#i used to reread that fic RELIGIOUSLY when i first found it

[idkmanusernamesarehard]

YES YES YES ONLY ONE OF THE GREATEST SHIZAYA FICS IVE EVER CAME ACROSS

um so anyone else read a cheap imitation

[nervoushottee]

Good Trouble | Frankie x Fem!Reader x Santiago Fic

Summary: You and the Miller brothers have known each other since childhood. But the years go by and time moves on and the three of you are grown up. But what happens when they come home to visit and the two friends they bring along with them catch your eye??

WARNINGS: Have no military knowledge whatsoever so none of this accurate I’m sure. Really just writing for the boys. So please don’t take offense if any of it is wrong. Also bad parents

NOTE: This fic was 1000% inspired by @astroboots Homecoming Universe. I can’t explain how many times I’ve reread that ENTIRE series and I truly love it. I can’t picture Frankie without Santi now and vice versa. Truly a work of art. PLEASE READ IT

[2k? And some change] (Might make a Smut Part 2??)

NOT EDITED, We die like the horny sluts we are.

————————————————————————

You, Will and Benny were like three peas in the pod. Having grown up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same church when your family felt religious, even went to the same high school together. You and Benny were around the same age, graduated in the same year a few years after Will did.

You and Will were close, he was the brotherly comfort you always wanted and needed. He looked after you as if you were just another sibling. Always around, always here for you. Do you need a ride somewhere? He’s there. There’s a rat you found in your parents garage? Lock the door, scream into the phone about the small animal and he’s there with a bucket and a shovel.

You confided in him about things even Benny never knew and at times, he did too. You loved each other, a calm and quiet love that you would forever cherish.

You and Benny were an entirely different story. When Will brought out the peace and slowness out of you. Benny brought the fire and chaos. You had it in you always, especially with how strict your parents were growing up. Only allowing you to go to school and back or to Will and Benny’s. Fearful that their only daughter would get corrupted by the world and influenced by others. But what your parents didn’t know was that Benny was simply the amplifier of your chaos. The younger brother of sweet and calm Will had to be just like him right?

Going into high school, that’s when it finally snapped. Too many years of being obedient, too many years of being compliant. You were antsy and full of anger and energy. And Benny, he grew into a 6ft 3 firecracker who always got in trouble at school. One night, you told your parents you were going to a party and it didn’t end well. Involving in you slamming your bedroom door, locking it with a chair pushed against the knob. You sat on your bed legs shaking full of anxiety and frustration. You grab your phone and dial Will’s number. Will who had just got a car in his senior year.

You muttered words of wanting to get away from your parents for a bit, that he couldn’t use the front door. He told you he’d be there in 20. He got in there in 10.

You grabbed a small bag with a few clothes and toiletries having know idea what you were doing. All you knew is that you needed to get out of there.

Benny helped you out your bedroom window and the two of you run out to Will small sedan he had bought with a good hard working at multiple jobs and the leftover amount his dad and had helped pay.

That night was the first time of many were you finally let yourself loose. It was stupid to “runaway” over a party. But to be locked up away and feel like you can hardly breathe, that felt like the last straw.

Your late teens were filled with you and Benny being mischievous and chaotic. So many detentions, missing school, sneaking out. Will tried to intervene like his mom asked but he wanted you and his brother to have fun. For you two to be youthful and enjoy your times together.

But then, Will announced he was going to enlist. Wanting to follow off his dad’s footsteps and fight for his country. His mother didn’t agree with it from the start. You either. Their father was hesitant on his response, telling him it was his decision but to know and understand what he was going to do.

You hated him for it. You know you shouldn’t but it was better than feeling sad for Will to go. He told you Benny would still be here and he’d see the two of you graduate. But you knew, the minute after graduation Benny would take the first opportunity to join him.

Benny always looked up to his brother, always wanted to make him proud. More than his own father. And when graduation turned around, the two of you in royal blue caps and gowns with bright smiles on your face, Benny enlisted a week after.

You got accepted into the only college you applied for. The college you put all your cards on to get you out of your parents house as fast as you could. It was in another state, smack down in the city of Chicago. Ben and their parents helped you move. You went up many stairs, Benny’s hands full of overpriced college items that you wouldn’t need later on in the semester. Every opportunity May got she brought up the opportunity for Ben to just go to college instead of enlisting. But Ben was sure, once he set his mind on something he wouldn't do anything else.

That day was the last time you saw him in a while. You hugged him so tightly, tears staining his white t shirt. He wrapped his arms around your shoulder, he towered over you with his tall frame. From strangers the both of you looked like a couple. And if Ben ever had the courage to tell you, you probably could have been. But you held onto holding him tighter and hearing him whisper that he'd be back soon.

Throughout your years of college, Benny and Will would come home whenever they were able to. Will helped you and your roommate find an apartment to get you out of the college dorm rooms. You were done with doing communal showers. The apartment was okay? Decent enough and cheap enough to live in a good area and close to the school. But you spent most of your time working at the diner to pay for rent. The visits home to see the Miller family was sporadic. Getting letters from your boys writing on slips of paper you would read on your break.

You and Benny started to grow apart. Which wasn’t a surprise. Two of you were peas in a pod. From being close in age and close in general. From talking everyday to almost a few weeks to a month. You didn’t blame him either (you did a little), the military wasn’t a walk in the park.

Then one day, Benny calls you, saying him and Will were going to visit but he would bring a few of his friends. And that’s when you meet Frankie and Santiago.

Frankie. Who had such a quiet yet confident demeanor. A cap on his head, his brown curls peaking through beneath. Your eyes lit up at the sight of him and it couldn’t help but linger for a second before you were introduced to Santi.

Santiago. Who burned with smugness and confidence. Eyes low as he stared down at you with a smirk. His gray shirt emphasizing his toned muscles of his chest and arms. Wit and humor flowing off his tongue the minute he got into the diner.

“This is who you two are always running off too?” He say playfully as the four them sit at the booth bar. The two of you shake hands which turns into a hug as Santiago pulls you into a soft rocking embrace. ( You were happy for the extra blush you applied that morning).

You could feel Frankie’s eyes on the two of you after you released from the hug. And almost as if you could read the man in front of you (who you just met), he could tell too. Your body warmed at the feeling.

You asked them their names to make sure you got them correctly before taking their order. Frankie hesitated a few times, asking what certain dishes were made with what just to spend more time talking to you. You smiled and would tell him your eyes never leaving his.

Frankie was quiet, even with when he introduced himself. Giving you a small nod of his cap and a warm smile. He didn’t speak much but his eyes told you everything.

Santi (that’s what he told you to call him), would not let up on his flirtatious jokes. They were subtle and small. They were just enough for you to know that he was feeling something towards you.

Just enough that Benny and surprisingly Will didn’t catch up on it yet.

It was almost funny how quick you could read off of the two of them from simply your first meeting.

You felt it in your bones that the two of them was going to be trouble. A good trouble that you would want to continue getting into if they let you. You ignored Will’s ever so persistent eyes on you, you knew that he knew something was off but wouldn’t say it unless he was 100% sure and even then he still wouldn’t. That man never missed a beat of anything. Benny and Santiago chatting you up about something that happened back on base that has you chuckling a few times. Frankie keeping to himself, quiet and adding a few comments here and there.

You could see the small touches between Frankie and Santiago since the two of them sat down. They were very small and it was like looking through a magnifying glass to see them. But now it was clear as day to you. How all four of them sat at the diner stools in a row. The two of them are right next to each other. Arms brushing against one another in a way that felt more intimate than accident.

When the four men finished eating you had them the bill and expertly slipping your number into Frankie’s pocket. (He saw you writing the number down 5 minutes ago and let you put it in his locked without you knowing). Knowing if you just handed it to him for all eyes to see that you wouldn’t hear the end of it from Benny.

Benny hated all of your partners. And granted most of the time the people you got with werent that great and had a good amount of red flags. But Benny would always have something to say regardless and you hated it.

So of course he would throw more than just a fit if he saw you handing your number to not one but both of his friends he introduced to you only just that day.

Santiago was a bit more tricky. You couldn’t slip it to him secretly without alerting Benny so you failed to give it to him. The four of them waved goodbye before both Will and Benny gave you a hug and exited out the diner as it was about to close. Only one or two stragglers left in the whole building. You see Frankie and Santi talking amongst themselves outside the diner looking at you as the Miller brothers walked outside to join them.

You get to tidying up since it’s your turn to close, wiping tables and stacking up chairs. When you’re sweeping in the moonlit room is when you see it.

A black wallet on the black and white checkered floor. You pick up to expect the license and your heart stops when you see it’s Santiago’s.

You have no clue if he left here on purpose or on accident but you smile to yourself as you stuff it into your bag before locking up for the night.

Walking back to your apartment, your phone buzzes once your at your front door, keys in hand.

Frankie: Check your apron pocket.

You look at your phone confused at the message. Wondering why that is the first thing he texts you but reach into your pocket all the same. Your hand is met with a small receipt that you knew wasn’t in there before the start of your shift.

You pull your hand out to see a ripped piece of paper with both Santi and Frankie’s phone number on it.

You knew they were going to be trouble.

Good trouble.

[cchickki]

"About the Blogger" Meme

Thanks for tagging me @currymanganese! ❤️ sorry i'm doing this super late ugh

Star Sign(s):

virgo sun, pisces moon, capricorn rising (i can list my entire chart if anyone is interested lol)

Favorite Holidays:

i'm not religious but i absolutely love christmas. my favorite time of year and favorite holiday. i get depressed whenever it's over and i have to take the decorations down.

Last Meal:

i think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. i was craving it lol

Current Favorite Musician:

lana del rey and kendrick lamar! i listen to a lot of music and all different genres, but those are my go to. there's something about fantastic writing/wordplay and production across both of their genres that just inspires me and transports me to a different place when i listen.

if anyone is interested, my spotify profile is here: (x)

When the Tigers Broke Free by Pink Floyd

The Wall is one of my favorite albums!

