#i was gonna post this yesterday but then i re-read the ask and decided i had to fix it 😭😭

[hurpdurpburps]

Kozakura and Toriko

SPOILER WARNING: major spoilers up to Vol 8 of the novels, screenshots of the manga-exclusive Kozakura POV Special Chapter 10 and two passing mentions of minor character development in Vol 9 of the novel (currently only in Japanese).

Vol 10 of the English manga was released yesterday, and re-reading the Kozakura POV Special Chapter at the end reminded me why it was actually my favourite of all the ones published so far, and why I am so enamoured with Kozakura as a character.

I know that a lot of the fandom is amused by the idea of Sorawo having a harem (and it's true - Miyazawa straight up confirms Runa's crush in Vol 9 and has regularly insinuated at Kozakura's feelings throughout the volumes), but I think not nearly enough people talk about Kozakura's dynamic with Toriko, or how the story unfolds from her perspective as literally the "only grown-up in the room" before Migiwa's introduction.

So this post is gonna talk about that.

There are multiple times where the story depicts Kozakura favouring Sorawo over Toriko, such as in when she asked Sorawo to accompany her back home because she was scared, or when she decided to call only Sorawo to go over to her house to collect the free hot springs tickets. A lot of people chalk it up to Kozakura liking Sorawo, but if anything I think this behaviour is more of a manifestation of the lack of guilt towards her, compared to the boatload she has towards Toriko.

In the novels, we as readers feel the disgust and dread from Sorawo's POV as someone retroactively discovering that her friend was a victim of grooming.

But what about Kozakura? If you think about the OP character chart from a bird's eye view, she wasn't a victim - nor exactly an innocent bystander. If anything, she'd be an accessory to a predator, being a late-20s/early-30s adult witnessing her similar-aged coworker rope in who was a literal teenager at the time to traversing and exploring a creepy af alternate reality, and doing absolutely fuck all about it.

Miyazawa made a deliberate decision here, to write in no uncertain terms, that Kozakura was conscious of what Satsuki was doing to Toriko, or the impropriety lurking beneath the dynamics of their "tutor-student" relationship. Kozakura saw it coming - his writing leaves no room for other interpretations - and she let it happen.

And how does she cope with this guilt? Kozakura could've avoided Toriko's attempts at reaching out after Satsuki's disappearance. It would've been easy I think, for Kozakura to simply break off all contact. A simple "our mutual friend is gone so bye" would've sufficed to send Toriko packing for good. Toriko is an abysmally shy girl - and unlike Sorawo, Kozakura knew that side of her from the start. Kozakura is clearly not afraid or incapable of conveying her displeasure, but nonetheless makes the conscious, harder decision to make Toriko feel comfortable enough to stick around.

Kozakura unexpectedly grows more accustomed to taking care of Toriko, plus her new sidekick Sorawo, over time. So much so that by the time Vol 6 rolls around, she pretty much gives up her house and lets our dynamic duo do what they want. By extension, I think her guilt over not doing anything to help Toriko in the past was a driving factor behind her decision to take in Kasumi. In a sense, it's a do-over, and now she's right there from the start to make sure the train doesn't derail. I'm happy to reveal that her efforts have paid off - Kasumi's communication abilities have greatly improved in Vol 9. Now the kid says hi, eats ice cream on the couch obediently when ordered to do so, and quotes entire Wikipedia pages psychically or whatever.

The complicated vortex of envy, jealousy and guilt doesn't stop Kozakura from trying to do right by Toriko, but that doesn't mean it's easy to face her either. Coupled with Sorawo's many similarities to her missing crush (emotional erh, robustness, vague physical resemblance, bravery regarding all things Otherside) and the lack of a complicated interpersonal history, it's no wonder why Kozakura intuitively prefers talking to our protagonist than the poor Bird Girl she allowed to be manipulated. And I don't think she's very conscious of this inclination herself.

Personally, I prefer this interpretation of Kozakura's behaviour, rather than the more popular everyone-likes-Sorawo take (not that it's not valid, unsupported, or fun). Also, this is my all-vibes no-evidence theory, but Kozakura totally seems to me like someone who'd only be into older women, not younger...

But that's probably just me projecting. I relate to Kozakura's position quite a bit, as a late-20s woman who leads a team of mostly early-20s younger women fresh out of university, like a naggy mother hen.

Many stories depict difficult situations from the eyes of a victim, survivor, or even perpetrator, but not enough explore the guilt of someone who acknowledges that she could've stopped a bad thing from happening, in my opinion. And she forces herself to atone by proactively keeping an eye for these girls. While maintaining that superior holier-than-thou attitude towards her kids lol. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I love Miyzawa's takes so much.

This is a 5am, caffeine-fueled ramble. It's not particularly insightful or profound, but I have a lot of energy right now and decided to pen down these surging thoughts.

And yeah - buy the manga! The Kozakura POV shorts add such a rich dimension to these already-deeply introspective novels, and personally I think it really highlights Miyazawa's hyperawareness of complicated, problematic interpersonal dynamics.

PS. I wonder how many volumes we have to reach before finally knowing Kozakura's first name lol.

[slurp-imagines]

Your hc writings are the best!! Can I request an:

Overprotective jealous Zoro hcs with a very friendly s/o who gets a bit scared when zoro gets mad at her talking with other guys?

I'm glad you like my writing anon!! ty for sending this in :)

your request is a bit similar to a recent possessiveness request I got (cw: NSFW section at the bottom), so to differentiate them I tried to construct more of a narrative for this one. Y/N's traits are pretty different too so hopefully they don't overlap too much.

Getting jealous & accidentally intimidating his s/o: Roronoa Zoro

↳ In general, Zoro isn't normally the type to get too jealous. But say the Strawhats are partying with some of the islanders they'd met that day– he probably isn't glued to your side the whole time. He doesn't have the social grace or battery that you do, lol. It's more likely that at different points he'll be off to the side somewhere with his drink, occasionally keeping an eye on you while you flit around through the celebration.

↳ He isn't the clingiest person around by far, but Zoro really does value quality time, and sometimes he gets frustrated when he doesn't have your attention. Being friendly with your crew mates is one thing, but Zoro is quicker to anger when it's his s/o being a little too friendly with some strangers they only met that day.

↳ He tries to stamp it down, because that's just your personality & he genuinely does trust you not to take things too far. He has no reason to be peeved about you just having fun at a party, like you're literally supposed to. So with that thought process, the jealousy makes him feel silly at first, like a little kid or something. That's why he doesn't want to approach you about it at first– he knows he'd feel stupid bringing it up. What is he gonna say? "Pay more attention to me"??? lmao please.

↳ So for a while, Zoro just sits there with his drink and stews over it. Why can't you pay him attention like that? Is he not interesting enough? You're supposed to be dating him, not whoever else it is you've been chatting and laughing with. The longer he watches you, the more irritated he gets, and it builds up– especially if any of the islanders are obviously flirting with you. That's probably when he decides he's had enough. He'd stomp over and probably try to drag you off without an explanation.

↳ He doesn't even know what he wants to say once he has you somewhere private. From the s/o's perspective this tenseness came out of nowhere. He's unfathomably irritated with you, and any protests or questioning from you only stokes the flames. He's so defensive too, and things escalate more quickly than you're prepared for. If you're like "Um what is your problem rn???" he'd probably glare at you, voice raising.

↳ "What's MY problem? What's YOUR problem! Out there throwing yourself at every man that even looks at you." It's an exaggeration and a terrible accusation to make, and in a calmer state, he knows that. He just doesn't fully realize it until after the argument escalates even further. Not until after his face has twisted into a snarl, not until he takes a step closer to you and for a split second, you're flinching away from him.

↳ He really feels like the biggest piece of shit when he sees the look of fear cross your face. There's a long, heavy pause where he just stares at you, the only sound being the celebration in the distance. His expression is caught somewhere between irritation and bitter guilt, his eyes gaze trained away from you. He takes a deep breath, letting it trail slowly out of his nose before he speaks again... He doesn't know what to say except, "I'm not going to hurt you."

↳ Zoro had always thought that much was obvious, and it's kind of earth-shattering for him that he made you expect him to. Even if you tell him you aren't afraid of him, that the flinch was just a momentary instinct rather than a genuine belief he would hurt you– he can't get past the thought that you were afraid of him.

↳ He probably walks away at this point. He just wants to leave you alone for a while. You were enjoying the party, he got mad over something minimal, said hurtful things he didn't mean, and then lost control to the point that he scared you. The person he wants to protect most, the person who he couldn't even dream of laying a hand on. This is more than just ruining your night, he's done something he can't take back.

↳ He's apologetic the next time you approach him. But Zoro doesn't forget this. He knows he's hotheaded, but he's also incredibly disciplined, and this isn't something he's willing to let happen twice.

[lunas-criminally-writing]

panic room part two

part one

a/n: this is part two to chapter three of written in the stars, panic room. i have linked part one so i would read that part first before continuing onto this part. again this chapter was made possible by my lovely beta @bacchicly and @spencerreidsworld. thank you both.

trigger warnings: nightmares involving death, weapons, drinking alcohol, hallucinations, swearing, threats, arguing, self-harm, possible overdose/suicide attempt, blood, trip to the er.

🖤🖤🖤

early the next morning spencer woke

reaching out to maggie's side of the bed

"m..?"

she was not there.

spencer shot up.

he looked around frantically

"maggie?"

no answer.

he got up checked the bathroom

no maggie.

checked the kitchen.

no maggie.

livingroom?

no … wait …

something was out of place on the coffee table: the missing bottle of alcohol from the cabinet...

empty.

damn it.

spencer quietly - carefully - walked into the living room and there sleeping in the armchair was maggie.

her gun was out of the holster and was in her hand. he took in the sight of her tear-stained face, gun in hand, and the bandages he put on her the day before scattered across the floor.

it was agony to see her like this.

spencer shifted his weight causing the floor to creak beneath his feet and maggie sprang awake and aimed her gun at him.

spencer slowly raised his hands

"maggie. it's me."

once it clicked it was just him she lowered her weapon and took a deep breath

"holy fuck, spence, you scared me!"

spencer looked at her in fear

"what is going on maggie? you are scaring me"

maggie winced at the sound of fear in his voice.

"i was watching the door"

"why?" he asked softly

maggie re-holstered her weapon to her hip before speaking again

"i heard noises outside was all"

spencer looked at the door

"maggie you are safe here"

maggie hissed in disbelief

"how do you know that? you post some guards i don't know about? write a paper about the sanctity of the american home?"

"i know because i would die before letting that happen to you. i would kill foyet." he said reaching his hand out - hoping she would give him her gun.

maggie gave up - she was too tired from the sleeplessness to make an even bigger scene - she took the hint and gave him the gun before getting up and brushing roughly past him on her way to the bathroom.

spencer took the opportunity to hide the contents of their alcohol cabinet and both their gun in a place maggie could not reach - but also holstered his backup piece to his ankle - he needed to protect her from foyet and from herself. he knew she would probably be mad at him but this was needed. by the time maggie returned everything was secured and hidden.

maggie smiled tensely at spencer from under the messy bun she had just piled on top of her head. she had washed her face but she didn't think it was soap residue making her skin feel tight. the hoodie she had worn to bed was tied around her waist and her arms were bare.

"why are you looking at me like that spencer"

"i am worried about you"

maggie sitting next to him on the couch "spencer, i am fine. i promise. i was just a little jumpy last night" she explained, hoping spencer would take her bait.

spencer watched her trying to determine if she was lying to him "you told me that you would tell me if you were not okay. just like i did with you."

"as i said i was just out of it yesterday,"

spencer sighed before deciding to drop it - he hated seeing her unhappy and they had time to figure it out.

"what do you want to do for breakfast today?"

"i am not too hungry so i was gonna make a few pieces of cinnamon sugar toast. do you want some?"

spencer nodded giving her his signature close-lipped smile "that sounds great."

maggie smiled back at him then went to the kitchen to make breakfast.

spencer watched her from the living room. she did seem to be acting a little bit different than the day before but she still seemed off. it might have to do with dinner with her dad. it would be only the second time that she had been in the apartment since being left there as a grisly present for her father by foyet.

plus...this time they were a couple. he did not know if she was going to tell her dad about them. he made a mental note to make sure to ask her. even though he was bursting to tell everyone - even hotch - that he was with this amazing woman - he did not want to slip up if she was not ready.

maggie soon returned with six pieces of toast that were cut into triangles. "breakfast is served," she said with a forced giggle.

the two sat on the couch and put on a movie to try to enjoy their breakfast.

as the day went on they watched movie after movie - maggie getting more and more fidgety - spencer getting more and more concerned as he watched her pick at her clothing and chew her lip until she had drawn blood.

finally maggie couldn't stand sitting there any longer

"i am gonna start getting ready for dinner," she told spencer before heading - head down to the bedroom.

spencer watched her go then turned to clean up the living room with a hard sigh.

🖤🖤🖤

once in the bedroom maggie opened the closet and began to look through her dresses. even though she was loath to shed her comfort clothes...she normally would dress up at the drop of a hat... so to avoid questions she flipped through the closet before selecting a black mid-thigh length dress. it was one of her few long-sleeved dresses, she chose it so it would cover her scars but it was still her usual brand of sexy. she moved to the dresser grabbing a pair of fishnets placing them on the bed with her dress. next she grabbed her black *red laced* knee-high converse. she nodded to herself as she placed the shoes by her outfit - this should keep up appearances next stop: bathroom.

once there she grabbed her curler and plugged it in so it could heat up. she also grabbed her eyeshadow palette, eyeliner, mascara, and red lipstick before placing them on the counter by the curler. she pulled out her phone and turned on her music. the playlist she chose had music both spencer and she liked. the first song that played was "two is better than one" by boys like girls featuring taylor swift. she considered it her song with spencer, their song as a couple. she sang the song as she began to do her makeup and hair.

she spun and she felt like she was being watched. spencer was in the doorway watching her smiling. "i have not seen you do that in a long time" he said

"do what?" she asked dumbfounded

spencer shook his head chuckling "sing" he said finally

maggie blushed softly "you are right there. i don't know why i started to sing now but i guess it is a good thing,"

spencer nodded before kissing her head "you know some studies indicate that beautiful women are 94.7% more likely to get a kiss on the head while singing - i just came by to let you know it is 4 now."

"okay thank you." she smiled "i am almost finished with my hair. my makeup is done so all i have to do is get dressed"

"okay princess. i am gonna go get dressed while you finish up in here" spencer said before walking away to the room.

maggie smiled at herself in the mirror before continuing to work on her hair. it took her a little bit before she began to sing. the last time she sang was the night she had been taken. she sang to spencer as they had danced to calm her nerves from her attack.

once she was done she examined herself in the mirror making sure everything was perfect - or at least it wasn't evident that she had worried her lips to bleeding over the last few days... she fidgeted with one of her curls before she was satisfied. after that, she walked out of the bathroom bumping into spencer who was walking out of their room.

spencer looked at maggie smiling "you look beautiful princess" he said

maggie flushed a bright red before taking in his appearance. he was wearing a red button-down shirt and black pants. he must have seen her dress and decided to wear her favorite color to match. "you look handsome, my love," she said unexpectedly shyly.

"thank you. you go get dressed now so we can head out" he said moving out of her way.

maggie went to her dress and looked at it before taking off her clothes. she slipped on her dress. she smoothed it down then sat on the bed to pull on her fishnets and a pair of knee-high socks then her favorite part: she put on her shoes and laced them up - she loved that they were both crazy sexy and practical. finally maggie stood in front of their floor-length mirror to look at herself - fidgeting with her hair once more before she was satisfied.

spencer walked into the room to let maggie know what time it was but when he saw her, his breath was taken away. she was stunning. spencer looked slack-jawed at her until he could force himself to speak “m&m you look so beautiful”

maggie turned blushing bright red. “thank you, love. you look so handsome too,” admiration seeping into her voice.

“thank you, princess, we should probably head out now so we make it to dinner on time,”

maggie nodded before reaching out to take his hand. “let's go”

spencer led maggie out of the bedroom and out of the apartment so they could go to the car. instead of leading her to his volvo, he leads her to the SUV.

“i thought we could take the suv today if that is okay with you” spencer explained

"you want me to drive then?"

"no. i've got this. i've got you maggie.

maggie nodded before getting into the passenger seat. spencer got into the driver's side and prepared himself to drive.

the couple drove to maggie's father's house in silence. maggie had put her music on but they did not talk or sing - the awkwardness of the quiet filling the car uncomfortably.

upon the arrival at her dad's place, maggie began to feel anxious. she was excited about the dinner but she was worried about whether being here would trigger more hallucinations. she was barely able to contain them now. acting like nothing was wrong was tiring.

spencer parked the car and got out, jogging round to open her door. maggie smiled at him before taking his hand and getting out of the vehicle. he really did treat her like a princess.

they walked to the house hand in hand. maggie dropped spencer's hand and knocked on the door. aaron came to the door and opened it smiling. “you made it mint,” he said before pulling her into a hug.

maggie hugged her father back “i would not have missed it.” she said, squeezing her eyes shut.

“i know you would not but i was still worried that you would not come because of the history you have here,” his voice apologetic and laced with worry.

“time to make some good memories here then,”

“well come on in. the spaghetti is almost done” Aaron urged, ushering the two inside.

spencer looked around trying to fight his instinct to grab maggie's hand for comfort. “thank you for inviting us hotch,” he said

“anytime reid,” aaron smiled. “i am gonna go check on the food. make yourselves at home”

maggie took a deep breath before sitting down on the couch. her eyes flickered all across the room, unable to focus on one thing for too long. her eyes landed on her father's desk.

her mind began to replay the memory of what happened.

she saw herself handcuffed to the desk looking up at foyet. he dipped his head to her face as he watched her. they stared at each other before he spoke.

“maggie elizabeth hotchner, i love you. i am sorry for what i did to you. you will soon understand why”

“I don't know if i ever will foyet” she whispered.

foyet shook his head saying “you will.”

foyet kissed her forehead before leaving her there.

maggie snapped out of her trance when she felt a hand on her shoulder; it was spencer. maggie peered at him trying to figure out what was real and what was not.

spencer spoke gently - like you would to a spooked animal “time to eat m&m”

maggie nodded understanding “okay thank you, spence,”

the two moved to the dinner table. they sat across from each other at the places set for them. aaron was at the head of the table and there was a bottle of wine for anyone that wanted some.

maggie's eyes landed on the wine and felt relief - she was hoping to be able to have some so she could block out her memories.

spencer also noticed the wine and sighed. he knew maggie would want some but he could not let her.

aaron looked at the two with a playful gleam in his eyes that they rarely got to see at work “does anyone want some wine?”

spencer cleared his throat “maggie and i are fine with water”

hotch gave spencer a much more familiar look not taking his eyes off him while he asked "is that so, mint?"

maggie looked at spencer with wide eyes before just nodding “water is fine, dad” she said.

suddenly maggie knew that spencer knew that she was back to drinking her memories away. maggie had done it before - it was why spencer had made sure she saw someone to help with her ptsd and prescribe medication. the medication that she had stopped taking because it was not working.

aaron nodded - still puzzled by spencer answering for his daughter

oh well a problem for another time

“let's eat” he said smiling at them

spencer looked at maggie with concern before giving up and beginning to swirl his spaghetti onto his fork with the help of a spoon. maggie dipped her head down and focused on her food. she tried to eat but her stomach was twisted in knots. she felt sick to her stomach. a couple of bites in, maggie excused herself to go to the bathroom. spencer, looking worried, excused himself as well.

once it was just the two of them, maggie turns on spencer, thoroughly ticked off. “what was that?”

spencer looked at her trying to keep his cool and feigned innocence “what do you mean?”

“why did you tell my dad that i was fine with water? i am not a kid spencer.”

“i just thought water might be better for us.”

maggie groaned under her breath then hissed “what makes you think you know what is best for me? i can take care of myself”

spencer swallows a sigh,”I’m not saying you can’t, m&-.”

hugging herself to keep from scratching her arms - from scratching out his eyes - she interrupted “you seem to think otherwise, spence, or you would not have done that.” .

spencer moves closer, taking her hands in his.”i’m just trying to look out for you. it’s my job.”

maggie looked at their hands before deliberately removing one from his grasp to angrily brush a curl from her face. spencer tried to hide his upset when she took her hand away.

“spencer reid, your job is to look out for me, yes, but not to control my every move. the wine would not have been a problem”

spencer looked at her appraisingly then made himself speak with a softness he doesn't feel.

“m&m the wine could mess with your medication. you know you are not supposed to drink alcohol while on it”

maggie brought her freed hand to her mouth and chuckled hopelessly hopelessly. “oh! you mean the medication that i stopped taking? do you mean that medication that did nothing for me?”

spencer blinked twice and finally challenged her directly ,

“you stopped taking it... how long has it been? how long, maggie?? how long, maggie? ”

it took maggie a minute before she replied defiantly “four months. it didn't keep the hallucinations at bay like it was supposed to” her words were tough but her tone distant and cold, and spencer had suspicions as to why...but in his anger - fair or not - he couldn't stop himself from heaping blame on her.

