#i want to create things but i've been so tired and stressed lately that i just can't get it out

[practically-an-x-man]

wish i could write.

it would be fantastic if i could write.

[put-me-through-the-wall]

Girl Next Door- Pt. 2

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x reader

Word count: 3k

Summary: Simon finally accept your offer for dinner. Did you mention you can cook?

A/N: I was a little slow on this but the idea of them getting close was stressing me out, okay? Also my MIL was in town and I couldn't get in the groove. All the support so far is amazing, thank you guys so much! If y'all like it there will be more to come. Warning: still slow burning

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Part I

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Simon sits across from you at your tiny dining table pressed against the wall of your cramped kitchen. You managed to lure him in with a fairly nice bottle of unopened scotch you found in the back of your cabinet that had potentially fallen into one of your own boxes when moving from your ex's house. 

He looks around your quaint little one bedroom apartment. It was a lot different than his own. The literal layout was the same. No extra rooms or walls but you’d done something different in here. The whole space had a cozy feeling to it. Every surface was decorated with useless gadgets and trinkets that he didn't understand the purpose of. Lots of blankets, pillows, soft things. You had music quietly playing through your TV speakers in the living room. A few lamps fill the dim room creating a subtle yellow glow that hits the high points of your face, softening your tired features.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" you suddenly blurt out.

"S'cuse me?" Simon asks, caught off guard by the question.

"Lately I've been feeling like there's something inside of me that attracts horrible guys. Like, is there a beacon coming out my head that says 'hey, come over here. I'm vulnerable and easy'."

Simon pauses, unsure how to respond. He watches your face closely. You're sad eyes looking to him for an answer he doesn't have. "I think you're...nice," but he has a feeling that's not what you wanted to hear.

"nice?" You let out a humorless laugh. "Maybe that's the problem. Nice must translate to doormat," You sigh and drop your head into your hands. 

Simon takes a sip of his drink. He's growing concerned this is entering too friendly territory. Then you pop your head back up.

"So, how much did you hear?"

"Not much"

"Yeah right," You toss him a coy smile. “Can I tell you what happened?”

“Sure,”

“Alright, so” you take a sip of your own drink and a deep breath before recounting your story. "I met him at work. He was really nice and offered to pick me up a coffee on his way in one day. I haven’t made any friends at work yet so it was nice just to chat over a coffee. Then we started having lunch together. Nothing serious just in the break room but it felt good to hear about something other than notes from my editor. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I mean I moved here to focus on myself not continue dating more crappy guys. So of course he started texting me and he was really sweet. He complimented my outfits and thought all my jokes were hilarious apparently. I really wasn’t trying to get involved with this guy though. He said something about hearing I can cook and of course I said I do. It’s part of my job, duh. He’s giving my shit about it so I invited him over for dinner. I made this creamy potato gnocchi with Italian sausage that I got from that great butcher on the corner. I even hand rolled the gnocchi. I mean, who wouldn't kill for an authentic Italian meal?"

"He's sounds like some guy"

"Not really, I was testing out a new recipe for the column so, two birds one stone. Anyways, he comes up and we have some wine and listen to some music. It was going really well so far. Then I go to bring out a nice charcuterie board for an appetizer while the pasta finishes baking. While I'm bringing it to him I can see he's on his phone, texting someone and literally giggling. I walk up behind him and he is sexting. On my couch!" you throw you hands up incredulously. "Well, I thought he was. He’s looking at a picture of some girl bent over then I realize it’s me. He took a picture of my ass, while I was making him dinner. I couldn't fucking believe it. What kind of a scumbag does that to a woman preparing a fucking meal for him? Now, this is not something I'm proud of so let the record show this is very out of character for me but these were extraordinary circumstances. So, I dropped the fig chutney on his head. Right in his stupid quaffed hair. He jumps up and he's all mad and starts yelling and I'm yelling back. He calls me a crazy bitch then I call him a perv. After that he left." you conclude with a shrug.

"Wow" Simon responds, truly taken aback by the series of events. 

"Yeah, then you know the rest from there. I don't know what came over me. I guess after my last breakup I haven't felt very good about myself and this guy made me feel, I don't know- fun? That feels silly to say. I should’ve known better from a guy that works the celebrity gossip section. I probably looked like a big baby out there, how dramatic. I'm sorry about that, again."

"You don't need to apologize."

"After I moved here I thought things would be different. I thought guys in the city were classier I guess. Turns out all guys are the same. Just take what they want and go. Do you want another drink?" You point to his now empty glass. 

"Sure." You snag his cup and stand. He watches you walk over to the counter in your silky slip dress. The sleek fabric clings to your waist. Flaring around your hips and down your thighs. The warm light reflects on the shiny material, shifting with each step you take. It tightens perfectly about your waist and cinched with a neat little bow in the back. He wonders why you would wear a dress like that for this guy.

"So, do you date?" you question in a seemingly casual tone.

"No" 

"Yeah right," you laugh and look over your shoulder to see his stoney expression and your smile fades. "Oh, sorry, I just- I find that hard to believe."

"Why is that?" He tilts his head and you focus back on filling his glass. 

"It's just, you're a good looking guy. I would think you'd get plenty of female attention," You pivot back around and place the glass before him. You lean on the table with one hand and prop the other on your waist. 

"'M not interested," his gaze stays fixed on the brown liquid, grabbing it and taking another sip. He doesn't miss the way you deflated the slightest bit. 

"Maybe I should take a page out of your book, as in maybe swearing off men completely" The oven timer dings. "Oh! pasta!" You jump over and grab your oven mitts. You drop the oven door and slide out the sizzling dish. An aroma of cheese and basil fills the air. Your stomach audibly growls.

You pull down two plates from your cabinet. You serve up the steaming pasta, sprinkling parmesan and fresh chopped herbs for garnish. You proudly carry over the two dishes and place them carefully on the table. You place your hands on your hips while gazing down at the platter.

"This looks...great." Simon is truly taken aback by the incredible looking dish. 

"Wait, don't eat yet. Let me get a picture." You scamper into your living room, grabbing your phone off the coffee table and scurrying back. You hold your phone high above for a birds eye view. Simon scoots his chair back to avoid the gaze of the lens. The camera clicks with a flash. You examine the photo, seeming satisfied with the quality and finally taking a seat in your own chair. "It was okay if you were in the picture. I don't mind." 

"I do," he says simply. 

To anyone else, Simon comes off as rude or callous but you, you never seem to let his shortness affect you. You take his words and just keep going. You don't mind his lack of conversation. It seems you are totally satisfied with having someone there to listen. He was starting to think he didn't mind listening so much. 

"Oh," You shift uncomfortably in your chair. "Sorry then. Well, let me know what you think. Try to be detailed with your feelings about it if you can. You're my guinea pig and be honest. I don't want to put this out when it's garbage."

He proceeds to take a forkful in his mouth. He cannot control the groan that escapes his throat as the bold flavor hits his tongue. This is far cry from his usual take away food. He can't remember the last time he had a home cooked meal now that he thinks about it. 

"This is quite good." He grumbled between bites. Not caring to finish chewing before he's stabbing at the pasta on the plate once again. 

"Really? You don't need to be nice to spare my feelings. I don't mind criticism."

He shoves more in his mouth. "I’m serious"

"Thank you" You giggle watching him scarf down the still steaming hot meal. 

The two of you finish your respective plates without much more conversation to be had. On your last few bites you meet Simon's eyes as he reclines back in the creaky wooden chair, hands laying across his stomach. His head tips back with a satisfied grumble making a proud smile play across your lips. This may be the first time you've seen him express a true human emotion in your presence. 

"There's more if you want?"

"No, I'm stuffed." 

If you know one thing as a part time chef, food is the way to a man's heart. You knew if Simon tasted what you could make his ice exterior would melt away. You stand up and walk to the fridge. 

"Too stuffed for dessert?" you pull out a glass bowl filled with layers of custard, strawberries, cake, and whipped cream. "I made a traditional English trifle. Y'know for the holidays coming up and who doesn't love custard?" you shrug while carrying the bowl over to the table. You hurry back to the kitchen to grab two saucers and plate up the dessert.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you're trying to butter me up." he comments, intently watching as you carefully slice through the layers. "What do you know about English food?" 

"Not much, which is why this is a special occasion. I can get some insight from a genuine Englishman," you slide the saucer to him. "Everything happens for a reason, I guess you were meant to be here tonight" you don’t realize how weird that comment is until it's already left your mouth. You suppress the feeling and internally cringe. You take a seat with your own plate and try a bite. "Hey, that's not too bad. I think Gordon Ramsey would be proud"

Simon actually chuckles when you compliment yourself making you giggle in return. This whole night is very different than you expected. Not that you were complaining.

Your leg bumps his underneath the narrow table. Your bare foot brushing up the edge of his pant leg for the briefest moment. A deep blush rises to your cheeks the second you realize it's his leg instead of the table's. 

"Oh, sorry!" you quickly draw your legs underneath your chair. Simon pauses his eating and meets your gaze. 

"S'alright," he slowly slides his long leg across the distance and nudges the shin of your tucked legs with the toe of his boot. "You scared?"

"What?" you allow your legs to relax, your calves sitting on either side of his outstretched leg. It felt natural, almost domestic. "You don't scare me." you're lying paired with an anxious laugh.

"No?" As he says this his foot shifts underneath the supports of your chair and yanks it forward causing your chair to skid a few inches across the tile, pressing you further into the table as you let you a surprised yelp. Hands brace against the edge of the table. Simon maintains his calm composure. "Are you sure?" he takes another bite of the fluffy dessert. 

You weren't sure if it was the liquor going to your head or the rush of adrenaline but you felt bold. You rest your cheek on your propped up hand, offering the most innocent eyes you can muster, as you delicately slide your foot along the smooth leather of his boot. Simon swallows and gently places his fork back on the table.

"What do you think of it?" you question in a hushed tone. your foot travels further up his ankle, dipping under his pant leg to feel his hot skin underneath. 

"It's sweet," He states simply but his words roll off his tongue smooth as butter. 

"Not too sweet?" You tilt your head the slightest bit.

"Hm," he hums in contemplation. Your eyes drift down to watch his hands grasp his drink. He grips the glass in his large palm. The rolled sleeves of his long sleeve reveal the muscles in his arm shifting when he raises the glass to his mouth. For the first time you notice a faint raised scar cutting through the outer corner of his lip and stopping just shy of the edge of his nose. He takes a long swig of the brown liquid, not quite finishing the drink. As he pulls back his lips glisten in the warm light. "Not bad when it's paired with a stiff drink," his tongue is quick to swipe across, collecting the residue. 

"I'll be sure to make a note of that." you smile sweetly. "Can I get you another drink?" You look down at the last sip coating the bottom of the glass. You make sure to flutter your lashes when you look back up at him. 

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" A smirk raises the corner of his mouth.

"No," you laugh. "Why, do you want me to?" 

He releases a deep gravelly laugh that makes your stomach stir. Then he glances at his watch and your stomach drops. 

"I need to get going." He mumbles. He pulls his leg away from yours and rises out of his chair. 

"Wait," you rush to stand, almost knocking your seat over in the process. "Can I- uh- get you a bit of pasta to go? There’s plenty left" Trying to think of any excuse to keep him here a moment longer. 

"S'okay, save it. Maybe I'll come by another time." He turns and steps out of your kitchen and into the hallway leading to your front door in only a few wide strides. 

"Are you sure?" You don't intend for your voice to come out as needy as it does. You follow on his heels like a lost puppy.

"I've got an early morning." Before he reaches the door he turns, seemingly surprised by how close you are to him. He looks down at your big round eyes. 

"Okay," you smile trying not to look defeated. "Well, you're welcome over anytime. I mean it, just knock and I'll probably be home. I'm gonna try writing at home more. Try to avoid that guy." You let out a halfhearted chuckle. "Maybe, you should get my number. Y'know, in case you want to check if I'm home."

"I'm alright, I'll just knock" His hand finds the doorknob. "Thanks for dinner, it was nice" Then he turns to go. Closing the door politely behind him. 

You rush to the peephole, watching his distorted figure step out of sight followed by the sound of his own door shutting. You rest your hot forehead against the cool wood grain of your door. 

You step back in the kitchen and begin putting away the leftovers. Piling the pasta into tupperware, rinsing the plates, collecting silverware. His glass remains in place with a sliver of scotch leftover. You hold the glass up in the light and see a faint smudge on its rim. You twist the cup around so your own mouth lines up with the imprint he left. You swallow the last bit slowly, savoring the way the sharp burn eases into a smooth, smoky aftertaste. You never liked scotch, but now you are starting to understand the meaning of an acquired taste.

The low atmospheric music is abruptly interrupted by an ad loudly cutting through the calm space. You rush into the living room to find the remote, hiding among the cushions and various throw pillows. Growing frustrated you end up walking over and manually hitting the power button. The silence that replaces it isn’t much better though. You step back and let your weak legs carry you until you collapse onto the comfort of your couch. The wine followed by the glass of scotch you polished off makes your head feel light but your limbs so heavy. You turn from your back to your side, realizing the used glass is still clutched in your hand. 

You reach across the gap and set it down on the coffee table with a thud. Your hand retreats back to rest under your head. You stare at it, taking in all the imperfections left on its reflective surface. Your eyes trace the rim once again looking for the smudge. On the corner you see the shadow of an impression peeking out underneath the red lipstick mark you have smeared over it. 

𝜗𝜚

Across the wall Simon falls back on his own couch. He looks around his dull apartment wondering what you have done differently to make your place look so welcoming. He never minded the minimal decorations he had. A photo frame with his team that his buddy gifted him and a couple of books always seemed like enough. After comparison though it just feels empty. 

He can hear you stomp across your floor. Footstep rushing from the kitchen until you're straight ahead. The sound of your TV turning off bathes the room in sudden silence. Only thing he can hear now is the rushing of his air conditioning unit. He considered your music annoying but now he couldn’t deny the way it added an unconscious energy to the small unit. Now sitting here, the cool tone of the overhead kitchen light illuminating into the living room he feels as though something is missing. Maybe a nice lamp would help. 

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[qtboni]

╰﹒ 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐒 !

PAIRING: Ooc!Simon 'Ghost' Riley X Reader

OVERVIEW: He lashes out on you + very dismissive over your efforts for him :((

C/W: Angst, no comfort (see p2 for comfort!), mentions of toxic behavior (bcz words), offensive languages, depictions of mental health struggles (anxiety, but js tiny amount). [ fanart credits : ave661 on tumblr ]

W/C: 1.1k bubs

Simon had been going through a lot lately, and you could tell it was taking a toll on him. He had been working overtime at work, and you could see the exhaustion in his eyes every time he came home.

You want to do something special for him, something to lift his spirits up.

The air was charged with anticipation as Simon stepped through the door, making you want to burst out of happiness.

You had been eagerly awaiting his arrival, eager to show him what you'd been working on all day. You had been so excited to do something special for him, and you had gone the extra mile to make this night perfect!

The air, still thick with tension, Simon walked through the hallway. He'd had a long, hard day at work, and the last thing he wanted was to deal with anything else.

Price had been nagging him more than usual on the mission. Simon was tired and just wanted to rest, but Price's constant barrage of questions and commands was starting to get on his nerves.

He tried his best to keep his cool, but he couldn't help feeling a little bit frustrated. Despite his best efforts, he managed to keep his emotions in check and focus on the task at hand.

