#i was literally standing in the bathroom with my pants halfway up when i froze and was like Ah Fuck. Im Sad.

[brainshock-alpha]

y'all ever just going about ur lives and suddenly ur inexorably compelled to stop whatever ur doing for at least five entire seconds and think to urself "fuck im depressed"

[pockpop]

prankster| jeon jungkook 

➢ summary: jungkook pranks his girlfriend one too many times

➢ request: Can you please do a jungkook imagine to when you do the viagra prank on him 😂

➢ genre: mature 

➢ a/n: these viagra pranks have me dying so I enjoyed making this😂😂 i hope you like it!

masterlist

••

1/7

jungkook was always pranking you and you had finally gotten sick of it. he had put mayonnaise in your deep conditioner, faked breaking up with you, faked his damn death, at this point you had it up to here with his pranks so you decided you had to get him back.

your sex life was pretty regular but after all the pranks, you were more reluctant to give him any. you knew he would be coming to end of his rope so you thought of a good prank that would have him taking a break from his pranks on you.

you had purchased not one but two viagra pills. you were too excited to even explain yourself to the employee who was giving you an odd look as she rang you up. you set up a hidden camera in the kitchen, the living room and then in the bedroom, you wanted to make sure you caught it all so he would remember this night any time he wanted to prank you again.

he was coming home from a few promotions and he hadn’t seen you in a while so you knew he would be all over you as usual but knew after the pills, he was going to be ruthless.it took you all day to set it up perfectly. you cooked his favorite, pampering yourself to a bath and showering yourself in the perfume he bought you. you dressed in one of your sexiest dresses that hugged your body so right, he would be already drooling. right before he got there, you made sure to crush up the pills into his wine glasses, stirring it well.

a few minutes later, you heard his keys in the lock. throwing the spoon into the sink, you rushed to the kitchen doorway and took a deep breath, getting yourself together. when he opened the door, jungkook was greeted with the good smells of homemade cooking that made excitement build in his stomach. but when he caught sight of you in that little black dress, showing off just the right amount of thigh, making your booty look even bigger than it already was, to say he was drooling was an understatement.

“oh babe,” he groaned out as he dropped his bags and took you in his arms, his face instantly went to your neck, inhaling that perfume he loved so much. you leaned back just enough to kiss him sweetly and his eyes stayed closed just briefly as you pulled away because he swore he was blessed.

“I’ve missed you,” you cooed, reaching up to trace his jaw, he smiled kissing you again. “I missed you too, remind me why I don’t take you everywhere I go?”

“hmm because I also have a career and you might get tired of me,” you answered turning away, pulling him towards the kitchen, giving him a full view of your backside.

“no, no that could never happen,” he whispered. as you guys were eating dinner, every time he took a sip, you were smiling to yourself. you were surprised you weren’t jumping out of your seat in happiness. he finished before you, taking time to finish his glass and at first, you thought he was listening to you talk about work but the hunger in his eyes told you something else and then he cut you off,

“i’m feeling weird,” he sunk a bit in his seat, “come over here to me,” you ignored him and continued what you were saying but he cut you off again.

“you know babe, I’d love to hear all about your job but I’m hard as fuck right now.” you froze your fork halfway to your mouth, the bluntness wasn’t what you were expecting and it took everything in you not to laugh. you placed the fork in your mouth then, acting as if he didn’t say anything, making sure to accentuate it as you pulled the fork from your mouth.

“That’s nice for you,” you said sweetly standing from the table, he looked at you in pure shock as you grabbed both of your plates and took them to the sink. he stood up too, it didn’t even take him two full strides to reach you.

“babe,” he pouted, and you just looked back at him innocently before you started washing the dishes.

“you are not actually washing the dishes now? oh please don’t do this to me,” he whined, pressing his pelvis to your butt, pressing tender kisses to your neck but you swatted him away.

“I can’t just leave them sitting here, they’ll never get done then,” you said trying to reason, biting your lip hard. the shock on his face turned into a deep frown before he was reaching over to turn off the water.

“y/n I’m really not joking here, these dishes can wait. I can’t wait, I feel like I’m going insane,” he was trying to grind his hips on yours but you just turned and slid away from him.

“hmm, how about another night? im tired,” you asked or more like stated as you left the kitchen.

“another night?!” he chased after you, almost tripping over his own two feet. you were already taking off your heels and earrings, trying to keep a straight face when his dick was so hard you could see the entire thing literally pressed against the fabric of his pants.

“please, please don’t do this to me, I don’t think you understand,” he begged as he kicked off his shoes and ripped off his shirt, the buttons flying everywhere. you looked at him like he was fucking insane.

“boy you better chill and clean that up, I just cleaned this room.” you reprimanded as you bent over digging in your drawers for one of your sleep shirts.

“no girl you don’t understand like I need you now,” the moment you stood up, his arms were wrapped around you and tossing you on the bed. trying not to laugh, you rolled away from him, wanting to give in when you saw his cute pout

“and I said no, I’m not in the mood.” he caught you before you got up from the bed and pulled you towards him.

“babe I’m serious, sit on my face, suck me off something, I’m fucking horny!”

you pushed him back from you into the pillows before getting up and changing out of your dress to your sleep shirt. he was literally tugging on his hair in frustration before he yanked his pants off and threw them across the room.

“what is wrong with you? you’re acting really strange,” you said escaping his grip again looking for your bonnet. “I don’t fucking know, I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m just hard so come on and give me some y/n, I’m not even kidding right now.”

you weren’t sure how long you could hold it in when he was already pulling his boxers down. “I’m ready for you y/n, just please, just give me some love.” you slipped your bonnet on, laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe.

“y/n,” he whined, “this ain’t even funny!” but there he was standing butt ass naked on the bed with his dick hard against his stomach.

“wow I didn’t know two pills could make you this crazy,” you said as your laughing finally calmed down.

“wait, what?” he said still tugging at his hair.

