#i was going to do a drawing for each entry but i'm dealing with pain and insomnia right now

[petworthy-pokemon]

#93: Haunter

Temperament - Mischievous at best and mean at worst, Haunter will typically bully and harass others unless well disciplined. More well-mannered Haunters are still mischievous and will be prone to pranking and scaring others, which can still be a personality some like!

Anatomy - It doesn't have a solid body and is made up of a poisonous gaseous fog, so... no, you can't cuddle it, and you're going to get poisoned if you try.

Danger - First, I want to clear something up; the claims that it will slowly sap your life with a curse is an exaggerated rumor that went un-corrected since the original creation of the Pokedex. In reality its body is made up of toxic gases so prolonged contact- or a slobbery lick- will poison you and cause sensations of muscle weakness and tremors. That said, that's still pretty bad.

Rarity - You'll usually find some or its pre-evolution at graveyards or any areas that had a notable history of deaths. ...well, it IS a ghost.

Ability - It can pass through walls, but there's not really much use you can get out of that unless it's well-trained. It's more likely to jumpscare you for laughs using it.

Final Verdict: DON'T

There's some usefulness in training one, but... as a pet? No. All around a terrible choice. If you really like it and want to get one as a pet anyway, then at the very least stock up on antidotes.

[seth-whumps]

I MADE A WHUMP EVENT: get ready for July folks

welcome to the Whumperless Whump Event of July! for your sickfic, situational, and completely apersonal whump needs--comfort included, of course. follow @whumperless-whump-event for more information and details!

Image transcripts, tagging rules, and guidelines under the cut!

RULES

Any and all art types allowed (GIFs, drawings, music, writing, etc.)

No AI generated content allowed

OCs and Fandom works alike are welcome :)

Trigger and content tags required, even if the prompt explicitly requires the content (eg. Vomiting still needs the emetophobia tag)

NSFT and NSFW are allowed, if tagged appropriately. This blog will not reblog them, as minors do follow it. However, you're still free to write as you please :)

If enough interest is shown, I will make an Ao3 collection (edit: ao3 collection is made and can be found here)

Side note: please let me know if there's anything I can do to make this post or event more accessible. Should I put the image transcripts on the ID too? Is the formatting causing issues? What can I do?

This is not a contest, just an event. The only awards will be announcements for people who completed the whole darn thing. My entries will not receive any announcements or awards, because I'm hosting

TAGGING

Tag with, per example: #whumperless whump event day 1; #whumperless whump event; and (optional) #whumperless whump event day 1: alcohol as a sanitizer

Tag @whumperless-whump-event please! If not, I may not see it or be able to reblog it!

If desired, tag the medium you used

Trigger tag and content warn (including nsfw/nsft)

If posting early, tag with #wwe early entry. If posting late, tag with #wwe late entry. If posting just for fun, no need to tag these!

IMPORTANT:

There are NO OTHER RULES. Do one prompt! Do seven! Do 'em all! Repeat the same prompt six days in a row! Switch them around and do them all out of order! Post them eight months after the event is over! Finish the prompt list early! Write one long-ass story that deals with every prompt or do a one-sentence drabble for each one! Recommend your favorite scenes regarding the prompt! Write, draw, sing, play music, make playlists, do fic recs or show recs or episode recs or book recs, fucking crochet or something! FOLLOW THE VIBE. DO WHAT'S FUN.

Prompts (text):

Emergency First Aid: Self-done stitches / Alcohol as sanitizer / “It's just a scratch, I've had worse.”

Does your insurance cover this?: Car accident / Bystander caretaker / “Eyes open, ambulance is almost here.”

Like a record, baby: Vertigo / Struggling to stand / “Is the room spinning, or is it just me?”

It's every day bro: Chronic pain / Massage / “I'm used to it.”

Stealing my breath (give it back): Wheezing / Light-headed / “I'll count, you just breathe.”

Summer is a curse: Heat Stroke / Panting / “Why don't we… find some shade, quick?”

Accidental Cryotherapy: Falling through a frozen lake / Hypothermia / “Hey, c'mon, you gotta stay awake.”

Put your head on my shoulder: Migraine / Light & Sound Sensitivity / “I can close the curtains…”

White and red handkerchief: Coughing up blood / Can't speak / “You just can't shake that cough, can you?”

Your work is never finished: Forced to work while ill / Workplace emergency / “...sit down, I'm calling HR.”

A minor annoyance: Stuffy nose / Hate to be sick / “I'm fine, I can work.”

It's going down (I'm yelling timber): Building collapse / Trapped under rubble / “I can't move my legs.”

It's just a pebble: Avalanche / Stuck in the mountains / “Well, this wasn't how I thought the hiking trip would go.”

Lay down your sword: Fighting back a cold / Cuddling / “Just let yourself be sick so you can get better.”

I'm going down (you're yelling timber): Passing out / Exhaustion / “I've got you, let's sit down, I've got you.”

Say goodbye to filters: Half-conscious / Delirious / “You would never say that in your right mind…”

In hot water: Dangerously high fever / Cool baths / “We have to get that number down somehow.”

I don't see it: Hallucinations / Fever dreams / “It's just a nightmare. You're safe.”

The whump morning after: Tending to injuries / Domestic hurt comfort / “Let's check the bandages, okay?”

It's not fun if you're panicking: Stuck in an elevator / Claustrophobia / “Get me out.”

Where's the exit: Lost / Stuck in the wilderness / “Surely someone will notice we're gone.”

Better out than in: Nervous Stomach / Vomiting / “I got your hair, it's fine.”

Well, that doesn't taste right: Accidentally poisoned / Allergic reaction / “My tongue feels like bees, is that normal?”

Be one with the fish: Drowning / Rescue Breaths / “Why did you think that was a good idea?!”

We didn't start the fire: Severe burns / Running into flames / “I know it hurts. Breathe.”

That's no barn spider: Venomous bite / Arachnophobia / “You'll be okay, we can help.”

What's your name again?: Concussion / Temporary Amnesia / “I don't remember what happened to me.”

Nothing behind the eyes: Fully unconscious / Force feeding / “It's just me, go back to sleep.”

Wrong place, wrong time: Robbery / One of many hostages / “Stay behind me, I can take a hit.”

I don't mean to get emotional: Fear / Breaking point / “I can't stop crying, I'm sorry--”

Only way out is through: Tunnel collapse / Accidental Journey / “We can't just sit here and wait.”

ALTERNATES:

Seizure

Choking

Withdrawal

Mugged

Wild animal attack

Hangover

Strain/sprain

Broken bone

Bloody nose

Panic attack

[soboredidecidedtolearnthings]

#1 having flashbacks of high school math because of the line function

I always wanted to learn how to code, and the idea of code always seemed both very easy and very hard at the same time. Now, trying my hand at it for the first time, I realize that I was 100% right in my assessment. This shit is based on very simple concepts, but my mind was not made for math of any kind. Not even the very simple kind.

