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ertrunkenerwassergeist · 4 years ago

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Born Into the Wilds - Snippet

This chapter is already 8 pages long and still not finished XD

Hhhmmm, what to choose...

“I would have loved to see their faces though,” Libertus suddenly said, jarring Nyx out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“With the fire-ash. I would have loved to see the Insomnian's faces when it suddenly grew up from under the streets.”

Crowe gave an amused snort. “Probably as dumb as yours was.”

“Hey! You weren't a paragon of serenity either, so you have no room to comment.”

The two glared at each other until Crowe huffed and rolled her eyes good naturedly. “Yeah, whatever.”

By now they had all seen the newsreels about it. Interviews with upset pedestrians and citizens that their beautiful city had been blighted by a blessing of Ifrit. But on moogle net there were quite a few people voicing their interest in learning more about this. Especially young people. It was strangely heartening in a way.

Nyx looked out his window at the large form of the fire-ash peeking out from behind the buildings. It's crown had grown around the main street of Insomnia and the Founder's Plaza along with a few other places. It looked like round islands of bronze and green in all the grey. Currently there were concerns flying around about how much light the lower districts were getting now with the tree blocking out much more of the sun than the buildings already had, but Nyx could already tell that somehow they now had even more light and that the air had become cleaner.

“You think the sinehär gisdrauhti will declare it a sacred sight?” Pelna asked no one in particular.

“Don't think so,” Crowe answered. “They would never declare something of Astral making sacred. Also, it's at a too inconvenient a place to set up a sacred sight. I give it until noon today at most until the children are climbing all over it.”

“No bet,” Libertus snorted, amused.

The sudden ringing from a phone made them all twitch. Libertus gave a quiet slew of curses and fished his phone out of his pocket, it's screen lit up and emitting a series of semi-melodic high pitched jingles. He answered in Lucian.

“Yeah? Ostium speaking. - Wait, how did you get your hands on this number? - Yeah, okay stop. What did you call me for? - Know what, get yourself over here and we'll talk about our training sessions. - Of course that's alright. Why wouldn't you be able to come down here? We didn't shut us off from the rest of the city, you know.” Libertus sighed and rolled his eyes before giving out the address for Nyx' apartment. “You know how to find it? - Good. See you in an hour then. And don't be late.”

“Did you just invite the Amicitia kid for food?” Nyx asked with a raised eyebrow.

Libertus stared down at his phone like he couldn't believe he had just done that. Suddenly, Nyx grinned.

“Admit it. The kid grew on you.”

His hunting-brother scowled and shoved Nyx in the shoulder. “Shut it, you.”

“But you don't deny it,” Nyx singsonged and ducked out of the way of the kitchen towel sailing his way.

Someone clapped their hands together to gain their attention. It was Crowe.

“Okay, playtime is over. If we want to eat at a reasonable time today, we need to start to clean up. No getting out of it Luche! Don't think I didn't see you try to sneak away. You can help Libertus in the kitchen.”

The bond's expression did not change eve a little bit as he walked over to the kitchenette, where Libertus had finally started to sort through the bags. As always, he had bought at least thrice as much as should be needed.

Nyx turned back towards his bed and started to resort the loose papers into their proper binders, all carefully labelled for easy manoeuvring. It was done relatively quickly, so after he was done, he went to help Crowe, who just shooed him away. So he just shrugged, turned the TV louder and retreated into a corner to mix some limeschti after his Clan's recipe.

“... live from the Founder's Plaza.”

“Thank you, Lucius. I'm here at the Founder's Plaza where you can see the very top of the fire-ash. It appeared yesterday precisely at high noon, causing a minor accident on the Insomnia Main Street and surprising the pedestrians here,” a female reporter in a muted green military styled blazer spoke into a microphone.

“They still harping on about that?” Libertus wondered out loud. “That's old news already!”

“Not for Insomnians,” Luche said. “You know they love to regurgitate things like that again and again, until no one wants to hear it anymore.”

“Thank you. And that was Julia Videte, life on-site. And now please welcome in our studio renown biologist Doctor Sania Yeagre. Thank you for coming, Doctor.”

The screen showed a woman in her early to mid thirties with dark skin and black, curly hair done into a bun on top of her head. Large glasses framed eyes that glinted with a childish enthusiasm rarely seen in adults.

“The pleasure is all mine,” she said, a bright smile on her face.

“What can you tell us about the general attributes of a fire-ash?”

“The Fraxinus Ifriti, commonly known as fire-ash, belongs to the olive family. Since the fall of Solheim this tree has become exceedingly rare, for a few centuries it was even considered extinct until they found a living specimen during the construction of the Tomb of the Fierce on Mt. Ravatogh. It also is the slowest growing tree on Eos, with barely half a centimetre per year. Studies also showed that its sap could be used as a strong curative.”

“Can I infer from the scientific name, that there is a connection to the Infernian?”

“No shit,” Libertus muttered, causing Nyx to snort.

Sania Yeagre, not at all perturbed by the leading question, nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! In some of the earliest botanical works we have today, it is listed as a symbol of Ifrit's blessing. Which is why the tree must have been very common during the existence of the Empire of Solheim. It is depicted in near every work of art we have left of that time.”

“Then the fire-ash that spontaneously sprouted from Little Galahd, can be seen as a sign of the Infernian blessing the Galahdian people?”

“I imagine so. This is a very rare opportunity. I returned to Insomnia as soon as I heard of the fire-ash's existence. Hopefully the Galahdian leader will let me study it.”

