#i was a very depressed 13 year old into doctor who and anime. this thought has come up a lot.

[kalashtars]

the last month of this semester has got me considering disappearing to another country more than any other moment of my life has before, which truly is saying something.

[basilsnotemo]

I like both, you got the golden boy jock that’s quarterback of the football team, in my au, Stan does football, basketball, soccer, and baseball but the only one he’s really passionate about is football, he just does the others because it’s good for his mental health, it keeps him moving, gets him outside and if he’s busy thinking about basketball then there’s no room in his brain for all the dark thoughts he’s trying to avoid.

With the band I think that started around middle school, and it probably starts as an emo/early 2000’s pop punk cover band. But then I think around middle school is when Stan actually starts getting treatment for his mental health issues but I think he’s really opposed to opening up all his thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger (plus he’s really afraid that if he opens up too much he’s gonna end up in the psyche ward) so they have many silent meetings at first, until she hands him a blank notebook and a pen and says “ok, if you won’t talk to me will you at least write it down? It will feel better to get it out of your head I promise” and stan being a super depressed, asshole 13 year old is like yeah whatever but then after awhile he’s like, that’s actually not a bad idea, and then eventually he opens up and starts actually talking in therapy but he goes back and looks at the notebook one day and he’s like huh, these could make good songs, so he rewrites a few things and Crimson Dawn was born.

Then imagine, him going sitting in his room listening to fall out boy while writing music, or coming up with a new DND campaign or learning the rules to a new board game he just got

He’s also buff as hell, not only from doing every sport ever, but also from working on his dads farm (which he avoids like the plague) so stan always has a crazy tan going on.

After his parents get divorced (around middle school) stan mostly lives with his mom in town because it’s closer to the school and also fuck that farm. Stan and his mom have always gotten along very well, she’s not always the most helpful when he has a problem, and she really doesn’t understand his mental illness, but she does make an effort to learn and tries to help him the best she can which is what really matters, she actually took him to the doctor, got him set up with a therapist, and on medication and genuinely tries to help him, unlike somebody else (his dad) who just pretends it’s not happening because “boys don’t cry” going so far as to say stan was faking it for attention after stan got hospitalized. Stan and his dad have never gotten along, it only got worse as he got older, and the second he turned 18 he cut all contact with his dad and he’s never been happier

My Stan’s outfit of choice would be ripped baggy black jeans, black high top converse, some sort of band tshirt (with a long sleeve shirt underneath when it gets cold) some sort of earrings in, black hat. I do think he gets his lip pierced (by Kenny in the school bathroom, very goth) out of rebellion and as a fuck you to his dad, but I don’t think it lasts past high school

He’s got a heart of gold, will help anyone but himself very big on activism for animals and the environment, strictly vegetarian he cares so much about his family and friends, when they found out that Kyle was diabetic, the first thing stan wanted to do was learn how to take care of him, so he learned how to do Kyle’s insulin shots, and check his blood sugar and what all the numbers meant so that he knew what to do just in case, because that’s his best friend/future husband, and his dogs are the most spoiled babies on the planet let me tell you.

When he gets older stan will just find stray dogs and cats on the road and bring them home, he’s like a magnet for this stuff and kyle just shakes his head but lets it happen (he’s very much a “whatever makes my princess happy” type of guy) even though they already had 2 dogs he just likes to see Stan be genuinely happy and smile, which doesn’t happen that often. Stan calls his mom and is like “this is peanut, your new grandpuppy :)” (and Kyle makes fun of him for naming a dog after something he’s allergic to)

He’s got a wicked sweet tooth, of it’s got sugar, it’s going in stan. This man barely drinks water he practically lives off of Dr Pepper, after he quits drinking for good he replaces the alcohol with Dr Pepper, so he did create a different problem for himself, but a much less damaging one in the long run.

He tends to have an ok diet, as a habit from his football days + being married to a type 1 diabetic, Kyle is pretty good about nutrition and keeping them fed a balanced diet. But this guy goes crazy for Taco Bell, late night after football? Taco Bell. Road trip? Taco Bell. Day off and don’t want to cook? Taco Bell. You get the idea, get this man a black bean Crunchwrap and a Baja Blast and he will be your best friend for life. Just don’t forget the diablo sauce, this man douses EVERYTHING in hot sauce it’s never spicy enough.

Oh god i just realized how much I wrote, anyway merry Christmas here’s a character study of stan, specifically from my au but this is the core of how I characterize stan

if you vote you are REQUIRED to comment why or ill make sure you get coal in your stockings 😈

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

TOP 25 BOOKMARKS of 2019

See also: Top 20 Bookmarks of 2018

Hey guys! 

Since this is the last Fic Rec Sunday of the year, I’m going to give y’all the list of my favourite fics that I’ve read this year! I think this is a great way to end off the year, by letting y’all know what I thoroughly enjoyed reading while on my seemingly-never-ending quest to rec you guys the stuff y’all should read! <3 

And of course, I am reducing it to a small list or I will NEVER finish reccing fics because everything I’ve read this year have been fantastic, but these are the ones I’ve found myself going back to a couple times already :)

Hope y’all enjoy! 

------

JOHNLOCK BOOKMARKS

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names, Panic Attack) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination?, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

The Kepler Problem by kinklock (E, 24,270 w., 1 Ch. || Sci-Fi AU, Alien Sherlock, Space Repairman John, Alien Biology, Horny John) – Working in uncharted space exploration was not as exciting as John had hoped, especially when it turned out to be mostly bot maintenance on uninhabited planets. However, the mystery of the repeated, unexplained malfunctions on planet BAK 2212 might turn out to be exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Chaperones by MissDavis (T, 34,114 w., 7 Ch. || 11 Years Post-S4, Fake Relationship, Parentlock, Disney World, Bed / Room Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Insecure John) – Right. Of course. Everyone assumed they were a couple and no one would question it. John put his elbows up on the table so he could rest his head in his hands. "You want to pretend to be a couple so we can chaperone a trip to Disney World with Rosie's class and you won't have to share a room with a stranger?" "Exactly." Sherlock beamed at him. "Don't worry about the cost. The Birmingham case last month paid more than enough to cover expenses for all three of us."

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal, Autistic Sherlock) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

GOOD OMENS

you can dance in a hurricane, but only if you're standing in the eye by be_brave13 (G, 1,456 w., 1 Ch. || Non-Linear Narrative, Light Angst, 6000 Years of Pining / Slow Burn, POV Crowley, 5 and Ones, Idiots in Love, Song Fic) – 5 times Crowley knew he loved Aziraphale and the 1 time he knew Aziraphale loved him back (romantically).

Where Heaven Begins by sussexbound (M, 2,515 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Crowley, Soft Idiots, Emotional Love Making, Hurt/Comfort, Crowley Has Healing Powers, Kissing, Bed Sharing, Crowley POV) – Aziraphale bleeds. Is bleeding. He’s wearing human skin, after all.

In the (Second) Beginning by cherryfeather (M, 2,661 w., 1 Ch. || Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Confessions, Soft Crowley, POV Aziraphale, Post-Canon, First Kiss, Wings) – Aziraphale realizes that Crowley's been saying something rather loudly for a week.

The Picnic; or, the Drawbacks of Loving an Angel by sorrowfulcheese (G, 3,776 w., 1 Ch. || Post-Apocalypse/Canon, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Misunderstandings, Moving On, Picnicking, Idiots in Love, Crowley POV, Cranky Crowley, Mutual Pining, Light Angst with Happy Ending) – Aziraphale lures Crowley out for a picnic. It doesn't go remarkably well.

The slowest moving object in the universe by chamyl (G, 4,996 w., 1 Ch. || God POV, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, Beach Day, Games, Light Humour, Tenderness, Embarassed Crowley, Soft Idiots, First Kiss, Love Confessions) – Crowley and Aziraphale have had feelings for each other for a very long time. It takes a date at the lake and a round of 36 Questions That Lead To Love to give them the final push.

a garden all their own by leaveanote (T, 5,436 w., 1 Ch. || Post Canon, POV Crowley, Emotional Turmoil, Aziraphale Takes Care of Crowley, Crying, Nightmares, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Heart Wrenching Pining, Pining Crowley, Wings, Tired Crowley, Romance, Healing, Massage, Light Angst with Happy Ending) – The aftermath. An exhaustion deeper than body. A secret too heavy to carry when when grief burned so close. Crowley has to tell him. "What am I to you?" A saving thing, an agony, a binary star, tenderness, an unhealed wound, a home, a home, a garden. Come to me, we'll heal together.

i want to hold your hand (goddammit) by PersephonesReign (E, 7,695 w., 5 Ch. || Crowley POV, Pining Crowley, Emotional Turmoil, Slow Burn, Soft Crowley, Angst and Fluff, Love Confessions, Nervous / Anxious Crowley, First Kiss/Time, URT, Wing Kink, Anal, Top Aziraphale / Bottom Crowley, Hand Holding) – Crowley just wants to hold Aziraphale's hand. What's so difficult about that?

A Brief History of Touch by chamyl (E, 11,849 w., 1 Ch. || Moments in Time, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Mutual Pining, Romance, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Masturbation, Almost Kiss, Touch-Starved Crowley, Angst With Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Blow Jobs, Emotional Love Making, Friends to Lovers, Body Worship, Promise of Forever With a Ring) – Six thousand years of pining, stolen glances, almost-touches, plummeting towards the inevitable end.

The Nice and Accurate Love Story of A. J. Crowley and A. Z. Fell by SealandRocks (E, 16,353 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Crowley, Implied Mutual Pining, Emotional Love Making, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, POV Crowley, Jealous Crowley, Crowley’s Plants, Kissing as Healing, Moments in Time, The Arrangement, Love Confessions, Bottom Crowley, Gentle Aziraphale, Slow Burn, Falling in Love, Crowley is Bad at Feelings, First Kiss/Time, Anal Sex / Fingering, Wings / Wing Kink, Porn With Plot, Praise Kink, Kissing in the Rain, Symbolism, Historical References) – Crowley and Aziraphale have been dancing around each other since the beginning. From Eden to London, it eventually becomes very hard to avoid the only other immortal around. And after so many centuries, having a physically body becomes a bit uncomfortable. Crowley is left to wonder what it is about Aziraphale that helps ease the ache in his soul. It would only take him 6000 years to figure out that it was rooted in something deeper all along. Part 1 of Love Stories for the Oblivious

Any Way You Want It by LieutenantLiv (M, 27,585 w., 5 Ch. || Holidays, Slow Burn, Fluff, First Time, Eventual Smut, Swimming, Dreams of Dancing, Kissing in the Rain, Self-Esteem Issues, Misunderstandings, Crying Love Confessions, Soft Crowley, Clingy Crowley, Virgin Aziraphale, Romance) – Saving the world is exhausting work. With Heaven and Hell off their backs, it seems as good a time as any for Crowley and Aziraphale to take a proper break. Neither one of them predicts the direction their holiday takes.Who'd have thought that sharing a cottage in Scotland would be quite so romantic?

[princesssarisa]

22 questions

Thanks, @cinefantastiquemitho!

01. The book that transformed your life. Freak the Mighty. It traumatized me so much in middle school, I think it singlehandedly changed me from a mostly happy (if quiet and overemotional) child into a moody, anxious teenager. The same goes for it’s ‘90s movie adaptation, The Mighty, starring a young Elden Henson and Kieran Culkin. It’s about the unlikely friendship between two misfit middle school boys: Max, the big, hulking, “stupid,” somewhat mentally disabled protagonist with a traumatic past, and “Freak,” an intelligent yet small, severely crippled, and (spoiler alert) terminally ill boy who rides on Max’s shoulders and serves as his “brain,” leading him in modeling their lives after the knights in the Arthurian legends he reads. Basically, it’s like Bridge to Terabithia meets a PG-rated Midnight Cowboy with Arthurian themes. I was forced to read it and watch the movie in school and it shook me to the core because I identified too much with Max. Not that I ever thought I was stupid, but since I was also a physically heavy, intellectually disabled, socially awkward, often teased, withdrawn misfit, I saw myself in him, very, very much. So to watch his struggles, and then in the end to see him devastated by his only friend’s death, hit hard. If that spirit medium I recently talked to was telling the truth about my past life as Emily Brontë’s best and possibly only friend, then maybe subconsciously I saw her in Freak (since she was also a “freakish” misfit who nonetheless was highly intelligent, witty and imaginative) and relived her illness and death in his. At any rate, it plunged me into a long depression that must have seemed inexplicable to the adults around me.

