#i want to write more of her so badly but i've limited myself to 2 povs and am actively trying to cut DOWN on my wordcount

[treesandwords]

Bronwyn would sit in her room in the dark blasting Florence Welch

[dreaming-marchling]

2 & 19 :)

talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

Jozef was meant to be a shadowy villain in Across the Lonely Decades and he was just not having that. Where did all of that tragic backstory come from?? Suddenly there's a final scene that had me getting myself all teary? What? That was not in the outline at all. I ended up really loving the changes and I was very proud that so many people felt for him. The juxtaposition between Jozef and Lottie vs Alec and Magnus within the question of "how far is too far to save the one you love?" was also really interesting to me. How uncomfortable it made the characters to find a limit that they must not cross even though they'd give their lives for the one they loved... not in the original plan at all but a, to me, fascinating question that I got to lightly explore because Jozef just would not stay shadowy :)

what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

I've spoken before about how positive and negative qualities of the Harry Potter series shaped me as a writer and within that was the idea of "the hand of the author" and how I felt she had chosen her ending and was steering us badly to get there without regard to the characterization she had already lined up which led to a revelation for teen!me where it was like "I've read fanfic that was just as high quality as your published work yet is more compelling and feels more true to character than what you've done" which led to the idea that fanfic, still seen as a "silly girl thing" (still kind of is but not as much as then) could be just as good as published stories.

All of that was a long winded way to share a fic that was a part of that journey for me. I wasn't sure if it had made it to AO3 but it has! A Year Like None Other by Aspeninthesunlight was like a huge influence on my writing for sure. It was complicated, there were lots of threads, characters were fleshed out and humanized and it all just felt very BIG to me. Also, the trauma recovery both physical and mental was beautiful. I was obsessed and it just blew me away both as a reader and as someone who wanted to write Like That.

Thank you! :)

[nathank77]

7/11/24

8:11 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly I'm ranting bc dual relationship is a trigger for me bc maybe just maybe despite everything something similar may be the reason I didn't kill myself.

It actually really bothers me that Erin lost her license. She met with me anyways bc she's a good person.

Why did she lose her license? Bc she was a good person. That's the fucked part. She opened up her home to a fucking client who was homeless. She cared too much. And this guy lived there for free and her one major mistake was she billed insurance twice when he kept her up until 2 a.m talking about his problems.

She's such a good person. She's always cared too much. Yea she had a dual relationship but when you get down to it, she cared so much that she wouldn't let that guy be homeless and then the fuck reported her and she lost her license.

She's a fucking great therapist. Emdr certified. Hypnosis certified. She's accepting of everyone. She'd kind, and she doesn't fucking fly away when you're over complicated.

When I saw her 7 years ago I was fucking easy just had ocd. She got me on disability. She got my loans forgiven. She got my loans forgiven by writing a letter when I wasn't even her client I messaged her 3 years later asking her to write a letter and she did it, and just sent it to me.

Then I came to her in October 2023, delusional and a fucking mess and she didn't leave me. She's still willing to meet sometimes. I'm going to meet with her monday and even if she cancels I can't blame her but I tried to talk more like friends. Connecting instead of 100% overloading her with my shit cause I picked Erin for a reason in October besides for Elise who yea I'm not going into how badly I want to know her personally- Erin was the only therapist I ever met who was fucking genuine. A real fucking human. Besides for Elise.

I'm upset for her. She should have never lost her license. The board took her license away for giving a homeless client a home.

99.99% of the field are cardboard cut outs, 2 dimensional people who only do it for money and couldn't care about you at all.

Erin opened her home up to this guy saving him from being fucking homeless and he fucked her over.

It's fucking upsetting to me bc I've met with over 50 people who are a therapist as a profession and only 2 of those PEOPLE actually cared. Really cared. Deeply.

She cared too much and the guy fucked her over. And now all of her old clients are fucked and have to find someone who isn't a automated bot. It's depressing af. Cause it's hard to find another human sitting in the "power" chair. You meet people at their jobs making a living. Some who have no concept of what living with mental illness is really like.

And this guy she helped and the board robbed the mental health field from a person who actually gives a fuck.

I'm going to try to shift gears with her and be friends. It's going to take me some time to entirety shift gears and be able to talk things out but also not make it all about me. I can't blame her if she eventually falls off the face of the earth during this adjustment period but:

Why did she have to lose her license for caring too much? I've had so many therapists look at me like I'm a lost fucking cause and they would have never helped me. Too many looked at me with the look of, "I don't get paid enough to deal with you."

I can think of two people who would go above and beyond. And I say people for a reason. Real genuine people.

She didn't fucking deserve it. She put good out in the world. Idk what the guy was thinking to report someone who would take you off the street. I get it's a dual relationship but it wasn't sexual. She provided him with shelter. And even if it was sexual it's not really a power dynamic why?

- unless you lie and bill my anthem insurnace multiple times over the weekly limit and it is causing me to receive a bill (guy was on husky) then youre not abusing your "power."

- if you're not billing my insurnace when we have sex it isn't a power relationship..

- if you're not exchanging sex for services it's not a power relationship.

-I'm pretty positive there was no sex but I'm just saying that even if there was there are few circumstances inwhich a therapist abuses her "power."

The only power a therapist has is this:

1) "it's not a good fit."

2) and they can lie and bill you for something that didn't happen but I mean that's something you can prove.

3) they can say you're not mentally competent/send you to a psych ward.

I'm upset for her. I don't think it's fair. She's still meeting with some of her clients bc she's a good person.

Dual relationship really equal this= I cared too much bc I'm a human being.

- I'd never report someone for a dual relationship with me. Christ me and Erin have been fb friends the entire time. I could have deleted her but I chose not to.

Why would I report someone for helping me?

Why would I report someone for caring too much?

- You either connect person to person or you're an automated bot. That's the thing. You either care or you look at people as money.

- a dual relationship really does equal in almost every circumstances= two humans connecting and the one that was in "power" caring too much.

-a dual relationship if sex for services wasn't involved is 1000% I cared too much. God forbid someone actually give a fuck. God forbid a therapist cared about you and sometimes you need that extra care.

Elise saved my life. Was it a dual relationship? Not really. However going above and beyond can save someone's life. Even if she never talked to me again I'd never report her. Even if she reached out to me and said I'm uncomfortable knowing you bc of your feelings. I'd never hurt her. Why? Cause she actually cared deeply about me and the genuine love cause it was love, not romantic but love like you love another human being is what has saved me. I'm not dead bc of Elise.

The phrase dual relationship to me grinds my gears bc people connect. It's person to person and sometimes the connection isn't forever much like an ex or an old best friend but what you shared was important and may have been critical enough to save your life.

I'm really genuinely upset about it. Dual relationship is really another phrase for two human being actually caring about eachother. And in a safe space like a therapeutic relationship, when the "client" sees the "therapist" cares more about them than they do about getting a paycheck. It's one of the most meaningful things in the world.

She cared when she wasn't getting paid. She cared too much. She went above and beyond. She actually saved me everytime she said I don't need money to talk to you. I don't need money to be there for you. And when you get down to it, the "therapist" is losing money and risking her career bc she cares so deeply about this PERSON she connected with and she's being SELFLESS.

Fucking selfless listening to your problems and being there for you when she should be getting paid for it.

-I'll say it again dual relationships really= I cared too much bc I'm a human being.

[inkovert]

LOL I love that good job you fucked this up so badly that I have to go fix it myself mood 😂 Creating stories out of spite is so valid (I suppose that's how some fanfics come about isn't it?). I've had that same thought/urge many times but I haven't scratched the itch yet. I'm kind of curious what the book series is now 👀 But either way, I'm sure you will give the story the justice it deserves - can't wait to read the outcome :)

Oh tell me about it you are preaching to the choir right now. Editing a draft of a story is *incredibly* hard! I wanna argue that it's even harder than just writing the first draft itself. Like I got thousands of words down on the page, I created something from nothing - now you want me to go back and make it make sense??? Haven't I done enough?? And then it's like I have so many things I want to fix and I don't even know where to start bro, and fixing one thing might fuck up something else so maybe I shouldn't even touch it - it's a brutal and endless process (you've probably seen me complaining about this recently 😂). It truly is a huge job and very intimidating so I sympathize. One thing that helped me was to determine 1-2 things that I wanted to fix with this draft and ignore everything else so you don't end up running yourself ragged. It's hard. Incredibly hard. Because you start re-writing and you're like 'oh I know I said I was only going to make character X more consistent in this draft but...what if I also try to drop some foreshadowing in...and some symbolism? maybe find a way to sprinkle in some themes?' You really have to discipline yourself or you'll get overwhelmed. Anyway I am rambling but if you ever want some advice on how to go about editing (from my very very limited experience going through it rn) I'm happy to lend some coals of wisdom whenever you decide to tackle ATN. But don't feel pressure to start, I don't want you to overwhelm yourself even more D: You sound like you've got a lot on your plate. Focusing on just writing for fun and based on random inspiration also sounds like a good plan too!

Aww thank you for saying that 🥺 I pride myself on making strong characters so that means a lot <3 Putting all the parts of editing aside that make me wanna pull out my hair - I'm really loving the way this second draft is coming along. I feel like I'm falling in love with my story all over again and it just really solidifies how important these characters and this story is to me. I've changed quite a bit from the first draft, from character identities (Cami is practically a whole new character) to whole parts of the plot and it's just working so well. I could scream about so much, but I think I'm the most proud of how much stronger the characters feel in this draft. Even minor characters who I didn't wholly flesh out in the last draft feel more concrete in this one. I'm also living for Cami's characterization in this draft. She's just...so fucking cool? So driven, headstrong, so immersed in her interests (music, art) in a way that they make up such vital parts of her identity, like if you take those things away from her she will no longer be Cami. And she has such a strong sense of self too. Don't get me wrong she has a shit ton of issues to work through but at least at her core she knows who she is and what she wants. Ugh I could go on forever but yeah. I just love her. And all my characters. I feel like a proud mother watching them grow into fully-fledged people 😂

hi hi! How did you come up with the idea for __RISK IT? (I'm also not 100% sure I understand what it's about from the synopsis but it sounds intriguing so feel free to talk more about it generally). Also - no rush, no pressure just asking out of curiosity - when do you think you will pick ATN back up?

Hello!! *waves* Hope everything’s going well. ^_^

So, funny thing about ___RISK IT -- it came about purely out of spite. 😅 No but seriously, I read one book of this series and really liked it, and then I read the second book and was kinda disappointed, and then I read the third and was incensed. Just went in a direction that I really, really disliked. I guess it had sorta been telegraphed from the beginning but also I felt like the author kinda was writing based on reviews and it just... annoyed the crap out of me. So I was like, ‘well, if you dislike it that much, why don’t you write what you would’ve preferred to read?’ and then I took a few bits and pieces from other abandoned ideas and cobbled them together. :D I’m not entirely sure what will come of it, because I have this thing where I start a WIP and then want to throw absolutely everything into it and it becomes to complicated and then I abandon it (ooops), but there’s a loose plot for most of it and I do like what I have so far, so that’s something! ^_^

As for ATN -- first, thanks so much for asking about it, makes me grin like an idiot when people remember some of my stuff! ^_^ I’d planned to look at it over this uni break (the end of which is rapidly approaching D:) because I kinda think I need a decent whack of time to overhaul it into something that works. The pacing is all over the place and I’ve got some repetitive scenes where the characters are basically just having conversations (which, surprise surprise, is my favourite thing to write 🙄), so I wanna rejig a lot of that. There’s also the deletion of characters from the first half (which changes the pacing again) and the way I wanna incorporate some worldbuilding (without fucking up the pacing), so it... I guess it feels like it’s a huge job and I’m a little intimidated by it?