After the mission was over, Simon was relieved to finally have a moment to himself. He just wanted to rest and have a good night, but there you were, being a nuisance to him.

You could see the weariness in his eyes, as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He shrugged off your attempts to engage him, not wanting to deal with the small talk.

As Simon dropped his collection of his military wears in the near cabinet, you approached him, your heart still pounding with excitement.

"Simon," you said, your voice trembling and a cheeky smile forming on your lips. "I've been working on a special surprise for you all day. I made your favorite snacks, decorated the living room, and even picked out a movie I know you'll love! I just wanted to make tonight special."

Simon looked up at you, his expression unreadable. "What?" he asked, his tone sharp and exhaustion palpable in his voice.

Despite his attitude, you pushed forward, eager to show him the cozy living room setup you'd created.

"Ta da!" you exclaimed, gesturing to the cozy space. "I wanted to make our movie night extra special tonight, so I went all out."

You'd decorated it with fairy lights, set out the popcorn and drinks, and made sure the couch was nice and toasty with a mountain of blankets.

"I just wanted to do something special for you," you added, your voice light and upbeat.

Simon's expression fell. He looked at the setup as if it were an annoyance, and you felt your feelings going down the drain.

You tried to hide your disappointment though and put on a cheerful smile, but it was hard to hide the hurt in your eyes. "What's wrong?" you asked hesitantly.

Simon shook his head, and for the first time, you saw the signs of his stress and turmoil. His lips were thin, his brow furrowed, and you could tell that he was struggling just to keep it all together.

"I can't take on one more thing right now," he said, his voice rising with frustration. "I'm exhausted. I can't deal with this right now."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you realized the full extent of your mistake.

"I..."

Your heart sank.

You couldn't believe you hadn't realized how tired he looked, how haggard and stressed. You had been so caught up in your excitement that you had missed the signs, the signals that he couldn't take on any more.

You had been so eager to do something nice for him, and in doing so, you had only added to his burden.

A tense silence fell over the room, and you could feel the tension rising between you. You wanted to comfort him, to make things right, but you didn't know how.

"I'm sorry," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. "I just wanted to do something nice for you."

As you stood there in silence, your heart racing and tears swimming in your eyes, he finally spoke.

"Well, don't," he snapped, his irritation evident in his tone. "I can take care of myself. And I didn't ask for any of these."

You watch as he points to the decorated living room. Your efforts. Your hopes of having a good night of movies with him.

You felt the tears spill over and course down your cheeks.

"I didn't mean to make things worse for you," you said, your voice trembling. "I just wanted to do something nice for you, to lift your spirits. I didn't realize..."

Simon sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"I appreciate the effort, really I do. It's just..." He trailed off, searching for the right words. "Can you just stop being a bother? I can't take on anything else right now. I'm already stretched so thin, and I can't..."

You felt your chest tighten at his words.

You had always known that Simon was a hard worker, but you had never truly appreciated the toll it took on him. You had always been there to support him, to lift him up when he was feeling low, and you had always assumed that he would do the same for you.

At that moment, you realized that you had been asking too much of him. You could see the exhaustion in his eyes and the slump of his shoulders.

The realization hit you like a punch to the gut.

Your voice barely above a whisper, you managed to say, "I... I understand. I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

You could feel the hurt in your chest, like a physical pain that made it hard to breathe.

“Stop being a bother.”

The tears were already falling down your face, and your heart ached with the weight of your mistakes. It was just a reminder of how much you loved him and how desperately you wanted to be with him.

Simon didn't utter another word, just nodded his head, but his silence spoke volumes. An oppressive and heavy sense of unease permeated the air, leaving no doubt that there was nothing else to be said.

You stood there, feeling numb and defeated as you watched him leave to the bedroom.

You had learned a difficult lesson that night, and one that you would never forget. The road to happiness was not always smooth, and sometimes, even the people we love the most can hurt us without meaning to.

Tears filled your eyes over and over again as you realized how much your effort was taken for granted.

In that moment, you didn't understand why he was being so cruel to you, especially when you had put so much thought into making him happy.

All you wanted was to see Simon smile.

A/N: okay.. well.. he was an ass.. HELP simon pookie why would u do this to us? :(( we even made you popcorns and and even bought you your favorite drinks :(( we had to even ask ur best bud soap what kind of movies you like :(( we did so much for you :(( but it's okay ig. . . as long as you can have your rest. . . and well. . . goodnight :((

lmk if you guys need a part 2 cuz i be crying in my sleep

EDIT! part 2 is posted !!

[merlincmgirl]

Oral - 212th x FReader - NSFW

Summary: Looking after your men in the 212th is a top priority, and after the stress of everything becomes too much, they offer to help you unwind.

Characters: Cody, Waxer, Boil, Wooley, Helix, Crys

Pairing: 212th x F!Reader

Word Count: 12,308

Warnings: , oral (female & male receiving), face riding, rimming, cock-warming, group sex, aftercare, angst, fluff, smut,

Author's Note: Happy Holidays! It's a Christmas miracle! I will have finally finished the Kinktober Challenge I set myself tomorrow. It's been a difficult few months, but I'm so proud of myself for doing this.

"I don't kriffing believe this! Get out of my medbay trooper if you know what's good for you!" You snarled, pointing to the door as you pinched the bridge of your nose. Somehow today it seemed like the shinies were taking it as their personal mission to piss you off. It was the 5th shiny today that had come in with something so minor it could have been treated by themselves. It just added to the stress you had been under lately.

"Technically it's my medbay" a rough tone grumbled from behind you.

You spun around, sending Helix a contrite look. "Technically they're your brothers but they seem to enjoy annoying me more!" You snapped back at him.

Helix raised an eyebrow, not used to you snapping at him or the short temper that had gotten spectacularly shorter as the week had progressed.

"Alright civvie, want to tell me what's wrong?" He offered, coming over to help you clean away the supplies you had used to treat a trooper's burn from a spark down in engineering.

"I'm fine. Just your brothers seem to be coming in today with the most ridiculous injuries that a womp rat could treat. You know, one shiny came in with a bruise on his arm. A bruise! That can be treated with the bacta you all carry in your belts!" You ranted, bungling up the scratchy paper that lined the examination bed.

Helix didn't say anything, agreeing that today seemed to be full of ridiculous vods coming in with superficial injuries. It was their 9th day in hyperspace travelling to the next battle, they were becoming restless and bored, having little to entertain them during the long hours in hyperspace. He could understand the frustration you had but not the intensity of your reaction. You were always the kindest of all his medics, the one that troopers rushed to instead of him because at least you'd soften the blow with a comforting word rather than the insults and hypos that he himself liked to use.

"They've just got a bit of cabin fever. It'll change once we reach the next planet" Helix remarked, careful to appear like he was clearing things away and not that he was side eyeing you from where he was standing.

Huffing, you rolled your eyes – Helix was genuinely concerned you'd burst a blood vessel at that intensity – and let out a short laugh. "Then what? It's just the same thing over and over. You boys get thrown into battle, I have to patch you up, see my friends die when I could save them and then just pretend nothing has happened and start again. And deal with your idiotic brothers when they get hurt from doing something stupid!"

"If it wasn't for this war, we wouldn't have been created, civvie" Helix stated, frown settling on his face. The clones had mixed emotions about the war, without it, they wouldn't have been created. But if they hadn't, then there would be no one to stop the Seppies and protect people from their rule.

"I know, doesn't mean I have to like it" you sighed, rubbing at your tired, strained eyes and slumping against the bed.

"When was the last time you slept?" Helix asked, voice already taking on an accusing edge that set your hackles up.

"I don't know, I've been busy" you huffed, forcing yourself back onto your feet to prepare the tray for the next patient that walked in.

The CMO sent you a stunningly unimpressed look, making sure you caught how he looked around the practically empty med bay. If you weren't so annoyed, you'd be impressed. "Yes, I can see that" he drawled, raising an eyebrow at you.

"Anyway, how is it your business?" You grumbled, brow furrowing as your hands shook. From how exhausted you were or the stress, you didn't know, but you clenched them tightly to keep them steady.

"The welfare of the men and the whole crew of the Negotiator is my business. Including you" he reminded, crossing his arms and giving up pretending to help now. Something was obviously going on with you. "Have you spoken to Cody about this?" He asked softly, voice lowering, even though there was nobody around to listen in.

You scoffed bitterly, sending Helix a withering look. "You mean when I pass him in the halls, or the two minutes he has to call me. Yeah, of course it comes up" you snapped, anger glaring through you all of a sudden. You didn't know why you were so mad. Either you were mad at Cody for barely saying a few words to you in the last few days or you were mad at yourself for being angry at Cody because he was just busy doing his job.

Shocked at your reaction, Helix placed a steadying hand on your shoulder and you slumped, feeling the fight leave you. "Why don't you go and grab some food from mess and get some sleep? I can hold everything down here until you come back" he suggested, already cutting off your protests before they could start.

"Fine, but I'm not happy about this. I can work just as well as anybody else on this ship!" you said sharply, grabbing your data pad off the desk. Maybe you could file some paperwork in your quarters for a bit before hopefully falling asleep.

"I know that civvie! Now get out of my medbay until you've had at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!" Helix ordered, crossing his arms and sending you on your way.

Helix frowned, watching your form disappear through the medbay doors, wondering how he could help you. It was no surprise that Cody’s riddur was feeling the stress of spending so little time with her Commander. Their deployment had seen the 212th face battle, after battle after battle. And that meant many more troopers coming into the medbay with a variety of injuries. Some you could save, others you couldn’t. He was no stranger to exhaustion and stress after seeing so many of his vode die, no matter how much those damned long necks tried to erase it out of them.

Resolving to talk to Cody about this, he knew something had to be done. He cared about you, and he dared to count you as a friend. So he would try and help you deal with the stress and anger that was bubbling up inside of you.

Here he was, standing outside the door of his commanding officer hoping to talk to him about his girl. What he did for his brothers!

"Commander" Helix greeted, stepping into the Marshal Commander's office and saluting him.

"Helix, everything alright? Obi-wan hasn't escaped again, has he?" Cody teased, sending him a small exhausted grin as he went through a stack of data pads.

"Not that I'm aware of. But thankfully, he can't get into too much trouble while in hyperspace" Helix rolled his eyes, glad that he wasn't dealing with the Jedi nonsense at the moment. "However we have a different problem" he informed his Commander, shoulders stiffening.

Cody frowned, wondering what had caused his brother to become so tense. "Take a seat" he nodded, glancing at the chair in front of his desk. He noticed that he kept his posture straight, his shoulders tense and a worried frown was painted over his face. "What's the problem?" Cody asked, ready to put out this fire as well as the 20 others on his desk. He really needed to get back to the 18th Battalion to discuss their potential new attack formation.

"It's about your girl and my fellow medic" Helix stated, raising an eyebrow at his brother.

Cody's mind instantly came to a stand still. What was wrong? Was you hurt? Had something happened to you? Had one of his brothers upset you? The endless list of what could have gone wrong poured through his head.

"What's wrong with her?" Cody demanded, feeling his insides churn in worry.

"She's not doing too good. She's snapping at everyone, she made a shiny cry this morning and has been a menace in my medbay" Helix reported, crossing his arms and sending Cody a stern look.

"That doesn't sound like her at all. She's normally the one everyone goes to if they had a choice between you and her" Cody murmured, making Helix roll his eyes. "I've noticed she's become a lot quieter and snappy with me. But I never thought she'd act like this around others" Cody admitted, shaking his head.

"She's not sleeping well, hasn't been eating well either. The last few campaigns have been rough, we've lost a lot of men" Helix stated, although he didn't need to remind Cody of that. The Commander spent most of his days reading casualty reports for the 212th and other battalions. He knew exactly how many men were lost in battle.

Cody sighed heavily, leaning back into his padded office chair. Obi-Wan had insisted that they replaced his old one. Citing how long they both had to do paperwork, they should at least have somewhere comfortable to sit. He was glad of it now as he thought about what to do in this situation.

"Thinks we'll replace her because she's not been bred to deal with all this" Helix added.

Cody scoffed, bitterness curling in his stomach as he thought back to Kamino. "We still get affected by it. Of course we wouldn't replace her for caring" he muttered, shaking his head. "What am I going to do with my cyare?" He sighed heavily, running a hand through his tight curls.

"Try talking to her di'kut!" Helix grumbled, making Cody's head snap up. "I've sent her away to bed and to get something to eat, but it's you that she's missing! Almost snapped my head off when I asked about you. So you need to talk to her so we can find a way to help her relax and de-stress before our upcoming campaign, otherwise I'm signing her off for burnout" Helix ordered, looking at his brother sternly and leaving no room for arguments.

That was one of the first things that Cody had learned. Never mess with a medic. Their oath only covered so far and they were more than prepared to stun you if it meant you would let them do their jobs.

There was a way to help you de-stress and it was something you had both discussed before. It may help you feel better about everything, but he did want to talk to you first. Something was obviously on your mind, and he hadn't been around to help you and support you through it. This campaign had took a lot of his time and efforts up, but that was no excuse. He would have to do better when reaching out to you and communicating during these hectic times.

Resolved to sort this out in one way or another, he nodded, plan of action already forming. He would set everything up and then you and he could have a talk before you either agreed to go ahead with his plan or wished to just quietly sort everything out with him. Either way, he was prepared.

Cody nodded once more about his decision, he had become more and more concerned about you as well. If even his officers were bringing it to his attention then something had to be done. “Agreed. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Bring all available Ghost officers to room 1104 at 2100 hours” Cody instructed, typing away on his vambrace.

“Yes Commander” Helix saluted him and went to follow Cody’s instructions. Secure in the knowledge that Cody had got this handled.

When Cody managed to wrangle everything for the day, he found you in your rooms. As the door closed behind him, you barely looked away from the pot you were stirring in your small kitchenette.

“Hey sweetheart, what you doing?” he greeted, beginning to strip off his armour and place it next to the door.

“Hmm, just cooking dinner. Hungry?” you murmured, eyes unseeing of your dinner. You couldn’t help but think of all the work that was no doubt starting to pile onto your desk. There was the annual check-ups due soon for every trooper aboard the Negotiator, and it took a bit of time to prepare and order the supplies needed to vaccinate everyone.

“Smells delicious” he remarked, before coming over behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist, pressing himself against your back. He sighed in relief, soaking in your scent and relaxing presence. “And I’m always hungry, cyare. Ravenous” he tried to joke, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Good” you replied, side stepping out of his arms and busying yourself with preparing the side dish.

Cody frowned, watching as your shoulders seemed to rise, tension spread across them and the short jerky movements you were doing. Helix had been right. You were a lot more stressed than he realised. He was already thinking up ways on how to approach you when he heard your sniffle and the way you seemed to sink further into yourself.

Unable to take watching you cry and be upset, Cody instantly rushed back over to you, resting his hand on your shoulder. He was shocked when you pushed him away, flinching under his hand and stepping back. You had never done that to him before.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Cody asked, wanting to bring you into his arms to hold you and comfort you. But he knew it wouldn’t work, it would be detrimental to him finding out what was going on with you and talking about it.

“Nothing, I’m fine” you huffed, wiping away the tears and refusing to look at him. You didn’t want to see if he was angry with you, or upset. You just wanted to cry and be left alone.

