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marshmallow-phd · 5 years ago

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Midnight Hours

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Sehun x Reader

Summary: For you, being a good witch was easier said than done. Something dark was lurking inside of you and the others knew it. When you’re forced to tag along with Soomi and help a local wolfpack face a coming evil, you’re sent on a path that breaks into a crossroads. While you struggle with your inner demons, could the wolf Sehun be the key to your ultimate fate?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I 15 I 16 I 17 I Final

The woman who stood in front of you was beautiful. Hauntingly so with her thick, baby blonde hair, translucent skin, and soft features. She was small. Not just in height, but everything about her. It’s almost as if there were a dozen signs around declaring her harmless and to come closer. But there was one thing that stopped you from doing so. One thing about this woman that whispered danger.

A pair of red eyes.

They put an edge to her sweet smile, taking the innocence away and replacing it with cunning intent. In a way, they reminded you of a cat, refracting the light in a way no regular human’s could.

“Who are you?” you finally found your voice to ask.

“My name is Molia.” She took a step towards you which you immediately retreated from. All it did was make her laugh. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Your heart was pounding in your ears. It was a miracle that you were able to hear anything she was saying at all. “It’s you, isn’t it? The one I’ve been seeing in my visions?”

“Yes,” she replied with a high pitched giggle as if the notion of it being anyone else was absurd. Once again, she moved closer to you and once again, you recreated the distance. Her smile faded. “(y/n), I’m not going to harm you.”

You shook your head. Being here, alone, it didn’t feel right. “I don’t know how you expect me to believe that.”

“Did you ever see me do anything harmful?”

Thinking back on the visions, you frowned. There weren’t enough to the scenes you’d witnessed to truly say either way. “No… but the feeling–”

“There is always fear in the unknown.” Before you could blink, Molia was behind you, her hands resting on your shoulders as she whispered in your ear. “I’m just like you, (y/n). The two of us need to join together.”

You spun around to face her. “What do you mean you’re just like me?”

Instead of answering, Molia took your hands and pressed your palms together. When she pried them apart, a small flame no bigger than a coin sparked to life. She scooped up the fire into her own cupped hands where it grew to twice its size. Then she snuffed it out, barely a puff of smoke to prove its existence.

“That’s impossible,” you whispered in disbelief. “How did you- how could you-” For some reason, you could not connect what you’d witnessed to the logical part of your brain. Not even Mother Willow could do such a thing.

“I was telling the truth.” Delicately, she lifted your face with a finger under your chin so the two of you were looking eye to eye. “What do you know the other witch like you?”

“The other one?” you said. You’d been told the story of the witch centuries ago who lost control. It was told to you like a warning every time your own usage went a little too wild for the elders’ comfort. By now, you knew almost every word by heart. But it was no fairytale. “She was a witch who used her power for selfish reasons. Eventually, they drove her insane and she nearly took out an entire village before she passed herself.”

Molia scoffed. “They would record it that way, wouldn’t they? Take the blame from themselves.”

“Are you saying that’s not what happened to her?” As much as you wanted to believe that mothers of old wouldn’t manipulate historic records, you couldn’t quite put that much faith in them. They believed themselves to be the epitome of goodness and they wouldn’t want anything to tarnish that good name.

“No,” Molia stated firmly. “That’s not what happened to me.”

You stumbled back.

No. That wasn’t possible. Magical or not, witches didn’t live that long. Not even wolves lived that long. “You can’t be….” But then you looked into her eyes again.

Her red, inhuman eyes.

“Are you–”

“A vampire?” she giggled, her previous charm coming back to the surface. “Yes. One took pity on me when the elders’ turned against me. We faked my death since they never would have let me live if they’d known the truth. For the past four hundred years, I’ve been in hiding, wondering if I could ever be truly free. Then I found out about you.” With a pale hand, she reached out to you, cupping your cheek in a palm so cold it might as well had been an ice pack fresh from the freezer. “I don’t want you to feel the loneliness that I have. I want you to feel like there is someone on your side. You deserve that.”

As pretty as her words were, you couldn’t say they were correct. Sehun’s face flashed in your mind. “But I do have someone.”

Molia scoffed as she dropped her hand. “That wolf? He didn’t even take the time to listen to you when it mattered the most.”

“But he was right,” you defended. “It wasn’t Mina.”

“No, not entirely.” A sly grin stretched across her pale pink lips. “Mina may have not been the one you saw in your visions, but she isn’t entirely innocent. Or she could be. Depending on your point of view.”

“I’m not really in the mood for riddles.”

Molia laughed softly. “I’m sorry. Old habit. I simply mean that when I saw poor Dana’s friend come into town, I thought she could be useful.”

“Useful?” Yeah, if you wanted to experience something shallow, maybe.

“Unfortunately, you haven’t met the real Mina,” Molia went on. “Each time you’ve seen her, she’s been under my control.”

You gaped at her. “Control? Why?”

“I needed to see you alone,” she said. “But with the way things were going with that wolf, I wasn’t going to be able to.”

“So you made us fight?” It was bizarre to hear that she went to such lengths. Almost laughable at the absurdity. Why didn’t she simply approach you the few times you were alone in the forest?

“I didn’t make you do anything. All I did was adjust Mina’s character a bit. Think about it. What did Mina do, hm? Flirt a little? Make you feel a little jealous?” The space between you and Molia disappeared again as she came in close, tapping your cheek with her index finger. “That’s all. The words said by the wolf were all his own doing. As were your own words. Mating isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it?”

“You’ve got that right,” you murmured. His words echoed in your ears, but you shook them away. “Look, I know you said that you wanted to make sure that I wasn’t lonely like you were, but else do you want from me? This giant scheme can’t be just about meeting me and sisterhood.”

“You’re right,” Molia agreed. “It’s about unlocking your true potential.” She leaned in and grasped your hands tightly. The pressure made you flinch. She was holding on so firmly, as if you’d float away if she didn’t keep you down on the ground. “You are so special, (y/n). Fire, water, earth, air? That’s just the beginning of what you can do. Those cute little tricks you show the child and mongrels? It’s barely the tip of your powers.”

Just a tip? There was already so much that you could, what else could there be? The mothers thought you were dangerous now, they’d always cautioned you on getting out of control. Mother Willow said time and time again that these powers could be all consuming, that they could take over and make you lose yourself.

“Don’t think about them,” Molia said as if she could hear your thoughts. “I know what they’ve told you because they told me the same thing. But it’s not true. These powers are a part of who you are. They aren’t meant to be suppressed. The more you let them out, the more you know them, the better off you are.”

Like a period emphasizing her words, a raindrop fell from the heavy clouds above you, landing on your shoulder. With a giant wave of her hand, Molia swirled the air around to create a dome over the clearing. You watched as the rain stopped several feet above your head and rolled to the side, keeping you dry.

“How did you do that?” you asked in amazement. The rain came down harder, lightning flashing in the air and the wind picking up to the point that the trees were bending to its will. But you felt none of the storm’s strength in your safe little bubble.

“Oh, this is nothing a little practice can’t create. You’d be amazed at what you’ll be able to do in time.” A flash of rebellion swept through her eyes. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The important thing to do now is start your training.”

“Training?” A feeling – giddiness or maybe excitement – swept through you. But you quickly pushed it down and away from you. “I don’t think- I mean, I should probably head back. Sehun will be worried.”

“Why do you even still worry about him!” Molia shouted. Her outburst made you jump. It was terrifying how quickly she’d gone from sweet and encouraging to enraged and fiery. But as swiftly as the anger had come, it dissipated just as fast. The harsh expression smoothed out to one of gentleness. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I just don’t want you to be hurt by him anymore.”

You weren’t sure of the right way to respond. You couldn’t say that he didn’t hurt you because he did. His hot and cold actions in the beginning hurt, what he had said only a few hours ago had hurt more. That didn’t take away from the times he was kind to you, however, or the way you felt when he held you. The softest pillow couldn’t give you the same reassurance or sense of security that your head against his chest could.

“Come,” Molia grabbed your hand, effectively taking you out of the sweet memories that nearly had you running back to the farmhouse. She led you further into the clearing until you came across very familiar stacks of wood. “Let me show you what you can do and then you can decide if you still want to leave. Alright?”

No. Not alright. You should go. No matter what she was offering, the right thing for you to do would be to go back. You’d discovered the answer. Molia was the culprit, not Mina. But her offer was too tempting, too enticing. Besides, you had a feeling as to what she was going to teach you… and you wanted to see it in person.

Molia led you over to the stacks of branches and fallen trees. You were curious as to whether or not she was the one who had moved them, but you never go the chance to ask as she took her stance behind you.

“I know fire is your strength,” she said. “Just as water is mine.” Her hand fell on your shoulder, exactly as you remembered. “Your power is fueled by your emotions. But you can’t rely on soft feelings. You have to dig deep. The stronger the emotion, the more control you’ll have. Focus on the wood and imagine creating the fire.”

You nodded, taking in her words. She was right. Your powers always surged when your emotions were driving. Would it be possible to let your emotions connect to the power inside of you while still keeping grasp of them?

Slowly, you lifted a hand, reaching out in front of you to channel the energy building up inside.

“Think of hate,” she whispered behind your ear. “Think of your pain.”

It was too easy to obey. The ache that simmered in your chest grew in strength as the memories of every wrong that had ever been committed against you replayed in your head. Your eyes swelled with tears as you remembered all the times that you were ostracized, judged, ridiculed beyond mercy. All of it continued to rise, feeding your powers. It collected in your hand. It pushed and shoved just wanting to be released.

“Good. Now let it go. You are so full of potential. Don’t hold back and see what you can do.”

Whoosh!

Flames burst forth from the dried wood. As if calling up to the rain that still poured down from above, they danced and waved. They gave off the extreme heat that you remembered from your dream. Sweat started excreting from your pores and rolling down your face. It made you feel like a roast in the oven on the highest temperature.

Behind you, Molia burst into laughter. You turned to see her jumping and clapping with delight. Not quite the madwoman that had haunted you that night.

“Now,” she said with eager eyes. “Kill it.”

Spinning on the balls of your feet, you faced the fire head on. It was easy to tap into that source once again and in one swift motion of your arm, you extinguished the flames as if they never existed.

Molia squealed with delight. Now it was you who wore the large grin. Each breath came in shallow and heavy but fast. Adrenaline rushed through your veins. Never had you felt like this when you’d practiced before. It was freeing. You wanted to stay in that euphoria.

“Show me more.”

Sehun stared out the kitchen window. He counted the drops that hit the glass, each one feeling like a bullet to the heart.

Somewhere out in this storm was you. Almost every worst possible scenario was playing his head, tormenting him as invisible demons laughed at him. You could be lost, passed out under a tree while being soaked by the rain. Or maybe you’d been caught by the threat, who had you chained up and was torturing you for its own pleasure. He could almost hear your screams echoing around him. Had you fallen down and been swept away by the river? Had you come across a dangerous animal that chased you down? With each thought, the scenes became more and more terrifying.

“Sehun, are you listening?”

Sehun snapped his head around. “What?”

Junmyeon sighed. “I know you’re worried. We all are, but I need you-”

“Do you really think your worry is as great as mine?” Sehun growled. Junmyeon didn’t answer. No one did. Sehun’s shoulders heaved up and down, slowing in rhythm as he was able to reign in his frustration. Staring down at the hardwood floor, he mumbled, “Sorry.”

“It’s understandable,” Soomi said with her typical amount of gentleness and compassion. Not even this could break her character. “And it's scary, thinking that she’s out there, alone in this. But she’s a survivor. She’ll be okay.”

Sehun shook his head. “I can’t just leave her out there while I’m here safe from the storm.”

All throughout the night, the wind and rain only began to grow stronger. The sun was certainly gone from the sky even if he couldn't see it. What a perfect metaphor for how he felt now. His light was gone, hidden from him behind what seemed impenetrable.

“There’s no way to find her,” Chanyeol argued. His mate took hold of his hand, squeezing it comfortingly. Did they really have to do that here? Right now?

“Would you leave Lanie out there by herself even if you couldn’t follow her scent?”

“Leave me out of this,” Lanie begged. She let go of Chanyeol’s hand and leaned forward, massaging her temples.

Harper huffed. She’d been pacing back and forth since Kris had explained to the pack about your disappearance. Sehun was thankful to have someone on his side, who was just as eager to find you as he was. “I agree with Sehun that we should go look for her, weather be damned.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Luhan barked in a tone that was unusual for the more mellow wolf. He was scowling, irritated. It was so unlike him, but Sehun couldn’t think about the reason behind it now.

“Is there any sort of shelter she might be able to find in the woods?” Lottie asked desperately.

“No,” Minseok answered. “In these trees, there’s nothing but this house and the city.”

Sehun straightened up as soon as those words left the older member’s mouth. An idea of where you might have gone struck him. He didn’t even think. He just ran. Out the back door and through the rain. The ground slopped beneath his feet, whimpering at the weight of his feet as the mud squished between his shoes.

His clothes suctioned to him, restricting his movements, but it didn’t slow him down. Not even the yells of his name or the shouts for him to stop. He pushed through the wind and didn’t flinch when the lightning cracked across the sky.

Finally, the construction site came into view.

“(y/n)! (y/n)!”

This was your place. The place the two of you came to be alone, to get away from the loud and rowdy house. Some of the roof had now been constructed and the house and garage were starting to look more like structures that could shelter someone from this weather.

“Sehun! What the hell are you thinking?”

Huddled under the tree line, several of the pack members – Junmyeon among them – look at him in confusion.

“I thought she might be here,” Sehun yelled over the sound of the rain pelting down on the wood around him. “It could keep her safe from all this.”

“And is she here?” Jongin asked hopefully. But Sehun shook his head, disappointed. The former visibly deflated.

“Then come back with us,” Junmyeon ordered. “This is crazy, Sehun. I know she’s your mate, but if you’re sick or hurt, you’re no use to her.”

Sehun kicked at the ground, frustrated. “I can’t just go back. It’s wrong. All wrong.”

“We’ll find her,” Junmyeon promised. “One way or another.”

But how could Sehun put faith in that? Junmyeon was smart, resourceful, strong, but he wasn’t all knowing, he wasn’t magically, some old wizard who solve all problems with a few wise words. He couldn’t just point to a map and say that’s where you were. Not even Soomi had been able to do that. Going back felt wrong. It felt like giving up. And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t give up on you. He had so much to apologize for, so much to say to you.

As if to give him one single act of mercy, the rain began to let up. The clouds started to break apart, letting the darkened sky behind them peek through, tiny stars dotting the black backdrop. In one such cloud, part of the moon shined through.

Two days.

He had two days until the blood moon.

I won’t give up, he declared to you silently. I’ll keep searching and I’ll bring you home. Just, please, be safe until then.

Then he fell to his knees, splashing the water around him. Junmyeon approached slowly and squeezed his shoulder. A small comfort, but one he would take this time around. Starting tomorrow, he was going to run the entire length of this forest, covering every inch until he caught some sort of sign of you. He wouldn’t stop until he found you. That he was sure of.

#exo #exo wolf au #exo wolf!au #sehun x reader #oh sehun #exo werewolf!au #exo werewolf au #exo supernatural au #exo series #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #Midnight Hours #untamed wolf universe

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jensengirl83 · 4 years ago

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What Is And What Should Never Be-Chapter 6

Dean x reader

Word count-3177

Warnings-Angst, childbirth, fluff

A/N-Last chapter of this series. I hope everyone has enjoyed it.

“Hi guys.” Chuck says as he looks at them in amusement. Dean wraps Y/n is his arms trying to cover her up and protect her as well.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean yells, the growl in his voice is terrifying.

“I have been here Dean. I decided to finally make myself known. I’m surprised you hadn’t figured it out already.” Chuck’s proud smirk just pisses Dean off even further. If he wasn’t trying to keep Y/n covered he would already have his hands around Chuck’s throat.

“Why Chuck? Why do what you have been doing? What do you care if me and Dean are together?” Y/n had found her voice after the initial shock.

“Oh Y/n. Don’t you get it? You guys are planning to take me down. Why would I let you be happy?” Chuck says as he shrugs his shoulders like he is discussing something simple. “By the way, put some clothes on. Chuck snaps his fingers and Dean and Y/n are completely dressed.

“I am going to kill you. I may not know how or when, but you are looking at the man who kills you.” Dean’s voice is eerily calm as he walks toward Chuck.

“Ah Ah. I wouldn’t try it Dean, unless you want your precious little gift to disappear.” Chuck says looking over at Y/n, his eyes moving to her stomach. Y/n instinctively covers her belly trying to protect their baby.

“Please Chuck! Don’t hurt our baby! I am begging you.” Y/n is pleading with him as tears make their way down her cheeks. Dean is at her side pulling her behind him.

“End it now and I will let you keep the baby. I will let you keep that little bit of happiness, but this..” Chuck is pointing between the two of them. “Is over. I would listen, my wrath and all that.” Chuck winks and disappears. Y/n breaks down into sobs. How could this be happening?

“Sweetheart look at me. We will figure this out.” Dean is holding her to his chest. His heart shattering at the thought of having to give her up, but what choice do they have?

“You heard him Dean! We will never be able to stay together. Not without him hurting our child!” She is wailing as the hurt of letting Dean go seeps into her soul. Dean grabs her face crushing his lips to hers in a bruising kiss. If he can never do this again, he wants their last kiss something to always remember.

6 months later

Y/n had moved back into her room that night. Her and Dean shedding tears as they settled back into the room she wished she didn’t have to be in again. The weeks going by and not being able to touch, kiss, cuddle or sleep next to the other is driving both crazy. Dean had gone to every doctor’s appointment, bought her cravings, done what he could that was not something to be considered what a couple would do. Not being able to celebrate all the milestones of pregnancy like a normal couple was heartbreaking.

Cas had been searching a way to stop since that day. Here it is six months later, Y/n a month from her due date, and he had found nothing. Y/n was starting to believe there was no way to fix this, that Chuck had won and her and Dean would never be together again. Y/n is sitting in the recliner in the Dean Cave, her feet propped up, her hands on her swollen belly. Her mind on their situation, not noticing the tears that have snuck out of her eyes.

“Y/n are you ok? Is the baby ok?” Dean rushes to her, dropping to his knees.

“The baby is fine Dean, but I don’t think I will ever be ok again.” Y/n says as she looks down at him. His face echoing the heartache they both feel.

“I know Y/n, I know.” Dean sighs as he lays his hand to rest on her belly. At least they could save their baby from Chuck’s wrath.

Dean stands and runs his hand over her hair before pulling away. He still cannot touch her but for a second, afraid he isn’t strong enough to control himself. This has been the worst six months of his life. Seeing the love of his life everyday but not able to show her affection, kiss her, feel her beneath him is maddening. Dean smiles as he leaves the room shutting the door behind him. He holds in the anger until he is in his room behind closed doors. The minute the door clicks in place, he loses it. The tears flowing, the rage eating him alive. He rears his fist back to punch the wall when a hand on his arm stops him. Dean jumps turning to see Amara standing there, a soft smile on her face.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” Dean is surprised and annoyed. He has had enough dealing with her brother, he doesn’t want to deal with her too.

“I am here to help Dean. Less you forget we have a connection. I can no longer stand to feel your sorrows.” She is looking him in the eye as she speaks. Dean sees that she is telling the truth, but what will she want in return?

“Ok. You said you want to help. What’s the price?” He is willing to pay almost anything to have Y/n back in his arms.

“There is not a price Dean. I want you to be happy and my brother has gotten out of control.” Amara has had enough of her brother’s ego. He has gone too far this time.

“I really wish you could help, but he has said that he will hurt our baby if we even try. There is nothing you can do.” Dean says as he hangs his head. If only there were a way out of this.

“He is weak. His power is draining after Sam shot him. I can make him see things my way.” Amara has her plan. She just needs Dean to trust her.

“He has been watching us. He is probably hearing every word we are saying!” Dean throws his hands up in frustration. She doesn’t understand that nothing can be done.

“I have blocked him from seeing or hearing anything in this room. He cannot hear us. I am sure of it. I have placed protection on your child. Go to her and I will deal with my brother when she shows up.” Amara places her hand on his cheek. Truly feeling sorry for him.

“Are you sure he can’t hurt the baby? I can’t risk it if you are not completely sure.” Dean wants nothing more than to run to Y/n and place his lips to hers, but he has to be sure their baby will be ok.

“I promise Dean. No harm will come to your child. Now go.” Amara says nodding her head towards the door. Dean is out the door and running down the hallway. He has been waiting for this moment for the last six months. He flings open the door causing Y/n to jump.

“What’s wrong Dean?!” Y/n is trying to stand but Dean is already to her dragging her up and crushing his lips to hers. The kiss is full of the frustration, love and misery of the months they were apart. Y/n puts her hands to his chest and shoves him away. Not wanting to end the kiss but the fear for her baby winning out.

“Dean! What have you done?!” Y/n yells at him in fear. Before Dean can answer Chuck is standing beside them.

“I thought I told you what would happen if you didn’t stay apart. It’s a shame you couldn’t follow directions. Chuck lifts his hand in the air, her voice stopping him.

“Brother! Stop this! You have had your fun, now leave them be.” Amara is standing at his side. Her voice stern.

“Amara, what are you doing here? This is none of your concern!” Chuck is angry but isn’t pushing it. He knows that she is stronger.

“You have made it my concern brother. These two are meant to be. Their souls are bonded. You should know this, you made it so.” Amara looks to Dean and Y/n. They are both standing frozen in shock. “Yes, you were meant to be one and have this child. It was written long ago.” She smiles softly before turning back to her brother.

“How could you betray me like this? Your own brother.” His voice is high pitched, his fear of her starting to break his façade.

“You have become so cold brother. I cannot stand idly by and let you break up one the most revered and important pairings to be so far. You will leave them be or I will take drastic action brother.” She says with authority. Her voice stern and her expression unwavering.

“Fine! You will pay for this one-day dear sister.” Chuck says as he waves his hand and disappears.

“Is it really over?” Y/n’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“It is over my dear. You can be with Dean and raise your child together as it was meant to be.” Amara smiles at them before she is gone.

“Y/n…” Dean whispers in relief. He can be with his girl again.

Her arms are wrapped around his waist with her head on his chest and she lets her tears stain his shirt. She feels as if she can finally take a breath. They can move on together and raise this baby together. Dean is clinging to her like his very life depends on it. These last six months without her has made him realize just how much he loves her. He decides at that moment that he needs to make her his forever.

“Marry me Y/n.” Dean says pulling away to look at her face, still beautiful even covered in tears.

“What? Dean are you serious?” She can’t believe what she just heard.

“Serious as a heart attack sweetheart. Marry me.” Dean holds his breath waiting to hear her reply. The fear of her rejection making him queasy.

“Ok Winchester. I’ll marry you.” She smiles at him watching the relief wash over him. She cannot help but giggle at him. Dean bends and places the softest of kisses to her lips, cheeks, forehead and nose. She has just made him the happiest man on Earth.

“We have to tell Sammy and Cas!” Dean is pulling her by her hand heading for the library. The two of them laughing the whole way. They round the corner to the library, Sam jumping at the sudden intrusion.

“What is going on?” Sam asks them.