Last Movie Watched:

Everything Everywhere All At Once

i'm so glad i finally got to watch this movie, it was incredible. although watching it with my boomer dad at parts was awkward (aka the butt plug part lmaoooo)

Last TV Show Watched:

oh man, still trying to finish Succession, my husband is dragging his feet with it even though we both are enjoying it. finished The Boys almost 2 months ago, need to start Gen V soon. i'm bad at finishing shows, unless they're mini series.

Last Book/Fic Finished:

i recently reread Concrete Rose by Angie Thomas, the prequel to The Hate U Give. i haven't finished any of my fics in awhile, except for the two mini requests from my friend @chrissymodi-frost.

Last Book/Fic Abandoned:

oh boy... i've got quite a few i'm struggling to get through... just look at my ao3 and you can see how bad my writer's block has gotten lately :(

Currently Reading:

rereading The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas <3

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation:

i graduated in may 2023 with my art history degree, so i was deep into ancient egyptian history and art, and had to write a hefty 20 page paper on german painter Albrecht Dürer. my most recent hyperfixation was the uncharted games again, so while writing i was researching the Hoysala empire

Favorite Online Fandom Memory:

first joining tumblr and meeting so many friends on here. but i'll tell you back in 2013 when the citadel dlc for mass effect launched, that was an incredible build up and very fun few months.

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence:

not really an "old" fandom, but i was HEAVY into spiderverse over the summer, met some great mutuals through it. i still spiderverse, but don't feel as fixated with it at the moment. the fandom was kind of annoying with some people's think pieces, not gonna lie, and kind of turned a few of us off from it. i'm sure it'll have another "resurgence" when the next movie Beyond the Spiderverse comes out!

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did:

most recently the movie The Creator! movie was so visually stunning, with great/powerful themes, and one of my favorite tropes: found family (kinda) with a father/daughter dynamic. not enough people liked it/saw it which sucks, so the fandom is pretty much non existent for it. i want more art and fanfics from it! i'm going to be buying it soon, that way i can get inspirited and hopefully create more for it!

Tempting Project You're Trying to Reign In/Don't Have Time For:

i was working on creating a real-life version of nate's notebook from uncharted 4. it's taking a lot of time, and is quite an undertaking so i had to take a break from it. i do want to continue it though!

no pressure tags (sorry if you were already tagged!): @mothertodaughters, @chrissymodi-frost. @malabadspice, @not-those-kids, @durrtydawg, @lilylavender, @lilsnatch, @libertatias, @xinamiguel, @georgieluz, @distantsonata, @soft-girl-musings (and anyone else who wants to! sorry i'm trying to remember all my moots tumblr names)

[sydneyscarm]

“about the blogger” meme

thank you to @bioloyg for tagging me :)

y’all don’t really know me so this’ll b fun

star signs: aquarius sun, gemini moon, capricorn rising,,, two air signs in my big three might scare u but trust my chart is earth dominant!!!! i promise!!!!

fav holiday: i love christmas! im not particularly religious, and i don’t consider myself christian or catholic like when i was a child, but i love the lights and the music and the gift-giving and general holiday cheer

last meal: lol i think i had a joint for dinner last night honestly. just forgot to eat and went straight to bed after smoking. i’m about to eat filipino spaghetti for breakfast though

current fav musician: faye webster (specifically jonny rn) and beyonce (all of renaissance has been on repeat since its release) and victoria monet (all of jaguar II is insane, grammy sweep i just know it)

last music listened to: probably ctrl (deluxe) by sza on my way home from work last night

last movie watched: taken, that action movie with liam neeson lmfao. but if we’re talkin movie theater viewing, it was the ballad of songbirds and snakes

last tv watched: i’ve been rewatching s2 of bridgerton. kate & anthony the couple that you are.

last book/fic finished: the last book was catching fire (i was rereading thg like the rest of the world) and the last fic i read was an unfinished sydcarmy fic i found literally an hour ago called all things go (all things go) everyone should read it, very good.

last book/fic abandoned: last book i abandoned was speak, okinawa. it’s a memoir about an asian girl’s struggling relationship with her mother and her culture. very good (and relatable) but extremely heavy so i took a pause on it.

currently reading: thg resurgence so i’m reading the ballad of songbirds and snakes, i didn’t get to finish it before watching the movie and i keep getting caught up so it’s taking forever to finish, but im almost done w it

last thing researched for art/writing: i haven’t full-fledged written for fandom in probably years. but i used to research a lot of fighting techniques cause i was deep in the my hero academia brain rot LMFAO

fav online fandom memory: i mostly inhabited twitter fandom spaces so in 2020 i was placed in a ship gc and i met one of my best friends on there <3 so i think that would be it

fav old fandom you wish would have a resurgence: the show is quite shit and not good at all but, for nostalgia reasons, i would love to see fairy tail (anime) have a resurgence. i bet the fics would be soooo top tier compared to when i was like 9 and reading fics on wattpad and ffnet

fav thing you enjoy that never had an active or big “fandom” but you wish it did: this is more to do w me being interested in things once hype dies down and less to do with a fandom actually being active or big, but i absolutely devoured s2 of bridgerton when i first saw it. and i read every single fic in that kathony tag.

tempting project you’re trying to reign in/don’t have time for: i don’t really write anymore and have stuck to silly posts and headcanon threads but i’ve had a pride and prejudice sydcarmy au stuck in my head for a couple days

this was fun now u know some of my life!!! im pretty sure @bioloyg tagged everyone that i come across in this fandom so ive got no one WHOMP but feel free to do this if u see it 😛

[wetcatspellcaster]

I deeply apologize for the amount of spam I've just given you. While I'm here I have thoughts:

1. One of my literal writing inspirations doesn't think they're good at writing??????? What type of dark twist of faith is this????????? I literally think about your writing all the time it's so good. I reread it religiously and gain new knowledge. I recent reread the latest chapter of an honest lie and had my eyes opened further to the greatness that was that chapter. I am OFFENDED on your behalf.

Literally you're writing reminded me of my favorite book series of all time, the folk of air, and I was so delighted when I found out you've read it too. (Cardan and pieces!Astarion would think they are the same and shake hands, and then Cardan would be like "anyway so that's why I became a better person" and Astarion would start hissing. Also Jude would break Astarion in half. I'm sorry ik he's like Ascended or whatever but Jude would destroy his ass.)

I say it reminded me of it because you too have such a great upstanding of character, dialogue, and misdirection. Which doesn't mean you lie to the reader, but more that characters make assumptions with the facts given to them, and we as readers have to sort of take ourselves out of their head and view the facts objectively. If you listen blindly to Rose, you will be more blindsided and confused than of you think critically. Like, the idea that beta Astarion actually likes her is Very obvious even from the first chapter but it takes her a good while to really click that in her head because well from her pov it makes more sense that he hates her. GAHH ITS JUST???? UGH. UGH!!!!! ITS SO GOOD

2. I totally plan on book binding Pieces when it's finished. Probably party favors too. Like all of your writing is so good but pieces is so ambitious and it is so rewarding. Stories like this often struggle to reinvent themselves after revelations and the climax (or toward the end of the rising action), but Pieces has managed to keep its identity and change at the same time. While the story is not the same as it was when it started, I'm reading it for the same reasons. And this is doubly hard with dark romance. Dark romance is hard to write because a dynamic like that HAS to have a resolution, whether it be one party giving in or one party acting out. And often dark romances struggle to reach this esolution gracefully, but the direction pieces is going is so good. It's so intentional. I'm insane. YOURE INSANE.

3. I am LIVING for the ACU (astartion cinematic universe) like each story on it's own? Amazing. Lovely. The stories together??? Wretched. Painful. Delicious.

4. I'm happy things went well with your surgery!! Wishing you a speedy recovery.

5. Obligatory take your time with updates, there's no rush. The strong among us shall survive the winter and flourish in the springtime.

Oh God, this got long. Oops! Have a nice day!

hello lovely! thank you for the message, and the extensive tumblr blog peer review 😌😌😌😌 no one is ever going to complain about activity on their blog, we live under the Sway of Statistics :')

unfortunately, either I'm a cesspit of self esteem, or (equally likely) if you were to do a survey of all your favourite fic authors, around 8 out of 10 would express concerns/dissatisfaction with certain parts of their writing. we spend the longest time with our work so that even the things we're proud of become a little taken for gratned, we see all the things we executed different than we planned, and even if we're happy with the final draft the first draft Haunts Our Dreams. I am very happy with a lot of my fic and at this point in this unexpected "oh shit, people like me now" boom I can't exactly pretend it's not successful, but I can and will always see my areas for improvement! I always really love the moment after a project is done where I can go back to the fic and read it again with fresh eyes, and actually appreciate it for what it is! right now, I'm in the trenches lmao.

Though I think the final book fumbled it's execution (I was happy with the 'make each other worse' energy of books 1 and 2, trying to pretend Cardan wasn't a bully wasn't it for me, especially because by that time Jude was on his level), The Cruel Prince is one of my favourite series, so thank you for the comparison!

Book binding is and will always be fine with me, I am very jealous of those with The Skill and still reeling over the idea that anyone wants to do that work with my writing :)

Thank you for the compliment about the development of Pieces and the pacing! I don't read much Dark Romance, but I have noticed some issues in the manga/webtoons I read that seems similar to what you're describing. For me, I'm a big fan of the kind of heroine/villain pairing where everyone's thirsty but no one's moral compasses are budging even an inch, so the people involved have to just glare at each other with lust and hatred, and then go to the privacy of their own home for a morally correct, guilt-free wank lmao. That's the kind of dynamic the story has been serving the whole time, and what it means is that if you ever want them to finally get together, something seismic has to shift - hence the end of Act 2. Luckily for me, I feel like there's room for the kind of interpretation in the Ascendency ending that can give me the artistic license to make that change! It's my genuine hope that people feel sympathy for both Astarion's soul AND the Vampire Ascendent by the end... we'll see soon whether I hit those beats or not lmao.

