#i used to go by Angel online back in like elementary/middle school. the world has come full circle

[de1-os]

Considering I'm kinda changing my name to Angelo I wonder if I should change the name of my oc Angelo lol....

To be fair I'm still going by Keni. But like. I would like to avoid confusion bc Angelo (the character) is not like. A self insert oc.

[waithyuck]

smile

***part of the nct almost collab by @hyucksie***

pairing: zhong chenle x reader (f)

genre: ANGST, a single grain of fluff

word count: 7k

warnings: swearing, depictions of depression, overall sadness, frustration/anger, the reader is sort of obsessed with chenle, heartbreak, descriptions of a panic attack + anxiety, chenle becomes an ass :/, forced kissing, hyuck is a good friend :)

a/n: my piece for the ALMOST collab! I hope you all enjoy this mess of feelings 🥴 idk if this is actually good or not but I think I’m happy with the way it turned out ??? idk anyway enjoy lmao

———

Ever since you could remember, you’ve had a crush on Chenle.

Literally ever since you could remember, considering he’s been in your life since you were five years old.

Classic boy next door trope, you could say.

You attended the same school and even shared classes together throughout your elementary and middle school years. High school obviously had a lot more freedom, giving you the opportunity to pick and choose classes that suited your interests. naturally, that pulled the two of you apart in a certain sense.

You could recall one instance in the very beginning of your freshman year where you caught Chenle and some random girl kissing behind the bleachers. It tore you apart inside, so young a fragile at the time, but you threw on a smile like you always tended to do, and let out a quick and airy apology before running off into the safety of Donghyuck’s arms.

Nonetheless, you and Chenle were pretty damn close; kind of like those best friends you see in books or stories...except that in fiction they usually end up together, and you and Chenle, well...haven’t yet.

You still had hope though, that maybe he felt the same way you did for him. You held onto that hope and cherished it, considering it was the only reason you could get up and face the world on most days.

Yeah, you knew it was pathetic. at least you could acknowledge the fact that relying on feelings from a boy you liked was incredibly stupid, but hey, you had the brain of a senior in high school.

Anyway, you and Chenle were very friendly toward each other, and of course you would talk to each other out your individual windows sometimes late at night, but it wasn’t like those stories people read online. You were simply really good friends; nothing like brother and sister, but certainly not anything more than just friends.

You’d say you probably know more about Chenle than most; besides your shared friends Donghyuck (who was already in university, and your closest friend next to Chenle) and Jisung (who was just a tad bit younger and too shy to really hold a conversation with you). You paid close attention to him because, well, who doesn’t want to know everything about the person they’re crushing on?

Even so, it was definitely a given that Chenle was extremely passionate about his schoolwork and his future career. This kid wanted to be the ‘best lawyer the world has ever seen’, according to himself. You were always supportive of him, egging him on when the workload got to him and assuring him that everything would be okay in the end, even when he was exhausted from all his extracurricular activities and volunteering. Chenle seriously seemed like he would work himself to death.

You never really fully processed what him being passionate about his future would mean for you, and how it would affect your relationship and friendship with him. You didn’t even know that he applied to universities at all (since he didn’t tell you and you were kind of oblivious, to be honest), let alone which ones he strived for.

Fast forward to the present, it was currently the middle of November and school was going full swing, your senior year of high school passing by like a breeze. You were currently hanging out with Donghyuck, who was in town for the weekend from his university in the next city over. It was always nice to see him, his presence always putting a smile on your face.

You both sat at a window seat in the middle of a fairly busy restaurant, joking with each other and picking at your food lightly as you conversed. It grew silent for a moment, your chuckles dying down from some stupid attempt at a joke by Hyuck, before he broke it.

“Did you hear that Chenle got into Harvard?” Donghyuck absentmindedly spoke quietly, picking at the salad seated in front of him on the restaurant table. “Full fucking ride.” He didn’t even look up to meet your now bulging eyes.

Your blood ran ice cold as your heart began to seemingly stop beating, freezing just like your veins.

“He what?” you practically screeched, causing the boy across from you to jump slightly.

Hyuck looked at you then, his cheeks filled with food as he grasped his chest dramatically.

“Uh yeah?” he replied like it was obvious. “He’s really passionate about his career choice, you know.”

“Of course I know!” you shrieked at him, your hands going up to pull at your hair exasperatedly. You chewed your lip, your heart pounding and squeezing in your chest at the notion of Chenle’s inevitable departure from your life. “What, you think I wouldn’t know that the boy I’ve known since I was a LITERAL CHILD, isn’t passionate about his future?!”

Donghyuck was now looking around the both of you, taking notice of the strangers who were now staring at your visibly panicked form.

“Y/N, calm down, please–“

“I’m calm! I’m perfectly fine! ahah,” you chewed on your nails frantically as you tried to quiet your mouth and your mind, your leg shaking nonstop under the table, causing the silverware to shake.

You distracted yourself by looking out the window to your immediate left, trying to watch the people walk by like it was some sort of therapy for your bustling thoughts.

“Why didn’t he tell us he was applying to–“ you cut yourself off quietly, stopping your question short. ”...How does he know already?” you asked, your voice small.

“Early action or some shit, I guess.”

It was quiet for a few minutes between you both; Hyuck continued to munch on his salad and you could feel his eye warily watching you as you chewed your nails to nubs.

“...Are you okay?” he finally questioned, his voice comforting as he pulled you from out of your own head.

“Just,” you bit your lip, your eyes spaced out as you stared down at the floor. “Why couldn’t he have picked a school around here?” Your voice was small and quiet, and you could hear the boy across from you sigh. “Why couldn’t he just do that, like you?”

He didn’t really say anything then, picking up the fact that those were most definitely rhetorical questions. You didn’t touch any more of your food, your stomach tied up in knots, making you feel sick.

“Y/N...”

You didn’t look at him, your face hot with embarrassment from how much pain your heart was actually feeling at the news that Chenle, the boy you have loved for years, would be leaving you.

“He’s really excited about this...you…” he trailed off, trying to pick his next words carefully. “You need to show him some support, even though I know it hurts you.”

You knew that deep down, Hyuck was absolutely right. What kind of friend would you be if you were selfish and kept yourself wrapped up in your own feelings? You sniffled and picked your head back up, finally looking at him.

“You’re right. you are absolutely right.” you finally breathed out, trying to slowly calm your aching anxiety. “Just like always, Hyuck.” You cracked a slight smile then, and he returned it, seeming relieved that you snapped out of your panic, even if it was just a little bit.

“At least you can acknowledge it, angel.” He sent you a wink along with the pet name, and you jokingly gagged, which caused the both of you to laugh.

With the mood seemingly lifted, you were able to enjoy the rest of your time with Donghyuck, even if the anxiety of Chenle leaving was still a heavy presence in the back of your reeling mind.

——

That same night, you laid yourself across your pillows and stared up at the ceiling, not even bothering to change out of your slightly uncomfortable jeans. The lights were on and all was quiet as you laid trapped in your own thoughts, the inevitable scene of your crush of many, many years leaving replaying on loop inside your head.

You tried to distract yourself by working on some miscellaneous homework assignments, trying to get your work done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

You were just getting in the flow of writing a rough draft for an essay when you heard your mother yell up the steps at you.

“Y/N!” she called, startling you. when you replied with a ‘Yeah?’ she continued, “Chenle is here, I’m sending him up!”

Your heart jumped and you quickly shot up from your bed, trying to get rid of any clothes strewn around your floor to at least make your room somewhat presentable. As you slammed the hamper lid shut, you heard a small knock on the door before Chenle let himself in, already beaming at you.

“Y/N, I have some awesome news!” he immediately spoke, shutting the door behind him. You will yourself not to let your heart sink, already knowing what he wanted to share with you he reached behind him to grab his book bag, and once it was in his grasp he set it on the floor, taking a seat beside you on your bed.

You tried not to let your heart race as his shoulder brushed against yours, and you tried to convert up your nerves by giving him a smile in return. Chenle rummaged through his back before angrily grunting, turning to face you.

“I left something at home that I wanted to show you, shit,” he murmured, his hand coming up to swipe over his face. “I can go grab it real quick–“

“Let’s just go to your room, it’s literally right across. We can climb,” you suggested, wanting to escape the suffocating warmth of your own bedroom. Plus, you were always more comfortable sitting on his mattress anyway. “It’ll be fun, like when we were younger.”

You two both grinned at each other then, Chenle nodding his head in compliance as you both stood, preparing yourselves for the leap out of your bedroom window.

You didn’t bother with a jacket; you were only going to be out in the cold for about five minutes tops, anyway. You allowed him to go first, his body jumping out and landing on the roof of your shed with ease. You quickly followed suit, landing a little rough but still in one piece, nonetheless.

He generously offered to prop you up first so you could skillfully open his window from the outside, which you gladly accepted with a smirk on your lips.

“You’re the best at it.” he replied, slightly whining at your smug reaction. “Always have been. For some reason I can never get it open!!”

You ignored him after that, focusing on keeping your balance on his shoulders while you lifted the window open, pulling yourself up on the sill and throwing yourself inside with a dull thud. You heard the scrapings of Chenle making his way up the side of his house, and he toppled in not long after you.

“I’m definitely never doing that again,” he panted, laying flat on his back on the floor for a few moments. You stared back at him from his bed, giggling at his heavily rising and falling chest. “Maybe not never...but not again anytime soon, that’s for sure.”

He managed to pull himself up from the carpet, dusting off his pants and shrugging off his coat before joining you on the bed. He pulled a piece of paper from his nightstand, and your heart began to pound with untamed anxiety.

“This,” he started, his eyes sparkling as he looked at the piece of paper before looking back at you. “is my acceptance letter to Harvard. I got in, Y/N!!!”

Chenle was so excited, and you couldn’t help but swoon at the absolute elation in his eyes as he went on about what he was accepted for and even what the letter said.

You, of course, didn’t tell him that you already knew, courtesy of Donghyuck. If you would have known that Chenle applied to Harvard, you would have had no doubts from the very beginning that he would get in.

Maybe he didn’t tell anyone just in case he wasn’t accepted, and if no one knew then there would be no one to disappoint.

You knew that no matter what, you could never ever be disappointed in Chenle. He was too smart and too good to ever be thought of in that way.

All you could do was smile and smile some more as he went on, barely breathing before he finally took a short pause. His eyes fell down to look at his denim covered legs, and he bit his lip as you watched him in the sudden quiet of his room.

It didn’t last very long, and he took a deep breath before breaking the short silence.

“They want me to fly out there as soon as possible,” he finally spoke, looking up at you from where his gaze was previously on his lap. “I talked to our school, and they’re willing to let me graduate early. I have all my credits, which is really cool.”

Chenle seemed excited, but he spoke softly, as if he knew how hard this news was for you to hear. You surprised yourself at how composed you were acting, despite the jabbing pain you felt in your heart with every word that passed through his lips.

“That’s great,” you commented, a tight smile lining your face, your voice so close to breaking. “When do you leave?”

A question you didn’t really want the answer to. You didn’t want him to leave at all, and gaining the knowledge of a deadline wouldn’t ease your aching heart any.

He shuffled on the bed, pulling his legs up to sit fully on the mattress facing you. He clasped his hands together and sighed, his bleached blonde hair falling into his eyes.

“The end of December, right before new years,” he chewed on the inside of his cheek, his eyes trying to gauge your reaction, even though you weren’t really giving him anything to work with.

That was really soon…

“Wait, but that’s before our semester ends—“

“I know.” he cut you off, smiling brightly. “Like I said, the school is alright with this all happening. They’re really happy for me.”

You sighed, nodding in understanding. It was silent for a moment once more between the two of you; only the sounds of distant cars driving down the otherwise quiet street could be heard for a few moments.

“I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you too, Chenle.” you softly spoke, your hand reaching out to boldly cover his own sitting on the bed in front of you. He stared down at your now touching fingers, but didn’t move to pull away from your warmth.

“Thank you,” he smiled, surprising you by taking your hand in his own and squeezing it, taking your contact with each other a step further. “It means a lot coming from you.”

“Does my approval matter to you?” you questioned, not able to keep it from slipping past your lips. His eyebrows quirked up and he tilted his head a little, looking away briefly before making eye contact once again.

“Yeah, I guess it does.” he replied. “I never really thought about it before, but now that you brought it up...it really does, so thank you.”

You stared at each other then, your lips parted and dry, your brain not sure what to say to him in response. Your heart was hammering in your chest and your ears were consumed with the rhythmic beating and blood rushing happening within your own body.

