#i used to pride myself on not getting involved in the fandoms of bands and just listening to their music instead. WELL LOOK AT ME NOW X3 💖

[le-velo-pour-dru]

My worst flaw when it comes to being in bandom is that if a band has more than two people in it I'm only gonna know about like. one of the people in it </3

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

it’s been a year since ive really immersed myself in the beatles fandom and one thing im still having trouble understanding is johns reaction to the beatles ending. i used to think that he was the one who was least affected by it, and that he was completely checked off by 1969. but seeing the get back film and reading about some of the abbey road sessions/recordings, and things he said in interviews at 1969, it doesn’t seem he was that checked out? also, he seems pretty upset at the fact that paul decided to leave, which i took it more as being upset because paul technically announced it to the world first, so a matter of pride because it’s his band. I say technically though because he didn’t outright say the Beatles are breaking up, just that the news outlet published it as final and surmised based on what was said in his self-interview. but that’s besides the point. anyways, i always remember reading quotes of his before i got really into the fandom of him saying he was checked out before then and that he left the group and was bored with it and ready to move on with yoko. and i thought, yes it seems he wasn’t affected at all, he wanted this. but something really interesting that i never really considered was derek taylors quote shortly after news that paul was done with the beatles, something along the lines of “if paul were to ask him, let’s do it all again, john would, with no more words he would” and idk but i definitely wasn’t expecting there to be a quote like that out there from that time. like what does that mean? and the fact that chris o’dell, who was close to george’s camp at the time and living with him and pattie for a bit, stated that when the news broke out, john came to visit george without yoko or anyone and they both were just looking through all the newspapers and didn’t want anyone disturbing them. like what? to me, it just left me confused because i really thought john was done? now i’m wondering if we know anything at all..

I think you've caught me at a particularly exhausted moment, so apologies if this isn't as elaborate as you might have hoped, but in short: John is a hard egg to crack lol.

I think ambivalent is the only adequate word to describe him re:The Beatles from 1968-70.

He makes a pretty big point of the trauma fame inflicted on him on Plastic Ono Band; I think him feeling like he needed some sort of blank slate makes sense, in that respect. At the same time, leaving the group you essentially founded when you were 16 behind would be an incredibly difficult decision for anyone, let alone someone with John's baggage.

I think he certainly wanted to be above it all – after all, he made the decision to quit first, Paul's official announcement notwithstanding. That means there's a sunk cost involved for him, which can easily lead to cognitive dissonance. And John was sort of an expert at cognitive dissonance…

I think John often wasn't really sure what it was he wanted, and that probably especially applies to his relationship with his band.

[penny00dreadful]

How about 18 & 76 please!

(Thank you lovely!)

Link to the Fanfic Writing Ask list

Hey babes! Thanks for the ask!

Do you enjoy research?  Which fic of yours required the most research?

I love researching for fics. I love looking up as much interesting shit as I can. The downside to that is that I often will end up down a rabbit hole of completely unrelated shit. 😅

As for which fic has required the most research, I really can't be sure. My First Impressions Pride and Prejudice fic involved an audiobook re-listen before I decided to go off of the 2005 movie because that was a bit easier to deal with.

Similar with the recent Anastasia AU I wrote, I watched the movie multiple times as I wrote it and went into a deep dive on The Winter Palace and tobacco production in pre-revolution Russia for the smell from Wayne that triggers a memory for Eddie. Ekaterina Nikolaevna Shaposhnikova took over her husbands tobacco factory when he died and became known as the 'Queen of Tobacco' in Russia for a little bit so it made sense to me that Wayne would smoke that.

Even then it would be smaller bits of research for different fics. What movies/tv shows would be out at the time, what technology was available, what albums/songs were available, the laws around sodomy or the legal drinking age or same sex marriage as well as constantly quizzing my husband about what a particular injury/attack/sickness would do to a body to try and make it as real as possible.

I don't expect to get everything 100% accurate 100% of the time but I try my best and that's all that I can do in the end. 😊

How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

So when it comes to external pressure I'm happy to say I haven't recieved an awful lot of it. As is usual in fandoms most people are very sweet and just as passionate about the things they love as the rest of us. So when they come to me begging for a part 2 or and extension to a fic that I consider done I don't really see it as pressure, I take it more as a compliment because I've been there. I know what it's like to have a piece of writing infect my brain to the point I want another 30k+ words and would drink it up and to me that's a high compliment.

I'll never say never when someone asks me if something else will be written but I cannot force myself to write something I have no inspiration to write. So if the inspiration hits again for a story I've considered complete, I'll extend it. But if the story stays complete in my head, I won't force myself because it'll turn out shit and make me not want to do it and no one wants that.

But when it comes to internal pressure?

Pressure from inside my own head?

Well that's a little more difficult.

I come from a quite crative family. My sister has a degree in Fine Art and is a baker by trade. My brother is a sound engineer and a drummer in a metal band. My brothers girlfriend is a textile artist.

The one thing they've all told me is to not pay attention to the numbers and I was really good at doing that for a while.

Until I wasn't.

Until I started to feel obsessed about how successful or unsuccessful a fic was getting.

How my numbers were stacking up against other people's and the interaction they were getting that I wasn't and it gradually started to eat away at my passion.

I no longer felt accomplished whenever I published anything and kept trying to force myself to write things that would be more popular that I didn't necessarily want to read myself or want to write.

I don't do that anymore. I haven't actually published anything from that era of my life and I won't. It's not what I want to do.

I've had to pull myself out of my head and stop obsessively tracking my numbers and start writing for me again like I did at the start.

I love writing.

I love it.

So dealing with internal pressure has become a regular thing of getting myself to stop and breathe and really look at what I've written down.

Is this actually something I'd want to read or is it something I think other people want to read?

Nowadays that answer is almost always the former. I do passion projects and am trying my hardest not to care if people don't love it as much as I do.

But that's okay, it's a journey and at the end of the day this is not my job, it's a hobby and I'm allowed to be self indulgent and write what I want to.

A little bit long winded and I got into my feelings a tad, sorry about that! 😅

I hope I answered your questions well enough! 🖤

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

How do you feel about BTS performing in the US Given the pandemic? I know army’s don’t care and say it’s endemic 🥴🥴🥴 yikes but genuinely Curious.

Actually also curious as to how you feel about them being special envoys? I for one think they aren’t remotely qualified for that status but I got a doxxed for sharing my opinion and reasons so I get it if you want to ignore this ask!! :)

I'm against festivals and major events in general, given the current situation, not just BTS concerts, so there's the short answer. I also understand the vaccination rate is higher at the moment, but it's still a pandemic. I'm quite anxious when it comes to this, so that definitely influences my opinion on it. I also understood k-armys reaction when they heard the announcement, but I wasn't surprised at the decision to have a concert in US. Their focus is the US Army, not a global fandom. We've seen this as well in the countless interviews and performances they had for American shows during the pandemic as well. Of course they would go there for a first concert. It is what is.

As for special envoys, their qualification is that they are a global band and South Korea's pride. Given these aspects and how far their message can reach, I kind of see it, but I also have some reluctance. They are singers, performers and most of their work is in the entertainment industry. What they did with the Love Myself campaign is actually what the minimum of what usually celebrities do. A bit of involvement and that's it. This is not necessarily a criticism, after all, they have their own job, I don't expect them to commit 100%, but I'm also not in complete awe. Being special envoys or getting involved in a diplomatic mission requires a lot of work, if it is to be taken seriously and contribute to actual change. I'm not sure if BTS has this as their plan.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

This is gonna sound dumb. I'm a JKer, but Vmin is making my head spin. Do you think it's possible both JK and Tae are in love with JM? Tokyo video, hints of living together, the way JK looks at JM like he's his world. The way Tae looks at JM like he's his world. The songs Tae wrote. SN confirmed what I already suspected. It's about JM. The tension JK & Tae had and JM being the one to lie to JK/set up them talking seems sus. Its making me wonder if JM is in the middle. Vmin's wrecking my ship LOL

One thing I want to get out of the way right away is this—this is the last time we’ll answer a question that concerns another ship. Our blog is supposed to be about vmin, namjin and BTS as group, and while we are all for everyone shipping whatever they like, I’d prefer to not talk about other ships on our blog. Not because we don’t like them, we don’t, but because the only ship we see as having true potential to be real is vmin, and perhaps namjin, and that’s it. Therefore, there isn’t really a point for us to talk about other ships in a romantic sense at all. If someone would like for me to talk about JinKook, for example, I’d gladly do it (I adore their bond and dynamic) so long as it isn’t meant as the romantic ship but the friendship between those two.

The only reason I’m replying to this, and a second mildly “similar” ask, is because it, in a way, plays into what I recently said about JK here. That’s it. So, now that that’s out of the way, the actual reply:

Let’s put it like this—it doesn’t sound dumb, necessarily, and the fact that as someone who ships a different pair you can still acknowledge that perhaps another might be true, that shows that you see things much more realistically than some others do. But, at the same time, I can’t agree with your statement, not because I don’t like your ship (quite honestly your ship has never even for a second made me go “huh?”) but because it would create an awful situation within the maknaes and I don’t think there’s any kind of hint for that. At least not in a romantic sense.

A while ago Admin 2 wrote a reply in which they argued that JK might simply be a vmin ally, as in that he helps them shield their private life and relationship from prying eyes because he loves his hyungs and all three of them know that the two main maknae ships are powerful “tools”. Here, again, it’s important to differentiate between ships and the real-life bonds between the members.

More below the cut because, as always, this got very long:

Do I think JK is in love with Jimin, or has been at any point in time, romantically? No.

From all the arguments you’ve mentioned, the one that stuck out to me the most was “he looks at JM like he’s his world”, which might simply be a shipper bias. We all have that. But I especially think it happens a lot with JK. While I’ll admit he does look at Jimin with deep admiration, it’s also true that he does the exact same thing with Namjoon and Seokjin, as examples. It’s very hard to properly read someone’s eyes and body language in general and do so without a bias (especially a confirmation bias). I actually wrote a post on that a while ago.

And yes, I would make the exact same argument for vmin (and namjin) as well. While yes, there are instances where we see what some have lovingly dubbed ‘Taehyungie’s Jimin smile’ or ‘Jimin’s TaeTae smile’, I don’t take any of those as “proof” or arguments for why I think vmin might be real. We have a plethora of other far stronger and more convincing arguments, so using different looks and expressions in one or the other members eyes, to me, is a bit pointless. Just look at the way Namjoon sometimes stands off to the side and looks at all the members with this deep love and pride. Does that mean he’s in love with all of them? No, of course not. Or the way Tae might look at Hobi or Yoongi. Does that mean he’s in love with them as well? No.

(The pictures of JK looking at Tae and Jimin in the blue suit, as far as I’m aware, were at the same award show. The last picture of JK on the right is him looking lovingly at ARMY, does that mean he’s in love with all of us as well? No.)

Unfortunately a loving expression doesn’t come with a precise label of “this is a loving gaze for a person I admire deeply” and “this is a loving gaze for a person I’m in love with”, so while we can identify their expressions as something related to “love”, everything else is us projecting and speculating. At the end of the day all the members deeply love and admire each other and have moments where they look at each other like they’ve hung the stars in the sky.

So, while these moments and pictures of JK looking “lovingly” at Jimin or Tae, or Tae looking “lovingly” at Jimin, or Jimin looking “lovingly” at JK or Tae, are very cute and lovely, they don’t really represent any kind of evidence for the presence of romantic feelings, even more so when those pictures are taken when another member sings or is saying something.

Placing Jimin as “the one in the middle” would cause drama that I quite honestly think has never been an issue within BTS in such a manner. One thing that I think all members value insanely, because otherwise the group would’ve long stopped working and fallen apart (and not just come close to it for different, unrelated reasons), is communication. Yes, it’s something they had to learn over time and haven’t always been great at, but with something as big as this, they would have to do it, especially if two members would’ve realized they’re in love with the same member. To me, and I don’t want this to sound mean or like I’m belittling your feelings/thoughts, this simply sounds like something straight out of a YA novel or teen drama on TV, or one of those manipulative, agenda driven videos on YouTube.

“The tension JK & Tae had and JM being the one to lie to JK/set up them talking seems sus. Its making me wonder if JM is in the middle.” This I think is a bit of a misinterpretation on your part, which I totally get, there were a million ways in which people interpreted this moment and perhaps I shouldn’t position myself as ultimate unbiased judge, but, well, you asked for my opinion so…The way I see it is that, if we believe Tae’s and JK’s words like we should, then it makes sense that JK might’ve been a bit apprehensive about the conversation with Tae, which would’ve called for the ‘need’ to involve Jimin (after all we know that Tae asked Jimin to help him) and have him “trick” JK. But, what I think is much more likely, is that it was simply staged in such a manner for entertainment purposes. I highly doubt Tae and JK didn’t discuss wanting to have this conversation for the cameras sometime beforehand but maybe they simply hadn’t decided on when to do it, so Tae used the chance on that evening to do it. But honestly that’s basically speculations on my part, and everyone else’s.