“Where is Cas?” Dean asks not answering his brother just yet.

“You called Dean?” Cas appears right beside Sam making him jump again.

“You guys are going to give me a heart attack!” He exclaims holding his chest. “Again, what the hell is going on? You two aren’t supposed to be together!”

Y/n and Dean sit them down and explain everything that had happened. The smiles on Sam and Cas’s faces showing the relief and happiness for them.

“I can feel the bond now. It was masked before.” Cas says looking the Dean and Y/n. His head cocking to the side.

“What is it Cas?” Y/n is worried at how his expression changed. The fact that he is staring at her belly is scaring her.

“I can sense your fear Y/n. There is nothing wrong. I realize I can now see the gender of the baby.” Cas softens his expression and smiles at her.

“What is it?” Dean is asking practically bouncing with excitement.

“No!” Y/n yells before Cas can speak. “I want to be surprised.”

“Really sweetheart? Don’t you think we have had enough surprises?” Dean laughs at the truth in what he said.

“Yes, but this is a good surprise.” Y/n is looking at him with those damn puppy dog eyes. He can never say no to her or Sammy when they look at him like that.

“Fine.” Dean says rolling his eyes. Y/n laughs and kisses his cheek. She hates that they have missed out on these moments but at least they can enjoy the rest of her pregnancy together. She stands to stretch yawning in the process.

“Come on baby. Let me get you to bed. You need to rest.” He places one arm behind her back to steady her and the other holding her hand. He has missed being able to show her this kind of affection.

“I have had quite the bit of excitement today to say the least.” She laughs as she takes a step towards the hallway. The pain that shoots through her back into her lower belly stopping her dead.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asks with one eyebrow raised watching her pain scrunch up in pain.

“I’m fine. Just a twinge of pain. Nothing to worry about.” She smiles at him and continues her way to bed.

They have been asleep for a few hours. She is jolted awake by the pain again, more intense this time. The pain making her break out in a sheen of sweat. She rolls over hoping it will relieve the tight muscles in her back and stomach. Just as she starts to drift back to sleep, another pain shoots through her, this one taking her breath. A sudden feeling of wet and warmth between her legs letting her know exactly what was happening. Panic starts to settle in on her. The baby isn’t due for another month! She reached for Dean lightly shoving him awake.

“What is it sweetheart? It’s only three am.” Dean says opening one eye to look at the clock.

“My water just broke Dean.” She tells him so he will get up.

“It’s ok honey, we can get you another one.” Dean mumbles as he closes his eyes to get more sleep. Her words finally sink in and he is on his feet. “Oh God Y/n. I’m sorry! Let’s go! We have to get you to the hospital!”

Dean rushes to her side of the bed to help her to her feet. He makes sure she has her balance before he leaves her to get her a change of clothes. She is doubled over in pain before he makes it back to her.

“Dean! We aren’t going to make it to the hospital! The baby is coming now!” Y/n is hysterical. She is a month early and now she is going to have to deliver in the bunker. Dean lays her back on the bed as he starts yelling for Cas. He cannot do this alone and needs Cas here in case something goes wrong.

“I need to go get Sammy sweetheart. I will be right back!” Dean is running down the hallway to Sam’s room at record speed. He throws Sam’s door open making Sam sit straight up in bed.

“Y/n is in labor Sammy! I need your help!” Dean is sweating bullets. This is scarier than any hunt they have ever been on.

“Ok Dean, clam down man. We can do this. We just need to get her to the hospital.” Sam says walking over to his brother, who looks like he is going to pass out or puke. Maybe both.

“No Sam! The baby is coming now!” Dean is yelling as he is dragging Sam by the arm out of his room and into the hallway.

“Ok ok! We need to get some towels and hot water to clean them up.” Sam is terrified but is trying to stay calm for Dean.

The boys are running around the bunker like their asses were on fire. The two of them gathering everything that they think they could need. Supplies in their arms, they run for Dean’s room. They make it through the door to see Cas is already there, a sheet draped over Y/n’s bottom half. She is panting and covered in sweat, her hair matted to her head. Dean goes straight to her side. Sam making his way to the other.

“Dean the baby is almost here. You need to help her to sit up so she can push.” Cas says calmly.

“I can’t do this Dean. It hurts too much!” Y/n is crying out in pain breaking his heart. He wishes he could do this for her.

“Yes, you can baby! You are the strongest woman I know!” Dean is trying to say words to encourage her.

“You can do this Y/n! Come on! Push!” Sam is on her other side his hand behind her back above Dean’s.

Y/n takes a deep breath and starts to push. The pain the worst she has ever felt. She holds the push to the count of ten and collapses back against their arms. She can hear them telling her to push again, taking another breath, she pushes with everything she has. The sound of a little cry fills the room.

“Ok Y/n, one more push and your baby will be born.” Cas says looking up to her with a smile. Hearing her baby’s cry gives her the strength she needs for one last push. Her hands in Sam and Dean’s, she squeezes and pushes harder than she thought she could. Her body finally able to push her baby into the world.

“It’s a girl!” Cas says with a shout. Y/n falls back to the bed and lets the tears flow. She did it. She gave birth to their daughter. She looks up at Dean to see the tears falling down his cheeks. He leans to press his forehead to hers, placing a soft kiss to her lips.

“You did it sweetheart. We have a daughter! She is beautiful Y/n.” Dean is whispering his praises against your lips. You never knew how precious a moment like this could be.

“Would you two like to meet your daughter?” They look up to see Sam holding her. She looks so tiny in his arms. Dean pulls away do Sam can lay her in Y/n’s arms. Sam and Cas leave the room to let them enjoy their first moments as a family in private.

“Look at her Dean. She is perfect.” Y/n whispers as she leans down to kiss her daughter’s pink cheeks.

“Just like her mama.” Dean says his voice cracking with all the different emotions he is feeling.

They sit in silence just taking in the beautiful little girl in her mother’s arms. Both thinking of everything they have went through to get to this moment. Dean looks between his girls and silently sends a thank you to Amara. Who would have guessed she would be the one to help him have this? With Chuck taken care of, they can live their life together, raising their daughter. Y/n and Dean finally getting what they have always wanted, even if they didn’t know that it was destined to be.

Tags: @flamencodiva @sorenmarie87 @foxyjwls007 @waywardbeanie @emoryhemsworth @voltage-my2dlove @hardcoresupernatural @marvelouslysherlockedhunter @lyarr24 @deanmonandnegansbitch @akshi8278 @midsummereve1993 @sutton2001 @emory91

#dean x reader #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean fanfiction #dean winchester fanfiction #spn fanfiction #spn famdom #spn family #supernatural family #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #reader insert

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delimeful · 5 years ago

Text

how easy you are to need (4)

warnings: codependency, suicidal thoughts, self loathing, crying, fear, misunderstandings out the wazoo, virgil sweetie you are so fucking stupid and valid, mentions of violence

The humans began to get antsy as it grew closer and closer to the full moon.

Virgil couldn’t see the night sky from the living room, so he wasn’t sure exactly how round the moon was, but he was a werewolf and his body knew what his mind didn’t. He spent more time curled up in the heavier blankets, trying to ignore the bone-deep ache that radiated through him, increasing with every day that he didn’t shift.

Still, he stubbornly held onto his human form, not wanting to relinquish the easy camaraderie and relaxing days he had with his humans. Even if they were terrible at hiding their weird behavior from him. His hearing was enhanced even in human form, so there was no way he could miss the muttered arguments Logan and Roman would have in the kitchen, though they spoke in vague enough terms that he often felt completely lost regardless.

He knew he was the source of their anxieties, though, just from the way they looked at him when they thought he wasn’t paying attention, the snatches of whispered conversations with his name in them, the occasional hesitance Logan displayed while checking on his wounds. He was healing fast under their care, and wondered if maybe they worried he was going to fight back when the time came.

The thought was ridiculous. Hadn’t they already realized that Virgil was hopelessly attached?

Still, now that he was well enough to walk around without tearing any stitches, he spent a lot of time wandering after one of the three as they went about their daily tasks, a blanket draped over his shoulders to fight off the phantom chills he got from being without a proper pelt. They took to having a shadow well, for the most part. Patton would ask him for help planting the spring tulips and teach him how to carefully handle the sprouts, Logan would steadfastly shoot down any of Virgil’s attempts to help with household chores, and Roman…

Well, any time Virgil followed Roman outside, the dramatic human suddenly found something else indoors that urgently needed doing. He also spent a lot of time clutching at the empty scabbard at his hip, so it didn’t take long for Virgil to connect the dots.

“You can practice with that thing, y’know.” He eventually said, startling Roman from his longing windowgazing.

“Huh?” Roman managed, intelligently. Virgil snorted at him.

“Your sword? You haven’t touched it since my first few days here.” It had been unsettling at the beginning, to be honest. He’d never known a hunter to part with a weapon willingly, especially not around a monster.

Roman was taken aback for a moment. “Well, it just seemed to make you upset- didn’t it? It’s fine, my skills are as sharp as ever.” He flashed an arrogant smile.

He hadn’t wanted Virgil to feel threatened during these comfortable weeks, since his humans were ridiculous and kind in the strangest ways, and now he probably didn’t want to remind Virgil about how these weeks would inevitably end.

“Hey.” Virgil said, drawing Roman’s attention back. “It’s fine. I know I don’t have anything to fear from that blade.” Certainly not in this form.

Roman blinked at him, stunned, and then he smiled again- this one real and soft and resplendent- before jumping to his feet and going to grab his sword. Virgil sat down heavily on the couch, a small grin on his own face, and watched him run through stances and drills for the rest of the afternoon.

The next time he saw that sword, it was the evening before the full moon.

He’d been peripherally aware of the growing tension between his humans, but as the week progressed, he couldn’t drag his attention away from the pain eating at his bones long enough to care. He’d stopped venturing outside, instead staying huddled on the couch and sleeping through most of the day, the way he had back when he’d been too injured to stand. Patton spent some days with him, and others drawn away to argue with the other two.

It was frankly a miracle that Roman stepping into the room managed to catch his attention at all, with how terrible he felt. His gaze flickered between Roman’s tense expression and the sword at his side, and he realized that despite his best efforts, his time was probably up. “Roman?” He asked anyways, voice rough with sleep.

“Hey, Virge.” He said, and sat down on the edge of the couch in lieu of answering Virgil’s unspoken question. They sat in silence for a moment, and then a moment later, heavy footsteps heralded Patton’s arrival. He was holding the broom he used to sweep the porch menacingly, and his glare made Virgil shrink despite it being directed solely at Roman.

“I thought we agreed we would all talk to Virgil about this together!” He said in his ‘I’m-disappointed-in-you’ voice. Roman held his hands up in defense.

“I’m just sitting here! I wasn’t going to say anything until you guys got back! Promise!” He insisted, leaving Virgil to look between the two of them with mild confusion and the beginnings of worry.

“Talk to me about what?” Was something wrong?

They both grew quiet, sharing a loaded glance, and Logan took the opportunity to appear in the hallway, adjusting his glasses with a frown at them both. “We wish to speak to you about the approaching full moon, though I’m sure you’ve heard us bickering over the matter in the past few days.”

Virgil nodded, feeling his heart begin to pound. That was what they’d been arguing about?

“Sorry about that, Virgil.” Patton grimaced apologetically, coming closer to rest a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil shrugged, and Roman shifted on his other side.

“So! Since we can’t exactly put this off for much longer, what would you prefer, Virgil? Staying inside, here, or outside?” He asked, moving to stand and pace. Virgil looked up at him, processing the offer.

Well, shucks. He was kind of flattered they were dedicated enough to the concept of his comfort to let him get his deathblood all over their house. Unless they had a secret basement to use or something. Either way, he wasn’t going to take them up on the offer. He wanted to see the forest that had been his home for so long before he died.

“Uh, outside.” He finally responded, and then winced when Patton’s face fell.

“Are you sure, Virge? It’ll be cold, and dark, and…”

“Patton.” Logan cut in, not unkindly. “We decided we’d listen to what Virgil wanted, right?”

His softest human sniffled. “Right.”

Virgil felt another wave of pain roll through him, and stiffly began untangling himself from the couch to stand. “I think… we should probably do this now.”

“Now?” Roman squeaked at an embarrassingly high pitch. Patton seemed to agree, and even Logan looked reluctant. It was kind of heartwarming. It seemed like maybe they’d gotten a little attached, too.

Still… “Yeah, now.” Virgil sighed, regretfully. “I don’t think I can hold this for much longer.”

They couldn’t argue with that, and he lead the way out of the house, stepping down off the porch onto the solid dirt. Regretfully, he shrugged off the blanket around his shoulders and handed it over to a tearful Patton. Roman stepped forwards, fingers tapping out a nervous pattern on the hilt of his sword.

“Okay, so- what… what do we need to do? Are you… should we be prepared for your wolf form to attack, or-?”

“Nah.” Virgil shook his head. If he could have found it in himself to attack them to save his own skin, he would have bit Logan all those weeks ago.

Besides, even if he did successfully run away, the idea of returning to his lonely haunting of the forest, dodging his humans’ attempts to catch him, being alone again- it wasn’t likely he’d survive long there, either.

He glanced away from the forest, turning to see Roman’s brow furrowed. It was strange, wanting to comfort a hunter instead of being afraid of them. He was strange, bonding to humans. It was no wonder he was going to die.

“Don’t worry.” He gave Roman his best attempt a wry smile, exhaling nervously. “I get it. I won’t- make things difficult for you. On my honor.” He added, remembering the phrase Roman so often used in his tales.

“What?” Roman asked, but Virgil had already released his white-knuckled grip on his human form, and fell to all fours as his bones began to crack and shift painfully. He couldn’t help but let out a whine; he’d really held this shift back for way too long.

After a moment, the shift was finished, and the sense of utter wrongness under his skin finally abated. He let himself stay in a heap of wolf for a moment, panting from exertion.

“V… Virgil?”

He huffed once, and then got to his feet, shaking to settle his fur.

“Woah!” Roman jumped back, alarm lining his shoulders, hand back to his sword hilt.

Understandable. He was a lot bigger in this form, more so than even a normal wolf. He ducked his head slightly, trying to look a bit shorter. The three humans looked at him with varying levels of wariness, Logan and Patton forced back by Roman’s outstretched arms.

“Uh, hey?” Roman said, stepping a little closer. “Dark and Stormy, you in there?”

Virgil rolled his eyes, giving him a sarcastic look despite himself. Did he really think Virgil had so little self control as to lose himself to his wolf form? He wasn’t some newly-turned.

Roman grinned, shoulders dropping a little, and in the next moment Patton was flinging himself at Virgil.

“Patton!” Two voices shouted as his arms wrapped around Virgil’s fluffy neck fur. He reared back a little in surprise, and then tapped his nose as gently as possible to his human’s forehead in reprimand. What in the world was Patton thinking, tackling a monster?

“Sorry!” Patton said, drawing back sheepishly. “I just got over-excited…”

“Well, I suppose that answers the question of whether or not he’s docile.” Logan said dryly, relief in his voice. Roman had gone as far as to draw his sword, looking shaken. At least someone in this group had survival instincts.

Virgil snorted, and then laid down, his heart racing in his throat as though in protest. He’d promised Roman that he’d make things easy. He could at least do that for his strange, confusing humans. He dipped his head at Roman in a mockery of a nod, and then settled between his paws, trusting that it would be quick.

“... Virgil? What are you doing, there, buddy?”

Or not. He sighed through his nose. Did they really think he hadn’t figured it out by now? He wasn’t an idiot.

The irritation he felt was almost enough of a distraction to prevent him from trembling as he rolled to the side, letting his underside show and his head roll back to expose his neck. Almost. Everything in him screamed against such a vulnerable move, but he was tired of fighting.

There was a sharp intake of breath above him, and his ears flicked at the sound of Roman’s voice. “Logan, I… I need you to tell me that he’s not doing what I think he’s doing.”

“It looks like he’s asking for belly rubs?” Patton chimed in, making Virgil do a full body twitch of embarrassment. Were they making fun of him?

“His body language is much too negative for that to be the reason.” Logan said, proving himself once again the quick-witted one. “He… appears to be waiting for you to…”

“For me to kill him.” Roman spat as though the words were bitter in his mouth. “He thinks we want to kill him.”

There was a heartbeat-long pause, and then all three of them were talking over each other in upset voices, upending every one of Virgil’s expectations. He recoiled back into an upright position despite himself, staring at them with a complete lack of comprehension. What did Roman mean, ‘thinks’? Virgil knew what they wanted from him!

But… what was the point of pretending, at this point? What could their goal possibly be?

He needed a mouth that could speak human tongue.

Too panicked to care about the pain, he forced himself back into a human form, ignoring the extra appendages that lingered due to his half-hearted shift. “What are you trying to pull?”

They quieted at his frantic question, and Logan was the one to regain himself first. “Virgil, we… we don’t want to kill you-”

“What?” Virgil cut him off, bewildered. “Yes, you do.”

“No, we don’t?” Logan rebutted weakly, looking confused at Virgil’s certainty. “Why would we want to-?”

“I know you know how magecraft works.” Virgil said, narrowing his eyes. “The magical properties of a werewolf pelt are coveted by anyone who knows anything about magic. The potential uses are-”

“The potential uses of your skin?” Logan retorted, as though the very idea was ridiculous. Virgil knew otherwise.

“Yes? Is it so hard to believe I figured that you’d at least get some use out of my corpse? It’d be better-” He bit his tongue on the rest of the sentence.

“Is it so hard to believe that maybe we didn’t want to kill you at all?” Logan asked, voice icy. “That we aren’t monsters who would kill someone who had saved us?”

“You’re not monsters!” Virgil said, voice sharp. “I don’t think you… you want to kill me. Not anymore. But I’m an actual monster, and trust me, I know how humans operate. It’s not safe for you to leave me alive, so you won’t.”

Logan stared at him, seemingly stunned into silence, and Virgil nodded, glad to have made him understand.

Unfortunately, that meant that there was nothing to stop Roman from approaching, sword in hand. Virgil forgot himself and flinched back automatically, ear flattening and eyes closing, and heard a ‘snkt’ noise. Blade sinking into flesh- but why he didn’t feel any pain?

He opened his eyes to see the sword driven into the hard dirt almost up to its hilt, and Roman grabbed his hands, ignoring the sharp, inhuman claws to look at him earnestly.

“Listen to me, Virgil. Really listen, okay? We don’t want to kill you. We aren’t like hunters, you- you aren’t dangerous to us just because you’re not human!” He leaned in to bump heads with him, and Virgil was astonished to see that he was near tears. “You’re our friend, you stupid asshole!”

Virgil blinked at him. “I- what?”

In the next second, he was slammed into a hug at full force by Patton, who was shaking with silent sobs, occasionally getting a word or two of garbled nonsense out. He hesitantly wrapped his arms around the human, noting the smell of baked goods on him a little hysterically.

“Virgil.” Logan crouched next to him, completing the huddle of humans around him. Virgil looked up at him helplessly, Patton still attached to him like a very upset limpet. “It’s late, and you clearly need time to process what we’ve said, and… and vice versa. Please, let’s rest for now.”

Seeing as he could barely put two thoughts together at the moment, it was a good idea. He nodded, though the thought of forcing his human form for another night was enough to make him wince.

Logan sagged slightly in relief, and then pulled Roman to his feet and carefully detangled an unwilling Patton from him, soothing him with a few whispered words. When Virgil started to get up, however, Logan motioned him back down. “Shift on the ground, Virge. It will keep you from placing undue stress on your bones as a quadruped.”

“Shift?” Virgil echoed dumbly.

“Yes, shift.” Logan responded, raising an eyebrow. “I won’t have you spending the night in a form that pains you to maintain, though I hope you’ll explain the mechanics of that to me later. For now, the living room is big enough to hold all of us even with you at your largest.”

“Blanket fort.” Roman said solemnly, and Patton brightened slightly, still wiping at his face.

An hour later, settled into a nest of pillows and blankets and surrounded by his humans- each one resting a hand on his fur as though afraid he’d somehow vanish- Virgil was drifting off into the first peaceful sleep he’d had in months. Things weren’t fixed- wouldn’t be for a while- but at the moment, he was surrounded by his pack, and warmer than he’d ever felt before.

#sanders sides #werewolf au #werewolf #ts virgil #ts logan #ts roman #ts patton #writing #my writing #heyatn #how easy you are to need #were back baby

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peachfyzzy · 5 years ago

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proscuitto x reader x risotto: old friends part 2

yuh yuh!

CW: Poly relationships and alot of debauchery!

For a moment, you were a tangle of limbs and vitriolic words. Pros must have thought you were a stand user because the way he yanked you from Risotto's arms was nothing short of menacing. His steely blue eyes crossed over you. Crossed over the dress that was scrunched up in places. Crossed over your soft, doe eyes. And finally, things began to make sense. Without him willing them to, tears began to prick the corners of his eyes. Just as quickly, they were blinked away. He pulled you into a vice grip like hug, resting his chin in the crook of your neck. His voice was fragile but sure. "Fuck...fuck...why are you here?" His words stung a bit, you had to admit.

"I was looking for you."

"God damn it. Didn't I tell you not to?" His words were firm and angry, but his warmth told an entirely different story.

"I'm...I'm sorry it's just...I couldn't take it anymore. I missed you so badly and...Risotto he…" Another wave of realization hit him.

"He brought you here, then?" You nodded, pressing your head to his chest. Would he be angry at you for 'moving on'?. Albeit, moving on with someone you thought was his best friend.

"I'm sorry...I just...You both make me-" Pros grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him.

"I know just as well. I'm not mad, Tesoro."

÷×÷×÷×÷×÷×

You were yanked out of your comfortable sleeping state by the loud, ear the grating sound of your phone ringing. Annoyed, you slapped your land on the screen and brought it to your ear. Much to your delight, Risotto’s baritone voice was on the other side. You huffed from relief. “How did you sleep?” You had grown accustomed to Risotto calling you every morning. It was apart of the rules you set up for each other, and you were happy to oblige him. When you were thrown back into their lives that night, you made it a point to stay. Nothing was going to stop you from reclaiming your spot at their arms, and this persistence was met with even more stubbornness from Pros. ‘It’s too dangerous. I left you for a reason the first time. Now you’ve found me again.’ His face was strangled in thought as he spoke, and you knew he was heavily debating something in his head. Your future? His future? You didn’t know, but he was struggling. ‘What do you suggest me and Risotto do? We can’t keep you. We...We just can’t!’ If Risotto hadn’t made himself known in this instance, you were sure Prosciutto would have forced you out once again. Luckily, he didn’t. That night, you three spent hours talking and understanding. Prosciutto reaffirmed his feelings for you and for Risotto, which wasn’t much of a surprise to you. After they were forced to leave you, they found comfort and love in each other. You found it to be beautiful in its own way. You thought yourself to be extremely lucky. Both of these men loved you. You loved them. And they loved each other.

And so, you all came to an agreement.