His brown eyes and dyed blonde hair captivated you and your tongue felt like sandpaper inside your mouth. he looked like he was fighting with himself in a way; restricting his body from moving closer to your own as you sat there in the silence of his room. Your body seemed to mechanically move on its own as it scooted closer to him, your fingers tightening around his as you situated yourself against his body, your face now just next to his. His eyes flicked down to your lips before moving back to your wide eyes, and you felt your stomach jump in anticipation.

Before either of you could do anything, a loud bang came from outside of his bedroom door, followed by a yell from his mother.

You sprung away from each other and you immediately shot up from his bed, already sprinting to his open window from which you came in from. Chenle stood as well, looking between you and the locked door that held his mother back.

“I’ll see you at school.” you hurriedly whispered, taking one more glance at his red cheeks before leaping out the window and down onto the grass below.

You climbed your way up to your own open bedroom window, using the shed and throwing yourself inside quickly before shutting it and closing the curtains. Once you were sure everything was locked and the lights were all off, you slammed yourself down onto your mattress, shoved your face into your pillows, and screamed.

——

“Can we go for a walk around the neighborhood? I want to see all the Christmas lights before people start taking them down.” Chenle spoke through the speaker on your phone, his face not in view on the screen as you FaceTimed each other. You heard shuffling on his end as you focused your attention on your laptop screen, mindlessly shopping online for random things to keep your mind off of the fact that Chenle was leaving in just three days.

The few weeks you had with him passed by like a blur, and you both tried to spend as much time together as possible. Between having to spend time with your family and other friends, it wasn’t as much as you would have liked it to have been.

“Yeah, sure.” you mumbled, closing the laptop on your bed with a soft clack. “Meet you outside in fifteen?”

“Make it ten.” he replied with a smile in his voice, before hanging up.

You sighed heavily before putting your coat on, bundling yourself up for the bite of the cold outside. It was bitterly freezing, and you knew without your whole winter ensemble that you wouldn’t be able to feel your fingers within two seconds flat of being out there.

Fumbling with the buttons and zipper on your coat, you managed to make it outside in seven minutes even, meeting him on the sidewalk just down your driveway.

“Wow, not late for once.” he commented, nudging your shoulder as the two of your began to walk in sync down your brightly lit street.

“Knock it off, I can be on time when I try hard enough.” You rolled your eyes playfully at him, a hint of a smile gracing your lips as you began to take in the beautiful lights around you.

Christmas truly was a beautiful time of year; not just for the holiday itself, because not everyone celebrated it obviously, but for the decorations and the sense of home and warmth.

Chenle and yourself both kept relatively quiet as you walked on, only making noise when you wanted to get each other’s attention to point out certain decorations on some houses. It was rather peaceful, and your heart was swelling with warmth in adoration as you looked to admire his face, which was illuminated by the colorful Christmas lights surrounding you.

Your stomach jolted slightly. This may be the last time you see him for a while. You didn’t mean for the intrusive thought of his absence to wiggle its way into your mind, but it was too late to fight it off.

‘I should just confess’, you thought, now nervously picking at your nails, and chewing your lip to bits. ‘There may not be another chance like this, not for a while.’

It was selfish...but it was now or never.

Too shy to actually confess your feelings first—and thinking back to certain moments that you’ve shared with Chenle to come to this conclusion—you decided to take a different approach.

Get him to confess first.

“I need to ask you something,” you blurted out, your brain scolding your mouth silently for being so goddamn reckless in a moment of weakness.

Maybe this was a bad idea...

Chenle quirked his eyebrow up at you before stopping, turning to face you entirely.

“What’s up?” he replied, his hands stuffed deeply in his pockets in a desperate attempt to keep them warm. His nose was red from the chill in the air and his lips were the same shade from him biting them, the sheen of his chapstick almost completely gone now. His eyes were glassy from the wind blowing and even though his cheeks were blotched in crimson, you thought this was the most beautiful he had ever looked.

You couldn’t do this. Fuck, you really couldn’t do this. Why did you have to open your big, stupid mouth—

“Hey Y/N? Are you in there?” he suddenly broke you from your own thoughts, causing you to jump a little in your boots. “What did you wanna ask me?”

“Uh,” Quick, think of something dumb! “You know, why is perfume so damn expensive?”

You wanted to throw yourself into a frozen lake at this point, as you watched his brow furrow in confusion.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” he bit his lip for about the hundredth time since you started your walk. “Ingredients maybe? Higher end perfumes probably have stuff in them that are more hard to come by, so that’s probably wh—“

“Do you like me?” you interrupted him loudly, squeezing your eyes shut as you practically belted out your original question.

He seemingly froze in front of you, and definitely not from the cold air whipping around your bodies as the wind harshly blew.

“Do I...like you.” he repeated back, formed as a statement more than a question. “Like...as in romantically?”

You didn’t even have to nod for him to know what you meant; the look in your eyes told him enough. The pleading, glassy look as hope swirled beneath your irises, just absolutely begging him to say that yes, he did like you in the way that you liked him.

“Yes,” you confirmed audibly anyway, heat flickering throughout your entire face. “You know, b-because I think before we almost kissed in your room that one time not too long ago, and we’ve been more touchy lately—“ you would have continued on your panicked rambling if he hadn’t cut you off, beginning to speak solemnly.

“Y/N...I..” he started, shaking his head as he tried to get his thoughts straight. “I do. I really do,” your heart jumped at his confession, and you allowed it to spread in your body like wildfire. It didn’t get very far, because he continued to speak. “but I...I can’t.”

You visibly deflated; your heart shattered like glass and everything colorful around you seemed to fade into a greyscale, the holiday lights surrounding the two of you no longer sparking any kind of joy. “This scholarship...my future...it’s important to me. I can’t let anything stop me, I’m so sorry…”

“Chenle...” you whimpered, stepping closer to him boldly, unsure of how to properly express your feelings to him at this point. You dared to breach his personal space, and he watched your every move with those same, glossy brown eyes that you adored every day for so many years.

You tilted your head, your lips ghosting over his own as he let out shaky breaths, yours matching his as you stood together in the cold.

His lips were right there. unmoving, as he didn’t pull away from you. If your leaned forward just a little more...almost….almostalmostalmost—so close—

“Y/N, stop.” he suddenly muttered, pulling you out of your trance. His head drew back as he stepped away, still in your reach but far enough to where your lips weren’t brushing against each other’s anymore.

You gritted your teeth at the rejected feeling that bubbles up inside you, the tears welling your eyes before spilling hotly down your frozen cheeks.

“I love you, Chenle.” you cried, gripping the rough material of his jean jacket. The darkness of the night could have hidden your tears if it weren’t for the moonlight blaring down on the two of you like a spotlight. “Please, I love you.”

He looked like he was trying to hold himself together, his lips set in a straight line as he looked away from you, his hands hovering over your wrists. Chenle gripped them suddenly, not hard, but with enough force to get you to pay attention.

“I love you too, Y/N.” he finally admitted, his voice quiet as he tried to restrain his emotions. “But I can’t pass this up. I just can’t.”

You should have forced yourself to understand. This was his life, for fucks sake. You shouldn’t have let yourself feel selfish, thinking that he would drop everything to stay here. With you.

“We can’t be together. I’m sorry.” he finished with that, slowly dropping your wrists from his hold. “If I…” he swallowed thickly. “If I let you kiss me, I know I wouldn’t be able to leave. I know it.”

He took in your figure at last, watching as your tears fell freely from your eyes in hot rivers down your already stained cheeks.

“Look, maybe someday this would work...but just, not now.” he sounded exasperated, running a hand through his hair. “Your life is here, and my life will be starting there. I’ll be busy constantly and it just...won’t be fair. It really won’t, you have to understand, Y/N.”

He watched as your hands shook when you lifted them to wipe your face, solemnly nodding in acknowledgement to his words.

“Okay.” you croaked, not meeting his eyes as you turned to walk away, leaving him in the middle of the park you used to play at when you were kids.

You weren’t going to put up a fight. You weren’t going to plead with him anymore. You were going to try your absolute hardest to stop yourself from being selfish in that way.

You were just going to have to live with that fact that you couldn’t have him right now. That you almost could have had him.

Almost.

——

Chenle faded out of your life like he wasn’t even present in the first place. You barely heard from him after he left; there would be miscellaneous texts here and there but overall, he was right in the end. He was really always busy.

His school workload was heavy, and you were aware of that, but a selfish part of you always seemed to get angry at him for not responding to you.

The worst part was not knowing whether he wanted to reach out to you at all.

He didn’t come home during summer break, which broke your heart a little bit. Donghyuck tried his best to be there for you as you went through the motions; you were constantly miserable at the reality that you most likely would never call Chenle your own.

Chenle didn’t keep in contact much with Hyuck or Jisung either, seemingly leaving you all in the dust as he went about his new life away from you. His parents talked to him all the time obviously, and your own mother would dawdle on about something that Chenle achieved at school to you, but you’ve come to pretty much ignore everything that had to do with him.

You went about getting your own education, passing your classes by the skin of your teeth during the first semester and then producing the same results during the semester after that.

You really couldn’t blame yourself for feeling so utterly heartbroken; you were in love with that boy for most of your life, and for him to suddenly rip himself away from you like that was wholeheartedly agonizing.

Chenle rarely ever came home; he did briefly for Christmas, but then hurriedly left immediately after, not even staying for the full duration of his break.

You actually ran into him by accident one day while he was still home, but you didn’t stay in his presence very long before wanting to go to the safety of your bedroom and cry.

“Did you even miss me?” you whimpered out, exhausted after your small talk had turned into a bit of an argument. He sighed heavily, frustrated no doubt. you could hear it in his voice as he spoke to you.

“What do you want me say, Y/N?” he countered, scoffing at you as you held back the pain you felt burning behind your eyes, desperate to cry. “I haven’t even had the time to miss anyone, let alone you.”

You stood in silence for a moment, baffled at his dismissive attitude of it all. It’s like he didn’t even remember that he told you he liked you too all those months ago.

“You...” your voice cracked a little, and you looked away from him. “Did you even try, Chenle? Did you even try to find the time to talk to me?”

He didn’t say anything back, only staring at you before tearing his eyes away, his jaw locked. You felt as if you already knew the answer.

You turned to leave, but felt his hand immediately circle around your arm, roughly pulling you back to face him. Taking one look at his face, you knew he was angry.

“Do you know how much it hurt, Y/N?” he barked out, making you flinch back slightly. “Do you know how much it hurt to leave you? I–“ he cut himself off as his voice cracked, turning his head away and swallowing heavily before continuing. “I wanted to, so bad Y/N. You have no idea.”

Your lips parted in shock, and you had a million things you wanted to say, but you managed to keep it all inside as he went on.

“But I had to control myself. I already came to terms with the fact that this,” he gestured between the two of you, “wasn't going to ever work out. I figured that out a long time ago... I had to distance myself from you, I’m sorry.”

You really didn’t want to accept that apology. You really really didn’t. Your anger was swirling inside you, a typhoon of emotions building and building as you stared back into his now cold brown eyes. To you, they used to be so full of warmth and friendliness, and now they looked distant and unentertained, like he didn’t want to be here in the first place.

That hurt like a bitch.

You scoffed at him, making his eyebrows raise in confusion before they furrowed, his eyes narrowed at you.

Yeah, you were probably being a bitch for not accepting his apology, and all of this was turning out to be super petty, but you felt like he deserved it just a little bit.

Deep down you knew he had a point; his reasoning was valid and it all made sense, but when did having feelings for someone like you had for him ever lead to rational decision making?

“You know, Chenle,” you started, shoving your hands in your pockets roughly to shield them from the cold. “I really thought that we could still be friends after all the bullshit, I really did.” He watched you carefully as you practically spat forth those words, venom dripping in your tone. “But then you went and messed it all up.”

You probably shouldn’t have added that last part; playing the blame game never worked in anyone’s favor in the end, but your emotions once again got the best of you.

Smoke practically blew out his ears as his mouth parted in shock. Your heart dropped when you heard the sound of sarcastic laughter falling out of his mouth, knowing full well that you fucked up this time.

“I messed it up? Me??” He was pointing to his own chest for emphasis, and you had the audacity to give him a quick nod. “Ahah, wow Y/N, that’s really rich coming from you.”

You didn’t even have a second to get a word in before he crowded your space, so close that your chests were touching. You drew in a sharp breath, not sure what in the hell he was doing right now.

