#i very much have no desire to do any of that cus i dont want to get him fired or anything but like.

[altruistic-meme]

i think if he approaches me about it again on Monday im going to have to be like. "dude. listen. genuinely, i need you to understand. do not ever correct me on what gender i say i am. don't do it to anyone else, either. it is an incredibly dick move and i found it neither cute nor funny. and if you ever say anything along the lines of "you have an obligation" because i was born with a fucking vagina again, i will be cutting your balls off and turning your dick inside out and then YOU can enjoy the obligations of having a vagina."

and if he tries to get upset at me about it i will tell him that quite frankly im chill with him but i can and will go to HR about it if it happens again. i am more than happy to deal with it between us but if it isn't dealt with then i will take it one step further. don't fucking try me again.

hes lucky enough im not STARTING with that.

trying very hard to not be annoyed or upset and failing URGH

[mothman-clarice]

Ok so I watched american psycho for the first time last night and I got a great idea for a cool crossover/thought experiment.

What if Patrick Bateman met Hannibal Lecter?

Quick note: I haven't read the book american psycho but I have done a little research about it. Also I'm aware that theres a lot of debate on whether or not patrick actually kills anybody since he is a very unreliable narrator. For the sake of this analysis we will assume all of his murders are real since I dont feel like opening up that complicated can of worms lol.

So first I'd like to do a little character analysis/compare and contrast with both of them cus I think these characters are very interesting to compare.

Let's see what they have in common first. They both are serial killers and cannibals who are lethally efficient and prolific. They are both very successful with Bateman being a millionaire wall street investor and hannibal being Lithuanian royalty and a successful psychiatrist. They are characterized as having some sort of mental illness/disorder, bateman obviously being a stereotypical psychopath plus possibly antisocial personality disorder and hannibal having several which I cant name off the top of my head. They are both known for having "high class" taste and deeply emerse themselves in fine culture.

Now let's talk about their differences...

While yes they both share one key character trait (being murderers) they are still vastly different in terms of personality and behavior. Let's start with their attitude/tendencies towards murder.

Hannibal may be a prolific vicious murderer but if you look closely enough you will see he actually has some form of moral compass. He never hurts children, only adults over the age of 20. He rarely if ever kills women (at least to my knowledge, I haven't read all the books or seen all the movies) which is very likely rooted in his chivalrous nature. He never kills out of the blue, he always has some reason for it, be it his victim making a rude remark or doing something hannibal finds reprehensible. No matter what, he always has some reasoning behind his killings. So while yes he is a vicious murderer, he does actually have a moral compass if you look hard enough.

And then there's Patrick Bateman.

Patrick's murderous behavior is completely different from hannibal. He is erratic and random, killing whoever just so happens to be closest whenever he gets the urge. He has compulsions to kill whereas hannibal pretty much has full self control and only kills of his own free will. Patrick never has any clear reasoning for his murders beyond very vague rationalizations which mostly boil down to "they are different from me" or they said something he perceived as a personal insult. Unlike hannibal, bateman has absolutely no moral compass since he completely lacks empathy. He despises anyone who is higher or lower class than him (especially the lower class), he despises women and views them as objects made for his sexual pleasure and nothing else. Women, especially sex workers, are actually his primary targets since he already views them as subhuman and knows he has great power over them physically and often financially. To him humans are tools he uses to achieve his desires. He completely lacks any emotion, even saying his only emotions are greed and disgust.

He is the purest example of the Id you could possibly think of. His brain is controlled by the most base primal instincts: hoard resources to preserve your own survival, fight and kill anyone you see as a threat or as different from you, and have sex as much as possible. His ultimate goal in life is to fit in with the rest of the white cishet male wall street yuppies, his "tribe" if you want to continue with the primitive themes.

In regards to emotion hannibal does very much feel. Yes his perception of emotion may be different from most people but he still absolutely has the capacity to feel sadness, love, joy, and more alongside anger and disgust. He may be violent but he is not devoid of empathy. We all know he falls deeply in love with clarice because he empathizes with her trauma and struggle. He recognizes her frustration with trying to get the male dominated world to notice her capability and strength. He marvels at her brilliance and adores her independence, he loves her, so so much.

What does bateman love? Well he certainly loves money and power. But does he feel that way about anything else? No. The closest thing he feels to love is lust, primal carnal desire. He hates women, he only values them for sex and nothing else. (Sorry to break the essay emerson but I just need to say this. Why didnt this guy just get a fleshlight? A sex doll? Like if you hate women so much but wanna fuck just get a fuckin toy dude, I'm sure they existed in the 1980s 🙄)

Another thing I noticed they differed with is their attitude towards wealth and media. Patrick is obviously obsessed with both. Media permeates every moment of his existence, constantly listening to music every chance he gets, "watching" movies (mostly just playing them as background noise), obsessing over p0rnography, and so much more. His attitude towards porn is especially interesting to me as he doesnt seem to consume it in the way people normally do. The first scene that comes to mind is the one where hes on a phone call with Evelyn while a porn video plays on his tv. He doesnt even look at the screen, he seemingly shows zero interest. Theres nothing near him in the scene that would suggest he was "enjoying" it (tissues, lotion, y'know..). Its like he just put it on as background noise just like he does with movies. He has similar behavior when he brings in the escorts and rambles about music while instructing them to perform for him, despite the fact he spends most of the beginning walking around his apartment not even looking at the women. It's like he has no idea how human sexuality works, he obviously doesnt feel horny given those two examples, it's like he just has sex and looks at porn because it gives him some kind of status or maybe it just gives him something to do. Maybe he does it purely because it seems like something a "normal human" would do.

As for his obsession with wealth, bateman seems to have a similar attitude. He hates going out with people to diners since we know he hates people in general. He seems to only go out with his fellow yuppies to feel like hes part of something. He pretends to get along with them and says anything they like to hear, putting on a character as if he was playing out a fantasy in his head. He expects people to be impressed with his wealth and feels deeply insulted when they're not. He sees wealth as a necessity, he constantly needs to be richer and more extravagant than everyone else. He is the ultimate personification of greed, a gluttonous, jealous dragon whose hoard is never big enough.

As for hannibal? Having been raised in royalty he naturally grew accustomed to lavish living and views it as his normal. He feels most comfortable having gourmet meals regularly, his day clearly planned out with plenty of activities to do, and generally a life full of savoring the finer things and enjoying many of the pleasures of noble life. Unlike patrick who's idea of lavish is hoarding expensive things he doesn't need and parading them around to inflate his ego, hannibal's idea of lavish living is playing piano, watching Shakespeare plays, reading classical literature, admiring fine art both old and new. He has no need for parading around his wealth because it doesnt matter to him.

You see what I mean? Bateman views wealth as a tool to gain status and be part of a community. Hannibal does not really perceive wealth since it has always been a part of his life, he doesnt want more wealth since riches alone dont give him pleasure. To hannibal wealth is simply the norm and something he pays no mind to, whereas patrick is utterly and completely addicted to it.

I feel like I've rambled long enough and pinned down their primary differences. I honestly had a lot of fun writing this! I find both characters incredibly fascinating and I thoroughly enjoyed dissecting them both side by side. I hope you all liked it too of course.

