#i was all set to go i had broken down the 45 thousand things i have to do into manageable steps

[superfluouskeys]

this class is such a shitshow lol

[blazehedgehog]

A Eulogy for my Playstation 4 Pro

So since I was a brain genius who decided to transfer all my fundraiser money to my bank account on a weekend, let's have a little eulogy for my poor Playstation 4 Pro.

I bought it in 2017 after a hellish move from Colorado to Nevada. We'd lived in Colorado for 26 years, and rented the same house for 24 of those years. I literally grew up in that house. Then our landlords got greedy (as all landlords eventually do), almost tripled our rent, and we had to move.

One of the last things I did before I packed up my computer was release The Definitive Way to Play Sonic Adventure on Youtube. That video was a modest success, but it had a secondary effect where a no-commentary gameplay video I'd uploaded for the fangame Sonic Utopia got picked up by the algorithm as a result, and that video suddenly took off like wildfire. I found myself sitting on a pair of videos that were about to pull in close to a combined 3 million views. It was the most I'd had a video blow up in a very long time.

I was now flush with a few thousand dollars of cash that I could do whatever I wanted with. That was great, as I got to help cover some moving expenses. I gave my Mom some money, I paid one of the deposits on our new apartment, paid to fix some stuff that got broken in the move, I bought myself a new desk, new computer chair, some storage shelves, a new bed frame, and still had about $700 left to spare. So I bought a PS4 Pro and a small handful of games (The Nathan Drake Collection, Yakuza Kiwami, The Last of Us Remastered, and Parappa the Rapper Remastered, I think). It was the first true next-generation console I'd bought in 11 years -- I'd had a Wii U, but that doesn't count.

Within that first year, I'd already run into my first problem with that Playstation 4. Back in the Xbox 360 era, I had a moment in my life where I was a psychopath that was running a media server off my PC. Every morning I'd wake up, download everything my Youtube subs had posted the day before, along with whatever GiantBomb had uploaded that day, and threw it up on the media server. The 360 could see the server, and those downloads would basically become my background noise for the day. I watched the entire GiantBomb Persona 4 Endurance Run that way: on the 360, through my media server. For context, these were the days before there was any way to watch Youtube on a television. There was no app. Youtube was just a website. So the Media Server was what I had to do to see Youtube on another screen.

In the move out to Nevada, I'd bought a cheap 32GB USB thumbdrive from the back-to-school section at Wal-mart and filled it full of movies and videos and stuff. With the PS4 set up, I plugged that thumbdrive in and tried out the PS4's media player capabilities, hoping it worked like the Xbox 360.

It did... for about 45 minutes. In the middle of watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie the media player suddenly crashed and refused to see the USB thumbdrive anymore. I reached down to pull it out only to find it was almost too hot to touch. I might have actually dropped the thumbdrive because it shocked me just how hot it was. I have never felt a piece of electronics be that hot before.

For the rest of that day, that USB port was dead. Nothing you plugged into it would be recognized. Eventually, it finally started working with controllers, but it never accepted any other thumbdrives, ever.

After about three years, I started to notice recordings were starting to get a little weird. Clips I'd record of my Fortnite matches would have huge 2-3 second chunks go missing, or the encoding would corrupt and smear. But then it went away, so I figured maybe it was just a problem with the game and not the console. It'd come back every now and then, maybe once a year, but it only ever happened with Fortnite, and only occasionally.

About a year and a half ago, I started to notice something else weird. Unless there was a specific game I needed to play for work stuff (like Sonic Frontiers or whatever), my PS4 was mostly just a Fortnite machine, and mainly because the PC version of Fortnite is a disaster.

But for months I'd left a disc in my PS4's disc drive. I think it was probably Balan Wonderworld or something, and as I booted up Fortnite for my daily founder's mission rewards, I noticed a sound. I'd been hearing it on and off for a while, but now I was finally paying attention to it. I realized: the console was sitting there scanning the disc, over and over and over, like it couldn't read it. I'd hear the disc motor spin up, the soft click-click-click as the read head scanned for data. It'd spin down, spin up, click-click-click, whirrrrrr, click-click, spin down, spin up, etc. Over and over. It'd do this for a good 30-45 seconds, then finally settle down and identify the disc.

The first time I noticed this, I ejected the Balan disc and put in something else; I think it was Dreams. PS4 read the disc instantly. I shrugged, figured maybe the Balan disc was just cursed and didn't think anything of it.

About a week later, I caught it doing it with the disc for Dreams. And then Sonic Frontiers. Then Sonic Superstars. Pretty much any disc I'd put in there. As the months wore on, it started taking multiple minutes for it to identify the disc.

A few weeks before it died, I ended up taking the disc out and basically resigning myself to only putting a disc in if I was going to play it, and removing that disc the moment I was done, because that scanning process seemed like it was making the problem worse.

A few months before it died, I got a full hardware crash on the console. The error code it gave me pointed to a hardware failure, but a google revealed that it was a generic error code that could mean literally anything. Right around this time, the video corruption in my Fortnite recordings came back around. I had a feeling it was the HDD.

Thus began the saga of trying to replace my PS4's HDD. I knew it could take SSDs, so I did some research, saved up $100, and bought a 2TB SSD that was compatible with the console. Followed Sony's official instructions on replacing the HDD, and...

It didn't work.

I vowed to get my money back and order a different HDD, but prices went up and realizing the other mounting problems with this machine (including the fried USB port), and my general mood overall, I just kept the money and figured I'd ride or die until the machine breathed its last.

8 months later... it refused to boot up at all.

Rest in piece, king. The only other console I've ever had straight up die on me like this was my Xbox 360, and if I'm being honest, I kind of smothered that poor boy a little bit hoping to get a sturdier console back from the repair center.

(I did not, but that's a story for another day.)

[lindajenni]

jan 12

familiar friday - the pursuit of God

"when gideon came to the jordan, he and the three hundred men who were with him crossed over, exhausted but still in pursuit." judges 14:14 i had a dear friend write me the other day.  she is a fairly recent friend but one that has entered my heart with the warmest of welcomes.  she wrote me the other day about one of the dailies i had written.  it was just a short note commenting about it's content. since i am relaying her message anonymously, i feel safe in repeating it here.  "beautiful, linda. always, just beautiful. how could anyone every read these tributes and not want to know the Jesus YOU KNOW????" i do not repeat this in any way to try to lift up myself.  i only want all of you to know, "this is indeed my mission ... to make you want to know the Jesus I KNOW".  He has at last become the greatest desire of my heart.  for years i wandered around in the dark.  for years i ignored His gentle tugs at my heart and sought to find happiness in things transient and unfulfilling.  but He was always there, waiting to greet me as the Father did the prodigal son.  not just waiting, but rushing out to greet him and celebrate his return.  yes, he was returning; returning from the filth and squalor the world had finally driven him to.  it is the only outcome that can be in a heart that has not prepared a place for our Lord. "the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."  john 10:10  he will entice you with pleasures, fame and fortune.  he may grant you these for awhile.  he offered our Lord the kingdoms of the world if He would just bow down to Him.  it would truly be a foolish heart to give what he could never lose for that which he could never keep. i love the book "the pursuit of God" by aw tozer.  we are all in the pursuit of God.  our God has set it up this way.  "truly You are God, who hide Yourself, o God of israel, the savior!"  isa 45:15 it is like the verse from a poem i know.  "take heart and let the thought of God allure you further on."  our pursuit of knowing Him can be a most fulfilling task in itself.  ah, but the finding.  shall we ever know the finding of all that He is?  eternity will not be long enough for such a task.  all the goodness, all the holiness, all the love, all the many perfect things that make Him God.  the pursuit - yes it is worth it; worth it a thousand times over to me.  "there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."  deut 4:29 if you've never felt the release of all the shame and guilt and hopelessness, it is there waiting for you.  often it is at the rock bottom.  we often have to reach the end of ourselves.  from the bottom there is no place to look but up and up is where He is.  "a broken and a contrite heart — these, o God, You will not despise."  psa 51:17 do i want you to know this God i love and serve also?  with all my heart.  would that my heart extended to the lengths the apostle paul's did, but it does not.  "for i could wish that i myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh."  yes, i love you but i am in the pursuit of my God and i will not let go.  follow not me.  follow Him! i leave you with this invitation and warning from the word of God.  "know the God of your father, and serve Him with a loyal heart and with a willing mind; for the Lord searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts.  if you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever."  1 chron 28:9 i pray you will begin your pursuit today.  if you already have, intensify it.  seeking and finding will be one's reward over and over again.  try as we might, we can't never out give God.

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Fancy Paper Napkins

because doesn’t everybody eat their fancy meals with fancy paper napkins ...

Our Moments: Chapter 1: Five Words (post-Leonard Betts) Chapter 2: Sidebar Nonsense (post-Memento Mori) Chapter 3: Interim (floating somewhere around Unrequited) Chapter 4: Max 2.0 (post-Tempus Fugit/Max) Chapter 5: Shadowed Grey Eyes Chapter 6: The Warmest Thing I Own Chapter 7: Fancy Paper Napkins @today-in-fic

&&&&&&&&&&

He actually slept, his mind calm, until he heard her whispering in his ear, “what are you cooking and when will it be ready?”

Opening his eyes, he saw hers staring at him, awake and bright, “what?”

“I’m hungry and I saw the crockpot plugged in.”

He broke into a grin, more from her proximity than anything else and forcing himself not to look at her mouth, not to think of that kiss, “mushrooms. Garlicy, buttery mushrooms that have been slow cooking in the crockpot,” looking over her head at the clock, “for four hours.” Sitting up quickly, “shit. I have to go stir them.”

Rolling off the bed, he disappeared down the hall, Scully close behind, “they won’t burn.”

“I’ll feel better when I see for myself.” Finally in the kitchen, he opened the crockpot, stirred with the big spoon, and glad to see the mushrooms soft and unburned, offered Scully a taste. Refusing with an, ‘I’d like to wait for dinner,’ he nodded towards the fridge, “go grab the steak, would you?”

They ate like civilized people, at the kitchen table, forks, knives, fancy paper napkins …

… “I refuse to use cloth ones because they’re too damn hard to clean.”

… “Did I say anything?”

… “No.”

… “Then why are you arguing at me?”

and a bottle of not-so-cheap wine Mulder found in his travels through Scully’s cupboards.

“I shouldn’t drink this.”

“Will it lower your inhibitions? Will you sweep off the coffee table and dance on it if I wave a bunch of ones at you? Will you tell me all your secrets?”

She couldn’t keep her hand from shaking as she poured them both glasses, “mostly I’m thinking that it’ll make me fall asleep even early that I probably would have already.”

Ignoring the tremor, “as long as you stay awake enough for ice cream.”

“I will do my best.”

She made it through half the steak, a bowl of mushroom, and three spoons of mashed potatoes, before finally giving in, trading her plate for Mulder’s empty, who continued to eat without pause. Watching him, she had to smile, “thank you.”

“For finishing your food? No problem.”

Not able to articulate at that particular moment that she was actually thanking him for a thousand things at once, she simply agreed, wondering if he’d figure it out on his own, “yeah, I wouldn’t want it to go to waste.”

Giving her a grin, he finished her food, then stood, “give me ten minutes to do dishes and put everything away, then we’ll argue about movies.”

“Let me load the dishwasher, at least. You won’t do it right and I’ll just have to redo it when you’re not looking.” Standing as well, she bumped hips with him as she walked past, “save me the trouble.”

Twisting up his leg, he hit her on the butt with his stocking foot, “smartass.”

They finally settled on several movies but still sitting on the couch, facing a blank TV and a window with a sunset just beginning to tint the room pink, Mulder gently poked her in the side, “how’re you doing?”

Feeling the urge to move, to take advantage of feeling okay for the moment, “I think I’d like to go for a walk.”

Up immediately, he leaned in, kissing the tip of her nose, “any destination in mind?”

“Just … around.”

“Around it is.”

&&&&&&&&&

Warm enough to wander without jackets, they headed out her front door and turned left, bare arm brushing bare arm as they walked. They didn’t say much, commenting on scurrying squirrels here, a cute cat in the window there, Mulder catching a waywardly stumbling child tripping past, “geez, if I had known we were going to be experiencing a Norman Rockwell painting, I would have combed my hair and put on a clean shirt.”

Her laughter hit his ears like his favorite song and reaching over, he took her hand, never asking, never letting go as they circled and turned, ambled and veered. She didn’t argue, her thin, cool fingers enjoying his warmth.

But even on her best days lately, she gave in quicker than she’d have liked, 45 being the magic number of minutes she lasted until, “I think I’m ready for some ice cream.”

Giving her hand a squeeze, “ice cream it is. What kind should we start with?”

Discussion ensued and by the time they were in their pajamas, they’d settled on dark fudge and peanut butter swirl to begin with. Two spoons dove in, two spoons sampled, occasionally Scully would pull her loaded spoon out and looking at Mulder, found his mouth wide open, waiting expectantly.

And by God, she fed him.

The first time felt a little weird but by the third time he did it, she was laughing, “can you not feed yourself fast enough?”

“Nope.”

That was good enough for her.

Once the gorging finished, they’d had at least one spoonful out of each carton Mulder had bought, six in all, the flavors running the gambit and Scully full and happy and sleepy. “Are you going to be able to sleep with all that sugar in your system?”

Mulder grinned, chocolate rimming his lips, “if not, I’ll have a TV to keep me company while you drool all over your pillow.” A relieved sigh, one she didn’t know she was holding, escaped, and Mulder cocked his head, suddenly worried, “y’a’right?”?”

And deciding there was no reason not to tell him, “I think I was nervous you were going to go home tonight and,” another sigh, this one embarrassed, “it’s been a really nice day and if you went home, it would be over and,” slight wobbly smile appearing, “I don’t want it to be over just yet.”

Knowing something funny was in order, he raised an eyebrow in her direction, “is that some veiled attempt at asking me to move in here?”

Her smile steadied, “just go start the movie.”

&&&&&&&&&

Midnight rolled around and even though Scully had given in and gone to bed, Mulder was still awake and indeed watching TV, some cooking show he’d never admit to enjoying but enjoyed nonetheless. The sound was off and suddenly, the quiet of the darkened apartment was broken by Scully calling from the bedroom, “Mulder?”

It didn’t sound like a nightmare which, in his mind, could only mean she needed help. Jogging down the hall, he was in her doorway a second later, “yeah? You okay?”

Still laying down, she met his nervous gaze, her own a unique brand of terrified confusion, “am I still here?”

Immediately walking to the other side of the bed, he crawled under the covers, his hand meeting her cheek after she rolled over to face him, “yeah. You’re right here, in your bed.” When her terror didn’t fade, he continued, quieter, moving to meet her forehead with his, “you’re with me, in your apartment,” hand moving to the back of her neck, “whatever you dreamt wasn’t real.”

“It will be.” Feeling the bed shake as she hitched a silent sob, she managed a cracked whisper, “I don’t want to die.” Her fingers ran over his cheek, his ear, “I don’t want to go anywhere without you.”

The tear escaped before he could blink it away but he kept the others in, reservoir full but holding, “we’re gonna beat this. I guarantee it.”

She couldn’t bring herself to believe him anymore and she couldn’t keep up the lie at this hour, “you don’t know that.”

“But I choose to believe it.” Hand in her hair by now, he pulled her close enough that their noses were smushed together and eyelashes tangled, “I need to believe it.”

Maybe she could pretend a little more after all, “do you believe enough for both of us?”

“I believe enough for this whole damn world. You should know that by now.”

She could only nod against him, bringing their mouths to millimeter distances but refraining, crippling fear not a good enough reason to cross the line between them, “can you stay right here with me, tonight?”

He crossed it for them, a quick brush of lips, a quick nuzzle of noses, “I won’t move until you do.”

“I don’t want you to leave me alone.”

Both knew the translation of that:

I don’t want to die alone.

&&&&&&&&

The next morning, Scully opened her eyes to find Mulder still sharing her pillow, not touching anymore but close enough to have him blurry in front of her instead of clear. For five seconds, she forgot her world and felt warm fuzzies chasing through her, up and down her spine, settling low.

Then, reality set in with a resounding thud.

Pulling back, she sat up, turning quickly so he wouldn’t see the tears racing down her face. Neither could ignore the echoing sob, however and Mulder, already half-awake, sat up, confusion clearing in a heartbeat as he slid across the mattress, arm around her front, hugging her back to his chest. Kissing her neck and that hated, fucking scar, “we’re gonna win. I swear to God, we’re gonna win.”

And they cried together.

[hertzwritings]

Woodland

A/N: These quarantine-times have made me unbelievably horny for literally anything – but mostly Negan and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. That man can get it.

Anyway, here’s a one-shot I’ve had floating around my brain for a while – I hope you’ll like it! Remember, feedback feeds the writer!

MASTERLIST

Jeffrey Dean Morgan masterlist

Feedback/taglists/requests

Pairings: Negan x reader

Warnings: smut, p in v, unprotected sex (wrap your willies before you do the dillies), oral (male receiving), use of daddy, mentions of weapons, language, so much smut, honestly, zombies, slight dom/sub, a smidgen of knifeplay if you look really hard

 You quickly took the clip out of your gun, glanced at it and put it back with a satisfying click. You might not survive the night, based on the amount of bullets you had left, but at least you got ASMR’ed by the .45, you currently called your best friend.

The woods around you were silent. Spring was setting in, the days getting lighter and the nights shorter, while the woods started to finally gain some color other than muddy brown – it made you feel lighter, airier somehow. Maybe it was the smell of dew on grass, maybe it was the scent of wildflowers.

You had been sitting in a safe camp for a few hours. Lookout-duty wasn’t the most fun, but someone needed to do it, to keep the area clear and the people safe. It was a few hours less sleep, your life on the line… But whatever, at least you didn’t have to cook.

A branch cracked somewhere behind you. You whipped around, leaves crunching under your boot – you barely moved a muscle, keeping your gun outstretched in case of a small horde coming through. It would surprise you, someone would’ve called you on the walkie, if a horde was moving in your direction, but something could’ve gone wrong. Maybe it was just one. If so, you wouldn’t waste a bullet.

The thing you hated the most about being alone in the woods, was the fact that sounds seemed to travel around you. You never really knew if a broken branch came from behind you, the side, whatever, because sound just traveled differently in the forest.

Which was the reason for you getting caught with a knife on your throat without getting a chance to defend yourself.

“You should really learn to look around you, doll.” Fucking Negan. You sighed and rolled your eyes, shimmying out of his grip, trying to ignore the slight heat going to your center from the feeling of the cold steel against your throat. “You should learn not to sneak up on people, Negan.” He cocked an eyebrow and smiled that fucking smile. He knew what he was doing, that shithead. It wasn’t the first time. You and Negan had a special relationship, that very much started off as pure hatred. What was the saying? Hate and lust is a knife-edge-balance?

“where’s the fun in that?” his voice was like melted chocolate in a cookie. Every part of you wanted to jump his goddamn bones, but you refused to give him the satisfaction. “Now, what are you doing out here… All alone?” he was almost predatory in his tone. You twitched and heat gathered in your core, as he took a step towards you, leaves crunching under his boot. Fucking hell, he was hot.

“What do you think, I’m doing? I’m on guard-duty until sun-down.” He chuckled, warm caramel running through your veins. “What are you doing here?” You asked. You couldn’t help but notice the way he shifted at your tone – it might have been a little sassier than normal but fuck it. He wasn’t on goddamn guard-duty, he was on tomato-duty.

