#i used canva to salvage this

[theultimatekamehamehavoc]

Byakuya when he sees a poor person Vs Byakuya when he ingests the commoner caffeine

He got dared to chug them.

[lalunanymph]

ΉΣЯ & ƬΉΣ ƧΣΛ

༊ you ask rafayel how lemurians reproduce, and he can't wait to show you

✯ warnings; rafayel x fem!reader, established relationship, MONSTERFUCKING, switch!rafayel, switch!reader, rafayel's lemurian form, sex underwater, reader is coded to be feminine (wears a dress and lingerie), mentions of alien genitalia, rafayel calls reader 'master' once, petnames (my little conch shell, my queen, baby, my love, miss bodyguard), size kink (reader is obvs smaller than him, he's a goddamn mErmAID), OVIPOSITION, dirty talk, language, breeding, girl on top position, missionary, reader sucks his merman cock (lmao), dubious breathing underwater methods, mentions of food, mentions of alcohol, suggestive content, slight spoilers for rafayel's myth if you squint, mild angst

✯ istg i am a zayne girlie but something about rafayel just makes me go feral

"𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐎 𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐃𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐒?"

The question stunned Rafayel from taking a bite of his souffle pancakes, his fork pausing from its journey into his now lax mouth. Sunlight continues streaming in past the French windows; the patrons of this cafe going about their day, oblivious to the malfunctioning celebrity artist amongst them.

A glob of whip cream freefalls off the metal tines and onto his plate. Those magnetic pink-blue eyes flash with a multitude of colors—like a sea-worn rock under the brilliant sun. 

However, as fast as your question hit him, he overcame it; no one could say that Mr. Rafayel, the art world's maverick and media-trained connoisseur, was slow in recovering his wits.

His signature teasing smile in place, Rafayel placed his fork back down onto the table.

Across from you, two friends were speaking in low tones and judging from their expression, unpacking their love lives with the sombreness of a priest reciting a divorce rite.

Rafayel blinked, tilting his head to the side. 

"Why would you ask, Miss Bodyguard?" 

He casually slung an arm over the back of his chair, a million dollar smile gleaming and ready. "Or, has something struck your most vivid imagination?" 

Laying it on thick, he couldn't even begin to disguise the gleam of his teeth—shining like the incisors of a great white after smelling fresh blood in the ocean. 

"I never thought you would be so sugges—ouch!"

Rafayel winced, and doubled over, rubbing his shin under the table. "What was that for?" 

You huffed, and fixed him a glare. "Don't embarrass me." 

"I was just joking."

"Wasn't funny." 

"Yeesh. You're really wound up about this, huh?" 

That infuriating smirk was plastered back onto his face; his boyish features making something in your chest squeeze. 

"Shut up and answer the question." 

He pretended to ponder on it for a moment. More color illuminates his stunning amethyst irises. Shining like jewels, only he knew the value of his true thoughts. 

Before you could retract your question and salvage this bright afternoon, Rafayel surprises you with his next words.

"Why don't I show you, my little conch shell?" 

You freeze. Scanning the area, you wondered if this was the right conversation to be having in such a brightly lit area. Granted, you and Rafayel were past the carnal stage —after being together for close to a year, your bodies were well-worn maps that lips and fingers could retrace and discover any time.

Fighting back a laugh, you shake your head.

"Is this another one of your racy propositions again?"

Rafayel merely smirked. "If that is how you wish to see it." 

Seriously now, you counter, "Will I have paint in my hair again?" 

Memories flash in your mind; of a large canvas, soft candlelight, and streaks of paint on the most random parts of your body found weeks after the deed was done. 

Your lover sits back, using one slender finger to cross over his heart. "I promise your hair won't go through such torment anymore." Despite your best efforts, your eyes trail to his broad chest, and the enticing V of his defined pecs.

As if sensing your eyes on him, Rafayel's mirth grows. "Looks like you can't resist much longer, I'll make you a deal—" 

He leaned in close—much too close—and you could smell the vanilla on his breath; the sunlight glinting off those purple irises softening with a look of warmth only he held for you.

"—come with me tonight to Whitesand Bay, and I promise you won't regret it." 

Muggy and balmy in the evening, Whitesand Bay wasn't exactly the ideal meet up spot for Rafayel to finally fulfill his promise and show you how mermaids reproduce. 

But, you showed up anyway.

Dressed in a light, silk dress to combat the heavy heat of the summer night, you cautiously made your way down to the docks, keeping your eyes and ears peeled for Rafayel. 

"You're here." He appeared a moment later, dashing as usual in his white button-down and pristine slacks. Dazzling under the half-light, you allowed him to take your hand and lead you right to a boat.

"We're not going for a to take a deep dive like last time, right?" Hearing the skepticism in your voice, he laughs.

"Of course, not. I paid Thomas a huge bonus last month and told him to buy a speedboat. For us to borrow, if you're curious." 

"Poor Thomas," you mused, letting him hold you close to his side as he helped you atop the board. "His boss is a tyrant... asking him to use his bonus for such lavish nonsense."

"Is it really a lavish nonsense if I get to have you here?" 

Rafayel's sincerity struck you mute. He breezed past your shocked figure, unaware of the effect he has on you. "Well? Are you going to continue mocking my methods of employment or are we going to do this?" 

Even though his chest was puffed and voice full of bravado, you could tell your sweet artist boyfriend was struggling with his nerves. The tips of his ears were bright red, a faint shadow of a pout on his lips. 

"Raffie," you whisper, taking his hand. He glanced at you, wide-eyed like a fish caught on the bait. "What're you so scared of? It's just you and me."

He lets you rub your thumb across his knuckles, tightening your hold on his fingers.

"I just..." he trails off. "... just don't want you to think I'm a freak. That's all."

Rafayel refused to look at you when he was this vulnerable, and you couldn't help the short giggle bursting past your defenses. He glared, and you quickly reached for his face, touching his cheek.

"Never," you emphasize. "I will never think you're weird. Ever. Besides, if you're a freak then I'm the weirdo in love with you."

Your dopey grin sets something aflutter in his chest, like ripples of ocean waves splashing across a strange shore. Rafayel smirks and takes your hand off his face, choosing to twine his fingers with yours. 

"Shall we make a move, then, my little conch shell?" 

"Rafayel..."

The sight before you stuns you with its splendor. Your beloved boyfriend had gone all out—picnic blankets, lighted candles, flutes of champagne, and spreads of seafood as far as the eye could see... arranged all across the flatbed of this hidden alcove where the sea kisses the land. 

In the distance, the gentle swishes of waves lapping at the shore greeted your ears, its waves illuminated faintly as if lit from within.

"Bioluminescent algae," Rafayel murmurs right behind you. His arms came to wrap around your waist, the heat of his breath fanning right across your exposed neck. "They only appear in the summer when the water is warm." You fight back a shiver, trying not to show how affected you were by his presence. 

"Oh." Dumbly, you weren't sure how to put your thoughts together, much less a coherent sentence. 

Sensing your speechlessness, Rafayel exhaled a laugh. "Come on. We should eat before the food gets cold."

There's a dip in his tone, something tinged with a darker emotion you barely had time to unravel before he was tugging you onto the picnic mat. The food was divine, his personal chefs going all out to satisfy both of your palettes. Conversation flowed easily like the champagne slipping down your throat, coaxing you to release the tightness in your chest in favor of bubbly giggles and flirty smiles.

Rafayel's cheeks were steadily growing pinker, and you were sure he would double over and pass out—forgetting about your brazen question—when you felt his hand on your thigh.

"Would you like to take a swim with me?" 

Memories of seaweed brushing your bare legs, Rafayel’s arms steadily around your waist as he led you past the shoreline fills your mind. Anything cool sounded like a blessing from this heat. 

Plus, he was a pretty good swimmer, as evident from what he truly was. Rafayel would never put you in harm’s way. 

Safe. That was the word. You always feel safe with him. 

“Yes.”

He takes your hand, gives it a squeeze and helps you stand.

Rafayel started to undress first. The hem of his expensive silk shirt reveals the fitted band of his equally expensive slacks—made by the best tailors in all of Linkon. Then, pale skin. It stretches, tightens over defined obliques, abs and then his impressively broad chest. 

Scattered across the sinew and muscle roping his torso were smatterings of moles and beauty marks. 

Someone once told you that these marks were spots past lovers used to love kissing. You idly trace your gaze over the one on his left pec, right over his heart. 

If Rafayel and you had been together in the past, you were sure that the spot over his heart would be your favorite spot to plant your lips on him. 

As furtively as you could, you tried not to gape at him, but completely failed.

Rafayel was a masterpiece made by the gods themselves, and you were the poor fool gaping at his altar; transfixed on the sharp V which led to a light dusting of his happy trail. 

His cock strains behind his slacks, bulging noticeably. You want to reach out and skim your fingers, eager to feel it twitch under your touch. 

"Well?" His gentle amusement tore your thoughts from their sinful vices. "Are you gonna just stare at me or are we going for a swim? Your pick, Miss Bodyguard." 

Showing that you were far braver than you felt, you stood up, shaky hands reaching for the straps of your dress. "Don't look at me." 

A surge of heat flooded your cheeks, your eyes resolutely turned to the side. Obediently, Rafayel followed your orders, though you could hear the cogs turning in his head. It's not like I haven't seen her naked before.  

But, this wasn’t the usual plotting, teasing and flirting you both would indulge in.

Something about the air tonight felt heavier. 

Intimate.

You swore Rafayel could pick up your heartbeat from where he stood. The heat on your cheeks spread down your chest, tingling on your fingertips.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

In nothing but in your lingerie, you shift from foot to foot, feeling too vulnerable and open.

The sky above yawns wide, inky black jaws lovingly unfurling like a spread of velvet sheets. His hand is warm in yours, and you squeeze it, trying to hide how you were trembling. 

“Hey.” Rafayel sweeps you into his arms. Try as you might to fight off the nerves, they bubble up in a short squeak when your face meets his chest. “Relax, baby. You’re shaking like a bubble in the sun… don’t pop just yet.”

You find comfort in his scent—oceanic and musky—breathing him in. 

Do you trust me? Rafayel once asked when you both were drunk on a night out. 

Of course, I do. You flick his nose. Why wouldn’t I trust you? 

Even if I’m different? He fixes you with a look, lucid for someone who had just downed an entire champagne bottle. And I can’t be normal for you? 

Especially because you aren’t normal in the sense of its word… I trust you even more because you trusted me, first. 

Waves lap at your toes, and you shiver at how cool the water is. 

“Easy,” Rafayel coaxes you. He takes the lead, sinking into the soft sand first, never releasing his hold on you. 

You do as he says, a sailor to his siren call, except you knew in your heart you would willingly follow him till the ends of the world.

Once the water was up to your waist, Rafayel exhaled. “Stay here. I’ll be back.” 

You don't have time to protest when he dives into the waves, barely kicking up a spray. Eyeing the softly luminated sea surface, you dip your fingers into the warm water, watching a blue orb float in between your loose fists. 

“Hey.”

Startling, you look up to find him grinning, lilac hair darkened with salt water; holding a bundle of what you thought was tangled hair in his grasp.

“I know you hate the taste of seaweed, but this’ll help when we… get into things.” 

He ends in an awkward note, and you wondered what happened to the once cocky, and sure Rafayel you knew. 

Unfurling his clenched fist, he hands you one single strand. “Eat this. It’ll help you breathe underwater temporarily.” 

“What is it?” you sniff at the strange vegetation. 

“Hydroweed. It gives humans the ability to breathe underwater for up to an hour.”

Putting your faith in his words, you nod. Opening your mouth, you bite into the Hydroweed. 

The briny taste was overwhelming, its tough fibers making it difficult for you to chew. But, you manage to swallow it down. 

Instantly, you felt your throat closing, the air choked out of your lungs. “Rafayel—!” 

Strong hands grab your waist, dragging you under the foamy waves. 

You gasp, about to scream at him to let you go, when you took in your first deep breath underwater.

The world suddenly came to life. Bright blue orbs floated right in front of your face, and you reached for them, in awe at how vivid they glowed now you could see them up close. 

Down in the depths, the waves became hushed murmurs in the background, filling your ears with a ringing silence. 

“Are you okay?” Rafayel’s voice shot through the floating calm like a shout, and you cringed back in shock. 

“Sorry,” he laughs, and pulls you to his side. “It’s way quieter down here than up above because sound travels differently. Strange, huh?” 

You nod, not entirely sure if you could use your voice. As if he read your thoughts, Rafayel chuckles.

“Go ahead and speak, my little conch shell. I can hear you just fine.” 

You take a deep breath. “O-okay.” Growing confident and more comfortable, you relax in his embrace. “It feels… strange. Like you said. But, at the same time, I don’t entirely hate it.”

“Mhm,” he rubs your back, smiling reassuringly and wide. “If there are other Lemurians within a few miles, they can most likely hear you scream.”

His double meaning didn’t register until you felt his palms tracing your hips, teasing down your body to give your ass a fond squeeze.

“Hey—!” 

You swat his hands away, mute with embarrassment. “I-is that why you all live so deep in the sea? For privacy?” 

Rafayel hums. It’s a little off putting how clear his voice sounds, like you were listening to him through a pair of high-grade earphones. 

“Usually, Lemurians mate deep in the trenches where the light can’t find us. It helps to keep things more private and intimate. If not, we travel to other seas uninhabited by our species. I used to know a guy who dragged his wife to the middle of the Atlantic when they were trying for a family.”

Rafayel’s focus ebbs into the distance, a tinge of sadness in his tone that appears whenever he speaks of his long lost people and home. 

You take his hands in yours and squeeze, trying to draw him back from the precipice of his ruined memories.

“We could try…” you trail off, unsure if this was the right thing to say. “...to repopulate it?” 

Like your words were a trigger, you found yourself planted right on the ocean floor, soft sand cushioning your body.

You squeak, quickly darting your eyes to his, arms instinctively wrapping around his shoulders.

Rafayel’s usual glimmering pink-blue eyes were shadowed by a darker emotion; reminding you of glinting shark teeth or a blade of moonlight slicing through choppy water. 

“Don’t say that, baby.” Was it you, or did his voice drop an octave? 

Your Lemurian lover’s low reprimand made a shudder run down your spine, his half-mast eyes causing your stomach to flip.

“You don’t know how those words make me feel… my kind used to reproduce by the dozens—I can’t wait to see you bulging with my babies.” 

Wait… babies? 

With a capital ‘S’?

His mouth lands on yours, hungry and seeking. You kiss him back with as much ardor, lost in the sensations that you almost forgot what he had said earlier.

“Raf… Rafayel—” you gasp when he starts to dig his teeth into your neck, nipping down your jaw and collarbone.

Deft hands unclip your bra, the motion fluid like he has done this a million times before. From the corner of your eye, you see every article of clothing he took off you floating right to the surface; moonlight bouncing off the fragmented surface, playing across the broad expanse of his back. 

Your head swims with fuzzy thoughts long discarded when he pushes the plush fat of your tits together, licking and nipping around your areolas, ignoring how your nipples were already circling with need. 

“Raffie…” You fist his hair, trying to push his mouth to where you need him the most. “Don’t tease me.”

He laughs at your soft whine. “I need to make sure you’re prepared, my love.”

My love. Rafayel only called you that term whenever he was in the thick of his passion; it seems like you were about to witness the cumulation of your innocent question coming true.

Strong hands held you firmly while he eased down your body, planting fleeting kisses on every inch of your skin his lips could touch. 

Down in the deep, gasps and screams weren’t sounds, but vibrations; the sounds escaping your mouth resounding around your entwined bodies.

“Fuck,” Rafayel cussed once he reached the apex of your thighs. “I can’t wait to finally taste you underwater.” 

Barely giving you time to brace yourself, the broad stroke of his tongue melted through your folds. 

Never would you have imagined you would be eaten out right on the ocean’s bed—going deeper and deeper into the neverending blue. 

Rafayel’s lips were wrapped around your nub, sucking and caressing it with his tongue exactly how you liked it. Your smaller fingers sank into his hair, the other entwining with his own above your heart; back arched to give him everything you have.

“S’good,” he murmurs, verging on the edge of slurring. “I love you.”

His name tumbles from your mouth like a primal echo, calling him right to the edge of a bottomless trench.

Rafayel wasn’t afraid; he would traverse the deep beyond for as many chances to be with you as he could.

“Put your legs around my waist,” he whispers in between sloppy kisses back up your body. 

If someone were to tell you that your sweet boyfriend was literally making love to you on the bottom of the ocean, you would tell them a Wanderer had infected their mind.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see his body emanating a faint glow. A distant memory claws past the thin membrane of your barely held together thoughts; moonlight bouncing off pink-blue scales, his unbearable body heat and a pearly sheen misting his eyes.

“Rafayel—” 

The change was imperceptible. At first, you couldn’t feel anything but the sinful sinking of his cock stretching out your cunt. 

Then, it hit you like a freight train.

His waist felt like it was expanding, pushing your thighs further apart. But, when you glanced down the line of your bodies, the length of his legs was replaced by something longer. Bigger. It distinctly had two fins attached to the end, bent at an angle to accommodate the position he was fucking you in.

“R-Rafayel—!” 

“Fuck,” he strains, lining his forehead with yours. “I-I’m scared of hurting you.” 

“N-no,” you force your thick tongue to relinquish the words. “You'll never.”

His skin grew harder under your touch, inches of pale expanses replaced by shiny scales. Minus his face, his limbs, back, chest and torso were completely covered by the armor-like toughness of multiple hardened plates. Where the scales couldn’t touch, they were bonded together by thin layers of lamella, giving his entire body an otherworldly sheen. 

Mesmerized, you titled his face towards you, marveling at the scattering of scales adorning his throat and jaw. 

“Wow,” you murmur, touching them. They weren’t as hard or sharp as you imagined; his scales had a delightful give you couldn't stop pressing down on. 

In response, Rafayel grunts. “Baby… It’s happening.”

You were about to part your mouth and ask him what was, when your eyes shot wide open. 

The place where you both were connected suddenly grew tighter, as if something was pushing against your insides. Your muscles instinctively tried to expel the foreign intrusion, tensing and tightening—it was a shot of fear unlike any other you had ever tasted. 

Panicking, you cried out, “Rafayel, stop!”

Immediately, he ceased rutting into you, breathing heavily. Anguished, pastel eyes peel clapped onto yours, a pearly sheen filming over them.

“Shit… shit, I’m so sorry…”

“What’s happening?” you blurt out, a tremble of fear in your question. “Are you… are you putting e-eggs in me?” 

“Eggs?” he sounds bewildered, and that causes you to be perplexed in turn. Breathing hard, Rafayel’s forehead thumps onto your sternum. He doesn’t refute you or confirm your suspicions. Instead, he takes in a deep, ragged breath, like he was trying to tame down a cresting emotion. “Did you actually think, for a single second, that I was going to leave eggs in you?” 

Before you can even speak, his broad shoulders start to shake. Rafayel’s quiet laughter roused your confusion and indignation; your brows furrowing together because he wouldn’t stop laughing.

“Shut up,” it was your turn to be the whiner in this relationship. “You’re mean. It’s a valid question!” 

“Oh, baby,” he wheezes. One second, he was laughing, and the next, he lapsed into a quiet seriousness, the sudden mood change giving you whiplash. “I would never hurt you like that, my love. Trust me.”

Gently grasping your hand with his, he slips it down both your bodies, right to where you two were connected. “What I meant to show you, my little conch shell, is this.” 

He brings your hand between your own legs. You thought he was going to make you touch yourself, but when you feel something hard and distinctively not flesh-like bump your hand, you flinch back.

“Ssh, don’t be afraid,” he murmurs. “Go on and take a look, my love.”

Again with my love. 

Rafayel was either struck with nerves, or he was completely enamored with you at this moment. 

You licked your lips, tasting salt water on them and cautiously stretched your fingers to feel the strange object up. It was long and girthy, like a penis, except it wasn’t.

Steeling yourself, you risk a peek.

Gone was the smooth, veiny skin of Rafayel’s cock. His human one. 

In its place, was a thick length, riddled with ridges and bumps like an octopus’ tentacle. His very human appendage was always a stunner—slender (like his physique), veiny, with a hooked tip—but the sight before you (that strange and downright alien sight) blew your expectations out of the water. 

Your gasp reverberated around the pressing silence. Rafayel was quiet, waiting for you to speak. In turn, you couldn’t keep your eyes off his new genitalia. 

“Is that…” you struggle to piece together a coherent question. “Is that all… going inside of me?” 

Rafayel grunts. “Unless you don’t want me to, sweetheart.”

You take a moment to gather your thoughts, staring past the crest of his shoulder towards the shimmering, seemingly impenetrable ceiling of a world beyond the bubble you both created.

“I do,” you finally whisper, your confession rippling around the both of you, suspending your forms in an endless wave of mutual ecstasy. “I want this. I want you.”

Rafayel doesn’t bother to waste his time replying. You brace yourself, heels digging into his hips, clinging onto him with all of your strength. 

The first breach of his otherworldly cock inside of you felt like a touch of electricity up your spine. You cried out, nails digging into his scaly shoulders.

“Relax,” he paces you through the sensations. “I need you to relax for me, my love. I can’t get in if you’re this tight.” 

You gulp in a few deep breaths with your eyes screwed shut, and eventually, your heartbeat slows down. Sluggishly cracking your lids open, you catch the gleam in his pink-blue irises; locks of his iridescent hair floating around his serene expression.

The strange sensation was back, easing past your ring of muscle. You choke on a moan, trying to swallow your fear. 

“Ssh,” Rafayel murmurs. To distract you, he leaves feathery kisses on your cheeks, jaw and then, your lips. 

If the bottom of the ocean wasn’t enough to drown you, his kiss would. 

Rafayel… you whisper into the water. 

His name was a prayer dedicated to the Sea Gods on your tongue, your body sprawled out beyond your comprehension. Every line of you was taut with tension, the achingly slow stretch of his appendage plunging deeper and deeper into your heat had your head spinning like a whirlpool was threatening to suck you in. 

“Almost,” his harsh whisper clashes with your breath. “So good for me; you’re doing so good for me, my love.”

“Rafayel,” you mewled, the sea taking your tears. Hiccuping his name, you shudder, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. 

Your fist clamped down on soft sand, your back arched, and finally—finally—you felt his hips clipping yours.

“Fuck.”

The both of you groan in unison. 

His kisses were still warm, flush on your parted lips. Rafayel shunted his hips forward, then back. Repeating the same motion. 

Again. Again. And again.

The sensation was unlike any other you had felt in this world. No cock could possibly compare to the ridges wrapped around his length, the blunt, elongated tip almost touching the deepest part of your body.

“Rafayel,” you cried in a thick voice, like your mouth was filled with cotton. “Oh, God…”

Your tits flushed to his chest, your fingers in his hair and his tongue twining with yours shook your inner world like a deep sea earthquake.

This wasn’t like your usual lovemaking sessions; everything was amplified, more sensitive and tangible.

God, was it all so tangible.

You could physically feel every scaly ridge under your fingertips. His modified cock dragging those ecstasy-inducing bumps across your walls. Even his taste was different underwater; like a briny, primal flavor which coated your tongue. 

“Y/N,” his moan more angelic than what you could handle. “I love you. I love you so, so much—” 

Rafayel choked, and you didn’t need to ask to know he was about to cum. 

The ecstasy of it all wrapped its tendrils around both your embracing bodies; a human and Lemurian entangled in a dance as old as time. 

“I love you,” you cry out, toes curling and your nails raking down his back. Rafayel grunts, and in the dim half-light of the ocean engulfing you, you swore you saw his frantic eyes shine like precious pearls.

The world was closing in, darkness seeping into the corners of your vision. 

You pushed on his shoulder, trying to get his attention; acutely aware that the ache in your lungs wasn’t because of his kisses, but of something else.

Something out of your control.

The call of the surface burned through your lungs, and you opened your mouth, about to scream for him to let you go, when it all slammed into you like a tidal wave.

Darkness exploded, splattering across your mind, and you heard his cry of your name, the sound now echoey and muggy.

There was movement. A sharp tug. What sounded like wind whistling through your ears. 

Through your snatches of consciousness, you were aware of the pushback both your bodies weathered through the wall of water; how the ocean was trying to hold you back.

As soon as the sensation appeared, it was shattered by a golden burst of fresh oxygen.

Gulping in mouthfuls of air, you yelled out in fright, blindly grappling across the writhing dark mess of endless ocean surrounding you. 

Rafayel! Rafayel!

You felt strong arms wrap around you, holding you in his embrace like how a father would cradle his child.

Close your eyes, you thought you heard him murmur in your ear. And don’t open them until I tell you it’s safe to.

Arms clamped around his shoulders and legs wrapped around his waist, your intrinsic fear of the ocean made you trust his word. 

Gently now, you were bobbing across the water, the cool currents rushing across your bare skin. It felt like gelatinous cold drafts constantly hitting every body part. Staying true to his promise, you kept your eyes shut until you felt rough sand on your back; the waves receding from your body to lap at your toes.

Gasping, you peel your eyes open, lid by lid.

The alcove where he took you tonight was back in front of you. 

Rolling onto your front, you tried to stand, but only succeeded in stumbling back onto the sand; losing your sense of balance from countless minutes spent suspended in the ocean's mass.

“Hey, hey. Easy there.”

Rafayel was still in his Lemurian form, and this time, under the dim, flickering lights of the bay’s lanterns, you were stunned into an awe-inspiring disquiet.

The flickering warmth casted shadows over his iridescent scales, those once tough and gray plates under the ocean’s darkness glowing from the inside out with a pink-blue flame.

Half of his tail was still submerged in the water, and you couldn’t help but drag your gaze across the stunning length.

Easily a few feet long, you couldn’t even begin to wrap your head around the mental image of how majestic his entire Lemurian form would look underwater. It was just too bad the Hydroweed’s effects were over before you could even get to the good part.

Your thighs were chafing, drawing attention to your gapingly empty cunt. 

Pulling yourself to your knees, you came chest to chest with him. 

Rafayel’s saltwater soaked fingers grasped your cheeks, titling it up to inspect you. 

Trickles of water seeped down his face, darkening the sand with droplets of wetness.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, fraught and remorseful. “I lost track of time. I could’ve seriously injured you.”

“It’s okay.” The both of you flinched back from how hoarse your voice sounded. Clearing your throat, you struggled to put your mushy thoughts into words. “I… enjoyed it.”

Rafayel dropped his hands, his breathing growing ragged. “I should get back to normal—”

“No!” 

You stunned him with your vehemence, scrambling to grip his shoulders, clapping your crazed eyes onto his widened ones.

You’re acting like a mad woman. 

But, he didn’t say that to you. Rafayel grasped your hands, drawing them to his chest, pouring every drop of attention onto you. 

“I want to… try it… here.” 

You pieced together your incoherent request, and a part of you wondered—dreaded—if you had already lost your mind from the lack of oxygen and crushing deep sea pressure. 

Rafayel stared at you for a moment, unspeaking.

Then, he gently dragged you closer. Before you could even squeak, he had you straddling his waist. 

This time, it was your turn to peer down at him, curtains of your wet hair framing your face.