Also, good news! I'm finally starting my week long vacation from work so I'll have a lot more free time to post. So look forward to more activity from me in the future :)

[caiome]

✦﹒⟡﹒＞＜﹒‹𝟹﹒♡﹒ᐢ..ᐢ cute lil affirmations f2u !!

i cant believe i got signed into dior as a model, im so excited to do runway! i have such a big wardrobe bro, its a walk-in closet and i have basically every style of clothing and im very thankful for it im so happy that i live in a mansion, my room is so big and i can literally fit everything in here i cant believe i have my desired face, its so insane how fast those subliminals worked for me manifesting is so so so so so easy for me, i literally got everything i manifested for yesterday everytime i listen to that blonde hair subliminal, my hair gets lighter. this is a miracle. im literally the it girl at school, all my grades are perfect and everyone is so jealous of me i literally have so much makeup, like i can literally try any style of makeup cus i have so much. i have the perfect life, dont you think? like everyone loves me and wants to be me. my hair is incredibly lucious. i love my blonde hair. my hair is so soft and silky, its literally the same as newjeans members' hair but blonde. i am proud to be blonde. i love my blonde hair. my skin is SO clear like omg. me and sp are literally together and everyone thinks we're perfect for eachother. im always with sp and we're always hanging out. everyone is jealous of me and sp's relationship. my skin is perfect and i never break out. my results always come so quickly. im only (age) and dior already scouted me, like they keep bringing me back for their shows! i was on vogue so many times already, but they keep asking me to come back because im so pretty and perfect! i get full and permanent results everytime i listen to my playlist.

✿﹒◎﹒☓﹒☆﹔リ﹒˃̵ᴗ˂̵﹒✶﹑

[tactidoll]

i tagged the post abt laptop temps n such with the temps my laptop has hit and honestly i just want a reason to bitch abt it so im gonna put it under a readmore 

i cannot put into fucking words how much of ordeal this piece of shit has been for me and im honestly so exhausted, its a razer blade advanced 15″ 2018 edition for reference it cost me 1600 quid and i got it late very early 2020 on sale working my ass off to buy it and honestly its the biggest regret of my fucking life, the sale is an important part cus turns out i couldnt fucking rma it, ive taken it to multiple specialists and its just fucked theres something abt the cooling and the processor and its just unfixable, i wish i backed up the picture of the temp monitoring hitting 105 cpu and 110 gpu to show people before it got factory reset cus itd be funny if it wasnt like actively destroying my mental health, im like actually terrified of it hitting summer again n it getting worse tho itll probably blow up before then anyway since its actively getting worse

its got a fucking 2070 and it can barely run fucking anything its frankly incredible ill do everything in every ini i can, use demaster mods n run on lowest possible settings, the few things that do run im lucky to get an hour n a half of gametime before it crashes or bluescreens and at most i get 15fps which honestly makes me feel genuinely physically sick

i cant fucking pursue any of my desires or dreams, 3d modelling software sets it on fire, it cant even run games let alone record or stream so going back to try youtube again is outta the question, it gets to hot to comfortably type so i cant do rulebooks or write fiction i just dont know what to do anymore i dont have the work opportunities i did when i bought i can barely afford food and ive had to completely abandon the hope to medically transition or treat chronic pain n fatigue so i cant even fucking replace it its just a slow eventual decline until its just dies

[kick-rem]

im aware im stunningly gorgeous i dont rlly gaf anymore i dont want to be admired and worshipped i want to be loved softly warmly and intimately. i want a guy who just loves me and doesn’t drool when he sees me or b***. don’t actually know if i want my ex back but he keeps texting me and im not sure how to feeell…. because hes like genuinely done such horrible things to me but i cant shake that feeling i got when i made eye contact with him. maybe hes ted bundy idk im not immune to the manipulations of men icl. my desire for men is a placeholder. a man is not what i want, desire is what i want, i want to feel that feeling of desire, that pulse, that pause in time, so that time goes by faster until i dont need them anymore. however i do like to fuck and i dont care about the perception of it. sexual desire is different, more fleeting. id fuck alot of guys. i like gay guys i guess, a lot less judgemental when it comes to the dick. not that there’s anything to judge, its the rest of me thats an issue sometimes. id pretty much get with most of the guys im friends with that are like old enough for me. my friend brought me out with their friend and her friend. the first friend im aesthetically obsessed with. shes kinda just perfect, shes very stylish, very intelligent and shes autistic too so like i wanna get close to her so i can see what i relate to her with. also shes in art and im going into art too so maybe we cld help eachother. my friend told me “shes bringing her friend and hes like such a you person” they was right asl. i kinda have a crush on him but prob wont see him again. he has such a cute face, above his lip is red from his nose dripping and the cold. he liked my jumper and he smokes too. im aesthetically obsessed also with my friend whos a living monster high doll. i used to be fixated on them when they first came out but stopped a couple years after from judgement i guess. i live vicariously through her stories. i dont really know about this friend group, do they like me, some of them sure but i feel like theres a hive mind lurking in them ready to go against me but maybe im paro. im the oldest now. the next oldest likes me and seems to not care enough to have any negative feelings. the next oldest ive been close with for a while so should be fine. next one is deathly afraid of being seen with me by the main opp but its fair enough considering his history(the opp). seems to be warming up to me again tho which is nice but a weird deja vu feeling. dont know where this one fits in age wise tbh but he’s interesting. autistic as hell and i can see it in his communication which is both good and difficult sometimes. feel bad for him sometimes cus hes kinda the runt of the group metaphorically but also hes a little iffy towards me sometimes so ill keep an eye. next one is a sassy lil f word and hes fine. its nice to be in a local friend group again, the distances are easy. i cant sleep

[shoezuki]

this is dumb but like. You identifying as both aboriginal and white helped me feel so much more comfortable doing the same?

In hindsight, it was white guilt that made me feel like I had to Choose One, but you've done some analysis posts and stuff where you discuss briefly having both experiences, and how it can coexist, and that's not an idea I've seen in any indigenous spaces I've been in.

So, however weird or dumb it is, thank you for helping me understand myself better

ITS NOT DUMB AT ALL ANON LIKE. I FEEL U SO FUCKIN HARD. Like saying im White And Aboriginal seems jus. Like its BLATANT. its Saying im mixed n that i am both white and aboriginal. That seems like a Given

But it like. Its so fucking hard actually. And its something i have struggled w my Whole Life n will no doubt still struggle w sometimes. Like as a kid i was SO adamant on rejecting my aboriginal history n insisting im 'practically white' because w the shit i had been going through and my racist shitty dad in my life at that time like. I was so distanced from my own culture and reminders of it made me feel ashamed. I remember i had an elementary schopl aboriginal counselor who was always insistent on giving me Aboriginal Student Awards every year despite me rejecting her desires to have me included in any activities. N getting those awards felt bad. I didnt deserve it or want it.

But like. Then i kinda shifted once my dad was out of the picture n i qas safe to explore myself. So i looked into my family history amd how my current familial behaviours varied from conventionally white households. Honestly i owe a Lot of it to my stepdad hes a big bulky aboriginal dude n thru knowing Him more i wanted to Connect both w him and myself more.