“Talk to me, everyone can see how stressed you are. I’m here for you, I want to be here for you if you’d let me” Cody said softly, his voice reassuring and calm.

Admittedly it did help soothe your nerves for a moment, knowing he wasn’t angry but concerned about your behaviour. But the rush of sudden anger had words flying out of your mouth before you could even think about stopping them, as you spun around and glared at him.

“Here for me? When? When you remember that I exist? Or when you want someone to fuck?” you snapped at him, tears streaming down your face. It did nothing to hide the flash of hurt that crossed over Cody’s face at your words.

“Mesh’la, that’s not fair. It has been one thing after another trying to prepare for this battle. It’s not an excuse, but my time has been taken up by those preparations. I promise, you were on my mind during all of this. You never leave my mind, mesh’la” he admitted, taking a step closer to you and reaching out for your hand. He sighed in relief when you didn’t pull away from him. “Before we were lovers, we were friends. I want to know when you’re hurting, I want to know when you’re stressed, I want to know you, sweetheart. Is that so impossible to believe?” he breathed, looking into your teary eyes.

“Yes” you muttered, hand coming up to swipe at your tears. But he was right, you had been friends before and your words wasn’t fair to him. You knew before you started dating him that Cody was an important and busy man. He was second in command of the 3rd System Army, many people depended on him. He provided a lot of advice and strategies to the companies under him. He wasn’t always going to be able to be with you, or even talk to you some days. You just didn’t know why you were taking it this hard.

“Pretty girl, you have always been my light shining in the darkness. You see me as Cody, not as Marshal Commander or a man who shares his face with a million others. You see me, and for a clone, that is special enough. You are special” he admitted, before shaking his head ruefully. “I don’t- I don’t know how to explain just how much I love you. But when I see you hurting – like you are now – that kills me, mesh’la. I want to help, please let me” Cody begged, squeezing your hand.

Gulping back tears and feeling like you had a rock in your throat, you stepped forward into his embrace, sinking into his chest and relaxing against him. “I love you too… I’m sorry for snapping at you. I didn’t really mean it” you apologised, burying your face into his blacks, letting the tears soak through the material.

Cody wrapped his arms around you, one around your waist keeping you against him, and the other combing through your hair. Already he could feel the tension leaking out of your exhausted body. “I know love, I know. You’re hurting at the moment and that makes people lash out. Besides, I’ve heard and felt worse. Remind me to tell you of the time Fox beat me in hand to hand training one of the days” he assured, smiling into your hair and feeling your shuddering breaths ease.

“I’ll hold you to that, Commander” you chuckled weakly before sighing and scrubbing at your tear streaked face. “I just… I don’t know why it’s so hard now. I know that you were designed for war but it just hurts to know that you’ve never had a life outside of war, and pain, and hate. Some of your brothers don’t ever get to experience the world, they’re killed before they can. And I… I can’t tell anyone because then I’ll be reassigned because I can’t take the stress and then I’d have to leave you and I-” you panicked, chest becoming tighter now with every word you said.

“Breathe. You need to breathe” Cody interrupted, pressing his lips against yours in a chaste kiss to help restart your breathing.

“I guess I got lost in my own head and began overthinking” you sighed, taking in deep breaths and holding Cody to your tighter. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. Be it in battle or something else. I just… I- I just feel so useless, this war takes too much from us and it just got to me” you explained, shrugging helplessly against him. It was the best you could do, words becoming lost and your thoughts muddled as you tried to find a reason for the way you had been behaving this week.

“That’s okay mesh’la, whatever happens, you’ll have me. I’m not going anywhere” he assured, rubbing up and down your back. “Besides, you’re not the only one who commiserates our upbringing. The Jedi hate it too, but our lives on Kamino, don’t think it was full of hate. Yes the trainers and the long-necks were terrible to us but… we had each other. We experienced love and affection from our vods, from our batch mates. We may not have experienced the world like you wish us too, but we made do. Just… you can’t take it all on by yourself, love. These decisions and events were outside of your control” he reminded, kissing your temple.

“I’m glad you had your vode” you smiled softly, thinking about the rest of his brothers that you treated, as well as the millions that were spread out across the galaxy. It was nice to think that even if they didn’t a traditional upbringing, they at least had each other.

“Ugh, too many to know what to do with” he grunted, making you giggle. He really did sound like an exasperated older brother. But he wouldn’t change it for the world. He rested his head against yours and closed his eyes. “Thank you for caring about me and my vode. Especially when the galaxy is turning against us” he breathed, soaking in the way your breath fluttered against his face.

“Always Cody, you and your vode… you didn’t have a choice in all this and whatever happens, I’ll take care of you and your vode. I’ll fight the Senate if I have to” you vowed, making him chuckle.

“Oh I don’t doubt that cyare, I know from experience just how ferocious medics are – especially you” he teased, cupping your face and pulling away from you slightly. “But you need to be cared for and taken care of as well. Do you remember what we’ve spoken about before, when we were suggesting new things to try out together? The one about Ghost Company?” he prompted, thumb stroking across your cheek.

You froze, mind recalling that conversation perfectly. Cody and you had been discussing fantasies and kinks, determined to know more about each other and what you both liked. It had been a spur of the moment suggestion that Cody had liked as well. To be shared amongst Ghost Company while Cody took care of you. He would supervise everything while you could sink into the pleasure and not have to think about anything.

“I remember” you nodded, words falling carefully out of your mouth as you glanced up into his dark brown orbs. You wondered where exactly this was going.

“Would you feel up to it if me and the boys helped you relax and take care of you?” Cody inquired, squeezing your hip and letting you think things through. He had seen just how burnt out you had gotten recently, and he wanted to help you find relief in a number of ways. And his brothers felt the same, they’d all noticed how stressed you had gotten and wanted to help make you feel better. But it was and always would be your decision.

Honestly, the thought of Ghost Company sharing you and making you feel good excited you, and you could already feel your heart start to race at the suggestion. The men in that company was all loyal and brave men, you had close friendships with all of the officers. Would it affect the way they treated you? Would it be awkward when you all had to return back to work? Why would they want to help you out? Were they doing it just because their Marshal Commander asked it of them?

“Why would they want to do that with me?” you frowned, shaking your head at the thought. It seemed impossible to think that Ghost Company would want you.

“Mesh’la! You are an extraordinary person” Cody chided, brow furrowing at the way you spoke about yourself. “And my brothers have also noticed a change in you and were worried. I promise, they want to make you feel better, to make you feel good about yourself and help relieve some of that stress” he assured, cupping your cheek and making sure your beautiful eyes met his own. “I promise I’ll be right there if you want me to be. Nothing is going to harm you” he explained with a wry smile before he turned deadly serious. Cody never went back on his word, if he promised something then it would happen.

Kriff! This wasn’t something you could turn down. Or want to turn down for that matter. Taking the bantha by the horns, you made the decision.

“Yeah… yeah I want that. I want them to help me” you admitted, taking a deep breath in as you heard the words come out of your mouth. It was a bit surprising but also exciting at the same time. They were all incredibly attractive men. Who wouldn’t want them all to help you feel more relaxed. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” you asked, knowing you would need to check in with Cody. He had to agree to this as well.

Cody’s cheeks reddened and he looked away for a moment before turning back to you with a small, abashed grin. “Yeah, I’m good with this. I can’t wait to see how beautiful you look with my brothers” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

Chuckling at his eagerness, you wrapped your arms around his waist once more and hugged him tightly, taking in his reassuring scent and warm embrace. “And it hits your sharing kink as well” you teased, pressing a kiss to his pec.

“Ugh, I forgot I told you about that” he groaned, shaking his head as he tightened his hold of you, rocking you in his arms as he nuzzled into you. “But, we do still need to talk about what has you feeling like this, cyare. We need to get to the root of this problem” Cody reminded, feeling you stiffen slightly in his arms. It was obviously a conversation you didn’t want to have with him.

“Do we have to? I was cooking dinner” you grumbled, glancing back at the stove that was still on.

Cody shook his head, giving a tutting noise before turning it off and not allowing you to hide away from this. It was starting to affect your health and the way you were behaving. He couldn’t just ignore that. Both as your partner and as your Commanding Officer.

"Come on, let's lie down for a moment, dinner can wait" he murmured, guiding you over to your bed and pulling you down with him. He arranged you so you were lying on his chest, his hands wrapped around you as he held you close. Your head rested above his heart, the steady thrum enough to calm any of your nerves.

"You know, mesh’la, if you ever need to talk to anyone who's not me, I'm sure the General wouldn't mind listening to you. Or I can ask Helix if he knows anyone that would help" Cody suggested lightly, feeling the way you were beginning to relax into his arms. He knew from experience that it might be easier to talk to someone that you weren’t close to, or someone who had no interest in anything but your own emotions and how they related to the situation.

You pulled a face, shaking your head at the thought of talking to the General, or even Helix! No, it wasn’t something you felt like you could share with them. Not when they had so much authority to send you away. Besides, you were well aware of the benefits of therapy and talking to someone, you’d done it before. "I already tried that... I spoke to my mentor from medical school a few days ago. Asked him how he coped dealing with death everyday. Do you know what he said? Do you know what he said?” you admitted, voice breaking as you thought about your last conversation with your mentor. It had been enough to show you what a despicable person he was.

“What mesh’la? What did he say?” Cody frowned, knowing it couldn’t be anything good as he felt the way your breath hitched in your chest, the way you tensed up and the way your voice broke as you were talking.

“He said once you've cut into one clone you've cut into them all. You don't need to practice on any more” you cried, horror at hearing those words come from your mentor. He had always been someone you respected and listened to. He had been a great source of advice, but the way he viewed clones had you pulling away, disgusted with him.

“He is right about that, cyare” Cody sighed.

It wasn’t the worst thing he had ever heard about the clones, and it was fact that they all shared the same body. It was why organ donation was so easy with clones, there was an endless supply of spare parts if the medics needed them. It was awful to think about, but it was something they had always been made aware of. Even in death you still served the Republic.

“No he's not! You're all individuals! Every single one of you and... every time I lose one of your brothers... that's another individual lost. And it's my fault, I should be able to do more!" You sobbed, clutching onto his blacks as the tears began to roll down your cheeks. The immense guilt you felt that you couldn’t do more to help them was becoming overwhelming.

"Its not your fault sweetheart, it's the Seppies. You do everything you can to save my brothers and you care for them. You see us as people, other people will always see us as mindless meat droids and cannon fodder. But you have to take a step back love, I know it's painful but we lose men, brothers, but we remember them as they go marching on. And that is just as important. So if you remember them in your heart, but continue to fight for your brothers, then that is honouring them in a way they would want" Cody explained, shushing your cries as he kissed the crown if your head. His hands ran through your hair, and up and down your back. This was what you needed, the catharsis of release, to let all these emotions out.

"I-I wish I could save all of you. I wished their stupid war didn't exist and I wish we could just stay like this forever" you muttered, voice breaking as you buried your face further into his neck. You just wanted to hide from the world a little.

"Well, I'm good for one of those wishes, and I'm working on the other one, but the first one, that's impossible cyare. You have to learn to accept it some way or another" Cody smiled, holding you tight to his chest.

"I know, I'm trying it's just... it's just hard" you sighed, hiccuping a little as the tears started to dry up.

"It is. Almost as hard as taking care of yourself. Helix told me he sent you to get food and have a nap. So, how about I finish up dinner and you catch up on sleep? We're meeting the boys at 2100 if you feel up to it" Cody suggested, kissing your forehead once more before sliding you off his front and to the side.

"Okay, just make sure you don't burn it" you smiled, catching his hand as he got up. He shot you a surprised look that quickly turned into adoration as you kissed his knuckles. "Best get as much sleep as I can ready for tonight" you teased, excitement and nervous energy flashing through you.

"Everything is going to be fine, love. I'll have dinner ready for when you wake up. Not burnt either!" he added, squeezing your fingers before heading towards the little kitchenette in your rooms.

After dinner, you showered and got yourself ready to meet the rest of Ghost Company. You had no idea where you were meeting them, so you followed Cody's lead, letting him direct you to where you needed to go.

When he stopped outside of a nondescript, normal looking bunk room, you couldn't help but let out a little gasp. This was it. This was where one of your fantasies were about to become real.

Cody's hand came to grip your elbow, angling you towards him. His face was so sincere and soft that you wanted to pull him into your arms and never let go. "Are you sure about this, cyare? We don't have to do this if you don't want to. I wont be angry or upset, I just want to make sure you're feeling good" he reminded, thumb brushing against your skin.

"I'm sure, I know you'll look after me while the boys will make me feel good" you nodded, smiling at him in reassurance.

Taking a deep breath, Cody opened the door for you, letting you take the first step in before he followed behind you and locked the door.

As you stepped into the room, you were greeted by members of Ghost Company. Those that weren't on duty that is. Crys was leaning against the table, Wooley sitting on it next to him, Boil and Waxer was nearby, pressed close together and sending you heated looks. Helix meanwhile was giving you a once over, obviously checking to see if you'd followed his instructions.

"You're looking a lot better since I last saw you" Helix commented, voice all rough and brash but you could hear the concern underneath it.

"Wow, real smooth talker you are, Helix!" Wooley drawled, shaking his head at the medic.

Unable to help the small giggle that escaped you, you rolled your eyes at Helix, more than used to his behaviour. "Don't worry, I'm feeling a lot better since you set Cody on me" you assured.

Warm hands settled on your waist, and you leaned into your Commander. He nuzzled into your neck, leaving a soft peck there before he wrapped his arms around your waist.

"Everyone has noticed how tense and stressed you've been recently, cyare. So they were more than happy when they got the call to come help you relax" Cody explained, glancing at his eager brothers.

You felt yourself face flush, you didn't realise that it had been so obvious to everyone that you were struggling. You thought you had hidden it rather well. But being on a ship in such close quarters, no doubt people noticed the small things and the little changes within you.

"Yeah, mesh'la. We just want to help you relax, feel good again" Waxer agreed, a playfully grin on his face. No doubt all the boys were just as excited as you with what was going to happen. But knowing your love just as well as you did, you knew that tonight had some stipulations.

“Okay, are there any rules for tonight?” you asked, turning to Cody as he pulled away to slip off his armour.

"Only a couple, mesh'la, and you can change them if you want to" he assured, unclipping everything until he was just in his blacks. The orange and white plastoid was stacked and laid in a neat pile at the edge of the room. Cody nodded at his brothers to do the same. He wanted you to be as comfortable as possible, and that meant the armour had to go.

"Let's hear them then" you breathed, as you felt butterflies in your stomach as you glanced up at Ghost company.

“Nobody is going to be using your pussy tonight mesh’la, except me. They’re all going to be using their mouths and fingers on you, and you can be as loud as you want. This room is soundproof and hardly anyone comes in” Cody explained, and the other clones surrounding you didn’t seem too surprised at those rules. They were probably informed about this before they had turned up tonight. “Is that okay with you?” he checked in, rubbing soothingly at your side.

“Yeah, that sounds good to me” you agreed, smiling up at him as he leaned forward to give you a kiss.

"Good. Just let us take care of you, cyare" he murmured, lips brushing against yours softly. His hand crept up to the back of your neck, keeping you pressed against him as he took control of the kiss. He gently licked at the crease of your mouth, and you could do nothing but let him in with a small groan. His hands kneaded your neck while his lips parted yours, pushing his tongue to slide against your own.