They weren’t so sure about having you live with them just yet (they were mafia members, after all), so they relied on periodic calls. Every few hours they would call or drop in just to check on you. And if they had extra time...Offer you a little more. Your life felt a little more strained than before- having to cover your bases with two men now. You had experience with both of them, but that didn’t take away from the anxieties of your times with both of them. The amount of trust you 3 had for each other prevented any lack of communication, but you still found yourself blushing and shy as you stood in front of their burning gazes. It was clear that deep, earnest love was behind their almost predatory like eyes. Before you could shyly pinch at the carefully chosen lingerie they picked out, Risotto spoke.

“Come to us, amore.” With a gulp, you took a few steps towards the eager men. Their intertwined fingers came undone as they both scooted closer to the end of the bed to gaze upon your slightly withdrawn form.

“Turn for me.” You took a deep breath and began turning. You could feel Pros admiring the delicate pattern gracing the small of your back and you took a moment to pray it was all real and not just a bitter dream. You were sure of this once you were pulled by either man and splayed between them. Their voices held the same air of dominance you’d expect but were also strangely gentle. As if they were unwrapping fine china, they talked you through every complicated lace of the pricey nightwear and you were thankful.

“Are you okay with this?” Risotto’s pitch-black eyes pulled you into security. With a nod, you were gently placed on the expensive, soft sheets. The tangle you three had gotten yourselves into was something to see. It was growing obvious through your flushed face and bated breath that you were ready for them. You knew they wouldn’t do anything until you asked for it explicitly (this time, anyway). Pushing the little bit of underlying anxiety down, you spoke.

“Please…” Not too surprisingly, this was all they needed. You felt a gentle finger trace your happy trail until it stopped around the valley between your breasts. Suddenly, your vision was dark. A voice you recognized as Prosciutto's told you to tap 3 times if you wanted to stop, and you nodded as he fastened the blindfold. After a minute of shuffling, hands you knew were Risotto’s enveloped your body. His hands traced around the sensitive flesh marking the peak of your breasts and with a hitch, they were being rolled between his. You gasped as Pros made his way to the foot of the bed and laid his strong hands against your inner thighs. In your pleasure, you gently weaved your hands into Pros’ hair, letting him lap at your sopping core with abandon.

“It’s been so long, Stellina.” You whined at the pet name and only fell further into a lustful daze when his plush lips came into contact with your clit. Your hands wove themselves deeper into the fine sheets as his tongue worked around the sensitive bundle of nerves and before you knew it, your toes were curling and the air filled with the sound of you begging for release. Before you could reach is, Pros pulled himself from you and left your hips jutting into nothing. You couldn’t see him, but the lust film covering his eyes would’ve made you feel like the sexiest thing to exist. After some shuffling (and the sound of Prosciutto and Risotto sharing a few sloppy kisses), Risotto quickly took his place. You yelped at the change of pace. Prosciutto was always teasingly rough. He loved bringing you to tears and through the clouds of euphoria only to yank you back down to Earth with a few jolts of pain. Risotto was either relentless and completely unyielding by taking what he wanted from you and then moving on or the softest dom you had ever experienced. The whirlwind from teasing to ruthless almost gave you whiplash. By now, the hot tears from the pure pleasure of it all were dotting the sides of your blindfold, and the sight of you so undone only fueled Ris’ resolve. With a moan border lining on a scream, you were pushed off the edge and thrown into your climax. Without you willing them, your thighs cushioned the sides of the Capo’s head, and in the midst of your thrashing, the blindfold you had so delicately placed came untied. Once you finally came down from your high and your senses returned, your first peak of the room made your core heat up once again. The two men you loved the most, standing above you, their hands wrapped around their already hard cocks. A new wave of determination crossed over you as you leaned forward to return the favor. You thanked God that in your time with Prosciutto, you trained your gag reflex enough to take almost any size down your throat. With no trouble at all, you found a solid rhythm between the two men- sliding Pros’ sizable length down your throat and trying to fully wrap your hand around the Capo’s giant one. It was a challenge, but it was always one you welcomed. “Fuck...Wait a second.” His voice was dripping with desire and you could see the subtle twitch of his hips as you pulled away. Risotto enjoyed the extra attention. You never liked Pros’ filthy habit of smoking, but the flick of his lighter resounded nonetheless. The blonde man took a long drag from his cigarette as he watched you work yourself red on his lover’s cock, something he couldn’t help but admire. With the hand Ris had knit into your hair, he pulled you away and you whined at the lack of skin to skin contact.

“Don’t whine too loudly. We have something better for you anyway.” With that, you were brought to your hands and knees. Opening the same drawer he got his cigarettes from, Pros retrieved a bottle of lube and you gulped at the implications. He coated a digit or two with the cool substance and you nodded, letting him tease the tight muscle. Meanwhile, Risotto was already lining himself up with your entrance. He knew his size would be a feat on its own. “Just tap.” The feeling of his head entering you made your knees buckle instantly. Inch by inch the Capo slid into you, and you saw stars beginning to form in the corner of your eyes. After fully sheathing himself within you, the familiar feeling of Prosciutto's head lined with your asshole. You yelped a bit, but pushed yourself back on his length, earning a growl from the man. Finally, you had them both inside you fully. You felt impossibly full and ready to burst into moans at the slightest movement. All at once, grunting and slapping filled the room. Risotto slid you up and down his cock with ease, and Prosciutto followed suit. You were always full of one of them and you wondered if this was too good to be true. Their grips on your soft flesh began to leave crescent-shaped dents, and the intensity of their thrusts let you know their releases were painfully close.

“We’ve been waiting so long to fill your pretty holes, cara.” The filthy sentence made your knees turn to jelly and your body drop. If they weren’t there to support you, you might have fallen off the bed amidst the pleasure of it all. They followed soon after, filling you with their releases completely and utterly. You were the picture of someone completely fucked out. Panting, ass up with your eyes still fluttering. You looked up at them through your lashes, adoration so obvious in your eyes.

“Thank you.”

#prosciutto #risotto nero #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra x reader #jjba #vento aureo #golden wind

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ddaenggtan · 5 years ago

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forever rain | knj - teaser

Being dead isn't anything exciting. Just a lot of walking the same halls of the same apartment day after day after day. Things change when the new tennant arrives, though. Kim Namjoon isn't anything you could have expected; not the way he's so careful and gentle with his plants because he breaks so many other things, not the way his friends joke that he's psychic because you refuse to let him get in the face one time, and certainly not the way he comes home after literal months spent moving things away from table edges for him and announces that he knows he's being haunted and he has some questions for you. You didn't know ghosts could fall in love, but he makes you feel alive again, like you're standing in the rain while thunder crashes around you. You should've known nothing good would come of falling in love with someone living, though. You should've known that heartbreak was the only way this could end...that the rain doesn't last forever.

part of the Love Yourself Collab, please please please go check out the other fics. Everyone involved is so freaking talented and I have been vibrating out of my skin with how excited I’ve been to read all of these.

pairing | kim namjoon x reader (unspecified gender, even!)

genre/warnings | ghost!reader, slight fluff, there are a lot more for the actual fic so definitely read those when it comes out, i’m not kidding i definitely want you to come and yell at me in my ask when you finish it, but pls don’t send things about what happens bc ur mad about it bc u didn’t read the warnings, y’all are a smart bunch but i know firsthand how skipping warnings can punch u in the gut so just,,,,,,,read the warnings on the full fic lmao

a/n | this is just a teaser for the full fic which is gonna post,,,,,,,,,,,,at some point lmao who knows i haven’t actually decided yet!!! yay me!!!! hahahaha stress!! it’ll definitely go up on my ao3 as well, so if you have alerts on for me there, you’ll get notified that way! for now, have this! and don’t kill me when the rest comes out!!

The creak of the front door pulls you from your thoughts, and the echo of a voice makes you narrow your eyes. Your first instinct is to slam some windows to scare off whoever's in your apartment, but you repress the urge. You'd die of boredom if you could die again, and whoever this is could provide a few hours' entertainment at the least.

You pop your head through the bathroom wall to see what's going on, and wow, who let an actual giant into your apartment? Fucking with the pipes could definitely wait for this guy.

"I know it's last minute, yeah," He says into the phone that's held carefully between his cheek and shoulder. His arms are loaded down with boxes and he's angled away from you just enough that you can't see his face, but he's tall and broad and wearing what looks like the world's comfiest sweater, and you want to badly to wrap yourself up in him. "But you know Joon needs the help. Don't pretend you aren't constantly willing to put off your thesis, I know for a fact that you went out to look at stationery with Tae last week, and everyone knows that's the most boring thing on the planet."

He's quiet, listening to the soft crackle of a voice from the other end. You slide through the wall completely, hovering as close as you dare to try and hear what the other person is saying. Tall, Broad, and Comfy scoffs.

"He can stare at one sheet of paper for at least ten minutes, Yoongi. Do I need to remind you of the time he spent an entire fucking hour debating which set of holiday scrapbook to buy because, and I quote, 'this one has the really nice rose pattern on it that would look great with the invitations, but, oh, look at the pinstripes in this one!'" His voice morphs into what you guess is an approximation of whoever Tae is, and you laugh at the high-pitched, nasally tone.

Tall and Broad spins, eyes narrowing as he looks around the room, and fuck, he's literally gorgeous. You've never seen someone more attractive in your life or your death and it would probably knock the wind out of you if you actually had breath. Comfy McGorgeous turns back around and sets the stack of boxes in the corner, continuing his tirade about Tae and stationery while simultaneously trying to talk Yoongi into coming, you assume, to help Joon move. You don't know who any of these people are, but they're already proving to be the most entertaining bunch that's ever graced these walls.

The door to your apartment flies open, making both you and Boyfriend Material whip your head around.

"Christ, Jin, you couldn't hold the fucking door open for us?" Someone grunts. Beauty Von Softness - or, Jin, as you should probably refer to him - winces and strides over to do just that as two more guys stagger in with a couch suspended between them. The second they're in the door they drop it to the ground and flop onto it, panting and sweaty.

"Listen, I was busy trying to get our resident hermit out of his cave to help us carry some of this shit," Jin spits back. "And you all know what it's like getting him out and about."

"Did you tell him that there's pizza after we're done? Because I've found that food is the best motivator for him," the guy closest to the door says. His hair is soft-looking and long and you wish you could pet it.

The other guy, the one who cursed Jin out and has the softest pink hair you've ever seen, laughs. "Jeongguk, you always think the best motivator is food."

"Well, yeah, because it is."

"For you, maybe. Other people require actual rewards."

"But food is a reward," Jeongguk mutters into the fabric of the couch. Jin tsks and smacks As Yet Unnamed on the back of the head.

"You're lucky I hung up on him when you bombarded your way into this place, or he'd definitely not come help us," Jin says as he leans against the back of the couch.

Unnamed starts to say something else but is cut off by someone running straight into the end of the couch. They all shoot to their feet, spouting apologies as the three of them maneuver the couch into the apartment properly.

"Sorry, sorry, Jimin distracted us from properly finishing our job," Jeongguk says quickly. He looks to the stranger with a small apologetic smile, and you're pretty sure if it were humanly possible, there would be actual literal stars in his eyes.

"Oh, it's okay, Jeonggukkie. I should've been looking where I was going." New Challenger walks straight towards where you stand, and you realize seconds before it's too late that he is not aware there is a massive stack of boxes in his path. Instinctively, you shove them to the side with your foot. Tall And Oblivious sets his boxes down without any trouble, none the wiser about any of it, and the three near the couch are too busy bickering in hushed whispers to have noticed you doing anything.

The newcomer straightens and turns to look at them all with a bright smile, and you think you might actually see The Light in the way his cheeks dimple. If you thought the other three were beautiful - which they are, no doubt about that, you're seriously wondering why the hell a bunch of supermodels are moving stuff into your apartment - then this guy is easily an Actual Fucking God or something. His brown hair is soft and shiny, his smile is warmer than the sun, and you're fairly positive that for the first time since you died, you feel goosebumps along your arms.

"Seriously, Namjoon, we should've realized you'd be up soon. You stay, start unpacking while we go get the rest of the furniture." Jimin shoves Jeongguk out the door while he's speaking, ignoring the taller's complaints, and Jin just shakes his head at the sight.

"Yoongi'll be here soon, he's finishing up another draft of his thesis. Hobi and Tae are stopping to get the pizzas and then they'll be here, too." Jin's voice is calmer than it was Jimin and Jeongguk, more soothing, and it makes you curious. Not only because of the tone change, but because you know Hobi, he owns the building and is the one who rented you the apartment when you first moved in. One of your favorite things to do is scare him when he comes by to make sure everything’s ready for a viewing.

"What? No, I said I was gonna pay for pizzas!" Namjoon looks distinctly more upset about this than someone should over not having to pay for pizza, at least in your mind, and it only makes you more curious.

"Yeah, but you also just moved out of your old apartment because it was too expensive, and had like an hour to load everything into a truck, so you're gonna let their trust fund asses pay for pizzas. We're seven adult men, and Guk could eat an entire horse and still be hungry. I'm not letting you pay for that."

Silence hangs in the apartment for a while before Namjoon gives a soft thanks to Jin. They share a smile before Jin makes his way back out. You follow each step, shadowing him all the way to the door before you're stopped. You lean your entire body forward, struggling against the invisible barrier keeping you inside, and the force of it nearly slams you back into the wall when you sag in defeat.

You aren't sure why you try anymore, but you know yourself well enough to admit that you're not going to stop until you can at least make it to the hallway.

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mercifuldeaths · 6 years ago

Text

Vertigo: Ch 6: Pyro

Vertigo: Chapter 6

Pyro

This fic is in progress.

Jim Mason x Reader

Warnings for this chapter: Smut, drug use and side effects of such use.

Summary: Things were good until they weren’t. Jim starts falling back into old habits. He doesn’t mind.

Notes: This is really where things pick up, as I’m sure you’ll see. The last bit of this chapter is actually my favorite part in the whole story. I hope you enjoy pain. Because this is just the start.

Word Count: 7.2 K

“You’re looking pretty cute over there, you know that?” Y/N nodded at her boyfriend sprawled out over her bed. Her father was out of town and it had been just the two of them for the past few days. They had just gotten done with a pretty long surf set and it was late afternoon, post-surf pizza delivery on the way.

She ran her fingers through her wet hair, snagging on a few tangles that made her wince. Jim was still looking up at her ceiling, face contemplative. He had changed out of his wetsuit and into a pair of sweats, ready for an evening of ironically terrible movies, pizza, and probably a good fuck. It should have been enough for him, and he hated feeling greedy, but it never was.

“Something interesting up there?” She went to lay next to him, the towel she dried off with lay abandoned on the floor.

“Mmmm. Not more interesting than this.” He reached behind her and grabbed a handful of her bare ass. He laughed, carefree, and kissed the top of her head. He didn’t deserve her, was the pervasive thought. Always an undercurrent in this mind.

“Come on, I have to get dressed. Food will be here soon.” She attempted to wiggle her way out from him. He gripped her tight, not letting her escape.

“You don’t have to do anything. Including getting dressed,” he challenged with a rougish smile and flipped her underneath himself.

“Jiiiim,” she couldn’t help but smile herself. “Not now, baby. Later, for sure,” she laughed and pecked him on the lips, but he leaned in and started deepening the kiss.

“Not now?” He pressed his hardness into her, still covered by his sweats. “I’m sorry I can’t help myself sometimes. I have this girlfriend who is absolutely the most stunning creature. And she walks around in a bikini all day. So you can imagine what that does to me.” His mouth moved downward and starting sucking on her neck, collarbone, leaving small bruises in their wake. She let out a small hum and tangled her fingers in his hair directing him further down to her breasts. He took a nipple in his mouth and toyed with it between his teeth. He suddenly stopped. “Oh, but you’re busy, so,” he said sarcastically and went to get off the bed.

She wrapped her legs around his waist and held him in place, pulling him closer to her. “You’re a tease. You know that?” she mumbled kissing the side of his head while he went back to work kissing her neck.

“Me? A tease? Nah,” he said and ground his hips into her. He felt her buck up, seeking any friction.

“Jimmy,” she whined and he had to restrain himself from absolutely wrecking her right there. She could play him like a violin and knew exactly what made him tick. He went back to sucking on her sensitive breasts, avoiding the nipple. A tease, indeed.

He continued down, kissing the flat plane of her tummy, her hip bones, and when he got to her inner thighs he gave a particularly hard bite. She let out a small whimper.

He knew he had her.

“Baby, let’s go out tonight.” He nuzzled into the soft skin relishing the feeling on his lips.

She picked her head up off the pillow to eye him. “Is this bribery?” She nodded at his current position between her thighs while he started to give her folds the smallest kitten licks. She threaded her fingers through his hair and pulled him closer to her center. He pulled back and gave her the softest expression she had ever seen. God, he knew how to get her to do anything.

“Is it working? The bribery?” He leaned back down, starting to apply some pressure to his licks, teasing her entrance, but not enough for satisfaction. He licked a stripe up her and she shuddered.

“I wanted you all to myself tonight,” she whimpered and looked at his boyish face from between her thighs. She loved seeing him there, but much preferred it when he was at work down there rather than giving her little puppy dog looks. But then again, he knew that.

“You can have me. All of me...at Aaron’s. He’s having a thing. Small group of us. It’ll be really chill,” he mumbled against her cunt and she knew he was going to win. Between the looks and his persuasion techniques, he could have the world. He moved back to her kissing her thighs and she immediately missed his warm mouth pressed into her, tasting her.

She let out a sigh, desperate for any sort of real pressure. “Okay, whatever, we’ll go. Please just touch me.” Her hips attempted to grind into his lips but he pulled back again. She let out another dejected cry.

“...And you’ll wear that skirt? You know the one.” He couldn’t hold back his grin, head now resting on her thigh, looking up at her.

“Yes, Yes. I know the one.”

“Then we have a deal.” He said and quickly went to make good on his promise. He pressed his mouth to her wet folds, gliding his tongue through. He let out a small moan, loving her taste. Her back started to arch off the bed and he brought a hand up to tease her breasts, pinching and grazing over them.

He continued to lap at her wetness. “Babe. God, Jim,” she gasped out when he trapped her clit between his teeth, applying the smallest pressure. Her hands started pulling his soft brown hair from the root, pressing him further into her. He loved it, being completely surrounded by her, only able to breathe her in.

Changing course, he teased her entrance with his tongue, nose buried in her clit. She couldn’t help but feel warmth pool in her stomach, seeing him like that- her wetness spread over his mouth and chin. He continued like she was his last meal, his groans sending vibrations up her spine. She swept over the hair that fell in front of his eyes, she wanted to see him, always.

His tongue went back to her clit, then licking up and down. Her breaths were coming faster, eyes closing and her head falling against the pillow submitting herself to him completely.

“Babe,” she warned but he already knew she was close, knowing her body almost as well as his own. He hummed and slid a finger into her, slowly pumping it in and out. Another was added shortly thereafter. Her cries were high pitched and music to his ears.

She really started moving her hips in time with him, grinding down onto his lips and fingers. He pulled back and she whined from the loss of contact. “Are you gonna come on my tongue for me, babygirl?”

A loud cry escaped her lips and she nodded. “Yeah, yes.” He went back to sucking on her swollen clit mumbling, “That’s my good girl,” against her warm cunt.

It was the combination of his voice joined with the vibrations they created that took her over the edge, crying his name and throwing her head back. “Jim, Jim,” she chanted like a prayer as he continued to lap at her, riding out her orgasm with her, wanting everything she had to give him. He moaned throughout, catching every drop of her.

She gently started to pull him away, oversensitive to his touch. He smiled and licked her wetness off of his swollen lips. God, he really could never get enough of her. She lay gasping, eyes still closed, trying to slow her breathing. He laid next to her, brushing stray pieces of hair off her forehead, pressing small kisses to her temple. She let out a small giggle, something she often did when a little blissed out. He didn’t know why but it always made his heart melt, seeing the small smile cresting across her lips. She was completely relaxed, carefree.

She opened her eyes to look up at him, still smiling. “Let me…” she said as she went to cup his length in her hand. The doorbell interrupted and she let out a small sigh of disbelief. Jim just smiled, happy to see her happy. Running to the closet, she put on a bathrobe. “I owe you, I swear. Tonight…” She winked as she left the bedroom.

“Oh tonight I’m getting more than just that. So are you- that was the appetizer, honey,” he called after her and he palmed his cock through his pants.

“Good. I’m starving.” Her laughter echoed upstairs and he really wished his mind wasn’t on the dime bag of coke that would be waiting for him later.

He could feel it, the pull. It was like a magnet or gravity or whatever else controlled the universe. It was one of those forces that he could feel but not see. Nobody could see it. A force of nature, uncontrollable.

It wasn’t his fault that things were starting up again. Or probably not starting up, more like continuing, but his current coping mechanisms of ‘run away with Y/N and try to forget about things’ wasn’t flawless.

Parties had been a regular occurrence in his life, as well as Y/N’s. She was no angel, he came to learn. She had her own demons to fight and he was more than prepared to fight them with her-but when he couldn’t even face his own, what place did he have to tell her to do the same.

It was coming up, the day. He refused to call it what he supposed it really was, but Medina wouldn’t let him forget about it despite however many little pills he swallowed. He had started seeing Chad more frequently again who was more than happy to start selling to him regularly. “There he is! Our Jimmy’s back, boys!” They had clapped him on the back and shoved another beer in his hand when he had asked to start his regular pickups again. His eyes rolled but he gladly took the tablet, winking at Alex and the others.

Were things getting bad again? Yeah. Did he know that? Yes. Did he care? Not at all. After all, that could all be forgotten with a line, a pill, a pull-he didn’t give a single fuck.

And that was the plan for the evening. To forget everything. Everything except Y/N because honestly, that’s all he could handle. He’d managed to convince her to go to the party and he felt dirty for having to do it. He almost made himself sick watching her get ready-curling her hair and painting her lips in a soft pink, for what was more or less a glorified drug deal.

What was worse was that he knew that she would get high with him and it continued to break his heart a little more every time she leaned down for a line or would lick a pill from his hand like she had all those months ago. She was smarter than that. He knew it. Jim knew he was holding her down but he was also a selfish man. If he wasn’t he’d have given up the drugs and Y/N a while ago. If he was being honest, he probably should have never talked to her. She was too good, too smart.

He took a sip from the water bottle he was holding-trying to loosen the knots in his stomach- while sitting on Y/N’s bed, waiting for her to get her things together.

“Keep drinking that,” she eyed him. “You don’t want a hangover.”

He looked at her curiously.

“Hydration prevents hangovers. Come on, that’s rookie shit, Jim.” She smirked and walked over to him. She placed a delicate kiss on his full lips and he felt some of the lipstick transfer. They laughed as he rubbed it off and headed over to what Jim knew was going to be a good night.

It wasn’t a small gathering and both of them knew that it wouldn’t be. Jim and Y/N were funny, other people would say. They were both perfectly content to be away from one another, Y/N not hanging off his arm like a showpiece, both of them feeling a little freer.

Jim vowed to himself to start off slow. He didn’t want to hit a wall halfway through the night, not when he could extend it for as long as possible-until the sun rose and reminded him of everything that was waiting for him in the light.

He had taken two of the small pink pills Alex had offered, not exactly sure what they were, but really ready for anything. Y/N had escaped him a while back, probably to go find some of the girls she was slowly becoming the ringleader of. He knew that was certainly not intentional, the girls just tended to flock to her despite her constant indifference to them.

