#i was in that ditch for a half hour
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Speaking as somebody who has been on the receiving end of Rubbernecking/Accident Gawking, Stop That Shit Right Now.
I rolled my ankle and broke it during a walk on a side road back in January and toppled into a ditch, unable to move or reach my phone, which was still on the road having fallen out of my pocket.
It is really fucking patronizing to be in desperate need of assistance, while drivers slowed down to stare at me. I was laying there for nearly half an hour before the postman found me and helped me get to my phone to call my dad for help.
I am appalled by the sheer fucking lack of empathy from people who could have stopped for two minutes to help me get to my phone. Somebody could have called for help. I couldn't fucking walk.
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 4 ]
{☆} characters arlecchino, furina, lyney {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood {☆} word count 3.7k {☆} previous [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ]
Fontaine was bathed in darkness, not even the moon daring to illuminate where the common man fears to walk. The streets were bleak and empty save for the constant, rhythmic ticking and clanking of machines marching on endlessly, dauntlessly wading where even the bravest dared not to venture. Not even the sharp click of the Gardes boots followed the occasional hisses of steam as they walked the barren streets.
It was haunting, and it'd been like that for days now. It showed little signs of stalling in the slightest, too. Every inch of Fontaine was practically crawling with Gardemeks– like a swarm of rats skittering about.
Arlecchino had secluded herself in the Hotel Bouffes d'ete for days at this point, waiting– biding her time. Her nails clicked against the wood as she tapped at the table in a stilted rhythm, the subtle click of the clock mixing into the clanking outside, weaving in and out of earshot as the patrols slipped by. She reached forward after a moment of thought, reaching for the white king.
She leaned back against the chaise, tilting her head just enough to catch a glimpse of a patrol of Gardemeks as they vanished behind the rows and rows of buildings. It wasn't enough to keep her attention for long, however, her features twisting in disinterest as she glanced back to the chessboard– and the letter neatly resting beside it. The seal was unmistakable and a sobering sight, demanding her attention– the soft hues of blue etched into the shape of a dragon stared back at her in a way that almost unsettled her.
She had already parsed through it's contents hundreds of times, but she was met with only vague, flowing script that only served to irritate her more then anything– it filled the page top to bottom yet managed to say nothing at all. Her hand reached out again, but instead of reaching for the letter she plucked the black rook from the board, setting it down with a soft click.
Arlecchino had all the time in the world to sit back and observe her prey, but all that time would be useless if she lacked the information to act.
And he was quite tight fisted about it, evidentially. None of her inquiries or attempts to decipher any potential codes in the letter left her empty handed. She could not act without even knowing the reason for his summons– it was almost worded like a personal affair rather then one would expect for a foreign diplomat. In truth, she'd expected a scalding report on her operatives, but it lacked any mention of anything of the sort.
She was no stranger to people masking hostility behind pretty words and compliments, not that it was ever unwarranted per se– the Fatui did not create connections through honesty and genuine kindness. They have strong armed more then their fair share of people into cooperation to the point distrust is all the Fatui are met with outside of Snezhnaya. Every word was meant to conceal the deceit, every action meant to conceal the price later paid.
So she had been..skeptical of the letter, to put it lightly. She doubted the Iudex of all people would offer a hand to the Fatui without a price attached– a trap, perhaps, meant to lure in the most powerful piece left on the board. Her eyes narrowed, reaching for a white rook and moving it to the right.
Or he was hiding something. Something that he simply couldn't risk getting out to anyone, not even the Divine themself. A tempting prize, whatever it was.
..A dangerous prize, too.
She'd considered burning the letter and forgetting it all together– the risk was great, and she couldn't risk getting caught up by whoever else the Iudex may have on his side of the board. But she could hardly pass up the challenge and the prize that he fought so hard to keep from prying eyes and ears. Even her agents came back empty handed each time. She lazily picked up a black rook, sliding the white pawn aside.
"Lyney," Arlecchino drawled, crossing one leg over the other and turning her gaze to the door as it slowly creaked open. The pale visage of Lyney stepped through, though his siblings were noticeably absent. The weariness that weighed down on his shoulders was apparent in the slightest furrow of his brows and the subtle creak of leather as he clenched his fists behind his back. "Father." He choked out, the title dragged out by the sharp inhale and shaky exhale.
He looked out of breath, she noted.