The way Khan Academy decides to teach people code is incredibly good, as far as I'm concerned. All the times I tried to learn code before it was always based on just writing things and hoping for the best and my head cannot deal with that. I have to actually see things, see results, see the process, so going for a Processing/JS form of teaching actually makes this something my brain can at least attempt to process.

I'm not a complete beginner when it comes to the concepts of coding — I know what a function is, I can understand for loops, and stuff like that —, but I never really tried to code. And how easy this thing proves you know shit even if you think you do. They start by just telling you to create a simple snowman, without ever needing to call more than the ellipsis function and define it's parameters, and you think "but that's too easy".

And then you realize that you actually need think about how ellipsis function works to draw it, what are the coordinates you need to use so it appears in you canvas, and make the math on where the middle is. Let me be clear about something: I can't do 2+2 without a calculator. My bachelors degree is in film studies.

They actually tell you where to draw things, and give hints on the parameters for some stuff, and I thought "nah, I'm gonna just think it through, this is definitely mean for kids".

The actual snowman itself turned out alright, doing that...

Like, it looks okay. I had to go through the parameters a couple of times to get it right, but it worked and my brain wasn't even screaming.

But then they tell you to put arms in the thing.

It turns out that the line function works in a completely different way than the other things you've learn so far. You have to tell it the coordinates of both starting and end point.

I have slight discalculia. Math in high school was a legitimate trauma, and this thing just threw me back into the hell that was analytical geometry. Fun.

From now on I'm just gonna take the hints and use the numbers they tell you to use and spare my brain from the pain of having to understand where things go. I'll just trust their method.

Between trying to remember the size of the canvas, where the coordinates start, and how each function take it's parameters and how they work, this is a lot of information. It will probably get easier as time goes by and I get used to all of it, but for a first time, it's a lot of things to remember.

Coding is one of those things that can have a pretty steep entry barrier, actually, even if you're starting from literal kids stuff, unless you're someone that has an easy time with math.

[gaybd1]

First of all, I'm soooo excited for that finished Zukki drawing. I am feral over it!! Also, could you maybe give a summary of each of your wips? I'm curious about all of them!

Thank you so much!!

Sure, I'd love to give some summaries! Then maybe y'all can PLEASE tell me what u are most interested in reading to help me figure out what I should prioritize?

The current priority is the one going by "Zuko Sees Sokka Fucked Up" lol bc @witchering10123 wrote the most beautifully painful Whumptober series about Hakoda and Sokka just Going Through It and I wanted to write the last two entries from Zuko's perspective when Sokka gets found because I think that would be so good and I love pain and suffering!!

Let's see... Modern Taiwan AU is the one I'm most excited about! This will be a long one and I've never written a modern AU before but basically it's based on SKAM (particularly season 3 of Druck) so it's like a cute trans love story BUT it is also going to have a LOT to do with Taiwan's ghost month and is going to be kind of inspired my Marry My Dead Body hehehehehe

Toxic Jetko I just posted about but basically it's my take on if Zuko and Jet had tried to make things work but it really just wouldn't have. It IS based kind of note for note on a real relationship I've had in the past because the dynamic was way too Jetko and I was like wow wouldn't that be a great fanfic actually

(how terrible it is) to love something death can(‘t) touch is a FUCKING. VAMPIRE AU!!! and it's so so so far from being ready but it's uhhhhh basically like if IWTV was about Zukka and Izumi. So there is some Divorced Zukka in there and also references to asshole Zhao in flashbacks... It's going to be angsty and exciting, but probably also pretty long

i will not be great, but I’m grateful to get through is a very niche sequel to if i fade away (the awful things we do to make the head go quiet) because that is a Dead Dove fic with a cliffhanger ending and I'm excited for the healing that we will see in the sequel but it does deal with heavy shit so I haven't been super quick at writing it. It does fix the Big Problem we saw in the first one though.

ZAtD Katara Arc - So when I wrote Zuko Amongst the Dragons I rushed it a bit too much and I love the universe that has been created for it so I want to go back and revisit some stuff. I skipped over the Puppetmaster and the Southern Raiders episodes in the plot and I thought it would be cool to write something with that like a deleted scene where Dragon Zuko is with Katara dealing with these terrible things

ZAtD Izumi Epilogue - I couldn't fit this into the main story BUT I want to write like a 5-10 years later snapshot of Zukka so happy with Druk and Izumi and kind of revisit how Zuko is dealing with his humanness, and is he the Fire Lord or nah?

ZAtD Divorce Epilogue - This would be way later but I'm obsessed with the idea of Divorced Zukka BUT with their psychic connection from their Dragon Bond and like what would happen any time they get into a room together hehe

ZAtD Extended Torture Scene - This is just because I had so many ideas for when Azula interrogates Sokka at the Boiling Rock that I left out of the original fic bc it kind of disrupted the tone but I DO like whump and angst so I WOULD like to finish what I had kind of wanted for that scene muahahaha

So yeah anyway, any opinions on what I should try to finish and publish first???

[seyaryminamoto]

Your entries for the sokkla saturdays are always so good. It makes me wonder: which one is your favorite entry for each of the last three years you participated?

Haha, I was actually thinking about this for the last Fic-to-Art I did. I kind of picked my favorite stories in order to draw them as the representatives from each... anthology? Compendium? Whatever the right name for it might be xD

Anyway... here we go. The full list of Seyary's favorite stories of my Sokkla Saturday entries, starting in 2020:

Matching Heartbeats (2020)

It's difficult to really rank this one fairly because I admit, at the start I had no idea what I was doing. It was meant to be a week-to-week concept and I definitely started very lighthearted, but by week 3 I was going a little crazy with stories and I suddenly found myself building huge stuff I absolutely wasn't trying to go for at first x'D sooo... unfortunately the first two stories, which were the ones I was most easygoing with, wouldn't be at the top here even if I don't think they're bad, actually. They're just not as thoroughly fleshed out, I'd say. So anyway, ranking the whole thing now...

Yakuza AU (Azula and Sokka are in rival Yakuza clans)

"I melt in your hands" (Azula captured by the Gaang AU)

Making a deal (Azula and Sokka work together to stop an assassin in Ba Sing Se's Palace)

Loyalty (Dark Ursa AU)

Sokkla is painful for Zuko (Zuko is enlightened by a dream that convinces him that Sokka and Azula are the perfect match for each other)

Arranged Marriage-Touch (War ends 20-ish years earlier AU)

Lost in a forest and feelings (Sokka and Azula reconnect over a trip to find Space Sword)

"As if that would ever happen" (A scene of Azula and Sokka talking briefly before the birth of their second child)

"I lost my clothes and need to borrow yours" (Sokka and Azula start a somewhat-secret relationship in Republic City)

Boy that was not easy xD I actually feel like 5-7 are all tied, to a fault. They're all pretty fun to revisit whenever I want to, but I guess the four at the top win for me. Yakuza AU is definitely my absolute favorite from 2020, though. It just never gets old for me.

