#i truly cannot believe. i don't think i'll ever be able to do that fight again lmao

[merchantarthurn]

so i'm in a zone of temporarily unmedicated for adhd and the only thing i can reliably focus on are the sorts of Sudden, Unavoidable Problems that aren't really sustainable for motivation (unless i'm alright with my heart popping)

turns out Cazador Fight Music elicits such a sense memory of stress it's basically adderall to me. i've sent so many emails in the last hour. i'm so powerful.... unmatched in my emailing prowess.... one might even say ascendant--

[juniebugs]

assigning marvel heroes engineering majors (1)

i tried to write this so it makes sense even if you don't know much about engineering!! this post has my headcanons for peter parker, steve rogers, tony stark, and clint barton!!

as a preface, i am very aware that most of the marvel heroes would not in fact be in school for engineering even in an alternate universe. unfortunately, my fixation on both superheroes and engineering knows no bounds.

please feel free to ask me any questions about eng or for further explanation my reasons for these picks!! i am only in one type of eng but know many people in other disciplines so hopefully i'll be able to answer :)))

Peter Parker - Mechanical & Biomedical

I truly, truly believe the correct peter parker engineering take depends on what portrayal of spiderman you are looking at. like tobey's spiderman? would not touch biomed with a pole let alone mech. ... that peter parker is so far from engineer...... i dont even know where i would put him. materials? pls send your opinions if you have them.

BUT MCU, tom holland, spiderman would definitely definitely be in mechanical & biomedical. i actually got this from an irl friend, so if you see this somehow pls say hi LMAO

mechanical is one of the most common streams of eng and, while absolutely not something i ever want to touch, is really neat. it centers around keeping things in motion (contrary to civil engineering where if something is moving you're in trouble). it applies physics in really cool ways which i imagine would be a draw to peter just on the sole basis of personal interest. mech also plays with materials as it explores elasticity, deformation, fractures, yield strength, and other materials things i have blocked out LOL. when i think of that aspect i feel like it matches really well with the designed suit, the webs, and, if you listen to the science jargon he throws around in the movies, some of his prior knowledge.

biomedical engineering is actually used by some (the insane) as a gateway into med school. it covers human anatomy and genetic engineering (radioactive spider????). i do not believe peter would do med school too (because that student debt tho) but i also can't imagine him not trying to apply what he learns to helping others. i am personally partial to applying engineering principles to physiology and i can just imagine him implementing his mechanical knowledge into making prosthetics. if i had the brain power for this degree i would love to do that.

Steve Rogers - Civil Engineering

.... listen. steve rogers would fight a war before sitting in an hour lecture about dirt. i know this and acknowledge this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER,,,, I have a friend in civil with a special interest on sustainable design and you cannot, cannot tell me that isn't steven rogers coded.

civil engineering is not architecture, like at all, which i think is a common misconception if you don't know engineering well ( totally understandable!) unfortunately, i don't think civil caters to his artistic side that well but as someone who likes art but only does it as a hobby next to eng, i think thats okay.

civil engineering is kind of the mother to environmental engineering in the sense that they both look into wastewater treatments, geology, and even environmental planning (in some cases) but civil will also go into more detail with structural components and design of buildings. you'll find civil engineers involved in every building being made and in every town council ensuring clean drinking water and working sewage systems. typically they specialize into one or the other but shhhh ignore that for this post.

what i am trying to say here is that this would give steve a shit ton of wiggle room which i think he would use to help both the environment and people. paying engineers is expensiveeee especially for qualified, capable ones. i think steve would find deep satisfaction in working either for free or for the bare minimum cost (not that you should - know your worth :) ) and i think that he would actively use his work to call out designs that endanger communities or their environments.

this man knows his local engineering ethics code and WILL call someone out.

Tony Stark - Engineering Physics

when i started writing this section i thought it was going to be the easiest but unfortunately i did in fact have to phone a friend. tony stark is THE engineer so narrowing him down to one discipline felt impossible. my friend suggested engineering physics so i went with that.

the thing is eng phys is THE engineering degree. it is wonderful because you look at almost every thing mech, elec, and comp related (will explain more below) without specializing too greatly. it is also difficult because you don't specialize. for tony stark, who did not have to go into that internship grindset mentality, it would all be net positives.

to make the suit i immediately knew tony needed to have an extremely good knowledge on BOTH electrical (circuitry, coding, wires, magnetism, fun stuff) and mechanical (explained in peter's section!!). i was considering a double major but then was stumped because i love my elec and mech friends but they have no desire to produce a new element and also... creating an arc reactor??? plus AI's??? while likely related to software, it he would have bare minimum had to have had a good computer engineering (kind of how it sounds, engineering related to building and using computers and components of computers, lots of overlap w/ elec) background.

to wield the amount of science knowledge tony stark has an be able to apply it in an engineering context he would either have to be a genius (which like canonically he is so yknow) or take every course offered to engphys students (and some).

i think as a student he would have also enjoyed that not having to specify aspect. i imagine him always in the pursuit of knowledge. yay eng physics!!!

Clint Barton - Materials Engineering

If you've read the reasonings for some of the characters above you have likely thought to yourself "wow, such clear arguments, time must have been put into this" which like yes but also no because for this decision i am going exclusively on vibes.

materials focuses on, well, materials. it looks at both composition and properties (plus how composition effects properties). my friends in matls tell me its pretty research heavy which doesn't really fit with clint, i am aware. but every person i have met from this faculty i am convinced would get along with him.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T GREAT REASONING. i think that engineering would always be second to other things or interests in his life (even when he's a student) but I think the promise of a stable job and the hypothetical applications are really interesting. matls and mech can be surprisingly similar and i think he would find more satisfaction in manipulating materials to better fit his goals than in being stuck within predefined constraints.

plus, imagine creating a new material for like the tensile strength of your bow. incredibly cool

I'm thinking i'll work on doing more of these as i find the time!! i definitely have a few ideas for other characters, i just need to figure out how to articulate my reasonings haha.

if you have any ideas or shared interest in engineering and superheroes please let me know!! i have also been recently into the bat family, as you could probably tell by my reblogs, and am thinking of doing a version with them also!!

[trungles]

Regarding your winter romcoms: just wanted to say you have truly IMPECCABLE taste in films (which is to say that we have the *same* movie taste), and it makes me love you/your art all the more. Any other suggestions? Ultimte favorite films? Do share!

HELLO, it has been a hot dang minute since I did one of these, and I'm pretty sure this question was dropped into my inbox closer to Christmas of 2022. So. Thank you very much for your kind words, anonymous, and apologies for the very long delay!

This is a fun question, though, so I really wanted to answer it eventually. Forgive the typos, grab your popcorn and your Red Vines (the best licorice-ish candy, I WILL FIGHT YOU no I won't but I love them), and let's go through my favorite comfort-watch movies. They're mostly rom-coms and coming-of-age movies for teens.

As a general caveat, I am not a big movie person at all. I know basically nothing about film. You will find no sensitive critique or analysis here. My favorite movies are all VIBES. I'm also not a big horror/thriller/bloody violence sort of person, so I don't watch many of those, which is weird because a goodly number of my dearest friends are horror film buffs. Also, I have made it a habit, in my adulthood, to go watch movies that I wasn't allowed to watch or didn't have access to as a kid. I'm a first-and-a-half generation immigrant to the United States, so my way of getting comfortable with American culture was to sort of approximate its vibes by absorbing its popular culture almost anthropologically? So in this post I'll maybe go over why I like it, and I might mention some of the things that have not aged super well because, as I'm sure you know, every single thing ever made cannot help being a product of the time it was made. I believe in being able to watch these things critically, enjoying them as they are, understanding that everybody's mileage may vary, and that not everything I like will be for everyone. I'm mostly including this bit because it's internet and people don't always know how to simply disengage with things they don't like.

In my Winter Movie post, I recommended The Holiday, When Harry Met Sally, Single All the Way, Moonstruck, and While You Were Sleeping, so I won't go over those again. Let's kick this off with something to help manage everybody's expectations.

The McG-directed Charlie's Angels movies, 2000 and 2003. Both of them.

I actually saw the second one first. It was one of the first PG-13 movies I ever saw in theatres, and it sort of just imprinted in my psyche, I think? They're just fun. They're real fuckin' fun. Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore have great onscreen chemistry, and the cheesy wire-fu sequences are so ham-fisted that they delight me. These movies know exactly what they are, and they're very up-front about being Movies, particularly the second one where every scene seems to have an Old Hollywood pastiche. The first one has a bit of very odd brownface moments that I did not love upon rewatch.

Singin' in the Rain, 1952

I saw this movie for the first time when I was in middle school, and I was absolutely obsessed. It was the very first time I realized that the movies had its own histories, and that there was a transition of culture when there was a change in technology. Also, I just loved watching Gene Kelly dance, for gay reasons. Plus, Rita Moreno is in it for a split second, and she's divine.

