#i tried to find ones that were less about lack of gender/understanding and more just abt neurodivergency

[norel-ravenclaw]

Aro/Ace Spectrum x Hazbin

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Featured characters: All x aro/ace spec reader

Rating: 18

Genre: FLUFFIEST OF FLUFF and aro/ace SOUL HEALING romance

Word count: 2500

Description: Dating the Hazbins as an aro/ace. These are based on my personal experience, what friends and the internet have told me, and I tried to keep things generic and up to interpretation - whether you want to see it as 100% non sexual or otherwise is up to you. Gotta say, this turned out better than I thought it would, hope you like it!

WARNINGS: | gender neutral reader | suggestive content that can be interpreted in mutiple ways | mild angst? | Valentino and Adam are included | slight yandere vibes here and there (Sera, Lilith esp) | i bully vox, mostly bc I still can’t believe I like this mf |

“Love is choice, after all. And they will choose you every day for the rest of eternity.”

Alastor -

Connection over drinks, spontaneous dances, occasional murder, and a lack of desire for the normal things brought you together. But as your odd friendship grows, you find yourselves drawn to domestic habits and more comfortable touch. It’s Alastor who proposes that you make your relationship something more official. He’d never wanted one before, but with you, it’s easy. Whatever the both of you are or aren’t feeling like is fine, when it comes to dinner or intimacy. Touch is to feel good, lounging in the bath is for simple warmth and company. You become as comfortable in your skin as you are with each other. While emotion and urges are largely lacking, the comfort of constancy together is everything. And more than enough for you both.

Lucifer -

To be honest, all of his exes were a bit emotionally unavailable, so when you tell him that you can’t feel much (if anything at all) it nearly sends him spiralling for a moment. But with a strained smile and a few drinks, he listens to you and realises, maybe this is exactly what he needs. Your honesty is a refreshing change after millennia of mind games, lies, and dancing around expectations. Whether you want touch or not is fine with him - he is happy to take care of you in any way you need (and himself, in any way you’re comfortable with). All he wants is to be with you - the person that has restored his hope and the colour to his life.

Sir Pentious -

While he may never have had the words to describe such things, they were just as common in his century as they are now. So when you first tell him, his first response is worry that he’s accidentally broken your boundaries. He adores you, and he’s willing to do anything to be worthy to be by your side. If he can be the one to make you happy, simply say the word of how you want to be courted! Of course he’s happy to invent things to make your life easier. Flowers, food, romantic sightseeing flights in his warship. His egg boys are quickly at your beck and call. If you’re comfortable with cuddling, he’ll wrap himself around you and make you feel so safe and cosy.

Husk -

Mr. ‘I lost the ability to love ages ago’ certainly understands, well, more or less. But then you start breaking all his rules and walls down. He knows your boundaries and will follow them respectfully. To be honest, he does want to touch you, as much as you’ll allow. But even if you don’t want that, just having you by his side is enough to clear his head and make him happy to live in the present again. He can be as romantic or as casual as you like, make a fuss over things or keep is cool. Praise and support for everything you do, advice when you need it. Just help him take care of his wings and help bring him back down to earth when he gets lost in his head and he’ll be your ride or die for the rest of your afterlife.

Angel Dust -

Touch and over the top sexual energy is the only way he really knows to act when it comes to lovers. So when you come into his life, suddenly he’s able to slow down, step back, and just… be. And there’s something so liberating about that. If you’re okay to cuddle, he’d love intimate touch that has no sexual expectations. If you want to be more comfortable with things, he’d go so slowly and praise you all the way. No performing, no rush, just the two of you together. He’d love to joke with you, take you around town. Buy you the most fashionable clothes, maybe jump into turf wars for kicks now and then. But he’ll be as tender and supportive as you need, no matter what. If ever you may feel like it, he has plenty of hands available to hold.

Charlie -

The most supportive and understanding of them all. Everything you are is what she needs and loves and hoped for. So whatever you want life to look like, she’ll do whatever it takes to make it reality. From pancakes in bed to renovating your own space in the hotel, your happiness is hers. Whatever touch you’re comfortable with, she’ll work really hard to never make you feel crowded or overwhelmed. Tucking hair behind your ear or holding hands, candlelight dinners or dates to the best spots in hell. (Her credit card is loaded and ready to be used for you.) No matter how much you can feel, you can be sure she’ll feel enough love and affection for you both.

Vaggie -

She was a soldier, and having seen all types of personalities in that role, there’s no discrepancy in her mind between lack of feeling and a desire to love and protect. Her love is steady and calm, as attached or distant as you need it. Hell is never a safe place, so she’ll protect you from anything that could hurt you, emotionally or otherwise. Have enemies that will be arriving in hell? She’ll keep her info network on the lookout for them so she can take care of it for you. The hotel is safest place she knows of and will work to make it a sanctuary for you both. Whatever makes you happy, feel safe, and… want to stay with her. She thought she knew what salvation was, but it wasn’t until she met you that she truly experienced it for herself.

Cherri Bomb -

Sure she’s met a few aro/aces over the years, but it never really made sense to her. How can you not be obsessed with sex and drugs?? But when you come into the picture, all she knows is that you are what she needs. Whatever you need her to be or do, she’ll do it. Over time, she learns about you and why you are the way that you are, and any hesitations she may have had in loving you vanish. All that matters is that you’re happy, and safe, and by her side. You have to have an adrenaline junkie side to hang out with her. (But how hilarious if you don’t. Maybe she can introduce you to the less explosive joys of pyromaniacy? Burning pine needles is fun.) Maybe love with you is less passionate and fiery than she would have imagined, but finally hell can be home, as long as you’re there.

Vox -

This ass. He will definitely try to persuade you to try sexy things. And either you will and he’ll have to deal with any limitations you have, or the answer is still no. And he’s left questioning everything as he realises he can’t live without you. His ego (see: crippling insecurity) is threatened when he realises you may or may not be able to feel the way he does about you. He’d need you to reassure him and show that even if you can’t feel (or do) the usual things people expect in love, you do love his dumb tv-shark ass. Once he’s more convinced that you aren’t going to leave, and you really do love him in your own way, be prepared to be spoiled in every conceivable way. Want the heart of your enemy on a platter? The best writers and costume makers to make your fave book into the perfect movie? Cuddles? Money? His soul?? It’s yours.

Velvette -

She doesn’t have time for nonsense, and tbh your way of being is just easier for her. Feelings are more straightforward with you, in theory at least, and sex comes with easy to understand rules. (Maybe the rule is simply ‘no’.) If you at all have a love for design or fashion, she’ll have you on priority contact to send you pics and concepts to get your opinion. Maybe people even start to notice her style shifts a bit after meeting you. She’s a busy woman, so either hold a clipboard and be her assistant or be a good little lover and wait for her at home, dinner and bath salts ready to help her unwind from hectic days. But whatever your dynamic ends up being like, all she knows is hell is way fucking better with you.

Valentino -

Sure he knows people can be ace, but it’s still inconceivable to him that you are. How the fuck did this even happen, him falling for someone who isn’t a nympho?? Oh now there’s a possibility, maybe hypersexuality is a thing for you, and even though it doesn’t come with attraction, he can be your outlet. No matter how much or little you’re into sex in general, he can’t help but want to dote on you. The best restaurants, clothes, shows, and drinks. No one would ever dare to mess with you, and if they did, well, consider it taken care of. (Vees PR may have to do clean up, but whatever.) Pet names, talking to you in Spanish, and generally gushing over your existence is his M.O. Whether you want to fix him or make himself worse, he’s on your leash now.

Rosie -

If anyone is going to be understanding and accommodating of you, it’s Rosie. Gossip over her breaks, strolls around Cannibal Town, getting you the perfect wardrobe. She’ll spoil you as much as you can handle while still encouraging you to stand tall and be your best. Domestic bliss with a dash of community leadership (or manipulation, same thing) and psycho thrill is what she does best. Whatever you can or can’t give is fine with her, she’s a secure woman after all. All that matters to her is that you’re safe and strong enough to handle whatever hell may throw at you. And she, for one, is stronger with you beside her.

Adam -

Oh boy. This bastard can’t fathom anyone feeling differently about sex than he does. He hates that you can’t love him the same way, but as time goes on (and several breakups later) he finally gets it through his thick head that he loves you no matter what. So, clumsily, begrudgingly, he starts to learn what you really want and need. Having things different than it was with anyone before makes him slow down and appreciate other things about you, about spending time with you. Finally he settles into your lines, and his softer side can come out more. Not that that’s the only thing that drew you to him, of course. As he falls deeper and harder than ever before, he realises that you’re perfect just the way you are.

Lute -

Is she the type to be annoyed at first? Sure there are other ways to let off steam than sex, but having it not be an option with you initially makes her want to avoid you. But she keeps coming back. Shit. She’s not exactly romantic, so it’s fine if you aren’t either. As she falls harder and harder, it bothers her that she can’t show you. Until you finally talk about it and she’s shown all the other ways you want to be loved. Suddenly it’s not so hard, and the distance between you is closed at last. Protecting you and keeping you with her are all that matter anymore. Even heaven would suck without you.

Emily -

Her job is literally ensuring the joy of souls, so of course she’s learned all about aro and ace people and how to fulfill their needs. So she’s unfazed when you tell her, overwhelming you with questions about what you like, how to make you happy. Acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, is touch okay??? She loves you, and all she needs for heaven to fulfil the measure of its creation is to see your smile. Of course she wants to be as close to you as you’ll let her be. She’ll show you all over heaven, take you to all the best places in creation. Packed snacks in your bag, mending your clothes. Ask her to hold your hand and her wings flutter adorably.

Sera -

Now catching her attention may well be the most difficult of all. But your soul is so radiant, so captivating, it doesn’t matter what your preferences and needs are, she will move heaven and earth to have you beside her. An angel in need of a promotion? Done. A human soul that earned their wings? No problem. Even if you were a demon, she would find a way to twist your horns into a halo. Her low energy nature makes her a good match for someone with lesser passions. All she wants is you, just as you are.

Lilith -

She is a woman of fierce desire for freedom, to make her own choices - and when she meets you, she knows that you will be the one she chooses. Even if she wants to resist at first, she can’t help but want you. And what she wants, she gets. When she learns that you’re aro/ace, she’s honestly relived. Maybe things will be a little less complicated. She knows she can keep you with her no matter what you can or can’t feel, and as for touch, she’s fine with whatever you want. She’s a big girl, worst comes to worst she can take care of herself. Her only worry is making sure you’re happy and safe, because she has no tolerance for losing what she needs.

Zestial -

This demon is ancient, and while he finds a great many passions in life, having a partner like you is more welcome. Not having to worry about meeting your expectations in bed is a relief. Not that he wouldn’t give his best if you needed such attention, but he was never much preoccupied with such pastimes. His love is quiet but intense, his influence visible in every part of your life. From his protection, using his power as leverage to get you whatever you want, clearing out restaurants so you can have a private experience. As gentle as he is dangerous, he wants nothing more than to keep you safe and as close to him as you can bear to be.

Carmilla -

She is a busy woman, powerful and confident. Nothing fazes her. She knew you were aro/ace spec from the first moment she laid eyes on you. But what she didn’t expect was how important you would become to her. As soon as Odette and Clara start teasing her about it, she knew something has started that she couldn’t stop if she wanted to - for the precise reason that she doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter to her if you don’t want to be touched, or only sometimes. She can see that your love for her is real, no matter what emotions may or may not be present. Love is choice, after all. And she will choose you every day for the rest of eternity.

Here’s the full flag if you want it 🩶

[theconqueringchicken]

The Stress of Accessing Gender Care

It took me years to decided to have any type of gender care and the process of accessing it is really stressing me out.

I met with my provider in summer after waiting about a year and a half to establish care. I told myself I was going to treat my PCOS and get on birth control or other hormones like I was supposed to but the words stuck in my throat. I told her I couldn't do it, that getting care to be more properly a woman felt like going in the wrong direction, and I wanted to try testosterone therapy.

She was very supportive and so said we should schedule a longer appointment to talk more about that. I was expressionless, tense, and closed off throughout. I wasn't ready to talk about the what I want. I have been holding it in since I was a teenager hoping the desires I have would go away.

No one wants to hear about it. It's not even something I can talk to my trans relatives about. One told me to come back and talk when I knew what I was and what my pronouns were and not before. Another told me that I just needed to learn to be a woman properly and my problem was lack of guidance and community. Step by step aigot pushed back into the closet.

My therapist's first reaction was "There's a lot of ways of being a woman. Maybe you just need to find the right one." Basically asking if I've tried not being trans. Oh yes, I have, for 15 years. Subsequent conversations were just as unproductive.

At my next doctor's appointment we talked briefly about health risks and why I wanted to try HRT. Never mind I'm already facing those risks from PCOS. My body is already making enough T to give me extra body hair and stop my periods for six months at a stretch.

I didn't know how to articulate why I wanted HRR. I've never talked about it and I feel so numb from depression and am so used to repressing these feelings they just slip through my fingers.

I only know that they are there. A pang of jealousy when I meet a trans man, a stab of shame when I don't meet a standard that was never meant to apply to me. A burst of pride when I push my body. The secret, desperate joy when I started growing chest hair and facial hair. The deep wrongness of being too feminine or completely masculine.

I can clumsily say what I feel but I do not know why I feel it.

I told her I was never normal, being a girl never fit, and if someone had offered me HRT when I was a 14 I would have taken it without a second thought.

She listened though I knew she didn't understand at all and I thankex her though I knew it wasn't what she was looking for. I was no less closed off to her and to myself.

Heading home I finally let myself feel happy. It was such a a fragile feeling, like a soap bubble floating along beside me, and if I looked at it too hard it might burst and all my fears would come crashing down on me again. Letting myself believe that HRT was a possibility for me felt like asking for disappointment or humiliation but I let myself have that hope,to pretend to believe in it just for a little while.

Then the gender limbo began. I was supposed to have an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist but no one ever called me back. I felt this spark of panic and paranoia. Was someone trying to hook up my care? Like the person at the front desk who angrily snatched my ID out of my hand when I used my chosen name and not my given name?

After two weeks I called to ask what was going on. That day the entire phone system at the clinic went down so I got up and I went in person and was assured they would get back to me asap. They did not so I called them.

I asked about the scheduling and they told me it was being held up because they didn't have my new insurance information. Then, after another week it was being held up because they needed to do "information gathering". They did not specify what information they were gathering or why it took more than three weeks.

The next week I got another call telling me that they still had not scheduled anything and had no idea when they would be able to fit me in. So I made an appointment with a different provider and started the whole thing over again.

I had so much anxiety about keeping that appointment. I could feelyself panicking as I headed out the door and then when I reached the clinic I felt excited and relieved and so so glad I came. Then I was told my appointment was at another clinic. There was no time to get there on the bus so I just had to go home.

I told the receptionist that it was okay, that's just the way it goes sometimes, and then I went to the restroom and cried quietly on the floor for a few minutes. I kept myself together as I left and walked past the weirdos prowling around the clinic. Then I made the call and told scheduling I couldn't make my appointment and they told me that there never was an appointment and I started crying all over again.

I cried half the way home, then got junk food and a face mask, and made up my mind to fill my day with chores and crafts and go out later so I wouldn't be stuck at home. Yes, I am aware, getting the address wrong was my fault. That really doesn't make me less miserable.

This whole process has been so exhausting I don't know how anyone even does it. I don't know how people in the UK deal with all the wait times and all the nonsense.

I don't know how folks in the US copewith finally getting that prescription and then finding out that a pharmacist can just refuse to fill it because they hate transgender people.

I don't think what I've been dealing with personally is bias, it's just that healthcare is a shambles and has been for years. It's so stressful and it must be for everyone. I hope your journies are going better than mine.

[groven4]

Markiplier Egos with an Aromantic DA / Viewer

a/n: I randomly decided I really wanna get something out for aro week, so I've got a oneshot mayhaps involving a certain adventurer in the works, but knowing me that might take a while (if I even finish it all) and these tend to be easier for me. So, that's why this exists...not that you asked.

(edit: made one for Ace hcs.)

WILFORD WARFSTACHE

He wouldn't really care, but in like a supportive way.

He may not look like it, but the guy's got some common sense.

I can't see him as the type to ask a lot of questions especially if you're visibly uncomfortable around the topic. (tho ig he might if it's for an interview, not sure)

A big part of Wil's character is just accepting shit as it is and not questioning what you can't understand because falling down that spiral is ultimately unhealthy; so if you were to come out to him as any sexuality/gender identity, he'd most likely just accept you immediately and move one.

Expect to receive a lot of aro themed stickers on pride month though.

DARKIPLIER

Also doesn't care, but it's less him being supportive (tho he is) and more: it doesn't affect him, so why should he care?

Like you do you. Your love life is none of his business.

Quite frankly, he couldn't give a shit.

Though, he might find some relatability with you.

Despite how one might interpret ADWM, I cannot see Dark as an entity with the capability to feel much of anything. (other than rage, vengefulness, etc.)

There are some vague memories of past feelings from both Celine and Damien (and possibly the house entity, idk) mostly shown through his clear favoritism for Wil.

However, I don't think he really can feel romantic feelings, nor does he want to.

Being loved sounds nice, but ultimately it would just get in the way.

So having someone around that's kind of like him in that regard is almost nice...cathartic even.

You both like to watch 'marriage gameshows' (the bachelor, love is blind, etc.) over wine and laugh about how you'll never have to deal with relationship problems. (idc if that one's ooc)

GOOGLEPLIER

He can't really feel romantic attraction himself, yk being a robot and all.

If you tried explaining aromanticism to him he'd probably just be like: "Yeah, and??".

He's supportive in a sense, that sense being: you not having a partner would mean one less meat sack he has to deal with once he manages to get admin privileges.

BINGIPLIER

Kinda stumped on this one ngl.

I just can't find a reason why he'd care whatsoever.

He'd just be like: "Oh...siiiick, brah." with total Bill and Ted energy.

ACTOR

(edit: this is pre-wkm btw. idk why I did that, it doesn't really fit with the others that way. so I probably won't do it again in future hcs. sorry ig.)

I imagine it comes up at a party.

He starts asking you about your love life.

You tell him that you've never really been interested in that kind of stuff, and you probably never will.

What does he do?

...

He calls you boring.

...

AND THEN JUST FUCKIN' WALKS AWAY- like- ????

In all seriousness, he's mostly chill about it throughout your friendship, but it's hard for me not to picture him as the type to think you're just being naive and that 'everyone has to find someone someday'. (I believe WKM takes place in the 1920s, so like, what were you expecting?)

That is until Celine cheats on him.

It was just such a world shattering thing for him, he genuinely loved her more than anything.

It's not a complete 180°, he doesn't suddenly understand your lack of attraction from this, but one night you check in with him to find him wasted in his wine cellar and he's basically like: "You had it right all along, my friend. Love...Love is not for everyone. ...Certainly not the faint of heart."

Which like, you didn't choose this, but you were more focused on making sure he was okay at the time to care.

