#i want compensation for the emotional pain this has caused me

[aonemanarmy]

The look of surprise in Vincent's eyes didn't escape Sephiroth's notice, although he didn't understand why the gunman would react in that particular manner. Emotions had always been a difficult thing for the madman to comprehend beyond their most rudimentary form, which left all forms of expression he might've expressed largely flat and off-putting. It was unnecessary though, because from as far back as he could remember he'd always been told that emotions were things meant for humans, not things.

Not him.

Perhaps that was why he lacked the capacity to understand Vincent's line of reasoning. Sephiroth knew Shinra and what they were capable of and while he was intelligent enough to realize not every paper pusher or bean counter might've committed atrocities directly, the metaphorical blood was still on their hands because at the end of the day they had a choice. None of Shinra's countless employees were forced to do the corporation's bidding, but they had chosen to do so of their own volition and they could've resigned at any time. They didn't though, and that was what made them different.

So it was laughable that the ex-Turk would suggest they didn't have a choice. There were other jobs to be done in the world not related to the company, but they had taken the easy way out at every turn heedless of who or what may have suffered because of it. Sephiroth wasn't the slightest bit surprised as it was in human nature to avoid hardship, but it was nonetheless disappointing.

“Here I had thought that Shinra employees chose to sign their own contracts.” He said dryly, his expression remaining as immovable as stone as he spoke. “I had not thought that Shinra forced them to work while compensating them with paychecks out of the kindness of their heart. It is really quite touching the stark difference then between the two of us.”

Sephiroth had never been given a choice. If he had been ordered to do a task then he did that task regardless if he wanted to or not and if he refused all that awaited him was further pain and suffering with no compensation whatsoever even when he complied. He had been caged like a beast, allowed nothing of his own that the company didn't grant him and which they would gleefully take away should he disobey. As such, he didn't have a single item to his name that they didn't own, not even his own freedom...until now.

“As a Turk I had thought that killing was part of your position, so what difference does it make? Do you think yourself merciful sparing other killers who would hold no hesitation in doing the same thing to you?”

While not a part of the Turks Sephiroth knew of the department and what Shinra used them for. They were corporate muscle, used for all of the underhanded and less than palatable jobs that needed to be done. In that vein it wasn't uncommon for their organization to delve into everything from bodyguard work, blackmail, and threats to extreme causes involving beatings, torture, and even assassinations. The Turks were criminals in everything but name and they hid it all behind the veneer of pressed suits and corporate smiles.

It disgusted him.

“Besides, I had thought after all that has been said and done that you already had plenty of blood on your hands. So what does any more matter?”

The not so subtle jab made at him didn't even sway Sephiroth in the slightest. It wasn't the first time that humans had thought themselves to be above him and it certainly wouldn't be the last. The difference was that he knew that he was different and he had never lied to himself about that fact or tried to dress it up as anything else than what it was. Thanks to Jenova he now knew that he was the rightful inheritor of the Planet, its savior, and he would fulfill that destiny whether the humans fought the inevitable or not.

“I am aware of what your kind think of me.” There was no emotion in his voice as he held the ex-Turk's gaze, his own unwavering as it bore into Vincent. “You like to think that you are better, when in reality I am the monster that you have created.”

'After all, where were you back then?'

'Where were you when I needed you most?'

'You were never there.'

'Now like all the rest of them you blame me for it all.'

The accusatory thoughts flowed unbidden through his maddened mind, their words like jagged glass that ripped and tore at what small shreds of sanity Sephiroth had left. It was an avenue of thought he usually avoided just for that reason, even if he wasn't consciously aware of that fact. All because it opened up an old wound that had never truly healed, one that stemmed all the way back from the young and broken boy that he had been all those long years ago and that still cried out for mercy in the depths of his fractured psyche.

Sephiroth shrugged, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he lifted his gaze skyward, noticing the break in the clouds. “Where were your fears back all those years ago? Why did you not end me back then when it would actually have counted?”

The night wore on, and as the two made there way up the mountains through the snow, morning had begun to break, eventually casting a light glow over the land. However, it didn't give off its usual warmth. Even the sun's warmth was in competition with the impending terror that was wading through the snow and towards the Whirling Maze. Even the planet itself seemed to tremble the closer Sephiroth and Vincent approached their destination. It seemed all but certain the planet would meet its demise. Vincent could feel the planet's pulse grow stronger, tugging at his chest as if begging him not to move further. But if he were to spare the lives of those he cared about, he had no choice but to follow the planet's most feared enemy, knowing he was also now an accomplice.

All the while, neither of them spoke a word even though both were hyper aware of one another's presence. One was tirelessly hastening towards his goal with reckless abandon, while the other was feeling the weight of every footstep getting heavier, and more blood stained the closer their destination became. Vincent's mind was trying to puzzle the pieces together, contemplating what all would befall Cloud and the others once they did meet up.

No matter how one could spin it, the fact that Vincent was now serving as a protector of Cloud's and the planet's worst enemy, not to mention his friend's murderer... it spelled betrayal on a level that would have put Cait Sith aka Reeve to shame. If the entire party turned against him, so be it. Perhaps it would be better in the long run for their sake. Vincent had sworn to never get close to anyone again. But here he was worrying about the bond he had with his friends, especially Cloud-- the fragility of life, friendship, and forgiveness. If things went exactly the way Sephiroth and Jenova intended, Vincent would lose them all, including Lucrecia. Even if they managed to defeat Sephiroth and Jenova, the planet was already on the verge of death. Sephiroth was merely enabling and hastening the inevitable. And once the planet had had enough, he would still be left alone, and Lucrecia's spirit would be lost to the abyss along with every other soul Vincent had ever cared about. So why was he going through with this...?

At this time, the snow had all but vanished, being exchanged for some more harsh winds that threatened to cast off any and all over the depths of the canyon. No sane individual would cross such a dangerous path. The essence of death was growing stronger from within the caverns of the Maze, indicating to Vincent that several had made this place their resting place. He could already tell it would soon become a tomb for countless hooded figures, should they dare to venture further in pursuit of Sephiroth.

Vincent's thoughts were diverted once he heard Sephiroth's voice, guiding his attention to the large edifices and winding path before them. Though he had never ventured into this place before, Sephiroth’s words told him everything he needed to know when it came to how close their destination was. The sinking feeling was more keen than ever.

Vincent watched as Sephiroth turned towards him, crimson and mako colors clashing in a brief moment of mild confusion. The question wasn't exactly surprising. But the genuine curiosity got Vincent's attention more than the question itself. Why did Sephiroth care? Was this just a ploy to pull out any weakness from the gunslinger? Or was Sephiroth actually curious about what made Vincent a sympathizer instead of a cold-blooded murderer?

For a moment, Vincent stared at Sephiroth, a hint of surprise in his eyes before he decided to answer. "Not all who bear the mark of Shinra are mindless killers. Humans aren't that simple." Vincent began, looking off the side to look at the canyons around them, or perhaps he was sparing himself Sephiroth's gaze. "Sometimes... they don't have a choice when it comes to committing atrocities. Just like when you didn't have a choice to become what you are today." Perhaps Sephiroth could understand that much, but even then, Vincent knew it would have been ludicrace to hope for Sephiroth to have any sympathy for humans at this point.

"If I didn't spare them, then it would be easier to take the lives of many more." In essence, he would become numb to killing. He furrowed his brow and shut his eyes for a moment, keeping some thoughts to himself, the wind tossing his hair and cloak in a chilling breeze.

A moment later, he lifted his head and allowed their eyes to join once again, a slight hint of determination in his gaze. "...and should I fail to quell the beast inside, I would become no different... than you."

[ifyoucandaniel]

i’m at work and there are just big fat tears pouring down my face @otrtbs i deserve financial compensation for the way this absolutely wrecked me. this took the wind outta me 😭😭 like i expected the rosekiller angst with reg’s death, BUT NOT JAMES BABY i wasn’t prepared for the pain of ahb james

[ponderingmoonlight]

Meeting your ex jjk boyfriend again after your breakup

Pairings: Gojo x fem!reader; Toji x fem!reader

Word Count: 3,1 k

Warnings: cheating in gojo's part, overwhelming emotions in every part lol

Well that escalated quickly. If you want a part two with Geto, Sukuna, Chose and/or someone else let me know 🤍

Gojo Satoru

You hate to be here. Just the thought of seeing his face again makes your guts turn. When was the last time you encountered each other?

When he was with her.

“Don’t panic, I’m here with you. Remember?”, Utahime mutters into your ear while walking up those cursed steps towards jujutsu high.

“I thought I’d never have to see that jerk’s face again…”

“Well, not when you’re the second strongest. Don’t let that idiot ruin your mood.”

You sign to yourself, gaze drifting over your beloved students.

When you found out your long-term boyfriend Gojo Satoru cheated on you with none other than Mei Mei, you dropped out of Tokyo Jujutsu High immediately. It was Utahime who took you under her wing and made you the teacher you are today – at Kyoto High.

Those past two years, you really managed to stay away from him. After changing your phone number countless times, after searching day and night for a place to live that he won’t find so easily, you finally lived in peace. Far away from the pain he caused, well distracted from your still messed-up feelings.

But now you’re back. And you will be forced to meet that prick.

“There they come”, Nobara mutters while her gaze drifts over every person that comes into frame.

“Hey, who’s that woman over there?”

“That’s (y/n), a former student here at Jujutsu High. She attended the same class as Gojo-sensei. Right now, she’s working as a teacher at Kyoto High”, Megumi explains briefly.

“Former? Why isn’t she here anymore? I’d love to borrow those boots from here. Damn, that outfit really rocks…”

“There have been some…incidents with Gojo-sensei…”

Nobara’s eyes widen in pure curiosity, her eyes scanning you up and down.

“Her, with that white-haired idiot?”

“What are my lovely students talking about?”

Megumi rolls his eyes out of instinct when the tall man comes to a stand behind them.

“Oh look, the students from Kyoto High arrives with their tea-“

His breath gets stuck in your throat when your eyes make contact with his. How long has it been since he last saw you?

You look…flawless. Your hair a little longer than in his imagination, your body well-built by the countless training hours you might have spent over there at Kyoto High.

But your cold gaze is still the same as on that fateful day that still repeats itself over and over inside his head.

