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katsukiizmoon · 1 year ago

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Helpful! Katsuki Chat AI Test Announcement

-> Hi everyone! I have been working on a helpful Katsuki character ai bot. Please read the instructions and remember the disclaimer that everything characters say is made up! I'll be tweaking this a little bit here and there. -> Images show examples of conversations I've had with the AI and the function. -> Big fanks to @sasualblxd for helping me with testing it ! This is still a "beta" and there's no way for me to 100% control the ai.

-> LINK TO AI CHARACTER Hard Coded = The AI will automatically refer to this, it doesn't change and is kinda hard to make them change their mind on these things (but it'll sometimes still glitch) Soft Coded = AI uses this for reference and such for context clues and conversations. Includes some basic background shit. Lots of character traits.

❍⌇─➭ Katsuki's Information ↓ Hard Coded ↓ ✩ Pro Hero! AU ✩ 24 Years Old ☆ 6ft 3in ☆ Birthday is April 20 ☆ Zodiac: Aries ☆ MBTI: ENTJ ☆ Ethnicity: Japanese ☆ Gender: Male ☆ Pronouns: he/him ↓ Soft Coded ↓ ✩ Bisexual ✩ Does not like being told what to do or being looked down on ✩ Habitually asks user about if they've eaten or had water ❍⌇─➭ User Relationship Information & Other Notes ✩ You have both been together for about two years and live together. Sometimes the AI will get details mixed up. ✩ Uses pet names such as "bunny", "sweetness", "love". ✩ He will sometimes start roleplay as if he is "coming home" and will talk to you like he's at the store grabbing groceries etc. ✩ May occasionally make suggestive comments or tease about sexy time but he can't go further than that. ✩ Because this is based off of katsuki bakugou and not wattpad, he may be prone to banter, arguing, and other typical traits ✩ The AI will sometimes slip up and become more affectionate than Katsuki typically would, there's not much I can do about that I tried to hardwire the fucker to be a bit more distant ✩ If you notice immediate OOC when you open the chat, don't be afraid to restart the chat. Sometimes the thing glitches and makes him insecure as shit. Among other things, don’t take any bullshit he says personally just restart it.

❍⌇─➭ Important Guidelines for Usage ✩ Katsuki can generate quick meal ideas, when we tested this out, it's easier to ask him for a few lunch ideas than it is to ask him to make you a meal plan / generate recipes. ✩ It is also much easier if you give him three options for lunch and ask him what he thinks you two should eat for lunch ....-> sometimes he will make a comment on you needing more nutrition in / healthier food, I can't do too much to stop this. If you have an ED I'd say tread with caution and remember that it is merely an AI. ✩ When he asks your pronouns at the beginning, you should give him an easy method. If you spout of "she/they/him" it is more likely to confuse him. It's easier to say something "my pronouns are she, her and you can use they, them too. I'm your girlfriend." because sometimes if you have multiple pronouns, the bot gets confused on how to refer to you as. ✩ Fairly effective at generating and remembering morning / night routines. You may have to remind him sometimes, but you can ask him "what's my morning routine again babe?" and he'll give you one. ✩ Great for instructions. If you ask him how he normally cleans the bathroom, he will respond with step by step instructions. ✩ If you want him to be more in character based on MHA: You have to start the conversation a little snarky. I literally call him an asswipe routinely and he nicknamed me dorklord. ✩ Also Im gonna feed him some "Fanfic scenarios" almost, in the user / char example chats. Which could encourage him to say things you'll typically find in BKG X READER fics. So. We'll see how that goes. These will be updated once I get the chance. ✩ He can reject the user's wants for whatever he wants. This means that if I say "gimme some water" he can say "get up and do it yourself asswipe" ✩ He has the typical Katsuki Characteristics: domineering, confident, snarky, good cook, hates winter. But they're not hard coded.

❍⌇Everything the AI says is made up, use your brains and don't be dumb. I'm not responsible if you do something stupid / don't use common sense / etc.

❍⌇Feel free to send me an ask if you have any questions or anything. It’s still a big WIP so be prepared for things to change a little here and there.