YANCY

A part of me wants to think he'd be a little confused at first just cause the idea of having to explain aromanticism and/or asexuality to him because he's just genuinely curious is really adorable to me.

However, the rest of me refuses to believe his friend group isn't entirely comprised of both people in the lgbtq+ community and hardcore allies who would happily beat the shit out of aphobes on a daily basis.

Not to say that they think of you as child-like because of your sexuality, but it's a prison family and you're 'fresh meat' so you're their little aro-bean now whether you like it or not.

Yancy especially is protective of you in an almost older brother type way.

So if after/during coming out to them (or just him) you mention how scared you were/are because you've had a lot of bad experiences or something, he's like constantly ready to sucker punch and/or ballerina kick anyone giving you flack over just being who you are.

He's always willing to tell you how valid you are when you need to hear it, and overall is just a really great friend.

...Even with the stabbing.

ILLINOIS

In an odd way, he almost feels...relieved?

Call it a humble brag, but literally all of his past work partners had fallen in love with him at some point, and while the attention certainly feeds his ego, that kinda thing just gets tired and even annoying after a while.

So knowing that'll never happen with you is actually a nice break from what he's grown so used to.

He's never had someone around who genuinely enjoys adventuring as much as he does.

And who isn't like constantly ogling him. (I mean probably anyway, idk what it's like to be aroallo)

Having you around may also cause him to start questioning some things about himself, particularly when you're explaining your orientation.

But that's a topic we'll be getting into at another time! (*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* *stares at empty draft*)

He's still used to trying to fluster people cause he finds it funny and in general is just the kind of person to be a bit touchy with his friends (meaning: platonic hand holding, hugs, head/back pats, standing weirdly close a lot of the time just naturally, etc.), so if you're ever uncomfortable just tell him and he'll cut it out straight away.

You're both just kinda really good friends, and he's not at all weird about it like you thought he might be.

CAPTAIN MAGNUM

Supportive Pirate Dad! 10/10!

You definitely have to explain what it means to him, but he verbally accepted you before he even asked.

Kinda like: "That's great!...What is it?-"

Would have the crew sew you a flag if it would make you happy.

They are still pirates who have been sailing across the deep blue their whole lives with presumably no contact with the mainland however.

So unless you for some fuckin reason told them what it looks like, you can expect to receive a relatively small, plain black flag with the word 'Arrowmantik.' spelled incorrectly and somehow sewn on in perfect white Helvetica.

...

You hung the flag right above your hammock.

It is your most prized possession.

HEAD ENGINEER

Might be a little discouraged at first. His crush on you was a tad obvious.

But he figures it's for the best. You are the captain after all. Pursuing that relationship wouldn't have been professional in the slightest.

It does take a bit but he gets over it eventually.

He still genuinely loves you platonically/as a person, so things don't really change all that much.

You still have a strong friendship and work really well together.

He tends to go a bit overboard now about giving you personal space cause he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. So you may have to reassure him multiple times if it wasn't an issue.

During when pride month would be on earth he might gift you little aro themed stuff, like a patch you can't actually add to your uniform for work reasons but love and appreciate anyway.

He may not fully understand how you feel, but he never stops trying to, and either way he's always gonna support you no matter what.

Your orientation could never change how much he loves and trusts you both as a captain and as his friend.

MURDOCK

He doesn't really care since it doesn't affect what you guys do, though he is openly accepting, especially if it seemed like you needed to hear that it wasn't something that bothered him.

In a similar vein to Illinois, he's strangely grateful.

He's not sure how he would've dealt with the situation had you developed a crush on him. Such emotions tend to get in the way more often than not in his line of work.

He didn't wanna have to kill you just to make his life easier. Taking a life out of necessity isn't as much fun, plus he'd grown a tad fond of you.

I like to think he cares quite a bit about your mental health, it would make sense given the whole murder thing.

So if you often go through periods of doubt or even internalized self hatred regarding being aromantic, he's gonna be there to help you through it.

He goes with you to pride parades and if anyone tries to tell you that you don't belong there, they're immediately getting put on a black list.

He got you a nifty little keychain once while you were there.

Overall, surprisingly wholesome.

a/n: I went back and forth on whether or not I was gonna use the pronouns I hc them all as using, but in the end I just said 'fuck it, appeal to general audiences, why not at this point'. I'm really fuckin' tired, dude. Just- HAPPY ARO WEEK! ig.

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

transmasc ask anon!! masculine terms and help with gender affirmation :'))

Thank you for your patience for waiting, Anon! I hope you enjoy this!

and BIG Thank you to my proof reader for helping me with this!! <3 <3

Papas helping their Transmasc Partner with Period pains

Note: I know this is a rather personal subject for each individual, so I tried to keep every response varied from Papa to Papa. I know not everyone shares the same type of preferences, and what works for one person might not work for the other. Please enjoy as I tried to keep it different to suit a few different scenarios and situations! As always, feedback is always super appreciated! :) 

Also trigger warning for references to gender dysphoria and general period talk! 

Papa Nihil: One would describe Nihil as a partner as well meaning but sometimes rather daft. Typically not out of maliciousness, but usually from his own lack of understanding. But what Nihil does know is that he cares about you and hates seeing you not feeling well. Especially this time of the month when it can be the worst physically and emotionally. One day he casually just asks why don’t you just stop your period. If you hate experiencing it and hate the way it makes you feel less masculine… why not stop it? You, understandably, stare at him for the over simplified suggestion. The only thing preventing you from being upset was the sheer genuineness of the question. But before you answer Nihil continues on about how several members of the high ministry use the Clergy’s stupidly good medical coverage to help. “Do you know how many men here stopped their periods? Why not you too, Caro? We use MY doctors!” This is how you found yourself sitting with one of the premiere doctors employed by the ministry to talk about all of your hormone and physical options. Nihil is there with you excited that you were getting steps to transitio

Papa I: If anyone in the ministry is equipped to help you, outside of healer ghouls, it’s definitely Papa. Forget the pills you were going to take, the man has an entire APOTHECARY in your kitchen! Papa is more prepared for your symptoms than YOU are sometimes. He’s the first one by your side with a homemade brew and herbal paste. Anything to kill the pain before it starts. Something you noticed, too, is that during these times Papa tries to be very keen on your mood. He knows sometimes this time of the month just has you very down on yourself. Papa recognizes there is only so much he can do and say as a supportive partner. So there is no shame in asking someone else with more experience to help. Papa one day asks if you’d like to talk to someone who has gone through the same thing you are going through right now. When you say yes you are surprised to find yourself in the office of Papa IV! Who happily is there for any advice or just venting about your shared experiences. You end up making a good friend out of Papa IV, while still being pampered by your attentive partner!   

Papa II: Papa would never admit he’s always ill equipped to help you when you’re sick or in pain. He loves you dearly, but his first instinct is to bark at the medical staff to assist. It’s his way of caring. However, he does know one thing about that type of cramping; and that it can be helped with EXERCISE! And unfortunately for you, he LOVES exercise. Imagine your surprise when you waddled out of bed exhausted and grumpy to find a brand new jogging suit and sneakers laid out for you… you didn’t even know Versace MADE work out gear. “Caro, we are going to the gym.” You stared at him at first in disbelief. You felt like shit and he wanted to WORK OUT? But you had to give in when he insisted and the light exercise made you feel much better! It started with walks, light aerobics, and even Yoga (which Papa was rubbish at but INSISTED on joining you in). At first, this was just a monthly routine that REALLY helped cut down the pain… but you both found yourselves doing more and more. Not just during your times you were in pain, but just going when you both felt like it! Suddenly you were a master at easing your cramps and even started feeling more confident in the way you moved in general! The next thing you know you’re Papa’s favorite boxing buddy and you both couldn’t be happier! 

Papa III: Papa always knows when you’re dealing with cramps. He’s a firm believer that laughter and love are the best medicines! You know the same joke is coming whenever he comes home and sees you on the first day of your cycle. Papa always looks at your slumped form on the couch and yells the same thing he always does. “CARO MIO! MY LOVE! What’s wrong with your handsome face?? Did you hurt yourself falling for me again??” It never gets old! From the beginning, Papa has always been attuned to your needs. His primary focus was always finding ways to make you more comfortable and getting you out of pain. Papa looks for ways to make your cycle a little more bearable and light hearted. No one wants to be in pain for a week! You’ve come to find he likes to bring humor to the situation to help you both be less irritable and know that you are in a safe and comfortable place. He’s happy to get you some pain killers and joke about how the best medicine is cuddling him- charming eyebrow wiggles and all. Papa always feels powerless any time you are hurt or sick, so to him laughter and smiles are the best medicine. That, and sometimes matters don’t always HAVE to be serious. You’ve appreciated that as sometimes you just don’t want things to be a big fucking deal.   

Papa IV/Cardinal Copia: If anyone has your back about this, it’s your loveable dork Copia. Because he had been dealing with those same problems FOR DECADES! Granted, he hasn’t had one for a while but he sure as Hell can help! Copia knows all the tricks from before his cycles stopped, and has been a bottomless well of knowledge and support for you! Most of his knowledge has helped you find the right products to get through your cycle without too much mental stress. Before dating him, you didn’t even KNOW you could use a packer to hide a pad! Copia hooks you up with everything you need! Whether it’s advice on keeping your chest comfortable during peak tenderness, the best comfy clothes so you can keep working, or just the best over the counter remedies for pain. He’s your guide and helper through it all! You’re delighted to know everything he recommends works! What’s even better? He’s always there to be as loving or to give you as much space as you need. Copia will even insist that the best cure for pain and hormones is PASTA! Will make you so much! 

[gladiolidiaries]

sorry i know that discussion must be annoying since it appears all the time but i kinda needed to 'rant' a little. because i actually recently lost my hyperfix because of the lack of content so i was finally able to take a really big step back while still learning about recent things that happened etc and i just realized that i don't understand why most people don't think dnf are dating?

like, ive been in the fandom since 2019 so i know all about the dnf history but i couldn't come up with even one good reason that could explain why most think they aren't dating. and i really insist on GOOD reason because at most i saw people say that they're not dating because dnf is a joke but like. dnf was a joke in 2019 & 2020 and maybe a little part of 2021, that's it. it hasn't really been a joke in 2/3 years

i even tried to compare them to others and lbr if people of opposite genders did kissgate, bedgate, the chain, etc, everyone would say they're dating. and dnf are queer guys so being of the same gender shouldn't change anything but it apparently does

i'm just. idk i had that thought earlier and i'm just still surprised that i really couldn't find a good reason sorry 😭 i don't even know if i'm making sense i'm like

flabbergasted (first time i ever use that word)

i doubted their relationship way more when i actually had an hyperfix but now? now i don't anymore and yet i still have the same infos about them you guys all have here, feels weird tbh (but also i'm finally free)

honestly idk. its funny cause as i said i was into dan and phil years ago and while i was in the fandom i really always had doubts about whether they were together or not, and thats despite an actual leaked video of phil saying he's in love with dan 😭 i was still a doubter just to protect myself i guess. but then when i lost interest i was like wait wtf obviously they're together 😭

maybe it's similar for dnf. as you guys know i'm more of a fwb truther cause it's less painful if it turns out that i was a clown. but january really made me think that there's more going on but i flip flop a lot

[anukulee]

My Home

A/N: I got inspired by both Stay With Me by Sam Smith by Sam Smith and Home by Phillip Phillips for this one so feel free to listen to them while reading this. I also know there is a lot of introduction at the start of this but bear with me. I promise it is all-important for the story. So with that in mind strap in because this won't be a short ride. 

Over his thousand years of living as a god, Loki Odinson became well-known for a lot of things. As the idea of him being a god is only one of his qualities and is one that only scratches who he is. For Loki, Odinson is far more than just the god of mischief, something that is only observed by a select few but is a thing that Loki makes no effort to hide. 

For example, Loki is the only known member of the royal family, who has come out as liking both genders, while in the past there were rumors about the royals of Asgard, but none of them held enough facts to know for certain. Loki's taste for both genders has always been clear, as when he isn't with his closest female friend, he can be seen with both maidens and bachelors, whether that be him pulling them into a more secure and private place or out in the open. While some of these activities are regarded as mere flirtations others are far less innocent. As soon tales of him warming the beds of anyone no matter their rank or status began to spread around the nine realms and even to Midgard.

Yet in each one of these tales, there were always two things in common. The first being one Loki's clear show of consent, no matter who it is, everyone who has ever had the pleasure to warm the second prince's bed or whose bed has been warmed by him. No matter how kinky the activity was, Loki always ensured that he had the other parties' full consent to do so. This idea even extended to other aspects such as if either party was intoxicated enough not to give full consent Loki would stay away until both parties were clear-minded. Something that can't be said about past royal family members or even other rulers.

The second thing that those who accompanied Loki to a more private setting for more private things is his skill in the bedroom. No matter who warmed his bed, they never had anything but nice things to say about Loki's skills, as he more often found himself either at the top or near the top of most eligible men or at times women despite Loki's reputation as god/goddess of mischief. More often than not Loki could be found in his male form, though there were times even he got bored and she desired to experiment to find ways to bring her partner even more pleasure during their night together.

 Loki's idea was that pleasure should be felt by both parties and not just him. Even those who weren't Loki's biggest fans couldn't say anything about his lack of bedroom manner or consent, something that some parties couldn't understand as they would do anything to ensure someone warms their bed. So despite Sif distaste and grudge toward the young prince, even she couldn't discount his treatment of her, in their night of passion. Something that she didn't particularly like to remember, this remained mostly unspoken for fear of Sif and known by few. While knowing this might sound good for all parties involved, there was one party in particular who was always unintentionally harmed by this, that party being Loki's best friend Hilda goddess of conflict, order, and at times wisdom. 

While Loki was known for his history of partners, Hilda wasn't as known. While she was made the goddess of conflict given her tendency to be the one who would settle disagreements that Loki's mischief would cause, she couldn't seem to attend to that idea in her own life. As her ever-growing only continued to grow despite her need to push it down. As her feelings for her best friend Loki only seemed to grow with each century that passed, as he was her only idea of home. Yet in truth a home she could never have. She tried everything to try and stop her heart from fluttering at the very sight of him. From reminding herself why it wouldn't be possible to even hear Sif rant about Loki, by stopping her before she got too far. Yet despite this, her feelings for Loki never changed, as Hilda found herself wishing more and more for it all to just stop. None of it was helped by the ever-growing number of Loki's partners, at least that was until it stopped...

Loki's lack of partners didn't stop all at once but slowly began to slow down. From him taking more partners in a year than one could imagine, to only being monthly, then yearly, then maybe a few times a century. Something that didn't go unnoticed by Hilda or by the other members. As talks began to speculate about why the kingdom's most well-known advocate for sex was slowing down. Some said it was because he was growing tired and seeking new adventures, others said he was either losing his touch or he was finally being made to settle down, though fewer said perhaps he had finally found someone who surpassed his need to have sex. They would late be proven correct by their assumption as everything lead back to Hilda, something she choose not to see, for fear of rejection, at least until everything changed.

It had been yet another royal event held for who knows why, yet something nobody particularly questioned. For as long as there was mead, good drinks, and an excuse to party with even better company nobody particularly questioned the notion. By this time, the fact that Loki hadn't taken a partner in quite some time was still talked about through quieter for fear of what the god might do if he found out. While one might think they could avoid these rumors, Hilda seemed to be unable to. As with almost every event she once more found herself alone, as no warrior seemed to want to take an interest in her. As while everyone else around her was pairing up, Hilda was alone. As she watched even Sif found herself in the company of one of the better gentlemen in Asgard. Upon seeing this Hilda let a single sigh escape her lips. A sigh that didn't go unheard by Loki. "Now why may I ask if someone such as you standing alone on a night such as this," he asked.

A single eye roll crossed Hilda's eyes at the sudden appearance of Loki. Her heart still fluttered as it always seemed to do around him. "Ever the drama king aren't you?"

 "Trying to change the subject aren't we darling?" This wasn't the first time that the affectionate pet name had slipped from Loki's lips, but was something Hilda chopped up to being his usual flirting nature. Rather then it is because he wished to call her that. A fact she often would remind herself of including in her responses. 

"Perhaps what does it matter to you?”

 "What can I not care about how my best friend is doing?"

 "No, but I wouldn't expect someone such as you to be alone on a night such as this."

 "Someone such as me?"

"Loki you do know, I am not blind nor am I dumb."

 "I never said you were."

"This party is usually your bread and butter."

 "Oh, and why is that?"

 "We have decent music, good food, and one might think even better company." Hilda allowed her gaze to go to certain men and maidens though not her type personally, were ones she assumed were Loki's. 

 "And who to say that your company isn't better than those here?"

 "Look around Loki, almost everyone is pairing off, even Sif and she has a distaste for such events."

 "Perhaps I would rather spend the time with you, than those around us."

 "Why?"

 "Why not?" Upon hearing those words slip from Loki's mouth, Hilda felt her heart spread up again almost as if it was gaining hope. A hope that needed to be crushed. As Hilda's next words would do just that.

 "Come on there is no need to pity me."

 "Who says I pity you?"

 "Loki, I have yet to see you in the company of some maiden or non-maiden in some time."

 "And that matters why?" A general look of confusion crossed Loki's features something that should've struck Hilda as odd even for him. Yet she was far too busy trying to crush her hope to even notice.

 "Because you are you and I am me."

 "And there is a difference?"

 "Yes."

 "And what pray tell is that?"

 "Do I honestly need to say it?"

 "Perhaps you do because you are confusing me, darling. Something I rarely am, being who I am." A mischievous smile crossed his face for a single second, something that Hilda loved despite others' distaste for it. 

"Loki you are someone people usually want to be in the company of." 

 "Not according to Sif," Loki teased referring to Sif's preference to not wanting to be in Loki's company unless needed.

 "Sif is just bitter, that Thor doesn't desire her, and that you usually get the one up on her."

 "Through she didn't seem to mind that one time if you know what I mean." Loki allowed his eyebrows to wiggle suggestively, as a small laugh couldn't help but escape from Hilda's lips. The remainder of Loki and Sif's past only served to remind Hilda why she didn't allow her feelings to slip. Although ever since Loki's partners began to die down he became even more flirting with Hilda. As the pet names and affectionate tone seemed to flow from his lips more and more often. Yet rather than rejoice as one might expect Hilda chooses to ignore for fear if she gave in she would just be another body to warm his bed just like all the rest. As she let herself slip further and further into denial as she continued to ignore even when it came especially when it came to those events in particular. Despite the number of pet names that would slip as it had done earlier, Hilda continued to ignore them as she continued per usual. As she let the next words fall from her lips as if she didn't care and her heart didn't break each time she was reminded of Loki's past.

 "Yes, but didn't you end up cutting some of her hair off afterwards."

 "It was all done in good fun," Loki exclaimed with a shrug. 

 "Yes, but if I recall correctly and I usually do. Didn't she knee you after that particular accident?"

 "Yes, she did and afterward I bathed, and took comfort in you."

 "Yes, I know I had to tend to you."

