#i was in a ranting mood i gues

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Nothing gets me out of a sex scene between Baz and Simon faster than an Agatha name drop. 

I’m not telling anyone what to do or how to live their lives! Feel free to ignore my ass. But I decided to share this reflection I’ve kept to myself (worrying I might offend someone or coming across as an insufferable know-it-all, which isn’t my intention, sorry!) in case anyone gives a fuck or finds it useful when plotting. (I also feel the need to clarify I don’t for a second believe I get it right when I write or something. I can’t stress this enough: at no point do I know what I’m doing. My practiced ability to analyze media is where my confidence ends lol). I don’t know. Here’s a word vomit anyway: 

Bringing up Agatha without a strong reason (and I really mean strong!) related to sharing something about Simon is, in my humble opinion, completely unnecessary, and it’s not picking up on how Simon behaves around this. This thought it’s actually what lead me to figure out what that paragraph in awtbw is doing: Simon brings up Agatha when he’s deciding to have sex with Baz. Why? Because it’s telling us the difference between an unwanted experience and actually wanting. It’s telling us (quite cleverly) that with Agatha, it didn’t work. With Agatha, Simon wasn’t turned on, and he wasn’t in love. He wasn’t turned on. Look at that shit. Compelling, isn’t it? And we’re told that without Simon actually saying it, because Simon can’t think of doing shit with Agatha. He can’t. He avoids it! 

Simon turns it into something so abstract, he actually thinks past sexual partners at one point before correcting himself, in plural, which is both a pretty clinical way to think about it and shows how he’s removing the experience from Agatha (making it plural makes it harder to connect it to the one obvious person! which he avoids!) The existence of that paragraph communicates how Simon felt about it without betraying the way his minds works. This is why I think that paragraph in awtwb and find it a moodkiller in other instances, because it’s doing some serious heavy lifting (albeit somewhat subtly) in the book whereas I think certain things can be expressed without bringing her up at all in other places. Because I think it’s crucial to the way Simon’s work that he can’t think about it. He’s not at all casual or normal about this. He brings touching her up in the context of survival (SFC) or when he’s pushed by Baz’s wrong assumptions to process why he’s bothered by Baz thinking it’s something to congratulate him over, or that he was into her, or that it must have been good in some way. He can’t think “I’ve slept with her but...” or “sex was underwhelming with her” even though it’s the easiest writing choice. If it’s about saying Simon doesn’t have experience in certain sexual area, I think it makes more sense for him to just say he doesn’t have experience, rather than to say that he didn’t do those things with Agatha because 1. Simon is not an over-explainer, it’s more like him to give you small hints and leave you to fill in the gaps 2. He purposely avoids being alone in his head and bring up doing shit with Agatha 3. He avoids being direct. When he is direct, he’s not alone, and we’re not in his head.  

The only reason Simon brings up Agatha in that awtwb is because it’s about firsts. This is the first time Simon is consciously deciding to have sex (the previous time was spontaneous) and goes through with it, and he can’t help to note how different it is when you do want it. That’s a strong reason. And he can’t complete the sentence! The second Agatha’s name comes up, he’s pushing the thought away and saying it doesn’t matter. He’s unable to complete a coherent sentence about it – this isn’t an experience Simon is cool with or wants as part of his life and memories or whatever. To me, it doesn’t make any sense that Simon would be in front of vampire’s dick and bring her up to say things he could say without bringing her up, or that he would be able to complete the thought without being weirdly elusive. He wouldn’t be direct. 