“You were the one that was practically begging me to kiss you that night, remember? You were trying so hard,” he spat, so close to your face now that you couldn’t even feel the cold nipping at your cheeks anymore (whether it be from the embarrassment lacing through your veins or the extensive heat from his body, you weren’t sure).

You couldn’t think of anything to say in response; all you knew was that he was dishing out pretty low blows, and each word was like a knife being plunged into your chest.

“Like, how desperate are you?” he added in, now moving his hands to grip your waist, making you squeak in surprise. “You want a kiss so bad? Get fucking ready.”

You weren’t sure what he meant and your brain was having such a hard time comprehending anything going on in that moment, the pressure of his hands gripping your waist making all thoughts fly out of your head besides one.

Him.

“Wait, Chenle–“ you placed a hand on his chest to try to push him away, unsure of how you felt about this situation.

“What, you don’t want it now?” his voice was borderline malicious as he spoke to you now, making you feel incredibly small and vulnerable under his gaze.

“No I–“

“You come to me and give me all that bullshit, and now when I’m trying to give you something that you wanted,” his grip grew tighter. “you don’t want it anymore? Make up your damn mind, Y/N.”

You did want it. There was still a huge part of you that screamed at you to just let it happen, but you knew it would be wrong. So fucking wrong. He wasn’t doing this because he wanted to; he was doing this because he wanted all this to end right here.

You were scared. He was scaring you with the way he was acting right now.

“Chenle, please—“

“Just shut up.”

Chenle didn’t allow you to get another word in before he crashed his lips against yours, roughly pressing his against your own so abruptly that you felt your teeth pierce the inside of yours. You tasted blood, but it wasn’t the first thing on your mind at the moment; Chenle moved his mouth against yours aggressively and without any emotion besides anger behind it, and you absolutely hated it.

Sure, it felt nice to finally get what you wanted, but in a way, you definitely were not. This isn’t what you wanted at all. You wanted to love him and you wanted him to love you...and you wanted it to feel nice.

His hands slid down to your hips and your stomach jumped in surprise as you tried desperately to match his pace to at least kiss him back a little bit. It didn’t last long, and with a strong push on your hips he effectively pulled away, your body stumbling back from the force of his shove.

His lips were red and puffy and his eyes were dark as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, panting slightly. You probably looked somewhat the same, but didn’t even move from where you stood as he stared at you. You felt your eyes become glassy from staring into space too long, and you felt your hands shake, but most definitely not from the cold.

“There’s your fucking kiss.” He finally said, taking two steps back. “Goodbye, Y/N.”

You didn’t even watch him walk back into his house. You ran as fast as you could back into your own home and immediately slammed the front door shut behind you, darting up the stairs without a single word.

You barged into your bedroom and without even removing your winter garments, you threw yourself down onto your mattress for what seemed like the millionth time in the last year, and began to sob.

——

Chenle’s parents said that he had commitments at the school, some sort of research or whatever, and that’s why he couldn’t stay home long. At the time, all you really thought was ‘good riddance’, but you knew that your heart would be back to obsessing over him in no time, even after what had happened between the two of you on the day you try so hard not to remember.

Well, at least he was flourishing at school.

When Donghyuck found out what had happened between you and Chenle during the time he was home from university, he was ready to kill someone. That someone being Chenle.

“He did what to you?!” Donghyuck screamed over the phone, causing you to pull it from your ear from the sheer volume of his screeching. “I’ll kill him, Y/N. I swear I’ll fucking kill that kid.”

“No need, Hyuckie. It’s not that big of a deal.” you replied somberly, sighing as you relaxed on your mattress against your pillows.

“Not a big deal??? Angel, he basically forced that shit on you,” Hyuck was speaking softly to you now, a stark contrast to his yelling from a few moments prior. “You should be furious at him. You need to tell someone—“

“I’m not mad,” you replied quietly, chewing on your bottom lip. “A part of me wanted that to happen, Hyuck. It just…” your voice trailed off, your brain trying to think of the right words to say. “Wasn’t what I was expecting, is all.”

The line was quiet and you weren’t sure what to say next, and Donghyuck must have felt the same. It was a really fucked up situation, you had to admit.

“I think I…” your voice sounded broken, but you continued. “I think I still love him.” The words came out as a whisper and they surprised even yourself, not expecting to admit such a thing after all that has happened.

“Oh, angel…” was all Donghyuck replied with before you quickly made up some lame excuse to hang up the call with him. You hurriedly pressed the ‘end call’ button and threw yourself back on the bed, spacing out once again just like you always do.

You managed to bear with not seeing or talking to Chenle after the incident (a huge part of you didn’t want to, after hearing what he had to say and also what he did during Christmas break), but when you stumbled across a post of his one night a couple months after while scrolling through Instagram, it had your heart shattering completely.

“What the fuck,” you whimpered, already struggling to hold back tears as your watery eyes stared daggers at the photo displayed on your screen. “What. The. Fuck?” you said it louder this time, with more malice, and you threw your phone across your bed to get it away from you.

Chenle had posted a photo of himself and another girl, kissing each other while snow fell in some random park you didn’t give a fuck about. He found someone else. He fell for someone else.

The hypocrisy.....he didn’t want to be with you because he wanted to focus on school, but then he goes and starts up a relationship with someone else anyway?

Maybe he did it to spite you.

At first, you felt pathetic for crying about it. You tried to muffle your cries in your pillow, holding back the ugly sobs that you so desperately wanted to let out. You silently cried, your heart aching and your lungs gasping for air as you fought the pain in the dark pit inside your chest.

You began to grow angry after a while, your thoughts spinning wildly out of control as your chest heaved, your nails digging into your sheets to keep yourself from clawing at your own burning throat.

You screamed.

You screamed and screamed and cried until there was nothing left inside you. You needed to let out the festering hatred you had grown for him since he left over a year ago. It was ugly and it was cacophonous, but you didn’t care anymore.

Your parents were luckily out, and you didn’t give a fuck about your neighbors. You poured out every raw emotion you felt until you sensed yourself beginning to calm; your chest no longer rose and fell like you had been running a marathon, your heartbeat quieted to a low thrum in your ears instead of a pounding drum, and your muscles relaxed, allowing you to lie down flat against your mattress.

Your pillow was soaked through with tears and your head was thumping, like your brain was smashing a baseball bat to the inside of your skull. You breathed in, five long seconds, and breathed out, seven seconds more, before bathing in the quiet of your room.

Your phoned buzzed from the end of your bed, and you hesitantly picked your head up, sliding to sit and reach for it tentatively.

It was a text message.

From: donghyuckie :P

hey, saw chenle’s post. ice cream in 20? I’ll pick you up

You smiled, surprising yourself entirely, as if you weren’t just screaming your head off just five minutes ago. You were incredibly happy to have such a good friend in your life, immediately knowing what you needed when you needed it. You were quick to reply.

To: donghyuckie :P

sounds good, I’ll see you then :)

You smiled again, and didn’t stop the whole night, Donghyuck's presence always comforting and joyful.

You would be okay, you knew you would. All you had to do was just live your own life, forget about Chenle, and be happy...always with a smile.

[lovemesomesurveys]

When was the last time you wanted to wear something but it was still ‘in the wash’ or ‘not yet dried’? I wanted to wear my Baby Yoda/Grogu Christmas sweatshirt on Christmas, but it didn’t end up getting washed.

Any new subjects for the upcoming school year? I’m not in school anymore.

Last time you got a haircut? Back in February of last year. Almost a year ago now.

Have you ever rode Business Class? No.

Paris, Texas or Paris, France? Paris, France, please.

How much time/percentage is left on your laptop battery? It’s at 100% because it’s plugged in.

Do you like to know how things are made? Yeah, a lot of it is interesting.

Care to post the most recent tagged picture of you on Facebook? No.

HAVE YOU WATCHED BRUNO YET!?  I saw the first one. I don’t have any interest in seeing the new one.

Is there any song that’s stuck in your head?  Not at the moment.

What does your school bag look like?  --

Is it anyone’s birthday today? I’m sure it’s a lot of people’s birthday today, but no one I know.

With your guy friends, are you known as a girl or a buddy? I don’t have any friends.

Do you own a foam finger? No.

Where was the last place you dined in with your friends? It’s been a few years since the last time I did that, so I don’t recall. Yes, I actually used to have friends and I actually used to go out. *gasp*

Name all the websites on your bookmark toolbar here! Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, and Pinterest. 

Have you actually ever eaten a wedding cake? Yes.

Gotcher back to school outfit yet? Or do you just don’t care? --

Do you get email updates from Urban Dictionary?  No.

Do you think some babies are ugly? Aw, that’s mean.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? Aw, those were fun times as a kid.

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC?  I don’t know. 

Do you love stuff crusted pizza? I don’t eat the crusts, so.

Is Lil Wayne all that he’s cracked up to be? I like some his features and songs.

Who are you usually attracted to in bands, the singer, the guitarist, bassist, or drummer? I wasn’t attracted to many band guys, honestly. 

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No. I should.

What’s your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, mint green, coral, and yellow.

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with?  Joseph.

Have you ever hugged a stranger?  No.

What’s a random act of kindness you have done to help a stranger? I’ve given money to homeless people.

Has a Youtube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Ha, no. What’s a fear you’ve conquered? Hmm. I don’t know.

Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah.

Have you ever received a homemade card from someone?  Yes.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? No.

Do you like Robert Frost poems?  I only know one.

Do you go to church every Sunday?  Yes. I attend via livestream. 

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico or Las Vegas? Nope.

Have you ever been to Arkansas?  No.

Where would you go on a road trip with your best friend? There’s so many places I’d love to travel to.

Do you know anyone with Harry Potter glasses?  Growing up I had the round frames.

Longest you’ve ever stayed on the phone? Houuuurs. I used to talk to my best friends in elementary and middle school on the phone for-fucking-EVER. I’m not sure of the longest bit of time though. <<< Haha, I actually used to do that, too, which is so shocking because I hate talking on the phone now. I kinda did that in high school the first two years a few times, but after that something switched and I never wanted to talk on the phone. It became just text me or message me online.

Have you ever been in a relationship on and off for more than a year?  Joseph and I, whatever it was we had going on, was off and on for a few years. We never were officially together, but we had something going on and it would seem it was going in that direction but then nope.

What about just for a year straight?  Like I said, it went on for 3 years.

Do gangs scare you?  I mean, yeah...

Have you met a best friend on a cruise before?  I’ve never been on a cruise.

How many high schools are in your city/town?  Like 4.

If offered, would you want to go to fashion week in Paris? Can I just have the trip to Paris?

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. 

What are your thoughts on fake reality television? I’m a sucker for reality TV. *shrug*

Would you want to own your own island? Nah. I’m good with my Animal Crossing Island lol. <<< Ha, same.

Who killed John Bennet Ramsey?  Her brother is kinda sus. I could see it being a situation where the family covered up for him because he was just a child. Or, perhaps one of the parents. Again, it being an accidental situation and they just covered it up.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I don’t think about it. 

Do you even like politics? I don’t like it, but I try to follow it at least somewhat because it is important and affects all of us. It’s stressful and overwhelming and confusing, though, so I don’t follow it as closely as maybe I should.

Have you ever seen a guy wearing hoop or dangling earrings? Yeah.

What’s it like at raves? I’ve never been. I’ve never had any desire to go to one.

Do you do a nice Scottish accent?  I can’t do any accents.

Do you think that all people in England have really bad teeth?  No? That’s an awful stereotype.

What is your state nickname (The Golden State, The Cheese State, etc)? The Golden State.

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? I’d rather not lose anyone in my life, thanks.

Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? Spend your money on what you want, but I don’t spend that much on perfume. I think it’s crazy how expensive they can be. 

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? A jacket. That’s the only thing I ever try on because I can easily just put it on real quick right there and it doesn’t require much. I never try on clothes or anything otherwise. 

Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is?  Nope.

Do you ever sleep through your alarm? It happens. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened for anything important in a long time, but I sometimes set alarms when I don’t want to sleep in too late or I want to try and get up by a certain time for whatever reason and oftentimes I just end up hitting snooze or turning it off.

What is the dominant color in the room you’re in?  There’s a lot of colors going on.

Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? I’ve only seen her in a couple things, I think.

When did you realize you are no longer a child?  I’m not sure if it was one specific moment. 

Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes?  Noo, not for me. I don’t feel comfortable naked.

Does your best friend wear makeup? Yeah.