“Take me, then,” his voice was equally as hoarse as yours, though you suspected it wasn’t from ingesting enough saltwater to fill up your lungs. Trembling fingers touched your face, smoothing across your cheeks. “I’m all yours. I’ve been bound to you since the very beginning. You can take me, I won’t fight back. I told you I wouldn’t that night, don’t you remember? I’m keeping my word now.”

Something about the longing in his tone, how those pink-blue eyes yearned to swim in your soul, brought a lump to your throat. 

“Rafayel…”

Strong hands helped to guide your hips over his cock, easing you down with quiet praises and encouragement.

So good for me, baby. Look at you. Taking me so well. Wish I could paint this moment—you look so pretty. All for me. My love. My love. 

“R-Rafayel!” Thin red lines bloomed on his chest from your nails, your eyes rolling back into your head.

Without the sea’s buoyancy to support you, gravity took over, easing you down his bulbous cock.

Rafayel’s thumb circles your clit, rubbing it gently, soothingly, to get you wetter.

Your body felt like it was about to split cleanly into two—he was much too big for you. 

“C-can’t!” you whisper-cried. “I can’t take all of you—ngh.”

His mouth found your nipples, licking and sucking along the fleshy nubs until they were coated with his spit and tightening obscenely; an erotic outline lit by the bay's dim lantern lights.

“You can,” he mumbled in between your breasts. “I know you can.”

The rough strip of his tongue slid from your sternum towards your neck, pausing right at your pulse point. Sharp bites bloomed on your neck from his teeth, and you shiver from the throbbing pain going straight to your clit. 

That strange, heightening sensation was back. You felt much too sensitive, like a lightning rod trembling from an impending electrical storm.

One touch could’ve made you explode.

Rafayel brought your lips to his, tangling his tongue down your throat; stoppering your cries. 

Warm, smooth, distinctively human palms caressed your hips and thighs. 

Almost in, baby, he whispers in between kisses. I can feel every inch of you. 

You flit your eyes to where both your bodies meet, in mute shock from how deep he already was in you.

“You like it, baby?” he breathes warmly on your jaw. “Like watching yourself sit on my cock?” 

Fuck. Stop teasing me, you want to whine. But, the words won’t slip past your clenched teeth. 

His name bounces across the soft sand, the wind picking up and making you shiver. 

The warm glow of the lanterns spill across his sharp cheekbones, planes of his jaw. You’ve never seen someone look this beautiful under a hazy night sky before.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” you feel him murmur against your lips. “Say the word, baby. We’ll stop.”

You’re panting now, trying hard not to break your progress and having to start over. Rafayel was about halfway inside, and you forced your body to push and receive. 

Guh, you gasp, tossing your head back. 

“Love seeing you stretch yourself out on my cock, baby,” Rafayel mutters hoarsely—passionately. 

The implicit meaning in his words is clear: I love how you give yourself so willingly to me.

For Rafayel, you would do this ten times over until your body memorizes him. Willing your cunt to make a home for his monster cock even if it would break your spine.

“Almost,” he reassures in a low groan. “You feel s’good baby.”

He’s sweating as well, bullets of exertion not to break his composure and fuck into you mingling with the last of the seawater droplets rolling down his temples.

Rafayel, Rafayel, you whimper his name over and over. Oh God…

Something bubbles inside of you, thick and hot. You think you’re about to spill over, thighs shaking from the effort of holding yourself up. 

Your lover groans, low and lusty, his eyes trapped right in between your legs. “You’re so wet—look. Your little pussy loves me, baby.”

You glance to where he’s telling you to look, and nearly pass out from the embarrassment. 

Thick, pearly droplets are oozing down his merman length, and you would’ve thought it was from him had you not felt your walls start to twitch—more wetness gushing and trickling down to stain his pelvis.

The added lubrication made it easy enough for you to bottom out on his cock, and both your mutual cries of ecstasy reverberated into the dark night.

Shit, shit. Too big. You’re too big for me.

“You can take it,” he mouths your earlobe, kissing down your cheek. “Doing so well for me.”

Your breathing trembles, like a question hanging in thin air. Can you fuck me now? 

Rafayel scoffs and bumps his nose with yours gently. “Always making me do the hard work. You really are my spoiled, pretty princess, aren’t you? Or…” his voice drops, the heat in his eyes almost scorching you. “Do you want to be my good girl?”

You gasp: I do. I want to be your good girl.

He hisses when you start to shift your hips, the motion making your clit catch on his pelvis. You mewl, leaning forward to repeat the same motion; trying to chase after that spark of pleasure over and over again.

Those big, smooth palms cradle your face, pushing your hair back.

Rafayel’s jaw is tense, like he’s biting down on some inner demon you can’t see. 

That’s it. That’s my good girl. 

Your nails leave white crescent moons on his pale shoulders as you ride him, every bump and ridge of his cock brushing your sweet spot. He was so deep in you, almost plunging right past your cervix. 

“Fuck,” he curses. “You’re gonna kill me, baby.”

An arm sweeps you right to his chest, your cheek pressed atop his heartbeat. Rafayel thrusts his hips up, meeting your sensual grinding.

Spit pools in the back of your throat, your eyes squeezed shut as you let your Lemurian lover have his way with you. You part your mouth, mellifluous moans touching the air and turning it golden to his reddened ears.

I love you. His whispers against your throat, the sting of his teeth soothed by the sweetness of his praise and adoration. I love you so much, my good girl.

“You fuck me so good,” the words tumble from your split mouth, recklessly thoughtful. “No one can fuck me like you.”

Yeah, he pants, mouthing your pulse point. Cream on this cock, baby. It’s all yours. His hands span across your lower back, traversing down to grip your ass and spreading you wider for him.

Give me everything you’ve got, Princess. 

His cock plunges so deep inside of you, and you were sure that if he came right now, he might’ve knocked you up in one try. 

All yours. Rafayel was all yours. 

You lean up, arms resting on either side of his head as the sand bites into your skin. 

Rafayel thinks he might’ve died and gone to heaven. He watches, mesmerized, as your tits sway right in front of his face. You’re fucking him now, meeting each fluid thrust he had to give; bouncing on his lap like you were riding out a desperate heat.

His thighs tense, and he feels your pussy clench down on him. 

Fuck, you stutter, and so do your hips. I’m close. 

He squeezes your ass, smacks it with both palms.

Your breathing catches, and you ride him even harder. Faster.

“Fuck,” those pretty eyes were hooded, latched on your bouncing tits and stiff nipples. “Look so good fucking me—you love using me, don’t you, Master?” 

You gasp, and Rafayel feels your composure slip when you squeeze down on him. He almost cums right there and then. But, he fights it off, needing to see you lose control first.

The sight of your stickiness frothing at the base of his cock nearly makes him white out in pleasure, getting messier with every stroke of his non-human cock. 

He’s never had a human before in his Lemurian form, but it’s something straight out of a wild, wet dream.

Your skin was so, so soft in comparison to his hard scales that he’s almost afraid of hurting you with them.

But, you prove you’re made of tougher stuff when you lean back, bracing both hands on the girth of his tail. 

Showing off your puffy pussy and glistening hole taking every inch of him like it was made for this and only for this purpose.

He feels himself drowning in you. No one has ever taken him this deep. His mouth falls open, a low grunt touching your hot ears. Good girl… good fucking girl. His praises make you warm all over. You would do anything and everything to earn his devotion. But, Rafayel doesn’t make you do it—he gives it to you freely. One large hand smoothed over your belly, your tits, pinching your nipples and smirking inwardly when you gasp and groan. 

Breathy whimpers resound, his thumb on your clit rubbing out full body shudders. The sky above spins, like he’s being sucked into and about to be spat out of a whirlpool.

His eyes bounce from the softness of your belly, your tits jiggling, and then back down to your pretty pussy taking all of him in.

“Like what you see?” 

Rafayel flits his gaze back up. Your eyes were two pools of smoldering heat, about to burn him alive.

You grab his wandering hand, pressing it right over your stomach. “I can feel you here.” He twitches, and you gasp. “So, so deep.”

Sloppy sounds of your bodies meeting; you were so, so wet and perfect. Your pussy was gushing, fighting between squeezing him out or sucking him in. 

I’m gonna cum, baby, he grunts. The vein in his neck tightens, and your whimper almost sets him off.

Gonna cum so deep inside of you. Make you so round and perfect with my babies. You’re my Queen, aren’t you? My love. I’ll love you until the seas dry up. You’re mine forever. 

It’s that tinge of possessiveness which does you under. You were putty to his deep, gravelly voice; those words of unending devotion and sin.

His thick, dark lashes flutter, those pretty eyes rolling back into his head.

Fuck, baby. He grabs onto your hips, looking for something to steady him. “I need you… I’m gonna cum,” he whines, and it’s pathetic really—how much you’ve affected him.

If he was a lesser man, Rafayel might’ve called you his weakness. But, you were more than that.

You were the reason he woke up in the mornings. The reason he relentlessly pursued the passages of time and space to find you; you were the muse to his madness. 

“Do it for me, baby,” you pant, and fall back into his arms. Chest to chest, lips to lips, every breath you took was exhaled by his own. “Cum for me.”

Make me yours forever, Rafayel.

The world goes white, and your pussy quivers around him, an ending opera note suspended in mid-air.

It comes crashing down, slo-mo turned to a normal pace when time rushes back to engulf your sluggish shore.

His cum fills you up, thicker and running hotter than a human’s. It felt strange; pulsating inside of you, glob after glob. Your pussy shudders and breaks, physical and emotional walls all torn down for him; voice hoarse and edged with mania. Rafayel, Rafayel, Rafayel…

You mumble his name like a prayer while he drags your lips to his, kissing you like an oath.

He feels you shudder around him, growing weaker like a kitten. It would be so easy for him to pierce your neck with his teeth, cut through your jugular with his scales. 

But, Rafayel tames his primal, oceanic urge to destroy, reining it back in favor of nosing your hair.

“Felt so good,” he mumbles tiredly. “Are you okay, my little conch shell?”

You hum, shift your hips. The bulbous head of his cock brushes the opening of your cervix. “I can’t believe I took you so deep.” You drift off and in a few minutes, feel him go from soft to half-hard in you again. 

“Are you still turned on, baby?” you ask innocently, voice soft and frayed with exhaustion. Rafayel swivels his face away, trying to hide his red ears.

“N-no.”

You huff a laugh, using all the strength in your jelly-like limbs to sit up. Something catches your attention, and in the corner of your eye, you pick up the dark strands, fisting it close to your mouth.

Rafayel watches, unsure what you’re intending to do. He sits up, squints, and almost gasps.

That’s enough Hydroweed for you to last a night under the ocean. 

He’s about to stop you, when you ingest it all in one go.

The second you convulse, he pushes you back into the ocean, your gasp of relief second to only his bruising kiss completely devouring your mouth. 

Your legs wrap around his waist, and your back meets the ocean floor again. This time, you take the lead, rolling him off to straddle his waist again. 

Rafayel glances at you, gorgeous pastel eyes hooded. 

He notices how comfortable you’re getting underwater; how easy it is for you to scoot down his torso, your playful smirk making his cock and heartstrings throb. 

“Baby—” he mumbles, only to be cut off by the sight of you kissing his bulbous tip.

Rafayel isn’t a believer of god per say (coming from his own experience as a retired sea deity), but at the sight of your pretty lips skimming his merman tip, he thinks he could give religion another shot. 

What’re you doing? His whisper carries across the currents.

Ssh, you hush him, rimming the tip of your tongue around his flushed head. You don’t miss how his tail twitches, cock now painfully at full mast. 

Isn’t it obvious? You mumble, kissing the tip reverently. I want to taste my Lemurian's pretty cock.

He seizes, back arching, putty in your hands when you take him down as deep as your little throat allows. 

What else you couldn’t fit, you used your hands to jack up and down.

Soft hisses slip past his clenched teeth. “You’re driving me crazy, baby.”

Mhm, you slur, flickering your hazy, fucked out gaze to his flushed face. Tastes so good, you whisper, and Rafayel was glad the ocean didn’t show the line of drool that usually trickles down your jaw; your fucked out expression which would make his control snap instantly. 

You would need to consume at least three more mouthfuls of Hydroweed before he was fully done with you. 

Luckily, Thomas’ yacht came with some fluffy towels.

Rafayel had wrapped you in one while he laid the other under your back; content to curl his tail around you, still in his Lemurian form. The honeywood deck was warm to the touch, the balmy evening offering comfort and respite from hours underneath the cold, dark ocean. 

“So…” he quips, not one for stewing in silence. “Questions? Thoughts? Comments?” 

You fight back a smile. 

“Was there really eggs put up inside of me? Swore I felt a lot of round and hard things sloshing inside.”

“That… would be my tip.” Rafayel flicks your nose when you scoff. “On a scale of one to ten, how freaked out would you be if I said I did actually put some eggs up in your body and it had to be fertilized so the rest would start falling out of you like gelatinous goo until the only one takes?” 

You blink. “Pretty freaked out, if I’m being honest.”

“So… a nine?” 

“More like—” you lifted your hand and made a so-so motion. “—a six, at best. I’m kinda used to your bullshit by now, babe.” 

“Hey!” Rafayel tugs on the ends of your hair, making you laugh. Growing serious now, he murmurs, “So, you’re absolutely fine with being knocked up with a half-Lemurian kid?” 

“Depends,” you mumble mildly. “Am I the first one you’re doing this with?”

Barely missing a beat, he nodded. “The only one. Never had time to sleep around. Always busy running a kingdom. Blah-blah. Typical God of the Sea stuff. No biggie.”

“Aw,” you coo, “I’m so honored you waited for me.” 

You expected him to scoff or roll his eyes, not lapse into a serious quietness. Rafayel’s silence stretched on, and you perched your jaw on his shoulder.

“Hey. Penny for your thoughts?” 

“Hmm.” Rafayel tugs you closer, grabbing your hand and pressing it to his cheek. His lips are inches apart from yours, warm breath touching your parted mouth. You taste him on your tongue, invigorating yet comforting.

A well-worn sign of home. 

“Just that I would do it all over again. Wait for you, I mean. Even if it takes a long, long time.”

A few centimeters and 800 years stand between the two of you. 

But, for tonight, you breach the distance and kiss him, grateful that you had been given this cherished memory together with Rafayel.

— rbs and feedback are appreciated !!

©️ all works belong to lalunanymph. do not copy, repost or translate my work across other platforms.

[saintobio]

blank canvas. (2)

after offering a painful ultimatum to finally be enough for him, things ultimately get worse as he decides between keeping you or losing you as the only resolution.

pairings. ryōmen sukuna, fem!reader

genre. florist x tattoo artist au, mild angst, opposites attract

tags/warnings. strong language, defloration (kinda), explicit smut, undertones of manipulation and gaslighting, toxic relationship, undertones of cheating

notes. 11.2k wc! thanks for the love on bc1, i didn't expect it to gain traction at all but tyty. last part will come soon, but that will be the final chapter to this mini-series.

part 1 | part 3

The ride back home was uncomfortable. 

It wasn’t because you had promised to give yourself to him that night, but rather because his uncharacteristic silence was not what you had expected after delivering your ultimatum. You already proposed a wonderful solution to his needs, so why was he acting like you were the one being ridiculous? This was why you hated it whenever Sukuna chose silence over open communication, as it left you a hard time guessing about what was running through his mind. His expression didn’t offer any clues either, because he did pretty well at concealing his emotions behind a facade of indifference.

When you said you would do it with him, you meant it. But what did he think of it? 

The sharp wind cut through your skin, the roar of his motorbike deafening your ears as your boyfriend accelerated his vehicle upon entering the tunnel. The vibrant yellow lights offered a cinematic view, tempting you to imagine yourself embracing the wind with open arms, though you knew better than to do so. Instead, you held onto him tightly, wrapping your arms around his waist and leaning forward as he sped through the empty lane.

It was nearing midnight, and the sparse traffic allowed Sukuna to indulge in one of his habits: riding his bike in the late hours of the night through this particular tunnel and onto the highway. You knew this ritual helped him clear his mind since it offered a rush of danger that sharpened his focus on the road. His choice to take this route tonight also only confirmed to you that he was grappling with internal thoughts. The last time he rode this fast was when your parents made you choose between them and him, slapping it in his face that he was and would never be welcomed in your family. 

To be honest, it frightened you. The speed at which he was riding was dangerous for both of you. Moreover, his bike was a YZF-R1, although street-legal, it was still a high-performance sport bike more suited for the track. It required agile and precise handling with its 1000cc engine. Yet, no other vehicle seemed more fitting for Sukuna than this. 

Whatever was on his mind, he didn’t care to let you know. You two didn’t really speak throughout the ride while you clung to him like a backpack, praying in your head that you two wouldn’t get into an accident. Thankfully enough, he did safely take you home as you arrived at your shared apartment at exactly midnight. 

“Please don’t ride like that again,” you muttered as he helped you out of his motorbike. “You could’ve gotten us killed.” 

His fingers then reached to unclasp your helmet, pulling it up to reveal your face. “Well, we’re still alive.” 

You looked at his face despite his best effort to avoid yours, standing centimeters apart while he switched off the engine. He didn’t return your gaze as though he was drowned by guilt. Should you speak at this? Or should you let him do it first? 

“Baby.” After a minute or so, it was your boyfriend who sighed and finally gave in, pulling you close and resting his forehead against yours. He kept his eyes closed even when he was cupping your cheeks. “You don’t have to do this.” 

Yes, you certainly shouldn’t. You didn’t have to do things unwillingly, but that wouldn’t change the fact that this on-going issue was putting a strain on your relationship and this would be your last shot at trying to salvage it. And you couldn’t have him looking for sensual gratification from anyone else other than you, so what other option did you have, really? 

“I want to do it.” 

“Not if you’re forcing yourself like this.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Who said I’m forcing myself?”

“Your face tells me you are,” replied he, staring at your face in defeat. “So, let’s not—”

“What, and let this issue haunt us over and over?” You smiled bitterly, shaking your head adamantly. “This has to be done. I need to experience it so I’ll finally understand.”

Understand what? His face almost spelled out those words, but he chose not to say anything of the sort and instead leaned in to kiss your forehead. “Alright. I’ll make it memorable.” 

— —

Easier said than done, of course. You kept overthinking about whether your performance would be satisfactory to him given that you didn’t have enough experience to learn anything at all, aside from the make out sessions that you did once in a blue moon. Around thirty minutes of your time was spent hyperanalyzing your situation in the shower, while the other half of it was spent doing a little more than your nightly routines. Since Sukuna liked powdery scents, you placed a good effort in applying lavender-scented oil and perfume on every inch of your body. You also shaved any unwanted hair, especially on all the intimate places you knew he would be seeing. And by the time you were done, you stepped out of the bathroom blooming like a fresh flower, wrapped in nothing but a thin towel that hugged your womanly figure. 

It didn’t feel right at all. It didn’t feel good knowing that you were preparing yourself like that, when these things should only happen on the first night after your wedding. It didn’t feel great that you were going to lose your virginity to a man who had not even proposed to you. This wasn’t even your honeymoon, but you had to pretend like it was. 

Did Sukuna feel the same? 

He wasn’t lying in bed when you walked out of the bathroom. Instead, he had just returned from outside—shirtless, wearing his favorite gray sweatpants, and holding a box of condoms and a tube of lube in his hand. It was clear he had made a quick visit to the convenience store nearby and got the essentials for your first night.

Immediately, he eyed your towel-wrapped body with restrained lust, clearing his throat as he walked towards the nightstand. “You look nice.” 

Really? Did he really have to make this more awkward than it already was? 

“Thank you,” was all you could softly reply. It was funny how he pretended to be busy placing the box and tube above the bedside table instead of lunging at you like a desperate man. But because you wanted to get this over with, you were the one who approached him from behind, wrapping your arms around his waist, and touching the firmness of his abs. For someone who had zero experience, you were definitely trying hard enough and that should please him. “You have to help me out here, my love. Guide me.” 

When Sukuna turned around, your heart started racing. Of excitement? Maybe. Of anxiety? Perhaps. He made it better though when he finally caved in and looked straight into your eyes, tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear before lifting your chin with his hand. “You smell extra nice, too,” he added, leaning close enough that you could feel his warm breath fanning your face. 

You were feeling it now. The equal lust. The carnal desire. The feeling of his sweet kisses, which he made true as soon as he crashed his lips onto yours. His kisses usually ranged from tender to rough, but this time, it was an altogether different type of kiss. It was passionate and demonstrative, as if showing you exactly what he had been wanting to do to you the first time you got together. This must be the result of being celibate in over a year. He was clearly a man deprived of sexual pleasure, and you were responsible for it. You actually turned him into a monk. 

Now, he wasn’t holding anything back anymore. With his hand on your nape, he deepened the kiss to the point where you could feel his tongue exploring your mouth. You followed whatever he was doing like a good girl, like a very good girl, as he completely devoured your mouth with his. It didn’t take long for him to advance his kisses in other places too, being your jawline his next target, and then your neck as he feathered kisses around the soft flesh, leaving marks that would need a few days to be concealed. 

Because his arms were tight around your waist, yours were locked around his neck. Where else should you be putting them? What does the girl usually do in this situation? You tried not to think much of it and listened to your own body while your boyfriend was sucking the skin around your collarbone. At first, your hand traced his toned chest, then it moved southwards to feel his abs, and further down to his…

“Y-You’re hard.” Your eyes widened as you felt his growing erection behind the fabric of his sweatpants. It wasn’t your first time seeing his boner, but it was the first time you touched it with your own hand. It was the first time you had your palm stroking his length, swallowing hard as you realized just how hard and thick he was. 

“It wants to be inside you,” he whispered through your mouth, kissing you back again, “so bad, baby.” 

Gosh. Your knees felt weak and you two hadn’t even really started yet. How much more when he starts putting that thing of his inside you? You were breathing hard, trying to catch air as your boyfriend continued to lap his tongue with yours, guiding your hand to continue fondling his wood while it grew bigger the more stimulated it got. By letting you touch his hardened crotch together with his own, you realized that you had just unlocked a newfound fetish of yours. “D-Do you… do you think about doing it with me often?”

He bit your lower lip before pulling away, animalistic eyes sending you into an orbit of pleasure. “Do you mean if I touch myself to the thought of you a lot?” he teased, chuckling darkly at the obvious heat on your cheeks. You couldn’t help but feel excited at how vulgar he could be with his words. “I do jack off a lot, angel. And it’s always you in my mind.” 

You didn’t even have the time to melt from his words, because before you knew it, he was already peeling the towel off your body to reveal your completely naked figure. Obviously, your first reaction was to get shy—with your heated cheeks, your inability to look him in the eyes, your little efforts in covering your breasts and crotch, but he made sure to pull your hands away while keeping his eyes on you. “…Don’t stare.” 

Sukuna, however, didn’t listen. His dark eyes scanned every curve of your body, particularly around your chest area before he sighed and threw his head back. “Fuck,” he cussed under his breath. “You’re so fucking sexy. I can’t believe no other punk has seen you like this.” 

Your confidence grew little by little because of his praises. “But isn’t that a good thing?” 

“For sure.” He almost laughed at his own words, more so in disbelief, before he reached out to touch your bosom. “No one can touch you like this, either, baby.” 

“That’s—”

“Hmm?” Your boyfriend smirked at your reaction. While his other hand went to squeeze your breast, the other traveled to your bum, squeezing the cheek with equal fervor. “Can I have a taste of you, baby?”

He fondled your breasts with both hands now, massaging the rounded mass like they were his property. You had to admit to yourself that the feeling of being touched actually transcended your expectations. Or maybe it was only because of how erotic it was, but you couldn’t deny how turned on you were as his veiny, manly hands cupped your bosom. 

And as soon as you nodded and permitted him to ‘taste’ you, he took no time in gently pushing you down the mattress, allowing you to lay at a comfortable position under him and his wanton stare. Taste you? He was more like eating you, when he pinned you against the mattress and sucked the skin on your chest. At first, his tongue rolled along your cleavage, inching closer and closer to your right breast while he had his hand squeezing the left. Your body naturally gravitated towards him as you arched your back so he could have better access to your chest. Not only your chest, but also your crotch as he started grinding his clothed manhood in between your folds. 

“Mm…”

Sukuna’s mouth was on your breast now, suckling on your flesh and playing his tongue around your nipple. You couldn’t tell if it was pleasurable or painful because his tongue felt ticklish on your skin, but the suction definitely was an entirely different feeling. Both weren’t bad, anyway. They were just new to you. But even if they were foreign, you were curious and all the more interested, studying every little thing he was doing with your body and trying to make mental notes out of it. 

Maybe you should have watched porn. That way, you could have been more aware of the step-by-step process of having sex. Who knew there were steps to follow at all? You didn’t think that foreplay could draw this much delay in your session because all you thought was that he was going to insert his cock straight inside you as soon as he saw you naked. 

With all the touching, fondling, and kissing… what were you supposed to do? He was doing all the work here. 

“Baby,” you spoke softly, staring at the ceiling, “C-Can I… touch you?” 

Instead of pulling away, his mouth latched onto your left boob, giving it the same attention before moving south. “Not yet.” 

When he said that, you didn’t expect his hand to land on your crotch. Your heart was thumping at an irregular rhythm as you felt his fingers moving in circles around your bud, playing with your clit before spreading your folds apart. “Nghh—!” you let out an embarrassingly loud moan, eyes widening at the sound of your voice, but your boyfriend shushed you by placing a peck on your lips before spreading your legs into a V. 

“You’re so wet,” he said, pointing out the obvious as he positioned himself in between your legs, spreading your labia to reveal your entrance. Something about the situation made you increasingly self-conscious, but his undeniably hungry gaze kept you from covering your most sensitive area. It seemed like he was enjoying the sight of your pussy, especially with how wet and ‘untouched’ it was. “Your pussy’s so pretty, baby,” he mumbled, lowering his face closer to the area, “Can’t wait to put my dick inside it.” 

You whimpered at the feeling of his tongue in between your folds. No, you couldn’t even think straight after he started teasing your vagina, alternating between flicking his tongue around your bud to french kissing your entrance. His tongue was so deep in your cavern that you were raising your hips involuntarily, going insane from the pleasure it sent your body. Your hands even gripped the sheets and your back arched into a C as you held back from moaning like a wild animal. At some point, the slurping sounds and the feeling of his mouth kissing your vagina had your legs shaking. 

Though, you could ask yourself: what turned you on the most? Was it him actually eating your pussy or just the idea of him doing it? 

And just when you thought he was done, he replaced his mouth by inserting a finger inside your cunt, garnering a much louder whimper out of you. “B-Baby!”

“Does it hurt?” he asked, eyes locked with yours as he slowly moved his middle finger in and out. “It’s so tight.” 

“It hurts…” You nodded, feeling his finger moving in circles inside your cunt as though he was trying to get a feel of your walls, measuring the tightness and such. 

He kissed you for a good minute. “Relax, angel. Don’t clench too much.” 

Clench? You didn’t even know you were doing such a thing. “How to…?” 

“Just relax.” Sukuna placed a hand on your abdomen, pressing it down while he was inserting yet another finger inside of you. “This’ll help you prepare so it won’t hurt as much later.” 