“What do you think, sweetheart? I’m here to fuck you right the hell up. Your alone, we’re far away from people, and I sure as fucking hell am going to use this goddamn perfect situation to my benefit.” He stepped closer to you yet again, your heart hammering a thousand miles a minute. “Unless you’re not ready to take this per-fucking-fect opportunity in your hands…” his hand was on your arm, goosebumps rising where his calloused fingers glided along your exposed skin.

“Fuck you.” You said, acutely aware of the wetness collecting between your legs. 

He cocked his eyebrow again and smirked, grapping you by the hair in a move, that went faster than you could react to. An involuntary moan escaped your lips, which caused him to move even closer to you. You could feel his cock straining against his black jeans.

“Knees, Y/N.” his voice was barely above a whisper, but it had all the authority – you could do nothing but obey, what he asked, and you slid to your knees, silently thanking yourself for bringing a blanket to cover the cold, hard ground.

You were in perfect height for him, when you were on your knees. He praised you for it often, being in perfect cock-sucking height, and he used it frequently. Not that you minded at all. Your skin was on fire, molten lava running through your veins, and you tried to create a smidgen of friction between your legs to alleviate the burning sensation of lust and wetness, that had begun to pool.

He didn’t say anything, but simply opened his pants and you took over, pulling them down – his cock sprung out, already hard as anything, dripping slightly with precum. His hand was still in your hair, pulling softly – you moaned again, and his cock twitched in response. “Y/N… Suck my dick. Now.” He gave gruff orders, but you obeyed without question.

You wrapped your lips around the head of him, relishing in the warmth and the familiar taste of Negan, going deeper and deeper, until his head hit the back of your throat, causing a muffled gag to sound in the otherwise silent forest. He moaned and cocked his hips, forcing himself deeper. Your eyes watered, but you loved it – your hands wrapped around his hips, steadying yourself, as he started to fuck your mouth. You could feel every vein, every twitch of his cock in your mouth, spit dripping from your chin… You loved every second of it. He was moaning and swearing, grapping your hair even harder, pulling you a little higher. Your pussy was throbbing with need and you whined against him, silently begging for some sort of release. He stopped his attack on your mouth and glanced at you, half panting, half moaning, and smirked down at you. “You want daddys dick, huh?” you nodded, whimpering again. You didn’t know who you were in his hands, but you were complete putty.

He pushed you – gentler than you had expected – down, so you laid down on your back on the ragged blanket, you had brought, and made very quick work of your jeans. Normally, he’d keep his pace, teasing your breasts as well, but not today. You were both to impatient for that shit.

“Fuck, Y/N…” he moaned as he saw how wet you were. He didn’t waste a second, before plunging two fingers in you, pumping in and out – you moaned loudly, grapping his dick and fondled his balls – eh groaned in pleasure and his fingers curled. You arched your back, the molten lava in your veins gathering in your lower belly, heating the coil of pleasure, building there. He knew you were close. “You wanna fucking cum for me, Y/N?” he whispered, his fingers assaulting every single sense you had. He added a third fucking finger, making your legs twitch and your hand, that was currently trying to give him a handjob, stilled in its movement. He curled his fingers up, hitting that fucking spot. “Fuck, Negan!” You were so close, every nerve in your body burning. “Ask.” His voice was harsh but soft at the same time – almost like he was trying to lure a wounded animal to him. “Fuck, Negan, fuck, can I cum?” he chuckled at your desperate tone. “Cum for me, Y/N.”

And just like that, your body released everything. You back arched, your thighs twitched, and you could feel how much you gushed over his hand. He moaned and his cock in your hand twitched at the sight of you cumming. He didn’t waste a second.

You were still coming down, when he scooted himself down, laid on top of you and without hesitating, he was in you. He bottomed out, stretching you completely, while you mewled and tried desperately tried to claw at anything within reach. “You want me to fuck you, Y/N?” you could feel his control slipping slightly – he was shaking, desperate to move, just as much as you wanted him to. “Fuck, yes.” You breathed your response before quickly stretching your neck – your lips met his in a flurry of emotion and fireworks blasting off all over your body. He groaned against your lips, biting your bottom lip, before drawing out of you, almost fully, before hammering back in. he kissed you like he was a drowning man gasping for air, as his hips rolled and his cock filled you to the brim, gliding against every inch of you. It felt like heaven. You moaned against his lips, his tongue expertly sliding against yours, wrestling for dominance, while he fucked you to oblivion.

You were so close. White hot pleasure ran through your body, enveloping you completely in his heat, in the moment, in feeling his cock hitting your g-spot over and over. Your legs wrapped around his hips on their own, while you kissed him like your life depended on it.

He angled his hips differently and you combusted.

Your lips left his, as you screamed his name – he fucked you harder, forcing your orgasm to keep going, flames licking every inch of you, as your pussy clenched around him.

He haltered, before going harder than ever. Your orgasm slid into another, as he chased his own, growling loudly as the sound of skin against skin and your wetness filled the air around you.

You searched for his lips, kissing every inch of exposed skin you could reach, and as you reached his throat, you bit it harshly.

He was gone. He came with a roar, forcing himself deeply inside you, painting your walls white as your pussy milked him for everything he had.  

As you both came down, he rested his forehead on yours, a soft and surprisingly not Negan move. He was shivering (or maybe you were) and kissed you gently, before softly pulling out of you. He grinned at the sight of his cum slowly ebbing out of you, and you squirmed under his gaze.

You quickly got your pants back on, got up and kissed him. He kissed back, surprised by the gesture – you left his lips with a smile.

“What’s your damage, sweetheart?” he murmured, a hand softly in your hair. The familiar growl and snarl from the walkers sounded somewhere behind him. You grabbed your gun and smiled at him.

“My only damage is finding you so goddamn attractive.” He grinned and grabbed his gun, while you cocked your own, standing next to him, shoulder to shoulder.

“I suppose we’ve got some fucking talking to do, when we’re done here, huh?” you grinned at him, just as a walker came out from the thick woods.

[kateis-cakeis]

A Dramatic Retelling of L’Manberg’s History

Once upon a time there was a wonderful place called L’Manberg.

What would one day be nothing but a smoking crater waiting to be rebuilt into something else, something new… started out as a humble van on the outskirts of the Dream SMP’s occupied lands.

The Camarvan, the hto dog van, whatever you want to call it, stood proud on a sliver of land, amongst the grass and sand, with a crafting table sitting in front of it, and a land marked forever by a man of the name Wilbur.

What started out as a simple quest to confiscate brewing stands and any potions drugs in order to create rising demand to reap the rewards, became something so much more. Perhaps even unbelievable to all those involved at the time.

It occurred shortly after the Disc War, this. And when a man of the law, Sapnap, realised that Wilbur and his accomplice, a child, Tommy, were actually making drugs in the Camarvan, Sapnap cracked down on them. Killing Tommy on the spot.

Henceforth, a dream was formed. Of a place where men could go and emancipate the tyranny of their rulers. A place where they could make drugs in their Camarvan in peace. With tilled ground that was sacred, with walls being built to protect them, their values bold and strong. Even nature was to protected on their land.

Tubbo, Tommy’s best friend, joined their cause. Eret too, a man who would later take their great walls and build them even taller, even better. And finally, Fundy, Wilbur’s son, the person who was to be kept safe within their walls.

A place called L’Manberg, with a Camarvan in the middle, and Blackstone walls with yellow and black concrete protecting them.

But their peace did not last long, as in the very moment Wilbur wrote their Declaration of Independance, a book was delivered by Dream, the leader of the Dream SMP. The Declaration of War.

From that point onwards, L’Manberg would never be the same.

After hours of planning, of farming resources, the day of the war came. TNT cannons had been set around L’Manberg. Tommy was shot dead on the doorstep of the Camarvan. And the old Wilbur Soot was finally given armour to protect him.

You see, L’Manberg had another value. They did not fight wars with weapons or armour, they fought them with their words. Words that would never be valued by tyrants, and so the five of them had no choice but to fight.

Wilbur put Tommy in charge of their small army, and they went forth from tower to tower, arrows fired from both sides. Until… Dream’s people retreated, their arrows unable to go high enough to reach those who were firing upon them.

Eret… had a backup plan. To go home, and to go to his secret room, filled with weapons and armour, to at least give them all another chance. They went underground, sneaking along the floors to avoid detection.

All was well.

Until they made it to the room. All the chests were labelled, all were empty. A button lay in the middle of the room, and as Eret pressed it, the walls opened up and every single one of them was slain.

‘Down with the revolution, boys!’

Eret had betrayed.

With Tommy left angry, Wilbur left shocked, and Tubbo and Fundy unable to provide any supplies nor words, it was all coming to a close very quickly.

With one final stand at the entrance of L’Manberg, a single TNT block was placed. ‘Independence or death’. And in that moment, the TNT was lit, and with arrogance, Wilbur told his people to stand back, to avoid it hurting them. Little did they know that L’Manberg had been rigged, and now… the Camarvan and part of their land had been left in ruins.

Wilbur grabbed the Declaration of Independance, and Tommy led them down into a secret hole he had made in the event of an escape. Right to a room of obsidian, to keep them safe. ‘Any last words?’.

Tommy shouted at Dream, screamed, asking for a battle. A 1v1, half a heart, bow and arrows. And so they went to the path down by a river, and made their stand. Wilbur counted down. ‘Ten paces, fire!’. And Tommy died once again, felled by an arrow.

The deal? If Tommy lost, L’Manberg’s independence was over. If Dream lost, L’Manberg would have its independence.

Hopeless… broken… exhausted… The people of L’Manberg returned home, but Tommy did not go with them, not yet at least.

And then… he returned, with their independence. Confused and lost, his fellows asked what had happened. How could this be? But Tommy had given Dream something that he dearly wanted, from a past war won. His discs.

He gave it all up for everything he believed in.

A new era was born, with the people of L’Manberg free. Eret was now the King of the Dream SMP, having betrayed his fellows for the promise of the title, land, and power. Wilbur refused to call him King.

In time, more joined them, and they lived well… for a while. Their flag was built, and houses were constructed outside the walls. All… was fine, great even.

Until the elections.

Wilbur sort more power, he wanted to create a one party system, assigning Tommy as his Vice President. With no one else on the ballot, they would surely win, and gain more power in their lands. But through arrogance, they spoke of their plans to Quackity, and quickly, he disagreed, putting himself down on the ballot.

After all, Wilbur was a threat to their democracy. ‘A single party? Are you kidding me?’.

With Quackity on the ballot and GeorgeNotFound as his Vice President, the die was cast. Wilbur and Tommy as POG2020, Quackity and George as SWAG2020. Two parties. But that didn’t last for long.

Fundy kept flipping between sides, hurting his father greatly, thus beginning a long conflict between Wilbur and his son. Eventually, Fundy formed COCONUT2020, and another name was forced by the people onto the ballot.

But that was not the end, as Wilbur’s endorsement, Jschlatt, did what could not be predicted. He ran for president too. And after a long night of death, after Schlatt got his hands on an axe and a gun, Schlatt too was put on the ballot and it was sent out to the people.

A day and two hundred thousand votes later, the results were announced. Fundy had committed voter fraud, and thus only got a small percentage of the vote, 9%, rather than the thousands he had hacked. Schlatt got 16%, SWAG2020 got 30%, and POG2020 got 45%. By all means, Wilbur and Tommy had won, they had retained control of their country but… it was not so simple.

As, on the night of the election, Quackity made a deal with Schlatt to pool their votes, no matter what. With that combined, they had 46% of the vote. They… had won.

Schlatt proceeded to make a speech. His first decree, ‘as the president of L’Manberg, the emperor!’, was to revoke Wilbur’s and Tommy’s citizenship. They were exiled from the very country they had created with their blood, sweat, and tears.

They ran through the forest, even further into lands unexplored and untamed by the Dream SMP. They dug into the land, blocking up the door with dirt. And… they mined into the rock, finding not one but two ravines! This… would be their new home.

Pogtopia.

Soon, Technoblade joined, a warring man, and a retired potato farmer. He was happy to join Pogtopia, because it was them against the world, against a tyrannical government! ‘Did someone say rebellion?’.

Tubbo, Secretary of State, was kept by Schlatt, but he was no loyal subject. He was a spy for Pogtopia. Fundy, who tore down the walls in front of his father, ‘the walls I built to keep him safe’, who burnt down the flag, ‘Fundy, you bastard!’, was not on Schlatt’s side either, but was instead keeping a detailed diary of his condition to one day show to his fellows, to show to his father in Pogtopia.

A festival… The Red Festival, if you will. A celebration of democracy. Only a couple of weeks after the election.

Tubbo built all the decorations. He wrote a speech, there were plans. So… so many plans.

Wilbur… only a week before, when the festival was announced… had realised something. He was the villain. He was trying to fight for something back that wasn’t his, not anymore, he had lost the election. His nation was far behind him.

‘Dream, I want to be your vessel’. There was one thing he could do. Killing Schlatt wouldn’t solve anything, he would just be replaced by Quackity, which could have been worse, and George was in line after that. Nothing would change. And if they took it back by force, they lost too. There was no way of winning–

Except… to blow it all up. Destroying it was a win in Wilbur’s eyes, because ‘I say, if we can’t have Manberg, no one! No one can have Manberg’.

The plan was set. Dream gave Wilbur the TNT and soon, the festival arrived. While Wilbur and Tommy hadn’t been invited, Techno was, and he was prepared with a crossbow and fireworks.

The festival was going well, until Tubbo’s speech. ‘Tubbo, I know what you’ve been up to’. The jig was up, Schlatt knew Tubbo was a spy for Pogtopia. Everything made sense! The tunnels that had been dug, him walking off during great events!

Techno was brought up to the stage, asked to take Tubbo out. Cracking due to mild peer pressure and the threat of twenty people slaying him if he disobeyed… ‘Tubbo, I’m sorry’. And with two firework rocket blasts, Tubbo, Quackity, and Schlatt lay dead.

Wilbur ran off to his room, to his button, to his TNT. Tommy threw a pearl, tried to attack Techno, failed, and stood where Tubbo had died, yelling his name. Techno, crazed with his power, turned on the audience and fired upon them, killing many. Voices in his head screaming, ‘Blood for the Blood God!’.

Unable to find the button, Wilbur ran home. L’Manberg got to live another day. Everyone returned to Pogtopia, a shaken Tubbo, an angered Tommy, a peer pressured Techno, and a blindsided Wilbur. Niki came to join them too, shaken up by the festival and by the revelation of TNT under Manberg.

Crazed by the idea to make Tommy and Techno fight – for his own entertainment – Wilbur created a pit. ‘It stays in the pit’. Techno won the fist fight against Tommy, repeating that their differences, that the anger stayed in the pit, not to be spoken about outside it.

‘The only universal language is violence’.

The TNT was an ever living threat, brought up by Wilbur at any given opportunity. He was going to blow it up. He was! The day after the festival, he took Quackity and Tommy to his room, L’Manberg’s anthem scribbled on the walls, alongside a button that was right in the middle.

He did not set it off that day. Quackity and Tommy pleaded, and it was agreed that Plan A would come first.

A meeting would be set up with Schlatt and they would end it there. If it went wrong, Plan B, Plan Bomb, would come into effect.

And soon, the meeting occurred. Quackity had written a building permit to trick Schlatt into signing Manberg over to him. It was all going so well, until Schlatt revealed that he knew the truth. That Manberg had been rigged with TNT. He claimed to have taken it, claimed to have put it under Pogtopia, but that was neither here nor there, as Wilbur went to the room while Tommy and Quackity were trying to trap Schlatt in the woods.

Suddenly scared to where exactly Wilbur was, they shouted and screamed, yelling out, trying to find where Wilbur had gone.

And Wilbur… pressed the button. Yet no hiss followed, the TNT was indeed gone. Panicked, he told Tommy and Quackity not to touch any buttons in Pogtopia, which had been filled with the things as a prank by Fundy.

When Wilbur returned home, he realised someone running through their tunnels, ‘It could be my traitor son!’. Fundy finally revealed what he had been doing this whole time, showing Wilbur his diary. Finally, they had their people back from Schlatt.

But the worst was yet to come. Dream joined, telling them that Schlatt had given him something, that he would be on his side henceforth, and finally, that there was a traitor within their ranks. Everyone pleaded their innocence, and trust was broken, but not enough to stop the incoming war.

The 16th of November. A month to the day after the festival.

For the next 10 days, people farmed on both sides. Netherite was acquired, enchantments were gotten, weapons were crafted, and Wilbur mined a double chest worth of sand.

The TNT plot was still in effect, except now, he needed more. Dream would get him the gunpowder, the TNT was assured.

Then… the day came.

It was just like the first war, with double the people. Except there was one notable difference… this was no freedom fighting revolution, this was a coup. Schlatt was a democratically elected leader, not individuals fighting for their independence.

Pogtopia and its allies went running in, firing upon Schlatt and his people. Mainly his people, as Schlatt went missing. They fought and fought, until Dream spoke up, asking to talk to Wilbur. Echoes to the past once again. Wilbur shouted out to his people, asking them to put their weapons down. Yet, he claimed he had no power over them. Still, they did so, and Dream led them into the ruins of the Camarvan (never rebuilt to its former glory after it had been blown up).

Schlatt was in the centre… dying. But not without arguing with Quackity and Fundy before his… time. At one point, it seemed as if Wilbur was going to stab him, or that Tommy was going to shoot him dead, but no… he simply died of a presumed heart attack or a stroke.

With their enemy gone, and Dream surrendering because Schlatt was an idiot, the war was won! The rebellion won! It had worked! Even though the odds were against them at first, they managed to come out on top.

Wilbur called on Tommy to be President, but instead, as he gave a speech, he rejected it. He was not done, not until he had his discs. So he called on Wilbur, and while he mentioned that the new obsidian flag had to be brought down, he declared that Techno had taught him something, that government was not the way to go, so Wilbur… called on Tubbo.

Tubbo would be the new President of L’Manberg. He gave a great speech, everything was going so well. They had won, it was over, it was finally over.

But Wilbur pulled away, claiming that he’d be right back. He climbed out of L’Manberg’s borders and went over the hill, into his room. The button room, with the anthem on the walls. ‘That there was a special place. There was’.

He was finally there. It was his moment… to finally press the button.

Then Philza walked into the room. ‘What are you doing?’. But while Phil, Wilbur’s dad, had a conversation with him, Phil’s mere presence alerted Techno to his side of the plan. He was the traitor, along with Wilbur. He killed Tubbo with his fireworks once again, and went off to kill Tommy too, alongside Dream.

Meanwhile, in the button room, Phil pleaded with Wilbur. But… his son was too far gone. It was time, he had been here too many times before, he had to do it now. He talked about what Eret had once said, a long time ago… ‘It was never meant to be’. And the button was finally pressed.

The hiss came.

Then the explosions followed.

Phil stared out in horror at the crater before them, the button room now an open window into the chaos caused by the TNT. Crystals were placed by Dream to cause more damage, and Techno went off to complete his part of the plan, trying his best to get his speech out with no interruption.

Wilbur triumphant, threw his sword over to Phil, asking him, begging him to kill him. But this was no sad set of words, it was just a man who wanted to be killed because the people wanted him to die. So the crowd watched. ‘You’re my son!’. Phil turned and killed him, and Wilbur began his long walk back to L’Manberg, warning Phil of the withers that were about to be spawned.  

Techno finished his speech, and two withers were spawned, destroying much more of the land. More TNT was set off, and L’Manberg was left in even more of a state.

‘I’ve won! We’ve won! Me and Technoblade’.

Wilbur left. The withers were killed. Tubbo proclaimed he would rebuild. And new members joined the lands of the Dream SMP.

L’Manberg wasn’t ended by the TNT, but the TNT did end another era of its life.

