#i want to ramble so BAD but i think this is officially the most niche thing ive ever liked

[monkiinart]

Hercules and Ram

[stardustcleaningguy]

malevolent enjoyers !!!!!!!!! i have propaganda to spread !!!!!!!

the way i perceive mr john doe malevolent (and by extension, yellow/kiy) is HEAVILY influenced by One Of The Best Mangas Of All Time: the girl from the other side, not only bc the designs in it are like cool as fuck but also the fact that teacher/albert’s story resonates a LOT w johns character ..

design-wise, i have always envisioned the king in yellow to look similar to the outsider who touched shiva, this is nothing plot-wise i just think this design really felt similar to my vision for the king:

whereas john looks more like teacher, with a more ‘alive’ look to him - his eyes have light, he moves and talks and feels like a human,, and the skull that makes up his head is INCOMPLETE, he is a missing part of a whole:

now, story-wise they share similarities/themes that are VERY important to their characters, such as:

- not remembering who they are/where for a portion of their stories

- trying/wanting to be human, despite being considered ‘inhuman’ or even ‘monstrous’ by other characters

- finding their purpose and humanity through love for another person (and those bonds being platonic/familial rather than romantic)

- (re)gaining their sense of identity

- wanting to save/protect those that they love, even going to extreme lengths to do so

among others, im too tired rn to go on a full rant but there are definitely other similarities between their stories (as well as differences, obviously, the girl from the other side is a quiet, dark fairytale-ish story)

idk i think im just rambling now, u guys should all go read the girl from the other side because its genuinely one of the most beautiful stories ever written ..

also bonus i like to imagine shiva (the girl in white) as faroe, and the official arts r just . faroe n john interactions in a Wonderful Nothing Bad Happens universe:

(apologies for any inaccuracies, my brain is a sieve) (and apologies for the extremely niche post)

[sparrowrising]

Wanna follow along with killing one of my darlings? Here's what I wrote to reason it through:

Alright, i'm gonna use you all as a sounding board for a bit as I figure out a writing thingy. I randomly got the idea of merging two characters and need to reason it through.

So. I'm on chapter 7 out of ca 22 in draft 1 of my first attempt at a novel. It's a murder mystery, found family, post-cyberpunk with fantasy elements thing. I've done quite a bit of outlining that is, of course, changing while I draft.

Just a quick note before we get started, I'm not gonna use real names here, because ... I dunno. Doesn't feel right. It might make it less readable, and I'm sorry for that, but this is mostly just my own rambling anyway;)

I have a rather large cast of characters:

4 POV primary characters: R, L, T & J,

2 non-POV primary characters

2 non-POV secondary characters (and then a bunch of other characters, of course).

I feel like the 4 POV characters make sense and fill different niches:

1) R is new to the world, the first one introduced, carries the main conflict and the one I expect the reader to bond with the most.

J and L are the estranged children of the murder victim.

2) L is the normal guy and an insider to the InvestigatingGroup (IG) R joins. He also carries the romantic subplot with someone from PossibleSuspectGroup1.

3) J is a throw-off of the society I created and provides a very different view on the world we entered. He is not a part of the IG, but joins PossibleSuspectGroup2.

4) T is the wild card PI, working an unrelated case in PossibleSuspectGroup3 that gets entangled into the whole mess. She knows both L's and J's sides of the world, though she is not officially part of the IG.

I feel like these work. They provide different views on the problem, and I've crafted it so they all get involved in the murder case. If we take them as a given, we are left with the other two main characters: D and N.

5) N is R's mirror. He has a similar backroud, but a different approach to joining the IG.

6) D is the IG's leader. He is the rock in the storm of moving pieces that are the other characters.

And lastly a secondary character worth mentioning here is A.

7) A used to be part of the IG but is now straddling the line between the IG and PossibleSuspectGroup1.

So.

D is obviously the weakest link, right? The idea I had was: Why not just change T from being a PI to being the IG leader?

Pros:

Less characters and thus maybe tighter plotlines

The IG group would start out as a lot more dysfunctional and would have to grow more

It would give T's character an interesting arc as she might need to learn she is the wrong person to be the group leader and give it over to someone else at the end. Her plotline atm (that I think works well) would definitely make her a bad leader. But if L (and N) are picking up the slack the IG might still manage to stumble along without D holding it together.

Cons:

L would probably need to shoulder a lot of the "rock in a storm" kind of energy D has currently got going.

A's plotline would probably grow as she might get sucked in to fill D's hole (get your mind out of the gutter, we're talking plot here). Especially if the IG would slowly grow more functional, she might want to join again. It also makes more sense that she would leave the group if the leadership is as bad as it seems atm.

...

'Kay, so the cons are not really cons are they?

...

Dammit. I liked D.

...

Sigh. I gotta go back and replot my outline. (<- I'm actually not that bummed out about this, I love catching things like this at this early stage instead if later;) )

[bluebudgie]

Snatching this character ask game to answer it in its entirety bc I'm currently sick in bed and this sounds like good distraction.

Here's your chance to read some lab rat character snippets.

Answering for Lahpp bc the brainworms got me bad the last 2 years.

A. What nicknames do they get called?

None, really. Unless employee numbers count as nicknames. I've made a joking comment about how Petthri would start calling him Gecko for absolutely no logical reason other than me being amused that the man's voice claim actor played a character with that name in a super niche musical. This isn't canon. But it makes listening to relevant songs funny.

B. Describe their family dynamic.

Non-existant. Didn't even have an official legal guardian until Rata Sum authorities required related paperwork for school stuff. There was the subkrewe that handled surveillance of his 'progress' and the head of the project was sort of 'in charge' of him but whatever relationship they had was nothing remotely comparable to a family. I think to this day he's got the hardest time wrapping his head around the concept of family relationships, other than of course the purely biological explanation.

C. What’s their weirdest habit or quirk?

Does consuming more coffee than anyone feasibly should count? I'm not even sure this man drinks anything else. Probably, but seriously unsure. Just don't question it, it hasn't killed him yet.

D. What was their high school college experience like?

This is one of those "20k essay; 1000 different amv scenarios" topics. In short: difficult, exhausting, but not as bad as it could have been.

On a social level he always felt like the odd one out and didn't have much contact to the other students, but he was never actively disliked or anything of the sort. Him being generally rather distant and observant probably intimidated a few people, as well as him being Inquest. Group projects went smoothly though, and interactions were superficially friendly. Just comparatively rare.

Work-wise he had to put in so much more effort than many others because of his disabilities, all while trying to be as stealthy as possible about it so noone would notice. He excelled in many challenges, didn't manage to hide all of it however; some things he simply couldn't do. Uncomfortable for him.

He was a really good student overall.

Also as a side anecdote, he got the typical "can you speak up please" a lot even though he was a front row regular. Soft-spoken guy.

E. What is their love language?

He's the "invite someone to go out for dinner" type. Spend some good quality time. He might get invested in the relevant person's interests too. Ask about them, enable some rambling, or ideally an interesting discussion.

F. How do they handle conflict?

That depends entirely on the kind of coflict and who or what is involved. Can range from "take the lead and try to find the most efficient solution" to "remove himself from the situation and just not deal with it at all".

G. What’s their greatest talent?

Developed mad acting & pokerface skills. He can smile through the most annoying social situations and you wouldn't guess he hates every single second of it. If he actively wants to give you that impression, that is. Sometimes he just doesn't bother.

H. Where is their favourite place to be?

Not sure if he has a consciously picked favourite place but he's comfortable enough in the small studio room connected to his lab. Made it a decently livable place. It's tiny (very tiny) but that's fine, he doesn't need much space. It's a place of peace and quiet, and that's what matters.

I. What makes them feel safe?

Good question! Next question.

J. What is their greatest weakness?

He's a coward who resigned himself to a life in a corrupt, hateful, criminal system. He was target of that very same system's bigotry for ages but he turns a blind eye on it out of fear and a lack of willingness to change anything. He's content being a simple cog in the machine, not caring about what its greater purpose is. is this what Camus calls philosophical suicide

Maybe one day he'll overcome the cowardice to face some difficult truths. Probably not.

K. What is their greatest strength?

If he says he'll get shit done, he gets it done. He's got an incredible amount of perseverance.

Especially in his teenage years this often meant choosing the path of more resistance simply to spite the people who would assume he wouldn't manage certain things. Even if those people would never actually know. He had to at least prove it to himself under the guise of acting out of spite. Is that even a strength anymore or actually a flaw? A strength born from flawed thinking?

L. What is their secrets to happiness?

Don't have anything change, find comfort in living the convenient lie. The illusion of happiness is good enough.