Underneath Starlit Skies (2021)

Now, this time I was ambitious purposefully... and I paid for it through making even bigger stories than before :'D to be fair, I was already writing Gladiator Part 3 at the time and Underneath Starlit Skies really helped me regain my mojo so I could energize myself and keep going with my big fic. So! What shall my ranking look like now...?

Wounded (Yakuza AU sequel)

Happy Family (... Yeah, well, I'm just gonna whistle innocently now...)

Body Swap AU (... self explanatory?)

Each other's punishment (Antarctica AU)

Jealousy (Band AU)

Prince Sokka, Peasant Azula (Dragon Age: Origins AU)

TDOBS: Sokkla happens (Azula captured by the Gaang AU sequel)

Pregnancy (Dark Ursa AU sequel)

Meeting the in-laws (War ends 20-ish years earlier AU sequel)

I admit, the sequels from this year were a lot of fun to write but the new ideas I had for stories just took over me, big time...

... 'cept for Yakuza AU because that one just drives me crazy. I admit I think it's possibly the strongest AU in all of my Sokkla Saturdays entries, though I can't pretend to be objective enough to say for certain, haha. Anyway, I liked the sequel even more than I liked the original and that's saying a lot, considering the first entry for Yakuza AU is my favorite for 2020 :'D And yeah, the Happy Family situation was way too entertaining to write, all those family dynamics were a thrill to explore when I finally had a chance to. Then, the body swap AU was such a strange way to get out of my comfort zone, but it worked fairly well and I really enjoyed it because of that. Very introspective even in all its ridiculousness, haha.

Leap of Faith (2022)

Oh, boy. I really wanted to make more sequels this year. Which might look like a weird thing to say considering how I haven't ranked my sequels all that high, but I really did want to. It's kinda sad to me that I could only do it with two stories when there were so many that required them... but let's hope the prompts are better for sequels in the future, huh?

Alright, and so...

Toph matchmaking Sokkla (Sokka and Azula work together to stop a conspiracy to kill Zuko... in a rather unconventional way)

"Blue looks good on you" (Sokka and Azula are agents of the White Lotus)

College AU (D&D AU)

Each other's firsts (Childhood friends/basketball AU)

Caught off-guard (... ehem. Again, I'll just whistle innocently here...)

Academic rivals (Azula and Sokka attend Ba Sing Se University)

Sokka dresses Azula (Dragon Age: Inquisition AU, sequel to Dragon Age: Origins AU)

Falling in love (Ursa doesn't erase her memories but changes her face anyway and comes back to the Palace as a servant AU)

Flustered Azula (Antarctica AU sequel)

... I admit this one feels a little deceptive X'D some of the lower rated ones were actually pretty solid entries but I have no idea what the hell was going on with my emotional state at the time. Even upon revisiting them, I wound up thinking the story had turned out to be a looot better than I thought it was upon writing it, and yet something about how I felt while writing those chapters just didn't feel entirely smooth, somehow.

ANYWAY! Doesn't change the fact that Toph matchmaking Sokkla has ended up becoming one hell of a favorite for me. Even then, it's kind of difficult to argue that it's my absolute favorite because "Blue looks good on you" absolutely took over my life and ran away with me. And College AU makes me laugh like such an idiot every time I revisit it, too. So while I thought I might not have that much to offer this year because the prompts reeeeally didn't allow me to work with a lot of sequels, I ended up finding some ideas I wound up obsessed with X'D so I really can't complain about what I managed to make this year.

Anyway, this is my personal ranking for all my stories since 2020. I really don't think I was majorly dissatisfied with any entry because, if I had been, I outright wouldn't have posted them :'D I do think my first two entries for 2020 are the weakest of the lot since I really hadn't committed to coming up with major stories at the time, and I really thought I'd take this event easy... :'D oh, what a summer child I was. Fast forward a few weeks later and I was possessed by the wild need to tell the Yakuza AU as best as I could and mourning the fact that it had ended too soon x'D

If you have your own favorites, feel free to share too! It's always great fun to know about the impact my stories have had on readers, especially the rarer ones that seem to fly under the radar. I learned about two years ago that some readers reeeally loved my White Lotus International Games story, and I actually had thought that one had just gone completely unnoticed, and this year, a lot of people were thrilled to see an artwork depicting The Love Advisor's scene of Azula and Sokka reading their tragic romance book together xD so yeah, if you want to talk about the stories you liked, feel free to share your thoughts! :D

[doubleshotofsomething]

Come Into My Life

This is my entry for @nekoannie-chan​‘s writing challenge. Congratulations on 500followers :D! Thank you so much for letting me participate!

This is a series. The remaining parts will be posted throughout the day. It is a Thor fanfic with a song prompt “Entra en mi Vida” (its a beautiful song, i highly recommend).

Song Prompt: Entra en mi Vida by Sin Bandera 

Warnings: swearing, like a lot of it. Mentions of human experimentation. that’s it?? Also, people are idiots here, folks. bare with me.

Summary: You live in a world where soulmates don’t exist. Like, at all. All that meant to be, fate has chosen nonsense? Not real. Literal, actual, from-the-TV-screen fairytale. So... why is the God of Thunder convinced that you’re his?

Part One: Entra en mi vida, te abro la puerta

"So—" You clear your throat, throwing yourself onto the only empty seat, "—all jokes aside, guys. What the fuck!"

Everyone blinks at you, drinks in their hands and confusion all over their faces.

You stare back at them, completely dismissing the new sets of eyes staring at you. "No, seriously, like what the fuck?" You reiterate. "Like, no guys, this fuck needs an answer. What the fuck."

"Are we supposed to know what this fuck is?" Ghost asks, the first among the group of five to surpass her confusion. "Because I have a what the fuck for that what the fuck."

You reach over to grab her drink and she – having been used to your antics after three years of friendship – moves it closer for you to grab. You take a sip, let the taste of her chamomile tea settle on your tongue, blanch and give it back.

"So, you know how the Avengers got their asses whipped after they pulled a deadbeat dad, right?" You make grabby hands towards Hope's drink, and she – just like Ghost – pushes it over to you.

"Careful," she grimaces, "it has a kick to it."

"So did Thanos," You mumble as you take a sip of her drink. The espresso sits heavily on your tongue and you swear you can feel it stain your teeth. "What the actual fuck, Hope? What is this? And why does it not have sugar?"

She chooses to roll her eyes at you and mimic the remaining two new faces by staying quiet. Her eyes narrow at you in warning.

