#i tried to put on trans tape but i guess it was so late it made me do a shit job

[tinyvampire]

fuck! :)

(venting in tags abt transphobia & depression, read with caution love u besties)

[keanureevesisbae]

The world of TikTok

A one shot in the universe of ‘Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat’

Henry Cavill x Olivia Tran

Summary: With five ladies around him who are up to date with the latest trends, Henry falls victim to TikTok challenges.

Wordcount: 1.2k

Masterlist 

(Vanessa is 23 / Elodie is 15 // Heather and Chloe are 11)

Vanessa was home for the weekend, something that Henry always really enjoys. She is twenty three now, has her own life, but sometimes she stays over for an entire weekend. Usually that means Trey isn’t at home and she doesn’t like being by herself. Almost all of his girls are here and that makes him happy

He hears the front door open and not long after that both Olivia and Elodie walk in. ‘Hi my loves,’ he says.

‘Hi,’ Elodie mumbles, before walking to the kitchen as she rubs her back.

‘Hi everyone,’ Olivia says. ‘Posture, Vanessa.’

‘But this is comfortable,’ Vanessa says, slouched down on the couch.

Olivia cocks an eyebrow. ‘Sweetheart, sit up straight. Your back will thank me later.’

Their oldest sits up a bit straighter, rolling her shoulders back. ‘Happy now?’ she asks, partially annoyed, partially amused.

‘Absolutely delighted.’

‘Is Elodie alright?’ Henry asks, still thinking about the way she was rubbing her back.

Olivia places her bag on the table and tells him: ‘Her back hurts. I tried to crack it already, but Elodie is too tall for me to properly crack her back. Maybe you could help her out, honey.’

He is already up and Elodie pouts as she walks back to the living room. ‘Want me to crack your back, princess?’ he asks her and while she is nodding, she crosses her arms in front of her. He stands behind her, wraps his arms around hers and lifts her up.

Only to hear the loudest crack one could ever hear. ‘No, no, no,’ he yells, as Elodie drops to the floor. ‘What have I done?’ He kneels down next to her, as she is groaning out in pain.  ‘Olivia, help me out, will you?’

And then he hears Olivia laughing. She is laughing at this? Henry just broke their daughter and she has the audacity to laugh?

‘Very good, Elodie, you are quite the actress. You take after your dad,’ Olivia says to her in between laughs. Elodie stands up herself. She is smiling and from the looks of it, she is totally fine. ‘You were right, honey, this was a fun one.’

‘What the hell just happened?’ Henry asks in a loud tone, losing his patience as he stands up, his heart still pounding in his throat.

‘This was so worth it,’ Vanessa says, who holds up her phone, while she hiccups from laughter. ‘Thank you for the heads up, mom. I’m so glad I got this on tape.’

‘This was that TikTok challenge, wasn’t it?’ Chloe asks.

Elodie nods. ‘Yeah, I saw it yesterday and I desperately wanted to try this out with dad.’

Chloe and Heather are practically dying with laughter and soon the room is filled with giggles and laughs of all the Tran-Cavill ladies. ‘Daddy,’ Heather says, ‘this is a TikTok challenge where you put some uncooked macaroni or a cracker in your mouth and then ask someone to crack your back.’

Henry places his hands on his hips, as he tries to keep his laughter in, because he has to admit: it was a good one. Elodie walks over to him and wraps her arms around his waist. ‘Sorry, dad,’ she says looking up. ‘But admit it: it was a good one.’

‘It was,’ he chuckles. ‘Minus my mini heart attack.’

Vanessa wipes the tears of laughter from her face. ‘I think our uncles and grandparents would really like to see this.’

‘No,’ Henry says, but too late, because he feels his phone vibrate in his back pocket.

‘Sorry,’ Vanessa chuckles, standing up from the couch. She stands on her toes and gives him kiss. ‘But you should check the video, it’s hilarious.’

Little did Henry know that this was the first of many TikTok challenges and dances. His daughters had to promise him that these clips wouldn’t go online, because he doesn’t want the entire world to see him failing and that they promised. The only ones who incidentally saw one, were everyone in their family group chat and their friends when they showed it in school.

That he can live with.

So he attempted the Savage Love dance, but it really didn’t go according to plan, because he pulled a muscle in his back. Guess he really has Western European hips, that do not move correctly when hearing music. The twins and Elodie kept on forcing him to do all these things and while Olivia looked like a normal human being, Henry looked ridiculous and his brothers weren’t giving him a break.

It’s one of their chill evenings. Everyone (except Vanessa, she is back at her apartment) is just chilling in the living room, doing their own thing. It’s one of the many things Henry loves about their household.

Olivia’s phone rings, as she lays on her back on the couch, her feet on his lap as he is reading his book. He has placed his hand on her ankle, toying with her fuzzy socks. She picks up and all of the sudden the deep voice of a man fills their room: ‘What’s good, shawty, your man still around?’

‘Who the hell is that?’ Henry asks, grabbing her phone out of her hand, only to see his own shoes on the screen. ‘What is this?’

Elodie jumps off the couch and sits on the armrest of the chair, to wrap her arm around his shoulders. ‘A TikTok, dad,’ she laughs. ‘This was a voice over and mom just played it and recorded your reaction.’ She presses play and what just happened, is played back.

He is almost scared by the way how pissed he looked and Olivia presses a kiss on his cheek. ‘Good to know you still get possessive of me,’ she chuckles.

The twins join them on the couch and all of his ladies start to laugh at how mad he looks.

After a whole week filled with TikTok pranks, challenges and dances, it’s just Henry and Olivia at home. The twins are staying over at his parents and Elodie is having a sleepover at Charlie’s, together with his new girlfriend. To have the house for themselves, is nice from time to time.

