#i usually end my vent with how i might fix it but idk

[notdingalingalingalingrita]

why am i becoming a catgirl now

[7ndipity]

Latibule

Namjoon x Reader

Summary: After someone close to you breaks your trust yet again, you go to your safe place, Joon.

Warnings: angst, swearing, implied toxic relationship/home life, not proofread

A/N: I wrote this like a month ago when I needed to vent, but I thought some of y'all might appreciate it, so I'll share it here. I almost feel like it could be the start of a series, but idk, lmk what you think?(Also, I tried to leave the 'they' in question vague, so it could be an ex, family, friend or whatever you prefer.)

Masterlist

Requests are open

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Joon being wide awake at three in the morning was far from out of the ordinary, he'd often said that he did some of his best work at night, having passed more than his fair share of sleepless nights writing.

You however, were usually long dead to the world at this hour, which is why when his phone screen lit up with your name, he was quick to answer.

"Hey y/n."

"Joon?" The shake in your voice instantly put made him sit up straighter, concerned.

"What happened?"

"Can... can I come over?" You asked.

"Of course." He said, without hesitation. "Are you okay? Do you need me to get you?"

"I'm fine." You said, but he knew that wasn't fully true, it was clear you'd been crying. "I just don't want to stay here tonight."

"Come over. Do you want me to set up our usuals?" He asked.

"Sure." You responded.

Over the course of your friendship, you two had developed a near ritual of whenever one of you was upset, you'd go over to the other's place to talk, usually over some sort of drinks.

You couldn't count how many nights you'd spent camped out on each other's sofas, or sometimes beds, ranting about everything from shitty ex's, family or work problems, or even just that one neighbor who never waved back at you. It didn't necessarily fix any of the issues, but it was comforting nonetheless to have someone who would lend a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on.

He could tell whatever happened must have been bad. Normally, when you called, you would already be giving him the rundown of whatever had happened, so your quietness on the other end of the phone was more than a little worrying.

You showed up not long after, your sweats and oversized hoodie making you seem even smaller to him than normally.

Skipping over any greeting, he immediately pulled you into a tight, protective hug.

"What happened?" He asked again, but you just shook your head.

"Not yet." You mumbled, trying to soak in his soothing warmth. It was remarkable how easily the simple gesture from him never failed to give you such a sense of comfort and safety.

Once you finally separated, he quickly got you situated on the couch with your drinks, waiting patiently for you to begin.

"They lied, again." You said, staring at the floor as you spoke. "I thought things were getting better. I thought we were getting past it, but they fucking lied, right to my face."

The grip on his glass tightened as he listened to you explain, his long simmering anger and frustration at your situation rising to a boil.

"Fuck 'em." He said suddenly.

You looked up at him in surprise.

"I mean it," he said seriously. "You've put up with this shit for long enough. If they can't even have the basic decency to be honest with you, after everything that's happened, then fuck 'em. You deserve so much better than that, than them."

Caught off guard by the intensity of his words, you were hit with a sudden wave of emotion, trying desperately to blink back tears but failing.

"Shit, I'm sorry! Please don't cry." He apologized, frantically scrambling over to pull you into another hug.

"Why are you always so nice to me?" You sniffled.

He looked at you for a moment, unsure of how to answer other than the simple truth. "Because it's what you deserve."

You sat together for a while until your tears ceased and he noticed you drooping on his shoulder and suggested going to bed, waiting till he felt your breaths even out next to him before drifting off as well.

You woke in the morning to the loud clang of cookware and quiet curses.

"Joon?" You called groggily, finding him milling about the kitchen, looking slightly frazzled.

"Sorry babe, did I wake you?" He asked.

"Nah, it's fine." You said, ignoring the term of endearment he reserved for the nights you you stayed over. "What are you doing?"

"Making breakfast, or at least trying to." He said, stirring a pan of eggs uncertainly.

"Here, let me." You offered, taking over as he watched.

"So, um, I was thinking..." He said, trailing off uncertainly.

"Hmm?" You hummed.

"What if you just... stayed here?" He asked nervously. "At least for a little bit?"

You looked up in surprise. "Here?"

"Yeah, I mean, if you want to." He said, fiddling with his sleeves awkwardly. "It's nice having you around, and you're here all the time anyway and I...

"I don't want you to go back there." He said quietly. "They're not good for you, so I thought maybe you could just... be here?"

Slowly, you nodded. "I think I'd like that."

He smiled, relieved. "Good."

[heartbreak-sandwich]

this is just a vent post because I am having feelings. probably tw depression, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and generally feeling sorry for myself lol.

I fought stupid hard to write a small 2k word ficlet, and I was really hoping if I powered through, finished it up, and posted it that I might feel better. I am proud of myself for finishing it even though it was challenging, but I'm really disappointed because it didn't change anything for me. I was hoping I would feel more inspired, the creativity might come back, or I would at least feel something. But I don't. And that's kind of crushing, idk.

More than that, I'm scared that my apathy might translate through my writing and that people might read it and just KNOW that I'm struggling to put words on a page - that my work will be lackluster because I don't have as much energy or creativity flowing as I usually do when I'm really feeling passionate about telling a story. And I want more than anything to feel that way again because it brings real joy into my life - it's a huge part of who I am.

I'm incredibly grateful that people ended up liking my fic, and I really am glad that it's there for everyone to enjoy. I feel guilty for having the sads/feeling empty and weird while there are people and friends here who are so kind and loving and supportive to me. I appreciate it so very much, and I don't want to sound ungrateful in any way because I'm not. It means more to me than I have the ability to express.

I think I am also having some weird rejection sensitivity toward a fucking algorithm if I'm being realistic about it. I took a break because I had to work extra to make more money for the holidays which were busy, and the break was a bit extended, and I missed being here. But now that I'm back, my engagement is super low, and my asks are sitting empty, and I know that's all okay, and I shouldn't feel any type of way about it. I'm not sure why it makes me feel so sad, but that's just how it be sometimes, I guess.

I suppose that feelings are sometimes just there, and I probably shouldn't judge myself so harshly for them, but jesus fucking christ, I really just want to enjoy things again, and the emptiness I feel after doing the thing I love the most hits a little too hard. And I don't know how to fix it.

[kalisbaby]

❤️

I love my mother. I really do. But I hate that she doesn't take care of herself then expects me to do it. Like I normally don't mind. Sure I'll fix her something to eat but when she's sitting on her phone playing games or watching YouTube and being like she's just sooo exhausted it annoys me. Like I barely take care of myself, unfortunately, and sometimes I don't have the energy to even make myself a damn sammich (if we even have things to make a fucking sammich with in the first fucking place) so I don't often have energy to cook for others. Also...and I'm just venting and ranting here...I don't wanna really take care of others sometimes. Sometimes I wanna be taken care of. And I feel like so often my sisters, mainly, my older sister kinda expects me to just do shit.

I'm tried. And I'm not gonna save this. I'm just gonna rant for a lil bit. Bitch and moan and moan and bitch. Because I do care about my mother and my sisters and k want their health always but I also want and need them to take care of themselves when they can. Specifically mom. Like I want her to try more. Instead of guilting me when I don't wanna do something. I don't like that shit. I actively hate it. Loathe it even.

And I don't know how to balance my love and care for my family and for myself. Cuz when I do be selfish and take care of myself and say no k feel like I did someone wrong and I don't know if that's my people pleasing nature rearing it's ugly lil head again or if I'm actually doing something wrong. How can I care for myself if every time I do it's s problem?

Where's the balance? Where's the middle point? Where's the correct way to do this?

Ancestors please help me cuz I know I'm messing something up somewhere. I'm missing something. Not catching the clues somehow. Please help me.

It makes me sad.

And I feel trapped.

And no amount of well wishing or prayers or anything will or can change that.

The problem is systematic so to speak.

Like as long as I'm here under this roof I'll have to compromise with myself and my family and I understand that but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one making compromises. It might not be true, I'll admit, since I'm all up in my lil feelings and shit. But it feels like it.

Idk.

I'm gonna keep this post. Because I don't wanna say all this then throw it away. I need it to look back and be like "ah."

Also typing on my phone is easier RN than writing in my journal. Mainly because I can't find that shit lol. Also... I feel so disconnected from myself a bit.

My focus is so deeply entrenched in global matters that the things I usually do for myself see so miniscule and maybe insignificant. Tho not that word. Because caring for myself is never that but it feels selfish in a way I don't like. Different from how I feel with my family.

Idk idk idk.

I'm listening to Victoria Monet "I'm The One" on repeat. I love this song but I should probably listen to Jonghyun's End of a Day and cry a lil.

Idk idk

[ct-multifandom]

Miracuclass Amogus Cringe

I was going back and forth about making this post, but then I saw @charming-mage ‘s and I was like screw it we’re doing this. This ended up 10x longer than I thought it’d be.

Marinette (crewmate) - tries to organize everyone into a buddy system to corner the impostors, gets frustrated when people agree to her plan and then start running rogue. When discussions start she’s leading the conversation and asking the most questions. She greatly prefers crewmate over impostor because she likes the mystery solving element of discussions.

Marinette (impostor) - whenever she kills someone she goes, “ahhhh” out loud and panics while her avatar sprints away from the body. She likes coming up with convoluted plans, especially when she can communicate with her fellow imp(s), and tries to make it seem like she’s in two places at once wether it be through venting or falsified testimony.

Adrien (crewmate) - he has to unmute and ask how to do like every individual task to the point where he’s been voted out over it before because cmon, you’ve gotta be lying about it at this point, just piece it together and stop unmuting during task time. He makes puns and sings little improvised songs while tasking. When he suspects someone but they don’t get voted out, he offers to tail them at the cost of his own safety. Same with fixing sabotages late-game. To him, getting killed is just part of the game progression, and it’s not a big deal because he trusts his fellow crewmates to avenge him and doesn’t mind ghost-tasking.