Clueless, 1995

This movie rules, I don't know what else to say. It's a fantastic Austen adaptation, and while I was too young to catch this in the 90s, it felt great catching up with this one as an adult. I think it also helped me contextualize what other kids were into in the 90s, so I retroactively feel less isolated from my peers. It's a weird sort of magic. It's also strange to me, in hindsight, that in 1995 there was an enormous hit teen movie where there is a gay character who is treated incredibly lovingly for the time? Like, no gay trauma, no homophobic bullying, no nothing. He's just there, and he gets folded into the rest of the story and remains important to the main character's life? I'd have loved that as a kid.

Shanghai Noon, 2000

The year 2000 was an incredible time for goofy action comedies, and this one was formative for me. It's extremely silly and embarrassing to admit, but this movie was the first time I learned about how Chinese railroad workers built the transcontinental railroads in the later 1800s. I first saw it as a rental from the local video store, and my parents let me watch it because my dad liked Jackie Chan movies. It's... very 2000 in its treatment of racial politics, but you could reasonably argue that not too much has changed since.

The Princess Bride, 1987

I don't need to explain this to anyone.

Four Weddings and a Funeral, 1994

God, you can see the accent on Hugh Grant's mouth. I don't know why I love this movie as much as I do. I came to it a bit later in my teen years, and I'd watch it again every few years. It's grown on me more and more as the years go on. It's the only British-American ensemble production that I really latched onto, and it's in no small part because the supporting cast is so much fun to watch.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, 1953

This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I watch it probably three or four times a year. Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell star as two showgirls who embark on a cruise to France to work around the machinations of an old millionaire who refuses to let his son marry Monroe's character. It's got that iconic Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend number, and it has one of the best third-act thesis statement speeches I've ever heard in any era. It's a great old musical.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, 2008

This is a gem that I missed back in 2008 because I was graduating high school at the time and had other things going on (being queer at a Catholic high school in the 2000s sucked ass, btw, let this ol' geezer tell ya). Frances McDormand plays a conservative governess who can't hold down a job because she, being a preacher's daughter, is a morally upright Amelia Bedelia. Out of desperation, she scams her way into becoming the social secretary for a bubbly young actress played by Amy Adams, and they spend a wild and heartwarming day together where Frances McDormand's character navigates wartime, friendship, and romance. This is also the movie that made me develop an embarrassing crush on Lee Pace (not because Lee Pace is embarrassing, I just hate having crushes on famous actors because I know, at the end of the day, that they're just weird theatre kids who have money now). It's based on a novel written in 1938, and it's aged surprisingly well.

Sailor Moon SuperS, 1995

I borrowed the VHS for this movie from the library as often as I could in the second or third grade. It was the one movie I had memorized in my brain to the extent that I could just recite the dub to myself whenever I wanted. Plus, Chibi Moon was my favorite (do not @ me, I will fight you).

Waiting to Exhale, 1995

I don't know how I caught this one as a kid or which channel aired it, but Waiting to Exhale–starring Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine, and Lela Rochon–was something I saw pieces of when I was way too young to understand any of it, and it was a joy to revisit it as an adult. I've since seen it a few times. This endlessly gif'd scene pictured above is every bit as cathartic as it looks, and the soundtrack is incredible.

The Mummy, 1999

Yeah yeah, this is an incredibly unsurprising and safe pick, but the movie is so much damn fun, and Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz have the most belligerently bisexual energy ever shared between a heterosexual pairing. I don't know how else to explain it.

Sister Act 2, 1993

I saw this one on TV a lot, and I watched it from top to bottom every single time. I don't think I've ever actually seen the first one.

Adventures in Babysitting, 1987

I found this movie incredibly delightful, and I'm pretty sure I watched it in adulthood because I was looking for this movie I'd only seen in bits and pieces on TV as a kid or something. It stars Elizabeth Shue and a very young Anthony Rapp. Plot-wise, it's very much like Lord of the Rings if Gandalf were a plucky teen girl and the hobbits were a bunch of literal children. I'm not kidding. It's also an 80s movie about a bunch of white suburbanites who have adventures in Chicago, so there are a couple cringey moments, but by the standards of its time, nothing wildly egregious. Bonus points for a surprise appearance by strapping young Vincent D'Onofrio.

Pretty in Pink, 1986, and Some Kind of Wonderful, 1987, double-feature.

I put these two together because they're the same movie, but gender-swapped. They're both written by John Hughes and directed by Howard Deutch, so they have the same very ineffectual Reagan-era flattening of class consciousness. They're about a poor girl/boy protagonist who falls in love with a rich boy/girl. The protagonist develops a richer relationship with their beleaguered father character and develop a better understanding of themselves, kind of. John Hughes teen comedy-dramas are significant, I think, because they're some of the first blockbuster teen movies that took teens and their feelings seriously, wrote from their perspectives, and courted teens as an audience (for all kinds of historical and economic reasons between the 70s and the 80s, I'm sure, but I'm no expert). They're also more watchable than some of the other John Hughes teen movies; Sixteen Candles is basically unwatchable to me.

Porco Rosso, 1992

I told myself I could only pick one Ghibli movie for this list, and this is it. Porco Rosso might be my favorite Ghibli movie, which might seem like an odd choice for me. Like a lot of millennials who were teens when Spirited Away came out, I got really into the Ghibli catalogue in the late 2000s but had seen some Ghibli movies much earlier in my life. My first was technically Grave of the Fireflies. I was eight, and came away with the notion that if I left my little brother alone, who was five at the time, the adults around us would just let him die, so I had to watch him as carefully as I could. I became an incredibly anxious and overbearing older brother very early. Next, I'd see the Buena Vista release of Kiki's Delivery service, so I have a soft spot for all the Sydney Forest pop songs they inserted in the 90s dub of that movie. By the time I watched Porco Rosso, I'd seen most of the rest of the Ghibli catalogue, but it really stood out to me. Most of Miyazaki's protagonists are girls, but this one is a kids' feature about a middle-aged man with a pig's head. In hindsight, I think I loved it because it is one of those rare children's narratives that conflates femininity with practicality and masculinity with frivolous ostentatiousness. It's worth a watch!

Say Anything... , 1989

This is one of those teen movies where they take small, mundane problems and make them enormous, which I sort of love as a storytelling tool. John Cusack plays Lloyd, a high school underachiever who falls in love with the valedictorian, and you watch him experience true internal motivation for the first time in his young life. It's very cute! I think the thing this sort of teen movie gets really right about being a teenager is you don't really have a sense of scale for your problems at that age because all your problems are just problems you're encountering for largely the first time. Ione Skye's valedictorian character experiences a pretty devastating family issue with her father, but it's flattened into the same strata as her anxiety about flying, her first breakup, and her feelings of isolation and remove from her peers. Plus Lili Taylor is in this as Lloyd's best friend character, and she's great, just like in the next movie on this list...

Mystic Pizza, 1988

I couldn't decide which gif I wanted to use for this movie, so I just picked two. It's another slice-of-life teen comedy-drama, and it's real cozy. The performances from all the young actors are fantastic. Lili Taylor, Annabeth Gish, and Julia Roberts are great in this, plus you get to see strapping young Vincent D'Onofrio again, which is a treat. He gets to do a lot more in this one. At this point it's worth noting that 80s teen movies are obsessed with romances among young people across different social strata, and true to the Reagan era, the movies like to impress upon its audiences that hating rich people is the same as hating poor people (cue heavy eyeroll). This honestly explains a lot of things to me about today's political discourses, I think.

To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018

I enjoyed this Netflix movie so much that I watched it 16 or 17 times in the month after its release. It's fine, I'm fine. I don't know exactly what it was. I love rom coms. I've seen a ton of high school romance movies, and this one hit me really hard for some reason.

And that's everything I could come up with off the very top of my head. I think I hit something like 20 movies up there? Whew! That's my evening, but it was the only thing I could focus on for more than an hour at a time today.

[yellow-faerie]

Prompt List 4

Here is another prompt list for you! Please send me a character/ship/anything that you think might be interesting, and I'll write something!

"Look, before you go in there, just promise me you won't say anything."

"Oh darling, if only I could love you."

"Consider yourself uninvited from my birthday party."

"How about we all just sit down and think about what we're saying?"

"For once in your miserable life would you just fucking listen to me."

"I don't fight God unless given an incredibly good incentive."

"Don't. Just don't say it. Please."

"Where on earth did you find this?"

"That's my diary. Don't tell me you've been going through my diary for light bedtime reading."

"You need to calm down before someone gets hurt."

"There's a pub down the street that sells really shit beer. You look like you might need it."

"Don't touch my kid again. Consider yourself warned."

"I once watched [him/her/them] punch a man in the face only to go home and cry over the kittens I'd left on [his/her/their] doorstep."

"You need to leave before I call someone."

"I can't believe you've done this!"