Who knows if it will retain that name. Who knows if it will ever truly be rebuilt into anything at all.

But what is known is that Schlatt’s Manberg died. Wilbur’s L’Manberg is long gone. And Tubbo’s L’Manberg is just the beginning.

It’s just the beginning.

[steebrogurz]

Jealousy  Ch 1. Worlds Collide

pairing: Sam x reader, Steve x reader

summary: You leave your life as a hunter and find work with the Avengers. What will happen when your past comes knocking on your door?

Word count: 1410

warnings: mentions of blood and death, 

a/n: thanks to everyone who liked the teaser that I put out earlier, but shout out to @oliviawestbay​ and @flmuseumgirl30 for reblogging! I really appreciate it. 

masterlist | series masterlist | chapter 2

Sleep never came easily to you. Most nights your dreams were filled with terrifying memories and suffocating images that left you gasping for breath, and Steve would be at your side rubbing your back and trying to get you to talk to him about it. But you always refused, shaking your head and promising that you were fine. You both knew that was a lie but you still insisted on dealing with it yourself. Tonight was different though. Instead of the usual nightmares from your past, your dreams were filled with a dark future where Steve never came back from a mission. 

Images of his shield stained with blood, and a black funeral attended by thousands haunted you. So you sat, curled up, in your favourite armchair, tucked away in the corner of your living room with a book trying to concentrate on the words in front of you as you reminded yourself it was only a dream. 

The squeal of tires against asphalt sounded in the distance and you frowned. The skin in the back of your neck prickled with adrenaline as you instinctively reached out to grip the .45 caliber colt resting on the small table beside you. You didn’t want to believe that you were hearing the familiar rumble of a 1967 Chevy Impala until the sound of car doors slamming shut sounded in your driveway and you jumped to your feet gripping your gun. 

You stood in silence for a few more seconds, the book lay forgotten at your feet, when a loud banging suddenly sounded at your front door. Before you could step forward to open the door Steve was at your side, shield in hand, wearing nothing but his boxers. No time to get dressed when someone is knocking down your door. You knew he didn’t miss the gun in your hand but he said nothing. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The banging sounded again, faster this time, more desperate and Steve put his arm out holding you behind him. “Y/N!” A voice shouted. “Y/N, I know you’re home, open up!” 

You froze at the voice before moving around Steve towards the door. “Wait,” he warned in a hushed tone, grabbing hold of your hand and pulling you back. “Don’t answer the door.”

You shook him off and continued to the door. “It’s fine, I know who it is.” You said as calmly as you could, while you knew who was on the other side of the door you were afraid of what state they would be in. Your heart hammered in your chest as you quickly unlocked the door and swung it open to find Sam and Dean Winchester standing in front you covered in dirt and blood. Dean stood, glassy eyed and limping, leaning on Sam for support, barely holding a dirty, blood soaked cloth to his neck while Sam struggled to keep both of them on their feet. It didn’t look like Sam had any life threatening injuries but you didn’t miss the way his left arm hung uselessly at his side.

“Get my kit!” You shouted to Steve as you quickly set your gun down and moved to Dean’s other side. You lead them further into your living room, gently lowering Dean onto your couch and pointing to the ottoman nearby for Sam to sit. 

“What the hell happened?!” You asked as soon as Steve was gone. Despite the amount of blood covering both brothers, it looked like Dean was the only one who was bleeding. You gently lifted the rag from Dean’s neck to find small puncture wounds marking his skin in the very obvious pattern of a human mouth. Luckily for him it was a superficial bite and would heal quickly.

“Vampires,” Sam groaned as he sat down holding his arm. “We were outnumbered,” He paused remembering what they had unknowingly walked into. “And they were working with witches.”

“What?” You turned to face Sam in shock hoping that what he had just told you was a lie, but the seriousness in his tone and on his face confirmed the truth. Before you could ask anymore questions Steve had returned with your med kit. “Don’t move.” You warned but Dean was already slipping in and out of consciousness, so you set to work disinfecting the wounds and closing the larger ones with a few stitches. By the time you were finished working on his neck he had passed out. You then moved on to his leg. Brandishing a pair of scissors you cut down the pant leg and gently probed the large bruise that was forming around his knee, and after concluding that nothing was broken and the bruise was in fact just a bruise you turned your attention to Sam. 

He sat with his arm still hanging at his side and judging by its angle, you guessed that his shoulder was dislocated. You moved to stand behind him and he winced at your touch. 

“Come on you big baby you’ve dealt with worse!” You couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corners of your lips. You were surprised at how easy it was for you to slip back into your rough, guarded personality around them. 

During your time as a hunter there was always something that hurt. Sometimes it was bruised knuckles from spending a little too much time with a punching bag and other times it was from almost having your heart ripped out by an angry ghost, either way that pain helped to remind you that you were alive. 

“Yeah, I’m just not used to it coming from you- AHH!” A quick twist of his shoulder and it popped back into place. You pulled a length of cloth from the kit and secured it around his shoulder keeping his arm in place and Sam let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks.”

You stepped back and took a deep breath glancing over at Steve who stood nearby watching the scene in front of him. In the chaos of mending the brothers you had almost forgotten that he was there and seeing him now in a plain grey t-shirt and sweatpants seemed to surprise you. “Oh Steve! This is Sam and his brother Dean.” You stepped forward and nodded to Dean who was still passed out on your couch. “They’re old friends.” You stated simply and Sam gave you a sharp look that made it clear to Steve there was more to your relationship with them than you were letting on.

Thankfully that was the moment Dean decided to wake up with a gasp and groan as his hand flew to the fresh bandage at his neck. He blinked a few times his eyes slowly roaming around the room as you returned to his side to test his responsiveness. “Has anyone ever told you that your boyfriend looks like Captain America?” Dean asked in a not-so-hushed voice as his gaze went from Steve to you.

“That’s because he is, dude.” Sam spoke up before Steve could, but you could only smile at their antics.

“You lost a lot of blood. You'll be fine but you might feel as though your head is going to implode.” You informed him gently patting his shoulder. “I’ll be right back with some juice and food for you.” Dean slowly nodded and you made your way to the kitchen with Steve following close behind.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked as soon as you were alone. “Who exactly are they? And what was that about witches?” 

Steve stood in the doorway with his arms crossed looking concerned and you suddenly felt at a loss for words. How could you explain to him the kind of past you had? About how death seemed to follow you wherever you went. 

“There are things in this world that you don’t know about. Things you haven’t seen before.” You pulled a handful of power bars from your cupboard. “I’ve done a lot of things in the past that I’m not proud of and that life is something I’ve been trying to put behind me.” You knew your vague explanation wasn’t going to satisfy him anymore but it had become instinct by that point.  

“We’ve all done things we’re not proud of Y/N.” Steve replied watching you move from the fridge to the cupboards in search of a large glass, but you only shook your head as if to say: You wouldn’t understand. 

[the-necessary-unnecessary]

hey, can you tell us a bit about racism in Spain? I'm incredibly uneducated about it, and I don't know much about Spanish history especially racism wise so it would be really nice to get an insight from you about it.

this is a big question, since Spain’s relationship with xenophobia dates back centuries and I’m neither the most qualified person to take you through it nor someone who has suffered from Spanish society’s racist tendencies. However I’ll try to piece a bit of something together and maybe other people can add on if there’s other stuff to include. Also, this is mainly Spanish history from a racism perspective, there are many other positive things in other areas that I haven’t included (patriota pero no mucho)

So basically, up until the 15th century, Spain (in its then form) was a relatively harmonious melting pot of different cultures. With the Roman invasion, settlements and a Visigoth takeover (Germanic population) thereafter, Christianity was pretty firmly established in the country/iberian peninsula by the 2nd Century AD. In 711 AD the Moors, who had control over Islamic Africa, invaded the peninsula and established a Caliphate named Al-Andalus which had a particular stronghold in the south: in Andalusia and their Córdoban capital. Rule was stronger or weaker depending on the region but largely Islamic rule was established and Jewish and Catholic people were treated as second class citizens. Córdoba became the wealthiest, largest and most sophisticated city in Europe by the end of the tenth century, with trade and rich intellectual North African traditions forming a unique culture in the region.

There is a strong historical basis that during a lot of this period there was pockets of ‘La Convivencia’ ie. the co-existence of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. Like for example, around Toledo where in universities the three backgrounds contributed to tremendous amounts of sharing of knowledge etc.

However, from about the 9th century onwards the Catholics who still held strong points right in the north, begun ‘la Reconquista’, the “reconquest,” where they began chipping away at the Caliphate’s dominance. By the early 11th century they had gained more land than was held by the Muslims and 1492 is where we set our next scene.

This is probably one of the biggest and most path changing years in Spanish history. Most known for being the year when Columbus landed in America, this enabled the start of Spanish imperlism which would extend to almost 5 centuries afterwards, conquering territories in South America, Africa and Asia and subjecting them to imperialistic rule and policies of white totalitarian dominance.

The second important happening in this year was the fall of Granada, the last remaining territory the Caliphate had in Spain, signifying the end of Muslim rule in the country. They were, as expected, thrown out of the country in their droves and many others were forced into hiding being subject to situations that would only get worse with the Inquisition in full swing.

The third, and last, big event in this year was outlined in the Alhambra Decree where the expulsion of all practicing Jews was announced. Now this had already followed the forced conversion tens of thousands of Jews had been subjected to in 1391 and 1415 (ie. crusades and masacres against them). As a result of the Alhambra decree and the prior persecution, over 200,000 Jews converted to Catholicism and around 160,000 were expelled.

This ended religious diversity in Spain, the Inquisition sealed this fate. If you’ve heard of one thing about all of this I’m sure it’s the spanish inquisition. Primarily set up to identify heretics among those who converted from Judaism and Islam to Catholicism and ensure the establishment of the Catholic monarchy, it became a method of torture, fear and murder for those who were perceived to cause any threat to the Spanish catholic order. The effects of the Inquisition are widely debated, with some saying the death toll and magnitude has been blown up by the Protestants in other European countries at the time and does not show the full picture of the hundreds of thousands of converted jews and muslims who remained and overtime became integrated into Catholic society. Whilst others remaining firm to the devastating measure of these actions and the ‘pure blood’ mentality it created. What’s for certain though, is that by the end of the Inquisition in 1834 very little religious nor ethnic diversity remained in Spain.

Jump forward about 100 years and the Spanish Empire is no more after the 1898 crisis, there’s a weird back and forth period with Republics and Monarchies and dictatorships until the Civil War broke out in 1936. It lasted until 1939 when the Nationalists, led by Franco, took total control of the country and submitted it to a dictatorship that would last until his death in 1975. I don’t even know where to begin with a period that many people see as rosy and many others ignore completely whilst Historians have now gone so far as to call the 1940s and 50s the ‘Spanish Holocaust’. However I’ll break it down to one or two main things that have predominantly spurred on today’s racist attitudes.

During the Civil Rights movements of the 50s and 60s Spain was largely immune to the winds of changes due to their isolationist policies and dictatorial power holds. We didn’t take part in any of the dialogue nor go through any racial reconciliation, at least to much a lesser extent than most other countries. It’s quite a common thing to say that what much of europe did in 70 years we’ve only had time to do in 45, and there’s much of a grain of truth in this.

A famous conservative spanish politician called David Aznar defended these views and can be extrapolated into the sentiment that existed to facilitate the transition to democracy and still remain today: "In the democratic transition there were implicit and explicit agreements. One was that we Spaniards don't want to look to the past. Let's not disturb the graves and hurl bones at one another.” As a society, we hate to think about the past, it’s just not widely done. There’s ONE museum solely dedicated to the Civil War, the Historical Memory Law passed in 2007 to try and increase the rights of victims and their families was met by so much opposition and is devastatingly underfunded etc etc. This still translates to spaniards’ views on racism, saying it just doesn’t exist here and moving on. There’s a refusal to confront this and microagressions are ingrained in the culture.

As I’ve kind of mentioned before, issues of race extend much further than towards just black people which is why the US BLM movement cannot simply be traced onto Spain. People who are originally from Latin America face extreme stereotypes and varying forms of discrimination against them as do Arab populations and other people who have immigrated from MENA countries plus the large Roma communities. 

The refugee crisis has further perpetuated the stigma around African immigrants in the past years, whilst the social effects of the 2008 Financial Crisis and beyond also continue to contribute to a xenophobic and nativist perspective where true spaniards should be prioritised with jobs, opportunities etc. For example, the alt-right wing party Vox that’s blatantly racist, anti-immigrants etc posted something with the slogan ‘Spanish Lives Matter’ the other day. They are purposefully incendiary.  

Anyways, hope this was a suitable start for you, you can’t summarise millennia worths of history into a few paragraphs but I tried my best. Also there are obviously many who stand for none of these values, politicians who have tried to right these wrongs, activists who keep fighting the fight, people who have broken down barriers and areas where there’s complete coexistance. However the fact remains that these views and ideas are ingrained in people’s minds, theres blatant job discrimination and a lack of equal opportunities despite laws that may have been put in place.

I’m going to point anyone who has got this far to a couple of articles about racism from an Anglo-Saxon perspective below, racist football culture is almost always mentioned. Being a black traveller in Spain; Same Spanish Holocaust link as before but an extremely important book review read; Irish perspective on the Enigma of Spanish Racism; Racism? What Racism? Asks Spain; Opinion: Racism Is Alive and kicking in Spain

[best1shot]

Favs of Bucky Barnes

Bucky’s day off 

Tantalus’ fruit

Bad girl - smut

Trust - she panics the day she finds him in te bathroom with scissors in his hands and fresly cut hair in a soft pile on the floor, innocently sandwiched between his bare feet

Panic - two little texts send yout heart into a frenzy, and when the super soldier responsible for them doesn’t reply, you just hope he’s still alive for him to hear exactly what you think of him

You made a list? - bucky finds a list you made

Apricity - bucky comes to you for comfort after a hard mission, but he doesn’t feel like he deserves you

“Why is she wearing my hoodie?” - bucky tries to figure out the reason behind his missing hoodie one day, relishing in the idea tha might be a win-win for both of you... but wha might that lead to?

Not a monster - bucky ends up teaching a class of seconds graders about WWII

Once a snap - thanos snapped and your world feel apart. now, five years later everything has been fixed but you

Bucky being soft - super soldier raised his voice around you and boy... he feels bad about it

Morning run - bucky likes reader and decides to join her and sam on a run

Pitching a tent - you and the team go on a camping trip together and you get stuck sharing a tente with bucky

Tease filled mornin - a few short and small innocent kisses ultimately turn into a game of “who can tease who better”

Let me show you - bucky gives reader a “redo” on her first time, and takes her virginity / smut

Jealous - you and bucky are in a sex-only relationship, the only problem is you’re in love with him. your friends constantly remind you that you should be together, but after a while you give up

Baby - bucky and Y/N drift apart, and bucky can’t figure out why

Always the friend part 1 - you and bucky are good friends. you consider him one of yout bests! unfortunately for you, you have developed a crush on him. you are too scared to teel him, because you don’t want to ruin yout friendship

- Always the friend part 2

Just friends.. part 1 - you and bucky became fast friends when you first started with the avengers. what happens when bucky gets a girlfriend who is not okay with you relationship?

- Just friends.. part 2

Good girl - bucky and reader turn eachother on with pet names - smut

The mood - “come on. I just wanna feel you” “i’m noot in the mood for sex” “let me just put the tip in then” - smut

If you love me, why did you hurt me? FIC - you dated bucky for five wonderful years! you thought he was the one! then, without reason, he ends your relationship, and gets a new girlfriend two days later! while you are both avengers, you still have to see him, and his girlfriend

Bad Match FIC

I ran - a new addition to the avengers, everyonde seems to like you... everyone except bucky barnes

You’re mine - smut

Yours - a new girl joins the team, and gets a little too close to bucky for your linking - smut

Push-ups 

Benefits - you and bucky had been friends with benefits for a while, and of course someone catches feelings

Morning glory - spending the night at bucky’s for the first time has you very excited and a morning suprise really moves the relationship along 

Make me hum - “your tongue is disgustingly long” “it is. never had a woman complain” “you’re insufferable” - smut

He’s your dancing queen - bucky is a man-child about indulging your want to watch mamma mia for the hundredth time, and when you came early a few days later you are met with something unexpected

F&MU - smut

No clue - Y/N and bucky hate each other. nobody knows why. whenever someone asks, the pair just say “I have my reasons”. some think that something happend between them when bucky was in hiding. some think that bucky did something to Y/N when he was the winter soldier. some think that there’s no actual reason, they simly hate each other

Slow dancing in a burning room - Y/N knew that bucky had to leave someday but that didn’t mean that she was ready when the day came

Roses FIC - bucky tells Y/N he’s the winter soldier. the next day, hes’ taken by the government and that’s the last Y/N sees of him... until they cross paths again. but what if bucky doesn’t remember her?

Doctor me up

Bubbles

You are so annoying, baby

Close to you - bucky loves Y/N, he didn’t mean to snap at her

Kiss me slowly

Falling like the starts

Hard Place

May I ask - you and bucky broke up a few months ago. conveniently enough, he gests called ou to an undercover mission and you were spared from seeing him everywhere you went... until he gets back and suddenly all the feelings are back

Dates - bucky organises a date for you

Self care

Valentine’s day - “why should we express our love and act romantic on this day when you can be all year round?”

New hair

Disney and chill

Soft Bucky

Player - being pennys best friend and falling for bucky - smut

Riding - where you ride his thigh - smut

Miscommunication - bucky has an accident and you come to his aid

Undercover - you and bucky have to act as a couple during a mission

Sleep Deprivation - bucky’s nightmares are getting the best of him, you help distract him

Safety - bucky steps in when an argument with your boyfriend takes a turn

Coincidences - an overheart conversation exposes some true feelings

Educating bucky - bucky is trying to cath up on everything he has missed

Temperature control - temperatures in the compund rise, you nedd to find some way to cool down

Trouble - a mysterious man catches your eye at a tony stark party

Priorities - bucky worries about the effect his job is having on his family

Unexplained events - the day goes from bad to worse. then you receive some news that could make or break everything

The bet - thor brings some asgardian liquor to one of tony’s party and bucky makes a bet that he may regret

Scheduling errors - you and bucky are stuggling to find time for each other

Starting over - set after the end of endgame, bucky wans to start over, he just isn’t sure how

The morning after - after a night of birthday celebrations you wake in your own bed. but you’re not alone

Trapped - the team encourage you to play 7 minutes in heaven. 7 minutes turns into 7 hours

Rules of engagement - bucky proposes to you. you’ll accept on one condition

Testing the brakes - after an argument you just have to get away leaving bucky feeling lost

Dinner plans - your romantic dinner plans don’t quite go to plan

Something borrowed - you may have borrowed bucky’s favourite t-shirt without telling him, you need to return it before he finds out

Defining scars - after a month long mission you spend the night wrapped in your hasbands arms

First - first time saying “I love you”

Reunited - after being put in cryo until shuri could fix him, bucky is woken up and feeling more like himself. shuri needs to talk to bucky and takes the reader with her

Dog tags and storage units - two things in this world belong to bucky. his tags, and you - smut

45 - “what do you mean not yet? you can’t expect me not to cum when you’re fucking me so good!” - smut

1 - “let me show you why you should stay in bed”

Just hitched - at steve’s wedding, you findyou have an asigned seat next to the one and only bucky barnes, aka, the best man - smut

Changes - reader and bucky go out to dinner and get drunk, back home she decides to take charge in bed

It’s what you need - bucky knows that reader just needs to get it fucked out of her system - smut

Selfies PICS 

Stroking all day long -  bucky has a thing for reader, who is an avid swimmer. upon seeing her practice in tony’s pool, he gets turned on

Ready to comply, to you -  the winter soldier gets triggered to come out and play, but instead of taking orders from whoever set it off, bucky stays obedient to the reader

First time -  bucky and the reader had been dating for a while and he finds out she's a virgin

Shower -  sexy time in the shower with bucky after he worked out and he's all sweaty and he ran to the bathroom so he could press himself to your wet naked body instead of showering alone

BJ - a bj when bucky’s tryna get paperwork done 

Risk -  risky blowjob

Almost killed -  reader almost gets herself killed on a mission, and Bucky tries to stop her but she’s independent and stands up for herself

But -  “I love you, but stop talking”

Bite me -  “I’m fully capable of kicking your ass”

Hurt - “ what the hell were you thinking? you could have been hurt.”