“I may have slipped a little viagra in your drink.”

“you slipped a little what in my what?” the complete anger on his face only made you laugh harder,

“yo, why would you do some shit like that?” he yelled jumping down from the bed, “that’s what you get from pranking me way too many times,” you answered, leaning on your tiptoes to kiss his lips, still giggling.

“you’re horrible,” he said almost crying and when he reached for you again, you squealed running to the bathroom and locking the door behind you, still laughing as he ran after you 

“I got it all on camera too, so I guess we’re even!” you said through the door. “you what?! no, no, come suck me off as an apology!”

“sorry love, I’m brushing my teeth,” you yelled back to him and you swore you could hear him crying. “my dick is going to be hard for days and I have an interview to do tomorrow!”

“not my problem!”

“well if you’re not gonna help me, at least hand me the vaseline!” 

he defintely wasn’t pranking you again any time soon.

[ikesenlemonadestandstories]

A Buzz and A Beep

Hey there fam! Sorry it took me so long to get part six out to you all! My department at the hospital just got re-ranked as the number one pediatric oncology center in the US and while I’m so elated we do so much good the powers at be blessed us with that kind of rating, it also means we’ve started getting an influx of outside patients from all over the us and the world...so I’ve been a bit busy! The rest of the story can be found  by searching the tag ‘Going Overboard Series’ or you can check out the rest on my Master List.

Part 6 begins under  the cut...unless you’re on my corner of the internet via mobile...then...it’s just text.

Tagging @little-mini-me-world

Keep on keeping on everyone! I love hearing from you guys so feel free to chat if you’d like ;)

The voting results have requested a new story with a warlord of you beautiful people’s choice, so float on down to my inbox/ask box and let me know who you want to read about next!

All my love,

T~

[Masamune]

We sat there curled up together on the floor for ages, not that I was complaining...I would hold you forever if you’d let me. You had stopped crying a while ago, but chose to remain silently tucked into my lap, allowing me to hold you tight and sway back and forth. It was calm, and reminded me of the way the ocean gently rocks a ship after a storm. I hadn’t realized it had been that long until the alarm on my watch buzzed to life, everything ached as you pulled away slowly.

“Guess we can add the cream now huh?” you said with a slight smile, eyes tinted red, streaks of mascara I hadn’t realized you had been wearing running down you face.

You caught sight of your reflection in the stainless steel appliances throughout the kitchen, and shared a half hearted laugh with me, then aggressively wiped your face with the heel of your hand until the skin under your eyes was red and raw.

“Well, we’re a hot mess...I’m a hot mess...guess I’m glad we made ice cream. Seems like the perfect time for comfort food. You’ll join me won't you?” you stared at me sheepishly.

“If you’ll let me, I’d love to.” Figuring it was better to be frank in a moment like this.

Quietly we finished making the custard together, I wasn’t sure how to work back into a happier mood, but I also didn’t think the current atmosphere needed to change, it wasn’t oppressive anymore. It was silent but comfortably so.

“Hey...I…” we both started at the same time, fumbling our words like kids talking to their crush for the first time.

“Sorry. You can go. No. You go…” and it kept happening until you were in a fit of giggles, happy crescent smile on your face.

The expression was so sweet I found myself reaching out to run a hand through your hair, stopping myself just shy of your head. Catching the gesture out of the corner of your eye, your laugh slowed to a stop and you stood a little straighter, placing the crown of your head in my extended hand.

“(YN) can we start over?” I held my breath

“No…” my stomach turned and my hand froze strands of hair from your ponytail slipping through my fingers. “I don’t want to start over...every moment has been precious, even these awful and awkward ones. How about we try again instead?”

“I would like that.”

Made impatient by the happy mood I was no longer willing to wait for our ice cream to freeze, I got out the liquid nitrogen and gassed it so we could finally get to eating.

We were huddled around the counter, ice cream in hand, catching up when a shrill beeping split through the kitchen bouncing off the walls. Your hand flew to the pager on your waist and you walked to the phone in the kitchen to call whatever number had popped up on the screen.

“I’ve gotta go, the tiger just went into labor. I’m sorry to leave you with all the clean up here.” you looked concerned as you restlessly jogged in place near the exit.

“Don’t be...I’m sure you’ll have plenty of your own clean up to do later.”

“Solid point.” You were hanging halfway out the door when you stopped to ask me the quiet question. “Breakfast?”

“It’s a date” I was beaming as you ran out the door.

[YN]

Every time, it literally never fails! Make plans, pager goes off. Finally get food, pager. Go to the bathroom, pager. Have a normal conversation and make some headway with your ex, freaking pager.

You took off in a mad dash back to your room, discarding your flip flops with swift kick as you slammed the door behind you. Note to self apologize to your neighbors in the morning. After rummaging through your luggage way longer than you should have, you slipped your scrub pants on and giving up on wrestling with the zipper along the back of the dress, opting instead, to shimmy it over your head as quick as you could manage. You had just thrown on your scrub top and we jumping around on one leg trying to put your socks on when there was a curt knock at the door. Crap, you hadn’t meant to be that loud. You slid on your gym shoes as you reattached your pager to the waistband of your scrubs, grabbing your lab coat and shoving one of the four pens in your breast pocket into your hair, stopping just before the door to move your wallet and room key into you lab coat pocket before you braced yourself for the angry neighbor outside.

“Oh” A very surprised Nobunaga and Hideyoshi were standing right outside your door looking every bit the angry parents you imagined them to be sometimes. “I would love to stay and chat, but there’s a tiger in labor and I sort of need to skedaddle, though I am curious why you’re all here…”

“Walk and talk?” Hideyoshi proposed.

“Sounds like a plan...though it may be more of a jog.”

“That’s alright, go get to that tiger. We just wanted to make sure you hadn’t run off like that because of something Masamune said?”