Who is someone you do not understand at all?  Myself. What is your morning routine? When I get up, I take my medicine and lie around for awhile checking social media and whatnot before finally dragging myself outta bed for coffee. 

Have you already met your true love?  No.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?  Yeah.

Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? I would want to try and work on things first. I wouldn’t just end a relationship right away because we had a problem. Now, if we had a lot of problems and nothing was getting resolved or it just wasn’t working out even after trying to work on things, then it would be time to end the relationship. But you’re going to experience problems in a relationship, you can’t expect not to. It’s how you go about them.

Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail?  Not a cat, but a dog. I always feel like the worst person in the world whenever I’ve accidentally done that with their tail or paw. Gahhh. And my doggo (and my previous doggos) acts like she did something wrong and snuggles up next to me and is all lovey and it’s like, ‘nooo, I’m the evil one here you didn’t do anything wrong you precious angel!’

Did they meow really loud? They let out a yelp.

Do you ever go to Plyrics.com?  I’m sure that was one of the sites I used back in the day for lyrics. Nowadays I just quickly Google a song and the lyrics pop right up.

Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living?  Jlkfjkdfjl ew yes I’ve heard that. That gives me the creeps just thinking about it, thanks for ending on that note....

[newstfionline]

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Many in US still face COVID-19 financial loss (AP) Roughly 4 in 10 Americans say they’re still feeling the financial impact of the loss of a job or income within their household as the economic recovery remains uneven one year into the coronavirus pandemic. A new poll by The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research provides further evidence that the pandemic has been devastating for some Americans, while leaving others virtually unscathed or even in better shape, at least when it comes to their finances. The outcome often depended on the type of job a person had and their income level before the pandemic. The pandemic has particularly hurt Black and Latino households, as well as younger Americans, some of whom are now going through the second major economic crisis of their adult lives. The poll shows that about half of Americans say they have experienced at least one form of household income loss during the pandemic, including 25% who have experienced a household layoff and 31% who say someone in the household was scheduled for fewer hours. Overall, 44% said their household experienced income loss from the pandemic that is still having an impact on their finances. The poll’s findings reflect what some economists have called a “K-shaped recovery,” where there have been divergent fortunes among Americans. Those with office jobs were able to transition to working from home while those who worked in hard-hit industries such as entertainment, dining, travel and other industries have continued to struggle.

Los Angeles Schools Remain Closed and Families Wonder: How Much Longer? (NYT) It has been almost a year since the coronavirus pandemic virtually emptied public schools in Los Angeles and sent students home to take classes from their bedrooms. Families in the Los Angeles Unified School District are coming to terms with a bittersweet truth: With the spring term scheduled to end on June 11, only a sliver of their pandemic school year is likely to take place face-to-face. District officials say a deal with its powerful teachers’ union to resume in-person learning seems close, and might happen this week. But the superintendent, Austin Beutner, has estimated that, even with an agreement in place, it will take at least until mid-April just to welcome back elementary and special needs students. Older students would be phased in over the next couple of weeks. Of the nation’s 10 largest school systems, Los Angeles is the only one that has yet to resume in-person teaching for significant numbers of students.

US offers residency to Venezuelans and will review sanctions (AP) The Biden administration said Monday it is offering temporary legal residency to several hundred thousand Venezuelans who fled their country’s economic collapse and will review U.S. sanctions intended to isolate the South American nation. President Joe Biden’s administration announced it would grant temporary protected status to Venezuelans already in the United States, allowing an estimated 320,000 people to apply to legally live and work in the country for 18 months. Trump resisted repeated calls from Republican and Democratic lawmakers, primarily from South Florida, to grant temporary protected status to Venezuelans though he issued an order deferring deportation for a smaller number on his final day in office. The Trump administration also significantly tightened U.S. economic sanctions on Venezuela, most notably on its crucial oil sector, to try and force President Nicolas Maduro to give up power after an election in 2018 that the United States and other countries believe was fraudulent. A senior Biden administration official portrayed that as a failed strategy. “The United States is in no rush to lift sanctions,” the official said, speaking to reporters on condition of anonymity to discuss the policy. “But we need to recognize here that unilateral sanctions over the last four years have not succeeded in achieving an electoral outcome in the country.”

Brazil justice annuls Lula’s sentences, enabling 2022 run (AP) A Supreme Court justice on Monday annulled all convictions against former Brazilian President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, a ruling that potentially would allow him to run again for the presidency next year. The decision also laid bare the country’s political divisions, with leftists celebrating their 75-year-old leader’s return to the political arena as conservatives said the rulings were tantamount to impunity. Da Silva’s lawyers issued a statement welcoming the decision, saying it “is aligned with everything we have said for more than five years in these suits.” But Brazilian media reported that the country’s prosecutor-general Augusto Aras, an ally of conservative President Jair Bolsonaro, is preparing to appeal the decision.

Indian activist’s arrest spotlights crackdown on dissent (AP) To her friends, Disha Ravi, a 22-year-old Indian climate activist, was most concerned about her future in a world of rising temperatures. But her life changed last month when she became a household name in India, dominating headlines after police charged her with sedition, a colonial-era law that carries a sentence up to life in prison. Her alleged crime: sharing an online handbook meant to raise support for months-long farmer protests on Twitter. “If highlighting farmers’ protest globally is sedition, I am better (off) in jail,” she said in court two weeks ago. Going after activists isn’t new in India, but Ravi’s saga has stoked fear and anxiety. Observers say what happened to Ravi—a young, middle class, urban woman—hit home for a lot of Indians, who suddenly feared they could be jailed for sharing something on social media. The incident has raised questions over India’s democracy, with critics decrying it as the latest attempt by Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s Hindu nationalist government to mute dissent and criminalize it. “They targeted someone not usually targeted by the Hindu right-wing—a young girl from South India, who doesn’t have a Muslim name and is not linked to left-wing student politics,” said prominent historian Ramachandra Guha. “The message they wanted to send is that they can go after anyone.”

Victims of Myanmar’s Army Speak (NYT) The soldiers from Myanmar’s army knocked on U Thein Aung’s door one morning last April as he was having tea with friends, and demanded that all of them accompany the platoon to another village. When they reached a dangerous stretch in the mountains of Rakhine State, the men were ordered to walk 100 feet ahead. One stepped on a land mine and was blown to pieces. Metal fragments struck Mr. Thein Aung in his arm and his left eye. “They threatened to kill us if we refused to go with them,” said Mr. Thein Aung, 65, who lost the eye. “It is very clear that they used us as human land mine detectors.” The military and its brutal practices are an omnipresent fear in Myanmar, one that has intensified since the generals seized full power in a coup last month. As security forces gun down peaceful protesters on city streets, the violence that is commonplace in the countryside serves as a grisly reminder of the military’s long legacy of atrocities. During decades of military rule, an army dominated by the Bamar majority operated with impunity against ethnic minorities, killing civilians and torching villages.

New option for quarantine in Thailand (Foreign Policy) Wealthy visitors to Thailand now have the option of spending their 14-day mandatory quarantine on a yacht as part of a new program to boost tourism to the country. Prospective seafarers will be equipped with an electronic wristband that will track the wearer’s vital signs as well as GPS coordinates—even when at sea. Thailand’s tourism minister proposed a separate plan last week to allow tourists to spend their quarantine period in the country’s beach resorts. The need for unique approaches is particularly acute in the southeast Asian nation: Only 6.7 million foreign tourists visited Thailand in 2020, following a record 39.8 million tourists in 2019.

China launches COVID-19 vaccination certificates for cross-border travel (Reuters) China has launched a digital COVID-19 vaccination certificate for its citizens planning cross-border travels, joining other countries issuing similar documents as they seek ways to reopen their economies. As vaccines are globally being rolled out, a few countries, including Bahrain, have already introduced certificates identifying vaccinated people and the European Union agreed to develop vaccine passports under pressure from tourism-dependent southern countries. The certificate issued by China would have details about the holder’s COVID-19 vaccination information and coronavirus test results, the Department of Consular Affairs under China’s foreign ministry said on its website.

Lebanon’s collapse piles strain on army, security forces (Reuters) Discontent is brewing in the ranks of Lebanon’s security forces over a currency crash wiping out most of the value of their salaries as unrest and crime surge. In unusually outspoken comments, army chief General Joseph Aoun said his warnings that the pressure on soldiers’ earnings and morale could lead to an “implosion” had fallen on deaf ears. Lebanon’s pound has crashed 85 percent since late 2019 in a financial meltdown that poses the biggest threat to stability since the 1975-1990 civil war. “Soldiers are going hungry like the people,” he said on Monday, berating politicians without naming names. The basic monthly salary of a soldier or policeman, which used to amount to around $800, is worth under $120 today. Budget cuts pushed the military to cut meat from its meals last year. In what was seen as a sign of the times, the French embassy donated food parcels last month to the Lebanese army, which has long been backed by Western nations.

Barred from marrying by the rabbis, Israelis find a pandemic workaround—in Utah (Washington Post) For generations, the iron grip of Orthodox rabbis on Israeli family law has meant that mixed couples, gay couples or even couples in which one partner is not deemed Jewish enough have been denied the right to marry within the country’s borders. To circumvent the rabbis, thousands of Israelis jetted off each year to nearby countries like Cyprus or Greece for weddings that the government later recognized as civil unions. But when the pandemic closed even that window, it also opened another: Zoom weddings, administered 7,000 miles away—in Utah. At least 150 Israeli couples have already tied the virtual knot through this technological loophole, spurring a new battle in a national culture war that has long pitted Israel’s non-Orthodox Jewish majority against the politically entrenched Orthodox Jewish minority. Aware of the threat to their outsize influence, ultra-Orthodox politicians who control the Interior Ministry have already moved to dismiss the Zoom weddings, which both sides agree have the potential to forge a legacy that would far outlive the pandemic. Under an Ottoman-era law extended by Israel’s first prime minister, David Ben-Gurion, marriage in Israel is governed by the state’s religious authorities. For Jews, it is the chief rabbinate that is tasked with validating the bride and groom as Jewish, meaning that they must prove descent from an uninterrupted line of Jewish mothers. “This is a revolutionary and historical step,” said Uri Regev, a rabbi, lawyer and president of Hiddush, a religious equality organization based in Jerusalem. “For the first time, there will be access, for a minimal cost for Israelis, who won’t need to travel overseas, who can legally and quickly get married or at least obtain a registration of marriage through this new avenue.”

Death toll from explosions in Equatorial Guinea rises to 98 (Reuters) The death toll from a series of explosions at a military barracks in Equatorial Guinea rose by dozens to at least 98 killed after more bodies were recovered, the government said Tuesday. The blasts on Sunday in the Mondong Nkuantoma neighborhood of the coastal city of Bata also wounded at least 615 people, authorities said. The government said that 316 of the injured have been discharged and 299 remain in care in various hospitals in the city. Investigations have shown the fire may have begun when a farmer set fire to his plot to prepare it for food production and a breeze spread the flames to the nearby barracks where the high-caliber ammunition was stored.

From a prolonged pandemic, a rethink of life’s milestones? (AP) Wedding anniversaries for Elizabeth O’Connor Cole and her husband, Michael, usually involve a dinner reservation for two at a fancy restaurant. Not this time around. As the pandemic raged last May, the Chicago mom of four unearthed her boxed wedding gown, recreated their reception menu, and pulled out her wedding china and silver after enlisting another of her kids to DJ their first-dance song, “At Last,” for a romantic turn around the living room. And the priest who married them offered a special blessing on Zoom with friends and family joining in. “Spontaneous and a bit chaotic,” O’Connor Cole pronounced the celebration. “Still, it was probably the most meaningful and fun anniversary we’ve had.” When the crisis finally resolves, will our new ways of marking births and deaths, weddings and anniversaries have any lasting impact? Or will freshly felt sentiments born of pandemic invention be fleeting? Some predict their pandemic celebrations have set a new course. Others still mourn the way their traditions used to be.

[former-cannibal-3]

Tell us about how you got into art.

WOW this got super long, I’m so sorry!

I was given a metric assload of coloring books, glitter crayons and stuff by my grandma when I was a kid. I don’t remember ever starting, it’s just always been like that. Also I really liked Pokemon, like REALLY liked it, like any other small child in the 90s. So I had some established characters to draw, like pikachu and eevee! Those were my fave to draw. Any I just never really stopped.

Luckily my elementary school still had an “art class” back then. For one whole year it had an actual room, but then it was just a little cart pushed around. Nothing really groundbreaking, but since it was fun and I liked it (and was proud of being “better” than everyone else there) it just kept going.  it was really just a bunch of kids scribbling stuff with very little direction.