M. How do they handle competition?

If it's the kind of "who wins the monthly nonfatal pool by putting the most life subjects in a vegetative state" small-ego-competition then he simply doesn't care. Not because he has any moral issues with it but because he think it's a waste of time and just distracts from the actual tasks at hand.

If it's "the events in Cantha have put you in a physical and mental state that prevents you from working; and staying away on sick leave for a prolongued amount of time will eventually get you replaced despite decades of dedication" sort of competition then he doesn't handle it well at all. And he doesn't even believe anyone else could do his job better than him. Somehow that actually makes it worse.

N. What are their hidden talents?

Music. Got curious about the general topic in college. And in true spiteful (big fat disclaimer: asshole statement) "Oh you're severely HoH so this is clearly not for you" fashion, he decided this is exactly for him to get invested in. He got really into the theory part especially but also picked up an instrument (undecided which one. the decision has been haunting me for months.) to play.

Later when he met Luqqah they found out it's an interest they have in common so they spent a lot of time just either discussing or analyzing theoretical concepts or actually making some music. Luqqah taught him how to sing over the years! It's something he had wanted to learn well before he met her but very much lacked the confidence to start on his own.

He hasn't lost that passion over all these years, even if he didn't get to share it with anyone in a while. Post-EoD music trio incoming?

O. What motivates them?

In the past: Mostly fear with a good portion of spite.

Now: Mostly habit. Some underlying fears.

P. What advice would they give to their younger self?

If he could look past his own facade he'd likely tell his younger self to keep kindling at least a bit of that spiteful fire he had.

He does sometimes feel like he's lacking more "bite" the older he gets.

Q. Do they have a signature look or fashion?

Always got that eye piece on covering his left eye. You'll not encounter him without it. If you do, something's either wrong or you've somehow invaded into private space.

He spends the majority of his time working which means the majority of the time you'll find him in a labcoat. He also keeps his hair tied up for practical reasons.

His "casual" outfits are still surprisingly formal looking. He wants to leave a decent impression, you know. I'm awful at describing clothes so I'll skip this one until I one day inevitable draw it, but he's big on waistcoats and likes different shades of brown.

R. How tall are they?

Listen friends I'm really bad at understanding the gw2 race heights and putting them in perspective, but I assigned him a confident 98 cm (3'2") which in my world view is somewhere in the average middle. Not super short, not tall.

S. What’s their relationship like with their parents?

Somewhat answered in the family dynamics question. As for his biological parents, he never knew them. His -on paper- legal guardian wasn't much of a parental figure. Did it fuck him up growing up without any real guiding figure to look up to? Sure. Did it take time for him to understand that this is not the normal experience every child has? Unsure if he actually ever fully understood. Rationally he does, but emotionally this is a different matter.

T. What are their favourite foods?

He's really gotten into wasabi.

U. What do they like to do in their spare time?

See the music answer. Also reading an interesting book in a quiet environment is always a good pastime.

V. What’s their biggest pet peeve?

So he's generally really good at keeping his cool but he's got absolutely zero (0) patience for several people talking over each other in the same time. There's a reason he demanded his own lab space when everyone moved over to the CoE.

W. What’s their favourite sport?

If dancing is considered a sport (I believe it is?) Petthri might eventually get him to be interested enough as a spectactor. Let that be a future arc.

Otherwise literally no interest in any at all.

X. What’s their biggest fear?

Death. And I don't mean it in a 'most people find thinking about their own mortality uncomfortable' way, I mean it in a seriously phobic way. It keeps him up at night. He's had numerous seriously bad panic attacks over it. Based important decisions on it.

There was a time of his life it got somewhat better but it's catching up to him again recently.

Y. What physical object do they value most?

Whatever omious instrument I'll decide on that he owns will probably be valuable to him. I have no idea otherwise.

Z. What’s their relationship status?

Officially single (and it will stay that way). Unofficially complicated.

For the really curious: I suppose their current relationship is best described as "friends with benefits". No they have not kissed yet. I'm gonna first have to figure out when and how and why and if at all and

That said I have this shitpost scene-that'll-never-happen in my head of Luqqah meeting Lahpp and Petthri during the whole EoD disaster and in a moment of quiet she and Lahpp sit together. And she looks him in the eyes and goes "So are you two boyfriends?" And before he can even try to defend himself she continues "You break up with me because you figure out you're gay. And then you're gay for that?" Poor Petthri.

[the-collector-blog]

a ramble about fan communities 🩵, interests, games, zelda, and change. (might be nice to read if i knew you from the hideout, actually, and you want to see where i'm at.)

it's... actually bringing me quite a bit of joy seeing people like my posts lately. I have never reeeally experienced this feeling of liking characters like this and wanting to talk, think, and post about them excessively. i engaged in Fandom (just being a fan of something) mostly by theorizing and working out the lore of the thing. of course i loved zelda and link etc, but i just did not feel it the way others did whatsoever. i had to engage socially in my interest with zelda by talking to mostly non-queer people for this reason. (i am queer if thats not obvious lol.) when it was just my queer friends, they'd say like "i really like this character" "this is my oc" "i ship these characters" which was so valid and love that for them, but i did not feel those things.

now, i find myself in a new fandom (afk arena & journey), where the best bet to interact with other fans about it is through the official game's server. that has the most people, but not too many, and the most knowledgeable and interested ppl. however, since it's the official server, it's open to literally anyone. luckily i have managed to find my niche and find a way to joyfully interact there: by basically just hanging out in 2ish specific channels.

now, i actually find myself craving a space that is specifically geared towards queer people or fans adjacent to (and accepting of) them, rather than one with the most people i can talk to meaningfully about lore.

it's an interesting change... i left a huge zelda community (and the only one i was active in) some months ago, after being heavily invested in it for 3 years. honestly was the source of most of my social interactions and mental stimulation (engaging with zelda lore- my special interest- was good for my brain), soooo yeah massive change there. i was at peace with my decision though. and it's okay.

i can't even think much about zelda now, and i am fully taking that in stride. i don't actively want to play the games at this moment, but this is not a bad thing to me. rather, it's good not to burn myself out by forcing engagement when i have disengaged from it for the time being. it's still my biggest interest, don't worry. i am at peace and okay with the way things are moving for me.

lately, in a more acute way, i've noticed my brain super shifting around and changing. i am also trying to take that in stride. 😅 lots of things are changing, i'm trying to just let it happen and be okay with it... this rearranging that my brain is doing is also bringing on many other issues. anyway. whew. what is happening

[justiceraffles]

"Hey, what if MK was a horribly written telenovela with a poorly conceived mystery storyline that's tied together in the most precarious of ways with nonsensical plotpoints and was also endgame Hakukai" So here's the start to my Hakukai longfic! I have a lot of things to say about this story so I'll just ramble about it at length beneath the cut if anyone's interested in my nonsense notes. Otherwise,

Read Here

I've been working on this thing on and off for a year and a half now, it lives rent free in my head every day and has been editted, restructured, and rewritten a lot. I've been very apprehensive about sharing it. ...To be honest, I still am! It's a chaotic story where I just allowed myself to write the most self-indulgent thing I could muster. This entire plot is an amalmagation of random things and ideas I like. It feels like a niche concept that is very messy and ???¿¿¿¿??? why did I make this

But, I guess that also makes it a very "me" story, so having fun with it and writing something that just brought me joy is what matters most, ultimately.

(aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

I'm very thankful to everyone who has read the outline and concept for it or just listened to me ramble about the incoherent plot and characters or cheering me on when I've been kinda anxious about it— it's thanks to that support despite this being such a specific and ¿¿¿ idea that I've found the courage to actually share it. I'm very grateful and I hope you guys can enjoy something in it o)-(

So, about the fic,

It's a story about Hakuba! I think we are all well aware that jokes about his long absences and infrequent appearances are very commonplace (where in the world is hakuba saguru??? TT) and it unfortunately leads to him being forgotten and overlooked often. The initial concept that inspired this fic was "Hey, what if Hakuba stopped showing up for real?" and explore the implications this would have on the MK storyline (and Kaito, by extension). I wanted to make a plot where he was allowed to be the protagonist of his own story, highlight his worth as a detective, his role in the main narrative, and the depth of his relationship with Kaito. It's a Hakuba Saguru Appreciation fic, first and foremost!

So, the romance itself is very slow burn. There is a lot of plot, because I have a lot of fun with ridiculous, contrived stories haha. It takes a while for the story to be fully set up, and Kaito doesn't make a proper, official appearance until the end of Chapter 2.

Chapter 1 is rather lengthy and sets the context and plot from Hakuba's POV, Chapter 2 focuses on establishing where his relationship with Kaito (as well as Aoko and Akako) stands at the moment, and Chapter 3 onward starts seeing the first proper developments in the relationship.

