#i wanna finish this real bad but idk if ill have time

[variksel]

PICTURED: A polaroid image found in the desk drawer of someone belived to be named Lark Oak-Garcia at the D.A.D.D.I.E.S headquarters. The image depicts the 2019 Westrock Elementary soccer team "The Doodlers". Photographed by Henry Oak.

[crest-of-gautier]

made an eeny bit of progress in pq today... im like maybe 80% through the 3rd floor of you in wonderland and currently level 11...!

[agaypanic]

They're open yay omg!! Ok I had a cute idea for Rodrick Heffley if you're up for it! :)

Rodrick x Male!Reader where reader sings him 'boyfriend' by Big Time Rush the same way that Rodrick sang 'baby' by Justin Bieber for that one girls birthday (I literally don't remember her name lol but also it doesn't have to be his birthday) but like, it doesn't end as badly as it did for him lmao

Idk if they should be an established relationship between him and reader or if this is like readers confession so ill let you choose what you feel like writing for!

Boyfriend (Rodrick Heffley X Male!Guitarist!Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: While waiting for your friends to show up to band practice, you decide to show Rodrick a new song you’ve been working on.

A/N: this is my first time writing for rodrick so pls lmk how i did! au where reader wrote ‘boyfriend’ instead of btr (with a few tweaks). rodrick and reader are in the talking stage (i dont wanna say situationship but ig that works lol) but their friends dont know about it. the only instrument i know about is the violin so sorry if i get anything wrong. also i think doing singing in stories/fics is kinda weird/awkward but whatever lol

***

You always cherished the few minutes you had alone with Rodrick during band practice. Sure, you liked your other friends. But there was something about being able to watch Rodrick not put on the whole ‘bad boy rocker’ persona that he was used to wearing. Around you, he felt like he could wind down and not think as much.

Although, he didn’t think too much in the first place.

“I think we have a real shot at winning this talent show,” Rodrick said, drumming a beat on your thigh as he watched you tune your guitar. “We just need to practice more.”

“Well, I think we sound fine right now.”

“We don’t need to sound fine; we need to sound great!”

“Chill out, Roddy.” You said gently, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s a month away; we have plenty of time.”

“Don’t call me that.” Despite his words, the corner of Rodrick’s lip twitched up at the nickname. You were the only one who called him that. At first, he didn’t like it; it wasn’t a hardcore rocker name. But soon, he found himself getting giddy at the softness of it. “I guess you’re right, though.” 

Rodrick strummed his fingers across the strings of your guitar, laughing when you slapped his hand away.

“Work on anything new lately?” He asked, looking up at you from his hunched-over position. Along with being the guitarist, you were one of the main songwriters in Löded Diper, having many one-on-one writing sessions with Rodrick. That’s how the two of you grew closer, going from childhood friends playing on slides to somewhere between friends and something more, playing songs. Secret handshakes turned to lingering touches, and loud laughs turned to whispered jokes.

You were a bit hesitant to answer. You had been working on some new songs, but they didn’t exactly fit the Löded Diper brand. They were love songs, most, if not all, written with Rodrick in mind. 

“Kind of.” You finally say, picking at a frayed edge of your jeans. Rodrick perked up, always loving your new material.

“Yeah? Show me!”

“It’s not exactly like the stuff we play.” You argue, a bit anxious at the thought of Rodrick hearing what you had been toying with recently. “Besides, it’s not finished.”

Rodrick just shrugged, leaning back in his seat.

“Show me anyway.”

You hated how you could never say no to those eyes. You sighed and finally agreed, fiddling with your guitar while trying to remember the chords.

“No laughing.” You say.

“When do I ever laugh at you, Y/n?”

“All the time.” With that, you started playing. You gave Rodrick a nervous glance before clearing your throat and singing.

“Have you ever had the feeling you’re drawn to someone?

And there isn’t anything they could of said or done?

And everyday I see you on your own

And I can’t believe that you’re alone

But I overheard your friends and this is what they said”

Looking over at Rodrick, you saw him intently listening. Any other time, you’d be prideful of the fact that all his attention was on you. But right now, it made you wanna run. But you stayed planted in your seat and continued with the song.

“That you’re looking for a boyfriend

I see that, gimme time, you know I’m gonna be there

Don’t be scared to come put your trust in me

Can’t you see all I really want to be

Is your boyfriend

Can’t fight that

Knock me down you know I’m coming right back

I don’t care at all what you done before

All I really want is to be your

Boyfriend”

You let the last chord ring out before you set your guitar down and cleared your throat.

“So, yeah…” Rodrick kept staring at you. “That’s… the song.”

Rodrick scooted closer to you, and you lifted your head to face him eye-to-eye.

“Did you write that about me?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. You bit your lip, watching how his hair fell from the movement.

“Depends.” You say, taking a deep breath. “Did you like it?”

Suddenly, Rodrick laughed. It made you stiffen, but you soon relaxed when he put a hand on the back of your neck.

“You’re so corny, dude.” He said before closing the gap between you. 

After the shock washed away, you gripped at his hair and ratty t-shirt, wanting to keep him close. You had come close to kissing Rodrick a few times, mainly while drunk at parties that you shouldn’t have been at or during writing sessions that eventually got interrupted by Rodrick’s younger brother Greg. But those close moments didn’t prepare you for how good the real thing felt.

When you parted, you rested your forehead on Rodrick’s as the two of you caught your breath. You opened your eyes and moved back a bit so you could see him clearly.

“So…” You start, not knowing what to do from here. “Are you looking for a boyfriend?”

“Sure.” Rodrick snorted before kissing you again.

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading in jp 11 - wrap up for vol 2 + i can talk about TriStamp undertaker wolfwood a little!!! whooo!!!

its been hella weird to read trigun in japanese since my first read was in english. i think i dug out a few extra stuff i didnt know existed in the work during this little journey. (thank you for joining in on my rambles!)

no real translation word related stuff today. mostly culture stuff dump.

but man i was right on the money when i said vash was stressed in #10. i forget he actually falls unconscious after dominique quits the narrative. yay~

me after i finish these posts at 5am every time

and then, him.

🥺✨✨raidei the blade. ✨✨ 🥺

listen. this guy. this fucking guy is, personally, the funniest guy in the entirety of trigun. for that line above in the 98 anime, and also for some stuff he represents. ...and it's not for larping reasons. ill get into that another day, please look forward to it. (i say this knowing his backstory was rough.)

anyway its time.... for Wolfwood's 'job change'.

in the manga he introduces himself as a tradesman Priest. it doesnt make much sense to outsiders but despite people getting confused, it mostly gets hand waved off as the guy being a little eccentric. and also prideful.

we then get more information about that being a cover for him being one of the Gung Ho Guns, Chapel. he can fight, hes an assassin, his job is to somehow get at Vash while being technically employed by Knives.

this wolfwood has absolutely no struggle with himself as a Priest specifically. heck, its even giving him some confidence bc he actually knows his stuff and can get by with those priestly things alone. at least, i assume so, bc otherwise the pride thing would be very misplaced as he is revealed that he really wants out of the insane GHG business, and wants nothing to do with his coworkers, as it were.

but TriStamp Wolfwood is... different in that pride regard

this version of wolfwood introduces himself as an Undertaker. he's technically a Priest, but he clearly lacks so much pride that he chooses to be an Undertaker.

the narrative tracks since he's the guide to send Vash to hell in tristamp, but theres at least 1 more layer to this.

so, Shinto! Shinto has played a very big part in Japanese culture and history since idk the beginning of Japanese history, affecting society and culture and governance.

key thing for this post: Shinto has a concept named Kegare/Defilement, which you can think of as an accumulation of evil energy. bad energy. bad enough to attract misfortune, evil spirits, and evil evil evil bad bad bad. (ive actually written about this in video game context before if you wanna read it here)

Kegare is generated upon death, blood, menstruation, and all that. in some modern media, Kegare can also be depicted to be generated by an accumulation of negative emotions from people. but for the longest time, it was mainly Death. (oh and somewhat also women with the whole uh.... you know, menstruation, childbirth, and stillbirths etc.)

but: Kegare is NOT sin, and should not be seen as such.

old japan governance also used Caste System. so combine that with shinto, and society and here's the not fun stuff: we now have a discriminated class of people who did all of society's very necessary but deemed dirty jobs. these are the Butchers, Leatherworkers, Executioners, and Undertakers. (which is wild. a society would not be able to function without them.)

they are shunned, deemed too dirty, too tainted, too polluted to ever have a hope of having a better life. since social mobility wasnt a thing with Caste System. and coming too close to them means pollution on the self too.

the Caste System got abolished, and today the descendants are called Burakumin 部落民. they are still being discriminated against to this day. the remnants of the dirtiness with certain jobs still remain, especially with jobs that involves the dead. its also possible to know who is a descendant of one through family names, which can be used to trace family registry and sus out old residences etc.

feel free to watch the above video for a clearer explanation by a japanese man instead of just taking my word for it >_>

back to wolfwood.

studio orange making him go from Priest to Undertaker is likely rooted in a logic associated with this. that TriStamp wolfwood lacks the confidence to have a strong identity outside of GHG, whereas manga wolfwood has. that TriStamp wolfwood really does think of himself as trash and worthless even before outsiders' judgement, whereas manga wolfwood's struggle is more about an internal struggle of being lost.

manga wolfwood is also never truly free from his identity as Chapel until the very end.

but TriStamp wolfwood gets a full contract saying that hes free from Chapel (i assume!)

i think theres also additional implications but im losing braincells by the minute. the change makes so much sense and tracks so well that apart from the confidence thing, everything is more or less intact.