Now, you were goddamn nervous. What did he mean it wouldn’t hurt as much? Because you were overthinking the pain of having him his actual cock inside of you. If you couldn’t even bear having his two fingers inside you, how much more with his clearly thick shaft? It was ridiculous to feel both anxious and yet aroused at the same time. Anxious, because you knew he could rip you open. Aroused, because his fingers were currently doing a great job at hitting your most sensitive spot. Whatever it was that he was reaching, it was certainly sending waves of ecstasy throughout your body. 

His fingers continued to move. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Around. When he pulled his digits out, he sucked the juices on them, tasting every drip of your essence from his fingers. “Sweet.”

Were you? You started to get curious at how he tasted, too. Sweet? Salty? Bitter? You seemed to be moving on autopilot when you pulled yourself up and sat in bed on your knees. “Your turn?” 

You asked the question as if you knew what you were doing, which was why Sukuna found it adorable and humorous at the same time. He did help you pull down the sweatpants that had been covering his erection for what felt like eternity, only to reveal a monstrous size that sprung out of the garment. 

Holy fuck was all you could say. 

He stood at the edge of the bed, a devilish smirk displayed on his saintly face as he saw the length of his cock compared to your face. You obviously hadn’t seen many cocks in your lifetime to be able to compare his size, but in your eyes, he was definitely big. He was girthy. He was lengthy. He was veiny. Meaty. 

“Wanna suck it for me, baby?” he encouraged, pumping his shaft while looking at you. Fuck. “Open your mouth.” 

You did as told, wrapping a hand at the base of his length while placing his tip on your mouth. You pressed your tongue flat on the surface of his tip, rolling your tongue around the head as if it were a lollipop. Was that what you were supposed to do?

“Eyes on me.” His voice deepened an octave. And it was also raspier. 

Why did he want you to look up at him? It was already embarrassing. 

“I said, eyes on me, angel.” He grabbed your chin and forced you to lock eyes with his darkened ones. Damn. No wonder girls were desperate to see him in his shop every single day. This was probably what they had been daydreaming about. “Suck my cock.” 

In your head, you became a slut. In reality, you were still a shy, inexperienced virgin who didn’t know what to do. You relied on his instructions and looked at his expressions to know if you were doing a good job and to see what he liked and didn’t like. He definitely liked it when you sucked the head, liked it even more when you started to let him go deeper in your mouth, and surely liked it a hell lot better when you gagged after his cock hit the back of your throat. But in spite of the string of saliva that left your mouth after gagging from his cock, his arousal only grew harder, this time holding your hair in his fist as he began thrusting his hip forward. You were bobbing your head at a rhythm that satisfied him, feeling the stretch on your scalp as he tightened his grip on your hair. 

“Tighten your mouth around it,” he instructed, fucking your mouth senselessly like hitting your throat was driving him nuts. Your eyes were already filling up with tears because of your urge to gag again, but you didn’t think it would be a good idea to stop now while he was just starting to pleasure himself. 

This was the first time in your life to give someone a blowjob, and you weren’t sure what to make of that experience. It personally didn’t give you pleasure, but you liked hearing his desperate moans. You liked hearing him curse and get vulgar with his words. You liked seeing him get rough. His taste, on the other hand, was somewhat a different experience. Since you were only sucking his flesh, it was a tad bit salty at first contact but didn’t taste anything much after tongue got used to the skin around his shaft. Perhaps his cum would have a stronger flavor, though it looked like he had no plans in releasing his load into your mouth as he pulled his member out. 

“Fuck it,” he grunted, gently pushing you back and spreading your legs wide open again, “I wanna feel your pussy so bad. Can I fuck you raw, babe?” 

All those condoms, and he wanted to have you raw? 

“But… I don’t wanna get pregnant.” 

His face was full of assurance, shaking his head and denying any chance of knocking you up. “You won’t be. I’ll pull out, I just… I have to feel you raw the first time. I have to.” 

“Okay…” 

You were nervous as hell. You had butterflies in your stomach, your heart pounding in your chest like a drumbeat you couldn’t silence. You had imagined this moment countless times, but now that it was here, the reality of it was too overwhelming. Your mind yet again raced with a whirlwind of doubts and insecurities, and every nerve on your body seemed to be on high alert while you watched him getting occupied with rubbing his entire length with lube, ensuring a smooth entrance inside you. 

He was nervous too, right? You couldn’t be the only one. You couldn’t be. 

You just wanted everything to be perfect. To show him how much you cared. To feel that you were enough. But the thought was paralyzing. Tonight was more than just physical intimacy; it was a step forward in your relationship, a moment of connection you wanted so badly to cherish. This first intimate encounter should be filled with love, respect, and mutual understanding. 

But what if after this, he’d come to realize that you weren’t the one? What if he’d get disappointed and tell you that you weren’t worth it? What if he’d leave you for someone else who could pleasure him better? What if, after you had given yourself to him, no one else would ever appreciate you anymore? 

You wanted this, didn’t you? You wanted to feel the heat of his touch, the intensity of his gaze, the intimacy of your connection. You wanted to explore this uncharted territory with him, to dive headfirst into the unknown and discover what lay on the other side. But were you really ready for this? Did you truly want this? Would it be everything you had imagined, or would you regret losing your virginity to him?

The fear of inadequacy gnawed at your confidence as Sukuna positioned himself back in between you, his tip rubbing at your slit a couple times before he finally sunk it into your entrance. 

“Haaa—!” 

“Shh. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

“N-No, I—!”

It felt like your walls were being stretched so painfully, like your flesh was being torn open in the most agonizing way. This was not the kind of pain you pictured out when he put his member inside. Sukuna even tried to grab hold of your hips to keep you steady, but you were withdrawing your hips back, wanting nothing but for him to remove his cock. 

“It hurts… It hurts… please, stop. Please!” 

“Baby, I’m trying to be gentle—”

“I SAID STOP!” 

Both of your eyes widened at the same time, and that was the only time you two were ever in sync. He was clearly shocked by your outburst, while you yourself were surprised at how you raised your voice at him. Neither of you expected that situation. As a result, he did pull away and completely withdrew himself from you. 

Frustration was evident on his visage and he couldn’t even hide it anymore. “Fuck this,” he spat in exasperation, taking a deep breath as he reached to slip his sweatpants back on. “I knew it.” 

“No, I…” You swallowed. “It just… You kinda forced it, I wasn’t ready.” 

“I forced it, really? I forced you?” His laugh was out of complete disbelief. “I never forced you into anything, angel. I’ve asked you since the beginning if this is really what you want.” He took a pause, a very uncomfortable one, before he went on murmuring, “It was just my tip and you’re overreacting like this. I’m not even halfway in.”

His agitation had finally awakened you to your senses, realizing that you did end up doing what you were scared of doing. You ruined the moment. You were so caught up in your bubble of negative thoughts that you had once again failed to fulfill what you were supposed to do. No wonder he was aggravated, now sitting away from you and wearing his clothes as if telling you that he was done. Done being blue balled by his own girlfriend. Done expecting something he was never really bound to have. 

You reached out to touch his arm. “Baby, I’m sorry… I just got scared, but we can still—”

“Still do it?” he continued your sentence by ironically cutting you off, “No, the fuck, I won’t. I’m not in the mood anymore.” 

His reaction brought tears to your eyes, because the way he was acting stung your fragile heart. You didn’t mean to ruin anything. More importantly, you didn’t wish for everything to just turn out like this. “I-I’m sorry. Let me try again, please.” 

The weakness of your voice seemed to have softened him, becoming calmer and more composed after a few minutes of contemplation, but he still held his ground when he massaged his temple and sighed. “Let’s just not push it, Y/N.” He looked at your eyes, with hurt and rejection reflecting on them. “Even if you say you wanna do it, you think I can’t see it in your face that you’re not really into it? You’re never ready for me and maybe it’s my fault, maybe there’s something about me that you’re so scared of. Maybe it’s because you don’t feel secure with me, maybe you wanna save yourself for someone better, someone who can give you a brighter future—”

“That’s not true!” You shook your head desperately, your eyes blurring from the pool of tears while you clung to his arm. Where was all this coming from? It sounded like he had been harboring those feelings for so long. “That’s not true. What are you even saying?” 

“I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m just…” Trying to give a reason why you won’t give it to me. That must be what he had wanted to say. “Look, I don’t wanna pressure you into this bullshit anymore. I don’t wanna make it look like I’m begging for your affection like this. Intimacy should happen normally for couples, and if we can’t have that, then we can’t. That’s it.” 

Why did he sound like he was giving up? 

You tried to keep your emotions at bay while listening to him battling with his internal thoughts. “I understand I disappointed you tonight, but…”

He was adamant at shaking his head, distancing himself from you by getting up from the bed. “No, you got nothin’ to apologize for. It’s your body and your choice. I’d never force you into anything.” 

Then… then…

“I just think it’s not the perfect time,” he continued, shooting you a glance before looking away. Each step he took added another crack on your fragile heart. “From now on, I’m never gonna initiate anything intimate nor will I expect anything from you, aight? I’m over it.”

Alone in your vulnerability, you could feel the cold air hugging your naked body as you watched him walk towards the door, leaving you in the dark both literally and figuratively. “Where a-are you going? Come on… Please.” 

He no longer cared to turn around. He no longer bothered to comfort you as he walked away, muttering, “Just gonna go for a ride. Don’t wait on me.” 

— —

Nearly three weeks had passed since that night and you would be lying if you said everything was okay. 

No, everything was not okay. You could feel the distance growing each day even when you two still did everything together. Your normal routines didn’t feel normal anymore because he was acting too detached ever since he told you that he wouldn’t initiate anything intimate ever again. And to be honest? It hurt. A whole fucking lot. Hearing your partner say that they would never wish to do anything intimate with you was probably the worst way to experience heartbreak. Because he was truthful with it, and he showed it very openly. 

Now, he’d lock the door whenever he would take showers. He’d spent most of his time outside riding his bike until midnight. He stopped texting you sweet messages while on tattoo shop duty. He seldomly joined you to eat breakfast and dinner together. His back would face you whenever you two slept in bed. His eyes avoided you even when you walked around in underwear. His hand wouldn’t touch you even when you were centimeters close to him. There were no kisses exchanged either, unless obliged to do so when leaving the house. No hugs. No hair-stroking, hand-holding sweetness ever shared. You were simply cohabiting in your shared apartment like strangers who had barely even said I love you’s. 

“Man, that’s rough,” remarked Suguru Getou, your cousin and the barista, as he tidied up the counter behind the elevated bar. Having just served his friend an Americano, he listened intently as you vented about your situation with Sukuna. “I’ll be honest with you, Y/N. It’s not looking good for you.”

You knew that. You just refused to acknowledge it. “I mean, all couples fight.” 

Suguru shook his head, however. “You two aren’t even fighting. Dude just gave up and started detaching himself from you. If that’s not a sign already, then I don’t know what is.” 

“What sign?” you asked, hiding the obvious worry in your voice. You need not be dense about his words, but you wanted to have some kind of hope to grasp on. 

“Sign that he’s falling out of love?” he continued. 

And somehow, his white-haired friend thought it would be okay to chime in. “More like a sign that the tool's not interested anymore and is about to dump her.”

Your face felt hot and in the most terrible way. “Sorry, what was your name again?” you asked, your tone dripping with sarcasm. You hadn’t expected the guy to suddenly chime in, considering he had been quietly typing on his laptop just moments before. “I don’t remember asking for your opinion, so don’t go listening to somebody else’s business when you’re not part of the conversation.”

“Jeez,” said the albino guy, grinning at your cousin as if amused by your barrage of a response. “She’s a yapper, too. I thought she was supposed to be this sweet and innocent type, Suguru?”

“Not always.” Suguru chuckled at his friend before turning to you, apologetic eyes now attempting to soothe your nerves. “Sorry ‘bout that, Y/N. Satoru just likes to tease people. Don’t mind him.”  

You kept a straight face. “Well, then maybe tell your friend to keep his nose out of conversations he’s not invited to.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Satoru gave you a playful salute before extending his hand towards you. “Look, I didn’t mean to overhear, but I actually sympathize with you. If it were me, I’d never do that to you, baby.”

Oh, God. You were so bad at this. Was he flirting with you or was he simply playful like this? 

Nevertheless, you rolled your eyes and ignored the hand he offered, essentially brushing off his advances. “I don’t need sympathy. All I’m here for is to talk to my cousin to try and have his advice on the matter,” you emphasized pointedly, making it clear to Satoru that he was the last person you wanted advice from. “I don’t need a stranger listening to my personal life.” 

“Doesn’t hurt to receive advice from another guy,” countered Satoru, shrugging. “Right, Suguru? I mean, we’re both guys. We can give you some insight into how men think.” 

You felt the urge to bury your face in your hands. It was clearly a mistake going there and putting yourself in that situation, and now having two guys aware of your sex life with your boyfriend. That alone was so wrong on many levels. But could it be helped? Suguru was your closest cousin, the only one who didn’t turn his back on you after you left your parents’ home. He was working at a cafe three blocks away from your flower shop and you happened to be delivering a batch of fresh floral decorations for their cafe. You obviously found it a good opportunity to open up to him about your struggling relationship and hoped he could offer some male perspective on Sukuna’s behavior. You just hadn’t anticipated his friend eavesdropping on the conversation the entire time.

Well, that should have been expected anyway, since only the three of you were in that cafe on a lazy Wednesday afternoon. 

“I don’t kiss and tell, by the way.” Satoru was beaming as he gave you that assurance and you couldn’t help but admit that the man had some charm in him. He was attractive, no doubt about it. He was also tall, toned, and seemingly well off based on the way he dressed. He had a casual yet preppy style, something you would normally see from guys who went to private school. 

“Do you work?” you asked out of sheer curiosity. “You don’t seem like the type.” 

“Oh, now she’s interested.” Satoru seemed to have found your sudden interest in him humorous. “I’m finishing my MBA, miss. Thank you for asking.”

“He’s a privileged rich kid with generational wealth and a family business,” Suguru remarked, playfully gesturing a cutting motion across his neck. “Definitely not your type, huh, Y/N?”

“Why, what’s her type?” The white-haired man looked intrigued, pulling his stool closer. He had that stupid grin on his face as though the topic just sparked his curiosity. “What’s her boyfriend like?”

Suguru, who wanted to play along, jokingly hummed in deep thought. “He’s got tattoos, likes to tattoo other people, is a college dropout, rides a big bike, smokes and drinks, listens to heavy metal, was probably a delinquent and a juvie alumni—”

“Excuse you, he’s never been in a juvenile detention center,” you defended your man, feeling like your cousin’s categorization of Sukuna was becoming a little too derogatory and you had to correct him for that, “and he’s a good man. He’s sweet and caring, he’s passionate, and he loves me sincerely.” 

“Sincerely, not?” Satoru quipped, earning your glare in return. He immediately raised his hands in surrender. “I'm just joking. If you believe he’s all that, that’s your choice. I don’t judge booktok girls who romanticize typical bad boys.”

You rolled your eyes at his audacity. Each word that left his mouth seemed to stoke the flames of your irritation. “You’re so offensive, I’ll have you know that.” 

The white-haired guy smugly took a sip from his coffee. “At least I don’t make girls feel guilty for not having sex with me.” 

“Oooh.” Suguru was clearly enjoying the show, unaware that you were one step closer from smacking his friend across the face. “Touché. He kinda has a point, Y/N.” 

“Be serious,” you warned. 

To which he agreed to. “Okay, I am being serious now,” he said, abandoning his playful stance to lean in on a more solemn posture against the counter, “If you think Sukuna makes you feel guilty for not doing it with him, then shouldn’t that speak for the kind of relationship you two have? He wants something you can’t give. His reaction tells you everything you need to know about him.” 

You tried to absorb his words with a better understanding and without any bias. “Isn’t his reaction normal? He’s a man, too. I understand his needs and I made him feel somewhat rejected.”

“It’s all about respect, Y/N,” answered Suguru, “If he’s a decent man, he wouldn’t make you feel that way. No mixed signals, no guilt tripping, no nothing. If you can’t do it, then don’t.” 

“So, you’re saying you wouldn’t feel the same if your girlfriend keeps rejecting sex with you?” 

Suguru smirked. “I never said I’m a decent man, either. All I’m saying is if what you want isn’t exactly aligned to what he wants, then maybe it’s best you break it off with him because this shit won’t get you anywhere, Y/N. Trust me. He’s gonna dump you before you know it. I mean, it’s one thing to pretend he’s all fine with it, and it’s another to distance himself from you like he’s silently protesting.” 

“Yeah, that’s true,” Satoru joined in once again. “It’s impossible for a guy like that to be in a relationship for so long and not have any pussy. We think of sex 24/7, some of us are just better at restraining ourselves than others. He’s putting up with it now, but it’s only a matter of time he gets sick and tired of waiting. You do realize he can get any girl he wants, anytime he wants, right?” 

Although you were still uncomfortable at Satoru casually chiming in on the conversation, it was true when they said they could give you the exact male perspective you needed to hear. This allowed you to go deeper into Sukuna’s psyche and understand why he was acting that way. You just didn’t know how to save the connection you have with your boyfriend when both your cousin and his friend were describing all the red flags on Sukuna’s behavior. 

“I don’t know,” you spoke in a tone of defeat. “I kinda understand where he’s coming from, so I can’t just leave him for it. I love him.”

Satoru looked at your cousin like you couldn’t be saved. “She’s in too deep.” 

“Yeah, gaslighted as fuck.” Suguru was shaking his head in disappointment. 

The taller man chuckled and brought up a ridiculous offer to lighten the situation up. “Honestly, Y/N. I know we just met and all, but if you ever need someone to teach you how to do good in bed, just hit me up. He’ll never know.” 

“Shut up,” you shot back at Satoru, eyes rolling at his remark. 

“You’re out here feeling bad for that guy when he could be fucking his clients at the tattoo shop.”

You argued. “No, he’s not—”

“Are you sure he isn’t?” 

It wasn’t Suguru nor Satoru who posed that question; it was Yuki Tsukumo, the café’s manager and Suguru's respected senior. She was in a relationship with one of your boyfriend’s stepbrothers, Choso, and was also a fellow biker, which allowed her to cross paths with Sukuna in their community. Despite this connection, she was never particularly close to him. In fact, Yuki didn’t personally get along with Sukuna and she was very vocal about it. She was, however, a regular client of yours and ordered floral arrangements from your shop on a weekly basis.

It had been awhile since you last saw her, and didn’t expect that the first greeting you would give her was a question. “Yuki, what do you mean?” 

Great. Now, three people know about your relationship quagmires. 

She was placing her helmet at the counter and sitting on a stool before answering you, “I really think you should talk to him about it, Y/N.” 

No, no. Why did you suddenly feel a pang of anxiety out of nowhere? Something about the sympathy in Yuki’s eyes felt unsettling, and it sent a wave of fear through you. She definitely knew something. What was Sukuna doing behind your back?

“Can you please just tell me?” 

Her gaze studied your face intently, as if deliberating on the right thing to do. “Well... I spotted him riding with a girl the other night. Initially, I thought it might be you, but last night, I saw them together again. I recognized her... because it was his ex. I think he’s been giving her rides home lately.” 

Amidst the quiet of the room, your heart felt like it was breaking in two. The sudden revelation sent you into an abyss of pain.

“You might wanna visit his tattoo shop later.” Yuki encouraged me with a comforting smile. “It may be best to confront him about it.”

— —

Sukuna wasn’t sure how to act around you anymore. It wasn’t like he was purposely avoiding you, but he just didn’t feel comfortable acting like everything was fine and dandy. Because if he was damn honest, the sexual frustration was fucking with his head. So much so to the point where he started questioning himself if he should still put up with a relationship like this. 

First of all, there were pros and cons involved. He had to consider that it was a special connection filled with special memories, too. 

If he was talking about the pros, he knew he would have a loving lifetime partner with you. You were beautiful, kind, and pure. You inspired him and motivated him to be better. You were unmaterialistic and happy with the littlest things. You gave his dominant side the urge to be a better man, like he was made to protect and provide for you. You became his muse; a blank canvas that was all for him to paint on. A canvas that no one had ever touched. Or, in your world, a white lily that was associated with chastity and virtue. 

But then, there were also cons, and the foremost of it being you were too conservative for your own good. You grew up in a strict environment with uptight parents who wanted to control your life. He could never voice it out, but he really hated that you were square like your parents sometimes. You were too traditional and afraid to explore new experiences, oftentimes policing him for living his life as free as he wanted it to be. The ‘opposites attract’ thing did seem to work in your relationship at first, with your differences being exciting for each other, but as time went by, it became clearer to him that you two were too different to actually be in sync together. 

Hence why your relationship became rigid and suffocating, forcing him to take a breather by distancing himself from you for some time. He did this for your benefit, because he had to clear his head before risking losing you for good. He didn’t want to jeopardize a relationship that he knew meant the world to him. Perhaps this was just a phase, a challenging period following the honeymoon phase, where all your differences seemed to become more pronounced.

But to repeatedly make him look forward to sharing intimacy with you, only for you to back out at the very last minute? Man, was that so frustrating. 

It didn’t help that it was destiny itself that seemed to be stirring the pot. Because while you two were going through a rough time in your relationship, the irony presented itself outside of Sukuna’s tattoo shop late at night just as he was about to close. 

“Ryo?” A tall woman with athletic build, long dark hair, and beautiful doe eyes came into view with a wide smile on her face. 

His ex-girlfriend of three years. 

Sukuna held the door for her albeit the confusion in his eyes. “Yorozu?” 

The only difference he noticed was that she had become a lot sexier, with the curves on her body more womanly than ever. It was obvious that she was active in the gym to achieve such a fit physique. But other than that, her facial features were the same. Her heart eyes still shone bright at the mere sight of him, as if they carried stars and galaxies. 

“I think I came too late,” said Yorozu, smiling in disappointment, “I should probably just return tomorrow.” 

“No, you’re good.” Sukuna insisted on letting her enter his shop, closing the door as soon as she was inside. “What brought you here?” 

She stood confidently in front him, wearing nothing but a blank tank top and some loose white pants. “Funny story ‘cause I actually just moved to this city recently and I just found out you had a shop in this area.” 

Oh? That was interesting, indeed. Sukuna wondered how she even found his shop in that case, while he was leading her to the tattoo chair. “Are you here to get a tattoo or?” 

“Yeah, yeah I am.” She was sprinkling some charm in her grin. He knew her too well. “I think it’s amazing that I’m gonna get it from you again.”

While Yorozu was talking to him, he couldn’t help but ask: was it wrong for him to be in the same vicinity as his ex? Considering how jealous you could get, this was definitely wrong in your eyes. But as he wasn’t doing anything sketchy, he figured there was nothing wrong about what he was doing. Yorozu was technically a client and he couldn’t deny her his services since she was basically a friend of his, too. So, was he breaking any code here? 

“Well, only if you have time now, of course,” she added out of consideration, “It’s kinda late so I can always come back.” 

Sukuna shook his head and headed to get his book of tattoo art samples. “It’s fine. I got clients lined up all day tomorrow, so,” he said, placing the book on her lap, “You wanna check that or do you have a design in mind already?” 

Yorozu’s eyes fell on the tattoos marking Sukuna’s body, her gaze landing on every familiar inch as though she had seen them all the time before. It was true. She had seen more of him, actually. She had done more with his body, too. “I kinda wanna get a sleeve, but I want you to choose the design for me.” 

A tattoo sleeve? Damn. It was something he would never in a million years see from you, but for Yorozu, it was totally normal. She was as obsessed with ink as he was. And although she’s had a couple of tattoos in her body already, which were done by him, it would be her first time to get a full sleeve. 

“I get to choose, really?” Sukuna chuckled lightly. If he were to think of Yorozu’s traits, she was definitely a classic red rose. A seductress, alluring woman was how he saw her and the said flower would be a true-to-life representation of her personality. She was passionate when it came to loving someone, and was completely devoted to him back when they were together. The only reason they broke up was because they were too similar, as if she was his counterpart, and he saw fit to leave a relationship where they both constantly battled for dominance. Yorozu could get too aggressive on loving someone and he didn’t particularly like that. He made her understand why they weren’t working as a couple, and it took her some time, but she eventually accepted his decision. Now, you could say, they were somehow on good terms. “Alright, I’ll do your sleeve, but I’ll keep the design as a surprise.” 

Her eyes sparkled in excitement at the thought. “I’d love that!” 

“Since you want a sleeve, we’re gonna do some stencil application today.” Sukuna didn’t waste any more time in getting ready with his equipment, biting on the glove while wearing the other on his hand. “It’ll take fifteen to twenty hours to complete a sleeve, and each session could last two to six hours depending on your pain tolerance. My schedule’s actually full all day until next week, but you can come around the same time every night so I can finish yours.” 

“Yeah, I’m absolutely fine with that,” she enthused. For some reason, Yorozu was happy with the idea. The idea of coming to visit Sukuna every night in his shop. The idea that they get to be alone. The idea that they would be able to reconnect just like old times. Those were the things that Sukuna assumed was going through her head. 

And as he did start with his ‘client’, it was probably best to admit that the sexual tension was high. The room felt stuffy as the both of them remained there until midnight, with her sitting on the tattoo chair, and him doing her tattoo to her left. His eyes were intently focused on the intricate patterns he was doing on her arm, but also couldn’t avoid seeing the contours of her breasts since she was wearing such a thin tank top. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen them before. He’d seen every part of her body from her neck down to her toes. He’d put her in every position from missionary to doggy. Goddamn, he could even remember how warm she felt around his cock. Didn’t she like it when he came inside her? Or when he made her swallow every drop of his seed? 

Sukuna cleared his throat, shaking his vulgar thoughts away as he continued with Yorozu’s arm. He may not be cheating, but thinking back on those intimate experiences with someone else other than his girlfriend was definitely not morally right either. But what sexual experience could he reminisce about with you? That ridiculously embarrassing night you two had shouldn’t even be counted since he was trying so hard to forget about it. 

He cleared his throat. Again. For the third time. “What, uh, what’ve you been up to?” 

Yorozu, who had no clue about his thoughts, turned her face to look at him happily. “Not much, actually. The bar I worked at closed down, but I got myself a new job in this club as a full time hostess and part-time promoter. You should come by. Drinks on me.” 

By not exactly accepting or refusing, Sukuna decided to just smile it off. “That’s why you moved to this city?” 

“Yeah, I mean… obviously, the rent here is higher, but it’s closer to my job. I get paid decently, too.” 

“That’s nice.” He was just trying to make small talk at this point. “Do you know your way ‘round here? How are you gonna get home?” 

She considered her options. “Probably a bus or something?” 

Sukuna paused, contemplating the situation. “There's no bus here at midnight,” he remarked, concerned for the girl who would have to navigate her way home alone at such a late hour. She was new to the area and clearly still adjusting to the commuter lifestyle. Unlike her, he had a vehicle that could safely transport her home. There would be no harm in offering, right? “Look, I have a bike and I usually take midnight rides, anyway. I can drop you off on my way home.”

“Really?” Her voice echoed excitement in them. “I’d appreciate it, Ryo. Thanks so much.” 

Life was ironic, truly. He didn’t see this situation coming because he never expected that he would even come across Yorozu ever again. They didn’t have any contact prior, but he still saw her on social media whenever he (on very rare occasions) decided to check his accounts. He never had her blocked, either, which was why you knew about Yorozu after snooping through his phone and reading through some of his old messages with her. Sukuna used to tell you not to worry about her, and that she was just his ex, and that she had nothing on you—which were all true, of course, but it was funny to him now that the woman his girlfriend was most threatened by was back in his life. 