Idk if I'll do the plot behind Pieces justice yet (I say, hyperventilating in my gdocs) but what I have is an outline I've kept since the beginning, and occasionally elaborated on (I realised a new plot point last night, very exciting times for me) but otherwise stuck to religiously. Some commenters and some wider canon revelations (e.g. the epilogue being released) have not changed it, I've deliberated over doing that in the past but ultimately decided I'd rather have an ending I've planned for from the beginning than swerve and change course halfway through and undermine the delivery! I am hoping, like you say, this will make the conclusion rewarding, because it's foreshadowed from about Chapter 2? It might not be the most perfect or even most original story as a result, but I'm hoping it feels like the groundwork has been laid, and that there's an equal mix of surprises and things people can see coming from the very beginning. It is, indeed, intentional, so that's a nice word to use to describe it, thank you! :)

The curse of concurrent WIPs is a joke I've played on myself. The fact that I had to write a Pieces scene that foreshadows but doesn't ruin the Act 3 conflicts of my canon-playthrough fic is so stupid, I have clowned myself specifically :'))))))

Thank you for the well wishes! Recovery is going well. Idk when updates will happen or with what speed I'll finish the fic, but the good news for readers is I'm autistic, hyperfixated, and an introvert 😌😌 as such, I tend to update things pretty regularly lmao

[screadingchallenge]

Behind the Keyboard Volume 31

Behind the Keyboard is a series of interviews with different Schitt’s Creek fanfic authors. The series will last as long as there is interest (from authors) and capacity (from me). If you are an author from the Schitt’s Creek fandom who would like to participate, send a DM to this account.  

Each author was given ten questions. The first five questions are the same for every author, the last five will vary.

Let’s meet our next author:

@delilah-mcmuffin / delilahmcmuffin

How many fics have you written?

90 in the SC fandom. 30 in a precious fandom a long, long time ago. 

When did you publish your first fic on AO3?

August 15, 2019

Describe your writing process from “Oh, I have an idea” to pushing publish on AO3.

My writing process has changed from the beginning. I used to just get an idea that wouldn’t leave me alone and start writing, look it over for obvious errors, then hit the old “Post” button. I started using outlines when I wrote my Stranger Than Fiction AU because it was so complex, and found that I couldn’t really go back to just writing with no guideline anymore. Most of my fics (except for prompt fills) are outlined now. Not that I stuck to them religiously but just like having an idea of where things are going so I don’t paint myself into a corner as much anymore. So I outline and I get feedback on that from a few people, then I start writing. I’m a very anxious writer, requiring lots of validation and head pats and I am lucky enough to have some very patient friends who are willing to put up with my neediness! 

Tell me about your most recent fic? What do you love about it? Is there anything you think you could have done better?

My most recent fic was a teensy little prompt fill, and the one before that was a birthday gift for a friend which I’m still debating whether to add a second chapter to. So I’m going to go back to my third most recent fic [Editor's note: Until You Can Love Yourself Again] which was an introspective look at David’s anxieties about his appearance after Patrick makes the “he goes to the gym” comment about Ted. I really like how the story turned out, but there are always things I’d like to tinker with after the fact. I rarely do, aside from fixing grammatical errors that I’ve caught on a reread. I generally fret and worry as I’m writing, letting trusted friends have a look throughout the writing process to keep me on task and also give me honest feedback on whether I’m on the right track or if I need to rethink certain phrases, plot points, or if I need to scrap an idea altogether. So by the time I actually post a fic, there’s not much of change. 

What advice would you give to someone who’s thinking about publishing their fic for the first time?

Absolutely do it! If there’s a story you desperately want to read but haven’t found, then chances are there are other people who feel the same way. So put your words out into the universe! In this fandom in particular, people are very generous with their support in the form of kudos and comments. 

How has writing fic changed you?

It’s made me more aware of how I communicate. And it’s found me a gaggle of wonderful friends, which has changed my life for the better. I’ve had some very tough times over the last few years and I can honestly say I would not have made it through without some of the very important friendships I’ve made. 

What does a successful fic look like to you?

For me, I feel like something I’ve written is successful when someone says it’s moved them in some way. It has nothing to do with the number of kudos or hits (although they are very lovely and I appreciate them immensely). But when someone comments that something I’ve written made them laugh or cry or shoot coffee out their nose…yeah. That’s a great feeling. But success is also about telling a story that I want to tell in a way that I think only I can tell it. I’ve written fics that maybe haven’t been super popular, but they meant something to me and I’m proud that I’ve put them out into the world. 

Do you think your fics have a brand? What is it?

Is second hand embarrassment a brand? If so, I think that’s probably pretty accurate! In all honestly, I think my brand is humour, through the good times and the bad. I wrote a fic that was very much about loss and heartbreak, but I was very conscious that there needed to be little pockets of levity sprinkled throughout the story so it didn’t get pulled under by it’s own weight. Everything I write has at least a little cheeky humour in it. And sometimes my fics are just pure nonsense. So. Yes. Humour. It me. 

Fill in the blank. You couldn't pay me enough money to write: non-con/dub-con. David & Patrick having a kid together. I also don’t really write BDSM but that’s not because I have any issue with it. I just think there are other writers out there who can do it much better than I ever could. 

What is the favorite scene you’ve ever written?

Oh my gosh. That’s like asking me to pick my favourite child! One that comes immediately to mind is a prompt fill I did where Stevie and Patrick talk about sex. That was the prompt. I decided to have them do it while drunk and they ended up talking about David’s dick and Patrick was very put out that it wasn’t at the top of Stevie’s list of best dicks—was just in the top ten. At the time, I remember thinking “this is too much. It’s too ridiculous. I’ve finally jumped the shark.” But the responses I got were so fantastic! I had the same feeling about the car scene with Clint and Marcy in my broken bed fic. But again, I was surprised by the response and I love it!

[theoldguard-recs]

Hi. Do you have any fic with Joe and Nicky as parents?

Hi there! Mod: CactusDragon517 here! I got really excited the other day when I saw your ask because I LOVE AUS so much and I had one that IMMEDIATELY came to mind. As ever, please mind any and all author tags for any fic we recommend. I hope you like the ones I’ve linked here!

All on my own by TerresDeBrume

Closing his eyes, Niccolò leans his head back against the sofa and  wonders how today went to shit so fast. They were supposed to have a  nice day together. Celebrate their first anniversary with Sébastien by  having him finally meet Andy and Quynh in person—Yusuf’s parents usually   aren’t free this time of the year, but they’re coming to visit during   Sébastien’s Christmas break. There was going to be Niccolò’s best   risotto and an apple cake, and it was going to be great. Instead, now,   they have this.

Or: the Al-Kaysani-Genovesi-Le Livre household's very harrowing day.

Tags: Alternate Universe: Modern setting, Kid fic, depression, past depression, past religious extremism,  Kid Booker | Sébastien Le Livre, happy ending, found family, suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempt (offscreen) Pairings: Joe/Nicky, Andy/Quynh Rating: Teen and up Word Count: 20,114 Why I love it: So! I know that those tags are probably not what you expect to see on a kid fic rec post but hear me out: The way that TerresDeBrume writes kid!Booker is marvelous, especially a kid with these big heavy feelings. This AU is dense and layered and every single time I read it, I gain something new from it. Please mind the tags and the end notes, as they are relevant, but I think this fic is such a fascinating world and such a beautifully wrought snapshot of a family that’s as complicated and complex as the one we see in the movie. @terresdebrume is on tumblr as well and has written a couple of other fics for The Old Guard!

Fireproof by goldheartedsky

Nicky’s life is currently balanced like a house of cards. Sure, he’s a twenty five year old single dad, working fifty hours a week minimum wage to support his six year old son, and lives on a steady diet of coffee and day-old donuts, but he’s happy. He loves his life more than anything in the world and wouldn’t change a thing.

Until his hot new neighbor Joe moves in across the hall and it all comes crashing down.

Tags: Alternate Universe: Modern Setting, single dad Nicky, Artist Joe, friends to lovers, parental bonding, first kiss, emotional baggage, emotional hurt/comfort, found family, trust issues, happy ending Pairings: Joe/Nicky, Andy/Quynh Rating: Teen and Up Word Count: 56,632 Why I Love It: OKAY, CONFESSION TIME: I haven’t finished reading this fic. I keep meaning to but real life really dealt me a sucker punch at the end of 2020 (and, y’know, a large part of winter 2021) and I lost track. HOWEVER. I read the first 5 or 6 chapters and was captivated because I cannot tell you how few times I have read and felt the struggle of being a single parent the way that goldheartedsky writes it. Nicky’s struggles are so real and so realized that it’s gorgeous. It feels...gritty, in a way. I’ve started rereading it and I love how the interplay between all the characters feels like a quilt just coming together. SO while I haven’t read the whole thing (imagine my delight to see it’s (A) finished and (B) THERE’S A SECOND ONE??!!), I do think that this is a gorgeous read, just from what I read of the beginning. @goldheartedsky is on tumblr and has written other fics for The Old Guard!

Between Us Two by mehm

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Nicky says.

“Okay, sure,” Joe says, looking like he’s ready to bang his head against the wall. “Because it looks like you just kidnapped our neighbour’s babies, Nicolò.”

Tags: Angst, Fluff, Introspection, angst, Kidfic Pairing: Joe/Nicky Rating: Gen Word Count: 4,820 Why I Love It: Okay, this isn’t strictly Joe and Nicky being parents, but I think that it counts because it shows what downtime for Joe and Nicky can look like at times. Nicky with his big heart and Joe with his vibrant soul deciding, we can make a difference here. It’s a sweet, sweet fic but it has some melancholy moments in the way that you would expect. My favorite way to think about this one, in particular, is thoughtful. It gives such care to how these men think about things and, in this instance, children. I could not find anywhere if mehm was on tumblr or not, but mehm has written more for The Old Guard on AO3!

A Matter of Choice by Fadagasaki

"Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice." - William Jennings Bryan.

When Paolo reaches out online for advice as a single father of his miraculous baby daughter, he receives a reply from a fellow single father living in the Netherlands.

