#i tried to do more injections of symbolism and ideas. but god she was just fun to dream of

[sillyfairygarden]

there's magic everywhere you go

[yanderes-stuff]

5; 8 and 9 please and nsfw is optional.

Yes, the feral trio I never did a poly yandere before, and sorry for being so late school was holding me at gunpoint

P.s it's 1:43 am where im at and I got zoom at 7:10 I'll edit the grammar mistakes later but I didn't want you to have to wait any longer

Characters: Skully, Masky, Hoodie

Words 5k 

TW: yandere thoughts, cussing, kidnapping, drugging 

You met Jay during college when the teacher put you both together for a school project, you got to have a good read on his personality with Jay, being a curious goofy character with a charming atmosphere surrounding him.

After a while, you decided to start the project filming causal nature. you both shared a passion for nature being calmed by the forest, and the woodland creatures which made you closer. After a while, you noticed that he would rarely talk to any of his other friends in favor of talking to you.

This led to many intervals where you caught him staring at you during class and followed you around like a puppy which although made you irritated you brushed it off thinking nothing of it, after all, it's just goofy Jay being Jay.

But alas he fell victim to your charm the conversations he had with you stuck with him and the moments where you were in his presence kept him going till the next day, you reached his heart unlike anybody else he met, and he lived for you alone perhaps it was the way you carried yourself through the gloomy days or the way you were more kind-hearted than anyone he ever met.

He longed to catch your eye and make you laugh but certain feelings were starting to stew inside him whenever he caught your friends talking to you especially if they were putting their hands on your beautiful body and even if they did so casually it made him infuriated he believed that he should be the only one that should be graced by your presence not them

After all, you never knew their intentions but he had a gut feeling they weren't good they didn't love you they only loved you for your looks and looks alone but he loved everything about you and he didn't know why but alas he had friends who were close to you those friends being Brian and Tim his colleague's since high school 

However, he had to obtain your affection and warmth to protect you so he wormed his way into your dating life because he had known your crush had his dark secrets that he cheated on his exes and he just couldn't let this snake wrap his suffocating coil and sink his poisonous fangs into you for his esteem 

So to resolve this fear of his he followed him home in the dark and threatened to shoot him if he didn't avoid you like a plague but without his knowledge, he didn't know that he was being watched by none other than Tim who mentally noted with haste that he's not the only one who took a liking to you and strolled out of Jay's sight before he could notice him

Relief washed over as he went back to his secret home surrounded by woods away from his lonely college dorm comforted by the fact that the guy that tried to use you had been put in his rightful place now thanks to him all he had to worry about now was the fact that his other friends also shared a connection with you that was too close for his liking 

You were his everything now and while he still cherished his friends he wasn't going to let either of them have you even if it put him in danger of course you only saw the good in people and that would include Tim and Brian which he would grow to admire but it would also make him nervous but despite that he knows you love him and he had to make a move quickly to prove he's the only right one for you

Oh how he longed to be anything that would make you happy and today being Valentine's day he promised himself this was going to be the day he asks you out and you'll say yes or at least he certainly hoped you would he grabbed a few things from the store some gifts he hoped would win your appreciation but he had a thought cropped in his mind what if you rejected him and if you did do such a thing how distraught he would be 

He waved away those thoughts in his mind trying to convince himself he played his cards right after all he frightened any competition away from you while making sure to be by your side at every moment you needed him the thought of your gentle voice accepting his confession of love made his uneasy mind now calm and focused 

Once he reached the school province he took the bag of gifts consisting of chocolates of your favorite brand and bouquets of lovely crimson flowers that are a symbol of his love for you he was finally ready to be your lover and he sure as hell hoped you were too as that thought passed his mind he peeked his head around the corner to your dorm 

What he saw made his blood boil and felt a violent sensation he couldn't understand at the time and what he witnessed was Tim brushing his lips against your while caressing your cheek with his rough hand you weren't flinching away but rather leaning in into the troublesome kiss he didn't know Tim could do this he thought he made it clear that she belonged to him

Tim look so entranced by the way your chest raised and fell in sync with his own as he leaned closer with his arm bending above your head caging you against your dorm door 

While Jay was peaking he noticed that Tim had a card with a heart placed on in front of it in one of his hands 

He quickly pieced together that he had gotten to you first before him as he felt despair overwhelm him why did you have to love Tim of all people he quickly grabbed the gifts and descended the stairs as quickly and quietly as possible at the same time he felt hot tears stain his bitter cheeks that day he drove back to his home weeping 

But as he stepped inside an environment of misery following behind him as he sat down on the sofa he didn't think he'd have the guts to kill Tim but little did he know that someone else was in the room with him that individual being Tim and although he didn't want to admit it

Tim planned to kill Jay ever since he witnessed him threaten to kill his old crush since you confessed about liking him which was a big mistake on your part but Tim was glad Jay took care of him but now he had to kill Jay but he acknowledges he didn't want to at all but Tim was afraid of what Jay was capable of when it comes to his unstableness

He knew Jay was infatuated with you and that he's been getting more and more unusual as you continued to spend time with him and he started to dissociate with Brian and Tim which was starting to get concerning because Jay was starting to become extra dependent on your affection to distract him from all the chaos going on in his life

But Jay himself was starting to take drastic measures to prove himself to you and Tim never thought Jay could be capable of violence but he's seen firsthand that he the man that he thought wouldn't harm an insect was contemplating murder out of love 

 

So with guilt, he grabbed his firearm and stared as Jay slowly was lured into a deep slumber he slowly opened the oak closet door so that it was vastly ajar and he tiptoed quietly towards Jays sleeping form beads of sweat was beginning to form on his forehead

Once he loomed over the trembling man's resting figure his silhouette casting a shadow over him his hands shook as he raised the revolver to Jay's temple and his finger was on the trigger there was a small click followed by a thunderous bang 

The gory sight of Jay would be etched into his mind for the rest of his life but it would be worth it to protect you but he had to admit it he for some reason felt relief in his mind and another feeling that was off it was a euphoric adrenaline rush he noticed that he was still shaking and realized that he should evade the scene as quickly as possible back to you

You were sleeping so soundly in Tims dorm and Hoodie thought your sleeping form was so beautiful so vulnerable he's been watching you for a while through Brian and he thought this would be the perfect moment to steal you away after he saw the note Tim wrote a letter to you inviting you to come to his place for valentines day 

How romantic of him too bad Hoodies going to whisk you away now he recalls seeing you and Tim go on a dinner date in Tim's kitchen he prepared your favorite dish the reason he knows this was because he placed cameras in more secretive places to check on Tim and his episodes when he would become Masky and go out to do God knows what 

Hoodie knew Tim was trying to keep he alter personality a secret from you as well as hide his more obsessive side when he would become Masky he would stalk you and take pictures of you going about your day and attach it to his wall later to look at when Tims feeling emotional which Tim had to compile in a box the day previously so you wouldn't freak out at him

Which Hoodie would probably have to steal along with you was a thought that came across his mind as he prepared a syringe with an unknown liquid inside of it from underneath Tims mattress he watched the scruffy brunette man got up and picked up a revolver from the drawer with his pale hands and walked out making sure to keep the gun hidden from anyone's view 

Once he was out of sight propped up upon his shoulders he began crawling out from under the bed as quietly as possible as not to disturb your sleep as he stood up gazing upon your softly snoring form as he was searching for the perfect spot to prick your neck with the fluid once he found it he punctured the soft flesh injecting the liquid in your bloodstream you awoke for a second not long enough to examine him but only to be held down by the powerful man as he clasped his rough fingers around your both your wrist 

"Shhhhhhh [Name.] baby just relax" he mumbled somewhat gently with a smug smile etched on his face, his thoughts instantly twisting into ideas of what he was going to do to you when you finally got back to where you truly belonged. "Everything is going to be just fine."

As soon as the drug invaded your mind and your world faded once again at the same time he hastily took you into his arms and started his journey back to his abandoned cabin into the darkness of the night and when he reached his own home he settled you in the bed in his room with ropes gripping your hands attached to the old oak foundation of the bed as he snuggled into your warm body once he was feeling bold as the night proceeded

"I've been wanting to do this for a fucking real long time." He mutters under his breath into the crook of the cozy soft flesh of your neck "Best part is that he doesn't know where I live so he can't take you away."

Tim didn't know what the hell could've happened while he visited Jay but all he knew was that something was wrong and now you were missing with no signs clues of to where you might be it was only when he found a note under the blankets with just three words that made his blood run cold 

She's mine now

Now he knew has an idea of who could've done it Brian has been strange as well lately by giving death glares to him when Tim tries to flirt with you not only that but he seemed to be more encouraging of Jay's stalkerish behavior Tim now realized the mistake he made earlier by leaving you alone to murder Jay before he could murder him Tim believed the only reason Brian was nudging Jay to stalk you was to get Jay to stop bothering him and let him live in peace but now that Jay was dead there was no other suspect left but Brian 

As he was piecing together what could've transpired he heard a buzzing coming from his cell phone he took the phone in his hand while the faint glow of light was still emanating when the device as he saw the message from none other than Brian with a string of numbers possibly coordinates to his location where he kidnapped you from him while he was busy

His breath started to get more uneven with his eyes dilating out of fear while thoughts flew past his mind about your safety he was started to hold himself with his hands gripping diagonally at his upper arms while the fabric of his flannel creased as a reaction to his strength he started to tremble not out of distress but resentment his knuckles started transforming into a snowy white from how hard he was clenching his fist

His mind was beginning to feel fuzzy as his own thoughts were starting to get quiet but the static in his mind was getting only louder followed by a loud booming voice that was starting to overtake him again but this time he welcomed it as he didn't know what other actions he could take

Once it finally overtook him a sinister simile was plastered upon his parched slips he was going to get you back and slaughter Brian as atonement for stealing you and maybe keep you in the cabin away from the violence and then he would fix everything thus you would belong to him

"Fuck Brian you know I'd do anything to protect [Name.] anything for her to be mine." He growled under his breath, eyes now focused on the porcelain mask with dark circles around its eyes with eyes knitted up in what appears to be suprise and pitch jet lips on the wall he told you was just for decoration "You're about to regret what you've just done." He remarks followed by a deep huskier chuckle

He clutches his handgun yet again and sets off on a search to locate the coordinates stepping into his vehicle and sliding in the keys before turning it to start the engine and pulling out of the college campus parking lot now focusing on the road in front of him and driving into the nightfall as to not be discerned by anybody 

When he finally reached the trail to the cabin he started sprinting his way to whatever location Brian had sent him he had no time to waste following a trail of footprints of crunched leaves and snapped twigs on the surface of the ground floor when he finally reached the window of the cabin he stood and pressed an ear to listen for activity in case Brian was preparing an ambush for him in one of the rooms 

He heard the sound of a struggle and the sounds of thuds something else that he couldn't quite make out but it was still extremely worrying 

Bam...bam...bam! "AARGH!"  followed by a thunderous crackling of somebody he couldn't make out the voices clearly but he could at least assume what's occurring...what if it was Brian hurting you because you did something that made him extremely furious if that were the case he'd have to come and rescue you but at the same time he'd have to keep his alter ego a secret to avoid your concern for him

He quickly wrapped his fingers around a nearby rock and launched it directly at the cabin glass window instantly shattering it to sharp pieces and stepping through it carefully and at that moment he could make out masculine yells coming from the room in front of him now he is certain the voice wasn't actually you much to his relief 

As he more steps towards the door intertwining his fingers against the knob of the old wooden door and twisting while at the same time putting his strength against the ancient oak entryway he could still make out another familiar yet unknown voice furiously screaming along with Brian shouting among all the commotion which fueled his yearning to harm Brian for bringing both you and him into his annoying scheme even moree

Then as he walked inside the miserable room with the white paint heavily chipping away following that sight he witnessed Brian in a vibrant orange yellowish hoody stained in certain places with what appears to be blood along with a pitch-black fabric mask covering the entirety of his head beside the hood that was pulled over his head another thing he noticed on the material placed on Brian's face was a red frown along with crimson pinpoint dots for eyes additionally just plain worn out jeans that looked to be somewhat dirty he realized that this wasn't actually Brian but his alter ego whose name was unmistakably known to him as hoodie but he was still going to execute him nonetheless for possibly harming you 

But the other figure straddling Brian clutching a cell phone above him  looked somewhat familiar with a coffee brown leather jacket with a black hood that was also above his head he noticed the man's jacket happens to also be tinted in particular spots with that easily recognizable red liquid in addition to this he wore a mask that resembled that of a skeleton with two rows of square teeth and dark circles on both of the holes where his eyes would be with eyebrows that looked to be expressing with curiosity 

"Give me back my phone right now you fucker!" Brian hissed eyes glaring up at the man on above of him trying to get to pry the man off him "And get the fuck off of me!" He added with a hint of irritation 

"SHE'S MINE SHE'S MINE YOU CAN'T HAVE HER SHE'S MINE!" The man snarled in an outrage his tone obviously hysterical as he raised his other fist preparing to hit Hoodie with a flurry of punches aimed at his already bloody face

As Masky stepped closer to the scene there was a painfully audible creak and both men stopped for a second before their head began tilting over to Masky's direction than the mysterious man spoke his words flowing out of his mouth like fluid 

"Well...well...well remember me?" He implored Masky swiftly changing his tone from outrage to relaxed while staring at him intently still with that emotionless mask whilst Hoodie kept swatting for the man to get off of him 

"No who the hell are you and did you send me that text." He questions feeling himself getting more disgruntled with this confusing situation he opens his mouth to speak once again "And where is [Name.] What did you do to her!?" His eyes gaze directly at the unusual man 

"Oh, you don't recall me, your friend? that you shot dead in my own home!" The man glares and scowls at Masky the unpleasant memory started to rise in his mind again "You took my love then you took my life and now I'm back for vengeance" 

"Jay?" Masky grumbled, "there's no way I killed you, why aren't you dead?!" He shouted his mind racing with questions maybe he was just hallucinating this whole predicament 

"Close im Skully, but about your little question I'd rather not answer that." Skully answered back Hoodie now was panting under him from a combination of him being crushed under his weight and his failed attempts to injure Skully with his sore bloody knuckles

 

Hoodie was beginning to feel lightheaded from only getting to inhale so much oxygen just when he thought he was about to black out Skully stood up with his eyes boring into Maskys then Skully spoke

"I'm going to...kill you then I'll kill hoodie then she'll be mine all mine." Skully's breathing started to hitch and become heavier like a bear's breathing as he slowly took a step towards Masky "it's going to be all okay everything's going to be fine it's about to be the way it should be."

You started to thrash around in your bounds fortunately to you it was becoming looser you tried to observe the darkness of the environment around you to tried to find a way to escape back to safety there were windows but they were boarded up but there was an old door which caught your eye as you limped over to it still sore from the burns of the rope that felt like a harsh heat

As you wrapped your hand around the knob and pushed you heard the conversation of people in the next room so then out of curiosity you put your ear to the door you could make out a thickly deep voice and some the sounds of some light coughing along with Tims's voice which filled you with both relief and fear

Because on one hand, Tim is here to save you from this place but on the other what if he got wounded by that other man after thinking about what to do in this situation for a minute that felt like an eternity you decided it would be best to step into the room help Tim beat that man and escape with his help and call the authorities

As you stepped into the room everybody peered in your direction you caught a good look at them one being Tim with his dark brown hair and yellow jacket and worn jeans and a white mask covering his face with what looks to have dark lips and circles encasing the holes meant for the eyes the man in front him looked a bit similar 

He has a tan leather jacket with a raven black hood and the same worn pants and a white mask white rectangular teeth and the same dark circles around the eyes as Tims but this time with the same eyebrows settled in a surprised manner in your direction as if they were startled by you waltzing in the room

And then finally there was that easily recognizable sound of Brian's roughly breathing you heard in your sleep but right now he was on the floor laid flat with blood with a yellow orangish cloth hood along with ordinary jeans and a black cover mask with crimson red frown and two dots for eyes above it

"What's going on! who are you?" You questioned loudly, eyes flickering around the room. you were wondering why they were in costumes was Tim in on this sick circumstance?

"I'm here for you my beloved and im Jay but...in a different form," he announced casually as he made a fist and pointed his thumb to his face "My names now Skully" 

You were confused because Skully didn't look like Jay whatsoever he was taller and his voice was a lot deeper almost in a chilling way and his figure looked to be more stronger than Jay with his broad shoulders but the only thing that was the same about him was the way he spoke 

"[Name.] Give me a minute to deal with him. I won't be needing your help." Masky sighs casually trying to weave away in his mind to distract Skully so your as least scared as possible 

"That's quite a rude way to talk." Skully quickly brought out his hand and grabbed his pocket knife from out of his jean pocket while using his other hand to clench Masky's throat blocking his airways while Masky started making choking sounds trying to struggle out of his grasp 

"If you kill him I won't ever love you!" You blurted out of desperation trying to save your lover from getting his throat slashed from Skully's blade your eyes now are being focused on Tims trembling body

Skully faltered at this his breathing now became even more intense then he dropped Tim with a dull thud then he started to clutch his arms and rocked himself ever so slightly back and forth in an attempt to comfort himself from your words

While Skully was distracted Hoodie who was now back to full willpower  hastily got up as quick as possible and clenched Skullys knife from behind and had it now hovering over Skullys throat Hoodie didn't say a word and just when he was about to make the slit you perked up

"No, don't kill him either for the love of God!" You cried out you didn't believe that what Skully possibly done was right but that doesn't mean you want him to perish you took a quick breather before continuing "Don't or else I be able to love you either" 

Instead of trying to comfort himself in an attempt to forget your words he just gave a disappointed sigh and slowly backed away from Skully while he raised his hands in surrender secretly smirking under his mask now comforted that you saved him

Masky was now staring at Hoodie already reaching in his pocket for his handgun but before he could you interrupted "That goes the same for you too Tim."

And with that, he stopped in his tracks and looked from Hoodie to you with a blank stare so you couldn't be able to get a read with how upset he was that you would say such a thing especially when it was Hoodie that did this to you and dragged him into it 

"Actually I got an idea," Hoodie speaks enthusiastically eyeing everyone in the room chuckling as ideas resurfacing in his head then smirking to himself "If [Name.] Hates it when we're at each other's throats then let's just share her"

Skully had a thousand-yard expression yard stare then he uttered "Actually as much as I hate sharing I'd rather share than be genuinely despised by my sweetheart."

"I'm going to be honest I'm tired of me and [Name.] Getting stressed by college and...I would rather spend more time with her" Masky spoke softly yet reluctantly while his eyes glanced at yours lovingly "And I'd prefer not to kill my friends despite what they've done" 

your lips started to depart to talk attempting to sound stern but your voice came out meek "I'm not sure about this." Your stare now focused on the floor and not any of the men in front of you who on the other hand were staring right into your eyes

Now your mind was frantic on one side how are you supposed to split your affection between three of the closest people in your life all the time and also you loved Jay and Brian as a friend and maybe Tim as a lover but you didn't want them to be at each other's throats especially Skully since he appeared to be tougher than the other two men another thing to note is that all three of them could easily hurt you although you can sense that they didn't want to

But what if they forced you into this scenario if you resisted would they punish you or your family so with that last thought in mind you decided it would be best to accept their offer after all it would be selfish to have somebody dying just because you resisted their demented obsession with you and after all…maybe you'll learn to love them over time

So trying to hide the anxiety in your voice and the heat on your cheeks you spoke loudly enough for them to hear "I've decided that your offer is for the best so I'll accept." their face lit up at your words

Skully was the first one to step towards you at a slow pace as he wrapped his arms under your own in a warm tight embrace whilst he put his chin atop your soft hair 

Then Hoodie came trapping you in a side hug nestling into your shoulder while you could feel him against your skin grinning ear to ear through the mask 

Then there was Masky who came up from behind and settled his rough hands down on your shoulders then he bent down to kiss the back of your neck which made you jolt in surprise in response to this he just chuckled then he bent down and put his arms under your legs and swept you off your feet while the other two men backed off now carrying you bridal style 

Then he started to head back into the bedroom where you woke up in taking the lead while the other two followed then setting you down gently atop the soft oak bed while Hoodie reached for something underneath the bed much to your dismay while you were caged in the middle of the bed between Skully and Masky then Hoodie stood up with a syringe in hand while Masky snaked his arms over yours so that your arms were to your side and you were pulled flush against him feeling him purring against your neck while Skully began to stroke your hair with one hand in an attempt to calm you while his other hand was tracing patterns on your thigh

Hoodie slowly came on top of the mattress putting a finger to his lips while silently shushing you not to struggle as you felt the familiar prick of your skin as your sight began to fade and turn black 

"Shhhh love you made the right choice we're so glad but now is the time you get your rest." Was the last thing you heard from Masky's lips before you fell into a deep sleep.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #422

“i will not become a figure of my mistakes  /  i will not become the mask that is not my face”