The silence that lingered after the small exchange was punctuated only by the click of another chess piece being moved. She sets aside the black rook, letting it sit among the dozen other pieces that had been wiped off the board. She can see the conviction glinting beneath the fog of exhaustion, but if he would utilize it was another matter all together.
He had seemed to make his choice quickly, at the very least.
"Our contacts and operatives within the Fortress of Meropide have gone silent– all we have is their final confirmed missive.." His voice is confident, but it is rigid as the words spill from his lips. He takes a sharp step forward, unfolding his arms from behind his back and opening his hands– the small, water stained and messily folded note catches her eye, plucking it from his palms with a half hearted interest. "They believe the Duke left the Fortress of Meropide..and that he may be coming to the Court of Fontaine."
Her eyes narrow dangerously, nearly crumpling the thin paper in her hands– yet just as quickly, she collects herself.
But she cannot get rid of the bitter taste on her tongue, lingering as she sets down the note and slides it to the side, her lips pursed into a thin line.
So the Iudex had shown one of his pieces..she tightly grasps a black rook, tipping over the white rook, letting it roll against the board.
If the Duke was involved, things were much more complicated then she expected– he would be a problem, she was certain. She couldn't blame the lamb for fearing the wolf, either. Whether her agents had been killed or captured by the man mattered little. He had his ways, and he was a force that could instill fear in even them.
Which meant the possibility that her operation was already compromised was far too real.
What had the Iudex so concerned he had gone through the trouble of bringing in the Duke and herself? The Fatui was one thing, but to specifically request one of it's Harbingers..
The Prophecy? The thought had her clenching her fist, but..no. If it were to rear it's head now, the Iudex could simply not afford to waste time on his contacts deciphering his nonsensical script– If the prophecy were to be the issue, there time would be limited to mere minutes in the worst of cases. Which meant it was worth biding his time in order to ensure absolute secrecy.
So if not the prophecy, then what?
Her next moves were..limited. She was already walking on eggshells considering her position and the reputations of the Fatui– especially with a Harbinger in the midst. If they caught wind of her operations, they'd weed out her operatives and be on guards for any snakes that lingered in their garden.
She reached for the chessboard again, picking up one of the white rooks from the board with a scowl. The sharp click as she sets down the white rook and sets aside the black pawn draws a shaky inhale from Lyney as she moves another black pawn, the dull click of the pieces drowning out the distant clinking of machines.
..A draw, perhaps.
The pieces were all falling into place– the players of this game were slowly being revealed. Whether she could secure her victory..she was unsure.
She wasn't even sure who her opponent was. Only that the Iudex himself was but another piece in their game.
Arlecchino reached for the board again, yet this time she hesitated. Perhaps she could still swipe the win from beneath them, if she played her cards right.
She would simply have to capture the king– or, if need be, let it end on a draw. Either way, she would not concede. She could not afford to concede. Down to the last piece, she would drag out this match until she was in a position to force their hand into the outcome she desired.
She stood slowly, picking up the king piece and observing it for only the briefest of moments before she set it down on the table, taking measured steps around the table and across the room. She was hunting a much more dangerous quarry today– it would be no simple runaway traitor this time.
"Do you remember the directive?" She inquired coldly, her hand lingering on the door for that long, tense moment. "..Yes, Father." Lyney faltered, taking a hesitant step back and bowing at the waist. "Then do not stray."
All that was left was the silence and click of the door shutting behind her as she disappeared down the hall, her boots clicking harshly against the floorboards. The rest of the agents knew better then to linger in her path as she stepped down into the lobby, adjusting the cuffs of her sleeves. She barely even acknowledged the Fatui agent standing at the ready by the heavyset doors, their gloves hands held out with her cloak held loosely in their palms. She quickly snagged it from them, tugging it over her board shoulders and clasping it around her throat.
With a quick tug, she brought the hood up over her head to conceal her sharp features, lifting her hand and placing a neatly folded note within their waiting hands. She had only one chance to make the right moves and secure her victory– no matter the cost.
Each piece had it's purpose.
Oft, that purpose was a bloody and horrible end– but for the grand goal of the Fatui built on the backs of the dead, it was an honor.
She didn't bother speaking a word as she dismissed them with a wave of her hand, pushing open the heavyset doors and stepping out into the barren, damp streets. The rhythmic clink and whir of Gardemeks was still distant– she needed to move. Her boots clicked and splashed in the rain soaked stone of the streets as she slithered between the buildings, ducking through the openings in the patrols.
