#i try not to sabotage my own life but WOW is it hard lol

[vanilladella]

actually fighting for my life tryna not cut this girl off even tho she makes me so happy n shes like one of my best friends just bc im an actual piece of shit n shes too nice to hang around w me. bc im mentally well

[nightswithkookmin]

Hello there😊, wanna ask you a question that is roaming in my head!! and raising my anxiety. These days, we are only getting the videos and the photos that Hybe/BH wants to show us. Most of these are edited but sometimes I feel that something is wrong with Jimin(don't get me wrong). Like it's always JK who is showing much affection to Jimin but JM became kinda quite in Jikook. What do you think about it? Does Jimin want a break from their relationship or it's just because he doesn't want to show us the truth? ?

It's just my thoughts and these thoughts are giving me stress!! I love them so much🥺that's why I'm tensed.

Lolololololololololol

I agree with a lot of your observations here but do you really think JK acts like a happy bunny these days in his Fantasia side swoop strutting all over the place like a 1955 gay man because he thinks his boyfriend is about to break up with him???

Jimin is a bit introverted in my opinion and if you aren't used to seeing that side of him you might think something is off with him or that he is sad or angry or this or that every now and then.

Anything could be inducing his moods- including but not limited to his relationship with JK. Personally I don't think JK is the one leaning forward in their relationship this time around. It's Jimin.

Similar to how Jungkook is not always introverted. We could be reading that as him leaning forward in their dynamic if we not careful. As I've said a couple of times in my blogs no one is a 100% anything. We are all introverted to a degree or extroverted to a degree and sometimes with Jikook that plays out in their dynamic.

When you say lately it's always JK showing much affection to Jimin- I love it but

Don't let the PJMs catch you chilee. They finna jump you. Lmho.

JK does show love and affection to JM. That's a fact. Jikook is not a one sided relationship. So thank you for at least seeing that.

If you feel there's something off with Jimin then JK taking care of him and showing much affection to him should be the appropriate response. No? There is nothing wrong with him taking the lead and catering to JM especially since Jimin often gets berated and attacked when he does the catering to in their dynamic.

Let's normalize Jikook loving eachother.

Personally I don't think JK is the one leaning forward in their relationship. In spite of the introverted phase he is in, I think Jimin is the one piloting things this season post the October era. I mean it's pretty much obvious.

Jimin has been on his Jikook agenda for a hot minute now. Why do you think antis are mad?

Not to be that person, but I think I pretty much theorized when 'October' was happening that whoever was 'at fault' was gonna come swinging hard on their Jikook agenda when that phase was over. We are in the post October phase. Do the maths.

And I know a lot of people have been mad at Jk for acting 'cold' and and aloof, 'uncomfortable' blah blah blah but I just think he is just chill and laid back. He put the ball in Jimin's court and it's up to him to decide what they do and how they interact especially with their glass closet now and I think that's been weighing on him too. I'll talk more about this in the Minimoni post. Sigh.

For Jimin, he's gone through a phase of reevaluation and reassessment since October. He bought a second house. He's talked about cutting off friends, trying to find his voice or try new styles- something deep and melancholic, listening to emotional songs, working out, trying to build muscles etc.

There's a lot happening around him too. For one his members keep churning music in a language he is barely conversant in. That can be challenging especially for someone like him who doesn't like to do things half assed.

He is taking on new challenges- don't know how well he is or was mentally prepared for it. For someone like Tae and Jk who had already dabbled in English Albums and singles I think they are pretty much happy about the direction the band is headed in and were very much prepared to take on this challenge.

I think they are all challenging themselves as a group in this era.

I'm not sure how he feels about the others constantly talking about that they are old and can't do this and can't do that- Jimim is 25. I don't think he is that old. He loves his youth and loves to celebrate it and make the most of it. Young forever.

I can imagine the toll it might take on him to constantly hear that he is old and can't do this or that by his members and netizens.

He loves the stage. Loves to dance. I mean look at how hard he went with his dance in the PTD MV. Hopefully in 2022 things can go back to normal.

Bangtan went from we are getting old to we are fossils in 0.2 seconds it gives me whiplash.

What I'm saying is, there is a lot going on in his personal and professional life as well as his social life. All of that could be contributing to his mood lately.

As to whether he wants a break from his relationship I think he is the best person to answer that.

People who don't know what they want or who subconsciously want to end their relationships often self sabotage their relationships in their waking life. Sometimes too they are just insecure and immature and don't know how to keep the things they want and end up sabotaging themselves. I do think JM went through phases like that in the past- you know which eras I'm talking about.

But I do think he is in the drivers seat now and the ball is in his court to decide whatever he wants from their relationship and how he wants to work it.

I think Kook is equally in a place where he would be ok with whatever Jimin decides- granted he would shed a few tears and write sad songs if Jimin decides to break up with him. He and Taylor Swift about to be Bffs. Lol.

Wow, my chest hurts. Sweet baby Jesus bind Jikook together with some Gorilla glue cos I can't if they break up for good😭😭😭

If Jimin wants Jk to be doing the flowers and the trips and the birthday posts and the songs, and the coded tweets and Weverse posts, I think he would gladly do it.

I don't think Jk is afraid to speak Jimin's love language. If Jimin doesn't want him, his loss.

Please I'm hurting. I don't like that😫😫😫

Jk can be a lot. He can be intense and yes I do think that used to overwhelm Jimin sometimes especially when he was constantly lowkey high key borderline outing their relationship left right left every chance he got💀

But dude is repented😒

Like I said, I think he's been pretty much laid back and chill for a while now. Nothing intense and 'problematic.' You can tell he's been going out of his way to not fuck things up for his own sanity, the group's and especially JM's sakes. Why then would Jimin want a break from him🤺

FREE JK.

This don't look like someone who wants a break anywhere to me but I guess time will tell. You just never know with Jimin.

You let this man tattoo your initials on his ring finger scaring off potential suitors only for you to turn around and dump him that's just wickedness🙁

You have this man wrapped around your finger jumping through hoops literally for you what more do you want him to do???? He better not start his shenanigans. He is getting wedded to that man whether he likes it or not. They are doing the whole church and traditional wedding thingy I swear to God🤺

Do I have to remind him he promised to go to the Moon with JK? Sir don't trigger me this early morning.

I'm finna channel my inner tuktukker on him and drag him to the alter kicking and screaming. Jungkook deserves his happily ever after too. It's 2021. They both better leave that ghetto shit behind. I knew I should have ordered that Gorilla glue. The fuck!

GOLDY

[normal-thoughts-official]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST IDEA. But may I also propose: Magnus cursed from a young age (probably bc of Asmodeus) that anyone who touches him is hurt by a blast of magic he can't control. (This may result in his mother's death). He locks himself away of his own will. Alec teaches then that it's fear that makes him lash out. Featuring: touch starved Magnus.

this idea is GENIUS actually and i love it. tbh me and my friend have a similar idea that we talk to each other about (lol) but it isn't a B&B thing, its more of an adventure AU. anyway, lets go!

so in this universe i guess magnus banished asmodeus like in the original sh verse but asmodeus cursed him with the "everyone you touch will be in indescribable pain" thing. maybe just as revenge, maybe to try and use it as bargaining chip because okay magnus, is it freedom that u want? u want to be able to have ur own friends and ur own life? fine. get me back, and ill leave u alone, and ull be free to have friends again. if not, ull be still isolated just like before. so is it gonna be win-win, or lose-lose?

but magnus doesn't budge because he knows that if he lets asmodeus free things will only get worse not only for him, but for the whole world. he is too dangerous to be out there. so, magnus resigns to his fate

and i guess in this version he wouldnt have a lot of close friends because he had been with asmodeus his whole life before he was cursed, so he was just. alone in his self-imposed isolation with no one to talk to. maybe he enchants the furniture so they gain sentience but they can't really feel pain, so at least he has someone to talk to. god im so fucking sad already

so is the furniture his friends in canon? im not entirely sure how i feel about that but also the idea of ragnor as that clock from the original movie is great. thats my most important thought on the subject ngl

btw its 4 degrees Celsius in here so im typing with gloves on so ull have to excuse my typos i am a mere brazilian and i want death

anyway okay so i guess his friends are like pieces of furniture that he spelled into sentience and they aren't his servants or anything cuz that's gross but they just like, hang out. wow im actually managing to type pretty well all things considered

so at least magnus has people to talk to but he's still touch starved because you know... a clock can't hug you and that'd just be weird. maybe them becoming sentient was an accident? lmao like magnus just wanted to automate some functions like having the clock talk to tell him the time or something and it turned out that they became sentient. possibly his magic is a little fucky because of the curse so that's why that happened? or maybe he just is way more powerful than he realizes and we all know he invented the spells he used to try and automate the things anyway. but if he gets people to talk to, well, he's not complaining

im focusing too much on this. anyway. id also like to note that im making rapha the cook/stove thing because i mean, come on. it's right there

and ok i guess alec comes into this because he uhhhhhh no u know i might go with that izzy thing. so izzy ran away from home because of maryse's bullshit and alec was sent to bring her back. so he was going after her but in the middle of the path there was the whole wolf attack thing that scared off his horse and LUCKILY magnus' house/tower/whatever was right next!!! so of course they take alec and his horse in but also WHOOPS there's a huge snowstorm that lasts for days (par the course for where magnus lives, actually. he DID want somewhere people would avoid. but also i think maybe his magic being fucky has something to do with it) so i guess alec is stuck at magnus' for the foreseeable future

