#i was debating either this one or my ashes fic. but this one is technically my latest wip so

[crows-home]

Tagged by @cozyqueerchaos ^^

Rules: Make a new post and post the latest line from your WIP and tag as many people as there are words.

I'm also gonna give a few sentences of context!

Kotetsu smiles at him like it's the easiest thing in the world. Like being here, with him, looking out into the night sky while he bares his soul, is as simple as anything.

"I'm proud of you."

@phantomruby @teamxdark @silvermun @aconstantstateofbladerunner

(As always, no pressure to answer!)

[seaswalllow]

okay so letters from l'manberg did Not get posted, but let's run west did so! i'm giving that to y'all instead. pounded out ~2.5k words and this is the result for a songfic competition :P

inspired by west by radical face

link to the ao3 fic in the notes

i.

“You know,” Tommy grouses, “I can't see a thing with my hair all in my eyes.” Tubbo just laughs at him, while Niki hides a gentle smile behind her hands.

Jack rolls upright, and the crown of foxgloves tilts dangerously. There's a very dangerous way to how he’s puffing out a chest, a suggestion of I’m about to enter this argument and win and you’re not going to like it.

Eret has a sixth sense for when this trouble starts brewing, it seems. They scoot backwards, minding the cape slung haphazardly over their shoulder, and bump Niki to do the same, out of the line of fire.

“See, this is why short hair is superior. Your hair’s a sanitary hazard- actually, just a hazard all around.”

“You’re a hazard all around,” Tommy snaps back. He pushes the hair out of his eyes- and grumbles as it flops back in. This time, the titters around the group echo louder. Eret has the grace, at least, to hide their laugh behind their hand.

Tommy rounds on the nearest offender; Niki, as it happens, and backpedals as quickly as he starts when he sees the set to her hip. That’s a straight ticket to one of Niki’s I’m not mad, I’m disappointed, really, you can do better lectures and Tubbo still hasn’t let him live down nearly crying after that lecture. She's terrifying, okay? She’s terrifying, and he’s not ashamed to say that. (He’s told her that exactly once; she had laughed gently as she’d drawn a warm loaf of bread out of the furnace. She hadn’t contradicted him, though. So: no thank you.)

Jack is next in his line of fire.

“What’re you laughing at? ‘least I’ve got hair to impress the ladies with- oh, have you seen Tommy Innit’s hairs? luscious, luscious locks, look, healthier than me!”

“The ladies like my hair,” Jack protests. “Makes him right spiffy, they do say, right spiffy and proper; that Tommy Innit looks like a hooligan who’s just crawled out of the woods. Jack Manifold- now that’s a man of esteem and grace.

“Esteem, grace, oh what lovely qualities,” Tommy parrots back in a voice pitched four tones too high. “They look at you and say oh my, where has his honour gone? He’s got none, just a patchy head of fuzz and glasses that look like they’ve just been dug out of the bin-”

“You take that back- these glasses are top of the line-” Jack’s hauling himself up, and Tommy’s squaring his shoulders, and Tubbo’s laughing hard enough to be doubled over in the grass, despite the gentle shove from Niki and the cautious look from Eret. He’ll get to Tubbo next- it’s not like his hair is much better, kept out of his eyes only by sheer force of will.

They get to about three steps within each other when Wilbur's voice cuts through the argument.

“What's all this, then?” Tubbo's still choking down his laughter, and Jack's sputtering something about high tech, and they’re all really being incredibly useless, so Tommy asserts himself as the loudest. (And most correct. Obviously.)

“Jack Manifold is insulting the honour of my hair,” he proclaims, drawing himself up. Chest out, shoulders back, head high- just like they were taught.

Wilbur must notice this, because he musses Tommy’s hair gently, not a minute later. Or maybe it’s to prove a point, because it falls back over his eyes, to Wilbur's laugh. Traitor.

“There's enough here to make a shag carpet, Tommy. I don't know if he’s wrong.”

Tommy folds his arms, and- okay, he doesn’t pout. He just… lets his face settle into something more disgruntled.

“I've had bigger things on my mind. things like incredibly important-” incredibly important wars, he realizes he was going to say, moments before the words spill out of his mouth. There’s a line of tension in Eret’s shoulders where there wasn’t before.

He clamps his mouth shut.

“I’ve just been busy, and so have you, and you’re the only one who knows how to get our trim decently,” he finishes.

Around Wilbur's eyes, the exhaustion softens.

“C’mon, Tommy.” Wilbur gestures to a nearby chair, dragged out to the shade. “Sit down, we’ll trim it up to something more respectable.”

Tommy squints at him. He's not sure if the effect comes across the same way, obscured as it is. Which- may be proving Wilbur’s point. Damn it.

Begrudgingly, he slinks over to the chair of shame, letting his steps fall a bit heavier. Niki pats his knee gently, while Eret calls over to Wilbur. “You might need to do Tubbo’s next. goat boy’s going to start bumping into things.”

“I’ll just go around the circle,'' Wilbur laughs. “We all need a little trim and care.”

Reaching up to poke at the curls hanging around Wilbur's face, Tommy arches an eyebrow. “Are you planning to cut your own hair?”

Wilbur waves a hand, before he takes up his position behind Tommy. His fingers are gentle as he sorts through the long mess, a soft snick echoing as he starts cutting away at it.

It's a familiar sound, and Tommy lets himself relax as Wilbur continues combing through the tangles.

“It’s not the first time I would've done that. I can take care of myself too.”

“Doubtful,” Tommy huffs at the same time as Eret murmurs. “That's what they all say, don’t they?”

Wilbur pauses in his actions. Tommy darts a peek at Eret underneath his hair. Niki and Tubbo, engrossed in their debate with Jack, aren’t paying too much attention, but niki sends a fleeting, if concerned look, their way.

They’re technically not wrong. Wilbur can roll his shoulders back and step with military, practiced precision, and it won’t hide the bruises under his eyes that grow by day.

It won’t hide the ever-lengthening shadows on his face, the ink-stains on his fingers that never seem to wash out.

But if Wilbur says not to worry about it- well. There's already a lot on their plate. He knows what he’s doing.

(Right?)

(Right.)

So Tommy squares his shoulders and grins at Eret. “He's a disaster, isn’t he?”