Have you ever been told you were a good writer? I've been told that's one of my "gifts." What do you put on your baked potatoes? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits. Gooood shit. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab Smolders play Parasite Eve. Love that game to bits, and I really enjoy how she has a legitimate appreciation for it despite its age. It's so great watching her fall in love with a game she knew nothing about. Did you ever have braces? Yes. Are you afraid of flying? I acknowledge the risks of it, but I don't really actively fear it. Are you short? No; I'm your average height for an American woman of my age. Have you ever used a fire extinguisher? No. Would you want your future children to date someone like you as a teenager? I was a fine teenager, so sure. Are you unhappy at the moment? That's quite the understatement. When’s the last time you got in trouble with your parents? *shrug* How many children do you want? None. It's funny though, I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a daughter I of course named Alessandra. Have you ever watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians? No. Do you have any career ideas in mind? I have no desire to talk about this right now. Do you have any gay friends? Yeah. Are you gay yourself? I'm bi. Are you doing anything this weekend? Of course I'm not. But that's a surprise to nobody. How many brothers do you have? One. Do you like Mexican food? Only very few things. What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Oh man. Some are family pets more than hers, but regardless, there's Buster, Beasley, Winter, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Doris, Raisha, and a bunch of other fish. Did you go to work today? I don’t have a job. .-. How old are you? How old do you act? 25. I think mentally I'm capable of acting older, but as far as "being an adult" goes, taking care of mature responsibilities, I'm a child. What size shoe do you wear? I... haven't worn anything but flipflops in so long that I barely know. I want to say an 8? 7 1/2 depending on the shoe? Are there any spiders in your room right now? I dunno. What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art, for sure. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Dory. Are there any framed pictures of you in your house? With my sisters, yes. Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested. Do you need to shave? My legs look like a gorilla's. My armpits, slightly. I shave them every time I shower, so I'll shave them soon. Are you wearing makeup right now? No. I never do nowadays. Do you know anyone named Laura? Not off the top of my head. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? A few things. How many living grandparents do you still have? None. What are your plans for the rest of the day? Nothing, really. I hope I read today, though. I haven't the past couple days and I refuse to totally lose my habit of it again. How many times have you been sick this year? None. What colour is your toothbrush? White. Do you have a favourite author? No. How long do you usually take in the shower? Barely even 10 minutes. I do nooot understand how some people take so long. Clean yourself, get out. Like I get it if you're shaving or doing "extra" stuff besides washing your hair and body, but generally, how???? Have you ever worked in an office? No, but as I prepare to job search again, that's what I'm aiming for, I guess. It sounds like something I (including my legs, given I'd be sitting) could possibly handle. But yeah, you need experience in absolutely everything nowadays to get any job, it seems. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? Yes. Have you ever kissed anyone under the mistletoe? I actually don't think I have. What’s your go-to activity when you’re bored? Watch YouTube. Who was the last person you texted? The lady who works in my psychiatrist's office to verify my next appointment date. Do you see yourself married in the next five years? Probably not, really. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Barely over five minutes, or less, depending on what I have to do. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Have you changed much this year? I haven't changed at all. And that's not a good thing. Is there a girl that you truly hate? A corner of my mind says yes. Even though I have no right to. Do you have any candles in your room? No, but I do have a wax warmer. Have you ever had to dial 911 before? A couple times for Mom. What’s something in your past that you’ll always remember? I'm almost certain even dementia couldn't take away my memory of the breakup. Did you have a good birthday this year? Yeah, it was good. How many people have told you they were in love with you? Two. Do you find smoking unattractive? Yes. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? I eat way too fast, but I literally can't figure out how to change it. I try to slow down, but it just... doesn't stick. It's so engrained in me as a habit. Do you remember how you felt on 9/11? I was too young to remember this. What do you think of people who always wear make-up? You go for it, you look great. What’s a smell that absolutely makes you gag? Severely decaying roadkill is very high on the list. Is there a smell that gives you headaches? Gasoline. What about one that reminds you of the past? Play-Doh, for one. Childhood things like that. Also like those really fruity lip glosses, etc. What’s your least favorite thing about summer? The fucking heat and humidity. What’s your least favorite thing about the holiday season? The knowledge I don't have the money to buy like anyone presents. Especially my niece and nephew. Mom helps me buy something for them, but still... I feel like such a bad aunt that I can't do it myself. Other than yourself, who knows you the best? Whoever reads these, probably, ha ha. Do you have any embarrassing qualities and, if so, what are they? I'm just awkward in general. What’s one complaint that you have about school? Common Core. It's awful. What do you do while you’re on campus but not in class? I would just go to the library and do stuff on my laptop. Do you know anyone who has Autism/Asperger’s syndrome? Yes. It's questionable that I myself may have high-functioning autism. Has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you? Yeah. Are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not? Yes, because I'm bisexual. Have you ever dressed like or worn clothing belonging to the opposite sex? I would wear Jason's pj pants sometimes. Have you ever found yourself to be ugly? I've always believed I'm ugly. Have you read the Twilight series and do you like it or dislike it? I never read the series or watched the movies. Have you been on any type of online messengers today? I've used Discord to message Sara. What is your state’s minimum wage? $7.25 an hour. Disgusting. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. If you eat eggs, how do you eat them? I only enjoy scrambled eggs or omelettes. When you’re upset, do you vent to people or do you keep to yourself? Nowadays, I tend to keep it to myself or vent through surveys. Have you ever watched a meteor shower? No, but I would love to. Do you like Slim Jims? OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSS. I want one now. What’s your opinion on the color turquoise? I think it's very pretty. Have you ever been in a castle? Only the Disney World one. When you were little, did you ever play with Play-Doh? Of course! I loved doing that. Would you rather write a mystery or love story? Hm... probably a love story. Are you afraid of getting shots? Kind of. I just hate the feeling of the medicine being injected, and long needles puncturing skin makes me want to squirm a bit. Needles in general though, I'm not afraid of. Would you ever run away and get married with no notifications to your family? Uh, no. I'm close with my immediate family and would want them to know. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so very boring, not to mention I would feel WAY too awkward. Who was the last person who unexpectedly texted you? No one unexpectedly texts me. Have you ever voluntarily read the Bible? Some of it. Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? Many times. Do thunder & storms scare you? Actually, since I started having recurring tornado nightmares, I started to sort of fear them again. What are two foods you think only taste good with whipped cream? I hate whipped cream. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? Cheeseburgers. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? No. Would you ever think about doing porn? NOOOOOOOOO, even if I was in good shape. Would you ever cheat on someone if they cheated on you? No. That's not going to fix anything. Do you like getting jewelry or do you not wear any? I don't mind it, but I don't really wear it. When you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats? Once or twice. He was a... troubled kid. Did/Do you get school cancellations because of snow? Oh yes. My area flips shit if there's even a risk of like an inch of snow. Who knows ALL of your secrets? Nobody. Do you eat dinner with your family every night? No. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now? No, not really. That would be fucking awful. There's no way I'd be able to raise it. Have you used Limewire before? Back in the day. Are you/Were you in a band? If so, what was your band name? No. Have you ever tried cocaine or heroin? No thanks. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No. I'd wear one, though. Have you ever dyed your hair light auburn? No. Ever had ice cream dots? Dippin' Dots? Yes. Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. Would you ever go to Japan? I'd like to. Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid in Catholic school, yes. What did you eat for breakfast today? Honey Nut Cheerios. When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Preferably never.

[mst3kproject]

The Manster

Who has two thumbs and is back on terra firma with working wifi?  This MSTie!

As for my chosen subject this week… I don’t think I have to justify this one.  It’s called The Manster, as in a portmanteau of man and monster.  It was directed by a guy who mostly made cheap-ass jungle movies, and stars a bunch of embarrassed actors who don’t know how they ended up here.  It’s old and it’s dumb and it’s often pretty funny though never on purpose, and the perfect stinger moment comes very early in the film… you’ll know it when you see it.

So we have Dr. Robert Suzuki, who lives on top of a volcano.  When people have ‘Dr’ in front of their names and live in isolation with a bunch of blinky light machines, that’s usually a pretty good clue that they’re mad scientists. Tragically our hero, Larry Stanford, is not that observant (Larry’s obliviousness would have been a constant target for Mike and the bots and he would have deserved all of it).  He’s a reporter who wants an interview about Suzuki’s theories on the causes of mutations, but too bad for him, he arrives just as the mad doctor has run out of family members to experiment on.  Under the influence of Suzuki’s injections he’s soon devolving into an animalistic frat-boy, drinking, carousing, and murdering… oh, and he’s growing a second head. Will that be a problem?

So basically this is a werewolf movie with a fake mustache on… or perhaps a Jekyll and Hyde movie of sorts, as discussed in the denouement.  It wants to explore the dichotomy of good and evil in every one of us, using the very silly device of a two-headed man.  I have to say, I understand the metaphor, but it wasn’t put to nearly good enough use.  The movie would have been ten times more fun if we’d gotten to see Larry and his second head arguing over whether or not they’re going to kill somebody.  Not better, mind you, just more fun.

As far as just being a movie goes, The Manster is better than a lot of things I’ve watched for this blog.  The characters have names and look different enough that you can tell them apart, the story makes sense on its own terms and everything that happens is relevant to the plot.  Photography is honestly pretty good and the actors are competent.  All this happens to be in the service of a really silly story with awful special effects (I love Larry’s rubbery second head bouncing as he runs) but it’s engaging enough that you want to keep watching.

What I really like about The Manster, however, is that it offers a lot to analyze.  I’m not sure much of it is intentional.  The Jekyll and Hyde side of the story is elucidated in an ending speech, as Larry’s friend Ian tries to reassure Mrs. Stanford.  He says there was good and evil in Larry, and they’ll just have to wait and see which side wins.  This is not a very satisfying ending, really.  We’ve just seen Larry’s evil side plummet to its death into a volcanic crater… and the surviving good side is under arrest as a serial killer.  Dr. Suzuki and his assistant, the only people who could testify that Larry was not responsible for his actions, are both dead.  This guy’s going to jail.

The really interesting thing in the movie, though, is one that comes up by accident.  Dr. Suzuki’s work is on evolution – his theory is that cosmic rays can induce mutations, producing new species more or less overnight (this is called ‘macromutation’ or ‘the hopeful monster theory’, and lurked on the edges of the mainstream in the 40’s and 50’s) and he hopes to induce the same effect chemically.  When he tries, however, his efforts invariably produce monsters.  Emiko, his wife and former research partner, turns into something resembling the closet monster from The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.  Kenji, his brother, turns into a yeti, and a similar fate awaits Larry.  These mutants cannot understand human speech, and their behaviour is irrational and violent.

This implies a couple of things.  We hear vague mentions of Dr. Suzuki experimenting on fungi, but his heart is mostly in his human experiments.  That tells us that his goal is to speed up the evolution of humanity, and one presumes that this is intended to improve us somehow. Of course, this is not how evolution works.  Evolution does not make things better – this is why biologists have mostly dropped the descriptions primitive and advanced in favour of the more neutral basal and derived.  Dr. Suzuki’s quest is therefore quite misguided, as illustrated by his monsters. In no way could they be considered ‘better’ than humans – in fact, they’re significantly worse at surviving and reproducing (the thing natural selection selects for) than ordinary people are.

There’s another layer here, though.  ‘Evolution makes things better’ is a misconception that’s been around since Darwin, and dates back to even earlier ways of organizing the natural world.  When Linnaeus created the classification system for living things that we’re still saddled with today, he did it under the believe in the Great Chain of Being – the idea that you can order everything that exists into a hierarchy with mold at the bottom and god at the top, and that after god and the angels humans are the best thing that exists (as proved by our being the only creatures able to create classification systems).  It’s an idea that appeals to human vanity and to our need to impose order on the natural world, and it isn’t likely to go away anytime soon.

With that in mind, perhaps there’s another reason Suzuki’s experiments fail.  If you believe that humans are the best living thing around, particularly if you believe we are the image of god on earth, then maybe it’s not possible to improve on us.  Any change you make to people that takes them away from humanity will automatically make them worse.  This idea does appear to be manifest in the fates of Emiko, Kenji, and Larry, all of whom become more apelike, less ‘advanced’, as they change.

In that case, what does The Manster think makes for a good human?  We see a little of Larry before he starts to mutate, so we can compare that with what he becomes.  Rather surprisingly for a movie of this vintage, the fact that Larry is white seems to be pretty incidental.  He is a foreigner in a faraway place, but this serves mostly to drive a wedge between him and his wife Linda.  Except for a couple of rather troubling moments, the film does not present Japan in an exotifying light.  We do see things like a bathhouse and a geisha bar, but these represent Larry’s personal slide into debauchery, rather than the country as a whole.  We also meet normal working people among both the Japanese and the American expat community – reporters, police officers, and even priests.

There’s a very nice bit, actually, where Larry comes upon a Buddhist priest praying, and when he realizes this man doesn’t speak English, Larry takes the opportunity to unburden himself.  It makes him feel better to talk about his moral quandaries aloud, and the fact that the priest doesn’t understand him means he cannot judge him.  This is a very relatable and human moment, one of the best in the movie.

Unfortunately, it also segues into a couple of the most distasteful things in the film.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed, Larry does murder the priest, but before he does, he stares at a particular statue in the shrine – a representation of a three-eyed, fanged being that I am in no position to identify, although it looks a bit like Vajrapani.  Before Larry grows a full second head he sprouts an extra eye in his shoulder, and the implication is that the three-eyed statue draws his attention to the monster within himself. I don’t know much about Buddhism but I do not like the idea of casting another culture’s religious figures as symbols of monstrosity.  The west has done plenty enough of that.

But back to the question of acceptable humanity. We watch Larry get drunk, violent, antisocial, lazy, and promiscuous, which tells us that the ‘good’ man is the opposite of these things: sober, peaceful, friendly, hardworking, and chaste. The film pays particular attention to how Larry relates to women.  The fact that he’s been faithful to his distant wife is established early on, and one of the first symptoms of his devolution is his willingness to discard her.  First he makes out with a couple of girls at the geisha bar, and later he takes Dr. Suzuki’s assistant Terra (who has a tragic backstory but we frustratingly never find out what it entails) as his mistress. On the phone with his wife Linda at the beginning of the film, Larry tells her he loves her and promises to be home soon.  Later, when she comes to Japan searching for him, he shouts at her and makes a show of preferring Terra.

One conversation he has with Linda is particularly revealing.  He tells her he has no desire to settle down in one place and wile away his time drinking coffee and playing bridge when there’s a big wide world out there.  She asks him what about her plans, and he declares he will ‘put her in her place’ and ‘slap her down’.  Since this is when Larry is the opposite of what a good man should be, we can take from it that a good man respects his wife and takes her opinions and needs into account.  For the late fifties, this is actually kind of surprising – I’ve seen films from a decade or two later that were far more backward about this.  So hey, points for that.

All things considered, The Manster is a pretty well-made movie.  It’s dumb and full of clichés, such as the man scientist destroyed by his own creation, the femme fatale who sacrifices herself for the hero because she’s fallen in love with him, theremin music to represent the monster’s appearance, etc etc etc… but it’s competently put together and whether intentionally or no, contains a lot of interesting material. It’s the sort of movie I can watch repeatedly and always find something new in.  Definitely recommended viewing for the 50’s Monster Flick fan, although with the caveat that there is a scene in which one character urges another to commit suicide.

[grim-faux]

4 - Committed to Survival

Rather fix the camera in its hoister now, I’d wait until I wasn’t around the water.  The path out of this place felt long and oppressive, the sharp smell of mildew at this point drilling a painful ache in my head.  I shut the mesh door behind me and trudged up the stairs to the first landing, where a tolerable light source awaited.

MKULTRA program, CIA document no. 190691, p. 1, excerpt  To: File  Subject: Hypnotic Experimentation and Research, Febuary 10, 1954  On Wednesday, 10 Febuary, 1954, hypnotic experimentation and research work was continued in Building 13 of the Mount Massive Preserve in Colorado using the following subjects.

  <material abridged> 

1. A posthypnotic of the night before (pointed finger, you will sleep) was enacted. Misses Jackson and Pierce immediately progressed to a deep hypnotic state with no further suggestion.  Miss Pierce was then instructed (having previously expressed a fear of firearms in any fashion) that she would use every method at her disposal to awaken miss Jackson (now in a deep hypnotic sleep), and failing this, she would pick up a nearby pistol and fire it at Miss Jackson. She was instructed that her rage would be so great that she would not hesitate to “kill” Jackson for failing to awaken. 

2. Miss Pierce carried out these suggestions to the letter including firing the (unloaded pneumatic pistol) gun at Jackson and then proceeding to fall into a deep sleep. After proper suggestions were made, both were awakened and expressed complete amnesia for the entire sequence. Miss Pierce was again handed the gun, which she refused (in an awakened state) to pick up or accept from the operator.  She expressed absolute denial that the foregoing sequence had happened.” In the least my little souvenir was interesting.  Hypnoses to cure fears, or force a person to perform a desired function.  I read files on this but the fancy didn’t strike me, people liked to read those sorts of articles but I wasn’t prime on reporting them. I left the file on the landing and made the ground floor.  I exhaled a breath of relief to see my surroundings unchanged, whether good or bad.  At least the big fucker had left most of the building intact.  I made my uneventful trek back to the Security room, I didn’t like the idea of a gaping hole behind me at this point, but I wasn’t about to prop that heavy metal door up with that little rolling chair. Call me lazy, I just wanted to get the doors open and put a fuck lot of distance between here, and the remnants of my healthy psyche.  I wasn’t going to be normal after this, alright? The terminal looked like it would still function, some of the monitors seemed to be spazing out from the abrupt shut down.  The main root, system controls, was up and ready to go. I managed to type in the first half of Security before someone crashed into me from behind, I didn’t even hear them enter.  I tried to push back and throw them off but they had braced a knee into the back of my leg, the edge of the terminal bit into my bruised thigh.  I already knew who it was even before he braced his arms over my chest, pain rippled up my side as he wrenched my head up.  Something metal flashed across my vision.  A needle! It was jammed into the base of my neck, my vision flashed as whatever the hypodermic was filled with drowned my senses.  He released me and I collapsed against the desk, my forehead started to tingle and I immediately worried over what was in that needle.  I leaned against my arms struggling to drag my failing strength back, but it was impossible.  The blue chair rolled over the clean portion of the floor as he nudged it aside, and moved close beside me.  I turned my head to watch his movement, his foul black robe swelled along my peripheral vision.  Getting hard to focus.  Felt like my legs were turning into jello. “I’m sorry, my son, I didn’t want to have to do this to you.”  He revealed the needle and grasped my hand.  “But you can’t leave, not yet.”  I jerked my hand away from his clammy grasp and brushed him off.  I tried to turn, push him away.  I want nothing to do with you.  Nothing!  Just let me Leave!   Without the support of the desk my legs gave out.  The Priest caught me under the arms and lowered me to my knees.  My shoulder pressed into the side of the metal desk as I stared up into his face.  He was bald, with wild eyes that frightened me.  “There is so much yet for you to witness.”   Oh god. “Will you see it?  Can you?”  With one arm latched to my side, he used the other hand to turn my head towards a gray video feed.  My thoughts were muddled, it was a room.  Camera looking down in a room, with a desk, wall with windows.  Bright windows.  Everything in that room was bright.  A symbol.  Rings on the floor.  Sharp ovals.  People in the room.  Holding guns.  Looked like MHS cops.  The guy I watched die.  I tried to get out…. “Our lord the Walrider, tearing His truth into the unbelievers.”  They were dying.  My eyes drooped but I fought to keep focus, what was killing them?  Dragging them off, throttling them, blood everywhere.  This place was turning red, full of blood.  Blood up to my knees, I was running from my shadow.  What did they see?  What was killing them?  What did he put into me? “The only way out of this place is the truth.”  My head rolled back to him.  The drugs made me weak and heavy, and I couldn’t care less for what he was saying.  The lights dimmed and I sank to my side.  His last words rang through my mind.   “Accept the gospel and all doors will open before you.” The dark. There was safety in the dark.  There was comfort in the dark.  The dark was the unknown.  The dark was all encompassing.  The dark was unmovable. Unless there was light.  That terrible light. I awoke once, enveloped in white, everything was bright and painful to bear.  By my side was a dark shape, the Priest.  I blinked and he was outside the door, it looked like he was speaking to a man with ants crawling on his face. Maybe it was a dream.  The road was very long, and it was already night.  It didn’t matter what time visiting hours ended, I planned to snoop around the grounds anyway and pick up whatever looked incriminating.  But I had to film something concrete, or my contacts would just scoff. When I arrived, the patients were wandering the front lawn in white shrouds.  Something without form was tearing through them, tossing their bodies like broken toys against the walls, muscle and lungs were tangled in the barbed wire.  Amidst them was Chris Walker, the other patients had bowed before him.  It didn’t look like he cared.  His face was splint back in a cruel grin, but his eyes were milky and dead. Once I had gotten away from the Asylum, I collapsed in the woods.  Everything hurt, my body was broken.  Death wasn’t the punishment anymore.  I didn’t have to worry about paying the bills, a boyfriend, my next job - nothing mattered.  The fight was over.  I curled up in the wet leaves and sank into a deep sleep, the dead of winter closed in, but not even the cold could reach me.  There was just the indiscriminate black that awaited at the end of it all. A soft groan escaped me as I roused, clearing the short rest from my stiff lungs.  I opened my eyes to view murky shapes, odd lines in the white walls.  The damn light was too bright, I turned my head and felt the dull pain in my neck reminding me of the previous events.  Everything felt muggy and pointless to my mind, but at least I was alone.    It felt like I had slept on the world’s hardest substance, the material crinkled nastily as I shifted. ��Smelt like a retirement homes bad day, but at this point I didn’t give a damn.  Same scenario if you were drunk off your ass, you didn’t give a damn where you passed out.  I put a hand to my collar and brought it back.  No blood.  Probably bruised like hell, but otherwise fine.  My brain was still working out the crap that guy injected me with, should probably be the least of my worries.   For a while I lay on that stiff cot, staring at the walls until they came into focus.  Crosses and words scrawled everywhere.  Some of it in blood.  I took it this was His cell. I didn’t feel ready to resume my personal vendetta for freedom, but options were a luxury I feared I was now banned from.  Time was my worst enemy, and my chances of walking out alive dwindled the longer I wavered.  Either way, I didn’t want to be here when He returned. Slowly I sat up, making mental note of the injuries that had set into my body.  I coughed a bit of blood onto my sleeve, but that didn’t alarm me.  But I would check in to the hospital first chance I had.  A real hospital. Very considerate of the Priest to leave the camera, but he had reinforced his desires into me that I was to be his Apostle.  I flipped the visor open and raised it to the walls. “The priest, FATHER MARTIN brought me here to show me something. Thinks I’m going to be a witness for whatever batshit crazy he’s trying to sell me. This DR. WERNICKE is at the center of whatever went wrong here. But he died more than ten years ago. ‘Rest in Peace,’ says the blood on the wall.“ Fuck the story, when I get out of here I was going to write a New York Times best seller.  “How I Survived the Worst Tip in my Career.”  By Miles Upshur.  In your face, Oprah. The door had no visible lock or latch mechanism.  How did I get out?  Maybe if I pushed. That didn’t seem to work, but as I peered out of the small window a face shot into the lens of my camera startling me.  A click echoed, and the figure darted off.  Though the door was now wide open, I waited.  I had no idea what was out there, let alone where the hell I was NOW.  I hadn’t seen much before he unlocked the cell.  But the question I needed answered immediately, where was I in this god awful place?  Far from the safest exit, of course! Tentatively, I crept forward, but what was I going to do if someone decided to come in next?  I wasn’t hiding in here. This was better than Disney land.  I think every ghost hunter in the world would donate a kidney, just to spend a night in this place.  It was the main ward of the asylum, its heart, where all the crazies hung out.   Below, I saw a few of the frequents.  One man patrolling, smashing his skull into blood stained concrete with bone cracking force.  I winced with each impact. “Back!  Get back!”  To my right a man lunged at a segregation gate rattling at the bars, shrieking his lungs out.  “Get the fuck away from me!  Rrah!  Huh…don’t look at me.  Don’t you dare….” I whirled away from him, relying fully on the doors capacity to withstand his violence, even if fate did not favor me this hour.  I walked along the bland and gray wall, glancing down to the people on the lower floor.  Had they been this messed up before Murkoff got ahold of them?  They were using dream therapy to alter their higher cognitive functions of the mind, didn’t look like these people had that treatment.  Even if they had, I still wouldn’t be able to distinguish them from your typical lunatic. I shuddered to think if Murkoff had been trying to cure their mental deficiency in order to use them for further experimentation later on. The smell.  Like all the filthy alley ways and slums in every city in the world.  I could hardly breathe without gaging, filth was everywhere.  It was a miracle these people weren’t dead from contamination.  Or maybe it was some sort of curse.  This was no sort of life for a human. The window parallel to my face burst open and a hand shot out, grabbing for my head as I ducked.  I smashed against the rail and stared up as the arm continued to grope blindly for nothing, then withdrew.  The shock wore off quickly and I stood up to gaze on the face that met mine. Skin had been cut and moved, tacked down in cruel areas.  It looked like his right eyelid had been removed, the eye now a shriveled sack in the socket.  Despite his earlier ‘attack,’ I think I felt sorry for him. I was still glad his door was locked. The next door was open, but I could change that. “Said he shouldn’t hurt you,” a voiced hummed from within. Inside, opposite to a blood splashed corner, stood a man pawing at his face.  He too had been mutualized by some form of surgery, one eye stitched shut and his face scarred by malpractice.  “Is what he said.” I glanced around, then turned back to him and raised the camera.  “Father Martin?” “Our Father,” he corrected.  “Told him not to hurt you.  But when the cat’s away….Hmmmm….Mmmmm.” Everything in me screamed, slam that door now.  But I didn’t.  Quietly, I backed away and left him as he was.  If he was a danger, he was the least of my concerns.  Shutting the door might agitate him, and there were people on the floor below that seemed to not have noticed my presence yet. I slipped around the pillar of the next corner and walked towards the metal door on this side of the level. “Who’s this?” I stopped in my tracks and stared at the speaker, cloaked by shadow.  That was all they were cloaked by. “Maybe…Farther Martin’s man.” “Maybe.”  The first seemed excited by my presence.  My hair stood on end and I knew without a doubt, I should not be near them. The thick metal gate stood between us and presumably was locked, but I couldn’t make that gamble.  Even without the NV I could distinguish their lack of apparel, their shapes were tall and sinewy, and they appeared to be identical twins.  Splattered with blood. “He looks nervous.” “I would like to kill him.” I hid behind the pillar a little more. “As would I…”  His voice made the task sound tedious.  I really didn’t want to be here at this particular moment. “The preacher asked us not to.” “It would be impolite.” “Not here.” They paused. “We give him a running start?” “There’s an idea.” “And when we kill him, we kill him slow.” “Such patience.” I was done.  I was gone.  I was staggering down the steps searching for a way out of this mad house.  “I want his tongue.  And liver.” “They are yours.” Was there a way out?  Not from down here, the only route I could see had the camera shy freak and my new fan club.  They were giving me a running start.  What the FUCK did that mean?! “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”  Said the man staring at a pillar.  I decided from this point on, for the safety of my psyche and my body parts I did NOT need to speak with ANYONE.  They could talk to me, I was not going to converse back. Someone darted from the group into an open door, and slammed it.  One less to worry over.  Two men still roamed, there was a third sitting in a wheelchair.  I didn’t trust anyone in a wheelchair anymore. The two rooms on either side of the stairs had nothing to offer, no tools or messages, or items of interest.  I had a fear of standing in the doorways, unless someone opened the door from the outside I could be locked in.  The man staring at his pillar, he had been the one to let me out in the first place.  I didn’t want to ask if there was a way out of this area. The Priest had brought me here, how the hell did he get out?  Unless, he was still here…. “Don’t trust them.”  I jerked away from the man in the wheelchair, I had given him his distance though it was doubtful he could do much.  His mutilation went beyond the laws of humanity, scars and broken flesh healed over.   I raised my camera and knelt down, but I refused to get too close.  “They’ll tell you it’s science but it’s not.  They were…waiting for us.  In this place.  Billy understood.  They’ve always been here.” I wanted to ask him about Billy.  About the experiments and the Walrider, and what he meant by ‘they.’  But I was frightened by what he might say.  If he said any more.  Uttering this information had seemed to exhaust him, and his head wilted to his shoulder.  Briefly, I wondered if he had fallen asleep or had he finally escaped this place. I shivered and stood.  A way out that involved my body and I escaping together, and in one piece.  That seemed like a naive dream. I didn’t bother with the door behind him, or the one after that.  Though, as I passed by a face appeared in the glass.  I stared, and ‘he’ stared back.  My mind was attempting to fathom how someone without a mouth could survive, unless there was a tube in his nose, but even his nostrils were compromised.  It looked like there was an opening in his throat, reminiscent to smokers that suffered cancer and had their larynx removed. This place was god awful.  I had to keep reminding myself that, the more I looked around, the more I felt.  Even for a clutch of crazy people, murderers, whatever.  I think the worst ones were the men and women that consciously decided they were going to mangle the part of them that wasn’t broken beyond function.  Then, crack their minds open and figure out to what extent they could fuck their thoughts up even more. I was between feeling terrible and feeling like bitter justice was served.  Everything was a whirling mess of gray with globs of black. One room I entered on the far side had a patient curled up on his cot, trembling.  I knelt down to film him through the nightvision feed, taking in the details of his misshapen face.  Many of the patients I had encountered thus far had scars or wounds of unknown origin, from experiments Murkoff was performing on them.  It was briefly mentioned in Chris Walker’s file, many of his injuries were self-inflicted, but the report indicated not all.  Were the patient’s the one mutilating their bodies, prior to Murkoff’s fall?  Not all of them shared these injuries, some appeared almost normal or unharmed.   It must have been a part of the process Murkoff was putting them through.  But what sort of process I couldn’t begin to imagine.  Some of the scars appeared almost like chemical burns in theory.  What sort of monster would give an order to maim humans? “Too many voices.  They followed me back.”  He stumbled into me as I swayed to get out of his way.  “No more sleep.”  He grabbed my collar and forced me aside, and then continued on toward a bloody spot on the wall without pause.  Wack. Smack! Crack! Clack! “They’re in my blood and they want to get out.  Can feel….” I continued to back away until I was a safe distance, concealed in shadows.  My back pressed against the cold wall and I slid down to sit. “We angered Him with our science.  He only wanted faith.” The voice sounded very close, but when I turned my camera to find him, he was a few feet away curled up tightly in a corner.  I sat there for what felt like a long time observing the habits of these people, lost in madness.  Eventually the man whom stared at pillar did move, at first leaning on his subject matter, then slipping down until he was on his side facing the cold concrete structure.  I turned my attention back to the man in wheelchair, but he had not yet moved since he spoke.  I wondered if he did indeed die.  It made no difference to me, not at this time, but I did feel a unique chill in my veins at the thought.  How many people have I watched die today? “Voices in my head follow me back!”  When the head banger made his third round, I decided it was time to find a way out. Without a word of farewell to the squatter, I crossed to the other side of the wall to doors that had not been examined.  I was beginning to despair, surrendering resolve to the idea of returning to the upper level, to the twins. It was very likely they would open the door only to murder me.  There was no place for me to run, or hide.  Especially with the two of them, they’d corner me with little effort if I tried.  My heart thudded against the stress, and that persistent pain in my chest.  I needed a doctor. A door I opened finally offered some promise, the back of the room was shattered revealing a crack into an open work space.  A shred of concern did remain in me to enter a room in which I could not open from the inside, but I didn’t give a damn at this point.  I squeezed through the gap and pulled up the nightvision, it sounded like someone was struggling. I wasn’t confident in facing the source, if I had someplace to run I might felt more assured.  Truth was safety was an illusion in Mount Massive, my only hope for survival was my capacity to elude danger.   There wasn’t much to see in the work hall, pipes for water, pipes for gas, I couldn’t tell which from the static green NV feed.  The noises were muffled but grew louder as I moved through the work space.  I didn’t like the sound of them.  Overhead the cement had been torn out, where the debris was removed to remained a mystery but it was a direction to take. I climbed onto a crate and made sure it was sturdy before leaping up to an overhead ledge.  For a span I was completely blind in the dark, the camera strap I stuck in my mouth rather the case so I could reach it quicker.  Once I had pulled myself onto the floor I knelt and took it up, looking immediately into the visor. A face covered in ants stared back. I gave a sharp yelp and toppled sideways, catching the jagged edge with my elbows before I fell through, my legs swung beneath me and I struggled not to drop the camera in my hand.  Groaning, I pulled myself back up and crawled away before checking once more. “Agh!  God damnit!  What the fuck is the matter with you?”  One of the patients had plastered himself against a wall and was fixing his shirt.  He wasn’t wearing pants.  On the floor across from him was a bloodied and decapitated body, nude, in a…suggestive position. “You weren’t invited to this, you god damned sicko.” Just….This place needed to go to hell.  Some of the people here did deserve what they got. “What, you like to watch?”  He pointed directly at me and reaffirmed his diagnosis.  “It’s sick.  You’re sick.” And thus my pledge, not to speak to any of these people, was solidified.  You couldn’t stage better propaganda. “Fuck this place. Seriously, just fuck this place. Dying keeps moving lower on the list of the worst things that could happen to me here.” I jogged down the hall, an otherwise good mood literally—No, no.  I needed to forget.  Positive thoughts, healthy thoughts.  I was terribly fucking lost, had no map, two naked men were admitted into my fan club, and dying was no longer top of the list of shitty ways to ruin this day. Or night.  I had no fucking idea. “Hey!  Hey!”  I stopped in an intersecting hall when someone called for me, and rattled a gate.  He was on the other side, which made me happy.  “You… Oh.  I….”  By the time I had my camera zoomed in he had already spun about and was running away.  The small event had me smirking despite everything, who did he think I was?  A friend? Lord give me strength, I was just mistaken for a loony.  And I thought it was funny.