Tags: Slow burn, single parents, Il Padre d’Italia, Hartenstraat Pairing: Paolo/Daan Rating: Teen and Up Word Count: 46,992 (and still going!) Why I Love It: Okay, okay, okay. Hear me out: I know that TECHNICALLY, this is not Joe and Nicky. I know that it may also not be what you’re looking for, but I feel like I HAVE to rec it. This fic is WONDERFUL. It’s wonderful and so well done that you don’t have to have seen either movie to understand it - single father Paolo reaches out and gets help from single father Daan. It’s incredibly slow burn but it’s so well done and I love that it feels like a facet of Joe and Nicky, to be honest. Fadagasaki does a great job of grounding it within the fandom at large and the movies themselves. My vote is to always give a chance and I hope you do! I could not find anywhere if fadagasaki is on tumblr, but they have written more for The Old Guard on AO3!

[ultimatebethylficlist]

Veteran Author of The Month: June 2021

The featured veteran author for June is also a co-admin right here at UBFL: SquishyCool (or @im-immortal )!

SquishyCool can be found on AO3 and FFN under the same penname.

When asked what got her into Bethyl and what the fandom means to her, she said:

I’ve been a hardcore TWD fan since the show began airing, but that’s because of my love for zombies. In all honesty, I didn’t really ship anyone for the first 3-4 seasons. I kind of shipped Daryl with Carol, but then it became clear that it was a platonic relationship and in all honesty, I just wanted to see them both get some action lmao. Then the prison fell... and in those first moments of “Still,” when we see Beth and Daryl running and running and finally collapsing on the ground, breathless and exhausted... the butterflies started. Something clicked and I immediately thought, “uh oh.” The rest is history, especially considering how “Still” and “Alone” played out. I can’t explain how or why I’m still so heavily invested, especially considering my last 2 fandoms only kept my attention for about 2-3 years each, but here I am. And I love it! I am so incredibly grateful for the Bethyl fandom because not only has it helped me improve my writing so much more than I ever could have imagined, but it has also introduced me to some of the most amazing people, including someone who I now consider one of my very best friends! It’s my happy place :)

For her personal fic rec list, she recommends:

In The Maw by ronsparkyspeirs

Way Down We Go by LeathernLaces

Surfacing by lindentree

Wild Things (The Moonshine Poet) by Abelina

The Gift by Feliz

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by burningupasun

New Experiences Series by wallflow3r

Whisper Softly to Me by taylorcatherine

Interstice by leftmywingshome

To Love Like a Man by Seraphique

Death, Death (i defy thee) by alamorn

In My Blood by Courtneyshortney82

Let the Good Times Roll by gutsforgarters

Resolved by Allatariel

the weight of these wings by peachthorns

all my spaces are filled with you by annabeth_writes

A Little Jailbreak with the Little Jailbait by wandering_gypsy_feet

between the beginning and the end by sheriffandsteel

SquishyCool’s Works & Personal Thoughts:

Dirty Fingernails and Dried Blood Summary: What happened during the months between "Still" and "Alone"? Beth uses the last pages of her diary to write down every detail of surviving with Daryl. Thoughts: My first Bethyl fanfic. It holds a special place in my heart for that reason, though it is pretty rough. If I could go back, I never would’ve done it entirely in first-person. But I do plan to finish it one day. There are some scenes I’m particularly proud of, and I still have a long note full of ideas and plot points.

Most Wanted Summary: After Beth’s mother and half-brother are murdered in a drug war, the godly veil on the Greene Family operation is lifted, and law enforcement comes down hard. In an effort to protect her family, Beth commits a heinous crime that could mean life in prison alongside them. Now everyone she’s ever trusted is in police custody and her only chance at freedom is to get as far away from Atlanta as she can... Thoughts: Well, this is a must-read if you like my writing. I hope to one day convert this into an original fiction and maybe get it published, but I need to finish it first LOL. I got the idea from ONE scene of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” and from there, it exploded into a huge mystery thriller (with lots of romance and smut). I’m really really proud of it, and I’m scared I’ll fuck it up tbh, so I keep putting off continuing it. But I really need to get back to it because I really want people to see what I have planned! (Also, this fic is the reason @courtneyshortney82​ started talking to me, so that alone is pretty historic lmao)

The Crow’s Song Summary: Beth and Daryl spend a few more days together in the funeral home and come to terms with all they've lost along the way. But soon, they must decide what comes next. Thoughts: This fic... this fucking fic. It took me a full year to write. I made numerous edits. I even got a little depressed while I was writing the last two chapters, and my bf didn’t know why until he read what I’d been writing lol. It’s honestly the Bethyl fic I’ve always wanted to write but just didn’t know how. I’m still really really proud of how it turned out.

Carnival Games Summary: Daryl is a traveling carnival worker and Beth is a barely legal farmer's daughter looking for a night of fun when the carnival comes to town. Thoughts: Omg this fic is so fun!! One of my first Bethyl fics, and one of my first Bethyl smut fics. Short, sweet, a little funny, and a lot hot. I am still impressed with myself on this one, especially considering how much my writing has improved since lol

Breathe. Please. Summary: Beth shows up at the Hilltop. Alive. Daryl can hardly believe his eyes. Until she's lying in his bed, an arm's reach away. And he can hear her inhaling... exhaling... inhaling... Thoughts: Another “fix-it” that I’m proud of. Tbh I didn’t think it was anything all that special, but a lot of readers have said it’s one of their favorites, and some say they reread it regularly, and nothing makes me happier than hearing that, so I am extremely proud.

picking @ scabs Summary: Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, being with them just isn't right. But what wouldn't you give for it to be right? Can someone like Daryl learn how to swallow his pride and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over? Can someone like Beth learn to fight off her demons and allow him to get close enough to hurt her again? How can they stay away from each other when it's all too easy to fall back into one another? Picking a scab will leave a scar, but they both have so many scars already... what's a few more? Thoughts: This fic is very, very personal for me. It’s like my “therapy” fic. I have poured some of my deepest feelings and struggles into its chapters, and the whole idea that got me to start it was that I wanted to find a way to navigate and cope with ending my 3-year long relationship with my emotionally/mentally/sometimes physically abusive ex. I still have a lot of fond memories from that relationship, but even more so, I have painful memories. Not to mention, going through your early 20s as a woman in the modern day is a fuckin’ trip, so this kind of explores that. It’s really self-indulgent, I think, but I’m really proud of the smut in it. And more than that, I’m proud of the response. I’ve had a few people message me or comment to say that they’ve felt all those things, or have experienced similar things, and it’s really just... relieving. I put my heart and soul out there, and what I got back was “you’re not alone.” So yeah, this fic is special. I wanna finish it soon, but I have to be in A Mood to do so. 

In Toto Corde Summary: Despite a million reasons not to, Beth and Daryl fell in love. Then he made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep all of his promises. Now, facing unimaginable consequences at the hands of witch hunters, Beth has no choice but to use her powers to bring Daryl back from the dead. "He won't be the same..." Thoughts: I LOVE THIS FIC. I love it so much that I had to rewrite it after like 4 or 5 years. And I already started on a sequel that I really hope I’m able to finish. Though it doesn’t have many hits, and I don’t think many people have read it at all, which I understand since it basically is entirely focused around Daryl being killed. But damn, I’m proud of this one, and it was really fucking fun to write because witch!Beth is just... the best.

risk it all (part 1 of in for a penny, in for a pound) Summary: Daryl Dixon has a pretty decent life, all things considered. He's got his own place. A good dog. A few friends. Even a girlfriend. He keeps himself out of trouble. Until he starts texting Beth Greene. And hell, if he ain't about to risk it all for this damn girl. Thoughts: This was supposed to be one short multichapter fic focused entirely on smut and social media. Then I got on a roll and it ended up being the beginning of a series! This fic is purely fun. Nothing too serious or heavy. I write it when I’m in a Good Mood because it’s my little happy place. I have plans for about 4 more fics before the series will be finished!

Don’t Make Me Haunt You Summary: So here's the thing: Merle Dixon is dead as fuck. And as it turns out, Beth Greene is the only one who can see or hear him. Which is weird considering she's never met or even heard of this guy, let alone anyone with the last name Dixon. That's her first problem... Thoughts: The reception to this fic has absolutely blown me away. I had no idea anyone would want to read about ghost!Merle haunting Beth and forcing her to solve his murder with the help of his grumpy brother. And it was all inspired by an episode of South Park lmao then I started really getting into it and now it’s just like, my super fun fic where I explore a range of emotions and all kinds of religious beliefs and different mythologies and I can build the world however I want and goddamn I just love writing this fic. Plus there’s a podfic for it! I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this fic and how proud I am of it :)

[mrsalwayswrite]

Say You’ll Stay- Chapter 1

Fury/ Band of Brothers Crossover Fic

Summary: Don "Wardaddy" Collier just wanted his crew to make it through the war. He carried no expectations for himself. But as each day passed, he worried he would be unable to keep his promise. When fate (or more accurately- Boyd Swan) places a woman in his path with a soft touch and softer heart...perhaps he has more of a motivation to see the end of the war after all.

Hey so I’m back with this series! I posted the first chapter awhile ago and then realized I did not have my plot and characters as “polished” as I wanted. So if you read the first chapter already, I would recommend rereading it. 

The first chapter is shorter compared to the others so to make up for it, I will also be posting the next chapter! Two in one! 

Our beloved Easy Company will come into play in a couple chapters. Patience, my friends. I have a plan...

Warnings: Swearing, some mentions of wounds/blood

Tag List: @happyveday​ @evelynshelby​ @god-of-dramatic-death-scenes​ @alwaysindecemberfeels​ 

Series Masterlist // Next Chapter

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Sweat dripped down the back of his neck. Dirt and grime covered his skin and clothing. The sound of the Sherman's tracks rolling over the muddy ground encompassed them. Patches of ice and snow still lined the feeble road. He stared ahead blindly, trusting Gordo to get them to the camp safely. The looks on those around him mirrored his own feelings. Everyone was exhausted. Everyone wanted real food. Everyone was tired of watching allies killed by fucking Tigers. 