Eret hardly smiles at that. Niki, Jack, Tubbo- they’re all listening now. Tubbo meets his eyes, and sits up fully, rolling his eyes. Silently, Tommy thanks prime.

“There’s a saying about glass houses,” he begins, and Tommy splutters, retracting any and all thanks.

“Oh, don’t you go pulling out the wise shit on me now- I’ll have you know I’m the best around here at-”

“At raising the disaster rates? Yes, yes you are.”

“You’re lucky I'm stuck on this chair,” Tommy points threateningly at Tubbo. “when I’m off of it-”

Tubbo simply pulls out a sword with the same shit-eating grin. “You’ll give me the beating stick?”

“You’ll wish you had the beating stick.” With that lovely parting line, he sticks out his tongue, only to immediately hiss and spit into the grass to the side. Jack cackles.

“Shouldn’t have opened your mouth while your bird’s nest was getting cut!”

“Oh, you-” Wilbur clamps a hand on Tommy's shoulder. He stills immediately.

“Stop wriggling. Your hair doesn’t need to get any worse.”

Tommy narrows his eyes in Wilbur's general direction, but he does settle down. The tension’s dissipated- somewhat, at least. They should be okay.

(Later, he’ll look back. He’ll wonder what Eret saw before them; he’ll wonder if it was the sleepless nights, or the way that Wilbur shies away from a blade outside of dinners and nights reserved for haircuts. He'll wonder if it’s the ashes of letters that pile, and pile.

He’ll wonder if that’s what scared Eret away, and goaded him into lacing the very ground that they had rolled in a play fight on just days earlier.

When he hears it was never meant to be, he’ll wonder if it was a threat. Later, he’ll understand it was the writing littered on crumbling walls. But for now, they sit, and they laugh, on the home that they built.)

ii.

There is, quite simply put, too much happening.

Tubbo sits to his side, kicking his feet over the ledge; Tommy’s insisted they both sit by a railing to hold onto, one of the few that they’ve diverted Wilbur's attention from.

Below them, the ravine buzzes.

Techno is not in the farm- hasn’t been for a bit, in fact. This is the first they’ve seen him around Pogtopia in days.

He's facing Wilbur, in the far corner. Tommy doesn’t take his eyes off of him, while Tubbo nudges him, attention elsewhere.

“Fundy’s arguing with Quackity in the corner,” he mutters. “Think they know something about the Schlatt situation?”

Tommy spares the two a quick look. Fundy's ears are pinned flat against his head; quackity’s eyes are obscured by his sunglasses, but even his printed smile seems strained.

“Could be worth checking out,” Tubbo presses.

“I’m more worried about whatever those two have going on in the corner,” Tommy says tersely. “Wilbur’s not in his right fucking mind as is- and Techno’s not good fucking company.”

“nobody here is,” Tubbo replies, and doesn’t elaborate.

Which is. just fucking great, honestly. Everybody here is either stressed out of their mind, scared out of their mind, or both. This is fine. This is fine.

He forces out a noisy breath that does nothing to calm his racing heart.

“It won’t matter in a few hours,” Tubbo finally adds. “The waiting’s the worst part.”

Tommy forces the image of Tubbo staring down the crossbow, waiting, out of his head, and folds his arms.

“It’s the aftermath that sucks the most, innit?”

“Not really. By then, it’s happened. You can’t change it. There’s no what-ifs. You just move forward. You can’t move while you’re waiting.”

Can they stop with the fucking metaphors?

He works his jaw free from where he’s clenched it tight enough to crack a tooth.

“Think Schlatt’s going to pussy out of it?”

“No.”

Of course it can’t be that easy.

Tubbo leans back, mindful of the bandages winding up his arms. He keeps an ear tilted towards Tommy.

“It depends on how much we corner him,” he amends.

“If he can run to preserve himself? He will. If it’s a last stand? He’ll take us down with him.”

Plant his feet and lower his head for the charge. Great. Just what they fucking need, with Wilbur ready to plant the button, and a trigger-happy anarchist.

Is this how Wilbur felt? ready to scream ‘til his voice cracked, as it kept piling? Tubbo, as schlatt got louder and angrier?

He hates it, honestly.

“Great. So we don’t give him a chance to do either.”

“Easier said than done.” There’s a thoughtfulness to Tubbo’s voice. “Doable, though. The night of- you didn’t see him. If Wilbur’s a mess… Schlatt’s not better.”

Tommy cuts a sideways look. Tubbo's still staring down, not a single emotion escaping the neutrality he’s plastered across his expression.

They’ve all gotten rather good at their masks. Some more than others.

“Hardly coherent. Passed out on the speech he was writing.”

Making a face, Tommy scoots back to fold his legs upon the ledge as well.

“That place sounded like it reeked. It lingered on you for ages.”

“You get used to it,” Tubbo replies. “You get used to a lot of things.”

Down below, someone’s raised their voice. Judging by the stuttering speech- they both swing to look as Wilbur’s voice bounces off of the walls.

A summons, then.

“Time already?”

“Techno said he had something to show us, before… before.”

Tubbo’s expression doesn’t change. Tommy doesn’t need it to, as he watches Tubbo’s ears carefully press against his head before forcibly relaxing again.

He makes sure he steps first into the vault.

Takes the first step towards Schlatt.

(it still doesn’t matter in the end.

it was never meant to be, a sovereign once said.

Tommy’s beginning to think it was an apology.)

iii.

“You know,” Tubbo says. “This would be L'manberg's last life.” He laughs a little as he says this; Tommy can't bring himself to laugh with him, the words sour on his tongue.

They've always held themselves differently.

Tubbo laughs even as he aches, shrugs it off while he bleeds.

Tommy rages, and he rages loudly. He grieves- though he grieves quieter, holds on to his hurt tight enough to bleed.

They have that in common, he guesses.

“You sound like you're already burying it,” he settles on. Tubbo slants a sideways look at him. The fringe of hair curling around his face isn't obscuring his eyes yet; Tommy catches every sharp thought flicking through Tubbo's eyes, and a few that he doesn't know how to read yet.

(This concept of unfamiliarity sits awkwardly in his hands; he's not sure how to hold its weight, so he sets it aside. He can't help but pick at the splinters that it leaves behind.)