[rancoeur-the-unfortunate]

Pills (Chapter 25)

Skoodge looked down at the Doctor's hand, was this the route he wanted to take? On one hand, the Doctor had all the power he could easily tell the Tallests that he was off his medication and there would be nothing Skoodge could do about it. On the other, joining him meant siding with the Irken who caused this nightmare. The rebellion, Irk, Zim all things Skoodge believed he would be betraying if he shook the Doctor's hand right now.

Zim... the same Zim who was currently out of his mind right now and probably doesn't even remember their time together.

Skoodge looked back up to the Doctor's face.

"Before I decide anything, I want to know. What do you plan to do with Zim?"

"Well, the original plan was to change Zim's drug formula and make it so that instead of being an insane megalomaniac, he would become my head general, Zim can be made into a very powerful weapon if controlled by the right hands." The Doctor explained.

He paused and gazed into Skoodge's hurt filled eyes.

"But since that would most likely make me lose the support I need in this matter, obviously I need to change said plan." The Doctor sighed and pulled his hand away for a second to pull up his goggles onto his forehead, revealing his now blue again eyes. As Skoodge looked into those eyes he couldn't help but feel uneasy by the tired yet sincere look in them.

"My quarrel was never with the Irken race, Skoodge. It was the Control Brains who I wanted to destroy. They made me, I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for them and I can never forgive them for that. Considering all I've done, I've been nothing but a stain on Irken society. All I ask is your help in their destruction and I swear no living Irken will ever have to see my face again. I'm sure you and Zim will gladly fix Irk and make it better than it ever was before." The Doctor reached his hand out once more to Skoodge.

Skoodge once again looked back down at that hand. As he weighed his options he noticed the Doctor's arm began shaking, he could see the lump beginning to swell within his forearm. He gripped his shaking limb and fell to his knees in pain. He hissed and a look of panic filled his eyes. Slowly, Skoodge could see it as the pain-filled those orbs so did something else. The Doctor's eyes were slowly turning into a shade of lime green.

The Doctor's groan in pain snapped Skoodge out of his stupor and he dashed to the table to grab some syringes. He knelt beside the Doctor and forced the bigger Irken to lean on him as he got to work on siphoning out the green liquid.

The Doctor winced at each injection and tried looking away but eventually found himself gripping Skoodge's arm for comfort. After five injections the swelling had finally gone down. The Doctor gently squeezed Skoodge's arm.

"That'll do Skoodge."

The short Irken nodded and helped the Doctor to his feet as said Irken pocketed the syringes.

"So... do we have a deal?" The Doctor spoke between pants.

Skoodge sighed but nodded.

"Yeah. we have a deal."

"You know Dib, I won't lie when we started this, I was a little more than skeptical about this trip," Zim spoke as the two were making their way back into their neighborhood. They were still holding hands amazingly enough.

"Heh, same here. I was almost certain you'd try to kill me in my sleep." Dib smirked as they started down Zim's street. The plan was to drop Zim off at his house and Dib would walk back to his place after. He'd probably have to set up more cameras in this area (more than he already had) just to be sure the Swollen Eyeball wasn't still poking around.

"Foolish human, Zim would never kill you in your sleep. Zim would kill you while you were awake, that way I could watch the life bleed from your eyes!" Zim smiled with a look of pride.

Dib sighed and shook his head but a small smile remained on his tired face. Same old, same old.

"Well if I wanted to kill you, I'd make it on an operating table. Cutting you open and exploring your insides." The two went silent for a bit with Dib holding his head up and Zim giving the human a worried glance before the two broke out into laughter.

That laughter and mirth remained until they met the front door of Zim's house, where they both turned to face each other.

"So uh, we're here."

"Um yes, yes we are." Zim averted his gaze for a moment before turning to look at Dib once more. From the flower crown that sat on his head to dirty worn shoes. With a quick breath, Zim snapped his finger and pointed downwards. Dib tilted his head in confusion before taking the kneeling position in front of Zim once more. Before he could ask what this was for Zim grabbed both sides of the boy's head, pushed their foreheads together, and gently yet quickly ran his antennae through Dib's hair and along his sythe. He soon pulled back and ran inside his house before slamming the door behind him. Leaving a blushing and confused Dib in his wake.

It took the human a few minutes to gather enough of his thoughts to stand up and smile slightly to himself and turn around and head home. He had next to no idea what had just happened but it felt amazing for some reason and he just could stop smiling.

As soon as Zim slammed the door he slid down it almost in awe of his actions. But before he could think about it he was immediately tackled by his robot subordinate.

"MASTER IS HOME! MASTER IS HOME!" GIR screamed with sheer delight as he held Zim's waist in an almost death grip. "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN 34 GAZZILION YEARS!" The robot then started crying and rubbing it's 'face' into Zim's tunic.

Zim groaned and wriggled a bit trying to get out of the tiny robot's grasp.

"Yes yes GIR, I'm home now let go of me." The Irken sighed in annoyance.

"Not until you hug me back!" GIR squealed from his spot in Zim's lap.

Normally Zim would tell the robot no and would just use his pak legs to escape. But Zim felt generous so he gave the robot a light-hearted pat on the head. Gir smiled and ran off screaming as he went down the trash can "MASTER HOME! MASTER HOME! MAster ho-" his voice disappearing as he went further in the lab.

Zim couldn't help but smile as the little robot ran off to let everyone else know of his arrival. He sat down on the couch, exhausted both physically and emotionally.

Agent Callus knelt back down behind one of Zim's neighbors' bushes. He made sure to snap as many photos as possible of Zim and Dib's interaction. Eseaspically with strange antenna thing. Was Dib bonded with this alien? This was the last thing he expected from the guy. Then again those moments Agent Callus had managed to capture did seem pretty intimate.

The brunette then focused his attention back to Dib, normally he'd stay at Zim's house but something told him he'd get more information at Dib's house. So he followed the other while remaining at a distance. For someone who is well known as paranoid and on edge, Dib seemed pretty distracted at the moment.

Once at Dib's house Callus hid behind another bush across the street and pulled his tablet from his bag. He spent a good amount of his savings on the bugs he placed throughout the bottom floor of the Membrane house. Courtesy of Professor Membrane letting him in to talk when he asked where he was. While the professor was in the kitchen preparing tea the teen had managed to place a bug under the coffee table and when they sat at the kitchen table to chat, he placed a bug under the said table too.

Callus turned on his tablet, plugged in his headphones, and listened in. Hoping he could get something to help further prove Zim to be an alien.

Once Dib was inside his home the first thing he did was drop his heavy backpack with a sigh of relief before glancing about the room. Dad, of course, was nowhere to be seen and Gaz was sitting on the couch playing her Game Slave 2. The boy smiled a bit and went to the fridge to grab a juice box and sat on the side of the couch opposite his sister.

"Dad at work?" He asked while grabbing the remote to turn on the TV.

"Yeah." Came the short response.

The two were quiet for a moment as the theme for Mysterious Mysteries started to play. Yes, despite the age Dib still watched the show. Call it a nostalgia thing.

Surprisingly, it was Gaz to break the silence.

"How was your trip?" She asked, her eyes never leaving her game.

"Oh um, it was... interesting to say the least."

"You spent the week with your worst enemy Dib, of course, it would be interesting. Anything else?"

"Well, I fell into a river and almost died via a waterfall."

His sister chuckled.

"What about you? How'd you spend your week without your annoying brother to bother you? Bet you didn't look up from that screen once." Dib teased.

"Actually I spent the majority of it at your boyfriend's house," Gaz smirked as Dib's face went red with blush.

"Zim isn't my boyfriend Gaz!"

"I never said it was Zim's house." Gaz's evil smirk never faded.

Dib shook his head and waved her off. "Whatever, what were you doing at Zim's house anyways."

"Well as I said before. Zim's moose thing made come over and said you guys were in trouble and it needed my help. At first, I was gonna say know but the Moose offered to buy me one of the alien game machines and I swear to god Dib if you dismantle it just to look at the 'alien parts' I'll kill you." She tilted the game his way to show him that it wasn't, in fact, her Game Slave but something else entirely. The colors were different as well as the symbols on the buttons, the graphics on the screen were upgraded too.

"Wait so what did Minimoose need you to do?"

"Help build upgrades for the house as well as keep intruders out. I got Keef in a cage in one of the sub-labs."

Dib smirked for a second at the thought of Keef having to deal with his sister. But that smirk quickly went away.

"Wait, upgrades?"

Gaz cocked a brow at his late of regard for Keef but brushed it off.

"Yeah, the moose wanted the house's defenses to be stronger. Zim's Tallest are still after him you know."

Dib sighed as he slouched against the couch.

"I know, not to mention the Swollen Eyeball might try to kidnap Zim as well."

"You know, you never told me why you were doing all of this."

"Huh?" Dib turned to look back at his sister, who in turn actually PAUSED her game to look him in the eye.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you going through all this trouble to protect Zim? Hell, a week ago you would have been pretty set on letting the Swollen Eye thing take Zim in a heartbeat, but now? It's like your whole deal has changed. What happened over there?"

Dib looked away at his feet for a moment, unsure how to answer his sister's question.

"...If I'm being honest Gaz, I honestly don't know. It's like these past few months I did nothing but try to get everyone to focus on Zim enough to notice the alien beneath that crappy human disguise. But when people started to finally pay attention long enough all I could feel was anger and... GAH I don't know. Ever since we were in elementary Skool, Zim was MY alien and just the thought of others trying to catch him, I don't know it just pissed me off. So I tried to get everyone to leave Zim be and for the most part, I was right. I checked the Skool's forum and pretty much everyone has forgotten about Zim's 'drug addiction' but the Swollen Eyeball I know won't let up that quickly. I'll have to find a way to convince them Zim is normal."

"Why don't you go back to trying to convince them he's an alien that seemed to do the trick."

"Haha very funny," Dib replied sarcastically.

Gaz smiled for a bit before unpausing her game and turning her attention back to it while Dib went back to watching Mysterious Mysteries and to fell back into a comfortable silence.

Callus smirked a made sure to record all that was said on his tablet.

Withholding information about an alien from the Swollen Eyeball.

Befriending said alien.

Mentioning the Swollen Eyeball to a nonmember of the group!

Dib could get kicked out of the Swollen Eyeball for good if Callus released this recording. Even though that wasn't Callus' end intention it would definitely be a bonus. Callus smirked and begun to pack up belongings and made his trek home.

(Hello everyone, I'd like to take the time to thank all of you for reading this story and having the patience to wait for each chapter to come out. As some of you know I live in Florida and live under constant quarantine and where I live I can't go to certain places without a mask on, as well as, leave my home after curfew. It sucks and I hate it. But that's the way it is now and we have to adapt to the new changes. At least until this whole Corona thing goes away. I hope all of you stay safe and healthy. Remember to stay inside unless you absolutely have to and wash your hands to help stop the spread of Covid-19.)

[welanabananaworld]

Us and the voice of dystopia

Jordan Peele’s latest film, Us, is as uncanny and disturbing as his first movie Get Out which proved itself to be a cinematic feat at the time of its release in 2017. Rightly considered as one of the fathers of the horror film renaissance (see also Ari Aster), Jordan Peele has been succeeding not only in addressing societal issues and in adopting a critical stance toward his home country but also in injecting an artistic vision in what is unfairly and generally regarded as second-class films. 

In Us, Jordan Peele’s strong sense of composition and framing reveals the main theme of the film : the duality of human nature through the evil self. Nothing revolutionary so far. Many films of the genre have explored the mythology surrounding the figure of the doppelgänger from multiple angles. For example, Alfred Hitchcock’s and Darren Aronofsky’s use of the double has a psychological bent; to dig through Scotty’s perverse psyche in the haunting Vertigo (1958) and to explore a mental illness in Black Swan (2011), whereas in The Great Dictator (1940), Charlie Chaplin chose to play both Hynkel and the Jewish barber for satirical purpose. In Us, nothing of the sort. Remember what we said about Jordan Peele’s films? About how the horror genre disguises social subtexts? But before aiming at the true meaning of this human mirror, one should focus more on the narrative use of the voice which proves to be of utter importance to understand what is at stake, because if you really listen to the voice, you understand the whole film.

Us tells the story of Adelaïde Wilson’s family who goes on holiday at the seaside in Santa Cruz. A series of strange coincidences reminds her of the trauma she experienced there when she was a little girl while vacationing with her parents. She made a disturbing encounter in the hall of mirrors of a funhouse. She came face to face with a little girl who looked just like her. After this event, she could no longer speak for a while because of, it seems, a post-traumatic stress disorder. At present day, overwhelmed with fear, she confides in her husband about her past. The same evening, they discover four people standing outside their house, their doppelgängers. Ruthlessly hunted, the Wilson family will have to look inward in order to counter their own selves. 

What strikes first when they all meet is that Red, Adelaïde’s double, is the only one  who is able to speak, or rather utter words. She is struggling with very word she says, as if her speech production was failing her somehow. When she starts speaking, her voice happens to be hoarse, cavernous, husky, strained, even  choked. Her disorder of phonation makes her voice otherworldly such as of a creature’s coming straight out of hell. It feels like she is not used to talk, actually that this is the first time she tries to pronounce and articulate words to create sentences. In this perspective, it is worth stressing Lupita Nyong’o’s astonishing work to produce Red’s chilling croaky and guttural voice. She used spasmodic dysphonia to make a creepy voice, that is a neurological disorder that causes involuntary breaks or interruptions in the voice due to an irregular flow of air. This language impairment, however, does not prevent Red from telling her story; the story of a dystopian world.

Red and Adelaïde are two sides of the same mirror. One learns that everything Adelaïde does is mirrored and has an impact on Red’s life, only the other way around. Everything that is happening in Red’s life is a pale copy of Adelaïde’s achievements and takes on a nightmarish dimension. Red’s husband, Abraham, is rough and dumb; her daughter, Umbrae, is born laughing and her son, Pluto, is a dangerous arsonist. The ideal family meets the poor and sad version of themselves who now claims justice through revenge, hence the imagery of the good and evil self. 