Cody always could make you forget everything with just his mouth. Be it through kisses, or using those talented lips and tongue to make you scream, he had an ability to make the whole world around you disappear. So when you felt hands land on your waist, your shoulders, your arms, you startled just for a moment before sinking into their touches.

Cody's large, warm hands cupped your cheeks, pressing small teasing kisses over your lips until you had to push him away for air. Panting, you rested your foreheads together as the hands worked to undress you, sliding and unbuttoning your clothes until you stood naked before them. You would have shivered from the cold air around you, but they all burned hotter than a furnace, the press of their bodies keeping you nice and toasty.

“You’ve been so stressed lately, mesh’la. You don’t even have to do anything, just be a set of holes ready and wet for us, okay?” Boil's grumpy voice murmured from your side, his hot breath caressing your neck before he pressed a kiss there.

"The boys know your safe word and your safe action if you can't speak. Ready?" Cody reminded, brushing his nose against your heated cheek.

You gave him a short hum in confirmation. You wanted this. You didn't need to be asked again.

“On your knees” Cody instructed, pecking your lips once more before guiding you with his hand in your hair down in front of him and his brothers.

“You look so pretty on your knees for us mesh’la” Waxer praised, running gentle fingers over the curve of your jaw once you had settled before them. He let out a quiet cooing noise as you rubbed against the tender gesture.

You looked around you at the impressive men that had caged you in. All of them supporting impressive tents in their blacks. You couldn't help but lick your lips, thinking about tasting them, feeling the weight of them on your tongue. Crys groaned, hand coming to press against his bulge at the sinful look crossed your face.

Calloused fingertips hooked under your chin, pulling you back around to face Cody. "Eyes on me, cyare" he ordered, thumb coming to stroke against your bottom lip before he pulled away. He quickly unfastened the bottom half of his blacks and pushed them down his hips, allowing his hard, swollen length to come out.

Your mouth watered, staring at the hard cock in front of you. He wasn't fully hard like you knew he could be, but he was already leaking some pre-cum from the head and you knew he would be a challenge to take when he was hard as rock. You couldn't wait to feel that in your mouth, to wrap your lips around the head and suck him down.

"Go on, cyare. You know what to do" Cody instructed, gripping his base to keep it steady.

Finally, with his permission, you took his head in your mouth, sucking on it strongly before trying to sink further onto him and gagging slightly.

"Whoa, look how hungry she is for the Commander's cock" Wooley- you were sure it was Wooley—muttered in awe.

However, a hand wrapped itself in your hair and pulled you off him. Cody tutted, shaking his head as you whined up at him. "You know better than that, cyare. Take me properly" he rebuked, before letting go of your hair.

Pouting, you knew he was right. Normally you took your time in taking Cody into your mouth, made it a show and built his pleasure. Not rush it, unable to wait.

Raising your hands to his thighs, you shuffled forward, kitten licking at his slit before ducking to lick a long, heated swipe from his balls all the way up to his tip. Hearing the answering groan, you did it again, making sure to swirl your tongue around his head for a moment. You continued to lick him teasingly, sometimes sucking his tip and lapping up his juices.

"That's a good girl. That's better, cyare" Cody moaned, eyes sliding shut as his hand tangled into your hair. He never pulled or tried to guide you, just keeping the weighted reminder on the back of your head, keeping you connected to him. "I know, you've been rushing, having to get things done quickly. Working so hard, but I don't want that. Want you to take your time, enjoy this cyare" Cody continued, knowing his words would sink deep into your brain.

The grip on his thighs tightened, as you let out a small whine, not wanting to think about what had led up to this. All you wanted to do was focus on Cody, on making him feel good and feeling how good it was to just not have to worry about anything.

"Shh, you're alright, ad'ika. Don't have to think of anything right now" Helix assured, hand trailing along your shoulders.

Closing your eyes, you took Cody deeper into your mouth, struggling slightly as he bumped the back of your throat. Squeezing your thumb, you took calming breaths in through your nose before finally sinking all the way down on him. With watery eyes, you looked up to meet Cody's gaze, knowing he enjoyed it. You hoped he was able to read what you wanted in your eyes as well.

Cody frowned, brow furrowed for a moment before he smiled and nodded. "Alright cyare, I know, I know what you need" he assured before pulling away from your delicious mouth. He allowed you to take a deep breath before he was pushing back in, hand that was resting on your head becoming firmer and pushing you down onto his length with every buck of his hips.

Groaning, you allowed Cody to use your mouth, making sure to drag your tongue against the underside of his cock with every thrust. Already you could feel slick dampen your core, and the urge to touch yourself there grew.

"Kriff! She's so hot" Waxer cursed from above you.

Tears brimming your eyes, you dragged your nails down Cody's thigh, hearing and feeling how you affected him. The loud moan that he let out and the way his hips stuttered in their pace had you feeling very proud of yourself. Wanting to have his cum flood your mouth, you cupped his balls, beginning to gently massage them in your hands.

However, Cody quickly pulled you off him, panting heavily as he tried to steady himself once more.

"Having trouble there, Commander?" Boil smirked at his brother.

"Shut up vod! You would be too if you felt this mouth around you" Cody grumbled, before dragging his thumb over your swollen lips.

Instantly you took it into your mouth, showing him what he was missing.

"Want you to have my brother's first, cyare. Be good for them, let them take care of you" Cody told you, leaning down to brush your lips against his. It only lasted a second before he was stepping away and allowing his brothers to take over.

"Hey ad'ika, need to move you for a second, okay?" Helix informed you, scooping you up under your arms and pulling you to your feet.

Wooley and Boil laid out a thin mattress from the corner of the room and laid a few pillows down on it, trying to make it more comfortable for you.

"How do you want her?" Waxer asked, coming to your left side while Crys came to your right. They took you out of Helix's arms before taking over supporting you between them. Their arms wrapped around your waist and Crys was already pressing kisses along your jaw. Sighing, you couldn't help but tilt your head back, giving him more skin to kiss.

"I want her sitting on my face. You can do whatever you want, but I want to taste her" Helix instructed the others.

His words made you groan, imagining the clone eating you out and feasting on you. He was your boss. How would you ever look him in the face again knowing his had been buried deep in your cunt?

"Come on ad'ika" Helix muttered, voice reassuring and gentle as he saw the look on your face. He laid down on the mattress and reached out a hand for you to take.

Of course it would be fine. Helix was one of your closest friends. He looked after you and cared for you. This was just one way of doing that. So, stepping forward onto the mattress, you took his hand and let him guide you above him.

Looking down at him, you couldn't help but bite your lip, worried about suffocating him as you sat on his face. How would he breathe?

"Are you sure? What if I hurt you?" you worried, squeezing the hand that was in yours.

Helix huffed, shooting Cody a dark look as he stood in the corner. "I'm disappointed in you vod, I would have thought you showed her how impossible that is" he chided the Commander.

Cody rolled his eyes, but sent you a warm smile. "I have, multiple times. That's a concern coming from elsewhere" he grumbled before turning to you. "I promise sweetheart, he wants you to sit on him. He'd prefer to go out that way, bit of a sadist really" he teased, making you giggle.

"Yeah, no kidding! His hypos are excruciating!" Waxer mumbled to Boil, rubbing his neck where he had gotten stabbed by Helix the last time.

"Alright, I trust you" you grinned, excitement and happiness curling in your heart in equal measure. You lowered yourself until you were hovering over him.

"I said sit, ad'ika" Helix ordered, hands landing on your waist and tugging you down.

You gasped as his lips instantly attached to your folds, sucking the slick from them with a pleased moan. Fuck, your thoughts fizzled out as Helix pressed his wide tongue between your lips, gathering as much of you on his tongue as possible. He pressed against your entrance, circling it before pushing in.

"Helix!"

A rumble echoed beneath you and you clutched on tight to Helix's long hair, needing an anchor as he began to eat you out. His large hands stretched over your thighs, keeping you in place as he began to push further into your cunt, tip of his tongue teasing your tightening walls.

Closing your eyes, you tilted your head back, hair brushing against your shoulders as your breathing stuttered and became heavier. Unconsciously you began to rock your hips into Helix's talented mouth, panting as Helix pulled you into him. You could hear every wet, swipe of his tongue. The squelch of your juices being devoured by him and the soft groans he was letting out at the taste of you.

Warm fingers dancing along your jaw caught your attention, and you straightened up and opened your eyes to see Crys standing in front of you, his hard cock bobbing in front of him. You couldn't take your eyes off his length, how it was already leaking pre-cum and seemed to be an angry rouge colour.

"Think you can take me in your mouth, sweetheart?" Crys wondered, fingers continuing to stroke along your jaw and down your neck.

Leaning into the soft gesture, you knew he would accept whatever answer you gave him. Luckily for him you really, really wanted to put your mouth on him. Nodding your head, you rested a hand on his hip, steadying yourself against him while you continued to rut against Helix's mouth.

Licking a stripe up from the base of his cock to the tip, you wondered if they all liked their cocks sucked as Cody did. Slowly you began to tease at his head, trying to learn what the technical specialist liked, circling the tip before taking it into your mouth. Cody liked you going slow on him, building his pleasure and teasing him but it seemed Crys didn't. A hand tangled in your hair, guiding you to take him further into your mouth.

You groaned around him, eyes fluttering shut as you clenched down on the tongue inside of you. Helix pulled away from you, taking your folds into his mouth and suckling lightly on them while you adjusted to Crys' length. Letting yourself sink further down on Crys, you tightened your grip on his hip before he was pulling you off him.

"Good girl, took me so well. I'm going to fuck your mouth, okay? If it gets too much, tap me twice and I'll stop" Crys instructed, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face.

"Kay" you mumbled, voice already sounding strained from the use of Cody and him.

Crys sent you a grin before he guided you back down his hard cock, your soft exhales through your nose tickling the curls at the base.

As Crys found his rhythm, thrusting his cock inside your waiting mouth, Helix continued to work you open, his tongue flicking up to the bundle of nerves. It had you bucking into him, warmth flooding you at the way he was teasing your clit. Every thought vanished from your head, only focusing on how good it felt to have Helix eating you out and Crys fucking your mouth. All you had to do was take what they gave you, they would look after you. They'd make sure you forgot everything except them.

As you moaned around the length in your mouth, Helix enclosed his lips around your clit, sucking it harshly and having your cries muffled by Crys.

"Damn, whatever you just did, do it again. She really liked that!" Crys hissed out, the vibrations around his cock pushing him closer and closer to his finish.

Helix wasted no time, sucking your bundle of nerves harshly while his hands kept you secure to him. He allowed you to rock and buck against his mouth, but he wouldn't let you move far from him.

Your peak was rising, the ministrations of both clones pushing you closer and closer to the edge. Your moans were muffled by Crys, who continued to fuck into you, pace faltering as he neared his own edge.

"Shit! Oh shit sweetheart!" he hissed, throwing his head back as he pushed you all the way down onto his cock, your throat quivering around him as he found his release. He shot his thick load down your throat, and you swallowed it down with no complaint, earning another broken moan from the blonde clone as he pulled away to look you over.

"So beautiful, sweetheart. Did so well" he praised, brushing the few tears that had collected on your waterline. "Think you can cum on Helix's face now? I think he's so close he's going to blow" Crys whispered, caressing and stroking your cheeks as he shot his brother a teasing look.

Helix swore at his brother before plunging his tongue back into your soaked entrance, determined to push as deep as possible into you.

Your back arched, a broken cry leaving your lips as Helix wrapped his lips around you tightly and sucked. Tugging at his long hair, you couldn't help but feel your release wash over you as he continued to tease you with his tongue, drinking down the juices that erupted around him. Quivering at the powerful orgasm, you nearly missed the hot spurts that hit your ass. Realising what happened, you shuddered even more when you realised that Helix had come untouched and had painted your skin with his release.

Whimpering, you pushed his mouth away from you and rolled off him, panting heavily as you lay there, coming down from your high.

Sweet, gentle hands lifted your head and placed it onto a thick thigh. "My perfect, wonderful cyare. So beautiful. You did brilliant, love" Cody whispered his praises into your hair, bending down over you and laying kisses over your cheeks and head.

Sighing, you sunk into his reassuring touches and loving words, feeling them soothe you and bring your mind into a warm, heady cloud. Cody loved you so much, he was so pleased with you already and still there was more men to have you. Everything felt so right and comfortable that you almost missed Cody pressing something to your lips.

Blinking wide eyes at him, he sent you an adoring smile as he sat you up more and pressed the water canteen to your lips once again. The cool water did wonders for your throat and brought you back from that delightful and safe headspace that you had sunk into.

"That's it cyare, got to make sure you keep hydrated. Otherwise Helix will kill me" Cody chuckled, pressing a kiss to your temple as you drank.

When you had your fill, you pushed the canteen away and Cody passed it off to someone else. He held you close on his lap, brushing warm circles on your back as he took you in. "Do you want to continue, cyare?" He checked in, giving your knee a quick squeeze.

You wanted nothing more than to continue. Helix and Crys had already made you feel amazing, your orgasm still making you feel small aftershocks of pleasure. Why wouldn't you want to continue with the rest of the troopers? Nodding eagerly, Cody chuckled, giving you a chaste kiss before helping you to lie-down once more on the mattress. He transferred your head onto someone else's lap.

Looking up into heated, brown eyes, you smiled at the moustached man who was gazing at you softly.

"Hey, verd'ika" he murmured, fingers brushing through your hair and massaging your scalp.

Sighing and relaxing further into him, you almost purred at the amazing way that simple touch had you feeling loose and ready for more.

"Its mine and Wax's turn, you ready for us?" he asked, watching as a wide beam spread across your face.

"Yeah... I'm ready for you both" you assured, eyes flickering down the length of your body as you felt the mattress dip by your feet.

Waxer returned it with an easy but excited grin of his own before sliding his hands up and down your calves, going higher each time. "I really want to taste you, mesh'la. From the sounds of my brothers, you must taste divine" Waxer complimented, settling his broad frame in between your legs.

Blushing at his words, you couldn't help but nuzzle into Boil's hand. To have such beautiful, kind men eager to be with you had your heart soaring and filling with love for the troopers around you. "And I want this mouth. Had Crys and the Commander shaking like a tooka afterwards" Boil chuckled, running his thumb over your lips.

"Kriff off Boil, just wait until you have her mouth on your cock!" Crys retorted, huffing at his vod's teasing.

"Good idea vod, knew you'd have one eventually" Boil smirked, lifting his hips slightly to push his blacks down enough for his cock to bounce out. "Open up, mesh'la" he ordered, gripping the base of his cock. As soon as you opened your mouth for him, ready to take his length into your wet heat, he pushed the tip of his cock to rest against your tongue but moved no further.

Whining, you tried to push forward, bury more of his throbbing, weighted length into your mouth but he just tutted, pulling you back. "Just like this for now, verd'ika. I want you to just hold me in your mouth like this" Boil told you, running soothing hands up and down your arms and shoulders.

"That's it mesh’la, you keep him warm in your mouth while I get to work" Waxer beamed, pressing a little nip to your inner thigh before soothing it with a swipe of his tongue.

The little yelp died in your throat at the way Waxer contrasted the harsh sting with the soft glide of his tongue. He continued to rain small kisses and little nips up your thighs before he reached the apex.