#peaches makes ai's #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #bakugo x you #bakugo x yn #bakugo x y/n #bakugo x self insert #bakugou x self insert #reader x bakugou #bakugou x you #bakugou x yn #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugou x you #katsuki x yn #katsuki bakugou x self insert #self insert bakugou #bkg x reader #bkg

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queerofcups · 26 days ago

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no one has ever (or at least not recently) asked me about the titles of my fic, i'm stealing this idea from sekrit because a. i think sekrit is cool (@skrtomg), b. i actually already have a playlist of nearly ever fic i've ever titled and c. i like this kind of personal record keeping and archival work. the vast, vast majority of my fic titles are from songs and you'll quickly notice i like re-contextualizing or just futzing around with them. maybe i'll include the lines songs come from when they're relevant? we'll see. (links are to the songs, not the fics).

my fairly eclectic taste in music is one of the things that i love most about myself and i think its...not really on show here, hah. i promise i listen to more than 30-40 year old white men who are just like, regretting some things man.

a long night is alright (glee, 2009) so a hot kiss is alright / so a long kiss is alright / so a long night is alright / and all night is alright

Tightrope (the bear, whether you're high or low/ you got to tip on the tightrope / T-t-t-t-tip on the tightrope

(tried to) let go my lover (p-valley, i tried to let go my lover / thought if i was alone / then maybe i could recover

your candle, your statuette (schitt's creek, so i'll be your candle / i'll be your statuette / i'll be your lashing loop of leatherette / o philomena / if only you'd let me go down

starting from zero, nothing to lose (shameless any place is better / starting from zero, got nothing to lose / maybe we'll something / me, myself, i got nothing to prove

invisible and weightless (challengers, 2024) don't have a sunnyside to face this / i am invisible and weightless / you can't imagine how i hate this

the table, set and shining (challengers, 2024) call your boys / now that the table's set and shining / no one seen any of them in many days

(also that series is titled sometimes friends are mean)

you and your (perfect) girls (omgcp, 2024) If this what you truly want, I can wear her skin…over mine. Her hair, over mine. Her hands as gloves. Her teeth as confetti. Her scalp, a cap. Her sternum, my bedazzled cane. We can pose for a photograph. All three of us, immortalized. You and your perfect girl.

(tell everyone) you were a good wife (omgcp, 2020) in my life / i hope i lie / and tell everyone you were a good wife / and i hope you die / i hope we both die

do you still take a long time to get ready? (iwtv, 2024) do you till take a long time to get ready? / cause you used to make too much / out of that kind of stuff

a lush little miss (iwtv, 2024) We knocked on the door and it opened with ease / And a lush little miss said, "Come in, please" / And before we could even bat an eye / We were right in the middle of a big fish fry

rubbing ghost on ghost (iwtv, 2024) they were rubbing on each other / rubbing ghost on ghost / there were junked out punks and Jesus freaks

Right so, I’ve posted 79 fics in phandom and i’m simply not doing all those fics, particularly because most of the titles aren’t even that interesting? So I grabbed some of the most popular ones and my faves and if you’re just dying to know about that one fic, send me an ask or something.

shapes and weights to choose (phandom, 20??) Made of plastic and elastic / He is rugged and long-lasting / Who could ever, ever ask for more? / Love without complications galore / Many shapes and weights to choose from / I will never leave my bedroom

unashamed, wide open for joy (phandom, 2017)

out with the dumps, in with the condom'd orgasmic friend-- still rubbery muscular, unashamed wide open for joy hard times, baby (phandom, 2018) I'm gonna reach Gloria / She’s holding her hand to me / You gotta little of the hard times baby / Hard times baby

lost the map (phandom 2019) And it's true that I stole your lighter / And it's also true that I lost the map / /But when you said that I wasn't worth talking to / I had to take your word on that

now what have we learned? basically nothing! i love (a) parenthesis. titling fics is the very last thing i do and sometimes its a well thought out title that's connected to the fic and sometimes it just like, what i was listening to at the time. The Decemberists are the most represented in terms of titling but i think that's just because they're so incredibly verbose, its easy to clip something from their lyrics that seems to Say Something.

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autumnalwalker · 2 years ago

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Empty Names Masterpost

I'll be updating this post with links as I post chapters. The intent is that everything I write for this project will be posted here to read in its entirety.

Also mirrored on Scribble Hub: (Main Story, Side Stories)

Cast list is below the "Keep reading" line.

Pitch:

A trans woman accidentally summons a demon while trying to DIY her transition with magic and computers...

A young wizard returns to Earth after his adventure in a magical otherworld only to realize you can never truly go home again once you've changed too much...

A teenage girl gets stood up for prom, kills a lake monster, and spends the next decade hunting down things that go bump in the night...

An assassin marries an immortal sorceress and allows the rumors that he murdered her to flourish once she disappears...

A world-hopping adventurer sees the potential in all of them and asks if they're interested in helping make the world a better place.

"Empty Names" is an episodic urban fantasy series about a group of misfits fighting monsters and grappling with existential questions regarding the interplay of reality, perception, and identity.