Nyx shared a look with Pelna, who had also finished cleaning up his papers. He stood by the door, papers and laptop crammed under one arm.

“I'll be back soon. Just need to put these away and get Tethys, Moireus and the girls. We'll also bring another table and some chairs. There's no way we'll fit all at this tiny thing you call your dining table, Nyx.”

“Hey. I haven't needed a bigger one until now.”

“Time to get a new one, then,” Pelna teased and slipped through the door.

Nyx scowled after him while Crowe and Libertus snickered and Luche's lips ticked up into a grin. A knock came from the open doorway. There stood Athina, her hand raised and a smile on her face. She looked gorgeous in the dark red tunic dress with a wide cream cloth belt.

“Athina!” Nyx exclaimed, surprised and joyous. “Come in. Can I offer you some tea?”

“Good day, Nyx. Thank you, that would be very appreciated,” she smiled.

She stepped into the apartment and towards the table that looked like nothing had changed for the last ten minutes. Still papers were everywhere but woe to the person who wanted to help Crowe clean up her mess.

“Can I help you? Four hands are faster then two,” Athina asked the other woman.

Nyx was about to open his mouth to tell the dark skinned woman that it was hopeless to ask, when Crowe squinted at her and nodded after a few seconds of staring, which Athina bore patiently. Libertus gave him a wide eyed look. Crowe never let people help her with cleaning. Never. Athina, not knowing what had just happened, just asked their storm-sister where which papers went and started to help as per her instructions.

Very deliberately Nyx turned around and reached around Luche to fetch another tea cup. His last one, since he only owned four. He poured the last of the tea he had made earlier, and earned himself a bright smile when he set it down at a spot of now paper free table. The answering smile growing on his face was more of a flirty smirk that made Crowe roll her eyes.

Not too long after that there was a roast in the microwave oven and Libertus had gone to fetch Crowe's to put the second roast in. Because one was apparently not enough with the amount of people who were suddenly coming. Pelna returned with Tethys and the children not too long after that, bearing a foldable table and chairs along with more dishes. Nyx sent them a grateful look.

“Nyx!” Moireus cried and barrelled into his legs to give him a tight hug around the waist.

“Buhgil! How have you been? My, have you grown taller?”

Nyx tousled the boys hair, which earned him a bright, toothy smile. “I grew this much!” He held his thumb and index finger about two centimetres apart. Nyx nodded, impressed.

He looked up and gave Tethys, Ker and Dione welcoming smiles. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for having us,” Tethys returned with a smile of her own.

“Don't mention it. I think Libertus' secret ambition for today is to feed the whole house with how much he bought.”

“I want to see the pretty tree!” Moireus spoke up, tugging at Nyx' trouser leg.

“You need to ask your parents that, buhgil. Maybe they'll take you tomorrow, if you're on your best behaviour this evening and go to bed without complaining.”

“I will!” the boy nodded eagerly and ran over to his mother to tell her, even though she had clearly heard every single word being spoken.

The TV was turned off and someone set up a CD player on his chest of drawers. At once a lively drumbeat filled the apartment along with their chatter and the smell of meat and steaming vegetables. It gave Nyx a sudden pang of homesickness. What would it be like to do something like this again in his Clan house? To fill it with voices and music and laughter? He hoped he would find out sometime soon.

Not long after everything was set up, the tables and chairs cramped into all the available free space, and they were just starting to set down the plates, there was another knock at the door – which, surprisingly enough, had been closed sometime during this endeavour. Nyx, who was closest, opened it.

#ffxv #born into the wilds #snippet #a pretty long one #they're having a dinner party for some reason #there's stuff to be done this chapter #and they decided to throw a dinner party #why?#*shakes head*#I love sania yeagre #so have her rambling about the fire-ash #geist writes

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smnthchrstn · 6 years ago

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All that you haven't answered!

i am much too lazy to go through and see what i haven’t responded to, so i’m just gonna do them all.

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Nope

2. Are relationships ever worth it? Probably

3. Are you a virgin? Okay see my other answers, this is a very long very rambly answer.

4. Are you in a relationship? Nope

5. Are you in love? Nope

6. Are you single this year? I spent a chunk of it in a relationship.

7. Can you commit to one person? Yep

8. Describe your crush I have two. And one’s old enough to be my mom and the other my much older sister. (Does this mean I have a chance with Kate McKinnon?)

9. Describe your perfect mate Someone who is kind, loyal, shares common interests with me, can enjoy a good meme and shares my love of food/can make a grilled cheese please I’m begging you. I just want a decent grilled cheese.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope, not one bit

11. Do you ever want to get married? Probably if the right person comes along

12. Do you forgive betrayal? No I don’t

13. Do you get jealous easily? No I don’t

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? I answered this above ^

15. Do you have any piercings? Nope

16. Do you have any tattoos? Nope

17. Do you like kissing in public? I live in a republican area so it scares me.

20. Do you shower every day? Yep

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Hard no.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe my cat if I’m lucky.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Absolutely

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No, but let fate change my mind.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? This year? Hard pass. Next year? We’ll see.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? No.

28. Have you ever been cheated on? I have

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? No

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Not on my body, but my hair I have.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Of course

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Of course

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Nope

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? See here.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yep

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Many

41. Have you had sex so far this year? “Sex”? No

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? My hands are always moving.

