#i truly am nothing without this damn thing. arent i?

[magnoliamyrrh]

believing in female solidarity and class conciousness and sisterhood while dealing with western feminists is actually a nightmare lmao

im so tired of making an effort, i truly am. im so tired. im tired of feeling like i have to teach Basic Empathy and Caring abt Others and Class Conciousness 101. im tired of being the only one whose making an effort in this relation. im so tired of it being the case that its only the westerners who lose their little marbles over whatever feminist points i may be be trying to make, and they somehow don't understand the irony in them prepetually calling so many nonwestern feminists fascists or whatever the fuck else. yes yes, indian feminists are just stupid for trying to ban pornography and surrogacy, please enlighten them. south korean women are just evil brainwashed bitches, that's why they're radical separatists - south asia in general having a separatist and radical wave is for no reason whatsoever theyre just nazis lmao. african feminists, so many of them, are white supremecists for not exactly parroting your western bullshit, yup yup this makes sense. islamic feminists are "suspicious" lmao for the language we use in our writings (analysis of material reality). lets completely ignore that the feministms of the nonwestern world call for the abolition of prostitution. balkan sex trafficking victims, which are most prostitutes and child prostitues in the west, spending years speaking out against all this and trying to change laws? naaah we know nothing, we dont know nothing at all, the well of westerners who have no idea what theyre talking abt will englighten us abt that, while calling for the death of women who dont agree with their sex work bullshit lmao. we also have a bad habit of joking abt unifying and killing men and killing sex tourists, we should probably stop that bc its real offensive and scary to the westerners too

all this god damn endless performative sharade about LiSteN to WoMen of CoLour and LisTen to ThIrd WoRld WoMen and liSten to NonWeSteRn WoMen and poOr woMen and SeX TrAffIcking ViCtiMs (wait nvm they dont even say that now, bc only "sex workers" exist to them, ever) et fucking cetera. yea lmao. they dont actually give a shit about marginalized women though

god help us. how the hell is the cognitive dissonance of this whole situation not hitting them exactly? with. literally basically any other feminist on this planet but the liberal/mainstream westerners you can hold an actual conversation and discourse and understand each other. everyone but them and their postmodern brainrot understands this is a class struggle and understands the root of the opression of the female sex. "ThErES nO UnIvErSalLiTy BetWeEN wOmEn" just shut it already jfc. the fact that we can have international conversations on our struggles basically already proves there is - its only you who cant get what planet youre living on, with the endless relativity and individualism and choice and language politiquing and patriarchal bootlicking

i know, because ive been doing it for years. and ive been watching the feminist movements of the nonwestern world for years. i also know the only reason why on this blog i Can actually for the most part say things without being crucified is bc most of yall arent western or white or both

and apart from the ones who outright lose their mind or feel incredibly comfortable speaking over you or talking down to you - dont rly know how they havent choked on the entitlement yet -maybe they're just fucking lost and too far gone. but. even the rest. who are less hostile or just privileged and dont know better. im just tired, just tired.

the internet is chock full of the opinions of nonwestern women on feminism. the internet is chock full of the accounts of sex trafficking victims, of child prostitues, of prostitutes, of experts on human trafficking. its fucking full of it. and its on tv, and sometimes in newspapers. god fucking damn it so much has been written on this, so much has been done on this, so many efforts movements organizations documentaries whatever the fuck. spains laws were changed by our trafficked women but somehow its like this fact doesn't exist to the westenrs, or the have the gull to explain that, actually, they're wrong.

it is of absolutely no pleasure of me at all to educate the western "feminists" on shit they could educate themselves on in approximately 10 fucking minutes if theyd bother to do a google search and give a shit, actually give a shit and maybe, for fucking once, realize theyre not always right and the center of the world. its of no pleasure to me at all to have to keep my cool and be nice enough that whatever i say isnt just dismissed, because if youre too fucking angry over god damn sexual slavery you're just an evil crazy irrational bitch. im tired. whatever the hell i say has been said by so many before, so many times, for so long, but its like its been said to a wall or yelled out into space

sometimes i wonder what the hell we must even do for it to even matter. rationality and calmness hasnt helped. anger hasn't helped. detailed accounts of what its Actually like to be trafficked or a child prostitute or a prostitute or a sex slave, havent helped. we have bore our pain and sorrows and trauma and soul and so often it doesn't mean a single god damn thing to them. what. what needs to happen. should we just start having mental breakdowns and screaming our throaths raw infront of them? no, they will not care or understand even then. should we show them what the sexual slavery of children actually looks like - except wait, theres undercover journalism and documentaries and accounts written on this. it matters not. it matters not. Whats next? Interpretive dance?? What else we got, should we maybe just start trying to communicate through telepathic waves?? i wonder if some of them are simply doomed to be deaf and blind and unfeeling

im tired of making the effort, and im tired of reaching across the isle hoping that at least some of them can change their minds and give a shit and open their eyes to whats actually happening, and how detached their "feminism" is from the rest of ours. im tired of having to explain to the western women whose ideology is responsable for, lmao, our peoples sexual slavery, that this shit is real bad, and lmao in actuality imperialism, but having to do it nicely enough while They are x30 times more hostile with Me. lord. if youre going to call me a fascist and cancel me irl, if were just throwing words around, can i just start calling them slavers? except thats not going to get us anywhere, except no matter how many times i want to just snap, i know that doing so as badly as i want to to their face isnt going to get anything done

. and.what choice do i have, really? i cant simply leave the western feminists to their bullshit. because what they think becomes law in their own damn countries and then affects us, it becomes international law as well because it is their country who lead the international community. the bullshit that they think, actually, unfortunately direcly affects us. and not only that, but it affects the women and girl-children most vulnerable and opressed in their own countries, whom are still our sisters whose pain and saftey i am concerned with. so i cant just leave them to it, and there is little choice then to not educate, or not try to at least try to reach across the isle. theres little choice but to have the hope that some of them can care and understand, and that some is better than nothing and worth it and a start..... even with how fucking tired and fed up i am and how i wish i wouldnt have to keep bearing my god damn suffering just so theyd get it, im still. frankly so willing to do it with someone who is actually willing to listen and change. i dont believe in canceling people forever, and i have the hope and knowledge that changing one persons mind is a ripple effect, for then they change anothers mind, and on and on

i just wish. theyd at least meet me halfway. im tired of making the effort to still see them as sisters and women whose struggles i care about, while for the most part they could give less of a shit

[dumbbitchfrommars]

9.10.24

i think i intuitively know we arent going to make it to that music festival.

am i on self built path to destruction?

its in gods hands. remember, its in gods hands. stop trying to control the outcome. its in fucking gods hands!!!!!

lets see what the cards have to say...

its the differences in people that makes humanity great and together we can create smth bigger than anything one individual can accomplish.

i was so afraid of doing tarot thinking it would be harsh and hurt me. im so damn sensitive! its been nothing but kind and gentle... something i have been lacking in my self recently.

3 of swords: pay attention to how you are treating yourself internally. curb the habit..

it breaks my heart to think of him in pain. it scares me how much i love him

6 of swords in reverse: you may feel uninterested in things you once held dear. you have survived this crisis and youre on your way towards well-earned peace. you must stubbornly create you own light and marh towards your brighter future.

im worried about my sister. im sorry i havent been communicating honestly with her. im scared were going to return to bad old habits.

the devil in reverse: bad habits are hard to break, but you are standing on the precipice of something great. an element of detachment cnan help with this. stay true to yourself and loosen your dependence on the parts of you that will only lead you backwards.

i need to tell him about the dream i had. but it needs to be in person. i dont know how to ask, i dont know if im ready to know. its gonna break my heart. is that why he told me about it so soon? has it been hard in the past? or is it something that he hasnt been able to talk about before? why am i analysing this so much?

hes gone to bed now.

why is it so difficult for me to talk to him?

because i have disorganised attachment. pretty severely as well, apparently.

four of wands: as long as you feel secure and loved, there is no wrong way to enjoy this newfound sense of security this hard work has brought you.

i asked my sister what she has to tell me...

two of cups: signifies a very, deep, meaningful connection with another person. there is potential in it to develop into something truly special, something that be a win-win for both of you. in a relationship, this may symbolise a connection that transcends the physical. enjoy the comforts to be found in this new level of mutual respect.

i accidentally manifested too hard. i have everything i asked for! but at a cost. because now im realising, i never actually knew what i wanted to begin with. im not sure if this is what i want anymore. i fell asleep with my hand on hers.

two dead butterflies. what the fuck do you MEAN? what does any of it fucking mean?

judgement: calls on us to rise up and embrace the spiritual awakening at hand. a life-changing decision may be on the horizon. any choice you make will have long lasting consequences. shed your past selves. something grander awaits and its time to grasp this moment of rebirth without fear.

maybe hes my gay awakening? but i also know i love him and am attracted to him. so its not one or the other. its something else. ?

we all want a teenage fantasy. want it but we cant have it... when we got it we dont seem to want it??????

i guess ill have my answer tomorrow.

now im still as confused, but sad as well. i dont want to lose him. but its true, i dont see a future with him. i cant lead him on if thats what he wants from a relationship. what he expects... thats a lot of pressure on me to not fuck things up. to not leave. to not have the freedom to leave. ugh. the dolphin today. what a strange, strange day.

[bloodiedthorns0102]

is this cheesy?

maybe, i cant really say a lot of my writings ever been good in all fairness- i was always taught to only write in ways that appealed to people who lived through a past thats no longer present for me to live in. Write it this way and that- use these words and not those-

arent i just human though?

i guess writing this in a more human or casual way makes it less terrifying- its kinda just a stream of thoughts that's been rushing through my head. and sure my heads wild to listen to already as is- but the more i see things as so tragic nowadays and my views been pushed down to such a negative chapter of this play-

i cant really say its easy being trapped with myself

nowadays we see these changes all over the world but it's blurred and smudged over into a mucky grey

and isn't that annoying too? im an artist- so smudging something that's supposed to be more vibrant into something terrible to look at is just disheartening and disappointing. me myself I've had a lot of emotional shifts as of lately too- been feeling like a rubix cube being knocked around after years of no use.

im getting off track though- even if you didn't know it- man many of these writings are like "life changing" to some people but really it just sounds like im talking to the stars again whether that's on my new roof, on my old balconies at the apartments i used to live in, or the old porch my grandpa built with my mother when i was a child at my childhood home. to me speaking to the stars is just a reflection of myself im speaking to without the harshness of such a pale exhausted face staring back at me.

i mean light years away someone is maybe seeing me through a telescope like we are the beginning of our universe right now and im happy. im happy and not truly aware of the pain and sadness i was feeling yet and i had my brother and a somewhat normal life.

ive always lived so lonely though no matter the amount of cats or animals ive had.

even looking at the stars makes me feel smaller even if it can be so motivating seeing such a big picture thats so close to reach yet so far away. i cant help but be nihilistic and critical can i? dear lord and here i was reading about two vampires loving each other so dearly earlier.

back to the star thing though- i cant help but feel crushed looking at the fading remains of stars we call beautiful cause really all we are are looking at the past when we look up at them. the light hasnt hit our eyes yet in time to be present for them.

and thats really how i feel nowadays- a star in its death that no one can see because the light of the present hasnt truly hit them yet because they are so far from me to even touch. like really it takes 8 seconds for us to see the suns light- but imagine being so far people only see you at the age of 1,000 out of maybe millions of years you have been alive.

and i guess thats why i make myself feel so much hurt and sorrow- to convince myself im truly living and present within my own life and others- to feel like i made SOME impact- anything something nothing everything. i just, cant fathom im here for it all to amount to anything

but really can anyone? then again thats the question we all ask and we always say the same thing to each other

"yes you can!! you already are now!!"

if i have why cant i feel it paving a path within my own stone filled garden??? why cant my roses flutter to life again slowly??

and we all know it takes time but is that time or light ever gonna be able to hit the eyes of others fast enough?

will my death be so near to me or has already happened but no one has seen it yet?

why am i so far away- or are the people i love the ones that are far? why does their light shine so bright just for me to dread knowing its going to dim out at any point without me being able to predict it.

and ya know theres only so many tiktoks you can see on that damn for you page of people just living and sit in your room wondering if youre ever gonna live as much as them.

but are they also living?? i guess my therapist has shown me how to live more then say even a trip outside ever could in just almost 2 years. though living is always a choice for the person within it. i guess it makes the dilemma of people seeing my life much slower then how my death began better right? they see how i chose to live and fulfill myself rather then begin to give up cause i felt my core exploding from immense amount of energy and collisions.

and sure thats sweet to hear but- when is everyone gonna try and live within the present alongside me and how much more do i have to plead and beg and scream and whimper in pain for someone to realize its actually happening??????

ok maybe that got a little dark

but idk- questioning it all might be futile but questioning it can bring awareness so why not ya know?? may as well not be blind even towards myself even if this all feels VERY dramatic and ill probably cringe over it hours later.

imagine lmao

[words-for-holland]

Cuddles for a Cure

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom notices how off Y/N’s been lately. Lucky for him he’s got the cure.

A/N: Its been awhile! Enjoy all the fluffiness! Christmas Admirers is still in the works, but its coming I promise!!!

“Mate, is everything okay with Y/N?” Harry whispered to his older brother, who was also watching the poor girl, pack her work away without a word. “She looks cross.”

“I dont blame her. She worked 14 hours straight today and worked late last night. The exhaustion must be getting to her.” Tom’s eyes didnt move from Y/N as she slowly came to meet then in the kitchen where they waited to have dinner with her.

“Oh.” She said softly with a slight frown on her face. “You guys didnt have to wait for me to eat.”

“And let you eat alone? No way!” Tom said to which Harry nodded in agreement. “You’ve been sitting in solitude all day. You need the company.”