Adrien (impostor) - okay maybe he lies about not knowing tasks sometimes. But it also took him a while to learn imp mechanics and he kept asking about them out loud like, “what’s the red square task on the floor? Why’s my name highlighted?” And somehow nobody noticed while his partner(s) were like nggggg Adrien no... At least he’s good at playing innocent/fake-detective-ing in discussions. Whenever he kills someone he makes some stupid one-liner about it out loud.

Alya (crewmate) - we got Sherlock Holmes over here. She overanalyzes every tiny detail and isn’t scared to sacrifice the sus for the greater cause. When she finishes tasks, she likes to hang out by security and snoop in case of the rare satisfaction of catching someone red-handed. If there’s an emergency meeting, it’s probably because she probably saw something. She supports Crewinette’s plans to corner the imps. She thinks tasks wins are boring and that it’s a lot more fun to win through voting correctly. If they task-win or lose she stops before the new game and asks who the imps were and for a recap of their actions.

Alya (impostor) - a force to be reckoned with. She’ll wait for the perfect moment to strike someone, and then cover her tracks, join a group and win herself a strong alibi anyways. Her reputation as a ruthless detective protects her, even when the game is set to show that the ejected person was innocent. She always chooses someone to kill and someone to blame for it, but sometimes she gets carried away and they vote her off for pointing too many fingers.

Nino (crewmate) - he’s just tasking, man. If he gets killed he’s like, “oh mf” and just keeps ghost-tasking. He mostly hangs out during the discussions unless he has something solid to say, only jumping in at the end to confirm, “so we’re voting for _?”. He leads his own little crewmate squad around when he finishes tasks to protect them while they finish theirs.

Nino (impostor) - mostly plays off the strategy of his partner(s). He likes playing the protective team-player type “innocent diversion” role while the partner(s) get to killing, so when discussions start he’s totally in the clear, which gives him an opening to dodge suspicion in the future if he needs to take over killing. He pretends to fix sabotages all the time because people rely on him to do that as a crewmate.

Max (crewmate) - freakishly good at the card scanning task. People always ask for his secret and he’s like? It’s so easy? He has every map memorized to a t so he can point out the contradictions in people’s stories like an ace attorney character. It’s surprisingly really helpful. He’s the opposite of Alya in that he’s a big supporter of the “guys, stop voting off random innocent people, we have like five tasks left. Whoever hasn’t done them, just finish them” strategy.

Max (impostor) - he tries his best to protect his partner(s) in the discussion while laying low himself, and sometimes he gets voted out for it, but if he senses that there’s nothing he can do, he’ll throw them even further under the bus to build credit for himself. He doesn’t like sacrificing innocents as a crewmate, so his defenses are only sus when he’s caught being wrong. He sabotages a lot to control people’s movements and vents liberally unless he committed to a tasking group. That being said, he can go whole rounds without killing out of caution.

Kim (crewmate) - he’s the guy who calls emergency meetings early into the game only to say, “I miss you guys :)” He gets voted out all the time for doing troll-y crap and ignoring Crewinette’s plans. He’s also severely confused by some of the tasks and game mechanics, but fakes it till he makes it, until the discussion where he rarely says anything valuable and just jokes around. Sometimes, though, he’ll offer a tiny offhand detail and everyone’s like Kim, I hate to say it, but you’re a genius or that’s the piece we’ve been missing! And he’s like haha ok. He’s always behind on tasks, sometimes out of laziness, sometimes out of confusion, but he’s one of the people Max is impatiently waiting on.

Kim (impostor) - he gets caught in the act a lot and it’s hilarious, but other times he gets away with everything the entire time, which is kinda scary. He’s weirdly good at introducing so much confusion and derailment to discussions that everyone gets totally lost and doesn’t know what’s going on, allowing him to survive when they could’ve easily figured him out. Unlike Max, he knows literally nothing about the maps and always says he was at the “slidey thing” or whatever and everyone’s like idk wtf the slidey thing is, and if this were anyone else they’d be gone immediately, but it’s Kim so he might actually be telling the truth. He refuses to learn the names of anything because this really helps him out.

Alix (crewmate) - always trying to convince her friends to experiment with ridiculous game settings. Occasionally, she gets to them, and they get games with comically unbalanced imp:crew ratios, awful lighting, an overwhelming load or lack of tasks, or hilariously low cool downs. She revels in the chaos. When she tasks she usually moves from place to place alone but tries to hop in with groups to confirm her movements. She’s pretty good at sussing imps out when they offer enough information, but otherwise she just makes goofy comments with Kim.

Alix (impostor) - not too worried about killing people and venting. She moves fast and dashes from place to place, joining a group on the opposite side of the map from her last body. If anyone says, “I saw someone vent but I didn’t see who” it was probably her. She likes the “stand in a clump and watch the chaos ensue when one person drops” technique as well as the gambling “hope that the UI for the task everyone’s doing covers your killing and venting” strat. Sometimes she’s forced to vent to a dead end and gets caught, and sometimes the big brain detectives catch her, but she’s usually pretty smooth.

Rose (crewmate) - a big fan of hide and seek mode. She likes grouping up for tasks, protecting each other at the cost of efficiency. During discussions, she has a hard time believing anyone’s the impostor, and everyone’s like, Rose, we know there are exactly three of them, you can’t defend every individual person. Whenever she gets killed she is like *gasp* et tu, Brute? No matter who it was.

Rose (impostor) - runs around with her squad when... oops... looks like something got sabotaged! Uh oh, wonder who could’ve done that? She’s in a battle against that task bar more so than the players, and tries to stay away from killing. She emulates crewmate behavior perfectly so no one ever suspects her until really late. If she’s the only imp left and she has to kill, it’s like an Agatha Christie locked room mystery level of drama and betrayal within her squad. But we were all together the whole time... omfg no way... it was one of us.

Juleka (crewmate) - she secretly prefers when everyone tasks alone, but goes with the squad for Rose. She only talks in discussions if she’s 100% sure about something, and she often incomprehensibly mumbles vital evidence. ~10 minutes later when they catch the imp she’s like iItoldyouso and the crew’s like ??? If she gets killed and her tasks are done, she haunts that impostor relentlessly. Sometimes she even organizes ghost brigades in ghost chat and gets everyone to follow them.

Juleka (impostor) - definitely gets a kick out of the kill button. Whenever she takes someone down she’s like heeheehee. If she was peer pressured into a task team again, she’ll anxiously try to slip away unnoticed for a second to catch someone in the hallway outside, but if she’s alone, she’s on a hunt. Nobody is safe. When she defends herself on voice chat she also mumbles incomprehensibly and everyone’s like sure, fair enough.

Mylene (crewmate) - seasoned task group leader. She also sings little task songs like Adrien. She tries to organize people into chatting regular status updates so they can tell if someone goes missing. She reports every body she finds and actively participates in the discussion, but whenever she makes good points, she gets overlooked. Then, the crew’s like Mylene, why didn’t you say anything sooner? And she’s like agjdjdhh Either that or she gets voted off for always reporting and being too eager to discuss on top of it.

Mylene (impostor) - gets her partner(s) inside her team and tries to tag-team anyone passing by, only for all the impostors to have alibis when she reports. If the ratio is right, they can destroy their own group, and then immediately point the finger at whoever is left, which works about half the time. Mylene is a pretty convincing actress, but the high IQ tricks only work a couple times.

Ivan (crewmate) - he’ll take one for the team if he has to, especially in those sabotage cases where you’d have to be isolated and vulnerable. Otherwise he’ll protect his group. He has an “innocent until proven guilty” attitude when he runs into other people on the map, and skips during a lot of the votes.

Ivan (impostor) - we all know he can’t lie to save his life. He usually gets voted out really fast if he kills someone because he gets nervous and starts saying contradictory things when questioned. That being said, he’ll do what he can to keep his partner(s) in the clear. He never vents because the risk is too high for him, instead just running around and saying, “sorry” out loud when he catches a victim.

Nathaniel (crewmate) - he’s the opposite of Adrien in that he’ll do anything to avoid getting killed. He runs around tasking on his own, but he’s usually behind because he’s so focused on avoiding everyone, to Max’s frustration. He also never reports bodies. This causes him to be sus at all times, so he gets voted out a lot. Wild Nath sightings are rare and terrifying because he’s never in the clear and he’s just standing there, menacingly. Imp!Alix sees him as a fun combo of Where’s Waldo and Assassin.

Nathaniel (impostor) - the millisecond that cool down timer runs out, someone is getting killed. Hit and run. He’s good at entering a fairly crowded large space, striking, and staying in everyone’s blind spots while he runs away, especially when the lights are out. He likes venting to isolated areas and killing as many people per round as he can, laughing when someone finally reports and everyone unmutes to go WHAT!? at the number of deaths. He tends to operate separately from his partner(s) unless they have an actual plan.

Chloe (crewmate) - gathers every single person in medbay and makes sure they all watch her scan. Yeah okay, we get, you’re a crewmate. She feels personally offended whenever someone kills her, which is often, since people tend to jokingly target her. During discussions, she accuses anyone and everyone of being sus, even if she just walked past them or saw them tasking alone. She likes stalking people as a ghost and spilling tea in ghost chat.

Chloe (impostor) - reacts similarly to Marinette when she kills. She will throw her partner(s) under the bus if it’s more advantageous in the long run, and she’s great at shifting the blame to innocents. People vote her out a lot anyways, and she says she can’t believe that they even like this stupid little game. Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. Unless she wins. Then it’s fun.

Sabrina (crewmate) - discussion detective supreme. She keeps track of every piece of evidence and testimony, every detail. She tails the sus at a distance, trying to catch them doing something. Sometimes it gets her targeted, but sometimes she catches them and calls emergency meetings to snitch. Somehow she manages to do this and finish her tasks at the same time.