“Nope, my pager actually killed a decent mood.” you paused to turn and walk backward as you yelled down the hall...your neighbors were really going to hate you. “Also you guys should stop making a habit of following us around. It’s creepy.”

“I think that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn’t you agree Hideyoshi?” Mitsuhide said as he caught you by the shoulders from behind. Where had he even come from? “You should watch where you’re walking, wouldn’t want you backing yourself over a railing.”

“Again, the amount of meddling you’ve been doing is still creepy. Where did you even come from? Also as fun as this is I’ve gotta go!” looking at the watch on your wrist you dashed down the hall to the nearest stairwell, heading down to the vet rooms.

It had been a pretty standard birth with, thankfully, no complications but that didn’t mean you would be able to leave anytime soon. Raya had given birth to three healthy cubs, two females and a male. Since there had been three of you to assist, the owner thought it would be fun if you each got to pick a name. So now here you were, wandering back to your room at five in the morning, sun cresting over the horizon dying the seas around you a deep burnt amber. As beautiful as the scenery was, you were a mess, dirty scrubs covered in god knows what. You were hurrying back to your room, trying not alarm the general populace that may be on their way out for an early breakfast when you saw him leaving the kitchen.

“Hey there (YN)” he waved enthusiastically

“Mornin Masamune, fancy seeing you here.” you chuckled as you eyeballed the large double doors leading to the kitchen.

“Right? You….uh, just getting back? You sure still on for breakfast, I wouldn’t be upset if you wanted to get some sleep...”

“That I am, and no I’m fine. I was just going to go shower real quick and change then head your way. You want to go get a table?”

“What? Don’t want to go like that?” He gestured to your nasty looking scrubs “all that goop looks good on you.”

“Oh definitely, it brings out my eyes. You can head down if you want or I can text you when I hop out of the shower?”

“I have a better idea. If it’s alright with you that is?”

[fueledbysprite]

Up Too Late

@lotus-duckies came up with this genius idea, and I, of course, went all-out and turned it into literal crack. Enjoy!

“I’m never coloring another leaf again,” Marinette announced, halfway through shading another one of the countless spring buds that decorated the piece of board. “If it wasn’t for the fact that this is Mylene’s first performance live, on-stage, I’d probably have just given up and gotten Manon and Alya’s little sisters to color the rest in.” She sighed, putting down the pencil and massaging her wrist.

“Yeah, well, we did promise we’d help,” Nathaniel reminded her from his place near the roots. “And trees take a lot of detail; you can’t just fill them in, you have to shade them.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re only drawing the outline. Meanwhile I’m the one tiring my arms out making sure every shadow is at the right angle,” she grumbled. “Why is this taking so long?!”

“Good question,” the redhead agreed. “Actually, what time is it, even? We’ve been working for, what, hours?”

Marinette clicked on her phone and the digits 21:52 filled the illuminated screen.

“Nine o’clock?!” she screeched.

“Have we really been doing this for that long?” Nathaniel asked, looking up at her in shock.

“Ughhh, you know what? Screw this tonight, we’ll do more tomorrow. It is way too late to be doing this,” Marinette decided, putting her pencil down with finality.

Nathaniel put his things away too, yawning and stretching his arms.

“It’s too late to go home, now, though,” he pointed out.

“Don’t worry, you can just stay over for the night,” Marinette assured him. He stopped and blinked at her for a few moments.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked, shaking his head.

“A sleepover, silly!” she giggled, tossing a pillow at his head. “Don’t tell me that working this long has tired out your basic comprehension skills.”

“Right, well, see, I don’t have my clothes, and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t want to be bothered with-”

“Relax. They’ll be fine, Alya’s slept over lots of times when we were working on projects that took too long.”

“Yeah, but that’s Alya-”

“So? Same thing; now help me put this stuff away. I think I’ll get sick if I look at another blank leaf tonight.”

Nathaniel sighed and assisted her in moving the board against the wall so they could get back to it later, and collecting all the pencil crayons from their sprawled places.

“I don’t have my pajamas, though...” he mentioned, leaning under the chaise to pick up a sky blue.

“That’s fine, you can just wear some of my clothes,” Marinette said. “I’m sure they’d fit you. I hope you don’t mind that they’re all pink.”

“No, it’s fine,” he agreed, standing up and dusting off his pants. Marinette stood up too, and went to her closet to find him some clothes. He took them and disappeared into the bathroom to change.

A moment later, he came back out in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, both a light shade of pink that mirrored the light blush on his cheeks.

“You look fine!” Marinette smiled encouragingly.

“At least nobody else can see me like this,” he mumbled quietly. “Now what?”

“Hm..” Marinette thought. “I’m not really feeling like sleeping just yet. Maybe we could play a video game,” she suggested.

“Mm, I’ll pass,” Nathaniel replied. “You’d beat me on every level no sweat.”

“I’m sure you’re not bad,” she assured him.

“Yeah? You obviously haven’t seen me, then. I can barely figure the controls out, let alone use them.”

“Your choice,” she shrugged. “Hm, how about board games then. “Why don’t we play Monopoly, but it’s a race to see who can go bankrupt first.”

“Sure, why not?” he agreed, and so, a few minutes later, they sat before a board set-up and ready to play.

***

“What, no! That’s not fair! You landed on my house on purpose, dang it! At this rate I’ll have so much money I could buy the whole board and still have cash left over,” Marinette complained. Meanwhile, Nathaniel was rather smugly diminishing his cash stock to a few 5M bills.

“Well, it’s your fault for buying houses instead of hotels because you make less profit off of them,” he said.

“Well you don’t have to be so conceited about it,” Marinette objected, picking up her playing piece and tossing it at him playfully.

He responded by adding five extra bills to her stack. She raised an eyebrow.

“Dang it, I knew the game was rigged! I should have known you would cheat when I made you the banker!” she glared, picking up the entire game board and folding it in half. All the cards and pieces and houses fell to the floor.