And then there’s Baz. Good ol’ Bazzy-boy. I feel the need to say this: Baz isn’t actually surprised at the confirmation of them having had sex. He brings up the question in a way that assumes the answer is yes. He can put 2 and 2 together: he thought of Simon sexually and was horny for him while they were teens, so he mistakenly assumed Simon would feel the same about his gf (he says in CO that he believes Agatha is the only person Simon has ever wanted, a thought Simon corrects in WS by saying Baz is the only person he has ever wanted.) The reason Baz chokes all over rat’s blood is because, well, why wouldn’t he? I mean, yikes. But mostly: there’s a difference between assuming something is true and hearing it being confirmed. And Simon says it at the exact moment Baz is the most vulnerable (drinking) and while Baz is doing something he associated with self-loathing and shame. And I think this is on purpose, because Simon feels the same about this experience. (I have other posts about this, but I honestly don’t feel like digging for those links. I doubt anyone is still reading lol)

My point with Baz is: why would Baz think about anything Agatha did or didn’t do with Simon when he’s in front of Simon Snow’s hard cock? Why? It makes no sense, folks. The only reason he brings it up is in the interest of helping Simon understand himself (because Baz is kind! because he’s willing to get really fucking uncomfortable if he thinks it’s going to help Simon!). It’s not something Baz is going to think about on his own, unprompted, because why would he? (Why would anyone want to? The only reason the bitch speaking here keeps thinking about it is because something comes up that has me like “wait... hold up... I don’t think this is in line with the hints Simon puts down”) Especially not during sexy times with Simon? When Simon is naked, that man is busy. Simon took off his little pants and Baz was speechless. His brain (and insecurities) are not working like that, you know? 

[racialaffirmation]

this is sort of related but kind of unrelated to ed but whatever

i don't know if other girls experience this but i honestly think i have some type of crippling gender disphoria within myself or something, it's weird, im always striving to seem more feminine but i grew up with such a self degrading and masculine view of myself, growing up with "boy interests" and being praised as a kid for not being a conventionally feminine kid because obv everything male is superior 😍😍😍 my biggest insecurity ever isn't anything to do with my appearance (not that im happy with that either) but how masculine i view my personality and outward behaviour, i grew up being raised by a single dad who ive been close to and exhibit a lot of his traits and body language, it disgusts me though, i hate catching myself do it. i want to have a pretty voice, i want to be gleeful and laugh a lot but i can't force myself to do it. i feel like I've had such low self esteem and also a really low mood generally after not identifying with the sexist stereotype of what a woman should be. i want to be a beautiful jewel not an ugly disgusting hobo (aka an average person bc women can't be average 😀 /sarcasm)

its so fucking strange how society has literally assigned emotions and seemingly natural behaviours with one's sex to the point where i feel like im not a woman for being DEPRESSED 👍🏻

although i gues growing up as a girl with somewhat typically masculine features like broad shoulders and tall height probably contributed also

anyway sorry for the incomprehensible rant

[kinantha]

Pros, Cons, Term, & Condition

Pros :

☆ If you need someone who can love you while s/he's gone, baby you got me as the man who stands beside you, hear all your rants, a shoulder to lean, and pampering you some affection.

☆ So who you gonna call when you want to? Do them things he won't do? Great choice! I'll be your man for a whole day. I can be your bro, partner, or lover when you decide to pick me as your man.

☆ I can give you some advice if you need it. I'm all your ears and I'll keep your secret as only you, me, and God who know it. Our little secret.

☆ I'm into cooking too, so if you're hungry and need a simple tasty recipe you can ask me! I would like to share some recipes with you.

☆ Dad jokes and meme is my daily routine. We can meme date too right? And I always give random pick-up lines when I'm bored.

Cons :

☆ I'm not into NSFW thingy, jadi yah begitu. Iya, saya kalo masalah NSFW bodoh pake banget.

☆ Not a lo-gue user because I'm kinda awkward for using lo-gue.

☆ I can sleep easily when I'm tired and mostly dissapeared without notice. Jadi, kalau semisal saya hilang disiang hari atau sebelum work hour selesai bisa jadi saya tidur lebih awal.

