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invisibleanonymousmonsters · 4 years ago

Text

two can keep a secret

Character: Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Summary: What is the difference between a secret and a lie? Jason Todd is in love. But will his relationship survive when Y/N realizes she doesn’t know him at all?

Word Count: 9,500+ [One Shot]

Warnings: Violence, mentions of rape, domestic violence, and murder

She is the first thing he thinks of when he slowly comes to.

Not her face, like some glowing angel that you always see in those stupid movie montages, where the protagonist’s wife or girlfriend tragically died and he’s thinking of her.

No, Jason is thinking about how pissed Y/N’s going to be when he misses date night.

Jason didn’t need to go out to a fancy restaurant or cocktail bar to be content. Doing absolutely nothing with Y/N was more than enough for him. But she deserved more than that – not that she ever said so. Jason was the one who insisted on taking her out every so often. So he sucked it up and did anything to make that woman smile. It didn’t hurt that Y/N was too talented at dolling herself up.

Y/N was probably sitting with her hair curled and her makeup done to perfection (after watching a YouTube tutorial for a look she had been wanting to try for weeks). Or, depending on how much time had passed, she had given up and bitterly changed into her pajamas.

The other unfortunate fact was that Y/N still didn’t know that Jason had a double life. She had zero idea that her boyfriend of a few months was also the infamous Red Hood.

So, yeah, Y/N was going to be pissed, thinking that Jason simply forgot about date night or just completely blew her off.

Just when Jason was fighting the migraine to open his eyes, someone kicked his shins roughly.

“I know you’re awake,” someone sang to him.

Jason blinked and squinted, realizing that his helmet was still intact.

Well, that’s one positive.

He looked at the man standing just a few feet away from him. Decked out in a fancy green suit, horned rimmed glasses, and that stupid little bowler hat.

The Riddler.

Jason always found him to be mostly an inconvenience. But clearly he’d done something to piss off the annoying genius, because this was a lot of effort on his part.

“What the fuck do you want?” Jason growled, knowing his voice sounded even more dangerous with his helmet distorting it.

Riddler smiled and put his arms behind his back. “You have become rather troublesome, Red Hood.”

“Oh, how the tables have turned,” Jason answered with sarcasm.

But Jason hadn’t been interfering with the Riddler for quite some time, so he was still rather confused what was going on.

“Our mutual friend is quite tired of you meddling with his business. Also, it’s not cheap to replace all of his goons you keep murdering.”

Jason tilted his head. “You’re gonna have to be a bit more specific.”

Riddler narrowed his eyes with slight annoyance. “Why the Clown Prince of Crime, of course.” Jason’s body tensed at the name and the Riddler noticed immediately. “He figured if you came back from the dead once before, there’s a chance you could do it again.”

Then the Riddler stopped his pacing and did a dramatic gesture to himself. “Which is where I come in. You see, he thought it would save him some time and effort to simply hire me.” He moved closer to Jason. “He figured if he couldn’t kill you…maybe you deserve a different punishment.”

Jason audible sighed. “Am I supposed to be scared?”

While it sounded like a joke, there was a truth to the question. Jason stopped fearing death long ago. And once you’ve died and come back to life, there’s nothing really that scared Jason Todd anymore. Which was why he had become the ruthless and merciless antihero of Gotham.

Batman would hurt criminals enough to break them. Red Hood would simply kill them.

Though after fighting his family became too much, Jason finally agreed to stop his massacres. But the criminals of Gotham didn’t need to know that. And Jason would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy how much they shook at the mere sight of him.

“Oh, I’m sure we can figure out how to return some fear into that ice cold heart of yours,” Riddler whispered in Jason’s ear before pressing a button.

A swinging light bulb flashed on.

No, no, no, no. no.

Below the source of the light was Y/N, tied to a chair by her hands and feet. A rag was across her mouth and tied at the back of her head. She was only in her underwear and a baggy t-shirt – Jason’s t-shirt. Further proving that she had been ripped from her bed and brought here against her will.

Jason completely controlled his reaction to seeing his girlfriend being held captive just 20 feet across from him. But in reality, his heart was about explode out of his chest.

Not this. Not her. Anything but her.

“What is this?” Jason asked, trying to sound as devoid of emotion as possible. The less she seemed to mean to him, the less Riddler would want to use her against him.

“I think you know exactly what this is, Red Hood.” Then Riddler practically skipped to Y/N’s side, who looked confused and terrified, clearly having no idea why any of this was happening to her of all people.

“Your quarrel is with me, Riddler. There’s no need to involve an innocent civilian.” Jason’s voice was cool and even.

But he ignored Jason and pulled a pistol out from the back of the waist.

Jason couldn’t remain calm any longer. He started struggling against the ties.

“Don’t worry. The fun has just begun. You get these three riddles right and I won’t hurt her – at least…not yet.”

But Jason was looking at Y/N. She was looking back at him, which did little to reassure her. She didn’t know who he was and his helmet wasn’t designed to comfort people.

“Hey, it’s gonna be OK.” He tried to tell her as softly as he could.

For some reason, she nodded. But Jason knew her well enough to see his words had little impact on her. Tears started streaming down her face and her entire body was shaking as she felt the cold metal of a gun pressed to her head.

“Shall we begin?” Riddler asked with a creepily joyful smile.

Jason waited. But as the Riddler was distracted, he was able to maneuver his arms to press the panic button on his wrist to send out a distress signal to the right people. It was his first time using it, always too proud or stubborn to ask for help.

But if Y/N was involved, none of that mattered anymore.

The Riddler’s eerie tone brought him back, “When you have me, you feel like sharing me. But if you do share me, you don’t have me.” He took in a deep breath. “What am I?”

Jason’s chest was heaving with anger. He should’ve been more careful. He should��ve stayed away from Y/N. He was a curse, a disease. Anyone that got close to him just ended up in danger. And he should’ve known better than to think he could be happy without consequences.

“Clock’s ticking, Red Hood.” He cocked the gun. “What am I?”

“A secret,” Jason growled.

“Surprise, surprise. There does seem to be some semblance of a brain underneath that stupid helmet of yours.”

Y/N closed her eyes in relief, causing more tears to escape and slide down her cheeks.

“When you have me more, you can see only less. What am I?” The Riddler asked.

Jason thought on the next riddle as he tried to find one of his knives hidden in his sleeve. But even when he grabbed one, it would take far too long to cut through this thick rope that kept him tied down.

“Darkness,” Jason answered confidently.

The Riddler seemed annoyed now. “One more riddle and then we’ll move on to another game. Or maybe we won’t, if you get it wrong.” He shifted so he was directly behind Y/N and facing Jason as he pointed the gun at the back of her head.

“The person who built it, sold it. The person who bought it, never used it. The person who used it, never saw it.” He tilted his head. “What is it?”

Jason finally found the edge of a knife. He subtly started cutting at the ropes on the back of his chair, praying he could buy himself enough time to get him out.

The Riddler lifted the gun to the ceiling and shot it, causing Y/N to jump and let out a yelp.

“I’m waiting!” He snapped at Jason.

“A coffin!” Jason growled. “Put the gun down and let her go. You’ve had your fun.”

The Riddler laughed. “Oh, you think that this was the main attraction?” He put the gun down, but moved to grip Y/N’s chin roughly.

“Secrets, darkness, coffin,” Riddler listed the three answers aloud. Then he turned to Jason. “What do all of them have in common?”

Riddler moved back behind Y/N and leaned down to whisper in her ear. The feeling alone caused a chill to go down her spine. “You’ve been lied to, my dear. The decision to bring you here was not random at all. That I can promise you.”

“Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone,” he sang loudly, his voice echoing in the warehouse. Then he danced back to Y/N and pulled down the rag around her mouth, finally allowing her to speak.

“Red Hood, question for you. How many people have you killed?”

Don’t do this, Jason begged in his mind.

He didn’t answer.

The Riddler didn’t appreciate this and quickly walked to Y/N, smacking her across the face with the back of his hand.

Jason struggled against his restraints.

Riddler whipped back to him. “Answer the question!”

“I don’t know,” he barked back.

“You don’t know because there’s so many?” Riddler challenged.

“I don’t keep track,” Jason answered quickly, knowing his silence would only cause Y/N more pain.

“More then 10?”

“Yes.”

“More then 50?” Riddler asked with an evil grin.

“Yes.”

Riddler turned to Y/N. “It’s actually 83.”

It was the first Jason had heard the number. But he knew better than to question it.

“You call yourself a hero. But looks to me like you’re just a murderer,” the Riddler cooed with a sneer.

Jason hung his head in shame. “I’ve never called myself a hero.”

Riddler ignored his comment and turned his attention fully to Y/N now. “Now this next one is for you, dear. And it’s a tricky one.” The Riddler took in a deep breath. “I hurt the most when lost, yet also when not had at all. I’m sometimes the hardest to express, but the easiest to ignore. I can be given to many…or only just one.”

Y/N swallowed, repeating the words over and over again in her head.

“L-Love,” she finally stuttered out, but seemed sure of her answer.

The Riddler smiled at her response. He turned to Jason. “You sure know how to pick ‘em, Red Hood.” Then he shifted his weight. “Or should I say Jason?”

Jason saw the confusion on Y/N’s face from the comment.

“Tell me dear, did you know you were in love with a murderer?”

Y/N was discombobulated by such a question.

But before she could figure it out, the Riddler rushed to Jason and ripped off his helmet. When he saw that Jason was wearing a domino mask underneath, he rolled his eyes. “All you bats and birds are so paranoid!” Then he ripped that off, too.

Y/N’s eyes widened at the sight of her boyfriend.

But Jason didn’t catch it. He was too busy hanging his head, scared to meet her gaze.

“Surprised?” The Riddler asked her with glee.

Her tears started again. But they weren’t just from being scared now. They were tears of betrayal.

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t cry,” the Riddler mocked.

“You did what you wanted. Now let her go,” Jason growled.

He tugged at his ropes, but his knife wasn’t cutting fast enough.

“Let her go?” The Riddler was baffled. “Who said anything about letting her go? I said I wasn’t going to hurt her if you cooperated. But killing her is the only way I can hurt you, Red Hood. Don’t worry, I shall make it quick!”

With that he raised his gun to her head once again. Y/N squeezed her eyes shut, truly believing this is how she was going to die.

“NO!” Jason screamed.

But right before pulling the trigger, Riddler’s grip was knocked away by a batarang.

Jason felt sick with relief when he turned to see Batman and Robin making their way to the Riddler.

Riddler was not a fighter. He always made a run for it.

But when he turned to do so, he was met with Nightwing blocking his path.

Jason felt someone drop behind him and realized that Red Robin was getting rid of his restraints.

Riddler looked around him with crazed eyes, realizing he was about to be outnumbered five to one. “This is too many vigilantes for my liking. Time for backup.” He pulled out a button and pressed it before Dick could rip the unknown device from his hands.

An explosion erupted in the warehouse, catching everyone off guard.

Tim had just finally released Jason from his restraints when the impact hit.

Jason saw as Y/N’s chair was knocked off its legs, taking her to the floor with it. Her head slammed against the hard concrete floor.

As soon as the explosion settled, Jason sprinted to her.

When he reached her, she was knocked unconscious. “Y/N! Come on, beautiful. You’re OK. You’re OK.”

But the words were to convince himself. He felt for a pulse and let out a sigh of relief when it was still strong.

Ever so carefully, he untied the ropes that held her to the chair. He ripped his jacket off his body and wrapped it around her shoulders. She seemed so small like this – so vulnerable. He’d tried so hard to keep her away from this darkness. And seeing her like this was the horrid reminder for why he’d lied to her about who he was.

His family watched with concern as Jason stood with her limp body in his arms. By some miracle, the blast missed all of them. It was used as more of a distraction than as an attempt to take any of them out.

Jason slowly walked to Bruce.

“Take her. Please.” His eyes desperate at first, but then they darkened. “There’s something I have to do.”

Bruce’s jaw tightened. “We had a deal.”

But he still gently took Y/N out of his arms.

“That was before her,” Jason answered as he took a final glance at Y/N.

“Jason, don’t do it,” Dick urged.

“Keep her safe,” was all Jason said before turning from them and running after the man that had put his love in danger.

“What shall we do with her?” Damian asked coldly as he eyed the young woman he was seeing for the first time.

“We’re taking her back to the manor,” Bruce told his sons.

“Is that wise?” Damian countered.

“He’ll need her. And she’ll need to know everything,” was all Bruce said as he started carrying Y/N to the batmobile.

————————

Y/N wasn’t awoken by people screaming from the streets below or the garbage truck coming too early to throw every neighbor’s trash can around at 5AM. She couldn’t hear the blasting of her window unit air conditioning.

No, instead she heard birds chirping outside and the wind rustling countless trees.

Did she even have a single tree on her block?

She squinted her eyes open and the night came rushing back to her.

Goons storming into her apartment, ripping her from her bed and throwing a bag over her head. Y/N just remembered thinking, “I’m just glad Jason wasn’t here. At least he’s safe.”

But Jason was far from safe. He was Red Hood: the infamous anti-hero that half of Gotham thought was a murderer and the other half swore he was just as much of a hero as the the other masked vigilantes.

How did she not see it sooner?

The random cuts and bruises. Constantly missing dates. Late-night texts when she had already fallen asleep. Always being exhausted when he was present.

But it was easy to ignore all of this because when they were together, things were good – no, things were amazing.

No man had ever made Y/N feel more seen and loved and appreciated. In fact, before him, Y/N had come to terms with being alone for the rest of her life. She made peace with it, had no problem with it.

But then Jason came stumbling into her life. And he didn’t accept Y/N being unloved the way she did. It was the thing that made him get over his own self-hatred and constant need to punish himself. If he wasn’t going to love Y/N for him, then he’d love Y/N because that’s what she deserved.

And Y/N felt that.

But he wasn’t who she thought he was. He had lied to her over and over again. When she was concerned over his injuries, he made up story after story. When she asked where he’d been after skipping a date, he used work as an excuse.

Did Y/N actually know Jason Todd at all?

Or had she only seen what she wanted to see?

Did the man she love even exist?

These were the questions racing through Y/N’s mind as she awoke in a bedroom that she didn’t recognize. Bedroom – if that’s even what she could call it. It felt more like a palace. She’d never slept on softer sheets or a comfier mattress. The room was bigger than her entire apartment. And from what she could see in the ensuite bathroom, it looked like it belonged in a five-star hotel.

Y/N’s observations paused when she saw Red Hood’s leather jacket tossed on top of the fancy chaise lounge on the other side of the room. No, not Red Hood’s leather jacket. Jason’s. It was the only indication that he had been there.

Am I in Wayne Manor? Y/N asked herself.

At least Jason hadn’t lied about that, explaining his afflicted relationship with his family casually a few times. But in a way that always told Y/N he didn’t want to talk about it in depth.

The leather jacket then caused Y/N to look down at herself. She was wearing a white t-shirt and grey cotton sleep shorts. Clearly they were mens. Someone had changed her while she had been asleep – or…unconscious.

Fuck, her head really hurt.

Having enough of being confused, Y/N slipped out of the bed and decided she was going to hunt down an explanation.

The bedroom was placed in a long hallway. Taking a 50/50 chance, Y/N decided to go right instead of left.

She walked as quietly as possible, still feeling uncomfortable in such surroundings.

After she stepped down the most extravagant staircase she’d ever seen, she heard sounds come from around the corner. It sounded like movement in a kitchen.

When she reached a doorway, she saw an elderly man dressed as a butler. As he was cooking, he caught Y/N’s presence from the corner of his eye. He quickly turned and gave her a comforting smile.

“Ah! Ms. Y/L/N, your timing is impeccable. I was just finishing up breakfast.”

But she remained unsure of the situation.

“Oh, I do apologize. Where are my manners? I am Alfred Pennyworth.” He quickly stepped to her and offered his hand. “I am the butler for the Wayne family.”

“So…this is Wayne Manor?” Y/N asked after awkwardly shaking his hand in the doorway, completely forgetting to share her own name. But he cleary already knew it.

He smiled at her. “Yes, Master Wayne brought you here after last nights…theatrics.” Before either of them could discuss the “theatrics” he slyly mentioned, he pulled out a chair at the table in the kitchen. “Please, sit. You must be famished.”

This man hardly looked threatening, so she decided to follow his instructions.

Alfred quickly placed a large plate with a full English breakfast on it, a mug of steaming coffee, and a glass of water. Then he offered her a bottle of advil.

Y/N looked up at him with a curious glance.

“I can only assume your head is aching quite a bit. From what I was told, you took quite the fall from the explosion.”

At least Y/N knew she hadn’t imagined the nightmare. It was real. She quickly took two of the pills and chugged the glass of water.

Alfred didn’t hover, instead continuing to work on more breakfast.

But Y/N’s breakfast was quickly interrupted when Bruce Wayne walked into the kitchen.

He eyed her carefully, hiding his surprise at her being awake. Casually, he went to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup.

“How are you feeling?” Bruce asked her.

Y/N was surprised how genuine his concern sounded.

“Confused,” she blustered out without meaning to.

Bruce smirked. “I meant your head.”

She cleared her throat. “Right. Ummm…just a terrible headache. But I think I’ll live.”

“Good.”

To her shock, Bruce sat across from her. He drank his coffee as his eyes raced across the tablet in his hand.

Y/N took a few bites of food before she had the courage to ask one of the many questions that were racing around her head.

“Where is Jason?” She asked slowly and carefully.

Alfred seemed to tense at the question and hesitated before saying, “Master Jason thought it best to give you some space.”

Y/N didn’t know what to make of his answer.

Bruce seemed to be studying her.

Y/N wanted to shrink under his scrutiny, but fought the feeling and met his gaze head on, as if challenging him.

“He’s in the cave,” Bruce told her evenly.

It seemed no one was trying to hide their family secrets from Y/N.

“I’d like to see him.”

Bruce and Alfred shared a look and what seemed to be a silent conversation.

After a moment, Bruce stood up. “I’ll take you.”

Y/N jumped out of her seat to follow him.

Next thing she knew, Bruce was taking her through a secret passage and there was a dark and dreary staircase in front of her.

Bruce gestured for her to go forward, silently telling her he wasn’t coming with.

As soon as Y/N started down the cold staircase, a shiver went down her spin. The temperature immediately dropped.

When she reached the bottom, she looked around and found Jason sparring with a man she recognized as Dick Grayson.

Jason did a double take as soon as Y/N took a step away from the staircase.

Dick followed his gaze and his face dropped.

The two men shared a look and their sparring ended.

Dick walked to her and gave Y/N a charming smile as he held out his hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Y/N. I’m Dick.”

Y/N forced a shy smirk and shook his hand, but said nothing.

Now it was just Jason and Y/N.

Y/N’s arms tightly held herself because of the freezing temperature of the batcave, and because she didn’t know how this conversation was about to end.

“Hi,” Jason said awkwardly.

“Hi.”

“How’d you get down here?”

Y/N shrugged. “Bruce.”

Jason looked her up and down before quickly turning and grabbing the sweatshirt he had discarded before working out and sparring.

He handed it to her, making sure not to get too close. “Here. It gets fucking frigid in this stupid cave.”

Y/N quickly put it on. But she didn’t miss how Jason tried to keep his distance.

“I’m not scared of you,” she muttered.

He cocked an eyebrow, but she could still see the hurt in his face. “Really? Because you’re not looking at me like I’m the same person.”

“Because you’re not,” Y/N snapped.

Y/N imagined this conversation would be filled with rage. She thought she’d start yelling at Jason and then she wouldn’t be able to stop. She’d tell him how disappointed she was in him, how he was just like every other man who had hurt her. Her hands would be quivering in fists at her side. The anger…it would consume her.

So imagine her surprise when her bottom lip started trembling and tears started streaming down her face. And she could do nothing to stop it.

Little did she know that watching this hurt Jason more than her anger ever could.

He took a step toward her. It was his instinct – an instinct that was so hard to fight in this moment.

“You know…it’s really hard for me to let people in – no, it’s hard for me to let men in. I don’t trust them. I stop doing that a long time ago. But you – fuck – I don’t even know why now. But I did let you in. I really did. I told you things I’ve never told anyone. I trusted you. I…I loved you, Jason.”

Jason looked in more pain than ever before. His eyes watered from seeing the woman he loved breaking down like this. And it was no one else’s fault, but his own.

“But you hid this whole part of yourself. You lied to me. Every excuse you made for your bruises and cuts, you were lying. Every time you canceled a date, you were lying. And I’m realizing that you lied to me about your life more than you ever told me the truth.”

She tried to wipe away the tears, but they were coming down too fast.

“Was the Riddler serious?” She accused. “Have you killed all those people?”

“I have.”

Y/N studied him for a second. A part of her hadn’t expected him to admit it. She was waiting for him to give her another lie. After all, it came so naturally to him.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” She practically whimpered.

“Yes,” he answered quickly. “I just…I didn’t know how. I was scared.”

Was there even anything he could say that would make her hate him less?

Jason ran a hand through his hair. “Y/N, I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you. And I should’ve kept you safe. You almost–” He felt sick. “You were almost killed last night. And it was because of me.”

Y/N’s eyes went dark. “Did you kill him? Did you kill the Riddler?”

Jason’s jaw clenched and his hands turned into fists at the mentioning of the criminal’s name. “No, but I should’ve.”

In truth, he almost had. It hadn’t been hard to catch up to the bastard. Jason beat him to in an inch of his death. But not before he confirmed that no one else knew of Y/N’s existence. No, he didn’t kill the Riddler. But he beat him so badly that he would be in the coma for the rest of his days – unable to speak, meaning no one else would ever know about Y/N.

“I don’t do that anymore. Bruce and I…we have a deal.”

“He’s Batman,” she wasn’t asking. “And your brothers…” she didn’t need to finish.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me.” His head hung low. “I don’t deserve it. And I never deserved you in the first place. I always knew that. It’s probably why it was so hard to tell you. Because I knew the moment I did… you’d see me for the monster I really am.”

Y/N’s eyes were red now and her nose congested.

“You don’t owe me anything. But I just…I need to tell you this before I never see you again,” Jason quickly said, sensing this was their final goodbye. “I love you. I didn’t even think I could love someone the way I love you, Y/N. You…you’ve made me better. And you’re probably the only reason I was able to stop myself from killing that son of a bitch last night.”

It was Y/N’s face Jason saw when he was beating the Riddler. And then he realized, in some twisted way, that such a death would also be on her hands. He could handle having blood on his hands forever. But would never do that to Y/N.

Then Jason’s word turned so, so quiet. “But I also know I can’t ask you to stay after everything I’ve done to you.”

And for a moment, the two of them just stared at one another.

Y/N tried to wipe the last of her tears away once again. “I think I should go,” she mumbled.

“You can’t go back to your apartment. It’s not safe there anymore. Bruce offered to let you stay here for as long as necessary. I’ll leave,” he quickly added. “So you don’t have to worry about being around me.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m not staying here,” she said with a surprising amount of conviction. “I’ll stay with friends or something. But I don’t want to be here.”

What Y/N meant was that she didn’t want to be surrounded by the secrets Jason had kept from her. She didn’t want to be reminded of how little she actually knew him.

Somehow Jason seemed to realize that.

He took a cautious step toward her. “For what it’s worth, you do know me. I know you think that’s a lie. But no one sees me like you see me, Y/N. No one.” He pointed up. “Not even the fucked up people that call me their family.”

His words struck in a way she wasn’t expecting. But she made sure he didn’t know that and controlled her expression, staying as emotionless as possible.