Fuck.

“Look who’s there”, he jeers from afar.

You feel like vomiting all over the floor. Were you really dumb enough to think your feelings just disappeared into thin air? You force your eyes away from him and to stare at his students instead. You just need to get those few days over with. Only those couple hours and you’ll get away with not seeing him for another 2 years.

“Shut up, Gojo”, Utahime warns him next to you.

“It’s nice to see you’re still as weak as before, Utahime! I wonder if you’re still crying all the time-“

"Funny, Gojo. It's nice to see your arrogance is still compensating for your insecurities. Some things never change."

The air around you freezes when those words leave your mouth, everyone around you going silent in an instant. It’s only you and him. Him with that suddenly so hardened expression, you with eyes that spit venom his way.  

“Why don’t you save your breath for someone who cares and just leave us alone until the competition starts?”

"Touché. But if you're going to psychoanalyze me, how about we do it somewhere private? We have some catching up to do."

There it is again. That cheeky smile you know painfully well, the way he tilts his head to the side oh so playfully. Your heart wrenches, bleeds out like it did on that day you saw him.

In Mei Mei’s bedroom.

While she was naked.

“I’d rather die, asshole.”

Without gifting him another look you storm away. Towards the main building, as far away as possible without anyone being able to follow you.

Fuck, you swore to yourself you are over this shit. You shouldn’t care about him, shouldn’t even feel bothered by looking at him anymore. Only one glance at him and you’re completely losing it? You thought you were better than this, stronger than you were two years ago. But apparently, nothing changed. You’re still crying over someone who betrayed you in the nastiest way possible.

A gentle grasp on your wrist rips you out of your nightmares and catapults you in an even worse one.

“Let go of me”, you hiss through gritted teeth when his bright blue eyes meet yours.

"I definitely won’t make that mistake again. You can run all you want, but you know we need to talk. You can’t keep avoiding this... or me.”

You yank your wrist away with full force when something inside you snaps.

"Talk? About what, Gojo? How you always think you can just waltz back into my life whenever it suits you? I’m done with your games."

„Stop calling me Gojo like we’re strangers. Just hear me out-“

"Strangers? That’s what we are now, Gojo. Whatever we had, it’s over. You don’t get to decide when I listen to you."

Fuck, you hate the way tears start to burn in your eyes, how his sheer presence shakes you right to your core. Truth is, you never stopped loving him. Not even when he abused your trust like he did, not even when you caught him with Mei Mei that day. Until now, your stupid heart didn’t get the message, still clings onto him for dear life.

And it hurts like hell.

Gojo takes a deep breath in and takes a step towards you.

"Please, just listen. That night - it wasn’t what you think. I was trying to protect you, but I messed up by keeping you in the dark. I would never betray you like that. You have to believe me."

"Protect me? I saw you in Mei Mei’s room. If that wasn’t what it looked like, then explain why you were there. Don’t expect me to just forget what I saw and the way it made me feel. As if your fucking words mean everything!"

You lose it completely, your composure, those rough years of keeping you together. In that second, you lose yourself.

“That night she called me because she told me about a special grade curse that was hunting after you. I entered her room just seconds before you stumbled in. If I had known this, that she only tries to entertain herself with spreading that fucking misunderstanding between us, I would have never-“

“Have you any idea how I felt that day? You…You were my life, Satoru! I would have died for you! And you didn’t even care enough to follow me!”, you now cry out seething with emotion

“I thought I was doing the right thing!”, he shouts so roughly that you flinch.  

“I thought you needed space, that we’ll talk things out when you didn’t respond countless times. I never thought…that you’d actually believe I was cheating on you! You meant everything to me too, and the thought of losing you, of not even knowing where you were, has been killing me. I’m so sorry for not chasing after you. Until this day, there’s nothing I regret more than giving you space in that fucking moment, I should have fought harder to make things right. Fuck, I missed you every single day since you were gone and it kills me, it fucking kills me I can’t call you mine anymore!”

Are those…tears glistening in his eyes. Is that really Gojo Satoru, standing in front of you, crying?

“Seeing you like this… I don’t know if it makes things better or just harder. Maybe you’re genuinely sorry, but the pain you caused me is real. It’s not something that can be fixed with words or tears alone…”

“Just one kiss.”

He draws closer, the heat of his body paired with his signature perfume now so close that you feel like fainting for a second.

“Give me one kiss and I’ll leave you alone.”

“A kiss?”, you breathe out.

His lips haunted you in your dreams frequently, how they felt pressed against yours and comforted you through everything. You hated how your mind always remembered you of what you’ve lost.

Those kissable lips, that mouth that never failed to make you smile.

But now…a kiss?

"Just one kiss, to remember what we had, to see if there’s still something between us. If it doesn’t change anything, I’ll walk away and give you all the space you need. But if there’s even a spark left… I need to know."

Your mind races as you consider his request with a wave of feelings rushing over you like a tsunami. Memories of your shared moments flood back, the warmth of his embrace, the comfort of his touch, and the sweetness of his kisses that used to light up your whole fucking world. But what if he hurts you again? What if all those words are nothing but a filthy little lie to play with you all over?

Your heart pounds while you close your eyes briefly, trying to push through the pain and the intensity of the situation. The idea of that one kiss, despite everything, pulls at your heartstrings. That moment of vulnerability and a chance to confront what’s been haunting her dreams, close enough to touch and feel...

Finally, you open your eyes and nod slowly, your voice barely a whisper.

"One kiss."

Gojo’s eyes soften with a mix of relief and hope as he leans in, his breath warm against your oversensitive and touch-starved skin. His lips meet yours with a gentle, hesitant touch. A bittersweet mixture of longing, regret, and a lingering affection that speaks of all both of you once shared, the feelings that still rise from the ashes between both of you – feelings that never really disappeared. Truth is, you never really stopped loving Gojo Satoru. Even if he shattered your heart into thousands of pieces, even if your heart still aches, you can’t escape his gravity.

Out of instinct, you wrap your longing arms around his neck like you always did, press your body even closer against his. Only that one touch, that one kiss in order to feel that he lied.

But instead, the taste his falling tears on your tongue, feel his desperate hands on your waist. Did…Gojo Satoru miss you as well?

As your lips part, a tear slips down both of your cheeks while heavy breathing fills the cramped room between you.

"From the moment you left, I’ve been lost without you. I thought I could move on, but every day without you has been unbearable. I missed you more than I ever thought possible. I’ve been living in a world where everything reminds me of what we had and what I threw away by not following you that night. I never stopped loving you, not for a single fucking day.

I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve hurt you in ways I can never fully make up for. But standing here now, feeling your arms around me and knowing that you still care... it’s more than I deserve. I love you, and I’ve always loved you. If there’s any chance for us to rebuild what we had, I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I need you to know that my feelings for you have never faded, and they never will.”

You look at him with a mix of longing and hope, your eyes silently asking for what you’re yearning for.

"One more kiss," you whisper,

"just to see if it’s real.”

Toji Fushiguro

Your eyes are focus on the glittery liquid that swirls around in your glass, too focused on the play of color to even listen to that jerk opposite of you.

“(y/n), are you even listening to me?”

“Of course, go on”, you mutter through your hand without even looking up.

To be honest, your dating life has been a mess since that one guy. Dates each and every night, nameless men who cling onto your rock bottom for dear life. Getting showered by meaningless compliment that are supposed to drag you into their beds, the bitter taste of gammahydroxybutyricacid on a regular basis.

Just like now. Liquid ecstasy.

You raise your eyebrows, allow yourself a glimpse at that muscular guy with a face that looks like out of every plastic surgeons dream and that fake rolex around his wrist. As if you’d be dumb enough to actually swallow that shit. But on the other hand, you might as well wait until he spent all his money for you in that way too expensive restaurant before leaving him standing in the rain.

“You have to be the prettiest woman I’ve even seen”, he jeers while grabbing your hand.

You force down that wave of puke that threatens to take you over and put on the sweetest smile you have to offer.

What a loser, honestly. Not even able to read a woman properly.

But none of the men you’ve met since him were.

“Aren’t you thirsty? Don’t you like your drink?”

Yeah, like you’re dumb enough to drink that shit.

“I’d actually like to eat something before drinking. Otherwise, I’m drunk immediately”, you give back oh so innocently.

He lets out a disgusting laughter, his hungry eyes almost pilling you out of your skintight dress. Well, that’s what you get for going on a date with someone who calls himself selfmade CEO of something that has to be another lousy pyramid scheme.

Let’s get this over with.

Your eyes dart around the room aimlessly in order to find a way to escape later on. Unfortunately, the toilets don’t provide a window and as it seems, you won’t be able to escape that main hall. Screw those fancy restaurants and their high alert.

It’s a feeling that crawls up your spine so suddenly that your head yanks to the right out of instinct.

Cold eyes. That scar on the corner of his mouth that flinches when he catches you staring at him.

So familiar cold eyes that you feel like fainting for a second.

It can’t be him, it’s impossible that it’s him-

“Toji?”, you breathe out.

You haven’t seen him since that day.

Since the two of you broke up.

You swore to yourself to never see that man again, moved to Tokyo on order to get lost in the crowd, went on countless dates to fuck his face out of your mind.

But as soon as your eyes land on him, your guts twist just like they did before, a wave of fright washing over your usual so broad back.

“I need to go”, you mutter, not even caring about that douchebag on the other side of the table anymore.

You need to get out of here, need to hide in some lonely corner, need to move to another city. Or another country? It seems like he’ll always find you, no matter where you go.

The cold air of the night hits your face like a wall as you stumble out of the restaurant. Where are you supposed to go? Aimlessly, you haste through the next alley, eyes darting behind you as if you’re haunted.

That toxic fucker, that crazy man who apparently didn’t accept your breakup at all. Toji is no one to be messed with, a maniac when it comes to his toys.

And you are one of those toys. Well, you hope you were.

“Think you can escape me like that?”

The next second, you find yourself pinned against a wall with no way out.

“Let go of me, you freak”, you press out, not even daring to look up at him.

Fuck, you’re absolutely screwed. There’s no way you’ll get out of here like you did last time.

“Is that how you greet the love of your life, huh?”

