#i want to be fair but...whew im tired about a lot of things when it comes to gh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lowkeysebastianstan · 6 years ago

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hey there. I totally get your frustration with endgame and the ending. I wasn't happy and I'm not happy how half the fandom tells me/us how we have to look at it. how we have to accept it. how the actors are happy with it and so should we. how the writers/producers - okay, I'm gonna leave them out of this seeing neither of them have any idea what they have done in the first place. after all they disagree on everything in every interview since the release. and isn't that funny? (1/?)

how even they are not on one side with the movie? what I despise most right now when it comes to this movie and this fandom is how we are treated. how we should tag our “hate” - which I think is funny since I didn’t hate the movie entirely. I hated pieces of it, like I did with past movies. I never liked doctor strange and even back then people were allowed to mention how casting cumberbatch for the part wasn’t the smartest idea they had. (2/?)

people want us to be happy with an ending that doesn’t make sense to us and they appreciate and are “allowed” to shove down our throats with their happy posts about a perfect ending. how is taking tony’s life after he finally married pepper and got a daughter is perfect? how is sending steve back to peggy after they did everything in their power to convince us he moved on from his past life…how is that perfect? (3/?)

you can probably tell I’m bitter. I really am. there’s not a day that goes by I’m not frustrated with what we got after ten years and 22 movies. however, I thought to myself what would it give me to cling on to this on my blog. would it change anything? I do know I’m not alone. I see so many people agreeing with this anger and it gives me some sort of peace. at the end of the day, though, it’s also important to see what it gives to you. (4/?)

talking to one of my closest friends about it and voicing my frustration with the end helps me more than keep posting about it. because in the end it won’t change a thing. the longer I surround myself with the frustration and anger and everything that comes with this not being what I had hoped for the more it pushes me from the fandom. of course everyone do as they please and I get people who want to get it out of their system. (5/?)

but maybe sitting down and look at what the constant repeating will give you in the end, realizing where it might end, could help finding some kind of peace for you. I’d hope for you to enjoy the parts of the fandom that still apply to you. I really like your blog and you as a person and I’d hate to see one of my fave people on this site to leave (I lost count, but this is the last)

whew! hi right back, that was quite something.

i feel ive answered this ask before, was that also you?

i mean, yeah. i know im not alone, i do. i see some of it on my dash, but not a lot, since ive had to block every marvel related tag just to keep from indulging in some light murder (just gentle ones, not to worry), and i really cannot fathom why ppl on the other side of the isle can’t do the same? or if you’re getting tired of the negativity? blacklist. or unfollow, block even.

as ive said a few times lately, ive been here 6 years. and this is the first time ive aired my frustration in any noticeable way. sure there’s been a few occasions where i got the salt shaker out, but that was in relation to much more limited subjects, and it was a post or two at the most.

ive been frustrated with previous movies too, but ive kept my trap shut, ive just gone on, kept my queue stocked, giffed the rare set and hid behind pretty solid content, no drama, not personality, no engagement.

and it’s not too bad, to just be anonymous, to look at the pretty, spread the pretty, do the occasional tag rant, and let that be it.

but.

when i came back after a long hiatus last autumn i started writing again. i posted a psa where i apologised for the fact that i would reblog my writing on this blog, i informed what tags i was gonna use, and for the first time i actually checked my follower count before and after. i lost 20 followers the first day. for posting writing. my writing. that was tagged to a ridiculous degree. and i saw a fair few more disappear before the exodus, and idk. i made me realise a thing or two.

one, people like my blog and the content i post

two, they’re only here for that content

three, to have a strictly themed blog will limit you horribly

four, my followers in general don’t give a shit about me, only about the content i post, which fair enough

five, i care about that, even if i don’t care about the follower count as such, i do care that the ones i have actually like me

six, which is completely absurd bc none of them knows me at all, i never show myself

but that was then. this is now. and the last weeks has made me realise the most important thing of all, i dont care any more. why the fuck should i? when my showing any kind of negativity about something that i did care a whole lot about but i no longer have?

endgame might have killed all my enthusiasm for the mcu, and it fucking hurts. it’s been a staple in my life for years, ive invested my time, my creativity, my love and my goddamn money, and ive got jack shit to show for it. i have a blog that i used to love, but is becoming alien to me, and that hurts too. ive invested a lot in this blog too, after i deleted a few of my other blogs a couple of years back, this is by far my biggest one. and im torn tbh.

do i want to leave it? no, i don’t. can i go back? honestly? i doubt it. if my love for the mcu is gone, well so is bucky. and lets be real, a sebastian stan blog with no bucky? i cannot really see it, can you?

but hey. ill make you a deal, all of you. ill ease up on the memes, i won’t stop bc i have a few scheduled, you guys blacklist or unfollow if you dont want to see them, and ill see about sprinkling in some sebastian content if i can find any i deem worth it.

also i don’t have any close irl friends to air my frustrations with, everyone here loved this crap, and that’s not really the discourse im looking for. but im happy for you, it sounds nice :)

hope you’re having a great day!

eta: i won’t leave btw. not unless the porn hub thing comes into fruition. just so you know, and if anyone cares. just sayin.

eta2: also? the fact that i, or we, are complaining and being pissed at the movie, but the opposition are attacking us for doing that? instead of, again, fucking blacklist and leave us the fuck alone? yeah, doesn’t help with the bitter. if y’all are so threatened by our arguments, maybe you should reevaluate your own, seems you’re trying a bit too hard there. i don’t want to take enjoyment from anyone, i envy you too much for that, but ffs, just leave me the fuck alone to deal with it. (that’s not @ you, that’s to them)

eta3: and thank you for saying im someone you like. but see? ive been trolling you all, im terrible. and i expect you don’t like me as much now anyways. but thank you, it was nice to hear nevertheless.

#anon #ask #answered #anti endgame #see? i still tag it ffs #long post #so so long #hey i get it #the positivity is killing me #i get where you're coming from #but it's getting a bit tiresome to have people just come in and tell me to get over it #no matter how well you mean it #im sorry that i cant just snap and make half my feelings go away #y'know bc that would take away any good ones too #good greif infinity war kinda sucks too doesn't it #wow

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frigfridge · 5 years ago

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just finished rewatching toy story 1 thru 3 over the past few days, wanted to share my thoughts:

i love these movies a whole lot. the first 2 hold a bunch of nostalgia for me because i was A Baby when 2 came out and when i was also A Baby i would just watch our VHS copy of toy story 1 over and over again. this also makes me the exact age group to be emotionally destroyed by toy story 3, which came out just as i was entering high school and hit really close to home

individual thoughts:

toy story: the first thing i noticed was it still looks really nice even watching in 2019!! which i think is kind of spectacular for the first feature-length computer-animated film. it no doubt helps that the plot is mostly focused on little plastic dolls without realistic hair or clothing to animate but the semi-”cartoon” art direction means the human characters also look pretty nice without going too far into the uncanny valley.

also, the plot is WAY darker than i remember?? not because of sid and all the body horror toys, but because for like half of the movie woodys friends think hes an actual (toy) murderer carrying around the severed arm of his victim (!!) like, its hilarious, but also wow theres a LONG way to go between there and the climax of toy story 3.

the soundtrack is probably my favorite of the bunch. part of that is probably nostalgia but i just really like the consistency of having randy newman singing every song. it sort of elevates him to part of the story, like an omniscient narrator singing woodys (and later buzzs) inner monologue. 2 (and especially 3) didnt have as many musical numbers, which i can understand with a shift to a larger-scale approach to storytelling, but i really like the feeling it gives number 1. “you got a friend in me” is an obvious classic thats been remixed and brought back in just about every piece of toy story media im aware of, but “strange things” and “i will go sailing no more” deserve just as much recognition and praise. there just isnt a weak number among them

toy story 2: heres where the story started getting bigger and more existential, which basically becomes the new direction of the series. which makes sense! this one released 4 years after the first, and while theres no real timeskip in the story (maybe 6 months?) it had been a little while since we last saw woody and the gang. everybody in the real world had gotten older, and with the turn of the millennium approaching, the theme of impermanence loomed large in the collective unconscious. well, maybe not in my unconscious, because i was 2. but its really interesting as kind of a “time capsule” to what people were thinking about as the 90s came to a close.

so toy story 2 was a little more grounded, a little more focus on the human world, but it was also more fantastical in its presentation. the opening “video game” sequence (which still looks amazing!!) and woodys nightmare (”i dont wanna play with you anymore...”) show the animators at pixar really found their groove and started getting experimental. and to great result!! the fantasy sequences are a lot of fun and help 2 really stand out.

i would be remiss not to mention jessies flashback song here. its something else they hadnt really done in the first film and i think it really works. jessie in this film unfortunately doesnt get to do much other than fight with woody about whether he should stay or go (except for when she saves him in the end) but this song makes her character work. it also helps that it destroys me every time

also i think this is the movie that gave me an appreciation for the acting of kelsey grammer. i dont really agree with his politics (i also dont know specifically what they are) but he is a damn fine actor and gives the prospector a very genuinely intimidating edge after his heel turn. the casting really makes the character here, but thats nothing new for toy story-- every voice works. if i were the casting director, i probably wouldnt have pulled erudite kelsey grammer for a character named “stinky pete,” but as it is now i couldnt imagine him voiced by anyone else.