Y/N simply smiled as she took her seat and the three ate engaging in small conversation. A few laughs were shared here and there, but Y/N was being a tough nut to crack. Her mind, staring blankly into space as she thought about all the things that were bothering her. Work was exhausting, her stomach cramps were being a complete pain in the ass, and she just felt annoyed with everything.

“Hey.” Tom called out sweetly as he gently caressed the side of her face. He looked deep into her eyes, saddened by her expression. “Are you okay, darling? Is something bothering you?”

“No, just tired I think.” She murmured. “Its been a long day.”

“I know baby. Go upstairs and rest after you’re done eating. Harry and I will take care of the dishes and wash up.” He smiles, leaving as kiss on her forehead. “Ill be up there soon.”

As Y/N left, Harry, who was silently watching the interaction, took a bite of his food smirking at his older brother.

“What?” Tom questioned with unamusement.

“Im a bit tired too, Tommy.” Harry replied in his baby voice. “Will you take care of my dishes while I go up and rest?”

“Piss off Harry.” Tom chuckles as he grabs the dishes. “Seriously I wonder what’s bothering her? She usually isnt like this even on bad days.”

“I dont know mate. Maybe its her time of month or something.”

Harry had a point to make it a logical explanation for her sour mood. Tom quickly went to grab some chocolate, a heating bag, and some medication just in case. If it was Y/N’s period, he wanted to be prepared. It’s a good think his mum always nagged him about these things since he started dating Y/N.

“You might be right. Im gonna check on her. Thanks mate.” Tom said rather quickly as he rushed up the stairs.

“Oi wait what about the bloody dish— Whipped.” Harry shook his head as he went to help clean up the dinner mess.

Tom made his way to Y/N, opening the door to see her frowning as she stared at her phone. “Stupid. Stupid.” She grumbles, completely focused on her screen.

“Thought you wanted to sleep.” He chuckles lightly.

Y/N turned around to face him with a slight smile. “Forgot I cant sleep without you.”

Even when she was on her bad days, Y/N never failed to make Tom feel fuzzy inside. “You’re adorable. How...How are you feeling?”

“Still meh. I think I might be on my period, but it’s weird because the symptoms never really affect me. Now, it’s just so bad.”

Tom frowns at her discomfort for a moment, but smiles as he shows Y/N all the stuff that he got. “I had a feeling you were...well Harry did but I brought all the stuff.” He laughed.

“I see that.” She laughs with him, as he sets up everything. Tom takes off his shirt, and gets into bed with Y/N, who cuddles herself into his chest. She takes a deep breath, intaking his scent and nuzzles her head into his neck “Feeling better already.” She whispers. It was true. All the pain, exhaustion, and anxiety Y/N felt just seemed to stop for a moment. There truly was nothing better than being in his arms. He was like a barrier that prevented all the bad things from coming between them.

“Im glad, darling. Just rest. I love you.” He whispers back.

The next morning, Harry and Tom had set up breakfast in time as Y/N headed downstairs.

“Looks like Sleeping Beauty is awake.” Harry comments as he places Y/N’s favorite stack of pancakes on the table. “Feeling better?”

Y/N nodded, as she took a bite. “Thank you guys. You’re all amazing you know that? Im so lucky to have you guys in my life.” She blurted out, almost feeling tears well up from how grateful she was feeling.

“Oh darling don’t cry.” Tom cooed as he rubbed her back.

“No. No. Im okay. Im cool.” Y/N laughs as she takes a moment to calm down. “But I am starving. Damn, these pancakes are so good.” She shoved another one in her mouth as she continued to eat and eat.

“Wow, you werent kidding.” Harry chuckles. “Mood swings and being famished...are you sure youre not pregnant.”

“Ha..Ha. Very funny Harry. Clearly im not because aunty flow came.” Y/N rolls her eyes as she continues eating . “Think the symptoms are just bad this month.”

“Damn, I was really hoping you would be.” Tom said half-jokingly. While he knows both of them arent ready to raise a child yet in this hectic situation, the idea of having one with Y/N just made it all worth it.

“Put a ring on it first and then maybe we can talk.” Y/N laughs.

“Oh believe me. I plan too.”

[trashcatsnark]

I love how you have become like, the silverv/silverhand confessional lmao

I hope you arent overwhelmed with all the asks, but I am curious if you have any go to ship songs for the pairing. I have been listening to this one myself a LOT and its my current fav ship song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYpg8bqKbW0

Ooooh, I like!

Its truly my calling in life! Absolutely no worries, I’m living for this all right now and if i start to feel overwhelmed or anything, I’ll be sure to take care of myself! I appreciate the concern and the ask. 

Becauuse speaking of songs; i got a playlist for my V and Johnny (though it also has songs specific to her and to some other relationships, like her friendship with Jackie too on there): https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6wkDHbdiMT7NNldksbqBaQ?si=1pZ1ttq9QICGWUdQuzYJVw&nd=1

Out of those; I have some songs on there that specifically give me strong SilverV vibes

Under My Skin by Jukebox The Ghost; a little more esoteric in it’s lyrics, but a lot of symbolism and talks of feeling as if you’re letting a second person into your skin. And even some lyrics regarding a doubtfulness that this person you let in is even truly there, so I think it works and I just like the song so

I can fit two people under my skin I can fit two people under my skin And I will prove it if you will listen You crawled up in there you joined me within

Time by NF; I like this one for SilverV because I think it works really well regarding Johnny trying to change and that sort of effort it takes, the comfort in knowing V will stay by his side even as he struggles to become the person they know he can be. And how that change doesn’t come quick or easy. And knowing he’s not easy to deal with and he still struggles, he still lashes out at times but he’s trying and he’s willing to keep trying for them. 

Even if we both break down tonight And you say you hate me And we go to bed angry I know everything will be alright I'll be here waiting I promise I'm changing I just need time

Nicotine by Panic! At The Disco; this one I look at as a V who’s becoming frustrated with themselves for being drawn to Johnny and always seeing the best in him despite his toxic behavior at times. A little more of a disheartening look at their dynamic at times, that Johnny isn’t good for them in so many ways, yet they can’t help but care for him. And comparing him to nicotine, juxtaposed to him literally trying to con V into smoking, is real nice to me. 

I've lost control and I don't want it back I'm going numb, I've been hijacked It's a fucking drag I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do

Yeah, you're worse than nicotine

I Like Me Better by Lauv: This one is a more upbeat look at them, especially one Johnny’s committed to being better and things are looking up more. Its just a cute song with a focus being on, feeling like someone brings out the best in you, Johnny likes himself more when he’s with V, when they’ve helped him become a better person. Also cute lyrics about just wanting to spend all day talking to your special someone and feeling like you could tell them everything

Midnight into morning coffee Burning through the hours talking Damn I like me better when I'm with you

Guillotine by Jon Bellion & Travis Mendes; The big part of this song that screamed SilverV for me it is has the notion of knowing someones darkest secrets, knowing the worst of them, and still loving them anyway. V and Johnny know the darkest parts of one another, have seen each other at their worsts and bests, yet they still fell for one another.

The secrets you tell me I'll take to my grave There's bones in my closet, but you hang stuff anyway And if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bed

I know that you love me, love me Even when I lose my head

Guillotine, guillotine

All I Want by Kodaline: SPOILERS BY THIS SONG IS LIKE THE TEMPERANCE ENDING THEME SONG LIKE??? Or alternatively; I accept Sun Ending V lamenting their choice and missing Johnny.  Like the way its so perfect for it is downright ridiculous. Did Kodaline predict Cyberpunk 2077???

All I want is nothing more To hear you knocking at my door 'Cause if I could see your face once more I could die a happy man I'm sure When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside I lay in tears in bed all night Alone without you by my side But if you loved me Why'd you leave me? Take my body

Haunting by Halsey: Not as perfect for them as some others here, but it just strikes me so much a V who’s grown so attached to Johnny and doesn’t want to let him go and what they have. They want him to keep haunting them. 

'Cause I've done some things that I can't speak And I've tried to wash you away but you just won't leave So won't you take a breath and dive in deep 'Cause I came here so you'd come for me

I'm begging you to keep on haunting I'm begging you to keep on haunting me

The Night We Met by Lord Huron: Again, makes me mostly think of Temperance Ending (can you tell what my favorite canon ending is). Johnny looking back at his time with V, the first time they met, and wishing he could have undone something. Wishes he could have done something, anything different, anything to get them to have made a different choice. Thinking of how they went from looking at him in fear as he raged and screamed at them; to them giving the ultimate sacrifice. 

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

[cottoncandyjester]

Your blog is an absolute delight to browse through <33333

I adore your OCs. They all have their individual quirks and seeing you write them is a treat.

If you are accepting requests, I was wondering if you could do some reverse comfort for your OCs? Where they're not having a good day and their s/o comforts them.

I love yandere content but I am still a sucker for that good wholesome stuff :).

I absolutely love this

Also Was unsure if I should add salem in this cause a lot of people sent hate about him since i Introduced him cause he's disgusting but i did add him cause I love him and he needs love and support

Story contains: some angst, talk of self harm, fluffy fluff, soft boys

Theodore

You've never seen theo angry ever since you two got together but today he seemed to be stressed out, he was studying for a test and from the sounds of it he was going crazy. You walked towards the room only to hear a loud crash which made you jump and you rushed in

Theo had thrown his glasses across the room now sitting in the chair with his head in his hands a shaky sigh escaping him.

"im never going to get it, damn it.."

You looked at the papers scattered about and it looked like some intense stuff, you walked towards theo and hugged him from behind.

"take a break.."

Theo chuckled lightly before he leaned back looking in your eyes, it was clear he hasn't slept in a while.

"you know i can't do that angel, you get to bed though it's late"

You moved onto theo's lap which he allowed, he shivered lightly at the stern look in your eyes since he never seen you look this serious. He tried to settle your worries by giving you soft kisses on your neck but it seems you weren't easy to sway.

"theodore, I want you to get into bed with me and sleep right now."

The male sighed and looked at the clock on the study desk seeing it was about 2am, he did want sleep but he was far too worried about not passing to even think about it.

"sweetie, I have to study. How will I be a good husband if I don't finish college?"

"who says you arent already a good husband?"

Your words shocked him and he stared at you with a confused look before you lovingly wrap your arms around his neck and planting a soft kiss onto his lips.

"you're perfect theo, you don't have to constantly prove it okay? Don't ever doubt that."

Theodore was silent after that and he buried his face in your neck with a low hum, he truly didn't deserve you.

"you think I'm perfect?"

"of course I do, I love you so come and get some rest"

Theo decided to give in and lay down with you and for some reason when he did all those worries drifted away.

Hikaru

Hikaru didnt have time feeling sad, he was a model not to mention a public figure. He never lets you see that side of him unless it's to lash out at you but he onky does that in anger. Today was different, he was quiet today which Definitely wasn't like him

"hey, [y/n]?"

You looked up from your phone to look at the male who just got out the shower his hair still damp and he only wore sweatpants

"what's wrong? Want me to dry your hair again? You should put on a shirt before you get sick"

Hikaru said nothing and simply walked towards you and hugged you close making you both fall back on the bed, the shocked you and you started to pat hikaru on the back trying to get him off.

"h-hey! Are you okay? Are you sick?! Hikaru?!"

"I'm..sorry I'm really sorry, [y/n] dont leave cause I'm really sorry"

He was making zero sense and it only concerned you more but you heard sniffling which made you now freaked out so you softly pulled him back seeing tears rolling down his face.

"hey, why are you crying? What's wrong hikaru?"

The male sat up now sittinf on his knees and he kept his head down letting his hair cover his face as he tried to stop crying.

"I know you dont really love me, I'm mean and cold and awful. You want to leave don't you? But- but I don't want you to go! Im sorry I don't know how to love you i just don't know!"

Hikaru sounded an absolute mess and you didn't know where this was coming from but he simply out the male close into a hug letting him nuzzle his face into your chest as you played with his slightly damp hair.

"yeah, you are mean and cold..but I love you. You can be so sweet and really fun to be with, hikaru Im not going to leave no matter what"

"r-really? No matter what?"

"of course! After all without you my sense of style would be a mess!"

You heard a muffled chuckle escaping him as he hugged you tightly now resting his head on your chest

"you're an idiot."

With a cocky grin you poked his cheek earning a hushed whine of discomfort from you which you found adorable

"but I'm your idiot, so you're stuck with me!"

Axis

Axis is the type where he will tell you when he's sad, he's a crybaby so he will absolutely let you know when he needs comfort. So when the male popped up while you were thinking about what to do for dinner you figured he was feeling down

"what's wrong ax?"

"artblock..I have to come up with a new piece but i have nothing"

You gave a small hum before stopping and turned around wrapping your arms around him.

"well, how about we go on a date tonight we can go out to eat and do a bunch of fun stuff.."

"like fireworks?!"

You sighed loudly at your boyfriend's obsession with fireworks and decided to please him and his wishes

"we can get sparklers and small stuff okay?"

Axis smiled brightly and kissed your cheek over and over.

"date night date night!"

He started chanting like a child and you couldn't help but laugh at his antics but you were glad he wasn't sad anymore.

Prince

Prince hides his insecurities very well with flirting and smooth words, he likes you to think that he's all okay. you noticed he was far more clumsy today with things, it went from simply dropping things to full on tripping and falling.

Prince winced as he tripped and fell ontop of you earning an annoyed huff from you as you glared up at him for of his weird behavior that he brushes aside like its nothing

"prince what the hell is going on? You're being weird today"

Prince looked down at you before letting out a loud groan before nuzzling his face into your neck feeling quite embarrassed

"I'm scared..of our future"

"why would that scare you?"

Prince picked his head up and had a slight pout before he glanced away being unsure of how to put his words together.

"you're my first real serious relationship..what if I screw up?"

"oh princey.."

Your soft cooing made him even more embarrassed and he groaned while laying his face in your chest.

"you're amazing and great and I'm just..me!"