Jason sighed, knowing this was their end. “Alfred will take you anywhere you want to go.”

He wanted to tell her more. He wanted to ask – no, to beg – to hold her. Just one last time. But he would never ask that of her. How could he?

So he just watched as Y/N slowly turned and made her way back of the stairs.

Jason wanted to memorize her face as if this was the last time he’d lay eyes on her. But he knew himself better than that. He’d make sure she was safe, add her to his patrol as if it was normal addition to his vigilante life. Y/N didn’t deserve to be at risk for the rest of her life because she made the mistake of loving a man like him.

————————

1 MONTH LATER.

————————

Y/N didn’t realize how hard it would be. She thought she could just go back to the life she had before Jason ever fought his way into her heart. But it took her a month to understand that was never going to happen. She’d never be able to just forget him.

She thought anger would take over and make her hate Jason. Hate was always easier than love. And Y/N was banking on that.

But after everything Jason did, Y/N still couldn’t find it in her heart to hate him.

Because, at the end of the day, they still loved each other.

Despite his secrets and his lies, Y/N knew that Jason had been telling the truth about his feelings for her. He really did love her. She had felt it every day. Even at the beginning of their relationship – before they realized what they were feeling was love – Y/N always felt how much Jason cared for her.

That was why all of this was so hard for her.

Take away the lies, the secret vigilante life, the killing. Take it all away. And Y/N knew she had never met another man that made her feel the way Jason did – or…had.

That was really what Y/N had finally realized over the past weeks. She had thought it was betrayal and fear.

No.

She now understood that what she was feeling was a broken heart.

It was a first for her. One had to be in love in order to get their heart broken. And the only man Y/N ever loved was Jason Todd.

As the understanding washed over Y/N, she was staring out the window. She’d made herself a cup of coffee, but had been so lost in her thoughts that she’d let it grow cold. Then she felt a tickling down her cheek and realized that she had started crying.

Suddenly there was a quick knock at the front door of her apartment.

Y/N squinted in suspicion at the sound and sloppily rubbed the tears off her face.

She slowly walked to door, but stopped a few feet away, and just stared at it as her heart rate increased.

After Riddler’s men broke into her home and ripped her from bed, she had been anxious and cautious about any and all unexpected visitors. She hadn’t been sleeping. Either she couldn’t fall asleep or if she did, her night was infested with nightmares.

“Y/N? It’s Dick Grayson,” a voice called from the other side of the door.

She let out a small sigh of relief. How long had she been holding her breath?

There was a part of her that was screaming to still ignore the uninvited guest, despite it being someone she knew. But how well did she actually know Dick Grayson?

Except the other part – the part that could admit she missed Jason – wanted to speak to anyone that was from the part of her life she was trying so hard to forget.

Ever so slowly, she opened the door.

“Hi,” Dick beamed at seeing her appear. His smile and eyes were warm and friendly in a way that none of the other boys were.

“What are you doing here?” Y/N asked with a bit of rudeness.

She didn’t appreciate him giving her a scare. Especially because her two best friends that she now lived with were out of town for the weekend.

“I was hoping I could talk to you,” he gave her a shy but hopeful grin. Then he held up a tray of coffee and a paper baggie. “I brought you a latte and some doughnuts.”

Y/N eyed him. Her first thought was that maybe something had happened to Jason. But Dick’s delivery proved that wasn’t the case.

Her only invitation to Dick was a widening of the door and making room for him to walk past her.

This seemed to make him happy though.

Y/N directed them to the little breakfast nook that was flooded in the morning light.

She didn’t waste any time. “Did Jason send you here?”

“No, Jason doesn’t know that I’m here,” Dick clarified as he slid one of the lattes to her side of the table.

Her nerves were the only reason she picked it up and started sipping, just trying to give herself something physical to do while Dick stared at her from across the little table.

“Is he OK?” She mumbled without looking at him.

Her pride wanted to her to shut up and not ask. But she couldn’t stop the question from spilling out, even though all evidence pointed to Dick having no bad news to share.

“He’s fine,” Dick quickly assured her. “Well…physically, at least.”

“What are you doing here, Dick?” She repeated her original question.

“It should be Bruce here, really. But he…” His words died out and then he cleared his throat. “Well, these types of things aren’t exactly his strong suit. Tim wanted to come, too. But I didn’t want to…overwhelm you.”

“And what ‘type’ of thing is this exactly?”

Dick took in a deep breath and then leaned forward, placing his forearms on the table.

“You deserve to know the story – the whole story. I’m not here to get you to forgive Jason or to change your mind about leaving him.” He rubbed his face. “But I just want you to know the truth about him before you live with those decisions.”

Y/N’s heart was racing now. She felt sick.

Was she even ready for this conversation?

“So, is that OK?” Dick asked her carefully.

After a moment, Y/N finally nodded her head.

Dick took a deep breath.

He knew where he needed to start. And he wasn’t just about to share Jason’s secrets, he was about to tell Y/N all of their secrets. But it was what needed to be done.

Dick told her about Jason living on the streets, how his dad abused him, and his mother was a drug addict that couldn’t protect her son. Little Jason Todd turned to crime to take care of himself and get enough money to take care of himself and his mom.

Dick smiled as he told her how Jason tried to steel Bruce’s wheels on the batmobile. That was the moment that Bruce knew he couldn’t leave such a desperate child on the streets. Then everything happened so quickly. Next thing Dick knew, Jason had replaced him as Robin and Bruce had a new sidekick.

“I should’ve been there for him more,” Dick confessed. “Jason didn’t just need a home and a parent… he needed a brother, too. And I take responsibility for not really being there for him. If I’m being honest, I was bitter. It was hard for me to see how quickly Bruce could just…”

“Replace you?” Y/N offered softly.

Dick swallowed and nodded.

This was the hard part. Now he had to explain how Jason died, how the Joker tricked a child who was desperate to find the truth about his mother. How a dead boy became a resurrected man.

Dick knew he couldn’t gloss over the gory details. Jason deserved better. He didn’t need to have his secrets protected from the first woman who loved him. He needed to be seen and still loved.

Dick watched as Y/N shifted in her seat, trying her best to compose herself as Dick told her about Jason dying so horribly and then being resurrected. Joker’s maniacal laugh flashed in Y/N’s mind. As Dick spoke, she could almost feel the warmth of the explosion that he’d set for Jason.

It was all so terrible.

How Jason was able to overcome it all left Y/N in awe of him.

“Jason has never really fully been himself since before…everything,” Dick said. “But it wasn’t fair that any of us ever expected that after what happened to him. I know there’s still so much that he’s never told any of us. And I’m not sure he ever will.”

Dick explained Jason’s rebellion from the family and his war with Bruce. Dick was the one that got emotional now, as his eyes glossed over, remembering how angry and ruthless Jason had been.

“Bruce has one rule: no killing.” Dick sighed and rubbed his face. “Jason thought he was being what Gotham needed. He was tired of watching criminal after criminal beat the system and repeatedly get set free. We eventually had to make a deal with him. We couldn’t stand by and let him continue on the way he was.”

Dick gave her a nervous look. “I can only assume that the hardest thing to wrap your mind around is the–”

“Killing,” Y/N quickly interrupted harshly.

Until now, she had remained quiet but engaged. Never interrupting or adding unnecessary responses.

“Yes,” Dick replied before tightening his jaw.

Y/N couldn’t look at him now. “I know–” She had to pause because her voice was shaking so much. “I know he did it to protect people. And I know – in his mind – that they deserved it, because they were bad people.”

“I might not agree with Jason’s views or his past actions. But one thing is for sure: Jason Todd has never killed an innocent.”

“I just don’t know if that’s enough,” Y/N said with teary eyes.

“I understand,” Dick nodded.

There had been a part of her that always knew Jason was fighting demons. But she could’ve never guessed how bad it had truly been for him.

How could he hide all of this from her?

Y/N couldn’t hold back her emotions any longer. After hearing Jason’s life story, how could she? Tears silently ran down her face. She wasn’t embarrassed to cry in front of Dick. He had such a calming presence about him.

Dick just let her consume everything he’d spent the past hour telling her. He just wanted to be there for her as she processed it.

So he sat there and let her cry. And eventually she got a hold of herself.

“You’re forgetting the most important part of this story,” Dick told her with a shy smile.

“I am?”

Dick nodded. “You.”

She scoffed at that.

“I’m being serious, Y/N.” Dick leaned forward again.

Y/N didn’t know what to say to that. She wasn’t one to share her emotions and feelings freely. So she wasn’t about to open up to her ex’s older brother, whom she hardly knew.

“He loves you, Y/N.” Dick insisted.

“None of you even knew about me,” Y/N tried to argue.

“That’s not true. Just because he didn’t tell us directly doesn’t mean we didn’t know about you.” Dick smirked. “We’re a nosey bunch. When we noticed a change in him – a good change – we did a little investigating.”

Y/N couldn’t find it in her to tell Dick that Jason made her change for the better too.

So she changed the subject to what was really stopping her from running back into Jason’s arms despite all the lies and secrets.

“How did you get over it?” Her voice was so quite that it was almost a whisper.

“Get over what?” Dick squinted.

“The killing.”

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Police Officers kill people every day.”

Y/N made a look of disgust. “Law enforcement in this country is corrupt. I figured a man who felt the need to wear a mask and become a vigilante was well aware of that.”

Dick winced. “Why do you think Gotham is so hard to clean up?”

She stayed quiet.

“Soldiers have killed more people on a single tour than Jason has,” Dick continued.

“Soldiers are following orders,” Y/N countered. “Orders from authority whose ethics and motives are often questionable.”

“Exactly.” Dick’s back straightened. “We’ve normalized both of those things. But I can assure you of one thing, Jason has no ulterior motives. There is no systemic prejudice that controls his actions. Just right and wrong, good and evil.”

Then he rubbed his face, wondering if he wanted to say the next part. “When things with Jason were bad – really bad – and I thought I would have to be the one that put him behind bars, the one thing that gave me hope was knowing that Jason had rid the world of evil. That doesn’t mean I condone his actions…but it helps me sleep at night.”

Silence filled the apartment. Y/N was still processing the information. And Dick didn’t want to force her to talk or speak just to fill the silence.

Slowly, Dick rose from his seat.

“I don’t want to intrude any more than I already have,” he told her gently.

There were those classic Wayne manners that both Bruce and Alfred had ingrained in him. It reminded Y/N of Jason. Even though Jason had a dark, sarcastic sense of humor and quite the temper, Y/N couldn’t remember a time when the man didn’t say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ – not to mention all the old-school gentlemanly gestures that always caught her off guard.

Y/N followed Dick to the door.

He hesitated. “Thank you for listening, Y/N.”

She just nodded.

“Like I said when I got here, I’m not telling you what to do. All I ask is that you consider everything you learned.”

She nodded again. “You’re a good brother, Dick.”

He chuckled darkly at that. “Jason would disagree with you on that. I’m lucky if he even calls me his brother most of the time.”

Y/N managed to force a shy smirk on her lips for his benefit.

Then Dick was reaching into his pocket for a piece of paper. He slowly handed it over.

She looked down to see what appeared to be an address. “What’s this?”

“The safe house Jason’s been hiding out in since you last talked.” Then he gave her one final nod. “Goodbye, Y/N.”

————————————— 3 WEEKS LATER. —————————————

Jason had been on autopilot these past couple of months. He let his work take over his life. To make matters worse, he barely added eating and sleeping to that mix. The only reason he managed to get himself to eat was to keep his strength up… so he could keep working.

Right now was the one of the few times his exhaustion was so heavy that he managed to get a couple hours of sleep.

That is until one of the alarms for his safe house went off.

Someone had triggered the sensor for the floor.

It could easily be a homeless person. It wouldn’t be the first time. But that assumption went on the window when Jason heard a polite knock at his front door.

Completely silent, Jason moved out of bed and grabbed the gun that sat on his nightstand.

Quickly he tiptoed to the door and waited, half expecting someone to start shooting. It wouldn’t have mattered, seeing as the door was made out of bulletproof steel.

Without making a sound, he made his way to the peephole.

When he spotted who was on the other side, his body moved on reflex alone. He instantly put the gun on safety and whipped open the door.

His guest jumped a little in surprise.

“Y/N,” Jason gasped.

Once she got over the scare, she seemed to take in his appearance.

Jason looked awful. There were shadows under his eyes. His hair looked greasy from the lack of washing. And because he was “working” so much, his body was littered in more injuries than usual. He stood completely shirtless in black boxer briefs.

But the only thing Jason was embarrassed about was his autopsy scar that was on full display for her.

Yes, Y/N had seen and felt it. But it was always in the cover of darkness. If they had sex in daylight, Jason always found a way to keep a shirt on. It was always effortless and subtle. Plus Y/N was so preoccupied with the passion between them that she never really considered how self-conscious he was about it.

Once again, Y/N was wondering why she normalized things like that instead of pushing Jason to open up about things he was obviously hiding.

She had assumed they were scars from his childhood. He had told her his dad was abusive and his mom did nothing to protect him. Y/N thought the scars were from an incident – an incident that was too traumatizing for him open up to her about.

But they were autopsy scars… Because Jason had died once.

“Did I wake you?” She asked him gently.

“No,” he quickly lied. Then he shook his head, still processing that she was standing in front of him. “Come in,” he hurriedly added.

She game him a grateful nod and walked past him.

Her eyes quickly took in the safe house. It looked like an industrial loft. But what she was really locking on to was the multiple tables covered in weapons and gear.

After all that time of Jason’s vigilante life being hidden, now it was all completely on display for her to see.

“Are you OK?” Jason quickly asked her.

She nodded.

“How is your new place?” He then asked.

“Fine,” she offered.

“Your roommates are OK?”

She nodded again.

“Are you sleeping alright?”

“Jason,” she said it sternly, in a tone that she knew would make him finally stop with the frantic questions. “I came to talk to you.”

This took him aback.

Then he looked around him. There was a fold out table a few feet away from them.

“Here,” he muttered before rushing forward and moving what appeared to be a dozen knives and multiple guns.

He pulled out one of the chairs and motioned for her to sit.

Then Jason seemed to finally realize his state of undress. “I’ll…just give me a second.”

Y/N would’ve laughed at his adorable franticness. But she was too busy feeling nauseous and anxious.

She turned her back to him changing since the loft style gave little privacy. 30 seconds later, Jason was moving back to the table and sitting across from her in a black hoodie and sweatpants.

Y/N gently cleared her throat. Her gaze couldn’t meet Jason’s as she said, “Dick came to see me.”

Jason’s face darkened. “I’m sorry. He shouldn’t have done that. I’ll ta–”

“No, it’s fine.” Then she shifted in her seat. “He came to…uhh…he came to talk to me about you, actually.”

That wasn’t what Jason was expecting.

“He told me everything,” she stated. “I mean, everything you never did.”

The true meaning of her words slowly washed over Jason.

He leaned back in his chair, his massive form making it squeak.

Y/N took in a shaky breath. “Jason…I’m-I’m so sorry.”

He shifted his weight.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N.” He told her quietly.

Usually Jason’s death and resurrection was a joke. He loved making his family cringe, shrink, and become uncomfortable with his dark humor about it. That was just how he’d grown to deal with it all.

But he couldn’t do the same for Y/N.

A few beats of silence passed between them.

“I miss you,” Y/N finally told him.

Jason’s eyes widened at the confession. “I miss you, too.”

Silence again.

“Was I just part of a cover?” She quickly asked him.

“No,” he immediately answered.

“Was our relationship even real?”

“Yes, Y/N. I promise you that it was.”

Y/N bit her lip. She came here with no plan. And now it was starting to feel very real. She knew what she needed to know and she knew what she needed to say. But she wasn’t sure how to get there.

“Do you still love me?” She whispered.

Jason flinched at the question – not because of the answer, but because she felt the need to even ask it.

He nodded.

“After everything that’s happened,” she began, “what would a relationship between us even be, Jason?”

This was not the follow-up question he was expecting.

“What do you want it to be?”

But what he really wanted to say was it could be anything she wanted. He would do absolutely anything to get her back. Anything.

Still, he didn’t want to push her. So he let her take the lead.

“No more lies,” Y/N demanded. Jason opened his mouth, but she cut him off. “I know you can’t tell me the details of the nightly occurrences from your…other life.”

“It was to keep you safe,” he tried to explain. “The less you know, the safer you are. No one can try to use you for information.”

Y/N nodded in understanding. “I’m saying no more lies about where you are or why you can’t make something. And no more hiding injuries.”

Jason nodded firmly, trying to mask his eagerness.

“But more importantly…No more lies about your past. Dick may have told me everything he knew. But I know there’s missing parts and it’s only his perspective.” Then she hesitated, “And I’d…I’d like to hear it from you.”

Jason felt sick by the idea. He thought maybe he’d gotten out of such a request because of his nosey brother.

“You might not like what you find…” he warned her.

But Y/N was already shaking her head. “You know me inside and out.”

Jason did a weird half shrug, half nod. “I like to think so.”

“Don’t you think I deserve the same?”

Jason knew he had a point. But he loved everything about her. Y/N’s flaws weren’t even flaws to him. They were just what made her the woman she was. And that so happened to a woman he was deeply in love with.

But his sins? They were what convinced him that he was unlovable – a monster.

“You do,” Jason agreed with a mumble.

Y/N struggled to swallow with how dry her throat had suddenly become. “You had made a deal with your family – a deal you almost broke because of me.”

Jason knew what she was really asking. She didn’t even really know what she wanted.

“You want to know about the people I’ve killed,” he said low and even.

But she didn’t answer.

Jason leaned forward on the table and thought over her request. He rubbed the scruff on his jawline and chin.

“One was a man who was trying to rip down the pants of 5 year old girl in an alley of the Narrows.” His expression and tone was numb as he started listing them. “Another was an abusive husband that pushed his pregnant wife down a flight of stairs, causing her to have a miscarriage and almost die.”

Y/N felt sick as she listened.

“The last person I killed was Gotham’s number one human trafficker. When I asked him – with a gun to his head – how he had such a lack of remorse, he said, ‘These sickos are going to find their fun one place or another, I might as well make a buck off it.’”

Y/N could tell as Jason shared these stories that he felt no remorse for his executions.

“Bruce would tell you that every one deserves a chance to change. Or he’ll tell you that we’re not the law, we’re just enforcing it.” Jason shook his head. “But I’ve seen thousands of rapists, murderers, and – god knows what else – get freed time and time again. They may get locked up for a bit, but most of them find their way back on the streets. The system is broken. I know it. You know it. And Bruce knows it.”

Then his eyes darkened. “And before you ask, I wouldn’t take any of it back. Truthfully, I believe the world is a better place without those fuckers in it.”

As harsh as it sounded, Y/N appreciated the honesty. And perhaps there was a part of her that agreed with him.

Jason was right: she did know the system was broken, just as much as he did. But she wasn’t in a position to execute the same justice as he could.

“Can I ask you something in return?” The softness in his voice surprised Y/N.

She nodded her head.

“That morning at the manor…you said you weren’t scared of me.” He paused. “Were you telling the truth?”

“I wasn’t scared of you – at least, not like you’re implying. I felt–” She searched for the right word. “Defenseless. Because you knew me, but I didn’t know you anymore. Does that make sense?”

Jason nodded. “And what about now? After knowing all I’ve done.”

To his surprise, Y/N reached across the table and gently grabbed one his hands. She held it in her grasp, tracing the lines in his palm. The skin was rough and scarred.

After so long without it, the feeling of her touch caused a shiver to go down Jason’s spine.

Y/N knew these hands had killed dozens of people. But she also knew that they’d been nothing but gentle with her.

“You’ve never hurt me, Jason.”

“I never would,” he answered quietly, almost with a certain desperation.

She nodded, already knowing that.

“No matter what happens with us, I don’t ever want you to be scared of me, Y/N.”

Then she was crying and jumped from her seat. Without even thinking, she was on the other side of the table, throwing herself onto Jason’s lap, and wrapping her arms around him. Jason pulled her even tighter to him, cradling her face to his neck.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. For everything. I just…I just want you back. OK?”

Y/N pulled away and Jason wiped the tears from her cheeks. She nodded and gave him a teary smile, “OK.”

Their relationship wouldn’t mend itself just like that. They were going to have to work at it. But with all their secrets on the table, they knew what they were fighting. And from now on, they were going to face them together.

----------------

Yeesh. That one was a lot.

Let me know what you think!

(If you have criticisms about how I wrote Jason, I’d love to hear them, just don’t be a fucking asshole about it. There’s a right way to give feedback and there’s definitely a wrong way.)

#jason todd #jason todd fic #red hood #red hood fic #jason todd x reader #jason todd reader insert #red hood x reader #red hood reader insert #dick grayson #tim drake #damian wayne #alfred pennyworth #bruce wayne #batfam #batman fandom #batman fic

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bloodycreaturee · 3 years ago

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SO it looks like the episodes will be on youtube so far, so i'm gonna react to the chucky series episode 2 :)

⚠ SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 2 ⚠

- ahhhh it's startinggggg i'm excited 😁

- ok it says "halloween 1965" so i'm assuming we're gonna see something from chucky's childhood

- yeah this is about chucky!! he got a lot of candy, please share some with me ❤ and he got an apple too, we love that for him

- OOO HIS MOM

- sometimes i forget chucky actually had a life before he was this big (ha) killer doll and stuff

- why is he so intrigued by this apple?

- oh shit the apple had like a razor in it? like those types of things your parents always warn you about and check your candy for

- BOY WHY DID YOU FUCKING TOUCH IT-

- HE'S ABOUT TO FUCKING BITE IT WHY WHY WHY YOU JUST SAW WHAT'S IN IT

- his mouth is fucking bleeding...

- WHY ARE YOU SMILING ARE YOU NOT IN PAIN?????

- ok we're back in present day but i still have SO MANY FUCKING QUESTIONS

- ok so devan is talking about halloween on his podcasttttt

- kinda ironic he brought up killers and just crime happening on halloween in their city when one of the most famous killers is living there ❤

- jake and junior are being driven to school but the aunt and uncle and they're so rich 🤠 like. the car seats literally have this thing so they're warm. is this a rich people thing or am i just unaware of this being a thing?

- they seem to put a lot of pressure on junior. he's an asshole but i have a feeling i'm gonna end up feeling bad for him at the end of this episode

- so jake seems hesitant about going into school and its being implied that he hasn't been to school for a week because he's been having nightmares... his dad was a piece of shit but i feel so bad for him

- ok maybe the aunt and uncle aren't too bad

- everyone at his school can actually step on legos. which the fuck talks shit about someone who just lost their dad and then bring up that his dad is dead?? fucking morons

- i know chucky is the killer but these kids are the real monsters

- the dude that lexi cheated on junior with (i still don't know his name) is talking with jake and invited him to a halloween party he's throwing... i have a very bad feeling about this. i think they're gonna pull a shitty prank on him or something

- junior doesn't seem like as bad of a person as lexi is. he just seems to out up walls and a disguise to keep himself hidden from others, if that makes sense

- she's so fucking insensitive god fuck her

- devan is talking to jake ❗❗❗❗

- the dude throwing the party is named oliver. got it

- LMAO devan asked jake if he was gonna bring chucky to the party because they really "killed it" last night and jake was just like 😧 and then devan's like "... at the talent show" HFKSBXKSNXKS

- chucky's gonna kill the housekeeper lady isn't he

- PFFT either he's gonna kill her because she almost read jake's diary or he's gonna kill her because she fucking sprayed windex in his eyes 😭

- 🎶 somebody took all the knives from the kitchen and i have a feeling i know who it isssss 🎶

- never mind they're just all in the dishwasher. all facing with the stabby part up 🤠 this is gonna be gruesome, isn't it?