02. The movie that changed your way of seeing the world. The 1983 telecast of Madama Butterfly from the Arena di Verona, starring Raina Kabaivanska as Cio-Cio-San. In hindsight, it was a flawed production. Kabaivanska was a 49-year-old Bulgarian grand dame, not the least bit convincing as a 15-year-old Japanese girl. The tenor, who was supposed to be her worldly seducer, was young enough to be her son. There wasn’t a single Japanese person in either the cast or the creative team – it was all a European fantasy of Japan. For that matter, Madama Butterfly is inherently problematic with its racial and gender issues (in other news, water is wet). But watching this old telecast on VHS, out of curiosity about Miss Saigon’s source material, was the real beginning of my passion for opera. I was already familiar with The Magic Flute, but this was the start of my love for opera beyond that one. The tragic romance of the story, the visual beauty of the sets and costumes, and Puccini’s sumptuous musical score captivated my fourteen-year-old self. It led me to VHSs of La Traviata, Carmen, La Bohéme, Tosca, Rigoletto, Les Contes d’Hoffmann, L’Orfeo and Turandot, as well as other videos of Butterfly, and then to opera performances onstage. It gave me a new passion and gave me something beautiful to share with other people through “Opera Quest,” the program I’ve created to introduce opera to elementary school students. I’m so, so grateful to it!

03. The music that makes part of the soundtrack of your life. Opera, Broadway/West End show tunes, and Disney songs.

04. Define longing. It’s wanting, but deeper and stronger. It’s constant wanting, painful wanting, wanting that almost becomes obsession.

05. If you got back in time, which scene would you visit of your life? Any of my Thanksgiving visits to my grandma in Mesa, Arizona. Of course I’d love to see her again – she died 12 years ago – but I also loved wandering around the pretty retirement community where she lived, listening to Les Misérables or to Andrew Lloyd Webber on my headphones, and then sometimes swimming in the outdoor pool. I also loved the restaurant we always went to for Thanksgiving dinner, and if possible, going to see the lavish Christmas lights at the Mormon Temple a day or two later.

06. The place where your heart is. Los Angeles. Even though I wasn’t born there, it’s the earliest place I remember. I grew up there and it’s only been four years since I moved away. Every time I’ve gone back to visit since, I I’ve had the overwhelming feeling of “I’m home!” Even though I’m glad not to be living in a big city right now, I wish I lived closer and could visit more often.

07. The travel of your life. I haven’t travelled very much outside the US, though I have been to Canada, London and Ireland. Within the US, I was born in Connecticut, I’ve lived most of my life in California, and I’ve spent a lot of time in New York (relatives live there), Washington State (more relatives live there), Arizona (my grandma lived there), Florida (other grandparents, plus Walt Disney World), Montana (still more relatives), North Carolina (still more), and Minnesota (family friends). Once each I’ve been to Chicago, Boston, Cape Cod, and small towns in Vermont and New Hampshire, and I’d love to go back to each of them one day. I’ve also been to North Dakota, but don’t remember it very well, and I’ve spent at least a few hours each in Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, but not long enough to do much of anything.

08. An author that you have met recently, and whose works you want to continue to read. Not too long ago I took a writing class taught by April Halprin Wayland, who wrote the beautiful Jewish children’s book New Year at the Pier about the tradition of Tashlich on Rosh Hashanah. I’d definitely like to read more of her books, especially her Passover children’s book, More Than Enough. I’d love buy them for my little cousins on the Jewish side of my family.

09. Coffee or tea? Herbal tea. Rooibos chai is my favorite.

10. Who's your Doctor (if you don't watch Doctor Who, who's your favorite character from a TV series)? I couldn’t say. I don’t watch Doctor Who or much TV at all anymore. Let’s just say I love the main characters from all the TV shows I watched when I was little.

11. If you could just throw everything away and live your dream, what would you do? I’d buy a safe and luxurious self-driving RV (this is a fantasy, after all) and travel all over the US, living in a different place for a week, two weeks, or a month at a time. In this fantasy, there’s no pandemic going on, so I have the freedom to go anywhere. I’d visit every big city, every cozy small town, and every notable place of natural beauty, I’d go to the opera and see local productions of Les Misérables wherever I could. I’d visit my relatives whenever I liked. I’d present “Opera Quest” at a local school in each place I visited. But I’d also spend plenty of alone time in my RV, or in whatever hotel or inn I chose to stay in for a little while, and work on the books I’m writing, listen to music and meditate. There would be no pressure on me from anyone to do anything. That would be amazing.

12. If you could choose to be a character from a book, TV series or movie, who you would be? None. Some of them have nice lives, but they all have their problems too, and I’d rather keep my own problems than take on theirs.

13. What makes you not like a story? Characters we’re supposed to like being cruel and spiteful to each other and neither regretting it nor being properly called out for it. If their behavior is clearly supposed to be bad and treated as such within the story, it’s one thing. Even if they never regret their own behavior, that’s fine as long as the other characters call it out as bad. But when they don’t, I feel like the author is saying that anyone would be just as cruel and spiteful in that situation. That it’s no big deal, it’s just human nature and anything better would be unrealistic. I hate that.

14. Do you like romance in stories? Why? Yes, I do like it. Not if it’s badly written, but when it’s well written, I love it. I love watching two characters come to care so deeply for each other, fill each other’s deepest needs and bring each other happiness. Of course that happens with platonic love too, but romance is the way it most often happens in stories.

15. Which book did you hate having read? Well, I didn’t like having to read Candide as a college freshman, because despite all its humor, it’s cynicism depressed me. I was going through a stage where I was feeling overwhelmed by the world’s problems and had turned to idealistic spiritual beliefs to comfort myself, so I hated having to read a book that essentially said “Optimism is stupid, the world is a terrible place, there is no God and no good reason for anything, and all we can do is try to make the best of our individual lives.” (Yes, I know that’s a vast oversimplification of Voltaire’s philosophy – it just came across that way to me at the time.)

16. Which movie did you hate having watched? I’ve already mentioned The Mighty, above, so... another one... When I was seven or eight, I saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time, and I was very disturbed at the end by Wonka’s angry outburst about Charlie and Grandpa Joe stealing the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Of course everyone can agree about how scary and mean Gene Wilder acts in that scene. But imagine how much worse it would be to an ultra-sensitive little kid on the autism spectrum, especially since I wasn’t expecting it. I had read the original book already, so the fates of the four bratty kids and the infamous boat scene didn’t phase me because I knew to expect them. But movie-Wonka’s final test is a movie-only addition, so I had no idea he was going to start screaming at poor Charlie, and to me at that age, an adult suddenly screaming in rage at a child was scarier than a child turning into a blueberry any day. Yes, it’s only a test, Charlie passes it and all ends happily, but it still upset me.

17. Do you like anime/manga? Any favorite? It all looks very nice, but apart from seeing Kiki’s Delivery Service and a few episodes of Pokemon as a kid, I haven’t experienced much of it. Maybe I should explore it more.

18. Who is the best villain you saw in a story? I don’t think I can choose just one from all the stories I know. For the best villain from Shakespeare and opera, I’d probably have to say Iago, because of how thoroughly effective his scheming and manipulation are. For the best Disney villain, I’d have to say Frollo, because of how horribly realistic he is: as an abuser of power, a racist, a religious bigot, a sexual predator, a psychologically abusive foster parent, and in the way he believes everything he does is holy and right. But there are so many good villains in all genres of fiction, choosing just one favorite is impossible.

19. If you could do an interview with any person, alive or dead, from our world, who would you choose and why? William Shakespeare. I have so many questions about his plays. They’ve all been interpreted in hundreds of different ways and I’d like to hear what his real intentions were when he wrote them. And for that matter, if he really did write all of them or if there’s any truth in the anti-Stratfordian theories.

20. If you could meet and and befriend a writer, who would it be? I just said Shakespeare, but I don’t want to repeat the same answer twice... Well, if that spirit medium was right, then I’ve already met and befriended three famous writers in a past life: Charlotte, Emily and Anne Brontë. Supposedly I spent “many hours” with all three of them, but was especially close to Emily. If that’s true, then I’d love to meet them again, do some catching up, and talk with them about the modern controversies surrounding their books... especially Wuthering Heights, which seems to defy easy interpretations of its characters and themes.

21. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I just adore them!

22. If you could choose any time period or society to live, which it would be? A year ago, I would have said “right here, right now.” But with this global pandemic taking place and the future of the world and of America in particular feeling so uncertain, I’ve changed my mind. I’d rather live in one of the fantasy worlds I’ve created: either the Sisterhood of Nira’s valley (the setting of my completed but unpublished novel An Eternal Crown) or Zalina Island (the setting of the Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid retellings I’m working on). Those places might have flaws of their own, but at least they’ve made social progress that this country hasn’t made, and they have magic too. If I could I’d move to one of them, at least until the pandemic is over and we have a new president.

I tag @simone-boccanegra, @astrangechoiceoffavourites, @nitrateglow, @thatvermilionflycatcher, @sunlit-music, @theheightsthatwuthered, @fairychamber, @wuthering-valleys

[grump-the-deer]

stuff about HDM ep 8 + overall season thoughts

in other words.....

FINALE TIME BITCHES

this episode was INCREDIBLE. A+++, perfection.

this is what I expected from the get-go, and what I got a lot of the time.

we got some great exposition + bonding double time with Asriel, some excellent portrayal of Asriel and Marisa’s relationship, plenty of dæmons being cool and adorable respectively (Pan and Salcilia running around playing anyone???), some STUNNING visuals, an epic little fight scene with the fire-hurlers and the zeppelins, some great culmination for Iorek and Lyra’s relationship, good ol’ Thorold development, some more Lyra & Roger development (ESPECIALLY the tent and end scenes - Roger’s death KILLED ME OH MY GOD) - just the perfect fuckin meal.

this was exceptional. round of applause for HDM.

(except the Will being 15 thing. what? why is he so old? he could pass for a tall 13- or 14-year-old. that makes it a little weird. I hope Lyra is supposed to be like 13 now then, idk. that’s still a pretty big difference at that age.)

I really have to wonder though - if they show they can do the above stuff perfectly, why didn’t they do it before???

the Bolvangar episode still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. this episode proves that they can make intercision horrific and emotional, and make it mean something with the dæmons interacting. Salcilia and Roger had good reactions - hell, Lyra reacting to remembering almost being separated from Pan was more emotional than the actual scene itself!! Roger’s death was HEARTBREAKING, thanks to his and his dæmon’s reactions!

they put the dæmons in enough, especially in speaking roles, that even when they weren’t around you didn’t really forget about them. I could always do with more background dæmons, but I can absolutely understand budget restraints - so long as you put them in enough. we need to feel they have an emotional impact on the characters. we need to feel like they ARE characters. not accessories.

Pan was a character in this episode. the things he says and do make an impact on the story. he was not a character in the Bolvangar episode, despite the fact that that was the MOST IMPORTANT episode for him to be around and active in.

they can do it right, but they didn’t. this series would be wonderful if they cut out that episode and reshot it and replaced it with a better take. hell, even just the intercision scene. it wouldn’t be perfect, but it would work.

so, overall:

HDM season 1 was a spectacular ride. the dæmons and bears look fantastic (when they’re actually in the shots), the voices are spot-on, the actors do a phenomenal job, and the writers actually added some interesting extra material and development.

some highlights for me are:

- Iorek and Lyra’s relationship. they got it absolutely perfect, if not better than the original. Iorek is perfectly stoic and bearlike and resolute, but Lyra earns his respect and even adoration, as best a bear can. it feels organic and has plenty of development scenes. just heartwarming.

- Lord Asriel all around. really awesome take on him, James MacAvoy loves him to pieces I can tell. he’s way better than the original, and that’s saying something. he’s got a lot more heart and I feel more connected to him despite him being a complete mad genius.

- Mrs. Coulter, for the most part. she’s got a bit of shaky characterization with Lyra towards the end - I’m not really certain of her motivations at the end - but generally she’s fascinating to watch on screen and absolutely horrible. I love her and I love Ruth Wilson as her. she’s positively uhinged. they did some really bold stuff with her character and her relationship with Lyra and I enjoyed every minute of it.

- Farder Coram ended up being great. he and Lyra are always a pleasure to watch interact. he really grew on me as soon as he started getting characterization, particularly with Serafina and the story of his son.

- the cinematography, lighting, set design, and graphics. I couldn’t ask for anything more. they went above and beyond and the framing and this world and its creatures look AMAZING. 10/10. hats off to the animation team in particular, of course.

- the acting. the acting is absolutely brilliant. particular standouts include Dafne Keen as Lyra, of course, James MacAvoy as Lord Asriel, Ruth Wilson as Mrs. Coulter, the voice of Iofur Raknison, and Farder Coram. honorable mention for Will, because he gets the character down so incredibly well.