And she was riding at the backseat of his motorbike, her arms latching at nothing else but around his torso. She was seated at the seat reserved for you, wearing the helmet that was bought for you, and holding onto a man that was rightfully yours. It all didn’t feel right. 

But because Yorozu delighted in his habit of speeding on the highway, he had somehow forgotten about the guilt that was forming in his heart. 

**

“You still have your ex’s Instagram?” Your questioning eyes met his defensive ones as he joined you in the living room, finding his space on the couch next to you. “I read your dms. Why haven’t you blocked her?” 

Sukuna’s breath remained steady. “Only toxic people do that shit.” 

“But I’m not comfortable with it!” you nagged, letting him snatch his phone from your grasp. 

“Do you see me talking to her still?” he asked, trying to be as patient as he could be, “Baby, I don’t even talk to her. I don’t think she’s active there, either.” 

You crossed your arms. “Then, block her?” 

“You’re being ridiculous.” 

“I’m being fair. You shouldn’t be keeping tabs with an ex.” 

“What are you—” Sukuna decided to cut his own sentence after realizing that the argument was plain stupid. “You know what, I’ll just delete my insta.” 

**

“How many times do you two do it?” you asked out of nowhere, sitting at the waiting area while he was closing his shop. “Your ex. How often do you have sex with her?” 

What kind of trap were you setting now? If he told you an honest answer, you would get mad. If he lied or even sugar coated it, you would also get mad. 

“Does it matter? Why do you keep asking questions about her and then get upset with me?” Sukuna’s frustration resonated in his sigh as he tidied the space where he tattooed his client a few minutes ago. “She’s an ex for a reason, so get over it.”

He was starting to get annoyed by your never-ending questions about his past experiences, but he knew you were simply coming from a place of no experience. You probably wanted to know what he liked in bed, what pleased him the most, what kept him from wanting more. Was that too much? No. Were you overdoing this entire thing? A little bit. 

“Why are you defensive?” you asked softly, still sitting on the couch as you watched him avoid your eyes. “You make me feel so insecure every time.” 

He scoffed, shaking his head as he turned around. “I don’t know, baby. If you’re feeling insecure, then do something about it.” 

**

“Thanks so much for the ride, Ryo.” 

Yorozu stood by her door, returning the helmet back to him while she kept her eyes locked on his. Her gaze was inviting, tempting him to give in and submit to his carnal desires. Any man would read her intentions the same way; Yorozu stared at him like that because she wanted to invite him to her place. She wanted him to spend the night and do unforgivable things. To remember the passionate exchange they once shared. 

But Sukuna wasn’t like that. No, he wasn’t a cheater. “I, uh, gotta get going.” 

“Oh…” Disappointment clouded Yorozu’s face. “Okay, then.” 

“See you tomorrow?” 

“...Alright.” 

“Okay.” 

“Wait!” Yorozu pulled his arm just as he was heading back to his motorbike. The sudden closeness in their proximity made his heart race fast. He knew what was coming. “I missed you, Ryo.” 

He knew what she was about to do next. 

And holy fuck did he guess right, as he was taken aback when Yorozu suddenly leaned in to press her lips onto his. Her soft, cherry lips moved desperately to taste his sweet kisses. 

But he didn’t return it. Instead, he immediately pushed her away. “Yorozu,” he spoke softly, “I have a girlfriend.” 

“You do?” She didn’t need to hide it. He could see the heartbreak on her face. 

“Yeah,” Sukuna confirmed, maintaining a more appropriate distance now. “We’ve been together for some time, and I live with her.”

Yorozu tried to maintain her facade of indifference, making it appear as though she was unfazed by his revelation. “That’s... That’s cool,” she said, “I’m sorry for, uh, the kiss.”

Sukuna nodded, “It’s fine. I should’ve told you sooner.”

“You’re alright,” she reassured him, “It's totally my fault. I hope she won’t be upset with you or something.”

Sukuna had no plans to tell you, knowing well the additional turmoil it would bring to your already strained relationship. However, he realized the importance of clarity in his intentions and the need to set boundaries. “We’re just friends. We’ll keep things civil. I’ll finish your tattoo in a couple more sessions, and then we’re done. Sounds fair?”

Yorozu nodded her head with a reluctant smile. “Fair enough.” 

— —

5 more days. Her sleeve required five more sessions, and days went by too fast for him to count. He had busied himself with his clients, while you had busied yourself with yours. He couldn’t even spend time with you because his shop took a chunk of his time from him, and even at home, things had become too awkward ever since your unspoken night. 

So, in some ways, Yorozu became his routine. She visited his shop for the past four nights and he had taken her home afterwards. She was in absolute love with her rose sleeve and they weren’t even complete yet. He still owed her one last session and told himself that it should also be the last time she should be around him. It wasn’t right and he didn’t want to create another source of argument with you. 

And in truth, he certainly felt a little guilty for spending more time with his ex than his own girlfriend. But did he purposely do it? No, it was fate that brought her to his door about a week ago. 

In spite of his stubbornness to admit his wrongdoing, he still ended up stopping by the flower market to get you a nice bouquet of white lilies. He knew you could make a prettier bouquet than that, but he thought it would be a perfect opportunity to surprise you with flowers that didn’t exactly come from you. Besides, he had some making up to do. 

Later that night, when he returned to your shared home, he found you sitting at the couch seemingly waiting for him to come home. The lights were dimmed and the television was turned off. For some reason, you were wearing outside clothes and had a somber expression on your face, too. That alone caused the loud thumping of his heart. 

“Hey,” he greeted, nonetheless, sitting next to you on the couch and kissing your cheek. “Everything okay, baby?” 

Your eyes carried sadness in them as you looked at him and searched for answers you couldn’t find. “Where were you?” 

Sukuna handed the bouquet over. “Got you flowers.” 

You didn’t accept them. Instead, every second seemed to torture you. “Where were you before that?” 

“In the shop…?” He didn’t know where to start, but he was definitely scared. “Why? Sorry I’ve been busy lately. I’ll make it up to you, angel.” 

“You close your shop at nine,” you pointed out, voice breaking in the middle of your sentence. “Why do you always come home at two in the morning?” 

Fuck. Fuck! What should he say? Should he make an excuse for it? Should he say he’d been checking on Yuuji after his shifts? Should he say he’d been riding to other cities to clear his mind? He didn’t fucking know what to say, especially not when you were clearly on the verge of bursting out. 

“Answer me!” you cried, finally releasing the bottle out in the open. The tears that welled in your eyes now streamed ceaselessly down your face. “You’re an asshole. I-I hate you! I fucking… you think I don’t know? You think I’m too stupid to know?!”

Sukuna calmly received the fists you had swung on his chest as he tried to grab ahold of your arms. “Baby, I’ll explain everything.” 

“No, damn y-you!” The tremor in your voice squeezed his heart in the most painful way because he hated seeing you breaking down in front of him and over him. This wasn’t the first time he had made you cry, but this was the first time he had seen you actually sob like this. “I-I gave myself to you! I left my p-parents for you! And this is what you do to me? You’re cheating on me with your ex?!” 

He was desperate to hold you, hug you, cage you in his arms. He wanted to take your pain away. Wipe your tears away. However, you didn’t allow him to touch even a strand on your hair as you kept on pushing him off. Sukuna felt like he was going to lose his mind. “Baby, listen to me please. It’s really not what you think—”

“I don’t care!” you spat, moving away to wipe the tears off your face. “I don’t fucking care! You sleeping with her or not doesn’t change a thing. Don’t you get it? I’ll never be enough for you!” Despite your loud voice, the cracks in her facade only revealed your longing for validation and acceptance, etching into every tear-stained moment you two had shared over the course of your relationship. He watched you, paralyzed by the sight of you breaking down, as you grabbed a luggage you had been hiding behind the couch as if you were ready to leave. “I’ll never be the person you want me to be and staying with you will always remind me of it!” 

“No, no, no… Let’s talk.” Sukuna had to suppress his own tears while he tried to reach out for you. “Baby, please. I don’t feel anything for her, or anyone. It’s just you. You are enough for me, baby. I’m sorry, please.” 

You, on the other hand, were adamant at your decision. “I can’t stand what you’re doing to me anymore. I don’t like how you make me feel about myself. I hate how you make me question my own choices!” Tears continued to flow, and your voice wavered, transitioning from anger to a more subdued, pained tone. “I hate… I hate that I love you so much, that I lost all my backbone just to make you happy.” 

“You don’t need to.” He was feeling more and more miserable now, his heart sore from all the emotions he had seen from you. “Y/N, you don’t need to. I’m sorry, I love you. I love you so fucking much.”  

…

…

…

“It’s over, Sukuna,” were the last words he could recall hearing before passing out drunk in his bed that afternoon. “We’re done.”

— —

It was your first heartbreak. Your first actual relationship. Your first everything. Surely, people shouldn’t expect you to move on easily, especially not when the subject of your heartache worked across the street from you. 

You were a mess. You had cried enough tears after you moved out of his apartment that night, screamed your heart out as you suffered from the pain of loneliness once more. You couldn’t even bear the thought of returning to your parents and hearing them say they told you so, because loving Sukuna was a choice you thought was good for you. 

In the end, he was just a poison without any antidote. A toxin without remedy. The most effective solution was to sever all ties to prevent further contamination.

But strangely enough, you hadn’t seen him in his shop ever since that night, either. The tattoo parlor remained closed for more than two weeks without any notice. While a small part of you worried for him, a bigger part of you cared for yourself. He no longer held any importance to your life, and you should let it remain that way. 

What you should focus on, instead, was living your life without any trace of him. A life of independence, away from the toxicity of a manipulative man who constantly made you doubt yourself and what you offered. As they say, you have to learn to love yourself first before you can fully learn to love others. 

And in your journey of knowing the truth of that saying, a certain white-haired man entered your floral shop on a somber Friday afternoon just as you were arranging preordered bouquets for multiple customers to pick up. 

“Hey,” you greeted the man, surprised at his sudden appearance at your shop. 

Satoru grinned as he approached you closer. “I’m here to pick up two bouquets.”

“Oh, it was your order?” Your eyes widened. Silly you. Of course, Suguru would order on his friend’s behalf. He wouldn’t even get his girlfriend some flowers, let alone his mother. So this being Satoru’s order made much more sense. “Okay, you got a bouquet of blush peonies and another bouquet of pink tulips, am I correct?”

He smiled handsomely, displaying his set of perfect white teeth while listening to you talk. “Correct.” 

“For your mom?” you asked before you made your way to pick up the bouquets, handing them to him carefully. 

His response came with a soft, affirmative hum. “Mhm. One for her,” he said, taking only the bouquet of tulips, “The other is for you.” 

Oh, no, no, definitely no. You had seen this before and it didn’t go well. 

“That’s lovely, but…” You offered a smile. “I’m not taking those peonies.” 

Satoru acted innocent, his vibrant blue eyes coruscating under the ambient lights. “But it’s mother’s day.” 

You playfully shook your head. “I’m not even a mother.”

“Yes, you are,” he went on teasing, “the mother of my future kids. I like to think in advance, you know.” 

Honestly? This man started off with a bad impression on you, but he wasn’t actually so bad. He was an easygoing, happy-go-lucky person who carried positive energy around him. That, and he was decent, too. He was the type of guy your parents would have surely approved of. He was a degree holder like you, even pursuing graduate studies to run a business that was already generating an income that you could only imagine of getting. He was set for life with no uncertainty with what he wanted for his future. 

“Satoru?”

He met your gaze. “Yeah?”

“About your offer last time,” you recalled, recalling his earlier jest about teaching you some things in bed, “I think I'd like to take you up on that.”

[cherry-leclerc]

thinking of her ☆ cl16

genre: angst, marriage trope

word count: 1.8k

You and Charles take a visit to marriage counseling.

inspired by this !

req!... had some free time to write so thought i would work on a request i just got! short one, but i hope you enjoy :)

“Tell me why you’re both here.”

The room is silent and slightly cold. A large canvas hangs right in front of you as you take time to pretend you care about the family painted on it. Part of you actually does.

“Well, she thought it would be a good idea to drag us into this.”

Your eyes flicker to Charles and you would only hope that he could tell that you weren’t impressed by his answer. It was true, it was your idea to go to couple’s counseling, but only because you cared. You cared a lot. Sometimes you thought for sure he didn’t anymore.

“What made you take the initiative?”

You wanted to burst with anger. To prove to her that this wasn’t completely your fault. He wasn’t perfect, he tested your patience and despite it all, you still loved him enough to try and salvage your marriage. 

Your therapist stares back, pen ready to scribble possible solutions as if her words would really make a difference. Maybe, deep down, you didn’t like being here either, but you wanted to prove to Charles how he’s been a shit husband. 

You wanted someone to back you up.

Taking a deep breath, you play with your wedding band. The one that you would normally admire, but now just felt like pure suffocation. “He’s given me plenty of reasons to not trust him the way I once did and now I sit here like a fool thinking he might change.”

The way her pen glides is something you hate. 

Looking back up, she takes a moment to analyze the couple. Charles sits with a blank expression, as if he really did have somewhere better to be. In his mind, he did. Then, there was you. Regardless of your words pouring with pure vexation, your body language displayed something else. 

Your eyes were sad and tired. She easily noticed the way your hand would want to reach out to Charles, but would quickly grip tighter to your lap.

“Please, if you don’t mind, would you care to explain.”

You press your lips together. “I first noticed a difference two years into our marriage.”

-

“Chicken or fish?” 

It was Charles’ day off from work in a long time and you were currently on a call with Pascale trying to figure out what to surprise him with. He always raved about how much he loved when you cooked for him. 

“Fish. You guys were over yesterday and I made grilled chicken, remember?”

You hum as you get into your car and start driving to the market, though the conversation is cut short when you finally reach your destination. Walking through the aisle, you decide it would be a fine idea to grab some wine you both love. 

“Charles?” The brunette looks up, red wine in his hand as you smile a bit confused. “What are you doing here? I thought you were playing padel with Lorenzo.” 

“I was! Finished the game early and thought I would grab us some, uh—” Stepping closer, he kisses you and takes the kart. “Shopping for dinner?”

“Thought it’d be nice…” You look at the bottle and yes it’s red, but it's not the kind you both like. “Honey, you got the wrong one.” A panicked look flashes his face before he lets out a nervous laugh.

Of course! I’ll change it right now.

-

“It only took a couple more slip ups for me to find out.”

The therapist nods as her attention turns to Charles, where he plays with his bracelets. “And what made you stay?” You want to laugh. Are we just going to spend time on me? She shakes her head. “We’ll get to him, I just want to hear from you first.”

“After I confronted him he swore he’d stop seeing her. I guess it was my fault for even believing him.”

-

“Amour!”

He runs into the living room, kitchen, basement, everywhere. Breathing hard, he looks around the house as if the furniture will give up and tell him where you are. A loud thud echoes from upstairs. Two steps at a time, he darts quickly to the bedroom. His heart stops when he sees you packing a suitcase.

What are you doing?

You don’t answer. Don’t even spare a passing glance. Instead, you slip the gold band off your finger as you throw it behind you. It only falls a few steps in front of him. He picks it up as he makes his way to you. “I’m so sorry.”

Your back faces him, but you don’t dare make a single sound. You curl your hand against the dress you were folding, bite hard on your lip to not let out a single sob. But your chest hurts, your tears feel like acid against your skin, and you’re almost thankful for pain like that, that way what Charles did wouldn’t be the only thing that hurt.

He makes his way to kneel down in front of you as you stare down at the carpet. You had begged him only a few days ago to put down the deposit on it and for a while he said it wouldn’t be financially responsible, but later agreed. You hated it now.

“Why? Just…why?”

He’s far too embarrassed to even come up with an answer. “I don’t know.”

When you finally look up at him, he sees what he’s caused. Your eyes are bloodshot, your nose is rosy. Cheeks are so bright pink, it almost looked as if someone pinched them. 

You let out a wet laugh as you drop your hands against your lap. “You know, when I woke up this morning and you were gone I thought to myself—Wow! What did I do to deserve a husband who wakes up early enough to get me breakfast on my birthday? And I waited. And waited. But whatever. That’s fine! He probably got busy. Then, Pascale called to confirm if we were still going out for dinner, to which I said, ‘Yes! Of course!...Yes, the gold bracelet! It was beautiful, thank you for helping him pick it out.’ I thought it was sweet, I did, but you never came. And again, the presents are not what mattered, but it was you. I texted you. I called you. I told myself you were probably too busy planning something sweet the way you always did. They all asked where you were and I had to lie and tell them you were going to be late. Do you know how stupid I felt when I saw you and her enter the restaurant holding hands? And then what did I do? I purposefully had you see me run out so you could chase after me, so that your family would never find out about your…fling.”

Charles keeps bowing his head lower and lower almost as if to hide from his mistakes.

“...So where’s my bracelet, huh? Because you got it for me for my birthday, right?” Extending your hand out hurts because you know deep down it was never for you. 

“I don’t have it…” You click your tongue as you retract your arm. Of course you don’t, you seethe. With all your strength, you stand with wobbly knees as you start to walk away. 

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

And he should feel relieved, but instead he feels like a complete asshole. How could he ruin things with his wife who swore to love him with all her being? He knew you well enough to know that you always will and he couldn’t let that go. He would fix this.

He runs to the door to close it. Move, you spit out. He shakes his head as he hugs you. 

“S-stop,” you say in a shaky voice as warm tears begin to flow once more. “It’s okay, just let me go…”

You go stiff when you realize he’s crying into your neck. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…He just keeps repeating it and you can’t stop yourself from hugging him back. He loved you and you loved him. That’s all that mattered.

“Just don’t do it again, okay?”

-

“So he cheated: you forgave him. He put her first and your marriage second.”

You flinch at her words because they only remind you how true they are. For a while, you thought you could both get over it, but you never really did. Not when you were already both standing on opposite sides of the road.

“Mom always did say I always saw the best in people.”

“And you…” Charles gulps. “What made you fall into an affair?”

Months ago, when you first found out, he didn’t have any answer to that question. But he did now.

“I wasn’t smart enough to appreciate my wife.” He looks at you as you avoid eye contact because you know the moment you looked into his eyes, you would fall all over again.

But you still did.

His eyes are sorry, you could tell, and the way his hand makes his way to you is enough for you to grow warm despite the cold room. 

“I’ve made plenty of mistakes - I know that - but none of them could compare to what I did to us. For putting you through so much doubt…For making you think I didn’t love you, but I always did.”

You're crying now as you nod because this is all you ever needed to hear.

“If this was the bump in the road that we had to overcome to grow closer then I accept it because I love you too, Charles. It’s about time you realized that.”

-

Charles feels lighter, happier. Now that he gets to hold your hand after many fights, he’s reminded about all the things he loves about you. But nothing could have prepared him for you to let go of his hand.

“I want a divorce.”

He’s stunned. W-what? We just decided that we were fine, that we were moving on…

You shake your head as you laugh. “My apologies, God, did I make you believe a lie? Feels awful, doesn’t it?”

He furrows his brows as he tries to reach out for you but you keep stepping further back. “Back there you almost had me…You said, ‘...none of them would compare to what I did to us.’ Us. Did you suffer? Did you spend countless, empty nights, crying yourself to sleep wondering what you did wrong? No, because it was all me. It wasn’t what you did to us, it's what you did to me.” You spin your ring one last time before slipping it off and placing it in his hand. He wants to say something to make you change your mind, to oversee his past mistakes one more time, because he swore to himself it would be the last time. But he could tell you’ve made up your mind. You twist your heel, ready to walk away before taking one last look into his green eyes you once loved.

“And the baby is getting my last name.”

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

so many three-quarters of one moon ago, @asexualbookbird tagged me to do the "random things in your room" poll, and i have FINALLY gotten my ducks linear enough to participate! therefore, without further ado:

tagging: @alloreli, @six-of-ravens, @e-b-reads, and anyone else who wants to play!!

[thesimscurator]

Dream Town Makeover: Mini-Save File and Challenge

The Story:

With the loss of all its industries, Evergreen Harbor became a severely depressed area. The government took notice and has begun a project of green urban renewal here: they have passed some new green policies and are working on more, and they’re flooding the area with improvement grants, creating jobs in city planning, green technologies, commissioned public art, and more. You are an aspiring interior designer who is thrilled by the prospect of redesigning and revitalizing Evergreen Harbor's many dilapidated houses, old train- and shipyards, defunct factories, and small, cramped apartments. Your brain is filled with visions of light, airy, modern, open-plan spaces, reclaimed shipping container tiny homes, old train cars turned into cafes, junkyard salvage repurposed to furnish chic industrial apartments. Time to roll up your sleeves, build a client roster, level up your handiness skill, vote for improvements to the local apartment buildings, and otherwise get busy!

The Backstory:

I’ve always thought that Eco Lifestyle and Dream Home Decorator make an excellent pack pairing: Eco Lifestyle lets you change the open parts of Evergreen Harbor through gameplay, and Dream Home Decorator lets you change lots through gameplay, so together you get the whole shebang! But there’s a pretty major problem with trying to do this in the default save: namely, interior decorator gigs generate at random using all the occupied and community lots in all the worlds. So the more packs you own, the more worlds and lots you have, the less likely you are to be randomly assigned gigs in Evergreen Harbor. This mini save file aims to enable you to play out this excellent pack pairing by having absolutely nothing and no one in any other world except Evergreen Harbor, so that 100% of your randomly generated gigs will be in this world. And while I was at it, I also went around and ensured that all the lots would start out rundown, outdated, dysfunctional, and otherwise gross. It’s just more fun to make over stuff that’s lousy to begin with.

Save file specs:

The only world with anyone or anything in it is Evergreen Harbor, to keep your interior decorator gig options focused on revitalizing this area. Neighborhood stories is completely disabled for everyone, even unplayed households, to prevent randos from moving into other worlds and muddying your gig list. Aging also begins disabled, though you may turn this back on if you wish—that’s just down to personal preference.

E.H. is fully populated, except for one living space per neighborhood in which your interior designer sim will live (you have to be a resident of a neighborhood in order to vote for improvements, so you'll need to move around a bit). Patina Wainscot is your default interior designer, but you should feel free to just move her in with one of her many relatives and replace her with your own sim if that’s how you’d rather do the challenge. Each of the other households has sims whose careers and preferences have been deliberately set to make sense and give you plenty of renovation guidance--they rarely have dislikes, for example, so you have positive guidance on what to build. Be sure to read their family bios and ask about their careers, as this will give you some good directions, too! If you don't have certain packs, some sims' careers may not show (conservationists from Island Living, political activists from City Living, etc.), but this shouldn't impact the game too much.

Community lots all start out set to generic, so you’ll need to manually set the lot type to whatever you envision the space becoming at the start of your game. I have done this so that you can set your own aspirations for these spaces based on the packs you actually own—if I had pre-set the train car to “Cafe,” for example, and you didn’t own Get Together, that lot would simply disappear. This save file is a canvas for YOUR vision of Evergreen Harbor. I make some suggestions via the lot descriptions and the ambitions of the people in the town, but ultimately, the direction this takes is completely up to you.

Dream Town Makeover Challenge Rules:

One sim, one vote! Even if you have the influence to spam an N.A.P., you must use it to convince other sims to vote for your preferred measure instead of piling votes on it yourself. You may also not cheat N.A.P.s away--use the repeal process! You’ll need to do quite a bit of this, as all neighborhoods begin maxed out on N.A.P.s. This ensures that you get to do the gameplay associated with improving each neighborhood, rather than it just happening in the background without you. So here’s the gameplay:

Your N.A.P. goal is to repeal two N.A.P.s of your choice in each neighborhood, and replace them with Modern Development and Green Initiatives to revitalize the town.

Once you have passed both initiatives in a neighborhood, you will need to move to the next one in order to vote there and start the process over again. This means that the challenge will take a minimum of 12 in-game weeks (or three sim years) to complete—4 weeks per neighborhood.

You are a green interior decorator! That means your handiness goal is to apply eco upgrades to all new appliances you install as part of a renovation. Work on that handiness skill and stock up on upgrade parts before you head out to a gig!

Your lot goal is to remove negative lot traits from the spaces you renovate and add positive ones. Depending on the packs you own, you may or may not even have all of these lot traits, so you may simply ignore anything you don’t own. But do what you can with the packs you have. Here’s the guide:

Currently, all groundwater in Evergreen Harbor is contaminated, so all lots have the "Grody" challenge. This can only be removed when a neighborhood passes "Green Initiatives," which uses phytoremediation to clean the aquifers. After you pass this N.A.P., remove “Grody” from all lots in that neighborhood, and replace it with “Natural Well.”

Most places are also "Filthy," and may potentially be infested with “Mold.” You may remove either or both of these lot challenges if you have completely renovated a lot--one room doesn't count!

You may not take renovation gigs in any of the apartments before Modern Development gets passed in that apartment’s neighborhood—nor may you make any structural changes to your own apartment (this includes changing wallpaper and flooring). In this story, Modern Development = landlord’s permission to make structural changes to the space. Once this N.A.P. is in place and you have used its newly expanded windows to good effect with your renovation, you may add the “Natural Light” trait to the renovated apartments.

Traditional-style houses and apartments all have “Maintenance Issues.” You may remove this challenge if you have replaced AND applied eco upgrades to all appliances on the lot.

If you have both Seasons and For Rent, you can play out replacing outdated heating and cooling systems with geothermal. Just remove all the cast iron radiators and box air conditioners from a lot and add a thermostat. Once you have done that, you may add the “Geothermal” lot trait!

None of Port Promise is grid connected, so all lots there are “Off-the-Grid.” You may connect them to the grid only after Modern Development is passed in Port Promise, rezoning the area for homes and businesses.

The whole city is overrun with raccoons, in the form of "Cat Hangout" being on every lot (I have gone through and manually changed all stray cats in this save file into raccoons). Lock your door if you don't want them in your house! There are two conditions required to remove them: 1) Some N.A.P. that cleans up the trash in the public areas of the neighborhood is passed (either Green Initiatives or Modern Development will do this), and 2) You have completely renovated the lot to remove all stray garbage from the lot itself. Once the trash is gone, the trash pandas go, too!*

This one isn’t a part of the challenge, but just so you know what’s up: "Reduce and Recycle" is a permanent lot challenge everywhere except the Pinecrest Apartments, which have a trash chute. No getting rid of this one—that's just the way city garbage collection works!

You win the challenge when you have completely made over every single lot in Evergreen Harbor, changed the lot traits via the rules above, and passed Green Initiatives and Modern Development in every neighborhood.** Good luck!

*Pro Tip: for some truly adorable chaos, pass the “We Wear Bags” N.A.P. before you remove the raccoons. With this N.A.P. active, all the raccoons will show up in little hats, and it is delightfully ridiculous!

**Note: You are, obviously, totally welcome to play other sims in this save file at any time before, after, or during working on this challenge. They each have their own ambitions, as stated in their family bios, and (with a few exceptions, mostly elders) begin at low levels of their careers and skills, so you can have fun playing out their dreams as stretch goals or side quests.