As Olivia is in the shower, Henry is  sitting behind his computer, playing some games. He puts on his headphones and leans back in his chair. He starts to play, his mind completely blank. It has been quite some time since he could just play like this. He doesn’t know how long he is already behind the screen, when his vision is blocked by something. It smells like the soap Olivia always uses and when he pulls the towel off of him, he looks to the side. ‘What are— Oh.’

His eyes fall on his beautiful wife, who, over the course of the years, only became more beautiful. He stares at Olivia’s naked figure, as she is standing in the doorway. ‘Hi honey,’ she says with a smile.

Henry doesn’t waste another second. He pushes off his headphones, before he stands up and takes a few strides to her. Henry scoops her up in his arms, causing her to laugh. With his hands on the back of her thighs, he carries her to the bedroom and after he placed her on the bed, he takes off his clothes. ‘What did I do to deserve this, my love?’ he asks, spreading her legs so he can kneel in between them.

‘It’s a TikTok challenge,’ she says with a smile. ‘You surprise your man naked when he is gaming.’

Maybe TikTok wasn’t so bad after all.

[secretradiobrooklyn]

Shroud of Pigeon | 12.5.20

Secret Radio | 12.5.20 | Hear it here.

1. Yos Olarang - title unknown

This is a real score in my book. Generally known as Yol Aularon, this guy is Cambodia’s greatest rock musician, turning out garage rock that knows no equal in America or anywhere else, in my opinion. I tracked down this song on a tape attributed to “Yol Aularon” which includes his big hit, “Cyclo,” but also this song which I haven’t heard on any other collections. Honestly, though, I may yet run across it in a prominent collection, because I have no way of figuring out the title — every bit of the text I can find is in Cambodian. In any case, we LOVE this track! It’s almost like a catalog of Olarang’s laughs: there’s a merry snort, a giggle, and a malevolent cackle all built into the melody. I believe he’s the blazing lead guitarist as well. It’s just such a perfect gem of pure rock energy.

2. Gedou - “Scent” (I think)

Speaking of pure rock energy — DAMN, SAM! This was our introduction to Gedou, a blasting burst of Japanese glam rock whose costumes match the sounds you hear here. These guys were only originally active from ’73-’76, and then got back together sporadically after that; I believe this is from that original lineup. It’s well worth it to check the live video that this comes from. It’s an electric thrill just to see them leaning back to back, singing into the same mic, doing kicks and losing their minds in shining kimonos and silk hiphuggers. It feels like a Japanese MC5 whose wardrobe directly influenced David Bowie. One note I read says that they were popular with Japanese biker gangs at the time — and there are certainly bikes aplenty in the video. I’m looking forward to finding out more about the impact they had in Japan, and whether they made an impression in the rest of the world. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHfBhJsqrD8

3. Clothilde - “Saperlipopette”

What a strange little slab of chamber pop! Clothilde was barely even a one-hit wonder in France — she released two 45s in 1967 and, as far as I know, that was it. But what a song! It’s like a vanful of pop records crashed into a classical instrument shop. I especially dig the xylophone or whatever that is back there — hardly necessary given the hyperactive harpsichord, but it takes the poppy flavor right over the top. So many bands have tried to get to this level of fizz, but I’ve never heard it succeed like this!

- King Kong - “Ten Long Years”

Slint is one of indie rock’s most unimpeachably cool bands, which makes the silliness of King Kong all the more endearing. Band leader Ethan Buckler was the original bassist in Slint, and all of the Slint lineup got into the act at one point or another. In 1995 Drag City released King Kong’s “Me Hungry,” a sort of funky concept album about a caveman, his yak, and an inhospitable world. Sean Nelson and I spent many not-sober nights enjoying that record — “I push em out, I push em out” — and got to see them play the Crocodile Cafe. I definitely remember appreciating how groovy King Kong was, like Neanderthal B-52s. Butler even looked a bit like a shaved caver. 

4. Star Feminine Band - “Femme Africaine”

Born Bad is our new favorite label, right up there with Analog Africa. They’re based in France, and release music both archival and new. Star Feminine Band is based in Benin, home to so much of our favorite music. It’s definitely worth watching the video for this song just to see how young and full of potential the girls in the band are. They were assembled in a School of Rock sort of situation, taught to play instruments and encouraged to write lyrics. The lyrics of this song are so directly uplifting it’s enough to put a lump in the throat. Meanwhile, the music is such a pleasure to listen to! The whole album is full of good stuff, but this song is pretty much their theme song. It translates to: 

“Oh woman, African woman

Oh woman, Beninese woman

Black woman, get up, don't sleep

You can become president of the republic

You can become prime minister of the country

Get up, something must be done

African woman, be independent

The country needs us, go to school

Africa needs you, you have to work

The world needs us, let's stand up we'll defend

African woman, be independent”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdDp6VAXXbk

5. Young Signorino - “Mmh Ha Ha Ha”

A few years ago a friend posted the video for this song on FB with a note that was like, “Ever see something you should hate but you can’t stop watching?” I watched it, watched it again… and watched it again. It eventually slipped out of my mind, but I was thrilled to remember it the other day in the context of WBFF. The song’s language, such as it is, is Italian, but it also just fits perfectly into the post-language mix that has been turning our cranks lately. I’m really glad to get a chance to present it here first as a piece of music, because the video really affects the experience. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9bf4PT-aEk