 "Yes, you did." Another wiggle of Loki's eyebrows escapes alongside another mischievous smile. 

 "You act as if we did anything."

 "Didn't we?"

 "You and I both know all we did was talk and sip some wine."

"Yes, I know."

  "And if I recall didn't you get her back for that particular accident later?"

 "Remind me how I did that again because I seem to have forgotten."

 "As if."

 "Come on please for me," Loki asked switching on what midgardians would call a puppy dog face. Something that never failed to work on Hilda.

 "Fine if I recall to make up for it you accidentally claimed you could only replace her hair with a heavy wig made like gold. A wig that she hated."

 "I did."

 "Through didn't both Thor and I get onto about that one."

 "Yes, you and my brother teamed up on poor me and made me give her real hair once more."

 "As if you weren't going to do it."

 "Yes, but maybe I wanted to leave her in the search for a little while longer."

 "And risk her wrath again?"

 "Perhaps I like it that way." Loki let out another wiggle of his eyebrows, which resulted in a soft hit to his chest.

"Seriously must you?"

 "Always especially with you, love." Rather than let out another smirk, Loki's eyes were filled with something else almost as if they were affection. Yet with that, something seemed to tick something in Hilda not helped by the affectionate name.

 "Why must you?"

 "Why must I what?"

 "Do this."

 "Do what?"

 "Call me those names? You do know I am not one of your maidens, princes, or others."

 "Yes, I am quite aware of that fact."

 "Then why do you do this? Surely you see how it makes me feel." 

 "Feel?"

 "Yes feel. You are the god of lies surely you can see through mine."

 "Lies why have you not been telling me."

 "Wouldn't you like to know because clearly, you don't see them?"

 "See what?" As Loki's voice got a little bit higher upon saying this.

 "That I am in love with you and have been for centuries," Hilda blurted, without thinking. Yet upon hearing herself say those words, Hilda knew one thing and one thing alone she needed to run. Far away perhaps she could get Heimdell to let her go elsewhere and come back for her things when she knew nobody would be there. Hilda always planning for the worst at least that was until when she started to run Loki grabbed her hand. "Please don't do this." A look of desperation crossed her face though nobody aside from Loki seemed to pay any mind. Almost as if there was an illusion cast to hide them.

"Do what?"

 "Make me stay and act as if you feel the same."

 "And what if I do?"

 "Please Loki we both know that you don't."

 "And why is that?"

 "I don't know maybe with the number of partners you have in the past. Not that I am shaming you, you should be able to share your bed with whomever you choose."

 "And what if I want that person to be you?”

 "Loki please don't."

 "Don't what?"

 "Act as if you care."

 "But I do."

 "No, you don't."

 "Yes, I do especially with you."

 "Then why do this?"

 "Do what?"

 "Allow me to watch as everyone, but I am allowed to warm your bed? And don't you dare claim it was a distraction."

 "I wasn't going to, because at the time they weren't."

"What do you mean?"

 "I know this may sound douche, but bear with me please."

 "And why should I?"

 "If you still don't like what I have to say then you can leave and I won't stop you."

 "You wouldn't fight me for me?"

 "Not if you don't want me to."

 "Fine, but I swear if you try anything you will regret it."

 "I don't doubt that my love. Now may I continue?"

 "Fine."

 "As I was saying they weren't distractions whatsoever. Through as time went on I started to feel as if they were all missing something. A certain quality to them that I desired."

 "And what was that?"

 "The feeling of home."

 "Oh."

 "No matter how much I bickered with some none of them felt quite as home as with you. At first, I thought it was because we've known each other for centuries. Yet as time passed, I found myself noticing more and more things about you."

 "Such as?"

 "How your lips press when you are concentrating, the way your fingers slowly trap around when you are trying to think of something, the way your eyes light up whenever you are particularly excited, the way you can be so focused that you ignore everything around you, the way our bickering is so easy yet so fulfilling, or maybe the way no matter who I am with even with mother, I always want to come home to you."

 "And that changed everything?"

 "It did because as soon as I realized what I was feeling wasn't just friendship. I stopped any flings, I didn't want to use them as an excuse to sleep with whomever as means of a distraction. I let loose the pet names hoping you would pick them up. Yet it seems it didn't pan out quite as I hoped."

 "You think?" A look of seriously crossed Hilda's face, as Loki let out a small chuckle as he allowed his fingers to rub against Hilda's hands which he had taken into his own. 

"I know, the question is do you still want to leave?"

As much as Hilda wanted to say yes. Another question seemed to cross Hilda's mind something she hadn't remembered until just now. Something that needed to be expressed especially if they were going to be able to move forward. As she let something slip out of her mouth.  "I honestly don't know Loki."

 "And why is that my dear?"

 "Because though I love you I don't want to stop you from being who you are."

 "And why would you do that?"

 "Loki you switch genders at times. And as much as I am attracted to you as a male, I am not sure if I am towards females. Not that I have anything against your gender change. I just don't want to hurt you or us because of my lack of interest in the same sex. Nor do I want to conform you to one gender because I prefer men."

 "I see."

 "I didn't think of it because honestly, I didn't think this would ever happen so it didn't cross my mind."

"We could always wait to come to that bridge when we cross it."

"While that sounds appealing we can't. Because it may be tomorrow or it could be centuries. I don't know and I don't want to hurt you because I don't know."

 "We could always try and see how it goes."

 "Could we?"

 "I mean you rarely see me as a woman and I can be quite charming as you know."

 "I know, but are you sure I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to."

 "You wouldn't as you said I may feel like a woman soon or maybe it could be centuries. If you were willing to just try I would be up for it."

 "And if I am not?"

 "We can cross that bridge later."

 "But we can't."

 "Can't we?"

 "I don't know?"

 "You do know no matter what gender I am. I am still your Loki whether that be male or female. Only my looks and voice change but I don't nor does my love for you change."

"I know, but I don't want to force you Loki."

 "You won't again, we don't know what I will feel like experimenting or if I will anytime soon. Or how you will feel because this is new to both of us. So why don't we wait and see what comes."

 "And then what happens?"

 "We can deal with it later just please let us have a chance. Don't give up on us before we've even tried."

 "Are you sure about this because say the word and..."

 At this Loki leaned in closer to Hilda. "And nothing the future can wait. Can it not?"

 "Are you sure?"

 "As long as I am with you it doesn't matter besides who knows what can happen especially with me?" Another wiggle escaped Loki's eyebrows.

 "Cocky as ever."

 "Would you have me any other way?"

 "Sadly no."

 "Now will you allow me to make up for a lost time?"

 "Perhaps." At this Hilda allowed her eyebrows to wiggle as Loki let out his own smile as he pulled her in for a kiss. Once Loki's spell over them was lifted the two would spend the night making up for much of their lost time in both words of affection and other activities through not without protection. As finally, the two had found their way home, unknownst of the future regarding Loki as long as they had each other they could get through it. As to the two of them, they were each other home. 

A/N: Loki's fluidness for gender is known, as he has both male and female forms. Not everyone is attracted to females even if it is Loki. I am one of those people. I will not shame anyone who is attracted to both sides. Through I thought it would be something of importance to discuss in Loki's relationship. In this case, Hilda isn't one to shame Loki because of what he or at times she feels like. But she isn't sure what she will feel if Loki changes gender nor does she want to force Loki to be a gender they aren't feeling. It's why I left that, particularly thing open because we don't know what Loki feels like being. I would like to imagine that Hilda would feel love for Loki no matter what gender they are. Though it might take some time to adjust, or maybe it won't again I don't know because Loki's gender could change in a snap of our fingers. So yeah that's why the end turned out the way it was. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed it and I will see you all next time. 

[genderthaumiel]

any genders related to being neurodivergent?

theres actually quite a lot! most are specific to certain neurotypes (like adhd genders or anxiety genders etc) but ive gathered a few of the more general ones. if youd like something more specific feel free to send another ask ! 

the general term for genders related to/influenced by being neurodivergent is Neurogender [flag link] , and user @neurogender has an extensive collection that’s organized quite well imo [post link] 

other than that, here’s some more general neurogenders for ya:

Fractalgender: A gender where one’s gender consists of many different patterns, components, or other genders; and its inner complexities can only be understood within the context of being neurodivergent [coining post]

Rouene/Rouegender: when you have multiple genders due to being neurodivergent. [coining post] 

Gendervague: a gender that is not definable with words because of one’s status as neurodivergent [archive link]

Ailgender: when your perception of gender is hard to understand due to mental illnesses and/or disorders, but you are unable to get a proper diagnosis so you can’t use specific terms [coining post]

404gender: when gender can’t be described or located due to neurodivergence [coining post]

Nesciogender: a gender one is not completely sure of due to one’s neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be [coining post]

Mistgender: a gender that feels transparent, and hard to grasp like mist. You know what it is but it’s just barely there, out of your grasp because of trauma, neurodivergency, and/or mental illness. [coining post] 

i hope this helps ! ^.^

[writingforatwistedworld]

Okay fun idea

A player that was a huge whale and basically auto proclaimed themselves the sugar mommy/daddy of the yandere self aware characters is dramatically crushed now that they are in the game cuz now they're poor and can't spoil their favorites.

I don't really care for what characters so if you feel comfortable I would like if it's you that chose the characters but if it's against the rule then I will propose Ruggie/Malleus/Leona

Those three just look like they would have interesting reaction

Yeah sure. The only thing I will change is that I won't call them a sugar mommy or daddy since a) keeping it gender neutral is rather hard this way and b) this isn't a post meant to be NSFW. (Not to mention that I don't know your age)

Self-aware au

I do not take any responsibility for you reading this no matter which age group you are from!

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, possessive behaviour, money

Ruggie/Leona/Malleus-Having a whale who can't continue spending money

He is amazed by how much work you put into him

He is just a lackey for Leona so to be in the spotlight for once is also something special

After a while he noticed that you didn't get so much stuff for him anymore

Did he do something wrong?

Was he losing your favor??!

Then he heard you saying to yourself that you didn't have enough money for this

So you are also in a situation where you need money...

The moment he hears this the hyena is instantly calm once more

He understands the need for money and not being able to spend it on things you want

In fact, he tries to encourage you in subtle ways to keep your money instead of spending it on him

“Money is really something I need for my family but sometimes I just can't give it to them because I need it myself. You have to know where your limits are”

Fully on your side

He would rather be home and on the streets instead of making you worry about anything

Leona takes you being a whale for granted

Only at the beginning though

He is from a royal family so he is a bit out of touch with how much something is really worth

But suddenly you get less and less card of him, spend less money on him

It's one of the few times where you can see him walk around without a goal and not napping

(He is definitely one of those “walk it out” people when he is stressed and he isn't capable of using physical ways)

He is afraid that you have found someone better

But when he finds out that you are not having enough money he calms down... a bit

Like I said, he is a bit detached when it's about money so he is like “Why won't you just get more?”

But he understands that it might not be as easy for you as it is for him

He tries really hard to understand

He is still a bit fussy about the situation since you always pulling for his cards was a reassurance for him

He looks out for other ways in which you show your affection

Ok Leona was already detached enough with money

But this one?

I'm just saying that this man has for 100% his very own treasury

He only understands that something is troubling you

Since that is the case he is not in any way displeased about you not getting so much for him

He is a bit concerned about you though

You were doing a lot for him, right?

Was it affecting you in any negative way?

Yes Malleus, they lack money...

He keeps calm though

What he also does is encouraging you to take care of yourself

"As much as I am happy to receive the care of those around me I wish that they also take care of themselves."

Just give him a lot of affection through free of money means and he will not "invite" you at least not yet

[anxious-burrito-babe]

an incredibly unnecessary linguistic analysis of like twenty seconds of dialogue in prey (2022)

I was really surprised to see this movie explore themes of gender, siblinghood, and power. there's a scene where Naru and Taabe are really grappling with this as she tries to convince him to help her hunt the predator:

NARU: We need to go back out. Far, beyond the ridgeline. TAABE: No. NARU: Kay well I’ll hunt alone if I have to TAABE: You can’t. NARU: Do I need your permission, war chief? TAABE: It’s not about permission. You can’t. I had to carry you back.

here, Naru is clearly mocking Taabe and the authority he apparently assumes over her. Taabe doesn't deny the "chief" comment, but instead attempts to explain that, based on the previous scene, she lacks the ability to follow through on her goals. in his eyes, she is putting herself in harm's way.

what really struck me here (because I'm a huge nerd) is the word "can't" here. for a native English speaker, permission and ability are tangled up in this word. through the economy of this exchange, the audience easily understands that Naru is not simply struggling against traditional gender roles, but a similarly frustrating underestimation of her ability. this scene is a brilliant set-up for later moments in the movie where Naru ultimately takes advantage of how she is continuously underestimated.

but my question (again, being a massive nerd) is: what happens to this scene in the Comanchee dub? how does that version engage with the question of permission and ability?

it's difficult to tell from the subs alone, which are a (in my opinion) messy gloss toward the English dialogue. to my eternal outrage, there are no subtitles in Comanche. if I wanted to find out exactly what the actors were saying, well, I'd have to transcribe as best I could as a non-native speaker and make do with online Comanche language resources. for the curious, I'm including an incredibly shitty and lazy transcript of the dialogue that I used to work out what was going on. if by any chance any Comanche see this post, I would love to hear any corrections (otherwise do not at me bc as a linguist about to start my phd kI’m already ashamed of the transcript LMAO). anyway, here's what I managed to cobble together after listening to ten second segments of dialogue fifty billion times, with the subtitles written in parentheses:

NARU: u:k pitsaku. u:nitu mirak (We need to return there, going that way) TAABE: oi (No) NARU: megu nana patakh mia (Well I’ll hunt alone) TAABE: ke aan (You can’t) NARU: na se para eala xaya kui? (Do I need your permission, Chief?) this line of dialogue was rough for me rip TAABE: ke ama kuit. ke aan. na se ama kutsahajt (It’s not about permission. You can’t. I saved you)

and here are some relevant words I pulled from an online Comanche Dictionary :

• pitsa miʔarʉ (return, go back, move away from)

• miarʉ / miarʉ̠ (go, walk)

• kee (no)

• nanihtʉbinitʉask (ask permission)

• tsahkwitsoʔai (save someone's life)

I haven't yet been able to find information about modals in Comanche to figure out how "ke aan" relates to "can." but besides making it painfully apparent that my transcript is fucked up beyond belief, comparing the vocabulary to the dialogue revealed a few things. one, Naru is talking about going by herself, and talk of hunting seems not to enter the picture. two, while the English dialogue has Taabe discussing permission, in the Comanche he apparently rejects the label of Chief. to me, this is a more humble treatment of Taabe's character. he doesn't believe he has earned that title and makes clear that he just wants to protect his little sister.

is the difference as striking as I thought? no, but that doesn't make it any less interesting (remember, huge nerd here). i wish we had true Comanche subtitles so it was eaiser to appreciate the subtext more. even better, I'm mourning the missed opportunity for full Comanche dialogue as the original script intended, with both Comanche and English subs. there are even jucier scenes I'm planning to look into more to catch other subtleties. either way, I'm delighted we got to see a powerful Comanche woman kick predator ass and hear her talk about it in Comanche too

[gimme-mor]

ACOTAR THINK PIECE: ELAIN ARCHERON, UNTOUCHABLE

*DISCLAIMER*

This will be a long post.

Please take the time to read this post in its entirety and truly reflect on the message I am trying to send before commenting. My goal is to use my background in Gender and Women’s Studies to deconstruct the comments I have seen on Tumblr and Twitter and bring awareness to the ACOTAR fandom.

The reason I am tagging “Elriel” in this post is to call attention to the arguments in the Elriel fandom that: weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions about Elain’s character and her relationship with Lucien; victimize Elain’s character in fandom discussions; and coddle Elain’s character, which limits fandom discussions about her narrative development and prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions in the same way that the fandom holds other characters accountable for their actions and inactions. It is for these reasons that I WILL NOT remove the “Elriel” tag from this post because all of the above points contribute to the toxic discourse surrounding Elain’s character.

I urge those who use these arguments to understand their implications, why they are problematic, regardless of intent, and reexamine their contributions to the ACOTAR fandom. I WILL NOT tolerate anyone who tries to twist my words and say I am attacking people and their personal shipping preferences. In fact, I AM CRITIQUING THE ARGUMENTS THEMSELVES NOT THE PEOPLE USING THE ARGUMENTS.

Also, I highly encourage the Elriel fandom to read this post because it addresses how the concept of choice as an argument enables arguments to exploit social justice and feminist languge in order to vilify Elucien shippers, among other problematic things.

Elain Archeron is one of the most polarizing characters in the ACOTAR fandom. Though opinions about Elain vary, arguments in the Elriel fandom cite society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters as the reason behind the hate, and this belief is used to provide an explanation as to why other characters in the series are favored over her. In the series, Elain is portrayed in a wholly positive light and this image carries over into the Elriel fandom, painting her character as a good and kind female who has been unfairly wronged and a victim of circumstances that were out of her control. When arguments in the Elriel fandom oppose other viewpoints in the fandom, they fall into one of three categories:

Category 1: Weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions

Maybe people who hate Elain are just jealous of her in a weird way similar to when someone hates the pretty, nice, and charming girl in school just because she is too perfect

Disliking Elain is misogynistic

What happened to feminism? What happened to women supporting women? What happened to she can say no? All of that disappears the second you force Elain to be with Lucien

Elain antis are misogynistic

All Eluciens are Elain antis

Antis claiming they’re feminists when in reality they hate on Elain and Feyre but love Nesta

Elain antis are such sore losers. Y’all were that bunch of people who could not get over being rejected from hanging out with the cool kids so y’all are projecting your hatred towards pretty people now to get validation

I don’t get how Elain’s love for gardening equals boring for some people. I’m sorry your misogyny finds traditionally feminine activities boring

Why are you attacking a female? What did Elain do? Where are your feminist voices?

The fandom is misogynistic towards Elain

If people loved Elain they would ship Elriel

If you hate Elain it says a lot about your feelings toward women

If you hate Elain because she has no “development” then you must hate Azriel because otherwise you’re misogynistic

Eluciens are turned off by the idea of a woman that has the autonomy to reject a man for the simple reason that it is her choice

Eluciens are all about feminism and “it’s HER choice” until it comes down to females not wanting a male

Eluciens don’t respect Elain’s feelings when they ship her with someone that was part of her trauma and makes her feel uncomfortable

The way some Elucien shippers completely disregard how uncomfortable Elain is around Lucien is so hilariously not funny. Prioritizing being mates over Elain’s feelings is just regressive

It’s hard as a fan of Elain to see someone ship her with a person who makes her physically uncomfortable to be around. Wouldn’t you want both characters to be happy to be around each other

Imagine if SJM saw all the awful things her “stans” had to say about Elain

It’s true that we know comparatively little about her, but is she really boring or do you just not value stereotypically feminine traits?