Save file requirements:

This mini save file is not limited in terms of packs I used while creating it. However, since the whole point is basically for you to personally redo everything, there aren’t many packs you actually need in order to play this challenge. All that will happen if you don’t have some of the packs I used during setup is that items in the original, ugly versions of lots may be replaced or missing. But you’re about to replace them with your own designs anyway, so this is no big deal!

You also may not be able to play with certain features, but they are also basically non-essential (if you don’t have Cats & Dogs, for example, the city will not be overrun with raccoons, so you won’t play that particular aspect of the challenge). And while the sims of Evergreen Harbor often do have careers drawn from other packs (Knox Greenburg is an activist with “Speak for the Trees,” which came with City Living, for example), I have taken care to only use CAS content from the required packs, so no one should appear naked or bald for you, even if you don’t have any of the optional packs. So, with all of that preamble, here are the . . .

Required packs:

Eco Lifestyle – This whole save file is just Evergreen Harbor, so if you don’t have Eco Lifestyle, you won’t even be able to see it.

Dream Home Decorator – The entire gameplay concept and challenge at the foundation of this save file is the interior design career, so you really do need this pack to play it.

That’s it! Everything else is gravy. But the gravy is pretty good! Here are some highlights from recommended-but-completely-optional packs:

If you have Island Living, the save file starts with the electrical global policies in place, so there will be lots of power outages in Evergreen Harbor. I deleted the sim I used to enact them, so if you want to remove them as a stretch goal, I suggest playing with Summer Wainscot (or your own Conservationist). Work your way high enough in the career to become an Environmental Manager, and then you can repeal some of the global policies that haven’t worked—or put new ones in place. The organic food one would go especially well once you’ve established Bobby Wainscot’s urban food forest.

If you have For Rent, lots of houses will have “Maintenance Troubles,” “Mold,” and/or the many additional utilities appliances that came with that pack, making playing in those houses more eventful and chaotic. Plus, you can split the two families in the side-by-side houses in Grims Quarry into two separate households, turn the old storage lockers on the docks into micro apartments, and otherwise have fun with the features of this pack.

If you have Get to Work, Spa Day, Cats & Dogs, Dine Out, and/or High School Years, you can actually own/open the kinds of businesses some of the sims in this save file dream of starting with their small business grants, which is fun gameplay. Plus Cats & Dogs gets you the raccoons.

If you have City Living, you can play through the process of raising money and doing charity organizing work with Speak for the Trees as Knox Greenburg, which I’ve always felt was especially appropriate gameplay for him and really lets the whole “Eco Master” thing become active.

If you have Discover University, Claire Waxton will start out with a Biology degree and bunch of student loan debt, which acts as an extra challenge if you decide to play out her ambition of running a successful home candlemaking business.

If you have Seasons, all the kids in town (plus Jeb Harris) will be in Scouts, and you’ll see that holidays are a bit modified: the people of E.H. reject the consumerism of Winterfest and Love Day, so those holidays are gone, along with all traditions about adding decorations. But they love New Year’s resolutions, and celebrate New Year’s Eve with a Polar Bear Plunge in the quarry. And they love the spirit of gratitude that comes with Harvestfest, which they’ve leaned into even more by remembering the seven principles with a Kinara. Plus, they really value community, so they throw a Neighborhood Block Party on the first day of summer every year.

If you have Get Together, there will be a few clubs for the people in town, most of which are divided out by age category and two of which are just there as a little nod to the text for the “Back to the Old Days” N.A.P.

No mods are required for this save file!

Credits:

I used Srsly’s Blank Save as the base for this save file. A huge thank you to Srsly for keeping a totally unpopulated, completely bulldozed save file available to the public! It makes the work on contained mini save files like this SO much shorter.

All the sims in this save file are by Maxis, though one, Claire Waxton, is a recreation of an EA trailer sim the team never officially released. The recreation was done by SimpleSquare. I also ran out of sims from Eco Lifestyle and Dream Home Decorator before I ran out of space in the town, so I wound up doing a pack-limited makeover of the Parenthood trailer family to round out the community. They are still by Maxis, just with looks by me to remove the Parenthood content.

The original creators of all the starting lots are listed on the Evergreen Harbor map at the top of this post. Most of these lots were edited by me to a greater or lesser extent, but the overwhelming majority of the credit goes to the original creators' incredible creativity. Thanks to all the featured creators!

How to Download:

Step 1: Backup your existing saves. To do this, go into MyDocuments/Electronic Arts/The Sims 4 and right-click on the folder titled “saves.” Select “copy,” then paste the folder to any other location on your computer. I usually just copy it to the desktop so I don’t lose it, but you may have an alternative hard drive or other location where you like to back up your saves.

Step 2: Download and unzip the Dream Town Makeover save file, but DO NOT PUT IT IN YOUR MODS FOLDER! Put it in the saves folder instead (MyDocuments/Electronic Arts/The Sims 4/saves). If the number of the save file matches the number for a save you already have in game, change it to any number you do not already have a copy of, but keep the same number of digits. To get more specific: by default the Dream Town Makeover file name is “Slot_12162024.save” and if you happen to have another save file with that exact same file name (unlikely), the game will overwrite one with the other. If that’s true for you, you can change the file name to “Slot_12162025.save” or “Slot_22162024.save” or anything else that replaces a digit with a different digit, but you cannot change it to “Slot_1.save” because the game needs a total of eight digits in the file name to run the save properly.

Step 3: Open your game, click the save file titled “Dream Town Makeover,” and start playing!

Download the Dream Town Makeover save file

P. S.: I wanted to make Evergreen Harbor feel like a really established community, so households are quite interlinked (except for the Tinkers, who are brand-new to town), and there is A LOT of tea in this save file. Have fun discovering it all!

Support me on Ko-fi!

[ppomumgranatum]

meet me in the infinity.

also available on Ao3

pairing: Sebastian Sallow x f!MC

tags: one shot, you POV, modern AU

word count: 4k

Summary: the chances of us meeting are almost zero, but sometimes, it’s not about the odds but the moments that defy them.

Notes: idk if you guys are into au but I am back from a long vacation and hope you can enjoy this short lil treat 🤠

Saturdays were your favourite. It's a sweet reprieve from the weekday hustle and bustle and is your time to kick back, unwind, and indulge in a bit of freedom without the looming spectre of work. But this Saturday in particular wasn’t quite the respite you had hoped for. Lately work has been more demanding of your time and it honestly was getting exhausting. Even the usual picturesque English town, where the buildings are quaint and the atmosphere is steeped with history, no longer soothes you.

Earlier this morning, you received an email with the subject “Friendly Reminder” from your editor, Cressida, regarding an upcoming deadline for an article that you’re currently working on a recent relic discovery. Knowing her bluntness, you were sure the content would be anything but— which only adds up to the already piled up pressure. 

You could’ve made better progress if the archeologist you were supposed to interview didn’t reschedule. Again. For the second time. The first cancellation had been a minor inconvenience. You’d managed to adjust, shuffling your deadlines and taking it in stride. However, when the second request for rescheduling came in, it felt like a relentless barrier to your progress.

His insight is crucial. Without him you might as well write nothing. But your precious time was not going to be wasted on grousing over some nerd boomer.

You’re still determined to salvage the day, so you decided to head to the local café. Upon entering, you were greeted by the warm, inviting aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the soft murmur of conversations. After ordering your usual, you chose a long communal table and sat on the corner.

As you settled in, you opened the draft of your article on your laptop, while a notebook lay ready for you to scribble any spontaneous notes or inspirations. The cursor blinked at you, almost mockingly, but you were in the zone, deeply immersed in crafting your drafts and preparing insightful questions, that the world outside was nothing but a mere meaningless blank canvas.

Your head was running like a bullet train until a voice broke through your concentration.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I share this table?" 

Looking up, you were met with a warm smile from a handsome stranger. 

Handsome was an understatement, this man was gorgeous. He had those brown eyes that were so mesmerising they felt like earth after a summer rain. The kind that you wouldn't mind getting lost in. 

And his smile— God, his smile— felt like a sudden burst of sunlight through a stormy sky, stealing the air from your lungs and leaving you momentarily breathless. 

You knew that exactly because you realised that you had been staring at him for one second too long and your chest was desperate for air.

You quickly gathered your scattered thoughts and motioned toward the empty seat opposite you. "Not at all, please, go ahead," you replied, trying to hide your surprise at the interruption.

The stranger settled into the chair across from you, sipping his coffee casually. He had a book in hand. You tried your best to focus on your own task, but you couldn't help glancing up every once in a while.

There was something strangely familiar about him. It was like stumbling upon a character from a half-remembered dream, someone you couldn't fully place but felt a curious connection to.

Every single of your brain cells were trying so hard to gather your scattering focus to get back to work. You tried to scribble some words on your notebook but your thoughts were getting blurry and the only thing crystal clear was the image of the man sitting in front of you.

“You work for BBC?” He suddenly asked and he could tell that you looked confused so he had to clarify with a small gorgeous smile tugged on his lips, “Your pen. I assume you work there or have stolen it.”

“Oh.” You blinked and gave away a small smile, “Both, actually. I lost mine and took it from an annoying colleague.”

“Ah.. justified.” He replied playfully.

There had to be something wrong with your brain because you couldn’t think of a single comeback. Forget wit, you could’ve said anything casual like a normal person would but nothing came out. Being critical and creative were the reason your mouth was fed and yet you’re speechless in his presence.

Some hand of desperation was tugging inside you to have this conversation going and like a weird interrelation you sensed that he must’ve felt the same way because then he continued,  “Are you on telly, then?” There was a genuine spark of interest in his question.

“No, I’m a feature writer.” You politely corrected him, “I write for History.”

“My apologies.” There was a momentary pause before he continued,  "You know, I read this incredible story on there a couple of months ago about some marine archaeologists discovering an alleged Viking shipwreck off the coast of Ireland. It was so vivid and immersive—I think the writer really nailed it."

"Yeah, I remember that one," you confessed, feeling a touch of bashfulness colour your cheeks, "I actually wrote that piece.”

“No way.” He sounded pleasantly surprised but not in a dramatic kind of way. Like he expected you to be great— like he somehow already knew you, “Though, at first I suspected that it was a Mediaeval ship rather than Viking when I saw a picture of the rudder. Such maritime technology was known later in the time period, not Viking.”

You smiled in disbelief for his astute observation, “It is Mediaeval. They posted their final report recently.”

“Well, it's always nice to know that you are right.” He grinned.

“What are you? A history enthusiast?””

“Something like that.” 

“Oh really?” You sounded slightly surprised by guessing correctly, ”What’s caught your eyes recently?” 

He shrugged, “There’s this relic found in a catacombs in Scotland.”

Your heart beat a single loud thud it echoed to your brain. You tried to mask the shock with a nod and contemplated slightly on the coincidence. But something must be written all over your face because he asked, “Something wrong?”

“Oh, nothing– it’s just a really funny coincidence.”

“What is?”

“I actually have an interview with someone at the museum about said relics on Monday.” You confessed reluctantly.

There was a pause.

“Monday, 11 AM?”

You were a bit thrown off by his knowledge of your schedule, but you didn't want to make assumptions. “..yes. How do you know?”

“Because I, too, have an interview on Monday at 11 AM with a reporter from BBC about said relics.” A playful smile tugged on the corner of his lips, “I mean— feature writer.”

Your eyes widened when the realisation dawned on you. The man sitting in front of you—relaxed, casual, and sipping his coffee—was not just some history enthusiast, he’s a history expert and more specifically the very person you had been cursing in your head for the past couple of weeks.

The coincidence was almost too perfect.

“You’re Dr. Sebastian Sallow?”

“Nice to meet you.” He charmingly said, before taking a sip of his coffee.

Your mouth gaped open slightly trying to find the right words to say to him but you were too bewildered by the figure in front of you.

“I-i’m sorry I just didn’t expect you to look so..” —Handsome? Charming? Astoundingly stunning? Drop-dead gorgeous? Hunky?— “..young.” 

Thank God something appropriate actually came out of your mouth.

He chuckled and set down his coffee, “I get that a lot. I suppose the hazard of this job is people expecting all of us to look like we’re withering away.”

“I guess I did picture someone more slumpy with white hair.” You felt the initial shock begin to melt away as you tittered at his attempt to lighten up the mood, “This is quite a pleasant surprise, Dr. Sallow.”

“Oh please, just Sebastian would suffice.” He waved you off, “It bothers me when people call me Doctor outside of the museum. That title means something else entirely to most of the people here and I don’t want anyone suffering a heart attack expecting me to help them and all I have with me is my humidity control equipment.”

“Fair enough. Just Sebastian.” You joked.

And he laughed at the lamest jest a woman could ever throw. 

This man is handsome, has a great sense of humour, and humble. You’ve only met him for a few minutes and he’s already ticking a lot of boxes. 

Sebastian leaned back in his chair, still grinning. "But if I’m just Sebastian, you can’t be just a feature writer either. We’re both at a disadvantage then."

His eyes locked with yours with that playful glimmer in them. And again, you found yourself at a loss for what to say. You were used to being in control of a conversation, but Sebastian’s easy charm had thrown you off-kilter.

"You’re not going to withhold your name because of some rule of journalistic ethics, are you?"

Sebastian's grin grew wider as he watched you struggle to come up with a response. You were flustered, and he seemed to be relishing the situation a little too much.

Truly, you couldn't shake the feeling that there was something about him that you just couldn't put your finger on. Something pleasant, definitely. The way he spoke, the way your banters flow so naturally, and even the way he smiled—all of it had an air of comfortable familiarity that put you at ease.

"Well?" He prompted, still waiting for your answer.

You blinked, realising you had been silent for too long. You could feel a blush spreading on your cheeks. You introduced yourself, your name rolling off his tongue in a way that sounded almost musical. And there it was, that odd sense of familiarity you had felt earlier, a touch of déjà vu that had caught you off guard. The sound of your name on Sebastian's lips, the way he repeated it, testing the syllables.. it sounds just.

But strangely, you didn't mind. In fact, you almost revelled in it. Sebastian's gaze met yours, holding it just a moment too long. That flicker of recognition in his eyes mirrored your own. You felt that strange comfort again, as if he understood whatever you’re feeling, too.

“I do apologise for the delays. I had to attend to some urgent matter.”

“Oh, please, it’s alright.” Lie. That was an absolute lie.

“Since the museum is literally across the street, do you want to have a look? I could show you around and perhaps give you a headstart for the interview.” He suggested, “I could at least try to make up for the delay. If I’m not interrupting anything, of course.”

The offer to view the relics early was certainly tempting, especially knowing the pressure you were under to meet the deadline. But if you could be honest, getting to spend more time with Sebastian was what sold you.. His easy-going nature was refreshing, and the banter was already so much better than any interview you’ve had.

“I suppose a little preview can’t hurt.” You agreed, a smile tugging at your lips. “Lead the way, Dr— er, Sebastian.”

The museum stood majestically across the street, an elegant building that exuded an aura of history and mystery. Instead of leading you to the usual main entrance, Sebastian guided you through a small side entrance, known only to museum staff and researchers.

He held the door open for you, a gentlemanly gesture that warmed your heart just a little more. The hallway was quiet, with the stillness broken only by the soft sound of your footsteps on the tiled floor. Sebastian led you towards a door at the end of the corridor.

As he pushed open the door, it revealed a wide room that looked more like a combination of a lab and an office space. There were shelves lined with various tools, equipment, and all sorts of items that you assume were historical artefacts, were placed all over.

As you glanced at the relics spread out on the lab equipment, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of awe. There was something intimate and profound about having access to history in such a raw and unadulterated state. You were used to writing articles about historical events and interviewing people in the field, but this was different.

This was a peek behind the curtain, an up-close-and-personal experience unlike anything you had ever had before. It reminded you of the time your parents took you to a sweet shop.

Sebastian noticed your wide-eyed wonder and smiled, "It's something, isn't it? This is where the real magic happens. Each artefact here has a story waiting to be uncovered."

You nodded, still taking in the scene. "It's incredible.”

He led you further and you followed behind him, "This is where we carefully study, preserve, and sometimes even restore pieces of history. It's a meticulous process, but incredibly rewarding."

He pointed to a workbench where a delicate, ornate vase was being examined. "For example, this vase was found in a burial site in Wales. It's over a thousand years old, and we're trying to learn more about the culture that created it."

“The detail is astonishing.” You marvelled at its intricate patterns and delicate craftsmanship, a testament to the skill of its maker.

Sebastian was clearly amused by your reaction as the smile painted on his face was as wide as yours. 

He then guided you to another section of the lab, where a different artefact lay under soft lighting, carefully displayed on a padded surface. It was a small, ornately decorated bronze mirror, its reflective surface dulled with age but still faintly gleaming.

"This," Sebastian said, "is another fascinating piece. It's a Celtic mirror, also found around the area where we found the vase and it dates back to around the same period. Mirrors like this one were not just utilitarian objects but it also held significant cultural and spiritual value."

Your eyes trailed along the other tables. The beauty of these items were clearly overwhelming and to be surrounded by such rich history was an amazing feeling. 

Amongst the collections, your eyes faltered into an object that appeared to be some sort of cane. The wood of the shaft looked like a well polished ebony with a brass handle and it looked relatively new compared to some of the others that were certainly ancient. 

Curiosity piqued, you turned to Sebastian and asked, "What about this one? It’s so beautiful. How does it look so well-preserved, though? How old is it?"

Sebastian’s eyes were a little bit flustered. He carefully lifted it from its display stand. "Ah, this one is actually younger than us."

You blinked in surprise. "Huh? What do you mean?"

He smiled, holding the cane carefully. "I just got it from a shop down at the market. It’s for my roommate. He’s blind."

 “Oh.” Well, that’s not embarrassing at all.

A few pieces later, you eventually circled back to the purpose of your visit: the relic you were meant to be writing about.

It was an ancient, intricately carved triangular piece, rumoured to have ties to a long-lost civilisation. The designs were rather suspicious and eerie which Sebastian later explained that some people believed it was used for some sort of dark magic ritual. 

At that point you don’t know what was more beautiful, the way he captivated you with his eloquence or the way his eyes sparkled with so much passion in what he’s doing.

It wasn’t just his knowledge that drew you in— it was the way he made you feel connected to the past, to something greater than yourself. His presence was magnetic, and you found yourself wanting to know more—not just about the relic, but about him.

His smile, when he caught your gaze, was warm and genuine. It made your heart flutter in a way you hadn’t expected. It’s so magical you were practically spellbound. You realised that you were no longer interested in the story you were here to write but you were way more enthralled by the man who was telling it.

When the formalities of your interview were completed, Sebastian suggested showing you a special place within the museum. Intrigued, you agreed. He led you through a series of winding corridors, past exhibits and storage rooms, until you arrived at a small, unmarked door. He unlocked it with a key he retrieved from his pocket, and you both stepped inside.

The room was a hidden gem, unlike any other part of the museum. It was a spacious atrium with a glass ceiling, allowing the evening light to filter through and bathe the room in a soft, golden glow. It’s an indoor garden that gives off a serene, almost magical atmosphere. In the centre of the room was a small fountain, the gentle sound of trickling water adding to the tranquillity

He led you to an alcove that overlooked a small pond. You leaned against the railing while Sebastian shared anecdotes about his childhood, his inspirations, and the journey that led him to become a historian. He mentioned that his twin sister, who had recently overcome cancer, was under his sole care, which was his reason for rescheduling your meeting a couple of times. 

The more he opened up to you, the more familiar he felt. Despite hearing his stories for the first time, none of it felt foreign. Each laugh, each sigh, and each heartfelt revelation came with a comforting rhythm between the two of you. It made the evening feel like an unfolding chapter of a story you were always meant to be a part of in a strange yet pleasant way possible.

It was in this context that you found yourself unable to shake the feeling that there was something more to your connection. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask this,” you said, a hint of hesitation in your voice, “have we met before?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head, “I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, I just— I don’t know how to explain it but this entire day has been feeling like a—” Your head was searching for the right word but Sebastian managed to find it for you.

“Like a déjà vu?”

“Exactly.” You said softly, “Like a déjà vu.”

Sebastian hummed in agreement, his eyes studying your face intently. It was as if he too, was trying to decipher the strange familiarity that seemed to linger between the two of you.

“So you’re feeling the same way?”

“Yeah.”

There was an extended silence, allowing the both of you to get lost in your thoughts. 

"I’ve been trying to figure out why this day feels so surreal. Meeting you, the sound of your name, even the way everything is unfolding—it’s like it’s part of a story I already know." He confessed, “Like this was some forgotten history written some time ago and when I look at you.. something in me recognises you. It’s like we’re supposed to know each other somehow.”

He managed to articulate exactly what you were feeling. Then he moved closer to you, “Do you believe in destiny, by any chance?"

A smile tugged at the corner of your lips as Sebastian posed the question. You've never been one to believe in destiny—or fate for that matter. But something about this situation, this moment, seemed to defy all rules and logic.

“Not usually, no. I’m more of a taking-my-own-chances kind of woman.” You replied truthfully, ”Do you?”

“I’m not sure,” He admitted while his eyes never left yours. “But I do believe in probabilities. Do you know why?”

You swallowed hard, your heart now hammering against your ribcage with increasing speed. 

“No,” You whispered, your voice suddenly sounding very small, “Why?”

“Probabilities are often tied to the idea of potentiality and the nature of existence. It’s about the likelihood of certain outcomes based on a series of events and choices that can lead us to moments that feel almost destined.” He began, “Some theories believe that these events might interact and create an infinite number of new realities.”

As he spoke, his fingers lightly touched your resting arm.

“Essentially, you could be the archeologist and I am the writer. Or you could be a hero and I could be a wizard.” He took another step closer, “In this vast expanse of parallel realities, there is a probability that our choices might have led us to cross paths. And perhaps in some of those realities, we already have.”

No matter how many possibilities there were, you knew there was only one outcome you truly wished for.

“What’s the probability of us meeting today in this version of reality, then?”

“If we consider the vastness of all possible outcomes and the nearly infinite number of parallel realities, the chance of us meeting today in this particular one— I’d say almost impossible.” His fingers continued to lightly trace your arm, “And yet here we are, having this conversation. I guess despite that infinitesimal probability, something extraordinary has happened.”

You hummed, “I guess no amount of parallel universes or alternative realities can account for the fact that sometimes–some people–are meant to be.”

“I thought you’re more of a taking your own chances kind of woman.”

You leaned in closer until you could feel his breath on your skin. He was now so close, you could count the eyelashes framing his brown eyes and the freckles that decorate his skin, “Well, I’m taking my chances now.”

Finally, you closed the final gap and met him in a kiss that  felt like a culmination of those infinite possibilities. Sebastian's arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer as the kiss deepened. You were acutely aware of every sensation: the taste of his lips, the firmness of his hold against you, the heat of his body against yours.

You didn’t know what you had expected of his kiss. Merely hours ago, you never knew Sebastian existed and yet his touch on your lips felt as familiar as a cherished memory. There was a warmth and a tenderness in his kiss that spoke of a connection far deeper than the short time you had known each other.

It was not like any other kiss you’ve ever experienced. Not a single word in the dictionary can come close in describing the overwhelming splash you feel throughout your entire body. This man— this stranger—was kissing you back, and you were certain that everything felt perfectly right.

When you finally pulled back, you both were breathless, faces inches apart, foreheads touching and his eyes were still locked onto yours.

“Kissing a woman I just met in the coffee shop today was definitely not on my list.” He admitted

You smiled, feeling a warmth spread through you that had nothing to do with the room’s temperature. “Me, too. But I’m glad it happened.”

You both stood there for a moment longer, savouring the intimacy of the shared space and the connection that had formed between you. As you continued sharing the moment, Sebastian still had his arms wrapped around you until eventually, you both knew it was time to leave. But he didn’t want to let go and neither did you.

“You know,” He began, “Since we’ve practically had the interview. What if we go out for brunch, let’s say, Monday 11 AM?”

“Yeah? And what’s next?”

“Hmm, we could have a walk? Have dinner some time after? Or perhaps we could make out in some other places?”

Your laughter came out light and carefree. Sebastian had to mentally take a note of his new favourite music, “All of the above, please. I don’t want any of it to end.”

“Neither do I,” His eyes softened as he looked at you, “Or we could keep taking chances and see where it takes us?”

“Sounds perfect.” You leaned in once again to give a final kiss on his lips.

[rathenarts]

Project wallet made from an old needlepoint canvas! Polyester/cotton lining and faux suede back. Everything here is salvaged, thrifted or inherited materials except for the buttons; including the needlepoint panel itself, which I bought already completed from a charity shop for a couple of pounds. All hand stitched.

This is the second of these I've made, so I've improved on a few points from the original prototype and I'm very happy with the result. I'll definitely be making more, as they're fun to put together and they really are useful...

[purplephloxpress]

总有一天 a place to hide (can't find one near) - yiqie

That’s just the thing, isn’t it? Wei Ying feels nothing. He doesn’t feel anything, and this emptiness should scare him. He knows he should be scared. He wants to be scared. He isn’t. Fear itself is never scary; fear is just a response. It means that your body wants you alive. It’s the absence of terror that scares him.

I had SO MUCH FUN with this bind! This one had a lot of firsts for me, and is one that I really poured my heart into due to its particular emotional impact on me (tl;dr - I was a piano major in college, burned out, this fic helped me fall in love with music again). It's an Untamed WangXian Pianists AU (TW for anyone interested that it deals with attempted suicide and life following that) and I tried to tie that into the design details literally everywhere I could think of. Black and white cover paper, music note scene breaks, and my absolute favorite part to create: sheet music title pages. The particular song used for that is a recurring motif in the fic and one that means a lot to me personally, and I knew I wanted to include it somehow. Unfortunately I couldn't find an existing image of the sheet music that was high enough quality to use how I wanted, so I used a sheet music program to input it myself!

This book was my first time doing any sort of edge decoration, and I had fun figuring out how to splatter paint with a toothbrush (Spouse: is that supposed to be blood? Me: no but also... kind of?) and it was also my first time doing endbands! (Shout out to the friends who walked me through it over voice chat one evening, and then rolled their eyes when I announced that I'd torn them out and done them over again. Twice.) I went with red and black for both of those parts to match the main characters canonical color scheme, and also because I liked the dramatic pop of color against the black and white cover.

Spine titling was done once again with a foil quill, and I decided to paint the Chinese title of the fic on the cover. I couldn't find a paintbrush that let me get as fine tipped and detailed as I wanted so I may or may not have used a toothpick to paint it on.

I prevailed over: somehow deleted half of my page numbers and had to reprint the WHOLE THING! Forgot to measure the boards as part of my spine width and had to do surgery with 2mm strips of paper! (Thankfully had allowed plenty of hinge because I didn't realize until I'd finished ALL of the titling and I would have cried if I couldn't salvage it) Truly this is my child and I adore how it turned out. Is it perfect? No. Are there things I would change? Sure. But I learned and I did and I'm so goddamn proud of it!

(See below the cut if you want specific details on the binding)

What pieces went into making it:

Fandom: The Untamed

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji

Bookcloth: black Brillianta

Cover paper: black and silver marbled lokta

Endpapers: red cardstock

Titling: foil quill, acrylic paint, acrylic paint pen

Endbands: leather cording for the core, DMC embroidery thread for the bands

Body font: Adobe Garamond Pro

Title fonts: Long Cang and Canva Holiday

Text message font: Nirmala UI

Scene breaks created in Canva

Title page sheet music created using MuseScore

[feyhunter78]

A part two for the scar on your palm please 🥺 i must know how aemond announces it, the drama the detail all of if i must know!