- the respect for the source material. we’ve seen it blow up once with the Golden Compass movie, but this production obviously has every ounce of loyalty to the original. well, almost every ounce. the stuff they added ended up working very well and feeling organic to the original, and the stuff they kept, especially the verbatim lines, was delivered exceptionally. it’s clear they really care about the story they’re giving us.

- the opening credits are the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. a beautiful tribute to the magic of this series’ themes and world.

and some notably bad stuff, a couple that almost come close to ruining it for me:

- Lee Scoresby. an absolute mess. one moment he’s true to the original character and being sarcastic and selfish, and the next he’s stealing pocketwatches for funsies, yelling out his dangerous motivations in the middle of a town infested with armed Magisterium soldiers, and cooing over Lyra like she’s his flesh and blood and he got injected with Mother Hen Juice. he’s genuinely stupid. his characterization is all over the place. his “development” with Lyra is either nonexistent or rushed, and the only thing he actually does for the plot is fly the damn balloon for about 5 minutes tops. Hester is his only saving grace, and even she can’t do it all. I’m sorry Lin, I really love your work in Hamilton, but this was really disappointing. and I have to blame the writing mainly. they wouldn’t let Lin act a character, they had to shape the character around him. and the whole thing suffered for it.

- the intercision, and dæmon relationships. the Bolvangar episode wasn’t terrible overall, but it did not build up well to the intercision scene, and the episodes around it didn’t help either - especially the previous one. Billy’s death was not sad for me, because the middle of the show did not utilize dæmon relationships with their humans and dæmons as actual characters. we didn’t see them interacting enough with their people to matter consistently to us. the first couple of episodes did this bonding beautifully, even with budget restraints to how many dæmons could be in a shot, and how frequently they could come up. they showed us just enough for us to care about them and what they mean to their humans, particularly Pan and Lyra, and conveniently kept them out of frame when they weren’t necessary to the dialogue between humans.

they can do it properly, but they chose to let it fall by the wayside towards the middle, and it really shot the show in the foot. almost irreparably, I’d wager. Bolvangar, for all its masterful horror trope usage and suspense, was not nearly horrific enough nor emotional at all, thanks to the lack of buildup. we did not care about dæmons and their humans beyond knowing the humans are basically dead without them. there was no feeling behind the threat of Lyra and Pan getting split apart, other than Lyra becoming a shell. the focus was on Lyra and Mrs. Coulter’s relationship, which I don’t have a problem with - but not at the cost of Lyra and her dæmon. you know, the very FIRST line of the books? the main theme of the entire book? arguably the whole SERIES? dæmons as souls, as a person’s sense of free will and consciousness? kind of important to develop an emotional attachment to, don’t you think?

- the Gyptian leads (sans Farder Coram). Ma Costa was passable. she did a lot of crying and a lot of being desperate and pining for her son, and not a lot of kicking ass, proportionally. she didn’t come off as a strong boat mother at the center of her family with sway in her community. she came off as a wiry and lost soul who is somewhat capable but more interested in being depressed and worried. she did get to shine when she killed the Bolvangar doctor, but that wasn’t enough for me.

John Faa was boring. he was a hardass and only every so often came across as the original jovial, caring, but no-nonsense King of the Gyptians. most of the time he was just telling someone not to do something or insisting someone do something. no real personality other than being serious.

Billy Costa had no real character. a waste, considering we’re supposed to care about his death.

Tony Costa was alright. he was kind of a loser, which I guess is okay. I liked capable Tony and his gobbler-fightin’ gang from the books better though. he had a couple good moments with Lyra, and Benjamin was a good addition.

- the themes of belonging. I don’t like how they changed the message about Lyra belonging in different groups. the point isn’t that she can “be anyone she wants to be” - that’s not how real life works, or should work. she can live with the gyptians and like them, but Ma Costa in the books asserts that she can’t be a gyptian, because she’s not part of their ethnic group. a similar message was overlooked with the bears - Iorek gave her the name Silvertongue because of his deep respect for her and what she had done for him, not because she was “one of us bears” now. she isn’t a bear, she’s a human.

the point is that she doesn’t have to be something to find an emotional home with the people themselves. it’s about what she builds, surpassing what she is - which is a product of two twisted, misguided people - taking what’s given to her and making it into something beautiful of her own volition. it’s a very nuanced theme and it’s basically thrown aside in this adaptation in favor of pseudo-colorblindness theory that origins don’t matter and you can stuff yourself anywhere you please. it’s not a deal-breaking point and most people probably won’t pay attention to it, but it’s worth mentioning anyway.

-

so overall, the show was really really spectacular. a ton of fun, beautifully crafted, with a few hiccups and one major major issue. the dæmon thing gouged out a good chunk of the enjoyment for me, and the integrity of the actual story too. a huge huge blunder on Jack Thorne’s part. I’d like to say they recovered from it, because they did do a pretty great job wrapping things up, but it still lingers in the back of my mind as a big blemish on an otherwise incredible work.

I have high hopes for the future seasons though, when dæmons aren’t around as frequently and less characters are on screen, so there will be more time and budget available to be devoted to them, particularly Pan as a character. they’ve shown they can handle this material skillfully, and I have a good amount of faith in them. I can’t wait to see what else they do with the concepts I’ve come to adore so much.

[the-girl-who-loves-monsters]

1-59

1.Selfie

2.What would I name my future kids? Morgan, Aidan, Conor

3.Do I miss anyone? I miss a few people. Old friends I miss my dad.

4. What am I looking forward to? My little nerd heart is looking forward to Captain Marvel😸

5. Is there anyone who can always make you smile? There are a couple people who can, but on my worst days my son can make me smile with a joke or his kindness to me and others.

6. Is it hard for you to get over someone? It depends on the situation, type of relationship, and how it ended.

7. What was your life like last year? Confusion, heartache, loss, pain, and finally clarity.

8. Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Yes a few times lol.

9. Who did I last see in person? My mum!

10. Are you good at hiding your feelings? I can be very good at hiding my feelings, until I reach that breaking point.

11. Are you listening to music right now? No, Child's Play and Chucky is screaming obscenities.

12. What is something you want right now? My head and throat to stop hurting from being so sick.

13. How do you feel right now? Content for the most part.

14. When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Today, my son.

15. Personality description. Shy and quiet til I'm comfortable, then ridiculous and sarcastic.

16.Have you ever wanted to tell somebody something and didn't? Yes frequently.

17. Opinion on insecurities? they suck

18. Do you miss how things were a year ago? Not at all. On top of everything else, I was highly unwell mentally. Things are changing for the best now.

19. Been to New York? No

20. What is my favourite song at the moment? Pet Semetary Ramones

21. Age and Birthday? 33 and January

22. Description of Crush? Small, pink, adorable, beady black eyes. Sucks up his enimes.

23.Fears? Loosing myself to depression again.

24.Height? 5'5

25. Role Model? My mum. Don't always agree, but she has inspired me.

26.Idols? Bettie Page, Cassandra Peterson, Guillermo del Toro list goes on.

27. Things I hate? Stupidity, racism, douchebags who can't just respect others and mind their own business. Decaf coffee

28. I'll love you if...are a good honest and respectful person.

29. Favourite films? Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Shadow of a Doubt, Rope, The Bad Seed, Evil Dead, What We Do in the Shadows.

30. Favourite tv shows? Doctor Who, The Office, Man Down, Farscape, Absolutely Fabulous, Jessica Jones, Chewing Gum, The Young Ones and tons more.

31. 3 random facts. When I can I love to go on runs at night, it's the perfect time. I have read Mists of Avalon 8 times I adore it. I used to be scared of the dark, now I love it.

32. Are your friends mainly guys or girls? I have more girls than guys as friends.

33. Something I want to learn? How to not let my anxiety overtake my thoughts.

34. Most embarrassing moment? Rather not say😊

35. Favourite subject? Psychology

36. 3 dreams I want to fulfill? Finish college. Go to Norway. Find peace and balance in my life.

37. Favourite actress? Cate Blanchett😍

38. Favourite comedians George Carlin, Robin Williams, Eddie Izard, Roy Wood Jr. Sarah Silverman, Illiza Shlesinger Patton Oswald and tons more.

39. Favourite sports? Hockey and soccer. Used to watch wrestling with my dad all way back as a kid, but haven't in awhile since he had been sick and then passed.

40. Favourite Memory? It would be every horror movie my mom took me to go see or we would watch at home. Bonded over those.

41. Relationship status? Content

42. Favourite books? Mists of Avalon, The Stand, Frankenstein, list goes on. On top of all the comics and graphic novels Watchmen, Loki, and The Dark Kight and Xmen vs. The Avengers just to name a few.

43. Favourite Song Ever? Paranoid Black Sabbath

44. Age you get mistsken for? 28

45. How you found out about your idol? My parents usually showing me things they liked.

46. What my last text message says? "Good night. Talk to you tomorrow after my appointnent." To my bestie she always checking up on me😊

47. Turn ons? Honesty, respect, a love for nerd things, funny personality, romantic and caring.

48. Turn offs? Dishonesty, disrespect number of things.

49. Where I want to be right now? I don't really want to say, kinda personal. 2nd choice would be in a cabin in the mountains chilling outside waiting for the sun to come up.

50. Favourite pic of my Idol (Gif is better)

51. Starsign? Capricorn

52. Something I'm talented at? Writing

53. 5 things that make me happy? Music, books, comedy, my son, and going on a run or hike.

54. Something worrying me at the moment? My anxiety has me worry over everything, but at this point for once nothing. Things are for once going slightly in my favor and I'm as content as I can ask.

55. Tumblr Friends? So many wonderful people on here to remember all the tags but @salems-mystical-misfit @shaylalovebug @mywayforward18 @devilmingy @aciddayydreamss @cinnamonbritches @song-of-the-reaper @squish-monsterr @e-a-t-m-y-d-e-a-d-c-o-c-k @my-heart-fiction-superstition @order-of-kinky-beeings @thesolitarysubmissive @richard-is-bored and so many more awesome people old and brand new who have been so lovely💕🌸🌸

56. Favourite foods? Pasta, pizza, spinach salads, and spinach and rice.

57. Favourite animals? Foxes, wolves, penguins, turtles, bats, octopus, elephants, meercats,dogs and cats.

58. Description of my best friend. 5'7 average body type with a booty to be proud of, long brown hair and a sweet face.

59. Why I joined Tumblr? Couple old friends were on it and I checked it out and enjoyed what I saw. Made a few cool friends and enjoyed it better than Facebook.

Thank you 😊

[tangyyyy]

Lucille and Eliott met when they were both very young, here is a piece of their love story. They truly loved each other, maybe in a wrong way, but love isn’t always an easy thing to live and to do. From 2014 to 2019. From Lucille to Lucas, with a lot of Eliott in the middle. 

To be born again

Sunday, September 25, 2016, 5:20 pm

Lucille's comeback to school has been pretty well. She cameback to her daily routine between high school and home, friends and family, parties and homework. As for Eliott... She had almost no news. Mrs. Demaury had called her one day, in mid-September. The psychiatrist of the unit where Eliott was hospitalized diagnosed the young man with serious bipolar disorder. Last year's depressive episode following Ali's death had been misdiagnosed, as the doctor at the time had prescribed simple anti-depressants, which only worsened his state of mind. Now, properly supported, Eliott was getting better and better every day, and he could soon go home. She also told him that the young man had quickly left his “girlfriend”. For the first time in many weeks, Mrs. Demaury seemed optimistic. And since then, nothing. Lucille didn't know anything. He was at home, the girl knew it, seeing the light in her room lit up every night. But he hadn't contacted her, left her no message. That wasn't very surprising after all. What did you expect? Lucille thought bitterly. In crisis or not, he had broken with her, they were no longer a couple, what right could she claim?

Nevertheless, this Sunday, while Lucille was lying on the couch alongside her brother, watching a sitcom, her cell phone vibrated against the small coffee table in the living room. Stretching her arm towards the phone, the girl's heart stopped as she saw Eliott's name on the screen. Impatient, she opened the text in a hurry. "Hi :) Do you think we could see each other? " The message was short and laconic. Lucille answered quickly. "Hi ! ;) Yes, yes of course! My mother and my brother are at home. At yours?" "No, my parents are here. On our bench?” The phone in one hand, Lucille wrote a quick text while rushing into her room. "Ok, I'll be there in a minute." Barely taking the time to put on a pair of jeans and a light jacket, the girl brushed her hair briefly, pulled an old pair of Converse and walked out of the apartment.

