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celisgettacos · 4 years ago

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I'm going to post this because maybe someone will hear this over words unspoken, my name is Billy Strange and I still wake up each morning picking up the next piece, I've almost taken my life more then I can count on both hands, from a high school sweet heart marriage of 9 years turned bloody and a custody battle that went from healthy to sadistic over a span of 3 years and 20k, and it was the words from a man I barely knew for no more then 6 months, that has saved me

I see and talk to so many fathers who tell me their story and I so badly want to tell them just to listen to what I'm telling you, I can get you out of this if you just let me a stranger walk with you through it... It never works out that easy but I don't give up and I hope you all read these words and share them to those who may hear it better from the words written by their brother in arms.. any way

I look back for those 2 years I was there and remember pushing anyone close to me as far away as possible so that they didn't have to feel the initial pain or try to stop me, all because I felt like I let them all down...

The only people I kept around me were strangers because I wanted to know if they seen me as a failure not even knowing me.... It was because of that, and them being completely honest about why it was only me that maybe it wasn't meant to be,

(A Satanist told me this and I'll never forget it, it was his words that allowed me to get this far) he is not one for recognition so I won't label him.

"did you ever think that your trying so hard to hold up a world that has fallen all around you...

Maybe you are on the right path and you are only focusing on the things that have already broken, and don't realize that all you have to do is look down at each piece, see it and learn why it was so important to you and then glue it to that small piece you are still holding above you, then go to the next and keep going until each piece has shown you just how strong it actually made you to make it to someone who seen your strength, and can see you just forgot what gave you that strength.

It will hurt, it will make you hate the way you handled certain things, it will cause you to try to give up,

but because you made it a task to see each piece, and put it all back up, you will never allow yourself to give up, or find a rope, until you complete your task, because thats the person you are...

But you have to understand that it may have taken you 5 years to build that first world you now see broken below you, it will take far longer to rebuild it stronger, because you will also rebuild yourself with each piece, and you have to remember to let each piece's glue dry before placing the other or else you will watch it become to stressful and not understand why you think you are doing the right thing but it keeps falling....

Learn each piece then let it hurt, while you hold it in place to dry, let it consume your mind and play it over and over like a movie each piece until it dries, then heal, smile before you look back down for that next piece, and don't ever be scared to place even those bad things you did when not everyone was watching back into your rebuild, because without each piece it will be to weak and fall apart down the road when everything seemed good.

Basically you have to accept that you are on a dark road but to learn to see in the dark it will allow you to navigate later in life when you see a person on that same road and they ask for help.. Don't ever forget how you felt because they may have absolutely no one and will you want to be the one who pretends like you didn't see it. Anyway that being said stop mopping and let's go handle business "

The next section is a completely separate chapter from above but I feel maybe can help...

I want to add to this 4 years from that being told to me and experiencing it in real life, that sometimes you will still find yourself in a sort of limbo period I've managed to pin mine down to about every 8 months, if for some reason I didn't accomplish a goal I set prior and it feels like no matter what I do or try I can't for some reason figure it out, those are the moments you need to find a person you trust your life with because those will be the moments you will try anything to get you out of that mentality because we want to feel that we are moving forward no matter the speed, but to feel stuck and not being able to see a way out or that lost piece that you know is there it's just probably hidden under some of your other pieces..we feel like Maybe just for a moment let whatever is causing you to panic, whether it's rent, a car that is broke and no money and work tomorrow, or you've been jobless for 3 months now and even with all the resumes submitted nothing is available and winter is a cold time to be homeless with no job, or maybe you still haven't got a place to stay so that you can have your children stay with you finally, whatever it is the worst thing that can happen is what you silently keep fighting to not take over,

I just want this fight to stop for one night, I just want all this stress to burry itself tonight so I can try to breathe... What that really means is I'm going to go back to those bad habits I had because it always quieted those fights in my head and if I can just do that I will have a clear mind to find a solution..

I will tell you from experience that once you reach that moment nothing but a person of trust will stop you from taking that hit, or drinking those shots, calling that sexual excitement, spending the money you don't have on the gambling machines, going out on the town with the sole purpose of getting wasted, because we truly believe that we are better prepared to control our vices, we will stop at our limit, what we never realize is that we allowed those vices to retake control by thinking you needed it to breathe.

What will ultimately usually happen is a night of uncontrolled guilt, constant war inside yourself, conscious tears filling up your emotional warhead..

all night this rage of self doubt quietly destroying your confidence, causing you to go right on past that limit of 2 shots, or just one line, or I'll only put 20 bucks in the slots, or I will just flirt I won't allow it to go past that,

because that fight is still loud and now more painful, because you know deep down that you allowed yourself to fall and laying there helpless...I cringe even writing these next words because it's so easy to reach this point of thinking that;

"obviously we were just meant to fail"

"why not right, "

"who really cares if I fail there's, no one here to stop me right..."

"So why should I have to carry this pain all the damn time, why is it so fucking easy for everyone else..."

And that's it...

(Those of you who are reading this and may be in this exact moment please, look at that image that you always hold in your mind of your child's eyes, look at that past moment when you and your daughter would lay under the stars with her head on your shoulder watching the magical pink elephant jump through a black sky as she explains how much she loves you and talks about anything and everything that her imagination creates under that massive sky where imagination always comes to life.... Feel her heart as she paints her masterpiece and ask you to help with the flowers over there by the big dipper so the elephant has something to give her mom,

please don't let your moment die because you have no more left, and no one in your face to help you, please call me I don't know you but I will before we hang up and I won't let you fail the only mission that will keep your children's smile alive for another year because you didn't let yourself fall.)

