#i want to live through romantic tension and i want to torture someone by accepting their offer of a shoulder massage and then

[one-unabashed-fish-less]

if i don't get a shoulder massage in the next 10 seconds i'm gonna explode

[reeeyachi]

Thoughts: KilluGon Confession, Gon’s Emotional Control

Okay, so, this is a follow up post to my response/reaction/emotions on Tele’s post about KilluGon potentially canon explicit romantic confession. (Her detailed explanation was wonderful and beautiful and excellent, I just wanted to make a separate post on my thoughts because my brain is screaming into the void rn.)

Ok disclaimer: I’m working with the remainder of my caffeinated braincells right now so everything I say will be 100% subjective and just *thoughts* aka *mush*.

So…

I’ve also had/believed this headcanon that Gon fell first since I started watching hxh years ago because it’s too obvious, right? Tbh, I never thought of Killua being gay for Gon until recently (like 8 months ago-recently) because it’s always Gon who’s explicit about his thoughts on Killua. It’s too obvious. We could never miss it. So him confessing his love for him would make so much sense. Everything falls into place in my head.

Lea said some really good stuff about Killua’s character arc and how it sends a positive message to all the readers and everyone who identifies with him, a child who suffered from years of abuse. And him receiving love, accepting it and giving it in return would complete his growth process (I’m basically just summarizing here; please read Tele’s post they’re much more comprehensive and well-written).

A dramatic romantic confession to happen in canon would be the one to seal it – from Gon, a complete stranger he randomly met at the Hunter Exam, the first person to call him a friend, the person who went out of his way to save him from his family’s tortures, the boy who accepted him for who he is, wholly, unconditionally.

It would change everything. It would end past traumas.

Not only Killua’s, but also Gon’s.

Please allow me to lay down my 4am thoughts about what I think confessing his feelings for Killua would mean for Gon as well (with regard to his own character arc and self-worth issues).

Okay so before I go into that I want to try and explain how “confessing love” feels like / what it means to the person SAYING it. It’s nerve-racking. The tension. The pressure on your shoulders. The block in your throat. Your shaky hands. Your shaky voice. The fear of getting rejected. The fear of saying the wrong words or doing the wrong thing. The fear of jumping into the unknown. It’s a leap of faith. An ending and/or a beginning. It’s that line you cross where you can never go back. Once the words are said, BAM, it stays forever, and the very thought of that, the anxiety, the overthinking, nips at your brain.

The very thought of confessing to a person you like/love FOR THE FIRST TIME is fucking terrifying (Idk about you, but it is to me. And I feel like, for TEENAGERS, it would feel like hell’s pulling them to the earth’s core. Just. The thought of it.)

What I’m trying to say here is that, expressing genuine *romantic* feelings takes courage. And in this headcanon, with Gon being the one to SAY IT FIRST, he would probably go through all of these. But him being ABLE to say it would mean MORE THAN overcoming a fear of expressing. “But Gon doesn’t have any problems expressing his emotions.” Actually, you’re not wrong. But, for me, this isn’t exactly right.

Let’s jump first to me explaining my take on how Gon handles emotions:

For me, Gon has a hard time expressing what’s in his heart. Idk how to explain, but it’s just that, it’s so easy for him to say what’s on his mind all the time. But he has a tendency of neglecting negative emotions and hiding his true feelings; or letting himself feel it for a while but then he finds something that would make him forget about it. We’ve seen him breakdown. Emotions. Just piled up. And he exploded.

He said some bad things to Killua, he did some bad stuff. It’s all in the heat of the moment. And for me, I see it as lack of emotional control (bc he’s 12 and has abandonment issues and witnessed his father-figure severe his arm and basically dead in front of him give him a break YOU BREAKDOWN AND SAY BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE AT 23Y/O DO NOT DENY IT) because he doesn’t know HOW to control it when it gets to him.

He’s afraid that he might break. And in effect, he would feel weak and helpless and useless. (Or even vice versa.)

Gon, unknowingly, protects himself from breaking by inserting the good things in his head. He protects himself from feeling useless by lending a helping hand, because he feels that he’s valuable that way; he feels that he’ll be loved and validated that way. He’d feel that he has purpose. It happens to people, which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it’s something that Gon could learn how to cope up with as he grows and matures.

(Read Tele’s wonderful meta about Gon Freecss here. I haven’t finished reading but I’m loving every bit of it so far.)

Ok back to the confession take:

Having said that, I feel that Gon would find it difficult to express what it is he’s feeling in his heart. But here we have to recognize the fact that Togashi threw him back in Whale Island, nen-less and Killua-less, doing homework and chores and good ‘ol Islander stuff. The beauty of this interval is that it would give him MORE TIME and the SPACE and PEACE he needs to get into his head and heart and just think everything through, learn how to deal with his emotions. Since he already experienced a peak of his emotional catastrophe at 12y/o, he would look back at everything and just… realize what it is that he has to.

Part of it is his feelings for you-know-who catboy. <3

And he wants to tell him. I also think that he would want something to happen after telling him. But, he doesn’t know if or how he could say it freely, unlike before when they were stargazing and he suddenly told him that he happy when he’s with Killua. At that time, it was a spur of the moment; at that time, him and Killua haven’t experienced the trauma that is CAA; at that time, it was simple. But now? How could Gon face him and tell him that he loves Killua after everything that had happened? Something would hold him back. He would hesitate. Something like…

So, again, him being able to say it (for me) would mean so much more than a simple get-together. Here’s a short list because I love lists!

Self-discovery and self-affirmation. You know how we see Gon as this sunshine boy who just wants to follow his dad’s footsteps to try and figure out what being a hunter is like / what’s great about being a hunter that Ging chose to not stay with him. At the present timeline, he already met Ging, he fulfilled his goal. What would he do now? What does he truly want? For me, him knowing that he *loves* someone dearly and *wants* to stay with that person would mean that he’s discovering which path he intends to go, for the long-term, and that sticking with that plan by expressing what he feels would simply affirm this self-discovery. It’s kind of related to that post by Tele here, of Gon following a path that’s not his dad’s footsteps. He’d have his own thing. He’d be his own person. Confessing your true feelings to your BEST FRIEND in the whole world would be a BIG STEP and Gon should know that it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a very mature thing to do! When this becomes canon, idk, I’d cry because I’d be so proud of him for realizing what he feels, taking that emotion carefully and maturely, and expressing it lovingly – which brings me to my next point.

Being open to give and accept love again. Emphasize on the “again” because he went through a traumatic episode in his young life. You know that saying that you can never give what you don’t have? Well, folks, I think this is also applicable to Gon’s character now, like, after CAA, and after everything basically. We always see him giving love to OTHERS. Do we see him give love to himself? Gon endures pain and suffering because he thought it’s what he deserved. He’s willing to die in his best friend’s place so that he’d live. He’s willing to die to atone for something he didn’t even do. Gon needed to love himself. He had to learn how to take care of himself. You can never give a love you don’t have – so him dropping everything and professing his love for Killua would also mean that he DID it, finally. He’d have so much love for himself to give. He’d be ready to give all the love he stored for himself, and I think that’s really pretty.

Overcoming past trauma / getting back up on his feet. Having said all those, it all boils down to overcoming and ending past trauma – everything – because it would be a start of something new and fresh and beautiful. It would be a beginning of a new world for him, bright, spotless, unadulterated. When you fall in love, everything falls into place somehow, and all you see are beautiful things. I think this is meaningful because, while he’d seen beautiful things, Gon experienced abandonment, he experienced trauma and all the awful things we saw so far. So, with this confession happening, this new beginning, he’d look at the world with brand new eyes, he’d look at Killua, and think that it’s not so bad after all, because he’d have this overflowing love stored in his heart. It would cancel out the bad. He’d have another reason to live and stay alive. He’d have that one thing he wants more than any material thing – and that is love and happiness. Confessing is a choice. And by doing it, Gon chooses love and happiness over any material thing he wished to hunt.

I don’t know if that made sense but there! lol This might be reaching but just imagine the symbolism. It would mean so much. <3

[livlepretre]

Ooh, let’s talk character interpretation! I have two questions, but they are both long, so I am going to do them in separate asks.

1.) I’m of the opinion that The Originals portrayed Klaus as a father in a way that doesn’t line up with how he actually is. I think that had more to do with the fact that it was a CW show, and they wanted a redemption arc for the character. Obviously they weren’t going to go for anything that could be misconstrued as actual child abuse- I.e verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. How do you think that Klaus with a child would actually be? Elena would protect her children at all costs, so I know she would take care of any problem she saw arising with Klaus’s parenting skills, but let’s for arguments sake say that Elena and her survival skills don’t factor into this. Klaus grew up dealing with every type of child abuse in the book. Her was demeaned, belittled, and physically beaten, and we know this is what started his psychological issues. I totally agree with your FE interpretation of the Mikaelson incest problem and the fact that it all stems from Klaus and his power issues. He wants to control Rebekah because he wants her to stay and love him above all and manupulation through sex factors into that. Sadly, this dynamic is a problem in the real world, and is extremely unhealthy, vile, and illegal—especially because Rebekah is around a decade his junior and permanently stuck in the mindset of a teenage girl (side note: I remember in FE, Rebekah says she gave her virginity to him. I’d love to hear your take on how that line was crossed and how many years after they had become vampires that this happened. It is certainly a moral line that is hard to cross, although they were born in the 10th century.) Klaus also won’t hestitate to hurt his family emotionally and physically when they upset him whether this is killing their loved ones or daggering them. I guess I just want to know if you think Klaus-who remembers being an abused child- would ever continue this pattern of behavior with a child of his own and if so, would there be lines he would refuse to cross? I feel like he wouldn’t intentionally start out doing abusive things (like how he didn’t immediately start abusiving his sibilings), but once he loses his temper and does something once, the lines of what he is willing to do get blurry. He’s definitely not a stable individual and is a creature of habit- especially when he starts to feel as though he isn’t being respected or when he gets ignored from those he wants to love him. Finally, do you think there would be a huge difference between Klaus raising a boy or girl? We saw how Marcel turned out (also, the dynamic between Rebekah and Marcel when she started out as an Aunt figure and turned into a romantic partner is something that I feel like was strange and very Klebekah in the 1920s weird where it was clearly there but no one ever chose to expand on it or even mention it in the narrative? But I digress!), and Klaus is clearly threatened by the fact that Marcel grew up and was able to take over Nola despite the fact that Marcel was just doing what Klaus taught him. He sees Marcel as a threat, but if he had a daughter, I feel like he would end up treating her sort of in a Rebekah like manner where she isn’t ever really viewed as a threat, just a girl throwing a trantrum. Idk, there is just so much to think about here and immortality definitely screws with your perception of what’s okay and what isn’t. I’m very curious to see how you think all this would play out long term.

You’re spoiling me with these questions and I pretty much agree with your thoughts on Klaus’s general fucked-uppery. 

I’ve put a great deal of thought into “Klaus as a parent,” both because of the show, and because of ficcish things. I think he’s acutely aware of all of the ways that his own father failed him, and so he would be actively really determined to have the kind of relationship with his own child that he never had with his father. His intentions there would be good, and probably better than his intentions with his siblings, since a child is a more direct extension of himself, but the question would be whether he is actually capable of being a good parent. It’s true that victims of childhood abuse often end up tragically rehashing the same patterns with their own children, but it’s equally true that many are able to break the cycle. I tend to think that Klaus would actually be exceptionally good with his children while they were still children. He shows in canon that he was very good with talking to Marcel and making him feel valued when he was a little boy still-- Klaus empathizes very well with children, and I think while he has tremendous difficulty understanding the emotions of others, at least when they are not mirrors of how he would feel, his own experiences of feeling neglect and belittlement and fear as a child would guide him in how to make a child feel loved, heard, special, etc. And of course, a child is able to give a parent the sort of unconditional, center-of-the-universe love that Klaus craves. The problem would come about in the transition from childhood to adolescence. His problems with Marcel, for example, stem from Marcel becoming a young man with ambitions and interests of his own-- no longer idolizing Klaus, no longer his shadow and perfect companion, but instead someone testing boundaries and breaking away. 

How Klaus handles a teenage and later an adult child is a more complicated question. Yes, I think he would ultimately have an easier time with a female child, because Klaus is a misogynist and could therefore slip into a familiar dynamic of treating that child as a pet-- he could shower her with gifts and affection and never take her too seriously, much like Rebekah. A boy would inevitably grow into a rival, I think... or, almost inevitably. Whether or not the son even construes himself as a rival would be irrelevant if Klaus decides he’s a rival. It’s that same problem as with Marcel all over again-- if he stays by Klaus’s side, it’s not an issue, but if he pursues his own life... The son thing is also hard, because that son would inevitably be, to Klaus, a direct reflection of himself, and I’m convinced that Klaus would desire nothing more than to create the kind of father/son relationship he badly desired... and so the expectations and pressures would be tremendous for a boy. 

There’s a big question to address along the lines of: would Klaus treat his adolescent/adult children the way he treats his siblings? It seems to me like the essential difference between sibling vs child relationships would be that Klaus, an actual narcissist, would inevitably see his children as extensions of himself, whereas his siblings each represent the greatest threats to his ego, his power, and his image of himself. He therefore exerts control over them, especially Rebekah, who is the easiest for him to control (as both the youngest and the only female, and also, since she is the most insecure and I would argue traumatized of all of them). He’s high-handed to the extreme, daggering them whenever he so chooses, therefore controlling whether they even get to actually live, deciding on which lovers are acceptable for Rebekah (and sometimes his brothers), dragging them all over the planet, lying to them all for centuries on end... the list goes on. There’s a lot of interpersonal violence there, but I would say that the one line he never crosses is that he never kills them-- because in his head he’s justified it as “I’m daggering this sibling for their own good” etc etc. (It’s interesting also to note that his siblings would be just as fast to dagger him should the opportunity arise.) Would he have the same need to exert his dominance over his children? Because, as father, his power over them is the natural order of things (especially in his medieval head). Whereas, amongst his siblings, yes, he’s the most special, but he’s also the third son and suffers from middle child syndrome, so it’s more about wresting power from the rest of them. Never underestimate how deeply medieval the thinking of each of the Originals is-- things like birth order definitely matter, and that’s definitely part of Klaus’s familial chaos. 

The strongest point of tension I could predict between Klaus and his children would be at the point when they are old enough to wish to exert their independence from him as individuals. I question whether Klaus would ever see that though, or be able to let them go. I think there could be an inevitable slide into methods of control-- lying “for their own good,” killing a daughter’s suitors to keep her from leaving the nest... no matter what, he would probably prefer for his child to find interests that kept them close to him. 

In terms of physical violence, I’m up in the air about that. It’s possible he could lose his temper and strike out at a child-- although, the more I think about it, the more I think that’s not how he lashes out so I don’t think that would be the issue. He daggers his siblings a lot but we don’t see him torturing them physically (I don’t think? I could just be blanking). There are times when they come to blows, but we see that with Damon and Stefan all the time... and that might just be a vampire thing in general. Most of what he does to them is really psychological torture/abuse and when he does have a violent fit, he tends to take it out on  those around the object of his furor, like every single one of Rebekah’s lovers whom he murders, or Katerina’s family. What would be the equivalent of daggering that he could do to his child? Lock him up in a dungeon? (lol if it’s Elena’s child, GOOD LUCK.) Maybe some other threat to hold over their heads? This would be totally situational though. I think he would be deeply regretful of ever striking his child (doesn’t entirely mean he wouldn’t, in the heat of the moment), but could justify other methods like imprisonment pretty easily. 

I think that just leaves the last awful stone to turn over: the incest. I don’t even know what to say about the Mikaelsons other than that there is definitely an incest issue in that whole family--  but especially with Klaus and Rebekah-- and honestly at this point Rebekah’s incest vibe with Marcel just sells their relationships to me even more. Of course she’s transposed that fucked-uppery onto Marcel. Like you mentioned above, and like I’ve developed in Fairytale Ending, Klaus’s incest with Rebekah is definitely a power thing with him-- he’s not in love with Rebekah, but she is his special favorite-- and part of that is that she’s the sibling he can control, through sexual dominance and appealing to her abandonment issues and insecurities (in a wild feedback loop with his own abandonment issues and insecurities). It’s awfully telling that the only lover he actually lets her have is Stefan... because Stefan is so clearly also his lover. (And that when faced with Rebekah x Marcel, he chose to dagger her and shelve the issue of oh no! I can’t kill my son! until it was no longer an issue) 

Personally, I don’t think there would be any parent/child incest issues with Klaus-- his incest problems don’t stem directly from his parent/child trauma, and we never get a hint of incest between him and Marcel, so, at least we can breathe a sigh of relief in this one facet of Klaus-as-father--  but I do think if he were to have multiple children he would be very suspicious of them and very hunted by the idea of their incest. 

I think that sums up my thoughts on Klaus as a parent/the possible ways he would fuck it up? 

I do think there’s a possibility it could go well-- obviously I daydream most about what a Klaus x Elena parent team would look like, which might actually work. As you said, Elena would cut any nonsense out right away. But also, I think that Elena is a true equal for Klaus, and one of the things about finding a real equal is that it lends itself to partnership-- which is what Klaus would need in a co-parent. Someone who could balance him and strengthen the parts of him that could be good at being a parent. His siblings definitively did not do that-- Elijah wasn’t interested enough, and Rebekah is ultimately too immature-- but Elena has a shot. So, despite all the ways it could go to non-proverbial hell in a handbasket, I think with the right circumstances-- a partner who would voluntarily choose to stay at his side, for example, thus eliminating so much of his neediness and extenuating control issues-- he could deal with that shift from child to adolescent to adult much better, and that foundation of a very strong parent/child relationship during the first decade or so could really help Klaus and his child’s relationship withstand any later turbulence. (Also, with Elena around as a co-parent, I kind of think instead of grooming a child to be some sort of feudal lord who could become a threat to Klaus’s sphere of power, she would encourage her kid to be... like... a veterinarian or something normal. And having that strong female role model would also go a long way toward forcing Klaus to give up his “over-bearing father to my precious jewel of a daughter” schtick....) So maybe my actual stance is “Klaus would be a terrible single-father, but he might be okay if he’s not the only parent in the picture/he has an adult meeting and grappling with his issues in a long-term committed relationship” 

(I think the final you asked about were my thoughts on Rebekah/Klaus in the FE timeline, which is basically just my headcanon in general... so, to start off, I don’t think the incest would have ever happened had they remained human. I think it’s a direct result of the trauma and psychosis they all experience from their transformations into vampires, which reifies all the problems they had as humans and exponentially makes it worse. And also, like you said, immortality seriously fucks with concepts of right vs wrong. Like, part of what’s wild is that nowhere in the canon does it say that vampires have to be monsters... it’s just that needing human blood to survive quickly turns into hunting humans, which turns into a psychological barrier between the vampire and humans... which eventually transforms them into monsters, callous, cold, playing with their food, hunting humans for sport, arbitrarily pulling them apart because they’re bored. So, becoming a vampire doesn’t instantly make one into a monster, but it does seem to inevitably precipitate becoming one down the line, and it’s just a matter of how fast the vampire arrives at that destination. To get back to the incest question, my thought was that the Originals would be already well down that road-- years past the death of their mother and fleeing their father, living as savages enslaved to their appetites and their flights of fancy, when that shift would occur between Klaus and Rebekah. Because by that point, what can possibly still be taboo? They’d already divorced themselves from their humanity, their inherent sense of “right” vs “wrong,” certainly any cultural understanding of it, so thoroughly that the barrier between sibling and lover must have felt thin and insubstantial as a bit of mist. I’m sure they were gradually heading that way for a while-- Klaus probably clung to Rebekah hardest of all, and Rebekah was so traumatized that telling the difference between different kinds of love would have been truly difficult. When I think about how long this might have taken, I imagine probably only about a decade-- long enough that it wasn’t immediate (they were still young, and time would have still passed at a human rate for them), but not long that Rebekah would have a chance to really start looking at all the men who might be potential lovers for her. It’s possible in fact that her interest in a human man could have precipitated Klaus changing things up with her. (And it’s very much explicitly about Klaus wanting to be #1 with Rebekah-- I think he slept with Tatia Petrova as a human, and I think he was sleeping around a good deal-- probably in a lot of gruesome ways, actually-- in that time before Rebekah became his lover.) What’s interesting to me here is that none of the other siblings-- especially Elijah, because Kol is shifty as fuck-- ever seemed to object. They just... accepted it? Rolled with it? That, to me, really demonstrates how deeply screwed up they all are.) 

[schoolfullofmorons]

petey lowkey having a crush on gary for a long time bc hes a pretty bad boy, but it takes some actual therapy and a small reunion for gary to feel some actual LONGING to have petey in his life again. he becomes surprisingly soft and supportive, in his own way, with their renewed friendship, and it takes jimmy casually promising to kick his ass if he messes up with petey for gary to realize he might actually have developed some romantic feelings for their friend. cue panic and breathing exercises

July, 2007.

Here he stood, on the threshold of hell on Earth, about to talk to Satan himself, and he still wasn't ready to run.