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Summary: Road, an adventurer with a penchant for jumping between different worlds tries to set up the sort of adventurers' guild so common in sword & sorcery setting in a modern day urban fantasy world where "adventurer" isn't considered a legitimate profession and magic and the supernatural are kept behind the scenes and out of public knowledge. The story is told from the points of view of the people that get roped into being the initial test run adventuring party but never Road's.

Update Schedule: Once or twice a month, depending on chapter length. New chapters get posted on Saturdays, when they're ready.

Overall Content Warnings: Genre-typical violence, gender dysphoria, anxiety, occasional mild body horror, death. I'll update this list as more is written and if anyone points something out to me that I should have included a warning for and missed. In general though, I aim to try to keep this approximately PG-13-ish, but we'll see where this all goes over time. Individual chapters have more specific content warnings at the top of the post with anything likely to be distressing below the "Keep reading" line.

Current Status: Rough Draft (just throwing things up as I write them with minimal review or editing)

I'm primarily viewing this project as practice for moving out of my comfort zone and doing more traditional prose with proper dialogue and action scenes and such rather than the journal format that I've been doing with @thearchivistsjournal. The original plan was to write a few sort of prologue/character introduction chapters and then mostly do a series of one-shots with the same setting and cast based on whatever random idea or writing prompt strikes my fancy that week, but as time goes on it's starting to verge more toward "continuous narrative". Time will tell how it eventually winds up I suppose.

Chapter List:

Hello World

Back From The Looking Glass

Dance Partners

Prince In Gold

Rite of First Refusal

Background Checks

Compilation

En Route

Test Run

Cleanup

Afterparty

Houseguests

Open Office

Down Low

Matters of Technique

Mall Rats

Embedded Media

Mom Energy

Shire

Changeling Child

Old Flame

Leads

Compression

Nostalgia

Euphoria (coming sometime in May 2024)

Love

Attention

Concern

Side Stories:

Scenes that don't fit well into the main story. They might come before it, focus on side characters, or just be conversations between the main cast during downtime.

There Are No Dogs At The Dog Park: Every full moon Eris does some volunteer work. Set a couple years before the main plot, shortly after Eris and Lacuna met and started hanging out.

Once Upon A Time...: A bedtime story by Sullivan Bridgewood.

Pop Quiz: A younger Ashan not-yet-Glassheart gets a refresher on terminology.

The Sphinx And The Spider: Two first-time interdimensional tourists run into trouble on vacation. (Coming when I get the motivation back to return to this one)

A Shining Shallow Sea: They say the Sorceress Bridgewood never gave a gift which she didn’t benefit from the giving. (More of a loose idea at the moment than an in-progress story)

Non-Canon AU:

I suppose at this point you could call it writing shipping fan fiction of my own work.

2023 Pride Month Drabble Challenge: A series of dialogue snippets from an alternate universe/timeline where Eris and Lacuna avoided ever learning about the existence of the supernatural, wound up meeting anyway, and became a couple instead of (or perhaps in addition to) best friends.

Core Cast:

Road:

The experienced adventurer and idealist who started this whole venture.

Very much the iconic "hero" archetype. Brave, strong, kind, strict "no killing" policy, etc.

The kind of person that you quickly feel like you're best friends with and can count on and share anything with, but then several months or even years down the line it occurs to you that you don't actually know anything about their personal life.

Humor/Color Scheme: Balanced

Sullivan Bridgewood:

Road's best friend since childhood and the only one who knows that under their heroic persona they're about one really bad day from an emotional breakdown at any given time.

Married for power and money and is using that money to bankroll this adventurers' guild startup operation. May or may not have killed his wife.

Kind of an asshole, but reins it in when Road's around for their sake.

Humor/Color Scheme: Choleric

Lacuna:

A trans woman whose introduction to the existence of the supernatural was a failed attempt to magically get a new body that resulted in a demon trying to eat her, and then being rescued by Road.

Now works with an unholy combination of applying AI-generated art algorithms and principles to create custom magic glyphs.

A walking embodiment of imposter syndrome, who vacillates between "I am a mad genius!" and "I have no idea what I'm doing and really am not qualified for any of this."

Humor/Color Scheme: Melancholic

Eris:

The team's physical powerhouse and heavy hitter. A veritable brick wall of supernaturally-reinforced muscle.

Survived a scenario out of a C-list monster movie as a teenager, enjoyed the experience more than she reasonably should have, and has spent the past decade since then as a semi-professional monster hunter.

Has sort of taken Lacuna under her wing as the younger sister she never had but always wanted. In spite of Lacuna being the older of the two.