"Don't get a tude with me, missy—" You wag your finger at her, “—you're the one that MIA'd for five years without a return address and pissed off the Feds. Like, seriously, what the fuck guys? We had plans and everything! Why the fuck would you leave me alone for that long? You know how I get when I'm not forced to socialise!"

Ghost snorts. "Don't be a baby."

Pouting, because you’re very mature, you feign a sniffle and stick your tongue out at her. "Weeeeeh."

The dude with the annoyingly short blond hair snorts, consequently gaining your attention, and tries to hide his smile with his cup.

"You're new," you narrow your eyes at him. "Why are you new? And why do you look like the dude that owes me 12K for wrecking my car?"

"Oh my god—" Ghost grumbles in the background, "—not this again."

"I have bills and crippling debts and things that need to be paid for, Ghost!"

"You're a trust fund baby, you shithead!" She argues. "You don't know what crippling debt looks like!"

"You don't know that! My investment portfolio has been crumbling since the stock market crashed last year due to the recession."

Sam grins cheekily at you. "You have no idea what you just said, do you?"

Huffing and puffing, all you can say is. "Let's go back to the what the fuck that needs to be discussed." You glare at him pointedly, "then maybe, we can discuss why you're still here and why you came back from ashes."

"I know you missed me, cupcake." The evil bastard reaches over and pinches your cheek.

"I miss dancing on your grave," You try to swat his hand away, "now, thanks to your selfishness, I need a new dance floor. Very rude of you to not stay dead."

"You're adorable."

"As I was whatting the fucks," You turn back to Hope and Ghost, "when the fuck did my life become Thor versus Thanos, and why am I the Thor without the hammer to fight Thanos?"

"Is that your what the fuck?"  Ghost frowns.

It's her turn to get glared at. "Don't act like you haven't seen the footage. You know exactly how badly Thor got yeeted off his high horse. I'm only regretful that Captain Wrecking Ball wasn't knocked off his."

"You know he's over here, right?" Hope, ever the oblivious one to your obvious jabs, points at the dude that wrecked your car.

"Yeah, unlike my car and the check he has yet to hand over but hey—" lifting up the cup of espresso, you grin at her "—when life gives you lemons."

"I'm still confused and offended about the Thanos reference." Sam, the gift from the bad side of Pandora's box, begins. "What do we have to do with your life?"

"What does pulling a deadbeat dad mean?" The other new dude asks, his face is both the definition of confused and annoyed. "And what does it have to do with the Avengers?"

You frown. "Now I'm confused—"

"Oh no—" Ghost grimaces.

"—Why do you look like the dude from Gossip Girl but also like the dude on the UN's wanted poster of 20something?" You turn to Sam for assistance. "Doesn't he look like that old geezer from the museum?"

Sam grins, leans back in his seat to take a proper look at the manbun dude. Your table is the round one placed at the corner – the irony – and, until recently, it has always been occupied by the four of you. That was before they decided to ghost you for half a decade.

 "Now that you mention it—"

"Oh, fuck off." Manbun snaps at Sam, and you swear you've never fallen in love faster in your entire life than you have in that moment.

Your grin is wide and shit-eating as you put the cup down. You extend your hand to Manbun and wiggle your freshly painted — somehow chapped – fingers.

"I'd tell you my name but it's better if you just called me sweetheart," You’re still grinning. "What's your sign and what time can you pick me up?"

He blinks at you, still confused, and frowns at your hand. Slowly, because you’re a patient girl, you lean over and pry his left hand away from his cup. You place your palm in his and wrap your fingers around each other.

"I'd ask for your name but I think I'll settle for calling you babe," You shake his hand, and then place it back on the cup. "Or hun. I'd call you handsome, but that's too tacky and we—” You point between the both of you, " – don't do tacky."

You sit back in your seat and glance at Sam. "Well... Most of the time anyway."

At this, the rest of your life flashes you a grin. "How does eight o'clock sound?"

"It sounds like a recipe for disaster." Ghost cuts in, narrowing her eyes at you. "Back off, shithead. You've hurt enough of my coworkers"

Jaw dropping and shock feigning, you gasp. "How is that my fault?"

"Is that joke?" Ghost frowns, "because I feel like it's a joke. Three incidences with the analysts and five tech support team make it look like a joke."

You scoff at that. "Look, if your little back up boys can't handle the essence of a real woman, then that's not my fault." Confidently – and silently annoyed – you also add. "Plus, I actually did SHIELD, or whatever ridiculous name you're calling the remake of a failed organisation, a favour. If your boys behind the boys in spandex can't handle being told off by a 'mouse' as they call us, then they shouldn't be behind the dude that wrecked my car.

 "But now that I've said that out loud—" You pause, "—I finally understand why the Avengers are so bad at their job. I mean, with such poor support systems, it's no wonder boy blue and red uses cars as a landing mechanism. It's almost as if he's never heard of a parachute."

There's a pregnant pause as you pretend to ponder the situation. The new dude with the blond hair has visibly turned red and is shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Manbun has a very permanent looking frown smeared all over his face and you’re pretty sure you've just ruined whatever chances you had of giving him children. And Sam, because he's Sam and is patiently waiting his turn to roast you, has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

Ghost pretends to scowl at you, even though you’re pretty sure she's already drawing up the schematics for the pedestal she's about to build for you. Hope, because she's Hope and has first-hand experience of dealing with spoilt little brats that use creative antics to slowly drive people away, decides to use that exact moment to sigh and expose you.

"Hey sweetheart," she begins in that voice of betrayal. "Can you, like, not be an antisocial, territorial pain in the ass for five minutes and be nice? Stop trying to get our guests to leave with your little mind games, yeah?"

You blink at her. Once, twice. Because the betrayal always takes a few moments to sink in.

"They're not mind games." You retort. "Boy Blue over there did wreck my car. He used it to cushion his fall, because apparently the super-secret organisation that harbours entitled idiots doesn't invest in parachutes."

"But you don't even need that 12K—"

"I didn't ask for the 12k. I just simply pointed out that his reckless behaviour is very costly for those who suffer for it."

"Okay, guys—" Ghost tries to interject, but it's too late. The fire has already started, and Hope and you have never been on the same page when it comes to anything involving the Avengers.

"You're being unreasonable now. You, of all people, should understand that some things are out of our control."

"That doesn't excuse or make the damage done alright. The ruining of people’s livelihoods isn’t a necessary evil for your super heroe'ing righteousness." You point out, eyes narrowed, and teeth bared. "I, of all people, don't understand your defence. Because I don't use the lab that made me as an excuse to get away with the bad shit I do to people. Whether intentionally or not."

"Really? Because you weren't singing that same song when you cashed in on all that HYDRA inheritance."

"I am not the people that made me and it's not like I'm vacationing the money away. Or have you forgotten about that harbour I had to fix because your boyfriend decided to grow a few sizes?"