My art tteacher gave me a book about drawing things realistically. I really read that book and took it all to heart. Except for the grid thing, I thought the grid thing was stupid because all it let you do was COPY a photo, and I didn’t WANT to COPY! I wanted to make my OWN stuff!

I dont remember, but I think it was in first grade, maybe before that? Maybe after idk but it was really early on. I wrote stories about a wolf who’s name was Fear, and she was a pup when the forest she lived in burned down, and she got separated from her pack. So she ended up having to traverse the desert and run into other packs who wanted to use her in different ways (usually as a disposable labor or to watch the pack’s pups while their mothers went to have fun and stuff like that) and she would have to fight them to keep going. And so on. It was pretty in depth but I never actually got them on paper except for some shitty doodles.

Here’s a quick rendition of her from memory I made just now, using some free lineart. It’s probably missing some aspects of her design, but the main thing was that she is orange, had the dark stripe, and a white tail-tip. I know, looks like a fox. Of course my actually drawings of her were crude and done in crayon.

I really liked wolves. A Lot. So Much. I guess that’s probs why I’m a furry?

Similar to that time, like at the same time as Fear, I was makign my own TCG based on my own pet-sim website (heavily inspired by neopets and one gem-creature that i think was on a yugioh card). I made a “functioning” website in front page, it really just made me happy to click through on the previews and do pointless stuff that didn’t actually DO anything because it wasn’t a live website. But it was cool and fun. I made a lot of websites on front page lol. A LOT.

I made custom buttons and graphics in Paint and just came up with all this shit to “do” and ran with it. I also made some sites that were like, just really bad personal homepages. But I was also like somewhere between the ages of 7-11, I don’t remember what age specifically? BUT anyway frontpage is really fun to work with and I basically know all of my HTML and CSS from that and neopets.

What’s really funny is… I never had a home computer! I didn’t have computer until like 2009, and we still didn’t have internet at home until like 2013-ish. I might be off on those dates a bit but you can’t expect me to remember specifics when I struggle to remember things that happened yesterday lol.

Oh yeah I found Jay Naylor art and a comic called Good Cheese and accidentally got into furries bc of it, and yeah some of it was porn and my POOR LITTLE CHILD BRAIN COULDNT HANDLE bahahahahaa im fucking kidding, it WAS porn but it’s cool and I don’t think it really damaged me. I thought it was ~wrong~ but I still printed that shit out in black and white after school to take home with me oops.

Like RIGHT after that I got into Redwall and Serenity Rose. Redwall has this huge roleplay community online, it was really cool. i never had the guts to RP tho, so I just looked at pretty art and tried to emulate it. I made my own OCs and stuff. With Sera Rose I entered my first foray into online forums, the Bubblegum Noir. Where I posted doodles I did. I was also a really fucking obnoxious teenager lol. This was middle school bee tee dubbs.

Sometime in middle school I think my focus shifted a bit from my self-driven and pokemon fuel’d vigor for creating things. I certainly still drew fanart, I got really into anime (kinda, i read loveless and then was smitten by cat eared boys forever after that lol) and started drawing Neopets related stuff by then. (Yes I still plaid neopets in middle school, hush.) I think I scanned some art in to enter into the beauty contest.

Uhm in middle school I was introduced to all sorts of New Cool Tools like BRUSH PENS and stuff! WOAH! But yeah I actually tried to do shit for realsies. I did stain glass cutting and silk screen printing after school. Neato!

In middle school I also had a “running” comic I called My Life Unlimited, and it was like the bizzare megatokyo-esque thing where I drew me and my friends having everyday normal lives. Except my cat was Literally Satan. No I mean like actually, Satan was on vacation in the Real World disguised as a cat, but OFC I found him and was like oh no a poor lost kitty, let me put a collar on him and take him home n feed him. Which, as we all know collars = ownership and eating the food of the land etc etc. Which lead to me owning Satan, literally, who could shift inbetween cat form and human-ish-looking form. Also he couldn’t open the peanut butter once and it became a running joke.

There was this whole plot with angels and demons or whatever and the demons were the good guys and angels were generally manipulative assholes and uhhhh yeah. It was dorky but I liked it. Still kinda do. I dated a “fox demon” in the comic, he had a scythe, it was cool. B3

And uh, I just drew a lot of fanart, fancharacters. My own comic stuff. 

And then I dropped all of it in high school, where I only drew furries and school assigned artwork. It was neato, the only thing I learned was about negitive space, lineart quality and VAGUELY hue and value (but not terribly in detail, and it was muddy and mucky). I made an FA account, found artists like CorrieZodori and ForcesWerwolf, and joined the Hungry Pokemon Forums (as a minor and completely ignoring ALL the rules about being 18 or over.) WHOOPS guess I was into vore. No wait, I joined HPF in… middle school I think? IDEK.

Anyway I started drawing MORE furries and more maws. And back then I was like “only oral vore, mawshots or pre-vore, no stomach internals and NO DIGESTION” but look at me now mom, if it aint Dying I ain’t Buying.

Lots of highschool is a blue of bad decisions and general fuckery. I had a cool AP art history class tho. I don’t remember jack fucking shit, sorry.

And uh… that’s where I am now???

Now I’m actually taking art seriously, and with internet access I can look for tutorials and references no problem. I’ve got a few good art books, but mainly I reccomend one by James Gurney called Light and Color for the Realist Painter. Or whatever, I cannot be assed to google it rn I’ve been typing for like an hour. Maybe two… idek. Also some good youtube chanels, sinix design, sycra, istabrak, bobby chiu and ahmed aldoori, really recommend those for learning!

Anyway I’m more aware of my shortcomings, and working hard to fix them, all while still ejoying doing what I do. Although lately I feel like I’ve gone backwards in quality and launched myself into more stress and difficulty. And I certainly do much less, and finish things less also. I wonder why… :T

UHM I’m not even sure if I answered your question i just kinda went on a tangent oops. Hopefully this is an entertaining read if nothing else?

[krisiunicornio]

Best-selling Ayurvedic author Sahara Rose Ketabi has made a life out of modernizing ancient wisdom.

Sahara Rose Ketabi

Sahara Rose Ketabi wants me to stop watching scary movies. We chat about this as we ride the elevator down from her sixth-floor apartment overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Los Angeles’ Pacific Palisades. She never watches horror films. Art plants seeds in our minds that can grow and become real, she tells me: “It changes your subconscious and creates possibilities of atrocities that you would never have thought of on your own. Then it’s in your subconscious, and it keeps leaking in. So then you’re manifesting more of—not that specific thing per se—but scenarios that go along with it.”

I tell her how I’m still trying to unsee 2019’s Midsommar, which is gruesome and harrowing in a way I wish my mind could forget. Ketabi nods, although she has not seen it. Manifesting is one of her super powers, and she’s not about to muck that up for a cheap thrill. Ask her about it, and she’ll tell you detailed accounts of how she’s attracted her life’s greatest successes: a foreword written by one of her heroes, Deepak Chopra, in her very first book, back when she was living in her grandparents’ apartment after college; her husband, whom she dubbed her “God Man” and says she communicated with through meditation before they ever met; and her latest endeavor, Rose Gold Goddesses, a worldwide collective of spiritual women seeking enlightenment and sisterhood.

See also Deepak Chopra on What It Means to Discover Your True Potential

I first met Ketabi in August 2018 when I was interviewing yoga and meditation teacher Rosie Acosta for a cover story that ran in December of that year. Ketabi had just received the first advance copies of her contemporary Ayurvedic cookbook Eat Feel Fresh, and she’d brought a few over to Acosta’s Laurel Canyon home to promote its October release on Acosta’s wellness podcast, Radically Loved. I honestly hadn’t heard of Ketabi, but I should have. By then, her own podcast, Highest Self, had hit No. 1 in the spirituality category, and The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda was already a bestseller in the Ayurveda space—thanks in part to the foreword and cover quote she managed to score from Chopra.

A Fated Meeting with Deepak Chopra

How did that happen? In May 2017, Ketabi spontaneously decided to attend a yoga and science conference while she was visiting New York City. She was bored, sitting in the very back of a jam-packed auditorium, plotting her escape. “I’m thinking, Right now, the only thing that could keep me here is if Deepak Chopra walks on stage,” she tells me, leaning back into the corner of her sectional as we eat sashimi in her living room. “And then they’re like, ‘OK, time for a lunch break. Now, a word from our sponsor, Deepak Chopra.’” In that moment, the alternative medicine megastar walked on stage, waved “Hello, everyone,” and casually walked off, signaling a break in the event.

Ketabi was a precocious child, growing up in the Newton suburb of Boston with parents who had both immigrated from Iran—her father to attend MIT, her mother to continue her own education after the 1979 Islamic Revolution resulted in the shuttering of universities. Ketabi recalls an elementary school assignment where she was asked to dress up as her favorite celebrity for a presentation. “She dressed up as Gandhi,” her brother, Amir, recalls from Boston, where he lives. “Literally, white robe.” Their father had showed them the 1983 Academy Award–winning film Gandhi as children. “We talked about violence and peace and meditation and the significance of it all,” says Amir. “It had an impact on both of us, but she really took it a step further.” As a preteen, Ketabi threw herself into learning about spiritual leaders and changemakers such as Mother Teresa and Ida B. Wells, using books as a roadmap for what her own path could look like. Eventually she picked up a book by Chopra. “He’s always been a major figure in my life,” she says. “My parents and I would get into fights, and I’d be like, ‘One day I’m going to be like Deepak Chopra!’”

See also How Deepak Chopra's Law of Pure Potentiality Can Transform Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

So there he was, at the foot of the stage, a thousand people between the two of them—an amorphous mob trying to exit the auditorium like cattle—and Ketabi started bum-rushing the stage. When she reached Chopra, he was mid-conversation. Eventually he turned to her.

Ketabi introduced herself and asked Chopra if she could send him a PDF of her forthcoming book; he agreed and gave her his email address.

“So I’m like, This is the pinnacle of my whole life,” Ketabi says excitedly. “I have Deepak Chopra’s email; now what am I going to do with it?” She meditated for eight hours that day, imagining Chopra writing an endorsement for the book. “I’m thinking, This is exactly what I need to get this book out into more people’s hands. If he writes a quote, more people will read it, and it will benefit more lives.”

Chopra did read her manuscript, and as we now know, he wrote the foreword to The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda (and later, Eat Feel Fresh). He also invited Ketabi to be a faculty member on his wellness app Jiyo, which led to the two of them hosting a 31-day Ayurveda transformation challenge together and to Ketabi’s online Intro to Ayurveda course. Today they’re collaborating on an Ayurvedic certification program through Chopra Global. “It’s been a joy to watch Sahara grow and expand in the past few years,” Chopra told me in an email. “She is a true example of embodying her own dharma.”

Ketabi says what’s fueled her entire life is living in alignment with her dharma, which is the theme of her next book, Discover Your Dharma, coming next year. Early on, she decided that her purpose “in this lifetime” was to be of service to humanity. Because of this, she started volunteering with at-risk youth in Boston at 13 (after she’d started practicing yoga a year earlier). When she was 15, through a global justice program at her high school, she went to Costa Rica to work in a prison and care for orphans. That same year, she started her school’s chapter of Amnesty International. “I was very into reading about Howard Zinn and counterculture and how we can create change,” she says. “I was organizing protests all the time and bringing in speakers to talk about the Iraq war, genocide in the Congo, and forced rendition.” At 16, she helped build a preschool in Nicaragua—at 17, a community center in Thailand.

“She marches to her own beat,” says Amir. “As a 13-, 14-year-old girl, she was very aware of her privilege. Being first-generation Iranian, we were exposed to a lot of the truths of the world at an earlier age than most—we were having Israel-Palestine discussions in middle school. And Sahara was just adamant that she needed to go out there and try to make a difference and learn about the world.”

"The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly"

The Journey to Ayurveda

Ketabi attended George Washington University in 2009 to study international affairs and development, intent on becoming an international human rights lawyer. But as she dove in beyond her coursework, interning at NGOs around DC, she grew depressed, depleted, out of touch with her dharma. Soliciting money via an endless revolving door of fundraisers didn’t feel in line with her greater purpose. “I wanted to help people,” she says. “In DC, everything is so political. I could see I was just losing myself in the politics and I wasn’t using my creativity.”