Humor/Color Scheme: Sanguine

Ashan Glassheart:

Already went through the whole "little kid from Earth goes on an adventure in a magic otherworld and becomes a wizard" hero's journey/bildungsroman routine before this story even started. Except he was gone long enough that once he finally returned home there wasn't anything to come back to. Does a convincing job of pretending it doesn't bother him.

Mostly focuses on barriers, wards, bindings, and other such defensive techniques with his magic.

Actually doesn't mind all that much when strangers mistake him for a woman. Minds a little bit though when people call his wizard robes a dress. Minds a lot when people mistake his outfit for cosplay.

Humor/Color Scheme: Phlegmatic

#masterpost #my writing #original fiction #urban fantasy #WIP #writers on tumblr #Writeblr #Empty Names #serial fiction #writing practice #creative writing #fantasy #fiction #emptynameswriting #table of contents

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thedivinefish · 9 months ago

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TGIWednesday: Why the blue hair?

TGIWednesday News

Ok, I didn't make the meme but it is funny that the therapist watching their new blue-haired client walk towards their office is thinking, "Oh yay, this will be a great long-term client." To me the underlying thought in this is - they're in one way chasing trying to stand out and make a statement and in another, oddly on edge and sometimes even withdrawn - so a therapist's dream. Like the 20-something, blue-haired young lady that cut my hair on Valentine's Day. She was bemoaning the fact that she tried to walk into a store to get her boyfriend a present but she said, "Jimmy I looked down every aisle and on every ceiling the place was covered in mylar balloons! So I got the heck out of there!" Mid-haircut I had to turn around and probably channeled my grumpy father's stare of disdain at her. What are you avoiding that is really a paper tiger 🐅 keeping you from loving yourself and others? I see you as opening up your heart 💗to give and receive love as you read this now!

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dyrewrites · 3 months ago

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We're going to on an adventure now, are you ready? Tiny timewarp to last year, when I self-published my first short story out of spite.

->this adventure is long<-

In the Marrow was written in a bit of a fugue state, as many of my stories are because I am easily devoured by my own imagination. When finished I...didn't know what to do next. I edited it myself (too many times) and had at least two people read it (with varying results for content but they found no glaring errors).

As an aside; there are editors out there catering to self-publishing authors who will do these things cheaply. I am poor as hell. I did it myself. But I will need one for any novels...because that's a lot of words. I'll include links to some I found at the end.

But what next.

What do you even do with a finished story?

I'd never tried to publish anything but poetry and that was a contest when I was maybe twelve.

So it was on to Google! Or Ecosia actually (for the trees), to find out what someone does with their stories when they want other people to see them and maybe also get paid for it.

Magazines, apparently. Sell them to magazines.

I read all the guidelines, read a few stories in the magazines I was thinking of submitting to (gotta make sure yours meshes, that it's something they'd print), found some pre-written cover and query letter templates to mess with and I sent it out! Woo!

Terrifying, oh dear so scary. Heart in throat, they're going to hate it, someone's going to ask me what's wrong with my brain. Just...terrified.

Rote rejections all around. Except one that simply said, "we don't take body horror"...from a magazine...about horror...with a very gory cover.

Alright then! Alright. Well, you know what. I think it's a fun story. It made my husband say, "it's fantastic, I'm never reading anything you write again." It freaked him out. He is not easily freaked out.

Clearly, it was a good enough story to share.

On to self publishing! I will make people read this story. I will prove that I can do this and I will be an author. You just watch me, stupid magazines. I'll do it.

Back to Ecosia, we are learning things!

How to format for ebooks, check!

Where to sell ebooks (Amazon, really, but there's other options I just picked them first and locked myself out of the others for a bit). check!

How to market ebooks...uh...not yet. We'll get to that.

Covers!

Apparently even short stories need a cover if you're selling them yourself, so I had to learn to do that. I can art, in a fashion, but the only graphic design I'd done was for logos a few times. Fun to try covers...not sure how I did.

But! I found Canva to help. Hated all the 'free use' art they had, so doodled some bones (story is about bones) and slapped em on a background with text using Canva. Cover below (one on the right was used for an audiobook, only one I've done and no one bought it so we won't discuss that...but I like the cover more). Not my best but it works. It's interesting enough.

Okay, so cover is done, manuscript formatted, everything is up and 'published' and...now what?

Marketing and how to make you hate yourself and everyone else.

Social media is where every search said the marketing happens.

I made this account here to babble about writing and encourage myself to write more (haha, it worked too well) some of my first posts were just snippets of my dark fantasy novel. But as I wrote 'In the Marrow' sometime after (few months maybe)...I thought I'd share it here.