You simply messed with his hair finding his remark to be pretty dumb but you excused it cause he looked far too cute when pouty.

"prince, I love you forever and ever you aren't going to screw it up"

After a few minutes of silence he popped up and hopped to his feet with newfound energy

"you're right! I mean I'm pretty great! I bet you wanna marry me cause I'm so handsome!"

Well he was definitely back to normal

Yuki

It honestly took you weeks to figure out yuki was upset cause he is the master of hiding his emotions. He never shows many emotions besides a smile when around you or a glare when around strangers.

of course he doesn't talk about his feelings at all either so you are blissfully unaware of how he feels, until he slipped up and finally broke.

You had come home from shopping when you noticed how quiet the house was which was normal but it had an eerie feeling to it.

"is he taking a nap? Hmm.."

You went to the room and opened the door to see yuki curled up in the bed, the light were off and he was pretty quiet so you assumed he was sleeping but as you started to get ready for a shower when a muffled sniffle made you turn back to yuki and you walked to him before softly moving the blankets only to get a slight sight of tears before he buried himself deeper into the pillow to hide.

"y-yuki?"

"go."

You sat on the bed now fully invested in helping him but you had a feeling you knew what was wrong, you softly rubbed his back seeing that he was sweaty and slightly shaking.

"you have a nightmare?"

There was silence before he nodded and you simply laid next to him facing his back and softly touching his back your gentle touch being enough to cheer him up.

When he turned to face you his eyes were puffy yet had bags under them, his hair was a mess and he was breathing harshly from fear.

"wanna talk about i-"

"no."

You gave a sigh and simply cuddled against him and closed your eyes, his body stiffened but quickly relaxed before he held you close and closed his eyes

"just rest then. I'm here now okay?"

"mhm.."

Yuki smiled as he buried his face in your hair taking in your scent and feeling his body settle against yours. He didn't need words of comfort or huge signs of affection this was all he needed..you being here helped him far more than any words can.

Salem

When salem breaks down it's heartbreaking and intense, he gets into these PTSD triggered panic attacks to the point where he just loses it.

You had left the house and left him alone, it was only for a few hours but when you came back the bedroom was trashed and salem was freaking out curled up in the corner.

"b-bad boy, very bad super bad..I've been so bad I'm so sorry sorry sorry sorry"

"salem!"

You rushed to him and sat on your knees infront of him seeing fresh bruises and marks on his face, he probably hurt himself again.

"salem, baby look at me"

"b-bad boy..bad boys deserve death"

He was definitely not listening and you totally needed to snap him out of it so you did the one thing you could think of...you slapped him.

It wasn't too hard but he definitely looked up at you in shock now focused on what you had to say.

"you're not in that dark place anymore salem, you're here with me and no one is dying okay?"

"b-but I'm a sinner, I'm disgusting, revolting, i-"

You cut him off by selling your lips against his roughly kissing him and settling him down.

When you pulled back you gave him a stern gaze not letting him spill anymore degrading words out.

"listen to me salem. I love you and all your weird quirks! I don't care what anyone else says you're my boyfriend and I love you more than anything okay?"

"y-your lips t-taste like sugar.."

With that he leaned forward trailing his tongue over your lips with a shaky laugh

"thank you, [y/n]"

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 // larkspur lane/the whisper box

this post is a double whammy cause they have 2 eps happen in the same day if u can believe it (thats how awful judging timelines in this show is!!)

-"hi josh..." LMAOOOOOOO

-BESS just breaking in lmaooo how many god damn times does bess just shit the bed in this show

-LOVE her frowny face at nancys closet ("my expectations are low" lmfaoooo but this would totally be me)

-"bet she meant it metaphorically" okayyy but then why did lucy say that at all? i feel like theres defo more to this story, combined with josh's cagey behavior (part of which is to get nancy to stop looking into shit d/t him and karen but still)

-"they dont accept visitors unless they're family" .....🙂

-ace "youre really good at that" to bess i fuckin love this friendship with all my heart (also love their talk at the claw mirroring nick & nancys talk in the last ep)

-also PINK AND ORANGE BESS ARE U BLIND (also 1) why tf would nancy own this and 2) where would she wear it??)

-okay wtf is vampire dip

-"boss??" see this is what i meant yesterday about nancy ruining everything for nick/george

-god DAMN she sucks at dealing with this news lmaooo that emotional competency babey + love george literally agrees to help bc she feels bad (AND nicks immediate look of "you just reprimanded me for helping her last ep and i know why youre doing this rn" lmaoooo)

-LOVE george noticing nick "shout out to jean valjean" lmaooo once again nancy would never have noticed/commented on something like that

-"get the hell out of here" was this foreshadowing for an epic dad joke for these two eps? "how do you make holy water? you boil the hell out of it" 😂😂😂😂

-so what i dont get about the whole haunting is the ball + kids' laughter but its all the emphasis on "mr roper" the adult? wtf like what kind of entity is this

-"how did you ever have a solo career??" 😂

-okay amaya's hair is gorgeous here (also "you feel like a snack" ....👀) *ahhh so the reason bess feels so off balance is bc its like a top vs a top scenario

-has anyone who's ever been to prison confirmed this is what it looks like?

-love how ace is the only employee there when they all leave so he had to fucking close the place when he goes

-why does she take the whole file? time constraints? it'd be smarter to take pics + replace it (better sleuthing) but this place is clearly not well run anyway 😂

-so this is a pretty decent cover she invents but theres no way she would get away with it so easily for a real guard

-love how ace recognizes ryan's car (+ is able to find it by driving around)

-"my father wouldnt do anything like that" LMFAOOOOOO SIS WHY ARE U DEFENDING HIM ironically, ace is actually the best person suited to engage w ryan here d/t the car accident + connection with laura being ryans SIL. its a unique set up

-i am fascinated by the concept of priests + holy water being so effective here combined with mcginnis' beliefs and basically nondenominational ghosts/seances etc after that. the show is very clearly big on diversity but definitely steers clear from too much WASP stuff yk? wonder if other stuff from christianity works against the ghosts/demons like taking refuge in a church "holy ground" or using silver etc

-"did this start after the night of sept 10?" *this is where you get the time line for the seance if you didnt know

-this is so fucking funny when u realize that patient sal talks to is actually a ghost so sal really is psycho i guess 😂

-bitchsplain/tall jar of mayonnaise 🙏🏻😌 2gether 4ever

-how did ace get this van? also heart attack when he yells at carson (but then grins at him like a goofball lmaooo)

-"for nancys sake and yours" damn she owes ace big time for all this shit

-"what do we do for 7 minutes?" ...ummm play 7 minutes in heaven lmaooo 👀🥵

-was not expecting ace to look this sexy holding an axe but okay (*ah, its his short sleeve shirt showing his arms. usually hes a sleeves guy)

-"desperate for attention" nancy (from gomber) vs "bc she's starved for attention" patrice --> lucy (and candace also...) we know nancys detective work makes her seem like an attention seeker, but what was lucy doing to make them all think that? she was trying to hide her relationship with ryan, not expose it. unless they just mean the rumors about her?

-so is patrice hiding lucy's "truth" talking about lucy being a whore or lucy being a ghost? what is lucy's secret? did patrice guess she was pregnant or did patrice's somehow garbled mind remember tiffany trying to show patrice the video with lucy on it?

-wonder what captain thom thinks of this stand off w ace lmaooo

-"like you do?" top v top shenanigans

-how awko for carson to talk to karen again like this

-"oh no" ACE 😂

-love how amaya says "be a human" like shes kind of admitting people in rich circles typically arent (^this is an interesting focus in s2 when bess's rich family rejects her, thus making her human again, but nancy embraces her rich fam and experiences subsequent moral struggle which is predicted with the wraith)

-wonder what ryan thinks he could get from the marvins (which he cant get now lmaooo)

-this damn whisper box. so many questions. who named it the whisper box? why are the ropers' old possessions still there? who decided to build a mental hospital on top of it? and patrice! she "hid lucy's secrets" hannah gruen thinks tiffany tried to show patrice video w lucy on it, which patrice then specifically says she hid in the thin mans book. so patrice knows of the thin man? can she see him? does she know he was a ghost/supernatural? she must have a supernatural sense to know about him (unless sal told or some shit) so then when tiffany shows up w/ lucy being supernatural in it patrice hides it to protect her? is this why she is "crazy" kinda like victoria? supernatural elements or ability to sense ghosts makes her unstable? this is why lucy being a ghost/nursery rhyme that she repeats makes patrice worse/"stroke"? how did patrice even get into the whisper box to put the key in the bible and get out without getting trapped? also, her dementia --> lucidity is really fucking off, some people mildly switch like that but usually with dementia they cant even register new shit anymore

-...so did bess take the ride? 👀

-interesting how celia says "your father will be disappointed" but nothing of her own opinion. wonder how much celia truly puts up with to keep everett calm and nonhomicidal

-like george asking nick follow up questions that nancy never really would have asked

🥞🥞🥞(ep13)🥞🥞🥞

-is this bitch just eating a plain pancake with her bare hand?

-"extra case load and excessive volunteering" ugh. nancy's family here are like, gross in how "good" of people they are // unrealistic, trying to paint carson in the best light/ no way ryan could ever compare (but the reality is theyre not that good of people for lying about nancy) **and shes arrogant to think shes better than everyone else ie the only one who truly lives virtuously, thinks she can do no wrong sometimes even tho using sex to cope, breaking and entering, etc is not morally "good" stuff she still thinks she is the only one who doesnt lie and plays fair (like in the pilot she lists everyone else as a suspect but herself- obviously we know she isnt guilty but no one else does. (i mean in theory we really dont, what if nancy was an unreliable narrator and was actually guilty, that would be a hella cool show)its reactions like that where she cant understand why others like the chief suspect her

-ooooh ironic that in the Good Place carson readily agrees to pay her for helping with cases as opposed to s2 in reality

-nick's house has "problems" so why does he need a lawyer? as opposed to an interior designer, plumber, or realtor?

-in the Good Place nick and george realize they are not going to work out after one date. does this failure in the Good Place predict failure in reality, or merely an easier way of figuring out the truth? does this mean that the "opposite" of the Good Place is reality, or only an opinion of what is better? (nancy says "you all like me" as her opinion of them liking her is skewed; does this then only reflect nancys version for what is the "perfect life"?)

-why is bess a hippie??? and love how george curls her hair and wears pink lipstick here

-if this dream is so realistic then why is the one thing it cant conjure smoke? like how random

-love the locket being a key realization bc with things like jewelry you dont notice the weight of them until theyre gone

-"you all like me" in her perfect life nancy means they "like" her objectively/regardless of circumstance even though liking her is still an objective choice (like they "like" her because of other reasons instead of her working at the claw? (like how you make friends with coworkers/people at school every day but after you leave the job/graduate you never speak to them again) and her "thanks for showing up!" as if theyre not doing exactly that in reality 😐like where is she getting this shit? she sort of acknowledges in earlier eps she is hard to like/that she puts mysteries before friends, but also pushing them away to avoid danger like the previous ep "why do u show up" etc

-is it just me or does the inside of nicks "house" look like the drews'?

-nick has a dick scar lmaooooo (or more likely was hit in the balls or smth)

-love how nick + george match their anger in confronting sal 100% on the same level

-so when did ace go back to work after having such a busy day earlier?? lmaooo

-damn father shane is a creep (casting defo hired him for his voice) and how tf did he just poof + escape? and what did he request???

-love bess's white hair bow here 😌+ her jacket, whole outfit on point as usual

-like how bess is right that nancy has to find her way out but thats kind of a nonstarter for a room full of panicked people wanting to help

-in the Good Place theres no bad blood between drews + hudsons bc nancy is really theirs

-"the only one who has the key is you" in the Good Place nancy has the key (smaller picture, to finding out what happened to lucy but bigger picture, post-reveal) but ryan has the clues nancy needs- following the Good Place's mirroring, this just means that in reality ryan will either be completely useless or an active hindrance (but you KNOW this is a dream bc in what universe would ryan remember clues like that 😂)

-so in a perfect universe ryan acknowledges his family's "criminal empire" as opposed to reality where he only makes under cover jabs about disengaging with being an "entitled corrupt legacy criminal" ie finding the bonny scot relics but does nothing about them, etc

-"strippers" 😂

-okay what is nancys obsession w her beanie?? bc her mom made it? "wear beanies do crimes?" idk

-making the call: nancy -unable to make up for lost time/both her mothers had to find out/suffer alone / in the Good Place nancy was able to be with kate while she called, and in reality she had carson; somethig about seeing the mother looking to the daughter for strength in the Good Place instead of the reverse (which is what reality sounded like, kate being strong for nancy through the illness despite the struggle)

-concept: nancy & nick "let's wait out the storm"

-"i believe that you believe it" nick in the Good Place + owen in reality both trust nancy when she says she's seen things (owen's is the teeth) but nick in reality (and not really knowing details) doesnt think much of their "moment" bc it wasnt real (so she had to leave the Good Place to save carson- but if she had known then he wasnt her real dad, would she have stayed to be w nick?)