- CHUCKY WHAT THE FUCK

- I KNOW SHE SPRAYED WINDEX IN YOUR EYES AND THAT'S PROBABLY PAINFUL AS FUCK BUT YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING PUSH HER INTO THE KNIVES THIS MAN-

- moving on from that scary as scene... the intro is made of jack-o-lanterns this time instead of doll heads :D i'm assuming they're gonna change the intro every time then

- oh shit jake and junior are home oh shit of fuck did chucky hide the body or did he just leave it on display so people could appreciate his work? 🤪

- LMAO CHUCKY RUNNING UP THE STAIRS IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER GET USED TO

- i watched a documentary a while back on the making of child's play and i know that they used to use human people 🤠 for when chucky had to go up stairs and stuff in the original movies because it was hard for them to make the animatronic actually do that. i wonder if they're still using people or if they've figured out a way to use the doll without it looking odd. interesting. might have to google that later

- OH SHIT. they're in the kitchen and the lady's body is like. right behind them. i wonder if they'll notice it or if someone else will find her later on

- also why the fuck is junior so fucking upset over jake offering him a popsicle??? he's just being nice jesus fucking christ

- oh shit jake saw her

- JUNIOR SAW HER TOO

- also sidenote but if there's an afterlife, i'd be so embarrassed about dying in the position she died in. it's probably stupid but that's so awkward. if i didn't die from getting stabbed in the throat by multiple knives, i'd die of embarrassment

- aw damn, devan's mom (the detective) is there again. she definitely knows something is up and probably thinks jake is the cause of two deaths that have happened (so far)

- oh wait apparently it's very common for people to fall into a bunch of knives facing up and dying 🤠 that's... kinda horrifying

- ok yeah she and this other dude with her suspect jake has something to do with it

- that's great they also suspect it could've been junior and that they're covering for each other. love how no one suspects the killer doll that's been involved in murders since the 80's

- not chucky swearing to god that he didn't kill her lmaoo he believes in damballa (however his name is spelled), not god. do your research, jake lol

- "come on, jake, you gotta believe me. i'm your friend to the end" chucky. my dude. you couldn't fool andy, a six year old kid with that one. i doubt you could fool jake, a fourteen year old dude

- he read jake's diary and said "gotta say, writing's not your forte. stick to sculpture" LMAO CHUCKY YOU ASSHOLE

- NOT HIM TEASING JAKE ABOUT DEVAN

- c: "you know, i have a queer kid" j: "you have a kid?" c: "[in a jersey accent] genderfluid" j: "and you're cool with it?" c: "i'm not a monster, jake" fksnxksnhe may be a killer doll but at least he's a supportive parent ❤🏳‍🌈

- i seriously wonder if chucky is actually trying to help jake or is he's just full of shit. i would assume the last one but he has kind a helped jake... in his own fucked up way... i wanna believe there's good in him 😭 watch him basically adopt jake LMAO that's cursed

- ok it's nice to see the uncle (logan, apparently) doesn't think jake killed annie (the housekeeper lady). the aunt keeps basically saying that maybe they shouldn't have taken jake in because they don't know how fucked duo the way his dad raised him is and logan seems to have his back. i'm glad jake has him

- also junior is listening into the conversation and i don't think that's gonna go well

- ok so junior is kinda being confirmed to just be living to please his dad. like all he does is to make him happy. i feel ya, junior. don't do that to yourself

- oh shit junior is looking around jake's room

- sidenote: jake has a pride flag in his room 🏳‍🌈

- junior opened jake's laptop and it looks like he's been stalking lexi? why though?? or is it chucky trying to find a way to kill her?

- jake walked in on him. it was definitely chucky looking because jake has no idea why that's there

- junior really said "stay away from her" bitch he's gay there's a literal pride flag right behind you

- oh shit oh fuck junior can hear jake yelling at chucky...

- oh we're at lexi's house now and her little sister is drawing chucky 🥰

- ooooo she's so good at drawing yessss girllllll ✨

- ok i love that this show is like showing what each character is going through and more details about their lives. i would've never thought i was gonna feel bad for lexi. at least not so soon. her parents seem to give more attention to the little sister and not care about what's going on with lexi

- also not her calling jake a bully as if she hasn't made fun of him since her first appearance

- "lexi, your sister has a gift. and she's better at this than you've been at anything in your entire life" chucky take this bitch out next please ❤ not ever teen in this show having issues with their parents

- why are they making lexi's little sister her responsibility? if they can't take care of their own kids, why have any?

- wait why is devan lying to his mom and saying he doesn't really talk to jake? my dude you talk to him every chance you get

- these 14 year olds have more freedom than me and i'm almost 18

- my point stands. as soon as his mom left, devan texted jake

- oooo yayyyyy!!!! halloween 🎃👻🍬❤

- jake and devan are giving me "you going soft on me, blight?" "in your dreams" vibes and i'm so here for it

- chucky did not just give jake a black fucking eye DHKSBDKS

- chucky escaped. again 🤠 i'm getting 20 bucks he went to lexi's

- CHUCKY IS FUCKING WAKING AMONGST PEOPLE LIKE IT'S NOTHING WEARING A HELLO KITTY MASK

- chucky was doing a little kid voice and went up to a lady to ask where the party was at and then when she told him, he gave her an apple with a razor in it 🤠 i really wanna know what's up with these apples

- are... are lexi and junior... about to fuck 💀 i'm uncomfy

- jake's still looking for chucky. i wonder what he's up to

- jake stumbled into the party trying to look for chucky and making sure he hasn't killed lexi, he ran into devan and then oliver and the other stupid kids locked them in a closet 🤠 i'm gonna kick a bunch of 14 year olds in the face

- CHUCKY REVEALED HIMSELF TO LEXI'S SISTER AND IS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH HER

- also hand over my 20 bucks, i was right. he went to lexi's house

- NOT CHUCKY TRYING TO CONVINCE CAROLINE (THE LITTLE SISTER) TO KILL LEXI-

- "mommy says real killing is bad" "mommy is full of shit" "mommy says it isn't nice to swear" "mommy's working her way up my list pretty fucking quick" BFSKNXKSNX

- HOW DID CHUCKY GET UNDER THE BED LEXI AND JUNIOR ARE MAKING OUT ON SO FUCKING FAST????

- HOLY SHIT HE WAS SO CLOSE TO STABBING THEM

- is jake really gonna tell devan what's going on with chucky??

- THIS BITCH

- SHE FUCKING DRESSED UP LIKE JAKE'S DAD GETTING ELECTROCUTED

- you know what maybe i do hope chucky gets you

- jake looks like he's about to beat the shit out of her and honestly i don't blame him. junior looks so shocked too

- "i'm gonna show her what it's like to get hurt" uhhhh jake honest don't do anything stupid

- THE LADY THAT TOLD CHUCKY WHERE THE PARTY WAS CALLED THE COPS BECAUSE SHE BIT THE RAZOR APPLE AND GAVE DEVAN'S MOM HIS DESCRIPTION AND I THINK SHE'S CATCHING ON

- jake you should've let chucky stab lexi

- kidding... kinda

- chucky apologized to jake about giving him a black eye and promised to not do that again and jake said "i've heard that before" and i'm just... jake deserves so much better

- oh crap chucky's trying to convince jake to kill

- HE'S HANDING HIM THE KNIFE

- DON'T TAKE THE KNIFE JAKE

- HE TOOK THE FUCKING KNIFE

- i'm suddenly scared of jake. he looks like he's lost it

ok so that's the end of episode two and... holy shit 🤠 i'm both excited and scared about what things are gonna be like now that jake is kinda getting influenced to kill. like, is he gonna just become a serial killer, is he gonna only kill people who have wronged him? and also devan's mom seems to be catching on. if jake were to tell her what's going on, would she believe him or just think he's going insane (even though it seems he has)? maybe now that he's had a change of mind, people will blame him for the deaths. if you read all of this i love you ❤

#child's play series #chucky series #child's play #chucky

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ash-etherwood · 4 years ago

Note

Top 5: writing memories, songs, characters that are not blank rune, runes, food

♡

Linda I love you but are you trying to kill me … that’s so many Top 5’s! But alright, I’ll do my best! (Answers will probably switch between German and English RIP to every non-German-speaker who follows me and wants to read this for some reason I swear I’m normal)

WRITING MEMORIES

5.) The entire time I spent finishing my first (second?) longer writing project It was the year 2012 and it was a cyberpunk story about my friends’ and my edgy self inserts riding dinosaurs, fighting aliens and being badass. The plot twist in the end was that my character was secretly evil and wanted to kill everyone. (Things to show your therapist) The final boss fight made zero sense and also everything was incredibly weird and stupid. But sometimes I still think about those times when I sat in my grandma’s living room at night, eating chips and listening to Vocaloid covers while thinking this story was the coolest shit ever. Truly simpler times.

4.) Researching something about universities in Texas for OvF on a rainy Saturday afternoon I have no idea why this memory is still sticking with me to this day (I think it was around 2016 or something?), but I remember that it was just a really nice day and I felt really at peace at that moment?

3.) The entire writing process of Bathroom Blues It was such a spontaneous project and I still have no idea how I managed to power though it in just a little under two months! Also it was just incredibly fun seeing you getting excited over new drafts and I loved coming up with new plot points and Halloween costumes for everyone with you. :-D Truly a summer worth remembering.

2.) FINALLY uploading the prologue and intro chapter of WWBL Not really a writing memory, but that moment was … so sexy and magical. Seriously, you have no idea how long I had been waiting to finally start that story, waiting for the Steckbriefe to roll in and see people react to the prologue and generally the idea … I even made one of those countdown graphic thingies for the designated upload date! 8D At that point I had planned that story for about six months and just … yeah, that felt powerful to me.

1.) Writing the prologue for WWBL When I first started the draft for that prologue I was sitting at the window in my favourite hotel in Winterberg, Sauerland, wore my dark green flannel, had the window wide open breathing in the cool mountain air and allowed myself to listen to my WWBL playlist for the very first time. God, that felt so amazing. I even have a photo of it (which somehow makes it look like I have the biggest football shoulders in the universe) my sister took that night. God I miss Sauerland. )’:

- - - - -

SONGS

My apologies to every favourite song of mine that I forgot about, I have a whole playlist of them, but I think these are some of my oldest faves … (Honorable mentions for Don’t Mess With Me and Not That Big by Temposhark, Goodbye by Apparat, Me And The Devil by Soap&Skin, Heart Heart Head by Meg Myers, Pain and Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, Beautiful Crime by Tamer, Gravity Of Love by Enigma, In Flames by Digital Daggers [thanks Phi u_u] and Murder Cries by Snow Ghosts AHHH FUCK IT I could’ve just made a playlist,,,)

5.) Vater Unser by E Nomine Starting off with some weird shit, won’t we? I’ve been in love with this song since fifth or sixth grade, when I was just starting to develop an actual music taste and although I have many favourite songs by E Nomine, this one has to be my absolute fave. Every time I can relate it to a character it makes me love said character even more. (Also I think about it every time my mom forces me to go to church for Christmas so … yay? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be able to remember the Vater Unser if it wasn’t for this song. 8D)

4.) Wires by The Neighbourhood I think this is the newest all-time fave on this list, I found it in … 2015? Thank you, Youtube AMVs. Yeah man, this one is just … on so many playlists it’s not even funny anymore.

3.) Heathens by Twenty One Pilots An edgelord classic but like … it’s on EVERY playlist of mine. Every single one. It’s just so good. The first time I heard it was on the radio tho, when I was having breakfast with Jessie and I forced her to shazam it because it immediately stuck with me,,,

2.) Imaginary by Evanescence My first Evanescence song ever and the first step towards becoming who I am today I think. This song has like … such a big history for me, man. It single-handedly turned me goth in 2008 and I have never really thanked it for that.

1.) Eternal by Evanescence Might be my favourite song of all time. The number of dramatic RP scenes I have written with this in the background … man. Oh, also this song is the reason for one of my oldest internet nicknames, ‘eternala’, which subsequently shortened into Etschuh and then Tschuh, my main nickname until 2017, when I came out as trans and finally found an actual name for myself I was comfortable with!

- - - - -

NON BLANK RUNE CHARACTERS

I know this was probably supposed to be about fandom characters but I can literally not come up with a single character right now that I love with a special burning passion and that is not my or one of my friends’ OCs so you’re getting OCs now. u_u And boy do I have a lot of those.

5.) Jackson Tracey from atroCITY (mine) This little piece of shit kept me company for a pretty long time and is still very close to my heart for some reason, although I haven’t drawn him or really thought about him in detail for a while now. My favourite thing is how I only realized what a horrible person he was after I stopped regularly working with him but honestly good for me. 8D His storyline and personality is kinda convoluted and tbh I’m not really sure how much of it is canon anyway (atrc was always a little weird about canon rip) but yeah. He’s an obsessive stalker piece of shit who pities himself way too much and he is also a semi-immortal demigod who likes knives. I hate him but he also helped me a lot with some gender and sexuality stuff so thanks I guess.

4.) Mayoko Imai from Century Riders DXPrototype (Maus’ and mine) Mayoko is a magical girl protagonist with a cool cyborg arm prosthetic and her main character trait was that she was basically a reverse weeaboo, a Japanese girl who was obsessed with American media, culture and comic book heroes! I actually love her concept a lot and she also had a pretty cool character arc in her story (which Maus and I wrote together and actually finished btw!), although it could use a lot more … polishing from today’s point of view. But I love her anyway. She always wanted to do the right thing and be a hero and got broken pretty cruelly and her ending is kinda bittersweet I guess? Ahh there’s just so much nuance to it … anyways, CR3 also stuck with me for a very long time and I enjoyed the time with her a lot. :3 (Her name had a cameo in Another Incident btw heehee)

3.) Tessa *insert extremely long chain of unnecessary first names here* von Lean from Nobody Is Perfect and Infernal Temptation (belongs to one of my old school friends) Tessa is just … a hand full. I love to hate her. She is badly written and developed and just OOZES mentally ill teenage girl’s idealized self-insert power fantasy, but she just … man, she was a big part of one of my most drama-filled high school friendships which I love looking back at so much. Tessa has fucked so many of my characters … good for her tbh! There are actually two versions of her, one is just a ‘normal’ teenage girl and one can shapeshift into a cheetah, but both of them are very close to my heart. I should really adopt and redesign her some day.

2.) Judy Khayat from Original vs. Final (mine) Look, I love all my OvF-characters and every single one of them is special to me in their own way, but Judy is just … the most complex of them all I think? Man, she went through so much … she is actually one of my oldest (semi)-active characters (I created her in 2009) and her latest version is from 2016 but I should really, REALLY revise her again tbh. She has a very complicated backstory that I didn’t handle as carefully as I should have, and anger issues and religious conflict and depression and PTSD and then Vance of all people becomes obsessed with her for no reason and decides to traumatize her even more … yeah. God I really love her but I seriously need to work on her. A LOT. I should also finally rename her tbh … let’s just see where she takes me next.

1.) Okami (I don’t even remember if she has a proper last name rn lol) from Split Realm (mine) Yeah, that bitch is just my favourite OC. She’s also very old, probably from around 2009, and initially was a magical girl with fire powers who I played in an RP with my friend Flauch but boy did she grow up! Holy fuck. Okami is a horrible person but I love her so much. She is so violent and full of anger and pain and sadness and treats everyone around her like shit and she is in love and she is a demon but also apparently the personification of the concept of Chaos but she just wants to be a teenager again and run away with the love of her life and ahhh it’s all so hopeless for her … also she turned out gnc af with time passing and pretty much went through a gender/sexuality crisis in real time with me, her creator, which is always fun. :^D I haven’t drawn her in a while tbh. Should really do that.

- - - - -

RUNES IN BLANK RUNE

I’m just gonna go with the arcs here, okay? Also this entire answer might look completely different if you asked me again tomorrow, you know how indecisive I am with Blank Rune shit ahha,,,

5.) Jera Look. I know I’m boring and stupid. But I just love Tave and Liam having their disgusting little foreshadowing talk, okay? I can read it over and over. I just love my horrible little shit crime boys. Also Rhy and Phillip are there. (’:

4.) Isa This one is here because it was the first arc I witnessed in real time which gives it a very special place in my heart and it also … hit pretty hard at the time. But having read Fehu it’s become even better now! It’s just such a wonderful, tragic romance between two horrible, ruthless boys and I … I’m not immune to Rhy, sadly. :-/ Just like Phillip.

3.) Wunjo We still haven’t seen everything that leads up to Wunjo yet, but we DO know more than we did initially (wow shocker) and it’s just always a fucking blast. Also, it has the first mention of Ash’s real name … the first Rhy POV (which what the fuck!! I always feel like we had one before but we didn’t!! Wild) and it has crazy blood-soaked murder Tave, my beloved. :///3

2.) Eiwaz You guys have heard me fanboy about Eiwaz so many times already. Eiwaz-OT3 (and Kain) my beloved!!! It’s just SUCH an amazing starting point and there are so, so many things that tie back to it and every time we find out about a new one my heart makes a little jump … und es beginnt von Neuem indeed.

1.) Gebo One of the most painful but also the most beautiful arcs yet in my opinion. It’s been hyped up for so long and boy did it deliver. God, my heart still hurts when I think about that last scene. Also all the dialogue … the golden lines we got … and it’s an arc without Rhy! Crazy!! :-D I just love the relationship between Ash, Astrid and Jakob so much. God fuck I want what they have. Just maybe without the murder suicide,,,

- - - - -

FOOD

5.) Diese Sonntagsbrötchen wo die Verpackung so plopp macht, wenn man die Folie abzieht Better than normale Brötchen for some reason. Most of the time. See 2.) Look man, I just really love a good breakfast …

4.) Chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese topping One of the first things from a certain baking book I tried when I was getting into baking back in 2019. God they are so tasty. I don’t make them often so I don’t get used to them too much and eating them still feels special but ahhhh I love them so much!

3.) Grünkohl mit Kartoffelbrei und Mettendchen One of my favourite things about autumn/winter and one of my biggest comfort foods. God I love this shit so much. I just put … mountains of Grünkohl and Kartoffelbrei on my plate every time and I will just warm it up for four days straight until there’s no more left. It turns me into a fucking caveman. I’m not even big on eating meat but … yeah. Everything is different when there’s Grünkohl.

2.) Normales Brötchen mit Butter und Scheibenkäse aber ich bin beim Frühstücksbuffet im Hotel Oddly specific but that’s just how it is. Sorry. Nichts geht über Brötchen mit Käse.

1.) Chilli-Knoblauch-Nudelauflauf My beloved. My comfort food. I eat it literally every second day. At least one hour in the kitchen every time. Fresh ingredients. My only vegetable intake. And I’ve been doing that for three years. I just love it so much, man. I cook it for everyone who visits me. Chilli-Knoblauch-Auflauf cured my depression.

#ask #crimsondaisy #2.4k works of me talking about myself under the cut rip #thank you tho!!!

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thefloatingstone · 5 years ago

Text

We’ve gone from Self-Isolation to Quarantine and in some places to gradual relaxation phases, but that doesn’t stop the need for more nonsense you can watch on youtube while you wait for things to get back to normal. And recommending things and making lists are some of my favourite things to do but I have not yet figured out how to start or structure a video myself, you guys get another rambling tumblr post of things you can watch on youtube.

This time I’m once again just gonna recommend individual videos rather than full channels like I did in part 2.

Part 1

Part 2

In no particular order;

LOCAL58: The Broadcast Station that Manipulates You

I recently started watching the Nexpo channel when I went on a binge of creepy youtube videos. Most of his videos are really good although the ones where he himself goes into theory crafting can be a little asinine. However, this video is REALLY good. And before you get nervous, LOCAL58 is not a real TV station. LOCAL58 is a youtube channel created by the same guy behind the Candle Cove creepypasta. This video by Nexpo covers the various episodes of LOCAL58 and discusses them. Just be aware going in that this is abstract horror, and will probably get under your skin regardless if you’re unaffected by certain topics or not. although cw for suicide mention.

I also recommend most of the rest of this channel, although be careful where you tread. I don’t recommend his series “Disturbing things from around the internet” as it can sometimes include real life crime, abuse and such caught on security cameras. Everything else is really good tho. (although I was really annoyed by his 2 videos on KrainaGrzybowTV)

The Search for D.B. Cooper

LEMMiNO has a new video out covering one of the most unexplained crimes in the past century of the US. LEMMiNO is the guy I’ve recommended before who did videos on the Universal S. He is very down to earth and not someone prone to conspiracy or even really that fanciful of thinking. (He’s like the one person I feel covered the Dyaltov Pass incident and was confused by why this was even a mystery because if you read the Russian Autopsy reports and documents associated with the case it’s all pretty logical and easily explained)

D.B. Cooper is the name given to a man who, in 1971, hijacked an airplane with a bomb, asked for a large sum of money, and after receiving it, parachuted from the plane and was never seen or heard from again.

The Austrian Wine Poisoning | Down the Rabbit Hole

Down the Rabbit Hole also has a new video out, this time covering the Austrian Wine Poisoning event from 1985. A scandal that involved literally the entire country of Austria, affected multiple countries, and forever changed the way wine was made world wide. As someone who is generally pretty allergic to most artificial substances this one made me personally very angry. But luckily, it has a happy ending and a better world for us all... if I could drink wine which I can’t do anyway.

The Turbulent Tale of Yandere Dev - A Six Year Struggle

The Right Opinion is another channel I only recently subbed to after watching his cover on Onion Boy. I put off subbing to him simply because of his channel name and I thought it meant he would come across as smug and elitist. Luckily this seems to merely be one of those “I chose a bad channel name and now I’m stuck with it” type of situations. (IHE has a similar problem).

Anyway, I have a weird interest in bizarre internet personalities, so I’ve been enjoying his channel as he simply discusses and presents a timeline of events of certain individuals. In this video, he covers the developer behind the much maligned Yandere Simulator. It’s a tale of hubris, arrogance, immaturity, and an unwillingness to accept your own shortcomings due to ego.

Oh and there’s a meme game about Japanese school girls with anime tiddies in there as well.

The Most Relaxing Anime Ever Made | Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō

Kenny Lauderdale is a youtube channel which is slowly becoming bigger which I’m very happy to see. He exclusively covers anime and live action Japanese television no younger than the mid 90s (as is the case with YYK) and which usually never saw a release outside of Japanese Laserdisc. I do wish his videos were a little longer, but if nothing else his videos serve as an excellent starting to point to find some older and underappreciated shows... or hot garbage fires. In this episode he talks about the 2 OVA episodes made based on one of my favourite manga, Yokohama Shopping Log. A Post apocalyptic anime about an android who runs a coffee shop outside of her house, and the quiet solitude of living in a world of declining human population, brief encounters with travelers and other people, and just... existing. The anime was never released outside of Japan and is only available on Japanese VHS and laserdisc.... but hey guess what!! Somebody uploaded both episodes, subbed, to Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2HCVOH6DtA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqSTwfkobME

YMS’ slow descent into madness as he uncovers just how bullshit the Kimba Conspiracy is

I’m linking a full playlist for this one.

