#i wanna finish this real bad but idk if ill have time

[variksel]

PICTURED: A polaroid image found in the desk drawer of someone belived to be named Lark Oak-Garcia at the D.A.D.D.I.E.S headquarters. The image depicts the 2019 Westrock Elementary soccer team "The Doodlers". Photographed by Henry Oak.

[cerealmonster15]

i was lookin at a few vids about the bg3 dream visitor romance [spoilers if anyone's still early game i guess lol] and like i was so shocked people were, like, so upset and betrayed when they discovered the dream visitor's true form fksdjgkdljf like okay i forgot not every corner of the internet has monsterfuckers and also i guess normies are playing this game. and ALSO it reminded me that the % of players that even have the steam achievement of sleeping w/the emperor at all is so low. 12.7%. why is everyone a coward. i'm not even a self proclaimed monsterfucker. i dont like sex and im mildly phobic of tentacles. WHY IS EVERYONE A COWARD!!!!!

tho to be fair probably a lot of ppl are also romancing a companion and wanna be faithful - ive only gotten to that scene in multiplayer where none of us were in companion romances so it was guilt free go for it see what happens, in the discord call all together LOL..... then we had a lover's spat after the raphael fight 😑

[crest-of-gautier]

made an eeny bit of progress in pq today... im like maybe 80% through the 3rd floor of you in wonderland and currently level 11...!

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading in jp 11 - wrap up for vol 2 + i can talk about TriStamp undertaker wolfwood a little!!! whooo!!!

its been hella weird to read trigun in japanese since my first read was in english. i think i dug out a few extra stuff i didnt know existed in the work during this little journey. (thank you for joining in on my rambles!)

no real translation word related stuff today. mostly culture stuff dump.

but man i was right on the money when i said vash was stressed in #10. i forget he actually falls unconscious after dominique quits the narrative. yay~

me after i finish these posts at 5am every time

and then, him.

🥺✨✨raidei the blade. ✨✨ 🥺

listen. this guy. this fucking guy is, personally, the funniest guy in the entirety of trigun. for that line above in the 98 anime, and also for some stuff he represents. ...and it's not for larping reasons. ill get into that another day, please look forward to it. (i say this knowing his backstory was rough.)

anyway its time.... for Wolfwood's 'job change'.

in the manga he introduces himself as a tradesman Priest. it doesnt make much sense to outsiders but despite people getting confused, it mostly gets hand waved off as the guy being a little eccentric. and also prideful.

we then get more information about that being a cover for him being one of the Gung Ho Guns, Chapel. he can fight, hes an assassin, his job is to somehow get at Vash while being technically employed by Knives.

this wolfwood has absolutely no struggle with himself as a Priest specifically. heck, its even giving him some confidence bc he actually knows his stuff and can get by with those priestly things alone. at least, i assume so, bc otherwise the pride thing would be very misplaced as he is revealed that he really wants out of the insane GHG business, and wants nothing to do with his coworkers, as it were.

but TriStamp Wolfwood is... different in that pride regard

this version of wolfwood introduces himself as an Undertaker. he's technically a Priest, but he clearly lacks so much pride that he chooses to be an Undertaker.

the narrative tracks since he's the guide to send Vash to hell in tristamp, but theres at least 1 more layer to this.

so, Shinto! Shinto has played a very big part in Japanese culture and history since idk the beginning of Japanese history, affecting society and culture and governance.

key thing for this post: Shinto has a concept named Kegare/Defilement, which you can think of as an accumulation of evil energy. bad energy. bad enough to attract misfortune, evil spirits, and evil evil evil bad bad bad. (ive actually written about this in video game context before if you wanna read it here)

Kegare is generated upon death, blood, menstruation, and all that. in some modern media, Kegare can also be depicted to be generated by an accumulation of negative emotions from people. but for the longest time, it was mainly Death. (oh and somewhat also women with the whole uh.... you know, menstruation, childbirth, and stillbirths etc.)

but: Kegare is NOT sin, and should not be seen as such.

old japan governance also used Caste System. so combine that with shinto, and society and here's the not fun stuff: we now have a discriminated class of people who did all of society's very necessary but deemed dirty jobs. these are the Butchers, Leatherworkers, Executioners, and Undertakers. (which is wild. a society would not be able to function without them.)

they are shunned, deemed too dirty, too tainted, too polluted to ever have a hope of having a better life. since social mobility wasnt a thing with Caste System. and coming too close to them means pollution on the self too.

the Caste System got abolished, and today the descendants are called Burakumin 部落民. they are still being discriminated against to this day. the remnants of the dirtiness with certain jobs still remain, especially with jobs that involves the dead. its also possible to know who is a descendant of one through family names, which can be used to trace family registry and sus out old residences etc.

feel free to watch the above video for a clearer explanation by a japanese man instead of just taking my word for it >_>

back to wolfwood.

studio orange making him go from Priest to Undertaker is likely rooted in a logic associated with this. that TriStamp wolfwood lacks the confidence to have a strong identity outside of GHG, whereas manga wolfwood has. that TriStamp wolfwood really does think of himself as trash and worthless even before outsiders' judgement, whereas manga wolfwood's struggle is more about an internal struggle of being lost.

manga wolfwood is also never truly free from his identity as Chapel until the very end.

but TriStamp wolfwood gets a full contract saying that hes free from Chapel (i assume!)

i think theres also additional implications but im losing braincells by the minute. the change makes so much sense and tracks so well that apart from the confidence thing, everything is more or less intact.