-stranger - suede james 💙👌🏻

-"really anxious as a kid" v telling bc of her desire to know everything to remain in control of situations like she always does now

-"the medicine or the metaphysics?"/"you cannot beat supernatural with science"

-i love nancy playing with her pinky while saying goodbye 🥺

-"always seek out the truth even if it hurts" this is straight irony bc kate never told nancy anything. like does that include the truth about nancys parentage? they taught her to seek out the truth, but who taught her that the truth is the only thing to live by? ie things dont count anymore like carson and kate straight up raising her is tossed out bc she finds out its not "the truth" like all that work/stress to protect carson + she just drops him? with kate maybe shes just upset thst she spent all that time mourning for someone who lied. and would she do the same to ryan if needed? probably

-bess and ace head tilt 💙

-like how for all the time she spent there nancy only has a subconscious memory of blue curtains

-YESSSSS i LOVEthese beautiful overhead shots of hannah's hands. so out of character for the show lmao but so gorgeous

-i feel like future eps/grand future will be nancy going through the lock boxes to help people who asked hannah for help

-the video is officially dated Aug 22, 2019

-soooooo in the first ep nancy breaks into the hudsons house and finds tiffanys secret drawer w the nail polish and finds the amulet with a note that says "for your protection HG" yet on this video tiffany says she talked to a medium who gave her the amulet sooooo am i just confused? HG is hannah gruen obvi so is the address for the medium what hannah gave her? or was the address on the amulet which nancy dissolved in salt water to see? so how would tiffany know where to go? its chicken and the egg which came first hannah or the medium?

and lastly:

i close these two eps with a thought that everything in this show is sealed in death. all the lies, the imagery, the fake constructs people put up to get by all crumple the second someone dies- all the secrets come clean just like these doors have been unsealed.

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

Another reason people probably didnt like Symphonia their first time but later loved it is because of the themes and undertones. Here is another essay that's going to be a very quick Symphonia walkthrough as a young child playing.

Here's a warning: I mention some stuff that happens in Symphonia. It will be mostly vague but there will be mention of death. There also might be some spoilers in here but nothing too serious, just some of the beginning story more than likely.

Let me begin by saying the box art looks pretty cool for the Gamecube but the front and back does look like a very, very young child's RPG. It seems like an RPG that was creates for super young children that havent hit there teens or are in the very first years of being a teen.

I'm about to give a quick walkthrough as if I am a very young kid playing Symphonia for the first time. This is to show why a lot of people had this as their first game in the series but didnt like it. Why a lot of people weren't the biggest fans until their second playthrough or when they gave it another chance and realized it is absolutely stunning. A top 10 game of all time across every platform created.

First off, there was a lot of adult themes and tones in Symphonia. Obviously, I dont mean nudity or sexually explicit material. I'm talking about the Desian Camps. The idea that millions of people are being captured, put to work, then put to death or letting them die. These type of adult themes.

The first time we played, we were young. We didnt get choked up or super sentimental about what was going on in video games. We didn't care so much about the parallels between real life and our video games. Usually, we just wanted something fun to play. I mentioned it earlier but the start of Symphonia looks super childish and like it's going to be a lighthearted adventure. You have a cast of kids (2 very young adults that added comedy and badassness). A majority of the beginning fights are snakes, birds, bunnies, and bears. The battle system is fun but also easy enough to get the hang of. You can honestly button mash with the occasional arte and not worry about combos . You didnt have to worry about combos at all, really, and just use artes when you wanted. Some of the artes were pretty cool looking and strong too which added more of a "wow, the combat system is cool. There's attacks and a bunch of power attacks you can use. You can also move around and dont have to wait like a turn base game." It's also possible to just button mash or use all your MP on Artes and really kick their ass.

Combining all of those elements together makes it seem more kid friendly than it really is. Playing through the start makes you feel like a 10 year old playing his first RPG with an age appropriate game since you control a bunch of kids. The fights are easy and usually bees or some weak animal. Nothing serious, really. The artes are cool and the more artes you learn, the cooler and more fun Lloyd gets. It's cool to play as Lloyd when you learn a new arte or two.

So far everything has been pretty lighthearted. This RPG is fun, the characters are pretty cool and can be funny. The dungeons aren't super confusing. It's just a fun game overall but nothing spectacular or crazy. Really the worst thing that has happened is "Desians bad. They destroy hometown over something stupid."

Marble's scene is the only real adult sad part in the game so far. They kill Marble in a way that you kind of don't get crushed by emotions. They let you down pretty easy and you get Marble's ring for Genis so now she is always with you. Her death isn't too bad because she was old and it was just one old woman in the game. It's sad but not devastating. Also the Ranch. They use them as slaves. But tbh it doesn't really hit you that they resemble real world stuff and you dont see the parallels like you should. You just kind of write it off as shitty and Desians are evil and the bad guys. Surely you save everyone from the ranches and that's the point of the game. Kill Desians and save everyone.

You get to the dessert oasis where Colette crashed through the wall. Cute and funny. Oh, Lloyd and Genis get captured by bad Desians but the wanted posters were bad so it made it funny. Eventually, You escaped the bad, bad Desians and are back with your friends, yay!!! You go to the fire shrine, finally see more menacing enemies but they still arent that bad, and start your first puzzle dungeon! It's short but a lot of fun with a boss fight. It was a little tough but fun!! You beat the shrine, yay!!!

The serious Angel (Remiel) comes down again and talks to Colette and the gang. He gives her wings! She is becoming an angel. At this point you are thinking, "How cool. Colette is becoming an angel!!! She has wings now and can probably fly wherever she wanted to go! This game is really fun. It's not bad at all. The weapons and equipment aren't difficult and it's fun buying or finding stuff better than what you have and equipping the new stuff. The skits can be funny too and I get to know the characters better with the skits. This game is really cool, actually." It's time to speed this post up, though. I'll be going faster and doing more short versions/storytelling.

We sail across seas and bow we are at Palmacosta!!! Here's where things get a little weird and stuff too. So Palmacosta is cool. We look through town, only to find imposters. That's right. These fools are pretending to be me and my gang. Im the one with a cool group and shit. People wanna be me so bad!!! Lol.

By the way. General Dorr is also the Mayor of Palmacosta.

Imposters are rude and we meet mayor who seems cool till he tells us he thought the imposters were us and gave them a book we need. So....little me is like

"YOU DID WHAT!?" .... so we leave. Lol

We go to mountain gate, cant pass yet, learn Palmacosta is under attack by ... you guessed it... Desians. ,

*little me has eyes stretch wide open* But I was just there!!!! Sucks, I know.

So we head back and make it to Palmacosta. Remember the girl we saved from extreme questioning and customers that were badgering the girl since she was the store clerk/owner. Of course not. I never mentioned it. I saved her back then at the start of Palmacosta. Naturally they chose Chocolate, in some weird, sick revenge way for me making them look weak when they verbally attacked her. So Chocolate is about to hang and be killed. Some stuff happens and Lloyd ends up using his sword to save Chocolate. Boom. He is a hero. He saved someone from hanging....

Wait.... hanging? In kids game? Damn that's a little intense for a kids game but I guess you do save her. Carry on.....

So let's speak to the Mayor. He was conveniently gone while that was happening but meh. Coincidence right? Yeah. Yeah.

Talking to the General/Mayor we decide to go rescue everyone who has been kidnapped from Palmacosta. By the way there's a ranch for most cities that Desian's manage. So there is a Palmacosta Ranch and a bunch of people from Palmacosta are now held prisoners in the Ranch. Boo! But I digress.

Off to Palmacosta ranch!!! We finally reach it and... oh look... General Dorr"s personal Aide/Assistant. What's this? He is a traitor!? You've got to be kidding me! I trusted that dude!!! Maybe that will teach little me to be careful about who I hang out with. A pretty good life lesson for little me and nothing too serious. I'll handle that later though, and rescue the prisoners in the Palmacosta Ranch.

We save Chocolate but she would almost rather die than be saved by you. So you save her but not without a fight and learning some shocking stuff that little me is like "WHAAAA!!!???!??? NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY!!!!!!!! she still lives cause of you and you fight the leader of the Ranch and win that battle!!!

So yay!!! You won the battle and beat Palmacosta Ranch! Good job little you! You did awesome!!! The game has been really great, with a pretty light tone for the most part. Everything is bright, the enemies arent that bad at all, nothing truly fucked up has ha---"we're going to blow up the Ranch with people still in it" -Raine.

That's right.... "YOU'RE GONNA WHAT!?!?"

So yeah, we blow up Palmacosta Ranch. Desians were probably still inside along with a janitor named Chet that everyone forgot about lol. So bye bye Ranch!!!

"That got dark really fast and Raine is pretty ruthless but most people escaped. I guess I can kind of forgive that. This game is definitely darker than I thought but it could be worse. Most people escaped anyways I am sure. So it's not that bad." -me.

Back to Palmacosta to confront the traitor General Dorr!! Here we are! General Dorr and his daughter are standing suspiciously in the basement of the government building in Palmacosta. I'm sure he knows that he has been found out. I know he tried to sabotage the Chosen's journey. He has no exc--- OH NO! They got his wife with the Demon Seed, too!! Now she is a monster! No wonder he is a traitor. He is trying to get a potion which is the cure to save his wife. I kind of get it but that's pretty messed up. He is basically being held hostage. This game just got a little darker.... but it could be worse, I suppo----WHAT!? HIS DAUGHTER IS A DEMON! DID SHE JUST SAY SHE KILLED HIS DAUGHTER A LONG TIM AGO AND HE WAS TOO STUPID TO NOTICE!?"

She really just called him stupid and is acting like he is the biggest idiot for not knowing she killed his daughter!!! This whole time she has pretended to be his daughter. That means she probably went to her school, played with her friends, talked to her dad and played with him. She probably told him she loved him which is so messed up. She also knew there was no potion but continued to watch him and be ready to kill him if he tried to snitch about his wife. This got dark really fucking fast wtf!!! She is a complete demon stranger in a girls body pretending she loves her daddy, plays with friends, and does child things but is a demon the whole time. "I love you daddy says the demon pretending to be your daughter. That's really sick and twisted. Sad thing is little me is like "well that's weird. How did no one notice at all she was acting odd?

Maybe she didn't have any friends and her dad is to distracted about the medicine for his wife, he doesn't notice.

That's absolutely crazy and completely dark. Woah. This game is way way darker than it lead me to believe when I was young. That was pretty much my first reaction/playthrough when I was little. Symphonia is dark as fuck.

I played a little bit further to the next ranch my first playthrough but quit when I found out they were killing people like it was nothing. I was really little then, too, btw. I quit because it got really dark and kind of weird and complicated to fully grasp everything going on and the parallels to the real world. I always played RPGs relating it to real life and such. I have done that since my first RPG so with Symphonia I had to quit. It was too dark and weird when I first played it.

Once I came back and beat Symphonia I thought it was Brilliant. It was absolutely amazing and worth so much more praise. I loved it and still do. Even the dark side of things.

Turns out I am not the only one who did this. Play through, reach a dark part or part where you realize how dark it is, and then quit. I'm glad I picked it back up, though. It's almost a perfect game!!!

So yeah... here's a playthrough of little me and Symphonia. I was too little to be playing games with dark themes even if they were short or small. I say this because I was stupid small and really let my imagination run wild when I played games and read. I often make things 20 times worse so I really shouldn't have played Symphonia till later.

Anyways it's amazing. Nearly perfect.

Enjoy your games, everyone. If you arent currently doing so, find a Tales game to pick up and start playing!!! Tales of Arise or some other Tales game will be here before you know it so practice up!!! Play a Tales game!!!

[magnoliawhetstone]

Introducing The Whetstones || 10.31.2020

“Why you wanna marry me anyhow?

                                                                                              So I can kiss you anytime I want.”

                                                           Wedding Song || Vows

“People always used to laugh at me when I said I believed in soulmates--as if they were silly myth that didn’t exist. They’d appease me for a moment and then do their best to remind me how the real world works. But I couldn’t understand why they didn’t believe in them--wasn’t it obvious? Now I realize that the reason it was so obvious to me was because I had found my soulmate at seven years old with the little boy living next door to me who would invite me over to play and ride horses and bake with his momma--who made a place for me in his life when others wouldn’t. Soulmates are rare, yes--but they aren’t a myth. And I think our love story proves that. I Happy wedding day, baby. Can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate.”

Jack feels like it’s a dream when he rolls over and finds a head of blonde hair next to him. Of course, he quickly realizes it’s not when he inhales a mouthful of hair and tries not to gag on it. “Hey,” his voice is soft as it comes out, his hand dragging up the soft skin of Lia’s arm until he can twist his fingers into hers, “Mags- hey, you should wake up. Don’t you and Moira have a costume shopping thing happening in like… an hour?” Jack’s eyes flicker to the clock that sits on the bedside table closest to Magnolia’s head and it’s already 10:30- this is the first time he’s slept in in years and there’s nothing he wants more than to stay curled up around Magnolia forever. Jack cuddles in closer and slides his leg between hers, his cold toes pressing against her ankle, “It’s not like you to sleep in like this. Come on, Mags- don’t make me tickle you.” His hand brushes over her side, “I’ll do it. I will.” 

“Mmmmhh,” She mumbles incoherently as she feels Jack’s fingers intertwine with hers. “Shopping can wait till later. I am not moving.” She presses herself closer to him to emphasize the point.  In truth, Jack was right--Magnolia didn’t sleep in hardly ever but that was before she’d fallen asleep in Jack’s bed with him beside her. Now the idea of never leaving was a thousand times more compelling and she was planning to do just that. She jumped softly as the shock of cold on her ankles but still made no move to get up. Sleeping next to Jack was by far the most comfortable position she’d ever been in and waking up next to him was something she could do forever, if given the option. She yawns lazily, shifting slight to adjust to fall back asleep when she hears his threat. “You wouldn’t,” Lia’s eyes open just a slight bit more, sending him a glare. “Don’t you dare tickle me mister, I can’t be held responsible for what happens if you do!” 

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” his fingers dance over her side and he gives it a squeeze in hopes that she’ll jump. Jack leans forward and over her, a smile pulling wide across his face as he does, “You know she’ll kill you if you’re late. Or she’ll kill me. Regardless of who she kills, one of us will be suffering, so you really should get up.” Jack lays down on top of Magnolia while laughing - it may not be his entire body weight but they break out in giggles, “Do you have any ideas on what you’re thinking of getting for a costume? I have no desire in the slightest to go get a costume so I was thinking like… James Bond or something. Slick back hair- suit, you know… the usual.” It’s not that Jack hated Halloween- he really didn’t, in fact- he loved getting to dress up, but this year had been weird and he was just ready for the month to be over. 