“it stopped working because you stopped taking it. i thought i should - could - trust you. you know you needed to stay on top of it for it to work”

the look in maggie's eyes shifted at the speed of a car crash - changed from pissed off to completely vulnerable to pure panic to empty - like she was not even there.

“of course dr. reid. honestly like you even care” her voice held robotic venom..

spencer deliberately lets his hurt show - his expression tight and haunted

“i care so much more than you think maggie. i would not be here if I did not care.”

“if you cared about me, dr. reid, you would have saved me from foyet. you could not save me from him. foyet is back in our lives because he is smarter than you. you could not keep him in prison, that prison. you could not even find him before he hurt me over and over. and now...you know there is nothing you can do to get rid of him so i can be free.”

it was not her speaking but the sickness that had taken over her inner thoughts.

but wasn't it true that if the team had kept him contained her mother would still be alive and she would not have had the hallucinations, to begin with?

spencer knew this wasn’t his real maggie talking, but he couldn’t help the harsh anger that broke loose inside of him.

“it’s kind of hard to get any work done when i have to constantly babysit you.”

maggie's eyes suddenly snap back into focus - angry hurt harsh focus

“maybe if you stopped trying to be my dad i wouldn't be such a burden. you're the one who has made it so that i am trapped in your stupid appartment - helpless - so that i could only turn to you”

the kitchen door is suddenly pushed open and both freeze, flooded with the hot embarrassing realization that they had let their argument get loud enough to alert hotch.

aaron's eyes darted between the two, concern etched on his face.

”is everything alright in here?”

he took in the angry faces as both maggie and spencer crossed their arms and glared at each other.

maggie was the first to speak - her tone flipped to sugared sweetness like a switch.

“everything is fine dad. Just a tiny misunderstanding and things just got a little out of hand. I am sorry”

spencer simply nodded - still trying to calm himself down. it was a lot harder for him than he would have ever deemed possible 48 hours ago..

aaron still looked between them curiously as he was unsure what had gone on the looks these two were shooting at each other reminded him painfully of those he and haley had aimed at each other before the divorce - and he just couldn't go back there - even as a spectator - so he simply dropped it.

“let's go finish dinner” he suggested

maggie and spencer both nodded before heading back to their respective seats. the rest of the dinner was silent as the three ate - each not willing to give away even a glimmer of their inner turmoil to the other two profilers at the table.

once they were all done aaron cleared the table. neither spencer nor maggie made a move to help just sat and looked at each other - each daring the other to slip and let something show while actively controlling their own tells.

they had never fought before in the time that they had known each other. the silence between them was unbearable but neither of them spoke.

finally aaron came out of the kitchen with a plate of m&m cookies and a tub of vanilla ice cream. “i thought we could do dessert?”

maggie smiled at him “ice cream sandwiches like when i was a kid? it is perfect dad”

aaron smiled back and placed the items on the table “you can make yours first, mint” he said

maggie reached and grabbed two cookies before getting the ice cream. she quickly made an ice cream sandwich before putting the ice cream back in the center of the table.

she looked so happy now.

but neither spencer nor aaron were completely convinced it was genuine - they were too good at their jobs

“c’mon dad, dig in!”

“but, reid-”

“oh, i insist” spencer dimpled ducking his head as aaron had seen a billion times before

so with a smile at his daughter, aaron made his ice cream sandwich next and then spencer did. they all ate their ice cream sandwiches and even made a second one.

as the atmosphere relaxed, they chatted about work as they are. maggie was so close to getting her credentials to be an official part of the team. it had been wild training with them while they were trying to catch foyet - but she thought bitterly looking away from spencer who was smeared in blood again in her mind’s eye - she couldn’t deny how much the experience had taught her.

the ice-cream sandwiches are eaten and aaron has ducked off to put the left-overs in the freezer when maggie slumped in her chair. spencer whispers his concern - suppressing the urge to apologize for earlier until they can be alone and actually have some privacy to hash things out.

maggie just looks away, suddenly exhausted from unsuccessfully fighting off her hallucinations and strangely even more from the fight.

“can we go home, spence?”

“always, maggie.”

aaron insisted they take some leftovers before heading out to the car.

🖤🖤🖤

on the ride home, maggie looked at spencer biting her lip.

"spencer, i am sorry for what i said to you. it was not fair to you at all. i know you are doing the best you can to take care of me as well as catch foyet. i am sorry"

maggie said it sincerely.

she meant her apology.

spencer kept silent - the anger still burned inside of him - only deciding to speak once he reached the stop sign.

he turned to face the woman he loved but knew he could no longer trust.

"i believe you are sincerely sorry for what you said today - but are you sorry for not taking your meds? for lying? for hurting the woman i love? it doesn’t seem like it. do you know how fucking hard it was to get you the help you needed? to get the medication? to help you hide it from both the team and even more difficult your father. you had me lying to my boss. i thought you were making progress - but i was dead wrong"

maggie looked at spencer hurt flashing across her face.

"spen-"

spencer quickly interrupted her as she had did to him in the hours before

"no. you want to act like everything is fucking okay when it is not. i opened my home to you and most importantly my heart. you just get to apologize and expect me to trust you? to not be hurt and angry? not this time. you drank a whole bottle of hard liquor in the course of a day, you lied to me repeatedly in the past 48 hours, and you have not done anything to make me believe you have any intention of doing things differently. and you expect me to feel that your apology is sincere? your words fucking hurt maggie.”

maggie looked out her window

“your words hurt too, dr. reid.”

her voice rang with disconnection rusted through by poison in his ears

“look maggie i love you to the ends of the earth but i am just not ready to accept your apology. your actions will speak louder than words.”

maggie looked at spencer with tears running down her face.

“okay whatever. i am sorry that i tried to make up.”

spencer saw her tears and it made him feel guilty - he was still not changing his mind - he meant his words. so he tried again as gently as possible

“you are missing the point, maggie.”

“oh and what’s that, spencer?”

“that would do anything for you and that i’d rather be kissing you than fighting any hour of the day - but if the only way to get you to stop hurting yourself - i will scream until the sky comes down.”

maggie finally seemed to hear him. she turned in her seat and looked at him. really really looked. his hair was mussed and he was looking straight ahead, hands clenched the steering wheel..

but she can tell…

he’s not lying.

he does love her.

maybe she could try

“thank you.”

🖤🖤🖤

maggie sighed in relief as they pulled into their apartment complex and to their parking spot.

spencer got out and opened her car door for her. maggie got out and grabbed his hand. the two walk into their apartment holding hands but once inside maggie dropped his hand.

“i am gonna go take a bath,” she said heading to the bathroom.

spencer’s eyes followed her with worry.

“maggie? i-”

“spencer. it’s ok. i know. i get it. we will do anything for those we love. i love you too.”

maggie walked over to spencer and pulled him down into a deep asking kiss - he tasted of ice cream sandwiches and bewilderment - suddenly recklessly eager she increased the heat - tangling her fingers in his hair - her eyes drifted shut and then … and then … all she could see was foyet standing over the bloody spencer from her nightmare … she pushed away.

“bath. gonna have that bath.”

spencer’s brain was gooey from the kiss as she staggered away from him so he simply nodded and went to their room to change and set out pajamas for maggie to change into after the bath.

maggie looked at herself in the mirror.

she bit her bottom lip so hard that a red line of blood started to trickle down her chin

foyet was behind her,

she knew she was hallucinating but that was almost as horrible than if he were there - maybe it was worse than him being there in the flesh - you can hit - scratch - bite - kick a man… but what can you do to a grizzly figment of a broken mind

enough.

. she opened the cabinet behind the mirror and grabbed her most recent pill bottle. looking at the bottle she opened it and poured a two pills into her hand. the number she was supposed to take. she could do this.

she swallowed the pills dry.

waited a beat.

then another.

foyet just laughed.

she took a deep breath and tipped a few more into her hand.

six more pills

that should do it.

the brunette turned on the sink and got a cup of water.

she took a drink of water - thinking about whether or not she she take the meds

foyet just pulls out his knife and licks it

his tongue bleeds in a river that would drown the single rivulet of blood that had snaked its way down her chin.

maggie takes the pills.

she closes her eyes.

counts to 10.

foyet is gone.

she moved as if in a dream to start the water for her bath

her mind started to wander.

the only way the hallucinations will leave is if she was gone.

she reaches under the sink - there is a single razor hidden in what looks like an unopened box of tampons - the last one she had kept - a way to prove to herself that she was stronger than the voices in her brain

she placed it on the sink before looking in the mirror.

“i am sorry spencer”

maggie took off her dress and her fishnets. she took off her bra and panties as her vision started to blur.

her unfocused eyes wandered to the blade on the sink

the hallucinations continued to get louder and louder - she could hear foyet’s voice scraping against the inside of her brain.

she picked up the razor and got into the tub.

her fingers grazed the edge of the blade.

she made a noise as it cut her but it was not because it hurt.

she made the noise because she liked how it felt.

the brunette took a few breaths murmuring more apologies to spencer as she slid the blade down her arm.

the blood began to trickle down her skin before she moved to her other arm.

when the work was done she set the blade down on the edge of the tub and leaned back.

maggie felt calm as the water began to turn a crimson red with her blood

she heard a knock on the door

but it was too late.

too late.

🖤🖤🖤

spencer was sure he had just heard a muffled cry - so he knocked on the bathroom door to check on maggie

he flashed back to early days when he had done this so many times before,

this time he got no response.

he knocked frantically one more time.

nothing.

“I am coming in!”

by this time maggie had already begun to slip in and out of consciousness. spencer opened the door and cried out at the sight in front of him. he quickly moved to the tub and pulled maggie into his arms. he grabbed the towels that were on the rack and pushed them to the cuts to try and stop the bleeding. once he got pressure on the cuts he dialed 911.

“911 what is your emergency,” the operator said

“my name is dr spencer reid, i’m an fbi agent, and my girlfriend maggie hotchner hurt herself. there is a lot of blood. please send help.” he said frantically

“okay, spencer. I am sending a unit out to your address. stay on the line and keep pressure on the wounds. is she awake?” the operator asked, trying to keep spencer calm.

“she is in and out but she is still breathing. please hurry” he said, crying now.

“the unit is about 2 minutes away sir,” the operator said, “is your door unlocked?”

“yes i did not get a chance to lock it when we got home,” he told them

“okay good spencer. just stay with me,” they said

soon enough the officers and paramedics arrived. they had to tear spencer away to help maggie. it took two of them he was so frantic one of the officers tugged spencer to the side

spencer looked at the officer then at maggie. “i can't leave her,” he said

“i am not asking you to but i need to ask you some questions,” the officer told him

spencer nodded, momentarily taking his eyes off his girlfriend. “what do you need to know?”

“do you know what caused this to happen?” the officer asked

“she has been experiencing ptsd symptoms and I just found out she hasn’t been taking her prescribed meds meant to suppress the hallucinations - in the last 48 hours she has been self-medicating with alcohol although i don’t believe she has had any in the last 13 hours at least. we had dinner with her father tonight at a location linked to her trauma and then we… we.. argued” he said his voice a portrait of shame and self-recrimination

one of the paramedics said “we are starting to lose her. we need to do cpr”

spencer moved before he realized it and he was back in the bathroom. he watched as the paramedic that spoke started cpr on maggie.

maggie quickly started to breathe and a mask was put onto her face to ensure that she would not stop again.

the paramedics put her onto a stretcher and moved to take her into the ambulance and spencer - grabbing his coat and on a desperate impulse at the last moment a small box from his desk drawer - was allowed to ride with them to the hospital and stay with maggie until she was wheeled into a treatment room to have her stomach pumped as a precaution since there had been an open bottle of pills by the sink and her wrists stitched. spencer hurried to the lobby so that he could phone, hotch and let him know that maggie was being admitted to the hospital. once hotch was on his way - spencer headed back to wait outside of maggie’s treatment room so he could be with her again as soon as possible - but just then a young security guard stopped him.

“where are you going, sir?”

“my girlfriend is being treated. i’m just going back to wait.”

“only family is allowed back there sir,”

“you don't understand! i am her boyfriend. i was just back there.”

“i am sorry sir but i can not let you through - hospital rules. i can only let the family back there”

“What part of i. am. her. boyfriend. do you not understand? i am the one that called it in for her to be brought here”

spencer’s voice was raised and urgent.

“boyfriend?” a voice said from behind him. it was aaron hotchner.

spencer quickly turned around and looked at aaron face to face. he was lost for words as he looked at maggie's father.

“you called yourself her boyfriend, reid,”

spencer nodded with resignation - this was not how he wanted hotch to find out

“that is right sir. i am her boyfriend,”

“come with me. i am a patient’s father - i assume you’ll let me back there?” aaron said sternly

“yes sir.”

“then let me and him through, i need to talk to him.”

spencer followed aaron, directing him with a few terse words to the waiting area just outside the treatment area he’d been directed

after checking with the nurse to confirm that maggie was indeed still in the treatment area and that there was no additional news on her status, hotch looked at reid and crossed his arms over his chest “since when are you my daughter's boyfriend?” he asked

spencer looked at the ground and shifted his weight nervously “since the day you sent us to the fair. it just happened, sir. it was not planned. we wanted to wait until foyet was gone to see if there was really something between us but it just happened” he said

aaron shook his head, sighing angrily. “when were you guys going to tell me? you were at my house for dinner and did not say a damn word about it.”

“i was waiting until maggie was ready to tell you, sir” spencer whispered

“reid look at me.”

spencer moved his gaze from the floor to hotch's face biting his lip nervously

“i am not mad but i just don't understand why you guys did not tell me. i knew it was going to happen eventually.” aaron said softly

spencer sighed with relief after hearing what hotch said but suddenly the weight of the little box in his pocket felt heavy. he shoved his hand in his pocket and fidgeted with it. the box held his mom's wedding ring, he had asked for it a while back because he had known from day one maggie was the one he wanted to marry.

“hotch, I have a question,” he said softly.

aaron looked at spencer and nodded for him to go on.

“look this is an awful time - but if - when - she is ok - I was wondering if I could…um…have your blessing?”

aaron stared at him for a long moment, the thought of anyone marrying his little girl… made his protective side that was already screaming at him because his baby was on the other side of that door having who knows what done to her to save her life started to howl.

“no.” he finally replied, his tone sharp.

spencer looked taken aback and hurt. “no?” he asked with his voice shaking. “why no?”

“just take my answer and drop it. i am not going to change it, reid” aaron said keeping his tone sharp

spencer just nodded and he took his hand out of his pocket. the weight of the box was still noticeable in his pocket but he knew it had to wait.

“will you see if they will let us see her now?” spencer asked softly

aaron simply nodded before going to the nurses’ station. he talked to them before waving spencer to follow him.

the two males walked in silence to maggie's room. she was no longer in the emergency room and was in an actual room. she was asleep on the bed with her arms bandaged up with a bag of blood attached to it in her arm. she looked pale and truly like she had been hit by a truck

spencer instantly moved to maggie's side and sat in the chair next to the bed. he took her hand in his before bringing it to his lips kissing it. maggie didn’t stir.

“i am so sorry maggie. i wish i had caught it sooner. i should have never fought with you tonight” he mumbled into her hand as tears fell down his face.

aaron watched spencer as he took his seat on the opposite side of the bed. he looked at his daughter full of worry.

“do you know what happened to her, reid?” he asked

“maggie has been struggling a lot with what happened to her because of foyet. she was starting to do better but something happened at the fair. foyet threatened us that he was watching. i was threatened in person and he called her with the threat. when we got home everything was fine until her nightmares started again. they made her spiral out of control. she had taken a brand new bottle of whiskey and drank it in a day. i found her this morning in the armchair with her gun and the empty bottle on the coffee table. yesterday i learned that she had stopped taking her medication for her ptsd.” spencer said looking at aaron

aaron looked shocked at the information he was given. “why did you not tell me any of this?” he asked

“maggie and i did not want to tell you or the about the threat until we knew for sure that it was real - and well i guess neither of us wanted it to be real. as for maggie's issues, since she was attacked by foyet, she did not want you to know - she begged me not to tell you. i honestly thought i had it under control.” spencer confessed

aaron shook his head. “i could have helped her. she just needed to open up to me. she used to tell me everything”

spencer nodded and said, “i know she did but trauma changes people, hotch.”

aaron understood that all too well. after his attack, he had shut down as well. he assumed maggie learned that from him.

the doctor came in and looked at the two males. “mr. hotchner?”

aaron stood up and spoke, “yes sir?”

“your daughter is lucky to be alive right now. not only did she lose a lot of blood but we found a high dan antipsychotic in her system.” the doctor said.

spencer looked at the doctor and said “she said those meds did not work”

“well, we found a high dose in her system. we are currently flushing it out of her system” the doctor commented before looking over maggie's chart one more time. “we are going to keep her overnight. visiting hours will be over in a few hours. you both can stay until they are over.”

spencer made a noise of discomfort at the thought of leaving maggie alone in the hospital. what if she woke up to him not being there. she and he had been together every day since she was found at hotch's house handcuffed to the desk. he would not be able to sleep without her in his apartment “visiting hours?” he asked softly

“yes sir. visiting hours are over at 10 pm” the doctor said

aaron looked at the doctor “okay will you let us have our time with her then” he said

the doctor nodded and took his leave

spencer looked at aaron biting his lip. “i can't leave her alone. not with foyet still out there. she would kill me.” he said

aaron nodded softly “i am going to make a call to get some officers to stand guard outside her door in case we are forced to leave. it is just a precautionary measure. if we have to, we will show our badges.” aaron told him before stepping out of the room to make the call

spencer looked back to maggie holding her hand tightly. he moved his other hand to move a stray curl out of her face and rubbed his thumb across her cheek. “oh, maggie, why didn’t you let me help you?” he murmured. he continued to watch over her with tears falling. “please don't leave me. I can't live without you”

maggie couldn’t open her eyes due to her loss of blood and the pain medication she was given but she heard everything spencer was staying so she gave his hand a weak squeeze to let him know she was still there.

spencer felt the squeeze and started to cry more. he was so worried about her that it was killing him to see her like this. “i am not leaving your side. they will have to force me out before i leave,” he whispered to her

that made maggie's mouth turn to a slight smile before she winced. she had heard that some people were angry when they woke up saved from a suicide attempt…but she had not meant it…she had just wanted the hallucinations to go away - not die - how could she have been so stupid and selfish? now she just wanted to wipe his tears away and tell him she was sorry.

“please don't strain yourself, baby. i understand. you just rest. i will be here when you wake up.” he murmured rubbing her cheek one more time before using his hand to take out the little box in his pocket. he looked at it before opening it. inside was his mother's wedding ring. he remembered how when he asked for it the last time he had seen his mom - she was glad he found someone special but only gave it to him with the agreement that he would bring maggie to meet her as soon as humanly possible.

he bit his lip thinking about his mother and maggie meeting.

maggie made a small grumble to try to talk. she was supposed to be resting. the effort was enough to strain herself and cause her heart rate to spike.

her doctor came into the room and looked at spencer “i need you to leave for a moment.” he said before investigating the cause of maggie's rapid heart rate.

“i am not leaving her alone,” spencer said looking at the doctor

aaron peeked into the room and came in. “spencer come here, i need to talk to you,” he said softly, placing his hand on the other man’s shoulder.

spencer looked at aaron worried. “i can't leave her,”

“the doctor will keep her safe but i need to talk to you now,” aaron said

spencer sighed and nodded walking out of the room with aaron.

once they were out of the room spencer turned to aaron with a small huff.

aaron disregarded the huff and spoke, “i heard what you were saying to maggie, was it all true?”

spencer nodded and moved to wipe his face finally aware of the tears that had fallen. “they were all true. i can't live without her. i have known her for several years and we have been living together for 6 months. i know we just started to date but if foyet was not still out there i would have asked her out sooner.” he said

aaron nodded while listening to spencer speak about his daughter and their love. “how long have you known that you loved her?”

spencer answered almost immediately, “since the day we met. i was scared to tell her every time we saw each other. i did not want to ruin my friendship with her. she was constant in my life after gideon left the bau.”

aaron thought about his previous conversation with spencer about his blessing and started to believe he was a little too harsh. “spencer. you have my blessing,” he said, looking him in the eyes seriously.

spencer looked at aaron in shock. “i have your blessing?” he asked

aaron gave his signature small smile and nodded “you have my blessing to marry my daughter - not that she or you needs it. you know she would talk about you a lot during our visits in the years she has known you. she never mentioned you by name but i always had a feeling it was you. and blessing or no… you’d have asked her anyway?”

spencer smiled widely and teared up again “yeah. i would have. thank you so much hotch. you won't regret this. i promise you that”

meanwhile, in maggie's room, the doctor got her heart rate to stabilize. a nurse walked in to check her iv and the doctor left for a moment. the nurse removed their mask and it was foyet. he went to maggie's bedside and looked at her. he moved some hair out of her face smiling.