(worth possibly nothing also, I think TriStamp wolfwood isnt fully checking boxes of uhhh Normality in japanese context. hes dressed in a mess, hes not clean shaven, his skin is kinda dark and not fair, he speaks in non-standard japanese. but ymmv, he will be ok in kansai at least, but not fully fitting in in Capital Tokyo nor ex-Capital Kyoto.)

i also, admittedly, dont know much about the culture surrounding death and undertakers within the states or europe so i cant comment much on that aspect. im aware i must have missed something. on that front, sorry D:

anyway thats all i got for now! thanks for reading this long ass post! EDIT: IMPORTANT ADDITION - Baptism parallel with Shinto

[agaypanic]

They're open yay omg!! Ok I had a cute idea for Rodrick Heffley if you're up for it! :)

Rodrick x Male!Reader where reader sings him 'boyfriend' by Big Time Rush the same way that Rodrick sang 'baby' by Justin Bieber for that one girls birthday (I literally don't remember her name lol but also it doesn't have to be his birthday) but like, it doesn't end as badly as it did for him lmao

Idk if they should be an established relationship between him and reader or if this is like readers confession so ill let you choose what you feel like writing for!

Boyfriend (Rodrick Heffley X Male!Guitarist!Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: While waiting for your friends to show up to band practice, you decide to show Rodrick a new song you’ve been working on.

A/N: this is my first time writing for rodrick so pls lmk how i did! au where reader wrote ‘boyfriend’ instead of btr (with a few tweaks). rodrick and reader are in the talking stage (i dont wanna say situationship but ig that works lol) but their friends dont know about it. the only instrument i know about is the violin so sorry if i get anything wrong. also i think doing singing in stories/fics is kinda weird/awkward but whatever lol

***

You always cherished the few minutes you had alone with Rodrick during band practice. Sure, you liked your other friends. But there was something about being able to watch Rodrick not put on the whole ‘bad boy rocker’ persona that he was used to wearing. Around you, he felt like he could wind down and not think as much.

Although, he didn’t think too much in the first place.

“I think we have a real shot at winning this talent show,” Rodrick said, drumming a beat on your thigh as he watched you tune your guitar. “We just need to practice more.”

“Well, I think we sound fine right now.”

“We don’t need to sound fine; we need to sound great!”

“Chill out, Roddy.” You said gently, putting a hand on his shoulder. “It’s a month away; we have plenty of time.”

“Don’t call me that.” Despite his words, the corner of Rodrick’s lip twitched up at the nickname. You were the only one who called him that. At first, he didn’t like it; it wasn’t a hardcore rocker name. But soon, he found himself getting giddy at the softness of it. “I guess you’re right, though.” 

Rodrick strummed his fingers across the strings of your guitar, laughing when you slapped his hand away.

“Work on anything new lately?” He asked, looking up at you from his hunched-over position. Along with being the guitarist, you were one of the main songwriters in Löded Diper, having many one-on-one writing sessions with Rodrick. That’s how the two of you grew closer, going from childhood friends playing on slides to somewhere between friends and something more, playing songs. Secret handshakes turned to lingering touches, and loud laughs turned to whispered jokes.

You were a bit hesitant to answer. You had been working on some new songs, but they didn’t exactly fit the Löded Diper brand. They were love songs, most, if not all, written with Rodrick in mind. 

“Kind of.” You finally say, picking at a frayed edge of your jeans. Rodrick perked up, always loving your new material.

“Yeah? Show me!”

“It’s not exactly like the stuff we play.” You argue, a bit anxious at the thought of Rodrick hearing what you had been toying with recently. “Besides, it’s not finished.”

Rodrick just shrugged, leaning back in his seat.

“Show me anyway.”

You hated how you could never say no to those eyes. You sighed and finally agreed, fiddling with your guitar while trying to remember the chords.

“No laughing.” You say.

“When do I ever laugh at you, Y/n?”

“All the time.” With that, you started playing. You gave Rodrick a nervous glance before clearing your throat and singing.

“Have you ever had the feeling you’re drawn to someone?

And there isn’t anything they could of said or done?

And everyday I see you on your own

And I can’t believe that you’re alone

But I overheard your friends and this is what they said”

Looking over at Rodrick, you saw him intently listening. Any other time, you’d be prideful of the fact that all his attention was on you. But right now, it made you wanna run. But you stayed planted in your seat and continued with the song.

“That you’re looking for a boyfriend

I see that, gimme time, you know I’m gonna be there

Don’t be scared to come put your trust in me

Can’t you see all I really want to be

Is your boyfriend

Can’t fight that

Knock me down you know I’m coming right back

I don’t care at all what you done before

All I really want is to be your

Boyfriend”

You let the last chord ring out before you set your guitar down and cleared your throat.

“So, yeah…” Rodrick kept staring at you. “That’s… the song.”

Rodrick scooted closer to you, and you lifted your head to face him eye-to-eye.

“Did you write that about me?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. You bit your lip, watching how his hair fell from the movement.

“Depends.” You say, taking a deep breath. “Did you like it?”

Suddenly, Rodrick laughed. It made you stiffen, but you soon relaxed when he put a hand on the back of your neck.

“You’re so corny, dude.” He said before closing the gap between you. 

After the shock washed away, you gripped at his hair and ratty t-shirt, wanting to keep him close. You had come close to kissing Rodrick a few times, mainly while drunk at parties that you shouldn’t have been at or during writing sessions that eventually got interrupted by Rodrick’s younger brother Greg. But those close moments didn’t prepare you for how good the real thing felt.

When you parted, you rested your forehead on Rodrick’s as the two of you caught your breath. You opened your eyes and moved back a bit so you could see him clearly.

“So…” You start, not knowing what to do from here. “Are you looking for a boyfriend?”

“Sure.” Rodrick snorted before kissing you again.

[romanarose]

Sicky Wicky

Frankie Morales x fem!reader

Join my taglist : Masterlist

Buy Me A Coffee : Kofi

Written for @strang3lov3. IDK if you're still sick but i wanted to just whip a lil thing up real fast for you. I hope you like Frankie, I saw you have him on your masterlist. I know Joel is our guy but as you know i decidedly don't write for him anymore so I hope this is okay <3 Frankie is my sweet soft baby

Summary: Just Frankie taking care of you while sick <3

Warnings: Some mild sex jokes

***

When entering the home he shared with you, Frankie avoid his usual "honey, I'm home!" routine, knowing when you don't feel good you like to nap on the couch a lot.