I don’t believe for a second that the conversation in ITS was the real, proper one JK and Tae had about this topic, because that would simply be way too personal and a breech their own privacy. Much more I think it was simply a conversation set up in order to communicate the situation between JK and Tae to us, show that while they had these awkward parts between them they still want to make an effort to “fix” things, and that they are still getting along no problem. Which they obviously do. That is the most important part for me in all of it, the fact that they felt comfortable enough to share this with us, to face the uproar I’m sure they were aware it would cause within certain parts of the fandom, and yet…they still did it.

The whole scene of involving Jimin might’ve simply been for theatrics and to make it more interesting to watch (and offer for a great episode cliffhanger) and also to loosen up the atmosphere a little.

One thing though I’ve found very curious since the time when the episode aired was the question of why Jimin and Seokjin remained close by and played with a ball in the dark, of all things. But I’ll never know the answer beyond theories and that’s fine. The bottom line is that Jimin didn’t act as “the one in the middle of a love triangle” but more as a third party who has a strong friendship with JK (thus it was clear that JK would listen and follow him outside) and who’s soulmates with Tae (thus it makes sense that he would help him arrange that conversation and help him get rid of his nervousness). Admin 2’s theory is that Jimin was nearby as support for Tae and Seokjin as support for JK, since we know they share a close and deep bond as well.

As for the “living together hints”, which rely mostly (if not entirely) on the car sharing argument, I spoke about it here and here, and GCF Tokyo. Well. I know that one is used as crown argument but if we apply the same logic, I’ve seen applied to it, then we could also say that GCF Osaka was JK’s “couple vlog” for vmin, since they were the main focus in that video. We could say that GCF Helsinki was him hinting at the band falling apart/breaking up since the song was a sad one seemingly talking about a relationship coming to an end and each party going a different way, one taking the ocean and one the desert. Others claim that GCF are J*k*ok specific because Jimin is the main model, but that’s something JK himself has negated at least twice to my knowledge.

Personally, GCF Tokyo has been in late 2017 while we have 2021 now. It was a moment in time where, according to some, vmin were “d*ad” and J*k*ok on the rise, but we know the former isn’t true. It was a hard time for everyone, a challenging one, and curiously enough, a few months after the Tokyo trip, Tae began working on Happy Christmas, a duet for himself and Jimin that’s very much romantic sounding and was likely meant as gift for Jimin. If he knew JK was into Jimin romantically, that his feelings might be reciprocated, that Tokyo was a romantic trip, I think there is absolutely no way he (Tae) would’ve done that.

So, all in all, while you, anon, can think whatever you like and what you think is likely, this is my opinion which can be summed up easily as: vmin are vmin and JK is their close friend, but there have never been romantic feelings from JK toward Jimin, while it seems that there are a lot of (requited) romantic feelings from Tae toward Jimin.

Admin 2 has a theory, and perhaps it’s delulu and unsubstantiated, but they want to share it anyway: We know that when Tae started filming Hwarang and the Wooga squad was formed, Tae spent quite a bit of time with them. Perhaps that has a kind of loose correlation with the timing of the Dumpling Incident and their 4am meeting at the park and all the implications of what meaning it truly might’ve had for Tae and Jimin, that he saw spending time with his Wooga squad as a form of “”escape””. The Tokyo trip was simply a gift from JK to Jimin that was meant as a kind of cheer up gesture for Jimin. I don’t think it was their romantic/intimate trip, as so many try to show it as such, because if it were so, we wouldn’t have heard so much about it because we know Jimin is a very private person. Also, if it were such an intimate thing, why would they have created so much around it in form of videos and even interviews, a whole PR thing? Shippers, of course, created this entire mythos out of their trip, a whole fantasy.

Let’s be real, some of the stories and theories being shared by some about the trip are not only impossibly unrealistic but also insane and stupid at times, since they contain twisted “facts”, agenda-based interpretations and things that are simply impossible, like them supposedly having gotten married during that trip. In a country that doesn’t have same sex marriage. Just to return to a country that, also, does not have same sex marriage. As idols.

If Jimin and JK would’ve wanted to go on a romantic, intimate couples’ trip together, I’m 100% sure we would’ve never found out about it. Easy as that.

Lastly, the way these questions are set up and thought out, this whole thing about drama and jealousy and love triangles, they sound like stereotypical “teenage girl” thinking, classic by the book like YA books and teen movies marketed toward girls. Which isn’t meant as shade against you or teenage girls, but there’s a difference between how boys act and how girls do, how of course boys and men also cause drama but it’s a different kind of drama, while this whole jealousy thing is more of a girl thing. It’s part of nearly every plot written by and for girls. And if you notice, most of those YT videos are built upon this scheme, and why is that? Because mostly girls watch it and they’re made by girls/women.

I, just like Admin 1, think that if Tae realized that there’s something romantic between JK and Jimin, Tae would’ve immediately stopped with all the romantic songs, the picture, and everything else. But instead vmin progressed the way they did, and we are where we are today.

The second ask we got is this one and it might be the first time Admin 1 truly got angry and went on a rant:

From anon: Its kinda obvious Vmin use JK to get to each other. No doubt they all have a special bond, but I noticed in one vid, JM slaps JK's ass, but turns and smiles smugly at V and V smiles, but when JM walks off, the smile fades and V tilts his head and gives JM a go to hell look. lol. V grabs JK to sing to him, but V's not looking at JK, his eyes are glued to JM. When JM walks off, V just leaves JK standing there. Jikooks cooking live V calls. JM knows V's watching and nuzzles JK's neck. Kinda obvious

Let me be frank for a moment—this is completely bizarre to me, nasty and stupid. I’m sorry. I know it makes for fantastic drama, it fuels analysis videos (which brings in clicks and thus more revenue), but IF this were at any point in time real, do you really think BTS would still be BTS today? Do you really think the members would be as close as they are today? Do you really believe something as ridiculous as this happening in real life would fly? That Namjoon, as leader, as well as their managers and team, would allow for something like this to happen? And perhaps that last question might sound weird to you, but it’s true.

Also “I noticed in one vid” this fascinates me, and also confirms everything I need to know about this ask—I know where theories like this come from and I think I’ve made my stance on it clear in a previous reply, but I’ll repeat it one more time: analysis, theory and compilation videos are manipulative, inherently biased and agenda pushing and, in most cases, have zero connection to real life. They create bizarre scenarios and theories that push ideas of jealousy, betrayal, and powerplay because that’s what brings in the clicks, because people love drama, because that means things are happening and that’s exciting. But, with a band as big, kind, humble, and beautiful as BTS? That’s rude, disgusting, and presents the members as the exact opposite of who they are as people.

Things that happen on stage are, in many cases, preplanned “fan service” meant to entertain the audience. A split-second facial expression or supposed “mean eyes” between members are usually a bias reading or might simply have a completely unrelated cause, depend on the angle you watch the moment from, and a billion other factors that have nothing to do with drama, jealousy or any such nonsense.

Presenting the maknaes, and especially Tae and Jimin, the way you do, do you know what that would make them? Abusers. It would mean they abuse their position of seniority over JK and use him for sick games, knowing that age hierarchy wise he wouldn’t be able to “defend” himself quite the way same age friends would between each other, or an older member. It presents Tae and Jimin as evil, nearly vile, and toxic, like they see JK only as a toy to be used for some kind of game between each other, and that is truly disgusting and uncalled for.

Also, all of this erases JKs autonomy and place in the band, as artist and human, and presents him as just a toy to be used and played with, which again is the same thing shippers also do with him. I have a whole post about it. Read it and maybe think about everything you just said again and why you did so.

I don’t know what the point of this ask was, but for future reference—we will never answer such an ask again and I will not allow such ideas any kind of space on this blog.

That’s all.

Admin 2: Everything that happens on stage during concerts is more or less preplanned by the members. We know that vmin love roleplaying. I’ve noticed that in their interactions on stage they occasionally also use some elements of their roleplays. I wouldn’t be surprised (I think I know which video you are talking about, I’ve seen it) that what’s shown in that video is one of those typical vmin moments/behaviors. Especially if the video you mean is the one I’m thinking about is the same video that ends with JK standing between Jimin and Tae and while they bow, he brings Tae’s and Jimin’s hands together, which would mean there are no hard feelings at all and that JK is consciously involved in it all.

We should also remember that Tae interacts and does fanservice with him, so why do people not suspect that Tae also uses Jin for his “games” with Jimin? Or when Jimin does something with Namjoon, that he does that in order to make Tae jealous? Because we know it’s all planned and done on purpose for fans and there is no space or reason for anyone to do jealous or “use” another member for anything like what you suggested.

If there really were a reason for Jimin and Tae to want to make each other jealous or anything else, it wouldn’t happen in places where we see it, wouldn’t be happening on stage during a BTS concert since it would threaten their image. What happens on stage has no correlation with their private life, as in, that you don’t take your issues on stage.

Think about Burn The Stage and the conflict between Tae and Jin. Namjoon at the time wasn’t mad at Tae for bringing up the issue, he was merely mad because he’d done so just before going on stage, meaning that hurt feelings would go on stage with them and it could interfere with their performance and interactions. Knowing that, would Jimin and Tae do what you claim they did? No. If they interact and do things with JK on stage, none of it is meant as a way to “get at” another member or to create jealousy, it’s simply entertainment, fanservice, things meant to get a reaction out of the crowd. They are professionals. And such behavior has no space on a stage during a professional concert carried out by artists who are professions.

[popmusicu]

Pop as a queer listener

As a queer person myself, I’ve always wondered where the idea that “this certain part of the LGBTQ+ community loves this artist” comes from. I get how musicians showing support to the community with their words, donations, by them holding up a pride flag or coming out can make people feel secure and welcome new listeners, but sometimes it’s not as easy as that to point out. Throughout history there’s always been genres that’ve attracted our demographic by being a safe space (until appropiated by straight white cis people as it happened with punk), but what’s so special about pop specifically?

Well, I’ve found that a big part relates to the fact that in pop music, everything’s a performance. From gender roles to feelings, everything’s exaggerated in a very specific way and I believe, in a biased opinion, that a lot of LGBTQ+ people can relate to it. Most of us were made to feel ashamed at a very young age so we learned to hide those parts of ourselves, so we free them through music and the fandoms that follow. For men, it taps into the femininity they’re boxed into by a misogynistic society the moment they’re attracted to the same gender but coming from women that try to celebrate the femenine and all of it's layers: Madonna, Gaga, Beyonce, Cher, among many more. For women, however, the biggest example that comes to mind from my lifetime at least is One Direction. While I went more of the emo kid route when 1D was at it’s peak, I was still fascinated by them and specifically Directioners. They were loud and surprisingly powerful, hacking into things and winning every single award that involved fan voting. Crazy from the outside maybe, but truly a force to be reckoned with. And funnily enough, a huge amount of those passionate teens ended up not being straight or cis. With One Direction and boy bands in general, the performance of gender equals to them being marketed to appeal romantically to their audience: Harry was painted out to be a heartbreaker even at his young age, Louis was the rebel jokester, Niall was the silly but sweet one, Zayn the mysterious bad boy and Liam a middleground between all those archetypes. They are a performance of masculinity and it’s hard for them to feel threating in a way that any day to day man would feel for women.

When it comes down to Kpop I see elements of both. Women see these non threathing but extremely attractive men with a different interpretation of fashion and masculinity (specially with fans in the west, where male artists do minimal makeup and wearing a skirt is groundbreaking) and relate to them to the point of naming some of them as wlw magnets (Yoongi from BTS or TXT all together) but also have this huge amount of girl groups to really see themselves in, even more so with physical touch between them being so normalized (Although it’s a topic that deserves a conversation of itself due to it’s fetishization of same gender attraction). The same thing goes for men, they can see these idols of boy groups hug and care for eachother in a consistent manner and find representation that we as a community hardly get in the music industry, but can also be part of the girl groups fandoms and be welcomed. Even with South Korea’s conservative stance in gender and sexuality, we somehow found ourselves a beautiful union worldwide where bit by bit it’s helping secure a place for ourselves and changing the industry itself.

The connection with hyperpop it’s something that also really sparks my interest and in my search of answers I discovered a book called “how pop music broke the binary” by Sasha Geffen and the interview about it by The Nation. In the interview, they’re asked about how hyperpop became such a prevalent genre for both trans artists and fans. She elaborates on how the processing and distortion that hyperpop is known for traces back to Wendy Carlos and her creation of the synthethizer. Trans artists found meaning in the transformation of their voices to reach new boundaries, breaking this binary of femenine and masculine voices by creating a new sound with it's own standard and giving us trans icons such as Sophie and Arca. I find this to be really important, as it finally gives credit to the trans community when often they’re invisibilized and used as tokens in the spaces where they’ve been the blueprint.