He grabs your cheek firmly and forces your head towards his.

There they are, those dangerous eyes. Up close, in their full glory.

You feel like puking.

“I don’t love you anymore. You treated me like shit.”

That’s what you told yourself over and over again, literally tattooed on your heart. You can’t love a guy like him, he’ll never give you what you need and want.

“So you’re telling me that guy who wanted to fuck after your blackout is better? Can’t tell me you didn’t notice that loser put something in your drink.”

“It’s none of your business”, you hiss through gritted teeth.

“Everything that has to do with you is my business, babe. You did a good job hiding from me for a few months. But you can’t escape me”, he mutters against your ear.

His hot breath against your naked and oversensitive skin almost sends you over the edge, forces that knot inside your stomach to start pulsating all over again.

That fucker who knows your body so well. That asshole who plays with your feeling all over again.

“We’ve broke up”, you remind him with unsteady gaze.

“So you have no feelings for me? Hate me? Just because I killed that guy-“

“You killed so many people that I lost count. I can’t do this!”, you blurt out.

“But do you love me?”

Your heart almost pounds out of your chest, sweat now covering your forehead only by looking at him. So many nights, you’ve drank enough to forget your own name.

But you never forgot his.

“Doesn’t matter…”

“So you do.”

Before you’re even able to protest, he lifts you up and cages you against the wall. And your lousy traitor of a body? Wraps your legs around his waist as if none of this ever happened.

“I’ll make it up to you, princess”, he mumbles into the crook of your neck, now placing gentle kisses on your bare skin.

You want to tell him to stop, want to yank your body out of his demanding grasp.

But instead, you let your head fall back and close your eyes.

Fuck, you missed this. You missed him.

“And don’t ya dare to run away from me again. You’re mine.”

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[shakingparadigm]

Seeing all those analysis posts about how Till liked Mizi because she was gentle while not giving the same attention to Ivan because he wasn't... how Ivan might have made Till uncomfortable because he expressed his admiration for Till through violence because he liked how Till had the courage to fight back...

I was wandering if Ivan ever realized that the way he went about showing his feelings wasn't positive for Till and he fucking did. "I wish I had been kinder" he fucking regrets dude, fuck me man.

(This veered wildly off-topic I am so sorry.)

Coming back to this ask after the most recent R6 update is interesting.

I've always wondered why they chose the title Cure in particular. I was expecting a song title along the lines of Star or something abyssal. Then I thought about Till's affiliation with experiments and drugs and the various ways he was hurt. Cure... It also brings to mind how the content for Ivan highlights his "oddness", how he's framed as someone different, almost wrong in a sense. There's something that he lacks, something that he feels the need to fix, to cure.

In the recent ROUND 6 production post, the true meaning is revealed. You're right on a certain level, but as always, it's complicated.

Both Ivan and Till seek a certain type of "healing", maybe to compensate for their pain, their oddness and their loneliness. They wish to be cured of their suffering somehow and they seek the solution in other people.

QMENG states that Till desires a type of healing that Ivan cannot provide, and vice versa.

It goes without saying, pretty common knowledge at this point, but Till is a lot softer under his rebellious front. As someone who's been beat and abused his whole life, it makes sense that that type of love he'd want is something gentler, something stable. It's incredibly obvious in the way he acts towards Mizi. She's so genuine, so bright, untainted by the cruel reality of the world. Till softens around her, since she has only showed him kindness he in turn shows her the sweetest side of himself. He's had nothing stable to cling onto before, so he immediately becomes attached to this idealized version of Mizi. He believes she's the only person who can provide him with what he needs, the only one who can "heal" him.

It's outright stated that Ivan cannot provide that type of "healing" that Till is looking for. Ivan does try, of course. Unfortunately, he lacks something fundamental. Because of this he expresses himself in rather childish ways, which may involve a little cruelty and attention-seeking. A lot of Ivan's actions are muddled by his complicated feelings as well, as its stated that his true emotions and intentions are difficult to grasp. With Till, Ivan wants to save and be saved, hurt and heal him, keep him and set him free. Live for him and die for him. He criticizes Sua on the ethics of self-sacrifice and then goes on to do the same himself. With Ivan, everything contradicts.

He tries desperately to be the cure that Till needs, but due to his incredibly complex nature that "healing" will never be just healing. It may come with more pain and confusion despite his best efforts.

I don't think Till refused to give Ivan attention because he wasn't gentle enough, rather I think it's because everything was so complicated whenever Ivan was involved. Ivan is there for him in his times of need and causes a fair bit of trouble during the rest. He's strange and hard to grasp, but he's familiar. Calling each other "friends" seemed like such an inadequate label because they're simultaneously too close and not close enough. Ivan does wish he was kinder, though. Not only to Till, but to Sua and most likely a few other people as well. There's a lot of aspects in which Ivan wishes he were different, and it's tragic to hear how he deprecates himself in his final moments for it.

There's the second half of QMENG's statement as well, "vice versa". Till cannot provide what Ivan needs either, but Ivan desperately desires it anyway.

Ivan views Till as his cure. He wants to not only "heal" Till, but to be healed by him as well. This desire can be seen in the lyrics of Cure:

Notice my pain

And mend me right now

To quiet my fears

I'll drown in you

(The wish for "healing" is stated.)

In your gaze, where I’m seen

Consume me, yes, me, oh, oh

(Ivan urges Till to "consume" him like medicine, he wishes to be what Till needs.)

Ivan lacks something, and he believes that Till can make up for that lack which is why he's so fascinated by him. If Ivan is a black abyss, Till is a supernova, bringing life to an empty void. Unfortunately, Till is explosive and rather inept at handling his own extreme emotions, which causes him to either lash out violently or retreat further inward and push Ivan away. He's also a thoroughly destructive and hurt individual, seeking his own cure in another form. He cannot provide what Ivan needs.

Both Ivan and Till are incredibly volatile. That's not to say they don't have their gentler sides, but overall they've been doomed from the start. Ultimately it's no fault of theirs, they did what they could with their complicated feelings and fought through their own respective hells.

In the end, Ivan had to come to terms with the fact that he couldn't get the "healing" he needed and could never be what Till needed, either. That's why he finally acted on his impulses and let his complicated feelings win over, resulting in his death. Despite all the heartache, his final thoughts are a statement of gratitude. Truly a tragedy.

[dreamyrat]

now that i’ve written about sappy functional middle aged labru i’m thinking about more realistic and sad scenarios…

kabru who gets married young and has children because HEAR ME OUT he believes it makes him more trustworthy than being a bachelor… not quite aware of why he feels the need to appear as normal as possible around others and encouraging laios to do the same… continuing to be unaware of his feelings for laios, writing it off as purely sexual and therefore easy to deny and ignore, despite the fact that he’s closer to laios than anyone.

laios never marrying because the idea of disrupting the status quo is uncomfortable, since he just got used to being king and kabru’s family. also fundamentally disagreeing with kabru’s opinion on needing to get married just for the sake of others, by extension never having to confront his attraction to kabru, even being afraid to get near it mentally. thinking that his jealousy and insecurity stems purely from the threat of losing his closest friend and confidant, DEFINITELY no other reason.

I think kabru would marry a working class woman rather than nobility because they can relate to each other better, the idea they both have to serve people in some capacity, and all the turmoil and triumph that comes with that. I imagine kabru performing the role of doting father and husband very well. his wife loves how attentive he is and how he notices things about her no one else ever has. he’s patient but stern with the kids and earnestly connects with them. until he ultimately burns out and his wife realizes he can’t be honest with her, despite years of trying to get him to open up. up until that point his romantic relationships had all been fun and non committal, and she took pride in the fact she made him want to settle. she never could fully explain what was off about their relationship, because he really was very kind and loving, until she realizes how deeply kabru has repressed his emotions and cant help but question everything and feel she fundamentally misunderstood kabru as a person…

maybe a near death experience with laios triggers it, and kabru’s unable to take care of himself completely, he can’t mask his fear and neurosis and rage anymore, he can’t eat or sleep until he’s okay. he throws himself into his work and refuses to acknowledge that he is struggling when she asks him about it. her realizing that despite kabru’s best efforts to love her and care for her, his relationship with laios is more emotionally intimate than theirs, will always be what drives him and centers him, and she shouldn’t have to compete with that… she obviously mourns what she thought their marriage was, and can’t help but feel betrayed, but overtime starts to feel a deep empathy for him.

I guess I want to explore how kabru’s social dexterity has the potential to be just as destructive as laios’ social ignorance… even though they both have the best intentions and care about others.

when his wife divorces him, he is forced to be honest with laios about why she left, and he has immense guilt over not being able to love her correctly, about being fundamentally flawed and strange, the child that was raised to be a perfect doll, the monster kid no one wanted to play with, how his efforts to compensate for his innate wrongness blew up in his face anyway, which obviously laios can relate to better than anyone.

I think they would dance around each other after that, both now fully aware of the attraction but being so practiced in the art of denial they dont know what to do. It just feels so good to have it out in the open, they forgot that they can actually do something about it. Also kabru feeling like he shouldn’t be allowed to indulge after causing so much pain.

when they finally do get together, it’s surprisingly shy and chaste at first, like they are scared to face the depth of their desire and the years they wasted. it’s slow until it’s not, and everything bubbles to the surface, and they have mind blowing autistic sex. lol.

as for his children i think laios always really liked them as their weird uncle and since he has no heirs, he’d leave his kingdom to them. I’m not sure if kabru’s ex wife would be able to have a relationship with kabru after they get together, but maybe… maybe they could be friends.

[bthump]

What are your thoughts or analyses on the phallic imagery in berserk? Less so the more obvious ones like seen in Casca’s nightmares which are obviously pointing to her sexual trauma, but like we see with the vagina-esque monsters and how Guts’ sword is alluded to being like a penis in some cases. Sorry if it’s a weird question lol

Sorry for the wait on this lol, I was on vacation for a while, and it's also a topic I wanted to spend some time on because I love it and I wanted to be relatively thorough. Thanks for the ask!

So yeah, disclaimers out of the way, Freudian analytical theory is very silly, very gender essentialist in ways that can often be transphobic and misogynist, and as far as I'm aware pretty much wholly unrelated to real psychology. Back in the 70s and 80s you had film theorists who took it seriously as a genuine glimpse into the subconsciousness of humanity or whatever, but now it's pretty much just a readily available source of sex and gender related symbolism that's easy to understand.