which is HELL for magnus because he is terrified out of his mind that they will accidentally touch and alec will be hurt. and like.... his Constant Crave For Touch is already bad on a regular day, but having someone who could actually hug him in theory just makes it worse, you know? he hasn't interacted with other human beings in so long, just having one there is enough to make his need for touch almost unbearable and just... completely constant. it's hell

so magnus is scared, which means that he keeps to himself. so he tells alec not to go into his room, he tries not to eat at the same time, and other stuff like that, bUT his friends keep sabotaging his plans because they want him to have another friend, jesus christ!! (rapha being like "come on now magnus, you don't want my soup to get cold, do you? i'll be deeply offended. i guess you have no choice but to eat with alec". so magnus goes but the first thing he does is magic his regular table into a gigantic rectangular table with 41908410 seats and seat on on the side opposite to alec. alec just sighs

so like he's constantly coming across as rude because he is trying to avoid alec, alec just doesn't know why

but alec is also a stubborn bitch who goes stir crazy and refuses to just sit around isolated doing nothing while they wait for the stupid storm to finally be over so he can go get his sister. and magnus saved his life, so it's the least he can do to repay him in some way. besides, this is what, the first time that he's been completely away from his mom? for such a long time too? and he's finding that he feels... weirdly free and just relieved and he doesn't want to waste that opportunity with standing idly around alone all day. he had enough of that at home, thank you very much

besides yeah magnus is being rude but alec is used to straight up assholes and abusers (jace. i'm talking about jace. also maryse ofc but mostly jace) and magnus is not that. in fact he makes very polite conversation and is actually pretty fun during dinner, all things considered. he's just.... super private, i guess

AND magnus' friends are all being a nightmare with the making them interact so you know. they end up interacting. and alec makes it a point to help him take care of his house because it is a certified Depression Lair™. magnus can take care of it magically but it's like... so dark and almost suffocating at times and there is stuff like bad painting and piping problems that he never bothered to fix because it isn't affecting the functionality too much but it DOES makes life harder and alec "everything must be at 100% always" lightwood is not here for it so for a few days they are working on fixing the house and... magnus actually feels a lot better when the place has actual sunlight and looks inviting and like a home, he has to admit. when he says that to alec it might be the first time he's given him a real smile and man, is alec smitten

sidenote i guess this means that magnus doesn't exactly... dress well in this au lmaoo i mean it makes sense too because canonically magnus uses dressing up as a way to convey an image of power and untouchability and he doesn't really need that in this AU since he is completely isolated. so i guess he is a bit more like twi magnus - bare-faced and wearing comfortable clothes and the like. this isn't a twi au i'm just saying that it makes more sense for him to dress like that in that context

anyway. after the whole house fixing thing, they officially become friends. it turns out that alec also knows a bit about what it's like to feel isolated and touch-starved (altho he's always had izzy to help in that department, but still) and also what crappy parents are like. magnus shows alec his little mirror that he's enchanted to be able to show him anything he wants and how he uses it to be able to see all the places in the world he'd like to visit - he loves people, he loves culture, and sometimes it's all he can do to watch what's going on in Mumbai and it makes him feel a little better, so, he does that. he also admits that sometimes he catches on some drama happening and uses the mirror to see the people involved and make sure they are okay. kinda like a soap opera of his own but he has the means to interfere and help because of magic, so he will have someone who's struggling with money suddenly find hidden cash or have an "unknown dead relative" give them a lot of money in their will, or something like that. and if he also watches some of their personal drama that unfolds, well. he is lonely and it's not hurting anyone

but magnus doesn't tell him about the curse, and he still makes sure to keep his distance. it stings a little to alec, but it hurts magnus the most because fuck, maybe he just desperately needs someone who will give him the time of day, but he likes this guy and that only makes it harder to keep his distance. he makes it a point to always be at at least two arms length from alec, which alec thankfully respects and doesn't try to get him to breach, but. shit. it's still so hard to not want to just rest his head on his shoulder or get a hug or even fucking touch pinkies like stupid children and he can't. alec even once jokingly suggests that they have a ball since magnus doesn't know how to dance and magnus is actually excited for a second before he remembers that he can't, it would have to mean that alec touches him, and he can't

someone - maybe ragnor - even suggests that maybe he could try gloves and heavy clothing so alec isn't really touching him but magnus refuses to try because he doesn't want to risk it not working and alec getting hurt, because he'd never forgive himself. besides, getting a taste would only make it hurt more. he can't. he can't

but it's alright because at least he has some human company - he loves his friends, he does, fiercely, but it's different when they kind of have no choice but to be with him and also are enchanted creatures. he doesn't even know if they aren't nice to him just because he enchanted them into life, even tho to be fair if he had a choice ragnor wouldn't be that grouchy - and alec makes him laugh and gets him and helped make his place feel more like home, a little bit. and he can pretend that he feels the warmth from alec's body when they are sitting by the fire and feed these crumbs to his desperate need for touch and company

and then the snowstorm ends and it's time for alec to go

honestly, alec himself is kind of heartbroken, but- he loves his sister, and he can't just leave her alone in god knows where, even if he dreads the thought of coming back home now that he's been away from his family for so long. but magnus doesn't want to keep him, and doesn't want alec to feel pity for him, so he's all but pushing alec out of the door (not literally, of course. he can't do that, it would mean touching him) all "go, go, you never know when another storm might start. go see your sister. take my mirror, you can find her more easy". and alec's all "but it's been the only thing-" and magnus waves him off, of course, all "i can always make myself another one. besides, you'll have something to remember me by. now go"

so.... alec goes

and hooo boy magnus is heartbroken and a mess because even tho he knew how much having someone else there helped he had almost forgotten what it was like to be the only human in the house. he just feels extra lonely and even kind of bad about it because hey, his friends are there - not that they begrudge him for it, of course. it's not like they don't also hope for the chance to get out of the house and do other things, but well. they can't. so they understand him. and they know how awful he's feeling right then, but what can they do?

meanwhile alec finds izzy pretty quickly - she's living with this one insufferable villager named clary that alec absolutely can't stand, but- she's happy. and she doesn't want to come back, which alec expected, but he finds that he can't actually insist for her to come back. how could he, when he himself doesn't want to go?

and izzy insists that he stays with her - there's no reason for him to come back. they can stay in the village, and work, and build a life for themselves. alec is the only thing she's been missing ever since she left, and in here the both of them can actually be happy. and do it together, like they're meant to

and when he first gets into the village is the first time since izzy ran away that he was hugged and fuck, it's hard to say no to her

but also... he misses magnus already

and he doesn't know if he can just stay and leave him behind

and of course izzy is like "who is magnus?" so alec tells her the story, how he was attacked by wolves and rescued by this house that miraculously was in the middle of the single most inhospitable placealec had ever seen in his life. and the kind but wary stranger who always keeps his distance but seems so eager for connection, who made alec feel welcome and laugh and feel like he built a life for himself there

and clary tells him that she's heard of the story, but she never knew it was more than a legend - no one really remembers what happened. some say that magnus made a sacrifice to rid the village of a demon, and it turned him into a beast, forever locked in his castle. some say that he himself is the demon, and it's the tower that's containing him and keeping the village safe. some even say that he died battling the demon, and it's his ghost that keeps watch on the tower

she wants alec to explain which one is true, but it's all alec can say that none of these are right and he knows nothing because magnus never told him. all alec knows is that he doesn't want to leave magnus behind

and clary is like... well, if he's not a demon or a ghost, maybe we could bring him to the village too. he has magic, right? he could bring the tower closer. and maybe the other villagers could, you know, visit him and hang out. and he wouldn't be as lonely, and then alec and izzy could both stay

driven by this failproof plan, they decide to go back to magnus and tell him their great idea

except they are IDIOTS and forget about. you know. the damn wolves

and like holy shit is this pack big or what? like no seriously why are there infinite wolves in that one singular pack in beauty and the beast. like holy shit dude there's more wolves near the beast's house than in the whole yellowstone park

anyway there are Many Wolves and while alec is a good archer, izzy is a fantastic fighter, and clary is Fucking Crazy if you give her something stabby, there's only so many wolves they can take on at the same time

good thing magnus is a pining idiot who did in fact make himself another magic mirror and was watching alec with it. so he knows that the dumbass is in trouble and for the first time in years, he uses the portal (his own invention, and he had never gotten to use it before!) to get to them and fight off the wolves

so magnus saves all their lives, at the cost of getting severely injured and passing the fuck out. izzy, who's the one closest, runs to get to him and help put him on one of their horses... and is immediately hit by a blast of magic that almost makes HER pass tf out too

which is when they finally learn that, oh. that is the curse

izzy is fine, of course - the pain ended as soon as she was away from magnus

but it does pose the problem of How The Fuck Are They Getting Him Back To Safety, because they can't exactly wait for magnus to wake up (it's freezing, for starters) but with this amount of pain it won't be physically possible for them to hoist him up and get him on the horse. shit, will the curse work on the horse?