A few shots in mixed with those pills had him feeling a pretty good buzz, he realized as he leaned against the outside of the house where guests were now spilling onto the front lawn. He could start to feel the vibrations moving through the air onto him. The colors around him looked a little brighter and his conversations flowed more naturally. He had a nagging suspicion that it was acid or some shit he was rolling on but he couldn’t be bothered to find out.

Y/N’s voice rang in the back of his head about staying hydrated and he decided to head the warning. He found himself in the kitchen, but didn’t exactly remember how he got there. He dumped the warm beer in his cup and filled it with water, grumbling to himself about he wished it was that vodka monstrosity someone had convinced him to have earlier. Tasted like shit, but certainly got him fucked up in record time.

Thinking of Y/N had set him on a mission. Those girls can’t be with her all night. He started to meander through the house starting on the ground level. He found himself caught in a few mundane conversations before he would suddenly remember his goal and start up on looking for her again.

He felt himself smile when he heard her laugh coming from upstairs. Immediately he headed up there to see her for himself. The thought of her in those jeans, the skirt was unfortunately in the laundry, was already making his head spin and he knew how much she liked to fuck while they were tripping together. He had imagined that she already took something, never one to hesitate.

When he saw her he had to suppress a groan as she was surrounded by some of her groupies as well as the bay boys. With the drugs running through his system, he found that he could care less. Walking up to her, pushing one of the guys out of the way, he cornered her against the wall of the hallway.

“Mmmmmm,” he hummed and started nibbling at her neck, already marking her as his. “Y/N, let’s go.”

She mumbled, “Jim, I was talking to people,” but still threaded her fingers into his soft hair, pulling him closer.

“Don’t care. Just need you.” He gripped her ass and brought her center to grind against his hardening cock.

“Baby,” she mumbled. “I can tell you’re on some shit right now, but I’m not there yet.” He pulled back, disappointment decorating his eyes. “Maybe an hour?”

“But I want you now, God. Look at you.” He started slipping his hand down the front of her jeans, unable to contain himself.

“Jim,” she warned, her voice sobering him a little. Her eyes darkened just enough for him to get a rush, however, and he knew she was up to no good. “If you’re a good boy and wait, maybe there will be an extra surprise for you,” she whispered so faintly he could barely hear her over the thumping music and cacophony of voices.

With that, she took his wrist and guided his hand a bit further so his fingers became slicked in her wetness, grinding onto him a few times to be thorough. She then pulled him out of her and guided his hand to her mouth, gently sucking herself off of him. Jim swore he could have cum just from that image, alone.

When Y/N was satisfied, she dropped his wrist, cupped his length through his jeans and mumbled, “Be good for me, and I’ll be good for you.” Y/N turned on her heel and bounded towards the end of the hall. She heard Jim groan, wholly unsatisfied. “One hour!” He heard her call over her shoulder and smile with a girlish giggle.

It must have been about an hour later that Jim realized that he should start looking for Y/N. Strange, he didn’t think she’d last the full hour.

“Jim!” He heard in a voice he didn’t expect to hear ever again. Heather was calling over to him from the top of the stairs.

“Uh, hi,” he hesitated, whatever he took not helping the awkward air that had suddenly fallen over him. He didn’t think anything could have fixed the Heather situation.

“You need to get Y/N. She’s….” Heather trailed off and Jim couldn’t help the perplexed expression that crossed his face, looking up at her.

“What?” Maybe he didn’t hear right. Y/N and Heather certainly weren’t friends. Probably quite the opposite, in fact. Why were they hanging out together?

“Jim, I’m not doing this for you. I could literally couldn’t care less about you. But Y/N really isn’t good right now so could you maybe come figure this out?” she snapped.

Something clicked and Jim started bounding up the stairs to find Y/N. No no no no no. It was impossible. She wouldn’t.

He swore he heard Heather going off about how he was the reason for this-how he was going to get Y/N killed. That he was going to get himself killed, not that she cared of course. But he couldn’t pay that any attention as he could literally feel his high fading, adrenaline taking its place.

“Baby,” he was already saying despite not being anywhere close to the group of people standing around the open bathroom door, where he imagined she was. “Move, move.” He shoved the couple people that hovered, demeanor already telling them to leave. “Baby, Y/N, Y/N,” he called out to her.

She was propped up on the sink by one of the Aaron, one of the bay boys Jim was closer with, and he was trying to get her to drink some water. Her skin was pale and she was visibly shaking while suppressing the urge to retch again.

“Jim,” Aaron said a little firm, hoping to snap Jim out of whatever stupor took hold. Jim’s eyes snapped to his friend and he could feel himself actively trying to stay as sober as he could. “She’s been asking for you.” Aaron gestured to Y/N, still in his arms.

Jim stepped over and took her, holding her close to his chest on instinct. “What happened?” He couldn’t hide the panic in his voice. She was mostly asleep, or passed out more likely. Her head lolled over and he brushed the hair out of her fluttering eyelids. “What happened?” Jim said, more forcefully, demanding the answer when Aaron hesitated.

“Alex...he uh. He gave her some new shit.” The pink pills. Fuck. He knew they felt suspiciously familiar but Alex had claimed it was some new designer drug from Europe or whatever.

Y/N had mentioned to Jim that she had bad experiences with certain pills and she was usually careful to only take what she knew would have the desired effect. Alex wouldn’t tell him what it was so he doubted that she knew. She wouldn’t have taken it if she knew. Did he force her? Did she want to take it? Was this something else? One of those date rape things? His mind whirled, unable to keep up.

“Go get Heather,” he managed to choke out. Everyone looked at him like he had lost it, well aware of the bad blood between the two. “She’s a nursing student-go get her!” His raised voice caused Y/N to stir.

“Please, can you just go get Jim, I want to see-”

“Baby, it’s me. I’m here.” She didn’t relax like he hoped she would have. He started to maneuver them onto the ground so she was cradled in his lap, his chest pressed against her back. “Did anyone go get-”

“God, yah I’m here. Calm down.” Heather walked over to the pair and closed the door behind her, keeping prying eyes out. Jim was grateful for that small mercy.

He could feel Y/N starting to get warm under his touch, her breaths coming faster.

“I told you she looks like shit,” Heather said too nonchalantly for his comfort.

“I think she’s allergic or something. I don’t know-she said she doesn’t do molly because she always has a bad trip but- I just- I don’t...” Jim stumbled over his words, trying to get things to happen faster. He could feel his own heart starting to race. Y/N was still unconscious, but starting to make slight twitching movements.

“She took too much. I don’t know what to tell you.” Heather stood above them, looking down, her sneer visible over her rhinoplasty nose.

“Heather, come on. This isn’t about us,” Jim begged through gritted teeth. He was trying to hold his tears back. This was the first time in a long time that he could say that he genuinely was scared. Because this was something that actually mattered.

He saw Heather’s dark eyes soften a fraction after looking at Y/N’s small movements and shivering breaths. His ex crouched next to Y/N and started taking her pulse, her eyes looking anywhere but at Jim.

“She’s warm. And her heart rate is too fast. So’s respiration. Jim, she’s overdosing.” Even Heather was starting to feel bad for the guy. After things ended, no matter how terribly, she was able to see him from a distance. She saw the changes in him.

Jim nearly passed out himself. “Overdosing?” His tone higher than he would have liked. “What am I supposed to do,” his voice cracked and Heather’s heart almost broke from seeing him like that.

“She’s going to be okay. I asked around and they’re pretty sure it’s glorified E. Even if this is a reaction or a bad trip or OD, E is probably the best way for it to happen. Just make sure she keeps breathing and have her drink some cold water when she wakes up.” She turned to leave the cramped bathroom but Jim’s small voice stopped her.

“Please. Stay.” She turned to look at him. “I’m scared,” he admitted and she could tell he was choking on his own tears, she had seen it enough when they dated.

“Jim,” she started but he interrupted by asking again. She sighed and resigned herself to sitting in the furthest corner from the couple. They heard the party start to die down outside as they sat in uncomfortable silence.

Jim couldn't take his eyes off Y/N. He watched her chest rise and fall, counting every time. ‘Make sure she keeps breathing’ he repeated in his head to make sure he stayed on task-terrified of what would happen if he didn’t. She’s going to be okay, she’s going to be okay, she’s going to be okay--

“You have to stop eventually, you know?”

He was pulled out of his trance like state of rocking himself and Y/N, mumbling, and running his fingers through her hair. Heather looked at him for the first time. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”

“What?” Jim looked back at her thinking that maybe he had missed part of the conversation. It had happened often enough when he was high.

“If you keep this up. I see what’s happening.”

Jim was still confused. “What’s...happening?” he managed.

“Jim,” she scoffed. “Everyone knows what’s going on. We all know what you’re doing and it’s worse than last time.”

“You don’t know shit,” he bit out, perhaps too hard.

Heather moved to stand up and Jim almost apologized. “She’s going to be fine. Just cold water when she’s awake. If in doubt, call an ambulance, please don't be stupid, okay?”

Jim only found himself to smally nod, looking back at Y/N’s peaceful, now flushed, face.

“Hey,” Heather said softer than he thinks she’s ever said to him before. He looked up to her dark eyes. “Just quit that shit, okay?” And with that she left the small room and gently clicked the door back shut.

A few moments later, Y/N started blinking her wide eyes. She immediately tried to grab Jim’s arm that was holding her to him, sensing it as a threat but when she heard the familiar voice and felt gentle touches, she knew it was Jim.

“Y/N?” his voice cracked.

“Hi,” she breathed out, trying to remain calm, knowing exactly what was happening.

“Are you okay?” he asked at a complete loss of words.

“No. But I will be.” She closed her eyes and felt unexpected tears fall. Seeming to take her cue and their privacy, he started softly cry, pressing his face into her hair.

“I could have lost you,” he sobbed out but she was still distant-feeling far and detached, poison still in her blood.

“You didn’t.” She knew she was saying these things but they felt like they completely bypassed her brain-going on reflex. Unable to feel. Numb.

“I didn’t.” He tightened his arms around her.

She mumbled something that he didn’t quite hear. “Hmm?”

“I’ve gotta stop this shit.” She looked at him, his pupils still blown, eyes red and puffy, face drawn. “We’ve gotta stop this shit.” She closed her eyes but the sight of him was still behind her eyelids. There was no room to judge because she knew she probably looked worse.

She felt him press his hand to her cheek and she turned to place a kiss in his palm. He didn’t know how to respond or if he even should considering how her eyes were glazing over again. “We’ve gotta stop this shit. He knew she was right. Of course, she was. She always was.

He should stop. And Heather had noticed-well she’s always been a nosey bitch, anyway- but even she was worried. Probably the person that hated him the most was worried about him. And he knew he still wouldn’t stop. He knew that this should scare him, and it did-for her. But had be been in her place, he couldn’t care less. In fact, something about that was almost a comforting thought.

Y/N’s eyes were shut but her lips moved softly. “It’s too much for me. All this.”

Jim still didn’t know if he should answer. But he did, anyway. “It’s not enough for me. It never is.”

Medina squeezed herself into the pastel pink dress chosen for her by the not-so-blushing bride. It wasn’t tight like the embrace of a warm wetsuit, but instead the snug fit of a noose around her neck.

Jim wasn’t home but she still hung his tux on the outside of his closet as a gentle reminder that today was the day.

Things had been good until they weren’t.

Medina saw the way his clothes started to fit looser, the way he would shake when trying to text. His jaw was clenched so hard half the time she thought his teeth would snap. Sometimes she would hear him try to stifle cries and screams while the shower ran.

Things were good. But they were horrible, too.

Y/N fell into his orbit and made him secure, safe. She wasn’t there though, not that day. The day was Phil’s wedding. Phil and Rebecca. Rebecca was some redhead nurse that had starting working at his practice a year ago. The upcoming date was having a snowball effect on both Jim and Sandy, who was currently locked in her bedroom, holed up with the blinds shut.

Medina still didn’t know if she wanted to go despite her already dressing and carefully applying makeup. She was still his daughter. A deep part of her still wanted to make him proud even if she was too embarrassed to admit it.

She and Jim had countless conversations about their father’s wedding, each worse than the previous.

“We have to go, Jim. We’re his only children,” Medina said kicking a rock off the cliff edge they were balanced on.

“I’m not going.” Final. She knew she shouldn’t press, but since when did Medina listen to limits.

“Just do it. It’s one day and then you never have to see him again,” she tried to reason.

His face was contemplative but his teeth still ground together-jaw tight. “Medina. I don’t think me being there would make it a better day. I don’t give a fuck about him and his new whore,” Jim’s words were scathing and she was happy their dad wasn’t there to hear them. She tried to convince herself that he didn’t mean them. “I’m on mom’s side, remember?”

“There are no sides in this,” she whispered, the crashing waves almost silencing her.

“Yeah. There’s always sides. And mom and I obviously know whose you’ve chosen,” he sneered as he went to stand up on wobbling legs. “Move.” He tapped her back with his foot, she still sat with her legs slung over the cliff.

She didn’t. She sat with her jaw almost as tight as Jim’s. “Medina, move or I’ll push you off this fucking cliff.”

She took one look at him and knew he was serious. Deciding moving was in her best interest, she did.

The conversations continued. Each time Medina’s comments more snappy and Jim’s pupils blown impossibly wider. He was always loud when he was like that so Medina was pretty sure their mother, and neighbors, knew exactly what was going on.

Jim was her best friend. The only person she could really talk to. The only one that understood her, and she was the only one who could understand him. But he wasn’t himself. She couldn’t think like him anymore.

“Mom,” she whispered outside Sandy’s locked door of her bedroom. When there was no response she knocked lightly.

“The fuck you want, Medina?” she screamed out, voice sounding raw.

“I’m going to head out, okay? I’ll be home late,” she still whispered.

“Where’s Jim?” The door swung open to reveal Sandy clinging onto dirty tissues, makeup running down her face, always clad in her bathrobe. She eyed her daughter with contempt.

Sandy pushed past her and continued to the living room, on the hunt for her son. “Jim!, Jim!” she started shrieking.

“He’s not here. I don’t know where he went,” Medina said gently. She was really trying her best with her mom as she could see how hard this day must be. Medina wasn’t a robot, she did have a little empathy for her. Granted that was overshadowed by an immense hatred.

“I know where he’s not. I know he isn’t abandoning me,” Sandy sneered. This was followed by a laugh that shook Medina to her bones. Sandy continued to look at her daughter as if she were under a microscope. “You look ridiculous. Flat a board, Medina.” And with that, she stomped back into her bedroom.

Medina sighed and tried calling Jim one more time before driving to the ceremony in her little yellow beetle. He didn’t answer. She was too exhausted to worry about him anymore.

The ceremony was beautiful, she admitted. It was full of soft colors and flowers, obviously was chosen by the new Mrs. Mason. The thought that she now shared her last name with another person made her shudder so she took another sip of her champagne.

Phil had given her a hug the moment she walked through the door to the wedding venue. When he asked if Jim was able to make it she pretended she didn’t hear him and swore that she saw him actually shed a tear. Letting herself be whisked from family member to friends of the new couple, her mind started to wander.

The Masons didn’t have much family, just some aunts from the east coast. Cooing about how much she had grown up and how much she resembled her grandmother had gotten old fast. Their next topic was worse.

Having to explain to everyone that Jim wasn’t there was horrid. She started making the stories more ridiculous as she went. “He tried to surf down the stairs.” “He’s donating his left kidney to an orphan.” “He was in a shark attack.” They all gave her strange looks. She didn’t care.

Rebecca was upset that the photographs were off center. It was supposed to be four bridesmaids and four groomsmen framing the couple in their photographs and at the ceremony. With Jim missing, she was the odd one out. The extra bridesmaid, Medina was forced to walk down the aisle alone, smiling, pretending her brother was by her side. She opted out of the photos and kicked her heels off the first chance she had.

Immediately following the ceremony was the reception which carried over the same theme of pastels and flowers. With a little champagne in her, all the colors started to blend in a sick imitation kaleidoscope. The night had passed in similar fashion to the ceremony. “Oh, yeah he’s actually really sick.” “He’s in the hospital.” “He died.” She couldn’t help but feel like now the excuses were getting closer to the truth.

Not a single person was satisfied with having just Medina there because that’s what it was, right? Just Medina. If Jim were in her place she would bet her life that they wouldn’t ask about her. Not even once. She rolled her eyes and speared another piece of her steak.

After dinner, she hid in the bathroom to avoid any more ‘Jim’ questions. She was running out of excuses for him. After taking a few shots she was starting to feel better, though.

I get it, Jim. She thought pretending he could hear her on the other end-something she had done since they were kids. Twin telepathy, or whatever. The room was fuzzy and warm where she perched on the edge of the sinks, watching videos on how to perfect your roundhouse cutback.

The liquor running through her veins did make her curious as to what those little white pills felt like. Fucking coward. That’s what he was. Unable to cope. Weak.

The thought of her twin brother suddenly made her furious. He was already everyone’s favorite, always got the attention, friends, love. He was perfect and nobody would ever let her forget it. And he still ran from it. Ran from every opportunity to be happy.

The only reason they still think he’s perfect was because of her. What if she stopped covering for him? Or was honest to their friends and family? “Why isn’t Jim here? Oh well, you see he’s probably tripping balls, high as a kite on some cliff, trying to run from all of his problems instead of manning up and handling them.”

And why the fuck was Y/N still with him? She had everything going for her-looks, personality, money, smarts. Why Jim? She was her friend first. Of course, she went to Jim. Everyone always does. Sometimes she wanted to take her friend’s pretty face and shove it in the waves. “Is his dick really that good? Or are you just desperate?” Medina smiled.

There was a sudden commotion outside and she figured it was time to cut the cake or whatever happens at weddings. She rolled her eyes and tapped on another video, not caring that she was probably using all their data plan. It was when she heard a familiar voice yelling did she decide she had to see this with her own eyes.

She couldn't’ hold back the biting laugh when she saw her lanky brother being dragged out of the building. Her legs started to follow despite her head wanting to do anything but.

“‘Dina! See! I know her!” he hollered and pointed to her over the shoulder of one of their uncles. Medina was pretty sure they didn’t recognize him. “Medina!”

He was in jeans and a tee shirt and looked like he had just been dipped in a pool he was sweating so much. Completely manic.

Medina stood, shell-shocked that this was even happening, her blood running cold. Without thinking she bunched up her pink gown in one hand, happy she lost the shoes hours ago, and stormed over to her twin. In her other hand she grabbed his forearm. Hard.

“Ow, stop that.” He pawed at her weakly as she dragged them outside near the valet parking.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” she screamed, vicious. He just laughed in response, his head thrown back exposing his prominent veins in his neck.

“You’re the one that begged me to come.” He opened his arms and gestured to himself. “Well. Here I am,” and he kept laughing.

“You’ve lost it, you know that?” She moved closer to him and pushed his shoulders back, making him stumble a little. “You’ve gone completely batshit and you won’t even remember it tomorrow.” She pushed him again.

“No, no, no. I’m not the one that’s lost it, Medina. That’s you!” He pointed a long finger at her. “Going to dad’s wedding? His wedding.” He rolled his eyes so hard that he almost made himself fall backward. “Bullshit. It’s all fucking bullshit. All of this.”

“Jim. Go home. Don’t make this more embarrassing,” she demanded.

“For who? For dad? For you? Are you embarrassed by me?” He still was too loud. The valet parking workers had started to look on from the periphery. “‘Cause I’m embarrassed by you a lot but I don’t tell you that, now do I?”

She didn’t know what to say and held her breath. Maybe if she held it long enough she’d wake up and this would all be a nightmare.

She’d wake up in her childhood bed back home in Michigan and Jim would be next to her, crawling in because sometimes he was afraid of the dark. They’d be six again. A Sunday. Dad would be making pancakes. Mom would be slicing fruit. The news would be on but Jim would change it to Looney Tunes.

“You’re embarrassed,” he scoffed. “You embarrass yourself going around staring at people, being weird. I’ve had to talk you up to so many people trying to get you friends but you always scare them off. Sometimes I wish you were normal, God.” He looked at her, disgusted.

“Normal? Because this is so normal,” she gestured to him, his strung-out appearance, his too loud voice. Somehow he was still beautiful to her. “It’s not normal to stay cooped up watching your mother as a twenty-two year old man. It’s not normal to be so obsessed with her!” She was screaming now, too. Let them listen.

“Me? Obsessed with her? Oh, you’ve got it so backwards you don’t even know. It’s sad that you still have to convince ‘Daddy’ that you’re the favorite,” he mocked her. She had called their Dad ‘Daddy’ until Jim said it wasn’t cool to do that anymore. She listened to him. She always did.

“Jim, I’m fucking sick of this.”

His face took a turn. Going from pure rage into something marked of sadness. She saw tears start to well in his ocean blue eyes. “Why can’t it be different?” He couldn’t keep up with the conversation. It felt like his mind was being pulled in so many directions it was going to snap. Maybe it would and this would finally be over. Everything would be over.

“What?” she bit out, obviously still furious despite her confusion on his topic change.

“Do you remember when we went to Lake Michigan?” The questions made perfect sense in his head so he repeated it when she clearly didn’t understand. “We hid in those dunes, remember? We had to share the bed in the hotel and you twisted your ankle running on the beach?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Of course, she remembered. He knew she did.

“I only need you. That’s it. It’s you and me, whether you like it or not.” He smiled his thousand-watt smile but she could still see the hostility in his eyes, hiding behind blown pupils. “I made you laugh so hard-we laughed so hard.” His tears spilled over and fell onto his too prominent cheekbones.

“It’s never going to be like that again, Jim. It’s over. Move on.” She knew she was still yelling even though he had stopped awhile ago. They still stood facing each other, a few feet apart.

“I want it back. It’s me and you,” he repeated and he could start to feel the blackness creep into his vision. He kept nodding even though he willed himself to stop.

Medina continued as if he didn’t speak. “That’s your problem.” She had a revelation. “You don’t move on. That’s why you’re so much like mom.”

He stepped forward, fast and angry, and she shrunk back, genuinely scared of him like this. She honestly wasn’t sure if he would hurt her.

Something told her that he would.

Despite her better judgment, she continued. “You know? You’re becoming crazy like her, too. Relying on everyone except yourself.”

His eyes softened and he took a step back. He started biting at his cuticles until one bled. His head started to shake slowly, his eyes no longer seeing anything that made sense.

“Everyone is tired of your bullshit, Jim. Nobody cares anymore. We’re exhausted. This is exhausting.” She knew what she would say next would break him but to be honest, she stopped caring. “Ask Y/N.”

Jim’s eyes widened and he cocked his head. He ran his hand through sweaty hair and he kept blinking his red puffy eyes. It made Medina furious that she still loved him. Even like this.

She dropped her voice to just above a whisper. There was no reason for anyone else to hear it except him. “She’s done with you. Ask her. Everyone’s done with your bullshit. Even Y/N,” she sneered, knowing that she hit him where it would hurt long and hard.

He slid to his knees, unable to keep his vision upright. She didn’t go to catch him.

“I’m not your handler. I don’t want to take care of you anymore. I’m done.” Medina turned on her bare heel and started back into the party.