the last thing about toy story 2 is it feels like there were a lot more pop culture references? at least as far as i noticed. there are apparently even more than i noticed but i caught on to the “also sprach zarathustra” riff in the opening, and the jurassic park rearview mirror gag. and of course the extended star wars reference with zurg vs. utility belt buzz (and i guess zurg in general.) the references are cute and mostly unobtrusive but really i could take or leave them.

oh yeah also al is hilarious. just this rude, neurotic businessman whos incredibly self-important for the owner of a minor(?) toy store chain. hes such a puffed-up jerk, every time hes on-screen is a delight

toy story 3: this one kills me to death. i always get misty-eyed during “when somebody loved me” but the ending of 3 where andy introduces his toys to bonnie and plays with them one last time made me sob the first time i watched it. and it still does! thats the long game right there, thats the payoff of over 10 years loving these characters. its an emotional ketchup bomb, everything gets all messy and soggy and sweet. hopefully 4 can follow up, but im not really worried about that-- ive heard some good things. damn, its been 9 years since this movie came out, though! it really doesnt feel all that long, but i guess i havent been doing all that much

i actually dont know if i have much else to say about 3. the opening with the re-imagining of the previous films openings (woody versus one-eyed bart, buzz and woody vs. the evil dr. porkchop) is a highlight, although theres a conspicuous lack of bo peep. ive heard she has a big part in 4, but it was kind of weird to see a lot of toys missing and their absence (mostly) glossed over after the first few minutes. i miss r.c. and lenny, but i get they wanted to narrow down the cast so all of them could get in on the plot.

speaking of which, the escape scene is great too. its kind of a crystallizing moment of how close these characters are, and how well they work together. it reminds me a lot of the escape from sids house in the first movie, but there woody was working with sids body-horror toys and seemed to strike up a rapport with them bizarrely quickly. (speaking of which, i miss those toys! their designs were super cool, but i cant imagine they got much merchandise, especially babyface with the sharp, metal spider legs.) here, though, woody and the gang cooperate the best they ever have, and it really paints a picture of how close theyve become over the years, and justifies the emotional climax in the landfill. this is what i was talking about when i said i was surprised how dark toy story 1 got! these toys all hated woodys guts back then for what they thought he did to buzz. they kicked him out of a moving truck! its just weird to think about that conflict between them when you know how long they end up sticking together. but thats, like, neat, so its ok. it feels earned, its just kind of crazy in hindsight.

toy story 3 was also obviously made long after the first two-- by comparison, the lighting is way more sophisticated, the humans are a lot more detailed. theres just a lot more detail In General. the main cast is, like, super dirty for the middle 90% of the film, and it feels like, yeah, We Have This Technology Now. we can render so many individual glitter sprinkles suck to hamms ass and they will be in every single scene. the “fur tech” on lotso and buster is also an obvious clue, especially in the flashback to lotso trudging through the rain back to his owners house. its like “look! we can make this teddy bear SO wet!” and wow! yeah! you did! so wet!

lotso himself is also an interesting villain in terms of sheer bastardness. he is just a huge jerk. he could have hit that button so easily! and he was so mean to the baby! but at the same time hes a great character in how he slowly “changes” throughout the movie. he is kind of an obvious “pixar ‘twist’ villain” but again, the amazing performance by ned beatty really saves him. also he does get a nice comeuppance at the end, which was necessary because hes really the biggest villain in the series so far. hes knowingly malicious and doesnt have any greater motive, hes just an embittered megalomaniac who (apparently) has sent other toys to be broken, thrown away, and incinerated at the landfill. he honestly deserves worse than being strapped to the front of a truck but it works for a family movie.

i have a couple more thoughts on 3 (i guess i did have a fair amount of stuff to say about it) but im getting tired of writing. the music is good as usual, but the vocal stuff being entirely back-loaded (in the credits) is a bit disappointing since ive always been a fan of the songs, but i get that they were going for something different. the jokes about ken being, uh, ‘flamboyant’ felt out of place, mostly the one at the end (”uh, buzz? barbie didnt write this”) because it comes from one of the gang and not unnamed lotso goon #3, but i guess its pretty tame in the scheme of things.

overall im really looking forward to seeing what 4 does with the series. whew!

#hopefully ill see 4 this weekend #personal essay #got pretty honkin long. click at your own risk

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survivormyanmar-blog · 8 years ago

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Ep. #9 - “Liars and Snakes” - Keegan

Returning from Tribal Council, where Brett was blindsided, Keegan and Tommy were left on the bottom. The Immunity challenge was announced it would be Crack the Code. Tommy ended up solving his code in an impressive 3 guesses and won Immunity for the second straight round. In The Cave, Ashley was able to find the Hidden Immunity Idol and Jay found a challenge advantage. The girls alliance started planning a split vote, with the help of Linus and Sam, to take out Keegan with the plan being to split the votes 5-3-2 with 5 on Keegan, 3 on Sam, and 2 from the minority on Christian. Sam and Ting Ting had other plans though. They wanted to use this split vote to their advantage and team up with Tommy and Keegan to take out Christian bringing the vote to 4-3-3 and theoretically send Christian home. Their plan would have succeeded but Leah accidentally voted for Keegan instead of Sam like she was supposed to. The vote ended up with a tie of 4-4-2 between Keegan and Christian with Keegan being sent home on the live revote.

There’s some snakes in this game.

LOOK WHAT WE JUST PULLED OFF. Saved Christian AND got rid of freaking Brett. This is great. Keegan going around saying we got some snakes… yeah you, buddy. Byeeeeee

hmmmmmmmm there’s some fishy business in the leftover ladies. not so leftover anymore huh. time to #staywoke

stop talking keegan like sometimes the vote doesn’t go your way

ANYWAY i am READY for this challenge i’m gonna get it DONE.

I’m not liking my chances anymore. With Jay and Linus (supposedly) flipping, that leaves Tommy, Sam and myself on the outs. Wow. Liars and snakes.

I’m so disappointed in Linus. Jay is still a lying skeeze but she wasn’t always on my side so whatever I guess. Linus flipping made me lose every bit of respect I had for him.

you know this is just a time where a winner shows what they’re made of. i’m just gonna have to put my head down and be more social.

If Jay wanted to flip, I don’t get why she’d take Linus with her? Like it was fine numbers wise for one person to do that. Maybe I’m underestimating Jay and Linus’s relationship. Maybe I’ll need to get rid of it sooner.

Okay, hold up. CAN WE DISCUSS HOW TOMMY IS GOING TO GET IMMUNITY YET A FUCKING GAIN? Literally all that boy is good at is getting lucky. I am so annoyed. I took 15 freaking moves to get those colors in order and he comes hopping up in my PMs like “ Oh I did it in 4, Trevor and Owen freaked out” YEAH CUZ YOU GOT LUCKY BETCH. Literally if we have an immunity that actually has to do with skills coming up he is going down. Because sweetie, yo luck about to run out.

Well, today sucks. As expected, I woke up with people being pissed at me. Keegan and Tommy are giving me the third degree about flipping and Sam is either ignoring me or not on. Not entirely sure. Hopefully I’ll be able to patch things up and keep my game moving forward. Only two more votes until I’ll have advanced my placement. I just want to survive until then.

I can’t trust any of these snake mothafuckas NOBODY LIKES SUSHI?! uh uh. not on my watch. guess it’s just me and ting ting against the world right now.

Well I just found an immunity idol everyone…. This is rather exciting. Last time I had one of these I never got to use it. I am hoping to literally not tell anyone and keep it to myself. When my gut tells me I will use it. I just hope I dont fuck this up.

Me when Tommy got 4 moves and i had 6: http://68.media.tumblr.com/bc124db1202342df51aada860dbc837a/tumblr_o2ckgbOV6I1uwwhj6o2_400.gif

Oh shit waddup I got an advantage in the cave. I’m hoping the ‘oh shit waddup’ meme will be dead by the time everyone’s reading this, but just remember that it’s still relevant now and I have an advantage. It’s just a generic challenge advantage, but I’m hoping it’ll help me survive next tribal and advance my placement in the game. I’m kind of nervous at this point because nobody has said anything about the vote to me, but it’s only, like 10:00am my time, so maybe it’s okay. Paranoia is just my only way to live.

okay so it might be time for myself and tommy to part ways, but he doesn’t need to know that yet. it’s just a very big gamble to take because i might swing over with the girls to take out keegan as a set-up for tommy next round. but at the same time, if it’s a flashy move, then tommy might be on to us and do all he can to keep his ass off the block because I know that he’s a savvy player. if i stay with tommy he’s just going to make the target on me bigger, as he’s stuck up for me more than once and people might get sus about it. i said earlier that i needed to play the game fore me and now it’s my chance.