43. How long was your longest relationship? Like seven months, but it wasn’t “official”. So like, maybe four months?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? This question is complicated because I had a lot, but some of my most serious relationships haven’t had a label on them. I’ve dated like officially maybe four people? Unofficially maybe like seven? Six or seven? - three boyfriends and a partner.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? One.

46. How many times did you have sex last year? See my above answers about sexuality.

47. How old are you? 22

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I’m your mom, how dare you (to my cat. come on, i don’t give out these deets on tumblr)

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? I don’t have one :P

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? My first like actual love or my boyfriend? Because my first true love didn’t wrong me and my first boyfriend isn’t alive.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes, my friends. Specifically my best friend, Sabrina. Now she is a ride or die.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? I’ve given up on a lot of people. I’ve given up on some family this year and I’ve given up on the person I believed to be the love of my life because sometimes people hurt you and you think that’s okay because you love them and don’t want to hurt them. You’re basically sacrificing yourself for others and that’s not okay for you.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No, no one cares about what I do haha

54. Is there someone you will never forget? Always

55. Share a relationship story. This one time my ex partner drove me home on the fourth of July and no one else had been driving on the highway at that time. We were holding hands and listening to Celine Dion and I kept pointing out all the fireworks I could see from the highway with this childlike amazement. It was a movie moment and I have enough of those to fill a book. It was the beginning of a wild adventure, one that I’m sure I could’ve continued on for a very long time.

56. State 8 facts about your body 1) I have scars on my shoulders from a severe sunburn. 2) I have a freckle on my left wrist (heard from twitter that’s really gay) 3) I have a small triangular scar on my right hand from burning myself on the oven. 4) My shoulders are covered in freckles. 5) My eyes are “green with gold specks” 6) I’m somewhere around 5′7 or 5′8 7) My hair is naturally a dark blonde, but I’ve dyed it black and or brown for the past four years. 8) I had my hair chemically straightened when I was twelve. I did it twice, it was a long and painful process. I did it due to bullying and have since grown to learn how to deal with my wavy hair.

57. Things you want to say to an ex Yikes baby, you missed out on a lifetime of love and support. Big yikes.

58. What are five ways to win your heart? 1) Trust. Being able to trust you and know you aren’t going to just up and walk away one day. Knowing I can count on you, that we will both be here and amp each other up or celebrate each other’s accomplishments. 2) Attentive. Listening to everything you have to say and you listening to what I have to say. 3) Learning and growing together. Someone who over time wants to grow with me, not against me or before me or worrying about my life or what my next move is. Let me grow and let yourself grow and we will grow beautifully together. 4) Loyalty. Betrayal sucks. 5) This sounds really dumb but common interests are super important. I hope the next person I date likes the same stuff I do. That’s always worked out for me.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? I think two years. In my last relationship we were about 16 months apart in age. So I guess not quite two. But usually it’s two years older or two years younger.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? Eyes and hair.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Sexiest? I’m answering these out of order but see the foreplay question.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Doing something that is intimate for you, the other person, or both of you together. It can be defined in so many ways.

64. What is your definition of cheating? It isn’t just physical, cheating can be emotional and I think a lot of people let that slide. If you’re engaging with another person in a romantic or sexual sense emotionally or physically, that is cheating.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? Haha okay neck kissing. Neck kissing makes me weak. Certain places make me weak. Stomach, thighs, neck - yep. And for me on the other end, I like touching arms and shoulders and hands.

66. What is your favourite roleplay? I have never done that. Never did that with another person in that way. Surprisingly.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? If you like the person enough literally any scenario will be a perfect date.

68. What is your sexual orientation? My sexuality is lesbian and demisexual. And explained (for me) that means I’m gay and I won’t do anything intimate until I know the person’s soul and love them. (attraction develops with emotional bond for me)

69. What turns you off? Dirt under fingernails, overconfidence, instability toward others, impatience, mostly traits.

70. What turns you on? Trust, loyalty, kindness, tattoos, sensitivity to feelings.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? No kinky wet dreams here.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? “I love you” preferably lol always need that #reassurance

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? I’m extremely easy to impress. Like a playlist is the best way.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? None.

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Played me songs that reminded them of me or performed songs for me in the car that they meant for me. That used to be a favorite of mine.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? I used to write my ex notes and stick them to their fridge or in their bag to read when I left.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? When the younger person is older it feels more idk acceptable to me. Like a teenager and an adult, that’s not a consensual adult relationship I don’t approve of, of course. But I love older women (all women tbh) and could see it happening once I’m a bit older.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? It’s not really a secret but I love watching people smoke because it’s the hottest thing ever, even though I know it’s terrible.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Some family members harassed me on Christmas Eve and it made me jealous that they always seem to get away with questionable behavior. (More agitated than jealous)

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? My friend on her birthday.

81. Who are five people you find attractive? Sarah Paulson, Hannah Hart, Kate McKinnon, Kristen Stewart, and Courteney Cox.

82. Who is the last person you hugged? I have no idea.

83. Who was your first kiss with? My first boyfriend.

84. Why did your last relationship fail? The person I dated stopped loving me.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Yes

#long post #there's some not so suitable text in this but it is what it is #don't look if you don't want to see that #personal tag.#asks #thank you very much for asking this was a lot emotionally i didn't realize #alurous

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romcomathon2016 · 8 years ago

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How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (USA, 2003)

This week, not a special bonus edition of Romcomathon, but a regular edition featuring a special bonus GUEST!!!! Our friend Tillery passionately loves this movie, so we simply had to invite him to join us for this entry. In Tillery's own words, "You know how people have seen Star Wars like 20 times, and everyone talks about the movie that they've seen the most? This is the movie I've seen the most. I was once dumped on my birthday, but the actual worst thing that's ever happened to me was my disappointment that Fool's Gold was not a worthy follow-up to this movie." Tillery wanted to dress up for this event but, sadly, discovered that a Knicks jersey was probably too expensive an item to purchase for this one-off activity. Nor did he bring us a love fern. Shame on him.