Time was different for Jim, but he knew he managed to get out, “I need you, Medina,” before he collapsed completely, his face scraping against the concrete. He tasted blood in his mouth, the copper tang grounding him to reality. The only thing keeping him there.

“I don’t need you, Jim. Not anymore,” was the last thing he heard before succumbing completely to the cocktail of pills and powders he had taken.

In his life, he had never felt more alone.

Jim in pain squad: @ccodyfern @langdonsrapture @langdonsdemon @coloursunlimited @thecinderellaposts @michael-langdon-appreciation @langdonalien @tarkofetis @stupidocupido @katiekitty261 @ovarydosed @lovelykhaleesiii @starwlkers @aveiangdon @heelsamizayn @americanhorrorstudies @sojournmichael @oneday-i-will-fight-luke17 @tickled-pinkmoodpoisoning @codysfallenangels

Special thanks to @thecinderellaposts @michael-langdon-appreciation @starwlkers @ccodyfern @babypinkstyles94 for letting me tease you all with more Jim content and then take forever to write it. ily <3

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ceealaina · 6 years ago

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Won’t You Ever Know That I’m In Love With You?

Square: TSB A4-First Kiss, IronHusbands O4-Hurt/Comfort Rating: M Warnings: Brief mentions of sexy times Pairing: Tony/Rhodey, Tony/OFC (background) Link: AO3 Summary: “The thing was, he could sleep around as much as he wanted, and it was never going to make the fact that he was completely and totally in love with Rhodey go away.” Something short and sweet for my First Kiss and H/C squares.

Tony groaned as he thrust into Mina, trying to keep his brain focused on the here and now, the feeling of her body against his, the arch of her spine beneath him. It wasn’t really working. Usually sex was a foolproof method for slowing down the thoughts in his head, for turning off and quieting the noise in his brain, but lately it hadn’t been cutting it.

Later, after Mina had come with a ‘yes, yes, yes, yes, yes’ that made him roll his eyes behind her, he lay in her bed, smoking a cigarette and staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about his impending graduation (about Rhodey leaving for basic training).

“Tony!”

He almost jumped at Mina’s sharp hiss of his name and winced when he realized she’d been trying to get his attention for a few minutes. “Sorry,” he said, giving her an apologetic smile and batting his eyes in a way that usually never failed to make the girls melt.

Mina remained unimpressed.

“Look,” she told him. “I don’t know who you’re looking for, but it obviously isn’t me. I don’t think this is working out.”

Tony blinked at her. “You just called me to come over three hours ago. You decided to wait until after we fucked to break up with me?”

She shrugged. “You’re really good in bed,” she offered, not sounding particularly apologetic. Tony scrubbed a hand through his hair, taking another deep drag off the cigarette before she plucked it from his mouth. “I think you should go now.”

“But it’s the middle of the night!”

Mina just stared impassively back at him and Tony rolled his eyes and huffed out a sigh. “Fine, whatever,” he grumbled, rolling off the bed to search for his clothes.

It was cold out, a light drizzle in the air, and he was a good thirty minute walk from the apartment that he and Rhodes had rented after their first year in the dorms. He knew he should call a cab, but it was a Saturday night (Sunday morning, now) and they were a good way from the main bar drag, and he didn’t really love the idea of waiting outside Mina’s house like a rejected puppy. Besides, being cold and wet and miserable seemed appropriate for how his night had been going.

It wasn’t like he had really expected things to work out with Mina. Quite the opposite. But still - five breakups in six months, none of which he’d instigated, was a little sad. And a post booty-call middle-of-the-night breakup was the most embarrassing yet.

The thing was, he could sleep around as much as he wanted, and it was never going to make the fact that he was completely and totally in love with Rhodey go away - and it wasn’t going to change the fact that Rhodey was leaving in just a few short weeks. Tony knew how these things went. They’d stay in touch for a bit, but they’d gradually drift apart, and probably he’d never see the other man again.

So, no. Sleeping around wouldn’t change any of this, but it did beat the hell out of lying in bed night after night, wondering what would happen if he just gathered the courage to get up, go next door, and tell Rhodey how he really felt.

By the time he made it home, Tony was shivering and ready to crawl into bed and forget the whole night. He let himself into the apartment and stopped when he spotted Rhodey on couch, laughing over some stupid late-night comedy thing, apparently still wired from the ROTC party he’d been at earlier.

“Hey,” Tony said, peeling off his soaked jacket and leaving it in a pile at the door, smiling despite himself at Rhodey’s bright laughter.

“Hey!” Rhodey answered. “Wasn’t expecting you back tonight.” He tilted his head back over the couch to look at him. “Jesus, what happened to you?”

“It’s raining out,” Tony offered, teeth chattering as he moved over to the couch.

“Yeah, no shit,” Rhodey replied, but it was fond and he was already wrapping Tony up in one of the blankets on the couch. “Why were you out walking in it? Thought you’d be crashing at Mina’s all night.”

“I was,” he admitted, calling after Rhodey as he wandered off down the hall. “But then she dumped me. And kicked me out of her house. So it was that or stand outside looking pathetic for twenty minutes while I waited for a cab. Figured I’d rather walk.”

Rhodey gave him a sympathetic look as he returned with three of their softest towels, dumping two in Tony’s lap before grabbing the third and attacking Tony’s head with it. Tony rolled his eyes, even while a secret part of himself delighted over Rhodey looking out for him.

“I’m sorry, man,” Rhodey told him. “Mina seemed... great.”

Despite the sting that he was still feeling over it, Tony snorted. “You hated her.”

“I didn’t hate her!” Rhodey protested. “I just... hated her for you.”

Tony’s smile went tight. “Yeah, well,” he mumbled. “Joke’s on me, because clearly you were right.”

“Hey,” Rhodey’s hand squeezed at his shoulder and Tony tried to ignore how good that felt. “I’m just... I’m kinda worried about you, Tony. You’ve been tearing through girls like nobody’s business lately, and that’s fine, it is, it just... Kinda seems like you’re using it to distract from something else.”

Tony shrugged, but it wasn’t like he could argue, exactly, so he kept quiet, smiling faintly when Rhodey passed him a beer. He could feel Rhodey’s eyes on him and focused on the tv, pretending not to notice. Rhodey just sighed, scrubbing a hand over his head.

“I’m just saying, you don’t gotta sleep with everyone who says something nice to you. Maybe slow down before you jump into bed with the next one. You’re a catch, Tones. You don’t have to settle. You could have anyone you wanted.”

Tony blinked over at him. “Even you?” he whispered, eyes widening when he realized he’d spoken out loud. “Fuck,” he muttered, glaring at his beer bottle.

“I.” Rhodey made a choked noise. “What did you say?”

“Nothing,” Tony said quickly, shoving the bottle down on their makeshift coffee table. “Nothing, I just... Had too much to drink tonight. Not making any sense.” He got heavily to his feet, brushing past Rhodey and giving him a smile that he knew Rhodey would see through. “I’m going to bed. Don’t worry about it.”

“Tony.” Rhodey still looked flabbergasted, but he collected himself enough to grab Tony’s wrist on his way by. “What. Did you. Say?”

Tony sighed, squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a brief moment before he turned to face him.

“I...” He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “I’ve kinda got a thing for you, Rhodes. Have for a long time. You wanna know why I keep going through so many people? Cause none of them are you.” Tony laughed, sounding high pitched and awkward to his own ears, and scratched at the back of his neck with his free hand. “Sorry,” he added, not able to meet Rhodey’s eyes. “Hell of a thing to drop on you, I know. At least graduation’s soon, right? Won’t have to see me after that.” He couldn’t make himself stop talking. “I’ll, uh. I’ll stay out of your way, till then. If you want. I won’t make it weird. Promise.”

Rhodey still hadn’t said anything, and Tony could feel his eyes burning. He squeezed them shut again, pulling half heartedly against the hand Rhodey still had wrapped around his wrist. “Can you let me go now, please?” he asked, voice dropping to a soft whisper.

Rhodey let go of his wrist like it burned him, and Tony winced as he turned away, still without looking at him. He was drunk, which was definitely the only reason that he found himself chewing his lip and fighting back tears until he was safely behind his bedroom door.

“Tony!”

Tony stilled halfway down the hall, drawing in a slow breath before turning back to face him. “Yep.”

Rhodey was off the couch and moving down the hall toward him. “Don’t... Don’t do that, man. Don’t shut me out like that. You caught me off guard, that’s all.”

Tony tried to smile, running a hand through his hair. “Well, that’s fair. Nobody expects anything like this. Can we just... write this off as a drunk fever dream. Pretend it never happened?”

“Tony!” Rhodey was grinning at him now, that fond look that he got when Tony’s ideas got really out there, and Tony was too embarrassed and too tired to figure out why. Rhodey seemed to know what he was thinking and he shook his head, laughing softly. “Yeah, man,” he said, finally reaching him and settling his hands on Tony’s arms. “Even me.”

“What?” Tony asked, frowning. Then his earlier words came back to him. “Wait... what?”

Rhodey’s grin was a little lopsided now, a faint flush on his cheeks. “Yep,” he said, a little nervously. His hand slid carefully up Tony’s upper arm, and Tony resisted the urge to shiver, hyper focused on the sensation. “Just... never thought you’d feel like that too.” His hand slid higher, curling around the back of Tony’s neck, and Tony swallowed hard at the feeling, their eyes locked.

“Oh god,” Tony blurted out. “Please just kiss me?”

Rhodey huffed out a laugh at that, and Tony giggled too and then they were kissing softly, Rhodey’s lips dry and cool against his own, his fingers tightening against the back of Tony’s neck. It lasted a few minutes before they pulled away again, blinking at each other.

“That was weird, right?” Rhodey asked.

“Super weird,” Tony admitted, eyes dancing and a pleased smile on his face.

“Come on, man. I thought you were supposed to be good at this.”

“What?” Tony protested, giggling again. “I am good at this! I’m amazing at this. If anyone needs to step it up here, it’s you. Get on my level, Rhodes!”

“Get on your level?” Rhodey repeated. “I’ll show you my level.” Then he had fisted his hands in the front of Tony’s shirt, dragging him for another kiss and it wasn’t weird at all.

@tonystarkbingo @ironhusbandsbingo

#tony/rhodey #ironhusbands #tony stark #james rhodes #get together #first kiss #mit era #h/c #hurt/comfort #schmoop #friends to lovers #brief mention of tony/ofc #fic #my fic #rating: M

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awkward-bookworm-amber · 5 years ago

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At the Brink of the End

Hi everyone! This story is an old collaboration between me, loopydroop, and two of our English classmates. Obviously, we’re all more mature writers now, but I find it interesting to see and reflect on our old works. You can find loopydroop’s blog here. So read on and have fun!

“Brring! Brring!” The bell rang loud and clear. Leo rushed out of history class, his least favorite subject. He rummaged through his bag for his phone. When he looked up, he saw Jacquelyn jumping joyfully over to her usual spot by their english class. Leo and Jacq went way back, all the way to preschool. Even as freshman in high school, they still hung out together at lunch. Leo made his way through the busy crowd to Jacq, who had sat down on a bench.

Jacq was going through Leo’s social media posts, particularly his selfies.

“Hey, Jacq.” Leo said, sitting down next to her. “What’s up?”

“Nothing!” Jacq snapped, hiding her phone’s screen in her lap. Her cheeks turned bright red against her fair skin. She relaxed before speaking again. “I was doing nothing. Just...scrolling through Instagram. What are you up to?”

“Not much.” Leo sighed. “Lacrosse tryouts are today. Other than that, my schedule’s empty.”

“Great! I hope you make the team.” Jacq smiled.

“Beep!” Leo’s phone exclaimed. What’s so important? I have my phone on silent! Suddenly, Jacq’s phone beeped too. Everyone’s phone beeped, and the whole school went silent. Then, the campus erupted into chaos. Leo and Jacq just stared into their screens at the notification which had reached every single phone:

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. NUCLEAR ATTACK WARNING. SEVERITY: EXTREME. CERTAINTY: HIGH. AFFECTED AREAS: WORLDWIDE. RESPONSE TYPE: SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER.

Jacq gasped. “What caused this!?” Her eyes were fearful as she turned to Leo. Leo had already stood up to rush along with the others into the nearest classroom. He grabbed Jacq’s hand and pulled her up. Tears began to run down her face as they neared their english classroom.

Before they entered, Leo stopped and turned to her. “Listen, I need you to come and fix this with me.”

“What do you mean? How can we fix this?” Jacq was already torn apart.

“Just trust me!” Leo partially shouted. Suddenly, he hugged her, wrapping his arms tightly around her small body. A tear rolled off of Jacq’s cheek and onto Leo’s black sweatshirt. Then, the chaos faded into the background, and soon disappeared. When Jacq opened her eyes, she was still hugging Leo, and still crying. However, the landscape was different. She was on the sidewalk just outside her house, and the sun was about four hours away from disappearing behind the Santa Clara County Jail. Jacq stood there in complete shock.

“What...happened?” Jacq managed to say. She pulled away from Leo.

“We time traveled, Jacq,” Leo stated. “and I can’t believe it worked.”

“What do you mean? How’s this possible? Time travel?”

“Don’t ask questions, okay? We can’t waste any time.” Leo grabbed her hand and ran up the street to his house. When they reached the garage door, he threw his hand into his pocket, and then unfolded a crumpled sticky note. He quickly entered the garage code, and the screech of metal against metal hurt Jacq’s ears. Leo stepped inside and pointed to a dark blue bike. “Hop on that one. I’ll take my brother’s.”

“Where are we going?” Jacq asked, throwing her body over the seat.

Leo tossed her a black helmet, which she adjusted to fit her small head. “Don’t ask questions, just follow.” He mounted his brother’s bike and strapped on a helmet before riding out into the street. Jacq reluctantly followed.

After around a half-an-hour ride across downtown, the teens came to a stop in front of barren-looking government property. The building was unmarked.

“Where are we?” Jacq asked.

“The Nuclear Control Center. It controls every nuclear plant in the world.”

“I never knew that was in San Jose.”

“Neither did I until a few weeks ago.” Leo parked his bike against a pole and left his helmet on the seat. Jacq did the same. Leo walked up to the door, and waited for Jacq to catch up before grasping the handle.

The door was stuck shut. “Honestly Jacq, I have no idea why I thought we could just prance into the worldwide nuclear control center without stumbling on some sort of security!” Leo, of all people, was losing hope. But he still attempted it. He flung his pitch black backpack off of his back and started to dig right away. “No, no, no!” He threw things out of his backpack like a raccoon going through a trash can for something good. “Aha!” He finally found his shiny, new screwdriver.

Jacq watched him in awe. She paid attention to all the small details: the reflection of the steel door on his brown eyes, the wide grin he wore when he achieved something big. She found it… slightly attractive. No. She didn’t.

Leo jammed the screwdriver in the lock in an effort to disable it. Every now and then, he looked at Jacq, who gave him a nod of approval. After a few tries, the door made a ‘click’ sound and swung open. Standing inside was a surprise they least expected.

“Welcome to your end, children!” President Crudo, the actual president of the United States of America, stood inside the building with roughly a dozen men flanking him. He looked elated. Jacq and Leo immediately noted him as someone not to mess with. But why was he here? Why now? “I was hoping I would have some rivalry. You know, it’s no fun destroying the world if it’s an easy task. Although I will admit, two children finding a way into this place is not what I had in mind.”

Jacq and Leo threw each other nervous glances. Unlike the president, they just wanted to get this over with. Why couldn’t it be easy for once? Then Leo took a big risk. He quickly pulled out a map of the building and chucked his backpack at the president square in the face. He then had dodged the president’s bodyguards, who made multiple attempt to grab him, and pulled Jacq into the left hallway. “Jacq, there’s no time,” Leo rushed through his words. He had to confess, he just had to.

“Leo What’s going on, what are you going to do?” Jacq choked on sobs. Her eyes were emeralds filled with worry, and looking at them made Leo want to cry to.

“Listen, I’ll tell you the truth, but you have to let me do this.”

“Do what? Leo please, if you put yourself at risk to save me-”

“Shhhh.” Leo gently put his finger in front of her mouth as a gesture of silence. They could slightly hear the footsteps of their enemies and could not afford to compromise their location. Not now. “I’m not a normal person, Jacq,” he whispered, “I have a power that no one could even possibly have. I can time travel just by thinking about it. Usually not more than four hours, but this time I took a chance. It was an emergency.”

Jacq’s eyes widened. Her jaw dropped. Not only because he gained amazing abilities, but because he told her. Suddenly, she wanted to do the same thing. But they could not take their sweet time. “How did you…”

“I was trying to figure out the theory of relativity in my garage and, well, I guess things just... happened.”

“Wow.” Jacq appreciated their friendship more than ever.

“Jacq, they’re going to find us. We have to hurry. We’re sitting right by an emergency exit. I want you to take it, run as far away from here as you can, and don’t look back.”

“Leo, what-”

“Just do it.” He was determined. If his plan worked and Jacq made it out, his sacrifice would not be in vain.

“Leo, I need to tell you something.” Jacq was shaking, both of cold and sadness.

“Jacq, we’re out of time.” The footsteps on the stone floor were loud now.

“I know, just one more thing.” She stood on her tippy-toes and kissed him on the forehead. When she pulled away, she saw a single tear on Leo’s cheek. She slowly wiped it away and studied his face, copying every detail and saving it to a file in her brain that she would never delete. She pulled in even closer until they shared their breath.

Leo felt something build up in his chest, a flood that was on the verge of breaking his mental dam. He loved her and he knew it. He always had, from the moment he first met her. And then she confirmed it. It the softest, most beautifully delicate voice, she said “I love you.” And she was gone. She did what he had asked. Now he had to finish it. He ran down the hallway, away from the footsteps, at full speed. From one corridor to the next, until he found the secure vault he was looking for, his only thought was: I’m doing this for you, Jacq. It was already open. Maybe President Crudo wanted to guard it himself, or stay near it in case something went wrong. For once, that horrible person did something helpful. Leo approached the big switch that was inside the vault. He knew a kill switch when he saw one. “Be safe, Jacquelyn.” And with that, he pulled it down.

Jacq was probably about five miles away when she stopped following the directions Leo had set out for her. When she heard it, she had to. She stopped in her tracks and froze. She wanted to believe the explosion wasn’t from the building Leo was in. No such luck. When she finally turned around, she saw a mushroom cloud in the place of the nuclear control center. Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground. All she could do was weep and scream his name. “Leo! Oh no, Leo. Please be alive. You have to be alive.” She knew their plan had succeeded, but was this really what she was willing to pay? She walked over to Leo’s bike, the one he had let her ride, and sat down with it in her lap. As she let the tears leave her, they fell onto the glossy blue of the handle. She didn’t care about what happened to her at this point, for she had already lost part of her soul.

As tears rolled down her eyes, Jacq felt her heart slowing down. The spark for Leo began to break-not in anger, but from sadness. Jacq had never felt this way for someone. She had always thought she would never find love. But then she felt something for Leo.

“Now, he’s gone. There's no bringing him back.’’ Jacq said, feeling a flood of tears about to burst from her eyes. “What am I going to do without him? Is there even a purpose to live? I just want him back!” she exclaimed. “Please…?” she said quietly. The smoke reflected on Jacq’s glazed green eyes. She couldn’t bear looking at the explosion. She could almost feel Leo’s presence around her.

Jacq sat correctly on the bike and rode off into the distance. She thought about what had just happened, still processing that Leo was dead. She thought about the memories with him. She thought about the day they went to a hiking trail and there were snakes near the edge. Jacq was screaming in terror and Leo saved the day. He carried her all the way till the end of the trail. Even though he was exhausted, he carried her anyway.

Maybe I should go to Leo’s home and tell his family the news. I don't know..should I? What if it’s dangerous? I mean, I don't know if there’s anyone following me. She thought. Jacq looked around to see if there was anyone. Oh who am I kidding? This is Leo we are talking about. The one person I ever loved.

Jacq rode down the hill. She looked up to see the bright blue sky. It felt like none of this even existed. Her olive green shirt was ripped up and her white jeans were smudged black with dust all over them. As the wind blew, ashes flew out of her hair.

After a while, Jacq reached his home. She saw the garage open and Leo’s dad cleaning his car in front of it. Jacq got off the bike and walked to him.

“Hey, kid! what’s up? Where’s Leo? And..what happened to your clothes? Let's get you inside and cleaned up.’’ he said. Mr. Kim put a blanket over her and walked inside the garage. But before he could reach the inside, Jacq grabbed his arm.

Jacq felt her eyes filling up with tears.“Mr. Kim…” Tears rolled off her face and onto the driveway. “Leo’s gone…!” she said. Her voice cracked as she cried. His light brown eyes filled with tears as well.

“Wh-what do you mean he’s gone?” he said softly.

“He’s DEAD!” she cried. The tears danced down his eyes as he took her inside. There, Leo’s mom was scrubbing the walls.

Leo’s mother was cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. There was paint everywhere. All the colors you can imagine were painted on the walls. As her sponge squeezed soap out, the liquid dripped down the walls. Mrs. Kim looked at the two of them crying and questioned them. She put aside the sponge and walked up to them. Her black short heels clicked as she walked toward them. She removed her apron and hung it up.

“What happened? Oh my God, is everything okay?” she asked. Her hazelnut-grey eyes watered up as she heard the news. She dropped the cleaning spray and fell to the floor when a little girl came out of the hallway.

“Mama! Come pla-” Mrs. Kim took the little girl’s hand.

“Go pack up your toys sweetie. I will explain later.” she spoke to her child.

“Wh-where are you going?” Jacq asked.

“We are leaving town. I think we need a fresh start. We will come back when we are ready.” Mr. Kim said to her. “We were planning to go for a month with Leo, but I think we might stay there permanently. I’m sorry.”

“Bu-but wha-”

“Go to your parents now Jacq.” Mrs. Kim said to Jacq in the softest voice.

Before she left, she noticed a small machine broken on the floor. Jacq walked up to it and picked up the pieces. She looked around the garage to see if there was anymore pieces. The grey metal walls had some papers of space and information on there. She stood on the washing machine and grabbed all the papers. Jacq took a glance through the papers and flipped one over. The words read:

My best friend Jacq, I know one day you will be reading this. These are papers about my theory on relativity. I challenge you to finish my theory, even if I’m not there. I love you.

Without hesitation, Jacq took the papers, grabbed the bike, and left.

Back into future, where the systems were supposed to go off, Jacq felt like she was nothing without Leo. He was one of the only people that actually cared about her, and has supported with her throughout preschool, elementary, and junior high and now he’s was gone.

Head down in despair, Jacquelyn whispered to herself, “Oh great. Leo is gone and now I have to work toward creating something that no human had even thought of designing.”

“Well then, challenged accepted. This is for you Leo.”

Without hesitations, Jacq started to work on creating something that was going to be impossible to make, possible. With all the encouragement from Leo, she started on the impossible invention, in the garage of course.