they bring alec's horse (by far the strongest of them because alec is huge buff mcgee) and try to get him to touch magnus and the spell does NOT work on the horse because in order to be dramatic asmodeus was like "you shall never feel human touch again" when he cast the spell, which accidentally gave a LOOPHOLE for non-human animals. so magnus could have had cats the whole time, which he had always dreamed of, but he didnt want to risk testing. besides, his house would be a poor environment for a cat and [self torture noises]

anyway thats one less problem to deal with, 99 to go, so they use some ropes to hoist magnus on top of the horse and bring him back to the tower (it's closer than the village) so they can tend to his wounds. thankfully, as the assigned Big Brother of a very irresponsible izzy, alec has experience with first aid, altho he never really dealt with anything quite this bad. and magnus' friends help, too, as much as they can. inevitably this means that alec ends up touching him even if by accident sometimes, but he knows what to expect so he Powers Through It because he won't let magnus die, damn. and as horrible as that is alec has experience with powering through pain, so. he's gonna bandage him up god damn it

izzy can't stand to see him dealing with that himself tho, so she helps, and clary ends up helping as well because they figure sharing the pain makes it easier and alec doesn't have to be too hurt. minimal touching accidents for alec! good

*narrator voice* And Then Magnus Wakes Up And Alec Hugs Him

full on launches on top of him and brings him into his arms and Magnus screams like NONONO OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALEC NO GET OFF ME YOU'LL BE HURT and his shock and distress at the whole thing sends another whole blast of magic that explodes that whole mf before it can touch alec and alec feels no pain and magnus is like.............. did i just COUNTER the spell? and everyone's like well! it looks like u did!

which earns him ANOTHER hug (oh my god alec stop he's so stressed out by this) (who knew alec was so touchy?) and this time he's paying attention to that gut reaction and because magnus is a Certified Magic Genius he realizes what it is that he's doing to counter the spell and immediately starts working on a way to turn this into unhexxing himself for good

which he DOES after some time idk how long but alec stays with him meanwhile and maybe izzy and clary do too, because magnus needs all the company he can get and besides, izzy has always wanted adventure and clary has never left the village before, so this is interesting to them at least. and magnus gets to meet new ppl which is nice

eventually the Begone Spell spell is performed and it works and turns out that when it does that it also unfucks magnus' magic and perfects his sentience spell turning all of his friends into humans WOW WHOD HAVE THOUGHT. so all of them are free to leave the tower as ppl at the same time and GROUP HUG!! and magnus cries like a baby in the group hug because holy shit hes been needing something like this so bad for so long and he never expected to have that with his friends but here he is :)

and then yeah they all move to the village to live a simple but fulfilling life and Magnus and Alec start living together in a little cottage and become husbands the end <3 this is so long too rip me

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

i feel like u mentioned having some kind of personal hc bout evil x at some point?? maybe it was another blog, just curious

Yeah, I do have one! It's a little bit hard to explain (and maybe a bit overboard with the lore), but I'll do my best:

TL;DR: Evil X is a past version of Xisuma who got consumed by the unlimited power of admin abilities. Due to timeline weirdness he developed differently than X did and never gained a moral compass.

Way, WAY too detailed analysis under the cut, if you're interested.

Disclaimer: I'm analyzing lore because I like to analyze lore, I am in no way trying to say anything about X as an actual person

So. The three main info sources we have on EX are his abilities, his characterization/personality, and the way X interacts with him. A lot of this stuff is pretty inconsistent in canon but if we're willing to overlook some bumpy patches we can get a few key points.

First of all, to me it seems like Evil X's power set is basically just admin abilities with a lack of moral limitations. He can summon other entities (minions, tnt, etc.), he can replace blocks with other blocks, he can summon lightening. These are all things you can do with commands: aka, things Xisuma himself could do but doesn’t (because self control and loving your friends and all that stuff)

Then, we have EX's characterization (which I'll be honest with you, isn't a lot). If we're going on purely canon information, he's usually portrayed as kind of immature. He does things seemingly on impulse with no backup for if plan A doesn't work, he tends to rely on brute force more so than strategy, and he doesn't really think ahead much. In my opinion, he's also portrayed as very lonely. On multiple occasions his plans relied on trusting an entity or entities (his minions, the voice in the Nether) that later betrayed him, and any time X has tried to be friendly to him he really seems to be in need of that connection and understanding. In general he just gives off the vibes of a lost and hurting younger person in need of some guidance and experience.

That brings us to how Xisuma interacts with him, which is very interesting. He's willing to do whatever it takes to stop EX if he's trying to destroy the server, but as soon as the immediate danger is no longer present, Xisuma shows kindness to EX startlingly easily. It's almost as if he knows somehow that the thing EX needs is just someone to understand him, to listen and help him see more constructive uses for the power he's found himself with. Or at least, he thinks he knows this. In the end X does seem to give up on that goal by banning him, but we'll get to that later.

Now, my own personal headcanon about admin powers is that they can be taught and learned, but some people are spawned in already having a natural affinity for them. I think that X was one of those people, and that Evil X is a version of him from way back when he was first exploring his abilities.

Imagine: having only just come into existence, and then having the power to create and destroy the very fundamentals of your world itself with a single typed command. In the beginning, the temptation to push that power more and more, to stretch it and see just how far you can go, just how effectively you can warp the universe to your will...it must have been overwhelming. (If you don't believe me, just look at the amount of tnt used by the average child in creative mode lol)

I think for the first few years of having his abilities Xisuma kind of let it go to his head. It's easy to distance yourself from every other living thing when you can destroy them so easily, easy to stop thinking of them as living.

Obviously in X's case he moved away from that stage. As much of a rush as this power was to use, he did not want a legacy of ashes. He eventually started learning new ways to use his power, ways that created instead of destroyed, and he found that he liked it much better. He started seeking out people he could connect with, trying to find his own humanity again. He built and protected and felt at home in the peace he'd made, for himself and the Hermits, his new found family. He swore he would never use his abilities like that again.

However at some point in the height of those early days of power madness, X did something that split the timeline. The universe fractured and created a parallel version of himself that never developed beyond that initial destructive stage. How and why Evil X crossed over to the main timeline is up to interpretation (I have a few ideas but this post is way too long already), but when he showed up X knew exactly who he was looking at.

Xisuma thought he knew how to save Evil X because he knew what he'd needed at that stage of his life: to find his humanity again. So, he tried to make a genuine human connection at every possible opportunity. He was always willing to fight if necessary to protect his friends, but whenever EX wasn’t posing an immediate physical threat, he would try his best to reach out, to give him a chance.

What he failed to realize, of course, was that by interacting with EX he'd just changed the timeline. Evil X is now not set on the same path as Xisuma: different events have happened to him, therefore he is turning into a different person. With that fatal flaw in mind, X realized it was not a guarantee that EX would ever move past the stage of power-drunk sabotage. I think Xisuma eventually decided that the risk to his friends and all they had built together wasn't worth the reward, and banned him. It wasn’t easy, but he finally had to accept that the person who’d been haunting him was no longer him.

Wow, that was a long post! I have to say I really do like the various brother or clone headcanons for EX, but I really like exploring the more original concept of an “evil self”.

Still, even my Evil Xisuma isn't necessarily "evil", or at least he doesn't have to be. He just spawned in with incredible power and no experience, and didn't really know what else to do with himself. It's awfully hard to know right from wrong when you have no moral frame of reference. However, if someone were to come along and offer him that frame of reference...say, a certain superhero... who's name starts with a W and ends with "ormman"...maybe he could still be redeemed :)

[cqcandchill]

trauma talk below, lads

discovered that my indian status will cover 22 hours of therapy in a 12 month period sooo i. think i’m gonna try again bc i’m really at my limit with myself + being perpetually stuck in a loop of going forward/backing up. i’m tired of running away from my own success and being scared of being perceived and self-sabotaging every good fucking thing that happens bc it’s easier to reject people/myself first than wait for the other shoe to drop. i’m constantly avoiding serious things that ruin my reputation and set me backwards, then torturing myself with the anxiety of my own fucking avoidance. or ruining friendships bc i get triggered by something and then immediately run. i can’t do it anymore.

and i hate that it’s taken me this long to realize how very serious it all is. like i’m not just posting “lol childhood trauma” memes bc they vaguely resemble mild feelings - there is something Very Seriously Wrong with me and i can’t fix it by myself just by reading every psychology today article. and it’s like… wildly validating! to comprehend i’m not faking CPTSD, but i also think i’ve been in a state of grief for the last 8 years, and i’ve been deeply retraumatized by multiple fucked up events in my life, so. idk lol. i am coming to terms with a lot of the things i’ve been made to carry as an indigenous child of an indigenous single mom, and all the trauma i’ve had to witness as a young person in my family. this is all very difficult for me to admit and accept, as a person who learned to keep myself under lock and key in order to feel safe. i thought knowing the root of the problem would give me the means to fix it, bc i learned i was the only person i could rely on to fix my problems - but even digging so much in search of an independent answer/solution is a trauma response. this isn’t something that i can do by myself and it’s like… really really scary to approach, bc my default state is “people = untrustworthy = they will hurt you if given the chance” which is not a healthy coping mechanism, and certainly something that’s kept me from seeking help i really need through connections.

and i’ve just always known Intellectually™️ that i have trauma, that something is wrong, but i’ve never confronted it emotionally. there’s always been a detachment there for me. and i think today is the first time i’ve ever… had an emotional realization/acceptance about how serious my CPTSD symptoms are.

like wow this is really something i have to deal with huh! it’s really bad! and it’s not normal! and it’s not my fault! but i still have to live with and deal with it, and also endure the additional trauma of having my experiences and my identity invalidated because i’m not visibly indigenous.

i’m having a hard time. i smudged today while crying my fucking eyes out and i think this is the answer i was given to the prayer i made. so i have to do something with that bc i think if i go another year like this i really might actually kms. and also it would be kind of rude to pray to spirit and then reject what spirit gives me.

anyway sorry for treating this like a public diary i just have to get this out there and it’s easier to type it up on the void of tumblr dot com than speak to another human being in real time but uhh. one step at a time

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[panharmonium]

stranger things 3, a visual summary:

more coherent thoughts under the cut, because wow.