Predictions: The three of us have all seen this movie several times. In fact, when Tillery eagerly accepted our invitation to join for movie night, he asked if he should bring the DVD or if we already had a copy, and we were like, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, in fact we already have two copies, thanks.” We predict that we will have a great time watching this film.

"For some reason I was thinking it was only 90 minutes, and I'm so happy that it's an hour and 55." -- Tillery, seeing the run time at the bottom of the screen.

Plot: First of all, if you haven't seen this movie, you really should. This movie is fantastic. It is funny. It is charming. It is incredibly well-constructed. BUT FINE, WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IN IT. (Tillery: "Even though you should already be watching it right now.")

Kate Hudson is a ~*~serious reporter~*~ who happens to currently work at, well, Cosmo, essentially, under Bebe Neuwirth, who insists that she write only frivolous "How To" articles, while Kate Hudson would prefer to be bringing peace to Tajikistan. Because that's what Tajikistan needs: a "How To" article. But one day, Kate Hudson's excessively pathetic friend/coworker Kathryn Hahn gets dumped yet again, because she is leading her excessively pathetic life in what appears to be an old lady's apartment (clearly murdered someone and stole their identity AND THEIR CLOTHES) and doesn’t know how to not terrify men, and Kate Hudson has a stroke of inspiration. Her next article will be “How To Kathryn-Hahn Your Way Out Of A Relationship,” or, as Bebe Neuwirth more succinctly names it, "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days."

Enter Matthew McConaughey, an ambitious advertising executive who's looking to stop selling athletic gear and start selling ~*~DIAMONDS~*~. He somehow finds his way into a bet with his boss (and his one-dimensional conniving colleagues) that he can make any woman fall in love with him, because APPARENTLY that is precisely the skill one needs to successfully advertise diamonds. Bit of a leap in logic? Sure. But we must accept this premise in order to move forward with this charming film, and so we shall.

That night, at the bar, both Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are scoping for prey. With a little nudge from Conniving Colleague #1, they find each other. They immediately hit it off and spend the rest of the evening together, during which they hatch their respective plans. Matthew McConaughey is playing the slow game, if you can call falling in love in 10 days slow. Kate Hudson intends to transform into a crazy person the very next day, driving him away as quickly as she can. Shenanigans ensue, for approximately the next week. Kate Hudson gets more and more psychotic, to the point that, if we were Matthew McConaughey, we might pursue a restraining order or seek to have her seen by a physician, while Matthew McConaughey does everything possible to accommodate her, including accompanying her to a Celine Dion concert and allowing her to name his penis. Yikes.

Eventually, Matthew McConaughey reaches his breaking point, and they almost break up, but then his coworkers persuade him to hang in there -- just four more days!!!! They go to couples therapy at Kathryn Hahn's apartment, and Fake Dr. Kathryn Hahn, to Kate Hudson's horror, encourages them to visit his family in Staten Island.

♫ Staten Island, where people fall in love! ♫

On Staten Island, we meet Matthew McConaughey's family, which is weird, because his accent up to this point would have led us to believe his family was in Texas. His mom also sounds pretty Southern. Where is this family from?? Maybe they...recently moved???? These linguistic quirks, however, do not bother Kate Hudson, who quickly bonds with his family over a game of Bullshit. "Oh no!" Kate Hudson realizes. "I'm lying to all these generous-spirited blue-collar folks!" And then a montage, in which she appears to have dropped her psychotic personality entirely, and falls in actual love with Matthew McConaughey. Kissing!

At the end of the weekend, however, they must return to the city, where their 10 days is up. Matthew McConaughey invites Kate Hudson to the...diamond party???? while Kate Hudson tries to persuade her boss to let her off the hook on the article. No such luck, of course. Bebe Neuwirth is a professional, and so are you, Kate Hudson. #journalistic integrity

Nonetheless, they attend the diamond party, and things seem to be going well at first. Matthew McConaughey's boss (a love expert, apparently) meets Kate Hudson and confirms that she is indeed in love with Matthew McConaughey, although she tries to deny it, because she knows that falling in love with someone after 10 days is utter insanity. Enraged by Matthew McConaughey's happiness and success, Conniving Colleagues #1 and #2 then trick his dumb coworkers into discussing the bet WITH KATE HUDSON. WHY SO DUMB, DUMB COWORKERS???? At the same time, an unwitting Bebe Neuwirth tells Matthew McConaughey what Kate Hudson is up to. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are both mad and make a ginormous scene, including an off-key duet of "You're So Vain." Kate Hudson storms off, and all is lost.