6. Yura Yura Teikoku - ゆらゆら帝国で考え中  “Yura Yura Keikoku de Kangaechuu” (I think?)

This is another sweet find in a broadcast full of em! Yura Yura Teikoku is a trio formed in 1989 and have a huge rep in Japan as a psychedelic band, but apparently by 2000 they were crafting super-awesome pop songs that rocked hard. The video of this song features a singer with adorably mussed hair and a striped shirt against an orange background, looking super hip and on top of the world. From what I’ve read they were gigantic in Japan but utterly unknown outside, which changed a bit when they played New York in 2007 and again a year later, to packed houses. But that didn’t seem to do the trick, and they finally broke up in 2010. They have several good songs from this period, but this one, from a three-song 45, is the one that has hooked us the hardest so far. We can’t seem to find out even what the song title is, but as far as I can tell the band’s name translates to The Wobbling Empire, and the song title is “Thinking in the Wobbling Empire.” It’s bizarre to us that this kind of hip tight rock didn’t find a way into the bigger world… but I guess singing in Japanese was the deciding factor. Really glad to have uncovered it though!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9CM44MohAs

7. Can - “Mother Sky”

I know a lot of bigger Can fans than me, but this track has so much of what we love in the drones, the freakouts, the lockdowns, the Engl-ish vocals, the long climb towards the climax… it feels sometimes like flying, sometimes like swimming, sometimes like burrowing deeper and deeper downwards.

8. Señor Coconut - “Showroom Dummies”

Can and Kraftwerk share enough DNA that they seem like a natural pairing. But… Señor Coconut’s version of this classic track of “Trans-Europe Express” is honestly my preferred version of the song. It sounds so sincere and strange, and I find myself thinking about the lives of mannequins even as I also hear the palm leaves switching in the breeze. The album “El Baile Aleman” — “German Dance” — was released in 1999, and apparently Kraftwerk was fine with it. Thank goodness. 

- Lithics - “A Highly Textured Ceiling”

Every time I hear this track I think of Six Finger Satellite’s “The Pigeon Is the Most Popular Bird,” a crucial album for me. I learned about all of these tones for the first time from that record. I’ma write more about this band in a sec, when they show back up. 

9. Schwervon! - “American Idle” 

Years ago Mike Appelstein hipped us to Schwervon!, a two-piece band who were about to make the opposite journey of our own eventual path, moving from NYC to Missouri — in their case Kansas City. They turned out to be lovely individuals and an instant favorite band, and we hosted them whenever they came through STL. Their album “Courage” plays like a lost ’90s classic, and “American Idle” is one of the best tracks on there. The production of the album, by Matt Mason, is straight-up enviable. As is so often the case, good people have good friends, and they led us to Jeffrey Lewis, who has been a pleasure to get to know better since we made our own way east last year. I don’t think Matt and Nan are writing songs together anymore, but we’re glad that they did. 

10. Boney M. - “Rasputin”

I saw this song peeking at me from my computer now and then, but didn’t check it out til recently. What a complete banger! The lyrics are absolutely fantastic — “Rah! Rah! Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine, it was a shame how he carried on!” — but so is the production… and the video, for that matter. Apparently this was a hit track in 1978. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding disco, though, so I had no idea. I love how the narrative weight shifts from the lead male voice to the chorus voices. It’s such a strange read of Rasputin’s life and death — the unkillable Casanova of Russia!

11. Rafaella Carrá - “Festa”

Did I mention that I used to hate disco? Well, this is my big comeup. We’ve been dabbling in disco on WBFF here and there, but this pairing is meant strictly for the dancefloor! This is the original Italian version, but Carrá became a massive hit in Spain and recorded most of her songs in Spanish as well. Obviously, the Spanish influence is strong in this song’s amazing flamenco claps and trumpet passages. 

12. T.P. Orchestre Poly-Rythmo de Cotonou Benin et Loko Pierre - “Djo Mi Do”

There’s nowhere to go from disco but back to our prime fascination: Tout Puissant! This album is a collaboration with saxophonist Loko Pierre, and every track hits hard. But this track’s chorus, “djo mi do, djo mi do!” is such a gotdamn hook! This band continues to surprise and reward the deeper we dig into their catalog, and I feel like we’re still just getting started. So funky and fresh every time.

The chorus makes me think of a song we first heard on KDHX about a decade ago — “Dominos,” by The Big Pink. I really liked the hook of the song but loathed the cold-blooded lyrics, so I found myself hating it. You know how it is. I’m really glad to find a song that can replace it in my head — and it’s a way better song!

13. Bruno Leys - “Hallucinations”

Credit to Born Bad records once again for this song. It’s a true rarity. Bruno Leys fell in with some fellow students in Paris in 1967 including a guy named Emmanuel Pairault, who was obsessed with an instrument called the ondes Martenot, which is a very very early electronic instrument that works a little like a theremin — though it’s played by wearing a ring on one finger and sliding it along a wire, depressing the wire to change the note — but has a crazy range of sounds. The instrumental hook in this song, as well as the backing notes, are on the onde Martenot. Leys co-wrote and recorded four songs with the band, they got signed up with a label, released a 7”, then he had to leave for compulsory military service… and by the time he got back two years later there was no band and no label. The 7” was practically unobtainable til this year, when Born Bad records finally released it anew. I hope Leys is still alive to appreciate that it finally made its way into the world!

- The Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

14. Troubadour Dali - “Spirit of ’67”

Oh, Troubadour… Sleepy Kitty shared a label with Troubadour Dali for several years, and we were big fans of their whirling swirling psychedelia. They had a couple of chicks (I think they’d approve of the word) projecting old-school colored oil-and-water light effects on the band, and when they were on, they looked and felt like the greatest band in the land. Troubadour went through an impressive number of players over the years, and there was generally some sort of drama or mayhem going on — not too surprising for a band who loved Brian Jonestown Massacre. The main songwriter was a lanky, handsome fella named Ben, though there were also great songs by Kevin and, every once in a great while, a powerful contribution by a quiet, snappy dresser named Benjamin. Benjamin apparently put this recording together entirely on his own. When he showed it to the band they flipped out — it’s obviously a winner — and they quickly got together a live version of it. Man, it tore the house down every time. At some point, though, in the midst of some of that drama, Benjamin started to kind of slip sideways out of the band. As they were finishing up their second full length, he declined to let the band record this song, or to make the demo available, despite their pleas. Eventually they went forward without it, and I don’t know what happened to Benjamin but I do know that Paige happened to rediscover her copy of “Spirit of ‘67″ recently, tucked into a stack of burned CDs. We’re very glad to get to drop this very special song into this secret radio mix.