......okay.  that was a Trainwreck.  an absolute mess.

i remember when my coworkers were watching S3 (and still urging me to start season 1) and they were saying how amazing the latest season was, and honestly i think there must just be a difference in people who watch tv just to be entertained and people who watch tv and automatically evaluate the story (aka fandom veterans and English majors, lol - cue Me twice), because WHO could watch this critically and praise it that way?

it's honestly hard to know where to even begin; i've been sending frustrated notes to @brambleberrycottage ever since episode three and now that i'm done with episode 8 there's just......so much more to say

first, good things:

erica is a great character.  she's what max should have been (aka, uh.......interesting!)  i liked the realization moment where dustin was like "you're a NERD!"

that entire sequence where will is so upset with lucas and mike for not being engaged with the dnd game was very well done, especially the conversation he has with mike out in the rain.  i loved that moment where mike asked him "did you think we were just going to hang out in my basement playing games forever?" and will said, "yeah.  yeah, i guess i did."  i really felt that.  [edit, now that i've finished: this was never resolved.  will giving away his dnd books at the end was not an actual resolution to this conflict.]

steve is still a good dude, and robin was pretty cool.  i'm down for them being super friends.  but i'm still mourning the steve+nancy+jonathan trio that was a thing for like 5 seconds and then never returned.

i loved how genuinely excited steve was to see dustin when dustin came back from camp.  that was adorable.  "HENDERSON!!!!"  "how many children are you friends with?"

and uh. yeah.  i had more problems with this season than praise-bestowing moments, so.  here goes that bit.

OVERARCHING PROBLEMS:

1. keep it simple, stupid

remember in the office when dwight quoted the above advice to ryan as michael's rule for making a sale?  the same advice applies to storytelling.

season 1 of stranger things is so simple.  there is One Monster.  that is the danger.  and somehow, that single monster manages to be a thousand times more terrifying than all of these new "bigger, scarier, more epic" threats crammed into the second two seasons.

how goofy is the stranger things season 3 plot, seriously?  russians are blackmailing a small-town mayor so they can buy up land to steal power from the town while operating a secret lab under the mall to open a gate to the Upside Down (WHY?), while simultaneously a remnant of the malevolent force that was "defeated" last season has reanimated itself and is making people scarf chemicals (WHY?), and then it possesses one of them and uses that person to possess a bunch of other people in order to build itself a body made out of melted people, in order to kill el, whose only story this season is breaking up with her boyfriend, and we have to infiltrate this russian base in order to close the gate (same endgame as last season - BIG NO-NO) to kill the goo monster, except last time the "mindflayer” survived the gate being closed, so why would this even WORK, and -

the fact that there are so many "round-up/info dump" scenes where characters summarize what's going on and make implausibly accurate connections/guesses about what it all must mean is a red flag.  the characters shouldn’t have to tell your story to the audience.  if it's too complicated for us to keep straight on our own, it's too complicated.  

the amount of energy that goes into trying to lash together a Chaos Plot with too many shaky legs leaves nothing left over for nuanced character development or mood establishment.  you're constantly running to catch up to your own flimsy story before it collapses on top of itself.

2. the horror!

S1 of stranger things was the scariest thing i'd ever seen.

granted, i don't watch a lot of horror, because i don't like it.  i get scared too easily and then i legitimately can't sleep.  i watched a horror movie five years ago that i still think about every time the lights are off in my house.  but still, ST1 was something i had never experienced before.

it wasn't creature horror, and it wasn't just suspense.  it was the UNSETTLINGNESS of it all.  it wasn't really about the monster.  it was about the Upside Down.

the reason ST1 is so successful is because of how much we don’t know.  it's the horror of not understanding what is happening, and the terror of knowing that nobody thinks it’s real.  feeling like you're going crazy and being cut off from all assistance.  the conspiracy and the cover-up.  and the sheer unsettlingness of the whole parallel worlds things just tipped me over the edge - the idea that you can take one wrong step and then be suddenly and without warning completely off the map, simultaneously right next to the people you want to get to and also utterly beyond their reach.  that was fucking scary!!!!  

and they do it all with so little.  i have literally never been more scared in my life than when i would see those christmas lights start flickering.  and they're just LIGHTS!  yes, we see the monster later, but it's the uncertainty that's most frightening.  we don't understand how it arrives in our world, and we don’t know where it will show up next.  it could be right next to you - on the other side.  you could be standing on top of it.  you just don't know.  it’s like what jonathan says to nancy in her bedroom - “it can’t get us in here.”  and she says, “we don’t know that.”

the later seasons of stranger things, by comparison, did not scare me at all.  season two was like a zombie movie - hordes of weak enemies that you can just shoot with a gun.  and season 3 was even less frightening - upping the ante and making things gorier, more explosive, and bigger just isn't the vibe they set in S1.  i'm not scared of that giant goop monster.  it's like godzilla.  it's not horror; it's just a lot of noise.

the unsettling, "creep" factor that made season 1 so effective was gone.  it just turned into a regular old monster movie, and i didn't find that particularly interesting.

3. illogical, captain

a while ago there was a wave of pushback against people complaining about plot holes, but you know what?  there is, in fact, an appropriate place for us to talk about plausibility, as well as the point at which our suspension of disbelief collapses.

ST3 is a bona fide plausibility disaster.  i did not believe half of the story, because it was not unfolding in a believable way.

half of the plot points in this season would not have happened if the characters had been behaving with any kind of sense.  it is absolutely impossible for me to believe that none of these children IMMEDIATELY went to joyce or hopper the minute they knew something weird was going on.  it makes no sense.  after the shit they've seen?  it makes sense in season 1, because the kids are still so young that they have that kind of magical thinking that makes all of this seem kind of like an adventure.  but they're teenagers now, and developmentally, they’re past that stage.  they know the evil creature is back and they're pretty sure it's possessing billy?  for some unfathomable reason, they don't go to an adult, but try to trap billy in the sauna and just see what happens.  the other group has actual proof that russian soldiers are up to something shady in the mall?  they don't tell an adult; they send a TEN YEAR-OLD in through the AIR DUCTS to investigate the secret room guarded by MEN WITH GUNS.

this is ridiculous.  none of this should have happened.  none of this WOULD have happened.  it breaks the boundaries of disbelief.  it completely sabotages the audience’s engagement with the story - joyce and hopper's whole detour with alexei and murray is so dull, because its entire purpose is to bring hop and joyce up to speed on something that we, the audience, already know.  the other characters already found out this stuff, but did not communicate it - the gate is being opened again in a russian lab underground.  there's no suspense for us.  nothing new is revealed.  we're just waiting for them to hurry up and finish finding out so we can move on to the next thing.

moreover: there are so many other problems besides just "these characters would have talked to each other."  why on earth would murray, whose sole characteristic is extreme paranoia, take alexei wandering around the festival for hot dogs and carnival games.  why would hopper be so virulently against the possibility that weird shit might be happening again?  does he remember the past year or what?  how on earth would the kids be able to fight off that massive monster with an ax and a hunting rifle?  it's made out of dead guts and bones; why does it care if they shoot it?!  how in the WORLD is this russian facility so penetrable?  i'm sorry, it's just - beyond believable.  it doesn't have cameras?  the russians guards really can't tell that murray isn't a native speaker?  they don't check his id when they don't recognize him?  joyce and hopper really just got that lucky, to be asked a question and have “smile and nod” be the right answer?  nobody ever got shot?  it's silly.  it's just silly.  so many things - erica uses the "Open" button to open the elevator door in order to let steve and robin and dustin inside, but once the elevator is at the bottom of the shaft, robin explains the door's inexplicable non-opening because......you apparently need a keycard to use the buttons????  THAT MAKES NO SENSE; ERICA JUST USED THE BUTTONS A SECOND AGO.

even the entire endgame of this season is a contradiction!  if the mind-flayer survived el closing the gate last time, it doesn't make sense that closing the gate this time would kill it.  literally the entire plot of last season was "we need to get this thing out of will, because the creature will die once the gate is closed, and we want to make sure will doesn't die with it."  but apparently the creature didn't die upon closing the gate; it just got trapped in our dimension.  but now apparently it WILL die upon closing the gate.  for whatever fucking reason.

i'm sorry, but that’s a mess.  that’s a bona fide mess.