(worth possibly nothing also, I think TriStamp wolfwood isnt fully checking boxes of uhhh Normality in japanese context. hes dressed in a mess, hes not clean shaven, his skin is kinda dark and not fair, he speaks in non-standard japanese. but ymmv, he will be ok in kansai at least, but not fully fitting in in Capital Tokyo nor ex-Capital Kyoto.)

i also, admittedly, dont know much about the culture surrounding death and undertakers within the states or europe so i cant comment much on that aspect. im aware i must have missed something. on that front, sorry D:

anyway thats all i got for now! thanks for reading this long ass post!

[screampied]

see I just realised you said GHOST and not ghostface,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that’s very embarrassing I wish I could unsend an ask bc that’s so embarrassing,,,,,,,,,,,, EISH IM CURLIN UP I MISREAD IT AGHHH

close enough it’s TOJI and he’s sexy so :3333

did he js flick the reader’s forehead,,, OU HIS HANDS ARE COLD?? MEOWWWWW “are you even listening” NO KING IM TRYNA HEAR UR DICKS HEARTBEAT MIAOOWWWWWW

“wanna feel?” 😧 well,,,,,,,, it must be the witching hour bc I’m about to do some magical spells on that shit LMFAOAOA 😭 “knock y’erself out” AYE AYE CAP’N 😻‼️

HAPPY TRAIL??????? AND DIANA IS ON THE PROWL MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW “you wanna find out?” VEGAS YOURE KILLING ME SHES HISSING I CANT DO THIS AUSGGDHFHFHFHF “c’mere then” LAWD IM IN HEAT sorry that is wild..

“knees” did and done 🧎🏾‍♀️”bra, take that off too” SO HE WANNA SEE MY TITS 😛😛😛 BEST BELIEVE THAT SHIT IS FLYING OFF (I’m so sorry.) “fuck, y’er pretty” THANK YOU DADDY 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

“it’s too big for you? thats my bad” cocky about his cock,,, I NEED HIM AUGGH

“play with your tits” … radio silence…………… unexpected……….. NO BC THE WAY MY JAW ACC DROPPED I WAS LIKE WOAH?? BUT I MEAN SHIT IF THERES A WILL THERES A WAY I GOT THE ASSETS FOR ALLAT !!

“such a pretty mouth, ugh” the ugh in italic? I HEARD IT?? LAED?? IM SO FINISHED IM PROPERLY DONE “good girl. haah, ‘s good” meows.

“yer nasty” VEGAS YOU ALWAYS SERVE AT THE RIGHT TIMES IVE BEEN GEEKING ABOUT BEING CALLED NASTY FOR DAYS AND YOU PULL THIS, I CANTTTT “play with yourself” FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

“you want that, sweets?” I CALL PEOPLE SWEETS TOO OMG ME N HIM TWINNIN and wtf is ectoplasm.. IS IT YHAT GREEN SHIT FROM GHOSTBUSTERS?? OH NAH GMFU SAY WHAT NOW?? nvm its whitee, false alarm :P

“Yer mouths gettin smart” IT CAN GET SMARTER, OG OFFICE SIREN RIGHT HERE !! “fuuuuuuuuck me” lawd……… LAWD I LOVE WHEN MEN DO THAT

“I wanna break you” sweet and sour kebabs.. “you have to pay for that you kno-" LMFOAOAOAOAOAO WE ARE FUNNYY “you played with her?” he referred to it as her… screampied’s version of toji is the man of my dreams NOT YOU ADRESSING IT LMFAOAOOA YOURE SO REAL FOR THAT

“n-no” “y-yea” moans. THE MOCKING I NEED THIS IN MY LIFEEE “look at that tongue” IM DYING IM BEDRIDDEN IM ILL HELP ME “listen to it with me” WOWZA “atta girl” YOWZA !

“whatever spell you had” TOLD YALL IMA BE ON MY WITCH SHIT 🗣️‼️ DONT PLAY WITH CATTTTTTT I WAS CASTIN SPELLS ALLLLL OVER LIKE “PUSSARIUS DRUNKIOS” BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO NOW HE LUV IT, IM TEWWW GOOD 😛

DID IT END OFF W A WHINY NEEDY TOJI??? im a LITTLE too good .. BUT LAWD YOU ATE IT DOWNNNN, HATS OFF TO YOU QUEENIE

— pearl anon !!!! :3

LMAOOO OMG 🫦🫦🫦 tehe yesss he’s an actual ghost but id love to write ghostface toji one day 🤚🏽 that'd eat so hard bruh

the dick's heartbeat 😭😭😭 that's new i'm gonna use that one day. YESSSS HIS HAPPY TRAIL, i could literally write so much ab happy trails it’s actual sick idk ??? like they’re jus so sexy to me. happy trails >>>

NOT U CALLING THE COOTER DIANA PLS

right he’s so cocky he just needs to get put in his place like … (he does 🌚) HEHEJE YESSS UGH IN ITALIC. it just has more pizzazz me thinks, omg i love that word pizzazzzzz. HELPPPP ectoplasm is a ghost like substance but since it’s fanfiction let’s say it’s another type of cum 👨🏽‍💻👨🏽‍💻

YESSS tojis pussy talk is literally unmatched, literally got an ask to elaborate on his pussy talk n i’m so GEEKEDDDDD. writing his dialogue makes my stomach churn up in KNOTSSSS

right. we love sassy reader's w backbone before being put in their place >>>> THE WITCH SHIT BYE. pussarius drunkios HELP ???? 😭😭😭😭

yep, whiney toji my fav 🫦 did all that just to get put in his place <3 he’s never gonna leave us bc he’s too pussy whipped now 🙂‍↕️

[raidante]

As soon as I finished my ask I saw you went to the hospital, Idk what happened but sincerely hope you're doing better now

I am!! Honestly if anyone wants to know it was honestly a really weird out of pocket thing. I'm a disabled person, who suffers from scoliosis and arthiritis and other physical defencicies because genetics and idk, I'm just the unlucky one of my family (immune disorders and bone issues also run in my family).

I already had a struggle at the beginning of August where my muscles became extremely inflammed for no apparent reason (at the time my doctor hypothosized it was perhaps the beginning of an immune disorder forming as a reaction to me getting sick the week prior to it) and it rendered me more or less paralyzed. My limbs were weak, my legs were weak, my entire back was too weak to support my body. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand, and I could not get up if I sat down. I couldn't even open a ziplock back because my hamstrings were just Not responding (I could not bend my arms and grip things). But after 2 days of rest it slowly loosened up and I was like okay. weird. scary. lets hope this doesn't happen again? (also it made me take a week off work and I was paid in pennies for that, so financially it was even a worse issue LOL).

but a month later (2 weeks ago from now), it happened AGAIN. My original choice of action was like ok. I guess Ill try sleeping this off again too. But i ended up falling really hard on my side the next day getting up so I couldn't do anything; even crawling was extremely painful. Called my dad, whos like in his 60s and im over 200 pounds so he couldn't lift me and it ended with me calling the paramedics and getting lifted to the hospital and I was wheelchair bound as they took my vitals and it turns out I was lethally low on potassium which meant my body was paralyzed and if I tried sleeping it off I would have passed away in my sleep bc my heart would have slowed down until it stopped!!! so... a good thing I ended up falling? Otherwise I would have died later that night.