Honestly, though, I really should just start and see how I go. I haven’t even done a full reread of it yet, which really should be the first thing. I dunno. I have a vague idea of what I want to do this year (short version: with starting a double degree and the amount of work I have to do to live, I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, so I’m leaning towards just writing whatever the hell strikes me (one scene from a random idea, another for something else if it occurs to me; basically not focusing on any particular WIP, just getting words on the page for anything and everything) but in saying that an editing focus could also work. 🤔 So, essentially -- no solid plans for when at the moment, but it is definitely on my mind! :D

How are things going with you? Anything exciting with SCIF you’d like to yell about? I’m loving all the character interactions you’ve been posting, you’ve definitely got a talent for getting across a helluva lot of characterisation in very little time. :D

[revchainsaw]

One Cut of the Dead (2017)

Spoiler Alert. I have never made the claim that this is a spoiler free film blog. I barely consider this a collection of film reviews as much as it is a space for me to have a one sided conversation about movies. I don't want to limit myself to the constraints of spoiler free content, for one because I believe in most cases we don't watch films to be surprised. I read many books, and many of those books have been adapted into films, and never once has knowing what is going to happen ruined my experience of a film. In regards to One Cut of the Dead however, I think you owe it to yourself to stop reading right here and go and see this film for yourself. I'm going to get the letter grade out of the way right now and let you know without any context that One Cut of the Dead get's an A from Reverend Chainsaw and the Cult of Cult. However, if you've already seen the movie and you would like to worship along with the Cult Film Tent Revival, please read on.

The Message

One Cut of the Dead is a two for one punch. First we are told the story of a film director who goes to extreme measures to create his zombie film. These extreme measures include shooting in a former testing facility and using an occult ritual to bring real zombies into the mix. The real zombies terrorize the actors and the crew as the mad director sporadically pops in and out shouting "Action". This almost 40 minute short film is of course done in one outstanding take. Due to all the running and chasing if you are a fan of butts more than faces, you will have a pleasant time. Still, this short film is off, there are strange lags where characters jump up from off screen for one reason or another, points where the camera drops and points at the ground, or where long drawn out conversations occur or the action just suddenly stops for an unexplained reason. What could possibly be happening?

Well, this is why when the credits roll early on in the feature you should stay tuned. You see our One Cut meta film, is actually a film within a film. Every thing that can go wrong will go wrong. Higurashi is a small time director living in Japan who specializes in small projects. One day he is scouted by the Zombie channel that is looking to launch it's premier with a very special project. Impressed with Higurashi's signature style "cheap but average", they propose that he be their man. The Zombie Channel wants to do a LIVE ONE TAKE thirty minute short film. After initially taking a moment to realize this insane idea is no joke, Higurashi agrees.

The filming takes way. The cast is difficult, the crew is barely manageable, and Higurashi and his wife are forced by their strange circumstances to take prominent roles in the chaotic picture. Equipment breaks down, improvisations are required, and there is no time for bathroom breaks. "One Cut of the Dead" proves a bizarre testing ground for our likeable rogues and they somehow manage against all odds to pull it off, explaining every quirk and oddity in the short films run time.

Please, please treat yourself and join me in receiving The Benediction.

Best Aspect: All is Revealed

One Cut of the Dead is so frustrating that it's brilliant, and so brilliant that it is frustrating. I want to know so badly if the film we see in the first half, is actually made up of footage that was being shot by the cast as the second half was being filmed, as opposed to being shot like a traditional movie. If so, It would add yet a third level of beautiful meta narrative to this movie.

What is particularly brilliant is that it does not sell itself as a film about film making, but as a much easier film where "it turns out the monsters are real", spoopy doopy stuff. Once you go in expecting that and you see all this surreal amateur stuff happening it keeps you intrigued. Why is the zombie pausing, why did those legs just appear on screen and walk off? Your left wondering what is happening and then the credits roll and the second part of the movie begins.

The second half is hilarious and it's so fun as you have each little mystery resolved and it's never boring but almost always mundane. This is not a horror movie, well it does contain a horror movie, but this is a love letter to all those happy accidents. I particularly love Evil Dead and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a love that is fueled by the chaotic stories that happened behind the scenes. It may be scripted, but One Cut of the Dead gives me all the satisfaction of watching a low budget horror romp, immediately followed by it's charming creation myth.

Worst Aspect: A Hat wearing a Hat

That said, it's strength is also a weakness. It is hard to write about, it's hard to always keep your head straight. This movie is a movie about making a movie about making a movie, it also is contains the movie about making a movie. Are you lost? No? Maybe I'm just dumb. It helps to not try to hard to explain it. And it only takes a little time to keep it all straight, but then again that's asking way more of the audience than most films do. Personally, it's barely even a problem, but that just speaks to how freaking great One Cut of the Dead is.

Best Character: In on the ACTION!

There is not a single character in One Cut of the Dead that is unlikeable, I almost did not give this movie a best character. However after a little bit of thinking I came down to Higurashi or Nao. Oh how I love you Nao, you crazy wild thing. But when it comes down to just candid hopefulness, and a hero that you root for the whole movie, Higurashi is the man. Every time he solves a problem and smiles it just warms my heart. I keep watching to see Higurashi succeed and anxiously anticipate his failure. The satisfaction the audience feels at the completion of this film hinges entirely on whether you want Higurashi to accomplish his herculean task.

Most WTF Moment: POOP!

I'm not even going to explain this one. Just know that there is a line of dialogue that is simply "poop" and it'll get ya.

Most Memorable Shot: Ritual Site

In lieu of a Best Kill category or another Worst category (which is hard to come up with in regards to One Cut), I'd invented the Most Memorable Shot category. It's not the same as a scene because in my minds eye I'm not thinking of a whole sequence. if I were I'd have to give it to the titular one cut. What I mean is a solid shot that sticks with me when I close my eyes and think about this film. And at the conclusion of the film within a film our lead actress is clutching a knife, facing the camera that is staring down at her, and at her feet is a massive pentagram made of blood. It's a really cool image and if you've seen the movie you know how much Higurashi and the crew worked to get that specific image in your mind. You could say out of all the visuals in this movie the pentagram shot is the top of the pyramid.

Summary

Once Cut of the dead is so enjoyable I've watched it 3 times in 2 days. Every time I rewatch it I catch something else. My initial motivation was to see the first segment again with the thought of the second segment in mind, but I just couldn't stop there. This movie is candy. This movie is cocaine. If you love horror films for the artistry (or lack there of) and not just for the scares, then this movie will hit many sweet spots for you. Don't sleep on this. Get a Shudder subscription and watch One Cut of the Dead, and then watch it again.

Overall Grade: A

[hoopdiddies]

I'm Not Over You // Ben Hardy x Reader (Part 10)

A/N: I am so sorry that I have not been on for a full week. The phone I had used to edit this in broke and I had to buy a new one plus this is the last chapter and apparently the longest, regardless of my recent claims of the previous ones being the longest lmao. I hope this won't disappoint, I couldn't think of a more consistent flow due to the days I've been without my phone to type some ideas in. I hope you guys will enjoy this last part anyway, and thank you so much for supporting this entire series! I have a new series in mind but it's a WIP. Thanks again for all the love! IMPORTANT NOTE: I WILL BE CUTTING A PART IN THIS CHAPTER AND PUTTING IT UNDER A PART 10.1 IMMEDIATELY AFTER I POST THIS FOR THE SAKE OF THE LIMIT. TAGS WILL BE MENTIONED IN THE COMMENTS

Summary for this part: A wedding brought you apart and it will be a wedding that will bring you back together.

Warnings: A good balance of fluff and angst, mention of injuries and alcohol and some long ass writing.

WC: A whopping 10k

Parts: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

You are painfully a feet away from the door and yet here you are, frozen after having turned 180 degrees only to stumble upon those eyes you had hoped to gaze into again. One swallow from you and you begin gliding along the tiled surface towards him, checking through every pad whether or not he's really awake.

After stopping at his side, you are now certain you're not anywhere close to dreaming. "Ben?" His name leaving your lips like an answered prayer. He's staring back at you with his left eye half-open – taking into account his current sensitivity to light– but with the same energy he exudes everytime you're together.

His chapped lips curl into a smile so slow yet so sweet at the same time; almost an upgrade to his classic 'Benny beam' which you had fun dubbing back in the days. "Y/N..."

And once again, you disrupt the orderly function of your tears and let them gush down, quickly but carefully wrapping your arms around him in bittersweet joy, exclaiming his name thrice into his hospital gown. "You...you bloody idiot! I thought you'd never wake up..."

Having just woken up from a coma, his voice comes out extra breathy and brittle but full of life, chuckling at how you're greeting him back into the conscious world. "Is that...is that how you welcome your best mate back?"

You shake your head ardently, sniffling against his chest and taking in the scent of mint. "Shut up. You frightened us!"

He really wakes up seconds before the clock strikes 'it's too late'. The convenience is hardly believable.

"I'm gonna call the doctor and tell him you're up." You act swiftly on your feet but a grip as strong as you least expected it to be hinders you from taking a step away and you turn around at Ben who's woven his fingers around yours. You give him a concerned yet quizzical look for it.

He sighs deeply, closing his logy eyes for a brief moment before opening them to you– gazing up at you meaningfully as he draws you close with the little, physical strength he has left. "You frightened me, rather."

"What... are you talking about?"

You won't admit it now but the way his fingers are currently snaked around yours could make your heart palpitate any second now.

His green eyes bore into yours effectively, suddenly invalidating your surroundings and making it seem like it's just you and him on the face of the entire planet.

He struggles to swallow before repeating. "You frightened me. You're still leaving..."

His voice crack as he said 'leaving' obliterates the fragments of what was once your soul, punching a gaping hole as a replacement. How is he able to remember your emotional outburst at the after party when he has just woken up and should at least forget a few details?

But then you realize you've been talking to him a lot as he was out of order.

You nod unfortunately, laying your hand on his which is still fondling your other one. His skin has warmed up a notch and that's a progress. You need to clarify this to him again since the last time you did, you both ended up in  disarray and in the middle of the road.

"I...I've already told you everything."

"I don't wanna- I don't wanna lose you."

"Ben..." You cut off as your hopeless gazes meet like lightning, his irises  darkening at the manner in which your eyes have transfixed on his.

"Please..."

Worried that his stable condition might shift due to the rising agitation he's showing, you sit beside him and bring his knuckles up to your lips, hearing the beeping of the heart monitor quicken which sounds incredibly alarming, an indication that his heart rate has elevated due to his induced stress.

You press your lips into his pale knuckles with your eyes thoroughly shut hoping to soothe him through it, tears trickling from your cheeks and onto the back of his hand as you choke on your words. "Ben...come on. You know I can't stay, you have to understand that."

He slowly shakes his head, biting his bottom lip as he grimaces at the bitterness, softly but agonizingly begging for you to reconsider. "You have to. Please, love. I need you to. I want you to."