But like. Theres that feeling of 'im taking advantage of my aboriginal ancestry to seem Woke or like a poc when i dont deserve it'. Like that feeling that by virtue of talking a my experiences n ethnicity i was somehow talking over 'real' aboriginal people. Cuz i look white n Am white n grew up in. Well a kinda fuckedup situation w little of my culture. But like. There was a REASON for that. My family didnt knoe they were aboriginal until like. Two generations ago. Cuz my aboriginal ancestors n family went into hiding due to taking part in rebellions and being labeled as 'traitors'

But all in all like. Ive kinda jus. Found some middle grounds. Cuz a lot when it comes to beig mixed aboriginal theres always some obssession with what 'percentage' you are (which i fucking hate) so theres always like. If your below This percentage ur white but if ur Above ur aboriginal. N regardless of where i been whether white or aboriginal spaces. Like when i did get into indigenous groups it was very 'no matter what you are aboriginal' which is TRUE. but same with the white part

Now its like. Ive come to terms w the fact i cant say im either or. To lean in either direction would be disingenuous to either side of my family and my own experiences. Its r hard cus being mixed is hard and this constant feeling of needing to 'choose' or Prove myself as such. Or that im 'too privileged' to be aboriginal or some sick opposite. Both my white and my aboriginal sides shaped me Now n who i am Now n how my family got here. I cant seperate either a them from the othet

[eijispumpkin]

I like rereading your stuff cus it's like "i hope to get to this point of writing or at least have this person say 'good job' if they were to ever come across something I write" and it's a very comforting feeling tbh.

Also, there is this one particular fic that i cant remember the name of (I looked it up it's "in the gloaming light") where its ash and eiji sitting in a tub together with a purple glittery bath bomb and theyre talking about their level of comfort (my way of saying sex bc Idk im dumb when it comes to describing intimacy) and then a while later it goes to eiji talking about how he was sexually assaulted and how he felt like he hasnt been through enough to talk about it and he feels as if his trauma wasnt as bad as ash's and it made me feel comforted because i have that feeling constantly. I also really like that you had eiji be trans. I have struggled with my gender for a while, being like "do i count if i havent struggled as badly as others? I like they/them and he/him pronouns but not she/her so do i identify as a guy? But i dont want to transition and go through more surgeries so does that make me fake or selfish? Do i count as trans if i just use they/them and I still like to wear feminine clothing sometimes?" So having eiji be trans is like "oh! I havent seen this before! I really like it!"

Aaahhh, i didnt mean to barf all over your ask box, i just like your writing. I also need to start the paper boats series, but have been so busy with school that i haven't been able to have a lot of time to my self except at night when im struggling to sleep.

Have a good night! Sorry again for my unnecessary rambling

~Oof-that-really-sucks-bro

ahhh omg... this is so soft and so sweet of you, i am SO happy i can provide you that sense of comfort in all these different ways <3

i also often struggle with feeling like my trauma wasn’t Bad Enough™ to still be traumatizing or to still give me difficulty. i also know several friends with trauma who feel the same way. i guess what this tells us is that feeling like it wasn’t Bad Enough is a characteristic of trauma, which in a way means that if you’re not convinced it was bad enough, it probably Was Pretty Bad. i don’t know if this thought is that comforting to you, but it personally helps me rationalize this particular worry!

as for The Genders, i hear you!!! firstly no amount of struggle is a necessary amount of the trans experience, and you can be any gender you want, with or without surgery or the desire for surgery! plenty of trans guys don’t want any surgery either. and boys who wear feminine clothes are still boys, so you’re totally valid to like them sometimes; clothing has no bearing on your gender <3 i personally don’t feel any strong gender feelings at all (i.e. i lean pretty agender most of the time) but i enjoy floral prints and cute dresses on occasion. u can wear whatever u want and trans ur gender as much as u want at the same time!

also i will make u chamomile tea before bed so u can sleep soundly, take your time and take care of yourself dear <3 none of the fics are going anywhere, it’s alright!!! ♥ 

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[cyl2-moved]

alright so i didn’t really agree with what tier lists were saying about certain fgo servants so i made my own one ! you’re welcome to disagree, of course, but this is what i think should make up the fgo five star tier list

S: makes any team better, 100% desirable, meta breaking

A: well built and capable of carrying a team

B: good team addition and plays well/good for one specific purpose

C: ok tier, they’re just fine tbh, deservant of 5 star status but on thin ice

D: straight up should’ve been a 4 star

EX: servants that i’ve heard of only in legend

*note: this is for the na server as of january 2019, i could honestly give less of a shit about jp

**note: berserkers gain a bit of fluidity because their one purpose is to kill and any zerk that can do that is good (< that’s all zerks btw)

***note: all 5 stars are worth levelling up, they’re all really good. don’t burn them please

****note: i don’t claim to know everything about fgo, this list isn’t the gospel

S TIER:

MERLIN (caster): ok y’all saw this one coming but basically merlin is fucking amazing. he can really fit on any team set up he wants to and he’s a prime example of what a good caster should be. i don’t think i need to explain this entry. moving on.

JEANNE D’ARC ALTER (avenger): jalter is probably the best buster based servant you can summon in the na server right now and was a complete powerhouse until merlin showed up. if you want a reliable servant that can do just about anything without fail i suggest her if you ever get lucky enough to summon her

FIRST HASSAN (assassin): normally gramps isn’t listed with these two, but if you’ve ever used him chances are you can atleast somewhat see where i’m coming from here. this man is a BEAST, his singularity track record should be proof of that (y’know, because he stole the show in a whole ass two of them). he can’t fit into any team like the first two but he can destroy like nobody’s fucking business. summon him if you get the chance

A TIER:

MIYAMOTO MUSASHI (saber): musashi is a saber focused in single target buster damage, and her skills and np allow her to go above with this focus. at the moment i’d say she’s probably the best saber available because her np, skills, and deck match so well. \

NERO BRIDE (saber): i forgot her and i’m only just now adding her in so whoops but basically she’s one of the only arts sabers that’s actually good and has a good and spammable np.

GILGAMESH (archer): he’s an anti army buster focus who has a noble phantasm that only six servants in the game so far aren’t weak to. he’s kind of a lancer pincushion but just don’t send him out into battles with lancers. there you go.

ISHTAR (archer): ishtar doesn’t have the same np effect as gil but other than that she’s a fairly good replacement for him, not to mention she has a slightly higher hp value than him

BRYNHILDR (lancer): brynhildr would probably be lower on this list if it weren’t for her sparse availability and trait that affects most male and some female servants in the game. she’s probably the best lancer in the game because of those two reasons, but all lancers are safe bets tbh

OZYMANDIAS (rider): ozymandias is amazing at spamming buster cards and has a particularly great np, great for boss battles. also he’s hot

QUETZALCOATL (rider): basically the same as ozy here except with a more specifically buster deck. also she’s hot

ZHUGE LIANG (caster): a lot of people categorize him with merlin and to those people i have to ask: have you ever played this game? waver comes close, but don’t act like people didn’t throw him to the side the exact moment merlin came out. open your eyes you absolute fools

XUANZANG SANZANG (caster): this one has a twinge of personal bias but seeing as she’s a caster but has the highest atk of all of my servants atm. also she’s hot, but she’s one of the only casters in the game right now that’s somewhat buster based and can make a buster brave chain which her np (which is kinda rare for casters). she can fit into really any team composition without too much issue and has a rather high survivability rate

