#i want to create things but i've been so tired and stressed lately that i just can't get it out

[practically-an-x-man]

wish i could write.

it would be fantastic if i could write.

[put-me-through-the-wall]

Girl Next Door- Pt. 2

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x reader

Word count: 3k

Summary: Simon finally accept your offer for dinner. Did you mention you can cook?

A/N: I was a little slow on this but the idea of them getting close was stressing me out, okay? Also my MIL was in town and I couldn't get in the groove. All the support so far is amazing, thank you guys so much! If y'all like it there will be more to come. Warning: still slow burning

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Part I

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Simon sits across from you at your tiny dining table pressed against the wall of your cramped kitchen. You managed to lure him in with a fairly nice bottle of unopened scotch you found in the back of your cabinet that had potentially fallen into one of your own boxes when moving from your ex's house. 

He looks around your quaint little one bedroom apartment. It was a lot different than his own. The literal layout was the same. No extra rooms or walls but you’d done something different in here. The whole space had a cozy feeling to it. Every surface was decorated with useless gadgets and trinkets that he didn't understand the purpose of. Lots of blankets, pillows, soft things. You had music quietly playing through your TV speakers in the living room. A few lamps fill the dim room creating a subtle yellow glow that hits the high points of your face, softening your tired features.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" you suddenly blurt out.

"S'cuse me?" Simon asks, caught off guard by the question.

"Lately I've been feeling like there's something inside of me that attracts horrible guys. Like, is there a beacon coming out my head that says 'hey, come over here. I'm vulnerable and easy'."

Simon pauses, unsure how to respond. He watches your face closely. You're sad eyes looking to him for an answer he doesn't have. "I think you're...nice," but he has a feeling that's not what you wanted to hear.

"nice?" You let out a humorless laugh. "Maybe that's the problem. Nice must translate to doormat," You sigh and drop your head into your hands. 

Simon takes a sip of his drink. He's growing concerned this is entering too friendly territory. Then you pop your head back up.

"So, how much did you hear?"

"Not much"

"Yeah right," You toss him a coy smile. “Can I tell you what happened?”

“Sure,”

“Alright, so” you take a sip of your own drink and a deep breath before recounting your story. "I met him at work. He was really nice and offered to pick me up a coffee on his way in one day. I haven’t made any friends at work yet so it was nice just to chat over a coffee. Then we started having lunch together. Nothing serious just in the break room but it felt good to hear about something other than notes from my editor. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I mean I moved here to focus on myself not continue dating more crappy guys. So of course he started texting me and he was really sweet. He complimented my outfits and thought all my jokes were hilarious apparently. I really wasn’t trying to get involved with this guy though. He said something about hearing I can cook and of course I said I do. It’s part of my job, duh. He’s giving my shit about it so I invited him over for dinner. I made this creamy potato gnocchi with Italian sausage that I got from that great butcher on the corner. I even hand rolled the gnocchi. I mean, who wouldn't kill for an authentic Italian meal?"

"He's sounds like some guy"

"Not really, I was testing out a new recipe for the column so, two birds one stone. Anyways, he comes up and we have some wine and listen to some music. It was going really well so far. Then I go to bring out a nice charcuterie board for an appetizer while the pasta finishes baking. While I'm bringing it to him I can see he's on his phone, texting someone and literally giggling. I walk up behind him and he is sexting. On my couch!" you throw you hands up incredulously. "Well, I thought he was. He’s looking at a picture of some girl bent over then I realize it’s me. He took a picture of my ass, while I was making him dinner. I couldn't fucking believe it. What kind of a scumbag does that to a woman preparing a fucking meal for him? Now, this is not something I'm proud of so let the record show this is very out of character for me but these were extraordinary circumstances. So, I dropped the fig chutney on his head. Right in his stupid quaffed hair. He jumps up and he's all mad and starts yelling and I'm yelling back. He calls me a crazy bitch then I call him a perv. After that he left." you conclude with a shrug.

"Wow" Simon responds, truly taken aback by the series of events. 

"Yeah, then you know the rest from there. I don't know what came over me. I guess after my last breakup I haven't felt very good about myself and this guy made me feel, I don't know- fun? That feels silly to say. I should’ve known better from a guy that works the celebrity gossip section. I probably looked like a big baby out there, how dramatic. I'm sorry about that, again."

"You don't need to apologize."

"After I moved here I thought things would be different. I thought guys in the city were classier I guess. Turns out all guys are the same. Just take what they want and go. Do you want another drink?" You point to his now empty glass. 

"Sure." You snag his cup and stand. He watches you walk over to the counter in your silky slip dress. The sleek fabric clings to your waist. Flaring around your hips and down your thighs. The warm light reflects on the shiny material, shifting with each step you take. It tightens perfectly about your waist and cinched with a neat little bow in the back. He wonders why you would wear a dress like that for this guy.

"So, do you date?" you question in a seemingly casual tone.

"No" 

"Yeah right," you laugh and look over your shoulder to see his stoney expression and your smile fades. "Oh, sorry, I just- I find that hard to believe."

"Why is that?" He tilts his head and you focus back on filling his glass. 

"It's just, you're a good looking guy. I would think you'd get plenty of female attention," You pivot back around and place the glass before him. You lean on the table with one hand and prop the other on your waist. 

"'M not interested," his gaze stays fixed on the brown liquid, grabbing it and taking another sip. He doesn't miss the way you deflated the slightest bit. 

"Maybe I should take a page out of your book, as in maybe swearing off men completely" The oven timer dings. "Oh! pasta!" You jump over and grab your oven mitts. You drop the oven door and slide out the sizzling dish. An aroma of cheese and basil fills the air. Your stomach audibly growls.

You pull down two plates from your cabinet. You serve up the steaming pasta, sprinkling parmesan and fresh chopped herbs for garnish. You proudly carry over the two dishes and place them carefully on the table. You place your hands on your hips while gazing down at the platter.

"This looks...great." Simon is truly taken aback by the incredible looking dish. 

"Wait, don't eat yet. Let me get a picture." You scamper into your living room, grabbing your phone off the coffee table and scurrying back. You hold your phone high above for a birds eye view. Simon scoots his chair back to avoid the gaze of the lens. The camera clicks with a flash. You examine the photo, seeming satisfied with the quality and finally taking a seat in your own chair. "It was okay if you were in the picture. I don't mind." 

"I do," he says simply. 

To anyone else, Simon comes off as rude or callous but you, you never seem to let his shortness affect you. You take his words and just keep going. You don't mind his lack of conversation. It seems you are totally satisfied with having someone there to listen. He was starting to think he didn't mind listening so much. 

"Oh," You shift uncomfortably in your chair. "Sorry then. Well, let me know what you think. Try to be detailed with your feelings about it if you can. You're my guinea pig and be honest. I don't want to put this out when it's garbage."

He proceeds to take a forkful in his mouth. He cannot control the groan that escapes his throat as the bold flavor hits his tongue. This is far cry from his usual take away food. He can't remember the last time he had a home cooked meal now that he thinks about it. 

"This is quite good." He grumbled between bites. Not caring to finish chewing before he's stabbing at the pasta on the plate once again. 

"Really? You don't need to be nice to spare my feelings. I don't mind criticism."

He shoves more in his mouth. "I’m serious"

"Thank you" You giggle watching him scarf down the still steaming hot meal. 

The two of you finish your respective plates without much more conversation to be had. On your last few bites you meet Simon's eyes as he reclines back in the creaky wooden chair, hands laying across his stomach. His head tips back with a satisfied grumble making a proud smile play across your lips. This may be the first time you've seen him express a true human emotion in your presence. 

"There's more if you want?"

"No, I'm stuffed." 

If you know one thing as a part time chef, food is the way to a man's heart. You knew if Simon tasted what you could make his ice exterior would melt away. You stand up and walk to the fridge. 

"Too stuffed for dessert?" you pull out a glass bowl filled with layers of custard, strawberries, cake, and whipped cream. "I made a traditional English trifle. Y'know for the holidays coming up and who doesn't love custard?" you shrug while carrying the bowl over to the table. You hurry back to the kitchen to grab two saucers and plate up the dessert.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you're trying to butter me up." he comments, intently watching as you carefully slice through the layers. "What do you know about English food?" 

"Not much, which is why this is a special occasion. I can get some insight from a genuine Englishman," you slide the saucer to him. "Everything happens for a reason, I guess you were meant to be here tonight" you don’t realize how weird that comment is until it's already left your mouth. You suppress the feeling and internally cringe. You take a seat with your own plate and try a bite. "Hey, that's not too bad. I think Gordon Ramsey would be proud"

Simon actually chuckles when you compliment yourself making you giggle in return. This whole night is very different than you expected. Not that you were complaining.

Your leg bumps his underneath the narrow table. Your bare foot brushing up the edge of his pant leg for the briefest moment. A deep blush rises to your cheeks the second you realize it's his leg instead of the table's. 

"Oh, sorry!" you quickly draw your legs underneath your chair. Simon pauses his eating and meets your gaze. 