“I'm preparing to,” he says simply. He doesn't have to say why. The angel's shadow hangs heavy on their doorstep. So efficient. So practiced. The memory of building their country's coffin lies engraved in their muscles. They sing its funeral hymn in their sleep.

“You're killing it before it's had a chance.”

Tubbo doesn't answer.

A whetstone passes over the sword glittering in his lap once, then twice more. Tommy turns back towards the grid hanging over them.

“Like Schlatt? Or like Wilbur?” Tommy flinches, unexpectedness slamming bodily into shame, a full-body reaction that unbalances him from where he's kicking his feet over the dock's edge; he pulls himself back.

Out of neglect, or out of fear? Do you think it’s because I never understood what L'manberg stood for to us, not like you did? Or because I was too afraid to hope, and look what that did to us, Tubbo doesn't say- or maybe Tommy's just filling in the blanks with fear and a memory of two exiles.

Maybe Tubbo really does just sound tired. Maybe they're all just tired. He swallows hard, and this time reaches out first, to bump Tubbo on the shoulder.

He forces out a breath, and forces them out of his head.

“You were better than either of those two bastards ever were.” Tubbo only raises an eyebrow at him.

He doesn't argue, though, and so they sit. Axe at Tommy's side, sword in Tubbo's hands.

At midnight, the angel's- the blood god's- the smiling god's- hounds bay, a resounding death knell. At midnight, the angel's wings darken their skies.

“It’s not- it’s not dawn,” Tommy shouts to empty air. Around them, the streets murmur, crescendoing to a wail as a wither, then another, then another barrels through their streets. “It’s too early! This isn’t fair!”

It’s too early.

They hadn’t said good-bye.

“This is war, Tommy,” the skies tell him. (At least they graced him with a reply, the tone suggests.) “War isn’t fair.”

None of this is fair. None of it was meant to be, none of it will be.

At dawn, the sun finds them at the bottom of L'manberg's grave.

(What do you do with a country taking its last breath?

You bury it where it can’t hurt.)

[sa-yo-u-na-ra]

My thoughts on the ending of Banana Fish and why I don’t think it’s that bad

This is going to be really, really long. (it takes 10-15 minutes to read at least no joke)

I’ve seen a lot of fans writing essays on why they like or do not like the way Banana Fish ended, and I really feel like I have to get it off my chest myself, so get ready for a long, sappy, over-poeticized post written by a sappy, over-poeticized teenage girl (whose English knowledge could use some improvement so forgive her please). Also, I had enough of some people on twitter running around saying that everyone who didn’t hate the ending is homophobic.

Some important things:

I do not intend to convince anyone. Everybody has their own opinions.

I don’t really want to get into long, pointless comment fights either. We have different opinions, and even if you think any single thing I’ve wrote in this essay doesn’t make sense then alright. Your opinion is totally fine and valid. I just wrote this essay so you can understand why some people don’t hate the ending as much as most of you do. (I hardly doubt there’s anyone out there who doesn’t hate the ending at all though)

 IS THE ENDING OF BANANA FISH PROBLEMATIC?

Yes. I think this question was in @http-eiji’s essay on the ending (you guys go read it, it really makes you think, plus the idea of writing a huge essay on the ending is kinda copied from her): ”Even if you don’t think anything I’ve said in this section makes the ending problematic, can you see why there are people who do?” And my answer is yes, I do. I remember when I was first informed how the story ends I’ve read a lot of posts ranting about why Banana Fish is Bury Your Gays and how it seems to tell CSA victims that they can’t be happy. Now, I’m not an LGBT member, neither am I a CSA victim, so I don’t think it’s my place to tell the fans who are if the ending should frustrate them or not, because there are a lot of them who are, obviously, frustrated by it. And I can see why. Banana Fish’s ending can be seen as Bury Your Gays and one can see that the vibe it gives off is that no matter how hard you try to come past your traumas, death is the only choice in the end. At first my thoughts were pretty much like this. I was really, really angry. But I slowly calmed down as I was giving it more thought, and I realized that I couldn’t hate the ending. Or, at least, not entirely.

I don’t know too much Bury Your Gays stories, but I know that it’s a pattern that was most likely used in early gay stories: the homosexual character(s) often died at the end of them. And this must be frustrating for the LGBT people. But still, just because there are a lot of stories like this, it doesn’t mean that Banana Fish had to have a happy ending, other way it’s a homophobic piece of crap. Banana Fish had the ending the mangaka planned for it. She didn’t have to write a happy ending to satisfy anyone. It’s her story. She wrote it as she wanted, just like any other writers. I think it definitely wasn’t written as a “just because gays die in other stories so I’ll just kill him as well”, because it’s in character and it fits the story as well and it’s well-written, too. And her message for sure wasn’t that gay people will die at the end no matter what.

I personally don’t think it’s Bury Your Gays or a message to CSA victims that they should die, although it’s definitely debatable. (The first one, I mean. The second one just kinda…doesn’t make sense.) But to me, the ending seems so heartfelt and clever…I just can’t bring myself to think it’s BRG or a bad message. I do believe that it was logical. I think it’s so much more, and I hope that some of the people frustrated with it can find peace with it eventually at least as much as I did. (I sound like some monk talking about finding peace. I told you it’s going to be sappy!)

 WHY DOESN’T THE ENDING SEEM LOGICAL AT FIRST?

“There had been too much emotion, too much damage, too much of everything.”

-Ernest Hemingway: The Garden of Eden

I always thought it’s interesting how Lao was the technical killer of Ash, but still he doesn’t get the hate he would logically deserve. Because it wasn’t any kind of murder. It’s said in the manga that he missed Ash’s vital organs. So, in conclusion, it’s Ash who chooses death.

Normally, I wouldn’t blame him. With all the things he had to deal with since his childhood, I would probably choose death, too. Even if it wasn’t the right choice.

But Ash is different. He’s a fighter. He might not fear death, but he never wishes for it either, as it is told by him. To me, it always sounded like: I’m not seeking death, but if I have to die, then so be it. Remember how he acted when he was stabbed by Arthur? He was thinking about how peaceful and gentle it all is.