As a sort of conclussion to my thoughts, I belive pop has always been more than an easy marketable sound. It’s been a space for experimentation and creativity, where artists have defied the expectations of it being devoid of dept and only for money and have actually built a foundation of acceptance hand by hand with the community itself and created beautiful art. We’ve opened spaces that were made with such a heteronormative design to queerness, where we can now see a lot of us in the spotlight without having to hide the parts of ourselves that we were told bury, and we will do so as time passes because queer people have always been such a leading force in the media and the creative field.

Savka Polo Valdivia

[markcampbells]

8, 10 & 32 for the fanfiction questions!

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

Ahh, the Star Trek story! ... is not all that fascinating, LMFAO. The short version:

I see Bottle Shock when it comes out, when I'm 17, and my mom and I really enjoy Chris Pine's performance in particular. We come home and look him up online and I yell upstairs, "MA! HE'S GONNA BE CAPTAIN KIRK!"

On the strength of knowing I like Chris Pine and nothing else, never having seen Star Trek in any capacity before despite growing up in a Trek-loving household, I go with my parents to see 2009 in theaters the following summer. I am instantly smitten. I'm talking my close friend who also loved it and I buy each other Jim (for me) and Spock (for him) dolls for our high school graduation.

I start reading for my current (and only) ship, McKirk (Jim/Bones), probably somewhere between 2009 and Into Darkness. I definitely shipped them of my own volition; I have always been taken with their dynamic whether platonic or romantic, but I can't remember if I first sought out fic myself or if I read one purely because a mutual I used to have also shipped them and sometimes reblogged fic.

Between 2009 and when the next two movies come out (2013, 2016), I try watching the original series at least once and bounce off it. In between the two movies I occasionally go back to reading fic (particularly by an author I really like), but nothing really sticks. In 2018, I end up trying the original series again and getting into it shockingly quickly this time around.

For no particular reason I get to the middle of the final season and stall, and I don't watch any Star Trek episodes in 2019. However, 2020 brings the pandemic, and I start needing something to fill my time. I go back and finish TOS, watch the original movies, and revisit the new films again, and when my focus snaps like a twig and I can't focus on prose, I decide to go back to McKirk fic for real. I remember that there's a well-regarded slow-burn for the pairing I've always half-thought about reading (Switch) and start there, as well as revisiting fics by the author I had started reading with (shoreleave). I spend literal months reading nothing but fanfiction for the pairing because it's all my brain can focus on, LOL.

Ultimately what starts me writing is just that I start having ideas of my own, to my surprise after shipping the pairing on and off for over a decade and never thinking of writing! I found the USS McKirk Discord server through the folks on here talking about it and joined with the thought it would be nice having some friends who ship the pairing, and now it's two months later and I'm grateful every day I found myself there and that I've found my way back to fanfiction again. <3

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

I haven't read in the fandom in quite a while, but Jane Austen! I enjoy JAFF a lot. I stick almost entirely to the published stuff for ease's sake, and there's plenty of variety there (though diversity is still a work in progress, unfortunately). I did write an Austen fic once when I was a young teen, but in general writing it would require a lot of historical accuracy and era-appropriate language I'm not the greatest fit for, and everyone's interpretations of the characters vary so widely that as a writer I would probably have constant anxiety, LOL. I stepped away from fandom a lot after the 2016 election, including reading fic, but I still honestly find a lot of comfort in the thought of a Pride and Prejudice variation or sequel because the characters are like old friends and it's nice to see where authors take them.

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?

My last several fics have been titled after songs! Sometimes related to what the content of the story is, sometimes not and the lyric just worked, LMAO. Those were:

but we just haven't mastered the fall - "My Darling" by Ingrid Michaelson

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise - "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars

pack up the life that's left - "Old Days" by Ingrid Michaelson

Ingrid Michaelson is obviously a big one, as evidenced here! Her lyrics tend to lodge in my brain and cause things to happen. (My shameful secret is that a lot of the best writing music for me comes from 2000s dramas like Grey's Anatomy, The OC, and One Tree Hill. Just. 2000s era pop. I hate myself.) The USS McKirk server also has a phenomenal McKirk Vibes playlist that really sparks me.

[pigspeetsandhooflikefeets]

Hey. I don’t like posting this because I like to be a positive person and this is a really cool and positive fandom, but I need to say please avoid melodicalmusic on DeviantArt/doggiebeats on Quotev. Initially I thought it was just someone who was missing the point, but they are far worse and actively harmful. (notes under cut)

melodicalmusic/doggiebeats is the author and illustrator of an au fic named “Velo Life”. At first glance it is harmless, the art is fine. The story revolves around a mask named Pap (a papillon dog) doing things, being an assistant to the monarchy, and dating Fox. Sometimes other masks get chapters, but the overall focus is on her oc, which is fine, as ocs can be good. The problem isn’t conception, it’s execution.

Transphobia: Melodic decided to cast Leopard as a non-binary intersex character. It was a fair design choice, other than the fact she referred to them as a “pseudo-h*rmaphodite”, which is medically outdated, as well as the inclusion of ‘pseudo’ is more offensive than the slur alone. Leopard has biological cubs, despite most intersex (obviously not all) being infertile or unable to carry children showing a lack of research on the topic, as well as it being a very dysphoric situation for many trans and intersex people.

Leopard was referred to as a “quing”, combination “queen” and “king”. Now. Mull over it. Okay stop mulling, because she had every inch to just use “Monarch”, such as “Monarch Leopard”, as well as titles like “Their/Your Majesty”, which works for both kings and queens, so it should have been suitable for Leopard.

Unprompted, she backpedaled saying “But I wanted Leopard in my AU to be a actual female. Cause I think it's for the best. Everyone kinda hated Leopard, but I love everything she does. No not Transgender, just really a female.”. Besides the fact she took it in her own hands to decide that a mask played by Seal was ‘now a cis woman’, she implies that trans women are not women, calling cis women ‘really a female’.

In her fic, the only other trans character is Egg, who is exceptionally ambiguous to being trans, not specifying if Egg is NB, FTM, or if he as well was going to be intersex. She dedicates a chapter to pride month, yet a lot of the focus is on the cishet masks (Pap (her oc), Frog, and Fox), as well as a concerning ship of T-Rex and Poodle, as everyone knows that T-Rex is somewhat coded to be a child, since Jojo was only 16 when she performed. Despite claiming to respect trans people, she only had two trans characters, and decided that one of them wouldn’t be trans anymore because “I admired the high-pitch voice that was fitted for the Leopard, it just suits SO well. Even if the show kept going, I always hear the digital high vocals.”. Call me crazy, but that’s not a reason to make a man a cis woman.

As a trans man, Leopard was disgustingly handled in the show with the panel first week, accusing Seal of ‘tricking’ them for wearing drag and acting feminine (not acting like a woman, acting feminine), and I hoped it wouldn’t leech into the fandom. Clearly I was wrong.

Homophobia: Where to start with this. As stated, she changed Leopard from a NB intersex character (in her original canon) to a cis woman. In the fic, Leopard is married to Nick. I don’t need to tell you that she made Nick x Leopard into a straight ship. She made the only gay ship tease in the show into a straight ship. I wish it ended here.

Somali, an oc, has potential. Not here, but he has it. Somali is gay. If you think I’m undermining his character, that is his character. Somali likes magic and theater, and is very flamboyant. He is a gay walking stereotype. In his description, it is stated, “The story is that he turnout Gay, Of course Pappy was Supportive, but she knew it wasn't fair, especially through everything she's involved.” If you need me to translate: Somali broke up with Pap after realizing he was gay. Pap saw that as unfair, and that she was a victim of being lead on because he found out he was gay. Yes, Pap is making Somali being gay and dealing with his internalized homophobia… about herself. She goes to the point of calling him her nemesis. Which is a... toxic way to refer to someone who broke up with you on clean terms.

Somali eventually teams up with Rottweiler, Pap’s brother (who abuses her, despite it being out of character in every means) and is. Evil, and he hates Pap now apparently. We can’t go a minute without the gay oc being evil huh. Somali being gay doesn’t add to the story, it just suggests the only reason he stopped dating her was that he was gay (which is bad and offensive in Pap’s eyes) because he is not shown to fall for Rottweiler, or have any crushes on other male masks. His homosexuality is an accessory tag, and it’s really not a good one when he is the only gay character with a lot of lines.

Every. Character. That. Is. LGBT. Is. A. Token. Ice Cream and T-Rex are the closest ones to not be tokens, as Ice Cream has a job at a diner and T-Rex gets lines, but T-Rex is only used for exposition, and again, a child shipped with an adult mask. Peacock’s and Rabbit’s role outside of the first chapter is to have a rocky relationship, being forced to rekindle their relationship after Pap tells them to do so for a love festival. Several of the female masks are bisexual or lesbians, but they add so little to the plot, that I don’t even remember which ships are which. Every [since Leopard used to not be but is now] main character is heterosexual and cis (Pap, Fox, Leopard, Kitty, Frog, Turtle, Rottweiler) which doesn’t imply that she actually is that pro LGBT. Drawings of hers for Ice Cream and Egg are captioned “Just something Gay for you guys to see~” (fetishizing much?).

Ableism: One of the ocs in the fic is a Red Panda, who is related to Panda (don’t be confused, animal wise they are not closely related at all). In the fic, Red Panda suffers from PTSD due to an accident which caused her to be disabled in the leg, who uses a single-leg-crutch to walk. The physical disability is handled well enough, not being a hindrance or made fun of, but her personality is the worst. Red Panda is a cowardly and sniveling child, scared of her own shadow and completely incompetent. Her PTSD is very thinly written, not giving her any specific triggers or reasons for anxiety. If her PTSD was presented with her being afraid of entering a vehicle or certain smells that would relate to the accident (rubber, smoke, leather), it would make sense, but Red Panda is scared of everything. On a dare, Frog tells Kitty to impersonate a mask. Kitty impersonates Red Panda, making fun of her cowardice, which can be an actual attack on people who have PTSD (like myself), Kitty justifies herself, saying she couldn’t think of anyone else, Red Panda immediately accepting it. Being a minor character, there is no time for her to develop, and the Red Panda we were presented with is already a mess.

In the same chapter that Red Panda is introduced, Axolotl (mentioned a lot later) dares Fox to remove his prosthetic arm. I don’t need to need prosthesis to know that asking someone to take their ARM OFF is unfunny and uncalled for. Pap, Fox’s girlfriend, decided to take the time and kissed the welt, commenting that it “looked interesting”. Don’t- don’t do that. Don’t kiss people’s scars or cuts or welts or anything related to their disability, especially without permission. Axolotl was being ablest to Fox and somehow Fox didn’t know better and forgot to tell her she was acting uncivilized, despite being one of the smartest masks in the canon.

Condoning Incest: One of the ocs in the fic is an Axolotl. The axolotl is Frog’s biological sister, Frog having Turtle as his adopted brother, which in fic Turtle is stated to have been adopted in Frog’s family for over 15 years. In the axolotl’s description, it is stated “Though Axolotl is a relative of him, She deeply has a crush on him. Which maybe weird but hey, Turtle's Adopted. So not a big deal”. No, it’s not ‘ok’ because Turtle is adopted, especially since they’ve been related 15 years. It’s not like Frog and Turtle are ‘close enough to be brothers’, they are related by law. Axolotl is presented to quirkily force a kiss on Turtle in one chapter, which she is not punished or condoned for 1. Sexually harassing him 2. Committing incest and putting it on his conscience, OTHER than her getting salmonella, which all characters who kiss Turtle are prone to getting (Ice Cream in chapter was stated to have fallen sick after kissing him). Axolotl is treated completely fine and Turtle has her in his band, regardless of the fact she is predatory towards him. Additionally, Axolotl is treated as a babysitter towards all of the children on the island, despite, again, sexually harassing someone she is related to, which people saw happen.

Incest is a harmful thing that can cause people to self-deprecate themselves or worse. It’s not a quirky “ha ha, they kissed, so funny!” because Axolotl DOES want to prey on Turtle. She DOES want to be with him. She didn’t CARE about his feelings, in the moment or after. It wasn’t a cute kiss on the cheek, and it wasn’t funny.

Fetishization of Japan: Pap is a weeeeeb. Pap is stated to be Japanese (her last name being Akita) which is confusing on account of the fact Rottweiler and her family are not shown to be Japanese? Anyways, Pap uses broken Japanese, completely unsparingly, and just says it in a way she expects everyone to understand her. It’s not Engrish, she speaks English well enough, she just adds it in sentences, and Melodic doesn’t even offer translations at the end of chapters. Phrases used are arbitrary, one some reason ending with “translator”. Entire sentences can be in Japanese, making the story hard to follow. If this fetishization of the language was limited to Pap, it’d be more tolerable, but other masks, ones who have no reason to know Japanese, use it as well, equally poorly.

