#i was in a weak state of mind. idk what happened. i am gross

[acefruit]

You are Not Sleeping on The Goddamn Floor 1/2

Rating: Mature

Archive Warning: tw mild smut (no sex)

Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

word count: 4,156

part two

AO3 link

tags below

Summary:

Dan and Phil's 2009 meeting reimagined. Dan is curious, they talk sexuality. Mild smut ensues.

Notes:

Okay. This is fucking embarrassing. Instead of studying for my state exam, I've made this. First fanfic I have written since my 1D times. Because it's dnp and mild smut, I feel like I'm committing a crime lol :(. If this finds some readers, I can write a second part. I'm gross. Enjoy -- (Beaware, English is not my first language)

Tags: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Phil Lester, First Kiss, Mild Smut, Kissing, Coming In Pants, Coming Out, Grinding, Awkward First Times, Virgin Dan Howell, Virgin Phil Lester, Virginity, Dan has a crush on Phil

---

Phil Lester / @AmazingPhil

:D @danisnotonfire gets here tomorrow 3:25 PM / 18 Oct 09

---

Dan would be lying if he tried to argue that he hadn’t imagined this exact moment playing out in his head over and over again since he and Phil started talking just a few months ago. A proper opportunity hadn’t presented itself until now; countless Skype conversations late into the night and thousands of exchanged Twitter messages later, Phil’s family had gone somewhere up North for a vacation and Dan was taking a gap year before starting his first semester in Manchester. With a free house for three whole days, the stars lined out for them just perfectly, presenting a chance to meet for the very first time.

He couldn’t help but feel his own heart fluttering when he disembarked the train in Manchester, looking for a lanky man with a similar build and a haircut to his own. Confused in a large city he had never been to before, Dan gave the appearance of a tourist with his large backpack and a tired expression only a person who had spent the last four hours on a train would have. For a moment he contemplated attempting to dig his phone out of the depths of his backpack and text Phil since he had hastily thrown it inside when he realised that it was his time to disembark.

Although he had planned out this moment to a tee, in the end, the two of them were tall, socially anxious guys who spent more time on the internet than they would likely admit, and neither knew how to handle these situations. On his way to Manchester, Dan carefully tailored a plan on how to approach Phil when meeting him for the first time, as if he were approaching a delicate creature, that could escape with one wrong move.

Nonetheless, he changed this plan at least three times on his way: first, he settled on shaking Phil’s hand, since hugging him could be seen as too much, and he didn’t exactly know the current state of Phil’s physical boundaries. For sure, not everybody is okay with hugs, especially on the first meeting. However, the more he reflected on this plan the less he seemed to like it; Why do people of similar age shake their hands anyway? Although Phil was four years older, this could make things more awkward, for sure. Dan reflected on one of the many long nights that they had spent talking on Skype well until dawn, with Phil already tucked in the bed with his laptop on the side, rubbing his tired eyes. “I am a cuddly person,” said he, but Dan couldn’t exactly recall the context of that conversation. Although this could have been the result of Phil’s tiredness or some sleepy delirious state that he had entered, at that moment, Dan’s eyes still twinkled with hope and excitement.

Okay, when he finds him, he will go for a hug. But maybe not a full hug, he will give him one of those half-hearted bro hugs with one of his arms just to play it safe, and…

His mind started racing. That was, until he felt a light tap on his shoulder, and he turned around.

“Hi, Dan,” smiled Phil. “Hey, our shirts are matching!”

Dan knew, that in this exact moment, his plans flew out of the window. Phil’s presence was radiant, and Dan couldn’t believe his eyes that he was actually there, right here, right now. Now, what was the plan? His mind was foggy; he wasn’t sure if it was the overstimulation from all the noises and crowdedness of a busy train station, Phil’s presence, his blue eyes, or a mixture of everything. Before Dan could decide on what his next move would be in this bewildered state, Phil had already opened his arms for Dan to step in and he found himself doing exactly that. When he felt Phil's arms wrap tightly around him, he immediately relaxed, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder, reciprocating this short, but firm bear hug. For the first time in his life, since he was a small child, Dan felt safe.

“Hi,” he said softly, feeling a smile that began to form on his lips.

---

The two of them spent that October afternoon in Manchester in each other’s presence, and Dan couldn’t help but wonder how it all felt so natural. Although this was the first time that they saw each other face-to-face, the two young men carried on as if they had known each other for ages. They got drinks at a local Starbucks and visited the Manchester Ferris wheel in Piccadilly Gardens, took selfies in a nearby Apple Store, and ended their day at the top of Cloud 23 Hilton sky bar.

“I’ve planned out so much more,” said Phil in excitement on their bus ride home to his hometown, which was not far away from Manchester. The sun had begun to set, and the two sat next to each other in a comfortable silence, watching the countryside as they passed by.

---

After Phil gave Dan a house tour, they crashed at his bedroom, which Dan knew only from his computer so far. Although a little bit messy, it still resembled Phil. However, there was something new that he didn’t recognize. There, on the floor, laid a worn-down mattress with an extra duvet.

“Oh. Brought a mattress?” Dan said, pointing at it.

“Yup,” Phil nodded, putting Dan’s backpack on the ground, which he had carried up the stairs for him. “Don’t worry, you will get the bed.”

“Phil,” Dan said. “That looks like a piece of cardboard. You can’t be serious.”

“Oh c’mon.” He waved his hand. “It’s perfectly fine. Besides, I prefer harder surfaces anyway.”

“It’s literally a piece of cardboard.”

“Hey,” Phil said, maybe a little bit offended. “Let’s watch a movie. Shall we?”

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes. After both proceeded to change into comfier clothes, Dan hopped on the bed and rolled on his stomach, while Phil sat behind his desk and turned on his laptop.

“Besides,” Phil murmured after a while, typing into the keyboard. “I changed the bedsheets if that’s what’s worrying you. So, it’s safe for you to sleep in it.” He gave him a cheeky wink.

Dan ever so slightly turned his head to the side, in an attempt to inconspicuously inhale the scent of freshly washed sheets. For some strange reason, Dan’s heart sank just a tiny bit, when he found no trace of Phil’s smell. Instead, there was nothing but the perfumed aroma of a fabric softener. Not like he could point a finger at how Phil smelled anyway; he was pretty sure that the closest thing to a fragrance that Phil ever used was a shampoo and a body spray. But to Dan, it was more than that, and it was oddly comforting. They hadn’t even spent a whole day together and yet; Dan felt like he was already obsessed with Phil’s scent. It felt like home.

“You know what,” Dan said instead, supporting his chin with one hand. His fingers traced the fabric. “At least I can tell everyone that I slept in Phil Lester’s bed.”

“Very funny,” Phil gave him a look, then turned back on his chair. “Hey, what about Kill Bill?”

“Hmm, no, this is more fun,” Dan murmured, his lips forming a tight smile. “I bet that you washed them so I couldn’t find any evidence of some unholy activities that took place in this bed.”

Dan could feel Phil’s penetrating stare.

“Unholy?” he asked in surprise. Dan couldn’t help but laugh.

He grew nervous at his sudden boldness. However, at the same time, he was so intrigued that he just had to pursue further. “That’s right. I bet you bring all sorts of dates in here.” Phil gave this sentiment a minute to think. Then he stood up and laid next to Dan, putting his laptop aside.

“Hmm… No, not to this bed, at least.”

“Oh.” His eyes grew wide, a strange feeling pooling at the bottom of his stomach. Is he taken? Phil didn’t appear to be particularly uncomfortable with this conversation, just lost in his thoughts. In the end, over Skype, they used to discuss all sorts of topics, but Phil always omitted his relationships, if he even had any.

“So… you hooked up with people before?” Dan raised an eyebrow, curiosity taking the best of him. This is okay, right? Guys always discuss their sexapades with other guys. Well, Dan had no idea, since the number of guy friends he had ever had just recently increased from zero to one, and that guy friend was lying next to him right now, in this bed. Now, Dan had his reasons why he decided not to address any of Phil’s potential partners by their gender.

He seemed to be thinking again, but his gaze shifted to the side as if already done with this conversation. “A few times.”

“A few times? Phil, you animal,” he teased.

“Dan.” Phil seemed embarrassed. So, so embarrassed, and Dan found it cute. He grabbed a pillow and buried his face in it, turning to his side. In this motion, he unintentionally cuddled up to Dan, as he bumped into his shoulder with his forehead. Dan felt shivers run down his spine.

Still in this state of shyness, Phil babbled into the pillow: “Enough about me. How is your girlfriend?”

Oh. Well, Dan for sure didn’t want the conversation to head in this direction. He turned around, now staring at the ceiling.

“To tell you the truth,” Dan scratched his head, “she dumped me over a text. Dunno why. It was out of the blue. Said it was ‘a her problem’, not me.”

Now, that was not exactly the truth – he knew damn well why. But he was not ready to discuss this with Phil, not yet at least. As he slowly put the pillow away, he met with Phil’s piercing gaze. His expression could be described only as being in a state of surprise. Phil pushed himself up on his elbow, looking directly at him, voice serious.

“Dan, I had no idea,” he said, sensing genuine hurt in his tone. Dan’s heart quivered. “I’m really sorry. Are you okay?”

Oh, fuck, Dan thought in his head. Phil appeared to be more upset than he was. He immediately turned to face him in the bed.

“Oh, no, no,” he said, apologetically, waving his hand. He gave Phil a reassuring smile. “I wasn’t in love, Phil. It’s okay.” It was hardly a relationship, he thought. If awkward teeth bumping in the back of her car on two or three different occasions even counts as a relationship.

“When did it happen?” Phil appeared to be still concerned, but partly relieved, his head falling back.

“Er.” Dan didn’t really feel like discussing his not-really-breakup with a girl who was not-really-his-girlfriend in the first place. Not because it made him upset or anything. Yes, it bummed him when he first received the text, but the reasoning was different; she was quite cool and with a great taste in music too, and Dan enjoyed talking to her sometimes. Not making out though. Or dating. Besides, except for Phil, he had nobody else to talk to. He caught himself gaping at Phil’s lips, causing him to lose himself in his thoughts.

“A week ago?” he gave a rough guess.

“Damn,” was what he said. “Bummer.”

Then, complete silence surrounded them, and for a moment, Dan forgot how to breathe, partly relieved that the girlfriend talk was over. This was different from those comfortable silences that they had experienced before since he felt out of place by having Phil so close to his body. I need to ask; I need to ask. But how do I ask him such a question without being weird?

Dan’s own heart sped up when he gathered enough courage. Now Phil’s eyes were closed, but he didn’t appear to be sleeping, either. Their foreheads were nearly touching.

“Um. Can I ask you something?” he said softly, just to be extra sure that he hadn’t fallen asleep. They were surrounded by complete darkness, the only light source coming from Phil’s laptop. He tightly grabbed the blanket spread out between them, taking a deep breath. By the way, do you happen to be gay? Hey, Phillip! By any chance, do you fancy guys? If yes, fine with me. If not, no worries, just asking. Forget it.

“Hm?” Phil hummed, keeping his eyes closed. He chuckled but it didn’t sound genuine at all. “Wanna ask me if I’m gay or something?”

Dan froze, not moving an inch. He felt his cheeks starting to burn. Maybe his heart skipped a beat, too.

After some silence, Phil sighed, and nearly whispered, his voice broken: “Dan…”

He started to panic.

“Phil. Please look at me,” he pleaded, shuffling closer.

Phil hesitantly did so.

“I don’t mind if you are. I also don’t mind if you are not. You are the only best friend I’ve ever had.”

“I was so scared, Dan,” he whispered into the pillow. “I was scared that you wouldn’t talk to me anymore if you knew…”

He is, the realization hit him.

“Oh, Phil,” Dan sighed. “Why would you think that?”

Phil hesitated again. “Not a lot of straight guys would want to hang out with a gay guy.”

His heart immediately sank. He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes.

“Nothing would make me stop talking to you. Ever.”

Phil seemed to relax after this. He smiled softly.

“I’m so glad,” he whispered.

But something still bothered Dan. He was glad that they were covered mostly by darkness.

“Sometimes, I just wonder…,” he swallowed, not sure if he should continue. “How it… feels like.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” Phil whispered.

Dan didn’t respond and bit his lip. Silence surrounded them yet again, interrupted only by their heavy breathing. Without thinking, Dan slowly raised his shaking hands to Phil’s cheeks and cupped them. They were burning just like his.

He might as well go insane. When he felt Phil’s hot breath on his lips, he slowly parted them, finally whispering the question.

“Can I…just…?” Dan asked with a quivering voice.

Phil swallowed heavily and nodded.

Dan didn’t hesitate. Still holding Phil’s burning cheeks, he closed the small distance that separated them.

When Dan connected their lips for the first time, Phil didn’t move an inch, keeping his eyes open in a complete state of shock, like a deer caught in the headlights. Hell, he might have stopped breathing at this point. Dan played with his slack, slightly parted lips, as Phil laid there completely still, placing a butterfly kiss on his top lip first, then the bottom. As his lips explored and toyed with something that he had never experienced before, Dan’s fingers traced Phil’s cheekbone until he reached a loose strand of his black hair, gently tucking it behind his ear. Grabbing the back of his head, Dan pressed their lips together into one, firm kiss. He felt Phil sigh in relief, eyes closing as he slowly melted into the touch. For a minute, they stayed like this, trapped in their own little world, here, on Phil’s bed. Dan felt dizzy, his head spinning. I’m in a dream, he thought. This was so much different from any sort of kiss that he had experienced with his not-so-girlfriend. She tasted like cherry lip gloss, but Phil, Phil. Phil was so delicate and tasted like heaven.

Noticing Phil’s still apparent stiffness as he only reciprocated the soft kisses he had been given, Dan separated their lips with a wet sound.

“Phil,” he whispered, stroking his cheek with a thumb. Phil looked at him with glossy eyes, both arms tucked by his side, bewildered, not knowing what to do. “You can touch me, too.”

But Phil still didn’t move, as if afraid that Dan might somehow fall apart if he touched him just ever so slightly. Dan figured that the best thing he could do at this moment was to guide him, so he slowly reached for his wrist, gently placing it on the small of his back. He felt Phil’s fingers digging into the fabric of his t-shirt as if gathering the courage that he needed. When Dan least expected it, Phil snuck his entire arm around Dan, pulling him as close as one could be in one, swift move, not leaving an inch of space between their burning bodies. This time, Phil brought his lips to Dan’s. The kiss deepened. Dan pulled on Phil’s bottom lip as if to ask for permission. His lips parted in response, sticking the tip of his tongue out, and Dan eagerly licked into his hot mouth, sighing in bliss. Feeling Phil’s arms wrapping tightly around him on each side, he flipped Dan on top of his body, separating the kiss only for a second. In complete surprise, Dan kicked Phil’s laptop off the bed.

“Shit!” Dan swore, breaking the embrace. Phil’s laptop landed on the mattress.

“Fuck, Dan,” Phil moaned, not caring one bit. “You are so good at this.”

Dan didn’t answer, and knowing that Phil’s laptop was likely fine, he eagerly connected their lips once again. Now having Dan on top, Phil’s grip on him only strengthened. Ensured that Dan was enjoying this as much as he was, his hands slowly slid down his back and cupped his bum with both hands. He squeezed, hard.

Dan couldn’t help but grunt into the kiss, and it was the sweetest sound that Phil had ever heard. He would do anything just to make him moan more. He firmly squeezed his bum again, grinding into him. Instead, Dan separated the kiss and pressed his head in the crook of Phil’s neck. Dan’s breathing got hot and heavy, and his body suddenly went limp in Phil’s arms. He was seeing stars.