Well, maybe that wasn't entirely accurate. Pete Kowalski, rising junior of Bullworth Academy, was very prepared to run from the menace that had tortured him last year. Gary Smith, the mentally unstable asylum patient, waited for him just on the other side of this door.

His palms had grown hot with sweat, and he nervously wiped them off on his clean, ironed jeans. Pete hated having generalized anxiety disorder. It made him nervous even about this, even about coming here, which was literally his own choice to begin with. The thought of facing his once best friend filled him with a mounting dread that made his throat burn with the urge to cry.

But Pete wanted this. He was determined to get the answers he wanted, because Jimmy and him had been fucked over. And Jimmy might have brushed his hands of Gary, Jimmy might have decided that he was done caring, but Jimmy wasn't Pete and Pete cared way too much. He needed to know why Gary had ditched them, betrayed them, left them to rot. He wanted to know the cause of all this.

And, deep down, maybe he missed Gary, too.

He had been standing there too long, staring at the door. Pete knew if he didn't act soon, the orderly that had trailed behind him would get annoyed. Licking his lips and swallowing down his own anxiety, he pushed open the door, letting the orderly shut it behind him.

And there he was, the mastermind himself.

Gary was so... different, in here, but in reality he still looked like a Smith. All sharp jawlines and piercing stares. When Gary rose his head to look at him, hair that was growing slightly shabby due to a month of no cuts falling into his face, Pete felt his heart skip a beat.

And then a grin passed over his face, his eyes lighting up with genuine joy. He launched himself off of the small white cot all asylum patients had been provided, and sauntered over to Pete with slow, calculated steps. Too proud and too arrogant for someone who was incarcerated.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? Did Petey Kowalski decide to pay lil' ol' me a visit? The big, bad, awful wolf, Gary Smith?" Gary's words cut into him, and Pete felt the urge to wipe his hands off on his jeans again. His friend's eyes bore into him.

Why'd you do it? Was the question that sat on Pete's tongue, but instead he cleared his throat and avoided Gary's eyes. "I... wanted to check up on you. Y'know, see how you were holding up."

"Oh, look at that! He cares about me!" Gary reached out to sling an arm around him, bringing Pete in close with a sharp jerk that had Pete yelping. "Did somebody miss me? Just couldn't sleep at night knowing I was away, could you?"

"No, I-"

"I already knew you weren't straight, but this is taking it to a whole new level."

The protest died away on Pete's tongue and he swallowed as the familiar burning sensation hit the back of his throat. When he didn't get an answer, Gary huffed and shoved him, hard. Pete stumbled, hitting the cell wall and sliding down it.

"God, you're pathetic." Gary spat.

"Why do you have to be an asshole all the time, Gary?" Pete snapped, and in one sudden rush, angry words bubbled up and out of him. "For once in your life, can't you just accept that you're the one in the wrong? You're in a cell, for god's sake! Don't you realize that I'm the only one left who doesn't want you to drop dead? Half the school pities you and the other half hates you! You destroyed our lives! You took away our peace! You don't get to be calling me the pathetic one!"

The room fell silent enough to hear a pen drop. The air around the two boys grew thicker, and thicker, and thicker still with tension. Pete risked a glance at the boy who stood looming in front of him. He had to swallow back fear as he noticed Gary's hands were clenched so tight that the skin was starting to turn white.

Pete pushed himself to his feet, slowly, unwilling to startle Gary. If he moved too fast he was afraid that Gary would snap. A predator in a hunting crouch, moments away from delivering the killing bite. That's what Gary was.

"You know, I used to like you. I used to want you around. I used to think you were smart, and funny, and cool. But now you just remind me of a... a walking toddler, who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. I hope you get better, Gary. I hope you get the help you need so you can finally grow up."

Pete sidestepped Gary, who had yet to move except for his head, his eyes slowly following Pete back towards the doorway. Pete opened the cell door and looked back one more time, meeting eyes with the person he once considered his best friend.

And then he left.

-

September, 2008.

To the parents of Gary Alexander Smith,

I am writing to you to inform you that your son has completed rehab. According to his court order, this is the final step needed in order for him to be released back to the public.

Please note that he will still have to check in weekly with a nurse that will ensure he is still taking his medication. This will no longer be a requirement after his 100 hours of community service is over.

With this in mind, we will be releasing him on the 8th at 3 PM. We require a signature before his release in order to ensure that he is in the proper hands of his guardians.

Thank you for your time,

Happy Volts staff.

-

The reunion with his parents was about as happy as you'd expect with parents as terrible as his. Really, they didn't talk much through the entire thing; it was pick him up, take him home, and let him clean himself up before they had dinner.

It was the first meal that he had had in a long ass time that was actually good, instead of being almost edible. He really did have a newfound appreciation of his maids after that, though he'd never admit it to them out loud.

The thing about spending a year away from home is that it caused him to reflect on things he could have done differently. It also made him realize that a lot of the shit he had done his sophomore year simply didn't... matter. Maybe it was the medication, and the advice of actual doctors from the state after being transferred from Volts and their terrible medical department, but Gary was beginning to see things in ways he had never thought to see them in before.

For example, he was pretty sure Jimmy had never said anything all that terrible to him. Where had he gotten that idea from? Yeah, some of it was an addiction to power, but he was pretty sure the other part was perceived rejection. Learning about rejection sensitive dysphoria really did help him out in a lot of ways. He just wished it had been explained to him sooner, before, y'know, he betrayed all of his closest pals because of an inexplainable fear that they hated his guts.

(Which now they probably did. Go figure. Pete's words still ate at him when he tried to sleep at night).

That didn't matter as much now, anyway. He wanted to know what he'd be doing. He wasn't trapped anymore, with only medical professionals and other patients that had, admittedly, been really kind to him when they weren't Bullworth Branded(tm). He wanted to know what his future would be like, now that his head was much clearer.

When he asked his father, the response he got didn't surprise him much.

"We've decided to respect Crabblesnitch's decision and homeschool you. It'll be best, in order to prevent anymore... incidents."

And so began the process of sleeping, waking up, eating, being immersed into various studies by a freshly hired tutor with a bitchy voice that Gary tried very hard not to snap at, eating again, and going back to sleep. This pattern only broke on days where he had been assigned community service, or had an appointment with his psychologist.

As the days went on, he began to make the effort to expose himself to the outside world. Being locked up made him unusually skittish around people, and he was still having trouble getting used to the crowd that was his father's staff. This led to him climbing onto the roof of his father's house as he watched the sun dip steadily over the horizon after a long day of studies.

Being in high places had been a huge comfort when he was a child. He liked to watch the world, and he liked to feel in control by being able to see his surroundings. His friends would occasionally join him. He had many memories of Pete's smile catching on the sunset, or his nervous expression watching him as Gary got too close to the edge.

This was their place first, before it became his and Jimmy's. He wondered, briefly, if Jimmy still thought of their battle as often as Gary did, or if Gary just did that because it was the last substantial thing he had ever done with himself before the lock-up.

He really missed those two.

He got it, though. He couldn't have them back in his life. They had both kicked him out, and that was his own doing. He had hurt them, and he might regret it, but he had to let go.

He just didn't know how, when he didn't have anyone else.

-

December, 2008.

He finished his community service. Christmas break came, and since he had been working so hard on catching up with his junior year studies, his father had allowed him to take it off for himself. He was grateful at the idea of a break; he had been working tirelessly, and was nearly three quarters of a way through his junior year. He wanted to catch up to his senior year already, so that he could graduate in May like the rest of the Class of 2009.

Suddenly filled with free time that he did not want taken up by family, Gary found himself wandering into town more than he had previously. At first he didn't go far, but as the days passed he found himself going on longer strolls until he found himself deep in the heart of Bullworth Vale.

He should have known it would be easy to be spotted there, considering the gym was a hotspot for prep activity. Jimmy's lighthouse was also down here, causing Gary to avoid that spot as much as he could.

It was a smart idea, by all means. Unfortunately for Gary, however, Jimmy was king, and the preps told him everything. Especially Gord, who he'd had an on-and-off relationship with for a few years now.

That's what led to his peaceful stroll being interrupted by a massive fist slamming his head into the side of a brick wall, so hard that his ears rang.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Came a familiar voice in his ear, and his blood ran cold.

"James." Gary grunted into the brick wall. He tried to lift his head up, but was deemed unsuccessful when Jimmy's fist jerked him back down, causing him to wince. "What is it you want? I was busy."

"Busy doing what? Making the smiles of tiny children disappear?"

Gary had to remind himself that Jimmy was completely justified in this reaction, but it was hard when his cheek was beginning to fucking bleed.

"Get off."

"Not until you tell me what you're doing out of jail where you were supposed to rot."

"I got released! I finished the stupid program, okay? Let me go!" Gary hissed, and to his surprise, Jimmy did.

"What program are you talking about?" Jimmy asked, crossing his arms. Gary rubbed the grit off his face and took a moment to let his eyes wander over Jimmy's freckles.

Jesus, he forgot just how many James had. He was like a freckled forest.

"Technically a bunch of different programs... rehab was one, and I went through some community service hours." Gary shrugged. "Does it matter? I'm out now."

Jimmy's face contorted into three different expressions of confused anger, and Gary had to stop himself from laughing out loud at it.

"Like hell you're coming back to Bullworth-"

"I'm not, actually. I'm being homeschooled." Gary replied, smug at his one-up despite his best efforts not to be. It was just easy to feel smug around Hopkins.

(He wondered, briefly, why he wasn't downright pissed at Jimmy for sophomore year; but it had been a long time since then, and Gary was different, more different than he'd ever been).

"What? How long has that been going on?"

"Since September." Gary told him.

"Oh. Wow."

The two of them stood in an almost awkward silence, and Gary flicked his eyes over to watch the road as cars passed by. He had almost zoned out when Jimmy spoke again.

"So, what? Are you scheming to get back in?" When Gary turned his eyes back to Jimmy, the shorter boy was squinting at him, looking suspicious.

"No." Gary said, honest. "I'm not going to bother you, either, if that's what you're going to ask."

"Why? Not that I don't appreciate your kindness or whatever. I'm just trying to understand."

"I get it, don't worry." Gary shrugged and sighed, turning on his heel to face the road. "Honestly? I've had a lot of time to think. And... I messed up with the two of you. Bad. I don't want to pressure you into having to deal with me again, because, well... I fucked up your lives. I understand that now, I understand how bad it was back then for you. I wasn't going to seek you out, but I suppose thinking that I could hide from you forever wasn't necessarily the brightest idea."

"I can't believe this." Jimmy mumbled. "Gary Smith? Showing remorse? Who would of thought."

"Yeah." Gary said, quietly. "Wild idea, for sure."

The two boys stood looking at the cars in a slightly more comfortable silence. It had started to lightly snow, and Gary rubbed his gloved hands together to create the idea of warmth before he half-froze to death.

"I don't know if I forgive you, you know." Jimmy spoke.

"Yeah, I figured." Gary murmured. "And you don't have to."

"I think if you're putting in the effort, I'd like to forgive you." Jimmy told him, and Gary turned his head, regarding him with surprise.

"What you did was... terrible, to be frank, but I've seen worse. You weren't all that bad, back before the fight with Russell." He shrugged and Gary continued to stare. Jimmy had liked their friendship? It felt like a crazy idea.

"And I think... I think Petey really misses you, too." Jimmy shifted to glance at him. "He... told me, about your fight."

Gary didn't like thinking about it, much less talking about it. He clenched his hands into slight fists and let out a small huff. "Really? Man..."

"Its fine, really. I mean, I was pissed at the time and so was he, but I think he just misses you now." Jimmy turned his whole body towards Gary, suddenly furrowing his brow. "Hey, give me your hand."

"What?" Gary frowned. "No, get your own hand to hold."

"I'm not tryna flirt with you, dumbass. I'm gonna write Pete's number on your arm."

"Pete's - what?"

"You should apologize to him." Jimmy said, matter-of-factly. Bewildered, Gary handed Jimmy his hand. Jimmy took a pen out of his pocket and uncapped it, scribbling a hasty number on his wrist, just above his glove.

"Pete's parents had enough money to get him a cell phone. He can answer texts but texting back is a slow process so he prefers to call." Jimmy pocketed his pen. "I'm sure you two can work it out for yourselves though."

"Why are you giving this to me? I thought you hated me." Gary asked him, pulling his arm back to run his fingers over the messy digits that were gracing his skin.

"I never hated you, to be honest." Jimmy told him. "I was mad, but I never hated you. I was always rooting for you, Gary."

"I see." Gary replied. "Thank you, then, James."

"Of course." Jimmy clapped him over the back, causing him to stumble. "See ya around, crazy man."

He went home with black ink on his wrist and the words I was always rooting for you stuck in his head on repeat.

-

January, 2009.

Gary procrastinated all of Christmas break away thinking about calling Pete.

He didn't know why the task was bothering him so much. It hadn't been difficult to apologize to Jimmy, but then again, he knew he had been wrong about Jimmy going into it. Admitting to himself that he had no idea what Pete thought of him was a different challenge that was taking a lot of effort to push through.

There was also the part of Gary that had finally, finally let him accept that he missed Pete. And now he was getting a second chance with him, to fix things. To make things right.

He really, really didn't want to screw things up. That's why he was having so much trouble with this one, stupid, idiotic phone call.

(Rejection sensitive dysphoria, thou is a heartless bitch).

He was once again by the house phone, twirling the wire around his finger as he held it up to his ear. He chewed on his lip as he continued what had become a daily debate in his head: to call, or not to call?

Fuck it, he said, and dialed the number.

Pete picked up on the third ring. "Hello?"

Gary took in a sharp breath as the static in his head got louder. Was this a good idea? Probably not. Why did he trust Jimmy? Jimmy was a moron, how would he know what Pete thought?

"Hello? Is this a prank caller?" Pete asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"No!" Gary spoke and then cleared his throat. "No, uh, its-"

"Gary? Is that you?"

"Yes! Yes."

"Holy crap, I thought you were still in-?"

"No, I got released a few months ago. I ran into Jimmy and he said you've missed me, so-"

"If this is going to be another teasing session about how 'homosexual' I am, I swear I will end this call right-"

"No no no, its the opposite actually. I wanted to apologize."

The line fell silent, and Gary shifted from foot to foot as nerves raced through him. Pointless restless energy. Only ADHD things.

"Look, I really messed up with you."

"Uh-huh. I know."

"And I wanted to say I really, really regret it. You were one of my best friends."

"And?"

"And I'm sorry. You deserved so much better than how I treated you."

Another silence. There was a noise as if someone had sat down a dish. "Listen, if you expect me to just accept, then I don't think I can do that."

Gary's finger twitched and he rested his head back on the wall. "I understand."

"But I'll give you the chance to prove that I should accept." Pete's voice was quieter now. "You just... you just have to prove it to me through actions, not say sorry and go right back to being a jerk."

"Yeah." Gary said, equally as quiet.

"Do you want to meet up sometime? To catch up?" Pete asked, and Gary had to fight to keep down the grin spreading over his face.

"I'd like that," he answered.

He might not have been forgiven yet, but he'd take what he could get.

-

They made plans to meet at a small cafe just outside of Bullworth Vale that following Thursday.

-

Pete Kowalski, senior of Bullworth Academy, sat in the quiet coffee shop that he had recommended for his and Gary's little "outing."

He had brought his laptop, as he had an essay due for his current English class and like hell was he going to pass up an opportunity to write it in a quiet space. He had actually arrived early in order to start it, since he knew Gary liked to ramble on, and he wanted to get some work done before he was interrupted.

He also wanted to think, which he had been doing between writing paragraphs analyzing the societal symbolism in The Scarlet Letter. His thoughts were turned towards the boy who he was currently meeting today, his good friend, Gary Smith.

He had missed Gary, if he were being honest. That didn't make him any less bitter about the things Gary had done to him, but it was still a cemented fact nonetheless. Gary Smith just... felt like his own addiction. Once you were around him once, he wouldn't get out of your head, and you wanted to see him again and again.

So Pete had decided to meet him here.

Of course, Pete wasn't stupid by any means. If Gary showed up acting like he had the last time they met, Pete would end all arrangements here. But Gary had shown... actual remorse. It was more than he had seen from him in a long time.

He just, really hoped it would work out well.

When the time came for him to show, the small bell over the door rang, signifying that someone had entered the coffee shop. Pete lifted his eyes and was immediately faced with the boy he had been crushing on for a good few years now.

Gary Smith, although he looked significantly less Smith(tm) now, his facial features softened but what could only be newfound maturity. Gary's brown eyes scanned the room and landed on him, and Pete swore his heart fell into his throat.

He was just so handsome. It wasn't fair, when Pete was supposed to be angry at his dumbass.

Gary approached the table, a lot less intimidating in his stride but still as confident as ever. The closer he got, the more his face cracked into a grin, sporting the gap in his teeth.

"Petey. Long time, no see!"

Pete couldn't help but smile faintly. "Hey. Go ahead and take a seat."

Gary slid into the table opposite from him and reached over to grab Pete's cup of coffee without warning. "What are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same. That's my coffee, Gare." Pete huffed and watched as Gary froze halfway to putting the cup to his mouth. A red blush spread over his face and he grumbled, setting the cup down.

"Yeah, sure. Don't share then."

"Don't be a dick. And I'm working on my English essay, to answer your question."

"Essays aren't too hard to write as long as you can focus on them."

"Well, yeah." Pete shrugged and looked down at the computer. He knew Gary had pretty much a natural talent at anything academic. "It just takes up a lot of time."

"What's the essay on?"

"The Scarlet Letter. You ever read that book?"

"Duh? Everyone in our grade has read that stupid ass novel. Its notorious for being boring." Gary rolled his eyes and Pete cracked a smile.

"Yeah, it honestly is. Doesn't stop the teacher from assigning it, though."

"Did you get Galloway again?"

"Nah. Got an actual competent teacher who makes us do stuff."

"Oh, I bet Bullworth isn't taking that one well." Gary smirked and leaned forward. He practically radiated smugness. "How has it been, with ol' James Bitchfucker Hopkins there to rule it?"

"You know, you could be nice to him for once instead of insulting him every other sentence." Petey chastised and rolled his eyes.

"Its our dynamic, Peter. Gotta insult him before the weirdos think I'm getting soft on him." Gary laughed. "Now answer the question."

"Yeah, yeah. Bossy." Pete looked at the words on his screen and then sighed, closing his laptop. Seems his work time was over. "Things have calmed down a lot, actually... the cliques all kind of kiss up to Jimmy, and in turn he settles all their disputes for pocket cash before they can get too violent. Its honestly kind of nice?... A lot of people have, uh, come out recently, and Jimmy's been beating up people who make fun of them."

"Come out?" Gary eyed him. Pete wasn't sure if he was making up the accusation in the burning stare or not. "As in...?"

"Gay, of course." Pete's cheeks burned. He almost wished he hadn't brought it up. "Jimmy is - he's bi, you know? He's been talking to a lot of kids who have come to them about their sexuality, like, um, Mandy-"

"Mandy??? The girl who is always clinging to a guy?"

"She doesn't do that anymore. She even talks to the nerds now, sometimes. As in, like, nicely." Pete shrugged and shifted. "She, she came out as a lesbian."

"What the hell." Gary furrowed his brow. "Did Jimmy put queer shit in the water?"

"Gary, don't say that, its rude. And no, Jimmy just..." Pete chewed his bottom lip and smiled. "He's supportive."

Gary pursed his mouth into a tight frown and Pete narrowed his eyes, his smile falling. "If you say something homophobic, I will cut you."

"Jesus, Pete, I leave you alone for a year and a half and you turn into the sass master. No, I wasn't going to say anything homophobic." He scoffed and turned his head to the side, purposefully ignoring Pete. Pete felt his cheeks burn.

"Okay, well, I just - wanted to make sure. Since, you know. I'm bisexual."

Gary snapped his head around to stare at Pete, and Pete felt his cheeks grow darker. "Stop looking so surprised. You already suspected it."

"I thought - I didn't - what?"

"Weren't you the one to call out the fact that I stared at boys for too long, repeatedly, for years?"

"I never thought you'd actually admit to it."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't have if I'd had stayed around you." Pete said, coming off colder than he meant to. When Gary's face fell, he blushed and put his hands up. "I- shit, I didn't mean it like that, don't get upset. I just... you weren't the most accepting, Gary. I needed someone who would be so that I could experiment without feeling dirty."

Gary stared at him and then glanced out the window, huffing and setting his face in a tight line. "Yeah, okay. I get it. You don't have to explain."

"So... are you okay with it?"

"Obviously." Gary turned a glare at him, looking annoyed at the implications, and Pete smiled softly.

"Cool."

-

The two boys fell into a familiar routine after that, with Gary visiting the coffee shop after class on Wednesday to talk. On weekends, when he had nothing to do, he would call up Pete or Jimmy - sometimes even both of them - and they'd walk along the train tracks, talking as they relaxed in the quiet wilderness.

It was nice.

-

February, 2009.

"So I was like, dude, can you shut up already and give me the dang pencil? I don't care if it has MLP on it."

Gary snorted. "Is it really that surprising that Trent was into MLP?"