- The Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

Rare Italian instrumental noodles from the mid ’70s.

15. The Velvet Underground - “After Hours”

*Not ruined. Affected, but not ruined. She said so. 

16. Jean Cussac in “Le Livre de la Jungle” - “Etre un homme comme vous”

One musical adventure we’ve really enjoyed is checking out familiar musicals in unfamiliar tongues. And though you may not think of Disney’s “Jungle Book” as a musical, you’d be mistaken. This version of “I Want to Be Like You” is a particular delight. It plays straight with the original, but the presence of the French language inflects the rhythms with a Parisian flavor that I’d never noticed before.

17. Duch Kim Hak - “Neary Sok Khley”

Another hit from the Cambodian treasure chest. Paige noted as we listened the first time, “This one has good chords,” and we took to referring to it as Cambodian ska. I think it’s meant to be a simple twist song, but there’s a royal quality to the chords that really puts it above a straightforward dance novelty. And his vocal delivery is ace!

18. The Fall - “Terry Waite Sez”

Not much needed on this one! This is one in a host of classics from 1986’s “Bend Sinister.” The Brix E. period of The Fall is just the BEST. 

19. Twiggy - “When I Think of You”

Paige: “I was made aware of this record by The Deccas [a band she briefly sang with in Chicago]. They knew every single girl group song that had ever been recorded. This was the same band where the guy who was obsessed with Scott Walker and looked like him and his house was very /60s and he had a word processor. I didn’t even know what a word processor was. That’s unrelated to this song though. She’s one of the great singing models — and maybe next week we’ll play another one. There are three known.”

- Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

20. Hallelujah Chicken Run Band - “Alikulila” 

SO happy to have this album on vinyl at last! It was just released in this format, and Analog Africa is always so good at including notes about the album’s genesis. These guys are from Zambia, and they pioneered the translation of mbira parts into guitar parts, while writing these amazing songs that I’ve never heard anything like. Except for one. One of their songs sounds a bit like a Bound Stems song. Which is weird, because obviously we’d never heard them when we wrote “Cloak of Blue Sky.” It just proves to me that they were both way ahead of their time and working in an idiom that could and should be hit music today. It sounds so alive and creative and insightful, like good indie rock should. 

21. Lithics - “Snake Tattoo / Twisting Vine”

Lithics is one of my favorite contemporary bands. They played Foam in St. Louis like five years ago, right after I’d discovered their existence via the excellent album “Borrowed Floors.” Foam was a tiny little club that fit maybe 50 people and was sure to go apeshit for this show. I was SO psyched to be there… but the night of, we couldn’t get out because we were staying out in the Illinois woods and it was snowing enough to make the return trip too treacherous. As much as that’s one of the main shows of my life I wish I’d seen, I’m glad that Brad got to see them and tell me about it later. I hope I can catch them in NYC.

22. Sunny Blacks Band - “Mission spéciale”

OK, I admit that I’m obsessed with Melome Clement — or Meloclem, as he is known by some in Benin. He’s the composer of hundreds of T.P. Orchestre songs, and I’ve written about him a ton. I know he plays some horns and I believe he plays the slashing guitar that you hear in this track. I don’t think that’s him singing but I’m not sure; his voice is very malleable. Sunny Blacks Band is the group he was playing with when the T.P. Orchestre guys found him. It’s hard music to track down, but I love how much it rocks — or “jerks,” as they said at the time. We’ve also played the track “Holonon Die” on here and it jerks too, with an extended, wild electric guitar solo over pulsing trap and hand drums. What a freakin powerhouse Meloclem is.

23. Betti-Betti - “La Vie de Bettie Bettie Chanteuse Camerounaise”

This recording is a beautiful mystery. It appears in a film called “Badiaga,” which I encountered while looking for music by Betti-Betti, a superstar within her nation of Cameroon. This comes from one of the final scenes in the movie. There are different summations of the film (we don’t understand the language of the film itself), but apparently the story is “inspired by” the story of Betti-Betti, who was discovered as a child wandering in a marketplace, brought up extremely poor and eventually sang (a cappella?) on the radio, whereupon she became an instant success. She played constant shows and played with many of the region’s heaviest hitters, including T.P. Orchestre (they recorded an album together, which is how we found out about her). As for this recording — I don’t know if this is sung by Betti-Betti or by the actress playing her. And I don’t know the male character singing alongside her, though I’m guessing he’s a real-life music figure himself. It’s a beautiful duet, rich with feeling, and the performance footage throughout the movie is electrifying. 

P.S. This film is also how I found out about Eko Roosevelt, whose “Me To a Dey My Own” is an epic upbeat number we’ve played on WBFF!

24. Guided By Voices - “The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory”

A perfect song, meant for the opposite of social distancing: to be sung full-bore in a crowd with one’s arms slung around sweating strangers, straight into the face of the band (I’ll be the one hooting the recorder part). This is how legends are made. 