You -  “you’re jealous.” “it’s always been you.”

Drunk - “how much did you have to drink?”

Stay -  “(name), open the door!” “stay. please.”

Cold -  “it’s freezing. come here.” + “I’ve loved you for years”

Make right -  reader sees something she shouldn’t, and hurt feelings ensue.

58/82 -  “come sit on my face, let me show you how much I missed you” “yeah, that’s it, baby, just like that”

82 - pulling hair kink

46,48,81 - “wanna see what I’m wearing underneath all this?” “I can’t wait to pu bruises all over that pretty skin” “is that a thong?”

5,47,93 - “you look good all soaking wet” “you deserve a reward for being so good today, what would you like it to be?” “it’s okay, honey, you can pull my hair as hard as you want while I’m between your legs”

6,12 - “are you sure that’s what you want? I could really hurt you” “you don’t have to be gentle with me, I don’t break easily”

How do you think a jealous Bucky would behave? 

Protective boyfriend Bucky

Bucky dealing with a guy trying to steal his girl would include?

Jealous bucky headcanons

Protetctive bucky

It’s cold, take my jacket

Tomorrow -  “you’re not leaving, are you?”

Cuddly -  reader is feeling down and bucky makes sure her hair gets washed, bringing an array of stories and suds

Keeper - you were never supposed to be more than the winter soldier’s plaything, but some bonds can’t be broken

Always knew -  you always knew in your heart steve didn’t belong to you. you just never imagined someone else did

Back 

A bid on bucky -  you spend thousands of dollars at a bachelor auction for bucky when you could’ve had him for free this entire time

Deserve -  bucky overhears that he doesn’t deserve the girl he loves and he agrees

Pressed together 

You make me feel -  you make me feel so young. you make me feel so spring has sprung. and every time I see you grin, I’m such a happy individual

Control - smut

Promise -  as soon as your fingers wrap around him, bucky takes in a sharp breath and his muscles go taut again. always ready to spring into action. fight or flight

22 -  “I can see you undressing me with your eyes”

8 -  “I love the way you taste”

9 -  “you can get rough with me; I won’t break”

3 -  “I can show you just how flexible I am”

15 -  “you’re the only person I wanted to be with tonight”

80,89 - “why did I marry you?” “it took a lot of convinving”

No touching -  bucky barnes vs. an idiot

Lazy morning -  lazy morning with bucky. she has a wet dream, and he wants to make it come true

83,84 - “you can’t eat solids, only liquids until thursday” “come on, baby, up to bed”

Crushes and spam accounts SOCIAL MEDIA - y/n and bucky are teammates and she finds herself falling for the blue-eyed soldier. unable to find an escape, she rants about her feelings about him on an anonymous spam account. harmless, right?

I wished on the moon for you -  after losing bucky, you were devastated. so when howard stark asks for volunteers for an experiment, you’re the first in lin

Help -  two years after you and bucky broke up, the team needs your help

Nightmare -  you’re not sleeping, and bucky notices

Sly as a fox SOCIAL MEDIA -  after the blip, the avengers continue on with business as usual.  but they soon find out that while they were away, someone took it upon themselves to do the job they left behind

Mais charmante SOCIAL MEDIA -  james needs something. more specifically, he needs someone.  someone he can take care of that’ll fill his daily quota of affection.  who better than a college student whose heart is too big for her own good?

I’ll be home for christimas -  bucky made a promise to his girl, and steve helps him keep it

I don’t need a roof -  bucky thinks he’s running out of time, and needs to make sure his girl knows she’s taken care

68 -  “let’s carve our initials into the tree”

125 -  “(name)?” - “yeah?” - “I’m gonna kiss you now.” - “okay”

69 -  “every time you touch me, I feel a little less broken”

The only one SOCIAL MEDIA -  you’re the head engineer of stark industries (and peter parker’s older sister) and close friends with the avengers. you’ve always had a crush on one james barnes, however what happens when someone from your past comes in right as bucky starts to reciprocate your feelings?

Charcoal Drawings SOCIAL MEDIA -  you are an art student and are forced to take a life drawing class which will include nude modeling. one little problem, the model is super fucking hot

Feelings you can’t deny SOCIAL MEDIA -  you love working with your brother and best friends. but what will happen when bucky visits the avengers and you can’t seem to stop embarrassing yourself?

Secrect confessions SOCIAL MEDIA -  after an unexpected break up with bucky, you change a few things. your hair, your number, even your schedule for the upcoming semester. but after weeks of dodging the topic, your roommates (MJ, peter and the twins) and your close friend natasha decide it’s time to help you move on

Sure, jan SOCIAL MEDIA -  while writing your college history paper on WWII, you decide to tweet your favorite avengers, steve rogers and bucky barnes, for help. they were also the most qualified. it’s not like they would actually reply, right?

Okay, but can I get more ice cream first? -  bucky takes care of you when you get your wisdom teeth removed

Here comes trouble - you were supposed to be dating peter parker. then can someone explain why the hell bucky is treating you better than your own boyfriend

I hate everybody SOCIAL MEDIA -  after spending the summer getting over your high school sweetheart, it’s time for new beginnings. what else is college for?

Mission report: laundry day -  you and bucky have been secretly dating for over a year, what will it finally take for the others to find out?

Not happening FIC -  an online dating site clearly makes a mistake when it matches you with the one person you cannot stand

Polyonymous SOCIAL MEDIA -  you met james on twitter three months ago, and you’ve talked everyday since. you really like him, and you don’t think you’ve met anyone like him. that is, until the fateful night that brings the avengers to you. you meet bucky barnes, and then you’re stuck choosing between two guys so alike you find yourself asking why they couldn’t be the same person

Something more FIC -  after a bad breakup you ask your best friend to take your virginity. it’s just friends with benefits. what could possibly go wrong?

All the blind dates SOCIAL MEDIA -  after finding out that your boyfriend was cheating on you, you agree to go a few blind dates to help you move on

Little lion man -  sent on an assignment back to 1943, you encounter a drastically different version of the man you know

Soldat - when a hydra agent finds a way to hack into FRIDAY’s system to trigger bucky into the winter soldier, he nearly kills you. in the aftermath, he can’t begin to find a way to forgive himself. not without your help

Not so sweet dreams are made of this -  sometimes, bucky’s nightmares get a bit too real. sometimes, they even become a reality

Drunk on you -  bucky has always been nervous around you. when he’s tasked with caring for you after a night of heavy drinking and suddenly you’re kissing him, bucky doesn’t know what to do. you couldn’t possibly want him sober, right?

Fireworks -  bucky barnes doesn’t do crowds. he certainly doesn’t do fireworks. but he’d follow you just about anywhere

Lavender -  not every nightmare is the same and bucky doesn’t always wake up as the man you know

Feel again -  instantly captivated by the woman the nurses have dubbed the ‘frequent flyer’ of the emergency department, Bucky can’t help but fall for y/n. he relishes every moment he can spend with her and with her apparent clumsiness, it’s quite often. that is, until he learns the real reason behind her injuries

A new start -  woken from a nightmare plagued with memories from his time in hydra, bucky finds himself standing at a mirror at 3am holding a pair of scissors, determined to cut away the strongest connection he has left to that time. his hair

 Cold, cold water -  while on a stakeout in the heart of russia, bucky learns that touch can bring something more than pain and he will willingly give himself over to the ice if it means keeping you alive

The other side of the door -  bucky would do anything to keep you safe. even if it meant sacrificing himself. even if it took him to the bottom of the ocean

A twice broken man -  knowing what will happen if hydra ever captures him again, bucky asks the impossible of you. the road to recovery is not an easy one

I still need you - bucky tries to end his life. the reader has to give him a reason to live

Remembering him - the reader can play with minds and memories. she gets hired by tony stark to restore a certain super soldier’s memories

Camera view - while triggered into winter soldier mode, bucky nearly kills the reader

All yours - you have to flirt while on an undercover mission. bucky is jealous and not having any of it - smut

Unconventional night out - the reader meets bucky while they are both hiding inside a restaurant, one from a creepy guy at the bar, the other from a terrible blind date

Let me help you - reader is one of the only people that is kind to bucky (besides steve obviously) and he doesn’t understand why but the reader is too scared to say that theyre in love with him

Eight times - eight times Bucky Barnes said ‘I love you’ without saying ‘I love you’, and the one time he actually said it

Only thing that matters - t’s the morning after, and bucky makes it clear you mean more to him than he lets on

Milo - when a little black kitten won’t leave bucky alone, he has no choice but to take it home with him

Conscious - when bucky gets seriously injured on a mission, it’s your job to keep him awake until backup arrives

Trigger - while held captive during a mission gone wrong, bucky realizes that the enemy is going to trigger his winter soldier mode. in a panic and desperate to prevent that, he begs the reader to do the unthinkable

You"ll go away - the reader finally has bucky. but will her anxious mind ruin her newfound relationship?

Impaled - you’ve been pining after bucky for months. a compromising situation during a mission brings you a lot closer to him than you expected

Confessions after dark - you’d been in love with bucky barnes from the minute you set eyes on him. the only problem? bucky barnes had hated you from the minute he set eyes on you. when the two of you find yourselves forced together on an assignment, some unexpected revelations are made in the darkness of a shared motel room

Wanderlust adventures SOCIAL MEDIA - y/n is a popular travel blogger, and a freelance travel writer for a magazine. she travels the world with her two best friends, valkyrie who is a freelance graphic designer that the reader “drags” out of bed to see the world, and carol who’s a new up and coming model. this is the first time in a year all three girls are traveling together due to carol’s new busy career. a month long european excursion, that might end up being their last trip together due to their lives taking them elsewhere. bucky barnes used to be a model but now travels the world with his best friends. he has a hard time commiting to one thing, which is why he loves to travel so much. he travels the world with his two best friends, steve who runs a gym in brooklyn and sam, who works for a popular food magazine where he gets to travel and eat all the food he wants. bucky has once again convinced his childhood best friends to join him on a month long trip to escape the trapped feeling of being back in New York. steve and sam are worried about bucky and his constant need to runaway from his issues, they’re hoping this trip will be an eye opener for their friend

Oh no, that's bad SOCIAL MEDIA - you’re a college student, you’re mad angry, bucky ruins your paper, that’s not good is it?

SPY SOCIAL MEDIA - cap and sam recruit a new super soldier whilst on a mission in paris. when she moves into the avengers tower, she immediately hits it off with everyone, except bucky. will they ever make it past their differences enough to realise just how perfect they are together?

Promisse SOCIAL MEDIA - you and bucky met when you guys were kids. everyone that didn't know you thought that you were both dating, everyone that knew you thought you both should be dating each other. "we're just friends" were what you both will say when others ask if you're dating. but are you both really just friends?

Lost in a crowd SOCIAL MEDIA - Lilith Greene is in her junior year of her creative writing degree program. she's best friends with peter parker and his girlfriend MJ, and mostly spends her time telling the pair to get to class when she's not writing poetry

Sleep and other things 

Took you long enough -  ontrary to popular belief, sam qilson did care for bucky barnes. does he mess with him any chance he gets? yes, but he makes it so easy (and it’s always out of love). so when he notices the super assassin turn into super mush around a certain teammate, he knows he has to do something about it

Epiphany - "you keep saying that you're friends, but you look at him a moment too long for that to be true"

Are you leaving my love behind? - at lot can happen in five years, but even more can happen in a few months

I hate you, really hate you - you’re married and truths about your marriage are about to come to light

Years later - bucky doesn’t have the best of luck. or at least he didn’t until the day he finally met his soulmate

Why can't I say I'm in love? - as a young girl you went into town with your parents to see the villagers. that’s where you met one little boy who would change your life and your heart. but as the princess of the kingdom, there are things that are expected of you. falling in love with the baker’s son is not one of them

The first of many - sometimes people surprise you

Helpless - we were at a revel with some rebels on a hot night

GSW - after getting injured in Brooklyn, steve forces bucky to visit the local VA hospital

Late night devils - bucky gets revenge on his ex with you, the girl he never got over no matter how much he thought he did - smut

If the world was ending - bucky knows he’s still in love with you a year after the two of you mutually agreed to break up. when one phone call spirals into one plan being made and then another, and then suddenly he’s staying at your place, he wonders if there may be a chance to try again

Scorched - “you utterly destroyed me, you know that? I loved you more than I needed to breathe and you just walked away. I lost everything and you walked away”

Dog tags - you are a kept prisoner by hydra, your role is to fix soldat’s metal arm whenever it gets damaged in a mission. you grow fond of each other and you decide to save him

The only one FIC - you were in love with this guy and in college, you could’ve made it work but you had to go home and now 6 years later it might be too late to be with the only man you ever truly loved

Happiness FIC - you are best friends with bucky and then something happens that will change your relationship with him forever

Faking it FIC - you are sent on a mission by fury, only problem is your mission partner, and fake boyfriend, is the one person on the team you cannot stand

Always take care of you - some post-mission friskiness with bucky boy - smut

Undercover - you and bucky go on an undercover mission, where you need to pretend to be married. you are close to solving the case when bucky decides he’s done pretending

Rusted - the team encounters helmut zemo, who activates the winter soldier

Valentine's shots - bucky indulges in some bodyshots

The five times bucky saved you FIC - you have a special bond with bucky. he’s more than your best friend, your partner in missions, the person you care most about. he often saved you from uncomfortable situations, always ready to protect you, but sometimes, you are the one who did the saving

Fight for you FIC - at the annual local boxing championship, Y/N is the leading medical specialist on call. it’s a whole new environment, and despite the drastic change, she loves it. bucky barnes is the reigning boxing champion of brooklyn. virtually undefeated, this tattoo artist by day, boxer by night is someone that is now fighting his way into Y/N’s head. and she’s helpless in front of his winning streak

Flowers bloom FIC - whenever someone is injured, flowers bloom on their soulmate at the area of the wound. she is born with flowers around her entire left shoulder

Guiding light FIC - it was supposed to be a simple mission. get the intel and go home. until everything goes wrong and you’re taken captive by hydra. while you struggle to stay alive and hold your sanity, bucky begins to lose himself to a darkness and gives into the soldier because he doesn’t know how to breathe without you. not until he brings you home. If he even can

Home - fresh out of a divorce, Y/N moves to sun valley for a fresh start, a house left to her by her aunt and a new job as a nanny. James ‘bucky’ barnes owns a law firm and has been left with three kids after his wife died giving birth to their youngest. bucky is nervous about leaving the kids with a nanny but he cant keep finding babysitters and the kids need someone more permanent around

Sup, professor SOCIAL MEDIA - bucky barnes is the “most handsomest man” that you have ever laid your eyes on and oh, would you look at that. he's your professor

Oh no, it's you SOCIAL MEDIA - you have your life figured out, doing good in med school, moved on from your past, and even got a new job with that apartment that your family left you. oh would you look at that, your new neighbor is bucky barnes, a model and a rising actor. oh yeah, he also happens to be the guy that you claim to have moved on from. fuck

- Hey, it's me again - you got the wrong number but it’s okay you have nice memes and oh sure I can help you out and oh no..nonononononono….im not falling for you…..right?

What the hell, bucky? SOCIAL MEDIA - you and bucky grew up together as he lived right across the street. he’s the world’s biggest asshole, but also your most trusted confidant. no, you don’t have a crush on him. because bucky is steve’s friend and steve likes you

Dog tags - tony holds a ball, and your boyfriend get’s a little distracted when he sees you

Assert dominance

Love by mistake SOCIAL MEDIA

All in my head SOCIAL MEDIA - y/n l/n makes some friends who all live on the same floor in the dorms. they are all freshman health and human development majors at NYU

Savior - you and bucky are trapped in a HYDRA base and about to be killed. or maybe not…

Bad boys do it well - rumor is that bucky wants to ask you out but word on the street was that you didn’t date bad boys

Intimacy - you tend to your boyfriend's wounds after he returns from a mission and you share an intimate moment

No subtleties

Salt 

Cuddle with me - steve did not expected to find his best friend there

Ocean eyes - this is the story of James bucky barnes learning what love and being loved is like

Best friends - you're best friends with bucky but you struggle with being around him due the fact that you heya feelings for him and boy does he love to flirt. you talk to Steve all the time about your liking towards bucky and how you think he may like you back but then you start to notice how close he's gotten with Natasha and that thread of hope flies out the window

- Best friends part 2

I'm breaking up with you - bucky tries breaking up with you but you're not having it

Shy - you like bucky but every time you try and talk to him, he avoids you

- Shy part 2

Art - bucky is insecure about his metal arm

Only you can do that

14

Insults - reader and bucky can't get along one day while they are arguing bucky realizes he actually likes her and starts to act weird and she confronts him about his acts

I love you

Worries - bucky overhears that you worry that he will leave you natasha

Underneath the mistletoe - there's a Christmas party and sam uses redwing to hold a mistletoe over people making them kiss and he keeps trying to get bucky and y/n but bucky keeps running away cause he's nervous and scared cause he has a huge crush on her

My girl - bucky saw your ex kiss you and bucky goes wild and attacks him

Seduce me - bucky has to be with you yo protect you in an operation where you have to flirt and seduce someone and he goes all jealous

Suck a flirt - bucky gets drunk and flirts with reader

Fool

Realization - Y/N is in love with bucky but he is dating and in love with someone else. however the girl broke his heart and he finally realizes a year after his heartbreak that he loves Y/N

Distance - you’re insecure that bucky still likes natasha and will leave you for her and you start to distance yourself from him and it hurts him when you two barely talk anymore

Pick me - reader need help with a world history unit abou the WWII, so the two super soldiers fight over who’s going to help her

Camping - the whole team went on a camping trip and they all knew that bucky and the reader have feelings for each other, so they decided to them in one tent

Joint custody - reader and bucky broke up, having to share time with their kid which ultimately brings them back together

8,66 - “are you eating again?” “you look good enough to eat”

3 - “this is me. I am the eye of the storm and my heart is a little broken but if you want me, I’m yours”

Bottles, babies and bucky SOCIAL MEDIA -  Y/N and bucky are a couple of newlyweds eager to bask in their honeymoon period after their dream wedding. However, they soon find that this won’t be easy with 3 rambunctious small children running around the Brooklyn small apartment the family lives in. what happens when Y/N finds out she’s expecting? how will she tell bucky who made it very clear that their third child was also to be their last?

Weekend at bucky’s SOCIAL MEDIA -  workaholic bucky barnes is a successful CEO of a prosthetics company that works endlessly to meet the needs of the people in desperate need of his products. his best friends steve rogers-wilson and sam wilson-rogers signed up the CEO for a nightly adult writing class after he let slip his desire to write his own story but currently lacked the skills to do so. Y/N is the teacher of this particular class whilst she trains to become a kindergarten teacher, she lives with her roommates natasha romanoff and wanda maximoff however it feels more like she has 4 roommates the amount of time her friends better halves spend at their small brooklyn apartment. they keep her sweet with clints amazingly good brownies and vision is just a wonder of personality in Y/N’s opinion. what will happen between the two when they meet and get to know each other at these classes? what happens when Bucky invites Y/N to spend the weekend at his cabin upstate? will take them a weekend to fall in love? or a weekend to fall out of it?