He slid his cowboy boots off, trying his best to not let the heels clomp on the wood floors but grumbling when his sock stepped in a pile of melting snow.

"Baby?" You call from the living room, and Frankie mumbles a swear.

Rounding the corner (with one wet sock) Frankie peaked at you. 'damp' was the first descriptor his head came up with, but he'd never tell you that.

"Hey baby, feeling any better?"

You give a little shrug. "Stopped puking, fevers pretty low now. I think I'll be okay tomorrow."

As much as he wanted to stay home with you and take care of you, unfortunately in this economy losing the hours for both of you wasn't ideal. Still, he'd managed to swing by during his break and check on you when you weren't answering his texts, only to find you fast asleep.

He checked your forehead, and yeah, just a little warm. That was good, you were on the mend.

"You think you can eat some tomato soup?"

You look up at him, tired eyes and- yeah, damp hair. Poor girl. "With grilled cheese pweeeeeeeeze?"

Francisco couldn't help but laugh a little. "the best damn grilled cheese ever. Only the best for my poor sicky wicky baby."

He did not disappoint. The bread was grilled with garlic butter, the good cheese and lots of it. The cheese pull on that beast was Instagram worthy, and he even garnished the tomato soup with parsley.

Mouth full, you look at Frankie's shit eating grin as he sat on the couch, your cold feet tucked under his butt. "You're awful proud of yourself, aren't you?"

"You're eating my food and moaning like that time you ate me ass, so yeah, feeling pretty good."

You wiggle your feet just to make him yelp, and have the first good laugh you've had since falling ill last night.

When the mutual laughter settles, the sounds of your favorite sitcom playing reruns on the TV echoing in the background, your voice fades into sincerity. "Thank you for taking care of me." You yawn, setting aside a plate that had not a crumb on it and a bowl licked clean.

Frankie runs your knee, a smile reaching up to his eyes in little crinkles. "Not a problem at all. You getting tired again."

"Yeah, wanna finish this episode though." You snuggle back down under the blankets, eyes dropping. You weren't making it through the episode.

"Okay." He pats your leg and grunts as he gets up. "i'm gonna get a load in the dishwasher while it finishes, then I'll carry your happy ass to bed, hows that?"

Another yawn. "Something somethin... I'll take your load.... something... in my..."

"dishwasher?"

"yeah I lost it."

"Good job baby." He pats your head as he walks around the couch, chuckling. "I'm sure it'll come to you."

"Uuhhhh you'll cum... into me?"

"Go to sleep!" Frankie calls over his shoulder. You're in the middle of arguing when you fall asleep again, tummy full, fighting off the last of your sickness.

***

Hope you all liked it! Been a hot minute since I wrote non-dark frankie!

Want some dark frankie? Want cute frankie smut? Want A dad!frankie series dealing with addiction?

thank you all for reading!!!! I might be MIA for a while, im going on a trip to get away and write this novel that was originally based off a fishben fish I wrote LOL, then Ill be online classes full time and, if i get this job i so desperatly want, working full time. I'm so broke it's so fucking bad I need this job ;-; so, prayers plz

HOPE YOUR FEELING BETTER BUG!!!

[viscera-vampire-gutz]

hi. for the ask post:

any grotto thoughts 😁. like about anything at all

-7 (i dont want to send asks w my main)

i’m good about remembering to answer things ❤️ ok hi i’ve been . LOSING MY MIND just in general the grotto has consumed my life like fully like actual and i cannot stop relating it to things happening in my real life which is NOOOOOOT good. but it’s ok because we ball. i still need to relisten to everything about a million more times but ive just been looping the music ever since i woke up ,,, i dont even know what to do there are so many things in my mind. there’s a ton of art i want to make — specifically one ive been thinking abt is david in the cave with ambrose’s guardian angel line? yeah i think about that a normal amount. Ummm relatedly a david piece based on the cover art for iris … idk i was looking at it earlier and was like. Yeah this could be a biblical angel. so there’s that. and then generally just ,,, ok this idea i had more recently Like it came together properly in my mind more recently but i wanna do a piece with matt paired with different people, david emily and ambrose i think? with cracks and shit in between idk IM REALLY INSPIRED BY YOIR ART OFTEN I CANT LIE i really really love your composition of things so i have been Looking 👁️👁️ with my eyes … help i also. redid my phone wallpapers with your art OOPS. IRS SO GOOD WHAT AM I MEANT TO DOOOOOOO ITS SO GOOD. grotto BRAINROT. lock screen is the repaired piece and home screen is the shattered piece if you’re curious lol IM! NORMAL! i’m normal often I ALSO KEEP THINKING AHOUT THE GAMING DAY ON WEDNESDAY IN THE SETVER THAY EAS SO DUMB tko was so stupid. what do you mean i want to buy a shirt that has the grotto logo with arms and an eyeball and it says I peed your pants. what the hell. guys i love this community and this podcast so much it makes me ill. check on me in six years btw surely nothing bad will happen and i will not be returning to this podcast for any reason whatsoever. something something i have been to the future Im not finishing this though. ok.

[screampied]

see I just realised you said GHOST and not ghostface,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that’s very embarrassing I wish I could unsend an ask bc that’s so embarrassing,,,,,,,,,,,, EISH IM CURLIN UP I MISREAD IT AGHHH

close enough it’s TOJI and he’s sexy so :3333

did he js flick the reader’s forehead,,, OU HIS HANDS ARE COLD?? MEOWWWWW “are you even listening” NO KING IM TRYNA HEAR UR DICKS HEARTBEAT MIAOOWWWWWW

“wanna feel?” 😧 well,,,,,,,, it must be the witching hour bc I’m about to do some magical spells on that shit LMFAOAOA 😭 “knock y’erself out” AYE AYE CAP’N 😻‼️

HAPPY TRAIL??????? AND DIANA IS ON THE PROWL MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW “you wanna find out?” VEGAS YOURE KILLING ME SHES HISSING I CANT DO THIS AUSGGDHFHFHFHF “c’mere then” LAWD IM IN HEAT sorry that is wild..