So y’all are just gonna tell me you prefer Elucien over Elriel? Even though Lucien treats Elain as if she’s something that belongs to him? The only reason he wants to be with her is because she’s his mate, he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t treat her as his equal, even though that’s what mates should be? He doesn’t bother to look past what’s on the outside to see her for who she is. And Elain is obviously repulsed by the idea that she should belong to anyone or have no choice in who she can be with. Azriel is her friend and the only person who sees her quiet strength. He has so much faith in her, in her abilities; he’s the one who kept her company when no one else did, he’s the only one who bothered to see her for more than her brokenness. You’re going to tell me you still prefer Elucien over Elriel?

The more I see Gwynriels that ship Elucien out of their hate for Elain, the less I can understand Elain stans that ship Elucien. Pls Elain has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Lucien, why would you ship her with him? Do you hate her too? Smh

The real question would be, if you care and understand Elain why would you ship her with Lucien (where she canonically shrinks when he is near)?

People crying over Helion and Lucien’s mom not getting to be with each other and her being forced into a relationship she didn’t want, but also ship Elucien? Just say you hate Elain

When Elain’s book is out, Gwyn stans will look like clowns and I will laugh because they set her up by shipping her with Azriel just because they hate Elain. Watch them play the victims now because Elriels are clapping back the hate they’ve sent towards Elain

As romantic as wanting girl who is visibly uncomfortable around a guy who caused her trauma to end up with the said guy. Guess their standards for romance are in hell

Category 2: Victimize Elain’s character

Gwynriels only want Gwyn with Azriel because they despise Elain

Gwyn stans and Gwynriels are Elain antis

No one in the books dislike Elain, so why are there so many people who do?

Elain hasn’t done anything wrong or questionable to warrant the hate she gets

Not having Elain’s POV makes it easy for people to be swayed a certain way about her character if you already don’t relate to her in some way

It’s been years since this series came out and we haven’t gotten a lick of an Elain POV, but people still hate her for what? We don’t know her thoughts, dreams, or aspirations

We haven’t even had Elain’s perspective yet and people are passing these judgments off on her

Elain antis who say she’s boring are just cruel when she has obvious symptoms of PTSD like Feyre and Nesta

Gwyn is one of the most overhyped characters and that’s only because most people hate Elain and they couldn’t wait to find a random girl to ship Azriel with

Nesta was abusive to her sisters but Elain (who has only ever been kind) is painted as the villain

From the text we know that Elain is the epitome of feminine stereotypes (gentle, gardening, baking, non confrontational for the most part). Yet people still call her boring or deny that she has any interesting character traits?

You can’t love Nesta and hate Elain

People hate Elain because of internalized misogyny and lack of taste. All the girl does is tend to her garden and mind her business and they treat her worse than Tamlin

Does Gwyn deserve all this support? Of course yes! She is amazing! But where’s that support when Elain was in the same situation as she? Where’s that support for her right now? Why do they idolize Gwyn for her interactions with Azriel and hate Elain for having any interaction with him?

It’s not even a ship war anymore, they just hate Elain

People hate Elain for no reason

Some of y’all don’t like feminine traits and it shows

We know less about Eris and Helion but people don’t call them boring. Why would rejecting femininity make Elain more interesting?

Elain has had a lot forced upon her

The main reason I believe most people love Gwyn so much is to get Azriel away from Elain. It’s not a secret that Elain has been a widely hated character for years so suddenly we get a new female who has a minimal amount of interactions with Azriel and BOOM. New ship that once again doesn’t make sense (just like Azriel x Emerie after ACOFAS)

Elain hasn’t done something so terrible for her to get this hate. At this point some of you are just being misogynistic and you don’t want to accept it. Don’t call yourselves feminists and then say bs like this, it’s embarrassing. She’s pretty and everyone agreed to hate on her

Just a personal feeling, but I feel like a lot of the Elain hate stems from internalized misogyny. That to be a strong female lead, you need to pick up a sword and fight. That to be strong, you need to adapt traditionally masculine traits

Elain is feminine. She is beautiful. She loves to bake and garden. She is docile, quiet, observant, and a people-pleaser. All traditionally feminine traits. Yet for some reason, she’s like the worst in these people’s eyes?

I think also maybe a lot of people can’t relate to her femininity? That her being so beautiful and quiet doesn’t allow for the people who dislike her not to self-insert? Most of the hate stems from people not wanting Elain to be with Azriel. It’s mean, but maybe the people who hate Elain literally just can’t self-insert if they have a story and that’s why they’re vehemently against it?

Poor Elain. The Cauldron dealt her a bad deal. Upon emerging as Fae, she is immediately declared by Lucien as his mate, never mind that she was already engaged to a prick. Her love life is not good

It blows my mind how they really think that they can compare all the shit that Elain gets with some dumb jokes about Gwyn on Twitter (and yes, the “hate” towards her started mostly because Elriels are clapping back, it was bound to happen)

I would think of it as anti-feminist with Elain and Lucien because she has consistently stated that she does not want him so if she was forced to embrace the bond that would be taking away her right to have a choice but with Az she feels comfortable around so if they were mates then Elain would be happy and feel safe which again should be the priority for women to feel safe in their relationships with anything and to not be forced into any type of situation aka the mating bond in this

Category 3: Coddle Elain’s character

Elain has value the way she is, in all her domestic girly glory. Not every character has to be badass

We don’t speak of Elain’s flaws frequently because everyone else already speaks badly of her, mainly in an unfair way

There is definitely something deeper going on with Elain but by no means will she ever be evil or any less feminine. That goes against everything we already know about her

It’s ok to critique Elain because she needs growth but y’all keep forgetting the shit her and her sisters went through

The last “bad” thing Elain did in ACOTAR was not help Feyre when they were impoverished and I’m tired of people acting like she’s a terrible character when it was their father’s responsibility. It happened 4 books ago and Feyre has forgiven both Nesta and Elain

Elain’s character and the evil Elain theory are a great example of the trend where people only consider female characters interesting if they reject femininity

We don’t know enough to hate Elain

Many people want Elain to turn evil (which in my opinion seems to come from a place of internalized misogyny)

However we don’t tend to talk about her faults, at least not publicly, as that has been, and still is, done to death, and I--personally, at least--find it much more fun to theorise about potentially interesting aspects of the overall plot, than dwell on negatives

And ultimately, I would be shocked if Elain has a more karmically-charged story than Nesta, considering that Elain’s “wrongs” are so much less severe and bad than Nesta’s, and Elain has already apologized for them (or paid the price in other ways, like through what Graysen did)

I guess I also think Elain has suffered and been punished enough. I hope her story is about finding hope in terrible situations, and learning to love her new life, and choosing her own path after everything that has been done to her. I don’t think she needs to be punished anymore or face any additional trauma

Also, why is she being judged on her decisions as a human at all? Fae are monsters to humans! They enslaved them for thousands of years, and the Wall was erected to keep them out

Like I’m sorry, but think Elain would want to leave her ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS for the Spring Court where she has no one because--oh look, lots of flowers!--is the craziest thing I have ever heard

Her sisters are in the Night Court. Her nephew is in the Night Court. Her closest friends (Nuala and Cerridwen) are in the Night Court. Her love interest is in the Night Court. Her extended family is in the Night Court. Her home is in the Night Court

SJM isn’t going to keep two sisters together and split up the third. Especially not keep Feyre and Nesta together and separate Elain. They were either all going to end up in separate places, or together. Not 2 here and 1 there

Compared to the other female characters in the series, Elain is the only character whose femalehood is at the center of conversations; this is because arguments in the Elriel fandom fixate on it when discussing her character. While Elain, Feyre, Nesta, and Mor are all representations of white womanhood and white beauty, Elain epitomizes the most fragile version of white womanhood. It’s easy to blame society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters when it comes to the discourse surrounding Elain’s character because it: falls in line with the fixation on Elain’s femalehood to silence opposing viewpoints; is a simplistic explanation that fails to tackle the underlying issues with Elain as a character, the same issues that are downplayed in-universe; absolves Elain of her wrongdoings; prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions within the series; and diminishes the impact Elain’s actions and inactions have on those around her. It’s not that Elain is hated in the fandom because she’s a traditional female character; it’s the fact that arguments in the Elriel fandom deflect a critical analysis of Elain’s character because she’s a traditional female character who embodies the ideal white woman in need of protection. White fans and white-aligned fans of color, especially white women, have a tendency to vehemently defend, gatekeep, and coddle white female characters in fandom; this makes it difficult for other fans to engage in critical discussions about these white female characters because they’re viewed as flawless and all around perfect characters despite evidence to the contrary. Since Elain is viewed positively by the other characters in the series, it has rendered her character untouchable to any perceived slight or criticism in fandom discussions because those negative opinions challenge what has been said about her character thus far. And as a result, her character has been placed on a pedestal and implicitly hailed as the epitome of white womanhood; and when she’s criticized, it’s seen as a direct attack against white womanhood. Arguments in the Elriel fandom: exploit feminist language and perpetuate white feminist tactics under the guise of defending Elain’s character; center Elain in conversations about female oppression in the ACOTAR world and uphold white feminist ideologies in their critique of ACOTAR’s patriarchal society; and use the fragile white woman narrative to victimize Elain in Lucien’s presence, playing into racial biases that are associated with white supremacy’s defense of white womanhood.

Feminism is a social movement that seeks to promote equality and equity to all genders, and feminists work toward eradicating gender disparities on a macro-level, in addition to challenging gender biases on a micro-level. As feminism became more mainstream, a flat and oversimplified version of feminism emerged: mainstream feminism. The mainstream feminist movement is meant to represent all women, but rarely does it center conversations around issues that concern most women. The problem with mainstream feminism is that it’s just a popularized version of white feminism. White feminism has relied extensively on an individualized understanding of women’s oppression, exclusively from the lens of privileged white women. White feminism only focuses on the oppression experienced by white, able-bodied, affluent, educated, cishet women; and it views gender as the key mode of privileged white women’s oppression, isolated from the privileges granted by their other social identities. White women can be and are oppressed under the patriarchy but only because they are women; their identity as women does not exempt them from the privileges granted by their whiteness. The term white feminist does not mean any feminist who is white, but refers to feminists who prioritize the concerns of privileged white women as though they are representative of all women. However, the term is not exclusive to white people. Because white feminism is so pervasive, people of other racial and ethnic backgrounds often buy into white feminism, believing that if they work hard enough, they may be able to reap its rewards.

Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism only recognizes the identity of being a woman, assumes that all women share common experiences of gender oppression, fails to address other social identities in relation to overlapping systems of oppression, and disregards privilege in relation to various social identities. Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism is palatable because it doesn’t seek to challenge the systems in place, instead its goal is to succeed within them. Essentially, mainstream feminism and white feminism are extensions of performative feminism. Performative feminism is a type of performative activism that’s used to describe feminist views that are surface level and solely for the benefit of one type of person. It’s a pretense which often has nothing to do with genuine activism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom normalize and promote performative feminism because the topic of feminism is only referenced when discussing Elain. This indicates that these arguments are engaging in disingenuous discourse to push a personal agenda within the ACOTAR fandom, and it becomes more apparent when they use white feminist tactics to shut down opposing viewpoints:

White feminists weaponize and exploit feminist language to silence the opinions of other women, especially when they’re called out for their problematic behaviors

White feminists use the phrase “Women supporting women” to defend other white feminists who exhibit problematic behaviors instead of holding them accountable 

White feminists weaponize phrases like “Women supporting women” and “You just hate women” to attack other women who disagree with them on any given topic

White feminists use phrases like “All women face challenges” and “Stop pitting women against each other” to sidestep conversations about privilege

White feminists divert conversations away from privilege and towards the Trauma Olympics to equate their struggles to the oppression of marginalized people 

White feminists skirt around the realities of other forms of oppression and discrimination, downplaying the experiences of marginalized people

White feminists diminish or ignore the ways in which gender oppression affects other marginalized people

White feminists paint those they harmed as aggressive, mean, or divisive when confronted with the ways they have harmed a marginalized group

White feminists deflect criticism by focusing on the anger or emotions being expressed rather than the issue that is being discussed, invalidating the concerns of marginalized people

White feminists speak over marginalized voices in an attempt to sound “woke”

White feminists get defensive and insist there’s no way they could be a part of the problem because of what they’ve done to help marginalized groups already 

White feminists say they don’t see color in an attempt to obscure racial issues that need to be addressed

White feminists center and victimize themselves in conversations about racism, which derails necessary conversations from taking place

White feminists who are white weaponize the intersectionality of their race and gender to avoid accountability

Feminism is not meant to be approached from an individualistic perspective nor is it only about addressing the experiences of privileged white women, it involves addressing the intersections of race, class, gender, sexuality, (dis)ability, and other social identities as well; and it involves addressing how these social identities relate to privilege. Moreover, feminism is not about women upholding complete loyalty to other women because of a shared gender identity, and to claim that it does implies that women should be held to different emotional standards than men. If men are able to dislike and criticize other individual men, real or fictional, without their characters being compromised, why aren’t women granted that same privilege?

It’s clear that SJM set up the ACOTAR world to mirror a patriarchal society, and that the imbalance of power between males and females stems from sexism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom analyze the ACOTAR world through a feminist lens to show how ACOTAR’s patriarchal society, to which the mating bond is innately tied, contributes to female oppression and limits their agency. When choice and free will are emphasized as part of Elain’s arc, they imply that Elain, through the mating bond, experiences female oppression under ACOTAR’s patriarchal society because of her identity as a female with that identity being the focal point of her oppression in the world. Elain is one of the most privileged characters in the ACOTAR world: she’s High Fae; she’s the sister of the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court, which gives her access to wealth and political influence because of that connection; she’s able-bodied; she was magically blessed by the Cauldron; and she lives in Velaris, a place that grants females autonomy and power because of the beliefs of Rhysand and Feyre. Arguments in the Elriel fandom trivialize female oppression in the ACOTAR world because they disregard the fact that Elain’s privileges prevent her from experiencing female oppression in the same way that other marginalized females in the world do. The mating bond being one such example because those around Elain are not forcing the bond on her, instead they’re allowing Elain to reach a decision about the bond for herself; a privilege that other marginalized females in the world probably wouldn’t have. Just because Elain has endured hardships in her life and is a female in a patriarchal society, they do not erase the privileges she holds within the ACOTAR world. The failure to include Elain’s privileges in discussions about Elain being a female in a patriarchal society feeds into white feminist ideologies because white feminism operates from a very narrow perspective; it doesn’t take other intersecting identities into account when it examines gender oppression, leaving no room for discussions about privilege (or lack thereof) in relation to those intersecting identities. When discussing oppression in hierarchical societies, it’s imperative that privilege is also included in the conversation because privilege and oppression are not mutually exclusive; they equally affect the ways in which people navigate those societies through their social identities.

Rather than attributing Elain’s uncomfortability to her new life as a Fae female or the mating bond itself and her trauma to the Cauldron, the King of Hybern, or Ianthe, they’re placed on Lucien to cast his character in a negative light. Moreover, fandom discussions portray Lucien as a possessive character to further emphasize Elain’s discomfort despite the inaccuracy of this characterization in canon. Arguments in the Elriel fandom play into racial biases when it comes to Lucien (a male character of color) because they mischaracterize his character in order to victimize Elain (a white female character), placing her character in the role of the white damsel in distress. In Western society, the concept of womanhood has been conceptualized from a Eurocentric perspective with femininity and feminine attributes favoring white women. It’s the idea that a certain type of femininity is only inherent to white women as they are seen as the embodiment of an ideal womanhood. White womanhood has been a symbol of innocence and purity, and white women have been viewed as fragile beings in need of protection. The reason white womanhood functions within white supremacy is because it’s the same idea that has motivated white men to kill and beat black and brown men. The so-called protection of white women has been used as a justification for the horrific violence committed by white men because black and brown men were stereotyped as aggressive and seen as a threat to the virtue of white women. The white damsel in distress trope considered white women as worthy of protection because of their perceived innocence and purity; women of color were not granted that same treatment because they did not fit into the ideal image of womanhood. Over the years, this trope became a means for white women to exercise limited power in a patriarchal society with white women weaponizing their status as the damsel much to the detriment of black and brown men. It’s through the white damsel in distress trope that white supremacy sustains its dominance in Western society. The misrepresentation of characters of color in fandom, the dismissal of their importance to the overall story, and using them as tools in arguments centered around white characters are the foundation of fandom racism; they’re examples of how racism moves silently in fandom spaces. Instead of examining their behavior and taking constructive criticism from fans of color, white fans will often double down on their bigotry and center their uncomfortability in the conversation when confronted with their complicity in fandom racism. White fans expect fans of color to swallow fandom racism in its many forms in order to not ruin the experience of fandom, dismissing the fact that racism is prevalent in nearly every aspect of society. This mentality ensures that no one is held accountable for the harm they caused and alienates fans of color in fandom spaces.

To reiterate what I mentioned in my first think piece: terms like “oppression”, “the right to choose”, “feminist”, “feminism”, “anti-feminist”, “anti-feminism”, “internalized misogyny”, “misogyny”, “misogynist”, “sexist”, “sexism”, “racist”, “racism”, “classist”, “classism”, “discrimination”, and “patriarchy” are all used in specific ways to draw attention to the plight of marginalized people and challenge those who deny the existence of systems of oppression. Yet these words and their meanings can be twisted to attack, exclude, and invalidate people with differing opinions on any given topic. When social justice and feminist terms are thrown around antagonistically and carelessly to push a personal agenda, it becomes clear that these terms are being used to engage in disingenuous discourse and pursue personal validation rather than being used out of any deep-seated conviction to dismantle systemic oppression. Being an ally, activist, or feminist is not an identity, it’s a practice. It requires: ongoing self-reflection; holding ourselves accountable; listening to marginalized people; educating ourselves; dismantling implicit biases; challenging those around us who are exhibiting problematic behaviors; and action behind our words.

It’s important to be aware of the language that is used within the fandom when defending or critiquing characters and ships. It’s also important to question how an argument is framed and why it’s framed the way that it is to critically examine the intent behind that argument: is it used as a tool to push a personal agenda that reinforces problematic behaviors, or is it used as an opportunity to share, learn, enlighten, and educate?

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Tagging: @spell-cleavers @bookofmirth @m0bulidae @ilya-boltagon

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Andrew Ford was questioned and fetishized when he came out as bisexual. The gay community insisted he wasn’t being honest with himself; women at clubs started to excitedly fantasize about hooking up with two guys at the same time.

All the while, the soccer standout stayed true to himself. Ford came out his freshman year at Malone University, a small Christian liberal arts college in Canton, Ohio — home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His friends and teammates were accepting, which was an incredible relief. But his journey into the LGBTQ community was a little more rocky.

“I got a lot of pressure from the gay community,” Ford told me recently on the phone. “I felt like I was misunderstood, and didn’t know who I was.”

Ford is one of an increasing number of openly bisexual college-aged athletes whom we’ve profiled recently on Outsports. Despite some surveys showing more Americans identify as bisexual than either gay or lesbian, there is a dearth of bi visibility in pop culture and sports.

As bi sportswriter Jeff Rueter challenged me: “name a bisexual man, and don’t say Frank Ocean.”