It's a bit rocky at first and they have a lot of ups and downs but I promise they work it out (I promise!!! I swear!!!) I tried my best to maintain a balance between the fluffy and angsty moments, but I have to admit it's quite dramatic at parts lol I enjoy stupid, trashy drama a lot sometimes— this is the reason I'm calling it a bad telenovela.

Despite the fact that this is very plotty, their feelings for each other are the guiding force behind the storyline, and their relationship does take center stage later on. The romance is in no way secondary, it just takes a long while to fully develop. They most definitely get a happy ending, but you can expect this to be 95% pining.

The story starts out some years after the current events in the MK manga. Pandora hasn't been found yet, and KID is still active. On the other hand, the DC canon is used very loosely; the conflict has long since been resolved. The BO was taken down years before the start of this story.

The two plots aren't too deeply intertwined here, they just intercept at parts. References to DC events appear here and there and some elements and character interactions overlap, but they tend to be minor for the most part. This is primarily a MK story and I wasn't too worried about completely integrating both plotlines (or staying 100% accurate to the DC plot, for that matter).

Of course, because this is MK-centric, Aoko and Akako are involved with the overarching story and have major roles to play.

In terms of DC characters, Masumi, Shiho, Heiji and Shinichi play semi-prominent roles in the story. I've tagged Masumi from the getgo because she appears in the first chapter, but I'll add the others when I get to the little arcs they show up in. Save for some specific contributions they have, they aren't too deeply involved with the overall plot progression, but the interactions Hakuba has with them are important for his character development and his better understanding of his relationship with Kaito. Basically each of these characters gets some sort of little story arc in which they interact with/help Hakuba in some way. I arbitrarily chose who I wanted him to interact with, lol.

Speaking of arbitrary decisions— Miss Masumi!!!! She's the first character that shows up in this and interacts with Hakuba. I understand this is probably a strange choice. Because I really wanted to flesh out Hakuba's detective methods and life in London a little more, I decided to use the very what if headcanon of Hakuba's maternal family and the Sera family being acquainted with each other. Like I said before, I didn't really want to connect DC and MK plots thoroughly, so the Akai family plotline isn't at all relevant here beyond a couple of passing mentions. I was mostly interested in Hakuba having an MI6 connection without the need of using another OC and I just wanted to imagine what a hypothetical dynamic between him and Masumi would be like.

And then, OCs. There's a couple of OCs with pretty major roles here as well. Really major— probably in equal measure to Aoko and Akako. I apologise in advance! I really needed them to properly build the detective/mystery aspect of the plot, and the more I wrote, the more they became involved with the story and relationship progression TT I really enjoyed writing them a lot, and I'm satisfied with how they turned out here. I understand OCs with prominent roles aren't everyone's cup of tea, though. Even though I enjoyed writing them, I'm a little self-conscious about how relevant they ended up being when they were originally just going to be there as a plot device to kickstart things ;;; Hopefully someone can find enjoyment in them nonetheless. They are most heavily involved with the story after the midpoint, but they appear all throughout.

I'm really nervous about the choices to have Masumi and major OCs in this story...I understand it is likely these things will make this story a little too niche. But!!!!!!!!! Again!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having fun with it is what matters most Raffles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get that through your thick skull!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, please expect the most convoluted explanation to Pandora. There is a lot of made up lore I had a blast writing but it's all probably needlessly complicated.

In summary, it's a detective story starring Hakuba that somehow ended up reading like a dramatic post-breakup/getting back together soap opera.

A significant portion of this has been prewritten, so my (ideal) plan is to have weekly or biweekly updates (but hmmmm let's see how long that lasts until I decide to scrap and rewrite everything out of embarrassment— this is very likely, I second-guess myself a lot)

I keep dragging it through the mud, but I've actually had a blast writing it, even though there's A Lot going on and I'm not very confident in it being decent enough to share.

With all that, I hope someone else can maybe find some enjoyment reading it.

[curiosity-killed]

hua cheng, the accidental person

okay this is for @bodhimcbodeface because i can’t shut up and make this concise enough for discord. spoilers ahead yeehaw

this is...not comprehensive. i’ve written 11 tgcf fics and am generally a bit fixated on Hua Cheng as a character so. there’s definitely things missing but i tried to hit the main points that i thought of while writing? also obviously this is just my interpretation! i do not expect anyone else to be like “ah yes curio the sage is so correct i have changed my thinking on this” like go live your life with your own versions of hua cheng! this is just the hill upon which i have firmly planted myself and from which i refuse to be budged. as u do.

anyway, LONG explanation of my very niche and very uh self-indulgent, not-necessarily-support-by-canon hua cheng apologism LMAO

tl;dr: (this is really Too Long i’m sorry) I think Hua Cheng reluctantly becomes a person during his 800 years of searching, starting from a point where he views Xie Lian not as a person but as an immutable god and focus of devotion and developing into a person who doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s a person because realizing that you want to live and do things for yourself is scary and overwhelming at times, and he ultimately falls in love with Xie Lian during the novel itself as he recognizes and is in wonder of the humanity of Xie Lian instead of his divinity or absolute judgment.

POINT 1: Hua Cheng doesn’t actually fall in love with Xie Lian till the ox cart

but curio! you say, “my beloved!” he calls him his beloved! and the land of tender!!

shhh. IMO Hua Cheng is more Wuming than Hua Cheng for those 800 years. By which I mean, for most of that time he’s, at his heart, a nameless soldier trying to find and serve his crown prince/general/god. He still views Xie Lian as this perfect and immaculate figure—a sculpture, a painting, a work of art that is untouchable and immutable. And he’s utterly and wholly devoted to that figure but devotion is not the same as love

So Hua Cheng is searching and trying to serve Dianxia all these years and then His Royal Highness finally ascends and is a god again and Hua Cheng shows up in all his glory to give this power and strength and wealth to serve him and—

and he’s met not by a powerful and reckless martial god or an unstoppable calamity but by a young man dressed in bridal robes who lets Hua Cheng lead him up a darkened mountain, who doesn’t lash out with spiritual energy or a sword but instead, only eventually, with the cursed bandage he was carrying back in the darkest part of his life.

and i think that throws hua cheng. like he’s had this image of his god all these years, this divine painting made over and over and over again—and he carries that belief and devotion with him, but there’s a crack in the sculpture and the stone is starting to flake off to reveal a human underneath it

so he puts on an approachable, malleable, unassuming skin and finds xie lian collecting scraps and being a lil awkward, a lil bumbling, generous and kind — and i think hua cheng, after 800 years of knowing everything, having everything — I think he looks at this discovery with wonder

Bc tbc this does not mean Hua Cheng views them as equals. For him it’s like, dianxia has even more to him, is even more than I knew. He’s seen Xie Lian as the flower crowned martial god in all his glory and as the white-clothed calamity in all his horror — and now here he is, wonderful, multitudinous, and human

Meanwhile I don’t think Hua Cheng even views himself as a person really, much less a human.

also i mean. the internet & allo ppl prove time and time again that you don’t need love for horniness so. land of tender’s right out as proof on that

POINT 2: The Live For Me thing

so obviously and undeniably, using one person as a reason for living is....not healthy. Not going to argue that. but my take on it personally is that, when Hua Cheng’s a kid who really, actively wants to die and sees no reason for living, Xie Lian gives him a reason to keep going. he doesn’t have to live for himself—that’s too much, that’s too big of an ask—but he’s been given a command and purpose by the one person who’s been kind to him/whom he respects. it’s a little like... “My life has no meaning but my cat needs me to feed him and clean his litterbox and so I need to keep getting up and taking care of him even if I don’t see a larger intrinsic purpose to my life.”

and i think like...it’s easy to forget that for all of books 2 & 4, Hua Cheng is young. He doesn’t live past 18—he’s still like...a kid. And that’s not to say that teenagers/young adults can’t make moral and rational decisions but I’m going to be honest, when I was that age I contemplated joining the Air Force because of tuition assistance and the snazzy uniform despite the fact that I was a vocal pacifist and repeatedly got into arguments with teachers about school rules and conservative politics. It’s not like. The Most Rational and Mature Age, lbr. 

so Wuming is absolutely capable of looking at what Xie Lian is doing and being like “hey maybe war crimes aren’t a great idea” but he is young and traumatized and the one person he believes in, the one person who gave him a reason to keep going, is deadset on this task which tbh I don’t think either of them (or...necessarily...the society in which they live) views as war crimes in the modern sense (which isn’t to say that we as readers should view it any more lightly bc i think the narrative directly and firmly contradicts that idea) but as revenge, as an eye-for-an-eye. so, bad, but character-wise, I think it’s more nuanced than we sometimes consider

anyway back to the fixation on xie lian. i stand by the assertion that in those 800 years, hua cheng wasn’t exclusively focused on xie lian. like was finding and serving him his top priority? oh god yes. undeniably. there is no other version of this story. BUT eight hundred years is like....a lot of time. and i think in that time he started doing things for himself, even if under the guise of serving xie lian. hua cheng is curious and adventurous—he clearly likes to learn even if he plays it off as nbd—and i think he starts to realize that about himself in those centuries even if he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge or consider it. 