They kept me overnight on ivs to get my potassium back up to par and it hasnt really dipped since then. The weird thing is it was spontaneous; nothing in my diet and in my habits besides like...mental stress (work cut the budget so I literally havent had a shift in a month since today and have been living off my life savings and friends' donations to help me stay afloat w rent.,..its Bad. Ive been trying to get disability stuff filled but they make it REALLY TOUGH even when you are disabled like I am) but that isn't even enough of a factor for such a lethal drop. They said it appeared to be a slow gradual drop in potassium too instead of like a quick sudden one, which was why I was slowly going paralyzed over the course of a few days rather than just it happening suddenly (and if it dropped suddenly I'd have had a heart attack and died, so). Went to my PCP, he has no idea. Got so much blood drawn these past few weeks I now have a permanent needle and discoloration scar from where the IV drip was, lol, and I JUST scheduled with a kidney doctor since potassium is processed through kidneys, so...maybe Ill get an answer. Desperately searching google and the only real thing that comes up is this very rare like 1% disease that just is your body slowly begins to struggle processing potassium on its own and usually medications fix that... but idk how I'd even have that since nothing like that runs in my family.

Needless to say it was very weird, very frightening, and most of all financially FRUSTRATING. My insurance covered everything bc im extremely broke, but not working at all for like a month straight on top of it has absolutely devastated me and sapped out all my creativity</3 THAT SAID! I am trying to stir myself to draw again!!!!! I have ideas!!!!! i wanna DRAW! WRITE! Its just a matter of..getting myself to do it. And also there's a league of legends event so Ive been grinding out the battlepass since Ive been on standby for work shifts for a fucking month, lol.

also as for the cat!! Kitty i kept for 2 weeks and my sister and her husband took the kitty from me saturday because theyre gonna try adopting her! and if it doesnt work out theyre gonna help find a suitable home for her. She was very cute and I fed her everyday played with her gave her baths and slept with her and she definitely helped me feel a bit more Normal during such an abnormal time in my life. Here's a pic I took of her while she was hanging out w me!

she had very big sad eyes and a very squeaky meow

[dreamsy990]

ok so i finished bbs so time for thoughts!!!!

god this game has. issues. its my least favorite so far and im not saying its BAD im just saying it could be. better

i realize i was supposed to play terra > ven > aqua but i went in order of who i was least excited about to most so i did terra > aqua > ven. also i was super underlevel as terra and aqua so when i got to ven i grinded to level 10 the moment i was able to and then breezed through the whole game

i dont wanna say that i think the game should be shorter but i do think that its not very enjoyable for like 80% of the runtime. like i think most the worlds are boring idk. im not a very big disney person but usually the worlds are pretty interesting but this time around it simply Did not hit and i think it couldve been better? idk man. a few worlds were really good like all of hollow bastion as ven is super fun like i love seeing the org cast theyre just endlessly fun. seeing ansem tw in the ending did make me very angry though i hate that guy

this whole game is a downer and i knew that going in but still like. holy shit its depressing.

i love the main trio they are such a fucked up family i love their dynamic its honestly the best part of the game. also vanitas is a joy but also he is a total fucking wimp i could beat him up in real life. also fuck terranort! that about sums up my thoughts

hate the command system id honestly rather be doing coms card game at least that required some level of thought. i hate how the game can just rip the command i just made right out of my hands that is SO rude. also ima be real i still dont know how to play command board i never read the rules

honestly the game isnt that fun i didnt really enjoy it it kinda felt like a chore to play a lot of the time. i tend to be chronically underlevel in games and tgis is the game where i felt it the hardest so every once and a while i had to just set aside a couple hours to grind and like. i enjoy a challenge so i dont mind being underlevel but this was just painful i simple Could Not. also FUCK terra if i ever have to play as him again ill throw up and die.

the opening is my second favorite so far and the story is pretty good when i know whats going on

decent game. 6.9/10 if they axed the whole command system id give it a 7.5. i think it works better in concept than in execution and replaying the exact same worlds 3 times over gets stale pretty quickly. i wish they cut out some worlds as other characters like you cannot tell me deep space ventus was necessary. solid game though

[theatrekidstatus]

Dominique x Anthony

☔︎Cast☔︎

Dom

Anthony

Stacy

Dom's pov: It was my first day of college and I sat in class "Hey can I sit here" a freckled boy asked "Sure" "hi I'm Anthony Ramos" "Dom" "Watcha writing" "Um nothing" "sum" "I'm writing a play um never mind" "can I read please" "no it's stupid" "not if it's written by you" I did a stupid girly giggle it was so embarrassing "can I see your play now" "sure, it's not finished and -um" "hey it's great I'd act in it" "thanks" "can I have your number" "sure" we exchange phones "what's your last name" "fishback" "different.... BUT IN A GOOD WAY" "thanks" "OK class I'm Ms.smith ill be teaching Shakespeare and plays,first assignment write a play or poem with a Partner "can I be your partner" he whispers "sure" he smiled at me I tried hiding my smile -1hr later-(I don't know how long college classes are) "hey what's your next class" "uh uh boy it's down time for me" "Same what's your hallway" "A" "what room" "A3" "cool I got A4" "yay we're neighbors" "we'll see ya" "hey Dom" "hey Stacy" "how was you theatre class or whatever" "good" "you're smiling mad hard" "it's nothing" "tell meeeeee" "fine we'll there was this cute boy in my class and he's awesome" "awww you're crushingggg" "shut up he's next door" "ooooooo,I wanna meet him" Stacy ran out the door "Stacy come here" she knocks aggressively and ant came out in a towel on his waist wet hair and bulging abs "hey Kevin what's up-AHHHHHHHH" "AHHHHH" "we're so sorry" he slammed the door "WHAT DID I TELL YOU" I whisper scream "I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy I just wanted to meet him" a knock at the door "come in" "hey I'm really sorry for slamming the door" "we're sorry for just coming up to your door" "not to be rude but what did you need?" "I wanted to meet doms lil friend" "Well hi, oh Dom wanna work on our play" "Sure" "I'll leave y'all alone" "🖕🏾" "😘" "So you wanna make any tweaks" "I think it's too cute we need some humor" "I got you" 30 minutes later "wow we're finished " "good now I can nap" "you only have-" "20 minutes i know and don't care" I think he left while he was gone I had a dream we took a nice long walk and just talked and made it to a beach in L. A and he sat me down and said "Dom I love you" and leaned in for a kiss and right when we were going to kiss I felt myself being shaken "Dom Dom Dom Dom" "What" "You have your next class now" "ugh" "what's your class" "tap" (idk if she dances just go wit it) "same" "you can tap?" "Nope" we laughed "Do you wanna brush your hair" "How bad" "15 strokes?" "Gimme" -in class- "I placed in level 3, you?" "Same" "I just can't escape you can I" "Nope" "AYE you two this is not high school stop your yapping and Get to tapping" We shared a look rolled our eyes and got to tapping 5 classes later (Google was so unclear) "I'm so glad my day is OVER" he grabbed me by the arm and started running fast and went to my dorm

"What the hell" "I'm sorry but the night class kids were coming and they have a REAL problem with being late" "How big" "15 inches" "Ew" "But they will beat up anyone in the hall after they're late" "ain't we a lil old for bullying" "you wanna get trampled or beat to a pulp" "nah nah" "exactly, so can I crash here for a few" "sure lover boy" "wow lil fish" "lil fish?" "Yep" "I should kick your ass out right now" "Well why am I lover boy" "I see how you look at Nataliaaa" Yeah sure it hurt that ant had a crush on another girl, but what can ya do? "shut up" "hahaha lover boy" "🙄" "are you gonna ask her out or just look at her like a dork" "shut up" "ok ok I'm done but are youuuu" "maybe I don't know" "you should" "do you like someone" "what no?!" "Oh my god you do spilllll" "no" "pleaseeee" "no" "whyyyyyy" "you'd laugh" "is it that ONE dude who in Shakespeare class" "ew no" "then I won't judgeeeeeeeeeeee" "nooooo,anyway we should practice our play" we here a knock "umm is Dominique fishbacks Room" "yeah" "can I come in" "ant go get the door" "ok" ant opens the door "oh hi ant" natlia greeted "h-i nat oh I'm sorry can I call you nat" "yeah is Dom here" "ye-ah ba-ck he-re" "hi nat what's up" "oh you dropped this in class and I wanted to give it to you" "oh my god I've been looking for that everywhere thank you" "no problem bye Dom bye ant" "bye" ant says weakly "see ya" i replied "ant I know we've been friends for a day and I can't be too rude but what the hell" "I know" "hey I'm sure someone has worse skills" "doesn't feel like it" "DOM" "STACY" "DO NOT GO OUT THERE WITH THOSE NIGHT COLLEGE KIDS THEY DO NOT PLAY" "ARE YOU OK" "yeah barley THEY'RE LIKE ZOMBIES" "lay down" "ok what's up ant" "hey" "are we ever going get to practice" "I don't know" we just laughed "I guess I should head out" ant left "CANT YALL JUST DATE" Stacy screamed "shut up he doesn't even like me" "yes he dose" "he likes- never mind" "OUHH TELL ME" "no I don't gossip" "it's me" "yeah anthor reason I can't trust you" "🖕" "😘"