And in Berserk I do genuinely think it's a valid lens to view the story through because Miura is often quite heavy handed in utilizing it as symbolism. I mean, Guts literally gives someone an orgasm by stabbing her at one point. Some of this can definitely be a stretch, taking established symbols and running with them, but some of it is also almost certainly purposeful. I'll leave it to you to decide what you see as legit and what you see as stretching believability here.

This is very long lol

So yeah, it starts off strong in Berserk with Guts' oversized sword. Swords are dicks, ie sources of masculine power, especially in Berserk

and in the context of the story the dragonslayer is Guts overcompensating imo. And it's not compensating for a small dick lol, which would be more the purview of comedy, but for a loss of masculinity, ie Guts' childhood abuse from Gambino, and rape trauma. It's about his need to prove himself because he was made to feel like he had to, imo.

And it's not just the size of his sword, his obsession with it is also a major factor. He has a grandiose speech about how his sword is like a part of his body (hmm) and that it's been at his side through everything and he's always relied on it. The dream he lands on is to be the best and strongest sword fighter ever. He's currently having a breakdown over not being able to hit someone with his sword. He has a recurring tendency to break other guy's swords lol. At one point Casca screams at him that he essentially cares about his sword more than her. etc etc.

In the story dreams are at odds with emotionally healing human relationships, and dreams are represented by swords (Guts' sword obviously, Casca becoming Griffith's sword, Griffith calling the throne a sword while taunting the king in the dungeon as well as his vision of himself throwing him a sword and pointing to the castle in chapter 72).

So through a Freudian lens, Guts' sword can also be said to represent emotional isolation, positioning masculinity as emotionally isolating. Which, yk, fits with Griffith also equating dreams and masculinity in his Promrose Hall speech (a man must achieve a dream before he can have a family or lover) and, I suppose lol, Casca getting "softer" and more feminine as she falls for Guts, as femininity is therefore the opposite: emotional reliance on and support of others.

So if swords are dicks, then it follows that wounds are vaginas, ie yonic symbols. Also pretty obvious when you read some of the lines during the Guts and Casca sex scene lol. "I too want a wound I can say you gave me." These can represent weakness and victimization (I did warn for misogyny lol) and/or (often sexual) relationships and emotional openness.

So you have the relationships - "licking wounds" with Casca; Guts letting Casca stab him when he thinks about abandoning Griffith; the Beast of Darkness calling Casca the wound Griffith left so Guts can keep feeling the pain Griffith caused; Griffith scratching his own shoulder where Guts' sword pointedly didn't wound him; Griffith being out of reach of Guts' sword post-Eclipse; "let's give him a heap of raw iron;" and Farnese grinding on Guts' sword while possessed and Slan directly treating being stabbed as sexual penetration for the most obvious examples...

Also I'd argue that any time Guts gets his ass kicked in a fight it functions as an echo of his rape trauma symbolically and subconsciously to Guts. Both kinda obviously at times, like eg when Slan overpowers him and tears off his shirt while wounding his chest, and kisses him after the stabbing, causing Guts to feel a burst of fear

or when Rosine stabs Guts through the mouth as another enemy who flirts with Guts mid-fight. And of course the first duel with Griffith in which Guts unilaterally sets the stakes to sex slavery because he's projecting.

But also a little more subtlely, such as when Zodd is given the same position as Nightmare Donovan in Guts' concussion nightmare after he kills Adonis, or all this consistent imagery that rapists and apostles tend to get.

Or, interestingly, the way the Berserk armour functions as self-harm as Guts fights by penetrating Guts to "heal" him.

Something that solidifies its hold over Guts and makes him lose more and more of his positive humanity to his urge to kill.

So yeah, from a Freudian angle I'd suggest that Guts is driven to fight to reclaim the sense of masculine power he was stripped of when he was raped, and every fight can be said to be a repetition of his rape trauma in which he (usually) successfully fights back, but also continuously retraumatizes himself rather than healing.

I'm going to delve a little deeper into how phallic and yonic symbols intersect with the characters' relationships now that we've outlined some of the preliminary symbolism, starting from the Golden Age.

The first duel between Guts and Griffith is rife with Freudian symbolism, very overtly. Griffith stabs Guts and then Guts proceeds to have a nightmare about his rape trauma. Then he projects that trauma onto Griffith when he assumes Griffith wants to fuck him and adds sexual stakes to their duel. Then, yk, he takes Griffith's sword into his mouth lol.

Griffith winning by dislocating Guts' arm can be easily taken as a symbolic unmanning/castration, nicely introducing us into Guts' three years of growth towards prioritizing relationships instead of aimless sword-swinging to prove himself. It's also suggestive of penetration when you're primed to look for sexual symbolism (and if Guts offering Griffith his ass and then biting a sword doesn't prime you for it, what does?):

And the two of them losing their swords in the course of the fight and resorting to unarmed combat can also be taken as a telling symbol of the conflict between dreams and their relationship with each other. They lose the symbols of their dreams and contend only with each other, in a more positive contrast to the second duel that ends their relationship, in which they fight only with swords and never touch each other.

Wounds come into it when Griffith nearly gets killed rushing in against Zodd to save Guts, leading to the most impactful moment of their relationship, where Griffith admits he did it solely for Guts' sake and had no other reason. Griffith also points out how wounded Guts is after that fight, in what I'd call a nearly flirtatious way:

And if you follow these symbols completely strictly this scene suggests Guts retreating into his defensive masculinity in his sword exercises after being defeated/emasculated by Zodd and accused of not valuing his personal relationships by Casca, and finally finding a new, more constructive purpose for his sword after Griffith essentially confesses his devotion to him.

Dedicating his sword to Griffith in return for the wounds Griffith suffered for his sake, with, it has to be noted when the topic is freudian symbolism, his sword held at exactly crotch level.

In the second duel Guts destroys Griffith's sword before leaving, a symbolic castration which is most likely intended to represent and foreshadow Griffith's subsequent loss of power when he throws his life away and ends up tortured in a dungeon for a year. More interestingly imo, is Griffith tracing scratch-markes on his shoulder after sleeping with Charlotte and while crying over Guts - the same shoulder Guts' sword didn't quite hit when he won the duel, drawing attention to the lack of a wound by Guts' hand, a wound he created himself and traces in his devastation.

You have a nice... I don't know what the comic terminology is lol so I'm just going to call it a match-cut here, with Griffith and Casca both getting penetrated by the same number of arrows/skewers, to signify Griffith and the Hawks' fall from power, in contrast to Guts' growing phallic power as he pursues his sword swinging. Power which he demonstrates when he returns and saves the Hawks and Casca and Griffith by swinging his sword a lot and defeating a lot of powerful enemies and, if I'm gonna be crass, healing Casca's suicidal despair with his dick lol.

Interestingly though, before he does that he lets Casca stab him while experiencing the guilt of having driven Griffith into a torture chamber by leaving. It's a wound that highlights his emotional connection to Griffith and vulnerability to those emotions, even as he tries to deny them. He then manages to successfully deny them for a little while longer after having sex with Casca.

In this Freudian context, Guts and Casca's sex scene is an affirmation of a relationship, but one which is emotionally uneven, with Casca ready and willing to emotionally rely on and support Guts, but Guts still dedicated to his sword-swinging dream, inviting Casca with him but only as long as she doesn't get in the way of what he wants to do. This does fit with phallic symbols being associated with emotional distance and yonic symbols being associated with emotional closeness lol. (Also fittingly, the one way he does open up to her is about his rape trauma after a flashback.)

It's worth noting that in this disconnect Casca erroneously assumes Guts fought the hundred men and "bled" for her, making her want "a wound" from him in return. Guts fighting those hundred men is much more reminiscent of his fights against apostles, the fights that revolve around replaying his rape trauma to make himself feel better. Casca assumes they already have an emotional bond due to Guts' wounds, but she's wrong - Guts specifically thinks to himself during the hundred man fight that he's not doing it for Casca.

This is reflected in the Wyald fight when Guts insists on fighting Wyald, again as part of the whole reaffirmation of masculinity thing I outlined at the start of this, when Casca just wants him to run away. The Wyald fight is pretty overt about being about Guts' rape trauma imo, moreso than most fights in the story. Wyald's rapiness is made a point of from Guts' point of view when he sees him wielding the torso of a woman sexually impaled on a pike and gets extra angry, and when he literally cuts off Wyald's dick when he's about to rape Casca, and then has his pointed line about needing to "settle the score with him... with them... by his own sword."

SO ESSENTIALLY to sum up this subsection, I think you can argue that what prevents Guts and Casca from being an equal relationship is Guts stlil being hung up over needing to prove his masculine power through sword-swinging, rather than embracing his emasculation (which, remember, tends to signify positive relationships in this context) and coming to terms with it ("immersing himself in sorrow" as Godo says much later.)

Like, to return to Griffith, it's fitting that after Guts destroys his sword and he goes through a year of torture and is thoroughly emasculated, he's able to recognize his feelings for Guts and understand that Guts is more important to him than the dream, the "sword called the throne."

But he doesn't quite come to terms with his emasculation either. This symbolism is one explanation for the wagon scene where he propositions Casca - a desperate bid for some form of power. Not the strongest explanation imo, but since we're currently in the business of actively looking for this symbolism, it definitely fits. Casca's rejection and pity reinforce Griffith's emasculation, and overhearing her tell Guts to leave again is the final straw. Relationships are a bust, swords are now his only recourse, as we see when he has a vision of himself throwing him a sword and pointing to the castle.

You could take the nightmarish vision he has of a life with Casca as Griffith rejecting emasculation, but an alternate way of taking it is Griffith regaining a form of phallic power, and the emotional isolation that goes with it. After all, it's implied that he has a child with Casca, while totally withdrawn and emotionally isolated.

I once said in a different silly essay that Griffith choosing the dream is, in a way, Griffith choosing another version that nightmare, and that take also fits here.