“knees” did and done 🧎🏾‍♀️”bra, take that off too” SO HE WANNA SEE MY TITS 😛😛😛 BEST BELIEVE THAT SHIT IS FLYING OFF (I’m so sorry.) “fuck, y’er pretty” THANK YOU DADDY 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

“it’s too big for you? thats my bad” cocky about his cock,,, I NEED HIM AUGGH

“play with your tits” … radio silence…………… unexpected……….. NO BC THE WAY MY JAW ACC DROPPED I WAS LIKE WOAH?? BUT I MEAN SHIT IF THERES A WILL THERES A WAY I GOT THE ASSETS FOR ALLAT !!

“such a pretty mouth, ugh” the ugh in italic? I HEARD IT?? LAED?? IM SO FINISHED IM PROPERLY DONE “good girl. haah, ‘s good” meows.

“yer nasty” VEGAS YOU ALWAYS SERVE AT THE RIGHT TIMES IVE BEEN GEEKING ABOUT BEING CALLED NASTY FOR DAYS AND YOU PULL THIS, I CANTTTT “play with yourself” FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

“you want that, sweets?” I CALL PEOPLE SWEETS TOO OMG ME N HIM TWINNIN and wtf is ectoplasm.. IS IT YHAT GREEN SHIT FROM GHOSTBUSTERS?? OH NAH GMFU SAY WHAT NOW?? nvm its whitee, false alarm :P

“Yer mouths gettin smart” IT CAN GET SMARTER, OG OFFICE SIREN RIGHT HERE !! “fuuuuuuuuck me” lawd……… LAWD I LOVE WHEN MEN DO THAT

“I wanna break you” sweet and sour kebabs.. “you have to pay for that you kno-" LMFOAOAOAOAOAO WE ARE FUNNYY “you played with her?” he referred to it as her… screampied’s version of toji is the man of my dreams NOT YOU ADRESSING IT LMFAOAOOA YOURE SO REAL FOR THAT

“n-no” “y-yea” moans. THE MOCKING I NEED THIS IN MY LIFEEE “look at that tongue” IM DYING IM BEDRIDDEN IM ILL HELP ME “listen to it with me” WOWZA “atta girl” YOWZA !

“whatever spell you had” TOLD YALL IMA BE ON MY WITCH SHIT 🗣️‼️ DONT PLAY WITH CATTTTTTT I WAS CASTIN SPELLS ALLLLL OVER LIKE “PUSSARIUS DRUNKIOS” BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO NOW HE LUV IT, IM TEWWW GOOD 😛

DID IT END OFF W A WHINY NEEDY TOJI??? im a LITTLE too good .. BUT LAWD YOU ATE IT DOWNNNN, HATS OFF TO YOU QUEENIE

— pearl anon !!!! :3

LMAOOO OMG 🫦🫦🫦 tehe yesss he’s an actual ghost but id love to write ghostface toji one day 🤚🏽 that'd eat so hard bruh

the dick's heartbeat 😭😭😭 that's new i'm gonna use that one day. YESSSS HIS HAPPY TRAIL, i could literally write so much ab happy trails it’s actual sick idk ??? like they’re jus so sexy to me. happy trails >>>

NOT U CALLING THE COOTER DIANA PLS

right he’s so cocky he just needs to get put in his place like … (he does 🌚) HEHEJE YESSS UGH IN ITALIC. it just has more pizzazz me thinks, omg i love that word pizzazzzzz. HELPPPP ectoplasm is a ghost like substance but since it’s fanfiction let’s say it’s another type of cum 👨🏽‍💻👨🏽‍💻

YESSS tojis pussy talk is literally unmatched, literally got an ask to elaborate on his pussy talk n i’m so GEEKEDDDDD. writing his dialogue makes my stomach churn up in KNOTSSSS

right. we love sassy reader's w backbone before being put in their place >>>> THE WITCH SHIT BYE. pussarius drunkios HELP ???? 😭😭😭😭

yep, whiney toji my fav 🫦 did all that just to get put in his place <3 he’s never gonna leave us bc he’s too pussy whipped now 🙂‍↕️

[raidante]

As soon as I finished my ask I saw you went to the hospital, Idk what happened but sincerely hope you're doing better now

I am!! Honestly if anyone wants to know it was honestly a really weird out of pocket thing. I'm a disabled person, who suffers from scoliosis and arthiritis and other physical defencicies because genetics and idk, I'm just the unlucky one of my family (immune disorders and bone issues also run in my family).

I already had a struggle at the beginning of August where my muscles became extremely inflammed for no apparent reason (at the time my doctor hypothosized it was perhaps the beginning of an immune disorder forming as a reaction to me getting sick the week prior to it) and it rendered me more or less paralyzed. My limbs were weak, my legs were weak, my entire back was too weak to support my body. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand, and I could not get up if I sat down. I couldn't even open a ziplock back because my hamstrings were just Not responding (I could not bend my arms and grip things). But after 2 days of rest it slowly loosened up and I was like okay. weird. scary. lets hope this doesn't happen again? (also it made me take a week off work and I was paid in pennies for that, so financially it was even a worse issue LOL).

but a month later (2 weeks ago from now), it happened AGAIN. My original choice of action was like ok. I guess Ill try sleeping this off again too. But i ended up falling really hard on my side the next day getting up so I couldn't do anything; even crawling was extremely painful. Called my dad, whos like in his 60s and im over 200 pounds so he couldn't lift me and it ended with me calling the paramedics and getting lifted to the hospital and I was wheelchair bound as they took my vitals and it turns out I was lethally low on potassium which meant my body was paralyzed and if I tried sleeping it off I would have passed away in my sleep bc my heart would have slowed down until it stopped!!! so... a good thing I ended up falling? Otherwise I would have died later that night.