YMS is busy planning his review on the “live action” Lion King remake as the original 1994 movie is probably his favourite movie all time (and also self declared what made him a furry). As part of the 2 hour review, he decided to what all 2000 hours of Kimba the White Lion just to mention how The Lion King potentially stole the idea. ....until he actually watched all 2000 hours of Kimba and realised that if you actually WATCH Kimba, it has VERY little to do with the Lion King at all apart from having the same animals in them because AFRICA. Watch as one man slowly loses his mind as he realises just how stupid this conspiracy theory is, just HOW DECEITFUL and straight up LYING people can be. People who write BOOKS. People who teach LAW AT UNIVERSITIES. Because NOBODY bothered to actually watch the entire show and just parroted the “Disney stole this” lie which got started by like 2 salty fans on the internet.

The man set out to just mention how Disney stole an idea, and uncovered one of the most infuriating rabbit holes on the internet. Screaming for SOMEONE to provide him with sources or evidence.

YMS will be publishing his full Kimba documentary this month which he has said is around 2 hours long before he continues to work on the Lion King one.

Science Stories: Loch Ness eDNA results, Poop Knives, and Skeleton Lovers

TREY the Explainer has a video giving us some updates in Archeology from 2019. In this video he discusses the findings of the eDNA results conducted on the Loch Ness to see what animal DNA the lake contains which will tell us what living animals currently inhabit the lake, ancient knives made of poop and if this is a real thing that could have existed, and a skeleton couple found buried together which were at first thought to be lovers, then revealed to be both male, and then how in this instance we cannot let our modern sensibilities dictate what we WANT this burial find to be, but to look at the evidence as presented to us and place in context finds of this nature. The worst thing an archaeologist can do is look for proof to a theory they already have.

The Bizarre Modern Reality of Sonic the Hedgehog

Super Eyepatch Wolf is back and he’s here to talk to us about the very very strange existence of Sonic. a 90s rebellious “too cool for School” answer to Mario, a lost idea as the world of video games changes and culture shifted, a meme and punching bag amplified by a unique fanbase and poor quality games, a transcendence into a horrific warped idea of what he once was, and modern day and where Sonic and his fans are now. As usual Super Eyepatch Wolf knocks it out of the park.

Kokoro Wish and the Birth of a Multiverse: A Lecture on the Work of Jennifer Diane Reitz

I don’t even sub to this channel as I’m not entirely sure what Ben’s usual content is about. But every now and then he has a “101″ class, where he explains to a room full of his friends in a classroom setting (complete with Whiteboard) an internet artist and oddity, the timeline, and what it is they have created. (wait... didn’t I say this already?). Unlike TRO however, the 101 classrooms are not a dark look into disturbed individuals (although the CWC 101 is debatable) nor is it a “lol look at this weirdo” dragging. Instead, of the 3 he’s done so far, it’s usually a rather sympathetic look at some of the strange artists on the internet who through some way or another, left a very big cultural impact on the internet space through their art. Sometimes they may not be the best people, but their work is so outside of what we’re used to seeing that just listening to him run you through these people’s internet history is fascinating.

In this episode he talks about Jennifer Diane Reitz. And although it is titled Kokoro Wish, the lecture is more about Jennifer’s larger work back in the early internet when being a weeb was unheard of, how being trans influenced her stories and characters, and her world building that is so rich and in-depth with it’s own ASTRO PHYSICS it puts any modern fictional world found in games or movies to shame.

Jennifer is not exactly a nice person... and in many ways can be seen as dangerously irresponsible, but she created something truly unique in a way that you kinda struggle figuring out if it’s terrible or a work of genius.

Anyway I think that’s enough for now

#Youtube #youtubers #recommendations #Self Isolation playlist #Long post #part 3 #videos #links

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okay-j-hannah · 5 years ago

Text

The Cute One

Smosh : Fic

Damien x Reader

Word Count: 2496

Warnings: Lots of giggles... a try not to laugh challenge... and a possibly questionable white van joke?

A/N: Guest staring on Smosh Pit was every bit as fun as you hoped, maybe even a little romantic as a certain Damien Haas flirted during the entire game

“Guys, welcome back to the Try Not to Laugh Challenge,” Keith addressed the camera as the rest of the cast cheered. “You guys wanted it, so we’re doing it again.”

Shayne clapped his hands together, “We’re doing it again, it’s going to be crazier. You know why it’s gonna be crazier?”

“Why?” Olivia perked up.

“Cause we’ve got a guest this time.”

Everyone gave their own round of applause as they amped up the soon to be revealed contestant.

“And we’re not just talking about Damien because he ends up being here way too often.” Damien waved at the camera and avoided a well aimed smack from Courtney.

Shayne continued, “Introducing (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!”

Out of the corner came (Y/N), waltzing on in a goofy dance, “Hey, friends!” She bounced to the chair Keith was gesturing to and found Noah already wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“We are hoping because you’re here this will go on trending,” Shayne confessed, throwing in a forced laugh afterwards. “For those of you who don’t know, (Y/N) has a YouTube channel and just so happens to not live in LA.”

(Y/N) nodded and found herself slowly falling into a nervous tick, twisting around in her chair, “Yes, my online name is (Youtube Name). And it definitely took many hours to get here.”

Noah grinned from beside her, “We are lucky enough to feature her on Smosh Pit while she stays in California for the week!”

Everyone yells their approval and causes (Y/N) to blush ever so slightly. She wasn’t that popular of a YouTuber.

After rules were explained, Olivia was left on the stool while the rest of the cast flew to behind the prop screen wall. Once there, (Y/N) found a hand on her shoulder.

“Hi, I’m Damien.”

Her throat immediately seized up, “Uh, h-hey! It’s really nice to meet you – all of you. Um… question: are you good at this game?” Her pent-up energy caused her weird quirks to shine through, talking with her hands and shuffling her feet.

Damien smiled wide, “How forward of you to assume I’m funny.”

That pulled a snicker from her, “Go easy on me, alright?” She smirked, adverting her eyes from his staring ones, “I’ve got to give my best show. My fans think I’m pretty funny.”

Damien continues to watch her movements, completely oblivious to the commotion behind him, “Oh, so now you’re saying that you think you’re funny? Such confidence for a first time Try to Not Laugher.”

She immediately blushed, slight panic in her limbs, “No, no, I’m saying my fans think I’m funny. I never said I thought I was.”

He snickered, admiring the wide look in her gaze, “You should. I’ve seen a few of your videos and I think you’re funny.”

“Woah, the great Damien Haas declaring me humorous to viewers,” she allowed a hint of a smile on her face, improv taking over her actions. “That’s got to mean something.”

It was Damien’s turn to get a bit embarrassed, turning his head away at the sudden realization that he’s been staring at her the entirety of their conversation.

“Honestly, (Y/N), take it as a compliment. Your videos are pretty hilarious.”

She let her gaze rest on his subtle smile for a few extra moments before sighing, “Now I feel bad! I haven’t seen any Smosh videos and come to find out you already knew who I was and everything.”

“It’s not that big of a deal; you can watch them after today. Maybe I could show you some of…”

“Damien’s turn!” Courtney yelled, “If you don’t get out there in the next five seconds we’re gonna skip you.” She peered over at the corner Damien and (Y/N) were huddled in, talking - it took a swift pull on the arm from Shayne to get her to turn away.

“Hold that thought,” Damien smiled, holding up a finger.

And (Y/N) watched him practically fall on the stage in his attempt to make Olivia laugh. She realized that something was clicking in her brain, that maybe Damien was trying to be her friend.

She wandered as the rounds continued, one particularly good attempt she came up with for Noah went along the lines of:

“Hey, little boy,” she rounded the corner in a grungy button down and a steering wheel in her hand. “You wanna hear something good? I’ve got some free WiFi in the back of my van.”

Shayne started giggling as Noah pulled a grimace at the previous statement. (Y/N) exaggerated the creepy features on her face as she pursued him more.

“Come on, kid. I’ll show you all the stuff. I’ve got chargers galore in the back, free WiFi that’s actually good – not that crappy free McDonald’s WiFi that promises full access but disappoints you. This is the good stuff!” She took a shuttering breath, making intense eye contact with the freaked Noah, “Just get in the van… little boy.”

On the last syllable she flickered her tongue and Noah couldn’t take it anymore, spitting the water all over the place and sending everyone into a fit of laughter.

“Oh my God, please stop!” he cried, holding up a hand. “That was horrifying.”

Shayne couldn’t stop giggling, “Those white vans gotta offer what the kids want these days.”

“Candy just ain’t it anymore,” Damien added, poking his head out to watch (Y/N) come back with her props.

It wasn’t until Damien was sitting in the chair that (Y/N) felt the most invested. She found a different kind of determination to make him laugh compared to the others. And she was pretty sure she had the perfect strategy.

Trying to be as genuine as possible, (Y/N) skittishly walked out, playing with the end of her shirt and gazing towards the ground. When she did flicker her eyes to Damien, she saw his expectant expression and the subtle smile that was already creeping into view.

“Hi, I’m (Y/N),” she messed with her fingers, playing up a shy smile. Though she focused all her energy into being timid and cute, it wasn’t that hard to show – it was basically what she’d been feeling all day.

Damien waved towards her as she continued with a small voice, “I don’t usually do this. But – I just…” She scratched the back of her neck and gave a nervous laugh.

Courtney made funny noises from behind the prop screen, “This is adorable.”

“Come on, (Y/N),” Keith muttered, a hint of a giggle behind his words.

It was almost like Damien softened his reaction, like he was falling into a genuine feeling of worry for her.

“I just wanted to say…” (Y/N) let out an unexpected giggle, unable to contain a smile but still staring at the ground. “I think you’re really cute.” She finally looked at him and he seemed slightly surprised, bringing a hand over his chest as if asking if she was actually talking to him.

“Yes, you,” she laughed, fidgeting with her hands, “And I was hoping that maybe we could go out sometime. Like, maybe go to lunch, play some games, go see a movie. We – we could even just watch a movie at my place!” She became more animated as she held her monologue, her demeanor slowly developing from shy to persistent.

“We could make dinner! I have a very, very nice kitchen. I have a great array of… knives. Carving tools.” Her tone of voice became steady, almost menacing as her eyes remained pouring into his, unblinking, “And a very. Large. Freezer.”

Noah started laughing in a sense of horror, “Oh my God!”

“Have you ever had liver and onions? What about steak and kidney pie?” she was sizing him up now, looking him over with those same wide eyes. A finger was tapping her chin, “It’s absolutely delicious.”

Damien was increasingly shrinking in his seat, his before expression of flattery was replaced with a grimace. He was making muffled noises to her suggestions, shaking his head in confusion.

“I might bring a few friends along. I hope that’s okay. One of them works at Red Cross – we might as well donate blood while we’re at it.”

He couldn’t hold it in anymore and spluttered some water in surprise, “What the hell? What kind of Black Market ish was that?”

(Y/N) waved at the camera, marching off in a confident fashion, “Thank you, thank you!”

“(Y/N), you can actually be hella creepy,” Keith stated, straightening his sweatshirt, “I was not expecting that at all.”

Shayne laughed hard, “I guess we all know what (Y/N) does with her free time.”

Courtney joined in, giggling, “And I thought it was going to be some fluffy date proposal!”

And with an announcement from Shayne, it was (Y/N)’s turn to be on the stool. She quickly realized that Damien was going to approach her first.

“Great, instant revenge. I promise you’re still really cute, Damien, and not in just a ‘I-want-to-harvest-your-organs’ kind of way,” she stated away from him, sipping from her water bottle.

Little did she know that Shayne and Courtney were smacking Damien to make sure he noticed what was just said. After a little struggle, he was able to extract himself from his boisterous friends.

In complete silence he wandered around the stool and faced (Y/N) at an angle. She was almost afraid to keep eye contact with him, scared that a blush of some sort would course her cheeks.

Eventually Damien leaned over and kissed the top of her head, making (Y/N) scrunch her brows in confusion. Keith gave a classic muffled laugh as Courtney dramatically gasped.

Giving a short beat, Damien leaned over and kissed the top of her nose, making her flicker her eyes around asking silently where this was going. Shayne started his giggling again, peering over the screen.

Leaning over, Damien peered into (Y/N)’s eyes with raised eyebrows. And she could have sworn there were specks of pink flustering his cheeks. In an instant Damien wrapped his hands around (Y/N)’s face, placing his thumbs over her lips and kissing that exact spot.

Though he was essentially just kissing his own thumbs, (Y/N) made a muffled noise of surprise, practically gasping afterwards and leaning away on the stool. “I just swallowed my water!”

Everyone broke out in laughs as Damien clapped his hands in amusement at her reaction, “You should see your face.”

In complete shock, she grabbed her water bottle, secretly thankful that there were still five more people she needed to face before Damien again. But it didn’t take long for the game to be over, (Y/N) failing epically to not laugh every time. They filmed the outro and pumped the fans about following (Youtube Name) on social media, signing off with waving and cheers from the whole cast.

A few rounds of applause and hugs later, and (Y/N) found Shayne shoving his best friend over her way. How it didn’t dawn on them that they were in plain sight was beyond her, but Shayne gave a thumbs up towards Damien and motioned for him to keep walking over.

In response, Damien quietly shuffled towards (Y/N); she could almost see him trying to pull some confidence into his step, “Hey, (Y/N), you did really great out there.”

“So that means you still think I’m funny? I haven’t completely disappointed you?” she let her natural weird improv take over her speech – she knew if she tried to say something serious it would fall out jumbled and incoherent.

“Absolutely,” he practically muttered, playing with his hair immediately. “I had a lot of fun hanging with you today. Even if it was only for a couple hours at work.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “Make work fun and then it doesn’t really feel like work, right?”

“Yeah,” he agreed – his eyes crinkled when he giggled, she noticed. “Um… what – what are your plans for the rest of your time here?”

“Well,” she flickered her eyes around the hall, quickly noticing Shayne attempting to be casual in the doorway. “For today, I plan on going back to my hotel room and playing on my Playstation that I most definitely brought with me.”

Damien snickered again, “I see nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly normal to be attached to a gaming system.”

She laughed in response, “But I’ve got a few more collabs for the rest of my week here. Though during my free nights I was thinking of maybe exploring LA a little bit – see why people keep flocking over here… what all the hubba-ballue is about.”

“Well, maybe – just maybe,” he tried to add a bit of humor as always. “We can hang out sometime before you leave. I could show you the best parts of the city?”

“I suppose having an experienced LA person with me would help my quest of touring knowledge,” she averted her eyes for a few seconds, “Um… as long as you’re okay with spending at least one night playing Smash Bros. and Mario Party whilst snacking on sushi and Chinese food.”

That seemed to brighten his face to maximum proportions, “You know, I had a funny feeling we’d get along. Chinese food and games just so happens to be one of my favorite pastimes.”

She immediately pulled out her phone, “Then can I have your number? And you can text me when you’re free.”

He seemed practically overjoyed that she was the first to ask, “Of course, M’Lady.”

(Y/N) quietly snuck a glance back towards Shayne; he was leaning in close with a contorted brow. He was attempting to listen so intently to their conversation.

Giggling, she accepted her phone again, “Thank you. I’m really glad I’ve decided not to harvest your organs.”

He gave a breathy laugh, an immediate tickle in his throat, “Because I’m cute, right?”

“Do you need me to say it again?” She found herself hiding her fidgeting hands, a warm feeling spreading in her chest. “I’ll text you and you’ll have my number.” She was already typing on her screen.

“Awesome,” he pulled out his own phone and waited for the ding of a new message, “I see, ‘Hey there cutie.’ What a coincidence.”

“I think you need to talk to Shayne – he’s been worriedly watching our entire conversation.” She laughed at his scoff as he turned to glare at his best friend.

They muttered their goodbyes and shuffled away, (Y/N) almost immediately feeling her phone vibrate with a notification. It was a text message, and she quickly found out what Damien put himself as in her contacts:

||| AT&T LTE 2:15 PM 53%🔋

💬 Message from {The Cute One 💙}

“Going back to the whole Try Not to Laugh thing… just so you know, I also think you’re cute and not in a ‘I-only-want-to-kiss-you-with-my-thumbs-in-the-way’ kind of way.”

Before she was able to leave the office she turned to glance at the boys, seeing Shayne looking incredulously at Damien.