But. Still. He has Eiji. Fucking Eiji, and it’s clear from that god damned love letter that he doesn’t blame Ash for anything, and loves him more than anything, and that he’s ready to live his life with Ash by his side. He’s not just ready, he wants it, for God’s sake! Ash is Eiji’s soulmate. This must had been clear for him, too.

WHAT KILLED ASH?

“Tired, tired with nothing, tired with everything, tired with the world’s weight he had never chosen to bear.”

-F. Scott Fitzgerald: The Beautiful and Damned

The things I’ve wrote in the upper paragraphs are the things that are usually said as reasons why the ending isn’t in character. But one thing, as I noticed, is always overlooked: the guilt. It’s clear to me that Akimi Yoshida had chosen to kill Ash because of the guilt he was bearing. She literally said that he died because he was a murderer burdened by his sense of guilt. (Although she said a lot of other contrary things in other topics, so I’m not sure if I should quote her. I still do it though. Just don’t take this as a fact.)  And I can feel that.

We all love Ash so, so much we hardly ever think of him as a bad person. But try to look at things from his point of view. I don’t think he chose death because of his traumas. I mean, maybe that was a part of it, too. But the very reason he chose death was his guilt. He killed hundreds of people. People he liked, people he didn’t even know. Good and bad people. He killed them all for his own sake, and while he says he doesn’t feel anything because of it, it’s pretty clear how much he hates himself. He bears so much guilt that no one should. Especially not a 17-year-old child. But unfortunately, he does. Guilt might be the worst thing in the world. It crushes your soul and mind. It’s the thing that makes you hate yourself the most. It makes you do and think things that are not logical, no matter how other people try to convince you. It makes you think you don’t deserve anything, and when you’re finally starting to believe in yourself, the smallest, simplest thing can throw you back into your self-shaming and blaming and hating. And it just can’t disappear. And just try to imagine bearing the guilt of killing hundreds of people. How could Ash think that he deserves Eiji? Even with the letter. It made him feel loved, yes (which is, at least to me, is more important than anything anyway). But it didn’t quite made him believe in himself enough. That’s a whole another process.

When he was stabbed by Arthur, he already loved Eiji more than anything. Still, when he was in surgery, the only thing he could think of was how he hurt Shorter and how he would hurt Eiji too, eventually. How he doesn’t deserve him.

The issue here wasn’t that he couldn’t have a happy ending. He could have, possibly without Lao.

The issue here was that he never even believed he deserved one to begin with, and when he finally started to think he deserves it, Lao came, and his fragile belief in the possibility of happiness crumbled down again. That might just be my theory, but to me it’s very real.

“I...My body...it reacts like a machine and kills people like nothing. Without feeling, without thinking. I’ve never been so scared of myself or so ashamed.”

WHAT WAS ASH THINKING IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS?

“It would be better alone, anything is better alone but I don't think I can handle it alone.”

-Ernest Hemingway: To Have and Have Not

I think when he was reading the letter, he forgot about his guilt. He suddenly got a peek of happiness, a better life with Eiji. This is why he started running. But then Lao happened, and he was reminded that he doesn’t deserve that. That he hurt and killed people, and that’s all he’s capable of. That no matter how hard he tries, fate won’t ever let him have a happy ending, because he doesn’t deserve that. But the letter…the letter was proof that he’s a human, after all. That he’s loved. And oh God, how much is he loved. This fact alone was already more than he thought he deserved. But for once, he let himself chose a selfish choice. He might not deserve happy ending with Eiji. But he doesn’t want to keep on living without him either. So he decided. He decided to change his leopard-like fate, and rather than keep on living in the cold world of loneliness which he thought was waiting for him thereafter, he chose to at least die with the most precious thing for him, the letter in his hands, which made him feel like he’s not alone at all. A choice he believed will make him the happiest. So he went to the most peaceful place he knew. He read the letter over and over, and died with the happiest feeling in the world, with the overwhelming knowledge that he’s not alone, and that he is loved, after all. Hiroko Utsumi said it herself: the ending may seem as a sad one at first, but the last expression of Ash makes it clear that he was happy in the end.

This might be just something that we tell ourselves to make it less painful, but hey. We have to hold on to something.

“Must be a nice dream.”

IS THE ENDING OF BANANA FISH THE BEST ENDING POSSIBLE?

“I don't care about truth. I want some happiness.”

-every fangirl ever before going on ao3 to read fix-it fics (just kidding. F. Scott Fitzgerald: The Beautiful and Damned)

Without a doubt, hell fucking no. And this is the rage part. Ash’s one of the smartest people in the world. And the police are kinda on his side. He has a lot of connections as well. So if he wanted to disappear from New York, he could. And that is the very reason the title is not: ”About why I love the ending”. Because although I do think the ending was reasonable and in character and that it wasn’t Bury Your Gays and shit, it could have been a happy ending. Because there’s no doubt: Ash’s way of thinking was self-destructive, he absolutely deserved Eiji. His way of thinking was harmful and stupid. I just wish he had the time to realize this. And I wish for many other things that will never happen with the two of them, and this why I despise the ending even if I do think it’s a good one. Because while the ending is beautiful, it’s really sad, and who loves that? Nobody. Alright, maybe I do. But I still hate it. When I think about all the what-ifs…I can’t seem to bring myself to say I simply love the ending and that it’s good as it is. I don’t think the ending ruined the story, it just made it…sadder? If that’s even possible. I can’t hate the Banana Fish ending…but I can’t love it either.

 WHAT IS THE MESSAGE OF BANANA FISH?

“Don’t ever kid yourself about loving some one. It is just that most people are not lucky enough ever to have it. You never had it before and now you have it. What you have, whether it lasts just through today and a part of tomorrow, or whether it lasts for a long life is the most important thing that can happen to a human being. There will always be people who say it does not exist because they cannot have it. But I tell you it is true and that you have it and that you are lucky even if you die tomorrow.”