“Whoa, sore loser much?” Nathaniel asked her, eyes widening. “I didn’t realize you’d take it so personally!”

“And I didn’t realize you’d play so dirty, so this game is void,” she replied, sticking out her tongue. He rolled his eyes, but they both knew that neither of them were particularly serious.

“Whatever, let’s just play something else. Monopoly takes forever to win, anyways,” the redhead suggested.

“Hm, how about ‘Never Have I Ever’?”

Nathaniel paled slightly.

“Don’t worry, there won’t be anything super personal. If you don’t want to answer, it’s okay,” Marinette quickly assured him.

“O-okay, sure,” he shrugged.

“Alright, then, I’ll start. Hmm, never have I ever...watched a horror movie alone at night,” she finally decided.

“That makes two of us,” he shuddered. “I can barely stand horror movies even if I’m not alone in broad daylight.”

“Would you watch one if I was with you?”

“Hmm...probably not.”

Marinette pouted.

“And what if I was close enough that I could hug you during the scary parts?”

Nathaniel thought it over.

“Mm…...maybe...” he relented. “Not this late at night, though,” he added quickly.

“Works for me,” she said. “Your turn.”

“Let me think, uh….never have I ever dreamt of kissing a marshmallow,” he finally came up with.

Marinette choked on air.

“What kind of confession is that?!” she asked.

“Well, it’s true. Rose told me that she had a dream once where she had to pick between marrying a unicorn or a marshmallow.” he shrugged. “Couldn’t think of anything else.”

“Well, uh, neither have I...” Marinette answered. “Or any kind of edible for that matter.”

The redhead chuckled.

“Well I did dream about blueberries once, but that was a long time ago,” he admitted.

“That’s so weird,” Marinette giggled, oblivious to the odd look he sent her way.

He shrugged.

“I dream weird things sometimes...” he told her. “What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?”

Marinette frowned, thinking.

“Well, I don’t usually manage to dream most nights because I end up staying up super late doing homework or sewing or something, but, uh...the weirdest dream I had? I think this one time I had a dream where Chat Noir was telling me he was in love with me and then he started chasing me and I was running away, but then he stopped and turned into Adrien and I felt so bad because why on Earth would I ever run away from Adrien?” she sighed dreamily. “But anyways, I was so confused and scared that he wouldn’t like me anymore that I woke up, and thank goodness it was only a dream...” she froze, clapping a hand over her mouth.

“I said too much, didn’t I?” she asked embarrassedly, lowering her hand.

Nathaniel laughed lightly.

“It’s okay, I already knew,” he confessed. When she looked confused, he went on.

“I mean, not to sound creepy or anything, but since no one usually talks to me, I just end up watching people. You seem kind of awkward around him, so I figured...” he trailed off.

“Am I that obvious?” she asked softly.

“No no no, not at all!” he assured her quickly. “I’m pretty sure I’m like the only one. Adrien’s too oblivious to notice anything, and I wouldn’t tell anyone,” he promised.

“It probably doesn’t even matter, anyways,” she sighed sadly. “He’s never going to see me the way...”

“Don’t say that, Marinette, he’ll have to figure it out some way or other. Once he discovers how lucky he really is, there’s no way he could turn you down!”

Marinette looked up.

“You really think?”

“I know for a fact. You’re an amazing person, he just hasn’t realized just how amazing you really are yet,” he said.

“That’s so sweet of you, Nathaniel,” the bluenette told him.

“Anytime,” he smiled. For once he found himself able to smile at her genuinely, and, despite the little pain that still throbbed in his chest, he realized that if he could have her even as a friend, that would be good enough for him.

“Okay, enough of this. I wanna do something,” Marinette decided suddenly, a mischevious glint in her eyes.

“O-kay...?” Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. “Any reason for that not-at-all suspicious expression on your face right now?”

“Oh you’ll see,” she grinned evilly, producing her cell phone out of thin air. “We’re going to have some fun.”

“Um..okay...but I don’t know if this is a good ide-”

“Shush,” she cut him off with a finger on his lips as she dialled a number and waited for someone to pick up.

“At least dial *67 first!” he said, staring at the screen.

“Oh? Why?” she asked.

“The caller ID shows up otherwise!” he screeched. “Have you never prank-called before?!”

Marinette blinked.

“You’ve prank-called before?” she asked disbelievingly. “I’d never have imagined you...but anyways, I’m using an internet calling service so it’ll just show up as an unavailable number,” she explained.

“Okay, phew,” he sighed in relief. “Let’s just hope we don’t get caught. Don’t do anything extreme.”

“Relax, I got this.”

Marinette hummed softly until the person on the other end finally picked up. Nathaniel moved closer to hear what they were saying, and she put the call on speaker.

“Chloe Bourgeois; who dares to disturb me at this time of the night?!” Marinette flinched and held the phone away from their faces, stifling a giggle all the same.

“You got the stuff?” Marinette spoke, voice ridiculously exaggerated since she had pinched her nose to disguise it. She had apparently been attempting some variation of a gangster voice, but was failing miserably at it. “I’ll be waiting in the back alley. Be there at midnight, or else.”

“Who the hell is this? Are you threatening me? Oh, just you wait until my father hears about this. You’ll be sorry you ever-”

Marinette calmly cut the line. Nathaniel sighed.

“You are honestly such an amateur,” he told her, shaking his head. She rolled her eyes.

“It wasn’t that bad,” she said. “It’s not like you could do any better.”

“Oh, really?” he asked, arching an eyebrow. “Try me.”

Marinette looked at him, surprised.

“Fine,” she decided. “Show me what you got.”

“Oh I will,” he assured her. “You can pick the number, by the way.”

“I’ll do that,” she murmured, scanning the local directory and finally choosing one at random. She passed him the phone once it had started dialling.

“Allo?”

The voice sounded like it belonged to a high school girl. Marinette wondered if Nathaniel would be able to handle this one, but one look at his remarkably relaxed posture and the easy smile on his face told her he’d be just fine. What?

