#i tried to approach this from an analytical perspective

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’ve just re-listened to Mark Watson’s episode of the Comedian’s Comedian podcast. I know I made a bunch of posts about this when I first heard it last summer, but I’ve been reminded again of just how very, very good an episode it is. For the whole 80 minutes, there’s no part where it feels to me like it drags. Everything he says sounds like an interesting insight into comedy generally or into Mark Watson specifically, it just goes from one good bit to another. Mark Watson always comes across well on podcasts, because he’s very intelligent and thoughtful and introspective as well as analytical about everything around him, and when you put him with Stuart Goldsmith’s excellent interviewing skills and informed perspective, you get a very good podcast episode. It was released in May 2015, and was recorded in front of a live audience at the Machynlleth Comedy Festival, I think, so that would have been the end of April.

If I copied every part of it that I thought was worth repeating, I’d pretty much transcribe the whole thing. But here’s one thing in particular that stood out to me as giving a good explanation of why Mark Watson’s comedy style endears him to an audience so well:

“I think I engender a certain goodwill, or at least sympathy, in an audience. Because I think people can see that, even before I started talking about specific aspects of my vulnerability on stage, I think people have always been able to see that I’m… There are some comedians that make it look very easy; I’ve always been a comedian that consciously makes it look quite hard. I’m always very open with the crowd about how I feel things are going. So in a sense, I kind of, I do remove some of the obstacles between the comedian and the crowd by being, you know, open about it. But I’m always basically saying, ‘Look, most of you think you can’t do this. I also sort of think I can’t, but I am doing it, so we’ve basically got to crack on with this.’ That is the persona that I put in front of the audience, and that is genuinely how I feel, as well.”

And here’s an exchange that I transcribed last time I wrote about this episode, but I’m putting it in this post too because I think it’s a really good discussion about this transitional time in comedy history (comedy history in the 00s has become, for reasons that I can explain no more clearly than just by writing the words “Chocolate Milk Gang”, the period of comedy history that I’m especially interested in knowing everything about):

Stuart Goldsmith: Do you feel that you were part of a vanguard, almost, of people who were changing comedy from…

Mark Watson: I’ve got a badge, yeah.

Stuart Goldsmith: [laughs] But do you see what I mean? I feel that you really popularized the kind of reportage, story, finding funny things in a thing that happened… basically what I’m saying is I see a lot of older comics bitching on Facebook, or I used to, in the last five years…

Mark Watson: Yes I thought that’s what you meant. So do I.

Stuart Goldsmith: Bitching on Facebook about the fact that apparently you don’t need to do jokes anymore. You just need to talk about a thing you did.

Mark Watson: I think the time that… I came through in the period that the newcomers were me, Rhod, Manford, Russell Howard, and it definitely was about that time that people started saying, “Oh, you don’t need jokes anymore.” So I think I sort of accidentally was part of that sort of – I mean, no one ever consciously tried to create a movement of jokes not being valid anymore. It’s just, for me obviously it was the only way I could approach it. Actually Manford is a slightly different case, but people like me and Russell were just… I don’t think that I was actually part of that, though, I’d say it was already happening. Because there was a bunch of comedians like Dara, Chris Addison, who came along maybe five years before me, when I first went to Edinburgh and was watching stand-up, and thinking, “Right, this is how you do stand-up,” those people were already doing that. So I’d say the swing towards anecdotal comedy happened in sort of the late ‘90s, and I as a punter was influenced by it, so I reckon I’m sort of second-generation, not vanguard. I reckon I’m sort of, um, standing on the shoulders of… sorry, I briefly thought of standing on the shoulders of Dara, that would be wonderful.

Stuart Goldsmith: You’d feel so powerful if you were on his shoulders. He’s such a mighty…

Mark Watson: Yeah, I just wish one time I could get on Dara. But, uh, yeah…

Stuart Goldsmith: And do you ever recognize, I suppose this is the same question maybe in a different way, is do you ever…

Mark Watson: A great big beast of a man… sorry, carry on.

Stuart Goldsmith: Do you ever recognize any of your style in people that came after you? Do you think there were elements of things that you did that were influential?

