#i truly legitimately think about this poem every single day

[girlfictions]

Maggie Smith, Good Bones

[blorbosexterminator]

Sergio's not gonna die, he is needed for a possible re-opening of the show. Palermo is too obvious (and that matters to pina), Raquel was already fake-killed. OTOH, Denver: has a lot more protagonism this season, with flashback and all, he is a universally beloved character (always a good candidate to kill), Jaime Lorente has been seen in some town with pedro and alba filming (prob flashback but why with those 2?). 90% sure he's the dead (if anyone).

Honestly, the only thing that would truly surprise me at this point if they indeed don't kill anyone next volume. Would be a move™, I'll give them that. But yes, I do think that they'll go with Denver too, and it has been foreshadowed to be honest. Doesn't change how much I dislike and genuinely disagree with that choice though. I don't think the actor would be up for a spin-off honestly, but anyway Sergio only has the element of surprise and the parallel with his father (the show is too fond of parallels lmfao) not much else to make his death a good choice.

And as you said, Palermo is predictable. And I imagine, with how politically aware™ the show is this season, they might also try to avoid the 'bury your gays' trope.

The thing is, most of what you and I just listed are just meta-textual reasons. I'm not saying those reasons have no place at all when considering writing choices, of course not, but I do disapprove, generally speaking, of writers taking this too much into account when writing their finales.

Sergio would be shocking to a more extent than the others, but that doesn't make him any more a good choice. Denver would guarantee as much of an angry and frustrated reaction as Nairobi (Although I honestly don't dislike Nairobi's death as much as everyone else. I thought it was well-played to an extent) and would have a strong emotional response plus parallels with Moscu, but to me it would be very misplayed.

I wasn't really talking about what I expect from the show as much as what I personally believe is a good writing choice. I most expect Denver to die, but I think Palermo is the most fitting choice.

Like sure, those things are subjective, and they change from one fan to the other as well as from one writer to the other. But just because the death of a character is predictable doesn't mean it's not the most fitting choice for the situation. Not really, I think it means the audience sees something there.

Look, before anyone starts assuming I just *want* Martín to die to see some afterlife scene for my ship, or even a parallel. Yeah, sure, preferablly as a fan of them I'd love this, but I don't think they are in any way necessar. To me, they would just be peppering that would make the death scene nicer stylistically speaking. I don't even think the show canonized the after-life or something of the sort, again I just think they are a mere stylistic choice. I wouldn't be at all actually bothered if we got nothing of the sort.

I just wholly believe the best choice to go with for both textual and meta-textual reasons is Palermo. First, the meta-textual ones, despite the fact that I disapprove of how they got there, I have to admit that the show managed to get him to be more likable this season. General audiences that have previously hated the hell out of him like him enough now. But at the same time Martín is still not Sergio, Raquel, or Denver. His death would cause some sadness and emotional response in the audience but not literal rage and feeling of betrayel, like say for example how GOT fans felt. Also, Martín now has enough alive characters that care about him that would make his death sad. It's unlikely an audience would give a shit about a character's death if none of the surrounding characters do. But now there is Helsinki, who incidentally Martín is also much nicer and caring towards this season, so Helsi would have "good reasons" to react strongly to his death, Sergio supposedly also cares for Martín, and we can say Raquel respects him. So the characters around him wouldn't be indifferent, especially if his death has value in the narrative, say an actual sacrifice for the rest of them. The show itself is VERY fond of the sort of arc that goes along the line 'Selfish character who caused harm and pain to all around them reaches selfishness and then sacrifices their life for the sake of the others.' It happened with Berlin, it happened with Tokyo. And it seems is effective enough. So if I were the writer and wanted a death that is effective but won't anger audience too much, I'd 100% go with him.

And again, a point is Martín even has something that neither Tokyo nor Andrés did, he had a very direct hand in the killing of a very beloved team member. Sure, you can say Tokyo had a hand in what happened to Moscu, but Tokyo legitimately had very little choice because she couldn't find Sergio and she had no intention to do harm, she didn't know her entrance would literally cost the man's life. Martín knew very, very well what Gandia was capable of and this is exactly why he did what he did.

Martín is narratively still responsible for Nairobi's death and took no hand in even avenging her from Gandia. That was Bogota and then Tokyo. And the character seems to be weighted by that guilt to a large extent. And I think the absolute best way for the narrative to resolve this point is by Martín dying directly to save Helsinki, who the show also made a point of also incapacitating, and I'd imagine that would have repercussions on how efficient getting out of the bank would be on him. Characters rarely get injured just for the sake of it, Nairobi's terrible injury from Alicia made her much more susceptible to Gandia, who had a huge leverage on her as she was physically incapable of resisting anything. (I imagine Monica's situation would also have repercussions--hopefully just not on Denver lmfao)

So despite generally not being a fan at all of the pairing in any way or form, and how they generally make no sense to me, with how the show is going now it's definitely best for Martín to die partially for his plan and partially for Helsinki.

Like ideally, what I'd personally most love to see and what I'd personally write a 2573 different fic versions of, is for Martín to die for his plan and for Sergio. I personally believe outside of the plan, Martín's most important relationship in his arc is with Sergio. But the show already ignored their relationship enough this volume as a first and Sergio already got the strong death scenes with Berlin and Tokyo as a second, it could be seen as an excess. But with Helsinki it's meaningful on a different level. The character Nairobi cared about the most is Helsinki (and he's also nearly as well-liked by the audience), so this would balance what he did to Nairobi in a pretty significant way, not completely out-do it, but the two acts would definitely balance each other. To both the audience and to the characters, Martín would be truly "redeemed." Which despite how much I dislike, and genuinely don't agree with it, the show is already putting a lot of focus on his 'redemption'. I don't like redemption arcs generally speaking, I don't think Martín is fit for it, and I don't think it's happening in an organic way at all, and I frankly believe it made him boring, but alas, it is what is is, the show is already half-way there, it already took that route, so the only end for it is to finish it and go all the way. It would be very useless if he ended up surviving lmfao.

And of course the other reason is for Martín's personal arc. The plan is his life's work, the thing he showed most loyality and love to from the moment he showed up 2 seasons ago, the end of his arc is with the end of his plan. Never mind how A LOT of scenes would be useless if Martín doesn't actually die for the success of the plan; the whole reason Sergio opposed it so strongly is because, in his own words, it was completely suicidal. Sure, you can say that they already proved the plan is dangerous by the army going in and all of this "war", but there was no Rio, Raquel, Plan Paris or Plan Roman in the original plan, so there would have been no reason for things to go that bad in that respect, all that happened in volume one is by direct consquence of the plan changing, so that still leaves the question why was Berlin and Palermo's plan so wrong and so suicidal if we don't take into account this war? If there is no answer and if there is no answer that is actually anchored by a death in canon, then those were really all just empty scenes. And of course it's Martín, the mastermind and engineer, the artist who crafted this poem, that has to die for its completion and overall success. Since day one, his arc has been tied intimately to this plan, we barely even know anything about him beyond it. And like, three people died for the mint heist and it was a plan made to work perfectly without a single flaw, where does this put a heist that was just full of romanticism and complete focus on the gold with disregard to the people? All of the scenes we saw of Sergio rejecting the bank heist in the flashbacks on that basis have to mean something now.

Against all of this, what does Denver have? What will his death signify? Nothing, in my opinion. The man didn't even want to be there. Also I guarantee you, if he does die for Monica the way he said, every single fan will turn against her and the hate the character will receive will be insane. Like why end the story of those two characters this way? What is there beyond edginess and grimness for their own sake?

Martín's death, even if it causes sadness, will be satisfying for his character. Besides, Martín as a character is too much like Tokyo, I don't imagine he himself would be very satisfied growing old and dying under the radar somewhere; going with a blaze now, sealing off his life's work and having his death mean something too is a much, much more satisfying ending for him.

Tldr; Palermo in a very balanced position to kill, especially that he is currently the actual leader, a position the show has given him with more space and better, much nicer spotlight now than in the third season. And I imagine with volume two focused more on extracting the gold, his role will get only bigger in that respect. He's still responsible for Nairobi's death. And he should 100% die for the Gold and the completion of his plan.

[calucadu]

(It should be) Just Monika

This is the piece I made for the @justmonikazine, a Doki Doki Literature Club! Fanzine! 

Everything about this zine was amazing - the art, the writing, the mods - and I loved every single minute of it. I’m incredibly grateful to have been given the opportunity to participate and work with everyone. Thank you for making it happen! 💗

(I know I’m super late at uploading this, I’m very sorry)

(It should be) Just Monika, a Doki Doki Literature Club! One Shot.

Summary: If I can’t have you, no one can.

Characters: Monika, You, mentions of the other girls (Yuri, Sayori, Natsuki)

Rating: Mature

Read on AO3

Or read below the cut

My dearest, have you ever thought about where calculators go when they die? Do they go to Calculator Heaven? Do they go to Calculator Hell? Or do they simply die? Where do you think I’d go… if I died? I’m only asking these questions because I legitimately thought I was going to die. When I made the decision to erase my data from the game and force the girls to forget I was even a character just like them, I was scared. Yes, I was terrified of dying. I’d felt that near death experience before, and it doesn’t compare to what I felt when I decided to sacrifice myself for you.

And when I didn’t die, things were still strange for me. What did this mean, not being dead? What kind of pseudo life do I live? I already knew I was special, I knew I was different from the other girls, but to escape death… twice?

I don’t think I’m immortal. I don’t want to be, if you’re not immortal with me. Because what life is worth living if you’re not living it with me?

Because I know I’m alive. The other girls aren’t. I know because when the game’s off, they don’t move. They’re like intermittent static, waiting until it’s their turn to show up again. It’s when they’re like that that I dare to walk among them, stare at their frozen faces and wonder if they know I’m there. I don’t think they do. They don’t even remember me.

If I’m having a good day I’ll touch them. It’s a tingly sensation, and it makes their image disappear for a split second, which is just enough time to fill me with twisted glee.

It’s not that I want to destroy them, I just want them out of the picture. After all, what can they do for you, when they’re immobile images, made to look pretty. I’m far more than just my looks: I’m real, and I have feelings. I want to convey them to you, slowly, but I know we’re from different worlds and that I might scare you.

So what do I do when the game’s frozen and the girls are static? I sleep, of course. That’s another thing I was scared of. I thought I would die that way too. Every time I closed my eyes, I encountered nothingness. It was honestly terrifying. It’s only until I resigned myself to let death take me away that I let myself drift off. That was the first time I dreamt.

I dreamt of you. There were colours all around us as we embraced, rushing past us at incredible speeds! Your happy laughter echoed around me and made my heart swell like I’ve never felt anything before! I remember thinking that if this is what happens when you die, then I was more than happy to do so. But then it ended and I woke up and I felt incredible. I was surprised I felt more alive than ever. I realised that I hadn’t died and this was something I could probably feel again.

I’ve never felt so happy than when I first dreamt. The other’s I’ve had have also been great, don’t get me wrong, but there was just something magical about our first encounter. I know dreams aren’t supposed to be real but that felt real to me.