Sabrina (impostor) - sabotages everything, and tries to get her partner(s) to do it too. Once she won because the crew just didn’t fix O2 in time. She avoids killing Chloe, but feels bad if she has to kill anyone else too. She typically just sticks to making other people seem suspicious, and likes the game mode where you can’t see if you voted correctly or not.

Lila (both) - she rarely joins these games. She isn’t even a member of the chat group they use. They occasionally invite her, and she usually lies about how busy she is, but she accepted a couple times to further her narrative. She pretends to be really bad at being an impostor to establish herself as someone incapable of trickery. Regardless of her role, whenever the body announcement pops up, she goes, “oh nooo, not [victim(s)]... nooo....” and Mari’s like stfu Lila.

Bonus Polaroid kids because,,, they <3

Kagami (crewmate) - hella efficient at tasks. Two discussions in and she’s done. She’s the interrogation specialist who stresses out the imps and crew alike with her barrage of questions. She likes moving either alone or in partners, three people maximum, unless Crewinette needs her, in which case she’ll stick to the plan no matter what.

Kagami (impostor) - you’re walking through the base / there’s no one around and comms are down / out of the corner of your eye you spot her / Kagami Tsurugi. She will have you cornered and you won’t be able to do anything about it. She always has a made up explanation for what she was doing, but sometimes it falls through solely because she’s always acting sus.

Luka (crewmate) - he likes crewmate a lot more than impostor. He’ll tag along with a task group until he’s done, and then he’ll go lurk in the corner and spy on people. He moves along the walls, and a few times this has led to him witnessing murders in the middle of the room while the imp only saw him after it was too late. Cue the mad dash for emergency meeting.

Luka (impostor) - works together with his partner(s) to perform some high level backstabbery. He rarely gets voted out unless he messes up because he builds bonds of trust with like half of the crew while he leads the rest into his partner(s)’ traps. He feels bad about killing sometimes, but he doesn’t mind sabotaging.

Zoe (crewmate) - she finds one or two other people she trusts and follows them around. She uses the logic of “well we could’ve both killed each other by now but we didn’t so they must be safe”. She immediately recounts everything that happened to her that round in discussions, even irrelevant details, just in case they might end up useful, and tends to bandwagon with voting.

Zoe (impostor) - tries to catch people in secluded corners or rooms with closable doors to kill them. She avoids taking risks, but sometimes she reports her own bodies and tries to act all surprised by the discovery. She’s a good actress, but she’s not the best bs artist, although the crew is used to her giving a ton of details right from the start, so they don’t suspect her unless there’s a hole in her story.

Marc (crewmate) - does tasks on his own but makes sure to stop near crowds when he can. Whenever he’s running around alone and sees someone else, he immediately turns around like ohmygodohmygod and anxiously dances around the other person who’s more than likely just another, equally anxious crewmate with places to be. He still gets killed a lot.

Marc (impostor) - he goes full anime villain mode. All according to keikaku. He’s one of those people who disproportionately rolls the impostor role and ends up with it like twice every five games. He plans out every move he’s gonna make, every complex lie and big brain play, and sometimes he gets that glorious evil win, but sometimes his plans are totally sabotaged by stupid things like Kim’s trolling.

[acespec-ed]

(Tw for very slight discussions of sex/masturbation)

Just started seeing a therapist and her bio not only said that she works with LGBTQ people but she specifically went out of her way to say that she works with people in poly relationships and found families and any other non traditional relationships, so I thought she'd be a good chance for finding a therapist who understands asexuality and it's impacts on relationships. In my first meeting with her, when I told her that I'd recently begun thinking I might be ace-spec somehow, she asked if she could ask more specific questions and after talking a while she said that since I said that I have experienced physical arousal but never actually been able to climax, not even on my own, that it's possible it is actually a physical problem and not asexuality. And I know that that is theoretically possible and not just a thing aphobic people say, especially since she asked clarifying questions first so its not like she's lumping all ace people as a whole into this. And I've been on birth control (I'm a cis woman) since before I started exploring my sexuality, so idk it's possible that's affecting things too, but idk it just made me feel weird. I think part of it is I've just started feeling really comfortable in the ace community and I don't want to lose that. Especially since if I'm not ace then I'm basically an allo cis het so it's not like I have another claim to queerness. But also I don't know I just feel like even if it is a physical problem, I don't care that much about fixing it, and doesn't that seem like an indicator that it's not just physical? Also like I definitely don't think about sex when I find people attractive, to the point where if I stop myself and say "wait so if you find them attractive would you want to have sex with them?" my reaction is usually an instant no that didn't even cross my mind and sometimes even ends the feelings of attraction. I've only talked to this therapist once so far, so I'm still hopeful that she'll work out but idk I'm just feeling weird and I don't know how to feel about it. She wants me to buy a vibrator and try it out but like especially with all the unease and stress of this that's not something I feel much like doing right now

(sorry for the long rambling ask, I have no one to vent to irl)

I can see where the therapist is coming from with thinking it's a physical problem, especially when you throw birth control into the mix, BUT- everything else you said sounds a lot more like how an ace operates than how an allo does in my opinion.

You said you didn't care much to fix it. I feel like, an allo would. And allos do still experience sexual attraction, and most likely would want to "fix" the problem so they can go off and have sex with people they're sexually attracted to. They have a drive towards these people that motivate them to fix it. Clearly you don't have that. (To give you an idea, I worked on getting over my sex repulsion because I wanted sex with my boyfriend that bad.)

You also said you don't think about sex when it comes to people you find attractive. While allos aren't going to think about/want sex with every person they find attractive, they're still going to with some people.

I can't speak for allos, but my experience with sexual attraction is seeing/thinking about that person and feeling a need to have sex with them. I'm not getting that vibe at all from your ask. You are most likely still on the ace spectrum- regardless of if you have some sort of physical problem or not.

I honest to God see no need why you need to get a vibrator or fix the problem or whatever the therapist is saying. I hear things about allos wanting to fix sex-related issues all the time and I just don't understand why such things are problems (unless they're in a relationship or it affects actual health unrelated to having sex). So unless there's something vital I'm missing, you shouldn't bother if you don't want to do it. Especially if you’re stressed out enough as it is.

It’s very weird and off-putting to me that she’s saying it’s possibly not asexuality. After all, aces can have physical problems having sex. You can be both ace and have problems climaxing just like you can be ace and not have problems climaxing. It doesn’t have much to do with sexual attraction. (Though, an ace could have trouble climaxing because they lack that sexual attraction.) Like, she can bring up the possibility of you having a physical problem without brushing off the asexual part of your identity like that. Maybe she didn’t mean for it to come across that way, or said it out of ignorance. After all, asexuality is still fairly “recent” to medical professionals and the like. They’re still learning about us and it’s a miracle to come across people who are ace-friendly. But it still rubs me the wrong way. idk. It’s up to you whether or not you want to keep seeing her, and if you want to follow her advice or not. Maybe you could see her again but make it clear you’re not interested in “fixing” any physical problems, and focus on the actual reason you’re seeing her to begin with.

Regardless of if you have sexual issues or not, if you find the ace label useful to you, if it brings you comfort, if it makes you happy, you are welcome to use it! 💜

[awkwardgtace]

Mira's Fall

TW bad writing about injuries and some blood mention. idk anything else as usual lemme know if I should add any.

Mira's Fall

Mira was watching Corus from the vent above his desk. She was still weary about trusting the human and would frequently observe how he acted when she wasn’t obviously nearby. He’d continued to change behavior, almost no outbursts in the time since she agreed to interact with him. She was impressed, but she didn’t want to trust him yet. She was still nervous if his hands came too close, memories of those times in the walls fresh. He was far too interested in holding her too, always offering to carry her if they were talking and he had to leave the room. He had improved, but she wouldn’t put her life in his hands.

He left the room and she made to climb down. She wanted to talk to him about the garden in the back, there was damage that she couldn’t take care of. The damage was sadly making the plants not grow back, so she wanted to see if he could fix it. He wanted to help so she’d make use of it at least. Hanging her hook carefully from the vent grate she started to climb down. She’d been making more trips down from here; she never considered the strain it may be putting on her rope. She heard a snap and stared up, just out of reach the rope had started to split. She started to rush down only for her to hear the snap again entering a free fall.

She let out a short scream as she fell. She was more relieved than before that Corus chose to move his desk directly under the vent in case this ever happened. She landed hard on the desk surface, hitting her head and feeling her leg bend strangely. Everything went black.

Slowly Mira started to wake back up. She could barely tell where she was, it wasn’t the forest and she shouldn’t be in any human buildings. She had to get home before someone noticed she was missing. She tried to move her leg, pain shooting through her causing a shriek.

She felt human footsteps and panic gripped her. She was hurt, this could and probably would end badly. She tried to move her leg again causing sharp pain to shoot up her spine and spots in her vision. She quickly switched to crawling, trying her best to get to a hiding spot until she could find a way out. Her vision was blurry, she had no clue what happened before she woke up. She just needed to hide, sleep until her eyes cleared up and she could do something.

“Oh my god,” the human said. She kept trying to crawl away, moving away from the booming voice. The human rushed at her and she froze waiting for the hand to grab her. The voice sounded familiar, but that didn’t make sense. After a few seconds of not being touched she opened her eyes, fearfully staring at the human now looming over her. Their hands were held out, but hadn’t reached her yet.

“D-don’t touch me,” she choked out. She was in so much pain, this human would only make things worse. She needed to get away before they let their curiosity win.

“Mira, how can I help? Where are you hurt?” the human asked. The human shouldn’t know her name. She tried to remember why this human would know her, but the pain in her head only got worse. She felt tears fall from her eyes as the worst possibilities ran through her mind. Things weren’t making sense; she just wanted to go home where someone could help fix her up.

