#i wanna go home but ill be okay
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I dont love her in that way but ow it hurts when she spends time w him,,, I'm so alone man. I don't want a relationship but.. I want a friend I can do everything with, and she was that friend, and he's perfect for her but I'm worried like what if all our plans go down the drain bc he comes first. She reassures me all the time, it must get exhausting, but I can't help how I feel. It hurts
Edit: I'm hungry that's why I'm anxietypostinh but also feel too ill to eat oof... i also don't want to talk to my housemate in this state I feel like I'll cry if I try to talk
#vent#emotions: cringe!#but its like yeah my chest rlly hurts i need to eat methinks#i went on a long walk around town today#it wasnt as relaxing as id hoped#it was crowded and despite it only being 5pm there were party girls and big groups of lads everywhere#i got bubble tea and a muffin bc i havent been eating right#im not adapting well to living alone again#i wanna go home but ill be okay#i cant always rely on my parents#i have to tear myself away like ripping off a plaster#it'll hurt but its worth it in the end#when im back at uni with structure and people i love#ill eat properly#until then my anxiety is sorta puppeteering me#i feel so rubbish#oh we ll
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convinced that being around autistic queer people heals the soul. that’s when i feel like i’m alive
#i miss eve so much. i miss when lex and i were five minutes apart. i miss being around people i can be wholly myself around without having#to tone down anything#anyways im preparing to go home :(#im at least still excited to see lex bc hes coming down soon. and ill see my kitty and puppy again#i dont… dislike my family btw. i do get along with my mom. im okay and i dont wanna make ppl think im not#well except my brother. hate that guy.#its just that its more traditional with them. i cant really express myself without getting comments for it#echoed voice
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OOOH MORE WIPS UPON YYEEE i amm gonna crawl outa this artblock even if it KILLS ME! and speaking of killsing. whats with THIS dead guy huh??? its chip jrwi baby yeaaah its undead chip baby yeaaaahh its chip n hes fucken dead and rotting and gross and OOHHH IM SO PROUD OF HIm(for being dead)
#riptide spoils#HEY REMEMBER THAT SPOILER TAG I MENTIONED I WOULD USE#ieah i know its ppprobably commonish knowledge rn what happpend to chip n stuff but yknwo.#still a pretty big fuckan spoily#ANYWAY LOOOK AT HOW MY STYLE SIMPLIFIES AND BOILS DOWN ALL THE COMPLEXITIES INTO CONSISTANCIES#i think the flow of my art going from more detailed to less detailed is fun heheheh weeee!! having fun and drawing!!#ALSO I MISSED DRAWING CHIPP OUHHH ITS BEEN SO LONNGGand now look at him...hes gorgus....HES SO CHARMINGLY GROSS#twirling my hair kicking my legs honesttllyyyyy ive been sooo in love w chip since i started the show... hes just so cute and stabbable#like i waant to see him in unimaginable pain and agony and also i want to see him hold hands w several other characters#INCREDIBLY easy to ship w people if u just look at how much every1 WANTS this guy. like remember how niklaus treated him. like damn.#ill draw another 'i ship chip w everyone' page again.someday.if u wanna see the first one u gotta go dig it up. go fetch.#anyway isnt it wack that chip is just dead now and hes jsut gotta deal w that and hes about to go into a big important arc as a dead boy#CAN U IMAGINE the reactions when he comes home. he wears the disguise ofc but all it takes is a hug to realize that he is rotting mush now#and also bones. HES TERRIFYING. hes gross. HES EVERYTHING U WANT. is he okay.#TRUST THE PROCESS! THE HOLY WATER SHOWER HURTS BUT WELL. MAYBE THATS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE. UNDEAD BASTARD. FUUUCK#IM working on other doodly pages. finishing up an edyn one thats VRY OLD.also a queen doodly page.ouuhh i gotta relisten to som eps tho...#but i dont have TIME or SPACE FOR PODCATS RN!!! HELPP!!!WAT THE FUCK IS JUDGMENT??????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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i am having. a bad day.
#(before the rant: hehe hi uni thankie for the spam ily 🫂 /p)#but i was an hour late for work. i got a first degree burn on my hand. i almost cried. i was so close to slamming the headset and going hom#and that was all within three hours of my shift#im on break now 🥰 i feel okay apart from the stinging hand#i still wanna go home but at least its a 7 hour shift rather than 8!! ill have just under three hours when i go back#im getting an emotional support honey crueller when i finish from timmies next door#update: got sent home two hours early bc i got the burn wrapped up and then couldn't work with one hand
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The meltdown can't get me if I'm hiding under a blanket, right? Right?