-Ernest Hemingway: For Whom The Bell Tolls

To me, this quote is literally it. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t hate this whole thing. And it’s because it might be stupid and sad all it is, it gives me a message, after all. I’m not sure if Akimi Yoshida intended to give this message, but here we are. I have it. I think I can’t hate the ending because it hits hard. It makes me appreciate the love and happiness of Ash and Eiji. It gives me the vibe that Ash’s fragile belief in the possibility of his happiness, to use my words from earlier, might had been easy to destroy because of his guilt. But not his love for Eiji, which shines brightly even after long years of his death in Garden of Light. Everything can be destroyed somehow, but the most beautiful, innocent kind of love. That kind of love that gives you everything and asks for nothing. No matter how fucked up your life may have been, no matter how fucked up you might be, you can still feel love. This is the meaning of Banana Fish to me. Just like Eiji, I am, of course sad and of course missing him, but most importantly: I am grateful that I got to spend at least a short amount of time with Ash. The message, to me at least, I think is that even when you have literally nothing left, you can find something. And that something is more important than anything, even if it lasts for just a little while. Even if you die tomorrow, the thing that matters is that something. (But that doesn’t mean you should die! You should live and enjoy it because you are not guilty at all and you deserve it. Ehm. I’m talking to you, Ash.)

 that page of Garden of Light that never fails to make me cry at least a little bit, no matter how many times I’ve read it before

IN CONCLUSION

“I don't exactly know what I mean by that, but I mean it.”

J. D. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye

This essay was never intended to in the and tell the readers: do I love the ending or do I hate it. I can’t bring myself to say either. I wouldn’t say I like the ending, because it’s such a neutral word for something that I have so complicated feelings about...But still, if I’d say I love it, that would just sound so stupid. How can you love something so depressing, even if it’s not necessarily bad? But I can’t hate it either. So I’m saying I have a love-hate relationship with it. It’s like with the mangaka herself: I love Akimi Yoshida, but she’s a bit cruel. But that’s not the point.

I think what gets me in the ending scene is how beautiful it is. It might be sad, but I can’t ignore how beautiful the words of Eiji are, and how peaceful and happy Ash looks. I really think that although this ending might make me angry and sad, it’s beautifully written, and although maybe it had other BRG works’ impact on it, I feel like it’s still really well-written and has a soul on its own.

So, is the ending of Banana Fish good? To use Blanca’s words, that’s something for you to decide yourself. Is it a boring, stupid trope played for shock factor and for the sake of tragedy? Is it a beautiful, unique, heartfelt scene with a positive meaning? Or something between the two? It all depends on you and your taste and perspective, as it does with every other form and act of art. Because, in the end, no fictional thing hurts real people, so from where should we know if our opinion is wrong or right? And I think this is why it’s pointless to fight over it. Maybe some of you still remember the thing that Literature teachers often tell us: there are always two people creating a story: the writer and the reader.

This essay was intended to make clear one single thing: to me, it’s clear from how Akimi Yoshida talks in her interviews that she doesn’t think the ending was that important. The same with Hiroko Utsumi.

In conclusion, I think we all give a little too much thought to the ending. Who gives a fuck about the ending? The love of Ash and Eiji was, is and always will be real, no matter what. No matter how fucked up the ending might be.

Because it’s the journey that matters rather than the end.

“They’re both enjoying their rest in a ski resort” -Akimi Yoshida herself, 1995 (See, guys? Don’t worry, they’re totally fine. The ending doesn’t even matter.)

[chicleeblair]

Dear Yuletide Writer

Dear Yuletide Author,

EDIT: I am not able to participate in Yuletide this year--I had to forfeit in 2016 due to being unexpectedly hospitalized in Nov/Dec after poorly managing my time, and misreading the rules--I thought the ban could be cleared by submitting a treat OR waiting a year, turns out I have to complete a finished story to be cleared, which I will this year.

All that said, I spent quite a bit of time on this and since I could manage to pinch hint and get to make my requests I’m going to leave my DYW letter here. If anyone feels like writing to these prompts, feel free. I’ll probably reuse them last year, depending on what is written for other people, but I already have plans to nominate a few newer fandoms next year.

Fandoms included: Newsflesh (incl Feedback), 

Hi! I’m incredibly excited about Yuletide this year, and I’ve been considering my requests and offers with more thought than I should be willing to admit to this week. There are so many fandoms that I love nominated, and though I’ve learned to be careful about what I offer to write for, I’ve still found myself making detailed mentao pro-con lists, especially since I try not to request fic from the same fandoms I offer to write in. Still, I’ve been surprised by some of the nominations—I only finished The Lonliest Girl in the Universe a week ago, and Lauren James isn’t well-known in the States, despite being one of my favorite authors. Anyway, I think I’ve got my lists figured out now, so the time has come to tell you what it is I love about my favorite pieces of underappreciated media. What an easy project /sarcasm.

 DISLIKES Before I get into the fandoms individually, I suppose I should let you know what my squicks are (you know you’ve been in fandom too long when you’re shocked Word doesn’t recognize the word ‘squicks.) None of these are triggers in particular, I’ve got depression, but it’s managed, and I don’t have any major traumas to worry about in particular. I don’t mine NSFW/explicit fic, but it’s also not often my reason for reading. That said, the following tags make me likely to hit the back button: watersports, alpha/omega, knotting, feces, mpreg. I’m not particularly fond of girl!penis as a kink, though it’s different if the character is actually dealing with being trans or intersex.

 LIKES One thing I do like that a lot of people don’t is bloodplay, though as there aren’t any vampire stories in my requests it probably won’t be a Thing this year, and I’m good with consensual BDSM.

 I’m sure it’s obvious from my reqs that I’m into zombie fiction, though it’s the human side of it I like, whether that’s humans dealing with zombies, or zombies attempting to deal with their humanity. One thing I will say is that I’ve chosen fandoms that all rest on detailed world-building, and if you want to write a fic that explores the edges of these universes without necessarily including the listed characters, I’m happy with that. Anything that explores how the world has changed/how a certain person has been affected by the big change is fine with me!

 I’m bi, with a deeply abiding love for f/f fic. I definitely have het ships that I’ll fill you in on, but I still love stories where those ladies interact with their female friends. I’m very pro kid!fic, I adore time stamps, alternate POVs, epistolary fic, social media fic, anything that explores the world that an author has already built. I wasn’t ever the kid simply rubbing their Barbies together, I acted out Barbie and Ken meeting while they babysat Kelly and Tommy. (True story: these stories were also written down in a notebook I carried around at school. Basically, I started writing Barbie fanfic at the age of eight.)  