Throughout the film, the mise-en-scène keeps referring to the double as a warning or rather a prophecy as to the coming of those doppelgängers clad in red jumpsuits, which strangely resemble the clothing of prisoners. The clues left by the director are the following ones : the twin sisters of the superficial WASP family friends, the shadow of each member of the Wilson family projected on the sand while they are walking on the beach, the recurring number « 11:11 »  featured here and there (an extract from the Bible, Jeremiah 11:11), Jason wearing a mask (maybe a reference to the iconic masked murderer of Friday the 13th whose name is Jason?), Jason’s drawing showing a kid who looks just like him, a toy plastic spider behind which a true spider appears crawling across the low table of the living room, and of course the daze of mirrors. 

All those elements evoke duplicity and foresee a parallel world unknown so far. Red’s voice, alone, embraces all that imagery and embodies the punitive prophecy hidden behind the verse from the Old Testament book, the Book of Jeremiah, whose verse alludes to God’s wrath : « Therefore thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon them, which they shall not be able to escape; and though they shall cry unto me, I will not hearken unto them. » The invasion of the doppelgängers across the world is a divine plague orchestrated by Red from the underworld to take revenge. 

In fact, what the film tends to reveal all along is the existence of an underworld located inside « the thousands miles of tunnels beneath the continental United States », which are « abandoned subways systems », as stated at the very beginning of the film as an introduction. Those subways are inhabited by people who are the product of a failed governmental scientific experiment designed to replicate the bodies of those above to manipulate them. However, they discovered  that the « soul » could not be duplicated, hence the repudiation and neglect of that population now doomed to survive below the Earth’s surface, with raw rabbits as sole source of nourishment, and to « act out grim recreations of their respective partners’ above ground actions like sad little marionettes. »1 The scientific dimension of this governmental conspiracy is foretold in the opening credits by the camera progressively zooming out the caged rabbits. This shot conveys the idea of a sanitized laboratory. The existence of two opposite worlds is also mentioned by the shot which shows the funhouse twice, by night and day (darkness and daylight). 

The organised overthrow, which takes as an example the Hand Across America charity campaign of 1986 (giant human chain), can be interpreted in many ways : an uprising against social inequalities, such as racial, gender and salary based discrimination, which undermine the U.S (or Us); a country where climbing in the social ladder is more and more unattainable for under-represented ethnic minorities. It can also be seen as a denunciation of what America has become, unfair, poor and divided; a denunciation of the famous ideology of American exceptionalism through the ostentatious display of American symbols distorted by the horror genre. The « tethered » are done being downtrodden and ostracized. They want to embrace the American myth that had been promised to them by taking their rights back and by building a new world, hence Red’s assertive reply to Gabe’s question « Who are you, people? » : « We are Americans. » They claim themselves as being true Americans (to be connected to the Native American reference of the original funhouse’s sign), free from all materialistic concerns. 

Only, this does not constitute the twist ending of the film. Like all self-respecting horror films, Us is no exception in the matter and does offer a shocking one. And this is the voice which hints at it all along and that turns upside down the government’s theory about their human experiments. 

Red’s whistling while walking up the alley of the Wilson’s family with a pair of scissors in her hand in the dark is where the truth really lies. If one has well paid attention to the details, one would have noticed that Adelaïde whistled the same way when she was trapped in the hall of mirrors when she was a young girl, as if to ward off the coming threat. Do you see my point? Why is Adelaïde so reluctant and does have trouble engaging in a conversation with Kitty on the beach? Why would Red be the only tethered to be provided with the ability to speak? Why this eager for revenge? Because Red actually is the true Adelaïde. Back to the funhouse in 1986, young Adelaïde’s clone, Red, was lured to go to the surface as Adelaïde  progressively approached to her tragic destiny. 

What the film did not show is that Red strangled Adelaïde until she fainted, dragged her down the tunnel, attached her to her bed in the dormitory and switched place with her among Adelaïde’s family, hence her early language deficiency. While Red grew up like a normal little girl and learned how to speak, Adelaïde lost progressively her language abilities growing up among zombie-like human beings, which proves that the government’s theory is wrong. The soul cannot be duplicated but this does not mean that the tethered are « soulless creatures ». If given the chance, as Red has had, the tethered would have turned out perfectly okay. They would have followed the regular human evolution process called « hominisation » or « anthropogenesis », the process of becoming human. Indeed, the doppelgängers all look like primitive animals. Pluto, by his gesture, reminds of a monkey-like primate’s attitude and Abraham’s moans, groans and grunts are those of Cro-Magnon man. Their names evoke ancient times, something rough yet to evolve, and the mythology of the doppelgänger, Pluto being the god of the underworld, Umbrae the latin word for shadow. Abraham is the « Father of the nations » which can be connected to the human chain the tethered seek to initiate to rise up and find they own humanity. Red’s name could refer to the color of the tethered’ garments, and thus evoke the state of imprisonment which they have been reduced to until now. 

In this perspective, Red’s voice is not only the voice of dystopia but goes far beyond this sole and somewhat manichean opposition which is the driving force behind the narrative of the film. Red’s voice, by also being the voice of anthropological evolution, mainly serves to establish a connection between the latter subject and the current state of American society. With no equality of opportunity, people cannot equally seek higher social and intellectual status and end up being the slaves of the system. America has now no other choice but to drop her delusions and take her mask off. 

1 Bojalad, A., (2019, March 22). Us, Hands Across America, and the failed American experiment. Retrieved from https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/us-jordan-peele-hands-across-america/

[compassionisobligatory]

Probable White Woman BS

So, I want to preface by actually putting out the idea that part of where this is coming from my disconnection from my own ancestors - when I was growing up I never heard family stories going past my grandparents and many were blatant fabrications (e.g. my dad claiming he used to cut class all the time to hangout at the beach and pickup women when he was clearly a loser nerd who could only daydream of doing that). We have hidden our history so we’ll from ourselves that my mother learned at 50 that she had another uncle her mother pretends never existed (he’s gay) and my father learned when he was 50, at his father’s funeral, that his father had had a whole previous marriage and family from before my dad was born.

My dad never learned how to cook, and my mother saw how her mother hated it. So I was raised on tales of AWFUL home cooking and everything good was from a recipe book.

The Irish language has been lost to my family for so long I couldn’t tell you. Despite being born in Budapest, my father moved to the US at such a young age that we don’t think he knew German. I’ve tried to learn both (more succes with German), but encounter neither language with any regularity.

I was raised Catholic, but Nietzsche is right and the Catholic God is dead to me. At least in part this is because as a queer trans woman, the Catholic understands me as Death of God’s Law and Death of the Soul. I know that there are liberation Christianities, but my family has been Catholic since far into our past, and to those ancestors another Christianity would be as heretical and unacceptable as another religion.

I have some knowledge of the ancient religions of the Celtic and Germanic tribes, but again, my family connection to these practices, if there is one, has been disrupted beyond memory.

My point is that from a religious and spiritual perspective I am a thirsty woman in a desert, inclined to grab all that is handy as ask if it is water.

SO

People assigned male who alter their hormones

Injection, gel, pill, orchid, castration, licorice root tea, pregnant mare’s urine, another means unknown to me

Does anyone else feel like, a sacred sisterhood there? Like, because I’m from a Catholic tradition my daily oral estradiol feels Sacramental, like every day being reborn. I see random girls on public transit and I want to ask if they are my Sister in the I don’t actually know what. 

I just think of people assigned male over the span of thousands of years who have incorporated a medical transition into their religious practice - Galli worshipping Cybele the divinely inspired Enaree as well as practices in living traditions (e.g. Hijra) 

I suppose, to lean even harder on my Christian upbringing, if girls modifying hormones are Catholics (believing that the sacrament involves changes of substance) then trans women and other transfeminine people who don’t modify their hormones are Protestant (believing that the sacrament is purely symbolic and that transformation is brought about by faith). Just trying to use the faith tradition I was raised in to make sense of my spiritual experiences, like you do. 

Just, I don’t know, any other trans girls out there who feel like we are participating in something holy?

[edyacouky]

Can I protect you? 2/4

I wasn’t sure I will suceed write the next chapter this week. My job kill me I am so tired.

I hope you will enjoy it

Read on AO3 Chapter 01 Chapter 02 Chapter 03 and Tumblr Partie 01, Partie 03

                                                          ~*~*~

When Jason wakes up, he forgets where he is and why. Until he hear the Joker’s laugh. And he remembers. Stephanie was gone and he found her. But it was a trap for Bruce and he was the one fall for it.

And if things can’t get worse, he was fifth month pregnant.

If the Joker doesn’t kill him, Roy will do and Jason will not stop him.

He killed his child. He killed their child.

“I have to admit Hoodie, when I saw it was you I was really mad. But it seems you understand a fundamental true.”

Joker injects something in his neck after he retired his scent blocker. If his round belly doesn’t betray him, his scent does.

“More the merrier, the merrier.”

And the fucking Joker touches his belly. He wants scream, kill the bastard but he can’t move.

Jason doesn’t know what drugs Joker puts on his system paralyses him.

When Joker let him down, Jason saw Stephanie. She is just beside him. They could almost touch. She doesn’t smile like before and the storage doesn’t look like the one they were before.

How long was he out?

Breathes, Jason said to himself, and focus on what you can see.

Stephanie seems alive but badly beaten, and her scent shows her anger.

Jason thinks that she must be angry because of what Joker did to her, of what happen this late two days. But the true is she is angry because she gets caught, because of what Joker will do to Jason and his pup because of her. And she can’t do anything.

“I can’t wait see Batsy’s face when he realize he fails save not one, not two but three people! And everyone is so weak for omega bitch pregnant!”

Joker stands up in front of Jason.

“Like there is something hard to open the thighs and take a knot!”

He kicks Jason in his belly and laughs at that. Stephanie, despite being unable to move, groan deeply and menacing.

“What sweatheart? It is your?” Joker ask before kick Jason again

This time, Jason fights his instinct and force himself to stay calm. He gets caught because he was stupid enough to panic earlier.

It is not the first time he was paralyzed by a drug. He has to stay calm and focuses to move. He can do it. He will stand, punch the fucking Clown. Scratch that. He will kill the fucking Clown. And he will save his pup. Even if Roy refuses to let him see them after the birth.

“Hello!” Joker yells to his face

Fuck. They are so close, they almost kiss.

“Are you there Hoodie? I remember that you know better how to handle the blows!”

Jason concentrates only to move. He can feel his toes wriggle when Stephanie uses everything strength she has left to take his hand.

“If you’re not the cutest couple here! Joker laughs

-Pudding?

-Excuse me Harley. No one is cutest than us.

-Pudding, what are you doing?

-Are you this stupid?

-You shouldn’t do that …

-What did you expect when I tell you I have a surprise for the Bat, my dear Dumbass?

-Not a pregnant omega …

-No! Nonono! Not you too! You are not this stupid, are you? Joker ask kick Jason again

-Stop that!”

Jason can feel his knee wriggle too. Just a second and he can move his leg to destabilize the Joker.

Joker was going to kick him again but before Jason could feel the pain, Harley punches Joker with her giant mallet.

She looks as surprise as everyone that she actually do that. But she didn’t lose her confidence. She takes place between Jason and Joker.

“Don’t make him loose his pup.” She said

Joker groans at her before attack her.

Jason takes advantage of the diversion; he crawls up to Stephanie, with difficulty because of the drug but with determination all the same.

“S-Spoiler …”

Gods, he voices is so weird almost like it didn’t belong to him.

Inhale, Jason. Exhale. Good, he can do it. He can save them.

“Ja …

-Shh. N-nam…e yo…u re…mem…be…r?

-I … I ‘…m s-s-sorr…y …” She whispers while one of her hand touch his belly

Jason almost cry, thinking that his child could die here because of him. Never Roy will forgive him. Never Jason will forgive him, if he survives.

No. He won’t think about that. Gently he caresses Stephanie hair with his nose.

“Shh. T…They w-will …be … f-fine. You … w-will … be … f-fine. I… I … w-will… be … f-fine.”

Stephanie didn’t success hold back her tears. But it is ok. Jason didn’t think she let herself cry before the Joker and she needed it.

“Shh.

-S-sor…ry … S-s-so s-so…rry …

-I … n-need … kn…now … h-ha…ve …you … a … a …a … com …com …?”

Stephanie shook her head.

Jason wasn’t surprise but he was hopping they had a chance to contact the Bat.

“O…K … O…K. H-ha…ve …so…me…thi…ng …el…se?”

Stephanie start shook her head then stop.

“B-ba…ck … on … my n-ne…ck … bu…t I … I … c-ca…n’t … he”

Jason saw her move her arms and understand what she means. All her fingers are broken and she didn’t seem able to move her shoulder too much. Joker beat her so hard that she was unable use whatever was on her neck and could have help her.

“O…K … F-fine …”

He feels something hit the floor beside them but he decides not to look, only focus on what Stephanie try to show.

It was a tracer, one Bruce like to put on everything his children could wear. It seems like Stephanie turn off this one, and he can’t blame her since he would have done the same thing.

Shit his fingers shake so much.

Inhale, Jason. Exhale.

Gently, slowly, he turns on the device and can only hope they will find them before Joker stop beating Harley to beat them.

“Please, he thinks, I don’t care about my life. I know I shouldn’t be alive. But please. Not my child. They have to survive. Please.”

Stephanie and he put their forehead together, trying breathing as calmly as they can, while they wait for a miracle, too exhausted and wounded to fight.

“You are a stupid bitch, Harley! Joker yells when she was finally unable to fight him anymore. How dare you make me angry? And for what?”

Jason feels Joker catch his leg to pull him. He tried kick him but all he gains was a knife stab his leg.

“For this stupid bitch that waste a perfect joke by coming back! For this stupid bitch that open up his thigh and let any alpha knot him! For this stupid bitch!”

This time Joker will stab him in his stomach. Jason knew it. And he have no arm, can’t barely move, and lost blood because of his leg’s injury.

“Not my child. Not my child. I’m sorry Roy. I’m sorry Lian. I’m sorry baby. I can’t protect you. I knew it and I decide make you suffer anyway.”

Joker finally looks at him and not Harley anymore. But Jason wishes he didn’t to that.

“Last chance Hoodie. Will you be?”

Jason wants to, but he knows the true.

“F-fu…ck … you.”

Joker will love hear him beg and cry while he take everything he wants no matter what.

I’m sorry.

Like in a movie or TV show, it was when all was lost that a miracle occurred.

A batarang stab Joker arm and almost all the Batfamily appears.

Orphan and Red Robin go for Spoiler watching what they can do for her before bring her back to the cave where she can be treated.

Batman and Robin fought the Joker and Harley who seems fight for her “pudding” again. One day she will stop, when she realize she can.

Nigthwing and Batwoman go for him. They look at him like they don’t really believe he is here.

“Little wing, Dick whisper, what the hell are you doing here?”

Jason whine, almost cry. He knew it was a bad idea coming here. He knew he fuck up. Can’t they focus on save his child? The lesson could wait.

“Not important right now. We have to stop his leg bleeding and take him to the hospital. Batwoman said and Jason wants to thank her

-He can’t go in hospital like that. Dick said pointing to his costume but starts stop the bleeding

-We can retire his domino and his top with the symbol on the car. Batwoman retort

-It would be weird that we both bring a pregnant omega …

-What? You never have to bring a pregnant omega to the hospital during one of your patrol? And at least things in the cave change during the last two hour, we can’t take care of him or the baby there.”

Dick bit his lip but didn’t try anymore to argue. The risk their identity was discovered was big, but the health of Jason and his baby was in danger too.

“You are right. Sorry. Everything will be alright Hood, ok? We will take care of you.” Dick smiles gently and Jason truly wants to believe him but he can’t.

He feels pathetic but he needs Roy with him, especially if things go wrong.

While they carry him to Batwoman’s car, Jason tries to explain that to Dick.

“A-Ar…se…nal…

-What?”

At first, Dick frowns then he looks at Jason’s belly and his eyes widened in shock as he understood what he was trying to tell him.

“Ok … Ok … we will tell him where you are as soon as we can phone, ok?”

It is not enough but Jason realize they can’t stop his bleeding and drive and call Roy. So he nods.

Luckily, Gotham is used to their vigilante now, and neither the doctor nor the nurses think much of seeing Batwoman and Nightwing. In an instant, they all focus on the distress pregnant omega.

With the little information, Batwoman and Nightwing give them –The omega was drugged but they don’t know exactly by what, he was maybe punch on his stomach- they start treat him.

Despite their instinct, they leave Jason alone on this hospital. The last thing they need is someone thinking they have a connection.

Dick calls Roy while he was seated on the roof of the building opposite. Roy reacts like expected. He was worried and angry at them. When he knew which hospital Jason was, he hangs up.

Dick sighs but when he sees Kate informs Bruce about Jason’s situation, he thinks it must be worse for her.

“Seriously B? She asks unimpressed. You think it was a good idea brings him to the cave, really? We haven’t anything to make sure the baby is safe. I know that he is hurt; it is for that we bring him to a hospital. Of course we leave. We never stay when we bring a victim to the hospital. You know what B? If you worried, you can come see your damn son.”

She hangs up. She sights loudly.

“Your father is an asshole.”

Dick smile weakly when watch the hospital again. He wants go see Jason. But he can’t come see him as Nightwing neither as Dick Grayson. Fuck if he visits him as Dick Grayson it is sure someone will assume he is his mate and the father of his baby. His baby. His Little wing is pregnant ! And he didn’t know it! He is pregnant with his ex-best friend’s baby! And he didn’t know it!

“You are as worse as him. She said. Come, we will change and see him.

-But what we will tell to the hospital? To the media?”

Kate has no time to respond, they see Bruce Wayne. Not in disguise. Not at Batman. They see Bruce fucking Wayne enters the hospital as himself.

“Same thing as him.”

Bruce, you hypocrite. Dick though.

When Roy finally arrives on the hospital, he is a mess. When Dick calls him he was recovering Lian from Dinah's house. They would go home, prepare the meal until Jason returns safe and sound. Lian did not understand why she had to stay longer. Roy had not said anything to him not to worry but it had not had the desired effect.

He could still hear her cry.

And he didn’t feel much better.

“I receveid a call. He said to the receptionist. My mate is here. He is pregnant. Please tell me how he is.

-What his name is?”

Shit. With which name he was checked in?

No. It wasn’t important. They have agreed on a name for Jason’s new identity.

“His name is Jason Johnson. But I don’t know how he was check in.”

The receptionist looks at him with a sad smile; visibly she was touch by his worry. Roy didn’t met many alpha that was unaffected by a distress omega. They were sympathetic or sexually excited by that.

While she did her research, Roy give her all the files he have to prove the existence of Jason Johnson and that they are mate.

“Roy! Dick calls him and Roy didn’t know how he feels about that. Good thing you are finally here. They didn’t let us seem him. We come here so fast that we didn’t think of take any identity card.”

Roy realizes only now, that not only Dick, but also Bruce, Kate and Damian were here.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?

-Roy, we just want to…

-I don’t care about what you fucking want! Roy exploded. It is because of you Jason is here now!

-You are not fair …

-Oh you must fucking kidding me right now?! I am not fair?

-You can’t keep me for seeing my son.” Bruce intervene on mode Alpha bullshit

If he thinks Roy will let him be impressed, he was mistaken for another omega.

“Oh yeah. The son you are close enough he didn’t want you to know he was pregnant! For fifth month! And he never changes his mind. He didn’t want you to know or have any contact with our child. I don’t have to keep you to see your son; your son doesn’t want to see you!”

Bruce looks so hurt by that, that if it was different circumstance Roy will feel bad for him. But now, Roy thinks Bruce didn’t suffer enough.

He wants yells: “No Gotham, no Red Hood for fifth month! But one call from them and he came risk his life, his and their baby’s life for them. Again and again. But it would never be enough, right?” but he said nothing because, even in his distress, he knew here wasn’t the right place to talk about their job.

“Please. Tell me you find my mate. Roy said to the receptionist

-I find someone but they didn’t have any identity card. The doctor will come soon to tell you if you can see him.

-Soon how?

-Soon like right now.”The doctor said

She was a skinny and tired beta but she was forthright and honest.

“I can’t tell you anything about the patient if I am not sure you are who you said you are. But he is awake enough to tell if they know you. Please come.”

Roy takes back his papers and follows her. He stops when he saw the Batfamily do the same. He groans at them threatening.

“What do you think you doing?”

Bruce groans back and for a moment, everyone though they will fight.

“-Please misters. I will let the patient decide who they want see.” The doctor interrupt not impressed

With difficulty, they all arrive in one piece to the room. The doctor forces them to stay outside while she approaches Jason.

“Mister, there are some people here. Maybe there are your families. Can you confirm it? Can you look at them please and tell me if they can come into your room?”

Jason’s scent reeks from distress and worry. It is almost unbearable even at the door. When Jason looks at them, they can see him crying.

“Roy.” Jason said looking at him miserably

It is enough for Roy who run to him, takes him in his arm and kisses his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, and his lips.

He can’t help himself but put his hand on Jason’s belly. And no word can describe the relief he feels when he feels his child move.

“You’re alive. Our child is alive.” Roy said like he can’t believe it

Jason cries louder making his breathing difficult.

“Shh. I am here. Cry, you will feel better after.”

Roy rock Jason in his arm. He can’t understand why Jason reacts so badly. They are fine. It was a horrible night. But they are fine, right?

“Sorry. The doctor said. But about the other person, do you want to see them?”

Jason shakes his head without look at them.

“Ok. I will let you a moment then I come back explain everything to you, ok?

-Yeah. Thank.” Roy said

Bruce and Dick were devastated by Jason’s reaction and at first refuses to leave. They wanted at least know how Jason was.

“The patient didn’t confirm you are his family. The doctor explain

-I am his father.

-If it is true, come back here tomorrow. Maybe he will confirm that. In the meantime, please leave.

-I will come back tomorrow.” Bruce said more for Jason than the doctor.

Then he leaves and the other follows him.

“Mister?

-Harper. Roy Harper.

-I am the Doctor Olivia Armstrong. If your … mate, right? Right. If your mate agrees, are you ready listen the prognostic?

-I am. Roy said before ask to Jason. Are you? It is ok if you are not …

-I am. Please, just … Don’t stop holding me …”

The doctor let them an instant before saying:

“Your mate was kicking in the stomach more than once and drugs with some paralyzing drug.

-Oh God … Jaybird … Roy said while kisses him again

-We did exam to ensure the health of Mister Jason and the baby.

-And well?

-The drugs don’t seem have long effect on Jason and the baby. In some minutes, it would be off his system without any after effect.

-Ok good. And the bad news?

-Like I already said to Jason … Well there was obviously a detachment of the placenta. The hematoma is peripheral and small so it will not impact the maternal-fetal exchanges.

-What does that mean? Jason and the baby are in danger?

-We will have to impose on Mister Jason total rest and close supervision. At least initially, to make sure that the hematoma does not get worse.

-I killed them. Jason said

-No you didn’t. You are fine. They are fine.

-No they are not.

-Mister Roy, I don’t want trouble you and your mate more but you must know. We cannot guarantee that the pregnancy will end well. We will do everything we can but we cannot promise you everything will be alright.

-I am so sorry.

-Hey, Jaybird. Look at me. Look at me. No matter how it ends it is not your fault, ok?

-You must be so mad … I hate myself so much …

-I want to be mad. Roy confesses. But true is in your place I would have done the same thing.