“Hey babe, I was wondering when I’d get to hear that sweet, sweet voice of yours again...” Nathaniel’s voice took on a completely unprecedented smoothness, and Marinette was left staring in surprise. ...wHAT???

“I’m sorry, who is this?” the girl on the other end sounded very confused and a bit embarrassed, from what Marinette could tell.

“It doesn’t matter,” he whispered, voice low and even smoother than it was before. “All that matters is me and you tonight.”

Marinette’s brain was short-circuiting; what the hell happened to the shy, sweet guy who was sitting there just a few minutes ago???

“Oh, um, okay? Er, what do want to do, then?” Marinette very much pitied the flustered receiver.

“That’s really up to you, honey. What do you wanna do tonight?”

“Well, uh, my parents aren’t home, do you maybe wanna…?”

Nathaniel suddenly choked on air, dropping the phone. Marinette hurried to pick it up before it hit the floor, quickly closing the call while Nathaniel launched into a coughing fit.

“Well that backfired,” the aspiring fashion designer remarked.

“She must have been a high schooler,” the redhead managed between coughs. “I wasn’t expecting her to go that far!”

Marinette couldn’t help but giggle.

“We’re lucky she didn’t go to Françoise Dupont, at least,” she said. “I never knew you could talk like that.”

“I don’t usually,” he admitted. “But Alix loves prank calls and I basically ended up practicing in anonymity. I also watch a lot of movies, so there’s that...”

“Hmm..that gives me another idea...” Marinette said slowly.

“Do share.”

“I wonder if you could pull the same thing off with someone who we actually know in real life...” she said, half to herself. Nathaniel paled.

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Oh, you’ll find out soon enough.”

***

“How many times are we going to have to pause this?” Nino asked, exasperated, at the sixth time the phone must have rung this evening alone. “Your sisters wouldn’t leave us alone for two hours, and now that they’re asleep, we get another phone call every five minutes.”

“I hope it isn’t Chloe this time. Why does she think you’re trying to deal drugs with her?”

Nino shrugged.

“Beats me. Just answer it so we can get on with the movie already.”

“It’s from Marinette,” Alya frowned, tapping the screen.

They were met with a high scream that would’ve woken Alya’s sisters if her phone had been on speaker.

“Marinette?! What happened?” she asked worriedly. No response. The brunette anxiously held the phone closer to her ear to pick up some kind of hint.

“AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh...”

“Marinette? What the heck is going on-”

“I’m not letting go until you say it!”

“Nathaniel?! The heck are you doing at-”

“Ah-ah-ah-ahahahahahah-I-can’t-I just-ahhhhahahahah...”

“...are you okay?”

“Say it...”

“NOOOOO-ahahahahahahhhh..”

Nino looked up at Alya, expressing mirroring hers.

‘What the actual hell is going on?’ he mouthed at her. She shook her head in bafflement.

“Say my name and I’ll let you go..”

“Na-agh-ahah-stop-nath-I-ohmi-ahahaha-NATHANI-AHAHAHAHAHAH”

“Come on, say it…..”

“Ahhhahahahah-nath-aha-natha-ack-NATHANIEL-aghh-now let me GO, goddammit!”

Alya turned to her boyfriend, wide-eyed.

“You don’t think they’re...”

“But from what it sounds like they’re doing...” He shook his head quickly.

“No. it can’t be.”

“But then again...” she gestured at the phone, which was currently transmitting sounds of rather heavy breathing. They both stared at it for a few long moments.

“You know what, I think I’d rather just continue the movie.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

***

“Aw, she hung up on us,” Nathaniel complained, moving so Marinette had space to catch her breath.

“Damn, Nathan, who knew you’d get so aggressive in a tickle fight?!” she said between pants. Her face was as red as his hair as this point.

“Need some water?”

She nodded vigorously and he poured her a glass from the jug on her vanity. When she’d finally gathered herself, she put the glass down and looked at him.

“I guess that’s enough for one night, yeah?”

“Mhmm...” he yawned. “Where are we sleeping?”

“I’m sure you can fit onto my chaise lounge,” she told him. “Unless you want the bed, but after what just happened on the phone, I think that might bring up some questionable stuff,” she noted.

“No kidding, I’ll take the chaise. I might be up for a little while later, though. I have trouble falling asleep, especially in unfamiliar places.”

Marinette nodded.

“I guess I’ll just keep you company until I fall asleep. I’m not really in a mood to get down to bed just yet, either.”

“You sure?” Nathaniel asked, glancing at her drooping eyelids and slouching posture.

“Mmmhm,” she responded in assurance.

“Yeah, no.”

“Mmmm..” she mumbled, resting her head against the chaise. They sat like that in silence for some time, before he spoke up.

“Marinette?”

She didn’t respond.

He shrugged and, with some effort, picked her up and lay her down on the chaise. Then he curled up beside the piece of furniture, and, before even realizing it, he, too, had fallen fast asleep.

[not-a-space-alien]

Aziraphale’s Legion, Part 7: The Flesh is Weak

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Series masterpost

On AO3

“Lord Aziraphale, Oryss wants to talk to you.”

“Thank you, Botis.”

Aziraphale sighed as he removed himself from his desk, leaving a napping Crowley alone on the couch behind him.  Botis hadn’t specified where Oryss was, but he could guess.

As he passed the hall closet, his ears prickled to sounds coming from inside.  Alarmed, he ripped it open.

A warrior angel stood awkwardly hunched over inside the closet, tangled in garments with a partially undressed demon under him.

“You sure are a grabby group,” said Aziraphale stormily, yanking the demon out and pulling her bra strap back up.  “Aren’t you?  Do I have to be around all the time to ensure you don’t force yourself on my demons?  What did I just finish explaining to you all?  Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“You lot are all pair bonding!” said the angel, pushing the coat hangers bumping his head out of the way. “Don’t see why it’s suddenly not allowed when it’s me.  I’m making an effort for her and everything.”