Do the short term effects include stubbornness? Cause he's really determined to get you to stay no matter what. Joe must be tortured with waiting by now and at any given moment, he's bound to consider barging in.

You kind of hope he would. God, you should be out there notifying his attending physician about his regained consciousness and for goodness sake, Rosy ought to be here for this. She can't just wander out whenever she likes when her fiance's an injured man struggling to recover.

While keeping his trembling knuckles close to your lips, you move closer and question him, your voice downsizing to an unsteady whisper. "Why? Ben, I'm leaving primarily to pursue a career. Not just because of some heartbreak, this is a dream come true. I'm finally a stair close to reaching it. Why aren't you at least happy for me?"

"I am..."

"Then you have to let me go."

"It's not that easy..."

"Do you think it's any more easier for me? No! But this is what must be and you have to trust me on this," it's as if your heart is in your mouth from feeling so harrowed by all of this, but you have to make him see that this is the only way and that it is also important that you leave, "I'm sorry if I said some things that night that weren't exactly the way I felt. But I have to leave. You're getting married to Rosy soon, you know. Don't worry about me..."

He wishes he could just sit up with ease and cage you in his arms but all his incapacities at the moment are inhibiting him from doing so. Knowing he can't do anything about it emotionally deflates him.

He withdraws his hand a little and presses it to your flushed cheek, kneading your delicate skin as he shakes his head gently to prevent the dressing around his head from becoming less taut.

"I think I know well enough who I want to marry now..."

You can't distinguish what present beating has accelerated; the heart monitor's, your own heart, or at best both. But you're sure as hell his words weren't a product of your own imagination, your eyes drifting from one of his orbs to the other in a daze, looking for any sign that would prove that it's not you he's directed it at but it does otherwise.

"What are you saying?"

The skin of the front of his neck moves along as he swallows dryly to assure you the realness of his words, his thumb traveling up your face to wipe  the moist corner of your eye. "I'm a bloody wanker for taking so long to see...that you're the one who has always kept me grounded, who has always made me feel more like myself. Even as far as making me feel like I don't need all this fame to lead a good life, " his breath shortens between each sentence and your jaw goes slack as he exploits the atmosphere to continue, eyes buried deep into yours as if the space in between doesn't even matter anymore.

"I'm an idiot...for not realising sooner that it's always been you."

"Ben-"

"I love you too, Y/N L/N, more than the way I used to. How could I ever be happy without you? We promised neither of us is going anywhere, right? "

Definitely not in the context of mere friendship. For a moment, you make it your quest to find your voice to react and you do.

"You can't. You can't- I mean, what about Rosy? Surely your feelings for her wouldn't just go away like that-"

"It's been doused for so long with the ones for you growing," he's thumb is now gingerly stroking circles on your cheek, the green in his eyes gleaming, "that dance at the after party put me in my place and I asked you if you were still coming to my wedding because...it was my way of telling you how I felt at that moment."

Despite the idea coming off a little incoherent, you immediately get the bottom line. It would've been like coming to your own wedding. You study his gaze confusingly before coming to believe that he actually does love you back in the way you always have.

The words have been built up from the moment he whipped out his share of the polaroid and reestablished his promise as the way he felt towards you took a dramatic turn.

Yet no matter how badly you want to stay and finally work some things out with him, he's engaged and you're leaving in 45 minutes.

And what of Rosy? Hopefully Ben wouldn't think of just fragmenting her like that.

Your deafening silence puts Ben under a heap of worry as he painfully anticipates for your reaction. You shake your head at the unlikelihood of your present situations, bringing your eyes shut as you respond in the only way you can without any words needed to express how sorry you are and how much you've waited for him to say it.

Against your better judgement, you lean your body towards him and catch him off guard with the most bittersweet, goodbye kiss anyone could ever exercise on a moment's notice.

You can tell his positive response with how rapid the heart monitor pulses are becoming and how his lips have begun moving passionately against yours.

His eyes flutter shut in return, tangling his fingers in your hair as he dares to deepen the kiss, eager to feel every inch of your lips as he knows that you still won't be staying after this.

Wait for me to come home...

You pull away catching your breaths as you rest your forehead on his, his hand stroking the back of your hair for the little time you have left in your hands.

This feels so wrong yet so right at the same time. Howbeit strong the desire to stay put, you break away before the spark between either of you becomes magnetizing enough to change your mind.

"Please tell me where you're going...please." He pleads yet you refuse to tell him where you're headed to avoid a fuss, shaking your head apologetically with the space between you both increasing.

"I'm so sorry." You whisper, retreating quickly to the door as you ignore his broken pleas and just in time to be welcomed by the doctor, Rosy and some nurses who are here to conduct another assessment. Your pulse picks up at the sight of an uneasy Rosy along with an extra glimpse of a tuft of red and a head of blonde hair overtopping from behind her, eager to check up on whatever is occurring.

Joe and Lucy.

You clear your throat as you utter quickly to the doctor, unable to set your gaze steady. "He's awake." Your update stirs them to hasten on their steps inwards and you don't bother to stop to give Rosy a glance as she brushes by you, with you feeling the slightest, if not an immense amount of guilt for kissing her fiance– your best friend, who now has to make a troubling choice in choosing between you and her. Most importantly, you wouldn't dare to contend with Rosy over this, you'd rather let it happen naturally and see where it would lead but that's the least of your priorities.

You've whizzed a meter past Joe and Lucy but freeze in your spot at Joe's frail call of your name, your shoulders relaxing after a brief pause. "Y/N...how did- how did it go?"

You remain static in your spot, just wanting to leave the building and basically see past everything.

"Let's just go."

Of course he and Lucy half expected your last conversation to be balanced on a scale of nonchalant to vehement but it went off the boundary of vehemence. With one more look at the closed door, the two catch up with you on your way out with a plan on revisiting Ben on their way back from the airport.

You lengthen the sleeve of your sweater and dab your eyes with it, striding towards the car and slipping into passenger's seat gracefully with the two trailing from behind. Once they climb in after you, they begin bombarding you with questions you'd expect them to drop but being so exhausted from all of drama just lessens your likelihood of elaborating your answers. With a few questions dismissed, you ask Joe to just step on it and he complies sadly.

Lucy gives you a sympathetic, lopsided smile and however stagnant your expression is at the moment, you return the favor as the car accelerates on the road ahead.

You bother to give the distancing hospital one last look; giving him one last look.

At the same time the doctors are asking Ben some questions and performing a few physical tests on him, you make it to the airport with some time to spare. Joe and Lucy accompany you into the waiting area agreeing to stick around just until your flight number is announced.

Propping your luggage bag against a vacant seat next to the ones Joe and Lucy are seated on, you dig through your pocket and pull your phone out to check if there are any calls you've slept on. So far nothing of the sort but a dozen texts from friends and acquaintances wishing you the best on your flight to Spain, though you still have to return to London to collect your essentials.

Their words coax a small smile on your lips and after pressing the button to your home screen, the wallpaper brings a small tear to your eye– you and Ben with your arms wrapped around each other beaming goofily at the shutter of the camera.

In this instance, you begin wondering why photos and pictures

have become such a recurring emblem in your friendship. Joe and Lucy notice the sadness spring out of your eyes and cloud your features as you gaze one last time at your phone, and they instantly figure out what you were looking at. Lucy gets up and turns you around softly by the shoulder, prompting you to talk it out to them prior to leaving. If it unloads the stresses you're under then you agree to it, telling them what went on inside the room not too long ago.

Upon mentioning the bit where Ben confessed to you and was insistent on not letting you leave, Joe breathes out a firm, "I knew it" and Lucy shakes her head incredulously at Ben's 'perfect' timing but overall they're both glad he's opened his eyes– in a metaphorical and physical sense– to the person who has always been worthy of that spot in his life. As your conversation comes to a close, the announcement of the boarding of your flight number limits your bittersweet goodbyes however you do promise that you'll call them as soon as you touchdown.

"You better do well out there! Don't forget to call us every once in a while. Or everyday, damn it!" Joe calls out after blowing multiple kisses to you, he and Lucy bidding you an effective farewell.  You wave back at them with a reassuring grin before disappearing into the crowd of bustling passengers, huffing sadly underneath your breath as you trail your finger smoothly across your bottom lip– where Ben had left his precious, goodbye mark for you. Something you ought to hold on to dearly for the moments you'll be missing out on.

Many months later

During your first day in the University of Barcelona, you could've sworn it was all but a dream and at any given moment you could've awakened; but it wasn't. It was right before your eyes and you were standing upon the solid concrete that held those opportunities. In the first days you were but a foreigner; merely wandering around the campus with your textbooks in hand making your journey to the lab and cafeteria a noble quest. Like your life depended on finding your way through every twist and turn on a day to day basis, asking fellow students where particular rooms were as you struggled to maintain good eye contact.

It was an everyday uphill battle for everyone.

However things have improved immensely in the following months, you have gained new friends in most of your classes, developed a good sense of direction around the campus and you've scored solid 90's in your classes which you thought would be bumpy the first time but attainable anyway through nights spent with ounces of coffee, extensive reading and episodes of academic agony.

Despite the pressures in your first year, you still keep in touch with your friends and family back home, especially with Joe and Lucy to whom you had once swore to always call. They're glad to know you've been at your peak in the past few months plus they wouldn't stop making a fuss about how much they miss you and long to have some sort of reunion once you decide to go back for a break. They've been well too– Joe's planning on producing a new movie although he's not certain with the details yet, Gwilym has talked to you as well and he's thriving with new projects which you were quick to congratulate him on and Lucy - oh, darling Lucy- apparently Rami had taken her out of the country again and popped the question out of nowhere just two months after you left.

Of course, when she told you the news the hot brew you had nearly swallowed came spewing out of your mouth in surprise thereby catching the attention of the people you were with at that time. But that was out of happiness too, she's invited you to her wedding –a few months after breaking to you the news of her engagement– which is to take place two weeks from now, something you're unfortunately unsure of attending since you are steadfast on getting heaps of classwork done.

But you promised to update her if ever you found an opening on that week to squeeze in a flight.

"Aren't you coming with us? They're waiting downstairs and it's our only night off this week. " Ava, your roommate and closest friend among the others, asks as she slips on her cardigan, ready to leave for a night out. You've got a book propped up in front of you and you were just getting immersed in the lines you've taken your eyes off of. "Er, it's kind of a cold night out. You girls have fun anyway."

"You sure?"

You nod, flipping your pen in your fingers. "Just bring me home a smoothie while you're at it."

"Get your butt off the chair and do it yourself!" She whines as she throws a nearby ball of cotton at you and you giggle lightheartedly, wishing her and the girls good luck as she heads out, shutting the door behind her.

You're just relieved they can communicate fluently with you or you never would've gotten around the city easily. Just as you begin turning your attention back to your book, you suddenly lose the interest to continue and just close it for the night, picking your phone up and tossing yourself on the bed with a small jounce as you land.

You shift on your spot as you check through your messages, emails, some posts from friends and whatnot to pass the hour, eventually noticing a message from an unknown number sent just earlier today. Curiosity peaks in you and you don't think twice before clicking on it to read.

You've changed your number weeks prior anyway so it could be from someone you know whose phone number you haven't asked for yet.

Hey, Y/N.