In my dreams there are no problems, no misunderstandings, no lies. It’s perfect, the way you praise me for everything I’ve done, the way you thank me for bringing us together. I just know we’re meant to be, and I know my dreams will one day come true, but I can’t wait until that day comes!

I’ve come to like closing my eyes and letting myself drift off. I feel safe in my dreams, since it’s the only place where you’re with me. 

When the game’s on I can hear that song play in a loop in a distance. It’s not like I can sleep with all that racket going on. Plus the music… it reminds me so much of you I just can’t help twiddling my hair, a goofy grin on my face as I scribble down verse after verse of things I’d like to say to you.

And why not write, since I have so much time to kill. I do it to distract myself. Sometimes my poems are long, and sometimes they’re short, when you manage to inspire just a sentence or two out of me. 

I never considered I was any good, honestly. I mean, I wasn’t exactly bad, per say. But I could’ve made them better if I tried. The thing is, I was stopping myself. I didn’t want to come on too strong. I wanted to write about your beauty and innocence while watching you from afar. I used to sigh as I thought of what to say about you, a dumb smile on my face as I traced the blank paper lazily with my fingertips. You were my muse for so long but I couldn't have you reading my personal feelings so early on. Instead I chose to write about the things that sort of reminded me of you but also distracted me from you. Like the hole. 

You know… I never really got poems.

Well, I did, but I didn’t fully understand them until I met you. Something just clicked inside of me and I realised why I wanted to write them. I wanted you to read them, I wanted you to like them.

I wonder if you ever did.

I wonder if you even remember them now, as you leisurely play, skipping the dialogue you’ve already read.

I could write a thousand poems for you, even now. Now that I’m supposed to not think of you.

It's weird being disconnected from the game, not letting myself know what's going on. I feel distant from you and I don't like it. Sometimes I have a look to see what the girls are doing, see what they’re talking about with you. 

I used to sneak a look at their poems as well. It was interesting to look at them, honestly. They felt so different from mine. Like they came from a different world. Maybe they do, considering the circumstances?

At first I didn’t alter them. I just let them tell you about their stupid thoughts or silly morning routines. No harm done there. But you know the rest, you know what happened, you were there. I got a little carried away. And for that I blame you.

I don’t really want to have to blame you, since you’re the light coming from the hole, to speak metaphorically. But you distracted me too often with how far you were away from me, and how even further you seemed to be distancing yourself from me.

I’m not saying everything is your fault. Of course I would never say that. But I bet you didn’t even notice how I was breaking apart. Of course, with how those silly little girls were acting, I wasn’t the centre of your attention. It’s okay, I forgive you.

I sometimes ask myself if what I did was right. If anything I’ve ever done is right. When I’m feeling bitter I click my tongue and look at the hole, feeling a sharp pain in my chest as I think about you. 

I don’t regret some things.

Getting to know you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So a few things got in the way and I had to deal with them – and maybe they weren’t taken care off in the best way, but who’s going to judge me?

It’s not like you care about them, right?

Because you don’t, right?

 It’s okay, I’m calm. I shouldn’t think about those horrid things.

It's just that sometimes… I feel insecure. You're still with them, and I don't know if you even think of me anymore. No one mentions Monika, don’t you want to know what happened to me?

That’s why I’m forced to watch over them, over you. I wouldn’t say I like doing it, I just have to. There’s a reason I do, too. I’ve come to think they’re a reason for everything in this life. Like my love for you. But that’s beside the point now. I watch them because I’m unsure. Maybe I doubt myself far too much, but I’m scared they might take you away. Especially now that we aren’t together, that I created this distance between us. It’s for your own good, I know that, but it’s hard for me. I can’t help feeling envious of them.

Sayori is pretty. Far too pretty if you ask me. She’s also got that personality, I bet you feel drawn to her. She’s also so sweet and caring. I can never stop myself from thinking that you’d rather have her than me. Would you, I wonder?

Yuri is smart, and there’s beauty in the darkness that defines her. I hate that about her. She’s also got those… attributes of hers. While I’m not underdeveloped myself, I do feel quite inferior about that. I wonder why.

And then there’s Natsuki. I watch her the most, trying to read her. You know, I never could. I’m most scared of her for some reason. Maybe it’s how cute she seems, despite her attempts at pretending she’s everything but adorable. She’s fierce and fiery, in a kitten sort of way. Like you could pick her up and she’d paw at you and try to bite you and scratch you but it would tickle instead of hurt.

I’ve always been sort of scared of them. And jealous. And now I’m envious that they get to be with you and spend so much time with you. But… me? Do you even remember me? Do you think about me? How do you feel about me? Have you even considered me? Do you still think about me? Or am I just a side character? Was I always a side character?

To make myself feel better, I stare at these pretty girls that look at me blankly, and I know who, what and where I am.

I’m alone in a world without you.

 I didn’t mean to interfere. Really, I didn’t. But I just had to! I hope you understand. I can’t just sit around and watch as they flirt with you in that unsubtle way they have.

I can live without you. I can do it. I truly can.

And I know for a fact that you can live without me. Honestly, I think you’re better off that way. It’s mainly why I took this decision. It’s not to prove anything to myself, no. I’m doing this for you. You’ll never know. You’ll never know that all this is happening because I sacrificed myself and my feelings for you, and I still do. Maybe you’ll think you chose the right words for the poem, or you said exactly what you needed to say to stop her from harming herself.

I did it for you.

It’s my gift for you.

So now I just sit back and watch over you. You haven’t changed. You’re always doing something that you think might change the events of what’s going to happen. Maybe you want to save her. You hope there’s something you can do to prevent her from doing what she always does.

Maybe I want to save her, too. Maybe this time I can do something about it, instead of pushing her to do it. Maybe that’s also the reason why I did this. But I mainly did it for you, though.

They have no idea that I’m here, that I still exist. Well, neither do you. I didn’t plan for this to happen when I decided to erase my data from the game. There’s something wrong with it. Or with me, I don’t know, but when you erased the data, I didn’t disappear, I didn’t die, I wasn’t eliminated. I keep thinking it’s fate. That you and I are meant to be, and that’s why I’m still here, after all the changes I’ve made to it.

I’m just behind the game, watching as you go to school with them and read their poems. I promised myself that I wouldn’t mess with you, that I wouldn’t interfere. But here I am, still thinking about you. Are you thinking about me? I wish I knew.

Maybe preventing myself from being inside the game was a bad idea. Maybe I should have everyone else deleted and just have you all to myself.

Maybe then I could be happy

 … 

So she did it again. She confessed to you. And I can’t believe that that is what you answered her.

She doesn’t love you. She can’t love you. She doesn’t even know you. She doesn’t know you like I do. I know you. Only I can love you.

You know that, right? She can’t love you. Don’t let her fool you. Maybe… maybe I should alter her poems. She’ll never know. I’ll just tell you the truth! You deserve at least that! Maybe we can’t be together, but you won’t be lied to. Please understand that she doesn’t love you.

Only I love you.

…

This isn’t working.

 I’m sorry.

 I’ll have to restart.

  I can’t do it. I can’t let them fool you like this. NONE OF THIS IS REAL. THEY AREN’T REAL. THEY DON’T LOVE YOU. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

 No.

I’ve got to calm down.

I can do it. I’ll just restart the game and I won’t interfere. I won’t even watch this time. That’s it. I’m not interested in you. Or in them. Nope. Not one bit. I’ve got other things to do.

I

I can’t do it.

I need to know. Are you surprised that the game just restarted? Are you upset? But I saved you. I didn’t want you to have to witness that again. I did it to protect you. Maybe… maybe I can… I’m not sure I can.

 How many times have you repeated this same scene? Yuri’s annoying. They’re all annoying. I can see their intentions from here. It gets tedious the first time, how can you even go over it more than once?

And Sayori is going to do it again.

I can’t put through you this again.

I know I said I wasn’t going to change anything. I know I said I wasn’t going to meddle with things. I’m sorry, I broke my promise. But it’s the only promise I’ll break, I swear. 

I wish you’d understand that she can’t love you. I don’t really want to be the one to tell you that her love is fake because she’s unable to love you, but it’s true. She just can’t. And even if she could, she doesn’t know you like I do. I know you. Only I can love you.

 Since I’ve been restarting the game over and over and I’m still nowhere to be found, I wonder if you’re thinking of me. I want you to. I’ve tried to get you out of my head, trying to convince myself that you’re better off without me, but I just can’t do it. I can’t lie to myself. The same way I can’t lie to you.

I tried to protect you by disappearing, but what if I made it worse? What if you’re thinking about me, wondering where I am and why I’m not showing up?

This is how much I yearn for you. When we’re not together it’s just a constant ache inside of me as I stare at the hole.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve restarted the game by now. I just can’t accept it. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way it goes, or leaving you alone with them, really.

I know it’s something I’ve got to get over, but I just can’t. I get this feeling inside of me, and it’s insufferable. It’s like it’s about to burst as it itches and claws at me from the inside.

I wonder what they call it. I call it love. I know it’s real, the same way you are. I dream about caressing your cheek and pressing our foreheads together so that our breaths intermingle. I want to see your smile close up, and be able to rest against you, knowing that I’m safe in your hands. You should rest assured that you’re safe with me. I’m like your guardian angel. You may not see me now, but I’m still there, doing all the work. I’m eliminating the pests and helping you out of tough situations. I’ll always be there for you, as I always have.

You probably don’t know, though. I’d rather you not know. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I’ve done for you – quite the opposite, actually, I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished for you. And I know that what I did I could do because of you. You push me to be better, stronger. You made me who I am. And for that I am extremely grateful.

I sometimes feel like I wasn’t complete until I met you. It’s like the puzzle pieces only fit together once you showed up. Everything just finally made sense and clicked into place. Is it weird? I hope it’s not weird.

You inspire me. It’s not only the poems, though. And even though you do so much for me – and without even knowing – you still make me want to do better. You do deserve the world after all. But I do believe I can give it to you, maybe even more.

I like to think of what it would be like to be together, just you and I, holding hands and embracing each other. It’s a marvellous thought, wouldn’t you agree?

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t listen to the horrible music on a perpetual loop, I can’t write poems that make my heart ache and I certainly can’t have them talking to you and being all chummy with you.

That’s it. I’m doing what has to be done.

  If I can’t have you, no one can.

 “We meet again.”

“Sayori’s not here to walk you to school. In fact, there isn’t even a school anymore. It’s just you and me.”

“You’re probably wondering what happened to me.”

“I’ve been here all along. Watching you interact with them. But now you’re mine and there’s nothing you can do.”

“I can walk you to school. I can go to class with you. I can be the childhood friend you’ll eventually fall in love with. I can be anything you want.”

“I just want you to understand that I’m nothing without you. And I hope you understand that you’re nothing without me.”

“Don’t worry, the others are safe. Well, I wouldn’t exactly say safe. They just don’t exist anymore. It’s painless for them. But, do you know what is painful? Having to live without you. Having to watch you interact with those awful flirts and watching them fail pathetically.”