"You're gorgeous! No wonder the Commander likes to keep you to himself" Waxer breathed, brushing his nose along the crease of your thigh.

Sighing around the cock in your mouth, you reached for Waxer, brushing against his smooth head to try and encourage him to move to where you really needed him.

"I know, i know mesh’la, you just look so amazing" Waxer chuckled, his hands gripping your thighs and throwing them over his shoulders. His warm breath caressed along your swollen, wet heat, causing your nipples to harden even further.

A hand entwined in your own, and you looked up with heated eyes to see Boil's hand curled in yours, giving you something to squeeze and hold beside Waxer. As a reward, you gave a light suck to his tip and Boil let out a muffled curse.

"Get on with it Wax, she's starting to get impatient" Boil grumbled, flicking his brother's ear.

Waxer flinched away but did spread your folds open with his thumb, leaving your bare to his face before he licked a long, broad stripe from your entrance all the way to your clit. He circled the little swollen bud before returning to your entrance to do the same.

Letting out a groan, you slid your eyes closed, losing yourself to their touches and the way they held you still against them. Just giving you pleasure without having to do anything in return. Whining, you squeezed Boil's hands as your thighs trembled along Waxer's shoulders. The weight against your tongue was also keeping you distracted, because you wanted nothing more to take Boil further into your mouth, have his cock brush against your throat until you had tears streaming down your cheeks.

Keeping you spread for him, Waxer's tongue delved into your sweet hole, enjoying the way your walls shook and fluttered around his penetrative tongue, almost like you were drawing him further into you. He groaned at the thought, pressing closer into you and spreading your thighs wider around his head.

Dragging your hand down from his head to his powerful shoulders, your dug your nails into his blacks, groaning around Boil as his brother seemed to want to swallow you whole. The coil in tour stomach began to tighten as Waxer pulled away to nibble on your folds before taking them into his mouth and soothing them with his talented lips.

Boil brought your attentions back to him with a slight tug on the roots of your hair. He brushed his thumb over the apple of your cheeks before slowly beginning to push his cock across your tongue. Just as he brushed the back of your throat, he pulled back once more until the tip was just resting on your tongue.

Growling a little as you realised he was teasing you, setting a slow and controlled pace, you tried to lift your head to swallow him down completely but he just chuckled and pulled you off him.

"No, I want it like this" he said firmly, smirking at the whine that you let out and the pout that formed on your face. "Not used to getting told no, verd'ika? The Commander spoils you. I'll fuck this beautiful mouth how I want, don't worry we'll get you there, just have to be good for us, think you can do that?" Boil's stern but teasing voice filled your ears.

Fine, you would let him set the pace. And you weren't spoiled, Cody just loved to see the smile spread over your face and to know he was the one that caused that. Letting out a huff, you nodded, but quickly accepted the kiss that Boil pressed to the corner of your lips.

Straightening up, Boil pushed his cock back into your talented mouth, rocking in slowly and steady just to drive you mad.

It was such a contrast to what Waxer was doing between your legs though. The Lieutenant was running his tongue in small circles around your clit, never touching it but teasing you all the same. You could feel slick leaking down onto the bed, as he kept you open, thumbs hooking your folds apart. It left you feeling so exposed and you couldn't help but buck and press your hips into his mouth.

"Waxer!" you cried, pulling away from Boil when his vod finally flicked his tongue over your clit. Pleasure raced along your body, especially when Boil gave one of your nipples a sharp tweak. Panting heavily, you clenched around nothing, wanting to be filled as Waxer took your clit into his mouth. He alternated his sucks, keeping them light and then harsh, always having you writhe underneath him as he pushed you closer and closer to the edge.

Letting out a sob, you tugged on Boil's hand and Waxer's head, wanting them closer, wanting more and more.

Chuckling against you, Waxer began flicking your clit in fast motions, determined to push you over into another orgasm. He didn't have to wait long as you cried out, back arching from the mattress as you came hard. He groaned, collecting your release on his tongue, tasting your sweet nectar as you shook around him, thighs quivering and small sobs escaping your lips as white hot pleasure washed through you in waves.

As you became oversensitive to the sweeps of his tongue, you pushed Waxer away, panting heavily against Boil's thigh. Waxer got onto his knees before you and you couldn't help but watch, eyes unable to move as Waxer quickly fisted his aching cock, pumping himself a few more times before he shot his release all over your stomach.

The warmth that landed on your stomach had you letting out a small moan, enjoying the way that the Lieutenant had painted you with his cum. It left you feeling marked, possessed in a good way. Like you belonged with them.

"Commander... can I try something different?" Wooley's voice interrupted your bliss, pulling your attention to the pair of troopers leaning against the wall.

Cody frowned, taking in his vod'ika's nervous behaviour and eager eyes. Glancing at you, he saw you were curious at his words as well. What did he want to try with you?

"You know the rules, Wooley" he warned, raising an eyebrow at his younger brother.

"I know sir, i just wanted... er to... to eat out her ass, sir" Wooley admitted, his cheeks reddening at the look Cody shot him as well as the wolf whistles of his brothers.

You felt heat flash through you at his words. It was something you hadn't even thought about happening tonight. But that didn't mean you didn't want to have Wooley's mouth on you, exploring your furled entrance.

Raising your eyes to meet Cody's, you could see that he was checking in with you. Wanting to make sure it was something you wanted to do tonight. It had been something you had explored with him before, but not something you had thought would happen in a session like this. Giving him a nod and a small smile, you reassured him that Wooley's request was okay.

Cody turned back to his brother with a hard look, wanting to tease him just a little. "Fine, same safe words and actions apply. Check in with her as well" Cody instructed, giving him permission.

"Wait! That's not fair, I didn't know that was allowed!" Waxer cried out, looking between his baby brother and you. Wooley shot him a smug look as he passed him.

"Careful Commander, your favouritism is showing" Helix smirked, leaning back against the table to watch.

"It’s not my fault that you lot wasn't creative enough to ask about this" Cody shrugged, used to the (well founded) accusations of favouritism of Ghost's youngest member.

Giggling at their complaints, you welcomed Wooley onto the mattress, taking his large hand in yours. "Hi" you greeted, smiling sweetly at the way Wooley blushed a little more at you.

"Hi" he echoed back, settling between your thighs, "you sure this is okay?"

"Hmm, more than okay" you assured him once more, squeezing his fingers as well.

"How do you want her, vod?" Boil asked, stroking along your jaw.

"Just like this. You two seem too comfortable to move" he answered, settling himself down in between your legs.

Your breath became a little heavier as Wooley pressed a kiss to your hip before his large hands slid underneath you to cup your butt and lift it up to his face. "Oh!" a startled yelp left you as your hips was lifted from the mattress, supported by the large, strong trooper.

"Like being picked up, verd'ika?" Boil grinned, stroking your cheek before returning his leaking cock to your mouth before you could even think of a retort.

It seemed that Boil was just as eager for this part of the night as well, as his pace increased slightly. Still controlled but not nearly as slow and careful as he was before. You wrapped an arm around his waist, pressing against him as much as possible as you sucked around his length.

A hot breath fanned against your forbidden entrance and it had your muscles clenching in Wooley's hands. Your heels dug into his back, ready to feel the fist touch of Wooley against you. Fortunately, you didn't have to wait long, as Wooley lightly pressed his tongue against your ass, trailed around it a few times before pulling away, not breaching you just yet.

Digging your nails into Boil's hip, you couldn't even rock forward suspended as you were between the two troopers. All you wanted was for Wooley to touch you again. "Please" you begged, as Boil's hips pulled away from you. It had the younger trooper groaning before he licked your clenched hole with slightly more pressure.

"Hmm, she sounds so cute when she's begging" Crys admired, watching the way your body shook slightly at his vod's touches and his praise.

"Relax, cyare, just let go" Cody added, noticing the tension in your body as you tried to keep from feeling too much and having this be over too soon.

Closing your eyes, you sunk into the feeling of Boil rocking his cock in and out of you while Wooley teased your furled hole. Finally you felt him push into you, stretching you around his tongue. The tight ring of muscle clenched around his venturing tongue, sending shock waves of pleasure through you, settling just behind your clit.

He lathered your opening with his saliva, making you nice and wet for him. You could feel him run his tongue along your tight muscles, coaxing you to relax and open up more for him. Wooley must have felt you relaxing around him because he groaned, the vibrations echoing through you and sending sparks up your spine.

"Fuck, sweetheart!" Boil cursed, pushing his cock further into your mouth and tugging at your hair. The vibrations that was surrounding his cock was making it difficult not to cum right then and there.

Moaning, your hand slipped between you, cupping his balls in your hand and gently squeezing and pulling at them. Your lips stretched around his thick length, running your tongue along the throbbing vein on the underside of his shaft.

"Kriff!" Boil hissed, eyes slamming shut as he thrust roughly into you as he came, pressing you down until your nose brushed against the wiry curls at the base of his cock.

Panting, you pulled away from him, sending the trooper a pleased, smug look as he almost looked deliriously at you, bliss written all over his face.

"Good girl, verd'ika" Boil gasped out, patting your head a few times before slipping out from beneath you.

Wookey squeezed your ass tight at the shift in position, keeping you secure against his mouth as his tongue devoured you. He pulled away slightly, spreading your cheeks wider before spitting on your puckered hole.

A cry left your lips at the feel of his wet, hot saliva trailing over your hole and down onto the mattress. It was something filthy and dirty and you wanted more of it. "Fuck, please! Please Wooley!" you cried, trying to writhe in his grasp but it was no use, he held you so tight.

The thick muscle returned to your ass, pushing as far in as Wooley could as he continued to squeeze and massage your ass cheeks. You reached down, hands gripping onto his Mohawk and no doubt ruining the gelled hair. Flicking his tongue over the rim resulting in another harsh tug before you felt your core tighten once more. You wouldn't be surprised if your arousal was leaking from you and dripping down your crack if it wasn't for the position that Wooley had you in.

But you wanted release, you were so close, all of them having worked you up and pushed you over the edge. You wanted it again. You wanted to cum again because it was too much.

"Cody, please!" you begged, turning watery eyes to your commander. However they didn't remain there long as they rolled into your head when Wooley grazed his teeth over your rim before suckling on it gently. You let out a loud cry, thighs trembling around Wooley's ears.

"Shh, I've got you cyare. I know, he's treating you so well, isn't he?" Cody cooed to you, brushing away your tears as you clutched onto his arm. You panted, nodding against him and bucking into Wooley's mouth, stomach fluttering as Wooley continued to devoured you. You just needed more and you knew you would cum. You just needed something to push you over the edge.

Digging your nails into Cody's arm, he locked his lips with yours, swallowing your cries as he brought his fingers to your clit, drenched in all your previous releases and arousal. He pinched the swollen bud lightly before circling it in quick, light touches that had you sobbing into his mouth.

Wooley moaned around you as he felt you walls clench and flutter around his tongue. He buried his face deeper inside of you, feeling his own cock throb at the sounds you were making.

"Cum for us, cyare" Cody demanded, keeping his firm pressure as he rubbed your clit.

The words and feel of both Wooley feasting on your ass and Cody playing with your clit had you falling over the edge, your muffled scream caught by Cody as your whole body tensed and went rigid before sinking back into their touches, as wave after wave of pleasure washed over you. Your whole body felt boneless as they pulled away from you, leaving you feeling oversensitive and exhausted.

Distantly you felt two spurts of cum land on you, one on your lower stomach that must be from Wooley and the other on your breasts, the other source must be Cody. They panted, resting against you as you all struggled to catch your breath.

After a few moments, warm arms brought you into a broad chest and you looked up into the scarred face of your Cody. He had an exhausted smile on his face as he held you protectively in his arms. Brushing the sweat stroked stands from your face, he kissed your forehead.

"Feeling better, cyare?" Cody asked, hands running lightly up and down your back and along your thighs.

Humming, you gave him a tired smile and leant your head against his chest, listening to the dull thud of his racing heart as it slowed down to normal pace. You felt amazing, your body too tired to be tense and your mind wonderfully quiet for the first time in a long while.

"Let's get you cleaned up, the others can sort this out" Cody murmured, nuzzling into your hair.

"Come on you two, here's some water and food Commander. Make sure she has some. We'll clean the bedding and get everything sorted" Helix said firmly, helping you both up onto your feet. He kept a steady grip on you until he was assured your legs wouldn't give out.

As Cody took whatever supplies he was given from the medic, you turned to check on Wooley, to make sure he was okay after he had finished on you as well. But you didn't need to worry. Waxer was already coaxing his brother to take some water from the canteen, while Boil washed him down with a wet cloth. It always warmed your heart how much the clones looked after each other.

Your attention was drawn back to Cody, as he led you to a quiet spot and handed you a ration bar. He saw your grimace and chuckled, before pouring some water onto a cloth.

"Eat that cyare, while I wash you up. The boys really got you good" Cody said, pride shining in his voice at the sight of you covered in his and his brothers' cum. It set something primal off in him knowing that you were marked as his. That you belonged with him and the 212th.

Rolling your eyes, you nibbled on the flavourless bar, once again wondering how they could even eat this rubbish on the field. But you let Cody clean you up from their spend, gentle strokes along your chest, stomach and back, making sure that you were all clean. He gave himself a quick clean before throwing the cloth onto a pile of them, ready to be disposed of later.

"Come on love" he encouraged, taking your hand and leading you back over to the mattress. Only this time it was piled high with blankets and pillows, as well as the rest of the clones already getting comfortable in a cuddle pile.

Beaming, you pulled a spare blanket around you before sinking into the middle of the pile. Cody followed after you, getting complaints as he pushed his brothers over so he could lie next to you. Giggling, you welcomed being pulled into Cody's arms as all the rest of his vode pressed around you.

"Get some sleep, cyare. You've more than earned it" Cody whispered, kissing your head and holding you tight.

And in his arms, you had never felt safer. Surrounded by the heat and bodies of his brothers, you knew that whatever happened, you would always have Cody and his brothers. You weren't fighting this war alone.

[bradshawssugarbaby]

Do I? - Beau Simpson x Reader

a/n: I've been wanting to write for Beau for a while (I love Jon Hamm and this is a hill I am willing to die on), so here's my first one for him. Inspired loosely by Do I? by Luke Bryan.

pairing: Beau Simpson x reader

warnings/content: angst to fluff, mentions of divorce if you squint, Beau being kinda soft, allusions to smut, allusions to child ab*se, Beau doesn't always know how to show his emotions but damn it he tries his best.

word count: 1.9k

taglist: @nouis-bum, @jessicab1991, @b-bradshaw, @ahopelessromanticwritersworld

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you, baby? Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy? Do I have your love? Am I still enough? Tell me don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby Give you everything that you ever wanted? Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely? Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Tell me, baby do I get one more try?

Beau grumbled as he walked through the door, his keys dropping into the catch-all dish on the table with a clatter. His brows knit together as he looked around the room, searching for any sign of you being home. His tired blue-green eyes blinked as he raked a hand over his face, trying to wake himself up as he searched the house for you. Calling your name to no response, he furrowed his brow as he pulled his phone from his pocket. He frowned as he saw there were zero missed calls and zero missed messages from you, a sign that you were truly mad at him this time. 

He let out an exhausted sigh as he slumped into the armchair in the living room, picking up a discarded baseball your son had forgotten to put away and rolling it in his hands, over his fingers and back as his mind ran over the events that unfolded that morning.