“my precious little maggie elizabeth hotchner. how i love you so.” he said softly

maggie shifted slightly in her sleep and groaned

foyet watched her for a moment before leaning down and kissing her forehead. “i love you, maggie. stay safe for we will be meeting again soon” he said before putting his mask back on and leaving.

when spencer and aaron reentered the room, maggie's eyes were open. she looked at her boyfriend and father, smiling weakly. “hey, you two” she whispered, not having her voice fully yet.

spencer and aaron both took their seats back at opposite sides of the bed.

aaron smiled at her softly before speaking “how are you feeling, mint?”

maggie left out a small chuckle “like death if I am being completely honest with you, dad.” she said

aaron nodded and looked at spencer “i am gonna let you two have some time alone. i am gonna get some coffee.” he said before leaving

spencer watched aaron leave before looking at maggie lovingly. he was very aware of the weight in his pocket again. “hey princess. i missed that smile of yours” he whispered

maggie blushed softly and smiled. “are you okay spencer?” she asked

“i am now that you are awake,” he said, messing with the box in his pocket with his free hand.

“i want to say i am sorry,” she said

spencer stopped her “you don't have to be sorry. it made me realize something.” he said, moving to the ground and getting on one knee. “maggie elizabeth hotchner, my m&m, my princess, i learned i can not live without you. it is worse than death. you are my everything. so will you do me the honors of marrying me?” he began again pulling out the ring.

[1000roughdrafts]

Baby Winchester 2021

A/N: gift fic for @rileynicole1967. Merry Christmas! Thank you for being such a huge supporter, and for all of your kind words. I hope you like it. I dont have a laptop anymore so this is posted from my phone, hope the format is alright.

Summary: Reader finds out she's pregnant, and tells Dean in a cute way.

Warnings: fluff, puking, pregnancy, mention of sex, a tiny bit of angst but youd have to really watch for it.

W/C: 1.5k

This is also kind of a fix it fic for the season finale but I warped the time to be close to Christmas.

Excusing yourself from Thanksgiving dinner, after taking a bite of a meal your boyfriend spent hours to prepare, almost made you feel as horrible as the realization that the spontaneous sickness was accompanied by an AWOL period.

You let it slide, blaming the uneasy feeling on those intrusive thoughts, the worries that slip in and mix with hopes, turning into an anxious dream. A dream that involved having a family with Dean.

While you never had that whole marriage and kids conversation with him, you know that somewhere deep inside of him is a craving to nurture and care for a child of his own.

The way he talked about his past with Lisa and Ben was one giveaway, but when the two of you had sex he was careless, and so were you. One of you would courteously offer up the use of a condom, while the other would hear the suggestion with one ear, muttering an "oh, yeah, we probably should," between kisses, but the intention was already lost on the both of you. 

It was like under the surface of "we can't have a kid, we're hunters,"there was a shared hope that maybe it would just happen, and it would become part of the challenges you take on in day to day life. Wouldn't really even be much of a challenge, other than keeping the kid safe, but what safer of a place than a bunker?

You'd be lying if you said you hadn't considered the thought, even if just for a daydream. It was a scary thought, raising a baby in this world, let alone in your world, but regardless, you wanted it. 

Five days from Christmas, another period hadn't come. Sitting on the toilet you cover your eyes with your hands, pressing a bit deeper than you should, hardly able to control the bounce in your leg. On the floor in front of you is a pregnancy test, your heart racing too fast for you to watch it as it decides your future. 

The confliction you feel is enough on its own. The one hand, excitement, the other, fear; a hope for both positive and negative to show up on that little stick. 

Thinking back on the symptoms you'd read online they all seemed to line up with normal PMS symptoms. Your breasts were sore and heavy, but you've never examined them enough to know if they're really changing. You've been nauseous, even puking, but often that's not outside of PMS either. The only thing that really screamed 'pregnant' was your two missed periods… until you open your eyes to a test with two pink lines. 

With shaky hands you bend forward to pick it up, feeling like every sense has been numbed and magnified at once, like your eyes are playing tricks on you. Your body throws out a nervous chuckle, re-reading the test like you're studying for a final before allowing yourself to actually smile. Panic and excitement fills you but you ride out the high, allowing it to consume you for a moment before planning your next move. 

Slipping the test in your bra between your breasts, you throw the box it came in into an empty metal trash bin, setting it on fire to hide the evidence. Dean will find out eventually, but it has to be perfect. 

You already had a world of ideas on how to tell him, and with Christmas just days away, the perfect time. You drive to the craft store to see what you could put together. 

Walking down the aisle you turn to another and see blank christmas ornaments to decorate. Something inside of you screams, thousands of images popping into your head of what you could do with some paint and an ornament. Grabbing a present shaped ornament you head over to the paint section. You pick up a couple small gift bags and stuffing paper. 

Leaving the bag in your car, you walk through the door to see the boys are decorating the bunker with random strings of light and tinsel. 

"Looks great," you smile "now all we need is a tree." 

"Well now that you're home we can go get one," Dean smiles, walking over to kiss you on the cheek. 

You drove to all of the lots in Lebanon, all of which sold out of their best trees and left with the charlie brown's. Both Sam and Dean turned to you at each one with questions in their eyes, and you'd just shake your head. There's no way you'd let a three foot tree sit in a building as beautiful as the bunker. You'd find the perfect one, it just needed to take some time. That's when Dean suggested a different place. 

He drove the three of you to a secluded woods, opening the trunk for a saw. 

With wide eyes and a hidden smile, you jump out, Sam following. 

"You're gonna cut one down?" you laugh. 

Dean shrugs, lifting the saw to examine it. Smiling, he looks at Sam, "give me a hand with this will you?" he says, nodding to the other saw that sits in the trunk. 

While the boys decorated the tree, you found it the perfect opportunity to sneak away and decorate your ornament. You slip into your car for the bag and run to a room you could lock, starting right away.

On Christmas morning, Dean woke you with a warm homemade peppermint mocha. The things that man could do in the kitchen made your head spin, or maybe it was the little life growing inside of you that made you so dizzy. 

You hurriedly set the coffee on the nightstand and run to the bathroom, puking up the sweet, peppermint dream in moments. 

Dean is quick to your side, kneeling down with his hand on your back, rubbing comforting circles. 

"Are you okay?" he asks, and you can only nod. "Was it too much peppermint?"

You shake your head with a chuckle, wiping your lips with toilet paper before spitting into the toilet and flushing it all away. 

"No, the coffee is great," you smile, turning to rinse your mouth out and brush your teeth, "I just don't think I ate enough yesterday," you say, mouth full of toothpaste but knowing it will be the last lie you have to tell him about the showing symptoms. 

You walk out and accompany them as Sam pulls a gift from the tree and hands it to Dean. Dean smiles as you go to sit next to him. 

"Oh!" you say with your best attempt at faking surprise, "I forgot an ornament" you say, barely able to conceal your smile. 

You pull it from your pocket and hand it to Dean, stifling a giggle. 

He smiles, "sure thing," he says, reaching for it. 

It takes him a few steps to look at it, but even with his back turned to you you know when he reads it. He freezes, staring down at the golden letters that read: Baby Winchester 2021. 

"What?" he says, whipping around to face you, and you just smile. Sam is alert, looking up from his phone as if Dean's voice startled him into the moment. Dean's face is tense, but he relaxes it to a smile, "what?"he says again, more excitedly, "are you serious?" he says in a laugh. 

Sam stands and walks to Dean's side, reading the ornament over his shoulder, "no way!" he smiles. 

You laugh, standing to grab the gift bag from under the tree with the test in it. 

"I'm serious," you say, giving him the little gift bag. 

Dean pulls the test out, Sam still at his side and when he looks at those little pink lines his face flushes, tears in the corners of his eyes threaten to come down. Sam is quick to run to you, wrapping you in a bear hug, saying congratulations before both of you have your arms wrapped around Dean. 

There's silence for a moment, and you know what it means just by looking in their eyes. In their minds, just last week they were fighting mime vampires, the hunt almost getting away with Dean's life had he not missed the nail in the wall and fell backwards instead, and this week, they're expecting a baby. A baby in a world with vampires, and ghosts, and creatures that want you all dead. 

You break the silence, "I know," you say almost somberly. 

"What are we gonna do?" Dean asks, fear in his voice. 

"We're gonna do what we always do. We're gonna keep fighting, but now, we'll be fighting for this little guy," you say, hand around your stomach. 

Dean wipes the tear from his eye before it can hit his cheek and wraps his arms around you in a hug, Sam joining in shortly after in an embrace you wish you could stay in forever. 

Sure, it's going to be difficult raising a baby in a hunter family, but with these two goons by your side, you wouldn't have it anyway else. 

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[elirandom]

I woke up on the wrong side today. I've been tired & cranky all day. Having to pick up my lawnmower at the mechanic was enough imo, having to actually be social & wish my brother's wife happy birthday (I think sister in law could be correct?) was too much. But it's been raining all day so that's a relief after yesterday's 35°C / 95F. It's 10 pm & it feels much later, my mind's been like a rat in a maze & I think I'm sad after this brilliant book I read. [deletes ramblings on books vs fanfics & different goals with one's reading].

Once again my brain on vacation & it starts looking over at fic & writing again. Currently thinking about posting my NCIS:LA fic on AO3. I haven't posted fic in years, & ouat a reader asked to post (the parts I posted on Dreamwidth yearss ago) on AO3 & like an asshole I never did because I only want to post finished stuff on The Archive (emphasis mine) (I'm an old school idiot, ik). But I've been writing it on & off for years. Otoh, not having anyone to discuss specific fandom fic with & writing in a void when you haven't for yearssss makes you self-conscious whether it's the characters anymore. I've never written for an audience or had ficwriters to discuss it with but posting right after your write it is easier. In a live fandom is even easier because the characters are fresh in your mind. Now it's been what, 10 years? And I have no idea if I still have a voice even resembling them. A lovely beta checked it over for the worst grammatical faults but she's barely any idea who the characters are.

We'll see what happens tomorrow, now I've decided to have a glass of wine, re-watch some 9-1-1 & eat a bunch of snacks. I don't think re-watching Criminal Minds is gonna cheer me up lol. If I could re-watch NCIS:LA somewhere I might be more positively inclined to take the AO3 leap. And I still have that werewolf wip Sam/G saved that I loved what I wrote but have absolutely no idea where to go with. I just love the snippet but it's dead in the water.

[fruitcoops]

I NEED TO SEE THAT LUPIN VS GREYBACK FIGHT HOLY SHIT THE WOLF IS A N G R Y ALSO- sirius’s reaction after the game 😏 maybe if you feel comfy with that if not it’s fine i just feel like sirius would go buck wild if he saw remus fight lmao. o r——— remus being vv bossy and dominating and- you get the idea lmfao. work your magic, love, ill love it regardless of what you do with it ❤️

Anon, this ask made me laugh so much when I first saw it. If anyone has computer skills, please record a live reading of this and send it to me so I can giggle for all eternity. I love you.

As requested, Sirius’ POV! It’s almost 2k words again and some of the dialogue is the same as Remus’ POV, but since he was in an......unreliable headspace the first time around there have been some changes. I hope you like it! Credit for Coops/ Sweater Weather goes to our savior @lumosinlove

TW for a panic attack, fistfighting, and scabs/ bruises/ minor blood

Sirius was so gone for Remus Lupin it wasn’t even funny. The whole game, he had been a force to be reckoned with on the ice as he dodged checks and slammed two goals in without breaking a sweat. Remus had gone to bed anxious and awoken with a determined set to his mouth that was incredibly attractive, though Sirius had been unable to properly appreciate it at the time.

Then Leo got hit, hit by Greyback of all people.

Sirius hesitated at first, torn between rushing to Leo’s side or going to beat the living shit out of Greyback for what he did. Finn crossed the ice with Talker and Kuny on his heels and they carefully pried Leo off the posts—oh, god, he looked like he was in so much pain—while a flash of black and furious red slammed Greyback down. Remus?

Greyback seemed too shocked to fight back as Remus landed hit after hit on him, pinning him to the ground with one hand wrenching the front of his jersey until it nearly tore. Sirius had made the foolish mistake of thinking yesterday’s emotional breakdown would be the end of his nerves, but no; no, this was the culmination of years of looming terror.

By the time Sirius got his arms around Remus and tried to pull him off, Greyback was a wreck. His lips was split and both eyes were already swelling with purple-black bruises as he stared up in shock. “Let go!” Sirius shouted over the stadium noise. “Re, you have to let him go or you’ll get in trouble!”

“—fucking let me go—”

“Stop it, this isn’t you!”

“—if you even breathe on them again—”

“Remus, sweetheart, that’s enough!” Sirius heaved backward and Remus came with him, writhing in his hold like a cornered wildcat. His threats were low enough that Sirius could only make out every third word, but the pure, unbridled venom in his voice was palpable. “Just—just stop fighting me, love. You have to breathe, Remus, take a deep breath.”

“Get off me, I’m not done with him yet,” he spat, struggling to break free. Remus was strong, but Sirius was stronger—his arms didn’t budge as he leaned back against the boards and nearly lifted Remus off the ice.

“Yes, you are. Leo’s going to be fine.” Sirius grunted as one of Remus’ sharp elbows caught him in the side. “Greyback’s going to get kicked out but you need to stop.”

Remus’ sudden weight as he slumped was a surprise; Sirius nearly dropped him. His whole body shook for a second and he grasped at Sirius’ hands. “Leo—around the goal post—“

Sirius wasn’t entirely sure what reassurances came out of his mouth, but they must have been good enough, because Remus listed to the side and stopped thrashing entirely. “Lupin!” Coach barked as Sirius pulled him off the ice. Please don’t be angry, please don’t be angry. “What the hell were you doing out there?”

“ ‘m sorry, so sorry, Coach,” Remus wheezed, leaning all his weight into Sirius, who scrambled to catch him. His face had gone from flushed to alabaster pale, almost gray in the bright lights. His pupils were so dilated there was barely any of the warm amber Sirius’ loved around the edges and every breath was shallow. “Fuck, wasn’t thinking, ‘m sorry.”

Coach visibly rocked backward, his gaze flickering to Sirius’ face. “Alright, Lupin, why don’t you head back into the locker room for a bit. Black, make sure he’s okay.”

Thank you, Sirius mouthed as he wrapped one of Remus’ arms around his neck. Coach nodded silently and he felt his eyes follow them as they headed for the tunnel. “You’re okay, sweetheart, just hang on for a moment—”

Remus mumbled something and dropped like a stone.

Sirius’ knees smarted with pain as they hit the ground, but he was too consumed with Remus to focus on that. He couldn’t seem to decide what to do with his hands, grasping and grabbing at the walls blindly. “Remus, look at me. Come on, you’re okay, just open your eyes.”

“Bad. This feels bad ohmygodIhithim.”

“You did—”

“Sirius.” His voice cracked and Sirius’ heart broke. “Sirius, I hit him. ‘m not scared, just angry.”

“I think you’re a lot of things right now,” Sirius murmured under his breath. “Can you open your eyes for me, love?” Remus sucked in a few harsh breaths as tears slipped down his cheeks, but soon frightened amber met grey and Sirius reached out to hold his arms. “It’s just us right now. We’re in the tunnel.”

“So much happening. Can’t stop shaking.”

“I know, Remus, just take your time. Let it out. I love you so much, you know that? You’re okay now and you can just hang on to me. I’ve got you.”

“Why do I feel like this?” he asked in little more than a whisper as he desperately reached out for Sirius.

“You just worked through a lot of trauma in under a minute, honey.”

“It is, it really is.” Sirius frowned; he started to wonder what Remus was talking about when he began…laughing? He was laughing. Okay. That was new. It wasn’t really laughing, just short, broken-off wheezes that were a cruel imitation of the little down-up that happened when Remus read a funny passage in a book or Sirius made a pun.

And then he cried, and cried, and cried.

So Sirius held him.

“I hate him, and I feel better,” Remus mumbled into his shoulder on the tail end of a heaving exhale. It was the first coherent thing he’d said since the ice.

“Ride it out, sweetheart, you can do this.” Sirius pressed a kiss into his hair as cold hands tangled in his jersey and strong shoulders shook. The guilt was eating him alive—how could he have missed this last night? Just how long had Remus been bottling this up?

“Pads?”

Sirius looked up at the end of the tunnel but never relinquished his hold. “Hey, Pots.”

James’ eyes flickered once to Remus and his heartbreak was clear. He had always been an open book like that. “How is he?”

A pause. “He’ll be better soon. We’re just gonna head home, I think. Any news on Leo?”

“Bruised ribs, no major damage.” James raked a hand through his sweaty hair. “Three weeks and he’ll be good as new. I’ll let the guys know you left, alright? Do you need a ride?”

“I’ve got it, but thank you.”

“Sirius.” Remus’ strangled voice made them both wince and Sirius rubbed his back gently as the sobs abated into trembling breaths.

“Keep me updated?” James asked, resting one careful hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“I will.”

“Drive safe, Sirius.” And then it was just the two of them, twisted together as Remus slowly came back to himself.

Sirius didn’t say much as he led Remus to the car, both in their socks with their skates in his other hand. The drive home was quiet; Remus curled up against the window and closed his eyes immediately. The worst of it was behind them.

Even Hattie seemed to understand something was wrong, because she nuzzled Sirius’ thigh once and licked Remus’ hand before laying down in her bed and watching them leave. “Good girl,” he said softly.

Remus managed to get two whole buckles undone on his pads before Sirius stepped in with careful fingers and lifted the heavy gear away. The scabs and bruises on his knuckles had been hard to see in the darkness of the tunnel, but they were stark in the gentle light of their bedroom. Sirius took his hands and stepped into the shower, then turned the water on hot.

A slow ripple worked its way down Remus’ back as the steam rose and fogged up the mirror. Sirius reached for a bar of soap—not mine, he says it’s toothpaste on steroids—and smoothed the suds down his spine. “Is this okay?” he asked as the muscle jumped under his touch.

Remus sighed. “Yeah, it’s good.”

He worked his way up to his shoulder blades. “Are you okay?”

There were a few heartbeats of comfortable silence before Remus spoke again. “I think so? I feel lighter. I don’t know yet. Did I scare you?” His voice was fragile, but not laced with panic, just exhaustion.

“What?” Sirius laughed a little in surprise. Of course he scared him, what kind of question was that?

“Your voice was shaking when you pulled me away. I was worried.”

You were having the worst panic attack of your life and you were worried about me. Sirius’ knees nearly gave out with how much love flooded through his body. “You scared me a little, yeah, but mostly because you didn’t seem like you,” he admitted, sliding his hand up to wash the nape of Remus’ neck. He had been so tense on the ice, so viciously angry and vengeful in a way that Sirius would have never expected. He spat and snarled and flailed like he was going to die if Sirius held him a second longer.

“You were fighting me like I was going to hurt you, and then in the tunnel you just kind of dropped. I was expecting something to happen once the adrenaline wore off, but it was really fast.” He poured some shampoo into his palm and began working it through Remus’ curls.

“It felt fast. That’s nice.” Damp, soapy skin slid against his chest as Remus leaned into him, then turned to face him. His face was cast in shades of pink and gold again, and his eyes went soft as he looked at Sirius. “Hey.”

The breath rushed from his lungs. “Hey.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Do not cry, do not cry, nobody else gets to cry tonight.

“Are you…using my soap?”

“It does have an intense smell.” Remus looked up at him and smiled. “You make it work.”

“Thanks?”

The pre-laugh hiccup made the lump in Sirius’ throat return and he closed his eyes against the burn, only for a feather-light kiss to touch his nose and make him freeze. One pressed to his left cheekbone, then his right, then one to his jawline, and finally, finally, the lingering pressure of Remus’ lips on his own. Lean, strong arms settled over his shoulders and Sirius held his hips like the world would come crashing down if he let go.

“Are you ready to go to bed?” he asked, leaning in once more.

A wry smile, one that was so Remus it hurt, flickered over his features. “I’m not tired yet.”

“Okay.”

And as Remus dragged him into the bedroom by the hands, laughing at Sirius’ antics and lighting the whole damn place up with his smile, Sirius knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life right here. 

[isuspectyouhavefantheories]

Search for the Sun 🌞

So this is Part 2 of “the Sun” series.

Part 1 found : https://isuspectyouhavefantheories.tumblr.com/post/640838971892662272/the-crossroads-to-the-sun here!

Ok so, NSFW, I can’t figure out how to make this appear shorter or have it appear under the cut cus mobile Tumblr sucks eggs. You heard me.

Takemura/Female V fic

Rated MA, for mature, sexual themes, read at own risk.

—————————————-

Somewhere in the Mojave....

“We need a new carburettor for this thing V and someone’s gonna have to re-solder this whole board before we can even do that! We aren’t going to be getting our cargo vans very far like.” Saul sighed, closing the hood of the large van with a heavy thud as he wiped the grease and dust from his hands. His expression was his usual deeply worried frown and she noticed how even as he wiped his hands clean they remained oil stained and grubby. He’d been toiling over engines all day, putting one fire out after another.

“I’ll see what Mitch and I can do but it’s gonna take a little while. We’re already trying to get a handle on repairs to the solar panels and honestly that’s the thing I want to make sure we have fixed before night fall. We can stop for the night, recuperate.” She gave him a pointed look that he only waived off. “I’ll fix up the vans in the morning and we can get going after. We have some time before the next storm, quit your worrying.” V offered, punching his arm lightly, Saul only smiled in return.

“How’d you end up being my second in command? I thought that was supposed to be Panam?” He chuckled.

“She’s got her hands full at the moment.”

“With?”

“Dick.”