It was almost too easy.
She tilted her head back, taking in the towering Palais Mermonia with a scowl, her hands clenched into fists. The final moves were being played– the king was within her reach, yet she felt no more confident then when she began.
The air carried a sense of unease, thick and heavy, filling her lungs until she felt her breath still in her chest– listening to the empty, bleak night that seemed so..quiet.
She'd done her fair share of research, had more then her fair share of her agents try to peer into the Iudex's office or the Archon's supposedly hidden chambers, but every attempt was a failure. She had to give them credit, they were quite elusive when they wished to be. Though now she only thought about it bitterly– this was all a risky gamble, in the end, and only time would tell if it paid off.
With minimal effort, she'd managed to pull herself to the flat, tiled roof, eyeing the massive tower peaking out of the center cautiously. At least here the wandering patrols down below weren't likely to notice her..she could hear them passing by the spot she'd been in only a few minutes ago, just beneath her. She pulled the hood further over her face, peering through the sheer darkness of the night for any oddities, but it was almost impossible to see in the dark.
Her boots clicked softly against the tiles as she approached the tower jutting out from the Palais, her hand gliding along the smooth stone, pressing against odd indents or crevices. If it was for the Archon's chambers, she doubted they made it very difficult– she'd only met the woman once, but she doubted the Iudex make it all that complex just from a brief glance. And it surprised her little when one of the stones sunk into the wall, gears whirring as the walls split open to reveal a stairwell straight into an inky black hall. Only the barest hint of light peaked under the door at the bottom, but it's occupants must have heard her, considering it went out not a moment later.
She cautiously stepped down into the small crevice, her breath visible in the bitter cold air– her shoulders tensed at the subtle sound of muffled footsteps behind the door, her vision flaring with a molten heat between her shoulder blades as she reached for the worn handle of the door. The heat of her vision was enough to just barely heat the metal, her vision flaring like a quickly building inferno.
Arlecchino was prepared for a fight, if it came down to it.
The door creaked as she pressed against it, shoving it open with a grunt of effort and surveying the room with narrowed eyes and a biting remark on the tip of her tongue– the lavish opulence was expected, she supposed, but the lack of the towering figure of the Iudex was not.
Yet before she could get a word in or even take in her surroundings properly, the light flickered back on and she had to squeeze her eyes shut with a hiss at the sudden brightness. She could hear the door being shoved closed behind her, the hurried footsteps retreating just as quickly as her eyes adjusted to the light.
..This was a joke, wasn't it? It had to be.
She'd expected the Iudex, perhaps even the Duke if she'd been unlucky, not the Hydro Archon. She had half the mind to test her worth as an Archon then and there, her temper flaring like an uncontrollable blaze, barely kept at bay. It took all her self control to force herself to smile politely at the woman rather then snarl.
"Miss Furina," She sneered beneath her hood, x shaped pupils locked onto the startled, trembling Archon with thinly veiled contempt. "What a..pleasant surprise. You'll have to forgive my manners, I assumed I was meeting with the Iudex." She observed her body language carefully– the way her eyes darted about like a frightened rabbit seeking escape, the slightest tremble of her lips..
Arlecchino opened her mouth to offer another scathing remark, but her jaw audibly clicked shut as her entire body seemed to lock up. Even her vision went cold against her back, a chilling feeling creeping up her spine as someone, or something, crept up behind her. Their footsteps were almost silent, the slight rustling of their clothes the only thing she could hear over her heart pounding against her ribcage.
Arlecchino had always prided herself on being on the other end of that sensation– she was the monster, and her target was the prey frozen like a deer between the hunters crosshair.
It was a chilling feeling to have the dynamic shifted on it's head.
She couldn't even swallow, her jaw clenched so hard she could hear it creak as she tried to reason with her quickly splintering mind– a futile effort, her joints locking up almost painfully. Black spots were quickly swallowing her vision from the lack of air in her lungs, the sound of shuffling behind her barely audible over the ringing in her ears.
For a moment – a moment too long to have only lasted the seconds that it did, yet so quick it gave her whiplash – she thought she would hit the floor dead before she could even glimpse her assailant.
And then it was gone. She came crashing back into reality with a startled inhale, her lungs burning and her knees nearly buckling under her. The instinct to lash out and kill whoever had done it was intense, yet she couldn't bring herself to move even a finger– it would be so easy to twist around and ignite them with searing flames, but her feet were rooted in place.