Next DaY

"Hey lover boy" "Hi lil fish" "Is your girl here yet" "Shut up" he was so red "Haha" "is your man here yet" "Maybe" "Just tell me" "Can you keep a secret" "yeah" "good so can I" "🙄" "DUDE SHES HERE SHES RIGHT THERE" "oh my god shut up" "HI NAT" "hi Dom ant can I sit wit y'all" "sure" "so how's the play going" "amazing we worked so hard on it and we're proud RIGHT ANT" "mhm" "ok class we're gonna present because everyone seems comfortable and ready "Anthony gimme your book" "why" "just gimme" I highlighted his lines "thank you?" "No problem" "AND ANTHONY Dominique CAN GO FIRST" "Can we borrow someone from the class" "ILL DO IT" some kid yelled "OK Well get up here" We acted The thing out he wasn't that bad of an actor we finished up "wow you can act what else can you do" "a lot" "like what" "sing and play baseball" "sing?" "Yeah" "Can I hear" "No we're in class!" "After?" "Sure" AFTER CLASS

"LOVER BOY" "LIL FISH" "sing" "right here right now?" "YESSSSSS" "NOOOOOOOO" "Please" "Fine what song" "The beginning song to In the Heights" "UGHH lights up on Washington hights" "WOAH YOU CAN SING, "Stacy says while cutting In the middle of us "Yeah kinda," he says while stroking his hair" "don't be shy now lover boy" "lover boy?" "It's an inside joke" "Well I got class See ya two" "BYE" "Now back to your song" -aFtEr SoNg- (a/n AND NO I WILL NOT BE WRITING THE WHOLE THING)

"Wow" "Thanks?" "Oh no the night kids are coming RUN!" We crashed In my dorm "Why is your side of the room so underdecorted" "I dont care about how it looks only if I get work done" "Be for real" "Fine I'm broke" he Chuckled a little "um hey dom I have a question for you" "yeah" "should I ask nat out" wow that kinda hurt but I want him to be happy "of course" "what if she says no" "she probably not your a great guy but if she does you'll find some one else" I say while sitting next to him and placing my hand on his "thanks dom" "should I text her or ask in class" "in class" "cool can I practice on you sure" "so I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out some time" "perfect now are you actually going to say that" "shut up" he said while we both laughed "I hope so" "oh it's time to clock out see you tomorrow" "y'all are so cute" "shush stace"

-next day-

I went to class I was always first but today I was second "Lover boy" "lil fish" "What are you doing here" "Sweating" "nerves?" "Yeah" "Don't worry it's okay remember no is just a word that can't hurt you but she shouldn't have to tell you repeatedly" "Hey guys I didn't expect you to be here so early" "hey nat can I ask you a question" "Sure" "So I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out sometime" she just burst out a laugh "you'd think I go out WITH YOU" she just started laughing hard and ant just slumped down red-faced tears forming "you good" "no" "wanna say you're sick and skip" "mhm" "hey professor ants a little sick can I take him to a nurse or his dorm" "you can just borrow the notes from someone else" "thank you"

-in the dorm-

"Anthony you know if you wanna cry it's ok too" "How could I be so stupid to think she loves ME" "It's not stupid it is stupider that she doesn't" "Is there something wrong with m-" I cut him off with a kiss he looks at me "I'm sorry" and ran off I ran out the whole building I get a called from Stacy "where the fuck are you" I explain everything "stay right there I am going to get you" "hey" "ant."

[okamiwind]

hm here's an update on how i've been doing

i went on a band trip last week that took a lot out of me emotionally, but it was fun also? sometimes life is weird like that. like maybe you had something annoying happen to you but then that annoyance leads to a bitch session that leaves you closer to someone else, maybe in a way that you wouldn't have known before. so idk. good and bad. you're just supposed to have both, i guess.

as i've been away, i haven't been writing much besides paradisium. paradisium, despite only requiring 500 words a day, sometimes feels like a real slog. i dont think i had a super clear idea of the middle of this story, so trying to figure it out is a challenge.

now that i'm thinking about it, a lot of my stories start that way? i have a very clear beginning point, a very clear end point, and the middle is like jeremy bearimy. like how do you unravel a knot that was tied in the fabric of time? you cant, of course. you just try and hack away at it with a butter knife

summer pretty much started for me last week as i don't follow the calendar dates for seasons. seasons should be entirely Vibes based. so anyway summer started last week and i can't wait for it to be over. counting down the days pretty much.

i'm not really looking forward to my birthday, but it will be pretty cool to hopefully be finished paradisium by then. lets all put our hands together in prayer.

oh yeah. i was gonna say... today i started writing iatbye again after an extended absence and tiana happened to catch me with a call in the middle of it (usually i write in blocks of 1k, so i think of .5 as my halfway point). as i was talking to her i was like man, this is a terrible time to talk to me because all my thoughts are completely absurd and strange and weird, like i told her that the horse is a metaphor and she's like yeah of course it is and then i explained the metaphor at her for 5 minutes and then the next 5 minutes i told her about my anxieties about the next two chapters for iatbye and why that's probably contributed to my lack of energy to write it

yeah chapter 12 is like, the climax of this part. the way that chapter 17 and 25 were those big emotional moments for part one, chapter 12 will be the emotional centerpiece of part two. so it's like. you know, i'm sure it will be fine, and truthfully it doesn't matter if it sucks bc im not being graded and its just for fun, whatever whatever, but at the same time, i have these Standards TM for myself that i almost certainly can't live up to. so its worrisome. you can write things a thousand different ways, and i have to try to write it the Right way. so i worry over it.

sidlink is still on the backburner. i know in some way or another what i wanna do with that fic but its just too wide open right now for me. i need to finish an iatbye chapter to like. get back into my groove. get some confidence back or something.

so idk. that's how i am now mostly. i mostly exist in a state of depressed (and i mean that in the squashed sort of depressed way, not big sad kind of depressed way) anxiety. like most of the time i can deal with it but then ill get hit with this wave that just like waterboards me lmao

[baahsu]

HIII BAHH SRRY FOR DISINTEGRATING FOR A FEW DAYS OPLA HAD MOMENTARILY CONSUMED EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING

HOWEVER this has been sitting, unfinished, in my vscest doc for a while now so i decided to finish it up. here u go eat up friend :]] oh yeah angst warning at the beginning btw:

so. lies on the floor. ichiji deserves to get fucked stupid after having a bad day and im thinking abt him w yonji rn so. :)

emotions regained/vs bros redemption ichiji having that almost subtle kinda self hatred one day- (bc in emotions regained aus all the brothers are chronically mentally ill, they're so traumatized its painful :,D) -not the kind that makes you wanna scream or cry or throw up, instead the kind that makes your heart go a little faster than normal and that makes your skin crawl and makes you feel sick for being alive. the kind that builds and builds until it's too much.

yonji (the most *emotionally* intelligent one out of 124ji, methinks) eventually notices smthns wrong and asks ichi abt it and ichiji just Breaks. like he pauses, crumples into a ball, and starts pulling his hair and venting about how he feels so disgusting and unworthy of love and how he wants to rip his skin off for something new and he hates this he hates this he hates this he hates himself

and yonji LISTENS to him. he listens with a frown until ichi is fucking winded, hyperventilating, and sweating with frustrated tears in his eyes. and then yonji hits him with the

"What do you need me to do, Ichiji?"

then ichi just stops shaking (and breathing) entirely for a moment as the question registers b4 his shaking slowly starts up again and his bottom lip starts trembling and he slowly looks up at yonji with big ole watery eyes and shakily signals him over to cuddle and theybpagaufuafuaf!!!!

the two of em lying down w yonji holding ichiji tight against his chest- one hand/arm curled around chijis lower back while the other is running through his hair and ichis just curling around yonji like a koala. he buries his face in yonjis neck and is constantly mumbling "im sorry" and yonji says "theres nothing to apologize for" each and every time back, proving his point by pressing a kiss to a different part of ichiji each time.

this continues on until ichiji stops crying and calms down. then he thanks yonji by sitting up slowly and holding yonjis face in his hands and kissing him *so* gently.