Soon after this, Kate Hudson turns in her article to Bebe Neuwirth. She has written the whole story, including the twist ending of, gee, maybe one shouldn’t casually torment others for magazine research. Bebe Neuwirth LOVES IT!!!! but she still won't let Kate Hudson write about Tajikistan, so Kate Hudson quits. Matthew McConaughey, magically basically at the exact right moment, reads this article and realizes that Kate Hudson really did love him. WELL, THEN. HE HAD BETTER LEAVE WORK AND RUSH TO HER SIDE IMMEDIATELY. What?? She's no longer employed at Essentially Cosmo???? She’s moving to DC?? He must chase her cab through New York City, dangerously bang on her window from his moving motorcycle, and force the poor cabbie to pull over so he can declare his love on the side of a bridge!!!! Yup. He does that. And then, they are together and everything is perfect, except for that poor cabbie, who has to just hang out while these two idiots work out their feelings.

Best Scene: The three of us are all huge fans of the Staten-Island sequence. Kat and Alex's favorite part is the shower scene, in which Kate Hudson talks about her feelings, and then they make out. Tillery, on the other hand, wept (twice -- we did some instant replay) at the Bullshit scene preceding this, when Matthew McConaughey's blue-collar mom hugs Kate Hudson and tells her not to break Matthew McConaughey's heart. (Apparently, prior to this moment, Kate Hudson had not considered that he was a human being who might have feelings. What a beautiful sociopath.) Non-Staten-Island runner-up: the scene where Kate Hudson attacks Matthew McConaughey and names his penis. So funny, you guys. So insane, but so funny.

Worst Scene: Because all the bizarre shit that happens in this movie is fairly well-justified, there really aren't any full scenes that we don't like, but there was a moment in the bar when Matthew McConaughey was unnecessarily rude about a fat girl. We did not like that.

Best Line: "Tone-deaf and drunk is not a good combination." -- Matthew McConaughey's coworker, cringing at the Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson duet. Runner-up: "Our kids are really...attractive." -- Matthew McConaughey, when Kate Hudson shows him the truly horrifying, Photoshop-composited faces of their future children. Not so much the line itself, but the combination of the visual and the delivery. Is pretty fabulous.

Worst Line: Besides the fat-shaming moment we already mentioned, pretty much every line of this movie is fucking amazing. Even the side characters have such fantastic little zingers. We maybe did get a teeny, tiny bit embarrassed for Kate Hudson when she said, "I meant every word," near the end on the bridge, but, even that, we were mostly willing to buy.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: "This man won an Oscar." -- Alex, marveling (not for the first time on this blog) at Matthew McConaughey's, you know, existence. "If comedies were more respected, his role in this deserves an Oscar." -- Tillery, in response. "Look at these two Knicks lunatics!" -- Alex, appreciating Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson's obvious compatibility. "Yes, they belong together. No one else wants these people." -- Tillery, in response, really earning his nonexistent fee for being here tonight.

How Many POC in the Film: Kate Hudson's upbeat coworker. One of Matthew McConaughey's conniving colleagues. Various people at newsstands, in kitchens, on the street, and at the party. Most of the Knicks.

Alternate Scenes: This movie is perfect as it is. However, we would be curious to see a 2017 adaptation, in which Kate Hudson, instead of moving to DC, just goes home and starts a blog. We would also watch a sequel about Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey's domestic bliss, but only if it featured a scene in which Kate Hudson discovered blogging in approximately 2005.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Worse. The poster begs the question of why you would put a blonde person in a yellow dress against a yellow background. The movie shows us that, in fact, blonde Kate Hudson, at least, looks amazing in this yellow dress. Also, as Tillery helpfully points out, the tagline on this poster is, "One of them is lying. So is the other," which, seriously. This could be the tagline for almost any movie.

Score: 10 out of 10 ~*~serious reporter~*~ smooches. This movie, you guys!!!! Kate Hudson is fantastic. Matthew McConaughey is fantastic. And they are both such appropriately motivated people, with non-romantic goals that come PERFECTLY into conflict. It's amazing.

Ranking: 2, out of the 76 movies we’ve seen so far!!!! It was surprisingly close, dear readers, between this and Bridget Jones's Diary! We’ve always loved this movie, but doing such a detailed watch-and-commentary on it really highlighted for us anew how perfect it really is. Let’s say “really” some more. Really.

Thanks for joining us, Tillery! If any of our readers would like to further read Tillery's hilarious commentary on the world, he can occasionally be found on Twitter. Follow him, guys! He is a delight. Also, if you invite him over to watch a movie, he'll probably cry. If only Titanic were a romantic comedy -- he would 1000% be our first choice as a guest on that entry.

#how to lose a guy in 10 days #kate hudson #matthew mcconaughey #2003

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spaceorphan18 · 8 years ago

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A Kurt and Blaine Fan’s Very Serious Guide to Glee

Are you a fan of Kurt, Blaine or Klaine? Are you thinking about rewatching Glee and aren’t sure what episodes to savor and what episodes to skip? Well -- I have just the guide for you.

Season 1

Pilot: Introduction to the show. Apparently, Kurt is not the main character, or the secondary main character. Blaine does not exist. Kurt sings Mr. Cellophane and is sassy. He also gets thrown in a dumpster.

3/10 Stars**

(Stars are based on how much Kurt and/or Blaine are in the episode, and have no bearing on quality of the episode. Y’all should know that I’m good with my scientific evaluation of these episodes by now.)

Showmance: Kurt sits in the background and has less sassy remarks.

1/10 Stars

Acafellas: Kurt comes out to Mercedes and shows he’s more of a man than Will will ever be.

8/10 Stars

Preggers: Kurt comes out to his dad, scores the game winning goal in the football game, rocks out to Beyonce in a leotard, and proves he’s by far the most interesting character on this show.