4. watch your tone

i honestly think the tonal change is the thing that made me the most frustrated about this season.  it's possible to have a terrible plot and still stay relatively true to your characters - you'll still have a bad season, but at least you didn't bastardize your characters in the process.

i had issues with S2 and i definitely was not as impressed with it as i was with S1, but at least in S2 joyce and hopper were recognizable.  in S3, i felt like i was watching strangers.  the tonal shift was bizarre and off-putting, more so with hopper than joyce, but it affected both of them.  

even as early as the very beginning of this season, i was feeling weird about how often hopper was being used for comedy.  and as the season progressed, this trend only became more pronounced.  almost every scene we had of him felt silly - and not like there was just something funny in the scene for me to laugh at, but like the audience was almost being asked to laugh AT him.  like he was constantly the butt of the joke.  

this really bothered me.  from that incredibly sincere and heart-wrenching portrayal of him in season 1, when they kept him rooted in the trauma of losing his daughter and the breakdown of his marriage, and then how that same trauma made him so driven to save will and protect the kids - what a change.  even in season 2 i was frustrated how the throughline of his daughter wasn’t touched again until the very last episode, and now in season 3 we’ve left that part of him so far behind that he's just there for us to laugh at.  we're supposed to laugh at scenes of him being drunk and a mess.  every scene he's in is either him arguing with joyce for comedic relief or being way over the top with alexei or the mayor.  he was like a caricature of himself, and i didn't recognize him.  

joyce suffered from the same thing, just by virtue of proximity.  she spent almost all of her time in this season with hopper, and virtually all of that time was taken up with silly shenanigans or comically overblown arguing.  what a departure from the desperate mother of season 1, who was maligned by everyone in town and only taken seriously by the audience.  now it’s the audience who are supposed to be chuckling at her.  

i dunno.  the tone shift was very dramatic, very obvious, and it impacted the entire season.  are we supposed to be taking this seriously or is it supposed to be a joke?  a little bit of humor to break tension can be a good thing, but when it's constant, it confuses the mood.  

and i personally don't think it was appropriate or respectful to either of these characters, in this case.

SMALLER THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME:

this show has 100% hit maximum character saturation.  by the end of this season there were 13 core characters onscreen at the same time, in the same scene!  it’s too many people!  they cannot reasonably develop that many people in the space allotted.

i still am not interested in max.  i don't feel anything for her.  she doesn't feel real.  i don't hate her, but she's just an empty vessel, and i really do think she's superfluous to this show.  i think you could remove her with very little reworking and the show would be stronger for it.  (they TRIED to do something interesting with billy, and i might have cared if we had been given literally any reason to care about him previously, but there was no investment earned there.  they didn't do the front-end work to make him somebody we were interested in.)

weird relationship sunderings from previous seasons.  i felt very strange about jonathan barely even seeing will this entire season.  i felt very strange about steve having almost zero contact with nancy.  i felt very strange about joyce hardly ever interacting with her kids.  all of these were core relationships - the characters were BUILT on those relationships, and they don't feel real outside of them.  not seeing these characters devote time to these relationships makes it feel like i'm watching a slightly different show.

the VIOLENCE.  apparently this is a beat-em-up now???  i really felt like every other scene somebody was getting beaten to a bloody pulp.  there was SO much smashing and bashing and throwing people into walls and fistfights and head trauma like - first of all, i find that stuff pretty boring, and second of all, all of these people should be in the hospital.  

the GORE.  other people’s mileage may vary, obviously; i just didn't like that.  i looked away at the scene with the rat, and all this...goopy dissolving human shit, and the stabbings, and just...general grossness level - season 1 managed to be bloodcurdlingly terrifying without any of this stuff.

i know this borders on nitpicky, but yet more medical malfeasance - another example of someone receiving an injection via the mysterious 90 degree angle neck route, plus - was anyone else losing it at the fact that steve and robin “puked up” a drug they received……..via injection??????  IT’S NOT IN THEIR STOMACHS, FOLKS!  THEY CAN’T PUKE IT UP!  IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT!

the complete lack of follow-up to last season.  the whole S3 plotline (such as it is) feels like a weird side quest.  last season seemed to be furthering the mythos and setting us up for "there are other children like el/brenner is alive" - but this season, that fact appears to have been forgotten by everyone (even el!!!) and has nothing to do with the story that we're given, which is a goofy and redundant story about russians opening a secret lab under the mall which requires us to solve the exact same problem as last season (closing the gate).

this show's inability to keep certain throughlines in its headlights/keep things visible on the periphery instead of dropping them completely and then bringing them back whenever they feel like they need it again.   i already talked about hopper’s daughter as an example of this (done well in S1 and poorly in S2 and S3).  another example is that scene with nancy and her mom - it’s such a good scene, and yet it misses out on so much resonance, because they completely dropped the plotline of karen feeling locked out of her kids’ lives and desperately wanting to connect with them.  if they had continued to reference that throughout season 2, then this scene would have been so much more powerful.   as a third example, season 3 starts with a clear context/premise, and it’s INTERESTING - the town landscape changing because of the mall, business slow to non-existent, small town discontent over big corporations moving in, hopper pressured to break up the protest against mayor kline when he should have let it proceed - and then the show just drops that entire context.  you expect season 3 to stay rooted in the "our small town is being strangled by this mall" and then to eventually deal with the revitalization of hawkins, but nah.  it's never mentioned again.

LASTLY:

i'm not really gonna get into hopper "dying," because he's, like...clearly not dead.  but the whole situation was stupid and contrived (i was so sick of that arnold schwarzenegger lookalike by the last episode, god that whole thing was so dumb) and it's even cheaper knowing that he'll obviously be back.

what i AM gonna say is that i was livid that they brought back that peter gabriel cover of "heroes" to end this season.  their use of that song in S1 blew my mind - it had me stunned with how GORGEOUS it was and just, the way it worked in that particular scene - absolutely incredible.  floored me.  gave me chills.  to recycle it at the end of such a poorly constructed season made me so mad.  yOU CAN'T MAKE ME FEEL THINGS JUST BY REUSING THIS SONG.  I REFUSE TO HAVE EMOTIONS JUST BECAUSE YOU PULL OUT THIS BEAUTIFUL TRACK THAT YOU ONCE USED TO GREAT EFFECT; YOUR STORY WAS STILL TERRIBLE THIS TIME AROUND; DO NOT TRY TO TRICK FEELINGS OUT OF US THAT HAVEN’T BEEN EARNED.  

and that's it.  i’m sure later i’ll think of other things i neglected to mention here, but...yeah.  i was not impressed.  

[isakkxeven]

the signs as i know them part II

i’ve been wanting to make another post like this since the last I made which you can look at here. anyway! here are the signs as i know them part 2!

Aries: underrated. your strength is unmatched and your spirit is bigger than most give credit to. because of your sharp tongue and inability to hold back, people sometimes are rubbed the wrong way by you, but you have a huge heart. you are one of the most loyal signs, incredibly caring in weird ways. not overly affectionate, but shows their loves through their actions. some of the most determined people i’ve met are aries. so...so stubborn...but not a bad a thing, an absolute marvel of a thing, actually. your stubbornness and persistence is unlike anything. it’s your strength. Taurus: materialistic, but not in a bad way. they just love being taken care of and impressing others as well as family. they’re some pretty enigmatic people with unique personalities. carefree but they also care the most. they can be hot headed one minute then kind the next. they don’t always know how to handle their emotions, but they try to make up for anything erratic they may do. taurus, as i know them, harbor a lot of guilt and internal feelings that may often be met with self destruction. taurus don’t like to look weak, but they wear their heart on their shoulder more than they realize. kind, funny, insanely smart, SO SMART, clever, cunning. honestly, iconic. Gemini: ugh. gemini. you are the brunt of the sign, and while i may have not had the best experience with you guys, i still see you. i see the pain you have, because that pain is so yours that it’s all that matters in the moment you receive it. you can hold a grudge. you also complain...a lot. you feel like you have the whole world on your shoulders, but really, it’s just you and your mind. you’re such a switch there’s no telling when you might blow. you don’t talk about your emotions unless you have someone to blame for them. i feel like i’m giving gemini’s a hard time, but unfortunately i haven’t had the best luck with geminis. i will say this–as much as you guys are a bit wild, when you want something, you either totally squash the idea of it ever happening or you get it. your power is very much in your own hands. Cancer: shameless. have a hard time handling pressure. i don’t have a lot of experience with cancer’s, but the few i do often don’t give a shit one minute while the next minute their whole world may collapse. one thing cancer’s are good at is giving. they give a little too much, to the point where the shirt on their back becomes the skin. cancer’s don’t know when enough is enough and have a taste for the luxurious. wildly successful, capable, but doubtful of themselves because of scrutiny they may receive from others. they like to think they have a hard shell, but they’re easily cracked given the right (or wrong) words. they live by what is ideal and often not practical, but it’s what makes them so charismatic and likable even though they can turn around and talk shit the next minute. homebodies. very fearful of rejection. Leo: spitfire little bitch. omg. i love you though. you’re classic, you’re poised, but inside you’re a raging ball of disaster and you know it. your energy is know it all and your spirit is always high. you love to give, but not necessarily through material means, but through your strong emotional abilities. you’re supportive in a way that distracts and allows people to take a breath. you’re honest, but not like virgos who are more straight up, but in a supportive way that’s usually met with humor. you have a cheeky personality and you are often the jokester. prideful as you never ever show your struggles. resilient and strong, certainly a contender amongst the rest of the signs.  Virgo: i could go on and on about virgos. some of the most responsible, hard working, intelligent people. they can and WILL do anything. their own worst enemy is their own self and virgos i’ve known always tend to self sabotage. but, needless to say, they always somehow make a comeback no matter the mess they make in the moment. hot heads, judgmental, but funny as hell. they hold back with strangers, but once you get close enough, you realize just how vulgar they are. charismatic, honestly they just attract and manifest anything and everything because they really are that powerful. they often remind me to come back to reality and take care of the shit i need to. best friend material. the best ever.  Libra: stressed out little things. you guys are the epitome of stress and often bite off more than you can chew. but, you still manage to get it done cause that’s your thing. it’s funny that your sign is all about balance when the libras i’ve encountered are often very messy. i think the balance i see in libras comes from their abilities even if the results get a little messy. libra’s will do what they have to do, but not the point of a virgo who overworks themselves. libra’s are good at working hard and playing hard. they aren’t afraid to call people out, but may often feel guilty after doing so. i haven’t had a lot of libras in my life, but from those that i have, there’s nothing particular about the sign that rubs me the wrong way. Scorpio: oof. well. scorpio. you really just don’t give a shit what you say, do you? when you’ve had enough, you make it clear. you are a straight shooter and it’s terrifying. i honestly don’t know a lot about your scorpio, because you never really showed yourself. it’s like when you want to talk about your problems, you do, then act like they were never problems, just a topic of conversation. you have a tendency to mold yourself around others so much so that if they don’t conform to your way, then you have no reason to empathize with them. you can often seem heartless, but your emotions are more so in tune with your actions.