POINT 3: Mt. Tong’lu in General

“okay, sure but what about the thousands of sculptures and murals of xie lian, curio. what the fuck about them.”

Yeah. FINE. okay we will DEAL with this. dealing with this is the entire reason i wrote “(like i do) in the tall grass.” 

disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon! i also. Do Not care. My Ghost King Now.

so I have two general avenues I take with this:

going back to the devotion > love — when Hua Cheng reaches MTL, he’s seen xie lian beaten and cast down. what do gods need to survive? worship! we see throughout how important divine statues/portraits/etc. are throughout canon. in this interpretation, the cave is a concentration of all that worship in an effort to support and serve xie lian and hua cheng doesn’t view himself like...as part of it. the sculptures could have been carved by any hand so long as they are xie lian and the worship and devotion that goes into their making can support and bolster him.

my personal favorite version: amNESIA IN THE CAVES —okay i don’t have the text pulled up rn but y’know how Guoshi says Hua Cheng was almost dispersed, in terrible condition, etc., when he reached Mt. Tong’lu. so if baby boy is in terrible condition, barely hanging on, etc., then my immediate favorite option is that he doesn’t, at that time, have even the...uh threadbare sense of self he did in life/as Wuming and is running on only a vague and urgent sense of Something driving him—something he has to do, someone he has to serve—and in that case, the paintings and sculptures are part of his trying to piece together and process his memories as he can grasp them and figuring out who he is/what his purpose is. Is this canonical? PROBABLY NOT. and yet here i am. firmly planted on this hill

Also w/ MTL I think a thing that’s often skated over is the mortals, creation of E’ming, and his ascension. Which is important from a meta lens of Hua Cheng and Xie Lian vs Jun Wu but that’s not the point of this rambling monstrosity and i’m trying not to get too distracted. ANYWAY I think this is one of those times when Hua Cheng does something that he would probably excuse as like “well His Highness would’ve wanted me to” or “His Highness wouldn’t have been willing to sacrifice the mortals” because Xie Lian is still largely his moral compass—but it also is a peek at the complexity Hua Cheng doesn’t acknowledge within himself.

uh i got distracted anyway and no longer know what point i was making here. Hua Cheng Ascension Important....maybe i will remember this at some other point...

POINT 4: Live For Me (Revisited)

I sort of got distracted writing that point but anyway coming back to it now: I maintain that although Hua Cheng’s primary pursuit is protecting and serving Xie Lian he also does develop/realize his Accidental Personhood throughout his 800 years. this includes a lot of things, as previously stated, that are under the guise of serving Xie Lian (I’d put learning the Banyue tongue, finding out about the Gilded Banquet, collecting swords, beating the 33 officials etc., in this category) and things that maybe could be but...are not really (e.g., his friendship alliance with He Xuan, Paradise Manor* in general, the Gambling Den, learning the Wuyong tongue, bullying Qi Rong*, bullying FengQing*, playing with gold foil palaces, etc.)

(*these are ones that like...could be said to be for Xie Lian and I think he might say are for Xie Lian but also have a personal element that is just for him. 

Like yes Paradise Manor is a lavish and well-stocked residence fit for a god or crown prince...but it’s also a luxurious and extravagant collection of all the things he couldn’t have in life. it’s like giving a kid a credit card with no limit and letting them run wild through uh. Fuck. A Fancy Department Store. 

And sure Qi Rong was awful and turned on Xie Lian in pretty damning ways, but I also genuinely think part of Hua Cheng’s grudge with him is from the childhood abuse and from just...hatred that Qi Rong is around and looks like Xie Lian and gets to be there when Hua Cheng can’t find Xie Lian (which is about  Xie Lian but for Hua Cheng). 

Similarly with FengQing, sure a lot of his hate is for them abandoning Xie Lian—but he doesn’t even know till Book 3 when they abandoned him, and consider how much more he hates Mu Qing, the guy he blames for kicking him out of the army, etc. Some of it is totally “in service” to Xie Lian but some of it is because Hua Cheng carries a grudge like a goddamn pro and finds catharsis in beating the shit out of immortals who bounce back and can’t stop tripping over themselves and onto his blade.)

[r0h1rr1m]

rambly inception thoughts bc i watched this movie for like the fifth time this week and i can’t let it go

i just saw a lil post about an umbrella academy/inception crossover and that au is not really relevant to this but it made me think. i got to wondering whether someone w superpowers would be able to use them in a dream, or if that would violate the suspension of disbelief/make-no-waves rules and call the projections down on u. the specific rules of this mechanism--and of forging, and limbo, and lots of other stuff--have a definitively movie-logic ambiguousness to them, but let’s say that using powers in a dream, even if you have them in real life, stretches belief a little too much and angers the projections. it would also explain why (from a watsonian perspective, at least) dreamsharers don’t just give themselves fantastic abilites to make things easier. (i kinda wanna go off on another tangent about what that implies about who you have fool, be it dreamer or mark or both, and the effect of varying levels of imagination, but few enough people are gonna read this whole thing as is :’))

but then (in this extremely niche and overly specific hypothetical situation, yes, i’m sorry) if powered ppl using real powers in a dream would be too unbelievable, it follows that dreamsharers would have to be at least slightly more boring versions of themselves in a dream, probably less skilled and just less weird. real life is consistently stranger and more unexpected than imagination

this is where this veers off into unrelated territory a lil bit bc then i started imagining the conversation that would happen if Ariadne started figuring this out or if Eames told her. without any effort at good or in-character dialogue, it might go something like this:

A <<so then the stablest/most forgiving dreams would be of the people with the most imagination? like children?>>

E <<probably, but who would go in the mind of a child?>>

A <<u literally make a career made a career out of violating people in a way so profound u’d have to be clinically paranoid to even worry about protecting against it, but u draw the line there? at children? why is it okay to do it to adults?>>

and so on until i started having some characterization hcs. bc i see Eames as the coldest/most ruthlessly pragmatic character in the movie (i’ve had conversations where ppl argue it’s Cobb, but he’s not ruthless. he is, in fact, sabotaging his own career w an overabundance of ruth. he’s just desperate and making some kind of myopic justifications. like that scene early on in the first level? i get the distinct sense that when he’s blowing up at Arthur he’s overcompensating to separate himself from the blame of a situation for which he’s at least 50% but arguably more responsible for. sorry tangent over) and i don’t think he’d worry abt this too much.

he knows that he lives his life in a bit of a moral gray area and unless he wants to make sm srs changes to his lifestyle there’s not a lot of point stressing. he’s not like totally relativistic, bc relativism isn’t that useful and he’s pretty utilitarian (i think these words also have, like, official philosophical definitions but idk anything abt that n i’m not using em that way), but he’s aware that a moral code is a tricky thing, even for ppl who are not international career criminals. rules like “no kids as marks” are easy to follow, and make simple, instinctive sense. i think he’d make a lot of moral decisions js on gut feeling.

in the hypothetical convo above where he tells Ariadne as much, mbe he adds:

<<if u want to talk abt it w someone who’s actually thought abt this, i’m sure Arthur has, but i don’t think it’ll make u feel better>>

bc Arthur is mbe a bit too good at compartmentalizing and justifications (not like Cobb, tho. Arthur is loyal to a fault and dedicated to looking after other ppl in a way he seems generally disinterested in doing for himself), seeing as he’s apparently the kind of person who can cheerfully ID someone’s murderer to their face and then just casually switch topics after like 5 words of explanation.

he’s characterized as v focused on planning/details and thoroughness/coherency, so it tracks that he’d want to articulate/organize his thoughts on Why I Do What I Do, but the subjectivity of his justifications would be especially apparent to Ariadne after this convo w Eames. and like, “convince ur friend to go to therapy” and “follow ur friend around the globe enabling his increasingly aimless and self-destructive mission to break into ppl’s heads for money” are on opposite ends of a spectrum i don’t want to know anything about. js bc this dude gets prissy abt Eames js Feeling Things Out and is convinced he’s Mr. Logic doesn’t mean his logic isn’t absolutely fckn buck-wild.