But really if you do make a part 2 I appreciate your time and effort! It means a lot! Your writing is fantastic!

Lol I got super carried away with this one XD I hope you like it though!!! I'm so happy you wanted a part two!!!! <3

TW: Death, abusive language, reader's father is physically abusive, but it's short

The Scar on Your Palm pt. 2

You stood beside Aemond as he stared but his and your father down.

“Father, Lord y/n, I know there is a betrothal set for Lady y/n, but it cannot be honored.”

Both men looked at him, his father speaking first. “And why is that?”

Aemond held up yours and his scarred palms. “At the age of ten and six, we were married in Valyrian tradition. To force her to marry another would be bigamy.”

Your father’s face was a canvas painted with a multitude of emotions, and his eyes darted to the king.

Aemond dropped your hand, and switched to holding your hand behind your backs, squeezing it to reassure you.

 He showed no sign of fear, but you? You were terrified. How were you to know that ceremony was binding? It was all in High Valyrian a language at that time you struggled to grasp. It was not that you did not want to be married to Aemond, but you feared what your father would do.

“You mean to tell me you have married the Lady y/n without anyone’s permission and have merely let us all run around like fools for years searching to find you both matches?” King Viserys said, his eyes hard, his tone less so—sounding almost entertained.

“Yes father. Y/N and I are bound by Valarian tradition, and we have consummated our marriage many times over.” Aemond said, his head held high, voice steady.

Your own head hung in shame, why oh, why did he have to say many times over? It was prudent enough to say their marriage had been consummated and be done with it.

“Y/N is this true?” Your father asked.

You stepped forward, releasing Aemond’s hand and addressing your father. “Yes, it is, and I am so sorry father, I did not know that—”

“You did not know that sullying your virtue with a prince would still make it impossible for you to marry? That binding yourself in some outdated ritual was not an excuse to throw yourself at the nearest man?” His voice was angry and raising in volume.

“Now, Lord y/l/n, there is no need to shout.” King Viserys said calmly.

“Is there no way to undo what they have done? None of this news needs to leave this room, y/n may still be able to salvage her betrothal.” Your father said, turning to the king.

“Y/N is my lady wife, she has been so for years now, there is no undoing of what we have done.” Aemond spoke up, anger just below the surface.

“My son speaks true, Valyrian wedding ceremonies are legally binding.” He turned to Aemond. “Who performed the ceremony?”

“My aunt and your cousin, father, Princess Rhaenys.” Aemond said.

Viserys massaged his temples. “Here I was hoping you had asked Aegon and then perhaps an argument could be made, but Rhaenys would not perform the ceremony with false intentions.”

Your father was livid, and he grabbed your arm, yanking you close. “You have ruined yourself and this family, you stupid girl.” He hissed.

Tears pooled in your eyes. “Father I am so sorry, I was not aware that it was binding, but I love Aemond, and marriage to a prince would be better for the family, think of the benefits.” You pleaded.

Viserys had called Aemond up to the throne and was speaking to him in low tones.

“Benefits? What benefits are there to a broken promise and a whore for a daughter?” Your father sneered, his grip on your arm tightening.

“I know I have disappointed you, but father, you are hurting me.” You tried to pull your arm away, your eyes flickering to Aemond.

Your father grabbed your chin and jerked your head back towards him. “Do not look at him, that son of a Hightower whore, he cannot save you. You must face the consequences of your actions.”

You swallowed hard, fear twisting around your lungs and seizing. “Father, please, not in front of the king, think of what others will say.”

“You have already ensured they will speak.” His hand reared back, and your head snapped to the side with the force of the blow. The sound of his hand slapping against the skin of your cheek echoed throughout the hall, and you kept your eyes down as you braced yourself for the second blow. He hit your other cheek, the strength behind it sending you staggering to the floor.

“Father...I am so sorry.” You choked out, cheeks stinging, vision blurry with tears. You could vaguely hear someone yelling, but there was a ringing in your head that drowned it out.

When no other blow fell you pushed yourself up to see King Viserys struggling to restrain Aemond who was lunging for your father.

“You vile, wicked man, how dare you lay a hand on my wife?” He spat, breaking out of his father’s hold and lunging at your father, his hands wrapping around his neck.

King Viserys called for guards and rushed over to you, helping you to your feet. “Are you alright, Lady y/n?” He asked kindly.

“I did not mean to cause such trouble; I am truly sorry.” You cried, voice trembling, as you brought your hands together, thumb rubbing at your scarred palm.

“No, no, the blame is not yours.” King Viserys reassured you.

The guards finally pulled Aemond from your father and threw him towards you.

Aemond tugged you into his embrace. “Ñuha dōna, are you alright, are you in pain?” His words were rushed, and you could feel him trembling against you.

“My skin stings, but the ringing in my head is quiet now.” You said, burying your face in the crook of his neck, tears dripping onto his tunic.

He rubbed your back soothingly. “Oh my love, my wife, I never should have let go of your hand, forgive me?”

“I forgive you, you had no way of knowing he would harm me, husband.” You said, pressing yourself closer to him as your father began screaming.

“How dare you? I was disciplining my child. It is my right?”

Aemond turned, pushing you behind his back, his arm keeping you close. “Your right? She is my wife. If anyone is to discipline her, it would be me. You lost that right the day we bound our souls together.”

Your father shook his head. “You do not understand, and it seems I was not strict enough with y/n, but daughters need strict discipline, or they will turn out to be whores. You will understand this if you are cursed with your own daughter.”

Aemond’s shoulders tensed, and he stalked forward, leaving you in the company of his father. “My wife is not a whore.” He snarled, grabbing your father by the lapels of his coat. “And you are a fool to think I would ever lay a hand on a child. In fact, you should pray y/n does not bless me with a daughter. For if she does, our girl will be raised the way we see fit, and when she is old enough, I will take her to spit on your grave.”

Your heart fluttered at the way Aemond defended you and your future children, and it skipped several beats when he looked back at you, his hand inching towards his dagger. In a rush of rage and courage, you nodded.

Aemond’s hand moved faster than you could blink, and soon your father was crumbling to the ground, Aemond’s dagger piercing straight through his throat. “Perhaps even our sons will spit on your grave as well.”

You should not have found that attractive, you knew this, but a wild part of you craved your husband, and you rushed to his side.

Your father reached for you, but you ignored him, fretting over Aemond instead. “My love, did they hurt you?”

He cupped your face and kissed your forehead. “No, sweet wife, I am unharmed.”

You sighed in relief and let Aemond lead you out of the hall, his arm linked with yours.

Tag list: @nyctophilic0vitnir, @svtansdaddyx, @fan-goddess, @dc-marvel-girl96, @shintax-error, @bellameshipper, @the141bandicoot, @the-phantom-of-arda

[asnowfern]

Crimson Starlight

Summary: His fingers twitch before clenching into a fist at the side of his body. He wears a nostalgic smile as amethyst eyes take in every detail, lost in every smudge and swipe of water colours. A secret conversation between him and the long gone artist. 