“Stay b-back. I-I’ll curse you,” her voice sounded weak. She couldn’t believe her own words; there's no way the human would. They must have caught her, that had to be how they knew her name. She didn’t want to think about what it meant with how injured she was. She heard the human sigh, her blood running cold.

“Mira, it’s me, it’s Corus,” the human sounded sad. “You know I'm not going to hurt you, just tell me what happened. I’m guessing you fell, do you know how far?”

She tried to understand what the human was asking. They said a name, Corus, but that didn’t sound familiar. She just wanted to go home. She needed to treat her leg and her head. Slowly moving her hand, she reached behind her head, pulling it away and in front of her. Blood, she was hoping that wouldn’t be what she found. She needed to get away from the human, there had to be others nearby who could get her out. She still couldn’t see clearly, but it didn’t stop her from noticing the head looming over her coming closer. She started to curl in on herself before pain gripped her again.

“Oh man, your head,” he breathed. “Oh no... Your head. Mira, what do you remember?”

She wouldn’t answer his questions. She told them to stay away, that was enough. If she didn’t answer and just focused on herself they might go away. She barely managed to sit up before she heard a muted gasp above her. She couldn’t focus on that now, her head was bleeding, but that was easy to handle, her leg was the big issue. It hurt to move it, looking at it now it was probably broken. If she didn’t set it then the others would have more trouble trying to get her out of here. She didn’t have her bag though, which was weird. She always had her bag of medical supplies on hand during training. Maybe she snuck out again, yeah that had to be it.

“All right, I’m going to go get the first aid kit, please try not to move too much,” the human said. They ran off quickly and she promptly ignored their request. She had to get somewhere safe until help came. She’d pulled herself a little closer to something that could hide her when the footsteps approached again. Fear gripped at her, would the human be mad she didn’t listen? She pushed that aside and focused on trying to hide still. She couldn’t let fear control her. She was supposed to be the best of her crew and she could deal with this. The human didn’t pause as they entered the room, she didn’t either.

“At least you didn’t jump off the table,” they said with a hint of humor in their voice. That made her stop. Of course she didn’t she wasn’t stupid. That would be a last resort, and only when her leg could handle it. They placed a huge box on the table she was on. They started pulling out a lot of things, some she recognized. The bandages would be useful, so would some of the tubes at least if she was right, her vision still wasn’t great. After they laid everything out they picked up some of the bandages and started unrolling them. They handed her the edge they unrolled. She just stared at it unsure how to use something so big.

“That’s what was missing,” they murmured. She watched the human look around settling on something above them. She held back a scream when they climbed up on something, a chair probably, to reach what they’d seen. She couldn’t tell what they were doing, but didn’t like seeing the already huge human even taller. They were off the chair quickly, the steps down vibrating through her even on this table. They held their hand out to her with something shiny on it. She looked up at them then slowly reached out. She couldn’t explain the need she felt to have whatever they held.

Once her hand was on it she pulled it close. She started to investigate it, was it the fish hook her mom brought her dad once? She wouldn’t take this, why was this here? She had to be wrong; it was just a hook that looked and felt similar. She looked at the human who held the bandage out to her again, still confused. She poked an edge on the hook, what must be her hook, and pulled away sticking her finger in her mouth. This would be sharp enough to cut the bandages. Maybe her dad had sharpened it for her outing? She pushed the questions aside and quickly got to work getting some reasonably sized bandages.

She barely noticed when the human let go of the bandages to start placing other things near her. One of the tubes which had to be the stuff for cuts, it was hard to get usually. They also put some wooden sticks near her, why were those in the box? He also brought some wet towels, leaving them close enough she could move an edge to clean her head easily. She was told humans weren’t kind. Why was this one so kind? She shouldn’t dwell on that, while they were kind she had to treat her injuries. She reached for a wet towel once she thought there were enough bandages and tried to clean her head. It wasn’t going well, unable to see the wound.

“Do you want some help?” they asked. She just froze. They gave her things for her injuries, but she didn’t want to be touched by them. She tried to shake her head, but the pain made her nauseous. “I don’t need to touch you, promise. Wait one second, if it doesn’t help, don't worry about it.”

The human left again quickly. She stared after them. She was told to be wary, not trust any human who offered kindness. They had stories of her kind and a lot created bad situations for the humans. This one wasn’t touching her and was giving her things to treat her wounds. She still wasn’t sure how she got them though. It didn’t seem like the human did it, but maybe they did drop her and cause it. She pushed that away, she wasn’t insane enough to let a human hold her. The human came back into the room holding a mirror, that wouldn’t really help her see the back of her head. They placed the mirror behind her carefully, far enough she wouldn’t touch it by accident.

“All right, we put this up behind you and...” they trailed off. They held a rectangle in front of her. After a second it lit up showing her sitting there with the reflection of her back shown too. Her vision was still sort of blurry, but she could manage. She was struggling to focus, seeing a reflection that seemed off. She didn’t look like what she expected, she looked older, thinner, just not like herself. Slowly she moved a hand watching as the person she saw mimicked the movement.

“That’s not me,” she said. She didn’t realize she spoke until she heard the human sigh above her. They put the rectangle down and moved so their face was even with her.

“I’m not sure what you remember,” their voice was quiet, almost calming. “That is you, I’m sure things don’t make a lot of sense right now, but we need to treat your head and leg. I’ll tell you everything I know after that. I don’t want to leave you alone here, but I’ll stay as far as possible once this is all taken care of all right?”

She gave a small nod and the human moved to hold the rectangle again. She still couldn’t connect with the person copying her movements, but she believed the human. This is her, so what on earth did she forget? She carefully used the wet towel to clean off the blood, the red standing out against the lavender. It was longer than she remembered, making cleaning the blood off a bit harder than she expected. Once it seemed clear of blood she reached a hand into the tube they’d placed nearby and put some of the goop on the wound as best she could. Carefully she wrapped the bandages around her head making sure to leave her eyes clear. Her hair wound up wrapped a little as she went around, but it wasn’t in the wound which was good enough.

Once she was satisfied she looked at her leg. This would hurt to move and she might pass out. The human would have free reign to do anything. She swallowed thickly before making her choice. She couldn’t stop the human awake or passed out, so she would just set her leg quickly and not care. She’d been taught to set broken bones before she was even allowed to leave the community; this was nothing new. She started to prepare herself, taking a deep breath and keeping her tongue from her teeth. She grabbed her leg and quickly snapped it back to a normal position. The pain was worse than she expected though a shriek leaving her as her vision went white.

“...-a…-ra..Mira!” a voice boomed around her. It was so loud, why was it so loud? She opened her eyes slowly, seeing the ceiling above her. She sat up with a groan. “Thank goodness you’re all right. You know we could have numbed your leg first right?!”

She looked at the voice and her memory caught up. The human was helping her, she didn’t look like she remembered, and she was hurt pretty badly. She chose to ignore the human again, reaching for one of the wooden sticks he’d put near her. It was a little out of reach, she flinched when they pushed them closer. She realized her vision had cleared up. She steeled herself to look at the human. Looking up she got a clear look at their face for the first time. The only thing she saw was concern, which made her willing to take a chance.

“C-can you hold this by my leg while I wrap it?” she asked. It took all her courage to look at them again. They had a warm smile, it made her feel safe. Why would a human’s smile make her feel safe? They nodded at her, then slowly brought their hand next to her. They held the stick straight and close to her leg, but didn’t do anything else. She tried to ignore the anxiety of their hand so close, as she wrapped her leg. Slowly she lost herself in the process. Thankfully it didn’t take long before their hand was pulled away and her leg was stabilized. Now she had to figure out a way to get home, but that was easier said than done.

The human started to put all the things back in the box. She still couldn’t understand why they were acting like this. She was confused and tired and her head was just pulsing in pain now. She shouldn’t sleep here, she knew that, but she couldn’t move much at least not for a while. Once the human left the room she gave in, laying back and closing her eyes. She didn’t notice when, but the human put some cloth behind her. It made things a lot more comfortable. She fell into a heavy sleep quickly, her body finally hitting empty after everything.

Corus was currently terrified. He had no idea how to properly take care of Mira, let alone how to convince her she was safe. She couldn’t even recognize herself. She seemed more vulnerable right now, too. He let out a heavy sigh, going to get some water and food to leave with her. She couldn’t keep going with what seems like a large portion of her life missing. He left the kitchen making his steps heavier, expecting her to be trying to hide or staring at him in fear. Instead she was asleep. He approached as quietly as he could, placing what he brought near her. He should leave, but he didn’t want to abandon her on his desk. He sat in his chair and placed his head on his arms, just waiting. He’d help as best he could, she didn’t trust him before this anyway.

Mira’s next few days were a blur. Every time she woke up the human was there, but they were still kind. She would drink some water and eat, but sleep would quickly take her again. She couldn’t make herself stay awake, although she tried to. It seemed like things would stay like this until she was healed. Then she’d finally find out what the human had planned for her. The human just always seemed kind of sad when she did wake up.

The first day she woke up, really woke up, things felt different. Corus had left a mirror on her desk. She looked in it and was surprised to see her head wrapped with bandages. She must have been out for a while after she fell. Corus must have helped her when he found her. She didn’t love the idea of him handling her while she was out, but she was grateful. If it had been left alone she’d have a much worse recovery time.

“Mira, are you awake?” Corus asked, quietly knocking on the door. He didn’t wait for a reply, opening the door slowly. She saw his face light up when he noticed her sitting up, he must have been worried. He flashed a warm smile. “Good morning, just have to grab some stuff then I’ll be out of your hair for most of the day.”