“Jack!” She gasps slightly, laughter escaping from her as she looks at him more clearly. She watches as a few stray curls fall in front of his eyes and her heart jumps in the same way her body did when he squeezed her side. She thought herself a pretty focused person, all things considered--until you threw Jack Whetstone in the mix. Just a look at him and her whole train of thought just fly out the window. Lia’s lips slipped into a sly smirk, her free hand maneuvering up to brush the curls from his eyes before she leaned forward to kiss him gently. “First of all, I’m a princess to her--so that grants me royal immunity,” She teased, another giggle bubbling from within her. She didn’t believe Moira when she called her a princess, but she was also pretty convinced the woman would let her being a teensy-bit late slide, all things considered. “And secondly, I can probably use that immunity on you too--but if you are really that tired of me hogging your bed…” A quick peck on the nose and she thought on his question. “Well I don’t know--I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in years. Usually I’m working.” Most holidays she’s working, but that wasn’t the question. “The usual? So, you think you’re usually 007, huh? I mean, I suppose you’re handsome enough for it,” She laughed again, her arms snaking to wrap loosely around his neck. “Well the obvious choice is some sort of princess or--like a mouse? But I don’t know, I kind of think it’d be fun to do something not obvious for once, y’know? Throw everyone off their groove?”

“You’re a princess to everyone, Mags. It’ll always amaze me how you don’t see how people lay down and roll over like lovesick puppies for you,” He pressed his lips to her shoulder and kissed across it- they’d hardly done anything more than kissing and cuddling, but this was enough for Jack for once. This felt right. “I’m pretty damn sure I’m James Bond at all times,” he rolled his eyes at the expected jar comment that he knew would follow- at this rate, he was pretty sure he could afford to buy an engagement ring with the amount of money he owed Magnolia. “What if we did like… a couple’s costume? I know that’s cliche and I know we arent a couple…” his words hung in the air for a moment. What even were they anyways? Basically a couple, right? Just one that never spoke about how they felt, “I’d offer to be someone from Pride and Prejudice but honestly… I don’t think I can pull off the look.” Jack let his hands hang off of Magnolia’s arms, his thumb brushing against her soft skin, “Well… if you’re looking for something not obvious, I think playing it safe is not the way to go.” 

“Lovesick puppies?” A soft giggle escaped her lips as she felt him kiss her shoulders. “Oh please, they don’t do that. I just ask nicely and usually they are nice enough to help out--or my bag of baked goods helps. I’m like Mary Poppins but with cookies!” Nothing about this scenario felt wrong or weird to her--like it was just normal to wake up in the bed of your crush without anything having happened the night before and the idea that it felt just right made her smile wide. “Jack--” She looked around the room they were in and let out a sigh. “Dang it, the jar doesn’t count in the bedroom.” Lia sent him a wink and she laughed a little, swiftly moving on to his next suggestion--a couples costume. Or, rather, a not-officially-a-couple couples costume. That name didn’t roll off the tongue half as well--but nevermind that. “First of all, you could pull off anything you wanted to--but even so, Pride and Prejudice might still be too obvious. Oh--wait, you said James Bond, don’t those movies always have a,” She furrowed her brows as she tried to think of the name, it resting on the top of her tongue. “A Bond Girl!” A Bond Girl--you forgot the name of Bond Girl. “What about that? I mean, to be fair I’ve never seen a James Bond movie--am I totally off base?”

If Jack had been drinking water, he would’ve choked, “Doesn’t count in the…” he let out a nervous laugh, “There you go surprising me again, as usual.” He buried his head into Lia’s neck as she rattled out ideas of a bond girl while he tried to think through his own. Austin Powers came to mind- and while that’d be fun, he didn’t think it’d quite hit the mark like he wanted it to. The thing was… Jack was tired of them playing this game- he was tired of them dancing around the idea of a relationship or of dating. They’d been metaphorically dating for most of their lives at this point, and maybe that’s why he’d been so reluctant to truly put effort into sealing the deal because he knew it took so much to start when really… he was ready to have the white picket fence ending with Magnolia tomorrow, if he could. Jack pulled Magnolia closer to him, “Maybe not James Bond… what about… I mean, like… assassins are kinda cool, aren’t they? Or spies? We don’t necessarily need to be characters, right?” It was in that moment that he had an epiphany-, “Wait! Have you ever seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith?” Jack pulled back, a wild grin on his face, “That would be so badass.” 

“I have all sorts of tricks up my sleeve,” She grinned and kissed the top of his head as he buried his face in her shoulder. “Haven’t figured me out yet y’know.” Lia teased, her fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair as she listened to his follow up--though her mind was caught up in the idea of a couples costume--whatever they were, it was still enough to dress up in a costume that matched. But they had always done that, in some way--perhaps that was the first sign that there was clearly something more between them. Well, not the first sign--their inability to stay separate from each other was clearly number one. There would have been no shuffling in the tilt-a-whirl line if that wasn’t the case. But it wasn’t like she wanted to stay away either--as cheesy as it sounded, her world never felt more upright and normal than when she was with Jack and it made her heart skip when she thought about it. “Assassins? Oh wait--that’s the movie with Brad and Angelina, right?” Part of her was shocked that she had even seen the movie, but it had been years ago and didn’t remember much of it, except the fact they were married and….were trying to kill eachother. But they could leave that part out. Her face lit up. “No, that’s perfect. Like it’s a fantastic mix of James Bond and Bond Girl but with a twist.” She paused for a moment. “Wait--can we do that scene where they’re dancing in their fancy clothes but she also has a weapon on her thigh?” Lia had always thought that was the coolest part. “I love this idea.”

Jack couldn’t hold back a laugh, “Oh, so you’re telling me sweet little miss Magnolia Barnes wants to walk around with a gun strapped to her thigh and a cut in her dress up to her waist?” He bit his lip to bite back a bigger smile and squeezed her side, “I mean- it’s an easy costume, right?” Mr. and Mrs. Smith. He could do that- it was classy enough for a ball, but fun enough for a couple’s costume. Jack thought about the little paper ring in his bedside dresser- he’d been playing around with origami for a while and he’d made it on a whim- hoping to give it to Magnolia as a fun, whimsical gift when she needed a pick-me-up. It took a moment- a moment of Lia fumbling around with her words and Jack staring at her lips moving for him to comprehend the thoughts racing through his head. Lia. Ring. Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Couple. Costume. Ring. Lia. Ring. Mr. & Mrs. Jack sucked in a breath of air- the thought… the idea was crazy. It was… Jack knew it was possibly maybe even the dumbest thing he’d ever do or even suggest- but they’d waited so long. It was gonna happen someday, anyways, wasn’t it? “Hey… Magnolia?” Jack waited until he’d caught her eye, “You remember when our parents sat us down and told us that one day we’d be required to marry?” He remembered that day- it’d been the best day of his life- getting to marry the girl he’d been in love with for years sounded like heaven. “I know I acted like I was upset- like I didn’t want it,” Jack sucked in a deep breath. Was this going to be the conversation they’d been avoiding for months? Now? In his bed, a mess of tangled curls and twisted bedsheets? “But since then, I haven’t really thought about anything but getting to marry you. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since then- not without that thought of getting to be at the end of an aisle you get to walk down to me.” He pulled himself away from Magnolia and dug around in his bedside drawer and when he rolled back over, he held the little paper ring up between the two of them, “I guess I’m just trying to…” he paused, sucked in a deep breath, and asked, “Why don’t we just go as Mr. & Mrs. Whetstone instead? Would you marry me and give me the honor of making you my forever partner? Even more so than you already are.” 

“Maybe I’m not so sweet after all. It’s not fair if only Nic gets to have all the fun” She nudged him lightly, jumping with a laugh at his squeeze. “I mean, that’s proof enough that its definitely not something people would think I’d wear.” Lia nodded a few times--Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that was perfect. After all, she already had dresses like that...well, not exactly like that, but she could find one easily. Plus, getting to see Jack in a suit was not her idea of a bad night, that’s for sure. It was a masquerade ball too! So they’d fit right in--wow, there really couldn’t have been a better costume idea. Her mind wandered around the idea again, trying to figure out just where she was going to get a thigh holster in Chicago--and also how to put one on. Maybe she’d get Moira to help her...Blinking a few times, she heard Jack use her name and her eyes locked with his. Something was different in the way he looked at her and she chewed her lip lightly, suddenly slightly nervous. Slowly nodding as she sat up, she listened, suddenly she was immediately back in that chair, all the way in South Carolina, looking at her momma as if she was crazy--when in reality she believed this might have been the only good thing she’d ever done. Marrying Jack was the one part of her future she had never wanted to change--and finding him again reignited a slight bit of hope that maybe it wouldn’t have to. She knew it was a long time coming if that were the case, right? Right? There was...was no way--was there? Magnolia heard the words he was saying--the words that echoed exactly what she felt but it wasn’t until a small, crafted paper ring appeared between them that Lia felt herself gasp loudly. Her hand flew to her mouth as she looked at him, the ring, and him again. No, this had to be a dream--there was no way he was proposing to her--and yet… “Jack--” Her mind spun, trying to find words to complete her though, the moment rendering her speechless in the best way. “Yes!” She finally managed to say, in between laughs and sniffles. It didn’t matter to her that they hadn’t ever said they were a couple--or been on a date. Magnolia Barnes had always known what her answer would have been if he had asked her to marry him--that was a choice she had made on her own years ago and one that had not changed. “Of course--of course. I can think of no better way I’d ever want to spend the rest of my life, Jack Whetstone. No better way.” Without thinking, she pulled him into a kiss--perhaps with slightly more force than she had anticipated. “Oops,” She giggled slightly, “Sorry.”

Jack felt his heart throb in his chest- the moment of silence that lingered between the two of them as he got his words out and just before she answered felt like a million years and less than a second all in one moment. Her ‘yes!’ had him laughing, tears maybe brimming his eyes (not that he’d admit that) and he eagerly leaned into the kiss, not at all minding the way their teeth clashed together as he went. Jack pulled back after a few more kisses and hopped out of bed- he followed the movement with half a happy dance and half a pace across the room, “Okay- we gotta call Momma, I’ll call the private jet company- Vegas sounds good, right? Not that either of us would normally get married there, but that makes sense, right? We’ll find a photographer and get married tomorrow morning. Halloween. Fly back just in time for the gala and then… surprise everyone?” Jack bit his lip- while he may not have been a planner like his fiance, he still liked to have things in order. “We’ll get you a dress in Vegas. Maybe get Elvis to marry us, too?” Jack was certain that his Momma would never let him get away with only an elopement, so the idea of having fun with the first ceremony- one for just the two of them (plus his momma), was his ideal perfect day. Jack jumped back on the bed and pulled Magnolia into another kiss, “Come on’, future Mrs. Whetstone- we got a lot to do and you still gotta go see Moira.” 

A wash of utter joy spread over Magnolia’s entire being as she watched him react to her acceptance and she couldn’t help but laugh along with him--with her fiance. She wasn’t sure she could smile much wider than she currently was--but it was impossible for her not to try at that thought. Fiance. Future Husband. How long has she thought about that far off idea--and now it was here. Like really really here. “Wait--today?” Lia looked over at him pacing, blinking a few times as she caught up with what he was saying. “You mean like...like actually get married today?” The idea was--well, he was right. It wasn’t like either of them to do this and yet...it also made complete sense. Lia had just said she wanted to do something unexpected--and getting married out of the blue was pretty much the epitome of that. Though, as big of a risk as it was, it also felt like...common sense. Of course they’d get married today--how long had they already waited, in a relationship or not? For once in her life, the blonde had no reservations about this idea. Another laugh erupted from her chest and she nodded quickly. “For someone who doesn’t like to plan ahead, you sure are impressive in the moment. But yes--that sounds absolutely perfect. And honestly very easy--who said planning a wedding was hard?” She teased, kissing him back with a grin and doing her best to not get caught up in the moment again--not an easy feat. “Mmm, I’m up, I’m up--you’re little plan to get me out of bed worked a little too well. But go call your Momma, Mr. Whetstone, before her superpower figures it out and you’re in hot water.” Lia giggled, tugging gently on his curl as she skipped to the bathroom--there sure was a lot to do, no time to waste. 

[jckwhetstone]

10/31/2020 - JACK & MAGNOLIA WHETSTONE

There’s a moment when you say to yourself, “Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.” Except... my moment happened when when I was too young to even remember and then happened again six months ago in a random hallway, in a random hotel in Chicago. I’ve spent my life chasing the feeling of finding someone special and didn’t want to wait to make her mine forever. Happy wedding day, my love. 

If you’d like to listen to Jack & Lia’s wedding song, click here. 

If you’d like to read Jack’s vows to Lia, click here.

Beneath the cut is the story on how Jack and Lia got engaged, in their own perspectives. 

Jack feels like it’s a dream when he rolls over and finds a head of blonde hair next to him. Of course, he quickly realizes it’s not when he inhales a mouthful of hair and tries not to gag on it. “Hey,” his voice is soft as it comes out, his hand dragging up the soft skin of Lia’s arm until he can twist his fingers into hers, “Mags- hey, you should wake up. Don’t you and Moira have a costume shopping thing happening in like… an hour?” Jack’s eyes flicker to the clock that sits on the bedside table closest to Magnolia’s head and it’s already 10:30- this is the first time he’s slept in in years and there’s nothing he wants more than to stay curled up around Magnolia forever. Jack cuddles in closer and slides his leg between hers, his cold toes pressing against her ankle, “It’s not like you to sleep in like this. Come on, Mags- don’t make me tickle you.” His hand brushes over her side, “I’ll do it. I will.” 