Xenophobia: Some reason the USA and UK masks are all good guys (other than Rottweiler) but the German masks live in a ‘badlands’. German Monster teams up with Rottweiler and is his girlfriend, while German Dragon sexually assaults Kitty when they go through the badlands. There is no rhyme or reason why they are the scapegoated ‘evil’ series, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Inability to handle criticism: I tried. I tried my absolute best to tell her that what she was writing was harmful and past borderline offensive. I told her that Somali was a gay stereotype and very poorly presented, not getting a personality out of ‘likes singing’ (which all masks do…) and ‘is evil gay’. She didn’t care. We told her she was using slurs and that turning a mask played by Seal into a cis woman was offensive and transphobic (as well as Leopard already poorly being handled). She didn’t care.

In fact she more than didn’t care. She called us insensitive and whiny. Quote from her, "Now, I been feeling upset about some Haters/Karens harassing me on my AU ideas. And yes that's dumb.” Karens. You know, the stereotypical older women who hate the gays and trans people and bully people doing their jobs? Karens? Yeah, no. A Karen would be against any characters being trans or gay, insisting the show is for families, not telling them to stop using literal slurs (which have been outdated over 20 years) and to actually write gay characters. She genuinely acts like she can do no wrong and that everyone that doesn’t fawn over her is bad. This has nothing to do with the quality of the writing and the lack of grammar, this is about how she is unapologetically offensive and writing triggering content for the sake of being ‘quirky’.

I’m not saying “go rally against her” or “dox her” or “flame her story”, I’m suggesting please don’t give her attention. She’s clearly a child, and she’s not willing to change. All we can do is limit how much attention she gets until she grows up.

[fingersfallingupwards]

ULTIMATE Beatlemaniac Tag!

Thank you @femininehygieneproducts for making this whole THOROUGH thing, and a big thanks to @ourladylennon for tagging me!💖

How long have you been a fan? I liked them from a young age (yellow sub was my chidhood JAM) but only REALLY got into them about eight years ago. It’s been off and on since, so I still don’t consider myself an expert the way some people are on this website.

Favorite Beatle: Paul, but I spend a lot of time disliking him hahaha.

Favorite era for music: Mid-to-late Beatles. There’s no doubt their early stuff is a bop, but I love the sounds they were able to start putting together later, so complex and so wonderful!

Favorite era for lewks: Gottta be moptops. These lads just glow in black and white. A close and controversial second is White Album, “our lives are falling apart” chic.

Favorite song: Julia not a popular choice hahaha. Second would be Two of Us— whoever it’s for it’s a bloody masterpiece! Lady Madonna is also quite high up. It’s just a bop!

Favorite album: Revolver with a close second/third being the US release of Magical Mystery Tour and the White Album.

Unpopular/Controversial Beatles opinion: I don’t really like any of the boys. I’m fascinated by them, and I have a huge respect for them! But as people I’m just like…. You are the type I dislike. (lmao, still dedicated years of my life to them.) Also, I like John’s heroin-hair. I didn’t know it was heroin hair when I first saw it!

A song everyone loves but you dislike: The Long and Winding Road. I DESPISE this song.

A song everyone dislikes but you love: Wild Honey Pie/Honey Pie. I love these songsss.

Your fantasy involving The Beatles: find out what happened in India. Maybe get trapped in an elevator with Paul and, after being Aggressively Normal, ask him the details.

Tell us about the moment you knew you were a fan: Paul’s hip and leg bounce when he plays the bass.

Did you ever have a genuine ‘The Beatles suck!’ phase before becoming a fan? I don’t think so actually. I think I thought Hey Jude was really weird when I first heard it, but otherwise I was like, this is the band that’s music is in all these commercials.

Favorite Beatles book: I haven’t read many books actually. I think I’d go with Geoff Emerick’s because it’s definitely flawed and biased, but also has some humor about things and a personal, (appreciably self-centered) take. I also love all the details about recording Revolver. So vital!

Thoughts on the old generation of fans: I’ve mostly had positive interactions with the older generation! They were really nice when I was first getting into the fandom and I learned (and still learn!) so much from them! Lennonistas are a different matter...

If Hollywood were to make a high budget Beatles biopic, what is one thing you desperately hope they include? Fuck bio-pics. Honestly there is too much agenda involved when making one. They don’t make people human, they make them less human imho.

Do you read/write fanfic?: I do both! I’ve been destroyed by stunning authors and question my worth as a writer A LOT but I also have fun and feel a certain pride in some of my things. This fandom has lasted so long and I think that’s amazing! I hope people continue to write in this niche💖

Are you the only one in your family/friend group to enjoy them?: both my parents like them! But not as much as I do.

Are you a shipper?: It could be said.

Favorite movie starring/made by them?: Ooh, Yellow Sub, but in actuality I don’t really love their movies. Let It Be is worth a watch though also PAINFUL.

Do you believe in McLennon?:  yes & no (keeping this answer because exactly.)

General opinions on McLennon?: This pairing is the only RPF pairing that I find entirely PLAUSIBLE. I think people (especially the public) have been remiss not to treat their relationship (considering John’s likely-if-not-ensured bisexuality) with the same prejudice they treat opposite sex pairings. It’s disgraceful there hasn’t been actual published essays on the subject. There’s so much there! (of course, with some folks still in alive and others guarded by estates, well…).

If you got to change ONE thing about their history, what would it be and why?: The Jesus comment. I think it really poked John into dangerous territory mentally. He wasn’t ready for it.

What song has the best vocals?:  Hey Bulldog! John’s screeching laughter and the barking is just so good. Chosen on both skill and joy-factor.

What song do you feel had no effort put into it?: Nothing actually comes to mind. Maybe Long, Long, Long. But also I just get bored of that song. The drums are good, but the rest of it is just… ugh I don’t get it.

What is a well talked about moment in Beatles history you genuinely believe to be false?: Gonna agree and say “Yoko breaking up the Beatles.” Uhhh, if you don’t think John and George had a LOT to say in the decision you aren’t giving them credit I don’t think.

What is something you KNOW to be true, but often gets erased in their history?: John and Paul were equals.

Least favorite look from a Beatle(s): Difficult, but gotta be Blond Paul McCartney. Stuff of nightmares.

Favorite look from a Beatle(s): Paul fresh in the black and white era. He looked too good in black and white.

I’ll tag... @drivenalphabitchpaulmccartney​ @20forthlin-road​ @paperbackwaiter​ @princessleiaqueen​ @thisbirdhadflownx​ and @esherdemo​ Hope ya’ll tag me in your answers so I can read~! 💖

[uniformbravo]

having a full on existential crisis over an episode of anime i watched tonight

it all started with big time rush

in 2009 a sitcom called big time rush aired for the first time on nickelodeon; it was about a group of four teenaged boys from minnesota who move to hollywood under a famous producer to become his next big boy band sensation. a simple premise, launched into unprecedented success, resulting in four seasons of musical shenanigans, three full music albums, and three big concert tours, including international shows. the band, both fictional and real life, featured four attractive young men by the names of kendall, james, carlos, and logan. they quickly gained a fan base of mostly teenage girls, which resulted in online spaces created for the purpose of sharing their passion, and as is common in such online communities, this certainly involved fanfiction- lots of it.

enter me, a teen in high school who loved to write fanfiction. my big time journey began the day my younger sister decided to put on the show big time rush in the living room, where i sat at the family computer typing away. the noise caught my attention, and i got sucked into the episode. there was a boy wearing a dress on the screen. i became interested.

i watched more of the show. i typed its name into the search bar on the website fanfiction dot net. i had a friend at school who shared my interest in fanfiction, particularly of the slash variety. i introduced her to this new show i had been watching. she shared a fanfic she had enjoyed immensely with me. we dragged each other into the world of big time rush fanfiction reading and writing.

it took over my life; i lived and breathed big time rush. i began posting my own stories to fanfiction dot net. i received positive feedback; i met people. i made friends- two people in particular who became very close friends. we communicated through ffn’s private messaging system, then through email. we talked every day, we wrote stories for and with each other, we exchanged phone numbers. it was one of these friends who introduced me to the website called tumblr, where fellow fans of our beloved big time rush gathered and talked about it- a community.

it was a slow start- this website was new and unfamiliar to me- but eventually i got the hang of things and settled into my niche. i had fun, gained followers, met even more people. tumblr was a place not only for sharing one singular interest, but for accumulating all of your various interests and celebrating them in one place. it was through this aspect that i first learned of the up and coming band known as one direction.

they had released their first smash hit single and everyone was talking about it. i was wary, far too loyal to my beloved big time rush- but eventually i started to feel left out and in an effort to feel included, i decided to take the plunge and see what this “1d” was all about. it was intimidating, though- there was so much information, and no apparent beginner’s guide to tell me where to start. this drove me to making a post calling for a “one direction buddy” to take this role, to introduce me to all the most important aspects of this band. and my call was answered.

enter my wonderful friend cam, a follower of mine at the time. they were into both big time rush and one direction and were eager to provide me with all the information needed to get into 1d. while ultimately this venture didn’t amount to anything, as i lost interest in becoming a fan, my friendship with cam persisted and we grew very close. even as time went on and big time rush faded into the background to be replaced with newer, fresher interests, and our paths as fellow fandom members split, we kept in contact and remained friends. years and years of fandoms, years and years of friendship.

in the midst of the tenth year, cam developed a new interest, in a sport called ice hockey. as is tradition, they shared their passion with me, showing me their favorite team, highlighting their favorite members. we watched a game together. personally, i’ve never been one for sports, but i am quite into anime, which consists of many genres, including the “sports” genre. one in particular that i’ve enjoyed immensely in the past is the volleyball anime, haikyuu!!. this anime devotes a lot of time to explaining and depicting the sport in a way that makes it easy for any viewer to understand the rules and inner workings of volleyball. it’s exciting. it’s the first time i’ve ever even adjacently been invested in a sport. one could even call it a gateway into the world of sports.

all this to say, when i watched that game of ice hockey with cam, the same parts of my brain that loved haikyuu!! lit up and in a classic display of my specific brand of interest, i found myself yearning for the epic highs and lows of ice hockey, but in an animated format. an animated format originating in japan. a japanese animation. an anime. my curiosity burned a hole in my brain that resulted in a combination of the google search bar and the words, “hockey anime”.

to my disappointment, i found nothing- at least, not to the degree i was hoping. there is an upcoming anime, slated to air in the fall 2021 anime season, about a group of girls who form an ice hockey team together- as it is an original project rather than an adaptation, it remains to be seen whether the anime will fall into the category of “sports anime,” or if indeed it will lean much more closely to the “moe” genre. the latter is not what i had in mind during that particular search.

adding the anime called “pride of orange” to my “plan to watch” list on myanimelist dot com, i moved onto the next result: an article about an early 2010’s anime i had never heard of before. while not about the sport i was looking for, it featured a character whose signature weapon was a field hockey stick. it wasn’t even the right sport. it was a weak, insignificant link, but all was not lost.

i happen to have an affinity for watching anime i happen upon completely by random and know little to nothing about; i found the movie “anthem of the heart” purely coincidentally, when i searched the name “jun” as part of some research for one of my original characters and discovered that it was the main character of said movie, which i then watched and ended up enjoying quite a lot. another time, when i was at best buy one day i happened upon a dvd on their dedicated anime shelf for a movie called “hana and alice”, which i had never heard of before. i liked the box art, so i took a picture of it to remember the title and watched it on my own later that week; it became one of my favorite movies.

with these and other similar experiences in mind, i saved the anime in my “plan to watch” list, and, later that same week, began my watch of “sket dance.”

it’s a school comedy anime, one of my favorite genres, so it’s no surprise that after overcoming the initial skepticism i carry into every new show i watch it quickly became my new fixation. not an obsession, but something i was pleasantly surprised to find consistently enjoyable. the characters are fun, the humor is tight and fresh, and the stories are unexpectedly touching at the right moments. everything i like to see.

which brings us to tonight. the culmination of this ten plus year string of events and occurrences. getting into big time rush. joining tumblr. meeting cam. watching anime. searching for hockey anime.

i put down my apple(TM) pencil. i set my ipad aside. i downsized the ebook window i’d been referencing. i stretched; i was hungry and tired. i’d been rereading passages of various animorphs books all day. i needed a break. i needed to sit back with some food and an episode of my latest comfort watch, sket dance. it’d be nice to set the dramatic, tragic world of animorphs aside for something lighthearted and fun in its place.

well.

i sat down with my bowl of strawberries and played the episode. it finished. i watched another. this one broke the formula a bit, played with the art style. i was into it. the preview for the next episode was mysteriously blank, and short, stating only the title. it was intriguing. i’m down for the show to get a bit more serious for an episode, i thought. i’m down for some potential backstory for one of the main three. i’m ready.

i was not ready.

bruh.

b r u h .