These kick-ass kids are going to change that.

Biphobia is real

Let’s start here: Biphobia is real. It manifests itself in gestures as seemingly fleeting as dismissive jokes, and actions as harrowing as outright physical violence. Bisexual people typically suffer significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety, domestic violence, sexual assault, and poverty than lesbians, gay men, or straight cisgender people, according to the Human Rights Campaign.

A black-and-white society, most of us grow up with the notion people are either straight or gay. Those attitudes have historically prevailed in the LGBTQ community, too.

Alex Keuroghlian, the Director of the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center at the Fenway Institute, says bisexual people can be looked at skeptically.

“Within LGBTQIA+ communities, there has historically been a stigma toward bisexual people, and the false notion that they’re really gay and lesbian people who haven’t accepted that about themselves,” he said.

Megan Duthart, a rower at Washington State University who identifies as both bi and queer, has experienced the stigma first-hand. She says she thinks bisexual people are often excluded in the LGBTQ community.

“I’ve struggled a little bit with being identified as an ‘other’ in the community with the term ‘bisexuality,’” she said.

Why are bi people targeted for erasure?

More people are identifying as bisexual. Over three percent of U.S. adults say they’re bi, according to the 2018 General Social Survey. That’s three times the number as 2008.

And yet, bi people are still targeted for erasure. One of the ways it happens is through language. When people see same-sex couples, for example, they may be inclined to label them as “gay” or “lesbian,” without considering that one or both of the people could identity as bi.

While Americans’ attitudes about sexuality are evolving, many still adhere to more binary definitions of sexual orientation. A recent YouGov poll found 41 percent of American adults don’t think sexuality is a spectrum (conversely, 37 percent think it is).

As Ford puts it, bisexuality is stereotypically viewed as “the stepping stone stage.” That ties into one of the more insidious aspects of bi-erasure: the belief that it’s just a phase. It’s a line Ford recalls hearing many times, from both men and women.

“(Gay men) said, ‘I came out as bisexual first. It’s just a phase, you won’t be there long,’” Ford said. “I was also scared how women would think about it. They wanted to change me. Some of them wanted to use it as a thrill they were seeking.”

When professional hockey player Zach Sullivan came out as bi, his father told him it meant he was still making up his mind.

“I remember what my dad said when I told him,” Sullivan said. “‘Well, you aren’t all the way there. You haven’t really decided.’ I was like, ‘no, I know I’m attracted to both genders. I’m not halfway towards coming out as gay.’”

The bi burden

Every LGBTQ person can relate to the fear and anxiety of coming out. But for most of us, once we do it, it’s over.

That’s not the case for bi people.

“We have to keep coming out to our significant others, whether it’s a man or a woman,” Ford said. “If you’re gay and you start dating a gay, you’re not going to be like, ‘I have to tell you something: I’m gay.’ They’re going to be like, ‘no shit.’”

And once bi people do come out, they could get charged with being greedy — the sexual equivalent of having their cake and eating it, too. The insult angers Sullivan.

“The majority of people in the LGBT+ community have struggled with their sexuality, and when they finally become comfortable enough to come out in the open with their sexuality, I don’t think the first thing to say to someone who’s come out as bisexual is they’re greedy,” Sullivan said. “I took over 10 years to get to where I am.”

Duthart finds the concept of bisexuality can be difficult to explain. She largely identifies as queer.

“I’ve had coaches question whether I’m rebelling or going through a phase,” she said. “Then when I explain the whole queer aspect, they’re like, ‘Oh, OK. That seems more justified.’ I don’t want to have to justify those things, but I sort of have to.”

Changing attitudes

Jack Storrs came out as bisexual last year as a college football captain. His teammates at Pomona-Pitzer rallied around him, and wore Pride decals on their helmets.

But even some who were supportive suggested he was on his way to identifying as gay. Storrs said he couldn’t hide his feelings for men anymore, and came out because he wanted to explore.

Maybe he was gay, maybe he wasn’t. The questions didn't bother him. He was a relieved to have the dialogue.

“It was killing me on the inside,” Storrs said. “It got to the point where I was like, ‘screw it.’ This is who I am, and this was meant to be.”

Nowadays, Storrs says he’s more towards the “gay end of the spectrum,” and expects the fluidity to continue.

He’s cool with that, and numbers show his peers are, too. Generation Z is among the most progressive and diverse in U.S. history. A 2018 study from Ipsos Mori shows only 66 percent of young people today identify exclusively as heterosexual.

Young people have a better understanding of how sexuality can evolve, says Keuroghlian.

“There’s been less of a reflex to box people in, and categorize people in ways that could be static,” he said. “A key part of all of this is not projecting behavior or projecting attraction. People tell us — they self-identify that’s who they are. And we have to honor that.”

Visibility challenges misperceptions

But to get back to Rueter’s question: can you name a famous out bisexual person besides Frank Ocean?

It’s challenging, and the lack of bi visibility may be one of the biggest contributors towards bi-erasure. But that is changing. Each person who comes out as bisexual has the ability to change perceptions within their own communities — and many young athletes are.

Bri Tollie, a bisexual college basketball player at Southern Methodist University, wrote in her coming-out story she refuses to conform.

“It is important to be visible because everyone is unique,” she wrote. “Our uniqueness means no one should not have to give up a part of themselves to conform. It is called self-respect.”

Growing up, Storrs tried to shut off his attraction to guys. He told himself it wasn’t a big deal, but the angst became all-encompassing.

Storrs is done hiding any part of himself. He did that for far too long, and is now out for all to see.

“I am bisexual, and my point is, I don’t really give a shit what anybody else thinks,” Storrs said. “This is who I am, and I don’t have to figure it out, but the reason I’m coming out is to figure it out, or at least get to a point where I’m comfortable.”

With their stories, these young bi athletes are making it more comfortable for bi people every single day.

[unfinished-projects-galore]

Hello uh, I know that your OCs are you know OCs, but can I request some head canons for them? Like, Viorel, Servus, and Yuutaka with a crush on their gender neutral best friend who got transported to the TWST world like the MC? (different from Yuu) Lets say they had a bad day, how would the boys comfort them/show that they care? Even if you don't do this, like if you feel uncomfortable, it's ok. I just wanted to send this anyway, thank you! Love ur art

|| Um, so… this was an interesting ask. I really don’t mind it, but it is surreal to think about how much attention they’re getting— As in, enough to request hcs for them??? That’s pretty cool because it feels like they’re part of the actual franchise but….hm…

I have mixed feelings about this, just because I might get threats from the fandom—- but anyway, here you go Anon! I hope they’re to your liking—- ||

You see, Yuutaka has…a few screws loose when it comes to dealing with things he’s heard of, but is not really familiar with. Case and point; how he deals with most of his problems.

So when he sees you, the object of his affection, a little worse for wear, he’s not the brightest when it comes to his attempts in consoling nor comforting you.

You’d think as friends, best friends, no less, he’d have a better understanding for how you’d react to this type of situation.

He doesn’t. It’s not like he had a lot of close friends from back in the day, so he really is at a loss.

He doesn’t know how what the best course of action is, but he’ll gladly do whatever. You just need to tell him what to do.

You want something to eat? He’ll whip up something simple (and kind of childish, like omurice with a ketchup smile on it) because he’s not the best cook, but he tries.

Want to just talk about it but not want advice? He’ll listen to whatever it is you have to say, thank you for being willing to open up to him, and praise you for doing your best.

“The days are long, and the days are hard, but these are just the cards we were dealt with. You did good today, prefect.”

You want him to hold you? He’ll try his hardest finish his work as soon as possible to do just that when you need him.

Is the work that the Headmaster has been giving you two too much? He doesn’t have the guts to complain to him, but he might end up doing some of your chores when he sees that it’s really taking a toll on you.

Is Grim being too much of a handful? Good thing he likes cats, so he’ll probably find a way to redirect his attention to himself more than Grim does to you.

You want him to leave you alone? That’s fine, he’ll give you all the space and time you need because to some extent, he can sympathize with your troubles.

Well, he can’t completely understand since he doesn’t really have much to look forward to back home, but he knows that you have a life that you wanted to live then.

He’s awkward, but he does have his spurts of reliability and charisma.

For now, he’ll just hope you can settle with what little he can offer you in this wonderland that even he has trouble dealing with.

He wants you to be able to rely on him because for whatever reason, he feels as if he just can’t let you carry it all on your own.

Haha—- Where do I even begin?

Viorel’s the type of person to end up liking someone, but doesn’t know it(?) Like other people notice, but he’s the last to understand it(?)

Like, he subconsciously puts you first you above most people, which sometime include the Octa trio, but he doesn’t think much of it.

Note: sometimes.

But perhaps that’s just him finding more interest in you than what it was he was doing beforehand…

Granted, he can’t offer you a physically affectionate refuge, but what he lacks in that department, he makes up for in his acts of service.

There’s a special menu item from the cafeteria and he catches wind that you want one before it runs out? He’ll get it for you, makes sure that he’s one of the first few to get it too so that they’re still fresh.

You don’t get the assignment that’s been given because you were too busy to work? He’ll teach it to you even if you’re in different grades.

Admittedly he’s busy with work too, but he’s born with that intelligence that makes him understand everything without having to study, so it’s not like he needs that much time for anything else.

So when he sees you stumble in the lounge, possibly to meet up with him, and sees that you’re not feeling so good as you take your seat on one of the farther tables, he’ll abandon his current shift as a server, and get into the kitchen to make your favorite food.

He’s not only skilled in drawing, but he’s skillful with his hands in general. So he’s very good at making whatever it is that you want, just as you had described to him in a conversation you had before once.

He brings it out, puts it on your table with a firm, straightforward, but gentle, “Eat.” And he goes back to his originally scheduled shift as if nothing out of the ordinary happened.

That’s his way of telling you to wait for him until he’s done working so you could talk to him, but to enjoy something in his absence for the meantime.

The warmth of the food he just served you warms your heart right up and makes you feel comforted as you dig in.

Surrounded by the delicious aroma that envelops you like a warm hug, one which he can’t quite give you just yet, you feel oddly less alone in your empty corner.

Now this boy is a wild card, just because it really depends on his mood, how strongly he feels about you, and how “close” you two are.

If you’re “best friends,” but you’re not that close, you’ll just have to settle being the last thing he thinks about, he has his own life after all.

But for the sake of this post, let’s say that you’re quite close, but he hasn’t told you everything about him so he still has a few secrets.

He’s normally busy, meaning he’s practically everywhere and nowhere at once so it might be difficult to find him when you really need him.

You absolutely can NOT enter his room. Even if you did try, his door is enchanted to stay shut while he’s not inside, so there’s no use in checking there.

He’s either with Kalim, though not entirely voluntary, in Scarabia, or with Crewel in a vacant classroom.

On the off chance you do find him, or on the least likely scenario that he visits you in Ramshackle, he could almost physically see the weight you’re carrying on your shoulders.

Considering who he is and what he does, you don’t want to burden him with your own problems so you try your best to keep it from interfering with your time with him.

That obviously doesn’t work. He’s used to seeing that face of holding back, both on his own, and on his brother’s.

And much like his brother, though he finds your face annoying, he just can’t seem to leave you alone when you’re like that.

“What’s wrong, little sprout?~” he says, teasingly, with the most charming smile that seems to be harboring other emotions behind it.

He’ll usher you into a more private place, like the garden or further into your own dorm, so you feel more comfortable to talk. He’s used to having to deal with troublesome children like you, after all.

I don’t think you can expect warm words from him, just because he wants to be honest with you. You’re one of the few people that he feels as if he doesn’t have to be “nice” or “perfect” to because you see right through him anyway.

It’s also partially because he wants to be sincere with you and only you.

He’s not very romantic either, so he just settles with linking your pinky fingers together as he sits beside you under one of the trees. Listening to whatever it is you have to say to him, and to just be there for you.

Time is a luxury to him, so he makes sure to spend it accordingly. Even if that means indulging you in his presence every once in a while.

[vampelune]

kamukomahina gender/body headcanons

a bit of a ramble about my body, gender, and general appearance headcanons for them bcuz someone sent me a curiouscat prompting this 3k words of hyperfixation nonsense

Komaeda:

- He has a naturally lithe body, with a thin waist, broad shoulders and hips, which give him an hourglass. and a rather andrognyous body, which is "lucky" for him, because I hc him as nonbinary and gender non-conforming

- Gender-wise, as I said, I think he's nonbinary. Usually I do view Nagito as AMAB but I indulge in transmasc Nagito from time to time depending on my preference and how much I wish to uh, well, project, lol. But either way I think he would use he/they pronouns in a western sense. In japanese, however, they don't use third person pronouns that other people refer to them with, and in canon he uses the first person pronoun "boku", which is a "soft" masculine pronoun, in comparison to the "hard" masculine pronoun, “ore” (which Hajime uses btw!) which fits quite nicely, in my opinion! Also, in Japanese, you can be 'fluid' with your first person pronouns depending on the situation, so I think he could use more neutral or feminine pronouns should he desire it, too, to play on his gender non-conformity.

- Komaeda is very secure in his gender, regardless of being AMAB or AFAB. He does not care about stigma, or discrimination, he does not care about being "accepted" by broader society. Broader society is sort of meaningless to him, the average person and their ideas about gender and presentation and effeminity mean NOTHING to him. Whether or not a random person the street genders him correctly or treats him with respect is sort of, pointless? Because to him, most ordinary people are pointless nobodies. Their thoughts do not matter to him. I think he is still prone to insecurity, however, when around his "betters" but I just struggle to think he would degrade himself in regards to gender. to him, it's the least of his problems. what he cares about is hope and talent. He could dress femininely or wear makeup or straight up crossdress and not mind it, really. He thinks people would find a problem with it are the problem, because why does it even matter? It speaks to the way Komaeda is detached from societal norms & "normal" people, he did not grow up in normal circumstances, so he doesn't interact with the world normally by any means. he can mask and act normally to the best of his ability, often unintentionally?, but he simply does not fit into broader society and doesn't seek to.

- Komaeda loses weight really easily, and doesn't gain weight that well. This is mainly due to his many illnesses but also the medications he's been put on. He has a low appetite and burns weight rather easily, even though I headcanon that he eats like garbage (mainly junk food & takeout, since he obviously cannot cook). This makes him overall, health wise, not very healthy, and stick thin because of it. A stiff breeze could knock him over, tbh.

- He has a lot of faded scars, self-inflicted or not.

- Pre-despair (in HPA) he is fairly healthy but still lithe, and progressively his body deteriorates through his 2 years of hopes peak before the Tragedy begins.

- During the Tragedy itself, his body is at it's worst. he is almost nothing but bone at times, barely kept together by a need to live so he can see hope triumph. His weight fluctuates but he's very unhealthy. He's not anorexic or on death's door, but he's not well off, either.

- After being put into the neo world program, right after waking up, he's very, very thin and gaunt. he was in a pod on feeding tubs for an indiscernible but at least probably a month's worth of time? So he's just very weak, like he could collapse if he moves too quickly.

- But a while after waking, he goes into remission, and starts to gain more healthy habits due to being rehabilitated and cared for by Hinata, and gains some weight, finally at a healthy, normal weight. I still think he would struggle with putting on too much weight, but I am slightly fond of the idea that he gets a bit of healthy pudge after a while. To him, it's so foreign being healthy, that he honestly think something's wrong with him at first.

Hinata:

- Hinata has a very... average body, true to form. His hips and waist aren't too pronounced but he has a loosely "hourglass" shape, too, just not as exaggerated as Komaeda's in comparison.

- Gender-wise, I am EXTREMELY fond of transmasc Hinata. While I think I portray AMAB Hinata more than transmasc Hinata (in art and writing), I still firmly prefer transmasc Hinata. The reason I think portray otherwise more is just out of comfortability, but I've been getting better at comfortably portraying FTM Hinata. I have some reasons I prefer it and think you can extrapolate it from canon, but let's get into that

- Hinata, in my eyes, has an arc and story that fits perfectly into him just. Being trans. His desire to be someone else, someone better, someone he can proud of, and the way he overcompensates for himself and has an extreme inferiority complex would easily lend to him having similar feelings about his gender. To me, Hinata is a trans man who overperforms his masculinity out of insecurity and a need to pass. I see him as someone who would strictly use "he/him" in a western sense, which is lended to by his use of the "ore" pronoun in canon, which is almost hypermasculine.

- Even if he were AMAB, I think it still works, I think he's still someone who's insecure and tries to assert himself more strongly and therefore performs masculinity in a way to appear more confident than he is.

(side note: I actually read a bit about queerness in Japan and how it relates to gender performance and the use of pronouns, and read a bit about how queer women in japan tend to use "boku" and "ore" to perform masculinity, which I find neat. “Ore” was also sometimes used exclusively to show anger and dominance, which is why it's categorized as a "rough" pronoun. I think Japanese language, gender, and expression, and how those all relate to one another, are extremely interesting and if you get the time you should read about it lol)

- Body-wise, pre-despair, I think Hinata would. not have top surgery, obviously. I think he has a fairly average but leaning a little on the hefty side chest (pre-op) and binds it, hence the '91 cm' (but also he still has 91 cm post-op because bazongas). I also just think he leans on the "twunk" side of things at this point, not buff but not stick thin or without muscle, just kind of average with average strength and all, though I think Hinata would've tried to do sports and stuff to find his talent so he's in shape :)

- My personal, kind of amusing, but also kind of... thematical? Headcanon, is that during the Kamukura project, he also underwent gender transition. to be honest, while it may not make sense in modern Japan, I think we can suspend our disbelief for fiction, and also make the argument that Hinata's "transition" into Kamukura CAN be read, in some part, as relatable or at least familiar to the trans experience. Iit is not out of the realm of possibility, either, to assume that because many bits of society in Danganronpa are advanced (specifically science, is extremely ahead of our understanding, almost sci-fi like at times) certain attitudes about gender and sexuality can be smoothed over more in a Japanese context.

(side note: I also think that science-wise, we can suspend our disbelief, and assume that top surgery and bottom surgery are much more advanced in this universe, given the almost unbelievable levels of science in Danganronpa, such as memory wipe, mind control, completely realistic virtual simulation, um literally everything about Kamukura which is body modification and brain modification to an extreme, etc. I think it's kind of fitting within these to assume that... Hinata/Kamukura could just, gain a functioning penis, lol)

Kamukura:

- Kamukura would have a. "Perfect" body. it's stated, I'm pretty sure, that they modified not only his brain but his body, because he needs to be able to perform every talent under their belt with ease, and his strength, instincts, technique, are all superhuman. So it's clear to me he'd have a buff body. toned muscles and all. He wouldn't really feel a need to keep it up, though, but I think since they're very... artificial (basically fucking steroids?) they wouldn't fade from a lack of keep-up.

- Kamukura also rarely ever is injured, but when he does, his body heals rather fast and can care for himself adequately, because again, his body is modified to a point of almost inhumanity.