"Oh, how could I forget? It's not like you rub it in his face every time he tries to so much as even say hi to you."

"People should be held accountable for their actions. Excuse me for exercising my fifth amendment because I don't think communicating with the guy that turned your dad into a fugitive by siding with the anti-accords gang is cool!"

"That accords was messed and you know it!"

“Yeah, but I didn’t go around trying to be a vigilante about it!”

"Just admit that your stance for the accords is only because you need the government's protection against ex-Hydra agents."

She hit a cord and she knows it. "You're treading on very thin ice, Hope."

 "Scared they might come back and finish what they started? Now that Pierce and Rumlow are gone, there's nothing stopping them from finishing what they started, is there?"

"You know," You sigh, reaching for Ghost's drink and taking a sip. "At least, I don't have to abduct a man from his home, nearly ruin his chances at freedom, risk his life numerous times for my personal gain, just cause I have a theory about my mom's whereabouts. And then—" You let out a condescending laugh at the thought, "—have the audacity to look him in the eye and call it love. Because, ya know, turning a guy into a science experiment and berating him for doing what he thought was right is so romantic."

She's turning red. You can see it before it actually happens and there is a sick sense of pleasure coursing through your veins at the thought. At the fact that you’re the one pressing all the buttons.

Boy, are you fucked up.

"Damn." Sam mumbles, then chortles, then belts out a laugh. "Shit. Who pissed in your gourmet breakfast?"

"People," You scowl at him. “Fucking people. Because, now call me a bitch if you insist, I don't remember telling management to sign a deal with SHIELD."

"What the fuck?" Ghost, ever so caring, contributes to your bewilderment and pissy mood.

You nod frantically at her. "Exactly! What the fuck! Do you see why I needed you guys so bad? Like, it's like the creation of the Strike Force all over again!"

"Hold on—" Captain Damage Ball cuts in. "—I'm confused. What exactly is going on and what does SHIELD have to do with it?"

"Oh boy. Germany, here we go again—"

"Don't be an asshole, shithead."

 --

 When SHIELD fell and Black Widow released all those classified documents to the public, your existence was made known to the public. It turned out that running a terrorist cell inside a super-secret organisation wasn't the only thing Pierce had hidden from the world. You were.

You were supposed to be an experiment. Another volunteer, like the Twins, for Hydra's ultimate plan. Another Bucky Barnes, but without the constant torture to keep you mindless and loyal.

 You were supposed to be the next generation. The Rumlow that wouldn't need force and violence to get the job done. That was the requirement. Those were the orders. That's what you were supposed to be.

Instead, somewhere deep in the dark, cold corners of an abandoned Hydra lab, the inhumane attempt of creating Winter Soldiers through 'natural means' had taken place.

The surrogates were all volunteers, the scientist claimed.

The procedure was necessary for the mission, the doctor explained.

This is the only way forward, the master mind behind that plan argued.

Rumlow took care of the agents himself. Pierce burned down that lab himself. And, out of all the children born, you were the only one that lived longer than the rest. The others were unfortunate enough to be experimented on, before Rumlow found out.

Not knowing who to trust, Pierce kept you hidden from the world and Hydra. He never hid the truth from you, nor did Rumlow. They knew that, at some point, those that knew about the lab would eventually find you, and you needed to be prepared for when they did.

When SHIELD fell, the paper trail that led to your existence was small – miniscule, even – but it was there. Sam found it, but he kept you a secret as well until you were ready for the whole world to know.

But the world wasn't waiting for you to be ready. It wasn't that patient, nor kind. Because, with everything out in the open, chaos ensued, and you were still – at the end of the day – the next generation. All those assets couldn't remain frozen forever and all those lives that were ruined by Hydra couldn't remain unaided.

So, you had to step out and – begrudgingly – announce your existence to the world. Put a huge target on your back and claim the inheritance that Pierce had unwittingly left you.

"I'm gonna go piss off alot of bad people—" You had said to Sam over the phone, right before your News Interview. "What do you think I should start with?"

He wasn't having any of it. "Did you just wait for me to leave the country so you could do something stupid?"

"Of course not, I'm not you—" You scoffed, checking your outfit again. "—I hired a hacker to fake a series of cyber-attacks. Then I asked that girl, you know – the one that could walk through walls, to freak a bunch of people out. So, you know, it could be an Avenger level threat, but not the kind that needed Captain Spandex, so they'd send you. Then I scheduled the interview for the night of the supposed attack, because I knew you'd be gone—"

"Are you kidding me, Y/N— Clint, turn this thing around now!"

"—So, I was thinking I show up on stage and say 'the law says I can take all those assets and I'm gonna use them to do the exact opposite of what my ex-bosses would've wanted'. How does that sound?"

"Do me a favour. Don't move. I wanna kill you myself."

You grinned. "I knew you'd love it."

--

Next Part

TAGS: @nekoannie-chan​ , @thorfanficwriter​

[sendnotes]

books i read in april.

this is going to be my thing from now on. i'll compile a list of all the books i read in a month and share my thoughts on each one every end of the month.

just so you know, i'm a little forgetful, and i have a tendency to forget names, plots, and other details. i'm hoping that writing these will aid my memory in recalling how i felt about each novel.

you can also find me on goodreads

so, let’s begin, shall we?

101 essays that will change the way you think (wiest, brianna)

self-help book

this book got off to a good start! some of the essays written (or should i say a collection of articles originally published on the thoughtcatalog website) made me think and consider my outlook on life, love, and so on.

the title overstates the case though. when i think of an essay, i picture something more argumentative and philosophical. not to mention that the majority of the ideas in this book are redundant. it made it difficult to get through. nonetheless, i was able to get past it because there were so many fantastic concepts and topics discussed.

overall, it's an interesting & worthwhile read for those who enjoy thinking outside the box.i lost count of how many times this book gave me aha moments. i swear, most of the entries soothed my mind and provided a great pick-me-up when life seemed to be frustrating.

the midnight library (haig, matt)

science fiction, fantasy fiction, psychological fiction

regrets, self-remorse, what ifs, family approval, drugs, dreams, love, passion, hatred, death, afterlife, multiverses, quantum physics, and a plethora of possibilities packed into a 304-page book.

i'll be honest: this book is already on my list of favorites. i'm simply blown away by how well-crafted and diverse the entire story unfolded.

a sci-fi novel with a dash of fantasy and a smidgeon of philosophy. if that's your thing, you should give this book a shot.

the first few pages of the book gave me an impression and led me to surmise it was going to be a cheesy ass chick lit novel that i'd only read and find enjoyable in high school. i was completely off base. it proved to be very mature, full of lessons, but delivered in a fun and entertaining manner— exactly my cup of tea.

it reminded me of a disney pixar film called soul, in which the afterlife is depicted in vivid detail. they differ on so many levels, but they both imagine life after death for people who are unsure of their path, purpose, and passion.