 Everyone was sick of this shit. 

 They approached the camp. The cesspool that it looked like from far away became even more evident the closer they got. Half-demolished buildings with a dusting of snow were the only standing structures left of what used to be a quaint little town. Soldiers in grubby gear, rifle over their shoulders, ran around. From far away the sounds of artillery fire echoed. Don wondered who was dying now. 

"Boyd." He looked over at his gunner. "When we get parked, you go find an aid station. Get that hand looked at."

 "Yes, sir." The gunner held his injured hand against his chest, wrapped in a makeshift bandage. 

 After getting directions from a lieutenant, they found the tank squad on the other side of the town. Seeing the three other tanks gave the staff sergeant some hope. 

 "Boyd, medic. Gordo, fill 'er up. Grady, check that suspension. I don't like the way it sounds. Norman, find us some ammunition and where the hot chow is." Don barked out orders as everyone jumped off the tank. Replies of "yes, sir" made him nod, silently proud of his crew, before stalking towards where he assumed HQ was. 

 Soon enough he found the building, soldiers scurrying in and out, making the place look like an overturned ant hill. The glass on the store-front was still intact surprisingly, but the door was busted down leaving a gaping hole to walk through. Sliding past a private who looked barely eighteen coming out, he entered the HQ to see a table set out in the middle with maps laid out, paper weights and bullets strewn about. 

 "Who you?" 

 The gravelly voice made him turn to his right, eyeing up the man sitting on a wingback chair. "Staff Sergeant Don Collier, commander of Fury, 66th Armored Regiment, 2nd Armored Division."

 The man exhaled, smoke slipping between his thin lips, cigarette hanging precariously. "Ah, Wardaddy, eh? Right, come on." He stood up and waved Don over to the table. "Captain Evans. What's your status?"

 Don eyed the man, he seemed far too relaxed for being in a war zone. Then again, his greying hair and beard and those sharp eyes made him briefly wonder if this Captain Evans had been in the Great War. Maybe this was easier compared to trenches? Either way, it was nice to see someone in charge for once that looked like they were actually old enough to shave. Fuck knew too many kids were running around with rifles now, having just gotten out of bootcamp. Don wanted nothing to do with them. 

 "We secured the town here," he pointed at the map, "left 86th Infantry to hold. Then my guys and two other tanks were sent here."

 Captain Evans stared at the maps, mind clearly seeing how best to utilize them. "You and two tanks, eh?"

 "Yeah. Ran into a tiger though. Now it's just my guys."

 His bushy eyebrows shot up, even those around the table quieted down with the news. "Just you?" At Don's nod, the Captain tapped his fist on the table. "Damn those tigers. Alright, good to have you here, Don. We're waiting on some intel before sending you out. You and your guys get some chow and rest. Come back and see me in the morning."

 "Yes, sir." Don nodded and walked out of the building, relieved they were not being sent out right away. 

 As he walked down the filthy, cobbled street, he could feel the shakes beginning in his hands. Quickly, he stepped onto a side street, hoping no one would notice him. Leaning back against the brick wall of the building, he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets before anyone could see them shaking. Memories of the fight from yesterday replayed in his mind without permission. The tiger easily destroyed the rest of his platoon. In a matter of minutes, him and his crew were alone. Ten men. They had lost ten men. Good men...well mostly good. There was that one asshole in Edward's squad no one would miss.

 War took the best and worst; death it’s equally possessive lover.  

 Hands slightly fumbling, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The lighter took a few clicks before catching. With the inhale, the nicotine and smoke settled in his lungs beautifully. He closed his eyes, letting the cigarette help calm his nerves and try to erase the memories of his platoon. They were dead now. It did no good to dwell on it. 

 After several minutes his hands finally stilled. Running a hand through his hair, he pushed off the building and headed out to find his crew. He glanced around wondering the likelihood of finding a roof and real beds for his guys tonight. They deserved it. Especially after all this shit. His own back cried out for a reprieve from sleeping on the hard ground. 

 Yeah, he would figure out something. Even if he had to toss some goddamn young Privates out into the stained snow. 

 *****

 "Nurse Cooper! You can handle this!" 

 She pushed the flyaway strands of auburn hair out of her face as she walked past the injured, following the voice of Doctor Erickson. The cries, screams and whimpers of the injured and dying no longer affected her. Or at least that was what she told herself. At least this field hospital had separate areas based on severity and a roof over the top.

 She had worked in far worse conditions before. 

 She nodded to the tall, blond doctor who barely gave her a passing glance as he shoved past her, away from injuries he deemed lesser than what he should be focusing his attention on. 

 A man sat on the edge of a cot, cradling his hand in his lap, which was wrapped up like a mummy. He was not screaming or swearing, so she took that as a good sign. His eyes were closed, lips moving silently like he was praying, a thick mustache twitching with every movement. He looked like he could only be a couple years older than her own twenty-three years.

 "What's your name, soldier?" She stood in front of him, wiping her hands on the stained apron she wore over her equally stained dress. Once they had both been white; now, the apron and dress were a patchwork of stains from blood, dirt and other questionable fluids she chose not to think of. 

 He looked up, his brown eyes meeting her blue in surprise. "Boyd Swan, ma'am. Those in my crew call me Bible though. " 

 "Well, Boyd, mind if I take a look at your hand?" She perched on a stool as he offered up his hand. Quickly, she unwrapped it to see the damage with a gentle but methodical touch. A long laceration bled across the palm and past the wrist, thankfully not deep. Honestly, looking it over, it was kind of a miracle it was not worse. 

 "Well, you're lucky, Boyd. Any deeper and you might have lost use of your hand. You might have some nerve damage; I do not think immobility is a concern at this point. I think we can get away without stitches if you can promise me you'll keep your hand bandaged and try not to use it."

 "It's not luck, He's looking out for me and my crew." He pointed a finger on his other hand skyward. 

 "Yes, He certainly was. Let me grab some new bandages." She grabbed some cleaning solution and bandages for the man. The sooner she finished with him, the less likely there would be concern for infection. If she guessed, it would appear the injury happened at the earliest maybe yesterday. More than enough time for it to become infected. Though her training had taught her to ask and determine when the injury occurred, lately she found herself hating that question. It always led into a story and hearing even more of the horrors these men faced. Her mind had enough memories of blood and guts to fuel nightmares for a hundred years. If she could refrain from hearing others’ memories, she found herself choosing too.

 The other reason she wanted to finish with him soon was to open up the bed he currently sat on, in case a worse injury came in. Luckily there had not been a large-scale fight in a week so they only had trickles of men coming in instead of waves of dying men. 

 "You a religious woman?" 

 She looked up from cleaning his hand to meet his earnest eyes. "I guess. I don't pray like I used to."

 He hummed. "I can respect that. I suspect you've seen plenty of death."

 Not wanting to remember all the faces of young men she had slaved over, only for them to die under her care, she changed the subject. "Why do they call you Bible?"

 "I'm always reading the Bible... I reckon that's where it started. I stopped trying to convert those heathens in my tank. I pray for their souls though. Always will." His voice trailed off quietly, but the fondness in it was unmistakable. 

 "You're a good man, Boyd."

 He nervously chuckled, looking away for a moment with the sound of his foot tapping repeatedly on the ground. "No, I'm just doing the Lord's work. That's all."

 "Well, I'm done." Smiling at him, she pushed back slightly. It was nice to have a patient not screaming at her or leering. There were too many of those men as of late. "Do you know your orders yet?"

 "No, ma'am. We just rolled in an hour ago."

 "Alright, if you're still here tomorrow I'd like to take a look at your hand again in the morning."

 "I can do that." 

 "Good. Go rest up now, find some food. You earned it." She stood up, holding the soiled cloths, ready to move on to the next patient or task. 

 "I will.” He rose along with her, clearly understanding the dismissal. "Oh ma'am, what's your name?" 

 For a moment she hesitated to share her name. Normally she preferred the men to call her Nurse Cooper. From past experience, if she told them her name, they seemed to think she was interested in them. Yet with this man, she found herself wanting to share her name. He was kind and respectful. There were no gut feelings scaring her away from him. "Anna. I'm Anna Cooper."

 "Pleasure to meet you, Anna Cooper. You need anything, you let me know, right?"

 She was unsure how he could help her. Depending on his orders she might never see him again, but she nodded to humor him. "Sure. It was lovely to meet you too, Boyd."

 With a parting smile from both, she hurried to the back of the building where they kept the large tub for boiling cloths. She grimaced when she noticed how low the water was. That meant she would have to go to the river soon. A shiver shot through her at the anticipated cold awaiting her outside. Thankfully most of the snow had melted already but winter’s chill still clung possessively to the air. Plus, it did not help how easily cold sunk into her bones. Back home her family would tease her about that fact. Here, on the edge of the front lines, it only made her life more difficult.

 Before Doctor Erickson found a reason to yell at her, she headed back out to assist in whatever way possible. Her conversing with Boyd was her first positive interaction in a few days besides with the few others nurses stationed at the field hospital. She hoped he was not sent away too soon. 

[tomhardysteeth]

u wanna say anything for spn ending? Today's their last day of filming

Yeah sure! I love how you worded this ask, it makes me want to give a very serious answer. I’ve been rewatching random episodes the past few days and thinking about how much of my life was shaped by this random lil tv show, both positively and negatively, so here we go. 

I started watching Supernatural during my junior year of college, when I was grappling with being gay and religious, and had a pseudo-girlfriend who was emotionally abusive. I remember I started watching the show because I had been on tumblr for a while and thought, well this is a popular show on tumblr and looks like something I’d enjoy, so I might as well try it. I remember barely paying attention to the first season and thinking it was kind of silly, and I distinctly remember making fun of it right up until the season 1 finale when that truck slammed into the Impala and I said oh.