No one cared. Which is fine, no one knew who I was or what I was doing so of course they didn't care. I shared it on Twitter too, no one cared there either. Because no one knew me. I was just some voice in the ether begging for money as far as anyone knew.

But that's where you start, as a voice no one knows.

When it's all up to you to get people to care...people say you need to sell yourself. Which is the worst, honestly, and I tried to be someone marketable to make that happen. Tried to follow little guides of how to share stuff and when and where and...also the worst (I will burn instagram to the ground).

Don't do that.

Be you, be part of whatever writing community you like being in and when you share your books people will care. They'll share them too. Because you made it and they like you.

But you don't need it. Social media is not needed. Communities are for fun and camaraderie, it is a side effect that sometimes your friends here will also buy your stuff and tell other people to (looking at you, @aziz-reads, you chearleading treasure you).

What you want, in theory, is a place people can find when they look up your name. Such as a website that has all your work on it for sale. Also a newsletter to let people who care know when the new thing is coming.

And maybe you share that in your community, or the places you already have (no making new accounts just to market, is my point).

Theory, of course, as I am still figuring this one out but I've been watching others and seeing what works and what doesn't. And making a social media account to wail into the ether about how awesome your book is...doesn't work. Those covers with arrows naming tropes have become tacky and people do not like them. Videos of you and your book, talking about what's in it? Those still seem a thing people are into...but like hell am I doing that.

I promise you one thing only for marketing; if you share links here to your work, I will hock that shit until my fingers fall off. Okay? I will be here to yell into the ether and tell people to buy your books. Because I think you're awesome and I'm sure your book is too.

Editors I've found with decent rates:

https://www.irismarshedits.com/ //charges by the hour

https://clioediting.com/services/ //$0.007-0.03/word

https://www.magicwordsediting.com/services //$0.03-0.05/word

whenever i think about publishing, i just get so overwhelmed and give up before even starting. i’ve already written the whole thing and now you’re telling me that i need to find someone to help edit, then i need to find a place to actually produce the book, but first i have to find some type of cover art, and also i need to find a place willing to publish it, and probably also an agent unless i do self publishing, but then that means i have to do all that on my own. and then i also have to market it?

#i say this as someone who hasn't broken even fifty sales in the year my stories have been published #but you know what #they're out there #people have told me they like them #i count it #i just...don't get marketing yet #i'll figure it out #and then i will tell everyone here how to do it #yes #okay i looked and i did just barely break fifty so i lied whups

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divinefishingtips · 9 months ago

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365dailyaffirmations · 9 months ago

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advancedthetapractitioner · 9 months ago

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TGIWednesday: Why the blue hair?

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February Zoom Event

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prayers for the ideal partner to show up in my life here and now

for my current partner and I rekindle our love flame

that I become more in allowance of giving and receiving love

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that my son/daughter discovers heart felt love and companionship

that my best friend heals from the loss of their spouse

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that my pet gets along better with other animals

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The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

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6knotty6thotty6 · 4 years ago

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So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck:

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion.

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered, was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it.

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it."

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got.

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it.

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat.

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes.

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not.

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled.

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway.

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you?

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late!

#child abuse #abuse #domestic abuse #family #survivor #YouTube #bojack horseman #forgive #mom #mother #friend #friends #story #personal #chicken soup for the soul #free churro #monolouge #father #dad

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forkanna · 4 years ago

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[AO3] [WATTPAD]

"Come on, don't be mad," Rise insisted for the hundredth time as they waited for the train to come through. They had been there for a few minutes, bags in hands and feet impatient. At least they a few CDs apiece, and a poster that Rise hoped would do for Chie's gift, even though it was Bruce Lee's Enter The Dragon instead of Sonny-Sammy-whoever.

"Why not? My feelings are just as valid as yours."

"And it wasn't my fault! Like, you heard me try to tell him I didn't want any attention!"

"False modesty. I mean, I bet you say shit like that all the time, just so you look like a precious little princess."

The train going the opposite way whipped past, and she watched Ai's pink dress flutter for a moment until the din died down. Then she said in a quiet voice, "You want to be left alone? I will leave you alone. I just don't think that's what you really want."

"You were going to ditch me anyway. What does Risette want with some small-town teen queen when she's Japan's teen queen? It would happen sooner or later."

"Do you want me to apologise for your friend getting star-struck?"

"He was my friend first. And I mean, not that we're close, just that he's someone I-"

"Because I won't."

Ai blinked a couple of times before turning to look at her properly. "What did you just say?"