- Gender wise, Kamukura genuinely does not care. however, I am not one to think that Kamukura is "a different person" from Hinata, rather, he is separate from Hinata, but an extension of Hinata as well, proven that he experiences some of his emotions even if subconsciously and without understanding them. he isn't a different personality or person developed in Hinata's body, but a very traumatizing, repressed, and manipulated version of Hinata given a new name, with memories repressed. He's like Theseus's ship in human form---if you get rid of everything that makes someone themselves and replace it, bit by bit, is it the same person? Technically, yes, but... truly? Who knows. 

Because of this, I think Kamukura would have a leaning toward masculine gender performance (in canon, in fact, he uses the soft masculine pronoun "boku" in stead of "ore" like Hinata) BUT I think he is still very nonbinary. In a western sense, i think he would use he/they pronouns, but not really care if someone mistook him for a woman, I suppose.

- His appearance, unironically, is very nonbinary or "he/they" to me because he's wearing a suit, the archetypal form of masculinity, but has extremely long hair, which is considered feminine, and speaks softly (dully). Of course, the bishounen "pretty boy" appearance isn't uncommon or considered less masculine in japan, I think, but there is still a different between soft masculinity and rough masculinity in japan, which lends itself to being interpreted sort of gender non-conforming by western audiences :)

- Kamukura, due to his apathy, struggles with self-maintaining, but as we all probably know i am extremely attached to KamuKoma and thus headcanon that Servant helps him, sort of like a royal servant would royalty in the old days, take care of himself by bathing him, brushing his hair out, grooming him, etc. partially out of duty, partially out of appreciation for Kamukura's body, and partially out of maintaining his sort of "perfect" look since Kamukura, especially post-Junko death, is perceived widely by the public as the new leader of the ultimate despair, even if he is ambivalent to such a title.

Post-DR3 Hinata/Kamukura combined:

As I rambled on about previously, I don't think that Kamukura and Hinata are separate people or personality, I really dislike the interpretation that they are like a "split personality" or operate like DID, because they do not "form" like DID, but also in canon, are not portrayed as separate people.

In post-dr3, Hinata instead says that he is both of them, because he is. Kamukura is Hinata, always was, but had been given a new, false identity, had been stripped of his previous self, his memories, his personality, and crafted into something new. but that did not "split" his brain into two people. It simply repressed who he once was, and made him someone he now was. But when Kamukura regains his memories, his past self, through the means of the new world program by restoring his own memories after SDR2 concludes and he wakes up, as well as doing the same for everyone else, he decides to be "Hajime Hinata" who he always was, but carrying and shouldering the weight of what "Izuru Kamukura" had been, become, and done. Hinata *is* Kamukura, he answers for Kamukura's wrongdoings, his crimes, as something he had done as a different person who's mind operated differently, due to being artificially suppressed, modified, into an apathetic tool for the scientists who made him, and later and aimless, bored individual who simply sought meaning he did not have in the unknown of what despair would be at it's climax. And if hope could overcome it.

As such, I think, when Hinata's self is brought back into the mix, and he now deals with Kamukura's apathy and boredom in part, but much less consuming and much less often, I think hinata is less staunchly "masculine", does not overperform it anymore, and is trying to understand what his past means to him, what his present is, and what his future will be. I think that Hinata would still primarily use he/him (or still use "ore" in Japanese, as it's also a means of his personality, which is a bit rough around the edges and blunt), but be more ambivalent to rigid gender expression, still finding comfort and idealness in masculinity, but not be made dysphoric or feel frightened, uncomfortable, with non-comformity or anything like that. being boyish, masculine, is what he enjoys, but he's comfortable in it now, doesn't need to prove himself or overperform it. He can explore nonconformity without feeling like his gender or masculinity is at threat, even if it's not his preference outright.

Body-wise, I think it's safe to say he retains Kamukura's muscle and all, but Kamukura didn't put much effort into the everyday machinations of being a human being in general, and Hinata is much more fond of food than him now, eats more often, and I enjoy the idea that he gains a little pudge and has a kind of "dad bod" almost, post-DR3? lol.

Both for Hinata and Kamukura I don't see their bodies as “bara” or overly buff, masculine, but a kind of comfortable middle ground between twunk and hunk, lmao. I think they're also averagely hairy, not overly so, very lightly. kind of well groomed, and all. Hinata, pre-despair, put not so much effort into his appearance but still some, especially in trying to pass. (In fact I think his hair cut looks like a home job, all choppy and stuff, which fits him in my opinion, something done by his own hands even if messy and imperfect, he still prefers to be in control of it. also fits the trans headcanon tehe).

Izuru put very little if any effort into himself, only the bare minimum necessary to function, but servant helped him upkeep it to a perfect standard. Hinata, post-dr3 now, finds himself putting you know, an average amount of care into himself and his body, enough to be healthy, but not overly critical and conscious of himself.

Komaeda i have always seen as someone who takes a good deal of care about himself, merely if to alleviate the "disgust" of his appearance and body, by practically preening himself. He is someone who is good at cleaning and seems to appreciate clean and well kept spaces, so I think he would have a similar attitude toward himself. even if he is insecure, and of course, struggles with mental health and may slip at times in his routine in keeping himself well-kept, I think he still maintains an appearance for the most part, at least in his later years (teen to young adult). An argument can be made that he cared less in his adolescence because he had much more apathy about the world, but when he gave himself a purpose with hope and talent, I think he would care for himself a little better, even if his was spiralling mentally.

His hair is always washed, it is just very curly and prone to mess, so it often looks like perpetual bedhead, even when he combs and brushes it. His skin is soft even if a little worn by his tendency for accidents & injury, it's still soft and almost luckily so, and he takes pride in moisturizing and cleaning himself. His skin is a little sickly, still, and I think that despite having blemishes, scars, etc. Komaeda manages to look pretty in a strange way, not conventionally beautiful, but almost ethereal? He's just *pretty*, there's no way to explain it, he is nice to look at even with all his "flaws" and imperfections. Even when he's sickly and bony, even when his cheeks are gaunt or his hands shaky and weak, when his hair is a tangled mess or his clothes are dirty, he's nice to look at in a way that's nonconventional, and it's sort of mesmerizing.

Hinata I think is very average but also in a way that's nice to look at it. He's not ground-breaking hot or conventionally attractive, he has a good body, a nice face, and hair you could play with a little if you wanted. I think what's appealing about him is his normalcy, he's not trying too hard or "gifted" gene wise, but he's just kinda nice to look at, he's enjoyable to be around, an understanding person, or at least tries to be even when he fails, and despite having flaws, insecurities, blunt, he is someone you're drawn to because he's one of those people that's just, easy to talk to? An emotional anchor, almost. The kind of guy everyone kind of knows and has talked to at least once, even if you're not friends with him personally, not because he's cool or popular or anything, but because he's a normal dude who's easy to trust and talk to.

Kamukura, on the other hand, is intimidating, appearance wise and personality wise. he looks, strange, anything but normal, his eyes are red and his hair is this dark cloud that envelops him. His face may still be that plain one Hinata has but faces can be changed by the surrounding attributes as well as expression and such is true for him, with his apathetic and cold expression as well as otherwordly characteristics, he comes off as much more beautiful in a dark way, kind of? In a way that's intimidating or a little daunting, but he's still very beautiful. mesmerizing.

okay, thats my ramble. ty.

[bluejayblueskies]

an ill-fitting definition

rating: M words: 4.3k relationships: jongeorgie, jontim, jonmartin, background wtgfs additional tags: canon compliant, pre-canon, scottish safehouse period, canon asexual character, fluff, kissing, implied sexual content, rumors and misconceptions

written for weeks two/three of @archivalpride for the prompts identity and doubt!

cw for misconceptions about asexuality, assumptions made about somebody’s sexuality, rumors and outing somebody without their knowledge, non-explicit/implied sexual content, mention of canonical character death, mention of canonical stalking and paranoia, gossip (including of the sexual nature), food, very mild blood, mild internalized acephobia

ao3 link in source

.

It’s three weeks and two days after they began dating, when Georgie picks up Jon’s hand where it’s clasped in hers and asks with plain curiosity in her voice, so does the ring, y’know, mean anything?, that Georgie hears the word asexual cross Jon’s lips for the first time.

It’s not a word she’s unfamiliar with; she’s run in enough LGBTQ spaces in her time in uni that she has a good idea of the breadth of identities that are out there. She rubs her thumb across Jon’s ring and thinks, in the voice of the gender and equality training instructor with sharp red heels and a “fun” black dress who’d stood in front of the seminar she’d been mandated to take for one of her courses:

Asexuality. A lack of sexual attraction. An aversion or repulsion to sexual activities.

It had been a small word on a large black-and-white slide, crammed in next to aromanticism and overcrowded by a myriad of other sexual identities discussed at length. It had been… quite a comprehensive training, Georgie thinks as she quits fidgeting with Jon’s ring and instead threads their fingers together. For a moment, she considers asking what he means anyway, but she quickly dismisses the thought. She wants to be supportive, and as Jon looks at her with open, trusting eyes and a faint smile, she decides that she knows enough. She doesn’t want to make it awkward, and with things like these, she’s found that asking Jon to explain his feelings in plain terms can be… well, awkward is certainly a word for it. Best just not to bring it up, she decides.

Still, she feels the need to ask, “Can I kiss you?” because the red no sex sign blinking on and off in her head is frustratingly vague on what, exactly, is contained within that stipulation. When Jon voices his assent, she tips her head up and presses a quick kiss to his chin before kissing him on the lips, wiping the disgruntled look off them.

So yes to kissing, she thinks, tucking that away next to no sex. Yes kissing, no sex. Yes holding hands, she adds as she squeezes Jon’s hand in hers and he smiles at her, warm and soft, that special side of Jon that she only sees on occasion. No pet names, she adds a week later when she tries out sweetheart and Jon’s nose wrinkles with displeasure. No foot rubs, when Jon swats at her and says, between giggles, that he’s awfully ticklish. Yes back rubs. Yes cuddling. No PDA. No touching with wet or sticky hands. Yes brushing hair.

That’s as far as she gets before, one year and two months after she begins dating Jonathan Sims, she stops. After which point she stops keeping track, because, well. There’s really no point anymore, is there?

.

.

.

“I’m sorry,” Jon says, burying his head in his hands.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Tim says quickly, holding his hands in the air in a placating gesture. He scoots a few inches away from Jon on the couch for good measure, unsure just how much space Jon needs right now. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize—I should apologize. I should have asked first.”

“It’s just—” Jon makes a frustrated noise, and when he takes his hands away his cheeks are dark and he won’t meet Tim’s eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s okay,” Tim repeats, watching with a twisting feeling in his stomach as Jon apparently notices that the button of his trousers is still undone and quickly goes to redo it. His eyes follow the movements of Jon’s hands automatically, and just as automatically, he notes the distinct lack of a tent in the front of Jon’s trousers. The same… cannot be said for his own. Particularly after nearly twenty minutes of kissing, which Tim had very much enjoyed.

Christ, had Jon been uncomfortable with that as well? All in a rush, Tim says, “Was the kissing bad too?” Then, he winces—fuck, that sounded accusatory—and adds, “It- it’s okay if it was, I just- I didn’t know, and I don’t want to do something that makes you uncomfortable, Jon.”

“No, the- the kissing was fine, it’s just...” Jon makes an aborted motion with his hands, like he’s trying and failing to find the words.

“... complicated?” Tim supplies.

Jon nods mutely.

“That’s okay,” Tim says, and he finds that he means it. “We don’t have to do anything more than kissing if you don’t want to.”

“I- I don’t…” Jon worries his bottom lip between his teeth. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, like he’s searching for the right words, the crease in his forehead deepening every moment he fails to find them. Finally, he lets out a long, labored breath, pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers, and says, “Yes, that… that might be best.”

Tim studies Jon’s face. It’s pinched and a bit stiff, like Jon would very much like to crawl out of his skin or melt into a puddle and disappear. “You sure?” he feels compelled to ask, placing a hand carefully on Jon’s knee. “You, uh. You seem a bit unsure.”

Jon sits there a moment more, spine straight and rigid, before melting slightly against Tim’s hand, his face slipping into something more relaxed but no less unhappy. “Yes.” He hesitates a moment, then says, a bit stiltedly, “I’m, um. I’m asexual. Since we’re already talking about this, I… I may as well get that out in the open as well.”

Oh. A few pieces slot into place, and Tim says with perhaps a bit more enthusiasm than necessary, “Oh. Why didn’t you tell—?” He cuts himself off and offers Jon a sheepish smile. “Sorry, sorry. That was rude of me. Thank you for telling me.”

“We’re dating,” Jon says bluntly. “It was going to come up eventually.”

“Still.” Tim shrugs, then reaches for Jon’s hand and holds it tightly in his. “Thanks.” He hesitates only a moment before leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to Jon’s nose. Jon makes a disgruntled noise, which Tim thinks is adorable. Then, because it feels appropriate, he says, “Y’know, Danny… Danny was asexual. Aromantic too, actually. We had a big talk about it a few years ago where he sort of… laid it all out for me.” No sex, no romance, no thank you, had been the overall gist of it. Tim makes a new box for Jon and fills it in with the words no sex, yes romance, it’s complicated.

“Oh,” Jon says quietly, with that same sort of sadness in his eyes that he gets every time Tim mentions Danny, something much gentler than pity and significantly less cloying. If Tim notices the faint discomfort that accompanies it, something that whispers that isn’t my definition of asexuality, we’re not the same, you don’t understand if one were to listen closely enough, he doesn’t let on.

Tim does, however, notice the discomfort in Jon’s eyes—now mixed with anger—when two years, six months, and seven days later, he accuses Tim of murder. But by then, their days of hand-holding and nose-kissing are far, far behind them.

.

.

.

“Maybe he just needs to get laid,” Melanie says with a groan, lying on Georgie’s couch and staring at the ceiling. The Admiral is curled up on her lap, purring contentedly. She scratches absentmindedly under his chin.

“What, Jon?” Georgie appears in Melanie’s field of vision, wielding a damp wooden spoon and frowning.

“No. No.” Melanie shakes her head emphatically. “Martin. He’s been all… sulky lately. I think he’s still upset that Jon came to me instead of him for help, but I don’t know why he has to be all… touchy about it.”

“Ah. Well, you know, he is a bit hung up on Jon. At least, according to you.”

“I don’t see how that’s my problem,” Melanie says grumpily. “Besides, didn’t you say that Jon went on about Martin, like, all the time? Sounds like he’s got it bad as well. Maybe they could just… y’know.”

“Melanie.”

“What?” Melanie tries to shoot Georgie a glare, but it’s obstructed by the back of the couch. “I’m on my last nerve, Georgie!”

“I know, honey. But Jon’s really not… well, he’s not very open about these sorts of things. Getting him to talk about his feelings was like pulling teeth when we were together.”

“It still baffles me that you used to date.”

“He’s very sweet when you get to know him!” There’s a pause, a few clatters from the kitchen. “Besides, even if he and Martin got around to talking, Jon… well, he doesn’t.”

Melanie frowns. “Doesn’t what?”

“Have sex.”

“Really?” Melanie sits up, disturbing the Admiral, who lets out an irritated mrpp before adjusting himself accordingly and curling back up on her lap. “So when you were together…?”

Georgie shakes her head. “Nope. Never.”

“Huh.” Melanie thinks for a moment. “Is he like… religious or something?”

Georgie chuckles. “Jon? No, not at all. He’s asexual.”

“Isn’t that like… that thing that sponges are? Where they self-reproduce?”

“Seriously?”

Melanie scowls at the incredulous look Georgie’s giving her. “What? I’m not being a- a dick, I’ve just never heard of it before.”

“You were a YouTuber. Your job was to be internet famous.”

“Okay, now you’re just making fun of me.”

Georgie shoots Melanie a grin. “Sorry. Basically, it means that Jon doesn’t do sex. Like… at all. He just… doesn’t.”

“Huh,” Melanie says again.

“Yeah.” Georgie turns back to the stove. “Now, come here. Tell me if there’s too much salt?”

“Sorry Admiral,” Melanie whispers as she deposits him onto the floor and crosses the room to wrap her arms around Georgie’s waist from behind and take the bite of sauce on the spoon Georgie holds out for her. “Mm, tastes great. As always.”

And in the back of her mind, Melanie adds another line to the section labeled Jonathan Sims and writes, with careful handwriting, he doesn’t.

.

.

.

Although… according to Georgie, Jon doesn’t.

Martin pauses the tape and rubs his hands over his eyes. His cheeks are burning red, and he takes a few minutes to just breathe.

Doesn’t what? Doesn’t date? Doesn’t kiss? Doesn’t—

Martin stops that train of thought before it goes any further, the flush on his face growing in intensity. It’s none of my business, he tells himself as he ejects the tape and turns it over in his hands a few times before sliding it back into the small box it had come from.

He still can’t help but think about it. He thinks about it before the Unknowing, when Jon hesitates just a moment before wrapping him in a tight hug and whispering, I… I’ll be back, Martin. Then we can talk. He thinks about it when Jon’s in his coma, when Martin sits at his bedside and loses himself in daydreams and what-ifs. He thinks about it when Jon’s hand is clasped in his and he’s leading Martin out of cloying white fog and sea-salt air, his shirt speckled with bits of dark liquid that Martin tries to pretend isn’t blood. He thinks about it on the way to the safehouse, Jon leaning against his side, Martin’s hand clasped firmly in his.

He thinks about it a lot, in the confines of the wooden walls that let in the growing chill of the Scottish countryside.

Jon doesn’t.

He knows what Jon does. Jon makes him breakfast most days, eggs and toast and sometimes waffles, which Martin’s always considered a guilty pleasure but that he’s had more times in the past week and a half than he’s had for the past ten years. Jon puts his head on Martin’s shoulder when they sit on the couch and read, flipping through the dusty novels they’d found tucked in cardboard boxes underneath the bed that Jon had wrinkled his nose at but has been slowly making his way through nevertheless. Jon clings to Martin like his life depends on it when they sleep, and Martin will wake in the morning with one arm slung across his chest, a leg between his, and a sizeable portion of hair tickling at his nose.

And, nine days into their stay, Jon smiles at Martin as he shuffles into the kitchen in the morning, stands on his toes, and presses a soft kiss to Martin’s lips.

“Um,” Martin says eloquently, still half-asleep and trying to process what he’s 98% sure is their first kiss. He’d be 100% sure except for the fact that Jon kissed him like it was nothing, like it was easy, like it was something they do every morning.

The smile slips from Jon’s face, and he looks nervous. “I- I’m sorry, I should have asked first—”

“No, no, it’s- it’s okay,” Martin hastens to say, taking one of Jon’s hands in his and squeezing gently. “Just- just surprised, that’s all. I, um. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to kiss me, given that we haven’t…” He gestures absently, his face heating up. Stop talking, Martin. “Yeah,” he finishes lamely.

“Oh,” Jon says with a frown. “I… apologize for giving you that impression. I- I love you, Martin—I have no problems with kissing you.”

Warmth courses through Martin, as it always does when Jon tells him that he loves him. It all feels so unreal sometimes that he’s here, with Jon, away from it all and living in quiet domesticity. “Oh,” he says, face flushed. “A- all right, then. Great!”