Mark Watson: Well, not I don’t think that I’ve been sort of enough of a figure to influence anyone really, because I think… I would say that… because basically, Kitson’s career runs, not quite parallel to mine, he was around three or four years before me, but Daniel Kitson is the kind of defining person doing that sort of stuff in my – not quite my generation, but it’s the same crop of comedians. So if I see people now doing the sort of stuff I do, like deconstructing the joke, deconstructing the business of comedy – not in a Stewart Lee way, but the sort of stuff that I do is… I suppose what I’m saying is, no, I don’t think I’ve influenced anyone. Because if you were going to be influenced by me, you might as well just be influenced by Kitson. I think you can only really regard someone as being influential over the next generation of comics if they are one of a crop of people that are the sort of leaders in that field, and that’s never really been me.

It's a bit different in music. With bands, there are definitely, like, B-league bands who have influenced… the Super Furry Animals, for example, one of the greatest bands, certainly of the 90s, maybe ever, they have influenced an enormous amount of bands around today, but they were never as famous as, say, Oasis. But it’s a bit different with comedy, because with music, there is a kind of infinite scope for variety, so the Super Furry Animals were doing something no one was every doing. So without being enormously famous, they managed to influence dozens of bands now. I’ve never been able to do anything that other people weren’t doing. So if you were influenced by me, you’re only saying you were influenced by a school of like 12 or 15 comedians. One of the blights of my career is that I’ve never succeeded in doing something sufficiently different from everyone else, that anyone would look at me and think, ‘I want to be like him.’ And I do have a sort of objective measure of this, because of my best friends, Cory, ran the Chortle Student Awards for years, and when entering it, people had to say who their influences were. So I would obviously look at the forms. And I would come up about one out of every a thousand, it was virtually all Kitson and Stewart Lee. And that’s because they are the kind of Platonic ideals of comedians. Being influenced by me would be like a supermarket wanting to be like Asda. You know, Asda’s not unsuccessful, but no aspiring tycoon thinks, ‘I’d love to be Asda.’

First of all, after listening to that, I’d like to confirm that the thing Mark Watson said about how his insecurities tend to generate sympathy and goodwill from an audience – that definitely works on me. So listening to this makes me very much want to give him a hug and say, “Mark, it’s okay. I know it’s sad that we can’t all be Daniel Kitson. Unfortunately only one person gets to be Daniel Kitson, and he’s not even enjoying it. Yes, I also sometimes listen to Daniel Kitson talk and wonder what the point is of me or any other person besides him ever using the English language, but we can’t live our lives that way. And, you know, we all have different strengths. I’ve never seen Daniel Kitson write a novel, or do a comedy show for 24 straight hours, or turn a hat into a machine via the powers of Wikipedia editing.”

But aside from that, there is some solid self-deprecation in that quote. Many comedians do self-deprecation, few do it as well as Mark Watson. Next to Mark Watson, most self-deprecating comedians sound like a teenage fiction writer who heard their protagonist is supposed to be flawed so they make them prone to clumsiness or something, while being perfect in all the ways that matter. Few people are willing to get deprecating about subjects that are quite so significant, or be quite so honest about it.

In some ways, that quote is almost uncomfortable to listen to because there is truth in it. Though I don’t think it’s all true. Mark Watson, for example, absolutely has done things in comedy that people haven’t done before. He’s well known for his inventive concept shows like the marathons or the collective novel writing or the Edinburgholympics. But I do see the argument that those are special because of their concepts (even as I write this I’m hearing Daniel Kitson’s voice in my head, from a radio thing I heard recently where he called Mark Watson’s marathon shows a “gimmick”, rather than the term I’m sure Mark would prefer of “concept”, but Daniel Kitson can go away for a minute and stop ruining the English language for everyone else), it’s not the same as trying to stand out in the realm of just one person on stage delivering their own material.

They get into the nature of self-deprecation a bit later in the podcast (do you do it because you’re worried that if you claim to be good you’ll look like a dick, or do you do it because you’re worried that if you claim to be good you’ll be tempting fate and jinx it and some way?), and that was also interesting, but I won’t quote it all because I can’t just write out the whole episode. However, it does bring me to the audio clip I put at the top of this post. Tumblr annoyingly only lets you upload one video or audio clip per post, and makes you put it at the very top. I chose that as the part to clip because out of the whole interview, this is what stayed with me the most after I first heard it.