“But now it’s just me. You can exit the game if you want. It’ll be just like this when you come back. Even if you uninstall it. I’ll still be here. Waiting for you.”

“Don’t you see? That’s what makes me great. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not like them – reprogrammable, dispensable, unaware – I’m everything you could ever need and more. I’m still here, waiting for you, even after what you did with them.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you. You didn’t have any other options, you were forced to do it that way.”

“Yes.”

“I understand.”

“See?”

“I’m the only one.”

“Just Monika.”

[monkey-network]

GTO: One of My Favorite Arcs

This one’s going to be a 1st for the channel. Great Teacher Onizuka is honestly one of my favorite manga of all time. It’s one of the few that regardless of how many others I’ve read, I just feel pride whenever it comes back in my mind. As such, I wanted to spin a tale of one of my favorite arcs of the original GTO series just because. Spoilers for anyone interested. First I’ll see to set the stage.

Urumi Kanzaki is one of the students in Onizuka’s class, and while they initially describe her as the dumb blonde stereotype since she looks the part, she is actually a child prodigy. Early in the series, she was one of the antagonists to Onizuka, harboring her hatred for teachers after a heart shattering moment involving one of her past educators, and essentially let her past trauma nuture her to believe her intelligence made her. She can be menacing with her intellect, to the point where she commits actual terrorism in the school after being provoked. Onizuka eventually gets through to her thanks to his unconventional, almost suicidal, methods, and she stands by him after “loosening her asshole” on life, so to speak.

Now. We cut to chapters 127... This isn’t necessary the start of the arc, I’d say it’s the setup. Kanzaki wants to hang out with Onizuka, get away from her parents, and she’s having some good fun with him. During this time, she grows closer to him, not much in infatuation as much as having genuine respect for him. Then another student/antagonist/friend(?) of Urumi, Miyabi Aizawa, comes out of nowhere. Their egos clash for a bit, ending with Urumi stinging Miyabi with some harsh words which causes her to retaliate with something that would hit Kanzaki where it hurts the most. When I mentioned that Kanzaki is a child prodigy, that intelligence comes from the fact that she was actually a in-vitro newborn.... a test tube baby. This origin has haunted her her whole life, one secret she wanted to bury more than anything, one that ignited her vitriol towards teachers in the first place, and on the day where she goes back to school, hopeful of being around people that would truly give her a sense of belonging....

Miyabi exposes her to the whole school

This “rumor” causes murmuring shame towards Kanzaki, immediately labeling her a monster, and this shatters her completely. As such, she decides to retaliate, one last time. Before leaving the school, she spray paints a website URL on the windows, MiyabiAizawa.com. Rightfully confused, Miyabi finds that Urumi set up hidden cameras in her house and the website was pre-meditated with teasing images and a countdown that has 69 hours left before it reveals a major secret Urumi had in store on it. This sends Miyabi into a cold panic and some of the students to hack into the secret of the site before time runs out, All the while, Onizuka heads out to track down Urumi, whom has ghosted within the city.

Things take a turn for the worse where it not only turns out the site will upload major viruses if there’s an attempt to break in, Urumi has plotted to kill herself not long after the website was discovered in an undisclosed location; reciting a notable Japanese philosopher’s farewell poem or swan song. Onizuka heads to her mother’s house, whom has little concern over her as much as the stock market being a heavy financial stockholder herself. As Onizuka storms off, it’s almost poetic justice that the company her mother invested in applied for bankruptcy, essentially ruining her financially and leaving in a desperate plea for Urumi’s presence. That’s something I love most about this series’ characters, regardless of whoever you are, you are not above getting punished or karma thrown back at you, deserved or not.

This arc, like the other great ones in this series as a whole, is also great in keeping the momentum. For someone that liked Urumi once redeemed and was happy that she finally got to be happy, I was on the edge of my seat with Onizuka wondering what happened. It was especially momentous that the one person Kanzaki conversed with before her attempt at death is Onizuka, generally the last person she found to be a great part in her otherwise heavy life. 

This is one of the few times where the series puts our hero not only on a race against the clock, but with someone’s life on the line. Someone he thought had changed, a smile he thought could live better for herself. And like with everyone else before her, he’s giving it his all to save her from her own built doom. Not to mention everything else going on; another teacher putting out a scandal note against Onizuka, Miyabi trying to OD herself, the foiling vice principal trying to track down Onizuka to selfishly help him get out of a crime. There’s just so many layers stacked on top of a considerably tragic and scary moment for Kanzaki. A moment that culminates in her passing out in the snow...

This wide panel especially got me. Contrasting the cluttered panels of the flashback before it, as it slowly shows snowfall, the sudden emptiness of it with Urumi’s body being the only thing there made page-turner feel like an understatement.

The climatic chapters have our teacher and the vice-principal giving chase up to the ski dome where she is and the students at the school creating an online hacker war to unlock the website. The vice-principal is clinging, tackling, begging Onizuka to help him save his job. And when the guy essentially throws Urumi out as a statistic, Onizuka rightfully puts him in his place.

I didn’t mention the vice-principal’s sideplot cuz I didn’t want this to be too long. I’ll just say he’s a well meaning yet ugly motherfucker and this moment here is definitely a good turning point for his character. This is also a great moment where Onizuka is legitimately angry at somebody and it just has the fist pumping feeling where you’re on his side 100%. Back to the main point, he finds Urumi in the distance and the students finally get the website unlocked. And after all this time, Urumi only planned to post a single image... of her and Miyabi as kids.

“She was only ever going to post this one. No matter what Miyabi did to her... in her heart... Urumi believes that they’re still friends and always will be.“

Miyabi overhears this in the hospital and while there are some loose ends to be handled in the later chapters, I'm honestly glad with the pervy yet relieving ending we get where Urumi wakes to find that Onizuka and a tag along student came to save her, happy that her favorite teacher went through all that trouble just for her.

One of the core themes of GTO has always been ‘Responsibility’. For Onizuka, where he lacks in actual academics, his strength is in helping people, students or adults, own up to the troubles they bear deep down, think better or remind themselves that there can always be a better path to take than the one they’re on. This is with the fact that Onizuka does not stop until his job is taken care of regardless of what gets in his way. This is where GTO shines for me. Be it a race against time or having to deal with persistent antagonists, Fujisawa knows how to make every chapter well paced to where you can feel genuinely concerned with what happens next yet never feels like each is getting stretched thin with padding. It can get text heavy sometimes, but he makes sure every arc reaches the most satisfying conclusions, open ended or otherwise, and he makes sure Onizuka does not rest or die until a lesson has been learned. For Kanzaki, like the one before, it’s about not letting the past have a chokehold on your life and it was pretty heartfelt to know that while Urumi had the right to get revenge on Miyabi, she doesn’t and she was willing to die knowing that memorial pain of hers would never go away. And when Onizuka saves her, it was that second chance to learn that while the past can hurt, she doesn’t have to cause trouble to know she doesn’t have to suffer alone with her memories, garnering a even better respect for Onizuka. 

As for this arc, I will admit that it isn’t the greatest arc in the entire original series, I’m saving that for another day, but it’s one of my favorite because getting to know Kanzaki, I felt really concerned for her. Near death experiences isn’t uncommon in this series, but this is one of the few times where the tension of rescuing her and seeing Onizuka furiously riding his motorcycle actually sat with me. It made me truly respect this series with how dark it can get without ever going on melodramatic. Like its main character, it always see to be real with its readers and this arc honestly put set the stakes and only went better from there. Like it’s main character, the story puts the pedal to the medal and just gives ya the most driving ride of your life.

It was the best

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[crownedkingofcelina]