And hey, it's another reason for Femto to rape Casca lol, if we want to ascribe meaning there, and of course we must in this kind of analysis. In the wagon Griffith essentially offers sex to Casca for the faint vestige of masculine power it could give him (emotional isolation and a child); in his nightmare he imagines that life and it drives him to suicide; and after becoming Femto he forces sex onto Casca and then continues on to embody emotional distance and masculine power.

This power is painfully demonstrated through the rape of Casca, but also subsequently through his pure untouchability (often in pointedly sexualized contexts); through his phony relationship with Charlotte and ascending to the ultimate patriarchal role of king/emperor and taking that sword called the throne; and I guess also through his actual sword lol which he still uses.

An example of sexualized untouchability - check out the positioning of that third thought bubble, in this scene where Griffith lords his invulnerability over Ganishka.

And look at all those pillars, I'm js.

And I'd be remiss not to point out the most recent confrontation with Guts where Guts tries many times to hit his naked body with his giant sword, completely fails, and then Griffith kidnaps Casca. More very on-point emasculation symbolism, it might as well be Guts trying to fuck him but unable to get hard lol. His breakdown afterwards doesn't do much to disabuse you of that notion either.

Anyway, back to post-Eclipse Guts. There's not much else to add that I didn't cover at the start, but in brief:

Guts has lost his arm during the Eclipse, which is an emasculation - he loses it while watching Femto rape ~his woman~ so it's like the most traditional symbolic castration there is lol. And of course he replaces it with a bigger, better, and more overt phallic symbol: a canon. And like the first thing we see him do with it is shove it into the mouth of a monster he's banging and blow her head off. So yk, there's that.

And there's Puck, who exists to help bridge Guts' emotional distance and essentially serves as the feminine counterpart to Guts' masculinity for a while. From his magical empathy, to his tiny size, to his lack of genitalia (note that in Freudian theory the lack of a penis is an indicator of femininity rather than specifically the presence of a vagina), to his connections with female characters Theresia and Jill, even arguably to his introduction where Guts saves him from a bunch of men throwing phallic knives at him by skewering them with his own (bigger) projectiles, this is consistent during the Black Swordsman/Conviction arc era.

Chestnut Puck is a lot more boyish, with his particular humour, his cameraderie with an annoying teenage boy, and now having his own feminine counterpart in Ivalera, but that's fine because his thematic job as a feminine influence on Guts is over after Guts starts collecting more friends.

And as far as the RPG group goes, there are a few notable instances of phallic symbolism for them too. Farnese and Serpico are an obvious example, with Farnese sexualizing the wounds Serpico voluntarily suffers for her, when she demands he duel for her honour a bunch of times.

Farnese brandishing the end of her whip at him doesn't hurt the freudian power dynamic symbolism either lol.

In the Conviction arc Farnese wielded a sword she was incapable of using, suggestive of her true femininity under a brash masculine surface, and when she softens in the Millenium Falcon arc she becomes a caretaker with only a small dagger for self-defense. That said, she does get that epic moment of stabbing a tiger in the eye with a long silver pole (candlestick) when she rejoins Guts' crew rather than becoming a housewife, so she still gets some badass phallic weapon imagery lol.

Serpico wields a thin rapier in the Conviction Arc, which Guts easily grabs in his hand, and in the Millenium Falcon arc he switches to a... limp feather duster lol. Serpico is very feminized compared to Guts and his weapons fit as part of that, but they're still effective weapons. You could maybe argue, within this Freudian lens, that this is indicative of Serpico's healthier relationship with masculinity. He's not compensating for anything, he's at peace with himself.

And god I gotta say something about Guts and Serpico's duels. In the first one you have Serpico delaying Guts while Farnese steals Casca from him, and part of that delay is to force Guts into a fight where he can't wield his sword, a parallel emasculation to Casca being kidnapped.

Then you have their confrontation after Farnese's no good very bad night, which is just incredibly suggestive lol.

You cannot tell me this isn't Guts getting blueballed when Serpico leaves after one quick exchange. Particularly coming in the same chapter featuring possessed Farnese grinding on Guts' sword (which Guts was much less interested in, incidentally). Also: wounds as sexual imagery again. Guts licking the blood off his cheek? Come on.

And finally you have their fight in Farnese's basement, in which Serpico attempts to hinder Guts by surrounding him with giant pillars, which Guts smashes through as he dodges around them. Another neat illustration of Guts' pure phallic power and Serpico's much more effeminate style.

One final note to address part of your ask, which didn't naturally fit into the rest of this lol: I would interpret vaginal imagery in monsters as mainly castration anxiety, yk, vagina dentata vibes, the fear of sticking your dick in a hole you can't see into. There's actually a lot of interesting stuff to consider in terms of the feminine as the unknowable other when it comes to Freudian theory, but that's like, not something I would expect Miura to lean into first of all, and also it would take another essay of explanation. If you're interested in that kind of Freudian analysis though I'd recommend the books Men, Women, and Chainsaws by Carol J. Clover and The Dread of Difference, edited by Barry Keith Grant. I took a course on women and horror films ages ago and read chunks of those, and it was very fun, and iirc both address Freudian imagery in horror.

Okay! So that's the rundown of like, all the examples of Freudian imagery that interest me at least lol. This isn't exhaustive ofc, Berserk is long and not stingy with this stuff, but this response is already so long and meandering lol, so I'm going to wrap it up here.

To sum up, phallic imagery often represents masculine power as well as masculine flaws (like emotional isolation) in Berserk, while yonic/vaginal imagery tends to represent feminine weakness as well as feminine virtues (like emotional connection and vulnerability). As a general rule, the more phallic imagery someone violently swings around, the more fucked up they are. Phallic violence is used to compensate for past trauma, but it only continues the cycle of violence. The way to break that violence is to accept one's wounds and focus on them, to heal, rather than trying to distract from them.

I don't think this is always the best way to interpret Berserk lol, but it adds another dimension that very often complements the surface meaning and thematic resonance of the story, sometimes purposefully, sometimes likely incidental. And either way it's a lot of fun to read into!

[jeannefostergoriot]

Family Line by Conan Gray X Fitz Vacker

(How didn’t I think of it sooner?)

« My father never talked a lot »: Alden… isn’t really open. Like. I doubt any of his kids, and even Della, ever knew what was happening, what he was doing, even when they were on missions.

« He just took a walk around the block »: keuf. That’s the secret missions. For the Council and for himself. That a kid can’t understand.

« Till all his anger took a hold of him, and he’d hit »: so. As I said for Driver’s Seat analysis, I doubt the cracks and the emotions go out as anger in the Lost Cities. Though it could happen, adding to the guilt that broke his mind. Yeah. Alden probably screamed. Criticized harshly without realizing. That’s the blows.

« My mother never cried a lot »: Della always stayed in the shadows. She says it herself, she isn’t known as standing up.

« She took the punches but she never fought »: that is about how Della never corrected Alden’s favoritism. She just compensated by caring more for Alvar and Biana.

« Till she said “I’m leaving and I’ll take the kids”, so she did »: that’s book 4. That’s Della joining the Black Swan.

« I say “They’re just the ones who gave me life” »: Fitz all throughout Flashback. Standing against his parents. Protesting.

« But I truly am my parents’ child »: but he can never undo the pressure, the legacy. Even his name, Fitz, that means « son of ». He’s what the Vackers made him.

« Scattered cross my family line »: the way the Vacker family is exploded. The ancestors. Alvar by the Neverseen. Alden and Della never truly close to their kids. Biana and Fitz raised in competition.

« I’m so good at telling lies »: he’s good at dissimulation, at tricking the world to appear fine.

« That came from my mother’s side »: dunno if Della lies. Probably yes. And she always gives the impression to be pretty delicate beauty, when she’s clearly a fighter (cf her registry pages in Unlocked)

« Told a million to survive »: not to survive but to keep the appearances up. Everything’s fine. There is no reason to worry.

« God, I have my father’s eyes »: Fitz has always been perceived as perfect heir. Miniature Alden.

« But my sister’s when I cry »: the fact that, with everything collapsing, Fitz and Biana grew closer throughout the series.

« I can run, but I can’t hide, from my family line »: that is the feeling that whatever he does, he will always be a Vacker. Seen as royal perfection.

« It’s hard to put it into words, how the holidays will always hurt »: it’s hard to admit in Glitter City that it’s not really perfect, expressing that is something they’ve never been taught.

« I watch the fathers with their little girls, and wonder what I did to deserve this »: I think I remember Fitz voicing that. Voicing that he doesn’t know why he is there, treated with so much respect and admiration and feeling so out of place.

« How could you hurt a little kid »: how could you turn me into a simple puppet and forget I have an identity ?

« I can’t forget, I can’t forgive you »: that’s to the whole family tree. The old ones that passed down the pressure and perfection-expectations for centuries.

« Cause now I’m scared that everyone I love will leave me ». This line is about how Fitz doesn’t know how to love. How to be stable. How to live.

« All that I did, I tried to undo it »: that he tried. Being perfect representation of the system? He joined the rebellion. Hurting Sophie and mistrusting her? He went through the whole process of Inquisition and accepted Sokeefe. Making Biana feel invisible? He talked with her in Flashback.

« All of my pain and all your excuses, I was a kid but I wasn’t clueless »: how living in both worlds made him stranger to everything, how he felt something was wrong with the missions, how he just wanted to make Alden proud.

« Someone who loves you wouldn’t do this »: to the system. To all the girls flirting with him without knowing. To his parents not understanding his fears.

« All of my past, I tried to erase it »: killing Alvar as erasing the pain. Joining the Black Swan as erasing the pressure. He is a runaway boy too, but it shows less.

« But now I see, would I even change it? »: I think he can learn to think like this. To be satisfied.

« Might share a face and share a last name, but we are not the same »: now. By Stellarlune, he knows. He knows he can have an identity and not be a copy of his father. He can not make the same mistakes.

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Hi, could you please explain to me the following terms: "Psychopath", "Narcissist", "Sociopath", etc?

Up until now, I've ignorantly used these words to describe someone who is self-prioritizing, without empathy or compassion, and antagonistic towards the boundaries of others.

I want to be better informed in order to avoid repeating this mistake from now onwards; Most of my search results present unreliable information; which is how I came to fall for the misconception in the first place.

I am mentally disabled myself, but completely out of the loop- mental health is stigmatized where I come from. I'd like to understand the distinction between the terms listed above, and how they came to be associated with negative records.