“Phil,” he moaned again, his name never sounding more beautiful. He pressed their foreheads together. “Phil.”

“Dan,” he said, as to reassure him that he was still there with him. He grabbed his cheeks, feeling the sticky cold sweat that began to form on his skin. After a few seconds of being fixed in this position, Dan seemed to calm down.

“I need to,” he said, as if still trying to catch his breath, “I need to take a shower.”

“Okay, okay,” Phil babbled. “Let’s get you there.”

Dan got off him, ignoring the wobbliness of his legs, and helped him stand up by grabbing his hand. Never letting go, Phil first blindly searched for any source of light, preferably a lamp, knocking some books from his bedside table in the process. When he successfully turned the light on, he followed his lead, until Dan made a sharp turn in the hallway.

“Wha-?”

Phil felt the sudden coldness of a wall that he found himself pinned at, interrupted by yet another passionate kiss and a hot body flushed against his. When Dan let go, he looked him in the eyes.

“Phil, I think I’m going mad,” Dan panted. It was true; now that he knew what he tasted like, he couldn’t stop. Phil released the most beautiful heartwarming laugh ever and brought Dan’s lips to his once again. They found themselves to be gradually sliding down the wall where Phil was pressed, until he couldn’t stand it anymore and ended up pinning Dan down to the floor, kissing him right there and there. They couldn’t even make it to the next room.

“Dan!” Phil gasped as if he had just remembered something important, forming a string of saliva between them. “I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” he looked up at him with glossy eyes.

“I was lying when I told you I hooked up with people before. I haven’t hooked up with anyone. I made out with a guy once at a party because it was a bet, and then immediately after that he brushed his teeth and made me brush mine too.”

A bubbly laugh escaped his lips, raising an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

He nodded softly. Dan reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers together. He put their hands on top of his chest.

“If that is the case,” he said, stroking his hand with a thumb. “I haven’t done anything with my ex-girlfriend either. Hell, she was not even a real girlfriend in the first place. Tried to pat me through the jeans once. Didn’t work out. If you know what I mean…”

“Yeah,” Phil smiled, bringing his lips close to Dan’s ear. “Now, where were we?”

Locking Dan’s hips by his knees, he made a trail of kisses down his neck.

“Phil,” he moaned again in desperation.

Phil’s lips lingered softly over Dan’s parted lips. “God, you are so hot.”

Then, he lowered himself down to suck at Dan’s collarbone. By the time he figured that he had decorated Dan’s skin with a pretty bruise, he felt a firm grasp on both of his shoulders. Dan gasped, and when he looked down at him again, his gaze was hazy.

“Phil,” he purred. “The shower…”

Somehow, just now it clicked in Phil’s head.

“Dan… Did you come?” he teased.

Dan, totally defeated at this point, covered his face, growing red as a tomato.

“Twice…now,” he moaned in despair. Death would be more merciful than this.

Phil giggled at Dan’s embarrassment. Then, he offered him his helping hand to get him back on his legs. He led him to the bathroom and gave him a fresh towel to use. Now leaning onto the doorway, he watched as Dan took off his sweaty t-shirt and threw it on the ground. When he noticed Phil’s hungry eyes, he giggled and walked towards him. Dan placed a kiss on his jawline first, and when Phil closed his eyes and yet again leaned in to capture Dan’s lips in his own, he stopped him by putting his hands on his chest, showing him back in the hallway. Then, he closed the door in Phil’s face, laughing.

What a tease.

“Unfair,” complained Phil behind the door, to his amusement.

Dan stepped out of his messy boxers and turned the shower on. For good fifteen minutes or so, he stood there under hot water with his forehead resting on the wall, contemplating whether he should rub one out or not. In the end, he decided not to and turned the temperature from boiling to freezing.

When he was done, he put his pyjama pants back on and joined Phil in the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, also shirtless, listening to music on his phone. When he noticed Dan’s presence, he pulled his headphones out and smiled.

Dan’s cheeks warmed up, pointing to the wet curls that begun to form around his face. “My hair does that. I need to straighten it in the morning.”

“I like it,” Phil said. “It suits you.”

Still red, he stood there, not really knowing what to do next. He made a step towards his backpack and disposed of his dirty underwear somewhere. Phil’s gaze on him was undeniable, as he shuffled in his direction on the bed. Dan made another hesitant step forward.

Phil reached out his hand, opening his palm.

“Dan,” he whispered. “Come here.”

So, he did. He immediately climbed on Phil’s lap and embraced him, hard.

“You smell amazing,” Dan said to the crook of Phil’s neck, growing hot and bothered. The cold shower was completely useless, as Dan felt himself growing hard again.

“Is that so?” he asked softly, stroking his messy wet curls.

“Mmm,” he purred into his naked skin. “Phil. I need to get off of you unless you want me to dry hump you the whole night.”

Phil giggled in response. “Yeah? What if I do?”

Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s cheek, as his heartbeat sped up rapidly. He fought with every ounce in his body to not pin Phil to the bed again.

Phil leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. His hands began wandering, sliding down his back and eventually cupping Dan’s bum again.

Alarm bells started ringing in Dan’s ears.

“I’m sleepy,” he babbled, panicking. He was, in fact, not sleepy. “Let’s go to sleep.”

And just like that, he was gone from Phil’s lap. Dan slipped under the duvet on that godforsaken mattress. It was as comfortable as a pile of rocks.

“Dan!” Phil looked at him from the bed. “Come up here. I’m not letting you sleep on the floor.”

“I’m a guest in this house and it is my wish to sleep here,” he said stubbornly, his entire head covered by the duvet. “Goodnight, Phil.”

Phil smirked, reaching out to turn the light off. “Goodnight, Dan. Sleep well.”

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

i dont fucking know if my thoughts are my own or if ive just been so emotionally and verbally abused each day that im starting to internalize someone elses idea of me. idk what to think lately. im so fucking depressed and anxious and sad like every single day, it hurtsso much, and it fucking sucks that there are people in my life who just view me as a sad sack of shit with no aspirations or value. i never get more than a day to get better from anything before someone in my life is pressuring me to get off my ass and do something productive. dont you know tht there is something seriously wrong with me. idk why i cant do things, i just cant. i wan to be so productive and social, i just cant bring myself to do it right now. i feel so trapped and overwhelmed. do you realize how exhausting it is to wake up everyday with a mind attacking itself, with a body that aches, with a hope that this will be your last day of suffering, with no sense of what it is you need in order for the suffering to stop. i want to scream but i have no energy to. i want to die one minute and then hope to save my own life the next, contradicting every word or thought with an action that is not my own. theres days where my health anxiety is practically non existant and then something will happen, it could be something so nonsensical and somehow ill get triggered or worried and there i go absolutely obsessed with some strange pain or weird tension, or god forbid i actually get infected with something. thats all i could focus on 24/7 until i find some way to make it better, but the worry from the thing that im feeling and wondering about my health, this shit brain decides its so stressful and scary that i should just starve myself, cause if i were skinny, these prooblems wouldnt feel so big, or maybe id be able to go to the doctor if im 2 sizes smaller. that doesnt make any sense. i know it doesnt so why do i do what i do. and then theres the cutting that i feel i have to do or else i wont learn from my mistakes but if i cut myself whenever i impulsively feel like it, then that makes my immune system too weak to fight off whatever i think i have this week so im trying to recover from that as its only making everything more complicated, but its all i can think about, especially in this self loathing state im in now. im such an idiot, im just a sick fuck who cant stop thinking to herself that maybe im faking all this and im actually okay. i think its all my fault for being this way, i dont remember what started all these unhealthy coping mechanisms but it has to have started with a thought right? i feel so ashamed for being this way, it was stupid of me to ever adopt such habits restriction makes me more confident but the constant exercise makes me too weak to go anywhere to show that confidence, and great! now i actually am sick, and my immune system is shit, and my emotional state and self hatred is making it worse, and im too overwhelmed to see anyone in my life who thinks they love me, because i dont want them to see me like this. they wouldnt believe me if i tried to explain that im struggling and need help. ive tried. they dont listen. they dont realize whats important. i know i put em through hell, im selfish, im self centered and dramatic and lazy and gross and undeserving of any love they think they have for me. i dont trust it. dont tell me you love me, you barely know me, the real me, the one i keep locked behind a closed door each night, to contemplate what im going to do about this shit life ive curated for myself. im so tired, im so fucking tired all of the time. i dont know how to keep going. i dont know how to do anything for that matter. im not even going to revise this shit post, im too tired, i just need to announce somewhere, somehow, that im so fucking lost that i dont even know if my thoughts are my own, or what it means to be a person. everyday with this bullshit, now im getting into existential dread territory, im just so sick of my own shit! im sick of myself. why cant i function like everyone else???

i want it to be over, i wish my problems could just be solved without any external help. i just want to wake up tomorrow and for everything to just be okay. i want to feel okay again. i dont need anything fancy, please let me wake up tomorrow with hope of brighter days. its so hard to see the beauty in my life when im being suffocated and pinned down by something invisible. i dont have the capacity to love or care for anyone or anything, and no one can see that i just need a break?? how can you not see me? no one can see, ill show them and they still wont see! they refuse, simply because, they cannot see inside my head and dont care enough to want to. they think they do. i tried to tell them time and time again but i think its just that when i am feeling okay, they dont like the choices i make. when im okay, i make sure i make the most of that time by prioritizing my own happiness over everyone elses, and that really pisses people off! to the point where they want to tear me down and take that light away from me. i didnt ask to be here, now, with all this pressure on my shoulders to be more than what i am. im simply existing. i can feel it. tomorrows gonna be so shit. i can always sense the storm before it comes, i wish i could prevent it, or ease my pain in some way. these substances are nice in the moment but eventually the buzz will wear off and ill just be me again, with nothing to offer. i dont have anything to offer. life is too hard, i gave up so long ago and didnt even realize that is what was happening at the time. i just go through it day by day without fully processing that ill have to wake up the next day. i wish my life was a dream i could wake up from. my brain isnt working right. i dont recognize myself. i hate how alone we all are. every sensation, thought, visual, sound, and taste. you are completely isolated from everyone around you.

[ilikekidsshows]

just found your blog and I agree with basically everything you've said about senti-adrien. The thing that's bothered me the most about this theory is that it's literally taking the character who struggles with people objectifying him and turning him into a literally object, which is really gross because it gives "credibility" to all these peoples awful actions. idk I feel like this show can't properly handle adrien being a sentimonster appropriately without having seriously bad connotations

I hadn’t really thought much about how Adrien being a Sentimonster recontextualizes the issues with Adrien’s bodily autonomy in the show. I see what you mean, but we need to build up to it, since it leans on a lot of the other stuff the show has shown us about Sentimonsters that makes the idea of Sentimonsters having human rights unforgivably gray for a show that would have one of its leads be a Sentimonster. I'm basically using this ask as a chance to create a "master post" of sorts.

Before we begin, to anyone who comes across this post: this is long, but it should cover basically all of my gripes with this concept. You don't need to read through my entire backlog to see my views on the topic now, but, if you wish to discuss this topic with me, you must read through this entire thing and consider what I am saying. If I see any of the token one size fits all responses that don't address the actual issues presented in this post that I usually get when I post about something "controversial", I will block you on sight. I'm tired of trying to discuss this matter with people who don't care about my opinion enough to actually read my post. If you don't respect my opinion, I won't respect yours.

“SentiAdrien diminishes Adrien’s role as a victim of abuse” is a statement that the SentiAdrien Stans have translated to mean “Adrien being artificial means he can’t be abused”, both because it’s an easy mistake to make but also because they want that to be the argument because it’s easy to dispute. “That’s just your opinion,” or “You’re wrong,” will do the trick. But the issue with SentiAdrien Stans coming at anyone who questions the implications of SentiAdrien’s abuse with: “Adrien being a Sentimonster doesn’t make his abuse less real!” is this: I have never seen the argument used with this stated intent. No one is arguing that the abuse didn’t happen if Adrien is a Sentimonster. The argument has always been: “It weakens Adrien’s role as the victim of Gabriel’s abuse specifically”.

SentiAdrien's issues do have a part to do with Adrien being artificial, since these issues wouldn’t exist if he wasn’t artificial, but only due to how his artificiality is presented. I will illustrate these all together now. I’ve covered all if not most of these before in separate posts, but they’re now more topical than ever, since I've seen Theory Stans now repeat their weak defense add nauseum, so it’s best to be thorough.

1) Adrien being a Child Slave makes Adrien being an Abuse Victim less of a big deal

Here’s the rub: there are different levels of bad, there are even different levels of unacceptably bad. I’ll demonstrate with a practical example. A family needs monetary support to feed and clothe themselves. A government agency only has a limited amount of money they can give to this family. People going hungry and having nothing to wear are both unacceptable for human beings, but you are more likely to die if you don’t eat than if you don’t have clothes. So the family is either given food or they themselves prioritize food when using a stipend. Money is a limited resource, but, for some people, sympathy is also a limited resource. The people who only have so much sympathy to go around will prioritize giving it to the people who are the worst off. You can see this in any online argument where one person goes: “X has it much worse, you should be grateful!”

SentiAdrien will get most of his sympathy from being a Sentimonster, a being who is literally a mind slave, rather than being a victim of domestic abuse, because being controlled to the level where your owners have literally built you like a Frankenstein’s Monster and decided what thoughts go into your brain is infinitely worse than being neglected by your parents. You are far less likely to recover from the trauma of being a literal robot built from parts that were selected by the people who then proceeded to program in your personality and have two remote controllers, one that can overwrite whatever independent thoughts you manage to have and another that they can use to end your existence with a thought. "Being lonely sometimes" is not so bad in comparison.

SentiAdrien retroactively gives Adrien Salters more ammunition when they call Adrien things like: “Sadrien Angstgreste”. Now they can just say: “Stop whining about your dad being busy, you don’t even know you’re a remote control robot yet!” and they are technically correct. Adrien still has a reason to be sad and even traumatized over being neglected, but being neglected is actually the least of his problems.

2) Gabriel abusing a Sentimonster makes too much sense in comparison to him abusing his biological son

I’m going to start this section by telling you all a sad truth that some people really need to hear: the only reason abuse “happens” is because some person decided to be abusive. Abuse doesn’t actually “happen”; abuse is not some unavoidable singular event that occurs if the circumstances are just right, it’s a person making an active decision repeatedly to abuse their power over another person. I hope I don’t need to tell you that defending abusive parents with “they just have a hard time understanding their child” is fucking bullshit. Simply put, some people just are abusive. Abuse is born within an abuser, who makes the judgment call and decides that their own opinions and feelings are so much more important than anyone else’s that they have the right to force others to conform to their desires. It’s not solely born out of any outside circumstances or just stress.

The thing about fiction is that it’s not real life, it’s fiction. It’s the made up world and story of some writer(s). This means that the world and story also hold the biases of those writers. It’s very easy for a person who’s a writer and not actually someone studied in psychology to make the mistake to think that abuse needs a reason to happen. “Normal people don’t abuse their kids,” they think and they follow it up with: “What triggers their abusive behavior” rather than: “What made them that way?” It’s true that, while some people are naturally inclined to be abusive due to personal trauma, learned world views or temperament, some of these people go a long while before they succumb to their abusive impulses. But this “trigger” doesn’t cause the abuse; it’s whatever trauma or personality flaw that made them inclined to be abusive to begin with. And that inclination has nothing to do with their victim, so writing a story where the “trigger” causes the abuse is inaccurate and has serious repercussions for what your story says about abuse.