 - Janko Nilovic & Soul Surfers - “Maze of Sounds”

I love the bass part on this album as much as the album artwork, which we will surely have included somewhere around here. This guy’s story is pretty interesting: he was born in Istanbul to a Montenegrin father and Greek mother, and his career started by working with French singer Davy Jones (but not THAT Davy Jones) in 1967. He got into recording for sound libraries, working in soul and funk and psych music, gained a serious composing rep and eventually, maybe inevitably, his music started getting sampled by the likes of Dr. Dre and Jay Z. Not bad, not bad!

25. Gnonnas Pedro et Ses Dadjes - “La Musica en Verité”

Maybe someday we’ll release the version of this song that we recorded in the early days of the pandemic. This is the final track (if not the final song) on the immortal “Legends of Benin” album on Analog Africa. My favorite aspect is how the guitar plays the same mesmerizing piece throughout, but the percussion evolves over the course of the song until it has gradually changed completely. It’s a subtle dynamic but it’s a master clinic in how to run a drone song the right way. Also, that organ part is just beautiful.

[my-creepypasta-story]

Found a Missing Tape

“Okay, okay! Are you ready for the big adventure Fred?” he looked at his friend with excitement, his body jittered with joy, as he was like bouncing off the walls.

“Yes! Now can we need to hurry up Ben, I don’t want it to be too late” his friend rolled his eyes as he got a cam recorder in his hand.

Both guys were excited to film their first YouTube video. It was 2009 and Youtube only started to become popular They packed their rucksaks with food, extra batteries , torches, lights that’s attached to the recorder and tripods to take epic pictures. Even tho it was middle of Winter in January, they were still rearing to go. For a while they had their own Facebook page to take abandoned photos of builds, the eerie lifeless of buildings, gave it a creepy surprise. Like it was from a zombie movie. Both guys were best friends since highschool and they do everything together. Fred was tall and skinny, at least 6.2ft, his hair was brown but curly and he hardly brushed it, everyone called him ‘bush’ but since leaving school he like his own name, he had a skater style along with Ben. Ben was Chinese but he spoke English fluently and could only say a few Chinese words to pick up women, even tho it never worked. Ben was 5.8ft, an average looking guy, but love to wear black, even tho had the skater heart. Brown hair, brown eyes, with a tan too match, compared to Fred, he was a pastey white boy. They were still best friends without a doubt.

“Okay I’m all set” as they got into Ben’s car, stopped by the gas station before they hit to their destination. “Heyy Fred, Do you think it’s still abandoned? I’ve heard stories about that place man? I don’t think we should go?”

Fred ran back and jumped into the car, shouting out through the window “dude! It’s going to be awesome! We are going to take wicked sick videos and pictures. And anyways, our friends been there before you know, that big party they had but we were sick. It should be okay”. Ben just nodded as he finishing up the tank and paying it on his card. They drove into the distance, early hours in the morning.

Hours went by, soon as they came across the building, they parked up and hiked to the place where they were going to film. Fred and Ben were infront of the camera “heyy guys! It’s me Fred and Ben! Coming to you, to this abaoned location. Now this place is so old and so creepy, we had to see it! It’s an asylum but was going turn into a hotel. But now abandoned! Ain’t that cool!”

Ben smiled and using hand gestures “dude it’s going to be fucking cool! So I looked into the buildings history! We are in Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in West Virginia. This place was said to be haunted! Cool right! Apparently they tested on their own patients and did lobotomies, where the doctors used an ice pick and went through your brain, from your eye. Dude that’s creepy”

Fred interrupted “and and and, local people are still saying, the patients who died here along with doctors and nurses, are still here. Spooookkyy!”

Bed interrupted “so we are here! Going inside and look around! Ain’t that cool dude?”

“So cool” replied Fred, with extreme anticipation.

Ben was holding the camera will Fred was looking around, both followed into the dark rooms and the light lead them the way. Each find of a wheelchair, an operation table was well documented. The paint was peeling off and the green mould was growing in the corners of some of the rooms. Each of them had this sadness that they couldn’t wait to be here. Fred insisted Ben to hold the camera while Ben was doing the entertaining and giving out more history stories.

“So, this room I bet is where they did the lobotomies...” then suddenly they both got interrupted by a sound near by. They both went quiet and tip toed to the noise.

11 years later.

“Omg I cannot believe you found this place” Bailey flirtatiously teasing her boyfriend John, their friend Ivan couldn’t wait to leave. Bailey a typical girl with died red hair, black shorts with a grey tank top and John wearing his jeans with a graphic tee that had on ‘Rick and Morty’. Ivan was wearing something similar to John since they were friends. All three in college and a few YouTubers visited the asylum too; then all went to this Building in Virginia because they all went to college near by. They all got bored during summer break and before they head back home, they wanted to do some exploring. Searching on the web, Bailey wanted to go to an Asylum to cross off her bucket list.

After a few minutes of guessing on google maps, they finally found it. All derelict and no one around, the only sounds are the birds cheeping in the distance. It felt peaceful, they tried to go inside the asylum. The doors were falling off and the black mould growing up the walls in the hallway. As they approached a dead end since the building was falling apart, they decided to head home. As they were walking, Bailey shouted “wait a minute guys, I think I see a cam recorder” John grabbed Ivan and they both followed Bailey. The room was an old office and nothing haven’t been touched for decades. The papers were still there along with documation of the patients that stayed. John grabbed them and Ivan followed, he went into the filing cabinets and took as much information as they could. Bailey put the cam recorder in her bag and all of them headed to the car.

Driving back to the college, she said “most of this tape is fried and slightly damp. Do you think Paris can take a look for us?”

Ivan replied as he was driving on the highway “I don’t see why not. What do you think is in there?”