First of all I'd like to thank @bfpnola because I got this information from people diagnosed with these conditions on the bfpnola discord server.

Second of all, I'd like to say I've not been diagnosed with these conditions nor do I presume to have them. So I do ask you seek out people with antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder who talk about the stigmas against their conditions to hear them out. I'd suggest a tiktoker I used to follow but people with these conditions tend to get banned quickly on tiktok due to abelism.

I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from when I say it's abelist to use these terms.

Now to continue with the answer. Sociopath and Psychopath are outdated terms. They used to be diagnoses that were in the DSM, but the terminology has been changed to antisocial personality disorder. People with antisocial personality disorder do not experience empathy. Like... at all. And that's what people are trying to attack when people call someone a psychopath. However, that implies an incorrect definition of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel and understand others pain. People assume that means they don't care at all about others. They are very capable of caring about other people and forming close emotional bonds. They are also very capable of being protective of those they care about. They just don't feel empathy. Furthermore, there's people that experience empathy that legitimately just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Just because they feel others pain doesn't mean that they give a shit.

And attacking someone's lack empathy is often used to stigmatize other conditions that can cause low empathy like autism, Borderline, narcissistic personality disorder, schizoeffective disorder, and there's probably a bunch more I'm forgetting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People think a narcissist is someone that thinks the world revolves around them. But based on what I've heard people diagnosed with the mental health disorder have said, it's a deep insecurity rooted in being raised with their caretakers making them feel deeply insecure. They compensate by masking with self-aggrandizing behaviors. And that's why people think people with NPD think the world's revolves around them. Because they're experiencing external symptoms with no awareness of the internal monolog in their mind that leads to those symptoms. Which is why I keep saying only a psychiatrist or therapist can diagnose people. Because even if you grew up with this person, you won't have the connection with them that a therapist will have to learn their internal right process.

And a lot of the people that are incorrectly called Narcissistic actually have BPD. (I've seen an overwhelming number of people in response to these posts say "I've experienced Narcissistic Abuse. My abuser had BPD.")

Borderline Personality Disorder is COMPLETELY different from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is the result of an insecure attachment style from the caretakers as a child. This results in unstable relationship styles as an adult. They like someone and develop a "favorite person". Which sounds really cute but can actually be really traumatizing for the person with this disorder. Then they do something called "splitting" in which their views of the people they care about change. They feel the person is pulling away or rejecting them (even if it's untrue). This leads to dangerous behavior like threats of suicide, binge drinking, taking drugs, excessive shopping, gambling, passive aggression, etc.

And the sad thing about NPD and BPD both is the fact that a lot of the negative stigma surrounding them is due to how they externally react to the things the inner demons they have in their head.

Now I know someone is going to say "You can't let people use their mental health as an excuse for shitty behavior". This isn't letting people use their mental health to excuse shitty behavior. I'm saying you can't use mental health terms to describe shitty behavior. A self absorbed asshole is nothing more than a self absorbed asshole. It's not crazy. It's not psychotic. It's not narcissistic. It's an asshole. No more no less.

-fae

[thezombieprostitute]

Alphas & Algorithms - Part 3 - Coming home

A/N: Continued from Part 2. I have a few chapters written but not sure how to make the story work after that. Reader is female and is described as "tall". No other descriptors.

Warnings: It is a Dystopian AU. Food scarcity, hunger, mentions of families being separated. Please let me know if I missed any!

--Part 2-- --Part 4--

--Series Masterlist--

The first thing Curtis registered was a decrease in the usual pain levels upon waking. He still ached but it was noticeably less so. As he continued coming back into consciousness he registered warmth, softness, a full stomach. But when he registered his feet were getting massaged his eyes popped open and he bolted upright, startling Y/N. He was on her couch and she had placed his feet on her lap. When he startled her she let out a small, quick noise and stood up, gently placing his legs back on the couch. 

“I’m so sorry,” she began. “I just needed to make sure you were okay, but wanted to make sure you were able to rest, but needed to do something with my hands, but needed to figure out what happened to you, but needed…”

“Y/N,” Curtis cut her off. “Right now I'm just surprised and confused. Do you know what happened to me?”

She nodded and explained that Jake had come out at hearing her scream and helped her get Curtis to the couch. The AI checked his vitals and determined that it was a result of his body not used to needing to process so much rich food at once. The best thing for him was sleep so she let Jake go back to his room while she tried to keep herself busy. Ultimately she couldn’t do much so she opted to rub his feet to encourage a sound rest. “I’m so sorry,” she said, unable to look him in the eyes.

“I think,” Curtis began, slowly, “I think it’s just like with the food. I’m not used to it. Any of it.”

“I’m..” “Don’t say you’re sorry,” he grumpily interrupts. “You didn’t know what to do and for some reason your Emotional Support Beta didn’t help you.”

“Oh that’s a precaution required by the AI.” With a confused look from Curtis she continues, “the AI has learned that some Omegas don’t do well with a mate because they’re too dependent on their Betas. Other times Alphas will have problems because their mates are so close with a Beta. As such, I’ve been trying to learn how not to have Jake around so often, especially when you’re here.”

“That seems strange, but nothing this day has been normal. Um…could you give me a quick summary of the courting process? I get the feeling I've got a few wrong ideas about all of this.”

“Ah, yes,” Y/N perked up. “The cause of confusion might be because Omegas are allowed to tailor their courting within the parameters the AI sets up. Like I said with your earlier question, I’d like to use the time before my next heat to actually get to know each other. This would include meeting up like this at least twice a week, though hopefully future meets will go better. You’d go back to your home between meets. If you do agree to be my mate there will, of course, be negotiations for compensation for your pack. Things like better housing, higher wages, stuff I can’t think of at the moment. If you do not want to be my mate you and your pack will go back to how things were but you’ll be together. I may also push for more rations since I think you need more nutrition and it would bother me to not help you after you’ve been so patient with me.”

“So I actually do get a say in this?”

“Yes,” Y/N nods fervently. “Consent is incredibly important to me. I’m allowed to choose between potential mates, why wouldn’t I extend you the same courtesy?”

“What happens to you if I say no?”

“I have some other potential mates I can court. If none of them consent either a mate will be chosen for me based solely on genetic compatibility.”

Curtis thinks on all of this for a while before telling Y/N that he will see her again, but will discuss the options with his pack. He cannot promise agreeing to anything beyond the next date but Y/N lights up with the biggest smile he’s seen on her. She says thank you and gives him a strong hug. She seems to realize what she’s doing and jumps back with an apology. Curtis gives her a soft grin and tells her it’s okay. After she presses him a bit, he agrees to take a couple plates of the baked goods home to share with his pack. 

After he’s allowed to change back into his usual clothes, a security drone escorts him home. Curtis makes sure to keep his head down and his aura grumpy. No one would bother him while there’s a security drone around but he didn’t want anyone following him, questioning, or bugging his pack about him.

The second he steps through the door the pups are on him. He can’t help the smile on his face as they exchange hugs and tears. He picks up all three kids and carries them to the table where the rest of the pack is, big smiles on their faces, relief in all of their eyes. 

He sat down and took out his bag as he told everyone what happened, leaving out some parts for the sake of the pups. Everyone started sharing the cookies, but Yona got distracted by the shirt he’d been given. She pulled it out of the bag, smiled up at Curtis and asked if she could have it for a nightgown. He didn’t hesitate to agree and she ran to the bathroom to change into it. All of the kids marveled at how soft it was and between everything they’d experienced, they soon all fell asleep huddled together, allowing the adults to speak plainly.

“So,” Andrew whispered, “you don’t actually have to leave us! We can stay together as a pack!”

Tanya squeezed Curtis hand, “just go back to her and tell her you’re not interested.”

“What about the stuff we could get for everyone?” Curtis loved his Pack and greatly appreciated how ready they were to keep him. But the thought of getting the pups a better spot in the hierarchy of things was appealing.

Andrew nodded, “it would be nice to not have to scrape by, but we’re a Pack. We can look after each other like we have been.”

“And the pups would be more than heartbroken,” Tanya interjected. “Just look at how they reacted this morning.”

Curtis found himself relaxing a bit, comforted by the love and support of his Pack. But then he noticed Andrew and Tanya’s scents were off.

“You’re hiding something,” he accused.

Andrew and Tanya looked at each other and Tanya gave a slight nod. Andrew admitted to Curtis that, after he had been escorted out of the building by the security drone, almost everyone in the building came to ask what was going on. They hadn’t been sure of what to tell their neighbors and asked for everyone to just leave them be while they comforted their pups. Most respected their wishes but Hobie was adamant about knowing what was going on. 

Curtis let out a quiet growl. Of course Hobie would take an interest. There were suspicions that Hobie was working on building up yet another attempt at uprising against the AI. He had been best friends with Curtis’s brother and was possibly even more broken by his abduction than Curtis had. But while Hobie was as outspoken as he could be, without actually getting caught, Curtis focused on taking care of his pack by keeping his head down and his mouth shut. 

“If he comes by again, tell him to just talk directly to me. He can easily find me.” Andrew and Tanya agreed and then suggested they all get some sleep. It’d been a long, trying day for everyone.

--Part 4--

Tagging @every-username-is-taken-damnit, per request.

[engagemythrusters]

Okay. Watching The Bad Batch for the first time and I’ve only gotten 2/3rds of the way thru the first season thus far, but I feel I now understand the characters well enough to start making conjectures.

So here’s what I’ve got so far:

Due to the inherent Muchness of heightened senses, I wouldn’t doubt a sensory processing disorder for Hunter. It’s clear that he’s gotten a handle on it (aka learned to adapt to, compensate for, and understand it) by the time TBB appears in The Clone Wars, but I bet it was hard to deal with when he was younger.

Wrecker appears to have a developmental/learning/intellectual disability of some sort, compounded by a TBI. He struggles with bigger words and is impulsive, along with other notable markers. This could have stemmed from the accident that left the facial scar and blinded his eye, but it seems that, based on how the other three original bad batch clones act around him, that this has always been a thing. A TBI likely added to this, because he seriously just keeps getting smacked in the head, the poor guy. He’s just a walking headache.