You can argue that these storylines can teach the lesson that abusing anyone for any reason is wrong, which is a good blanket statement. But, it does still maintain the illusion that there can be an outside reason for abuse. When the reason for abuse comes from outside the abuser, the abuser becomes a victim of circumstances. And if we’re blaming a situation on circumstances, we’re only a step away from blaming the person who is viewed to be responsible for those circumstances. It’s literally how we get to victim blaming.

“Gabriel abuses Adrien because he’s a Sentimonster,” is only a step away from: “Gabriel would be a normal, loving parent to a non-Sentimonster kid,” which is literally the same thing but from a different perspective as: “If Adrien wasn’t a Sentimonster, he wouldn’t be abused.” Now replace “Sentimonster” with any real life reason abusive parents give for their abuse and you’ll see the issue.

3) SentiAdrien actually, canonically, is worth less than Human Adrien

Every single Sentimonster fight ends with the Sentimonster dead, whether it’s through cleansing it or erasing it from existence. While it’s true that the villains most often get rid of the human-looking ones, the heroes don’t exactly lose sleep over this senseless waste of supposedly sentient life, while Emilie’s death is the biggest conflict driver in this series. Either the main villain Gabriel cares more about people dying than the actual heroes, or we’re not supposed to feel like the erased Sentimonsters are real people being murdered left and right.

Only Sentibug got any kind of sendoff, and that episode ended with Marinette making a goofy face over how jealous she was over Lila. They didn’t even spend a minute being upset that she was dead (I think it was maybe 40 seconds). The characters were more upset over the principal confiscating Markov (who Astruc himself has called a "toaster") than Sentibug’s death, and Sentibug’s supposedly proof that Sentimonsters get “equal” consideration to humans.

This is the argument Theory Stans most often translate to “I personally don’t think Sentimonsters can be abused because they’re artificial”, but, as you can see, this is not an opinion, this happens in the show. The writers put that there. That’s the message the writers send. That’s their bias.

Being okay to be killed is not the same as being equal to a human.

4) SentiAdrien makes Gabriel look more progressive in terms of Sentimonster rights than the heroes

In the previous segment I established that, by the actions of the show’s own writers, Sentimonsters do not have equal rights to humans. The heroes as well, who are used as an example of morally correct behavior, do not care about Sentimonsters as much as they about humans. As I said, when Sentibug was killed, they mourned her for less than a minute and then forgot all about it, while Gabriel has spent much more time fretting over SentiAdrien’s safety, even as he causes him to be in danger to begin with. Also, normally the heroes don’t care about Sentimonsters at all, cleansing them without hesitation. As such, why is Gabriel not taking the feelings of his robots slave into account villainous in comparison to what the heroes are doing? At least he’s not erasing that slave from existence, something the heroes do to almost every single Sentimonster they encounter.

Even Sentibug was asked to fight with the heroes against her creator the instant she was given free will. Meanwhile, main timeline Gabriel has not requested SentiAdrien to aid him in his fight against the heroes even once. I am not counting ‘Cat Blanc’ or ‘Ephemeral’ because those have not canonically happened in the main timeline and Marinette herself did stuff that was morally effed up that she’s not guilty of anymore in her erased timeline in ‘Ephemeral’.

Gabriel canonically treats SentiAdrien better than the heroes have treated any Sentimonster they’ve knowingly encountered. The heroes need to come to grips with some things.

5) SentiAdrien being a Product(™) is an in-universe fact

Now we get to Anon’s point. Emilie and Gabriel designed SentiAdrien from his looks to his interests. The core of his being, his essence, is a piece of jewelry that can be stolen, sold or bought. An item has no say in who owns it, even if it’s owner came to own it through illegal means. As a Sentimonster, this is SentiAdrien’s lot in life. He has no say in who “owns” him, because it only takes possession of the Amok or the Peacock Miraculous to do so. With the Amok, the person can even make Adrien agree to being their possession, while with the Peacock it would be under threat of death. SentiAdrien is literally just like a Pearl from Steven Universe, an object that can be programmed to love his owner. Considering how SentiAdrien was basically designed to stand around and look pretty, it doesn’t matter how attached the audience is to him; in-universe he’s little more than a sentient Real Doll.

Of course all those characters feel entitled to Adrien’s person, of course he repeatedly gets objectified by everyone and their cousin: he’s a product designed to be ogled by the masses. He’s just serving his purpose. Other people are entitled to him. Adrien’s rabid fans have been played for laughs so far, like they’re not really doing anything wrong. But, since he’s also a thinking, feeling being, that entitlement is at war with Adrien’s right to bodily autonomy. Is it supposed to be horrifying or funny? The show gives mixed messages about how much human rights are also Sentimonster rights. The average viewer should not be required to go through random twitter logs for things like this.

Even SentiAdrien’s Amok is disgustingly appropriate. What is a ring? A pretty adornment. What is Adrien The Brand? A pretty adornment.

What the SentiAdrien discourse defaults to is this: Either the Peacock Miraculous is fundamentally evil or it’s okay to use Sentimonsters for their intended purpose. Either Sentimonsters are all fully sentient and the heroes are murderers many times over, or it’s a murky ground where Adrien’s treatment by Gabriel (and Emilie) can be justified with: “How was Gabriel supposed to know he was different?”

[trensu]

Episode 50: The One with the Greatest Family Reunion(s) of All Time

so we start the ep with nhs's truly oscar-worthy performance which results in jgy getting stabbed

And i cheer for both the performance AND the stabbing!!!

lxc has his eyes closed bc that's his coping mechanism when times get tough

lol lxc is like I TOLD YOU I WASN'T GONNA HOLD BACK IF YOU DID ONE MORE BAD THING

and jgy is like i know!! that's why i haven't done one more bad thing!!!!

everyone's faces are like sure jan

but then they look at nhs like, wait a minute...

jgy is like why are you looking at him? you're not gonna see anything! i didn't see anything all these years and i'm smarter and sneakier than all of you!!!

okay, he didn't say that last part but it was def implied

jgy: nhs, good for you. i didn't expect that you would be my downfall.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQ--uhhh, NIE HUAISANG!!

nhs hasn't broken character either! He needs to join a theater troupe or smth with those skills.

blah blah lxc and jgy are having Feelings blah blah blah lxc is conflicted blah

hm, those Feelings are becoming rather Dramatique

ugh jgy just let it go and die already

jgy: have I ever done you wrong?

UM?? how about KILLING his little brother's soulmate?

which resulted in him having to watch his little brother suffer extreme physical punishment and then grieve for years after??

PRETTY SURE THAT HURT LXC QUITE A LOT

Jgy: now you won't even give me a chance to live?

I THINK THE FUCK NOT!!!

oh we're getting some not so great special effects and jgy drags lxc to the coffin and then bleeds all over it, gross

ooooh, the Temple of Doom is starting to fall apart

lwj makes a move towards lxc but wwx grabs his arm and stops him!

bc it's dangerous to get too close and wwx is protective of his soulmate!!

jc starts the evacuation bc hello the building is crumbling and he gets everyone out except the lan bros, wwx and jgy

Jgy: stay and die with me

FUCK YOU JGY

but lxc was ready and willing to do that, so jgy shoves him back bc why the hell not

(we're gonna ignore how awkward that particular maneuver was, we already know special effects are not a priority in this show)

Jgy's like lets emotionally torment lxc some more, just for kicks, bc I'm an ASSHOLE

lwj catches his brother and he is Concerned.

Eventually our lan bros and wwx flee the temple and jgy has one last meltdown before getting crushed LIKE THE MAGGOT HE IS

Now we cut to a shot of all our crew standing outside

and we see my bratty son slowly fall to his knees with a look of UTTER SORROW AND PAIN ON HIS FACE

Bc he was BETRAYED by his nice uncle

MY POOR SON!!

we get reaction shots from wwx and the lan bros

(wwx continues to be beautiful even when sad)

oh, now lxc and nhs are having a moment sitting on the steps of the temple

lxc asks nhs if jgy really had made a move

nhs is like, you questioning me is making me doubt everything! idk idk!!

even amidst his grief he takes a moment to be completely exasperated by NHS's catchphrase lolol

now we cut to wwx sitting on a different set of stairs, carefully fiddling with his demon flute and he looks up to see jc watching him and HE SMILES

BC THAT'S HIS LITTLE BROTHER!! 

AND THEY'RE ALL STILL MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE AFTER THAT HOT MESS!!

oooh, he's unwrapping his sleeve and we get a flash of his bare forearm 

how scandalous! you're gonna give lwj vapors, wwx

We see the very last cut on his arm fade away bc finally mxy has been avenged

AND WWX SMILES AGAIN!!

cut to jc and jl watching wwx smile

bc i mean, who wouldn't be captivated by wwx's smile?

PEOPLE YOU CAN'T TRUST, THAT'S WHO

none of the sect leaders before were captivated by that smile AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!!

oh that smile didn't stick around for long bc we hear barking!!

wwx gets this panicked wide-eyed expression that mAKES ME WANNA HIDE HIM AND PROTECT HIM FROM THE WORLD

But I also don't want to get murdered by LWJ's death glare so I'll just let him hide and protect wwx...

omg my bratty son looks SO HAPPY and shouts "fairy!!" before running towards his doggy friend

i'm not much of a dog person, tbh, but MY BRATTY SON IS SO HAPPY 

and fairy did bring a whole crew of cultivators...

too little too late, some smart spiritual dog he is, lololol

we've got lan disciples, and jiang disciples and all these people swarming around our crew, fussing over them. 

it's kind of sweet except i notice that no one's approached my bratty son 

he is, in fact, ALL ALONE with fairy and i am OFFENDED on his behalf

not that my bratty son seems to mind

he's too wrapped up in his doggy reunion to notice BUT I NOTICED SO I'LL BE OFFENDED ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US

wwx is smiling as he sees lwj and jc being fussed over by their respective disciples

so cute so CUTE, I love his smiles so much

lwj stands up and greets his uncle with a stately bow 

god he's elegant and regal af, how the hell does he do it

but his uncle's a douchebag and barely acknowledges him before turning to leave and lwj watches him go, kind of hurt, kind of surprised

ooooh, now we get a shot of jc watching wwx as he gets questioned by oyzz

Oyzz is like what happened? Are you hurt? Is everyone okay??

and we can see wwx is still smiling!! BC MY BOY IS MADE OF SUNSHINE OKAY

awwwww

jl looks up  with an ADORABLE smile on his face and tells fairy to wait outside 

HE TAKES FAIRY OUTSIDE BC HE KNOWS WWX IS AFRAID OF DOGS!!!

My bratty son is actually very sweet!!

jc starts to leave the scene (and it's only until now that he stops staring at wwx btw) and wwx watches him go 😔

cut to a shot of lwj blatantly staring at wwx as per usual

wwx looks up and meets his gaze 

they get lost in each other for a bit bc when DON'T they?

We’re at the steps of the temple again and we see nhs pick up jgy's crumpled up hat looking all contemplative

oops, nhs's fingers come away from the hat all tacky with blood, yuck

cut to my bratty son running back into the temple where all the cultivators are inspecting stuff and he asks ljy where wwx is

HE'S ASKING AFTER MY SUNSHINE BOY!

Y'know, his not-evil, not-angry uncle? 

ljy tells him that he and hanguang jun left after they brought them lil apple

lol, the idea of ljy and oyzz dragging lil apple along just to return him to wwx cracks me up

jl tells ljy to take care of fairy for him before he dashes off to find his new uncle

BUT JC STOPS HIM?? "don't chase after them"

look at jc being all Cool leaning against that tree

in his fashionable robes

with his awesome sword tucked in the crook of his elbow

jl throws one last glance at the direction wwx and lwj left, and then joins jc under the tree 

jc is like, they're long gone kid

jl: so that's it? you're letting them leave just like that??

jc: what else? invite them to stay for dinner? say thank you and then i am sorry??

lol, he's working himself up into a snit already

But also, like, MY BRATTY SON HAS A GOOD HEART, OKAY??

he just hides it under bluster bc he's sensitive and people are mean to him all the time!

HE WANTED TO CONNECT WITH WWX (AND MAYBE LWJ??) NOW THAT THIS WAS ALL OVER

AND HE WOULD'VE DONE IT IF NOT FOR JC BEING ALL HUNG UP ON HIS ISSUES STILL

not that i hold that against jc, that's a lot of emotional trauma he's gotta work through

LOL JL IS NOT GONNA LET HIMSELF BE COWED BY HIS UNCLE BC WHEN DOES HE EVER?

JL: it was exactly bc of the way you were acting that they took off! you're such a pain in the neck!!

AND THEN HE POUTS AND FALLS INTO A CROUCH WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED AND STARTS SULKING UP A STORM

I LOVE MY BRATTY SON SO MUCH

JC: IS THAT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPEAK TO YOUR ELDERS? ARE YOU ASKING TO GET DISCIPLINED??

these two crack me up every time, i swear

but the whole corporal punishment is...problematic

jc raises his arm to smack jl and jl ducks and raises his own arm to block the blow and i'm sitting here like, yikes

but then we get a shot of jc's open palm, out of focus with a crisp backdrop of red leaves from the tree they're under

and his hand is just held there, stilled for just a moment before the fingers start to gently curl inward and the strike never happens (thank god)

jc: lets go home, jin ling. let everyone go back to the place where they belong

he walks off with jin ling springing to his feet and chasing after him a beat later

jl: was there something you wanted to say to wwx?

have i mentioned i love my bratty son? BECAUSE I DO. A LOT.

jc: no, there isn't.

jl: bullshit!

I LOVE HIM!! WHAT A MOUTHY BRAT 💜

JL: i saw it with my own eyes! you wanted to talk to wwx! but you didn't say a word just now or back in the temple!

jc: there is nothing to say

jl: bullshit! you had something to say!

while this entire exchange is happening we see jc marching ahead, not looking at jl at all, but jl is walking backwards eyes pinned to his face the entire time

bc my son might be a brat but he's also pretty observant and he KNOWS his uncle 

AND NOW WE GET A FLASHBACK

WE GET A BIG REVEAL

we're back at “the ones where we gross sob FOREVER”

and wwx is telling jc to stay put at the inn while he goes to get food and meds

his voice all weak and tremulous

but jc steps out of the inn for a moment after wwx leaves

AND SEES THAT THE WEN FLUNKIES CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS BROTHER!!

they were like three feet away from grabbing his big brother

and he says internally, "take care. i'm leaving jyl in your hands"

AND I'M CRYING BC THEY'RE PLAYING THAT MUSIC

THAT SWEET TENDER MUSIC THEY PLAY WHENEVER JYL AND HER BROTHERS HAVE A MOMENT

Jc goes and causes a distraction and lets himself be caught by the wens

SO THAT HIS BIG BROTHER AND BIG SISTER COULD STAY SAFE

I'M CRYING I'M CRYING

MY YUNMENG SIBS, MY POOR YUNMENG SIBS!! 

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO SUFFER SO?? 

WHY WERE THEY SO DAMN SELF-SACRIFICING??? 