10/10 Stars

The Rhodes Not Taken: Kurt cries when Kristin Chenoweth sings, and throws up on Emma’s shoes.

2/10 Stars

Vitamin D: Kurt wears cool sunglasses, and sides with the girls.

2/10 Stars

Throwdown: Sue refers to Kurt as gay kid.

1/10 Stars

Mash-Up: Kurt throws a slushie in his own face.

1/10 Stars

Wheels: Kurt challenges Rachel to a diva-off, and throws the high note in Defying Gravity to protect his father. We are all emotional.

10/10 Stars

Ballad: Kurt and Finn bond over their dead parents.

9/10 Stars

Hairography: Kurt makes over Rachel and wants to stuff a sock in her mouth.

7/10 Stars

Mattress: Kurt spouts off exposition to set up the plot.

1/10 Stars

Sectionals: Kurt, um, goes to Sectionals because they need 12 people.

1/10 Stars

Hell-O: Kurt gets a slushie in his face while walking with Rachel and Mercedes.

1/10 Stars

The Power of Madonna: Kurt and Mercedes make over Sue for the greater good. They become cheerleaders.

9/10 Stars

Home: Kurt sets up Carole and Burt, but is sad when Finn and Burt begin to bond, making him feel left out. It’s tragic. Pretty Kurt cries.

10/10 Stars

Bad Reputation: Kurt is a badass, posts Sue’s Physical video online, distracts people in the library, and tells Sue the truth.

8/10 Stars

Laryngitis: Kurt dresses like red-neck trucker, makes out with Brittany, tries to lower his voice an octave, and then sings a really angsty Gypsy song, and is generally glorious.

11/10 Stars

Dream On: Kurt is excited about bedazzled shit. Has no lines.

1/10 Stars

Theatricality: Kurt dresses up like Lady Gaga, stands up to bullies, sets up a love nest for Finn, and very theatrically kicks over a chair.

10/10 Stars

Funk: Kurt sings a 12 minute Celine Dion medley in French for the Cheerios. We don’t get to see it.

2/10 Stars

Journey to Regionals: Kurt, um, goes to regionals because they need 12 people.

1/10 Stars

Season 2

Audition: Kurt gets a slushy to his face. Becomes a main character - only not in this episode

1/10 Stars

Britney/Brittany: Kurt is very sassy about Britney Spears

3/10 Stars

Grilled Cheesus: Burt almost dies of a heart attack and Kurt is very sad. Sings I Want to Hold Your Hand, and we all cry. Also religion.

10/10 Stars

Duets: Kurt sings a duet with himself, which is vocal masturbation. Also sings a duet with Rachel, which is just a duet.

10/10 Stars

The Rocky Horror Glee Show: Kurt dresses up as RiffRaff and hides in the background

1/10 Stars

Never Been Kissed: BLAINE ARRIVES AND ALL IS GLORIOUS YES WE ARE ALL HERE FOR THIS!

10/10 Stars

The Substitute: Kurt and Blaine going on a date to Breadstix. Mercedes is also there.

6/10 Stars

Furt: Kurt and Finn’s parents get married and everyone is all one big happy mashed-up family.

10/10 Stars

Special Education: Kurt joins the warblers and gets a pet bird

8/10 Stars

A Very Glee Christmas: Kurt and Blaine sing a flirty Christmas song to each other that has nothing to do with anything else in the episode.

4/10 Stars

The Sue Sylvester Shuffle: Blaine loves football. Kurt loves scarves. They’re both mostly ignored because too gay to be after the Superbowl

2/10 Stars

Silly Love Songs: Kurt and Blaine pretend to be Harry and Sally. Blaine thinks he’s in love with Jeremiah because he’s dumb and doesn’t know he’s really in love with Kurt.

10/10 Stars

Comeback: Kurt and Blaine are not in this episode. I think it’s about Justin Beiber. They’re probably grateful they missed it.

0/10 Stars

Blame it on the Alcohol: Blaine still hasn’t figured out he’s in love with Kurt. Gets very drunk and makes out with Rachel instead. Kurt gets snarky.

10/10 Stars

Sexy: Blaine is sexy. Kurt tries to be sexy. Blaine talks to Burt about sex. Burt talks to Kurt about sex. The Warblers have a giant foam party.

9/10 Stars

Original Song: Kurt’s bird dies. Blaine figures out he’s in love with Kurt. They kiss and are interrupted by a giant red piano. Also Candles.

12/10 Stars

A Night of Neglect: The show neglects Kurt and Blaine are on it. Stick them in a scene with Karofsky and Santana because all the gays together.

1/10 Stars

Born This Way: Kurt comes back to McKinley. Tells everyone they should be themselves. Blaine serenades Kurt in the court yard. It’s all very romantic. Barbra Streisand is not in a mall in Ohio.

10/10 Stars

Rumours: People think Kurt is secretly dating Sam. These people are dumb because he’s not. He’s dating Blaine. Sometimes the truth is what’s actually standing in front of you.

5/10 Stars

Prom Queen: Kurt rocks an epic look for prom. Is voted Prom Queen. Blaine asks him to dance. It is glorious.

10/10 Sparkly Stars

Funeral: Kurt and Finn help Sue plan her sister’s funeral. Also Kurt auditions to be the star -- but fails because Lea Michele and Ryan Murphy are bff.

6/10 Stars

New York: Kurt and Rachel decide that they’re going to go New York forever. They sing on a Broadway stage. Kurt decides Blaine will come with. Also - I love you.