Coffe and cratons SOCIAL MEDIA -  kindergarten teacher bucky barnes suddenly finds himself becoming a frequent customer of a cozy little coffee shop, newly opened around the corner of his school. self-proclaimed queen of coffee and the shop’s owner Y/N quickly finds herself giving barnes the title of “favourite customer”. will caffeine simply be their only addiction or will they find a new release within each other?

TEXT

Words left unsaid SOCIAL MEDIA -  you’re a graduate student at a university pursuing a doctorate degree in biology while also working in a prestigious lab under alexander pierce. however, the university requires you to take an english course to ensure you are fully competent in teaching a course and able to write your dissertation. lucky for you, you’re allowed to take an undergraduate english class, which would be much easier than an upper division one. with a full graduate course load, teaching a 4-hour anatomy lab and working in lab the rest of the days, this english class is the least of your worries. but once you meet your professor, that all changes; you were never interested in anyone or had time for anyone. but for him, you’re willing to try

Trepidation - everything in your world was right until bucky’s ex girlfriend came along

- Trepidation part 2

- Trepidation part 3

“You have a what?” - your 5 year old daughter comes home from school and says she has a boyfriend this doesn’t sit well with bucky

I love you too

I need your help FIC -  bucky gets an invitation to a family friends wedding and it turns out that his ex girlfriend will be attending as well. panicked at the thought of seeing her, he asks you, his best friend to attend the wedding with him as his girlfriend in attempts to show his ex that he’s moved on

Don’t say anything FIC -  you finally decide to tell bucky that you’ve been in love with him since the day you met but what happens when you walk in on him with a girl? and not just any girl; natasha

Heartbroken - bucky cheats on the reader, she’s heartbroken and he realizes what he’s done, so he decide to do everything to get his girl back

Before it's too late FIC - bucky starts dating a girl from his history of art class. the only problem: you’re in love with him

Protective barnes - reader’s ex-boyfriend comes back to pick up some things and meets bucky, her new boyfriend

He understood - you try and convince bucky to attend tony's funeral

6

First date - what happens when Y/N forgets about her date with bucky and is babysitting her niece? 

Sprained ankle - movie night at the tower goes south when someone sprains an ankle

It's 3 AM - Y/N has a nightmare about bucky and needs to make sure he is okay

Neighbors - Y/N is bucky’s neighbor and they find each other super adorable

A bit of warning would be nice - bucky is gets nervous when Y/N and sam come back late from a hike together

Glasses - Y/N’s contact lenses met an unfortunate fate which leads to her wearing her glasses

Unexpected - Y/N’s ex shows up unexpectedly. she feels scared that he is going to show up at her apartment so she asks bucky to stay the night

- Unexpected part 2

Gone - bucky is met with some trouble on a mission and loses contact with Y/N, who is helping him back at the tower

Hands off - you’re Steve’s cousin and he has some rules when it comes to you that bucky isn’t a fan of. mainly, that he can’t have you

Sometime around midnight - bucky lost you once…but he can’t again

Break you - bucky has himself a winter soldier episode, nearly killing his girlfriend as a result

A fear that changes - it was not the winter soldier that scared you, even on his worst day. no, what had scared you more than anything else was bucky barnes

What did I do wrong - bucky doesn't understand what he could have possibly done to lose the love of his life

Help a buddy out - you and bucky are roommates and you ask for him to teach you to be better at sex so you can please another guy

Clouds - bucky overhears something unsettling at a party

He's not the one

That's my girl

The bet

Second chance - Y/N gives bucky a home, a family, a love, a second chance

I'll never forget

Safe house - when a mission goes south, you make it a personal mission to make your boyfriend bucky barnes see the light at the end of the tunnel by taking him to your safe house

You don't have to be alone

Three ways you can dance - one can dance in three ways; fists, feet and lips

Toothpaste kisses - in which Y/N makes herself at home, and bucky is only too happy about it

Homesick of home - in which the reader finds herself at her childhood home, away from the person she truly considers her actual home

Fond of the classics - when the sexual tension between you and bucky is stifling, natasha becomes her scheming, conniving self - smut

The best life - in which you tell your favourite people (what could be) the best news in the world

"Someone like me doesn't get happy endings"

Paris

Deathcycle

Something new - short blurb about you sitting on bucky’s face because I’m a sucker for face sitting and for bucky

Angry

Drunken girls night - just a cute bucky blurb of bucky taking care of you when you come home drunk

Going down - “I have found a new home, and it’s between your thighs.” bucky said cheekily, “I’d rather say here for a while”

End of the day - you: I want to watch horror movies with your hand either down my pants or stroking my hair. I can’t decide. bucky, your hot detective boyfriend: I have two hands, I can do both ;) 

Troublemaker - you thank bucky in your own wonderful way. he kinda loves it

Laundry day - well, it’s laundry day and it turns out to be eventful 

Possible-future-girlfriend - bucky claims you can’t flirt for shit, you prove him wrong

Home - after a rough mission, bucky just wants to go home. he learns what that word truly means when he gets there

Only love can hurt like this

Speak up - Y/N’s gotta stop mouthing off… or does she?

The power of a promise - you and bucky are taking a trip to visit your parents and he promises to behave

Love like ours - "I want to kiss every inch of your body before I fuck you"

Another bad day - "I wanna take my time with you tonight" "yes I know I cry a lot, so what?"

Your bucky

Bucky to the rescue - "I'd rather die than let you get hurt"

Beautiful morning - "have I told you that you look the most beautiful when you wake up?"

Kisses - "quick, kiss me!"

Family time

A bet

My gorgeous queen - "excuse you! have you ever looked at your reflection? you're so gorgeous I wanna stab out my eye!"

Are you afraid? - reader finds out she's pregnant and is absolutely petrified to tell bucky because he's still in recovery and it was unplanned

Playing to win - game night takes an exciting turn and bucky’s answer to a particular question really gets you thinking

The ball pit - "I don't want to lose you"

That's a promise - "I'm gonna fuck you so much you'll be pissing my cum for days to come"

Hand tricks - "blindfolds heighten your senses, maybe that's why you're whimpering louder than usual"

Caught with your pants down - walking in the common room and finding bucky playing with himself on the couch in his sleep

Hunger - bucky is trying out some new recipes for the restaurant, he asks you to have a taste and you ask for a cooking lesson

Beautiful - bucky is dating reader who struggles with her wight feeling like she's too skinny, oe not curvy enough to be with them

Sweet frostings - baking peanut butter cupcakes for bucky while he's away on a mission

Lucky charm - bucky rescues you in more ways than one

I'm not scared - bucky and reader snuggling up for the first time. reader's hesitant to lay their head on his left shoulder. seeing him deflate they admit they're just scared it might hurt him when they lay their head where metal meets flesh

Unrequited

- Unrequited part 2

Good morning, soldier! - reader walking into bucky’s room to surprise him for his birthday, and reader is flustered when she sees he is buck naked on top of the sheets and subconsciously playing with himself in his sleep

Love in bloom - it’s your birthday and bucky makes the day special in every way, even taking you to a place you’ve always wanted to visit in spring

Like the good ole days - reader and bucky in quarantine

Match mode - being rebecca’s caretaker and with her when her brother bucky shows up to reconnect one day. she also may or may not play matchmaker between the two of you

I need you

Chibis everywhere - showing bucky all the cute and funny chili fan arts of him 

Confessions of love - you confess your feelings for bucky to natasha during a girl’s night. completely unaware of a certain pair of ears listening

Helping a roomie out - bucky is your new roommate, a hot delicious snack on legs

Smell of roses - “fuck you smell so good.” “did I smell bad yesterday?”

Past and present - reader ends up during the 30s and meets "young" bucky. she always had a crush on him but he never indicated he'd interested in her. 30s!buckys immediately wants to take her on a date and everything

Flaws - reader and bucky arguing over each other's personality flaws during a rough round of sex - smut

It's not a micro - he hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time. all his dates seem to hit it and quit it. you have this thing… you tease him that they don’t stick around because he’s got a micro-cock. one day he shows you exactly how wrong you are

Sassy doll - “there’s a reason I don’t celebrate my birthday.” “is it because you’re so old you don’t even remember when it was?”

Just gettin' started - "kiss my ass" "sucky my dick"

No more games - "when we get home, I'm cuffing you to the bed and going down on you all night" "fine by me, you look hot with you head between my legs"

Heart of gold - bucky finds you hanging out with loki and he immediately thinks it’s because you like him. problem is, bucky likes you…now what!?!

Say it again - on a regular night at the compound you’re all drinking wine and having fun when things get a little heated between you and bucky…

Finders keepers - oreos, bucky’s henley and scary movies…

The secret drawer - bucky accidentally finds your large dildo/vibrator in your secret drawer in the bedroom

Secrets - “Did you fart? It smells like ass in here.” “Not my fault you finally smell your own scent.”

Drench me - "spit on my pussy. make me really wet"

Race to the finish - an innocent game of mario kart turns into much more when you get a feel of bucky’s beard

Don't even think about it - bucky threatens to shave off his beard so you come up with a plan to thwart his efforts…

Not my name - reader is tired of shitty sex and clint’s constant teasing. bucky decides to take matters into his own hands

Feeling is mutual - "can you feel what you do to me?"

Morning goodness - bucky and reader are in a new relationship and reader sleeps over for the first time, unexpectedly feeling the morning wood rubbing up against their ass

Sex on the... what? - "I really wanna have a sex on the beach" "it's winter though" "no you dummy, I meant the drink"

Whatever you say, pal - "I once had a woman  pass out from an orgasm" "really? can't imagine what from. my banana is longer than your wiener"

The slip-up - bucky accidentally calling a new recruit "doll" and kinda hates how close she gets to him, making the reader jealous 

I told you so - bucky is sick and mentions being horny

Come back, come back to me - "look at my horny and sex staved little doll. you're dripping onto my sheets"

He finds out your secret

Nat calls you a prude and your secret is revealed

Find you - after he broke off with you, you got a phone call that left you worried, you had no chance but to find hi and make sure he was okay

Because he can

Motorcycle - bucky punishing you by putting you on the back of his motorcycle with no panties while he rides fast and the feeling of the vibrations of the bike between your legs has you soaked

Daddy kink - reader has a daddy kink and Bucky finds out an teases her about it and makes her cum so many times, she’ll think she passes out

Age gap - where reader is significantly younger than bucky

Never leaving you - reader is alone in the tower and someone breaks in shooting her

I want to cuddle - reader with needy bucky

Protection - tony Starks little sister is in a failing relationship. they are at the tower arguing and Tony came in the room just as the guy was hitting her, but before he could do something about it, bucky storms over and knocks the guy through the wall

Halloween party

Leather jacket

The video - reader sees videos of bucky being tortured by hidra

Warmth - reader gets cold really easily and bucky keeps her warm

Dylan o'brien - bucky being jealous and extremely annoyed over you fangirl-ing over dylan o'brien new movie

Clingy - the boys tease bucky over him being a clingy and protective boyfriend

Secret admirer - bucky gets jealous and protective when he finds out that a man has been showering you, his wife, with gifts and presents and letters and confronts that man

I would never hurt you - bucky and reader don't get along, and he keeps making snarky comments and eventually the reader gets into a huge argument with him, he raises his metal hand and the reader gets scared

Shopping - you're Natasha's best friend and wanted to go shopping with her but she gets called to a mission. bucky sees you being pissed and offers to help

Bucky's plan - you and bucky are together, and bucky gets it in his head that'd be a great idea to dance with another woman ate a party to make you jealous

You deserve better - pietro is an ass to the reader and she is like best friends with buck

Safe - where steve goes to bucks apartment but instead of just bucky, he found too bucky's heavily pregnant girlfriend 

Clint's daughter - reader is clint's daughter and last time bucky saw her was when she was younger and now she's grown up and he starts feeling things 

- Clint's daughter part 2

- Clint's daughter part 3

Russian bucky - bucky pretending not to know english n only speaking russian and he overhears you talking about him 

Suprise - you're bucky girlfriend and one day you surprise him after work in his room to see him just in some sweats after he had a shower

Short hair - steve one day takes bucky to get a haircut like the old days and he comes back to the tower handsome asf

Self defense trainer - bucky gives self defense lessons in his free time and you're there to take lessons

More than fucky buddies - you and bucky were having some kind of secret affair while living in the tower but also developed strong feelings for each other

You're good enough for me - bucky being insecure and jealous of pietro

Not so shy - you and bucky are a couple and all the other avengers ship you a lot

Not good enough - reader thinks she isn't good enough for bucky and thinks she doesn't have a chance, but unbeknownst to her, bucky loves everything about her

Shy - you're dating bucky but you're also a bit shy and you feel bad about it, but bucky thinks it's totally cute and loves it

Movie night - reader and bucky hate each other, and one night at the tower it's movie night and reader takes bucky's seat and when bucky comes back he tells her to get up but she doesn't

You and bucky don't get along 

- You and bucky don't get along part 2

- You and bucky don't get along part 3

Save me 

Mission impossible 

The acquisition FIC - you are part of a business merger. can you make it through with your heart still intact, or will the winter solder tear you apart?

Cookies make everything better - your son has a nightmare and bucky makes cookies to make him feel better

Dream walker - you are able to enter bucky’s dream to help him

Distraction - bucky helps you in your time of need

Insatiable - "we've been at it like rabbits, how are you still horny?"

Saddle up! - bucky takes you for more than one good ride

When things get rough - bucky being soft and gorgeous while pretending to be your loving husband and being so good at it that you're both not sure if you're only pretending anymore until he gets jealous

I'll be okay - day in bed with bucky

His type - bucky reaction to hearing such lies coming from readers mouth when she's talking to her friend on the phone and is convinced she stands zero chance with him

Blind date

Medic

A touch of blue - you love wearing bucky’s henleys and his new blue one is too good to pass up

- A touch of blue part 2

Cocktail - you love to visit bucky at work

- Cocktail part 2

Bartender - bucky and you having sex on the bar after it closes

27

First for everything - losing your virginity to college bucky

Undercover lover - you and bucky are acting as a married couple on an undercover cop assignment. everything is under control until some asshole decides to get handsy

"You still have all of me, however broken I am"

Like this - body massage with bucky

Always - stripper reader with biker bucky

In the alley - you and bucky disagree on how you handled your mission

Big boy barnes - having sex with bucky for the first time and underestimate his size

Eavesdropping - "how long have you been standing there?"

Scream for me - smut with no plot

Mishaps - bartender bucky

Fun at the BBQ - reader gets cheeky during the summer BBQ

Only yours - "your ass is gonna be seven different shades of red after that little stunt

Faster, soldier - "faster" "I need you to hold onto something then"

The mall

I wish we were alone now - "I can't wait until we're alone. there are so many things I want to do to you right now"

Homecoming - 40s bucky

Six steamy sentences

Bucky has a hard time - sam mixed bucky's pills up and he's accidentally taken some viagra. now he's rock hard in the middle of Siberia with you in a tent

Better than a dream - bucky has a wet dram and trudges to reader's room in the early morning for sex

The edge of glory - you and bucky try something new in the bedroom

Food for thought - "stick your fingers in the pie and have a taste! it's delicious!" "I'd rather stick them in you"

Soft beard, warm beard - "tour beard is so soft"

Seal the deal - you and make make a deal over a game of twister

My face, your boxers

Pretty girl - bucky barnes is your mentor as tony stark puts you through the ultimate training before you’re officially named an avenger. however, working with bucky proves to be difficult as his cold nature to your only makes you want him more

Squat here often? - the thought alone preens another wet moan straight from the base of your throat. bucky picks up on it, nuzzling the shape of his lips into the source with a hum. his voice is a soft cradle on the bare skin. “you’re something carved straight from a teenage wet dream. so tight and little .. always bent over. sometimes, I just want to haul you to the locker room mid set and bend you over one of those benches”

Surprise 

Ditto - you and bucky are on a mission and forced to share the king sized bed. with wouldn't usually have been a problem if you and bucky didn't hate each other's guts

Thirsty

Knife skills

All of me

Tall, dark and handsome

Silence - bucky is distant and you don't know what to do

Like your eyes - you have a crush on bucky Barnes and watch helplessly as he gets dressed for his date

Wrong side of the bed - bucky is in a bad mood and accidentally snaps at reader who is very shy and timid and she spends the day in her room

Pineapple pizza - being forced into getting a personal trainer by your friend, you soon find yourself swooning for the man himself

- Pineapple pizza part 2

Mentor - bucky barnes is your mentor that you have developed a crush on, one night feelings are revealed and you say the wrong thing, immediately regretting everything

Cozy - cozy cuddles and banter with bucky

Hot chocolate - bucky's cafe is your little sweet escape

Pda - a view of bucky and his struggle with pda

The five times you lay your eyes on bucky

Cold - you’re in the shop with bucky as he works on fixing up his bike, getting colder by the minute, until you decide to ask bucky to warm you up

Tradition - who knew bucky was one for a holiday tradition?

Daydream - you and bucky intimately reconnect with one another

Man's best friend - you take in your neighbours dog for a night only to learn that a dog is man’s best wingman

I quit - while working as a nanny for bucky barnes, you slowly develop feelings for him, only growing more and more in love with him

Groceries - you encounter bucky barnes and his five year old son during a trip to the supermarket, little did you know that little leo was the world’s greatest wingman

Nsfw alphabet

Favorite girl - bucky barnes is the leader of the most dangerous mob in new york city, but when he finds you, his favourite dancer, at his local strip club he can’t help but fall for you. but he wants you to be more than his favourite dancer, he wants you to be his favourite and only girl

Impatient - with bucky’s busy lifestyle you don’t get him to yourself often, so when you think he’s finally free you intend to have him all to yourself

Best friends daughter - bucky barnes walks with confidence and elegance radiating off of him, tantalizing everyone he meets. you met your dad’s best friend with no intentions of falling for him, but it seems the universe had different plans

The busted shower head - a busted shower head results in mind-blowing shower sex with your neighbour, who also happens to be your dad’s best friend

More than perfect 

Cafe au latte - bucky stars working at the coffe shop you own and feelings happen

Scorned - losing your father and natasha was enough. now, the man who you have sacrificed every fiber of your soul to is leaving you too

Asleep - soft bedtime interaction 

This is not a drill - reader and daughter play a prank on bucky

7/87 - "do you want some soup?" "oh my god, I love you"

17/18 - "you're so warm" "you're freezing, jesus"

33/34 - "sometimes I just want to cuddle, okay? is that so bad?" "now I know half my wardrobe went"

64/69/88 - “I can’t believe you eat pineapple on pizza…what sort of monster are you?" “I don’t think I could love you anymore than I already do.” “put me down! I can walk!”