so Ariadne’s reaction to all this is what? it’s highly unlikely anything could make her give up dreamshare, so. are there legit alternatives to the criminal side of things? in the movie it’s not rly clear. when Dom goes to Miles and says that becoming a fugitive took away his legitimate options for his skills, it seems like that would imply there are, in fact, legitimate options. but then why was Miles only training/able to suggest a normal ass architect and not a dreamshare Architect?

anyway, the point is if legit dreamshare work exists, Ari could hand the work of deciding on ethics and regulations off to a boss or legislation. whether or not she’d choose to do that i think is a matter of personal hc and the movie could support it either way. if on the other hand, tho, only illegal uses for dreamshare exist, she has to find her own moral guidelines in criminal work (i like the hc that Arthur helps her be more selective than a newbie would typically be allowed to be. helps her vet jobs and keep from getting in over her head/beholden to someone. it just seems like something he would do. and mbe his reputation needs a little repair after however long he ran w an increasingly unstable and unreliable Dom Cobb, but if ppl like Eames are still calling him the best pointman he must have enough clout to help Ari get some good jobs). for myself, i think even if there are legit jobs Ari would choose to stay on the illegal side of things anyway, at least at first. she’s addicted to the limitation-free aspect of it, and, in the proud tradition of geniuses and prodigies everywhere, she’s demonstrably bad at taking censure/advice. she has to make her own mistakes. not to mention, her own morals might be a lil wobbly anyway, from how easily and entitledly she invaded Dom’s privacy. like, it turned out to be for the best, but it was still kinda fcked up

anyway surprise i wasn’t working towards any sort of point but i can’t stop thinking abt this movie and my family’s sick of hearing about it. thanks for reading. vote

[jungwoohoos]

uni!hoseok

genre: fluff

word count: 2.2k

he really does look like linguini when he dances, but you guess you can’t resist that

You weren’t a party virgin per se

There was that one time the second weekend of first year that you went out with your roommate

She had met someone the night before and said he would give you two an in

How did she get someone’s number so quickly?? You didn’t understand

You once asked for someone’s email instead because the thought of asking for someone’s number was so personal

Your project group got a little annoyed that they had to email you everything they had already discussed in the group chat

But you always made sure to use the cute emojis that look like blobs of honey, so everything was good and your members didn’t annihilate you in the evaluation reports

Anyway, you lasted 20 minutes max at that party

It was a house party, but everyone was milling around in the backyard, which was nearly pitch black and really patchy

You could barely see your feet, so you had no idea how anyone could see who they were talking to

Everyone was also wearing hawaiian shirts

“Oooohhhhhh, it’s a hawaiian themed party,” your roommate had whispered while looking at your all black outfit

As if black jeans don’t exist in Hawaii >:(

She started talking to the guy she had met the night before, and it was getting a little steamy if you could say so yourself

You should take lessons because she was playing in the big leagues

Subtle touch on his arm

Laughing at everything he was saying

Although that one must’ve been a hard one to pull off because there’s only so much you could laugh about when a drunk dude’s retelling how much pain he was in when he thought his appendicitis was someone in an invisibility cloak stabbing him with an invisible knife

You had only come with your roommate, and she was busy trying to get with Chad over there

So you played on your phone a bit

Walked around the backyard, which was the size of a ping pong table, and got some fresh air

There was only so much bush you could look at at 11:30 pm

So you caught your roommate’s eyes (which were wandering suspiciously south)

And motioned that you were going to head out

And to text you if she was coming back

Because the way she was working her magic on Brad, the question was more of an “if” than a “when”

You walked through the sprinkler on your way back to your room, and that was the most fun part of the night by far

Two years later, you can proudly say you never stepped foot into another party

Because being in your bed nice and clean was your kind of party

Not the kind where you’re sweating not because you’re moving

But from sheer proximity to other sweaty bodies

So when Namjoon invited you to a small gathering he was having, you didn’t hesitate to say yes

You had met Namjoon earlier that semester in your botany class

The one that you both realized you only took because you had binge watched the same video of a guy grooming his garden full of bonsai plants

Trimming and landscaping and rearranging the formation of the pebbles surrounding the base

43:11 minutes of pure heaven

He squealed when you brought up BlissfulBonsai81 because yEs YES someone who understands

You’re at a coffee shop doing some work when he brings it up

Scrape of chair legs

The warm smell of cinnamon that wafts up to your nose when he hands you your drink

“Soooo since BlissfulBonsai81 mentioned in his last video that true happiness comes from celebration of small moments”

This man is his role model

“I’m gonna have a small gathering so we can celebrate the end of midterms woooo!!”

You haven’t met Namjoon’s other friends yet, but from what he’s mentioned, they seem fun

Hoseok seems a little wild though

But you trust Namjoon, and it’ll be nice to have some fun after the onslaught of exams

So you tell him you’ll go

“But only if there’s sweet and spicy sriracha wings”

“Small gathering” my ass

If Namjoon weren’t being a sweetheart and helping Youngchul in the bathroom, he would’ve been getting a piece of your mind

Your last exam was today

And to say that it burned you out would be a major understatement

Two hours of fluid dynamics and stupid pipes being smooth or rough and turbulent substances

You’ll show Namjoon turbulent when you’ve gotten your much deserved 12 hours of sleep

Even now, after the party’s died down a bit, there are at least 30 people

You couldn’t even walk up the stairs to use the bathroom without bumping into four couples making out

One was Jungkook and his new girlfriend, who he apparently officially met on an intramural volleyball team

He gave you a wave and a wink when you turned around to apologize for bumping into him

His girlfriend also smiled and gave a little wave

Probably the cutest couple you could’ve stumbled upon sucking faces

It’s nearing midnight, and you’re starting to feel the day catch up to you

The bass was a little too loud thrumming through your head

The cup you had barely touched was beginning to make your hand cramp

And that guy was still dancing

You’re half delirious and half inexperienced, but you’re pretty sure there’s no dancing at house parties

Not counting the disturbing bump and grinds happening off beat

But this guy’s been dancing for the last two hours

And you don’t know how he’s made it this far because he’s wearing jeans and a long sleeve

They make him look even more like the inflatable guys outside of car dealerships

He’s really not a bad dancer

Definitely has the flexibility for it if you can go off his limbs flying everywhere

And that huge smile’s been on his face the whole time, even though any sane person wouldn’t be smiling if they were wearing the insulator his clothes are

Any sane person also wouldn’t be doing the sprinkler to Kendrick Lamar

You’re still looking at him over the rim of your cup when you hear a small sigh next to you

Namjoon plucks the cup from your cup and downs it

“I’m never holding a party again” he groans and lets his head fall back onto the couch

You’re about to be a little sassy and correct him with “small gathering”, but he sat up when he saw you looking at the dancing noodle

“Ohh! You haven’t met Hobi hyung. Let me introduce you!!”

You’re being pulled straight off the couch and toward the middle of the room before you could blink

Oh he’s taller than you thought

“Hyung, hyung” 

Namjoon has to cup his armpit and squeeze to get his attention

There’s a squeal and Hobi turns around

He makes a little tsk sound when he sees Joon

“Eh, Joon. You know I hate when you do that”

He sees you looking at him

You look like you could use a good hibernation

He can’t help but smile when you go to shake his hand but yawn instead

Your nose scrunched up and you covered your mouth with the hand you were about to use to shake his

Namjoon’s rambling about something you two have in common

“You guys both like hot cheetos!! You can talk about that”

But you two are sizing each other up silently

He seems like too much energy, too much pep for your liking 

You literally just watched this guy flail for 2 hours

You don’t think you like him

He likes how you’re not afraid to make eye contact with him

You also smell like citrus, which smells like heaven compared to the overwhelming scent of dried beer and sweat

He likes you

Namjoon doesn’t know it because he’s still listing topics you could talk about

“...music? No, songs with tambourine accents are kinda niche...politics??”

You leave a little after that because your roommate got locked out while she was doing laundry, and she’s in her underwear

Hobi gives you a wink, and you narrow your eyes

He pops up a lot in the next few weeks

Sometimes just to call your name and shoot you a wink

But other times to ask how your day was and see if you want to get milkshakes

You don’t want to admit it, but you kind of enjoy spending time with him

You have to tell him to lower his voice numerous times because he ends up shouting

A problem in the library

And he likes listening, so he asks you to just talk a lot of the times

Which puts you in a weird position because you shouldn’t want to talk to someone you find loud and annoying right?