To make matters worse, Ketabi’s physical health was failing. She transferred to Boston University to be closer to her family and started a blog (the first iteration of Eat Feel Fresh) to share some of the recipes and positive psychology she was studying in her free time to try and combat undiagnosed digestive issues. It was through writing and sharing her journey directly with readers that she tapped back into her higher calling. Armed with a newfound hope, she enrolled to become a certified health coach through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.

See also 7 Chakra-balancing Ayurvedic Soup Recipes

At 21 years old, Ketabi was 87 pounds with hypothalamic amenorrhea when, through her coursework, she discovered Ayurveda—the ancient system of medicine based on the idea that health is achieved through balancing bodily systems using diet, herbal treatments, and yogic breathwork. “All my health problems—but also my personality—were explained,” Ketabi says. Suddenly her body started to heal. “The first thing I noticed was that I could sleep at night,” she says. “The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly. I felt more grounded and peaceful than ever before. And I could finally digest food without curling up on the couch in pain.”

Unsatisfied with the limited resources available to study Ayurveda in the US, Ketabi went to India to attend Ayurveda school outside of Delhi. As a Persian American who is 50 percent Indian, she had always felt a deep connection with India and its culture. For two years, she immersed herself in Ayurvedic philosophy and began thinking about how to update it for contemporaries: For instance, traditional Ayurveda doesn’t allow for the consumption of raw foods—which makes sense when you consider the contaminated soil and lack of refrigeration in Ancient India, she says. However, modern nutrition encourages us to eat fresh raw fruits and vegetables, so she’s reformed certain recipes accordingly.

See also Putting Ayurvedic Theory IRL Terms: What Your Dosha Really Says About You

Channeling the Goddess Archetypes for Connection and Transformation

It was while studying Ayurveda in India that Ketabi began leading goddess retreats (see Find Your Inner Goddess). She had grown up surrounded by imagery of Persian and Indian deities, but it was her yoga practice and her travels to India, she says, that brought her deeper into her study of Hindu and Vedic goddesses. As I write this, Ketabi is preparing for the LA launch party celebrating Rose Gold Goddesses, her online platform for spiritual women to connect, converse, plan meetups, and explore the goddess archetypes from cultures around the world. Members have access to a Monthly Goddess Guide full of yoga practices, rituals, meditations, music, mantras, mudras, and journaling prompts—all related to each month’s chosen goddess. She texts me a little video of herself “getting glammed up” for the event, her face painted in the likeness of the Hindu goddess Kali, destroyer of evil forces.

See also The Yogini's Guide to Starting Your Own Women’s Circle

When I asked her about criticisms regarding cultural appropriation, she was cool and confident and largely unfazed. “Am I allowed to talk about goddesses if I didn’t grow up in a polytheistic religion?” she asks me rhetorically. “Goddesses exist and have always existed in every religion and every culture—it’s a universal archetype that we can all step into.” We have just finished lunch and are getting into it in her living room like old friends might. “We’re human beings,” she says. “But some people are so focused on our differences instead of our similarities.”

I visit Ketabi again at home on a cloudless Friday in September when Rose Gold Goddesses has been live for almost a month. The goddess she has chosen to celebrate this month is Saraswati, goddess of knowledge, music, art, and nature. Ketabi has organized a little gathering of friends at her home for a goddess ceremony, a ritual to honor the divine feminine, creativity, and, of course, Saraswati.

We assemble in her living room, sunshine pouring in from all angles, and Ketabi opens by blessing each of us with a single rose: The flower signifies “beauty, elegance, strength, and wisdom,” she says. But also, “Roses are not to be trifled with. You can’t just get a rose and make it your own. She has thorns, she’ll fight back.” This represents all of us in the circle right now, she tells us, post #MeToo, in Trump’s America. “As women, we want to share our beauty and the full spectrum of who we are, but there’s this dark spot in society that makes us feel like we’re not safe.” And yet we are all here, supporting women in the community and thriving in our personal and professional lives. And why is that? She asks, then answers: “It’s because we’re the rose.”

For more information on goddess archetypes, take Sahara's quiz and check out her oracle deck and guidebook, A Yogic Path.

[cedarrrun]

Best-selling Ayurvedic author Sahara Rose Ketabi has made a life out of modernizing ancient wisdom.

Sahara Rose Ketabi

Sahara Rose Ketabi wants me to stop watching scary movies. We chat about this as we ride the elevator down from her sixth-floor apartment overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Los Angeles’ Pacific Palisades. She never watches horror films. Art plants seeds in our minds that can grow and become real, she tells me: “It changes your subconscious and creates possibilities of atrocities that you would never have thought of on your own. Then it’s in your subconscious, and it keeps leaking in. So then you’re manifesting more of—not that specific thing per se—but scenarios that go along with it.”

I tell her how I’m still trying to unsee 2019’s Midsommar, which is gruesome and harrowing in a way I wish my mind could forget. Ketabi nods, although she has not seen it. Manifesting is one of her super powers, and she’s not about to muck that up for a cheap thrill. Ask her about it, and she’ll tell you detailed accounts of how she’s attracted her life’s greatest successes: a foreword written by one of her heroes, Deepak Chopra, in her very first book, back when she was living in her grandparents’ apartment after college; her husband, whom she dubbed her “God Man” and says she communicated with through meditation before they ever met; and her latest endeavor, Rose Gold Goddesses, a worldwide collective of spiritual women seeking enlightenment and sisterhood.

See also Deepak Chopra on What It Means to Discover Your True Potential

I first met Ketabi in August 2018 when I was interviewing yoga and meditation teacher Rosie Acosta for a cover story that ran in December of that year. Ketabi had just received the first advance copies of her contemporary Ayurvedic cookbook Eat Feel Fresh, and she’d brought a few over to Acosta’s Laurel Canyon home to promote its October release on Acosta’s wellness podcast, Radically Loved. I honestly hadn’t heard of Ketabi, but I should have. By then, her own podcast, Highest Self, had hit No. 1 in the spirituality category, and The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda was already a bestseller in the Ayurveda space—thanks in part to the foreword and cover quote she managed to score from Chopra.

A Fated Meeting with Deepak Chopra

How did that happen? In May 2017, Ketabi spontaneously decided to attend a yoga and science conference while she was visiting New York City. She was bored, sitting in the very back of a jam-packed auditorium, plotting her escape. “I’m thinking, Right now, the only thing that could keep me here is if Deepak Chopra walks on stage,” she tells me, leaning back into the corner of her sectional as we eat sashimi in her living room. “And then they’re like, ‘OK, time for a lunch break. Now, a word from our sponsor, Deepak Chopra.’” In that moment, the alternative medicine megastar walked on stage, waved “Hello, everyone,” and casually walked off, signaling a break in the event.

Ketabi was a precocious child, growing up in the Newton suburb of Boston with parents who had both immigrated from Iran—her father to attend MIT, her mother to continue her own education after the 1979 Islamic Revolution resulted in the shuttering of universities. Ketabi recalls an elementary school assignment where she was asked to dress up as her favorite celebrity for a presentation. “She dressed up as Gandhi,” her brother, Amir, recalls from Boston, where he lives. “Literally, white robe.” Their father had showed them the 1983 Academy Award–winning film Gandhi as children. “We talked about violence and peace and meditation and the significance of it all,” says Amir. “It had an impact on both of us, but she really took it a step further.” As a preteen, Ketabi threw herself into learning about spiritual leaders and changemakers such as Mother Teresa and Ida B. Wells, using books as a roadmap for what her own path could look like. Eventually she picked up a book by Chopra. “He’s always been a major figure in my life,” she says. “My parents and I would get into fights, and I’d be like, ‘One day I’m going to be like Deepak Chopra!’”

See also How Deepak Chopra's Law of Pure Potentiality Can Transform Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

So there he was, at the foot of the stage, a thousand people between the two of them—an amorphous mob trying to exit the auditorium like cattle—and Ketabi started bum-rushing the stage. When she reached Chopra, he was mid-conversation. Eventually he turned to her.

Ketabi introduced herself and asked Chopra if she could send him a PDF of her forthcoming book; he agreed and gave her his email address.

“So I’m like, This is the pinnacle of my whole life,” Ketabi says excitedly. “I have Deepak Chopra’s email; now what am I going to do with it?” She meditated for eight hours that day, imagining Chopra writing an endorsement for the book. “I’m thinking, This is exactly what I need to get this book out into more people’s hands. If he writes a quote, more people will read it, and it will benefit more lives.”

Chopra did read her manuscript, and as we now know, he wrote the foreword to The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda (and later, Eat Feel Fresh). He also invited Ketabi to be a faculty member on his wellness app Jiyo, which led to the two of them hosting a 31-day Ayurveda transformation challenge together and to Ketabi’s online Intro to Ayurveda course. Today they’re collaborating on an Ayurvedic certification program through Chopra Global. “It’s been a joy to watch Sahara grow and expand in the past few years,” Chopra told me in an email. “She is a true example of embodying her own dharma.”

Ketabi says what’s fueled her entire life is living in alignment with her dharma, which is the theme of her next book, Discover Your Dharma, coming next year. Early on, she decided that her purpose “in this lifetime” was to be of service to humanity. Because of this, she started volunteering with at-risk youth in Boston at 13 (after she’d started practicing yoga a year earlier). When she was 15, through a global justice program at her high school, she went to Costa Rica to work in a prison and care for orphans. That same year, she started her school’s chapter of Amnesty International. “I was very into reading about Howard Zinn and counterculture and how we can create change,” she says. “I was organizing protests all the time and bringing in speakers to talk about the Iraq war, genocide in the Congo, and forced rendition.” At 16, she helped build a preschool in Nicaragua—at 17, a community center in Thailand.

“She marches to her own beat,” says Amir. “As a 13-, 14-year-old girl, she was very aware of her privilege. Being first-generation Iranian, we were exposed to a lot of the truths of the world at an earlier age than most—we were having Israel-Palestine discussions in middle school. And Sahara was just adamant that she needed to go out there and try to make a difference and learn about the world.”

"The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly"

The Journey to Ayurveda

Ketabi attended George Washington University in 2009 to study international affairs and development, intent on becoming an international human rights lawyer. But as she dove in beyond her coursework, interning at NGOs around DC, she grew depressed, depleted, out of touch with her dharma. Soliciting money via an endless revolving door of fundraisers didn’t feel in line with her greater purpose. “I wanted to help people,” she says. “In DC, everything is so political. I could see I was just losing myself in the politics and I wasn’t using my creativity.”

To make matters worse, Ketabi’s physical health was failing. She transferred to Boston University to be closer to her family and started a blog (the first iteration of Eat Feel Fresh) to share some of the recipes and positive psychology she was studying in her free time to try and combat undiagnosed digestive issues. It was through writing and sharing her journey directly with readers that she tapped back into her higher calling. Armed with a newfound hope, she enrolled to become a certified health coach through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.

See also 7 Chakra-balancing Ayurvedic Soup Recipes

At 21 years old, Ketabi was 87 pounds with hypothalamic amenorrhea when, through her coursework, she discovered Ayurveda—the ancient system of medicine based on the idea that health is achieved through balancing bodily systems using diet, herbal treatments, and yogic breathwork. “All my health problems—but also my personality—were explained,” Ketabi says. Suddenly her body started to heal. “The first thing I noticed was that I could sleep at night,” she says. “The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly. I felt more grounded and peaceful than ever before. And I could finally digest food without curling up on the couch in pain.”

Unsatisfied with the limited resources available to study Ayurveda in the US, Ketabi went to India to attend Ayurveda school outside of Delhi. As a Persian American who is 50 percent Indian, she had always felt a deep connection with India and its culture. For two years, she immersed herself in Ayurvedic philosophy and began thinking about how to update it for contemporaries: For instance, traditional Ayurveda doesn’t allow for the consumption of raw foods—which makes sense when you consider the contaminated soil and lack of refrigeration in Ancient India, she says. However, modern nutrition encourages us to eat fresh raw fruits and vegetables, so she’s reformed certain recipes accordingly.

See also Putting Ayurvedic Theory IRL Terms: What Your Dosha Really Says About You

Channeling the Goddess Archetypes for Connection and Transformation

It was while studying Ayurveda in India that Ketabi began leading goddess retreats (see Find Your Inner Goddess). She had grown up surrounded by imagery of Persian and Indian deities, but it was her yoga practice and her travels to India, she says, that brought her deeper into her study of Hindu and Vedic goddesses. As I write this, Ketabi is preparing for the LA launch party celebrating Rose Gold Goddesses, her online platform for spiritual women to connect, converse, plan meetups, and explore the goddess archetypes from cultures around the world. Members have access to a Monthly Goddess Guide full of yoga practices, rituals, meditations, music, mantras, mudras, and journaling prompts—all related to each month’s chosen goddess. She texts me a little video of herself “getting glammed up” for the event, her face painted in the likeness of the Hindu goddess Kali, destroyer of evil forces.