At the edge of the small square, Lucille saw Eliott already sit on their bench. As he didn't see her coming, she took advantage of it to stop a few moments in order to stare at him. He seemed calm,  very quiet. Sitting, his legs were motionless, his body wasn't moving in all directions like weeks before. He was just waiting patiently for her own arrival. Walking slightly, she saw his face. He seemed to have grown (or aged) of a few years in barely a month. He seemed to have regained some weight but something more had changed without Lucille knowing what exactly. He was no longer a child or even a teenager, he was a man. Young, yes, but a man anyway. Someone injured fighting to survive. Anyway, he was still beautiful and Lucille couldn't help but smile. Oh how much she had missed him... The girl took a deep breath and bravely walked towards him. Eliott noticed her and smiled shyly. Not knowing how to greet him (Kiss? Hug? Something more formal?) Lucille just smiled back and sat down next to him. Silence fell. It was Eliott who took things in hand first. "I'm sorry. For... for everything." Lucille stared into his eyes. "It wasn't your fault.” She whispered in a barely audible voice. She really thought what she was saying. Ok, she was still hurt by what he has said and did, but from what she understood, during those moments, Eliott couldn't control anything at all so how could she blame him? The most wounded, the one who had suffered the most was him, not her. "Anyway, I've been a big asshole with everyone and especially with you.” He said, his eyes filled with regrets. "It's past and now you know what you really have then... It'll get better." Silence fell again. Lucille looked down at her own hands, embarrassed not to know what to add. Eliott's words made her look up. "You know... I was maybe in strange state of minde, but... I remember everything.” Eliott's eyes were flustered and began to fill with tears. About what did he think? Did he remember the time when he had broken up with Lucille, explaining to her how exceptional was the girl he had just met? Did he remember the night he almost didn't stop when she asked? Or all other times he was selfish or aggressive? "I remember and it's fucking killing me. So... " His voice broke, he looked down. "I could understand if you didn't want to see me again."

Lucille grabbed his hands and squeezed them tightly in hers. "All is forgiven.” She whispered, smiling. Eliott removed his hands and took her in his arms, hugging her thin body against his. "Thank you.” He whispered. Forgetting people sitting on the terraces, curious onlookers and children playing around them, the two teenagers remained there, on their small wooden bench, arms in arms, for long minutes. Eliott was breathing hard, catching his breath, visibly relieved that Lucille expresses only love towards him. She closed her eyes, tasting the happiness to find, finally, the boy she was in love with back. Eliott slowly pulled away from their hug and put his hand into one of the pockets of his jeans. "I drew something ..." Feeling a slight of anxiety in Lucille's eyes, the young man hurried to clarify his words. "It's nothing at all huh. It's... Just a drawing for you, just for you.” He handed her a small white piece of paper folded in four. Lucille took it gently and unfolded it. Two little characters were drawn in black ink. "That's me.” Eliott explained, reaching out to a sad-eyed little raccoon. "And that's you.” He continued, pointing to a cat with fine, feminine features. Lucille watched for a long time the two animals entwined in black ink. Feeling her heart going up in her throat, she unhooked her eyes of the drawing and stared at Eliott. She put her hands on his neck, came close to him and put her lips against his. "I love you Eliott." He didn't answer back but deepened the kiss.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hi!! im wondering if you have any long (over 50k words) johnlock fics with no smut..? thank u !

Hi Nonny!

Ohhhh, gosh I ABSOLUTELY do! I love long emotional connection fics! I’ll stick to my K, G, and T-Rated fics since those I can guarantee has no smut, and I’ll also include M-Rated fics, so if you’re not okay with brief mentions of sex (not graphic details, just “the next morning after a love session” kind of description), then you can skip those :)

SMUT-FREE FICS OVER 50K W.

K to T-RATED

A Love with No Name Series by aceofhearts61 (G to M, 49,955 w. across 20 stories || Asexual Sherlock / Straight John, Est. Rel, Queerplatonic Relationship, Romance, Cuddling, Fluff, Platonic Romance, Domestics) – In which Asexual!Sherlock and Straight!John are platonically in love life partners.

An Experiment in Empathy Series by belovedmuerto (T, 62,397 w. across 13 stories || Empath AU || Psychic John, Psychic-by-Proxy Sherlock, Empathy, Psychic Bond, Romance / Bromance) – In which John is an empath, Sherlock is Sherlock, and an epic bromance happens. In the aftermath of The Great Game, John creates an unexpected bond between himself and Sherlock. Now they have to learn how to deal with it. John is better at this than Sherlock is.

You Have Drawn Red From My Hands by J_Baillier (T, 67,085 w., 17 Ch. || Three Garridebs, Heavy John Whump, Hurt / Comfort, Pining, Heavy Angst, Case Fic/Adventure, Slow Burn, Sick Fic, Injury, Guilt & Depression, Just Talk Already Please, Medical Realism, PTSD) –  John getting injured leads Sherlock on a path of guilt and revelations.

The Green Blade by verityburns (T, 72,929 w., 15 Ch. || Casefic, Bromance) – As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit…

Darkling, I Listen by You_Light_The_Sky (T, 73,254 w., 8 Ch. || Fairy Tale AU || Loosely Based on Beauty and the Beast, Magical Realism, Suicidal Themes, Romance, Creepiness, Adventure) – No one who enters old London ever comes out. They say that the beast devours them. When his sister disappears, John ventures into the dead zone beyond the wall, and finds a brilliant madman under a terrible curse… Part 1 of Darkling I Listen + Extras, Deleted Scenes

A Case of Identity by jkay1980 (T, 91,009 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Fake Relationship, Case Fic) – John and Sherlock have succeeded in rebuilding their friendship after Sherlock’s fake suicide, but an unusual case puts their relationship to the test. They pretend to be engaged and attend a marriage counseling workshop. Under the pretext of the case, Sherlock turns out to be a master of seduction, and John finally learns he might like Sherlock more than he thought. Slowly, John discovers that he loves Sherlock not only in a friendly, brotherly way, but both men have to fight their own demons before they can think of taking their relationship to a new level…

Definitions by siennna (T, 101,528 w., 12 of ? Ch. || Dev. Rel., Pining, Fluff and Romance, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Fluff, Cuddles) – Sherlock’s journey in defining his flat mate and stumbling through the muddled world of emotion. {{This feels complete; the chapter count is listed as ? but I feel like it is done}}

between each beat are words unsaid by darcylindbergh, hudders-and-hiddles (T, 107,998 w., 215 Ch. || Epistolary, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Angst, Happy Ending) – On their wedding night, John and Sherlock gift each other with the things they each said when the other could not hear, the things they each put down where the other could not see: a collection of writings that illustrate the way their love for one another has grown over the years. Part 1 of between each beat

THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF JOHN WATSON by skyefullofstars (T, 110,758 w., 24 Ch. || H/C, Kidnapping, Angst, Violence, Whump, Nightmares, Murder, Drug Addiction, Torture) – While Sherlock grapples with his new-found feelings for John Watson, he faces a very real threat: John’s kidnapping and shooting at the hands of James Moriarty. And the knowledge that the love of his life is being used to test an addictive drug - at the risk of John’s sanity and life. Prequel to THE BOYS OF BAKER STREET. Part 1 of THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF JOHN WATSON

The Swan Triad Series by Pennin_Ink (T, 121,660 w. across 3 works || Swan Lake AU || Magical / Fairy Tale AU, Romance, Falling in Love, Pining, Psychological Torture, Transformation) – Sherlock and John grow up spending every summer together. Their mothers’ attempts to play matchmaker only fuel their mutual resentment and scorn. But then, one summer.

The Horse and his Doctor by khorazir (T, 129,003 w., 13 Ch. || Horse / Vet AU || Magical Realism, Horses, Vet John, Horse Sherlock, Implied Alcoholism) – Invalided after a run in with a poacher in Siberia, veterinary surgeon John Watson finds it difficult to acclimatise to the mundanity of London life. Things change when a friend invites him along to a local animal shelter and he meets their latest acquisition, a trouble-making Frisian with the strangest eyes and even stranger quirks John has ever encountered in a horse.

Mise en Place by azriona (M, 161,004 w., 28 Ch. || Restaurant (Kitchen Nightmares) AU || Sherlock is Gordon Ramsay / Celebrity Sherlock, Restauranteur John, Harry Plays Prominent Role, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, Cranky Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Slow Burn) – John Watson had no intentions of taking over the family business, but when he returns from Afghanistan, battered and bruised, and discovers that his sister Harry has run their restaurant into the ground, he doesn’t have much choice. There’s only one thing that can save the Empire from closing for good – the celebrity star of the BBC series Restaurant Reconstructed, Chef Sherlock Holmes. Part 1 of Mise en Place

Fallen Series by Belladonna_Q, mamishka (T, 222,094 w. across 3 works || Winglock || Angel!John, Angels & Demons, Faes, Christianity, Changelings) – In a world where myth, mystery, and the supernatural flourish beneath the veneer of modern civilization, Sherlock is a master of magic as well as science and deduction. But there are some things that he cannot see, riddles he cannot unravel, even when they walk right beside him in the form of one John Watson…

M-RATED

The Homecoming Series by sussexbound (M, 51,744 w. across 12 stories, WIP || Domestics, PTSD, Love Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling, Jealousy, Family Issues) – Sometimes home is all you need. After three years of horror, betrayals, and crushing loss, John and Sherlock find their way back home to one another, and together find new footing in a world that has changed forever.

John Watson’s Twelve Days of Christmas by earlgreytea68 (M, 53,464 w., 14 Ch. || Christmas, Holmes Family, Fake Relationship, Alternate First Meeting, Falling in Love, Fluff and Angst, Hardcore Pining) – It’s the holiday season. John Watson needs money. Sherlock Holmes needs something else.

Wars We Fought, Things We’re Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3 / Post TAB, Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST/URT, 3G, Mild Peril, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case, Protective Mycroft, Infant Death Pre-Story, Friends to Lovers) –  Five months after John’s world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w., 15 Ch. || Notting Hill AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant – but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn’t have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

Bedtime Universe by Liketheriver (M, 65,173 w. across 2 stories || Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Angst, Humour, Case Fic) – John’s POV during Season 2 and beyond when Sherlock takes up semi-permanent residence in his bed. A collection of codas and missing scenes wrapped up into one long fic and topped with a bow that takes the story beyond Reichenbach and into happy territory once more.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he’s a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover’s trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world’s highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

[palemoonpersephone]

60 Question Tag Challenge

So I’ve been tagged by @kaffeinic to answer these questions. Here we go!

1: Selfie.

Gonna have to decline this one as I’m very shy but I’ll describe myself a little to make up for it - very long dark reddish-brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, fun size.

2: What would you name your future kids?

Can’t say for certain, I feel it would depend on what name felt right for that baby but I like many Italian and Celtic names.

3: Do you miss anyone? 

Yes, definitely. Old friends, old pen-pals/online friends who just seemed to disappear. And I miss my partner and my friends when we’re apart.

4: What are you looking forward to?

the weekend Seeing my partner again, working on my writing projects, starting third year of uni, and unashamedly the new Witcher series on Netflix!

5: Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

The lovely @kaffeinic for a start! My best friend, my partner, my doggy 🐕

6: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

All depends on the context. I’ve had crushes in the past that have been relatively easy to get over but then I’ve lost a couple of close friends and that had a pretty traumatic affect on me. Other times it’s been very easy because it’s been the right thing to do because the person I cut off was very toxic/bad for me.

7: What was your life like last year?

In some aspects very similar, my interests are all pretty much the same, my mental health was still difficult to manage and I was looking forward to my upcoming year of uni. But this time last year I wasn’t in a relationship and hadn’t began a really amazing journey of self-discovery.

8: Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

feel so attacked rn yes, I very much have. Crying tends to be my natural response to most high-running emotions.

9: Who did you last see in person? 

Within my household, my mum as I’m currently home for the summer. Outside of that, my partner when he last came down to visit

10: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I can be. I’ve found it depends on how well other people can see. Over the years I’ve had to hide all sorts of things, especially from my family. For years they didn’t know I was severely ill with anxiety and depression but that might be testament to poor observation and parenting skills, or maybe I just became that good and hiding things. I’m striving now to be more open about how I feel rather than bottling things up because it’s like drinking poison. 

11: Are you listening to music right now?

Not at this minute.

12: What is something you want right now?

a hug a life without crippling mental illness  probably inspiration to work on my novel

13: How do you feel right now?

Quite tired, a bit lonely. Really craving some energy and pizzazz

14: When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

Probably the Monday before last at 4-ish in the morning when my partner had to leave for work.

15: Personality description?

Shy, careful, introverted, open, understanding, affectionate, creative

16: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Pretty much the story of my life. For the last 10-12 years I’ve had to keep so many things to myself, especially regarding my family. I could never say what I thought/believed because it would all spiral into a catastrophe, wasn’t a very safe environment emotionally-speaking. There have been so, so many things I’ve wanted to say but haven’t for the risk of rocking the boat.