Cont. - don't Wake up the next day or still awake 12 hours later after all those "friends" left you to sit with your own guilt... Oh yeah, that guilt is now yelling loudly inside your entire soul, as it launches that emotional warhead of tears, oh yeah those evil people why did they let me do this....

Why did they... Urrrghhhhh why did I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,... DO this I can't believe I went back to what destroyed me and actually talked myself into believing this was going to help me....

It's in those tears and self reflection comes a choice that is now forced on you, oh hold that thought your friend from last night is calling, and they want to know if you want to continue this "unhealthy" adventure..

You either respond with a yes and have accepted that you have lost your control, and most times it will set you back 3-6 months or until your money runs out or those "friends" hurt you. And then you realize that all you did was take on more hurt and more pain and that's a scenario that will most likely continue to lead to occasional loss of all reality until you find that piece of your life that you keep looking over and afraid to pick up, and will cause your life to end up in constant downfalls until addressed.

Or you will have addressed that guilt and conquer a small war by not answering, because you are very In tune with accepting responsibility and able to understand that you could have destroyed your life, someone else's life, and now you know that you still are not able to control those periods of limbo when nothing is working. So accept responsibility for any loses you may have encountered, like a drug test at work, or a piece of your dignity, or people you thought were friends...

The first step from that is to immediately have the talk with that person you know will hold you accountable during those periods, 9 out of 10 times that person is who you looked up to as a child whether it's your mom, dad, grandparent, or sibling, for me it was my grandmother.. The moment you can go to them honestly no matter what it was that you did the night before, you have to let them know what that is, you have to be able to openly label the thing that will destroy you, and let them know how important they are to your strength, those tears from that conversation will build a mountain of motivation inside of you... Usually sparking that jolt to get you over that limbo...

Some people can afford to pay those people to help them, for the rest of us we have each other so that's my little piece of advice I hope it helps someone

#mentally ill #mentalwellness #mental instability #mental awareness #2020 #mental illness #Spotify

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celisgettacos · 6 years ago

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Fog, 66°F

215 Royal Dr, Georgetown, TX 78626, USA

Was a somewhat hopeful day and night, I reposted an ad on Facebook for a job application for others to work for Father's For Custody. And right out the gate I have 12 applicants, so set scheduled meetings for all of them yesterday, for today. Then spent all night adding to website some more companies, I also then designed and got ready the employee enrollment package. So I have 1099w's for commission pay, they will all be paid 80% and fathers for custody will receive 20% of each of their sales.

I expect to have them doing 80% of the work as a show to their community and to my massive committed vision to show the world that Fathers For Custody, doesn't want your money. We are giving you as a community the money as long as you help each other. I finished the ByLaws, and the Articles of Incorporation, I wrote the employment Application, and Designed the Employee Handbooks. The interviews started this morning and packages already being sent out. So it's time to start spreading. I'm still hungry still have no money, hoping to get a bike today and try to find some clothes, I've been wearing the same thing for 5 days. Get a shower and dry my shoes. I'm trying baby girls, I ain't giving up, I still have breath in my lungs and i will not give up untill that ladt breath leaves, even though the last few posts seemed bad, it's just how it is. when GOD told me to sacrifice everything, I had already been through the worst pain and then to fully let go for GOD was the knife through my heart, but I hope one day you both fully understand the truth about sacrifice, the power to heal all that you hurt as long as GOD shows you first why you have been chosen. I was chosen because no matter how painful anything is, nothing in this world can hurt as much as death from a broken heart, from watching a mother steal you and hide you both from my life after giving you both the love of my deepest heart, more then I have ever shown anyone in this world. I am already dead until my mission is complete, and in those days

GOD will give me back my hearts one desire. GOD will give me back the only thing that keeps me alive with no food, no jacket, no water. My pain tolerance is the strongest in the world.

GOD put his Armour on me as we ride side by side, he leads me and I have established enough discipline to follow, and he knows that when it's my time to take over he gets rest, nights like tonight he rested and allowed me to fight. Other nights while I'm weak and trying to find a way out he is fighting. He builds a mindset for me to rest on knowing that I will be there every time when it's time. Because I'm coming for what I love, but I must obey and learn from our FATHER before my day of rest. Before true everlasting peace is given, you must discipline, learn pain, sacrifice everything, and wait for GODS word. When he sees you are truly ready then.

Oh man I would love to see the battle he has for you two, Trinity and Daisy. But the road to glory is narrow and the gates to heaven are small, only a few will walk beside GOD as the Warriors, as the Savior's of Love, as the strongest of the Angels. I pray we walk together up there, I pray that we will lay on the clouds again and let me hear your stories, I pray that you find that love in your heart to hurt so bad that you sacrifice your life to protect the people that are being hurt, the children of no fathers, the families of no food, the animals that fall to bullets, the oceans of toxic waste, whatever the mission I will be there above you watching and protecting you as you too fall weak. Good luck girls and GOD SPEED

#fail #dont #understand #die #feel #pain #the #suffering #then #rebirth #for #future

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