-God … Doesn’t make us horrible parent?

-Hey! I think we did great with Lian.

-It is because she is so smart.”

Roy laughs and kisses Jason again who relax a little in his arms.

“I love you Jaybird. We will everything for this pregnancy to end well. But no matter the end, I love you.

-I love you too.”

[samcaarter]

So this fic threatened to turn into a long fic, and I do not need another WIP at the moment. But I couldn't stop thinking about this trope, so I'd really like to know if it's something you, guys, would be interested in reading. Basically, the idea is that everything's almost the same except Sam and Jack are "secretely dating, but our friends don't know it, and they want us to get together." ~1900 words, for now anyway

"So you think we should just keep it quiet?"

"Yes," Sam says, chewing on her pencil. "At least for the time being. It's bound to raise questions, and I don't want to deal with them right now."

Jack looks at her seriously. "You can't mean..."

"That I got this job by sleeping with you?"

"You’ve been working on the damn thing longer than I've known about it," he says, his voice rising.

Sam puts the pencil down and smiles at him indulgently. "You know it doesn't really matter. Plus General Hammond is my godfather."

He gets up from his chair and walks towards her. "And you made that thing work. On your own. You've been part of this program for, what, 3 years now?"

Sam nods. "Yeah, but it still won't change anything. Not right away."

"So what? You're going to 'gain their trust' first? That's not fair."

She tugs on his hand and he leans down for a kiss. "Welcome to my life," she murmurs before his lips touch hers.

***

It's late when Daniel catches her in the control room. Not a lot of people are around, so he takes a seat next to her and watches her run a gate diagnostic.

"So, I hear you're the one who made the Stargate work," he says.

Sam glances at him. "So did you."

Daniel shrugs. "All I did was figure out the last symbol. You, on the other hand”–he draws a circle in the air with his finger–"made the gate spin."

She smiles, it is nice to be appreciated. "It was a team effort, really."

"Ah, you're too modest, Carter," a voice behind her says. A voice she knows all too well.

"I don't believe I am, Colonel," she says not turning to look at him.

"No, he's right."

"Give credit where credit is due?" Sam asks.

"Exactly."

"Well, then I believe I should congratulate you, Colonel, on convincing an enemy soldier to switch sides and save all your lovely backsides." She grins at Jack.

Daniel gapes at her, but Jack tries not to smile, she can see that clearly.

"Why thank you. I knew my charming personality was going to come in handy one day," he says and it feels suspiciously close to flirting.

Sam turns back to look at the computer screen and then rises to her feet, she’ll come back in two hours. "Well, maybe you can charm everyone who serves the Goa'uld to the light side?" she says as she walks past him, not stopping to wait for his reply.

He doesn't say anything, but she can feel him and Daniel stare at her retreating back. Maybe they shouldn’t be quite so flirty on the base though.

***

When Sam slams the locker door closed and then proceeds to kiss his face off, Jack doesn't think much. Literally. Because his brain is a little foggy, and there's nothing inherently strange in Sam kissing him.

But there is an annoying little voice in his head that keeps insisting that they're keeping their relationship quiet, and that Sam would never risk someone walking in on them in the locker room. Making out. Like it's the last thing they'll ever do.

So he puts his hands on her shoulders and pushes her away. Except Sam doesn't move an inch. She only makes a sound of protest and kisses him harder.

For a moment he stops thinking altogether. Whatever she wants, she can have. And if she wants him in the locker room, who is he to question her, really?

The common sense and the last shred of his self restraint win. And he tears his mouth away from hers. "What the hell, Sam?"

She doesn't seem put out by his tone at all. "I want you. You want me?"

He does, oh he really does, but that's when he notices the gleam in her eyes. Not the usual arousal induced gleam, he knows that one too well, but something wild. Her hair is tousled, too, and there is no way she’d ever wear that tank top on the base.

The recent episode with Johnson may hold the answer to that question.

Sam doesn't wait for him to say anything and kisses him again. Jack feels his will melt away like an ice cream in summer heat, but there is something not right with her. And he doesn't want her like that. No matter what his body says.

She slams him onto a bench and he groans. "What's gotten into you?"

But it's like she doesn't even hear him. "I want you."

She leans down to kiss him again when he rolls them onto the floor. His hand automatically cradles the back of her head to protect it. There's no doubt he'll tease her about this later, but first he needs to make sure there's nothing seriously wrong with her. Or fix it, if there is.

***

All in all it really doesn't surprise him that there are bad things they can bring back through the gate. Though it doesn't make him panic. He thinks it should, but it's a complicated topic to think about, so he just stands in the control room and stares at the game.

"Jack! There you are," Daniel says as he walks up to him. "I got on the internet to do a little research on Australopithecus and, whoa, what happened to you?"

Jack touches his neck, feeling the scratches. "Oh, I got into a little wrestling match with Carter." Daniel looks confused. "I guess she's got whatever Johnson got. I had to drag her off to the infirmary."

"Did she try to start a fight with you?"

He really feels like he should confirm it and be done with it, but his brain and mouth don't seem to be connected anymore. "No, she tried to seduce me."

Daniel just stares, processing the information. "Oh. You poor man."

Jack gives him a look, does he think it's funny? "No, it wasn't like that. She was... like a wild animal."

"Is she alright? I should go see her."

That makes Jack narrow his eyes at the other man. "Why?"

Daniel frowns. "Why? Because I care about her." He starts to turn, but Jack grabs his jacket, startling him.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I care about her. She is my friend," Daniel says carefully, realizing that something isn't right.

Except it's a little too late. Jack flashes back to his and Sam's conversation about their relationship. And how no one, including Daniel, knows that she's his. The fact that Daniel has a wife he loves completely escapes Jack's attention. All that's left is this need to claim Sam. His grip on Daniel's jacket tightens. "She's not yours to care about."

"Okay, I don't. I don't care about her at all," Daniel says clearly trying not to antagonize Jack further, but it only spurs him on.

Sam's clearly sick, and he claims to be her friend, but doesn't even care about her wellbeing? Hot white rage fills Jack's entire being and he punches Daniel in the face, knocking him down onto his ass.

He only vaguely hears shouting before he’s dragged away.

***

They don't talk to each other after Janet figures out the cure. Sam tells herself it's because there wasn't any time, but she still has no idea what happened to Jack. She only knows he got infected, too, and that he volunteered to be Janet’s guinea pig. It's something she really wants to talk to him about, but later, right now they have to save Daniel and the other Touched.

And Sam's going with SG-1 and SG-3.

They find Daniel in the company of the Touched, and what seems to be in the company of Tuplo's daughter.

"Daniel, you're married, for god's sake," Jack mumbles under his nose, and then gestures to everyone to tranq them.

"I'll give him an injection," Sam says getting up to her feet and moving towards Daniel and the woman.

They don't look happy at all, snarling and crouching as if preparing to attack her. Sam freezes, she can't get close enough without them tackling her, and waits for someone to shoot them. Jack doesn't disappoint. She turns to see him standing several feet behind her, his gun still pointed at the now still form of Daniel lying on the ground.

"Thanks," Sam says.

"Sure." He doesn't look at her, but instead gestures to Teal'c. "Let's take him to the Light side of the planet. He'll be our proof."

***

"We'll teach you how to take care of the rest," Jack says, helping Tuplo and Melosha up to their feet, before turning to walk back to the city.

She falls into step beside him, trying not to think how they could've infected their entire planet

"Uh, I hear you got into a fight with your roommate." Jack's words startle her out of her thoughts and she looks up at him.

"Oh, yeah, it's nothing, really. There won't even be a scar. Apparently I started it," she says rolling her eyes.

He looks her over and smirks. "Guess we're lucky you're usually so nice and polite."

She wants to at least poke him in the ribs, but they're not alone, so she settles for glaring at him.

"Who's so nice and polite?" Daniel asks from behind, having caught up with them.

"No one," Sam says.

"Well, definitely not Jack." He moves to Sam's left side and then glances at Jack.

Now she's curious. "What makes you say that?"

"Uh, he," Daniel says smiling. "He actually punched me in the face."

Sam feels her mouth open and turns to Jack. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else, but, she notices, doesn't move any quicker.

"Yeah, he did. And you know why?"

"Why?"

Daniel's grin is absolutely huge now. "He was, uh, defending your honor, I think."

Sam frowns, but Daniel doesn't seem to notice.

"Yeah. He said you tried to seduce him, and then got all alpha male, I guess."

"Daniel," Jack says, his voice tight.

Sam feels her face turn red. She remembers it quite clearly. But now she'd like to know just how many other people know about it, too.

"You weren't yourself, I know. An apology would still be nice."

"Will you shut up then?"

"I will."

"Fine. I'm sorry I got infected," Jack says and then does quicken his pace.

Sam and Daniel stop and watch him move away from them.

"I guess you should've been more specific," Sam says, biting her lip.

"Next time I will," Daniel says cheerfully.

Sam raises her eyebrows, thankful that she's not on the same team with these two giant children, and starts walking after Jack.

"Hey, why’d you pick him?" Daniel asks catching up with her.

"I'm not talking about it. Ever." But he doesn't seem convinced. "I'm not above telling the Colonel that you keep bugging me, you know."

Daniel gasps. "You wouldn't."

Sam grins. He really doesn't need to know that she can very well punch him herself just yet.

[fantroll-purgatory]

FIRST: Alternia or Beforus or some type of AU? Proximia babey!!

(Also quick note before I start I throw in a few small headcanons her and there mainly for the whole military arrangement and some about possible classism that weren’t mentioned in the original Proximia reference sheet so feel free to correct me if anything I said is wrong!) (I screamed when this came into the box. Thank you for expanding on my fanplanet!) -SA

Name: Temuji Cycero

Namesake: Named after Genghis Khan and Cicero because both her military and political ambitions plus what Genghis Khan did during his own rule fits well into what she would like to do for the Empire (and her whole story is generally very strongly based on him)

Age: ~9 sweeps (19 years)

Strife Specibus: saberkind and crossbowkind

Fetch Modus: Chess (She is given one of those almost finished games you know like in the newspapers where there is a few more moves to pull to win so she as to solve that in order get the item she needs) (Ooooh a Chessmaster. We’ll have to work this in as we go.)

Blood color: Violet

Symbol: Aquiborn, Sign of the Hedonist

 or Aquacen, Sign of the Avant-Garde

Trolltag: cholericGenghis

Quirk: /Like 7his./ (This would work especially well for Aquacen!)

Lusus: Not sure yet tbh, I was thinking maybe a turtle? I thought that maybe giving her a more “tame” and non-threatening lusus that tought her discipline, love, protection and to control herself would be a neat idea (Turtle-mom teaches Temuji to be TOUGH but together. Also, as a tangent- in Steven King’s It, the kids are aligned with a giant cosmic turtle that is the anthithesis to It’s fear-based entity powers.)

Oh man this leads me to question if there are different lusus rules on Proximia? Can violets have landdwelling lusii? Could a yellow have a seal? Could a rust have a dragonfly? What rules are there? Are we unfettered by both god and man? 

Personality: Temuji has a strong personality which she acquired from growing up in a more peaceful environment which shot down many of her military ambitions and both political and national defense ideas, but this did not turn her bitter nor did it turn her into a brute. She is cruel and snarky with her enemies and quick to shoot back with one of her witty remarks towards anyone who laughs at her ambitions, but always using her words instead of fists. She is a firm believer that words can sting even more so than wounds and that there is no need for violence where it is not necessary so she uses her cleverness to snap back in very provoking public call outs. She might be strict and disciplined but that doesn’t mean she isn’t ready to insult back if she feels she has been slighted. There is no denying she is a big advocate for forming a stronger and more organized Proximian military, though it isn’t as malicious as it may sound. This is mainly because of her fear of the Alternian conquerors and any others like them, she knows how dangerous it can get out there and with Proximia beginning to venture out into the unknown she wants to be ready for the worst. She also considers loyalty, steadfastness, valour and honesty to be the greatest virtues, and tries her best to live by them. She is open to new ideas and more than tolerant of other caste which is why she sees the Hemotraids as a far nicer reform of the brutal Alternian Hemospectrum, but only slightly less oppressive since she herself has been trying desperately to get into The Control Triad only to be laughed off along with her concerns as a silly fisherman kid insanely rambling to herself about war. It might seem on first glance that she dislikes Proximia but in all honesty all of her concerns come from wanting to better their already wonderful Empire as well as protect it. (She’s got some very valid concerns! Proximia hasn’t been discovered by the Condesce as of yet (they’re far enough off course that conventional wisdom is that she won’t go looking for them) but you never know with The Batterwitch.)

(I find it very amusing that she wants to be in the Control Triad like… she has no psychic powers and the Burgundies are like “Can you talk to ghosts? Can you MOVE OBJECTS WITH YOUR MIND?” and she’s like “…No. But I wanna be where the people are!” Being from the Worker Triad would definitely get her that kind of react for your average RBY blooded troll too, as they trend heavily towards the cosmopolitan, “posh” ways of life.)

Interests: History, legendary conquerors, military tactics, studying Alternia, politics and law, strategy board games, card games, debate, hunting (What she’d be able to get her hands on when it comes to Alternian lore is AT LEAST several centuries out of date, so it dovetails into her love of History really well! Does the ancient mongol look stem from that too? Is she trying to emulate a more Alternian style? Or is she thinking of Early Proximian Warlords, People-Who-Knew-The-Forgiven style?) (I feel like she HAS to have some interest in psionics and “lowblood” powers if she’s envious of the Control Triad. That’s their claim to fame, after all. Maybe she’s so interested in history PARTIALLY because of the myth of how The Forgiven turned the Mother Grub Fuschia? Maybe she has some desire to twist her own blood color by injecting psionic blood colors into her to obtain those powers, even if she rationalizes it away as silly and impossible.)

The idea of her having a fixation on like ESP and like, the ol’ Spoon Bending Trick is a hilarious concept. Catch her trying to figure out how to use her mental fortitude to turn the light on to no avail. 

Title: Witch of Rage or Blood (I think Blood is your way to go. Her goals are to warp the blood-based system she lives in to better benefit herself, her goals are all high minded and virtue based, AND she’s got the military influence.) (Witches of Blood are likely social innovators, given that they change and bend tethers and people’s bonds! The inverse, Seer of Breath, gives the Witch the knowledge to understand that all of these bonds are not set in stone- they’re things we CHOOSE and stick by, not proclamations of some greater power.)

Land: I couldn’t think of one to save my life

Maybe her quest could involved overcoming a conqueror, as a way to embody her desire to protect and form strong bonds? Land of Spires and Tyranny or some such? Or you could go with an imprisoned metaphor, the people of the planet are all in chains of bondage to the denizen and she has to unit them together to break out. Land of… Spires and Shackles? Options!

Dream Planet: Derse (This is a Derse player if I’ve ever seen one. Rebellion against biology as much as society? Natch.)

Appearance: I didn’t quite have the time or energy to draw out a full design but so far I know I want her to have an ancient mongolian themed hairstyle and as for clothes I’ve been looking for a way to incorporate the theme with a few adjustments to modernise it, make it look good and stop myself from going overboard with the theme/making it too gimmicky, so if you have any advice feel free to comment but if not never mind thanks for the review anyways!! ^^

I fussed with this for a while and I don’t know that it’s PERFECT, but I wanted to do what you said and take the general idea of some of the styles from traditional mongolian fashion and like, morph them into a more modern silhouette while Also retaining the idea that Temuji doesn’t actually have any knowledge of the fashion trends she’s trying to replicate and is just kinda making use of the remnants of the concepts. A lot to balance. 

We can also see here that she’s said fuck blood and is wearing rby colors, which SA has said would be seen as mildly childish/another reason she could be taken not-so-seriously. 

[thenerdytomboynewb96]

Samantha Allan Park Ch. 47

Any references to TMNT or anything from popular media and culture is NOT MINE. I only own my OC's. Any references to “TMNT Out of the Shadows” DO NOT BELONG TO ME. Only my additions that I came up with myself belong to me. Anything from the films or other series ARE NOT MINE, only my OC’s and my ideas that I have added onto the story FOR FUN. Thank you.

Chapter #47

Saturday July 11th, 2015. 3a.m. at the lair-or so we think Theme: All Time Low-Nightmares

“Why…Why can’t you just learn to shut up and listen?!” Sam shouted, still standing in place where she was now a few steps away from Raph. “Do you honestly think I wanted this? You think that I openly joined that shitty clan? I’d rather die than loyally join them! But you wouldn’t know that because you can’t keep your mouth shut!” Sam now slowly started walking forward towards Raph, whose shell was still stuck in the wall after she had kicked him in her rage. “Sam, wait-” “SHUT UP!” As Sam screamed out, forceful wind gusts flew out to the sides of her body. “You don’t know anything, god there’s still so much that you don’t yet know and understand. But hey, months of getting to know someone obviously doesn’t mean shit to you. Someone telling you about the most terrifying and scarring parts of their life obviously DOESN’T MEAN SHIT to you. Watching someone breakdown in front of you, open their heart to you, you saw all of that first hand, and how do you react? You degrade that person’s family and call them a liar! This is why I didn’t come to you guys in the first place, I knew you would react this way, ESPECIALLY YOU! I knew I made the right decision when I did and you’ve given me all the proof I need that I never should have trusted you EVER. You know how trapped you feel right now, that fear of not being able to control a damn thing that’s about to happen to you? I’ve been living that way since Thursday night. Wrong, I’ve been living that way my entire life! You’re right, my life is so fucked up that I am broken, and now you’re going to know what it’s like to be broken to.”

Sam paused…where were the others? This was when Mikey was supposed to link arms with her and pull her back, when Leo was supposed to shove her away and then Donnie pin her neck against the wall with his bo. This was when the three prevented her from killing her brother by punching his face to mush, so where were they? “They’re not coming” Raph mumbled. Sam looked up in horror as she saw Raph was now missing an eye, as if it had literally just been ripped from his face. Sam just stood there, covering her mouth since she sensed she was about to throw up. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” Raph asked, as small drips of blood escaped from his lips as he spoke. “This is what you wanted. You knew that if you let me make you mad that this would happen.” “No-” she choked out, only to continue to be cut off by the turtle in front of her who continued to look worse and worse every time she had the guts to somehow look back at him. “Yes, you knew Shredder was experimenting on you and yet you still took those pills to help you get out of those restraints. And then you got into an argument with me, knowing you would turn into a monster and would kill me-” “I NEVER MEANT TO KILL YOU!!!” Sam shrieked as she looked back at Raph as the tears were pouring from her eyes. More and more tears poured from her sockets as she saw that Raph’s face was now black and blue. His face had changed color so drastically that only the green from the rest of his skin proved that his face had ever been green at all. “And yet you were going to. That punch, if you were lucky enough to calm yourself to only throw one, would have crushed my skull. My brain wouldn’t exist anymore. You wanted to murder me.” As Raph spoke his voice slowly became louder and louder. “I never wanted-” “But you were going to! You had no self-control and my life meant that little to you!” “It wasn’t me, I needed to get away so I injected some mutagen-” “Knowing it would give you strength! Strength so that you could KILL ME!” “No! I-” “YOU’RE A MURDERER! YOU WANTED TO KILL AND YOU WERE GOING TO! If my brothers hadn’t shown up then what do you think you were going to do Sam?!” At this point Raph had somehow gained the strength to remove himself from the wall and he was now walking towards Sam. “Raph, please-” “WERE WE GONNA HUG IT OUT?! I DON’T THINK SO! I knew what you wanted and you were a second away from stealing my life, the life of one of your best friends, of one of your brothers! WHAT SISTER TRIES TO KILL HER OWN FAMILY?!?!” Raph bellowed as his voice echoed off the walls of the dojo. That’s when he marched right up to her and grabbed her by the neck. He pulled her so that her ear from her shaking head was right in front of his mouth. “Well, since you intended to kill me, I guess I’ll have to fight back in self-defense” he whispered, and once the words escaped his bleeding lips, he slammed her face first into the ground. Sam was too shocked to speak as he pulled her back up, his hand still gripped onto her neck. Sam could feel that her nose was broken and she could taste the blood in her mouth from all different types of cuts. She was amazed that she could feel or taste anything as the air was being prevented from entering her body to allow her to breathe because of the grip around her neck. “How does it feel Sam? To die from having your face bashed in again and again?” Raph snarled as he repeatedly slammed Sam’s face against the concrete beneath them. Sam then began to howl in pain. She happened to look into a piece of broken glass that just happened to be on the ground nearby and saw that her face now resembled his: her nose had been crushed, where his eye was gone that eye of hers was completely bloodshot red, there were cuts and small chunks taken from her ear lobes (matching the patches of skin scratched off along the sides of his head), her lips were cut and bloodied, and her cheeks were black, blue, and purple, besides for the rest of the red blood that coated her face. She knew that this was a symbol of what Raph would have looked like if she had succeeded in punching the shit out of him that night if she hadn’t been stopped by the others.

“Stop it! I never meant for this! I never wanted this!” she wailed as she lost feeling in a majority of her body. “And yet you joined the Foot, joined them on missions, and then had the guts to defend and protect them rather than hiding yourself so that we couldn’t find you! YOU’RE WEAK! YOU’RE AN IDIOT! AND WORST OF ALL, you let yourself get caught! You tried to kill me, so I’m going to make you see what happens when you attack someone with a temper they can’t control.” Sam braced herself as Raph flipped her over and was now positioning himself to slam the back of her head down onto the solid already bloodied concrete for the final time.

Sam jolted awake and was now sitting up in bed. Her breathing was ridiculously fast and she could feel the tears in her eyes and the vomit in her throat. She sprinted to the bathroom down the hall and threw up into the toilet a couple of times and then dry heaved for a couple of minutes before her body finally calmed down and allowed her to realize it was just another nightmare.

Since all her friends knew that Jay was going to be away for two weeks on his honeymoon, a bunch of Sam’s female friends and their older sisters who were friends with Brenda and Jay had invited themselves to come over to the apartment earlier that night and hangout with Sam so that she wouldn’t feel lonely (not realizing she had planned to spend the entire two weeks underground). This meant that she had returned home for the day and had spent the entire day in her house talking, dancing, playing games, and doing all other sorts of things with her friends. This had gone on all the way until 12:45a.m. to which the last females safely took an Uber home since multiple guests had to work the next day. Sam had decided to call it a night and after a quick shower she hopped into bed and decided she would join up with her friends later that day. She never expected that she would have yet another nightmare. She had been having nightmares ever since she lost her siblings, but they had decreased tremendously once she became friends with the turtles…but then they came back and were ten times worse after she had joined the Foot.