That’s right, another confession .8 seconds later. Sam came to me this morning because a couple of the girls were, in his words, 'sussed out’ that him and Tommy were getting close and he basically threw Tommy under the bus as hard as a person can physically be thrown under a bus. He said that his relationship with Tommy was totally one-sided and proceeded to lay out Tommy’s entire plan to get me back for voting out Brett last round. He wants to make me paranoid enough to flip on the girl’s alliance and piss them off, then get me next round. Which would be the same placement as I got in Transylvania. Dick move, Tommy. I’m not going to be a ninth place flop again. Fuck that and fuck you. I’m hoping that by the time episodes are getting released, we’ll be alright and at least on speaking terms because this is just a game, but for now I’m here to fucking win it and nobody is standing in my way.

Ok let’s just talk about the girls alliance for a sec because it’s going to blow soon and i don’t want to be caught in the aftermath of it. Like these girls are good at the game, most of them are actual favs, which makes me super nervous. and this vote is either going to be a total flip/ blindside or it’s going to go badly and this game will be fucked. Amanda: ok literally haven’t talked to her that much so i’m not sure how much i can trust her right now. like with the steffen vote it got super flipped and she had a part in that. Ashley: idk about her right now. tbh i haven’t talked with her a bunch since the steffen vote but i feel like i can trust her. a lot of people apparently think that i’m funneling info to her (which i’m not) so like wtf… Christian: sorry but she needs to go. this sounds bitchy but i know that she cheated and i just feel uncomfortable with her still in the game. and truthfully i haven’t talked with her like at all so there’s basically no trust there Jay: i trust her enough right now. which is something. i hope that she doesn’t totally blindside me but we’ll see Keegan: ok i feel really bad for keegan. like his closest ally was voted out and i frankly don’t know either him or brett so it’s difficult for me to vote for him. tommy, keegan, and i are trying to flip the vote this tribal to actually keep this game somewhat fair and fun to play. Leah: truthfully i haven’t talked to her a bunch but the time i did she was hilarious and i want some trust there but idk Linus: ok linus. his decision making skills are a little off. like can he not see that the all girls alliance is targeting guys. he is probably going to voted out soon if he doesn’t wake up like seriously. Sam: i know you’re saving yourself but seriously…. ^^^ look at what i wrote for linus Tommy: let’s make it to the end. Owen: fuck the cave Trevor: fuck you and the cave

I’m about 95% sure I’m the vote tonight. Ting Ting told me that Linus and Sam have jumped ship and that I’m the target. She said she’d maybe work with me and flip the vote, but im not getting my hopes up. Tommy and I are doing everything we can to shift the votes onto someone else. He’s my closest ally now, and the only person I fully trust.

Last tribal I deadass thought I was gone. But when Amanda messaged me and let me know that my name was going around for the vote that night, and then the girls decided to band together with Linus and I ended up staying 7-4? Whew. When the votes were read and Brett left? https://68.media.tumblr.com/7eff5ed231e3df9d02c9b91e458b220b/tumblr_oiib4pQ8wh1ulaj3eo1_400.gif

Side note: never should have called me a goat, because now I have a fire lit under my ass. :) I’m woke and playing the game like I said I would. Lay low and seem nonthreatening then at merge start making moves. Tommy messaged me today for the first time in over a month, and we’ve been having a really nice convo. But why now? Why not try to message me before you decided to write my name down last tribal. Funny thing is, I’m actually glad he decided to come to me first and not me coming to him. It would look better towards the girls alliance, making it seem like he’s messaging me in case he doesn’t win immunity the next round and just to save his ass in general. Because honestly, I kind of need Tommy in this game. I want to make a move(yes I would actually flip on the girls alliance, because there are a couple threats *cough* Jay *cough* Ashley), and I can use Tommy as a number to take one or both of them out. I’m thinking next tribal or the tribal after. Stay tuned. ;) https://68.media.tumblr.com/538035f57e848c860abf66afdadf716e/tumblr_oiib4pQ8wh1ulaj3eo2_r1_400.gif

Tommy, Sam, Ting Ting, Linus and myself might be working together. We might be tying the vote. I really hope I can count on everyone and that this plan works out. I need some kind of plan to work out, statistically it has to happen, right?

I’ve been wrong on so many things today. The girls are splitting the votes, 5 for me, 3 for Sam. However, Sam and Ting Ting, who both have said they’d vote with, are supposed to be writing my name down. If they both keep their word, Christian will be voted out instead. I hope this plan works. I’m not ready to go yet.

I’M AN EMOTIONAL BEAN. I’m a wreck, I’m on the bottom. I literally cried on call with Sam and then Linus. I just feel really tired it has been a stressful day and I don’t feel like talking much. I’m just taking a backseat on this and relaxing with my second immunity necklace <3. I’m gonna just pray.

okay so here’s what happened today i woke up i ate breakfast i talked to jay about securing my spot, went very well i called tommy to kind of put him off, but i really wanted to gun for him the next vote i went to practice I WENT TO THE BEACH i ate 2 hot dogs and 3 cheeseburgers while talking to a crackedt keegan about a plan, when i really wanted to vote for him i came back from the beach i called with tommy and found out he was upset because some of the girls were calling him annoying (which actually fuckin sucks by the way like even if you don’t wanna play with someone lay off the personal stuff) ting ting tells me she wants to flip the vote TING TING WANTS TO FLIP THE VOTE?! so yeah. she actually does, and since the girls are planning to split, it could end up being a 4-3-3 vote for christian. and in that case, jay gets #shook and the girls alliance could be on its way to crumbling. the best part is i’m still in the game, and so is tommy. if it works, though. i need for this to work like there is so so so so so much riding on this please make it work

Calmish round. We are splitting the vote. Sam is jumping. (Important notes that dont really need a writeup and are self explanitory) I’ve actually realized I may just be in about the perfect position (Hopefully haha). Basically Im on the outside of the majority alliance, but Im in the affiliate position where they arent going to vote me out since Im voting with them. An alliance always turns on its self before cutting everybody on the outside, which means if I lay low I should be relatively safe until the girls alliance cannibalizes, and at that point I will have some control in the game ^_^. Tommy and Keegan tried to flip me back over, which would have been something to consider but their story of how the vote would work was completely ridiculous and basically boiled down to “just vote with us…. It will work out…. Trust… We cant tell you how but it will work…” Ooops :P . As always wish my luck at tribal, and hopefully Im not a complete moron in the assumption that eventually the girls alliance will turn on itself and if they do and I do get the the end, Ill be able to make a serious case of a utr game :D .

Keegan came to me wanting me to flip and vote Jay and its SOOOOOO tempting omg but i cant do it this week. I lowkey hope he somehow stays and Sam leaves and then we can vote out Jay next week or the week after cause honestly at that point id prob be down. I just cant this week the numbers would be off too much. But she def needs to leave soon

#mustlearntoadapt #confessionals

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sansfangirl4life-blog · 6 years ago

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Drunken Confessions

Whew man! So I did a poll on DA basically asking what kind of LostxXans oneshot I should try. ‘Bringing home a drunk friend from the bar’ was the winner so~ here you all go!

Lost is mine and Xans belongs to @jeyawue

Drunken Confessions

Xans hummed as he walked down the street, the streetlights slowly beginning to flicker on as the sun set. "Heh, bet Lost is gonna be thrilled ta see this shit." He smirked as he looked at the small, neatly wrapped present. "He's been wantin' this for awhile." He stopped as he waited for the light to change. "Normally I'd just teleport over there, but eh~ I don't feel like it." He frowned a little as he looked at the streetlight. Although...he's been kinda down lately. Wonder why that is?

Lost had been his friend for several years, ever since they had both been in middle school. He knew he could count on his friend to have his back, no matter what. So when he decided to ask someone out several months ago Lost had supported him. Ever since then though, they had both grown a little distant. Not to mention Xans had broken up with said person just as quickly as asking them out.

Since then, he'd been shamelessly sleeping around. As the light turned green he made his way down the street, keeping the present close to his chest. Yeah, I'd be stupid to miss his birthday though. He chuckled a little. I can't wait to see that shocked look on his face! His eyes always get so big they're like damned dinner plates! The simple thought had him smiling as he made his way to a small, two story house. Granted he's been studying a lot lately, college and all that. Fucking nerd.

He dug around under the ugly garden gnome sitting next to the door, an April Fools day gift from a couple years ago and nabbed the spare key. He unlocked the door and headed inside, kicking the door shut. "Oi, Lost! I'm fucking hungry!" He snickered and hid the present by the coat rack. "Lost~? C'mon, I want a sandwich!" He frowned as he looked around the house. "Huh....thought he'd be home." He made his way through the dark house, his frown growing as he shivered a bit. "Cold in here too...has he been gone all day? Usually that little weirdo has the house kinda warm. Although I'll admit, it's pretty cozy." He opened the door to the spare bedroom he usually would crash in, only to be met with nothing. "So...not here, not downstairs....his room?"

He made his way down the hall, stopping just inches from the closed door. Wait.....is this right? I feel like a fucking snoop. He frowned and looked at the floor, sighing. But if he is home....and he's this quiet....maybe something's wrong. He took a deep breath and opened the door, being met only with darkness. "Well...shit. He really isn't here. Usually he'd be studying right now."