She almost didn't notice the surprisingly gentle hands unclasping her cloak, tugging it off her shoulders, if not for the sheer intensity of the presence still lingering behind her. Her mind was still fractured, struggling to right itself after the ordeal, and it had her seething.
"..Are you certain you held back enough?" Furina croaked, the normally soft lilt raspy and almost hoarse. "Not– not that I doubt your capability, most Divine!"
Arlecchino felt her nails dig harshly into her palms, heat swelling beneath her skin– Divine? Had she lost her mind? The Divine was..
The Divine was upon their throne where they belonged. She'd seen them!
"Hm. Well, maybe? Sorry, I didn't think it'd affect you too." Their voice was sickeningly soft as they stepped around her like she wasn't even there, focusing their attention on the Archon who seemed more then delighted about it. "What gave you that impression, most Divine? Aha, I..was completely unaffected, as you can see! Perfectly fine."
Furina let out a small squeak when they pinched her cheek, but the almost affectionate smile that tugged at their lips revealed the lack of malice behind the action.
"You're a bad liar, Furina. You might want to sit down..please?" They didn't take her protests for an answer, gently pushing her to sit on the bed before abruptly turning to face Arlecchino once more, a forced smile on their lips. "Oh, good, you're..uh, not dead. That's good. I thought I fried your brain. Sorry?"
..Had she hit her head on the way here? The Divine should still be on their throne, yet she couldn't shake the weight of their stare– it felt tangible. She felt like she was standing face to face with the stars– galaxies and constellations bearing down upon her.
She grit her teeth and clenched her hands until she felt the sting of her nails against her palms, grounding herself in the pain through the sheer overwhelming nature of their existence.
"You.." She croaks, reaching out with a shaky hand and grabbing them by the collar of their shirt, lifting them up until their feet left the floor– she pays no mind to the startled protests of the Archon. Arlecchino would crush her like a bug before she even got the chance to intervene and they both knew it. "You shouldn't exist– you aren't them, and yet you..you're the imposter, aren't you?" Her grip tightens yet they face her without an ounce of fear, meeting her unyielding glare with a pondering look.
Arlecchino wanted to make them bleed just to see if she could, the urge to sink her teeth into skin welling up in her chest to the point she visibly snarled, her mask of politeness long . "You're the imposter." Her expression falls for a moment before she schools it into one of apathy, setting them back down and holding them there for a moment, finally releasing them after a tense moment. "Or you were supposed to be."
Hers brows furrow– she wants to demand answers, to throttle them for damning them to being nothing more then dolls for the supposed Divine to break at their whim, but none of the words come to her.
"..Why now? The current Divine has been in power for years, yet you descend now?" Her shoulders tensed, lips pursed into a thin line– it's impossible to ignore the truth that lay before her. The Divine is a fraud and this..imposter is the true Divine. How many years had they been in power, now? How many years were they waiting? Why did they wait? Was the suffering of Teyvat not enough? Was the blood that painted the steps of their stolen throne not enough?
She'd personally been on the wrong end of the Divine's wrath– she wonders..had they watched? Had they seen the cruel hand of their imposter and turned their back on Teyvat?
"I.." They hesitated. It made her seethe, her hands clenching into fists at her sides– her vision flickered, flames swelling within it's casing just to be smothered by the presence of the Divine. But once that spark had been lit, she refused to let it go out. "I didn't know."
The answer does not satisfy her. There is an itch beneath her skin that she cannot scratch, a fire that burns in her chest so hot it scorches even herself.
"And what about now? Are you content to cower like prey in the safety of the Palais Mermonia?" She snapped, taking a step forward, her brows furrowed and her glare intense– she can see the slightest bit of worry in their eyes. She revels in it. "Will you let them use your acolytes like pawns? How many more need to be broken on the steps to your throne before you act?"
Again, her vision flares and dims– it refuses to be used against the Divine that created it.
"Have you no answer?"
The room is silent. They do not speak and neither does she.
Even the world itself seems to quiet in the face of her accusations, fury boiling to the surface so hot it incinerated all it touched.
"I will kill them myself."
Their words are quiet, but they are not soft– there is a vindictive, searing anger that explodes out like dying stars within their eyes. The sight of constellations replaced by a void that would not be . The smell of ichor grows stronger– to the point she feels almost lightheaded.