6/10 Stars

Season 3

The Purple Piano Project: Kurt and Blaine eye-fuck each other in the Lima bean because they aren’t actually having sex yet. Blaine transfers to McKinley, which is a totally great idea and has no repercussions whats so ever. Blaine serenades Kurt in the courtyard round 2.

10/10 Stars

I Am Unicorn: Kurt proves he’s the most unicorn of all the unicorns. Blaine becomes a junior.

10/10 Stars

Asian F: Kurt gives Blaine flowers.

2/10 Stars

Pot o Gold: Kurt runs for student council. Blaine sings a solo.

3/10 Stars

The First Time: KURT AND BLAINE HAVE SEX AND IT’S ALL GLORIOUS!!!

50/10 Stars

Mash Off: Kurt tries to ban dodgeball. Blaine plays supportive boyfriend.

4/10 Stars

I Kissed a Girl: Kurt looses the student election. Blaine plays supportive boyfriend.

4/10 Stars

Hold Onto 16: Kurt is snarky with Sebastian. Blaine beats up a punching bag.

4/10 Stars

Extraordinary Merry Christmas: Kurt and Blaine host a Christmas party in their bachelor chalet in the Swiss Alps. Blaine sorta proposes to Kurt, but it is cut “for time”.

10/10 Stars

Yes/No: Kurt and Blaine look at each other. Yup. That’s what happens.

1/10 Stars

Michael: Blaine pretends to be a pirate. Kurt and Blaine sit three feet apart not on the bed because too gay.

8/10 Stars

The Spanish Teacher: Kurt totally would not ever, no ever say yes to Blaine’s proposal. Blaine recovers from being a pirate.

2/10 Stars

Heart: Kurt is stalked by a giant gorilla. Blaine returns from his recovery.

7/10 Stars

On My Way: Kurt cries himself through the episode. Blaine stays quiet.

5/10 Stars

Big Brother: COOPER ANDERSON! A man in a dress is dead

10/10 Stars

Saturday Night Gleever: Kurt and Blaine are more than a woman to each other. Kurt and Mercedes befriend Unique.

4/10 Stars

Dance With Somebody: OH NO FIGHTS AND ANGST AND OH NO! But everything works out and Kurt serenades Blaine and stops putting bronzer in Blaine’s moisturizer.

10/10 Stars

Choke: Kurt auditions for NYADA. Blaine is a supportive boyfriend. Also no more candles.

7/10 Stars

Promasaurus: Kurt and Blaine decided to go to an anti-prom, then real prom. Blaine takes out the gel in his hair. Supposedly a lot of after prom sex, but we don’t see any of it because censors.

8/10 Stars

Props: Finn and Puck pretend to be Kurt and Blaine. Kurt and Blaine pretend to be Snooki and The Situation

5/10 Stars

Nationals: Kurt and Blaine, um, go to nationals because they need 12 people.

1/10 Stars

Goodbye: Kurt says goodbye to everyone but Blaine. Blaine is still sad. Kurt is sad because he doesn’t get into NYADA.

9/10 Stars.

Season 4

The New Rachel: Kurt lounges around Lima before going to New York. Blaine is sassy. Blaine serenades Kurt in the courtyard round 3.

7/10 Stars

Britney 2.0: Blaine catches Britney talking to herself. Kurt fills Rachel in on the exposition.

3/10 Stars

Makeover: Kurt gives Rachel a makeover, gets a job at Vogue.com, and ignores his boyfriend. Blaine runs for student council and wins. Blaine is sad.

9/10 Stars

The Break Up: KURT AND BLAINE BREAK UP THIS IS THE WORST EVER!!

-15/10 Stars

The Role You Were Born to Play: Blaine gets to be a literal angel, but cries about his break up for one scene. Kurt watches The Notebook and takes ambien, but off screen.

1/10 Stars

Glease: Kurt and Blaine silently angst at each other.

2/10 Stars

Dynamic Duets: Blaine gets to be a super hero and learns to forgive himself. Also becomes bff with Sam. Kurt is drinking Rachel’s Kool-Aide off screen.

10/10 Stars

Thanksgiving: Rachel brain washes Kurt into staying in New York instead of going home. Isabelle talks sense into him. Kurt and Blaine have a phone call and it’s sad but it’s good.

4/10 Stars

Swan Song: Blaine becomes a cheerleader. Kurt sings his way into NYADA

5/10 Stars

Glee, Actually: Burt gives Blaine as a present to Kurt. Kurt and Blaine may or may not sleep together.

8/10 Stars

Sadie Hawkins: Blaine gets a crush on Sam. Kurt gets a crush on Adam. Both ignore that they’re still in love with each other. Trent Warbler comes back.

9/10 Stars

Naked: Kurt does not get naked. Blaine gets semi-naked.

3/10 Stars

Diva: Kurt takes down Rachel and it’s satisfying. Blaine gets steamrolled by Tina.

10/10 Stars

I Do: Kurt and Blaine sing a flirty love duet, make out in a car, and have sex in a hotel room. But they’re only friends.

10/10 Stars

Girls and Boys on Film: Kurt has a fantasy about Blaine. Adam takes Kurt to a romantic film, and he’s mysteriously never seen again.

8/10 Stars

Feud: Blaine is not on the bottom. Not really. Blaine infiltrates Sue’s cheerios. Kurt’s upset because Santana took his pillow.