☆ Jika saya menghilang lama biasanya karena saya sibuk, tiba-tiba ada keperluan mendadak yang tidak bisa ditunda, atau bisa juga karena saya tiba-tiba tidak memiliki mood yang bagus untuk membalas pesan karena saya juga tiba-tiba ingin menyendiri. I will inform you that sometimes I need me time hours at random time jadi kemungkinan itu yang membuat saya hilang lebih lama. I'm just A MERE HUMAN so being drained sounds normal right? MOSTLY point ini yang membuat saya SLOW RESPONSE. Dan karena saya sedang bekerja irl maka akan menjadi sebuah kebiasaan untuk tidak begitu aktif di jam pagi dan sore karena saya akan fokus pada pekerjaan irl.

☆ Sering menghilang saat waktu sholat dan biasanya lebih lama karena ada sesi tertentu yang membuat saya harus beribadah lebih lama daripada biasanya.

☆ PLEASE TAKE A NOTE THAT I'M A HUMAN TOO alias manusia tempatnya salah kata, perbuatan, ketikan, dan juga perasaan.

[epipoeny]

Gue ga bisa bohong, gue udah kehilangan semangat nulis di octodo. Semua tulisan yang gue hasilkan dari beberapa bulan terakhir terasa dipaksakan, artifisial, tujuannya kayak menuh-menuhin entri blog tiap bulan.

Gue bergeliat seperti itu karena udah nemu temen disana. 3 tahun blogging bayangkan baru nemu temen yang doyan mampir balik kesana, ya apa nggak jejingkrakan? Apalagi yang komentar juga blogger yang gue lumayan suka tulisannya. That's why I put lots of effort, cari-cari tenaga terakhir untuk tetap menulis dan mempublish.

Kemarin pas mau upload tulisan untuk bulan Juli hal menyebalkan terjadi. Tulisan yang gue copas mendadak hilang gitu aja, padahal udah diatur sedemikian rupa biar rapi kanan kirinya, ditambahin link biar yang baca bisa nonton langsung videonya, mood gue berantakan parah.

Bayangin aja udah niatnya lemah pake digoda, ya bubar

Kemarahan aku menjadi-jadi lah kemarin, sempet ababil apa tutup aja ini blog sekalian? Orang juga susah aturannya, aku pun maunya sekarang update lewat hp dulu, update pakai laptop berarti harus ridho menyiapkan kuota dua kali lebih banyak, sementara kuota yang bisa aku sediakan nggak lebih dari budget 60 ribu aja.

Kesedihan ini kembali keluar pasca baca tulisan blog bayance. Emang gue baru aja sih bacain blog dia, bukan pembaca tetap seperti di blog lain. Anehnya gue merasa ikut sesak baca post terakhirnya yang bilang mau ambil jeda dulu dari dunia per-bloggingan.

Gue lalu menengok kembali ke arah Octodo. Ini gue sama sih kayak dia, bedanya effort dia beberapa bulan belakangan ya masih sama. Kualitas tulisannya masih jelas, nggak kelihatan kayak orang demot abis-abisan dari hal yang disuka

Gue jadi mikir ulang deh. Apa tujuan punya blog sebenernya? Apa yang mau gue raih? Kalau ditilik awal sekali bikin blog itu karena ingat bahwa blog itu rumah dan tempat mencurahkan hal-hal yang pengen lo rekam. Entah baik atau buruk.

Bagi gue blog yang memberi contoh nyata akan hal tersebut ya blog evita nuh. Maksudnya dia beneran nulis dari dalam dirinya bukan demi konten kayak sekarang gitu seperti yang banyak gue temukan.

Di periode pertengahan gue nulis di octodo ada perasaan ingin kenal dan bisa dapet endorse macem orang-orang, tergoda sama passion bisa kok jadi duit, jadilah ikutan review produk skin care. Nggak lama kok abis itu mulai nulis review film lagi, cuma ya guenya sekarang moodnya naik turun sekali.

Selama tiga tahun gue menemukan niat yang berubah-ubah berganti arah setiap mau nulis postingan baru. Dibilang capek ya lumayan, haha. Gue kayak belum dapet esensi sebenernya mau dibawa kemana blog ini, ingin dikomersialkan seperti orang-orang, masuk ke komunitas atau ya ngeblog sendiri aja jalan solo nggak ada beban...