Sagittarius: mmMMMmmmm i mean??? i just don’t know. sagittarius, as i’ve known them, just seem confused. they seem stuck in the era most associated with their highest point. if a sag thrived in 2002, then by golly, they are their 2002 self. i don’t even know how to describe it. there’s something mystical about sagittarius to me and i really wish i knew more about sag’s to understand them more. they can be two faced, but not necessarily to be mean, but just to have the comfort of control and knowing that they’re on someone’s good side even at the expense of someone else. could probably do well in business as they are more cutthroat than they show. they’re unexpectedly funny, usually in a vulgar way, but they can also laugh at just about anything. 

Capricorn: you care so so much about how the world perceives you, but i don’t blame you. you have a lot of inner doubt and fear, and you try to compensate by being at the top of the pack. you were born to lead and be that bitch. you truly encompass balance, at least outward balance, but i know you’re messy and silly inside. you’re not the most serious, but you definitely known when it’s business time. you have a tendency to pass your fears off as jokes, but you’re not as transparent as you think. you’re very funny, very theatric, and overall an enjoyable person. even though i’ve grown apart from this person, i think i’ll always remember them and always check in with them. capricorn’s just make you want to care about them.  Aquarius: you just want to be loved. you literally do not know what to do with yourself and all you want is a freaking hug and someone to care. you are emotional and hot headed and you just don’t anything even when you know everything. you don’t really think twice, but when you do, you overanalyze everything. you love when people message you out of nowhere and knowing that you were on someone’s mind. you are super into affection even when you’re not the most affectionate person. you used to be my best friend, and i think of you often. you have a strange attachment to the past like you want to rekindle things you had before while still being true to your present self. you’re interesting, like a mix of pisces and virgo Pisces: it’s me bitch!!!! i’m a pisces, so of course, perfect, looks like linda evangelista, the whole thing. ok no but listen pisces are low-key monsters LOL i’m kidding but let’s be real we can be fucking psychotic sometimes pisces are manipulative, scary, and they will remember (if not anything else) what you were doing June 5th, 2017 at 9:45 p.m. fsldjfkjsd they really are so petty, but we are very selfless, almost to a fault. pisces always put others first, which is a pisces classic line, but it’s true. we’re just those dumb bitches. pisces are extremely witty (wow im big headed) they ingest knowledge just because and when they like something they become it. they will pick up lingo, intonations, jokes, etc. pisces are messy and emotional and they’re most likely always thinking about everything or nothing. there’s never an in between with pisces.

[sojuu]

i woke up crying.

it was such a weird dream but i can’t help but believe that any dream i’m experiencing is truly reality and i end up facing it with the entirety of my existence, not a part of me knowing or even considering the fact that it’s all in my head. i hate it so much. i woke up crying and as it slowly sunk in that i was really just dreaming, i felt such a huge wave of relief like i used up the last of my shitty luck and somehow escaped into an alternate reality. anyone would think i had just dreamed of someone dying or something exceptionally terrible. but it wasn’t anything like that. just heartbreak. so familiar, yet it hurt, stung, and burned like the first time.

it’s been happening for a few days now and it’s something i’ve experienced before. i think somehow it’s a coping mechanism for my brain, which is always ( why do you do this ) thinking of the worst possible scenario for my heart and is trying to run through these enactments of heartbreak in the worst possible manner like some sick therapy or training that would somehow harden my heart and prepare me for the worst...or the inevitable. i’m not sure. i can’t say it’s ever worked though. i am still as vulnerable and fragile and prone to break down.

______________________________

in my first relationship, as i was saying goodbye to him before getting ready to return home from school before my summer internship, i asked him if this was a break or a break-up. his answer?

“whatever makes it easier.”

he looked sad but smiled anyway, the most gentlest i’d ever seen him throughout the entirety of our relationship, which was, in short, abusive. i ran to my friends’ apartment across the street and cried into their arms. they supported me and we watched moana to help me feel a bit better. i returned to my apartment later with puffy eyes, my heart a bit lightened. but i could slowly feel it sinking back into this bottomless sadness as i realized i wouldn’t see them for a bit. i felt alone and helpless, not knowing how i would deal with this emotional burden. i wanted it gone but i didn’t know how to get rid of it. i’m impatient. “it gets better with time” i didn’t want to hear it.

i went off to my summer internship in a new city. travelling and living alone in a new city is incredibly exciting but nerve-wracking. but i can’t deny that it helped to focus on something other than my broken heart. i arrived a bit earlier to move in and settle down, giving me some time to explore at my leisure. my room was small but the bed was set right up against the window, giving me tons of sunlight and an alright view of the city. i would watch the sun rise from the window many times as i either failed to sleep or woke up crying. for months.

_______________________________

it was the same feeling as back then. i had dreams that i thought were real until i woke up and saw the sun of a new city flood the room and greet me, assuring me it wasn’t real. except...it eventually did become real. i dreamed that he left me for another girl, someone i knew and was acquainted with. they were always close friends but it never bothered me because, well, i liked her too. and i trusted him. or wanted to believe i could. towards the end of the year though, i had suspected something was up because he told me to leave him alone so he could focus on his finals and applying to grad school. so i did, because your future and your career are important. i stopped messaging him and didn’t talk to him or see him for a week. the next time i did see him, he was watching netflix and laughing with her. i was furious. am i the crazy girlfriend? he hadn’t talked to me at all that week and yet, here i found him enjoying himself with someone else. ( wow typing this out, i really do sound like the crazy girlfriend lol. but dam, he was so shitty to me i ain’t about to discredit myself and give him anything rn. sorry but 2017 and 2018 me were wasted on u. i deserved better u misogynistic asshole with anger management issues who can’t even take care of yourself. i didn’t deserve being told to break up with you from your mom, being told racist things, how she didn’t like koreans coupled with him telling me his mom just wanted him to have a nice chinese girlfriend. fuck you. o shit i just got so angry so fast lmao. repressed much lol )

they eventually started dating the following school year. he had apparently sought after her throughout the summer and when the new semester began. and to think he had the audacity to ask me to be friends again after ghosting me the entire

different story. different time.

i can’t say my dreams were realistic in the slightest. they were over-dramatic and honestly would never play out in real life like they do in my head. but nevertheless, i had my heart broken tons of times that summer just from my own imagination. and just now, too.

he’s my second one. we’re in a bit of a weird spot but basically, we’re chillin. we did actually date for like a month at the beginning of the school year but...things happened. he’s been working the same job and living in this city for years and i’m about to graduate. basically, if we end up in the same city, we’ll start dating again. but if not, it’s over.

i’ve been feeling really shaky about all this because i hate not knowing exactly where i stand in his life and where he stands in mine. we’re not dating but we’re not just friends, either. and i truly thought i could have a future with this guy. i still do, to some degree. but i feel like it’s too early to be thinking about stuff like that. i gotta graduate and get a job first lol. and i guess you could say the easiest solution to all this is to just find jobs in the same cities, which is basically what we’re doing right now. but i’m kinda having a mental breakdown about my career, what i actually want to do, my chance of even getting a job with all this shit happening, etc...

wow the more i write the more ridiculous i sound to myself. i think since it’s been like an hour since i woke up, my sad feelings have like dissipated or something lmao. idk. i feel better but also like...disappointed in myself? i think i just need a therapist to be honest. i thought i was over all the shit that happened in my previous relationship but clearly not. my brain is sabotaging itself with this weird dreaming heartbreak training again because that’s just the shitty way it works. but that doesn’t mean those two people in my life are the same. am i exhibiting the same behavior because i see similarities between them or because i just don’t know any other way to cope? because they are definitely very different people. it’s just...they both broke my trust. i guess that’s one similarity. did it involve other people? yeah. another similarity. hmm, maybe i’m not that crazy after all. i always feel like i overthink and overreact. and i do. i honestly do and i can acknowledge that. but typing this out, i can see why my brain would return to the same coping mechanism.

i should just end it. if i’m having thoughts about him like this, if my trust in him isn’t what it used to be, then maybe this just ain’t it...is what i’ve been thinking at the back of my head for a while. but am i giving up on something that could be? relationships are hard to make work, even good ones. they require trust and work both ways, i know that. communication, understanding, sympathy, vulnerability...all those things and even more. and yet, i can’t really ask for any of that right now since we’re not even at that point. we’re not dating. we’re just chillin. friends with benefits? maybe. but there are definitely strings attached since we, uh, did actually date at some point. idk. i can still see a future with this guy but maybe not now maybe in like...a few years? when i figure out a better way of handling myself? when i get a therapist? when the rest of my life is a bit more figured out? when this virus isn’t wrecking my motivation, mental state, grades, productivity, etc.?

idk man

i just wanted to write down what i dreamed but it ended up being a rant anyway.

i dreamed that he showed me a song. it was kinda like a love song? and we sang it together. and then he told me was gonna sing it to another girl and had all these things prepared to confess to her. i was confused. i thought we were dating. i thought we were together? was this a different timeline? we had a hangout place. it was shaped like a huge glass bottle but twisted towards the top. i cried and ran into the glass bottle building and up the twirling staircase and sang the song. he followed me and gave me a hug while i was crying. there’s an abandoned shopping cart outside of the building. i don’t know why. he goes back downstairs and leaves. i am devastated and crying and singing the song. and then i wake up.

i don’t even remember what the song sounded like.

i feel more normal now. i really need to take a shit tho.