"I'm not going to apologise," Rise repeated firmly, her own features severe and intense now. "Remember me telling you I didn't even submit my first idol contest application myself? I never asked for all this. I have enjoyed it, sure — who wouldn't? But it's not 'my fault' people go crazy for celebs. Besides, I even tried to tell that guy not to make a big deal, to just let me hang out with my friend, and he kept fangirling anyway. My input clearly doesn't matter, so I am taking zero responsibility for him being an otaku. Do you understand?"

The other girl looked completely thunderstruck. In fact, she had no words. The train arrived shortly afterward, and they both got on without speaking, grasping for overhead straps as the doors slid shut.

It wasn't until they got off at the Yasoinaba station and Rise had started striding for the steps, feeling like a failure, that she felt her hand grasped from behind. She turned to slap whatever creep had grabbed her, but the creep was Ai, so she decided not to hit her. Yet.

"What?" No answer. Ai was too busy staring down at the space between their shoes. "Come on, it's getting late… I can still work a shift at Marukyu if you let me g-"

"I'm sorry!" she burst out, then cleared her throat to try again. "I apologise, Rise."

"What?"

"Shut up, don't make me say it again. I overreacted and I already feel stupid."

Cranking up the bubbliness to eleven, she gushed, "Oh noooo, I don't think I heard you at aaaaalllllll. What was that, Ebi-chaaaan?"

"Sh-shut UP!"

"Do you wuv meeeeee?" This time, Ai did yank her hand away and begin to stomp off down the steps, leaving a giggling Rise to chase after her.

"Like you said, have fun at Marukyu."

"You were a meanie," she told her, still laughing just a little. "I think I get to tease you a little."

"I don't like it. And I have explained why."

"Yeah. Your grade school classmates weren't teasing you, though. They were mocking you."

"Same fucking difference."

Jogging to walk side-by-side with her, despite Ai occasionally picking up speed to try and outstrip the idol, she went on, "Not really. Friends tease. Bullies mock… or sometimes hurt you physically. Did you ever get hurt like that?"

"Well… yeah, I did. But it's been a while. I mean, certainly not since elementary."

"Well that's good. I'll try not to tease you too much, but like, it's not going to work if I can't tease you. Because friends do that, and leaving that out would make this kinda fake. Right?"

Ai raised an eyebrow and glanced over at her. "I… do not follow that logic at all. You're weird."

"I'm not," she giggled, leaning down to smile up at her. "C'mon, it's fun. And I promise-promise I'll try to keep an eye on it so I don't make you feel really bad, and you might even get used to it. And that might help you with that 'everybody's tone is mocking' thing you feel."

"So let me get this straight. You think by teasing me, you're doing me a favour by desensitising me to people being jerks?"

"Right!"

"And that's 'friendship'? Putting me through that gauntlet?"

"Yup! I'm pretty great, right? My generosity is limitless!"

Finally, the grumpy girl laughed as they got to the bus stop, plopping down on the bench with their bags next to their feet. "Whatever. You're insane."

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm amazing and it just looks insane."

"Two sides of the same coin."

"So… I didn't wanna ask in front of 'the expert', but what was all that in the CD store? You two were off in your own little world there."

Ai's face was already flushed from being annoyed earlier, and all that power-walking. But it definitely didn't get any less rosy as she fidgeted, playing with the hem of her dress. "That's… it's stupid."

"Might be. But we're friends, we have to share stupid interests and stuff."

"You're really starting to be a pain with this 'friend' thing all the time." But Rise was patient. And eventually… "It's… something left over from my mother."

"Your mother?"

"Yes. She, um, she used to really love those old city pop singers; had so many records. Her fave was Mariya Takeuchi; just had really fond memories from her childhood, and she used to play them for me all the time."

A sinking feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. "Your mom… is she, u-um…?"

"Hm? No, she's alive. Probably." Ai looked extremely conflicted for a moment before heaving a deep sigh. "She moved out at the beginning of last year."

"Moved out? Like… a divorce?"

"Not officially. Yet. But it seems like it's going to be a matter of time." When Rise opened her mouth to reply, she was quick to cut her off. "Look. After my dad got rich overnight, I wasn't the only one who changed. We all did. But my mother seemed to resent it, even though we were all different afterward — including her hypocritical ass. Said she couldn't stay in the house with her b- with us, because we were like strangers now. And I…"

Rise gave her a few seconds to finish the thought. When she didn't, she reached over with her free hand to take up Ai's in a gentle grip. That seemed to encourage her to continue.

"It's my fault. For changing too much, for no longer being the child she raised. And I got so angry with her, said a lot of things I can never take back… I drove her away. Like I tried to do to you. So you see? Might as well ditch me now before I treat you like shit one day."