#wow I was young #collaborations #I wrote the climax :)#narrative writing

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bubblymiracles · 6 years ago

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guess who’s here to pop their nose back in for a quick whiff? motherfucking me

guess who’s here to drop a long ass rant? motherfucking me!

n what’s that topic, you ask? a thing that ain’t easy for me to talk bout unrequested: motherfucking me ...

i was active on this page for bout half a sweep. nearly not as long as a lot of you. call me weak for tucking mine bulge back in and running. that running gave me some time to take a step back in my pan and look at that half of a sweep, look at what i did and why i did. at this point i ain’t got no right to say i’m any better. but i’m learning and trying to be. i ain’t trying to make excuses. only give explanations. and getting it out makes it easier to all up and cope with some shit

i held so many bits of things that i wanna bring up, and how to bring em up, and now that i sit here and wanna write em down, they keep losing order all over again. i ain’t knowing where to start now, except for maybe my start here on that page?

i spent 3 sweeps all alone no motherfucking soul round to talk to. only corpses to look at in the light. those that shared mine session, prolly thought they’re off better without mine stupid ass. i ain’t knowing for sure, they ain’t talked to me bout it. ain’t ever asked what’s up in mine pan, ain’t ever bothered to tell me why and what bout anything. i mean young me ain’t cared a lot anyway as long as they talked. just followed their orders, if that’s what they wanna me to do. but hell did i care when that boom went off, and when the building nearly all up and collapsed on me, and when i finally got out to see the other half of the comet drift away from me. when i started looking round and i was all alone. when night after night passed on mine husktop and nobody was round no more to let me hear their voices, even if it was only for em wanting me to do some shit. all alone with those that fell to other’s hands, and to mine. all alone with mine sins and not able to let go of em, neither of em that i ain’t knew much bout at all, nor the softest brother that ever graced me with his presence. watching em rot away. for that i ain’t had to watch no more and be reminded every waking moment, i turned off the light. sometime i stopped trusting that clock on my husktop, cause it’s been a perigee since, then half a sweep, a whole sweep. i’m a coward. was, always will be. drowned my waking thoughts in the green slime. ain’t felt no hunger no more, and it ain’t scared me. i was happy. cause maybe someday i just wouldn’t wake up no more. ain’t knew bout em ghosts and bubbles yet, back then. two sweeps passed, three sweeps passed, and i was still all there. could feel under the skin mine ribs, mine spine, all the big bones. but i was still there. high as a kite, but too aware for what i liked. n then mine husktop made a funny noise. there was some kinda connection to a web, for the first time in like over three sweeps, it reached out to some shit. and that’s how i ended up on here

i started talking to motherfuckers. ain’t really trusted what’s going down here, all deep inside, but who cares? it’s just for a lil fun. and then that softest brother all up and stood in front of me, one motherfucking night. it ain’t been him who rotted away in mine arms three sweeps ago, but he looked at me in that soft way. he motherfucking asked me what’s up, what happened, why i am here. asked me if i wanted to leave. and he took me along, the mess that i all was. and suddenly? it all started to make a little more sense

some motherfucker once told me, it’s no wonder nobody ain’t wanna get close to me, if i keep acting as if the only one i ever wanna have close is tavros. i’m sorry if that’s how i made dudes out there feel. it ain’t that i ain’t wanna have nobody close. i just like. he got me out of there. even for a really long time after, he was the only motherfucker who was all round me. i ain’t seen no living being in over 3 sweeps. he was the beginning of my nights, the ends, the one watching over mine sleeping ass for that nothing bad happens, the one who made sure i eat, wash and sleep at all. there ain’t much out there in the bubbles. black endless nothingness and some bubbles here and there, that’s filled with yet another of em dead ones. most of em ghosts either ain’t getting we’re round at all, only repeat the old lines over and over with us, or even try to come at our throats. it’s just ... not really a lot to talk bout, other than my mate and stand-in-rail, who tries to patch up old wounds

some motherfucker once told me, with asking motherfuckers to come and talk to me, i’m driving em off. i should talk bout what i like and they will come to me. i ... ain’t got none good experiences with that. neither before, nor after. you know, for a motherfucker to stop talking bout what they like, it takes em friends to say, they ain’t care, it's stupid what i like, i should like something else. stop talking about tavros. shut up. you’re detestable. i tried to again, after they said that to me. ain’t worked really, and it made me tired

friends ... i told a couple motherfuckers i ain’t good with that word. friends. like what is it even meaning? motherfuckers that hit me? normal for a troll but i ain’t into that. motherfuckers that tell me mine blood is the only worthy on me and i gotta change all mine paths? normal for a troll but i that’s not me no more. motherfuckers that replace me on a whim? normal for a troll but it scared me. motherfuckers that leave me to die? normal. they ain’t ever asked me why i’m kinda all skittish once that word falls, ain't asked me if there’s some shit i gotta talk out. one told me to look it up in a dictionary. what i read kinda applied to all of em on here, and to maybe one who called me their friend in the past. that ain’t feeling right. i tried to talk bout that, and was told not to. motherfuckers keep saying, friends can care too, and it ain’t always pale, but there was like one single sister here on that whole page that cared and asked me. i know i ain't been no good friend back to her. i know i made it difficult to others in the same way she made it difficult for me. like, i mean, there was some dudes i was riding with on the same wave. and then something prolly happened and they faded out, and that makes sense i guess? still made me all sad

for most of that half of a sweep, i was awful. really. mother fucking. awful. had bad thoughts. she said i’m good in keeping up the smiles, but i guess in the end a lot of it seeped out. ain’t been on the green diamond no more, but some nights i all drowned it in sugar. slept so much tav was all worried. some nights i was up for like half an hour before i fell asleep for another 22 hours. i hurt myself. stopped eating again for weeks. ate chilis till my mouth was swollen and rubbed it into my eyes. cut my skin to let some of that hurt from the inside come out. it was easier like that. now i am sad it seeped out so much and that it drove peeps off ... i think, back then, a part of me wished someone would care. wished someone would hear me screaming here, and took my hands and tell me not to do that anymore. wished someone asked what’s up. wished, someone understood that i ain’t able speaking up on my own. wished someone told me i’m fine. now i know it’s too much. nobody wanna have my clown ass need them that bad. it just kept piling up and up and i ain’t knew what to do. i told some that a big part of me just wanna stop all of this and nope out of mine life, but that i’m too scared to leave tav all alone out here with nobody talking to him. and i am so motherfucking grateful for em to let me say that and still allow me to stick around

fuck now i’m breaking that flow, but i start to have issues remembering what i wanna bring up on here, and i just remembered

mister gray typoface. the motherfucker claiming to have a pitch crush on me. i know you ain't gonna read this ass long rant, but i’m still here wondering who you was. i know you ain’t wanna tell me. say i’m only that little crush and you got a pitch mate and all and that that crush is gonna pass anyway. but it leaves me wondering here, what i did. not what i did wrong for that to be on the pitch line, but what i did to make you think of me at all. and you know? sometimes dudes can get along past that crush without acting on it and ... urgh. become friends? :o) would have been nice to know i’m mattering so someone

i know how hard it is to be round crushes and all. know i been acting all stupid on em with the name karkat vantas. avoided em, sought em, judged em, sainted em. i thought he broke mine pusher with bombing me off and leaving me to die. i though i wanted him back. wanted him to take me back. i know, none of em with that name is the same that i grew up with, but reading on here that name always rang something in me. sometimes it was a sting in my pusher, sometimes it was an ache in my pan, sometimes a slap to my cheek, and sometimes a hit to mine acid sac. i thought a lot bout that. told it tav already so long ago when he asked me what’s up. did some more thinking, and finally a decision fell. yeah, he was my first pale crush. my first love. he prolly never felt the same back. he acted on me, one single time. knew what places to touch, to make my body react. knew what noises to make, to get my pan to shut down. looked motherfucking pleased with himself after. was the hero who saved their asses from the crazy clown going rampage. he knew i ain’t in none good spot. instead of fighting me, he did that. he ain’t took me off after, to try and help it get any better. i was there all locked up and shaking and just slinking mine ass out of the spot light to not be killed, all defenseless as i was. was the last time i saw or heard him. still makes me sick thinking bout that he touched me like that, how he looked after. and still i ain’t able blaming him fully for that

and i feel like there was something else i wall wanted to bring up but i ain’t able thinking no more right now. sorry gonna log off again

#long post #tw: self harm #tw: suicide #tw: eating disorder #tw: drug abuse #tw: abuse #tw: rape

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5hfanfiction · 6 years ago

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things only you know 3/3

PART THREE

a/n: this is a very, very late birthday gift to my good pal, mndng (ao3)/ taller-smol (wattpad). she didn’t rly ask for this as a present, but it’s what she’s getting from me.

tw: mention of shooting (imma point it out when it gets closer)

You’re back in your apartment, but your mind is stuck on what has happened in the last few days. In the short amount of time that you’ve spent with Lauren, she’s managed to turn your world upside down and wreak havoc in the peace of mind you thought you’ve successfully created for yourself.

You were so close in believing that you’ve moved on. That two years have been more than enough time to forget about someone who’s forgotten everything about you. That your heart no longer beats for her, aches to be with her, breaks with every second that passes that you’re not with her. That you can finally breathe without feeling like the air that’s rushing into your lungs is only there to suffocate you.

You were so close.

And you’ve even taken solace in the fact that she doesn’t remember you when you found out that you were going to see her again. That, maybe, the fact that she’s not trying to intentionally hurt you, the fact that you lost her not because of something you did, but that the two of you are mere victims of the hands of fate, is something you could at least take some comfort in. It’s not that she didn’t want you anymore. She’s merely forgotten, none of this is in her control after all.

But then you couldn’t even have that. You couldn’t even take comfort in the fact that she doesn’t remember you, because if there’s anything that the last few days have hinted at you, it’s the possibility that she might not have completely forgotten everything.

You know you really shouldn’t hang onto such a thin thread of hope, but you can’t help the warm glow that’s budding at the base of your chest, seeping through the cracks of its broken pieces and filling your heart with a familiar warmth when you think about how she’s not lost the ability to find your eyes across a crowded room. How she reaches for your hand out of instinct only to pull back when she catches herself. How she knows to send that smile. The kind that she’s only ever directed at you.

How she didn’t even hesitate to take your hand in hers and run her thumb along your knuckles in the way that she’s always done whenever you were anxious.

You don’t want to be so hopeful but you can’t help it.

So you call the one person that’s always understood you better than anyone else outside of Lauren.

“Hey Chanch, what’s up?” You can’t help the smile that forms on your lips at the sound of your best friend’s voice.

“Nothing,” you respond with a shrug even though you know she can’t see you. “Just wanted to check on how married life is treating you.”

“Really now?” She’s not even trying to pretend like she buys your bullshit for one second.

“Yeah, of course!” Your pitch is a little high but it doesn’t stop you from trying to delay what you really want to ask. You’re afraid the conversation that’ll ensue won’t be as ideal as the hope that keeps forming in your chest without your permission.

Dinah seems to contemplate if she wants to keep playing this game before she answers in a way only she knows how to. “Everything is absolutely amazing. Forget what they tell you about married sex. It’s even better.”

“Dinah!”

“And now that that’s out of the way. Can you tell me what you really wanted to talk to me about?”

You take a deep breath and close your eyes for a second because even though this is your best friend, and even though you know you can tell her anything, you’re both thankful for and terrified of her brutal honesty.

“I think – I think Lauren is starting to remember some things.”

There’s a heavy silence and you count the seconds that pass in the same number of beats that your heart skips as you wait for a response.

“Camila…” And that alone is almost enough to break your resolve. The way it drops from Dinah’s lips and carries through the speaker – it’s meant to be soft and gentle, but it feels like getting the wind knocked out of your chest and you swallow hard and blink fast if only to keep yourself from completely breaking down.

“No, you’re right.” You manage to get out. “I’m being stupid.” A laugh comes out of you and it feels more like acid coming up your throat and you hope it doesn’t sound as rough as it feels.

“Chanch, wait, no. You’re not being stupid. Just –” She takes a breath before continuing. “What makes you say that?”

“I don’t – I mean, there are just things, you know,” you try to explain yourself as you start pacing across your living room now, hand gesticulating wildly in the air as if that’d help you get your point across. “Sometimes, she looks at me like she remembers and it’s – I don’t really know how to explain it. And – and she does this particular thing, okay?”

Dinah lets out a soft sound of acknowledgment. You can’t be thankful enough for her patience.

“She used to do this thing with our hands whenever I feel anxious or sad or whenever she just needed to let me know that she’s there when I’m ready to talk and she did that, Dinah,” you exhale, feeling defeated with each word that comes out of your mouth. Now that you’re able to say your thoughts out loud, you can’t help but shrink into yourself. Like maybe you didn’t have as much of a case as you had thought. “She did it without hesitation. Like she’d always done it and no time has passed at all.” You manage to barrel through the rest of your explanation with a sigh.

“For the record,” Dinah starts and you can hear the small smile that must be forming on her lips. “I don’t think you’ve completely lost your mind. I wouldn’t put it past you and Lause – you and Lauren,” she amends and you swallow because you know exactly how it feels. How easy it is to fall back into old habits of nicknames and fond smiles and knowing looks, only to be brought back to the harsh reality that this is the present after all whenever you see the confused look on Lauren’s features that says she’s not quite the same Lauren anymore. “I wouldn’t put it past you and Lauren to have some weird hand-finger lesbian thing I’m not privy to,” and you make a mental note to call Dinah more, because as much as you’ve been a neglectful best friend in the last couple years, she’s continued to be there when you need her most. “And maybe you’re right, maybe you’re not.”

Her voice is the softest you’ve ever heard on the last word - as if she’s trying to soften the blow.

“But I want you to be careful, okay? Do what you have to do. Talk to her, talk to Clara,” she takes a moment to let her words sink in. “But whatever it is, just – just don’t get your hopes up too much, okay? You’ve been through enough, Chanch.”

You close your eyes in an attempt to keep the burning you can feel forming behind your eyelids from spilling out as you try to center yourself and gather your thoughts.

“Okay.” Your answer is breathy and uncertain and you can almost see Dinah’s pitying eyes so you rush to end the call. “Thanks, Cheech. I really appreciate it.” You hope she can sense all the words unsaid and you promise yourself to be a better friend.

“Anytime, Walz.”

***tw: mention of shooting***

And it’s during these times when the memory of what happened that day is most prominent at the forefront of your mind. It’s times like these – when you’re alone and it’s nighttime and Lauren isn’t here to be your rock, your lifeline, your very own anchor that tethers you to reality to keep you from getting too lost in your head – that the scene that you’ll never forget, plays over and over in your head.

You remember it too clearly. You and Lauren were on a road trip to nowhere during one of the few rare weekends that you both managed to actually be free from your demanding schedules. You went on these road trips as often as you could and it’s something you’ve grown to cherish.

You’d drive for hours on end, wasting away the day with the sun and the wind beating against your skin, and you remember reveling in the warmth of Lauren’s presence and being wrapped up in the music blasting from her speakers. You remember seeing Lauren at her happiest, smile wide and eyes bright under the sun as she sings along to the radio without a care in the world, the melody of her voice drifting through the air, light and relaxed and beautiful, and you remember thinking that these are the moments that you’ll always look back on with a smile on your face no matter what happens.

When there was nothing but you and Lauren and the love you had for each other.

Even though Lauren’s parents have all but disowned her for failing to marry her childhood best friend, the sole heir to a partner company, Lauren had worked hard enough in college to secure a solid position at a business firm and coupled with her inheritance from her grandmother, who didn’t even bat an eye that Lauren decided not to follow her parents’ wishes, and your own stable position that you had gotten at a bioengineering company, you and Lauren weren’t doing too badly.

You’d spent the first year out of college crammed in a small but practical apartment and have only recently moved into your much more spacious (and expensive) apartment in central Manhattan before you both decided that you needed a break from the city.

You packed a couple bags and were well on your way to a beach somewhere, anywhere really, when you decided to take a break and load up on some snacks in a small town gas station somewhere in Pennsylvania.

It was your classic being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You remember walking in the gas station store, Lauren’s arm carelessly slung around your shoulders, your face tucked in her neck as you both giggle about some stupid joke you had said and it was only moments later when a sudden commotion near the front of the store caused you both to look up. You remember Lauren instinctively stepping in front of you and bringing both her hands up in front of her when you both spot the cause of the commotion.

There was a man – a boy really – he was young, much too young for this - he couldn’t have been over twenty and he looked absolutely terrified, sweat running down his features as he haphazardly waved a handgun in front of him, his hand shaking so much that you had been sure the gun was going to go off without his permission. His finger was precariously curled over the trigger, tense and stiff and you’ve never been so scared in your life.

Lauren stayed standing in front of you and you remember holding onto her arms from behind her, not really sure if you wanted to drag her out of the store or pull her back so she’s not directly in front of you but you don’t have time to decide because the boy’s eyes, wild and scared and so vulnerable, land on the both of you.

Neither of you was wearing anything particularly flashy, just a couple loose tank tops and some ripped cut-offs, but it’s not hard to stand out in a small town where everyone knows everybody. The boy took one look over you and you remember how you could almost see the gears turning in his head. You watched as he turned his head to look through the glass door and sure enough, standing out like a sore thumb is Lauren’s shiny, black Mercedes and the boy immediately addressed the two of you, telling you to throw him the keys while the cashier was loading up his backpack with the cash from the register.

The next few moments seemed to happen in a blur and at the same time, the seconds felt like it dragged agonizingly slowly. You remember the sound of sirens ringing right outside the store just as Lauren was about to throw her keys and the flash of panic that crossed the boy’s eyes as he swiveled his head once more to look outside of the store, only to be met with several police cars crowding the front.

There was another customer that had taken the chance to tackle him to the ground while he was distracted and it’s like Lauren knew what was going to happen because she immediately turned towards you.

You remember her arms wrapping around you protectively as she tucked your face in her neck, her back turned towards the scuffle and you felt your heart stop at the sound of a gunshot going off.

You remember feeling frozen for a second before the arms wrapped around you loosened as Lauren slowly fell to the ground and you remember feeling like your heart was being slowly ripped from your chest with every second that Lauren lost her hold on you. You remember being down by her side in an instant. You remember watching in horror as the pool of blood around her head seemed to grow larger and larger and you can’t say you remember much of what happens after that.

It was a blur of countless police interviews, late nights at the hospital, memory lapses that got worse and worse with time and being filled with an overwhelming sense of helplessness about it all.

***end tw***

——————————————————————————————————————–

start of flashback

——————————————————————————————————————–

You’re standing in the middle of a crowded airport holding onto Lauren’s hands as if they’re the only things keeping you grounded. Her grip on your fingers is firm but yielding all the same as she runs her thumb across your knuckles in a way that you know has come to be second nature for her.

You’re toe to toe, her lips ghosting your forehead as you keep your eyes closed in hopes of keeping your tears in while you try to savor these last few moments. You know the last call for Lauren’s flight to London is coming any second and you’re finding it hard to let go because something about all of this seems like more than just a temporary goodbye.

There isn’t a definite date of when Lauren is supposed to come back and you can’t help the heavy weight on your chest, this lingering feeling – a sort of dull ache that’s permeating over every inch of your chest, seeping in through the spaces in between your ribs and clutching around your heart – this feeling that you’re about to lose a piece of yourself and you don’t know how you can get it back - if you’ll ever get it back.

“It’s going to be okay, baby.” Lauren’s voice pulls you out of the depths of your mind, her voice soft and gentle as it washes over you and you feel a bit of tension leave your body.

“Promise me you’ll come back to me.”

She squeezes your hands tighter and you don’t miss the slight tremor in her breath as she tries to steady her voice.

“Always. I’ll always come back to you, love.”

It hadn’t been bad at first. The bullet had lodged in a part of Lauren’s brain that didn’t seem to leave any major damage so the doctors had decided to keep it in as opposed to risking a surgery. That was, however, until Lauren started having memory lapses that had gotten progressively more severe over the last few weeks.

When this was coupled with increased mood swings and the occasional seizure, they had started to consider surgery once again and it wasn’t long after Clara had found a willing surgeon in London that Lauren’s flight was booked before any of them really had any time to process what was going on.

You take one last shaky breath as you pull your head back and you meet Lauren’s watery eyes and you know you’re probably mirroring the sadness that’s apparent in your favorite shade of green. You let go of her hands for a second to unfasten the handmade bracelet she had given you earlier in your relationship from your wrist and when she realizes what you’re doing, you lean in for a lingering kiss to silence her protest, pulling back with a sad smile as you take her hand back in yours, looping the bracelet delicately around her wrist and running your thumb across the back of her hand afterwards.

“Camz,” she breathes out. “That’s yours now. I gave it to you.”

“I know, baby.” Your eyes are fixed on the bracelet for a few moments before you look up to see her watching you ever so patiently. She’s always known just how to read you, when to give you space, when to push and when to back down. Even now, when you know she’s confused, she’s giving you the time you both know you don’t have to gather yourself. “I’m just asking you to hold onto it for me, okay?”

You hold her gaze for a few long seconds before understanding crosses her features and you can almost see the exact moment when she tries her hardest not to fall apart right there and then. This is already hard enough for the both of you as it is and she nods her head in the slightest, eyes blinking fast in a last ditch effort to prevent her tears from cascading down her cheeks.

“You can return it when you get back to me, okay?”

“Okay,” is all she says as she watches you run your fingers along the faded band. It’s worn and old and has definitely gone through more than it deserves, but it’s resilient and has proven itself through the test of time and you can’t think of anything else that symbolizes your love for each other quite as well.

The overhead announcement for the last call on Lauren’s flight rings loudly in your ears and you bring your hands up to gently cradle her face, her tears finally falling down her pale cheeks and you muster a smile as you try to be strong for the both of you. You map her features with your fingers, gently tracing the contours of her face as if trying to embed in your mind as much of her as possible because as much as you don’t want to think about it, something about this moment feels like the last of things.

Her eyes are sad and her lips tremble under your touch and you don’t know how someone can make pain and absolute anguish look so beautiful.

“I’ll be here when you get back. I love you so much, Laur,” you say through a watery smile, gently running your thumb across her cheeks and softly wiping away the tears that slope down her smooth skin.

“I love you, too, Camz,” she mumbles the words against the side of your head as she pulls you back in for a hug, wrapping her arms around your body and for a second, the rest of the world disappears and it’s just you and Lauren, wrapped up in one another and basking in your love for each other.

——————————————————————————————————————–

end of flashback

——————————————————————————————————————–

That was the last time you heard her say those words to you and you wish you’d held on a little longer, a little tighter, paid attention just a little bit more. You think you’re willing to trade years of your life for a few more seconds of that moment. The moment right before you lost half of yourself.

You shake the thoughts out of your head because you know this is a dangerous path to be on. You never quite know when to stop the onslaught of memories once you get it started so you’re hoping to put an end to it for the night before it’s too late and it consumes you completely.

The peace is temporary as you feel your phone vibrate in your hand and you roll your eyes at the thought of Dinah worrying again when you see a name flash across the screen that you weren’t expecting and your breath gets caught in your throat.

Lauren.

You gather yourself just in time to answer it before it goes to voicemail and you wonder briefly how you can even hear anything over the pounding in your ears.

“Hello?” You chance a glance at the clock above your fireplace and see that it’s almost eleven and there’s a passing thought of why Lauren could be calling you at this hour when you haven’t really talked since the wedding last weekend.