Morning pancakes - a cheerful morning turns into one of anger and snakes

Not you - bucky has loved the reader for three years. she has loved him for two. both are dumbasses, and sam is fed up

Gone for too long - reader leaves for a mission that should take around a week, but as the days roll by, bucky gets more and more worried

Don't let me fall - bucky and the reader have been blissfully been together for three months, the two absolutely and utterly in love. but when a mission goes wrong and leaves the reader in a coma, barely clinging to life, bucky fears that he might break and this time forever

Reciprocated - after being bothered by brock rumlow’s incessant pestering of asking the reader out, she agrees but obviously regrets it. she has a ginormous crush on the star quarterback bucky barnes, who unbeknownst to her is absolutely head over heels for the girl and when she needs help getting rid of brock, he turns into her knight in shining armour

A promise kept - the reader is a SHIELD agent that used to be a double agent for hydra where she found and fell in love with bucky. but zemo has found him as well and time is ticking for the reader to save the man she loves

You don't have to be alone - reader has recently broken her leg and the only two people in the tower are pretty much her and bucky. usually, that wouldn’t be a problem but her major crush on the guy could cause some awkward moments and when feelings are revealed things can drastically change

Not pretending - reader’s reunion is just around the corner, which means meeting her ex. they used to be high school sweethearts, but after she found out he was cheating she broke up with him. but now, still being single, the reader feels like she needs to bring someone and when bucky offers his assistance, feelings might be revealed

Deserving - bucky and the reader have been together for half a year now, and he’s never felt happier. but when peter parker gets a crush on the reader, bucky slowly starts to think that maybe he isn’t the right one for her

[animalsatwildlilac]

Power Outage with Bearded Dragon

This beardie has a job. His name is Stripy, and he is a working lizard. His life is full of adventure at Wild Lilac preschool. But he does get weekends off, vacations, and even mental health days, just like me. I think he is lonely when we are not together.

On Thursday, when WL announced an early release because of the winter storm warning, I got the whole day off because I only teach in the afternoons. But I still needed to go in, briefly -- to tend to the animals before the roads got messy.

On the way there, I stopped for supplies at my local pet store, Tropical Hut. I bought 100 crickets and a package of frozen bloodworms.

When I parked in front of the school, rain was falling and the temperature was dropping. Masked parents were picking up their unmasked kids. I left 50 of the crickets in my car with plans to take them home for Stripy, my bearded dragon, and then I went to the animal room.

I fed and tucked our critters in –

Two cubes of bloodworms for the Axolotl;

Cucumber and carrots for the just-hatched baby snails;

Fresh pinecones and toilet paper rolls for the gerbils;

Hay for the new-found guinea pigs (see previous post);

Crickets in with the animals that eat crickets: the tarantula, the geckos, and the cane toad;

And food for the crickets themselves (some apple, some dog food);

The Madagascan Hissing cockroaches still had food;

The walking sticks are all out of bramble – I’m sorry, but they will be okay for a few days without food.

I headed home.

As I brought the deli container of crickets into my house (they had been in my car for about 45 minutes) I realized something was tragically wrong -- all 50 of them were on their backs, heels to heaven. My first though was carbon monoxide.  How could they all have DIED in such a short time? Then I realized maybe they weren’t dead – they were cold! Or did they freeze to death? It just hadn’t been that long. Such drama! I set them on a table and watched them, and as they warmed, they started to move. First a leg twitched, then another, then one flipped over. I was thinking how cool is this! Definitely something to explore with the kids – the freezing and warming of crickets.

And then, as I was deep in contemplation watching the flipping crickets, it’s 3 in the afternoon and -- the power goes out! There was no accumulation of ice or snow. The storm had hardly started. PGE said the power would be back on at 5pm. But at 5, they said 6, and at 6, it was 8.

When the temperature in Stripy’s tank dropped to 65 degrees, I had lifted him out and put him on my chest, zipped up a fleece vest over him, and put a fuzzy blanket around my shoulders.

My husband ventured out into the cold night to find a restaurant with power. He arrived home with salted peppered cod and garlic broccoli and kung pao shrimp from Powell Seafood, and the news that there were now 100,000 people without power in the greater Portland area.

At 8:03 our lights came on! Stripy was glad to get into his warm tank and eat some crickets. The humans were glad to catch up on what we had missed electronically in the past five hours.

Stripy poops biweekly, and does so in a predictable way – pretty much every time I put him in the bathtub; warm water brings it on for him like coffee does for me.

His poop in interesting. Part of it is white and rubbery, part of it loose and greenish brown.

At 2 in the morning my partner woke me. The power is off again, he says. PGE says the cause is under investigation and there is no estimated time for the power to return. In my Ambien induced slumber, I mumbled, “Please … bring me Stripy…”.

Stripy settled on my chest and closed his eyes. He clung to my nightie like a bur on a wool sweater, both of us covered with the duvet. Our dogs are not happy about Stripy joining us in the bed, and they move as close to my head as they can.

My partner kept checking on Stripy, to make sure he was staying on me, not straying into the sheets. But he needn’t worried. Why would this lizard leave the best heat source in the house -- a woman going through a menopausal transition?

Flanked by dogs, a lizard, and my partner who at this point in the pandemic has not just a beard, but a full wizard’s beard, we sleep. But not well. Our thermostat now says 54 degrees. I am worried about the crickets -- they are no longer chirping. but I am not going to snuggle them.

It is windy. My neighbor's roof is covered with snow and smoke is coming out of her chimney. Branches come down from the weight of ice. A car explodes and burns when a power line falls on it. All over Portland, people are lighting candles and caressing their reptiles, trying to keep them warm.

Stripy has two tanks – one at school, and one at home. His at-school tank is what I think of as his studio apartment; it’s furnished with a doll’s bed covered with a patchwork quilt, a hammock, a tiny ceramic toilet, and a small, hard copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar. At home, he has a “desert” tank where I’ve built him tunnels and hillocks out of excavator sand.

In the summer, at the end of the day, he likes to join my family on the patio. We have cheese and crackers and glasses of chardonnay, and Stripy gets his own glass platter of mealworms. Yes, I know the mealworms are fatty and are supposed to be a treat, not a regular staple, which is why I’ve been trying to transition him to crickets. I want Stripy to chase crickets like how the beardie in the YouTube video chases blueberries, but he doesn’t.

I believe he doesn’t chase his food because he doesn’t have to.

He waits until a cricket crawls up on his hillock and then -- a quick snap nom nom nom -- he chomps on them. A drop of cricket juice spatters from his mouth.

But I know he still has his instincts, because I have watched him shoot across the patio to catch and eat a bee.

At school, the kids touch Stripy with one finger, and they know not to pet his head. Heads are personal spaces, and plus, that third eye! The first time I saw his third eye, I thought a child had drawn on him with marker.

When not roaming about the animal room, or sunning himself under a UV light, Stripy is carried in a woven sea grass basket filled with silks. He has castles built for him out of Magnatiles. The children pick fresh arugula for him from the garden and hand feed it to him. They sketch pictures of him that are pinned to the wall. The kids love him. They tell him this on a daily basis. They don’t imbue him with meaning, they just recognize him as sentient being.

The kids marvel at how his spikes look so sharp but are actually soft. They touch him and talk about his textures and colors, the orange rings encircling his eyes, his soft belly, his pointy tail. We watch his torso expand as he sighs, relaxing into his body.

What are those holes in the sides of his head?

What do you think they are?

Can he hear me? Why aren’t his ears on the outside like mine?

Will he lick me?

He might.

Why did he lick me!

He is tasting you. He’s finding out who you are.

This bearded dragon, does he know how to fly?

Not yet.

Well, his mommy needs to teach him!

I ask him questions in front of the kids … Stripy, do you want some dandelion greens? Oh, you do!  Oh, Stripy, I can see you don’t want to be held right now. You want to move across the floor on your own!

I regularly give animacy to inanimate objects, too.

What is he saying now, Teacher Nikki?

What do you think he is saying?

Caring for animals helps us to build compassion. I want the kids to know that the animals are communicating with us, we just have to listen.

Sometimes, on my way home from work when I stop at Trader Joes, Stripy tells me that he doesn’t want to be left alone in the car, so I set him on my shoulder and he lies very still (but is supremely alert and watches everything) as I walk around the frozen foods and the wine aisles. Kids always notice him and want to connect. The crew usually notice him, too, and greet him with a wink. My sister, who likes animals but doesn’t have any, when I tell her about my experiences in Trader Joes with Stripy, says “Oh, Nik-Nac, you’ve become one of those people.”

And yes, I guess I have, it’s true. I have become that lady with the bearded dragon.

No, we are not supposed to have a lizard in a preschool -- because of the salmonella risk. However, I believe that risk is an inherent and natural consequence of childhood. Our preschoolers take turns on a broken seesaw that was homemade to begin with. They build with crates and cardboard boxes we scavenge from the furniture store on the corner. There is sometimes a sprinkling of nails in our sandbox. We have earthquakes here, and floods, and ice-storms.  Our children breathe harmful air from wildfires. We have lockdown drills to prepare us for potential active shooters in our schools – a little salmonella isn’t going to shut things down for us!

In my more than 30 years of teaching with animals, I have probably exposed thousands of children to salmonella. It will be okay. For those of you who are still worried, let me tell you a little story.

I hosted a special COVID sleepover for some school-age kids recently (the kids were all from the same pod) and when it was discovered that one child had forgotten to bring a tooth brush, I said, “that’s okay, just borrow someone’s toothpaste and brush with your finger.” I mimed a demonstration and all the kids made faces of disgust. “I would never brush my teeth with my finger,” I heard. “I put my fingers in my butt too much!”

We do wash our hands as often as possible.

[thirtysomethingloser92]

Chapter 5

Masterlist/ Warnings.

@pansexualwho​  imthedoctorlove

Mentions of suicide in this chapter.   

                                                  Decisions. 

The TARDIS landed with a loud thud, making you fall backwards, The Master reaching out to try and catch you, but not reaching you in time. Jeremy, the resident TARDIS pet you had acquired, ran over to you. You scratched behind his ears before taking your lover's hand and allowing him to pull you up. "Maybe not so hard next time?" You offered as you dusted off your pants and brushed the dirt off your hands.

The Master walked over to the door, "Well perhaps your precious Doctor needs to find a better place for a catch up,"

You grinned and bounced on your feet behind him, "Hold down the fort Jeremy," You called out to the creature who was sitting lazily on the couch. You could feel The Master roll his eyes through the bond, another smile crossed your face. He may pretend not to like the creature you had brought on board, but you have caught him on numerous occasions allowing it to sleep on his lap or absently petting it's head. Not that he would openly admit it.

"Oh I can't wait to see them again," You smiled, pushing past The Master and finding yourself on a large space station, "Huh, not exactly where I thought we would end up. Where are we?"

The Master came to stand next to you, "71st Century. Parliament house," He said simply, looking up at the destroyed console, "I thought it would look nicer then this,"

"Looks like someone's trashed the place," You commented, watching as your partner flicked a few switches, "Dead?"

"Yep,"

You continued to look around, the darkness of the room sending a small chill down your spine. You kicked a few of the broken machines that were scattered around the place and turned back to The Master, "I wonder what happened here?"

The Master looked over his shoulder at you, "Whatever happened, doesn't seem like anyone's here,"

The familiar groaning sound made you both turn around, you with a large grin on your face and The Master feigning nonchalance as he continued to play around with the console.

The blue phone box appeared in front of you and the familiar blonde woman stepped out, "I've missed you,"

You let out a loud chuckle and embraced the Time Lady who had whispered, "He hasn't hurt you has he? I don't think he would, but he's unstable and I can't be 100% sure,"

You stepped back and shook your head, "No. We've-we understand each other more now," You stated simply, ignoring the scoff coming from the Time Lord behind you. You moved away and watched as Yasmin, Ryan and Graham all stepped out behind her, each one embracing you harder then the last.

"So now that we're all here, why did you call us?" The Master said, coming to stand next to you.

The Doctor looked between you both, noticing the closeness and slight possessiveness The Master had over you, "Something's happened. Or it's happening. I don't know. But everything is in danger and I've located its origin to here and now,"

The Master shrugged his shoulders, "Why does this concern me?"

"I need your help," She replied, her brown eyes meeting his.

The Time Lord shook his head, "You've saved the universe before without my help,"

You reached down and laced your fingers with his, making him look down and look back at you. You both seemed to be having a silent conversation, you silently begging him to help. You could see the conflict behind his eyes, it wasn't in his nature to help save something, his nature was chaos and destruction. Letting out an annoyed sigh, he turned back to The Doctor, "Fine. What is it?"

To say that The Master wan't happy about there being a bio weapon on board the ship and it having wiped out all life on board before you had arrived was an understatement.

To say that he was pissed that you chose to go with Graham instead of staying by his side was an even bigger understatement. You could feel it in the bond, his annoyance, his anger at you choosing to leave his side,of you choosing to leave the safety of his side so you could hunt down some clues on what had happened on board made him even more frustrated.

Graham followed slightly behind you, leaving you to man the torch and to lead the way. It was like you had done this a thousand times before, ducking and weaving under and around exposed wires and broken pieces of the station scattered around your feet and head.

“So…” Graham started, ducking under the overhanging wires, “You and The Master then?” You turned back to look at him before facing forward, “Its a very long and very complicated story that one,” “So is everything when travelling with The Doctor” You shrugged a shoulder, “That’s a fair point actually,”. You gave a small sigh, stopping for a moment for Graham to catch up. “It started when I was a teenager. I would get these brain splitting headaches. Of course my parents and doctors would put it down to stress, or my period, some even said it was psychosomatic,” You glanced over at him to see he was still listening, “I ended up at the Royal Hope Hospital around the same time it was transported to the moon,” “I remember that,” “There I met The Doctor. Told him about my headaches, thought I was a medical anomaly but ended up letting me travel with him anyway. Then I saw Harold Saxon for the first time and it was like my brain was splitting in half. He was a Time Lord, he did some awful things, but one thing The Doctor explained to me was that he was my soulmate. Kind of like this bond, it strengthens the longer we're together, I can feel what he's feeling and vice versa. It was the reason why I was getting the headaches, The Master was-is- mad. He had this drumming in his head and that's what was causing my headaches,"

Graham nodded but you could see he wasn't really following, "So you and him are..."

"I don't know," You shrugged, "I love him. I know that much," You pointed the torch down to where a row of named lockers were, "In here," You let out a small sigh, "I love him, but being with him, it's like fire and heartbreak and pain; but at the same time it's like I can't be without him. Like I physically need him to live,"

"That doesn't sound healthy," Graham commented.

You shook your head, "I sometimes wonder if it is. If it's worth it. And then I see him doing something like he's doing now, saving something, and I realize that maybe there's something good in there after all,"

You moved quickly into the room, pulling open the doors and grabbing the necessary items, smiling at the tiny vacuumed sealed suits, "I love modern tech," You stated, holding up what looked like small zip loc bags filled with clothing. You reached in and grabbed what looked like a tape recorder, flipping it over in your hands a few times.

"What's that?" Graham asked, coming up behind you and looking over your shoulder.

You shrugged, "I dunno. Looks like a tape recorder," You stated, looking at the buttons on the top, "Either way, we'll take it back to The Doctor, see what it is,"

You passed him over a few of the bags and closed the locker again. You head the sound of scuttling come from above you and quickly raised your flashlight to see what it was, upon seeing nothing, you looked back at the older man, seeing that he was as spooked as you were, "Lets get back. I have a strange feeling that we're not alone here,"

You both walked back into the common area, watching The Master and The Doctor arguing over how to deal with the problem. You could see frustration on both their faces, and the two other humans in the room looking exasperated at the scene in front of them.

"Oi," You stepped forward, looking at your lover and your friend, "We found this. It was in the lockers," You handed The Doctor the device and set down the bags, "We also found space suits, just in case. What is it?" You came to stand by The Doctor, looking over her shoulder as she toyed with the device in her hand.

"It's a hologram. Kind of like a Captain's log. Let's see what it says shall we?" The Doctor smiled as she pointed her screwdriver at it, a blue figure coming to stand in the middle of the room. You could see The Master through the figure, staring at it intently.

"It's day 45. Food's running out. Hendricks and Maya got taken by those creatures, whatever they were," The hologram ran a hand down their face, "I don't-I don't know how long we've got. I've tried to send an SOS but they cut down all our lines of communication. If these creatures get a hand on what we have on board this ship it could mean the end of everything," The hologram abruptly cut out, leaving an eeary silence in the room.

The sonic screwdriver was activated and the hologram reappeared, this time the man looked more tired, more drawn. The defeat was evident in his eyes. "Day 70. I-I'm tired. I haven't slept in two days. There's no food, no water. Everyone's dead," Tears fell from their eyes, "The creatures have the bio weapon. I tried. I tried so hard, but in the end they were too strong," The man picked up a pistol, "If you're seeing this, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, but we're all dead," He placed the gun in his mouth and fired, making you jump and your eyes well up with tears.

It didn't take long for the creatures hiding in the darkness to make their presence known, earning you being pulled down the darkened hallway by your leg, leaving the wrath of The Master to everyone in the room. When he told you that he had burned millions for you, the anger in his eyes when he found you told you that the stories were true.

He'd tear down a universe for you.

So now you were stuck by his side instead of helping The Doctor and the other's fight whatever monsters were in the dark. The only idea any of you had to wipe out the bio weapon and the monsters was one large explosion, wiping out the entire station and everything on it.

The Doctor asked The Master, since destruction was his area of expertise.

You were biting your thumb nail, arms crossed over your chest, watching as The Master sat on the grated floor by your feet, murmuring angrily to himself as he twisted and pulled wires out of the small compartment. You knew that he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be helping The Doctor and her companions, he didn't want to be helping save the universe, but he was.

Biting on your lip, you placed your hands in your back pockets, "Ya know, we could leave right?" You said quietly, watching as his back tensed and he slowly turned his head to face you, "We could dump all this right now, head back to the TARDIS. Leave The Doctor and everyone else to sort it out like they always do," You let out the breath you were longing as The Master shifted to get comfortable, facing you fully now, curiosity crossing his face, "Just float in space. The two of us,"

A small smile crossed his face as he let out a huff, shaking his head and grabbing your hand, pulling you down to eye level; "You'd never forgive yourself if you did that,"

"But you could always say that we're leaving," You retorted simply, swallowing deeply, "And I would follow you. I'll always follow you,"

His hand came up and rested on your cheek, his lips moving forward to press on your forehead, "What? And leave the possibility of your friends to die?" He shook his head, "Like I said, you'd never forgive yourself if anything happened that you could have prevented," He turned back around to face what he was doing, "See that black wire in the back there, can you reach in and pull it out? My hands are too big,"

You bent down next to him and reached in, your hand weaving in and out of the wires trying to grip the one he was describing to you. You could feel his eyes on you, watching you with a soft smile on his face. You could feel the adoration through the bond, the feeling of wanting nothing more then to hold you to him the way that he did the previous night.

"I think I've got it," You stated, giving it a hard yank and pulling it out, "Genius," You joked as The Master bent back down and began twisting the wires together.

You sat down next to him and watching his face, seeing the determination in his eyes, "You're only doing this for me aren't you?" He gave a small sigh and turned to face you, "I'd do anything you asked of me if it means that you're happy," He said simply before turning around and continuing on his project.

"I love you," You said simply, watching the smile cross his face, the happiness through the bond.

"I know you do," He replied, standing up and making his way over to the next large console, pulling out the underside and pulling out all the wires again.

He stopped what he was doing for a moment before looking over at you, "After this, how about we go to that planet we were talking about? The one with the hot ice pools? I'll drop you off, pick you up after a few hours," He stated simply.

You shrugged your shoulders, "But I'll be bored without you there," You retorted, "How about we go to that forest you were talking about? That one that has the universes largest trees,"

"Make some new memories," The Master said, his voice was quiet as he turned back to the console. You felt a dash of sadness through the bond but chose to ignore it, instead moving over to the large glass window that looked over the planet below.

The yellow and green swirls covered the atmosphere, the moons lazily floating around it. Your hand pressed against the glass, watching the the clouds move around the plant, "It's so beautiful up here," You stated, turning back to The Master who was still working on the final console.

There was a quietness in the room that seemed to unease you and made you turn away from the window. , "So what's the plan anyway? Blow up everything on the ship and run away?"