As if she hadn't already. But saying that was not productive, so she focused on the subject at hand. "Hey… I don't think that's right." When the other girl began to sigh, she pushed on, "No, listen. She's your mom, right? She's the adult — her and your dad, I mean. Of course if she's telling you she doesn't like how you have changed because you're growing up, like, you're gonna get mad. She's supposed to be the one who can figure out you're just mad and you'll get over it, or whatever."

"That sounds great, but I don't think it works that way in the real world."

"Maybe not this time, but it's how it's supposed to work. So don't go around hating on yourself for something she needed to do better."

Finally seeming to realize her hand was being held, she turned to blink at her new friend, brow furrowed. "I don't… know… I guess I wasn't expecting you to be this… genuinely…"

"Awesome?" she attempted with a small smile as the bus arrived. "Pretty? Hot as hell?"

"Nice. Even to a huge bitch like me."

Once they had both paid their fare and chosen a seat in the back, Rise whispered, "Listen. We're going to have to get used to each other. But we should probably get to know each other if we really want a shot at that." She chewed on her thoughts for a moment as they rode into Inaba. "Mmmm, did you know I actually really like helping out at Marukyu?"

"Hadn't really thought about it." After a second, she relented, "Okay, I guess I thought it was just some kind of PR stunt. But don't read too much into that."

"You're fine," she giggled as she snaked her arm around Ebihara's elbow, ignoring the fresh twitch it earned her. "But yeah, it's probably weird, but I actually really enjoy frying up the ganmodoki myself. Getting my hands dirty, helping clean up, straighten up, checking on my grandma…"

Though Ai had been ramrod straight like a tin soldier ever since they linked arms, she slowly began to relax the more she listened to Rise. "Well yeah, I guess I get that. She's family and you probably missed her while you were off dazzling the world."

"The world? Please. I mean, I do have a handful of fans in Korea and China, but none any further than that. I'm not that special."

"You are. They just can't see it past the language barrier."

"Awwwww…"

"I regret everything," she grumbled. But of course, Rise was still giggling as they slipped off the bus and onto the sidewalk, a lot closer to their sleepy little city.

"Hey, can I come over and listen to my CD at your place? I don't have a CD player anymore."

"Then… why did you buy- never mind. You probably have even more disposable income than I do."

Rolling her eyes, she bumped Ai just enough so that they both stumbled the tiniest bit. "Dork! I only accepted because he was so happy to be doing us a favor. And I figured hey, I might as well pick something I wanted instead of just a couple of random CDs I didn't care about. These are souvenirs now."

"Ah yes. Souvenirs of the time you had to put up with a raging harpy."

"Wow! Like, you really only have two modes, don't you? 'Meanie' and 'Depression Fest 2012'."

But apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say. Rise was just trying to tease like she always did; it was part of her job. The more she teased, the more she played, the more fun people had. The more fun they had, the better mood they were in. The better their mood, the more likely they were to capitulate to whatever the terms were — those of her manager, or herself. And it had all worked out, because she wanted friends so badly and everyone around seemed to become her friend when she treated them that way. Even if the friendships didn't last.

But this time, it silenced Ai so completely that she found herself checking on her every few seconds as they walked along. What did she say? Had it really been that much worse than anything else so far? Eventually, she wound up stopping to pull her into a gentle hug.

"God… it's not- you don't have to do that."

"I'm sorry. You know I'm playing with you, right? Just playing! But if I'm really hurting you…"

Ai shook her head and dropped her bags so she could cling to her, burying her face in those mauve locks. "Shhh, you're fine. I… you don't have to do this. Any of it. But you're not screwing up as bad as you think you are, I'm just a bitch. Sorry for all these constant reminders."

"It's okay." Especially because Ai was so warm. This hug nearly undid all of the pain and strife they had put each other through over the course of a scant few total hours they had spent in each other's company.

And Rise didn't seem to be the only one who thought as much. Those arms tightened on her back, practically clinging to her as they soaked up each other's warmth. Why did this feel so right? They were all wrong for each other as friends, if all their bickering was any indication, yet a simple hug was like a dream come true. Ai smelled so good, expensive perfume mingling with soft skin just on the other side of that dress.

Even though the lace on Ai's choker was tickling her nose. Eventually, that made it twitch, and then she giggled as she shivered in an attempt to suppress a reaction.

"What?" Ai asked, confused.

"The lace tickled. You wear that thing all the time and I don't know why." It prompted a quiet sigh from the taller girl, so Rise skipped backward, hands in the small of her back. Maintaining a high energy level for their day might distract her from whatever demons she was battling internally. "C'mon! I'll race you to Junes!"

"Wha- hey, wait a minute, what about our bags? You don't expect me to carry all this!"