"..I am aware that I have failed in preventing this, but I had no choice in the matter. Still," They muse, their voice like the tolling of bells. A solemn melody that stills the swelling fury burning in her chest, if only for a moment. "I will rectify it– I will tear down their throne of lies and let not even the earth tarnish itself by burying their corpse among it's soil."
They pause for a moment, holding out their hand– scarred and bandaged by the weapons of the devout, yet still they take upon the burden of dirtying their hands to save those who did not save them.
"Do you trust me, Arlecchino?"
Did she?
"Will you help me?"
She exhales heavily, meeting the starry iris' of the Divine with a scowl still tugging at her lips. Arlecchino trusted no one but herself.
"..Yes."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#imposter au#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#arlecchino#lyney#furina#you do NOT wanna know what i got put thru writing this fic#trying 2 find out where arle was in the few times we DO see her and going down a rabbit hole of fuck fontaine and its layout actually!#I spent like 3 hours looking it up and checking in game it gives me a migraine thinking abt it. ew#anyway trying to write a really smart character is surprisingly difficult when ur as dumb as rocks#also used an actual chess match for this and gave myself an even worse migraine trying 2 make sure i didnt repeat moves or smth#furina doesnt get a spotlight yet just imagine her sitting in the corner trembling like a wet kitten you found on the side of the road#arlecchino goes thru a crisis more at 11#shes a tired single dad shes isnt getting paid enough for this okay#hands u a fic over half the length of the other THREE PARTS#ehe :]#is arle actually on ur side??? is she gonna double cross u???? who knows!!!!!#shes unpredictable she might stab u for funsies#anyway im gonna go nap in a ditch now this took SO LONGGGGG OH MY G-D#also just think acolytes who arent buddy buddy w reader and even resent them is so tasty#bc how r they supposed 2 know reader was a human vibing 5 minutes before their got eebied 2 teyvat..#reader gotta roll up their sleeves and get 2 WORK sometimes murder IS okay#they gotta fix some shit around here and that means committing several crimes all at once. sometimes more#a group can be g-d (just got here) their dragon (neuvi) their cat (archon) their dog (wrio) and their wolf (arle)
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the joy of suddenly finding text posts to make SFTH memes with
#I did these in half an hour while avoiding writing my coursework#was not expecting so much Tom and Luke here but who's surprised#Tom really did change the course of the narrative with Ditch#because I doubt they started the play with aubergines knowing they would end up having the sweetest gay couple ever#aaaaaaa I just love them#shoot from the hip#sfth#shootimpro#sfth memes#luke manning#tom mayo#alexander jeremy#sam russell#sfth luke#sfth tom#sfth aj#sfth sam#own post
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catch me looking up nightingale symbolisms for tales of the passerine. if danny's using the name of a songbird for a hero name, regardless of familial connections, i will utilize the symbolism tied to the bird. Anyways general gist of the nightingale symbolism i've seen, other than what wikipedia told me, is that nightingales were frequently symbolisms of spring renewal, loss/death, love, etc. catch me about to incorporate music into Danny's character
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#tales of the passerine au#musician danny ftw. as someone who loves music i am more than happy to make this boy a frequent singer. this au is still baby#i can squeeze singer/musician danny in pr easily.#some favorite lines i saw while looking for symbolisms is that nightingales in roman culture were associated with venus and were also said#to provide comfort in the hours of darkness. eh eh? i saw a summary that in chinese folklore they were seen as symbols of hope#it didn't specify which dynasty but it did say it was a famous tale. cite also mentioned that in John Keats' “Ode to a Nightingale”#the bird’s enchanting song transports the poet to a world of transcendent beauty providing a temporary escape from the suffering and imperm#anyways looks like nightingales in gist symbolize comfort in dark times among other things#while robins in gist symbolize renewal. celebration of life. good luck. rebirth.#nightingale's color scheme in my mind is very much a dark purple-blue and black. maybe some gray too.#he'll probably try and ditch the black and white just out of paranoia. argh i need to come up with a suit design nooooo. superhero suit#design is my weakkkest design skill. have to balance between practical and a unique silhouette thats in line with their character.#esp since danny's not using his ghost half to be nightingale -- way too risky. also not using his powers/using them very little.#maybe i can work in an ocarina batman reference lmaoo. i can lean into comic/cartoon realism and have fun with that. as a treat
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decompressing with a little bit of That Old Man to practice replicating screenshots. i might even be inclined to color them soon
#the heron giveth#john lynch#ghosted (2011)#in a last ditch effort to rescue my mental health after a very LONG and SEVERE mental breakdown 2nite. i opened up clip studio paint#and suddenly he appeared there after an hour and a half. funny how that happens#i still feel like shit. but this pulled me off the ledge a little bit#the last couple times ive tried to draw him he came out like ass.... these are some pretty good jacks#soon i must draw.... paul.............