“It’s your room, you should just stay in here, I can probably make my way home at this point,” she said. Her voice cracked like she hadn’t spoken in days, but she couldn’t have been out that long. Shock quickly took over his features. He was on his knees in front of her faster than she could react. Humans had more speed than they used and she didn’t like that. He looked like he was about to cry, it shouldn’t be that shocking she said she’d go home. Resting for a day should get her enough strength to get back.

“Mira, you remember me?” his voice was almost too quiet for her.

“I doubt I could forget the human who basically begged me to give him a chance,” she couldn’t help the bit of snark. It wasn’t like she could just forget a human she’d agreed to give a chance. Why would Corus ask if she remembered him?

“How’s your head? Your leg? Do you really remember? It’s ok not to know me, you can leave when you feel up to it. Do you feel up to changing the bandages? Do you want to go somewhere--”

“Corus, I’ll be fine. I’ve broken my leg before. I should be fine to head back at this point.” She cut off his rambling. She appreciated the concern, but it wasn’t like this was the first time she got hurt.

Corus laid his head on the table, a relieved laugh leaving him. Slowly he explained the last few days, the things she didn’t remember. Threatening to curse him, looking terrified every time he entered the room. She treated him like a monster while he just tried to help her. She felt guilt well up inside her, this all happened because she’d been coming to get help. She opened her mouth to try and apologize, when he lifted his head. He looked so relieved, she didn’t know how to act.

“I’m really glad you remembered,” he said. She didn’t really understand, it would have been better if she forgot about him. Then he could have made her trust him without the background of his outbursts. She wouldn’t consider him violent anymore. He was happier that she still knew. Maybe he was different than she’d seen.

“A-actually, could I stay here until my leg heals more?” she asked. His eyes went wide and she regretted asking. That was stupid, she was stupid, she shouldn’t stay like this. She was ready to back track immediately.

“Honestly I was going to ask you to,” he said looking away. “Before you get upset, I know you can take care of yourself, but that was a pretty bad fall. I’d like to make sure you don’t have to make any injury worse. Are you all right if I work at this computer while you’re recovering?”

“Yeah, um, thank you,” she said. He gave her another large smile then moved to his desk chair rather than the ground. She considered this human with a violent streak who was terrified she’d hurt herself. He seemed to really care, maybe, just maybe, it was safe to trust him. She carefully laid back down, hearing him right next to her was shockingly calming. She had to be honest with herself at this point. She not only trusted this human, but believed he would keep her safe. She could maybe spend some more time with him.

[kuvvydraws]

Life for me has been utter shit - stuck with godawful lessons and a lot of tests, all the while having to worry about this group of mean girls who I offended a couple month ago and now have to constantly think about what I do because all it takes is one mistep and they go all snarky and stir up trouble by making baseless accusations - cause all it takes is one mistake to turn your best friends into utter bitches ((sorry for the language)) who constantly make it out to be that I’m always going out of my way to wind them up and harass them

And now I’m worried that if any of my other past mistakes come up that they’re going to make it out to be a big thing, and if they make it out to be a big thing then I just know it’s gonna reach the teachers who’re gonna make it reach home and then I’ll have to deal with the usual disappointment I get when I make even the smallest mistake, because everyone expects me to be this perfect little thing that cant make a single mistake, and if that happens I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna deal with it - especially if I lose my phone, as it’s like my only comfort source and tether to the things that actually make me happy.

And no I don’t mean that in terms of social media, I mainly mean that in terms of stuff like access to tumblr and my fanfiction - because as sad as it sounds they’re the only thing keeping my happy and keeping me going

I should probably talk about some of this with my counsellor, but then she’s gonna have to mention it to her superiors who’ll most likely make her tell my parents and I just don’t have the energy or will power to deal with that

So here I am, using anon on tumblr to rant at someone as sweet as you who’s probably just gonna get either super bummed out or kinda concerned which you shouldn’t be as I honestly don’t deserve anyone’s care or concern. I’m already a waste of physical space, no need to be a waste of someone’s emotional and mental energy as well.

Sorry. - 🦋anon🦋

((just to add a little bit of recognition in case I want to/need to rant again. Granted that’s good with you of course))

Alright so that's a lot, so I think I'm going to answer this under a read more and hopefully I can bring you some sort of comfort, as little as that may be

Before that tho, I know I'm not a rant/venting blog, but you guys can come do so in asks or DMS even if we never talk again. I rather lend an ear that have you with a heavy weight on your shoulders if I can help carry it.

ALSO

This is a self-deprecation free blog! Y'all are a fucking delight, and gorgeous inside and out and I'll frigging fight you if I must in order to seal that idea in your funky little brains! 🔪🔪🔪

School problems sound like a lot of stress rn (I'm guessing you're not in college yet, I don't have the facts tho), and those come in the source of social and study issues. To the later, I can only say that they will pass, they're temporary and they don't really matter that much as long as you manage the bare minimum to go on with your life plans (which is a ridiculous thing to say because I myself am 23 and I still don't know jack shit about anything, much less about life).

Your "friends", and this is the last time I call them that, are clearly not deserving of you, not only if they treat you that way but also because if you're so sure they're willing to use mistakes from the past against you, that means you kind of subconsciously understood they weren't that good to start with. To that I can only say that kind of gut feeling comes with age (I'm full of hateful advice tonight, sorry), and that those mistakes they'll make you face were things you did in the past you made being younger and less informed and "matured", and you should look at them with that gaze instead of beating yourself over them or letting them get to you (this is not easy, but you can do it 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻)

Idk how you school (again, guessing) works, but sure there is a tutor or someone you can talk with from the staff, a therapist they hire from time to time or, and I know you won't like this option, the counselor. Think of your mental health for a moment, please.

You're not a machine.

You are not a perfect thing.

You're human, and you're fallible, and weak, and you get tired, and you make mistakes. And that's okay.

And people around you have to understand that. They can't make you a puppet to satisfy their expectations because that's going to end up either burning you out or tearing you apart.

From here, and I clearly don't know all the details so please consider that too, I think you should sacrifice some of that untouchable image others have assigned on you that you use like a shield and show vulnerability, let an "authority" inform your parents that you do very much have a breaking point and you're reaching it and you need to breathe and exist for a second.

I myself got lost, quite purposefully, in reading and writing and art -and I still do- and consuming media as a source of comfort and familiarity that was, and still is, always reliable and endless.

I don't think there's a problem with that, so long as you keep it reasonable and don't get too lost in it. As we say in my country, "lo bueno, si breve, dos veces bueno" (I'll let you investigate that on your own 😉)

The main thing I get, and what I do all the time because it works for me like a clock, is a red balloon, meaning, hobbies. I like creating things -I like reading the most, honestly, but it's never as engaging as making your own stuff. Write something, draw something, it doesn't matter if you don't think it's good, or bad, or anything or everything in between. You get a distraction, you invest in something that brings you joy such as interacting (or not, that's up to your comfort level and/or want to do so) with fandoms and Tumblr, and one day, when you're feeling under the weather or in need of a break, you can look back and see the things that you have done and be proud of them despite all their little imperfections because you made them and you had a good time while doing so and they helped you get your mind off things.

Exhaustion is a thing, and a terrible one at that, and we end up feeling numb at best, and tired, and just like you can't keep going, you can't even take that infamous baby step that's just enough for some people, and you fear that if you don't make what's barely enough then how...?

That's bullshit. It real, and valid, and it's heavy as fuck and it gets to you, nests inside your very bones and drags you.

I'm not a very cheery person despite what my internet persona might suggest, quite the opposite, and I use that to keep me going.

You can't keep up or find a reason to take that baby step? Do it out of spite.

That's my answer against life itself, when everything is just too much and I cant- I can, out of spite.

NGL buddy, it ain't healthy, but it keeps you on the move until those bad days are over and suddenly you'll find yourself fighting back, standing straight (that's the only straight thing I do), and charging forward like a bull.

Don't give up, I promise time fixes everything sooner or later and good days are on your way. That's a threat.

[kyluxtrashpit]

2020 Fic Recap

I really like writing these and 2020 has been a HELL of a year, so here we go lmao. It’s been a wild ride for sure

Total wordcount: 88 109 words (note: I’m subtracting the ‘sorry I didn’t finish this, here’s a summary of the remaining plot’ that I published for a fic in a previous fandom from this since it’s not relevant here). Overall I wrote less than last year, but given all that happened in terms of the world and personally and fandom-wise and all of it, I don’t feel too bad about it lmao. I also have a lot of WIP words of half-finished things and some planning and such so I feel okay with this

Favours, 4906 words, posted Jan 4

This was a weird one cause this is a two chapter reader insert fic, the same story but told with both Phasma and Hux. I originally wrote this for Phasma, but later decided it would be easy to tweak into a Hux story (which it was lmao) and figured people might like that, so I did both. I had fun doing it, even if this is kind of a very small niche ship and trope wise

Know Your Shadow, 5022 words, posted Feb 16

Ah yes, here we are, the first foray into renben, a ship I had NO idea would grab me so hard but here we are lmao. I’m not done with them either yet, don’t you worry. There’s something about the corruption angle I really like, also Ren is HOT, and it’s also interesting to think about Kylo truly getting to find himself and be who he wants to be. Canon didn’t really satisfy on this, but the concept still interests me and it’s what had me writing this fic. Also, Ben losing his virginity to an older man like Ren is just *chef’s kiss*

Public Indecency, 3719 words, posted Mar 1

And my second renben! This was partially inspired by art and partially by just the idea of not giving one single fuck, and how thrilling that must be for someone like Ben to experience. Ren and the KOR truly do not give a shit and it’s really beautiful in a way. Plus some hinting at found family with the KOR. Ngl, Ben/Kylo finding his place and acceptance with the KOR makes me so Soft and there’s so many words I could write about it. Plus public sex is very hot lmao

Beautiful, 3254 words, posted Mar 8

Back to kylux, and this one was an old WIP I started back when the prompt was first posted on KHK in like 2019 or something. I got stuck on it and then left it for a while. I was digging through my old WIPs, looking for something that might catch my interest and boom, this one did, so I finished it and then posted it. I quite like the fic and it’s a bit more in the ~classic~ style. It’s also always a good feeling to get an old WIP done lmao

Choose Your Destiny, 5077 words, posted Mar 20

More renben and this was my fix it fic for ROKR vol 4. I talked about this more on twitter at the time and why I found the story as it was unsatisfying, but ultimately it’s really just a case of rushed writing and playing into established bad writing (e.g. showing a fall from grace by having someone kill someone eviler than themselves). I also really liked Ren and I felt like Kylo didn’t really get to have enough agency in like... any of it. His motivations were weirdly absent as well, despite this being ostensibly about him. So I wrote this, which I think handled how the story should have gone a lot better and, plus, it’s got smut!