They kept me overnight on ivs to get my potassium back up to par and it hasnt really dipped since then. The weird thing is it was spontaneous; nothing in my diet and in my habits besides like...mental stress (work cut the budget so I literally havent had a shift in a month since today and have been living off my life savings and friends' donations to help me stay afloat w rent.,..its Bad. Ive been trying to get disability stuff filled but they make it REALLY TOUGH even when you are disabled like I am) but that isn't even enough of a factor for such a lethal drop. They said it appeared to be a slow gradual drop in potassium too instead of like a quick sudden one, which was why I was slowly going paralyzed over the course of a few days rather than just it happening suddenly (and if it dropped suddenly I'd have had a heart attack and died, so). Went to my PCP, he has no idea. Got so much blood drawn these past few weeks I now have a permanent needle and discoloration scar from where the IV drip was, lol, and I JUST scheduled with a kidney doctor since potassium is processed through kidneys, so...maybe Ill get an answer. Desperately searching google and the only real thing that comes up is this very rare like 1% disease that just is your body slowly begins to struggle processing potassium on its own and usually medications fix that... but idk how I'd even have that since nothing like that runs in my family.

Needless to say it was very weird, very frightening, and most of all financially FRUSTRATING. My insurance covered everything bc im extremely broke, but not working at all for like a month straight on top of it has absolutely devastated me and sapped out all my creativity</3 THAT SAID! I am trying to stir myself to draw again!!!!! I have ideas!!!!! i wanna DRAW! WRITE! Its just a matter of..getting myself to do it. And also there's a league of legends event so Ive been grinding out the battlepass since Ive been on standby for work shifts for a fucking month, lol.

also as for the cat!! Kitty i kept for 2 weeks and my sister and her husband took the kitty from me saturday because theyre gonna try adopting her! and if it doesnt work out theyre gonna help find a suitable home for her. She was very cute and I fed her everyday played with her gave her baths and slept with her and she definitely helped me feel a bit more Normal during such an abnormal time in my life. Here's a pic I took of her while she was hanging out w me!

she had very big sad eyes and a very squeaky meow

[dreamsy990]

ok so i finished bbs so time for thoughts!!!!

god this game has. issues. its my least favorite so far and im not saying its BAD im just saying it could be. better

i realize i was supposed to play terra > ven > aqua but i went in order of who i was least excited about to most so i did terra > aqua > ven. also i was super underlevel as terra and aqua so when i got to ven i grinded to level 10 the moment i was able to and then breezed through the whole game

i dont wanna say that i think the game should be shorter but i do think that its not very enjoyable for like 80% of the runtime. like i think most the worlds are boring idk. im not a very big disney person but usually the worlds are pretty interesting but this time around it simply Did not hit and i think it couldve been better? idk man. a few worlds were really good like all of hollow bastion as ven is super fun like i love seeing the org cast theyre just endlessly fun. seeing ansem tw in the ending did make me very angry though i hate that guy

this whole game is a downer and i knew that going in but still like. holy shit its depressing.

i love the main trio they are such a fucked up family i love their dynamic its honestly the best part of the game. also vanitas is a joy but also he is a total fucking wimp i could beat him up in real life. also fuck terranort! that about sums up my thoughts

hate the command system id honestly rather be doing coms card game at least that required some level of thought. i hate how the game can just rip the command i just made right out of my hands that is SO rude. also ima be real i still dont know how to play command board i never read the rules

honestly the game isnt that fun i didnt really enjoy it it kinda felt like a chore to play a lot of the time. i tend to be chronically underlevel in games and tgis is the game where i felt it the hardest so every once and a while i had to just set aside a couple hours to grind and like. i enjoy a challenge so i dont mind being underlevel but this was just painful i simple Could Not. also FUCK terra if i ever have to play as him again ill throw up and die.

the opening is my second favorite so far and the story is pretty good when i know whats going on

decent game. 6.9/10 if they axed the whole command system id give it a 7.5. i think it works better in concept than in execution and replaying the exact same worlds 3 times over gets stale pretty quickly. i wish they cut out some worlds as other characters like you cannot tell me deep space ventus was necessary. solid game though

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[theatrekidstatus]

Dominique x Anthony

☔︎Cast☔︎

Dom

Anthony

Stacy

Dom's pov: It was my first day of college and I sat in class "Hey can I sit here" a freckled boy asked "Sure" "hi I'm Anthony Ramos" "Dom" "Watcha writing" "Um nothing" "sum" "I'm writing a play um never mind" "can I read please" "no it's stupid" "not if it's written by you" I did a stupid girly giggle it was so embarrassing "can I see your play now" "sure, it's not finished and -um" "hey it's great I'd act in it" "thanks" "can I have your number" "sure" we exchange phones "what's your last name" "fishback" "different.... BUT IN A GOOD WAY" "thanks" "OK class I'm Ms.smith ill be teaching Shakespeare and plays,first assignment write a play or poem with a Partner "can I be your partner" he whispers "sure" he smiled at me I tried hiding my smile -1hr later-(I don't know how long college classes are) "hey what's your next class" "uh uh boy it's down time for me" "Same what's your hallway" "A" "what room" "A3" "cool I got A4" "yay we're neighbors" "we'll see ya" "hey Dom" "hey Stacy" "how was you theatre class or whatever" "good" "you're smiling mad hard" "it's nothing" "tell meeeeee" "fine we'll there was this cute boy in my class and he's awesome" "awww you're crushingggg" "shut up he's next door" "ooooooo,I wanna meet him" Stacy ran out the door "Stacy come here" she knocks aggressively and ant came out in a towel on his waist wet hair and bulging abs "hey Kevin what's up-AHHHHHHHH" "AHHHHH" "we're so sorry" he slammed the door "WHAT DID I TELL YOU" I whisper scream "I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy I just wanted to meet him" a knock at the door "come in" "hey I'm really sorry for slamming the door" "we're sorry for just coming up to your door" "not to be rude but what did you need?" "I wanted to meet doms lil friend" "Well hi, oh Dom wanna work on our play" "Sure" "I'll leave y'all alone" "🖕🏾" "😘" "So you wanna make any tweaks" "I think it's too cute we need some humor" "I got you" 30 minutes later "wow we're finished " "good now I can nap" "you only have-" "20 minutes i know and don't care" I think he left while he was gone I had a dream we took a nice long walk and just talked and made it to a beach in L. A and he sat me down and said "Dom I love you" and leaned in for a kiss and right when we were going to kiss I felt myself being shaken "Dom Dom Dom Dom" "What" "You have your next class now" "ugh" "what's your class" "tap" (idk if she dances just go wit it) "same" "you can tap?" "Nope" we laughed "Do you wanna brush your hair" "How bad" "15 strokes?" "Gimme" -in class- "I placed in level 3, you?" "Same" "I just can't escape you can I" "Nope" "AYE you two this is not high school stop your yapping and Get to tapping" We shared a look rolled our eyes and got to tapping 5 classes later (Google was so unclear) "I'm so glad my day is OVER" he grabbed me by the arm and started running fast and went to my dorm