"S'alright," he slowly slides his long leg across the distance and nudges the shin of your tucked legs with the toe of his boot. "You scared?"

"What?" you allow your legs to relax, your calves sitting on either side of his outstretched leg. It felt natural, almost domestic. "You don't scare me." you're lying paired with an anxious laugh.

"No?" As he says this his foot shifts underneath the supports of your chair and yanks it forward causing your chair to skid a few inches across the tile, pressing you further into the table as you let you a surprised yelp. Hands brace against the edge of the table. Simon maintains his calm composure. "Are you sure?" he takes another bite of the fluffy dessert. 

You weren't sure if it was the liquor going to your head or the rush of adrenaline but you felt bold. You rest your cheek on your propped up hand, offering the most innocent eyes you can muster, as you delicately slide your foot along the smooth leather of his boot. Simon swallows and gently places his fork back on the table.

"What do you think of it?" you question in a hushed tone. your foot travels further up his ankle, dipping under his pant leg to feel his hot skin underneath. 

"It's sweet," He states simply but his words roll off his tongue smooth as butter. 

"Not too sweet?" You tilt your head the slightest bit.

"Hm," he hums in contemplation. Your eyes drift down to watch his hands grasp his drink. He grips the glass in his large palm. The rolled sleeves of his long sleeve reveal the muscles in his arm shifting when he raises the glass to his mouth. For the first time you notice a faint raised scar cutting through the outer corner of his lip and stopping just shy of the edge of his nose. He takes a long swig of the brown liquid, not quite finishing the drink. As he pulls back his lips glisten in the warm light. "Not bad when it's paired with a stiff drink," his tongue is quick to swipe across, collecting the residue. 

"I'll be sure to make a note of that." you smile sweetly. "Can I get you another drink?" You look down at the last sip coating the bottom of the glass. You make sure to flutter your lashes when you look back up at him. 

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" A smirk raises the corner of his mouth.

"No," you laugh. "Why, do you want me to?" 

He releases a deep gravelly laugh that makes your stomach stir. Then he glances at his watch and your stomach drops. 

"I need to get going." He mumbles. He pulls his leg away from yours and rises out of his chair. 

"Wait," you rush to stand, almost knocking your seat over in the process. "Can I- uh- get you a bit of pasta to go? There’s plenty left" Trying to think of any excuse to keep him here a moment longer. 

"S'okay, save it. Maybe I'll come by another time." He turns and steps out of your kitchen and into the hallway leading to your front door in only a few wide strides. 

"Are you sure?" You don't intend for your voice to come out as needy as it does. You follow on his heels like a lost puppy.

"I've got an early morning." Before he reaches the door he turns, seemingly surprised by how close you are to him. He looks down at your big round eyes. 

"Okay," you smile trying not to look defeated. "Well, you're welcome over anytime. I mean it, just knock and I'll probably be home. I'm gonna try writing at home more. Try to avoid that guy." You let out a halfhearted chuckle. "Maybe, you should get my number. Y'know, in case you want to check if I'm home."

"I'm alright, I'll just knock" His hand finds the doorknob. "Thanks for dinner, it was nice" Then he turns to go. Closing the door politely behind him. 

You rush to the peephole, watching his distorted figure step out of sight followed by the sound of his own door shutting. You rest your hot forehead against the cool wood grain of your door. 

You step back in the kitchen and begin putting away the leftovers. Piling the pasta into tupperware, rinsing the plates, collecting silverware. His glass remains in place with a sliver of scotch leftover. You hold the glass up in the light and see a faint smudge on its rim. You twist the cup around so your own mouth lines up with the imprint he left. You swallow the last bit slowly, savoring the way the sharp burn eases into a smooth, smoky aftertaste. You never liked scotch, but now you are starting to understand the meaning of an acquired taste.

The low atmospheric music is abruptly interrupted by an ad loudly cutting through the calm space. You rush into the living room to find the remote, hiding among the cushions and various throw pillows. Growing frustrated you end up walking over and manually hitting the power button. The silence that replaces it isn’t much better though. You step back and let your weak legs carry you until you collapse onto the comfort of your couch. The wine followed by the glass of scotch you polished off makes your head feel light but your limbs so heavy. You turn from your back to your side, realizing the used glass is still clutched in your hand. 

You reach across the gap and set it down on the coffee table with a thud. Your hand retreats back to rest under your head. You stare at it, taking in all the imperfections left on its reflective surface. Your eyes trace the rim once again looking for the smudge. On the corner you see the shadow of an impression peeking out underneath the red lipstick mark you have smeared over it. 

𝜗𝜚

Across the wall Simon falls back on his own couch. He looks around his dull apartment wondering what you have done differently to make your place look so welcoming. He never minded the minimal decorations he had. A photo frame with his team that his buddy gifted him and a couple of books always seemed like enough. After comparison though it just feels empty. 

He can hear you stomp across your floor. Footstep rushing from the kitchen until you're straight ahead. The sound of your TV turning off bathes the room in sudden silence. Only thing he can hear now is the rushing of his air conditioning unit. He considered your music annoying but now he couldn’t deny the way it added an unconscious energy to the small unit. Now sitting here, the cool tone of the overhead kitchen light illuminating into the living room he feels as though something is missing. Maybe a nice lamp would help. 

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[qtboni]

╰﹒ 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐒 !

PAIRING: Ooc!Simon 'Ghost' Riley X Reader

OVERVIEW: He lashes out on you + very dismissive over your efforts for him :((

C/W: Angst, no comfort (see p2 for comfort!), mentions of toxic behavior (bcz words), offensive languages, depictions of mental health struggles (anxiety, but js tiny amount). [ fanart credits : ave661 on tumblr ]

W/C: 1.1k bubs

Simon had been going through a lot lately, and you could tell it was taking a toll on him. He had been working overtime at work, and you could see the exhaustion in his eyes every time he came home.

You want to do something special for him, something to lift his spirits up.

The air was charged with anticipation as Simon stepped through the door, making you want to burst out of happiness.

You had been eagerly awaiting his arrival, eager to show him what you'd been working on all day. You had been so excited to do something special for him, and you had gone the extra mile to make this night perfect!

The air, still thick with tension, Simon walked through the hallway. He'd had a long, hard day at work, and the last thing he wanted was to deal with anything else.

Price had been nagging him more than usual on the mission. Simon was tired and just wanted to rest, but Price's constant barrage of questions and commands was starting to get on his nerves.

He tried his best to keep his cool, but he couldn't help feeling a little bit frustrated. Despite his best efforts, he managed to keep his emotions in check and focus on the task at hand.

After the mission was over, Simon was relieved to finally have a moment to himself. He just wanted to rest and have a good night, but there you were, being a nuisance to him.

You could see the weariness in his eyes, as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He shrugged off your attempts to engage him, not wanting to deal with the small talk.

As Simon dropped his collection of his military wears in the near cabinet, you approached him, your heart still pounding with excitement.

"Simon," you said, your voice trembling and a cheeky smile forming on your lips. "I've been working on a special surprise for you all day. I made your favorite snacks, decorated the living room, and even picked out a movie I know you'll love! I just wanted to make tonight special."

Simon looked up at you, his expression unreadable. "What?" he asked, his tone sharp and exhaustion palpable in his voice.

Despite his attitude, you pushed forward, eager to show him the cozy living room setup you'd created.

"Ta da!" you exclaimed, gesturing to the cozy space. "I wanted to make our movie night extra special tonight, so I went all out."

You'd decorated it with fairy lights, set out the popcorn and drinks, and made sure the couch was nice and toasty with a mountain of blankets.

"I just wanted to do something special for you," you added, your voice light and upbeat.

Simon's expression fell. He looked at the setup as if it were an annoyance, and you felt your feelings going down the drain.

You tried to hide your disappointment though and put on a cheerful smile, but it was hard to hide the hurt in your eyes. "What's wrong?" you asked hesitantly.

Simon shook his head, and for the first time, you saw the signs of his stress and turmoil. His lips were thin, his brow furrowed, and you could tell that he was struggling just to keep it all together.

"I can't take on one more thing right now," he said, his voice rising with frustration. "I'm exhausted. I can't deal with this right now."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you realized the full extent of your mistake.

"I..."

Your heart sank.

You couldn't believe you hadn't realized how tired he looked, how haggard and stressed. You had been so caught up in your excitement that you had missed the signs, the signals that he couldn't take on any more.

You had been so eager to do something nice for him, and in doing so, you had only added to his burden.

A tense silence fell over the room, and you could feel the tension rising between you. You wanted to comfort him, to make things right, but you didn't know how.

"I'm sorry," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. "I just wanted to do something nice for you."

As you stood there in silence, your heart racing and tears swimming in your eyes, he finally spoke.

"Well, don't," he snapped, his irritation evident in his tone. "I can take care of myself. And I didn't ask for any of these."

You watch as he points to the decorated living room. Your efforts. Your hopes of having a good night of movies with him.

You felt the tears spill over and course down your cheeks.