“Hi. Camila?” There’s something about her voice that has you leaning in closer to your phone, hanging on to every word that she says.

“Hey. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, no. I mean yeah – I mean, - sorry,” she sighs out and you can almost picture her running her fingers through her hair in frustration, undoubtedly making it even messier. “It’s just that – I didn’t really know who else to call. I’m sorry. And you can totally tell me if I’m overstepping or whatever-”

“Laur,” you say as gently as you can. “It’s fine. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

You wait for her to speak again and when she does, all you could think of is that you didn’t think it was possible for your heart to beat even louder in your ears.

“Okay, yeah.” You hear her swallow hard before continuing. “Mom and I had a fight and I packed a bag and stormed out and I just didn’t know where to go.” Her voice is small towards the end and there’s a few beats of silence when you’re not really sure what’s going on before you decide to get your head on straight and fully process what she’s really trying to say.

“Where are you now? Do you need a place to stay? Do you need me to pick you up from somewhere?” You don’t even realize you’ve gotten up and gathered your things and are just about ready to go when her voice makes you pause even just for a moment.

“No, no, you don’t need to pick me up. But um – I do need a place a stay. Even if it’s just for the night. I - I just really didn’t know who else to –”

“Of course. Yeah,” you clear your throat in hopes of clearing the lump in your throat. “Are you sure you don’t need me to pick you up?”

“No, I’m good. Really.” And you can hear the smile in her voice and you feel a bit disoriented because you’re talking to Lauren on the phone like you’ve always done and yet you know it’s different. “Just give me your address and I should be able to make it there.”

“Yeah, sure. My building’s just off of the corner of Main Row and Atlantic Boulevard by-”

“Wait.” A pause. “Riverhouse Heights?”

A beat of silence followed by, “Hello? Camila? You still there?”

“Yeah yeah,” you answer slowly, trying to remember if you ever mentioned to Lauren where you live. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Oh.” You don’t know how to explain it but you can almost sense the gears turning in Lauren’s head. You can imagine her brows furrowing in the way they do whenever she’s trying to figure something out. “That’s weird,” and she lets out a small chuckle but you don’t know what to make of it. “When I walked out of my mom’s house, I was so mad, I literally got in my car and just started driving and I didn’t even really know where I was going and I ended up in this café and,” you can picture her looking around as if to confirm where she is. “And I think I’m right around the corner from you.”

The Busy Bean

It’s the café you and Lauren used to go to all the time partly to satiate Lauren’s caffeine addiction and partly to satiate your own sugar obsession. Lauren swears by their café con leche and you’re not exaggerating when you say you’d seriously consider committing a crime for their strawberry-graham scones.

You’re barely able to hold yourself up with all the possibilities swirling in your head so you lean against the arm of your couch before answering. “Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about. Just head over and I’ll let security know you’re coming. Room 1727.”

“Alright. Thanks again, Camila. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“See you soon.”

When Lauren appears at your door not even twenty minutes later with a duffel bag haphazardly thrown over her shoulder, dark bags under her eyes and hair a mess, you’re almost jealous of how well she pulls off the whole bum look if you weren’t so completely enamored by her.

You also can’t help but be relieved that you’d decided to put away anything, well as much as you could anyway, that reminded you of Lauren when you decided you were going to try to move on – your photos together, some of the pieces you picked together to decorate the walls, even the one or two paintings that she’d done for your place. You figure the apartment in itself – the space that you shared with her even just for a short amount of time was enough of a reminder of what you’ve lost.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” there’s a small smile on her face and it ignites the budding hope in your chest. Her smile is tired but just as dismantling as ever and you’re coming to learn that you’re probably never going to get your heart back from her. She’s taken it for herself and you’re just going to have to learn to live with the gaping hole in your chest, but you don’t think you mind when you can fill it with memories of moments like these, when Lauren is looking at you like nothing has changed.

She takes a pensive look around the place and you have to actively think about not pulling her into your arms as she observes with curious eyes. Her gaze lands back on you and there’s a hint of a question in her eyes; she’s looking at you as if you have the answer before she seems to come back to her senses and shakes her head subtly.

“You okay?”

“Y-yeah, I’m just – ” she scrunches her brows up and seems to think about what she’s going to say before she meets your eyes again and decides to go for it. “This place just seems familiar, is all.”

You try your best to seem unphased and you quickly look away at the pretense of looking around the apartment instead, but before you can come up with a poor excuse, she shakes her head once more and lets out a small chuckle. “Don’t mind me. It’s been a long day; I’m probably just seeing things.”

Seeing Lauren back in your apartment, the one you spent countless hours trying to decide on together, is jarring and you have to keep reminding yourself to really not get your hopes up too much.

But when you see Lauren timidly sit on your couch, you can’t help but picture the many times you’ve cuddled up to her during the nights when you’d both rather pass out together than get dressed up and go out, her hand softly running up and down your side, her mere presence and warmth lulling you to sleep while you watch twelve-year-olds try to make crème brulees with 30 seconds left on the clock.

When she walks into your kitchen to get a glass of water, you can’t help but remember how she cooked for you almost every night, despite being exhausted from her own job, she always made sure that she had some home-cooked meal for you because apparently, The courting never stops, Camzi. You remember how you always made sure to kiss your thanks against her gasping mouth, dot it across her hot skin and against the heat at the junction of her thighs.

After settling your sleeping arrangements for the night (you had to fight the urge to blatantly ask Lauren to join you in your bed), you find yourself wide awake and staring at the ceiling of your room knowing that Lauren is sleeping on your couch (you spent about twenty minutes trying to convince her to take your bed instead but she’s as stubborn as you remember).

You’d called Clara earlier and let her know that Lauren is staying with you because despite whatever messy history you might have with her, you can’t even begin to imagine how anxious she must be, knowing her daughter with amnesia has gone out in the middle of the night in New York city after not having lived in it in years.

You’d half expected her to be mad at you and fight the whole thing and surely she’d accuse you of breaking your agreement about not telling Lauren anything, but to your surprise, she didn’t have a hint of protest in her voice when you’d informed her that Lauren had called you for help. And if your head wasn’t so consumed about figuring out how to deal with Lauren in your apartment, you would’ve spent a second to think about how she almost sounded relieved that Lauren was with you.

You toss and turn throughout the night and doze off every once in a while, but you never quite fall in a deep enough sleep, so when you wake up for the tenth time and turn your head to look at the bright numbers on your bedside alarm telling you it’s six in the morning, you sigh resignedly as you get out of bed and wash up in your en-suite knowing full well that you’re most likely not gonna get any more sleep.

You pad your way into your kitchen and it’s like you’ve taken a step back into the past because there’s Lauren, clad in a long sleep shirt and small shorts, hair mussed and eyes light under the morning light shining through your windows making coffee like she always used to do. And because it’s only six in the morning and the world is always ready to knock you off your feet, you hear Lauren humming to a familiar Elvis classic.

Wise men say,

Only fools rush in

You will yourself not to cry because it’s too early and really, how are you supposed to explain why you’re crying when you’ve barely woken up. It’s taking all of your willpower not to close your eyes, not to get lost in the memories of Lauren whisking you away in an impromptu dance in the middle of your kitchen, sleep-dusted eyes sparkling with unadulterated happiness as she twirls the both of you while lively singing to the tune of Can’t Help Falling in Love through easy smiles and light laughter.

For the millionth time since you’ve seen her again, you find yourself hanging on to that precariously thin thread of hope that your story might not be over just yet.

You make your presence known and Lauren gives you one of her smiles that always manages to throw you just a bit off your orbit, but there’s something different about it. Lauren’s always been the type of person that conveyed a quiet sense of strength; she’s always exuded an aura that was commanding but wasn’t imposing and it gave her a mysterious air, but it’s something you’ve grown to admire over the years.

But the smile she’s giving you right now, and the look that goes with it, is disarming in a new way. She’s looking at you like she’s trying to figure something out or she’s on the last piece of a puzzle and you’re not quite sure what to make of it.

“Hey, good morning,” she rasps out. “Coffee?” She offers you a cup and you realize she was making two cups this whole time.

“Yeah, sure.” You take a sip and brace yourself to pretend to like it because you know you take your coffee a certain way (there’s a very specific and well-tested ratio of coffee to milk to sugar that you can stand) and there’s only one other person who really knows how to make it [see: pre-amnesia Lauren] and you really don’t want to hurt Lauren’s feelings.

Your immediate, premeditated response comes to a screeching halt at the tip of your tongue when you get a taste of the coffee because it tastes exactly like how you like it. You continue to drink it if only to prevent yourself from blurting out something stupid like, How do you still know how to make my coffee, and you see Lauren watching you from over the brim of her cup as she takes a sip of her own coffee. If you weren’t so focused on trying to stay composed, you might have taken another second to over-analyze the expression on her face - and the way she looks as if she’s almost waiting for a reaction from you.

But that’s crazy, right? There’s no way she remembers.

She would have told you. But then again, you’ve not exactly been honest with her. You wonder if this is how it’s always going to be between the two of you – constantly tiptoeing around one another as the truth weighs heavy on your shoulders, always threatening to bring you to the breaking point, but never having enough for you to fall over the edge.

“Good?” She asks you after a few moments of the two of you just silently drinking.

“Y-yeah,” you get out with a hard swallow.

“Do you mind if you take a walk with me after breakfast, just around here – ” she starts to say before she realizes something. “Oh unless you have something to today, I didn’t even think to ask-”

“No, yeah it’s fine,” you reassure her.

“You sure? I don’t wanna impose.”

“Of course, and no, you’re not imposing. It’s really okay.”

She gives you a small smile and you try to calm the beating of your heart at the way she looks at you.

“I’m sorry for crashing, by the way. Waking you up in the middle of the night probably wasn’t ideal.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” you say sincerely and you wait for her to look at you before continuing. “I’m here – we’re all here to help you in any way we can.”

“Thank you, Camila. Really, you’ve been great.”

You try not to let the bitterness of the truth on the tip of your tongue show on your face.

–

Everything was going so well.

Really, you didn’t think anything could go wrong with you and Lauren just walking around the park near your apartment. It was peaceful, you were having light conversation, you could almost feel like you were back to two years ago and there was just the two of you.

“Camila!”

Your heart stops and the breath gets caught in the back of your throat because you know that voice. You throw Lauren a quick panicked look while she gives you a confused one in return before you brace yourself for the inevitable.

“Hey, Camila. How are you?” You turn around and give Lucy a pained smile as she goes in for a hug and you don’t miss the way Lauren’s eyebrow rises in the slightest bit, her lips curling in a tight-lipped smile as she subtly clenches her jaw.

You guess that some things never change.

——————————————————————————————————————–

start of flashback

——————————————————————————————————————–

You walk into your apartment after a long day of going around New York to the smell of your favorite food permeating the place: fricase de pollo.

“Honeeeey, I’m home!” You say cheerily as you drop your keys by the front door and head straight to the kitchen where you know the best girlfriend in the universe is making you the best dish ever.

“Hey,” she says curtly while barely looking up before going back to cutting vegetables. You quirk an eyebrow up and try to hide your smile as you approach her because you can already tell what this is about.

You stand by her side and lean your elbows on the counter while you turn to watch her side profile as she tries to focus on her task. “Don’t I get a kiss?”

She rolls her eyes but leans in for a brief kiss dutifully and you can’t help but smile into it.

“You know, I’m not sure what those veggies ever did to you, but you’re cutting them up pretty harshly. You don’t wanna break your ultra-expensive chopping board now do you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says through clenched teeth as she gathers the ingredients and seasonings, slowly mixing them into the pot before leaning back on the counter and crossing her arms, still petulantly refusing to meet your eyes.

“Whatcha cooking?”

“Your favorite.”

“That’s sweet of you.”

“Don’t you forget it.”

You decide you’ve had enough and approach her to stand in her space, slowly uncrossing her arms and placing them on your waist as you fold your own around her neck. “Lauren.”

“What?”

You smile once more before taking a hand to cradle her face and gently turn it so she’s facing you. “I love you.”

Her eyes turn soft and she sighs out, the tension leaving her body in waves as you give her a sincere smile, her arms tightening around your body as she leans down to tuck her face in the crook of your neck, mumbling against your skin. “I know. I love you, too.”

“I asked you to come with us, you know.”

“And I would have! But I really couldn’t get out of my meetings, today,” she says as she pulls back to face you, pout in full force.

“You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

“Wha – what. I’m not jealous. Psh.”

“Yeah, that was very convincing,” you continue to tease her while she just continues to pout.

Lucy was going to be in town for the next couple of days and you’d both immediately made plans to catch up when you found out, which is why you spent the day showing her around the city.

She’s an important part of your life, even if she lives across the country now. She was your first real relationship, your first real girlfriend and even though it didn’t work out because you went to universities that were on opposite sides of the country, you remained very good friends. She’d helped you come to terms with your sexuality while you struggled to understand who you were supposed to be in high school and for that, you’ll always be grateful.

“It’s hard not to be jealous when your girlfriend is out all day with her ex, you know?” Lauren huffs and you’re brought back to your pouty girlfriend once more.

“You know you have nothing to be worried about, right?”

“Yeah well, you did say she was your ‘sexual awakening,’” she punctuates her words with exaggerated air quotes and a poor imitation of your voice before bringing her hands back to your waist.

“Lauren!”

“What?” she asks, almost seriously. “Besides, she’s accomplished, gorgeous, and- ”

“Wow, babe. You sure I don’t have anything to worry about?”

“Please, no one has anything on you.”

You will the blush you feel creeping up your neck before replying. “You realize you’re all of those things too, right? Besides, yes, Lucy is important to me, but nothing can even compare to how I feel about you and what you mean to me,” you answer seriously and you see nothing but pure adoration in your favorite eyes before Lauren leans in and gives you a soft kiss.

“Okayyy, fine,” she huffs playfully.

“Besides, I don’t make a big deal when we run into one of your previous harlots every other day.”

All she gives you is a raised eyebrow and a barely-concealed smirk.

“Okay, maybe I get a little jealous – okay, a lot jealous,” you amend and she lets out a laugh, carefree and light and everything that you’ll ever need. “They’re everywhere, Laur. It’s almost like they seek you out!”

“Oh come on, you have all of my heart, love,” she says sincerely and you don’t think you’ll ever get used to how effortlessly she can switch from being silly to absolutely serious – how easily she can sweep you off her feet with her staggering sincerity, like she’s never known how to do anything else but love you truly and wholeheartedly.

“And you have mine,” you whisper against her lips before leaning in to kiss her.

——————————————————————————————————————–

end of flashback

——————————————————————————————————————–

“I’ve been good, you?” You answer while trying to figure out how you can whisk Lauren away from this situation. You love Lucy, you really do, but you could really do away with her right now.

She’s not exactly privy to the whole situation. She knows about the incident and the initial troubles it had given Lauren (you figure pretty much everyone and their momma probably knows), but you haven’t really let very many people know about the aftermath. About how she had to move away for a surgery that essentially erased all of her memory of you.

“Good! I’ve actually been recently relocated to Boston and I’m back and forth between here and there for the next few months.”

“That’s good, yeah, um – ” before you can continue to stall, however, Lucy’s eyes find Lauren’s and you wonder about the consequences of just dragging Lauren away and never looking back.

“How are you, Lauren? I’m glad to see you’re doing okay.”

“I’m good,” Lauren answers while subtly looking back between you and Lucy, as if asking how well she’s supposed to know this girl.

“I still can’t believe what happened to you guys,” Lucy barrels through. “Like, that’s crazy to think about.” She gives you both a sincere smile before continuing. “But I’m really happy to see you got through it all okay.”

“Yeah – um actually,”

“I mean, I think if anyone can get through something like that, it’d be the two of you, you know. You were that couple,” she chuckles and you chance a glance at Lauren just as you see her breath hitch, eyes carefully studying Lucy, looking for any sign that she’s lying. “You were so in love with each other, it was truly nauseating,” she says with a laugh.

–

The walk back to your apartment is as awkward as it is tense – the reality of what just happened weighing heavy around you and you’re almost relieved to reach your place if only for the fact that you can finally create some space between you and Lauren.

Your heart is in your throat and the atmosphere is suffocating as you stand on opposite sides of your living room, Lauren looking pensive before she looks up and you see nothing but pain in her eyes.

They fill with unshed tears and you have to work hard to choke back your own tears.

“So, did you have plans of telling me at all?” Her voice is rough and is filled with emotions that you know are there because of you.

“Lauren – I – I can explain,” you manage to get out through the lump building in your throat. You can hardly breathe, but you can feel Lauren slipping from you for good for the second time in this lifetime and you don’t know if you can survive it all over again.

When you can’t come up with anything, she gives you a sad smile and it pierces through your being – seeing Lauren in pain, it crashes like a train against your chest.

“I asked my mom if I’ve ever been in a serious relationship when we first got back to New York, and she said no. No hesitation on her part. But then,” she takes a deep breath to meet your eyes again and there’s a flurry of emotions in her bright green eyes. “But then, I saw you that first day in Hawaii and I had this unbelievable urge to go up to you and hug you.“ There’s an ache in her eyes that lets you see for the first time just how affected she’s been about all of this.

“I didn’t know what to think of it. I had to hold onto my chair because if I didn’t, I’m sure I would’ve gotten up and kissed you right there.” It’s your turn for your breath to leave your lungs in a rush; hearing about how she felt the same things as you, even if she couldn’t understand why, was causing a pandemonium of emotions in your chest.

“This pull kept happening – like I was unbelievably drawn to you, beyond anything I could understand, and I didn’t know what to do and I somehow ended up here,” she looks around the place in the same way she did yesterday.

Just when you thought your heart couldn’t possibly take much more, she continues.

“And I also found this in my stuff,” her voice is soft and it cracks in the end as she pulls out something from her pocket and you finally let out a quiet sob as she looks up, tears streaming down her own face.

She’s holding out a ring.

You’ve envisioned this moment so many times before, you never thought it’d happen at a time when both your hearts are shattered on the ground. “There’s an engraving on the inside,” she musters up a soft smile, it’s full of heartbreak and misery, but it’s still so, so beautiful. So Lauren.

“LMJ & KCC.”

She turns to look at one of the frames on the wall and you follow her gaze. “Nice degree by the way,” she gestures to your diploma and you see your bioengineering degree displayed, where your full name is written out, Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao.

She approaches you and takes your hand in hers delicately and you’re reminded of just how much you actually miss this. Your hand in Lauren’s, her eyes on yours, your hearts beating so close to one another. She takes a deep breath and slides the ring in your finger carefully and you try your best not to fall apart. “Perfect fit,” she whispers before stepping back and you already miss her warmth.

“Lauren, I’m so sorry,” you say through relentless tears clouding your vision.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t – I didn’t know what it would do, what would happen and I’d only just gotten you back,” you say earnestly. “Even if it’s not in the same way as I would like, I didn’t want to lose you again.”

“Is it because of mom?” And her words hit you right in the chest, your mind swimming with a million thoughts a mile a minute.

“Laur, wha- why-”

“Is it?” she asks again, her tone firm and steady.

“No,” you try to match her firmness in her voice. “I made the decision not to tell you.”

“Why?” The vulnerability is back in her voice.

You take a deep breath before you look into her eyes so she knows you mean nothing but the truth.

“You didn’t remember me, Laur. And – and when we were together, fighting with your mom always took a toll on you. I knew just how much it hurt you to be on bad terms with her, even though you tried your best to hide it. You chose me and as much as I love you for that,” you give her a watery smile, “It hurt me that I took you away from your mom. And when I found out that you didn’t remember anything about us,” you steady your voice as much as you can, but you can’t help when your voice cracks under the weight of all the emotion you’ve buried for years and are finally pouring out of you. “I figured it was time to give you back.”

She looks at you for several tense moments, her eyes piercing right through you before she breaks the silence. "So you really were never going to tell me.” She shakes her head and lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “I was willing to marry a girl that isn’t willing to fight for me.”

“Laure-”

“Goodbye, Camila.” And with that, she walks out the door and you wonder how much more of this pain you’d be able to handle.

–

You’re fiddling with your fingers in front of you, your cup of coffee untouched and you can’t decide if you want to escape or finally just get this over with.

Clara Jauregui is sat across from you, her fingers curled around her own mug of coffee as she watches you with steady eyes, her posture regal and her whole aura seemingly untouchable. That much hasn’t changed a single bit. But there’s also something different about her. There’s a subtle undertone of sadness in her eyes and a softness in her presence that you’d never have associated with her two years ago.

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Camila.” Her voice brings your attention back to her and you finally gather enough courage to look her in the eye, her gaze is nothing but calm and reassuring.

“Of course.”

She takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’m sorry.”

You have to take a few moments to process that Clara Jauregui is asking for your forgiveness because you’d never have expected anything of the sort from the Clara you thought you’ve always known.

She lets out a small chuckle and you can’t help it when it reminds you of Lauren, how it’s light yet unrestrained. “You don’t have to look so surprised.”

“I’m – I’m sorry, I was just-”

“Shocked. I know,” she gives a small smile before turning serious once more. “I’m sorry for a lot of things, for treating you the way I did, for never respecting your relationship with Lauren. There aren’t enough apologies in the world for how cruel I’ve been to you and that’s something I will always regret – not realizing how happy you made Lauren.”

“Mrs. Jauregui, it’s okay. I-”

“No, let me continue, please,” she interrupts gently, and you never thought you’d see Clara with so much vulnerability. She’s a lot like Lauren. They exude confidence and power, but when they let their guard down, they let it all the way down, baring their souls openly and holding nothing back, their hearts on their sleeves for anyone who dares to pay attention.

“I never disapproved of you for Lauren because you’re a girl, or because you don’t run in the same circle as our family,” and almost as if she can tell you’re internally rolling your eyes, she adds, “Although if she had ended up with Luis, I admit it would’ve been most beneficial to both our companies,” and you can’t help but share a smile.

“I’m not new to the kind of love you girls have. The kind that’s overwhelming and all-encompassing and the kind that makes you feel like you can take on the world,” she continues softly, a hint of reminiscence in her voice. You have a feeling she’s not exactly talking about her husband. The very few times you’ve met Mike, he’d always seemed too serious, his mind always on their business empire and you don’t remember ever seeing him being very affectionate with either Lauren or Clara.

“I fell in love with a man in my early twenties. He was a musician. Ambitious. Charming. Rugged kind of handsome. You know the type that baits and breaks hearts. And we almost eloped,” she shakes her head at the idea, as if she still couldn’t believe she had been willing to do that at one point in her life. “I was ready to leave everything for him. My family. Our business,” she sighs out sadly. “Except when we were ready to run away together, I found myself sitting on some dock for hours through the night and morning, waiting for someone who I’d never see again.”

You watch her and there isn’t much pain or regret in her eyes, just understanding and growth. As if she’d come to terms a long time ago just how cruel the world can be. “I was heartbroken. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, wallowed in self-pity, and didn’t talk to anyone for a very long time.”

She looks up at you and you see that familiar mask of steel, like nothing can get to her unless she lets it. "Then I got back up and learned from my mistakes. I learned not to trust anyone and I convinced myself that love is nothing but weakness.”