every chapter served a significant concept, so this book is well-deserved of a 5-star rating!

norwegian wood (murakami, haruki)

fiction, romance novel, bildungsroman

as i read the book and neared the end, all i could think about was how this book became one of murakami's most popular and influential works.

murakami offers a sprawling glimpse into the lives of a group of severely damaged youths grappling with the realities of what emptiness entails. take what you will from it.

i know a lot of people like it, which is fine. but please keep in mind that this book hit me square in the gut. it alternated between making me angry, sad, annoyed, and disgusted almost constantly. there isn't much else.

this book should come with a warning: "this is not a good place to start if you're new to murakami's works. this is not a representative of murakami's brilliance."

fist and foremost, the characters in this book are all repulsive.

toru watanabe was a fuckboy and a softboy rolled into one. what could possibly be worse than that? he'd have as many casual sexual partners as he could while also buttering a girl up by appealing to her emotions and displaying a "sensitive" and "vulnerable" side.

this book was made even more depressing by the fact that each female character was needy, weak, dysfunctional, and dependent. since they're all the same, i'm not going to go over each of these female characters one by one. you already get the idea.

reiko ishida, imo, was one of the best rendered sections of the novel. most likely because she had a better grasp on her emotions and goals than the still seeking youths... until, *spoiler alert* she wanted to do it with toru as well. a big disappointment.

to summarize, this book is primarily concerned with two topics: sex and death.

hidden meanings are everywhere, but when you get to the core, that's all that remains.

the four agreements: a practical guide to personal freedom (ruiz, miguel)

self-help book

first agreement ⏤ be impeccable with your word

this essentially means that you should not spew gossip or use words to harm others. because words have tremendous power and can cause significant harm. you are not only negatively affecting others with your hateful and thoughtless words, but you are also hurting yourself. this is something with which i generally agree. how i see it, when people are unhappy with themselves, they turn to others to make themselves feel better. as a result, they gossip about others in order to divert attention away from themselves.

second agreement ⏤don't take anything personally

alright. sure. don't let what others say about you bother you. it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. well, i don't entirely agree, but i think it's a fantastic idea in general. however, achieving this goal will be extremely difficult. i believe it would take a lot of practice to reach this level of zen. plus, i honestly believe that other people's opinions still matter because they keep you in check. the best advice is to not be swayed by these opinions, but to consider why they were expressed in the first place. see what you can do to improve yourself from there. sure, it can be difficult to deal with; after all, no one likes being told they're wrong or whatnot. but it's not all bad news because you can sometimes use criticism and judgment to give you a competitive edge. i mean- don't you think hearing someone else's point of view is also an opportunity to learn and progress? ruiz should have stressed that it's not just about "not taking it personally because you know you're not that person," but also about not retaliating with an extreme knee-jerk reaction even if you believe you're being unfairly criticized.

third agreement ⏤ don't make assumptions

this is a real eye-opener for me. i've noticed that whenever i become enraged by someone's words, it's usually due to my tendency to assume. personally, i can't help but make assumptions. i don't know what other people's motivations are, and i can't help but draw conclusions based on the information i have. even if the other person had no intention of causing me harm, it's too late. the thought has become ingrained in my mind, and i never ask for clarification out of pride or fear of appearing overly sensitive.

fourth agreement ⏤ always do your best

this section did not seem particularly useful to me. i mean, aren't we all reminded of this all the time? this section is filled with sloppy writing, in my opinion. as if he badly wanted to finish the book and impulsively thought: "okay, fourth agreement: always do your best. that should suffice. lmao"

overall opinion: the third agreement was my favorite, but the rest were a no-go. don't get me wrong, i appreciated his ideas, but i've heard them all a hundred times before. basically, the book's sole takeaway is that we are all suffering in some way in our daily lives, and we are all dealing with different issues. regardless, we all need to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others.

the song of achilles (miller, madeline)

romance novel, historical Fiction, war story

i'll keep it short and sweet:

i really wouldn't have had this book any other way. miller's writing is breathtaking, so rich and full of lovely detail. it's incredibly a unique concept to me that authors are rewriting such ancient history and stories to make them lgbt+!

some suggest it's tedious, but i disagree. it isn't slow; rather, it is just right.

'cause at the end of the day, it's not about war, tragedy, or heroes - it's a slow-burning, organic love tale between two young men and their inevitable connection.

it's sad, tender, and painful, but in the best way possible.

circe (miller, madeline)

novel, historical fiction, fantasy fiction

"greek mythology, but with a feminist twist"?! sign me the hell up! this piqued my interest... only to leave me feeling completely let down. seriously now. circe was described as a "badass empowered woman," which was the single most compelling selling point for me, and thus the most wrenching disappointment, i must say.

sure, it demonstrated the value of feminine power, but it also did represent how this power can be a force of good or evil.

not to mention the fact that circe fucked a married man or two in this book- i mean- how is that an ~empowered woman~?

let's be clear right off the bat: madeline miller's follow-up to the song of achilles is epic in scope but not necessarily in execution. to me, this read more like a tedious island tale. regardless of how many five-star reviews this book has received... i just don't think it's well-deserved. don't get me wrong here. miller is a fantastic author with a lush writing! istg- i'm blown away by how beautifully she wrote and carefully chose her words. even the most mundane phrases were written poetically. after-all, it’s greek mythology. but how did she manage to make circe seem so... bland?

[bubblesthemonsterartist]

Okay, I'm in Izanayuki hell *again* (thanks, Jen :D), sooooo: Izanayuki/Cinderella AU: There's some party in Clarines where Izana should "find" Haki with the glass shoe (for she's his princess), but to get to her he offers the shoe to other girls first (to prove it fits only Haki) but (*gasp!*) accidentally it fits Shirayuki .>

Itis said that Wilant Castle was born before time, before man, from the earthitself. That the very first gods to claim this land as their own cut through snow then mud then ice to midwife it from the mountains that lay beneath. It was, if you were to ask those whose blood draws from the rivers of the North, a holy place. That as long as the onewho sits upon its ancient throne was good and just, the country would benefit;would thrive.

He never gave much credence to the old stories.

Hisfather did, though. And had spat upon it. That, Izana remembers vividly. His mothers nails bit into the flesh of his shoulders and he, as a child, had not understood how her face could be so calm when her body pressed against his spine trembled so violently. 

Scholars, the King had growled, eyeing the crest of Knowledge that hung high upon the wall. They are no better than traitors in training.

At the time, he had been frightened. Been scared. Like all children are in the face of something more powerful than themselves. But he wanted so dearly to please his father, to be deserving of his time.

Izana yanked his arms from his mothers grasp, past her pained gasp, scampering up to his fathers side, and-

That’s my boy. A heavy hand rested upon his head - everything about him was always so heavy - ruffling hair as Izana cleaned the spittle from his chin with his sleeve. Pay witness to this, my Queen. A once and future King of Clarines stand before you.