She had lost track of how many she had and how they involved everyone. One nightmare involved Raph and Mikey being killed at police headquarters after she had helped the two sneak in. Another nightmare involved the brothers getting hurt when they went to save Sam from Shredder after she joined the Foot and their rescue attempt had failed. One dream involved the older three blaming Sam because Mikey had taken his own life after not being able to handle Sam dying from saving him from being affected by the electronic whip that technically killed her the first time. She also had a dream where she messed up when she tricked Karai into thinking she would hurt the turtles when she froze the electric whip she had aimed at Mikey and in this case had hurt him so badly that he ended up with severe injuries afterwards. She had had a few dreams where she hurt Donnie as he helped her test her limits with her powers and she lost control. She had dreams where she hurt the brothers, and some involved the brothers hurting her. Some dreams involved one or more of the brothers harming her in order to avenge a brother that she had hurt or killed. Tonight she had had a dream about the time where she easily could have killed Raph if no one had come to intervene, and obviously this dream focused on her realizing what could have happened if she had actually killed Raph while also making her receive a taste of her own medicine from the wrath she threw at him that same night.

Once Sam’s body had calmed down she quickly left the bathroom, grabbed her bag with her gear in it, and threw on a hoodie since she had been in her pajamas and hadn’t been wearing a bra underneath. She then adjusted the locks and scanners in her room as he left through the balcony stairway outside her window and then entered the sewers through a manhole in the alley behind her apartment building. This was instantly what she did every time she had one of these nightmares. Whoever was most involved with her in the nightmare was always who she visited instantly. It was as if the only thing that made everything okay was actually seeing the person she thought she had harmed, or who she thought had harmed her, and confirming with them that everything had been a horrible dream and that in reality everyone was safe and okay. Of course, she always did this without telling a soul. There were multiple nights where Jay had contacted the guys in a panic because Sam wasn’t home and he hadn’t known that she had had a nightmare and had gone underground and visited whoever she had the nightmare about. She was also reprimanded by all her brothers since she would go visit that person involved in the nightmare regardless of whether or not it was a safe time to do so. Again, it was a little after 3.a.m. and Sam was now leaving her building and wandering the sewers alone, knowing the Foot and Purple Dragons still existed.

But this was what Sam did, every single time. She was silent (besides for her heavy breathing) as she walked at an incredibly fast pace down the sewer tunnels towards the lair. She had a tablet in her hands that she used to hack into Donnie’s systems so that she could enter the lair without waking anyone. In record time she entered the lair and quickly turned a corner from the living room so that she was now heading towards Raph’s bedroom. She had tossed her tablet onto the couch and was now booking it towards the bedroom. Usually if the door was locked she would just ‘slump’ her body so that it forcefully leaned on the door and made enough noise to awaken whichever brother was in the dream that time. If the door was unlocked then she would ever so slowly open it, and if the brother was sleeping then she would literally carefully climb into the bed with them and within seconds they would know what was going on.

Sam didn’t have a chance for either of these things to happen since she saw that the door was open and that Raph was not in the room once she arrived. This made Sam worry that her dream was more than just a dream and that Raph was actually gone. What if everything else was a dream and she had actually killed Raph? She had no right to be here, but did the brothers even know? What if she had hurt him so much that there wasn’t a body left, did they even know where Raph was? Had she hurt them? Oh god what if she didn’t just unleash her wrath on Raph and she had harmed the other brothers?! What if-”

Suddenly muscular arms wrapped themselves around her. She hadn’t realized her knees were buckling beneath her and that she was about to collapse into a ball on the floor until she felt the arms wrap themselves around her and help keep her standing on her feet. “It’s okay, it’s okay. He’s in my room, that’s where he crashed. I’ll go get him, okay?” Sam recognized Mikey’s voice and she recognized his touch as he was now gently rubbing his hands up and down her arms. The feeling made her feel more relaxed and allowed her to respond with a nod of her head. Mikey then gently scooped her up and carried her over towards his brother’s bed where he sat her down. He kneeled down in front of the girl who had brought her knees up to her chest and had wrapped her arms tightly around her knees. He saw the redness in her eyes and could tell that this had been a really bad nightmare. “I’m gonna go get him, so don’t leave okay? He’s fine I promise. Breathe with me” he said as he put his hands on both of the girl’s cheeks and took slow breaths and continued to do so until her breathing matched his.

Mikey then eased his way out of the room, never taking his eyes off of Sam until he literally couldn’t see her anymore, and seconds later Raph had walked into the room. He quickly made his way over to the bed and threw his arms around the girl who was already beginning to cry again. “Whatever I did or whatever you did, we’re both okay. We’re healthy and we’re safe, no one is hurt or in danger I promise” he reassured her as he kept his arms wrapped around her. He hated to hear her cry, and it broke him even more when he saw her cry, but he knew that when she was like this she needed someone to take care of her. Sam was one of the toughest people he had ever met, but there were still times where she was weak and needed others in order to get by. This was one of those times.

The two just sat there for a few minutes as the girl released her tears as she cried into his shoulder. Raph just sat there and did the regular things that got Sam to calm down: he ran his hand up and down her back, he ran his fingers through her hair. Sam had made it clear to all the brothers that she was a touchy feely person even if not necessarily in a romantic way. Once a few minutes had passed and Sam had calmed down Raph leaned back and looked her in the eye. This was usually the signal that he was ready to listen to whatever it was that had happened. Sam took a long breath, and struggled in doing so, before she finally spoke. “I had the dream where I almost killed you again” she whimpered. Raph sighed and ran his hand down his face. “Man, again? Was it the same as last time where you beat me to a pulp and then faced my brothers afterwards?” he asked in a guilty manner, hating himself for even leading Sam to have these past experiences that now lead her to having these nightmares. “No actually. This one was different” she said as she timidly looked up at him. “This time it was you who ridiculed me. Your face became more and more deformed as you verbally and then physically fought back.” Raph looked as if he had seen a ghost. This was a new nightmare scenario indeed. Usually when Sam had this nightmare she had already killed Raph and she was either tortured with the realization of the monster she almost became, or she faced the emotional and physical fights from his brothers as they avenged their brother by attacking his killer, but this time it was him who had harmed Sam in the nightmare. “Did…did I do something that made the dream change?” he asked as he looked more to his left and down at the bed. Sam rapidly shook her head. “Of course not. I talked to a therapist about this once and he told me that sometimes when similar nightmares change it’s because of alternate scenarios that could have happened. I guess this time my mind wondered how you would have reacted if I had paused. I guess my mind assumed you would have resumed to defending yourself and would have killed me since I had intended to kill you…wait, I mean!-” “I know what you meant Sam. The mutagen kicked in and made you go haywire after I set you off. You never meant to hurt me, you just lost control because of me.” Sam could tell by the look in his eye that he regretted every scene that was replaying itself in his head. Man she wished she could take back everything that had happened that night not even a full year ago.

She gently held onto Raph’s right arm. He looked up at her, the shame in his thoughts displayed on his face. “Hey, we both wish we could go back and fix what happened. But it’s okay now. Just like you said, we’re both healthy and we’re both safe. Everything worked out and everything is back to normal again. Everything was out of context and we both made mistakes, but we’ve grown and learned from them. These nightmares aren’t your fault” she said in a soothing tone. The girl’s words were helpful, but there were still dark thoughts in the turtles mind. “Do you ever wonder what life would be like now? If one of those bad scenarios actually happened?” he asked shyly. Sam sighed and flopped back onto the bed. “All the time. I wonder what would have happened if I had actually killed you. I know I never would forgive myself. I know your brothers would shun me, and I wouldn’t blame them-” “Stop” Raph said rather harshly, although he hadn’t intended to sound that way. Sam paused and pursed her lips together and kept them shut. “Just…I wonder the same thing” Raph mumbled, continuing to look everywhere but at her, but that was before Sam shot up and made him look at her. “What are you talking about?” she asked. Raph sighed. “You could have died if something had gone wrong while you were with the Foot, and I’m the main reason we didn’t help you. I pushed you over your limits because I had to be an ass about not fully trusting you and then what do we learn? You’ve been covering for us the whole damn time.” Sam now realized that as Raph talked through gritted teeth he was also clenching his fists together. She looked up at him with gentle eyes only to see that he had reverted back to looking away from her. Sensing the tension in the air, Sam leaned over and rested her head on the turtles shoulder. “You can’t keep thinking that way. I know I need to stop thinking this way as well. It’s these thoughts that keep making us have these nightmares” she muttered. She felt an arm wrap around her. “I know, but I can’t just ignore how I acted and I can’t just ignore what could have happened if things didn’t turn out as lucky for us as they did.” “Well then don’t forget what happened, but keep thinking about how to make up for it” Sam said as she sat back up and looked him in the eyes. “Next time I act all sketchy, now you know to trust me no matter what. And you also know that no matter what situation I’m in that I’ll always have your back, same for the others.” This finally got Raph to smile. “Yeah, and I know from now on that you’ll never go behind our backs. Unless it’s a prank war that is” he said with a smirk. Sam shrugged. “Everyone is each other’s enemies when the prank wars begin my friend. No one can ever be trusted during those times.” She was happy to see that Raph was feeling better as he chuckled from her comment. Sam rocked herself forward and then stood up in front of him. “So, you ready for the next part of getting past nightmares?” she asked as she held her hand in front of her for him to take.

When Sam went to talk to whichever brother was involved in the nightmare, a new tradition had come about within each pairing. She and Leo would always go meditate and would then discuss the nightmare while drinking tea in his room. Donnie, being the speed demon that he was, loved to run out his emotions with Sam before the two officially found a spot to cool down and talk things out. Mikey and Raph handled things the opposite way. Mikey needed to talk things out and then needed to complete a fun activity with his partner in crime afterwards to prove that everything was okay. Raph also needed to talk things out before he could do anything else, and afterwards, he needed to complete some type of physical activity. Usually the two would work out in the dojo, but sometimes they completed more leisurely activities as well. Tonight Raph was more interested in using the batting cages in the secret hangout that Mikey and Sam had prepared which was now a huge underground fun house.

Raph looked up at Sam before taking her hand. “Before we end this conversation, you know I would never hurt you, right? Putting the past in the past, nothing like that will ever happen again and I’ll never treat you like I did. You know that, right?” he asked cautiously. Sam brought her hand back to her side. “I know that as long as you know I’ll never do anything to betray you guys ever again, and I swear I’ll never hurt any of you guys either. The past is the past, and nothing from the past will ever repeat itself.” Raph nodded with a small smirk. “In that case, race you to the batting cages!” he announced as he quickly lunged forward, scooped Sam up, and tossed her onto his bed as he then ran out the door. “Mikey let’s go!” Raph called, knowing that his youngest brother would still be awake, and this was proven correct as a hyper Michelangelo dashed through the hallways and was now silently tailing his brother. Sam sat up as quick as she could and tried to catch up to the others as fast as she could. The whole time she was laughing and having fun with her brothers she continued to remind herself that she would NEVER let the past repeat itself ever again. Her life was perfect and she would never allow anything to ever change that.

[kawai-kettu]

We need to talk about The Death Cure (3/5)

We need to talk about the Death Cure :

1. The Movie in General

2. Scene by Scene

3. The characters

4. The pairings

5. Random thoughts

The characters

- I loved, absolutely loved Teresa in this. I’ve always been fond of her character as played by Kaya Scodelario, but honestly? I’ve felt so bad for her, for how much she’s been trying, to no avail. For the sacrifices she’s made, even if no one acknowledges them : accepting to be hated, to be isolated, to lose people, all for the sake of helping people she doesn’t even know… She really takes after her namesake, Mother Teresa, wanting to help all of humanity, not discriminating between rich and poor, contrary to Janson’ dreams of a transformed society. I liked how incredibly strong she is, focused on her goal ; yet, she has clear limits, that’s for sure, and she’s being eaten alive by her guilt over what she’s doing (that scene of her trying to explain to a vegetative Minho that they’re doing good, I felt so bad for her ç___ç ), but… She still does what (she feels) needs to be done. We get an example of that when she injects the new serum to Shai : everyone except her flinches when witnessing this child’s pain, even though she clearly cares for the child. I also like that though she has sided with WCKD, she’s still different from them, and it’s made clear in the way she’s dressed. For example, for the business meeting, she’s wearing a suit vest, looking business like….. except it’s worn over a dress, a pretty one but not a very formal one, making her look like she tried to look like Ava but isn’t really like her at her core. As for the rest of her outfits, I was under the impression she went for casual and practical, but I need to rewatch to confirm that.

- I’ve been wanting to shake and strangle Thomas for most of the movie, for his mistakes and errors of judgment ; he’s acting out of good reasons, but he’s also reckless, impulsive and not thinking things through… ….which I loved. I hate perfect characters, and Thomas, in all of his faults, is believable, real and incredibly human (plus a realistic teenager). I’ve also been wanting to hug him so much, he broke my heart. DOB really delivers, with his acting, showing how guilty Thomas feels, how much he really hopes he’ll find a way to atone and make things right for his friends, at least for them, and for everyone if possible. He doesn’t necessarily voice it (though his exchange with Brenda about this is amazing, and totally a character defining moment), but the many shots where he looks broken, right from the start of the movie, speak volumes. He doesn’t care for the rest of the world, for humanity in general, contrary to Teresa, but he would accomplish miracles for his friends (……sadly, sometimes, even miracles are not enough). …….seriously, I hope someone makes sure he’s okay in Paradise, because he’ll need a therapy.

- Newt…. oh gods, Newt. He’s so very complex too and rendered that way. Capable of thinking silently, but also of voicing doubts, with his clever sense of humour. And despite this, following Thomas’ crazy ideas (which, I wonder, can be seen as a sign Thomas makes him want to live wildly or that following Thomas is a kind of suicide). Not only that, but Newt seems to be the only one to understand how Thomas work, that the guy will focus on his current objectives, disregarding everything else. Therefore, Newt places himself as a defender, a protector, looking for dangers that Thomas doesn’t see, and he intervenes when he thinks the situations needs to. For example when they’re at the protes, Newt is the one looking out for dangers, in this case, the approaching soldiers. For another example, see Newt protecting Thomas from getting shot by Janson :D Or, more subtly…. at the Rebels' HQ, Newt keeps shooting silent glances at Thomas, very quickly, then at Gally, and less often at Fry. On a different and more depressing note, I liked how they played out his illness. Given how in control of himself Newt is, he manages to hide his state and slow the illness far longer than Brenda or Winston did. Yet they needed to show this somehow, so how Newt is very obviously playing with his hand now and then, until it starts to really get worse. And at the very end, I absolutely loved this shot of him looking at the hellish street, the fire, with the music picking up and the image getting blurry, it was an incredible way to symbolize him losing to the virus, really ç___ç

- Minho was amazing too, we got to see a very different side of him. In previous scenes, we had seen a fighter, a strong, composed character, charismatic and secure in his strength. But in The Death Cure.... Well... At the beginning, he looked so much more vulnerable, tired, weakened .....yet not broken : I loved the way he kept rebelling. Like his death glare at the beginning, when Janson is picking at him knowing Thomas rescue mission failed… But also, later the way he played at Teresa, just to be able to let his rage explode. He’s clearly a ball of frustration and anger and resentment at being treated like an animal. Also, I love how his quick thinking and reflexes are highlighted too, the way he cleverly uses every opportunity and manage to wait for the right moment, even when he’s been tortured for a year and should be definitely broken (he must have been a difficult prisoner, I want to hear all the things he pulled on them XD). He doesn’t let his anger control him, instead acting clever yet also using his instinct, which is clearly what differentiates him from Thomas. Also…. I love how he’s still the powerhouse of the group ; I would have wanted even more of that. Where Thomas is overpowered by Janson, Minho (even when he’s weakened after a year of captivity) still manages to win a fight against at least three men, one of which having a weapon, and another combat trained.

- Frypan is the cutest guy in this movie, I wanted to protect him from this all and bring him back to a safe place. Seriously, he made me chuckle so much but also made me smile whenever he talked. I felt bad for him, too, worrying for everyone, with his big and soft heart, not built for these crazy adventures but still trying and following the others. I kept watching his reactions, and I wish we’d seen more of him, seriously, he was not used enough. (Which is made it very difficult to get a decent picture of him)

- I liked Brenda, but I liked her far more in the second part of this movie. When she had to make difficult decisions, decisions that killed her, like leaving Thomas behind, I was happy to see her live by the advice she had given Thomas, accepting that she has to, for the sake of the group of children she’s in charge of. I’ve loved her raw energy and crazy adrenaline-addiction, kinda reminding me of Clara in DW but also underlining how much she’s a spiritual daughter to Jorge. And I loved how brave she was, she really shone in the bus scene, having grown from the presence of both male characters she was linked with (Jorge and Thomas). And she clearly has the shoulders to take control ; it would be awesome to see what she’ll become in the next years, but it’s a given she’ll grow to become even more badass. I think it’s also this survivalist mentality, taking responsibility for the people she saved, that separates her from Thomas, who would endanger the group for the sake of his closest ones, I think. (Also........I prefered her with short hair though.)

- I’ve been so happy to see Gally again, he’s one of my faves and has been since TMR (He’s complex and interesting and I feel so sad that he’s considered by many to be a bad guy, given that his point of view is VERY sensible, I would have sided with him). In TDC, he doesn't disappoint : all of his lines made me grin, he’s just awesome, right from the moment he's introduced. Okay, I knew he’d be in there, so I recognized him instantly, and I'm not sure if we're supposed not to recognize him. There’s a clear disbelief on his part when he spots Thomas and you don’t need to see his face to get that ; despite the fact that he could have left it at that, he decides to save these old "friends" and confront them and I think that's what is key to me liking his character : he has changed, yet remains the same. Through it all, he reacts with far more composure, he's calmer and not as hot headed, yet he's still sarcastic and defiant. In TMR, he was protecting what took him so much energy to build, with fear and something akin to despair ; in TDC, it’s clear he’s lost what was his most treasured place, his security, and the year was probably horrible to him, but he also seem to have learnt a lot on himself and accepted that his place is not one of a leader and is content in that, in this hellish place. And I like that.

- I absolutely adore Janson as a bad guy, with his dangerous or fed-up smiles. I treasure all these moments when he’s clearly feeling murderous inside but is trying to control himself (omg, like the “What bus?” line XD). I think he has rough days XD and I love how he’s come to the point of hating Thomas, and that this hate is tangible XD At first viewing, though, I thought he was too reckless in his behaviour at first, given that up to this moment, he had been composed. Well, if he has caught the Flare (and given that he has access to the Serum, we don’t know when exactly he got infested, though I would suppose it’s very recent - see the Random Thoughts theory about that), it would make more sense that he takes bad, reckless decisions. Or maybe he’s just a not very subtle asshole.

- I like Jorge, but I wish they’d been more subtle with the treatment of his character. Him going berserk at being separated from Brenda? While I love the extremely strong father bond he has for her, it did seem…. OOC, for the guy who was so composed when we met him. Apart from this, he seemed more laid back, compared to the previous film, though still focused on protecting Brenda. I took it as a clue that…. now that he’s sided with the Right Arm, he feels like he’s done all he possibly could to ensure both of their safety and so he’s more relaxed and looking less like a calculating fox (…I liked him as a calculating fox, he wasso much cooler ç__ç).

- Vince was badass, and the greatest leader they could have picked. In the first two movies, the boys had doubts about Thomas’ crazy plans, but they still followed him after he proved he could get away using nothing but crazy schemes and chance ; there, we can see Vince is okay with risky plans, but he favours controlled risks and accepts some risks depending on the expected gains….. meaning that this time, Thomas doesn’t win when he suggests a wild rescue mission, because Vince is having none of that, putting more importance on the survival of the group, than on one individual. I also liked, very much, the relation he seemed to have formed with Thomas, looking like a surrogate father to him. He seems to care for the kid a lot, despite still, as a leader, not wanting to endanger the group, and seriously, I wanted more scenes between the two, with Vince trying to guide Thomas while still admiring his determination and boldness. Also, did I mention he was badass and not afraid of a challenge? (…….Now I want a viking UA with Vince as the viking chief and Thomas as his adopted son.)

- I’m still not sure about Ava, and how we’re supposed to read her character. Because for real, she’s still behaving pretty ruthlessly at the beginning. When she has this conversation with Janson about shooting a crowd of citizens, it sounded on first viewing like she was disapproving, but seriously, on second viewing, she’s not. She’s blaming him for not managing to kill Thomas and telling him to deal with that quickly. …….she only seems to buy herself a conscience when she realizes she has lost the fight, that they won’t find a cure in time, and that it was all in vain. I think her sudden evolution is more betraying that she’s afraid of possible consequences in an afterlife, and suddenly wanting to try to be… forgiven her trespasses somehow? (……..well, I still think you’re a bad woman, Ava. I don’t know about afterlife authorities, but I’m not sold T_T)

- I wish we’d seen Lawrence more, even though…. …..okay, I don’t like him as a character, but he was interesting. I loved his exchange with Thomas about what he could want. Thomas, who is focused on surviving, thinks Lawrence wants time, wants more days to live. Except this only highlights that Thomas is a very…. simple guy, very ‘pure’ kind of soul. He doesn’t spontaneously assume that Lawrence could want something else, could want revenge. I also love that they don’t make it clear right away, what he’s after, but make it cryptic “Is that what I need?” ……also, I hadn’t understood at first viewing that Lawrence was the reason why they took the serum vials with them, but it was, right? (I also wonder if he sees himself as a messiah like figure?)

- I know we haven’t seen her lots, but I love Harriet. She’s dangerous, yet her smile is beautiful and she seems so protective ç___ç  also, Aris seemed to have grown up sooo much ç___ç I liked hat Harriet didn’t take part to the rescue mission (protect your loved ones, girl, that’s the way to go, you’re the best ç___ç )

[writing-of-an-angel]

The Damned.

Summary: The Mark of Cain had been a burden since the day Dean had gotten it. when Y/N starts dreaming about the mark, she knows something is wrong, but what she doesn’t know is that she has to take the mark her self.

pairing(s): Dean x reader, future Crowley x reader, sam x reader (platonic)

warnings: angst, bad dreams, swearing, pain, a forced kiss, if there’s anything else please let me know!

word count: 2769

A/N: Well hey guys I've been very inactive the last few months which I do apologize for, but I hope this angst ridden mark of Cain Dean x reader makes up for it a bit!

Silence.

It was the only thing you could think about. It was the only thing you could hear.

“Dean? Sammy?” you called both their names repeatedly but there wasn’t any answer, just silence.

You walked up and down the halls but saw no sign of either of the boys.

Screaming.

It was the next thing you heard as you passed by the makeshift dungeon that was originally intended for Crowley. It was loud enough to be heard through the entire bunker.

Before you knew it you were in the room, but you weren't watching what was happening or who was screaming, you were sitting in a chair, chains around your body.

You were the one screaming.

---

“Y/N! Y/N wake up! Wake up!”

You shot up unsure of where you were and unsure of who was saying your name, but you looked over at who was on the other side of your bed, the person that was still holding your shoulders trying to wake you up

Dean.

“Dean? what happened? Where am I?”

“Relax sweetheart, you were having a bad dream, but you’re okay. You’re in the bunker and you’re safe, just take a breath.”

You looked frantically around trying to take in your surroundings, but next thing you knew Sam was slamming your door open and pointing his gun.

“What happened? Why was Y/N screaming?”

“We’re fine Sammy, Y/N just had a bad dream was all” Dean said looking at his younger brother.

“Don’t worry about me guys i’m fine, it’s just a dream i get every once and a while.”