WHY THE HELL COULDN'T THEY LEARN TO COMMUNICATE BETTER???

cut back to the present, and jc's eyes are welled up with tears 

he has a hurt little smile on his face, he says, "take care"

softly, mostly to himself

after a moment, he turns to jin ling and says "lets go"

and we watch them leave

I just want them all to be a BIG HAPPY FAMILY DAMN IT

cut to the next scene, we hear ~THEIR SONG~ start playing in the background all slow and soft

i love the overhead shot we get of them surrounded by the gorgeous foliage, it's so peaceful

As wwx and lwj walk slowly and at ease with lil apple between them 

AND MY HEART FEELS SO TENDER AND FULL OMG

lwj: wei ying

he says it all seriously. wwx looks at him and he's got A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE 

bc he's looking at his soulmate!!!

who wouldn't smile when looking at their soulmate???

he's cheerfully twirling his flute bc finally all is right in the world! 

the mystery is solved, his loved ones are safe

and he's traveling with lwj and lil apple

nothing could be better!

wwx: whats up?

lwj is pointedly not looking at him

lwj: there is something that I…

and here he stops in his tracks, and wwx stops with him

lwj: i didn't tell you.

wwx gets all playful and leans on lil apple, and waggles his demon flute and lwj

wwx: what is it?

Look at that mischievous grin!!

he's all prepared to tease the heck out of lwj for whatever he's about to say LOL

but they're interrupted!!

wen ning and lan sizhui are running after them and wwx notices

LOLOL

His face scrunches up and he mutters under his breath like, damn it! every time!! these two are fast! 

wwx: sizhui, why are you following us? aren't you afraid of old master lan calling you out?

MY SUNSHINE BOY IS SMILING SO MUCH THIS EPISODE, I'M SO HAPPY!!!

lsz: i have something important to ask you!

he's all out of breath!

wwx turns to look at lwj eyes wide and curious before going back to lsz

wwx: what is it?

lsz goes on to explain how he's been remembering things but he's unsure of stuff so he wanted to ask them about it

wwx looks confused and glances at lwj 

lwj just looks back at him briefly before his eyes flick down

wwx: what is it that you want to know?

lsz looks down and, like, gathers up the strength needed for this next line of questioning. 

with the sweetest smile, and the softest eyes he starts listing stuff

like how he knew a cocky chef who was actually a terrible cook

(wwx laughs confusedly at this)

and how that man planted him in a field and told him he'd grow faster with some watering and sunlight

AND WE GET A FLASHBACK OF LITTLE A-YUAN PLOPPED IN THE DIRT GETTING BURIED BY WWX

he goes on to say how that man would play with him 

and how he had invited hunguang jun for a meal and then didn't pick up the tab so hanguang jun had to pay

There we get a flashback to their meal at the yiling wine house!

we cut back to the present and WWX'S FACE IS STUNNED, EYES WELLING UP WITH TEARS, AND LSZ IS GETTING CHOKED UP AS HE TELLS HIM THINGS

AND WWX'S BREATHING GETS SHAKY 

BC LSZ TELLS HIM HIS SURNAME IS WEN

wwx blinks rapidly, not believing what he's hearing

wwx: wen was your surname? isn't lan your surname?

wwx: lan sizhui, lan yuan.. A-yuan?

AND OH GOD HIS FACE, HIS FACE

His eyebrows are furrowed

His eyes are full of tears!

he's looking at lsz like this has to be a dream bc it's too good to be true

Lsz nods jerkily

AND I'M TRYING TO HOLD BACK TEARS

HOW THE HELL IS LWJ WATCHING THIS ALL GO DOWN WITHOUT CRYING??

he's watching his son so intently

he's seeing his two most precious people reunite

and there are no tears??

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HE'S VERY OBVIOUSLY MOVED BY THIS BUT NOT CRYING

MEANWHILE MY FACE IS A FREAKING RIVER OF EMOTION

lsz: i...i am a-yuan

and his voice all cracked with feeling

wwx huffs and is still shaky

wwx: didn't a-yuan pass away already?

he's thought his kid was dead this whole time

MY HEART, MY HEART

lwj had been staring at lsz this whole time but when he hears wwx say that, his gaze drops to the ground 

HE FEELS ASHAMED (AS HE SHOULD BE!!) BC HE DIDN'T TELL WWX SOONER

wwx turns to lwj, hope and tentative joy in his voice

wwx: lan zhan, was it you?

lwj meets his gaze and says yes, his voice steady and firm

lwj: this was the thing i haven't told you about

Yeah, i know, i’ve been YELLING AT YOU ABOUT IT THIS WHOLE TIME

and wwx looks back at lsz, breath choppy and lsz flings himself into wwx's arms!!!

I AM SOBBING

lsz: i really missed you, i really missed you

THEY'RE BOTH CRYING AND CLINGING TO EACH OTHER SO HARD

OH GOD I NEED TISSUES

wwx laughs and sniffles

wwx: silly boy, why are you crying?

AS IF YOUR FACE ISN'T STREAMING WITH TEARS, WWX

lsz pulls back and scrubs his face in his sleeve

lsx: i wasn't crying. i was just feeling really sad and yet thrilled at the same time

YOU TWO STOP DENYING YOUR TEARS

IF I HAVE TO SIT IN A PUDDLE OF MY TEARS THEN YOU HAVE TO OWN UP TO YOUR OWN TEARS, YOU HEAR ME??

lsz: i couldn't put it into words

lwj: then don't

pffft, ofc lwj would be the one advocating for LESS WORDS lololol

wwx laughs at that

wwx: that's right. no need to say anything

then he starts his theatrics, bc he wouldn't be wwx without his theatrics

he leans on lil apple and rubs his own shoulder

wwx: damn, you little ones are strong, you are indeed a student of hanguang jun

he looks at lwj and points his demon flute at him

HE'S SO HAPPY

lwj: he is a student of yours as well

omg lwj delivers this line so sincerely

like, there was barely a pause between what wwx and what lwj responded with

he's so freaking earnest

LOL wwx straightens up at that and reaches for lsz

wwx: no wonder he is such a handsome boy!

Wwx, you are SHAMELESS

He giggles as he pats lsz’s face, it’s freaking adorable

lsz: master wei didn't teach me anything!

wow lsz, you've had your other dad back for all of five minutes and you're already sassing him?

he truly is wwx's son lol

wwx: i did! it was bc you were so little and you forgot

You’re sounding a bit defensive there, wwx...

lsz: yes, i seem to recall. i remember now

wwx immediately starts preening

wwx: you see. i've mentored him!

lsz: for example, switching the portrait of a beauty into--

wwx slams his hand over lsz's mouth, HIS FACE IS A PICTURE OF PANIC

LOLOLOL

lwj's eyes have widened slightly and developed an edge of Judgement 

wn peeks at lwj out of the corner of his eyes like he's trying to gauge his reaction or smth lolol

wwx laughs awkwardly and takes his hand off lsz's mouth to shake a finger at him, wearing a tight smile on his face

lsz: and when a pretty lady passes by--

wwx: NONSENSE!!!

LOL I'M  D Y I N G

wwx shouts this at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS to drown out lsz

he whirls on him pointing an accusatory finger and marches towards him as lsz scrambles back

wwx: nonsense! how come you're remembering these kinds of things? how could i teach little kids these things?

LOL HE'S TALKING SO FAST

lsz: you did! wen ning can testify!

wow, way to throw your uncle under the bus, lsz

kids these days have no filial piety!

wwx: there's nothing for wen ning to testify!

OMG WN AND LWJ IN THE BACKGROUND 🤣🤣🤣

as soon as lsz draws attention to him, wn looks at lsz like WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

and lwj side-eyes wen ning SO HARD, like what the hell did you let wwx teach my son?

wwx: stop talking nonsense! i am telling you, little boy. lan zhan, what did you teach him?

AND WE GET THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SHOT OF LWJ HERE

as soon as wwx turns to him with his wild accusations, lwj gets this delightfully crooked smile on his face 

and he looks down as if there's TOO MUCH JOY IN HIS HEART that he can't bear to watch for long

GOD THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. 

and this marks, what, THE THIRD? the third time lwj smiles in public, all OUT IN THE OPEN?

I'M DYING, I'M DYING

wwx: when a-yuan was little and with me, he was a good boy!

lsz: it's the truth!

wwx: nonsense!

wwx: do you see that pit? no matter how big you've become, i will still plant you into that pit. understand?

lsz has a big grin on his face

wwx: what are you laughing at? you dumb boy!

AND THEN LSZ DROPS TO THE GROUND AND HUGS WWX'S LEG LIKE HE USED TO WHEN HE WAS A TODDLER

AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL IN THE WORLD

wwx laughs to himself and lwj still has a small smile playing across his lips as he watches his son

wwx: a-yuan, you are too old for this

AS IF HE'S NOT LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT

wwx: do you remember, you used to grab hanguang jun's leg when you were little, just like this?

so many wonderful flashbacks of little a-yuan clinging to his parents’ legs!!

oh god, oh god, my heart, my heart is going to explode from all the tender feelings!! Look at their faces

wwx's mouth slowly curls into a smile before it grows INTO A FLASH OF HIS SQUINTY-EYED SMILE

you know the one!

the one that stretches SO BIG WITH HAPPINESS IT LIGHTS UP THE WHOLE WORLD?? YEAH, THAT ONE

and then we cut to lwj's face

he has the softest expression on his face

he's got this gentle, tiny smile, the slightest of curves at the corners of his mouth

and in his eyes are SO FULL OF LOVE AND WARMTH as he watches his soulmate smile at him with their son clinging to his soulmate's leg

AND I MUST'VE DIED AND GONE TO THE GOOD PLACE BC THIS IS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE REAL

now we cut to a different scene, lwj and lsz are in the background have some sort of father-son chat, while wwx and wn chill in the foreground

here we find out that wn and lsz plan to go back to qishan to build some sort of memorial to their loved ones

wwx: i'll come with you

wn: that won't be necessary

wwx: you don't want me to tag along?

aw, my sunshine boy looks kinda hurt 😔

but wn assures him that that's not the case. it's just that wwx has already done more than enough for them and it's time for wen ning to go out on his own

wwx gets all teary-eyed again and pats him on the shoulder, and agrees that that's for the best

lsz and wn split off, and wwx waves his demon flute cheerfully at them, lwj at his side

wwx turns to lwj with a smile

wwx: lan zhan, lets go! 

he says happily, with confidence, then he taps chenqing on his head a couple of times

wwx: where should we go?

he grins, pulling lil apple along with him, so cheerfully!

wwx: let's get going, lil apple!

but lwj isn't turning with him

he's still in that spot, his back towards wwx who already was forging onto his next adventure

AND MY HEART IS BREAKING

BC WHY HASN'T HE TURNED TO FOLLOW WWX???

wwx slows to a stop as he notices the absence of white robes at his side AND ~THEIR SONG~ STARTS PLAYING AGAIN

he turns back slowly to look back at lwj, confused

there is too much distance between them!!

TOO MUCH!

multiple yards of distance where there should be NONE!

THERE SHOULD BE NONE DISTANCE!!!!!!

WHY ISN'T THERE NONE DISTANCE??!?!

lwj is still facing away from wwx, he's still rooted to the spot and his face has gone blank

wwx: lan zhan, you...aren't you coming with me?

HE SOUNDS SO CONFUSED, SO TIMID

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING

and there's a too long pause during which wwx's eyes are desperately pinned to lwj's back

finally, FINALLY, lwj turns ever so slowly to face wwx

wwx is staring at him and lwj can only meet his eyes briefly before they slowly turn downwards

wwx gets this tiny hurt smile on his face and nods as his eyes well with tears again but this time THEY ARE NOT HAPPY TEARS

these are "i knew this was too good to be true" tears

these are "of course i can't keep good, pure lan zhan at my side" tears

these are "this is exactly what i deserve" tears

lwj looks up again, and wwx gives him a nod and a smile bc he doesn't want lwj to feel guilty for leaving him

LEAVING HIM

HE'S LEAVING HIM AGAIN 

WHY 

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

the camera pulls out, really emphasizing the distance and the sudden quiet that falls between them is severely lacking any words of explanation

AND I'M SCREAMING INTERNALLY BC WTF WHY

we cut to a truly impressive shot of the cloud recesses, followed by a cut to a waterfall 

I’m pretty sure it's the same waterfall from when they were kids and had that sword fight

and we hear the opening notes of ~Their Song~ played on the flute 

wwx walks into view on the shore of the pond the waterfall goes into, with his flute at his lips

in the background we see that lwj is at the opposite shore closer to the waterfall, sitting cross-legged with his guqin in his lap

AND THEN THEY GIVE US VOCALS

bc watching them play ~THEIR SONG~ TOGETHER BUT AT A DISTANCE WASN'T PAINFUL ENOUGH

and jfc the shots of the waterfalls in this area are freaking gorgeous

now we see them standing together on the same boulder over a smaller waterfall 

bc our boys have an aesthetic 

that aesthetic is moonlight and waterfalls, and they're sticking to it

wwx: lan zhan, tbh, it surprised me that you would take over the role of his excellency

lwj: we made a vow here

and we get a flashback to the lantern scene and hear those vows they made as kids

Back in the present, wwx smiles, and knocks back the jar of wine that he has with him bc the mystery has been solved BUT HIS ALCOHOLISM HASN'T!

and i'm sitting here SCREAMING INTERNALLY, FUCK THOSE VOWS. 

YOU'VE GOT NEW, BETTER VOWS, WHICH ARE NEVER EVER LEAVE EACH OTHER'S SIDES EVER AGAIN, DAMN IT

wwx turns to face lwj

wwx: lan zhan, you truly deserve your title, hanguang jun

and lwj turns to look back at him

lwj: and you too, wei ying

we are BLESSED with wwx's wide, squinty-eyed smile

and lwj graces us with his soft, small, secret smile

they stare at each other for a moment before turning back to gaze off into the distance

the camera pulls back to gift us with the gorgeous scenery that surrounds them

now we cut to them walking down the steps towards that big rock full of ridiculous gusulan rules

nhs is there! with his fan!

nhs: this is unexpected. cloud recesses has added another thousand rules.

wwx: nhs, no matter how many rules are added, there is one that matters most. do you know what it is?

nhs looks so at ease here

this entire time since we got back to the present to watch wwx solve this mystery, nhs was nervous, twitchy and flaky in every scene

but here, he stands straight and serene with a confidence we have not yet seen on him til now

nhs: i have no clue

he says this and it doesn't sound anything like his usual anxious, dopey, "idk idk i really don't know"

nhs: please advise, wwx.

and wwx strides up until he's right next to nhs, shoulder to shoulder, tho they're facing opposite directions

wwx: that would be...

he leans down, and lowers his voice

wwx: "thou shall not befriend the devil"

there has been a distinct lack of background noise or music since this scene started

but the minute those words leave wwx's mouth, we get ominous music. 

nhs keeps his harmless act as he meets wwx's eyes and they share a laugh 

(a laugh of acknowledgement, of recognition of each other's skills)

nhs: wwx, you have the nerve 

wwx: no i wouldn't dare. i'm no match for you.

the words they're exchanging SOUND carefree and easy on the surface, but they definitely carry some underlying tension

nhs notices lwj watching them and bows respectfully

nhs: your excellency

he turns to leave, fan open against his chest

wwx: clan leader nie, i have one question that i would love to get your opinion on.

nhs: go on

wwx: you have put in so much effort and energy, don't you want to be the Excellency?

wwx is gauging nhs's threat level to lwj

bc with the skills nhs has developed and the cover he has, it really wouldn't be all that difficult for him to depose lwj if he wanted, you know?

but nhs has never been the ambitious sort

he was perfectly content with his art, and his fans, and his porn, and being second young master, nothing more (UNTIL FUCKING JGY RUINED IT ALL)

nhs: wwx, it was once said that we can never get tired of these scenes; earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea

nhs: as for me, i am a sensible man. if i have to, i always do it myself.

nhs: but for the things that aren't my business, i won't meddle in

and i'm not sure if there's something i'm missing, some layer of context or whatever, 

but what i get from this is that nhs is saying everything has its place and he has no desire to go outside of his own place in the world

if the situation calls for it, he will intervene but ONLY if there's no one else willing or able to step in

really, this is just his poetic way of saying, i have no interest in hurting hanguang jun or stealing his power

lwj walks up to join wwx as the two of them watch nhs leave

lwj: aren't you going to ask him?

wwx: ask him what?

wwx: who let mxy out? who released the blade spirit? who found sisi and bicao? and who wrote that anonymous letter?

and he gets this unconcerned expression on his face

with a little pout he just goes on to say that these questions don't matter anymore

and he walks off, twirling his flute

we cut to the next scene and our boys are standing face to face on a grassy hilltop. wwx points behind lwj

Brief aside to say, i love the robes lwj wears here, they’re very very pretty. White and pale blue, they look very airy and light

wwx: i will head that way

and lwj points with bichen behind wwx

lwj: i will head this way

AND THEN THEY JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BIT

BC THEY DON'T REALLY WANNA SAY GOODBYE, DO THEY?

lwj: have you decided where you are going to go?

wwx shakes his head and tilts his chin up

wwx: it's a big world that we live in. i will wander with my fine wine and a ride, and make it my home

*cries softly* but you have a home, LWJ is your home, why are you leaving

lwj lowers his gaze

probs bc he is thinking the same thing i was

let lwj be your home, wwx

wwx: lan zhan, i will get going

and lwj gives him one single, barely there nod of the head

bc he doesn't want wwx to go!!!

but he doesn't want to hold him back either...

wwx walks past him with a smile, dragging lil apple along with him and cheerfully he says:

"as long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand and stars are above you, we will meet again."

and lwj just watches him leave before steeling himself to turn and walk off to his wwx-less future 

but as he walks, he hears wwx playing their song on his flute so he pauses to turn back slightly

and we hear wwx’s voice over, "lan zhan, next time we see each other, you better have a name for this song."

as lwj continues walking, we hear his voice over, "way ahead of you."

and he seems slightly less sad at their parting.