"No! That's why I didn't give a shit!" Pete laughed from beside him, and Gary couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him. Pete's laughter was infectious.

Their shoes made crunching noises on the gravel as they walked along the train track. They had been walking like this for a good twenty minutes as they caught up on their week.

"Valentine's Day is coming up." Gary mused. "Do you have a date?"

"Who? Me? Pete Kowalski, the quiet kid? Please." Pete chuckled softly, but it sounded sad more than anything.

"Hey, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt." Gary teased and gently shoved him. "Do you have anyone you want to date?"

"What, like a crush?"

"Yeah."

"Well..." Pete hesitated.

"You do have someone." Gary grinned as Pete returned to his side. "Who is it? Don't tell me its MLP boy."

"Trent? Ew, no. I'm not Jimmy, man."

"Is it Jimmy?"

"What?"

"Is it Hopkins?" Gary rose an eyebrow. Pete blinked, seeming caught off guard.

"No, of course not. I mean, Jimmy is cool and all, but..." Pete shrugged and glanced away. "I just, like someone else."

"Who, then?"

"Why do you want to know so bad?"

"Because I'm curious. Bite me."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Satisfaction brought it back. Just tell me, Pete, please?"

"I..." Pete stopped abruptly and Gary turned, alarmed as a frown made its way on Pete's face. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Well, that's not weird at all. Gary let his eyes roll up and down Pete's figure, reading his body language (which screamed I'M SAD! in all caps), and then sighed. "Okay."

"Thanks." Pete smiled softly.

Gary wondered just why it bothered him so much in the days to follow.

-

Gary finished his junior year assignments and started his senior year courseload, feeling a lot happier now that he was in the proper grade level, even if he was behind by a small margin.

Despite that, his thoughts were mostly on one person: Pete.

For some reason, it bothered him knowing that Pete had a crush. Especially one that he wouldn't tell Gary about.

It felt like... this strange mix of anger, worry, and sad that Gary wasn't quite able to process.

Mostly because it felt an awful lot like jealousy, and he was not going to be jealous over Pete Kowalski, especially considering that had even deeper implications such as the idea that he might not be as heterosexual as he once thought.

Not that he had ever been attracted to girls, which... honestly, confused him more. Did that mean he was gay? But it couldn't. He hadn't ever been attracted to anyone except Pete. Maybe he wasn't... anything. Maybe he was just Gary.

Did sexuality have to be as labeled as Pete and Jimmy's? And, fuck, why was he even considering this in the first place, he so totally did not have a crush on Pete because he was NOT jealous.

A loud snap brought him out of his thoughts, and he realized he had broken his pencil. Fuck.

-

March, 2009.

February passed with little to offer. Valentine's Day found Gary wandering Bullworth Vale - Pete said he didn't feel like leaving the house, and Jimmy had a date. Overall, it was uneventful, except for the fact that Gary couldn't stop thinking about Pete.

Spring break would be coming up, the first week of April. Jimmy had suggested that they go camping by the train tracks. Gary had agreed, trying to ignore the pounding of his heart when he thought of Pete being there, sharing a tent with him.

-

April, 2009.

"Tent building is hard." Gary breathed out heavily as he leaned across a nearby tree.

"Lazy ass." Jimmy passed him with some firewood in his arms, hitting Gary lightly over the head. Gary rose an arm to shove his hand away.

"Shut up. Pete's complaining too." Gary pouted.

"Pete's different." Jimmy passed said boy, who was sitting on a treestump, and gave him a friendly smile. Gary felt jealousy pulse through his veins.

Okay, so he had accepted he was jealous. But that didn't mean anything. So.

"Pete's a loser." Gary retorted and playfully smirked at the boy, who rolled his eyes.

They had spent the first hour or so setting up camp before the sun went down. It had made two out of three of them tired, with Jimmy being unable to feel exhaustion ever.

As Jimmy began to build the campfire, Gary moved from the tree he was leaning against to settle next to Pete. His heart beat hard in his chest as their knees brushed.

"So, little Petey, are you ready for a night with the creepypastas?" Gary teased and shoved him lightly.

"Shut up. Its bad enough that you've been trying to get me into them without mentioning them here." Pete huffed at him, putting one hand up to shove his face away. Gary laughed, ignoring the tingle that ran through his skin where Pete's hand made contact.

"They're fun! Come on, your gay ass can't tell me you don't find at least one of them attractive."

"They kill people!"

"So?"

Pete opened his mouth to respond, then seemed to think better of it, pouting instead. "Shut up."

Gary felt his face slip into a familiar grin. He let his eyes trail over Pete's face as the boy turned away to watch Jimmy, taking in his soft brown eyes. When he smiles he gets dimples...

He felt a burning stare pierce through him, and slowly turned his head to see Jimmy giving him a knowing look with a raised eyebrow. Gary felt panic shoot through him, but externally he kept his face in the same grin.

"Done yet, James?"

Jimmy studied him curiously and then looked back at the fire. "Yeah. Should be enough for the night."

"I brought stuff for smores." Pete smirked and moved away from Gary. He tried not to be disappointed at the distance.

"Hell yeah, we like, gotta roast marshies. That's the first fuckin' rule of camping." Jimmy smirked and sat down by the fire. The sun wasn't down yet, but it was steadily approaching the horizon - it would be sunset soon.

"Marshies?" Pete laughed. "Are you in grade school?"

"Hey, don't diss my flow. Marshies are the bomb, man."

"You're so weird." Gary rolled his eyes and Jimmy shrugged.

They spent the next few minutes unpacking the food, preparing to make dinner. The campsite they had picked out had a grill nearby, and Pete had brought burgers for them all to eat. Jimmy lit the grill and left Pete to cook as Gary stayed by the fire just a little ways off.

"Hey." Jimmy greeted, his voice quiet as he sat down next to Gary, moving to rest his hands on his knees. "I need to talk to you."

"What is it?" Gary rose an eyebrow. "Does Pete need help with something?"

"Nah, that little dude's got it all figured out. I was gonna grill but he insisted. He's had a fascination with cooking ever since his parents decided he was old enough to touch the stove." He chuckled and shrugged.

"Then what?" Gary pulled his knees to his chest, eyeing Jimmy out of the corner of his eye suspiciously.

"Look, man. I don't want to pry, since I know it isn't any of my buisness, but... I see the way you and Pete look at each other."

Gary felt his blood run cold, and he turned his head to look at his friend. "I don't know what you're-"

"Earlier you spent like fifteen seconds staring at his face man, you were practically swooning like a stupid schoolgirl. Its so blatantly obvious that you like him."

"I..." Gary was at a loss for words, panic rising up in his chest. "No, no no no I-"

"I'm not going to tell him or anything." Jimmy held his hands up. "I just want to say... if you mess up with him again, I'm gonna have to kick your ass, alright? So, don't."

"What?" Gary breathed out. No, no no, it can't be that obvious. I thought I was hiding it better than this, I can't like Pete, I can't.

"I'm rooting for the two of you. You two deserve to he happy and its obvious he likes you back, so..." Jimmy shrugged and then furrowed his brow. "Are you okay?"

Gary realised then that he was hyperventilating. "What? Yeah."

"Gary, man, take it easy." Jimmy reached out, hesitated an inch away from him, and then gently allowed his fingers to snag around Gary's wrist once he was allowed. "Look at me. Focus on my hand. Breathe in, breathe out."

Gary took in a deep breath, letting himself focused on the calloused feel of Jimmy's hand around his wrist. He released his breath, and looked at Jimmy. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

When he was calm enough, Jimmy let him go and nodded awkwardly. "You good?"

"Yeah." Gary muttered, embarrassment pooling in the pit of his stomach.

"So did I assume right?..." Jimmy murmured, keeping his voice low. Gary nodded, looking into the fire. The heat coming off of it soothed him.

"Really? Does that mean you're gay?"

"I... have no idea?" He could feel his face flushing. "Look, don't tell him, okay? I've only figured it out recently-"

"Recently? You've been looking at him like he's your princess ever since you came back into our lives."

"Don't tease me Hopkins, okay? Fuck you. I was in denial about it, it isn't every day that I actually like someone, let alone like them in that way."

"Yeah, yeah, you're an emotional robot, we get it." Jimmy rolled his eyes. "I won't tell him. But you should. He likes you back, I can tell."

Did he? Gary pursed his lips together and stared into the fire, choosing not to comment. But why would he?

He spent the rest of the night in bewilderment as they roasted "marshies," told horror stories, and eventually went to sleep in the tent. It was weird, sleeping beside Pete with the revelation he had just been presented, and he tried very hard not to freak out.

Eventually, morning came, and Gary got up, groggy from anxious sleep. They had to pack up and then they'd be heading back.

He really, really hated the disappointment he felt because of that.

-

May, 2009.

Gary decided that emotions were not something he was very strongly suited for.

He had been avoiding Pete, unsure how to feel about his conversation with Jimmy. Part of him still did not want to accept that he was capable of a crush, let alone a crush on a guy. (God, his father would be so pissed). The other part of him wanted to accept it and let go, because Pete was cute and smart and kind and... well, Pete.

As the month went on, Gary found himself missing Pete more and more. It was easy to cancel plans under the guise of schoolwork, but it was becoming excessive. And, well...

Maybe it was time for him to admit to himself that yeah, he was queer. He wasn't sure of the proper term (gay? bi? who knows) but he knew he was LGBTQ+ of some origin. And...

Well, Jimmy had given him a vote of confidence. Maybe he should just go for it.

He held off for a few weeks, but Gary was never one to deny himself what he really wanted. And he wanted Petey to look at him, more than anything.

He decided that he'd have to do this. It was time. And, readying himself, he began to devise a plan.

-

Pete had a burning frustration for all days dedicated to couples. He had always wanted to be a part of a relationship. It wasn't that he hated being single; he just... wanted to know what that connection was like. And, well, he also wanted to like someone that was actually obtainable for once.

Because of this, he tended to lock himself in his dorms during those days. And, here he was once again, in his dorm.

It was Prom Night, and Peter Kowalski had bought a new book to read to distract himself from the painful torture that is Being Single.

A knock on the door distracted him from Pip's adventure into newfound wealth. He stood up and went to answer it, curiousity pumping through him. Jimmy was the only one who ever came to his dorm, but Jimmy had told him he had a date tonight.

He opened the door to find Gary Smith there, a grin on his face and a suit in his hand. He was dressed in formal attire of his own, making Pete's heart skip a beat.

That is, until it hit him. "Gary? What are you doing here? You aren't allowed on school property."

Gary shrugged. "It isn't like the Prefects will care anyway. Its prom, Pete."

Okay, he had a point. "Still... do you have a date or something?"

Gary's grin widened. "Yes, actually." Abruptly, he shoved the suit into Pete's hands. "Get changed, we're going out."

"What?" Pete furrowed his brow. "But... what about your date?"

"Do I need to spell it out for you? We're going out. I already bought the suit for you and everything."

It clicked in Pete's head, and he flushed a bright red. "Oh!" He squeaked. "Okay!"

He went back in his room and quickly changed. He had not been expecting this, and part of him was still sure that it was a prank? (If it was, well, he'd deal with it later).

Pete stepped out of his room in the new suit. Gary's eyes scanned down over his body, and Pete flushed red, fidgeting nervously. "Is this... okay?"

"Its perfect." Gary told him, reaching out to grab his hand. Pete could see the faintest traces of red blush on Gary's face. "Let's go."

"Wait." Pete stopped him. Gary turned to him, looking annoyed. "For clarification. Are - are we dating now? Like, um, boyfriends."

Gary narrowed his eyes. "Ugh, that's such a stupid term."

"Well?"

"I guess. If you want to be b-words then I'm here for it." Gary glanced away from him.

Pete broke into a grin. "Okay." He said, very quiet, as happiness settled in his chest.

"Are you ready now?"

"Yeah. Yeah, let's go."

[annoyedfanfiction]

Spock x reader (5) --> italics are Vulcan

tw: injury, swearing, death mention

“I told you not to send a team!” Jim’s angry voice snapped through the medbay, though you noticed the tiredness lilting at its edges. “Lieutenant Y/L/N is not a team Captain.” Spock spoke calmly, but there was a deep fear echoing under it. “Nor did I send her.” “Well, you didn’t stop her either,” Jim snapped, and you squinted your eyes open, pain and memory coming flooding back to you. “Would you prefer you’d died over there, Jim?” Bones snarled, and you could hear his tricorder beeping as he ran it over a patient. “You’re both alive.” “Barely!” he answered. You could almost see the pout. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” you groaned, not even trying to move. “Both of us have been worse off than this in Iowa, Jim. And you and I both know that no one and nothing would or could ever stop me from coming after you.” “You’re awake!” You heard scrabbling to your left, then Spock and Bones both protesting. 

“Don’t injure yourself in the medbay. I’m already in the bed beside you,” you scolded, as Jim’s face swam into your vision. He smiled, softly, at you, and you moved your uninjured arm up to grasp his hand, grinning back. “How many times do I have to save you for you to learn this self-sacrificing bullshit isn’t going to work, brother?” He rolled his eyes, laughing, before Bones ushered him away, instructing Spock to ‘take the idiot back to bed if you insist on hanging around my medbay’. “Welcome back to the world of the living,” he said, drily, reading through the stats on your biobed. “Gave the lot of us quite a scare there.”  “Please, Dr McCoy,” you smirked, mischievously. “If you can defy death, you can manage a simple shot wound.” He glared down at you, but the fondness in his eyes melted the heat too much to drop your smile. Giving up, he sighed, tapped something on the monitor in front of him. “Let me know if the pain gets worse,” he said, as he began to move away, “I’m trying to keep the painkillers as low as possible, but if you’re in pain we’ll have to up the dose.” You reached for the little control panel on the side of the bed and propped yourself up, feeling the bandages around your chest tighten. Spock and Bones both stood beside Jim’s bed, interrupting their whispered conversation to glance over as your bed whirred into life, then looking back as Jim said something that caused Spock to fall entirely silent for several beats.

You narrowed your eyes at them as the conversation ceased, and Bones moved away to another patient. Jim looked over at you, grinned, nudged Spock and hissed something at him. “James,” you warned, raising an eyebrow at him. “What are you torturing the poor Commander with now?” “I don’t torture him!” Jim protested, as Spock turned to you, with a polite nod. Jim shoved him from behind and he began to move towards you. “I cannot promise I will be the best company,” you smiled, softly, to him. “However, I’d like to think I’m better than that.” You gestured to Jim. “Hey!”  “Are your injuries bothering you too much, Lieutenant?” Spock asked. You tilted your head, watching him curiously. There was a nervousness behind his eyes that you hadn’t seen before. “They’re not so bad,” you smiled, gently, twisting your own fingers together, the memories of your actions on the bridge filtering through your mind. “I did not mean to offend you with my actions earlier. I apologise for putting you in such situation, especially in front of our colleagues.” He faltered, furrowing his brow. “You did not offend me, Lieutenant,” he stated, mildly confused. “I must admit, Commander, that I worked very closely with Ambassador Selek on New Vulcan,” you offered, wondering if he had only now noticed that you could read his expressions. “It has made it easy for me to interpret your thoughts and emotions based on minute changes in your expressions.” “I am aware,” Spock stated, calmly. “That was not the source of my confusion.” His comm beeped, loudly. “I must return to the bridge. I am glad to see you healing, Lieutenant.” He strode out of the hall, leaving you staring after him in utter confusion, as Jim yelled exasperatedly after his retreating form.

“So, kissing on the bridge, now?” Jim teased, as you and he rested in his quarters a week later. Bones had reluctantly discharged you both, provided you shared quarters for another week to keep one another under supervision. “Emotions were running high, okay?” You flushed, banging your head back against his headboard. “I didn’t mean for–” you waved erratically, “–whatever this is to happen.” Jim chuckled, softly, and leaned back beside you. “I thought after so long with Vulcans you’d realise they’re all a little constipated about showing their emotions,” he said, easily. “Oh he showed what he was feeling pretty clearly,” you sighed, closing your eyes. “I’m not sure if you could tell, but he was practically radiating discomfort.” “That’s because he was very much out of his comfort zone,” Jim responded, immediately. “He’s not exactly someone to immediately read signals that you like him. In all likelihood, the first time he thought you looked at him romantically was before you left the bridge.” 

“You mean when I kissed him,” you deadpanned, closing your eyes. “On the bridge. In front of our colleagues. And then ran off with no further explanation.” “Ok, that may not have been your best idea,” he conceded. You opened one eye to glare at him. “But he knows how humans are. When tensions run high, poor decisions are made. He probably just thinks you were panicking and don’t like him that way, which is how he likes you, so he’s avoiding making it awkward.” “I think it’s pretty awkward when we’re literally not speaking,” you pointed out. A tugging that had lurked at the back of your head since you’d left to rescue Jim made itself known again as you said that. “Face the facts, Jim, he’s probably avoiding me because I made him uncomfortable but he doesn’t want to hurt my frail human feelings.” Jim growled, exasperatedly.  “Why won’t either of you believe me when I say you’re both hopelessly in love with each other?” A knock at the door punctuated his sentence, and you clambered to your feet to answer it. “Ah, Lieutenant.” You almost wished the floor ate you alive. “I was just looking for the Captain. I can come back later.” He turned, but you grabbed his clothed wrist, making him look back at you, raising an eyebrow. “I was just leaving, Dr McCoy wants to see me in medbay,” you lied, stepping out the door to allow him to enter. “Jim’s inside.” You scurried away, as quickly as the aching in your chest allowed.

“What t’hell are you doing, wanderin’ ‘round on yer own?” Scotty scolded, as you rounded a corner and almost ran directly into him. “Spock needed to talk to Jim,” you mumbled, quietly. “I was going to wait in medbay until they’re done.” Scotty rolled his eyes and took your arm, leading you towards the medbay. “Ye cannae avoid him forever, lass,” he pointed out, shrugging. “Oh, not you too,” you groaned, as the medbay doors swished open in front of you. “Why am I the only one who’s accepted that Spock hates me because I put him in a very uncomfortable and inappropriate position in front of the crew?” “Before Jim dragged me onto the bridge to fight with Spock, I honestly didn’t think the man was capable of hatred,” Scotty responded, shrugging. “If he can still tolerate...if he can still see Jim as his best friend, even after all the shit that went between them, then I highly doubt there is any chance of him hating you.” “Hatred or not, I make him uncomfortable,” you responded, stubbornly, as Bones approached. A sudden jolt of surprise flew through you, and you frowned, wrinkling up your nose.

“What’s wrong? Where’s Jim?” Bones demanded, frowning. “Speaking to Spock,” you muttered, as Bones pointed Scotty and you towards a biobed. “Oh, so you ran away again.” There was almost a smile on Bones’ face. “I’ve never seen a man so in love and so utterly lost by your complete avoidance of him. It’s a dire situation when the Vulcan comes to the one man on board known for a less successful love life than his for advice.” The medbay doors swished open, but only Bones bothered to look up. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” you sighed, rolling your eyes. You pressed your fingers to your temples as the tugging grew adamantly more aggressive. “I’ve had this conversation three times, with three different people. Spock doesn’t like me, and he most certainly doesn’t love me. I just make him uncomfortable.”  “It appears there has been a misunderstanding between us, Lieutenant.” You honestly could’ve dropped dead at that very moment, as you glowered up at a smirking Jim with such force that you would’ve taken him with you if you had. “Scotty, Bones, I hear we’re needed on the bridge.”

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 10: The 100 1x06 Fog of War

Mmmm watching another ep and it’s been less than six months since the last one?! * jinxes self *

Bellarke date at the outside cafe. (WHY IS THIS OUTSIDE CAFE NOT IN MORE FICS? WHY IS IT NOT IN MY FICS?)

I don’t always love Clarke’s art tbh but I do love her Mount Weather sketch.

“You won’t be by yourself.” They are canonically Soft with each other.

I have a hard time believing they would wait two days just sitting on their hands, Abby or no Abby. YOU GUYS WERE THE LEADERS. JUST LEAD STUFF.

“We’re at war. We’ve all done things,” is, like, first, beyond the point, because even in war, one doesn’t usually attack civilian villages. (Unless one is a terrorist.) And second, it’s weird that Bellamy would be defending Finn? Not really sure how to read that. Unless his hatred of Grounders is truly that intense, which is possible. And third, are they really still at war? Because after attacking the dropship, the Grounders have done... literally nothing? Like it’s a semi-war scenario.

“Next round’s on me.” Do they have to.... pay for things...? With what lol?

“Salvaged Monty’s still. Now if we could only salvage Monty.” Someone here has a sense of humor. Also lol @ everyone at Camp Jaha using a teenager’s illegal still.

Really, the “pardon for surviving” should not include time on the ground, because pardons aren’t forward looking. Also they bring back the idea of trying Finn later. They just don’t want to deal with Murphy and Finn, and don’t really see the massacre of Grounders as a big deal, which, I am a Sky Person partisan to the last, does not reflect well on them. I think also they still haven’t figured out what tf their judicial system on the ground is, and just don’t want to deal with that yet either. Which isn’t a great excuse but it’s of a piece with how this show deals with society-building questions in general. (By... not.)