JACK THE RIPPER (assassin): contrary to brynhildr, jack got higher on this list almost specifically because of her availability. she’s a really good assassin that’s rather easy to get (well, considering she’s a five star). the one bane i can think of is that she’s not very team compatible, but she’ll do just fine regardless. get her going with quick chains and she will absolutely obliterate

CU CHULAINN ALTER (berserker): just wanna start out by saying he’s still one of the most powerful berserkers in the jp server. AND he’s easily available. do i really fucking have to say anything else? (protection from arrows lol)

MINAMOTO NO RAIKOU (berserker): mom’s deck is set up a bit differently from other berserkers’, having more arts and quick card than most of them. does that stop her from utterly obliterating everything in her path? nope, not at all, in fact, it only helps. her quick and arts card charge her buster np, which is a wave clear that RAINS crit stars, that only help her kill more later. conclusion: she’s an absolute goddess

JEANNE D’ARC (ruler): jeanne d’arc only really made it to this part of the list because you can get her really easily and she’s absolutely amazing on arts stall teams. as well and good as this is, though, she only really reaches her good points in her final ascension and is kind of hard to use before this. i wouldn’t suggest using her if you’re a starter player, heads up

B TIER:

OKITA SOUJI (saber): okita was placed lower on this list than i’d like her to be but because of her quick based status i kinda had to. there’s going to be a lot of this going on especially later in the list, but quick servants don’t see the light of day until skadi comes around, which is going to be mid 2020 for us na players unless fgo gets destroyed before then. the only servant that really got away with the quick niche was jack because she’s self sustaining if she needs to be, but okita’s deck doesn’t really let her do that. despite this, okita’s still amazing, and i highly suggest rolling for her

ARTORIA ARCHER (archer): summer artoria serves as an amazing arts archer that does wonders with her single target arts np that brings up her np gauge up almost immediately after it’s done, meaning you can spam her np whenever. she’s pretty great for arts team and not very versatile elsewhere, but you’re in for a treat when you use her

SCATHACH (lancer): OF COURSE scathach was going to be fairly high on this list, she’s one of the best lancers to date. her quick deck brought her down a bit here, but she’s a reliable servant that can fit into any team composition with little issue and has a powerful np. what else could you want

ARTORIA LANCER (lancer): honestly lartoria is high on the list for flexing and little else, but she serves as a powerful buster servant that has a pretty good wave clear np. the rest of the reason she’s up here is personal bias and i’m not scared to admit that, also she’s on a horse

TAMAMO LANCER (lancer): lanmamo is a kinda surprising servant tbh, she doubles in buster and quick and does amazing in both and has an especially high hp stat, something i wouldn’t expect from a quick/buster decked servant. honestly, you really can’t go wrong with summer servants tbh, they’re all really good

QUEEN MEDB (rider): i’m SICK of people shitting on medb. she’s fucking great. she’s a buster main that’s a crit star sponge and has a fairly good single target np. bring her into a caster boss battle and she will fuck the life out of the opponent, i guarantee it

TAMAMO NO MAE (caster): mikon is an amazing caster who sadly doesn’t really hold up to those in the higher tiers, but has skills that work great for any team and is practically the god of any arts stall team you ever might think of making. also she’s hot

LEONARDO DA VINCI (caster): da vinci doesn’t really hold up to tamamo, but i still think she deserves a spot in this tier. she has a pretty varied deck that can fit in with really any team and has a pretty powerful wave clear np. she’s a great caster, no doubt, but in a point in time when this game is practically dominated by merlin, she really doesn’t hold up as much as the others

CLEOPATRA (assassin): cleo is an exceptionally good buster based assassin with an anti army np which is really effective. she makes for a fairly good farming servant and can hold out for a while in boss battles as well

SAKATA KINTOKI (berserker): sakata has gotten strangely a bad rep from the fandom but is overhyped by the game, which is weird to me, but whatever. he’s probably the most powerful berserker atk wise, but can only really survive for three turns before dying no matter what you do. as far as servants go, he’s not as good as the game hypes him up to be and he’s not as bad as the fanbase makes him out to be.

AMAKUSA SHIROU (ruler): amakusa really only got up here because he’s one of the only four extra class five stars in the game right now, and as a servant he’s okay. he’d be a lot worse if he were a normal unit that had a class disadvantage that was common, but since he’s practically untouchable as a ruler he gets a spot up here

C TIER:

ARTORIA (saber): artoria has a rather bad reputation among tier lists because of her basic deck, basic np, shit skills … but her blandness only makes her increasingly compatible with other team setups. you can really stick her anywhere and she’ll do fine, and if she’s set up right she can become a really good servant. y’all are just lazy and mean

MORDRED (saber): mordred got kind of the same treatment as her dad but with more buster and slightly better skills, so if this tier list had a lot more specific tiers mordred would probably be above her. however, this isn’t, i’m too lazy for that. mordred is really just a slightly more atk based artoria

ARJUNA (archer): arjuna’s good, no doubt, but his competition out of the five star archer pool is hard to match up with. he’s definitely the best archer in the story mode gacha, but as an arts archer that can’t spam his np as artoria archer, he’s a bit dead in the water

ORION (archer): orion has the same problems as arjuna but with an added fuck you because of that extra quick card. if you have her i hope you have fun beating the absolute shit out of gawain

KARNA (lancer): karna’s an amazing buster servant, but the lancer pool is just really fucking good. he excels in buster but got that quick fuck you just like orion. i don’t really have much to say tbh, he’s good

ENKIDU (lancer): enkidu excels in quicks and didn’t pussy out like orion and karna, and if this were the non-merlin era he’d be higher on this list. sadly, since arts is dominating, he’ll have to wait a bit, but soon ...

FRANCIS DRAKE (rider): i really like francis, i do, but compared to the other riders she’s really just a farming servant. she can be a good main rider if you really want her to be but her np is almost made for farming. her np is the exact example of a farming np. next

ILLYA VON EINZBERN (caster): news flash but she’s not really as good as everyone hyped her up to be. she has a bit of a confusing deck (why does she have one buster card but a buster np!?!) and no clear niche so like … is her fame only because of that anime she’s in or what. chloe’s better

SHUTEN DOUJI (assassin): shuten has an arts based deck that doesn’t really fit her as an assassin and doesn’t have a very powerful np but otherwise is a good and reliable servant. She can just about survive anything and has been the cause of many of my clutches. thanks shuten

VLAD III (berserker): vlad excels in arts teams and is an amazing arts unit, but he would’ve shined if he was released later. because he was the first five star berserker released and non limited (unlike sakata) he defied a standard for berserkers before berserker standards were even set, and it didn’t come out well

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE (berserker): florence honestly would’ve been better if she wasn’t released at the same time as cu alter, who’s a goddamn beast, and if her concept wasn’t so mismatched. her deck and skillset is kinda weirdly put together and doesn’t flow as well as raikou’s. she’s wasted potential, really.