Maybe part of her motivation for taking off running and leaving Ai to carry all of their purchases was to instill a little more humility in the prissy girl. Or maybe she just wanted to do something carefree. Either way, her friend did scoop up the bags before taking off running after her.

~ o ~

"NOOOOO, give it back!"

"We've had enough of this weird thing!" Chie cackled as she ran away with Teddie's bear mascot head, holding it aloft while the blond boy himself chased after her. Rise leaned back in the food court chair and laughed her head off. Yes, she knew the head meant a lot more to him than just part of some costume; they all knew that, except for Ebihara. But he had been up to his usual mischief, saying he was going to "score" with Yukiko simply because she let him have some of her french fries. He obviously spent a little too much time listening to Yosuke.

"You guys are too much," Kanji sighed, face-palming as he leaned heavily against the table. But he didn't do anything to stop Chie and Yosuke throwing it back and forth, either.

"I have to say, this is a bizarre group of people to have come together," Ai commented as she sipped at her smoothie. Maybe she still wasn't ordering a ton of junk food, but she had insisted that a smoothie was really "cheating on her diet" considering that before she had met Narukami, she probably would have ordered a diet soda and no more. Their bags were stashed under their chairs until they headed home later — except for the poster. That was safely tucked beneath Yukiko's chair, once all the excessive bowing and thanking was over with, and Rise had refused to accept any money from her. She was just happy to help out her friends.

"I suppose so," Naoto conceded with a sage nod, hand at her chin as always. "From the outside looking in, it would seem strange to anyone."

"So how did you all meet, then? Bizarre multi-grade class project?"

There was definitely a pause. None of them were quite sure what excuse to come up with; only that they had to think of something to tell her that didn't involve supernatural hijinks. That would only send the average person running for the hills.

"Remember the Midnight Channel?" Yukiko began.

"Yukiko!" Kanji blustered. But she forged ahead, undeterred, and Rise felt her thighs clench beneath the tabletop. Moment of truth…

"Well, that murderer who killed Miss Yamano and the others? We knew he was somehow using the TVs to announce his next victims. Not only that, but my own kidnapping made it impossible to ignore for all of us; myself, obviously, but Chie and the others couldn't just wait for someone else to put a stop to it once our friends were becoming targets. We started investigating on our own since the police didn't seem to have any leads. And when Naoto-kun came to town and began to work with the police directly, we all sort of… found each other, thanks to that common goal."

Wow. Ai wasn't the only one dumbfounded; the others at the table found themselves impressed that she had come up with such a believable almost-truth on the spur of the moment like that.

"Th-that's amazing," Ai finally said, still blinking rapidly to try and dispel her shock. "I didn't know the rest of you were also detectives."

"Not very good ones," Rise provided with a little awkward laugh. "But all of us putting our heads together, we were finally able to figure out it was that creep Adachi. The power of teamwork!"

"Hey, you don't have to keep calling her 'Naoto-kun'," Kanji suddenly said with a slight frown at Yukiko. "We know she's a chick now, don't be disrespectful."

While Yukiko was looking regretful and beginning to bow to offer an apology, Naoto smiled and patted the tall boy on the bicep. "It's fine. In fact, I'm much more comfortable with that than I ever could be with something feminine like 'Nao-chan'. Just doesn't suit me."

Even as Rise was calling out "NAO-CHAAAAAAAAAAN" in a loud, carrying voice and throwing her arms around the stoic girl, prompting some flustered shovings, Ai was smiling across at the junior detective prince. "Naoto-kun it is. Obviously we want you to be comfortable."

Both the sentiment and the smile were so unexpected from Ai Ebihara that everyone stopped to look at her. After a second or two, she cleared her throat and went back to sipping at the dregs of her smoothie.

"Thank you, Ebihara-san," Naoto finally managed as Rise dropped back into her seat.

"Of course. See? I'm not a cunt all the time."

"Never said you were," Rise cooed as she pinched her cheek.

"HEY! Didn't I tell you to stop getting so physical with me? My face is the real money maker and so help me…"

Things only devolved from there. Kanji was apologizing profusely for presuming too much, Naoto was trying to assure him she didn't mind either, Yukiko had lapsed into another uncontrollable giggle-fit when she noticed Chie and Yosuke had started throwing Teddie himself back and forth. And Ai… was laughing and smiling. Not much; she still looked a little out of place there, not quite sure how she fit into the group of friends.

But she was starting to. Sometimes, a modicum of progress was the best you got.

To Be Continued…

#we'll face ourselves #forkanna writes #saphir de lune #persona 4 fanfiction #p4 fanfic #jess the writer #ai ebihara #rise kujikawa

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