Saul balked at her and V only waggled her eyebrows, nodding her head in the direction of a lightly rocking AV on the outskirts of camp.

“Incidentally, his name is also Dick.” She chuckled.

“God damnit, PANAM!” She watched in mild amusement as Saul stormed away toward the aforementioned vehicle to reprimand his second for her blatant public fornication. So she heaved herself forward, ignoring the mild ache in her body and forcing her legs and arms to continue obeying her. V decided that she would save herself the mental anguish of tangling with the solar grid and get out of camp for an hour at the least. Evidently fighting burning migraines and muscle spasms was trying at the best of times, especially when attempting to keep up with her duties to the clan.

She didn’t want to sit around and be a burden on them, regardless of Saul and Panam’s insistence on her getting more rest. In truth, she loathed inactivity, too much time to start thinking, or worse, listening to Johnny, who was still holding out the hope she was going to turn the clan around and storm Mikoshi instead of this slow shicide she had carved out for herself instead. The twilight hours were the worst, because there was nothing she could do, hours she had spent staring at her tent roof, only to give up and lay under the stars, at least then she had something to occupy her. It had been especially hard the last few nights and she had more than once woken to Saul staring down at her with a worried look she would wave off and tell him that really, she was fine, dusting the sand from her and continuing on with her day at camp.

She admired the location for what it was, they had chosen a decent spot for the camp and they had some useful vantage points. Any Raffen trying to get the jump on them would be in for a surprise, they’d see their asses a mile wide.

She pulled Evelyn’s cigarette case from her utility belt pocket, igniting it with a match she then shook out to extinguish as she breathed a long drag.

“Fuuuck.” Johnny groaned appreciatively.

“You’re welcome.” She laughed as she gazed at the expanse of the desert. It’s wild beauty marred by burnt out car wrecks and pile upon pile of garbage. Her eyes landed on yet another old ruined petrol station. She couldn’t help but let her mind wander back to the week previous. Her night with Takemura had been everything to her. Laying there in his arms, basking in the beautiful aftermath listening to him breath as he slept, watching the steady rise and fall of his partially plated chest. She had wanted nothing more in the world than to just stay there in that abandoned truck stop, for the rest of their lives they could be there and she’d have been the happiest woman alive. But as she stared down at his sleeping face she knew she was living a pipe dream.

He was loyal to the bone to Arasaka. She would never be enough, she could never pry those chains from him. Even knowing what she had told him, about Hanako and Saburo, she imagined he had dusted himself off the next morning and returned to his master tail between his legs like the well trained guard dog they made him into. Why wait until morning to watch him fumble and ruin a perfectly good fuck, one for the history books, by seeing him slink back to the clutches of the Emperor’s family? Just to feel the raw sting of his departure, the rejection in his blind obedience to the people that saw him only as a pawn to be played. No. She decided to rip the proverbial band aid off. She was a quiet and stealthy thief, expertly manoeuvring around him in silence and then pushing her thorton far enough out of ear shot from him then just... driving away. She had to admit, it was shitty. To just leave him there without so much as a goodbye. But she knew if she had waited it would have been another day of trying to convince him to let her go.

Or he might have even managed to convince you to go back to Arasaka.

Johnny’s interjection to her train of thought startled her and she watched him materialise, cigarette in hand, perching with his legs dangling from a delapidated hoodoo rock a few yards in front of her.

“I wouldn’t have gone with him Johnny. I wasn’t going to just let them shred you into bits, fuck man, gotta give me more credit than that.” She was annoyed he could even insinuate such a thing, especially given where they now stood.

“You didn’t take your blockers during your little roll around with Mr Miyagi.” He groaned and her cheeks immediately flushed a deep crimson. “I know you were thinking it for a moment there in the... aftermath.” He sighed, looking down at her from his perch.

He took off his aviators and pursed his lips as if he was about to say something pivotal to the narrative but more than likely just as irritating as his previous comment so he decidedly closed his mouth, thinking better of it and returning his gaze to the endless desert plains. The fact that she could read him so well now was not lost on her.

“I wasn’t going to let them hurt you. Believe it or not you’re my friend, Johnny.” He glanced down at her again and a smile attempted to tug at the corner of his lips but he put his shades back on and coughed into his closed fist to cover it up.

“Well thanks. I guess. Doesn’t matter now anyway. We’re done for as is I suppose.” He breathed out a plume of holographic smoke that seemed to float off into the desert. “But you’re still thinking about him.” He deadpanned, making her sigh in irritation.

“Look.. it just kills me because... Goro was my friend too. And now he’s...” she smoothed her hair back from her face, letting her hand slide to the nape of her neck and head drooping down to look at her weathered and scuffed steel toe boots, her tool belt slung across her hips, held together by the tied sleeves of her blue net running jumpsuit she had to wear half down due to being in the beating sun while working all day. She could see her skin was already blistered with another light sunburn but also some sun freckles newly blooming. Her hands, more calloused and rough now than in her entire career as an amateur merc. She frowned. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’m here now Johnny. I know that I shouldn’t keep living in the past but... let me at least mourn. Please?”

“Alright, alright. I get it. Here, just take some advice from a guy who’s had to... leave behind a few broken hearts in his day. Get drunk. Get fucked. Get angry. Get over it. Always worked for me anyhow.” She rolled her eyes at the rocker boy, letting her hand fall to her side, taking the last drag of her cigarette wasn’t even appealing to her so she quickly flicked it away.

“Aw.” Johnny grumbled. “The cherry is the best bit!” He whined but she ignored him. V made to turn back to the camp but some faint movement along the horizon caught her eye. She pulled out her binoculars and got as close as she could to the slightly glimmering and fast approaching object. Upon closer inspection she realised it was a car. And not just any car.

His car.

She froze, glued to the vehicle rapidly approaching the camp.

What the fuck does he think he’s doing?

-———

He admitted to a small amount of apprehension about this move to approach head on as he pulled up alongside the Basilisk, giving it a long stare and praying silently to whatever gods were out there watching over him that he had found the right Nomad camp this time. He had already had to blast his way out of two raffen pits as of yesterday and wasn’t thrilled about the possibility of having to do so again.

A tap on his car window brought him from his thoughts and he rolled it down.

“What brings you here, friend?” Mitch asked, Saul and Panam on the sidelines, iron at the ready.

“I apologise for the intrusion. I mean you no harm, I am simply attempting to locate someone. A friend.” He explained.

“Who’s your friend?” Saul called after him.

“Her name is V.” The Nomads grew quiet, looking between each other. “Perhaps she has passed by here? Stopped for supplies?”

“Excuse me?” Panam sputtered.

“V doesn’t have ties to Arasaka anymore. Suggest you move on.” Saul moved closer to the car window, pushing past Mitch.

He leaned his arm against the top of the car door frame, letting his revolver rest against it in a menacing if threatening show of dominance. This here was the Aldecaldos stomping ground. And he’d be dead in the ground before he let some corpo asshole get their hands on V. Takemura’s eyes hardened a moment on the large nomad, his hands righting on the wheel now as he internally scanned the area with what limited tech he still had to work with. She searched for her signature but either his implants were all now truly offline or she wasn’t here.

“I am not with Arasaka.” Takemura thought he would feel pain at uttering those words, but if anything, each word made him feel lighter.

“Yeah sure. Just covered in Arasaka cyberware, driving around on Arasaka wheels, wearing a full on uniform for their security detail. Totally.” Panam quipped.

Takemura sighed.

“Anymore.” He amended, but the trio still eyed him sceptically, he felt it best he stayed in the car for now.

“Is she here?” He questioned, quickly surveying the camp to try and find her himself, a small kernel of hope planting in his chest as he looked through the small crowd that had gathered by them, hopeful to catch a glimpse of her but Saul’s hand reached out for him roughly, pulling him up to the open window by the front of his shirt with a resounding clunk.

“I don’t know what you’re playing at here but if you think for a second I’m just gonna let you-.”

“Saul. Stop. It’s cool.” Takemura’s head whipped over Saul’s shoulder to the source of the voice. His heart clenched painfully upon seeing V finally.

She was a vision. Almost like a beautiful mirage that had been conjured up by the desert heat and his possible dehydration but upon closer inspection he knew it had to be her. Her every freckle and scar burned into his memory, he would know here anywhere, even caked in soot and sand.

“V, come on, we don’t even know if he’s got people tailing him. We’ve already got our hands full with Militech for Christ’s sake, let’s not go adding to that pile.” Saul glared down, unconvinced by Takemura’s own words.

“I wouldn’t be saying this if I thought he was a danger. He’s not. Please just let me talk to him.” Saul groaned but he made the mistake of meeting her gaze and knew there was no telling her no so he released Goro and opened the door to the car.

“Out. Follow her.” Saul grumbled, hand still leaning against the top of the door, but before Takemura could step out funny a strong hand clamped down on his shoulder. “Try and pull any funny shit though and I’ll drop your ass myself. No hesitation.” Takemura hadn’t realised just how big Saul was before but did not let that deter him.

“I will be sure to keep it in mind.” Goro responded in an uninterested tone, not really registering him, only focusing on V, before quickly making his way to her side. He reached out for her but she had already turned away and was walking up to a trailer, ascending a small flight of stairs before reaching the screen door. She threw him a look over her shoulder and motioned with her head for him to follow.

—————-

Once inside the privacy of the trailer V rounded on him, her eyes filled with confusion and anger.

“What the fuck, Goro?” She hissed. “Why are you here?”

He swallowed thickly, never realising that even through all his fighting to get back to her side, he had never even put his reasoning into words. And he had always had a defined reason for everything he did, it was something he was fucking known for. But now, standing here he couldn’t even begin to rationalise any of his actions, only that being here now already felt more right than anything in his life ever had. He opened and closed his mouth like a gaping fish. She noticed his silence but was quickly distracted by his haggard appearance. Her eyes widened however at the lack of the dim lights on his cybernetics.

She reached for him cautiously, her fingertips brushing against the red outer wiring of his throat that no longer glowed with the hum of electronics and now simply shined in the dim light, essentially now just useless plastic.

“Your implants...” she whispered, tracing her finger down the line of the metal overlay of his neck and to the edge of his jaw, Goro watching her every motion with laser focus. “Why are they..?”

“They were deactivated when I failed to return a few days ago.” he wanted to reach for her, to touch her, that’s all he’s thought about day and night since she left him. “I was starting to think I was going to die out there before I found you.” He chuckled softly yet he inwardly savoured how close she was, her scent, near unchanged since their night together. The scent was now infused with a small background of motor oil now that clingged to her hands but it was strangely fitting for her.

“Why?” She whispered angrily at him, her eyes burning with unshed tears.

He raised his own hand now to weave with hers, holding it to his heart as he stared down at her with so much sureness, so much care and devotion that she felt unworthy.

“I defected, V.” Her eyes widened at him but still she said nothing. “I am... I can’t go back. If you only have a short time left, then... there isn’t anywhere else I want to be. I want to be here with you, I don’t want to miss a second of you ever again. I-.” He closed his eyes, terrified to see her reaction but was nearly sent spinning as she thrust herself without warning at him, her arms suddenly wrapping around his shoulders. His own arms instinctively wrapped around her, returning the embrace yet part of him still feared the worst.

Did she pity him? Is that why she said nothing? Was this her letting him down gently? She was always too kind for her own good.

“Goro... oh my god.” She breathed against him and he tightened his grip around her burying his face in her neck, breathing her in deeply. Feelings of peace, serenity, a meaning in his life he had been searching for ever since he escaped the slaughter house of Chiba-11. He thought that meaning was to serve those who had uplifted him from that barbaric place. But they didn’t save him. They used him.

It was this tiny trembling powerhouse of a woman that barrel assed her way into his life and irrevocably entangled herself with him, she had been the one who reignited his purpose. Opened his eyes and never lied to him. She had never left him behind. Only when she thought he was truly beyond her reach did she finally resign herself to letting him go.

But now, in the security of her arms, he knew he was never going to let that happen again.

“I can’t believe I finally found you...” he breathed, letting the feeling of her arms around him be engraved deeply in his heart, the lines on his face began slowly relaxing as he stroked the dip of her back gently.

V finally looked up at him and he swiped away some stray tears from her slightly flushed cheeks with a curled finger before caressing them in his hand fully. He stared down at her with an adoration she had never imagined him capable of, it felt to her as though she had never been truly seen before now and could only grasp his outstretched arm and reach for the back of his head pulling his face closer to hers when he finally moved forward, reuniting her lips with his in a passionate kiss. Her fingertips grazed over his jaw lightly, drawing a sigh from him and letting it meld into the kiss as he tried desperately to hold her closer.

She pulled back from him but his lips trailed after hers again, loathed to be parted from her just yet, but she placed two fingers on his lips to halt his pursuit and worry shot through him again.

“I think we should explain to the clan before Saul comes in here and decks you.” She chuckled, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek sweetly and he leaned into her touch, the sudden panic receeding, before smiling back at her and nodding. She made to move to the door, hand already pulling the handle open when his own grasped her free one and interlaced their fingers, grinning like a cat down at her.

“So they don’t shoot me on sight.” He joked, V could only huff lightly but her own smirk betrayed her feigned annoyance.

“Hush. Be nice.” She snipped.

They stepped out of the trailer and at the bottom of the stairs to the trailer was the holy Aldecaldos trinity themselves. Panam looked between the two and their interlock hands with mild confusion first before realisation dawned on her and she mouthed ‘that’s him?’ rather more obviously than she thought she had but never the less winked at friend.

Goro looked down at her curiously but V just shook her head.

“She’ll tell you herself at some point.” V whispered, leaving him far more confounded than before.

“So? What’s this about?” Saul stood in front of them now arms crossed but glaring heatedly at Takemura.

“Drop the tough guy act Saul come on.” She shoved him playfully but Saul only scowled deeper. “He defected.” Saul’s eyebrows rose in surprise for a moment but suspicion reaffirmed itself at the forefront of his mind once more.

“Bullshit.” Saul spat.

“I left Arasaka because I no longer believe in them.” He looked down at V’s hand in his and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “I believe in V. And she has put her trust in you and your clan. I wish to stay with her. You know that... she does not have long.” She squeezed him

back at this, hearing the slight waiver in his voice at that but he continued. “I will work, I will do whatever is needed of me in order to stay by her side.” He bowed his head politely and Saul was at a loss for words, casting his gaze back to Panam and Mitch but only receiving a tired sigh and a shrug from Mitch and a rather heated scowl from Panam that said ‘if you don’t let the ninja stay I’m going go get an emp and blast an AV out of the sky again’, and Saul could only sigh tiredly. He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his palm in a gesture of defeat but his eyes spoke an understanding and no inherent objection to the arrangement.

“Alright. You work, like the rest of us. We all pull our own weight here and there’s plenty to do.” Panam fist pumped in the air and squealed with glee, making V laugh at her antics but Saul gave her an exhausted look before grinning devilishly. “ Since there’s another mouth to feed and person to arm, we’re gonna need to do a recount on inventory. Thanks for offering to do it Panam.” Saul rounded on his heel, making for his own tent as the orange pink swash of dusk settled over the desert. Mitch followed after while Panam gave her a quick pat on the shoulder before departing to her new hell, inventory.

“Look at you guys, just the picturesque happy couple living on the edge of the law, running with nomads, being all in love and shit. Warms my cold dead pixilated heart.” Johnny drawled as he leaned up against the trailer.

V chose to ignore him but grinned Takemura wrapped his free arm around her and rested his head atop hers as he rubbed loving circles into the small of her back, she sighed into his chest and grinned like a fool. Nothing was going to bring her mood down. Not raffen, not Johnny, not the broken to shit solar panels.

She groaned suddenly at the memory of her ever growing list of chores left.

“V?” He questioned, straining his neck down to see her.

“Fucking solar grid.” She hissed ruefully into his shoulder before pulling away.

“I’ve got some solar panels to fix and a carburettor to solder before the day is over.” She groaned, but Takemura squeezed her reassuringly.

“Lead the way.” He chuckled.

“You want to help?” She asked incredulously.

He brushed his hand through her soft chocolate brown coloured locks, twirling the tail ends around her shoulders between his thumb and index. He had a feeling his new unconscious obsession was going to be her hair.

“I’m going to have to learn aren’t I?” He chuckled. “And I have a feeling I’m going to like being your student. Lead on, sensei.”

She giggled before pulling away from him, hands still interlaced as she tugged him towards the solar panels on the far side of camp.

—————

“Welcome to solar grid maintenance 101, class is in session.” She announced.

Goro sat on a rock beside the van, next to the start of the solar grid that went from the back of the van to the further reaches of the edge of their camp, with a small group of four guarding the grid perimeter at all times. He noticed a few of them giving him wary or curious looks but did his best to ignore them. He was sure in time he would seem less threatening but he knew he would only achieve this through time, example and not relying only on shows of good faith. He leaned forward, arms resting against his knees, watching as she peeled back a flexible plastic covering over the front of the panel, uncovering a plated and wired grid he assumed is what absorbed power from the Sun.

“Ok, so. You need a fully wired and calibrated solar panel, batteries, a charge controller and an inverter.” She gestured to each item in front of her. “Once you have these it’s just a matter of following instructions. Then you gotta figure out what your output is gonna be, simply calculate watt hours by using each of the electric tools and machinery’s power ratings, multiplied by the time in hours it will be running...” He continued to listen to her intently, taking mental notes as she went on and was pleasantly surprised by how much she knew. The woman was practically a walking, talking encyclopaedia for off grid living.

He imagined she had learned this with her original nomad clan.

“And... vóila!” The grid hummed to life, the electrical tickering and slight glow from the panels confirmed this. “And tomorrow you’re gonna help me dismantle, clean and stow them.” She slowly rose from her kneeling position but wobbled a bit, Takemura’s lightning fast reflexes kicked into action and he reached out to stabilise her. She gave him a sheepish yet thankful smile.

“Are you-?”

“Just light headed, I stood up to fast.” His levelled gaze cut through her, narrowed eyes studying her intently. “And we’ve been sitting in the sun for an hour. I’d say I could go for something to eat though. Haven’t had anything since last night come to think of it.” She pulled away, attempting to move away from the subject of her health as quickly as she could, but her hand stayed resting open palmed against his chest as she stared almost through him. She still couldn’t believe he was here. Standing next to her in the flesh. She couldn’t even really fathom eating right now but she knew she had to at least try to keep her strength up. But fucking damn. Of all the ways this day was going to go, this was certainly not one of them, not that she was complaining.

His finger captured her chin and tilted her gaze to his, pulling her from her thoughts as if he could sense her inner turmoil.

“What is the expression, ‘I am here for the...’ ah.” He looked up to think an moment as if the phrase was written in the sky before seemingly finding it among the clouds and looking back down at her, grinning from ear to ear. “‘I am... ‘In this for the long haul’, as you say.” She snorted a laugh at him letting her head fall foreword against him as he pulled her further into his embrace. “So stop looking at me as if I’m going to suddenly disappear.” Her fingers squeezed his in response and she looked up resting her chin on his shoulder now.

“Promise?” She whispered, making his chest rumble in laughter.

“Yakusoku.” He affirmed before kissing her forehead loving.

————————————

They had eaten their fill of some synth beef chilli at the camps mess tent and Goro wasn’t about to disclose how much he had actually enjoyed the hot meal. Wandering around in the desert for a week he had been living off of whatever least expired protein bars and soda cans he could find, which had been almost as awful as the scop burgers and noodles in night city, but at least they had been some way warm.

They had made their way to V’s tent which was set up next to her Thorton and some work benches and a trailer with two bikes standing in it. He recognise one to be her beloved Arch and the other a gold and silver heavy terrain 700cc bike with the clans name spray painted boldly along the side of it.

“Here we are. Home sweet home I guess. For now.” She sighed, flopping down into her large sleeping cot with a heavy plop. Takemura stood awkwardly for a moment before fastening the entrance flap closed. There was a fold up chair and two electric lamps illuminating the small space. He suddenly felt out of place but V was quick to pick up on his uncharacteristic fidgeting, giving him an inquisitive glance.

“Cot’s a bit small but we can manage for tonight. Or there’s another cot in storage we can go and-.” Takemura shook his head.

“We can manage.” He grinned sheepishly and she giggled at him, taking a seat on the edge of the cot, patting the spot next to her as an invitation to join her. He took two long strides and he was at her side once again, his hand snaking around her waist as he leaned his head gently on her shoulder. Leaning into him, V interlaced their free hands together, marvelling at how well they fit together.

“You must be exhausted.” She sighed, extending her hand to his face where she swiped away a errant few strands of silver hair that escaped his otherwise well kept topknot, her cool fingers a welcome sensation against his forehead.

“Not really.” He stifled a yawn and she looked up at him pointedly, his own gaze eluding her.

“Evidently.” She chuckled, but a sudden flash of inspiration hit her and she grinned up at him.

“What are you doing?” He asked warily as she began to slink herself around to kneel in front of him, her hands running up and down his thighs in a firm yet teasing trail.

“Well we do have a lot to do in the morning and you require a good nights sleep for what’s coming.” He eyed her suspiciously but couldn’t help the small grin threatening to tug at the corner of his lips. “Couldn’t possibly let you lie awake all night and screw yourself over tomorrow.” She ran her hand over the growing bulge at the apex of his legs, which he opened wider as she settled between them.