“Great,” Jon echoes.

“Just- just thought maybe you didn’t—”

Martin clamps his mouth shut, face heating up more, this time in embarrassment. Shut up, Martin.

Jon raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t… what?”

“Um.” Martin rubs a hand across the back of his neck. “Kiss?”

Jon looks at Martin blankly. “Oh. Well, I- I do.”

“Right, yeah, I- I put that together. When we, um. You know.”

Jon looks amused. “Kissed?”

“Yep, that,” Martin squeaks out.

They look at each other for a moment before dissolving into giggles. Jon presses another kiss to Martin’s lips and finishes making the waffles and kisses Martin again when he hands Jon his tea, and it’s really quite lovely indeed.

So Martin adds Jon kisses to his mental list of Jon does and finds a sole remainder on the list of Jon doesn’t. And it’s fine with him, he decides, if Jon doesn’t want to have sex. He just wants Jon, in whatever way Jon will have him.

Jon doesn’t do sex, he thinks as he kisses Jon goodnight.

So, three days later, when they’re on the couch and they’ve kissed until Martin is red-faced and breathless and Jon pulls back with a pinched expression on his face, Martin assumes—with hot embarrassment coursing through him—that he’s somehow gone too far and strayed into sex territory and made Jon uncomfortable.

Then, Jon says with cheeks dark and eyes focused resolutely on Martin’s chest, “Martin, would… would you like to move to the bedroom?” and Martin’s thoughts grind to a halt.

“Sorry, what?” is all he can think to say.

Jon’s cheeks grow incrementally darker. “I am asking,” he says slowly, like the words are clunky and unwieldy in his mouth, “if you would like to have sexual intercourse. With me, of course, I- I hope that was implied.”

Martin’s aware that his mouth is quite literally hanging open in shock. He closes it quickly before swallowing and saying, “I… yeah, Jon, I- I’d love that, but I thought you—”

He clamps his mouth shut again, a touch too late. Jon’s forehead creases in confusion and he says, “I what?”

Martin hems and haws for a moment before biting the bullet and saying, all in a rush, “I thought you didn’t like sex.”

Jon’s frown deepens. “What? Why?”

And god, Martin doesn’t want to admit that he’s been thinking about office gossip for nearly a year, but he’s dug his grave—he may as well lie in it. He sighs, worries his hands on his lap, and says, “I… may have listened to a tape where Melanie said that Georgie said that you… didn’t.”

Jon looks at Martin blankly for a moment before his expression flattens into something that’s equal parts irritated and resigned. “Ah. Right. That… that makes sense, I suppose.”

“I’m sorry, Jon,” Martin says emphatically, placing his hand atop Jon’s and squeezing. “I- I didn’t mean to hear it; I was listening to the statements and it was just there.”

“No, it’s… it’s not your fault.” Jon sighs and rubs a hand across his eyes. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

“What?”

Jon makes an aborted, dismissive gesture with his hand. “I’ve… never been good at explaining my own preferences. I never did with Georgie, just… told her I was asexual and left it at that. I suppose she took that to mean that I, er. Didn’t.”

Asexual. Martin has a vague notion of what that means—he’s been in enough online LGBTQ spaces to have encountered the word before, but he’s never really looked into it much himself. If pressed, he thinks he’d also assume it meant that Jon didn’t. Something a bit guilty twists within him at that thought, amplified by his next thought that Georgie shouldn’t have assumed, because, well, that’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it? Still, he feels the need to voice it; he squeezes Jon’s hand again and says, “It’s not your fault that she just- just made assumptions about what you wanted, Jon.”

“Yes, but it’s my fault that I never corrected her.” Jon makes a face. “Or Tim, now that I think about it. I… I suppose I’m just not very good at talking about these things. Particularly because my own preferences are…” Jon’s pained expression deepens. “Christ, I don’t want to say complicated again, but there really is no other word for it.”

That’s not your fault either, Martin wants to say, but he knows Jon will just contradict him again, and he’ll repeat himself, and then they’ll just be talking in circles, and that won’t help anything. It’s frustrating, but it’s the truth. Still, Martin finds the words waiting on his lips when he opens his mouth, so he shuts it again and thinks for a moment, promising himself later. I’ll tell him later. Finally, he says carefully, “Do you… do you want to talk about it? We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I don’t want to assume.” He lets out a humorless laugh. “Well, I don’t want to keep assuming, I suppose, given that I’ve already assumed quite a lot.” Quieter: “Sorry, again.”

“It’s fi—” Jon cuts off, takes a breath. “Th… thank you, Martin.” He hesitates a moment, then says haltingly, “I- I do want to talk about it, but I don’t—” He makes a frustrated noise. “—I don’t know how.”

“Okay,” Martin says after a moment. “You said it’s complicated, yeah?” When Jon nods mutely, he continues, “Would it help if you described how you feel right now? That’s- that’s less complicated, right?”

Jon’s mouth flattens into a thin line. “I… suppose.”

“All right, then.” Martin makes a go-on gesture, then rests his hand atop Jon’s and applies a gentle pressure.

Jon takes a few deep breaths, squints at nothing, makes a few wordless noises, then says bluntly, “I want to have sex with you.”

Martin tries really, really hard not to blush, but he doesn’t think he quite succeeds given how hot his face feels when he says, “Right, okay.” His voice is a bit higher-pitched than normal; he hopes that Jon doesn’t notice. “And, um. Do you always… want to have sex with me? Or just right now.”

Jon grimaces. “That’s where it gets complicated.” He makes an I-don’t-know gesture with his free hand and says, “No? Yes? I don’t know, Martin. I’m told that not wanting sex all the time is- is normal, that- that you have to be in the mood, but apparently I’m just supposed to know when I’ll be in the mood and when I won’t be, and that- that doesn’t really work for me.”

“Are you—” Martin cringes internally, but forces the words out. “—in the mood right now?”

“Well,” Jon grumbles, “not anymore, but I was. And it’s complicated, because even if I am, I- I don’t always want to be touched, but how do you explain that to someone, how- how do you tell someone that it’s mostly no but sometimes yes and there’s a very good chance that I might change my mind halfway through and decide that it’s no after all?”

“I think,” Martin says patiently, “that you just say that.”

Jon gives Martin a look. “Martin.”

“What? It’s true!” Martin gives Jon as reassuring a smile as he can muster. “It made sense to me, at least.”

“Yes, but that’s not—” Jon makes a frustrated noise. “It’s not whether or not it makes sense, it’s whether or not somebody is willing to put up with a sexual partner who doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to want to have sex on any given day, whether they- they’ll be repulsed or interested or want to give but not receive or the other way around or- or something else that I haven’t thought of but that will likely happen because consistency is, apparently, off the cards for me entirely.”

“Hey, hey,” Martin says gently, placing a hand on Jon’s shoulder and rubbing gentle circles with his thumb. “Jon, look at me.” When Jon looks, albeit reluctantly, Martin continues, “I can’t speak for other people, and I- I can’t tell you how to feel, but I can tell you how I feel, and I… I’m willing. No, more than willing—I love you, Jon, all of you, and if this is how you feel, then I love that about you too. Whatever you’re willing to give me, it… it’ll be enough. You’re enough.”

Jon’s cheeks darken and he looks away. After a long moment, he says in a stiff voice, “Well. Thank you, Martin.” Then, a bit softer: “I… I love you too.” He looks at Martin then and offers him a small, weak smile. “It’s… well, it’s still awkward, but it’s not quite as bad—talking about all of this—as I thought it would be.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. Talk to me about it, that is.”

Jon’s smile turns a bit hesitant. “So you would really be okay if I… if I never asked again? To, er. To have sex.”

“Yes,” Martin says, without hesitation.

“Oh,” Jon says quietly. “And- and if I said that I did? Want to? That… that would be okay too? Even if I’d already said that I didn’t?”

“Yep.”

Jon looks down at his hands where they’re twisted tightly in the hem of his jumper, then back up at Martin. “All right.” He hesitates a moment, then says, “And if… if I said that I wanted to have sex… now?”

Ah. It looks like Martin’s not done blushing quite yet. “Yep, that- that’s fine with me,” he squeaks out, then cringes internally. Fine? Really?

Thankfully, Jon doesn’t seem offended; if anything, he seems amused, his mouth quirking up into a small smirk. “All right, then.” He leans forward and presses a kiss to Martin’s lips, soft and chaste and ever-so-slightly lingering before he pulls away. “I, er. I think I’d like to just kiss for a bit, though.” His smile turns teasing. “Foreplay is very important, after all.”

Martin groans and gives Jon a look, his face likely fully tomato-red by now. “Jon.”

“Need to make sure we’re fully in the mood before beginning proceedings—”

“Yes, yes, you’ve made your point,” Martin says, a giggle slipping out around the words. Then, because he’s nothing if not a little mischievous himself, he leans forward and captures Jon’s lips in a kiss, significantly less chaste and a touch more insistent, pressing until Jon is leaned back against the arm of the couch and Martin is hovering over him. Martin disengages from the kiss so he can marvel at the flushed, wide-eyed expression on Jon’s face. “Like that?” he says innocently.

Jon blinks up at him for a few seconds, like he’s not entirely sure how to process everything in front of him, before he smiles, a warm, happy thing that captures Martin’s heart entirely and steals it away. “I do believe that was adequate, yes. Perhaps you should do it again though, just to make sure.”

So Martin does. I love him, he thinks as he kisses Jon on the couch and kisses him again on the bed, kisses him in the spot between his shoulder blades where he always carries tension and in the dip of his clavicle and on the inside of his thigh. And when he’s curled up next to Jon after, he presses another kiss to the crown of Jon’s head and wraps his arms around him and quietly discards his mental lists of does and doesn’t. He’ll start from scratch, he decides, and after a moment’s thought, he comes up with two more lists, upon which it’s surprisingly easy to add item after item after item.

Jon likes to be kissed. Jon likes eggs and toast, but not jam, and likes his tea black and slightly oversteeped. Jon doesn’t like wool because he finds it itchy. Jon doesn’t like white wine, but he likes red, the kinds that are too dry for Martin’s tastes.

Jon likes Martin, and Martin likes him too. So, so much. And even when things change, when Jon finds a white wine he likes at a restaurant they visit and he takes his tea once with honey and enjoys it and he goes through a period where he doesn’t enjoy open-mouthed kisses and Martin adjusts his lists accordingly, that remains.

[chasingpj]

𝐔𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐳𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐬

"I might spread a rumor about you and Percy rendezvousing at midnight. The Aphrodite cabin will have a hoot with that one."

pairing: percy jackson x child of hecate!reader

words: 4,931

warnings: none

timeline: post sea of monsters

if you want to be tagged every time I update this story, click here

a/n: hi hi! this is part one of a self-insert series I'm working on. in this story, y/n is a child of hecate, and this storyline follows the books. the current timeline here is post sea of monsters and will continue through the Heroes of Olympus books. though it follows the original plot, y/n has her own storyline and quests. i tried to make y/n gender-neutral but as I continued to work on the timeline for this project, i had decided that this fic is for a fem reader. guys, this is really just me projecting my fantasy into fanfiction lol. i feel like this is a slow start?? and there is a lot of info dumped in this so bear with me. it'll get better and I'll be working to improve my writing as the series continues. I was on a writing hiatus for a really long time and I'm out of practice so this is my way to get back and hopefully, exceed the skills I had when I was a consistent writer. anyways, if you have any feedback, let me know! I'd love to hear what you think. as i get deeper into the series, i might ask for some suggestions on what to do with the fic. anyways, i'll stop rambling and i hope you like it!

Part One Part Two

You ignore the aching in your neck as your focus is fixed on the herbology book in front of you. You’ve been seated at your desk for Zeus knows how long reading and taking notes in your Book of Shadows, determined to finish reading it as fast as possible. Your half-brother, Alabaster, insisted that you need to memorize all the herbs and their properties before he can properly teach you how to use them in potions. Even though you understand its importance, you hated introductory work. You are itching to get to the real stuff, resulting in you glued to your chair, studying through the night as your cabin mates were fast asleep in their beds. But as determined as you are, Ambrose, your familiar, wasn’t much help. Ambrose whines as he rubs his head against your legs like a needy kitten, making it difficult to ignore him.

“What is it, Ambrose?” You whisper, sitting back in your chair in defeat. You take a second to massage the back of your sore neck before turning to face the translucent hound sitting attentively at your side. His tail sweeps the floor as it wags excitedly, and a short huff leaves his snout as if he was proud to have finally gotten your attention.

Your eyes meet his, racking your mind to figure out what Ambrose needs to tell you. At first, you thought he wanted to play, but you didn’t have time for that, so you decided to ignore him. Usually, after being ignored for a while, Ambrose will give up, finding something else to occupy him. But tonight, he was particularly persistent, and he’s only like this when he needs to tell you something.

Before you can ask what he wanted again, Ambrose gets up from his seated position, running over to the small table that stands beside your bed. You furrow your eyebrows, the first thing you notice when you walk over are your crystals neatly placed in front of your spell books as usual. Seeing them made you suddenly remember what you had planned to do.

You had told Ambrose to remind you to charge your crystals and collect water from the lake since there is a full moon tonight and of course, Ambrose being your loyal companion, did exactly that. Before looking down at the hound, who now is breathing heavily, his tail somehow wagging faster than before, you smile to yourself.

“I told you to remind me earlier, didn’t I?” Ambrose snorts and runs around your feet enthusiastically. You couldn’t help but giggle at his excitement as you reached down to pat his head. “Good boy. What would I do without you?” You continue to praise him, grabbing a black pouch and carefully placing the crystals in it. You put your index finger to your lips, signaling Ambrose to be a little quieter despite his excitement. If he accidentally wakes anyone up, then you definitely weren’t going to be able to fulfill your plans.

You bite your bottom lip as you tiptoe out of the aisle between the bunks. You look around the notoriously cramped Hermes Cabin to make sure your assumption that everyone was asleep by now was correct. It wasn’t hard to make out the faces of your cabin mates since seeing clearly in the dark was one of your many gifts, so you carefully walked along the bunks, being as quiet as you could. You are especially cautious as you approach the front where your cabin leaders, the Stoll brothers, slept. You study them for a second, knowing for sure Travis was asleep since he was snoring and loudly at that. Before you can check if Connor is asleep, you hear him shifting in his bed. You stand frozen in your spot, hesitantly looking over and you were expecting to be met with the usual mischievous grin. Instead, his back was towards you now. You have a feeling in your gut that he wasn't asleep, the timing of his moving was much too convenient. You really didn't want to wait any longer though so you decide that you might as well leave before he could stop you.

You turn on your heels, walking over to the window before you push it open. You cringe softly as the hinges creak, and you look back at the cabin to double-check if anyone has woken up from the sound. You sigh in relief when you see no one has moved, and you turn back to the window, carefully crawling out of it. This wasn’t unusual for you. You’ve done this so many times that using windows as a mode of exiting and entering a room was as natural to you as walking in and out of a door, and soon you were hopping down onto the grass. Your back is pressed against the cabin as you walk the side of it. You look up at the trees and the sky, eyes scoping around for any harpies hanging around. After deeming that you were alone, you begin making your way to the lake, Ambrose walking by your side attentively and cautiously to make sure you are safe.

The night was clear; the stars and especially the moon shone brightly in the sky. You sigh softly, taking in the stillness of the night, admiring the glistening lake reflecting the full moon placed above it. You’ve always enjoyed how quiet and cool the nights were, preferring it more than the daytime.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t avoid it as much as you wish to. Most of your siblings can agree with you that they’d prefer to sleep in most days so that they can study and practice their magic at night. However, that wasn’t the schedule of the Hermes Cabin. It was pretty impossible to sleep in since the mornings were always hectic. In fact, the cabin was just hectic, period. There was always something going on, whether it was an elaborate prank or the guys arguing over who gets to shower first after coming back from training which usually resulted in an intense game of rock, paper, scissors. You can’t say that you didn’t like it; at least you were entertained.

You also always had someone to talk to, and because there were often new campers coming in and out of there, you have easily familiarized yourself with a lot of the kids at camp. However, like your mother, you did enjoy and yearn for the occasional periods of solitude. As fun as living with the Hermes kids was, you and your siblings did find yourselves getting a little irritable at their shenanigans. It was at those times, you did wish that your mother, Hecate, had a designated cabin.

You and your siblings had always said if they ever got a cabin of their own, they would make sure everyone had separate rooms and would have designated spaces to socialize and practice their magic so that it was quiet for the most part. Alabaster, especially, was really passionate about this topic. He complained how it didn’t make sense that your mother wasn't recognized since you and your siblings were a powerful little bunch. You all needed a space to practice your magic and practice preferably at night since you were the most powerful at that time of day; you were also less prone to making mistakes in your spell casting at night. You agreed with him and would get upset about it sometimes, but the Hermes Cabin was a place you considered to be a second home. The communal feel of the space was something you enjoyed, it was one of the few places where you felt fully accepted which was rare to find being a demi-god with abilities like yours. In return to the Hermes Cabin welcoming you with open arms, you accept the inconveniently loud environment as an admirable quirk and went on with your days.

Then to compensate for the lack of silence and solitude, you would often stay up late, taking advantage of the quiet to focus on your studies. Even if you had to sacrifice the amount of sleep you got, you felt like it was worth it.

It doesn’t take you long to arrive at the dock, sitting down close to the end with your legs folded under you. You first collect lake water in a jar before carefully taking out the pouch's crystals. Assuming you had only a few left in the pouch after laying most of them on the dock, you tilt it with your hand under it, only for the crystals to come out all at once. You fumble, hands trying to bring them to your chest, but with your luck, one of your crystals falls right into the water with a plop.

“Dammit!” You peer over the edge and groan, Ambrose whining at your misfortune as he stands beside you. You look down at the water, noticing Ambrose’s and your dim reflection in it. There was no way you could get that crystal now because you didn't know how to swim, and you consider that maybe tomorrow you can convince your twin brother, Atticus, to look for it or Alabaster if Atticus refused, which you were expecting him to.

Your breath hitches at the back of your throat, jumping back as a head of dark hair abruptly pops up from right where you were staring. Ambrose barks loudly next to you, equally as startled, and your eyes widen. You stand up hastily at the realization that Ambrose's loud barks in the dead of night will catch the attention of the harpies, and right now, that was more important to you than the mysterious person that just sprouted up in the water like a zombie coming out of a grave.

“Shush! Ambrose, quiet!” Your frantic command was enough to make him stop with a whine, and you sigh shakily, turning towards the camp to check if there were any harpies.

“I think you dropped something.” Ambrose moves in front of you protectively, a low growl coming from his chest as he cautiously studies the person. You look back where the voice came from and to your surprise and your relief, you find that the mysterious person in the lake was no other than Percy Jackson. You never had a conversation with him before, but you definitely knew about him. It was kind of hard not to know who he is since he’s been the talk of the camp since he’s arrived. Your thoughts about him weren’t any different from most of the camp. You’ve seen him fight and use his powers during capture the flag, and you were just as impressed as everyone else. You did have to admit that you found him to be pretty cute too. His eyes were gorgeous, clear, and bright like a shallow, cyanic sea. You also found it adorable how his hair always looked a little disheveled.