17:  Opinion on insecurities?

Most people I know have them, including myself but I think people can be misled to think that others don’t have them because of the outward images they display. And from my experience they’re usually there for all the wrong reasons (if there’s such a thing as a right reason to have an insecurity)

18: Do you miss how things were a year ago?

No, I’ve only gained things since then.

19: Have you ever been to New York?

Not so far but I can’t say I have any desire to

20: What is your favourite song at the moment? 

Perhaps Ring of Fire by In This Moment

21: Age and birthday?

21, born 18/09/97

22: Description of crush?

(also my partner) 6″1, dark/black hair, brown eyes, built like a brick shit-house, tan skin. He’s intelligent, considerate, honourable, principled, fierce, indomitable, funny, supportive and respectful. 

23: Fear(s)?

I’m just gonna say most things

24: Height?

5″3

25: Role model?

Not sure I have one. I aspire more to qualities like goodness, kindness and innocence

26: Idol(s)?

see above

27: Things I hate:

Small mindedness, cruel/selfish/narcissistic people, exclusion, organised religion (as more of an abstract concept), people not getting what they deserve, when people aren’t willing to listen and learn, having plans ruined, seeing people upset, people who don’t put in effort/only take and never give back

28: “I’ll love you if...”

Lots of possible answers as there lots of sorts of love. In short, if you give back. But then love shouldn’t be conditional, so I guess I should say I couldn’t love someone (in any way) who never gives back. 

29: Favourite film(s)?

Beauty and the Beast, Peter Pan, The Lion King, The Other Boleyn Girl, most Marvel movies

30: Favourite tv show(s)? 

Call the Midwife, Brooklyn 99, QI, The Last Kingdom, Doctor Who

31: 3 random facts.

I’ve been writing for almost 12 years now. I sleep with cuddly toys and make bed forts. I use fantasy to cope with reality.

32: Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Right now, girls but when I was in secondary school most of my friends were boys.

33: Something you want to learn. 

In a physical/skills sense I’d like to learn how to dance. In an emotional/mental sense I want to learn how to unburden by troubles and let go of things holding me down.

34: Most embarrassing moment?

With an anxiety disorder many, many things feel hideously embarrassing. Don’t think I could pick out one exact moment.

35: Favourite subject? 

History

36: 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Becoming a successful author. Make lots of money so I can give it to charities. Overcome/beat my mental illnesses. 

37: Favourite actor/actress? 

Probably Tom Hiddleston

38: Favourite comedian(s)? 

Stephen Fry, Dara O’Brian, Sandi Toskvig, Aisling Bea

39: Favourite sport(s)? 

Riding, archery, yoga (still physical activity so I guess it counts), swimming, running

40: Favourite memory?

Right now I think it’s when my partner told me he loved me for the first time

41: Relationship status?

If you haven’t guessed by now I’m concerned 😋

42: Favourite books?

Too many to choose from.

43: Favourite song ever? 

Probably Lithium by Evanescence

44: Age you get mistaken for?

Always younger than I am. I really haven’t changed much since I was about 16. Still get ID’d almost everywhere because I look younger than 18 apparently

45: How you found out about your idol.

Not really applicable.

46: What my last text message says.

That’s no one’s business.

47: Turn-ons?

Maturity, experience, intelligence, someone who knows themselves and is in control, someone who can give care and guidance, someone who can bring my out of my shell.

48: Turn-offs?

Idiocy, lack of self-care/hygiene, someone who isn’t willing to listen, entitlement, intolerance, confidence when it hasn’t been earned. 

49: Where I want to be right now.

The New Forest

50: Favourite picture of your idol?

Kinda need an idol first...

51: Star sign?

Virgo

52: Something I’m talented at.

anxiety? I’m quite good at riding and hopefully my writing isn’t too shabby

53: 5 things that make me happy.

Animals, people I love, random acts of kindness, smells that awaken nice memories, creative passion 

54: Something that’s worrying me at the moment.

Guess at random and you’ll probably be correct.

55: Tumblr friends?

@kaffeinic I feel we clicked really really fast and they are possibly the bravest person I’ve ever met and I hope we stay friends.

@alittleandherdaddysworld they’ve been really kind to me and we seem to have some things in common, I hope we get to know each other better!

@xxdaddyslitttleprincessxx they’ve also been really kind to me when I needed someone to turn to and I hope that we too can turn our acquaintance into a friendship!

@thorkingofasgard I think we’ve known one another for just over a year and have had many lovely talks over that time, they’re always a friend I can turn to.

@mblargh-its-me-loki a friend who I sometimes don’t hear from for long periods at a time and I often miss them and hope they’re doing okay

@c0ffeebee their artwork and dedication is second to none and I like to think we got on well when I commissioned them for some art

56: Favourite food(s)?

Love curries and stir-fry, anything involving noodles, Italian cuisine and I’ll never say no to cake

57: Favourite animal(s)?

Dogs, horses, deer, bunnies, foxes, otters, dolphins, mice (I really could go on so I’ll stop myself)

58: Description of my best friend.

5″5, dark blonde hair, brown eyes, tan skin. She’s lovely, intelligent, determined, hilarious, gorgeous and we know each other back to front

59: Why I joined tumblr?

At first it was to connect with more people and spread my fanfiction work but over time it’s become more about just sharing and interacting with what I like and trying to make more and more lovely friends

60: Ask me anything you want.

Hold nothing back

I’m going to tag my listed tumblr friends so that’s @alittleandherdaddysworld @xxdaddyslitttleprincessxx @thorkingofasgard @mblargh-its-me-loki @c0ffeebee and any of my followers are welcome to take part

[officialinuyasha]

Official Art is free use as long as it is not used for monetary gain, and I will never ask anyone for money for my pictures, and I was told I am the only person that actually credits the official animators and artists. Each image of the anime is directly ripped RAW Japanese versions, that are ages old by the way. There are probably better ones out there now. Because had these when the English dub hadn’t came out on my Windows XP. About that, they should be in 1080, but since they were used into WMM I had to recolor all of them and increase their quality myself. I don’t like taking screenshots from YouTube like most people do. Not only do I increase the quality but there are assets I enjoy changing them from the anime. Most people can’t even tell it’s changed because it’s “that good” they say. The only thing I ask if you are sharing my edits, just credit me for taking to time to increasing the resolution, ripping, and alters. I do a lot of screen-stitching also. There’s a lot of them and some I haven’t even posted. But here are some of my favorites -

Besides that, I also like posting basic screen caps with my watermark on it. Because I did it. I don’t have to explain myself on that. Because it originated from my RAW rips, I have every right to credit the official animators and myself for doing the work. I see a lot of people post their watermarks on official images, even when it comes to illegal manga scan sites. I don’t see anyone complaining about that.

If you see my watermark on it, like Max’s it’s because I have his permission to slightly alter it as a Profile Picture! - and I usually have their credit or their watermark on it also whether in the image or in the description! Since Max intentionally made art for me also, it’s kinda a given.

I always see @redrobelover talk about bullying and certain fandoms. I can tell you what I see.

Here is what I see most of -

People “bully” others if someone is asking where a certain fan art came from - With absolutely no intent to steal it. They know they didn’t make the art.

But as soon as someone constantly credits each individual animator, they don’t care and the official animators are swept under the rug. These people are paid, just like fan artists. But they are way less known. I hardly ever see anyone talking about the animators of InuYasha. When they do, it makes me very happy and excited.

They also think it’s okay for someone to share Fan Art from a person that intentionally left because of drama like this. Basically, “this person left, probably because their art was being stolen and sold on Chinese merchandise. But I’m going to share it anyway.” And to them, that’s completely fine.

Can you see where all this hypocrisy is?

-

I’ll tell you all a story. Our friend was from Tumblr since 2009. I won’t give out her identity, but a lot of these people know. And she recognizes a lot of this toxicity and drama. She used to write a lot of fan-fictions and became really well-known. She was a very popular role-player.

She knows and can name people, can predict how people are -exactly- on here.

Well she actually left because people wouldn’t stop fighting, making fake accounts to go and attack everyone. This stuff is stupid. I just don’t get what’s so fun in that.

-

A story about me.

I had a friend on here I knew for years. She used to take a lot of my edits and I wouldn’t say anything because she was my friend. Even if it bugged me, I felt like she wasn’t doing any harm in that. All I asked of her was to at least tell me or credit me. Which I don’t think she ever did. It was always odd to find out from another person that she was doing this, or stumbling upon it myself.

The sad part was, I saw her as a really close friend of mine. And when my life began ta change dramatically I went and told her everything. I wrote a whole novel for her. In hopes that she was going to be supportive of my life changes and choices I was making during my transition and the person I am meant ta be with. Like most of my friend are supportive of it and asked me a whole buncha questions about it. They were happy.

Unfortunately I never got the ecstatic answer from her. Instead she ghosted on me and I think blocked me. I never understood why. But I was told it was probably because we have the same mind set in a lot of things. So I will never hate on her ever. I don’t have a reason to. I just wished things like that was better.

-

We are all a family. We all like InuYasha. InuYasha is supposta be a safe space.

-

Something I wrote in August 20th, 2018

My name is InuYasha, yes legally. Yes I'm the only person on record with that name in the US atleast. I am a transman. I've been on hormones for two years now! 💪💉 Damn those "emojis" look hella weird... August 2016 was when I started my hormones. Anyway. I'm in a relationship with @officialkagome , her name is Kagome she's a transwoman! I really came around on YouTube 2007 as TheHanyouInuYasha, now displayed as "OfficialInuYasha". I also run the FaceBook group "Official InuYasha Group" which is increasingly popular and extremely active with almost 5,000 members now! My sister really helped push me to go for the doctor's appointment for my transgender diagnosis in order for me to start my hormones. The series InuYasha really helped me get in touch with my true self, as InuYasha I see myself as one with. Being an outcast and having to make my own world was very, very difficult. I went through a lot of depression and anger during certain times and was told I could not be "InuYasha" because they told me I was a "girl". Just like in the series how the ignorant people also pestered InuYasha being half demon, that it was "unnatural" to them. I continued on, struggling as InuYasha. I started cosplaying InuYasha around 2005. I remember going to my neighbors house to watch it pre-recorded in Japanese dub! I was only about 10 years old. My grandma helped me make my first outfit. We made the top from a Wizard robe and Dancer pants patterns. I have gone through four different outfits, now 7 wigs, and 6 different Tetsusaigas. My current wig was made by Alichii from deviantART since 2004 based on Katie Bairs method, made from 3 different wigs. A historical wig. My current outfit is the Officially licensed VIZ Media outfit! It's my treasure. Kagome in the series really helped me alot to learn and to love. I have had many issues with haters, stalkers and copycats. Keh! But that won't stop me!

- The response @officialkagome wrote after me -

My name is Kagome, yes; it really is. InuYasha inspired me to share my own story. I am a transwoman, and have known I was a female my entire conscious life. I was told I couldn't be Kagome because I wasn't a girl. I was punished a great deal and abused for being trans. I was told I was wrong, and sick for 'thinking' I was a girl, I was invisible to everyone around me. I grew into an aloof teenager that thought I knew the evils of the world, until when 14 years old; I was sexually assaulted by three men while at a house party without my parents knowledge. My world fell to pieces, and who I was died. I spiralled, I lost all respect for myself. I never was dated, I gave myself to bad guys. I made horrible choices and I still carry the shame of what those men turned me into.  I watched InuYasha a lot then, and I found similarity in myself and Kagome. She was everything I always dreamed of being. Kind, brave, beautiful and pure. My first Impression of InuYasha was that he was a jerk; but I got to learn more about how he felt different in his world, and didn't belong. Before I knew it, I fell deeply in love with him. He saved my life and made me feel like that strong woman I knew I was. I spent the next 13+ years submitting to the fact that I would never really be able to see InuYasha, I begged for dreams, If I could only see him.. Meanwhile, InuYasha was going through the same exact thing. We crossed paths on so many occasions, even unknowingly, we grew up in the same cities, our whole lives lead up to us finding one another and life blessed me, and brought InuYasha to me in the most ironically fated way. We are BOTH trans! He gets me, And he waited for me just as long as I waited for him. There is so much coincidence in our meeting. It's haunting. He looks at me, a pile of my trauma; and he loves my broken pieces back together. InuYasha has ALWAYS come for me, and I may have lost faith; but I am glad I didn't. InuYasha found me in the darkness; and now together we move towards tomorrow. We have always been the same since the very beginning. We ARE InuKag~

-

Thank you for all the asks.

I will respond to each one. All will be animated, which I know they are piled up.