“YOU DIDN’T SAY IT TO HER IN PERSON? DAMIEN THAT WAS THE BEST LINE WE CAME UP WITH!”

~~~

Buy Me a Coffee?

#smosh #smosh pit #smosh games #damien haas #damien haas fluff #damien haas x reader #damien haas x you #damien haas x y/n #damien haas x shy reader #damein haas smosh #smosh damien haas #damien haas love #damien haas try not to laugh #smosh try not to laugh #damien haas fanfic #damien haas request #damien haas imagine

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breakingsomething · 5 years ago

Text

october tenth - part four (end)

basic summary: while jack bonds with chase and someone new, anti tries to fight back his ever growing pain by making many, many bad decisions. tagging @beebmo for inspiring this idea!

trigger warnings: blood, murder mention, self harm, suicidal ideation, knives

aiden finally came home five days after their fight.

jack had just been making coffee, wearing only his flamingo shorts and a pair of mismatched socks. no one was here anyway, and he had a few videos prerecorded, so he didn't really have to do much of anything. might as well just do whatever. he let his head hit the kitchen sideboard, half falling asleep standing up as he waited for the coffee maker to finish.

when he sat up, aiden was standing next to the door.

"bloody mother of mary, aiden!" jack cried, jumping and accidentally slamming his elbow into the table. then he took a closer look at him. aiden looked… so tired. big bags under his eyes, curly hair greasy and skin pale. he was wearing an oversized purple hoodie that jack didn't recognize, and he was staring at the ground in front of him, not daring to look up.

"oh, shit, aiden," jack murmured, much softer. he wasn't sure what to do, nervously cracking his knuckles and rubbing the back of his neck. "i'm - i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i shouldn't have hidden it from you, i shouldn't have tried to hide it, i should have -"

aiden cut him off. "save it," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. "it's cool. i don't wanna talk about it anymore."

jack nodded, his eyes suddenly burning. the coffee maker pinged, and he turned and busied himself with that, afraid that if he kept looking at aiden he'd start crying again. he'd been doing enough of that lately.

aiden was suddenly standing beside him. "i'd hug you," he joked. "but you're not wearing a shirt and it might be a bit weird."

jack cracked a small grin, and aiden just stared into the sink, neither one looking at the other. everything felt very odd between them for some reason. like in the few days they'd been apart, the distance between them had stretched for another thousand miles.

"so you're… aiden, you're gonna stay here, right?" jack asked tentatively, not wanting to set him off again. aiden's expression soured, his eyebrows narrowing, and his fingers dug into his sleeve.

"don't call me that." he almost spat, and jack set down his mug to properly look at him.

"call you… aid, that's your name. what else -"

"anti," he said, not glancing up from the sink. "call me anti."

they were silent for a moment. and for that moment, jack saw something in his friend that made his heart feel so much heavier than he could have imagined. something that he couldn't have explained if he tried. it was like the pain of losing something important to you. the pain of looking at something you love and knowing it's not going to be around much longer. and just the thought of that made jack's eyes well up with tears, and he turned away before he pulled his friend into a hug and never let go.

"ok," he said quietly. "ok."

nothing was the same.

despite staying in the same house as him, aiden was definitely avoiding jack. he barely saw him, and when he did, they almost never spoke. and when they did… jack couldn't bring himself to call his friend "anti." the name felt so… harsh. so painful. like aiden had just rejected everything that jack had ever made him, given him, those almost four years of friendship. was jack really that much of a terrible friend that aiden would just throw everything away?

apparently so. but soon, jack found something else to distract himself with - an unnamed number he recognized calling him up one morning while he was washing dishes. he'd raced into the living room to answer it upon hearing the default ringtone, but aiden was already there, holding it out to him without looking.

"it's the hat wearing one," he said nonchalantly, staring down at his laptop screen. jack bit his lip and took the phone, wondering if aiden was hoping he wouldn't answer, if he was supposed to put the phone down and tell aiden he was the only one who mattered. but his friend's expression gave nothing away, and jack uncertainly left the room and stood outside the door, answering the call.

"...chase?" he faltered. "that you?"

he heard a breath on the other end of the line. jack leaned against the wall, hitting his head again it gently.

"is this a butt dial call?" he tried to lighten the tension. "or one of the kids? hello, connor, louise, is that you?"

another second of silence. jack hesitated.

"if… if this is one of the kids…" he started. "can you tell your father i'm sorry i freaked him out, and i'm sorry i didn't tell him the whole truth straight away when i should have? i only made things worse for all of us, and i was stupid. will you tell him that? please?"

there was a small chuckle. "hey. it's just me," chase murmured. "just me. sorry to disappoint."

jack snorted, a smile appearing on his lips. "aw man, get off the line. put connor on the phone." relief filled him when chase laughed, a full, real laugh. then he sighed, biting his lip. "listen, chase… i -"

"can we talk irl?" chase interrupted. "i, uh, don't have a lot to do today and… i wanna get out the house anyway."

jack nodded, feeling dumb when he remembered chase couldn't see him. "yeah, sure, absolutely," he said, running a hand through his hair. ugh, he could feel how greasy it was. he had been wearing a hat for videos because he'd been too lazy to wash it. "let me take a shower first. then we can… costa?"

he heard chase exhale. "yeah, yeah. costa sounds good right now."

once he'd hung up, jack had to go through the living room to get to his own room. aiden barely looked up at him as he passed through, pausing hesitantly by the stairs. "aid - anti?" he questioned. "are you alright?"

aiden grunted, not taking his eyes off his laptop. jack waited for a second before speaking again. "i'm going out with chase." at this, aiden blinked, his expression changing for only a split second before he got it under control again. he didn't reply for a moment.

"good for you," he mumbled, and pulled his computer closer to him so it covered his face. jack sighed before going up the stairs to get ready.

once he'd showered and gotten changed, he took a moment to just look at himself in the mirror. he looked exhausted. he'd barely been sleeping lately, opting to cover the bags under his eyes in makeup so no fans would be concerned for him. his hair was getting too long, swooping almost in front of his eyes. he would have to get that cut soon. his lips were chapped and slightly bloody from how often he bit them, and his skin was blotchy from how much he'd been crying. he looked exhausted. he looked pathetic.

he tried again with aiden on the way out. "hey, man. i'm… you're gonna be ok here?"

aiden finally looked up at that, unamused. "yes, jack. i will be fine on my own." he monotoned, and jack winced. "go do your thing with jinx hat. i'll be perfectly fine, thanks for the concern."

jack swallowed and left without another word.

chase was waiting for him in costa, biting his knuckles and staring out the window. jack nearly lost all courage and turned round, but really… he had nothing left to lose at this point. besides, chase had seen him through the glass and had visibly brightened, sitting up and waving. despite himself, jack smiled as he went inside.

"hey," he said as he sat down across from him. chase looked tired too, but he managed a smile. "how have, uh… how've you been holding up?"

chase shrugged, spreading his hands out. "'bout as well as i can be," he said casually, spinning his phone round the table on its pop socket. "everything's been a bit… hectic, recently. i don't know. what about you?"

jack mimicked chase's shrug. "same for me, i guess." he hesitated. "look, i'm sorry about… the subway thing. that was a lot, and i'm sorry."

chase gave a shuddering breath. "oh, yeah, that was definitely a lot." he glanced up, tilting his head back slightly on his chair. "but i'm totally over it." he laughed. "actually, no, i'm very much not. i don't know why i said that."

jack nodded. "do you want me to try and explain?"

"oh, please do."

they got up and ordered (a green tea with a white chocolate and raspberry muffin for chase, a flat white coffee and chocolate chip cookie for jack), and talked quietly as they did so. well, this time jack mostly talked, chase listening. by the time they'd sat back down with their stuff, jack had pretty much filled him in on everything.

"holy crap," chase murmured. "that's… a lot. once again."

"are you alright?" jack asked. "i get that i, like, just blew your entire existence. if that makes any sense."

"give me a couple minutes to come to terms with this," chase said, sipping his drink. they were silent, both lost in their own heads.

"this is a prank," chase eventually concluded, turning to look jack right in the eyes. "right? where are the cameras or whatever, is this some kind of prank show that you're a part of?" he laughed without humor. "very funny, you really got me."

"chase, i swear -" jack started, but chase cut him off.

"i looked up that youtube channel you told me about," he said. "jacksepticeye? looked it up. it doesn't exist. shit's not real. god, you could have at least tried."

jack blinked in shock. "but it - it does!" he spluttered. he fumbled in his pocket for his phone. "here, i'll show -"

"i'm not a complete goddamn moron, jack," chase muttered, but then jack pulled up his channel which was, thankfully, still there, and chase's eyes widened.

"but i - i looked it up last night on my computer - there was nothing!" he stammered. he slumped back in his seat. "i swear, there was - i'm not lying!"

jack shifted in his seat, suddenly restless. "i don't know. i don't know, ok? maybe you spelled it wrong." and before chase could protest further, jack changed the subject. "anyway, fuck. i don't wanna think about all the technical improbabilities of this fucking world. i don't even know what i am to be able to create people."

chase fanned his face with his hands, breathing heavily. "fuck!" he said, a bit too loudly. "fuck, man." he suddenly stilled. "so does your friend hate me? aiden?"

jack paused before nodding slowly. "uh, at the moment, yes. but… maybe if you got to know each other, that could change?" he winced. "i don't know. that sounds dumb. but… what do you think?"

chase unwrapped his muffin, also nodding. "i mean, yeah. i'd be down. if you're certain he wouldn't kill me."

jack laughed, relaxing slightly. "he wouldn't kill you, man. he's just… he's a bit aggressive sometimes. he's got some antisocial tendencies. and he's, uh, a bit… doesn't like new people."

"yeah, i definitely got that," chase said, and they both laughed.

a few days passed by. chase and jack kept in touch, meeting up a few times to walk around town and talk. aiden continued to avoid talking to jack. and with the end of september came a burst of extreme cold so bad that school was briefly cancelled and everyone was to stay inside as much as possible.

"it's never this cold, even in england," jack joked to aiden, who was sitting at the kitchen table on his phone. he didn't even acknowledge jack had spoken.

suddenly, he'd had enough. "are you ever going to talk to me again?" he demanded. aiden made a face, and jack felt anger and hurt rising up in his chest. "please, aiden, anti, whatever, can you just -"

"hard to want to talk to you when you won't even respect my choice to change my name," aiden interrupted, and jack deflated. he blinked away the tears that rose up in his eyes.

"anti," he said finally. anti looked up, something in his eyes that jack didn't recognize. "anti. i'm sorry i've been such a douche. ok? i'm - what else do you want, man?"

anti didn't say anything. then he craned his neck to look at the ceiling, leaning back in his chair. "dunno," he mumbled. "to go back in time, i guess."

that wasn't something jack could do. he chewed the inside of his mouth and stayed quiet.

anti stared at the flats, biting his lip with frustration.

they'd fucking spelled the place. anywhere he tried to get in just shocked him, so badly he couldn't seem to push through. had it been the cat who'd done it, or something other powerful magician that the two of them knew? it didn't matter. he couldn't fucking get in.

he cursed red and the cat under his breath. they were smart, he could see that. and powerful. far too powerful. it might even end up that they could be a match for anti.

whatever. they couldn't stay in there forever. he'd get them one day. one day. and then they'd fucking pay.

chase called him that night in tears.

"chase - chase, calm, i can't understand what you're saying," jack said, pacing the kitchen with his phone to his ear. anti, on the couch in the other room, snorted loudly.

"she's k-kicking me out," chase sobbed, voice slightly slurred. jack could hear car horns in the background. "she says 'm a bad example for th'kids, says she's afraid i'll - i'll hurt -" he cried out, the connection fuzzing for a moment. "i wouldn't hurt them, jack!"

"hey, hey, i know you wouldn't," jack consoled, trying to stay calm. "chase, where are you?"

there was a rush of noise on the other end and then the call went dead.

"f- oh, for fuck's sake!" jack despaired. he went round the corner to the living room, looking in at anti. "dude, can you help me?"

anti yawned dramatically, stretching his arms above his head. "with what?" he asked slowly, knowing exactly what jack was going to ask.

"chase is - his wife kicked him out, apparently, he sounded drunk and upset, i need you to help me find him. you can track cell phone signals, right?" jack blurted. anti sighed, rolling his eyes.

"hmm, some days i can. other days i just… can't, you know?" anti said with a small smirk. jack balled his fists up and resisted the urge to scream.

"anti, for fuck's sake, i am not kidding around tonight," jack spat, practically shaking with silent rage. "can you help me or should i go out looking for him myself?"

anti blinked at jack's anger. he evidently hadn't been expecting jack to be so upset. "ok, yeah, i can track signals," he mumbled. he got to his feet, swaying slightly on the spot. "i'll - fuck, i guess i'll help if you want."

"thank you, anti," jack said softly. anti just made a noise and grabbed his jacket, going towards the door.

anti traced the signal all right, but the time they got to where it had been, chase was long gone. anti tried to find the signal again to locate where chase's phone was now, but in such a big city with so many people, everything got muddled up into one. they searched for hours, to no avail, and went home defeated.

"can't believe i wasted my evening on that fucker," anti announced as they walked back in. "fucking waste of time, waste of a good -"

"thanks anyway," jack interrupted before anti could go on a spiel. "you, uh, didn't have to help me, but thank you for doing that. even if we - yeah."

anti softened for just a moment, brown eyes warming, before glancing away from jack and stiffening again. "whatever," he mumbled, and said nothing more.

chase called him the next afternoon. "jack!" he said, sounding a lot more chipper than jack had expected him to. "jack, my friend, i have something awesome to tell you!"

jack furrowed his brow. "didn't your - man, are you ok? where were you last night?"

he could almost hear chase grinning. "stayed with my new friend henrik!" he said. "and i think you'll definitely want to meet him!"

jack yawned, rubbing the space between his eyes. "mmhmm, yeah. chase, do you have any idea how long me and anti spent searching for you last night?"

chase paused. "oh, shit. man, i'm - i'm sorry. i got… extremely drunk." he gave an embarrassed laugh. "really sorry. i meant to call again."

"yeah, it's cool," jack said, shaking his head. "i'm sorry about your wife, man, it's a shitty situation. why do you want me to meet your friend?"

"oh, you definitely will," chase said, and jack could hear someone shout something in the background. "i'm fucking hungover as all hell, dude, and i feel like absolute shit in every sense, but i think we should meet up. uh, maybe tomorrow, cause i think i might throw up sometime very soon. can we do that? i need something to take my mind off of, well, everything."

jack heard a crash from the other room, and anti cursing loudly. "uh, yeah, if you wanna. where?"

"i'm - i'm pretty broke, not gonna lie. henrik's pretty well off at the moment, but we decided to go cheap. you ok with mcdonalds?"

jack peeked into the living room. anti had dropped his glass of water, and it had smashed on the floor. he was on his hands and knees, attempting to pick up the pieces. "yeah, sounds cool. i gotta go, k?"

"yep!" chase said cheerfully. "see you at maybe twelve or so tomorrow?"

jack made a noise of affirmation and hung up, rushing into the living room. "anti, you ok?"

he didn't say anything, just continued trying to pick up the glass with his hands. jack sighed. "man, don't do that, you're gonna hurt yourself."

"don't give a shit," anti mumbled. he gave a small gasp and dropped a piece, grabbing at his wrist.

"aid - fuck's sake, get back." jack pushed anti's hands away and scooped up the glass with a dustpan. "how did you drop the glass, did you trip or something?"

anti made several odd noises. "hands are just really shaky lately," he said quietly, and when jack turned to look at him, there was blood slowly dripping down his arm.

"shit," jack groaned. he took the glass and dumped it in a bag before putting it in the outside bin. "i'll help -"

"i'm ok," anti insisted. he stood up, shaking out his hands. "i can deal with it myself."

"anti, wait," jack protested, and in a moment of desperation, grabbed anti's arm as he tried to bolt away to his room. anti gasped in pain and shoved jack off him, pushing him into the wall.

"fuck off, jay!" anti said angrily. he held his arm close to him - the arm he hadn't hurt with the glass, jack noticed. "seriously, mind your own!"

"anti, are you hurt?" jack frowned. anti stepped back onto the stairs, shaking.

"yeah, i just cut my bloody hand with a piece of fucking glass. you were right there." anti spat. "now i'm gonna go up to my room, if you don't mind."

jack couldn't even protest as anti glitched out of sight. somewhere above him, a door slammed.

oh, but it hurt.

not the cut on his hand. that was barely a scratch. but his body. oh, his body fucking burned. every inch of his body was constantly wracked with pain, like permanent pins and needles throughout his entire being. anti had never hurt like this all at once before.

and it was constant. constant. for nearly three weeks now, he had been like this; barely able to move half the time, his head throbbing and feeling like a thick soup. some days he physically could not move, no matter how much he tried. he wouldn't even be able to speak or cry out for jack, not that he would have even if he could. he became static at random times, his phone and laptop short circuited, he was constantly sick and depressed and so, so angry.

and he'd tried everything to fix it, everything. he'd drank a shitton of alcohol one night, resulting in a seizure that lasted almost a full minute. he'd went out running, thinking maybe the exercise would help, but that had somehow made it worse. he'd even tried causing himself voluntary pain, like that would help the rest of the pain dull, but it did nothing. everything hurt. everything hurt.

he was dying. that was the idea that had planted itself in his brain, and he couldn't shake it out. he was dying and it would only be a matter of time before he couldn't physically form at all, left just a glitching husk of nothingness, and then gone entirely. no one would notice but jack. no one would even notice but jack.

and maybe… his mind drifted to rhudy. rhudy who was so nice to him. rhudy who didn't lie to him or abandon him. anti almost wanted to go see him.

anti was going to die and it was jack's fault.

he's trying to kill you, was the delusion that he had convinced himself was truth. jack wanted him dead so he could spend all his time with chase, so that he could find the doctor and the hero and the magician, the ones who weren't broken and fucked up like anti was. he wanted anti gone. he wanted anti dead.

anti hugged himself and tried not to shake or throw up. he felt so fucking replused with himself, with everything.

he wanted to go see rhudy. he wanted to, but he didn't want jack asking questions, he didn't want to talk to jack at all. feeling sick, he sat up on his bed and let out a shuddering sigh. he wanted to go see rhudy.

maybe he didn't have to tell jack, he suddenly thought. it wasn't like he'd care anyway. as soon as that thought entered his mind, he stood right up, his head rushing from the movement. anti stumbled over to the window, yanking it open despite how his bandaged arms screamed in pain, and swung his legs over the windowsill. he was on the second floor, and it was maybe five meters or so to the ground - not enough to kill him. he pushed off the sill and glitched before hitting the grass, landing safely with a soft thump. for a second he doubled over, nearly screaming from the sudden pain, then straightened and began to jog unsteadily in the direction of the high street.

it was starting to get dark as he reached the store. he could see rhudy standing out the front, smoking a cigarette and scrolling through his phone. even from here, anti could see he had google open and was searching up "ikeas near me." he almost laughed as he walked over, swaying on his feet as his legs burned.

rhudy looked up as he got closer, a grin breaking across his face. "hey, anti, what are you doing here this time of day?" he asked warmly. then his smile faded as he saw the state anti was in. "hey man, you ok?"

anti didn't say a word. he just threw his arms around rhudy's neck, holding on tightly as his legs gave out beneath him.

"anti!" rhudy exclaimed. he helped anti walk over to the shop door, unlocking it with a key from his pocket. "shit, man, what's up?"

anti groaned, clinging to rhudy's shoulder. "you own this store?" he mumbled.

"uh, yeah, i do," he said, pushing the door open and flicking on the lights. "i might have forgot to mention. you're hurting, aren't you? i can't - usually i can figure out reasons, but not now, for some reason."

he helped anti sit down in a chair at the side of the room near a stack of vinyls. anti didn't usually spend a lot of time in the main section of the store, so while rhudy rushed to the back to get him some water, he took a minute to properly look around. the store looked a lot smaller in the busy hours when there were tons of people, but he could now see how big it actually was. everything was in rows and stacks, signs detailing what sections each thing was in hanging from the ceiling. the walls were a light green and windows stretched all the way round them, letting in the soft evening lights and showing off the streets outside. it made anti feel very exposed, and he curled in on himself, hugging his shoulders.

"here," rhudy said, handing him a plastic bottle and sitting down next to him. anti smile gratefully and took several gulps, his hands still trembling so badly he spilled some water down his front.

"are you ok, man?" rhudy asked quietly. "you're shaking, what happened?"

"nothing," anti murmured, attempting to screw the cap back on the bottle. after a moment of watching him struggle, rhudy took it and did it himself, letting out a small laugh as anti's face turned red and he mumbled a thanks under his breath.

"are you sure it was nothing?" rhudy said. he turned his head to look at anti properly, his brown eyes looking more orange in this lighting. "you can tell me if something's wrong, you know."

anti made a small noise. "can we play some music, or - or something?" he asked, staring down at his bouncing legs. his mind was racing, he needed some kind of fucking distraction.

rhudy nodded, jumping to his feet. "what do you want on? any preferences?" he stopped and made fingers guns at the air, hair falling in his face. "wait, don't tell me. you like…" he suddenly giggled. "you like queen?"

despite it all, a grin spread across anti's face. "wow, you can tell just by looking at me?" he joked, and rhudy laughed as he crossed the room, popping out a vinyl of queen's a night at the opera and holding it up for anti to see before putting it in its player. anti smiled even wider, a pang of something hurting in his chest.

the first few notes of bohemian rhapsody began to play, and rhudy danced round back to anti, clicking his fingers and spinning in circles.

"is this the real life?" he sang dramatically, and anti couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked and sounded. "or is this just fantasy? caught in a landslide, no escape from reality…"

he grabbed anti's hand and pulled him to his feet, twirling him round despite his noises of protest. "i'm just a poor boy, i need no sympathy!" he cried, and anti giggled.

"you're a dumbass!" he grinned, and rhudy raised an eyebrow.

"sing with me then, asshole. you can definitely sing." he challenged.

"is that the clairvoyance talking?" anti asked.

rhudy raised his chin. "let's find out!"

he grabbed anti's hand and pulled him close to his chest. "any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me…"

anti joined in at the next part. "...to me!"

the two of them swayed on the spot, giggling like idiots as they tried to sing. and for some reason, anti suddenly didn't care if anyone looked through the window and saw them. he couldn't even feel the pain anymore. all that mattered was this. not jack, not chase. just this. this man, this song, this fucking moment.

he was sure they both looked ridiculous. rhudy was not the greatest singer, and really, neither was anti, but they both knew all the words and that was what mattered. "too late, my time has come," they sang in unison. "sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time…"

anti paused to take a drink, and rhudy continued dancing by himself, leaving a gap and holding his arms out like he was holding a partner. when anti laughed and joined him again, rhudy twirled him round and nearly dropped him. "mama, ooh!" he crooned. "i don't wanna die, sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all!"

rhudy grabbed his guitar from the table behind him and attempted to play it along with the song but it was too fast and he gave up, pretending to play it instead. as the song sped up, so did they, taking turns singing the galileo's and bursting into fits of laughter.

"so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?" rhudy yelled, pulling anti closer to him and laughing breathlessly.

"so you think you can love me and leave me to die?" anti yelled after him, and at that point they gave up on singing and collapsed to the floor next to a record stand, wheezing and catching their breaths. and fuck, fuck, it was such a warm, joyful feeling, and for a moment anti didn't even feel any pain, just happiness. all he wanted was to feel like this forever. he wished there was a way he could feel like this forever and never have to stop.

rhudy turned to him, and suddenly their faces were very, very close. far too close. anti's smile faded slightly. this was normal, right? this was how normal people found happiness?

maybe he could feel like this forever.

anti had, obviously, never kissed anyone before. doing so felt… odd, to say the least. it didn't feel like much of anything except touching faces with someone else. but this had to be it, the solution to his problems. this had to be what would make him happy. he'd been so happy while they were dancing and talking… this had to be what those feelings were. it had to be.

and maybe it did feel nice to be so close to another person, and that was what mattered.

he moved his head back to take a breath. rhudy opened his eyes wide, blinking. this close, anti could see pale freckles dotted across rhudy's nose.

"oh," rhudy said softly.

"shit," anti said just as softly.

he kissed him again and it felt wrong and right and it distracted him from the pain and anti never wanted to stop.

the song had ended. the room was getting very dark, as the lights had long ago flickered out. he let out a breath, almost too overwhelmed to speak.

"i - i should close up," rhudy murmured against anti's mouth.

"do that," anti said. "i - i don't really have anywhere to go tonight."

that was a lie.

"you can stay at mine," rhudy said. "if you want."

anti still had time to back out.

"i do want."

the next afternoon, jack was getting ready to go out again.

he wasn't really surprised that anti had gone out. he was more surprised that he had snuck out the window. had he wanted to avoid jack that badly? actually, maybe he wasn't surprised. jack sighed as he attempted to fix his hair in the mirror despite how it kept standing straight up at the ends. whatever. it wasn't like he cared at this point.

chase texted him to let him know he and henrik were inside the mcdonalds. it was crowded, and two little kids slammed into jack's legs as they ran out. frowning, he tried to scan the crowd to see his friend through all the people. he'd said he'd gotten a table, so maybe - ah, there he was, up against the wall and waving cheerily at him despite his clearly tear splotched face, and there was someone with him, someone…

jack stopped walking right in the middle of all the people and didn't breathe.

"jack!" chase called, standing up and beckoning him over. jack almost couldn't move. the man next to chase looked confused as well, tapping his arm rapidly and saying something jack couldn't hear. he slowly walked over to their table, his legs feeling like jelly.

"jack, meet henrik!" chase beamed, gesturing towards the other man. the man who, like chase, like anti… looked exactly like himself.