[kalmeria]

i'm weird about endings so i've been struggling to bring myself to watch the last episode of tgg... but i feel like it's now or never, so here is, for the last time, my not quite liveblogging of the gifted graduation. it's episode 13.

when i thought supot sent pang after ohm i almost forgot to breathe

(i feel like grace will be okay but i'm not a big fan of this alternative either)

whyyy the short version of the intro? wanted to see it one last time...

i'm so happy it's ohm doing this

i was momentarily happy when supot was like "you wouldn't dare" and they went "actually we would". that bit was great

grace is so cool!!! and the music!

the shocked expressions on there faces! pom's chin on the ground, wave squinting at his monitor, their reactions to grace ex machina are so funny

!!!! all those people knew!! the scientists working for supot weren't actually doing what they were told to do!! how wonderful! and he had no idea!!! remember when i said i wanted his arrogance to be his downfall? this is great. bc it's like. one man who wants to do horrible things and he has the power but actually he is overconfident and all those nameless ordinary people working for him just. all decide to not tell him he is mistaken and his plans have been sabotaged. truly wonderful.

boycotting the exam is a pretty good plan imo

the way you could see supot breaking

god pom looks so tired.. i like how this is what we see first after their victory, just how exhausting it had been for all of them (and it's not like it's all over, is it? the world is changing and there are things to be done)

all that talk about the last day of school is making me emotional

i'm sorry but. the chalkboard just has the hearing range of some animals written on it that's so funny

claire rolled her eyes when chanon suggested a revolution why do i find this funny

i like how they still don't all agree on everything. the whole season was about the importance of working together but not once did they say it was simple

not sure how to feel about chanon being framed as the irrational one though

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!grace saying that actually it took decades for her potential to develop and for her to master it!!!!!!!! and that supot's idea that they all have to figure out and reach their limits in high school is bullshit!!!!!! i love this series

so grace is a time traveller trying to derail the dystopic future she's living in from becoming true. i am so here for this.

"do you know that you will become a much nicer guy?" lmaoo (as i've been saying. there's something fundamentally wrong with him (affectionate))

oh i love a hard choice. a problem that has no perfect solutions. a question with no good answer.

almost choked on my tea at the "make everyone the gifted" part. wow. okay. this is big.

this is fucking huge what??!!!? all along. all along it was a lie.

"director supot used to say that superior people try harder than others. in reality, who is superior depends on whether the rule is written in their favor." hello???? this series just keeps on giving. wow.

and of fucking course supot is a hypocrite!!

"i don't want anyone controlling my life, not even you." said to her own future self!!!!!!!! i love this!!!!!

omg namtaan!!!!!

oh. namtaan would have been too op for this story so they had to have her out of the picture. but then they gave the in universe explanation that the bad guy knew this and it was him who sent her away. that's pretty smart and a little bit meta, i like it.

"don't be so disappointed in yourself. don't forget we are just high school students." this is nice :) i like this

when that ending song melody started playing in the background..

once again getting chills from pang's message

the cut to the egg story was a bit abrupt lol

ah but this was so good!!

honestly, i really like this series. it's exciting, it's fun, it might make you cry a few times, and at the end of the day, it's a hopeful story made for teenagers, but not just for teenagers. i think it's for anyone trying to find who they are and who they want to be, regardless of age (see: grace's potential taking decades to fully work). and it's about changing the world, but also says that you might not be able to just. change the whole world. but that's okay. (see: "we are just high school students" and the thing about time)

there's realy just one major problem i had with the series. or rather, it's kind of a small thing but something i really don't like: it's punn's "evil" alter. i don't have the knowledge or experience to talk about this in detail, and it's not like many people will read this, but it's my understanding that the series relied on harmful stereotypes about DID as a plot device and then didn't even bother to really talk about it. punn's other alters were only ever mentioned in his focus episode, and then this season he was the only person who willingly betrayed the group, an act that was shown to be closely related to how his potential works. so yeah, i didn't like that.

that aside though, i don't regret the time and emotional investment i gave to this series.

[theratprince]

idk why i’m so melodramatic

i guess i’m kinda just facing the inevitable? like i guess it hit me last night that i was just falling back on old shitty patterns and i had completely lost control of myself but god. i really tried. i really tried not to be so fucking nuts but honestly? it’s been a long time of being single after an even longer time of making myself miserable just so i wasn’t single. and like, i guess i should just accept that people are going to say whatever they want just so they can get sex. like i don’t get it. like i was totally all for just fucking and that’s what i signed up for and that’s all i needed. and i just really fucking hate that everything was fine until they started saying shit that was way too sweet and i don’t know why i’m such a fucking humongous idiot.

love is actually the worst, most useless emotion. i felt pretty dead inside and i went around just dissociating constantly. and then for a second i felt something and i finally felt okay, and honestly i am trying so hard just to be fine on my own but i just feel like my life is constantly falling apart. i fucking hate my job. i don’t know if i actually have fun anymore. my parents are losing the house. i feel overwhelmed by everything. i’m really depressed. i’m so passive and directionless that i don’t know how to function without someone giving me constant validation. what’s the point?

the next time someone says they love me i’m going to laugh in their fucking face.

i’ve been dying to go to ireland for over a year now. i was just like fuck it i’m going to go travel because i never do anything for myself because i never know what i fucking want and right now i just want to be somewhere else. i’ve never really been the kind of person to pick a direction and, by some miracle, i have held on to this plan for the longest i’ve ever thought of doing anything. and so i’m just praying that it’s actually meaningful, and that i’m not just wasting my time doing something that i hope will make me happy.

and it’s literally the day before my trip -- this trip that has kept me trudging through my miserable existence for so long -- and i’m having a meltdown just because of some fucking person that i can’t even get angry at for being another shitty dude because they’re not a dude so like what criteria can i even use anymore? why do people only ever seem to want to use me?

the last time i traveled anywhere exciting, i was going through a really stupid break up and i let it affect the good time i should have been having and WOW it would be really nice if i could muster up some trademark Libra apathy right now. I should be fucking excited. I should be happy right now, and I’m not and I’m pissed.

So this is my attempt to unpack things and get on a more rational track of thinking. Because the more i try to tamp it down, the more out of control it gets.

I’m angry for a lot of reasons. I’m angry because I feel disappointed. But I am expecting things that I was never promised, and I have to accept that. I let someone get my hopes up and I can only assume it’s because I haven’t been honest with myself in the first place. A long time ago I asked the universe to let me find true love because I have been poisoned by Disney but it’s a dream that I never let go of no matter how angry of a feminist I was or as independent as I forced myself to be. I wanted to fall in love, and it consumed me. I had this dream that I’d somehow find it if I left Kentucky, and I postponed leaving for a long time.

So I got to a point where I was okay. I was depressed a lot, but I had a vacation to look forward to. I had a huge breakdown back in February because I felt so utterly trapped in my situation, so I said fuck it and booked a trip because life will just have to figure out how to go on without me. I still mostly felt nothing, and I felt lonely, and I wished really hard that I could give a shit about something. I worked on trusting people a little more, and tried to trust myself to receive affection. I asked for a reminder of how it felt to be sexual again, how to touch another person, and promised myself that I’d remain in control and wouldn’t let it hold me back. LMAO

So, I guess I find some comfort in knowing that I got what I wanted. And I mostly didn’t lose control. I’m not self harming. I’m in control of my behavior. As much as I hope that this is a sign that I can have some sort of affect on my reality, it seems unfair for some reason. Like, loads of people never “find love” or they do find it and then it ends because it always ends. Life is shitty and then you die. To hope for anything more is selfish.

So that’s where I’m at. Just... being melodramatic.

There’s not even really anything to be upset about. I’ve literally been going back and forth every other day because I can’t deal with having something good. Maybe that’s my problem.

When I was a kid, there were days when my dad would randomly buy me gifts or give me money or praise me for no reason, and then the next day or even the next hour he would turn on a dime. He called me fat and lazy a lot. He would threaten to hide his money so that me and my mom couldn’t buy food. He was under a lot of pressure and worked constantly, and he took his anger out on me because I couldn’t leave.

My first boyfriend lived four hours away in Ohio. I could only see him once a month, but we talked on the phone all the time. He would get jealous of all of my friends, even girls. When I confided that I thought I was bisexual, he was dismissive. He told me he’d hit me if I cheated on him. One time, he dreamt that he walked in on me fucking some rando, and that he shot me. We broke up for a short time, and I had sex with a guy friend, which I told him about at some point when we got back together. In response, he  said a lot of hurtful things and cut off contact completely.

My second boyfriend was twenty-four when I was seventeen. He was interested in someone who could be a full-time slave, and coerced me into trying more than just BDSM. He would constantly compare me to other people. He made me talk about him fucking other people when we were fucking. He tried to coerce me into having a threesome with some ex-girlfriend of his. He would call me stupid and spoiled, and he constantly made me feel like I was nothing. I let him fuck me in a janitor’s closet at the hotel where he worked. I didn’t enjoy it.