And Finn still doesn’t even feel bad.

And Murphy thinks Clarke and Finn are still together...? I guess that makes sense given how long he was away. He’s ALWAYS behind on delinquent gossip.

Clarke to Murphy: “Just because they pardoned you doesn’t mean I have.” Another line that should be iconic.

If Mount Weather is the reason they never heard from any other Ark Stations then they should have heard from more of them after S2 just putting that out there.

Raven is so beautiful.

And I’m sorry but she’s completely in love with Clarke here.

“You and your friends are not soldiers...” Hmmmm except in a certain sense they kind of are. Love this s2 adults versus delinquents conflict though.

Anyway I realize this is just to get them going back to Mount Weather but they were apparently doing this radio mission to get more Guards from other stations, which never happened, which sort of reminds me of Day Trip and the ‘winter supplies’ excursion when apparently winter doesn’t exist in the future anyway.

Literally only now at the credits.... Why am I like this?

So Maya couldn’t survive on the ground, obviously, because blood isn’t good enough, it has to be bone marrow, which, fine, for plot purposes--but what if she could???

“I know the plan was to assimilate them into the gene pool.” COMPLETELY forgot about that. So they did have a reason for being so nice to them. That is a rather long term plan though...

With the delinquent blood, they’ll “live longer and feel better.” I wonder what the sickness rate is, then. What the quality of life is, low vitamin d aside.

“If I agree to harvest those kids, then I won’t deserve to see [the outside] again.”

That Finn is a good tracker is, like, not a retcon in the sense that this was true in season 1, but still a semi retcon in the sense that nothing in the very early episodes implies he’s Mr. Earth Skills. (Unlike, say... Wells.)

Privileged Ark people really do just throw rules around and up and down however they like. Like, Abby clearing her daughter’s friend because “he was trying to save his friends” even though what he did was objectively much worse than pretty much anything the 100 were imprisoned for? Or other people killed for? Hmmm,, yeah, okay.

Jaha’s death wish transformed into a lazy acceptance that he is invincible is truly one of the best character arcs on this show imo. Infuriating but amazing.

“How many times on the Ark did we go two days without water?”

He recognizes the prison as a train station, which is not objectively surprising but I bet the Grounders don’t know what it is. Somehow. Since memory isn’t a thing in the future either.

On the one hand, it’s reasonable to think that Finn’s attack was coordinated from above but on the other hand, these two prisoners literally could not have ordered it, because they have been... imprisoned... the entire time. And I mean truly putting two Sky People who could not themselves have been involved in another Sky Person’s murder spree into some sort of Saw scenario in response to that murder spree really isn’t “justice” in any sense of the word. Like truly the JD in me is just SCREAMING. There is no nexus between the people you have and the person you’re angry at, other than “Sky Person” but the thread is so tangled you’re just.... throwing around bloodshed for lolz. (I know it’s a test and that part isn’t dumb but the scaffolding of the test is DUMB.)

I am still not over that someone gave Jasper a stuffed toy bear as a thank you for giving Maya blood. Also, it looks like... an alarm clock?

I like Dante but every time he says “Jasper” it just creeps me out. Maybe it’s the way he’s, uh, playing him.

It is 100% true that Mount Weather was not meant to last that long. At least not in the sense of ‘as a closed facility.’

Ridiculous as it is to pardon Finn AND take him adventuring AND give him a gun, I like the tension between him and the others, that they have officially forgiven him, and want to still love him, but are wary of him, scared of him, for good reason. For all that people are constantly ‘doing bad things’ and yelling at each other about it, this scenario doesn’t really have a parallel anywhere else in the canon.

“According to Clarke, before the bombs, there were buildings everywhere here. I’m guessing some of the had access to the bunker. So we’re looking for ruins. Anything man-made.”

Bellamy says he and O aren’t under the Guard command. But in a way, aren’t they? Like aren’t the Guard basically in authority over all Arkers? I know I’m overthinking but does he see himself as more delinquent than Arker? Especially with the “our people” are in Mount Weather.

All those mice.... Or rodents....

What a scenario: Clarke and Finn hiding from the acid fog in a weird little personal bunker where they once fucked, and now there’s a dead body in it, and Finn put it there. Not even Olav can top this.

Raven playing with the radio is my kink.

Parking garage as tomb. Who would protect a parking garage with a big-ass steal door that protects cars from radiation? If it does lead to Mount Weather (no recollection if it does) I guess it could be... part of it? Idk. Nice aesthetic though.

Bellamy is very comfortable calling people Sir. Polite young man.

So Clarke’s Dad’s watch returns to Clarke. I can’t remember what ultimately happened to it. Is it basically tainted now?

Monty’s obscene jealousy of Maya just gets me every single time. Makes up for the horrendous second hand embarrassment I’m getting from the rest of this scene.

“Hey, it’s pizza day! Who’s hungry?” uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm So natural. Cute dress though.

How did she figure out the breach wasn’t an accident? Or that there is surveillance? Anyway now that she knows she was experimented on, and that Jasper was experimented on, one would assume she is pissed. One would assume that’s part of why she shows them the Grounders. Also to stop Jasper perhaps from embroiling his people even more with (her own) untrustworthy people. Because truly it is in part to save them, but it’s also a real risk to herself, admitting this terrible thing she’s been a part of.

“To get you to agree to be her blood brother.” He’s not wrong but that language is sooooo jealous--both revealing the threat he feels (because Jasper is his ‘brother’) and diminishing the JasperMaya relationship (which he knows to be romantic, and is turning familiar.)

Why did the show ever try to top the pure horror of the Grounder Torture Prison?

“What are we supposed to do?” / “Die.” Another Iconic Exchange. This is Monty’s morality: uncompromising. Are the standards he sets for himself hypocritical or consistent? Also, some foreshadowing lol.

I wonder what Monty’s allegiance is to the other kids... Would he have irradiated the Mountain for them if Jasper were safe? Legit question because he defects to his mom’s side pretty fast in S3, and he would 100% leave Mount Weather through the side door just like Clarke, at this point, which Jasper refuses to do even if it were possible. I am intrigued by this scene and the switching of plans/different points of view.

So this is the revelation that the acid fog is a Mount Weather weapon. I always really liked that twist.

Okay so this explains why they didn’t get to the other stations, because they choose to keep the tower up to listen to Mount Weather, but it’s actually not a tough call bc if you defeat Mount Weather and take your people back, then you can get rid of the blocking signal, and then find your other people, so win-win, you just have to go in order and on that note, why did it take 3 months to find only one station??

Is that a....hand crank mp3?? Got a lot of juice from just a little bit of cranking.

There are a hella lot of storylines in this episode. I completely forgot about Jaha and Kane and Lexa.

Kane’s continuing death wish makes him utterly unreasonable. What in a million years makes you think that the Grounders value sacrifice as opposed to just being sadists? I mean, you don’t know. You’re imposing your value system and also your thought processes on them. You’re also assuming that if one of you killed the other, the survivor would actually get something, like a chance to negotiate, which is probably not true--in fact, Gustus basically told you as much with “We’ll hear the terms of your surrender form the survivor.” Winning means nothing except you get to surrender!! And probably die!! They are not coming to you in good faith is what I’m trying to say and having watched the whole season I know I am Right.

“You didn’t order the massacre.” / “Not that one.” Honestly dude get over it lol. Interesting that Jaha, although he has transformed in some ways, keeps to the old lines, about survival, the human race--and our people, if the human race is broader than just the Ark, which it is, and no big deal. So in some ways his morality has not changed at all, at its core.

Look, I’m sorry, not to be that person, but he probably would have been better off killing Lexa there. I mean, I know he’s choosing ‘an innocent’ in his mind but... what a power move to behead the Commander WHILE you’re her prisoner. Good old Jaha, smart and quick and sure of himself.

Just uh not quick enough at murdering I guess.

I’m no Lexa fan but that was an excellent entrance and it remains an excellent entrance. Also while I never thought she was as smart as people said, because name me another tactical decision she made that was actually good, this was a smart ploy. And probably the most subtle thing any Grounder character ever did, even if it does end with her basically beating Jaha up ‘as a message’ as if she were a gangster.

Is this the episode that introduces Blood Must Have Blood? Already Tired of it tbh.

This Clarke and Finn scene is so sad. I realize that they  purposefully made him unredeemable at this point, that this story line was always intended to be the method by which he was written off, and that there’s only so much awkwardness you can write around this scenario, but nevertheless it would have been interesting to see Finn in the long term, in a way. Not redeemed.. I don’t know. Whatever I’m thinking it’s not in the range of this show, though, for sure.

Did Jasper and Monty tell all of the 47 everything? To get them to volunteer? (Answer: No, but they told at least Harper and Miller, maybe a few more.)

“How high are you right now?” We were SO robbed of more intoxicated!Monty scenes.

Jasper and Dante: creepy creepy creepy.

“There’s been a Wallace in this office since the bombs.” So glad to know we immediately reverted to some sort of pseud-monarchy post-nuclear war. That said it’s only been 97 years so that’s like 3 Wallaces tops.

Prioritizing the radio also means of course admitting that getting the 47 out of MW is a priority for Abby/Ark PTB, which wasn’t exactly clear before.

I’ve never been a fan of the “Build a brace for yours” line and I’m still not, because I think conflating physical and mental injuries is not exactly helpful, but I guess I appreciate it as a look into Raven’s mind--Raven, who has never really understood mental scars and never really does--and the soft way she says it is a sort of forgiveness. Not really forgiveness she has the right to offer, and in a way a very brash thing to do, because this was literally a war crime that her best friend committed, but nevertheless.

Jaha: appears. Everyone else: what the absolute fuck.

So on that mission they accomplished... literally nothing they set out to do lol.

What is that random shot of Camp Jaha doing there? They’re not within sight of it. They’re still where they set up tents.

I want to point out that this is the FIRST time the Grounders have demanded that the Sky People “leave” or implied in any way that they consider the Sky People to be on “their” land, and that this was never an issue in Season 1, when their beef seemed to be for things like crossing the river at Mount Weather, accidentally dropping their flares on a Grounder village, and torturing a Grounder spy. But I guess at this point the narrative needed to focus on something because the actual reason for the feud, which is roughly, we accidentally pissed each other off and then kept on retaliating, doesn’t play very well or make the Grounders, who were rehabilitated this season, very sympathetic. (Guess who still has zero sympathy lololol?)

[bgharison]

Which WIP?!

I have about three weeks between classes, my meds and my muse seem to be holding a tentative truce, and I really miss writing.  Wanna help me decide which rabbit hole?  I need to choose one and kind of stick with it.  My goal is to have a rough draft done by  August 19 and then edit during the semester.  (My goal is to start an original work in January 2020, so this is warm-up.)

I do find feedback and enthusiasm both validating and motivating, so if something makes you go “oooooooh” let me know?

Options below:

Option A:  Vaguely Pacific Northwest McDanno AU -- Steve returns from combat to his deceased father’s cabin, Danny is a journalist writing about missing children in the area.  Danny gets too close to the truth.  I only have three paragraphs of this written, but it’s outlined.  Inspired in part by the idea of a bearded Steve and Danny wearing jeans, boots, and scarves. 

(opening) He moved through the house, flicking on one or two lights, somewhat surprised that the electricity hadn’t been long since disconnected.  Since it wasn’t, the well pump still worked and the kitchen sink yielded fresh, cold water.  The aquifers here, in the northwest corner of the country, have the coldest, clearest water of anyplace he’s seen, on this continent or any other.  He cupped a handful of it and gulped greedily.  Even in the dim light, he could tell that the coffee maker had only a faint layer of dust.  It gave him pause, to think that someone had been keeping up the property.  His father must have arranged for a caretaker in his will.  

It didn’t occur to him to test the heat; he simply took off his boots and climbed, fully clothed, under the heavy comforter in the room that has remained unchanged since he left it almost two decades ago.

(random selection)  

“Go away, Danny,” Steve orders.  “I mean it.  Get the hell away from me.”

Danny wipes at the blood, dripping steadily now from his eyebrow, trailing down the side of his face.  His jaw clenches as he squares off against Steve.  “Why?  Because I caught you off guard, didn’t duck fast enough?  Come on, Steve, I know you didn’t mean --”

“That’s the point, Danny!” Steve explodes.  “That’s the fucking point.  Whether I mean it or not, this is what happens.  People get hurt.  The people I care about get hurt.”

“Yeah, is that so?  Well maybe the people I care about get something, too.”

“What?  What, Danny?”

Danny steps into his space and he can feel his own coiled tension reflected right back at him, in the stubborn set of Danny’s shoulders, in the heat radiating off his chest.

“This.”

Steve doesn’t have time to react before Danny’s hands are on him, wrapping around the back of his neck, his hip, pulling him in and down.  He tastes the tang of copper and iron as their lips crash together and for a moment it’s violent, and Steve falls into it.  Violence is familiar.

Option B:  Core Four AU Steve comes back from being presumed dead after the Hesse fiasco in North Korea and opens an acupuncture clinic.  Danny is building a new life on the island after losing his wife.  Steve starts to fall for Danny until he suspects that Danny is keeping a secret involving his little girl.  Kono is exasperated with all of the alphabet agencies that come into play -- CIA, FBI, ATF, and she just wants to know -- WTF?! Outlined but with two possible “reveals” I would need to choose from.  This one also give me an opportunity to play with world-building, because the setting is specific, involving an elaborate tree house, a zip line, and other things that end up getting SEALed in order to protect Grace. 

(There’s this)

“Kono, we are professional health care providers here,” he said.  “No dating clients.  And quit trying to set me up.”

“I’m asking for myself,” Kono said.  She beamed at him, a flash of white teeth and dimples.  “He’s adorable.  Like a . . . like a fluffy little lion cub.  I want to take him home and just --”

“Okay then, Kono, let’s get --” Steve glanced down at his schedule -- “Mr. Wilson into a treatment room.”

“Can I get him to put on a gown?” Kono asked.  

Steve looked at her sternly as she blinked in mock innocence.

(And this)

Then again, Danny wasn’t most people.  He noticed everything.  Too many years of training and practice to stop now -- besides, the stakes had never been higher, and his powers of observation, of reading people, of seeing through disguises and lies, might just be the edge that would keep him and his daughter alive until this mess was over.

He pulled off the road onto the narrow gravel drive leading back to the beleaguered property that was not only his cover, but his home -- his fortress.  He pulled up to the gate and keyed in one of two codes -- the one that verified that all was well, and that he was not under duress.  The gate opened smoothly, its deliberately aged and tenuous appearance belying that it was part of the newly installed state-of-the-art defense.    

The drive was long, curving around dense areas of vegetation that still hinted at previous deliberate planning and careful attention.  With a bit of work, the grounds would once again be functional and attractive.  His Camaro handled the gentle incline with ease, and soon he was pulling into the ground level garage of his home, opening the garage door with another code.  It slid closed behind him, the motion sensors glowing at each other in the dim light.  A third code was entered at the door between the garage and the house, the heavy deadbolt sliding open.  Danny locked the door behind him and reset the alarm.

“You realize that three sets of coded entry is going to be difficult to explain to visitors,” a calm voice said.  The clink of glass on porcelain in the kitchen, along with the scent of rich Kona coffee, was welcome.

(And this)

Steve took the long way home, the windows of his truck rolled down, filling the cab with fresh, fragrant air.  He knew he would never tire of this, never tire of being back home, back on Oahu.  Pulling into the driveway was something that at one point, he was sure he’d never do again -- he’d never take it for granted.  The house itself felt in turn far too empty and far too full of ghosts, but he couldn’t imagine not living here.  He was making peace with both the solitude and the presences he couldn’t quite shake.  When Mary was well enough to be discharged, he would bring her here, where he could watch over her, protect her the way a brother should, care for her like she needed.  He’d drag her out into the sunshine and fresh air.  It would help.  It had to.  

He keyed in the alarm code and slipped inside the still house.  Ignoring the boxes half-packed in his father’s office, gathering dust, he headed for the kitchen.  

Option C:  A case from Danny’s past comes back to haunt the team and threaten the island.  This one is not really outlined.  Possibly gen/case fic, possibly newly McDanno, potentially an OC interest for Steve when the original profiler, who considers this case her one failure, comes to help (because I love playing with OCs and creating better love interests for him than the show manages to do, and I loved the dynamic with Steve and Alicia Brown, and even though I didn’t see it as romantic, I think Steve could fall for someone who is a match for him intellectually and who would understand what his years in the underbelly of Naval intel did to his psyche, and I love the ‘brilliant, mentally tough but physically vulnerable person matched with the brilliant, physically tough but emotionally vulnerable person” trope, sue me).  And I love exploring Danny’s back stories and volatility and the reasons that his marriage failed because his job came first.  We would see a darker Danny in this and that intrigues me. I might also jump the timeline for the first time (for me) put this post season-4, meaning Junior and Tani instead of Chin and Kono.  

There’s this:

“We called him the Holiday Weekend Killer,” Danny said.  “First body, just like this one, the Tuesday after President’s Day weekend.  We found the next body the day after Easter.  And then another the Tuesday after Memorial Day.  And then we ran ourselves into the ground all through the heat of the summer, got nowhere, and the fourth body showed up the day after Labor Day.  We missed Thanksgiving with our families with nothing to show for it but another dead woman -- this one we had to identify with dental records, because the son of a bitch had four days to torture her.  We took off twenty-four hours, Christmas Eve into Christmas Day, might as well, since we had no fucking leads.  He had almost a month with that poor girl, college student, aged out of the foster system, so no one fucking noticed she was missing until classes started again in January.  Christmas Day, no one even fucking knew that beautiful --”

 Danny broke off with a muttered curse and walked out of the room, pushing the doors open with such force that they struck the walls behind, the sound echoing as Steve and Max stood in shocked silence.

 “Give us a few, yeah, Max?” Steve said quietly.  

He caught up with Danny in the basement locker room, the soles of his shoes sticking out of the stall where he was retching over the toilet.  Steve grabbed a length of paper toweling and wet it at the sink.

Danny staggered out of the stall and silently accepted Steve’s offering, wiping his face and mouth.  He balled up the toweling and dropped it into the wastebasket, then rinsed his mouth at the sink, hands trembling on the faucet.

Steve waited, arms crossed, leaning against the door of the locker room.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” he said, when Danny finally turned off the water, leaning over the sink, his breath coming in ragged gasps.  “We’ll all understand if you need to sit this one out.”

It happened so fast that Steve flinched in surprise, Danny’s hand lashing out and shattering the mirror in front of him.

“Sit it out?  Why bother?  This fucking animal already destroyed my marriage, almost cost me my baby girl, not to mention the pile of pretty young corpses we processed.  Processed lots of bodies, Steve, but precious little evidence.  I’ll have them FedEx it to us, shouldn’t take much to send one fucking file box full of nothing useful,” Danny exploded.  “Sit this one out?  What, just do paperwork while I watch you and Chin run yourselves into the ground, while we all try to pretend that we aren’t worried sick about the possibility of this guy getting his hands on Kono?  While Max stacks up bodies in the morgue?  Bodies that no one claims?  Because this guy, this guy, Steve, he knows how to pick his victims.”

“Danny,” Steve sighed.  He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck.  “Danny, we have -- we have resources here, we can cut through red tape.  If it is the guy --”

“Cigarette burns on the soles of their feet, Steve, do you have any idea --”

Danny stopped short at the flicker of emotion that Steve couldn’t mask quickly enough.  He met Steve’s gaze and held it.

“Yeah,” Steve said.  “We’re going to get this guy, Danny.  Now listen, the first thing we need to know -- is this personal?  With him and you?  Is he here, now, on Oahu, because you’re here?”

[reconditarmonia]

Dear Rule 63 Author

(It’s finally happening! Thank you so much for signing up!)

I’m reconditarmonia here and on AO3 (and have been since LJ days, but my LJ is locked down and I only have a DW to see locked things). I have anon messaging off, but, er, I can answer any questions you might have about my requests in my mod capacity if you contact the exchange email ;)

Fullmetal Alchemist | History Boys | Pride and Prejudice | Robin Hood | Spinning Silver

General likes:

– Relationships that aren’t built on romance or attraction. They can be romantic or sexual as well, but my favorite ships are all ones where it would still be interesting or compelling if the romantic component never materialized.

– Loyalty kink! Trust, affectionate or loving use of titles, gestures of loyalty, replacing one's situational or ethical judgment with someone else's, risking oneself (physically or otherwise) for someone else, not doing so on their orders. Can be commander-subordinate or comrades-in-arms.

– Heists, or other stories where there’s a lot of planning and then we see how the plan goes.

– Femslash, complicated or intense relationships between women, and female-centric gen. Women doing “male” stuff (possibly while crossdressing).

– Stories whose emotional climax or resolution isn’t the sex scene, if there is one.

– Uniforms/costumes/clothing.

– Stories, history, and performance. What gets told and how, what doesn’t get told or written down, behavior in a society where everyone’s consuming media and aware of its tropes, how people create their personas and script their own lines.

General DNW: rape/dubcon, torture, other creative gore; unrequested AUs, including “same setting, different rules” AUs such as soulmates/soulbonds; PWP; food sex; embarrassment; focus on pregnancy; Christmas/Christian themes; focus on unrequested canon or non-canon ships.