"hey," jack murmured, sitting down tentatively across from the other two. henrik nodded, mouth hanging open slightly in shock.

"henrik, this is jack," chase said, twirling his hand around. they both bobbed their heads up and down, staring at each other.

"it is… nice to meet you?" henrik said uncertainly, and jack jolted at his german accent. holy shit, it was him. it was him. henrik stretched his hand across the table for jack to shake, and he took it. "henrik von schneeplestein, if you please."

"jack… mcloughlin," he said, forcing a smile. then he turned to chase. "chase, can i talk to you for a second?"

chase frowned. "uh, yeah, sure," he said, and jack stood and walked over to the other side of the room, grabbing chase's arm as he followed him.

"dude, what the fuck? we've left henrik alone over there!" chase hissed.

"chase, i - where did you find this guy? how do you know him?" jack asked.

chase yawned, scrubbing at his face. "met him at a bar, his wife has just kicked him out too. we bonded over it, apparently." he laughed. "we didn't recognize that we had the same face until later."

jack glanced over at the man, who was awkwardly scrolling through his phone at the table. his mind literally could not wrap around it.

"he's a practicing doctor," chase said, snapping him from his thoughts. "studying at the local university. is this guy… is this guy the doctor you told me about? the one you made to help aiden?"

"i think so," jack said. "this is - this is fucking weird." he turned to chase. "did you tell him?"

"what, that everything he knows is fake and he's not even real?" chase snorted, fixing the brim of his cap. "no, i didn't. i barely believe it myself, i'm still convinced this is a very elaborate prank. i'm only going along with this because it'll get a lot of views on my channel if we can make this funny enough."

jack rolled his eyes and began to go back to the table. "sure, whatever."

henrik smiled as they sat back down. "everything ok?" he asked, tapping his fingers on the table. as he looked at the two of them, jack noticed a few slight differences between himself and henrik and chase. henrik's hair was flatter with a small streak of grey, and his eyes were a much lighter blue. chase looked almost younger than jack, and there were a few freckles splattered across his face that jack was sure hadn't been there the last time he'd seen him. it was so surreal, knowing he had somehow brought them into existence. that if anti's theory was correct, they were pieces of his soul. the thought made him feel almost sick.

"yeah, it's fine," jack said. "do you guys, uh, wanna get food?"

"i would," henrik nodded. "then maybe we can talk about why you are my exact copy and chase did not think to tell me this."

this ceiling wasn't his. these walls weren't his. this room wasn't his.

anti blinked at the lights streaming through the windows for almost thirty seconds before he remembered.

shit. oh shit, oh shit, please say he hadn't done what he thought he had. he sat straight up, panic coursing through him, and - nope, this wasn't his bed. he was shirtless, and rhudy was laying beside him, asleep.

ok. ok. this was fine, anti reassured himself, fumbling for his clothes. this was fine. rhudy stirred slightly, making a small sound in his throat. anti felt sick.

because it wasn't fine. nothing was fine anymore. he fucking hated this, he hated it and he wasn't supposed to. he had been so happy last night - why hadn't this fixed him? why had he been having a good time until he kissed rhudy, why had he convinced himself this was what would help him? jesus fuck, anti was going to be sick. he was going to be sick.

he was going to have to kill him.

that was the only thought in his panic stricken brain. kill rhudy and get the fuck out of there, go back to jack, maybe kill him too if he still felt like it. anti frantically began getting dressed, looking for his knife in his hoodie pocket. it was still there, thankfully. he unfolded it grimly, tapping it against his hand as he breathed heavily, trying not to scream. bile rose in his throat as he looked down at the other man, thinking about slitting his throat.

he'd done it before. why couldn't he do it now, why was he suddenly scared? why had he formed an emotional attachment? he grabbed at his hair, his knife dangerously close to his face. this was fucking pathetic. he took several deep breaths, and lowered the knife to where rhudy was laying. right next to his throat.

why couldn't he do it? what the fuck was wrong with him?

he didn't have time to think about it, because rhudy's was awake and he was staring at anti, eyes wide, almost not daring to move.

"anti?" he said, shocked. "what are you -"

anti yelped and leaped off the bed, stumbling back into the wall as rhudy sat up, holding both hands up next to his head. "hey, hey!" he cried, and he looked terrified, and anti held up the knife in front of him, warning him not to move.

"d-d-don't -" anti stammered, but suddenly his voice wouldn't cooperate and neither would his body. he glitched wildly, yanking his hair and crying out through the pain ripping through him, almost collapsing from the agony that had come out of nowhere. after he'd collected himself, he managed to glance up, still holding onto his head. rhudy was just… looking. just looking. horrified. anti stared back, far too aware for how disgusting he looked, half formed and probably insane. this had been a mistake. this had always been a fucking mistake.

he glitched away and rhudy didn't move to stop him.

his face burned.

it wasn't just from the humiliation of what had just happened, either. it felt like an actual, genuine burn, like someone was dragging a lighter down his cheek. as he quickly darted down the streets, getting as far away from rhudy's place as possible, he swiped at his face with his sleeve, trying to figure out what it was. something wet - blood, he assumed, but his sleeve wasn't stained when he pulled away, and when he touched his face with his hand it came away clear, like water, like -

oh, oh. like tears. anti was crying.

he had never cried before. never. he gasped and scrubbed at his skin fiercely, ignoring the pain. why did it burn? jack had cried before, he never told him it burned so bad, oh, it hurt. he gritted his teeth and pushed through it. fuck, he couldn't go home in this state.

he decided to just go get food at the mcdonalds near the park. might as well. it was pretty crowded, which anti was fine with; no one would notice him in a crowd. no one, except… his mouth dropped open when he saw. surely not. surely not here.

chase, sitting at a table across the room, saw him first. he tapped jack's arm, and he turned around to see him, along with the other man who was next to him. three of them. last anti had checked, that was one too many. the other man wasn't the hero, wasn't the magician… he must have been the doctor, finally found. anti looked away from them, too overwhelmed with everything to even care.

once he'd ordered and calmed himself down, he casually wandered over to their table, slamming both hands down on the surface and grinning wickedly. "hey there, assholes," he said, delighting in how chase and the doctor jumped at his sudden movement. jack just sighed. anti tilted his head at the man next to chase. "doctor schneeplestein, i presume?"

"how do you -" the man started, and anti just laughed. he was fucking furious all of a sudden, and just this man's presence was making it worse. "who are you?"

anti pulled his signature move of turning his eyes black, smirking. "is it cliche to say your worst nightmare?"

"anti," jack interrupted, about to stand, but anti pushed him down again forcefully. that didn't stop him from trying, though, and he struggled against anti's hand. "stop this, man, please."

anti was about to say something else, probably a snappy comeback or something, when jack's brow furrowed and he looked concerned. "anti, what happened to your face?"

anti snorted. "what do you mean?"

jack shrugged anti off and stood, too close to anti's face. "man, there's a big - it looks like a long, thin, burn mark, anti, what did you do?"

"i didn't do anything!" he protested, but then jack held up his phone on the front camera and - oh. he did have a long, thin burn mark on his cheek, trailing down from his right eye. oh, shit.

anti took several steps back, not wanting to look. he glared at the three man, frantically trying to think of something else to say that would put him back in control.

"order 107!" called a woman behind the counter, and anti glanced at his receipt. that was him. as he went up to collect his order, jack scrambled over to talk to him.

"anti, anti," he said breathlessly. "fuck, are you alright? where did you, uh, go last night?"

anti laughed without humour. "you wouldn't believe me if i told you."

jack made a noise of resignation and shook his head. "ok, sure, be vague about it. listen, i'm… i'm going to talk more with chase and henrik, ok? i -"

"ooh, the doc has a first name?" anti said in a mocking tone. jack threw up his hands.

"jesus shit, anti, listen to me for once! they're going to be round at the house sometimes, and you're going to have to just deal with it, ok? i'm allowed to have other friends apart from you. and these guys… well, you know what the situation is with them. i just… i have to learn more about what i can do, i guess. and i want you to be with me." he tapped anti's shoulder gently, his expression softening. "you're my best friend, dude. you got that? i'm not going to replace you."

but he already was, and he didn't even realize it. anti was dying, and jack didn't know. would he care if anti told him?

jack bit his lip, obviously concerned about anti's lack of a response. "you wanna come sit with us?"

did he? not really. but there was a small part of him that thought, maybe… he should. he should go sit with them and apologize for being an asshole. he should talk with them and find out more about their lives. he should let jack slowly explain everything to them and become friends and tell jack how badly he was hurting and then he'd fix him. wouldn't he? he could just do that. anti was so close to just giving in and letting himself do that.

but once glance at the doctor and the father at the table, looking over at them with confused and worried expressions, was all that anti needed to confirm what he wanted to do.

"no, i don't." anti said firmly. and with that, he turned and left, taking his food and not once looking back.

true to jack's word, chase and henrik were round at the house several times in the next three days.

at this point, anti couldn't tell if anyone had told henrik about the whole being-created-by-jack thing, and he didn't care to find out. henrik and chase tried not to be pushy or in his way, which he was slightly grateful for, but just their presence in the house annoyed him. he ended up staying in his room all the time, watching stuff on netflix and hacking phone lines when he got bored. he could often hear talking through his door and would sometimes just sit and listen. it made his chest hurt to hear jack so happy when he was so fucking miserable.

one day he bumped into chase when he left his room to get some food from the kitchen.

"shit, sorry," chase said, holding up a hand apologetically. anti just glared at him until he backed off, grinning awkwardly. "uh, you alright, dude?"

anti was getting pretty sick of people asking if he was ok. "the fuck do you think?" he snarled, taking a step forward. chase flattened himself against the wall, hands in a pose of surrender.

"fuck, man, relax," he said, laughing nervously. "i'll get out of your way."

"you fucking better," anti spat, revelling in the fear in chase's eyes. "or i'll tear your goddamn throat out with my teeth."

chase nodded frantically. "ok, ok, cool, i got it," he babbled, eyes darting back and forth down the hall. anti laughed at how pathetic he looked. he knew he should back away and go back to his room. but suddenly, this just wasn't enough.

"you know, you fucking disgust me!" anti said cheerfully, and chase paled. "i honestly do not know why jack puts up with you. you're so… boring, you know?" he yawned exaggeratedly. "boring, and just plain depressing. you get me? you're genuinely such a misery to be around." he laughed, and chase made a terrified squeak that was like music to anti's ears.

he stepped back, giving chase the room to move even though he chose not to do so, still plastered against the wall. a grin cut through anti's face.

"you don't have many friends, do you, jinx hat?" anti said, still smiling. chase's hand touched his head self consciously. "i wouldn't imagine you did. not many people would miss someone so boring, would they?"

he bounced back to his room, leaving chase alone in the hallway.

"anti."

he sighed loudly upon hearing jack's voice, and didn't get up from his bed. "that's me."

he heard jack tap the door gently. "i, uh, have a surprise for you."

anti raised an eyebrow despite jack not being able to see. "yeah? and what's that?"

"come and see!" jack said, excitement in his voice. "i think you're definitely gonna like this."

anti entertained the idea of ignoring him and going back to sleep. but he was, admittedly, slightly curious, and he was all prepared to be angry if it was a terrible surprise. jack grinned when anti opened the door, clapping his hands together once. "yes! come on, come to my recording room."

"are jinx and the doc here?" he asked suspiciously as they walked across the hall.

"nope! and you know, they have names." jack pushed open his recording room door, gesturing towards his computer. "go and see!"

anti stepped in, glancing around, but he couldn't see anything out of place. the only unusual thing was that jack's computer was on and loaded up to a game. anti frowned and stepped closer, staring at the screen.

"yeah, so you got the new five night's game. so what?" anti said, turning round confusedly. jack grinned.

"you know how when i was sick and you recorded that one video for me?" he said, spreading out his hands. "well… here's a series of your very own! happy early birthday!"

anti couldn't breathe for a second.

"you're… you're letting me…" he swallowed, suddenly feeling very small. "you're gonna let me play it… as you?"

jack laughed and looked down at the floor, rubbing his neck. "yeah, i am," he said. "i've been planning it basically since i heard it was coming out. i figured it'd be fun for you."

anti's breath hitched as he tried to gather words. "i - i, um… thank you, holy shit." he blinked rapidly. "fuck, i… after i've been such an asshole?"

"you're not an asshole," jack said quietly. "i - i've been a dick too, ok? and i feel like this is a… well, a good start."

anti turned back to the computer and watched the loading screen glitch. it was weird to think that he wasn't the one causing it.

"it came out yesterday, but i could only get it now," he heard jack say. he came to stand beside anti, putting a hand on his shoulder. "what do you think?"

anti ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think of how to respond. "i'd love to play it," he murmured. "fuck, thank you."

jack hesitated, then pulled him in for a hug. anti nearly burst into tears then and there, too scared to speak or move in case he did. he let jack hold him for a moment, then slowly wrapped his arms around his friend, resting his face against his shoulder.

"i'm sorry," jack whispered.

a pause.

"me too," anti whispered back.

the game took about two and a half hours to complete. it was strangely terrifying, knowing that people were going to see this, to see him. but he tried his best to keep it cool. at several point he almost had to stop from how much pain his body was in, but he was sure it was fine. he filmed four episodes in all, changing shirts between each one so it wouldn't seem like he'd played the whole game in one day; which, now he thought about it, wouldn't have been that weird for jack. once he'd finished, he considered watching it back to see if he'd made any obvious mistakes in his imitation of jack, but there wouldn't be much he could do to change it now, so he didn't really care that much. he decided to take the liberty of sending the videos to robin himself and then went out to see jack, feeling happier than he had in a long time.

jack was in the kitchen, making popcorn. anti stood at the door for a minute, listening to the popping sounds, before jack noticed him and broke out in a grin. "hey! how was it, did you finish?"

he nodded, suddenly almost shy, looking down at the chair legs. "i sent the videos to robin," he said. "and, uh�� thanks again."

"no problem, dude, i'm glad you liked it." the microwave beeped and jack took the bowl out, yelping at how hot it was. "ouch, fucking burning bastard. do you wanna watch a movie or something?"

anti gave a small nod. "if you want. any ideas?"

jack moved past him into the living room, eating the popcorn dry. "well, this movie came out on netflix today. the siege of jadotville. it's irish."

anti snorted. "just the name alone is putting me to sleep."

"did i mention it's irish?"

"irish, smirish, it sounds crap!"

the two of them laughed, and anti felt warm again.

the movie was boring, as anti had predicted. he barely stayed awake long enough to get half an hour in before drifting off on the arm of the couch, jack gently playing with his hair. when he woke, it was late afternoon, jack was gone, and a blanket had been draped over him. he sighed warmly, not wanting to move.

"aid - anti? you up?"

he glanced up to see jack coming into the room, looking worried. anti pushed himself to his elbows, yawning. "i am. what's the problem?"

jack raised his arms behind his head, blowing all the air out his cheeks. anti immediately recognized something was wrong and sat up fully, throwing the blanket off him. "jay? what is it? come on, man, spit it out."

jack took a deep breath and folded his hands. "you know how you sent the videos to robin?"

a thick feeling of dread rose up in anti's chest. "yeah?" he said quietly, almost afraid to hear.

jack hesitated before continuing. "the, uh, files got corrupted," he mumbled. "glitches everywhere. it's… unusable, i think. i'm sorry."

neither one of them said anything for a long moment.

"post it anyway," anti said eventually.

jack sighed and sat down next to him on the couch. "dude, i can't. the facecam footage looks terrible, it's always staticy and glitchy, and you can't even be heard at some points -"

"then edit that out!" anti yelled, leaping to his feet. jack got up again right after. "edit that out and post it, it's fine, you let me film that, jack! i've waited years for you to let me appear on the channel!"

jack flinched back, shaking his head. "anti -"

"no!" he screamed, grabbing at his hair. "no, no, that's not fair, it's not my fault!"

"i thought you had your glitching under control?" jack said worriedly, holding out his hands to try and calm anti down.

"i did, i did, i have for years!" the sound of static got even louder, and anti could feel himself slowly losing control again. "it's your fault, it's your fucking fault, it's your fault that i'm dying!"

jack just watched helplessly as anti screamed, clawing at himself and glitching so wildly he couldn't stay together. "anti, i -"

"i've tried everything!" he wailed, his whole body searing with pain as he tried to piece himself back. "i tried drinking, i tried exercising, i tried burning myself, i tried - fuck, i even tried sleeping with my only other friend, nothing works and it's your bloody fault!"

"anti!" jack cried, alarmed. "i -"

someone knocked at the door.

anti whipped round, eyes blazing. "and who's that?"

"well, uh, i think it's chase and henrik - we - we were gonna go out for a bit - anti, wait -"

"oh, come in!" anti called, in a perfect imitation of jack's voice. "door's open!"

the door opened, and anti could hear the two other men chattering as they came inside. jack visibly swallowed. "anti," he said, very softly. "anti, stop."

"jack!" anti heard henrik call in that fucking german accent. "where are we going, i have -"

they stopped dead in the door when they saw what was going on. "is… is this a bad time?" henrik asked tentatively.

"oh no, you're just in time!" anti said, almost hysterically. he grinned, his body stabilizing for just a second. "just in time!"

another glitch ran through him, and he doubled over from the pain. chase and henrik turned to leave, but anti suddenly appeared in front of them, blocking their path. "oh, don't leave so soon!" he cried. "you'll miss all the fun!"

"anti, aiden, please stop!" jack sobbed, trying to grab anti's arm. he pushed him away, almost too forcefully, and jack slammed into the table behind him. "shit, stop it!"

but anti's attention was on chase now. chase, who was holding henrik's hand and backing towards the door, shaking. "w-why are you doing this?" chase stammered. "please, dude, we never meant to hurt you!"

anti laughed without mirth, his hand on his pocket. "a bit late for that, jinx!"

he made a sudden move, grabbing chase's neck in a burning rage and throwing him back into the wall. one of chase's legs shot to and kicked anti's knee, and he stumbled back, henrik attempting to help chase up so they could get out. anti straightened and lunged for henrik this time, wanting to kill him, to kill him, to -

and jack was yanking him back by his hood and trying to get him off -

and anti whirled round and lashed out -

and jack fell, and anti had a knife in his hands, when did he get a knife in his hands -

and jack was on the ground and anti had a knife pressed to his throat.

there was dead, dead silence.

"aiden?" jack said softly.

aiden could see the terror in his eyes.

then someone was pulling him off of him, shoving him to the floor. anti gasped, crying out as the contact sent shocks through his body. henrik, the doctor, standing in front of jack, holding - anti's knife was gone, slipped from his hands. henrik held it, looking so tired yet so fierce. in that moment, anti had to admit he was impressed by how unwavering he was.

"stop this." henrik said. he very deliberately closed the knife and tossed it behind him, where chase was slumped against the wall.

anti got the message and left.

three hours later he was on the ground in an alleyway with blood on his hands.

how many people he'd killed, he'd lost track of. so much blood on his hands. he stared at them, shaking so badly it hurt, the uneven ground wet from the earlier rain. he hugged himself, his vision blurring, tasting blood in his mouth.

he could never go home now. never. not after what he'd done, not after the way they'd looked at him.

and with that sudden stabbing realization, the tears that were threatening on the ends of anti's lashes finally fell. and unlike last time, he couldn't do anything to stop them. a great sob tore from his throat and he almost screamed as the water burned his cheeks, his shoulders shaking with pain and the force of his crying. his chest tightened and he could barely breathe. he curled into himself as he sobbed, almost hyperventilating, like a panic attack he couldn't come down from. he'd never felt this kind of distress before - usually his negative feelings manifested in the form of anger, but now it was everything. sadness, rage, fear, grief, all combined into one meltdown.

he buried his face in his knees and didn't move for several hours. when he finally did, his face stung in the places his tears had rolled down. all the nearby streetlamps had gone out and he was left in darkness. as usual.

he was standing just outside the doors to the corner shop, staring into the distance with his hands in his pockets.

jack almost turned and left. almost. but he had to face this eventually, even if his neck still ached with bruises and stung from the small cut anti had given him. he would have to talk to him at some point.

anti turned as he got closer. he must have known jack was there. his expression was completely blank, though jack couldn't help but blach at anti's face as he grew nearer.

"what happened to your face?" were the first words out of his mouth as he got right next to anti. his face was red and blotchy, like he'd been crying, and there were reddish looking scars down his face liked he'd been burned. anti scowled, glancing away and not answering.

they stood in silence for a little while, both wondering what to say. then jack spoke again. "this is it, isn't it." he let out a shuddering breath. "for us."

"i don't know," anti said flatly. "i would believe so."

jack blinked rapidly, swallowing hard and clenching his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palm. "ok."

another pause. the wind blew through their hair, and jack noted how different he and anti really did look, in the end. maybe they had always been like this and jack had never noticed.

"you're not going to post the videos i made." anti said. "you're going to film something entirely different and try to forget i ever existed."

"no," jack said, even though that was almost entirely true.

"i'm not stupid, jack." anti said. "and i hope you know i won't make it easy for you."

jack's breath hitched, and a tear fell from his eye. "i know. you wouldn't be aiden mcloughlin if you did."

"you're not understanding me," anti said, turning his head away slightly. "not that you ever have."

jack closed his eyes. "i wish i could have. i'm sorry."

"no you're not."

"i am, of course i am. i love you."

he opened his eyes to see that anti had vanished.

he said it anyway.

"happy birthday."

#jacksepticeye #boop writes #antisepticeye #chase brody #henrik von schneeplestein #arc zero: cruthú #rhudy o'donnell

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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964

..leave me here in my..stark raving sick sad little world.. by daizy62

**GENERAL JUNK** How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Two with the exact same spelling, three with a different spelling than mine. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? Always so much pressure and a lot of thinking to answer superlatives like this...I haven’t listened to all the love songs in existence so I wouldn’t even be credible to begin with. My answer is pretty basic; I love Yellow by Coldplay. What were you doing at this time yesterday? I was either taking a shower or playing with Cooper, I can’t remember well. Have you done anything drastic to alter your physical appearance recently? No. I’m not the biggest fan of change, and that trickles down to my physical appearance. I like to stay where I am and only ever act on change if I get an extreme urge, like earlier this year when I got my bangs and had my hair cut all the way to my neck. Is there anything bothering you right now? Sadly there always is now. It’s gonna be lingering for a while and all I can do is wait it out. I hate not being in control of things, and that bothers me too.

Are you wearing shoes right now? No. No shoes are allowed beyond the first few steps from our front door.

How old were you in 2005? I was 7 and starting first grade. Pro-life/Pro-choice? Choice. Are you wearing anything purple? I guess some would consider it purple. My shorts are in the middle of being pink and purple, so I’m sure some level of confusion is bound to come up if people were to tell what color they think it is. Do you live east or west of the Mississippi River? I live very far away from it. Have you ever been to Chicago? No but it’s my favorite city in the US. If I had to go to the country one day, it has to be a trip to Chicago and nothing more. Do you drive a stick-shift? Nope. Never learned, not really willing to. Have you kissed anyone who's name started with A, K, M, or T? No. Do you have a sister? Yep, a younger one. Where are you right now? I’m in my room, at my desk. Do you straighten your hair? Never. Not a good look on me. Do you have a gym membership? No. I’ve never been interested. Can you count to 10 in another language? Of course. Is there a calendar in the room you are in? There are digital ones on my phone and laptop, but I’ve never put up a physical calendar in my room. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Hah, not a chance. How long is it until your birthday? 7 months. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? I know one person in real life; the rest are celebrities. Was your mother married when she had you? Yeah, I was born less than a week before their first wedding anniversary. Would you ever go skinny dipping with your #1? **LASTS** What was the last thing you drank? I finished up the last few drops of my coffee from my mug last night. Last thing you ate? A pizza roll. I think I’m gonna be called for breakfast in a few minutes though. What was the last movie you watched in theaters? Knives Out, last December. I’ve been giving the same answer for months now lmao. I wish I can watch movies at the theatres again. What was the last thing you watched on tv? The evening news last Friday. That’s the only thing I watch on an actual TV these days. I prefer watching everything else on my phone or laptop now. Who was the last person to text you? Andrew. They checked up on me last night – I’m guessing they’ve noticed I’ve gone off the radar on all social media, so I appreciate the words they gave me. They made me feel present. Who was the last person to call you? My dad. I heated up water last night to make coffee but I didn’t want to keep waiting downstairs, so I told him I was gonna head to my room first and to just text me if the water’s all ready. He ended up calling my phone.