He hadn’t meant to be cold towards you or Dylan. He’d been stressed and overworked, struggling with an upcoming mission that he had to plan out, trying to ensure the right team was put together for the job. Combing through dozens of personnel files until his eyes were sore, staying up all hours of the night trying to create an action plan, briefing notes - he rarely left base anymore. He knew you’d felt neglected, and God, he hated making you feel that way. He hated that you felt unwanted, unloved, and yet, you did everything you could to still make life easier for him. He knew he didn’t deserve that. In fact, he knew he didn’t deserve you–your patience, your understanding, your love and affection. He didn’t deserve to be Dylan’s father either, not that he’d been a particularly good one anyway. 

Dylan had a baseball tournament coming up, and you’d asked Beau if he’d be able to make it. Dylan’s team had never been invited to play before, but they’d managed to make it to a statewide tournament, teams from all over California would be there with their children, ages 8-10. The Coronado Crowns were having a record season, and Dylan had begun to emerge as their star pitcher. When you’d asked him about it, he’d had a dozen other things on his mind - he couldn’t even remember you mentioning it in the first place, if he was honest. He figured he’d hummed along in response, not hearing what you’d said, but not wanting to give off the impression he wasn’t listening. 

Unaware of what he’d agreed to, Beau bounded down the stairs this morning, his footsteps heavy as he headed to the kitchen. He was running late, and barely had time to have coffee with you, but he was determined to at least kiss you good morning before heading out the door. You’d frowned at him when you saw him in uniform, and immediately, his mind began to race, running through a list of scenarios that could have upset you. He wasn’t the most romantic husband - he knew that, but he was sure he’d never forgotten an anniversary or a birthday. It wasn’t until Dylan came down in his baseball uniform, his duffel bag packed for the four-day tournament slung over his shoulder. His face fell as he looked at Beau, an instant wave of guilt washing over Beau’s face.

“I’m sorry, I forgot, buddy, listen, I really have to get this done at work, I have a briefing scheduled for today, I can’t miss it,” Beau had explained, trying to reason with his 9 year old son. 

“I get it, Dad, it’s ok,” Dylan shrugged before sitting down at the breakfast nook for some scrambled eggs. 

“We’re leaving at 10, get to Oakland for about 8 tonight,” you explained, nodding your head as you forced a smile in Dylan’s direction.

Beau let out a frustrated sigh, of course you weren’t home now - you left four hours ago. You were halfway to Oakland by this point. He leaned his head back against the chair, shutting his eyes for a moment as he dragged his hand over his face once more. He knew he’d fucked up. He knew he’d let you both down. He checked his phone again. If he left now, he could probably make it to you and Dylan by 11 if he made minimal stops on his way. He could make this right, he could show up tonight, surprise you - surprise Dylan in the morning when he woke up, spend the weekend being the father and husband he’d failed to be for the last month or so. 

Beau bolted up the stairs, quickly changing out of his uniform and into more relaxed, civilian clothes. He grabbed a bag from the closet and began to shove some clean clothes inside, showing little care about keeping them neat or organized. He headed to the bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and his razor, tossing them all into the bag in a hurry. Bounding back down the staircase, he stepped into his running shoes and flew out the door with his keys and bag in hand. A well-loved baseball cap from his college days sat in the front seat - a relic he’d meant to bestow to Dylan but forgotten about. He placed the cap on his head, sporting it backwards, just as he would have done 30+ years ago when he got it. 

As he drove down the interstate, he thought about the ways he could apologize to you. His mind ran through all the things you liked, the romantic gestures he’d heard you mention, the different romcom tropes you loved - anything he could think of that could make up for what he’d lacked in as a husband. When he stopped for dinner, pulling into a fast-food restaurant just off the highway, he contemplated what he’d say when you asked him if he was insane, knowing that was exactly how you’d respond to hearing that he drove down after all, determined not to miss a minute of Dylan’s tournament. He thought about how he’d pull you in close, giving you an emblazoned, passionate kiss as he held you in his arms, giving a rare, dramatic, public display of affection. He yawned as he pulled into the parking lot of the hotel you were staying at with Dylan, finding an open spot next to your car. He got out, smiling fondly as he spotted the bedazzled steering wheel cover that he always teased you about - the one he’d begrudgingly bought for your birthday when you’d asked for it, pretending to find it ridiculous when really, he was admiring you for it, for being so unashamedly yourself. It was a quality he was jealous of in you - he’d been brought up in an old-school military family, taught to be seen and not heard, to blend in with everyone else and to remain reserved the majority of the time. He rarely cracked a smile outside of the house, and really, even wearing a baseball cap outside of a Padres game was unlike him. 

He approached the front desk with a look of pure determination on his face, his bag clutched in his hand. Once he made it to your room, he rapped on the door with a gentle knock, trying not to make too much noise in the hopes he didn’t wake Dylan. You opened the door, looking ready to chew out whoever it was knocking for waking you, but your look of anger quickly dissipated as you wrapped your arms around Beau tightly. 

“You flew down here?!” You whispered excitedly, arms draped around his neck.

“No, flights were booked,” Beau shook his head with a chuckle, a soft smile forming on his lips, “I drove.”

“You…you drove?”

“Mhmm, all nine hours. I’m surprised I made it before midnight, I finished my briefing early, managed to get the plans set for the mission, and then got home and realized I had time to fix things with you and Dylan.”

“He’ll be so excited. He was devastated at the thought of you not making it to see him play.”

“Look, I have to talk to you, ok?” He began, shaking his head as he let out an awkward chuckle, frowning as he tried to collect his thoughts.

“I’ve been the worst husband to you. I know I have. I know I’ve made you feel unloved, and unwanted, and unimportant, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I’ve never wanted our marriage to be strained over my work, and I know my job is demanding and it’s difficult some days for me to put you and Dylan first - but believe me, I love you two more than anything. You know that, right? And, I know you probably aren’t happy with me - I don’t blame you. I know you probably wanted to divorce me ten minutes ago, and you’re complete right in thinking that - I would have deserved it.”

You pressed your lips to his gently, interrupting his rambling with a soft, tender kiss. He pulled away gently, reaching up to take the baseball cap off of his head before ducking down to kiss you again. He pulled away after a moment, breathless and blissful as he gazed at you.

“So, am I still enough for you? Do you want me to leave or do I get another chance?”

“You’ve always been enough, Beau,” you shook your head, beaming up at him, “Even when you forget commitments and you get caught up with work, or when you don’t always say the right thing, you always make up for it and try to fix things, and that’s one of the things I love about you. You drove nine hours when you realized you couldn’t catch a flight down here because you realized how much it meant to Dylan and I for you to be here. I don’t know many other men who’d drop everything on a dime to do that.”

“I guess that’s true,” he nodded, shaking his head in disbelief before leaning in to kiss your cheek. “I mean it though, I really think you could have done better than a middle-aged Admiral who can’t show his emotions very well and doesn’t know how to prioritze anything correctly.”

“You’re right, I could have, but where’s the fun in that?” You teased, taking the baseball cap from his hand and placing it back on his head, backwards.

“By the way, Beau, you should wear a hat like this more often.” 

“Yeah? You think so?”

You bit your lip seductively, holding back a wicked grin as you looked up at him, nodding your head, “Kinda makes me wanna show you just how much I love you.”

“Dylan’s asleep in here,” he laughed, shaking his head as his cheeks flushed.

“Dylan is sleeping in Ryder’s room, three doors away, actually.”

Beau’s eyes widened slightly, his hands drifting down to your hips. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at you, turning his head to the side to scan the room, seeing that, you were in fact, alone. When he turned, you caught a glimpse of the salt and pepper streaks that ran through his hair on the side of his head, the sight alone almost enough to make you melt. 

“Well, in that case, let me show you just how sorry I am.” 

[kidsinsaturn]

OMG HIII! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS BLOG. YOU'RE LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVOURITE CREATORS HERE.

I hope that your life has been well so far and sorry for my little outburst of joy.

I'm really looking forward to your new posts but please don't stress yourself about it.

Have a lovely day

boyfriend obito headcanons

[🗼] just because I've been feeling a bit silly about this little guy, and I know I already have hcs of him but,,, it's not enough

and YESS I may have been off for a year but i'll always have that annual Naruto brainrot that lasts like six months lool but thank you lots anon love yaaa

character: obito uchiha

genre: sfw; fluff; nsfw

warnings: gn!reader; established relationship; silly obito; everyone happy au bc uwu; mention of insecurities; slight size kink

..

..

..

-god, obito has been in my mind lately, and how could he not? he is sooo boyfriend material, he created the basic rules for a relationship to work, he is basically the creator of love

-he is just so silly at the beginning of your relationship!! like!! as if kakashi wasn't the reason you two got together because obito couldn't just go and confess to you!! are you nuts?? he'd lose it

-speaking of which, his confession was probably so messed up, but!! he didn't want to, wouldn't allow you to confess because he has that idea that it should be him who brings the relationship to a start

-"may I have the honor of being your boyfriend?" type of guy

-he literally asks everyone for advice and that's probably how you ended up knowing his feelings. obito told everyone and his friends just passed the word until it landed on you

-regardless of that messy start--obito will remember it and feel bad about it until the day he dies--, obito is a great boyfriend, like I said, he is a bit silly and the thing is, he may have idealized relationships too much

-obito may have watched all those stupid cliche movies in secret and thought that's how relationships are supposed to work!!

-would get into a fight for you, write you love letters, plan a secret date. any situation that appears on the kissing booth movies he is so willing to recreate them lol

-obito believes there is no such thing as the "3-month honeymoon phase" LIKE all the time, all the months, all the SECONDS he is with you should be honeymoon phase. only to be reinforced once you two get married

-of course it is beautiful and everything he does makes your stomach flutter with joy-- he is a gentleman ALWAYS, he holds the door for you, steps in first if it's a new place, and goes behind you everywhere

-and ok this is a bit angsty im sorry but this silly dude right here is very insecure okay:( I gotta be real here

-he didn't have a lot of recognition when he was a little boy and that may have messed him up a little. he will always feel like he is not enough for you, and that may cause some arguments sometimes

-he just says that you are too much for him and that he doesn't provide you that much and you're just like obito please go to sleep it's 4am

-and that's the tiring part probably: that he has these random bursts of self-consciousness at the most random times. you two are just eating and talking about some things your friends did, and oh obito just got this tight tug at his chest the second he thinks too much about your or his male friends. or even if he just saved you in a mission or whatever and it takes him like three business days to realize that he could have done a better job at rescuing you

-just be thoughtful with him ok because he seems the kind of guy that goes to sleep thinking about everything you said, nice or rude. overthinking king

-aside from his little insecurities heheh obito is giving you princess treatment like always and duhh if he doesn't do it, he beats himself up. obito has some "traditional ideas" about boyfriend and girlfriend, such as the woman should always receive flowers, never go alone in the street, and always have something of him with her (like a picture hahah silly boy)

-if you're into something like a sport or ballet or just something that's similar to a performance, he will be there at EVERY show or game, he will not miss any of them, and the day he is not there, that's probably because he is dead

-he is there holding the largest and most obvious poster with your face on the middle and the most Tumblr phrase he could think of. he blocks the view from the people in the back but he does NOT care

-if you are into something more private, obito will always be so happy providing your with materials and just his sweet time watching you as the most marvelous creature the gods ever created

-he always has the best intentions for everything. if something goes the wrong way, he is so devastated. say that you have too much work/paperwork/homework lately and he just wants to relieve some stress off your shoulders!! poor baby just made things worse: everything is on the wrong place and just his help wasn't helpful. obito feels stupid and dumb. he ends up cooking you something

-obito has all the love language because mmm his partner should feel loved in all the possible ways. just give him quality time and that's enough for him

-but overall, great boyfriend, he is your number one fan, admires absolutely everything you do and when you're not looking, little hearts form in his eyes when he looks at you, he is just so smitten he might as well just ask you to marry him after three weeks of dating

nsfw ->

-man gets hard just by hugging you

-please do not make fun of his condition okay:( he was just sexually restrained as a teen, and just overall shy about anything that had to do with sexy times

-my own hot take but obito probably stayed virgin by choice. like he was desperately waiting for the one to lose his v-card with because otherwise he feels like he is betraying his true love

-and ohhhh obito has NO idea of the beautiful, marvelous, oozing body he possesses. he is big, strong, tall, thick, and just mmmmm

-the first time you mention somehitng about his physique, he gets all flustered!! if you were in the middle of the act, he would need two minutes to calm down or he will cum by just hearing sweet words

-beautiful dick OBVS, he doesn't know how to use it, lets be reals. if you are his first time, he is so messy. his movements are so asymmetrical and have zero rhythm. after a few times, he learns

-I can only dream about obito's cock PLEASE. large, thick, curved just the right way to make you squirm. just BIG. his dick just springs up every time he takes his pants off and it hits his abdomen in the most sensual way posible. cock possible as large as your head whaaat

-his pre-cum is so bitter!! the first time you tasted it, you made a face. his cum is even sourer. obito feels a bit bad but he understands and doesn't say anything

-you are literally what matters during those sexy moments. he does not allow himself to feel any pleasure before you. it takes you a lot (just kneeling) to give him a head

-please all your sounds should be moans, or whimpers, or small screams of satisfaction, because if he SEES, or hears, or just senses that he may have hurt you, he stops completely and doesn't touch you until you convince him you are fine

-king of aftercare

[khaire-traveler]

Since it keeps coming up, I want to state that I do have my asks turned off currently. My inbox was getting flooded with lots of people all of a sudden, especially requests for Subtle Worship posts, and it was beginning to overwhelm me. I have a lot going on in my offline life right now, so I'm also trying to focus on that which is also why I haven't been posting much. I just (literally one week ago) moved across the US, so I've been pretty consumed by the stress of that.

To make it clear, I'm not deactivating my account or going on a hiatus or something. I'm just not going to post as much or answer any asks. I'm just stressed, overwhelmed, and burnt out. Exhausted or anxious have become my natural states of being lately, and Tumblr hasn't exactly been making that better for me. I'll be alright; I'm just tired.

I do plan to continue the Subtle Worship series, but I'm taking a break from those posts for the time being because it takes a lot of time, energy, and effort to make them. It can be quite an exhausting process over time, especially since, admittedly, it's not super rewarding, if I'm being honest. While I make those posts to spread information, I also am often taking requests and creating posts for deities I have no experience with. Although it's great to get the word out about lesser known deities and that is a good feeling, I'm not getting paid or compensated in any way for these requests. I'm giving it my all, trying my best to come up with helpful suggestions on simple worship of deities I have never interacted with, and it takes a lot out of me. Oftentimes, I am attempting to connect with the deity's energy in order to come up with ideas which is extremely tiring when repeating that process over and over again. I enjoy making these posts, but it has stopped being fun for me and has started feeling like an obligation or expectation. So I'm taking a break for now.

I love running this blog, but it's beginning to feel like more work than anything else. I keep doing things for people, going out of my way to attempt to answer questions and creating posts upon request, and yet, it never feels like enough. There's always more for me to do, more questions to answer, more posts to create. This is meant to be an experience that I enjoy, but I'm not enjoying this anymore. It feels like a job that I don't get paid for. I love helping people, don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when it starts to be too much. Some questions are also answered by things in my pinned post, and although I enjoy helping people, as I said, it does get tiring having to redirect them to posts they can find themselves if they look at the links I've provided past the "read more". I will say that I wish people utilized my pinned post more.