A note: I'm generally fine with "/" ships where the fic doesn't contain a kiss, overt declaration of love, etc. I'll trust that you wrote it with shippy intent and don't expect you to force in something that wouldn't fit the story.

About Rule 63 Exchange specifically: I have no strong preference for character names, with a slight preference for sticking with their canon names; it's up to you whether you want to justify any resulting names that would be unusual for women or just gloss over it. As far as characters' personalities and gender expression are concerned, you can tell from my requests that part of what interests me in most of the characters I requested is the question of what they and/or their relationships would be like in a world where they grew up as women, but I tend to want to see them as similar to their canon selves, just female. I'm probably fine with unrequested characters also being swapped to female, but feel free to check if you're not sure; please don't swap any female characters to male.

For this exchange, I've requested only fanfiction and only Always a 63, and with the exception of FMA, have requested non-smut (for FMA both smut and non-smut are good).

—

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist

Ship(s): F!Roy Mustang/Riza Hawkeye, F!Roy Mustang/F!Maes Hughes, F!Roy Mustang & Riza Hawkeye & F!Maes Hughes, F!Roy Mustang & F!Maes Hughes

I only recently started watching FMA:Brotherhood and I love it a lot. My fannish interests run towards military contexts, loyalty kink, idealistic/noble characters, and ambitious/pragmatic characters, so I'd love to read more about any of these combinations of people trusting one another to be the best person to do the job, or to know what to do, and risking a lot on that - whether that's on campaign in the war, when trying to get Roy up the chain of command, during the conflict with the homunculi... (I'm not yet up to the bit where Roy tells Riza he trusts her to shoot him in the back if he steps off the path, but it's been mentioned to me and it is my JAM.)

(My requests are fairly unspecific because as I write this I'm only about a quarter of the way through the anime. DO NOT worry about avoiding spoilers in the fic; I'm getting through the canon and can't wait to read whatever you want to write. Although I should specifically say, feel free to either have Hughes continue to be alive or stick to canon in this regard.)

Smut Likes: clothing, sexual tension, breasts, oral sex, grinding, informal d/s elements, intensity

Fandom-Specific DNW: please avoid canon-typical loss of body parts. If writing Roy/Maes in a period when Maes would canonically be married to Gracia, please don’t kill her off or get into either infidelity angst or poly negotiation; an AU where they never married or the assumption of an open relationship are both fine.

—

Fandom: History Boys

Ship(s): F!Stuart Dakin/F!Tom Irwin, F!Entire Class & F!Tom Irwin, F!Entire Class & F!Douglas Hector

I'm dying to know what the cultural touchstones would be if this plot were about lesbians instead of gay men. Auden, for instance, keeps coming up in the play - Hector loves him, Dakin and the other students bring him up to feel out Irwin - Housman, Bette Davis in Now Voyager...so what's acceptable and/or eccentric Culture for lesbians to cling to, or to signal (or flirt, or come-on) with? Who are the writers and the icons? During canon(/pre-, if applicable with Hector) or post-canon Oxbridge-slash-TV-historian life, it's all great. I, like most of the fandom, do like the idea that Dakin and Irwin do make it work at some point, post-canon.

Although I acknowledge that female versions of these characters feeling shut out of the historical and literary Canon is a valid place to go with the concept (I mean, that's Mrs. Lintott's speech), I'm more interested in following through on the way that the canon (little-c) characters relate historical or literary figures and events to their own lives - whether that's using more female figures, or finding things to seize on and relate to in the male figures of the Canon (in a fuck-you women-are-like-this-too way or a gay way rather than a Great-Men-are-universally-relatable way, I suppose).

—

Fandom: Pride and Prejudice

Ship(s): Elizabeth Bennet/F!Fitzwilliam Darcy, Jane Bennet/F!Charles Bingley

I would love to see how the basic narrative of P&P, or scenes from it, could play out, with period setting and some level of period attitudes, if either (or both) of the two main men are women looking for a "companion" or being pursued as a "companion," rather than as a husband. (Yes, I've been watching Gentleman Jack, but I've wanted this sort of thing for longer than that.)

To be clear, period attitudes can be "meh" rather than wall-to-wall homophobia; I'd just prefer to explore the implications of this change rather than supposing that same-sex marriage is accepted and everything about the plot is the same. If Jane, the eldest daughter to marry off, isn't interested in a heterosexual marriage? If Elizabeth turns down Collins without any expectation that a more suitable man could exist? (Having characters be bi rather than lesbian works too, I'm just throwing out some examples.) The significance of dancing, when in a formal dance context you'd encounter another woman in the dance but wouldn't be able to have her as a partner? Jane and Bingley being adorable, or Elizabeth and Darcy coming to revise their initial ill opinions of each other in this new context? Are the men a hot ticket for the women of Hertfordshire in the same way if they're women instead?

—

Fandom: Robin Hood (Traditional)

Ship(s): F!Robin Hood/F!Little John, F!Robin Hood & F!Merry Men, F!Robin Hood & Merry Men, F!Robin Hood & F!Little John, F!Robin Hood & Little John

Tell me about these people! A female outlaw commanding the loyalty of a mixed or male group -- or an all-female group of outlaws, how they live, what might have led them to choose that life. I'm also here for Robin Hood's relationship with her right-hand man/woman specifically, because I love loyalty kink -- people willing to go into danger for one another, the leader knowing how best to use her right hand's skills and strengths, what elements of formality might appear in, well, a very ad-hoc group. (And f!Little John would probably be hot.) If you're writing the Little John pairings, feel free to make the Merry Men either their canon versions or female versions.

I'd totally be into any of the f!characters crossdressing as men vis-à-vis the world at large, although if you go this route I'd rather have them not be in disguise to each other/to their own allies (so no Merry Men thinking they're being led by another man when it's crossdressing Robin, for instance - preferring masculine clothing/appearance even among friends is fine, though).

—

Fandom: Spinning Silver

Ship(s): F!Staryk Lord/Miryem Mandelstam

I love Miryem, and I'm so interested in the ways that making the Staryk Lord a woman would change Miryem's entry into the Staryk world and the romance that eventually develops between them. Maybe same-sex marriage is common among the Staryk, and that's one of the customs that are new and unfamiliar to Miryem in this new world. Would this be a Miryem who had never imagined being attracted to a woman before but comes to fall for the Staryk Lady, or one who simply couldn't have imagined being able to marry one and have that be a normal life? (For values of "normal" that include ice lands and gold magic!) How does the fact of the marriage being same-sex affect Miryem's initial understanding of it as a business arrangement, or for that matter, affect her understanding of the offer of queenship as a marriage at all? What makes them fall for each other?

Canon Miryem wonders what her role as queen is, thinking that she'd know about managing a household and having children and sewing if she were married to a human lord - is it the same if she has a fairy wife instead of a fairy husband, more so because there's not even the hope of a gendered complementarian aspect to fall back on, less so because the Staryk Lady is there as an example of what a female monarch in the Staryk lands does? Does Miryem try to be more like her, or to find her own accounting-powers-and-personal-bonds niche?

It's so important to canon Miryem to have a Jewish wedding with the Staryk Lord - what would that look like here? What happens when she comes back to the human world not only the queen of a magic country, but married to a woman (and in love with her, depending on when you set it)?

[quoteablebooks]

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Historical Fiction

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Synopsis:

The year is 1945. Claire Randall, a former combat nurse, is just back from the war and reunited with her husband on a second honeymoon when she walks through a standing stone in one of the ancient circles that dot the British Isles. Suddenly she is a Sassenach—an “outlander”—in a Scotland torn by war and raiding border clans in the year of Our Lord...1743. Hurled back in time by forces she cannot understand, Claire is catapulted into the intrigues of lairds and spies that may threaten her life, and shatter her heart. For here James Fraser, a gallant young Scots warrior, shows her a love so absolute that Claire becomes a woman torn between fidelity and desire—and between two vastly different men in two irreconcilable lives.

*Opinions*

I did something a little different this time and wrote the review while I was reading since it was such a long novel. That has lead it to be a rather long review. 

I have had this book for almost a year at this point, but at almost 900 pages it was rather intimidating, especially with my inability to find time to read recently. However, I finally decided to take the bull by the horns and dive in. I was so pleased to see that most of the chapters are broken up into smaller segments, making it easier to move quickly through the book and not being locked into needing forty-five minutes to get through a chapter. I’m one of those people that really hates stopping in the middle of a chapter without a clear break in the action. There is also a good pace to the novel so that it's not that hard to convince yourself to go one more chapter break or make it to the end of the chapter. That being said, the overall plot of the story moves rather slowly, which would account for the novel's 850 pages. Still, after all the hype, I went in cautiously, not wanting to get my hopes up and be disappointed as I have been in the past. 

We started in the “present” of 1945 and even though we aren’t in 1945 long, Frank Randall finds the page time to be rather condescending and annoying. I do believe that is the point, his dismissal of his wife while he hunts down the family connection with Jonathan “Black Jack” Randall, to highlight the difference with Jamie, but it still bothered me. Now, I get it, I have family members who are very into genealogy, but to complete ignore your wife who you barely saw for six years to look at old records is ridiculous. Also, Frank’s view of adoption instantly made me sour toward him, but it’s a viewpoint that a number of people still hold. Not to mention how he reacted to Claire swearing. Now my viewpoint might be colored because I know that Jaime is the main romantic interest due to the television show, but still. Just saying you love someone doesn’t mean much when you’re a giant ass, Frank. To be honest, I don’t know why Claire tried so hard to get back to him. Getting back to indoor plumbing I understood, but not to get back to Frank. That coupled with his ancestor being the primary villain in the novel and I didn’t really give a damn about Frank. 

Something that I liked in regards to Jaime, which I hadn’t expected, was that he was younger than Claire. There was something so endearing about Jamie becoming flustered when Claire even suggested they sleep in the same room with absolutely not romantic intentions toward one another. Jaime has a lot of sweetness in him and while he has mysteries, he isn’t overly brooding, which is slightly overdone these days. Still, there are moments when he wants to be Claire's “master” that make him unlikable. Claire tells him no multiple times and they end up having sex anyway. While I am going to address this when it’s with males who aren’t Jaime, it is still nonconsensual sex (also known as rape) even if it’s a man that you are married to. You can argue that it’s the time and that makes it acceptable, seen a marital duty or whatever, but it doesn’t make Jaime likable. However, that doesn’t make me completely hate Jaime, due to his youth and inexperience, it just makes him a complex character. I just wish romance, as a genre, could stop pushing the no actually means a coy yes story line. It’s not sexy on the page or in real life. It’s rape. 

As with everything that is set in historical times, rape is spoken about, implied, and threatened on a number of occasions. It even happens to a male character, though I don’t want to spoil who. I understand, it is the truth of that point in time, but I personally feel that more of discussion needs to be had about it if you chose to focus on that part of history on so many occasions. I mean, Gabaldon has time travel in this novel, she could have toned down the amount non-consensual touching, kissing, undressing, groping, almost rape and actual rape in the case of Jaime taking Claire after she told him no on a couple occasions. Every male that runs into Claire either threatens to assault her or does assault her in some way and it’s just tiring. I thought that the novel was done with that particular issue once they had left the castle, but the minute that a male that was described as somewhat attractive and not crippled once again enters the narrative, Claire is forced into a position where she should be sexually assaulted. Then it is threatened again with a male that is mentally unstable. If that is the only way you can build tension in a scene with two members of the opposite sex, maybe take a step back and looking at how you’re crafting the story a little more carefully. This isn’t selling the romantic dream of every man wanting to be with you, it is reinforcing the knowledge that every woman has that we should always be on our guard and are never safe, which isn’t something I read fiction novels to be reminded of to this degree. 

One thing that I will give Gabaldon a small bit of credit for was how she dealt with the male rape victim in the novel. I don’t want to spoil who it is or the specifics surrounding the assault, but I believe she gave enough page space and emotional weight, Now this wasn’t just an assault, but torture as well, but the feeling of helplessness and shame that surrounded the character in regards to sex afterwards I believe was well done. However, that leads to another issue I have with this novel, that both homosexual characters are portrayed poorly. One is a villain and it is implied that he raped his younger brother, the other is a caricature and literally only in the novel for a while as a sort of comedic character, who also attempts to rape young boys. You can’t claim historical accuracy in this poor representation. While it might not have been written down, I highly doubt that every non-straight individual in the Scottish Highlands was a pedophile and/or rapist. 

Moving on from that, Gabaldon got the sibling dynamic between Jaime and his sister Jenny down pretty well. While we may live in a more civilized time, this is basically how arguments between me and my older brother go down, sans the whole kilt incident obviously. While it was frustrating that Jaime didn’t give her a chance to explain herself, especially when he already knew about Randall’s issue from Claire explaining her experience, it is a pretty accurate representation of sibling stubbornness. Jaime had years to form a picture in his mind of what had happened and it’s hard to listen to reason, from anyone, when that happens. Jaime’s interactions with his namesake nephew were also painfully adorable and it was a nice respite from the constant danger that they faced while at the castle. I really enjoyed this whole section of the novel, though the weird sexual display when describing what it’s like to be pregnant seemed a bit odd to me. Still, it was easy to understand the mood of the room and it was a rather wonderfully written section. 

Now to address the criticism that Claire is a Mary Sue that I had seen on a number of occasions. The knowledge that she had of medicine from her time as a nurse during the war makes perfect sense for the time period that she was living. The interest in herbs would also make sense if she had learned so much medical knowledge, hell I am interested in herbs and I have zero medical knowledge. While, I will admit, the whole traveling around with her uncle on archeological digs was a bit much, it’s no different than Indiana Jones and no one has a problem with him. While I don’t think that addition was necessary, most people adapt to roughing it when there is no other choice, it wasn’t something that pulled me out of the story. Honestly, I think what saves Claire from being insufferable is that she makes stupid decisions and is not a perfect person. I’m alright with a very knowledgeable main character as long as she also has flaws, which Claire has many. She is a very alive character and I appreciate that about her, even if I don’t like her all the time. 

It was a brave move on Gabaldon’s part, is that she lets the story take a very leisurely pace. There are whole sections that don’t move forward the plot, but they do give us the personality of the Scots that Claire is traveling with or meeting during her trip into the past. It is probably why the novel is almost 900 pages, however I appreciate learning to care about and getting complex characters to fall in love with or loath. While I do think that some areas could have been tightened up a bit, you are pulled with Claire into the Highlands and it is rare that you find yourself thinking that Gabaldon should just speed it up already. While it does seem as if the plot becomes a little repetitive, Claire finds herself in danger, is saved, becomes comfortable in her surrounds, and then the cycle is repeated, I never forced myself to pick up the book and dive back in. The only section that I found completely unnecessary was the entire battle with the wolf near the end of the book. The injuries from that encounter really have no bearing, nor does the actual killing as Claire is forced to kill humans a little later on. It was too long and I found myself really not all that interested. A couple paragraphs could have neatly wrapped up that section and moved the plot forward, but it was the only time I felt that way. It really is well situated to a television format, and it’s easy to see how sections could be broken up into episodes. I might search out the show now that I’m finished with the novel. Overall, I enjoyed my adventure in the Highlands and will continue with the rest of the series, but I don’t see this becoming my favorite series. There are just too many problems with it that I find hard to overlook or ignore.

[sunyoonandstars]

✨Linked✨ || BTS Soulmate AU Series || You x !Soulmate! Yoongi | You x Jimin || Part 15

Text/Social Media/Narrative Series || Soulmate & College AU

Previous Part | Next Part

LINKED MASTERLIST

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

― Plato, The Symposium

Credit goes to the incredible @789cream for creating this beautiful moodboard for my series. Thanks again!

Pairing You x !Soulmate! Yoongi You x Jimin

Word count 2.548

‘siblings’, according to age: Namjoon, Jimin, y/n, Taehyung (you grew up living in the same foster home as implied in earlier parts of this series)

fluff

Key: y/sh/n = your ship’s name

„Come on. Stop it. We’re seriously way too cozy for two perfect strangers.“

„Jeez, y/n. Can’t you just let me be? Cut a guy some slack. This is the best I have slept in months. Seems you’re like some kind of medicine to me. I didn’t even need my pills. So, just let me enjoy this. Please?“ He pauses. „And we’re not really strangers anymore, are we?“

Instantly, you cease from continuing your half-hearted attempts to regain your freedom, stunned by his simple question.

„I don’t think we ever really were strangers, to begin with“, you hesitantly whisper into the profound quiet that has seized the room. Even Suga now falls into complete immobility, still clinging to you, his face buried in your chest.

Minutes pass like that, with this man of whom you barely know much more than his name, holding you as if he was drowning and you were the only piece of driftwood left that saved him from certain death. Neither of you says a word. All you do is listen to Suga’s rhythmic breathing, a sound more soothing to you than any other. You can’t remember a time at which you felt equally secure.

A/N: This chapter may not be as exciting as you were hoping for. And it’s not as angsty as usual. But I just needed this. And the story needed this, too. Enjoy. I really hope you like it. Love, Ana

Previously, on ‘Linked’... 

Eventually, after years of successfully having avoided it, you have come across your soulmate. An ominous stranger of whom you know no more than the back of his head, his phone number and that he works as a part-time barista at your (former) favorite coffee shop. 

Having been pressured by a friend into contacting him, things start to get complicated. Because your heart already belongs to another. And, haunted by the ghosts of your past, the last thing you want is for your soul to find its one, true, destined mate. 

After texting back and forth for days with the man only known to you as your ‘Soulmate’, you are forced to break contact since he is starting to get too close and your boyfriend Jimin is anything but pleased with that. When your paths, however, cross, the ominous ‘Suga’, as he calls himself, refrains from revealing his true identity to you - which would mean an instant link of souls and the end of his torture -  and, instead, is set on making his way into your life the right way. 

A fateful accident at your workplace is followed by a visit to the emergency room and a falling out with your boyfriend, leading you to turn to a virtual stranger for comfort ... 

Soulmates.

You had always dreaded the day on which the birthmark on your left wrist would suddenly start itching, whereas for most people the moment their one and only destined soulmate’s name was supposed to reveal itself, burning under their skin, couldn’t seem to come soon enough.

Foolish romantics.

Because once both sides acknowledge their destined soulmate, a connection forms which can never be undone. Not even by death.

Who in their right mind would voluntarily bind their soul to that of another for life? To share their every joy and hurt and be faithful until they take their very last breath without even having a choice? To suffer indescribable agony once the other one exits this life and be left in utter loneliness, so bottomlessly deep nothing will ever be able to fill it again, causing you physical pain and insanity?  

That’s right. Not you. Especially, because your heart already belongs to someone else … Does it though?

CHAPTER 15

You are awoken by the sound of a phone repeatedly vibrating somewhere in the room. The ceaseless sound eventually leads you to, only reluctantly, return to reality and depart from the soundest sleep you had in what feels like a lifetime. 

The second you open your eyes, though, you are instantly wide awake, a stifled scream leaving your parted lips as you freeze in place, paralyzed by the initial shock.  

„What the —“

You find yourself looking wide-eyed at the face of a man that clearly isn’t your boyfriend Jimin. It’s that Suga. Still fast asleep, it appears. Only mere inches separate the two of you. He’s so close, his warm breath brushes your skin. 

You can’t help but keep staring. He looks so peaceful. And beautiful. You have to restrain yourself and actively keep your hand from reaching out to touch his pale cheek, your fingertips tingling with the urge to find out what it would feel like. 

But what’s the meaning of all this?, your thoughts start racing the moment you realize that you must have spent the night on a sofa in what seems to be a music studio. 

Right. 

Slowly but surely, the memories of last night come back to you. 

You accompanied Suga to his studio where you were supposed to work on some collaboration with him but instead ended up crying. A lot. Suga calmed you down, helped you breathe and, apparently, fall asleep. And, for some reason, you just woke up holding his hand in yours. Or rather clinging onto it for dear life, it seems. 

What the hell were you thinking, y/n!?

Immediately, you let go of his warm hand and push it as far away from your body as possible, your stupid heart racing as if you’d just ran a marathon. 

Eyes as big as dinner plates, you hold your breath as Suga now starts moving next to you, his brows drawing together for an irritated frown. 

„What’s wrong with you?“, he goes on to grumble in a slurred voice that’s still heavy with sleep, not bothering to open his eyes, his words barely understandable. „Let me sleep, for fuck’s sake.“

All right …

Still unable to bring your limbs to move or even as much as get a word to pass your lips, you choose to merely lie there and let it happen as Suga moves closer yet, one leg now wrapped around yours and his arm casually draped across your waist, lips pursed in an adorable pout. 

No. No, y/n. Nothing about this is adorable. Get a grip! 

„What?“, he sighs, annoyance clearly discernible in his tone, after minutes of suspenseful silence have passed with you still stuck in his embrace, constantly reminding yourself not to get too comfortable. „Your tension is rubbing off on me. That’s not acceptable. Don’t you like this?“

„Yes, I do but — No! That’s not —“ You press your eyelids shut and draw a deep breath in order to stop yourself from spouting any more nonsense, unwilling to give Suga the satisfaction of actually admitting that you indeed enjoy his nearness, as you feel a hot blush slowly occupy your cheeks. 