I know this is out of the blue but it's been a while since I've heard from you and in all honesty I didn't even bother to contact you the first time out of the assumption that you might have busied yourself a lot and don't have the time to check your phone. But I've become so worried then that I had to decide to ask you how you're doing. How you're holding up wherever you are. If you're not overworking yourself since you tend to do that a lot. I know it's been months since we've last talked to each other but I just miss you. I miss seeing you, having those late night conversations that got you late in the morning for work, hanging out and your voice. I kind of want to call you but you might be occupied and I don't wanna be a bit of a bother.

I miss you so much, love. Every single day. I'm trying to distract myself with the new project I've taken but you're just impossible to sleep on. When will you ever be back?

Why does the tone of the message seem familiar?

You reread along the last lines and your heart comes to a stop at one word that gives away the possible identity of the sender.

The lingering silence in the room making it possible for you to hear the elevated throbbing of your heart. It's been a while since he's slipped into your mind and even until now, the love you have for him is still flourishing wholly. Even when you had your mind set on your studies, your heart unknowingly had some other priorities.

So has he called things off with Rosy because if he hasn't yet, the tone of the message wouldn't come off as sincere as this.

That's a question you don't need answered for the meantime however you wonder how he was able to text you when you've pretty much changed your number.

You hope he's fully recovered from that head trauma though it's been nearly a year since that happened. Your thumbs hover over the keyboard, thinking about replying.

Hey. Ben if this is you, it's great to hear from you again.

Your eyes dart to the send button, taking a brief pause before hitting it and discarding your phone to the side at least hoping he wouldn't respond immediately because then it would lead to a conversation that might just turn awkward.

Never have you had an awkward talk with him so it's something you wouldn't want to acquaint yourself with.

You grab your pillow and press your cheek against it in uncertainty.

"Don't even start...thinking about him." You mumble groggily into the pillow and lay flat on your back as you begin wallowing in your own doubt, your eyes becoming droopy at every second spent on staring at the pale ceiling with your right arm and leg thrown over the pillow like you're never gonna let it go.

You never even considered seeing someone else because deep down, you still hoped for him. Though you had exchanged some stares and 'interactive' words with a few guys in your classes, none of them ever came or would ever come close to Ben.

- - - - - - -

This week's lab work gave your brain a mild whiplash with all the hustling you were required to do.

Every morning, you either had breakfast or not and it all depended on how early you had to be there. Provided that you had to take off in the early hours, you had to skip a good  bite nearly every morning; plus you were all being assessed closely by your professor and so a downshifted movement was every bit as unacceptable.

At least now that you had just gotten off from your last period you can reward yourself with some good Mediterannean food that should be the ultimate dinner of your night.

You and Ava are seated around a table laughing and enjoying each other's companies with your plates and glasses half-filled with leftovers after a quick chow down, but your attention is quickly divided as a text from Lucy surfaces. She's asked you about your availability next week and you ought to re-check your schedule for it. Once again upon pressing your home screen button you can't help but let a longing smile take form on your lips at your wallpaper and with you being oblivious to Ava noticing, to your demise, she takes a sly peek at what you're looking at and disrupt your train of thought.

"Who's that?" Ava asks with a cheeky grin to which you quickly recoil with your phone held loosely in your hand.

"Nothi- no-one. "

As nosy as she is tenacious, she swiftly

snatches your phone from your weak grip and dares to unlock it, the  wallpaper of you and Ben making her swoon in delight. "Y/N, how on Earth did you get Ben Hardy to hold you for a photo like this?" Squealing like a schoolgirl, Ava grills you with an inquisitive look. You've never bothered to tell her or any of your new found friends anything about your friendship with him and so now she thinks you're a fan who merely got luck in her favour for a picture.

If only she knew.

"I don't know? How'd you know it's him?" You speak up your mind, a fleeting blush crawling its way to your face.

" Bohemian Rhapsody was a hit, of course. Queen rocks and I was all for it," she gesticulates as a matter of fact and winks playfully, "and later on we were all for the cutie who played Roger Taylor."

You try your very best not to let a single squeak of laughter escape your lips as she begins drooling over him. What are the chances of her finding out, right? You would tell her about it and have her meet him however your situation is too dire to act in. Come to think of it, you haven't received a reply to your reply to his message. He could be juggling a lot in his hands at the moment, perhaps.

"Cutie. Yeah, he's cute. But the guy seems clumsy enough to drop your heart." Here you are throwing a sportive shade all the way from Barcelona.

As if she's taken a fake offense at your comment, Ava overdoes a gasp. "Is that how you say thanks?"

You respond with a one-shoulder shrug, your voice neutral to keep yourself from giving away the screams of your heart. "I'm just saying. What are we doing next week by the way?"

"As I've been told by Mr. Gomez, the school will be hosting an array of meetings with the BOD and so we're given a time off."

You blink thrice at her. "Seriously? Like a week?"

She forks a tapa from her plate and bites down on it, nodding at you. "Three days max." So you don't have the entire week off, but that's great. Given that you had told Lucy you'd update her about your availability during that time and now that you have a few days to spare, you're conditioned to go. You quickly get up from your chair and excuse yourself from Ava, making your way to the terrace to dial Lucy who you hope is reachable at the meantime.

"Hello?"

"Lucy, hey!"

"Y/N, thank goodness you called!"

"About my weekly update?" You bite down on your lip in excitement, swinging your leg back and forth aimlessly.

"What about it?"

"I'm free next week."

- - - - - - -

"And cut! Okay everyone, lunch break. We're not cleaning up the rubble yet so we'll leave it there for the next scene." At the sound of the clapperboard slamming, all stunts have been ceased until the next roll and the main actors retreat individually to their own trailers, one of which is Ben who is walking back within beads of sweat dripping from his forehead as a result of a car stunt he had to perform on set. He's glad he can finally swing his left arm with unbridled ease after disposing of the sling just two months back although he's left with a few scars; the primary one on his forehead from the trauma he had.

A PA hands him a bottle of water and he thanks her for the save, cracking the lid off and chugging away. He waves at his fellow co-stars before entering his trailer and slipping out of his sweaty shirt, dumping it on the edge of the bed.

He places the bottle on a coffee table and swipes his phone from his drawer, being welcomed by a heap ton of messages, one days older than the next. He scratches his head at the result of his constant business; not being able to find time to reply thereby impregnating his inbox with miscellaneous messages.

Three from Lucy which he is 'obligated' to check first and foremost. Ben's lips twitch to an uneven smirk as he reads her messages, amused that he's been invited to her wedding, along with other people.

He replies with a simple yet sincere, "Thanks, I'll mark it on my calendar" before proceeding to put his phone down on the bed. He sighs, taking out his wallet from his drawer and opening it to pick out something, the dual polaroid he's folded in catching his eye and all of his attention; and for a moment, his heart stops.

He pulls it out from its slot and unfolds it, the tape used to stick it together  crinkled but still an effective adhesive. Without taking his eyes off of the polaroids, he plops down on the edge of the bed and wipes his forehead, hiding the ridiculous smile he now has on his face behind his hand. The memory still does things to him apparently and he has never let go since the day you kissed him goodbye. He can still feel the touch of your lips linger on his and admittedly, he traces his finger across the spot every time you cross his mind. The things you had said to him while he was unconscious ultimately stuck in his mind and he just longs to hear your voice once more. There are multiple times he forgets that you're not around to vent to or watch a good game of rugby with or do whatever you used to do together, no matter the trouble.

Generally speaking, he just yearns to be with you.

On a side note, he had long called things off with Rosy, exactly a day after he had awakened. Of course, she didn't take it easy but he knew damn well who he loved.

A heavy sigh leaves Ben's lips as he lowers his head at the frustration he feels for never owning up to his feelings.

She probably has some other guy in her life now. What are my chances? He thinks dryly to himself. "Hey, Ben? Break is over." The assistant director knocks on his trailer door and he tells him that he'll be out in a few. Tucking the polaroids back into his wallet, he snags the fresh shirt that's been laid out on the sofa across him and pulls it on, combing his blond hair back with his fingers before heading out to get the day done without realizing that he has skipped your reply.

With the days leading up to Rami and Lucy's wedding, they have never been more busier about any other event in their entire lives. They've decided on a beach wedding and to hold the reception there as well. Lucy has made you one of her bridesmaids yet you declined at first because that would mean you would have to fly in early for a practice down the aisle but she's assured you that practice wouldn't be necessary. She has taken care of the dresses and such and all you need to do is just fly down to California, again, to attend. Speaking of dresses, you bought her a little wedding gift yourself. It's something small but it's bound to suit her look.

You've told Ava about the wedding– excluding essential details like whose wedding it is specifically– and she's a little disheartened that you wouldn't be around to hang out with for the week but you've reassured her that you won't be long; considering you'll also be reviewing for upcoming tests.

"Okay, so it's a beach wedding? Drastic times call for some drastic measures, chica!" She exclaims and throw her arms up in the air, springing out of her bed and rummaging through her wardrobe as you throw what you can into one, just one luggage bag.

She pulls out a black two-piece bikini from the drawers and upon beholding it, you feel your eyes burn to a crisp. "There won't be any swimming, as far as I'm concerned."

"You'll never know. Just toss this in, it might come in handy." You swear you saw a mischievous glint in her eye as she said that. You press your lips into a tentative, hard line before surrendering,  grabbing the pair from her and stuffing it in the unreachable depths of your luggage.

"Happy?" She nods vigorously and you sigh in defeat, zipping your bag close.

The day came and the jet lag is still real. You've flown in a day prior,  exactly the day of Lucy's bridal shower and well, a literal bone crushing hug welcomed you on your way into the arrival area. She looked really fresh and bloomy before you arrived but afterwards, it was a messy head of hair and a waste of makeup, not to give it a stretch but it was. She's shed a few tears from how long you've been gone and you couldn't help but shed a few yourself, awfully missing her and the rest.

She's prepped a hotel for all her bridesmaids to stay in and you had some thoughts on how much she's spent but it's her wedding so who are you to question? As she helps you settle in your room, she pauses and brings you in for another big hug.

"Aww, Luce." You chuckle over her shoulder, rubbing her back.

She snaps her eyes shut and hums. "Oh Y/N, I've missed you. We all have. I know we call a lot even from a distance but it's been so long since we've last seen each other."

You sigh heavily, still holding her close.

"LAX. Yeah. It's only been a year but it feels like forever," you pull away deliberately, hands still firm on her shoulders with a heartfelt gaze, "Congratulations, Luce. You and Rami better make wonderful babies."

She smacks your arm lightly as an appropriate response to your little tease. "Shut it. Tell me everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah," she planks down on the edge of the duvet and crosses her legs, leaning her body forward, "how's Spain? How's the school? The agony? Been seeing someone?" The last bit catches you by surprise; as if she's emphasized the question enough for it to be the main thing you have to answer. You disregard it for a few seconds until she brings it up again. You turn to give her an incredulous brow lift, something she returns with a curious grin. "Are you seeing anyone?"

In your mind, she should know that you've only ever had one guy in your heart but knowing Lucy, she just wants to hear you say it yourself .

You huff underneath your breath, planting your hands on your hips as you perpend on saying the following. "Spain is amazing. School is both heaven and hell. The agony exists in every divot, and no, I'm not seeing anyone."

"That's good."

You glance sideways awkwardly. "Okay? Is what good?"

"Everything, except the agony part, especially the last."