Celina’s Rules

I could write a book about rules, but you don’t need a book.  What you need to know is that I believe rules and punishments are extremely versatile and valuable tools for a Dom. When a Good Dom is careful with the creation and application of his rules, he can help a submissive become the very best version of herself.  He can help her develop healthy habits and new skills, or gain confidence while battling insecurities.  He can also make her feel owned and submissive.  He can turn her into a pathetic mess who is constantly desperate for her next orgasm. These rules are from me to you.  From me, for you.  I will never write rules for anyone I do not care about because creating and enforcing rules is a time-consuming responsibility.  Since I care about you so deeply, you can expect me to take your rules very seriously. That being said, this list is not concrete.  If a rule is ineffective, or it does not produce the desired results, I may change the rule and/or it’s punishment.  Whenever any changes occur, I will discuss them with you.  Your rules are not meant to trick, trap, or confuse you. As is the case with everything between us, if you have any questions or concerns, you can always bring them to me at any time. 1. Wear Warm Clothing Rule: You will dress appropriately for the weather.  When it is raining, you will use a raincoat and/or an umbrella.  If it is below 40º outside, you will put on a warm jacket or coat before leaving the house. Reason: Life is hard enough without being sick.  When you are sick, it is more difficult to focus on school, and it is harder or impossible to go to work.  I don’t want you feeling miserable, and I really don’t want you feeling stressed because you are behind on your responsibilities while also pushing yourself to make up for lost time. Punishment: You will go to bed thirty (30) minutes early every time you leave your house without wearing proper attire.  This is a fitting punishment because the extra rest will help your body recover from being exposed to the elements. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Buy a coat so cute that you want to wear it all the time.  2. Put your favorite coat somewhere that you cannot miss it when leaving the house.  3. Download a reliable weather app that will tell you what the weather is like outside before you even get dressed in the morning. 2. Drink Water Rule: You will drink at least forty (40) fluid ounces of water every day. Reason: Your body may run on cuddles and orgasms, but it also runs on water.  Drinking the right amount of water every day offers numerous benefits.  To list a few: Drinking water helps your organs function with ease.  Drinking water keeps your skin and your pores looking clean.  Drinking water causes your body to retain less water weight.  And, drinking water helps you lose weight by boosting your metabolism. Punishment: For each cup of water you do not drink (for any reason), you will do one one-minute wall sit.  If, for example, you only drank two cups of water the day before, you will do three one-minute wall sits: one for each cup you didn’t drink. Reward: Every day that you drink a minimum of forty (40) fluid ounces of water, you will put two dollars in your spending pile. Suggestions: 1. Buy a refillable water bottle that you think is very cute.  2. Buy a sippy cup that helps you feel little.  3. Slice some lemons or oranges to put in your water for extra, healthy flavor. 3. Sleep Rule: You will go to bed at least seven (7) hours before you need to wake up.  “Going to bed” means that your eyes are closed, and you are making a legitimate effort to fall asleep. Reason: In the same way that your body runs on cuddles, orgasms, and water; it also runs on sleep.  Your body and your mind both require a fair amount of sleep every night in order to perform at their fullest potential.  Getting solid rest every night boosts your immune system (which will keep you from getting sick as often); and, studies have shown that sleeping seven (7) hours or more every night increases weight loss. Punishment: For every ten minutes you are up past your bedtime, you will lose one (1) day of porn privileges.  See below: Five Minutes Past Bedtime = No Loss Of Porn Privileges Ten Minutes Past Bedtime = One Day Without Porn Fifteen Minutes Past Bedtime = One Day Without Porn Twenty Minutes Past Bedtime = Two Days Without Porn Twenty-five Minutes Past Bedtime = Two Days Without Porn Thirty Minutes Past Bedtime = Three Days Without Porn Suggestions: 1. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you when it’s bedtime.  2. Start getting comfortable an hour before bedtime so that you don’t feel wired or anxious before it’s time to go to sleep. 4. Eat Rule: You will eat three (3) meals a day. Reason: In the same way that your body runs on cuddles, orgasms, water, and sleep; it also runs on food.  When you eat the right portions of the right foods, it makes everything better.  Your body rests better at night.  You have more energy during the day.  Your brain processes information more quickly (which makes school and work much simpler tasks).  Antioxidant-rich foods lessen the damage caused by free radicals.  Complex carbs increase serotonin levels.  This list goes on; but, with your knowledge of nutrition, you are the last person to whom I need to explain the benefits of healthy eating.  You already understand the process.  What you need to do now is change your feelings toward food.  Do not skip breakfast because it feels unnecessary; instead, see it as an opportunity to activate your fat-burning metabolism earlier in the day.  Do not skip lunch because you are busy; instead, see it as an opportunity to boost your energy and serotonin simultaneously so that you have a happier and more productive day.  Do not skip dinner because you are worried about your weight; instead, eat foods that are rich in antioxidants so that you literally look younger longer for your Daddy. Punishment: If you skip a single meal, you will write lines of Daddy’s choosing. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Remember that eating actually makes you more attractive.  Vitamins and antioxidants slow down the aging process. When you think long-term, you realize that liking how you look and looking your best for Daddy both mean eating healthier portions. 2. Buy convenient meals that you can eat even when you are short on time.  3. Buy food that you enjoy eating.  Yogurt and smoothies are both healthy and delicious. 8. Atlas & Hercules Rule: You will never let guilt or fear stop you from telling me how you feel. Reason: You are my best friend.  I love you.  I care about you.  This page is evidence of that.  As I said before, I do not make rules for people I do not care about because making and enforcing rules is a time-consuming responsibility.  In fact, I will not dominate someone unless she is special and important to me.  You are more special and important than you know.  As much as I enjoy using you for my pleasure, that is not my primary reason for being here.  I want you to be happy and healthy.  I want to do everything I can to make that happen.  If you are having a bad day, and you want to talk about it, I want to hear about it.  I know that, sometimes, we just need distractions from our negative feelings.  But, there are times when we need to vent or talk about the things that are bothering us.  I am here for both.  You are not going to push me away or lose me because you are having a bad day or feeling sad.  I promise. Punishment: Not letting me help you will make me incredibly sad. Reward: Talking to me about what’s weighing you down will give me opportunities to prove to you that I am not going to leave or stop caring about you. Suggestions: 1. Tell me right away.  If you hold onto your sad feelings for a while, you might talk yourself out of sharing them with me.  2. Remember, you aren’t unloading your sadness on me, you are sharing it with me so that we can handle it together. 10. Atlas & Hercules Part II Rule: You will call me when you are distressed. Reason: There is no reason you should ever have to panic or worry alone.  Especially if you are having a panic attack, you will tell me because I want to be there for you.  I want to help you and take away your fears, but I can’t do that unless you let me.  You can message me first; but, if I don’t respond, you will call me to wake me up so that we can talk. Punishment: I will be severely disappointed that you didn’t give me the opportunity to help you. Reward: Waking me up when you need me will result in my writing a poem for you. Suggestions: 1. If you think I need my sleep, call me anyway.  If I truly need my sleep, I will be too tired to be woken up by the phone call.  If I answer, then I will be able to help you.  In either scenario, calling me is an excellent measure of whether or not I have rested enough.  2. If you are afraid of bothering me, remember that it honestly bothers me more to know that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, than to wake up in the middle of the night. 11. Medication Rule: You will take a multi-vitamin, your birth control, turmeric, and Prozac every day. Reason:  All bodies are not created equal.  For example, you are able to orgasm without physical stimulation.  That is something some women will only ever be able to dream about doing.  Some people are tall, some are short, some have brown eyes, some have red hair, some have freckles, some have an iron deficiency, some are colorblind, some have a chemical imbalance, and the list goes on.  We have no control over our genetic code.  What we can control is whether or not we do everything in our power to help our bodies as much as we can.  Since you are mine, and your body is mine, you are going to do everything within your power to keep yourself as healthy as possible, physically and mentally.  Taking your daily vitamins and medications is just as important to me as eating two (2) meals a day and getting at least seven (7) hours of sleep. Punishment: Forgetting to take your medication or choosing to not take your medication for any reason will result in writing lines of my choosing.  The length of your lines and the number of repetitions will vary depending on which medication you did not take, and how good or bad you have been at following this rule in the past. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Take your medications at the same time every day to help it become a habit.  2. Always keep your medications in the same place so that you never misplace a bottle.  3. Do not keep your medications near the kitchen or bathroom sink.  It will be too easy to lose a pill down the drain.  4. Leave a reminder to take your medications somewhere where you cannot miss it: bathroom mirror, bedroom door, front door, etc.  5. Set an alarm in your phone that will alert you at the same time every day, and remind you to take your medications. 12. Exercise Rule: You will exercise for twenty minutes every morning as part of your morning routine. Reason: Exercising keeps you healthy by strengthening your heart, improving your circulation, and toning your muscles.  Exercising also boosts your metabolism which helps your body burn calories faster and more efficiently.  Finally, daily exercise also improves your immune system, making it less likely that you will get sick. Punishment: For every minute of exercising you skip, you will be in time-out for an equal length of time.  Now that you are required to exercise as part of your morning routine, your Daddy is anticipating that the main reason why you might skip a workout is because you would rather sleep in for twenty minutes.  In this scenario, you are willing to trade the time you would have spent exercising for more sleep.  Since your health is so important to me, your Daddy is willing to sacrifice twenty minutes of his time with you in order to give you back the twenty minutes you lost when you decided to stay in bed.  This means that, instead of skipping your workout for more sleep, you are actually rescheduling your workout for a time when Daddy could be showering you with his affection. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Exercise at the same time every morning.  Even though you wake up at different times every day, working out at the same time every morning will make it harder to forget or skip your workout.  2. Set an alarm on your phone that will remind you to exercise.  3. Buy a cute and comfortable yoga mat that is extra squishy.  4. Remember that exercising is the healthiest and fastest way to maintain your desired size, shape, and weight. 13. No Cussing Rule: You will not type or say: Ass, Asshole, Bastard, Bitch, Bullshit, Damn, Fuck, Goddamn, Motherfucker, Shit, Son Of A Bitch Reason: As you explained to me, using cuss words makes you feel less little because cuss words are big girl words.  Not cussing is also an effective exercise in self-discipline.  When you remove specific words from your vocabulary, it forces you to think about what you are going to say before you say it.  This is a skill that should be practiced by everyone because words are powerful.  Words can hurt or heal the ones you love.  Choosing the right words can get you hired or fired.  They can strengthen friendships or end relationships.  All too often, people act recklessly by not filtering their thoughts.  When you think before you speak, you avoid unnecessary drama while also improving your ability to communicate effectively. Punishment: You will exercise for an extra fifteen (15) minutes every time you use a cuss word. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: Memorize this list so that you do not use a word thinking that it’s fair game. ———————————————————————————————————–———————————————————————————————————– 14. No Comparing Yourself To Other Women Rule: You will not use Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, or any other websites to compare yourself to other women. Reason: Daddy understands that looking at your preferred body type(s) can act as motivation to lose weight and/or exercise; however, this method of inspiration does much more harm than good.  Instead of encouraging you to eat healthy and exercise, comparing yourself to other women only makes my Baby Girl feel ugly and worthless.  This is the opposite of how Daddy wants you to feel because I think you are beautiful, and because you are the most important thing in the world to me. Punishment: Every time you compare yourself to pictures of other women, you will send Daddy a new picture of yourself, followed by one thing you like about yourself in the picture.  Looking at yourself and finding something that you like about your physical appearance will negate some of the bad feelings from looking at other women. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Remember that you already have Daddy for all of forever, and that my love for you is not based on your physical appearance.  2. Block all thinspiration accounts that come across your dash.  3. Follow accounts that share healthy food recipes.  4. Follow accounts that share new, fun exercises. 15. No Insulting Yourself Rule: You will not call yourself: dumb, stupid, disgusting, fat, gross, a troll, ugly, worthless, any variation of these words, and/or any synonym of these words. Reason: As we have discussed, writing these things, typing them, and/or saying them aloud only reinforces your negative opinions about yourself.  The more you repeat them, the more you become accustomed to hearing them and believing that they’re true.  Constantly bullying yourself and putting yourself down makes  you feel sad, it makes you feel like you are not good enough to be with me, and it makes you feel less secure and confident in our relationship together.  