„It’s just — I think your phone keeps buzzing. Don’t you wanna answer it? And how can you sleep through that anyway? This noise is literally driving me crazy.“ 

„I’m a very good sleeper. And that’s not my phone, by the way.“

Still, his eyes remain closed. 

„How would you know?“

„Mine died last night before I went to sleep. And yours keeps doing that. Vibrating nonstop. You must be very popular. It’s rather bothersome.“ 

Shit. Tae. Jimin. At least one of them is most likely worried out of their mind by now. 

„Fuck!“, the whispered curse escapes your lips, eliciting a low chuckle from Suga. A shiver runs down your spine when his hot breath strikes your neck. 

„What? Worried about that boyfriend of yours?“ 

With these words, he comfortably nestles his head into the crook of your neck, streaks of his mint-colored hair tickling your sensitive skin.  You can picture his smug grin without even looking. 

„Is this funny to you?“

„Not particularly.“

„Then let go of me!“, you hiss, struggling to free yourself from his arm, but, in response, Suga merely tightens his grip on you. 

„No“, he sulkily mumbles into the fabric of your jumper, shaking his head. 

„Come on. Stop it. We’re seriously way too cozy for two perfect strangers.“

„Jeez, y/n. Can’t you just let me be? Cut a guy some slack. This is the best I have slept in months. Seems you’re like some kind of medicine to me. I didn’t even need my pills. So, just let me enjoy this. Please?“ He pauses. „And we’re not really strangers anymore, are we?“ 

Instantly, you cease from continuing your half-hearted attempts to regain your freedom, stunned by his simple question. 

„I don’t think we ever really were strangers, to begin with“, you hesitantly whisper into the profound quiet that has seized the room. Even Suga now falls into complete immobility, still clinging to you, his face buried in your chest. 

Minutes pass like that, with this man of whom you barely know much more than his name, holding you as if he was drowning and you were the only piece of driftwood left that saved him from certain death. Neither of you says a word. All you do is listen to Suga’s rhythmic breathing, a sound more soothing to you than any other. You can’t remember a time at which you felt equally secure. 

Until you catch a glimpse of your wristwatch. 

„Shit!“, you shout out the second you realize that it’s already past noon, coming back down to earth with a jolt. 

„What now?“, Suga mumbles against your shoulder, not bothering to lift his head. 

„The time. It’s almost one p.m.. Fuck! Let go. I need to leave.“

You try to sit up, but he won’t let you, holding you in place with both his arms wrapped around your waist. 

„Yah! Suga! Let go!“

„Why?“ 

„I already missed two classes today! I need to get going.“ 

„Why?“

„What do you mean why?“ With a groan, you temporarily abandon your efforts to break free from his viselike grip. „I can’t miss the remaining two. Or people will ask questions. I don’t know about your classes, but in mine attendance is mandatory, you know. Someone will notice if I’m not there.“ 

You can feel him shrug his shoulders. 

„So what? Didn’t you just say you missed two classes already? So it’s too late now anyway.“

Finally, he loosens his embrace and props his head up on his hand so he can look you in the eye. 

„Don’t go. Stay here with me instead. Let’s work on the collab. It’s gonna be perfect to get your mind off things. And I’m sure you’re a model student when I’m not involved.“ His last words are accompanied by a cheeky little smirk.  It suits him. 

„So, I guess missing your classes for once won’t end your academic career, right? Just tell the profs you weren’t feeling well. You wouldn’t even be lying. After last night, I’d say a day off would do you good. What do you say? Turn your phone off and just stay. In here. Shut the world out for a few hours. I do it all the time when everything just gets too much.“ 

Nibbling at your lower lip, your heart rate quickening once more, you avoid Suga’s searching gaze as you ponder the alternatives to his enticing proposal. 

„Well … I guess you’re right. It’s too late to go to my classes now anyway. And I’m not really feeling up to it.“

„See? So just stay. Or go. Whatever you’re comfortable with. But take today off. Just spend it doing whatever you want. And whatever’s gonna help you feel better.“ 

„That sounds nice. I think I needed to hear this.“

With a frown, Suga eventually lets go of you and retracts, bringing enough distance between the two of you to have a good view of your face.  

„You don’t need anyone’s permission to give yourself a break once in a while, you know?“, he starts talking, his voice calm and his expression grave. „Not mine, not your boyfriend’s. Literally not anyone’s consent but your own. Don’t be so hard on yourself all the time, y/n. Sometimes we need to make room so we can breathe. Life can get overwhelming. That doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s only human.“ 

Once again his words undo a knot that you didn’t even know was there but that apparently had been sitting right there in your chest for as long as you can remember. It feels like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Breathing never was so easy. 

„Do you understand?“, Suga inquires as you remain silent, his eyes searching yours, brows drawn together. 

You barely manage a nod in response, not trusting your vocal cords while your eyes well up against your will. 

„Good. Now, let’s stop with the tears, all right? I mean, it’s okay to let it all out, of course. But I feel kinda uncomfortable with being remembered as the guy who made you cry all the time, okay?“

„Okay“, you sniffle, hiding your face in your hands, his words actually educing a genuine smile from you. 

„Great. Now, let’s get to work.“ Giving a yawn, Suga gets up from the sofa and stretches his limbs before he turns around to questioningly raise a brow at you. 

„Or don’t you wanna? I mean, it’s perfectly fine if you wanna go and do something else instead“, he nonchalantly claims, but the rosy tint of his cheeks tells another story. 

Cute, you think to yourself.

„No. I want to stay. I really do“, you reply without hesitation, only now becoming fully aware of the fact that that’s indeed what you long to do the most. „I want to stay.“ 

„Really?“ He almost sounds surprised. „That’s great. I’m sure we’ll get a lot of work done. It’s still early and I feel rested and ready to work. What about you? Hungry? Thirsty? There’s a shower down the hall, in case you wanna freshen up. You can lock the door, so you don’t have to be afraid that somebody might come in. And I have a few spare shirts lying around here somewhere. Drinks and food in the fridge. We could literally stay holed up in here all day long.“ 

„Wow, you’re prepared for any eventuality, huh?“ 

You can’t help but let out a short laugh. Never before have you heard Suga complete as many consecutive sentences as he did just now, especially not in such an excited manner. 

„Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at you“, you immediately apologize as you are forced to witness regret overshadow his beautiful features. 

„Nah, it’s alright“, he shrugs his shoulders. „At least I made you laugh. So, anything you need? Should I go get breakfast while you’re in the shower? I mean, I don’t usually eat breakfast. But if you’re —“

„Yes, I’m hungry“, you cut him off, smiling. „It’s very considerate of you to make such an offer. But I’m honestly content with whatever you have here.“

„Well“, Suga grins. „Ramen and rice balls it is, then.“ 

„Sounds good to me.“ „So, you’re a girl of simple taste?“ 

„Maybe. Maybe not.“ 

You wink at him as you push aside the blanket he must have covered you in last night and eventually get up from the sofa, going on to straighten your back with a content sigh. 

„Jeez, I’m glad you don’t have a single mirror in here. I’m sure I look like crap“, you mumble, more to yourself, running a hand through your messy hair. 

„You look fine to me.“ 

You can’t hold back an amused scoff. 

„Sure. You don’t sound too convincing, but thanks for trying.“ You avoid Suga’s deep, dark eyes, feeling them follow your every move. „So, that shirt you mentioned …“

„Oh. Yeah. Sure. Hold on a sec.“ 

While you slowly make your way to the small studio’s door, Suga starts hectically searching through a few drawers until he comes up with a black long-sleeved jersey. 

„This should do.“

„It’s perfect.“ 

„The bathroom?“

„Fifth door to the left, just around the corner.“

„Thanks.“ 

You slip out of the room without looking back, quickly closing the door behind you before Suga can say another word. 

Yoongi can feel his heart pound against his aching rib cage even though you are long gone. Unable to move, he just keeps standing there, staring at the door through which you just left, part of him still astounded by the way things went between the two of you ever since you entered his studio last night and part of him afraid that it was all just a mirage, that you didn’t look at him the way you did but that he merely needed you to and only saw what he wanted to see. He can’t lose the feeling that he will somehow scare you away if he doesn’t make a better effort to keep his feelings in check in the future. That quiet little voice in the back of Yoongi’s mind just won’t stop taunting him. 

She’s gonna leave you, it mocks him. Just like they all do. You’re gonna be your usual self and as soon as she gets to know you for who you really are, she’s out the door. Maybe you creeped her out already? Maybe she won’t come back from the bathroom? What are you gonna do then, hmm? Are you gonna make her link with you? 

„No!“, he screams out loud, startled by the sound of his own voice echoing throughout the silent studio. 

With a shake of his head, he gets rid of those poisonous thoughts. 

No. He’s not going to make you link with him. That’s now what you want. That’s not what it should be like. The last thing Yoongi wants is to force a love on you that you do not believe in. 

For now, he is perfectly content with simply loving you, even if his feelings might now be reciprocated. Not yet, anyway. With simply being here for you, catching your fall and helping you back up. That’s already so much more than he could ever have asked for, more than he dared to imagine he could possibly have. 

The ghosts of his past should remain just that, he decides. They shouldn’t be allowed to haunt what the two of you could have together. 

And he will not have any kind of expectations on you. 

This is just the beginning. 

Then why keeps Yoongi’s heart racing like that of a nervous schoolboy as he anxiously awaits your return? Why do his thoughts wander down paths of imaginary futures, possibilities upon possibilities, each more painful than the last? Why do you make his knees turn to water? You, the rogue variable. The only thing in this whole world that could make him come undone. Nonetheless, he is drawn to you like a moth towards the flame. And he won’t fight it anymore. 

Even if you will be the end of him, it shall be a glorious one. 

END OF CHAPTER 15 || TO BE CONTINUED

Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it so far and this chapter didn’t disappoint. 😌

Here you can find my Masterlist in case you feel like checking out more of my BTS fiction.

Also, if you have Spotify, you can listen to the ‘official’ playlist to the ‘Linked’ series here. It contains all the songs having been sent back and forth between Yoongi and the reader in the past and some more tunes fitting the series’ vibe.  

Take care and have a great day! ☺️💖

NONE of the GIFs used are mine. Credit goes to the initial creators. Thank you for your hard work and dedication.

[acsversace-news]

This week’s review takes a look at the latest episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace, “A Random Killing.” Spoilers follow.

The Victims

It’s May 1997, and the murder of Gianni Versace is is still three months away. Versace may still be alive in the timeframe of this episode, but he’s absent here – off somewhere living his life, still blissfully unaware that Andrew Cunanan is weeks away from destroying it all.

It’s fitting that since episode 3, “A Random Killing,” is the first Versace-less episode of The Assassination of Gianni Versace, it’s also the first episode of the season that feels drastically different. As this show continues to tick backwards, like Christopher Nolan’s Memento, the timeline shifts, altering itself, ever-changing. Gone are the brightly-lit beaches and pastel colored buildings of Miami Beach. In its place are the affluent suburbs of Chicago, where Cunanan has brought his own brand of destruction.

“A Random Killing” opens with a chilling, horror-movie-tinged opening sequence in which Home Shopping Network saleswoman Marilyn Miglin returns home from a business trip and quickly discovers something is very wrong. Her husband Lee was supposed to pick her up at the airport – but he never arrived. Marilyn takes a cab home, and the tension builds, and builds, and builds, to a point where it feels as if the episode will burst. Marilyn’s affluent row home seems haunted, or cursed, when she steps through the door. It’s too quiet, too barren. Things that might be perfectly mundane under normal circumstances, like a pint of ice cream left out on a kitchen counter, suddenly take on an ominous feel. Soon, neighbors and police have arrived, and what they discover is enough to make a neighbor let out a blood-curdling scream: Lee Miglin has been brutally murdered.

He’s not the only victim who loses his life at the hands of Andrew Cunanan. Later, we see Cunanan gun down William Reese, a caretaker at a Civil War cemetery. While this act is carried out on the spur of the moment – Andrew shoots Reese almost as an afterthought – the title of the episode indicates only one of these killings is random, and yet when that distinction comes up, it’s applied to the murder of Lee Miglin, not William Reese. The devil is in the details.

“I Could Almost Be”

The Andrew Cunanan at the center of “A Random Killing” is a completely different Cunanan than we’ve seen in previous episodes. At the end of last week’s episode, “Manhunt,” Cunanan’s mask of sanity began to slip as he rattled off a laundry list of all the different phony personalities he’s used throughout his life. Here, the smooth, fast-talking con artist is lying dormant while the cold, calculated predator is on full display. Andrew is on the run here – he later mentions he’s already killed two people very close to him, and later still police mention that a stolen vehicle Andrew was driving was “linked to the homicide of Jeff Trail.” Remember that name.

While we have yet to witness these two previous murders Andrew mentions, it’s clear that he’s unhinged. He’s fleeing for his life, and not really sure where to go. He ends up at the home of the wealthy Lee Miglin, a man who has seemingly be happily married for years, with a grown son – yet he’s also a man who is also hiding a secret.

Secret lives are a big theme of this season of American Crime Story, and just as Andrew has spent his entire life trying to pretend he was someone else, so, too, has Lee Miglin. The episode flashes back a week before his murder, and we see that Lee and his wife Marilyn are, indeed, happily married…yet Lee is struggling. He kneels in the homemade chapel he has tucked away in his large house, and swears to God that he tries, he really tries, to fight his urges. But it’s no use.

When Lee receives a late-night phone call from Andrew Cunanan, just as Marilyn is about to go out of town, Lee gives in to his urges, and gives Andrew permission to come over. When Andrew arrives, he skips the pleasantrees. He’s not trying to impress Lee, or lure him. Lee, seemingly oblivious to this, embraces Andrew. He wants to be loved by this young man, whom we later learn had worked as a male escort for Lee. “I’m not a fool,” Lee says, “I know it’s not real.” But he wants it to be real. He wants it to be real just as Andrew wants his constant lies about his own success to be real. Andrew senses the weakness in Lee, and like any sociopath, decides to exploit it. There’s a quick moment where Andrew has a gun raised at Lee’s back, ready to cut the elderly man down. Yet he hesitates – not out of sympathy, but rather because he realizes he can draw Lee Miglin’s death out; change it from a quick, cold slaying into a calculated act of torture. He passionately kisses Lee, then says, “You’ve never been kissed like that before, have you?”

Befuddled and under Andrew’s romantic spell, Lee whimpers that Andrew isn’t like the other escorts. “I could almost be a husband,” Andrew says, “or a partner. I could almost be. I really could…almost.”

Almost.

What follows is a horrifying sequence in which Andrew wraps Lee’s head in tape – a call-back to last week’s episode, where Andrew did the same thing with a John. From here, Andrew brutally murders lee, taunting him as he does so, telling the dying man that he’s going to dress his corpse in women’s panties and leave gay porn strewn around his corpse. “I want the world to see the great Lee Miglin is a sissy,” Andrew snarls, then adds: “What terrifies you more: death, or being disgraced?”

It’s a chilling sequence, and if the previous two episodes haven’t already destroyed any sort of empathy you might have for Andrew Cunanan as a character, surely this moment will do the trick (note: Andrew’s actions get even worse in the next two episodes, so be warned).

A Random Killing

I’m still having trouble accepting the backwards narrative of The Assassination of Gianni Versace. As the show unfolds, it becomes increasingly unclear as to why Ryan Murphy and company chose to approach this story this way. Perhaps it’s meant to emulate the way a detective investigating the murder of Versace might uncover the story: starting at the end, and working their way back. Perhaps. Yet this approach remains more distracting than innovative.

What continues to make Versace work, however, are the performances, and the direction. Darren Criss’ work as Cunanan remains stunning, even if Cunanan as a character grows more and more repulsive. Criss’ ability to slip from charming to terrifying is no easy feat, yet the actor handles this, and the other intricacies of the part, masterfully.

This week’s guest stars turn in stellar work as well. Mike Farrell, as the doomed Lee Miglin, is inherently sympathetic, making his murder all the more heart wrenching. Scenes showing Lee struggling to fight his sexual urges are handled deftly by Farrell, and the way the actor reacts to his wife telling him she always enjoys his company, seeming both touched and surprised, is one of the episode’s best moments.

The always-amazing Judith Light, as Lee’s wife Marilyn, gets the bulk of the heavy emotional lifting here, and Light doesn’t fail to disappoint. Moments after Lee’s murder is uncovered, Light’s Marilyn springs into action, taking stock of all the items Andrew stole from the house. She fights to remain strong, yet breaks down ever-so-briefly near the episode’s conclusion. This momentary sign of weakness is quickly replaced by fury. Marilyn makes it abundantly clear that everyone, including the police, whom she has influence over thanks to her wealth, are to treat Lee’s murder as a random killing. She refuses to let anyone claim that Lee knew his murderer, because she doesn’t want her husband’s name dragged through the mud. The personal items, and Lee’s life, are the only things Marilyn says she’ll allow Andrew to steal from her. “He won’t steal my good name,” she says.

There is a question of propriety here. The Assassination of Gianni Versace is not a documentary, and as a result, it’s free to play fast and loose with the facts. Yet the real Miglin family still maintains to this day that the murder was random, and that Lee had no connection to his killer. Whether or not it is in good taste for Versace to ignore this is a question the viewer has to ask themselves, and about which they should draw their own conclusions.

Like the previous two episodes, the direction in “A Random Killing” is the real show-stopper. Director Gwyneth Horder-Payton fills the episode with ominous, low-angles, the camera pointing up, warping the image above. This is an overall horrifying episode, and the first few minutes, with Marilyn wandering around her silent home, give most modern horror movies a run for their money. A real-life friend of the Miglins who went to the Miglin residence after Marilyn came home, later said, “There was a horrible feeling in the house,” and Horder-Payton is able to portray that horrible feeling through the silent, unsettling way the cameras move about the home. That “terrible feeling” starts the episode, and it doesn’t let up until the credits roll. By then, Andrew has murdered one more person, and is on the run. His next stop, as we know from last week’s episode, will be Miami. That’s not our next stop, however. We’ve already been there. We’re going backwards. Next week, we’ll learn the events that lead Andrew to Lee’s doorstep. It won’t be pleasant.

[tiny-little-bird]

Jon and Sansa grew up as siblings, they've always seen each other as brother and sister, you really don't you think that would be a big obstacle for Jonsa? I should add that I'm not a Jonsa shipper, I only ship Gendrya in the show and I'm curious to know how and why you don't think that they would just forget about being brother and sister.

Because they never saw eachother as such, not really. 

Sansa was as distant from Jon as anyone could be, she avoided him like the plague, she never saw him as a brother, even though she would call him her “half bastard brother”

Sansa aspired to be Cat 2.0 Cat was her role model growing up, so she emulated her, she emulated her hatred and her despise for Jon, therefore she was never close to him, and he was never close to her, they never shared the brotherly and sisterly love/affection/relashionship like her other siblings, they never shared a scene in the books/show, never had dialogue, she always kept him at a distance. 

Sansa treated him as she would a stranger, worse actually, she was as she said an “ass” towards him, she thought him inferior to her, due to his bastard status, and she didn’t think of him as part of her family.

Jon was often observing her, calling her “radiant” while walking by Joffrey’s side. He’s always wanted her affection, her approval, just like he wanted Cat’s, he longed for it, but he never got it, they were the only ones keeping him at distance. So yeah he never had the chance to develop a sibling like relationship with Sansa, she was his sister in name, and name only, and that was it. 

Jonsa will happen in the books too, that’s why George had Sansa, and Jon be the only ones estranged while growing up, it was for this very reason.

When Jon and Sansa met again at castle black, they met as two complete strangers. 

Yes, they recognized each other, but not really. In their reunion scene, where Sansa is having supper, Jon looks at Sansa as if he’s thinking, she looks like Sansa, but she’s completely different. He already knew her very little, and now all those things he knew her for, are gone, leaving her a complete stranger to him.

This woman in front of him, who used to be mean to him as a child, who used to keep him at a distance, who to him, is behaving in a completely different way towards him, showing him affection and acceptance, smiling to him, chatting with him. All things she would’ve never done as a child. He’s taken aback by it, he’s taken aback by her. 

You can see just how intrigued he is by her. In pretty much, every scene he’s had with her in season 6, he is always studying her, observing her, looking at her. Again, what I get from him in S6 is, “She looks like the Sansa that I wached grow up before my eyes, but she’s not, she thinks differently, she behaves and acts differently, she’s a completely different person”, she looks familiar, but at the same time she doesn’t. And same thing goes for her, even more so. Jon would observe her, when they were at Winterfell, but Sansa did no such thing, she had no interest in him, nor in observing him. He is more a stranger to her, than she is to him. 

So, we have two people, two strangers who come together, after both of them, in the course of 5 years, went to hell and back.

Sansa has been raped, tortured and beaten by Ramsay, everyday, for months, and before that she was kept hostage in Kingslanding, where she was tormented abd humiliated her, and when she managed to escape, she was brought to the vale, and her aunt almost killed her, the both of them didn’t get a break for 5 years, and they had to go through it all, on their own.