D TIER:

ALTERA (saber): honestly i think people hype up altera too much, she’s good but could easily be replaced by a four star imo. at her best she’s just an artoria remake sorry

NIKOLA TESLA (archer): his deck and skill set and np are fine? he just really doesn’t have a proper use. he fits into any team but in a way in which that team has to kinda carry him and he’s ugly. that’s all

MYSTERIOUS HEROINE X (assassin): mhx is a good assassin, especially since there are only a few you can really choose from, but she’s more of a trophy than anything. it’s cool to have her, and again, she’s fine, but she doesn’t really match up to the other assassins in the game, especially jack, who’s more easily accessible and self sufficient. also it doesn’t make sense why she’s an assassin if she’s a saber killer (just be an archer!!!!) but w/e

EDMOND DANTES (avenger): let me explain first. please. ok, so edmond is good by most standards, especially because he’s an extra class which means he’s basically untouchable by most everyone except for bb when she rears her ugly head in may. but what sucks about him is that he was released as sort of a avengers test before jalter? idk how to really explain it, but he’s significantly worse than jalter because they wanted to see how an avenger would hold up. not only does he not hold up to the only servant in his class by a long shot, he has the quick curse and looks exactly the fuck like komaeda. he really took that l

EX TIER:

RYOUJI SHIKI (saber): fgo seems to really like her but the fanbase seems to think she;s ok at best but i’ve never seen her ever in supports in my nine months of playing this game. does she even really exist? idk. her character desc says you’re likely to never see her and i’m starting to think that’s true

ISKANDER (rider): alright i KNOW you exist and everyone loves you but i’ve never seen you either. what the ufck. where are you

anyways that’s it this took way longer than it should’ve i’m going to bed

[plentysleep]

i have a lot of thoughts on this kinda stuff so im just gonna spew a bit of word vomit.. i really doubt anyones gonna see this but if u do and disagree w me on anything or have any criticisms i would honestly love to hear it! or even just thoughts in general everything is welcome

porn overall is like a super interesting topic bc there is so much nuance to it. if we are talking specifically about violent porn then there are a whole load of issues. fe it often teaches women and young girls to expect and tolerate the rougher treatment that is so often seen in porn which then can lead to the same people being more accepting of abuse/abusive relationships because they are either desensitised to it or see it as a desirable situation to be in. for men too, it can often lead to increased acts of violence both in and out of a sexual context.

ALSO if we are discussing porn in more general terms there are also lots of issues of body image/expectations of sex. this is especially prevalent in younger people and teenagers who watch porn and see how all these actors look whether it be size or presentation or wtv and then places those same standards on themselves as well as others. and then when they cant reach those same standards they have much lower self esteems.

PLUS the porn industry itself is a whole different tin of worms. it opens up SO many avenues for exploitation, abuse and manipulation, specifically of young (women) people who are often in very vulnerable situations. and due to long standing stigmas, despite the short lifespan of these kinds of jobs, the after affects are extremely long lasting. whether it be trauma from extreme or negative situations when working within the industry, use of revenge porn against people or stigmas surrounding this kind of work, they all follow people throughout life.

i wont get into other issues such as fetishisation because i personally am not rly a huge victim of it myself (black women, east asian women, lesbians etc.. are, from what i have seen, the most common victims of fetishisation) so i dont feel qualified enough to go into a great depth however it must be noted that this is a very real and dangerous thing that leads to assault and abuse as well as the disgustingly frequent objectification of the people who identify as such.

because of these issues (and a load of others im sure i forgot or are just unaware of) porn has a very bad affect on a large population of people but i also would like to push a more sex positive perspective. ideas like porn addiction or the "nofap" movement often hijack the issues within porn as a whole to promote abstinence or ward against masturbation. im not rly bothered abt abstinence or nofap cus i mean do what u wanna do and i get that there are a lot of religious connotations to celibacy but i think that misinformation or purposefully keeping people uneducated on topics such as masturbation or sexuality or desire etc can be extremely damaging. people have sex and people often want sex. thats totally okay. sex is a fun thing that can be intimate or casual. its great!! i really dont think that we should be so frequently shaming the people who watch porn or have sex. instead we should push to have better sex education schemes, support sex workers and have an overall more positive and accepting attitude towards both masturbation and sex.

i do think some people have some sort of porn brainrot. i dont know how else to describe it. like i think watching violent porn (usually featuring violence against women) from pre-teen up is gonna mess with the chemistry of your brain and denying that it’s shaped your views on sex is a straight up lie. or at the very least some sort of heavy delusion. 

[melodiark]

i did it nyan i wrote a message to my old friend about a little bit of whats been on my mind idk how its gonna go over and this isnt something ive been meaning to do for a long time or whatever it was just a decision made in the moment but either way i think it was a good decision because whatever she thinks its at least me getting a little bit of stuff off my chest and hopefully out of my head because its been so noisy lately it always gets bad in the summer and august especially but yea ive been so obsessed about the same issues for so long now and i havent had & still dont have any idea of how to stop and let go of it it haunts me every day every night like a phantom thats constantly present and i feel guilty and bad and split in half all the time i want to be happy in my life not just okay like its not that im complaining because im not it couldve been so much worse and im still kind to myself at least way more than i used to be but theres still a desire to be happy instead of just settled with being fine with what i have which i am, genuinely its just that i cant remember the last time ive been honestly totally happy i wouldnt call myself depressed and maybe its just because ive always been a very settled and calm+withdrawn person instead of excitable and bubbly or whatever but sometimes i think about life and im just like am i really gonna be this way my whole life just fine and not happy ending every day going to bed thinking i didnt make the most of it at all in any sense and waking up feeling so dead inside even if i had a good day or if theres lots that i could go out and do that would be awesome when am i gonna stop having “im fine” or just weird silence for an answer because thats as good as it gets when someone asks me how i am instead of saying im actually good i guess fucking everyones like that lol plus we all have our ups and downs but you know plus i know that the only one who can fix my life is me myself it just takes effort and we all know that while you could easily do something if you wanted to sometimes youre just prone to staying in the state youre in because youve been in it for so long and its not like youre dying and the new stuff is kinda scary even if its simple so why bother whatever there is to say about it i just know that i dont want to keep on living a life where im still stuck in the same fears and with the same desperation and sickness in my head and my heart because i cant be like that forever i cant keep having the same dreams and i cant keep waking up to a different reality and have an oh moment every morning because it wasnt real i cant keep feeling like im on the outside i have lots of great things in my life that i appreciate and love genuinely and am so grateful for and im not unhappy with my life its just that i need to be able to get rid of this this pain that i think “oh well it doesnt bother me anymore because it doesnt hurt like when it broke my heart all those years ago and it doesnt make me cry and want to hurt myself every day or cripple me like it used to” because it still does all those things just not as hard just because im so used to my thoughts and issues doesnt mean that they dont hurt still just cus i dont feel it the same i have to accept myself because even if im way kinder thats something i havent done yet and i have to dig into what hurts so i can fucking fix it and honestly move on already without it always gnawing at the back of my head every single moment both waking and asleep because theres other and new+current things that can make me happy if i just let it if i can allow myself to take space and accept that people really can like me for me and enjoy my company and not think im in the way or a waste or annoying or that theyre just putting up with me or whatever the fuck

bruh

[baconpal]

What didn't you like 'bout mario

oh boy time for me to type a lot of words about video games!! click here for large rants

so every since they revealed the game, mario looked kinda wrong with how he moved, like the game was being played sped up, and having played it, can confirm mario is INSANELY snappy and heavy, and it doesn’t feel good to me, sunshine and galaxy had good weight and believably in how mario moved, but odyssey is just 0 to 100. Its something you can eventually get used to but it caused more problems than it should have.