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Show of Devotion, 2479 words, posted Mar 28

Renben once again and this time, I mean, it’s all inappropriate use of lightsabers lmao. I was looking at the Ren and was like ‘wow that is SO phallic’ and then the horny brain turned on and, well, here we are. I also wanted a side of found family with the KOR and I think got that with this. It’s horny. It’s fun. What more could one want?

Aural, 2729 words, posted May 12

Okay this one... I have absolutely no excuses for lmao. I’m not even sure where the inspiration came from, I just remember I was in an online work meeting that was boring and the entire sequence of events played itself out in my head. It was all I could do to focus on work for the rest of the day and not immediately write this cursed creation lmao. The worst part was I’d been totally blocked on writing since March and this, THIS, was what eventually broke out of me. In case you haven’t read this one, it’s ear sex. Hux’s dick, Kylo’s ear. No, I don’t know the logistics either. But hey, I had a blast with it, both in terms of writing it and the reactions lmao. Someday I gotta write a follow up involving a nose too

Missed Chances, 10 749 words, posted Jun 7

Ah yes, this is the point where my renben met my kylux and created this absolutely enormous peanut butter cup of a fic lmao. It really was supposed to be like half the length it was, but alas, it was not. Also cockblocking kylux was SO hard, they wanted to fuck SO bad, but I had to stop them, the story demanded it lmao (and people in the comments were MAD, which is always excellent). It’s also when my renben series really started to have like, an overarching plot (aside from the modern au fics which I’ll talk about later). I even still have more instalments planned

Free Use, 6971 words, posted Jun 23

Another one that turned out far longer than initially planned, and also my most popular fic this year! I’m both surprised and not cause like. It’s a complete smut fest + my heavy headcanoning of the personalities of the KOR. People like smut, but I also feel it’s kinda niche considering how deep I’m in for the KOR lmao. So idk, I guess the smut won out. I did have a lot of fun with this one and there’s a lot of characterization thought put into each KOR, so it was really nice to see people loving that as much as I did. Canon gave us crumbs, but I just used them to make meatballs

Eat You Up, 1573 words, posted Jul 5

There’s not a lot to this one, it’s really just renben rimming cause the sexual dynamic with renben is so fun. Kylo/Ben is inexperienced yet eager and depraved enough to impress Ren, which is something considering I think of Ren as Very Experienced lmao. I really do love this ship; it’s a lot of fun to play with

In the Vents, 2002 words, posted Aug 3

Ah and this was my first piece for the stuck inside event on twitter, which I had a lot of fun with. Stuck fetish is one I’ve always wanted to explore, but never had any concrete ideas for. This event led to me finally getting to have Kylo stuck in a wall (plus more as well), which was fun. Also I spent far too long thinking about Hux’s vent contraption set up cause I knew he would never let Millie go anywhere that might hurt her, so I had to come up with a way to make the vent safe and here we are lmao. Hux being an engineer and also the most extra cat owner in existence worked out very well indeed. This was also the start of my creativity boom near the middle-end of the year that uh kinda burned out in a not so great way, but I’ll talk about that later lmao

Distraction, 3658 words, posted Aug 6

Another for the stuck inside event and another kylux/renben sandwich! Also featuring the KOR this time! Listen... it’s a gangbang, it’s got renben, it’s got kylux, it’s got Kylo getting stuffed from all ends... this is the kind of fic that, to me, is pure indulgence lmao. I had a tremendous amount of fun with it

Entrapped, 3484 words, posted Aug 8

So this was also for the stuck inside event (yes, I wrote 3 fics in about a week lmao - I don’t know how I did it either) and it’s darker than the sort of things I usually write. I enjoyed exploring something like this though, something outside my usual purview. It didn’t perform super well, but tbh the dark ones rarely do so lmao

Pit Stop, 1505 words, posted Aug 31

Welp, this is just an excuse for watersports lmao. I like piss, what can I say? And I’ve done it to kylux, so I had to do it to renben, and the modern au ‘need to pee on a road trip’ seemed like the perfect opportunity for it. Not much to say for it really

The Deal, 2431 words, posted Sep 3

Ah and this one here was the first for the throwback event I ran on twitter! The event itself ended up kind of being tainted by drama from one singular person who kind of ruined it by being a jerk for literally no good reason, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. Even with that, I still greatly enjoyed it and this piece might be my favourite from it as a whole. Kylo Amidala, political scandals, neither of them being nice... ahhhh yes, it definitely brought me back lmao

Devotion, 1929 words, posted Sep 10

Another for the throwback event, this time with Emperor and Hound dynamics which, unf, yes, I will literally never get tired of it. I really had fun with every fic from this event and this one was great because I so rarely get to write real action scenes, even if they’re in a flashback here. That and the dynamic itself really made it fun

To Be Wanted, 10 473 words, posted Sep 16

Ah yes, and here is my KBB for the year! I did a minibang this time, as, well, everything was going horribly wrong around the time of sign ups and I thought a mini would be more realistic. I think I was right on that and I’m glad I did it, even if I was torn at the time. The idea itself is one I’d been thinking about for a while. I can’t remember if I thought of it after seeing the leaks for tros or after watching the movie itself, but it’s been with me for a while and while I dithered over whether or not to sign up this year, the idea came back and was just perfect for a minibang. Plus I got an absolutely amazing and wonderful partner, which is really what makes the experience of doing bangs so great. I love this fic, I LOVE the art for it, and the whole experience was definitely a highlight to 2020 as a whole, both overall and in terms of my fandom/writing experience this year

Floss Me, 2033 words, posted Sep 21

My third for the throwback event and also the dental fetish fic I’ve wanted to write for a while now lmao but could never figure out a scenario for. As some of you may remember, 2018-2019, I went through some pretty horrific dental stuff and ultimately I think it kinda gave me a fetish lmao. Also I feel like there may or may not have been a kinky flossing prompt on one of the prompt sites at some point, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it so. But anyway, it was a fun fic for a kink I think is quite underrated tbh

The Cost of Certainty, 2541 words, posted Sep 25

My fourth and final piece for the throwback event, and this one is also a contender for my favourite piece from that event. I have always loved the idea of Hux being a serial killer and this was a perfect excuse to write it. I’d also recently finished a rewatch of Hannibal and, well, you can see where this came from lmao. I love writing tension and it was just very fun all around. I almost wish I’d done something like this as a long fic but tbh I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed writing it as much

Huxloween Drawings, 676 words, posted Nov 1

So this isn’t a fic but rather the drawings I did for huxloween, but people wanted them on ao3, so posted they are. Now, I mentioned above that I had this massive creative boom in Aug-Sep, but that it burned out rather badly. This is when that happened. I got into this place where I just... felt like everything I made wasn’t wanted or needed in the fandom. That everything I like is so unpopular at this point that I should just give up and leave. That I’ve spent all this time and energy over the years trying so desperately to get people engaged and so few ever cared and I just... ugh. It was bad. It was really bad and definitely partly fuelled by the bullshit that someone brought up regarding the throwback event (and I still believe that they are the sole cause of it’s poor reception). I, uh, am doing better now and still working through it all but it was a really rough time. But I found myself still wanting to be creative so I decided to draw. I am not good at drawing. I am not an artist. But that’s what made it fun: I went into each drawing knowing it wasn’t gonna look great. That wasn’t the point. So I never got upset about it. I think it helped me a lot tbh and I did really enjoy it and I’m glad I did it

Unconventional, 7243 words (in progress), updated Dec 20, first posted Nov 18

So the next part of me trying to fix the bullshit in my brain creativity-wise was to post the first chapter to this fic. This is a piece I’ve been working on since 2016-2017 (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was pre-TLJ, and I’ve gotten a new computer since so I don’t have the original creation date of the document) but I could just... never get a plot together for it and ever since I abandoned a fic in my old fandom (and this year I finally posted the ‘sorry this isn’t getting finished, here’s a closure summary’ chapter), I’ve been hesitant to post WIPs before being at least 80% done. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna post this and not be scared. Is this fic complete? Nope, but the plan is starting to come together. Do I know exactly where it’s going? Nope, but I don’t need to. Is it self-indulgent as all hell? Absolutely. I love this fic and I love this story and I love the concepts within it. So I posted it and tbh, it really helped. And I think this, combined with my writing break where I drew for 31 days straight lmao were really my saving graces here

Test Run, 3661 words, posted Dec 31

And now my final fic of the year! Which is a ship I honestly wasn’t super into (I don’t hate it, it just generally doesn’t do much for me) but then I did that thing where I thought ‘hmm but could it be written in a way that I am into?’ which, in my experience, always leads to me writing exactly that. Which is what I did here lmao. I’m pretty happy with it though and despite it being very strange to write, as I really had to work to get these two to get where they were going lmao, I had fun with it. I honestly doubt I’ll write more of them, but I’m glad I wrote this one, and I think it’s a good experiment to close out the year with

What have I learned?