"I didn't mean to make things worse for you," you said, your voice trembling. "I just wanted to do something nice for you, to lift your spirits. I didn't realize..."

Simon sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"I appreciate the effort, really I do. It's just..." He trailed off, searching for the right words. "Can you just stop being a bother? I can't take on anything else right now. I'm already stretched so thin, and I can't..."

You felt your chest tighten at his words.

You had always known that Simon was a hard worker, but you had never truly appreciated the toll it took on him. You had always been there to support him, to lift him up when he was feeling low, and you had always assumed that he would do the same for you.

At that moment, you realized that you had been asking too much of him. You could see the exhaustion in his eyes and the slump of his shoulders.

The realization hit you like a punch to the gut.

Your voice barely above a whisper, you managed to say, "I... I understand. I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

You could feel the hurt in your chest, like a physical pain that made it hard to breathe.

“Stop being a bother.”

The tears were already falling down your face, and your heart ached with the weight of your mistakes. It was just a reminder of how much you loved him and how desperately you wanted to be with him.

Simon didn't utter another word, just nodded his head, but his silence spoke volumes. An oppressive and heavy sense of unease permeated the air, leaving no doubt that there was nothing else to be said.

You stood there, feeling numb and defeated as you watched him leave to the bedroom.

You had learned a difficult lesson that night, and one that you would never forget. The road to happiness was not always smooth, and sometimes, even the people we love the most can hurt us without meaning to.

Tears filled your eyes over and over again as you realized how much your effort was taken for granted.

In that moment, you didn't understand why he was being so cruel to you, especially when you had put so much thought into making him happy.

All you wanted was to see Simon smile.

A/N: okay.. well.. he was an ass.. HELP simon pookie why would u do this to us? :(( we even made you popcorns and and even bought you your favorite drinks :(( we had to even ask ur best bud soap what kind of movies you like :(( we did so much for you :(( but it's okay ig. . . as long as you can have your rest. . . and well. . . goodnight :((

lmk if you guys need a part 2 cuz i be crying in my sleep

EDIT! part 2 is posted !!

[bradshawssugarbaby]

Do I? - Beau Simpson x Reader

a/n: I've been wanting to write for Beau for a while (I love Jon Hamm and this is a hill I am willing to die on), so here's my first one for him. Inspired loosely by Do I? by Luke Bryan.

pairing: Beau Simpson x reader

warnings/content: angst to fluff, mentions of divorce if you squint, Beau being kinda soft, allusions to smut, allusions to child ab*se, Beau doesn't always know how to show his emotions but damn it he tries his best.

word count: 1.9k

taglist: @nouis-bum, @jessicab1991, @b-bradshaw, @ahopelessromanticwritersworld

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you, baby? Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy? Do I have your love? Am I still enough? Tell me don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby Give you everything that you ever wanted? Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely? Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Tell me, baby do I get one more try?

Beau grumbled as he walked through the door, his keys dropping into the catch-all dish on the table with a clatter. His brows knit together as he looked around the room, searching for any sign of you being home. His tired blue-green eyes blinked as he raked a hand over his face, trying to wake himself up as he searched the house for you. Calling your name to no response, he furrowed his brow as he pulled his phone from his pocket. He frowned as he saw there were zero missed calls and zero missed messages from you, a sign that you were truly mad at him this time. 

He let out an exhausted sigh as he slumped into the armchair in the living room, picking up a discarded baseball your son had forgotten to put away and rolling it in his hands, over his fingers and back as his mind ran over the events that unfolded that morning.

He hadn’t meant to be cold towards you or Dylan. He’d been stressed and overworked, struggling with an upcoming mission that he had to plan out, trying to ensure the right team was put together for the job. Combing through dozens of personnel files until his eyes were sore, staying up all hours of the night trying to create an action plan, briefing notes - he rarely left base anymore. He knew you’d felt neglected, and God, he hated making you feel that way. He hated that you felt unwanted, unloved, and yet, you did everything you could to still make life easier for him. He knew he didn’t deserve that. In fact, he knew he didn’t deserve you–your patience, your understanding, your love and affection. He didn’t deserve to be Dylan’s father either, not that he’d been a particularly good one anyway. 

Dylan had a baseball tournament coming up, and you’d asked Beau if he’d be able to make it. Dylan’s team had never been invited to play before, but they’d managed to make it to a statewide tournament, teams from all over California would be there with their children, ages 8-10. The Coronado Crowns were having a record season, and Dylan had begun to emerge as their star pitcher. When you’d asked him about it, he’d had a dozen other things on his mind - he couldn’t even remember you mentioning it in the first place, if he was honest. He figured he’d hummed along in response, not hearing what you’d said, but not wanting to give off the impression he wasn’t listening. 

Unaware of what he’d agreed to, Beau bounded down the stairs this morning, his footsteps heavy as he headed to the kitchen. He was running late, and barely had time to have coffee with you, but he was determined to at least kiss you good morning before heading out the door. You’d frowned at him when you saw him in uniform, and immediately, his mind began to race, running through a list of scenarios that could have upset you. He wasn’t the most romantic husband - he knew that, but he was sure he’d never forgotten an anniversary or a birthday. It wasn’t until Dylan came down in his baseball uniform, his duffel bag packed for the four-day tournament slung over his shoulder. His face fell as he looked at Beau, an instant wave of guilt washing over Beau’s face.

“I’m sorry, I forgot, buddy, listen, I really have to get this done at work, I have a briefing scheduled for today, I can’t miss it,” Beau had explained, trying to reason with his 9 year old son. 

“I get it, Dad, it’s ok,” Dylan shrugged before sitting down at the breakfast nook for some scrambled eggs. 

“We’re leaving at 10, get to Oakland for about 8 tonight,” you explained, nodding your head as you forced a smile in Dylan’s direction.

Beau let out a frustrated sigh, of course you weren’t home now - you left four hours ago. You were halfway to Oakland by this point. He leaned his head back against the chair, shutting his eyes for a moment as he dragged his hand over his face once more. He knew he’d fucked up. He knew he’d let you both down. He checked his phone again. If he left now, he could probably make it to you and Dylan by 11 if he made minimal stops on his way. He could make this right, he could show up tonight, surprise you - surprise Dylan in the morning when he woke up, spend the weekend being the father and husband he’d failed to be for the last month or so. 

Beau bolted up the stairs, quickly changing out of his uniform and into more relaxed, civilian clothes. He grabbed a bag from the closet and began to shove some clean clothes inside, showing little care about keeping them neat or organized. He headed to the bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and his razor, tossing them all into the bag in a hurry. Bounding back down the staircase, he stepped into his running shoes and flew out the door with his keys and bag in hand. A well-loved baseball cap from his college days sat in the front seat - a relic he’d meant to bestow to Dylan but forgotten about. He placed the cap on his head, sporting it backwards, just as he would have done 30+ years ago when he got it. 

As he drove down the interstate, he thought about the ways he could apologize to you. His mind ran through all the things you liked, the romantic gestures he’d heard you mention, the different romcom tropes you loved - anything he could think of that could make up for what he’d lacked in as a husband. When he stopped for dinner, pulling into a fast-food restaurant just off the highway, he contemplated what he’d say when you asked him if he was insane, knowing that was exactly how you’d respond to hearing that he drove down after all, determined not to miss a minute of Dylan’s tournament. He thought about how he’d pull you in close, giving you an emblazoned, passionate kiss as he held you in his arms, giving a rare, dramatic, public display of affection. He yawned as he pulled into the parking lot of the hotel you were staying at with Dylan, finding an open spot next to your car. He got out, smiling fondly as he spotted the bedazzled steering wheel cover that he always teased you about - the one he’d begrudgingly bought for your birthday when you’d asked for it, pretending to find it ridiculous when really, he was admiring you for it, for being so unashamedly yourself. It was a quality he was jealous of in you - he’d been brought up in an old-school military family, taught to be seen and not heard, to blend in with everyone else and to remain reserved the majority of the time. He rarely cracked a smile outside of the house, and really, even wearing a baseball cap outside of a Padres game was unlike him. 

He approached the front desk with a look of pure determination on his face, his bag clutched in his hand. Once he made it to your room, he rapped on the door with a gentle knock, trying not to make too much noise in the hopes he didn’t wake Dylan. You opened the door, looking ready to chew out whoever it was knocking for waking you, but your look of anger quickly dissipated as you wrapped your arms around Beau tightly. 

“You flew down here?!” You whispered excitedly, arms draped around his neck.

“No, flights were booked,” Beau shook his head with a chuckle, a soft smile forming on his lips, “I drove.”

“You…you drove?”

“Mhmm, all nine hours. I’m surprised I made it before midnight, I finished my briefing early, managed to get the plans set for the mission, and then got home and realized I had time to fix things with you and Dylan.”

“He’ll be so excited. He was devastated at the thought of you not making it to see him play.”

“Look, I have to talk to you, ok?” He began, shaking his head as he let out an awkward chuckle, frowning as he tried to collect his thoughts.