So send all Asks. Let’s see how fun we can make this -

-

- Inu-Yasha -

[iwantasecretgarden]

Dear Misty,

@mercedeslackeyblog​ - please print this for her in the hospital! I want her to know we all love her and are rooting for her.

You have been one of the icons in my life for as long as I’ve been reading. Seriously. I picked up “Arrows of the Queen” when I was twelve and fell dizzyingly in love. So in love, in fact, that my father bought me the set of them leatherbound. It was one of the last things he ever bought me. They sit on my shelf with me wherever I move to (and I have moved a lot). They are the epitome of my childhood.

How do I even begin to explain what you have meant to me? I wrote you a fan letter in my teens, but I don’t think it ever reached you. Websites were less...polished then. I tried to find a copy to see what I had said, but I don’t have it anymore, so I’ll write this from scratch.

First off, for someone growing up in the 90s, sexuality was a difficult topic. My father was Catholic about it. My mother was liberal about acceptance, but not very liberal about giving us the tools to recognize it. I didn’t really accept the fact I was bi until I was 26 (last year). It was an embarrassing realization, because I had always been conditioned to already think women were interesting and cool and beautiful. But I honestly and truly believe one of the reasons I grew up being so tolerant of sexuality wasn’t my mother’s liberal attitude, but because of the fantasy I read, which didn’t use sexuality as a dramatic plot device. Your books, especially, in depicting queer relationships, poly relationships, and interracial relationships in such an ordinary light, in such a non-complaining, non special, non interesting way (as it should be!) that to me it became ordinary. I didn’t understand the big fuss when people started coming out in eighth and ninth grade. Well of course Brett could like boys. Silverfox did, and he’s one of my favorite characters, a fictional hero who I use to help combat my own anxiety and work through impossible situations. I didn’t understand why liking girls was so shocking. Keren was the impossibly cooler most perfect big sister/coach figure. I was into horse back riding until 16 (when, unfortunately, my horse died). Keren has a lot of the surly riding instructor in her, and it was a far more interesting aspect of her personality than her relationship with Sheri. Keren had even assured Sheri she would have been welcome as their third. As a kid, it hadn’t even occurred to me to make an argument against it. I - Talia’s age - agreed with her. When life gives you child brides and weird cult compounds, it’s better to find love where you can. Genuine love. Regardless of anything else.

Secondly, it was a book I needed when I didn’t know I would need it. A lot of fiction - especially geared at children - skates lightly over topics of depression, anxiety, and loss. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry Potter with my soul. But even at the age I read it I felt the shallowness of their reactions when Sirius died. I felt my own reaction even crying while reading the book to be stronger. It would infuriate me that the next book they sort of conveniently forgot it had only been a few weeks/months. That Harry was “sad but manageable.” For context, my dad contracted Lou Gehrig’s disease at 44. They told him he had likely already had the disease 10 years. He lost everything; his temper, his dignity, bits of his mind at a time. Any filter between his brain and his mouth. His fine motor control, like holding a spoon. His major motor control, like being able to stand up. He was in a powerchair within the year. As the oldest daughter, it was expected that I would help turn him, change his catheter, and answer his shrill screams in the night. I was fourteen years old. 

Dad and I were inseparable. Father-daughter relationship compounded by the fact he had, in essence with a flexible work schedule, been a stay at home dad. He had been my primary caregiver, my confidante, my chef, my advisor, my everything. And now I was his punching bag as he lost a bit of himself at a time. “My friend, who’s a psychiatrist,” Mom always said it this way, to make sure we knew she wasn’t so weak as to need therapy. A challenge to dare us to say we did. “He says that he’s hardest on you, because he’s most assured of your love. That he can abuse you and scream at you and curse at you because he knows you’ll go back the next day. A moth to a flame.” And me staring blankly at her: “Of course I will.” Because even if it was my worst fear - it was, always had been - even if it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined - his death would have broken me, but only in half. His suffering crushed the pieces of me into dust and left me a gaping black thing sucking in the world - “I love him too much to miss a moment of this.” Even if every minute - every possible second - was me reminding myself I had to breathe and feeling my lungs on fire, my head was on the edge of a migraine, it was impossible to interact, but I had to. I had to smile. To go to high school. To turn in assignments on time regardless of the cost between going to bed at 2 and hearing him scream at 3. 

Your books, though, weren’t fake. I held onto them with the assurance of that one quote: life is the scream into the void; art is the answer you are not alone. I held onto the depression and grief and trauma of your characters and felt sane. If I hadn’t, I might have thought I was losing my mind. I was, of course. And I had been conditioned Catholically to think of mental health as a weakness, a secret shame. I had been told by my mother psychologists and medication were wonderful advancements for those people; sick people. Sick in their mind, she would say smugly. Her adamant assurance was: “We have to go on like usual. We can’t let people know we’re struggling.” And so we did. Social events. Big smiles. Sleepovers (somewhere else, my friends explained, your dad bums us out). People didn’t find out he was dying until prom of my senior year. I was on the receiving end of a lot of horror from teachers (why didn’t you tell us? Ask for an extension?) I had to be normal I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t even know how to begin to explain.

Once a pediatrician told my mom I was deeply angry and tired; I was losing my father. I was fifteen. I needed to see a counselor. My mom went ballistic in a public waiting room. She aggressively turned to me and asked if this was true? There was no chance, of course, for me to disagree. I didn’t even want to. My loyalty to my family was (is) so strong that seeing anyone upset her so badly had put my back against the wall and made me bare my teeth. I reflect a lot on it now; how poorly that doctor handled it, the way she would have bungled it much worse if it had been physical abuse. You never confront the person in front of the child. Never don’t have a safety plan in place. 

“She said you were so young,” my mother snarled on the way home. “When we both know you haven’t been young in years. I watched you. Watched you go from fifteen to twenty in months instead of years. Don’t you think?”

I could only nod, and when I covered my mouth, fingertips touched wet skin. I hadn’t been young in years. 

Darkwind was someone I identified heavily with. Someone who changed his name, cut his hair, let his grief consume him. Someone who shied away from Silverfox’s help. Someone who was glad when his father still got some. The day of my dad’s funeral, I cut off my hair. I was 19. The nightmare had lasted five years. I had stayed home to go to a local college so I could keep living at home, keep shielding my younger sisters, keep driving them to school and viola practice and karate. I had to give up my extracurriculars early on (and lie, of course, on my applications). It was actually a disaster at the hair cutting place (not important, but the lady called the police thinking I had stolen her cell phone which had fallen behind some tools). I went home. My mother took one look at my hair and told me it made my face look fat. “It’s for Dad,” I said steadily. In my mind, I was howling like Darkwind. I wondered if I could break my name into grief and sorrow, but it was too hard to think of the name I might have been, since the person I had been was as dead as dad was. 

On days where my two younger sisters were scared and confused (the youngest was 13 when he died), I read them The Fairy Godmother and One Good Knight. They liked that one especially well. I went on to absorb almost all of your works (I think it’s impossible though, to be honest. There are just so many that either you’re a witch or I keep reading the same ones again and thinking I’ve never read them. For instance, I have a Bard Song on my nightstand right now from a bargain bin. Never read it before. Recently read Four and Twenty Blackbirds). Of course, my favorite series was Valdemar. I know all those characters the best, having reread most of them over again several times. I liked Elemental Masters, 700 Kingdoms (some). I was sad that the Beauty & the Beast stories in both weren’t my favorites (The Fire Rose, Beauty and the Werewolf, since it’s my favorite Disney film (but as your stories follow the traditional fairytale a little closer, and that tale is a bit gross, I understand). I think my favorites were The Firebird, Phoenix and Ashes, Reserved from the Cat, The Wizard of London).

Honestly, I may be a tiny minority, but I ADORE Joust. I was sad there weren’t more of them. I spent much of the time I read them inventing my own dragon egg, my own falling through time and space. My own female girl rider takes on the Team without being just a sidekick who talked to animals. It is hard to recommend or talk about it without people laughing, and I appreciate it IS an incredibly hard-core nerd fantasy genre (ancient Egypt, jousting, dragons). It feels a lot like Anne McCaffery crossed with a Naomi Novik story (since Temeraire and Napoleonic Wars are equally hard-core nerd stories. I was lucky to stumble on that line recently - I feel like there’s not enough of the true blue 80s/90s fantasy voice anymore. Sometimes it feels all too dark and plot driven, lacking the characters and slice of life that your works have nestled in my heart, places like the Palace Compound that I know as well as I knew my middle and high schools. A place as real to me as they are, including my own room. My own Companion. My own Heraldic Whites when I turned 18 and took the leatherbound books from my father in an eyestinging rush of love. 

Even now when I was looking up a list of your work, I’m amazed and appalled to see I haven’t caught any of your works since 2009 or so. HOW MANY ARE THERE 100? 200? I thought there were 70 something, but no, you’ve far outstripped yourself. I usually pick up the books in secondhand shops. I’ll go straight for “L” and then just tip all of them into my arms if I haven’t read them. It’s one of my favorite rainyday activities. I noticed you even have a book out this year! CRAP! It should not be POSSIBLE you can write faster than I can read! I’m 27 and I still read a lot of the books that came out when I was born or in diapers. Sometimes I wonder which books you’ve written are your favorites. If there are books you’ve written you skim through like “hmmm I don’t even remember this” and read it with the same laughing intensity as the rest of us, resting your thumb on “oh yes, this was when I was...”

Anyway. I know this letter is long. You’ve been a saint for even getting this far. So let me say this. When I think of the BEST writers of fantasy in the 20th and 21st centuries, your name is among the greats. I’ll say something like: Anne McCaffery’s Dragonriders of Pern; Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game; Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time; Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar...and EVERYTHING ELSE. A lot more people know the names of George R.R. Martin, of J.K. Rowling, of Neil Gaiman. But none of them have put out the solid, unending stream of work that literally POPULATES what most people consider “fantasy.” Your ideas, your work, your world-building influence television, influence Dungeons & Dragons, other works. You are a Giant in your field, and even if you don’t feel it, you have laid the groundwork for an entire generation to lay themselves reverently on the altar of your sacrifice, your reflection of relationships, and taught young girls like me what it was to embrace themselves, in all shapes - black tar and bi pride. 

I know you probably tire of hearing this, but I want to be an author. And I’m a good writer. I don’t say it boastfully. I say it as something I’ve always heard, from teachers and friends and magazines. But mom said being an author was like being an actor - a pipe dream, a thing to do “on the side” and “as a hobby.” And it is a hobby of mine, for now. I did the Responsible Thing and became a lawyer. It was quite horrible. But I did it. For Dad, you know. Legacy and all that. 

But don’t you DARE die before I’m published. I’m not talking about the hospital right now. I’m talking about choking on a banana; slipping on the sidewalk; getting mobbed by adoring fans. It is literally my bucketlist to publish a book, to meet you, to dedicate the book to a woman who I’ve never met, who I’ve never known, but who had influenced and impacted my life SO profoundly I consider her characters as pieces of myself. Her worlds as places of safety when I’m sad. The helping hand she held out to a twelve year old girl, and fifteen years later the one I’m still gripping tightly. 

YOU are one of the best women in my life, and one of the best role models I’ve ever known. Even if we’ve never met, knowing that you could be a deeply nerdy human who loves horses and magic and reading every day and still be “successful” when the world outside told me I dressed wrong and looked wrong and felt wrong. That I needed to pick up a magazine, or watch sitcoms, or generally stop making them feel pitying and uncomfortable because of the things I liked. You made me proud to be a feminist, an ally, a writer, a dreamer, a reader, and maybe only lately of my sexuality, but still growing and going forward. 

So, here’s lots of love and adoration and gratitude flooding your way from:

One herald (whose companion was someone she knew in real life reincarnated too early, obviously grove born, with mindspeech, with magic, of course and lifebonded with a Kestra'chern. Predictably, I fought the lifebonding every step of the way, and consider him a great nuisance).

One dragon rider in the jousting wars (with a dragon named Altaira (high flying) who is such a deep dark color she seems black but ripples cobalt and violet).

One grateful apprentice to the Fairy Godmother, who herself was saved from one of a great many plots by the impetus of her father’s illness/death.

And of course, from one persnickety lawyer in DC, drowning in student loan debt and of course too many books, one cat too pretty to be a boy named Gandalf, and his Greyhounds (yes, two, who are very lowkey and I think you would like. They’re like large sleeping cats more than dogs, but very friendly with horses). Of course I named the cat Gandalf simply for the introduction of “Gandalf, the Greyhounds.” Originally I wanted to name a dog “Gandalf...the Greyhound” but because of who I am I went to the shelter and asked for the dog least likely to get adopted and sort of came out with a bonded pair and then it seemed they needed twin names so they’re named Fred & George after Harry Potter. 