"How did you manage to fuck up this badly?"

"Oh no. I've been kidnapped. Whatever shall I do?"

"Don't walk away from me!"

"You had better turn around right this second and tell me what you were about to say!"

"Stop leaving me behind!"

"Sometimes I think I cannot love you more and then you go and do things like this."

"I could never hate you. Not truly."

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fall in love?"

"This isn't a fairytale! You don't get to have your happy ending forever!"

"I forget what your face looks like if I close my eyes too long. It scares me."

"Don't die on me. Not again."

"Sweetheart, stop! You'll make me drop the bowl!"

"I know you want me to leave but please, just hear me out."

"How long have you been sitting on the doorstep? Don't you have a key?"

"For what it's worth, I don't think you're a bad person."

"Have you considered solving your problems with arson?"

"Take me away from here. Please."

"I don't think you understand: there's no ulterior motive, I just miss you and I want you here."

"I'm sorry, about your [father/mother/parent]. I know what it's like, to lose someone you're close to."

"You look like you need a cake. Or a hug. Maybe both?"

"When I'm with you, I feel real - like I can be myself, and I have nothing to be scared about."

"You look like someone tried to drown you in that rain. Go and run yourself a bath and I'm going to find a pot of tea."

"Tomorrow could be the perfect day if we just let it be."

"[Name], I hate you. I hate you so much I can't help but love you."

"Stop look at me like that. I'm not going to tell you."

"That constellation there? That one's my favourite."

"How did you manage to break it this time?"

"I was hoping you might be able to point me in the direction of the closest city. I seem to have got a bit...lost."

"Say that again to my face and see if I like it."

"Take what I say with a pinch of salt, I don't have the best memory at the best of times."

"Is that a child? How did you get a child?"

"Don't ask me what happened, I honestly couldn't tell you."

"Forever is a long time. Are you sure you want to spend it with me?"

"Never doubt that I will always protect you."

"I loved you once. Long ago. Do you remember?"

[samtheflamingomain]

typhoon tycoon

There's only 3 simulation games I've ever played: Sims (so technically 4 there) Roller Coaster Tycoon (RCT) and Zoo Tycoon (ZT).

Not even 2 or 3 - the base ZT game. I still do not fuck with 2 or 3 and I'm really not sure why.

But I think I'll discover why as I explain why I hate real-life zoos, love fake zoos, hate Roller Coaster Tycoon but love real roller coasters.

See, designing roller coasters, even in 1, is boring. Hmm, do I want a 30% incline or a 40? Let's spend 15 hours testing which specific piece of track is the one launching my guests into orbit instead of back to the station.

But designing enclosures for animals that won't ever be harmed, without an immediate failure mechanic? Sign me up.

And there it is, I realized why I like 1 over the newer ones: isometric, limited view. 2 invites the user to play in first-person… from the point of view of the animal. Maybe I'm a speshul snowflake but it seems a bit dystopic to be able to view the world from an imprisoned animal.

Also it came with an insanely OP function by which you can simply click a button to tell you what grass and trees a giraffe likes, how many, and one rock can make a 10% difference.

*Hikes up suspenders* back in MY DAY, we had to read the brief about the actual animal and find the names of trees and terrain and figure it out yourself until you got old enough to learn Excel and make the entire game a spreadsheet and then it's not as fun. Just me? Anyway.

The reason I brought Coaster Tycoon into my AAA-level hockey fight that is my argument is that I truly cannot believe the vast dichotomy between these two games.

I am familiar with the history of RCT - and it's absolutely fascinating. Coded in one of the most frustratingly esoteric language in 1996 by one man, ONE MAN, it's actually an incredible story.

Again, I LOVE roller coasters, but no matter how interesting its story is, I just can't stand building a coaster park. I think this is me not liking to see how the sausage gets made if that makes sense. I want to go on crazy fast scary coasters. And the minute I step into the coaster car, I take on the absolute possibility that this insanely complex machine could lose one nut and bolt and launch me into the sun or straight down to hell. Why? Because it wasn't build by me. Maybe I'm naïve but I trust Wonderland. They have 0 deaths. I'll take the chance and enjoy those wild 90 seconds spinning around and looping and being pinned to my seat by centrifugal force. Because a real engineer bent over backward to make sure this structure is so safe that it accounts for double the level of stupidity humans are capable of.

Building them in-game, to me, is boring - I just want the end product. And ride on it. If I were to build a good coaster, I'd almost be mad that I couldn't ride it in real life. First-person mode does nothing for me.

Back to Zoo Tycoon. I HATE real-life zoos. Yes, seeing an elephant up close is truly a deeply incredible experience, but at least for me, it will always be tainted by the intrusive thought, "She should be out roaming the African Savannah, not in Toronto, Canada".

It's such a different experence to build zoos in a game where the animal is a jpeg and you actually get penalized - but not instantly failed - for not taking proper care of them, forcing you to build the most humane of zoos that's possible. Neopets ripped them off.

And, at the same time, actually learning about the animals in the process. I know SO MUCH about animals because of ZT needing me to figure out their favourite tree and their preferred number of roommates.

You can go the Sims route and put a panther in the same enclosure as an unfortunate okapi and get that sadistic "drowning Sims in the pool by removing the ladder" feel that I personally don't understand but it's enough of a phenomenon that I don't think it's a reflection of one's potential psychopathy diagnosis. A discussion for another day.

But it brings me to one thing that's very different that I've yet to touch on: God. Have you heard the Good Word? Me neither.

Sims - God-power. Zoo Tycoon - God-power. RCT? Engineer-power. Sorry boys, your degree isn't quite on par with Jesus.

I hope that makes sense because I can't really explain it much more. RCT, of all the Tycoons, is so insanely specific, meticulous, and anti-thetical to its property. Roller coasters are supposed to be thrilling 90-second experiences, not dragging 90-minute slogs. But again, ONE MAN code.

That's mostly it, but a few straggling thoughts: I really love animals. I struggle to think of any I actively dislike - even dogs I've come around to. So I hate the practice of keeping them in captivity. But I don't hate the idea.

I've always had this oddly-specific plan if I were to become a billionaire: buy out every zoo on the planet, send the animals to sanctuaries or home if possible. Then, instead, spend 5 years investing in an immersive VR that puts you in an animal's habitat to observe. If zoos are for learning, there's no reason the animal actually needs to be there. Don't believe me? Planitariums. Do the planets' absence from such attractions mean one can't learn about them? *passes joint*

But one last thing that's always bothered me is this: what, if anything, could RCT do that would make me like it? And at first I couldn't think of anything, because it is, at its core, an engineering game, and I'm not an engineer.

It definitely wouldn't work as a ZT. Reading about roller coaster building standards is not as engaging as reading about real animals and their habitats. That's an entire game mechanic missing from RCT.

But also, plopping down pre-made coasters without any customization options wouldn't hit. So, to be honest and maybe hypocritical for criticizing without answers, I don't know. RCT is very unique among the Tycoons.

I think another element is stakes. Having one rusty fence on the monkey cage is alarming, but one rusty post on a coaster is catastrophic. Even if your rhino gets out, it's a matter of common sense intervention. If your coaster simply won't run start to finish, often it feels like a set of code that won't run and you just don't know why. It's frustrating. It's hard to get frustrated with animals.

I think that's about it. Again, just some randomly assembled thoughts, honestly not up to my usual posts but it's quite hard to put how I feel about these games into real words.

Stay Greater.

[leoraannexx]

uhm.

hello. i'm here, trying to let all these thoughts out again while in the coffee shop. there's something sad about staying at home. i am not comfortable with my parents around. i've seen them change in the way they treat me. i see the lack of curiosity, the lack of interest not because i have judged them, but because i don't receive the same degree of love anymore. they would always prompt me of not being a kid anymore and that i must be able to handle adulting myself. but as time goes by, the freedom that i feel makes me even more guilty because one of my desires is to be closer to them and to become more aware of their needs and wants. all of that didn't happen because my father changed, he started ignoring me and my mother also started to pacify everyone around her, deflecting the negatives all of the time, making her insensitive to other's needs. Like I always say to my friends, I never thought that this relationship will come to that point. I'm so frustrated with the fact that they will not ever change and they will never acknowledge me in the way i wanted to be accepted --- the most sensitive one, but the most genuine one.

The house doesn't feel like a home anymore and I feel truly sad for my siblings as well because they make their own way to escape by staying in their rooms or going out of the house and not returning for days. I cannot blame them because my father wanted to establish authority and wanted to be provided with all his needs while he's at home which make us really uncomfortable with the present situation.

