#i want to want normal things but ive also spent a life reclaiming being a little freak so which one wins am i ignoring self reflection

[youve-always-had-me-cas]

[eleven deleted draft vents later] dae asexuality kinda fuckin weird

[necroromantics]

Properly addressing the drama

For the millionth time (The tone on this entire post is lighthearted and not mad)

I'm gonna start this off by saying that I have made multiple posts apologizing for my past actions, and acknowledging the harm I have caused in the past. I have apologized sorta- directly to Void (my friend sent my apology to them cuz Void didnt want me to contact them which I respected). I know I bring up my ASPD a lot, but please try to understand that personality disorders are dysfunctional behaviours ingrained into someones way of thinking/acting. I never want to excuse my bad behaviour, which is why I am fully open to hearing the others side. I do fully acknowledge that the jokes I made a year ago were in very bad taste now. At the time, I was very deep into drug addiction, in communities that encouraged my bad behaviour, and I grew up with people who held very discriminatory beliefs. This is my explanation for why I made those jokes. I'm trying to explain how my brain works, because it very clearly doesn't work how "normal people"'s brains do, which is why I was diagnosed in the first place. I understand my behaviour was harmful and incorrect, I take full accountability for what I have done, and I am slowly learning how to combat these habits and mindsets that I have grown up with. Its just very hard to do so when these things are heavily ingrained into me, and Im constantly bombarded with drama and being dehumanized and treated like a problem rather than a person. This is the ableism I have faced my entire life, and it follows here too.

I have mental disabilities of my own (very severe ADHD), I have been bullied a lot growing up for it, and also why I actively reclaim the R slur. But I grew up around people who would make fun of me, and people like me, and the way my brain works is that I'm not able to empathize or feel bad for people struggling with things like disabilities or whatnot. At the time, I didn't acknowledge that it was wrong, because to me that was normal and ok. I know now that it's not, and I'm in a place where (for the most part) I am able to try and consider right/wrong.

I do apologize if my tone in my posts or anything has come off as hostile or aggressive. I have a bad habit of that because of my hyperactivity where I speak faster and louder than I can control, which reflects into my tone in text. I have said numerous times that I'm not interested in fighting with minors. My intention was never to cause drama, but to defend my name against people making posts on me, which I have every right to do after they have spent 5 months straight constantly stalking and harassing me.

I do understand that they are all minors. In the past, they got mad at me for not wanting to interact with them due to their age. So it doesn't make sense that they're pulling the age card now. I swear from the bottom of my heart that I am not interested in any of this drama. Ive said it before, but I dont expect forgiveness or people to like me. All I want is to be left alone, and given space to continue my recovery for my mental health issues.

The reason why I bring up their ableism towards me isn't because I want to play victim, or to turn away from what I have done, or use it as an excuse. I take full accountability for what I have done, and talking about my ASPD is my way of explaining why I may think, talk, or act in certain ways. I have been very open about my ASPD from the beginning of this account, and on Discord. My issue is the fact I am being harassed, and have been for nearly half a year now even though I have long cut contact and blocked all of them, because I have "no morality", and I lack empathy. I think that is entirely dehumanizing and stimatizing towards people, not just me, who suffer from these things. If I am expected to take accountability for my ableism, which I have been, then I expect the same from these people as well.

I have screenshots where these people have talked about "cancelling" me on Tumblr way back in January. I have screenshots of death threats, and inappropriate things they have said about me. I understand they are all minors, but my ASPD doesn't excuse my bad behaviour, and their age doesn't excuse theirs.

This was never about caring about those effected by the jokes I made. These people have a long history of trying to cause drama for the sake of drama, and they have tried to do it with another big creator who I wont name. Also my DMs are open if anyone has any concerns, or wants to communicate about this maturely, I've always wished them well and hoped they would find peace and happiness in their lives as I have been trying in mine. Constant thriving off of drama is not good for anyone. Ive stated in the past Im not interested in that. I would like to move on from things that happened half a year to a year ago.

I have already been contacted by those who were involved in the January drama to get on better terms, which I very much appreciate.

I do not have the time or energy to cause unnecessary beef with random kids online. I have kept entirely to myself about this until they made a very public "call out post" about me where I do appreciate them showing me what I still needed to acknowledge and own up to in my past, but they cropped screenshots, not shown context, twisted stories, and have lied about me publicly on other things. My posts have only been about clearing my name and sharing my side. My only concern is telling my side. Anyone else would do the same with the things they have been saying.

I wish them all well wholeheartedly, and I want to make it clear I'm not mad, though I will admit I was for a bit there which is understandable when I have reached a tipping point after 5 months or so of non-stop harassment that I have tried my best to ignore.

I never cared to take any of this too seriously because it's the internet, and I know more than anyone who I am, what I believe, and how hard I'm working. No one else can speak on that, because none of you know me, really. But I have seen how they have insulted people who have nothing to do with the drama, calling someone a 'freak', flooding someones comments on a completely unrelated video, harassing random people in their DMs simply for being in my server. Many people of these are minors. I'm not going to let them do that to random, innocent people. That is entirely unfair how I am not allowed to say a slur I can reclaim, but they are allowed to go out of their way to bully innocent people who have nothing to do with me.

Thats where my issue lies. Thats what makes me upset. I'm a grown man, I have a life, I can defend myself and speak on my own issues. I've said many many times I don't want anyone to involve themselves in the drama, because honestly I think its a waste of time. If they truly cared about what they say they do, they would reach out to me, and we can talk maturely about it as I have done with some people previously associated with them.