But rambling aside, I adore you. I adore your books. I adore the world you’ve given freely for us to play in. Get well soon, and lots, lots, and lots of love. I’ll be playing in my worlds today especially a lot, thinking of you.

All the best,

Kaylee

[michaela-renee-blog]

Skin Blemishes: At the Core

My journey with Products, Diet, Hormones, and Learning to Accept Myself. 

Hello beautiful souls,

Time is slipping by faster than I expected as I’m preparing for my move across the country. It feels a little surreal to be honest. In the midst of finishing up my classes and trying to get my ducks in a row for the move, I’ve also been working really hard to get my health on track… and I’m sure you all can attest to that being way easier said than done!

In all honesty — I am stressed as all get out and really trying to get that under control. When I thought about how I wanted to structure this post, my initial thought was to make it seem like things were fine and just give an update with some advice for those who can resonate with my present journey… but then I realized I’d be leaving out some crucial truths. Things aren’t always peachy, and pretending as if they are hurts no one other than ourselves because living that façade suppresses our true emotions. And Lord knows what gets suppressed will always find a way to surface eventually. So, as said by Gabrielle Bernstein, your wounds are your wisdom. Your wounds have transcended you above that low place; sharing your story is your life credibility and will be what moves others.

So here I am, sharing my truths in

hopes that my light might shine bright

enough to show you yours as well.

My Wound: Adult Acne

It might sound silly but one of my biggest wounds is my adult acne — I’m 20 years old and have had it on and off since age 13. Most of my health reforms and lifestyle changes have actually come from trying to combat it. Of course I spent the first few years trying every acne scrub, cleanser, topical and prescription but they all left me feeling hopeless. My spiritual journey has skyrocketed within the past year and I quickly realized we are what we eat. So I stopped consuming alcohol, dairy, refined carbs and sugar, grains, and most meats. I’d say my diet is mainly paleo but almost vegan. The key to a paleo diet is consuming whole foods- fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, healthy oils, and lean protein. I haven’t eaten red meat since last year but I sometimes use egg whites in my recipes and have the occasional can of tuna or piece of chicken — no one is perfect but if I do eat an animal product I make sure it’s hormone free.

Some of you might think that sounds miserable but honestly it doesn’t feel like a restricting diet anymore because my body has actually begun to crave these healthy foods. My biggest weakness was chocolate and lucky for me cacao is actually a pretty healthy food as well — in moderation of course! I also traded my daily coffee for spearmint tea (which is good for decreasing androgen levels); this transition is still a little challenging because I LOVE coffee but it’s known to cause lots of inflammation so I gave it up. I also threw out all of my toxic cleansers, makeups, and hair products and have started replacing everything with essential oils and products that are made from plants instead. I stopped taking my acne prescription, Spironolactone (because after 4 months I saw no difference despite it supposedly being the miracle drug for hormonal acne) and replaced it with a vitamin called Saw Palmetto.

You might have noticed my concern with the hormonal aspect of acne. I hypothesize that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but I haven’t been tested yet because for one, who has the time right now (not this girl) and two, having government provided health insurance doesn’t give me the best medical care options (I’m still grateful to have at least that though). PCOS causes women to have higher androgen levels which produces more sebum and therefore acne; it also causes problems with hair growth, weight loss, menstruation and even fertility. Which concerns me because I currently have the Mirena IUD, which could also be triggering acne and potentially making the PCOS worse — there are just so many factors to control for! I also take an array of vitamins for that, but I won’t bore you with listing them unless you ask me.

Spiritual Cause of Acne

As you can see, this is causing me lots of distress because I’m trying so hard but still with no prevail. Appearance isn’t everything but what gets displayed on our skin is an obvious indication of what’s going on beneath it. So after all this time, I finally looked up the spiritual cause of acne this past weekend. When I tell you what I found you’re probably going to think, “Duh, Michaela I could have told you that” but it was a significant confirmation for me. I found that strong emotions such as worry and stress might be the culprit because they cultivate a spirit of fear. I mean obviously I’m stressed — I set the bar way too high for myself in almost all aspects of my life and am extremely hard on myself whenever I can’t meet those expectations.

I mentally exert myself and work way too hard every day for a degree I don’t even want. As I said in a previous blog, I chose to study psychology my sophomore year and got my very first 4.0 during the first semester. I became addicted to that little number and have pushed myself so hard to meet that expectation again this semester — and currently I’ve succeeded — but at what cost? My mental balance, my skin and my health. That GPA was important for quite some time because I thought I’d be going on to get my doctorate, but I now know that what I want to do doesn’t even require a doctorate. However, I still wanted to get one. For one, because I knew I could and for two, the satisfaction of my fear-based human ego.

I want to be a spiritual leader and help people break away from the chains of instilled fear, encouraged ignorance and their own personal bondage. With this passion, I am often times telling people very uncomfortable, suppressed truths that they might not be ready to hear. This leads to a lot of public rejection which naturally depresses the spirit. This is why I felt it necessary to attain my doctorate and prove to others that I know what I’m talking about. The sad part is, the wisdom I discover can’t be cited from any book or increased with any institutionalized education because it comes to me divinely — when my human thoughts are quieted and my third eye is open.

The third eye can only be open when you have healed your wounds, transcended above your human concerns, and are at a peaceful state of existence because you know that God’s plan is far greater than your own. Participating in any fear based thoughts distances you from this divine reality and for me, rejection is my biggest fear based thought. I’ve been publicly rejected for nearly my entire life — when I was the baby no one wanted, the “poor kid” that didn’t quite know how to fit in with the ��normal kids,” the teenager with “daddy and mommy problems,” and finally the college freshman with a drinking problem (not that that’s abnormal at IU though). All of these instances also lead to me disliking and rejecting myself as well. With the skin being the largest filter organ of the body, these negative thoughts and suppressed emotions actually manifested into physical clogs on my face.

Before this weekend, I couldn’t understand why I was still dealing with these clogs now that I’ve taken responsibility for my life and changed nearly every aspect of it. I now understand that deep down I am still dealing with some self-rejection. After a weekend of devastation over my skin, I started my morning by practicing some self-love yoga and when I was finished I whispered to myself, you are worthy of your purpose. I do not know where it came from but as soon as I said it tears started streaming down my face and I felt my body become lighter as my worries and rejection slipped away. I’m repeating this mantra to myself whenever I begin to doubt it because our bodies are our divinely created vessels, sent here from the cosmos to

Follow our hearts.

Live our purpose.

And do so fearlessly.

I must remember that I am worthy of becoming a spiritual leader. I am doing the right thing in following my heart to Arizona. I am wise enough to share the universal truths… and I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. The same goes for you; you ARE enough. We are in this together, as one collective unit and I hope the honesty of my story might help you remember and embrace your truths today. You’ll know you’re warm when you uncover something that brings you great discomfort because that is the place that so desperately needs your attention… and when you find that wounded place, it will be valuable to remember what Rumi said, the wound is the place where the light enters you.

Peace and blessings,

Michaela

[laurenj966]

Being pregnant during A Global Pandemic COVID-19

About me, myself & a bit of him!

Hello everyone! My name is Lauren, I am 24 years old and I am a care assistant in a care home and my partner, Craig, 23, is a mechanic. Craig and I reside in Scunthorpe. In January 2019, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which was managed by medication. I grew up in Ashby, Scunthorpe as an only child. Craig was born in Scunthorpe then brought up in Barnetby. Craig and I met on Plenty of Fish in what I think was 2017!? We was on and off for a while but then he eventually got stuck with me! (Poor lad!). We only got to see each other at weekends due to work commitments which was hard at first, but the will power made it work.

We went on our first holiday together to Amsterdam on a mini cruise, then went to Benidorm in October 2018, where I lost all dignity due to a stomach bug! (Bless Craig, his first time on a plane!) We then decided to ‘gate crash’ my parents 25th wedding anniversary in Marmaris, Turkey in July 2019, where Craig and I got engaged on July 2nd, their anniversary! When we got home the planning began! We have our date set for the 12th June 2021, a beautiful church, venue, five bridesmaids, oh and a best man! Haha! With us planning a wedding, we thought we should move out! We bought a lovely three-bedroom semi-detached house in Scunthorpe. With a lot of Saving, blood, swear and tears, we finally moved in on Friday 13th December 2019 (I know! What a day!) and now we have our home just as we’d imagined.

 The mental health

After previous employment issues, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in January 2019. I was prescribed Sertraline tablets which were my rock! I had my bad days and good days. Planning the wedding and the house move was stressful, but it kept my mind occupied. I then got another job which I love, in a different care home. I was so scared of asking the doctor for help, but it was the best things I did! I was embarrassed for a while in front of people who knew I was on medication, but with support from my family and Craig, made me more confident.  

 Finding out

It was 5am on Saturday 25th April 2020 when I woke up and something told me to do a test. I had been on the ‘pill’ for years, to help control my heavy periods, but I chose to come off the pill earlier in the year as my periods were all over the place (Craig new about this!). I took one of those cheap tests and... a line appeared then a faint line! I shouted Craig and got him to look and he could see it too! We went back to bed then went to get a better test when the shops opened that morning. We bought a digital Clearblue test which said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. We was both shocked as we had been careful, but we was both so happy! Craig said a few swear words and we both laughed and said, “oh s**t!”. I straight away went to tell mum, who did not believe me at first, but then was shocked and cried. The next person I had to tell was dad! (HELP!) Dad was more bothered about the house and the wedding, but he got over it! And I saw him smirk a little on the video call! Craig told his mum, dad, and sister, who were all over the moon. I then visited both sets of my grandparents to tell them and they were happy too!

I was due in work the following Monday and took advice from a nurse who said I was at risk been there with being early weeks due to the Coronavirus. I was then sent home by the area manager and was put on ‘Furlough’. I had my first appointment with the midwife on May 15th, unfortunately Craig was not allowed to come in with me due to the pandemic. This is when I realised that this pregnancy was going to be hard for both of us, especially Craig. I found out at the appointment that I was seven weeks pregnant, which meant the ClearBlue test was two weeks out!

1st Trimester  Week 1-12

Some of the symptoms started to show by week five! I became very bloated and my clothes were getting tight already! It was quite frightening, we were in lockdown, Craig’s garage was forced to be closed, I was ‘furloughed’ and no one was able to see each other. Not seeing mum everyday was hard. Craig did all the shopping while he was off work to protect me and the hand washing, and sanitising door handles game was very strong. As now there was not just me, I had to protect from a deadly virus, I now had my baby to protect. Craig’s garage finally reopened, and he had to go back to work. The first day was hard as I was used to him been here every day and now I had to do the shopping. As lock down was eased and we was allowed to see people again, distancing was key, I needed to protect my baby.

Nearing the 12th week and with been at home all day, I began to clear the spare bedroom, (baby’s room). I was always on the internet looking at ideas to decorate the baby’s nursery. By now we already had Moses baskets, bouncer, cot, almost everything! (I’m impatient!). I had my first scan at 12 weeks, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, because I had to do it alone as well as knowing Craig was missing out on seeing his first child in the womb. They confirmed there was only one baby in there! Phew! They said he’s looking perfect! And I got a photo to keep. It now felt real! At 18 weeks we booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull. This was when we found out the gender! The cravings were strong... crisps, fruit, and sweets, but still no sickness! Yay!

 Gender reveal!

We booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull as Craig was allowed to come into a private scan with me. Our scan was Saturday 31st July. We had arranged a gender reveal back home in the garden as the lockdown restrictions had been relaxed. The scan place was amazing, it had big screens to see the baby on, Craig could not believe it. I closed my eyes and waited for the lady to put the coloured light on. I opened my eyes and the room was... BLUE!! We was so happy I even cried! We got some brilliant scan photos of baby and we bought a confetti cannon! We got home and set the garden up. There was my parents, Craig’s parents and one set of my grandparents and we also video called my auntie and cousin. We nervously burst the cannon, and everyone was so happy for us. We then went to the Queensway for a meal.

 Mental health & pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately stopped taking my Sertraline tablets. Luckily, I had no side effects. My GP told me to stop taking them however my midwife said to take them if needed. This meant that I would need extra scans as they can have an effect on the baby and I felt this would be selfish of me, if I continued to take the tablets, so I stopped and chucked them in the bin. Some days were definitely harder than others and still are but then I realised I came off the tablets for a good reason, for my boy! Only my closest family and of course Craig have supported me through this. My manager has been brilliant, she has phoned me almost every fortnight to see how I am.