There were so many times wherein my father raised voice on me, I raised voice on him once but since then, he never greeted me on my birthday, didn't do anything to understand and acknowledge my feelings, instead, he ignores me and makes me feel like crap because he shows me that he loves our dogs better than he appreciates me. My father and mother didn't want to face the truth: that they want to control me but i don't like to, and they don't want me to be in a relationship but i want to... and that's how our household is being ruined daily. I feel jealous of my siblings because they were able to get a hold of themselves and able to handle all the negative energy in the house. I'm way too vulnerable to such feelings, I cannot last long if I persisted fighting for my rights and in what I believe in. As much as I wanted to be understood, now I have given up and don't want to be involved in anything with the family. I love them but I am going to love them distantly through prayers. I cannot be physically near them anymore, the emotional neglect lead to anxiety and great depression. I am always scared of my life being around them because I know I cannot overcome my weaknesses when they gaslight me and blame me for my own mental health vulnerability.

I wanted to go away, I badly wanted to. But I am happy with the lifestyle I have -- the work of helping charity patients, the leisure of having a time for rest and for staying at coffee shops for reflections. But lately, something is bothering me, something is knocking on my heart, telling me to move forward and be the best version of myself. For all the times I felt homesick, I think it's time to continue living for myself, to seek for my own growth and not be living in the shadows of my parents anymore. From all of my mental health struggles, now I am feeling something optimistic within me, that I need to be better, I just have to do something about it.

For now, for as long as I am here, I will do my best to be strong, and to understand the negativity around me with my whole faith and trust in the Lord. I may not survive in the long run (you know why), but maybe I can still manage to survive in some of my days.

'Til then, i'll be back soon.

Love.

[leahseclipse]

Nothing ever lasts forever | E.M

STRANGER THINGS 4 VOL 2 SPOILERS

Pairing: Eddie Munson x gen!reader

Warnings: Death of important character, death mention, possible light mentions of s1-s4 pt1, graphic details

A/N: I'm sobbing too

It's been hard.

Incredibly hard without you around. I can't believe this isn't some dream, or hell, Vecna taking me in a very long trance. I wished it would be that for a while.

That, just a moment, it wouldn't be true. That you would just be there again. That I would still be in your room, surrounded by the heavy metal music, the scent of cigarettes, and your arms around me. The warmth of your body, and your breath tickling my skin as you kissed me.

I don't think I will ever love someone the way I loved you. I don't think anyone could ever make me feel like you did. I feel like a void every since that day, I stopped crying because I don't have anything left in me, I'm pretty sure I cried all the water I had.

For a moment, I waited the moment where I'd feel your fingers wipe my tears away. You would always do that whenever I cried, and now a stupid tissue has to replace you.

I won't see you again.

That's why I have to accept. But I don't want to, I don't think I can. I've known you for too long that I'm not sure I'm able to live without you.

You were one of my best friends, we've gone through hell and back together, almost died a couple times, but we've made it out, together. Every time.

You were supposed to have made it out. You weren't supposed to leave me standing all alone. Neither the others.

Having to see Dustin's smile disappear when he saw me come out the portal alone was the worst thing I've ever have to witness. I held him as he sobbed uncontrollably, as I told him what you told me before dying.

If everything goes back to normal after this, I promise we won't split up the Hellfire club. I will fight for it to stay, it cannot be shutdown. It's what you dedicated part of your life to.

I never understood a thing in the game, but I still came everytime, sitting with a book in the corner while I heard you and the others scream for hours. I stayed each time to put back everything in place, and walked out of the school with you.

Now, it'll probably stay empty for a while. The school might be closed for a bit, and the news didn't make it easy. They've promoted the club as a 'satanic cult', and everyone probably believed that.

If only they knew what this club meant. All the people in it, the memories, the bond we shared. It wasn't just a club, but also a family. You made sure everyone felt welcome there.

You took Dustin, Mike and Lucas under your wing when no one else did. They grew with you, became more confident, because you kept telling them to not care about others. To simply be yourself, because trying to be like someone else was 'completely and utterly ridiculous'.

We were sort of like... Parents for them. We looked after them as much as we could. Tried to protect them from everyone who tried to hurt them.

I would've almost kicked Jason in the face for harassing you if it wasn't for Steve separating us.

It took time for you to like him, you two have had fights before, but then the whole Vecna thing happened, and it somehow brought you closer.

He's been the one that's been checking up on me these last days, trying to bring me out and change my mind.

He's sort of saved me, I was doing kind of badly in my room, blinds closed, wearing the same clothes. I was a mess, yeah. I can admit that.

I can see it's hard on him too, but he doesn't show it. He's always been the type to keep things to himself, especially when others had problems. He preferred to comfort rather than be comforted.

Talking about comforting, I talked to your uncle with Dustin, the other day. He really cared about you, always believed you were innocent from the start, no matter what everyone said. He loved you, truly.

I'll make sure to visit him from time to time, we'll look after him, don't worry.

About the others, well, Mike and Eleven reunited, Nancy and Jonathan as well, Lucas ended up fine, but Max didn't.

She died, and then she came back. Ever since, she's been in a coma. No one knows if and when she'll wake up. We can just hope for the best, that's all we can do, unfortunately.

I guess it's back to me, again. I'm still not fine, but it'll be okay, eventually, in a few days, a few weeks, or hell, years. I don't know.

I don't even know if I could date anyone else. Maybe I will, but when I'll be ready. I don't wish to hurt anyone else, so I want to be sure.

I won't forget you, ever. You'll always be part of my life, I swear.

Most of the town doesn't see you as a hero but we will. I'll scream it as loud as I can to anyone who speaks of you badly.

I loved you, and will always love you. I hope you're not in pain anymore. I hope you're in peace now.

I guess I've told everything for now. I'll write again about you, promise.

I love you forever and always, Munson.

See you.

— your best friend.

[alirhi]

...goddess help me...

This fucking episode. *deep breath* This... This episode is where I'm expecting to get some serious hate. Let me just get this out of the way right up front:

I. Hate. Zemo.

I do not find him sympathetic, or funny, or charming. I find him creepy and annoying. I did not like him in CA:CW and I do not like him in TFATWS. If you are pro-Zemo, you are not going to like my version of this show from here on out. Just find something else to read and don't bother me about it. You've got the actual canon, so go enjoy that.

Got it? Good. Now, on to the main event!

Episode 3: The Power Broker

First of all, Sam doesn't let Bucky walk in there alone. No matter Bucky's (flimsy and nonsensical) argument, Sam's like "hell no. I go in with you, or you don't go in." The main reason for this isn't to keep Bucky from breaking Zemo out of prison (with decent writing, he would never do that) - it's so that Sam witnesses Zemo taunting Bucky with/about the trigger words. because Zemo is a piece of shit.

Since he doesn't know the full story, Sam is confused, but he files this interaction away to ask Bucky about later. He's listening to Zemo acknowledging that Bucky was "not conscious for most of [his] imprisonment" (which, yes, clearly refers to the time he spent frozen, but can also mean while he was under their control as TWS/"The Asset" - also, key word: imprisonment) and when he calls Bucky a means to an end, Sam scowls, looking ready to go off on him, but he waits. They've got more important issues.

Neither of them entertains the thought of breaking Zemo out for even a nanosecond. He does that shit himself. And literally the only reason I'm sticking with him getting out at all is because I want to address some truly egregious moments linked directly to him in the show. Zemo makes them think he's setting them on the trail when really he's just sending them to his motor pool. Bucky and Sam are confused until they see Zemo in his stolen guard uniform, then they're both angry and want to ship him right back to prison, but he strikes a deal with them: "My help for my temporary freedom. Creating super soldiers cannot be allowed to continue; let me finish my work, and then do with me as you will." He has no intention of going quietly back to prison, obviously, and they're not stupid enough to believe otherwise, but they believe they can keep him on a short leash, so they agree for now. Anything to bring down the Flag Smashers and whoever created them.

After the title, we cut to Raynor on the phone in her office. She's agitated, fiddling with things on her desk. "No, sir," she's practically growling, "it was disrupted. - Walker did! - It's not my fault your new attack dog got off-leash!" She pauses, huffs, and says more calmly, "No. Of course not. I'm sorry. - Well, I don't see how, with the new Cap strutting around barking orders! - What am I supposed to do? Tell Captain America in front of a dozen witnesses that he can't have his predecessor's favorite pet because we're not done reprogramming him? I didn't see that going over too well. I made a call. - No. No, no, no, we can still use him. The work's not finished, but he still trusts me. He'll be back." A pause as she listens. Angry again, she snaps, "What do you want me to do, shove a tracker up his ass? He'll be back, and we'll pick right back up where we left off! - Don't worry, sir, the Asset will be fully compliant and ready to use soon. I'll make sure of it. - Yes, sir. You, too." She hangs up and tosses her phone on the couch, grumbling, "Dick."

Cut back to Sam, Bucky, and Zemo getting going on their trip to Madripoor. On the plane, Sam wants to talk to Bucky about what he's learned so far, but doesn't want to bring it up in front of Zemo... until the notebook incident reminds him that Zemo already knows more about Bucky than he does.

