#i was CONFIDENT for once in that class
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seeing the awakening in that list always reminds me of ap4 and how upset i was when covid hit
#we were supposed to write an essay on it based on a specific theme we chose to follow#and i chose birds and had so much ready to write abt#i was CONFIDENT for once in that class#then bc of covid she cancelled the assignment#and had us do poetry analysis#i was so upset :///#loner.txt
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"I need that old man" noooooooo you need to get to class on time
#its been a rough week and all I got on my mind is. men#WHGA RHE FUCK AYGUHHGHG#ren won't shut up#gravity falls constantly on the brain#ive been late to class everyday for the past MONTH only by 15 minutes but still aughh i need to get it together#once I'm out of school it's over for you guys you're all gonna get so much art thrown in your face#and im only getting more confident and shameless so
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A chance to make a difference <3
#Chilling Adventures of Sabrina#CAoS#Sabrina Spellman#Michelle Gomez#caos Lilith#This is actually genuinely wholesome#sometimes Lilith can be a good influence#even if accidentally#She gave Sabrina hope#Mary was scripted to be her class's faculty advisor#even if that didn't make it to screen#so I think it's cool how Lilith was very much given that role#in the sense that Sabrina would feel comfy confiding in her this much#especially after she found out she was a witch#Also tho? watching this ep earlier#Sabrina is once again saying to someone 'I know just the person who can help clear this up!'#and going to see Lilith on her own#Then in The Mandrake she's like 'You were always manipulating me to come see you!'#and like fair cop yes she was manipulating her#but Sabrina kept showing up at her door on her own steam#not Lilith's fault that her aunts constantly failed to meet her emotional and research-icle needs tbh#Yeah as usual I'm in the tags doing Lilith apologia#(yes this is a repost because the original didn't get in any tags and that made all of us sad :< )
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ik class is easier now tmmrw but i just wanna stay home and draw aini and that one rly bad
#urghhh I actually have ideas and confidence abt posting them for once#this class better go by super fast#im gonna look so jank in there UGH
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Had a good first day of the semester 😁 very happy to see friends again
#lots of ppl I know in my sound design class ^_^ we all hung out together and caught up on things once class let out#I ended up going to the wrong class this morning and woke up a lot earlier than I needed to but I’m not too mad abt that oh well#AND it was so nice out today. the walk through campus was great#idk I’m just happy I feel like I’ve improved a lot as far as productivity and negative thought loops go since last semester#so I’m going into the fall with motivation and confidence in myself. no more self loathing and wallowing in misery I got this
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Found some cute earrings while Christmas shopping, am in love with them
bonus crushed soul, courtesy of my mother;
#i am not mad that she dislikes them#not at all#but i was happy with how i looked and while criticism is good#sometimes unsolicited negative criticism isn't always wanted#i ended up taking them off bc my self confidence shattered for a bit lol#idk maybe i'm overreacting but damn feelings hurty#anyway i'm wearing them now while i'm drawing#a classmate from my japanese class said they looked sick and he's super stylish so i'm taking his word for it#the duck is once again happy with the earrings but will still not wear them around their mother#ANYWAY DO Y'ALL SEE THESE DUCKS WHAT THE HELL#THEY'RE SO CUTE WTF#vent art#<- I guess technically#doodles
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..
#not a great day#really tired and not entirely sure what to do about it this time#tho I did make an unexpectedly good grade on my earth science exam!! and I am so happy about that :)#on the flip side I turned in the weekly reflections we have to write for a different class and I can fairly confidently say it's the worst#one I've done so far :(#I'm fighting off the discouragement tooth and nail but it is a struggle tbh#think I might log out of tumblr for a bit#(actually I logged out of tumblr once already today but now I'm doing it again and posting about it first will hopefully#force me to stay faithful to my decision to stay away from this place for at least the rest of this week)#love you all. talk to you later.#pray for me please.