AND NOW WE'RE GETTING THE FUCKING VOCALS AGAIN BC THE SHOW JUST LOVES TEARING OUR HEARTS OUT OF OUR CHEST

we get a gorgeous shot of a green cliff side and of course the cliffside has a couple of pretty waterfalls

wwx standing alone, playing on his flute, and the camera is lovingly caressing all of wwx's best features

we get a beautiful close up of wwx's lips resting over the mouthpiece of his flute, aND I THANK EVERY DEITY IN EXISTENCE FOR IT

and it's not immediately apparent bc wwx always wears dark form fitting robes

but the robes he's wearing in this scene are DEFINITELY DIFFERENT from the ones he was wearing when he and lwj parted ways

MEANING SOME TIME HAS PASSED

we have no way of knowing how much time

COULD BE AN HOUR! COULD BE A DAY! COULD BE A COUPLE OF YEARS!!

WE JUST DON'T KNOW

but time has passed

wwx is playing ~Their Song~ alone on that hill, the vocals are like honey to the ears and they crescendo to give us an overwhelming swell of emotion

the music peeters off until it's just wwx's flute reaching the last notes of ~Their Song~

as he is finishing we hear lwj's voice

"Wei Ying."

wwx freezes, like he's wondering if he imagined that voice

the music is completely gone, everything is utterly silent and wwx's face is completely open as he lowers his flute

a smile starts to curl at his mouth, small and tentative and as he turns around, ~Their Song~ crescendos into existence again

and wwx's smile grows incredulous and relieved and SO FULL OF LOVE AND JOY

I DIE, I DIE!

MY BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE BOY

and we fade to black

bc that's where it ends

That's it

THAT'S ALL THERE IS, WE MADE IT TO THE END!

IT'S OVER, THERE'S NO MORE. MY LIFE NO LONGER HAS MEANING. OMG I JUST BURST INTO TEARS. WHY IS THIS AFFECTING ME SO MUCH

I KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I'VE SEEN THIS THREE OTHER TIMES ALREADY!! OH GOD OH GOD, I MISS WWX'S FACE ALREADY. GIVE ME BACK MY SUNSHINE BOY, LET ME KEEP HIM FOREVER *SOBS*

Hang on, hang on, just give me a minute. *deep breath* Okay, i’m good, i’m good now. 

This show is just...it’s so beautiful in every way except CGI lol and it evokes so many visceral feelings. It’s passionate, is what it is. And not in the sexual way “passionate” has been forced to become. This show is passionate the way passion is supposed to mean: piercing anguish, burning anger, utter devotion...just overwhelming feeling

But most importantly, the passion in this show is intense love:

Platonic love; see how much our main cast gave up to aid their friends and dependents

Familial love; look at the lengths those brothers and sisters went for each other

Romantic love; watch how these two soulmates returned to each other again and again regardless of all the obstacles between them

I honestly can’t think of another show that’s done this so well. I am just so grateful to have been able to watch this show, to have gotten to know these characters even tho it’s raised my standards for future shows to ridiculously high levels

So that’s it! We’ve reached the end of the guide! Now we can go back and re-visit our favorite scenes whenever we want!

Return to Masterpost

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[softgrungeprophet]

more thoughts on flash and agent venom and propaganda, a topic which i am always thinking about but which is particularly relevant now in thinking about how comic fans and writers seem to contradict themselves in every way, how they just don’t GET it

flash thompson went from “tolerating” the army in the 70s, to outright uneasy about his service in the mid aughts, and even downright unproud, wallowing with his medal on the FLOOR, uncomfortable with being congratulated, all that showing he clearly was not proud of being military despite what every writer wants to say about “heroism”...... to being all ra-ra patriotism god and country backtracking his acceptance of a disability in order to peddle the Cool Military Venom shit and that’s what i am talking about when i talk about the propaganda of (particularly early) agent venom-- the advertisement-esque plasterings of ARMY logos, characterization sacrificed specifically for a military agenda, the presentation of the “cool military operations, wow just like a secret spy” plots, etc.

it’s all propaganda, and blatantly so, even BEFORE that happens. that weird terrorist villain (in web of spider-man, i think it was?) is just, conceptually I hated that, and again the story presented this strange gross angle in terms of flash “working out his anger in a healthy way” (unspoken: by fighting an unjustified oil war) as if it were this great, reasonable thing and that is just

no.

also propaganda, even if it is presented by the villain in the piece it is clearly presented as positive in spite of that (weird approach)

flash as a character is fraught with a lot of weird contradictory shit, where he is both uncomfortable with his role as a(n ex-) soldier, and then is turned right around to be uncharacteristically proud of his service and suddenly more religious as well, a character whose father is viciously, violently abusive and fully capable of killing his family, but “was a good cop” who got his “redemption in death” and HOW hollow is that? how can I see both the on-page and implied-via-color violence and cruelty and yet also accept that somehow he is a “good cop” (which does not exist)

even the same writer does this kinds of things, remender wrote these kinds of contradictions, and it is clear how much they simply do not get it.

a different non-flash thompson related comic comes to mind.

captain america corps. that’s a fun miniseries. it came SO close to REALLY getting it. and then at the last minute it turns out the villain is the lady who wanted to start the femizons and is orchestrating everything behind the scenes so ALL the stuff that so closely parallels our current day--the police state, the racism inherent, the protestors and insurgents imprisoned for going against the MAGA-esque hyper-patriotic government (I would say it was heavy handed if it weren’t so startlingly like real life) 

allllll of this gets immediately undermined by the revelation that it was NOT whiteness at the core of this but in fact militant feminism--now, we can talk about how those two go hand-in-hand, and the woman in question is 100% white, but this story does not go there. it’s all a personal vendetta against Cap for foiling her femizon plans and her costume has a huge venus symbol on it and it was such a disappointing way to end on, tbh. It came SO close, so very close, it got right into the core of how things really are, down to racial profiling... but it fucked itself over in the end

other people are also talking about the ways superhero comics have failed to accurately grapple with and reflect the things they’re writing about and how they obviously deify government agencies and the police (recommended reading: https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/protest-backlash-failings-a-superhero-culture-1297024?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social ) and how militarized the movies are, etc. etc.

It’s true, from older comics onward, increasing to the point of like, SHIELD being corrupt... but it’s because of those outside forces obviously. Nothing to do with the power-serving people already there. It’s just those HYDRA infiltrators. Those “outsiders” (cold war as fuck)

EVEN when it was not that, before the supposed infiltration, even in comics like the She-Hulk graphic novel (which has its own serious issues in terms of misogyny and race) which presents SHIELD as unquestionably the bad guys--well it’s not ALL of them. It’s this leader, this group, Fury’s still good, there’s the good guys, blah blah blah so even that falls short. There are moments, there are always moments--She-Hulk and Wyatt standing up to an antisemitic cop for example--but even from the early, early days (take this from someone who has recently read the first 8 issues of Amazing Spider-Man from 1963-4 ish) there are still these little notions that, well, even though the cops want to arrest Spider-Man, most of them don’t really believe he’s all that bad. They’re mild bystanders at worst until some other person agitates them into attacking Spidey, and they’re still defenders of the people in those comics (as true as that most certainly was NOT in the early 1960s)

This post is a mess, and other people are definitely saying it better than me lmao but there’s a lot of contradictions in superhero comics particularly when the police or military or govt agencies are involved, where even when they’re bad they’re still “good” and blah blahhh blahhh

honestly one of my biggest criticisms of robbie thompson’s Silk run is the SHIELD stuff and mockingbird. that’s a series that gets into some good stuff. in which felicia, the criminal leader, is working for and with the people (homeless youth, etc) but it still is very weak in the tooth and shield is pretty much just there to be the cool government group for the most part despite arresting cindy at one point--i guess because bobbi was heading her team, and they can’t very well have mockingbird be the bad guy but man. didn’t bobbi used to be a CRIMINAL?

anyway

idk what i’m even saying

this got into a few things XD

the problem with straight white men who are unaffected by the same things as a lot of their readers, writing, editing, and drawing the majority of a company’s works becomes pretty clear when you get into just how waffle-y so much of the results are. characters who spent their youth or adolescence hunted by the authorities get older and they get put into those same groups that didn’t trust them, like every time a white punk singer grows up and decides “the machine is good actually”

that sucks huh

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E20 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 287 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 279 Responses

This episode was another hit with most viewers, with 74.6% of participants ranking it 5 out of 5.

Just brilliant. Best series.

This was the first episode I’d been excited for in weeks. With the serum bowl I was dreading the last three episodes but the Marley Arc is my fave and I’m super super excited for what comes next in the anime.

The music was incredible and Grisha's VA stole the show.

The best of this season yet!

This season has now given us 2 (two) episodes WITHOUT openings and both times the episodes blew me away. I’m so stoked for the fourth season

I'd say it was a pretty solid episode. I can't believe we've finally made it to Marley, I am so not ready for the nonstop angst that is to come…

Anime quality was ass again, but the plot and voice acting make this a fantastic episode overall

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES WAS THE MOST MEMORABLE? 282 Responses

There were several informative and memorable scenes. 45.7% of participants thought Kruger’s big reveal was the highlight, while 12.1% can’t decide what stuck out the most. 9.9% of participants felt Dina becoming the Smiling Titan made the biggest impression.

DO YOU THINK GRISHA’S FATHER WAS RIGHT IN EASILY DEMEANING HIMSELF AND GRISHA TO GROSS? 270 Responses

Though Grisha’s father yielded to the Marleyan police regarding Faye’s death, 77.4% of participants believed he was right to prevent the rest of his family meeting a similar fate. 15.6% thought he should have shown a bit of resistance towards Gross’s accusations. Many in the comments agree the situation is simply not that black and white.

It's not whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' in these situations - if your options are the death of your family or satisfying your own feelings of dignity, then I think it's up to the individual what their priority is. But I think it is not a sign of weakness to put your family first.

He probably hated himself for doing it (at least I'd do), but losing another loved one would be horrible for anyone in his situation, so I can understand why he did that.

I can't really answer with clear 'yes' or 'no'. On one side, He was right to protect the rest of his family, on the other... He could try to comfort Grisha in a better way (you know, not yelling at him to be silent)

No, but I think he could’ve dealt with Grisha more privately. He didn’t have to continue with his indoctrination of Grisha.

I think it's complicated

no one is right or wrong here.

SERGEANT MAJOR GROSS STATED THAT “PEOPLE LOSE TOUCH WITH LIFE AND DEATH AND START TAKING THEIR LIVES FOR GRANTED." DO YOU THINK THERE IS TRUTH TO WHAT HE SAYS? 283 Responses

Gross told Grisha that people took their lives for granted when losing touch with life and death. 60.4% of participants think there is truth to his words even if his actions are morbid. 27.2% believe he just said this to excuse his cruelty.

Idk but him staring into my soul made me unconfortable

That is true, but it doesn't actually justify or support his position. We're SUPPOSED to all have the luxury and privilege of 'taking life for granted', as he puts it - that's why humanity has worked so fucking long to improve society to this point! We shouldn't have to think in life-or-death terms to consider ourselves worthy of living.

There is truth, but it's obvious that it's more words for him justifying his horrible actions more than a maxime which guides his life. If it were so, he wouldn't have been scared and screaming when the titan eat him.

Yes, but he's just making excuses for his sadistic mind.

DO YOU THINK HUMANS IN GENERAL BECOME INTERESTED IN VIOLENCE? 284 Responses

The episode observes humans and their reaction to violence, Gross saying he finds it interesting. 49.6% of participants believe that most people are interested in violence, while 40.1% specify that it depends on how violent the event is.

The most interesting part of the episode is Gross addressing the viewer over making his victim dance. Part of SnK is watching some victim being devored by the lions. Be it Faye to the dogs, Mike to the titans, Eren's squad to the titans in Trost, Carla to Dina, Marco to Araki Titan, Bert to Armin... the reactions however differ. Some of us came to see characters fighting and get eaten by giant monsters, but as the story progressed, our point of view differed and it became disgust for the most part.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT GROSS'S DEATH? 281 Responses

Gross’s death was a gruesome one, but 53.4% participants were satisfied he got what they feel he deserved. 17.1% were less comfortable by the irony of the situation, and 13.2% found his struggle enjoyable.

Watching reaction videos where people cheer on Gross getting his face chopped on kinda unsettled me, I'm not gonna lie.

IS FAYE’S DEATH THE CRUELEST MOMENT IN THE SERIES? 282 Responses

Being torn apart by dogs is a disturbing way to go and 46.8% of participants felt it was the cruelest moment of the series thus far. 45.4%, however, believed there were crueler moments worthy of mention.

I didn't think Faye's death was the cruelest because let's face it, Mike's was the absolute worst. :(

GIVEN HOW HE TREATED ZEKE, DO YOU THINK GRISHA IMPROVED AS A FATHER WHEN IT CAME TO EREN? 280 Responses

Though Grisha didn’t show a lot of compassion for Zeke as a son, 55.4% of participants believed he learned to be a better father for Eren as a result. 24.3% would rather have more information before saying for sure, and 20.4% of participants felt Grisha didn’t quite change his ways. 