"What the hell" "I'm sorry but the night class kids were coming and they have a REAL problem with being late" "How big" "15 inches" "Ew" "But they will beat up anyone in the hall after they're late" "ain't we a lil old for bullying" "you wanna get trampled or beat to a pulp" "nah nah" "exactly, so can I crash here for a few" "sure lover boy" "wow lil fish" "lil fish?" "Yep" "I should kick your ass out right now" "Well why am I lover boy" "I see how you look at Nataliaaa" Yeah sure it hurt that ant had a crush on another girl, but what can ya do? "shut up" "hahaha lover boy" "🙄" "are you gonna ask her out or just look at her like a dork" "shut up" "ok ok I'm done but are youuuu" "maybe I don't know" "you should" "do you like someone" "what no?!" "Oh my god you do spilllll" "no" "pleaseeee" "no" "whyyyyyy" "you'd laugh" "is it that ONE dude who in Shakespeare class" "ew no" "then I won't judgeeeeeeeeeeee" "nooooo,anyway we should practice our play" we here a knock "umm is Dominique fishbacks Room" "yeah" "can I come in" "ant go get the door" "ok" ant opens the door "oh hi ant" natlia greeted "h-i nat oh I'm sorry can I call you nat" "yeah is Dom here" "ye-ah ba-ck he-re" "hi nat what's up" "oh you dropped this in class and I wanted to give it to you" "oh my god I've been looking for that everywhere thank you" "no problem bye Dom bye ant" "bye" ant says weakly "see ya" i replied "ant I know we've been friends for a day and I can't be too rude but what the hell" "I know" "hey I'm sure someone has worse skills" "doesn't feel like it" "DOM" "STACY" "DO NOT GO OUT THERE WITH THOSE NIGHT COLLEGE KIDS THEY DO NOT PLAY" "ARE YOU OK" "yeah barley THEY'RE LIKE ZOMBIES" "lay down" "ok what's up ant" "hey" "are we ever going get to practice" "I don't know" we just laughed "I guess I should head out" ant left "CANT YALL JUST DATE" Stacy screamed "shut up he doesn't even like me" "yes he dose" "he likes- never mind" "OUHH TELL ME" "no I don't gossip" "it's me" "yeah anthor reason I can't trust you" "🖕" "😘"

Next DaY

"Hey lover boy" "Hi lil fish" "Is your girl here yet" "Shut up" he was so red "Haha" "is your man here yet" "Maybe" "Just tell me" "Can you keep a secret" "yeah" "good so can I" "🙄" "DUDE SHES HERE SHES RIGHT THERE" "oh my god shut up" "HI NAT" "hi Dom ant can I sit wit y'all" "sure" "so how's the play going" "amazing we worked so hard on it and we're proud RIGHT ANT" "mhm" "ok class we're gonna present because everyone seems comfortable and ready "Anthony gimme your book" "why" "just gimme" I highlighted his lines "thank you?" "No problem" "AND ANTHONY Dominique CAN GO FIRST" "Can we borrow someone from the class" "ILL DO IT" some kid yelled "OK Well get up here" We acted The thing out he wasn't that bad of an actor we finished up "wow you can act what else can you do" "a lot" "like what" "sing and play baseball" "sing?" "Yeah" "Can I hear" "No we're in class!" "After?" "Sure" AFTER CLASS

"LOVER BOY" "LIL FISH" "sing" "right here right now?" "YESSSSSS" "NOOOOOOOO" "Please" "Fine what song" "The beginning song to In the Heights" "UGHH lights up on Washington hights" "WOAH YOU CAN SING, "Stacy says while cutting In the middle of us "Yeah kinda," he says while stroking his hair" "don't be shy now lover boy" "lover boy?" "It's an inside joke" "Well I got class See ya two" "BYE" "Now back to your song" -aFtEr SoNg- (a/n AND NO I WILL NOT BE WRITING THE WHOLE THING)

"Wow" "Thanks?" "Oh no the night kids are coming RUN!" We crashed In my dorm "Why is your side of the room so underdecorted" "I dont care about how it looks only if I get work done" "Be for real" "Fine I'm broke" he Chuckled a little "um hey dom I have a question for you" "yeah" "should I ask nat out" wow that kinda hurt but I want him to be happy "of course" "what if she says no" "she probably not your a great guy but if she does you'll find some one else" I say while sitting next to him and placing my hand on his "thanks dom" "should I text her or ask in class" "in class" "cool can I practice on you sure" "so I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out some time" "perfect now are you actually going to say that" "shut up" he said while we both laughed "I hope so" "oh it's time to clock out see you tomorrow" "y'all are so cute" "shush stace"

-next day-

I went to class I was always first but today I was second "Lover boy" "lil fish" "What are you doing here" "Sweating" "nerves?" "Yeah" "Don't worry it's okay remember no is just a word that can't hurt you but she shouldn't have to tell you repeatedly" "Hey guys I didn't expect you to be here so early" "hey nat can I ask you a question" "Sure" "So I've liked you for a while and I was wondering if you want to go out sometime" she just burst out a laugh "you'd think I go out WITH YOU" she just started laughing hard and ant just slumped down red-faced tears forming "you good" "no" "wanna say you're sick and skip" "mhm" "hey professor ants a little sick can I take him to a nurse or his dorm" "you can just borrow the notes from someone else" "thank you"

-in the dorm-

"Anthony you know if you wanna cry it's ok too" "How could I be so stupid to think she loves ME" "It's not stupid it is stupider that she doesn't" "Is there something wrong with m-" I cut him off with a kiss he looks at me "I'm sorry" and ran off I ran out the whole building I get a called from Stacy "where the fuck are you" I explain everything "stay right there I am going to get you" "hey" "ant."