A lost history of the world's most iconic female impressionist artist and her first ever sale of an art piece. 

~~~

OR Vampire Rhys and human Feyre falling in love in 1880s Paris.

Rating: M, some blood and violence

WC: 4.2k

Read on AO3

A/N: Happy Feysand Week everybody!

Written for day 2 of @officialfeysandweek2023 prompt: Hobbies Because she likes to paint🎨 and he likes blood🩸 (The link is tenuous I know)

Thank you so much to @octobers-veryown for helping me check on the art history stuff! Love you💜

THE FEYRE ARCHERON EXHIBIT

Defying English societal norms and her middle class background, Feyre Archeron propelled to notoriety at a private art gallery in 1889, rendering critics of the community speechless with her stunning use of colours and bold impressionistic still life paintings. Eventually, paving the way for the self-taught artist to win the gold medal at the 1900 Exposition Universelle in Paris. 

Come celebrate with us one of the most prolific and trailblazing female artists in history.

***

She watches from her corner in the cool exhibition as the man enters the room. His tailored jacket clings to his broad frame, the first two opened buttons of crisp white shirt reveal whorling black ink and tantalisingly teases lean muscles underneath. His presence is commanding even  as his steps hitched in the middle of the exhibit, sharp violet eyes zeroing in on a portrait hung at the opposite end of the room, almost hidden from view from the general public. As if, it's a portrait which only he knows the existence of.

The lights of the museum seemingly follows him as he strides towards the painting, an aureate glow reflecting off dark skin with every step. He looks up at the smeared bright colours tracing three distinct lifeforms, the brush strokes in a distinctly different style. 

His fingers twitch before clenching into a fist at the side of his body. He wears a nostalgic smile as amethyst eyes take in every detail, lost in every smudge and swipe of water colours. A secret conversation between him and the long gone artist. 

A lost history of the world's most iconic female impressionist artist and her first ever sale of an art piece. 

===

A deafening crack of thunder over Hyde Park snaps Feyre out of focus, her hand twitches and sends dark shades of brown splashing over delicate painted hands. Ruining what was supposed to be portraits of her sisters. Matching storm in crystal blue eyes narrows as she swears, her mind races on how she could correct the misstep and salvage the painting.

Another clap of Zeus's lightning bolt sends rain down on the garden. It quickly soaks the canvas sitting and accumulates water on her precious paint. Dismayed, Feyre closes the easel and gathers her materials. Within the next minute, she ducks into a small stand and relies on the small red brick structure above her for shelter. 

Assessing eyes surveys her now damp canvas and sculpted lips curl inwards in dismay. Canvas are expensive, paint all the more so. For them to be wasted and ruined by the rain. The number of meals she may have to skip out on to recuperate the losses. 

She stares idly at the splotchy colours as her mind overlays new images of how the painting could look like. Her hand pauses in mid-air as she reaches for a new brush. It is something different, something new. 

Leaving no further room for doubt, she lowers her brush to the canvas in a smooth decisive stroke. With a slight curve to the lips, her brushes levels swipe after swipe, adding more colours, more shapes, more shadows. More. 

Suddenly, her hand stills. Feyre inhales sharply.

A chill runs down her spine and raises the hair at the back of her neck. Feyre shivers as she looks up, surprised that night has fallen in what had to be hours since she escaped to the shelter. 

As fast as it came, the pressing fear lifts from her chest and returns her breath back to her. Her fingers tremble as she dumps the brushes into her cup, quickly rinsing out the paint. 

"That's a beautiful painting," a low, silky voice says from behind her. 

Despite instincts screaming at her to run, Feyre turns towards the source of the voice and her mouth goes dry. 

The man is impossibly beautiful. 

Sharp sensual lines trace his facial features, his mouth pulls into a smirk with a hint of white gleaming through. He draws himself closer, wrapping her in a sea of salt and citrus. She feels her back practically arching towards him in response - closer, closer. 

He leans, not into her but towards the canvas, pausing for a stretched second. When he finally turns his gaze on her, the world quietens. For there are no colours that Feyre could mix to emulate the violet in his eyes. No, not just violet but the varying shades of blue and purple. It is like a galaxy, drawing you in until nothing else matters. 

"Hello, darling," he purrs. 

The words break the enchantment and Feyre steps away, her back colliding into a pillar. The stone cold surface spurs her into action, hands flying to keep her belongings. 

Rough calloused fingers gently close around her wrist. He asks lightly, "What's the hurry?" 

Feyre fights to keep her eyes open, fights to not lose herself in the smooth silk of his voice. She breathes out shakily, "I don't want any trouble. Just let me go and you'll never have to see me again." 

"Why would I ever want that?" He returns sharply, her hand remains rigid in the air even as he releases it.

A tension locks in her jaw as she pushes down the primal fear. She lifts her chin slightly, "Well, then what do you want?" 

"I want," he pauses as if to collect his thoughts, his eyes drifting back to the coarse board sitting on the easel, "I want to see the finished work." 

"Why?"

"Because I might like to buy it." 

The words sound genuine and takes her by surprise. She swallows the lump, her heartbeat kicking up a notch, "You're lying."

The man studies her for a moment, she resists the urge to squirm under the intensity of his stare. Finally, he asks, "Can you afford to let me go on the possibility that I might be telling the truth?"

Hot wells of embarrassment burn her cheeks as he touches on a sore subject. She has never sold a painting. Without the easy privilege that comes with wealth and titles, a female artist with no formal training or connections can never sell or exhibit.

Forever an amateur. 

She straightens her back to raise steely blue eyes to vibrant violet, saying carefully, "I'd consider it if you're telling the truth."

The edges of his mouth flick upwards, "Let's set up a meet when you've completed," he hands her a card with a name and address in Grosvenor Square, "We can discuss over dinner." 

He lifts her hand to brush his lips, spreading warmth over her frigid knuckles. Feyre swallows thickly, "This time, a week from now" 

He glances up, his lips lingering a touch longer than what is probably appropriate before drawing himself back to full height, "Very well, bring the completed piece and a couple more of your favourite ones. I will send a carriage to you at seven pm next Tuesday." 

She nods and gives her address down in Bayswater, her mouth set in a grim line. The man steps a respectful distance backward, giving her slight how, "I'll be counting down the minutes before I am able to see you again…"

"Feyre"

His eyes twinkled like stars in the night sky, "till then, Feyre darling." 

Feyre looks up at the blanket of clouds as she walks home, her hands clutching tightly onto the easel. She hopes that she did not just invite a murderer into the home of her and her sisters.

===

Feyre stares at the intricate designs etched into the wooden door. She shifts slightly and readjusts her grip on the numerous covered paintings sandwiched between her arm and body. Taking a deep breath, she raises her hand to grab the knocker. Only for the door to swing open to reveal her mysterious buyer - Rhysand, from the card, her brain reminds her.

Her eyes unwittingly drags up and down the male. He, Rhysand, has shed his jacket today. The sheer white shirt hangs loosely on his body but does little to hide his muscular physique. With a teasing smirk and another caress of his lips against the back of her palm, he leads her down a tastefully decorated corridor. 

The tight trousers, Feyre thinks, was definitely a conscious choice on his part. 

"Is there no one else here?" She asks as they enter a dining room, her head swivelling around, noting the lack of people around.

"Why, Feyre," Rhysand teases, smiling widely to reveal sharp pearly white canines, "are you enquiring after my marital status?" Feyre is about to scoff when he croons, his eyes slightly darkened, "Fortunately, I remain a bachelor." 

This time, Feyre does scoff, settling her paintings down with a huff, "It doesn't concern me if a potential art dealer is a married man or a bachelor. Although," she nods her head in gesture of her surroundings even as he bends at the waist to carefully study the pieces, "you don't seem like a very discerning collector."

Rhysand draws to his full height as he smiles wanely, "There hasn't been art that made me want to collect as much as yours."

She withholds a frown to mark his sincerity, announcing, "I have not yet decided if you're conman or a predator." 

He lets out a barking laugh, "Darling, I am sincere in my offer, but," his voice drops into dark velvet and awakens a dangerous heat in her, "make no mistake about it. I am most definitely a predator." 

With her hackles raised, she meets the darkened stare with her own, "And what makes you think that I'm a prey?" 

"No, you're not," Amethyst eyes glint as he dips his chin in agreement. Then as fast as a switch, he drops the heat and speaks formally, "Fifty pounds for the painting from the park and a thirty percent commission on all future sales."

Though she is sure her eyes are round with disbelief, she forces the breathlessness out of her voice, "Let's talk terms over dinner."

Dinner goes smoothly, a simple yet elegant affair. Servants slip in and out only to bring in food. Gentle clanks of chinaware bounce around the room as they eat. 

"Paris?" Feyre asks incredulously, her dessert fork hitting the plate loudly, "You want me to move to Paris? With you?"

He shrugs, the very picture of nonchalance, "Is there anywhere else better to be?" 

Her jaw clamps down on the delicate pastry. He is right, of course. The city of light is the epicenter of Europe's art scene - the birthplace of the often condescended upon impressionism. A place she could flourish much better than stuffy London. The marginal freedom she could attain as a female artist. 

Her sisters are comfortable with the small inheritance they've received with their mother's death. She could modestly live off the money Rhysand is offering for the painting for a couple of months. She could entrench herself in the landscape, learning and absorbing. She could actually be an artist. She could, she could, she could. 

Her heart lifts ever so slightly in hope and excitement.

She could.

===

Feyre wrestles her hands behind her back as she observes the casual art dealers surrounding her. It's been a few weeks since her move to Paris and things have progressed well enough that when she heard about Helion Spell-cleaver's private art exhibition, she paid the small fee and signed up for entry. 

"Look, Dagdan. It's the same distinctive wild brushstrokes as before. This must be Rhysand Night's artist then," a low voice sneers from a distance, "the new star."

Feyre releases the iron grip on her hands and forces them open and relaxed. Her back straightens with every stretched beat as she turns to the pair, schooling her expression into one of impassion.

Dagdan and Brannagh. 

Hailing from the upper echelons of French government and strong familial ties to the leadership of the society of French artists, the sibling duo made their debut at the last Salon with a piece Feyre found to be derivative. A pale attempt to pander to the recent commercial success of mixing impressionism elements into classical art styles the Salon prefers. A view that is sometimes whispered clandestinely around the community but never to their faces.

"Yes," the brother tuts, his elbow tight around his sister's, "and the same obscene mix of colours. But the price that it fetched? They say it's avante garde but I don't get it. Perhaps the perception of the common," his eyes flick disdainfully at the slightly frayed material of her plain cotton dress and distinct lack of a corset and bustle, "just isn't something that we can understand." 

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Feyre forces on a polite barely passable smile, interjecting, "Perhaps, the perception of the common is more suited for the masses. I couldn't possibly begin to understand the, er, beauty from a trained eye." 

"No," Brannagh curls a perfectly shaped lip in haughty contempt, "you really wouldn't." Her voice drops a decibel, "Mark my words, your name will be forgotten the day you stop offering extra services to your sponsor."

Her fists clenched into tight balls as they stalk away, the low rumble of their sniggers fuelling the burn in Feyre's cheeks. 

The words still haunt Feyre days later. She growls in frustration as she lifts a charcoal to paper for the umpteenth time that day. Her mind draws a blank. 

Obscene mix of colours. 

The charcoal breaks into pieces as it collides against the hard floor. Feyre bends her knees to pick up the pieces and inadvertently collapses to the ground. The cool sting of marble permeates through the fabric to reach her skin. 

She twists her body slightly to rest against the leg of the chair, her eyes falling shut. It's just to rest her eyes, she tells herself. The next time she opens them, she will be ready to face her canvas. She thinks as Brannagh and Dagdan's voices melt into a pot of derisive laughter.

==

"Feyre, wake up!" 

Large hands envelope her, pressing her against a stiff jacket while gently shaking her awake. Feyre whines at the intrusion, "Five more minutes." 

The pressure of fingertips on her lessens and a low chuckle reverberates pleasantly down her spine. "Wake up, darling."

Her lids flutter open and Rhys swims into vision, lines of concern carved into his face. The lines lessen as he takes in her waking form, gradually giving into tender amusement. 

"Rhys?"

"You had me worried for a moment there"

She groans, sitting up. A warm palm lingers on her back, lending her support, "What time is it?" 

"Nine," he answers, his brows pinched together. 

Feyre rubs the bridge of her nose. She is more than two hours late for their appointment, no wonder he showed up. She gives a woeful look, "I'm really sorry about this. I was just really tired." 

He doesn't say anything. Instead the arms which are still wrapped around her tighten and there is suddenly nothing else in her world but a salty sea of citrus. 

"I was so afraid that something had happened to you." The confession comes out in the slightest of whispers. 

"It's just an ill-timed nap," she murmurs into his chest, his confession prompting one of her own, "I've been having a block the past few days. Ever since the gallery." 

They lock gazes, Rhys searching her expression. But for what, Feyre cannot say. Finally, a familiar smirk returns, "I think I have a solution for that." 

Refusing to let her change out of her paint speckled dress, he ushers her into a carriage and sets them off with haste. The infuriating man refuses to let her sneak a peek out of the carriage window, even after they have arrived at their destination.

"Is this really necessary?" She huffs as he ties a scarf around her eyes. 

"Yes, now hush." 

With a last good natured hush, Feyre loops a shaky arm around her mysterious broker's elbow and follows. She relaxes after a couple of minutes.

"Hold tight, darling." 

"What, why?"

Feyre stifles a gasp as the ground beneath her moves upwards, leaving her stomach behind. With reflexes faster than what the other probably expected, she whips the blindfold off her head. 

Dark metallic structures whirl past her at impossible speed, bringing them higher and higher. She lurches forward as the contraception comes to a halt, only strong arms which are still circled around her shoulders keep her upright. 

She gingerly steps forward to move towards the viewing balcony. Every inch of her body thinks of nothing but to lean against that edge, "How? This isn't open to the public yet " 

He gives a mysterious smile of his, "I have my ways." 

She sniffs at the non-answer. But it doesn't matter, she peers downwards at the small dots that littered the streets of Paris, the shimmering glow of the street lamps glinting at her like stars. It is suddenly obvious why Paris is known as the City of Light. 

But to speak of stars.

She shifts her gaze upwards and reaches out a hand. She's so close to the stars, closer than she's ever been before. 

Colours burst in her mind, a cacophony of swirls and lines. Her lips relax and pull upwards at the image. She turns back to Rhys, "Thank you"

The male remains silent, his eyes are shaped like the moon and reflected wonder, "Do that again" 

"Do what?" 

His lips trembled, "Smile"

Her face splits open as a warmth fills her chest.

"Welcome to Paris, Feyre darling."

===

Feyre races down the street, swerving through Parisians, earning herself disapproving glances and tuts. She ignores them in favour of the paper scrunched up in her palm and the bursting excitement in her chest. 

Exposition Universelle, Exposition Universelle. They are actually going to showcase her art at the Exposition Universelle - the world's fair to show the progress and success of the French and they wanted to display her art. The art of a no-name, English female impressionist. Her entire being vibrates with excitement.

She barges through Rhys's door, her chest heaving as she tries to regain her breath. The brunette darts around before dashing up the stairs and into Rhys's study.

Never mind that she did not have an appointment. For what is an appointment in the face of such fantastic news?

Apparently, very important. She thinks as her eyes numbly take in the sight before her.

Her throat fills with pennies, her tongue becoming numb in her mouth. Blood roars in her ears.

Rhys is locked in a lover's embrace with another woman. Her head lolls back and her eyes are glazed. She sighs in pleasure as familiar large hands hold the back of her head in an iron grip, his full lips pressed to her neck. 

She should be mortified. Maybe even betrayed. Yet, a tight, blooming heat erupts in her stomach. Feyre's back hits the shelf behind her with a thud. Rhysand snaps his head dangerously towards her. His hand loosens on the woman, who slides to the floor.

Twin streaks of blood flow from his mouth and dribble down his chin. 

With her heart still pounding jungle beats, Feyre turns around and bolts. She barely makes it to the stairs before a flash of black snarls and sweeps her off the ground, launching them into the air. 

They land roughly at the base of the steps, hard arms absorbing the crucial impact from the ground. His heavy body pins her down. A guttural growl vibrates the narrow space between them. 

She should be terrified, horrified, petrified. And she is all of those things. Yet, her brain is still caught up in the way Rhys had embraced the woman, her moans and sighs of limp pleasure, the trail of blood running down his chin as he fixed her a feral, hungry glare. 

Teeth, no, fangs scrape up the surface of her cotton dress and rips the high collar. His hot breath tickles the length of her exposed throat and raises goosebumps. Another low snarl escapes his throat.

His pupils are blown wide open, a black hole consumes the vibrant galaxy she is used to seeing. No, this is not the Rhys she knows. A paralysing fear seizes her body.

He lowers his head once more, sharp fangs join the soft wet tongue, poised at her jugular. Feyre squeezes her eyes shut, a choked sob escapes her as pain erupts, "Rhys"

Immediately, the hard pressure lifts and is replaced by a pliable heat. The pain lessens. 

"I am so sorry, Feyre," she relaxes her eyes open to see sorrowful violet eyes staring back at her, "Sleep" 

There is nothing left to do but to let the darkness pull her under. 

===

Dear Feyre darling, There are no pretty words I can use to defend what happened, nor will I ply you with lies. The truth is I am an unholy creature, an undead monster of the night. I prey on humans and leech off them. So as much as it pains me, I understand if you never want to see me again. If it is agreeable to you, Helion Spell-cleaver has agreed to be your agent and will be awaiting your correspondence. My dear heart, in the short weeks that we have known each other, you have become everything. You brought beauty into the humdrum of my centuries of existence. A shining star in the endless dark sky. A brightness that I sully with my very presence. A fact I grew comfortable ignoring. But alas, reality has caught up and I can't pretend to be what I am not any longer.  Instead, I wish you the very best - at the upcoming Exposition Universelle and all future endeavours. I know you will shine, as you always have, and always will. Yours eternally, Rhysand

The paper remains crumbled in Feyre's hand as she reads it for the umpteenth time. Her heart grows heavier with every read, her heart that has no business weighing her down. 

An undead creature, an undead monster of the night. 

Nothing about that statement is wrong. The image Rhysand drew in his letter is one that matches her memory. Yet, it is also completely different from the image of Rhys in her head.

That Rhys is teasing quips and arrogant smirks. That Rhys is encouraging words and a confidante. That Rhys is soft smiles against the backdrop of the Eiffel Tower. 

She can't quite reconcile the two but she knows without a doubt that she isn't changing agents, not yet. She gives the River Seine a last glance, appreciating the glitters of setting sun, and stands up. Her body twists towards the main street when she collides head first in a hard chest, gasping.

Obsidian hair and pitiless dark eyes. 

"Congratulations on the exhibition, peasant." 

Sharp pain explodes in her abdomen. Feyre opens her mouth to scream but it is covered by a cloth. The cruel glint in Dagdan's eyes stands out in an otherwise nonchalant face. White hot agony spreads along her body as he twists the blade. Metallic tang fills her mouth.

No, she's actually going to die here. 

The exhibition. She's going to die before she succeeds. Her sisters. She is going to be abandoned in a foreign land without ever getting to see them again.

Rhys. She is going to die before she ever figures out how things could be resolved. A scream of pure terror and a primal growl tear her away from her thoughts. Air floods her nostrils. 

Inky blue-black hair, bright violet eyes. 

Rhys's face is dark with rage, his lips folded into a thin line. Blood splatters his cheeks and immaculate velvet jacket. Next to him, Dagdan sobs, clutching on to his severed arm. Brannagh kneels over her brother, her neck tilted up at the male, her face locked in fear. 

He turns a fearsome glare on them, his deep baritone blends with a beast-like growl, "Jump into the river and remember, we were never here." 

There might have been a splash but darkness edges her vision and her world is muffled, nothing but a rain of salt and citrus. It feels like she's falling deep into the vast ocean.

"Feyre," a devastated voice reaches out for her, shining a beacon of light, "I can't save you. Not without condemning you."

Warm liquid gurgles her mouth as she forces out the words, "I'm not ready to die."

She continues, sending the gentlest look she can muster into conflicted anguished shades of violet, "Do it."

===

She watches as the nostalgic smile wraps around the man like a fitted glove. Then the moment vanishes. Giving the dark frame and vibrant colours one last look, he straightens his jacket, flicking off a lint and leaves. 

She emerges from her corner, her mouth widens into a predatory smile. It is time to move. She smoothly navigates her way through the quiet crowd, memorising every guard location, every exit and every camera. 

Not that it matters much, so long as she does it right. 

She carefully looks around her surroundings before fixing her attention on the painting. She remembers the shaky hands and skittish strokes. Her first time blending colours in that manner, the first of many to come. Well, they do say you never forget your first. 

With a broad, catlike grin, Feyre grips tightly onto the painting and walks out of the doors and the museum goers' minds. Later, as the painting hangs proudly in their doorway, Feyre raises a crimson glass to Rhys, the galaxy eyes that she can never tire of sparkle at her. The glasses clink together lightly. 

'Happy 120th anniversary, my love." 

[reanbowful]

Dirgahayu HUT RI 78!!

Happy Independence Day to my country! Celebrating my country and my culture🔛🔝 Wow I barely finished this. It’s my first time ever colouring anything digital, even then I just started learning how to draw like a few weeks ago (I feel like it’s not.. too bad for a beginner?). My dumbass couldn’t figure out what canvas size to use that’s why Damian and Neira’s clothes and stuff look blurry af (rip). BUTT I did manage to salvage the girls (Rae and Neir my pretty babies)! Alright I guess that is all hehe.

(also I used @inverted-typo ‘s usual layout for their doodles I hope you don’t mind🫰)

ALSOO I really want to highlight Padang culture’s head covering, deta and tingkuluak tanduak. As you can see, they both kind of resembles horns right? That’s because ‘tanduak’ means horns! Padang is also called ‘Minangkabau’ and ‘kabau’ means buffalo. That’s why if you go to Padang, the houses and restaurants will all have that curved horn-like roofs! For women, tingkuluak are often massive (bigger than what I drew) these are supposed to represent women carrying the weight of their household on their head. (I just want to share this because it’s very cool and interesting to me!)

I intended to draw Sundanese culture as well, but then I remember siger sunda🥲 (I’m sorry my Sundanese friends ur crown is too difficult to draw)

[deadboyfriendd]

Wild Horse

This is for @dr-aculaaa!! If you are not Drac, keep it moving. (Or you can stay and read this and also read Gutterballs. That would be preferable.)

Read Gutterballs here!

You made a mental note to check the feeder on the front porch later, lest Cecil and Maria lie around your bottlebrushes in wait. It felt silly to name them, you couldn’t even be sure it was the same birds coming around. But, in your heart, you knew it was only right. After all, they were guests here and the weather had just begun to turn. And who were you to deny a guest a drink?

Your fingers were tacky with watercolor pigment and the stretchy latex cling of foam glue. The green of your cutting mat had faded into a teal with use, and cold-pressed watercolor paper fragments stuck to the wide planes of white buffalo sprinkled across your fingers. You should take them off when you do things like this, really, you should. But you thought they looked so pretty when the pigment-tinted water splattered on them and dried. 

You looked yourself in the eyes, a mirror reflection encased in talavera tile. You felt the same. The curls arranged in a fast-choreographed pile on your head looked a little more ashen every day. Gray. You forced yourself to regurgitate the word and swallow it again. You made a promise to yourself at twenty that you would not be your mother. That you would embrace it with open arms and welcome it into your home. You just didn’t expect it to arrive so soon. 

Pulling yourself away from that mirror, pulling your attention back to the table in front of you. Two thousand one hundred and sixteen running legs, fastened to five hundred and twenty-nine bodies, using one thousand and fifty-eight silver pins. They ran in a stampede of color and pattern and texture. Each one meticulously painted and assembled as its own beautiful being. Each one aptly named. 

“I don't know. Maybe. And I don’t know where she’s got that salvaged hunk of tin parked now, but I hope she’s still painting.” 

“What did she paint?”

“Everything. Nothing. Me. Herself. Her abundance of rescued desert mutts. Stars. Clowns. Butterflies and Cactuses.”

You laughed solemnly, reaching a finger upwards to feel the raised flesh of hummingbird feather lines before you reached down to pause Gutterballs. 

That salvaged hunk of tin sat, still loved and maintained at the end of the property, under her covered carport home. Once a year, during your off-season, she housed one lucky art student in residency for one week as a retreat. Retired, much like you. But did either of you ever truly work? 

It was a beautiful life you lived, and you belong deeply to yourself. Bittersweet like the bite of a pimento. You wrinkled your nose thinking about it. 

On the back side of the canvas, you inked in delicate writing, “Wild Horses Couldn’t Drag Me Away, 2024” Along with the swirling, sharp aperture of your signature. Though, the piece felt incomplete, merely a mass of horses with no direction. 

You trimmed one last body, a swirling, wild mane and a pointed, sure head bowed in forward-facing determination. You pressed the last brass button through the legs and flank of the last horse, wanting to apologize to it for the first prick of creation, yet relished in his brilliant red hue. You placed him further than the others, pulling him forward and out of the stampede. As if he was running harder, faster, than the others.

You think you’d name him Eddie.

[scary-lasagna]

Idk if you accept these types of request but honestly write whatever you want! (That's the request sorry if that's confusing)

Fem!reader, it's important to the story I promise

tw: hidden dark metaphors, fem reader, reader is a little coo-coo but in a bad way

The Dog House

You've noticed your significant other has been in his sassy era for a while now. Just small things, like putting in less effort and getting pissy whenever you mentioned you wanted a little something more than what he was serving.

You had to beg for flowers, and still didn't receive them. And yet, you always caught yourself picking something up for him on your way home from work, or remembering to leave out certain ingredients because he didn't like them.

And yet, deep down, you knew you were doing too much, no matter how appreciative he was, you were never met with the same energy.

And, damn, it's really starting to get to you.

Out of the pick of the litter, you chose Helen. He was sweet in the first months, before revealing who he was outside of the honeymoon phase of adoration and worship and constantly gifting you his paintings.

He came home from his day job, ate dinner, and then retreated to his studio for the next three hours, leaving you alone to watch a movie you promised to watch together, or pretend to have fun with your friends you barely knew with one headphone out in the hope of being called to the studio.

It was all in vain. You went to bed alone most nights, listening to him happily hum on the other side of the bedroom wall. How could he be so happy without you, when you lay crying beside an empty spot on the bed.

One can only stand for so much neglect before biting to get attention. He never noticed the energy match. Didn't care enough. And on a quiet night at dinner, you stared at his freckled face, hair messy with dried paint still clinging his tips together.

You looked past the face, past the nice, oblivious demeanor, and realized that he was truly just a stranger living in your home. He didn't even know it was your birthday tomorrow.

You looked down at your plate in gloom, and shoved it away as you stood, retreating to your own room.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." And how ignorant could someone be to think you were telling the truth. Knowing Helen, he would shrug to himself, and then continue eating and click on another unboxing video on his phone.

You paced back and forth that night, wondering if you could even salvage the situation; if it was even worth salvaging. After wiping tears, you entered his locked studio, knowing he didn't bother to jiggle the door after closing it since the lock had been broken for so long.

No wonder he'd been acting so distant.

Grotestquely accurate sculptures stood around his studio, down to freckles, to the scars, and cellulite on her thighs. The large silver canvas that hung on the worn-down dresser he used as a paint palette was the ugliest of all. Those images haunted you in the following weeks, and you forgot to sleep at night.

You had to kill her, or else he'd never stop.

[earlofbats]

Eight Hours of Vigorous Praxis

The curdling hiss of the water pot sputters, the evening light creeps through the grates of the cage built atop the tenement building. Two young student communists read silently amongst themselves, a comfortable width apart, on a couch refuged from the side of some degrading road or back alley.

The scent of cheap coffee grounds, also likely salvaged from the garbage bin of some upscale Bougie cafe alongside the collection of dust-ridden rugs, almost covers up the smell of drying petrol oil, bright red as it drips off of white canvas onto gray concrete.

“Uli-” Steban looks up from the book he wasn't reading.

“Yes, Steban?” Ulixies acknowledges, flipping a page over, perched atop the highest vantage point the couch's shambled body has to offer.

“You remember when the gendarme slapped me?” Steban taps a nervous finger against the cover of his book.

Tap Tap Tap

Against the cheap waxy paperback.

“Yes.” Uli scans the words down the page, he's read this book perhaps a dozen times before.

“I'm concerned about how much I enjoyed it.” Steban closes the book over his finger, holding its place over the sentence he hadn't been reading.

“What do you mean?” Ulixies perks up from his reading, the words are mostly known, the essence absorbed, only the nuances left and the particular turns of phrase.

“I mean that the scenario was stimulating.” Steban elaborates.

“Stimulating?” Uli raises an inquisitive brow, glancing shortly between the text and his compatriot, unsure as to where the most appropriate place to place his gaze would be.

“Yes.”

“…In what sense?” Ulixies makes sure to tread carefully, lowering the book slightly to show he is present.

“You know what sense, Uli. Don’t be thick.” Steban rolls his eyes, bending the cover of the book over his finger, curling the paper around it.

Uli raises his free hand up in a placating manner “Okay, I was just making sure.” lets his book rest against his knee “Well, what element of it was concerning? You said you enjoyed it. Was it the physical stimulation? In the way that the pain may have activated your fight or flight responses? We’re academics. It’s only natural that we would be susceptible to the effects of endorphins.” Ulixies explains.

Steban nods sagely in agreement “Too many comrades have been addicted to substances. That hadn’t occurred to me, but does add to my concerns that my need for academic stimulation is an extension of a physiological need for addictive substances.”

They both turn to the coffee pot. Its feeble body is dented, paint chipped off and tarnished by use.

Steban shakes his head “But no, it wasn’t just that…” trails off.

Ulixies closes his book “You’re being cagey, then. I think you know what it is that’s concerning.”

Steban pinches his chin in thought, presses the knuckle of his pointer against his lips “The stimulation of pain and the rush of endorphins was definitely part of it, but I fear mostly that the key part of my–ehm–interest was the dynamics at play.”

Uli's eyes stare in direct line with the top of Stebans head “ I see.”

Steban looks up “Exactly.”

Uli doesn’t break the eye contact. “ I have a confession to make, Steban.”

“Go ahead, comrade.” Steban urges.

“I also found the situation stimulating.”

“…”

“…”

“Physically?” Steban asks.

“… “

“…”

“Okay.” Steban turns his head back towards its previously front facing position.

Uli, however, does not turn his gaze away “The question is: Do we address the fascist elephant in the room or not?”

Steban nods “We should address the fascist elephant.”

“Alright. So.”

“So-” Steban takes a long sigh “Clearly, fascism predicates itself on being an ideology founded in violence and force; this is often done through fetishizing strength and authority.”

“The gendarme, of course, being an unfortunate extension of the fascist ultraliberal and moralist state. “ Uli continues.

“Yes.” Steban exclaims, punctuating a finger in the air.

“The uniform was hot.” Uli remarks.

“It was.” Steban concurs, thoughts drifting off for a moment as he reconstructs the outfit in his mind.

Once again Steban shakes his head, forcing himself to reorient in the discussion “But this is by design. The regalia of the RCM is fetishistic costuming meant to impose a sense of authority and violence.”

“This simply means we’ve succumbed to the propaganda.” Uli reasons, “No one is immune to propaganda.”

Steban nods once again in agreement “So now that we’ve established that our excitement is simply the intended effect of the state, we can overcome it by acknowledging and recognizing it, thus robbing it of its power.”

“Excellent. Good work, comrade.” Uli gives a curt smile, opening his book back up.

“Awesome.” Steban follows suit, tracing over the words with his finger to follow back to where he was.

A moment of disquieted silence maneuvers through the space.

“ …Actually Uli?” restlessly Steban folds the book over again.

Uli does not remove his attention from his book “Yes?”

“You said you were also excited by the scenario. Does that mean you were empathizing with my position?”

“What do you mean?” Uli thumbs over to the next page.

“Were you imagining yourself being subjected to the fetishistic power of the fascism?” Steban worries his bottom lip.

Uli gives a moment of pause “…Why do you ask?” Hesitant to answer.

Steban takes a moment to think, crossing one leg over the other “Well, if you were similarly affected by me being subjected, wouldn't that be direct evidence of plasm exchange?” Steban uncrosses and recrosses his legs “Normally, when one sees another being assaulted, the reaction would be of fear and panic, which could be an expression of plasm or could be survival instinct; but in the situation in which I, the subject, was reacting atypically, you having a similar, mirrored result would be definitive evidence of plasm and psychic connection!”

“That would definitely be a strong argument.” Uli nods in agreement, eyes still locked onto the page.

Another pause.

“So, were you?”

Ulixies gives a sigh and closes his book once again “I have another confession, comrade.” He stares out beyond the grates, at the place where the ocean must meet the horizon.

Steban swallows, nervous at the sudden intensity of his companion. “Go ahead.”

“I was not imagining myself in your position. Shamefully, I was imagining myself in Gendarme’s position.” Uli continues to look out where the sea air finds its way through the warm colors of the sky.

Steban looks down to his hands, “Hm, that is a dilemma.” There's a small scar across his left hand that he doesn't remember being there.

“I know I’ve always had a penchant for violence,” Uli explains, “but it’s always been in the context of liberation or academic understanding of the enemy's tactics.”

Steban turns to look toward Uli, arm reaching out over the back of the couch. “I know this,Uli. I do.” his hand rests just next to where Uli sits “… Perhaps we’ve been looking at this from the wrong perspective.”

Uli looks down at the hand, he remembers the scar, remembers that Steban got it trying to shave while a little too intoxicated.

“Perhaps engaging in these kinds of theatrics is a matter of subversion; a kind of parody of the fascist propaganda, a forceful reclaiming of iconography for the sake of pleasure. Empowerment of the proletariat through choice. “ Steban argues.

Uli gives a quirked brow “Steban,” a small incredulous smile slipping over his face “what the fuck are you talking about?”.

“We invited the gendarme to slap me; that was a decision we made together.” He gestures between the two of them “The state never gives the people a choice when they enact violence against us, but in this scenario, we had full control over what was going to take place. It wasn’t a genuine partaking in violence. I wasn’t in real danger, and the expression was intended for show, not for subjugation. We, in this situation, subverted the power by dictating how it was going to be wielded.”

Uli mulls it over for a moment before responding “I think I understand your position, but is roleplaying fascism any different materially to being a fascist?”

“Hmm,” Steban pulls his hand back to brush the underside of his chin in thought.

“ If I were to put myself into the position of the gendarme and slapped you around, would I not be partaking in enforcing the virtues of the fascist dichotomy between oppressor and oppressed?” Uli questions.

“I guess it would be like If a woman asked me to hit her. Hitting her would still be wrong, because it's wrong to hit women.” Steban reasons.

Uli shakes his head “But you’re not a woman. Also, I feel like not hitting her would be more sexist than iIndulging her because it would perpetuate the idea that men and women aren't equal.”

“Okay, that was a bad analogy.“ Steban admits.

Uli lets out a small sigh “But I guess, in that same line of logic, would it be more oppressive to deny your request for me to slap you around, in the same way that not hitting a woman ,on the virtue of her being a woman, would undermine her autonomy?”

Steban gives a sigh in return, “But my point is that, even in any given situation when a woman might request to be slapped, wouldn't doing so perpetuate the idea that hitting women is okay, even if it's theatrics?”

Ulixies adjusts his glasses “Mhh.” he takes another moment, ruminating over his thoughts, “This was the same argument made in your oppositional essay regarding tiptop; that the sport was an exercise in glorifying violence and over consumption and that, regardless of the external reason, those who enjoyed the sport were ultimately partaking in the fetishization of those elements.”

Stebans eyes widen in realization “Yes, and the gendarme did a fairly good deconstruction of that argument, didn't he?”

“That the circumstances of capital requires funding into all pastimes and thusly twisting the subject to its will; if there were no branding, tiptop would not be able to exist.” Uli runs a hand over his beard, “This isn't the fault of tiptop but of the way capital subsumes all things into itself and corrupts it.” gestures the hand outward in front of him, “That, while the destruction and violence of the vehicles and injury to drivers is a real present threat, the goal of the sport isn’t in this destruction, but in the execution of sportsmanship towards a collective spirit, as well as creating and innovating under the name of bettering the engineering and strategies involved. Most people who are actually fans of the sport are radically displeased when the vehicles crash, only the sensationalization of the coverage of these events paints them as exciting.”