“I’ve been the worst husband to you. I know I have. I know I’ve made you feel unloved, and unwanted, and unimportant, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I’ve never wanted our marriage to be strained over my work, and I know my job is demanding and it’s difficult some days for me to put you and Dylan first - but believe me, I love you two more than anything. You know that, right? And, I know you probably aren’t happy with me - I don’t blame you. I know you probably wanted to divorce me ten minutes ago, and you’re complete right in thinking that - I would have deserved it.”

You pressed your lips to his gently, interrupting his rambling with a soft, tender kiss. He pulled away gently, reaching up to take the baseball cap off of his head before ducking down to kiss you again. He pulled away after a moment, breathless and blissful as he gazed at you.

“So, am I still enough for you? Do you want me to leave or do I get another chance?”

“You’ve always been enough, Beau,” you shook your head, beaming up at him, “Even when you forget commitments and you get caught up with work, or when you don’t always say the right thing, you always make up for it and try to fix things, and that’s one of the things I love about you. You drove nine hours when you realized you couldn’t catch a flight down here because you realized how much it meant to Dylan and I for you to be here. I don’t know many other men who’d drop everything on a dime to do that.”

“I guess that’s true,” he nodded, shaking his head in disbelief before leaning in to kiss your cheek. “I mean it though, I really think you could have done better than a middle-aged Admiral who can’t show his emotions very well and doesn’t know how to prioritze anything correctly.”

“You’re right, I could have, but where’s the fun in that?” You teased, taking the baseball cap from his hand and placing it back on his head, backwards.

“By the way, Beau, you should wear a hat like this more often.” 

“Yeah? You think so?”

You bit your lip seductively, holding back a wicked grin as you looked up at him, nodding your head, “Kinda makes me wanna show you just how much I love you.”

“Dylan’s asleep in here,” he laughed, shaking his head as his cheeks flushed.

“Dylan is sleeping in Ryder’s room, three doors away, actually.”

Beau’s eyes widened slightly, his hands drifting down to your hips. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at you, turning his head to the side to scan the room, seeing that, you were in fact, alone. When he turned, you caught a glimpse of the salt and pepper streaks that ran through his hair on the side of his head, the sight alone almost enough to make you melt. 

“Well, in that case, let me show you just how sorry I am.” 

[kidsinsaturn]

OMG HIII! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS BLOG. YOU'RE LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVOURITE CREATORS HERE.

I hope that your life has been well so far and sorry for my little outburst of joy.

I'm really looking forward to your new posts but please don't stress yourself about it.

Have a lovely day

boyfriend obito headcanons

[🗼] just because I've been feeling a bit silly about this little guy, and I know I already have hcs of him but,,, it's not enough

and YESS I may have been off for a year but i'll always have that annual Naruto brainrot that lasts like six months lool but thank you lots anon love yaaa

character: obito uchiha

genre: sfw; fluff; nsfw

warnings: gn!reader; established relationship; silly obito; everyone happy au bc uwu; mention of insecurities; slight size kink

..

..

..

-god, obito has been in my mind lately, and how could he not? he is sooo boyfriend material, he created the basic rules for a relationship to work, he is basically the creator of love

-he is just so silly at the beginning of your relationship!! like!! as if kakashi wasn't the reason you two got together because obito couldn't just go and confess to you!! are you nuts?? he'd lose it

-speaking of which, his confession was probably so messed up, but!! he didn't want to, wouldn't allow you to confess because he has that idea that it should be him who brings the relationship to a start

-"may I have the honor of being your boyfriend?" type of guy

-he literally asks everyone for advice and that's probably how you ended up knowing his feelings. obito told everyone and his friends just passed the word until it landed on you

-regardless of that messy start--obito will remember it and feel bad about it until the day he dies--, obito is a great boyfriend, like I said, he is a bit silly and the thing is, he may have idealized relationships too much

-obito may have watched all those stupid cliche movies in secret and thought that's how relationships are supposed to work!!

-would get into a fight for you, write you love letters, plan a secret date. any situation that appears on the kissing booth movies he is so willing to recreate them lol

-obito believes there is no such thing as the "3-month honeymoon phase" LIKE all the time, all the months, all the SECONDS he is with you should be honeymoon phase. only to be reinforced once you two get married

-of course it is beautiful and everything he does makes your stomach flutter with joy-- he is a gentleman ALWAYS, he holds the door for you, steps in first if it's a new place, and goes behind you everywhere

-and ok this is a bit angsty im sorry but this silly dude right here is very insecure okay:( I gotta be real here

-he didn't have a lot of recognition when he was a little boy and that may have messed him up a little. he will always feel like he is not enough for you, and that may cause some arguments sometimes

-he just says that you are too much for him and that he doesn't provide you that much and you're just like obito please go to sleep it's 4am

-and that's the tiring part probably: that he has these random bursts of self-consciousness at the most random times. you two are just eating and talking about some things your friends did, and oh obito just got this tight tug at his chest the second he thinks too much about your or his male friends. or even if he just saved you in a mission or whatever and it takes him like three business days to realize that he could have done a better job at rescuing you

-just be thoughtful with him ok because he seems the kind of guy that goes to sleep thinking about everything you said, nice or rude. overthinking king

-aside from his little insecurities heheh obito is giving you princess treatment like always and duhh if he doesn't do it, he beats himself up. obito has some "traditional ideas" about boyfriend and girlfriend, such as the woman should always receive flowers, never go alone in the street, and always have something of him with her (like a picture hahah silly boy)

-if you're into something like a sport or ballet or just something that's similar to a performance, he will be there at EVERY show or game, he will not miss any of them, and the day he is not there, that's probably because he is dead

-he is there holding the largest and most obvious poster with your face on the middle and the most Tumblr phrase he could think of. he blocks the view from the people in the back but he does NOT care

-if you are into something more private, obito will always be so happy providing your with materials and just his sweet time watching you as the most marvelous creature the gods ever created

-he always has the best intentions for everything. if something goes the wrong way, he is so devastated. say that you have too much work/paperwork/homework lately and he just wants to relieve some stress off your shoulders!! poor baby just made things worse: everything is on the wrong place and just his help wasn't helpful. obito feels stupid and dumb. he ends up cooking you something

-obito has all the love language because mmm his partner should feel loved in all the possible ways. just give him quality time and that's enough for him

-but overall, great boyfriend, he is your number one fan, admires absolutely everything you do and when you're not looking, little hearts form in his eyes when he looks at you, he is just so smitten he might as well just ask you to marry him after three weeks of dating

nsfw ->

-man gets hard just by hugging you

-please do not make fun of his condition okay:( he was just sexually restrained as a teen, and just overall shy about anything that had to do with sexy times

-my own hot take but obito probably stayed virgin by choice. like he was desperately waiting for the one to lose his v-card with because otherwise he feels like he is betraying his true love

-and ohhhh obito has NO idea of the beautiful, marvelous, oozing body he possesses. he is big, strong, tall, thick, and just mmmmm

-the first time you mention somehitng about his physique, he gets all flustered!! if you were in the middle of the act, he would need two minutes to calm down or he will cum by just hearing sweet words

-beautiful dick OBVS, he doesn't know how to use it, lets be reals. if you are his first time, he is so messy. his movements are so asymmetrical and have zero rhythm. after a few times, he learns

-I can only dream about obito's cock PLEASE. large, thick, curved just the right way to make you squirm. just BIG. his dick just springs up every time he takes his pants off and it hits his abdomen in the most sensual way posible. cock possible as large as your head whaaat

-his pre-cum is so bitter!! the first time you tasted it, you made a face. his cum is even sourer. obito feels a bit bad but he understands and doesn't say anything

-you are literally what matters during those sexy moments. he does not allow himself to feel any pleasure before you. it takes you a lot (just kneeling) to give him a head

-please all your sounds should be moans, or whimpers, or small screams of satisfaction, because if he SEES, or hears, or just senses that he may have hurt you, he stops completely and doesn't touch you until you convince him you are fine

-king of aftercare

[khaire-traveler]

Since it keeps coming up, I want to state that I do have my asks turned off currently. My inbox was getting flooded with lots of people all of a sudden, especially requests for Subtle Worship posts, and it was beginning to overwhelm me. I have a lot going on in my offline life right now, so I'm also trying to focus on that which is also why I haven't been posting much. I just (literally one week ago) moved across the US, so I've been pretty consumed by the stress of that.

To make it clear, I'm not deactivating my account or going on a hiatus or something. I'm just not going to post as much or answer any asks. I'm just stressed, overwhelmed, and burnt out. Exhausted or anxious have become my natural states of being lately, and Tumblr hasn't exactly been making that better for me. I'll be alright; I'm just tired.