^ idk maybe its just me but i feel like out of all the vs siblings ichiji would have the hardest time being gentle. sanji always has been, reiju *secretly* always has been, yonji *had* to learn to be (even when he was still emotionless) bc of his strength (and therefore it came somewhat easily to him when he got emotions), nijis always been a giant fucking tsundere so even though hes an ass about 90% of the time, he does have the capability to at least sit and listen and take care of someone he loves (especially after regaining emotions, the percentile changes from 90/10 to 50/50 then lmao), but ichiji?? the perfect, emotionless soldier, even after getting fixed??? practically unheard of.

so when he pulls THIS shit???

it makes yonjis libido go WHAM. like that mf went redder than chijis hair. might as well been a cartoon character with the way he practically started floating as his eyes turned into hearts

THEN. then that gentle kiss delvesssss

ichiji getting lost in his emotions, leading him to grab yonjis face so *desperately* and straddle his hips/lap and kiss him thru tears.. n yonjis there half dumbstruck half horny, grinding on ichis ass while the hands once petting his hair and stroking his back to soothe him move to squeeze at it bc holy shiiit what is happening rn yonji cant compute. do u see the vision 🙈🙈

then, SHOCKINGLY, (/sarc) they fuck each other stupid. like STUPID stupid. so stupid that when 023 find them in the morning they straight up think the two were jumped in an alley together or smthn with how marked up their bodies were n shit (but they figure it out real quick once they see how badly ichiji was limping :]) ((tho if you asked me personally yonji wasnt exactly walking straight either :]])) (((they are both switches :]]])))

AND SCENE. i wrote abt both ichiniji and yoniji b4 this so now the 124ji circle is complete lmao. i need more soft ichiji in my life and if theres no one to provide i shall make it myself :)) -J.J

Honestly relatable, I can't stop thinking about opla since the day I watched it lol it was so good and I want to rewatch it already

But back to vcest 👀

Ichiji being emotionally stunted after getting his emotions back is a concept that's always at the back of my mind but I never put too much thought into it, but now I'm 👀

I see him as trying to keep himself, and the others, together, he doesn't let his emotions run freely, he tries not to let them take the better of him else he might go down and spiral of self hatred and guilt, so he puts his energy into looking after the others and trying to come up with a plan to get them out of judge's grasp

It takes a toll on him of course, his repressed emotions keep building up and he feels himself going insane and with no way to vent

When yonji catches him like this, on the verge of panicking, he finally let's go and it feels so good and so freeing for once. Yonji's rock solid, he embraces him, takes his whole body into strong arms and makes him feel safe, and he doesn't budge, he lets ichiji cry against his shoulder until he's satisfied and spent

Ichiji's tired but tries to show his gratitude with a kiss and yonji combusts. It's not every day that he has ichiji this pliant and soft and sweet sprawled in his lap and he wants to do so many things to him but his brain's all muddled and he doesn't know where to begin!!

Once he gets a hold of himself tho, it's over for ichiji, the strength he used to comfort him will now be used to ruim him

[mariska]

i am having a horrible chronic pain and illness flareup today but i absolutely NEED to take a shower because its been way too many days now (i have been Extra Sick the past week or two-ish and have had even less energy than i do regularly which is. less than none. regularly. lmao 😞) but it Will flare up my symptoms even worse than it is right now and its very difficult to negotiate to my brain that i still have to take care of my body and myself despite that. but my brain is like. HYPERFIXATION DISTRACTION: U SHOULD DRAW NATHALIE (character i love who is canonically disabled and has very similar symptoms 2 my real life disability symptoms and is also my personal patron saint of comically bad chronic pain/illness circumstances)

and there is just. idk how to describe it. theres a really fucking stupid funny phenomenon that just happened in my brain where as soon as the hyperfixation side tried to sneak its lil Avoiding A Necessary Task By Focusing On Special Interest Thing Instead urge into my train of thought it IMMEDIATELY made the logical part of my brain go "oh, absolutely not. now you HAVE to go take a shower and brush your teeth and take care of yourself despite the horribleness of those things w ur current pain situation because ur fav chronic pain girlie Ms Nathalie EternalBedrest would actively disapprove of you sketching lil doodles of her to avoid a necessary health related task and knowing that she would be supremely disappointed in u if she was a real person and not a cartoon character is an even worse feeling than knowing that u will be in more pain post-shower".

so now i have to go do it. my brain is so hyperfixation and special interest oriented 24/7 that it just did an Olympic track race all by itself starting at "cant do it, worse pain incoming", running to "focus on something involving disabled character u love and relate to instead" and then crossed the finish line at "if she was real she'd scold you like you're a fucking child and that sucks so much. thats embarrassing as hell. she would hate ur stupid distraction doodles. why do u wanna make her more sad than she already is. she is so sad all of the time and u are not helping"

anyways once again Nathalie from My Most Embarrassing Special Interest Media has saved the day just by existing in a fictional realm and also in my personal brain all the time forever. thanks queen

[m318x2]

I think I'm gonna be a therapist. I keep trying to force myself to believe I'll be happy and fulfilled in other professions but I just feel a calling to help people like me. and I know I can't just "save" them and that it'll be a really emotionally laborious and generally challenging job, but I want to help people the way my therapists have helped me. I want a job that incentivizes taking care of myself when I'm off work (because when you're a therapist your job performance is worse when you aren't mentally healthy yourself), and a work environment full of people who are educated on mental illness.

I've been in therapy since I was 16 and I've been holding the idea of being a therapist in my brain since then. I'm almost 21 now. I never thought it was a feasible idea because you have to heal first before you can be a good therapist, but I'm half way through DBT right now and for the first time ever I think school might actually be feasible again. I think I might actually be able to heal. like for real. I know that means that I have to be solidly in recovery from my ED within the next 6ish years (You need a bachelors and a masters before you can start training to be a therapist and once you finish training you can get licensed). I can't do that right now but in 6 years? it's possible. I've been in therapy for 5 and I already am at a place mentally that I didn't think was possible.

I just can't bring myself to start recovery yet because I'm still stuck in the "ok I'm significantly underweight but I'm not scary eugenia cooney kairi cosplay level underweight so really I should lose more weight first and then recover" mentality and like. I know I won't feel any different because I've been saying this for the entire course of my ED and I never feel any different when I get thinner, just like. less bad. not more good, just less bad. I like getting thinner it's just never quite enough. but I just. I just need to see. I just wanna know how far I can push it. idk.

[secretcessy]

respondinf to ur post that replied to my ask from earlier !!!! HAIAIAI CESSYYY >< i missed u sososo much u don’t even know !!! gosh ilove u sm🤗🤗

anyway i fear ur so real. ive been quickly posting out fics nd drafts so my followers can be fed sumn substantial enough !!! school has me sooooo cramped it’s INSANE 💔💔

atm im trying to apply for part time jobs rn as well as do tutoring for my volunteer hours 🫡🫡hopefully i can balance all that alongside hw and exams !!! who told me to take ap classes mannnn😞im genuinely gonna pull my hair outtttt sos !!! gonna miss sm things once school becomes heavier sighhhh but don't worry im never forgetting u cessy !!! love u so much 🗣️🗣️

u r so right ohmygod. november has js started nd it’s getting a lil chilly !! ion likeee it😭😭 i am SO bad w colder temperatures it’s so insane but at least no more frequent mosquitos !!! those little fat insects bite me sm it’s insane🥹and UGH i love hotpot esp when it’s at home likeee it’s js so comforting nd cozy 🫂🫂

please !!! tell me ab ur dreams bc so far i barelyyy get dreams now 😞 mine used to be sooo insane it was like i was smoking something while asleep 😣😣

ohmygod i totally forgot ab roblox !!! likeee idk, i js barely go on it now, i rmb durinf quarantine id js grind and grind on arsenal and adopt me 🤞🤞it was a def an odd combo but yk i was on that grind i fear nothing would’ve stopped me 💪💪 ill def have to look into froggie pond tycoon when ihave the time to ><

omgg i need to tell u this !! i recently went to queens cs i felt like it nd ive never been to any other borough but my own and manhattan and i got these little phone hippers from this store and they’re SO cute. like they’re called smiski phone hippers nd they’re so adorable💔💔 ugh i love cute little trinkets like the smiskis js look like they have no thoughts in their heads nd honestly that’s SO real !!!!

on a side note, i wanna give u a lil heads up, perchance a katseye sophia fic may be released this week for u !! 🤫🤫 perchance… 🤗🤗🤗

anywayyy i yapped sm ohmygod idk if ts is even gonna be able to send🥹🥹 goodluck reading this and hope u the best cessyyyy !!!!