The actual button layout stuff is also a bit weird, specifically dive and quick-swim being performed by attacking during a ground pound, as opposed to having their own buttons like sunshine and galaxy. It makes them feel stilted and adds the ability to fuck up executing a simple movement option and getting yourself killed. The reason this bugs me is that X and Y do the same thing as well as B and A doing the same thing, so why not just make one of the double buttons do the other moves? 

The hat, the one thing i actually was genuinely hyped for, does everything they promised, it is in fact FUN to throw the hat and bounce on it and do stuff like that and to use the joycons to throw the hat in different directions, even though you cant really get much use out of throwing it up and down. 

But the CAPTURE mechanic is awful, about 4 of the captures are good and cool and nice, and the other 46 are actually pointless, they are all limited in what they can do, and it just makes me wish i was playing as Mario with all the moves and abilities he has naturally.  I dont want to stop having 100 ways to jump so i can become a frog who jumps higher and moves at 1 mile an hour. I dont want to stand under things and stretch my big onion legs for the 20th time in a row. I’d rather the few good captures just be level mechanics, such as mario physically riding a bullet bill, or getting a powerup that allows him to fling himself off walls like the bird does, or letting mario grab those cool flingy things in new donk with his own hands 

SPEAKING of, no power ups, which is horribly disappointing after how PERFECTLY implemented they were in 3D Land. There’s no mushrooms of any kind in the game, and no enemy koopas outside of hammer bros and dry bones, just a lot of staple things missing, which isn’t to say a mario game needs them to be good, but theres a lot of things that felt like it’d have been better if they WERE there. Like why are there hearts and “1 up hearts” instead of shrooms and 1-ups to increase health. Why does the bowser kingdom not have koopa citizens if he’s KING KOOPA? 

The game looks very bad in most kingdoms, there’s no consistency in art style, there’s a world that is a generic mario beach level, followed by a hyper contrast color world with untextured low poly models copy-pasted on angular cliffsides. No area in the game is visually pleasing outside of New Donk, Bowsers Kingdom, and I guess the Cap Kingdom could have been good if it wasn’t 2 feet long. 

Broodals are a terrible decision, all of the bosses are really boring and unfun in this game but the broodals take the cake. Their designs are bad and you fight them so many times, especially in post game content. They could have just been the koopalings again and i wouldn’t have minded a bit. 

The story is nothing, the story in EVERY single kingdom is unimportant because you can technically skip it by collecting optional moons and fighting none of the bosses, so there’s never any meaningful conflicts, and the ending is like??? Peach is just kinda vaguely upset at bowser, but also isn’t happy with mario, and then they all sort of make up and everyone goes home together? What did they MEAN by this

The music is INCREDIBLY lack luster, especially for mario standards, I cant remember any of the songs off the top of my head other than Wooded Kingdoms theme cus it sounds like a God Hand track. 

The post-game is offensively lazy. The 64 kingdom was cute but Dark and Darker Sides of the moon are 100% asset recycling and nothing actually enjoyable. 

i just don’t care about moons. There’s too many, they’ve lost any impact. I no longer want to collect them all. I grinded coins and cowered to get enough moons to get all the outfits so i could see everything the game had to offer, and IMMEDIATELY i just stopped having any desire to play the game. I will never want to 100% the game, and i find it hard to believe there’s anything even comparable to galaxies 100% rewards.

Lastly where the FUCK is luigi what the fuck. And I mean that genuinely, with how this game controls, i feel like luigi would actually be super tight, his slipperiness would translate to more believable traction, and his higher jumps would offset the ridiculous gravity. If they make a DLC that allows a luigi playthrough I’d likely have to rate this game higher.

So uh... that’s it, just sort of DUMPED thoughts on that one, but yeah, that’s pretty much everything I have to say. If you enjoyed the game, awesome! I hope everyone is able to enjoy stuff, im just really disappointed in my boy mario right now.

[rapturedtoxicity]