I remember sitting in the dining hall between classes, hiding in a corner with my pink headphones and my laptop, watching one episode after the other, completely consumed by it. My personal life was a mess at the time and I was angry and sad and frustrated, but I could forget about everything for a little while when I watched spn. I remember falling in love with Dean Winchester, season 3, when Sam gave him the amulet. 

Because I had already spent a lot of time on tumblr, I knew about Castiel. I couldn’t wait to get to season 4, the anticipation killed me. I didn’t really have a choice in shipping destiel, I literally shipped it before I even watched a single episode of the show lol. My first time watching seasons 4 and 5, I remember how mad I would feel every time the opening credits scrolled at the bottom of the screen and Misha Collins wasn’t listed. I cared about almost nothing but Dean and Cas interacting with each other. I was totally enamored by them, by their potential. At some point I got over that and watched the show because I liked the show, but boy did my heart and brain break for destiel. 

I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. I started coming out to more people, including people involved in the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved in, and it was very very hard. It was 2013. The first episode of Supernatural I watched live was the episode where Dean turns into a fucking dog. 

I don’t remember when I started reading fanfic, and I had no idea how to read fanfic. A friend invited me to ao3, what is ao3? I didn’t know. I used my email address as my username. I read Twist and Shout and Pie Without Plot and other very popular fics that I knew about because everybody knew about them. I vividly remember the first fics I read because I was 21 years old and had never had an orgasm in my life and believed sex was sinful and so when the sex scenes in fics turned me on, I felt guilty about it. 

I quickly got over that and started writing explicit destiel fanfic. 

I still had no idea what I was doing. I know the very first fic I ever wrote was a mess, I’ve completely erased all traces of it, but other than that I began posting with abandon. Pretty much everything I’ve ever written for spn is still on tumblr and/or ao3. I was running a Hannibal blog at the time and started posting more Supernatural content than Hannibal content, so I created a sideblog, @deancasheadcanons​, and things very quickly got out of hand after that.

I was depressed, I was confused, I was spending my last couple years of college trying to figure out my sexuality, trying to hold onto a religion that was rejecting who I was becoming, trying to find my identity while picking a career path and being sad and being pulled in a hundred different directions. Sometimes I was working three jobs at once, on top of 17-credit-hour semesters. I was getting a degree in a field I did not care about, and I spent every class reading and writing fanfic, scrolling through tumblr, making internet friends, letting my life be consumed by Supernatural. I projected myself completely onto Dean Winchester and partially onto Castiel and did not even realize it. 

I started dressing like Dean, and my sister and brother-in-law noticed and assumed I was gay. They were extremely unsubtle in their attempts at getting me to come out by pointing out the flannel and army jackets, and I did not have it in me to admit to them that I was dressing like a fictional character, but I DID tell them I was bisexual. 

I went to therapy every week during my senior year of college, and I was embarrassed about how often I talked about my “internet life,” as I called it. I remember having the arbitrary goal of getting 1,000 kudos on a fanfic, and I remember the day it happened for the first time and I remember going to therapy that week and saying that I didn’t feel any different, that I thought getting attention for my writing would make me feel better, somehow, but I still felt the same, and my therapist asked me if I would still be writing if I was the only one who got anything out of it and I said yes. But I was still obsessed with writing things that were meaningful, and despite the fact that I would receive 10 negative/mean anons per day, I never turned anon off because I desperately wanted people to tell me that my writing meant something to them, that it mattered to them. I was fighting with myself every day over my sexuality and my identity and my purpose, and I put all of that on the shoulders of Dean and Cas. 

There was also chubby!dean. I had lived my entire life with this inexplicable thing, this shame that I knew I could not share, that I knew I would just have to suffer with for my whole life, and then I joined the spn fandom and found that there were others like me, others that had a fetish and had similar experiences as I did and were drawn to Dean Winchester because there’s no other character that could make eating and gaining weight be as enticing as he makes it (in fanfic). For the first time in my life I had a community of people that I could relate to about a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to talk about with anyone in my life. I don’t remember if I consciously chose to start posting publicly about it, but at some point I did, and I started writing kink fic, but I was still so uncomfortable with myself and so scared of the things I felt, and I tried so hard to temper myself and not offend anyone and not go “too far” and not be too weird and I was so sexually repressed and pent up and full of guilt and shame, and so now when I go back and reread some of the stuff I wrote it feels like reopening an old wound and letting myself bleed out. 

I was constantly comparing myself to others and wondering why I wasn’t getting as much attention as so-and-so, and I always made excuses about how maybe my writing was too weird and I was too much and maybe I just wasn’t good enough and I hated myself and wanted to delete everything I ever wrote, but also I’m awesome and receive a lot of attention and get a lot of good feedback but maybe that means I’m just a narcissist! I acted like an asshole online and justified it by saying it wasn’t really me, that I could be someone totally different on tumblr than the person I was in “real life,” but in hindsight, now when I think back on my early 20s, I cannot separate what I was doing in “real life” from what I was doing in the spn fandom. I shared so much of myself with the spn fandom without even recognizing that that’s what I was doing. 

And I made mistakes, god I made mistakes, and I tried to be so careful about everything I said but I was also presenting a certain version of myself to the spn fandom so that people would like me (for instance: running a destiel blog and trying my best to hide the fact that I also ship wincest) and still I got in trouble constantly, and I grew bitter and mean because you can only receive the “when are you posting the next chapter?” comment so many times before you want to bang your head into a wall. I became defensive and unkind, afraid to check my inbox because it was a nightmare, and yet unable to turn off anon because, like I said, I desperately needed that feedback, I needed people to tell me that they felt what I felt, that they understood what I was writing and why I was writing it.

I expected Supernatural to give me everything I needed. I fantasized about Dean Winchester being canonically bisexual because I thought it would confirm something in me, that it would somehow make my life a little bit easier. I didn’t want to watch other shows that could maybe help me, I wanted Supernatural to do things for me that it had never promised and would never deliver, and it’s because I was defined by it for so many years. Now that I’m back on tumblr, I’ve been going back through some of my old posts on deancasheadcanons and it’s like reading a stranger’s words. Even so, I find myself telling people “I was deancasheadcanons” instead of “I ran a sideblog called deancasheadcanons” because it really was such a huge part of my identity. What’s wild is that every time I’ve tried to explain it to someone in real life, they just look at me like I’m not making any sense. 

It was easy to stop watching Supernatural. I didn’t have cable, and I had been driving to my dad and stepmom’s house each week and watching it on their tv after they had gone to bed. I was in a new relationship with a woman I nearly married, I was back in school for a new career, I was working full time and absolutely did not have time to continue writing fanfic as prolifically as I had done for so many years. I finally reached a breaking point in 2017 and haven’t watched any new episodes since then (I don’t remember the last episode I saw). But now, as I rewatch some old episodes, it is easy to feel the way I felt the first time I watched the show. It’s easy to see why this campy little heartfelt show was a lifeline during my formative adult years.

So it turns out I have never reckoned with any of this, have never written it down, hence the 2k jumble of words you see here. And it’s like, I know that a lot of this may seem silly, trivial, especially for a show that in itself is not very serious, but as it comes to an end I have to reflect on it as a person who put so much of my heart, my creativity, my pain and my floundering identity into it. I am somewhat embarrassed and wish I could respond to this ask with a joke instead, but we’re in a pandemic and I live alone and have had way too much time to think and reflect and become a lot more self-aware, and part of that reflection has definitely been about my time in the spn fandom. I remember thinking the show was never going to end, yet here we are at the end and I felt compelled to type all this out with a desire to, I don’t know, get some closure? Convince myself that I was a whole person, that I wasn’t just a faceless URL posting destiel fics into the void, that my real life was not at all disparate from the time I spent online? In any case, I’ll always think fondly of the time I devoted to Supernatural, and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between. Thanks for the nice ask, anon, apparently I needed to get some things off my chest.  

[brooklynboysficrecs]

Ria’s Top 10 Shrunkyclunks Fic Recs

Okay, let me preface this by saying: I could name about thirty fics and still not be able to tell you, definitively, what my favorites actually are. The top spots change kinda frequently, depending on what I’m in the mood for, and there are always new fics to consider. But these ten are some of the best I’ve personally read, ones I’ve re-read multiple times, even, and I really value whether or not I can see myself re-reading something (published books or fics) when I’m considering how much I actually liked it. Also, I went with lengthier fics that were finished, because otherwise it’d be a completely different list. Anyway, without further ado...

1. The Voyager by notlucy. God, I’ve read this at least three times and I’m definitely going to be reading it again in the future. notlucy is a fantastic writer in general, but this particular fic from them checks a lot of my boxes. I’m not especially into age differences in ships, but I liked the dynamic between Steve (who’s around... six, seven years older than Bucky, I think?) and Bucky here, and it’s made even more interesting because for the majority of the fic, Bucky has no clue who Steve is. There’s a long road trip, Bucky as a burgeoning writer, and Steve coming to grips with his sexuality as well as his place in the 21st century, as this story takes place pretty much right after he comes out of the ice. There’s also art! Which is always great, imo.

2. The Honey Honey series by justanotherStonyfan. This definitely has one of the most unique takes I’ve seen on a Cap!Steve/Modern!Bucky fic I’ve ever seen. It also features a pretty big age difference (Steve is 40, Bucky is 20/21), so if that’s not your thing, sorry. But it’s a long, long, long series, with multiple installments, that tells the story of Stark Industries employee James (who doesn’t go by Bucky because of reasons) and Commander Steve Rogers (who passed on the Captain America mantle to Sam a while ago). Not only has Steve been in the 21st century for almost two decades by the time he meets James, he’s also had a few colorful relationships prior to the start of the story that influence his current relationship with James and who he is as a person. I don’t want to spoil anything, but they’re all mentioned in the tags I think, so. I’m probably safe to say that uh. Steve still grew up with a Bucky Barnes, just not the one we see in the story. 