next two episodes proceeded to take me out back and beat me to within an inch of my life, slowly at first and then all at once. barely made it out alive. questioning everything. how can a show, so silly and goofy, do that, to me. how could i let my guard down like that. how could i be so tricked, and deceived, and blindsided like this. i don’t know who to trust. i don’t know if i can trust again. whiplash so damaging, permanent. i thought i wanted answers. i thought i wanted to know backstory. i didn’t want this. i never wanted this. emptiness

how did it come to this, these twelve years of my life. had i known back then, would i have posted that fanfiction? would i have joined tumblr? would i have sook out a “one direction buddy”? a hollow husk of a person, i am left with only my thoughts to ponder this small history of mine. the things i could have done differently. the things others could have done differently. all these butterfly effect moments, adding up to what? culminating in what? it’s 2:26 am and i’m writing an essay on how shook i am over that episode instead of going to sleep. but i can’t just say nothing, you know? i need to put something out there, reach deep enough within myself to find the thing that’s still there, broken and huddled and tiny as it is. i need to feel some semblance of the self again. the me from before i watched this episode. the innocent version of myself, blissful in ignorance. it’s too late now.

that episode…………..was fucked up. that was seriously fucked up. im not okay bro they really just came in left field and slapped that in my face expecting me to get up and walk away just fine afterwards like No that isn’t how this Works y’all need to bundle some therapy sessions with ur episodes pullin that shit come ON

exhaustion is taking over the shock, i am simply tired now. i will fall asleep and when i wake up sket dance will be a happy fun show again with NO fucked up backstories ever Or Else. i’m fucking serious right now i’m gonna count to 3 and that shit better be retconned when i turn around,

screams

thank you

[camomills]

Title: Old Souls Relationships: Sinon/Lisbeth; Sinon & Agil Fandom: Sword Art Online Word Count: 1767 Summary: Sinon realizes she is allowing others to become closer to her, and that scares her. A conversation with an older friend might help assuage her fears. Notes: Made for SAO Pride Week 2020 - Day 1: Small Steps. This is a reworked draft from last year's SAO Pride Week that I turned into some Sinon/Lisbeth, mostly Sinon-centric. I also just really wanted to do something with Agil because I think he's a fun character, and I personally think his wise demeanor makes him a nice character to bounce off the younger cast.Thanks to redbluezero for beta reading!

AO3 Link

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The smell of coffee has always been one of Shino’s favorites. It reminds her of rainy days spent in the company of a book in her favorite bookshop, staring mindlessly at the steam as she waited until her drink cooled. It’s no wonder Dicey Café became one of her dearest places.

“Here’s your order!”

The company might have something to do with it, too.

“This one’s on the house,” Rika declares as she sets the cup on the counter, then winks.

From behind her, she hears someone clear their throat.

She slowly turns to meet Agil’s gaze, and sure enough, he’s scowling at her. The grip on the glass he’s drying has turned vice-like.

“That one’s on your salary.”

“Agil, c’mon! Let me be cool!”

They bicker for a short minute, Rika being cheeky whereas Agil is composed. The tone of the discussion is more akin to foolish banter between friends than a squabble between a boss and his employee, so Shino allows herself to laugh at it. 

Rika’s shift soon ends and she heads to the ladies’ room to change. As per usual these days, Shino waits for her so they can keep company to one another on the train ride back home. 

*

Yesterday’s commute was much like any other.

The train car shook and rattled against the steel and gravel tracks as the whirls of metal and the passengers’ chatter filled the compartment. The two girls partook in idle chatter, holding onto the same metal pole to keep their balance inside the box car. Shino’s proximity to Rika allowed the girl to filter the blacksmith’s words through the fog of sound.

Shino’s hands scraped against Rika’s on each stop. 

“So, so,” Rika continued telling excitedly, “he destroyed the best sword in my shop! My masterpiece, turned to smithereens.”

Shino let out a horrified gasp in jest.

“Oh, my. I lost my dear Hecate’s scope trying to help him out in BoB. I wonder if we’re liable for some sort of compensation?”

The two nodded in tandem over their two-person class-action lawsuit plans. They broke the comical act when the train stopped at the next station a bit too roughly, bumping them into each other. They couldn’t contain their chuckles at their own silliness.

“Ah, next one’s my stop,” Rika announced.

Shino knew. They’d been sharing this commute for a while. 

“I’ll be seeing you then. Until next time, Rika.”

Shino expected Rika to leave as the train doors opened, but she approached Shino instead. Rika’s arms bundled around Shino’s frame.

It’s a moment that allowed Shino to take note of a small list of Rika Things. Rika is only taller than her by a few inches, but it’s enough that it allowed her chin to rest on Rika’s shoulder slightly. The fake fur on Rika’s coat bristled against Shino’s nose, gentle and irritating— much like Rika herself, she thought. The pressure at the shorter girl’s back where Rika’s slender fingers intertwined was rough, yet fond.

A wave of warmth radiated through Shino’s body. She weakly squeezed Rika back.

“Until next time!” Rika said as she uncoiled her arms from around the other girl. 

She beamed at Shino before hopping through the train doors, waving as she exited at the station. 

That was the first time Rika had ever hugged her. 

Shino’s body wanted to feel elated, but her brain didn’t allow it; the affection in Rika’s gesture got muddled in her spiral of guilty thoughts. Since when did she allow people to get so close? 

Since when did I let myself want that?

The rest of her commute was spent staring out the cart’s window, hoping that the train’s AC would manage to cool down her emotions before long.

**

As the bathroom door slams shut, Agil rests his arms on the counter and leans against it, a hand sitting upon his bald head.

“Can you believe her? I offered her this part-time job because I knew it’d help her with college, but...” He throws his hands out, his fondness for Lis peeking through a smile fighting his scowl. “You know?”

Mm-hmm, Shino nods empathically, as she’s wont to do with Agil. The company that lures her in here, of course, includes both of the bartenders.

She had grown to care for all of her new friends, but she was caught by surprise at how much she related to Agil, of all people. He is the oldest in their merry band of players, by far, and despite that– no, because of that, they got along.

People her age, throughout most of her experience, were uncaring at best and cruel at worst. The adults around her, dry as they could be, served as the closest to good company she had growing up. There’s a bitter taste in her mouth as Shino realizes she’s grown more proficient in talking to adults due to the past cruelty of all the people her age in her life up until very recently. Thankfully, it’s easy enough to wash it down with the sweetness of the cappuccino Rika had mischievously handed her.

Agil, on the other hand, appreciates having a regular other than Asuna with whom he could default to intellectual conversation and wouldn’t call his establishment, ‘a dump’. How did Kirito manage to rope even Silica into it?

As their conversation strays away from Lisbeth’s demeanor, they fall to their more usual topics: Shino asks about how he manages to do latte art so perfectly every time and he asks if she finally reached the fourth chapter of the book he lent to her a couple of days ago. One “final” plea for him to try out Gun Gale, and his unacceptable excuse that he doesn’t have the time.

Mundane topics like that are their speed, but for once,  Shino has something less mundane in her mind. There’s something in that space, with the gentle ambiance music and the calming presence of a wiser friend, that brings her to feel that Agil is the right person, at that time, for those thoughts.

“I think I like Lis,” she professes like a secret she wished wasn’t true. It doesn’t seem to be the meat of what she has to say, judging from the way her jaw clenches.

Agil simply hums. He’d rather talk about latte art.

“Yeah, I figured. I mean, you really started coming here more often once she started working here.” 

He laughs, a wry, good-natured sound, hard to define between his fondness for the girls and his apathy for the topic.

“I mean… yes. But that’s not the point. How do I…”

 Shino gulps. Her gaze turns to the counter in front of her, where her hands lie. She fiddles with her fingers, watching as her thumbs graze each other through their rotations; staring at them without thinking about the words she’s about to say, are the only way she manages to go through it.

“I guess…  I don’t know if I remember how to be around people. Or if it’s... right, for me to be around people?”

She remembers what those hands did; the cold of steel and the heat of gunfire, the maroon of splattered blood and the gray of post office tiles.

Is it okay for a broken person like me…?

Agil would be lying if he said he’s particularly interested in involving himself in the romantic squabbles of teenagers. The other aspect of her plea, though, is something he’s unfortunately familiar with. He ponders, his face a mix of sagely and worried, as the soft thudding of her trembling hands are barely drowned out by the bar’s blues music.

“I was worried, too, back when I had to come back to my life after SAO.”

Shino raises her gaze to Agil’s eyes. 

“I mean, it's not the same thing, but… it’s hard being around people who judge you for what you went through, and trying to make connections when everyone thinks you’re screwed in the head is a pain in the ass. ‘The game where those freaks killed each other.’ ‘The murderer girl’.”

Agil knows what Shino did. Shino told all of them, eventually. 

“But everyone who spent those two years in the flying castle went through a lot of things they shouldn't have had to, and probably did some things they regret. To others. To themselves. I did, Kirito and Asuna did, and so did Rika. We talk about it…” 

His eyes turn to the ladies’ room’s door, where Rika is changing. He decides her past is not his to divulge.

“Uh. I guess all I’m trying to say is that you’re friends with people who get it, because none of us are sure it’ll ever be okay with people. So, we just stick together. I doubt Rika minds… whatever it is you're worried about? I think people like us have little besides each other.”

The last bit sticks with Shino. As she chews on the words once more, she stares at her hands. The weight they carry is impossibly heavy, but if what Agil says is true, then that means others, too, carry the same burden. 

Her trembling ceases.

He pauses. “Or something?” 

He’s not sure how much sense he is making. 

“I’m not sure how much sense I’m making.”

That gets a chuckle out of her, and that’s good enough for him.

*

Rika exits the bathroom, her former bartender-y, formal-ish ponytail from a few minutes ago undone into a mess of brown hair. Her lack of an apron reveals the cute hammer patterns on her graphic shirt.

"Are you two nerds done talking about nerd stuff?" She says, as if not just as much of one.

Agil and Shino roll their eyes.

"Yeah, we’re done with our nerd stuff."

Rika starts sliding her arm into her jacket, then turns to Shino. “Sweet. Are you ready to go then?”

Shino looks at Agil, who simply offers her a friendly wave and a knowing smile.

“Yeah, I think I’m ready.”

*

The two girls walk off together to the train station. The empty night streets give them quiet, with little to focus on other than the sound of boots hitting pavement, the cold breeze, and each other. It’s then when, bashful yet confident, Shino tries to interlock her fingers with Rika’s.

Rika squeezes her hand in return, rough yet fond. 

As Rika wordlessly taps her fingers on Shino’s knuckles, Shino realizes that Agil was right. There’s no way that those hands, fitting so perfectly together, were meant to be apart. Perhaps such heavy hands have no other pairs but each other, and that is fine.

[whyiloveparkjimin]

Regarding Online Trolling and Bullying

I have been involved in K-pop for quite a while—since 2005 actually (I was a huge fan of the five-member TVXQ and since then I’ve been a staunch supporter of various K-pop groups). I’ve seen K-pop acts come and go, and I’ve seen the fandom change in incredible ways. It’s amazing to witness the growth of the fandom particularly outside of Korea—I went from being the weird girl listening to Asian music to now someone who was ahead of her time, haha. I love that the internet brings so much exposure to the amazing talent in Korea, and I love seeing so many more non-Korean fans like myself engage in promoting their favorite groups.

Of course, there is never light without a shadow. While I’m proud of how well the K-pop fandom promotes our favorite artists to grow our numbers almost every day, I’m also heartbroken at the increased number of online trolls and bullying.

Here’s the thing—and I’m sure you knew it was coming —I love f(x). I liked them from the beginning, and I was sad when Sulli left the group. After she left, she made a lot of choices in her personal life that were controversial in the conservative society she lived in. I even remember being mildly shocked by her behavior every once in a while. But here’s the thing—I would never, never, waste time trying to publicly criticize her or try to get others to band together with me to publicly condemn her choices. What is the point in that? She was not engaged in criminal behavior (which is the only behavior that I think is appropriate to publicly condemn). Why would I spend my time and energy pulling someone down when I could spend my time promoting and building up the people I love?

Even if Sulli wasn’t on my list of top favorite idols, I still cared about her. I was sad knowing how much crap she got from nameless internet bullies. And look—when news of her death came out, even when it was not a confirmed suicide because there was no suicide note—everyone already knew why she died. Everyone in the entertainment industry widely knew how much she had been bullied by trolls. And here’s the thing: NO ONE DID ANYTHING WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING. Not her agency, not other non-troll fans. It took her death to wake us up from complacency.

Now, I want to use another example. Sulli was widely known to receive more hate comments than support comments. But what about more popular celebrities? Do they deserve defending as well?

Let’s use my current Kpop bias Park Jimin from BTS as an example. He is regarded as one of the most popular figures in pop music at the moment and gets plenty of love from fans all over the world. In fact, he broke a record on his birthday: for a while the top 20 Twitter trending hashtags were all for Jimin. That’s a lot of worldwide love. However, later that day his anti-fans made a hate Jimin hashtag trend in Korea at #2. I can’t tell you how angry that made me—and not just because Jimin is my bias. It doesn’t matter that the love and support he receives is more than that of the hate. The thing is, that kind of relentless, senseless hate of anti-fans is exactly the sort of thing that killed our sweet Sulli. What kind of people are so threatened by the success of an entertainer they don’t personally like that they make sure to send him tens of thousands of hate messages on his birthday?