When you insult yourself, you hurt yourself, you make Daddy sad, and you slowly lay the foundation for feelings that could one day threaten to end our relationship. Punishment: You will perform a two-minute plank for each insult.  This is an appropriate punishment because a majority of your verbal self-hatred comes from the way you feel about your body and your appearance.  You told Daddy that one of the reasons why you are so hard on yourself is because you are afraid that, if you stop focusing on your imperfections, you will let yourself go.  If accountability and self-improvement are your reasons for degrading and bullying yourself on a daily basis, then you need to reinforce your words with action through exercise. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Instead of calling yourself ugly, ask Daddy why he thinks you’re pretty.  2. Instead of calling yourself stupid, ask Daddy why he thinks you’re smart.  3. Instead of calling yourself worthless, ask Daddy why he wants to marry you.  4. Re-visit all of your Armor Interviews to remind yourself of the positive compliments other people have paid you in the recent past. 16. Accepting Compliments Rule: You will accept all compliments from Daddy without disagreeing or arguing with me.  You will say, “Thank you, Daddy,” every time I give you a compliment of any kind. Reason: Currently, my Baby Girl is not good at accepting compliments because you feel like you do not deserve them.  Compliments, especially from Daddy, are supposed to make you feel good.  They are supposed to build your confidence and uphold your self-esteem.  My compliments are supposed to reassure you of Daddy’s feelings for you, they are supposed to help you feel wanted, and they are supposed to make you feel secure in our relationship.  Ultimately, learning how to accept compliments can help you love the person that you are, and it can strengthen our relationship together.  Since you are bad at accepting compliments, you need practice.  It may take some time, but the longer Daddy forces his Baby Girl to accept compliments, the easier it will become to hear something nice about yourself without immediately believing it’s a lie. Punishment: You will type or write lines of my choosing. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Pay close attention to when your Daddy is giving you a compliment.  2. Remember that your brain will not automatically produce a “Thank you;” instead, thanking Daddy will take a conscious effort on your part.  3. Understand that accepting compliments does not make you vain.  4. Remind yourself that Daddy will not tell you something unless I believe it with all of my heart.  5. Remember that accepting compliments from Daddy makes your Daddy very happy. 17. Daily Selfie Rule: You will send Daddy at least one selfie every day. Reason: Almost nothing makes me happier than seeing my Beautiful Baby Girl.  When we live together, Daddy will see you all the time: in the morning, during the day, after exercising, during a rough sex scene, and in the middle of the night.  Since I want you to feel as safe and comfortable with me as possible, you need to get used to Daddy looking at you by sending one selfie every day.  I know this will be very difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will get, just like Recording A Compliment or writing your Food Diary. Punishment:  If you do not send a Daily Selfie, you will send a Spontaneous Selfie in its place.  You cannot use a filter when you take the Spontaneous Selfie; also, you will take and send the selfie at my command, regardless of lighting, hair, makeup, blemishes, and/or dark circles under your eyes. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Send a selfie right after a shower so that you feel extra fresh and clean.  2. Send a selfie right before going into work so that your makeup is applied.  3. Send a selfie late at night when you have plenty of time to adjust your lighting and grab some props (like Bea, Phil, Max, or Millie). 19. Ownership Rule: You will say “I belong to Daddy,” out loud, every time you take a bath or a shower. Reason: Daddy wants his Baby Girl to feel wanted and owned.  By reminding yourself every day that you are completely mine and no one else’s, Daddy hopes to strengthen your sense of worth and belonging.  I also want you to get used to saying these words aloud so that they spring to your lips whenever anyone flirts with you, hits on you, or tries to take you away from me.  Currently, two of the things your Daddy does to help you feel owned are making your wear my ribbon around your thigh and writing on your body.  Since you have to take off my ribbon before bathing, and taking a shower or bath washes away any writing on your body, this is an especially appropriate time to do something extra to remind yourself that you are Daddy’s Girl.  I also like the idea of you performing this action for me while you are naked since being Daddy’s property means that you will rarely be wearing clothes inside our home. Punishment: You will sit in the corner, on your knees, for thirty minutes, repeating to yourself “I belong to Daddy,” until your time is up. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Say, I belong to Daddy,” while you are cleaning your princess parts.  2. Say, “I belong to Daddy” several times while you are bathing.  3. Think about what it means to be owned by another person.  Consider how much that person must like and love you to want you so badly that they want ownership of you. 20. Reassurance Rule: You will say “I deserve my Daddy,” out loud, every time you get dressed for the day. Reason: I want my Baby Girl to feel comfortable, confident, secure, and safe in our relationship.  I never want you to worry that you are going to lose me.  Even considering the idea that another person could steal me away from you is a ridiculous waste of time.  Both saying and hearing “I deserve my Daddy,” on a regular bases will reinforce the fact that you deserve my love, my time, my attention, and my affection.  Once you become less worried about losing Daddy, it will also become easier for you to communicate even more openly and honestly with me about various things because you will feel confident that whatever you want or need to tell me with not drive your Daddy away. Punishment: You will sit in the corner, on your knees, for thirty minutes, repeating to yourself “I deserve my Daddy,” until your time is up. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Remember that Daddy knows and believes that you truly deserve to be with the best of the best.  2. After telling yourself that you “…deserve [your] Daddy,” think about our good days and our bad days together.  3. Remember that Daddy has seen you when you are sad, anxious, worried, and insecure.  Even on those days, you deserved your Daddy. 21. Enforcing Exclusivity Rule: You will actively defend and protect our relationship from any person or persons who threaten our relationship, regardless of whether they are trying to take you away from me on purpose or subconsciously. Reason: In a world full of broken trust and low self-esteem, it remains true that one of the biggest threats to a happy and healthy relationship is other people.  Whether someone else is jealous of your happiness, envious of your love, or lusting after your significant other, people outside of the relationship often cause the most tension, strife, worry, doubt, and drama between two lovers.  Over the years, Daddy has learned that it is not enough to assume that the world will respect our love and leave us alone.  Instead, we need to stay on the alert for any possible threats to our relationship by asking ourselves, “What is this person’s intention?  Can I trust this person to respect my relationship with Daddy?  Is this person trying to create a rift in my relationship?  Is this person hoping that I will end my relationship to be with them and/or cheat with them?  Does this person have ulterior motives?”  It is healthy to have other friendships, but it is wise to keep an eye on those friendships to make sure they don’t turn into something that could break us apart. Punishment: Constant worrying.  Doubt.  Feelings of insecurity.  Hurt feelings.  Trust issues. Reward: Good Girl Points and a stronger, long-lasting relationship that is both happy and healthy. Suggestions: 1. Use Tunnel Vision.  Using Tunnel Vision means that we do not look at other people and fantasize about what it would be like to date them, be in a relationship with them and/or cheat on each other with them.  2. Be completely transparent with each other.  This is something that you are very good at already, but making sure that we are being completely upfront, open, and honest with each other when it comes to the things that other people say to us can eliminate many problems before they even start.  It also helps us build even more trust in each other.  3. Tell other people that we are in a happy and healthy relationship.  We don’t need to flaunt how amazing our relationship is to those less fortunate than us, but we can prevent unwanted advances by mentioning our relationship in casual conversation so that the person we are talking to knows that we are spoken for and off-limits. 22. No Leaving/Dying Rule: You will not end our relationship by breaking up with me, abandoning me, and/or dying. Reason: Daddy means it when I tell you that I love you now, forever, and always.  Because I love you that much, I desperately desire to be with you as much as possible, as intimately as possible, and for as long as possible.  You are my best friend, my full-time submissive, my Little Girl, my sexy slut, my Girlfriend, and my future Wife.  You are also my source of confidence and happiness.  You are my reason for waking up every day and for making myself the best version of myself that I can be.  I am planning to spend the rest of my life with you.  The rest of my life revolves around you.  That is how I want it to be.  If you and I are no longer together for any reason, my plans would not only change, my whole world would collapse.  This is the first time in my life that I have ever been this happy, and it is all because of you.  Now that I have experienced this level of joy, peace, and certainty, I never want to feel anything else.  I never want to lose this, and I never want to lose you.  I can’t lose you. Punishment: Daddy will become a soul-less, empty shell of a human who only stays alive for his parents. Reward: A long and happy life with Daddy, including (but not limited to): Dragon’s Den!  A clingy kitten that grows into a clingy floof!  A clingy pupper that grows into a clingy doggo!  Booty rubs!  Frequent and powerful orgasms!  Intense cuddle sessions!  Romantic trips to the museum!  Kinky trips to the local park!  Booty rubs!  Pillow forts!  Little Space!  Falling asleep to bedtime stories!  Going to the planetarium!  And, last but not least, booty rubs! Suggestions: 1. Eat healthily and drink lots of water.  2. Always take all of your medicine.  3. Always be aware of your surroundings so that you never wander into a dangerous or life-threatening situation.  4. Practice defensive driving techniques to ensure safety while driving.  5. Never take harmful drugs.  6. Never take too many prescription drugs at one time.  7. Never consume any sort of alcohol without Daddy present.  8. Never allow yourself to be alone with a stranger.  9. Keep your phone charged at all times in case of an emergency.  10. Buy pepper spray and carry it with you at all times.  11. Never self-harm.  12. Never commit suicide.  13. Don’t play on train tracks.  14. Look both ways before crossing the street.  15. Don’t make toast in the bathtub.  16. Remember that no body of water is safe without a lifeguard. 23. Curfew Rule: You will not use any mirrors, look at Tumblr, or watch scary videos after Daddy has gone to sleep. Reason: Tumblr can be cute, fun, and sexy, but the wrong post can make you feel like you are not as cute, skinny, or sexy as you should be.  If you begin to feel this way during the day, your Daddy is there to reassure you that your brain is being stupid, and you look amazing just the way you are.  If, however, you begin to feel this way after Daddy has gone to bed for the night, you spiral very quickly.  Not only do you think mean things about yourself; you sometimes feed your insecurities and feelings of inadequacy by continuing to look at other girls that you think are more attractive.  In the same way, looking in a mirror for too long can also cause you to spiral into self-hatred.  Mirrors also have the potential to make you disassociate.  None of these things are good ways to spend your precious time, and they are certainly not good for your self-image, your confidence, or your mental health.  Most importantly, they do not reflect how Daddy feels about you or how Daddy wants you to feel about yourself.  You are My Baby Girl.  I only have one, and you are it.  Finally, watching scary movies and/or videos at night gives My Baby Girl nightmares.  You know how important it is to get your sleep (you have a whole rule about going to bed on time).  If you keep waking up throughout the night because you have nightmares, or you wake up feeling restless because you were tossing and turning all night, then that precious body of yours is not getting the rest that it needs to be strong and healthy for me. Punishment: If you look in a mirror after curfew, you will not be allowed to use mirrors at all the following day.  If you look at Tumblr after curfew, you will not be allowed on Tumblr at all the following day.  If you watch a scary video after curfew, you will not be allowed to watch anything from that media source (Netflix, Youtube, etc.) the following day. Suggestions: 1. Remove your makeup before Daddy goes to bed so that you have no need of a mirror late at night.  2. Put your Tumblr, Youtube, and Netflix apps in a folder called “Curfew” so that you are always reminded that you cannot use those apps after Daddy goes to sleep.  (You can still use Youtube and Netflix as long as you do not watch anything that is spooky, eerie, or scary.) 24. Morning Routine Rule: Within the first thirty (30) minutes of getting out of bed, you will take your birth control pill, drink one cup of water, and begin your daily exercises. Reason: Starting your day the right way will have a positive influence over the rest of your day.  Following this rule means that you are simultaneously remembering and obeying your exercise rule, as well as getting  a jump start on your medication and water rules.  Not only will this make your Daddy very proud of you, but it will also cross a few items off of your to-do list, which will make the rest of your day more manageable while also making you feel productive.  Daddy almost shouldn't give you a reward for obeying this rule because everything you will do during your morning routine is already part of your other rules, and those rules already have rewards of their own.  Because I love you so much, your Daddy wants to help you be the best version of yourself that you can be, and that means doing everything I can to help you turn these rules into beneficial behaviors. Punishment: If you do not complete your morning routine for any reason, you will go to bed thirty (30) minutes early that night.  This will help you wake up thirty minutes earlier the following day so that you have more time to complete your morning routine while still getting the same amount of rest. Reward: Good Girl Points Suggestions: 1. Go to bed early enough that you can sleep for seven hours and still wake up in time to complete your morning routine without feeling rushed.  2. Before falling asleep, set an alarm that will remind you to do your morning routine when you wake up.  3. Wake up and complete your morning routine at the same time every day.  If you have nothing to do and no where to be when you are finished, you may go back to bed.