Honestly, this year was a clusterfuck lmao. 2019 wasn’t great for me either, but we all lived through this and it was certainly An Experience. I think what this year really helped me focus on was what made me happy. I ended up in some dark places and I don’t want to go there again. It feels repetitive to say that, once again, I have learned that writing what I want is key when I say that every damn year, but tbh I think 2020 underscored it even more so. Spite as a motivator, when used to much, smothers the spark of creativity and the joy of creation. The most important lesson I learned this year by far is to not let that take the driver’s seat. A dash here and there? That’s fine. But as your main motivator? That’s just not healthy. And I need to work to keep it from consuming me like it has been for too long

Goals for 2021?

So last year I didn’t set any hard goals and boy, is it a good thing I didn’t, cause I achieved none of them lmao. I didn’t write more words (though I did write more individual fics, and the word count gap between this year and last is about the size of the difference between a big bang fic and a mini bang fic so really, I think I did okay), I didn’t even write a single fic for BTHB, and, to be really honest, I did not manage to keep my love for writing alive the whole time. I was in a really dark place a few times this year, but that drop in Sep-Oct was the worst from a creative standpoint. I feel like I’m mostly out of it now, even if I still have some work to do maintaining it. I’m hopeful for the future in that regard. The only thing I really did accomplish was that I feel positively towards all the fics I wrote; I’m happy and proud of all of them

So what is my goal? Honestly, I feel like every year I have to relearn the lesson of ‘write what you want, have fun, be self-indulgent, fuck expectations, etc.’ and my goal this year is to not have to relearn that again, but to keep that energy and carry it with me for the whole year. I realize I may have to put some effort in there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t know what 2021 has in store, but if I can just keep my passion alive and not fall into that pit again, I’m calling it a win

[notveryglittery]

so @/dysaniadisorder​ posted this really cute zoom moxiety art and then i posted some selfies in a discord server and the reactions from that + this moxiety art got me feeling even more Fluffy than usual so here’s a very rambly au that i stream of consciousness wrote in half an hour lol 

idk about anyone else, but i had a pen pal through english class in middle school for a little while. so what if, patton and virgil meeting through being pen pals. patton's letters are as bubbly as his stories, he includes stickers on the pages and the envelope, and uses *so many* exclamation marks. virgil meanwhile, tends to write very little and mostly just in reaction to whatever patton said. because sure, the letters are sent to the school and they've been told not to give away personal information, but y'know... Just In Case.

except for one towards the end of the program, when patton really doesn't want to lose contact with virgil, so he shares his instagram. and he says no pressure of course i dont even know if you have an instagram but here it is if you ever wanna try to keep talking. and bc roman's his best friend, of course virgil has instagram (ugh). so of course he checks patton's profile. and oh *no* he's as cute as his bubbly handwriting and his stories and stickers and exclamation marks

virgil's never really mentioned this whole pen pal thing to roman, because roman's english teacher did not sign her class up for it and he knows roman would be jealous. but he made the mistake of checking patton's profile in roman's presence and if anyone's going to notice a Gay Panic™, it's roman

so of course roman grills virgil and virgil caves bc like what?? else is he gonna do?? but anyway, roman hits the follow button for virgil but then virgil throws his phone across the room and breaks it so can we get an f in the chat

meanwhile patton's studying with his step-brother logan when he gets a little chime from his phone and? oh a new instagram follow that's neat, who's [insert cool username for virgil]? except of course virgil's profile is private so patton has to follow back to see any photos. except virgil's phone is busted! bummer

cue virgil not getting a new phone for a week or two bc idk he's in trouble for breaking the old one to begin with and by the time he finally does get a new one, he totally spaces on installing instagram. so it's like a month and a half later when roman asks him why the heck he hasn't been liking roman's pictures that virgil remembers. and then he also remembers patton. *oh god patton* how could he ever forget, he is a fool, and patton probably hates him now, or he must be super worried, bc the pen pal program is over so they havent been writing and then he just disappeared off the face of the planet which?? well patton should have expected it a little because he did say it would be okay if virgil didnt want to keep in contact but *oh god patton*

virgil installs instagram and finds patton's follow request (and like 32 comments from roman demanding that virgil like his photos what kind of best friend is he smh)

and he accepts it 

and then while he's still riding his bravery high, he messages patton "hey it's virgil" and then Very Calmly sets his phone down before screaming into a pillow

meanwhile patton's busy cheering logan on at his swim meet but this does mean that he's posting all sorts of encouraging cheesy stuff to his story which means virgil is already getting a sneak peak into patton's life and wait oh my GOD is that his voice???????

virgil is very gay and he is having a Time

anyway patton also almost breaks his phone when he sees the follow request approved *and* the message!!! because lowkey , he considers virgil a pretty close friend!! he vented in some of those pen pal letters! said some things he couldn't bring himself to say to anyone else. and virgil was always so patient and kind and reminded him of all the good things to help and balance out the bad things.

so y'know, fast forward thru lots of instagram interactions. messaging each other late into the night. virgil always liking patton's photos and leaving a single "💜" comment on every one. they talk about roman - and how he's virgil's best friend and he may be dramatic and loud but he's reliable and genuine - and they talk about logan - and how patton wouldn't know anywhere near as much as he does w/out him and how they have sleepovers in the basement every saturday.

and fast forward to moving on from instagram to discord, and joining servers of fandoms they're both in. making a server for themselves + roman + logan (and *oh boy,* introducing roman and logan). sending silly memes and posts that "made me think of you", late night texting that ends with one sending the final “i guess you fell asleep, sweet dreams <3″ message, and the other sending the “oops i did, good morning <3″ message in return 

and sure, roman might post pictures on instagram of himself and virgil, but virgil's always half-in half-out of frame or he's blurry or he's looking away. and so one day, he posts a selfie in their friend server because he's just got his hair dyed purple and he's *so excited* and patton. patton didnt even have time to prepare can we get an f in the chat

there are a LOT of keysmashes and hearts lol

roman is still laughing by the time patton manages to calm down. patton sort of flat out demands for a group video call aljsdf

logan and roman, all this time obviously because they can't be out done, have already had plenty of personal voice and video calls themselves. sometimes it's just to help roman run lines or help logan study for a test. but they have been on the receiving end of patton and virgil gushing about their respective crushes so they're in full support of this tbh

so they set up a group video call that night, roman and logan like immediately muting themselves bc let's be real we all know the real reason behind this. patton is gushing about virgil and virgil's hair like, right off the bat, and virgil is slowly but surely disappearing into his hoodie and the lighting in his room isn't very good, but gosh patton is *melting* and then

and THEN

patton pauses to finally drink out of his cooling hot cocoa and virgil takes the opportunity to clear his throat and sit up a little out of his hoodie cocoon and says thank you

and y'all we thought virgil was all Gay Panic™ when he saw patton's face in photos for the first time? and then he broke his phone when roman followed patton for him?

patton does a spit take and chokes on his hot cocoa and kind of maybe shorts out his laptop ajsdkjhsf

because we gotta go full circle baby

roman disappears from view on his camera because he just rolled off the bed he's laughing so hard

you know logan definitely anticipated this, so he's been on best buy's website this whole time, ready to find laptops on sale / schedule an appointment to get patton's laptop fixed

and uuuhhhh yeah :) pen pals to friends to lovers long distance moxiety, with background probably-qpr logince because that's the Vibe i'm getting. with bonus best friends prinxiety and familial logicality!! thanks for reading :D 

[joyisntyoj]

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

 Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari. 

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~ 

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future. 

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen. 

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.

[bitter-bees]

Author Interview Tag

Thanks @an-odd-idea for the Tag!!

Name: Jace! but im happy to go by any aspect of any of my usernames

Fandoms: I’m in a BUNCH of fandoms, but so far i’ve only published irondad fics! i have a wip for Locke & Key though, and I definitely will write fics for other fandoms in the future!

Where you post: Ao3! I might upload some fics to Tumblr though, if i ever get requests.

Most popular one-shot: okay so ive only published two fics and theyre both basically one shots, though one of them has two chapters. but out of the two of them, the more popular one is my glass is still half empty (but the water’s fine)

Most popular multi-chapter fic: see above

Favorite story you’ve written so far: mmm a WIP i have is my favourite i’ve written but out of the one’s ive posted, my glass is still half empty (but the water’s fine)

Fic you were nervous to post: im not going to keep linking it but yeah, my glass is still half empty (but the water’s fine) because its the first fic ive every published and its a little angsty and i wasn’t sure how accurate it was. 

How you choose your titles: basically every fic ive every written has a title that is a lyric with brackets. like, “Get a bucket and a mop (that’s some wet ass pussy)” except i highly doubt that will ever be the title of a fic i write. who knows tho.

Do you outline: almost always! I usually just start writing when i have an idea, and then when i think of something that i want to happen later on, i write it at the top of the document, and once ive run out of writing vibes I try to map out anything i haven’t written yet

Complete: 2/2 fics on Ao3

In progress: idk all of my wips but theyre not posted lol

Coming soon/not yet started: i have 5 separate docs open rn that are all wips. and im pretty sure im missing some. but heres a list:

peter x villain!harley au (although idk if i want it to be harley or ned or someone else instead. i only have the basic structure down but it very well could be ned there instead...)

peter parker - very angsty vent hurt/comfort fic. idk if i will share

peter parker - a time travel endgame fix it 

peter parker - a memory loss fic

locke & key (scot cavendish) - 5 Times Scot (with one t) Made Someone Happy, and 1 Time Everyone Made Him Happy

Do you accept prompts: i don’t know yet? i’m still trying to find my feet in terms of writing and my place in the fic writer’s community but im willing to try it out!