See also The Yogini's Guide to Starting Your Own Women’s Circle

When I asked her about criticisms regarding cultural appropriation, she was cool and confident and largely unfazed. “Am I allowed to talk about goddesses if I didn’t grow up in a polytheistic religion?” she asks me rhetorically. “Goddesses exist and have always existed in every religion and every culture—it’s a universal archetype that we can all step into.” We have just finished lunch and are getting into it in her living room like old friends might. “We’re human beings,” she says. “But some people are so focused on our differences instead of our similarities.”

I visit Ketabi again at home on a cloudless Friday in September when Rose Gold Goddesses has been live for almost a month. The goddess she has chosen to celebrate this month is Saraswati, goddess of knowledge, music, art, and nature. Ketabi has organized a little gathering of friends at her home for a goddess ceremony, a ritual to honor the divine feminine, creativity, and, of course, Saraswati.

We assemble in her living room, sunshine pouring in from all angles, and Ketabi opens by blessing each of us with a single rose: The flower signifies “beauty, elegance, strength, and wisdom,” she says. But also, “Roses are not to be trifled with. You can’t just get a rose and make it your own. She has thorns, she’ll fight back.” This represents all of us in the circle right now, she tells us, post #MeToo, in Trump’s America. “As women, we want to share our beauty and the full spectrum of who we are, but there’s this dark spot in society that makes us feel like we’re not safe.” And yet we are all here, supporting women in the community and thriving in our personal and professional lives. And why is that? She asks, then answers: “It’s because we’re the rose.”

For more information on goddess archetypes, take Sahara's quiz and check out her oracle deck and guidebook, A Yogic Path.

[amyddaniels]

Meet Sahara Rose Ketabi, Contemporary Queen

Best-selling Ayurvedic author Sahara Rose Ketabi has made a life out of modernizing ancient wisdom.

Sahara Rose Ketabi

Sahara Rose Ketabi wants me to stop watching scary movies. We chat about this as we ride the elevator down from her sixth-floor apartment overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Los Angeles’ Pacific Palisades. She never watches horror films. Art plants seeds in our minds that can grow and become real, she tells me: “It changes your subconscious and creates possibilities of atrocities that you would never have thought of on your own. Then it’s in your subconscious, and it keeps leaking in. So then you’re manifesting more of—not that specific thing per se—but scenarios that go along with it.”

I tell her how I’m still trying to unsee 2019’s Midsommar, which is gruesome and harrowing in a way I wish my mind could forget. Ketabi nods, although she has not seen it. Manifesting is one of her super powers, and she’s not about to muck that up for a cheap thrill. Ask her about it, and she’ll tell you detailed accounts of how she’s attracted her life’s greatest successes: a foreword written by one of her heroes, Deepak Chopra, in her very first book, back when she was living in her grandparents’ apartment after college; her husband, whom she dubbed her “God Man” and says she communicated with through meditation before they ever met; and her latest endeavor, Rose Gold Goddesses, a worldwide collective of spiritual women seeking enlightenment and sisterhood.

See also Deepak Chopra on What It Means to Discover Your True Potential

I first met Ketabi in August 2018 when I was interviewing yoga and meditation teacher Rosie Acosta for a cover story that ran in December of that year. Ketabi had just received the first advance copies of her contemporary Ayurvedic cookbook Eat Feel Fresh, and she’d brought a few over to Acosta’s Laurel Canyon home to promote its October release on Acosta’s wellness podcast, Radically Loved. I honestly hadn’t heard of Ketabi, but I should have. By then, her own podcast, Highest Self, had hit No. 1 in the spirituality category, and The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda was already a bestseller in the Ayurveda space—thanks in part to the foreword and cover quote she managed to score from Chopra.

A Fated Meeting with Deepak Chopra

How did that happen? In May 2017, Ketabi spontaneously decided to attend a yoga and science conference while she was visiting New York City. She was bored, sitting in the very back of a jam-packed auditorium, plotting her escape. “I’m thinking, Right now, the only thing that could keep me here is if Deepak Chopra walks on stage,” she tells me, leaning back into the corner of her sectional as we eat sashimi in her living room. “And then they’re like, ‘OK, time for a lunch break. Now, a word from our sponsor, Deepak Chopra.’” In that moment, the alternative medicine megastar walked on stage, waved “Hello, everyone,” and casually walked off, signaling a break in the event.

Ketabi was a precocious child, growing up in the Newton suburb of Boston with parents who had both immigrated from Iran—her father to attend MIT, her mother to continue her own education after the 1979 Islamic Revolution resulted in the shuttering of universities. Ketabi recalls an elementary school assignment where she was asked to dress up as her favorite celebrity for a presentation. “She dressed up as Gandhi,” her brother, Amir, recalls from Boston, where he lives. “Literally, white robe.” Their father had showed them the 1983 Academy Award–winning film Gandhi as children. “We talked about violence and peace and meditation and the significance of it all,” says Amir. “It had an impact on both of us, but she really took it a step further.” As a preteen, Ketabi threw herself into learning about spiritual leaders and changemakers such as Mother Teresa and Ida B. Wells, using books as a roadmap for what her own path could look like. Eventually she picked up a book by Chopra. “He’s always been a major figure in my life,” she says. “My parents and I would get into fights, and I’d be like, ‘One day I’m going to be like Deepak Chopra!’”

See also How Deepak Chopra's Law of Pure Potentiality Can Transform Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

So there he was, at the foot of the stage, a thousand people between the two of them—an amorphous mob trying to exit the auditorium like cattle—and Ketabi started bum-rushing the stage. When she reached Chopra, he was mid-conversation. Eventually he turned to her.

Ketabi introduced herself and asked Chopra if she could send him a PDF of her forthcoming book; he agreed and gave her his email address.

“So I’m like, This is the pinnacle of my whole life,” Ketabi says excitedly. “I have Deepak Chopra’s email; now what am I going to do with it?” She meditated for eight hours that day, imagining Chopra writing an endorsement for the book. “I’m thinking, This is exactly what I need to get this book out into more people’s hands. If he writes a quote, more people will read it, and it will benefit more lives.”

Chopra did read her manuscript, and as we now know, he wrote the foreword to The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda (and later, Eat Feel Fresh). He also invited Ketabi to be a faculty member on his wellness app Jiyo, which led to the two of them hosting a 31-day Ayurveda transformation challenge together and to Ketabi’s online Intro to Ayurveda course. Today they’re collaborating on an Ayurvedic certification program through Chopra Global. “It’s been a joy to watch Sahara grow and expand in the past few years,” Chopra told me in an email. “She is a true example of embodying her own dharma.”

Ketabi says what’s fueled her entire life is living in alignment with her dharma, which is the theme of her next book, Discover Your Dharma, coming next year. Early on, she decided that her purpose “in this lifetime” was to be of service to humanity. Because of this, she started volunteering with at-risk youth in Boston at 13 (after she’d started practicing yoga a year earlier). When she was 15, through a global justice program at her high school, she went to Costa Rica to work in a prison and care for orphans. That same year, she started her school’s chapter of Amnesty International. “I was very into reading about Howard Zinn and counterculture and how we can create change,” she says. “I was organizing protests all the time and bringing in speakers to talk about the Iraq war, genocide in the Congo, and forced rendition.” At 16, she helped build a preschool in Nicaragua—at 17, a community center in Thailand.

“She marches to her own beat,” says Amir. “As a 13-, 14-year-old girl, she was very aware of her privilege. Being first-generation Iranian, we were exposed to a lot of the truths of the world at an earlier age than most—we were having Israel-Palestine discussions in middle school. And Sahara was just adamant that she needed to go out there and try to make a difference and learn about the world.”

"The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly"

The Journey to Ayurveda

Ketabi attended George Washington University in 2009 to study international affairs and development, intent on becoming an international human rights lawyer. But as she dove in beyond her coursework, interning at NGOs around DC, she grew depressed, depleted, out of touch with her dharma. Soliciting money via an endless revolving door of fundraisers didn’t feel in line with her greater purpose. “I wanted to help people,” she says. “In DC, everything is so political. I could see I was just losing myself in the politics and I wasn’t using my creativity.”

To make matters worse, Ketabi’s physical health was failing. She transferred to Boston University to be closer to her family and started a blog (the first iteration of Eat Feel Fresh) to share some of the recipes and positive psychology she was studying in her free time to try and combat undiagnosed digestive issues. It was through writing and sharing her journey directly with readers that she tapped back into her higher calling. Armed with a newfound hope, she enrolled to become a certified health coach through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.

See also 7 Chakra-balancing Ayurvedic Soup Recipes

At 21 years old, Ketabi was 87 pounds with hypothalamic amenorrhea when, through her coursework, she discovered Ayurveda—the ancient system of medicine based on the idea that health is achieved through balancing bodily systems using diet, herbal treatments, and yogic breathwork. “All my health problems—but also my personality—were explained,” Ketabi says. Suddenly her body started to heal. “The first thing I noticed was that I could sleep at night,” she says. “The constant chattering in my mind diminished, and I could think more clearly. I felt more grounded and peaceful than ever before. And I could finally digest food without curling up on the couch in pain.”

Unsatisfied with the limited resources available to study Ayurveda in the US, Ketabi went to India to attend Ayurveda school outside of Delhi. As a Persian American who is 50 percent Indian, she had always felt a deep connection with India and its culture. For two years, she immersed herself in Ayurvedic philosophy and began thinking about how to update it for contemporaries: For instance, traditional Ayurveda doesn’t allow for the consumption of raw foods—which makes sense when you consider the contaminated soil and lack of refrigeration in Ancient India, she says. However, modern nutrition encourages us to eat fresh raw fruits and vegetables, so she’s reformed certain recipes accordingly.

See also Putting Ayurvedic Theory IRL Terms: What Your Dosha Really Says About You

Channeling the Goddess Archetypes for Connection and Transformation

It was while studying Ayurveda in India that Ketabi began leading goddess retreats (see Find Your Inner Goddess). She had grown up surrounded by imagery of Persian and Indian deities, but it was her yoga practice and her travels to India, she says, that brought her deeper into her study of Hindu and Vedic goddesses. As I write this, Ketabi is preparing for the LA launch party celebrating Rose Gold Goddesses, her online platform for spiritual women to connect, converse, plan meetups, and explore the goddess archetypes from cultures around the world. Members have access to a Monthly Goddess Guide full of yoga practices, rituals, meditations, music, mantras, mudras, and journaling prompts—all related to each month’s chosen goddess. She texts me a little video of herself “getting glammed up” for the event, her face painted in the likeness of the Hindu goddess Kali, destroyer of evil forces.

See also The Yogini's Guide to Starting Your Own Women’s Circle

When I asked her about criticisms regarding cultural appropriation, she was cool and confident and largely unfazed. “Am I allowed to talk about goddesses if I didn’t grow up in a polytheistic religion?” she asks me rhetorically. “Goddesses exist and have always existed in every religion and every culture—it’s a universal archetype that we can all step into.” We have just finished lunch and are getting into it in her living room like old friends might. “We’re human beings,” she says. “But some people are so focused on our differences instead of our similarities.”

I visit Ketabi again at home on a cloudless Friday in September when Rose Gold Goddesses has been live for almost a month. The goddess she has chosen to celebrate this month is Saraswati, goddess of knowledge, music, art, and nature. Ketabi has organized a little gathering of friends at her home for a goddess ceremony, a ritual to honor the divine feminine, creativity, and, of course, Saraswati.

We assemble in her living room, sunshine pouring in from all angles, and Ketabi opens by blessing each of us with a single rose: The flower signifies “beauty, elegance, strength, and wisdom,” she says. But also, “Roses are not to be trifled with. You can’t just get a rose and make it your own. She has thorns, she’ll fight back.” This represents all of us in the circle right now, she tells us, post #MeToo, in Trump’s America. “As women, we want to share our beauty and the full spectrum of who we are, but there’s this dark spot in society that makes us feel like we’re not safe.” And yet we are all here, supporting women in the community and thriving in our personal and professional lives. And why is that? She asks, then answers: “It’s because we’re the rose.”

For more information on goddess archetypes, take Sahara's quiz and check out her oracle deck and guidebook, A Yogic Path.