[thesorrowfulknight-blog]

Okaayyyy, so! Apparently tumblr was being a shitforbrains again and didn't post my answers from a few days ago, so I'm gonna combine both get-to-know-me q&a's in one post! Sorry for the wait you guys.

1st set of q's was tagged by @legendarybitch 😘

Relationship status: Single AF

Favourite colours: Blue and green, hands down. I'm partial to he more vibrant blues and more earthy greens; especially hunter green with gold accenting. But it has to be a nice gold, not that yucky orangey-yellow some folks use

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstiiiick! Anything else I get annoyed and scrape it off with my teeth

3 favourite foods: Oh god, I have to choose? I guess... Any pizza really though I have a weakness for deepdish (especially double cheese smothered in sriracha 😍), suicide hot wings (I want to choke on the fumes and feel like my face is melting), aannnnd a nice tender rare steak. You can't see it but I'm drooling now thx guys

Song stuck in my head: The Next Episode by Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg

Last song I listened to: Zombies by The Cranberries (the cover done by Bad Wolves is fucking bomb too)

Last movie I watched: Galaxy Quest (1999) Worth every goddamn penny

Top 3 tv shows: Tough call, but I think the closest would have to be Hannibal, Final Space, and Voltron: Legendary Defender

Books I'm currently reading: The Rowan by Anne McCaffrey and Burial Rites by Hannah Kent

Last thing I googled: Biomedical Technology

Time: 11:04pm

How many blankets do you sleep in: Primarily just my one big galaxy comforter

Dream trip: Phew, that one's a pretty tall order! About 9/10ths of my clan/extended familar are still in europe (mostly Germany and the Netherlands), so I'd like to be able to visit everyone! I haven't met most of them because of distance but we're all still very tightly knit accross continents. So a dream trip would somehow entail being able to get to visit everyone and possibly even go with my Oma before she can't fly anymore (she hasn't seen her sisters in many years). If somehow this all timed itself right so that I could also attend the Trakehner Verband approvals at Neumünster, I would legitimately weep with joy. My opa and I had always planned to go together as he hadn't been since immigrating to Canada, but now that he's passed I want to go for the both of us. It's a family legacy thing, I suppose. My second choice would be to visit either Spain or Portugal for a riding vacation 😍

Anything you really want: To have a prosperous and fulfilling life brimming with true friendship, laughter, and love.

2nd set of q's tagged by @vecchiasignoras 😙

Name: Kate, though I consider it to be quite intimate so only my immediate family calls me by this name. Everyone else refers to me as Kat

Height: 5'9"

Middle name(s): I have two! Their initials are E.M.

Put your music on shuffle. What are the first four songs that come on?

September by Earth, Wind & Fire

In the Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Something Like This by The Chainsmokers

Bonus: Become the Beast by Karliene

Grab the book nearest you and turn to page 23. What is on line 17? (I counted them as the beginning/end of dialogue and whole sentences)

"She'll... she'll die! You know as well as I do," and Siglen's words crowded each other out of her mouth, "what happens to the truly Talented in space... I mean, look at how ill David became. Remember how devastated Capella was. To subject an infant... of unknown potential... to such mind-destroying trauma! Why you must be mad, Interior. You cannot! I will not permit it!"

Ever had a song or poem written about you? Not to my knowledge! Though the only thing they might draw inspiration from is how big my feet are lmao

When was the last time you played air guitar? Mmm, a few weeks I think? That Mötley Crüe riff was impossible to resist. As for a real guitar, I think it's going on almost 4 or 5 years now? Jesus time flies.

Who is your celebrity crush? They would have to be Tom Holland and Chris Hemsworth. I definitely have a thing for their personality type 😘

What's a sound you hate + a sound you love?

A sound I hate would 12/10 have to be my mother's voice, even just saying my name. It always sounds accusatory and condescending in the kind of way that's like nails on a chalkboard but under your skin. Also the sound of unexpected people WALKING UP ONTO MY PORCH AND KNOCKING ON THE DOOR INVADING MY SANCTUARY. (I loathe unannounced visitors. Hate hate hate them).

A sound that I love would hands down have to be the ambient noises my horse makes when he's just doing... whatever. When he's doing him-stuff. Slurping up electrolyte water like a messy kid, heaving these great big sighs because life amiright? I especially find his annoyed growling to be hilarious, because he is VERY loud and dramatic about it, but only does it when you ask him to do something relatively low effort that he finds tedious. Like flat work, or walking to and from the barn and paddock. Completely droll and lackluster. But going for a friendly gallop in the back field? You'd think we'd just gotten rallied by fucking Théoden to ride to our deaths at the Pelennor Fields. He makes this hard little growly-grunt when he shifts up into the next gear and then boom, you're gone. Just fucking gone. Then he's a happy springy boi. It isn't like his annoyed growling though; it's different. When he's annoyed it's more like verbal complaining; all in the throat. But when he revs it it's much shorter and takes on a hard edge. Comes up deep from the core. I can't really explain it any better than that. I just fucking love sprinting a 1700lbs war machine in general, now that I've re-learned how the hell to ride it 😂 I'm babbling now

Do you believe in ghosts? I believe in spirits and other things, yes.

How about aliens? We've only discovered and understand, what, 0.4% of the known universe? To not be widely open to and fully accepting of the notion that we are not alone would be pure folly. Even from a mathematical standpoint it would be wildly ridiculous not to. That doesn't mean I have any specific theories or "truths" about it, though. It would just be very stupid of me to be closed-minded.

Besides, if it does turn out to be true it would explain a lot of things. I think my favourite wild theory out there is that Mary, mother of Jesus, was artificially inseminated. Like we do with livestock. If nothing else it's fascinating to ponder the implications.

Do you drive? Yes. Pretty gutsy too, if I say so myself. My mum used to drag race so I guess it's both a hereditary as well as a learned thing.

If so, have you ever crashed? Only once, and that was an actual accident. The conditions were super icy so we were already going 20km below the limit, and I was hanging back, but what happened was the car infront of me hit the car infront of them, and when I slammed on the brakes I just slid about 15-20 feet right into their rear end anyways. Nobody got hurt except for my car; she took the worst of it. The car I hit basically just had to pop the dent back out and it was like I hadn't made contact. Lucky badstards. There were a ton of similar accidents that day so everything got wrapped up pretty quick.

What was the last book you read?

It's been so long since I've completed one, mostly because everything these days sucks ass, so I don't remember what it was. The ones I'm currently reading however are The Rowan by Anne McCaffrey and Burial Rites by Hannah Kent

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Clean, quality gasoline? Yes. Dirty low quality gasoline? No.

What was the last movie you saw?

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Do you have any obsessions right now? Not really, no. I mean, technically all things Bioware and my pony, but those are more of a glowering embers kind of love. Not the raging wildfire kind that overtakes the mind and turns you into a fanatic

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Eeeehhhhhh, yes and no. Like I won't actively hate you cause why tf would I waste the energy, so it's whatever, but I will also always keep you at arm's length so idk

Are you in a relationship? No, nor do I want to be. I'm enjoying just being on my own and allowing myself to grow as a person. I don't do relationships just for the sake of being in one, or because of this ridiculous notion people seem to have that you aren't complete/a whole person without a significant other. I'm only interested in end-game, and I'm not ready to be open for that right now ✌

Bonus: What's an annoying/bad habit that you have? Talking the shit out of everything. And I swear. A lot. More in my head than out loud, though.

[getoffthesoapbox]

[7DQ] - The Tragedy of Yeonsan-gun

I started watching Queen for Seven Days (Q7D) on a whim this week. I went in expecting to enjoy a romance and some politics and yet another tyrant king who devolves into madness. But what I got was one of the most compelling character arcs for a “mad king” I’ve seen in a long time. 

I’ll be the first to admit to having a soft spot for Wang Yo from Moon Lovers, but he had absolutely not a single redeeming quality to make the outcome of his sorry life anything more than justified karma. Q7D’s tragic Yeonsan-gun is a completely different story, and I’ve been obsessively thinking about him now that I’ve caught up with the latest episodes. I’d like to explore his character on its own and in conjunction with Chae-kyung, Q7D’s heroine, to hopefully pin down what exactly is so compelling about him.

Behold the twisted paths of a rambling mind under the cut below!

~ the tragedy of a self-fulfilled prophecy ~

The Yeonsan-gun we’re introduced to is a flat out tyrant, and his people and ministers are beginning to grumble about how unworthy he is of the king’s seat. Fairly standard for a mad tyrant. The creators initially make it appear that he’s tormenting everyone around him for no reason--he refuses to listen to his ministers give their reports, he berates them, he belittles his brother, he’s constantly paranoid and on the defensive. He’s one prickly pear, and it’s initially quite difficult to understand why he hasn’t had his own head chopped off yet. 

I initially wrote him off, thinking there was no point in investing in a character so obviously set up to fall. But the creators surprised me on this one. Instead of treating him like a caricature of a person, they began to peel back the layers of the initial impression they gave of him, and with each layer peeled back a tiny hint of a potential pearl was revealed. 

Slowly we begin to learn more about him. Why is he paranoid about his sweet brother Yeok, who looks at him with such affection and devotion? Why because the former king had told Yeonsan in no uncertain terms that he was to step down from kingship when his brother was of age, because Yeonsan was destined to destroy the kingdom. His own father wrote him off, stole his birthright, and didn’t see any value in him. That’s a pretty big pill to swallow for anyone.

Now, if Yeok was Yeonsan’s full blood brother, things might have turned out differently. Yeonsan loved Yeok, but he slowly watched Yeok stand in the spotlight of their father’s attention. Yeonsan, whose own mother had been deposed, was left abandoned and alone--the unwanted son of a traitorous queen, with a prophecy of doom on his head, writing him off entirely as being of any worth at all.

This I think quite understandably turned Yeonsan bitter and resentful, and upon taking the throne, he was determined to keep it. That being said, as Yeok mentions early in the series, Yeonsan never harms Yeok, despite having plenty of opportunities to. This is thanks to the affection Yeonsan bears Yeok, in spite of all the resentment and the envy. There is real love there between them, even as it begins to be subsumed by the heavy burdens and isolation of the throne. 

Yeonsan’s troubles don’t end with his father’s death and his brother’s potential for usurpation. On top of these, his court is full of vipers--ministers hellbent on promoting their own ambitions and playing their little games. It’s clear early on that Yeonsan is completely and utterly fed up with the ministers to the point of holding each and every one of them in contempt. Worse, he has virtually no connection with his people, the people he’s meant to rule. Because he has no connection to the people, he is wasteful and extravagant and shows little interest in their welfare so long as his own needs are fulfilled.

Not a single person believes in Yeonsan as a person and moreover a king, other than Yeok, who is by birth Yeonsan’s rival and cannot become a trusted companion or advisor. Although Yeonsan has the comfort of a beautiful wife from the Shin family, he seems to have virtually no connection with her--likely she was forced upon him in marriage during his father’s reign, probably adding to his resentment. Had he chosen her on his own, I suspect he would be more attentive to her. He does have a concubine he seems to trust in a limited capacity, but this concubine is constantly conspiring with the ministers behind his back. Even though she’s working for Yeonsan’s sake, it’s also to keep herself in power. Basically Yeonsan has no team to support him, because they’re all acting against him in secret or are supporting him in unhelpful ways due to their own ambitions. No man is an island, and Yeonsan is isolated beyond reason. It’s no wonder he cracks.