[okamiwind]

hm here's an update on how i've been doing

i went on a band trip last week that took a lot out of me emotionally, but it was fun also? sometimes life is weird like that. like maybe you had something annoying happen to you but then that annoyance leads to a bitch session that leaves you closer to someone else, maybe in a way that you wouldn't have known before. so idk. good and bad. you're just supposed to have both, i guess.

as i've been away, i haven't been writing much besides paradisium. paradisium, despite only requiring 500 words a day, sometimes feels like a real slog. i dont think i had a super clear idea of the middle of this story, so trying to figure it out is a challenge.

now that i'm thinking about it, a lot of my stories start that way? i have a very clear beginning point, a very clear end point, and the middle is like jeremy bearimy. like how do you unravel a knot that was tied in the fabric of time? you cant, of course. you just try and hack away at it with a butter knife

summer pretty much started for me last week as i don't follow the calendar dates for seasons. seasons should be entirely Vibes based. so anyway summer started last week and i can't wait for it to be over. counting down the days pretty much.

i'm not really looking forward to my birthday, but it will be pretty cool to hopefully be finished paradisium by then. lets all put our hands together in prayer.

oh yeah. i was gonna say... today i started writing iatbye again after an extended absence and tiana happened to catch me with a call in the middle of it (usually i write in blocks of 1k, so i think of .5 as my halfway point). as i was talking to her i was like man, this is a terrible time to talk to me because all my thoughts are completely absurd and strange and weird, like i told her that the horse is a metaphor and she's like yeah of course it is and then i explained the metaphor at her for 5 minutes and then the next 5 minutes i told her about my anxieties about the next two chapters for iatbye and why that's probably contributed to my lack of energy to write it

yeah chapter 12 is like, the climax of this part. the way that chapter 17 and 25 were those big emotional moments for part one, chapter 12 will be the emotional centerpiece of part two. so it's like. you know, i'm sure it will be fine, and truthfully it doesn't matter if it sucks bc im not being graded and its just for fun, whatever whatever, but at the same time, i have these Standards TM for myself that i almost certainly can't live up to. so its worrisome. you can write things a thousand different ways, and i have to try to write it the Right way. so i worry over it.

sidlink is still on the backburner. i know in some way or another what i wanna do with that fic but its just too wide open right now for me. i need to finish an iatbye chapter to like. get back into my groove. get some confidence back or something.

so idk. that's how i am now mostly. i mostly exist in a state of depressed (and i mean that in the squashed sort of depressed way, not big sad kind of depressed way) anxiety. like most of the time i can deal with it but then ill get hit with this wave that just like waterboards me lmao

[baahsu]

HIII BAHH SRRY FOR DISINTEGRATING FOR A FEW DAYS OPLA HAD MOMENTARILY CONSUMED EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING

HOWEVER this has been sitting, unfinished, in my vscest doc for a while now so i decided to finish it up. here u go eat up friend :]] oh yeah angst warning at the beginning btw:

so. lies on the floor. ichiji deserves to get fucked stupid after having a bad day and im thinking abt him w yonji rn so. :)

emotions regained/vs bros redemption ichiji having that almost subtle kinda self hatred one day- (bc in emotions regained aus all the brothers are chronically mentally ill, they're so traumatized its painful :,D) -not the kind that makes you wanna scream or cry or throw up, instead the kind that makes your heart go a little faster than normal and that makes your skin crawl and makes you feel sick for being alive. the kind that builds and builds until it's too much.

yonji (the most *emotionally* intelligent one out of 124ji, methinks) eventually notices smthns wrong and asks ichi abt it and ichiji just Breaks. like he pauses, crumples into a ball, and starts pulling his hair and venting about how he feels so disgusting and unworthy of love and how he wants to rip his skin off for something new and he hates this he hates this he hates this he hates himself

and yonji LISTENS to him. he listens with a frown until ichi is fucking winded, hyperventilating, and sweating with frustrated tears in his eyes. and then yonji hits him with the

"What do you need me to do, Ichiji?"

then ichi just stops shaking (and breathing) entirely for a moment as the question registers b4 his shaking slowly starts up again and his bottom lip starts trembling and he slowly looks up at yonji with big ole watery eyes and shakily signals him over to cuddle and theybpagaufuafuaf!!!!

the two of em lying down w yonji holding ichiji tight against his chest- one hand/arm curled around chijis lower back while the other is running through his hair and ichis just curling around yonji like a koala. he buries his face in yonjis neck and is constantly mumbling "im sorry" and yonji says "theres nothing to apologize for" each and every time back, proving his point by pressing a kiss to a different part of ichiji each time.

this continues on until ichiji stops crying and calms down. then he thanks yonji by sitting up slowly and holding yonjis face in his hands and kissing him *so* gently.