The demon tugged on his sleeve.  “Lord Aziraphale, I initiated this, not him.”

Aziraphale looked from the demon to the angel and back again, turning red.  “Oh.  Ah.  I see.”

The demon slunk back into the closet.  Aziraphale, very red indeed, pushed it shut.  He did his best to forget what he had seen as he came down the stairs.

“Good morning, Master!” said a demon to him when he came into sight.

“I hope you don’t need a jacket,” Aziraphale said, dodging her.

He found Oryss in the kitchen as predicted.  There were sheets and sheets of chocolate chip biscuits covering every flat surface*, and another was emerging from the oven.

*and some curved ones as well.

“Master!” said Oryss, taking her oven mitts off and giving a small bow.  “Thank you for coming down.”

“What’s all this?” said Aziraphale, sampling a biscuit off the nearest tray.

“I decided to bake for everyone,” she said.  She was panting, as though she had been literally running around the kitchenette, and she waved the oven mitts.  “Er, you know, as a treat for everyone.  A gesture of good will.”

“I think it’s marvelous,” said Aziraphale.  “What was it you needed me for?”

“Er….”  She shuffled her feet.  “I wanted to take some up to the angels on the roof….”

“And you were afraid to go up by yourself.”

She nodded. Aziraphale patted her shoulder. “I’ll go with you.  I’m sure they’ll love them.”

He followed behind Oryss on the fire escape as she took a tray up, steadying her with a hand since she couldn’t hold the railing.  She froze when they came out onto the roof and Michael’s eyes fell on her.

“Go ahead,” Aziraphale prodded.

“Er,” she said, stiff as a board.  “Sirs!”

When she still did not continue, Aziraphale sighed and drew her forward by the arm.  “Oryss has brought something for you all.”

She held the tray out. Michael looked at it blearily. Angelo furrowed his brow.  The other angels had blank expressions.

Finally, Victoria let out an exasperated sigh.  She drew forwards, snatched a biscuit off the tray, and ate it with cartoonishly loud sounds of enjoyment.  When still no one else came forwards, she glared at them and gestured angrily for them to come up.

They gathered around Oryss as though she were feeding a great flock of pigeons, and her eyes lit up with happiness as a few of them admitted that they were good and thanked her.  As soon as the tray was empty, she bowed and scuttled away down the fire escape.

“I think they liked them…” she said, sounding unsure but proud.

“I think they did,” said Aziraphale.  “That’s the way to someone’s heart, straight through their stomach.”

They came downstairs to find that the demons had already begun to attack the remaining batches in the kitchen.  And there was one angel among that lot, his hair mussed up and with a scarf from the back of Aziraphale’s closet around his neck, sitting next to a demon covered in hickeys who was scarfing the biscuits down at an alarming rate.  Adam was frantically dragging Dog away from the scene, trying to keep him from eating the bits that hit the floor, admonishing him about how they were poisonous to him.  Dog did not seem to care and looked like he would happily die if it meant he could lick the floor unhindered.

Maltha and Beth were there, too.  Maltha had apparently never eaten a biscuit before, which Beth was attempting to remedy. Poor Maltha, of course, found this very confusing.

“What did you say these were called again?” she said, breaking one apart in her hands.

“Cookies,” said Beth.

The angel with the scarf around his neck broke in, “They’re biscuits.”

Maltha furrowed her brow. “I thought biscuits were the sort of doughy things you ate with breakfast.”

“They are,” said Beth, patting her arm.  “You’ve got it right.”

“You’re thinking of scones,” said the angel.

“Scones?” said Maltha. “I’ve never eaten a scone before, either.”

“You have,” said Beth. “At that café in New York?  They called it a doughnut, though.  I’m not sure why.”

“A biscuit is what you eat with gravy on it,” Maltha elaborated.  “That’s what we had when we were in Kentucky.”

“Gravy?  On a biscuit?” said the angel, wrinkling his nose.

Maltha looked down at the pastry in her hand.  “It sounded more appetizing in America.”

“It’s a cookie,” insisted Beth.

“Cookies are the wafers you have with coffee!” interjected a demon nearby.

“I’m told you,” the angel said stubbornly.  “I’m not stupid.”

“No you’re not,” said the demon sitting on his lap.  “Tell them, babe.”

More and more people in the room got drawn into the argument.  Maltha seemed to lose interest in what the pastries were called halfway through in favor of grabbing handfuls of them while everyone else was distracted.

Aziraphale figured he had better grab one for Crowley now before they were all gone.  But he ended up eating it on the way up, and Crowley never knew there were any biscuits because there were none left by the time he woke up from his nap.

“Aziraphale. Aziraphale.  Aziraphale!”

Aziraphale looked up from the book he had been reading.  He had been trying to read this book for the last four days, and each time he had never gotten further than half a page.  He thought that maybe if he just started ignoring people when they called his name, he could finally make some progress, but he should have guessed it wouldn’t be that easy.

He sighed and put the book down, only to see Beth hovering over his desk, looking frantic.

“What is it, Beth?”

“We…uh…have a situation.”

“What’s happening?”

“Michael.”

That did not actually explain what was happening, but it conveyed the urgency well enough. Aziraphale followed her through the hallway into the flat.  She led him to the loo.  Angelo was defending the door, trying to scare away a few demons that had gathered nearby. It was not working because Angelo was not the least bit scary, but he was making a valiant effort.

“Beth, make them go away,” the small angel whined.  Intense sobbing could be heard coming from the bathroom door behind him, which was cracked open slightly.

“All right, Angelo,” snapped Beth.  “Just relax.” She turned to the demons.  “Could you please give us some privacy for a few minutes?”

The hallway cleared instantly.  Beth elbowed Angelo aside and tapped on the bathroom door.  “Michael?  Aziraphale is here.  Is that okay? Can I open the door?”