Bailey handed over the cam recorder to John “whatever is inside, it’s been there along time. Strange that something like this is in there”

They all headed to Paris, who was the head at the media department. For a teacher, she had piercings on her lips and ears, tattoos all over her body. For a 42 year old, she looked 10 years younger. “Wow I haven’t seen something like this in 11 years! Back then, this was state of the art! Still working just the tape is a bit damp. Maybe tomorrow it will be finished. Where did you guys find it?”

Bailey shrugged and was nervous to talk “we found it at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum”

“You fucking what! That place is bad news! How did you even go there?” Screamed Paris as she folded her arms looking at John and Ivan. They both shrugged and looked down with disappointment.

“Do you know what... fine I will do it. Only because I’m curious myself” Paris held the cam recorder and took out the tape which was slightly damaged. The three of them walked out and closed the door behind them.

3am the next morning

*Ring, ring ring* “ugh... hey babe, can you get that” muttered John as he woke up Bailey. She muttered, picked up the phone from the bed night stand “yeahh, this is John’s phone. What the fuck do you want at this... yeahh. Wait now?! .... Do I have... okay... yes we getting dressed.... fine I will get Ivan too.... yes we will be there.... okay, bye” she poked John till he got up. She put on a black dress with her blue sparkley converse on. “John get up” as she took the covers off him “we need to get up now. Get ivan, he needs to come too”

John still in his pjs, he went next door to his dorm and got Ivan. Ivan was in his sweat pants and no top on, luckily he worked out and had a six pack to show off. All half asleep expect for Bailey, she was anxious and her nerves were running high. They both got into Paris’s office and she had beer cans all over her desk; including empty beer cans in the trash that was piling over ready to burst at any moment. Her room was dark and musky, the blinds drawn as you can see the sunrise appearing through at any moment. She got spair chairs from another class room and the three of them sat down, huddled over the computer. “Okay this is fucking creepy and I’ve already called the cops, they are coming in the morning. But you need to see this” as she opened up another beer can, Ivan felt uncomfortable as her breath stank of stale beer. She pressed play as she saw two guys in the video.

Fred and Ben were having a blast, recording everything they could find, even the old theatre. Suddenly they both screamed as the door flew open and a bird flew past them. The guys were laughing their heads off. A few more minutes in, they saw something in the hallway, they ran after it “omg do you think someone else is here” Fred panting to Ben.

“Well whatever it is, it’s fucking cool” then they both stopped. A gastly apparition was following them back, they started to scream. Ben dropped the camera and Paris, John, Ivan and Bailey saw a black face starring into the camera with red eyes. Then black. Suddenly the cam recorder was switched on, Ivan, Paris, John and Bailey all held each other close tight, as they saw something carrying the camera. The background noise was heavy breathing, walking around the asylum as if nothing happened.

Paris pressed stop “that was was fucking freaky”

John was built well and had a deep voice, but it cracked “what the fuck”.

“What was even is that?” Bailey looked over at Ivan as he was in a fetal position, rocking back and forth.

“It doesn’t stop there. 4 years ago when the building was going to change into a hotel like everyone had been promised for fucking years. The builders found the mummified remains of the boys in the basement. It was all over the news, apparently they were missing for years!”

“Omg I remember that... but how did they die?” John asked as he was biting his fingers.

“No one knows, but maybe this video will help” as Paris brought up the screen again with the black face starring at them on the computer screen.

[doedipus]

LP D&D: Grand Magistrate Smith

For this session, Max’s brother Torix was invited to audition for the vacant spot in the party. He plays Zerander, goliath purple dragon knight. His horse is named “Frank.” Torix is a bit of a power gamer, but he doesn’t fall into the trap of expecting everyone to have perfectly min-maxed characters or whatever or going off on us for performing sub-optimally in battle, so it hasn’t really caused any problems of that sort thus far. He’s also the token straight guy, with everyone else but us ostensibly being gay dudes. Aside from the one or two times where he said some pretty crass stuff about trans folk, he’s been pretty solid, though, and we haven’t had any incidents since I stated being open about being trans with the group.

He, Max and I are kind of my current non-tabletop gaming group, though usually he’s playing mount & blade in the background while Max and I play Dark Souls or something. I spent a long time without a decent group after my previous one got fed up with me for being a caustic asshole, but I guess the estrogen has mellowed me out enough that I can socialize with people without chiding them over stupid bullshit fucking constantly.

Also, Escrima’s surname is “Smith,” hence the title.

...Anyway, content under the break

The gang rests up at the estate

Constanza learns everything about Amn

Fear of magic

Kingdom-tier

All nobility is capable of owning land

!!!

Succession is deeds-oriented; not being a cool guy gets your title revoked

Coy attempts to train the displacer beasts

She teaches it to “heel”

Lucas continues to make copies of his spellbook

He realizes that he has become ambidextrous after absorbing Eva

Graham receives a letter from the brothel

Connie has that one dream again

She looks up at her parents

There’s fire everywhere

She’s the one “touched”

Her parents pick her up and run out of the fire

A voice: MOTHER KNOWS

Zerander arrives at the gates of Waterdeep, City of splendors

He’s here on a mission from the leader of his order of knights to assist Rockseeker

His token looks like a dark souls character //Specifically, like some hybrid of Hawkeye Gough and Horace the Hushed

He asks a lady where the market is

“Oh my, you’re quite big”

Huehuehue

As a giant, he attracts stares as he wanders towards the market

Zerander goes looking for an armorer

The shop attendant is predictably taken aback

Armor’s gonna cost extra for size

Zerander sells off his old chainmail to offset the cost

Measuring the giant is the armorer’s greatest trial

We’re gonna need a bigger tape!

Zerander asks the attendant about nearby inns

He is pointed towards the “flying badger”

Hey, the inn’s right next to the market!