[n-guyetdinh-blog]

HOW WAS MONSTA X IN DALLAS COURTNEY KDFNOWer I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT?!?!?! ALso is it as lit as B.A.P concerts (I need to know for next time!!!!)

uhUHhHh as jooheon said, “let’s get lit everybody.” (true statement i swear on my life.)first thing’s first guys i got a fucking sunburn all over my damn legs like i didn’t even know i could burn but holy shit???? also shoutout to the man who gave me the fan?/?/? (bald, outer shirt that says ‘sinner’ on the back, whoever u are) you are my new bias i have left changkyun and lowkeyclosetbiasminhyuk and have decided to be biased with you instead you’re the tru mvp. like, i think i would have actually died lmao it was so fucking hot. my eyeliner literally melted off my face. also shoutout to the girls dancing in the lot. they were hecka talented and incredibly beautiful and i want to marry all of them.-hello all so what i have learned from this concert is that i may be a minhyuk bias i don’t know what happened but i’m just here to tell you that-minhyuk-is-an-angel-from-heaven-shownu literally said, as his intro, “hello ladies and gentlemen” #same-speakin of awk mh was so cute he was like “nice to meet you dallas i’m minhyuk” and he did these little curt waves to everyone (those awk little waves he does idk how to explain he’s so cute osmfa)-changkyun spoke so much english and he quite literally ruined me i don’t think i’m alive anymore-his voice-his personality-his everhting-he’s just-cries-while talking about who personifies “beautiful” the most, wh stepped up and ck was like “go back to your seat please” (#me)-right after ^ jh goes “make some noise for his muscles”-”his muscles is (are) beautiful”-sn: ”hyungwon is little bit sick. but he now…very…better….now…. i.m pls” (i love his plea for help–you’re doing gr8 babe) / ck: “uh, he’s getting better so you don’t have to worry about him, okay guys?”-wh pushing everyone and then they all started like…jump kicking….and roundhouse..kicking….???-mh was like “the king of aegyo is–???” and mbb were screamin out jooheon but then kihyun highkey threw him into the pit and was like “minhyuk!” so there’s that-mh’s “oh my god~” that was supposed to be an imitation of dallas mbbs haha rip-ck’s “this concert name is beautiful and you guys are so beautiful so beautiful girls~~ all over the world~~“-mh’s “namja aegyo” that used kh-mh was like “for example…/pats kh/ man”-ck was like, lmao sassy bean he is, “ofc he’s a man, ofc. he’s a man. he really is!”-for the namjaegyo mh just walked up to kh, “hi guys,” put his arm on his shoulder and goes: “you are….mine” /pushes hi away lightly/ and then kh is just like staring out at us like in the office when they stare at the camera and they’re just like wtf yea that was kh-ck highkey fooling the entire fucking audience and was like “lol shownu is in the back!!! in the audience!!!” but he wasn’t fuckin troll ass piece of shit i love him-jh forcing kh into an english ver of gwiyomi and he was the cutest thing on the planet-btw-kihyun-is-tiny.-tiny-he is smol please protect him at all costs-kh was singing a “romantic song” for us and the rest of the members just like highkey started walking away lmao-i would fight anyone to protect him-MINHYUK’S LITTLE “THANK YOU THANK YOU” “I LOVE YOU” AND “OK” NEAR THE END DESTROYED ME PHYSICALLY EMOTIONALLY MENTALLY HE IS THE CUTEST THING ON THIS PLANET I AM DEAD-from zero is a blessing from the gods above-wonho is actually the cutest-????-his giggles are the cutest thing-he played around the most and he was just a ray of sunshine and hope and joy and everything good in the world he’s so adorable-i forgot what song but his mic kind of died and he noticed and when it came back on he just kinda fell into giggles and iT HURT ME-I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW ADORABLE HE IS-everything he did was just so cute-he’s also hecka cheesy-but then he tryna be nekkid make up ur m ind-after mh did aegyo wh was like “if we talkin romantics it’s mh” and mh was like (in english) “i’m done, i’m done) lmao-hi also jh&kh’s duet stage actually ruined me-like-i was close to tears-and also-i was speechless-chANGKYUN IN THAT WHITE SHIRT AND MINT PANTS FUCK HE LOOKED GOOD-sn/wh/mh/ck making fun of kh’s rapping from the duet-wh kept saying “it’s a joke~” after everything he said smh-wonho asked if we ate dinner yet and we said no and he was like what??? no???? and we were like no and then he asked if we came from somewhere far and we screamed yes and he was like “does anyone live further than i do” lmao he got us-“we, monsta x, will fight for you forever” way to ruin my life ck-wh tryna pour water on ck’s head-jooheon’s everything-jooheon is everything and more-jooheon is indescribable i can’t-his voice when he said “lemme see ur aegyo” ogsg-wh threw a sweat towel out in the crowd and at the end mh did the same thing and got a reaction and kh looked at him like wtf why did they scream and he kinda just explained it to him, on stage, in the middle of a performance, and kh’s lines were next, and honestly it was so, fucking, cute, omg-changkyun told us “concentrate, concentrate…shhhh” and i–-chANGKYUn WAS LIKE “THE FRONT OF MY BABIES” LIKE EXCUSE ME?!?! (referring to the mbbs at the front)-shownu is as awkward a grandpa dad irl as he is in varities and vlives-and i love it-he’s perfect-he’s honestly so adorable-idk if anyone has a video of it yet but like changkyun’s voice when he was like “it was so romantic” i cried-at the end when they bowed they did this little cute thing where they all held hands and moved around the stage in a line like elementary school kids it was ridiculously cute-honestly none of this is in order i haven’t slept in 48 hours i had to drive 8 hours it’s just-the tapes were so cute oml but you can just find those online it’s the same for all the concerts but like let me tell you hyungwon looked soOOoOof ucking good also that one part where he’s like “man is it just me or do i look good today” and mh goes “what are you talking about you look good everyday” and i was like oh ok-i really missed hyungwon tbh we love you come to dallas next time bb-tihs is all i can remember i’m dyingas for whether it was more or less “lit” as a b.a.p concert–idk. i think mx and b.a.p have completely different dynamics that make them fun to watch. b.a.p’s concerts are pretty much known for being really well thought out and really immersive. they have a lot of shit going on on stage lmao and it’s like an Artistic Masterpiece to watch tbh. b.a.p’s performances are 100% spot on what is a backup track we only sing live 500% performance based the entire stage is used with 3204982304924 backup dancers if needed, basically, b.a.p are extra as fuck (and i love it). that said, it doesn’t really make me think it’s particularly better than monsta x’s. because b.a.p’s concerts are very, very performance based, the talk sessions are usually shorter and less interactive unless it’s an event session (it makes sense when you integrate the b.a.p personalities and group dynamics into it tbh), but monsta x had a lot of little breaks to talk and make the concert a lot of fun. monsta x take the time to play around with each other and stuff during the talks whilst b.a.p does it during the performances where they don’t have as much choreo; in exchange, monsta x don’t really stray from the main choreo (except for a few cute things). i don’t know if i’m explaining this well bc it’s like literally 6am and i got home an horu ago and i haven’t slept in sooooOoo long but basically monsta x and b.a.p have different concert styles and i think both are really awesome. also!! monsta x uses the whole stage (not naming group names but one group i went to see didn’t use the whole stage and only took up like 1/3rd of it for the entire time and it really bothered me bc it looked awkward)!!! and, similar to b.a.p, they sound a million times better live. like. i can’t. plus, again, like b.a.p, they’re far more beautiful than you think. you’ll go in thinkin’ you know what they look like but girl no. no camera can truly portray the etherealness of these members, b.a.p or monsta x. definitely go to an mx concert in your lifetime you won’t regret it. the members are so fun and enjoyable and their performance skills are great and i love all of them sm and they’re perfect. their concert style may not be the same as b.a.p’s but i promise you’ll def enjoy a mx concert ;v;

[actuallyameriphan]

92 Questions

So, @maewritesfanfic tagged me, thanks Mae!

The Last…

•Drink: Apple Juice •Phone Call: To my friend just so he could tell me that people used to have to only call •Text Message: To the same friend ^: “Alright.” •Song you listened to: Cabinet Battle #2 from Hamilton •Time You Cried: Last week when I was saying goodbye to my family to go on a trip

Have You Ever…

•Dated Someone Twice: Ha, ha, ha. I’ve been single my whole life. •Been Cheated On: Nope. •Kissed Someone and Regretted it: I was 5, okay? •Lost Someone Special: Yep. Family members and pets. •Been Depressed: Thankfully, no. •Gotten Drunk and Thrown Up: I’m underage, firstly. •Three Favorite Colors: Blue, Red, and Black.

In The Last Year, Have You…

•Made Friends: Yep! Most are online friends, but that’s ok. •Fallen Out of Love: Kinda, sorta? •Laughed Until You Cried: Last month when I was playing Cards Against Humanity with friends. •Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: I haven’t. •Met Someone Who Changed You: Yup! •Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: Yes! I love them so much. •Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: Ha, I don’t have Facebook.

How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life?

Refer back to the last question.

Do you have any pets?

I WISH

Do you want to change your name?

YES. I would in a heartbeat. Nobody can pronounce it. (Gracie isn’t my full first name.)

What did you do for your last birthday?

I went to Provo, Utah. I also hung out with my cousin and her husband.

What time did you wake up?

8:17 AM

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Looking at memes.

Name something you cannot wait for.

Halloween (lol).

When was the last time you saw your mother?

Last Wednesday.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?

Who I’m related to.

What are you listening to right now?

My family’s conversation.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?

I don’t think so?

Something that is getting on your nerves.

People calling me “Grace”. Like, that’s not my name.

Most Visited Website:

Tumblr

Elementary School:

Carpenters. (Which is weird because Mae went to a school with the same name…)

High School:

Haha, y'all will find where I live. So no.

College/University:

BYU Idaho (hopefully)

Hair Color:

Brown with blue/green tips.

Long or Short Hair:

Long-ish? It’s a little longer than shoulder length.

Do you have a crush on somebody?

Well, yeah.

What do you like about yourself?

My hair, personality, knowledge about random stuff.

Nickname?

My friends call me Squish lol

Relationship Status:

HAHAHA! It’s nonexistent.

Zodiac:

Cancer

Pronouns:

She/Her

Favorite TV Show:

Sherlock! Or Death Note 🤔

Tattoos:

Nope, I don’t think I’ll get any either.

Right or Left Handed:

Right. I wish I was left handed because most of the world is right handed anyway.

Surgery:

I broke my arm about 8 years ago, does that count?

Piercings:

None.

Sport:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

No, but I wanna join the softball team at school.

Vacation:

Somewhere in Europe.

Shoe Preference:

Converses for days.

Eating:

Right now, nothing. But I do want some food…

Drinking:

Once again, currently nothing. But I do like myself some water.

I’m about to:

Go eat food?

Listening to:

Nothing.

Waiting for:

THE ONE MAGICAL DAY I GET TO MEET MY IDOLS

Want:

Food, to meet my idols, a boyfriend, etc.

Get married?:

HAHA WHO’S GONNA MARRY ME

Career:

I wanna be either a detective or an author.

Your Type:

•Hugs or Kisses? Hugs all the way. •Lips or Eyes? Eyes. •Shorter or Taller? Taller, please. •Older or Younger? Older. •Nice Arms or Nice Stomach? How about both. •Sensitive or Loud? Middle ground. •Hook Up or Relationship? Relationship, duh. •Troublemaker or Hesitant? Middle ground again.

Have You Ever…

•Kissed a Stranger: Nope. •Drank Hard Liquor: Underage, remember? •Lost Glasses: No. •Turned Someone Down: Many times. •Sex on First Date: Absolutely not. •Broken Someone’s Heart: Yeah, probably. •Had Your Heart Broken: Many times, yes. •Been arrested: Nope. •Cried When Someone Died: Yes. •Fallen for a Friend: Too many times.

Do you believe in…

•Yourself: Haha, nice joke. •Miracles: Yeah, I guess. •Love At First Sight: 100% •Santa Claus: Nope. •Kiss On The First Date: Depends. •Angels: Sure, why not?

Current Best Friend’s Name:

Isabella, Sariah, or Saige is my best friend.

Eye Color:

Hazel! Though, they’re more green than brown.

Favorite Movie:

Beauty and the Beast (Live Action)

I tag: lol I have one Tumblr friend and she tagged me so…

Once again, thanks to Mae for tagging me.