“Not him,” Michael sobbed.  “I don’t want him to see.”

“Michael, it’s okay!” Beth said, exasperated.  “You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.”

“I don’t want any of the angels to see this,” he cried.

“Michael, can I open the door?”

“Don’t let Aziraphale see. This is humiliating.  Don’t let him see.”

“Michael, I promise you Aziraphale does not care,” said Beth.  

“What on Earth is happening?” said Aziraphale, bewildered.

“I’m coming in,” said Beth, pushing the door open before Michael could complain further.

When it swung open, Aziraphale saw the archangel standing in the bathtub, leaning against the wall.  The entire front of his trousers was soaked with blood, and he had a saturated rag pressed to his groin.

“Oh no,” said Aziraphale, coming in behind her.  “Where are you hurt?”

“Erm, Aziraphale…” said Beth.

“What happened?” he demanded.

“It’s not…”

When Aziraphale looked down and saw the sanitary pads spilled on the floor, it clicked what was actually happening.  “Oh. Ohhhh…”

“I can’t make it stop,” sobbed Michael.  “I can always make it stop, but now I can’t.  I’m losing control of my corporation.  Please don’t tell my warriors.  Aziraphale, promise you don’t think less of me now.”

“Michael, it’s okay,” said Beth.

“They won’t respect me if they find out I can’t even control my own corporation,” Michael continued, ignoring her. “What kind of warrior bleeds like this?”

Angelo came in and pulled the door shut behind him.  “We got Beth because it seemed like she might know what to do, and Michael refused to let any of his warriors find out what was happening.  They’re still on the roof wondering why he ran off so suddenly.”

“No one ever showed him how to put a tampon in,” said Beth.  “Aziraphale, don’t they tell you these things when they give you human bodies?”

“I…”  Aziraphale had never been in a body that menstruated, so he honestly didn’t know.  When he had gotten his own body, he had mostly been left to his own devices to figure everything out, so he imagined they might not have done much in the way of education for anyone else either.

“Why can’t I make it stop?” sniffled Michael.  “I can always make it stop.  Why can’t I…?”

“Michael,” said Aziraphale, “you’re saying that you usually just use a miracle to stop the bleeding? But for some reason it’s not working now?”

Michael hung his head miserably. “I-it started a few days ago, and I felt worse than normal but I didn’t think much of it and just used a miracle like usual, and then just now it all started coming out at once.”

“Ah…” said Aziraphale awkwardly.  “Okay.”

Two angels and a human woman stood around the bleeding archangel trying to brainstorm how to help him.

“Michael, what do your warriors usually do?” said Aziraphale.  “The ones who have the same anatomy.”

“I don’t think any of them do,” said Michael.

“What? None of them? There are fourteen of them.”

Michael adjusted the rag. “I-I mean, I don’t think any of them menstruate.  When they were incorporated, they made sure to give them ones that didn’t menstruate to avoid this.”

“Erm…” said Aziraphale, “then why did they not do the same for you?”

Michael looked at him bitterly.

“Michael?”

“I wasn’t supposed to have a corporation, okay?” he said hysterically.  “It was a mistake that they gave me one at all.  Something got mixed up, but I just held onto it.  If I tried to exchange it, Gabriel and Camael would have made them just take it away from me and not replace it, and then I wouldn’t be able to come down to Earth at all.”

Angelo glared at Aziraphale, as though angry at him for making Michael reveal that information. “Don’t worry about that, Michael. Let’s just focus on fixing the problem.”

Aziraphale realized exactly how useless he had been compared to Beth until this point and resolved to try and make things better instead of worse.  “All right, don’t worry, Michael, we’ll figure something out.  What do you need?”

Michael sniffled.  “I need to figure out how to get the miracle to work.  It’s not working.”

Aziraphale could not imagine what could cause someone to lose control of their own corporation besides a binding sigil that restricted powers. And he was sure they would have noticed if something like that had happened.

If Michael had never meant to be incorporated, maybe his body simply couldn’t take the strain of holding him?  He had never heard of anything like that before, but Michael’s aura was particularly enormous.  If that were the case, there probably wasn’t anything anyone could do about it.

But it wasn’t like there was any difference between Michael’s body and, say, Maltha’s, who had the same aura strength and presumably had never had a problem like this. At least as far as he could tell. So what else was there?  ...Unless Michael was sick somehow?

“Maybe we can see if Maltha can help?” he suggested.  “She’s a healer.”

Michael drew back, panic flaring.  “You will certainly not tell her about this!”

“And you’re sure none of your warriors can help?” Beth pressed.

“I can’t let any of the angels see this,” Michael wept.  “I have an image to maintain.  They won’t respect me anymore if they see me like this.”

“All right,” said Beth. “Aziraphale, can we get one of your demons to help?”

“I can’t let a demon help me,” Michael exclaimed.

“Michael, you keep insisting you can’t let any of your angels see this.  That means if you want help you have to get it from a demon.”

“Can’t you just help me?”

Beth pulled at her hair. “I can’t do miracles. What exactly is it you want me to help you with?”

Michael pressed the rag to himself, looking red and chastised.

Beth turned around and pulled Aziraphale aside.  “Aziraphale, I, um…  Could we get one of the demons who have the same…type of body as Michael to help us out?  After what happened with Maltha I didn’t want to make any assumptions and er…”

“What happened with Maltha?”

Beth grew red.  “Never mind that, um….  I think…Well, you could ask...Botis?  I mean, it’s hard to tell under the armor…”

“Oh,” said Aziraphale.  “Oh, yes, good thinking.  Ah…All right. I’ll go see if I can find him.”

Aziraphale turned around and walked out of the flat.  He almost smacked into Victoria in the hallway.

“Aziraphale,” said Victoria. “Did you see where Michael went? He and Angelo ran downstairs, and I thought I saw blood.”