“Mmmmhh,” She mumbles incoherently as she feels Jack’s fingers intertwine with hers. “Shopping can wait till later. I am not moving.” She presses herself closer to him to emphasize the point.  In truth, Jack was right--Magnolia didn’t sleep in hardly ever but that was before she’d fallen asleep in Jack’s bed with him beside her. Now the idea of never leaving was a thousand times more compelling and she was planning to do just that. She jumped softly as the shock of cold on her ankles but still made no move to get up. Sleeping next to Jack was by far the most comfortable position she’d ever been in and waking up next to him was something she could do forever, if given the option. She yawns lazily, shifting slight to adjust to fall back asleep when she hears his threat. “You wouldn’t,” Lia’s eyes open just a slight bit more, sending him a glare. “Don’t you dare tickle me mister, I can’t be held responsible for what happens if you do!” 

“Oh, wouldn’t I?” his fingers dance over her side and he gives it a squeeze in hopes that she’ll jump. Jack leans forward and over her, a smile pulling wide across his face as he does, “You know she’ll kill you if you’re late. Or she’ll kill me. Regardless of who she kills, one of us will be suffering, so you really should get up.” Jack lays down on top of Magnolia while laughing - it may not be his entire body weight but they break out in giggles, “Do you have any ideas on what you’re thinking of getting for a costume? I have no desire in the slightest to go get a costume so I was thinking like… James Bond or something. Slick back hair- suit, you know… the usual.” It’s not that Jack hated Halloween- he really didn’t, in fact- he loved getting to dress up, but this year had been weird and he was just ready for the month to be over. 

“Jack!” She gasps slightly, laughter escaping from her as she looks at him more clearly. She watches as a few stray curls fall in front of his eyes and her heart jumps in the same way her body did when he squeezed her side. She thought herself a pretty focused person, all things considered--until you threw Jack Whetstone in the mix. Just a look at him and her whole train of thought just fly out the window. Lia’s lips slipped into a sly smirk, her free hand maneuvering up to brush the curls from his eyes before she leaned forward to kiss him gently. “First of all, I’m a princess to her--so that grants me royal immunity,” She teased, another giggle bubbling from within her. She didn’t believe Moira when she called her a princess, but she was also pretty convinced the woman would let her being a teensy-bit late slide, all things considered. “And secondly, I can probably use that immunity on you too--but if you are really that tired of me hogging your bed…” A quick peck on the nose and she thought on his question. “Well I don’t know--I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in years. Usually I’m working.” Most holidays she’s working, but that wasn’t the question. “The usual? So, you think you’re usually 007, huh? I mean, I suppose you’re handsome enough for it,” She laughed again, her arms snaking to wrap loosely around his neck. “Well the obvious choice is some sort of princess or--like a mouse? But I don’t know, I kind of think it’d be fun to do something not obvious for once, y’know? Throw everyone off their groove?”

“You’re a princess to everyone, Mags. It’ll always amaze me how you don’t see how people lay down and roll over like lovesick puppies for you,” He pressed his lips to her shoulder and kissed across it- they’d hardly done anything more than kissing and cuddling, but this was enough for Jack for once. This felt right. “I’m pretty damn sure I’m James Bond at all times,” he rolled his eyes at the expected jar comment that he knew would follow- at this rate, he was pretty sure he could afford to buy an engagement ring with the amount of money he owed Magnolia. “What if we did like… a couple’s costume? I know that’s cliche and I know we arent a couple…” his words hung in the air for a moment. What even were they anyways? Basically a couple, right? Just one that never spoke about how they felt, “I’d offer to be someone from Pride and Prejudice but honestly… I don’t think I can pull off the look.” Jack let his hands hang off of Magnolia’s arms, his thumb brushing against her soft skin, “Well… if you’re looking for something not obvious, I think playing it safe is not the way to go.” 

“Lovesick puppies?” A soft giggle escaped her lips as she felt him kiss her shoulders. “Oh please, they don’t do that. I just ask nicely and usually they are nice enough to help out--or my bag of baked goods helps. I’m like Mary Poppins but with cookies!” Nothing about this scenario felt wrong or weird to her--like it was just normal to wake up in the bed of your crush without anything having happened the night before and the idea that it felt just right made her smile wide. “Jack--” She looked around the room they were in and let out a sigh. “Dang it, the jar doesn’t count in the bedroom.” Lia sent him a wink and she laughed a little, swiftly moving on to his next suggestion--a couples costume. Or, rather, a not-officially-a-couple couples costume. That name didn’t roll off the tongue half as well--but nevermind that. “First of all, you could pull off anything you wanted to--but even so, Pride and Prejudice might still be too obvious. Oh--wait, you said James Bond, don’t those movies always have a,” She furrowed her brows as she tried to think of the name, it resting on the top of her tongue. “A Bond Girl!” A Bond Girl--you forgot the name of Bond Girl. “What about that? I mean, to be fair I’ve never seen a James Bond movie--am I totally off base?”

If Jack had been drinking water, he would’ve choked, “Doesn’t count in the…” he let out a nervous laugh, “There you go surprising me again, as usual.” He buried his head into Lia’s neck as she rattled out ideas of a bond girl while he tried to think through his own. Austin Powers came to mind- and while that’d be fun, he didn’t think it’d quite hit the mark like he wanted it to. The thing was… Jack was tired of them playing this game- he was tired of them dancing around the idea of a relationship or of dating. They’d been metaphorically dating for most of their lives at this point, and maybe that’s why he’d been so reluctant to truly put effort into sealing the deal because he knew it took so much to start when really… he was ready to have the white picket fence ending with Magnolia tomorrow, if he could. Jack pulled Magnolia closer to him, “Maybe not James Bond… what about… I mean, like… assassins are kinda cool, aren’t they? Or spies? We don’t necessarily need to be characters, right?” It was in that moment that he had an epiphany-, “Wait! Have you ever seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith?” Jack pulled back, a wild grin on his face, “That would be so badass.” 

“I have all sorts of tricks up my sleeve,” She grinned and kissed the top of his head as he buried his face in her shoulder. “Haven’t figured me out yet y’know.” Lia teased, her fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair as she listened to his follow up--though her mind was caught up in the idea of a couples costume--whatever they were, it was still enough to dress up in a costume that matched. But they had always done that, in some way--perhaps that was the first sign that there was clearly something more between them. Well, not the first sign--their inability to stay separate from each other was clearly number one. There would have been no shuffling in the tilt-a-whirl line if that wasn’t the case. But it wasn’t like she wanted to stay away either--as cheesy as it sounded, her world never felt more upright and normal than when she was with Jack and it made her heart skip when she thought about it. “Assassins? Oh wait--that’s the movie with Brad and Angelina, right?” Part of her was shocked that she had even seen the movie, but it had been years ago and didn’t remember much of it, except the fact they were married and….were trying to kill eachother. But they could leave that part out. Her face lit up. “No, that’s perfect. Like it’s a fantastic mix of James Bond and Bond Girl but with a twist.” She paused for a moment. “Wait--can we do that scene where they’re dancing in their fancy clothes but she also has a weapon on her thigh?” Lia had always thought that was the coolest part. “I love this idea.”

Jack couldn’t hold back a laugh, “Oh, so you’re telling me sweet little miss Magnolia Barnes wants to walk around with a gun strapped to her thigh and a cut in her dress up to her waist?” He bit his lip to bite back a bigger smile and squeezed her side, “I mean- it’s an easy costume, right?” Mr. and Mrs. Smith. He could do that- it was classy enough for a ball, but fun enough for a couple’s costume. Jack thought about the little paper ring in his bedside dresser- he’d been playing around with origami for a while and he’d made it on a whim- hoping to give it to Magnolia as a fun, whimsical gift when she needed a pick-me-up. It took a moment- a moment of Lia fumbling around with her words and Jack staring at her lips moving for him to comprehend the thoughts racing through his head. Lia. Ring. Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Couple. Costume. Ring. Lia. Ring. Mr. & Mrs. Jack sucked in a breath of air- the thought… the idea was crazy. It was… Jack knew it was possibly maybe even the dumbest thing he’d ever do or even suggest- but they’d waited so long. It was gonna happen someday, anyways, wasn’t it? “Hey… Magnolia?” Jack waited until he’d caught her eye, “You remember when our parents sat us down and told us that one day we’d be required to marry?” He remembered that day- it’d been the best day of his life- getting to marry the girl he’d been in love with for years sounded like heaven. “I know I acted like I was upset- like I didn’t want it,” Jack sucked in a deep breath. Was this going to be the conversation they’d been avoiding for months? Now? In his bed, a mess of tangled curls and twisted bedsheets? “But since then, I haven’t really thought about anything but getting to marry you. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since then- not without that thought of getting to be at the end of an aisle you get to walk down to me.” He pulled himself away from Magnolia and dug around in his bedside drawer and when he rolled back over, he held the little paper ring up between the two of them, “I guess I’m just trying to…” he paused, sucked in a deep breath, and asked, “Why don’t we just go as Mr. & Mrs. Whetstone instead? Would you marry me and give me the honor of making you my forever partner? Even more so than you already are.” 

“Maybe I’m not so sweet after all. It’s not fair if only Nic gets to have all the fun” She nudged him lightly, jumping with a laugh at his squeeze. “I mean, that’s proof enough that its definitely not something people would think I’d wear.” Lia nodded a few times--Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that was perfect. After all, she already had dresses like that...well, not exactly like that, but she could find one easily. Plus, getting to see Jack in a suit was not her idea of a bad night, that’s for sure. It was a masquerade ball too! So they’d fit right in--wow, there really couldn’t have been a better costume idea. Her mind wandered around the idea again, trying to figure out just where she was going to get a thigh holster in Chicago--and also how to put one on. Maybe she’d get Moira to help her...Blinking a few times, she heard Jack use her name and her eyes locked with his. Something was different in the way he looked at her and she chewed her lip lightly, suddenly slightly nervous. Slowly nodding as she sat up, she listened, suddenly she was immediately back in that chair, all the way in South Carolina, looking at her momma as if she was crazy--when in reality she believed this might have been the only good thing she’d ever done. Marrying Jack was the one part of her future she had never wanted to change--and finding him again reignited a slight bit of hope that maybe it wouldn’t have to. She knew it was a long time coming if that were the case, right? Right? There was...was no way--was there? Magnolia heard the words he was saying--the words that echoed exactly what she felt but it wasn’t until a small, crafted paper ring appeared between them that Lia felt herself gasp loudly. Her hand flew to her mouth as she looked at him, the ring, and him again. No, this had to be a dream--there was no way he was proposing to her--and yet… “Jack--” Her mind spun, trying to find words to complete her though, the moment rendering her speechless in the best way. “Yes!” She finally managed to say, in between laughs and sniffles. It didn’t matter to her that they hadn’t ever said they were a couple--or been on a date. Magnolia Barnes had always known what her answer would have been if he had asked her to marry him--that was a choice she had made on her own years ago and one that had not changed. “Of course--of course. I can think of no better way I’d ever want to spend the rest of my life, Jack Whetstone. No better way.” Without thinking, she pulled him into a kiss--perhaps with slightly more force than she had anticipated. “Oops,” She giggled slightly, “Sorry.”

Jack felt his heart throb in his chest- the moment of silence that lingered between the two of them as he got his words out and just before she answered felt like a million years and less than a second all in one moment. Her ‘yes!’ had him laughing, tears maybe brimming his eyes (not that he’d admit that) and he eagerly leaned into the kiss, not at all minding the way their teeth clashed together as he went. Jack pulled back after a few more kisses and hopped out of bed- he followed the movement with half a happy dance and half a pace across the room, “Okay- we gotta call Momma, I’ll call the private jet company- Vegas sounds good, right? Not that either of us would normally get married there, but that makes sense, right? We’ll find a photographer and get married tomorrow morning. Halloween. Fly back just in time for the gala and then… surprise everyone?” Jack bit his lip- while he may not have been a planner like his fiance, he still liked to have things in order. “We’ll get you a dress in Vegas. Maybe get Elvis to marry us, too?” Jack was certain that his Momma would never let him get away with only an elopement, so the idea of having fun with the first ceremony- one for just the two of them (plus his momma), was his ideal perfect day. Jack jumped back on the bed and pulled Magnolia into another kiss, “Come on’, future Mrs. Whetstone- we got a lot to do and you still gotta go see Moira.” 

A wash of utter joy spread over Magnolia’s entire being as she watched him react to her acceptance and she couldn’t help but laugh along with him--with her fiance. She wasn’t sure she could smile much wider than she currently was--but it was impossible for her not to try at that thought. Fiance. Future Husband. How long has she thought about that far off idea--and now it was here. Like really really here. “Wait--today?” Lia looked over at him pacing, blinking a few times as she caught up with what he was saying. “You mean like...like actually get married today?” The idea was--well, he was right. It wasn’t like either of them to do this and yet...it also made complete sense. Lia had just said she wanted to do something unexpected--and getting married out of the blue was pretty much the epitome of that. Though, as big of a risk as it was, it also felt like...common sense. Of course they’d get married today--how long had they already waited, in a relationship or not? For once in her life, the blonde had no reservations about this idea. Another laugh erupted from her chest and she nodded quickly. “For someone who doesn’t like to plan ahead, you sure are impressive in the moment. But yes--that sounds absolutely perfect. And honestly very easy--who said planning a wedding was hard?” She teased, kissing him back with a grin and doing her best to not get caught up in the moment again--not an easy feat. “Mmm, I’m up, I’m up--your little plan to get me out of bed worked a little too well. But go call your Momma, Mr. Whetstone, before her superpower figures it out and you’re in hot water.” Lia giggled, tugging gently on his curl as she skipped to the bathroom--there sure was a lot to do, no time to waste. 

[chicagopd2020]

New Beginnings Are Good For Everyone Ch.4

To say that Kim was surprised about who her neighbor is was an understatment. She thought that she left him in her past and that she would never see him again but boy was she wrong. She isnt going to let him ruin her happiness about a new beginning to her life. By Sunday afternoon her apartment was starting to look more like a home, everything was coming together. Later that day she recieved a text from Hailey asking if she would like to get dinner with her and the guys. Of course she agreed, because she wanted to get to know her team.