I do plan to continue the Subtle Worship series, but I'm taking a break from those posts for the time being because it takes a lot of time, energy, and effort to make them. It can be quite an exhausting process over time, especially since, admittedly, it's not super rewarding, if I'm being honest. While I make those posts to spread information, I also am often taking requests and creating posts for deities I have no experience with. Although it's great to get the word out about lesser known deities and that is a good feeling, I'm not getting paid or compensated in any way for these requests. I'm giving it my all, trying my best to come up with helpful suggestions on simple worship of deities I have never interacted with, and it takes a lot out of me. Oftentimes, I am attempting to connect with the deity's energy in order to come up with ideas which is extremely tiring when repeating that process over and over again. I enjoy making these posts, but it has stopped being fun for me and has started feeling like an obligation or expectation. So I'm taking a break for now.

I love running this blog, but it's beginning to feel like more work than anything else. I keep doing things for people, going out of my way to attempt to answer questions and creating posts upon request, and yet, it never feels like enough. There's always more for me to do, more questions to answer, more posts to create. This is meant to be an experience that I enjoy, but I'm not enjoying this anymore. It feels like a job that I don't get paid for. I love helping people, don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when it starts to be too much. Some questions are also answered by things in my pinned post, and although I enjoy helping people, as I said, it does get tiring having to redirect them to posts they can find themselves if they look at the links I've provided past the "read more". I will say that I wish people utilized my pinned post more.

So thank you, everyone, for your support and concern. I just want to rest for now. I want to enjoy myself. I want to post things that I like posting and researching things I want to actively learn about. I'm happy to help, but the person who most needs my help right now is myself, so I'm gonna focus on them. Please take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡

[scarfacemarston]

Hey! I saw your post asking for Bucky requests so I have one:

I was thinking maybe a Bucky x Gender Neutral Reader where he asks his partner to shave his face and trim his hair for him? Nothing smutty or anything, just some nice fluff of Bucky being taken care of and treated gently by the person he loves 💜 thank you in advanced!!!!

Sorry this is so late, but I FINALLY did it. There is a reference to make up in the post, but I firmly believe that's a gender neutral thing.

You shut the door to the apartment, placing the keys in the key basket.

"Darling? I'm home. Are you here?" You called.

"Yeah, in here," Bucky called back. You took off your jacket, threw it on the couch, and followed his voice. There, you saw Bucky, his hands on the counter, gazing at himself in the mirror, looking contemplative.

Usually, you allowed Bucky to speak on his own time, but sometimes, you gently encouraged him to communicate his feelings.

"Penny for your thoughts?" You asked, slipping an arm around his waist, your head resting on his back.

Bucky let out the quietest of chuckles.

"Don't have any of those. Thoughts or pennies." He muttered. The air was thick with apprehension.

"Fine. I think it's time for a change. I'm tired of seeing him in the mirror. It's a constant reminder of those days and I'm tired of it. I know everyone wants me to move on. It's easier on them than having this…half human cyborg old man people think is on the verge of snapping."

You squeezed him tight.

"You're not  a half-human cyborg. Yes, you're old, but you're still human. And one of the strongest men I know." You sushed him.

Bucky grunted in response before turning to face you.

"I think it's time I cleaned up a bit. I won't ever be the old me. That man doesn't exist. He died in '45. That's who people want me to be, but it's not going to happen. I don't want to look exactly like tht. It feels like I'm being mocked. Maybe….something similar with a modern twist. I don't know. I used to know what suited me. I don't anymore." He sighed.

"Maybe I can help? I've cut my hair a few times and I know how to shave if you want that as well."

Bucky raised an eyebrow.

'You'd do that for me? Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't, handsome. This is only if you want it, though. Don't do it for me, or for Steve or to make others feel a certain way."

"Right, I know. That's what I was saying…But I think I'm ready." Bucky confirmed, giving your hand a squeeze. You nodded as the both of you gathered the supplies needed in the bathroom.

You pulled a dining room chair in, set a washbasin to create a makeshift workstation, and grabbed hair supplies. Bucky gathered towels and shaving supplies before pulling out a small grooming kit. He smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, I bought it myself. I've been trying to psyche myself up for a while, but I just haven't been able to do it." he shrugged.

"Stop worrying and come sit down. Relax. Everything will be okay. You're in control, Bucky. It's 100% you. If you only want a few centimeters off or even decide to change your mind, you can do that. This is your choice." You stressed.

"I know. Thank you." he muttered quietly as he sat down.

"So, shaving first or hair?" you asked as Bucky took a seat, resting his head back.

"Hm, I'm thinking a shave," he answered

"A trim?" you asked

"No, a full shave." he clarified.

You paused.

"Are you sure?" you asked.

"Yes. Absolutely. It will grow back in a few days if I hate it." he confirmed/

You nodded.

"Of course. That should actually make things a little easier.. I'm a raid I don't have those long razors that open up on a hinge."

"Well, no. I wouldn't expect you to," he laughed.

"This isn't 1850 either. But, hey, even if you did, I'd trust you with a knife against my throat anyway!" He said with a lopsided grin.

"True. Now, let me pamper you." You said playfully, patting his cheek. You turned on the warm water, wetting his face before placing shaving gel on his lower face and jaw and gently rubbing the product in as it sudded up. You smiled at Bucky as you leaned over and pecked his forehead.

"You ready, big guy?" You murmured.

"Baby, we're doing a haircut and a shave, not about to jump out of a window in a burning building," Bucky said, rolling his eyes.

You held up your hands in defense.

"Alright, alright, just making sure!" you said as you gently began to shave, going methodically slow, careful not to nick Bucky. It was far easier than you thought it would be. It was no different than shaving in most other places…well, except for a nick, it could be more serious here, but who's asking?

The actual shaving took little time. You admired your handy work. The shave took years off of Bucky's appearance. You grinned as you rinsed Bucky's chin and neck. 

"Looking good, handsome! Not that you didn't look handsome before," You amended.

"Now, your hair. I'll wash it first but for the cutting? That shouldn't take too long, but I want to be careful, " you said.

You started to hum absent-mindedly as you set to work. Bucky closed his eyes in bliss as you shampooed his hair, massaging the soap into it. Bucky grinned, sighing happily.

"You have magic fingers," he murmured with a happy groan. You spent extra time massaging his head, knowing that Bucky had frequent headaches. However, cutting his hair took longer than you expected, but Bucky was still. You checked on Bucky every few minutes before hearing Bucky sigh in annoyance.

"I'm fine! Just keep working!" Bucky finally chastised.

You smiled to yourself,

"Just checking, darling. I'll stop," you replied, quietly returning once more. Soon, you stopped, proud of your work. You withheld a gasp as you reached for the hair dryer. Bucky was always beautiful to you, regardless of his appearance, but this haircut was a different sort of beauty. You had studied the fashion, hair, and makeup of the 40s once you started to date him to plan a potential date night with materials from the era. That, and you had seen a few photos of Bucky's time before and during the war.

While he did not look identical to his time in the 1940s, there was still an element of the 1940s with a touch of modernity. Truth be told, you were quite proud of yourself. You couldn't wait to see how Bucky styled it.

Bucky's eyes widened as he saw your smile.

"Alirght, let me see, let me see, " he said, sitting up. He stared at his reflection, his expression blank, before he narrowed his eyes, the silence filling the room. You swallowed your anxiety.

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair before flitting his eyes to yours.

"It……..looks good." He finally answered. That didn't seem optimistic.

"I messed up, didn't I?" You said, trying to keep the defeat out of your voice.

"No. You didn't." He answered sharply before softening his features.

"It's just different, is all. I haven't seen me look like this since the early 90s when I was expected to complete an assassination  undercover." he explained.

You couldn't bring yourself to say anything except 'Oh.'

"But it still looks like my former self. It was risky for Hydra to do really, considering this is bringing back memories. Turns out, Hydra couldn't shut everything out."

"I'm sorry." You began.

"I promise you, I'm fine. I won't break. I told you that earlier, didn't I? No. I'm just surprised is all because I do see bits of who I was before, but it's still different enough that I'm not identical." Bucky explained. Bucky sighed before taking your chin into his hands.

"Don't worry about me. You did a wonderful job." He murmured as he kissed you gently.

"Besides, I saw your expression when you finished. Clearly you liked it, which makes it all worth it…and no, you're not making me be someone I don't want to be. You accept me as I am and that's the difference." He enunciated.

He got up, brushing the hair off of him.

"Uh, I'll get a broom. I insist." He offered. He grinned at you, making you lose your breath.

"Let's get dinner out. You can show me off." he winked.

"Sounds like a plan." You said, returning his grin.

[simplepotatofarmer]

Blog Update:

Hi, it's me, Loyal.

I just want to say first and foremost, I really do love (parts of) the fandom and I'm not going anywhere.

I will, however, not be around as much. One, I'm about to enter an all day intensive treatment plan so I'll literally just be on in the evening. Two, as much as I'm going to keep writing and creating, I have no intention of interacting publicly with fandom as much as I have.

I can't. It's actually fucking insane that it's gotten to this point. I made tribute post and because I used lyrics from Dream's song, I got harassed. The people doing this, acting like this, thinking this way are insane.