“Ah!” said Aziraphale. “Ah, no, everything’s fine. Don’t worry about Michael.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure, sure,” said Aziraphale, trying to corral her away from the bathroom and out of the flat.  

He brushed past her to try and mount the stairs, but Oryss was coming up them.

“Oryss!” said Aziraphale, changing course.  “Oryss, dear girl, I need to ask you something.”

“What is it, lord?”

Aziraphale put his hands on her shoulders.  “Do you…Well, do you…um…”

She looked at him strangely, waiting for him to stop fumbling.  When he finally succeeded in asking his question, she answered unsurely, “Well, I used to, but I usually turn it off. It’s quite annoying.”

“Perfect! That’s perfect!” said Aziraphale grabbing her arm and dragging her up the stairs. “I need your help with something.”

Victoria was still standing in the junction between the bookshop and the flat, eyeing Aziraphale skeptically as he took Oryss past her.  When Aziraphale passed with no acknowledgement of the warrior, Oryss offered a quiet “excuse me.”

The bathroom door was closed again, Angelo’s voice drifting out from inside with Beth hanging around outside.  Aziraphale came up and pushed Oryss towards Beth.  “All right, Oryss, we need your expertise.”

“My what?”

“Oryss,” said Beth. “Can you help Michael figure out how to stop menstruating?”

“Can I what?” said Oryss, alarmed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right here.”

“Please?” said Beth. “I’m really at a loss here.”

Oryss grimaced and allowed Beth to convince her to come into the bathroom.

Aziraphale figured that out of all of them, he probably had the fewest qualifications to help, and so hung around in the back while Beth, Oryss, and Angelo worked together.  He had to stop Victoria from pestering them multiple times, and he eventually took her back up to the roof in the hopes that she’d stay up there and leave them alone.

When he came back down, he saw Michael in the hallway, dressed and cleaned, holding Beth’s hand with his right and Oryss’s with his left.

“Lord,” said Oryss. “May I have permission to go to the store with Beth and Michael?”

“Er, sure,” said Aziraphale. “Whatever you need.”

He watched the two lead Michael, who was much quieter now, out the front of the bookshop.  

When he turned back around, Victoria was staring at him with narrowed eyes.  He returned her gaze unsurely.

“Listen, Aziraphale,” she said sternly.  “I don’t know what’s going on, but I saw you get Michael help from a demon instead of an angel.”

“I…” said Aziraphale, wringing his hands.

“Just listen.  I know you value Earth above Heaven. No, don’t try to deny it, I see you opening your mouth to do it, but it’s just going to be lies. I can accept that.  I can accept that you would rather save the Earth than see it destroyed.  I would be lying if I said I necessarily wanted the Earth to be destroyed myself. But please remember what Michael’s function is.  He is the Sword of Heaven.  That’s what he does. That’s always been his purpose. The war.  That’s who he is.  He needs it. And I could see you trying to convince him the Earth was worth saving to try and put the war off.  Trying the same thing you did to that archdemon.”

“Listen here,” said Aziraphale, indignant.

“No, you listen.  I just wanted to tell you: I won’t let you. Michael doesn’t need you manipulating him for your own agenda.  He has enough to deal with when the other archangels do that.  He doesn’t need one of his only friends trying it, too.”

“The archangels?”

She shook her head. “Never mind them.  Just remember what I said.  I won’t let you hurt him, do you understand?”

“Of course…” said Aziraphale, feeling helpless.

“So you’d do well to simply keep your demons away from him.  Got it?”

“Er…” said Aziraphale. “Well, sometimes it can’t really be helped.”

Victoria gave him a fiery gaze.  He squirmed under it.

“This whole arrangement is unnatural,” she pressed.  “Nothing but trouble will come of it.  I maintain my position that it should be disbanded as soon as possible.”

“What did you say?” said Crowley, padding into the room, sounding angry.

Victoria’s gaze widened on him, as though she hadn’t realized he could be listening.

“What arrangement is unnatural?” he pressed.  “Go on. Say it.”

“You know what I mean, Crowley,” she said.

“Angels and demons together.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You just meant it’s not natural for them to be cooperating instead of fighting.”

Victoria grimaced.

“Victoria, it’s obvious what your feelings have been about this from the very beginning.  You don’t do a good job hiding them.  If you keep doing this, it’s only going to exacerbate the tension between everyone here.  Maybe the world is changing and this is the way it is now.  Why can’t you accept that?”

Victoria did not respond.

“Victoria?”

“It’s not fair,” she burst out.  “You think this is fair?  The war is still going to happen. One way or another, it’s going to happen as long as we’re on different sides.  You seem to be willfully ignoring the ineffable Almighty looming over us to whom we might as well be chess pieces.  It’s going to happen.  This will break down and we’ll be at each other’s throats like we were never under one roof peacefully.  And I’ll have to kill them.  And you all won’t even have the decency to let me hate them to protect myself from that.”

“Victoria…” said Crowley.

Victoria wiped her eye.  “I’m just saying we shouldn’t get too comfortable,” she continued, quieter.  “There is still an order to things, whether we like it or not. It’s not up to us.  We’re still on different sides.”

“Victoria,” said Crowley. “Have you learned nothing?  Has it still not occurred to you?”

“What?”

“We’ve made our own side. Here, in the shop.”

“There is no third side,” Victoria yelled.  “As much as I want to believe that, it’s not going to happen.”

“Vic—”

“No, just stop it, you tempter.”  She was shaking. “I’ve never actually wanted anything before in my life enough to be tempted by it.  Is this what it feels like? Have you finally found something with which to corrupt me, serpent?”

Crowley shrank back.

She steadied herself. “I’m sorry.  This is just…a bit too much for me.  I…Let me know when Michael’s back, okay?”

She removed herself from the room before they could answer.

“Bloody Hell,” said Crowley. “What is happening?”

“I don’t know,” Aziraphale said.  “But I don’t have a good feeling about it.”