You’d been getting this dream repeatedly for the last few months, ever since Dean had gotten The Mark of Cain, you had this constant fear. But there was also a constant feeling that wasn’t fear, but you didn’t know what it was. But little did you know that the feeling was something more than fear, it was the end.

---

You were sitting at breakfast watching Dean eat his waffles and Sammy eating his yogurt while you just picked at your food, not really hungry or interested in it.

Dean reached over and grabbed your hand rubbing circles on the back of it.

“Hey Sweetheart, don’t worry it was just a bad dream”

“I know” you gave him a little smile trying to give him some reassurance.

“So get this” Sammy started “I think there’s a case down in Oklahoma, couples have been going missing and there’s no evidence of kidnapping, or any other sort of foul play, but there is a symbol left behind that- oh my god…”

“What? What’s the symbol Sammy?” Dean asked him trying to glance at his laptop.

“The Mark of Cain”

Dean put down his fork pushing his plate away and standing up from the table. He started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, running his hands through his hair like he does when he’s stressed.

“So you’re saying this damn thing on my arm was found where couples have been taken?”

He looked down at the mark and your eyes followed his, where you noticed that it was glowing a sort of red-orange light.

“Pack your bags and meet me in the car in twenty, we’re going to Oklahoma”

---

You were sitting in the back of the old ‘67 Impala watching Dean’s jaw tighten and untighten, and his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel. He was blaming himself for the couples that had gone missing.

“Dean, this isn’t your fault, this is probably some demon or monster leaving that symbol behind to taunt or bait you.”

“Well it’s working”

The rest of the drive was silent, minus the radio and Dean’s heavy breathing.

When you pulled into the motel dean opened the car door and then proceeded to slam it shut behind him.

“Dean!”

You called out, but he just kept walking.

“Dean!”

You called out again. He turned around this time, just staring at you.

“Y/N, if it weren't for me or this damn thing on my arm, these couples probably wouldn't have gone missing, and this whole mess wouldn't be happening.”

“We’re going to figure this out Dean, I promise.”

“The case or the mark?

“Both.”

---

It was back.

This damn dream that continued to haunt you every time you close your eyes, but it was different this time.

You were still sitting in the Chair chained up, but before you had been alone, screaming.

Now when you looked up there were two figures in front of you; Sam and Dean.

Before you even had time to assess the situation you were screaming.

They were poking needles connected to syringes in your arm. They were injecting what looked like blood right into you, but why?

---

Waking up was different this time too, you Weren’t screaming.

You turned over in your shared bed and saw Dean, fast asleep. He looked so carefree when he was sleeping.

When Dean was asleep it didn’t look like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, or that he was trying to fight the mark, because you saw him losing the fight more and more every day.

Lost in thought you didn’t realize Dean had woken up.

“Good morning beautiful”

He smiled, one of those genuine smiles that you seldom saw anymore. But it faded as his gaze drifted from your face to his forearm.

“Dean, I promised you, we’re going to figure this out. Do I ever break my promises?”

“No, never.”

You kissed him, slowly, sweetly, but it was quick and over too soon.

You rolled over out of the uncomfortable motel bed and walked to the bathroom, you went in and shut the door behind you.

You stepped out of your clothes and turned on the water in the shower, it was unusual for a motel to have such hot water, but the water felt as though it could burn your skin.

“That’s weird” you said to yourself more than anyone else.

You stepped in, but the water wasn’t burning your skin, it felt refreshing.

You got out, skin red and renewed. Wrapping your hair in a towel you walked over to the mirror and started brushing your teeth.

You finished and swiped away the mist on the mirror, but when you looked in you didn’t see yourself.

More specifically you saw yourself, but with black eyes. You leaned into get a closer look, but your reflection’s hand flew out of the mirror and around your neck.

You tried to pull her hand away, but she was much stronger than you were.

“Oh poor, poor Y/N. Look at you you’re pathetic. But look at me because this is what you’re going to become. Something stronger, better.”

You were losing air but you managed to choke out

“Never”

She laughed, it was evil, devilish.

“Oh sweet girl, you can’t fight your destiny, no matter how hard you try.”

It was now that you noticed the mark on the arm you were being held with

The Mark of Cain.

Next thing you knew, the creature in the mirror was gone, and all that was left was you staring back at yourself, bruises forming around your neck.

You splashed water on your face and tried to calm yourself down. You covered as many of the bruises with makeup as you could, but you couldn’t get them all.

You got dressed deciding on jeans, a plain long sleeve and a jacket that covered a majority of your neck.

When you walked out of the bathroom Sam and Dean were up already dressed. Sam was sitting at the table doing some more research for the case and Dean was grabbing the keys to baby.

“Where are you going?”

Dean walked over to you placing a kiss on your lips and forehead.

“I’m just going to grab some breakfast for us, i’ll be back soon. We’ll head out to the crime scenes and talk to witnesses when i get back. I love you.”

“I love you too Dean.”

He walked out of the motel room and you heard the hum of the impala fade away. You took a seat next to Sam and looked at his computer seeing he had a page about the Mark of Cain up.

“Hey Sam, I was thinking about the mark and I came up with something I Think. What if there was a way to transfer the mark?”

He gave you a weird look, but he started typing on his keyboard

“Interesting idea, but to who? You and I both know Dean would never let anyone else take this burden. He thinks he’s the one who has to sacrifice himself for the good of the world, and that’s what he believes he’s doing.”

“I don’t know, I guess I didn’t think of who.”

But you had, you had been thinking about it ever since you woke up from the dream that morning.

You were going to take the burden, you had to.

---

After Dean had gotten back you all ate at the small table together, talking over the details of the case and what the plan was.

You all finished up rather quickly and piled into the car, the two boys in their FBI garbs and you in your civilian ones. The plan was that they would go to the police station and morgue, and you would hit the streets to see if anyone saw anything and who had seen the couples last.

You were walking down a back alley by a bar where the last couple taken had been seen, when you looked at the ground and saw it,

The Mark of Cain.

It was drawn in paint on the ground right beneath your feet, but it wasn’t the exact mark that was on Dean’s arm, there was a circle around it.

You kept walking over the mark, but something was wrong, you couldn’t get out of the circle, you were trapped.

“Well hey there, you look a bit.. Well trapped”

You turned around to see a man in a suit with perfectly combed hair staring back at you.

“Wow, how rude of me, i haven’t even introduced myself yet.” he started walking around the mark just outside of the circle.

“The name’s Jake, and I am the man, well not exactly man, that’s going to make sure everything goes according to plan.”

His eyes went from a baby blue to a dark black in a matter of seconds.

“Who are you? And why am i trapped in this circle?” you asked between clenched teeth.

“Oh darling, they were right, you really are clueless.”

“Who are you talking about”

He smirked and laughed “My boss, but you know him as The King of Hell, Crowley.”

You didn’t understand what Crowley had to do with any of this, or why you were in this circle. But you did know it had something to do with the mark. Everything lately that happened with you had to do with the mark.

“I don’t know what the hell Crowley thinks he can do to me, but i do know you’re going to get me out of this circle.”

He laughed again, it was the same type of devilish laugh the girl in the mirror had done earlier

“Am I?” he stepped into the circle with you, and you couldn’t do anything or go anywhere.

He grabbed your arm violently “Look at it Y/N, look at what you’re going to become.”

You were crying now trying to look away, but he grabbed your face forcing you to look at it,

The Mark of Cain.

“Sweet Y/N, this day has been planned since before you were born. You will take the mark, today.”

The demon went to go step out of the circle, but turned around and grabbed your face again.

“Crowley gets what he wants, he always does sweetheart. And right now he wants you. Of course that doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun with you first.” The demon pulled your face towards his, pressing his lips to your and shoving his tongue into your mouth.

“I’ll see you later Y/N.”

With that he was gone, and so was the circle on the ground. You looked at your arm and saw the mark wasn’t there anymore, but where it was there was a red-orange glow.

You didn’t really know what to do next, so you just kept talking to witnesses, trying to figure out what had happened to those people.

You learned that one of the friends of a woman who was taken saw a figure take the couple east on main street toward an empty warehouse.

You called Sam and Dean and told them to meet you there. You were waiting at the front for the boys when you heard screaming coming from inside. You ran in gun up, but you didn't’ see anyone. The only thing you saw were three empty chairs.

Before you knew what was happening a rag was put over your nose and mouth.

Then everything went black.

---

You woke up tied to one of the chairs you saw before. You looked over at the other two chairs and saw the Winchester brothers in the sam situation you were.

“Oh good, you’re awake!”

You looked up and saw the demon from earlier; Jake.

Sam and dean started stirring next to you trying to pull at the chain that was holding them to the chair.

“Oh come on guys, Don’t even try, the harder you pull at the chains, the tighter they become. So just relax, this is going to be fun!”

Jake walked over to you undoing your chains

“What are you doing?”

He smirked grabbing your hands

“I told you Y/N, there’s a plan for today, and you’re the biggest part of it. But in order for this plan to work, you have to do it willingly.”

“Do what?”

“Take the mark.”

Dean started pulling against his chains again “Y/N, no you can’t do this, it’s not your curse, it’s mine.”

Jake put his hand around Dean’s throat

“Oh Dean-o, this is not a curse. It’s a blessing, some even call it a gift. This is Y/N’s destiny, you were just the box it was delivered in.”

The demon grabbed your hands again, but threw you on  the floor right in front of Dean.

“So, Y/N, you have two choices. You can either take the mark willingly and save both Dean and Sam, or if you’re unwilling, i will force the mark on you but kill Dean and Sam. your choice, but you better choose quickly, otherwise i’ll choose for you, and you may not like what I choose.

“Y/N, please don’t do this”

Dean looked as though he was crying

“This is my burden, i’m the damned one here, I can’t let you become the monster i’m already becoming…”

Jake was growing impatient “Tick tock Y/N, tick tock.”

“I’ll do it, i’ll take the mark.”

You rose up from the ground where he had thrown you “I’ll do it, but you have to promise me they’ll be safe.”

He put his hand over his heart “Scouts honor”  

He laughed and grabbed you arm pulling it over to Dean’s. He wrapped your hand around the mark, and you could feel it, you could feel the power.

“I’m so sorry Dean, and i’m so sorry Sam. I couldn’t let you guys die. You guys will be fine, don’t worry about me.”

You leaned in and put your lips on Deans. Jake started chanting some latin ritual and you felt the energy go into your arm and your whole body, filling you.

Your arm started glowing, and you once again heard screaming. This time it was you and Dean screaming, the pain and the burden of it all was transferring from his body to yours.

When it was done you were sent back across the warehouse by some invisible force. You crashed into the wall and fell onto cardboard boxes.

You looked down at the pain on your arm and saw it glowing a dark, blood red.

The Mark of Cain.

When you looked over at the chairs you saw Dean’s head lulling on his chest and Sam screaming his name, But you didn’t care. You didn’t care about anything.

You got up and out of the boxes and walked towards Jake. He was smiling looking at the door.

“He’s here” he smiled not taking his eyes off the door.

“Who?” you asked, no emotion in your voice.

“Crowley.”

---

A/N: Part 2?

[buildarocketboys]

there’s no one in my coffin, there’s nothing in my grave

Soooooo after actually being proofread  by my lovely gf, here’s the jcs in the flesh au you’ve totally all been waiting for! :P Nah, but I hope y’all enjoy it, it’s 6000+ words, which is the most I’ve ever posted for jcs eeeek! But I really enjoyed writing it and there’s something for everyone because all the characters are in there!

Here on ao3

@judasisgayriot @superomnes @afaintcloudyhaze @belongtohufflepuff @littlerebellion @dont-call-me-algernon (if I’ve forgotten anyone I’m sorry, I forget who’s active and who isn’t lol) oh also @thealpacalypse you might be interested too?

On the third day, Jesus rose from the grave.

But he wasn't the only one.

Judas didn't know where he was, let alone who he was. He was barely cognisant of anything, except that he was hungry. Starving, in fact...

Some leftover memory from his life, or newly awakened instinct led him to the nearest inhabited place.

Afterwards, he would almost miss these moments without true consciousness or conscience. Almost.

If not for what happened next.

The girl, Judas would realise later, during a particularly intense flashback, was one who had come to many of their protests. She was friends with Peter. Another person he could no longer meet in the eye.

She also smelled delicious, and Judas was starving. It happened in a moment - he approached her, she sensed him, turned, screamed, before her screaming was cut off by the sound of crunching and ripping and tearing, blood pouring out of her head as Judas gouged his way to the delicious brain beneath her skull.

He tasted it, and it was manna from heaven for all of two seconds, and then something punctured his skin and he knew no more.

"Anyway, he's in here." These were the first words Judas heard as he slowly regained consciousness, in both senses of the word, accompanied by the creaking of a door opening. Someone tutted to the left of him. "That door needs oiling," said the voice.

"Get Jeremy to do it," said another, bored-sounding voice.

"I will, but I don't want people to hear that anything is going on down here. We're taking enough risks doing this as it is." And yes, Judas thought he recognised that voice, though who belonged to, he couldn't say...

"We're safe here, I'm sure of it," said the other, deeper voice, sounding ever so slightly less bored, and perhaps a touch of whatever passed for reassuring. "Now, stop fussing, Annas." If Judas had been able to, he would have gasped. Of course. Fucking Annas. He somehow had the bad luck not only not to be dead, but also to be in the presence of Annas and, presumably, Caiaphas. Or perhaps he was dead, and in hell, and they had followed him down to torment him further. After all, surely the Devil himself had enough to be getting on with, without having to torture Judas himself. Much better to leave it to the lackeys.

"Annas, darling...really?" said (presumably) Caiaphas. "Him? Is this some side of sentimentality coming out that I wasn't warned of previously to marrying you?"

Judas, eyes still closed, could nevertheless practically hear the glare Annas gave his husband. He almost snorted at the idea of Annas showing any kind of sentimentality, especially involving him.

"Hardly. He was just...convenient." Judas did snort then. "Oh good, you're awake," Annas said.

Judas forced his eyes open to slits, just so he could glare up at the man. "Unfortunately," he tried to spit, but it came out cracked and broken. "Where am I?" he asked hoarsely.

"Never mind that, at the moment," said Caiaphas, smoothly. "Just tell Annas...does this hurt?"

Caiaphas pulled a switch, and Judas yelled.  

Jesus left the treatment centre on a Sunday, 6 months to the day after he had risen again. Before he left, he examined himself in the mirror. He had contacts and cover up mousse to hide the worst of his rotting, dead self, but there was nothing he could do to cover up the scars on his back from the lashes, or those on his hands from the nails. Those were with him forever, the rest of eternity it seemed. Some messiah, he thought in disgust.

Mary was as lovely as ever, and pleased to see him, through the tears in her eyes. She hugged him immediately. Peter, who had come with her, stood awkwardly to the side, not meeting Jesus's eyes - Jesus supposed he still felt guilty about denying him. Well, there was no more need for that. They had all done things that they regretted, shouldn't have done, him as much as anyone else, since he had come back. He pushed down the wave of self-hatred that roiled up in him and hugged Peter, kissing him on each cheek.

"Peter, good to see you," he said, and meant it. Peter looked up, surprised. He looked tired, almost dead tired, deep black circles under his eyes. Jesus supposed the past few months must have taken their toll on all of them.

"Let's go home," he said, looking at both of them for agreement. Instead they avoided his gaze.

"There isn't really...home...anymore," said Mary, after a very pregnant pause.

"But the Twelve? Simon? Everyone? They're OK?"

Peter shook his head. "The camp...we were out in the open, mate. No real way to protect ourselves, and nobody would help us. It was carnage." He took a deep breath, and the haunted look in his eyes suddenly made a lot more sense. "We're what's left."

Mary had tears in her eyes. "We don't even know what happened to Simon. He went off one night, with Jess, to get supplies. We-we found Jess's body," she said, with a quick glance at Peter, who swallowed, "but we don't know what happened to Simon. We tried looking for him, we never found a body so we were holding out hope but...he never came back. He's gone."

Jesus was just trying to process this. "But...what have you been doing? Where have you been living?" Where are you taking me back to? He wanted to say, but he didn't want to sound ungrateful.

"Well," said Mary, attempting to smile. "Joseph survived, you'll be pleased to hear. He'd have come to collect you, but he's rather...involved in the resistance movement at the moment. We've had to build from the ground back up," she explained, "but we wanted you to have something to come back to."

They had reached the door to the outside world. Jesus nodded attempting a smile, before Peter pushed the door open and sunlight hit his eyes.

They wouldn't let Judas go at first. After all, he had nowhere to go back to, and Annas didn't trust him to keep up his neurotryptaline injections up on his own. He was probably right, Judas thought. But God, he would rather be dead than spend another day in this place. He supposed that was kind of the point.

Then, one day, somebody came for Judas.

"There's someone here for me?" Judas repeated in shock as Annas told him this.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" said Annas irritably. This living in close proximity hadn't improved their relationship in the slightest. "And you'd better come quickly, because he's making a racket, and I've already got a headache."

Annas waited impatiently while Judas put in his contacts, then dragged him out of the room before he could start applying his cover up mousse.

"Hey!" said Judas.

"Oh come on, he already knows what you are."

Judas just scowled at the floor.

They reached the foyer and Judas felt shock slam into him as he saw a familiar leather jacket, now even more weathered and beaten up, familiar anarchy symbols shaved into his hair..."Simon?" Judas said, astonished.

"If you don't take me to him right the fuck now, I'm gonna fucking blow this place to smithereens, and don't think I fucking can't," Simon was saying.

"Simon!" Judas exclaimed, and then swallowed. What if Simon wasn't even here for him? Or what if he had just come here to yell at him, or kick his head in? As Simon turned to the sound of his voice, Judas wished he could reach out and take the sound back, turn round and trudge back to his room, spend the rest of his days in that hospital bed, annoying Annas until the man finally snapped and killed him, or he finally found a way to end it himself.

Then he was assaulted with an armful of Simon, and he lost his train of thought.

"Judas!" Simon shouted, and damn, Judas had forgotten how enthusiastic he could be. He drew back to look at Judas properly. "You have no fucking idea how absolutely pissed off I am at you, but there'll be time for that later. You have to come with me."

"And who says that we'll let him leave with you?" came Caiaphas's voice from behind him and Judas closed his eyes and squeezed the tip of his nose, willing himself not to break something.

"You can't stop him leaving with me, you fucking fascist," said Simon, and Judas almost smiled for the first time in over a year.

"We can if we don't think you're prepared to take care of him," said Annas, and Judas could hear the double meaning.

"Sure I'm prepared to 'take care of him'," said Simon, making quotation marks in the air. "Neurotryptaline daily, right? Got it."

Judas heard Annas sigh heavily behind him, and actually laughed. "What," he said, turning to look at Annas out of the corner of his eye, "don't tell me you're actually going to miss me."

"Hardly, darling. Just the sunshine and light that you bring to my daily life."

Judas rolled his eyes. "Come on, Simon," he said quickly, before they could change their minds and stop him, or have Simon arrested or something, "let's get out of here."

Simon nodded and headed towards the door, kicking it open just for the hell of it. Judas could almost see Annas wince.

Joseph was as pleased to see him as he ever was, but he wore the same haunted look as Peter under his eyes. They stared at each other for nearly a full minute.

Then Joseph said, "Son," in a broken voice, and that was all it took for Jesus to fall into his arms, sobbing.

"Dad," he choked into Joseph's shoulder, because he may have had a heavenly fucking father, but Joseph had always been his dad. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for all this to happen. I didn't think this was how it would happen."

Joseph stroked his hair and hushed him. "Shh," he said soothingly, clumsy big fingers running through Jesus's hair, pulling a bit in the most comforting way. Joseph had always been the one he ran to when he needed comforting - his mother he went to for advice, but when all he could do was sob, it was Joseph's shirt that got soaked. "It's not your fault. How could you have known?"

"I should have listened to Judas," Jesus said. "He was right. I've just led us all to misery." He paused, feeling the room still. "Where is he?"

The silence remained.

"Where is he?!" Jesus shouted.

"He killed himself," said Joseph heavily. "Just before you died, son."

Jesus felt the bottom drop out of his world. This was all his fault. "And mother?" he asked hoarsely. Joseph just shook his head, dropping heavily down onto the sofa and burying his face in his hands. Jesus turned in horror to Mary and Peter for confirmation.

"Like we said," said Mary softly, looking desperately sorry, "we're the only ones left."

Jesus stumbled blindly towards the door and pushed it open, half-falling up the stairs and pushing his way into his childhood bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind him. He threw himself onto his bed, sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe.

Sometimes, when you'd lost everything, it was all you could do.

Back with Simon, Judas was learning much the same thing, although he found he could hardly bring himself to care. He was too busy feeling sorry for himself, for still being alive. His body couldn't have done the decent thing and just died, could it?

"I knew you were around," said Simon. "I saw you kill Jess." The words shook Judas out of his reverie.

The flashback hit then, a painful one, and he buried his face in his hands, trying to hide from the memory burned so clearly into his eyelids. When he surfaced, he found Simon's hand on his arm, face close to his, looking worried. Judas shook him off angrily. "Flashback," said Judas, dismissively. "God, Simon, I'm so sorry. I-I can't make any excuses for it. Sure, I was a zombie, but- you know as well as anyone how vindictive and vicious I could be, even when I was alive."

"Yeah, but you had your reasons. Not that I'm not still fucking angry at you for betraying all of us. But you weren't in your right mind."

Judas let out a harsh bark of laughter. "What, when I killed Jess, or when I killed Jesus?" After all, the acts were equal in his mind.

"Both," said Simon simply. "Seriously, man, you've had a shitty fucking life, it's no wonder you're not exactly the most mentally healthy of people."

Judas snorted, pressing his fingers to his forehead, trying to massage the stress headache that was coming on all too quickly.

"But you're my friend," said Simon, "and I'm pretty fucking low on them at the moment, what with zombies having killed most of them."

"I'm sorry, Simon," Judas said, genuinely.

"I'm pretty sure Peter and Mary are alive, though," Simon went on obliviously. "Which is why I'm planning on finding them."

Judas heaved a sigh. Ever the optimist. "What makes you so sure? Simon, I hate to be the one to say it, but they're probably dead."

"Maybe," said Simon. "But I was out on a supply run with Jess when the rising happened, and someone took you down, but then there were a bunch of others surrounding me, and I had to run for it, and when the air had cleared and I went back, the camp had been cleared. They went somewhere else, I'm sure of it."

"Even if that's true, we have no idea where they are, Simon. How are we ever going to find them?"

Simon grinned and pulled a printed sheet of paper from his pocket; Judas got the feeling he had been waiting the whole conversation to pull it out. Judas could make out the words" "RESISTANCE", "FIGHT" and "RIGHTS" on it at a glance. It did look promising, although surely any remaining members of the Twelve wouldn't be the only revolutionary movement in this brave new world.

He pointed this out to Simon, who said, "Ah, but nobody else would be using my special blend of chemicals to print it - look, smell it." Simon shoved the leaflet in his face and Judas breathed in the slightly acrid smell. "Not only did I make damn good leaflets - this one's good but it's not a patch on my ROME LIES one, I gotta say, no offence to Peter - but I made sure you could always use them as a weapon - just light them up and they'll explode!"