“Mike was more or less an arranged marriage. We needed each other in a lot of ways and our businesses grew with one another’s help. I learned to love him eventually, but it was a love out of convenience.”

Her eyes turn gentle and her lips curve in a soft smile before she continues. “And I was so wrapped up in my pain and my past mistakes that I projected them onto Lauren.” There’s a barely-there crack in her voice, a rare sign of vulnerability as she swallows hard. “I was sure that Lauren didn’t know what she was getting into. I’d been there after all,” she says with a small chuckle. “It wasn’t until you were separated that I saw the difference. The light in her eyes, whenever she was with you, disappeared with her memory of you. And when she saw you again – it was like a switch. I got back my Lauren and it was all because of you and I’m so sorry, Camila,” she sobs out quietly.

You don’t realize you’re crying too until your vision clouds with tears and you reach out to hold her hand in comfort, which she accepts gratefully. “It’s okay,” you say sincerely.

“Please don’t give up on her,” she pleads and you can’t help but let her words sink deep into your chest. “I already told her my part in all of this but she’s being stubborn. She needs you so please, don’t let her stubbornness get to you.” You share a light laugh at that because you both know just how hardheaded Lauren can actually be.

–

You probably should’ve had some alcohol before you went through with this.

But you’ve never been a really good planner so much like the rest of your life, you’re winging this whole trying-to-get-Lauren-to-forgive-you-for-not-telling-her-you-were-once-in-love thing and are hoping for the best.

You don’t have a speech – well, not one that you think could really convince her well enough to take you back, much less forgive you for keeping from her one of the most important aspects of her past – that being, you. Truth be told, you don’t have much on your side but blind trust in what Lauren can remember of your past with her and Clara’s words of encouragement sitting in the back of your head, which, you’re still not completely sure actually happened.

It’s almost nine at night and you’re pacing the lobby of Jauregui Exports as you wait for Lauren to finally leave her office, which you’ve learned from her mother (yeah, you guys are like, best friends now) is where she’s cooped herself up in the last few days. You hope she’s had enough time to process the new things she’s found out and is willing to actually even talk to you.

You can’t help but be brought back to the many times you’ve had to do some grand gesture or wait for her after some event at odd hours of the night just to apologize – you tended to mess up a lot in your relationship, but through every single one, Lauren had always forgiven you – had always understood that behind every mistake you made was an underlying fear on your part that everything was too good to be true and you were always looking for something to go wrong because you had a hard time believing Lauren was actually real.

But through it all, she was nothing but patient and understanding and she worked with you slowly but surely, talking with you about your fears, reassuring you in whatever way she can – in the way she looked at you, the way she touched you, the way she became everything you needed – the way she simply loved you until you could do nothing but truly believe her. You made less and less mistakes over the years and you learned to trust her and her love for you and since then, you’ve been trying to show her that you love her just as much.

You don’t think you’ll ever catch up.

“Camila!” Your attention is brought back to the receptionist whisper-yelling your name and not so subtly using her head to point towards the elevator where Lauren has just come out. You look back at her in silent thanks and she gives you an enthusiastic two thumbs up in return.

You wait for Lauren to see you and when she finally does, you can see the surprise in her eyes and whatever little plan or disorganized speech you might have had flows out the window because she still steals your breath away just as easily as she always has.

“Camila,” she breathes out and the way her lips wrap around the letters of your name, the unmistakable tone of longing that laces her voice, it’s almost all too much for you and you’re reminded that Lauren will always have all of you – every single broken piece, rough edges and all, no matter if she remembers or not. “What are you doing here?”

You blink away the thoughts running in your head to focus on your mission and you abruptly bring the flowers you’ve been holding onto for four hours forward, counting it as a victory when she takes them, albeit carefully and with a subtle quirk of her eyebrow.

“Those are for you. You know, your favorite kind or –” you pause for a second and scrunch up your face when you realize she might not actually know. “Or they were your favorites before the whole – I mean, you probably forgot they were your favorite, just like you forgot about me,” you say with a nervous laugh. “It’s probably too soon for that joke but –”

“Camz,” she says with a small laugh and when you look like you’re about to pass out, she continues. “Mom has been helping me remember some stuff,” she explains. “But, slow down, you’re rambling.”

“Yeah okay, yeah.” You take a deep breath and do your best to meet her eyes, trying to convey as much sincerity as you can. You hope you can show her even a fraction of the love you have for her because you feel like your chest is overflowing with emotion you hardly know what to do with. “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing by not letting you know – I thought, what’s the harm, you know? You were already dealing with too many things and I didn’t want to add on to that. I realized that was stupid and mostly, cowardly. Truth is, I was terrified.”

You take a few moments to compose yourself because you can feel the tears building behind your eyelids and the strain in your voice from trying not to cry is getting to be too much. “How you made me feel has always been overwhelming. I’ve never really known how to deal with how unconditionally and how much you loved me and it took a long time for me to finally realize you were here to stay and I didn’t know if I could do it all over again without fearing that I could lose you in a blink of an eye. It’s terrifying to think that I have no real control over what could happen and so I chose the easier path.”

You take a few steps closer and keep her gaze as you continue. “If you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you that you’re worth all the fears I have to work through again. I’ll spend every waking moment trying to show you even a small portion of how you’ve always made me feel. Try to remind you why you loved me the first time around,” you say finally with a sad smile because you still don’t know the answer to that question.

She puts her bag and the flowers down on a nearby bench before coming back to stand in front of you and taking one of your hands gently in hers and looking up to meet your eyes. Her eyes are bright and full of emotion, the green in them having never looked more beautiful under the harsh fluorescent lights of the lobby as they do now, while they’re looking at yours as if you’re the only thing she’ll ever need.

“I was on my way to your place actually,” she says casually, smiling at the surprised look on your face. She runs a delicate finger along your wrist before using her other hand to take something from her jacket pocket.

It’s the bracelet.

The one you told her to keep until she gets back to you and you can’t help the tears from finally spilling out as you watch her loop it around your wrist before interlacing your fingers together and kissing your knuckles lightly, her eyes falling shut at the contact and you feel your universe slotting back into place, as if the world, which has been upside down since Lauren left you, is finally tilting back on its axis.

“I don’t remember too much,” she almost whispers when she meets your gaze again, her eyes vulnerable. “They’re more hazy than anything and they come in confusing bits and pieces with not a lot of details, but I do know one thing.”

You don’t realize you’re holding your breath until Lauren brings a hand to softly cradle your face, her thumb gently grazing along your jaw and you feel the tension leave your body. “I don’t think I could’ve stayed away from you even if I tried. And trust me, I tried.”

“There’s a chaos in my head – a sort of constant disconnect between reality, my dreams, and the memories that come back and I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t at times.” There’s a clear strain in her voice, like she’s being slowly torn apart by all the information that is always running through her ever-racing mind. “But when I’m with you, everything – all of it stops. You bring me a kind of peace of mind that helps me breathe. It reminds me that none of that ultimately matters. I want to be with you because even if my mind can’t remember, my heart knows to be in your hands.”

You can’t help but let out a watery laugh because you feel relief washing through your entire being. You can’t believe you get to have another chance with this amazing human being and you think that you’d go through the pain all over again if it meant still ending up with Lauren.

“You know, this is supposed to be my grand gesture to get you back right?” You tease her because leave it up to Lauren to still outdo you in being a hopeless romantic, amnesia and all. “And you go and bring out the bracelet.”

She lets out a laugh, the kind that makes you fall deeper. The kind that serves as a constant reminder that Lauren has pitched a tent in your heart and camped out in your chest for good, not once giving you a chance to ever truly move on.

“I said I’d always come back to you, didn’t I?”

You’re overwhelmed with everything you’re feeling and you can’t help but bring your hands up to gently cradle her face while she immediately leans into your touch before you push forward and connect your lips.

You’re reminded of what it’s like to be alive again.

Kissing Lauren is everything you remember and all that you’ve missed in the past two years. It’s electrifying and sends a jolt through your being that jump-starts your heart back to life, as if it wasn’t really beating before this moment.

It’s too much and not enough all at the same time. It’s soft and urgent, familiar yet new – as if you’re both re-discovering one another again and you can’t get enough. Your I love you spills into her mouth when she lets you in and you swallow the gasp that follows from you exploring her mouth. Your I miss you flows from the tip of your fingers as they curl around the back of her neck, bringing her impossibly closer, through her and into her heart where you reclaim your rightful place.

When you finally pull back just enough to rest your forehead against hers, you’re breathing heavily and your heart is beating wildly, but your chest feels the lightest it’s ever been.

–

It’s not easy.

Of course it isn’t. You’re trying to remind her of your past while she tries her best to remember, all while you’re both making new memories together.

You fight more often than you’d like, but you share the sentiment on never wanting to go to bed angry with one another so you resolve your problems one way or another.

You’re learning new things and re-learning old things – everything feels novel yet familiar and you wouldn’t rather have anyone else with you on this confusing journey.

You discover that even though Lauren’s mind can’t explicitly remember a lot of things, the rest of her doesn’t have as much of a hard time in getting re-acquainted with anything to do with you. She’ll often find herself knowing just where to find you when you’re in one of your moods where you hide out from the rest of the world.

She can still read you better than you can understand yourself. She still knows how to ease your worries, how to pull a smile out of you even in your worst moments. How to explore your body and just what to do with her tongue to make your back bow off the bed while her name falls from your lips amidst broken breaths and whispered curses. She still knows what makes you happy and how to keep the things that make you sad as far away as possible. She still pays attention like you’re the center of her universe and you’ve resigned to the fact that you’re never really going to fully understand what you did to receive such pure and unadulterated love.

She still knows how to love you just right and you hope you’re doing half a good job as she is and you figure you’re not doing too bad when she looks at you the way that she does.

So you argue and you fight. But you also forgive and make up. You push and you pull because she’s stubborn and you’ve always known just how to match that hardheadedness.

You know each other too well to hide anything from one another.

You’re still a master at wearing your heart on your sleeve and she’s still the only one that knows how to handle it with utmost care.

You won’t ever escape the fact that there are parts of your past that she’ll never remember – things that only you will know – and you find that you’re okay with that because you’ve got her heart as much as she has yours.

Because you know you have something that some people can only dream about and no matter what happens, you think you’re lucky you got a second chance at a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.

–

The End.

–

a/n:

im back! (for now) and barely alive bc my flight back home has been delayed over several days now, but it actually finally gave me the time to finish this so, silver lining and all that i guess

sorry for disappearing. been rly busy and still rly busy, but i am trying to write when i can

hold over my heart should be next, but whomst can rly tell [i have a one-shot i started on a whim, and i rly am a one-shot hoe at heart]

as always, i’d love to hear what y’all think

feel free to leave a vote/comment/feedback if ya feel like it!

hope y’all are doing well

-madds (wattpad/ao3: jaureguicabello5eva)

#UPDATE #series #AU #slash #trigger warning #camren #angst drama #humour #romance fluff #submission #things only you know

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cryotael · 7 years ago

Text

Illness and Aftermath

Another sincerely three fic from me?? Well, this time it wasn't just myself.

The awesome @elsiemcclay and I wrote this beautiful fic together starting yesterday!! And uh sick connor is gr8

Warnings: Vomiting, and mentioned suicide attempt

Connor felt a heavy weight on his body the instant he woke up. He pulled himself out of bed and slowly pulled on articles of clothing--a pair of skinny jeans and a black shirt covered by his grey jacket. He dragged his feet as he made his way out to the kitchen. Connor took a seat in his normal chair at the table before he rested his head on the table his hair basically going everywhere which earned a tsk from his father,

“Connor, don’t do that. You’re getting your hair on everyone's food,” Zoe grumbled.

“No I’m fucking not,” The tired teen responded before he lifted his head, which felt like a million pounds and made direct eye contact with his father. “And what’s your problem?”

“Don’t start with me.” Connor glared at him, barely processing the condescending demand through his headache. He dropped his head back onto the table, too nauseated by even the thought of food, so eating was definitely not an option if he wanted to take up his daily opportunity of getting out of this dreary little house that he hated so much, which is also called school. Yeah, it’s not much better than staying here, but that’s where Evan and Jared were.

Connor sighed as he heaved himself out of the chair. He mentally made the decision that the best thing he could do himself was get out of this house. Sure, before he met Evan and Jared he would've found himself a way to stay home but ever since he met those boys, he gained a want to go to school because when he went, he got to see their two beautiful (plus Jared’s chubby cheeks were too cute to pass on when he smiled) faces.

“You didn’t eat,” Connor heard his mother point out.

“You didn’t care until after I got out of the hospital.” Connor felt a pang of guilt when a troubled look came over his mother’s face and a tense silence fell over the table, but he played it off and grabbed his bag from its heap near the door. “Bye.” He winced as the door slammed shut behind him, the sound making his head hurt even more, which he didn’t think possible until then.

Connor heavily sighed and looked down the street. It was freezing outside and frost was covering the grass. He took his first step and quickly felt as though he was a young deer as his feet went out from under him, and he fell to the ground. He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. The ground was much more cold than just standing, though he was sweating from the intense feeling of nausea. He swallowed saliva and tried to regulate his breathing, though he gagged and lost a little stomach acid. He groaned and looked towards the front door where he heard his little sister scoff at him.

She sped off towards school, leaving Connor to pull himself up off the ground, soaked and shivering. The moment he stepped into the school, he was hit with an overwhelming wall of noise that made him dizzy and his head pound harder. It felt like someone was standing in the inside of his head and banging a huge hammer against the side of his skull. It was terrible.

Connor glanced around, trying to find either his loud and obnoxious boyfriend or the quiet (and generally much more respectful) boyfriend, though upon first glance he didn't notice either of them until he heard a gentle voice behind him,

“He-hey, Connor, I, uh, I brought you a donut from the cafeteria, and I would-would've had another if someone didn't decide the entire box I bought belonged to him,”

“Hey! I was hungry,” Connor turned his head too quickly, and the world in front of him spun before doubling. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fine,” Connor gritted out, but Evan didn’t look satisfied by his answer. Of course he wouldn’t be--Connor wouldn’t expect anything less from him. Thing is, Jared looked worried, too, and Jared isn’t one to be worried, especially about things like this. That’s Evan’s job.

“Dude, you look like you're going to pass out,” Connor heard Jared say then he heard another statement from the boy this one sounded much more far away. It felt like the voice echoed around his head like it was an empty cave. “You look like you're going to puke,”

Once Connor heard the word puke, he felt his stomach cramp and he wrapped his arms around his abdomen.

“I’m fine, i just,” He gagged then quickly brought a fist up to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut,”I decided to s-stop smoking or whatever,”He lied,

“Bull crap.”

“Oh, go away, Zoe. Like you care,” Connor spat.

“I saw you with a cigarette last night and you smell like weed. Plus, I like Evan, and he’s very clearly worried, so yeah. I care. I care about your boyfriend’s well-being.” She glared at Connor, and Evan looked like he wants to speak up, but he backed away.

“Wait you don’t like me?” Connor heard Jared squawk with a high pitched voice which earned Jared an annoyed laugh from Zoe.

“No, you're the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met and I hate the fact you're dating Evan or my brother,”

“What did I do to you?” Jared whined and Zoe scoffed.

“What have you not done to me? I swear to god, we’ve been partnered for like three projects and you did none of them,”

“I added memes,” he muttered, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Memes make us fail, Kleinman.”

“W-wait, just shut up,” Evan inserted, waving Zoe off when she gaped at him. Connor held his hand over his mouth, closing his eyes tightly. Suddenly, he pitched forward, gagging heavily behind his hand. Bile spilled between the gaps of his fingers and splattered onto the floor. Jared froze behind Evan, and Zoe’s gaping was directed more toward Connor than Evan. “Get Jared out of here. P-please.” Zoe nodded, and she pulled a very shell-shocked Jared away as Connor continued to gag and bring up the little that he had eaten in the past 24 hours.

“Freak!” Someone laughed and pointed at him, and most of the people in the hall laughed with them.

Connor stayed in his spot, his stomach spasming. Soon, he felt a gentle hand against his back, but he pulled away from the hand. He felt gross. Why would he want someone touching his warm back? He blinked away the tears as he heard students in the hall continue to laugh, or whisper to one another. Then he began to stumble down the hall. His body felt a hundred times more heavy at this point, but he couldn't allow himself to just stand and get laughed at. Connor made his way into the nearest bathroom and into a stall, where he suddenly heard more laughter erupt from outside the bathroom and a distant voice shout, “I knew that both Murphy’s were girls!”, which caused another wave of laughter to run throughout the hall.

Connor ignored them. Well, he ignored the people in the hall and the screams that erupted when he got the entire way into the bathroom.

“If you don’t leave, I’ll puke on your shoes,” he threatened weakly. All the girls ran past him, avoiding his hand that was dripping with vomit.

With the group of girls out of the way, Connor was able to make his way into the nearest stall, where he allowed himself to fall to his knees, which stung like hell. He then moved and draped himself over the toilet and coughed before dry heaving over the toilet.

“We need the nurse,” He heard the voice of his sister say from right outside the stall he was kneeling in.

“Where’s Jared?” Evan asked.

“He’s in the nurse’s office drinking some juice or some shit, probably.”

Evan sighed and nodded then he glanced at Zoe.

”What helps Connor feel better?”

Zoe shrugged, looking lost. She never really paid all that much attention to Connor when he was sick and his parents didn’t either. Well, his mom freaked out if he so much as coughed, even though that’s not a symptom of depression. After he got out of the hospital and started therapy, she started fretting over the two of them more.

“You don’t know what helps him?” Evan asked slowly which just earned another shrug from Zoe.

“Our parents never really cared when he was sick, since he fakes it like all of the time and he hated me before..his attempt,” Zoe sighed and Evan looked away.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no whatever it's fine.” She looked at the door then spoke softly,”You go rub his back or whatever, I’ll find a trashcan so we--”

“He didn’t want me to touch him earlier,” Evan sighed then looked down interlocking his fingers,”Just uh, i guess get the nurse and bring her here, so she can uh..take his temperature,” Evan said slowly before Zoe turned and made her way out of the room, Evan then turned and he slowly opened the stall door to see the sight of Connor hunched over the bowl doing a painful sounding dry heave. “Sh, sh. It’ll be okay,” Evan reassured when Zoe leaves.

Connor groaned miserably, otherwise not responding. His back shuddered under Evan’s softest touch as his body forced up a thin stream of bile and spit. He drooled and rested his head against the cool (disgusting) porcelain of the toilet.

“It’ll all be okay,” He heard Evan’s very soft voice. ”Zoe should be coming back with the nurse soon. Maybe they’ll bring some water,” Evan whispered to Connor and Connor just nodded in response,

“I brought the nurse and a wheelchair!” Zoe exclaimed as she returned into the room,

“Zoe is not going to fucking push me in that,” Connor then gagged covering his mouth with his hand once again,”A-and i'm not even going to ride in that stupid thing. I’m not dying.”

In reality, Connor was freaking out. He’d been pushed around when he was recovering. He’d been so weak for so long because of all the blood he lost. It was unenjoyable and degrading in his mind. He felt like the universe was making him relive all the regret he’d felt in the hospital, all the pain he knew he’d caused. He really did not want that.

“Th-that might not be the best idea,” Evan muttered, somehow knowing exactly what Connor was thinking.

“He needs to get in the nurse’s office one way or another,” Zoe mumbled and crossed her arms, and the nurse nodded in response,”It’ll be best to get him to a bed quickly, we can’t risk him passing out,”

“I-uh, I c-can carry him!” Evan exclaimed, as he moved into the stall and the nurse shook her head and gave evan a stern look,

“He needs to be transported properly.”

“But I--”

“Evan,” Zoe cut in, ”I love you, but seriously, stop letting Connor have his way and lets get him into the wheelchair.”

“I can walk,” Connor mumbled before grabbing the toilet paper container and pulling himself up to be standing. He took one step before stumbling and having to be caught by Zoe, who then guided him and made him sit in the wheelchair. Connor felt a sense of panic run through him but he was so weak from sickness he couldn't muster up the energy to to stand up so he silently sat as tears welled up in his eyes.

Before he knew it, Evan’s hands were on his face, one on each cheek. He rubbed the tears away, smiling steadily.

“I know it’s scary to be back in that place, but you’re getting better. It’s okay, Con.” Connor nodded, but he held onto Evan’s wrists so he couldn’t move his hands. He nodded again like he was trying to reassure himself. Then, he let go and allowed himself to be wheeled to the office.

Connor glanced around the office once he’s finally in there then looked at his lap quietly.

“Would you like to change into a pair of sweatpants?” The nurse asked, but Connor just shook his head in response, not wanting to get up. Evan walked over and gently helped him to a bed and to lay down.

“See, it’ll a-all be okay, alright Connor?” Evan told his sick boyfriend gently before the nurse brought over a bucket and set it next to Connor's bed.

“Would you like some crackers, Mr.Murphy?” Connor shook his head in response then the nurse sighed. ”Water?” Before Connor could respond Evan responded for him.

“I think he needs some water p-please, ma’am.”

“I’m perfectly capable--” Connor turned abruptly to gag, but Evan moved quickly enough to shove a trashcan under his chin before he could get vomit all over the office.

“I know you’re capable, b-but I wanna help you s-so just let me help you, okay?”

Connor groaned before he moved to lay down, but Evan moved and stopped him,”P-please let me tie your hair back. You keep getting puke in it,” he whispered then moved and slowly pulled Connor’s hair back into a messy bun. Connor groaned when he felt Evan unsticking hair from his sweaty face but at the same time it was a nice feeling for his hair to not be sticking to the back of his neck.

“See, isn’t that better?” Evan asked gently. Connor just nodded in response as the nurse returned with a water bottle,

“I would advise you two do not share this,” she told the boys before setting it down.

“We weren’t planning on it,” Connor bit out. The nurse rolled her eyes and walked off to sign Connor out of school. He clutched his head before weakly struggling to open the water bottle. Evan pulled it out of his hands and opened it for him, holding it to Connor’s mouth. Connor sips from it, too tired to be completely embarrassed. He really just wanted to go home and sleep for the next three years.

The nurse glanced over the ill boy before she told him she’d be calling his parents.

“Call my mom,” Connor said. ”Don’t call my dad he wouldn’t give two shits.”

“Language, Mr.Murphy,” Connor just rolled his eyes before he slowly lifted a hand and pushed the water bottle away from his mouth, not wanting to consume any more.

“Can we, like, call or text Jared?” Connor then asked. ”I’m worried about the fucktard.”

This time, the nurse didn’t say anything. She rolled her eyes at him and walked away, probably to call his mom. When she came back, the nurse had a frown on her face.

“Your mother didn’t answer, so I left a message, but I don’t think she’ll be in to get you. Is there anyone else we can call?” Connor shook his head, but Evan stepped in.

“He can come home with me, i-if that’s okay?”

The nurse looked at Evan in thought before she slowly nodded and asked,”Name?”

“Evan Hansen,” Evan replied, and she walked back to the front of her office where she proceeded to call Evans mom instead.

“My mom might be busy, b-but at least she could check us out.”

Connor was just glad he didn’t have to go to his own house and deal with his mom.

#sick connor murphy #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen sickfic #connor murphy #evan hansen #jared kleinman #sincerely three #elsie and rae do things

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