But you find yourself smiling when you hear his voice

And having to pretend to be grumpy when he interrupts your study sessions because he was bored

He’s nothing you thought you would like, but everything that made you happy

News started spreading that you and Hobi were hanging out because Hobi was beloved on campus

Even the janitors got excited to talk to him

Not many people knew who you were because you tended to keep to yourself

You were sitting on a bench one day, eating some carrots

Decapitating more like it

You were pissed

You missed your presentation this morning because your alarm didn’t go off

Professor Lee wouldn’t let you make it up even when you started crying

You were crying so much that you slipped down the stairs

Your butt now had a stair shaped bruise on it

And now you had to get ready for Namjoon’s birthday party because your present had taken 3 weeks to come in and you weren’t about to give it to him the day after his birthday

Which is why 2 hours later, you’re drunk

It only took one “what’s this pee colored drink??” 

You’re in the bathroom, trying to figure out how to turn on the sink

For some reason, the knobs won’t turn to either side

Maybe it’s automatic? You wave your hands underneath the spout but still no water

You didn’t hear the knock on the door

You didn’t even know it had opened and someone had walked in until you feel a solid body bounce against yours 

Hands caught your waist before you could topple over, and you let out a small “oof” when the momentum stopped and you bounced back against their chest

Mmmmmmm smells like freshly baked muffins

You fisted your hands into the fabric in front of you and buried your nose deeper

“Having fun there?”

“Mmmeppaph” you mumbled, moving your hands around to their back and letting your nose trace its way into the crook of their neck

Hobi hoped you couldn’t feel how quickly his heart was beating

Because it was about to bust out of his chest and if you hum against his neck one more ti--

“Hmmmmm”

You couldn’t help yourself because they were so warm and smelled so nice and made a really nice bed and huh, you were a little tired weren’t you

He felt your body give until you were slumped against him

The only thing that was keeping you upright was his hands on your waist

And your hands which have somehow dropped into his waistband

He shuffled out of the bathroom as carefully as possible

Your head lolled and hit the frame of the door before he could catch it, but you just gave a little huff

Only two more doors 

He fumbled with your body before he freed one hand to open his door

Laid you gently onto his bed

He thanked god that he washed his boxers that were laying on there earlier today

Brought a blanket and tucked you in

He couldn’t help himself from rubbing his thumb over your bottom lip because he doesn’t have the courage to do it when you’re awake

He’s never seen you asleep before, but he likes how peaceful you look

You’re not rolling your eyes at him or shooing him away

It makes it a little easier to imagine that you could like him

He initially doesn’t hear that you’re mumbling because it’s so quiet

And the blanket’s kinda in your mouth

He moves it away so he can hear you

It still takes you a couple times before you’re coherent

“Mmmmm can I tell you a secret?”

He smiles because the only secret you told him was that his socks smell like the plague

“Of course”

You shift so that you’re curled around him, your hand resting on his thigh

“I like Hobi, but don tell him ‘cause I don think he thinks I’m cute, even though I ammmmm”

He thinks his heart exploded when he saw you push your lower lip out

“And he’s too nice and good for me, but I’m shellfish and wanna be happy, and he makes me so so so so happy”

You blanched when he recited your words over breakfast and painkillers the next morning

He knew you were going to try to deny everything when you went to open your mouth

So he reached over the counter and cupped your cheek

“Be shellfish and let yourself be happy, okay? Because that makes me happy”

“Oh and by the way, very very cute”

You hum when you taste the syrup on his lips

[cozymochi]

Hi! Just curious, what caused your burn out for Dragon Ball?

CURIOUSITY IS FUN! GLAD YOU ASKED: ....I DON’T KNOW. Probably no reason or a variety of factors.

If I could take a guess, probably a lack of external content to keep me interested. Also always being expected to make DB related stuff even when I don’t want to, especially about topics or characters I do not have interest in didn’t help keep me invigorated so much as wear me out.

I did do stuff for it consistently (for the most part) for over 2 years lmao so. I guess things’ll hit eventually.

Maybe I actually rewatched stuff I’d get hype again but I don’t really have the energy to do it right now. Any high I experience in the moment will burn out relatively quickly. (I was SO HYPED when I rewatched Mystical Adventure in the moment the other day, but my hype died out almost immediately after the movie ended)

BUT BUT BUT, I guess it’s important to keep in mind that I have about 4 different main fandom-related “interests” that I always circle back to (thought i had 3, turns out it’s 4). Dragon Ball is one of those 4 main interests that never leave me entirely, but at the moment I have nothing to offer on the table creatively, and nothing is being made either officially or fandom wise that interests me either.

THIS AINT A CASE OF ME NOT LIKING SOMETHING ANYMORE FOR SURE, I STILL LIKE IT i just cannot bring myself to draw it. A least not as often as before. The only times I draw it is when I’m paid to, or if I’m pulling through for friends who are still pretty hype about it even if I’m personally not. (And even with payment, arguably it’s not DB itself that burns me out so much as one certain character i’m always commissioned to draw, and that only hurt my burnout more) I could probably still talk about it if prompted, but I don’t think i’d have much to say.

And this is an aside mainly, Idk if it affected my burnout per se, but I’m pretty sure the tumblr purge wiped out at least most of the niche audience I ended curating with my DB content. So that may have also gave less incentive to do anything. (I liked my audience in my lil’ circle way more than the fandom itself- i try to keep my distance with direct fandom contact these days) Niche audience aside, I feel bad that SO MANY PEOPLE likely only came here for DB stuff thanks to a few popular posts that circulated, and probably were expecting more of that kind of content for just... I dunno. Probably the entire time— and I can’t even deliver on that. The only reason I have over 1k followers is because of that series. And those people probably aren’t too keen on not getting any DB content. So, i’m sorry about that.

AT THE MOMENT IM INDULGING WITH MY NEXT CYCLE and so far I’m having a blast and learning a lot about myself artistically so perhaps I’ll just stick with doing that until further notice. And IF I’m particularly hyped about something that happens to be DB-related, I might show it. (Hell even with what i like right now I’m iffy on dropping anything)

(Don’t think I’ll be touching that fandom directly with a ten-foot pole either. I’ve seen the civil war tier discourse. Not nearly at db or yugioh levels of yikes by a long shot but still deserves a certified yikes. Dare I say, it’s: CRIN—-)

Also. p.s: I wrote this much to kill time because I really wanna leave my painting class lmao SO THANKS FOR SENDING THIS AND GIVING ME A REASON TO KILL 50 MINUTES JFHDGFHFHFG

Being a terrible student aside, I don’t really get asks that are curious about my “state of mind” either, so I actually do appreciate this a lot! 💕 if you actually finished this long winded ramble then YAY!

[sitinthelight]

Maybe I can write until I lose you

Here is another late night/early morning post, straight from my phone.

The sky is no longer a dark navy, it's gradually getting lighter into it's soon to be 7 am in April form and I'm happy to have woken up in my room. I don't know what woke me up, but I've been unable to get back to sleep and I'm honestly not that tired anymore. Maybe when I'm done typing this, I'll just go ahead and start my day.

My room is the only room in the apartment that always has the windows open. I crave and breathe natural light. One of my hesitations when we first opened the door to this apartment nearly two years ago was all of the shade that was provided by the surrounding trees. Zach loved it. He's fine in dim lighting, I hate it.

But my room is always bright, especially in the morning to mid-afternoon.

I woke up to just Cordelia. I'm surprised she picked me to sleep with. She's definitely become his cat. I am a bit jealous of it but to be fair, Oz is completely mine and only bonded to me. That rabbit adores me but doesn't pay much mind to him.

It's April. When it really starts to feel like spring. I can wear skirts and dresses without freezing and it's wonderful. A lot of people consider weather to be small talk, but most days, weather is everything to me. I'm happiest on warm and sunny days. I love the mountains but sometimes I hate that we moved up closer to them. It's colder. The people can be colder. I probably will never be able to move anywhere thats either consistently rainy or cold. I'm fine with that fact of my life.

The morning is getting brighter. Once again, I love existing in my room.

It's quiet, my comforter is warm and soft. I have a scented plug in that smells like warm vanilla. I'm surrounded by my childhood stuffed animals and my crystal collection.

We've officially been together for 5 years. The longest relationship I've been in. I feel a variety of ways about it. I'm holding on out of something I can't explain.

We took a day trip to Asheville. The first time since we moved here. While I enjoyed the trip, I didn't adore it like in the past. We went rock mining and shopping in little niche places. We had a nice lunch in a restaurant I really love there. It was nice and pleasant but the whole time I couldn't shake the feeling of it all being temporary. I've spent the last few evenings polishing some of the new crystals by hand so I can better identify them. I have so many now, I'm probably going to give some away to my coworkers. I love labradorite but I don't need 15 pieces.