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On this day I have been dealt an unprecedented amount of psychic damage
#so for context#(this is going to be quite long)#I live in a house (college residence) and we do social events and stuff together to build unity through the trauma of academic pressure#one of these social events is darb talks/PowerPoint karaoke#where for darb talks you can give a presentation on literally anything you want#I’ve done a half hour long speedrun of Kirby lore#and I’ve also done a presentation on the undertake multiverse and sanses#expecting it to be haha funny for one night and then never brought up again#and so there’s another thing at this college called ditch day#and for ditch day seniors plan activities for underclassmen to skip class doing#it’s like an officially registered school event and teachers are obligated#to give us extensions for our problem sets and such#there is also fitch day#which is fake ditch day where you don’t actually get to skip classes and it only takes place in the morning#and these are usually just the seniors messing with us for their entertainment#so they did. a bunch of sans themed events.#not even undertake. themed#just sans themed#targeted specifically at causing psychic damage to me#there was also a fingers in his ass Sunday singalong at the end of it#truly a time
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Once again thinking about my oc who makes how to do videos that Vulcan kids like to watch, except this time I’m also thinking about “guest stars,” because you just know there’s going to be some things where you need an expert on it for
And originally I was just thinking about pleasant guest stars, and how the Human oc is unknowingly also teaching Vulcan kids how to handle their emotions because the Human is trying a lot of new things that actually scare them, or make them anxious, things like that, but they just calm themselves down on camera and continue doing them
But now I’m thinking about Jim Kirk, specifically aos Jim Kirk, guest starring before he ever became a captain, and it’s “how to ride a motorcycle,” and the whole time, this Human who is usually good at keeping a calm and pleasant disposition, just keeps turning to anxiously tell the camera “don’t do that” because Jim went straight to tricks and stuff that he shouldn’t be showing beginners
Jim Kirk is rewatching this episode as a captain, trying to avoid looking at Bones and Spock as they watch him put himself in danger without proper protective gear on
#bones is about to get his ass#god it was like 12 straight hours with those kids yesterday#they were all under the age of 10#they might have gotten me sick they kept coughing and sneezing into their hands and then grabbing me as well as touching other objects#they were all sweet kids!! they were just overstimulating and then after like. 7 hours. they had clearly overstimulated each other#so they kept getting into fights every 5 seconds#so I. I cried.#not in front of them#did not yell at them either!!#but I could not handle them anymore#had to walk away and beg another adult for help and that adult went immediately to yelling at them :(#so I had to go back to managing them#yesterday was. so stressful. but it’s not those kids fault that their parents use bbqs to just ditch them wtf#plus I had only gotten a half hour of sleep the night before so I was running on empty the entire time#but I made it through!!#(barely)#kids deserve better#seriously#anyways so I’m back to thinking about ocs who can. actually handle kids.#Star Trek#Star Trek aos#jim t kirk#jim kirk#james tiberius kirk#s’chn t’gai spock#Spock#bones#bones mccoy#leonard mccoy
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im punching and punching and punching my anxiety today
#[static]#man i need a new job but im gonna try my best to stick it out for the next year and a half so that im 'vested' -#- or whatever its called for my little tiny 401k money lmao#im starting to get anxiety about work on my days off more than usual#they just changed it from 5 years to 6 years fjgkdlghd#and im nearly at 5 years#also i think im gonna try and stick it out with the full time up until October and i'm going back to 4 days a week for my sanity#and also theyve been cracking down on ppl missing work and the winter time i have to call out a couple times a month for snow#they used to be understanding about it but it sounds like they arent anymore :)#in one breath they'll be like 'yeah it's no worries we work at a grocery store who cares! we're stacking cans this isn't life or death'#but the moment you gotta leave early due to snow so you can actually make it home in one piece they get butthurt lmao#mind you I have put my car in a ditch BECAUSE of work doing this to me and i ended up missing a week + covering repairs because of it#like ... would you rather i go home 2 hours early or miss 4-6 days of work and be in debt :)#and the answer is the 2nd one for them lmao i fucking hate them