The building smells of cooked meat

His stomach rumbles, deafening nearby guests

The innkeeper offers him some roasted phoenix, bleu cheese, and brandy

Innkeeper asks what brought him to town. Being a barmaid, she is fairly pretty, and probably hitting on him

Through mouthfuls of flaming poultry, he explains he’s a bodyguard for Rocky

Innkeeper points him towards the office

He asks about a room

It’s gonna cost extra because he’s gonna need extra beds

He attempts to hit on the innkeeper, but she’s not having it

As he enters the room, he bumps his head on the frame

He drops his gear in the chest in the corner and heads for houseseeker

He’s got his axe and shield still

Zerander searches for houseseeker //Rocky’s house. At some point, I started referring to everything Rocky owns as XXXseeker

He gets lost at first, but finds his way eventually

The 3-INT secretary takes his name down and tells him to wait for Rocky

“Can I make an insight check on the couch?”

The couch bears him no ill will

The building is busy as always

Janice floats down the stairs to bring him to Rocky

Zerander reflexively ducks as he enters the office

Rocky and Zerander attempt to shake hands, but the size differential makes it difficult

Rockseeker tells him about his mission

Also about the party

There’s a paladin

Rocky struggles with pronouns //Graham came out to the party in some semi-cannon RP we did after the session where we crashed Lord Heir’s banquet. Supposedly, he was stealth beforehand, but a couple of NPCs apparently knew what was up as soon as they laid eyes on him, which was weird as hell. I guess that’s what happens when a cis dude GMs trans characters, though

Also a wizard

A bureaucrat

A weirdo

Draggo

WELCOME TO ROCKSEEKER!

Rocky leads Zerander towards the estate

A carriage arrives to take the party to the trial

Graham reads the letter

It’s a news letter from Mister Mister

Hey, there’s a peep show

Ooh, coupons

Rent services for a whole year for 300 gp!!!!!!!!!!!

Graham thinks. Oh no!

He remembers Lucas talking about how Esmeralda is a bad influence

Greg considers going to the trial

Lucas convinces him to come along

Connie asks for something to help her sleep better

Apparently Liza and the spirit of fire are back in town with some cargo

Graham wants to check on his retainers before going to the trial

He has Lucas send to them about the death of Osric

They’re in town already

Escrima has been shouting “mother! Mother!” for the last hour

Jeeves gives him something to subdue him

The carriage is luxury 2.1

It says Rockseeker 2 on the side

The gang heads to dockseeker

Liza went to Baldur’s gate

There’s a pair of airships there

The spirit is wanted in Baldur’s Gate. How weird.

Lucas is worth 15kgp for some reason

Liza is pissed we didn’t tell her much of anything

She returned with a shipment of rubies!

Graham goes to talk with his uncle Cedric

He tells him about the banquet incident

And the bad news about Osric’s death

Cedric is worried about succession

Graham realizes that he hasn’t had contact with the family since

Cedric tells Graham that he should’ve attended the funeral and such

Graham encounters toxic masculinity. How fun!

Verona elected to stay on the island

Lucas tries to apologise to Liza, and she forgives him

Liza “saw things”

The duke of Baldur’s gate is into some shady shit

Gnolls everywhere, walking freely

Not even working as waiters or anything

Escrima comes out of his trance

Mother wants him to take the party to Calimport

A woman was shouting in some strange language

Jeeves tells him he’s been sleeping for like a week

“Are there any garments that I should don?”

Amazingly, Escrima assumes that the trial is more important that seeing Lupe

Escrima gets some nice clothes and a hearty meal before leaving for the courthouse

Escrima gets there before the others, and Merrow is confused

They’re late?

You’re a noble, right?

You can be a judge!

What could possibly go wrong?

You’ll judge him, you’ll convict, and we’ll get to watch an execution!

Escrima does some word association to prepare

The rest of the gang heads for the trial, but there’s heavy traffic

The trial marches on

Heir is accused of high treason

Escrima gasps

A copy of Hier’s letter is passed to the judges

Judges may ask questi-

Escrima starts mumbling nonsense about wolves and mouths and meatbags

That’s a very good point, your honor!

He should seek to be more than just a meatbag

Escrima wonders where Hier learned calligraphy

The judge puts forward that the letter was forged!

Mother tells him that the letter was not a forgery

Escrima tells the crowd that it was not a forgery, and Hier is a TRAITOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Rocky and Zerander head to the trial

Hey, they get to see a paladin judge a trial. How cool!

Graham’s gonna be a very interesting judge to watch!

Very cool and collected

They hear Escrima shouting

Rockseeker becomes worried

The defense wants to continue with the forgery line

They call out a sister of the night as a defense witness

It’s sister Mary Anne, who was out getting takeout during the battle, I guess

She says that he’s innocent

Mary Anne says that the plot was all the sisters, and Hier was a patsy

Mother says that Escrima should forgive Hier

Hier is declared innocent and released

The gang arrives at the courthouse

It’s quiet. Weird.

Escrima, Merrow, Rocky, and Zerander are the only people there

Graham wonders what happened to the trial

Everyone chews him out

Lucas tells Escrima off

Coy and Lucas try to leave, but Rocky stops them

Rocky introduces Zerander to the party

Lucas takes 3 damage from the handshake

Zerander inexplicably clocks Graham //😒

Lucas asks Rocky about Baldur’s Gate

Rocky knows the sisters are there and that Lucas is wanted there

He worries that Baldur’s Gate will join the sisters

Lucas makes idle threats to Rocky about Greg’s safety

Rocky introduces Connie

PVP occurs, and Zerander completely believes that she’s what they say she is

Rocky can’t find Coy

He introduces Zerander to High Magistrate Escrima

“Your faces... why do they look so long? Have I done something wrong?”