Dan sepertinya sekarang pilihan gue jatuh pada opsi terakhir. Gue nyaman sih jujur nulis tanpa ada komentar, ya bukannya ga suka dikomen, gue mah apresiasi banget sist kalau ada yang bersedia baca tulisan panjang itu. Cuma nih kadang emang pengen pure ranting tanpa perlu dikasih embel-embel semangat, pengennya ya lihat orang ikut sambat aja.

Gue pengen raw ya nunjukin jiwa raga ini capek. Sekadar meluapkan emosi biar nggak ke-lock sendiri di dalem. Melihat blog kak Dara dan beberapa penulis lain di wordpress membuat gue iri mereka bisa mengekspresikan diri sesuka hati.

Gue ada rencana menulis lagi di wordpress. Tapi nggak sekarang juga sih, mau nulis dulu aja yang banyak sampai nanti tinggal pilih mau publish mana. Nggak buru-buru kayak dulu yang cari instant gratification lewat publish button. Gue mau nulis bebas panjang pendeknya. Mau jadinya super panjang dan nggak ada yang baca juga gpp deh wkwk. Yang penting blog gue bisa jadi arsip di masa tua nanti. Dan mungkin gue nggak lagi pasang alamat blog sampai dimana gue merasa siap tulisan gue dibaca sama yang lain.

[gimaneram]

You know what? I really don’t know

Ada masanya kita menjawab semua pertanyaan dengan “ngga tahu” or mungkin “auk ah”, dan bukan karena ngga tau, tapi karena arti dari kata tersebut  “gue ngga peduli, gue ngga mau tahu, terserah elo, karena lo udah tau maunya gue”. Hmm...well mungkin kalian berpikir ah ini kalimat seorang cewe yang lagi ngambek banget! Well ngga juga sih sebenernya, cowo juga ngga jarang ngomong kalimat dengan tema kalimat kaya gini, biasanya antara “Ya udah kamu mau apa terserah kamu aja deh” (dengan nada pasrah dan sangat ngga rido) atau ya simply diem sediem-diemnya.

Biasanya ini kalimat dengan emosi marah yang sudah cukup tinggi sih, jadi sebenernya perlu banget kita memperhatikan keadaan dan intonasi seseorang ketika sedang berbicara. Tapi kadang yang membuat kita ngomong “auk ah” ini ngga cuma lawan bicara, tapi kadang keadaan dan situasi. Karena ngga semua situasi dalam hari-hari kita itu menyenangkan, ya ngga jarang terjadi, sebuah 1 hari yang menyenangkan, cuma gara-gara hujan doank mood lu bisa rusak berantakan. I mean it’s unexpected and sometimes at the point you want to say “you know what? i don’t care and i don’t know”

Lalu kenapa gue nge-rant soal ini? 

Okay 1st of all gue tau sih, masalah yang gue hadapi ini mungkin kecil ketimbang orang lain yang punya masalah jauh lebih besar lagi. Harusnya emang gue bersyukur kalau gue masih bisa memenuhi kebutuhan gue sehari-hari. Then again, kadang rasanya unbearable aja sih, karena biarpun kebutuhan kita sudah terpenuhi kita masih ada keinginan untuk jadi lebih...hmmmm passion atau greed? Ntah lah. Gue..saat ini cuma ingin jadi yang terbaik agar bisa lebih pantas berada dengannya. Cheesy? Hahaha probably yeah...karena seharusnya gue pengen jadi lebih baik karena diri sendiri...bukan karena orang lain dan bukan karena dia. Tapi..bukan kah baik kalau kita sadar kita perlu jadi lebih baik karena ada seseorang yang mentriggernya? That person probably the one you’ve been looking for. But...are you the one that person been looking for? In my case, how can i be the one if i can’t be better first? 

Whoops there you go again, over think it again....padahal harusnya gue mengabaikan pikiran-pikiran ini saja daaan menikmati hari gue....then again you know what? I reaaaallly don’t know....haeh gimane sih ram?