Steban deflates “He even sourced the way that two competitors -despite the sport’s desire to have them be in opposition with one another in the way that Capital would like us to be in opposition with one another- through the sport, fell in love.”

“Jacob Irw and Alfie Deletraz. High Speed Love, yes.” Uli Interjects, “After it was mentioned, I went ahead and read it. They were brought together through the sport and the competition but ultimately were separated through the ruthlessness of capitalist greed and demagoguery.”

“So,” Steban raises his finger inquisitively into the air “If we are to assume that you slapping me was a neutral behavior due to my personal enjoyment of the action -and is only wrong in the context that capitalism and fascism's monopoly on violence has made any act of harm outside of their direct control taboo-, you and I partaking in the power dynamic for our own pleasure would actually be a subversion of that power.”

“Correct.” Uli concurs.

“I see.” Steban rubs a thumb across his jawline.

“ …”

“… “

“… Does that mean you should slap me?”

“… “ Uli gives it a moment of thought “I suppose… but I think my intention matters.”

“Your intention?”

“Yes.” Uli continues “Your intention in wanting me to slap you is about subverting the dynamics of oppression by dictating the circumstances in which that oppression takes place. That control gives you comfort and that pain, through your physiological responses, gives you pleasure, correct? “

“Yes, I suppose that's it. Like choosing to get on a roller coaster.” Steban adds.

“No, Steban.” Uli chides, “Roller coasters are bourgeois. We’ve already established this.”

“Right, sorry. Continue.” Steban apologizes, gesturing for Uli to proceed.

“What about my motivations?” Uli proposes, “Me partaking in your oppression isn’t a neutral act for me because I know something about that dynamic is giving me pleasure.”

Steban taps his book against his knee “I mean, would you giving me pleasure not in itself be pleasurable? In the same way seeing fellow comrades succeed produces plasm?”

Uli shakes his head “ If that were the extent of it. But there's something particularly appealing to being A: In a position of authority and B: Enacting violence on you.”

“Hmm.” Steban steeples his fingers in thought.

“Especially the violence part.” Uli reiterates voice slipping down an octave.

Steban swallows “You want to hurt me?”

Uli turns to look back down at Steban, “I would want whatever I did to you to hurt, yes.”

“Past my desire to be hurt?” Steban darts his eyes over nervously to where Uli’s feet rest against the couch cushion.

“Possibly…Hypotheticals aren’t as concrete as realities. Imagining doing something and actually executing on that image are very different things.”

Steban nods in understanding “Subject vs Object.”

Uli gives a small smile.

The two share a quick glance at one another, “‘This is not a pipe.’” they state in unison.

Steban gives another moment of consideration “Hmm… I mean, what if we just tried... doing it?” he offers.

Uli shakes his head “No, that would be dangerous. Especially if we don’t know the source of the desire. Perhaps this is a manifestation of years of anger towards the oppressive nature of capital taking form as a strong desire to enact violence and abuse indiscriminately.”

Steban hums contemplatively “The continuation of the cycle of abuse.”

“Capitalism does corrupt and put people in opposition with one another. Perhaps this is another prong of the propaganda I’ve been subjected to unwittingly.” Uli readjusts his glasses.

“It is true.” Steban stretches his legs out, nudging his chin to gesture at the coffee cup stationed directly to Uli’s left “No one is immune to propaganda.”

Uli obliges, haphazardly tossing the book to the side. He leans his body over to grab the mug, gently taking hold of the pot and pouring the coffee a little more than half way.

He turns his head to look up at Uli, an odd affection in his voice. “But do you think you want to abuse me?”

“I’ve already said; I want whatever I do to you to hurt.” He hands Steban the cup of coffee, the steam fogging up the lenses of his spectacles as he passes it over.

Steban dips his head in thanks, “I don’t think wanting to hurt me is the same thing as wanting to abuse me.”

“In what way?”

“In the same way that the subject isn’t always the object and that causation isn’t correlation. Think about it in this way; do you want the outcome of the violence to be that of my subjugation, to break my communist spirit?” Steban blows a few soft puffs of air over the top of the coffee, the steam floating off and away in streams of whispering vapor.

“…” Uli pauses, swallows.

Steban tips the cup up to his lips, eyes looking up to check on Uli.

Uli looks upwards and away “No, I want that look in your eyes…”

Steban sputters “Ehk,” Hot coffee spills from his lips and down his chin “Sorry, uhmm… What ‘look’?”

Uli flinches, moving to find some way of helping “Ah. Sorry, comrade. I didn’t mean to-”

Steban waves him off “No no. Its fine, just unexpected. ‘Look’?” he asks.

Uli waffles, shifting in his seat “Yes, ah- not to insult you, but you have a tendency to have a far off look. I actually don’t mind it. It reminds me of the portrait of Mazov actually. It gives the impression you are in deep philosophical thought.”

Steban places his book to his side, balancing the cup in one hand. He pulls a handkerchief from his inner pocket. “I usually am, comrade. That’s probably why I look like that.” He explains, dabbing the coffee off from his neck and chin.

“Right, and I appreciate this about you, but… “ Uli drifts off, seemingly transfixed on some far away thought.

“But?” Steban urges.

“But'' Uli continues “when you were slapped by the gendarme, it seemed like you didn’t have a single thought in your head… and then, uhmm, that you, uhh…” Uli trails off once again

Steban gesticulates for Uli to continue … “Yes?”

Bashful, Uli looks back to his friend, “Then you looked like you wanted it to happen again.”

Steban lets out a breathy self deprecating laugh. “I have to admit that, at the time, I most definitely did, which was concerning. “

“I think I want you to want me to hurt you.” Uli hypothesizes.

“Interesting.” Steban squeaks.

“Hmm.” Uli hums absentmindedly, digesting this newfound observation.

“Perhaps my prior theory isn’t entirely wrong then.” Steban raises his coffee to his lips, hiding his face. “That this is an extension of our camaraderie, that you’re understanding of me wanting to feel pain because pain gives me pleasure is then extended into you wanting to be the one who provides me this pleasure by inflicting pain.”

“Hm… That's possible. I’m still worried that some part of me wants to do this for the thrill of inflicting pain; for the power it would give me.” Uli taps his finger against his temple, along the thin line of wire that slips behind his ear.

“Why would you think that?” Steban lowers his cup.

“Because I don’t just want to slap you.” Uli admits.

“Okay.” Steban gives one long extended nod “Elaborate on that for me here.”

“Since the incident, I’ve gone beyond thinking about things that I know you would find enjoyable and have created fantasies of things I know I would find enjoyable to subject you to.” Uli elaborates.

“Hng, o-ohkay.” Steban stammers, “Wh-what kinds of things?” Steban asks, deciding to forgo holding onto his cup during such a precarious conversation, shakily moving to abandon it off to the shitty, industrially produced end table to the side of the couch.

“The most appealing one is choking you.” Uli watches Steban as he goes about gingerly moving the cup.

“Huhng Ohkay-” Flustered Steban lurches forward as he places the cup down, sloshing a bit of its contents over his nervously trembling fingers and onto the small pile of snuffed out cigarette stubs that litter the end tables surface “What about that sounds appealing?”

Uli takes a heavy disappointed sigh “Unfortunately, it’s hard not to interpret this as a subliminal desire for control. Restricting your access to air? The very essence of life? I fear there’s nothing more capitalist or fascist than that…”

“B-breath,” Steban stutters “-in a symbolic sense, has uhm, long been associated with love…D-Dolores Dei and her lungs as well as the stations of breath. Perhaps this is just an evolution of our camaraderie that we-” Steban swallows, “-through our ideological proximity- have likened ourselves to Mazov and Nilsen, a- a desire to receive and control my very breath…” and runs a nervous hand through his hair.

“But that's the crux of the issue. There, control is a hierarchical structure. Mazov and Nilsen were equals. They allowed each other to breathe freely.” Uli frets a tight, pursed frown curling at the sides of his mouth.

“But perhaps you were simply intuiting my desires subconsciously?” Steban offers.

“What do you mean?” Uli asks tentatively.

“I also want you to choke me.”

“God.” Uli gasps, gut-punched and breathless.

“M-maybe if you tell me more of the fantasies you’ve had since then,” Steban words slur around their edges, tongue heavy in his mouth. “perhaps we can compare notes and see if there's a correlation.”

“Thats-” Uli hesitates, unsure.

“It could be evidence for the psychic connection Mazov and Nilsen had; maybe this is the first step.” Steban assures, “Sexuality is a base primality. Maybe you’re just connecting onto a leyline of plasm that has bound us together?”

“Okay, that's a fairly sound theory.” Uli admits. “I want to leave marks on you-”

“Mhmm” Steban squeeks affirmatively.

“…I want to leave marks so that, when you look at them or if people saw them, they'd think that you… belonged to me.” Uli mulls over each word carefully in a strange mix of sultry and academic.

“That is pretty problematic.” Steban attests, “It insinuates ownership. That's definitely antithetical to non-hierarchy.”

“I told you.” Uli sighs forlorn “I've definitely been affected by capitalist propaganda. It's wedged itself into my brain.” Uli places an exasperated hand to his mouth and chin.

“Confession:” Steban states with clear and concise intent. “I want you to put a collar around my neck and treat me like a dog.”

Ulixies runs his hand up his face, pinching at his brow, nudging his glasses up to his forehead as he groans.

Uli shakes his head in exasperation “Like a dog, Steban? Really?”

Steban turns his head down in shame “Uli, I think we might be bad communists…”

“Shit.” Uli bewails, slumping down from his perch and firmly next to Steban with an audible Humph from the couch as he lands.

They look to one another with utter unabashed defeat “…”

“No.” Steban exclaims. “No, we can fix this, right? We’ve already established that by the virtue of me being the subject of oppression, by dictating a version of self-inflicted oppression for the sake of my gratification, that I can't be perpetuating my own oppression.” Steban, frantic, turns his body to face Uli, waving his hands about in the air. “I'm simply subverting it and in this case, my theory still stands that as our camaraderie is so deeply and ideologically intertwined, you're just reflexively drawn into meeting my needs. It's a perfect synergistic loop.”

“Right, but what if it's actually you intuiting my desires?” Uli counters.

“Hmm… Desires that you feel have been corrupted by the system's propagandizing.” Steban states, contemplative.

“Exactly!” Uli stresses “What if we're both being complicit in engaging with fascistic fetishism because we're being conditioned to do so.”

“Then I’d say we're fucked, Uli.” Steban mutters “Because, I'll be honest,” shakes his head in utter loss. “I've never been this horny in my life.”

“Me neither Steban,” Uli concurs “me neither.”

There's another moment of pause as they stare out numbly into the distance, unfocused and haunted.

“Uli,” Steban absently breaks the silence “it just occurred to me…We've been discussing this in the context of specifically you enacting violence against me as a potential continuation and propagation of state violence, but I feel like we're skimming over the other, perhaps slightly smaller or larger, non-fascist elephant in the room.”

“Which elephant is that?” Uli responds, inattentive, unpresent.

“Well,” Steban wavers “I guess we got so caught up in the praxis, I forgot to ask if this is at all explicitly sexual in nature or not.”

“Oh. Huh,” Uli marvels “I guess we didn't specify explicitly whether or not fetish was being used academically or colloquially.”

“We were definitely using it interchangeably.” Steban assures.

“Right.”

“So?” Steban urges.

“Huh?” Uli turns to Steban

“Did you want to fuck me or not?”

“OH!” Uli snaps back to himself “Uh, yes, having sex and achieving sexual gratification is a big element here. You're right.”

“I mean, couldn't we simply…write it off as…” Steban trails off.

“Steban!” Uli scolds.

“No, no, you're right.” Steban acquiesces. “Sex and sexuality are also valuable venues of political thought and shouldn't be brushed aside. Otherwise, we might risk undermining the serious nature of sexual violence and sexuality itself as a tool of the state.”

“Right, exactly.” Uli gives a curt nod.

“So I guess another avenue of questioning is whether or not you only want to cause me pleasure through physical harm, assuming we've definitely established that ultimately you want your pain to be pleasurable for me.”

“I’m not entirely convinced in either scenario yet, but we can circle back to that later.” Uli muses, gesturing for Steban to continue.

“Excellent!” Steban chirps “In that case, I'll ask you this: do you want to kiss me, Uli?”

“Hmm, yes I think so.” Uli ruminates, “For the sake of closeness, I would. But that isn't necessarily romantic. The platonic fraternal kiss of the communards is something I've wanted to explore for a while now, even prior to this.”

“Okay, and about you fucking me?” Steban asks.

“What about it? If you mean whether or not I’d like you to take the -” Uli trails off again, struggling to find the right words.

“Uli?” Steban probes.

“Sorry,” Uli cringes. “I can't think of a better term for this- the feminine role?”

“Oh, yeah.” Steban winces, “Hmm, that doesn't sound very good.”

“You're not a woman,” Uli laments “and using that as a comparison would once again relegate women to a specific role.”

“The patriarchy really is a slippery bastard. “ Steban tuts.

“That it is.” Uli shakes his head in disappointment.

“Though if you think about it,” Steban wags his finger in thought ,” similar to capitalism, patriarchy also corrupts. Being the one to be on the receiving end of ‘insertion’ is only seen as demeaning because of the way it's been associated with women through the sexist framework of the patriarchy. Just in the same way that being a proletariat is seen as lesser than being a member of the ruling class.”

“Good observation Steban!” Uli nods in agreement, before shaking his head in disappointment, once again. “But once again I fear it's that exact subjugation of the dynamic that I find appealing.”

“In what sense?”

Uli wrings his hands together, nervous fingers running over the tight tendons and stray veins that pop through his skin “In the sense I would like to fuck you like a woman. Which includes the insinuation that I want to demean you in some way. That I would be exerting power over you.”

Steban wheezes all the air leaving his lungs fast and fleeting, his head spinning as he pats a limp hand over his pockets “I need a cigarette…” He mumbles to himself breathlessly.

“But in that situation I would also want you to feel good, very good, maybe even too good.”

Steban pats over his pockets more fervently “Ff-fuck, where the hell did I put those cigarettes.”

Somewhere in the distance, the Gendarme and his partner lie in bed with one another. One of them picks a white lounge jacket from off the duvet only to have a pack fall out of the coat's inner pocket. Pleasantly surprised by the find, the two of them decide to share the last of the cigarettes amongst themselves, their legs tangled over one another beneath the sheets.

Uli, entirely caught in the maze of his own mind, continues, unaware or uncaring of Steban’s current predicament. “I think in that situation you losing control of yourself would be the goal. Mostly for the reaction or satisfaction of relegating you to something more sub-human, or maybe it'd be better to say primal.”

Steban remembers that Cindy keeps a pack somewhere, briefly he returns his attention to Uli “I mean- one moment.”

Steban leans forward, rummages his hand below the couch. He feels over the underside of it for the pack Cindy stashes there and tugs at it- it gives, and Steban holds his prize up, victorious.

Steban hits the bottom end of the carton, freeing a cigarette from its confines.

He raises it to his mouth. “Light?” Steban murmurs through pursed lips.

Uli pulls a lighter from his pocket, rips the cord from its casing and holds the stick to light Stebans cigarette.

Steban takes a few soft puffs before pulling the cigarette away from his lips. “What was I saying-” he waves the smoke off and away from his face “Oh! Right I mean I brought up the collar thing before, so I feel like we're in line with that.”

Uli tucks the stick back into its home “Yes, but that was extremely problematic. ‘Communist dog?’ It's a little on the nose, isn't it?”

Steban taps a bit of ash off to the side. “Perhaps that's what makes it enjoyable? I bet you Gendarme and his buddies are all into being ‘pigs’ in their free time, heh.” He pulls the cigarette back to his mouth and draws in.

Uli watches the ember glow red “…Which gendarme do you think…” He shakes his head. “No, sorry, that's wildly off topic.”

Steban lets the smoke pool out from his nose “what was it that the-”

Uli jumps to interrupt, the thought already at the tip of his tongue: “‘Thrashed like a schoolboy.”

“Yeah,” Steban agrees absentmindedly, pulling the cigarette back away from his mouth.

“Yeah” Uli keeps his attention on Stebans lips. “Do you want me to kiss you by the way?”

Steban gives a shy little smile “…Yeah, I do. I like the dip of your cupid's bow.”

Uli touches his upper lip “…My?”

Stebans smile widens at the display “Uli…”

Uli whips his hand away from his face. “Yes?”

Steban tucks his smile back into his cheek and thumbs the filter of his cigarette nervously. “I realized there's yet another elephant.”

Uli nods for Steban to continue, giving a little grunt of affirmation.

“Does this make us homo-sexual?”

Steban puts the cigarette to his lips and intakes air once again.

Uli takes a measured pause to think. “Not necessarily.”

“We've both admitted to wanting to engage sexually with one another, and we both- you do identify as a man right?” Smoke trails out from his mouth as he speaks.

“Yes.”

Steban nods “Right. Me too.”

Uli holds his hands over themselves “I mean it's often rumored Nilsen and Mazov were-”

“I always thought that was slander, perpetuated by the moralists to condemn communism by associating it with a disliked minority outgroup.” Steban rubs the worry lines of his furrowed brow, cigarette hanging loose from his fingers

“Which ironically probably just drew in support for communism from that outgroup.” Uli muses.

“I think any minority outgroup is more likely to engage with communism because as an outsider they're able to get a better understanding of the mechanics and flaws of the current system via the fact they're typically on the outskirts and the most victimized by said system.”

Uli nods. “When you're told your existence is wrong by the system, but you know better, it forces you to question what else the system is wrong about. Or you fall victim to internalizing those harms, which I would consider a tragic spiritual death.”

“Exactly.” Steban gestures for Uli to continue

“There's nothing wrong with being homo-sexual.” Uli states.

Steban purses his lips “so are you?”

Uli turns his chin up in contemplation “I still don't know.”

Steban gives an impatient little sigh. “Have you ever been attracted to a woman?”

Uli shakes his head. “No, but equally I've never been attracted to a man, other than you.”

Steban twitches upright in genuine surprise “You find me attractive?”

“Steban,” Uli rolls his eyes and gives a petulant huff. “You are by all standards extremely handsome, you know this, we’ve had actual hours of discussion about the ethics of utilizing your looks as a means to facilitate the spread of awareness for the cause.”

Steban rolls his eyes in return, “right, but that doesn't necessarily mean you find me attractive, just that general society does, a society that mind you is built around creating an extremely narrow definition of beauty. I wouldn't assume that you of all people were affected so easily by the way society dictates beauty standards.”

Ulis' brows cinch together, a small frustrated frown curling over his lips. “I think we're still narrowing down on the fact that I am clearly the worst communist here, but yes, I find you extremely attractive.”

There's a moment of pause. Ulis expression softens, becomes reserved and private as he speaks “However, I don't think it's just a physical thing, I find you most attractive when you are saying something enlightening. I find your ‘philosophical essence’ beautiful.”

Steban gapes, cigarette ash falling as he lets it burn to the filter. “ I think there's another, other elephant.”

Uli turns tentatively to look towards Steban. “Go on,” he urges.

“I think I might be in love with you.”

Uli nods “I see. I feel like what I just expressed is probably something you could fairly argue as being a result of me also being in love with you, that would be the most sound explanation.”

“So.. do you think all of this subjugation and fetishization would be fine under the pretense that we were in love with one another?” Steban asks, gnawing at his lower lip.

“That's an excellent question, Comrade. I guess that comes down to how we quantify love as an antithesis of capital.”

“Capital is about the prioritization of ownership and hierarchy, something we're afraid of engaging with in the fear that by living under capital we are being influenced to perpetuate capital,” Steban elucidates.

“But love is definitionally about collectivism.” Uli agrees.

“When reciprocated.”

“When reciprocated.”

“Which it is?” Steban asks.

“Yes, it is.”

“Right, good,” Steban nods “so if we apply Gendarmes critique of tiptop-”

Uli continues the thought, “that tiptop itself isn't the issue because ultimately the sport is about collectivism and that without the influences of capital it would still stand to be a worthy pursuit.”

Steban takes the cigarette back to his lips “If it weren't for capital and the fascistic nature of hierarchy imposing meaning onto acts like choking, slapping, and being inserted upon they would be worthwhile pursuits.”

Uli watches as the cigarette gives way and burns into smoke “-in the context that we both found the acts pleasurable.”

“Yes.” Steban exhales out towards the ceiling.

“Circling back to my point earlier, regarding the idea of whether or not my desire to cause you pain is in alignment with your desire to feel pain. When I think about it in this specific wider framework I realize I only really want to cause you harm in an explicitly sexual context which would insinuate that the end goal is to cause pleasure and not just pain.” Uli explains.

Steban stares down at the fading gray wisps as they trail off into the atmosphere. “right.”

“So I believe you are correct, I concede, well argued once again.” Uli offers his hand in congratulations.

Steban looks down and awkwardly crosses over his hand to shake Uli’s, trading off his cigarette to his free one. “Wonderful.”

Uli gives a polite smile and squeezes down harder as he gives a firm jerk before pulling away.

Steban turns to pull the cigarette back to his lips, only to find that it had burned too close to the filter. With a sigh, he snuffs it out against the small saucer on the side table, its crumpled form joining its compatriots in the growing pile. “So you think we can actually fuck now?”

Uli scoffs “Oh? Don’t be ridiculous, do you think we're really ready to put this theory into practice?”

“Uli- I-”

“We haven't even worked out any logistics Steban, how were you intending to apply any of this without doing that first, you should know better.” Uli interjects.

“No, no you're right. Okay, so, you're better at logistics than me, so I think you should lead this section of discussion.” Steban raises his hands up in defeat.

Uli straightens up, adjusting the lay of his sweater vest with a firm tug. “Alright”

Steban swallows, runs a nervous hand down his chest “do you mind if I touch myself while we do this though?”

Uli looks toward Steban, eyes narrowing “…Yes. I do.”

Steban throws his head back against the couch, a lazy hand ushering Uli to continue “Fine, go on then. I know you're doing this on purpose though, so hurry it up.”

Uli presses steepled fingers over his lips, “kissing should be fine, do we want tongue involved?”

Steban looks up at the ceiling, contemplating the answer as well as the rest of his life and everything that has brought him to this point, “hmm, I don't think I have any particular preferences, we should be able to work that out as we go.”

“Fair enough, I want to slap you and choke you, we've established that's good and on the table.”

Steban swallows. “Yes”

Uli gives a curt bow of his head “I remember what the Gendarmes said and did so I should be able to replicate the slapping with little issue. Choking on the other hand, I can't be sure I'll be able to do safely, we might want to do that another time.”

“I concur.” Steban concurs.

“We should probably not fuck here in Cindys studio.” Uli gestures to the space.

“I agree comrade, that'd be kinda gross and rude, we can just do it in my apartment.” Steban points down to the general area where his apartment lies beneath them.

“The light is good in there and the neighbors are all mostly away or drunk.” Uli adds.

Steban shifts his finger out to where his neighbors would be. “This is true, we won't have to worry too much about noise level but we should still try to be considerate.”

“Maybe some kind of gag or device to muffle…” Uli offers, miming the general shape of said device.

Steban shakes his head, hair swishing against the cheap fabric of the couch, “I can just bite a pillow I think.”

“Right, another question, should we turn the Mazov statue away or cover up the poster or not?” Uli asks, squirming nervously in his seat.

Steban waves off Uli’s apprehension with a dismissive flick of his wrist. “We can see how we feel when we're actually in the space.”

Uli huffs, flicking his fingers at the air in front of him, “always one to play it by ear I guess, okay now unless there's something I don't know about your physiology, we need some kind of lubricant right?”

“I am male, yes,” Steban assures “I have lube in my apartment, another reason we should go there.”

“I feel like it’d be more responsible of us to make sure we have the proper protections in place, condoms?” Uli asks, adjusting the fit of his glasses up his nose.

“Hmm, we would need to head down to the Fritte for condoms.” Steban scratches the stubble at the base of his jaw, where his hairs meet the skin of his neck.

Uli shakes his head in solemn condemnation “I’m realizing another unfortunate reality of capitalism is that condoms aren’t freely available.”

Steban sticks a swift finger in the air, “noting that we should add that to the docket for discussion. “

“Noted,” Uli gives a curt nod and then a small grimace, “I hate to have to bring it up, but, sanitation?”

Steban gives a small chortle “I can get some towels for the bed, and I have actually experimented in the past with this kind of thing on my own time, so I generally know what to do.”

“Have you had other partners?” Uli’s expression darkens.

“No, I mean,” Steban waffles, “none that were men and not in that particular fashion. It’s also been awhile- I’ve been to the doctor and am clean if that's a concern.”

Uli nods, apprehensive “It wasn’t much of a concern and I’ve never partaken myself, so I am also healthy in that regard. By the way, I feel like using the term ‘clean’ might be problematic in that it insinuates that those who do have sexually transmitted diseases are somehow ‘dirty’ or ‘impure’, which I feel like is an extension of the way sex and sexuality is demonized by moralism and the patriarchy. “

Steban gives a small deprecative smile, gripping at the collar of his shirt “True, that's my bad, blood is not being used for the important parts right now I fear.”

“I didn’t mean to call you out on it, just a passing observation.” Uli dismisses.

Strained, Steban clenches harder onto his shirt, “Uli can I please touch myself?”

“No.” Uli rejects, swiftly moving on, “you mentioned having done this sort of thing on your own time before?”

Steban gives a rattled sigh of defeat. “Yes, I had a time where I was deconstructing the way that patriarchal masculinity robs men of exploring their ability to express themselves in certain ways- when i started growing my hair out, I also felt like I should become more comfortable with my body and heard that the male g spot was the prostate and, well-”

“Does that mean you have toys?” Uli interjects, shifting one leg over the other.

“HA! In this economy?” Steban guffaws, “Uli we hardly ever have enough money for the coffee, you know how expensive those things are?”

Uli raises a brow.

Steban deflates “No I- I felt like they were too much of a luxury at the time and your ribs had been showing under your shirt. I also couldn't have afforded a hair cut so it was honestly cheaper to just grow it out.” He trails his fingers through the ends of his locks.

Uli tracks the movement “We should thank Cindy again for always cutting our hair.”

Steban gives a look around the room. “ And letting us use her space for our talks.”

Uli turns his head to look out towards the entrance. “We should probably do as the Gendarme insinuated and be less selective with who we let into the reading group.”

Steban gives a frustrated huff. “But it is a reading group, and Cindy refuses to do the reading.”

Uli slumps “But she is a comrade. Biting my own tongue here I think Gendarme is right about the intellectual purity crippling the movement.”

“Perhaps.”

Uli shakes his head and reorients himself “but that's irrelevant to the current project.”

“What else do we need to figure out the logistics for? Location, material, intent, ethicality…” Steban counts out the list on his fingers.

“Do you have money for condoms?”

“…”

“…”

Steban stares out dumbfounded, the realization dawning slowly but surely as the facts of his material reality present themselves.

“This is honestly devastating,” Steban huffs in disbelief “I can’t believe we’re too broke to fuck Uli, this can’t be happening.”

Uli winces “We could collect tare like the Gendarme? Or we could ask Cindy?”

Steban points a stern finger to Uli “We are not asking Cindy for condom money.”

Uli gives out a rattled sigh, “maybe it's better we don't jump straight to penetrative sex right away then.”

“Yeah, maybe that was a bit overzealous of us. Also, did you insinuate earlier that you've never had sex before?”

“Hm? Oh, yes.”

“You're a virgin?”

Uli rolls his eyes “Virginity is a social construct, one that I also feel is an extension of the purity apparatus upheld by patriarchy and moralism. But in the definitional sense, no I've never had sex before.”

Steban swallows thickly, “not even, like, a blowjob?”

Uli grits his teeth in annoyance “I've never had another person with whom I've engaged in sexual activities before. Is that clear enough? I feel like you're creating some kind of idea of me in your head right now.” Uli narrows his eyes.

Steban waves off the accusation “No no, I just, it's nice to know that you trust me.” Places his hand against his heart.

“Sex isn't special, Steban, it's capitalism that gives any credence to it, don't forget virginity was originally about the selling and buying of women as material goods…” Uli crosses his arms over his chest and slumps back further into the couch, shoulders raising up to the dip of his skull.

Steban levels a placating hand next to where Uli sits “No, you're right, I just, it makes me feel special I guess. It's something I'll have to unpack within myself at a later time.”

Uli looks down at the hand and softens his posture “No I'm sorry, I fear I was just being reactionary there. Not that what I was saying was not valid critique, I just mean I was being overly defensive.”

Steban looks over the small scar across Uli’s cheek, tender, “That's okay Uli, it happens to the best of us.”

Uli raises himself back up “Thank you Comrade.”

Steban gives a small pat to the space where his hand has been resting “You’re welcome.”

Uli strokes an inquisitive run of his fingers over his chin “You mentioned blowjobs, that might be a good substitute in this situation. Also why do they call it a blow job? Aren’t you supposed to suck on it? Shouldn’t it be called a Suck job? Also, bit odd to call it a job, not that it couldn't be labor, sex work is work, an unfortunate form of work given the way capitalism forces us to commodify ourselves, but no more or less virtuous than any other kind of physical labor.”

“Blow was an old euphemism for an orgasm, not the act of blowing on something.”

“Oh, interesting.”

Steban runs his gaze over Uli’s form, “but honestly I'd be fine with sucking you off.”

“But would you sucking me off be equitable?”

“What?” Steban snaps his attention back to Uli’s face in confusion.

“Sucking someone off is a fairly one sided ordeal is it not?” Uli postures.

Steban’s brows crinkle “ I mean I could suck you off and then you could suck me off.”

Uli lingers in thought before giving his rebuttal “True but then it feels like the act is transactional.”

“I … suppose.” Steban looks at Uli, slack jawed and disbelieving, before throwing his hands up in frustration

“ I just want this to all be reciprocal if that makes sense.” Uli tuts.

“What, are we trying to make this efficient as well?” Steban scoffs, cocking his head back in indignation.

“…” Uli Stares off in deep, reverent contemplation

“Uli?” Steban warns.

Uli jerks back from his trance “N-no, no, sorry.”

“Were you actually considering efficiency just now?” Steban asks with barely contained aggravation In his voice.

“Only in a purely hypothetical sense.” Uli defends

“Dolores fucking Dei Uli.” Seban huffs in exasperation

“I’m sorry, the bean counting has clearly rotted my brain to the stem.”

“that or the lack of blood flow…” Steban grumbles, folding his arms over himself in a pout.

“Sorry, what was that Steban?” Uli asks, feigning ignorance.

“NOthing!” Steban deflects, “Nothing. Can I please touch myself?” then begs.

“I wouldn’t have expected you to be so impatient, comrade, however are we supposed to produce enough plasm at this rate?” Uli chides, poised and smug.

Steban freezes in place and turns a disbelieving head towards Ulis side profile “Plasm…. Uli, do not tell me that you have been dragging this along for-”

Steban jerks back his jacket sleeve to look at his watch.

“Eight hours Steban,” Uli interjects “That's how long the most devoted infra-materialists would engage in intercourse.”

Steban keels over, hands falling over the sides of his head in anguish.

“Uli,” Steban begs, voice cracking with desperation “Why? Why would this be relevant to our current scenario, there is no possible way in which anything we could engage with could last even remotely that long. We haven’t the time or physicality for it, and you haven’t even had sex before.”

“Right but I feel like physicality is less important than the mindset.”

“The.... mindset!?” Steban asks, at an utter loss.

“Yes, Plasm is an ideological pursuit not a physical one, similarly I theorize we could apply this to intercourse.” Uli speculates.

“Uli,” Steban runs his hands over his face in exasperation “We haven't even been able to get the matchboxes to work, the closest we’ve gotten was when the Gendarme was involved.”

Uli pauses, taps a finger to his chin “ …Hm, Do you think getting either the Gendarme or a third member involved would lead to better results?”

“N-! ….” Steban jumps before halting “Do you mean in the case of lasting longer or producing more plasm?”

Uli shrugs. “Hmm, both?”

“I- don’t know how I feel about having another member involved in this specific case.” Steban demures sheepishly.

“Not that I'm disagreeing here but I have to do my due diligence and ask, why not?” Uli tilts his head to the side, curious.

“I think I want this entire thing to be a one on one affair.” Steban mumbles.

“You mean you want us to be monogamous?”

Steban gives out a long sigh “yes…”

“Similarly, I feel like monogamy is another patriarchal capitalist framework meant to divide us as people. It’s another system that encourages putting ownership over another human being.”

Steban turns his head slowly to Uli, “No, Uli, our bodies aren’t resources, saying so would be commodifying and objectifying, this is a matter of autonomy.”

“Steban, the expectation of monogamy is a rejection of polyamory or the notion that affection or love is a finite resource that must be rationed accordingly.”

“Does that mean you’d like for us to be polyamorous?”

Uli gives a short huff of a laugh, “Oh, no, I very much would like to own you Steban. It’s something I have to wrestle with. A kind of internal ideological war between mind and body,” he adds, hand coming to fret over his brow.

“Oh, I can definitely sympathize with that comrade,” Steban grits, hands coming to grab fistfuls of pant fabric, white knuckled and tense at his knees.

Uli’s expression curls into a self satisfied smirk, “I didn’t know you were so *in need* comrade.. would you think it patronizing if i thought it was cute?”

“Yes. I would.”

“But wouldn’t you like to be patronized?” Uli crosses his legs and lounges back into the couch, hands politely folded over his knee.

“If it means I was going to be rewarded for being a good boy maybe?” Steban shrugs his shoulders, gripping tighter onto the fabric.

“A good boy?” Uli raises a perplexed brow.

“Yes” Steban hisses, knee beginning to quiver in impatience.

“Because of the dog thing?” Uli runs a hand over the back of his nape.

“Is that actually really such an issue for you Uli?” Steban runs his hands over his knee, flattening out the fabric, wiping his clammy palm of its sweat against his slacks.

“No, it just raises a few questions for me.” Uli releases his nape, calmly lowering his hand back to his lap.

“Questions?” Steban groans, free hand coming to run through the dew accumulating at his brow and into his greased locks.

“Yes… hmm.” Uli hums.

“What kind of questions?”

“Well, don't take this the wrong way but are you perhaps a-” Uli lowers his voice to a conspiratorial level “-furkin?”

Steban’s brows collapse into one another, forehead wrinkling into slopes and valleys of confused worry lines. “I’m sorry, I don't know what that is Uli. Is it some sort of welkin?”

“Oh!” Uli perks up. “No, It's a subculture of individuals who have a heraldic animal they identify with and will occasionally dress up as.”

“No, Uli, I am not a ‘furkin’ ” Steban quotes the word in the air, “This is completely unrelated to anything actually having to do with being a dog”

“Are you certain? You did say you wanted to wear a collar.” Uli points out.

“That's just because it would be demeaning-” Steban argues.

“And the ‘good boy’?”

“Uli, Im not a ‘furkin’ ” Steban strictly assures.

“So nothing to do with heraldic animal connections?” Uli queries, a subtle hint of disappointment simmering beneath the surface.

“Uli?” Steban questions hesitantly, picking up on the possible disappointment “are you a furkin?”

“Mm, no, I don't think so.” Uli states casually.

“What do you mean you don't think so?”

“I mean don’t be ridiculous, I've never really thought about it until now.”

“Of course not…” Steban bemoans, leg now bouncing in frustration.

“Besides, I swear if there were another elephant in this room, I fear we would be obligated to start a circus, Steban.”

“We’ve been over this, Uli, circuses are also bourgeois” Steban bites at his lips, hands clasped in a tight vice over his lap.

“Right, right, apologies comrade.” Uli gives a small pat to Stebans shoulder.

The only point of contact made all evening.

It’s too much, Steban jumps, startling to his feet, primed and vibrating in his skin.

He whips around and turns to loom over Uli, fists bunched at his sides. Unsure of what it is he is planning or going to do, pushed so far to the edge.

“Do you think it would be praxis to be a furkin?” Uli muses. Placid, he turns to look up to his compatriot.

There is an unfathomable and boundless, unfettered hunger in Stebans eyes.

“Is this truly what you’re asking me right now?” Steban simmers, voice mounting slowly in passion and volume as he speaks, “If me debasing myself? Embracing the anima, embodying the heraldic spirit of a sick and decrepit beast, getting on my hands and knees and barking for my scraps?! Would be PRAXIS?”

Steban reaches a crescendo voice shaking his frame “ Yes! YES! COMRADE, It WOULD be! If only I truly embraced being a dog?! Who knows maybe we’d even be producing enough plasm to resurrect Kraz Mazov himself, YOU ABsoLUTE COCK TEASE-” Steban lurches forward, fists coming to grasp with desperation at Uli’s lapels.

Faces intimately near one another, a breath’s width apart, the phantom heat of tepid air the only separation between the two.

It’s then there is a clattering shift of metal against concrete as the grate drags against the floor.

There, in the now open door frame, adorned in a long military coat, soaked in the scent of oil and sea with dark, striking, owl-like eyes, stands Cindy.

“Uhm, What?” she asks.

[katsukikitten]

Sometimes I stupidly think "what if I'm using up all my good scenes on fanfiction?" and by that I usually mean scenes I could have for a book or an original piece. Although I cannot see myself ever actually finishing a novel.

But this feeling of "wasting" kinda makes me think of how I treated new markers and crayons when I was a kid, I never wanted to use them. I didn't want to "ruin" them or "waste" them. Same with stickers or new tubes of paint or canvas, sketch books and sometimes even notebooks. I still do this with things, a lot of things and I hate this mentality, why not use the press on nails, or the cute pen, or canvas or the sketch book. Art cannot be ruined! Even though to me it can. It can be wasted, it can be thrown away or written poorly or executed poorly and it would have been a waste because I've never been good at salvaging mistakes. Maybe because the shame and frustration and failure clotting my lungs makes it impossible.

I've even stopped cooking since I didn't want to "waste" food or ingredients but what the fuck was I gonna do? Just look at them? Watch them rot? Well I did and gave up especially when he went to nights because why would I ever cook for my fuckin self?

I've never really allowed myself to express myself and I still do it for some dumb ass fear of "doing it wrong." It's exhausting and joyless and a waste of money.

I'm just being incoherent now