Pls ask us first next time, dear

Watchu Doin’, Coy?

Coy goes looking for Hier

She asks about where he went

She borrows a horse

Hier’s not in the main hall of the inn

The bartender points her upstairs

She thinks she’s stealthed

Coy steals a ring of room keys from a housekeeper

She searches the private rooms

An alchemist opens the first door

“You’re not what I ordered!”

He slams the door in her face

She tries to listen in through another room

But there’s no answer

She unlocks the door, and finds Zerander’s room

There’s a locked chest! Watchu doin’?

Unlocking the chest, apparently

Dude, there’s a dungeoneer’s pack!

Coy leaves the room and locks everything up

Next room!

“Housekeeping!”

A voice answers, but she doesn’t recognize it

It’s a halfling aristocrat guy

“Sorry, wrong room”

“...could it be the right room? I have money!”

There’s a lot of rooms in here

Behind the door, she hears Hier and someone else hyucking it up

Apparently, there was some kind of setup at the trial

Hier’s paying someone 3kgp

Meanwhile, the gang wonders where Coy went

Rocky suggests she might be doing something rash

Lucas asks about fast travelling to Neverwinter

There’s some portals around, but they’re fairly expensive

The gang considers travelling by air

Connie asks Merrow about appointing a stand-in for meetings

Apparently, people do it a lot. Just leave the masks with whomever

Rocky is optimistic about Escrima’s ruling. This is slightly disconcerting

He mentions Mother by name

Lucas glares at Escrima

Escrima hears Lucas staring at him

We’re in a manga now

Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~

Lucas warns Escrima about Mother

Escrima is “Confundled”

Rockseeker gives his condolences to Connie

Coy murders Lord Hier

She draws Suzie, and leaves stealth

She opens the door to the room with Hier and the Lawyer

BANG! The door swings open wildly

The force of the door causes it to bounce off the wall and swing back in her face

She teleports into the room

Coy tells the lawyer to fuck off if he doesn’t want to die

Battle with Lord Hier the Innocent of Waterdeep

Hier draws his own sword and strikes, clipping Coy’s tail

Coy teleports behind Hier

“Nuthin’ personnel, kid...”

Suzie cuts through his body

Blood soaks the room

Hier tries to flee, but Coy teleports in front of him

She quarters him in a flurry of swings

Blood goes everywhere

Lord Hier of Waterdeep is dead

The cleaning lady she stole the keys from sees this and screams

WATCHU DOIN’, COY THEY’RE COMING!

She jumps out a window

Hey Coy, did you know that you’ve just committed a serious crime and will probably be hanged?

Coy jumps around the outside of the tavern

She fumbles a jump in front of the tavern, and lands on her face

Coy runs to the stable. The party is loitering there

Coy demands that Connie disguise her

She cleans the blood off, but that’s the best she could do

Lucas casts invisibility on Coy, who doesn’t stop talking

The gang heads off to the estate

Greg is discussing matters with some nobles

Hey Lucas, how’d the trial go?

Escrima failed us

Greg reminds Lucas that Escrima saved his life several times

Lords Valria and Haliam introduce themselves

They’re talking about organizing a campaign through the southeast

It’s gonna be a month or two before they can start

Greg wants to stay in Waterdeep to oversee the march on Beydale

Coy gives Connie the dagger of breakfast watching //Another magic item. When someone holds it, they see a brief vision of the future. the first couple of times the party used it, the vision included breakfast, hence the name.

She holds it by the blade

There’s a dank corridor

The casters are fighting

Graham charges at a monster

There’s some eggs benedict in the corner

The architecture is distinctly dwarven

Connie grabs the knife

She sees a city surrounded by steam

There’s a hangar being built

Lucas is there, but older

Graham is there, but different

Ooh, an omelette

Gee, that was weird.

A note from Rocky arrives, saying that Hier was murdered, and if they need horses to go looking for him.

No leads on the suspect, somehow

How convenient!

Zerander picks up his armor

Lucas copies spells, and Greg keeps him company

Connie visits the tower of magi

On the way there, the carriage stops in an alley

There’s a person there. She identifies herself as being sister Lake //The cult Connie allegedly belongs to is supposed to basically be the church of scientology. Sister Lake is her auditor.

Lake wants her to return to the monastery

Connie assures her that she’ll be back soon, and will definitely pay her dues

Connie hires a mage with sending to help with the sessions she’ll miss

Connie gives greg the mask, and instructs him to have Mario the sending mage contact her with information

“Aren’t there like, vampires around here or something?”

Lucas messages Rocky about the vampire problem

There’s a letter from Viper

...but Jake had moving stuff to do, so we’ll never know what it said

Escrima talks about how he trained Lupe during the week

She knows to attack gnolls now, which is cool

They could probably ride her now

Let’s go to Casa de Lupe

Zerander hears some screeches from the hangar

Frank freaks out, but Zerander calms him down

Connie tells Escrima to open the bay doors

Zerander sees the wyvern, and pulls out his longsword

“What is that?!?!?!?!”

“We caught her”

Lupe cautiously approaches Zerander

Zerander offers to “fix” Lupe

Oh! You know how to spay a wyvern?

River crossing puzzle! //Idk if it’s come up yet, but being a large party, we tend to have trouble figuring out how to transport people effectively using the items we have. obviously we could just use horses, but this is dungeons and fucking dragons! If we can fly, we’re going to god damn fly!

Lucas on broom //Magic item. It’s a flying broom. Its carry weight is pretty low, so only the lighter characters can really make use of it, but it’s amazing anyway.

Escrima on Lupe

Connie on Broom

Zerander on Lupe

Coy on the fly

Graham on the fly

Lupe launches out of the hangar, and the party takes to the skies with her

END