So thank you, everyone, for your support and concern. I just want to rest for now. I want to enjoy myself. I want to post things that I like posting and researching things I want to actively learn about. I'm happy to help, but the person who most needs my help right now is myself, so I'm gonna focus on them. Please take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡

[theteasnake]

I'm once again talking about Danny Johnson because fucking brain rot.

But also character analysis because that's how I show love to my favorite (comfort) characters. 🩵

I swear I'm not trying to flood the Danny tag.

I've seen a lot of characterization of Danny, ranging from abusive and manipulative to a man whore who's a perv.

And I'd like to throw in: just a very tired dude who happens to be mentally unwell.

The only thing keeping this guy from offing himself is his hobbies, which just so happens to be creating stories and murdering. Like, if things went differently and he didn't turn to murder, he'd probably just end up a horror writer (good ending).

Other than stories/killing, he has adrenaline, but those almost always end in a crash. And at some point, he's gotta settle down for bed.

He's never made any meaningful connections to anyone outside of his dad, and even then, it seemed very... unpleasant and complicated. Even he can't tell if he has positive or negative feelings for his dad.

Even if he interacts with other people, he's still isolated because they don't know the real him. He's people-pleasing to the max because his livelihood and survival depends on how likable he is, because why would such a nice and young man commit all these murders all over the country? The same can be said about him and his dad, he had to be what his dad wanted him to be. It's not said if his dad was physically abusive, but military dads who came back from war tend to have a track record of being unkind to their sons.

I don't think he's ever felt a moment of relaxation or peace. He constantly has to watch others and keep a distance, and even when he's alone at home, all he does is sit and stare over his work. He has no sense of identity outside of his murders and stories.

I also saw that the developers called him narcissistic, mainly as an insult, and I don't know much about NPD (I've seen others say he has symptoms and most likely has it), so I can't comment on that. But I don't think the insult is even justified, he's not using others for his own needs, he keeps others at arms length because as soon as someone gets too close, he's done for. He also doesn't seem to be too showy with his work outside of his Ghostface persona, it's even said that he's only written some of the articles on GF (meaning his job in Roseville).

I doubt he's even been in a genuine romantic relationship. He's probably entertained the idea just to keep face or to blend in more because it would be weird for a young guy to not be looking for a girl to settle down with.

Not to mention the exhaustion from getting up early, working a 9-5, then staying up late to stalk/kill, then having to constantly play a character and following a script almost 24/7, while being on alert nearly his whole life. Then then suddenly being thrown into a slower pace environment where he doesn't have to worry about dying or being caught or having to pretend.

I could only imagine the whiplash he had.

Not to mention being labeled the Entity's (basically the god of this realm) golden child and favorite. I wouldn't be surprised if that title also adds stress/pressure.

Sure, he probably enjoyed it for the first hundred or so trials. But eventually everything starts being the same, and it's always the same people each time, and he's only allowed to do so many things in the trials, it eventually gets boring.

He went from taking his time to learn his prey, planning out an extravagant kill to rushing everything and doing things on a whim or following the same script over and over again (check gens, expose people, chase them, hook them, rinse, and repeat).

And we don't know how trials actually work in universe, we don't know if they canonically get breaks or even if the killers get breaks, or if they actually have places to stay in in-between trials, or if they're just overworked with trials back to back to back. We don't know if he is even given a chance to explore things and himself in the realm because he sure as hell never got one in his world.

Tattoos and piercings? Couldn't get them, those are identifiers and he'd stick out, plus it would leave a trail (idk in the 90s, but I had to give up ID to get my tattoo, and certain piercings need ID as well). He would constantly have to change his hairstyle and hair color, along with using makeup to make himself look different (that scar on his forehead is an identifier). He'd be forced to wear clothes that would match his current character's taste, never his own because that would be too consistent. He'd have to change up his way of talking (adding accents, switching up his vocabulary to match the locals, maybe even changing how his voice sounds). Constantly talking about topics he barely knows about because people around him enjoy it, pretending to be in the know to stay in the crowd. The only thing that he knows he enjoys is horror, but even then it doesn't scare him anymore and he only longs for the days when it did (and also probably rock considering his terror radius has some rock elements)

Who is he really? Who knows because he sure as hell doesn't. Maybe even that goofy side is just another facade to make others like him more.

I know a lot of his personality is hidden and not shown because it's supposed to be "it could be anyone" type of thing, but also, that could just play into the fact that he's technically a "nobody". Forever changing and blending in. I doubt even his Ghostface persona is the real him, it's probably just another character in his stories.

[scarfacemarston]

Hey! I saw your post asking for Bucky requests so I have one:

I was thinking maybe a Bucky x Gender Neutral Reader where he asks his partner to shave his face and trim his hair for him? Nothing smutty or anything, just some nice fluff of Bucky being taken care of and treated gently by the person he loves 💜 thank you in advanced!!!!

Sorry this is so late, but I FINALLY did it. There is a reference to make up in the post, but I firmly believe that's a gender neutral thing.

You shut the door to the apartment, placing the keys in the key basket.

"Darling? I'm home. Are you here?" You called.

"Yeah, in here," Bucky called back. You took off your jacket, threw it on the couch, and followed his voice. There, you saw Bucky, his hands on the counter, gazing at himself in the mirror, looking contemplative.

Usually, you allowed Bucky to speak on his own time, but sometimes, you gently encouraged him to communicate his feelings.

"Penny for your thoughts?" You asked, slipping an arm around his waist, your head resting on his back.

Bucky let out the quietest of chuckles.

"Don't have any of those. Thoughts or pennies." He muttered. The air was thick with apprehension.

"Fine. I think it's time for a change. I'm tired of seeing him in the mirror. It's a constant reminder of those days and I'm tired of it. I know everyone wants me to move on. It's easier on them than having this…half human cyborg old man people think is on the verge of snapping."

You squeezed him tight.

"You're not  a half-human cyborg. Yes, you're old, but you're still human. And one of the strongest men I know." You sushed him.

Bucky grunted in response before turning to face you.

"I think it's time I cleaned up a bit. I won't ever be the old me. That man doesn't exist. He died in '45. That's who people want me to be, but it's not going to happen. I don't want to look exactly like tht. It feels like I'm being mocked. Maybe….something similar with a modern twist. I don't know. I used to know what suited me. I don't anymore." He sighed.

"Maybe I can help? I've cut my hair a few times and I know how to shave if you want that as well."

Bucky raised an eyebrow.

'You'd do that for me? Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't, handsome. This is only if you want it, though. Don't do it for me, or for Steve or to make others feel a certain way."

"Right, I know. That's what I was saying…But I think I'm ready." Bucky confirmed, giving your hand a squeeze. You nodded as the both of you gathered the supplies needed in the bathroom.

You pulled a dining room chair in, set a washbasin to create a makeshift workstation, and grabbed hair supplies. Bucky gathered towels and shaving supplies before pulling out a small grooming kit. He smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, I bought it myself. I've been trying to psyche myself up for a while, but I just haven't been able to do it." he shrugged.

"Stop worrying and come sit down. Relax. Everything will be okay. You're in control, Bucky. It's 100% you. If you only want a few centimeters off or even decide to change your mind, you can do that. This is your choice." You stressed.

"I know. Thank you." he muttered quietly as he sat down.

"So, shaving first or hair?" you asked as Bucky took a seat, resting his head back.

"Hm, I'm thinking a shave," he answered

"A trim?" you asked

"No, a full shave." he clarified.

You paused.

"Are you sure?" you asked.

"Yes. Absolutely. It will grow back in a few days if I hate it." he confirmed/

You nodded.

"Of course. That should actually make things a little easier.. I'm a raid I don't have those long razors that open up on a hinge."

"Well, no. I wouldn't expect you to," he laughed.

"This isn't 1850 either. But, hey, even if you did, I'd trust you with a knife against my throat anyway!" He said with a lopsided grin.

"True. Now, let me pamper you." You said playfully, patting his cheek. You turned on the warm water, wetting his face before placing shaving gel on his lower face and jaw and gently rubbing the product in as it sudded up. You smiled at Bucky as you leaned over and pecked his forehead.

"You ready, big guy?" You murmured.

"Baby, we're doing a haircut and a shave, not about to jump out of a window in a burning building," Bucky said, rolling his eyes.

You held up your hands in defense.

"Alright, alright, just making sure!" you said as you gently began to shave, going methodically slow, careful not to nick Bucky. It was far easier than you thought it would be. It was no different than shaving in most other places…well, except for a nick, it could be more serious here, but who's asking?

The actual shaving took little time. You admired your handy work. The shave took years off of Bucky's appearance. You grinned as you rinsed Bucky's chin and neck. 

"Looking good, handsome! Not that you didn't look handsome before," You amended.

"Now, your hair. I'll wash it first but for the cutting? That shouldn't take too long, but I want to be careful, " you said.

You started to hum absent-mindedly as you set to work. Bucky closed his eyes in bliss as you shampooed his hair, massaging the soap into it. Bucky grinned, sighing happily.

"You have magic fingers," he murmured with a happy groan. You spent extra time massaging his head, knowing that Bucky had frequent headaches. However, cutting his hair took longer than you expected, but Bucky was still. You checked on Bucky every few minutes before hearing Bucky sigh in annoyance.

"I'm fine! Just keep working!" Bucky finally chastised.

You smiled to yourself,

"Just checking, darling. I'll stop," you replied, quietly returning once more. Soon, you stopped, proud of your work. You withheld a gasp as you reached for the hair dryer. Bucky was always beautiful to you, regardless of his appearance, but this haircut was a different sort of beauty. You had studied the fashion, hair, and makeup of the 40s once you started to date him to plan a potential date night with materials from the era. That, and you had seen a few photos of Bucky's time before and during the war.

While he did not look identical to his time in the 1940s, there was still an element of the 1940s with a touch of modernity. Truth be told, you were quite proud of yourself. You couldn't wait to see how Bucky styled it.

Bucky's eyes widened as he saw your smile.

"Alirght, let me see, let me see, " he said, sitting up. He stared at his reflection, his expression blank, before he narrowed his eyes, the silence filling the room. You swallowed your anxiety.

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair before flitting his eyes to yours.

"It……..looks good." He finally answered. That didn't seem optimistic.

"I messed up, didn't I?" You said, trying to keep the defeat out of your voice.

"No. You didn't." He answered sharply before softening his features.

"It's just different, is all. I haven't seen me look like this since the early 90s when I was expected to complete an assassination  undercover." he explained.

You couldn't bring yourself to say anything except 'Oh.'

"But it still looks like my former self. It was risky for Hydra to do really, considering this is bringing back memories. Turns out, Hydra couldn't shut everything out."

"I'm sorry." You began.

"I promise you, I'm fine. I won't break. I told you that earlier, didn't I? No. I'm just surprised is all because I do see bits of who I was before, but it's still different enough that I'm not identical." Bucky explained. Bucky sighed before taking your chin into his hands.

"Don't worry about me. You did a wonderful job." He murmured as he kissed you gently.

"Besides, I saw your expression when you finished. Clearly you liked it, which makes it all worth it…and no, you're not making me be someone I don't want to be. You accept me as I am and that's the difference." He enunciated.

He got up, brushing the hair off of him.

"Uh, I'll get a broom. I insist." He offered. He grinned at you, making you lose your breath.

"Let's get dinner out. You can show me off." he winked.

"Sounds like a plan." You said, returning his grin.

[simplepotatofarmer]

Blog Update:

Hi, it's me, Loyal.

I just want to say first and foremost, I really do love (parts of) the fandom and I'm not going anywhere.

I will, however, not be around as much. One, I'm about to enter an all day intensive treatment plan so I'll literally just be on in the evening. Two, as much as I'm going to keep writing and creating, I have no intention of interacting publicly with fandom as much as I have.

I can't. It's actually fucking insane that it's gotten to this point. I made tribute post and because I used lyrics from Dream's song, I got harassed. The people doing this, acting like this, thinking this way are insane.

So in case it's not clear: Based on my personal lived experience and some information that's come to light, I still enjoy Dream's content. You can approach me personally, off anon, if you want to know my reasoning. If you dislike me for this, that's fine. But I'm done trying to walk this fine line just so I don't get people threatening me, my kids, and my pets. Just so people stop sending me the city I live in, so they stop digging up twelve year old tweets, so they stop calling me slurs and suicide baiting me.

That's absolutely insane. It's horrible. It's disgusting and I was honestly just sitting here, taking it, because I'm terrified of upsetting people and losing friends if I say 'yeah, I'm excited for a new manhunt and I also this song helped me and my kids process my grief'. And the worst part is, it's not an unfounded fear. People have done the most vile shit to me. People I thought were friends jumped on me instead of those harassing me.

I just want to post about Techno and c!Rivals duo and not worry about whether or not this post is going to get me hate. I don't want to worry about how random discord servers are talking about me.

Because that's fucking batshit. Not the worrying, but what these people are doing and I'm tired of letting this effect me. I have enough going on in my personal life. My partner of 15 years almost died. We almost lost our house. I should be able to come online and post about the silly minecraft guys I like and their RP and lore without censoring myself out of fear of literally being doxxed and cyber stalked. I should be able to talk about the racism that effects me without being afraid people will make it about cc drama or calling me slurs or erasing my identity as an Ojibwe person.

The people doing this are the problem. It hurts that so many people are part of this, it really does. But I can't keep letting it get to me. I've always done my best to be kind. I haven't been perfect, especially not lately, because all this hate and stress has gotten to me. I've lashed out. I shouldn't have.

And I shouldn't have had to deal with all that shit in the first place. I hope no one else does. It's terrifying and draining and I'm done.

So I intend to post the things I enjoy, I intend to reblog my friends' art, write the Emerald duo and Rivals duo fics I want to. I want to post about the Syndicate and the new manhunt when it comes out. That's what I'm going to do.

Asks are staying off for the moment because people are too happy to make burner blogs but I'll probably turn them back on at some point as I love answering lore and headcanon questions and, again, it's fucked up I can't enjoy an aspect of the site and fandom because people can't just leave me alone.

To those people: Get help. You're harassing someone because you think they deserve it and that's the most fucked up thing.

To everyone else: So so many of you have been amazing. You've been supportive, you've been kind. That kindness and support speaks volumes and I love you all. I genuinely love you. Dreblr, you've been here for me for over a year at this point and I cannot thank you enough. You are the best part of fandom as far as I'm concerned. And to Dtblr, y'all have come to support me countless times and that means the world to me, it really does. As for all my fellow Rivals duo fans, you people are worth your weight in gold for the joy you bring. A special shout-out to @vpofcookies because you've been here since the beginning, practically, and I love you. There's more but you know who you are.

Anyway, I've been carrying this for awhile and I'm tired. I'm no longer going to give any amount of thought to the people determined to drag me down and harass me constantly.

My best advice is stop focusing on the things and people you hate and instead focus on what you love. That's what I plan to do, from here on out.

[maho-s-blog]

I had some free time and I've been wanting to try to create a design based on Rilian for a very long time but there was always no time or energy. So I found a blank sheet, drew a sketch, I took a photo and painted it in an Ibis.