HAI NING MY BABEH NINGGG iI MISSED MY NING TOO AWWHHIE HI BEBIII <333

I haven't finished binge reading ur fics bae 😭😭 I have sooo much to catch on but lowk can't wait to read them all GGRRAAHH everyone say thank you ninguitar for feeding ur children what a very responsible good parent u are not like me whos been traumatizing my children w hunger lmfao IM SRY KIDS BUT!! don't push urself too much w posting you need lots of rest and you totes deserve it bb 😚💖💖

WE TWINNING bc im also abt to apply for one more job bc I need me some more cash and money I hope I don't get passed out or something yall pray for me my workplace rn be stressing me out sm especially when my boss just changed and a lot of things changed liikkkeee gimme my old boss back ( I liked her very much she was like a 2nd mom to me liikkkeee waaahhhhhh ✋😭😭) I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU NING TRUST love you tew sm to ever forget an iconic sweet soul like you 💋💋💋

no bc literally where'd fall go????? it was HOT a while ago and now it's suddenly cold like where'd my fav season autumn go😭😭😭 girl the mosquitos here are soldiers they be still hanging around when its alr freezing season for them they be built different I fear 😟😟 like tf why you buzzin by my ear LEAVE ME ALONE 💔

im SO gonna tell you abt my weird ass dreams ning like they be diff level weirdness and I cant seem to stop seeing those types of dreams lately I've been waking up w fast pulses its crazy like tell me what I I did to watch those kinds of dreams man 😞😞

im currently locked in w restaurant tycoon again twas a total bitch at first bc yknow how I have to do EVERYTHING and it was a menace but now that I've got my workers I'm free from being a slave to my own restaurant <333 I might or might not be overworking my workers but oh well :P

I USED TO HAVE A SONNY ANGEL PHONE HIPPER jhgfdsasdfghjk like its an animal series and I got the lion one and its so so super duper cute you can see the cute litol wings and cute litol butt from the back and I LOVED it smmmm AND YOU BOUGHT A SMISKI ONE?????? OOOOUUUU I WISH 😭😭 I love love loovvee smiskis too they're so cute they have lots of variety and series to collect and oh god I dunno what I want my hands to get onto like I WANT THEM ALL <33333

IN SOPHIA LAFORTEZA WE TRUST god that womans got me on chokehold cant take my eyes off her when shes on screen like bae what did you do to me 😞💖💖 DONT PUSH URSELF buuuttt I cant wait for your banger fics bebi ur works are what makes this shitty world a better place never forget that ning 😚💗

[heartfelttry]

i am replying to JacFrostIsReal's video here (about the Joker, how fictional mysteries being unsolved are just as valuably and narratively important as fictionally solved ones, "Mediocre White Man Syndrome"™, how she loved Red Hood Joker, and a bit about Two-Face. intrigued? yes, good, go watch her tiktok, go give her engagement please) bc this got way too long for a comment, or even a comment thread wHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING FROM ME (I LEAVE COMMENT THREAD MONOLOGS LIKE NOBODY'S BUISNESS) but ill put it under a read more out of politeness

my reply's bullshit of a summary: but yeah, the below is a Joker headcanon about "the true Joker's identity" and how i personally reconcile with the three main Jokers types (not identities. but types. we got what i call "Adam West Joker", "Agent of Chaos Joker", and "Grim-Dark Joker". this trio. here. that's what i mean) with all this hullabaloo of canon trying so bad to go "but what's his name, what's his story??" and me smacking DC's hand away from this Schrodinger's Cat of a cookie jar labeled "Joker" with this hc, happily, every time. enjoy?

reminder that i am dyslexic and i havent REALLY edited this stream of consciousness, so, like, be nice when i inevitably mispell/make typos lol also this was originally going to be a tiktok comment-thread so some odd things like "dead" are censored here and there before i realized mid-way "this is too long. i cant do a thread this long" lmao rip im just too exhausted today to edit atm. disability, chronic illness symptoms, c'est la vie lol

omg i have had the most wild TOTALLY HEADCANON answer to this, all bc im like "i wanna make a Gotham OC fanfic (.......yes the one with Kaycie that's kinda the only other post in this blog, stfu, lemme finish), but im too sickly to do it rn. ill just plot it for now on and off" and part of my plotting was "how do i want to approach Joker and his 'true identity' bs??" bc taking what canon from where for this fic was important to me as it was part of the plot i want to do. but like?? there's some comics i love where i just.. ignore their idea for Joker's backstory. cognitive dissonance that. but i implement other canon from those comics. v much cherry-picking; idgaf, thats THE way to go about comics. so i was like "what canons am i cherry-picking for this fanfic version of Joker?" and my eventual idea became my hc foR ALMOST ALL CONTEMPORARY JOKERS EVER and ill share it, sure, i love to info-dump

bc i came up with an answer that (admittingly idk ALL OF THE INTERNET EVER so maybe i independently came up with the same idea as someone else, but, this is my pitch, totally original to me specifically as far as i am aware:) makes both all the "real" Jokers "canon" and also NONE of them canon, and instead re-inforces the mystery of nobody knowing who the fuck this guy is

and that's that he "heals quickly" by seeing Professor Pyg (at 🔫point probably) and just.. getting a new fucking whatever's-broken

leg-broke? amputate and replace. wrist arthritis? amputate and replace. so on and so forth

but we dont see scars or anything bc, in my hc, he brings some of that acid with him when he sees Pyg (from when he first fell. we know he likely knows its ingredients since, tons of comics, he re-creates it for Harley) (also i like how this idea brings Pyg more to the forefront by proxy. bc Joker's laughing gas and Pyg's "perfect" people are such traumatizingly similar victims who are done in by two totally different people. my squeamish heart is so glad Pyg isnt Well Known outside of comic fans, but the nerd inside me doesnt get WHY he hasnt been part of pop culture osmosis alongside Joker yet wtf). so the acid is like an Even More Fucked Up Version Of The Lazarus Pit but that doesnt grant you immortality and has more cons than it could ever be worth, but Joker loves his "daddy/mommy vat" (you cannot tell me he doesnt call that vat some cringe parental nickname lol, i just wont buy it). the acid does bizarro healing-fast, no-scars nonsense. and the Joker's upped usage of it explains why his skin tends to chemically paper-white and Harley Quinn's (who also fell in the vat in some stories) tends to be her in white make-up. so: his skin-tone then isn't make-up, it's his skin, all bc he keeps re-applying that acid shit, whereas Harley only did it ONCE. and it didnt fuck her up as bad since she doesnt come back for more when she could just let her bones heal. (plus, him doing this stuff?? to me, it connects him a bit further to "The Joker's Daughter", like him replacing bit of himself foreshadows how she wears his face as a mask...)

...anyway, BUT AS A RESULT, he is leaving DNA of all these other people that are "the true identity of Joker". but like. they both are not Joker (theyre victims of Joker and Pyg) and ARE the Joker (theyre part of him). so all those idenities?? none of them are probably the true og Joker who first went to Pyg with a body that was 100% his own (and was using white make-up at the time) with a small vat of the acid going 🔫 "i have a commissioned offer for you that i wont let you refuse, Pyggy". theyre probably just a List Of Victims. you could even then argue all these versions of "the Joker's backstory reveal" are then just forensics and profilers trying to piece together "how did [Name] become the Joker?" and sensationalizing their interpretation, and the comics are "people trying to canonize those theories as fact via their fictional adaptation of this theory" (im aware this is loopy in a multi-verse way buT SHHH SHHH SHH); all having no idea yet that every [Name] there was actually a victim of Pyg and Joker's. how could they know? how could they guess the "reality" within this hc is that the Joker is a personified Ship Of Theseus?? he's like a mosaic from the Byzantine era, of how many pieces of other people he has; or like a stain-glass sculpture; or like the Creature from "Frankenstein" if Viktor Frankenstein became the Creature himself bit by bit. maybe the Joker has even had parts of his brain replaced with other people's (to the point that it becomes "who knows whose brain this originally was" to which all "hey science doesnt work like—"/"iTS COMICS THO. WE HAVE THE LAZARUS PITS ALREADY, THE ACID CAN BE A FUCKED UP PROVERBIAL MEWTWO MAN-MADE VERSION OF RA'S AL GUHL'S MEW. LET THE PSEUDO-SCIENCE HAPPEN. IT'S COMICS. HE CAN SURVIVE THAT MUCH BRAIN TRANSPLANT ON REPEAT NOW" arguments are kinda nullified with) with this glaze of The Acid ontop to allow the blend to Work— bc he keeps using this acid, causing himself to potentially develop ťúmóŕś and needing them removed (and maybe Pyg does secret lobotomies or some shit and sees "what if i replace this part while im at it..??" to see if this makes the Joker "more bareable" to be around, idk). as a result of this absurd desire to never have an injury delay him: even upon his hypothetical autopsy, they'll never know his true identity. forensics and profilers who had been having debates analyzing evidence to "uncover" who the Joker is will be revealed to have had a vast misunderstanding of the dark truth