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Ahhh yes, nothing like going to cry in a public bathroom because your friend is physically unable to be on fucking time
I've been waiting for half an hour
#im so scared that shes gonna ditch me 🤭🤭🤭#so funny#you see#i thought about telling her the hangout was half an hour early#to avoid this#but noooo#i had to trust in her
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i have such a reputation that four separate people incorporated pringles into my birthday gifts. be that girl
#to the point my one mate today (the one i almost ditched in that seminar LMAO) ((WAIT I NEED TO TELL YOUSE ABOUT HIM))#anyway! he was like 'oh i actually got you something!' which given our dynamic despite RECENT DEVELOPMENTS AHEM#is so unusual like he was NOT required to get me a gift. but then i immediately was like 'it's pringles isn't it'#and he was just like 'sigh. yeah' LMFAOOOOO#and you know what? chuffed to utter bits. ive already eaten half of them in 24 hours. scranning even more as i type this#anyway back to that guy. so you know i sometimes mention my flatmate from first year who also happens to be on my course#so off the bat we've got a weird friendship bc he's not just a coursemate bc i also lived with him#but also first year halls were assigned not chosen so it's not like we were actually FRIENDS#especially bc my flat did NOTTT get on lmfao so me and him were mainly just. acquaintances who lived and studied together?#very strange foundation to have with someone. but we went all of second year barely staying in contact#and then this year we live in the same area and for the LIFE of me i cant remember how we got back in contact#but all of a sudden we were messaging every day and meeting up before lectures and sitting together in them and stuyding together etc#and we get on REALLY well like he has my exact sense of humour i know ive posted about him several times#over the past three years being like 'me and this guy are the funniest people i know' 'he would do bits on tumblr' etc#AND THE OTHER WEEK HE ADMITTED THAT HE LIKES ME AND WE WENT ON A DATE#AND IT WENT REALLY WELL BUT I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM#SO IM TRYING NOT TO PUT PRESSURE ON ANYTHING and i was super clear w him also that im not actively searching for anything#so if smthn happens organically then it happens but if not it's my final year and that will always take priority and he was super chill#so i dont feel like i HAVE to make a decision just yet but we're going out again tomorrow#and it's like. even if it doesnt become smthn romantic i just really click with him?? like we get on so well??? IT'S SO FUN#AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! WOOHOO! pringles post derailed by a MAN. awful#hella goes to uni
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it’s always the week you’re doing the worst that your therapist is out of town
#cried at work today against my will#got ditched by coworker for our plans after waiting for her for an hour and a half bc she didn’t have the decency to communicate with me#and said coworker got me stuck doing a task that nearly gave me a panic attack because she volunteered me#why do i even bother fuck my stupid baka life#vent
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stressed
#the london weekend has me pulling my hair out a little tbh#so revpro announced the meet and greets like two days ago. and the times horribly overlap with the all in fan event#which means i gotta miss one of them. and it sucks cause i need to know asap if im ditching half of the fan event to go meet ppl#an hour away from wembley and who knows how long tickets will be available for that with whos annouced to be there#but also idk whos at doing meet and greets at the fan event. cause im obviously prioritizing kip and penny if they show up so like#but we dont know until maybe next week. who knows cause aew is so bad at announcing these things ahead of time#i just have to make decisions and its infuriating#i might be able to do both if aew meet and greets are early enough and its not that many people#but again copper box is an hour away. and the meet and greets end at 2.30 so :)#its fucked up. i hate it#anyways. we'll see i guess. sorry just had to get this out its so frustrating#the worst aew could do is not put kip and penny on this event either tho so like 🤷♀️#but again i wont know until much later. and then its ticket roulette with revpro potentially. who knows#its just irritating how these things are organized ugh#at least im still seeing both shows on good seats but. yeah#ANNOYING#night is an absolute mess on main
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Things could be worse! I could still be the person who accepted shitty, abusive behavior from someone without saying anything.