At the end of the trip, we received some pretty bad news. His day old nephew died and I was too sad to really speak on the way back. We were told not to reach out to his sister until given the clear. She needs the space. It was her first child. I had to talk Zach out of texting her. His self control is almost non-existent sometimes. It would be different if they were close, but they aren't by any means.

It's been a bad year for his family. In more ways than I'm probably aware of. I've been doing everything to play the role of supportive girlfriend to him and his family. Doing my best to remember birthdays. Sending texts when I find out something's happened. Making time to go to his hometown to visit or suddenly taking off work to see someone in the hospital.

It's been wearing him down mentally. It's been keeping me from feeling comfortable with leaving. I don't have the heart to make someone feel abandoned when life is dealing it's worse. His worst fear is me leaving.

And I like being needed. I don't like being suffocated and not having the space I need to grow, but I do like being appreciated and wanted and that might be why it's hard for me to let this go. I'm not afraid of losing a romance. I'm a gem. I know my worth. I'm confident in my ability in finding love. But I get sick of the thought of losing someone who's been my best friend for the last five years. I've never been more comfortable with someone outside of close family. There's the inside jokes. Having someone to ramble on about nothing to and rant to. He knows my strange preferences and understands that sometimes I'm having a bad day purely because it's raining. He doesn't judge me for anything. I'm unconditionally accepted for the stupid things I do and sometimes the dumb words that come out of my mouth. He pretends the things I have to say aren't mundane or boring. I don't have to overthink or think much at all when I say something to him. I know this level of comfort comes with a long term relationship. But I have such a difficult time connecting with people because I struggle so much socially when it comes to making and keeping friends. I am afraid of never finding this kind of comfort again, and yes, my fear isn't necessarily rational but it is reasonable. It's valid. It shouldn't be whats making me hold on, but it is. I'm not ready to feel that emptiness, that miserable void.

In the past, I filled it with religion and hobbies. I think this time around, I'll fill it with myself. Improving myself. Being the best possible version of me that there is.

It takes me so long to type. I enjoy the ability to think things out before the words have to escape my fingertips. I'll forever be a better writer than I am a conversationalist. I'm not forced to think of how I need to respond to someone else. Sometimes, the biggest reason I miss school is writing essays. I was a huge procrastinator but I either loved or didn't mind writing essays and papers. Page requirements were never a problem for me. I am really good at rambling on about anything if I can write about it or type it.

Part of me wants to go back and study to be a paleontologist. Besides working for NASA, that was my dream job as a kid. I loved space and I loved dinosaurs. I went into high school with dreams of being an engineer for NASA but I let math get the best of me. It still gets the best of me. I need to figure out how to get tested, but I'm very suspicious that I may have dyscalculia. I've been doing some obsessive research after finding out that it is a thing and most of the "symptoms" describe every struggle I've had with math since middle school. It would explain how awful I am with time management. Why I have such a difficult time doing math in my head. How I keep switching numbers around when I say them out loud or even when I try to write them down. It almost makes me mad. Because what if I do have this learning disability? I will never be able to get back those bad grades or years I've spent struggling

[ahoibabsi]

Fingerprints in the ashes

Summary: In an illegal underground clinic Ayase treats murderers, thieves and villains. She tries to keep her job from interfering with her private life, saving money for her care-dependent mother and studying medicine officially one day. She doesn’t know how deep she will be engulfed in darkness as she decides to help one particular man with a stitched up face and a wicked grin - the League of Villain’s Dabi.

Chapter 1

 “We get the monsters we deserve.” – Marcus Sedgwick

Ayase padded the sensible spot where surgical staples connected the bruised tissue with intact skin. The young men didn’t move and said nothing. It wasn’t his first time here.

As far as Ayase knew his name was Dabi and he was a murderer using his flame quirk to kill. He was definitely eye catching. Tall and slender, with muscles showing now and then beneath his baggy shirts.

His hair was black as coal, his eyes turquoise blue almost as scorching as his fire. But the most striking were probably the dark red, almost violet scraps of scarred skin that ran over his whole body. Under his eyes, on his chin, along his neck and up to the ears. Covering his arms down to his wrists, as well as his lower legs and a few patches on his back.

He stapled the burnt skin with silver rings, attaching it to the rest of him. More silver rings to be found on his ears and starting from his lower lip down the chin. In his right nostril he had three more small silver piercings. Maybe he got used to all kinds of pain, during his life.

He never flinched, when Ayase stitched some stabbing wounds oder tended to his burnt skin. It would’ve been better if he stopped using his quirk, becaused it seemed to take a toll on his body, but for an active villain it was probably out of question.

Ayase put some more disinfectant on the pad and took his other arm. It must’ve been about three or four weeks since he first stumbled into the clinic with a heavily bleeding gunshot wound to the shoulder and a lot of light burns all over his body.

Even though he seemed to have somewhat listened to her angry tirade back then - since he followed her advice and showed up more often - he didn’t talk much. A mysterious man.

With the mere touch of her hand on his body she could monitor his body functions, her quirk, that had greatly aided her in becoming a doctor. Well almost. Since she never studied medicine officially and worked at an illegal doctor’s office in the basement of a gourmet food store. His heartbeat was calm, his blood values good, just his temperature was always a little high.

Maybe the slight fever was another side effect of his quirk. She’d only seen the blue flames once but the news kept rambling about the league of villains and All Might’s victory over All for One.

Dabi was there too, Ayase knew that much. But she didn’t talk to him about it, even though she felt a little curious. It was just the wrong business to chat with the customers. All of them had a reason for coming here to the „Takenoko” instead of going to a regular hospital.

Then again the calm Dabi was one of her more likeable clients. A lot of the regular patients were still offended by her presence since Dr. Takehashi employed her two years ago and gave her more and more responsibilities. He was nearing his 60s, his eyesight worsening, his hands becoming more shaky, even though he was still competent and with a clear mind. But taking out bullets or sawing severed limbs back onto the body, any time during day and night, was getting to him.

So Ayase had quickly been promoted from assistant to doctor when he noticed she was talented enough and willing to learn. Even though he was objectively speaking corrupt, providing health for cash and saving villains, murderers and scoundrels without reporting them, he stuck to the hippocratic oath. He was always proud about his successful treatmets, about the save lives. Some might think of him as a money-grubbing charlatan, but he had found his niche. He would also treat poor ones in return of favors which consisted of various things from reparing things to cooking to buying things with a fake ID.

Deep down he was a kindhearted man, ready to heal everyone without questioning who they were. Ayase somehow admired his philosophy. And she was glad that he didn’t want her to take „unnecessary” organs out of anesthesized clients.

Still, she wished for Dabi to talk a bit more. If he opened his mouths he usually mocked her oder tried to provoke her. Today he seemed to give her the cold shoulder again, so she quickly finished the procedure and threw the pads in the trash can. Then she went to one of the cupboards searching for a cooling ointment and painkillers.

Dabi observed the blond doctor rummaging around the metallic cabinets. She wore a white coat over her plain black clothes. He didn’t know much about her, just her fake name „Dr. Takeda” from her name tag and that she was slowly working more and more shifts in Dr. Takehashi’s office. A strict old geezer surprisingly good at his job who would always give unasked advice.

But since this young female worked here, Dabi found himself taking more time to get his wounds checked. But maybe it was just because he fought more since he joined the league of villains. Now in his search for new recruits he clashed with others even more frequently. He roamed the streets at night looking for trouble and people with strong resolve and powers who would align with his goals.

Lately he only stumbled upon small fries, spineless punks and brainless thugs. It was nice to get some fuel for his fire, taking out his frustration, but he got hit more often than he’d liked to admit. But being treated by this cute little doctor - or whatever title she went by as she was quite young, probably in her early twenties - wasn’t so bad.

Dabi noticed how pale she was when she didn’t wear make up, dark bags under her eyes that made even Dabi raise his eyebrows. Her short blonde hair was mostly tied back. She looked at him from big brown eyes that were peeking over her surgical mask.

Her touch was tender and soft, her long slender fingers swift and skillful. Unfortunately the white coat hid her curves that could one could only guess when she bended down.

„Do you have a permanent residence?”, she asked and assembled a few things on the countertop. „Do I look like I have one?”, he snapped back.

She threw him a stern glance over her shoulder. Dabi smirked. What a cold, strict person she was. She didn’t seem to have any humor. If he tried to flirt with her she would probably cut his throat with a scalpel. So no playing doctor for him. It was for the better anyways, keeping to drunken One Night Stands that wouldn’t remember what hit them the following day.