Even now, the memory stings from the warmth it stirs in his heart. He had been… so happy. So proud. Felt so worthy-

Only for his father to fade once again. To disappear. Off to battle, Lord Haruka always told him. Off to war. And until his 13th summer, whenever a lazy moment would allow recollection, Izana would think upon the memory and dismiss it as no more than a dream. A fantastical nightmare that could be left in the ashes of slumber.

Until it wasn’t.

Cold sweat dampened his collar and steel flashed before his eyes. A blow landed and the wood in his hand rattled like his teeth, like his own spinning brain. 

Elitists. That’s what they are, King Kain said over the sound of his pounding heart, and he pulled back, circled, picked the next weakness to exploit. They think they’re learned, but they are nothing but innocent babes. What could they possibly know of war and peace locked up in their libraries and laboratories?

How Izana wished his father paid the Northern territories no mind. Each time was worse than the last-

It is best, the King grinned, catching the distraction and taking advantage of it. A fist wrapped itself in his loosened hair, his mothers hair, and held tight, to keep them tightly under one’s thumb.

The nape of Izana’s neck still burns and itches, still remembers the texture of a large hand pressed there and squeezing. Until-

You’re pushing yourself too hard, a far softer voice scolded. Small hands chased his away from the hurt, coolness chasing away the heat with one deft motion. You need to sleep.

For once, the softness in his chest relaid itself on his face. And he smiled. I’ll have plenty of time for that after one of these assassins manages to do their job.

Green, the color of a fresh spring day, flashed in his vision. A brow creased with worry. A mouth set with disapproval. I promised Zen I would take care of you. Don’t make me a liar.

Pain strikes straight through his skull in a thunderclap and he shakes the memory clean. 

What would his dearly departed father have to say about this?

“Arewe going to go in, Your Majesty?”

Izanablinks. Stares at the firelight glowingfrom the castle before him, the dark stone cut with gold, and wonders if there is something to be said of those old stories. If the same gods thatbuilt this place would intervene to keep the Wisteria name from tainting it further.

“Ina moment,” he replies.

Zakurais rarely dour. But between his Southern blood, the wind and the snow masquerading as rain, even he has his limits. “In a moment both of ourseats will be frozen to our saddles,” he grumbles. “We’ll have to be cut from them and how then do you propose that we meetyour lady? With a hole in our trousers?”

Despitehimself, despite the sight of his breath misting in a cloud through rain andsleet, Izana can feel his humor improving. He must be the only one of his partyaffected thus, for his mount shifts irritably beneath his thighs.

“Howis your history, Sir Shidnote?”

The weight of Zakua’s stare is heavy on the back of his head. “Fair enough,” he says, uncertain. “I was raised to be a Lord just the same as any other.”

Castinghim an appraisal from the tail of his eye, Izana smirks. “You and I both knowthat peerage does not equate knowledge.”

Zakuracoughs into his fist. “Fair enough.”

“Myfather always said that the North was cursed,” Izana comments airily, bare fingerswrapping around wet leather. “That, as King, I should never set foot in theselands unless I could avoid it.”

“And your brother?”

“The second born is called the spare for a reason.”

Zakura coughs again, this time it sounds suspiciously like a laugh. “Andyet here we are, your brother safe and in the South and us here, no worse for wear.” 

Alltraces of good nature leave his voice. “Now I know you were sleeping through the meetings.”

Therain falls faster, soaking through his cloak, until he can no longer feel the ache in his chest, the buzz in his brain. All he feels, all that there is, is cold andwet.

“Izana.” Zakura’s voice is rough beneath the steady shower. “Why are we here?”

It’sa good question. A fair one. And if anyone else were to press, if anyone else wereto ask, they may never learn the truth. In fact, Izana himself does not understandwhat brought him to this place.

Savehe does.

“Whyindeed?”

~~ ~

When theypass the great iron gates at last, past mounds of gray snow and melting ice, he throws his reins to a soaked-through page boy whoimmediately whisk his grunting animals to drier housing. The heft of the air loses some of its weight - seems lighter, seems calmer. Maybe the weather would break soon.

Izana ascends the stairs to the grand entry, each step heavier than the last, and the great wooden doors that have withstood raid after raid from enemy and ally alike opens so easily before him. It quickens him. And now that he hasfound his motion again, he cannot stop, remembers that he has never once in hislife needed to stop. It is not meant for him to pause beyond his own will.Rather, it is meant for his people to keep up.

Whenhe steps, backs bow for him. When he bends his knees, a chair appear below hisseat. When he but exists, announcements rattles off of stone walls, echoingchambers by chamber until it is but a distant memory.

Zakuratakes to his shoulder, hand resting too casually at the hilt of his blade. A servant of the house approaches to take his cloak, but Izana shakes his head once in negation. Holdingup a single hand, the butler pauses, lips pressed thin, and there is… something endearing about it. Something that Izana can’t help but view with a smirk at the novelty.

Asmuch as his father hated this place, had sought to change it, Izana had always been… oddly pleased atits continued existence. The servants of these lands hadnot his father’s ghost to beat docility in them like they did in Wistal, and the butlers gazedrops fretfully down to his feet. Izana’s follow. The edges of his cloak are dripping onto the fine Watese carpeting. The shift of his boot rubs in the mud that the road had flung on them.

Makiriwill be incensed. Izana leans back into the chair, wincing at the cold as itpresses firm to his back, and closes his eyes.

Good.This is half his fault anyhow.

Itis only a minute, maybe more, but the whispers begin on the edges of the room.The questions he is not meant to hear. Zakura is oddly silent at his side and,weighted down by his own stillness, Izana opens his mouth, opens his eyes toinquire about Lady Haki, only to discover she is already there. Watching him with preternatural stillness from atop the stairwell.

“Mylady,” he says softly, and even at his most genteel, it sounds loud. Harsh.Overwhelming in the face of her slight frame.

Shetakes a step forward, her eyes boring into him, and in the faint blue winter lights of the windows at her back, she looks ill, looks half dead. Like an omen. Like apromise if he is unable to bring this deal to fruition.

“YourMajesty,” her voice floats down the stairwell to answer his greeting. “I see the negotiations are going well.”

~~ ~

“Isee.” Haki finally says, after some difficulty. “That is… indeed a uniquesituation.”

Thefire splits and spits in the hearth, sparks illuminating the room beforefading once again, and Izana wraps numb fingers around delicate porcelain. Theytingle, pinpricks of pain filling every point of contact. He is certain, beneath his sodden clothes, that the rest of him is made ofnothing more than ice.

“Areyou going to let her be taken?”

Evenhis heart.

Hisbrows push at one another, his tongue oddly lost. “She cannot marry Zen. The slight would mean war.” Of that there is no doubt. “But I am not preparedto surrender her to Sama.”