That being said, he likely gets lots of migraines. Seriously, that much head-smacking can’t result in a fun, happy time up in his head, pain-wise. I suspect the other four get them, too. Hunter has to process a lot of information from all senses, and Crosshair from his sight. That’s a lot to deal with, and I know I get headaches from a lot less. Tech… he’s staring at screens all day. Blue-light headaches much? And Echo… he’s literally got so much going on up there, technology wise, that it’s undoubtedly the cause of many a migraine. He’s one bad interface connection from a seizure, practically.

Crosshair has some attachment issues, I think. Like I believe all the clones would, had they not been programmed otherwise. They never got held by a caring individual, for gods sake. Maybe later generations had older brothers to hold them every so often, but that’s not enough. They never got one-on-one care. And, since his programming never kicked in correctly, Crosshair has all of that just shoved into his twig body. So, RAD, due to his obviously avoidant nature.

Tech is autistic and I don’t think that’s debatable, really. Like that textbook autism (which leads to a discussion about his savant nature being paired with a highly autistic-coded character and the harmful impact that could create for us autistic people in real life. The same harm of Wrecker’s disability vs how he’s treated as an ‘it’ in the show (said explicitly by Cid) and how Crosshair, with evident attachment issues, is demonised as the villain. BUT THATS ITS OWN ESSAY TO WRITE.)

Omega has ADHD and that one’s not heavily coded like the rest, but I think it fits!

None of them have true favourite siblings, but each are easier to go to for different things. Hunter, for leadership and emotional advice. Crosshair, for silent understanding (pre-chip activation). Wrecker, for emotional understanding and grounding. Tech, for intellectual advice and rationality. Echo, for interpersonal advice. Omega, for intrapersonal advice and a fresh, new perspective on everything.

I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that Hunter would have the highest, shrillest scream. It doesn’t make sense, but it just seems right (to me personally).

Tech and Echo spend a lot of time on Echo’s implants and prostheses. Echo clearly isn’t using them for their original intent—some not even used at all—so they have to be updated, modified, or taken out. (As evidenced by the—I’m assuming what is a—neural interface he now wears and the lack of other implants he used to have in TCW.)

Echo has chronic pain, due to phantom limbs. That, and it must take a lot out of him for those prostheses. They're melded to him in a way that seems... not user-friendly. Techno Union wasn't doing it because they wanted him to live a fulfilling life. They did it because they needed him. They wouldn't care about his pain. It's unlikely that he doesn't feel constant pain. I'm guessing his everyday average pain level it's equivalent to what normal people (i.e.: people who aren't me or other chronic pain-havers) would consider a 4 out of 10.

I have a feeling that most of them know the basics of swimming, but likely aren’t good at it—Wrecker especially. And, with all that armour, it probably wouldn’t matter if they could swim or not. That shit will absolutely sink them. Omega, once taught, would LOVE IT, though.

Crosshair would let a tooka adopt him. As in, he would let the cat follow him around. Whether or not he’d do anything for or about the tooka… I don’t know. But he’d allow it. (Wrecker would dote on the thing if it followed him. Lula and said tooka would be his best buds. He may like explosions, but he’s a sweet guy at heart!)

Echo and Crosshair have absolutely held staring contests. Asserting dominance. (Somehow, despite not having been involved in the first place, Wrecker has won at least two of them.)

Hunter has a taste for meilooruns. Tech does not.

All of them snore. Echo’s even has an electronic buzzing to it. Tech is absolutely the loudest. Omega has wished to smother them all in their sleep.

[shakalakaaa]

Character study OF - 1 (RaySand)

Because everyone here has a lot of shades - both good and bad, as First had said. Also, I want to understand why they are the way they are. It helps that P'jojo said it is based on IRL people. I would take things that have been revealed in show and also some of my own assumptions (based on songs, director's tweets, interviews etc)

RAY

The good side -

He is genuine, he means well. He has no games to play and he does tell what he wants (as much as he can comprehend himself).

He also has capacity self-reflect immediately, he apologized to both Mew and Sand. He might be impulsive in that instant, but he does care about the feelings of others and offers genuine apology for that moment

The not so good side -

He is somewhat selfish, even when asking out Mew he said "Only you can make me happy", he offered nothing to him. Same with Sand. He only offers money as compensation, not himself.

He clearly ignores boundaries, as seen for both Mew and Sand. Be it physical, emotional. I don't think he really understands that concept very well

Also, he is leading Sand on in a way, he does not understand that him giving 100% focus and then taking it away in a instant can hurt feelings. He needs to be consistent with actions, words have value which he is not really taking accountiblity for

He depends on others to 'save him'. He has in a way given up on self. Most of his issues stems because he wants someone to save him and he gets attached to them way too quickly.

Why? -

Obviously his Mother's death . A parent's death can leave long lasting trauma, more so if she was abusive, blaming him for her issues which he holds himself responsible for.

Also, he might have an abusive father (song- daddy issues in OF Sand's playlist) who held him responsible for his wife's death and other things, he might have gone through years of verbal abuse which he has internalized.

I don't think so he had seen healthy family dynamics growing up. Their parents might have fought a lot and he might have gotten reeled in. This is can destroy the cognitive functioning of a child. They never learn to ground themselves, the emotional pain can be too much as an adult, that you just don't want to exist anymore. To end the pain. I think Ray things about dying quite a lot, it is just not those once a while emotional breakdown. He might not think about it actively, it probably goes in the back of his which manifests as his extreme lack of self preservation

Also Alcoholism and depression has genetic factors, he might have inherited them from his mother.

SAND

The good side -

He is straight laced, honest and has good moral compass. Just like Ray, he also is genuine. He really values love and friendship. For him, it come before anything else

The best part, he is such a good listener. He listens calmly without judgement and knows how to respond well. The way he handled Ray talking about his mother (the contrast is visible when Top talks to Mew about his trauma, even if Top was lying that was such a insensitive way to respond). Or Nick talking about Boston. The first time they talked about Boston he asked him to stay away from him, because the mood was light but the second he just listened and expressed solidarity because Nick was vulnerable and sad. You don't give advice then (contrast again when Top advices Nick, though it was not insensitive like Mew since he barely knows Nick and he did not know Nick knows how Boston is)

He is giving and caring, Changing Ray's out of his clothes after dragging his ass back, charging his phone. His plants blooming and being lush green tells that, he puts constant effort and care in them, despite him being quite busy.

He loves selflessly to some extent, unlike Nick and Mew I don't think so he does not want to change Ray. He likes him for who is. He has questionable choices here but ethical nonetheless.

I don't think so he will not cause unnecessary issues to other to get self-gratification or quell jealousy like Boston or Nick. Top, Mew and even Ray has the tendency to do it. But, I can't see him lying, scheming for purely his self-interest which can harm others. He is confident in who he is and values self. He knows drama and wants no part in it. Boy just wants to sing, earn and love

Also he hates, eats and punches the rich

The not so good side-

He might lie to others, but he does lie to self. The whole getting in Ray's orbit despite knowing he is playing with 'fire'. He knew who and how he was, unlike other pairs they have been the most 'themselves' with each other, so him getting hurt by Ray is a lot on him as well. He clearly know he can't expect but yet he does.

He recognizes red flags but still not only choses to stay with them rather keep getting involved. Obviously Ray but also Nick, when he made him listen to a Sex tape he recorded. I would be wary of such a guy. Let's see if this develops

He has savior complex, He cares too much when he does, gives too much. It is good to give, but never when it erodes you. Because then do tend to set unrealistic expectations from others, which is unfair to them, they never owed you that. Everyone has different emotional capacity. Like him getting upset with Ray, because for him he did not care as much as Sand would have wanted. He knows he is somewhat unreasonable here, but who has stopped emotions? There is thin line which I think sand has the tendency to break

He might have anger issues, yes the bat and punching Top.

Why? We don't know anything of his past or family yet. So a conjecture here.

Maybe he grew up with a single mother family(absent /dead father). He saw his mother struggle for herself and for him, so wants to do for others. She feels like good person because Sand is clearly raised well.

He might have a bad past relationship (Boeing??) who cheated with Top, so maybe he has some residual insecurity and trauma from that

Also, he feels like the case of "To save myself, I have to save others". To feel needed because he might be feel that he is not enough or could not do enough in the past, so over-compensating for it now

Other Stray thoughts

I don't really care if RaySand are endgame are now(though since it is gmmtv and they are setting them so heavily, giving them complementary names, issues, a genuine friendship, mostly redeemable issues I think they might, but that is besides the point). OF is story about problematic queers conveyed through pairs. Obviously queer people are messy, the amount of trauma they endure growing up - unable to fit in, discrimination, non-acceptance and even abuse from family and sexual abuse(yes it is more common than you think). It will fuck anyone up and without therapy, they keeping fucking other people up. So yeah, I hope Ray and Sand became that people who help each other to be better. Like how there are some people you meet and the things they do for you, help you improve yourself. I hope they have that arc.

This is till EP4, so I will probably update after a couple of episodes to see how they are doing! and if I am right on conjectures

[shi-daisy]

Ma'am chapter 10 of A Court of Threads and Daisies has me sobbing in a corner and I require fluff compensation in the following chapters! 😭😭😭

Since I don't have an AO3 account I'd like to get my thoughts out here. First of all I've loved this fanfic since the beginning, it takes some skill to fix the zillion plot holes this series has and you are doing so beautifully. Really love how you can make me laugh one chapter and cry the next, the characterization is on point and the ocs are all very lovable. It's great

This one specific chapter though. It was so emotional and sad despite starting out so sweet. Matches so well with the song (Yeah I took you rec of listening to the songs when reading the chapters and it hit so hard during the drowning scene) Can't say I've ever cried this hard before reading a fanfic but goddamn did I got through almost 20 tissues!

It's a small thing but I love how having loved ones and support isn't enough to heal Tamlin just yet, especially since the cause for most his pain it's still guilt and the Night Court's inner circle. Until that's dealt with he won't be 100% fine again. So many stories use love and/or sex to fix a person but I'm glad that here, Tamlin might be recovering but can still relapse when pushed like a real suicidal person would. Thankfully he has Lucien and his family with him no matter what. I was losing it along with them when they thought he'd died. 😭😭😭

All in all I loved both the sweet fluff and the angst and I'm certain I'll love the blood since we all know Azalea won't let the Night Court get away with this. Thank you so much for writing this awesome story, will be here until the end! 💗

Absodpflwskskagh Thank you so much!!! 💗💗💗 Anon it makes so happy to hear you're loving the fic. That's why I make it, it's for us all to enjoy!