I take comments to heart, always have done, always will due to the depression. So comments such as ‘you’re getting fat” “There must be more than one in there” “Do this” “Don’t do that” and pressures of breastfeeding instead of bottle feeding, all have an impact on my mental health that some people can’t see. Also, due to spending nearly all my school life been bullied, I am more scared of my child being bullied at school and not having friends like me. I want to give my boy everything he wants and needs in life just like I was given. I do spend too much time worrying about what I need to do in the future or what might happen in the future. But what I do know is that I will do my damn best to be the best role model I can be to my boy!

2nd Trimester Week 13-28

By week 20, the nursery is almost complete! We decided to go neutral and animal themed. I love it! We are lucky that we have a lot of built in storage in that bedroom. We built the cot, the changing unit and bought a lovely gliding nursing chair in beige. It is perfect! We also have our pram! It is like pushing a bus! We went for the Venicci Prestige Edition in Shadow Denim Grey and we got the 10-piece bundle. Two days before my birthday in August, I had my 20-week scan at the hospital. I was able to take someone along to this scan with me for some unknown reason! So, I chose to take mum as Craig was working. Mum could not believe it and said it was amazing! It was quite a long scan as they checked he had everything he should! He has two arms and two legs! His brain, spine and organs are growing as they should be, and she said he looks perfect and I got another picture! At 24 weeks I had a test for Gestational Diabetes, due to having a high BMI (Everything seems to be blamed on a person’s weight!). It was the longest appointment I’d had yet, and it was awful! I was told that if I got a call within a couple of days it would mean I have Gestational Diabetes... after a week and no phone call it turns out I DON’T have it! Yay! Baby had started to get very wriggly in there during these weeks. I had been to the hospital a few times as I had not felt him move which was really scary and I got told that because he is only tiny, I won’t feel him much. However, as the weeks went on, I started feeling a pattern in his movements... (my mealtimes!) but then one day did not feel him for about 12 hours. I was so scared; I called the hospital and was sent to the maternity ward and yet again I had to do this alone. (Even though at this point of the pandemic you could meet people in a pub but was not allowed one single person to come to the hospital with you at such a scary time!!!!). After waiting anxiously and seeing the midwife looking nervous, he was absolutely fine and was just hiding! Monkey! By week 27 I have baby’s bag packed, car seat and blanket ready! Just my own bag to pack! It has gone so fast and we are so excited! The cravings have stopped, I still have not had any sickness! But my hormones and emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt like I needed the tablets, but I haven’t given in! I can do this!!

 The COVID baby shower

I had arranged a baby shower for November. I bought all the accessories I'd need to throw a baby shower for me and my boy. I had sent out invitations to close family and friends and planned what food I was going to make and what games we'd play. But then... Big bad Boris made yet another announcement, one that thousands and especially I did not want to hear... the rule of 6. Gatherings of six people maximum and he said this could be in place for the next 6 months. I gave it a few weeks and though about possibilities of having two separate parties of six, but then thought the second just would not be as good. So, I decided to cancel it. I am absolutely gutted. This pandemic really is breaking so many hearts and ruining peoples' plans.

3rd Trimester – week 29 – 32

At 29 weeks I was having a lot of stabbing pains in my lower abdomen I was sent to ward 26 and was monitored for over an hour. Baby’s heartbeat and movements were fine, then I was examined, and they said it was not labour. I also started my maternity leave at week 29.

I had a routine scan at 29 weeks and 2 days. I saw the doctor afterwards who said that baby was growing a little smaller than expected, but the midwife said he’s growing normally, and he weighs three pound. At this appointment I was also told that I had to commence Tinzaparin injections twice a day because of my varicose veins and to prevent blood clots. I was also told that there had been a prescription at the hospital for Aspirin since June! Which no one told me about! It came as a shock that I had to inject into my stomach twice a day as I am not a great fan of needles. I was sent home with sixty injections and a sharps bin. Some days are harder than others at doing the injections and they are leaving my stomach in a right mess!

The following day I had a routine appointment at the midwifes, she measured baby and said he’s fine and we listened to his heartbeat and she said that it’s perfect! I informed her about the injections, and she said I should be taking the Aspirin a long side the injections, so I had yet another trip to the hospital to get the tablets. I then requested to speak to the practice manager of my doctors surgery, to query why I haven’t been put on any form of blood thinners since going to the doctors since 2015 about my veins and being told repeatedly there’s nothing they can do (or should I now say will do!). Since being put on the injections and the tablets, I have felt fed up and I’ve been more annoyed at the fact of why was the possibility of having to be put on this medication not mentioned to me at the start of my pregnancy, it’s disgusting.

Another day, another letter through the door… I had an appointment with the Anaesthetist to talk about pain relief in labour. Disgusted and upset could not even describe how I felt after that phone call appointment. So yet again… “due to your BMI” I suggest you go straight for Epidural. No, I’d like to try without anything thankyou. I won’t lie, throughout this pregnancy, I have never felt so discriminated against by health professionals who I thought was are there to support you. But no, everything is put down to a person’s weight. If they’d bother to even, ask “why do you have a large BMI” they’d probably understand!

My midwife appointments are getting more regular now. At 32 weeks I had another appointment they said he’s measuring fine and his heartbeat is good. They are referring me to the consultant earlier than my next scan due to the severity of the bruising and pain caused by the injections.

 3rd Trimester – week 33 – 36

I got to see the consultant earlier than I should have regarding the bruising… typical! They’ve faded. So, I showed her the pictures I had taken but she wasn’t interested, just said to continue with the injections. Part of me felt selfish as they’re keeping both me and baby safe but the other part of me is finding it really hard physically and mentally. Twice a day having to count down to inject myself, suffering with the bruising and now lumps are appearing from where I’ve gone into something under the skin. But needs must n all that!!

Week 33 I had another scan, baby is now five pounds and is growing as well as expected. The lump I have sticking up on my stomach is his little bum! Every time his bum moves makes me laugh and love him even more!

At week 34 I had loads of appointments this week! I had my routine midwife appointment…. Now this was amusing! Little man decided to fight the doppler and send his heart rate up to 200!! The midwife said if it doesn’t decrease, I will have to go to the hospital to be monitored and put onto a drip. After filling in my notes she checked his heartbeat again and it had gone back to normal! What a monkey. The next day I had the health visitor visiting me, I heard they can be not very nice, but the lady appeared to be nice! I didn’t agree with some of the things she said and most of it is common sense and she gave me a little red book for baby. Last appointment of the week… I had a phone call appointment with the midwife about my birthing plan. I’m having him at Scunthorpe General (if he doesn’t pop out at home or in the middle Aldi! Haha!) I’m hoping to give birth in the birthing pool, firstly with no pain relief and if need be gas and air and then Craig is going to cut the cord. Typical me asked about self-discharge… I don’t like hospitals and I don’t want baby in that place for any longer than he needs to be especially at the minute.

By week 35, the hospital bags are fully packed! My monthly deep clean of the house has been done with thanks to mum for helping! And the Christmas tree is now up! So, now the moses baskets are in place upstairs and downstairs, baby’s bottles and everything else is organised. So now it’s just a matter of waiting!

[maladaptive-dreamer]

Here are some cool paras!

Yay para-talk!  [Little warning: English isn’t my mother tongue and I also never really trained it so whatever it will be absolutely awful and embarrassing but I hope you can deal with that!]

[Little A/N warning: TRIGGER WARNING IN SEVERAL AREAS.]

 - Self-harm

 - Sexual assault

 - Drug abuse

Asher Winter - Born as Shlomo Winter is a 22-year-old student (studies business administration) who currently lives in Vienna. He shares a flat with his boyfriend Emil and the siblings Moira and Jasille whom they keep calling Rommel (for some reason which I freekin dunno) or Vanilla (since Asher and Emil are into BDSM + Asher also enjoys pup play a lot and Jasille isn’t into kinky stuff at all). Emil isn’t his only boyfriend since the couple is polyamorous. Money is always a huge problem since none of them get help by their family’s (Asher left his family by the age of 18 without ever telling them where he went, Emil can’t stand his rich and patronizing parents, Moira doesn’t get any money either because of her huge drug problem and Jasille is able to earn money himself since he’s working on becoming a musical star and does a pretty good job with that but he rarely shares his money cause in his opinion the others have to get themselves together) and are mostly ‘not working’ themselves (Asher has some pretty bad payed jobs, Emil tries his luck as street musician and Moira can’t work since she got huge mental problems after she got raped by her very own boyfriend. This trauma also led to her drug addiction). Asher is something like the 'mother of the commune’ who tries to take care of everyone. He’s known for being a little bit weird because all of his plants and also the kitchen appliances for example got names (he has the tendency to overact if someone forgets a name) and also he’s got huge problems with concentration. The explanation for him being unable to focus for 'longer’ time spans is that he’s a maladaptive daydreamer himself. One of the reasons why he left his family was in fact that they became too concerned and he felt like he’d have to leave to 'safe’ his daydreams. He mostly doesn’t recognize that his disorder has taken over his life and is also able to use his fantasy for writing since it’s his goal to become an author (which he somehow already reached since he was able to sell two of his books already but they are pretty unknown). Other characteristics are his love for platonic body contact (he’s always cuddling with/hugging someone, running his Hand through their hair etc.), his heterochromia (his eyes are ¾ bluegrey but half of his right eye is dark brown) and his calm and somewhat 'slow’ nature (him being 'slow’ is a lil connection with the village he came from since there are many jokes about how the people from there use to be dumb + slow talking etc. which isn’t true about Asher but he never causes drama so whatever). Most people also wouldn’t see him as a Dom - just as they don’t think of Emil as a Sub. Both partners are polyamorous demisexuals and are a couple since about one year or may a few months more. Anthony Bishop - Dis boi needs therapy. Born as the oldest son of a Redneck family, Anthony is pretty conservative for an 18-year-old. Also he’s mentally ill and diagnosed with major depression, insomnia, pica-syndrome (eating non-nutritive substances such as plastic, nails, cigarettes and even dirt) and also used to experience psychotic symptoms. He’s pretty autoaggressive (mostly visible through cutting himself) and his psychotherapist also thinks that he’s got a personality disorder which combines antisocial and borderline symptoms. Anthony rarely has any interests except Gore and also got a Gore blog himself on which he uploads pictures and Videos oh him torturing and killing animals which sceletons he also collects. He’s pretty aware that he’s mentally ill and also that he may die cause of his destructive behavior but he doesn't really care and also plans on killing himself a lot even if he lately found some friends and spends lots of time with them, finally learning to socialize. It also seems like Anthony will have even more problems in the future cause of his romantic/sexual orientation. He isn’t 100% sure yet but even if he’s heterosexual he’s definitely not heteroromantic which is a huge deal since he’s homophobic himself - just like his whole family. His opinion on LGBT* changed a little after becoming friends with a gay jewish dude called Yves Honigblum and a bisexual boy named Oliver Coleman but it will still turn his word upside down when finding out that he’s romantically attracted to guys only. Janosch - Also called Kurosch sometimes was part of a whole other universe somewhere in the near/not so near future. He was a 27-31 year-old rebel who fought a dictatorship together with his 'mother’ (an ex-doctor who saved his life by the age of 12-13 years and became an outlaw after she got caught stealing medicine for the poor) and her followers. He got executed shortly before the Situation escalated and the rebels won the war. Even if he went through lots of terrible things (suffered any kind of abuse from an early age, had to work as a child-prostitute etc.) he grew up to be an energetic and lovely dude who never lost his spirit. His special talent was hacking both, machines and humans which was the main reason why he became the 'leader’ of a small group within the rebel formation. His team consisted of a female gun-fetishist. a mostly mute genius, the genius’ caretaker/a moral supporter and a bomb specialist who lost his mind after Janoschs death and got killed also after committing a few terroristic attacks against the military. Even if the rebels mostly supported a somewhat communist system Janosch himself was an anarchist who just accepted leaders for the period of striking down the dictatorship. It would have been pretty interesting to see him after the war but the revolution devours all it’s children and Janosch - even if he was a kind and loyal soul - wasn’t born to live in a good world. He was there to fight and also Change something but not to get what he deserved. [So this are three of my paras, even if one of them is dead already I thought it would be interesting to read about 100% different ones. If you want more information about them, just tell me. I love to talk about my paras and their experiences/lives/stories.]

[One last A/N: “My English will be absolutely awful” aaaand cue perfect English :) I cannot describe how thrilled receiving this submission made me!! Thank you so much for deciding to share your paras :) It’s funny, Asher is my younger brother’s name...so that was a bit weird, but that plot sounds SO INTERESTING so it was all good. Honestly, I would read the hell out of that book/watch the hell out of that movie with any of these plotlines. I hope this bolsters the courage of the rest of you - send in your paras!!]