He turned on the light and his stomach dropped. Lost's bed was a messy tangle of sheets, pictures of him and Xans strewn across the floor. "Fuck dude, since when were you this messy? I'm the messy asshole, not ya Lost." He looked around the room, picking up all the pictures and putting them back in the shoebox labelled 'Hangouts'. "So...where the fuck is-"

'When I was six years old I broke my leg~ I was running from my brother and his friends~'

Xans grabbed his cellphone and answered the call. "Lost, where the fu-"

"Are you a friend of this kid?" A familiar voice filtered through the speaker, just not the one Xans wanted to hear.

"Yeah, I am. Why the fuck ya callin' me Grillby?" He scowled. "He isn't there....is he?"

"Yup, he is, and 100% wasted." Xans frowned, his stomach churning slightly. Wasted? Since when did Lost even drink?! "Can ya keep 'im there? I'll head over as soon as I can."

"Good, because I'm sick of listening to his bellyaching." Grillby hung up and Xans headed out the door.

Can't teleport to the other side of town! Fuck Lost, why the hell are ya there?!

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Lost grumbled as he clung to an empty ketchup bottle. "Why'd ya have to take my cellphone? That isn't fair~...."

"Kid, you're wasted and you're too damned nice for this place." Grillby hummed, cleaning out a small shot glass. His firey body flickered slightly as Lost just waved his hand. "No, you're not getting another one."

"Aww c'mon~." Lost shifted in the barstool, letting out a small hiccup. "I just wanna drown it...please lemme drown it out...." He let out a tired, sad sigh as he dragged his finger along the bar. "Why does it hurt so much Grillby?"

"..."

"I mean, he was happy! I helped him get with the guy and then he just....he just...dumps him? Sleeps around like a whore?! H-He's better than that! I know he is but....but...." He let out another , weak hiccupped sob and slowly stood up. "I'm just gonna go home....I don't wanna see him..."

"Lost, get your ass back in that stool."

"Nope~!" Lost turned and stuck his tongue out, his feet staggering as he clumsily made it to the door. "And you're not stopping me, ya hot asshole~!" He opened the door, listening to the bell chime. "Hee hee, jingle tinkle~..." He left the bar and began a slow, wobbly walk down the sidewalk. "Fucking asshole.....he's soooo late for everything nowadays~! Always 'too busy' or 'at work' or 'hanging with the boyfriend'....load a shit he is!" He shuffled along as the streetlight above him suddenly popped and blew, making him yelp. "F-Fuck you too electricity! Heh...this little light of mine....it isn't gonna shine~..."

"Well lookie here boys." Lost stopped when he glanced around, frowning.

When did I get to this alley? Ugh, cities are so confusing....

"And where do you think you're headed?" A tall, scrawny man grabbed Lost by his hood and spun him around, glaring at his flushed face. "Yer five sheets to the wind, aren't ya boy?"

"Mmmhmm~...." Lost let out a tired, sad giggle. "And right now I'm kinda lonely...." He leaned heavily against the man as he grinned. "Are ya lonely too~?"

"Heh, he really is just a wasted kid." Another guy chuckled. "Well he is rather pretty for a boy...whaddya wanna do?"

"I think we should make sure he'd sell well." Lost blinked slowly and felt a hand tug at his black, white tipped hair.

"O-Ow~.....sorry, but pain isn't my thing here...."

"Aww don't worry about that...we'll make sure you feel real nice." The man pinned Lost to a wall, his hands grabbing Lost's butt and squeezing. "Fairly nice build, hmm?"

"Heh, nah....too scrawny~....No one wants that...they want nice built guys like....like Xans. He....he's got a good body...all muscles and-ah!" A hand gripped his semi hard member and he began to push slightly. "O-On second thought, I don't wanna....lemme go...." When the man ignored him, he could feel his heart hammering faster. "I...I said lemme go!"

"Now hold on a moment, didn't ya say ya were lonely~?" The man grinned, grabbing both of Lost's wrists and pinning them above his head. He struggled weakly as the man checked his pockets, grabbing his wallet. "Well you can just buy our entertainment if you want."

"Let go! S-Someone, he-mmmmph?!" He felt lips being forced onto his and he screamed as a tongue was shoved in his mouth. He bit down, making the man yell and back up as he panted. "HELP! SO-" A hand landed harshly against his cheek, sending him sprawling to the ground. He coughed as a harsh kick slammed into his stomach and he curled up, covering his head. They're...they're gonna hurt me.....no...please!

"Now...that ain't a very polite thing to do guys." Lost's hazy eyes looked up to see Xans standing at the open end of the alley, leaning against a wall. "Fer starters, he's drunk off his ass, and secondly, he said no. Don'tcha know what the word means?"

"Tsk, look at that, another pasty ass freak." One of the guys taunted. Xans just sighed and walked over.

"So, I'm gonna guess that ya aren't gonna just simply leave, eh? That's fine." His eyes glowed in the dark, the grin on his face unsettling. "That means I can give ya both a real fucking bad time!" The next few moments were blur for Lost as the alley glowed with magic. His vision was swimming and he struggled to stay conscious as Xans dodged the men, a grin on his face. As soon as he landed the first punch, Lost felt darkness claim his mind.

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Xans grumbled as he readjusted his jacket. "Damn...one had a knife." He sighed. "Fuckers....think they can get away with that shit?" He turned to Lost and knelt down next to him, his stomach churning with worry. "Oi, Lost...ya ok?" He propped the limp young man against the wall, gently patting his cheeks. "Hello~? I'm not gonna be able ta carry yer ass all the way home without a little help."

When he received no response, he frowned. "Ok then~...." He lifted Lost's shirt up and blew a giant raspberry into it, making Lost jerk awake and yell.

"Goddamn asshole!" Lost quickly yanked his shirt down, cheeks still flushed red from the alcohol. "M...my head hurts...." He whimpered, rubbing his forehead. "X...Xans? Is that you?"

"Yup. Did ya lose yer memory of the past ten minuets or are ya that blackout drunk?" Xans sighed and slung one of his arms over his shoulder. "C'mon Lost....I'm gettin' yer ass home and in bed."

"Don't...don't wanna go back yet....still have a drink to finish...." Lost mumbled as Xans slowly stood up. Lost's feet dragged slightly under him as Xans began to slowly walk them both out of the alley. "Tired of....of studying and....and bein' alone...." Xans frowned and simply shrugged.

"Ya ain't alone, stupid. I came by today ta see ya, and yer house was all dark." He explained. He held Lost by the waist and dragged him along the sidewalk until they were near his house. "Alright, gonna teleport inside ok? Please don't throw up on me."

"Heh heh....then you'd be a stinker...." Xans rolled his eyes and his left eye flashed. For a moment, then two were falling through darkness. Xans let out a deep sigh as he held Lost close. His eye flashed again and he landed on Lost's bed. Lost groaned and made a beeline for the bathroom, the sound of wretching filling Xans's ears.

I'd rather hear that than... He frowned as he recalled Lost's panicked cries for help, his shout of pain from being kicked. Fuck...if I hadn't gotten there in time, he'd....he could've....goddamnit Lost since when were ya so careless?! Lost stumbled into the room, tilting to the right and Xans had to almost jump off the bed to catch him. "Holy shit Lost, yer really drowning in alcohol, aren't ya?"

"S-Since when did...y-you begin to care again?" Lost mumbled, his body shaking. "J-Just go away...." Xans frowned and slowly slid Lost's hoodie off.

"No~...w-we're not dating~..."

"Shut up Lost. Ya sound stupid." Xans grumbled, reaching down and taking off Lost's untied tennis shoes and socks.

"....You wouldn't wanna...." Xans frowned and looked up at Lost, hanging his hoodie from a hook on the back of his door.

"Now c'mon Lost, we've been through this. There ain't nothin' wrong with ya. Ya just need to go out and-"

"I-I don't want to go out and just 'get lucky' like you did!" Lost snapped, his red and blue eyes wide and shining. "And...and you dumped him anyways! I fucking supported you and you just...just....fuck you!"

"Hey, calm yer tits Lost. What the fu-"

"No, you shut up!" Lost gripped the bedsheets under him, his entire body trembling. "You've lied to me for the past three months! You didn't tell me you broke up, then I heard from Grillby that you were sleeping around town! Why?! Why the fuck would-"

"I needed the money, ok?" Xans sighed, running a hand through his white hair. "Look, ya need sleep, lemme just-"

"DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME XANS!" Xans turned, eyes wide as Lost stood up, his hands balled into fists and his eyes filled with anger. "I'm tired of you dodging my questions! You wouldn't answer your cellphone, you stopped coming over, no one knew what was going on with you! Why-"

"I just wanted ta buy ya somethin' nice fer yer birthday!"

"MY BIRTHDAY WAS A MONTH AGO!!!!" Xans froze as Lost sighed, holding himself. "It...it was last month....and you promised you'd be here and you never showed.....s-so...."