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Wanted to start working on projects for my part-time school this weekend but instead all I have the energy to do is lay in bed and play mario kart or lay in bed and listen to music
#i started taking meds two days ago and over those two days i've felt even more dead energy-wise than before. if that's even possible#i hope this passes sooner than later because the semester's almost over#and i want to prepare something better to pass this course with than those projects that everyone did in class#and then it will finally (or rather already. time feels fake) be summer and no more obligations of such type. for now#altough i'll admit these last few months were rather easygoing#in terms of stuff i had to do for a set deadline and such#it would have been a much harder time for me otherwise#at least i'm getting this stuff sorted at last. slowly but surely#and enjoying my time gaming and listening to 4-5 albums a day on average as of the last two days#maybe 2024 is the year when my mental health problems finally caught up with me#but then with some dedication and direction i can also start getting out of it for once and for all#like i actually want to be proud of what i've done this year. because it's a lot#and it's things i wouldn't have found myself capable of just a few months ago#like. making this blog and actually sharing my feelings and thoughts somewhere#years of being your own only confidant really messes with your brain and ability to function as an adult it turns out#but yeah i hope i can get this sorted now and the meds help and make it easier to go about my previous plans for making myself feel better#i'll try not to post about this too much but i really needed to get this out today#i know many people vent on tumblr anyway but my brain will always make me feel bad about anything and everything i do lol#vent tag
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:')
#handed in a paper last week n was 100% sure it's absolute bs#like i wasn't happy with it at all + kept hoping i wouldn't fail that class#but my prof graded it with a B+? like???#CONFIDENCE BOOST AF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA FAIL#ty for working this once brain <3#personal
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Favourite personal weapon?
(you CANNOT say battleaxe!)
probably scythe. like i know it's not really good at all for like. combat. but like look at that shit. pretty dope blade while i hold the stick. sooo cool.
#ask#anon#im not sure anything else really compares. i dont honestly think about real life weapons that much really that said.#not without being like. shotgun. or double barreled shotgun. atleast if were restricted to melee combat here.#most games i tend to play shotgun a lot#except tf2 recently where ive been shooting pee darts and donking folks with cannon balls#granted. i range from class to class with no real like... goal? whatever fits the situation and that im confident in.#like i like playing soda popper milk fan o war scout a lot. i like playing pee sniper w/ shahanshah.#for demo i tend to always go loose cannon scottish resistance scottish handshake#scottish resistance cause i like coating a battlefield with stickies and just doing my best to detonate them when i think its important to#fucking hate sticky spamming btw. valve had the right idea nerfing that shit when they did. yknow. before they reverted it.#those things should be doing 60 damage when spammed... and like can do 144 after like a second or two or whatever#that way it punishes spamming and rewards using them as traps#but then the people who have sticky stranges would get mad or whatever. idk. its weird to me that valve reverted the nerf somewhat#it does a lot of damage and you dont gotta even hit the enemy directly with the projectile. so its an easy weapon.#idk.#for heavy i dont have a real loadout im happy with. i tend to go brass beast family business and eviction notice#ik tomislav is like the best overall minigun but. idk.#eviction notice really sucks but once someones pestering me up close i really like to chase them down while punching them#since most of the 9 classes cant get out of range. ive managed to do it a bunch despite how much i dont like the weapon.#like. i wish it didnt have the max health drain. id prefer if like. i couldnt be overhealed if i had them equipped.#the slight speed increase is. okay. paired with the increase in speed when hitting a player.#though if it was simplified. id add those two stats together for the on hit attribute.#so like... less damage. faster swing speed. faster movement when hitting an enemy for a second. and no overheal when equipped.#instead of it just being a weirder worse gru.#that way its just about punishing players who get too close. and makes you weaker if youve got a medic. since you cant be overhealed.#soldier... i just use rocket launcher/black box panic attack and whip. nothing really unique about my playstyle with him.#engineer. panic attack pistol gunslinger or jag.#im no good with the widowmaker and i like having 6 shots so id rather not use the frontier justice.#anyway im at the tag limit. thank you for the ask anon!!!