After Zemo's line about the list, Sam angrily corrects him: "You mean people HYDRA used The Winter Soldier to hurt." When Zemo shrugs and his response is basically along the lines of "what's the difference" Sam is like "oh hell no."

"Those words you were reciting at him," he reminds Zemo, "what were they, Russian? They clearly meant something. They were supposed to do something. What are they?" "Sam, let it go," Bucky pleads, unable to look at either of them. "It's nothing." "You wanna drown in your guilt, that's fine," Sam snaps, "but make sure it's for the right reasons." He turns back to Zemo, who's smiling at this exchange because he's a monster and thinks Bucky's suffering is fucking funny. "I asked you a question, Zemo. What did those words do?" "They activate the Winter Soldier programming," Bucky grudgingly admits. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he's sure as hell not going to let Zemo speak for him. "Or, they did, before the Wakandans got all that shit out of my head." "It's a shame," Zemo says with a smirk. "Imagine the possibilities that come with perfect obedience." "I think you mean 'slavery'," Sam growls, "and I think you're in the wrong crowd to be looking so pleased about it. Remember that we can send your ass back to prison any time." "Of course," Zemo agrees, but with an arrogant smile that shows he doesn't believe for a second that these two have any real power over him. Still, he bides his time and sits back quietly, watching Bucky fidget with the notebook. Sam turns back to Bucky, seeing his discomfort; he won't let the topic go, though, not yet. He just softens his tone. "So, they 'activated the Winter Soldier'? What exactly does that mean?" Bucky shrugs, still not looking up. "Pretty much what he said - perfect obedience. What little consciousness they left me between cryo and the chair was squashed down, locked away. And I did whatever I was told, exactly the way they told me to." It finally clicks. He'd had his suspicions before, of course, but now Sam gets it. Visibly horrified, he stares at this quiet, broken man, and finally sees the truth of what he'd been through for 70 years: "They stripped away your autonomy. Shit, Bucky, they didn't even let you be a person. That's..." He swallows, looking like he'll be sick any minute. "That's awful, man. I'm so sorry." When Bucky tries to shrug it off and downplay it again, Sam gets angry. "Look at me!" He waits; it takes a few seconds, but Bucky reluctantly looks up and is surprised to see just how upset Sam is on his behalf. "It wasn't your fault. None of it. When Steve said you didn't have a choice, I had no idea... You really, truly had no choice; not even the ability to choose. That's horrifying." "I doubt it would make much difference to the people he's killed," Zemo points out snidely. "Or their families. Let's ask Tony Stark, shall we?" "You shut the hell up," Sam growls. He watches Bucky flinch and make that face - the face he's starting to really fucking hate - that says he agrees with Zemo. Bucky still can't see things the way Sam does; he still feels the guilt and shame, and even when he himself pointed out his lack of agency under HYDRA, it didn't click for him that Sam is right, not Zemo.

It's too much, too soon. Sam sees that and decides to change the subject, to give Bucky some time to process. He nods at the notebook, and they have their little Marvin Gaye debate, where Sam is over the top about it on purpose, because Bucky needs the distraction.

Of course, Zemo ruins it by opening his big mouth again and reminding Bucky of more trauma: his time fighting in WWII. That's why Sam latches onto the bit about Madripoor; to keep the focus not only on the task at hand, but off of Bucky's past that he clearly still can't cope with.

"James... You will have to become someone you claim is gone." Sam is officially ready to throw Zemo out a window. 😂 The only reason he doesn't jump to Bucky's defense again and basically tell Zemo to fuck himself (in a PG-13 way 🙄) is because Bucky's, as Sam pointed out in ep2, a grown-ass man, and because he's just learned how few decisions this poor man has been able to make in his life. Sam doesn't want to come across as another "handler," deciding everything for him, even if he does think this plan is stupid and needlessly cruel.

At the bar, when asked if he wants "the usual", Sam just casually waves the bartender off like "nah". Zemo already said they had business to attend to, so it's not like anyone would be suspicious that now's probably not a good time to be doing weird shots lol. (wtf even was that? I'm not sure I want to know, but...what part of the snake did he drop into that drink?)

Sam's not an idiot (I'm really so sick of this trend of turning intelligent characters into morons because the writers can't think of any other way to move their plot along) so his cell phone has been off this whole time. No sudden call from Sarah to put them all in danger. There was really no point to that, anyway; Sharon likely would have killed Selby for talking about Nagle with or without the excuse of "saving" Sam and Bucky. I mean, it's not like they know who fired that shot, ever.

"They cleared the Bionic Staring Machine," Sam still jokes, but he follows it with, "and they think he's a mass-murderer." "They think?" Sharon stares at him incredulously. "Didn't he kill pretty much everyone he's ever met?" "Wow." Sam glances back at Bucky. "She really is awful now." To Sharon, he adds, "You met Steve; do you really think he'd have defied 117 countries to protect someone evil?" "He did it for Bucky," she points out. "Let's face it - Bucky could blow up half the planet, and Steve's loyal-to-a-fault ass would still take a bullet for him." "You know I'm sitting right here, right? I can hear you." "Look, I don't think you're evil, Bucky," Sharon assures him. "But I know you killed a lot of people for HYDRA." "I'm not denying it." "He didn't have a choice," Sam snaps, glaring at them both. "But we're not getting into that right now. My point is, the government's afraid of Bucky, and they still pardoned him. All you did was steal something. I'm sure they can be persuaded to see reason." "The day the US government sees reason," Sharon quips, rolling her eyes, "is the day I sprout real wings and fly off into the sunset." "Careful, Icarus," Bucky mocks with a smirk, "the sun and brand new wings don't exactly go together." Then he shrugs and glances at Sam. "But she's not wrong."

At the party that night, it takes a few minutes (grumpy old man Bucky's not sure how to feel about the music lol) but a peek of pre-war Bucky comes out to play: they were told to "blend in", so he dances. At first he's just bobbing around alone looking stoic and out of place, but soon he's smiling and dancing between two attractive people - one male, one female. Sam is surprised, but before he can tease him for it, Sharon comes to get them all. Even she's a little "wait what?" at Bucky having a little fun lol. (recovery is not linear, guys. trauma doesn't mean "perpetually miserable, no fun, doesn't even know how to smile." in my TFATWS, Bucky gets his lighter moments; real ones, not humor at his expense)

When they find Nagle, Bucky's the one who notices and opens the secret door, while Sam keeps an eye on Zemo. Bucky catches Zemo trying to grab that gun; closes the drawer on his hand before opening it and taking the gun away. "Nice try." Nagle tries to get away while there's only one person watching him, but Sam catches him and forces him back into his seat. With a bruising grip on the back of Zemo's neck, Bucky drags him back over to where he and Sam can both keep an eye on him. Nagle is killed in the shootout as they're trying to escape; Zemo still runs off, blows shit up, and comes back with the stolen car so he's not totally useless.

I had no problem with Zemo being the one to kill Nagle; Nagle was the worst and def had to die, and Zemo has never had an issue killing anyone. Where I took issue with this scene was Bucky and Sam being dumb enough to let Zemo wander and get his hands on a gun. Nope. Not happening.

Anyway, shootout! Explosions! Funny banter! The seat thing, which is my favorite nod to CW ever lol... And then the conversation on the plane...

"You okay?" "Yeah." Sam sighs. "Just thinking." "About how to get Sharon that pardon you dangled in front of her?" He shakes his head. "About how Nagle referred to 'The Winter Soldier Program" like it was some kind of after school club; like you weren't standing right there. And 'the American test subject' like... Like Isaiah wasn't even a real person." He turns to face Bucky, looking angry and weary. "Makes me wonder how many times... How many times are we gonna run around in the same circles before people learn? And how many people need to get crushed underfoot in the meantime?" "Did you really just equate me with Isaiah?" Bucky frowns, not sure how to react to that. "That man is a hero." Sam opens his mouth to say something, but his phone goes off and Zemo approaches at the same time, effectively cutting off their conversation.

When they get to Riga and Zemo tries to guilt trip them over Sokovia, Bucky deadpan reminds him, "Neither of us were involved in that fight." "I doubt you'd have been much help if you were." He shrugs. "Probably not. But I like to save my guilt for events I was actually present for. It's a thing." Zemo laughs. "Fair enough."

Bucky goes on his walk, and meets up with Ayo.

[magnusgoetia]

Transcript of a Sinner’s Conversation: A Meeting with Caecus

--Begin (In Medias Res)--

Sinner: You kiddin'? Dyin' was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Caecus: There’s nothing you left behind? No family to miss?

Sinner: My family? Fuck 'em, I'd ‘ave hired 'elp to kill 'em already if it meant they'd be dead-dead, and I wouldn't have to spend time wiv 'em down 'ere. It wouldn't be right for me to force this on my friends either, but they'll be 'ere in due time anyway. I can wait.