"I'm not seeing anyone?" You repeat and she nods with a blossoming smile. You don't say anything else since it's obvious that she's keen on letting you talk about Ben but today's not the day that you do. It's the day before her wedding and every present air particle should be all about her.

"Regardless, Miss Boynton. This week is all about you so," you alter your stance and skip to your luggage bag, unzipping one compartment and pulling out your wedding gift for her, "it's not much but I figured this looks better if it's on you." You hand her the palm-sized object and she lets out a little gasp at what you got her. It's a hair comb adorned with two, white roses and pale rhinestones that glimmer under the spilling light.

Something that would upgrade her sun-kissed beauty on a clear day. You try it on her and step back to picture her with the full ensemble as she walks down the sandy aisle tomorrow. "Good lord, look at you all grown up." You pretend to tear up and she tilts her head back in a burst of laughter, walking to you with welcoming arms and green eyes that are nearly brimming with tears.

"Oh I love it, Y/N! I knew something was missing in the outfit but you've completed it. It's perfect." She mumbles happily against your shoulder and her contentment tickles your insides.

"I'm glad you like it."

After giving you a look of what you'll be wearing tomorrow and a few, friendly  introductions to the rest of the bridesmaids, the bridal shower is where everything is at. Ranging from colorful streamers to champagne to cake strippers, the latter putting you under uneasy situations when you just wished to enjoy your drink and your own space. At the same hour you're enjoying yourselves, on the other side of town is where Rami and the boys are on full swing with his bachelor's party. It has the same vibe, only without the strippers and streamers and constant belly-aching movement.

You just pray none of you will be waking up with hangovers at the hour you'll be fixing yourselves.

And indeed none of you have.

You've all waken up like ladies but clumsily as the realization of the time nudges you out of your beds. Ceremony starts at 9 and you're 5 hours early to ensure that everything progresses smoothly.

It's a condensed hustle within your separate rooms; the pattern of getting ready ever so similar. Shower, makeup, hair, dress, and retouch; all done in complete unison. With all the bridesmaids, including yourself, conditioned outfit-wise, you all gather in Lucy's room to assist in psyching her up for the big day. Her mom's in too to witness every precious second of seeing her daughter fly off on her own.

She's still in her robe but her hair and makeup have been beautifully done by one of her makeup artist friends. She's about to step into her gown, a sight the girls are just dying to see.

"Alright, Lucy. Let me just zip up the back." Says one of the girls who has helped with her makeup as Lucy stands confidently but nervously in front of the mirror, scanning her reflection. You fold your hands together in anticipation, gasping as she turns around slowly with the skirt of the gown gracefully following her turning motion. Her radiance could put the sun's to complete shame.

"Well, say something, girls." She prompts with a chuckle and as expected, it is followed by the uproarious squeal of everyone in the room including yourself. Rami is guaranteed to have his gaze super-glued to Lucy the moment she reveals herself. After having a dozen compliments shower her, you and the rest of the girls retreat outside to give her and her mother a time to talk. As you lean against the door frame, you fish out your phone from your purse and check your messages; coming across your reply to Ben which hasn't received another one from him yet.

You wipe off the downhearted smirk on your expression as the girls' murmurs increase as Lucy steps out holding a bouquet of flowers with her mom on her arm and the edge of her gown lifted by two assistants. She turns her head to find you and crooks her finger at you upon seeing you inclined against the frame, letting you walk by her side.

You notice she's sporting the gift you've given her and the sentimentality makes you want to tear up but in doing so would ruin your makeup and so you decide to save it for the kiss.

You lean in close to her and whisper in a flat but playful tone, your words making her giggle. "Rami's totally getting it."

"I'm not the only one who's getting it today." She winks at you and leaves you questioning what she meant. She made it sound like it's something you have to find out for yourself later on. The weather is fine and not as humid as you thought; the ideal atmosphere to marry under. The bridesmaids are to ride in a separate vehicle that will follow up behind the one Lucy and her mom will be taking. To say that your ride with the the girls to the resort turned out fun and noisy is an understatement; you couldn't be any more conscious about smudging your makeup as you busted your guts laughing at your topics. The driver had given you weirded out looks but you know he was just trying to feign a laugh. By the time you arrive at the resort, a gust of wind from the seaside welcomes you out and nearly messes up your hair though you've put it up in an elegant bun with your tendrils hanging loosely from the sides of your head. You traverse closely behind the rest of the girls and find the venue nearly packed with attendees in their most sophisticated dresses and suits. The altar is set meters away from the shoreline and a red carpet has been rolled out to serve as the aisle between lines of pillars decorated with tropical flowers. A gentle music piece is being played by a violinist and a cellist situated on the left side of the altar with waiters serving some four-seasoned refreshments for the guests to enjoy as they wait.

With all these people around, you can't help but wonder if either Joe or Gwilym made it. You haven't contacted Joe about arriving, given that you wanted to surprise him with your arrival. You peer down at your wristwatch and it's only an hour before the ceremony starts. Rami's nowhere to be seen and you badly want to congratulate him on this, but either way, he's probably attending to some other people and so you put that chance on hold.

As you had wished for yourself to be void of any mishaps today, you bumping into a tall figure as you turn around to walk away deters that possibility and mortifies you for a moment.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry-" You quickly apologize but cease as a familiar face meets your lifting gaze.

"What- Y/N?!"

"J-Joe?!"

"Y/N!"

"Joe!" After shamelessly screaming each other's names, you put no thought into the action of jumping into his arms for a tight hug. He's crushing you in one anyway. "Oh my g- what- when did you arrive, you little sneak? " He exclaims and lets you go for a split second, careful not to ruin your satin outfit. "You're going to murder me for this but yesterday."

His brows furrow in disbelief as his mouth hangs agape. "How dare you not tell me? I mean, I knew Lucy would invite you but...actually how dare you both for not telling me." He whines in a joking manner and you respond with a quick shrug. "Surprise, surprise."

"You sure did and wow," his eyes travel up and down your outfit and you click your tongue at him as he does, pointing your finger to your eyes that are aimlessly roving around his suit in the same manner. "Hey Mazzello, eyes here."

"Hypocrite, eyes here." He mimics your action mockingly and you take eye-rolling to the next level.

"Damn it Joe, I've missed you."

"Missed you too. Been a year but it feels like a decade and you look beautiful, by the way, in that outfit as a bridesmaid." He places his hand on your upper back and leads you into the lounging area that is close to the pool but not far from the event area.

"You don't look so bad yourself for a groomsman. "

"How'd you guess?"

"This is Rami's wedding. I'd know."

You got an hour to talk before you take your positions anyway so catching up would be vital. You settle down on the sofa and fit your talk into the time limit, telling each other about what went on in your lives for the past few months. A lot of interesting stuff has happened to Joe and he's absolutely lively as he talks about it however yours hasn't been much, just adaptation to a new environment and the academic agony. Your talk takes an interesting turn as Joe asks you a question related to something you haven't thought about for a few days.

"Since you're pretty much still on the market, you ever think about...you know."

Your brows crease at him. "What?"

"You know," he lifts his shoulder in a half shrug, "Ben."

"Oh." Is the only thing you can say. The answer is pretty clear, you do think about him but not on a daily basis. He comes across your mind when you've drifted off into oblivion with your thoughts or when something that may remind you of him catches your eye.

"Sometimes I guess. But not as deep as I used to."

"I know you miss him, Y/N, and he misses you too. Believe me, he tells me everytime he calls."

You cast him a short gaze but look back at your fingers, a little comforted by the thought and it motivates you to ask. "Is he still with Rosy?"

Joe scoffs, mildly amused and wholly relieved at the contrary. "That's the good news. He's broken things off with her long ago. Just a day after he regained consciousness."

"Really?" You won't admit it but part of you feels bad for her.

"Yeah and I'm not spoiling you the rest," he rises from his spot on the sofa and reaches out for your hand, pulling you up gracefully. "The thing's about to start." He gestures to the chairs that are beginning to get occupied by the people as the priest arrives. You walk back out alongside him, leaning in to ask out of curiosity. "What do you mean you won't spoil me the rest?"

"You'll see, now go skedaddle to Lucy. She needs her crew." He pats your shoulder with a crooked smile on and you sigh inwardly, waving at him as you divert paths; with you headed to where the rest of the bridesmaids and the bride herself are gathered.

"Gwilym! You're just on time." Spotting Gwilym making his way to join Sami – Rami's brother– at the front row of chairs on the right wing as one of the groomsmen, Joe greets him with a brief hug and takes his place next to him. Sami greets the two men as well, exchanging some remarks before being joined by Ben who had been caught in traffic on his way. "Benny!"

"Ben!"

"Hey, you guys! Am I late? Did I miss the vows?" He asks with a hint of irony as he takes the spot between Gwil and Joe, shaking hands with Sami at the same time. Not a minute longer they are joined by the remaining groomsmen and Rami who has finally garnered up the physical strength to stand on the altar without breaking a sweat.

"You got this, mate. Just don't look down. Your boutonniere looks nice if I might add." Gwilym simultaneously advises and compliments an already nervous Rami hoping to appease him yet earns a quick yet teasing smack from Joe for making a small joke out of the situation. To show them that he's actually better on every possible level, Rami stands tall and rests his hands on his front to exude that confidence and excitement of being minutes away from watching his soon-to-be Mrs. Malek grace the aisle with her presence.

The guests simmer down with their chatters as the first ones who will be walking down the aisle take their positions. The musicians stop playing as they wait for the cue to initiate the main piece in accordance with the first walk.

Among the ones that will be walking before Lucy's big entrance is you and though you'll be joined by your fellow bridesmaids, it somehow just quakes your nerves, tightening your grip around the small bouquet of flowers you've been given as a prop.

You can't understand why you're feeling nervous; you're not the one that's getting married but you just don't know why. The musicians are given the cue and they begin playing a familiar song, something contemporary but heart-achingly romantic.

"You okay?" Asks a fellow bridesmaid and you nod, telling her that you're a bit anxious. She reassures you with a smile and it unknots your tension. The guests and attendees turn their heads towards the threshold of the aisle and the sponsors begin walking down first. Next are some of their relatives, then you– the bridesmaids. There are at least seven of you and you come in fifth. As you begin sauntering down the aisle, you feel relaxed yet piercing eyes trail your movement yet you beg to differ and keep your head up with a mellow smile on your face as you keep your eyes ahead, your unsteady gaze fleeting from the altar and to the groomsmen seated at the front row of the right wing.

Your eyes land on Joe and Gwilym who start giving you bright beams as they notice you in an instant. If you weren't trying to walk sophisticatedly with all these people staring, you would let out the loudest, most awkward giggle. It's nice to see Gwilym again though. Just as you begin turning your unwavering attention away, you take a subtle double take at a certain pair of eyes that has found you long before you found them. You are meters away from reaching your end of the aisle and yet it seems as if you've only started walking with how the music has turned up and how you're exchanging astonished yet longing gapes with Ben who knows he is seconds away from exploding with who he's finally seeing. You're here as a bridesmaid for Lucy and yet ridiculously, you feel like the bride.

Of course he's here. Of course he's one of the groomsmen. Of course Lucy and Joe wouldn't tell you. Of course this is the thing Joe didn't want to spoil about. Why didn't you think about any of this earlier? It would've saved you the shock regardless of it being so obvious.