“V...” he breathed his head beginning to loll back and eyes flutter closed, his breath hitching she she unzipped him and pulled him of the confines of his suit pants, his member springing free, already fully hard. She gave him some light pumps, enclosing her fist around as much of him as she could. He wasn’t a monster in size, but impressive.

“Speaking of impressive cocks.” Johnny’s voice pierced her mind and she wanted to scream. “Can we leave mine out of this. Please, if yourself gonna fuck the corpo grandpa just take a fucking omega blocker so I don’t have to as well.” She shook her head and sighed, pulling away from Goro.

His eyes fluttered open.

“Is something wrong?” He breathed.

“Just gotta take something before I forget.” She smiled back at him reassuringly before popping two of the red pills.

She turned back to him and something about seeing him sitting there, disheveled clothes, cock standing to attention, lips parted and panting lightly in anticipation, sent a rush of some indescribable feeling through her system. He watched her hungrily but patient in his pining, she couldn’t help the heat between her own legs beginning to rise. She locked their gaze, lips still curved into her signature teasing grin and she began to pull off her tank top painfully slowly, dragging it up to her chest. He watched her relieve her body of the sweat and dirt stained cloth throwing it over her head and groaned lowly when he saw she wasn’t wearing anything underneath save for her tattooed flesh. Lotus flowers bloomed colourfully at her shoulders, and just between her pert little breasts. He traced them with his eyes and felt his body tense in suspense as she saunter toward him, a sultry sway in her hips saying she knew exactly what she was doing to him. She sank down to her knees again before him, her fingers wrapping around his still hard manhood making him hiss at the contact before a strangled gasp tore from his throat as she resumed pumping him again. He reached out his hand to touch her but she slapped him away lightly.

“Ah, ah, ah.” She wagged her finger tauntingly at him, then running them down his chest back down to curl back around his member, giving him a tug that made him groan once more. “Look. Don’t touch.” She then began to lower her lips to him, his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head as she encased him in her warm pink lips, her devilish tongue flicking along the sensitive underside of his cock. He moaned louder as she moved against him but forced his hand over his mouth to stifle himself. They weren’t alone out here so he had to remember to control his vocalisations but she was not making it easy.

He leaned back further down on his elbows watching her intently through hooded eyes as she devoured him, her mouth sinking down slowly, taking him all the way to the hilt letting him hit the back of her throat with an audible gag that made him whine in need then gliding back up, dragging her lips back to the tip, letting her tongue swirl around him a few times before swallowing him once again. He struggled against his urge to fist his hands into her hair as she kept up her ministrations, fearing she’d stop what she was doing, because what she was doing was so fucking good he thought he was going to die if she didn’t finish.

“V... please I’m going to....” he gasped, one hand stretched out behind him as he bit the knuckle of his other hand to surpress his cries.

He felt her chuckle against him, his end so close he could practically taste it as she continued to bob energetically against him. A few more pumps and he had to bite his knuckle so hard he drew blood so as not to roar from the force of his climax, blowing his load in her mouth which she swallowed it readily. He swore he saw stars for a moment, a blinding light show all of his own as he rode the high for as long as he could until he fell back against the cot, attempting to catch his breath as V released him from her mouth with a faint pop.

She pulled herself up and crawled over him, resting her chin against his chest that now rose and fell erratically from his ragged breathing, waiting there patiently for it to even. He lifted his head to look at her, small beads of sweat clinging to his forehead but a stupidly pleased grin now plastered his face as he lifted a hand to caress her cheek and stroked her cheekbone with the pad of his thumb tenderly. He held her there for a moment, unsure if it was the aftermath of his climax or the low lighting of the tent, but to him, right now in all her dishevelment, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld. He dragged her up to him, lips meeting hers at last, tasting her felt like home, regardless of the lingering taste of himself on her lips. Goro pulled her closer to deepen the kiss before pulling away to gaze at her agin. She was the one panting now, her full pink lips, that had only a few moments been driving him to near insanity were parting enough for him so see her devilishly nimble tongue and the flush dusting her cheeks was starting to do things he didn’t know could be done, his member already twitching to life again, slowly but surely.

“You feeling more relaxed then?” Her laugh, like a tinkling bell, brought his attention back into the room and he could only smirk down at her slyly.

“Partially.” He lifted himself up fully wrapping his arms around her then flipping them so she was trapped underneath him. “But I’m afraid I’m more awake now than I was before.” He whispered, lowering his lips to suckled at her collarbone where he began to trail a searing line of bites and kisses down her chest, stopping to tease her nipples as he lavished them thoroughly, leaving her shivering and gasping uncontrollably beneath him. “The opposite of the desired effect I think.” He chuckled lowly, lifting his hand to her mouth and clamping firmly over it to quieten her mewls while he began to drag the fingers of his other hand up to the bottom half of her netrunner jumpsuit. Untying the sleeves he pulled the zipper further down to the end. It reached just above her mound, a few more inches on the zip and he’d have been able to access her. Shame, he though but immediately tugged the skintight nano plastic material down over her hips, her purple thong coming with it. He didn’t pull it all the way down, allowing the material to bunch at her knees before pulling back, letting both her legs stretch up to rest against his shoulder as he stared down at her, a shit eating grin breaking over his lips as he soaked in the sight of her, trapped in his web. She huffed at him in mild displeasure at the loss of control but her eyes widened when she felt his fingers trace her slit softly. His arm curled around her legs, anchoring them against him as he continued to tease her.

“What are you-?” He silenced her with two fingers plunging inside her, making her arch her back as she barely managed to stifle a moan. He thrust his fingers into her wetness again and again, all while his gaze fixed on her face, contorted by pleasure as he took delight in her every twitch and convulsion.

He let another finger enter her, curling them, tickling a sensitive collection of nerves inside her. Her juices dripped down his hand, his attention switching down to where his fingers pumped relentlessly and he felt himself moan at the sight of her absolutely soaking his hand. He felt his cock strain against her thigh but he ignored his growing need. He had work to do. She nearly cried out when he stopped, her eyes finally fluttered open to see him gazing down at her, smirking triumphantly above her.

“Hey.” She pouted, wiggling against him only making him chuckle quietly.

He pulled her legs free finally, tossing the jumpsuit to the far corner of the tent but trailing his hands from the underside of her thighs, to the under side of her ankles, yanking up sharply which pulled her further down the cot so her ass now rested on his lap. Her ground himself against her, his free member brushing against her slit as he draped each of her legs against either shoulder. He leaned foreword her legs stretching to rest nearly by her ears with how flexible she was. Without warning he entered her, both of them gasping quietly. He filled her so completely, V let the feeling wash over her until he began moving at an achingly slow pace. He found purchase at the head of the cot, using it to drive himself harder and harder into her. Reaching up she caressed his head in her hands, his eyes closing at the contact, savouring it, then opening again to see her.

His breath hitched in his throat, not just at the majesty of her wild curls fanned out and framing her so perfectly. Not at her being stretched and splayed out for him, like a cover pin up they used to sneak into the army barracks, back when he did foolish brazen things like that, no. The trust in her eyes. She was letting him take control, letting him take her, however he wanted. She wasn’t scanning the room for the nearest viable exit like she did in every room or so far away in her mind he wondered if she could even hear him above the noise of the engram erasing her. She was right here, willing and ready for him. He wasn’t going to last long, not after already climaxing earlier but he refused to leave her hanging, letting his thumb roll her clit firmly, over and over. He leaned forward to swallow her cries as she came undone beneath him, his own release coming not to far behind her.

He leaned back, letting her legs down on either side of his hips, but stayed connect with her. He leaned back into her, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her nose then her lips, making her smile sleepily against him.

“You’re still in your clothes.” She taunted against his shoulder as he chuckled.

“It’s hard to think about anything clearly with you around.” He mumbled against her neck.

“Hey, don’t you dare fall asleep on me dickhead.” She snorted, poking him enough to make him groan then move to the side, allowing her to stand up from the cot. She walked over to a duffel bag where she pulled a loose white shirt from and threw it on. The fabric reached her knees and he scoffed at how small she was.

“Oi, no sand in my bed, get those dusters off.” She ordered and he sighed, pulling himself from his bliss to shed his coat and other garments leaving him only in his boxers. He fell back into the cot heavily, rubbing his eyes as a yawn escaped his lips. She rejoined him, crawling and moulding herself into his side while his arms immediately snaked around her as he buried her face into the crook of her neck, V stroking his hair soothingly.

For the first time in what felt like forever, he went to sleep without knowing where he was going to be tomorrow and not caring in the slightest.

[hurricanery]

If You Went Away - pt. 5

A/N: I am SO SORRY for posting this so late yikesss. I was struggling with writer’s block so much yesterday, but here’s part 5! I don’t know how I feel about this to be honest, and I’m definitely going to need to post something fluffy next, as a refresher. Previous parts here:

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4

Thank you for reading and sending feedback and prompts! I have some other prompts in my inbox that I definitely want to work on next so thanks for sending stuff!! <3

_______

(present day)

“Alright, Scout,” Link declares as they approach the glass-encased rows of ice cream in the relatively empty shop. “What flavor are you having?”

Scout stands on his tiptoes, peering at the many options in front of him. He bounces excitedly when his gaze lands on something that piques his interest. “Rainbow! I want the rainbow ice cream! With sprinkles!”

Link laughs, and then turns his attention to the young girl working behind the counter. “Okay, we’ll have a small cup of rainbow with sprinkles, I’ll have the….” he trails off, glancing above at their specialized menu items, browsing the different sundae options. “I’ll try the brownie sundae,” he smiles, satisfied with his pick.

Link turns around then, glancing at Amelia, who seems weirdly distracted. He clears his throat and waits for her to snap out of whatever thought spiral she’s in. Her eyes widen momentarily before she looks at him.

“Amelia what are you getting?”

“Um, ya know, I don’t really want anything-”

“Mom you have to!” Scout whines, looking at her like she’s lost her mind.

Amelia holds back a laugh at her son’s facial expression, stepping forward to rest her hands on his shoulders. “You’re right, you’re right,” she mumbles, glancing quickly at the menu. She goes with the first thing she reads on the board. “I’ll have the chocolate moose tracks,” she smiles at the worker.

They pay and get their ice cream and Scout immediately dives in once it’s handed to him.

“Hold on, bud,” Link laughs. “Let’s find a table to sit down at.”

Scout leads them to a table in the corner, a booth. And Link slides in across from him. Amelia stands, hesitating only for a moment before picking a side. She eventually settles next to Scout, smiling tightly at Link across from them.

Scout uses his good hand to attempt spooning some of his ice cream and both parents watch curiously as he struggles to keep the paper cup from sliding away from him as he does so.

“Kind of hard with one hand, huh?” Link laughs.

“Here,” Amelia reaches forward, holding the cup in place on the table so that Scout can get a good spoonful. “How about I hold it while you eat?”

Scout nods, devouring a bite of rainbow ice cream that quickly turns his mouth a shade of blue. Amelia laughs at the mess of blue forming around his mouth.

“I’ll get some napkins.” Link swallows a bite of his own ice cream before standing up.

“Mom?” Scout wonders, mouth full.

“Hm?” She looks down at him, amused.

“How you gonna eat yours if you’re holding mine?” He looks at her in question. “Yours is gonna melt.”

“Scout’s not wrong about that,” Link exclaims as he re-joins them at the booth. He raises his eyebrows at Amelia.

Amelia grimaces, looking down at the cup of ice cream she’d ordered. “Don’t worry about me, Scout,” she mutters, reaching for one of the napkins Link had brought over and beginning to wipe some of the ice cream from Scout’s face. Scout pulls away from her impatiently and Amelia sighs as he goes in for more ice cream. She goes back to holding his cup in place.

“Here, I’ll hold it. So you can eat yours.” Link reaches forward, attempting to replace Amelia’s hand with his own.

Amelia pulls away quickly when Link’s hand brushes against hers. She leans back against her seat, defeated.

“I….ordered the wrong thing,” she mutters, glancing at Link. “It’s fine though, really.”

Link frowns, leaning forward to examine her untouched cup of ice cream.

“Oh,�� Link raises his eyebrows. “There’s peanuts on there.”

Amelia nods absentmindedly as she watches Scout continue to make a mess of his face.

“You don’t like peanuts,” Link states his realization. And Amelia ignores the warmth that spreads through her at the fact that Link remembers that.

“Yeah, my fault though. I wasn’t paying attention to what I ordered.” She mutters, biting her lip.

“Switch with me,” Link offers, sliding his own cup towards her.

Amelia frowns. “What?”

“Switch with me. I really only had like two or three bites of mine….”

Scout looks between his parents curiously, holding his gaze on Amelia and the odd look on her face.

“Mommy switch,” Scout repeats his Dad’s intentions. “Hurry before it melts!!”

Amelia laughs at her son’s preoccupation with the idea of melting ice cream. She can’t help but reach forward again to wipe Scout’s face before the mess threatens to drip down his chin and then all over his shirt.

Link sighs noticeably and Amelia glances across the booth at him.

“Well,” Link announces. “I’m just going to eat your ice cream, then.” He looks pointedly at Amelia, speaking matter-of-factly. Scout giggles as he watches his Dad snatch the untouched ice cream from in front of his Mom.

Amelia lets him take it, watching amusedly as Link over-exaggerates his first bite of mostly peanuts.

“And now my ice cream is just going to sit here,” Link mutters around a mouthful. “Unless you eat it, of course.”

Amelia grins, despite herself. Hesitating briefly, before finally deciding to reach forward for Link’s ice cream.

She doesn’t know where the vulnerability comes from. But she feels strangely shy as she takes her first bite of his brownie sundae. Scout giggles excitedly at the switch up and Amelia relaxes at the sound of it.

“How was the rainbow with sprinkles, Scout?” Amelia smiles at his almost empty cup. “Worth it?”

“Mhm,” Scout smiles, revealing a row of blue-stained baby teeth.

“You handled everything today like a champ,” Link chimes in, nodding towards the sling on Scout’s arm. “How does the arm feel?”

“It doesn’t hurt.” Scout responds simply, taking his last bite of ice cream.

“That’s impressive, bud,” Link smiles. “You are the bravest kid I know.”

Scout beams at him. But then the smile turns into a yawn.

“It’s been a long day, huh?” Link watches Scout blink tiredly. “Should we head home?” He mutters to Amelia.

Amelia nods, beginning to clean up some of the mess on the table before they exit the booth.

_______

“Okay his teeth are brushed and he’s finally in bed,” Amelia exhales as she enters the kitchen, smiling absentmindedly to herself.

Her smile fades quickly as she takes in Link’s rigid demeanor, where he stands with his back to her, putting away the last of the dishes.

Amelia shuffles hesitantly behind him, reaching into the cupboard for the chamomile tea she’s been looking forward to after a stressful day. She can feel Link turn towards her, feel his eyes bore into her as she prepares her tea. She tries to fight off her impending anxiety at the intensity of a stare she has yet to acknowledge.

Until he clears his throat.

And Amelia wants to jump out of her skin.

The packet of tea drops from her hands and she breathes out.

“Did you want a cup?” She tries.

Link shakes his head.

“Amelia, I think we should talk.”

She turns the kettle on.

“You know…” She mutters, wringing her hands together nervously. “It’s been a crazy day. I….I’m just so tired, maybe it’s not the best time to-”

“Amelia, you can’t keep avoiding it!” He interrupts harshly and Amelia sucks in a breath, turning fully to face him.

She opens her mouth like she’s going to speak, but no words come out. Her teeth clamp together audibly as she offers a blank stare.

“When were you planning on having this conversation, then?” He questions, impatience evident from the frustrating silence on Amelia’s end.

“I don’t know,” she says simply. “I….today was….I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t have time to think it through…” She stutters through the sentence. “And, and last night? I...just don’t know I-”

“Well I think I’ve been patient enough,” he interrupts her again, stepping forward slightly, causing Amelia to retreat.

Amelia nods quickly, blinking as she takes that in. Because yes. He’s been extremely patient. And she’s been extremely unfair.

“You have.” She agrees quietly, barely.

Link just stares at her in question.

“You’re right, you have.” She repeats, this time more clear.

“Well then, talk to me.”

Amelia takes a deep breath, gathering her thoughts before she speaks.

“I should apologize….for last night,” she laughs bitterly, shoulders raising in discomfort. “I shouldn’t have….” She trails off again, trying to think of the best way to describe her actions. “I shouldn't have thrown myself at you like that.”

Link sighs. And Amelia keeps going.

“And then I….didn’t mean to, I don’t know….freak out after?” Her inflection raises a little bit at the end like she’s unsure. “Anyway, I’m sorry-”

“I’m not asking for an apology, Amelia.”

And now Amelia grows even more perplexed, eyebrows pulling together as she tries to determine his aim here, then.

“I don’t understand-”

“I’m looking for an explanation!” His voice is strained again. “I’m looking for a reason!” His tone grows louder with each point he makes. “I’m looking for us to….for us to figure out what the hell we’re doing!”

He settles a bit after that, but Amelia watches as the exasperated flush takes over his face and neck.

“You’re giving me whiplash, Amelia…” He mutters, quieter this time. “One second you want me gone, you even tell me to go. And then? You turn around and hold that against me? And you’re right! You can’t just throw yourself at me and then act like nothing happened! I just….can’t keep up with you, so please,” he begs, voice reflecting concern. “Please figure out what you want.”

“I know!” She raises her voice defensively. She folds her arms across her chest like she’s self-guarding, helpless tears threatening her eyes. “I know. I don’t know why-”

“Mommy?”

Both Link and Amelia turn around in shock as Scout makes his appearance. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen anxiously, looking between the pair.

“What’s wrong?” Scout mutters sleepily.

Amelia drops her arms, falling out of her defensive stance. She wipes under her eyes before she steps forward towards Scout. “Nothing baby, everything’s fine. Let’s go back to bed, okay?”

“Wait, no,” Link interrupts, also stepping forward. “I’ll take him back up.” He looks purposefully at Amelia. “You stay right here. I’ll be back.”

Amelia retreats, stepping back against the kitchen counter in defeat. She attempts a light-hearted smile when Scout looks back at her, hoping an encouraging head nod is evidence enough that everything is okay. Scout looks away from her. And then they disappear up the stairs.

_______

It’s taking Link a suspiciously long time to return back to the kitchen, and Amelia grows more and more impatient.

She decides there’s probably better use of her time than to stand here desperately, biting her nails.

She climbs the stairs curiously, slowly, following the sound of Link’s voice. She pauses in the doorway to Scout’s bedroom, resting her head against the frame of the slightly open door. She doesn’t make her appearance known. She just listens silently.

“Okay, bud?” She hears Link explain. “I don’t want you to worry. Nothing’s wrong….we’re just….a little stressed from your fall earlier.”

“But I’m not hurt anymore. So don’t be mad.” Scout whispers back in a pleading tone and Amelia’s eyes sting with guilt.

“Right,” Link agrees. “No one’s mad. And you’re not hurt. Because you were brave. The bravest 5-year-old I know.”

“I am?”

“For sure!” Link exclaims, overly cheerful. “You must get it from your Mom.”

Amelia can hear Scout’s giggle at the way Link tends to oversell his excitement.

“Your Mom was a very brave 5-year-old, too.”

“Why was she brave?”

Amelia gasps quietly from the hallway, cursing herself when she realizes the otherwise quiet of the room. She peers up to watch Link turn his head only slightly in her direction, aware of her presence.

“She just was.” Link says simply, shrugging along with his words. “But it’s time for you to go to sleep, okay?”

“Mkay.”

Amelia turns on her heels, heading quickly down the hallway towards their bedroom. She sits on the edge of the bed, wringing her hands together as she listens for Link to approach.

From her line of vision, she watches his feet as he enters the room. And then she feels him sit down on the bed next to her.

They sit side by side.

“You were a brave kid, too.” Amelia says, voice raspy as she turns her head to the side to look up at Link. She frowns a little bit, puzzled. It’s not like she ever had to take on a cancer diagnosis during childhood. “Don’t give me all the credit.”

Link nods, holding eye contact.

“Amelia, I think….” He gathers his thoughts, exhaling and looking up at the ceiling. “No, I know….that I don’t want to do to Scout, what my parents did to me.”

Amelia stares at him as his eyes scan the ceiling. She nods in understanding.

“You know I even tried to parent-trap them once, did I ever tell you that?” He laughs a little bit, breathlessly.

Amelia nods. And smiles tightly. “You did tell me that.” Her voice sounds weak.

“And I also know, that….that people always leave, right?” He turns to her again, resuming eye contact. And he watches as Amelia registers his words. Her words. Words she could have said herself. “Everyone always leaves, right?”

She frowns at the sudden accuracy of it all.

“And in some ways….you push people away….before they can hurt you, right?”

She doesn’t say anything. He’s reading her like a book and ultimately it stuns her.

“Well,” he lets out a breath, hands dropping forward to rest against his knees. “I’m going to do everything to prove the opposite to you….if that’s okay.”

Amelia exhales a shaky breath. And suddenly it’s her turn to look at the ceiling. She averts her eyes as she takes in his sentiment.

“Okay,” is all she can manage to mutter.