Your (e/c) eyes met Percy’s green ones before looking at your rose quartz in his hand. You smile sheepishly, noticing the amused look on his face.

“Ah, yeah, that’s mine.” You walk over to him, but as you get closer, so does Ambrose, and his growls get louder. "Ambrose, heel. It's okay," you say softly, and he stops in his place, but his stance is still at alert, his eyes watching Percy cautiously. You pat Ambrose's head before walking past him and over to Percy. "Thanks," you smile, taking your rose quartz from his hand.

"No problem… I don't think your ghost dog likes me," Percy jokes, moving to look past your legs at Ambrose, who’s standing tall on your left side.

"Yeah, well, you kinda scared the crap out of us," you point out, amused. You take in Percy's goofy smile as he pulls himself up from the water, and you notice that he’s completely dry as he settles on the edge before turning his body to look at you.

“It’s y/n, right?” He asks, and you nod, figuring he’s probably heard about you in passing from Connor and Travis since he was friends with them too. “What are you doing out here so late?"

"I could ask you the same thing," you retort playfully, making him smile. You move to sit down where you were standing. You spread the crystals neatly on the wood, making a mental note to get them before you go to bed.

"I couldn't sleep, so I came out here to hang out, but then a hippocampus swam up. One of its friends got stuck in a fisher's net not too far from here, so I went to help," he explains, and you nod. "I told you my excuse, so what's yours?"

You hum, "It's a full moon out tonight, so I thought I should take my crystals out. I also needed moon water for a potion, so I collected some for that," you point over at the big mason jar full of lake water. "It’s not as cool as your excuse,” you say playfully.

A short laugh comes from Percy, and when you look up from your crystals, you notice he was looking at Ambrose again, who was still in his tense stance. Ambrose was especially protective of you and Atticus, and it wasn’t unusual for him to be cautious of the new people you come across. You assumed that Ambrose was particularly tense with Percy since he had successfully caught you both by surprise.

"Ambrose, relax.” You pat the top of his head to soothe him. "Lay down." Ambrose whines, licking your hand affectionately for a little, and you can tell he was still uneasy about the other. He was hesitant, but he follows your command anyway, laying down with his head on your lap.

"You can touch him?" Percy asks, his eyes wide and curious as he watches you pet Ambrose.

"Yeah, I can touch ghosts in general. My mother is Hecate, goddess of necromancy, along with magic, the night and the moon," you tell him. "This is Ambrose. My mother gifted him to me to be my familiar, kinda like a guardian." You look down at the hound, smiling softly as you scratch behind his ear softly.

Ambrose is a burly Molossian Hound who lived in the time of Alexander The Great. From what your father told you, his breed was well valued in Ancient Greek and Roman times and was often used in war. It is easy to understand why the breed was used in war. Ambrose is huge and muscular, about 6 feet tall when he stands on his hind legs, and he weighs around 200 pounds. At first, Ambrose can come off as a little intimidating. You remember how your siblings had avoided him when you first arrived at camp before they realized that he was the clearest definition of a gentle giant. Even though he was trained to fight when he was alive, he was still as gentle as a well-trained house dog unless he was given a reason not to be.

"When did you get him?" Percy asks, his eyes focusing on Ambrose’s translucent body that looked like it is made up of this gray swirling vapor. He couldn’t exactly wrap his head around how Ambrose’s head was comfortably propped up on your thigh.

"We met on the night I was on my way to Camp so about 2 years ago. Without him, my brother and I probably would have never made it to the borders.” You look up at Percy, meeting his eyes again; you watch as his face softens as he shifts to lean back on his hand.

"Really?" You hum and nod, ready to drop the conversation there, thinking you shouldn’t bore him with the details. You didn’t really like talking about it much, but the way he was looking at you made you feel like he was inviting you to continue talking.

"We got separated from our father at the gas station a couple of miles away from here. He went inside the convenience store to get us snacks, and while he was in there, a cyclops had found us, tried to grab us out of his car. We jumped out and ran into the woods nearby," you explain as you look out at the dark horizon.

You remember the sound of your father yelling after you and Atticus and how it broke your heart hearing, for the first time, such despair in his voice. You knew your dad didn’t want to bring you guys to camp, but he knew it was in Atticus’s and your best interest to come here and be with other people like you guys.

When you and Atticus started developing your powers, your father had simply told you guys that you were special and to refrain from using your telekinesis anywhere else but home. He didn’t say anything more until one night, you and Atticus had gotten in a screaming match about a reason you don’t even remember. However, in your screaming match, the both of you were so angry that a green aura had formed around you both, and books, magazines, even cutlery were being flown across the room because of the sheer energy you were admitting as a unit. It was then your father had decided to take you and Atticus to the camp to control and learn about your powers before you guys destroyed the house over a dumb argument like who’s turn is it to have the TV remote.

"We were more concerned about the monster hurting our dad, so we decided on a whim to run in the forest. My brother and I have telekinesis powers, and I aimed well enough to send a rock right at the cyclops eye. We lost him a little after that, but we didn't know where we were. We made too many twists and turns; we had no idea what direction we came from. And then, this buddy appeared out of nowhere from a distance. I saw him glowing from far away and couldn’t make out what he was, but I felt that I had to follow him. So we did, and he got us to camp with no detours for any other monsters. He's been with me ever since," you say, and a low whine comes from Ambrose’s mouth as he nuzzles the side of his face on your thigh contentedly.

Percy nods, and he huffs softly, "You guys got lucky. How old were you and your brother when you got to camp?"

"12, we're twins. We actually got here a couple of weeks after you did,” you mention. You watch Percy’s mouth curve into a half-smirk.

“Wow," he says, amused, and shakes his head. “So you have a twin and a dead dog, no fair," he jokes. You giggle, rolling your eyes playfully,

"Oh please, and you have crazy water powers. You’re completely dry after swimming! I think that's pretty envy-worthy."

"Hey-,” he shrugs, taking a second as if to form a protest. “I guess you're right,” he admits and laughs. You laugh with him, opening your mouth to say something else but unfortunately, you were interrupted by a screech echoing in the distance.

Both you and Percy stand up quickly, trying to figure out which direction it came from. “The harpies,” you both mutter in unison. You bend down to grab your things, and you look at Ambrose.

"Go distract them, bud," you tell him, and Ambrose jumps up to his feet, and you watch as he runs away, barking to get their attention. Just then, you see the wings of the Harpies coming up from the trees of the forest. You turn to Percy, grabbing his hand quick,

“Incantare: Transpectus!" You exclaim confidently, closing your eyes to envision you and Percy becoming transparent on the dock. You've never tried doing this spell before, but you've gotten better at visualizing and setting intentions, so you had some hope in yourself. You open your eyes, not feeling any different, and you hoped that you just didn't make a fool of yourself in front of Percy. But when you look down at your hand hesitantly and notice it was hard to make out since you were see-through like glass, you sigh in relief. You smile to yourself, more than satisfied that you were able to pull that off.

"Woah, are we invisible?" You look over at Percy, able to see him just fine since he was under the spell with you. Percy looks down at himself, eyes widened as he processes he can’t see his body anymore. You observe him for a second, finding it cute how he looked surprised and obviously entertained at the fact that he was completely see-through. You feel yourself growing a little flustered, trying not to focus too much on the fact that you were holding hands with him.

"Something like that. C'mon, it won’t last too long," you whisper, and your grip around his hand tightens as you guys begin running to his cabin. You hear the harpies screeching in frustration as they swoop down to try and grab Ambrose, only for their claws to go right through him. While the harpies were growing more annoyed, Ambrose, on the other hand, was having way too much fun, running in circles and barking at them as if he’s teasing.

"Man, I wish I had a ghost dog," you hear Percy mutter behind you as you arrive at the steps of his cabin.

"Yeah, Ambrose is pretty great," you admit, watching him play with the harpies before shifting your gaze over to Percy. "Thanks for getting the crystal for me." As much as you wanted to stay talking to him, you knew you couldn't stay too long. You were still eager to finish studying, and Ambrose can only hold off the harpies for so long.

"It was no problem. It was on my way up anyways," he shrugs, and you smile, trying to ignore the fluttering feeling in your stomach. You look down, the two of you still holding hands even though the spell wore off already. You awkwardly let go of his hand, shifting on your feet.

"Well, I'll see you around," you say sheepishly, fiddling with your fingers.

"Yeah, I'll see you.” His hand comes up in an awkward wave. You nod, returning the wave. Your eyes meet Percy’s green ones one more time before turning on your heels and walking down the steps of his cabin. You notice that Ambrose is now long gone into the forest, taking the harpies with him to give you time to rush to the other side where your cabin is.

As you hurry back to your cabin, you couldn’t help but smile to yourself as you replayed the interaction you just had with Percy, and you couldn't help but wonder when would be the next time you could talk to him.

You carefully hoist yourself up, climb back into the cabin through the window, sighing softly once you get in. You slowly close the window, your face scrunching at the creaking sound, but you successfully get it closed before turning around, only to be faced with Connor Stoll standing a few feet away with his arms crossed over his chest. You gasp loudly, almost dropping the mason jar in your hand, being startled for the second time tonight.

“Oh, look who’s back,” he says, his lips pulled in his usual mischievous smirk, his right eyebrow raised as if he's suspicious of you. You shift, giggling nervously under his graze,

"Hey, Con.” Shit. You knew he wasn’t asleep, and a part of you wasn’t surprised that he had caught you sneaking out again. You weren’t too worried since Connor wasn’t one to be strict or easily angered, neither was Travis, but you can understand if he did get a little upset with you since the cabin could also get in trouble, and he worried about you getting hurt.

"You leave so often, I'm starting to think you're seeing someone," he teases, and you furrow your eyebrows, not really sure what he was trying to get at.

"I'm not seeing anyone. You know what I do when I sneak out," you tell him, putting your hand out to show him the jar full of water. After being caught the first couple of times, you had explained to Connor why you occasionally needed to head out at night. He was understanding of your reasons, telling you to try and not sneak out as often. When he did catch you, he always kept your outings secret. It came with a price, though. You were sometimes stuck doing extra chores, especially anything that had to do with cleaning, since he hated doing anything that had to do with mopping or sweeping.

"So that wasn't you and Percy on the dock?" Your eyes widen, and you feel your face get hot again. You shake your head, stumbling over your words for a second.

"Uh… n- that was a coincidence!" You hear him snort, laughing quietly as if he didn't believe you. Even though he couldn't see your facial expression very well in this lighting, he can still tell how flustered you were at his sudden question.

"Yeah, sure," he says sarcastically, and he hums, "Anyways, what are you going to do for me so that I don't tell on you?" He asks, and your mouth drops open. Usually, he wasn't so forward, and he never threatened to tell on you. "I might spread a rumor about you and Percy rendezvousing at midnight. The Aphrodite cabin will have a hoot with that one."

You gasp, "Connor, are you blackmailing me right now?" You narrow your eyes at him, and he shrugs,

"I guess you can say I am." You shake your head, walking over to your desk to put down your moon water before turning toward him and crossing your arms in front of your chest.

"... what do you want?" You ask, expecting him to make you take up one of his chores. But from the way he was smiling at you, you can tell that there was something more he wanted, and you were beginning to worry.

"Help me turn the Ares Cabin into bunnies," he says, and you shake your head frantically,

"No way! Clarisse will kill me," you whisper. Connor smiles,

"No, she won't. She can't kill you if she's a bunny," he points out, and your face falls flat,

"They're not gonna stay bunnies forever," you say, and you fiddle with your fingers nervously at the idea of the outrage you'd get from the Ares Cabin after shifting back from being bunnies. "I don't know, Con. I don't even know if I can turn all of them into bunnies at once."

Connor waves his hand at you, dismissing your concern. "I don't care for the logistics now. We can work on that later, but you have to agree to at least help me," he says. "Or I'm telling everyone I saw you smooching Percy on the dock."

"What!? We didn't even kiss. We talked for like 5 minutes!" You whisper-yell, your reactions much too entertaining for him, and he was having a hard time holding in his laugh.

"Your decision, y/n."

You sigh, throwing your head back. You look at the ceiling for a second as you consider your two choices. And you decide that getting your head potentially put on a stick by Clarisse was better than the burning embarrassment of Percy thinking you're spreading rumors about kissing him. "Fine, whatever. I'll help you do the bunny thing," you mumble, your shoulders slouched.

Connor nods with a proud smile on his face for trapping you into helping him. "Good choice. I will be going back to sleep now. Good night… again," he announces, turning on his heels and walking over to his bed. You frown a little as you walk back to your desk to study. Plopping down onto your chair, you decide that you’ll worry about Connor’s little plan later so you can focus on your studying. After a while, Ambrose comes trotting in, joining you by the desk as usual. You smile at him, praising the other for distracting the harpies for you before he lays down, his head laying on your foot.

As you study, you find that you couldn’t help your mind drifting back to Percy once and a while. You deem that there was no way that you could have a crush on him since you guys have only spoken once. In the midst of your internal debate to decide what you felt for him, you suddenly remember the crystal that was retrieved for you. You remember how Percy presented it to you, holding it out for you with his fingertips. It was your rose quartz. What a coincidence. You smile, rolling your eyes as you tell yourself that you’re thinking too much into it. You look over, noticing the dim illuminating light of the beginning sunrise shining through the curtains. You sigh, deciding that you should probably get to sleep and take advantage of the maybe, four hours of sleep you’ll get tonight. You close your herbology book before making your way to your bed, and with a soft sigh, you retreat under the covers, and finally, you surrender to your drowsiness.

masterlist

[thanks-mike-stamford]

Fics that inspire my writing - Part I

This is Part I. The other parts will be linked here as they are posted: Part II | Part III

When people ask "What's your favourite fic?" I can't truly give an answer. It depends on my mood! How can I choose only one? Sometimes you want to reread that one fic for emotional comfort, sometimes you want that other one for the hots, sometimes you want to suffer a bit with the characters and have the relief of the happy ending, and sometimes you love a fic so so so much, but it hurts and you don't pick it up again ever. There's no way I can choose a favourite.

So this is just a disclaimer that this list is not really about favourites.

This list is about writing.

I'm not as prolific as a writer than I am as a reader. I try to do my best, of course. The best way to learn a lot about writing, though? I have to say it's reading. I can attribute most of my vocabulary (in all languages I know) to reading. When talking about writing fiction, it's more than vocabulary, though: narrative, prose, dialogues, plot, characters, themes... It's a lot happening.

These fics I'm going to mention are the ones that I read and think yo myself: oooh, I wish I could write like that. So I use them to study! Perhaps I could try this type of narrative? Or I could build my characters to be complex in this way? Perhaps I could phrase things in a less mechanical way, like this author does?

I'm drafting a lot of stuff recently and in these new works I'm trying to improve the way I write. I'm a quick reader but slow writer, but I hope my future works can show I learned from these stories below.

So, here we go, 10 Fics That Inspire My Writing, in no particular order. This list is not exhaustive either, it was horrible to choose just 10.

Part I

Limping forward series by bendingsignpost

I absolutely love this series, which is a main fic from John's POV and a short prequel from Sherlock's POV, supposed be read after the main story. I'll refer to the main story from now on.

This fic is dialogue-heavy. The moments of description are usually very close to the POV, and while it's used to indicate actions, the main purpose is always to show what John is feeling by how he interacts with whatever and whoever is around him. Sometimes we are left with dialogues that are not explicit. The characters know exactly what they mean, by the described reactions, but the reader is left to wonder - or most importantly, to actually think about what they mean given the context. The fic feels almost like an intelectual exercise in which we practice how to read people's feelings. The climax of the fic doesn't come from a misunderstanding that can be fixed with a conversation, for example. It comes from an emotional misunderstanding, and it's brutal, because there's no way it couldn't happen. Both John, Sherlock, and the reader need to understand the meanings behind the actions - if you have a bias or trauma, it can be hard. Sherlock's deduction at the climax scene comes from an emotional perspective - he deduces how John felt, and that would finally explain John's actions, which weren't clear for him. Just like Sherlock says in the story - it's magnificent.

These two aspects - dialogue with implicit meaning and description with a purpose - are aspects I lack in my own writing. I struggle immensely with dialogue, and my descriptions are usually "Character A is here or there, talking to B or C, and they're thinking X or Y". I look up to how this fic works in trying to get better, and I did try to incorporate those "invisible conversations" into my works.

The Illusion of Control series by starrysummernights

Uuuh, omegaverse! Not everyone's cup of tea. I love omegaverse though, for two reasons: you can create completely different world dynamics and sex/gender dynamics, and play with it.

This series needed to be a series. Every part is important. We have alternating POVs of John and Sherlock. If you read the series as a WIP, as it was posted, you could have been under the impression that it was strictly porny. But it helps a ton to read it following the chronology of the story (the prequels and sequels to the original one were attributed accordingly). Because the trick of this series is John's character arc. We are immediately presented with John's life story since childhood until he starts a relationship with Sherlock. He has endured great emotional trauma, but at first he doesn't even recognise he has been traumatised. Lifelong issues build up and eventually will spill over. It's not quick to deal with it, that's why it needs a full series. His relationship with Sherlock deepens, he needs to make some important choices, he faces great struggles. And step by step, we follow John's journey. It's absolutely brilliant to get there. It hurts, but it hurts good. And it's nobody's fault, at the end. He's not reduced to his issues, he's an entire complex person, but we are always aware how said issues played an important role in shaping this character.

Writing such a long story, posting it out of chronological order, and not losing sight of the character arc is what makes this fic stand out. One of my published fics specifically took great inspiration in this one while building a character arc for John.

Trying to Find The In-Between by NoStraightLine

Later on this was re-posted as a multi chapter fic, but I originally read it as a series when it was a WIP, and personally I think it works better this way.

This amazing work taught me a lot about causes and consequences. I think the entire series can be grouped in three parts. First part is the beginning of their relationship. They are learning about each other, playing piece by piece like a puzzle. Then second part is around Reichenbach Fall, they separate and emotional fuckery ensues, up until Sherlock comes back, the pinnacle of angst. Third and last part is them relearning each other from scratch. The relationship needs to be completely different - and they don't even know if they will get together after all, if it will ever work again. And here's the main point: it's not a single decision that warrants consequences. They had a super intense relationship at first - but if you go too high, the fall is worse. Everything is borderline unhealthy, but it could easily be attributed to love. The author doesn't shy away from showing us it's a bit of both: big love can be a bit unhealthy. To put up boundaries between them so they both keep sane you also need to limit how you treat each other, and what you expect from each other.

This fic made me think I need to estimate the consequences of how I build up characters' interactions. The reactions need to be accordingly to that measure. In one fic I tried to play with this intensity ended up being borderline unhealthy. Not something you'd want in real life, of course, but in fiction... anything is possible.

This is the end of Part I. Stay tuned for Parts II and III!