So in case it's not clear: Based on my personal lived experience and some information that's come to light, I still enjoy Dream's content. You can approach me personally, off anon, if you want to know my reasoning. If you dislike me for this, that's fine. But I'm done trying to walk this fine line just so I don't get people threatening me, my kids, and my pets. Just so people stop sending me the city I live in, so they stop digging up twelve year old tweets, so they stop calling me slurs and suicide baiting me.

That's absolutely insane. It's horrible. It's disgusting and I was honestly just sitting here, taking it, because I'm terrified of upsetting people and losing friends if I say 'yeah, I'm excited for a new manhunt and I also this song helped me and my kids process my grief'. And the worst part is, it's not an unfounded fear. People have done the most vile shit to me. People I thought were friends jumped on me instead of those harassing me.

I just want to post about Techno and c!Rivals duo and not worry about whether or not this post is going to get me hate. I don't want to worry about how random discord servers are talking about me.

Because that's fucking batshit. Not the worrying, but what these people are doing and I'm tired of letting this effect me. I have enough going on in my personal life. My partner of 15 years almost died. We almost lost our house. I should be able to come online and post about the silly minecraft guys I like and their RP and lore without censoring myself out of fear of literally being doxxed and cyber stalked. I should be able to talk about the racism that effects me without being afraid people will make it about cc drama or calling me slurs or erasing my identity as an Ojibwe person.

The people doing this are the problem. It hurts that so many people are part of this, it really does. But I can't keep letting it get to me. I've always done my best to be kind. I haven't been perfect, especially not lately, because all this hate and stress has gotten to me. I've lashed out. I shouldn't have.

And I shouldn't have had to deal with all that shit in the first place. I hope no one else does. It's terrifying and draining and I'm done.

So I intend to post the things I enjoy, I intend to reblog my friends' art, write the Emerald duo and Rivals duo fics I want to. I want to post about the Syndicate and the new manhunt when it comes out. That's what I'm going to do.

Asks are staying off for the moment because people are too happy to make burner blogs but I'll probably turn them back on at some point as I love answering lore and headcanon questions and, again, it's fucked up I can't enjoy an aspect of the site and fandom because people can't just leave me alone.

To those people: Get help. You're harassing someone because you think they deserve it and that's the most fucked up thing.

To everyone else: So so many of you have been amazing. You've been supportive, you've been kind. That kindness and support speaks volumes and I love you all. I genuinely love you. Dreblr, you've been here for me for over a year at this point and I cannot thank you enough. You are the best part of fandom as far as I'm concerned. And to Dtblr, y'all have come to support me countless times and that means the world to me, it really does. As for all my fellow Rivals duo fans, you people are worth your weight in gold for the joy you bring. A special shout-out to @vpofcookies because you've been here since the beginning, practically, and I love you. There's more but you know who you are.

Anyway, I've been carrying this for awhile and I'm tired. I'm no longer going to give any amount of thought to the people determined to drag me down and harass me constantly.

My best advice is stop focusing on the things and people you hate and instead focus on what you love. That's what I plan to do, from here on out.

[maho-s-blog]

I had some free time and I've been wanting to try to create a design based on Rilian for a very long time but there was always no time or energy. So I found a blank sheet, drew a sketch, I took a photo and painted it in an Ibis.

The drawing is dirty, but lately I've been really tired and And I don't have much time to refine and clean it :( sorry

Maybe later I redraw it better

At first, I wanted to do art like she as Genshin char but I dont play in Genshin now (Maybe temporarily, maybe I won't play anymore, I don't know ) The influence of genshin and other gacha games remained, originally the red accents were hints at the pyro Vision or thing like this.

🎵About design: I consider Rilian to be a lover of puffy dresses, but I think that if she had to wear something more practical, she would still be a lover of bows and ruffles. Even in breeches, she would strive for look more ✨luxurious✨ than ever 💫

🎵About draw in her hand: The picture with the nun is the worst part, I don't know how to make it better, maybe later, when there is less backlog at work, I can find a solution to all the shortcomings of the sketch. But not now.

[Despite this I am relatively satisfied, I spent time drawing and now I am relaxed and stress is mercier than before! That's nice]

I'm also attaching Blink below, I was thinking and playing song in my mind while I was drawing, so few people know about this song, although it's beautiful and reveals Rilian even better for me

[estranhossonhos]

INHERITED TRAUMAS

One of the main issues I've been having lately is processing sensory issues.

Since I got my official diagnosis (ADHD) - a year ago - I've been relearning how to process this (and all other symptoms). And even though it's been tough (REALLY TOUGH), it has also been rewarding, because I'm finally starting to understand my past and present self better, and consequently I am starting to understand my (undiagnosed but sick) parents as well and forgiving them.

Once upon a time...

I recently had a 💡 moment, and noticed that 60% of the time, back when I was a teenager, if I was hyper reacting, screaming/crying, wanting to be isolated (but I couldn't because it was considered rude), always tired, couldn't understand what was happening to my mind/body, and why nobody understood how I felt (which made everything worse), it was ALL DUE TO MY UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - specially my sensory issues.

While I am typing this, guess where I am currently spending some days at...?

I get flashbacks of those moments, every time I visit my parents' house.

TV is always on and loud, and because of it, they are always screaming (instead of turning the volume down and/or go to the person they want to talk to).

I would always feel stuck (and stressed) during every mealtime because "dinner time is the only time we are all together" (while having bright white fluorescent lights on us, tv is still loud, all the screaming and yelling, and dealing with my parents inflexibility to accommodate my continuous requests to turn the volume down or to even turn it off, since it was "family time"!).

I swear, my parents love me and I love them. I'm just describing part of my older sibling curse - the one that is always trying to break generational traumas a.k.a mental health issues that were passed down and never taken seriously.

Even though my parents came to my help and sincerely asked what they could do for me, they essentially continued the same, because their inherited trauma was "don't cry, be tough" and inability to communicate, like adults.

And when I would snap at them and ask why even bother asking if they do not listen to me, they would just shrug and say "because we are the adults and you are a kid" (and yes, they still say the same thing to theirs - now - 30+ years "kid").

Therefore, during the 18 years I lived with them, I was raised in a stressful environment, which made me hate EVERY "family time" (even road trips, because guess what - there's no tv but there's RADIO!), and created a constantly anxious human being, because every night we would have dinner together, under the exact same conditions.

And now you ask:

"How did you survive all of that?" - well I was misdiagnosed and being treated for depression and anxiety, for 28 years. And honestly? Most likely, that's what got me through LIFE - because, at least I was treating some symptoms of my ADHD, and learning through therapy how to deal with my upbringing conditions.

So let us now have an adult shrug-moment 🤷‍♀️ and a toast 🥂 , and wish for a less traumatized generation - or in case this family line ends with me, let's wish for a less traumatized self (pretty please?! 🤡).

[maxphilippa]

Beware of HybridAlex17.

CW: Guilt-tripping, Suicide Baiting, Manipulation, Stalking, Identity Theft, Death Threats. Please read this. It is very important.

Hello, I usually don't make these type of posts, but lately I've been too stressed to even be here on Tumblr due to a certain individual in The Lego Movie Fandom. And that person is @/HybridAlex17.

Weeks ago, I decided to cut ties with this person on a calm way due to the fact that I genuinely couldn't keep the friendship going on any longer. Truth is that this friendship made me feel like I was trapped.

I'm in no way invalidating his trauma and suffering, and of course, I will always try to help my friends in times of need, but Alex constantly needed me to "comfort him" and basically be there for him all of the time, making me responsible of his emotions since he's an very unstable person "who would think of the worst case scenario happening to me" if I didn't told him what I was doing at the moment. Of course, friendships are meant to work through bad and good times. But there's moments where you should realize that you have limits. I had mine.

And I couldn't possibly just stay any longer in a relationship where it felt like I had to take care of someone. That's not what I'm looking for. It never was. I felt unsafe and constantly scared about what he could do to himself if I said the wrong thing, as he was constantly feeling bad about everything. And call me what you want, but I realized that, I do not want to be there. But even then, I didn't have any hard feelings towards him. I genuinely wished him the best and to get better, but I couldn't be there to see that change. My mental health mattered. So I spoke to him very calmly about it, reassuring him that I do not hate him and I just wanted to cut our ties peacefully.

(At the moment, I censored his name to protect his identity. This was before I blocked him.)

Then, in reply, he guilt-tripped me, wishing that I never met him, that he died that one time, that this never happened, and everything. Despite me having high hopes for him to actually react properly, he didn't. So I ended up blocking him in all of his accounts and just calling it a day, because I didn't want to think of it. Sounds pretty fair by now, right?

Well, the story does not end there. Some more days later, he would then tag me on a PUBLIC POST (because he couldn't just DM me, I guess), apologizing for taking it too personally and for everything in spanish. I spoke to my friends about this at the moment because I really didn't feel like it was genuine. You would never post an apology towards someone unless you would want them to feel pressured to reply to you, right? Well then, because he did this already MORE THAN ONE TIME with me. I blocked him because I really didn't want to deal with it. It was tiring and I was hoping that he would just give up.

(This account of his does no longer exist.)