GRISHA STATED THAT YMIR “BROUGHT BOUNDLESS PROSPERITY” TO THE WORLD. WHEN GRICE QUESTIONED THAT, GRISHA RETORTED WITH THE FACT THAT HE “BELIEVED IN YMIR”. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED? 282 Responses

There was a mix of histories regarding Ymir Fritz. 50% of participants believed Ymir may have brought prosperity but that Grisha was also jumping to conclusions without context. 40.4% of participants thought Grisha was just seeing what he wanted to see.

Grisha’s va knocked it out of the park this week. The episode made me re-think whether grisha actually could read any of the sacred texts. Was he just BSing the whole way through? Will we ever know what they say in that case?

BEST ROGUE TITAN DESIGN? 282 Responses

Out of the three Rogue titan designs, a majority 62.8% of participants thought Eren’s was the most physically appealing.

Best Rogue Titan design? That's not even a question. ITS ALWAYS ERENS. LOL

HOW FAITHFUL WAS THE ADAPTATION TO THE ORIGINAL MANGA? 276 Responses

A majority of manga readers believed the episode was mostly faithful to the original chapters, with 54.3% believing it was nearly perfect. Others felt the episode could have been more accurate.

Great, pacing was a little quick but I think the anime adaptation explained everything a bit better than the anime. I had to go back and read those chapters like 3 times to fully understand everything lol. I do wish they didn't cut lines from the warrior selection announcement though. Overall great though!

Great adaptation. They should've cut the ending too, so they wouldn't need to cut some parts, but it was as close to perfection either way.

I'm sad that they omitted so much when Marley announces the Marley warrior program. Besides that I think it was an amazing episode.

Was thoroughly impressed with how they managed to adapt two of the most dense chapters into a single ep without any significant cuts. The artwork for the Eldia/Marley lore was gorgeous, and the performances were as expected, phenomenal. Kruger's transformation was breathtaking, as was the OST. Definitely one of the best episodes of the season. Also, Marina Inoue saying "Shingeki no Kyojin" in the preview gave me chills.

KRUGER'S HAIR: BLOND OR BLACK? 282 Responses

Kruger’s hair was colored dirty blond in the anime compared to the darker shade in the manga. 47.5% of participants felt that either color choice worked well for him, while 39.4% preferred his black hair.

kruger is a dirty blonde colour imo ;p

I’m just over the moon to finally see The Owl aka Kruger animated with a voice.

The color scheme in this series has always been weird. Not that Isayama himself is limited palette-wise, but the colors have been much sober than WIT's multicolor fest. Kruger's hair are meant to be black or dark brown. Isayama draws blonde/hazelnut hair with full lines. Same goes with the uniform: Isayama uses frames for dark colors (the SC's green coat ie), ink for black and dark blue. Anime already made odd choices with Mikasa's scarf (black in the manga) or Armin's eyes (brown).

Always thought Kruger was brunette

After last week's preview I thought Kruger with blond hair was weird but having watched this week's episode I think it fits better with the blue uniform and the show's colour palette. Besides, he still looks hot so all is fine lol

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE APPEARANCE OF MARLEY? 282 Responses

A majority 60.3% of participants believe Marley’s appearance was just as modern as they expected it. 29.4% of participants thought it appeared more lavished.

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE CENSORSHIP FOR SOME OF THE GRAPHIC SCENES? 283 Responses

Some of the more graphic scenes were censored in the anime, but 53% of participants aren’t bothered by it. 35.7% of participants were disappointed that some parts weren’t shown as a result and 11.3% felt it was appropriate to censor the more graphic scenes.

I don't mind Grisha's penis as well as the gory parts being censored (it's NHK after all), but the censorship comes across as convenient for the series. They omitted some marleyans officers saying Gross was going too far, or masked the details of the warrior program: no full confirmation of RBA being trained into infancy to be promoted at the status of Honorary Marleyans. Conbine that with the RBZ+Pieck scenes from this season being watered down and you have the anime making it even more black and white than the manga.

ISAYAMA ASKED THE ANIME TO HIGHLIGHT GROSS’ SPEECH TO BREAK THE 4TH WALL AS A “CALL OUT” TO THE VIEWER.  WAS THIS DIRECTION SUCCESSFUL? 277 Responses

Gross’s 4th wall break was a request made by Isayama to address the viewer as he spoke. 65.3% of participants felt the direction made them feel more called out than when they originally read it. 24.9% can’t relate to what Gross is saying in the first place.

His eyes that never left the spectator's gaze froze my blood, it was really very successfully made.

I get what Isayama was trying to do but there's a huge difference between being sadistic knowing that it's fictional and being sadistic in real life

Honestly I didn't even know that he broke the 4th wall until I took this poll.

I didn't feel like what he was saying pertained to me because I've always been repulsed by his mentality and justifications.I think it says more about Isayama that he felt this was something that needed to be broadcast to society.

The speech wasn't as well done in the anime. I think he broke the 4th wall in the manga pretty well.

The Gross 4th wall break didn't really deliver in the end. Wish it was more obvious (eye contact, zoom in, voice acting)

It would have been a lot more successful if he'd written the call out to come from someone less sadistic and despicable. It's hard to reflect like that on words that came from a character that had a nine year old child eaten alive by dogs.

considering i had no idea it was meant to be a callout, i'd say it failed

WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN WITH YMIR’S BACKSTORY FLASHBACK NEXT EPISODE? 280 Responses

Since Ymir’s backstory was moved to Season 2, 39.3% believe that Historia reading the letter will show Ymir’s death instead of the entire flashback. 35.7% of participants think the scene will just show a cut down version of the backstory with Ymir’s narration in the background. 21.1% believe that the backstory will be shown again with some tweak to the narration.

Fuck man I dunno, maybe they'll play some interval music and Ymir will tapdance

I feel like the one disappointing thing about this part in the manga is that Ymir died offscreen. This would be a good change and I wouldn’t mind a teaser of Galliard also.

The backstory shown in season 2 wasnt the letter 1/1 right? Then just have the letter read out and have slightly altered images of her story

I got no idea which way they'll go, but WIT will do her story justice, no doubt about that

They will recycle s2's animation and that's it. If they show Ymir's fate, kudos to them, considering they've been pretty lazy with additional content so far.

THE ANIME ADAPTED EREN'S LINE AFTER WAKING UP AS "WHO AM I?" WAS THIS A MORE APPROPRIATE PHRASE THAN THE TRANSLATIONS ABOUT EREN USING DIFFERENT JAPANESE PRONOUNS OR HAVING A DIFFERENT VOICE? 280 Responses

In the manga, Armin comments on Eren’s change of pronouns when he first wakes up, but the anime changed this line to “Who am I?” 38.6% of participants thought this change made more sense in context. 30.7% of participants didn’t realize there was a change, and 21.4% thought the manga made enough sense for it not to warrant a change.

I feel like this episode is where we lost Eren as he once was. The change wasn't immediate, but this is the impetus. All that information, all those memories. The boy has started to become a man.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 284 Responses

Of the scenes that were shown, a majority of 52.1% of participants are most looking forward to more conversation between Kruger and Grisha.

Historia is lookin fine in the preview

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Just a nitpick but I wish Kruger’s attack titan was animated more in destroying the boat since it felt more like a colored panel; I’m still happy how it turned it though! Maybe there might be additional animation next episode but I can only hope :’D

This episode was beautifully done. The voice acting really knocked it out of the park, especially Grisha's. His screams, holy shit. I got chills. Kruger's voice was also brilliant, just that perfect blend of nonchalant and forbidding. What I found interesting was the VA for young Grisha sounded so much like Kaji Yuuki! I saw in the credits that it wasn't actually him, but what an excellent casting choice!

Needs more Floch

KRUGER!!!!

This S3P2 has to have the weirdest pacing I've ever seen: the 2ch1ep formula doesn't work at all for backstories like Grisha's, considering the whole worldbuilding is unleashed. That being said, the preview from last episode's accustomed the anime-onlys to the outside world, but combining chapter 86 and 87 leaves no time to breathe properly.

Thinking back on it, wasn’t this Grisha’s first time seeing Titans in the flesh, and eating a person right in front of him?

I had hoped Kruger's hat toss would be more dramatic, but alas, t'wasn't. Other than that, went pretty good

They pronounce 'Zeke' completely different from how I imagined it would sound.

Perfect, especially the final scene. I knew what was coming, but seeing the restorationists become the Trost Titans, the Dina reveal, and Owl transformation was something else. That sequence is on par with Reiner/Bertholdt reveal and Erwin’s charge as best scenes in the series. At least for the anime so far.

I thought this episode was kind of disappointing. Maybe it's just because I really dislike the tone shift that came with the Marley stuff, but I thought the manga handled all this exposition kind of awkwardly and was hoping for better from the anime. Nope, the only thing improving it is that it won't be drawn out for months between chapters this time.

Bby Zook my boi, must protecc at all costs, so innocent, so pure

In one episode all this information WAS WAY TOO MUCH! poor anime-only fans lmao

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 265 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! We’ll see you again in a few days!

[bigbluebarns-blog]

ABLEISM REDUX

Well… There are so many different dimensions of disability that people can be ableist toward those with different disabilities than their own. …And it’s only in the last couple of generations (within my lifetime, at least) that Disability Rights groups have banded together in a common cause (Rather than, say: Rights groups for the blind working only for the blind, Rights groups for Cerebral Palsy working only for Cerebral Palsy, etc.).  Matter of fact, based on my own recollections, I think working together for universal access rights only really got any steam in the 1970s – when I was already a teenager.

Confession time: until relatively recently (like, the last 10 years, or so), as a physically disabled person, I was biased against those with intellectual disabilities, and would get quite insulted if anyone mistakenly thought I was “R

—–ed.”

@theborkplanet IDK HOW TO SEPARATE MY COMMENTS FROM YOURS AND COMMENTS FROM YOURS. HENCE THE CAPS. 

I WAS ALSO BIASED AND PROBABLY STILL AM SOMEWHAT, TOWARD PPL WITH INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES(ID). I TOO USED THE R WORD. GROWING UP MY EXP WITH PPL W/ ID WERE NEGATIVE OR GROSS, AND NO ONE EVER BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN SOMEONE’S ID TO ME, SO ALL I KNEW WAS NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS EG JO GRABS STUFF AND SCREAMS; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED HER AUTISM. MOE HAS DOWNS SYNDROME, IS OBSESSED WITH SAYING “BOOBIES” LOVES THE EFFING BEACH BOYS AND FARTS A LOT AND NEVER SHUTS UP; HOW ANNOYING; NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT PERSEVERATING, OR THAT DS CAN CAUSE GI PROBS SOMETIMES. AL MUTTERS, HE STINKS, AND HE KNOCKED OUT HIS AIDE SO I’M AFRAID THAT AL WILL GET ANGRY WITH ME AND KNOCK ME OUT; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINS HIS CONDITION, SO I GLEAN MY INFO FROM EAVESDROPPING and RUMORS. THE ABLE-BODIED ADULTS DIDN’T BOTHER TO PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING EVEN THO WE WERE ALL TRAPPED ON THE SAME SPECIAL ED BUS, SO THE PASSENGERS WITHOUT ID TALK SMACK ABOUT THE ONES WITH ID. THE ONE TIME I ASK, “WHAT’S AL HAVE?” ABLEBODIED ADULT SHAMES ME FOR ASKING AND BLATHERS ABOUT CONFIDENTIALITY. NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY MY PREJUDICE; JUST RELATING EXP. I’M ALSO WORKING THRU IT BUT U R RIGHT; NEVER 100% DONE. 

I’m working through it, and like to think I’m getting better (and one huge part of that is learning just how deep and intertwined institutionalized ableism really is, in our societies). But as with being a White woman dealing with racism, I have to remember that it’s a case of continuing recovery, and not something I will ever be 100% over and done with.

Thanks for sharing, @aegipan-omnicorn. You’re lovely.

@bigbluebarns, I don’t personally know anything about suffering racism, being a white american myself. However, I do know a thing or two about suffering ableism, both at the hands of able-bodied people, and disabled people.

People are incredibly social animals and will band together in groups with other similar people. This is natural, and it is good. It can be healing and cathartic to hang out with people who “get it.” But this tendency can also have an extremely dark side, as we see with “isms.” This is going to get long, so I’m going to break it here in consideration of people’s dashboards. Again, I can only speak to ableism and sexism so please keep that in mind.

OMG, I LOVE THESE NAMES AND TRADEMARKS. DID U INVENT THEM?

Ableisms I have suffered at the hands of disabled people:

The Cripple Police™: These are the people who, in an overzealous bid for limited access available, arbitrarily decide who is disabled enough to use a mobility aid, bathroom stall, parking spot, and even sometimes the label of “disabled.” If you are not Crippled Enough, you can be subject to any form of social punishment they deem to be necessary.

I HATE THE CP AND I’M CONSTANTLY REMINDING PPL THAT U DO NOT HAVE TO APPEAR DISABLED IN ORDER TO USE HANDICAP PARKING. IT’S LIKE THEY WANT U TO WEAR A TAG STATING U R DISABLED SO THEN THEY CAN ASSESS IF U MEET THEIR RANDOM CRITERIA.

Example: I used to be able to walk longer distances with a service dog, but was still a high fall risk. My doctor (a licensed neurologist) prescribed me a parking placard so that none of us had to worry (as much) about me passing out in a parking lot where no one could see me, and getting run over. A lovely woman in a wheelchair, who just happened to park in the accessible spot next to me, proceeded to scream at me and my service dog all the way into the store. A manager rescued me by going along with my ruse of knowing him, and invited me into the back were I fucking hid away until they told me she had left the store. It. Was. Scary.

EGAD SOUNDS HORRIBLE. BUT YEAH THERE IS A DISABILITY HIERARCHY

The Born This Ways™ : The experience between people who were born disabled, and who acquired disability later in life, vary a great deal from one another. BTW ableist types actively minimize the experiences of other disabled people, simply because they hadn’t been baptized since birth by xyz. In other words, the suffering was not identical to their own, thus must be invalid.

Example: I became disabled after adulthood, and tried to find solace after being subjected to ableist responses from friends and family members who were unable to cope with the “broken me.” I found lots of great disabled people who helped me, but I also found people who routinely scoffed at my experiences, again informing me that I was not “disabled enough,” and suggested I was being deliberately weak, or histrionic. Sometimes it was almost eerily word for word what my ableist friends/family said. How strange…

I’VE SEEN THE ACQUIRED DISABILITY IS BETTER. TM ADIBS MIGHT IMPLY, “WELL I’M A QUAD, BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO EXP BEING ABLEBODIED; I’LL HAVE EXP U SADSACK LOSER BTWS WILL NEVER HAVE. I GOT TO BE NORMAL FOR A WHILE” MOST OFTEN I SAW IT COME FROM PARALYZED PPL WHO WISHED THEY COULD WALK AGAIN. I WAS BORN WITH CP AND AB PPL ACTUALLY ASKED ME “WOULD U RATHER BE BTW OR AD?” BEFORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I SAID “BTW, CUZ THATS ALL I KNOW AND I’VE HAD IT FROM DAY1 FALSE EQUIVALENCY WHEREAS ADIBS HAVE TO ADJUST” NOW THO I KNOW THAT EVEN I AS BTW HAVE HAD TO ADJUST TO CHANGING SYMPTOMS. DO U WANT 2 BE A TREE OR A MOUSE...UHHH...FALSE EQUIVALENCY ALERT, CAN’T COMPAPARE APPLE N ORANGE.