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: my villain!harley (or whoever it ends up being) au!! 

tagging : @science-lings @astrum-cipher

[wiredandrewired]

Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop.  So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free.  I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here.  And talked about in random tags.  And tangents.  Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done.  In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end.  We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee).  I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system,  and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices.  Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series.  Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into.  I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.  

Mostly the story exists as  a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place.  The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that.  Lol.  Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue.   I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point.  Probably her death.  I mean the first one.  I’m not sure.  Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix.  In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her?  Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated.  Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard.   Current Status: SO many notes.  SO much infrastructure.  Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it.  One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story.  I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere. 

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself.  In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter?  And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it.  Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them.  Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck.  Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant.  Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming.  No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it.  It’s genuinely not any deeper than that.  The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission.  Ugh.  Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for.  It’s just cathartic.  Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing?  Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it.  Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family.  Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur?  Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in.   Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness.  I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again.  Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt.  It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name).  My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE.  Over ALL my fandoms.  Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still.  I have one aborted start to one entry.  That’s it.  It’s not happening.  But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,

[fizzingwizard]

Just venting about work...

At my job, we are supposed to have an hour break and an hour of prep. An hour break is generous and an hour prep is woefully inadequate, so prep bleeds into break all the time. I’ve never taken an hour break. It’s usually 10 or 15 min, 30 when I can.

However, our schedule changes daily and this break/prep time is NOT consecutive. It’s 15 min off duty here, 30 min off there, etc. Which makes getting anything done during that down time really difficult - as soon as you set up, it’s time to break down. Then you have to do it again later when your next off duty block shows up.

We are also perpetually understaffed. Most schools in our company have at least 2 of my type of class divided by age level, and at least two, but usually three, teachers per class. My school? Has 1 class of combined ages (complicating things immensely!) with three teachers, one of whom works 10-7, one who is part time and works 9:30-3, and then me, who works 9-5. This means that there are times of day when I am the only teacher of my age group around, or my coworker is, so there’s no choice but to put us on the duty schedule during those times. In other words, those are popular break times for other teachers, but we have to be on duty because there’s no one else. (It also means there’s no one to share the load for school event planning so I’m a leader for every, single. event. 1 hour of prep a day during which I have to prep, grading, cleaning, organizing, lesson planning, prop making, and event planning... HOW??)

And on top of that, I have never to my memory actually had a full 2 hours prep/break time on my schedule. Never. The longest is 1 hr 45, which is close - but that’s rare. On a regular day, it’s 1.5 hrs, or 1 hour 15 min. On days when another teacher calls out sick and we can’t get a sub, or on days when we have parent meetings or after school classes, and I have to pick up the slack, I might have 1 hour.

And on top of the top of that - meetings run long, the teacher supposed to take over for your shift before you go on break is late, etc, all these things add up and... for example, yesterday I was off literally 40 min the entire day. 10 min in the morning (was supposed to be 15, meeting ran long), 15 in the afternoon (was supposed to be 30 but the teacher who made the scheduled goofed and no one was available to cover a 30 min block, so me and another teacher split it), and 15 min in the afternoon (again was supposed to be 30 but the teachers supposed to take over my duty showed up 15 min late because her class had run long).

And that’s the end of a week of days just like that - only one day this week did I have a normal off duty schedule, and three times during the week I was on duty for 2 hours non stop in the afternoon (a shift that is not coveted!)

Whether normal or crunch time, I am on my feet all day. My legs ache so much at the end of the day. I look after really young kids who need a lot of supervision, and if I so much as look away to sneeze at the wrong time, it could spell disaster. It’s really hard sometimes. I joke that right now I’m working harder at this job than at any other yet getting paid the least of any job I’ve had - but it’s not really a joke. That is the situation. In spite of that, I like this job soooo much more than my others. I am an involved teacher and have a close daily relationship with all my kids. I love that I’m the one who can calm them down. I love joking and playing with them. I love planning our activities and lessons. If you asked me even a couple years ago whether I’d ever want to teach this age long term, I’d have said no. Now, I’m finding it so fulfilling every day.

As you might imagine, I work overtime a lot. TBH, I should be doing it even more, for better quality. But I also have 1.5 hour commute that is sometimes 2 hours especially in the evening, and I tend to pass out after dinner so. I find it difficult to feel like I’m not already working really hard. But there’s always something left to do. It drives me crazy. I worried that it was just me, but my coworkers as well are feeling this way.

We were told that we were going to get a new teacher to help with the burden. They were supposed to come in September... then October... now it’s mid-Sep and we have heard absolutely nothing. They should be showing up for training if they’re going to start in October. We area all extremely skeptical. My personal take is, the company didn’t budget for hiring new teachers during the year at all... we have another teacher going on maternity leave so she needs a replacement, and our situation might be tight, but it’s not as impossible as not having a teacher at all. So that’s how things stand at the moment.

So that’s all stressful but mostly exhausting. I feel like the stress is a lot less than it was when I started the job (thank goodness) and that gives me confidence. But what I really need is to cut down on the exhaustion. I want to spend more time with my bf on the weekends but I tend to drag myself out to see him because I’m so tired. I want to go on hikes but my feet hurt every day. I’ve always been a homebody and an introvert so it’s not like I was super active before, but I definitely did more on my own volition, and most of all, I wasn’t so damn tired. (I mean, I’m also not 20 anymore x’D gotta factor that in too...)

Anyway, as bad as I feel sometimes... I also feel like I can’t complain. Because my schedule probably isn’t as bad as some others. For example, my Japanese coworkers are required to work an hour longer than me. I believe they also get paid less (paid less for more work - international teachers in Japan, this is very often the case for your Japanese coworkers! It was like that at my previous job as well. I don’t know what the reason is - they work a lot of overtime too that they don’t get paid for - they do sometimes get sizable bonuses that some say make up for the salary difference but... idk, it’s all sketchy and weird). So if I complain about my salary, it feels selfish, even though the salary I’m getting is barely sustainable for me as someone who lives alone with no dependents. And if I complain about the amount of time I work or the amount of responsibilities I have, there are people with more of both. Even if coworkers would agree with me, I feel like it’s only gonna make me look weak if I voice my complaints.

Things I love about my job - all the things I mentioned before about my students, as well as the fact that my coworkers are upbeat and team players and very helpful. We all support each other a lot. There’s no brow-beating if you have to stay home sick. It sucks - it does - because of being understaffed, but no one talks badly about you like in some other jobs I’ve had here in Japan. We don’t get sick leave, but at least people understand that sickness is a thing that happens. Generally I feel respected and like I can respect my coworkers. And I feel like everyone really cares about the kids and wants to give them a great school experience. We’re not just coasting by. It’s helped me to think a lot about the importance of work culture. I feel encouraged and inspired to do more for my students because others around me are doing the same with theirs. It’s so different from the eikaiwa where no one really gave a damn about anything. (Except the managers, about money.)

That’s why I don’t want to leave. I wish I could go into every detail because there are sooo many other things driving me up the wall every day that seem like they should never have happened or should be high on the to-fix list... but the to-fix list is extremely long. And it means something to me that, in spite of all that, I still like it here and want to stay. Like, that means something’s going very right, in spite of all the wrong.

And adulthood really is just being tired all the time, I think that’s true for all adults unless you’re just really blessed with an abundance of energy. Caffeine is popular for a reason. It is the hardest pill for me to swallow because everyone seems to expect me to have all these interesting things to say and I’m like, “I just work, eat, and sleep... "

We had a part-time worker in the spring who unfortunately quit. While she was there things were sooo much more manageable. Just one part time worker... If my job could just give us that, I would be so much happier. But it seems like asking too much. I wish I had a coworker to talk to and share opinions but I’m worried about that being seen as weak or selfish thing. You never know what they’ll say at a performance review. (Not that we get those. When you can’t afford to hire anyone new, you can’t really afford to fire over small things either.)

Bah!

[daedalusdavinci]

1, 3, 5, 6, 10, 11, 13, 16, 20, 23, 24

send an ask: get to know your author

good god dirt. ok, putting this under the cut bc holy shit

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

yeah, definitely. theres some longer ideas i have for batman fics that i dont wanna commit to yet, largely because im still learning how to write characters with did and im still fresh into comics, and i want to read more comics before i start writing a character im not as familiar with, yknow? like, i feel like i really need to read more stuff w the arrow fam and the bat fam especially before i go just saying things lol

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

chronological babey. i take it one chapter at a time. sometimes if im frustrated ill skip ahead a little bit or leave it as a rough draft and fix it later while i move on, but thats not especially common for me

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

answered!

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

id make level 2 shorter. i wrote so much for it i dont wanna just not post the whole thing but i really dont like the second half as much. i think id also make ammfh more playful and less. personal. there wasnt as much emphasis on john being a trickster as i originally wanted and instead i spent more time like venting through the fic which feels. very exposed and strange now

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

i usually write w music or white noise in the background depending on how much focus i have! thats why some fics have white noise generators recommended in the notes

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

ah jeez idk. i think i might be better at the flowery stuff and just like wording things? getting the right vibe down yknow

13) your strengths as an author

i think ive always had pretty strong dialogue. ive gotten better obviously, but its always been one of the easier parts of writing

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

answered!

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

a mix tbh. depends on how much time/focus/motivation i have yknow? like sometimes ill pump out 5k in one day and sometimes ill just write a sentence or two before bed. all depends

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

i guess rping lol idk being a fmst major i think helps me tackle more sensitive issues in my writing better maybe?

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

see. i have absolutely googled weird obscure knowledge for a story. however. the moment i finish writing it it leaves my brain again. nothing sticks. also i have a healthy appreciation for "no one gives a shit it doesnt matter" and i will just throw guns in a fantasy setting bc i dont care and cant be assed to do research. its fan fiction not brain science. pay me if you want better quality