A slightly manic grin came over The Master's face, holding up the tape recorder you had found hours earlier, except it now had many wires sticking out of it, "It had radioactive substances in it, I'm using it to create a bomb. I'll need a few more if we're to wipe out the whole station so The Doctor and her groupies have gone off to find some more," He explained, watching as you came over and crouched down next to him.

"Destruction and chaos. Your two favorite things," You joked.

He gave a small shrug, "I only have three," He placed the bomb back on the ground and continued wiring it, "You're my first favorite," He stated simply, leaving you with a large grin on your face. “After this, I’ll take you home if you’d like?” He said suddenly, leaving your eyebrows to furrow in confusion, “You know, since you’ve been bugging me about it,” You let out a small chuckle, “I haven’t asked you about Earth in months. Besides, you hate it there. And I like it here, with you,”  Another pang of sadness came through the bond, leaving your heart aching slightly, “That’s the second time I’ve felt your sadness today. What’s wrong?”  The Master froze for barely a split second, but you still saw it, “Nothing’s wrong. I just hate the fact that I’m here doing this for someone I barely even like,”  “You liar. I know you like The Doctor in your own strange way,”  He looked up at you, “I like her because she keeps bringing me you,” He turned back, “Not for any other reason,” You shook your head, “No, it’s something else that’s the matter. Something deeper,” You moved close to him, “Please tell me,”  You watched as his jaw clenched a few times before pointing to his TARDIS, “Go in there, under the console there’s a tiny white rock attached by yellow wires. Can you grab that for me?” “What’s it for?”  “To make the explosion bigger. If we’re going to make an explosion, then we better make it a good one,”

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 98

98

   It was weird to have slow weeks again with all the excitement Keith had brought into his life. Keith had called to update him on things in Platt which weren’t exactly good. A scuffle had broken out between three vampire clans, so Lotor, and his generals, were now calling VOLTRON home for the foreseeable future. Asking far too much over Lance for Keith’s comfort. Keith and Shiro were both back in with Blades after the failure of a mission, though Keith was two weeks out of loop, so he’d had to work extra time to catch up on everything he’d missed. Then the last two weeks August had seemed to disappear into thin air, without seeing Keith. Lance honestly didn’t know where they’d gone, only that they were wankers for leaving him without Keith for so long.

  Filled in far too much, Sendak seemed to be the cause of the recent vampire fighting. The four clans suffering heavy casualties, which meant pretty much every night hunters and Blades were on the look out of for potential vampires turning humans to bolster their numbers. Plus they had to deal with werewolves getting all uppity with their mangy noses out of joint. Two murders had made their way into the news, the reports on the details varied differently with between each printed news report. Someone had brought up the question of it being related to the theft he and Keith committed, with that particular story disappearing within 6 hours of making it to socials. The Blades could make anything disappear, maybe even him if they got sick of all these vampire drama. Lance didn’t envy Keith at all. He knew his boyfriend was working hard, even harder as he tried to avoid his approaching birthday weekend... despite how freakin’ long it was until their holiday. The broody anger loaf as as bad at him over birthdays. He could have easily pushed it to the back of his mind, but instead he wanted all the information and considered hiking it ahead of time so they wouldn’t get lost.

  Lance was working in his own way. Pidge found them a “case” a few towns over. Lance didn’t want to go. He felt wiped from his heat. Pidge had no pity for him after a “romantic week away”, Lance ending up going. Matt coming along for the night and succeeding in pissing off Pidge by explaining away phenomenons with science. He was kind of right. There wasn’t the feeling of death in the building despite its age, nor any annoying shadows to ignore. Hunk saved them all from Pidge’s bad mood by suggesting the turn the video into a “debunk” video for the watchers. It was nice to have part of his old life back. He felt as if things were finally settling down for the Garrison Trio, and that they’d worked past his whole “vampire” issue. A new video landed him a couple of new clients seeking advice, giving him a chance to feel helpful in a different way from tagging along because Lotor wanted it.

  Vegged out on the sofa, their new family member mooed loudly from outside. Yeah. They’d kept the damn cow. Three weeks seemed too long to now be going out and finding the owner seeing she hadn’t been reported missing. They’d even named her Kaltenecker. Blue wasn’t fond of her. Her Royal Highness was sulking as it was. She and Kosmo had gotten pretty close, Lance feeling she missed the hyperactive pup as much as he missed Keith. She’d tried to be friendly with Kaltenecker, but was out the moment Kalternecker’s long slobbery tongue passed over her head. He didn’t like to admit that he slept with one of Keith’s shirts over his pillow these days, because it felt kind of stalkerish and really rather lame. He couldn’t help that he slept better with Keith’s scent close to him, despite the fact he felt a 45 year old man should probably have grown out of nightmares long ago.

  Matt and Rieva both tried to help with his nightmares. Lance appreciated the thought, but his dreams had been so weird lately that he had no idea what to make of them. Sometimes they were about him being turned. Sometimes he’d turned Keith in them and they were having the weirdest adventures. He’d had one dream where he was pregnant and Keith was on a quest to find him shorts... though, the worst dream he’d had was when Nyma and Rolo had kidnapped Keith and he’d come home to find his boyfriend dead. It took calling Keith to calm him down from that one.

  There was also one big change in the house that made Lance happy. Curtis had moved back in. When he’d come to check on him at the hotel, they’d talked, entertaining the idea of finding an apartment in Platt, only to decide that it was more practical if Curtis lived there. It was nice to have him back. Curtis felt as lost as he did over not being able to be in the field with Keith and Shiro. Having found a home outside VOLTRON, where his curse wasn’t such a big deal, Lance fully supported Curtis moving in and having fresh air and freedom. Plus, it helped to have someone get as emotional over soap operas as he did. Matt forced to watch the pair of them make fools of themselves as they’d yell at the TV over the script.

  With Rieva at her waitressing job, Lance having cleaned through the house, and nothing much to do, Lance was curled up against Curtis, Christmas shopping for their friends group, and trying to ignore the feelings of anxiety that came with waiting for Keith to check in with him. Seeing he was giving Keith a twin set of blades for his birthday, Lance was facing he dilemma of “Did he buy Keith another blade” or “Should be he buy him camera equipment without knowing anything about cameras”. His boyfriend really did get excited at the idea of stabbing things... Maybe too excited so he shouldn’t give him a potential murder weapon?

  He could always gift Keith a voucher to a camera equipment store, but he didn’t want to spend too much on the voucher and have Keith feel guilty over the cost of the gift. He could probably pick up a vintage camera as a gift...

  Then again, he’d seen some amazing antique blades. As well as custom jobs that seemed to scream Keith’s name at him. It was hard containing himself. Huge gifts would be nice, he’d spoil Keith rotten for every single bad birthday memory he had, yet a heartfelt gift was worth more than spending thousands. That’s why he loved that he had a small selection of Keith’s photos. His photography so super personal that the vampire felt kind of honoured. He adored it. He adored the photos of them all, the photos of the caves, but his favourite was of Keith and Kosmo cuddled up together, even more so of the ones where he was kissing Keith’s cheek. Now he was missing his boyfriend again. God. Okay. No more swords. Time to move on to Shiro and who better to ask than his boyfriend?

  “Hey, Curtis. What are you getting Shiro for Christmas?”

“I’m not going through this again”

Tilting his head back, Lance frowned up at Curtis

“What does that mean?”

Curtis sighed at him

“It means Keith nearly had a mental breakdown trying to decide on your gift. I will not go through that again”

Lance blinked at him, a warm feeling in his belly that his boyfriend cared that much. He didn’t blame Curtis for not wanting to go through that again, a stressed Keith could be very bossy and uncooperative

“No, I’m being literal here. I don’t want to get him the same thing as you. I’m tossing up between getting Keith another blade, or some camera equipment. I thought I’d move onto Shiro”

“Oh. I was sure you were edging into asking what you should purchase for Keith. He was quite the wreck the morning of your birthday. 5 cups of coffee, all in different cups. Pacing nonstop. Freaking out because he hadn’t purchased a present and it had to be just right and in no way lame”

  Lance huffed at Curtis. He really wanted to call Keith now... Their camping trip seemed so long away... 52 days. Every day counting down was being marked off on his office calendar and his friend calendar

“I am trying not to think about how much I miss my boyfriend. What should I get Shiro?”

Shiro was filled with “Dad” vibes. Sometimes it felt he was the only mature one around them

“You could get us matching T-shirts. I’m with stupid pointing to him, and his saying “I am stupid””

“Dude, that seems more like something you should give him. Maybe I’ll skip him for now”

“You could get him an ugly sweater?”

Lance hummed. Shiro was a closet nerd. He’d seen the bobble head collection... and the movie collection...

“That could work. Maybe some socks to make it feel like a dad present. Thanks for the idea. What are you getting him?”

“I’m thinking I should get him an ugly sweater now”

Lance rolled his eyes

“That’s what you told me to get him”

“But it’s such a good idea. Why don’t we all get him ugly sweaters?”

“Because you’re the one who’s going to have to live with the consequences”

“I don’t mind”

“Fiiiiine. But you better gift him something else to make up for it, or he’s really going to think we don’t like him”

“I think I’ll manage. Why are you shopping now?”

“So it’s all out the way. Postage gets hectic around Christmas and if there’s going to be delays than I want the extra time”

  He was letting his age show. But with two months to go before everyone started going mental for Chris, he wanted things all organised so he didn’t have the last minute rush to deal with. He had his eye on a nice outdoor setting as his birthday gift to himself, a little late, but if he timed it right he couldn’t always say it was an early Christmas present. He wanted something bigger to fit them all comfortably, once he’d extended the brickwork... maybe built a pen for Kaltenecker... ohhh... Kaltenecker could have her own stall near the house. They could build a doggy training course for Kosmo... and Matt...

“Curtis, do you know anything about construction”

“Not particularly. Dismantling measures... Explosives. Survival measures”

“Do you want to try building a cow pen with me?”

“No. And you will not be building one either. Go back to your Christmas shopping”

  Lance pouted. Not liking being told not to do something. It wasn’t an ego thing. It was something he’d heard so many times in his life. No matter how good he’d been, he wasn’t good enough

“I did all the repairs on the house for like the most part, and things are still standing”

“So you did the electrics, the plumbing, reroofing...?”

Well... no. The walls had to come down to tackle the mould and... his ego didn’t like what Curtis was saying

“I pulled down the walls and replaced them once I got rid of the mould”

“Great. You broke stuff. Speaking of broken stuff, Matt and Rieva broke the bed again”

“I heard. Maybe it’s time to get them another bed for that room? Instead of two singles pushed together?”

“Weren’t they planning on moving out once their probation ended?”

“That’s beside the point...”

  He really liked having them there. Not just because he’d become friends with them, but for the added security of having two werewolves in the off chance of things going south

“You’re acting delusional. Maybe it’s the stress of Christmas shopping?”

“I’m not stressed. And before you ask, I’ve already ordered your present”

“I know. I’ve been on your laptop”

“Dude! Privacy! I’ve got confidential client... you’re an arsehole”

Curtis started laughing as he snapped at him

“You should have seen your face”

“You should see what I’m going to do to yours”

Curtis brushed his hair back from his horn

“It’s because I’m horny, isn’t it? You wouldn’t hit a horny man”

Lance choked on air. Curtis laughing at him as he spluttered. Part of Curtis’s Christmas present might have to go missing in revenge. Sulkily, Lance snapped his laptop closed. His friend was a dick. He was a raisin cookie pretending to be filled with chocolate goodness

“I’m going to go make lunch while you think about your actions”

And check in on Matt who was doing “Top Secret Research”

“Oh, good. Food and free entertainment. This really is the life”

[libraford]

Gonna say it first- you are never going to see nearly as many men in a flower shop as you are on Valentine’s Day. Close runner up is Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day, but given that this is our busiest day of the year and we don’t even hire temps for Admin Day, there really isn’t much of a contest. 

On an average day, our shop maybe sees between ten and twenty people walking in, with thirty to fifty deliveries. 

On V-Day, the walk-ins start at 7:30am and do not stop until past 7pm, with upwards 500 deliveries and we have to be there for all of it. 

But our V-Day week doesn’t start on V-Day. 

It starts an entire week before the actual holiday, and why? 

Because someone who should have honestly known better booked her $5000 wedding for February 9th. 

Now, when I say that she should have known better, I really do mean it. This woman works in the floral industry. She manages and operates a greenhouse. Her wedding was actually at the greenhouse. 

For context of what a $5000 wedding looks like, our average wedding account is around $1000. This bride got a discount on all her flowers. 

All of hers was greens and tropicals. Anthurium, orchids, succulents, ivy, African Mask. These were all live plants that we had to cut, and some that were being saved whole for a succulent wall. 

Setup had five locations. The church, the cottage, a corridor, the greenhouse, and the foyer. The average is two. 

Monday, February 4, a man calls and informs us that he has the shipment of flowers. 

“How big is the shipment,” Grandpa asks.

“86 boxes.” 

“...ah.” 

Live plants need to be taken out of their boxes to keep them alive- they need light, they need to breathe, and the wedding is at the end of the week. They began unboxing succulents and miniature orchids at 10:30 and finished with the english ivy and African Mask plants around 3:45. 

These take up a grand total of 5 carts. These are large carts- hardly fitting in a doorway and each holding between fifty and one-hundred plants. 

And the only place we can keep them... is in the front of the store. 

For an entire week- and this is the week leading up to our busiest week of the year, we can neither see nor hear any person coming into our shop. 

My desk is positioned in the back of the room, facing the wall. But when I’m working on casket sprays, I pull out a table and have myself facing the door. 

I became the sentry of customers. And unfortunately this meant that I had to deal with them. Just about all of them wanted to buy some of the miniature orchids and I briefly considered moving my desk to the front of the store so that I could hide among the carts like some kind of orchid goblin- smacking the hands of people who get too close to the plants before retreating back into the foliage. 

The number of people wanting to buy the stock from the wedding only increased when we put a big sign on it reading ‘WEDDING, NOT FOR SALE.’

We began working on them Wednesday. And for the next three days we had people asking ‘how much is this centerpiece?’

Too much. 

The answer is ‘too much.’ 

The Phantom of Phaleanopsis asks for nothing less than your soul. 

Friday-

We put the last of the centerpieces together- which includes fifteen very tall mercury glass vases (a shape henceforth known as a ‘pilsner’)  where the arrangements are designed in a dish and set on top of the vase. 

Because theses vases are so tall, they are set on the floor to be worked on. 

This puts them at about waist-height. 

You know where this is going. 

“Red, can you put this centerpiece away?” 

“Sure thing!”

Red stoops down and begins to carry the vase from the bottom, and just as Grandpa begins to say ‘no, the top- they’re not attached,’ his weight is thrown off and the entire thing topples over and a loud and high-pitched crash resonates through the room. 

If you know mercury glass, you know that when it breaks- it shatters into a million pieces. If you don’t know mercury glass, imagine the last time you’ve seen a busted lightbulb. 

Silence fell over the workshop, and for the first time since we’d opened that day, it was quiet enough to hear the radio. 

I-Iiiiii’m Speechless...., sang Dan + Shay on Central Ohio’s Best Country Station 92.3 WCOL

“Red,” says Grandpa. “Please tell me you know where another one of those might be.” 

Blue speaks up instead. “There’s still one at the front of the shop,” she says, coming to the rescue. Red is very sorry, apologizes profusely and spends the rest of the day outside a five-foot perimeter of Grandpa’s workspace. 

There are at least four more near-misses of the very last pilsner vase being brushed by someone’s leg someone barely grazing the draping ruscus as they walk by. We learn to stay away. Grandpa glares at anyone who comes too near. 

She has just finished the last one and allows Coach to squeeze through to get to the computer. We are cleaning up. We are done. Just one more day and the largest wedding we’ve ever done will be wrapped up and we can move on to Valentine’s Day. 

As Coach turns to go back to his desk, his knee just barely hits a single frond of asparagus fern and we all watch, in slow-motion, as Grandpa catches the centerpiece in one hand, but fails to steady the pilsner. And into a thousand shiny pieces, it shatters- to the tune of Cole Swindell singing ‘...even though we break up in the end.’

“That... was the last one,” she says. “I gotta stop making these things on the fucking floor.” 

That was the last one. There are no more. The only option is to order more pilsners to be delivered at night and hope to every god that they actually bring them. 

It is now Saturday and everything looks amazing: 

And we are due in at 10:30. 

There are no pilsners. 

And add insult to injury, the night driver came in under cover of darkness and stole all of our pegboards. 

Pegboards are thick, interlocking plastic panels with a grid on them intended to hold pegs of PVC pipe securely. Setting arrangements on them and then surrounding those arrangements with those pegs helps transport them safely. 

We can’t move these without pegboards. All of the vases are mercury glass. They will break. 

Grandpa, summoning the rage of every short person in her family tree, screamed into the phone until someone finally agreed to send back our damn pegboards and the fucking pilsners. 

“Do you not understand that this is a $5000 wedding and that the person getting married is one of our vendors?”  I can only imagine the reason they finally sent someone because the three-headed monster that runs this place felt a swift kick in the wallet.

As soon as a person arrives with our pilsners and pegboards, all four persons required to set up the wedding in four separate vans are out the door, and the bride... is on the phone. 

“Um... I’m due to get married in the next hour and none of your people are here.” 

“They just left a few moments ago,” I said to Kris Stapelton’s ‘Broken Halos.’ The fact that I can hear the country music is a sign that everyone... everyone... is listening. “They’ll be there in just a few moments.” 

“They better be.” 

This is the only time I have heard this woman mad. 

Hours pass and we have no word on anything. No word is good word. Phone calls are bad. We don’t like them here. 

The setup crew returns with good news- everything is fine. Red occupied himself with a standee cut-out of the Pope and took a number of photos with him posing next to him. I’m told this is a Catholic thing. No one could confirm it. 

It is 5:00 and we have made it through another day. 

Sunday morning. 9am. 

The phone rings.

No. 

Just... stop. 

“Hello, uh... this is the greenhouse. See the problem is that when we were taking your uh... what are these tall vases?”

“Pilsners?”

“Yeah, when we took them down we lined them all up. But one of the movers didn’t know that the flowers weren’t attached so... they all kinda tumbled down domino-style. And we kinda broke... all of them.” 

Grandpa did that thing where she kind of laughs and weeps at the same time, to the sound of Brothers Osbourne singing ‘Shoot Me Straight.’ 

[hartigays]

45: they’re drunk laying under the stars hehe

45. “Tell me a secret.”

billy takes a swig of his beer, followed by a drag off his cigarette. he’s reclined back in the grass, looking up at the multitudes of stars twinkling above.

“‘s fucking crazy,” steve says suddenly, looking over at him from where he’s lounging on the ground next to him. “there’s so many.”

“told you,” billy replies, smiling softly. “best seats in the house.”

steve blinks back up a the sky, the ghost of a smile still on his lips. but he looks a little more distant, a faraway look on his face.

billy pauses, waiting to see if he’ll speak. when steve doesn’t say anything, he asks, “what’re you thinking about?”

“i dunno,” steve answers, after another quite pause. “just makes you feel kinda small. there’s so much out there and we’re just...here.”

“don’t go having an existential crisis on me, harrington. i’m too drunk for that shit.”

steve laughs, a sound that seems to bubble up from deep within his chest. a moment later, he sobers, peering over at billy with those big brown eyes of his.

“tell me a secret,” he insists. he’s still looking at billy with watchful eyes. it makes billy feel warm.

“what kind of secret?” billy asks. his throat feels a little tight with steve’s eyes still burning into his.