The Faker Police™: I think anyone with an invisible illness has experience with this one. This is when people who “look disabled” refuse to believe someone who “does not look disabled,” and proceed to treat them as hysterical attention seekers instead of…well, anyone else. These people often practice double ableisms–I have noticed that many also tend to judge Disabled Enough based on mobility aids. Then, they try to chase the “fakers” out of the community, because everyone knows “fakers” are why we have additional burdens added (like further hurdles to access, government aid, etc).

ALSO IF U HAVE AN INVISIBLE DISABILITY LIKE YOURS AND ME ALSO, I SEE THE “WELL EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSED/SAD/TIRED.” I END UP FEELING LIKE I HAVE JUSTIFY THE DISABLING NATURE OF MY DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TO A WEG. 

Example: Before my condition had progressed to me needing a mobility aid, I was already facing discrimination in the workplace. I requested an accommodation to have the crappy fluorescent lights removed from above my desk, as they provoke bad neurological symptoms. You’d think it was a little thing, but when I asked for advice on dealing with skeptical and belligerent management, I met the same reactions in some disabled people, followed immediately by “Fakers like you are why we see knee-jerk reactions like the word ‘no!’ Come complain when you’re actually disabled and need to have a ramp installed! Until then suck it up!”

The Totally Qualified Disability Judges™: This one seems to arise from the natural tendency of people to compare their situations to the situations of others. If they arbitrarily judge another person’s situation to be better or more favorable, then that person is not As Disabled, or Disabled Enough, or Disabled At All. Then, based on that judgment, they try to socially punish the condemned, or to excommunicate them.

Example: Some conditions are really straightforward and don’t vary widely. People with the condition all seem to have similar limitations. My condition is the exact opposite of that. I have the chronic form of migraine disease. Lots of people get migraines, but not all of them have more than 15 a month, and migraines can last anywhere from a few hours to three days. To some people, pain is the most disabling feature of a migraine, to others, the accompanying neurological weirdness is. (Migraines are often proceeded by cortical spreading depression, a phenomenon also exhibited in epilepsy. Just for an example).

So, when people hear what my condition is, they remember that one lady they used to know who had to lay in the dark for a couple days each month, and wonder why the hell I’m in a wheelchair. It doesn’t make sense to them (who cares that migraines don’t make sense to the most brilliant neurologists in the world), so they decide that I just must not be disabled. Or, if I am, it’s hypochondria. 

 I’VE SEEN: YEAH HAVE U TRIED XYZ CURE? IT REALLY HELPED THAT 1 LADY. IF U DON’T TRY XYZ WELL THEN UR LAZY N ALSO PROBABLY FAKING THE EXTENT OF UR DISABILITY?

Fun fact: Internalizing ableism from medical doctors, and from some close friends and family, and THEN the disabled people I came into contact with later, and from whom I seeked guidance, prompted so much self doubt that I had a licensed psychologist work me up for hypochondria and other related psychological conditions. It…turns out that I am not a hypochondriac. I could not find relief from all of these experiences until I encountered a neurologist familiar with my condition, and fellow disabled people who have been around the block, and who are not so embittered by their experiences that they deigned to expose others to the same.

For that reason, I will always be vocally critical of ableism within our community. I will not sugar coat it, nor will I flatter ableist disableds by giving them another name. That goes for my own ableism, too. Now that I have worked through a lot of my own, I can use my aids with confidence and obtain a freedom that is at least emotionally similar to the one I had when I first formed my adult identity (which was as an abled person).

AH YES, IN MY CASE, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM=ANXIETY N DEPRESSION. STILL NOT SURE IF DISABLED PPL CAN BE TECHNICALLY DISABLED BUT THAT’S JUST LINGUISTIC SEMANTICS.

CLEAERLY WE BOTH KNOW DISABLED PPL ARE CAPABLE OF ASSHOLERY.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO BOLD TEXT IN POSTS? #TUMBLR NOOB

For an example of sexism from women, see my post Never Underestimate Old Women, in which an old lady cashier schools us for self-righteous activism.

Thanks for the discussion!

[fae-fucker]

Shatter Me: Chapter 20-21

Chapter 20

Nothing happens in this chapter aside from Juliette whining about having to wear a dress and her and Warner Bros. having yet another conversation about how evil-but-not-evil Warner Bros. is.

Juliette: I HATE YOU I WILL NEVER RESPECT YOU

Warner Bros.: Nobody has ever loved you and I’m the only one willing to treat you with decency and respect.

Juliette: I HATE HOW RIGHT YOU ARE

That wasn’t a joke by the by. If you think “Surely Warner Bros. wouldn’t take a page right out of Emotional Manipulation 101, he’s supposed to be the good guy eventually!”, what are you even DOING on my blog?

Here’s what he says:

“The world is disgusted by you,” he says, his lips twitching with humor. “Everyone you’ve ever known has hated you. Run from you. Abandoned you. Your own parents gave up on you and volunteered your existence to be given up to the authorities. They were so desperate to get rid of you, to make you someone else’s problem, to convince themselves the abomination they raised was not, in fact, their child.”

[...]

“And yet—” He laughs openly now. “You insist on making me the bad guy.” He meets my eyes. “I am trying to help you. I’m giving you an opportunity no one would ever offer you. I’m willing to treat you as an equal. I’m willing to give you everything you could ever want, and above all else, I can put power in your hands. I can make them suffer for what they did to you.” He leans in just enough. “I can change your world.”

But it’s ok, because [insert your common excuse here]! Boyfriend goals! 

He’s wrong he’s so wrong he’s more wrong than an upside-down rainbow.

Does Tahereh Mafi know about the concept of tone? 

“I’ll just write this supposedly intense moment of confrontation and then make the reader conjure up bizarre and silly visuals! Makes perfect sense!”

“You might find yourself enjoying this situation a lot more than you anticipated. Lucky for you, I’m willing to be patient.” He grins. Leans back. “Though it certainly doesn’t hurt that you’re so alarmingly beautiful.”

Of course she fucking is. Bitch has been starving for 200+ days but she’s still bangable as ever! How convenient that all these YA heroines look fuckable even when they shouldn’t! But we can’t have a dirty uggo as a protagonist, can we now? Can’t have someone who shows signs of what’s been done to them physically, that’s just gross! All young girls need is more pressure on looking attractive despite feeling like shit for reasons outside of their control!

FEMINISM! 

We also find out that Warner Bros. is ... nineteen. 

Aight.

Chapter 21

A week passes and Warner doesn’t allow Juliette to speak to anybody but him. 

Boyfriend goals!!! I literally orgasmed when I read that, guys. He’s just so HOT. 

I CAN FIX HIM, MAMA. 

One day Juliette asks Warner to remove the cameras in her room so she can talk to Adam freely, and Warner says that she can’t be trusted to be on her own. 

*shaking violently, frothing at the mouth* BOYFRIEND GOALS!!!

Warner Bros. reminds Juliette of that time she accidentlaly murdered someone and she has an angsty flashback. 

It happened at a grocery store (idk how Juliette got there without supervision or who would bring her with them on a trip to the grocery store) and there was a shitty young mother there with her child on a literal leash. The boy falls over and Juliette drops her stuff so she can help but ends up murdering the kid instead.

How very angsty. Let’s not question any of this (because boy, do I have questions) and just move on, because I’m tired of this crappy book and I want it to be over. 

Juliette murdered a kid, sad sad cry cry angst angst, over it.

Juliette manages to get over it too, because she insists on having the cameras removed, which makes Warner Bros. really happy. He says some more of his typical manipulative shit about how she’s burning with hatred and power and how they’ll make a wonderful team. 

I mean ... he’s right, isn’t he? Isn’t that basically what happens in the end? 

So not only is this abuser not properly portrayed as one, he probably turns out to be right in the end. If not that, then Juliette will eventually learn to control her powers and accept them as tools for domination in one way or another, because that’s the power fantasy this book is peddling.

Who wouldn’t want an attractive, powerful person telling them how attractive and powerful you are and how amazing you’d be together? Juliette’s resistance at this point is just there to stretch out the conflict, it’s another thing that needs to be corrected before she and Warner Bros. can become the ultimate #relationship goals. 

Ugh, we get more of the same damn conversation that they’ve had every goddamn chapter (”I’m not a monster!” “Yes you are!”) 

He tightens his hold around my arms and I can’t squirm away from him. He leans in dangerously close to my face and I don’t know why but I can’t breathe. “I’m not afraid of you, my dear,” he says softly. “I’m absolutely enchanted.”

See how hot he is! Don’t you feel powerful, presumed straight teen girl reading this? A hot, dangerous man telling you how enchanted he is by you?

Fuck off.

“You’re absolutely delicious when you’re angry.” 

“Too bad my taste is poisonous for your palate.” I’m vibrating in disgust from head to toe. 

“That detail makes this game so much more appealing.”

Juliette is disgusted, but the reader is supposed to find this endearing and even appealing (”Look how kinky Warner Bros. is, teehee!”), since we know she falls for him eventually.

Warner Bros. says he’ll remove the cameras if she touches him. Juliette is all wah-wah, I can’t do that! 

But like ... why? You know if you hate him so much, touching him could mean killing him, and I know that you’re all sad about what a meanie meanie murderer you are and how that would make him right and you can’t have that, but you know what it could also make him? Dead. 

I’m so fucking tired of female YA characters klinging to their cheap and ultimately pointless morals instead of showing some stone-cold pragmatism. But that would make them heartless bitches, wouldn’t it? Women always have to be pure and good! 

If there was a man holding me hostage, torturing the one person I cared about, I wouldn’t care how much he wanked on about how evil I am, I’d murder him dead the moment he offered. (If I were in Juliette’s shoes, I mean.)

And in this case, she literally has nothing to lose. Either he dies, or he gets rid of the cameras. But nooooo. Juliette is not a murderer! She won’t let Warner Bros. be right! She hates this man so much that she’ll rather suffer to keep her moral high ground instead of fucking getting rid of him forever or at least hurt him a bit for shits and giggles.

Because women are pure and good, you see! They should suffer to be pure while the men get to do all the questionable stuff, because men can get their hands dirty and get shit done!

Juliette has a spine, I’ll give her that, but it grows in the wrong direction for the wrong reasons, and it makes her weak and stupid. 

Warner says that Juliette will have to torture people eventually.

“Inflicting pain, you see, is an incredibly efficient method of getting information out of anyone. And with you?” He glances at my hands. “Well, it’s cheap. Fast. Effective.”

*long, tired sigh*

Torture is the least effective method of getting information out of anyone. LITERALLY LESS EFFECTIVE THAN JUST NOT ASKING AT ALL. 

You know why? Because people lie to stop the pain. They will tell you what they think you want them to hear just to make you stop.

Here’s a great source of info on torture if y’all want to read about why it’s ineffective and here’s info about the effective ways of getting information out of someone (hint: pain ain’t it).

I’M HOPING YOU’LL BRING THIS UP, TAHEREH. I’M REALLY HOPING THAT THE NARRATIVE WILL PROVE WARNER BROS. WRONG, FOR YOUR SAKE. 

Torture is typical in fictional stories because it’s so shocking and dramatic, and because writing interesting dialogue and persuasion is hard. In real life, things aren’t that simple. 

“I”—I swallow—“I am not—I’m not—I’m—” 

“A murderer?” 

“NO—” 

“An instrument of torture?” 

“STOP—” 

“You’re lying to yourself.”

I’m ready to destroy him.

Except you’re evidently not, so I guess you are lying to yourself.

Warner Bros. does some more manipulative shit that’s actually pretty intriguing and would be kinda frightening except he’s supposed to be her future LOVE INTEREST, so this just all comes off as abusive and gaslight-y as fuck. 

He’s of course right about every one of his assumptions about her personality and the state of her mind. 

“You think I don’t have a heart? You think I don’t feel? You think that because I can inflict pain, that I should? You’re just like everyone else. You think I’m a monster just like everyone else. You don’t understand me at all—”

I want to praise Juliette for actually standing up for herself, but at the same time, I’m just so fucking tired of female characters constantly being treated like shit but always expected to take it, to accept it, to keep their hearts pure of hatred and resentment. 

I want more women to be angry, to be resentful, to be vengeful and furious and ready to unleash their wrath on the world. We have so many Juliettes already, in the real world. And yes, it takes strength to be kind despite everything that’s been done to you, but female characters are so rarely allowed to be angry. Women aren’t allowed to be angry. 

Now, I’m not saying I want Juliette to go full Rambo and start murdering people for shits and giggles. What I am saying is that I want her to be mad. I fully understand why she hates herself, but I’m tired of the fact that she seems to think that those people, who hated and mistreated her, are somehow innocents and she’s the monster. 

I want her reluctance to kill/torture people to just be ... normal. Of course she doesn’t want to kill people, that’s just basic human decency dammit. But here, it’s presented as if she cares about all her potential victims, as if she doesn’t want to hurt those good good people who deserve better than to be tortured by such a disgusting and unworthy creature like herself. 

She’s supposed to be this beacon of goodness, look how strong and loving she is towards the masses despite the shit they’ve done to her! She values them above herself!

“I value human life a lot more than you do, Warner.”

See?

That’s what pisses me off.

If I were writing Juliette, she’d be like “No, fuck off, I hate everyone but I won’t kill or torture people because I don’t wanna. It’s shitty and it’ll destroy me and the victim mentally and I just don’t want that, ya know? Deal with it. Bye.”

“There is a soldier living in my room.” I’m breathing hard. “If you want me to be here, you need to get rid of the cameras.” 

Warner’s eyes darken for just an instant. “Where is your soldier, anyway?”

“I wouldn’t know.” I hope to God I’m not blushing. “You assigned him to me.” 

“Yes.” He looks thoughtful. “I like watching you squirm. He makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t he?”

Boyfriend goals! 

Anyway, turns out that Warner Bros. assigned Adam to her because Adam volunteered, which I guess isn’t suspicious at all, Adam, you idiot.

Apparently, Adam remembers Juliette from when they were kids! Oh joy, more shit for Juliette to angst over. I don’t even know why this is so important to her. I don’t know why anything that’s important to her is important to her, to be fair.

Juliette concludes that this was all a trap, and Warner reinforces it by saying some shit about how Adam talked about wanting to see what happened to the “freak” she’s become.

Juliette of course believes this man she supposedly hates and who knows how to push her buttons, and gets pissed and asks Warner to take off his shirt.

Because obviously we need to remind people that Warner is a love interest, when he could’ve just taken off a glove or let her bitchslap him to death. 

Warner drops his clothes to the floor and looks at me almost intimately. I have to swallow back the revulsion bubbling in my mouth. His perfect face. His perfect body. His eyes as hard and beautiful as frozen gemstones. He repulses me.

Oh yeah. We can totally tell how much he repulses you. 

Ain’t that right, reader? Don’t you just hate how hot Warner is? 

Very, very manipulative, Tahereh. Very disgusting. 

Warner acts all sexy and Juliette is angsting that she’s “contemplating torture”. Except she’s not. He’s literally asking for it. At most she should be angsting about satisfying his kink.

Juliette flips her absolute shit again because she’s a huge, useless fucking wimp and Tahereh doesn’t know how to plot, somebody introduce Tahereh to plot, so she has to stall and move one step forward and two steps back before she lets anything fucking happen.

Adam is there to catch her in his strong arms at the end though, and Warner does remove the cameras and bugs, saying he’s expecting her to uphold the end of her bargain.

I hate this fucking book.