I'm not asking for forgiveness, or for people to defend me, or take my side, or anything. All I am asking is that you stop stalking and harassing me, let me live my life in peace as Ive been trying to do, and please leave people alone who have nothing to do with this situation, and that includes my friends. I'm sure none of us want this to continue. Thank you.

(Also, I wanted to add onto the ASPD aspect of this cuz Ive been bringing it up a lot and I wanted to make it clear why. The way my brain works due to my mental health conditions is that I don't have the same emotional responses to words and others problems as most people do. Theres many studies on this, you can read up on it. When I hear certain topics, or words, or phrases, I'm unable to respond with the appropriate emotions and in all honesty it rarely ever bothers me, because I'm unable to empathize with those effected for the most part. I have a very strict moral code, but it's not the same as most people have due to this. I am learning how to combat this, because it causes issues like this. To me, saying hateful things is not the same as believing or doing it. Which I fully understand isn't the way most people see it, and I'm taking steps to unlearn this view. Of course my behaviour and views are going to be socially unacceptable, that is the entire premise of the disorder. Pleaaaase understand that when you berate and dehumanize me for that, youre berating and dehumanizing people with ASPD in general. There are many many other people out there who deal with the same things I do. What also bothered me was the obvious fakeclaiming in the comments of the post, when I have always been open about my diagnosis. I was diagnosed when I turned 18 in a forensic setting and my father has it as well. I have talked countless times about it. Thank you for all who understand.)

[ohkimani]

y’all mind if i....?

that “venting” thing i need to do every now and then...and usually in the middle of the night.

it’s been a while since i’ve self reflected and i think this point in time is as good as any. after having long and incredibly insightful conversations with two of my cousins this weekend while visiting home, i’ve learned a lot about myself. speaking to dawn the other night showed me that not everything has to be in line or planned right off the bat. it made me realize that i might want to take some time and do community work like volunteering during the beginnings of my career. i’ve always wanted to work with the arts and making people less afraid of expressing themselves through visual art because it’s a fantastic way to put the mind at ease. 

i also talked to dana (dawn’s sister/my cousin). during our talk she constantly stressed the importance in finding “my happy place” and i’ve always had people tell me that but it seemed....different coming from her. some days i feel like i don’t have a real passion. my mom doesn’t realize it but she has kind of always stressed to me that a hobby is a waste of time if you cant profit off of it. what’s the point of loving something if it cant pay your bills. that’s always stressed me out and it’s probably one of the main reasons i’m always up at night. as an artist to the core of me, i know that in a perfect world, all shit aside, i want to make art and make people happy. simultaneously or exclusively, those are my ultimate goals...biggest my dreams. i make art because i love it first. that is always first.

 if i tell my mom “i’ve been painting and listening to music all day” her first question is always something along the lines of “did someone commission it? how much are they paying you?” and i don’t want to explain to her that i needed to take a day to isolate and paint because i had spent the previous week crying day and night or not sleeping and eating and i NEEDED this. and that’s the base of it all. i love it when people love my work and i appreciate it when they buy it from me but art is, essentially, my ultimate purpose. that is what i know i was made to do. 

but one thing dana did make me realize was that it was okay for taylor’s music to be my happy place. people judge so much. they don’t understand having that much appreciation for another person and what they have helped you through, even if they aren’t aware of it. when people bring up taylor’s music or let me talk about her music (or any music for that matter) without dismissing the joy it brings me, i feel....alive. and that’s so rare for me. not many people know this but im more numb than i am ‘living’. i focus so much on making everyone else happy because i stopped feeling anything months ago. 

months ago when i would wake up every morning and cry just because i woke up....again. when having a breakdown and isolating, not to be heard from for days, was completely normal. when i lied about how my mirror broke because i didn’t want to worry anyone about how i was really doing, even when i acted like i was on top of the world. 

but at the end of it all, there was always the same thing that would bring me back to where i should be and that would be taylor’s music or even just re-reading my own experience with her. it reminds me that i’m not the terrible person i make myself out to be....to myself. it reminds me that i have felt happiness before and i can feel it again. and i have! 

the combination of taylor being back, being able to connect with my family like never before after years of being the black sheep and having the most wonderful boy in my life just makes everything so much better. taylor having to close herself off the way she has is absolutely horrible, but the act itself is so inspiring. she is reclaiming possession of her being and her happiness. i want to do that. i want to be able to take my life and my happiness back because it’s MINE and I DESERVE THAT. 

every night mowgli makes it a point to ask me “what would make you happy right now?”. some nights it’s something small and meaningless like “i’d love a cup of strawberries” and some nights it’s things like being with him or knowing if everything will be okay in the end. but it didn’t dawn on me until last night when he told me he loved me for the first time that he asks me that to be sure i still know what happiness is. all he ever wants for me is to be happy and that’s so far off of what ive known of relationships in the past. we’ve been through so much in this year and we’re still learning about each other but there is not a doubt in my mind that i wouldn’t go through it all again.

i would go through the days of brutal silence

i would hear nothing but his soft breathing in my ear again

i would throw my phone again

i would laugh until my throat hurt again

i would have 50 million more awkward moments over and over again if it meant i got to have them all with him.

but overall, im not sure where im at right now. it feels like something big is going to happen and it’s brewing in the distance. it’s not this hurricane. it’s not this album. it’s not the start of my senior year. no....i think it’s something much bigger than all of that and even though some days im too afraid to face it and id rather face death itself, i know it’s coming.