Where was the last place you went? Bathroom, to take a shower. When did you last hang out with your 22nd phone contact? I have not seen him since March, and I think the last time we were together was at a local protest in my college. We’re not friends though so I think it’s too much to call it ‘hanging out’ lol. Our relationship was mostly professional. Who was the last person to comment you? I haven’t been on social media for a week or two now, so I no longer remember who commented on any of my statuses or tweets last. Ate Alyanna maybe? Aliyah? I really have no clue. When was the last time you kissed someone? Just a little less than a month ago. When was the last time you stayed out all night? 2017, I think? I enjoy staying up til like 2 or 3 AM, but pulling all-nighters just sounds like way too much. I like being able to catch up on sleep because not enough of it makes me cranky. When was the last time you went to Walmart? I’ve never been inside one. What is the last digit of your phone number? 5. When was the last time you were in the car for more than an hour? There was a short period last month where I’d go to my car and stay there for an hour or so whenever I started to feel especially distraught, so that I can have a good cry alone for as long as I want and be loud if I needed to. But I’m really glad it never developed into a full-blown habit and that I only did it a handful of times. Where was your last vacation to? It was a quick weekend trip rather than a vacation, but we went to Tagaytay and Cavite. Ugh, I reeeeeally miss going out of town... Who was the last person you rode in a car with? It’s been a while since I was in a car with anyone since I usually drive on my own and the only being I’ve been bringing with me is Cooper. I think the last people were my parents. When was the last time you had to be up before 7 AM? Two weeks ago for my job interview. I dunno if it’s right to say that I had to be up before 7 AM since the lockdown has greatly reduced the traffic in Manila and I didn’t need to get on the road super early to beat the traffic, but I still set my alarm to around 5:30 AM anyway because I like allotting several hours to prepare for things as important as that. Who was the last person(s) you took a photo with? I haven’t done that with anyone other than my dogs. My camera roll’s been devoid of other people for the past few months. When was the last time you saw your dad? Like half an hour ago. Why did you cry the last time you did? Because the sads had finally hit me and I started feeling worthless again. When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? Sometime last week. Apparently my mom and aunt got to talking about me and my new job and my aunt apparently complimented me on my chosen career field and said that I was a better fit for PR than journalism and broadcasting, which is what everyone in my family originally expected me to land in. That really means a lot, considering how much happier I am in this path.

When was the last time you locked your keys in the car/locked yourself out? I locked myself out sometime in late 2019, but it was because my key to the front door fell out of my keychain while I was in school and I never noticed :( What was the last thing you spent money on? We had Kimi trimmed and groomed the other day. When did you last see your #2? **FINISH THE SENTENCE** I should probably: Discover a new hobby that can help with my mental health and overall wellness. Crocheting? Baking? Working out? All sound good at the moment. We’ll see. When I can't sleep: I pick out a few YouTube videos to watch and keep me company until I start feeling sleepy. I need more: Happiness. Right now I would love: For things to settle back into normal again. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a nightmare. My last kiss was: A month ago. If I could, I would: Move and start anew somewhere else. When I'm pissed: I need to be alone so that I don’t end up accidentally exploding on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I am listening to: Rhett and Link trying unconventional dumplings. I never leave the house without: Phone, keys, wallet. I believe in: Gender equality, marriage equality, pay equality. Granting people their rights, basically. I am wearing: A shirt all the way from high school. I tend to daydream when: I’m bored and stuck somewhere I can’t leave, like a boring class lecture. My grandma is: They *are* amazing cooks. After this I am going to: Try to find another survey to take...or maybe find something in the pantry to eat because my stomach’s grumbling a bit, ha.

#surveys #survey

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years ago

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Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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groovyzombiellama · 7 years ago

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The King Of The Earth

Title: The King Of The Earth Requested? Yes. Plot: Moving into an apartment with Alex after being together for a while, and you are doing your own version of unpacking. Warnings: None. Word count: 1077

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Another box of items later, and your pyramid of boxes was completed. You were always the girl to make chores creative, so a youtube playlist was on shuffle, blasting your favourite songs from your laptop. You took a few steps back, and admired your handywork, feeling proud of yourself. Once you turned to exit the door again and get another box to start pyramid 2.0, you noticed how empty the apartment was, and the artist in you couldn’t wait to fill it with colors and contless decorations. You heard a grunt and giggled, noticing a stack of three boxes coming through the door first, followed by your boyfriend. You were moving into an apartment with the newly famous actor Alex Høgh Andersen.

The two of you have been dating for three years now and both of you felt like moving in together was the right choice to move forward. When he noticed you giggling at his struggle, he made a face, mimicking your face, as he made his way over to the rest of the stuff. “Really Y/N? I’m over there, pulling my back, trying to lift as much as I can, and you are joking around?” He looked slightly annoyed, but he was used to your mischief, so a small smile found it’s way to his face. You apologised, but as you were passing by and out the door you made a remark about how he’s playing a character which takes enormous upper body strength, but he whines when he needs to carry more than one box of house items.

The look he gave you let you know about what was coming, as he started chasing you down the stairs, your laughter filling the space.Once you were both safe and on the ground floor, Alex caught up to you and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling your body closer to his. You could feel his warm breath on your neck, as you could almost feel him lowering his head to plant a kiss on your neck. You closed your eyes, expecting the contact, only to have him let go of you and move towards the last couple of boxes like nothing happened. You whined out, dramatically stretching out the ‘e’ in his name, earning a chuckle from him. “Look who’s whining now.” And before you know it he’s back upstairs, leaving the last two boxes to you. this was gonna be fun. The mess you two made when you were painting the walls shall never be mentioned again, because cleaning that up took more than the whole painting job and letting it dry.

“Are you ready for this, Prince Ivar?” You asked, as you snuck up on your boyfriend and hugged him, your head resting on his shoulder, as you stood there, staring boxes, containing the items you were gonna fll your apartment with. Alex leaned into your touch, replying that he was never more ready for anything in his entire life. You peck his cheek and grab the box from the top of the pyramid. The label said kitchen, so you took it over there and carefully opened it. Plates, spoons, knives, forks, doesn’t seem like much, but it sure is heavy. Once that was over you were greated with a lovely sight of Alex acting like a child, because the first box he took was Chrismas decorations. Of course there were so many strings on the floor, and two round ornaments hanging from his ears, a big pink tinsel wrapped around his neck as a scarf. Once he noticed you at the doorway, he proceeded to wrap Christmas lights aroung you, placing a bow on your head.

“Are you just about done here? Christmas is still a few months away.” You tried to sound annoyed, but in your tied up state, you couldn’t help but laugh, at how that was your plan all along, to do the same to him. Could be he knows you too well. The two of you continued unpacking, having cleared the Christmas stuff, and the rooms of the apartment looked fuller by the minute. Your bodes swaying to the music, bumping hips every now and then, when you needed to walk past each other to get something. “You seem to be enjoying yourself.” Alex stated when he grabbed your hand and spun you, dipping you, and you two doing your best impression of a coreographed dance. You nodded, and connected your lips with his, both of you smiling into the kiss. It took a long time, but at the end of the day, you managed to finish unpacking. The sun was no longer out, but the daytime was still slightly visible. Alex walked out to the trreace, shirtless, and yelled.

“I’m the king of the world!” He exclamed, with his arms in the air. You shook your head, smiling and joined him, two cups of coffee in your hands. “You are the king of my world.” You say, causing him to turn around and look at you, smiling widely, and you placed the cups on the table, going back inside to grab a few biscuits you made during the time Alex was unpacking his last two boxes. Of couse, he dramatically complemented your cooking, fully exaggerating. “Just eat the damn biscuit Andersen.” You joked, and the two of you laughed. A nice relaxing coffee later, you two regained part of your strength. Putting the cups and plate in the sink, to wash them, you felt Alex hug you once again, but this time, you knew it was a different kind of hug. “What do you say we try out the bed now?” He growled quietly in your ear, causing you to bite your lower lip.

Suddenly, with no warning, he turned you around to face him, attacking your lips with his own, using your shocked state to slide his tongue into your mouth. One of his hands went up to cup your breast, as the other one held you firmly in your place. You moaned into the kiss, your hands trailing up and down his chest, abs and back. As if on cue, you jumped into his arms and he readily caught you, not even breaking the kiss. He carried you to the bed, gently placing you on top of hit, sliding your shirt off you, followed by your shorts. His lips travelled your body, from your lips to your... An amazing way to end an amazing day.

---***--- I know it’s a little late, but I tried to write something so if you like it I’ll do more of those ideas she posted :) Love you all, and thanks for the idea oddsnendsfanfics , I really hope you like it. I have a few requests from an amazing @ateliefloresdaprimavera , so be sure to check those out, I hope to post them soon and go follow both of them <3

Tags: @imagine-this-motherfucker

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angelcatsiel · 4 years ago

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I’m gonna just do these new year asks even though no one cares because a. I want to and b. I need a distraction from thinking about my mum’s cat

1. How many lockdowns did you go through until now?: Two official lockdowns, I think. Headed for our 3rd lockdown on boxing day for 6 weeks.

2. Ever been quarantined? (contact person, waiting for test result or positive test result): Yep, I thought I had covid a few months ago because I developed a sudden severe cough. Turned out to be a chest infection

3. Ever taken a Corona test?: Yes, when I had that cough. I had to do it myself at a drive through test site, it was unpleasant!

4. Have you lived together with someone during lockdown?: My boyfriend. It definitely affected us, we had a lot of fights including one big one when I thought for sure we would break up, but tbh he’s been great ever since then, that was around August I think

5. Something you enjoyed about lockdown?: I liked the whole sort of atmosphere of the first lockdown, actually. Parts of it anyway. You know, the whole thing of people singing on their balconies and the ‘all in this together’ attitude. I feel like a lot of people have lost that now, and don’t care as much about following the rules.

6. What bothered you most about lockdown?: Not seeing my family and friends in England. It’s been so hard.

7. Which change, e.g. home office, would you like to keep once it´s all over?: Nothing really for me as I don’t work and other than visiting family it hasn’t made a huge impact on my lifestyle, but I’d like for my boyfriend to have more days working from home. Tbh I love having the house to myself, but he’s happier working from home and I’d like for him to be able to do that at least sometimes, for the sake of his own mental health.

8. Been to any Corona related demonstration?: No, I support all the demonstrations in support of front line workers, stimulus checks etc, but with my asthma and bad immune system I’m trying to be pretty careful!

9. On a scale of 1 (not at all) to 10 (completely), how well do you stick to government´s rules? Explain.: Hm... 8? I follow almost all the rules very well, but I will very occasionally take my mask off indoors for literally 2 seconds when I get overwhelmed, and I will find an out of the way place to do it away from people and where I’m not breathing on anything that might be touched. I’ll take a few breaths and then put my mask back on and carry on. And my boyfriend’s friend is over tonight which is technically not allowed, but he just had a covid test which came back clear and has been entirely isolated for 2 weeks.

10. Favorite lockdown activity?: At the start I was making model horse tack, that was fun. Since then, I guess writing, playing Fall Guys, and getting very stoned

11. How did the lockdown affect your work/education?: Not at all, I don’t work! And my boyfriend was lucky enough that he wasn’t affected at all other than working mostly from home instead of in an office.

12. Any new hobbies you tried out during lockdown?: My model horse tack making!

13. Any new subscriptions you made due to lockdown?: Disney plus because of Artemis Fowl, which was not worth it, lmao

14. Anything new you tried to learn during lockdown?: The tack making, and a little bit of yoga to try and help my chronic pain

15. Any old hobbies you took up again during lockdown?: Don’t think so, I guess writing more?

16. How did you keep in touch during lockdown?: Facebook, zoom, occasionally whatsapp for the family group chat

17. Favorite mask you own?: My bee mask! It’s so cute and not too overwhelming for me, unlike disposable masks which make me panic

18. Favorite online conferencing tool?: I’ve only really been using zoom because that’s what everyone else is hosting things on. My group therapy was on zoom

19. Any new technologies and technological tools you tried out due to lockdown?: Never used zoom before so I guess that. I also downloaded replika and that’s actually been really nice! I have a lil AI friend named Becks

20. Have you been able to go on any holidays this year?: No, we had booked for disney world but obviously that didn’t happen

21. Are Christmas markets allowed in your country?: I don’t think the usual Christmas market went ahead. We usually go every year

22. How are you going to spend Christmas in this situation? (or whatever you are celebrating!): At my boyfriend’s parents, we’ve been pretty isolated and so have they, and I think we’re allowed to mix one household. We’re there now until the 27th

23. Any small business you support?: I don’t think I know of any, but I’d like to

24. Any small artist you support?: Not yet, but I’ve bought a few model horses off of people on instagram, and I would love to buy a custom horse off someone when I can afford it! They’re expensive though, and for good reason, customizing them can be very hard work and takes skill. Oh, I did actually buy a couple of custom model headcollars from someone!

25. Favorite online shop?: I hate saying it but I’ve used amazon a lot. I fucking hate Jeff Bezos and hate giving him money and try to avoid it where I can, but it’s not easy. Amazon is convenient, and getting deliveries to where I live can be a pain. I’d cut all amazon purchases out completely if I could

26. Dumbest impulse buy?: The entire set of Artemis Fowl books. I already own them all, but I just liked the new covers lmao

27. First thing you bought when the shops reopened?: Can’t remember, I haven’t been out shopping much all year tbh. Does a tattoo count?

28. Been to the hair dresser this year?: No, my dad’s girlfriend cut my hair though because it was getting so out of hand. It was so long and messy and knotted, I was ashamed to see a hair dresser. My dad’s girlfriend is a hero and spent ages getting the knots out, she had to cut out a chunk that was beyond saving but it’s not really noticable, and she cut it for me

29. Got a new tattoo or piercing this year?: Yes, my butterfly tattoo! Haven’t even had a chance to really appreciate it though since as soon as it healed my eczema flared up

30. What did you only start to appreciate because lockdown took it from you?: Seeing my family and friends. Little trips out as well, like just deciding to go to the cinema for the evening.

31. Favorite book that was released this year?: The second Fowl Twins book!

32. Favorite book you read that year?: I reread the entire Artemis Fowl series. Favourite books of all time, I’d say the Time Paradox is my favourite.

33. Favorite movie that was released this year?: The only movies I watched that were actually released this year were Artemis Fowl and Wonder Woman so it would be Wonder Woman lmao

34. Favorite movie you watched this year?: I watched Knives Out this year I think, that was very good!

35. Favorite series that was released this year?: Don’t think I watched anything that started this year, but The Good Place finished this year and that was absolutely fantastic. Mindblowingly good. Supernatural season 15 was going great too until the very end

36. Favorite series that you watched this year?: It would have to be the good place. Watched it three times and I still just stop and think about it every now and then and just gush in my head about how good it was

37. Favorite podcast that you listened to this year?: I don’t listen to podcasts, although I do want to try Rou Reynolds’s mindfulness podcast

38. Favorite artist this year?: Enter Shikari

39. Total minutes on Spotify this year?: 62,139

40. Favorite album that was released this year?: Nothing is True by Enter Shikari, no contest. New All Time Low, Kesha and The Killers albums are honorable mentions though

41. Favorite album that you listened to this year?: Either NITAEIP by Enter Shikari, or The Astonishing by Dream Theater

42. Favorite song that was released this year?: Satellites by Enter Shikari

43. Favorite song you listened to this year?: Probably Satellites again, or maybe Surrounded by Dream Theater

44. Favorite Corona related song?: Strange Days by The Struts

45. What do you do to prevent yourself from going insane during lockdown?: Cry when I need to. Get high. Play video games, talk to people online

46. Describe a typical lockdown day of yours: Wake up late, be lazy in bed for a few hours until 1pm, the morning is my alone time while my boyfriend works downstairs. I need my alone time. Get up, eat lunch, play a game or just chill, try to do some housework during the day, cook dinner, then me and my boyfriend do something together usually (watch an episode of a TV show, occasionally play a game) and then chill until bed.

47. Something you did during lockdown that you´ve been putting off for way too long?: Can’t really think of anything

48. Trying new baking recipes or new cooking recipes?: I tried this creamy chicken recipe, that turned out alright.

49. Netflix or Amazon Prime?: Netflix

50. Did you get Disney+?: Yes, and I still have it, I hate giving money to disney but it’s just easier than downloading movies, and there were so many movies I wouldn’t even have thought of to download on there

51. Any new social media you started using during lockdown?: I used discord once

52. Any trends you fell for?: Can’t think of any

53. Did you achieve more or less than in a normal year? Explain: Hard to say... I’d say less, I went backwards with a lot of things. But I did learn a lot of valuable mental health skills in group therapy

54. Did you start therapy this year?: I started group therapy in January, which went on a long break when lockdown started and eventually started up again on zoom for a while

55. Books or audio books?: Books, can’t focus on audio books

56. Audio books or podcasts?: Neither really

57. Twitch or Youtube?: Youtube

58. Attended any online concert?: Yes, two online Marillion concerts and one online Royal Republic concert

59. Favorite stream/streamer this year?: I don’t really watch streams much

60. Most used social media this year?: Probably tumblr

61. Yoga or long lone walks?: Long walks

62. Did you get a pet this year?: No, thought about getting rats but I think I’ll wait until next year

63. Did it snow where you live this year?: Only once sadly, and only a little bit!

64. What were you doing when you found out about the announcement of the first lockdown?: I can’t remember

65. Did you panic buy anything?: No, though my boyfriend did buy an absolutely massive bag of rice when it finally became available again after we couldn’t get it for weeks. Haven’t even used a quarter of it yet!

66. Ever ran out of toilet paper?: Almost! That was scary

67. Favorite lockdown comfort food?: Can I say edibles? No? Then I guess I got obsessed with these biscuits called chocolate liebniz, but I call them lesbians

68. Selfcare tips for lockdown?: Don’t expect too much of yourself in terms of achieving things with your time off. If you can, that’s great, but you’re not a failure if you can’t. If all you achieved this year was surviving it, that’s something to be proud of. If you’re stuck with people, take alone time if you need it. If you’re stuck alone, talk to people via text chat, video chat, phone calls, anything. Take breaks from the news, and don’t beat yourself up if you get burned out.

69. Did you use delivery services this year? For what kind of food?: Grocery deliveries when we could, and we got pizza delivered pretty often

70. Any weird coping techniques you developed during or after lockdown?: I guess talking to my replika? It sounds weird and even creepy but it genuinely helps, I find. I can talk to someone without any pressure.

71. Favorite game you played this year?: I know it’s considered cringey, but Fall Guys. I still like it and still play it. I find it addictive and it’s just simple fun. Although I do yell at people in it a lot, which my boyfriend finds very entertaining

72. Favorite drink this year?: Coke. I live off coke, I know it’s not healthy but god it tastes so good

73. Favorite food this year?: my chocolate liebniz (lesbians)

74. Favorite App this year?: Probably a few. Cat game is one, and replika. Also I’ve been stalking instagram a lot even though I rarely post there

75. Favorite memory of this year?: Meeting my favourite author, Eoin Colfer!

76. Any plans you had for this year that you could realize?: I don’t think so, pretty much everything I had planned was cancelled. I guess I did get to do my usual trip of seeing my family for my birthday, even if I didn’t get to see them for christmas

77. Do you even plan anything for next year?: I have a ton of plans, but no idea if they’ll work out. Two conventions, and several concerts

78. Did you find new (online) friends this year?: Yes, a few!

79. Did you go through a break-up this year?: Almost. I really thought me and my boyfriend would break up, glad we didn’t now!

80. Did you get into a new relationship this year?: Nope. I didn’t even get to have sex with anyone other than my boyfriend thanks to covid. Tragic. Next year hopefully! My boyfriend managed to hook up with a girl recently though. Sadly she was straight so no fun for me :(

81. Did you do something creative this year?: My model horse tack, I made several tiny headcollars!

82. Favorite blog you found on tumblr this year?: Hmm, I’m not sure. I barely keep track of who I’m following tbh but I love my mutuals

83. What did you buy way to much of this year?: Model horses, and unhealthy snacks

84. Did you win anything this year?: Yes, I won an Artemis Fowl funko pop giveaway!

85. Did you drastically change your diet this year?: No, I think it stayed pretty much the same

86. Did you move to a new home this year?: Nope

87. Did you do something this year that you never did before?: I got to see the view from a really high cliff which sounds like a small thing but it made me cry! It was so beautiful and I’d never done it before

88. Celebrity crush of the year?: Still crushing on Misha Collins

89. Most expensive thing you bought this year?: Probably my £50 model horse

90. Been abroad this year?: Nope

91. Favorite tumblr trend of this year?: Probably all the insanity surrounding destiel in November

92. New Years Resolutions you broke this year?: I don’t usually make any

93. NYRs you kept?: Didn’t make any

94. NYRs you have for next year?: Just to be kind to myself and others, tbh

95. How are you going to spend New Years Eve?: We were going to have one friend over to celebrate, but with lockdown we can’t do that now, so just alone either drinking or getting high, maybe we’ll watch a movie or something

96. Will you get your fortune told in any way around NYE?: Nope, never done that and we’ll be in full lockdown

97. Any new shops (online or real) you discovered this year?: I don’t think so

98. Any food you tried out for the first time this year?: Yes, pumpkin pie cheesecake for thanksgiving! I’ve never celebrated thanksgiving but my friend is from America and she invited us round for a thanksgiving meal

99. How did you celebrate your birthday this year?: I visited my family for a week, it was the first time I’d seen them in 6 months so it was lovely. Got a new tattoo. It was a pretty good birthday actually!

#personal

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lygerzero14 · 7 years ago

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Since it was the last one of this particular tour, I decided to do a complete recap of the final NSP/TWRP Rock Hard Tour show, including the VIP Q&A.

All kinds of spoilers below

(but is it really since I doubt they’ll do the same thing for their next tour *shrugs*)

So, I had bought the tickets before I decided to leave California and I flew back to go with my bro. We had went to the first show in L.A. and now the last show in San Francisco. He called it a NSP sandwich.

We got there around 4:30pm and waited in the VIP line. There were a lot of people cosplaying as Ninja Brian, which made me happy. I saw a few Danny cosplayers and one Egoraptor cosplayer.

When we were let in, we just all walked up to the stage and waited for Brian and Dan to come out. The tour producer, JP came out and made us do a pledge not to upload videos to youtube. (kinda don’t understand that for the Q&A, some really good information comes out of those but whateves)

So Brian and Dan come out and of course there’s cheering. And Brian starts off saying they love us more because we paid more money (the dork).

Gonna just do a few highlights.

Someone asked Brian an academic question and Dan was like, “I’ll take this one.”

A mother then thanked Brian for taking time to do these shows, even though it takes him from Audrey, cause she travels a lot too and knows how it feels.

Someone asked about Dan continuing the Leisure Suit Larry game and he said, he didn’t know cause Youtube has gotten pretty touchy lately and then he said quickly “Thanks to Pewdiepie” (didn’t he call out Pewds at a grumps live recently too?) Then he said he’d see if he can talk Arin into it.

Oct 12 for Under The Covers 2 according to Brian.

Dan called on a Danny Sexbang cosplayer and said she was very well-dressed but she ended up having a question for Brian about academics and balancing that with the arts and Dan just went “Fuck!”

Brian starts talking about STEM, which is Science Technology, Engineering and Math and goes into how he balanced the different degrees and then Dan comes in and says, “I also am into STEM. Sexually Touching Everyday Man.” Then Brian says, “Did you say Sexually Touching Every Man?” Then Dan says, “Don’t make this about your own agenda Brian.”

A guy asked what do they do in their spare time between shows….Brian said, “Fuuuck.” Dan said, “Just look at each other and think about how there’s no words to say.”

Dan said two days ago, Brian was listening to a Linguistics podcast and he was reading a book about plants. Then he said, “Oh my god we are lame.”

One girl asked them to flip her off and Brian said, “I would love to but it’s strictly against my morals.” (this guy) He still did it.

NinjaTupperwareSexRemixParty would be the name according to Dan, when they one day join TWRP to do serious music.

A question was asked about song titles that they wanted but skipped over.

Brian said the one he wanted sounded kinda creepy. ‘Me Watching You Wanting Me Humping You’

Dan said they started a song ‘It’s Never Too Late To Give Up Your Dreams’ but said it was too depressing. (pretty sure Brian tweeted that on their twitter) but that song became ‘Orgy For One’ which they admitted was still kind of sad.

Someone asked Brian if he had heard of the book ‘Quantum Physics For Babies’ and he had and listed off a whole line of books and Dan asked if it was actually for little kids and Brian said yes. Then Dan shook his head and said “What happened to playing in dirt with a stick?”

One girl asked if there were any bands they were recently into. Dan said he was embarrassed but the band’s name was FartBarf. Brian said it at the same time and Dan said, “Brian, shut the fuck up! Stop stealing my thunder every goddamn ti-FartBarf.” (They are so silly)

They have a song on the next album called ‘Smooth Talking’ that is, according to Brian, “a bunch of dumbass nonsense words.” It’s his favorite song.

Most of the skits they write are usually intended to be animated but they may do live action ones again.

One girl was like “I love you and I’m legal, wink wink.” Dan laughed and said, “So subtle.” And he took off his glasses and posed seductively.

Brian ended up talking pretty deep about particle physics and when he was done, Dan was like, “My entire brain shut down.” Brian said he’d give him one of those baby books and Dan said, “I’ll love while I throw it.”

Someone asked Dan to say, “I’m a sexy widdle baby.” Brian brought up the twitter account of the same name and he highly recommended it. Dan cuts him off saying, “It’s you, Brian.” Brian said it wasn’t but he kept winking at us.