It’s those who gain some sort of twisted satisfaction by being cruel. They are people who either don’t bother to understand or don’t care about the far-reaching mental effects of what they do. Now, bullying is sadly something most people deal with in some form in their lives. It’s kind of normal between siblings and on the elementary school playground. But there comes a point where we are old enough to understand that words hurt and can leave scars upon the soul. There comes a point where we are old enough to understand that there is a difference between ‘just expressing your opinion’ and being purposefully malicious. RM once confessed that he had spent 5 hours, even 5 days thinking about hate comments like “I hate him” that were written in a 5 mere seconds by some individual online [who probably never thought about that careless comment again]. Becoming famous does not magically make you mentally immune to cruelty. It doesn’t matter how popular or unpopular a celebrity is. Purposefully cruel comments are mentally damaging to those whom the comments are written about. End of argument.

Here’s the important part. I understand that most of us aren’t internet trolls ourselves. But (and I’ve been guilty of this myself) when we do nothing to speak out against trolls or to stop this toxic internet culture, we are basically giving malicious bullies the green light to continue and spread their behavior. Forgive the extreme example, but it’s like the people who rolled over and did nothing while the Nazis took control in parts of Europe in the 1930s and 40s. History will judge us for not speaking out against hateful rhetoric, whether expressed against celebrities or non-celebrities, while the mental health of hundreds of thousands of people declines because of our inaction.

So what can we do? Report trolls. Block nasty people. Don’t follow sasaeng accounts even if they reveal what you think is interesting information/photos of your favorite idols—these fake fans are basically stalkers who intrude on idols’ privacy, and we should not condone such behavior. Don’t spread rumors. It’s okay at some level to have fun and speculate as long as you clearly state you are only guessing—don’t spread a theory as truth just because you’d like to believe it’s true.

There’s even a way to call out your online friends in a kind way when they’re engaging in toxic public comment culture. Perhaps say something like, “Hey, instead of spending time hating on ____, why don’t we just spend our time building awareness and clout for those celebs we do support?” We all can and should do more to promote behavior that is healthy and supportive instead of cruel and destructive. In a world that grows ever meaner and petty, with even our political leaders using social media to attack others, let’s be the ones that start the change. Let’s be the generation to be proud of by fighting maliciousness with kindness.

Kindness is never something you’ll regret when you look back on your life. Mean and harsh words that cut others down will never be something to look back with pride on. Let’s all be the change we wish to see.

If this post resonates with you, please consider reblogging it. It’s a message worth spreading.

[thisiskatsblog]

Soup, Sex and Sun Salutations

Fixed it!

[Note: all it took was some copypasting - just the italics are mine]

“We had the chance to sit down over some miso soup with Harry Styles. We didn’t talk about his new album at all but were charmed by the way he challenges gender norms and by what he had to say about sexuality, his female fans, feminism, while male privilege, toxic masculinity, his publicity relationship stunts, and how meditation and yoga have helped him deal with it all. ”

Challenging gender norms

He’s got a white floppy hat that Diana Ross might have won from Elton in a poker game at Cher’s mansion circa 1974.

His nail polish is pink and mint green.

He’s also carrying his purse — no other word for it.

He hosted the Met Gala with Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Alessandro Michele, and Anna Wintour serving an eyebrow-raising black lace red-carpet look.

He is the official face of a designer genderless fragrance, Gucci’s Mémoire d’une Odeur.

Harry said in his speech (note: for Stevie Nicks). “She knows what you need: advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl.” He added, “She’s responsible for more running mascara — including my own — than all the bad dates in history.”

Refusing to put a label on his sexuality

Harry likes to cultivate an aura of sexual ambiguity, as overt as the pink polish on his nails. 

He’s asking questions about culture, gender, identity, new ideas about masculinity and sexuality.

He’s dated women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality

On his first solo tour, he frequently waved the pride, bi, and trans flags, along with the Black Lives Matter flag. In Philly, he waved a rainbow flag he borrowed from a fan up front: “Make America Gay Again.” One of the live fan favorites: “Medicine,” a guitar jam that sounds a bit like the Grateful Dead circa Europe ’72, but with a flamboyantly pansexual hook: “The boys and girls are in/I mess around with them/And I’m OK with it.

He’s always had a flair for flourishes like this, since the 1D days. An iconic clip from November 2014: Harry and Liam are on a U.K. chat show. The host asks the oldest boy-band fan-bait question in the book: What do they look for in a date? “Female,” Liam quips. “That’s a good trait.” Harry shrugs. “Not that important.” Liam is taken aback. The host is in shock. On tour in the U.S. that year, he wore a Michael Sam football jersey, in support of the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. He’s blown up previously unknown queer artists like King Princess and Muna

His worst fears

“While I was in the band,” he says, I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ ”

About Rainbow Direction 

“Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes”

“It’s a room full of accepting people.… If you’re someone who feels like an outsider, you’re not always in a big crowd like that,” he says. 

At one of his earliest solo shows, in Stockholm, he announced, “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are transgender — whoever you are, whoever you want to be, I support you. I love every single one of you.

What do those flags onstage mean to him? “I want to make people feel comfortable being whatever they want to be,” he says. “Maybe at a show you can have a moment of knowing that you’re not alone.”

“To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” 

About vulnerability, toxic masculinity, and meditation

“I’m discovering how much better it makes me feel to be open with friends. Feeling that vulnerability, rather than holding everything in”

“I feel pretty lucky to have a group of friends who are guys who would talk about their emotions and be really open,” he says. “My friend’s dad said to me, ‘You guys are so much better at it than we are. I never had friends I could really talk to. It’s good that you guys have each other because you talk about real shit. We just didn’t.’”

“I was such a skeptic going in,” he says. “But I think meditation has helped with worrying about the future less, and the past less. I feel like I take a lot more in—things that used to pass by me because I was always rushing around. It’s part of being more open and talking with friends. It’s not always the easiest to go in a room and say, ‘I made a mistake and it made me feel like this, and then I cried a bunch.’ But that moment where you really let yourself be in that zone of being vulnerable, you reach this feeling of openness. That’s when you feel like, ‘Oh, I’m fucking living, man.’”

Doesn’t this ambiguous sexuality clash with his public image?

He’s dated [a string of high-profile] women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality - [and] he never gets caught uttering any of their names in public.

We’re off to the pub,” he tells his mom. “We’re going to talk some shop.” She smiles sweetly. “Talk some shit, probably,” says Anne.

“It’s not like I’ve ever sat and done an interview and said, ‘So I was in a relationship, and this is what happened,’” he says. “Because, for me, music is where I let that cross over. It’s the only place, strangely, where it feels right to let that cross over.”

So how does he feel about the industry?

“Only a city as narcissistic as L.A. would have a street called Los Angeles Street,” he says.

About his female fans, and about feminism

He’s always had a fervent female fandom, and, admirably, he’s never felt a need to pretend he doesn’t love it that way. “They’re the most honest — especially if you’re talking about teenage girls, but older as well,” he says. “They have that bullshit detector. You want honest people as your audience. We’re so past that dumb outdated narrative of ‘Oh, these people are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talking about. They’re the people who listen obsessively. They fucking own this shit. They’re running it.”

“To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” He sips his tea. “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a room, asking them to bear with him.”

He doesn’t have the uptightness some people have about sexual politics, or about identifying as a feminist. “I think ultimately feminism is thinking that men and women should be equal, right? People think that if you say ‘I’m a feminist,’ it means you think men should burn in hell and women should trample on their necks. No, you think women should be equal. That doesn’t feel like a crazy thing to me. I grew up with my mum and my sister — when you grow up around women, your female influence is just bigger. Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want a lot of credit for being a feminist. It’s pretty simple. I think the ideals of feminism are pretty straightforward.”

About white male privilege

“It’s not about, ‘Oh, I get what it’s like,’ because I don’t. For example, I go walking at night before bed most of the time. I was talking about that with a female friend and she said, ‘Do you feel safe doing that?’ And I do. But when I walk, I’m more aware that I feel OK to walk at night, and some of my friends wouldn’t. I’m not saying I know what it feels like to go through that. It’s just being aware.”   

I’m aware that as a white male, I don’t go through the same things as a lot of the people that come to the shows. I can’t claim that I know what it’s like, because I don’t. So I’m not trying to say, ‘I understand what it’s like.’ I’m just trying to make people feel included and seen.”

On tour, he had an End Gun Violence sticker on his guitar; he added a Black Lives Matter sticker, as well as the flag. “It’s not about me trying to champion the cause, because I’m not the person to do that,” he says. “It’s just about not ignoring it, I guess. I was a little nervous to do that because the last thing I wanted was for it to feel like I was saying, ‘Look at me! I’m the good guy!’ I didn’t want anyone who was really involved in the movement to think, ‘What the fuck do you know?’ But then when I did it, I realized people got it. Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’”

Heartbreak and loss

As Stevie starts to sing “Landslide” — “I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around youuuu” — Anne walks over to where Harry sits. She crouches down behind him, reaches her arms around him tightly. Neither of them says a word. They listen together and hold each other close to the very end of the song. Everybody in Wembley is singing along with Stevie, but these two are in a world of their own.

[Note: I doubted a bit whether to include that last part, but then I did, because this HS2 is apparently an album about sadness, and the description of that moment reminded me painfully of the real heartbreak and sadness Harry and Anne have had to deal with in recent years. So here’s a little shoutout to Anne who lost Robin, so recently still. Wishing her all the courage to continue building her life without him at the center of it. We love you.]

[sunnysynthsunshine]

6th Comedy Monologue

“So folks, that whole Brexit rubbish is finally over isn’t it?”

“I know, some of us could see it coming and Teresa May looks like the spitting image

of the stepmother from Cinderella

how come nobody has noticed that yet?

we all have politicians we don’t like don’t we?

at times like this, I have to remind myself Teresa May is a very well liked woman

but then I remember back in the day Margaret Thatcher was also a very well liked woman

don’t you think she and Teresa may are quite similar?

well this is how she’d treat a political problem

*attempts impersonation*

“what’s that? ok men I did you to do this and then this and then this and this”

whereas Teresa may would handle the situation like…

*attempts impersonation*

what’s this? oh leave it for a few months

but the main thing is they both hate poor people so who cares what they think

I actually sort of understand why people like Jeremy Corbyn but I had written that previous gag back in late June of last year, speaking of outdated gags

Pirates were the communists and socialists of the 17th century

they wanted money, disagreed with colonialism and didn’t care what the government thought of them

like with communists they were accepting and inclusive but they wanted gold

the pirates accepted many on their ship they allowed homosexuality, they allowed women in strong roles  there were great times had on the high seas

even with the loot, they got they’d share it evenly what other power was involved with being inclusive with most things except money Oh Yeah! the communists

Yes, Yes we’ll handle it we’ll accept you but give us all your money

communism is a good concept but in the end, people get greedy for the money

like with pirates

we’ll accept you matey but give us some gold

however they didn’t agree about the government, they had their own independent pirate crews and disagreed with colonialism and capitalism

kind of like some of us, I think

we criticize politics, we like to party and we accept most people except colonialists …and capitalists...

Oh well, at least there’s been good music with Marina and the diamonds, Ariana Grande and the 1975

We, humans, love music

which makes me think about bands related to Homosapians

in the 60s we had the Monkees good band good name

and now we have Arctic Monkeys, Gorillaz, Rang a Tang and Apes

what about the lesser known homosapian types

Chimpanzees and Baboons

if music existed in Planet of the Apes

the Kate Bush hit Babooshka would be about a

monkey looking for love after getting his heart broken seeing his wife cheat on him with an older mandrill

only to fall in love again with who he’d call his baboonska

Animals are interesting creatures whether they are made of glass, made of 1960s haircuts or made of the first songs of a math rock band

Another good thing about music and animals is that Roger Taylor is going to help us save the bees

Thinking bee! Thinking queen! thinking bee! Thinking queen!

Speaking of which there’s been a whole glam rock/synthpop revival going on

And I love that

although as a kid I watched media from all sorts of different decades

While they watched Jersey Shore and Love Island I was watching Disney and CBBC sitcoms mixed with Japanese cartoons and shows from years before like Jem and the holograms, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the original my little pony series.

I would also watch funnybones, the original noody series from a VHS I “borrowed” from my neighbours, as well as the Muppet show and some classic cinema.

I think it’s amazing that this revival is happening it’s like the 60s,70s,80s,90s and early 2000s are all going on at the same time.