You gather the strength to break away from the trance you've put yourself in and stand next to the girls, using up all the willpower in your body to avoid risking a peek at the groomsmen– at one groomsman rather. It's the same struggle for Ben who is every bit as stubborn as the next person and does the contrary, going as far as tilting his head to one side just to cop a longer view of you, an action Joe notices and slaps his hand for. Ben winces a bit and gives Joe a questioning look for two reasons.

"Save it." Joe whispers flatly and yet Ben dismisses it and feels his breath hitch in his throat as the sight of you appeases his worries yet makes his heart run a mile. With the ring bearers and flower girls at the edge of their walk, everyone rises up at the reveal of Lucy. The music slows down to fit the pace of her walk with her mother by her side, her eyes finding Rami's and establishing a home in them. You glance at both of them and feel your heart inflate at how strong their love for each other is, something that usually only exists in novels and fiction. Lucy's eyes well with joyful tears as she reaches the altar and her mother finally surrenders her hand to Rami.

It's too much.

With you being too distracted by the spark between Rami and Lucy, you overlook Ben's unbreakable gaze at you. The moment you grew a smile, it invalidated everything else surrounding him.

The priest requests everyone to finally sit down and witness the lifetime commitment blossom. Throughout the ceremony, you can't help but feel his eyes sear through you yet you stand your ground and fix your gaze at the happenings on the altar, briefly failing every once in a while by finding yourself looking back at him. The moment has come for them to exchange their vows and you listen intently at every word sincerely uttered by the two. There are parts in their vows that make the people giggle and tear up at the emotion put into every word expressed. It seems surreal to you that the moment Rami tells Lucy that he's never going anywhere, your gaze meets Ben's and it becomes undeniably bewitching, Rami's words acting as a call back to your promises. As the rings are exchanged and the "I do's" are said, the priest pronounces them husband and wife and you tear your focus away from Ben just in time for Rami and Lucy to share their first kiss as a married couple. Cheers and applauds fill the air and even more tears of joy are shed at the start of their lifetime bond. They both couldn't look any more blissful, with the pair of them giddily flaunting their rings with grins so radiant and bright it undermines the power of the sun upon them.

The cheers and excitement continue at the reception which, of course, is hosted at the very same place. After the ceremony– you, the girls and Lucy took off to the rooms you've booked in the resort for the meantime to change into the appropriate apparel to match the vibe of the venue and even the venue itself. Rami and the boys drove back to their respective hotels to change as well and it was a bit hard for the newly weds to go their separate ways for a few hours just to change clothes. Now that you've all rejoined for the reception, lively doesn't even begin to cut it. It's just like any other wedding reception and like any other wedding reception, it's upbeat, smooth and a little haywire on the egdes. After going through with dinner and a couple of toasts and remarks about the funny side of Rami and Lucy's relationship, the dance floor is open for business. At first glance, the girls take you for someone who is in need of a lot acquainting with the dance floor and they're right; because of that they haul you in themselves and you end up enjoying moving around to the music. You decide to refreshen yourself with a glass of iced tea before returning to your fun. One gulp is all takes to replenish the energy lost and you turn around to head back but freeze in your spot at the sight of Joe with his hand out, asking you for a dance.

"Seriously?" You're not surprised but your brows shoot up in question.

"It's my way of saying 'I need to talk to you'. "

"We can do that outside." You gesture to the vacant space yet Joe insists that he dances with you as you talk. You purse your lips together, letting him take your hand and he pulls you along with him almost too abruptly, eliciting a ticklish squeal from you.

"Don't do that!" You whine as you both settle among the multitude of dancing people. He lowers his head in laughter and twirls you under his arm, drawing you close afterwards. You rest one hand on his shoulder as he holds up the other. "Where's the fun in talking outside now, huh?"

"Alright," you grin ridiculously, spotting Rami and Lucy in each other's arms as they slow dance near the mini stage, looking and feeling at one with the other. "Hey, doesn't it just warm you?" You poke Joe and gesture to the  newlyweds. He peers over at them and hums in a heartwarming way. "Yeah. Man, it's like they're communicating with each other merely through their close-knit heartbeats."

"Speaking of communication," you clear your throat and give him a direct look, " what did you want to talk about?"

He snaps out from gauging at the two and leads you on a gentle sway as he swallows, increasing the volume of his voice just loud enough to cut through the music and for you to hear. "Right. About the thing during the ceremony," you immediately catch on to what he's trying to say and interrupt his next words.

"Okay, thanks for implying, but are you kidding me? Giving me stroke by hiding Ben's attendance?"

"It was for dramatic effect," your eyes flatten puzzlingly at his defense. "What was so dramatic in that besides the awkward... staring?" You know the truth and it really wasn't awkward; in fact it felt like time dilated between you both.

Joe ping-pongs his gaze from one end of the place to the other and back to you. "You paused after 'awkward'. You liked it." The smile on his face teasing you. He's really that sensitive to the nuance of your voice, making it easier for him to figure out how you actually feel about anything.

You evade his prying look and clear your throat, trying to keep up with the transition of the rhythmic music to a slow tune. "So what if I did?" You mumble intentionally.

"Nothing bad. Just Ben wouldn't stop fidgeting in his spot after seeing you. He was this," he makes small jerky movements with his upper body as to imitate Ben's inability to keep still during the ceremony, "antsy and I was this close to losing it."

You snort as you let an explosive laugh overcome you, recollecting yourself shortly as you are flattered by Joe's report. "I felt the same. It took every cell in my body to prevent myself from launching at him honestly."

"I'm glad we sat in separate tables or else neither of you would function like regular...human beings." The grin on Joe's face fades in the same manner as his last words, staring off at a figure approaching from behind you. He regains his voice in a matter of seconds, only with a sly twinkle in his eyes this time.

"You okay?" You ask him, slowly removing your hand from his chest and he nods vigorously, taking position to whirl you off but with a sneaky twist.

"I'm fine. Just... Gwilym wants to dance with you and he's right behind you so I'm going to spin you off to him, sound good?" He lifts your arm up and you shrug in agreement, going with what Joe's planning to do.

"Ally oop!" He twirls you around and releases your hand just in time for you to cling onto a firm frame, giggling at the rush you felt. "Hey Gwil! Good catch, that was a strong spin-" You take a hard pause the second you lift your eyes up with the expectation of meeting Gwilym's sapphire blues, greeting a pair of forest, green orbs instead and it becomes more than what you've bargained for. His veiny arms have caught you with ease and you're sinking, both literally and metaphorically, your arms awkwardly thrown over his shoulders for support.

He helps you regain your balance and smiles the smile you had craved to behold again, breathing out your name like he hasn't said it in a long time. "Y/N, hi."

You find your voice just in time to reply. "Ben...h-hi." He's looking quite good in an all white attire. His white dress shirt is tucked in and has three buttons undone, exposing a lot of his clavicle and a preview of his pecs and the way his white pants just hangs loosely around his legs– you've lost the proper words to describe the sight.

Joe, you crafty asshole.

[krys-loves-otome]

Inspired by Mo's (@xxsycamore) own writing summary, spur of the moment, also decided to include some of my favorite lines and passages (bc some are better as groups rather than single lines with my writing style) from each of the things I've posted this year, limiting to the published works and wip wednesdays, since they were so prominent this year out of previous ones.

So, without further ado, my favorite lines and passages from my fics and wip wednesdays this year!

Fics:

No one has ever said that the life of a detective was ever a glamorous one, especially when a man needed to put food in his belly and a roof over his head. Mitsuhide Akechi was also no stranger to the odd job he didn't care for but needed the cash it provided.

The Traveling Adventures of Mr Fox and Miss Mouse Part 1

Her finger, about to pull away with the remainder of her, soon met with Vincent's warm hand, pulling her back towards his mouth. Her delicate finger met with his tongue as well, his teeth barely scraping her skin. His eyes were dark again.

Happy Birthday, Vincent (NFSW)

Vincent, unbeknownst to his wife and son, had turned his attention to them, a beautifully pen drawing of the two gracing his paper, the tender scene in ink only a pale imitation of the scene before him.

Family Picnic (Spring Showers Spring Flowers Creator Challenge 2023)

Rio took her hand, wanting to kiss it so badly, he quivered. Still, he pressed her knuckles to his forehead, so she wouldn't fully see his face, flushed with a sad smile.

No Time

"You're being astonishingly affectionate towards me in spite of loving someone else, I hope you're aware. You would be making your strange coffee lover jealous, I'm sure."   He pulled her closer, moving her head so it rested more comfortably on his shoulder. "I say that, yet I can't help but feel jealous myself, that someone else holds your heart so tightly instead of me. It's a strange feeling, attendant."

Bittersweet

Mitsuhide blinked in surprise.

"You didn't finish your dinner yesterday because you were helping me. The steward told me when I arrived here this morning." "And I remember telling you I lost my sense of taste ages ago." "Your belly doesn't care about your lack of taste." You pointed your fork at him. "Besides, I can't have my ‘husband’ collapsing from hunger if he's supposed to be protecting me from all the nasty villains that are coming after me. It's the least I can do as your ‘wife’. That’s what you wanted, correct?"

The Travelling Adventures of Mr. Fox and Miss Mouse, Part 2

“I’ll know you put them in.” He nibbled her ear, mewling, “Surely you wouldn’t be so cruel to me? To Licht?  On our birthday?”

Birthday Carrots

He closed his eyes, picturing her perfectly in his mind's eye. Her inquisitive eyes as she watched him paint. The way her hair fell in her face when she was concentrating on something she was working on. Her graceful little hands cupping her belly more and more as she grew with their son. He reached out for her, longing to touch her, unfortunately only finding empty air.

Reaching Out

“Never… able to go back?” Miri’s voice sounded so fragile and tiny, Solomon felt she might break at any second. He stood up, his stool scraping as he wrapped her in his arms, hoping to stop her from falling apart. “None of this is your fault, Miriam,” said Solomon. “We’ll find a way to get back to our time and figure out what this Nightbringer wants with you. We still have the majority of our powers left, remember?” “'We’?” her voice shook, “you mean, you too?!”

Kitchen Talks

His cold hands pressed on her bare belly again, making her jump and shiver. "But, I need to get you a towel…" "Use my shirt." "Vincent-" He touched her again, his normally gentle blue eyes darker with need. "Please."

First Kicks

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WIP Wednesdays

Houki turned around slowly, finding the tall frame of one Masamune Date right behind her, his single bright blue eye striking like lightning. His brows were furrowed, a frown in place where a toothy smirk usually was.

Starvation (Houki)

"You trust me that much now?" he whispered quietly, "I feel honored you feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in my presence… again." He recalled the first time he had taken her to his bed, the scent of alcohol reeking and mostly unpleasant on her, but she still held him so sweetly that night.

Love (Clara)

Vincent's blond head popping out the bus's opening, a few fat droplets hitting his head the only warning he needed to rip his jacket off once more, swinging it like a matador's cape to a figure behind him, a pair of pale legs soon entering Will's sight as Vincent exited with a lithe figure in his arms, her eyes and tender lips lighted with laughter as she tried, once again, to cover his head with his jacket from the pouring rain as he ran at full speed to the closest shelter.

Grey (Abby)

"The pins give it a real dangerous look," Arthur said, rubbing his chin. "Quite sharp. I kinda like it."