Fuck...fuck was it? This is October so...fuck...oh my fucking god.... "Lost, look, I'm sorry I-"

"No. Just...just stop it. Stop stringing me along." Xans walked over to Lost and grabbed his shoulders. "Quit leading me on with kindness....if you don't want to be here with me anymore than just fucking grow a pair and say so."

"Now hold the fuck on. Who the hell said anything about leaving ya here alone? Yer drunk as shit and someone nearly....well, I ain't leavin' ya here alone." Lost's shoulders began to shake and Xans pulled him close. "It's alright....I'm right 'ere ok?"

"It...it just isn't....isn't fair....." Lost sobbed against him, gripping the front of his shirt tight. "And...and I could never tell you....I just wanted a chance to....to tell you...." Xans tilted his head as he felt his shirt slowly stain with tears.

No, don't pry. He's drunk. He's so fucking wasted right now.... He thought. A good friend wouldn't pry. But... He rubbed soothing circles along Lost's back and he let out a tired sigh. I'm already a shitty friend. "Whaddya mean Lost?"

"I...I never got to tell you how I felt. Knowing you wanted someone else and I just...just couldn't. Then wh-when you started avoiding me I thought it was because I fucked up...or you...you didn't want to hang out anymore or...." Lost continued on, his voice slurred slightly from his sobs. "But I love you and-" He stopped and backed up, covering his mouth. "S-Shit I... I didn't- I'm just drunk and I...I need to-" Xans pressed a finger against his lips, looking into wide, frantic eyes.

He....he loves me... He frowned sadly as he took in Lost's disheveled appearance. His clothes were wrinkled, his skin seemed duller than the last time he had seen him. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his usually shiny hair was dull and flat. He loves me...the shitty asshole of a friend that forgot his damned birthday....who left him alone.... "Why? How long?"

"I....I don't know." Lost whispered quietly, his voice tiny and sad. "But.....since high school. I just...realized it one day, that's all. But you never seemed interested so I just never bothered to confess in the open. So I asked Muffet for help and she helped me leave those dounuts...."

"Wait, those were you?" He frowned. "Those were my favorite flavor... Berry Contrary."

"It still sounds stupid." Lost mumbled. "I guess it was all wasted then, wasn't it? So...now you know." He let out a shaky sigh and turned around. "....Just leave. Please...leave me alone." Xans frowned and looked at Lost.

He seems so small....scared..... He let out a long sigh as his Soul seemed to pound hard in his ribs. I...I can't leave him like this. And...when I saw him in the alley... His stomach churned and seemed to boil again at the thought of those men touching Lost in the way they had. Fuck it... "I ain't leavin." He walked over and turned Lost around. He gripped his chin, making their eyes lock. "And how on earth could I be so blindly stupid as to have never noticed yer feelings? I'm a shitty ass friend...and I don't deserve ya." He moved in closer, enjoying the blush on Lost's face. Fuck...how on earth did I ignore this? "But....ya know? I don't care. I'm also selfish...and I'mma about to either royally fuck up....or fix a mistake." He then leaned in close and placed a gentle kiss against Lost's pale, chapped lips.

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This...this isn't happening.... Lost thought as Xans's warm, moist lips moved against his own. He responded almost instantly, tilting his head to let Xans's tongue in as he deepened the kiss. I'm hallucinating....I'm still in that filthy alley...I have to be.... When they finally moved apart, Lost had his eyes closed. "I'm asleep...right?"

"I know I'm dreamy and all that shit, but yer not sleepin' Lost." Xans chuckled. Lost opened his eyes and Xans smiled. "Now...c'mon. Smile fer me eh? Ya know, I never realized how nice your smile truly is..." Lost laughed quietly, resting his forehead against his chest. "There...ya see? All be-" He was caught off guard as Lost gave him a needy, sloppy kiss. Lost wrapped his arms around Xans's waist and they slowly moved, flopping backwards onto Lost's bed. "Lost, are ya-"

"Please Xans." Lost whispered against his lips. "I...I want you. I've wanted you for so long....please while I'm still drunk."

"Ya know, that's possibly the worst idea ya've ever had." Xans smirked. "I like it..." He moved off of Lost, taking off his hoodie, but stopping when Lost grabbed his hand. "Hmm?"

"C-Can I...undress you?" Lost blushed darkly, the alcohol still stirring in his blood. Xans nodded and he very slowly took off Xans's shirt. His hands trailed along Xans's torso, gentle slim fingers almost feathery against his white skin.

"Go ahead Lost....touch all ya want."

"I just...I'm just afraid that I'll really wake up..."

"Again, this ain't a dream." Xans took his hands and kissed the knuckles gently. "Tonight...I'm yers." Lost nodded and felt Xans's hands slide under his shirt.

"Now....yer turn." He carefully pulled Lost's white shirt over his head, sighing as he looked at his chest. He could see his ribs slightly and he couldn't help the concerned glance he gave. "Lost....have ya been eating properly?"

"Please, can't this wait until morning?" Lost all but begged, wrapping his arms around Xans's neck. "Tonight, I just want you....let me have this." Xans nodded and he felt Lost's lips against his neck, kissing slowly. Xans sighed at the gentle touches, moving and placing a hand in his locks and tugging softly. "Ngh~..."

"If yer as hard as I think ya are, why are we still wearin' pants?" Lost chuckled a little, his fingers reaching down to play with the elastic waistband of Xans's shorts. He slowly slid them down along with his boxers and gasped when he was greeted with Xans's semi-hard erection. "Now c'mon Lost....yer jus' goin' slow on purpose...." Lost blinked and knelt down. "Lost, wh-oh fuck~..." He felt lips around his member, his tongue slowly wrapping around his member. “Shiiiit....."

"Mmmnph...." Lost hummed a little as he slid his tongue around Xans, sucking and nipping gently. One of his hands reached up and began to fondle Xans's sac, pale hands tugging harshly at his hair. "Nnh!" Xans tried not to buck in

Lost's mouth but as Lost gave a harsh suck he thrusted his hips in response and forced Lost to swallow even more of his thick length. Lost coughed slightly before hollowing his cheeks and sucking hard. Xans moaned and felt Lost's hand give a squeeze on his sac and he sucked at the same time and he came hard in Lost's mouth. "Mmmhmm....." Lost swallowed his cum, slowly standing up to look into Xans's eyes.

"Fuck...yer like a little succubus when yer horny." Xans chuckled. "I quite like this side of ya." Lost simply smiled and he leaned in closer, licking a trail of cum that had dribbled down his chin.

"Ah...Xans please...."

"Please what?"

"I-I want you to fuck me..." He whispered as Xans bit his neck. "Gh!" He licked and sucked on his neck, leaving a dark, growing bruise. "Please~...."

"Heh, yer wish is my command, birthday boy." He chuckled as he slowly slid Lost's pants and boxers off, leaving them both bare in the moonlight bedroom. He watched as Lost fumbled on his bedside table, grabbing a tube. "Oh you dirty little minx...so that's why mah pics were all over yer bed~..." He blushed and Xans chuckled. "It's alright....we both get the real thing now, eh?" Lost shoved the tube against his chest and he smirked. He squeezed the lube out and onto his member, rubbing until it was smooth and slick. "Alright, ya ready?"

"I-I've been ready since high school..." Lost admitted, blushing harder. Xans chuckled and carefully entered Lost, feeling his legs twitch slightly. "Nnnh! F-fuck..."

"Yer s-so tight Lost...relax a bit...." Xans whispered, leaning down to place a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I won't hurt ya." He slid out and then back in, going past the first ring of muscle and easily into the next. "Shit...so tight and wet....yer such a fucking perfect fit fer me...."

"X-Xans...faster...I want more..." Lost whimpered, bucking his hips to get Xans in deeper. His legs came up and wrapped themselves around Xans's waist, trying to force him in further. "Hngh~!!!" As Xans thrusted further in, Lost gasped as he hit his prostate deep inside him. "X-Xans! Fuck, Xans!"

"Heh, maybe another day." Xans chuckled. "G-God yer so fucking good and tight....shit...." He felt Lost clamp around his member and he groaned as Lost came all over him, his hot cum mixing with the sweat on his body. "S-Shit...." He came hard in Lost, feeling Lost jerk slightly at the sensation. "Heh....not used ta it, eh Lost?"

"......"

"Uhh, Lost?" He withdrew himself from the young man under him to look at his face. "Pfft.....damn." Lost had passed out, mouth wide open as he drooled onto his pillow. He let out soft, gentle snores as he laid there, cum leaking out of him.

"Man, aren't ya a sight." He left the room to get a wet washcloth. Wiping himself down, he went back to the bathroom and slowly cleaned Lost up.

"Mngph....don't want fries.....want burger....." Lost muttered in his sleep. "Goes good with....with mustard.....mmmm...." Xans pulled his cellphone out and quietly recorded Lost's sleepy mumbles.

"Heh, this is just golden." Xans snickered. He put his phone away and carefully tucked Lost in. He turned to leave when a hand grabbed his wrist.