#absolutely insane that that was me#absolutely insane that im no longer that person#everytime i wonder why im so so scared to date someone again#and then i remember the aaaabsolute humiliation and shitty behavior my ex put me through#and im like ok that could have something to do with it#licherally one time when we hadent been together for long she took me to a surprise party for her mother#her entire family was there it was at her aunts house#as soon as we arrived there she ditched me to hang out with her cousins - just walked away didnt say anything#huge house huge amount of land around it no idea where she was#didnt introduce me to nobody knowing i was shy and introverted and i didnt know Anyone in her family except her mother and father#i was SO uncomfortable but i introduced myself to her family complimented her aunts beautiful house sat with her granny to make acquaintanc#after like an hour and a half of that i found her she was playing football with her cousins#whole family gather around with drinks so i joined them to watch#she didnt acknowledge me at all#and i was just watching her feeling absolutely miserable and already lowkey ashamed to have her family see this but relieved to not have to#socialize for a bit and just be able to watch... and she turned arond and yelled at me like why tf are you just fucking standing there#humiliating me in front of her entire family#and i didnt day SHIIIIT#i walked away to hang out with her brother and his girlfriend and have i didn't say shit#if it happened now i would immediately dump her ass and go home wtffff#personal#praise the lord im no longer that girl but im also terrified of dating now help#she also one time took me to a house party at her friends and i didnt see her all night#i shouldve gone home after an hour but I STAYED?! wtf lmao#and then when I found her in the backyard she didn't acknowledge me and just ignored me while I sat next to her#and continued the conversation with someone else#i literally had brain damage back then i swear
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bad news: today might actually be the worst day of my life, no hyperbole
good news: i no longer want to tear out my hair and scratch off my skin and curl up in a ball and cry
#that is good news bc the entire day i have felt like that so this development is a relief#just like. fucking everything was today that could possibly go wrong#and my usual fool-proof escape mechanisms (escaping into a story/daydream) failed me#and i havent been able to write anything since yesterday which hasnt happened in over a year and feels like a part of me died#(yes that is dramatic but its also true rip its no longer a hobby but an obsession/addiction)#AND i forgot my bracelets which fucked so thoroughly with my sensory/brain that i spent the day scratching/biting at my wrist so it wouldnt#feel so Empty™. its been hours you can still see red little flecks lmao#BUT as i said its gettint better#im wearing my bracelets now and i cancelled climbing training#and my friend and i are probably just gonna train on our own on tuesdays and ditch the group on mondays#bc That Group is so draining and horrible and we literally just fucked off half an hour too early and nobody noticed (or cared) so like#yeah i already feel better abt it. its gonna be alright :))#a biscuit's rambles#i mean its not reall alright yet but its not bad anymore and i can deal#also: this post in: tumblr is my journal/therapy/mental health outlet#lmao
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I can't even fucking WALK OUTSIDE WITHOUT GETTING SHIT FOR IT HERE FUCK OOOOOFF
#i only came here because my friend fucking lied to me and ditched me last second so I had no choice#and now im suffering literally every hour of every day for it in a dozen ways that all pushed me to want to kill myself years ago#the same fucking reasons I had to move into a moldy fucking trailer just to survive and ive been forced back into them#because even moldy trailer was too much to offer me after years of fucking devotion#my family wants me dead but wont let me kill myself and there is no fucking escape#i sat in this literally shitty fucking basement for hours just to be able to go outside without getting shit for it#and the MOMENT I THINK IM FUCKING SAFE#i learn ive been being listened for this entite time as my paranoid ass i suspected and i wasnt given a moment of fucking peace#and people wonder why im so fucked up ffs#these assholes have been abusing me and my fragile mental state for 24 fucking years and im letting them do it again WHY#i havent been this tempted in fucking months despite EVERYTHING ive been holding up and two and a half days here was all it took to ruin me
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god why is moving so much fucking WORK
#took about 5 million bags full of clothes and linens and other random shit to goodwill#thanks to a friend who has a bigass old car that we filled the trunk and backseat of#my desk is getting picked up in half an hour or so#as is my monitor#my shelves are getting picked up tomorrow#as is my desk chair#and my cousin is reclaiming her chair tomorrow evening#and my friends who i am dumping a load of stuff onto are also coming tomorrow evening#and then it's just the dining chairs and the shitty table#and the side tables and stuff#and the bed is going on Friday (which is the day i move out thank god)#i've packed my two suitcases#and am having to get more and more rutheless about ditching stuff#ack argh eek#and my internet got cut a day earlier than i expected#but now i'm using my neighbors' internet#since i couldn't communicate with anyone!!!#bc my apartment gets no cell reception!!!#phew#excited to go sad to leave and fucking DONE with the moving process
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