No Time (Thea)

"They're cute, aren't they?" Arthur said with a grin. "Holding hands like that. Who knew the bird had it in her." "It's an art show, klootzak." Theo said, "be more respectful." "I am, I am!" Arthur laughed, "This show is great, I think." "The art or watching my broer being seduced?" Arthur laughed harder. He definitely had been hitting the wine a little hard that evening. "Watching you watching your brother and the little dove at his side is the better show, I think."

Nurture (Abby)

It was too soon for any noticeable difference, far too soon. Yet resting her hand there, with her clothes clinging to her, she thought she felt a difference, a spark, something to make this real, to remind her that it was real.

Father (Abby)

Ah, yes, the young one that dear Comte had taken in, he remembered her. Will had informed the pureblood about the newly arrived resident, writing her off as someone unimportant. If not for Will and that he couldn’t sense a drop of vampire blood in her, pure, lesser, or otherwise, he might have thought her a relative of the good Comte with her golden locks. Her stylish clothes also didn't help her resemblance to him, he thought with a chuckle.

Flowers (Abby)

A man in black armor was laying on the floor, unconscious. In most matters, he seemed a handsome man, black hair to match his armor, a tall frame. A general, perhaps? His face was scowling in his ‘rest’. Perhaps he was left to die in the blazing building. Not a comforting thought. Who was this man that would be left to die in such a place?

Introduction (Houki)

“I want answers, Miriam.” said Lucifer. “Who are you, really? Why are you here? Why do you have my Ring of Light?!” Miri winced, trying desperately to uncurl his fingers, struggling for air.

Are You Challenging Me? (Miri)

“Your eyes are wandering again, Monsieur.” Comte, shaken out of his reverie, turned back to the lady at the table as she sipped her lemonade. The lady that was going to be his fiancée, he thought with a sigh.

Perfect Strangers

“You have another life out there, Rio. These… these things prove it! You don’t have to stay for me anymore! You don’t have to be hurt by me anymore!” “Is that really what you think? That you’re hurting me?” “I know you love me! Ever since that summer day… I couldn’t return your love because of these… And now….” Rio rubbed her back, trying his best to calm her. “Does he make you happy?” Clara swallowed, taking in a breath. “Yes.” “Then that’s all that matters to me.”

Abandoned (Clara)

"Actually, I think I want to try another thing."

Turning into him, you move his arms to surround your middle, while your hands found the back of his neck, his eyes lighting with curiosity. After a beat, you sway to one side, Nobunaga quick to catch you, only to be confused as you swayed in the opposite direction, again, moving to correct the both of you. "What is this, Fireball?" "Slow dancing."

Nobububu 2.0

“Hmm… who is the fastest messenger amongst those brothers of yours, Miriam?” Miri could feel her cheeks warming. “Mammon, perhaps? Or maybe Asmodeus?” His hand trailed lower, making her suck in her breath. “No, I think I know who to call.”

Miri and Diavolo snipped

The night air was too warm and sticky for Mitsunari’s liking, feeling his dampened collar against his neck. Hardly a night suitable for sleeping comfortably, he thought. Still half drowsy and bleary-eyed, he turned to Houki, still sound asleep, her long black hair draping over her pillow in various directions. It reminded him of dark watery ink with how it swirled and twisted around her.

Houki and Mitsunari Fictober snippet

"You're remembering it, aren't you, cara mia?" Leonardo whispered in your ear, his voice low and husky.  "How it felt to be so full of us." You shuddered, taking in a sharp breath to try and calm yourself, but failed, feeling Leonardo nuzzle your neck. Comte then stood up, leaning in closer to you, kissing your jaw gingerly, trailing with his lips until he found yours. When he released you with a pop, your lips felt swollen and pink. "I think she needs a reminder, Leonardo. It's been ages, after all."

Sugar and Spice and…? (NSFW)

It's that time again! Time to count up all the words and reflect upon the past year.

And, friends, let me just say I'm really super happy with this years numbers, probably the biggest numbers I've seen in a long time.

This year, I had a new years resolution to post at least 1 writing thing per month, no matter its finished state, thus putting out a lot of WIP Wednesdays this year.

But, along with doing all those WIP Wednesdays, I found I was finishing more writing things this year because of it and... it's kind of amazing to see the progress across this year.

For previous Writing Summaries: 2020 2021 2022

For this year's art summary, click here!

And, as always, my masterlist, to see all my fics in one place!

Now, without further ado, let's crunch some numbers!

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Posted Works to tumblr/ao3: 10

-The Traveling Adventures of Mister Fox and Miss Mouse [IkeSen AU, Mitsuhide x fem!Reader]: 986

-Happy Birthday, Vincent [Ikemen Vampire, Vincent x Abby (OC), NSFW]: 856

-Family Picnic [Ikemen Vampire, Vincent x Abby (OC)]: 1,021

-No Time [Ikemen Prince, Rio x Clara (OC)]: 1,110

-Bittersweet [Obey Me, Lucifer x Miri (OC)]: 1,975

-The Traveling Adventures of Mister Fox and Miss Mouse Part 2 [Ikemen Sengoku, Mitsuhide x fem!Reader]: 2,487

-Birthday Carrots [Ikemen Prince, Nokto x Clara (OC)]: 221

-Reaching Out [Ikemen Vampire, Vincent x Abby (OC)]: 2599

-Kitchen Talks [Obey Me, Solomon & Miri (OC)]: 1,050

-First Kicks [Ikemen Vampire, Vincent x Abby (OC)]: 1,649

Total Word Count on Published Fanfics: 13,954

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Published WIPs (That were written in 2023 or Updated in 2023): 19

-Starvation [IkeSeries OCs; Houki, Abby, Maddie, Clara, Ophelia]: 1,716

-Love [IkeSeries and Obey Me OCs]: 2,449

-Grey [Ikemen Vampire; Shakespeare, Vincent x Abby (OC)]: 391

-No Time [Ikemen Prince, Ikemen Vampire; Rio x Clara, Arthur x Thea (OC)]: 1,012

-Nurture [Ikemen Revolution; Harr x Maddie (OC)]: 588

-Nurture [Ikemen Sengoku, Ikemen Vampire; Houki (OC) x Mitsunari, Ophelia (OC), Theo and Arthur, background Vincent x Abby (OC)]: 2,020

-Father [Ikemen Sengoku, Ikemen Vampire, Ikemen Prince, Obey Me; Houki (OC), Thea (OC) x Arthur x Theo, Vincent x Abby (OC), Clara (OC) & Mr. Akatsuki, Miri (OC) and Lucifer]: 2,375

-Flowers [Ikemen Vampire, Ikemen Revolution, Ikemen Prince; Abby (OC) & Vlad, Maddie (OC) & Loki, Clara (OC) & Silvio]: 1,227

-Introduction [Ikemen Sengoku, Ikemen Vampire, Ikemen Prince; Nobunaga & Houki (OC), Vincent & Abby (OC), Nokto & Clara (OC)]: 1,137

-Are You Challenging Me? [Ikemen Sengoku, Ikemen Vampire, Obey Me; Nobunaga & Houki (OC), Arthur & Isaac & Abby (OC), Lucifer & Miri (with minor appearances of other obey me characters]: 855

-Askbox Trick or Treat [Obey Me; Lucifer]: 254

-Askbox Trick or Treat [Ikemen Sengoku; Mitsuhide]: 157

-Askbox Trick or Treat [Ikemen Sengoku; Masamune]: 373

-Perfect Strangers [Ikemen Vampire; Comte]: 839

-Abandoned [Ikemen Prince, Obey Me; Clara (OC) & Rio, Leviathan & Miri (OC)]: 1,358

-Nobububu 2.0 [Ikemen Sengoku; Nobunaga]: 636

-Diavolo and Miri Snippet [Obey Me; Diavolo x Miri (OC)]: 389

-Unfinished Fictober 2023 Houki and Mitsunari [Ikemen Sengoku; Mitsunari x Houki (OC)]: 216

-Sugar and Spice and…? [Ikemen Vampire; Comte x Leonardo x Preg!Reader, NSFW]: 1,127

Total Word Count on Published WIPs (That were written or updated in 2023): 19,119

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Unpublished WIPs (that were written in 2023): 1

-A Second Glance Part 5: 1,147

Total Word Count on Creative Works for 2023: 34,220

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Essays/Commentary/Asks/Etc: 21

-Ikemen Series Tier List: 225

-Fanfic Writer Asks (Lorei): 371

-Three Characters, One Number Ask (Lorei): 722

-Fic Writer Asks (Lorei): 679

-Fanfic Writer Asks (Emojis, Lorei): 295

-Fanfic Writer Asks (Emojis, Mo): 248

-Let's Get Real Fanfic Writers (Lorei): 396

-Let's Get Real Fanfic Writers Asks (Scummy): 520

-Who Do You Ship Me With (Mo): 82

-Why Do You Follow Me? (Lorei): 512

-Character Opinion (Lorei): 317

-Fanfic Writer Emoji Asks (Mo): 468

-4th Anniversary Questionaire Ikevamp Edition: 1252

-OC Number Asks (Anng): 728

-Send a 💌 and I'll tell you something I love about you (Lorei): 78

-Writer's Truth or Dare (Scummy): 226

-Different Universe, Same Universe 2023 Ask (Julie): 154

-Napo Birthday Asks 1: 160

-What Ideas get completed and posted? (Scummy): 199

-Getting a comment on my old fic: 214

-Uncommon Questions for Your OCs (Houki and Clara, original and my reblog): 799

Total Word Count on Essays, Commentary, Asks, etc: 8645

Total Word Count for 2023: 42,865

Thanks for all the good times this year and I hope we can bring this kind of energy into the new year too!

[hugee0715]

2018

January

2 weeks into the year I cut my hair, probably like 80% of it. Which I quickly regretted. It just seems like every year starts with me doing something to myself, except this one. This January there'll be no surprise, promise.

I also had to decide what schools and courses I wanted to apply to until the 15th. So being the person that I am, at 23:20 on the 14th I submitted all the forms. Earth science, civil engineering or software engineering? I had another 6 month to find out which path my life would take.

February

This photo was taken at around 6 in the morning when I was on my way to a nearby city to take a language certification exam. I was so nervous because I was going into the C1 level right away, basically blindly with no exam experience whatsoever. I remember arriving and meeting 3 other girls who were there for the exam too. We started chatting and they all said that they took the B1 level previously because their teacher advised them. One has already failed, this was her second time. One was there with a whole book of exercises. They all looked so prepared and for a moment I panicked. If I were to fail that day, I'd have had 40 less points for my university application. And a lost bet with my girlfriend. But I didn't fail neither of those.

I also got my girl into MBTI that month, which quickly became the new astrology of our relationship. ENFP-INTP pairing. Cute, huh?

March

This was the month where I kind of chilled down for a moment. It was totally unjustifiable but I still did, thinking I've got plenty of time still till exams would start. I was going to school, doing some small preparations but nothing major.

April

Now this was the month where I regretted all the laziness back in March. My days were counted and I know that makes it sound like I was about to be executed but that's exactly how I felt.

On top of that, in the middle of the month my mum got hospitalized suddenly. It was supposed to be just a check but they didn't let her leave after it. My days were spent with visiting her instead of going to school. She scared us shitless but slowly she started getting better with each day and by the second week she was already coming home.