"....Stay. Please stay." He sighed softly, turning to look at Lost's face and pleading eyes.

"....Alright." Xans walked to the other side of the bed, curling up under the covers. He felt Lost curl close to his chest, mumbling incoherently as he fell back to sleep. "We seriously need ta talk in the mornin' Lost."

"Zzz....."

"But I swear ta god...you'd better not throw up on me when ya get up."

#LostxXans #humanXans #humanLost #Undertalefanfiction #angst #smut #drunk #need to cut back on that drinking boy XD #no particular AU

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survivorathena-allstars · 7 years ago

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Episode #10: “Can You Hear My Eyes Rolling Cause They Are” ~ Owen

I LIVED!!!! Which is good, I'm so glad to be on the side with numbers, that was a good blindside, I'm trying not to feel too bad for Emily since she WROTE MY NAME DOWN. also i wonder who the other vote for me was, i bet it was Cameron so he can play both sides. *EYES* I'm so happy to still be here time to win this challenge! ________________________________________________________________ Also I don't get why Lily is so salty she tried to BLINDSIDE ME

i didn't switch to lily because im mostly a dumbass. also i didn't want her to be bitter but five minutes later that decision turned out to mean nothing. emily voted ruthie with me, i'm not sure who the third vote was??? could they please stand up im tired of living in the dark. i think lily voted for me (also i love getting votes in my last three tribals it's the only thing that makes me feel relevant). anyways what matters is that i'm here, but i don't know how much longer i'll last at this rate. to be fair i was honest with these ppl about who i was voting for so like...but it's also like if i had better connections i would've known but oh well!! new round new me am i right haha :,)

If you think I cried a lot in Themyscira, you should see me now. I'm a pro at this point

LILY'S GONE LILY'S NOT ON JURY CHARLOTTE IS ON JURY I M W I N N I N

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Ok I know I'm not supposed to be here and "the tribe has spoken" but hold up. Did Lildemort really just quit? Sis put all that Coco Montrese-level work in round after round to get me out JUST to quit when the going got tough? And now CHARLOTTE is getting whisked away to fill the jury spot?

I can't even. Yes the evil is defeated and good for Charlotte BUT BITCH. Are... are y'all saying... that this is protocol? So like if anything else goes haywire or someone else quits, IM GOING INTO JURY??? I suddenly don't remember unstanning Athena and my PTSD from these seasons is in check again. Athena jury is my true calling and if this is All-Stars and y'all want the most lit jury.... please please please let me fuck it up. I know I know nothing's official and yes this is Charlotte's moment but like

Ya know you could always do a twistos twist. We don't have to do the same thing twice, someone else quitting and a prejuror coming back. Athena trailblazes and I have been a stellar guinea pig my whole life. Ok so placement! We could be poetic: since I got blindsided 5-2 again, I could be Juror #3 again. OR we could wait a bit and I walk in like 5th or 6th, give my enemies a chance to get there ya know and then I wreak havoc. OR we can be super messy, put me in last, and then everyone will be on the floor deceased. I'm very open minded and down to negotiate. Aaaaalll I'm saying is: if y'all want the drama and the ratings, you know who to call

Whew it's taking a whole lot out of me to put effort into my social game. Like I'm really drained. Like so incredibly drained. Talking to these people really hurts honestly. It really does. And for some reason, I'm the least upset with Will and Cameron. Cameron specifically, I'm fine with quite honestly. He was the only one that had the courage to message me last night and... it just made me feel better. No one else messaged me. Ali did but I think it was because Cameron messaged him telling him to message me. I feel most betrayed by Ali honestly mkdsmfkacsd I'm really trying to decide my next course of action

Emily telling me she's the least mad at me and Cameron after the Lily vote is incredible, seeing as we were two of the people pushing the hardest for her to go. Remember that social game everyone said I didn't have in Azores? Here it is now, because I have Emily, Owen, Zach, and Ruthie all spilling tea and taking the fall for me while the rest of the alliance takes the heat. If anything, my ass is safe for at least one more round because Dana put a huge target on herself - not saying that I would EVER want Dana to go, because I feel like we can protect her if she's the target. There are whispers that Duncan's gonna be the next target for his flip-flopping behavior, and Emily might even want to target Owen next. If we let Emily think she has some power after last night, we could steer her right into getting idoled out which would be evil but also incredible. If Owen/Dana/Ali are her public enemies number 1, 2, and 3 right now then... that's perfect for me. A path is opening up towards the end for me, and I really, really love it. Some people don't learn from their mistakes, but it's 2018 and this year is about growth and personal development - I know why I lost Azores, and now I can see how I can win All Stars. ________________________________________________________________ I'm starting to get worried though because I'm realizing I don't think I can beat Cameron in a F3...and I don't like the thought of having to vote him out and I don't think I could beat him in a F4 tiebreaker either...So the next few tribals need to look like this: F11/F10 boot is Duncan/Owen, F9 boot is Emily, F8-F6 is some combination of Ashvika/Ruthie/Zach, then F5 boot is Cameron and F4 would be unanimously Kevin. Like I said, we can let Emily dictate the F11/F10 targets and I think she'd go for those two first, then we can let her think it's one of us going and play an idol to take her out at F9 (and Cameron/myself wouldn't get the heat). Then we have a clear majority at F8 of our 4 plus really...any of the others who wanna keep going. Then at F6, any idols will have to be played so I just need to make sure I don't become a robbed legend. And then F5 will either be 4-1 or 3-2 and Cameron has to go - and I hate hate HATE that but I'm so worried about me being safe at F4 hinging on winning final immunity. But we'll see I guess. If I'm gonna go to the F3 with my alliance, it needs to be with Ali and Dana - because people think they're erratic and floaters. This is how it's gonna have to be though and I can see a path to the end...but it's not an easy path and people are gonna be Mad with a big fat capital M.

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OH HOHO, SO DUNCAN WANTS ME OUT HUH? Well honey, I've got some news for you. One, I have an idol. Two, I have friends in high places. And three? You are not so powerful. I am loved and I am winning this game, and taking the days played record right from your hands. I love you, but you are not taking me down today.

Whew I've been a roller coaster of emotions for the past twenty four hours and I've finally calmed down and I feel a lot more woke now. Here are some comments on everyone still in the game. ALI: Ali is a hard one because both Duncan and I feel very betrayed by him. Ali didn't fill Duncan in on the Lily vote, it was someone else that told Duncan. And I thought Duncan and Ali were like spearheading the Duncan vote. And I also told Owen about Ali's idol, but I'll get to that part. I don't think I trust Ali anymore unless he can prove to me otherwise. I've been having a very difficult time talking to him because I do feel incredibly betrayed. What I don't understand is why he thought that I had an idol or Lily had an idol? I didn't. I think he knew that. I told him so many times I just wanted to be informed of what was happening, and I thought a good, trustworthy ally of mine would tell me the truth. But he didn't. Not until 10:00. Which I think is very cowardly. I'm playing with a flock of cowards. ASHVIKA: Honestly I'm really pissed she's in such an... untouchable position? In my eyes, she's been super inactive? Maybe that's wrong, but I've not talked to her much at all. I believe she's in an untouchable position because of her allies. She's got Will, Dana, Zach, Duncan... like people on all sides? And that makes me mad? She's going to make it far and it makes me upset. DANA: Queen of unknowingly telling me that Lily was going last night <3 LOL Dana didn't know that I didn't know Lily was leaving and was straight up with me so that's real cute. I know she's close with Zach and has talked about wanting to work with Zach and I but I don't even know where Zach and I stand... I'll comment on that later in Zach's portion of this confession. I also feel like Dana is in a good position and it's >:( PUT ME IN UR POSITIONS U FUCKS DUNCAN: Duncan I thought was a lot more in on the vote than he actually was, which makes me feel bad about exposing his idol to Owen, but I was just SO MAD!!! I think Duncan is feeling the same way about Ali as I am. He's really hurt that Ali would like... go behind the backs of his close allies like this? And, honestly? It's not smart either? We are the only ones (to my knowledge) that know about Ali's idol? Like? Why would Ali do something like this lmao it's just stupid quite honestly. I'm going to have to figure out what to do moving forward but... I trust Duncan and Ali a whole lot. KEVIN: Tbh king of voting in the minority. I really don't have many feelings on Kevin but I honestly feel bad and I'm really confused why he was left out of the vote last round??? Like omg??? Poor Kevin I feel bad. King of being my secret santa. Cameron: After all of this has happened, I trust Cameron the most. I feel like he is being the most genuine with me and the most sincere about wanting to work with me. I think he's going to be someone I want to work with long term. I'm trying to be as adaptable as possible. And I think Cameron will help me out? Maybe? I just don't want to die this round holy fuck. I trust Cameron a good amount and I'm willing to do whatever he wants me to do this round to keep myself alive. And if this is my last round, it's my last round. I still have lots of friends in the game that'd I'd be happy winning. I'm just really concerned idk OUP AND I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY DUNCAN WHO WAS INFORMED BY ALI THAT Cameron TOLD ALI HE HAS AN IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK OWEN: Okay. Owen's,,,,, been found the heck out. HE HAS BEEN FOUND THE HECK OUT. Like, y'all. Owen is playing me so hard. And I HAVE BEEN AWARE OF IT TOO. I'VE SEEN IT HAPPENING. AND I'M LIKE. OH THAT'S SKETCHY. HAVE I DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT? NO! Owen told me he was campaigning hard for Kevin to go and from what I was told by Cameron, Owen was actually campaigning for Lily to go, but saying he didn't want to actually vote for Lily because he wanted to stay in my good graces! And he did the same thing with the Madison vote but voting for Jack and not picking a fucking side! Oh god. I felt so alone last night and when Owen called me, I just let it out. I exposed some tea I probably shouldn't have. But I think I know how I can deal with it? I don't know. I think Duncan is a very likely target this round. If he doesn't use his hideout, he needs to use his idol. Like. He's very likely to go home. And we can idol out a big person if we use it. Whether it's Will, Dana, Ashvika, or Ali I don't care. I want one of them gone. And I think we can do it. I think we need to keep Owen out of that plan though? I don't know what's going to go on. I want Owen gone but I know Duncan doesn't so like... this is going to be a big mess lol RUTHIE: God who the fuck knows honestly. I don't. WILL: I like Will but he's got his own little... posse. And they scare me. Him, Cameron, Ashvika, Dana, Zach, and Ali. And probably Owen, honestly. They fucking......... I won't let them run this game no sir-ee! I don't know how to fix it but fksdfjasd. Also I thought he had an idol but no, Cameron has that. So. Anyways I don't have much to say about Will. I'm fine with him. Don't want him to vote me out. ZACH: I love Zach so so so much and he's a great person but like I have no clue where we stand in the game anymore. Actually i just messaged him a long thing and I think we're all okay. Also I'm gonna submit his and all of my Zach talk is just gonna be the same uWu I love zach so much stuff so like I'm just gonna send it y'all know I love zach already no need to say it again bye