The drawing is dirty, but lately I've been really tired and And I don't have much time to refine and clean it :( sorry

Maybe later I redraw it better

At first, I wanted to do art like she as Genshin char but I dont play in Genshin now (Maybe temporarily, maybe I won't play anymore, I don't know ) The influence of genshin and other gacha games remained, originally the red accents were hints at the pyro Vision or thing like this.

🎵About design: I consider Rilian to be a lover of puffy dresses, but I think that if she had to wear something more practical, she would still be a lover of bows and ruffles. Even in breeches, she would strive for look more ✨luxurious✨ than ever 💫

🎵About draw in her hand: The picture with the nun is the worst part, I don't know how to make it better, maybe later, when there is less backlog at work, I can find a solution to all the shortcomings of the sketch. But not now.

[Despite this I am relatively satisfied, I spent time drawing and now I am relaxed and stress is mercier than before! That's nice]

I'm also attaching Blink below, I was thinking and playing song in my mind while I was drawing, so few people know about this song, although it's beautiful and reveals Rilian even better for me

[kuu-stuff]

28 December 2024

I've been in that weird tired and stressed state of mind for quite a while now. I can't find the trail I'm supposed to follow. It's not that I can't draw, but my art lately feels wrong. Even if it's not bad, I just don't feel anything good about it. I think about my old art and feel like I regressed. I tried to come back to an artstyle I was used to before, but it doesn't feel better. I simply didn't find the problem yet. I think about it day and night and it makes me so exhausted. If I could nap all day I would. It feels quite pathetic because I'm not doing anything hard lately and I'm complaining about such little things. But it's just not working, no matter how long I sit in front of my tablet, my pen in hand, I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, I don't feel like I have a single clue and it drives me crazy. I know that it happens at least once a year. Last year I spent like 3 month working almost exclusively on Remnants of our memories and a few weird digital painting projects. And back then too, I felt so wrong about my art and everything in general. Maybe it's seasonal depression or maybe pushing myself so much in October then trying to keep a steady rythme in November just messes up with my brain.

✰✰✰✰✰✰✰

I'm usually way more happier and more efficient when I manage to forget who I am. I repress every feeling I might have about myself or my past or even my present. I pretend being a character I'm not and daydream about stuff that has nothing to do with me. I started This time I can share it with you a few months ago and since it's a shameless self-insert I created to dwell on those repressed feelings and memories, it opened the whole can of worms and pushed me back into that whole spiraling problem I have. In a way it would certainly better to just leave the past to the past, since the past only brings me shame and self-sabotaging behaviors, but I wanna be able to express the pain and isolation I went through, I want to talk about myself without it feeling illegal or gross, because it's just a story, even if the feelings I wanna put into it are very real. But those feelings now keep coming back at any moment of the day, even when I'm not trying to think about the comic at all, because I spent so much time ignoring them for the few last years. I suppose that those kind of stuff need a long time to heal. I have so many mixed emotions about everything. I really only started to think about everything that happened to me when I entered adulthood. Then so many more stuff happened that I had to completely block it out of my mind to be able to work and hope for a better life. And now allowing myself to exist again is very painful. ✰✰✰✰✰✰✰ Maybe I am just depressed after all and that's why I can't draw much for the moment. Between scary emotions, realizations and watching videos talking about issues I've been dealing with it's hard to really focus on anything else. I just have a very hard time to not feel like my death would be a better thing for everyone than anything I could do. And why doing anything if the result would just be bad or not good enough. Feeling like a failed artist when it's the only good thing I have ever done in my life is quite soul crushing. I hope I will be able to finish my comics for the people who appreciate them and I hope that they won't be disappointed along the way. What am I if I can't even do that.

[microknifeyuri]

Beware of HybridAlex17.

CW: Guilt-tripping, Suicide Baiting, Manipulation, Stalking, Identity Theft, Death Threats. Please read this. It is very important.

Hello, I usually don't make these type of posts, but lately I've been too stressed to even be here on Tumblr due to a certain individual in The Lego Movie Fandom. And that person is @/HybridAlex17.

Weeks ago, I decided to cut ties with this person on a calm way due to the fact that I genuinely couldn't keep the friendship going on any longer. Truth is that this friendship made me feel like I was trapped.

I'm in no way invalidating his trauma and suffering, and of course, I will always try to help my friends in times of need, but Alex constantly needed me to "comfort him" and basically be there for him all of the time, making me responsible of his emotions since he's an very unstable person "who would think of the worst case scenario happening to me" if I didn't told him what I was doing at the moment. Of course, friendships are meant to work through bad and good times. But there's moments where you should realize that you have limits. I had mine.

And I couldn't possibly just stay any longer in a relationship where it felt like I had to take care of someone. That's not what I'm looking for. It never was. I felt unsafe and constantly scared about what he could do to himself if I said the wrong thing, as he was constantly feeling bad about everything. And call me what you want, but I realized that, I do not want to be there. But even then, I didn't have any hard feelings towards him. I genuinely wished him the best and to get better, but I couldn't be there to see that change. My mental health mattered. So I spoke to him very calmly about it, reassuring him that I do not hate him and I just wanted to cut our ties peacefully.

(At the moment, I censored his name to protect his identity. This was before I blocked him.)

Then, in reply, he guilt-tripped me, wishing that I never met him, that he died that one time, that this never happened, and everything. Despite me having high hopes for him to actually react properly, he didn't. So I ended up blocking him in all of his accounts and just calling it a day, because I didn't want to think of it. Sounds pretty fair by now, right?

Well, the story does not end there. Some more days later, he would then tag me on a PUBLIC POST (because he couldn't just DM me, I guess), apologizing for taking it too personally and for everything in spanish. I spoke to my friends about this at the moment because I really didn't feel like it was genuine. You would never post an apology towards someone unless you would want them to feel pressured to reply to you, right? Well then, because he did this already MORE THAN ONE TIME with me. I blocked him because I really didn't want to deal with it. It was tiring and I was hoping that he would just give up.

(This account of his does no longer exist.)

But then, here comes the impersionation thing. Three days ago, my friends sent me an blog that was weirdly similar to mine. Lucy icon and the description, eh, ya' know. Very fucking basic. And look at the URL. A mix of the words Max and Philippa but changed to spell Philippines.

And if that does not convince you, then take a look at this post.

"Android Emmet AU".

I swear to fucking God.

You guys might or might not know that I'm the creator of the Android Rex AU, I created it on June 22 of the past year, being the second AU I've ever made. So he didn't only just made a weird puppet of me to pretend that we're still friends, he's STEALING THE WHOLE THING AND TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS THINK THAT IT IS AN ACCOUNT OF MINE.

But seriously though. Come on. He's not fooling anyone. It's an pathetic imitation of who I am, of what can I do. He's acting like he knows me enough, but he never even tried to. He could never replace me. He will never get me back. And he knows it. He knows it so well.

Yesterday, it was my birthday. Of course, it was a great day for me. But various anonymus asks came in for me then. The first ones were kind ones, but then, there were some that straight up wished that I was never born and that I died! And hey! Not to assume! But that was Alex in different accounts! Because he literally stopped once I turned the anonymus off and one of my friends stood up for me!

And you can see this by scrolling through my blog just a bit!

And once he realized that he fucked up, because they thought that this friend of mine didn't have any relation with me (despite the fact that I do have posts where I drew their guys), he blocked them and "apologized". Can't even take responsability for such a messed up thing.

And he just didn't stop there. Wishing me death? Expected it. But how did he know that it was my birthday? Because I blocked him before I ever publically told it. And that's when it hit me. An alt account. And someone sent me a post in which he drew Android Rex and Joseph, two of the main characters of my AU for my birthday, saying that he wishes the best for me and stuff.

I never fucking told you when my birthday was. You could have never possibly known unless you were stalking me over an account. You use alternative accounts to boost your own art and don't even try to deny it. People will realize once they take a look. So many empty accounts. Instead of moving on and just fucking accepting that I cut ties with you because you made me feel scared of even entering this app, and learning from your mistakes, you're being a fucking creepy man. And don't deny it. You've done this to a bunch of people here. My close friends were affected by your shit.

And I know that you're going to see this.

And just so you know, since you crave my attention so fucking much to the point where you created a fake account that was "me" so you could still think that nothing happened, let me tell you something.

I was never angry at you. I stated that I wanted to cut ties because I couldn't be in such a toxic relationship. I respected you as a person. But then you tried to make me feel bad about my choice. About everything I do. Because that's what you're good for. Is this how you treat your friends? Because Good Lord. Seeing your true colors makes me think that we were never really friends since the start.

And even then? I'm not angry at you.

I'm disappointed.

And I already hit my favor quota on saying this in the most harmless of ways possible, but I'm feeling generous. So. Like. Have some dignity, would you? Don't be an asshole. Move on. I already did.

I hoped that you would move on. But you never learn anything, do you? You said how much you cared about me back then. I guess death treats, constantly stalking someone, and impersonating them is your way to care.

I will never be your friend.

And to those who read this post, please, do not harass HybridAlex17. As much damage he has done, he's not worth it. What I would be thankful of is that you guys report the fake account he made of me, since I can't do it myself. And let others know about him and his doings.

If you're a friend of HybridAlex17, then I'm deeply sorry. I do not have any hard feelings towards you, but I would rather not interact with anyone who is.

And with this, I'm done. Take care, all of you.

[kisses-for-you]

Ill - Kory Anders

Kory Anders X Fem!Reader

Summary: You've been diagnosed with a serious illness that Kory is about to find out about.

Word Count: 1,099

⚠️ Warnings: Cancer.

You snuggle comfortably into Kory's warm embrace, feeling the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Kory wraps her arms protectively around you, creating a cosy cocoon of affection. As you lay entwined, you listen to the sound of Kory's soothing heartbeat that syncs in perfect harmony with your own. In that peaceful moment, time seems to slow, and the world outside your embrace fades away.

As you lay there, you notice Kory starting to slowly doze off. You loved moments like this. Just you and your girlfriend with not a care in the world. But that's where you're wrong. There's one thing you haven't been able to stop thinking about. Your cancer.

You got diagnosed with it around a month ago, pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately for you, it's already spread and it's in its advanced stages, which means it can't be treated. Or rather it can but it's highly unlikely that it'll work. So why bother? You should've noticed the signs, maybe then you wouldn't be in this situation, worrying about how long you have left with your girlfriend, wondering what your last moments with her will be. But then again - the doctors did say your specific type of cancer is hard to detect in its early stages. So is it really your fault that you didn't notice?

Maybe you didn't notice but Kory did. Of course, she still doesn't know about the cancer. You just don't have the guts to tell her. However, she noticed the constant tiredness and the sudden weight loss. You did try to convince her it was just exhaustion from how hard you were working but she knew better. She knew you were lying and she knows you still are, no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise.

Your thoughts come to an end when you hear Kory's light snores coming from behind you, telling you she's asleep. As carefully as you can, you slip out of her grasp and leave your room. You head to the kitchen for a glass of water, your mind starting to race with thoughts of your illness once again. The sound of footsteps approaching snaps you out of your train of thought.

"Y/N, is everything okay?" Kory asks.

You turn around to find Kory standing in the doorway to the kitchen, concern etched across her face. You force a smile, trying to hide the weight of your secret.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Just couldn't sleep, you know?" you reply, attempting to sound casual. Kory narrows her eyes slightly, sensing that you're lying to her yet again.

"Y/N, don't lie to me," she says softly, stepping closer. "You've changed, you know? You're always tired and you've lost so much weight in such a short amount of time - Y/N, just talk to me, please."

Your forced smile wavers as Kory's genuine concern pierces through your attempts to conceal the truth. You take a deep breath, trying to choose your best words very carefully.

"Kory, it's just... I've been feeling a bit off lately," you admit, still covering up the full truth. "But it's just stress from how much I've been working. I just need a small break and I'll be fine, really."

Kory studies your face, her eyes searching for reassurance. Despite your attempt to downplay it, she knows there's still more than you're telling her. "Y/N, I know you better than anyone. This isn't just stress. Please, talk to me. I want to help."

The lump in your throat grows heavier, but you manage to respond, "Look, Kory, I'm not going to burden you with my problems so let's just enjoy the moments we have together, okay?"

Kory's slowly getting tired of your bullshit and it shows when she accidentally snaps with a slightly raised voice, "Well I can't really enjoy the moments we have together if all I can think about is how my girlfriend keeps lying to my face and I can't stop worrying about what's wrong with her."

Your heart pounds as Kory's words hang in the air, her frustration palpable. You take another deep breath, realizing that you can't keep evading the truth any longer.

"Kory, I..." Your voice falters, and you lock eyes with her, vulnerability laid bare. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry, but it's more than just stress. I've got cancer, and it's... I'm not getting treated. It's too advanced and it's already spread. The doctors said I've got about a year left at best."

Kory's eyes widen, her initial frustration replaced by shock and concern. She takes a step closer, the gravity of your words sinking in. "Y/N, why didn't you tell me? How long have you known?" Her voice trembles with a mix of emotions.

You hesitate before responding quietly, your voice barely above a whisper, "Like a month.."

"A month? And you didn't even think to tell me?!" Kory exclaims before falling silent, her gaze shifting between disbelief and sorrow.

"I didn't want whatever time I had left with you to be spent grieving someone who's still alive!" you say, your voice breaking as tears well up in your eyes.

She reaches out to gently hold your hands. "Y/N, I get that you were just trying to spare me the pain, but keeping such a big secret from me hurt me more. We're in this together, no matter what. I want to be here for you," Kory says, her voice filled with sincerity and love.

You try to speak but your words are cut short by the sound of your sobs. Tears stream down your cheeks as Kory pulls you into a tight hug, her arms wrapping around you, allowing you to feel safe and protected as if nothing else matters. She holds you close, and you can feel her heart beating against yours.

You lean your head on her shoulder, your tears staining her shirt. Yet she doesn't seem to mind. She's just glad she can be there for you in some way. In that moment of vulnerability, Kory holds you tighter, the room filling with your quiet sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," Kory whispers, her voice calm and soothing as she continues to embrace you. "I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish you didn't have to go through this."

Your tears eventually come to an end and you look up at Kory, your eyes still red and puffy. "I love you so much, Kory," you say. She responds, a sad smile on her face, "I love you too, Y/N,"

[akumanoken]

So I just want to say that when I talk about drawing for myself, it has nothing to do with being tired of commissions. I don't want people to think that LOL

Let me explain.... I've been so drained lately trying to draw products and create things that will get sales on etsy and kofi... and honestly, it's been stressful because it's not a very high-traffic area, and I put a lot of energy into it without a lot of reciprocation.

Being able to draw things for myself just as pictures of ships remind me that I can just... draw for myself, and I don't have to CONSTANTLY work toward things that will make money.

That being said, I LOVE AND ADORE COMMISSIONS... When I do commissions, it's about more than just getting paid. It's about the trust that people place in me to create art of their character, to make something for them that they see in their mind's eye and want to see realized. I love that process. I love the characters that I get to draw and the new skills that I gain from doing it. It means the world to me, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm shitting on that process.

It's just been a long road... and I need to remind myself that I can draw things while I wait for commissions that don't have to be for the purpose of making money.

This art journey has been full of ups and downs, and I don't talk about too much of it, I realize, I can see why my little asides can be taken the wrong way.

[rabble-dabble]

hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.