 I’ve received some great Yuletide gifts via letters where I’ve spelled out specific desires, but this year I don’t have specific stories I want written so much as worlds I’d like to see explored further. What are they? Glad you asked, friend!

 Newsflesh (Feed, Deadline, Blackout, Rise, & Feedback)

 This isn’t the most obscure fandom in the world, by any means, since it’s written by Seanann McGuiare under her Mira Grant penname, and because Mark Oshiro of Mark Does Stuff chronicled his journey through the original trilogy. That said, I’m pretty obsessed with the world of these books, and have read and reread all the books and novellas, and I’m not as into the main ship as most readers seem to be. I’m adopted, so the relationship between Georgia and Shaun I don’t love incest in general, though a high school obsession with Life with Derek means I can’t cast stones. However, I nominated this fandom in the first place, and I picked the character pool especially so that even if I didn’t end up requesting it, other participants might take the chance to explore other characters, specifically the characters introduced in Feedback. Their story takes place parallel to Feed; while the Masons are covering the Ryman campaign, Aislinn North, the Irwin who adores chasing zombies, and her companions are on the election trail with Senator Shannon Kilbourne. I like Feedback due to the diversity of its cast—Mat, the teams’ techie and makeup blogger, is nonbinary, and Ash is married to Ben, the Newsie, on paper, but really in a relationship with the final member of their team, fiction-writer Audrey). But another feature I love about this book? Unlike the original trilogy, it was written after the date when Grant sets the Rising—July 2014. Because of this, the book contains some amazing pop cultural nuggets that just make the whole thing seem more real, for instance Ash mentions that Frozen merchandise is a rarity, since the Rising happened mid-PR campaign, and Taylor Swift’s pre-2013 music is “before she turned political.” (If only. Tay and JLaw disappointed me last year.) Like I said, I’m not married to you using these characters. Heck, if you want to explore Taylor Swift’s life, post-Rising, that’d be cool with me. That said, I chose Ash, Emily Ryman, Maggie, and Georgia because they are awesome female characters, and I’d love to see them interact. I can see Ash and Maggie having known each other/dated at some point—though post-canon I am pro-Maggie/Alaric, though less crazy about Ash’s girlfriend—and any situation where they could meet would make a great fic, especially if both Georgia and Ash have to deal with their prejudices towards each other. Also, in regards to Maggie, I wouldn’t mind knowing more about Alisa, Alaric’s sister, especially because the Masons take her in from a shelter in Ferry Pass, which is part of my hometown of Pensacola. Emily is painfully underused, being born pre-Rising and developing retinal KA, and all of them are just badasses. Basically, this world is awesome and I think more people need to be exposed to Feedback, and it’s Irish spitfire of a POV-Irwin. Another feature of this universe I’m interested in is the kids who grow up post-Rising. Grant looks into this with blog posts and flashbacks, but even the description of the post-Rising orphanages in the “All the Pretty Little Horses” short story from Rise makes me want more.

 Parasitology Parasite, Symbiont, Chimera

 Another Mira Grant, another apocalypse. People have accused her of revamping the same story again, but in spite of having some similar characters and circumstances Sal’s story is nothing like Georgia or Ash’s. Of course, I adore the similarities in story-telling—ephemera is my kryptonite—but Sal’s development is unique to Mira Grant books, if not to books in general, and her relationship to her own humanity/lack thereof is fascinating. I especially love that she spends the whole series in a committed relationship, one that she is confident of, and that in spite of only technically having existed for six years she is incredibly sure of herself. I nominated this one as well, and chose Sal, Juniper, Doctor Cale, and Tansy because they are strong ladies with complex stories that have lots of room to be explored. Dr. Cale, Tansy, and Sal to a degree, deal with disability—and this is particular interesting for Tansy & Sal, since they are aware of the fact that they are making a choice to keep this malfunctioning human body. Juniper is a little girl, yet she and Tansy are learning to be people together, Sal is learning to be a mother, and in a way so is Dr. Cale. Also, eventually Juniper will have to decide whether or not to engage with the humans of her generation, and that could be fascinating. That said, Grant hasn’t told nearly as many stories in this universe, since the trilogy relies far more on Sal herself than Newsflesh relies on the Masons, so I’d love to see an exploration of how the parasites and chimeras affected other parts of the world. I think the fact that the symbiotes have brought humanity so close to eradicating illness is something that could be explored further, too, especially when you consider that the parasites disabled their inventor, and that if the Mitchells hadn’t been attempting to hide Sally’s epilepsy, Sal might not have been born. There’s also the fact that the other doctor who is close to Sal—Cale’s son, Nathan—does not use the implants at all, suggesting that at their core physicians with their hearts in the right place know that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed, that maybe humans need illness and disability to thrive.

 In the Flesh

I really debated requesting this, since it’s a fandom I think I could write in, but I liked the idea of letting my requests adhere to a theme, and this series was the first piece of zombie media I ever consumed (pun intended). There have been many great fics in this fandom, they are often AU and revolve around Kieren’s relationships—I’m all for people celebrating canonically queer characters, but to me neither of those ships were what drew me into the series. I didn’t nominate ItF myself, and I wish I had because I would have included Amy Dyer. As it is, I don’t mind if you mention either of Kieren’s relationships, but I only asked for Kieren and Jem because they’re the characters I care most about, truly. Honestly, I actually care the most about Jem, because I think she’s an incredible character who went through so much to protect her family and is forced to face her fears every day in order to have a relationship with the brother who made her who she is—in so many ways. I am also fascinated by the idea of a world that has faced the apocalypse and is having to move forward. The little details that serve to remind us that society had to hit the pause button, such as the lack of cell phones, are really intriguing to me, as well as the issues students like Jem face having to return to school after war. This world also opens the door for an exploration of what life might be like for children&teens who came back—Henry was a missed opportunity IMO—and while I don’t mind if you don’t bother incorporating the storylines Dominic Mitchell has said he would include in a season three, the idea of Jem making a friend with PDS (as opposed to PTSD, that acronym similarity needs mentioning) would be so great. Again, though, feel free to take this world and run with it, no need to stay in Roarton—I wonder what adulthood for Jem would be like, with Kieren never having aged, for instance?