“They would take the advantage and that would mean war as well.”

It hurts how easy she reads his thoughts. Sees his logic. That he does not need to explain what is plain to his eyes.

Hakihums around the lip of her teacup. “And our bachelor in Tanbarun. How does he fair?”

If he were not so weary, Izana would laugh. The things that he could do - has done - for his country may be unspeakable, but even that is a price too steep to pay on his soul. “Raj is as wellas can be expected.”

Thineyebrows raise in question. “But not enough.”

“Itwould be cruel,” he replies, and it is a challenge not to smile when her expression turns fond. “The throne has seen enough of that these last few generations. I would prefer to minimize it in my rein.”

“Andyou call your brother the idealist.”

Forreasons he cannot fathom nor can his mind articulate, his chest aches. Fillswith a sense of loss for something that was never truly his. “I never said Iwasn’t.”

Haki’sgaze grows weary under his. Flits away. “Why are you here, Your Majesty?”

“Time,”he lies, but it’s not. It’s just not the whole truth. “Time and distance. Tolet the negotiation table cool.”

Hestarts – he starts – when her handalights upon his wrist, as graceful and delicate as a butterfly perch. It takeshim back to his youth, when he was a child in his mother’s gardens. Long beforehe felt even the first whisper of the responsibility he was meant to wield. Longbefore he knew what it meant to be as cold as he feels now.

“Youdid not come here to ask my advice on diplomacy,” she says, not unkindly, just-true, and the image is shattered. Whatever solace she provided gives way, andhe is loaded once more, the weight of his country- of his people and their future- against that of a single waif of a common born girl. 

It is a wonder that he does not give way beneath it.

“Ivalue your opinion.” He does not move, does not dare disturb her lest she take flight. “That is all.”

Itfalls silent. Somewhere down the hall, agrandfather counts the hours. Tells him the precise moment that fate sought to break their pact.

“Youhave to marry her.”

Thereis no regret in her voice, no upset. It’s a simple statement that he knows costsher everything, yet she gives it without pause.

“Igave my word,” he says, so simply. To be your husband. To be your future.

“Izana.”His name is like a shock on her lips, striking every nerve until he is nothing but raw and tender bone. “You know what must be done. You cannot let such an advantage fall intotheir hands.”

“Butthe contract,” he licks his lips, grimaces at the sting, and why, why does this kingdom deem it rightto call him King when at this moment he feels so much a boy? “I have given myword.”

Hakismiles, drawing her hand back to her own. Lips pulling in a bitter line, shesighs. “You know as well as I, Kings do not have the luxury of keepingpromises.”

[fairycosmos]

I really hate not being good with feelings you know? I'm shit at dealing with my own, helping others with theirs. Got any tips?

hey love. honestly i think it’s totally natural to be shit at dealing with feelings when you’re young, to an extent. it’s definitely a skill you have to actively learn over time. it’s v difficult to actually keep a cool head, to see past your own emotions and to look at situations for what they actually are, but it’s definitely not impossible :/ but idk if i’m the right person to ask about this bc i’m really really bad at it, too.  but regardless, here are a few tips/reminders that i’ve picked up on. i hope at least one of them registers with you.

stop analyzing your emotions and just let them occur - judging yourself for feelings things, or trying to push it all away, is never going to work out. don’t self consciously observe yourself being upset, just be upset. stop denying it. some nights you’ll just completely break down, you’ll freak out and feel out of control, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad at dealing with your emotions. when it comes down to it, you have to process things like sadness and anger in order to overcome them. let them wash over you without too much self criticism, alright? there’s no wrong way to feel. even if it’s uncomfortable or painful, it will pass, if you give it the chance to.

focus on how to cope with them rather than getting lost in them - i have this issue where i always focus on the problem instead of the solution, and it’s a thinking pattern that a lot of people fall into. do a bit of research and self discovery. consciously look into healthy coping mechanisms (for example, creating a care plan for yourself/seeking help when you need it.) allow yourself to cry and to work through each hurdle one step at a time. there’s no rush, and you don’t need to pressure yourself to have it all figured out - it’s all a learning experience. find what works for you and make the effort to do it. even if you start by just doing it once or twice a week.

notice your own red flags - there are usually triggers or certain scenarios that may cause you to want deal with your feelings in an unhealthy way. if you observe yourself for a while, and try to pinpoint exactly what makes you want to do that, then you should be able to prevent yourself from doing so eventually. once you’ve realized what exacerbates your issues, you can work on avoiding those circumstances by cultivating a safe atmosphere for yourself. 

be vulnerable with others - when you’re talking to a trusted friend or family member, one of the main ways to help them deal with their own bullshit is by being honest about your own. you don’t always have to know exactly what to say, and you don’t have to solve all of their problems for them. you just have to listen. thats the key. when someone is sad or pissed off, they just want to be hear and relatively understood. even if you feel awkward, even if you choke on your words when trying to give them advice, the fact that you’re a shoulder for them to cry on will really help more than you realize. and it creates an environment of support, which is beneficial for everyone involved. being around people is one of the best ways to combat mental difficulties. the self destructive urge to isolate yourself will always be there, but you don’t have to give into it.

create something out of your emotions - i’m not good at music or writing or drawing, but i literally do all of those things in spite of my complete inability because of how fucking therapeutic they are. give it a go if you’re into that sort of thing. whatever you make doesn’t have to be a technical masterpiece, in fact it’s not supposed to be. it just has to be yours. even if it’s simply a diary entry, a piece of your thoughts. putting your feelings into a tangible part of reality can be a huge relief. it’s a way of registering that that’s how you felt in that moment. 

see a professional - this is the most important point, i think. at the end of the day, your inability to deal with your own emotions may be caused by something that is firmly rooted in your mindset. if the deepest part of someones brain is their core beliefs, something they learn to believe very early on in life, then their thought process is going to be constantly marred by that fear. you need to confront why you feel the way that you do. there are a host of options available - support groups, therapists, counselors, hotlines - maybe even just start with your regular doctor and see what he/she recommends? there are low-cost avenues of support too, i’m sure you could find some in your area. i know it’s easy to look at an idea like that and just brush it off, but i’m seriously asking you to consider it. a professional can help you honestly examine yourself. therapy is sometimes like teaching your brain how to let you breathe again. if you’re able to, please think about looking into it. you won’t regret it. and it doesn’t have to be a big deal if you don’t want it to be.

so yeah i’m sorry, idk if any of these will actually help because everyone is different, but i hope you’re able to find some peace of mind eventually. give yourself some time and work out what you need to do in order to make your mental health a priority. that’s seriously more than good enough, dude :) i’m rooting for you a lot ! you’ve got this, okay. message me if you want to talk more about it or if you ever need a friend i’m always here.