My third boyfriend was as passive as my exes were abusive. He was kind, and he did anything I asked him to, but I’m not sure if he cared about me. He never defended me when his friends put me down. When I confided to him about being trans, he skirted around the issue and wouldn’t call me Nolan.

I cheated on him with the person who ended up my fourth boyfriend. He had gay parents and appreciated me no matter how I identified. I don’t know why I broke up with him. Self-sabotage maybe. I still think about him a lot. I don’t know if I was always happy, but I think for the most part I was. I think he deserved better than me.

There was a stretch of time where I fucked a lot of random people. I met them through other friends, or on dating apps. I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t know why I made the effort.

At one point, I dated this married couple. I even babysat their two-year-old once. I think the wife really loved me. I think I loved her too, but as we can see I have a history of not actually believing that people are capable of finding me important. The husband was just trying to get as much pussy as he could. He made a big show of supporting my trans-ness, but when I was blowing him he didn’t think of me that way. He was one of many men who tried to coerce me into participating in orgies. I think I enjoyed it some of the time, but it was abundantly clear that I did not matter to him.

I had another relationship with this trans girl and I think it was one of the few normal relationships I’ve had. I don’t think I was very good to her, but at least we’re still friends.

I’ve already visited this part of myself. I’ve revisited it a lot. I have tried to work past it. I’ve tried to get away from it. It feels like I can’t escape it, and I think perhaps being in the same place that I’ve always been has contributed to this. I’m sleeping in the same room where my dad has yelled at me, where I’ve cried my way through break ups, where I laid awake and wondered if I’d ever actually matter to anyone.

I dunno why I do this to myself. I don’t know why I do this to anyone else.

I guess it’s just particularly disheartening because I thought that I’d done a really great job of moving past it. I used to think I couldn’t survive being single for a year, let alone two. Also a month ago I thought “Wouldn’t it be nice to literally feel anything at all?” and WOW am I eating my words.

I’m really just feeling way too much and I hate it, and I wish I could say I’m hopeful for the future but like... just, fuck it all. I keep waiting for things to change and they just never fucking do. I wish I could blame my completely shit feelings on being hungry or tired or stressed but like? I’ve taken my T-shot, I’m hydrated, I still felt like steaming shit after I had something to eat. I’m literally about to take a trip that I’ve been anticipating for a really heckin’ long time but instead of being overcome with joy, I can’t stop crying?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I let this happen? Why is it like every time I try to stop this from happening, I’m just like “lol it can’t be helped” and let it fucking take over my life?

I guess....... what I’m really trying to say..... is that if I get back from this trip and I don’t have some semblance of clarity and a better sense of direction that I’ll be fucking pissed. Best case scenario: My gut was right all along and I do somehow find true love. Like, trying to be realistic has literally never helped me before so why start now? Yeah, maybe in two weeks time I somehow meet someone or have some magical experience that changes the course of my life forever. Or maybe the universe is chaos and I’ll be forced to live out my existence in this flesh prison until I am suddenly and painfully no longer able to perceive anything at all. Maybe the plane will crash and it will be very tragic but ultimately irrelevant to the grander scheme of things.

Whatever happens, I just hope I never fucking feel this way again because I’m so god damn sick of it.

AND FURTHERMORE I just want to say that I think it’s completely unfair that Chris could be so completely everything I want and to literally read my mind and to look at me with their stupid fucking googly eyes like they actually give a shit lmao who the fuck decided this? i want my god damn money back. love is bullshit the end

[broomswept-thoughts]

Feeling kind of empty again... I didn’t finish my uworld pack because I felt sort of empty and unmotivated/ sad/ tired. Maybe it’s because I went on a walk...? Or the thought of doing a FL tomorrow and the MCAT this weekend makes me really tired and sort of just sad. I feel dead on my feet.

I’m so. Tired. I’m so envious about the people who are going back to Vassar, even though I bet even if I went I would be thinking “Wow I’m envious of people who graduated 2 years ago because they got the last normal graduation” and so on and so on. It’s just hard to stay grateful when a lot of life just seems so gray right now. Maybe it’s also because I’m listening to sad/ depresso songs like “Heather”. 

Alright, changed it to some random lofi thing.

I think I’m also experiencing some kind of body dysphoria (maybe?). I really hate how my body folds over and I feel fat. I know it’s fatphobic but I just hate my body a lot right now. I wish I could exercise more... Maybe I can. I guess I just feel frustrated about exercise and it seems like such a drag/ makes me unhappy. But it’s not like NOT doing exercising is making me happy. But I guess in general I just feel sort of drained as heck. It’s a big drag to even wake up. 

I feel like it’s hard because I have nothing to look forward to. Even org things seem like something I want to just avoid. MSF makes me feel a Little like trash, and JAS always makes me feel a little like that too. I guess it’s my own insecurity about who I am as a leader and as a person, as well as my own expectations. But it cycles back into me procrastinating on more org stuff and just sticking my head into the sand so I don’t hear anything or anyone. Even for research stuff.

I don’t know... Not many things are making me happy right now. I feel like maybe I’m self-sabotaging my own sense of happiness and fulfillment though. And that’s making me feel like everything’s just obligations... Ugh.

I think mashups and art make me happy. Ukulele makes me happy. I think things that are not related to anything serious that I think about make me happy. So that’s why tumblr makes me happy (?) or at least not stressed/ uncomfortable/ anxious/ depressed. JAS, MSF both make me feel like I’m going to hammer a nail through my hands or stomach. 

I don’t know... It’s the opposite of being overwhelmed. But it’s more of a dread to go back to doing org things. I always just don’t feel good enough. But maybe it’s because I think that by doing more, I can ingratiate myself to the org. It’s not bad to do my best for the org and the people in it, but I think I do it out of fear of rejection/ seeming like a bad person. :/ Maybe it’s my general depression, but neither things are ~passionate ~ interests in my head right now. Nothing really is hitting that to be honest. I think I’ve really shut down orchestra and flute music stuff in my head too. At least not until I can start lessons.

I hate the MCAT so much. I feel like my life has literally drained away into nothing outside of this test. I wonder if I could do this for the rest of my life... just taking more and more examinations forever until retirement. Is it all worth it if you save lives...? But these tests (or at least the MCAT) feel arbitrary. I wonder why there are so many ridiculous hoops to leap through for a job made to help others... But there are probably systematic injustice issues at historical play here.

Anyway... I think I’m also bitter, because I don’t even have anything to look forward to after the MCAT. I can’t even go back to Vassar lol. I mean, I like mashups and the ukulele but... Nothing special? 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s middle class privilege to be so expectant of something stupid like that. Like a “reward” for trying my best. 

I feel that just in general there isn’t anything to look forward to, at least not about college. I wonder if all I can look forward to is graduation at this point; at least then I can move and start my life outside of this house... I think even though I’m cognizant of how I often replace things to avoid pain, I still do have a sense of liking and wanting to explore new places. Which is obvious not possible now. And who knows how possible it is next year... But movement of ANY kind would be preferably at this point. It all feels stationary and dead now. I can’t even imagine the end; I feel like I’m just going to be stuck here until I turn 25 or something. Which I guess was sort of my post-bacc plan anyway if I can save money more that way... But maybe it would save more money if I leave? Ugh I also need to get a job and save up somehow... God...

I wish I could have something to look forward to. But I want something more concrete, since disappointment tends to hurt a lot for me. So I won’t expect to be able to go back in the spring, or even if I did, that things would even be that good anyway. I think instead I’m just going to look forward to actions that I myself am more likely to do, like work at a new job or do research. 

Sigh.

I don’t know, I’d like to be free. I just feel trapped a bit.

[yooneeklymade]

The NOW...it’s here, so claim it!

I’m currently reading “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life”  by Jen Sincero.  In chapter 3 I read the most factual and inspirational passage ever.  I quote, “All the stuff we’re so worried about creating and fixated on becoming is already here, right now.  The money you want already exists; the person you want to meet is already alive; the experience you want to have is available, now; the idea for that brilliant song you want to write is here, now, waiting for you to download the information. The knowledge and insight and joy and connection and love are all wagging their hands in your face, trying to get your attention.   The life you want is right here, right now.”  Wow…did you get goose bumps reading that as well?  It’s very common that we postpone our goals and aspirations simply because now is not the right time or we don’t have the available resources or we need to get a few more things in order. Stop!  You are sabotaging your dreams and goals. I do this all the time. I find excuses all the time as to why I can’t go after my dreams or go to the gym lol. Everything you need already exists. In this moment, right now, you need to realize and believe that you have the capability to do whatever your heart desires. Your success depends on your efforts and hard work that you put into it, so don’t worry about failing.  If you have been thinking about starting your own business, do it. If you have been wanting to go back to school, do it.  The only thing stopping you IS YOU. You wonder how all of these people are out there making moves and doing things that you “wish” you could do, it’s because they went after their dreams.  They made a dream reality and now they are bigger than ever.  Believe me when I say they started just like you. Wondering “if” and “when”, but now they are saying they’re happy they did when they did.  Stop letting your fears get in the way of you accomplishing your dreams.  All that you want to have, and be is waiting for you, right NOW, in this moment.  Get off your butt and make it happen.  Claim your success today!

xoxoxo Love Bugs xoxoxo