“Okay,” Link repeats, peering at Amelia as she tries to suppress a yawn. “Crazy 24-hours, huh?”

Amelia swallows her yawn, blushing despite herself. Still not able to refrain from cringing at the previous night’s events.

“What do you say we just go to bed?” Link offers.

Amelia looks at him, tiredly. Apologetically.

“Sleep on it?” He continues. He knocks his knee into hers playfully, raising his eyebrows at her.

Amelia hesitates only slightly, looking down between them, before nodding to herself and to him. “Sleep on it,” she agrees.

//

[captainillogical]

Home Ch.1

The domesticity of living with an alien who hasn't quite had the chance at a normal life. 

Distant Lands sequel.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants​ 

thanks for still reading my shit, love you all

You slam the fridge door, taking a swig out of the bottle of water in your hands that you had just grabbed from the top shelf. It’s hot as hell out this afternoon, and you’ve just finished grabbing the last of your stray belongings to move across town.

“-and you need to make sure to keep your phone on, I’ll be sending you calendar updates to your current schedule. Things have been moved around twice for next week, so expect your lesson times to change again.”

“I appreciate all this Pearl, but you’re acting like I’m moving farther than 5 miles and a single warp away.” You say to the gem lecturing you off a list she’s made on her phone.

“I just like to be sure.” Pearl narrows her eyes at you slightly. “I know you’re capable of handling things on your own, I just worry.”

“You fret like you’re my mom.” You retort with an eye roll, taking another sip of water. Garnet grins at that, leaning against the counter. It’s just the three of you here in the kitchen.

“Well, I have known you for quite a few of your formative years.” She huffs, cheeks tinting blue. “I remember when you first responded to that ad Greg put up, you walked in and-”

“Pearl, oh my god, please no.” You cut her off, capping your bottle, it crinkling slightly in your hands.

“I think she’s getting empty nest syndrome.” Garnet says with a small chuckle.

“Y/N, you are sure about this, right?” Pearl ignores Garnet’s comment. “I know that living on your own can be fairly difficult as is..”

“We talked about this extensively yesterday, Pearl.” You sigh, giving her a specific look. “I’ll be fine. I’ve been through hell already enough as is, this will be a walk in the park for me. Besides, I’ve got Spinel.”

“That’s kind of what I’m worried about.” She replies, levelling her gaze with yours.

You try not to sigh out loud at her again.

Okay, so. Really, it's been less than a week since you've solidly been back on Earth. You can't reasonably expect Pearl of all people to be one for quick adjustment. But you did spend a long time with her the day prior going over all her questions about the surface of Golgotha for an updated gem archive entry she's working on. You were kind of hoping it would calm most of her worries about this in general, but you feel like based on some of your responses it might've made her worry even more. Not to mention paired with that incident in the kitchen the other day with Amethyst..

Even if it was a little painful for you for multiple reasons; like having to re-live terrifying moments in detail - it wasn't as painful as the BARRAGE of questions she pummelled you with about the nature of your relationship with Spinel once she got you alone. Fucking mortifying, that was, when Pearl had the audacity to ask if you two had been like this prior to coming back to Earth. You tried keeping much of it to yourself as possible as you aren't super well-adjusted to everything yourself. Like jesus fucking christ, Amethyst and Garnet accepted your text message without much question, other than a thumbs up from her and a solid wall of emojis and expletives from the shorter gem. And maybe a couple roasts about it that you're not going to mention. But they had managed to accept it without embarrassing you much, why couldn't Pearl be less.. Pearl about it?

“What do you think is honestly going to happen?” You retort flatly.

“Well, I don’t have-” Pearl stops to spare a glance at Garnet, who barely even reacts.

“Future-vision is cheating.” She says, lips still forming a wry smile. “She will be fine as long as she remembers to make sure the oven is off.”

“You’re gonna make me paranoid..” You groan. “And see Pearl? I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so." She says like she's waiting to be proven right somehow. You know her enough to not be offended by it. "You didn't forget about your stuff in the bathroom, did you?"

"Nah, but it's not like I won't be back, y'know, in-case you maybe find my missing rubber ducky." You say, feeling your stomach rumble. "And while I do love you both, really, I've got to go get some food in me and finish the lesson plan for next week.."

"Fiiine, go! Clearly we're just here to nag you." Pearl says with a bit of a huff, slight pout on her face, but you can tell she's mainly doing it for the dramatics.

"Don't be like that." You hold back rolling your eyes at her, even if you really want to. You grab the bag with the rest of your things off the counter, shouldering it.

"Did you give me sitting in and watching your first class any more thought?" Garnet asks, resting her hands on her hips. You can't see her eyes, but you know if you could she'd be studying your face for an answer. "It might help with the nervousness you're feeling."

"Yeaaaaaaahhhh," You let out a breath a bit nervously, having given that exactly zero extra thought. "I'm still pretty sure that you'd just give me performance anxiety. Give me a few more days to think about it."

You say your goodbyes for now, toeing your shoes on and heading out the door down to the beach below.

Ugh. It's hot, and so is the sand.

You should think about finally replacing your old car. You know, the one that died last year that Peridot said was worth more in scrap metal? You miss that old junker. You'd have to save up a considerable amount of money you don't have, but, ugh, you'll think about this later.

The breeze makes your hair fly into your face, and you're annoyed the entire walk over to town. Your stomach growls again, and you decide on pizza for your afternoon lunch.

It's kind of a no-brainer when your feet lead you to Fish Stew Pizza, and your hand is already on the door handle and opening it when you subconsciously realize a small hangup, possibly, just as the door opens.

Kiki's inside and manning the counter, and she's the only one in the establishment at all currently. You let out a breath of relief.

"Weeeeeeelcome." She greets you without even looking up from her phone.

"Afternoon'." You say in greeting, feeling awkward preemptively. Kiki looks up immediately when she hears your voice, and her facial expression is completely surprised at yours at first before she quickly schools it to more of a casual, neutral one.

Ah. Lars came through.

You see.. after that first day back you utterly loathed the idea of explaining why you're now pink to literally everyone else, and Lars offered to send out a couple quick informative texts. What a fucking bro. You should probably help him out sometime just for the effort alone.

"Y/N, it's good to see you." Kiki says, trying not to be too obvious that she's giving you a glance-over.

"Thanks, you too." You hear coming out of your mouth, the air conditioning of this place cooling you off rapidly. God you even SOUND awkward. "It's pretty empty in here for the time of day, that's kind of odd."

"Yeahhh, but I'm not gonna complain about it. I'm covering Jenny's shift right now and I'll take the slowness if it means I can just be on my phone.." She's staring at the scar on your face, and you feel.. weirdly self conscious about it.

"Typical Jenny. You gotta stop going easy on her." You reply, leaning against the counter.

“Oh, I wasn’t going easy. She’s doing my chores this week because of this, so actually she’s the one getting the short stick out of this. I had nothing planned with my time off.” She sets her phone down, and oh my god, she will not stop staring.

“Will you just say what you’re thinking and get this over with?” You spit out, impatient. She reels back for literally only a split second before leaning forward eagerly and getting right into your space.

“Lars wasn’t fucking lying, huh. That place messed you UP.” She reaches over the counter to touch your hair, and if it were nearly anyone other than Kiki you’d punch them in the face. But she helped you deal with her sister back then, so. “I saw you maybe a week and a half ago, and now look at you! Pink like Lars and with a giant scar on your face to boot! What didn’t happen to you there?!”

“I er, didn’t get the face scar there, and it wasn’t the only one I gained.” You say with a grimace. Your stomach growls again. “How much exactly did he tell you?”

“What!? I mean he told me about you being kidnapped by a deranged gem and that you died, but that was about it!” She replies, expression bewildered.

You sigh. God. Okay. That’s not the worst thing he could’ve told people. But he’s not making this any easier for you anyway.

“Listen, can I order a small plain cheese pizza? And then I’ll enlighten you.”

“Yeah, you got it.” She grins, getting this spark in her eye while ringing you up and even giving you a hefty discount. It’s why she’s your favorite sister of the two.

You move to sit by the window table, setting your bag down on one of the other chairs and pulling out your lesson notes.

You don’t really feel super up to this right now, but you should probably go over a few things by yourself that Pearl gave you some pointers on. You’re nervous, like really nervous about teaching this class, if you’re honest with yourself. But you also think it will be fun, and interesting, even. You’re only giving two hour-long lessons a week for right now, as the others wanted to see how well you’d fair. Your first lesson is in just a few days. Also, the class currently has 43 gems signed up for it, and that’s quite a bit of a hefty crowd.

You were expecting an interest of maybe.. 4 gems total. This is a little unnerving. You only have the one flier posted up with the other new classes on that board, so you’re guessing word of mouth was how it spread.

You feel your phone buzz a couple times in your pocket, and you pull it out to see who it is. When you see who the messages are from, you can’t help but feel a smile break out on your face that you have a hard time suppressing. Oh, and whoops, you forgot to reply to her earlier messages while you were being lectured by Pearl.

[14:13] Spinel: uuuuugh i just want today to be OVER please

[14:13] Spinel: i think bismuth enjoys sending me to help peridot like some kind of sadist

[14:13] Spinel: its like she knows i dont want to hear about camp pining hearts for the third day in a row? i get peridot needs assistance but i haven’t even seen this show and now i have no need to ever physically watch it

[15:42] Spinel: you can’t ignore me in person Y/N

[15:42] Spinel: i haven’t seen you in two days and this is how you treat me?

[15:42] Spinel: like an afterthought?

[15:42] Spinel: hurtful

You roll your eyes to yourself, still grinning. You can feel affection coming through the words even if that isn’t what they’re saying. You’re also ecstatic at the concept of the others getting on with Spinel quickly enough to annoy her on purpose now. You miss her face, and feel a little silly about it, considering it hasn’t even been that long. It sucks, but at least she texts you fairly often. And as of today, well, you get to live with her.

[15:43] Y/N: Rest assured, I can ignore you in person.

[15:43] Y/N: Dramatic ass.

[15:43] Y/N: I’m going to be seeing you in like, an hour anyway. Chill.

“Why are you smiling like that?” You hear, jolting upright in your seat as Kiki sets down your personal pizza in front of you with a glass of water. It smells heavenly. “You never smile like that.”

“Uh,” You reply, caught off-guard, and set your phone down. “Was just replying to something funny Steven said.”

“Sure.” She says in a tone that screams ‘I don’t believe you whatsoever but okay’.

You reach out for a slice of pizza and take a bite, cheese almost dripping all over the lesson plans in front of you. Kiki moves the papers aside for safekeeping, and you mutter out a quick thanks.

“So,” She starts, resting her chin on her hand. “You gonna enlighten me, or what?”

You finish chewing your slice of pizza, and grab another. And then you indulge her questions. All of them.

She has a lot.

You leave out all the details of what happened between you and Spinel, you’re really not ready to have those kinds of conversations yet. Dealing with Steven giving you shit for it has been more than enough to want it from anyone else, and you haven’t even told Lars about it - even though you told him you would whenever you finally confessed to her.

Also.. uh. You won’t lie. Between the both of you being pretty fucking busy almost right off the bat, you haven’t exactly, er. Had the girlfriend conversation with Spinel yet. Other than that one night, people are always around you two. You know you gotta just talk to her about it to clarify, but shit, you’re stupidly anxious about it. Part of your brain is literally screaming at you about being stupid about it, because sure, you had the most nerve-wracking love confession of your life and you two boned and also she definitely said she felt the same way, but what if this is just real casual to her?

Oh my god, you over-think fucking everything. Get it together.

You think not seeing her for two days in-person might be driving you nuts, a little.

"Lars didn't really tell me anything about Spinel. He gave me the jist of it, but told me to ask you for everything else whenever you seemed okay with it." She lets out a long breath, and you watch her eyes focus on you. "Imagine what would've happened if you weren't there with him that day. Do you think she would've killed him?"

"I'm not entirely sure. Honestly? She definitely had the strength to, but it doesn't really matter to me now. She wouldn't harm a hair on anyone's head." You reply, trying to not mull over the Spinel you experienced when you first met.

"You seem to have full faith in her." She states, a small smile forming on her face. "You didn't treat any of the other gems that tried killing Steven with any kindness for at least a month. You're less forgiving than Pearl."

"I spent a month with her alone on a planet, Kiki. I had to learn how to work with her, and she saved my life." You retort.

"Yeah, only cause you put yourself in danger for her." She narrows her eyes at you. “And you’re moving in with her today?” Kiki asks, expression a bit suspicious, smile still on her face. This makes you uneasy.

“Yeah?” You reply, confused. “It’s not that weird, is it? I moved in with Steven fairly quickly.”

“Yeah, except that was a different type of situation, you were a guardian for him. And this is you we’re talking about here.” She levels you with a look. “I feel like I’m missing something you’re not telling me. Like a key part to all of this.”

“L-like what?” You shove another slice of pizza into your mouth to shut yourself up. Not fucking today, dammit. Not today.

“I dunno, there’s just something..” She trails off, her eyebrows drawn together on her forehead as if she’s got a thought within her grasp. She looks at your hand, grasping your phone, squinting her eyes. She then shakes her head. “Whatever, you’ll tell me eventually. It’s not as if you’re sleeping with her.”

You choke on the slice of pizza you’re currently chewing, and violently so.

Kiki’s eyes go wide, and you put a hand up as if you can stop whatever thoughts are racing through her head. Her jaw drops.

“Wait,” You manage to choke out, gasping for air and finding it very difficult. You can't tell if you can feel your face going red from the lack of air, or from this conversation.

“Y/N.” Is all she says, voice dripping incredulously. “Y/N!”

“Kiki, you have the wrong idea-”

“I cannot believe you.” She says, mouth still open. She’s got half a grin on her face like she’s just unearthed the most juicy gossip, and you are SO not here for this. "Wait until Jenny hears about this."

"Kiki!" You wail, and sputter out another cough. "Kiki you can't tell anyone!"

"Why not!?" She cackles. "And besides, I don't even know if she'd believe me anyway. Y/N of all people?!"

"Tell her, and I'll tell Sadie you had a crush on her for a year." You spit out in a panic.

"You wouldn't!" Kiki narrows her eyes at you, face of mock betrayal.

"I would. Watch me." You state, grabbing your phone off the table pointedly.

"Okay okay! Sheesh." She puts her hands up in surrender. "So you gonna tell me the dirty deets or what?"

"No, I don't kiss and tell." You scowl at her, but she doesn't seem put off by it at all.

"Knowing you, that doesn't surprise me." She grabs your glass of water, taking a sip of it. You're not even annoyed. "Guess you and Greg have something in common."

She laughs at her own joke, and you can't help putting your face in your hands and groaning loudly and dramatically. It only makes her laugh harder.

"Shut uuuup." You sigh, grabbing the glass of water from her and taking your own sip.

The two of you talk for awhile as she grills you about Spinel, and you share what you're comfortable with. Eventually, she gets a family of customers in that she has to attend to, and you busy yourself with what you had come here originally to do.

Time passes and you lose track a bit, until your phone vibrates on the table and shakes you out of your concentration.

It's a couple texts from Spinel.

[17:04] Spinel: it'll be a while until I'm free

[17:04] Spinel: there were some ISSUES apparently

You stare at your phone. You try not to be irritated at the situation.

It's not like you haven't seen her in a hot minute or anything. You weren't eager at all to be able to see her face or hear her voice. You sigh, and text her back.

[17:05] Y/N: It's fine.

You stare at your phone for a little bit, but she seems busy enough to not have the chance to respond quickly.

Fuck it, it's not like you have anything else to do. You're tired of the papers and notes in front of you. Might as well make your way over to little Homeworld and wait for Spinel to be free from Peridot's tiny demon hands.

You pack up, and make sure to say your goodbyes to Kiki, who yells at you to text her as you leave the shop.

It doesn’t take you that long to get to little homeworld, and thankfully you know where Peridot is usually working as of late.

You pass by the town center, and the glass in some of the taller buildings glare in the evening sun. There's quite a few gems around, working and building, many conversing with each other. There's a couple humans intermingled with them as well. The general atmosphere is pretty lovely here. You like it.

A Rose Quartz bumps into you on the sidewalk and your bag flies off your shoulder, spilling the contents onto the ground.

"Ah! I'm so sorry!" She spins around, arms out to make sure she didn't shove you off of the sidewalk as well. "I'm just so clumsy." She says, pushing her long pink hair over her shoulder and grabbing for your things on the ground before you can even think to scoop them up yourself.

"It's okay, I wasn't exactly paying attention either." You reply, grabbing the papers that flew out of your bag and onto the street. Thankfully, nothing's damaged. She hands you your stuff, and you place it back into your bag. "Thanks."

"It was mostly my fault anyway." She grins lazily, and you watch her eyes wander around the area of your face where you have that scar. "Hmm, I feel like I've seen your face around here before. You hang out with Steven?"

"You could say that." You smile back at her and shoulder your bag. She's got this way about her that makes you think she's analyzing you, but not out of judgement. "Why?"

"No reason! I'll see you around, cutie." She says with a sly grin and a wink, and you're standing there feeling completely taken aback. Your face heats up a little in embarrassment. That was.. okay. Whatever the hell that was.

You keep walking, mind wandering as you try to figure out what the hell that gem's deal was.

You manage to spot Bismuth near a building with more scaffolding than anything else, and she's huddled with Peridot, Lapis, a couple quartz, and Spinel. You won't lie to yourself when your heart does a little summersault in your chest when you spot her magenta twintails.

They're talking loudly and animatedly about something you can't manage to hear from this distance, and you don't bother to get any closer. You duck into the entryway of a nearby building less than a hundred feet in distance from them just to linger for a moment.

One of the Quartz says something, and they all erupt into laughter, and your eyes are trained on no one but Spinel. There’s something about watching her like this that makes your heart swell, and you feel a bit ridiculous over it. You feel your phone buzz in your pocket, and you tear your eyes away to check it.

It's a message from Steven.

[17:37] Steven: can I ask you for a favor? It's not work related.

[17:37] Steven: Connie's parents invited me to dinner

[17:37] Steven: hELP

You stare at your phone, feeling your face break out into a grin. Someone tries to get into the shop you're standing in front of, so you side step to move out of the way momentarily.

[17:38] Y/N: Haha oh buddy.

You look up after sending the message just to make sure you're in no one's way, and you happen to see Spinel just as she's turning her head in your direction, aaaaaand she's spotted you.

Her face brightens up immediately.

She says something to the others, and most of them turn their faces to peer at you. Your face heats up, and one of them cracks some kind of joke that makes half the others howl in laughter as one of the Quartz slaps Spinel's back in jest.

What the fuck are they saying?!

She manages to disengage herself, waving a couple loud goodbyes as the others let her go. It sounds like they make another joke at her expense, they all laugh as she runs to catch up to where you're waiting for her.

She groans as she reaches you, bringing her gloved hand up to her forehead to shield her eyes from the sun.

"What the hell did you say to them?!" Is what comes out of your mouth instead of a greeting. You glare at the others, and you can’t tell if they can see your expressions, but they sure are howling with laughter.

"Well hello to you too," She replies, cheekily scratching the back of her head. “And I didn't say a word! They just.. kinda figured it out?” She says sheepishly, cheeks coloring a bit. “Guess I talk about 'ya a lot, eheheh..”

Oh my god, ugh. You think you're going to have a heart attack, probably. She's looking at you like she’s holding back a lot of affection. Probably for your sake?

One of them catcalls at the two of you, and you hear another whistling. You feel your eye twitching, but the smile doesn't leave your face.

"No, really, what'd you tell them?"

"That you're my girlfriend, you idiot, because they basically knew that already." She retorts with a roll of her eyes. She grabs your hand, and you feel your face heat up even more. "Let's get 'outta here already."

Well. That answers all your insecurities.

You look forward to the next upcoming days.

[aelaer]

Re: Blood in Your Veins

Hey so uh.

As anyone who’s been following me for a while knows, I started the serial “The Blood In Your Veins” about this time last year (it used to be ‘my veins’ but retitled it on its move to AO3 because execution of prompt had changed a bit over writing). It’s a prompt that I couldn’t stop thinking about and just dabbled in slowly to see where it went. Then 2020 fully hit and my writing came to almost a complete stop until about October, which is when I began again on Illuminating the Shadows, which was finished and posted in December.

Anyway, I’ve been poking and prodding fairly continuously at The Blood in Your Veins. The first four parts that I posted originally here on tumblr are now all on AO3, and once part 5′s up I’ll link it here and link everyone who wanted alerts to the updates then so they can see the new part. Then all future parts will be linked here as well.

(Cut because why the *hell* did I write this much about this?)

I’ve been slow in posting because I, against better judgement but why not, decided to post it as a WIP. But that means I keep on making edits to older parts because I think of something new that should be addressed earlier in the story. Like uh, when I was writing part 9, I realized I needed to go back to part 5 and add an addendum. When I was writing part 12, I realized I totally forgot a part that I ended up adding in part 8, because I needed it for a future connection. This happens all the time in my writing and makes posting WIPs almost dangerous because my thinking is rarely linear if the story takes place over a course of more than a couple days. Thus the very slow posting.

So this silly little prompt thing that I was just prodding and poking at to see where it went? The farking doc passed 50k words tonight. Yup.