Apologies for the tears, I was a puddle of tears too while I wrote it. Ask my Discord squad they all knowwwww. I'm so happy to hear it's making everyone emotional. It is what I strive for.

Yeah one of the things that bothers me most about ACOTAR and romance other series it's that they like to gush about mental health and healing yet don't go through the nasty parts of it. The relapses, and slips one can have even with good support and love, along with the less than tolerable symptoms. Instead they just have the MC's get some dick and call that therapy. This ain't it chief. I do plan to have spicy scenes in the story and romantic love as well as that of family, friends and colleagues play a part for healing but it's not the one solution to our golden boy's issues. Baby needs therapy AND cuddles.

Oh trust me anon. The Night Court are getting what's coming to them. Again my chat group is sick of me saying how bad I wanted to get to the bashing and yes Azalea is about unleash hell. It'll be bloody 😈😈😈

So happy to hear you like it and I'm grateful for the support. Stay lovely!

[berezina]

What I can tell you for sure is that I am not just a horny person. I am also a spiteful one. So, while the need to impress men is always present, the desire to compete with them often raises its ugly head. I will never forget the look of pity on my university boyfriend's face when he mentioned the name of the then-leader of the Labour Party, and I sheepishly responded, ‘Who’s that?’. I have been compensating ever since.

I have examples of personal/professional achievements corresponding to men to fill a whole book (watch out for that debut novel/memoir). Right before I started doing political commentating, I dated an older man (tastefully older, not creepily so)— a former cabinet minister (not from Westminster, stop googling). I would watch his interviews when he was my age and a rising star. Seeing how well he performed caused me not just emotional anguish but deep physical pain. How could he be so good, so young? Why couldn’t I? I didn’t know where my lust for him ended and my crippling unrequited ambition began.

When the former cabinet minister let me go, I tortured myself with fantasies of the woman he would end up with. Maybe one with a Times column. One who knows what to do with her cutlery at the end of a meal and whose please and thank yous sound natural and intuitive, not rehearsed and forced. One that reserves her personal anecdotes for her published autofiction and would never stoop so low as to exploit her private life for a newsletter with a minuscule distribution. Her agent wouldn’t let her anyway (she obviously has one of those). She’d be just as pretty as me but more successful and poised.

This last paragraph is bait for the trads to tell me I don’t have time left and need to forget these high-powered 10s and settle with a mythical nice quiet man (is this a euphemism for men who want to date out of their league?) that has literally never been on offer for women of my type and who, even if existent, would probably vomit from anxiety if he found himself naked in a room with me- a Greek valkyrie.

~Stella Tsantekidou [source]

[wri0thesley]

Mann I just wanna rant here; finishing a tragic quests at the crack of daily reset is NOT a good idea. Im very upset, i cant sleep properly, had to wake up with my stomach burning in acid and i havent slept long(almost 3 hrs ha). I dont even know if id admire the genshin writers or not for that lmao the mental scarring and sadness for me, the pain goes beyond. Its so bleak, I NEED RESOLUTION AND MAKE HER PLAYABLE Made it vague as i dont wanna spoil if you havent played it yet, youll know when /1

Anonymous asked: When you know. If you feel suspicious even a LITTLE of EVERYTHING, have your tissues ready by then. 90 primos and the mora chests isnt enough compensation for the emotional damage this quest caused, I NEED RESOLUTION ASAP /2

oh no . . . i havent done the quest i THINK you're talking about but i already dealt with the emotional feelings of the aranara quest and the first jeht quest, i cannot cope with more of this. hoyoverse please i just want to be happy

[goodboijohnny]

Okay, this is the last time I'm making a statement on this. I am posting it publicly for all to see, I have nothing to hide.

I've done questionable shit when I was 18, I didn't understand how internet safety worked and I was groomed on it myself, I didn't understand being an adult would change anything. I behaved online as I did as a kid and I wasn't educated or prepared for the conseequences I or others would face for it. When I realized I was doing problematic things I posted multiple public apologies and offered comensation, begging anyone I'd hurt to tell me what I could do to fix it. No one wanted to. Eventually these public apologies were taken down against my will due to my tiktok getting banned shortly after posting a vid of me using my walker. Regardless, the apology was still up for at least a year, I never hid anything.

I have also explained multiple times that I suffer with (and am professionally diagnosed with) the following:

Autism, cptsd, did, bpd, dyslexia, dyscalcula, ocd, hypersexual disorder, clinical depression, anxiety, derealization, dissociation, amnesia, maladaptive daydreaming, and time distortion (these are not all my diagnosises, just the ones that play a part in my online/general behavior the most)

I am not blaming my mental illnesses for my actions in the past. I still take full responsibility for the misunderstandings I had acted upon and the harm I caused. But again, I literally suffer from psychosis, I can't just sweep that under the rug.

All I'm saying is I have grown a lot as a person, and I still am growing as one now. I am not the same man I was when I was 18 and its unfair and immature to hold me to the same standards. Again, if ANYONE has a bad experience with me or was traumatized by me in the past would like to suggest something I can do to make things right, I'd be absolutely honored to be given such an opportunity. But I'm done with the extra rumors and bullshit my ex has been spreading and I'm not going to sit here and allow myself to feel shitty for things I have never done. You cannot expect someone to grow or become better if you don't allow them to grow from their mistakes and move one. You can't keep throwing their past in their face. I know its there, I acknowledge it, and its over now. Leave me the hell alone.

Lucius/Dead/my ex, I am no longer afraid of you and if you continue this path of spreading rumors and misinformation, I will post the evidence of your emotional and psychological abuse. I've been quiet because I want this to end peacefully, but Devil and I have recorded and photographed proof against you that I kept. I will delete it if you leave me alone and cease your stalking behavior. Please.

For anyone else, I am immediately abandoning this account for my own safety, as I have been successfully doxxed before and have had my life threatened recently. I have a new family now, I will not risk their saftey over online drama. However, I will be watching this in case my past victims comment or come forward to give me the opportunity to apologize personally or compensate somehow for the trauma I induced. If they read this and cannot bring themselves to, I understand. I am so so sorry, I still feel terrible and I hope you heal well. I welcome your anger, sadness, and pain in the comments. Feel free to express it. If I could say the things I wanted to to my abusers this way, I'd take the chance in a heartbeat. Your trauma is valid, no matter how big or small. You didn't deserve it. You are allowed to mourn. Never feel pressured to forgive your abusers, even if they grow. You were still hurt. I'm sorry I misunderstood my own actions and allowed you to experience the consequence. Please, do what it takes to heal.

Thank you.

[notmuchtoconceal]

I know the lil midget is a deeply traumatized child who can barely tell up from down because he's never had a stable and reliable understanding authority figure in his life, and it's like -- yeah, man. It's why I sympathize with him. Don't wanna have to grill his ass so hard, but like -- bro.

If somebody is making an effort to listen and bare your pain, day in, day out, like -- yeah, if you come to just expect it, and aren't willing to understand that having to endure your constant negative energy is a sacrifice which is getting harder now -- in part because of personal reasons, in part because you imagining and hyper-fixating on the gulf widening and replaying all your abandonment fantasies is exasperating it, and then it's like -- holy shit. I'm sitting here giving you all this free psychological counseling, and you're so low-broil psychotic, you can only see me as the bad man. There's only so much I can remain clam and endure you being violently mentally ill unprovoked before I just snap back, sweetie. You can't expect me to have the patience of a saint, then cry and feel unwanted when I have reservations about bashing your skull against the headboard and skullfucking the split in your suture like the mushroom cloud of your erupting brain. I mean, honestly man.

Did you ever try to consider my needs? You're a hurt woman, and a wounded child, and an angry vindictive man all wrapped up in one. You're fragile, temperamental, unhinged, and it's like ... what I liked about you was that your intelligence left me in awe, and like ... how we never ran out of things to talk about, and it's like ... that one night where we just talked about renaissance painting for three hours and it was already two AM and we never did again, cause it just ... I dunno. Never came up? You were constantly surprising me with how much you knew. Yet, you were also in so much pain. You were constantly flipping your shit over nothing. I had my own problems. I had my own things going on. Most of the time you were making so many assumptions so quickly, I could only sort of ... half-respond. Like, by the end especially, it started to feel like you were mind-fucking yourself to anal orgasm six times a minute, and just using me as a prop. Holy fuck, bro. What am I supposed to do -- what script am I supposed to run -- what mindset am I supposed to occupy -- when I'm both ten years younger than you, but also the only stable male presence you've got -- and you regard me, simultaneously and contradictory, as a father substitute, but also an average idiot millennial.

(Which, btw ... nobody else has ever seen me as either, let alone both.)

Like ... so much of your prodigious intellect is compensating for a total lack of emotional self-awareness, and it's painful. It's needy projective Ayn Rand oh-fuck-I-need-to-cuck myself style narcissism because, in your grandiosity you are both projecting an aspirational fantasy onto me, but you also need to think I'm weaker and stupider than you, so it feels safe to be with me -- this however, induces complications.

You? I saw you simply as a person of tremendous strengths and corresponding weakness. I regret that you leaving me in awe played into your existing narcissistic abuse vis-a-vis the idealization phase, but your mind & the depth of your knowledge truly left me in awe. It's just I didn't want to marry you because of personal incompatibilities, and I also didn't want you to be my only friend. If you were my only friend, that would play into my own narcissistic abuse, I wish you would have been respectful enough to feel out and respect my decisions instead of needing to blame me to let yourself off the hook. You probably learned that from your dad. I know you think of your dad when I ignore you. When I ignored my own narcissistic father, it gave me strength. If my coping mechanism is triggering you, you need to act in your capacity as a self-reasoning adult and remind yourself my own emotions matter more to me than yours, and yours should correspondingly matter less than sense.

Yeah, for real bro. You're short-sighted, selfish and stupid.

Nothing else I can fucking say. You're the source of your unhappiness.

Do something about it.