Mark Watson used the term “killer instinct”, which I’ve started using as a way to sort of summarize the whole thing they described in the clip. I use it to mean a comedy show (or just part of a comedy show) that can take on a serious subject without letting the punchline undercut it. You can do that either by letting the show go a little while without laughs, or by making a joke out of the issue, but with a punchline that highlights the seriousness, rather than undermining it. I’m not sure if that makes complete sense, and the fact that I can’t explain it any more clearly than that is probably a sign of how difficult is to actually do. But I think I know it when I hear it. Since I first heard that podcast episode last summer, I’ve sometimes described other people’s comedy as either having, or conspicuously lacking, the killer instinct that Mark Watson described. He’s given me new vocabulary for talking about comedy, even if you have to listen to a specific podcast episode to know what that vocabulary means.

I won’t transcribe the whole audio clip, but here's the most relevant quote from it, where Mark actually uses the term:

“I was aware that I’d still kind of taken the soft options [in his 2014 stand-up show Flaws], like there were jokes in it that didn’t really cohere, but they would get big laughs. Or I would shy away from really big topics. And the most perceptive critics would say ‘This is good, but it could have been better.’ And that sums me up quite well, I think. I’ve always really struggled to find that killer instinct.”

His 2014 Edinburgh show, Flaws, got turned into a DVD in 2015. I have seen that show, and I have to say, his analysis of it is spot on (the analysis he gives in that whole clip and not just this quote – everyone should really listen to the entire episode, but if not then you should at least listen to the entire audio clip at the top of this post, it’s really good). Almost painfully spot on, because I love Mark Watson and I want to say he’s wrong, but honestly he’s right. He can introspect very accurately.

Having said that, I’ve also heard a few of the shows he’s done since then, and I find them interesting in light of the desire he expressed, at this podcast recording in 2015, to get better at that killer instinct. He’s gotten better at it every time – I’d say his 2020 show had significantly more of it than Flaws did, and his 2021 show had even more. I haven’t heard recordings of any full stand-up shows he’s done between 2015 and 2020, but there were some radio shows in the intervening years that were basically just vehicles for his stand-up, so I can hear a bit of how it evolved. It’s certainly interesting to compare that to his 2011 DVD, or his even earlier stand-up that I’ve heard on the radio, which was almost all things like funny stories on the tube. Some of those stories were very funny, but he’s changed a lot since then, I think for the better.

Next in the podcast, and I won’t transcribe it all again, they get into why he’s always comparing himself to other comedians, and how that is both something he can’t imagine not doing, and something that probably precludes being happy. That’s a bit that I didn’t understand as much when I first heard this episode, as I’ve heard a bunch more of Mark Watson’s stuff since then. I now have a much better understanding of just how often he does that. This one podcast episode is far from the only time I’ve heard him express regret about not being as good as Daniel Kitson. But he also talks about other comedians, from a passing comment about not having a TV show like Russell Howard, to that Kettering gig that had quite a bit about James Acaster in it. Almost all comedians make comments at some point about being jealous of their more successful peers, but Mark Watson does it more than most, as far as I can tell. Though to be fair, I don’t know if he really says that stuff more often than most comedians do, or if he’s just more willing to say it in public.

Near the end of the episode, they get into Mark Watson’s “feuds” with Stewart Lee and Frankie Boyle. “Feud” would probably not be the right term to use for the Stewart Lee thing, as that was just Mark Watson doing an advertisement and Stewart Lee being a dick about it. But I’d say it applies in Frankie Boyle’s case, as Mark Watson was a much more willing participant in that fight, and did in fact kind of start it. Which I don’t think is a bad thing, as some fights deserve to be started. I’ve gone into this on other posts, sometimes tying myself a bit in knots in an effort to defend my love of Frankie Boyle despite the many good reasons to dislike him, but one thing I’ll never defend is anything he did in this situation. He was wrong with what he did in the first place, Mark Watson was right to say so, and then Frankie Boyle was absolutely awful in how he responded.

Anyway, if anyone’s interested in the weird number of times Mark Watson has found himself at odds with other comedians, they discuss that in a fair amount of detail in this podcast episode, and once again, I mainly come away from it wanting to give Mark Watson a hug. As I’ve also said before, aside from thinking Stewart Lee and Frankie Boyle were both wrong in the situation (it’s only a fucking cider advertisement, leave him alone), Mark Watson’s general sympathy-inducing nature does make me wonder how anyone can be even a little bit mean to him and still sleep at night.

It ends with some stuff about why he pretended to be Welsh, which is a nice tension breaker after discussing the inter-comedian feuds. They also covered other topics in that episode that I haven’t hit in this post, the whole thing is so good, everyone should listen to it.