^ idk maybe its just me but i feel like out of all the vs siblings ichiji would have the hardest time being gentle. sanji always has been, reiju *secretly* always has been, yonji *had* to learn to be (even when he was still emotionless) bc of his strength (and therefore it came somewhat easily to him when he got emotions), nijis always been a giant fucking tsundere so even though hes an ass about 90% of the time, he does have the capability to at least sit and listen and take care of someone he loves (especially after regaining emotions, the percentile changes from 90/10 to 50/50 then lmao), but ichiji?? the perfect, emotionless soldier, even after getting fixed??? practically unheard of.

so when he pulls THIS shit???

it makes yonjis libido go WHAM. like that mf went redder than chijis hair. might as well been a cartoon character with the way he practically started floating as his eyes turned into hearts

THEN. then that gentle kiss delvesssss

ichiji getting lost in his emotions, leading him to grab yonjis face so *desperately* and straddle his hips/lap and kiss him thru tears.. n yonjis there half dumbstruck half horny, grinding on ichis ass while the hands once petting his hair and stroking his back to soothe him move to squeeze at it bc holy shiiit what is happening rn yonji cant compute. do u see the vision 🙈🙈

then, SHOCKINGLY, (/sarc) they fuck each other stupid. like STUPID stupid. so stupid that when 023 find them in the morning they straight up think the two were jumped in an alley together or smthn with how marked up their bodies were n shit (but they figure it out real quick once they see how badly ichiji was limping :]) ((tho if you asked me personally yonji wasnt exactly walking straight either :]])) (((they are both switches :]]])))

AND SCENE. i wrote abt both ichiniji and yoniji b4 this so now the 124ji circle is complete lmao. i need more soft ichiji in my life and if theres no one to provide i shall make it myself :)) -J.J

Honestly relatable, I can't stop thinking about opla since the day I watched it lol it was so good and I want to rewatch it already

But back to vcest 👀

Ichiji being emotionally stunted after getting his emotions back is a concept that's always at the back of my mind but I never put too much thought into it, but now I'm 👀

I see him as trying to keep himself, and the others, together, he doesn't let his emotions run freely, he tries not to let them take the better of him else he might go down and spiral of self hatred and guilt, so he puts his energy into looking after the others and trying to come up with a plan to get them out of judge's grasp

It takes a toll on him of course, his repressed emotions keep building up and he feels himself going insane and with no way to vent

When yonji catches him like this, on the verge of panicking, he finally let's go and it feels so good and so freeing for once. Yonji's rock solid, he embraces him, takes his whole body into strong arms and makes him feel safe, and he doesn't budge, he lets ichiji cry against his shoulder until he's satisfied and spent

Ichiji's tired but tries to show his gratitude with a kiss and yonji combusts. It's not every day that he has ichiji this pliant and soft and sweet sprawled in his lap and he wants to do so many things to him but his brain's all muddled and he doesn't know where to begin!!

Once he gets a hold of himself tho, it's over for ichiji, the strength he used to comfort him will now be used to ruim him

[mariska]

i am having a horrible chronic pain and illness flareup today but i absolutely NEED to take a shower because its been way too many days now (i have been Extra Sick the past week or two-ish and have had even less energy than i do regularly which is. less than none. regularly. lmao 😞) but it Will flare up my symptoms even worse than it is right now and its very difficult to negotiate to my brain that i still have to take care of my body and myself despite that. but my brain is like. HYPERFIXATION DISTRACTION: U SHOULD DRAW NATHALIE (character i love who is canonically disabled and has very similar symptoms 2 my real life disability symptoms and is also my personal patron saint of comically bad chronic pain/illness circumstances)

and there is just. idk how to describe it. theres a really fucking stupid funny phenomenon that just happened in my brain where as soon as the hyperfixation side tried to sneak its lil Avoiding A Necessary Task By Focusing On Special Interest Thing Instead urge into my train of thought it IMMEDIATELY made the logical part of my brain go "oh, absolutely not. now you HAVE to go take a shower and brush your teeth and take care of yourself despite the horribleness of those things w ur current pain situation because ur fav chronic pain girlie Ms Nathalie EternalBedrest would actively disapprove of you sketching lil doodles of her to avoid a necessary health related task and knowing that she would be supremely disappointed in u if she was a real person and not a cartoon character is an even worse feeling than knowing that u will be in more pain post-shower".

so now i have to go do it. my brain is so hyperfixation and special interest oriented 24/7 that it just did an Olympic track race all by itself starting at "cant do it, worse pain incoming", running to "focus on something involving disabled character u love and relate to instead" and then crossed the finish line at "if she was real she'd scold you like you're a fucking child and that sucks so much. thats embarrassing as hell. she would hate ur stupid distraction doodles. why do u wanna make her more sad than she already is. she is so sad all of the time and u are not helping"

anyways once again Nathalie from My Most Embarrassing Special Interest Media has saved the day just by existing in a fictional realm and also in my personal brain all the time forever. thanks queen

[m318x2]

I think I'm gonna be a therapist. I keep trying to force myself to believe I'll be happy and fulfilled in other professions but I just feel a calling to help people like me. and I know I can't just "save" them and that it'll be a really emotionally laborious and generally challenging job, but I want to help people the way my therapists have helped me. I want a job that incentivizes taking care of myself when I'm off work (because when you're a therapist your job performance is worse when you aren't mentally healthy yourself), and a work environment full of people who are educated on mental illness.

I've been in therapy since I was 16 and I've been holding the idea of being a therapist in my brain since then. I'm almost 21 now. I never thought it was a feasible idea because you have to heal first before you can be a good therapist, but I'm half way through DBT right now and for the first time ever I think school might actually be feasible again. I think I might actually be able to heal. like for real. I know that means that I have to be solidly in recovery from my ED within the next 6ish years (You need a bachelors and a masters before you can start training to be a therapist and once you finish training you can get licensed). I can't do that right now but in 6 years? it's possible. I've been in therapy for 5 and I already am at a place mentally that I didn't think was possible.

I just can't bring myself to start recovery yet because I'm still stuck in the "ok I'm significantly underweight but I'm not scary eugenia cooney kairi cosplay level underweight so really I should lose more weight first and then recover" mentality and like. I know I won't feel any different because I've been saying this for the entire course of my ED and I never feel any different when I get thinner, just like. less bad. not more good, just less bad. I like getting thinner it's just never quite enough. but I just. I just need to see. I just wanna know how far I can push it. idk.