Revolutionary anarchic protests, Androgynous rockers, Neon colours, post-punk indie shows, peculiar fashion trends and reality shows as well as the cybernetic future beyond

But I’m also cold and angry about how this is happening because on the other hand, there are things carried over from previous decades that shouldn’t still be around...fascists in positions of power, nonces in the entertainment industry, Threat of a nuclear war, low economy, Jamie Oliver, Piers Morgan, Death, Pollution,Misogyny,Misandry,Sexism,Racism and White Supremacy

I could list more, but I can’t think at the moment I’m focusing on my work while morons on Twitter and Tumblr are yabbering on about vegan sausage rolls.

I’ve never tried Greggs before but I’m sure the vegans and vegetarians are happy that a mainstream chain like Greggs has made a product catered specifically for them, whereas before if you asked for a “vegan option” at a restaurant the waiter would scratch their neck.

However not all restaurants are like this,having to work overtime dealing with angry parents,screaming children and the odd nazi at Mcdonalds is not an easy task,yet so many waiters and workers across the world are able to somehow keep those businesses afloat,you guys, girls and comrades don’t get enough credit,you should be paid more,no wonder so many mainstream restaurants are having strikes or running out of food and people are either going to more independently funded places or ordering online to get their daily dose of fast fried convenience.

and while I would be interested in trying a vegetarian diet,It would be hard for me to give up eating chicken that quickly but I don’t really eat meat that often,and before you say anything as long as cannibals don’t use their choice of food in a dangerous way they’re ok with me, it’s no different to when our prehistoric ancestors had to hunt to find food in order to survive,some people still have to do that,it’s sad...it really is,while Christianity isn’t something I believe in anymore, it did say in the bible that Jesus shared his bread and food with his people,and I think some of us should start doing that,and if you already do whether it’s a snack you have or leaving out leftover food from your side takeaway business, that’s brilliant your making more people happy and your allowing more people to enjoy food and to have access to that basic human necessity that we all should be able to have to access to.

Sharing is another primary school lesson it feels like half of humanity has forgotten about outside of basic decency and kindness, but I’m probably not the one to talk about that since I was called “Rude” for most of my life.

there’s a big difference between telling someone they’re a plonker and making someone more aware of how they can improve themselves as a person.

Most of us all have flaws, most of us have had toxic moments,

we’ve all at times had moments where we’ve said something wrong that we didn’t mean,

or times where our cowardliness has accidentally caused misunderstandings and drama

or times where we didn’t intend to sound hurtful but that’s how it came across, or times where we’ve blindly followed toxic people, imitating their actions without meaning to or just generally times where we’ve been ignorant little eijjits.

Even people some would say were flawless had flaws or problematic aspects about them

David Bowie wasn’t too nice to his wife Angie in later years, Graham Lineman and Robert Webb are transphobic, Rowan Atkinson supports Boris Johnson’s “so-called” jokes and Ricky Gervais doesn’t like hearing people with different opinions than him.

Overthinking however can exaggerate this, overthinking can take that one time you were a bit rude as a child and that problematic “fandom” phase you had as a preteen and make you feel like your worst person in the world.

Your not, but most of us have had moments,there’s also the “not like other girls/boys phase” sometimes it’s just a light-hearted comparison drawing or blog post taken out of context other times it’s the grown-up equivalent of saying “I like this thing over your other thing that means I’m better than you”

Considering my at times cold thoughts it’s weird that I’m the person of all people telling you this

It’s perfectly ok to be prideful and narcissistic just don’t be so arrogant that you forget about your morals and the people that you're close to, but if at times because of mental health you question your levels of empathy, sympathy and compassion that’s ok too, your voices deserve to be heard, and there is help available you can find it through helplines, organizations or even your own comrades.

Outside of all the twits in this horrid fishbowl of a world, there are also millions of very kind nice people, I don’t know where I’d be now without my comrades

The offline pals who are like my sunshine because they brighten up my day,the old secondary school friends that made me feel less alone,the online people who I can vent to, converse with and joke with,the bloggers from years ago that I still sometimes keep in touch with and the creators who through their work in Media, Theatre and the Arts were able to encourage me to keep going, keep working, keep creating.

I think your all lovely and beautiful and creative human beings, no matter what identity you are, what music genre you listen to or what topping you prefer on your pizza

I will most likely adore you and if I haven’t it’s probably because I haven’t met you yet

You are one biscuit of cells, on this fishbowl planet, your mind is a land of wonder and your body is the garden surrounding it, take care of yourself like how you take care of your garden, your pets or the fictional characters you write about.

Your future might not be the future you expect, but it’s one you’ll enjoy.

if you are doing something you love which harms nobody, be as happy and passionate about it as you like

you are a person who deserves the world

Don’t push yourself too hard, if you know you’re doing a good job keep at it, don’t stress yourself too hard, but remember not to procrastinate, your mental health is important, some people might not understand all of the issues you’re going through, but you can make it out alive.

You're, not a number or statistic you're a person, your a beautiful, Kind, incredible, wise person

spread some love and don’t forget what the late Freddie Mercury said,

Keep yourself Alive!

[xharuka17x]

Fanfiction Questions

The questions were posted by vorchagirl. So I decided to reply to them! :) 

Fanfiction Questions

Fandom Questions

1. What was the first fandom you got involved in?

Sailor Moon & Gundam Wings

2. What is your latest fandom?

Supernatural

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?

SM, GW and SPN

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?

Yes and No, there’s good and bad moments

5. Which fandoms have your written fanfiction for?

GW and SPN

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

Sailor Moon/Tuxedo Mask from SM, Heero/Trowa from GW and Dean/Castiel from SPN

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.

Tuxedo Mask/Anyone other then Sailor Moon, Heero/Duo, Trowa/Quatre for GW and Dean/Sam for SPN

8. How did you get involved in your latest fandom?

SPN conventions!

9. What are the best things about your current fandom?

Destiel, plus all the friends I have made

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

Nope

Ship Questions for your Current Fandom 11. Who is your current OTP? Destiel

12. Who is your current OT3? None

13. Any NoTPs? Dean/Sam

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs? Gabriel and Castiel

15. Is there an obscure ship which you love? Jody/Donna

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike? Wincest, Winchestiel, John with any of TFW, 

17. Who was your first OTP and are they still your favourite? My first real OTP with Heero/Trowa and yup, still love them. 

18. What ship have you written the most about? Destiel!

19. Is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them? Nope

20. Any ships which you surprised yourself by liking? Dean/Benny, Dean/Jody, Sam/Rowena

Author Questions 21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? Love & Lost for GW

22. Is there anything you regret writing? Nope

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it. Big Bad & His Bunny, Its different and barely has any dialog which was something I wanted to try conveying. 

24. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit? I need to get most of my earlier fics beta’d for sure lol no rewrites. 

25. What’s your most popular fanfic? Eucalyptus & Buying an Alpha

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles? No clue, they just hit me while I write out my fic idea lol

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries? Writing Summaries... I’m horrible at it....

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of? I’ve been lucky and privileged to have already worked with a few amazing artist, so...

29. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not? Yup, 2! Helps a lot sense English is my second language lol

30. What inspires you to write? Ideas and plots that I want to read myself. 

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing? Oh I’ve been honored by many heart warming comments, I can’t pin down just one lol 

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you? Yes and no, depends on my mood. I listen to every genre of music, so sometimes I only want instrumental to get me going. Other times, depending the scene I am working on, I don’t want interruptions/outside influences that music can have lol

33. Do you write oneshots, multi-chapter fics or huuuuuge epics? Oneshots and multi-chapter fics

34. What’s the word count on your longest fic? Over 100k

35. Do you write drabbles? If so, what do you normally write them about? Sure and Destiel lol

36. What’s your favourite genre to write? I love Angst, love heavy feels

37. First person or third person - what do you write in and why? Past tense, I have a hard time reading first person fics, much less write them lol

38. Do you use established canon characters or do you create OCs? Established 

39. What is you greatest strength as a writer? Putting out stories others will enjoy. 

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing? Procrastination 

Fanfiction Questions 41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading: Not currently reading anything, lol busy writing

42. List and link to 5 fanfiction authors who are amazing: SillyBlue,  jupiter_james, Unforth, Annie D, sir_kingsley

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you? Honestly, the artist do. Diminuel, Kamicom, pond0109, maru-1218, pa-hu, yayeeh1344, booksuepin, xxmusiclifexx, quim-vaa, castielsgal, hellredskyart, aureritart, askcastielangelofthelord, chineseyellowcat, elicedraws, thefriendlypigeon, purgatory-jar, cecylia0731, lineneart, consulting-cannibal, nile-kun, vinnie-chan, cheriiart, Ranya-nii, blew-san, I know I'm forgetting so many.... but yes.

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention? Dean/Jody!!

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic? I honesty don’t have one

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why? Um... well I suppose the more popular ones? Eucalyptus, Buying an Alpha, Football & Pride, and Save Me.

47. Archive Of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or Tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why? AO3, its easy

48. Do you leave reviews when you read fanfiction? Why/Why not? Yes because other deserve love for their effort and time they put into creating their story too. 

49. Do you care if people comment/reblog your writing? Why/why not? I love comments and its a big honor if my stories get re-blogged to share. 

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction? A friend in high school showed me Sailor Moon and GW fanfiction and well, I’ve always wanted to be a writer and boom! 

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go! I love the diversity in the many kinds of ships, BUT I think too many fans waste time hating on others and their ship(s). Just ship and let ship man. Luv is luv. 

[inopinion]

Writing prompt: "would you give everything up, if it would save him?" "No."

Another prompt given to me pre-War Storm. Forgive the late delivery.

See Part 1 here…

@lilyharvord, @mareshmallow, @redqueenfandom, @anyone-anything-canbetrayanyone, @tiberias-vii, @runexandra, @mom2reesie, @scarletguardsource,  @adraxsteia, @redqueenfandom,  @wrenskonos, @Maria-habs, @cordelnight, @naercxy, @morebooks-pls, @lamemathpuns, @booksmusicmoviesandmore, @thespacebetweenthestars, @book-fandoms-rule-the-world, @juggyandbetty, @redqueen214, @giihmonzane13…

Remember, War Storm Spoilers are involved…

And reblog to share with a friend.

Paranoia isn’t an unfamiliar partner after what I’d been through, but I am certain it’s not just my damaged psyche nor the influence of the alcohol. People are watching us. Strangers that I don’t know crane their necks and track us off the dance floor. Each step becomes a stomp that defies their judgement–real or imaginary. 

So close to him, I can’t imagine allowing enough space to do anything but test the strength of the thread holding his buttons. Cal is like no other lover I’ve ever had because there is.. was.. I guess is actual love between us. Has been, will be, forever. Some part of me belongs to him even if that part got left behind on a battlefield. Perhaps he carries it with him like I carry his earring. I’m eager to see if I can find it, the search will be fun enough of a reward.

Except, Farley looks at me like she looks at Clara when she’s headed for a collision with gravity. But I know she’ll let me fall and scrape my knees and cry just the same. Only Clara gets a cuddle and set back on her feet. Farley won’t patch the holes I tear into myself. We’ve been through too much together for me not to respect what that look means: slow down.

Just outside the door I stall. He slows to match. I swing my head around. He takes note of our surroundings. We stop entirely.

Cal is agitated, glaring at a gaping serving girl. He exudes enough warmth that I don’t think I’d need a coat even though it’s snowing. He tugs me, resigned to the gossips. But It doesn’t feel right leaving with him, not like it did before I saw Farley’s face.

“Door’s there. Or I guess we could find some place here to talk.” He waves around us. I swallow. There is no place in the palace without ears. “Second thoughts?” he asks, bitterness coating his tone as he internalizes my hesitation.

He drops my hand and runs his fingers through the curls on his head. It sticks up in weird ways showing exactly how long the top has gotten. I have a third thought, then a fourth, but that’s mostly the alcohol.

“Hey, I want to talk. We should talk. How often are we in the same place, right?”  I cringe at his wince. I’m an expert at throwing salt in his wounds. “I just don’t think now is a good time. I mean, I have had more wine than I should. We deserve clear heads, right?”

He swallows, agrees because there’s no other option being given then we hastily make plans. He is scheduled in most of the same sessions as Farley. Almost an entire week completely booked from nine to six. Dinners with various councils and factions take up his nights. I can hear the unspoken conclusion: this is the only time he isn’t already booked.

“But you have to eat lunch, right?” I ask before he can suggest otherwise.

“Provided.”

“But it’s not scheduled. I mean, it isn’t for Farley. Can you get away for lunch? I know a cafe that makes nice sandwiches.”

“Okay, lunch, I guess. I get out of session at eleven-thirty, rejoin at one-fifteen. So, at best, ninety-minutes.”

“Plenty of time,” I respond. 

Cal’s face falls. He looks as if he can’t breath, a feeling I know so well that I hurt for him. But I can’t quite fathom why he’s stricken when he never answered my last letter. 

“If you’re not ready, that’s okay. It’s okay.” He doesn’t sound like he’s talking to me but to himself, assuring himself. 