I AM SO PROUD OF WILL!! Now to figure out what to do. I really don't want Emily to go and it's simply because she's just too gosh darn likable. I'm going to try to figure something out with Cameron and Will though and right now they are my saviors, I'll do whatever they want to do but I also really don't want Owen or Zach to leave either.

Honestly I don't know what to think. I feel bad because I partially betrayed Emily by knowing Lily was leaving but lying, or failing to tell! Wooh love omission! But I think i've talked with her and i'm sure it's not super fixed but it's a little better. I now have an alliance with Duncan and Ashvika, then my pal Dana. How loyal am I? Well... not a lot. I don't want them to release this information and then by default, i'm the one being voted out because of "betrayal" or whatnot. But i'm not sure who i'd love to see. I guess my ideal people are Kevin, and a little Ruthie/Ali. I like everyone genuinely and i'm upset by Lily's reaction and just overall execution, but I feel like it was a fine move and despite it not being mine, I think Cameron came off as very aggressive and negative and that's going to bite him in the ass I think. But I made jury so HALLELUJAH!! 3/3 in Jury! And also - it's day 100 for me!! AHH!!!

In reference to last round? "That vote was messy so I’m going to follow suit. It’s open season on everyone’s asses and I’m pissed off and ready to shoot" Thats how i felt after i read what happened and everyone almost omitted me from the vote. According to Will i was left out because i mentioned to emily earlier on in the day that people were throwing lily's name out there. Also i told people i wanted to do lily next round, so people thought i was not going to budge on it and did not bother telling me the vote. What disappointed me though was Ali not coming through and telling me. He really let me down and because of that he's pushed me away. I told him we're fine and that im not mad any more. I mean its true, I'm not mad anymore, IM PISSED!!! So if he can't trust me i can't trust him. I made a finals deal with Ashvika tonight, and told her about ali's idol and Cameron's idol. If loose lips are gonna sink ships i don't want to be aboard the ship, i want to be behind the canon gunning it down. Who says there aren't any pirates on survivor? lol But anyways ashvika and i also made a foursome alliance with zach and dana since we feel like they're a tight duo who are dependable. I really so like the group as people and they're people i've never played with before which makes it even more exciting! Do i want to go to the end with them? Absolutely not! but its a cute group to get through the next couple rounds. I do intend on going to the end with ashvika though. the only person thats been 100 with me the whole game. I do believe she's with me but i need to make sure my other bonds are strong because im not giving anyone the power to obliterate my game. i've learned and I'm finished making mistakes

I always align with men and I hate myself

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________________________________________________________________ This FINALLY uploaded. It's from the morning after we merged.

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Hi moms I don't know how i'm voting tonight, which tbh, shouldn't be a shocker to yall. I'm a mess, but I haven't heard my name. Tbh send me on vacation to visit my girl Charlotte. But ideally i'd like to be 4th-5th juror because then i'll be more informed about the game so like let me meme around a little bit longer. Also this is my mood for today On 1/11/18, at 12:16 PM, Dana Barry wrote: > the girl im talking to: what are you up to today? > me: not being stressed out by tribal council in an org

This is really just my mood (see below) for this round because it's so clear Emily's trying to scramble by not really scrambling and if one of my alliance gets idoled out tonight i'm setting fire to the rain. Sorry that the game isn't going your way queen! I'm the Sarah Lacina and Brad Culpepper to your Sandra, Aubry, and Cirie and this is Game Changers xoxo Emily, 2:21 PM im not used to not knowing whats going on in a game afjsfkjasdklfas

Okay so I made a video confession and I’ll upload soon but... I’m excited about my new position in the game. I’m bouncing back, I think? I’ve been able to reestablish my relationships with Cameron, Will, Zach, and Ali and I am working on building on with Dana. I’m trying to get on the good side of Cameron & Co.™️ And I think it’s going well? Ali is talking to me and is very uneasy about Duncan. Rightfully so because Duncan is mad at Ali. I also am playing off the exposing-Ali-and-Duncan’s-idols-to-Owen thing off like Duncan was the one that could possibly leak it to Owen, since they’re close. And I think Ali believes it. Unless he already knows I told Owen and like? Idk. But Ali has also told me that he feels weird about Duncan because I am the one that he screwed over, and yet Duncan is the one upset. I’m not upset anymore and I’m moving on. Duncan is not happy. I am just sitting back, spreading subtle information, and getting people to target each other while I cuddle with my cats from afar. I’ve told Will and Cameron both that I am just here to take orders at this point. I don’t want to get in the way of anything. And I have opinions, I just want let them out until someone says them for me first. I’m trying to be agreeable, valuable, and calm this round. OTT Emily is no more. CP Emily is back, okay? She’s here to stay!!! I’m calm. I’m cool. I’m collected. I can do this.

I told people what I'm thinking today, which means pasta la vista 2 me. Idk i'm not even trying to lie to people but honestly i'm one of those people who is like so manipulative that sometimes I lie to myself and then get confused about what the truth is so wiggy. Does that happen to other people? I'm getting more crackedt by the minute. Who knows how i'm voting. I just want to vote Emily because she's being a problem and messy quen who sent my pms to everyone in the game to exploit me 4 being dumb and gullible. A funky strategy, like exploit me all u want but u probably arent winnin. Also weirdly Duncan thinks votes tonight are going to be on Emily anyway, so like now I can maybe make that happen. I'm a sneaky weasel with the power of a 50% functional brain behind me, aka a WINNER. Earlier today tho I was voting out Duncan though so blegh and also nobody wants to talk to me, which is good leave me alone. I just dont feel like getting voted out yet, sort of, and the other part of me is like bye world i could use some time in solitary confinement. Is that a mood for everyone or just me? I just sent the tribe chat a picture of Owen as a goat idk i like to laugh. This is a rant and she doesn't make sense can someone get jesus to talk to me because she is ignoring my pms too. Also I just signed out of skype so I can calm down and give myself a break from being as upsetting. Ok i'm going to stop writing now gn.

https://youtu.be/5PdXIHGvMpk me talking 2 ppl pretending it's cool they left me in the dark anyways i love getting votes 3 tribals in a row. and APPARENTLY according to Cameron i might be receiving votes tonight. exciting! if you're gonna vote for me do it right and take me out you cowards all you're doing is making my skin break out. the alternate options are all from atalaia: ruthie and emily!!! whew!!

https://tmblrsurvivorextra.tumblr.com/post/169591129951

“Okay I did eenie meenie minie moe and it landed on ruthie so that’s how I’ll be voting”

I made myself laugh with that one. If they ain’t going to make a decision, you decide for them

I truly am channeling my inner Eliza Orlins by being targeted so often. Whew! So turns out Cameron's a snake because Duncan gave me the receipts (well not any receipts actually but I'm trusting his word). APPARENTLY Cameron only told me Emily as a fake target because he was intending to vote for me. Snakes are gonna snake snake snake snake snake. Duncan and others are telling me Ruthie. Im supposed to believe that the tide is turning towards Ruthie but people here have a habit of spewing lies. Duncan just told me to act clueless and stuff or whatever if people approach me about the vote. I don't need to try to act clueless, because I don't know shit!