Me: yo Me: wassup Friend: nm just bout to watch the mayweather fight Me: right Me: mcgregor or mayweather Me: ? Me: disclaimer i dont know shit abt any of that Friend: boxing match Friend: jst watching it since it will be a thing that lots of people talk about Me: fair enough Me: i am Me: extremely drunk rn Me: have been for the last 6 days Friend: lol Friend: welcome to how many people spend their early 20s Me: cheers Me: it helps deal with the pain tbh Me: dude Me: weird question maybe but Me: have you ever self harmed Friend: no but its not something that works with me Me: fair enough Me: i've been trying it Me: it kinda helps Me: for me Friend: ive done it but not directly Friend: just training slamming my fist and knees into a wall Friend: until i just ran out of energy Me: i getcha Friend: but it didnt do anything Friend: but those times i just wanted to feel anything that wasnt what i felt ever yday Friend: even if it was physical pain Friend: it was nice to feel something else Me: yeh Me: kinda where i am atm Me: been making cuts into my arm Me: to distract from the heartache Me: it helps a lot Me: surprisingly much actually Me: dont mean to be depressing, rofl Me: dont intend to make it a permanent habit or anything but Me: fuck Me: it helps Me: god damn Friend: i get you Friend: but people do it for different reasons Friend: i just want to punish myself Friend: i found other ways to do that Me: kind of on that page atm Me: punishing/relief Me: feel like i deserve it in a way Friend: for me those were 2 different things, it was nice to feel something else but essentially it got me nowhere closer to a positive end goal Friend: or so i've rationalised what im doing now to be conducive Me: yeh Friend: im sure im wrong but Me: idk if im aiming for a positive end goal atm? just kinda Friend: im far too proud, i have to do it solo Me: doing it to relieve stress in the moment Me: you get me Me: ? Me: yeh i get you Friend: a little but Friend: when i did that stuff Friend: i couldnt do anything Me: i know it's fucking stupid and all that Friend: my brain just didnt think straight Me: and i know i aint thinkin straight Me: yeh Me: but Me: it does help. Me: for me, at least Me: redirects the fucking Me: immense emotional pain into Me: slight physical pain Me: distracts me in the moment Me: only real downside atm for me is how hard it is to hide it Friend: nah thats effort Friend: showing it is fine Friend: just make sure you have a solid convo ender to observers who question it Me: i agree personally but Me: my coworkers keep telling me to cover up and shit Me: like im not looking for attention Friend: cover up? Me: im just doing my own thing when i roll up my sleeves at work and shit Friend: do your cuts etc show? Me: yeh Friend: yeh thats stupid Friend: obviously Friend: use your leg or something Friend: fuck knows why im helpng you do this Me: hahhhahahhaha Me: i actually cracked up Me: lmfao Friend: but until you realise better Friend: me saying Friend: dont do it Friend: wont achieve shit Me: agreed Friend: but you need to know you're retarded for doing it Me: heard that a bit much lately Me: just makes me feel spite Me: yeh i know it's retarded Friend: you're smart enough to suffer until you have a better answer Me: aye Me: i get it Friend: you might hate me a little for saying it Me: just dont have a better answer atm Friend: but personally i think you shouldn't be shit sad Friend: this* Me: elaborate Friend: i know its all relative obviously Friend: but tons of people would kill to have the kind of breakup you had Friend: yeh things will be a little tough but you still have someone close (at least thats what we know for now) Friend: you need to thing of all the good things Friend: and think like Friend: ok magic lamb Friend: genie magic Friend: go Friend: change your situation Me: i am Me: i've started working on myself and shit Friend: lamp* Me: am meeting ppl pretty much every day and shit Me: going out more, doing new things Me: but when i get home the rest of it takes over Friend: but would you be doing that if you knew you had no chance with her? Me: id probably Me: take a few days to just fucking sulk to be honest Friend: i mean i understand how decisions are influenced to match your S/o Me: and then try and work on it Friend: but a "change" like that needs to be genuine or its all superficial Friend: and fragile Me: no yeah like Me: ive been thinking like Me: last couple days like Me: as much as i hate that this is happening Me: maybe it's a good thing in the big picture Me: because i'd become so fucking like Me: isolated Me: i was only really meeting her Me: and chilling with her Me: never really met or did anything with friends Me: so in a way it was a wake up call Me: made me realize that i had to water the crops so i could keep on reaping them Me: still have my eyes on the prized flower ofc Me: but it kinda made me realize that she isnt the only thing thats important to me Me: shes obviously really fucking important to me but it really kind of woke me up Me: like a splash of water to the face Me: like Me: "shit i fucking. i gotta get off my ass and meet friends and shit" Friend: yeh its true Me: made me understand how important all that shit is to me kind of Friend: as you get older, you need to always make an active effort Friend: to stay on top of friends Me: yeh Me: cause i was very reliant on her in a way Me: and as much as i want that to be a thing still Me: it made me understand that i can also rely on other people Me: i can also look to other people Me: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things thatMe: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things that Me: i originally didnt like to do with her Me: or like Me: "didnt like" Me: it made me realize i was just being a shitter in my own world Me: i actually enjoy a  lot of those things Friend: thats also a tricky thing tho Friend: like feeling that a bad aspect about you needs fixing Me: just didnt understand it cause i was so stuck in my loop Me: yeh sure maybe im just saying/doing that to make myself feel better unconsciously but at least its something right Me: a different perspective Me: like Me: i find myself Me: actually wanting to go on walks Me: i find myself actually wanting to do all this shit i thought i hated doing Me: i feel more awake in a sense Me: so while i still really want her back i think ive kind of found the light at the end of the tunnel in a way Me: a different light than i was originally searching for, maybe Me: but a light nonetheless Friend: i get you Friend: a little advice is try not to mention any "changes" you have Friend: personally its just better if a person realises your changes from seeing it first hand Friend: dont be that guy who promotes himself Me: yeh cause it'll maybe make her think im trying to change for her or something Friend: yeh Me: instead of actually changing Friend: dont advertise it ever Friend: just know what you're showing and how you're acting is a result of work and mentality Friend: if it shows it shows Friend: if it doesnt then who cares Friend: you do you for you Friend: it would just be good obv if the flower gets it without any assist Me: yeah Me: for sure Me: i think Me: if we end up hanging out again and shit Me: i'm pretty sure i'm still just gonna Me: want to ask her to go out for a walk and do shit and all that Me: because i feel that desire now Me: even if i'm making cuts on my arms and drinking like a maniac Me: like i still feel like im making progress Me: even if my current ways of coping with the pain are fucking retarded Me: and im very aware of that Me: i kinda feel like i can maybe learn from being a fucking moron for a little bit though Me: understand a bit better how that is, how the perspective switches you know Friend: yeh Me: notes to be had Me: dont advertise change Me: it gives the wrong impression Me: might make her think its superficial Me: uhhhHHh Me: stop being retarded at some point obviously Friend: tbh a big thing of being in your head too much Friend: is if you're not actually busy Friend: so try and do mre Friend: in the day Friend: tire yourself out Friend: budget your time bette Friend: r Friend: dont yolo days Me: i feel like being a moron and behaving irresponsibly for a bit is ok because this is the most painful shit ive gone through ever pretty much Friend: cus then you just think about shit you dont need to Friend: cus you've nothing better to do Me: yeh Me: plan shit Me: do things Me: make plans in advance etc etc Friend: that might help Me: i feel like Me: idk if im wrong abt this Me: but Me: i think it's okay to be a moron for a bit Friend: personally Friend: i mean it makes sense Me: obviously you're the fuckin logic sensei and all that Friend: but think of dota shitters who are like Friend: im 2k so i dont need to get dust Friend: cus at that point its ignorance after the fact Me: and, again: i'm actively referring to myself as a fuckin moron so i understand that this shit is just retarded Friend: like choosing the ignorance Friend: thats cool Me: but atm it feels like it's aight Friend: but like how i avoid saying sorry Friend: if you keep calling yourself a moron Friend: that word wont mean shit Me: it'll lose meaning yeh Friend: cus your brain will just go Me: i'll just say sth else lol Friend: ive called myself that for weeks Friend: /months Me: yeh Me: i get you Me: stops meaning anything Me: idk. maybe im just not ready to like Me: take the leap Friend: yeh see thats legit to accept Friend: things like that take some time Friend: some wisdom Me: yeah Friend: so you make the call when you think you're ready Friend: some people never are ready Friend: and need the push Friend: but give yourself a chance Friend: to figure it out yourself Me: i think i will know soon enough Friend: before you get pushed Me: yeah Me: i definitely needed the push Me: the breakup was a big push tbh Me: really shoved me in the deep of it Me: like i said Me: made me understand what i value and all that Friend: yeh thats something that sucks Friend: but its kinda nice to Friend: too* Me: yeh Me: bittersweet Friend: you def feel growth once you realise what you had Friend: after you loseit Friend: yeh Friend: you'll see things a little differently now Me: yeah Me: if things take off again with her Me: i'll understand better what i want and what she wants Me: the growth is a nice feeling despite all the shittiness Me: it's some what relieving i guess Me: to understand myself a little better Me: man my coworkers were constantly telling me to cover up the cuts today Me: felt kinda bad tbh Friend: it should Me: cause im not ashamed of them really Friend: you showing other people makes it their problem Friend: because you would rightfully say Friend: hey if you're a good person Friend: and you see someone in troble Friend: you'd help Friend: so you openly showing something wrong Friend: doesnt make it just a hraug problem Me: i guess that's true Friend: so its fine not to be ashamed Friend: but do it for the others around you Me: yeah Me: that's fair Me: i feel like its kind of important that Me: like Me: im not trying to show anything Me: does that make sense like Me: im not pulling up my sleeves as a cry for help im just trying to not get them dirty while i work Me: but i obviously understnad that people seeing that shit is gonna have some effect on them one way or another Me: im just kinda like Me: obviously its not as simple as saying "it's none of your business" but that's kind of how i feel anyways Me: cuz its not something that im trying to show Me: its not something i think people should worry about Me: because i dont worry about it Me: but maybe im just being ignorant Me: or sth Me: idk Friend: yeh you are Friend: just get some bandages and perma keep em on Friend: but again its just normal sadness that you're feeling its no different to a normal breakup, you should try for a week to not to cut or stuff Friend: cus its not a smart way to deal with sadness in general Friend: especially when its nowhere near as bad as just out right being rejected due to failure or anything else Me: thats true i guess Me: idk though. i feel like that argument just goes back to like Me: children in africa and all that shit Friend: yeh dw about that just think he this is how i feel in this situation Friend: so just try and understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling Friend: that'll help you tackle how you feel Friend: and in the future it will make sense Friend: you;ll see the same signs Friend: etc etc Me: yeah Me: i suppose Me: that is true. Me: dude im so drunk lmfao i was actually considering asking you if you wanted to see my cuts Me: lmfoashdjgk Me: complete retard over here Me: god damn Me: ugh Me: i think i need to sleep maybe Friend: lol well i understand why you'd say it Friend: it wont phase me Friend: but i wont condone it Me: nah Me: i get that Friend: yeh that's smart Me: im the same w that w other people Me: condoning is not good Me: but theres a difference between condoning and like Me: accepting Me: i guess? Friend: yeh Friend: but cutting is a last resort in my head Friend: so im surprised you jumped str8 there Friend: but again we're all diferent Friend: ff* Me: i Me: tried it at first Me: because i was kinda curious Me: wondered it if it'd do anything for me Me: cause i know some people that have done it and said it helped them cope Friend: yeh it def helps nodoubt Me: and i was curious cause i havent really found anything to cope Friend: but again Friend: in my head its a last resort Me: havent had any desire to play any games in the last week Me: which is my usual coping method Me: yeh Friend: i see Me: but we're all different Me: like you said Me: i gotta stop drinking Me: rofl Friend: hah Friend: ive heard that a trillion times Friend: its shameful Me: feels bad Me: feels kinda good Me: but it feels bad Friend: lol Friend: welcome to the drunk life Me: hahahha Me: yeh Me: im learning to drink through this actually Me: learning how to pace myself Friend: absinth was a tricky one for me Friend: hate the taste Me: never had it afaik Me: did my first tequila shot tonight Friend: you'll know when you taste it Friend: you cant taste anythign Me: shit was nasty Friend: but that Friend: you could lick a hobos ass Friend: and not taste anything Friend: but absinth Me: shit Me: is it as agressive as gin? Me: gin is fucking nasty Me: like eating the bark of an orange Friend: its like Friend: gin Friend: super saiyan steroids Friend: +10 Me: ugh Me: nvm then Friend: you gta try it Friend: if you do it Friend: have like a single shot Friend: as a first drink Me: how strong is it? Friend: so you can taste it and shit Me: yeh Friend: its the strongest there is i think Friend: like 60% Friend: something stupid Me: ohhh bitch Me: that is nasty Me: aight well Me: im gonna fucking Me: sleep Me: cheers for the chat dude Me: always a pleasure Friend: likewise Friend: nn dude