"Fucking hell Simon, and how many of those were around camp all the time? Getting crushed on the floor? Blowing around? In a space where there was usually a campfire? Anyone could have got hurt! Did anyone else even know about this?"

"Only Peter," said Simon, "and stop complaining."

"I'm not complaining," grumbled Judas. "I'm being the sensible one."

"Complaining," said Simon, sticking his tongue out at Judas. "Anyway, you haven't even asked if I know where to find this resistance."

Judas rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll bite. Where do we find this resistance?"

Simon tapped his nose. "Follow me, pal."

They let Jesus sleep it off, knowing there was nothing they could do to make it better, making sure he was comfortable with enough blankets.

In the morning, Joseph knocked tentatively on his door and entered when Jesus muttered a drowsy-sounding "Come in."

"Oh, dad," he said, tearing up as soon as he saw Joseph.

"Son," said Joseph in a choked voice, immediately coming to sit next to his son on the bed. Jesus rested his head on Joseph's shoulder.

"I am so, so sorry about mother," he said, rubbing his face comfortingly against Joseph's shoulder. "So sorry." He struggled to look up at Joseph and saw his tears reflected back at him in Joseph's own eyes.

"Me too, son," said Joseph. "But it's not your fault. And small blessing, but, she died near the start of the Rising, so she didn't have to witness too much of the horror."

Jesus nodded. Joseph had always been a stable, steady presence in his life, but to lose Jesus and then Mary within a matter of days? Weeks? Must surely have knocked him for six. He said as much to Joseph.

"Aye, son, but," he shrugged. "What can you do? Carry on, that's all."

Jesus nodded. "And look how much you've done," he said, proudly. "Mary said you were pretty much heading the resistance movement.”

"She may be giving me a little too much credit," said Joseph, with a smile. "But I try my best. Why should the government and authorities use the Rising as a reason to further oppress and divide us? Pitting living people against the Risen to achieve their own ends?" Joseph gave a little self-deprecating shake of his head at the unusually long speech. "It's not right."

"Right on, dad," said Jesus, in awe.

They were silent for a few minutes. Then Joseph tentatively patted Jesus on the back and said, "I'm sorry about Judas, son."

Jesus remained silent. He wasn't ready to talk about Judas and he wasn't sure he ever would be. He had so many feelings surrounding him that he felt unable to express, even more so now he was dead and gone, and he didn't think anyone else really understood the magnitude of them. He knew Joseph had some idea though, perhaps more than anyone else. He nodded. "Thanks," he managed.

Joseph nodded, understanding. "Anytime, son. Anyway, I've got to go and get some things done, you can come with me if you like?"

"No thanks, dad," said Jesus, feeling tired at the mere thought.

"No worries. If you need anything, Peter or Mary will be downstairs."

Jesus nodded, attempting a smile, and started to lie down again.

Being alive and the son of God and fated to sacrifice himself for mankind had always been a heavy burden. But being alive again, like this? That burden seemed even heavier, somehow. He would sleep a little while.

It took two days to get from the squat Simon had brought him to after leaving the treatment centre to the supposed headquarters of the resistance.

On the first night, when they had bedded down, Judas opened his rucksack properly for the first time since leaving.

In the front pocket was a box filled with several blister packs of tablets, accompanied by a note, in Annas's writing.

"Hey kid,

Had Kristof knock up some antidepressants so they would work on someone of your physiology, as is now. Yes, he's also a chemist in addition to his many other skills and occupations, aren't we just the luckiest to have him? Anyway, don't want you dying out there, if only because you're pretty much my/our greatest achievement, and stopping you from topping yourself seems like a step in the right direction. So take them please, as instructed.

Gods, I feel like a dad sneaking sweets into his kid's lunchbox. Remind me never to get attached to a subject again.

Our number is in your phone, so don't hesitate to call if/when you run out. Now I feel even more like a dad.

Fuck off and try not to break the law, Judas"

Judas snorted when he read it and showed it to Simon. They both had a good laugh at the note.

"Not gonna lie, I'd kind of love to meet this Kristof guy. I feel like we'd have a lot to talk about," Simon said. Judas snorted again. "Are you gonna take them?" Simon asked, referring to the antidepressants.

"Are you kidding me? They've probably got tracking devices in. Or they'll kill me on the spot."

Simon laughed in agreement. "Still, maybe it could be a good idea to...try something..."

Judas rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Simon, I'm not gonna top myself again."

Simon looked at him dubiously, but then shrugged. "Your life, man," he said, and their day continued.

True to his word, Judas didn't take any of the pills. However, he did slip the packet, along with the carefully folded note, into his backpack along with the rest of his belongings, when they left their camp the next morning.

They reached the house where the Resistance was supposedly housed the following morning. Simon strode to the front door, confident of his reception (despite Judas's warnings, mostly unheeded, that as the alleged headquarters of the Resistance they would surely have some kind of password or security, rather than just opening the door to anyone), but Judas hung back, worried that he would not be received well by his former friends, even once they were aware of his identity. He had betrayed Jesus and caused his death, he had literally killed Peter's best friend...surely they would kick him out and tell him they never wanted to see him again?

There was the sound of footsteps walking to the front door, then silence as someone presumably looked through a peephole...then the fumbling of locks and bolts, and then Peter had launched himself into Simon's arms and they were hugging joyfully. Judas turned to go, but at that moment Simon apparently decided to look over his shoulder and call his name.

Judas winced and turned back, to find Peter staring at him in disbelief.

"Hi," he said lamely.

"You're alive," said Peter.

"Yep," said Judas, did jazz hands as a kind of 'ta-dah' gesture, then wondered what the fuck he was doing.

"You killed Jess," he said, his face contorting in anger and confusion - probably at what the fuck Judas was even doing back here.

"Yes," said Judas, because he couldn't deny it. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? You're sorry? Is that all you can say?" It was lucky that Simon chose that moment to tighten his grip on Peter, who struggled to get free and get his hands in Judas. "Let me go, Si!" Peter yelled.

Simon just held on until Peter went limp in his arms, stroking his hair and whispering in his ear. Judas felt oddly lonely looking at them - that closeness, that intimacy, was something he had never had. Eventually he caught Simon's words. "Let's save that for later, hmm?" and Peter nodded in response and started to lead Simon inside.

"I'll just go, shall I?" asked Judas.

Both Peter and Simon turned. "No, what the fuck?" said Simon. Even Peter looked confused. "Come in and we'll figure this out."

"I don't want to be where I'm not wanted," muttered Judas, although he found himself wavering.

His resolve disappeared completely when Peter said, "oh just come inside, Judas." Judas jogged to catch up with them and stepped inside the house. "And close the door behind you," Peter added. He turned back to lock it all up again once Judas had pulled it shut. "You can't leave before you've seen...well...never mind. But you'll see." Peter very nearly grinned.

"What?" asked both Simon and Judas in unison.

"Never you mind," said Peter, cheekily. "Mary, Joseph, we've got visitors!" he called through the house.

Mary was the first out into the hallway to greet them. She screamed when she saw Simon and immediately engulfed him in a hug, drawing back to kiss both his cheeks. Judas tried to hang back again, awkward, so it came as a surprise when Mary, having finished with Simon, launched herself onto Judas to hug him as well.

"You're both alive!" she exclaimed. "I can't believe it!"

"Well, half alive in my case," said Judas. Mary grinned at him.

"Well, I know somebody else who's half-alive who'll be extremely pleased to see you," she said, turning to Joseph, who was just coming up the hallway behind her, shaking Simon's hand delightedly. She raised her eyebrow at him pointedly.

Joseph glanced at Judas. "Oh, yes, uh, he's just upstairs, he didn't fancy coming out to meet any visitors, but, uh...he'll probably want to see you two," he said, winking at Judas.

A smile of dawning realisation was slowly spreading on Simon's face, but Judas was at a loss. Who could be-? Then it hit him. But no, surely not. He wouldn't believe it. He couldn't. Not until he was presented with the evidence of his own eyes.

Joseph had gone to get him, and despite himself, Judas's heart was racing. It couldn't be him, could it? Surely Jesus wouldn't have risen a monster like him. The only other option would be for him to truly have risen, the Messiah and the Son of God bullshit proven, and even after the Rising that was still so unlikely that Judas dismissed it out of hand.

Judas glanced around at all of them, eyes flicking from Mary to Peter to Simon to Joseph’s retreating back. “Is he-?” he started to say, but bit off the question at its root, angry and embarrassed at himself for even hoping.

Jesus closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep when he heard Joseph’s footsteps outside his door, and buried his face in his pillow when Joseph entered his room all the same.

“Jesus,” said his dad gently, putting a hand on his shoulder, and Jesus couldn’t bear such tenderness, not when he was still grieving, hurting, not when Joseph was so clearly still grieving himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Joseph poke his tongue out the side of his mouth and lick his lips, the way he did when he was trying to figure out how to word something. “You need to come,” he said eventually.

Jesus nearly burrowed into the bedclothes further, nearly let out a petulant ‘why?’ or worse, screamed at his dad just to go away and leave him alone, all of them just leave him alone. But there was a firmness in Joseph’s voice, one that Jesus had rarely heard but that demanded he follow. And why not? He had had enough of leading, of being the one to command. Why not be the follower for once?

These were his thoughts, as he heaved himself out of bed, lurched down the corridor after Joseph, still unused to the way his body worked now. Joseph kept glancing at him, and Jesus wanted to ask what it was, what Joseph was leading him to, why it was so important. He even met Joseph’s gaze and held it, silently asking the obvious. Joseph held the eye contact for only a moment, before shaking his head and continuing on. “You’ll see,” he said.

When he saw Judas, every other thought was knocked out of his head. His eyes locked on Judas, and he could see nothing else, not the hallway or the front door or his friends gathered around them.

They stumbled towards each other, almost running in their haste.

Then Judas was there in front of him, looking at him like he couldn't believe it, like he really was the Messiah, and Jesus couldn't bear it, not that, not now; he took in his waxy skin and the scars around his neck and the way he was looking at him and Jesus couldn't stand Judas looking at him like that for one moment longer.

So he slapped him in the face.

Judas looked at him open-mouthed for a second, then bowed his head. “I suppose I deserved that.”

Jesus resisted the urge to slap him again. “Fuck you,” he spat instead, and he could feel the others’s eyes on him, feel them staring, and he felt itchy with it. He couldn’t do this here, now, with everyone watching and listening and hearing.

Judas nodded and looked at him wide-eyed. Then something in him seemed to break and he wilted. “Fuck, I- we can’t do this here. Look, maybe it’s best if I just go, Jesus.”

Whatever his feelings towards Judas were at this moment, the last thing Jesus wanted Judas to do was leave. “No- don’t-” he said, reaching a hand out to Judas, who flinched at the contact. Jesus closed his eyes, took deep breaths, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. “Please,” he said, looking imploringly at Judas, and Judas stared at him a moment, confusion in his expression, before nodding.

It was only then he noticed that Judas was shaking. He glanced around at the others, not meeting anyone’s gaze. Simon was there, he noticed, alive, but he could hardly bring himself to care about him in this moment. He could only care about Judas. It had always been Judas he cared about the most, if he was truly honest with himself. Whether it was burning anger or joy, lighter than air, he had always felt the most when Judas was around. He had always been more human when Judas was around. “Will you let us have the lounge, please?” he said to the others.

They all nodded or murmured their agreement, and went in various directions to give them their privacy, as Jesus led Judas to the main living room. Once there, Judas slumped down on the sofa, exhausted, while Jesus paced the room, suddenly so full of energy he was fit to burst. He had so many questions he didn’t know where to start, so much to say and so much he wanted, needed to hear from Judas as well.

“What the hell happened?” he asked, thinking it was as good a place as any to start. He kicked the side of the sofa  at the other end of the room in frustration. Then he noticed Judas hadn’t answered him. He turned to see Judas curled into himself on the sofa, sobbing into his hands. He probably hadn’t even heard what Jesus had said.

Jesus crumpled, and sank down onto the sofa next to Judas, his best and oldest friend, his betrayer, the man he loved. He rested his head on this same man’s shoulder, cautiously.

“I love you,” Judas blurted out suddenly. It wasn’t the right moment, probably, but when had it ever been, for them? “I’m sorry, I know you have a lot of shouting to do at me, and God knows, I’m still fucking angry about it all as well, but I never actually fucking told you when were both alive- well,” he said, face curving into a bitter smile, “more alive. Properly alive. Not like this.”

Jesus matched Judas’s bitter grin with one of his own. Then he sighed. “I love you too. Fuck, Judas, I love you so fucking much, and I never even told you. I thought it was obvious but,” he let out a little snort of laughter, “obviously not.”

Judas turned to look at him in shock. “Really?” And how could he not have known? But then, Jesus thought, of course he hadn’t known. This man, who had always seen himself as so small, so inconsequential, so unimportant...how could he ever have realised how big he was to Jesus, how important, how vital?

“I never told you. I should have told you. I-I’m sorry,” he said, and Judas’s arm went cautiously around his shoulders, the first physical contact Judas had initiated.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” said Judas, stroking his back soothingly, and Jesus could feel himself calming down, letting go just slightly - yes, tears were still falling from his eyes, but they went unheeded now, and they were comforting, healing, rather than painful.

“Something else always got in the way. Something else always seemed more important.” Judas started to speak, but Jesus held a finger up, pleading with Judas to let him finish. “And it was important,” he said. “But nothing is more important to me than you, understand, Judas? Nothing.”

Judas hugged him properly then, although perhaps it would have been more accurate to say he fell on him, weeping, and Jesus held him tightly.

“I loved you for so long,” murmured Judas into his shoulder. “I never thought I had a hope of you ever feeling the same way back.”

Jesus just held on tighter, trying to find the will to speak through the lump in his throat. “Well, have hope,” he said, and it came out just a little teasing, and Judas laughed. And Jesus laughed too, but then he remembered that Judas had killed himself, killed himself because he couldn’t bear to live with what he had done to Jesus, and he was overwhelmed with sobs again.

They clung to each other a while, before Judas drew back and said seriously, “I’m sorry. For everything.”

“For betraying me?” Judas nodded. “For killing yourself?” Another nod. “I’m so angry about that,” said Jesus. “More than the betrayal, which was supposed to happen anyway. It just- if it hadn’t been for whatever twist of fate brought us both back, I’d have lost you forever.” He tilted Judas’s chin up to look at him. “I thought I had. And I’ve not been able to bear it, the past few days. I’ve barely left that room, barely left my bed, barely stopped crying. And I know it’s not fair for me to blame you, for doing that to yourself,” he said, eyeing the rope scars around Judas’s neck but not quite daring to touch them, make them real, “because I know you were depressed, are depressed, have been for as long as I’ve known you, and I know I didn’t exactly help,” he silenced Judas again as he made to interrupt Jesus, “but I can’t help being angry at you for that, a bit.”

Judas nodded. “That’s fair. Although for the record, I’m still fucking mad as hell that you somehow felt like you had to go off on one and get yourself killed, just so you could what? Prove a point? Come back from the dead, prove yourself the Messiah, the son of God? Well, one out of three I guess, you’re back from the dead, but so am I and so is every other inhuman brain-eating monster that rose that bloody night.” The venom in his voice was more than Judas had intended, but Jesus had started it, and damn, he was really feeling it now. He loved this man with every scrap of his wasted soul (if he even had a soul, if he even believed in such thing as souls), but he had been so bloody wrong, in every single way, and they had both sacrificed so much for it.

Jesus sighed. “You’re not a monster, Judas,” he said, tiredly. He could barely find the strength to counter Judas’s other points, but arguing with him came so naturally that he couldn’t stop himself contradicting him on that one point, at least.

“No, I am, I am,” said Judas, bitterly. “You might not be, you might still be a bloody saint even underneath those contacts and all that cover up mousse, but I fucking killed people, Jesus. I killed people even before I became this, I killed you through my own hubris and anger and fear and fucking jealousy, and I came back and you know what the first thing I did was? Kill someone else. You might not be a monster, but I sure as hell am.”

Jesus snorted. “You think you’re special? You think I’m some kind of saint, when I rose from the dead exactly like you did, hurt and killed people exactly like you did, exactly like a thousand other Risen did that night and for countless nights after? If you’re a monster, Judas, then so am I.”

Judas looked up at him calculatingly for a second, then just let out a huff. Jesus sagged in relief.

There came a knock at the door. Both of them jumped, before Joseph’s head peered its way round the doorframe. “I’m sorry to bother you kids, but you’ve been in here quite a while. You want some food? I’m making burgers!”

Judas let out a strangled sound that Jesus was sure was almost a laugh.

“No,” he said, while Judas sniggered beside him. “No thanks, dad, we don’t eat, remember?”

“Oh,” said Joseph, looking put out for a second. “Oh yeah. Sorry, son. You carry on.” He exited, and Jesus grinned at Judas’s sniggers, which were now turning into full-on chokes and pants of laughter.

“You’re like me,” said Jesus softly, after the laughter had faded. “I’m like you. Don’t you see?”

Judas looked at him softly, and nodded. Then, as if only just remembering, he exclaimed, “Simon! Simon’s back, and alive! You haven’t seen Simon yet! I’ve been monopolising your time, and-”

Jesus stopped him with a finger on Judas’s lips, and Judas went cross-eyed to stare at it, then to flick his eyes back to Jesus’s, intensely vulnerable. Jesus felt the rough, chapped skin of Judas’s lips against his finger, and smiled, calm as only a man who knew exactly what he needed to do next could be.

“I’ll go and see Simon,” Jesus said, smiling, lighter than he’d felt in...perhaps all his life. “To be honest, I’m sure he appreciated the time to catch up with Peter and Mary. But there’s one thing I have to do first.”

“What’s that?” asked Judas, voice barely above a whisper.

Jesus kissed him.

[sweatpantshedonist]

This is a bunch of fake band names that read as a poem

Khaki pain Undome Smile Flooring Perse Brick Voyeur Sleeping bag Beautiful sunset Morning poem Hush poet Danky Cummy Tried Floppy dick 1992 Toyota Camry Beavis and butthead and loneliness Bb lonely Work is ass Work is fuck Fuck work Worky life Wage God Salary Weak Dick Boshtwish Morose bone Stupid powder All My Friends 3D Origami Time is a vapecloud Heinous925 xGodx Famous Life Life Work The Real You Fool Steve he's dumb Steve's Bong Charlie's Throne Nicole's Kid, man Jobby Perse Dumb shit Zoo porn Good soap Idiot hotdog Spicy mustard Coconut water is a healthy alternative to soda Supportive footwear Leather bag Correct postage Unwanted email Return policy Catalog Skinny fit Make-up Brand name goods Low interest loan A fucking mortgage Organic dog food Reusable bag Vinyl acoustics Pitchfork recommendation Athletic attire "Irony" "Sarcasm" Symbolic tattoo for 300 dollars designed by someone else I don't get it I'm agreeing with you Longwinded poetry Self awareness is annoying Dog shit in a plastic bag in your hand Used toilet paper in a plastic tote under my bed Goofing around Water games Pee foot Smelly sexual organ Loud financially successful drunk person Motivated individual For real tho Loss of culture Complete and utter asshole Bad sense of humor Bad close mindedness Tiny penis Tiny nut sac and balls too Favorable review Internet comments with likes Serious news article link Political anger Old people shit being put into my mouth Typing with an outraged look on your face Opinions Strong opinions Drunk opinions Fully informed opinions from someone you don't know said completely out of context Talking for more than 2 minutes about fashion Talking shop all night long yes Bad breath is such a turn off Mean people are so mean It is what it is I don't have the capacity to articulate thoughts/ I don't want to talk to you in depth because you're not my kinda guy Affordable brunch The most amazing tacos Superfood McDonald's is gross Omg I ate McDonald's last night Morning regret Mourning time McDonald's for breakfast Sit down job Performance boost Noticeable improvement Secret fetish My thoughts Taboo Free flowing ideas Projected earnings Family expectations Getting older in the face Fear of death Killing in the name of my coworker Ramon I'm an American badass Working on 2 hours of sleep is harder Trying to concentrate among excessive noise Crazy view from high atop a natural formation Extreme sport enthusiast from Southern California Leisure Free time Tomorrow is my day off Today is my Friday Words said too often Trivial observation The same same same same same Time is cyclical and I'm losing my shit Movie time HBO original series Season finale Series finale Did you see the last episode? Don't spoil it for me Making fun of stuff is good for you Status Post Tagged in whatever You can see my nuts in these pants Saggy beanie Cute flats from Macy's Leggings are v practical Futuristic designer looks Standing outside a store while the wife shops Inconsiderate volume Cute person Cutty spot Look my way Ya yer foine Ok I changed my mind What size is your head? Negi ass Big dog head Taper my jeans How much for this umbrella? Camouflage blender Scrape my face across your serrated toenails Good look Hot looks for fall Really big deal Money hole plz deposit worth Skater/tagger/hotgirlmagnet Your dog has humanlike balls Bitchy side-eye Judging ppl is wrong Why can't u just be happy? Fucking smile jeez Have a good one An autographed photo of Jerry Seinfeld Saggy jeans Tousled hair mist Stand up straight Complain aloud We went to school together Do I know u? Hey is that Jason? Damn I haven't seen u in hella days, homie Stab myself in the shin during someone's shitty performance piece Jam session Music jack off Masturbating my guitar neck I know all the scales I play in a band I do something with my life Punk reunion Reliving the glory days 47 denim jackets in one room You should have been here 4 years ago What era do you think defines your fashion? Really really genuinely cute lesbian I want you Misguided idea Jump shoes Vapid Bohemian hat Wealthy person who tips poorly Condoms suck bro White woman from stable family whose primary interest is trap music I own property in Manhattan Honking at a line of 30 cars All of my current friends in New York are white I don't have any black friends Going for a run in Times Square Shapeless couple in head to toe work out gear (feat. hopelessness) Me (feat. Weak chin and narrow shoulders) No fee apartment Life time gym membership Alan is more upset Carbon monoxide sleepover Bad breakup Hurtful text message Troubling thoughts about suicide and drugs Gun shots in the distance Ruptured dream Nostalgia and cyclical thoughts Nymphomaniac for pain Pain injection feels good Your mom is the butt of all my jokes Fast forward me Costume for penis Parasitic person Clingy butt Sofa Eater My Strange Addiction Balloon Porn Squirting frequently contains urine Urea Urethra Urshit Carbon Soft Gland Hardwood Ruffly Counting Solution Calving Solution Gem Builder Papes Analtussin Phoney Laying down Sustained 7 Icecream salad I only wear boots Child's hat I'm a size small She can't walk in heels Gift card Forced interaction Conversation about tinder during tinder date How much should we tip? Candle Do you watch Game of Thrones? That's life Gun violence advocate Little wife ass bitch Cum repository Soulless vessel of rage God damnit Son of a bitch Get upstairs Jonathan Don't make me Pay for me Cum hose dork Laughable life Deluded self Diluted mind (cuz weed) Dissolves inwarder Pun Malapropism Body Sleep Vapid pleasure Lonely Lobe