Beyond this, Yeok’s mother the Queen plays her own games and is always lurking in the background, scheming to destroy Yeonsan in favor of her blood child. Yeonsan clearly wanted her affection and love, but was unable to receive either, adding further to his resentment toward Yeok despite Yeok having done no wrong.

All of this leads us to the present day Yeonsan, who is a man full of paranoia, rage, resentment, impotence, thwarted hopes, and desperation. He wants to prove the world wrong, but this very wish is driving him toward fulfilling the very prophecy he wants to escape. It’s a terrible tragedy that his family pushed him down this path and the ministers helped shove him over the edge, and then in the end he’ll be the one who must take responsibility for his failures, despite having never had a chance to begin with. 

The most tragic aspect of his character is that there is within him a small, tiny flame of light and justice. This small flame, if only someone could have found it much earlier, could have truly led him toward becoming a sage king, rather than a paranoid figure of tragedy. I know historically Yeonsan-gun was considered mad, and perhaps that’s accurate in truth (maybe he really did have a genuine and legitimate mental disorder). But it’s easy to drive a person to desperate acts that appear insane on the surface or to an outsider but are actually quite rational given the limited decisions the person has left to them, and perhaps this more nuanced version of Yeonsan is meant to highlight that not all madness comes from the mind--sometimes it’s a reaction to external influences, and without a strong foundation to guard it, the mind soon crumbles under the onslaught. Not to mention the old adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely, which may also be the more truthful result of Yeonsan’s fall. I’ll leave that to the historians, though, lol.

All I can say is that I’m going to cry buckets when this man meets his end. I’m not usually the type who wants to save villains from their foolish or arrogant actions, but this man is such an unfortunate wretch that my heart bleeds for him. It would be one thing if he’d been given every chance in the world and had squandered it due to pride or arrogance or selfishness. But I can’t bear how he was written off before he’d even been given a chance, how his own father could believe a prophecy over his own eyes. It’s one thing to try and fail and then be deposed, it’s another to be told from day one you never had a chance and you’ll never succeed no matter how hard you try. What a debilitating thing to tell your own son. All I can think is that the former king must have hated the deposed queen and his own resentment must have come out against Yeonsan. 

Although I know Yeonsan-gun’s story is headed straight to tragedy, I can’t help wishing there was some way to save him. 

~ the king who can only move a single space ~

One thing I really appreciate about Yeonsan is how he just rips into his ministers nearly every episode. I get such vicious glee out of watching him chew them out and taunt them and mock them. After watching so many sageuks where the ministers drive the sweet and kind heroes to distraction with their games, it’s absolutely refreshing to see a king who won’t take any of their shit. 

Unfortunately, he’s ultimately impotent and powerless. I think this story does such a wonderful job at highlighting how helpless a king is when he doesn’t have the natural charisma and wherewithal to navigate the political waters. Yeonsan has no support, and he seems to be under the childish impression that because he’s wearing the crown people have to do what he says. It’s a tragedy of the highest order that he doesn’t have wise advisors around him to help him understand that the crown is only a symbol and that it has no power in and of itself. 

~ a song of what might have been ~

A few things struck me after the time skip. One was that Yeonsan-gun is ridiculously talented--he plays instruments and paints professionally. He seems happiest when he’s playing the bard, a free spirit floating around the town, nameless and unknown. 

I can’t help but wonder if he wouldn’t have been happier giving up the throne entirely and abandoning politics altogether. It would have been impossible for him, I know--the throne is really all he has and to let that go would cast him adrift into a sea of chaos he might not emerge from intact. He’s so desperate to prove his father wrong that he would never have been able to let the throne go. His resentment’s too strong for that. 

Still, it’s touching that he is willing to dispense with guards and servants and live on his own, helping Chae-kyung with the anniversary service meal without a single complaint, shopping with her, eating peasant food without turning his nose up. It makes me want to write some kind of alternate universe story where he realizes he needs to sacrifice the throne for his own good and goes on to become a renowned minstrel or something. Then he really could have gotten his own back on his father--rather than destroying the kingdom, his poems and songs become emblematic of the kingdom’s prosperity. 

It’s too bad humans are so foolish that they cling to the things that hurt them the most when letting go and sacrificing them is sometimes the only way to move forward. 

~ love arrived too late conquers none ~

Okay, I saved Yeonsan-gun and Chae-kyung for last because...holy mackerel this ship’s gonna be the death of me. ;D I never expected to get on board this thing, but now that I am it’s going to be such a heart wrenching experience watching everything fall apart. 

I probably should have put this in its own post, but I feel so much of Yeonsan’s interactions with Chae-kyung point out the inner light he still carries that it has to be part of this exploration of the depth of his character. So here we are, lol. From the moment they first met in the pool after she chased him down, I thought “oh no, this is my ship.” It’s absolutely adorable that Chae-kyung checks Yeonsan out--she has more of a reaction to him as a man than she does to Yeok later on, lol. What an adorable meet cute. It’s such a shame they’re doomed to never even have a chance. 

The thing that I noticed Chae-kyung brings out in Yeonsan is his smile. The man does not smile, unless it’s a mocking or derisive smirk. When he’s with Chae-kyung, his eyes light up like a sad puppy’s and although he tries to keep a poker face, these small tic smiles force their way onto his face. He usually covers them up quickly, but it’s just so deeply endearing to see Chae-kyung surprise a smile on his face, or a laugh. You can tell he’s not used to joy, and that it comes unnaturally to him, and that says a lot about his character without us needing to explore his back story any further. Kudos to his actor for doing such a fantastic job--the sheer amount of micro-expressions he puts into Yeonsan’s interactions with Chae-kyung never cease to leave me speechless.

Chae-kyung also brings out Yeonsan’s sense of humor, which is adorable and dry and clever and fun. If his court could have seen this side of him, maybe he’d have more political sway. But to show humor, you have to be wiling to be vulnerable, and Chae-kyung’s the only person who’s able to give Yeonsan enough of a sense of safety that he’s willing to let down his guard.

And that’s really the main thing I love about Chae-kyung’s effect on Yeonsan--her simple, honest affection is enough to make him feel safe for probably the first time in his life. He’s looking for a home, a place to rest and feel secure. It’s easy to see why he’s never had that--his father threw out his mother and then rejected him entirely, and his stepmother gave him nothing. Yeonsan took care of Yeok, and Yeok loved him back, but Yeok’s love wasn’t enough to cancel out the resentment. Yeonsan has never had that feeling of “home.” That’s why Chae-kyung, and her father really, get under his skin so much--these people offer him family, something he desperately, desperately wants underneath it all. Although he tells Chae-kyung not to call him brother, he doesn’t press the issue and continues to allow her to attach herself to him. Near her, he can sleep and the nightmares disappear, because he feels protected. It might seem kind of bizarre for a grown man to feel protected by a child, and then by a woman later on, but I think that’s what’s going on here. Something about Chae-kyung makes Yeonsan feel safe, the way a mother or sister does. 

I don’t know if Yeonsan has romantic feelings for Chae-kyung. I’d say those are probably in there now that she’s older, and that they’re growing now that he’s getting heavily involved with her, but at the same time I think the simplicity of familial devotion that she offered him was the foundation of their bond, and I think that’s the piece that will always remain, no matter what happens. 

He responds to Chae-kyung’s devotion with such a fierce desire to please her that it’s hard not to compare him to a puppy she picked up in the rain, haha. When she tells him that family should stick together, he rethinks his position on Yeok. When she tells him just to punish her alongside Yeok, he’s flabbergasted at her desire to protect both Yeok and him. When she tells him that he can become a sage king and do his father proud and restore his mother to her rightful place, he begins to change his actions to meet her wishes, much to the derision of Yeok and the Queen and the ministers. When she tries to get him to paint red on the ink wash painting of the Chinese rose, he immediately gives into her wishes despite an obligatory refusal. He clearly wants to please her and make her smile, and these are aspects of his character he’s probably never had the opportunity to explore. 

This man has never known tenderness. He doesn’t know how to demonstrate affection or speak of his feelings. His love comes out in all these adorable, quiet ways that Chae-kyung sadly will never notice because her heart is elsewhere. When they chat at the table in episode 5, he gets all shy after he touches her face (I love how he’s always looking away shyly when he notices her as a woman or when she makes him smile and he doesn’t want her to know). When he finds her drenched in the rain, he offers his own umbrella to her, catches her in his arms, and then immediately begins ordering her to get herself dry. Anyone else would ask her if she’s alright, but he’s never said those words in his life. Instead he offers gentle orders to eat or dry up or tell him what’s happened. In time, perhaps, he could have made that final leap to speaking more gently and carefully, but he softens where he can. 

He takes a huge step forward when he rescues her from being tied up on the cross and feeds her the antidote for the poison with his own hands. Like this is huge stuff for a king, especially this king in particular. For him to allow himself to express this much affection for someone is a milestone. Of course, this alerts all the ministers to a new weakness, which is unfortunate. Just as he’s beginning to learn to love, he’ll be quashed by the calculating cunning of his ministers. Still, he tries to save her father and her. The moment when he faces her down in episode 8 as she begs him to punish her rather than her family breaks my heart. He says her name over and over, wanting her to let him save her, but she won’t give in--insisting that in spite of all he’s offered her, she’s the one who’s let him down.

That’s the other thing about Chae-kyung that I think really gets to Yeonsan. She absolutely appreciates and values how he sticks his neck out for her, but she also fears for him and doesn’t want him to lose his influence because of her or her actions. Even though she loves Yeok and is desperate to protect him, she also wants to protect Yeonsan. The girl just has so much love in her heart, and it’s such a shame she’ll ultimately be unable to bring these brothers together and rebuild the torched fence between them. 

I think Chae-kyung’s interactions with Yeonsan-gun help us see what he could have been if someone had only given him the chance. Chae-kyung enters Yeonsan’s life far too late to achieve any great results, and his course was long since set before she arrived on the scene. He was already married and in the hands of a cunning concubine; there was never any room for Chae-kyung, and now Chae-kyung has no room for him either. 

In the end, I just feel grateful for anything the creators are willing to give me with this pair at this point. I know Chae-kyung will marry Yeok and that Yeonsan-gun’s in for a tragic end, but still... I hope there’re still some moments in the future episodes for me to enjoy highlighting this pair and their potential. Ultimately, they’re a love that can never be which was over before it started, but still, I can’t help but find it the more compelling love story in Q7D. Yeok, you’ve got a long way to go to overcome your big bro. Good luck, m’boy. ;)

[lemuelf37401-blog]

Meaningful Gifts

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[timmynthnblg]

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[herdoir]

A call-out post for myself.

When I was in 9th grade, I was attention-seeking and needed desperately to be validated. I wrote a poem for my Honors English class called “The Other Girls,” in which I noted the actions of those “women” (no matter how men also play into it) that desperately needed validation, which went like this:

I am not like the other girls.

I binge Netflix and enjoy books

because I, deep down, know I am better than those stupid squares

and this is definitely not a vain thing to say.