Jon was just murdered by the men who he thought were his brothers, and was brought back to life, had to hang a boy, and had lost all hope and will to live.

When they found eachother again, no matter how estranged they were to eachother, they still poured their hearts out to one another, they comforted eachother, they helped each other, they took care of each other, because despite not knowing eachother, they both shared their love towards Arya, Bran, Rickon, Robb and Ned, it’s the one thing that linked them. 

But still, you don’t magically become brother and sister in a few months. They have become very close, but their relashionship does not have sibling dynamics, it has a companionship and partnership feel to it.

Sansa cares for him, because he’s linked to her childhood, he’s linked, to happiness, to the bliss that was her life before leaving Winterfell, and same thing goes for Jon. 

She’s found safety with him, she knows he would die for her, he would die protecting her, he’s basically the valiant, brave hero/knight she’s always dreamed of. 

“But now that they reunited, she thinks he’s/she sees him as her (half)brother.” 

I know, but can you blame this poor girl, after the living hell she’s been through, for involuntarily developing feelings for a man, who is the living embodiment of what she’s always wanted in a man? He’s shown her love, kindness, he gave her security, which she hasn’t felt since her father was executed. She trusts him wholeheartedly that he will NEVER hurt her in any way. If you blame her for it, idk man… If you don’t think that it’s possible, for her to develop these feelings, even if she knows/thinks it’s wrong, then again, idk what to tell you…

What did Jaimie say? “We don’t choose whom we love.” Sansa will never act on these feelings, not as long as she thinks he’s her brother, same goes for Jon, the Starks are too honorable, but that doesn’t change the fact, that the feelings are there.

“But he thinks she’s his (half)sister.”, again, can you blame Jon for developing feelings for her, when he was murdered in cold blood, then resurrected, and after being resurrected, SHE, the once little girl who never accepted him, was the one giving him hope again, giving him something/someone to fight for, she was the one giving him purpose, and getting him out of the depression he was succumbing into? Can you blame him for developing these feelings? Cause I sure don’t.

They both feel conflicted, but it’s something they can’t do anything about, it’s out of their control.

In a short span of time, Sansa became Jon’s everything and viceversa. They became each other’s confidants, strength, happiness, they became each other’s pillars, keeping each other from falling apart, they pieced each other back together. 

What I see when I watch their scenes, is that they’re both confused by how they feel for eachother, they know it’s different and not how they should normally feel, they both know that it is different from what, for example Sansa felt for Robb and from what Jon felt for Arya. 

Despite getting close and spending time with each other, there is this awkwardness and tension between them, that if their relationship was meant to come off as platonic it shouldn’t be there. 

And that forehead kiss he gave her. Listen, if he had smiled at her sweetly and she had done the same, like Ned and Arya did, when Ned sweetly kissed her on the forehead, then yes, I would’ve/might’ve thought, okay, that’s a platonic kiss, but no, they linger on eachother’s lips, both of them, twice, the kiss lasts waaay too long, too (4 seconds), Jon even closes his eyes, as you can see below, Ned doesn’t. Both Sansa and Jon. had these ambiguous, serious, intense expressions on their faces. 

I’ve shown the forehead kiss to many people who don’t watch GoT and all of them were like, “whoa, he’s so intense, the way he looks at her, man.”, so yeah, no, that scene was not meant to give us platonic vibes, and to top it, to give even a more romantic, ambiguous vibe to the audience, snow was slowly falling around them. 

Just see for yourself, look at how different these kisses are. The first one is a sweet, affectionate kiss, from a father to his daughter, and the second, well, it’s not a brother and sister forehead kiss, Sansa’s and Jon’s forehead kiss scene was intense af.

They have no idea wth is going on with these feelings, with their emotions. I think both of them are partly in denial, they try to shove these feelings away, but are unable to, they can’t help it, they’ve been through a lot together, shared their sorrows, and helped eachother, Sansa by helping him to get back to his old self, and Jon by restoring her faith in men. They both realize they’d be perfect for each other, and they truly are, they complement each other so beautifully, but they cannot be, because they’re brother and sister, and that’s all they can be, that is, until the big reveal will happen in season 8.

Jon loves her, choking Littlefinger the way he did, as soon as he said “I love Sansa, as I loved her mother”, confirmed that, he snapped, we have never heard Jon, literally, growl in an animalistic way like that before, never. Even a simple mention of her, visibly irritates/bothers him, he’s territorial, he behaves as if she were his, as if she were off limits to anyone, but him. 

And Sansa, she initiates touches with him, harm grabbing, hand holding, she’s a rape victim, a rape/torture survivor, but she trusts him, fully, so much so, she even lets, HIM, touch her, caress her head, and kiss her on the forehead.

There is a reason why they were never close as children, why they never shared a scene together, and why they were the first ones to reunite. I’d like to also add, early on, Sophie asked the directors, why she had to dye her hair red, she was told, that her hair being red, is and will be very important for the plot. Now, Bran has auburn hair, Robb has auburn hair, and so does Rickon, if I remember correctly, and yet, Sophie was the only one who had to dye her hair red. We all know Jon has a thing for redheads, so yeah, when you put all these little details together, it becomes more and more obvious where D&D are going with Jon and Sansa.

Jon and Sansa when were younger, wanted believed in the same things, had similar dreams and aspirations. 

Jon wanted to prove himself, and to do so he decided to leave his home, to become a brother of the night’s watch, which is a sort of knight, I believe they’re also referred to as black nights. He always dreamed about having a family, a wife, children of his own, a son named Robb. 

And Sansa, she wanted to become Queen, and therefore leaves for Kingslanding with Ned. In her dreams, her children look like the brothers she has lost, there is even a girl that looks like Arya. Jon looks like Lyanna, Arya looks like Lyanna, Jon and Arya look alike, Sansa’s dream might be foreshadowing, that Jon and Sansa will have a daughter someday, a daughter that will resemble her younger sister, Sansa has predominant Tully genes, Jon has predominant Stark genes, so yeah, it’s possible all their children will look like Sansa, red hair, blue eyes, with the exception of the girl from her dreams that looks like Arya, that takes after Jon.

Do I think that they’ll forget about the fact they’re brother and sister? 

They started to acknowledge each other as brother and sister, a few months ago, because in everyone’s eyes, that’s what they are, but what they feel for each other isn’t brotherly and sisterly love, and they both know it, we can see it by watching their body language

by their lingering stares 

by watching the way they fight, which is literally like a married couple. 

So I believe setting aside the “omg he’s/she’s still my brother/sister” won’t hard for them at all, because they don’t see each other as brother and sister, they have strong repressed feelings for eachother, I think the news will liberate them both, and free them from the guilt.

I don’t know, if they know, that they both feel the same for each other, but I bet my hat, both of them are at war with themselves, thinking, why am I feeling this, what is up with these feelings, what is wrong with me, Sansa would be disgusted/Jon would be disgusted, if she/he knew I thought of her/him this way. 

So they keep it to themselves, and what we get as a result, is an awkwardness and sexual tension, that is seen among two people who are in love with one another, but that can’t/won’t confess their love to each other, because they are afraid etc., so they try to suppress it, and that makes it worse lol It makes both people act rather foolish, awkward, tense and frustrated around each other. Frustration is another thing you can see between Sansa and Jon, they frustrate each other 🙈

So yeah, this is my take on their relashionship. I see them as each other’s companion, they have a partner like relashionship, I get no sibling vibes from them, they clearly have ferlings for each other, their scenes are shot too romantically, and hell, they are full of romantic tropes too.

They’re going to both be hit by even stronger waves emotions once the secret about Jon’s parents gets out. I’m really looking forward to see how their dynamic will change, because oh my, if it will drastically change. I feel like after suppressing their feelings for so long, they’re both going to explode (not literally lol a figure of speech) when the secret get’s out lol

Whoa I think I’ve rambled enough, I’ll stop here. 😅😅

Thank you for the ask dear anon, hope my answer satisfied you.

[green-eyeddragonfanfiction]

Running from the Past: Chapter 9

Summary: Female!Reader is a mutant who was experimented on by HYDRA. Due to her unique powers, she escaped a year and a half ago without being seen when the Avengers attacked the Hydra compound she was kept in for 5 years of her life. Her mutations and Hydra experiments allow her to blend in with her surroundings (like a chameleon/cuttlefish/octopus) and change her appearance in minor ways (such as hair, skin, and eye color), though the changes are only temporary. She has decided to stay with the Avengers in the hopes they can help her retrieve lost memories. Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Word Count: 2,109 Warnings: Language, violence/fighting, traumatic past (mentions of torture/experimentation), angst, slow burn, implied smut A/N: Guys, I’m so excited! I’ve been waiting to write this chapter since I started the series. I hope you enjoy it. Ah, yes. Murder. So romantic. PLEASE click the youtube link and read while you listen. It’s worth it, I promise. Once again, the Russian is in “quotes and italics”

Masterlist // Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

A mellow jazz track played loudly over the speakers and the pain the likes of which you’d only ever felt one other time in your life exploded inside your brain. 

You groaned in frustration, hitting the pause button on your phone. You fought the urge to kick something. The dance you’d been practicing for hours had to be memorized by tomorrow and you just couldn’t learn the steps no matter how hard you tried. You stalked back and forth in the small room, rolling your shoulders in an attempt to relieve some tension. You regretted being stuck in the safe house. You couldn’t even leave to get some fresh air.

The politician you were after was eccentric. He was throwing a ball. An actual ball. A masquerade, in fact. You needed to get close to the man during the dancing- when he was minimally guarded- but faced one huge problem: for the life of you, you couldn’t learn the damn dance. You were fine with a simple two step at the minister’s gala almost a year ago, but this was far more complicated.

You slumped to the ground, momentarily defeated.

“This wouldn’t be a problem if you’d been trained in the Red Room,” said a voice from the doorway.

You turned and glared at the Soldier. “Yes, and if ‘ifs’ were poppies we’d both be dreaming,” you seethed, standing. Your self-pity-induced break was over and you needed to get back to the grueling task of learning the complicated waltz. You restarted the song, going through every motion, starting from the curtsy to your invisible partner. You made it all the way through the first ten steps before you forgot what to do next. It was a new record.

“You suck at this,” the Soldier said mockingly from his position at the kitchen table.

You were about to rip him a new one, but then an idea struck you. You knew what would make this easier.

A partner.

“Come here,” you said suddenly.

“I don’t take orders from you,” he said coldly.

“It wasn’t an order, it was a request,” You said, biting back your temper. Recently his behavior around you had been odd- colder. The progress you’d made in getting to know him seemed as though it had all but evaporated. “I need to learn this choreography and it’ll go much faster if I have a partner to practice with,” you said, taking a step closer to him.

“I refuse,” he said, tensing up.

“Then I will fail my mission,” you said, voice shaking ever-so-slightly. The tremor in your voice seemed to get his attention. He looked at you, face unreadable.

“Fine, have it your way,” he said, standing suddenly. Before you could react he’d grabbed your hand and dragged you into the open space you’d cleared in the living room. He turned suddenly and grabbed your phone out of your other hand and pressed play before throwing it on the couch. He placed his metal hand on your waist and tugged you closer so that your chest was nearly flush with his. “Straighten your back,” he said, running his metal fingers up the curve of your spine. Your thin shirt couldn’t protect you from the coolness of his metal fingers. You shivered, arching your back slightly against his touch.

You looked up into his eyes- had they always been such a striking blue?

“You know how to dance?” you asked as the song played its intro. Normally he’d be bowing to you and you’d curtsy back.

“Who knows?” he said evasively, handing returning to your waist. The music started in earnest and the Soldier took the lead.

He definitely knew how to dance. He led you around the room slowly in time with the music. Pressure on your hand or waist told you where you needed to step a second before you moved.

“When did you learn the choreography?” you asked, distraught. You’d been practicing for hours but you only knew what the next step was thanks to his unspoken directions.

“I learned it while you were in here bumbling,” he said and spun you out gently, then reeled you back in. You twirled into his chest. Now you were both facing the same direction. He took your free hand in his and you moved together for a few steps in that position. “Now, focus on what you’re doing,” he whispered into your ear.

You fought back a shiver as he spun you back out again. You both stepped forward and met in the middle, returning to the normal waltz position. “I do not bumble,” you said indignantly.

Suddenly you world went sideways as he dipped you low, metal hand gripping your thigh as his flesh arm supported your back. You tried to ignore the way heat pooled between your thighs on account of the position you were in and the look he was giving you.

“Yes, you do,” he said, eyes boring into yours. The emotion in his eyes- you usually only ever saw it in flashes. This was something new. He pulled you back up gracefully and took a step away before giving you a shallow bow. He took your left hand gently in his metal one and brought it to his lips, brushing them over your knuckles softly. The entire time, his eyes never left yours.

Your heart was trying to beat out of your chest.

“Thank you for the dance,” he said, straightening. He dropped your hand and walked away, leaving you a mess of emotions.

You performed flawlessly, even with the giant black costume dress you had to wear impeding your every move. By the end of the dance, every pair of masked eyes were on you and Senator Bradley, the eccentric host of the party. If everyone else was charmed by you, then the Senator was enthralled. To no one’s surprise, he asked for you to join him upstairs the second he’d finished greeting everyone his secretary deemed mandatory. You smiled disarmingly at him and accepted his outstretched arm.

You took the private elevator up two levels to his private floor. He was kissing you messily, your masks bumping together, before the doors even opened. You fought the urge to punch him in the throat.

“Wait, wait. I want to put on a show for you,” you said silkily, kissing his neck as your hands roamed down his chest. You’d have to go through a whole bottle of mouth wash later. The doors opened and the two of you spilled out of the elevator.  “Where’s your bathroom? I need to... freshen up,” you simpered, winking at him suggestively.

“Down the hall on the left, sweet thing,” he said as he looked you up and down, clearly undressing you with his mind.

“I’ll be right back, naughty boy. Be ready,” you said, swinging your hips as you walked away. The bathroom was where he said it was. You locked the door behind you and pushed the plug down in the drain and let it fill with water. While you waited for it to fill, you stripped off your elegant ball gown, giving it a dirty look. You left the black mask on, however. It perfectly complemented the tight leather suit you had on. You pulled out a small vial and threw it and the ball gown into the tub where they both began dissolving immediately, turning into acidic black sludge. You smirked. Hydra gave you all the best toys. You pulled off the caps of your boots’ tall heels to reveal long, sharp black spikes. You turned the water off and smiled. Let the games begin.

Distracted by your clothing as he was, the Senator hadn’t seen you coming. Nor had he seen the steel spiked heel until it was in his jugular. You carried the body to the tub, trying your best to avoid getting blood on yourself. You placed Bradley in the tub slowly, careful to avoid splashing yourself. The skin and clothing hissed when it hit the acid. You stepped back and admired your handiwork once you’d finished. The tub would erode eventually, but not until after the Senator became a chunky acidic soup. You left the room and made your way to the balcony.

You looked up and groaned. Climbing the wall was the easiest way to the roof, which was where your extraction team was waiting for you. But that thought didn’t make scaling the wall any more appealing. If you fell this time, the Soldier wouldn’t be there to catch you. Your heart twisted at the thought. This was your first solo mission in a while and you realized you missed having him on assignments with you.

It took you a few minutes to get to the top of the wall. You didn’t dare look down. You yelped as someone reached over the edge and pulled you up and onto the flat roof. You prepared yourself for a fight but the clouds shifted and revealed the Soldier.

“Soldat, what are you doing here?” you asked, looking around for any threats.

He held a finger to your lips, shook his head, and took your hand, walking backwards as he led you away from the edge of the rooftop. The intensity in his eyes... you’d never seen this much emotion in them before. You stopped when he did, trapped by his gaze, eyes locked on his as he took your right hand in his metal one and snaked an arm around your waist, pulling you close to him- just close enough that your chest brushed his. Faintly, music began playing downstairs. It escaped through the windows and drifted softly up to you on the roof. He began spinning the both of you slowly, eyes never leaving yours.

“This is one of my favorite songs,” he said quietly as you spun on the spot.

It took a second for the weight of that statement to sink in. “Soldat, your memories are returning?” you asked, eyes widening.

He nodded, face twisting in sadness. “Please don’t call me that. Not today, Doll,” he said, cupping your face with his right hand. 

“They’ll know,” you said, heart filling with fear for him.

He smiled sadly. “Yes, they’ll find out eventually.”

“I'll lose you to their brainwashing,” you said, distraught.

“Hey, hey. Don’t panic yet, Doll. It might not completely stick, like yours didn’t,” he said, stroking your cheek with his thumb.

Your eyes widened. “How did-”

“I suspected from the moment I met you as the Soldier, but something about you intrigued me, even then. I think it’s thanks to you that this is happening. I’ve been getting memories back slowly whenever I’m around you. You spark something deep inside of me, Doll,” he said, smiling so sweetly at you that you could feel your heart break then and there. “I’m sorry for treatin’ you so bad recently. I was afraid of what was happening to me, and what it could mean for you,” he said, eyes apologetic.

You ignored the sense of dread settling in your stomach, threw caution to the wind, and stood up on your toes.

He met you halfway, lips crashing against yours. You pulled away enough to look him in the eyes. You both searched each other’s faces before you reached up, tangled your fingers in his hair, and pulled him back down into the kiss. He pulled you against him with his right arm. His metal arm grabbed you by the thigh and pulled you up. Your legs wrapped around his waist and he held you securely against him. Your arms snaked around his neck, fingers buried in his hair as you devoured each other’s lips.

You broke the kiss, panting slightly. “What do I call you, if not Soldat?” you asked, kissing him on the neck between every couple of words.

“Bucky. Call me Bucky,” he said, gasping as you bit hard on his neck then soothed it with a lick.

“Bucky, then,” you said, smiling at him before lazily claiming his lips with your own again. You stayed like that, wrapped in each other’s arms and lost in each other’s kisses for what felt like a small eternity.

“I hate to ruin the moment, but I think our dance is over,” he said. Over the blood pounding in your ears, you heard people floors below you screaming.

You sighed softly when he kissed your neck before setting you down. “I hate it when you’re right,” you said, pecking him on the lips. “Please tell me you have a way out of here,” you said, glancing over the edge of the rooftop at the mayhem below.

“Of course, (Y/N). I’d never let my best girl get hurt,” he said, grinning at you.

You smiled sadly back at him. You both knew it was a promise he couldn’t keep.

Chapter 10

If you like this series and want to be tagged in others like it, check out this post!

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[sobriquett]

Dear Yuletide Author 2017

To my very dear Yuletide author,

I can’t believe it’s that time of year again, can you? I hope you enjoy writing this. I’ll definitely enjoy reading it, don’t worry about that. If we share one of these fandoms, I’m already delighted.

I’m fairly easygoing as a reader – no triggers and only a handful of minor squicks, but anything with context is fine with me. If I were to ask you to avoid anything, it’d be AUs that take the characters out of their social/historical/cultural context. They are at their most fascinating, to me, in their context. My other do-not-want is graphic depictions of (physical) torture – if I can imagine it in cinema quality and I wince, it’s a no-go.

Broadly speaking, I like gen and het and women in starring roles, although I’ll read anything that works. I love romance and will defend it in all its forms. I love angst, but I equally love a happy ending – although a happy ending is far from necessary. Just as long as it makes sense, you can break my heart; if something’s doomed, that’s fine – better than fine – but show me why? I am 100% on board for heartbreak, if you want to go that way. Of course, if you want to go the other way…

I adore AUs – not in the coffee shop/high school AU sense, but an AU with a clear point of departure from the canon (canon divergence, what if this had happened instead of that?) to see what would happen differently. Does this give us that non-canonical happy ending, or the potential for it? I also love missing scenes that elaborate on characterisation, or seeing the story from someone else’s side. I love stories where the setting is so vivid you can taste it, but also stories set in a single room. Basically, I love any story that makes use of the characters’ context. The social, political, cultural context is what makes me interested in particular characters – how they react to the opportunities, restrictions and unspoken rules of their worlds. Work with that and I’ll be thrilled. But optional details are optional, make yourself happy first.

So, my fandoms this year:

1.       The Godfather (1972 1974 1990)

Apollonia Vitelli Corleone

Last year, I was lucky enough to see The Godfather on the big screen accompanied by a live orchestra and it brought back all the feelings I had when I first read the novel and saw the films as a teenager. In particular, I found myself wondering about Apollonia. We see her entirely through Michael’s eyes and I was left wondering who this woman was and how she had changed during those months. Had she changed at all, or simply lost her shyness? How she would have changed more if she’d lived?

I wonder about her relationship with Michael. Did she love him? Why? What did she think of him, and their situation, and what she was getting herself into? Was she aware of it? Why did she marry him, and what did she think her future might look like?

I wonder about the relationship she might have had with her new family. What would Mama Corleone have thought of her new daughter-in-law? What if Apollonia had lived, and they’d returned to New York, and she’d lived in the compound? What place would she find in that family, in that life, in that country?

 What were her hopes, her ambitions? Every girl has them – what were hers? Did they change as her situation changed, did she see a way up or a way out or was she on the path she wanted all along?