Granted, like 10k of that is probably outlining, personal notes, and A/Ns filled to the brim with meta, medical science, fake science, and technical/computer engineering because I love talking about it and giving people info to access easily for their own knowledge. I figure I can’t be the only one who finds this stuff super fascinating and fanfic makes it unique in that it’s not a book where the research is irrelevant, you can show off all the interesting stuff right here and talk about it with people! I love that about fanfic, so much. Sometimes the A/Ns are just as interesting as the story in some stories.

So it’s gonna be a bit slow for however long, but I finished 11 parts (with 10 betaed), have the 12th largely written out (though I’m not 100% sure about it yet so I want to poke at it more), and parts uh, 13 to 17ish outlined. But considering I was like “yeah this is 8 parts at most” like, at the beginning of this, that number is bound to change because characters keep saying things and doing things (including the supporting OCs, who are demanding to be fully fleshed out within the bounds of supporting character roles).

And yeah, this is just a ramble of what I’ve been mostly doing as I haven’t been super active on tumblr this month as this has consumed most of my free time. I haven’t read a lot of works either, and once this is completed I hope to remedy that, before I go into my next two big projects (which were meant to be what I was working on *now*, but then this took over and what will you do. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to complete three novel-length fics in the course of the year, but I’ll see what I can do. I really want to tell these stories).

Uh, this was really long. Sorry, I’m super verbose and don’t know how to be like, succinct. My old boss, two bosses ago now, used to quote Twain about brevity being a sign of wit, but if it is, call me 100% unwitty because I like to ramble. And then I always feel a little bit guilty for writing *so much* about my bullshit, so I feel like if you read this far, you 100% deserve to read a preview of an upcoming section. Especially since you pressed the Read More button! So here you go, thanks for reading my rambles. This is a section from the longest part so far, part 8. It’s a long little bit!

---

"How high's the toxicity now?" Tony asked as he stepped off the scale.

"Yesterday's blood sample came back at 0.45 milligrams per kilogram of your weight," Stephen replied. He snapped on a pair of latex gloves.

Tony offered his arm for the blood draw. "And if 3 milligrams is the magic number for fatality, that'd put my current blood toxicity at 15%."

Stephen inserted the needle at the crook of Tony's elbow and watched the tube fill up. "That's not quite how it works."

"It makes sense to me."

"That's still not how it works." He removed the needle and capped the tube, and as he put everything away, explained, "Saying that your blood toxicity is at 15% implies that you're talking about the whole volume of blood in your body. You're probably at about 5,500 milliliters with your weight, and with the density of blood equaling about 1.06 grams per milliliter, it is like you're saying—"

"That 874.5 grams of my blood is toxic, yeah, yeah, I know," Tony interrupted. By now he was setting up the table for their breakfast.

"I was getting there."

"You were going too slow," he shot back easily. Stephen gave the engineer a look at the comment, but Tony ignored it. "Yeah, I know it's not my whole body's blood volume. Obviously. But putting a percentage on how long until I reach the point that I'm dead makes sense to me. I'm not measuring the whole volume of my blood, I'm measuring how much more can I handle until I'm dead."

Stephen shot him a frown. "It doesn't make sense to call it 'blood toxicity' then."

"Maybe not to you, but it does to me. And I'd design such a measuring tool for me."

The statement caught him off guard. "Design?" He finished packing up the kit and joined Tony at the table.

"Well, if I wasn't stuck in here, I'd design something to automatically read a blood sample, like how glucose meters read blood sugar levels. Wouldn't be hard to engineer something like that. And I'd have it give me the amount of toxicity as a percentage relating to how far along it was until the amount was lethal. Sure, I could memorize the numbers, but the percentage would be more concrete in my head."

Stephen smeared butter over a piece of bread as he listened. He shook his head at the end of Tony's explanation. "Wouldn't work for the consumer market; there's too much room for interpretation as to what the percentage means."

Tony huffed. "Well, like I said, it'd be for me. Not the consumer market."

His brow furrowed. "You're telling me that you can make a blood test as simple as the one used for testing blood sugar levels for something as rare as palladium poisoning?"

He narrowed his eyes. "... yes…"

"You can make it portable like the glucose meters?"

"Yeah, of course."

"And affordable to most hospitals?"

Tony looked up in thought. "I don't usually factor in the costs of materials and manufacturing in personal projects, and others do the number crunching to see if my ideas are viable for production in company projects. If they aren't, but I really want them to be, I'll tinker a bit more, sure."

Stephen couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Do you realize the amount of money you could save for both hospitals and patients across the country with such technology? Specialized blood tests—like for many metal poisonings, for instance—aren't offered at every hospital. It may not be available even in every state. Those types of lab results can take weeks to get back to a doctor and the patient. And you're saying that you can not only potentially create this type of technology, but that you may be able to make it affordable if you really want them to be?"

"Well yeah, sure. I've done it a few times with other things. I could probably do that with a blood meter thing. I doubt the tech's that complicated."

His mouth was partially hanging open, Stephen realized this, but he couldn't bother at the moment. He was flabbergasted. The first thought that came to mind went to his mouth, unfiltered. "And you spent the last two decades building weapons."

"Don't." The word was sharp and filled with an overabundance of emotion.

Stephen fell silent. He crossed a boundary he had yet to see before now, and he was not so callous as to push against it. Instead he turned to his meal and focused on eating. He avoided looking at the other man.

A couple minutes later, Tony spoke again. It was low, pensive. Thoughtful. "There was a good reason I shut down weapons manufacturing after I got back from Afghanistan, you know. If the department ever comes back, it will be with major restrictions and modifications. Likely more defensive than offensive. More shields, less missiles. But in the meantime I've been restructuring. Expanded in commercial aerospace and industry. We entered the energy market properly. Consumer products is coming soon—end of the year, probably." A pause. "Don't see why we can't look into medical tech, either. Certainly wouldn't hurt to try."

He could only nod and say, "It certainly wouldn't."

[meandmyechoes]

The more I think about Dark Disciple, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quintress, but I also just, can’t?

I mean, yes. It’s very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. But I also, don’t really see it in that ’omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them’ sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don’t really, actively ‘ship’ it — like the way it was an open book with Rhayme or Latts Razzi (since it’s the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quintress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask how much it is tainted with my personal view on relationships.

I know the plot leaves little room for “the future” and fed us well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don’t think their relationship is "weak", but it’s very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can’t really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that’s it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It’s just… I don’t really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it’s much more a physical attraction thing that I don’t really have personal experience with.

I don’t know if quintress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I’m quite disappointed Ventress wasn’t doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it’s deliciously written, there’s not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It’s a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she’s more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she’s gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. and surprise! Our “assassination” plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I’ve read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the conventional to process ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

With the “Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos”. Now, I can’t dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there’s no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic varied person to person from the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie Lucas’s foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there’s always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you’re willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that’s a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quintress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obi-Satine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leave him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream.

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Jedi Order, I still have to do more reading on it from other sources to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj Ventress and Quinlan Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quintress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful (I guess) thing is they chose each other.

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes the contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. And I've been a canon apologist since forever. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

[26th April 16:00]

I must address that I got spoiled of the ending and the first and second half of the book probably went through some big changes.

If I cried for this book, it’s score would be even higher. And I’ve been so obsessed with discussing the relationship, without shedding light on the characterization, which is definitely an unfortunate side effect. Then it occurs that quite possibly the second half (26-42) deviated even further from the script than the first? It doesn’t have concept art or blocking, plus possibly (heavily) edited to omit correlation to other arcs. My major complaint for the second half is Ventress doesn’t do much and we know NOTHING about Vos, even though he is given screen time in the book. my, I just wish Ventress punch him harder and drag his idiotic mess back to the light sooner.

And to criticism about it being their ‘toxic’ relationship being portrayed as ‘true love’, well, it really depends on how thoughtful the reader is, right? I think if the reader is able to notice all these red flags and gave their own interpretation of the relationship and its outcome, it’d’ve been an educating experience. There’s what for the reader and what for the characters. They don’t know this ‘love’ is destroying them, and what kind of message is it sending? What ‘love’ depicted in the book is true then? I have my answers, and I hope every reader comes to their own as well.

[technicolor--dreams]

the object of her affection chapter 18 (FINAL CHAPTER)

Hello, Idk if anyone is still reading (i did post this for the 3 people who were kind enought to relpy they were interested, after all ) but if you read this all the way through:

thank you

PLEASE feel free to let me know if you liked it, or if you didn’t, or any other thoughts about it, really, i would be delighted!

I’ll be back by christmastime with another story, this time based on jugenea (not them irl but their movies) - i would post it now but it’s set on xmas, so i’ll wait - but again, feel free to let me know if that is somehting you would like to read :)

enjoy the last chapter, finger crossed it won’t let you down!

The next morning, Susan stood by the airport gate, Oscar secured into his doggy carrier next to the rest of her luggage.  Her mother, father Joseph and Connor watched over her, some more misty eyed than others, but all quite emotional in their own way.

"Do you have everything?" Mrs. Holbrook asked.

Susan nodded, but her mother didn't listen and fished out a packet of ritz crackers and seltzer water out of her giant purse. "Here. Don't believe what they say. Airplane food is still airplane food, no matter what class you're travelling. This will help you with hunger and the altitude, in case you get sick."

"Darling, she's moving out, not shipping off to war!" her husband exclaimed, before addressing his daughter. "You know I'm not good at this sentimental stuff, but I'm proud of you, and I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.  Now, go out there and prove me right."

"Thank you. I will." Susan replied, hugging her father on an impetus. In turn, he patted her on the back.

Mrs. Holbrook, at this sight, couldn't help but burst into tears, sobbing into her embroider handkerchief.

"My baby!" she jumped into her daughter's arms. "Re-member to - call. Don't forget - about your poor folks!" she blabbed through sobs, refusing to let go.

“You’re wetting her suit!” her husband said, dragging her away gently and circling his arms around her shoulders. “Come here.”

When it came his turn to say goodbye, Joseph stepped forward, a nervous smile plastered on his face.

“So ...” he began. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I do.” Susan replied. “Thank you for calling Connor.”

“I didn’t know how else to get him here. I hope you’ll forgive my unorthodox methods.”

“You’re speaking to the queen of unorthodox methods. In fact, you don’t even know the half of it.”

Joseph furrowed his brows. “Always been a woman of mystery, uh?”

“It’s part of my charm.” Susan shrugged.

“So, friends?” he extended his hand.

“Yes. Friends.” she shook his hand back, and he dragged her into a quick half-hug.

Hug over, she took the chance to change the subject. “Have you talked to Helen, by chance? I saw her at the party last night.”

“We spoke briefly.”

“Make things right with her. I think she misses you, even if it’s hard for her to admit it. She’s a swell girl, you know? I like her very much.”

“Me too.”

“Good.” she poked him playfully on the shoulder blade. “Then prove it.”

“I hope you’re right.” Joseph replied, looking wistfully into the distance.

“Was I ever wrong?”

“Some things will never change.” Joseph laughed, and Susan joined him. “Have a safe trip.” he then said, said, before kissing her on the cheek and stepping away.

When it came Connor’s turn to say goodbye, the other three decided to give the two lovers some privacy, and sat on a bench a few feet away.

“I wish you could come there with me now.” Susan sighed.

“Me too. But It’s only a couple of weeks. As soon as I sort things out with work and find a place to stay, I’ll be there. What’s that compared to three months, after all?”

“That’s different.” Susan replied. “Before, I thought you’d never come back. Now I’ll count every minute until you do.”

“I’ll call every day. And as soon as I get my ticket, I’ll give you the details.”

Susan nodded, a slight pout on her ruby lips.

“Come here.” Connor said, holding her tight and pressing a kiss on top of her head.

Their interlude didn’t last long, for it was soon interrupted by a feminine voice, announcing final boarding for Susan’s flight.

“That’s me.” Susan said, gathering her bags.

“Alright. So ...” Connor said morosely. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Two weeks” she replied, a little misty eyed.

Then, before Connor could blink, she was already at the boarding door, waving in his direction. He waved back weakly, before she disappeared altogether from his sight.

4 years later …

"Gordon Hewitt ..." the Dean of faculty called in a resounding voice, and Susan tapped her shoes impatiently, watching the fair young man in front of her stepping on the stage, before accepting his diploma and turning the tassel on his left side as per tradition.

"Susan Holbrook ..." she finally heard her name being called, and all she could hear was the pounding of her heart and her heels clacking on the wood.

After she turned took her diploma and turned her tassel, she turned around to face the crowd. Connor and her parents stood by the middle row, slighly off to the left, applauding and smiling proud. Joseph couldn't be there as much as he wish he could've come, but to be fair, he had a pretty good excuse, so she didn't hold it against him. As usual, her mother was wiping tears from her face.

Susan smiled and waved, before winking in Connor's direction, who in turn shook his head, and laughed. Until she got married, or had children, this would be the best day of her life.

* * *

After the ceremony, her parents insisted to treat her and Connor to a british style five o’clock tea in one of the best (and most expensive) tearooms in San Francisco.

"I know this isn't exactly your scene." Susan whispered to Connor as they sat down in the ornate, Victorian style room. "I told them not to go to any trouble, but you know how they are."

"It's alright." He patted her hand under the table. "It's your day."

A waiter soon arrived, and after everyone made their orders, the group fell into an easy conversation.

“So, tell me everything about the baby.” Susan told her mother. “I’m so curious.”

“Joseph didn’t tell me much, he was quite frazzled himself. All I know is, her name is Daisy, she was born yesterday at noon, and she weighs six pounds.”

“How’s Helen?”

“Good. Tough, you can imagine, with two children under the age of four, she won’t sleep for a while.”

“Oh, I must ask her to send us a picture of the children together.” she told Connor. “We haven’t seen little Joey since Christmas.”

“He’s already three feet and half. He’s gonna be tall.” Mr. Holbrook said, as though that was somehow a point of pride.

Finally, their desserts arrived – lemon tart for Connor, chocolate pudding for Susan, coconut cream pie for Mrs. Holbrook, and scones for her husband.

“How’s the pudding?” Connor asked, beginning to dig into his tart.

“Uhm, Are nuts supposed to be in this?”she replied, after a couple of spoonfuls.

“I don’t think so. Why?” her mother asked.

“There’s something crunchy down there.” she wrinkled her nose.

“Dig it up, maybe it’s a cherry.” Connor told her.

Susan inserted her spoon into the glass once again, and lifting it up she couldn’t hide her surprise. “… I don’t think cherries are supposed to sparkle.”

“Well, how did that get in there?” Connor feigned innocence, as Susan picked out the Ruby red ring and cleaned it with a napkin.

“You tell me.” she replied back.

“You said you would think about getting married only after you graduated. So, let’s do it, before you start law school.”

“But – how did you know we would come here … “ she asked before turning towards her parents. “You guys were in on this, weren’t you?”

Her parents merely shrugged, smiling from ear to ear at their cleverness.

“I have to say, mother’s poker face game has seriously improved.”

“So?” Connor asked, quite impatient. “What do you say about a summer wedding?

“Summer’s perfect.” Susan replied, putting the ring on her left finger.

And it really was.

[callioope]

Author Interview

tagged by @theputterer -- thank you :) 

Name: Liz

Fandoms: In terms of posted fics, mainly Rogue One and Star Wars (OT). I have at least one fic posted in A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones, Community, and Howl’s Moving Castle (book). But I also like The Clone Wars and Rebels. I’ve been reading mainly ATLA fic for the past couple weeks. 

Where you post: AO3 and sometimes here on tumblr. There are a few drabbles I’ve posted on tumblr that I really ought to crosspost on AO3 for posterity. 

Most popular one-shot: “In Which Sophie is Late, and Howl Noses Around in Her Business” (Howl’s Moving Castle) With 698 kudos. Uh. Wow. I was not expecting that! It’s literally my only HMC fic (although I do technically have other unfinished drafts) and it’s not even a year old, and surpassed my second most popular one-shot which was posted in 2015. Pregnancy trope is popular I guess. It is amusing to me that my most popular one-shot is not in my favorite OTP fandom (rebelcaptain). Howl’s Moving Castle ended up having a wider audience than I anticipated. 

Also as a disclaimer, but popularity is weird to gauge because do you go by hits or kudos or comments? I went with kudos because hits could count people who clicked on my story and then didn’t like it. But it’s hard because hits also include re-reads, so, idk. 

Most popular multi-chapter fic: “The Last Stark” (A Song of Ice and Fire) 815 kudos. This was finished in 2013 so it’s had plenty of time to accumulate the kudos. It’s a Gendrya Anastasia AU (“Aryastasia” was my working title for this one lol). So again, popular trope, in a popular fandom, in a popular ship. This fic is so old when I reread it, I usually find myself wanting to edit it, especially the ending. I was so ready to be done writing this that I think I rushed the ending. Oh well, writing plots is really difficult!

Fic you were nervous to post: Every fic? lol. I’m never not nervous to post a fic. But I’m definitely more nervous posting in a fandom for the first time. So posting “Whatever I Do (I Do It To Protect You)” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain) was pretty nervewracking, especially since it’d been awhile since I posted anything. [OOOH, fun fact, but WID celebrated it’s 4 year anniversary yesterday! Ha, that’s funny.] I was working on this fic for weeks before I posted it. 

I was also super nervous to post my Jeff/Annie Community soulmate AU, “Intro to Neurochemical Compatibility” because (a) first time posting in that fandom, (b) I decided to use script format which I know is not everyone’s jam, and (c) the premise is just so ridiculous! But I had fun with it. 

Also gift exchanges are always nerve-wracking because I worry the giftee won’t like it. My giftee never responded to my 2020 rebelcaptain secret santa fic so I’m actually constantly worrying that they didn’t like it and feeling bad that I failed them. :/ 

How you choose your titles: with so much agonizing. gosh it’s so hard and honestly i have so many titles that i hate. I’ve got a couple song lyric titles. a couple quotes. a couple “how to...” apparently that was a whole phase I went through. Either the titles come to me immediately, or I put off choosing a title until the absolutely moment I need to post it, and then spend hours agonizing over a quote/song lyric/phrase that fits and probably begging others for help.

Do you outline: YES. Possibly overly so. I’ve ran into issues in the past, when I was much younger, where I didn’t resolve problems proposed early in the story. So I need to know where the story is going in order to lay the proper groundwork. Also, if I do not write things down I forget them five minutes later. I also think outlining is a useful trick to jumpstart writing, so if the muse just isn’t present, I’ll try to lure her out by outlining. 

Complete: 19 fics. 

In progress: Oh boy this is so hard to count. As far as what’s posted? Technically only one: “How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain). Despite the fact that I think the deadline was extended multiple time, I procrastinated and ended up rushing chapter one to meet the rebelcaptain rom-com challenge deadline. Didn’t really have a proper outline for this one, even though I knew vaguely what I wanted it to be about. I wrote chapter two but I hated what I wrote so I ... I kinda abandoned it. I mean technically, I never consider a work abandoned, I always intend to get back to it. Some day when I have the inspiration I will. But this idea ended up being a challenge I didn’t feel ready for at the time, and then my interest moved on to other ideas.

I also had a longer story planned for “you must become an island (the horizon is all we have)” but only posted one part of it to finish it on time. Ideally this fic would be part of a series, but again, motivation is needed so we’ll see

Technically I have 22 rebelcaptain ideas alone (including some listed in this post) at various states of completed, plus a handful of Community and HMC ideas. Of the ones I’m most interested in, there’s probably about 14 that I really hope to finish and post some day. 

ETA: omg i totally forgot that i was idly considering trying to finish my rebelcaptain soulmate AU in time for Valentine’s Day, but at this point I haven’t had any motivation to write so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. that fic has been sitting in my drafts since 2018 and in my drafts it will continue to sit.

Coming soon: “soon” is relative but these are currently the ones I’ve focused the most on recently:

Fencing AU (rebelcaptain)

You’ve Got Mail AU (rebelcaptain)

Post-War Fic with @allatariel (rebelcaptain, plus a LOT of other ships, includes Rebels characters, OT characters, and... maybe some others :) )

Palm Springs/time loop AU (Jeff/Annie)

Do you accept prompts: Wellllll here’s the thing. When I’ve asked for prompts, I haven’t been the best at fulfilling them in a timely manner. For that reason, I don’t encourage prompts but I’m not opposed to them. (I suppose technically exchange fics are prompts, and I wrote a bunch of fics in 2017 for rebelcaptainprompts, but I’m not gonna count those because I don’t think that’s what the question here is really going for)

“The Climb (A Lie, A Hero)” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain) was actually a prompt. 

I solicited prompts for my birthday in 2019, which I didn’t end up fulfilling until exactly one year later. 

Technically the You’ve Got Mail AU is a prompt, someone prompted me to write a fic for my favorite go-to comfort movie.

And, uh, the certain someone who tagged me for this meme prompted me in a comment back in October 2017 to do a Luke and Leia swap where Leia grows up on Tatooine, so that is sitting in my WIP list. 

Yeah, this is why I don’t solicit or encourage prompts. The return rate is just not fair for the prompter. 