But then, here comes the impersionation thing. Three days ago, my friends sent me an blog that was weirdly similar to mine. Lucy icon and the description, eh, ya' know. Very fucking basic. And look at the URL. A mix of the words Max and Philippa but changed to spell Philippines.

And if that does not convince you, then take a look at this post.

"Android Emmet AU".

I swear to fucking God.

You guys might or might not know that I'm the creator of the Android Rex AU, I created it on June 22 of the past year, being the second AU I've ever made. So he didn't only just made a weird puppet of me to pretend that we're still friends, he's STEALING THE WHOLE THING AND TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS THINK THAT IT IS AN ACCOUNT OF MINE.

But seriously though. Come on. He's not fooling anyone. It's an pathetic imitation of who I am, of what can I do. He's acting like he knows me enough, but he never even tried to. He could never replace me. He will never get me back. And he knows it. He knows it so well.

Yesterday, it was my birthday. Of course, it was a great day for me. But various anonymus asks came in for me then. The first ones were kind ones, but then, there were some that straight up wished that I was never born and that I died! And hey! Not to assume! But that was Alex in different accounts! Because he literally stopped once I turned the anonymus off and one of my friends stood up for me!

And you can see this by scrolling through my blog just a bit!

And once he realized that he fucked up, because they thought that this friend of mine didn't have any relation with me (despite the fact that I do have posts where I drew their guys), he blocked them and "apologized". Can't even take responsability for such a messed up thing.

And he just didn't stop there. Wishing me death? Expected it. But how did he know that it was my birthday? Because I blocked him before I ever publically told it. And that's when it hit me. An alt account. And someone sent me a post in which he drew Android Rex and Joseph, two of the main characters of my AU for my birthday, saying that he wishes the best for me and stuff.

I never fucking told you when my birthday was. You could have never possibly known unless you were stalking me over an account. You use alternative accounts to boost your own art and don't even try to deny it. People will realize once they take a look. So many empty accounts. Instead of moving on and just fucking accepting that I cut ties with you because you made me feel scared of even entering this app, and learning from your mistakes, you're being a fucking creepy man. And don't deny it. You've done this to a bunch of people here. My close friends were affected by your shit.

And I know that you're going to see this.

And just so you know, since you crave my attention so fucking much to the point where you created a fake account that was "me" so you could still think that nothing happened, let me tell you something.

I was never angry at you. I stated that I wanted to cut ties because I couldn't be in such a toxic relationship. I respected you as a person. But then you tried to make me feel bad about my choice. About everything I do. Because that's what you're good for. Is this how you treat your friends? Because Good Lord. Seeing your true colors makes me think that we were never really friends since the start.

And even then? I'm not angry at you.

I'm disappointed.

And I already hit my favor quota on saying this in the most harmless of ways possible, but I'm feeling generous. So. Like. Have some dignity, would you? Don't be an asshole. Move on. I already did.

I hoped that you would move on. But you never learn anything, do you? You said how much you cared about me back then. I guess death treats, constantly stalking someone, and impersonating them is your way to care.

I will never be your friend.

And to those who read this post, please, do not harass HybridAlex17. As much damage he has done, he's not worth it. What I would be thankful of is that you guys report the fake account he made of me, since I can't do it myself. And let others know about him and his doings.

If you're a friend of HybridAlex17, then I'm deeply sorry. I do not have any hard feelings towards you, but I would rather not interact with anyone who is.

And with this, I'm done. Take care, all of you.

[kisses-for-you]

Ill - Kory Anders

Kory Anders X Fem!Reader

Summary: You've been diagnosed with a serious illness that Kory is about to find out about.

Word Count: 1,099

⚠️ Warnings: Cancer.

You snuggle comfortably into Kory's warm embrace, feeling the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Kory wraps her arms protectively around you, creating a cosy cocoon of affection. As you lay entwined, you listen to the sound of Kory's soothing heartbeat that syncs in perfect harmony with your own. In that peaceful moment, time seems to slow, and the world outside your embrace fades away.

As you lay there, you notice Kory starting to slowly doze off. You loved moments like this. Just you and your girlfriend with not a care in the world. But that's where you're wrong. There's one thing you haven't been able to stop thinking about. Your cancer.

You got diagnosed with it around a month ago, pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately for you, it's already spread and it's in its advanced stages, which means it can't be treated. Or rather it can but it's highly unlikely that it'll work. So why bother? You should've noticed the signs, maybe then you wouldn't be in this situation, worrying about how long you have left with your girlfriend, wondering what your last moments with her will be. But then again - the doctors did say your specific type of cancer is hard to detect in its early stages. So is it really your fault that you didn't notice?

Maybe you didn't notice but Kory did. Of course, she still doesn't know about the cancer. You just don't have the guts to tell her. However, she noticed the constant tiredness and the sudden weight loss. You did try to convince her it was just exhaustion from how hard you were working but she knew better. She knew you were lying and she knows you still are, no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise.

Your thoughts come to an end when you hear Kory's light snores coming from behind you, telling you she's asleep. As carefully as you can, you slip out of her grasp and leave your room. You head to the kitchen for a glass of water, your mind starting to race with thoughts of your illness once again. The sound of footsteps approaching snaps you out of your train of thought.

"Y/N, is everything okay?" Kory asks.

You turn around to find Kory standing in the doorway to the kitchen, concern etched across her face. You force a smile, trying to hide the weight of your secret.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Just couldn't sleep, you know?" you reply, attempting to sound casual. Kory narrows her eyes slightly, sensing that you're lying to her yet again.

"Y/N, don't lie to me," she says softly, stepping closer. "You've changed, you know? You're always tired and you've lost so much weight in such a short amount of time - Y/N, just talk to me, please."

Your forced smile wavers as Kory's genuine concern pierces through your attempts to conceal the truth. You take a deep breath, trying to choose your best words very carefully.

"Kory, it's just... I've been feeling a bit off lately," you admit, still covering up the full truth. "But it's just stress from how much I've been working. I just need a small break and I'll be fine, really."

Kory studies your face, her eyes searching for reassurance. Despite your attempt to downplay it, she knows there's still more than you're telling her. "Y/N, I know you better than anyone. This isn't just stress. Please, talk to me. I want to help."

The lump in your throat grows heavier, but you manage to respond, "Look, Kory, I'm not going to burden you with my problems so let's just enjoy the moments we have together, okay?"

Kory's slowly getting tired of your bullshit and it shows when she accidentally snaps with a slightly raised voice, "Well I can't really enjoy the moments we have together if all I can think about is how my girlfriend keeps lying to my face and I can't stop worrying about what's wrong with her."

Your heart pounds as Kory's words hang in the air, her frustration palpable. You take another deep breath, realizing that you can't keep evading the truth any longer.

"Kory, I..." Your voice falters, and you lock eyes with her, vulnerability laid bare. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry, but it's more than just stress. I've got cancer, and it's... I'm not getting treated. It's too advanced and it's already spread. The doctors said I've got about a year left at best."

Kory's eyes widen, her initial frustration replaced by shock and concern. She takes a step closer, the gravity of your words sinking in. "Y/N, why didn't you tell me? How long have you known?" Her voice trembles with a mix of emotions.

You hesitate before responding quietly, your voice barely above a whisper, "Like a month.."

"A month? And you didn't even think to tell me?!" Kory exclaims before falling silent, her gaze shifting between disbelief and sorrow.

"I didn't want whatever time I had left with you to be spent grieving someone who's still alive!" you say, your voice breaking as tears well up in your eyes.

She reaches out to gently hold your hands. "Y/N, I get that you were just trying to spare me the pain, but keeping such a big secret from me hurt me more. We're in this together, no matter what. I want to be here for you," Kory says, her voice filled with sincerity and love.

You try to speak but your words are cut short by the sound of your sobs. Tears stream down your cheeks as Kory pulls you into a tight hug, her arms wrapping around you, allowing you to feel safe and protected as if nothing else matters. She holds you close, and you can feel her heart beating against yours.

You lean your head on her shoulder, your tears staining her shirt. Yet she doesn't seem to mind. She's just glad she can be there for you in some way. In that moment of vulnerability, Kory holds you tighter, the room filling with your quiet sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," Kory whispers, her voice calm and soothing as she continues to embrace you. "I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish you didn't have to go through this."

Your tears eventually come to an end and you look up at Kory, your eyes still red and puffy. "I love you so much, Kory," you say. She responds, a sad smile on her face, "I love you too, Y/N,"

[akumanoken]

So I just want to say that when I talk about drawing for myself, it has nothing to do with being tired of commissions. I don't want people to think that LOL

Let me explain.... I've been so drained lately trying to draw products and create things that will get sales on etsy and kofi... and honestly, it's been stressful because it's not a very high-traffic area, and I put a lot of energy into it without a lot of reciprocation.

Being able to draw things for myself just as pictures of ships remind me that I can just... draw for myself, and I don't have to CONSTANTLY work toward things that will make money.