Caecus: So, you’re expecting your friends to join you here as well. The wait must be awfully lonely.

Sinner: Ah, not really. I’ve made friends while I’m ‘ere. The shit I can do ‘ere is like, fucking magic and with it I can make up for what I lack in a lot of different ways. Just wish I could remember how I ‘ad died.

Caecus: Maybe it’s better not to remember… Not all of us intended to be here, after all.

Sinner: No. No, perhaps it’s best not to remember. I quickly found out that it's not just evil folks that end up here, lots of good folks, plenty of weird ones too. I'm sensing you’re of the “gooder” ones, you radiate...well, it’s 'ard to describe, but I don't sense any hostility from you at the very least, even though you were born ‘ere.

Caecus: How amiable of you. But remember, a birth is just a new beginning of sorts. You couldn’t have been alone since you were… delivered to us.

Sinner: Ah, you’re a poetic type aren’t ya? Anyway, I’ve not made many friends but I do ‘ave a particular fondness for this one clown...me an' 'im seem to 'ave this weird connection wiv each other. Actually, he's more of a jester type, though rather embarrassingly his name escapes me...

Caecus: Are you, by chance, referring to an imp named Blocko?

Sinner: Yeah, don’t surprise me you know ‘im. He seems like the type to ‘ave a particular reputation.

Caecus: That he does, and yet a divine will connects us. I’m being led to believe your intriguing appearance has an even more… intriguing history.

Sinner: Riiiight...Well, you know what they say about skeletons and closets. Though I suppose I ‘ave nothing to hide ‘ere...Well, to put it simply, I was a broken kid. I never got help, and I did... unspeakable things to anyone who ‘ad wronged me—or simply didn't like.

Caecus: Even the purest of souls can be corrupted by another’s sins.

Sinner: Yeah...Well, it's not like I'll stop doin’ what I did while I was alive, with all that murder and hedonism. Though death has a way of humbling some people...In any case, the murders mostly stopped as I grew older. I seemed to have preferred to just traumatise people instead, ruin lives of the people I saw as bad or evil.

Caecus: Then you found a different punishment for those you had judged.

Sinner: I suppose so. A lot of it involved me spying on groups of people. I'd worm my way into the seedy societies that thought they were safe in their little circles and collect dirt on them. Really sick shit too by the way but don’t worry, the hypocrisy wasn’t lost on me either.

Caecus: Oh? You judged yourself a hypocrite yet continued along a path of self-appointed righteousness... Why?

Sinner: I don’t know, maybe a sense of catharsis? A lot of these were people who I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about killing or whatever. Sometimes it was more personal too, there were—still are people I am attached to up there that got hurt, and I took my revenge on them in their place.

Caecus: Ahh, how noble. Fighting for your friends.

Sinner: Yeah, there was this one particular bastard. Actually, there were a few…but…eh, nevermind…this one particular guy who was essentially lying to one of these “friends” and caused them a psychotic breakdown. I didn’t take action right away, but I did end up killing ‘im. Didn’t even bother hiding the fact it was a murder.

Caecus: What made you wait?

Sinner: Money, mostly. It makes the world up there spin, and you need a lot of it to get anything done, right? Well, I ‘ad to wait until I ‘ad enough money to fly to the states on top of all that shit involved in immigratin’. When I settled in, that’s when I made my move on a buncha grudges. This guy was just the first. Moving to the states made my life a lot easier in some ways. Was a lot easier to sleep when I took care of the grudges too.

Caecus: Oh, wow. You must have had remarkable resolve to keep a “grudge” that long… Tell me, did all of them truly deserve it?

Sinner: No, most didn’t, but I am…was, an angry person. I found I was very much capable of venting my anger, to put it mildly, and I was much too young when I had...shall we say...discovered it.

Caecus: Young minds are impressionable.

Sinner: Right, and the fact that I was generally good at getting away with it made me feel just that little bit better about it.

Caecus: So, you exploited that validation to continue justifying your actions. Most sinners in your position never reach awareness...

Sinner: Yeah? I’ll take that as a compliment, but I was totally emotionally disconnected when committing my crimes. Afterwards I pretty much always dealt with conflict. Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Though I had largely stopped my ways. I’m ‘aving way too much fun down ‘ere, and even though I won’t drag ‘em down here with me, I’d love to have my friends join me eventually.

Caecus: Would they be pleased being here, embrace this existence like you have?

Sinner: I dunno, some of them have a hard enough time as it is with one existence, I doubt they’ll be too happy to find out there’s another waitin’ for ‘em. The others I’d imagine would be quite surprised all the same, being atheists and such, but I reckon they’d come to like it.

Caecus: An existence you cannot escape is itself a prison. Albeit, choosing to enjoy it in spite of that perspective is a marvelous thing. If you could imagine them in your presence, what would you do?

Sinner: Again, I dunno. It’s hard to tell when they’re not here yet but I am somewhat interested in what’ll end up happening should they get here. I dunno if I’ll be able to tell if it’s them even.

Caecus: And how do you dare to enjoy existence now?

Sinner: Well, I’ve been doing everything I’ve ever wanted to do but could never do in life amongst other things. It’s kinda embarrassing, but I played a bunch of video games, so I miss those quite a bit. I’ve found plenty of ways to fill that void though. Some of your movies are pretty sick down ‘ere, and importing goods from the other rings to ‘ere means I don’t miss out…mostly, on their fun too. I just wish I could explore the other rings; I don’t get why us sinners can’t.

Caecus: Decretum is often difficult to understand. However, it would seem a blessing that you’ve been placed with the multifarious company of the pride ring.

Sinner: True enough, whatever that means. There’s a lot of strip clubs, greedy businesses and shit, stuff you think you’d only find in the other rings. Though I think I probably would’ve ended up in wrath if we landed in the rings based on our sins.

Caecus: Most catechisms view wrath as an excessive anger. You strike me as having more control than the average sinner.

Sinner: A lot of people on the surface woulda said the same too, I was and I suppose still am really good at keeping it in check, well, good enough to not make it obvious anyway. Though it’s been a lot tougher down here.

Caecus: This is a realm of collective temptation, after all.

Sinner: My only judge here is myself and perhaps my peers if I let them. I still kill down here, but it’s been in self-defence. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone out of anger yet but let’s just say I’d feel sorry for the poor sod who happened to piss me off on a bad day.

Caecus: You’ve always been your own judge. I suspect the lack of good comparisons for your behavior here has coaxed you further.

Sinner: Actually, I could tell you about the first person I “killed” down here. It was soon after I woke up. I suppose this guy thought it’d be easy—fresh sinner, just in time to be another tally mark on some statistic.

Caecus: A second death, the lake of fire…

Sinner: Uh...yeah, I reacted on instinct and it musta been a sort of “kiss of death” type shit. I only touched the dude with my hand, and he just kinda…shrivelled up and died. You know…like when a cartoon character eats a lemo—ah sorry, you can’t watch TV.

Caecus: Ah, yes… a shrivelling death is nevertheless descriptive.

Sinner: Anyway, I have a bunch of other powers too but that one I’m most afraid of you know? I can drop the ambient temperature of an area so shit gets cold, have some form of telekinesis and a buncha other stuff, like I have some kinda control over this weird glowy energy, it’s how I have my eyes, which are purely for show, I don’t need them since I can see perfectly fine without ‘em...not that you’d know I even have ‘em.

Caecus: I’m aware you observe our world, in a traditional sense. My observations are just a bit more… unorthodox. And I feel as if your fear is not from a lack of understanding.

Sinner: Well I seem to have it under control, but I’m afraid in a moment of weakness I might react without thinking, you know? I’ve not had it happen yet, but it would be so easy when flippin’ out that I just give ‘em the ol’ touch of death.

Caecus: Even a king’s heart is just a stream of water to the hand of… fate.

Sinner: Gonna be honest, I haven’t the foggiest of what you just said. Though if I’m being honest myself, I couldn’t care less if it was someone I didn’t know anyway. Only really care about my friends and such. You seem pretty neat yourself.

Caecus: The impression is mutual. It’s not often that I’m seen as anything other than senseless and intimidating. I don’t find it unwarranted, granted; my appearance is as disconcerting as my psyche.

Sinner: How do you even know what you look like? It’s not like you can just look into a mirror.

Caecus: I was presented with a vision soon before I arrived, my last blessing I suppose… Regardless, my rebirth is a tale for another time. I’ve relished in your company long enough, and I must answer my calling. I’m sure our paths will converge again.

Sinner: Hey, I hope so too...uh....

Caecus: Please, call me Caecus.

Sinner: Well, it’s only polite to give you my name too. I go by many names here, but I am quite fond of “Mr. Death” as silly as it sounds.

Caecus: Silly, yes, but very becoming of you. A pleasure, Mr. Death.

Mr. Death:Well, don’t let me keep you. I’d like to see you again sometime, Caecus. I’ll take my leave.

Caecus: All in due time.