“any kind.”

billy has a number of things he could talk about. california, his newfound friendship with max, his mother. or why he sometimes can’t sneak out of the house on weekends, when neil is in one of his moods.

or, more importantly, how looking into steve’s big brown doe-eyes makes his heart do a funny dance behind his ribcage. how steve and his infinite well of gentle kindness makes billy feel warm from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. how steve really just makes him want to be a better person.

instead, he says, stupidly, “i don’t really have any secrets.”

“everyone has secrets,” steve says softly, rolling his eyes. but he has a soft smile that’s just on the side of blissfully drunk. “i’ll tell you one of mine. i’m in love.”

billy’s stomach sinks. he looks back up at the stars, swallowing thickly. “that’s not a very good secret, harrington.”

“‘course it is,” steve objects. billy can still see him looking over at him out of the corner of his eye. “you didn’t even ask who it is.”

“do i even want to know?” billy asks. his head is still a little mushy from the copious amount of beer he’s consumed in the last few hours.

“i think so. or at least, i hope.”

billy looks over at him, surprised to find that he’s shifted just a bit closer. his big eyes are still zeroed on on billy, warm and earnest. the desire to lean in and kiss him hits billy the same way it always does - like a punch to the gut.

“is it someone i know?” billy dares to ask after a moment of consideration.

“oh, for sure,” steve tells him. “real good looking. kind of a hothead, but better about it now than in the past. directs it only at assholes who deserve it. drives a really fucking cool car, too. rolls up in that camaro all smooth and shit, and it makes my insides feel all funny and warm. makes me laugh like no one else, jesus christ. i think about him all the time. especially when he’s not around, but even when he is.”

billy’s mind and heart are both racing. he doesn’t - he hadn’t planned for this. hadn’t had any time to brace himself, or thinking of something to say, or figure out how exactly he wants the situation to go.

his heart? it wants billy to pull steve into his arms and kiss him until his lips are numb. but his brain knows that this is dangerous. he’s still in that fucking house with neil, still in this shitty small town where he sees god hates fags written in any given bathroom stall. still terrified to accept that he’s never going to feel for a girl the way he’s always felt for men.

he can’t think clearly. billy stands, trying to clear his head, but being upright just makes him realize how drunk he actually is. he stumbles a little farther down the hill. falters after a moment, flopping down and putting his head between his legs, taking deep, steady breaths.

a moment later, he hears steve stop a few paces behind him before sitting quietly. neither of them say anything for a long time.

“are you okay?” steve finally asks, his voice soft. tentative.

“i don’t...” billy trails off, looking skyward. cursing whatever god may exist for putting him into this world like this, all screwed up and broken. “i can’t do this.”

“that’s okay.” steve’s voice is still soft, gentle. but it’s tinged with sadness, breaking billy’s heart right in half. “if you don’t feel the same, billy, that’s okay. i understand, i promise.”

billy whips around, setting his jaw. “what? that’s not - steve. no. i fuckin’ - you’re all i think about. all day, all the time. i’m - i mean, shit. i’m crazy about you.”

the look on steve’s face is so relieved, so bright and joyful, that it makes billy’s heart ache to reach out to him.

he doesn’t.

“thank god,” steve sighs, laughing a little hysterically. “thank fucking god. but i don’t...i’m not understanding the problem, then.”

“christ, steve, be realistic. how would you suggest we do this?” billy asks. “it’s not like i can be with you the way you want all the time. it’d - we’d be a secret. i couldn’t hold your hand in public, or kiss you in the movie theater. i can’t take you to dinner, or even carry your fuckin’ books to class. we’d have to hide, from everyone. you deserve better than that.”

“billy,” steve starts, looking at him with sad eyes. “it doesn’t matter to me who knows. that’s not why - i want to be with you because you make me happy. just. knowing that you’re mine would be enough.”

“but for how long?” billy is begging him to understand, to see the issue here. it’s not sustainable. “how long will it be enough for you? eventually, you’ll get sick of the hiding. and the secrets and the pretending. if you - if i ever lost you, because of that, i don’t think i could handle that.”

“billy, i don’t...” steve trails off, then sighs. “i get it. i do. i’m sorry i made this harder for you. i just - i wanted you to know how i felt. that every time you look at me, like i’m - like i’m something special, or important, i’m looking at you, too. even when you don’t see it.”

billy makes this soft noise of distress. steve looks like he’s about to break into a thousand tiny little pieces, and billy can’t handle that.

he literally crawls up the hill, getting rid of the distance between them. sits on his knees in front of steve.

“i don’t think you fully understand, just - fuck. just how my much i want to give you everything you need,” billy pleads, willing him to understand why he can’t. “but you - you’re good, steve. you should be with someone who can actually be with you.”

“but i don’t care about who i should be with. i want you. i’m in love with you. we could just - we could go. somewhere else. somewhere we could be together.”

“where would we go?” billy asks, quietly. “we’ll always be freaks to them. wherever we go, it doesn’t matter. they’ll never treat us like we’re normal.”

“then why not just say fuck it, then?” steve demands, suddenly determined. “if they’re never going to accept us, then why keep trying? why not just fucking do what we want?”

steve makes a very good point. so good, in fact, that billy feels a bit dumbfounded.

“i...” billy trails off, his brain firing on all cylinders.

“you don’t have to. if you don’t want to.” steve reaches out, hesitating for a moment before taking his hand. “but we could. say fuck it, i mean. i don’t care what anyone else says. as long as i have you - as long as we have each other, we’ll be alright.”

billy squeezes his hand in his, then finally, finally nods. steve practically sobs out this desperate cry of relief, flinging his arms around billy and burying his face into his neck.

billy’s arms go around him immediately, holding him tight. he breathes in steve’s scent, letting it wash over him and calm the rapid beating of his heart.

“i’m sorry,” he mumbles into steve’s hair. “i’m so sorry.”

steve pulls back, shaking his head. his cheeks are tear-streaked and billy wants to lean in and kiss away every last one. but steve beats him to it. he presses his lips to billy’s. kisses him a little desperately, practically climbing into his lap for better access.

billy doesn’t have any complaints. he lets steve hold him close, lets steve kiss him until he can’t remember what it feels like to be apart from him. he lets steve kiss him until he has to pull back to breathe, resting his forehead against steve’s.

steve toys with one of billy’s curls, looking into his eyes, almost going a little cross-eyed. he giggles and pulls back a bit. “want to keep watching the stars?”

billy just shakes his head, pressing a soft kiss to steve’s jaw.

“nah. i’ve got the perfect view right here.”

[ramblinganthropologist]

Hypoglycemic Shock

Summary: Garrus was warned of a few things when it came to dealing with humans, but this was a new one. Who knew sugar was so important to them?

Setting: Early ME1. 

---

You know, for a turian designed vessel... the Normandy was stupidly human.

“Come on, damn it... open.”

Garrus hissed under his breath as he nudged the door a little harder in the hope it would open. It was supposed to recognize anyone on the ship, but at the moment it still refused to pick him up. Maybe it was just too used to humans at this point – after all, he was the first turian there in a long time. It was a logical thought, but it didn't make him feel any better as he continued to fight for access.

Really, he knew he was overreacting. Shepard was probably fine...

He cursed again as the door to the man's quarters refused to open. All the while, his memory played back when they had gotten off the shuttle. It had been a simple mission for the Spectre and his team – go in, save some people, shoot some mercs. Nobody on their side died or even got hurt much. It was pretty much a perfect mission.

Perfect except for the fact that Shepard had been silent as they got out of their armor in the small cargo bay afterwards. There had been a strange lean to his step as he climbed into the elevator before any of them, eyes more hollow than usual. Not hurt but...  definitely something off.

There were possibilities. Garrus wasn't a medic, but he knew enough about concussions to guess that the man shouldn't be alone where nobody could watch him. If he had knocked his head hard enough, he needed medical attention. The turian hadn't known him long enough, but he could only hope a medic would accept it.

And if he didn't... well, he was tiny. Garrus figured he could probably toss him over his carapace and head over to the medbay if he got difficult.

Speaking of difficult... the lock was still orange. Frustrated, the turian pounded his tightly clenched talons against the door with perhaps more strength than was necessarily. The whole display shuddered, and then went dark. Then the door slid open with a slight hiss, allowing him access to his commanding officer's private quarters.

He would... fix that later. For sure.

“Shepard, your door got stuck.” He called out as he stepped through, looking around the darkened room. Had the man gone to sleep? A noise like that should have woken him up. Speaking of noise – there was an incessant beeping that made him think someone had slept through their alarm. “Shepard, I -”

His motion caused the lights to activate. Garrus felt his heart jump to his cowl as he surveyed the scene in front of him. Shepard wasn't in bed. Instead, he was fully dressed and slumped over his desk, as if he had just collapsed there.

The turian didn't have time to check for breathing. He bounded over to the man's side, nudging him gently so he could see his face. Shepard's eyes were closed, and his skin was pale. He was breathing, but it was shallow and uneven.

“Shepard? Shepard, can you hear me?”

The human moaned something nonsensical and tried to shrug Garrus' hand away, but it was no good. He was moving like he was drunk, and he felt slick with sweat. A thousand diseases rushed through the turian's mind as he started to pick his commanding officer up to take him to the medbay. As he moved him, the man's wrist came into view.

His omni-tool was beeping up a storm. A large red number was displayed on the surface, reading out a glowing 22. A small graph was attached, showing it going steadily down since they had left on the shuttle.

“What the hell?”

At the sound of his voice, a message replaced the number: hypoglycemia detected. Administer emergency glucose supply immediately.

“Glucose supply?” Garrus glanced around  with wide eyes, finally finding a box on the man's desk labeled with the same words. He grabbed for it, knocking the lid open in the process. A few paper tubes spilled out, all bright green.

He had seen Shepard eating those before.

The turian didn't think. He made a grab for one, ripping the paper open as he had seen the human do a thousand times before. The powder inside smelled chemically sour and was a fluorescent shade of green. Gently, he inserted the tube between the man's lips and tilted it back. This too he had seen Shepard do, during a few nights neither of them could sleep.

Would it be enough?

Garrus could feel both their hearts beating as he stood there, waiting and hoping. Minutes ticked by, but they felt like a lifetime. Shepard continued to mumble in his arms, but the number on his wrist was starting to go up. Slowly, it went from 22 to 30, and then it hit 45 after a few more tense moments.

An eye opened at 50.

“What?”

His voice was surprisingly strong, all things considered. Shepard sat up on his own power, holding his head. Color was starting to return to his cheeks, and his heart rate was slowing. His omni-tool was still beeping, but less frenetically.

Garrus felt his heart restart. “Shepard I... you were acting strange. I found you collapsed at your desk.”

The man blinked, like his brain was still turning on. “I collapsed?”

He glanced at his wrist, then grimaced. “Ah, shit. I thought I treated that low. How bad did it get that I passed out?”

And then he glanced lower. “And uh... why are you holding me?”

Garrus almost dropped Shepard. Luckily, he managed to deposit the man in his seat at the last second. He sought the other room's chair just as quickly, his own heart pounding. He could still barely believe his eyes.

What the hell was in that powder to take the Spectre from dead to nearly functional in less than 20 minutes?

It took him a while to find his tongue. “I thought you might need...”

He paused, shaking his head. “Never mind. It was 22. Mind telling me what the hell that was all about?”

Shepard was already peeling off another stick of powder and tossing it back like a shot. It had to be sour – he grimaced a little as it went down. Maybe it was some sort of Alliance energy booster to keep them from passing out in the field? It wasn't like he had seen anyone else with it...

“I have biotic-induced hypoglycemia.” He tossed the empty wrapper away. “Basically, my body's relying on my sugar to keep my biotics going. That 22 was a bad low.”

Garrus nodded, but it didn't mean much to him. “And that caused you to pass out?”

“No sugar, no brain juice, down goes Shepard.” Shepard was checking his omni-tool now; a flash of the wrist showed the turian it was now 70. “I guess I need to tell you the signs of low blood sugar if you're going to hang around.”

He was just so... calm about it. Sure, they were all battle-hardened soldiers... but there was dying from a bullet, and then there was dying because your body forgot how to work. The latter was frankly terrifying to Garrus as he sat there, absorbing the information. His head was spinning, to say the least.

How the hell had this man passed basic with something like that?

“Yeah... you probably should.”

Shepard's face was back to its normal color as he cleaned up his emergency energy supply. “If I start acting like a space cadet or I bump into things more than usual, that's a good sign. Lower I get, the less I make sense. I feel really sweaty, so that was probably going on too.”

His cheeks flushed. “I'm sorry if I... I know it's alarming the first time. Thanks for saving me, Garrus. Any lower and you probably would've had to take me to the med bay.”

Hell, they had been one talon away from the damn place. Still, the turian's heart still refused to slow. He knew he was being ridiculous, but... damn, if a body just giving up on somebody like that wasn't terrifying.

And humans just put up with that?

“Let's just say you were close.” He looked towards the door. “Er... take care of yourself, Shepard. I'll see you around.”

“I will... thanks, Garrus.”

With that, they parted. Garrus started for the door, which was still wide open. A few of the other alliance marines were watching from the other side, none of them looking too surprised. A few even seemed amused.

Shepard was at his side, glancing at the busted panel. “So uh... I'm guessing you broke the door panel coming to my rescue?”

A hole to die in would have been great right then, but life wasn't that kind. Garrus at least managed to keep his head high as he walked past the display. At least he had the memory to glance over his shoulder at where the Spectre was poking at the broken panel.

“I'll come back with my tools to fix that in a few minutes. Just let your sugar return to normal or whatever it has to do.”

At least nobody said anything as the turian retreated to where he kept his things. For once, he was glad to be the only one of his species on the ship as his subvocals blasted out 100% embarrassment. It had been so simple, yet he had gone in like it was the end of the world.

Being on a human ship was clearly doing something to his head. That had to be the answer. Or at least, that was the one he was going to tell himself as he spent the next hour fixing Shepard's door. He just hoped nobody pulled the vid on that rescue...

[komkommertijd]

Toronto Log Day 1

July 7, 2019

Looking at the date today and realizing that it’s really been a year since my summer holiday adventure feels so unreal but I really am motivated to start this little series here today. A few days ago I made a post asking about who would be interested in reading about the weird things I got up to while abroad and I was so happy when I received some answers - I’d probably write this anyway even without anyone paying attention to it, because this is mostly still a thing for myself to relive all the happy moments, but it’s nice knowing that someone cares.

This entire thing started back in 6th grade when I accidentally started getting addicted to sports of all kinds of forms. Ice hockey has always seemed cool to me and it felt fairly easy to get into it. I don’t know why or how it happened but from day one until today, I’ve always supported the same team in the NHL, despite all the pain it inevitably comes with. The Toronto Maple Leafs just had something about them, looking back I’m pretty sure that this “something” is Mitch Marner, that made me want to get into the sport more. Ever since then, my love for the city started growing and it is still always expanding day by day.

Toronto just drew me in, in a way no other city ever managed to, so when I turned 14, the idea of going on an exchange trip slowly started forming in my head. My English at the time was good for the average 8th grader and I had the best teacher ever that year, who further encouraged me to spend some time abroad - he even talked to my mother about it when she dropped me off for a field trip one day. 

I already knew that I wanted to go to either Canada or Australia, but obviously it’s not the smartest idea to send a young kid on a day-long plane trip on their own and Australia seemed like the smarter option to visit for an entire year instead of just a few weeks during summer break. When I stepped up to info points at a language exchange fair in my Maple Leafs jersey, it was pretty clear where this was going to go. 

The months leading up to the trip were a weird combination of excitement and anxiety, getting a passport, doing a language test, booking a flight. I still remember receiving the email of my eTA being approved barely six days before leaving the country. 

After a road trip from the most Eastern end of Germany all the way to Frankfurt Main, plus staying a night at my godmother’s place, right after the last day of school, the big day finally came. The airport in Frankfurt is the largest one in Germany and therefore quite overwhelming when one is confronted with it for the first time. To make things worse, the police had to close some part of the airport so I had to find a way around that area to get to the baggage drop-off. The lines divided into flights to the US and flights to the rest of the world, so my mom got in line with me and my brother. The worst thing was saying goodbye to them in front of the safety check and I swear I cried harder than ever before.

The fear of being on my own settled slightly after I survived the security check and got in line to get my passport checked but inevitably returned when I noticed that boarding would start soon and I had no idea which gate to go to. The guy behind the counter was really nice, telling me to have fun in school in Canada before I was allowed to leave. I arrived at my gate literally right when boarding started and somehow got to my designated seat without too much trouble. It was my first time ever leaving Europe, ever flying on my own and spending more than three hours on a plane, and I was weirdly hyped. I survived the eight hours on my way across the Atlantic Ocean with some actually tasty food, three cups of coke, half a liter of water and not a single toilet break.

Seeing the CN Tower during the landing approach made me a lot more emotional than I wanted to be. It’s still surreal to think that all of this actually happened and seeing the skyline live for the first time is something I’ll remember forever. It was warm when I got out of the plane at around 6 pm and tried hacking the airport WiFi to text my mom that I arrived safely (it was 12 am in Germany, sorry mom). Going through the procedure of declaring my goods was something new entirely and I guess I would’ve died there if my English wasn’t on a general level of acceptance. The guy filling out my form looked at me like I was trying to prank him when I told him that the only real good I was sneaking into the country was mustard (the present for my host family because my home town produces one of Germany’s most well-known mustards, it’s weird) and he struggled with trying to read my German papers about the travel details but ended up figuring out that I wasn’t lying about staying three weeks to waste my summer vacation in school on the other side of the world. 

I somehow found the woman in charge of coordinating our shuttles to our host families or the student’s residence, depending on where each of us chose to stay, and followed her outside into the mess that was the traffic right in front of YYZ. I met another German girl there and started talking to her for a while until we got scolded for not talking in English. The Italian students continued arguing about God knows what while I tried to calm myself down as I watched an Audi drive by - a bit of familiarity 6.5 thousand kilometers away from home. 

My legs were cramping and my sweatpants started feeling a bit sticky in the unexpected warmth of the evening and when I dragged my way too huge suitcase up the driveway of a house in Etobicoke, not too far away from the airport, it all started feeling a bit too real. My Brazilian host family welcomed me with open arms and to this day I’m glad that I got to stay with them, considering all the horror stories I got to hear the following weeks from other students.

I shared a room with Alicja, a Polish girl my age from Warsaw, who reminded me a lot of one of my classmates at first and turned out to be quite a lot more similar to me in some ways than I would’ve expected. We ate our first dinner together and tried to figure out how the hell to get to Adelaide Street East in the middle of downtown Toronto before I spent an hour trying to understand the TTC and almost getting a panic attack about how to use the PRESTO card, which occupies some space in my wallet to this day.

Luckily, our host mother sent us some directions for the following day and provided us both with a token each to get to school after we exchanged numbers and set up a group chat. We figured out that getting to school would take us an hour and a half at least, so we strategically set our alarms to 6:45 am to catch the right bus at 7:20. I was exhausted when I crawled into bed that night with my left leg still cramping once in a while but not jetlagged at all, which seems concerning in hindsight. I struggled with plugging my phone charger into the adapter plug before plugging that into the actual socket and shivered for quite a while before being able to fall asleep - our air-conditioning was broken for some reason and provided us with true Canadian winter vibes (it’s the only way for me to validate the “I survived Canadian cold” button on my backpack). 

It felt weird, falling asleep in a bed in a country so far away from home with no one I know around, in a comfortable bed with my favorite pillow that I take everywhere tucked under my head. I arrived, finally, after dreaming about it for so long, and despite not seeing literally anything but the suburbs and some streets so far, it oddly felt a lot like coming home.