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: this fluctuates on any given day. the fencing AU is so close to being done (well the first draft anyways) so i really really want to just finish it! But yeah it’d be anything on the coming soon list above.

tagging: @allatariel, @cats-and-metersticks, @lothcatlovesysalamiri, @veritascara, @brynnmclean and anyone who sees this and wants to do it! also ofc per usual no pressure if u don’t want to.

[lillupon]

Hey! I'm the anon who sent in the ask on Friday or Saturday about losing AEV and going on a whole ordeal trying to find it again. I'm also the one who told you the name of Grind by abnegative. I didnt think that I'd be sending this many asks in but then I read chapter 11 of Aev and I had so many things I wanted to comment about. So here we go, this is gonna be a long one.

1. Let me know what you think of Grind when you finally get around to reading it. I love it a lot and I'm constantly re-reading it.

2. Mr. Jeon and Mingyu are so awkward together. It's so cuuuute!!! I wonder what's gonna happen to get them past that barrier. I dont want any spoilers but it's fun to imagine all the different scenarios that could happen.

3. I wonder what mingyus reaction would be if he found out that Wonwoo prepared himself in the shower and with the clothes he picked out hoping that ~things~ would happen. I like to think that he'd be sooo turned on at that tidbit of information. Also seeing wonwoo in casual clothes AND without the scent blockers! Mingyu is definitely wrecked. I'd love to see his pov for this scene.

4. Mr. Jeon telling Mingyu to call him wonwoo!!!! Yes please!!!! I've been waiting for that moment to happen! I thought it would happen the 1st time they had sex but this is better! They've finally crossed a line that was definitely there. Before it was obvious that they definitely were not just teacher and student but this has solidified that.

5. The way wonwoo smashes their lips together at the very end of the chapter! Yes!!!! I would loooove more of Wonwoo initiating things!!!! It does things to my heart ♡♡♡♡

6. I love how they're scenting each other and at 1st I was like that's fine cuz they dont go back to school for a few days but then I remembered that mingyus sister is in wonwoos class and could possibly recognize the smell. Theres definitely a chance of things going wrong there.

7. Also sims anon was so accurate! I love it. And sims anon updated their twitter!

8. The more I think about it the more I want to see a spinoff entirely in mingyus pov! That would be amazing.

9. I started drawing fanart of chapter 11... I don't know if I'll get around to finishing it. I hope I do, so you can see it. Right now the proportions between the boys and the car is all wrong

10. OMG I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THIS. The day after I 1st started reading aev I had a dream about it. Except wonwoo was a professor and mingyu was a college freshman. Wonwoo ended up going to an outside restaurant bar after school to get a drink. He thought he wouldnt see any of his students because none of them were of legal drinking age yet, but Mingyu showed up. Wonwoo sighed in disappointment that he wasnt able to get alone time but Mingyu turned to him and said "dont worry, I'm not here to bother you." Then he turned to the bartender and just said "the regular please." Wonwoo watched as Mingyu began pulling notebooks and textbooks out of his bag, along with a few worksheets. The bartender returned with a glass of ice water and Mingyu said "Thank you" with a smile to him. Minuets passed and Mingyu was working on homework while Wonwoo stole a few glances at him every now and then. After a while Wonwoo noticed that Mingyu was struggling with something, so he moved over to sit directly next to Mingyu and said "What are you stuck on?" Mingyu explained what he wasnt getting and Wonwoo was able to help him out. Eventually they both had to leave, Mingyu left 1st and then Wonwoo a little while later. But the following day, they found each other in the same position. This continued for weeks. The two of them would meet after school at the outdoor restaurant bar and wonwoo would help mingyu with his homework. Eventually the conversations would shift and become more personal. They got to know each other outside of a teacher student relationship. One day, Mingyu didnt have any homework, but he still showed up. Wonwoo bought him an alcoholic drink (the bartender let it slide becuase 1, he knew mingyu and 2, it's illegal for people underage to buy alcohol but it's not illegal for them to drink it). The two ended up having a bit too much, they let their gaurds down and one thing led to another. They ended getting a taxi back to wonwoos house.

And then I woke up... but it was very heavily implied that once they got to wonwoos house, they learned the intricate details of each others bodies.

Anyways... that's a lot... sorry. I guess if I'm gonna keep submitting things I might as well have a sign off sooo

Sincerely, 🦊anon (fox anon) (she/they)

Hi and welcome back, fox anon! 

1: Yes, I will let you know if I get around to reading Grind. I had someone recommend it to me again yesterday through twitter DMs! It must be very good, but I haven’t been in much of a mood to read or write lately. But I hope other folks will check it out if they have the time and are looking for something to read.

3: “I wonder what mingyus reaction would be if he found out that Wonwoo prepared himself in the shower and with the clothes he picked out hoping that ~things~ would happen” reminded me that I FORGOT TO POST THE BONUS FOR THIS CHAPTER! Ahh thank you. It’s a small crumb that I decided to remove from the final version; I’ll get it up shortly (´ ∀ ` *). But yes, haha, Mingyu would be extremely turned on at the thought of Wonwoo preparing and pampering himself for their carpark date.

6: Yes, Wonwoo’s pheromones will be on Mingyu after all that scenting and sexy times (it probably drives Mingyu crazy, being able to smell Wonwoo’s slick on him). However, no one actually knows what Wonwoo smells like! So they won’t be able to associate the omega pheromones on Mingyu with Wonwoo.

7: Yes, simsminwon is spoiling me with AEV content omg my eyes have been blessed... IT FITS AEV TO A T  (╥ω╥) (╥ω╥) (╥ω╥)

8: It would be pretty fun(ny) to see the contrast between Mingyu and Wonwoo’s point of view! The moment when he realises that he has a big fucking crush on Mr. Jeon would be so cute ;-; Like, he’s probably thinking about Mr. Jeon all the time, even when he’s with Momo! I’ve tried writing some major events in Mingyu’s POV, but I haven’t really done that lately; I haven’t been doing much reading or writing in general lately, haha.

9: GASP (♡°▽°♡) FANART?! I’m also really hoping you’ll finish it, fox anon >.<!!! I would love to see it.

10: I LOVE THIS! Lmao! What is Mingyu doing, working on assignments at a bar?! Dude, I wish I could have some minwon dreams. A pity you woke up before they banged  (; ω ; )ヾ(´∀`* )

See you around!

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Sorry! Lehner had around a 10 minute rant today about how he feels like the NHL lied to the players about loosening up the restrictions placed on teams and forced teams to get the Covid Vaccine. ESPN and the New York Post released an article about it today.

(this is a follow-up on this ask)

Ah okay, I found a TSN article about it, which covers the fact that he also apologized for some of his remarks (mainly comparing the restrictions to being “like prison” which is a bit cringe when you’re a millionaire in a free hotel, yeah), and also significantly clarified some of the intent behind what he was trying to say at the presser:

I’m gonna put my full thoughts this under a cut because it’s ended up running pretty long and rambly, but tl;dr: after considering his more precisely clarified points here and with the perspective I know he’s coming from, I can honestly see and empathize with what Lehner seems to be expressing here about how the NHL has chosen to handle player vaccinations and informing them about what that means for the restrictions on their lives, and I actually don’t disagree with his criticisms overall. Some of the phrasing could have been better, but he’s acknowledged that too.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL may have done a poor job of honestly managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the extra restrictions placed on the players and their families with each team, and that they’re also up to some version of their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

Right, so, long thoughts are down here. Also gonna copy the majority of his comments directly because I think it’s worthwhile for people to read exactly what he said:

"As I’m frustrated like a lot of people in the world right now everything didn’t come out of today’s press in the right way," Lehner wrote. "Main point is that we need to start take the mental health important as well In this situation. It has a huge impact on everyone in society right now. To put competitive edge before well being of people's lives is wrong. As I said, people are struggling with many different things mentally and we need to consider that, as well. Then, being lied to makes it worse."

I love hockey and the league has done a lot of good things," Lehner continued. "But this missed the mark. My bad to say it’s like prison and I apologize, but with mental health issues that are developing in the world, it develops problems mentally. We will see exactly how this affects everything with time. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I hope we can all work together to help people that suffer through mental help from this going forward. I’ve heard how a lot of people are doing through this as people talk to me about it."

During his briefing, Lehner said that the league has misled the players about how vaccination will lead to the loosening of restrictions.

"They told me yesterday that they're surveying all of the teams to see who has taken the vaccine and who has not taken the vaccine and they're not going to change the rules for us as players until all of the teams have a fair [amount] of [vaccinated players] at the same time, so there's not a competitive edge," Lehner said. "And that made me go crazy, to be honest."

Lehner said the league is failing to look at its players as people first and lied to them about taking the vaccine.

"These are human lives and people are struggling with this stuff a lot in society and we are humans just as everyone else," Lehner said. "So there's a twofold problem for me here - the first one is we got promised something to take something that not necessarily everyone wanted. So that was lie - a blatant lie. Second, to put competitive edge over human lives in terms of going back - and I'm not saying we're going out to a party or whatever, but we had a meeting when the season started, at the beginning of camp, that pretty much told us we can't go outside of our house, can't do anything, can't go to the grocery store, can do nothing on the road. You can take a meal out of the meal room and go sit up in your room, don't be with your teammates, don't do this, don't do that. Nobody thinks about the mental impact."

The Gothenburg, Sweden native says his peers are struggling through this pandemic season.

"I know people will say, 'Oh, you're millionaires' and this and that or 'What about these guys?' but we care about that, too, man," Lehner said. "No matter what people think, this is a society problem. But when government, corporations, NHL, whoever are taking decisions in terms of irrelevant things like competitive edge over the human being? It's not okay."

It seems pretty clear to me from this article that his main issue isn’t really with getting the vaccine or being required to do so (my understanding is that it is still opt-in for all players, not mandatory. It’s that he doesn’t view the League as having provided players with a realistic expectation ahead of time for how being vaccinated would or would not change their daily reality. That they were led to believe that getting vaccinated would lead to things that didn’t end up happening, and therefore weren’t empowered to make an informed choice about when to get vaccinated.

The way he describes it, the League was not clear enough ahead of time about the fact that individual players being vaccinated would not make them individually exempt from league-wide restrictions, and this created a feeling of false hope about what getting vaccinated would mean in terms of not just having to stay in your house or hotel room literally all the time. If you were looking forward to getting vaccinated because you were led to believe it would mean finally not having to live in that isolated, mentally draining environment all the time, and then only found out at the last minute or after the fact that no, you actually still have to keep following all these rules that are making your life so isolated and difficult, that’s gotta be pretty emotionally jarring. If you were a player who was a little unsure about getting vaccinated quite yet (for whatever reason, including possibly being in a risk group for side-effects or just not wanting to get waylaid for a week with the smile symptoms it induces during a crucial stretch of games), but decided it was worth it for the tradeoff of getting back to a life that was less of a strain on your mental health, and then got told AFTER you made that decision and got the shot that no, that tradeoff isn’t happening the way you were made to expect it to, I think it would understandably piss you off.

It also sounds like part of what he has taken issue with is that, from the sounds of it rather than ease internal restrictions on a team-by-team basis as determined by each team’s vaccination rates (which would mean that if for example the Wild had 95% of their team vaccinated, the Wild only the Wild would get to start living a life with slightly less restrictions), the League is instead opting to say “no, we’re only going to ease the rules for EVERYONE at the same time once all teams have reached similar numbers of vaccinated players and staff to ea other, because we would see having different rules for different teams as giving some of them an unfair competitive edge”.

Lehner takes umbrage with this approach, because he thinks that focusing solely on “competitive edge” by making more-vaccinated teams keep having to live incredibly isolated lives (even isolated from vaccinated teammates) is a case of the League prioritizing parity over the toll that barely being able to interact with other people or leave their houses is taking on players’ mental health. And I can really really understand his point here. We have all seen what quarantine has done to our individual mental health, and even if they are millionaires, those impacts also exist for the players.

I actually just recently re-read the Athletic piece about the intense mental health and addiction struggles Lehner has gone through and done the incredibly difficult work of getting help for in the last five years. This man has fought incredibly hard and done a massive amount of therapy and other work to sort out his head, deal with his demons, and get himself to a place where he can cope and wants to be alive. That kind of recovery journey is a battle which will continue for the rest of your life and requires constant maintenance practices (again, speaking from experience). He also spent most of this season not even getting to be around the team at all, stuck at home recovering from a concussion (which usually involves doing frustratingly little and waiting around impatiently in dimly lit rooms for your brain to heal). And now, upon returning to the team, road games mean more time spent sitting in a room trying not to be bored out of your skull, while possibly also having to have some limits on things like screen time as a post-concussion precaution.

Imagine being somebody like him, who has spent a lot of time working very hard to build up a lifestyle and a system of coping mechanisms in recent years which have allowed him to live a healthier and happier life, to then be thrown back into an isolated and highly restricted new lifestyle where probably at least half of all those habits and norms and support systems are taken out of reach, that has to be incredibly difficult (I’ve experienced something similar myself this year). Especially when you haven’t been able to even go and be with the team in the dressing room, or probably even do anything with your family that classes above “mildly strenuous”, because you’re out for six weeks recovering from a concussion, which is its own mental and physical health battle. And then, you are apparently given the impression from the League that “hey, if you’re willing to get vaccinated, that will lead to you being able to return to some semblance of a life that is less taxing on your psyche”, and you agreed to do so even if you were perhaps cautious about getting the vaccine before, because you’d rather accept whatever risk comes with the shot than gamble on keeping your sanity together for however much longer this isolation drags on, only to then find out that “actually no, even if your team and staff is entirely vaccinated you still have to spend most of your time sitting alone in rooms trying not to sink into a spiral of dangerous depression until other teams in other states with different vaccination programs are also immunized to similar levels, and our only real reasoning for holding that mental relief out of reach is mostly based on ‘competitive parity’”.

Yeah, I absolutely understand why he would feel very frustrated and even betrayed by that course of action! For Lehner, it’s not about competitive edges or the game on the ice, it’s about having made the decision to get vaccinated at this time with the understanding that it would allow access to an at least slightly less mentally taxing lifestyle, only to find out later that the League seemingly never intended to follow through on providing that despite you holding up your end of the deal. And it sounds like he is speaking for a number of other players beyond just himself who are also struggling with their mental health in these conditions. Even if he himself is managing to cope because of what he’s learned in his recovery, he would certainly be well-positioned to recognize signs in the people around him that they are struggling in ways that may be similar to what he went though before, and know how dire that can spiral into being.

Look, I don’t think Robin Lehner ever expected to be allowed to go out and lick people’s eyeballs or wander the supermarket maskless once vaccinated, but you heard the description of how intensely restrictive the NHL’s rules for players off-ice lives during COVID are. They are far more intense than the rules being enforced for non-NHL individuals in many of the same cities and states, because the NHL is trying to bring risk as close to zero as possible. And if you were a player told that being vaccinated was going to reduce contagion risks enough to mean that right away the NHL would finally let you and your teammates from “can’t go anywhere or see anyone, eat your dinner in your hotel room and try not to be depressed about it” to “you can go to the store with a mask on. you can eat meals with your also-vaccinated teammates. you can visit your parents or siblings while social-distancing/masking. you can spend free time around other people and/or in more public spaces without being chaperoned constantly by team staff. you can sit next to your also-vaccinated teammates on the plane/bus. you can hang out with them in their room”, and THEN later were told “sorry, we’re not actually going to let you do that yet. not for COVID reasons but rather because we worry not being totally miserable shut-ins will give you a competitive edge over that team in another state who aren’t getting vaccinated as quickly”. That has to feel like a slap in the face in terms of how much the league actually cares about your well-being or about being honest in its role in your personal medical decisions. Perhaps when he says “forced” he is expressing a feeling of being stuck between choosing “either get vaccinated or let your mental health keep degrading in isolation”, only to find out that making the deal doesn’t get you the relief you were promised.

Idk I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot here trying to circle in on my precise point bc my brain is a little scrambled today, but like. If the players made their decisions to consent to vaccination (at this time, with whatever version of the shot was offered, under whatever circumstances they may have going on personally or medically) based on one understanding of the situation, and then NHL really said “lol NOPE actually that was a false premise” and changed things after the fact, that’s kinda an informed consent issue and I think he’s right to call it fucked up! And everything he says about how mentally taxing such a super-isolated lifestyle is honestly only repeats worries I myself had right from the moment the “stay in your hotel room alone” rule was announced — that the League may be underestimating the toll (especially with some of the long road trips this season) that forcing players to live in total isolation like that was going to have on individual wellbeing and team morale.

Robin’s comments this morning could have been put better, but as somebody who has ADHD and who knows about bipolar disorder, I know emotions for folks with brains like ours can run fast and intense and sometimes lead to not always planning out every word as precisely and you might later have liked to once that moment has passed. The fact that he apologized for the less tactful part of the comment and sought to clarify his words tells me he’s thought a lot about this and wasn’t happy with how he expressed his thoughts initially. Also, while his English is very good, you can sometimes forget it isn’t his first language, Swedish is — some thoughts don’t translate exactly as they sounded in your head. That said, also Robin Lehner one of the more outspoken NHL players about mental health issues in recent years, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of guy to mince his words or tiptoe around a point — I’m not surprised he’s the person expressing these concerns about mental health, and I’m not surprised he was a bit blunt about it either lol.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL did a poor job of managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the players and their families, and that they’re also up to their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

(also: the New York Post is a right-leaning sensationalist rag 90% of the time. take all spin it puts on things with a grain of salt)

[welshdragonrawr]

For the “let’s get personal asks”.... all of them?? Please?? I’ll do anything 🙈 ~🍑

Anythiiiiing? That’s a mighty offer. I’ll try to keep these short and simple cuz there’s so many and poor moots will end up suffering a long post on their dash. But if anyone wants a long-winded elaboration on anything, feel free to ask.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? This Is Me Trying by Taylor Swift, Landslide by Stevie Nicks, In the End by Linkin Park, Perfect Places by Lorde, Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers, Wasteland Baby by Hozier

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Sarah Paulson

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.However. Kits is glowering at me. I’m only too aware that...

4: What do you think about most? Life

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Your latest [redacted] phone bill is ready. Check it out in your [redacted] account

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? With 

7: What’s your strangest talent? Writing? It’s my only talent

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls are incredible. Boys are alright.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? Yes

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? About a month ago

11: Do you have any strange phobias? So many, not sure if they’re full-blown phobias tho

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? No

13: What’s your religion? What’s the name for respecting aspects of a lot but not following one specifically?

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Walking?

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Fleetwood Mac

17: What was the last lie you told? I haven’t got you anything yet

18: Do you believe in karma? Yes

19: What does your URL mean? I used to live in Wales and I’m too stubborn/attached to change it

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Insecurity/Loyalty

21: Who is your celebrity crush? Sarah Paulson

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? No

23: How do you vent your anger? Writing

24: Do you have a collection of anything? Books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Neither Phone I think

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? Yes and No

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? Metal scratching glass/Sarah Paulson’s voice

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? What if I had never gotten seriously ill when I did

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and Yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Phone/Blanket

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? Jacket potatoes cooking

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? [Redacted] Hospital

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Hozier?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? To make the most of the miraculous fact we’re here at all 

36: Define Art. Truth, Beauty, Horror and History 

37: Do you believe in luck? Yes

38: What’s the weather like right now? Grey and overcast

39: What time is it? 1pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? No, so no

41: What was the last book you read? Thin Air by Michelle Paver

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? No

43: Do you have any nicknames? So many

44: What was the last film you saw? The Princess Diaries

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Just cuts and bruises so far luckily

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? Yes

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Sarah Paulson

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Lesbian

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? Yes

50: Do you believe in magic? Sometimes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Sometimes

52: What is your astrological sign? Scorpio

53: Do you save money or spend it? Save

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? Car accessories for a xmas present

55: Love or lust? Love

56: In a relationship? ‘It’s complicated’

57: How many relationships have you had? 3 I think?

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Yes

59: Where were you yesterday? At home

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Flowers

61: Are you wearing socks right now? No

62: What’s your favourite animal? Otter

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Kindness

64: Where is your best friend? Too far away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. @serawalkerwrites, @sisterxwinters, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @thefandomlesbian, @awildgothappeared

66: What is your heritage? Not much

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Reading in bed

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? Why don’t you ask him?

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Yes

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yes

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Help the dog

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? a) certain people b) visit my loved ones c) yes

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. 

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? [Redacted]

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Communication, Kindness and Care

77: How can I win your heart? Be Kind

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? Sometimes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Deciding to message the ones who’ve become my closest friends

80: What size shoes do you wear? 5 (european size)

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? Don’t really know, probably something literary

82: What is your favourite word? Fernweh

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Loved ones

84: What is a saying you say a lot? Keep on keeping on

85: What’s the last song you listened to? This Is Me Trying by Taylor Swift

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Purple/Red/Blue

87: What is your current desktop picture? Drunk Princess Leia (cover art from Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher)

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? He who shall not be named

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? What are you truly afraid of?

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Go back to sleep probably

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Telekinesis?

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Some time with my Aunt

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Onset of chronic illness

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Florence Welch

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Florida for reasons

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? No

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yes

98: Ever been on a plane? Yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Be kind to one another. This world is a shitshow right now. Choose to be a good plot twist in it.

That was long, so congrats to anyone who actually sat through/read all that.