His chin snaps up in a court-trained posture. He’s let his emotions drip down his sleeves and he makes an effort to recover. 

“I meant to start talking. I didn’t mean… I don’t know Cal. Don’t look at me like that.” I can’t help but snap at his neutral mask.

The muscle in his jaw flexes. His eyes are steady and controlled, his temperature moderated, and his voice even when he says,  “Where is this cafe?”

Cal gives me whiplash when he squeezes my hand gently and pulls his lip up on one side. Regardless of how much time it is, or what gets said, or what he thinks I’ll say when we get there, we have a date. No, not a date. A meeting. It’s just a meeting, we’ll talk, catch up, trade war stories like other soldiers. We’ll see where he is and where I am. And it’s a fucking date, and I can’t help the surge of excitement.

I walk away, back to Farley who’s critiquing dancers on the floor with another Red General. I’m too caught up in how quickly my word choice crushed Cal to remember her name. One hand, he still likes me, obviously. On the other, he didn’t exactly strike me as emotionally stable. Then again, I almost broke down before dinner just from seeing him, so who am I to talk?

“Oh, you’re still here. Lovely, let’s leave,” Farley muses, flashing teeth.

“Leave? There’s still wine isn’t there?” I smirk as I snag another glass. 

I don’t see Cal reenter the ballroom nor can I stop looking for him. I don’t even finish the glass. I hold it just to make Farley wait, which she does with expressive sighs and head rolls. Clara kept her up the night before, too excited about visiting grandma to sleep. But if I wasn’t a pain in Farley’s side, would she still think of me as a sister?

Wriggling out of ballgowns, even those so delicately tailored to my requests, is still a relief second only to a hot bath. Farley’s tub is not luxurious. It barely holds enough water to consider it a soak and my knees stick out if I want my shoulders in, but still, I fill it with water, bubbles and –for good measure– I drop Clara’s mersive and her battleship from eye height just to see them splash.

Between evasive maneuvers and using a bubble-cloud as a fog-storm, my mind veers off of elementary battle tactics and towards the more dangerous realm of silver princes. Ex-princes. Generals. Men.

Cal got upset so quickly I wonder if he expected to sweep me off the dance floor and back into his life. I very nearly left with him. I could have let him carry me out the door and to where ever he has a bed if only for a few more minutes of his warmth. But that was always our problem, too much chemistry and not enough math. We never added things up, not until the very end, and then we were both surprised when we couldn’t quite make it work. Bad analogy, I was never that great with math. 

More like we’re two pieces so closely shaped that if you squinted, we fit together perfectly. But eyes wide open, at least when we last parted, there were gaps. We didn’t fit. I couldn’t keep squinting and neither could he.

Maybe I’ve managed to fill-in the right parts of me, and maybe he’s made himself into a new shape, too. That’s what I hoped time would give us. Walking away last night, seeking a clearer head, I don’t think I could have done that before. Surging with pride, I sink the mersive to strike the battleship from below.

“Don’t sleep all day,” Farley tosses something at me, it lands with a thud. She’s out the door before I can roll over.

Bundled together with a rubber-band are brochures, pamphlets, and adds from a newspaper all about jobs. Red retraining programs touting the achievement of a true education and a trade all in one. The Guard’s military brochure is a three page tri-fold with the benefits listed in bold, red letters on a white background. The Montfort pamphlets are similar but green and lack a navy. More describe the training to join the tech sectors in the old tech towns. I let them fall on the floor and flop back over. 

It’s not that I don’t want a job, or that I don’t have one. I just don’t have one that pays money with any regularity. I can smell my mom’s complaining on the bold gesture. When we first got to our small town west of Ascendant, I helped Gisa set up her shop, read documents, kept the ledgers, took down orders. But Gisa learned to read and write and then there was little for me around the shop. Besides, my mom deserved the easy job of helping my sister. I haven’t held a steady job since. I’m unreliable. I’m flighty. I’m sensitive to sounds, fast movement, aggressive tones. At least Farley had the sense to offer me service positions, when I tell mom where I got the brochures, she’s gonna let Farley have it.

With a small pinch of joy, I fall back asleep imagining Farley’s face as my mother lectures her on getting me out of trouble and not into it.

The sun is high and the light is beautiful through the translucent drapes over the windows. They alternate purple and blue and cream creating shadows and casting color on the plain walls. I haven’t woken so rested in a long time, at least a month. My stomach growls.

I am hungry.

The sun is up, high in the sky.

Flying from the couch to the kitchen I squint through sleepy eyes at the clock and panic. There’s no time. I yank on pants, a mostly clean shirt and stuff my feet into boots. I squirt some tooth paste into my mouth and rinse with water. I am leaving five minutes later than I should. I run and it feels so good to be heading somewhere, to have the adrenaline, to chase that high all the way up the hill and down the other.

At the bottom of the hill, work crews struggle. Water pulses out of the storm drain onto the street. On the edges, it freezes into ice and builds up in layers as the waves come faster than the nymph can redirect. The silver isn’t very powerful and can do little more than redirect the water. The entire street is blocked.

I race up the hill to the road at the top and rush down half a block to the alley and then back down the hill. The detour forces me to loop around the building that holds the cafe. The clock on the bank across the street says it’s almost noon. I am nearly thirty minutes late, fifteen if he didn’t leave the council until eleven-thirty.

Through the door, I pause to watch. I want to see him without him knowing that I’m watching. I want to read him, how he is without me. How he is when he’s on his own and not a general or a lord of a high house. He looks stoically at the server behind the counter. His coat floats up as his arm pushes into it and pulls it on, preparing to leave. When the server looks away, he glances back at the table in the corner. Cal turns back, eyebrows drawn together, mouth looking pained. A few coins come out of his hand and fall in the tip jar. A bag is pushed across to him, his lunch to-go. I time it so that I walk through just as he turns to head out so I can clearly see his face.

He is appropriately disconcerted that his path is blocked, then his entire face lightens as he flushes. Blood rushes his cheekbones, he blushes into a pallor and a coy smile. Cal’s caught not knowing what to say, lips moving, tongue still. His eyes are so soft and kind and then concerned.

“Thought you might have gotten lost,” he lies.

“Nope. Just late.” I step forward. 

For every two steps, he backs up one, leading me towards the table in the corner. He slips his jacket off and sets it on the chair, his back to the wall. I peel off my coat and drape it over the chair.

“I’ll just order, be right back.”

I order a sandwich, a cup of coffee, and an apple. Cal isn’t fast enough to look away when I glance over, but the fact that he tries confirms where his eyes were wondering. It’s nice to know he still appreciates me in that way. I hope we’re ready to consider something a little more. As weak as I am when it comes to him, I try to swear my self to a resolution: slow, steady, and not just for the sizzle.

“I over slept.”

“Ah, the troubles of the victors.” He teases, I think. 

I don’t laugh, stuffing my mouth with a bite of food instead. 

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Not if you’re going to talk with your mouth full.” 

The disgust on his face is real. That makes me laugh for real. I cover my mouth with my hand, somewhere between me and Mareena in my manners. He unwraps his sandwich.

“So?” I ask.

“So… how’s your family? Do they like Montfort?”

If he’s asked Farley then he should know, but it’s an easy enough topic to break the ice. He keeps me talking. He asks about everyone: mom, dad, Gisa, Bree, Tramie –no one is left out.

“And finally, Kilorn. What’s that fucker up to?”

There is no other way I would want someone to refer to Kilorn. For all he is, he is at his very heart a pain in the ass. An amazing, wonderfully loyal and insufferable friend. He has managed to endear himself not just to me and my family but to Farley, and Cameron, and even, apparently to Cal. 

“Couldn’t keep him away from the water. He’s in the Nortan Navy. We get letters sometimes, mostly he’s bored. Sometimes he’s in trouble. But he’s always got a good group of people around him.”

“What ship?”

“The Cardinal.”

“I’ll keep tabs.” He holds my gaze and I know that even now, Cal will help keep Kilorn safe in what ever way he can, for me.

“Thanks.” I catch myself dry mouthed and tired lips. My coffee is cooling and my sandwich is only missing a few bites while his is all gone. I’ve talked so long. “What about you?”

“Well, you know. I’ve got fewer to look after, I guess it makes things dull.” He pushes quickly past the pain but I see it all the same. “I just keep my soldiers fit, ready, mind our posts.”

“You haven’t picked up a hobby?”

“I have, actually. I am becoming an expert at budgeting.” He smiles broadly, proud and cheerful in acknowledging his new position. 

“Damn, did you have to cut back on the armor?” His eyes flick past me, again.

He’s been looking over my shoulder, at the door every few minutes. I turn and look. The door swings shut and a patron greets another at a table. 

“You waiting for someone else?” I ask, turning back.

“No. I am here completely for you.” His eyes flick again and I hear the door shut again.

“Why you watching the door?”

“Nothing. Just a habit.” 

He crushes the paper from his sandwich between his fists. I can still read him well and there’s shame in his posture. I glance behind me again, the suspicion that I’m sitting square in a trap flashes through me and the lightning comes to my fingertips.

“Easy, Mare.”

“You’re making me nervous. Why are you watching the door?”

“I’m… checking for assassins,” he barely mumbles. When the door opens again, I watch him fight his insticts then finally give in with a glance over my shoulder.

“Assassins? You’re not the King, Cal.”

“Yeah, well, some people forget. And the last time, I almost didn’t make it.”

Silence. Stillness. Processing is slow when someone you love is uncomfortable and embarrassed and admitting their weaknesses when they want you to think they’re strong. It made Kilorn shake under our house in the Stilts, and Maven dare me from his bathtub, and Cameron open up to me as we circled the Piedmont base. I want him to tell me more, trust me with what he finds shameful. So I wait and let him come to his words.

“The girl, the one the papers got a photo of me–”

“Kissing?”

“Yeah. She got me alone, um… and then she stabbed me.” Something about how his hands drop into his lap is defensive not casual, an indication of where. I wince with him. “I almost bled to death.”

“Who found you?” The idea that he had a couple suitors never crossed my mind before. But who else would come to find him in his bedroom?

“I didn’t let her get away without injury and she didn’t make it very far before the alarm was raised. Thank my colors, I had my bracelets on.” 

“Yeah, I guess so.” I sip my coffee and avoid looking directly at him. He’s ghostly pale he’s blushing from his collarbones to the tips of his ears. Some levity seems to be needed, I reach out and touch his hand. He looks up, shocked I’d touch him. “Most importantly, did they take care of that… um… curve?”

“Shut up. It is not curved.” he retracts, losing his breath in laughs.

“Well, I mean maybe not now. I wouldn’t blame you for taking advantage of the situation. I mean, making some improvements.”

“Surprised you didn’t say bigger.”

“Oh, honey, it’s not about the size. It’s how you use it.”

“And how was I at using it?” his knee brushes mine under the table and his lip pulls up goofy and flirting.

“You got better,” I begrudgingly admit after some contemplation.

“I’d happily remind you by how much.”

“I might just…” I stop myself. His lips slam shut. He straightens and clears his throat. I can’t finish what I’m saying.

“Sorry.” He looks at his watch and then back at the door. It’s time for him to return to sessions, discussions, strategies. “Time is up.”

“This was nice,” I admit. My hand is still on his on the table.

Warm fingers slide over mine until he’s gently massaging my palm. “I liked it.”

“Enough to say the past is forgiven?” I ask.

“You never needed forgiveness from me.”

“Didn’t I?” I hold his eyes steady, not letting him look away. For the first time since we sat down, I’m being completely serious. I need to know what might follow us forward.

“What for?” He asks.

“Just one question, one honest question. If you could go back and do it all over again, if you could just flip me that coin and walk away? And I never fall into that arena, would you go back?” I can’t bring myself to use the words, but I need to know if he will live his life regretting meeting me because, in the end, and actually at the beginning, I took his brother.

Cal pulls back, leans against the chair. “Julian says it’s the curse on the survivors to spend our time trying to remake our regrets.” 

It’s a non-answer that might as well be a yes. I start to stand, tears prickling. Laughing with him, hearing him sigh, and joke reminds me of too many things I want to keep. But I don’t want to be a reminder of all that he lost. Why he lost everything.

“Mare, I have a lot of regrets. But you’re not one of them. Elara would have ruined him no matter the path. Maybe I could have had a few more years, or a few months, but she would have taken him in the end. Jon only knows, but I tend to think this might have been the best I could have hoped for, at least the way it happened, I didn’t go through it alone.”

“So, where does that leave us?”

He stands and pulls on his jacket. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out. “How about same time tomorrow?”

And the next day and the next. We have one week of sessions and meetings before he’s back on a plane to Norta. And it’s exactly the slow pace I need, that we need, to see exactly where we’ve grown and what we’ve left behind. Maybe at the end, we’ll find that we finally fit. Or maybe it answers the question differently, with less pain, fewer choices to rehash that never asking in the first place.

Reblogs appreciated.