In short, I have a lot of questions about Apollonia. For all that I’ve phrased this as a series of questions about her, it would be just as interesting to read a fic from the perspective of another character contemplating or observing her – I would just love to fill in the Apollonia-shaped blank space in my imagination.

2.       Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

Nitta Sayuri, Nobu Toshikazu

I’m never going to stop requesting fic for these two. The film overlooks it somewhat but their interactions in the novel were my main source of delight, the curious balance of bickering and respect. Neither character knows much kindness in their life; I like to think they’d find that in each other, sort of kindred spirits.

I’ve requested Sayuri and Nobu because I’d love more of that relationship in any form. That might be Sayuri appreciating Nobu platonically, or even a full romantic relationship (danna AU?), or choosing or accepting Nobu over the Chairman (post-canon AU?) – or not (how does Nobu feel? Angst!) Anything with a focus on the relationship between these two will fill me with glee – as I said before it doesn’t need to have a happy ending, I just want more.

For bonus points, this relationship raises all kinds of issues worth exploring: the value of Sayuri’s ability to make her own choices; the restrictions placed on her by her culture, both within the hanamachi and broader Japanese culture; the way Sayuri pins her life’s ambitions to the idea of the Chairman; the physicality of Nobu, in his eyes and Sayuri’s; the circumstances of Nobu and the Chairman, with the former unattached and interested and the latter married and, to Sayuri, distant and unreachable; not to mention the incongruity of mixing notions of Western romance with another culture. An attachment to Nobu casts all these issues in a different light compared to Sayuri’s attachment to the Chairman. There are many reasons why he might be a better choice – and an active choice too, while she’s been on a trajectory towards the Chairman for many, many years without truly questioning it. Perhaps you might show Sayuri changing, growing like she did in the novel, or maybe you could show the wit, kindness and grudging mutual respect when they interact. Don’t be afraid though, I just want these two to be vaguely affectionate towards one another, even gruffly or distractedly – they both need and deserve it. All the rest is a bonus.

3.       The Loneliest Girl in the Universe – Lauren James

Romy Silvers

I need to know what happens next.

I devoured this novel in only three or four hours a few days after its release, and it was so much more than I was expecting. It lurched between genres in a way that delighted me and the tension in the second half was magnificient. I spotted the clues in the paratexts far enough in advance to be truly uneasy without quite being able to put my finger on why.

Romy must have such great obstacles to overcome concerning trust, intimacy, physical contact and relationships with other human beings. I would love to see some of the fallout from the climax of the novel. For example, what, if any, relationship does she develop with Isaac? Does she get back in touch with Molly and tell her what happened? How does Molly respond, and when? In fact, would you like to tell Molly’s side of the story? Does Romy keep writing fic to process her experiences as she forms her first proper adult relationships?

I will be truly delighted with any story in this fandom, I can’t even tell you.

Above all, dear author, write something you’ll enjoy. I’ll love it too, I promise.

Happy Yuletiding,

Sobriquett

[xiumin-on-this-shit]

All My Idols Ch 31: Let’s Do It

“Is what I’m hearing true?” Seunghyun tumbles into the small dressing room the staff provided for me. I jump, wrapping my arms around my torso to cover myself from who ever busted into my room. Once I realize who it is I let out a breath of relief, letting my arms drop revealing my lacy black bra to the man but I don’t care and neither does he. Seunghyun, being one of the few people I know doesn’t have any sort of romantic interest in me, is allowed to see more than the others.

I sigh, “No I am not doing a stage with JYP, Ikon yes, and let me just repeat, JYP no.” The minute I accepted Ikon��s proposal to preform with them the news spread like wild fire. JYP heard and automatically called me and asked if I will be joining him in his stage as well, I shut that down faster than I’ve ever done anything. He’s is a nice guy but a perv.

“Thank God,” TOP sits down on the love seat not far from where I sit at the make up table. “I thought I was going to have to hide you or something. That man is nuts.”

I chuckle, pulling on a white t-shirt I plop down next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, “Good to know I’m not the only person who thinks so.”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer, “How are you feeling? We haven’t been able to talk since last night.”

“I’m still a little mad,” I admit. “I want to forgive him and go on but how can I just ignore something like that?”

“I’m not trying to make excuses for him at all but you need to remember is that Seungri is basically a child. He feels as if any new person in your never ending group of friends is going to steal you away from us and be your new favorite.”

“But he went and talked to someone else first.”

“Because he wanted to make you jealous.”

“What?”

He sighs, glancing towards the door as if Seungri is eavesdropping on the other side and is going to bust in, which has happened. “He started talking to that girl because he wanted to make you jealous, but since he’s an idiot he didn’t think you would find someone else to take your attention, you got distracted and he got mad.”

I face palm, “He is such an idiot.”

“I know, I know but he is our idiot.”

“Did he really think I would get jealous?”

“That boy hopes and prays that you will feel anything towards him. You can say horrible things to him, you can be violent towards him, he can take a lot but there is one thing he can not do. He can’t handle life when you ignore him.”

I sigh, “I know that, but Oppa I was just so mad, I had to get back at him a little bit and ignoring him this morning seemed like the easiest.”

“It’s a fair punishment but please don’t keep it up for long, I think maybe twelve hours is the maximum amount he can go without you without having some kind of melt down.” He strokes my head affectionately, resting his  head on my own.

“Okay, I’ll talk to him after the show.”

He kisses my cheek, “Perfect, also…”

“I will perform with you guys next time, I promise.”

“Great, I already said you were anyway, the fans some how got a hold of the fact you were preforming with Ikon and got offended on our behalf. So I just annoyed that we are doing a stage together so they don’t need to worry.” He gives me a cheeky grin as he pulls out his phone. “Look! It is already trending on tumblr!”

“Oppa!”

“It’s going to be great! I have to go change, I’ll meet you out there okay?” He doesn’t even wait for my response before jumping off the couch and rushing out the door.

I chuckle as I run my hands through my hair, my life is such delightful chaos.

“Ready?” Jinhwan knocks on the doorway, smiling softly at me.

“Lets do this before I convince myself I’m an idiot for thinking I can preform on the same stage as actual idols.”

“You are going to do great, okay? Half of it is just the look, speaking of which,” He pulls a black leather jacket from behind his back, holding it up I can see that something is written on the back. He turns it around revealing Princess scrawled across the back. “What do you think?”

I can help but grin, “It’s so cute! How did you guys find this on such short notice?”

“We got in in Japan and figured this would be the perfect opportunity to give it to you.”

I jump the small man, nearly taking him to the ground if not for Junhoe appearing behind him, “Woah there Noona.”

“Thank you guys so much for the jacket!” I beam up at them.

“You are welcome, now we should get going before we miss our queue!” Junhoe takes my hand, I grab Jinhwan’s, and drags us down the many halls to the main stage area. Just as we reach the stage I’m tackled by a cute young man.

“Noona!”

“Kookie!” I giggle at the silly maknae, regardless of the glares we are currently getting.

“Not now kid,” Jinhwan tries to pull the giant boy away but fails.

“We are having our time with her,” Junhoe joins in on the fight and manages to get Jungkook away.

“Kookie you can’t just do that,” Namjoon appears, scolding the boy.

Jin appears above me and offers me a hand that I happily accept, “Sorry Charlie.”

I shrug once I’m on my feet, “I’m so used to being tackled now it doesn’t even come as a surprise anymore.”

“That’s concerning,” Jin fixes my hair and straightens my jacket.

“That’s new,” Yoongi notes as he gives me a nice side hug.

“Ikon got it for me,” I grin once again as I stare down at the jacket.

“I thought we weren’t allowed to get you presents,” Jimin pouts as he joins our growing group. I hug each member as they appear.

“You aren’t,” I deadpan. “I’m allowing them this time because I’m going to destroy their reputation tonight by making a fool of myself on stage.”

“That reminds me,” Hobi appears next to me, pushing Junhoe out of the way, “Shouldn’t your birthday be coming up?”

I tense.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Jinhwan snickers, “That’s right, Big Bang took you out of town about this time last year so no one else could spoil you.”

“Are you going to have a party this year? Pretty please!” V and Hobi beg.

“I will see,” I deadpan. “I don’t want to make it a big deal so if any of you tell anyone about my birthday I will find you and I will kill you, got it?”

They nod.

“Good! Now lets go out there so I can make a fool of myself.”

“Any chance you want to preform with us?” Jimin offers with an almost irresistible smile.

“Hahaha, you are hilarious. I’ve practiced with these guys a few times which is the only reason I’m agreeing to this. There is no way I could preform Not Today. Blood, Sweat, and Tears, maybe if I tried hard enough.”

“Come practice with us some time! We can teach you each step so we can preform together!” Hobi beams at me.

“I think a few people are in line a head of you now,” Hanbin informs as he comes in. “Big bang is next, a few others have taken a number so you are probably number 5 at least.”

“You guys need to stop telling people I’ll preform with them! As much as I would enjoy messing around I don’t want to make a big mess on stage.”

“We can talk about your future performances after your first one, okay?” Donghyuk offers.

“Okay, lets go.”

“You are going to do great,” BTS cheers for me.

I shake the tension out of my shoulders before following Ikon on stage. We get into our places in the dark before the lights start flashing and the music starts. We start moving, pumping our fists and doing exaggerated hip thrusts. They toss me the mic as they did before I’m so absorbed in the fun I go along with all of it like before and deep down pray that I’m doing as good as I think I am. The fans are screaming so I can’t be doing that bad right? In the idols section I notice that almost everyone is standing, clapping their hands and dancing to the music along with us. It’s honestly one of the most thrilling moments of my life.

When the song is over I feel a little sad but it only last for a moment before Rhythm Ta starts playing. I look over at Hanbin confused but he and the others just quickly move to their spots, I follow on their heels to get in my own. Yet again I go through the motions and join in randomly during the song, ignoring the fact that I shouldn’t be allowed to join in with the actual vocals. It’s over just as quickly as the last song, the lights go to another side stage allowing us to slip off without much notice. The minute we are off stage I’m bombarded by Seventeen who look like they’ve never been so excited in their lives.

“Noona that was so cool!” They all yell together like they practiced.

“Thanks guys but don’t you have to preform soon?”

Hoshi completely ignores the question, “When did you learn to dance? You should come dance with us!”

“Next time I come and visit okay?” I offer.

“Yes! What song do you want to learn or should I just teach you a little of each?”

“Why do you get to teach her?” Chan whines.

“Because I’m the leader of the dance unit!”

“Well you guys figure this out I have to check in with someone, I’ll text you guys later okay?” I give them a quick smile before rushing off to find a certain someone I was planning on avoiding a bit longer but decide I’ve tortured him enough.

I peak into their dressing room to discover it’s mostly empty except for some bum blond lying on the couch. I sigh as I walk in and flop myself on top of him. He jumps, “What the hell?”

“Is that how you greet someone who is trying to forgive you?” I tease snuggling into his side.

Realization creeps in and his arm wraps around my waist, holding me closer, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, I forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t, I was a real ass.”

“Again, I know but I don’t think you really meant it. You aren’t capable of such mean things.”

He kisses the top of my head, “How in the world can you be so amazing?”

“I would never describe myself as such but if I have to give a reason it’s because I have such amazing friends they are starting to rub off on me.”

“I have to go preform,” He groans glancing at the clock.

“It’ll be fun.”

“It would be better with you.”

I scoff, “I did my performance already, it’s my turn to go sit in the crowd and cheer.”

“You promise to cheer really loud for us?”

“Of course!”

 So much fluff I don’t even know what to do with myself, I know this is short but I hope you all enjoy!

[reconditarmonia]

Dear Yuletide Author 2021

Hi! Thank you for writing for me! I’m reconditarmonia here and on AO3. I have anon messaging off, but mods can contact me if you have any questions.

Le Château du Tarot | Redwall | Simoun

General likes:

– Relationships that aren’t built on romance or attraction. They can be romantic or sexual as well, but my favorite ships are all ones where it would still be interesting or compelling if the romantic component never materialized.

– Loyalty kink! Trust, affectionate or loving use of titles, gestures of loyalty, replacing one’s situational or ethical judgment with someone else’s, risking oneself (physically or otherwise) for someone else, not doing so on their orders. Can be commander-subordinate or comrades-in-arms.

– Heists, or other stories where there’s a lot of planning and then we see how the plan goes.

– Femslash, complicated or intense relationships between women, and female-centric gen. Women doing “male” stuff (possibly while crossdressing).

– Stories whose emotional climax or resolution isn’t the sex scene, if there is one.

– Uniforms/costumes/clothing.

– Stories, history, and performance. What gets told and how, what doesn’t get told or written down, behavior in a society where everyone’s consuming media and aware of its tropes, how people create their personas and script their own lines.

Smut Likes: clothing, uniforms, sexual tension, breasts, manual sex, cunnilingus, grinding, informal d/s elements, intensity.

General DNW: rape/dubcon, torture, other creative gore; unrequested AUs, including “same setting, different rules” AUs such as soulmates/soulbonds; PWP; food sex; embarrassment; focus on pregnancy; Christmas/Christian themes; infidelity; unrequested polyamory; focus on unrequested canon or non-canon ships; unrequested trans versions of characters; breakups; focus on grief; unequal levels of investment in a relationship (including concerns about same that turn out to be unwarranted), or the idea of a character accepting something they're unhappy with as the most they're going to get; characters who are written in a sexual context within the fic being ignorant about sex/anatomy (inexperienced is fine); the word "pussy"

Fandom: Le Château du Tarot (Dior Short Film 2021) (watch here)

Character(s): Butch Protagonist, Femme Protagonist, Worldbuilding

This is such a cool little film that operates on several different levels of narrative and symbolism and I would LOVE for you to dive into that more. I've requested both Butch Protagonist and Femme Protagonist and would like them to be treated as different characters within the story, rather than different aspects or parts of one person, but I am equally into the journey-within-the-mind interpretation of the castle if that interests you, and into a wholly literal interpretation of the castle! (Femme protagonist exploring gender non-conformity and lesbianism through this journey would also be fine, but I wouldn't want the reverse, with butch protagonist becoming more feminine.)

Some thoughts:

does this labyrinthine ruined castle just exist and these are its denizens who happen to guide/test/waylay other comers while they live there, or was it set up to test people in some way? To what end? Was there a time it wasn't ruined and almost empty?

Where do the other denizens come from? Were they originally normal humans too, or have they always been otherworldly beings? If the heroines stay, will they also become tarot archetypes? (please, if so, portray this as growing into the roles rather than forgetting/losing themselves)

If the castle is a metaphysical or dream location, do the denizens correspond to anyone or anything in the real world, Wizard of Oz style?

Do the heroines have to face any challenges together, or save each other? Or are their journeys separate, always nearly meeting but never coming close enough until they reach the end? Do they find traces of each other and wonder about each other?

What are some other rooms, tests, secret passages, or beautiful/interesting things in the castle?

What are the consequences for failing one of the tests? Is it just an indefinite roadblock, or is there an actual setback or punishment for some of them?

Where are the heroines from and how did they get there? Are they trying to find something, or to escape?

If the castle is more of a metaphysical or transdimensional location, what if the heroines are from totally different places? Do they try to find each other in the "real" world? Places or maybe even times?

Sexy encounters with the other denizens and/or each other (smut likes at top of letter)!

Fandom: Redwall Series - Brian Jacques

Character(s): none nominated

Redwall is SUCH a nostalgia fandom for me - literally, my first fandom in the sense of something that I wrote fanfic for and sought out a fan community online. It was also possibly formative in terms of some tropes I've turned out to like (riddle quests! sad paladins! sieges and resistance!) Getting a Redwall gift would be so cozy and nostalgic for me. I'm in this for new adventures in the Redwall world rather than any particular character, but I do love Martin the Warrior a lot if you need a character as a jumping-off point, and also Grath Longfletch and Romsca.

Anything you write that's in tone with canon will give me the warm fuzzies, whether dramatic adventures or slice-of-life. (Some of these prompts would take far more than the YT wordcount to execute, so feel free to just give me a scene or two!)

a cozy wintery story! A feast, or bundling up and skating on the frozen pond and then roasting nuts on the fire, or waking up to the first snow and seeing how it makes the Abbey and the surrounding woods look, or returning to the Abbey in the winter from a long journey/quest and being amidst warmth/friends/familiarity for the first time in a while...

a wandering warrior or pair/trio of warriors, driven to aid resistance movements against tyrants wherever they find them! What is the resistance doing and how does the warrior or warriors help? What is their backstory? Are they from the Abbey - an idealistic place of peace/justice/refuge, but one whose people sometimes engage in violence/war to ensure that peace and justice can exist - or somewhere else? If there's more than one of them, what is their relationship to one another like? (For this prompt or other relevant prompts, I love loyalty kink - see my general likes for elaboration.) Or a hero who isn't a wandering warrior/paladin, but someone being oppressed by the tyrant themself - how do they come to form or join the resistance, and with whom?

A quest (riddle-based or just puzzling out non-deliberately-left clues) to solve a historical mystery or uncover something hidden in the Abbey! (If you do go with riddles, I'd rather it be a situation where the riddles actually lead to something, like the Pearls of Lutra or OG Redwall riddles, rather than the ones in Taggerung where it's about solving the riddles for the sake of solving them.) What answers or objects or secret hiding places are the characters looking for, and why have they been undiscovered until now - were they intended to be found much earlier but the knowledge of how to find them (or the knowledge that something was there to be found at all) was accidentally lost, is it a time of greatest need (such that people start following up on a known riddle-poem and/or researching the dusty old library tomes when they hadn't before, or get their first clue in a dream)? Why/how were they hidden or lost?

A couple of other things I like in the series that I haven't really managed to put into a coherent prompt: fulfilling seemingly impossible vows against the villains (like Martin destroying the fortress of Kotir as he said he would); knowing your home well enough to fight from it even as the bad guys encroach on it (as in siege and resistance plots); something about legendary heroes being flesh and blood people and something that ordinary folk can become, but still very much legendary heroes;...food...

I don't expect (nor, I think, particularly want) shipfic, but it would be very special to me if the world of Redwall as depicted in your story had gay/bi characters or couples in it, even in the background, just in the same way that there's plenty of background het in canon.

Fandom-Specific DNW: I'm fine whether you maintain canon's division of animal species into "generally good" and "generally evil," or ignore it and have good weasels and wicked mice mixed in with the rest - but I don't want a story to be about that, either way. The existence of a monastic order in an abbey shouldn't be taken to contravene my DNW of Christian themes (it's a non-religious commune, and the Redwall Abbey-centric parts of canon are some of my favorites), but I still don't want Christmas fic, so please, if you write any of the wintery prompts, don't attach them to a holiday (including a fictional one).

Fandom: Simoun (Anime)

Character(s): Neviril

I rewatched this show last year, and it reaffirmed for me that I love Neviril. She’s a leader in both a military and a religious sense, respected by her squad and by the populace, but figuring out what that means to her is such a personal journey. I still love her scene in the hearing where she speaks aloud what no one has wanted to admit or talk about - that they’re soldiers now, this is war, can they still call themselves priestesses? - but I was also struck on this rewatch by how Chor Tempest increasingly becomes a Thing, a power player in itself (the bit in Episode 21 where the whole lot of them fly out against orders, because it’s what they, with Neviril leading and giving voice to the group, think is what their role is about), and by the scenes of her blessing the people (when iirc she is needed elsewhere by the military governor for flight purposes) and Paraietta (after what Paraietta did to her).

I love the military aspects of this canon in general (and the associated tropes of loyalty and trust and bravery and positive/negative relationship to authority) and that definitely ties in to Neviril figuring out what her role is as the squad leader. But I’m also just here for that very process of figuring it out and defining it for herself, and possibly the broader idea of Chor Tempest finding out their own loyalties and rituals and how things are with them that aren't just what every other chor does or what the higher-ups want them to do.

So…what happens to her post-canon? What is the “new world” and her travel in it like? If she makes it back to the main world when war is brewing again, but her old cohort can’t fly anymore, what does she see her role as being - a leader for peace, for war, religion, military, politics, something else? Being a public figure, or just on an interpersonal level? How do she and Aer interact with, for instance, Paraietta, Rodoreamon, Floef, and/or Vyuraf?

Ship-wise, Aer/Neviril grew on me a lot! I appreciated Aer more as the determined bit-of-a-loose-cannon type, still loyally fighting alongside Neviril even when they clash over the right thing to do, than as the manic pixie this time, and noted Neviril’s comments about how she was drawn to Aer’s determination. I could be interested in non-PWP explicit fic as an option if that speaks to you - the series is, on some level, about the contrast between the reality and physicality of their bodies and the general perception of what they do (which even in its non-spiritual military capacity is removed from a connection to their bodies via the Simoun aircraft), about becoming an adult, and of course about gender. I also like Neviril's friendship with Paraietta, although I'd rather the fic not dwell on Paraietta's unrequited love for Neviril as opposed to that loyal friendship and second-in-command-ness.

Fandom-Specific DNW: I’m not really interested in Kaim and Alty and would prefer for them not to appear or for their backstory to come up. I would also not like to see pre-timeskip Dominuura/Limone.