You would think that, being immune, I would feel safe, comfortable, happy. No I feel none of the above and I want to scream. I love Cameron but for some reason he won't take a breath and do the easy vote like dude...It doesn't need to be another big blindside or another big move. I'm worried that he's getting a little too confident and feels like he's the one in charge of the alliance, which is not cute at all. I don't want to be mad at him but I'm definitely frustrated, annoyed. My patience? She's being tested. I feel like I need to take a backseat on this one and just let whatever happens happen, because I'm in a good enough place with people that I can pick up the pieces if something horrible happens tonight. Cameron's hardcore overplaying and it's not a good look for him or our alliance if things start to get messy though.

I’m putting a lot of blind trust into Cameron but he’s the only one lending me enough rope to hold on to. I’m so nervous but I’m trying to stay sane this vote. I was expecting my name to come up tonight, but I wasn’t expecting it to come from Duncan, which is who I’ve been told brought my name up. I’m not playing a winner’s game right now. I’m so nervous and I don’t know how to fix it.

I love Owen sending me this big paragraph at merge, then telling Duncan I should go from the start of merge and saying how easily playable I am. I love Duncan who I trusted and told _everything_ targetting me for truly no reason, when I actually did attempt to clue him in on the vote. He just wasn't online. He is channelling his bitterness at not being in the loop at me, which is totally unfair. I love Emily who I thought I could trust telling everything about my idol to Owen. I went to her so many times trying to stress how much I valued her. I was the first person to clue her into the vote, I'm just sad. Obviously its just on a game level and I'll find it in my hort to forgive them, but Im so betrayed. So betrayed

I mean like is it really that bad to want to make a vote go 3-3-3-2? Is that really that ugly?

HECK OFF DUNCAN LITERALLY. I JUST WANT HIM TO CHOKE. it looks like we might vote Kevin? maybe? or split the vote? idk? this is? awful? help? please?

Why are Duncan and Owen blowing spoke at me with the efficiency of a chimney? I know Owen wants me to spill info to him and Duncan wants me out so what's up sjsjdkdkd God its so refreshing knowing that everyone is trying to play me hard

Will won immunity, I knew I wasnt gonna have the time to win this one so that's okay it does make me a bit worried but I dont think that like...it was necessarily beneficial to win it again so soon.

The main thing I'm grapplin with is that information spreads like fire! Emily tells me Ali and Duncan have idols, and that Duncan has a power that can remove him from the game for a round too. Huge yikes. So instantly that's on my mind. I knew Cameron knows about Ali's. I feel like maybe I've typed this before... But either way today I got on call with Will and basically gave him all of this information. And I've been forming a plan to get Duncan to dump an idol, if I tell him that I've been hearing his name! But Will suggested we just leak that Duncan might go to Ashvika.... Which gets messy for me bc if Duncan hears from Ashvika and not me, he won't trust me anymore. but then like...if I tell him I'm hearing his name and then.....nobody votes for him? he'll know why. BUT THEN ALSO LOL Cameron MESSAGES WILL ABOUT DUNCAN'S IDOL AND SUGGESTS DOING SOMETHING TO GET RID OF IT WHILE I'M STILL ON CALL WITH WILL. God this stresses me OUT. If Duncan doesn't waste his idol though it isn't the end of the world, because I do have a possibility of working with him. I just don't want him to idol Kevin. Speaking of, as soon as this round started I knew I wanted Kevin out. That breaks a connection that Duncan and potentially Cameron have, and gives me another round to get closer with Ali, Ruthie, Emily maybe. The call of four seemed good with Kevin, so does Emily, and I told Ruthie about it. Duncan is once again targeting Ruthie instead of Kevin so that's another thing to deal with. GOD. So rn it'll prob be like 8-3 or 4-7 or something but idk..... I want to believe Dana/Will/Cameron won't turn on me, but I can't tell myself I won't turn on them eventually idk. I have been talking to Ali and I think maybe I can sit at the end with him and Ruthie that would be SO GOOD lol. Or with Duncan maybe at the end. But Will, Dana, and Cameron are big risks. I just don't want to fuck them over....ugh. They're prob gonna wanna take me out. This is me 24/7. But I still love all of them rn too. Wow this game is F U N. Idk what I'm gonna do in general or tonight or with Duncan but I'm sure it'll be fun at some point.

I'm so confused by Duncan. I called him at the swap and told him EVERYTHING. I poured my heart and soul out to him. I said I trusted him all the way and I meant it. Now when he doesn't get clued in on a vote (which is his fault for not messaging me back) he is throwing the baby out with the bath water and just wants me out? Like he said this big thing about how it "hurt him when his number one left him out" which I didn't do, but that's so hypocritical when he now wants me out. I'm trying to not be too like too bitter because I love Duncan but come on.

Why aren’t there manipulatable straight boys in this game. This is unfair. Who am I supposed to flirt with and get them to take me to the end???? What the fuck

can u hear my eyes rolling cause they are

aliI'm about to be idoled out may I rest in peace

[1/11/18, 9:35:17 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): if I tell u to change the vote last minute do you PROMISE not to tell ANYONE [1/11/18, 9:35:24 PM] Emily: yes [1/11/18, 9:35:33 PM] Emily: give me enough time to make my parchment [1/11/18, 9:35:43 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): How much time is that? 5? ten? [1/11/18, 9:35:46 PM] Emily: please don’t have me throw my vote tho [1/11/18, 9:35:49 PM] Emily: ten? [1/11/18, 9:35:53 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): Ok cool [1/11/18, 9:35:58 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): i won’t have you throw your vote I just [1/11/18, 9:36:05 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): I don’t want someone to find out [1/11/18, 9:36:06 PM] Emily: okay [1/11/18, 9:36:11 PM] Emily: I won’t my lips are sealed [1/11/18, 9:36:20 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): this is me sneakily trying to keep u in the loop [1/11/18, 9:38:25 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): Some ppl just don’t trust you and I want u to know I trust you but idk if its changing yet [1/11/18, 9:38:42 PM] Emily: will this show them im trustworthy? [1/11/18, 9:38:46 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): i think so [1/11/18, 9:38:50 PM] Emily: okay [1/11/18, 9:39:07 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): I love you just pls dont tell ANYONE [1/11/18, 9:39:15 PM] Emily: im not telling anyone [1/11/18, 9:47:21 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): You PROMISE you vote how I say [1/11/18, 9:47:27 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): and you don’t tell ANYONE [1/11/18, 9:47:31 PM] Emily: yes [1/11/18, 9:47:42 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): my allies don’t want me to tell u bc they think you’ll tell owen so its imperitive you don’t okay [1/11/18, 9:47:50 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): im putting my life on the line with you [1/11/18, 9:47:51 PM] Emily: okay [1/11/18, 9:47:56 PM] Emily: i won’t Cameron [1/11/18, 9:48:13 PM] Emily: am i voting owen? [1/11/18, 9:48:29 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): no [1/11/18, 9:48:30 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): You’re not [1/11/18, 9:48:45 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): You’re voting for duncan unless you want to keep it on Kevin in case duncan plays his idol [1/11/18, 9:48:47 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): its up to you [1/11/18, 9:49:23 PM] Emily: okay ill vote duncan [1/11/18, 9:49:42 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): okay just PLEASE don’t tell anyone I told you to vote duncan [1/11/18, 9:49:47 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): IM BEGGING [1/11/18, 9:49:51 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): IT WILL GET ME MRUDERED HBEFJNDMS [1/11/18, 9:50:25 PM] Emily: i voted [1/11/18, 9:50:38 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): pls dont fuck me over emiyl [1/11/18, 9:50:45 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): This is me proving that I trust you and I want to work with you [1/11/18, 9:50:56 PM] Emily: am i supposed to pretend i dont know after the vote is over? [1/11/18, 9:52:27 PM] Emily: thank you so much for clueing me in Cameron i really appreciate it [1/11/18, 9:52:49 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): I love you [1/11/18, 9:52:59 PM] Emily: i love you too [1/11/18, 9:53:40 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Series Admin): And yes pls pretend This is my reasoning for voting for Duncan. I'm doing what it's taking to keep me in the game. I'm putting my trust in Cameron and I'm not sure if I'm making the smartest decision or not, but I'm doing it.

This was way too chaotic and shows that our four is way less stable than I thought we were. Like this could have been so easy but no everyone had to fREAK THE FUCK OUT like I'm so sorry and I'm so gonna regret saying this in a confessional but I legitimately don't care if Cameron Ali Dana whoever think they're the target of an idol. It does not matter who the target is. We needed to put a vote on Kevin if we were gonna bring Zach in but there was too much fucking chaos in our mess of a 4 person alliance to understand that. Nobody listens to me and it's clear now, especially Cameron. He thinks he's running this game but he's running himself into the ground. I'm sorry but it's just too much.

If Duncan stands with an idol i'm self-evicting into the sun.

Duncan becomes the 10th person voted out of Athena All Stars, and the 2nd member of our jury. You can see Duncan’s preseason interview here.

#NotAllFunAndGames

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