She showered and got ready for the night and Hailey swung by to pick her up to meet everyone. On the way to the resturant they just made small talk. As they arrived they noticed that the guys arent there yet which Hailey knows they are always late to everything. So as they were seated they just continued with the conversation since they had time to theirselves. Hailey wanted to get to know everything she could about Kim so that they could become friends and tell each other anything, she hasnt had one of those types of friends in a long time. Secertly Kim was hoping for the same thing. Yes, Kim did miss Erin but she honestly know when or even if she would see her and it sucked but she knew it would be this way. Their conversation was interrupted by Adam being well Adam...

Hello beautiful ladies.....sorry we kept you waiting Kevin had to get his hair just right

You guys are fine me and Hailey were just sitting here getting to know each other.

As the guys take their seats the waitress comes and takes their orders,conversation flowing like they had known each other for years and that was the way that being apart of a team was suppose to be. Keving asked the question that was on everyones mind.

Kim, can I ask you a question?

Sure, I have nothing to hide

You were apart of the FBI, what made you want to move from something like the FBI down to a unit like Intellgence?

Honestly, Intellgence is the type of unit that I have always wanted to be in but when I got the offer for the FBI I just couldnt turn it down, it wasnt a horrible job it just wasnt the job for me but I stayed there for 5 years and then a friend of mine said that she knew Sargent Voight and that she would call him and try to set up a meeting with him and try to get a spot on the team & well here we are..

Well I can say that I think that you are going to be a great addition to our team & I cant wait to work side by side with you...Stated Hailey

Thanks Hailey, I cant wait to work with you as well so that we can show Chicago that we are way more badass than the men on our team.

Damn right.. They all laugh

I honestly believe the both of you could prove that no problem....Jay says

Oh he actually speaks...says Kim

Just sitting back observering seeing what everyone is talking about.

She just looks a him, then Hailey interrupts.

Kim if you dont mind me asking who was the friend that helped you?

I dont mind, she actually used to be apart of the team and when she came to the FBI she had nothing but good things to say about the people she used to work with and that she did miss Chicago but it was home. Her name is Erin Lindsey

Everyone around the table looks directly at Jay but Kim was looking down and didnt catch it.

Yeah, Erin made it bareable to be there, I would ask her about her job in Chicago and her old unit and anything that had to say she spoke highly. So I know that I am going to be  in amazing hands. She did say that she had the best partner anyone could ever have and that she really regreted the way that she left. But she thinks that it was for the best that she mad the decision that she did.

Everyone was quite and that Kim did pick up on....did she say something wrong? As she is trying to figure out what was going on, Jay gets up and walks off to the bar...

Did I miss something?

Adam spoke up first....Jay was Erin's old partner & He was head over hills in love with her but she just up and left without an explaination to anybody at all.

All Kim could do was look at Jay..She felt bad, she was building Erin up so much all while Jay was sitting next to her think god knows what. She had to go check on him

Ill be right back guys....she says

She makes her way over to where Jay was. When she arrives next to him, she thought that she would try the same thing she used the first night that she met him.

Is this seat taken?

No, feel free to sit

Listen I am so sorry I didnt know that you and Erin were even together. She told me that you were her partner and thats it.

He downs the shot that was sitting in front of him.

Its not your fault you didnt know anything. Im just trying to finally move on from her and be happy again. I was miserable for such a long time. I think that it is time that I focus on Jay and not worry about much else

I couldnt agree more..You deserve to be happy, you are an amazing guy from the little I know about you and any woman would be lucky to be with you

Thank you Kim, they lock eyes and smile & they stay like for what feels like forever but was maybe 30 seconds. They didn’t know that they had 3 people watching the interaction between the two of them.

If those two don’t end up together it will  truly surprise me, there is so much chemistry between them and they don’t even have to say anything. Hailey says to the boys.

They both agree with her. Even though Adam had to admit that even though he did just meet her he did like her a little and would like to get to know her more. He wouldn’t let that be known. Adam was a tad but jealous and knew that he had no right to be

Ok are you ready to head back over to everyone. Kim asks Jay

Yeah, lets go but I mean if i had to be truthful I could just stay here and just talk to you all night

Well as good as that would be, we didn’t come here alone tonight.

This is true, they both stand up and start to walk back when Kim stops and turns back toward Jay making sure to look at him in his eyes

Maybe sometime this week we could grab drinks and then we could talk as long as we want to...she says with a small smile

Yeah i’m sure that we could arrange something. He smiles and they finally make it back to the table

After about another hour everyone decided that maybe it was time to head home seeing as they all had to be at the same place at the same time in the morning. As they were saying their goodnight’s because they in a few hours they would see each other. Hailey ask Kim if she was ready to go and as she was about to say yes jay spoke up.

Hailey so that you don’t have to go out your way I can give Kim a ride..

Wouldn’t it be out of your as well? Kim ask Jay

Seeing that I live in the same apartment building no it wouldn’t be out of my way.

Kim looks at Hailey, with a kind of what do i do look...

I wouldn’t mind to take her home. But it would make more sense for you two to ride together.

Kim walks up to Hailey and gives her a hugs saying that she would see her tomorrow and whispers in her ear to text her.

Everyone gets in their vehicles to head home, the ride back to their apartment building was quite but it wasn’t an awkward quiet. The radio playing quietly, as they arrive to the apartment they said their goodnight’s and went they went their own ways or so they thought they were. Jay was actually walking behind Kim wondering which  apartment she actually lived in, when she finally stops at her door he lets out a small laugh

Whats funny? She ask curiously

He continues walking as he starts talking and then stops in front of his door.

I guess it looks like we are neighbors...

Huh who knew.... Well at least I know that I like one of my neighbors

Yeah the guy on the other side of you he seems kind of sneaky

You don’t even know the half of it...she says under her breath

What was that? Jay ask

Nothing. Goodnight Jay I will see you in the morning

Goodnight Kim.

They both walk into their apartments and as the door shuts they put their backs against the door with smiles on their faces.

Tomorrow was her first day and she couldn’t wait to get to work....Little did Kim know the her first case that she was going to encounter she was going to have to come face to face with that neighbor that she thought that she left in her past.  

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[tessxomarie]

Saving You - Part I

*Hi everyone! First, I need to shoutout @hellosupernaturaldoctor​  for giving me advice and the confidence to even attempt this. This is my very first time writing any fan-fiction and the first time I’ve decided to post any of my writing some place other than a word doc. I’ve had this idea for this story since mid-season of the Mayans, and after the finale I put all my thoughts into a story. It starts off slow, but I promise what I have in store next will be worth it! PS, Any feedback is appreciated! - This story takes place a few months after the season one finale. Ez is now a newly patched in member, Alvarez is still working for Galindo; things have been quiet as of late, well for the most part.*

It’s a Friday afternoon, I’m just getting off of work. It’s hot as fuck outside – guess that’s the price you pay when you live in the desert. I lazily gather my purse from the backroom, before I step foot outside, I redo my hair. What was once a cute pony tail this morning has turned into a mangled mess. As my luck would have it, my hair tie snaps as soon as I go to wrap it around a third time. “Fuck.” I mumble to myself. I always wear an extra hair tie on my wrist, but I cannot have a naked wrist. “Fine, a mangled mane I will have. It’s fine, it’s fine.” I whisper to myself. If I don’t leave here now, I will lose all sanity I have left. Man, what a shit show day today has been, this heat must be getting to the kids. Two broken wrists, a broken arm, a no helmet incident and a random summer cold. I didn’t get puked or shit on, and no kid attempted to kick or hit, so I call today’s shit show a success. Just as I’m about to leave, one of my co-workers stops me, “Leah, good work today. You kept that broken arm kid really calm. Keep it up.” Elena tells me with a smile. “Thanks, Elena. I’m just doing my job, but I always welcome feedback, so thanks again.” I say to her as I head out the back door. It’s 4:30pm, I’ve been on the clock since 6am, one would think I deserve to simply go home and use my complex’s pool – oh one can dream. But nope, I’m still on the clock but I guess you could call this gig more of an always “on-call” service.

I pull up in my old school blacked out Jeep Grand Cherokee about twenty minutes after I leave the clinic to the Romeo Brothers Scrapyard, also known as the headquarters for the Mayans MC.  

Chucky greets me, per usual. “Greetings Nurse Aleeah.” He says to me with a big smile and a salute. I let out a giggle as I always do whenever someone says my full name…I rarely ever go by it, but around here, I hear it more than I have in years. But Chucky, oh Chucky– how does one describe a chronic masturbator who has a good heart and is part of the biker world without truly being a biker? I guess I just did, didn’t I? “Hey Chucky, how are you?” I ask as I park and exit my Jeep. “I am well, swell actually. I have no complaints today.” Chucky answers with a big smile. “Good, I’m glad to hear that.” I say as I give his arm a friendly squeeze. “The boys need your assistance, I don’t know details but clearly someone got messed up hence why you are here.” Chucky explains in typical Chucky fashion.I roll my eyes as I stand in front of the clubhouse. “It’s always something with these boys, huh?” I rhetorically ask. Chucky nods his head and heads back to the office. I walk up the steps and take a deep breath before I enter the clubhouse. This club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what the fuck you’re going to get so it’s best you just grin and bear it. Is it just a cut from a broken beer bottle? Did a fight break out and there is blood everywhere? A bullet wound? A stabbing wound? A rat bite? Like I said, you just never know. I open the doors and pray today is nothing major. “Have no fear, your favorite RN is here.” I announce as I enter the clubhouse and strike a pose in the doorway.  “Umm, isn’t it RN BSN?” Riz corrects as he stands and greets me. “Have I told you that you’re my favorite?” I reply with a playful wink and smile, it does make me truly happy that these guys acknowledge and are proud of my accomplishments. “Hola Aleeah.” Riz says to me while we greet with a warm hug, per usual. “Hey, I spy my favorite nurse!” Gilly shouts from across the room. Creeper, Hank and Taza also wave from the card table. “Greetings gentlemen, you all seem to be in one piece.” I say as I mosey around the few tables between me and the guys. “Although that pleases me, who is the one who called up 1-800-Rescue Nurse?” I sarcastically spit, which receives some laughs from the guys. “They’re in church.” Hank points towards the door. “They? Plural?” I ask looking at Riz, and he nods to confirm. “Jesus Christ.” I say palming my face. “Lee Baby!” Coco shouts from exiting church and walking over to me with open arms. “Ah, Coco Loco.” I reply with a smile and we hug. “How are you doing, Coco?” I ask after we break our embrace. “A lot better than your next two victims.” He replies, him not making much eye contact and that just gives it away – I know automatically who my victims are. “You gotta be kidding me? They got into it again?!” All Coco does is nod and look down at the floor. “How bad?” I ask. “What do you mean? How bad do they look? Or how bad is it between them?” Coco asks me. I shake my head with disgrace. I angrily take my steps towards church and I aggressively open the door. “Damn, she is pissed.” I hear Creeper’s echo as I close the door, as soon I enter the room. Looking at the table, I see them. One is at one end, the other one on the opposite end. I drop my nurse’s bag on the table and cross my arms. “You two have some damn nerve - getting into it again. Jesus. You’re fucking brothers, you are blood – blood don’t do this shit.” I yell with anger and confusion. Silence fills the air as the guys look at each other and up at me. Bishop then looks over to me and quirks an eyebrow and half smile. “Excuse my poor manners, Bish. Your boys tend to make me lose all sanity I have left at the end of a work week.” I tell him as I walk over and give him a warm embrace. “Oh Leah, you’re fine. I know this shit has been out of control recently.” Bishop pauses and looks over to the guys. He takes a deep breath. “I’ll let you handle them now. I’ll be outside if you need a referee.” Bishop exits and I just stand there, crossed arms again. Both boys refuse to look me in the eye, but instead stare each other down. “Are you just going to stand there?” Angel seethes. I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Give me one good reason as to why I should fix the both of you up? Huh? Because as I see it, this is the fourth time this month…THIS MONTH!  Angel, please, humor me and explain to me why the fuck I should tend to your wounds yet again? Maybe if I let you both be, you’ll learn these fights aren’t worth it.” I take a deep breath myself, and I run my hand through my tangled hair, which I then end up putting up in a pony tail right after, I’ll just have to remember to find another hair tie to wear on my wrist later.   “Alright, I’m sorry I went off. You two, you two just frustrate me.” I say holding my hands up mimicking a surrender. I take another breath and look between the boys. My gaze is drawn to EZ, probably because he’s the easier one out of the two. “Okay, EZ, I see that nasty cut on your cheek, oh and your hand – good going big brother.” I say as I look over to Angel. He looks away the moment I look his way. “Shocker, EZ gets to be first yet again.” Angel chirps. “Seriously?” I snap. “I’m over here fucking bleeding, I could be dying but all you and anyone ever cares about is Ezekiel.”   “Shut it Angel, just shut it, please.” I beg. I start to tend to EZ’s war wounds; some cuts, a nasty one on his cheek – I’m guessing Angel’s rings got the best of him this time around. EZ, he doesn’t say much this time I’m here. I know that he feels the same way as me – he’s tired of this back and forth shit with his brother. “EZ, no more. It’s one thing when you all call me to take a bullet out, or to give a rabies shot, but this shit – playground fights, I’m done.” I explain as I place the last bandage strip to his cheek. EZ doesn’t make eye contact, and his jaw is clenched. His knees shaking. “I know, Lee. I’m sorry you’re doing this again.” EZ tells me as he finally meets my eyes for the first time. EZ, he’s easy to read. He wears his emotions in his eyes, his eyes right now are filled with pain and sadness. This whole feud with Angel, it’s taken a toll on everyone in this club. It’s been almost eight months of this fuckery. “Remove the bandage Sunday night, it needs about 48 hours to heal. If you feel the need to remove it beforehand, clean it thoroughly. Have some of your favorite tequila tonight, and you will be good.” I tell EZ as I throw away the things I used to care for him. “Thanks, Lee.” He says as he kisses me on the cheek and walks somberly out of church. My heart aches for EZ, because the pain – physical and emotional is all over his face and body. Angel hasn’t taken his eyes off of the wall nor has he spoken. I slide my bag down the table as I slowly make my way towards him. Rubber gloves are on, and I grab his face. “Let’s see your damage.” I say, like a dog would when a human goes to check their mouth for something, Angel gives me a little tension as I touch his face. Again, no eye contact. A look of annoyance screams from his expression. I see a nasty cut on the side of his head, by his eye – a sensitive area which bleeds more than most. A black eye is also forming. “Jesus Christ, Angel.” I say examining the cut a little further. “This has to stop. I’m begging. I cannot deal with looking at you two like this, because my fear is that one day, I’m going to be too late to help any of you.” “What if it is?” He spews. I scoff, “No more.” Is all I manage to say. I take out an alcohol swab to clean out his cut. “This is going to sting, on the count of three – one, two, three.” I say as I then put the swab against the cut. A loud hiss comes from Angel and an instant reaction of mine is to grab his face and blow lightly at the cut, helping the sting not be so painful. Angel’s eyes then lock with mine, a look of shock and confusion fill his brown eyes. Angel and I, we’ve had a very interesting relationship since I first came to Santo Padre. He gave me an attitude and I gave it right back – he seemed more pissed off when I talked back than just walking away, and the more I talked back, the more tension built up between us. We started out on the wrong foot, and that’s how we have remained. He lets me care for him, depending on the time of day. Sometimes he lets his girlfriend, well I think she’s his girlfriend, Adelita, clean him up. Today, for whatever reason, he stuck around the clubhouse. I continue to blow on his wound, and I wince back in pain for him because I know it had to sting like a bitch. “Uhh, sorry. It’s a habit of mine, when I treat the kids, I have to do this; they hate it too, so that technique helps them...” I ramble and look away because I sense a bit of embarrassment, as I’ve never been “nice” to Angel. I look and reach back at the table to grab what I need next, just as I turn to face Angel again, I notice a very small smile on his face. “What?” I question, because seeing him smile legit concerns me. “It’s nothing, Leah.” He says monotone and lets me continue working on him. A few more minutes go by, and I determine that he doesn’t need any stitches, just a little butterfly work on one of his eyebrows. “Okay, that’s all. No stitches today, that cut on the side of your face, it’s a sensitive area that bleeds more than most. Your eyebrow cut, it’s an awkward cut – it’s ugly but not ugly enough for stitches. My only request is when you clean it out, could you please use both water and soap?” I emphasize. I know how these guys operate. They either use a dirty rag or tap water to clean themselves up. I turn to clean up my stuff and Angel lets out a minor laugh, which catches me off guard. I look at him and quirk an inquisitive look. Angel stands up, he turns behind his chair and lightly pounds his fist to the back of it. “You sounded just like my ma.” He tells me, in the softest voice I have ever heard Angel speak in. I offer him a small smile as I already know what that history is. Angel leaves church, and per usual no other words are spoken, no thank you’s, nothing. I stay behind a few more moments and collect my thoughts and belongings. I hear the door open, at first I’m startled but relieved it’s just Bishop. “How we doin’, sweetheart?” He asks. I let out a very deep sigh and my facial expression tells my feelings of this whole ordeal. Bishop can’t help but laugh, “I know, Lee. I know.” He tells me as he pulls me in for a hug. “I just need to go home and lay in bed and watch a trashy romcom.” I exclaim as I grab my bag. “I think you’ve deserved that, but before you go – you have a visitor.” He tells me. A look of a deer in the head-lights flashes across my face, who the hell could be visiting me? “Just come with me.” Bishop motions for me to take his hand and follow him. Nerves take over, with the Club, you never know what can happen. As I exit the room, I see the guys scattered all over the clubhouse yet all eyes are on me. “Your visitor is the biggest pain in my ass, so make it quick.” Bishop says, but I catch his playfulness I his voice and I look to the bar and I see who Bishop is talking about – Marcus Alvarez.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