3. All of Your Love is Sunlight by canistakahari, WarlockInTraining. I can’t express just how cute this story is -- or I can, but I doubt I’d do it justice. Magic Bucky and his flower shop stole my heart the first time I read this, and honestly, I was as giddy as Steve pretty much the whole time. Steve’s kind of a disaster too and it’s frankly adorable. The whole story is adorable. All comfort no hurt, which is right up my alley. Also, come for the cute boys in love, stay for the butt plants. Just saying.

4. sleeping lessons by glim. This is such a good fic, oh my god. Steve’s auditing a college course to try and catch up on history (instead of like being bombarded by not-so-well-meaning SHIELD agents) and Bucky’s the professor, and he’s just. So sweet with Steve. So intuitively kind. I actually reread this one recently because I was on a shrunkyclunks kick and I remembered why I liked it so much, and even why I tend to like this trope/AU as much as I do — because it gives Steve a foothold in the new century, a friend who treats him as Steve and not Captain America, a civilian he feels safe and comfortable around. It’s a way to introduce Steve to the rest of the world through someone he didn’t meet as an Avenger or through SHIELD, which I think a lot of people agree is something he was sorely missing in the actual movies. I don’t know, this fic is great, give it a try!

5. Matchmaking by Nori. OH WOW. Let me just say, the premise of this fic is absolute precious. It’s like. The closest thing I can equate it to is a wrong number AU? Bucky is a gamer and Steve and Sam are on his team for something, and Steve — the dork — uses the in-game chat to respond to Bucky and it’s just. Fantastic and hilarious and so damn cute. Their friendship develops through playing games together and then Bucky gets a crush and... well. Love happens, like in every other fic I’ve read. But really, this is one of my favorites period, and another one I’ve re-read a number of times. It’s so so good.

6. the cold never bothered me anyway by icoulddothisallday. Alright so this is one of two soulmate AUs on here because I’m an absolute sucker for the concept of soulmates. Especially when it comes to shipping, because I adore the idea that two people are meant for each other regardless of the universe they’re in, ya know? Which is why I really love it for modern Bucky and Cap!Steve — proves their circumstances could’ve been completely different and they’d still find their way to each other. The lore for soulmates in this fic was interesting, too; I like the whole world-building that went on, and the mirroring concept they introduced. Bucky kinda got the raw end of the deal with his mirroring, considering Steve was stuck in the ice, but... as always, love conquers all, and Steve makes sure Bucky is never cold again so it’s all good!

7. Where All Roads Lead by alby_mangroves, DrowningByDegrees. Ooooh this was a fun one. There’s time-travel involved!! I love time travel (when it’s done well — looking at you, Endgame) and I really love when you randomly get a person from the past popping up in the present/future, which is exactly what happens here with Steve. Instead of surviving 70 years in the ice, an artifact sends him to the future where he meets Bucky, who’s something of an expert on Captain America. What follows is they’re attempts to get Steve back to the past and to the team he left behind, all while falling for each other along the way. The ending was so good, too; or, I thought so, anyway, but I suppose that’s just something people have to decide for themselves.

8. This Feeling We Carry In Our Souls by jinlinli. The other soulmate AU! In this one, it’s soul marks that people share; whoever has your mark is your soulmate, though technically it doesn’t mean they’re the love of your life. Bucky explains it at some point that sharing a mark can just mean you were meant to meet the person, that there could be a moment that changes your life and they’re a part of it. Obviously the soulmate connection here is of the romantic variety, which is good for Bucky — eventually. He has to deal with people faking his soul mark to try and get to Steve, and the fact that he lost the arm that had his soul mark on it... happy endings guaranteed though! I don’t read things without happy endings, because I don’t really see the point of them? But yeah, trust me to provide only the happiest of happy endings with my recs, and this one is no exception.

9. Waking Up Slow by odetteandodile. This is another author who I follow kinda religiously. I’ve read most of their stuff and I love all it. This fic is up there, though, because a) it’s my favorite AU and b) it involves Bucky living in an old lighthouse with his daughter. It also features an amnesiac Steve, which was a nice change of pace. Instead of being found on the Valkyrie by SHIELD, Steve thaws our and washes up on Bucky’s beach, and with nowhere to go and no one to call, he ends up staying with Bucky and his daughter until he can get back on his feet. They make such a great family, and it’s lovely to see their relationship grow even as Steve’s memories start coming back. Highly recommend this one!!

10. The Roommate by Niitza, layersofsilence. Okay, this is number 10 but by no means is it my least favorite of the bunch. This one features Steve trying to carve out a life for himself and give someone else a break by looking for a roommate for his place in DC. SHIELD (thought Natasha) tries to get him to give up on the idea, of course, but in true Steve Rogers fashion he goes through with it anyway and even picks one of Natasha’s “reject” candidates — one recently discharged James Buchanan Barnes. They prove to be good for each other, with Bucky proving more than capable of protecting Steve’s privacy and helping him integrate into this new century, and Steve helping Bucky find his footing now that he’s back in the States and in need of a friendly face who he can trust. The best (and worst, good lord) part of this fic is how long it takes the rest of the Avengers to figure out Steve and Bucky aren’t just roommates. You’ll be groaning at some of their assumptions, i swear, it’s both hilarious and painful to read them misunderstand the situation to the degree some of them do.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[toxikgato]

What are your fav romance stories/books?

OHH BOY LETS GET INTO IT

I love Red, White & Royal Blue over most romances. Almost every single paragraph makes me lose my mind, and I'm not even exaggerating that much, each time i reread it my phone gains at least five new screenshots of various quotes. I was raised catholic (which is a nice way of saying that I'm not anymore) and this book makes me want to go back to church if only to imagine the way Alex felt figuring out his feelings for Henry. seriously the amount of religious imagery used to express his love for him hit me just the right way and i don't think I'm ever going to be able to enter a chapel without the ghost of Elton John's Your Song playing in the back of my mind.

This Is How You Lose The Time War is another story I love. The lengths Red and Blue go to send each other those letters are ridiculous but it only helps to show how much thought and effort and care they put into each other. It's amazing seeing the transformation of their feelings, they deserve all the happy in all the timelines there are.

I'd be a dirty liar if I didn't include Aristotle and Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe, I first read this book when I was fifteen and I felt fucking seen like I never had before, I wasn't expecting the ending, not truly. I had hopes, sure, but at that time I hadn't read any real gay books, i had read gay side characters who appear in one or two paragraphs and then fucked off. I had read fanfiction that put into words everything i expected from canon. I was hoping for subtext that i could cling to when the book ended with them as best friends or whatever but then it all came true and i couldn't have been happier. I think i could go decades without touching this book and it would still come up when i talk about my favorites

Two words. Gay Werewolves. Wolfsong is a real fucking sad book that didn't feel sad the first time i read it, but now i can't finish chapter one without bawling my eyes out. no that is not an exaggeration. The first few pages have way too much power over me. The book tells the love story of Ox and Joe but really it's more about the love story of Ox and his found family. It's amazing watching him grow into this amazing person that everyone appreciates and loves, he deserves all the love, and he gets it— and I'm so proud of him for it.

I'm gonna end this list with fanfiction just because. Just to See You Again by MellytheHum on ao3. Yes i have a thing for love letters i could probably include Simon vs. in this list based solely on that but it already feels too stereotypically Tumblr without it so let's pretend I'm not basic. Anyway just to see you again is the story of how Derek Hale's letters made me change the way i think about love. Just thinking about this fic's ending is enough to make me want to cry. I want to be loved like that someday.

[bunkernine]

do u have any fic recs?

😭😭😭 i don't really read pjo fics!!! not unless they're mine lol, valgrace, or a friend's/rec. but here we go:

do you miss us? (finished) percabeth. i find it incredibly refreshing and it isn't the usual sickly sweet perkybeth junk

calypso talks to herself (finished) she leaves the island herself and it's really just 😤😤😤 god.

louvregood's works. they're mostly liper but i find them fantastic. i got embarrased when i found out who it was and left a million comments 😳

all my wolves begin to howl, oh wake me up the time is now (finished) basically a roman prequels? it's. coooooool

inferno (incomplete) valdangelo. explores religious shit- it's next level, honest to god amazing, like everyone should dip into it. i wish i could read it for the first time again

mr and mr grace (completed) valgrace. 💀

let's play a stupid game (completed) valgrace. AHHHHHH i reread this like every few weeks cause it kills me everytime. im prob gonna read this when i get off tumblr cause 💀💀💀

only love can dig you out of this (completed) pipeyna. uhhhh soulmate au

na_scathach' fics. hnnnng the eidolon fic comes to mind but so does the jasipereo one

i have a LOT more. some of the bookmarks on my ao3 are public/recs so you can always go through there. i have a bunch that were deleted and I've had an account for years, so i have yet to purge through it, but that's a pretty good start ig

[vulgarweed]

Thank You Good Omens

This post is going to be stupid long, because I’ve actually managed to fall in love with Good Omens three different times in my life!

In May of 1990, I was a college student in a hippie town in Ohio that had a great comics/SF book shop (STILL THERE), and because staff knew I loved Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series, made sure to point out to me that Gaiman had just co-written a novel and I might like it. I bought it. I did like it, very much.

Despite spending a lot of time on co-op in NYC and seeing Sonic Youth live as often as possible and going hard for the sex & drugs thing, I had just fallen off the turnip truck from a tiny Appalachian town of <300 people with a HEAVY emphasis on hellfire-and-brimstone religion. It permeated everything, including school (Yes, public school. Didn’t matter)

A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I had a fervent Christian phase when I was in my tweens. Despite my parents being non-churchgoers, I did go to church. (They’d drop me off and pick me up). Peer pressure was so strong, it was impossible not to. Being thought of an atheist or Satanist would lead to shit, the beating out of.

And at a revival, I GOT IT. Slain in the spirit, speaking in tongues, the whole bit. I was ALL IN. I hectored my parents and cried because I didn’t want them to go to Hell. And yet, it went away just as fast. I am a spiritual person, don’t expect that will ever change, but I had this super intense faith for a while, and then I lost it.