 World War Z

Another of my nominations. I don’t know why, but I am obsessed with this book, specifically the audiobook. Max Brooks has talked about how he based this book on an oral history of WWII, and I think the parallels between the two wars are deep if you look closely—the idea of total war, the amount of work on the home-front, the inefficiency of assuming what won against one enemy will suffice against another, children escaping unimaginable violence, the nuclear bomb survivor, so much more—but what I really loved is how Brooks really fills in the details from each POV he uses. Without naming celebrities, Brooks clearly sets it in the Bush-era, which is interesting to me but probably not affect fic, but shows how well the world is crafted. The imagery that comes from the Australian astronaut who spent the war on the ISS is particularly poignant to me, especially the way he describes them discovering the burrowing zombies. I also get chills from Jessica’s story, the girl whose parents dragged her up to Canada, and when she discovers the Spongebob sleepover, because it’s a mark of how bizarre our culture and entertainment would seem, and how our comforts could disappear in the blink of an eye. I do think that this book is lacking in female POVs, particular ladies who might not be soldiers but were fighting the war in their own way. I loved Joe Mohammad’s POV, too, but not everyone would need to be part of a patrol group or militia to survive. I’d love to see what the situation was like for city-dwellers, or people who were in the areas not getting supplies due to the Reddecker plan. What about the Israelis, what was it like in the country during this isolated period? There have been some great fics exploring issues like euthanasia and abortion in that period, and I’d love to see an issue like that expanded. On the other hand, there is a lot that could come from looking into the world post-war, describing what the Narrator goes through to get these stories, or what kinds of stories he might hear after the initial book is published—a history of the rebuilding would be interesting since in this world the threat isn’t completely gone. Brooks has written two short stories that are explicitly in this world (a couple that are borderline) and one of them, Closure LtD, and I don’t want to spoil it, but it really makes me wonder what other kinds of industries would emerge in a post-zombie war world.

 Inhuman Condition

Also my nomination, this is a webseries that did not get NEARLY the amount of viewers or fans it deserved. The author has created this incredibly interesting alternative history, and I don’t think everyone who watched even knows how much detail was put into it. For instance, I discovered a blog (https://angrydeadgirl.wordpress.com) written from the POV of Clara—my favorite character—wherein she analyzes TV shows such as Grey’s Anatomy, except it’s Grey’s Anatomy reimagined through the lens of this world, and there is NOTHING I love more than inter-textual references like that. There are other in-universe shows that I have honestly begged to see for real, and via the show we only get a taste of these details. I’d also love to know more about how the existence of zombies and lycans affected history aside from the terror attacks we know of from the series. I’d also love to see more about Kessler, what got her into working with other-humans, whether there is a personal connection that we’re not told, more about her daughter, Mira, who has grown up in a world where the truth is known, there’s so much in there to mine. I didn’t nominate Tamar, the character who seems more superhero than supernatural, because to me her story seems to fit into this world less than Clara and Linc. Not that I don’t like her, I did, but while I totally believe they could all exist in one universe—I read Marvel, after all—her condition doesn’t seem to be in the same category, so the backstory would be different. Lycanthropy and Clara’s form of zombiism both seem to be medical conditions, to a degree, and while Tamar’s issues definitely parallel mental illness, it’s a different issue. I wouldn’t mind seeing her or others like her, just that I think the dynamics of lycan/walker-type conditions. I really appreciate how, like In the Flesh, this series allows the conditions to be a metaphor for real life issues, without erasing those issues. One of Clara’s blog entries, for instance, mentions that there are cases of people being killed for not informing sexual partners of their condition, and this is explicitly related to people with HIV who have faced similar violence. Also, Linc and Kessler are both explicitly bisexual, and in my mind Clara is non-straight, too, and that’s a reason I included Mira because WHY NOT? I nominated Frank because after seeing a fic that shipped him and Clara I got interested in what it would be like to have to spend all your time with this vibrant girl who is so afraid of becoming a monster, I don’t ship them necessarily, but I am interested in knowing more about him. This is the one fandom where I am kind of tied to having the canon characters front and center, but if you want to explore this world through a different lens, I’m open to it.

 The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

 I really, really thought about using this slot for iZombie, because it’s one of my favorite things and fits the theme, but I read The Loneliest Girl in the Universe a few weeks ago, and am THRILLED with the idea of finding other people who love it. I also considered offering to write for it, but I do not have confidence in my ability to calculate transmission delays or describe space physics. I mean, it’s basically a YA version of The Martian featuring an MC with anxiety who writes fanfic. WHAT MORE DO ANY OF US WANT? Throughout this book I was terrified that J would turn out to be an AI, but his actual backstory basically broke my heart, as did the reveal of Romy’s history. I really wish her mother had survived, and I would like to see more of her in Romy’s memories or maybe in the logs/archives now that Romy might be open to looking into them. I would love to see her asking Molly about them, or reading/watching her parents’ reports or journals as she builds a new world with Issac. I also want to know about Issac Evans. Who is he? What happened with him and J? Will he and Romy be MFEO, or simply besties who raise babies? What are the other adults on the ship like? Does Romy find a different person to love? Is it a girl? I’d also LOVE LOVE LOVE to see Romy’s life from the POV of an Earth dweller. You see, DYW, I am a huge fan of several family vlogs; there are babies I have watched grow up via the internet, and I am DEEPLY invested in their lives. NASA would be crazy not to have gotten the world to rally around baby Romy, and some of them probably still read her fics. That’s the thing, though, this book includes her fic, and imaging fic from 2067 makes me want to see more of their social media, and to know how it affected this next group of astronauts. Also, since it turns out that J lied about the war and the collapse of the world’s governments, I’d love to see what the world is actually like. What else is NASA doing? Does the entire world freak out when they find out what happened with Romy and J, or only Molly? Who is Molly? Did she suspect J based on how well she knows Romy? I have a need to know.

 That is it, oh Yuletide Author, way too many of my thoughts about Alternate Worlds, most of them infested by the undead. As I’ve said, I would be happy with stories that feature the characters I requested, or that don’t at all, but unless mentioned I’m not crazy about canon-alternatives.