[qodforsakens]

QUESTIONNAIRE 4 SUFFERING

Q:     WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME   ? A:     Ashley.     Relatively  unoriginal,     but  my  mom  wanted  my  middle  name  to  be  Blue     (     in  which  case  i  would  have  DIED     ) Q:     HOW  OLD  ARE  YOU   ? A:     Feel  like  I’m  12  but  I’m  almost  20 Q:     WHEN  IS  YOUR  BIRTHDAY   ? A:     March  21st,     i’mmA  SPRING  BABY

Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  ZODIAC  SIGN   ? A:     Technically  an  Aries  but  ig  i’m  on  the  “   Pisces  Cusp   ”   ?   dk  what  that  means  but  my  mom  told  me  the  other  day  but  i  feel  as  if  i’ve  cheated  astrology  stuff  lols     ?

Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  FAVORITE  COLOR   ? A:     I  don’t  really  have  one,     but  I  like  the  color  pink  a  lot  so  maybe  pink

Q:     WHAT’S  YOUR  LUCKY  NUMBER   ? A:     Lucky  who     ?

Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  ANY  PETS   ? A:     Three   !   Bailey,     Dana  and  Melvin.

Q:     WHERE  ARE  YOU  FROM   ? A:     Everywhere   ?   Born  in  Missoula,     Montana   /   raised  in  Wisconsin  until  I  was  around  12   /   went  to  school  in  Montana  until  I  was  a  sophomore   /   went  for  a  semester  of  school  during  sophomore  year  in  Wild  Rose,     Wisconsin   /   moved  back  to  a  quaint  Deer  Lodge,     Montana  until  the  end  of  my  junior  year   /   moved  to  Hudson,     Wisconsin  my  senior  year  of  HS  and  lived  there  until  July  31st   /   living  in  the  Shithole  that  is  Mondovi,     Wisconsin.

Q:     HOW  TALL  ARE  YOU   ? A:     5′5 3/4″.     The  3/4″  is  important  to  note  because  I’m  NEARLY  5′6″  and  most  everyone  in  my  family  is  around  6′.     I’m  dead  inside

Q:     WHAT  SHOE  SIZE  ARE  YOU   ? A:     Technically  a  9.5  but  the  size  varies  by  brand.

Q:     HOW  MANY  PAIRS  OF  SHOES  DO  YOU  OWN   ? A:     Probably  nine,     but  I  hardly  wear  any  of  them  because  I  work  at  the  fucking  time

Q:     WHAT  WAS  YOUR  LAST  DREAM  ABOUT   ? A:     I  remember  that  I  had  ANOTHER  dream  with  u  in  it  but  I  didn’t  remember  enough  about  it  that  it  was  worth  sharing   ?   But  I  did  wake  up  feeling  like  all  of  my  problems  were  gone  so  it  was  a  positive  dream

Q:     WHAT  TALENTS  DO  YOU  HAVE   ? A:     I  can  learn  songs  from  musicals  in  no  time.

Q:     ARE  YOU  PSYCHIC  IN  ANY  WAY   ? A:     No,     next  question

Q:     FAVORITE  SONG   ? A:     My  favorite  song  is  either  You  and  I     (     Lady  Gaga,     Born  This  Way     )  or  The  Cure     (     also  Gaga,     current  single     )

Q:     FAVORITE  MOVIE   ? A:     RENT.     Hands  down  my  favorite  movie  of  all  time.     I  could  watch  it  on  a  loop  tbh

Q:     WHO  WOULD  BE  YOUR  IDEAL  PARTNER   ? A:     Someone  who  understood  that  I’m  really  fucking  depressive  all  the  time,     like,     grossly  depressive   ?   I  can  joke  abt  wanting  to  kill  myself  500  times  and  not  mean  it,     but  other  times  I  do  and  I  wish   !   ppl  could  read  minds  bc  having  to  tell  someone  that  I’m  depressed  makes  me  hurt  worse  bc  I  feel  like  a  Disappointment

Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  CHILDREN   ? A:     I’m  not  sure  if  I  do.     I  mean,     at  nineteen   ?   No  fucking  way.     In  ten  years   ?   Maybe,     I’m  thinking  yes,     but  to  be  decided  obviously

Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  A  CHURCH  WEDDING   ? A:     Probably,     but  not  because  I’m  religious

Q:     ARE  YOU  RELIGIOUS   ? A:     I  don’t  follow  any  religion,     but  when  I’m  scared  I  repeat,     “     i  believe  in  God.     ”     until  my  freight  vanishes

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  TO  THE  HOSPITAL   ? A:     A  few  times.     Three  were  the  most  serious.     Broke  my  wrist,     caught  Lymes  Disease  via  nasty-ass  deer  ticks  and  had  a  concussion  from  cheer.

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  GOT  IN  TROUBLE  WITH  THE  LAW   ? A:     Once,     and  it  actually  wasn’t  my  fault.     I  was,     hello,     gay-baited  and  naive,     and  the  gal  that  gay-baited  me  told  me  that  it  was  LEGAL  to  spray  paint.     Because  it  was  Montana,     I  didn’t  get  into  much  trouble  but  was  supposed  to  go  to  a  local  courthouse  to  clear  up  w/e  had  happened  which  never  occurred  bc  not  even  a  month  later  were  we  moving  to  Wisconsin

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  MET  ANY  CELEBRITIES   ? A:     One but  he’s  gross  so  :  /

Q:     BATHS  OR  SHOWERS   ? A:     Showers  but  only  if  I  don’t  have  bath  bombs  to  use

Q:     WHAT  COLOR  SOCKS  ARE  YOU  WEARING   ? A:     Currently  none  bc  I’m  in  bed  and  it’s  4:13  a.m.

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  FAMOUS   ? A:     Thankfully  not

Q:     WOULD  YOU  LIKE  TO  BE  A  BIG  CELEBRITY   ? A:     Maybe  a  Broadway  star  or  jazz  singer  but  other  than  that   ?   Pass

Q:     WHAT  TYPE  OF  MUSIC  DO  YOU  LIKE   ? A:     MOSTLY  SHOW  TUNES,     BUT  GAGA   /   QUEEN   /   DAVID  BOWIE

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  SKINNY  DIPPING   ? A:     Don’t  have  the  gall  to  tbh

Q:     HOW  MANY  PILLOWS  DO  YOU  SLEEP  WITH   ? A:     I  think  six   ?   Too  lazy  to  count  rn

Q:     WHAT  POSITION  DO  YOU  SLEEP  IN   ? A:     I  fall  asleep  laying  on  my  side,     facing  the  wall,     with  my  legs  folded  like   ?   behind  me  but  i  always  wake  up  laying  on  my  back  so

Q:     HOW  BIG  IS  YOUR  HOUSE   ? A:     uh  average   ?

Q:     WHAT  DO  YOU  TYPICALLY  HAVE  FOR  BREAKFAST   ? A:     I  rarely  eat  which  doesn’T  show  but  I  sleep  and  work  too  much  to  fit  breakfast  into  an  every  day  schedule

Q:     HAVE  I  EVER  FIRED  A  GUN   ? A:     My  dad  is  a  white  male  AND  a  conservative  from  Montana,     u  tell  me

Q:     HAVE  YOU  TRIED  ARCHERY   ? A:     In  high  school  bc  I  needed  to  do  it  to  pass  P.E.  but  it  was  not  my  thing

Q:     FAVORITE  CLEAN  WORD   ? A:     idk  if  i  have  one     ?     i  say  Mood  all  the  time  but  that’s  not   a  favorite

Q:     FAVORITE  SWEAR  WORD   ? A:      Bitchin’

Q:     WHAT’S  THE  LONGEST  YOU’VE  GONE  WITHOUT  SLEEP   ? A:     Around  25-ish  hours   ?   I  can’t  handle  that  anymore  tho

Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  ANY  SCARS   ? A:     I  have  a  handful  of  scars  on  my  forehead  bc  of  an  Incident  in  kindergarten,     a  scar  on  my  left  earlobe  bc  a  dog  almost  ripped  my  fucking  earlobe  off  and  one  on  my  right  big  toe  due  to  my  brother  not  telling  me  abt  the  glass  he  broke  and  didn’t  clean  up   :  )   that  one  cut  to  the  bone  :   )   and  a  few  on  my  left  arm  lols

Q:     Have  you  ever  had  a  secret  admirer   ? A:     Not  attractive  enough  tbh

Q:     ARE  YOU  A�� GOOD  LIAR   ? A:     I  don’t  lie  on  per  the  norm  so  no.     I  smile  too  much  tbh

Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOOD  JUDGE  OF  CHARACTER   ? A:     Usually  not.

Q:     CAN  YOU  DO  ANY  OTHER  ACCENTS  OTHER  THAN  YOUR  OWN   ? A:     I  can  slip  into  accents  for  .00006 seconds  but  no  one  ever  hears  them

Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  A  STRONG  ACCENT   ? A:      God  I  wish

Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  FAVORITE  ACCENT   ? A:     Boston   /   Mass  accents.

Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  PERSONALITY  TYPE   ? A:     This  requires  me  to  take  a  long-ass  test  n  i’m  not  gna  do  that  rn

Q:     WHAT  IS  YOUR  MOST  EXPENSIVE  PIECE  OF  CLOTHING   ? A:     Probably  my  $70-$80  jeans  that  are  now  Ruined

Q:     CAN  YOU  CURL  YOUR  TONGUE   ? A:     Mhm

Q:     ARE  YOU  AN  INNIE  OR  AN  OUTIE   ? A:     Innie

Q:     LEFT  OR  RIGHT  HANDED   ? A:     Right

Q:     ARE  YOU  AFRAID  OF  SPIDERS   ? A:     Naturally

Q:     FAVORITE  FOOD   ? A:     Highkey  Gyros

Q:     FAVORITE  FOREIGN  FOOD   ? A:     GYROS

Q:     ARE  YOU  A  CLEAN  OR  MESSY  PERSON   ? A:     Both  :  (

Q:     MOST  USED  PHRASE   ? A:     haHahahA  whatta  mood     !

Q:     MOST  USED  WORD   ? A:     Mood

Q:     HOW  LONG  DOES  IT  TAKE  FOR  YOU  TO  GET  READY   ? A:     Two  hours

Q:     DO  YOU  HAVE  MUCH  OF  AN  EGO   ? A:     Probably  best  known  for  forgetting  things

Q:     DO  YOU  SUCK  OR  BITE  LOLLIPOPS   ? A:     suck  eM

Q:     DO  YOU  TALK  TO  YOURSELF   ? A:     Probably

Q:     DO  YOU  SING  TO  YOURSELF   ? A:     All  the  time

Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOOD  SINGER   ? A:     I’ve  been  told  that  I  am  by  a  handful  of  ppl  but  who  knows

Q:     BIGGEST  FEAR   ? A:     Drowning,     burning  to  death  or  being  stabbed  in  either  lung  bc  yiKEs

Q:     ARE  YOU  A  GOSSIP   ? A:     Not  necessarily  tbh

Q:     BEST  DRAMATIC  MOVIE  YOU’VE  SEEN   ? A:     Baby  driver  but  it  wasn’t  rlly  dramatic     ?

Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  LONG  OR  SHORT  HAIR   ? A:     On  me,     it’s  a  tie  tbh.     I  love  long  hair  until  I  have  it  n  then  I  want  it  shoRT  SO

Q:     CAN  YOU  NAME  ALL  50  STATES  OF  AMERICA   ? A:     If  I  have  a  while  to  think  abt  them  then  yes.     If  not,     no

Q:     FAVORITE  SCHOOL  SUBJECT   ? A:     English   /   Language

Q:     EXTROVERT  OR  INTROVERT   ? A:     Intro  x100

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  SCUBA  DIVING   ? A:     No  and  I  don’t  want  to

Q:     WHAT  MAKES  YOU  NERVOUS   ? A:     Being  honest  abt  how  I  feel  regardless  of  context

Q:     ARE  YOU  SCARED  OF  THE  DARK   ? A:     I’m  the  Biggest  baby  so  yes

Q:     DO  YOU  CORRECT  PEOPLE  WHEN  THEY  MAKE  MISTAKES   ? A:     Not  verbally  bc  I  wasn’t  raised  in  the  jungle

Q:     ARE  YOU  TICKLISH   ? A:     EvERYWHERE

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  STARTED  A  RUMOR   ? A:     Gross,     no

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  BEEN  IN  A  POSITION  OF  AUTHORITY   ? A:     Once  for  a  hs  class  assignment  but  I’m  the  only  one  who  worked  on  the  project  in  the  long-run

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  DRANK  UNDERAGE   ? A:     mhm

Q:     HAVE  YOU  EVER  DONE  DRUGS   ? A:     Only  smoked  weed  tbh

Q:     WHO  WAS  YOUR  FIRST  REAL  CRUSH   ? A:     My  kindergarten  boyfriend,     how  the  turntables

Q:     HOW  MANY  PIERCINGS  DO  YOU  HAVE   ? A:     Eleven

Q:     CAN  YOU  ROLL  YOUR  Rs   ? A:     Barely   !

Q:     HOW  FAST  CAN  YOU  TYPE   ? A:     Pretty  fast,     idk  the  wpm  tho

Q:     HOW  FAST  CAN  YOU  RUN   ? A:     What  is  this,     middle  school   ?

Q:     WHAT  COLOR  IS  YOUR  HAIR   ? A:     Bleached  bitch

Q:     WHAT  COLOR  ARE  YOUR  EYES   ? A:     Brown

Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOU  ALLERGIC  TO   ? A:     Cats,     unfortunately

Q:     DO  YOU  KEEP  A  JOURNAL   ? A:     I  don’t  but  should

Q:     WHAT  DO  YOUR  PARENTS  DO   ? A:     My  dad  is  a  licensed  Electrician  and  my  mom  works  at  a  grocery  store

Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  AGE   ? A:     I  feel  12  yall

Q:     WHAT  MAKES  YOU  ANGRY   ? A:     Being  mocked  or  people  bickering  with  me  over  something  that  I’m  obviously  right  about

Q:     DO  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  OWN  NAME   ? A:     Skye  is  a  shit  name  tbh,     would  change  it  to  Liz  if  my  parents  wouldn’t  freak  out  about  it.

Q:     HAVE  YOU  ALREADY  THOUGHT  OF  BABY  NAMES,    AND  IF  SO  WHAT  ARE  THEY   ? A:     I  love  feminine   /   strong   /   unisex   names.

Q:     DO  YOU  WANT  A  BOY  OR  GIRL  FOR  A  CHILD   ? A:     Idk  probably  either

Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOUR  STRENGTHS   ? A:     Doubting  everyone

Q:     WHAT  ARE  YOUR  WEAKNESSES   ? A:     Assuming  the  worst  of  ppl

Q:     HOW  DID  YOU  GET  YOUR  NAME   ? A:     Well,     my  mom  wrote  a  list  of  names  on  a  sheet  of  paper  and  my  dad  liked  Skye  so  here  we  are.     I  was  almost  a  Chloe   /   Mercedes   /   Samantha.

Q:     WERE  YOUR  ANCESTORS  ROYALTY   ? A:     Obviously  not

Q:     COLOR  OF  YOUR  BEDSPREAD   ? A:     Black  ONLY  because  my  main  sheets  had  been  washed  recently  and  I  haven’t  changed  back

Q:     COLOR  OF  YOUR  ROOM   ? A:     Yellow  but  not  by  choice

And  the  meme  is  from  HERE.     Tagging  @heartcraves  but  u  genuinely  don’t  have  to  do  this  bc  it  took  me  almost  two  hours  so  please  spare  yourself