So when I read Good Omens for the first time, I felt weirdly healed. The mockery of that sort of end-times theology, that also had a sort of gentle humanist kindness at its heart, with its failboat antihero demon and angel protagonists and an Antichrist who really just wanted to hang with his friends and saw taking over the world as a responsibility he didn’t want rather than something desirable…

It got to me. Right in the feels. The fact that it’s a comedy is KEY to its effectiveness - laughter is powerful healing magic, and GO turned the light of satire right onto some of my deepest and most secret fears.

That’s also about the time I found my real path. May 1 (Beltane) 1990 is ALSO the 30th anniversary of my Wiccan coven initiation. (And I’ll be in a Discord chat with my old coven tonight, we have all stayed fairly close) My practice has varied a lot since in the details, but not in the faith core.

That’s round ONE of my Good Omens love. Round TWO was in 2004. I was heartsick and gutted by W’s re-election even though I saw it coming. Honestly I think seeing the Religious Right still hold so much power was a literal trigger, I see that in hindsight now. (The projectile vomiting was a clue)

I decided to cope by attempting to read the Left Behind series, in an “understanding how the enemy thinks” way. Although of course I already knew that all too well. I was reading Fred Clark/Slacktivist’s brilliant page by page takedown, and then I remembered my old friends from that book I loved in college!

Surely I could handle Left Behind if I had Aziraphale and Crowley and Adam and Anathema and the rest mentally sitting next to me and helping to MST3K it! I made it through a book and a half of LB, but the GO reread was worth the price.

I was into fanfic by then, so I realized….”Ah, I bet there is fic. I bet people ship Aziraphale and Crowley.” I was not disappointed. The lower-tadfield comm on LJ at its peak had more than 1000 members, and there were DeviantArt groups and mailing lists and a fair amount on fanfiction.net. So I went ALL IN and I got very productive.

I co-founded the GO Holiday Exchange in 2005 (which I still co-mod, and it’s the longest running job I’ve ever had). I met so many friends there - special shoutout to Merlin/Quantum Witch, my dear friend and collaborator, whose illustrations brought my words to life. I was ecstatic to find that she lives within 2 hours of me, and over the last 15 years we’ve visited each other a lot. We got to meet Neil Gaiman together.

My third burst of GO love came with the show, of course. I went to visit Merlin and we watched it together, and squealed. Particularly through the first half-hour of Episode Three of course. GO fandom has produced a LOT of historical fic for obvious reasons, and it looked like a highlights reel.

Also, there used to be wank in the fandom about how Crowley’s name is pronounced. WE WERE VINDICATED. (Certainly he was named after the real sinister historical A. Crowley, right? Who once wrote a doggerel verse mentioning his name rhymes with “holy.”)

There are things that as a longtime book fan, I don’t like or am ambivalent about in the show, but I think the heart of it was captured so very well. Since the first read 30 years ago, I’ve also read almost all of Pratchett’s Discworld, and his style of discoursing through humor just sits right on my brain.

(Pratchett got me through 2007-2008, when I lost a home, a longterm relationship, and a dream job just a few months apart. Bless you Pterry, you are missed.)

So Thank you Good Omens! You’ve brought me laughter, comfort, creativity, friendship, and a permanent influence on my worldview and spirituality. You’ve created the space for a fandom that tackles deep questions about theology and morality, often in the same work with slapstick comedy and smut.

[echo-bleu]

Somebody to lean on

[implied depression, PTSD, nightmares, past abuse (human and animal)]

For an anon prompt here that took me way too long to write: "I wish you would write a fic where we see what a positive influence Buffy is in Alex's life and just how much she helps him day to day. I just lost my dog so I could use some good dog fluff."

It's...not fluff. I had a bunch of false starts, started this, gave it up, started something else, also gave it up, lost myself in my head for like two weeks, reread this and found that it didn't suck as much as I thought, so I finished it.

Thank you @insidious-intent for handholding and encouraging me to post this!

Read on AO3

Alex hesitates for a long time after his therapist told him getting a dog would be good for him. He understands all her arguments, that's not the problem. Yes, a dog would be good to force him to walk more−he does his PT religiously most days, but walking as much as his physical therapist wants him to was harder, since it requires getting out of the house. A dog would make him get up on the really bad days when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain. A dog would help him keep a regular schedule even when he's discharged from the Air Force and loses the structure it provided. A dog would remind him to make himself something to eat when he loses track of time.

Alex makes pro and con lists, over and over, on the margins of his work notebook and post-its stuck to his fridge. The pros always come on top, if only by a small margin. Yet he still quibbles. Being responsible for another being is scary. He isn't ready. He isn't really in Roswell to stay, he doesn't want to fully settle there. He might have to travel for the Air Force or whatever new job he found, and then where will he leave the dog? There are plenty of arguments against it.

“What are you really scared of?” his therapist asks during a session, after months of this.

They hash it out for a while. In the end, it comes down to this: dogs love their humans unconditionally. Alex doesn't know if he's worth being loved unconditionally.

-

Mimi is the one who convinces him. She just s ees the dog in his future. Alex never really believed in the DeLucas' fortune telling, but like often, he has to admit that he doesn't know how Mimi could have done that by just guessing.

Plus, aliens are real. What's the point in refusing to believe in someone's vague precognition gift after that?

So sometime after that conversation, Alex tells his head to stop screwing with him and takes himself to an animal shelter. Since he was too scared to even accept the idea before, he hasn't looked into dog care yet, or into what breed would be the most appropriate to his lifestyle. But it doesn't really matter, because he wants an older rescue dog, not a puppy he could ruin by raising it wrong. He wants a dog who can fit with him, and that's a dog who's been through hardship and survived.

Buffy isn't what he expected.

He expected to go through a few shelters before he found a match, for one. He expected to choose a dog who was shied away from him, at first. He expected a larger breed, a tall, strong, quiet dog.

Buffy is none of these things. She's a beagle−and how did Mimi get even that right?−she's small enough to fit into his arms and she's anything but quiet. She's six years old, a rescue from an abusive home, and she limps from a badly healed fracture in her right hind leg. When Alex sees that, after Buffy has already started licking his face, he snorts in laughter.

She's scruffy and soft and bad-mannered, but she's not afraid of Alex at all. It's like being abused hasn't even made a dent in her faith in humans. Or maybe just in Alex, since he seems to be the only one she even comes close to.

They fit together perfectly.

-

Buffy doesn't like Michael, at first.

She might just be picking up on Alex's mood, or there's something about him that sets her off. She doesn't have a problem with Isobel, at least no more than with Alex's other friends, so he doesn't think it's because he's an alien, but she barks loudly when he shows up and plants herself in front of the door, ready to defend her territory. And when Alex shushes her, she sits and glares at Michael, following him in every room like she's watching him. Michael finds her creepy. Alex laughs at them.

It gives him something to laugh at. Pretending that he's okay with everyone invading his home, on the pretext that it's the only place far enough from town to hide Rosa−in the goddamn murder basement, no less−is taking a toll. Pretending he's fine with Michael's proclamation that they're just friends while they're working in his living room is torture. Not to even mention the thought of him and Maria together, of Maria's betrayal.

Buffy barks at Michael, and stays away from everyone else, hiding under Alex's bed. Alex laughs because that's what he wants to do, too. It's like Buffy is reading his mind. Of course, he doesn't have that luxury, so he lives vicariously through her for three weeks and dissociates nearly constantly. The walks he takes with Buffy are his sole escape.

It's only when they're all gone, after Arturo has been read in and Rosa has a new identity, that Alex lets the events of the last few months wash over him.

He lies down on his bed and cries himself to sleep, five days in a row, and Buffy snuggles against his side and nudges his neck. He wakes up from the worst nightmares he's had since he got out of rehab, featuring Michael in the explosion that blew up his leg instead of the one at Caulfield, and Buffy licks his face. He struggles to get up in the morning, and Buffy barks his ears off until he's taken her out.

Months later, he'll tell his therapist that he thinks Buffy may have saved his life.

-

Buffy loves him.

It's a realization that comes over Alex slowly. He doesn't think that much of it, at first, because all dogs show some kind of love to their human, right? Dogs are known to be loyal. As they grow on each other, he just soaks up in her presence and her warmth, when every other part of his life seems to have gone cold. She's soft and warm and alive and that's exactly what he needs.

Later on, he freaks out. It's such a huge responsibility, to have her, when some days he can't even get out of bed. He could put her in serious danger without even meaning to. She trusts him to take care of her, and he doesn't know if he's up to the task.

Buffy answers his concerns with enthusiastic licks and opinions about where she wants to go for a walk. It takes a while, but Alex decides they'll probably be fine. She won't let him forget about her.

She doesn't let him forget about himself. When he loses himself in work, forgetting to eat or sleep, she's there to remind him. She even starts trying to help him on bad days, nudging his leg when he's limping too much, so he trains her to fetch his crutch. Her pride when he thanks her never fails to make him smile.

Buffy loves him unconditionally, and it's something Alex has never had before. She doesn't turn her back on him when he makes a mistake. She doesn't force him to talk when the words catch in his throat. She's just there.

Alex has always loved deeply, but Buffy is the one who teaches him how to be loved.

So when Michael shows up at his doorstep one day, months after his relationship with Maria very publicly exploded, Alex doesn't shut down.

When Michael starts sprouting some grand metaphoric declaration of how he didn't mean to hurt Alex and how they've got to be star crossed lovers with shitty timing, Alex takes it for what it is, and he murmurs that he's willing to work at it.

Michael leaves and only comes back after a few days, without the cowboy hat and the wall around his heart. Buffy doesn't even bark at him. He goes down to one knee and pets her before he looks up at Alex. Alex lets him in this time.

When, some time later, Michael tell him he loves him, Alex doesn't immediately dismiss it. He takes it in and let it bounce around his brain for a while. He cries a little and he hugs Michael and they spend the night lying on his bed with Buffy between them, just being together.

In the morning, Alex is ready to believe it.

Because if Buffy loves him with all her little heart, then maybe Alex can be worthy of love.