May

Oh May. I had graduation right at the beginning of the month and 2 days later my week of exams started. A peaceful image of my table right before maths exam. 20 minutes later it wasn't as peaceful anymore.

School ended for good and we had a monthish time before the second part of it all, which are the oral exams.

June

So many papers, hundreds of pages littered everywhere. Stress, overthinking, contemplating why I even applied for software engineering when I was so sure I'd fail the comsci exam, procrastinating, some self pity and over all panic.

One of the exceptions was this day, my mum's work did a little event. They work with old people, helping handicapped elders. A school building full of people who long left the classrooms, doing all kinds of crafts, little games and even some shooting outside. We sat around painting on glass, doing things we probably haven't done together in like a decade.

29 out of 50 so be careful, sharp shooter right here.

July

The 25th came around and at 20:00 sharp the point limits went live. The website instantly crashed by the tens of thousands of people and my blood was loudly rushing inside my head. Once it finally let me in I was scanning through the names of the different universities, then different faculties and lastly the different courses. Earth science. 290. Less than the previous years. A lot less actually. I got into the place I wanted to so badly. I got in by a ridiculous amount of points.

August

An accidental snapshot of my feet while I am having a mediocre melt down in the middle of a bridge over the Danube. The morning started horrendously, I left my student ID at home but I only realized it on the train. Which meant I couldn't buy discounted tickets but I didn't have enough money for the full price ones. So I called mum who called a friend who has a car that they have to come to the city with my ID within 20 minutes because if I miss the train I'll be late and won't be able to enroll to uni. That got solved last minute when they arrived 4 minutes before the train left, which then arrived to Budapest an hour late, the tram was out of service so I took one of the replacement busses but they only went till the Pest end of Petőfi bridge. Which meant I had to walk over when I was already running late so we could very well say that I was done at this point with life and everything.

September

With this picture we can confirm that I wasn't late for enrollment. This is the place most of my days are spent at. The days leading up to me having to move were filled with a weird type of anxiety. It wasn't the kind I was familiar with, it wasn't as scary. As consuming, as toxic. It was kind of exciting, like the feeling you get before getting on a roller coaster. My girl made it feel like that, the security of having her. If there's one good thing about LDR then it's the fact that I can literally have her anywhere with me and it feels like not much has changed. The calmness that this gave me was beyond understandable. I still had her, so there was no need to panic.

Of course it was still a little challenging, the whole change in our schedules and although it sometimes got a little frustrating, she was understanding and I need to thank her for being my safe spot, for making me so brave when I used to be so scared. Without her I would have never been able to do this and she knows that.

October

This is my view everyday when I go to work and back home. A city of so much magic and beauty and also a city that I can't wait to share with my love.

We had our first anniversary. A whole year of being together. I got off of work just in time before it turned midnight in the Philippines. I had a bag of cookies I made the previous day to show, cute, heart shaped ones. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal way or how I imagined it but the meaning behind it is still the same. A year of loving eachother, slowly changing, slowly realizing who we truly are as a team.

November

I made that! My job's description would most likely be miscellaneous. I stand at the counter, make coffee, help customers, sometimes clean or go to the post office, I'm responsible for the paper bags and cups, but on the weekends, I bake. I spend all my Sundays there quietly doing my job. Cookies, pies and as it was getting closer to Christmas gingerbread as well. I had the most tiring days, one time I spent 12 hours there building 6 of these trees and around another 400 of normal figures. My hands got inflamed by the end of the night because of all the icing I had to squeeze out. But nonetheless this is a good first job. I get to learn around really nice and helpful people. Not even mentioning all the free food I get.

December

A happy girl living a more challenging life than ever but still enjoying it like it's nothing.

Decembers are nice. I think back to all the things that happened this year and how different they were compared to last year. I was whining for 66.66666% of the 2017 post. And for the 2018 one all I can think about are the good good things that happened. None of the bad matters. I had one of the worst and one of the best years of my life after one another. No doubt about that.

So yeah,

2018 was a year that will truly be missed. I loved it. But no need to mourn anything because 2019 will give me even more things to write about at the beggining of 2020. Not to even mention 2021. This is far from the end.

[celisgettacos]

I'm going to post this because maybe someone will hear this over words unspoken, my name is Billy Strange and I still wake up each morning picking up the next piece, I've almost taken my life more then I can count on both hands, from a high school sweet heart marriage of 9 years turned bloody and a custody battle that went from healthy to sadistic over a span of 3 years and 20k, and it was the words from a man I barely knew for no more then 6 months, that has saved me

I see and talk to so many fathers who tell me their story and I so badly want to tell them just to listen to what I'm telling you, I can get you out of this if you just let me a stranger walk with you through it... It never works out that easy but I don't give up and I hope you all read these words and share them to those who may hear it better from the words written by their brother in arms.. any way

I look back for those 2 years I was there and remember pushing anyone close to me as far away as possible so that they didn't have to feel the initial pain or try to stop me, all because I felt like I let them all down...

The only people I kept around me were strangers because I wanted to know if they seen me as a failure not even knowing me.... It was because of that, and them being completely honest about why it was only me that maybe it wasn't meant to be,

(A Satanist told me this and I'll never forget it, it was his words that allowed me to get this far) he is not one for recognition so I won't label him.

"did you ever think that your trying so hard to hold up a world that has fallen all around you...

Maybe you are on the right path and you are only focusing on the things that have already broken, and don't realize that all you have to do is look down at each piece, see it and learn why it was so important to you and then glue it to that small piece you are still holding above you, then go to the next and keep going until each piece has shown you just how strong it actually made you to make it to someone who seen your strength, and can see you just forgot what gave you that strength.

It will hurt, it will make you hate the way you handled certain things, it will cause you to try to give up,

but because you made it a task to see each piece, and put it all back up, you will never allow yourself to give up, or find a rope, until you complete your task, because thats the person you are...

But you have to understand that it may have taken you 5 years to build that first world you now see broken below you, it will take far longer to rebuild it stronger, because you will also rebuild yourself with each piece, and you have to remember to let each piece's glue dry before placing the other or else you will watch it become to stressful and not understand why you think you are doing the right thing but it keeps falling....

Learn each piece then let it hurt, while you hold it in place to dry, let it consume your mind and play it over and over like a movie each piece until it dries, then heal, smile before you look back down for that next piece, and don't ever be scared to place even those bad things you did when not everyone was watching back into your rebuild, because without each piece it will be to weak and fall apart down the road when everything seemed good.

Basically you have to accept that you are on a dark road but to learn to see in the dark it will allow you to navigate later in life when you see a person on that same road and they ask for help.. Don't ever forget how you felt because they may have absolutely no one and will you want to be the one who pretends like you didn't see it. Anyway that being said stop mopping and let's go handle business "

The next section is a completely separate chapter from above but I feel maybe can help...

I want to add to this 4 years from that being told to me and experiencing it in real life, that sometimes you will still find yourself in a sort of limbo period I've managed to pin mine down to about every 8 months, if for some reason I didn't accomplish a goal I set prior and it feels like no matter what I do or try I can't for some reason figure it out, those are the moments you need to find a person you trust your life with because those will be the moments you will try anything to get you out of that mentality because we want to feel that we are moving forward no matter the speed, but to feel stuck and not being able to see a way out or that lost piece that you know is there it's just probably hidden under some of your other pieces..we feel like Maybe just for a moment let whatever is causing you to panic, whether it's rent, a car that is broke and no money and work tomorrow, or you've been jobless for 3 months now and even with all the resumes submitted nothing is available and winter is a cold time to be homeless with no job, or maybe you still haven't got a place to stay so that you can have your children stay with you finally, whatever it is the worst thing that can happen is what you silently keep fighting to not take over,

I just want this fight to stop for one night, I just want all this stress to burry itself tonight so I can try to breathe... What that really means is I'm going to go back to those bad habits I had because it always quieted those fights in my head and if I can just do that I will have a clear mind to find a solution..

I will tell you from experience that once you reach that moment nothing but a person of trust will stop you from taking that hit, or drinking those shots, calling that sexual excitement, spending the money you don't have on the gambling machines, going out on the town with the sole purpose of getting wasted, because we truly believe that we are better prepared to control our vices, we will stop at our limit, what we never realize is that we allowed those vices to retake control by thinking you needed it to breathe.

What will ultimately usually happen is a night of uncontrolled guilt, constant war inside yourself, conscious tears filling up your emotional warhead..

all night this rage of self doubt quietly destroying your confidence, causing you to go right on past that limit of 2 shots, or just one line, or I'll only put 20 bucks in the slots, or I will just flirt I won't allow it to go past that,

because that fight is still loud and now more painful, because you know deep down that you allowed yourself to fall and laying there helpless...I cringe even writing these next words because it's so easy to reach this point of thinking that;

"obviously we were just meant to fail"

"why not right, "

"who really cares if I fail there's, no one here to stop me right..."

"So why should I have to carry this pain all the damn time, why is it so fucking easy for everyone else..."

And that's it...

(Those of you who are reading this and may be in this exact moment please, look at that image that you always hold in your mind of your child's eyes, look at that past moment when you and your daughter would lay under the stars with her head on your shoulder watching the magical pink elephant jump through a black sky as she explains how much she loves you and talks about anything and everything that her imagination creates under that massive sky where imagination always comes to life.... Feel her heart as she paints her masterpiece and ask you to help with the flowers over there by the big dipper so the elephant has something to give her mom,

please don't let your moment die because you have no more left, and no one in your face to help you, please call me I don't know you but I will before we hang up and I won't let you fail the only mission that will keep your children's smile alive for another year because you didn't let yourself fall.)

Cont. - don't Wake up the next day or still awake 12 hours later after all those "friends" left you to sit with your own guilt... Oh yeah, that guilt is now yelling loudly inside your entire soul, as it launches that emotional warhead of tears, oh yeah those evil people why did they let me do this....

Why did they... Urrrghhhhh why did I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,... DO this I can't believe I went back to what destroyed me and actually talked myself into believing this was going to help me....

It's in those tears and self reflection comes a choice that is now forced on you, oh hold that thought your friend from last night is calling, and they want to know if you want to continue this "unhealthy" adventure..

You either respond with a yes and have accepted that you have lost your control, and most times it will set you back 3-6 months or until your money runs out or those "friends" hurt you. And then you realize that all you did was take on more hurt and more pain and that's a scenario that will most likely continue to lead to occasional loss of all reality until you find that piece of your life that you keep looking over and afraid to pick up, and will cause your life to end up in constant downfalls until addressed.

Or you will have addressed that guilt and conquer a small war by not answering, because you are very In tune with accepting responsibility and able to understand that you could have destroyed your life, someone else's life, and now you know that you still are not able to control those periods of limbo when nothing is working. So accept responsibility for any loses you may have encountered, like a drug test at work, or a piece of your dignity, or people you thought were friends...

The first step from that is to immediately have the talk with that person you know will hold you accountable during those periods, 9 out of 10 times that person is who you looked up to as a child whether it's your mom, dad, grandparent, or sibling, for me it was my grandmother.. The moment you can go to them honestly no matter what it was that you did the night before, you have to let them know what that is, you have to be able to openly label the thing that will destroy you, and let them know how important they are to your strength, those tears from that conversation will build a mountain of motivation inside of you... Usually sparking that jolt to get you over that limbo...

Some people can afford to pay those people to help them, for the rest of us we have each other so that's my little piece of advice I hope it helps someone

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.