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THEATRE ‼️ 💛 💥🔥✨🧡⚡️
#theatre gives me shrimp emotions that are sometimes hard to articulate other than ‘THEATRE ‼️💛💥🔥✨🧡⚡️’ but yeah! theatre! i love it so much!#the other week in the theatre class i’m taking this semester we got in groups and in turn performed a scene from twelfth night#which was super fun! it was the scene where viola and and olivia meet for the first time#and it was really neat to see how each group interpreted it#i was the olivia of my group and i made her really assertive / almost kind of aggressive because i interpreted her as trying to hide her#curiosity about viola beyond a very confident/assertive exterior; but some people played her as openly curious; or super mysterious;#or what have you; and it was so interesting!#the department is currently doing twelfth night (which is why we’re studying it in class) so a few classes later the actors playing olivia#and viola came in and performed the same scene; which was also very unique! it was SO COOL :D#they also talked a bunch about their interpretations of their characters and i got some really interesting insight into the characters that#i hadn’t considered before (for example viola’s actor said that she and the director are throwing around the idea of viola dressing as a#man in order to keep her brother alive; because at that point in time she thinks he’s dead)#and when they were done the costume designer for the same show talked to us about her process and showed us a slideshow of her renderings#+ some other relevant stuff which was super cool as i don’t know very much about costume design in general#i learned so much it was soooo cool :D#AND THEN today i saw the production of firebringer i’m working on which was also so cool but i think i’ll make a separate post about that#once i can gather my thoughts#but yeah! THEATRE ‼️💛💥🔥✨🧡⚡️#my words#elliott’s theatre adventures
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Late breaking news: our reporters have just unearthed YET ANOTHER short story wildly misinterpreted by the AP Lit teacher i hated. He can't keep getting away with this
You'll never guess which, between "The Story of an Hour" and "Harrison Bergeron" is supposed to be an absolute gut buster and which is supposed to be primarily tragic
#the thing is. the THING IS. i as a teenager trusted him as the teacher of an AP CLASS to reliably report things#like what the vibe was supposed to be. is this supposed to be comedy. and didn't have the confidence to decide#to just. universally decide he was wrong. and usually the way he was wrong was subtle#like he would decide whether death of the author applied based on personal... taste? convenience?#so we'd get Known Antifeminist Humorist Kate Chopin and Oscar Wilde's Sexuality Is Irrelevant#and the stuff he'd tell us for real was almost always suuuuuper apparent that he and i had completely different taste#so if i was on the fence about whether something was supposed to be funny and he chose the option that made me like it less i just.#chalked it up to him having terrible taste. sure. harrison bergeron is supposed to be serious. somber even. that'd track#like if im not allowed to fact check bc i cant use my phone and he decides to just. blatantly lie about an author i didnt know.#i usually was totally turned off the story by his “analysis” and didnt care to look it up once i got home
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I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this
#gamer txt.#not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs#but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt#the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them#now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot#i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb#i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been#and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb#whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do#that is like the number one way to break me#im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape#and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday?#im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave#its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her#can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ?#please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it#g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this#i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own#theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them
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got my last final project turned in last night... now all I can do is hope that I pass everything. and also packing up
#psii.txt#moving out is always so bittersweet#more bitter than sweet this time though#because if all goes well (if I pass all my classes and graduate) I won't be coming back#but... then what#job hunting I guess. wish I knew more about how to do that#really hope I'll be. able to#I want to get a job and my own place and stuff. but it's so scary#such a big step to take and I still don't feel like I'm ready#my parents think I could get a job offer needing/worth moving across the country for#I'm not that confident#maybe I'm just feeling burnt out. idk#I don't feel like I'm ready for this#but maybe I'll feel more ready once I'm getting regular amounts of sleep again and don't have all the stress of classes hanging over my head#hopefully
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// I’m all good covid-wise! it’s been a little hectic because the semester started and ive moved on campus for the first time in a while, and while i’m bummed i didnt reach my personal goal, im hoping to still be able to consistently put out content //
#that being said the earliest id expect anything from me is like sunday. i gotta get everything situated#part of why i felt confident enough to do the blog was bc i have more free time this semester#last two semesters were just crammed with work and classes and jobs and i didnt have a ton of time to breathe#and just kinda enjoy college itself and put time into a fan project#so! expect some content hopefully! once i finally get to where i want the characters#ooc
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Randomly remembered when I was a kid still the with Jehovah's Witnesses and I proudly told my bible study teacher about all the new words I'd learned in school, including the word "prediction". She proceeded to scold me for using it, and commanded I never use that word again because predictions were tied to/synonymous to magic and witchcraft which Jehovah hates. And using words like that could wreck my chances of getting baptized. Like I cared.
#god I HATED that woman#Im so glad I'll never fucking see her again#stupid ancient old bat#get fucked miss Jackie#there were so many other things she did and said#like she hated animals. HATED them#made other witnesses lock up their pets when we'd go to their houses for group bible study. and made me lock my cats up too#when she came over to study with me#she also believed animals don't have souls and that they don't play. all they do is based on instinct#and that lesson made ke make a fool of myself in school once#when my englush teacher showed the class a vid of a crow rolling down a snowy roof repeatedly and asked if what he was doing was playing#and I was the first to answer and parroted what my bible study teacher told me#and got laughed at by the class and aggressively corrected by the teacher for it#the shit you teach kids matters#and this old hag was sitting here feeding me false information#and that incident was SUCH a big blow to my confidence and pride. because I've always considered myself so knowledgeable about animals#to fuck up a basic fact like that felt cripping to me. it snowballed into affecting my decision on my future career path#I wanted to be a zoologist but dropped that dream because if I couldn't get such a sinple obvious fact right how could I#ever be an animal scientist?#anyways those are just a few examples of her evil#she was also super snobby and judgemental of everyone. especially me and the way I talked or dressed#I wish her only the worse in life because she is such a vile and pathetic human being with nothing but hate in her heart#idk why I started thinking about this btw sometimes it just comes back to me#sam's rants about life
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