#i fucking hate it here. i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i wanna go home#another giant bug in my room. this happens all the fucking time here. i cant take it anymore#the one fucking place here thats supposed to be safe (my room) and it keeps! not! being! that!#ive been so on edge the whole fucking week. like even more than normally. snd then suddenly theres a loud big scary bug right behind me!!!!!#and i couldnt even go into another room to calm down before removing it because then i might run into my roommates#(objectively okay people but if i have to talk to anyone else today ill be on the news)#i just wanna go home#:((((((((((((((
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Stupid period vent
If youre a cis man; kiss a uterous haver on the forehead today
Cus fuck this feels like a mental parasite
#:(#i hate getting my period :(#im so emotional#fuck a stupid tiktok has me hyperventalating over hpw i miss my mom and i was 4 again#my dad doesnt come home for another 3 hrs......#i need a hug so badly i wanna call him and ask him to come home but i shouldnt#.....fuck i think i might need to#i hate that i was literally fine until that stupid tiktok....#have you guys seen the cat Mao cartoons on tiktok? i always get sucked and forget theyre always emotional#this one was about a mom cat and a kitten and the mom cat died#i hate my mom and think she did horrendous things to me i shouldnt be screaming how much i miss her#fuck.#i dont wanna keep growing up and watching everyone die or leave#fuck im spiraling so bad#the safe thing might be to call my dad but i really really shouldnt make him leave work#i can never do the right thing im so fucking broken#i really need a hug and a joint#if i dont message you back im ok: i just feel very uncontrollable rn#going back n forth between anger and heartbreak#ALL OF THIS OVER A FUCKING TIKTOK#im so fucking stupid..#ill be okay i just hate being alone when im thinking about my mom/dark stuff#im not even sewerslidal im just extreamly emotional and its scaring me#if im not ok by 3pm ill call my dad#i feel nothing one minute and then i feel everything and rinse repeat#i just hate that i get triggered so easily#i already feel a lil calmer im just tired n need a hug#i know that im safe my body just physically does not feel safe#so im like trapped in my head#but if my dad was here hed be able to pull me out
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#apparently I’m not done being mad about this I’m sorry guys I gotta vent#my dad is like an ox and never sick and like not very understanding with health issues/general illness#which you’d think he would have been after having me the super sickly child with a ton of health issues but no#we have a positive Covid case in the house and I have the same fucking symptoms I just started later#I have taken two tests- one yesterday and one today#and he yelled at me saying I’m wasting tests and also that I’m apparently fine which like#even if I somehow don’t catch covid I’m still sick but okay dad 🫠#if it helps put things into a better perspective… did yall know that back in November after I had my 3rd fucking endometriosis surgery#he asked why I was off work for two weeks and why I didn’t go back the day after surgery?#like I had had this surgery twice before and at home recovery was also two weeks both those times#but moreover like sir I have 3 incisions in my abdomen and my job requires me to left 50lbs???#at which point he still insisted I was fine and was just being ‘dramatic’ 🙃#I wanna fucking scream#I’m lissed the fuck off#did yall know he nearly got me killed once because I had neurovirus and he refused to take me to the er?#I eventually lost consciousness from severe dehydration- he thought I was sleeping and continued to argue with my mom that I was fine 🫠#they eventually took me but I was unconscious for several hours and it took five bags of iv fluid for me to regain consciousness#and the doctor estimated I was about two hours away from death so like#yeah#if that gives yall a better idea of the shit I’m putting up with#I have like zero tolerance for dealing with his bullshit when I’m sick#it’s the trauma from not fucking being believed for years of my life about any of my illnesses#and like also the fucking almost dying part#fun times 🫠#I’m sorry I’m ranting so much today I’m just really fucking done and have no other outlet 🙃
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
....