„I was thinking you could get yourself an Aloe Vera. It’s juices have a cooling effect, similar to the ointment. Plus, it regrows and costs less than the medicine I’m prescribing you all the time. Since it’s a succulent it doesn’t need that much attention.”

She waved with a tube of ointment.

„How thoughtful of you, Doc. I’ll head right over to a garden center to get one. I’m sure the clerks will be glad to help me with my choice. Maybe gardening could help me becoming a more honest citizen, what do you think?”, he answered with a sarcastic grin.

The doctor frowned and handed him the ointment and the blister with the painkillers, before taking off her surgical mask. Her lips were curled into some form of a smile.

„I could give you a sprig if you want to give it a try”, she said and gestured towards some miserable potted plants on top of the shelves. Down here in the cellar they’d rarely get any sunlight.

Only a small row of glass bricks let some natural light illuminate the sterile room that looked more like a morgue than a doctor’s office.

„Anyways”, she continued, „Take one of the painkillers tonight before going to bed. As for the ointment you should apply it in the morning and in the evening. And ideally right after using your quirk. It’ll help with the cooling and the healing process of your skin.”

He nodded sluggishly, put his medicine into his pocket and grabbed some bank notes. The ends were a little charred at the edges. The doctor took the cash and shook her head grinning.

„Why do I feel like I’ll see you again soon?”, she asked picking on the charred corners of the yen bills. Dabi put his coat back on and headed for the door, giving her a devilish glance over his shoulder.

„Don’t confuse your wet dreams with reality” Her cheeks flushed and her eyes widened to his delight, but she was unexpectedly quick to snap back.

„That’s rich coming from the guy who’s blood pressure rises unnaturally the second I touch him.”

Dabi was taken aback for a second. So she was hiding some sense of humour beneath her ice queen looks. He found himself grinning the whole way back to the league’s current hideout. ~READ ON~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20664704/chapters/49074581

[thepermanentrainpress]

THE PERMANENT RAIN PRESS INTERVIEW WITH SCREAMING AT TRAFFIC

Winnipeg’s Screaming at Traffic is known in their local music scene for their energetic and chaotic live shows. We covered their debut EP S.A.T., released in June, a bold four-track that fuses punk rock, grunge and hardcore notes. Comprised of vocalists and guitarists Jacques Richer and Duncan Murta, bassist Paul Colman and drummer Stefan St. Godard, the band of longtime friends are poised for a big year.

You released your EP, S.A.T., in June. For those who haven’t heard it yet, what is your pitch to potential listeners?

S.A.T. is a collection of the first songs we wrote as Screaming at Traffic. It’s lo-fi emo punk through and through. We wanted to get something out right away, so we teamed up with a friend of ours, Stefan Smith, and recorded it in our house over a weekend. We really wanted to capture our energy and I think Stefan did a great job of getting that out of us.

Is your sound still evolving?

I would say it has evolved since the EP, but a lot of the same elements are still there. Our newer content is still fast and loud, but is maybe a bit more refined? Or at least more focused at this point. Most bands evolve their sound as they progress and I don’t think we’re an exception.

What’s the songwriting process like for your band? Is it very collaborative?

It is. Duncan and I are the primary song writers for the band, so one of us will bring a sort of bare bones structure and lyrics for a song to the band, and from there everyone builds their parts. Paul (bassist) and Stefan (drummer) do a lot of producing after we nail down our parts. They add dynamics to the songs that Duncan and I bring to the table. We’re also always looking for each others’ opinions on whether or not each one of us is playing something that fits the song well, or if maybe something one of us is doing is a bit too flashy for a certain part. We’re definitely very open with each other during the process.

S.A.T. by Screaming at Traffic

The high energy in your music transitions well to your live shows. What do you enjoy most about performing in front of people? What’s your favourite concert you’ve played to-date?

I’ll answer the concert question first. I think to-date one of my favourite shows was a local one in Winnipeg. I had set it up with two other fantastic local bands - Fox Lake and Sit Calm - and I was really looking forward to playing it. We showed up for it and before the first band had even played the bar had almost entirely filled up. By the time the end of the night rolled around, about 200 hundred people had been through the doors. Now this venue we were playing is a 100, maybe 120 cap? So everyone is just shoulder to shoulder, and the second we started playing the crowd just erupted. It had been one of our like, first ten local shows, and it was crazy to see how many people showed up, and wanted to check us out alongside these two great bands. It was very humbling to say the least.

As for my favourite part about performing, I just love putting on a high energy show. I’ve always been a huge fan of bands going crazy on stage. I remember seeing live videos when I was younger of bands like Moneen, Black Flag, and Bad Brains (the list goes on), and they’re all just going bonkers. I’ve always thought the band should be enjoying it at least as much as a spectator, if not more. Energy is contagious, and you can definitely see it in the crowd when you’re jumping around having a ball.

You just kicked off your Western Canadian Tour. What are you looking forward to on this run of dates?

An easy answer to this question is absolutely everything. For some specifics, it’ll be the first time we’ve ever played the west coast, so I’m excited to be in Vancouver and Victoria, and all the rest of the BC dates. In Victoria, we’re actually teaming up with local college station CFUV to do a live on-air performance for their Pledge Drive on Thursday March 22nd. We’ve done stuff like that here at home and it’s always a blast. I’m also excited to see/play with a bunch of bands we met on our last tour in October. We got to be pretty good buds with a lot of them, so it’ll also be sweet to see them as well. Oh, and of course our St. Patrick's Day show in Calgary should be insane.

You performed at Timfest, a benefit show for Tim Tkachyk, in February. How important was it for you to play and show your support for Tim?

It was really important for all of us to be involved. We actually didn’t know Tim super well prior to the benefit, but the people putting the show together contacted us and told us that he and his wife would love to have us on the bill. I think it’s important to give back to your community, and give back to people who support you as a band or musician. I mean, we have a unique opportunity as a band to use our (very minimal) influence to help people and/or the community. I think to a certain extent it’s kind of our responsibility to use that in a productive and positive way. In this case it was being able to perform and bring a couple people out to raise money for a great guy in our scene. For a fun fact, Tim works at a music store in Winnipeg, and he was actually the one who sold me my current guitar.

You chart on CKUW and CJSR. Community radio is so important to build a local (and Canadian!) music scene, how much has their support meant to you?

Man, if it wasn’t for community radio, I don’t know where we’d be. They’re so committed to giving local, smaller, and more niche bands a public platform and it’s honestly just awesome. It’s amazing to have the support of the stations. I know a number of us have been involved in pledge drives in other projects as well as in Screaming at Traffic.

Aside from being band members, you are long-time friends. What are your favourite activities to do outside of music?

We pretty much do everything together, honestly. We all have the same group of friends, so we see each other all the time. We try and get together to play DnD whenever our schedules allow it. We also try and make it to some music festivals. Most years Duncan, Paul, and I camp together at the Winnipeg Folk Festival. Honestly, most weekends you can find at least three out of the four us together, hanging out, listening to music, having a couple drinks, and going to shows.

Do you ever face challenges working together musically? If so, how do you overcome them?

We don’t ever really run into a ton of challenges working together. We’re usually on the same page, and when we’re not we’re pretty diplomatic about it. We give everything a chance and decide as a group whether something is the right musical choice for a song. The only issue we ever seem to run into is communication between members sometimes when trying to describe what we’re looking for, but all of us are pretty good at “translating” at least one other member’s thoughts to the rest of the band.

For someone that has not visited Winnipeg before, what are your go-to places for tourists?

Honestly the best thing someone coming to Winnipeg can do is look up the local music scene and see what’s happening. There are a TON of great bands coming out of Winnipeg, and every weekend there is a ton of shows. I’d list some names of bands to look for, but there’s almost too many to count and I wouldn’t wanna risk leaving anyone out. The Forks also has a pretty sweet skatepark if it’s nice out.

What are your plans for the rest of 2018?

Well, we haven’t officially announced anything yet, but we have been working on a bunch of new material that we’re gonna be debuting on tour. When we get back to Winnipeg, we’re gonna be starting pre-production for an album that we’re super excited about. We’re also gonna continue playing shows locally, and gonna try and make it out of the province for a few more shows before we release the new album. We’ve got a couple exciting gigs that we’re gonna be announcing in the coming months so keep an eye out for it!

______________________________________________________________

Thanks to Jacques of Screaming at Traffic for taking the time to answer our questions! Visit https://www.facebook.com/screamingattraffic/ to stay updated with their new music, tour dates, and fun shenanigans. Catch Screaming at Traffic live in Vancouver on Friday, March 23rd at Stylus Records with The Jins, The Rambling Derelicts, Young Lovers, and Wander. 

Find details and RSVP on Facebook.

Photo credit to: Mike Sudoma