BUT SAYING THAT?? i still miss past Jokers. before people tried attaching a name to him (that's part of the motivation for me with this hc, just going "actually?? yOURE ALL WRONG, TO ME, SPECIFICALLY" lmao rip). like. for one, i miss shitty-at-villainy chaos "im literally the luckiest fucker alive" gremlin Joker (legit? Jason Todd's situation?? proverbially Joker being a "i am eating the chess pieces whenever Batsy isnt looking, and he is confused how i could be winning"). like he isnt a master-mind. he's lucky as hell, he is legitimately Murphy's Law as a bratty villain, the most legitimate "agent of chaos" a person could be, he has no plans, he's flying by the seat of his pants and keeps going "oh sick, im in THE most optimal place somehow so Batman cant kill me for what i just did". liKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE STUMBLED INTO BECOMING A DIPLOMAT AFTER JASON TODD'S ḌẸÄṬĤ?? HE GOT SO LUCKY, GOT IN THE PERFECT SITUATION SO SUPERMAN HAD TO RELUCTANTLY GO "dont do it, Batman, itll cause an international incident, ẃáŕ, Jason wouldnt want that, he wouldnt want civillians to ḍịẹ in his name" TO THIS GRIEVING FATHER—??? absurd. dont even talk to me about the Adam West TV show version of Joker (i miSS HIM AND EARTHA KITT CATWOMAN THE MOST), i miss when he was just a silly goofy guy even more than his agent of chaos phase, ugghhhh.. "Adam West Joker", this man was my Megamind before "Megamind" (minus the whole "happy hero ending with the girl" part). just a dude who never won, always was foiled, up to dasterdly Doofenshmirtz hijinks, no grim-dark wild shit yet. i loved him, i miss him

so my hc doesnt work as well on those variations of the Joker, predominantly "Adam West's Joker" as i sloppily label him (i know its oversimplification shhhhh). buT IT DOES WORK ON GRIM-GRITTY EVIL-MASTERMIND-4D-CHESSMASTER JOKER and thats probably all that matters to these Mediocre White Man Syndrome™ variants. idk

[[ quick, here's an edited bit from a DM where i realize i forgot a point i LOVE about the mystery of who the fuck "Adam West Joker" was: ]]

(which. i forgot to go into that i think there's at least one comic who mentions this brand of Joker in an existential "maybe he isnt a person, maybe he just appeared from the universe. maybe Gotham made bad luck personified" or some shit, im not a big fan of "he is not human"-Joker but i am a fan of "yes, people even thought of the Doofenshmirtz variety of the Joker as more myth than Once Possibly Mundane (even tho he's just a guy that no one knows and that that forensics tech just is incapable of recognizing. meaning this man was so normal before he became This that he was THAT off-grid and unrecognizable, like THAT harmless of a person, like what?? and now people in-comic-world are having such a hard time grappling with these unknowns that they're going "what if he is just not a fucking person. he's murphy from murphy's law. alive. how does anyone beat that" whEN HE IS JUST A GUY?? A GUY THEY JUST KNOW ***NOTHING*** ABOUT?)". i love that version of him. he was my Megamind before "Megamind" lmao (...anyway i might copy & paste this "he's just a guy. it drives them insane that they cant prove that he JUST A GUY that theyre mythologizing him— even before Red Hood lore and grim-dark shit got added" belatedly into that post now. but yeah i just forget from what comic exactly bc ✨️chronic memory loss✨️ + 🌈library🌟 lol rip)

but yeah. i do want to mention the Red Hood thing is kinda new, relatively, to Joker's lore; he was originally a true fucking mystery where we didnt get even THAT vague bit of Red Hood. he just.. showed up. what was his trauma? who knows. why is he like this, why does he look like this?? who knows. like, okay, that's badass and funny as fuck, good for "Adam West Joker", love that. i miss "nobody can find out SHIT about this man" version of Joker so badly; all we know is his "ɗīę laughing" thesis

but yeah. Red Hood (Jason) and Red Hood (Joker) is stiLL SO SO SOOOO important to me that, though im still like "Joker is a total mystery. forensics finds NOTHING on this lil Adam West co-star/pre-Megamind-before-Megamind-but-no-hero-ending of a guy" is a canon multi-verse version of Joker to me, i happily accept that Red Hood is a part of "agent of chaos" Joker's lore and "grim-dark mastermind" Joker's lore. 2 out of 3 aint bad. but my hc about Joker going all 🔫 "fix. me." to Prof Pyg works A+ in grim-dark Joker lore. and my hesitation about "agent of chaos Joker lore" is that, to MEEEE, my Pyg hc only works if its "agent of chaos Joker lore after Jason Todd đīēđ (or at least, like, if he started just before Jason ḍịẹḍ and was building up to Jason's said ɗęąţĥ); bc before JT ðıəð/before Joker started building up to brutalize Jason like that, Joker wasnt AS vîôłêňť as he became to be known as... (still massively violent. but not AS much, like he was a bit of clutching-his-punched-gut "they'll all see" type for a bit beforehand if i recall accurately.) but post-JT? yeah, my Pyg hc could quickly apply". so again: 2 out of 3 multi-verse variants? aint bad, ill take that happily

but yeah, feel free to adopt my hc for any time someone goes "he's Jack Oswald White/Jack Napier/Arthur Fleck/whoever-the-fuck", thats what i do. bc then, yeah, "they're all Joker" but also none of them are with this Ship Of Theseus hc. whos the victim, whos real? nobody knows. my preference is obviously "all the people science has found have only been victims; nobody has found the og Joker's true identity" bc i liKED THAT MYSTERY AND THIS IS ME RET-CONNING IT. but i gUESS if you had a favorite version of "who is the real Joker" then the og COULD be that one. but like. why would you?? the mystery is so much better (...tO ME, but whatever), like imagine a Spencer Reid type of guy coming out and "actually, considering the commonalities in how all these people disappeared? implies they were ALL likely victims of Pyg and Joker. for years, we were arguing and accusing the victims of being the murder; it's probably the Joker's biggest, cruellest joke. because, really, we're back where we started. nobody truly knows the real name of the man who 'collaborated' with Pyg for the first time. and we may very well never know". like? how does that not excite the fuck out of you so much more?? headcanons are headcanon, but yours baffles me if you prefer Knowing The Joker's True Name to any of the variant versions or my hc version of Nobody Knows Who The Joker Is Or Where He Came From. jac is so super right, i love her

anyway. uh. pray the universe gives me a medical treatment That Fucking Works at nullifying my chronic illness symptoms if you want this fanfic to ever be a thing so i can write this plot-twist of a hc about "who is the Joker" into a story. feel free to adopt the hc tho. i ask vaguely for credit if you want to copy my hc one-for-one, but MOSTLY what i want is to be @'ed so i can squeal and giggle and see what you made lmao

but i dont anticipate this hc will go viral or something. very unlikely, in my mind. im just saying that as a safety-net in this proverbial trapeze act of a post lol

buT ALSO THANK YOU JAC FOR EVERYTHING YOU SAID ON TWO-FACE, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. i went from a Joker fan to ".....ew too many people like the Joker in ways i dont, i feel gross now, i need a shower" and came out the other side of that as a Bruce Wayne/Batman × Harvey Dent/Two-Face truther bc they are doomed yaoi in the silliest and most tragic of senses, theyre foils, your honor, i love them (also if we are gonna keep Catwoman × Batman going, imma need sO MANY MORE PEOPLE from both DC and fans being inspired by Eartha Kitt's Catwoman design bc Eartha Kitt is a badass, go look her up, find out why she got replaced as Catwoman on the Adam West "Batman" show, ive been obsessed with this woman since i was like 8 years old and the world neeDS TO JUMP ON MY BANDWAGON ALREADY. i need more Black, Eartha-Kitt-looking Catwoman in my life stat aND, BATCAT, MY LIFE WILL BE YOURS) ....anyway, go watch Jac's video, go give her views, comments, engagement, she's so great and i want to (a) see her do more Gotham FYP skits (tho the Mob Waitress one is so close to a Gotham absurdism that i am happy with that, Jac, dont think i dont get excited when that series appears on my fyp) and (b) do more Batman breakdowns, bc i love hearing women of all backgrounds talk comics, comic-movies, comic-shows— but esp girly-girls. it itches my brain. i need more of it. go give her love, immediately, please