7/10 Stars

Guilty Pleasures: Kurt sleeps with Bruce, and watches a lot of TV. Blaine sings Phil Collins. They throw the magical, golden hoola-hoop of destiny to each other.

10/10 Stars

Shooting Star: Blaine quietly stays out of the plot. Kurt quietly stays out of the episode.

.5/10 Stars

Sweet Dreams: Blaine tries to take over New Directions, but Will yells at him. Even when he’s right. Kurt bakes cookies.

2/10 Stars

Lights Out: Kurt goes to the ballet. Blaine does an exercise routine.

3/10 Stars

Wonderful: Kurt returns to Lima to make sure Burt is okay. Blaine decides to buy a ring for Kurt. All is wonderful.

9/10 Stars

All or Nothing: Blaine meets delightful lesbians. Kurt and Blaine go on a double date with the delightful lesbians. Blaine buys a ring.

6/10 Stars

Season 5

Love, Love, Love: KURT AND BLAINE GET BACK TOGETHER AND BLAINE PROPOSES AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL!

100/10 Stars

Tina in the Sky with Diamonds: Blaine sings a Beatles song at a piano. Kurt sings a Beatles song on top of a piano.

4/10 Stars

The Quarterback: Finn dies. Everyone is sad.

10/10 Stars

A Katy or a Gaga: Blaine is a Katy trying to be a Gaga. Kurt is a Gaga feeling intimidated by another Gaga.

8/10 Stars

The End of Twerk: Blaine shakes his booty. Kurt gets a tattoo and a tongue ring. They have Skype sex.

9/10 Stars

Movin’ Out: Blaine doesn’t want to go to NYADA. Kurt says come to NYADA. Blaine goes to NYADA.

8/10 Stars

Puppet Master: Blaine plays with puppets. Kurt doesn’t want to be a puppet.

10/10 Stars

Previously Unaired Christmas: This episode does not exist.

Invisible Stars

Frenemies: Kurt finally makes a friend. Blaine becomes valedictorian.

7/10 Stars

Trio: Blaine hangs out with Sam and Tina, and does not fondle their boobs. Kurt starts his second cover band.

8/10 Stars

City of Angels: Blaine is the only one who reads the show choir blogs. Kurt is distraught about the end of a glee club he hasn’t been in in two years. Wait. It’s still one at this point.

6/10 Stars

100: Kurt sings Defying Gravity again, and this time hits the note. Blaine implies to April that he and Kurt have already engaged in sodomy.

7/10 Stars

New Directions: Tina fantasizes about Kurt and Blaine making out. Kurt and Blaine reveal that they are not adopting a Russian baby. Quinn offers her egg instead. And after 84,000 years, Blaine finally gets to graduate.

10/10 Stars

New New York: Kurt and Blaine get to be all grown up and stuff. They fight, they make up, and they even are allowed to talk about having sex. Everything is perfect even if it’s not.

10/10 Stars

Bash: Kurt is Kurt from All the Other Ghosts. Blaine is sad.

10/10 Stars

Tested: Blaine falls in love with cronuts. Kurt is jealous. Kurt is badass. Blaine is jealous. They both will always love each other. Swords.

10/10 Stars

Opening Night: Kurt and Blaine love everyone at the bar. Sue has sex on their bed.

8/10 Stars

The Back Up Plan: An old lady tells Blaine he’ll be a star if he drops Kurt. SHE’S A WITCH BLAINE STOP!!

10/10 Stars

Old Dogs, New Tricks: Kurt mysteriously develops a love for old people, dogs, and fairy tales. Blaine is mysteriously sidelined.

10/10 Stars

The Untitled Rachel Berry Project: Blaine and Brittany get a more revealing sex scene with each other in someone’s fantasy than they do with Kurt and Santana. Kurt and Blaine decided to trust and love each other through everything, which totally sets up season 6.

10/10 Stars

Season 6

Loser Like Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY BROKE UP AGAIN THIS IS SO STUPID!! (Actually, it’s very good. Except the Karofsky part.)

10/10 Stars

Homecoming: Kurt and Blaine decide to be teachers.

8/10 Stars

Jagged Little Tapestry: Kurt pines over Blaine. The show makes him a music video.

9/10 Stars

The Hurt Locker 1: Sue has a shrine to Klaine that in no way resembles the audience. Kurt likes old people so much, he tries to date one. Blaine has a bear in his apartment.

9/10 Stars

The Hurt Locker 2: Kurt and Blaine are locked in an elevator with a bathroom.

10/10 Stars

What the World Needs Now: Blaine sings for Brittany and Santana. Kurt takes joy that the Karofsky plot line is almost over.

2/10 Stars

Transitioning: Kurt manipulates fate. Blaine kisses him because their lips are magnetically pulled towards each other.

8/10 Stars

A Wedding: Kurt and Blaine decide being broken up is stupid and get married instead.

10.5/10

Child Star: Kurt and Blaine are on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see it.

0/10 Stars

The Rise and Fall of Sue Sylvester: Kurt and Blaine learn that the writers like Jane Lynch better than them.

3/10 Stars

We Built This Glee Club: A piano blows up. Blaine thinks it’s pretty.

4/10 Stars

2009: Pilot redo. Kurt is a main character this time. Kurt and Blaine don’t cross paths.

10/10 Stars

Dreams Come True: Kurt and Blaine go off to be a success on Broadway and have a baby girl and live happily ever after just like every fluffy fanfic ever.

10/10 Stars

The End

#klaine #kurt hummel #blaine anderson

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