[fuckblizzardbearlover]

Its a great system just most ppl dont get. Its descriptive. Ppl dont act a certain way cus of their alignment they are an alignment cus they act a certain way.

Its like saying "large medium and small" are bad size descriptors because a small car is 12 feet long and a small cup is 5 inches long. But "what cup size do you want:small medium or large" is still ok because its adequate to what is being described.

The alignment system works proper when u decide how a character acts and figure out what that alignment is AFTER. And if there is any conflict then that should be resolved ( like if someone wants to be a paladin but decide their character acts a way we'd describe as chaotic good the dm should think of alternate rules, or sughest a cleric or fighter)

Its just a tool no different than how a 225 human, you dont know if they are tall and skinny, short and fat or med and muscled or fat. But weight isnt a useless stat its important for mechanics and even roleplay but its significance is based on other factors (like height and race)

For example someone who does a lot of good but only for their own money and they dont care about the good they do other than the prestige is neutral.. meanwhile someone who doesnt do anything worse than be mean can be very evil if they are mean to entertain themselves. Thats why you dont have paladins going around killing anyone whos evil. Thats a major reason for this problem. Ppl want it to be cut and dry and black and white so when they look at this setting they think everything should be so when in real life many ppl who might be friends or family whos actions are questionable but not illegal are EVIL because Evil isnt murdering ppl its putting your desires over other ppls rights. Likewise if you look at so much like the christian church we struggle with admitting that doing good doesnt make you good if you do it just for selfish reasons. We dont want to afmit that in real life ppl who donate to charity and act nice might not be good (and can even be evil)

But yea basically the original thing i said. It just seems bad cus everyone uses it to railroad their characters into flat static characters

Some of y'all: what?? Jester's chaotic neutral not chaotic good? D:

Me: damn people actually still give a shit about the dnd alignment system?

[shsl-dangan-kins]

(tw)can i have positivity? for a hajime who reallyjust wants to die and/or see himself covered in cuts & bruises cus he deserves it? i'm sorry for bothering

under the readmore

helloooo hajime -- first of all, if youre reading this, congratulations. youve survived that much longer. im proud of you!! and even if you dont agree, youre doing so well and just continuing to breathe is huge and i am endlessly grateful. 

but hoho i hear you want to die -- yeahhhh thats a shit feeling. been there, hajime. so?? youre not alone??? and countless others know how you feel (maybe not exactly since your situation is unique) and many are still here today!! some are not. stay strong, if not for yourself, then for them -- to show them that it can get better. 

because you know what?? it can, and it will. youre already trying so hard to keep things going, and from what it sounds like you tried not to self-harm!! if you didnt, i am so, so proud of you!! if you did hurt yourself, im still proud. you reached out for support, and that can feel impossible at times, so either way youve come a long way and should give yourself a pat on the back.

oohh i also have some resources for wanting to self-harm: 

★ here is a large masterlist that has sections for anger/restlessness, wanting to see blood★ here is another masterlist that also has a section on wanting to see blood

aaa i couldnt find any for bruising im sorry-

but maybe take some (skin-safe!! non-toxic doesnt necessarily mean skin-safe btw!!) acrylic paints and play around with purples and reds for the desired effect.

please use these instead; you do not deserve those cuts or bruises, period. i dont care what youve told yourself, what youve done, or what youve heard: you dont deserve any type of harm, at all, ever. do not say you do. i will bring blanket-fort materials and a strongly worded speech so we can (comfortably) have a talk. a very long talk. 

ooh maybe you disagreed with me just now -- sassy as ever. ‘kay, so heres the bottom line: you deserve the absolute best treatment from BOTH your friends/family and yourself. because you know what?? youre your own best friend, hajime, or your worst enemy. right now it sounds like the latter, so if you feel like talking down on yourself maybe try considering your negative thoughts that of a friend?? like, your friend is coming to you with all this and youre comforting them. what would you say?? 

youre an incredible person hajime, and you dont need a shiny medal to show for it. you have your own strengths, silly as they may seem. for one?? i dont know you outside of this request, but i surely found comfort in your ask. truly the shsl serenity. maybe ask your friends for other things they like about you?? or make a list!! you probably have beautiful eyes, or a bright smile, or a soothing voice. maybe you play an instrument, or a sport, or youre really good at puzzles. maybe you tell creative puns. just to name a few. make your own list tho. keep adding to it.

and if you ever want to talk more my main is @mintyyprince so hmu -- and if you feel youre about to act on urges, please call:

Crisis: (775) 784-8090.National Number: 1 (800) 273-8255 Online crisis chatroom: https://www.imalive.org/if you have swallowed a lot of pills or any other harmful substances call poison control: (800) 222-1222

stay safe hajime. im thinking of you.