--End--

[raidenenthusiast]

dear jonghyun,

i love you.

beyond that, i don't know where to begin. i don't know what to say. i haven't even been a shawol for the entire year, and yet i can't believe it. it seems like such a long time. but i guess i'll start at the beginning.

maybe about five months ago, my ex started getting me to listen to kpop. i got into exo first, and for a little while they were the only group that i paid attention to.

eventually, i started hearing more and more about shinee. i knew my partner loved you guys too, so i started trying to get into you guys as well as exo. and at first, i couldn't. i knew about what had happened, i remembered it happening a year ago and being on the outside of it. so when i started into it aware, it hurt.

i would see a video of the five of you, and then a few videos down, it'd be down to four. i'd think about how the four of them had to now perform and sing without you. i'd think about how you'd never get to perform some of your songs live. so many things would make me sad, and i was scared. scared that if this tragedy already made me so sad, before i had barely even learned your name, it would be too much if i ever truly got attached to and fell in love with the group.

so i kind of stopped myself for a while. i was barely a shawol, but listening to all of you made my heart ache. i couldn't do it. i couldn't listen to shinee. i tried to start somewhere, i tried to listen to taemin on his own first. but that didn't work either.

and there was a part of me that knew you were going to be my bias. i can actually tell you the exact moment that made up my mind.

when i was making my kpop playlist, it was on spotify. spotify only has a live version of ring ding dong, so when i was adding it, i had to add that one. when i heard you sing the verse right before the second chorus, something clicked and i fell in love with your voice.

and that was a big reason that i was scared. because i knew that i was going to fall in love with you. and i was scared of how painful it would be. so i stopped myself from leaping headfirst into shinee because of that.

but there came a point where you knocked those walls down entirely. i found and watched the video of your performance of y si fuera ella. your voice, your face, the fake blood on your white suit, the gunshot, every second of it made my heart ache. i sat on my bed for a half hour afterwards and just cried. i'd been afraid to cry before. but thanks to you, i wasn't anymore, and i was finally able to listen to shinee regularly.

and i fell in love. words cannot describe how much you five mean to me. i stared at this screen for so long trying to think of something that could possibly express how much i love all of you. i'm still stuck. you five have given me so much. beautiful music, such openness and kindness, a wonderful friend ( @sunflowerjjong ), happiness, so many good things. and i can't think of anything that i could say that would ever repay you for that.

but, what i can say is thank you. thank you for what you've done for me. you've been a shining light in the darkness these past few months. and as long as i know that you're there, watching over me, i'm okay.

there have been so many hard times. and sometimes, i feel guilty. guilty that i rely on you so much when so many other shawols, as well as your family, friends, and the rest of shinee have it so much harder than i do. but i saw something you said one night. you said that you don't need to know a person face to face to have a relationship with them. and that made it so much easier. because i knew that if you said that, and if you knew how much i care about you, then you might care about me too.

but at the same time, i feel guilty for other reasons. so many shawols can't listen to you or shinee because it hurts too much. and my heart goes out to all of them. but sometimes, i feel guilty for the opposite reason. i can listen to you. i can listen to shinee. and maybe i thought that i wasn't grieving enough. but i know that everyone feels in different ways. you bring me comfort, and there's no reason to be ashamed of that. just like there's no reason to be ashamed of feeling like it's just too unbearable.

your words touch me in ways i never thought possible. sitting on my couch late at night, crying, reading the note that you left us, as broken as my heart felt, it felt whole, too. so much of what you wrote, i felt too. i understood. i still do feel a lot of those things. and knowing that you did too makes me feel so much less alone.

i wish i could have met you. i wish i could have hugged you. i wish i could have looked you in the eyes and told you how much i love you. and the fact that i can't makes me unbelievably sad. but i'll still make it known. i'll still say goodnight to the moon. i'll still tell the sky that i love you, in hopes that you can hear me.

you may be gone, but it feels like you're here with me. when that meteor flew across the sky on my birthday just seconds after i'd started crying, saying i missed you, i knew it was you. i felt it. as if you were telling me not to miss you, because you were right there with me, and you always have been, and you always will be.

and i promise, i will never remember you as simply just a sad story. you are so much more than your tragedy. you are so much more than your pain and sadness. you are a beautiful, glowing light in this dark world, one who has lit up so many lives and reached millions of hearts.

i want to make you happy, and i want to make you proud. i want you to know how much you inspire me. i want you to look down at me and smile, because you know how much you've impacted my life. but most of all, i want you to know how much i love you.

these past few months were dark. there were times when giving up crossed my mind. and that terrified me. because i never wanted to give up. i just thought that i had to. and you helped me realize that i didn't.

and you helped me in so many other ways, too. you still do. and you always will.

i listen to your voice after a long day. you sing with such care and beauty, and sometimes, if i close my eyes, it feels like you're singing right to me. like you're taking my hand, guiding me towards your light. like you're holding me in your arms, reassuring me that everything will be alright. sometimes, it feels like you're crying along with me. but it always feels like you're listening. and it always feels like you're there. and sometimes, just letting out a sigh with you at the very beginning of end of a day is enough to calm me down.

your lyrics help me immensely, too. i relate to so many, like how in elevator, you sing about looking at your reflection and not recognizing yourself. or how in end of a day, you sing about how all you want is for someone to hold you after a tiring day and tell you that you did well. or how in let me out you plead for someone to hold you, help you, because you're so tired and you don't know if you can go on. and looking back on all that now, you were calling for help. and i'm so sorry that you didn't get it when you needed it most.

but apart from that, all of those feelings are within me, too, in one way or another. and hearing your soft voice sing out those things that i feel too is so comforting.

i look up at the moon when i feel alone. it's always there in the sky when i'm at my lowest. even today, i was worrying that i wouldn't be able to see your comet. i went to look outside, and there was the moon, shining through the clouds. you always know when i need you. sometimes i'll talk to you for so long i lose track of time. and i never know for sure if you're listening. but i hope you are. and the possibility is enough for me. and i hope that, like you sing in before our spring, watching over me makes you happy. i hope that you see me and smile because you know how much i love you.

there are things you said, that i find, that are somehow exactly what i need to hear in the moment. maybe i'll see that you said for us to take care of ourselves. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to feel lost in life. maybe i'll see that you said it's okay to cry. but every single time, whatever i find that you said is exactly what i didn't even know i was looking for. you know. you know when i need you, and you never let me go it alone.

all of these things and more give me the strength to push forward. you give me the strength to fight. because i know that you wouldn't want me to stop. and i know that you don't want me to join you. whenever i feel like i'm drowning, i know i can just reach for your hand.

there's something that i like to tell myself whenever things get hard.

"you did well, so i will too."

and i will, jonghyun. i promise i will.

i drew this moon for you. i wrote your lyric with it. i wanted to do something for you, even though nothing can ever repay you for how much you've done for me.

i love you so much, jonghyun. and i miss you every day. but as long as you're in my heart, and in turn by my side, i will never stop fighting. you make me feel a warmth and a hope that i never want to let go of.

your kindness, your strength, your love for those around you, your softness, your smile, your beautiful soul and your lovely voice will forever hold a special place in my heart. you live on through each and every one of us. and in turn, you help us live on as well.

you've taught me so much. you've taught me to always be kind. you've taught me that it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel. you've taught me to have hope, no matter what. you've taught me to pursue my dreams. but most of all, you've taught me how to be strong, how to fight with every ounce of strength left in me. because if i have you cheering me on, i can do anything.

you make me feel safe. because i have the most wonderful angel in heaven watching over me and looking after me. sometimes i wonder how i ever got so lucky. whenever i miss you badly, i think that you were a gift, but heaven needed their angel back eventually. the time we were given with you on earth was beautiful, and i'll forever be thankful for it. thank you for staying as long as you did. and thank you for never really leaving, not entirely.

i love you. i can't say it enough. i want to say it a million more times. and maybe it seems like i'm talking in circles. but i say it so much because all i want is for you to know. i love you. we love you. and we will never, ever forget you. you will forever be in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, and in our skies. may you have found the peace and happiness that was lost to you on earth.

you did so well, angel.

always be with you.🌙

with love,

- hannah

[almost40ffs]

He said, girl, enjoy your life. Enjoy your gifts. Love that life you have been given. Because you only got this one. Make the best of it. Don't throw it away. Don't be scared.

I didn't know what to do in my life. I didn't know which way to go and I wanted a cure. There is something about me no one ever believed or knew. Something I'll never forget. It was so real to me. I said to myself is this it? Is this how I'm going to die? If someone experiences these things... Is this the end? I had to change my whole damn life around. I don't mean financially or living situations. I mean my whole mind and being. I had to step back into Heaven. I had to step back into something I gave up years ago. Sometimes I feel I can't speak and other times I can go on and on.