That being said, I LOVE AND ADORE COMMISSIONS... When I do commissions, it's about more than just getting paid. It's about the trust that people place in me to create art of their character, to make something for them that they see in their mind's eye and want to see realized. I love that process. I love the characters that I get to draw and the new skills that I gain from doing it. It means the world to me, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm shitting on that process.

It's just been a long road... and I need to remind myself that I can draw things while I wait for commissions that don't have to be for the purpose of making money.

This art journey has been full of ups and downs, and I don't talk about too much of it, I realize, I can see why my little asides can be taken the wrong way.

[rabble-dabble]

hi. i know it's been a while and i'm sorry for that.

i guess if you'd just like to know what's going on click the readmore?

if you don't wanna read that though, tldr is that i'm starting to draw hs characters for art practice, and that i'm doing this art "series" (i guess?) for myself to improve. oh, and that life is hard sometimes.

so this isn't really easy to say, and especially not to the internet with a buncha strangers following me (haha) but truthfully, i've been having a hard time both with art and with life lately.

i feel like i'm not keeping up with consistency or the expectations i set for myself with art both on this blog and off. i keep finding myself unsatisfied, disgusted, or just disappointed with how my art turns out, or the ending piece. i feel like i used to know where my art was going, and now i've somehow lost sight. i know the individual things i need improvement on (backgrounds, objects, animals, feet anatomy, colour techniques, body shapes, etc etc etc) but it all just feels like so much and if i get practice on one thing, i stop drawing for a while and i just lose the practice i learned.

so i kinda came up with a solution. draw all the hs characters again - interesting, right? (/s). but i'm not gonna do this for the blog (so, sorry followers). i'm gonna do it for me. no expectations, i don't have a set time limit so no stressing myself, and i just draw the characters as i'd like, trying to improve. this is also to just help myself with wanting to draw again - i draw IRL almost everyday, but nothing that i want or that's...well, artistic/creative. i want to create, like it's eating underneath me in my soul, but i can't find myself to do anything more than pencil sketches.

that kinda brings me to my other problem lately: real life. haha.

if you've been following me long enough, you know i don't really post about my IRL problems here, or especially not to this extent. yeah, i've had my one or two vent posts, but i try to keep it off here because a part of me knows its no benefit to have that kind of depressing, low-self esteem stuff on an art blog that i reblog minecraft and john/kat to.

but truthfully, i don't just wanna pretend it's sunshine and rainbows on here. i'm so tired, and i'm stressed, and i've been through the emotional woodchipper lately that i can barely keep my head on straight. yes, i'm trying to get help for all this (i have a doctors appointment soon, and i'm gonna try and get all my diagnosis in order and get therapy, etc) but i'm not coping well with everything that's been happening to me lately, and i can't keep trucking on the same way i have been like i'm more emotionally stable than i actually am.

i'm sorry if i've been acting more bitter, distant, or just different lately. i'm just exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and i'm starting to run out of energy to just function in my day-to-day. i actually cried at work the other day (for the first time!) for feeling so overwhelmed with everything i had to do (both in my job and outside of it, fuck retail btw it sucks). i have small support in friends and family, but they're not the type of support i genuinely need to function and keep myself healthy. and i can't rely on them in ways that aren't their responsibility, or that i truly need help with.

i'm not trying to air out ALL my dirty laundry here (hehehe) but i just felt like it was better to say i'm struggling emotionally then to just pretend i wasn't struggling at all. if i was a healthier person i probably wouldn't be venting here in the first place, but then again i probably wouldn't have all these problems hanging over me either, lol.

just...have patience with me, please. i just want life to be a little kind, or at least kind enough to get me to my first therapy appointment.

[theghostofashton]

weekend wip game

thank you for the tags @lemonlyman-dotcom and @orchidscript and thank you to @welcometololaland for coming up with this game!

rules: list your wips below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future wips/ideas!) then answer the following questions. then, tag as many people as you have wips (or more).

1. WIP List:

of things i am actively working on / thinking about?

exes to lovers au: the one i'm the farthest in, the gang went to college together in new york and made all kinds of memories, tk and carlos fell in love, but things ended abruptly right before graduation and now it's six years later and fate brings them back together (tk moves to austin)

olympics au: after a devastating injury took him out of contention for london, carlos is back to gymnastics and determined to make rio. he doesn't anticipate the way tk strand coming into his life will change everything.

cda: i don't want to give much away about this one but it is a carlos character study

stripper au: this has like. -3 plot atm (is honestly just a series of chaotic text messages to friends) so i don't have much to say but i have decided i will be writing it for sure so adding to the list.

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

exes to lovers, hands down. both in words and extensive plans

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

exes to lovers

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

the only one i'm making active progress on atm is exes to lovers but i would probably say that one. it's such a rich story filled with so many self-indulgent things and thinking about it and planning has been so much fun

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

stripper au i think. mostly because it's a kind of story i never thought i would write and a whole new world to explore. challenging myself in writing is one of my favorite things about it but it's also scary lol

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

exes to lovers i think. just because it's so specific in my head and i'm constantly doubting my ability to translate that to actual words lol

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

having someone else read my fics before they're posted is a relatively new thing to me tbh, but i really do enjoy it so i'd say all of them? i just find that having someone to talk things through with is really invaluable. i haven't sought out a sensitivity reader yet but i would definitely do so depending on content so i'm making sure to be respectful

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

...exes to lovers lately? idk i've just as a whole been busy/tired/stressed and not writing nearly as much which has been really frustrating

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

so far i don't think i have any lol. but i'm creating a love interest for marjan in exes to lovers that i'm super excited about. queer marjan is a hc that's always been special to me so i've decided to create a gf for her.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

stripper au i feel like is the obvious answer lol

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

exes to lovers, probably. getting into their heads about their time apart hurts, the breakup hurts, the messiness of them encountering each other present day hurts..... she's gonna be a lot lol

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

exes to lovers for sure. i feel like getting to think about everyone when they were 18 and in college and develop them there and then also exploring them into adulthood has led to some incredible characterization

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

exes to lovers because it explores new york and texas so closely

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

exes to lovers. my voice memos are just.....that fic. i've gone on so many walks during my lunch breaks and just talked through some things with myself lol. weaving two timelines together is so hard and has taken so much planning

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

cda, i think. it's a story i've wanted to write for months but i've kinda shied away from because there were a lot of things i wanted to think through for it. there's so much i want it to be and i hope i can accomplish that

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

i wish lmao

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

exes to lovers has the two timelines, olympics involves a lot of gymnastics jargon, cda is very much [redacted], and stripper au is well. self explanatory lol

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

olympics au, i'd say. kinda a heavy premise that i wanted to offset with a lot of jokes and banter amongst the characters

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

exes to lovers won't necessarily feature outside pov but a good bit of this story deals with this group of very close-knit friends that fell apart a little, once two of them broke up, and the ways that rocked everyone's dynamics (particularly because, similar to canon, neither tk nor carlos told them why). it's been really interesting to think about how that affected the other characters. i also have spent way too much time developing everyone else, thinking about their lives and careers and perspectives, so there'll definitely be quite a bit of character exploration beyond tarlos

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

exes to lovers - carlos teaches 10th grade english and it has been an absolute joy to write

olympics au - andrea and gabriel olympic power duo <3

cda: all my carlos headcanons wrapped into a fic

four wips so i'll tag @sanjuwrites @reyesstrand @carlos-in-glasses and @bonheur-cafe

[aris-ink]

I don't really know how to say this... Maybe, hopefully, it won't come off as shocking news, since I've been working through the requests so slowly... But I think I need a break. I don't know.

I pushed myself and ignored all the advice of taking it easy, because it's not like I am forcing myself to write when I don't want to - I really want to. But it's just not happening.

I've tried really hard to ignore people and not let them get to me, but I've had a lot of stress to deal with lately, and I'm really tired. I think everyone has their limits. I lost a lot of motivation to write here, at times it just feels pointless when someone can shoot all that effort down with one little click. It's not that I don't see or appreciate all of you who send in your comments, messages and support, I do and it means so much to me. I'm just really tired.

I don't know what to do to get this exhaustion off my chest. I didn't think I'd be this upset over the last fic being reported, but like I said, everyone has their limits, and this isn't about one fic. That was just the final tipping point, after all the other reports and nasty anons and constant problems. It was especially upsetting because I wrote it after three weeks of being in a really bad state and not being able to create anything. And I was really happy to finally get back into it, only for all the work to be instantly - well, like I said - shot down. All engagement instantly died.

On top of that, these things made me realize I haven't really been satisfied with anything I've written lately. It all just feels rushed and forced, because I don't wanna make anyone wait, because I suffocate my own creativity through constant guilt due to the topics I explore. I haven't really breathed or written freely in ages. I miss the days when I wrote fics like sleeping, little red, family secrets, without feeling bad about it, without forcing myself.

Like I said I am not sure how to help myself and what to do to feel better, but stressing over all my wips definitely doesn't help. Thank you so much for all your love and support and I hope you can all continue to bear with me like you always did while I get myself together ❤️