[swiftfootedachilles]

people are so weird how are u gonna bash a well meaning person and then refuse?? to tell them?? WHY you’re bashing them?? if ur post was offensive then explain why jesus christ this is not how u have healthy useful dialogue with people, it’s just piling unnecessary hate and cruelty on someone. i’m really sorry you’re being treated so shittily by this fandom, i love your posts.

hey thank you so much for this. the handful of people ive talked to have been very understanding of my side and agree that it seems like this person already didn't like me and was looking for a way to renounce me+my posts

truly, i don't know why she feels my posts are offensive. i hate the idea that a jewish person feels i was antisemitic and fetishizing jewish culture. i researched antisemitic fetishization tropes in opera during my undergrad program. ive always tried my hardest to understand minority communities that i am not a part of, without overstepping and seeming like a white knight/savior. i have always been guided through life by my ethics and a burning need for social justice. i want to fix this!

i was really pissed off yesterday and used more aggressive language in my posts and replies. today my head is clearer but im just as confused. i never expect minorities to do the emotional labor of researching topics for me and handing everything over on a silver platter. i will gladly educate myself, but i cant do that when i don't know what i did wrong. this isn't a situation where i did something clearly wrong and there's an obvious gap in my understanding - ive asked multiple friends where they feel i went wrong, and all of them have said they aren't sure

one very kind person messaged me about how, from an outsiders perspective, they were reminded of other situations where autistic people have their words or actions purposefully misinterpreted, and that seriously opened my eyes. OBVIOUSLY im not saying this person is accusing me of antisemitism because she hates autistic people. but i have often experienced people purposefully misrepresenting me and getting mad without explanation. everything starts out good, great even, and i build a script with which to interact with others. but eventually, you get very comfortable and stop following a script, start to unmask a little. and suddenly all hell breaks loose.

you're not acting right. you said the wrong thing. who would say something like that? so inappropriate. and when you ask for clarification because you genuinely do not know what you did wrong, all you receive are eyerolls and more hate because you should already know this, im not gonna spoonfeed everything to you. you're an adult figure it out yourself.

like i said, i don't think she's, like, hating on me for being autistic. i think ive gained a certain reputation (of what i don't know) in the shameless fandom, and people are projecting their preexisting judgement into me. this means that they don't actually want me to apologize. they don't care. they think i am already not a good person and just want to point that out to me to shame me into saying sorry because they think it'll knock me down a few pegs. whatever. my real offline life is much worse than getting mildly ganged up on on the internet. ill survive. i still want to finish my mickey embroidery and my edits/webweavings and my fics. maybe i will, maybe i won't. like ive mentioned many times before, i have pretty bad rejection sensitive dysphoria and i need to be reassured i will get feedback on my works before i ever post them. my fics were already being ignored by most of the big fandom writers - i think those will just have to be scrapped because i genuinely cannot take hollowing out my chest and putting it to paper only to get a few nice comments/kudos. the embroidery though, that's for me. i definitely wanna do it. the other original posts like webweavings, idk maybe i really don't know

[sunflowerinpearls]

Some information before reading:

- We moved out as a family of 5 from my in-laws fully furnished 3 bed, 1 bath basement apartment, & we lived there for 6 years. We moved into a 3 bed, 1 bath townhome and then we bought a house and my mental health went to the bottom real fast and I could no longer physically care for my children, because I couldn’t physically get out of bed. Our Children moved in with my In-Laws because of how bad things had gotten. The hardest choice I ever made was telling myself “you shouldn’t be the one that’s responsible for them when you can’t even handle the simplest things when it comes to caring for yourself!!!!!”

But it’s been 7 long years in recovery from C-PTSD, BPD, PD, MDD, SAD, & more… and I have learned a lot of things since the very beginning.

So without further ado, here ya go:

If I say “Give me my son/daughter/their name/child/etc, YOU SIMPLY TURN MY CHILD TO ME AND LET ME TAKE OVER FROM THERE. You do NOT keep fucking walking away from me. That was your LAST mistake! Your first one was trapping my 7 year old son, who is your Nephew first and foremost BEFORE you’re his GodParent, and you NEED to stay in your lane.

There are boundaries for all of us *TryingReallyHard* parents who have to set boundaries to keep their Special Need(s) Child(ren) SAFE, just to see Derek’s Mother & Sister continue stepping over the boundaries I’ve made.

There is absolutely none of this “I do this everyday at school and HE IS JUST FINE!”. He was NOT fine and your words and matched actions escalated things and then I stepped in because you messed up.

And then umm, that triggered my biggest fear now: Having his family try and keep my kids from me and shit, cuz I wouldn’t put that past them. Not after Roxi asked me straight up if she could “stop by her Lawyer ‘cause all she would have to do is sign a few papers & she can have Guardianship of the two- just in case of an emergency.” Uhhh. No I don’t think so. That’s not at all why she asked… She wants all of the Power & Control over my Children. Why? Because I am the Wife of her son and the Mother of her Grandchildren and she will NEVER accept it because I am “Mentally ill” and “Disabled” & she looks down on that as if at any moment, she couldn’t ever *possibly* become Disabled herself, ya know because she’s Invincible & Immortal. 🙄

Well you’ll be happy to know I fucking stood my ground when I saw Jack escalate and dereks sister kayla and grab him and put him in his room. She said “I got it Cecelia. I do it daily at school.”

“He’s my son.” Babble babble Roxi and me “first and foremost, he’s my son.”

Derek intervened, I walked toward the garage to exit and said “I’m leaving. I am done. I’m not doing this.” (Or something like that I really can’t remember now)… & the fucking way she cornered Jack in front of Roxi’s recliner, grabbed his upper arm and went to send him to his room, *I*

knew what Jack needed instantly when I saw him pace back and forth from being cornered. I don’t allow that. Hell to the fucking no. & I ended up getting Jack with me, outside in the freezing ass car waiting for Derek to finish a game. When I started to walk out, I heard faint whispering & definitely caught my name so they can *All* fuck off.

Derek raised his voice at idk his mom and sister? Saying that they need to let me handle it when I say I got it. And they also, can do other things other than sending a child away to be alone in their bedroom. That’s not how we are parenting our kids so you won’t be parenting them that way either and if you really wanna do it again & I will find out, guess what?

*YANK*

Like I said, there was a fucking reason I said “NO” 3 fucking times!!! When Roxi asked me for Guardianship of them.

He needed to be held as tight as possible with his arms folded across his body and brought back down very slowly and calmly.

Not be grabbed by his arm and be sent away to be by himself.

That is exactly how you teach kids that the world is against them and always against them and no one will ever help them and they’ll always be alone.

So, nope. You don’t get to do that!

I held him by the door and I told him he was okay, and sat with him until he was ready to go back inside.

And yeah, I did in fact take him home w me. And he slept so peacefully and warm in his bed and woke up around 6. He got 9 hours of sleep. I’m relieved for him for that.

Today I made him write down an apology letter to Kayla for breaking her “pretty” (decor). & he wrote 2 sentences & when I told him he owes her more than just 2 sentences and that he gets nothing (games, treats, etc) until he writes the letter and signs his name after but he has to write more than 2 sentences. He got immediately livid & impulsively put an X through the halfway done apology letter & then I told him he needed to step away for a minute, sit on the couch and take some deep breaths & not break anything on the way there, either! He sat and punched himself in the side of the head/face. I jumped up quickly, because I immediately thought of my past self, and did the following:

wrapped his arms around himself & held onto him tightly, & told him all the things he needs to tell himself and I made him repeat it all, too:

“I’m a good person”

“I have a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul”

“I’m a good boy!”

“I’m a good son”

“I’m a good brother to Christine and Lily”

“I’m a good Grandson”

“I’m a good Nephew & Cousin”

“Just because I make choices, does NOT mean I am a bad person”

And then I said “and my face is pretty cute”

And he smiled & then we were all smiling because when we looked around, Dad had been smiling the entire time in absolute awe of the way I love our children.

If it’s one thing I will never fail consciously, it’s my 3 Babies: Christine, Lily, Jack. ♥️