He heard me. They heard me.. I didn't want to die. Lord knows I love my life and who I am. I had to change and believe in myself again. I had to fight something no one will ever know about. I want to describe it. I want to shout it to the world. Instead I just shut up and enjoy my life as much as I can. I get to learn new things. I get to learn things beyond this world. I get to experience who I have always wanted to be.

He said, I can't take you, Cassie. I can't bring you to Heaven to be with your parents. I am not ready for you, yet. We are not ready for you. All I can do is send you Heaven. I can send you all the things to learn about heaven and our stories. Our history. Your ancestors. You got the heart, girl. Use it. Learn it. Take it. Enjoy it.

It was too painful. My mind was not mine. It was gone. I barely got sleep. I spent days and nights crying by myself. Everytime I tried to speak on it, no one believed me. Everyone said, nah it's not that. But it never stopped. It was horrible.. it was your worst enemies in your mind. It was like their goal to bring me down.. to talk me down.. to tell me I wasn't worthy. To tell me I was the most hated person..

Then I got the message. Use your imagination, they said. Search for all the things that relate to what you got. Search the medical and scientific ways. Then compare them to the spiritual ways. Explore into wiccan. There.. you'll find your cure. Change your goals. Change your grief. Change your calling. Change the way your mind works..change the way you think. Open your eyes, all three of them.. and witness the beauty of what is behind the veil. Look into another realm. While you live and breathe in one world, your mind will be living something else. Your eyes will see things human eyes cannot. You are going to begin to see things in your mind and in front of you. You'll begin to question your own sanity. Then you'll think back to all the things you experienced and remember.. all of the things that happened were real for YOU in this life.

Years ago, he came to me in a dream and said.. this is your life now. I never knew what that meant. There was no undoing it. So we made a way around it.

I'll never get to truly speak on it. I'll never get to speak as a speaker. I'll never be able to get the human world to believe it in a normal world. So, I'll just keep writing my life and hope that some day someone needs hope.

Excuse me, can we get a new bible? The bigots version just ain't working for most of us.

🙏 🙏

[recoverymatters]

(tagging with 🌹)Hi... I don't know where to start. Um, I don't really have anyone in my life. My parents are abusive, I don't really have friends. My sibling has a family and kids and is busy and far. I feel really dysphoric all the time and I wish I could be out as a trans guy but I'm afraid I'll get kicked out from my parents' house. I'm 20 and I still feel like a kid. I've been hearing it gets better for so long and I'm just so tired.

(ask continued) I don’t feel suicidal anymore and I haven’t self-harmed in 4 or so years but every time my mother yells at me I get the urge again. I wanna get into fights again. I just feel so useless. Anxious and dysphoric and depressed all the time. Knowing I’ll never make it as an actor because I don’t pass as male. No motivation to do anything. Scared of getting anything less than an A. I’m an honours student but all my works are late now and I get anxiety about it all. I feel like such a damn mess.

Hi lovely, 

Thank you for reaching out to me! 

I am so sorry you don’t have anyone in your life right now that you can trust, rely on or receive support from. Life is hard enough, let alone without anybody by your side. Please know that you are not alone. You have me and a fantastic, accepting community here on Tumblr who all care about you and are all rooting for you. You will never be alone in this universe, we are all on your side. 

It’s very hard when you have a sibling that lives far away and is busy a lot of the time. I wonder if you would be able to arrange a skype call or facetime call with your sibling? It’s not easy, however, even a 10-minute call or text with them can make a world of difference. You never know, it may re-kindle that sibling bond and help you both to maintain that relationship. 

No wonder you’re feeling dysphoric and exhausted all of the time. You live in an environment with people that aren’t accepting of who you are. That is not your fault. I promise, there is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are perfect, irreplaceable and valuable. I am very sorry that you are not able to come out as a trans guy without feeling afraid of being kicked out of your parent’s house. That is a difficult situation to be in and I understand your concerns. Whilst I want you to be able to come out and feel free to be exactly who you are, you need to do what is best for you right now. Which may mean waiting a few years to come out when you are in a safe and secure environment to reduce the risk of being kicked out and having nowhere to live. Your safety is a priority. You say your parents are abusive, if you ever feel that you are at risk, please please please reach out. Reach out to a teacher, colleague, doctor or other trusted person who can direct you to the right support and even help you to find a safe place to live. Again, this is very tough. But, living with abusive parents is not good for your health and wellbeing and I want you to be around people who lift you up, support you and care for you. 

Feeling like a kid is very common, I promise you. I feel this a lot too. This world can be a tough and scary place to live in and the ample responsibility that comes with being an adult can be too hard to bear sometimes. It can be us feel like we’re children in a big, scary adult world. It’s hard to have everything figured out and to know what to do, but honestly, it’s okay. It’s okay not to have everything figured out or in place yet, to not know where you’re going in life. It’s hard, it’s scary, you may still feel like a kid sometimes, but you’ll get there. Step by step.  

I won’t tell you it gets better, but, it gets easier. There are days when you’re gonna think to yourself, yes, I’ve dealt with this before. I CAN cope and I will get through. 

Well done for not self-harming in 4 years. That is truly, truly amazing and I am so proud of you!! ❤️I have just answered a question based on self-harm alternatives. Please check this out and whenever your mother yells please have a look at the alternative and fight the urge to self-harm. You have done amazingly well and I want you to know that whenever you feel low or your mother does yell, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t loved or aren’t appreciated in this world. I appreciate you and I commend you for staying so strong for so long. 

If you start to experience suicidal thoughts again, please go to your local emergency department or A&E. Reach out to a suicide hotline, speak to me, speak to an online counseller such as 7cups. Use the StayAlive app. Please don’t struggle on your own, you deserve to be alive and well. 

I know its hard, but getting back into fights is not going to do you any good. It may be useful for you to express your feelings differently instead of getting into fights. Such as a boxing class, running, swimming, karate, art or dancing. These are a safer alternative to fighting and can help you to release some of the strong emotions you’re feeling. 

Useless you may feel, useless you are not. There are things that you do every day to help yourself, to help others, to help this earth that you may not even realise. You’re an honours student who is working his butt off and trying his best to get through considering all of these circumstances, how amazing is that?

Anxiety, dysphoria and depression are all signs you may be experiencing difficulties with your mental health and it might help to get some therapy, counselling or medication to help you with that. It may not be a cure or help completely, but it might help you to focus better, feel a little more relaxed and it would be great for you to have someone to talk to.

When you’re dealing with these things all of the time it can be hard for you to do daily tasks and make it more difficult for you to concentrate. So, please DO NOT blame yourself for your works being late. You cannot manage so many things all at once and you are not any less of a person because of this. Getting A’s does not define who you are and getting any less does not mean you’re not an incredibly talented and smart student. It means that the exam/education systems put so much pressure on young people these days that they feel getting any less than an A is a failure. It isn’t. Your grades do not define you. Please try and not be so hard on yourself. If you get a B that’s great! If you get a C that’s amazing! If you get a D, E, F, G, that’s fine too! YOU and your health are far more important. 

Your motivation will come back, it won’t always be this hard. Please hold on.

Please do not ever give up on your dreams. YOU CAN MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR. You may not get there on your first try, heck, you may not get there on your 10th. DO NOT GIVE UP. Being a trans male does not mean that you can never make it as an actor. You know why? Because your talent and your skills are not any less than that of a ‘regular actor’. There are people out there who do discriminate and do not understand. Screw them. You keep trying until you find the people who are accepting and are thrilled to have you on board. Becuase they are out there,  and they are just waiting for you to stand up and show who you are and provide the world with your talent, your amazing gift and your light. 

Some transgender actors who are absolutely rocking it right now and showing the world that it doesn’t matter who or what you are, YOU ARE JUST AS TALENTED AS ANYONE ELSE AND DESERVE THE CHANCE AND OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR:

1. Daniela Vega

2. Harmony Santana

3. Alexandra Billings

4. Trace Lysette

5. Ian Harvie

6. Brian Michael Smith

7. Laverne Cox

8. Elliot Fletcher 

9. Indya Moore 

10. Mya Taylor 

Please believe in yourself and your dreams. YOU CAN DO IT. I promise you. Never give up on who you are and everything you want to achieve. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that it isn’t possible or you cannot do it. 

You’re going to message me in 10 years and say. I MADE IT. I made it. I faced the judgement, I faced the hardship and I still followed my dreams and I have made it. I am a successful actor who made it through and is now inspiring others to come out and share their story. 

I believe in you.

Here are some links that may help you:

http://www.allabouttrans.org.uk/support-organisations/

https://www.lgbthealth.org.uk/services-support/transition-support/

https://www.transgender.support/

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/come-out-trans-equality

https://www.7cups.com/

You are never alone, keep fighting. You’re brave, your courageous and you’re going to make it. I promise you.

I wish you all the best that the world can offer you. You deserve so much happiness, love and magic. 

All the best 🌟

Thanks 

RecoveryMatters