anyways
#im a bit upset bc i was supposed to go home this weekend but my father has covid and i dont wanna get sick#and im a bit glad im staying here bc i have a lot to do#but that shit is so overwhelming i just wanted to go home and forget about uni#but its okay#my sister is taking me grocery shopping later so ill complain a bit and ill feel better then i guess#i think ill go to the library tomorrow and study a bit
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technically the contract for my new internship (signed & submitted, but i haven't actually started yet or turned in my payment info or anything) states that i'm supposed to start on monday. so strictly speaking i haven't lost hours on the job due to being sick this week, i guess. but in communication it was agreed that i would start this past monday for a lighter possibly part-time week of mostly onboarding and getting-to-know-the-office type work. which obviously i've missed due to hacking my lungs out in my house for the past eight days...it's not the end of the world for me to start next week, my boss is totally fine with it and wants me to be okay before starting, and it's not like i will have missed anything terribly important like a performance or something. and missing one week's worth of a paycheck is not going to ruin me financially, thankfully. but still, y'know, disappointed to have lost a week of productivity, especially in such a lucrative (job experience wise not necessarily money wise. but the money isn't terrible either.) internship i'm super lucky to have gotten in the first place. very much looking forward to finally starting on monday and putting this shit behind me
#i am SO fucking done with being sick#just waiting for my stupid immune system to get with the program already :/#i am recovering. today was mostly okay. i think by the weekend i will be human again#(which is good bc. concert on sunday for youth orchestra i have to work. and i missed the rehearsal yesterday bc of Sick. wheee)#i really am extraordinarily lucky i think. in multiple regards#that my fellowship bosses and coworkers were supportive of me staying home when i got sick on the last day of the term#(therefore having to miss helping out with two of the biggest events of the year and force them to last minute cover for me)#and that my bosses/coworkers at my youth orchestra job are patient and accommodating with my being sick too#(right before the last concert of the season)#and that my new boss/coworkers for my internship were willing to give me a week to recover from unexpected illness#the same week i was supposed to start#also that i'm still getting/have gotten paid normally for the fellowship and the youth orchestra jobs despite missing a day each#and shaving a week off from my internship isn't going to strain me financially#truly i am lucky. and i'm grateful for that#for the ability to stay shut up in my house for ten days feeling physically and mentally miserable.#but not actually worrying about if i could afford it#i wanna talk about me
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🍂
#havent been posting a lot on here because things are kind of shitty at home#I won't go into details but being an nd queer nonbinary kid in a desi household is an uphill battle fr#and im sure my parents love me but i don't think they like me very much#and uh. yeah. the ensuing grief isn't thematically consistent with my 'cool fun enthusiastic learner megumi' persona you see on here#and also. ppl irl have kind of stalked me on tumblr before so i don't really feel safe enough venting here either#im just very grateful to have friends who have been listening to me vent for the past many days. things are okay. i hope i feel better soon#i have been following my days of productivity tho! ive just been updating it on my notion instead. ill transfer it here when i feel better#hope you guys have been doing good and taking care <3 lots of love and virtual hugs <3#also to the besties i sent asks to... i saw the replies! i just wanna reply when im in a better headspace!#currently ive just been drowning myself in tv shows and books to avoid my feelings#meg.txt
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SO TODAY....
(THIS IS ONLY FOR ROSE)
#ok so like we had first 2 classes free ok like literally both the teachers did not come akshsjdh#anyways so like on wednesday 2-3 people in our class were discussing himym and i also joined them because I LOVE HIMYM#(himym is the sitcom how i met your mother)#sp hands guy heard us and was like what show are yall talking about and we told him and he was like okay ill watch#and he is a binge watcher apparently so like when we met today he was like ive watched till ep16 of season1#i was like bro????? how?????#anyways in 2nd free lecture he was like im gonna watch an episode of himym and i was like i wanna watch too#SO he gave me one of his earpods and WE WATCHED THE EPISODE TOGETHER AKSGSJDH#anyways after that hmm okay it was just like normal talking and all#but ya. TALKING.🤭#he is just like me he is also doesnt care about tea or coffee he is a water guy#HE ALSO HAS CAT. AND HE HAS SAME OPINION AND THOUGHTS ABOUT DOGS THAT I HAVE.#and when class was over me and some friends were talking by the shops near our classes ka buliding and hands guy joined later#and then we all group talked timepass for like 30 mins and then we were like its time to go home#so apparently the others all went one direction and me and hands guy were going same direction so we walked#so usually what i do is i walk a bit ahead of my class ka building because i get auto from there#and hands guy lives nearby so he just walks home#so today we were walking and talking and i walked SO much further more than i usually do because we were talking 😄#and thats all. today was nice.#gargi is keysmashing
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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In any case i slept it off and feel a bit better ab going home, and by slept it off i mean neo is telling me ab how we're gonna watch utena together and it's motivating me
#yes i posted about being violently ill and almost throwing up last night around 2 bc of how much i didn't wanna go home#yes i've decided it's okay after all. etc etc
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finished for the day 40 mins early but I can't catch an earlier bus so...... 🥱🥱
#.diaries#im booorreeeddd i wanna go home and eat leftover stir fry and watch anime let me out 😭😭😭😭#i fucking bet the bus will be late cuz of the friday traffic too ugh#it was crazy this morning i waited FORTY FIVE MINUTRS in -2C cold for my bus bc my usual one didnt show up#i JUST made it to work on time and one of the guys who drives said he saw it leave 15 mins before it was supposed to. what the hell man#the buses are always like 5-10 mins late unless they wanna fuck w me i guess#he used to take the same route as me so hes given me tips on getting in + an alternative bus route#so maybe ill try that in january (ive already paid for my current bus pass until the end of dec)#okay only half an hour now.... ill just read next weeks protocols and then take my sweet time getting my stuff from my locker ig
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