[zdbztumble]

Widespread Headcanons I am Curious About, Confused By, or Respectfully Disagree With

To stave off boredom at work, I’ve been plowing through one-shots on FF.net and the backlogs of sites like this, and I’ve noticed certain headcanons that have gained a lot of acceptance, to the point where you could almost call them an institutionalized fan canon. Some intrigue me, others don’t quite jive with my own thoughts, but either way, I’m lookin’ for something to talk about. So here are some thoughts, and if you have your own on the topic, respond or drop a line!

Gary calls Misty “Red”: File this under the “curious/confused” category (how would you even disagree with a fictional nickname?) In fan fiction, fan art, fan comics, headcanons, parodies, incorrect quotes, and blurbs, over many years, multiple countries of origin, and highly divergent opinions about these characters’ futures, people have Gary use this nickname. Not a bad one for Misty, all things considered. I’m mostly curious as to where it came from and how it got such traction. It isn’t as if these two had any real interaction on the show, after all.

Misty despises being Gym Leader and wants out OR Misty is so happy as Gym Leader it becomes her life’s work: I see the former far more often than the latter, but either way, here’s the first point of disagreement. I’m not sure why this has to be considered an either/or thing. In my experience, it’s not uncommon to be simultaneously happy and unhappy about a given set of circumstances. For example: when I went abroad for graduate school, I was happy to be studying something I love, making new friends, and living in a country I always wanted to go to...but I was also extremely unhappy being so far away from everyone I love and dealing with a program with serious structural and organizational problems. I imagine Misty being much the same way: happy and proud of how good a job she’s done as Gym Leader, but also unhappy that she can’t travel anymore and “homesick” for her place in Ash’s party. (I should add that some fan works treat this as a gradual thing; that she’d be happy at first but eventually become disillusioned, and that’s a more believable scenario IMO.)

Misty pines for Ash 24/7: You see this coupled with the “hates the gym life” one a lot. There is a certain melancholy to that when done right that appeals to the Romantic (in the classical sense of the term) in me, but I don’t see that as her style. To go back to my own life examples: while in graduate school, I thought about the people back home every day. I didn’t think about them all the time every day, and I didn’t actively dwell on missing them that often. I couldn’t; I had shit to do! While I headcanon that Misty never gets over Ash, never enters a serious relationship back in Cerulean, and never gives up hope for something with Mr. Pokemon Master...he probably crosses her mind every day, but he doesn’t consume it, and she’s more than capable of going about her day-to-day without pangs of regret or longoing. (Again, some fics/art/etc. have her in this state only when she’s having a bad day, or some event triggers it, or as a gradual progression, and that’s a better angle to take IMO.)

Misty is jealous of May/Dawn/Iris: (Can you guess yet which character is in most of the stuff I’ve been reading?) We know from the show that Misty is the jealous type (as is Ash), but she only gets jealous when there’s clear provocation. She and Ash run into female CotDs about their age or younger quite often, and she never bats an eye. It takes a cheeky kiss (no pun intended) or a lovesick fire freak to get Misty’s blood boiling, and since May, Dawn, and Iris never made any moves on Ash, I can’t see her having any issues with them. (This is also why I can’t see her getting along with Serena, at least not at first. They’d come to peace and be friendly toward each other eventually, of course, but it’s hard for me to imagine them as super close, though I have seen that angle done well.)

Gary and Ash become close again: “Close” here meaning “akin to traveling companion status close.” We know these two were friends as little kids and reconciled during Johto, but they have gone in separate directions, and Gary was never intimately involved in Ash’s travels. They’re friends, yes, and if they cross each others’ paths, they’ll catch up...but I don’t imagine that, if one of them is in Kanto, they go out of their way to see if the other is there too, or regularly keep in touch.

Togepi thinks of Pikachu as a big brother: Given the relationship Pikachu has with Ash, I think it’s likelier - and funnier - that Togepi saw Pikachu as an uncle.

Brock is actively involved in Ash and Misty’s feelings for each other: I’ve written about this one before. Basically, of the many characters who guessed/asked/teased/insinuated/accused Ash and Misty of being “that way” toward each other, Brock was not one of them. Now technically, this is due to the high point of that subplot occurring during the Orange League, and said subplot then stalling in Johto, so there was never anything for Brock to comment on until towards the end of Misty’s tenure (which he didn’t). But I just can’t imagine him goading either of them about it, or being someone that either could easily confide in on this topic; it’d just be too awkward. And I even think it’s funny to imagine that the would-be Valentino might miss the obvious budding attraction occurring right under his nose, the one everyone else picked up on.

Every travelling companion ends up with someone: I suppose one could debate the line separating shipping from headcanon, but this is more a point of curiosity than disagreement. As I’ve said in the past, I’m a sucker for romance when it’s there, but I’m not much of a proactive shipper (with certain obvious exceptions), and it’s surprising to me how big a part of the Pokemon fandom it is. The curiosity is - why? Why, in a certain school of thought, does every one of the main cast members need to be tied to someone? Why can’t Cilan grow up to be always officially single, but with the suspicion that he might be seeing someone privately and you’re never sure just what his deal is, and you’d never ask because it’s none of your business? Why can’t Iris stay wild and free and completely divorced from romantic attraction? Why can’t Dawn, for all her other talents, be sh*t outta luck in trying to get a boyfriend? These other options aren’t necessarily my headcanons (well, the Cilan one is), and they’re not any more valid than the “everyone pairs up” school of thought, but it’d be fun to hear some thoughts as to why we don’t see more alternatives, or if there are and I just haven’t come across them.

Every travelling companion, and Ash, eventually reaches their stated dream: I’ve (indirectly) written about this one before too. I can’t imagine that every single member of the cast ends up achieving their dreams exactly the way they wanted, and unless TPC ever cares to explain more about just what the Pokemon Master is, I can’t picture Ash winning the title either. Now, lest you call me a cynic, that doesn’t mean I imagine all these kids as failures either. Some might achieve their initial dreams; others (like Brock) may find something else to catch their passion and pursue that with success. Some might be perpetually on the journey, never the destination, and at least one might end up with a disappointing lot in life. But none would have any regrets for where they end up.

I’m sure there are more out there, but this’ll do for now. Again, feel free to chime in!