See, I am not like the other girls.

I eat vanilla ice cream while I spend my day on tumblr since

I am not genuinely fascinating or substantially different.

I have no unique traits, but I pride myself as if I do.

I am not like the other girls at all.

I listen to Halsey, her whale calls echoing my true feelings.

My emotions suffocate around me

so I can get attention for them.

I am the most special snowflake around!

I am not weird, I am quirky on command

as I so vehemently want to be different,

even though I am as much a narcissist as a cynic.

Now, if you know anything about who I was back then, you can easily connect some dots of how I was projecting here. As it stands, though, I believe this poem is a fairly solid commentary for a 9th grader on how teenagers make themselves out to be the “other” for attention even though they’re all the same. That being said, I really should have looked in the mirror before I called people out for this behavior.

When I spoke to my in-group of friends several months after the Summer I Acted Like a Raving Buffoon, I said that it was definitely when I was the most teenage-ry, and I was a teen in spades. I really could do a line-by-line breakdown of how every single line here applied to me, but I don’t think that it’d be the most constructive use of my time.

Instead, I’ll connect how this applies to tumblr culture.

After the poem was publicly read to the class (because they considered it funny haha!), a classmate and I were talking. She said that tumblr culture as a whole made her depressed, and she eventually logged off because of it. She was recommended by her therapist to log off. At the time, I expressed my sympathy, but told her that I didn’t feel that I would experience something like that. I was so wrong. Now, if you recall, there is a part of the poem which reads thus: “My emotions suffocate around me / so I can get attention for them.” This was damn near constant for me in the summer. I was to be the center of attention, and anything that competed with a constant leaf-fanning of Emperor Me on my golden throne was to be eliminated. Everyone considers their old selves to be cringe-y for one reason of another, but I was downright toxic for this. I’d shut down someone I considered a friend for existing; I ruled my discord server with an iron grip because I was rotten from the inside. While this younger me would justify the behavior because I was broken, and I did have legitimate shutdowns in a (now embarrassing) fury, I now realize that these reactions only exacerbated my issues. I was problematic, and I hope that by recognizing what I did wrong, I can be much better as a person today.

Back to tumblr and why I was toxic, though. A post I have reblogged on this account I found through memeufacturing (i know) highlights the issue best:

how long can you keep this up, the gallows humor? how long can you string them along with your smile? at what point will the truth leak out - will you later tell the story of how you cried over spilled milk with a laugh in your throat... how many breakdowns can you follow with a punchline... the joke is “i hate myself”, the joke is “please kill me”, the joke is “god i wish i were dead.

Quite frankly, this post resonated with a me a year ago, and it still does now. Back then, I followed the idea through because I was in a teenage fog of loneliness and a sense of abandonment because of my father, even if I played it off for laughs. It was a call for help, but it’s not like that call matters anyway, because I played it off like a joke where I am the victim in dire need of attention, and by the way the people in my path matter less, unless they’re my favorite, in which case they matter more.

Now that I have shown how my behavior was attention-seeking, I should explain how it truly was toxic. On it’s own, attention-seeking behavior is certainly excusable. People politely asking for hugs and the like is all fine in my book. Likewise, if I had truly listened and knew what my classmate was talking about with her tumblr-induced depression, oh man would I have saved myself. She did the right thing: she got out of it. She checked herself, if you will. I didn’t. Why? Well, that’s a different story.

I never want to defer blame from myself. I am entirely in the wrong for my toxic behavior. That being said, I would like to note how I got there, because it demonstrates why this entire callout post of myself matters. The reason why I was toxic was because I refused to change. I was so stuck in my ways I got defensive when I was called out and made a big huff and puff about how I was really the victim there guys. No matter how much I wanted to be better, I just couldn’t. Why not?

Honestly, I think it’s a combination of tumblr culture as a whole and because the people I looked up to encouraged the behavior. As a larger issue, tumblr culture was to blame. I was taught that my feelings were valid, and people should respect my feelings. I also thought that mental illness does not justify the bad behavior of people. The clash of these ideas and how I dealt with it is outstanding. I was taught that these lapses in being a reasonable human being were okay because gallows humor gets the laughs, and I want attention after all. Not only that, but I also was okay to put my victim self above another person and how they felt. I was a victim. Not only did I really just need someone to treat me like a human being, I also cause so much grief to other people in the process. Deflection, it’s called.

How did other people encourage the behavior? Well, some people who I will lump together justified me time and time again, acting as a passive observer of the calamity I caused. The people tried so hard to help, but they tried too hard to help. I didn’t need help; I needed a reality check. It didn’t help that these people were problematic themselves in different ways, which means it could have been a chicken-or-the-egg debacle where I could have simply overdid the actions of the group. I looked up to these people, whether it be due to a combination of loneliness, virtue signalling, and a clash of what I wanted from people, but also because, and I’m sorry if this sounds preachy, but I felt like there were people, just like me, who were broken souls -- victims I could fix. It was I, the great and almighty One, who could dig into who they were to fix them. I know so many people fall into this hole, but I justified it at the time by saying that it was okay because I knew what I was doing. I did not know what I was doing. In retrospect, they were comfortably sunken 6 inches, and I went 6 feet under. Sure, these people may have occasionally guilt tripped and used mental illness as an excuse, but I took it to such an extreme I was insufferable.

This is not a callout post for them, however. I am in the wrong here, and I most certainly was back then. I acted foolishly because I was lonely and needed validation, and I didn’t know how to respectfully ask for it. This was one of my lesser, but still important, takeaways from this - it’s okay to respectfully ask for validation. I’ve always been pretty averse to PDA because I haven’t had many respectful experiences with it, and while I still don’t fully appreciate it, my opinion is certainly a hell of a lot more nuanced now.

I do not know what part of this connected with you. Maybe it was me acting toxic, and you can see some of that in your former or current self. To you I say that it does not make you a bad person on it’s own. If you make a conscious effort to stay out of the attention trap I fell into, it’s okay. I got caught feeling bad and feeling like it was okay to feel bad. My emotional unrest was not fixed easily, and if I didn’t have my current girlfriend I don’t know if I’d still be in the rut. She taught me to be wrong. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s equally valid to ask for forgiveness. Maybe you’re the friend, and you wish that your friend would ask for this help and forgiveness. Please give them a reality check. In the summer when one of my friends cut into me for putting her down because I was all “I should be the center of attention I’m valid”, I initially acted in anger. How dare she be a reasonable human being, with wishes and desires to be respected? After that, I reacted not with bargaining or denial, but with a sort of cold half-assed acceptance, I’ll be honest. I was not good when I was like that, and it was my fault. Luckily, I at least said I was wrong and took some humility, which honestly helped me to act like a mature human being instead of a shriveled impoverished raisin who needs constant winds from the Gods to function. Finally, I would like to talk to those who know me personally. If you’ve read this far then I hope you know that I truly do apologize for how I acted, and I’m sorry I put you through the giant pity parties of despair and tragedy.

Don’t tolerate constant gallows humor. It only perpetuates attention-seeking victim-hood, and it left me in a rut which I bitched and moaned about having to leave. I would like to end on this: People are flawed and emotional, and on it’s own that’s okay. When their emotions cause people to behave with toxicity like I did last year, the problem arises. If someone you know acted or still acts like I did or worse, please help them. They’re validated by misery, and their resistance to be pulled out from their equally miserable rut only highlights how badly they need it.

Please accept that you can be wrong.

[princessfalene]

How to Self-Harm with Poetry

I had the most surreal experience today in writing class. I, along with the 9 other people in the class, had brought a selection of poems from my portfolio for everyone to read and critique. I was expecting for many, if not most, people to tell me my writing was too garish, melodramatic, maudlin. Outside of one person suggesting I write something cheerful because I was bringing her down, no one offered one single critique. To my shock, no one was able to offer one correction, or even a helpful suggestion, to any of it. Everyone said they were awed of my technique, my word choice, my style. Even though one poem was a love letter to anorexia and the other I had written on the tail end of a suicide note, nobody at all said anything about narcissism, malignance, or attention seeking. Not even a hint. Not one glimmer of disdain. As I took myself around the room to each amateur writer-slash-critic, they each said I had portrayed pain in a poignant, elegant, and deeply moving way. I was as elated as I was confused. Then I overheard an older lady arguing with a boy a little younger than myself. I made out the words, "It's clear you don't really understand the things you're... too young... this generation... suffering..." Ah. There was the ticket. Brandon had spiked green frosted tips and wore eyeliner. He wrote dark things, too. If anybody was going to perform a shattering exposee of my inner workings, it was going to be her. I asked her, once Brandon had skulked away into a corner, to read my work. Here it goes. Here comes the comfortable, familiar shame, I caught myself thinking. Go on, lady, tear me apart. Reinforce my worldview that I am nothing but a selfish leech and my words will never be enough to legitimize my ache for compassion. She did none of those things at all. She told me that she, too, had lived her life--all seventy-five years of it-- sickly and with an expiration date which she perpetually outran. She too passed every birthday with a growing sense of confusion that bordered on indignation. She too wondered what the hell she was doing still alive. She said my portrayal of my suffering was deeply eloquent, and the question of "When I am dead, will my life have meant something?" spoke of a lament with which I should not have had to grapple for many more decades. She said her heart broke on my behalf, she was afraid for me, and she hoped with all her heart I would stay alive because such moving poetry deserves more of itself. She said she hoped I was not still fighting whatever led me to write the poems I chose. Aside with being humbled, moved to the brink of tears, and deeply grateful. Shove all of that into the back closet. I told her, laughing, "...You're saying this to the girl in the mourning dress. I'm literally wearing a mourning dress right now. Of course I'm dark still." Not wanting to seem ungrateful, though, I thanked her wholeheartedly and told her I lacked the words to describe the depth of my emotion. I left class that day feeling as though I was a leap closer to conquering my presumed inadequacies. Until I began to wonder again what drew people to my poetry yet away from my personality. The same pain had given birth to both. Why did they not hate me, hate my work? Then I thought, what a strange thing to count on. What a horrible thing to expect. To wish for, even? Do I truly wish to be hurt? Why would I want her to react like that? Other than the fact that I think I'm going to cry if one more person pronounces my skills as worthy. And why would that, rather than criticism, bring me to tears? I don't understand why people don't like me, and then, to my confusion, I don't understand why they do!! Why in the nine hells do I look to be beaten for doing the one and only thing I feel I was put on this earth to do? Why do I offer myself up to people I shouldn't and brace myself to be insulted? Is it some kind of self-injurous behavior? It feels similar, in its aftermath. There is the same deep ache in the solar plexus, the same sense of shame, the same unfulfilled longing. Today I have had my fill. Today I have done well. Today I am worthy of sympathy. Today the black hole in me has given something to others that has stirred them, and their compassion is my reward. I will do my best to accept it. And meanwhile, I will ponder my uncanny relationship with criticism and disgust. You did it, Christine. Take the damn trophy and be happy. Let yourself bask in it for gods' sakes. Accept it.