shake, i hope you'll still remember that you're p cool 2/2

oh man Thanks as fuck....... yeah like it’s funny b/c it’s both a difficulty that like, it’s kind of hard to get me to realize maybe ppl want to be pals in the first place because every time someone first is choosing to interact with me i have that casual assumption like “uh oh this person’s mistakenly thinking they’d enjoy talking to me! better just ease them through this experience without making them deal with that mistake” and stuff instead of trying to Have Fun And Be Myself....and then it takes me a hot minute to be like “hey they might actually want to talk to you, chill out” and also “i know social mirroring is your default mode but try to figure out how not to do that”

and then yet also yeah i’ll be like, oh is this person my friend now or?? too early and like. i always do it still despite being well aware now that i do it and knowing to watch for it, and it’s still disappointing sitting there telling yourself you’re not really ppl’s friend, but it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be at least thanks to being more attuned to the whole matter and stuff, like it’s still the “oh it’s exciting to have a friend :)” and then “oh it feels bad to remember that’s not really the case :(” but it’s like the feelings are happening on a smaller scale / lower volume and such. and like using sort of ~objective~ considerations like “okay, you know that most likely this person has Actual friends and stuff” and reminders about how your relationship with them is really just like, kind of light fare. and it’s like, it always kind of sucks but its easy to remember cuz it’s not like it’s not true? its just an unusual thing to have to consider, and if you DO have ~real friends~ and aren’t like disgustingly lonely maybe you don’t have to consider it that much lol. 

like it isn’t fun basically having to be all like, okay so a sorta-friendship might feel significant to you but you have to keep in mind that its not as significant to them. but it’s generally true and like.........better to remind yourself of that sooner than have to realize it later when you’re more invested or care about the other person more or whatever and it’s like oh shit yeah i’m not really that important to them, dang it........like it’s just a weird thing because there’s really no way to be isolated and lonely and not have close friends and be in a truly ~okay~ place with it because it’s just....a continuously detrimental place to be in? and that applies to a lot of things lol. like there’s all these mental approaches i’ll take to things that’s not really about thinking that i can Be Okay with some bad fucked up situation, but rather just trying to lessen the unavoidable and everpresent Not-Okayness of it. the Okay is relative but sometimes you can really only be so okay!

honestly one thing that’s wild is i pretty much did go through the route of “my self worth was so bad it circled around into becoming more positive and now i have fairly decent self-esteem even just on my own”.....cuz like at least when you have to figure things out and get through shit and look out for yourself mostly on your own, you do have that Practice in doing it without external support lol even though you shouldn’t have to. and like i’m not Peak Self Confidence And Self Esteem by any means but it’s decent, self-loathing really isn’t a huge issue or anything. one classic thing that just helped put shit in perspective is the “if you were someone else would you be as unsympathetic / think these things about them” and i’m not like evil so of course i wouldn’t and its like oh lol yeah true! and then speaking of evil another thing that helps is remembering that capitalism is inhumane and an empire of lies and it’s like, okay is this thing about me really At All Bad or is this based on the standards of capitalism and, again, would you be unsympathetic and if it was someone else and blame / criticize them in this way? and i totally wouldn’t. and yeah i get to this point where i appreciate myself by myself!! it’s pretty chill! like, well, i’ll be my own best friend forever if i gotta. is this sad and loserly? sure! but somebody’s gotta do it and that’s just the situation! gotta be a loser? own it!! (to make the references yknow)

like really even knowing that hmm maybe i just don’t have much deep appeal for most ppl is ultimately like well, if so, Shrrruggggg b/c what are you gonna do!! i know there’s ways i’m not “good” at interactions and stuff, but in terms of personality i figure there’s stuff that definitely might not be of universal appeal but it’s definitely not always bad, like i’ll be like “oh i’m too enthusiastic about what i like” or “oh i’m too hot tempered” but really then i’ll remember that no, this isn’t something that everyone hates lol and really what’s the point if i’d have to change fundamental things about myself so i might have more Appeal anyways like....yeah it sucks having ppl just generally not be interested but also? it helps that other ppl talk about having the struggle of like....its not necessarily like you’re a jerk or have nothing to offer or anything, but just seeming “off” to most ppl in terms of that social frequency can always have this effect of largely leading to being like, ignored but also sometimes ignored with A Hint Of Rejection, and it’s like oh hell yeah!! just inherent social Other People Repellent, bring it in!! it sucks but its not Just You!!

like really i feel like maybe for like a decade and a half i’ve always been overcompensating when i think somebody seems neat and trying to seem cool-tempered around them? which, why would i even want to, i’m not cool tempered at all and really am not even interested myself if other ppl are truly like that! but maybe i am tuning in to the fact that ppl generally arent quite so excitable as me and thus trying to play it cool. but like, at this point, even though i do try to “turn it down” for ppl like, all the time, it’s like, why bother. what is the difference between doing that and having ppl not like me and just getting to do my own thing and not having ppl like me, yknow? 

plus just to throw another element of chaos into it, i’m cagey with my ~True Emotions~ or something both in part because i know maybe they’ll seem Annoying to other ppl or something but also because (chaotic trumpet riff) abuseee ://// so like even on the rare occasions i realize that somebody’s okay with interacting with me, i’m still acting kinda elusive or trying to filter myself too damn much like there’s a point to trying to be friends anyways if everybody’s putting on too much of an act!! gotta self sabotage!! trying not to though

like really Would Love To Have Friends i’d just also love to not have to lower my standards despite that fact that being like, yeah the big L Loneliness is really pretty miserable and says you should want to grab on to any chance of friendship with both hands....that’s often not the case cuz it can be like oh wait hang on, do i actually like this person and are they being cool to me too? or like, the person is totally alright but the relationship isn’t going to mean that much to them cuz it’s more of an outer-orbits sort of casual...Friendly Acquaintanceship or whatever and you’re just like Ah Yes :’)

for example i could’ve trimmed this down to not be an overly long series of weird tangents about myself in depressing ways but this is what you get!! why put up fronts. it’s not that bad anyways.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[thechaispicedspectre-blog]

Kratom as detox/withdrawal management.

Hi there fellow internet traveller, I am an addict. I never thought I would try heroin let alone become addicted to the point of pawning all of my things and wasting my inheritance. But i did. Thats exactly what happened. You truly do become a shell of your former self when addicted to heroin/opiates and I imagine the same goes for people who are addicted to uppers, but I have no room to talk as i do not know that side of addiction. I never injected only snorted and I was 'only' on heroin for about 4 months. After all my money was gone it was then that i realized the true extent of my problem. I needed help getting and staying clean. So I opened up about my problem to some close family members and planned for the withdrawals. I tried going to an outpatient clinic for suboxone but they sent me through hoops, misrepresented or poorly communicated important information and when I was ready to get off, they told me I had to continue using H for the next week. In other words, possibly kill myself so that i can be in active wd when i see their special doctor who is only in on tuesdays from 9am to 12pm.

I said fuck it. I'm going to try getting off by using kratom. WELL IT FUCKING WORKED. I only had enough kratom to last me 5 days but during those five days I never once felt like i was in withdrawal. I was able to eat and keep stuff down, I could catch something that resembled an actual healthy sleeping pattern and yes, it even stopped the rightfully dreaded restless leg syndrome. I was damn near 90% as opposed to the usual 2% or so that one feels during cold turkey withdrawal.

I have read that 1 out of 9 people get the help they need when it comes to getting off opiates/out of addiction well fuck that. TAKE IT INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.

After i ran out of kratom it was a good two weeks or so before i finally got more. But even during that time that I had no kratom, I felt almost 100% kratom took me from needing to use every single day multiple times a day to not needing any at all.

That does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that kratom comes without its own negatives. Just as you can get addicted to nearly anything (coffee, smoking, poem, gaming, etc.) You CAN become dependant on kratom and if you get to that point and you cold turkey yourself, YES you WILL go through withdrawals. Just as doctors would taper you off of suboxone or methadone you ABSOLUTELY need to taper your doses down until youre almost taking nothing then jump. Its a naturally occuring plant that also happens to have opiate like qualities. It demands your respect and smart use otherwise you will have a bad time, just as any other drug in the world be it caffeine or heroin or anything im between.

I find it sad yet pathetically funny that there are people who became surprised when they realized they were addicted to kratom and their stories are always the same

"i was taking up to 30g per day i started small but increased the dose as my tolerance went up, then after daily use for 5 months I tried stopping and it was so awful the WD hurt so bad, turns out its not a miracle" NO FUCKING SHIT YOU GOT ADDICTED. you did not respect the plant or take it in moderation or even take a t break once, you went full steam ahead and suffered the consequences.

The fda and higher ups of Ohio claim that people are injecting kratom and that it has no evidence of being a possible use of weening addicts off of harder drugs. THEY ARE FLAT OUT LYING just so we have to keep buying suboxone and methadone. They stand to lose a LOT of money if kratom becomes as huge as the pills they pay doctors to push.

Kratom saved my life by comfortably getting me out of a heroin addiction I never wanted. Ive been using kratom for these last 2 weeks just because I wanted something. I started small @ about 4 grams taken twice in the dat then upped it to 6 grams three times a day. Those with HEAVY opiate experience need more of the plant to get appropriate effects. well guess what, after 2 weeks of daily use and even increasing my use I ran out and have no money to get more until my missing paycheck decides to make its way to my mailbox (4 days late rn) my last dose was at 4pm yesterday its now 10:51am other than a massive shit, i am having no withdrawals.

Please people, do your own research. Check out the kratom subreddit. (Use Google if you arent already familiar with reddit)

This plant can save lives and because of that, they are trying everything they can to make it illegal.