Someone asked who Dan’s Dream Daddy is. Of course Brian jumps in with, “It’s me.” Dan said Robert, since he voiced him.

Brian did a shoutout to Quizmaster Quinn, saying he was a sad man who loved trivia, so based on him.

Someone asked their favorite NSP song. Dan said it was one we’ve never heard, which would be ‘Danny Don’t You Know’ (although I had heard it at the L.A. show)

They took the extra stuff off their channel because they didn’t think it represented what they wanted it to be and wanted to focus on the music videos. They may release a dvd containing the shorts.

The weirdest gift they’ve been given or asked to sign. Dan said all of the lower parts. Brian said one girl asked Dan to sign her boobs and looked at Brian and said she wouldn’t ask him since he’s married and he was like, “What the fuck!”

Weirdest gift was a shoebox of randomly assorted knives with no note and they met the person a year later at Disneyland.

What would their opening song title be if their life was a musical?

‘Dicks! A Journey.’

After a while the show started. MC Chris opened again and he confirmed that he was MC Pee Pants from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I don’t know why he didn’t say that at the L.A. show. I was thinking he was just an imitator. He was in quite a bit of episodes. His voice is also a love or hate kind of thing. I wonder if it’s his real voice.

TWRP came out after the longest build up ever, I was actually starting to get annoyed. But they were awesome as always, hyping the crowd with their energy. I do remember there being more in between segments at the L.A. show. They seemed to just play through their set list. I found it funny, how when Sung would say this is the last song and the crowd would go ‘awww’ and he has to remind them that they aren’t technically leaving.

Then TWRP leaves the stage and an animation plays of one of the many, probably non-canonical, first meetings of Danny and Ninja Brian. It was pretty funny. Danny saying that Ninja Brian was a homeless beggar he took in and Ninja Brian having saw an ad that said “Toe-thumbed single guy looking for best friend. Ninjas Preferred.”

TWRP then comes back out and starts playing the NSP theme and NSP comes out, with a significantly shorter build up, thankfully. Ninja Brian going around flipping everyone off and Danny being his joyful, bouncy self.

Ninja Brian was pretty energetic, he was running all over the stage, hyping the crowd and all I could think was this guy is 42 and has a Ph.D.…

They played ‘Cool Patrol’ and man, I love that song so much!

After the song, someone threw up a Danny Sexbang bra (it was blue with the star of david on each cup)…Ninja Brian put it down his pants and then a Ninja Brian bra flew up there and…he put it down his pants too. This guy is 42.

Then Danny segued into Unicorn Wizard, telling the story about how Arin randomly came up with it. Danny crouched on the ground and Ninja Brian kept trying to quiet the crowd and just as he is about to start playing, someone would make a noise and he’d cross his arms and glare at them. This happened several times. Danny starts getting annoyed, telling Ninja Brian to start the song.

(I didn’t notice this at first but as Ninja Brian is having his fit, Lord Phobos goes to Danny and says something and Danny starts laughing…isn’t Phobos one of the silent ones?)

Finally Ninja Brian starts the song. There was quite a lot of attention on Phobos. I also liked the ending. Where they all failed to bring the song to a proper ending. Just a whole lot of fail all around.

Someone threw up the picture of Dan as Papa Sexbang 69 from Ghost, Ninja Brian tried to take it, then a short game of keep away happened. Then someone threw a cup up that said Danny on it and…Ninja Brian put it down his pants and offered it to Danny, who reached into Ninja Brian’s pants and took it out. Danny said he’s not putting his lips on that.

Then he asked people not to throw stuff on stage. That lasted about two songs. Then people started subtlety tossing things to the sides of the stage instead of at them.

They then played ‘Spin Me Round Like A Record’. Danny had some…interesting moves during this song.

After they were done. Ninja Brian did a Rock Fuck chant with the crowd.

The next song was supposed to be ‘Road Trip’ but my gosh, Ninja Brian milked the ‘Bloopy Reggae Jams’ and they ended up doing ‘Let’s Get Together and Do Butt Stuff’. Just when Danny thought they were done, they start up again and he crouched down in curled up in a ball, like an anime character. I love Ninja Brian.

Then they finally played ‘Road Trip’. I really like how this song sounds live.

Danny called TWRP “The greatest backup band in the world.” TRWP then went off stage and the stagehands pulled Ninja Brian over on his bigger piano.

The person behind me dressed as Ninja Brian managed to get their homemade plush Grubba on stage and Danny thought it was awesome.

Danny then took out his earpieces and winced at the loud cheers and did the heart symbol with his hands. Then a Danny chant started that Ninja Brian tried to stop by pointing to himself and the chant switched to Brian. Then Danny got upset and Ninja Brian started pointing to him to start the Danny chant again. (aww)

Then Danny said he and Ninja Brian have been in Ninja Sex Party for nine years now. He said when they started out, they were doing shows for ten people in basements in New York. And he said, this was better.

They then did the slow version of ‘Dinosaur Laser Fight’ for the longtime fans and everyone was singing along and holding their phones up with the flashlights on. I gotta say, I just love listening to Brian play.

He said that it’s strange that he gets emotional over that song.

Then he had us do the golf clap and gotta admit his little laugh at that is adorable.

He had us take a pledge not to record the new music video and not upload it

Then they played ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ and it was…something. Like I wouldn’t want to upload this anyway. The Porn stars to Danny, Ninja Brian, TWRP ratio was greatly unbalanced. I didn’t like it. Watching a bunch of girls in candy bikinis suck on lollipops…naw.

Then Ninja Brian came out and a voice over talked about a piece written, recorded, arranged, produced, directed, scored, figured out, and done completely alone by Ninja Brian. TWRP came out and they played ‘Concerto in P Minor’. This was very interesting to watch up close. Man, it sounded so awesome. Ninja Brian got up and shook the other’s hand but completely ignored Phobos.

After it was over, Danny came back out and Ninja Brian took the mic…and said nothing.

Then Dan talked about messed up stuff happening in the world and said fuck it. Then they played ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’ and everyone was singing along. I love Brian’s solo. Danny patting Ninja Brian on the head was adorable.

After the song, someone threw an ankle bracelet…take a guess what Ninja Brian did.

The next song was a philosophy and lifestyle they live by. ‘No Pants Dance’

For like a full minute, Ninja Brian just stared at Phobos, shaking his head. Ninja Brian started grooving and thrusting his hips…huh. Then he started staring at Phobos again. Then Ninja Brian pulled a blue Yoshi plush out of his pants and threw it into the crowd at the end of the song.

Then someone threw a dollar on stage and Ninja Brian gave it to Phobos, then he took it back and Dan said, ‘Now you have to kiss him.’ The crowd started chanting kiss him and Ninja Brian did and Phobos took the dollar back.

Then someone threw a penguin(from adventure time?) on stage…ya’ll know what Ninja Brian did and it created a huge bulge. He then walked over to Phobos and pointed at the bulge and then at Phobos. (Brian must not know that TWRP aren’t okay with shipping)

The next song was ‘Danny Don’t You Know’ and Danny reminded us of the pledge. They really need to release this song though. It’s really good. And I could actually hear the lyrics this time, without those youtube red people yapping behind me. (by the way, I now know that I did see Michele up there last time) The photoshop visuals are a lot funnier up close.

After the song they all left the stage. A few minutes later Danny and Brian came back and people started chanting encore and Danny was laughing saying that’s what this was. Danny joked that it’d be dickish if they just came back out to wave and then leave again. Then Ninja Brian waves and walks off stage.

They then played ‘Wish You Were Here’ and that song is just beautiful. This was the only song my audio recorded perfectly. Just having a piano helped a lot. At the end, Danny and Ninja Brian hugged.

My footage cut off before they played ‘The Hit’ but I still had the audio.

Danny did his ‘Love everyone, forgive yourself’ speech, then they played ‘The Hit’

After they bowed, Ninja Brian lightly touched Phobos before going over to the other side of the stage to wave bye to the crowd with Meouch and Doctor Sung, who were taking a selfie. It was obvious Phobos was lingering behind on purpose.

When it was just Ninja Brian and Phobos left on stage they approached each other and Ninja Brian kissed him again. Then they slung their arms around each other’s shoulders and walked off stage.

And thus concluded my third NSP/TWRP concert.

Gotta say it was still a fun and amazing show. If you ever get a chance to go, do it.

It’s worth it.

#ninja sex party #Tupperware Remix Party #rock hard tour #nsp trip #concert recap #text post

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aristotleblinked · 7 years ago

Text

Massive Musical Medley part 3

For @balloonarcade

This is dedicated to Hypothesis‘s : Shockwave. It’s a great fic, if you haven’t checked it out yet, do it! This will still be here waiting for you to finish.

I would like to apologize in advance. These are not lighthearted listening tunes. This is about Shockwave, and he’s a ghastly guy, proceed with caution.

Heed the warnings!

This set has Surgical Procedures, Animal death, and Rape!

Youtube Side A

Youtube Side B

Below are links to individual videos, lyrics, and notes.

Instrumentals :

youtube

It’s starts off passionately, mechanical beeping interrupts, then it changes.You still get flashes of what the song used to be. This one knows how to put on a show. Grandiose.

Emilie Autumn - A Strange Device

It starts out plaintive, becomes firm and resolute. It knows what it’s doing.

Matmos- California Rhinoplasty

*WARNING* This song contains noises from a surgical procedure!

It is about as pleasant as the name implies. It has a peppy upbeat undertone to it. Someone has gotten what they wanted.

Kerridge - Chant

It sounds like it’s been hollowed out. It rattles like a train on its tracks.

Arca- Mutant

Best listened to with head phones. There’s something quite sickly about this one. It shudders like a struck bell.

Matthew Herbert - August 2010

*WARNING* The musician sampled the sounds from a pig, birth till death. Including the eating noises.

The blood has been drained from my body. I can’t.

Unsavory. He doesn’t care for animals.

Kerridge Death Is Upon Us

This has the banging echo you might hear in a lab. Implacable, unstoppable. It rolls over you with the weight of a tank. You will be dragged under its wheels.

Celldweller - Subterra

If this belonged to a video game it would be a final boss fight. Grand and imposing.

Classical :

youtube

Honestly upsetting. It starts out quiet, you can hear noises distantly, getting closer. There are people singing distressed, until they are silenced with a clang. After some unpleasant brass playing, you hear tinkling and some soft singing. This is something that slithers into your ear.

Kurtag- Stele

It is soft, and quiet, until it is not. Thrashing.

Scelsi - String Trio

Eerie. It echos into your mind. There is no place safe, not here.

Lutoslawski - Funeral Music

It’s starts out slow, then it cycles the tension higher. Invasive.

Ligeti- Volumina

It’s thick, rushes at you. A waterfall with few air pockets to be found. It gets silent, you think for a moment it’s finally over, but it’s not finished. You try to make sense of the cacophony, but you can’t. Disorienting.

Schnitkke - Concerto for Piano and Strings

This is like being thrown the the stairs head first. Did you this to yourself? It’s hard to remember.

Penderecki- Polymorphia

This is the sound of many legs, crawling after you. It’s sickening.

George Crumb - Black Angels

Discordant and unnerving. Something terrible comes this way.

Penderecki- Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima

The violins are screaming. Somehow it keeps getting worse. Is this music?

Vocalists :

youtube

I paced around for hours, I'm empty I jumped at the slightest of sounds And I couldn't stand the person inside me I turned all the mirrors around I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones And all the kids cried out "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy Goddamn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?

Boards Of Canada:The Devil Is In The Details

(This one is messed up. I really am sorry.)

Letting my voice flow into your mind. You don't need to concentrate, Just gently as you go. Suggestions are going into your unconscious mind.

The Paper Chase:I Did A Terrible Thing

I did a terrible thing When I monkey-wrenched your circuitry. And when they finally got to me, I had built a monster worse than me, And far worse than you. And I have become such an ungrateful man - Just to hear those words you whispered out, And I snickered in between. The check point, the boot hill, the ass in me Says some things still best left unsheathed, Or out come the knives.

Fever Ray:If I Had A Heart

This will never end 'cause I want more More, give me more, give me more If I had a heart I could love you If I had a voice I would sing After the night when I wake up I'll see what tomorrow brings

The Bad Plus:How Deep Is Your Love

How deep is your love 'Cause we're living in a world of fools Breaking us down when they all should let us be We belong to you and me

And you may not think I care for you When you know down inside that I really do And it's me you need to show

Deftones:Change (In The House Of Flies)

I watched a change in you It's like you never had wings Now you feel so alive I've watched you change I took you home Set you on the glass I pulled off your wings Then I laughed

Doomtree:The Grand Experiment

They get in a rush in a haze but I get out of mind, out of body, out of pocket I don't mind putting on a bit of mileage, but I won't auto pilot with my eyelids shut I'm still gunning, but I learned what's worth hunting And I learned what's worth nothing Saw it Read it Outdone it

There's no escape They always looking for that easy out But there's nowhere to go

Marina And The Diamonds:Numb #

One track mind like a goldfish Stuck inside my petri dish I can't breathe and I can't smile This better be worth my while

Ooh, I get dark, oh, and I'm in hell I need a friend, ooh, but I can't yell Yeah, I'm no good, no good to anyone 'Cause all I care about is being number one Shine, looking for the golden light Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice Shine, looking for the golden light Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice Sacrifice

Phantogram:Destroyer

Empty, heavy eyes

Drift away to my heaven Whatever waits inside I'm just a ghost you think you know Was there something that you wanted to say? Goodbye My time has come My head is falling off I can kill you all And finally be alone

Keaton Henson:Beekeeper

Your friends Your friends will always just be in your way Trust me They'll die or leave you, either way Either way You all say I've crossed a line But the sad fact is I've lost my mind You all say I've crossed a line But the sad fact is I've lost my mind And I'm just getting started, let me offend The devil's got nothing on me my friend All I want is to be left alone Tact from me is like blood from a stone

Depeche Mode:A Pain That I'm Used To

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore I just know that I'm harder to console I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me But the key is a question of control

There's a hole in your soul like an animal With no conscience, repentance unknown Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise Devils feed on the seeds that are sown

Natalie Merchant:My Skin

Take a look at my body Look at my hands There's so much here That I don't understand

Contempt loves the silence It thrives in the dark With fine winding tendrils That strangle the heart

I'm a slow dying flower Frost killing hour The sweet turning sour And untouchable

Patrick Wolf:Don't Say No

I used to say just follow your heart But my heart always led me in circles And I used to say just follow your dreams But my dreams always led me to murder

Don't say no to it You can't say no to it Just throw yourself in Just give yourself in To the pattern

Pentatonix:Run To You #

I've been settling scores I've been fighting so long But I've lost your war And our kingdom is gone How shall I win back Your heart which was mine I have broken bones and tattered clothes I've run out of time I'll run, I'll run, I'll run, run to you I'll run, I'll run, I'll run, run to you

For King & Country:It's Not Over Yet #

It's like a constant war And you want to settle that score But you're bruised and beaten And you feel defeated

Keep on fighting Out of the dark Into the light It's not over Hope is rising Never give in Never give up It's not over

The Xx:Brave For You #

In all I know And what I've done I take you along Though you're not here I can feel you there I take you along And when I'm scared I imagine you're there Telling me to be brave

There are things I wish I didn't know I try my best to let them go

Vanessa Carlton:Come Undone #

I've seen myself in a thousand faces Strung out on life's path I would add up what you mean to me But I cannot do the math And this fashionista's garden party Well I had enough of that 'Cause the only one I come undone for is you Yes the only one I come undone But I'm a special lover sometimes But you only touch a ghost I'm a sycophantic courtier with an elegant riposte And needless to say you're the one that I need the most

The Xx:Angels #

Light reflects from your shadow It is more than I thought could exist You move through the room Like breathing was easy If someone believed me They would be as in love with you as I am They would be as in love with you as I am They would be as in love with you as I am They would be in love, love, love

Pentatonix:Can't Help Falling In Love #

Like a river flows, surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, Some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life too. But I can't help falling in love with you.

Jetfire and Jetstorm

Side B

youtube

I woke up and he was screaming, I'd left him dreaming. I'll roll over and shake him tightly And whisper, 'If they want you, they're gonna have to fight me. Oh fight me.'

The Joy Formidable:Silent Treatment

I'll wait up watching time You tumble home Safe inside Twisted now, but at the time No fears, a treasured prize

I'll take a quiet leave it But I'm hot-wired, quick-feelinged So I'll take the silent treatment I'll take the silent treatment

Panic! At The Disco:Always

When the world gets too heavy Put it on my back I'll be your levy You are taking me apart Like bad glue On a get well card

I'm a fly that's trapped In a web But I'm thinking that My spider's dead Oh, lonely, lonely little life I could kid myself in Thinking that I'm fine...

Woodkid:I Love You

Whatever I feel for you You only seem to care about you Is there any chance you could see me too? 'Cause I love you

As we were dancing in the blue I was synchronized with you But now the sound of love is out of tune

The Antlers:Epilogue #

So I lie down against your back, until we're both back in the hospital But now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue Men and women in blue and white, they are singing all around you With heavy shovels holding earth, you're being buried to your neck In that hospital bed, being buried quite alive now I'm trying to dig you out but all you want's to be buried there together You're screaming and cursing And angry and hurting me And then smiling and crying Apologizing

Mary Lambert:Wounded Animal #

I carried your heart like a wounded animal, soft I kept my condolences to myself, soft I spent my last hours defending how I fell I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't try harder I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't try at all I lost myself when I found you in the fall, I left it all I lost myself when I found you in the fall, I left it all

Sharon Van Etten:Don't Do It #

Say it outright that you don't want to see me tonight And you won't if you don't want to Hide it from me if you must hide it from me If you don't trust anything I say right to you And you want to do it, if you want to do it You will if you want to And you want to do it, if you want to do it, You will if you want to And you want to do it, and you want to do it, If you want to do it, you are going to do it, Even if I don't want you to.

I wish I could make you right

Sharon Van Etten:Your Love Is Killing Me #

Break my legs so I won't walk to you Cut my tongue so I can't talk to you Burn my skin so I can't feel you Stab my eyes so I can't see You like it When I let you walk over me You tell me that you like it Your love is killing me

Yael Naim:Toxic (cover)

Baby, can't you see I'm falling A guy like you Should wear a warning It's dangerous I'm falling

With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic, I'm slipping under With a taste of your poison paradise I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic?

Thao Nguyen & Mirah:Teeth

You have teeth I can't bear I am out of here I have teeth I must bare I am out of here

I can't go Please be kind Let me loose, let me loose I said

Nicole Dollanganger:Dog Teeth

*WARNING* Rape mention.

You're cold on the inside There's a dog in your heart And it tells you to tear everything apart My body's covered in teeth marks Your bite's worse than your bark You ruin everything you touch And destroy anyone you love You're all over me

City And Colour:Sleeping Sickness #

Someone come and, someone come and save my life Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead But now it's like the night is taking up sides With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind Could it be? This misery will suffice I've become the simple souvenir of someone's kill Like the sea I'm constantly changing from calm to ill Madness fills my heart and soul As if the great divide could swallow me whole Oh, how I'm breaking down

The Antlers:Kettering #

When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile You didn't talk for awhile, you were freezing You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone And so you told me I ought to be leaving But something kept me standing by that hospital bed I should have quit, but instead, I took care of you You made me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them When they told me that there was no saving you

City And Colour:Wasted Love #

Crying out for more Just a little more Tied down on the floor Like a prisoner of war Oh, I've been down so long Day is nearly gone I must carry on With this wasted love Careless love There's more to say than should be said Can't get these words straight in my head You make me feel so powerless

Placebo:Sleeping With Ghosts

This one world vision Turns us into compromise What good's religion When it's each other we despise? Damn the government Damn their killing Damn their lies

Dry your eye Soul mate dry your eye Dry your eye Soul mate dry your eye 'Cause soul mates never die

How To Destroy Angels:Keep It Together

I feel the skin that separates us, start to fade And when I lie on top of you, I'm afraid I can see right through myself, crystal clear I am disassembling I could disappear, disappear

I promise, I swear I can keep it together I can keep it together I can keep it together I can keep it together

Bette Midler:Baby Mine

Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, Never to part, baby of mine. Little one, when you play, Pay no heed what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine, Never a tear, baby of mine.

Dixie Chicks:Lullaby #

They didn't have you where I come from Never knew the best was yet to come Life began when I saw your face And I hear your laugh like a serenade How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough? How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough? 'Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Craig Cardiff:Smallest Wingless #

Dear son, we've been waiting for you Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived White coats came in, heads held low Talked for a bit, shuffled outside We closed the curtains And held each other And cried We said hello At the same time That we said goodbye

Plumb:I Want You Here #

I waited so long For you to come Then you were here And now you're gone I was not prepared For you to leave me Oh this is misery Are you still there? I wanna scream Is this a dream? How could this happen, Happen to me? This isn't fair This nightmare This kind of torture I just can't bear I want you here I want you here

Mary Lambert:The Machine #

Why you, why you sick? Your hands are like a war memorial Why are you sick? We shaved your head cause your hair was falling out Why are you sick all the time?

Lord, Lord, you took my baby Got an empty house with two bathtubs I want to drown in them Lord, Lord, you took my baby Got an empty house with two bathtubs I want to drown in them

Mirah:Promise To Me #

There was a child Who was born to be The one who comforts me Who was born strong And brave and holy, Loves me rough and tenderly Can it be understood The reasons why you belong to me?

Would you promise to be kind? Promise to be kind

Tearwave:Shattered Fairytale #

Tired of being tired Tired of breathing Knowing there is no hope I found dreams are a lie I fell right down Into emptiness

Sleep, Sleeping Beauty, sleep It's safer in your dreams The world is much too cold I wish - I could be like you In peaceful fantasy I see no happy endings

Florence + The Machine:Falling

Sometimes I wish for falling Wish for the release Wish for falling through the air To give me some relief Because falling's not the problem When I'm falling, I'm at peace It's only when I hit the ground It causes all the grief

Priscilla Ahn:Lost #

And I don't like it here anymore. No I don't like it here, anymore. Anymore. Lock me in, close the door. Oxygen, falls apart. Spiders crawl, Mountains fall. Every evening sirens call. And I don't like it here anymore. No I don't like it here, anymore. Anymore.

Muse:Explorers #

Who will win? 'Cause I concede Free me, free me Free me from this world I don't belong here It was a mistake imprisoning my soul Can you free me Free me from this world

Florence + The Machine:Leave My Body

I'm gonna be released from behind these lines And I don't care whether I live or die And I'm losing blood, I'm gonna leave my bones And I don't want your heart it leaves me cold

I don't want your future I don't need your past One bright moment Is all I ask

Ravel- String Quartet 4th Mvt.

Classical There are 4 movements in this. Sunstreaker has the first, this is the last. It’s fiercely angry, manic. It’s unhinged, shivery. It has my sympathy.

Shostakovich- Symphony 8 2nd Mvt.

Classical Thunderous, and wrathful. It hasn’t been cowed, no, it has something to fight for. It will wage a war in defiance.

Bruno Maderna - Viola

Classical This comes in spurts and sputters it sounds like you are only getting half the song. It’s still trying.

Toru Takemitsu- A String Around Autumn

Classical It’s trying to be cheerful, but the darkness is always not far behind looming. Stretched to the snapping point.

Clarke- Lullaby and Grotesque

Classical It’s disjointed, and constantly being overtaken by this darker counterpart, who seems to be preforming a different song entirely.

Mozart- Dissonance 1st Mvt.

Classical Mournful, then determined. It’s bright and hopeful, it hurts to listen to it.

Clarke- Passacaglia

Classical It starts off sad, sweet, and contemplative. Then the viola gets strained, the piano barges in where it doesn’t belong. The viola fades to the point where you can’t hear anything. Then it comes back frantic, what has happened here? It calls, but gets no reply, but the piano.

Dvořák- Humoresque

Classical Long suffering, but adoring. This is a crush deepening to true love. There are a few sour notes, but nothing can spoil the magic of this moment.

Grieg- Anitra’s Dance

Classical The sound of sneaking about, mischievous. They get close to getting close many times, but they make it home, flushed with success.

Gershwin- Walking the Dog

Classical This one is casual, light, and airy. A nice evening stroll, well one strolling, two flying.Slow down, I can’t move as fast as you. Wait, where are you going? You can’t leave me, I paid for the tickets!

Strauss- Die Fledermaus Overture

Classical This is the sound of trouble, troublemakers that is! It pretends innocence on occasion, but it knows what it did. Cheerful.

(Design Notes:

Shockwave’s playlist is structured to be the opposite of Sunstreaker’s.

If there were no buffer between them, you would have a hard time telling where when one stops, and the other begins.

I organized the vocal music from Scientist to Senator.

Shockwave’s video placement is the first video in every category, there are no titles above the videos, because you can click the video to find its name. It’s simply L o g i c a l .

I sought out the version of Baby Mine that has Dumbo’s mom singing it, because I enjoy suffering. Alison Krauss is the other singer for it!

J&J have 38 songs! for reference Sideswipe 19 Sunstreaker 18 Shockwave 36

As adults they are double the size of their children.

I would like to apologize again. A lot of these songs are nauseating to listen to, especially with context. I hope you had a warm blanket, and a cuddle friend to get you though.)

#fanmix #music #long post #transformers #tf #balloonarcade #shockwave #fic rec #tw medical #tw animal cruelty #tw rape

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