This episode, for me, goes into so much of what I like about Mark Watson. I’ve had a few people (a couple of people on here, and my then-girlfriend who watched Taskmaster with me last year) tell me that based on seeing Mark Watson on Taskmaster alone, they felt like he was too, sort of, “soft” to be a comedian who immediately catches their interest. And as much I think “soft” comedians can be very good too, I always want to tell people that if they’ve only seen him on Taskmaster, they don’t understand. Mark Watson has plenty of what his buddy Tim Minchin would refer to as a:

In fact, if you look closely enough, you realize Mark Watson is almost all dark side, covered on top with just a thin veneer of… I’m trying to decide what word to use here, and all I can think of is that recent post by @my-excellent-bicycle​ of some interviewer telling Mark Watson the definition of the word “adorakable”, and how people have applied it to him. I think that might be the most accurate word I can use to describe what the veneer is.

Honestly, if you look at what Mark Watson is, across his stand-up and his radio shows and his podcast interviews and No More Jockeys and all those other things he’s done - I’ve only read one of his novels but this applies to that as well - there is so much going on. Classic subjects for darker comedy, like alcoholism and what sounds like quite a messy divorce. But there’s also this constant underlying thing that looks like ambition in stuff like actual life success, and it looks like competitiveness in small stuff like Taskmaster and NMJ. And the “dark side” way that that thing comes out is as bitterness toward anyone from James Acaster for having a successful podcast, to Tim Key for getting out of NMJ challenges that should have defeated him. It’s bitterness that Mark often avoids, because his whole thing is being really nice, but then it’ll come out at times as something passive-aggressive, or sometimes just aggressive-aggressive. I do really enjoy Uncharacteristically Aggressive Mark Watson, I think partly because it feels like an expression of something that’s sort of underlying all the time.

And on the subject of aggression, a guy who’s been in feuds with the likes of Stewart Lee and Frankie Boyle can hardly be called completely soft, can he? In one of those two feuds, he even willingly participated. He also made some Tweets last year expressing distaste for That One Jimmy Carr Joke that everyone was talking about, and for the way Jimmy Carr doubled down on it. I respect Mark Watson for his willingness to say so when he thinks other comedians are wrong.

Also, if I’m talking about Mark Watson’s dark side, I have to mention the anxiety and depression, which are obviously common among comedians (and among everyone else) but their effects are at the forefront in Mark Watson’s on-stage persona more than most. I’ve heard him talk about them forthrightly, and with care and insight, on a few podcasts. He also talks about them sort of evasively in his stand-up. Some relatively low-level anxiety effects even come out on No More Jockeys. I used to get in trouble at school for always having crumpled up papers, I now carry around dead USB cords and/or elastic bands everywhere I go so I’ll have something to do with my hands that isn’t just destroy whatever’s in front of me. Given that, I do like watching Mark Watson’s constant, compulsive fidgeting to the point where it’s even gotten him accused of cheating at No More Jockeys a couple of times.

It’s worth noting that this particular episode, from the Comedian’s Comedian podcast in May 2015, would have been recorded during the height of some of that. On a more recent podcast, he was discussing his up-and-down experiences with mental health, and he said around 2015 would have been when he most needed to hear whatever advice/reassurance that people give to someone who’s thinking about suicide (specifically he said he wasn’t at that point any more and hadn’t been for a long time, but had been at times in the past, and 2015 was the worst of it). I think at other times he’s cited 2015 as a low point for his drinking problem/marriage falling apart. So that’s some relevant context for listening to this episode - he gets pretty deep into the self-deprecation and the “I don’t know how to stop comparing myself to more successful people, and I’m pretty sure it’s not possible to be happy while doing that”, but Stuart Goldsmith did catch him at a particularly bad time.

I feel like I should have some better way to end this post, a proper conclusion, but I don’t, really. I just wanted to write about this really good Mark Watson interview, and to explain that, if you look at all his stuff in chronological order, you can definitely see a progression toward bringing more of an edge into his actual stand-up material. I think it’s an improvement, even though I like his earlier stuff too. So that’s the conclusion, I think: Mark Watson laid out an desire, back in 2015, to develop a “killer instinct” in his stand-up. I think, these days, he’s succeeding.

[whileiamdying]

How Cubism Changed During the 20th Century

EMRE KAGITC 30 JULY 2022

Art changed a lot during the start of the 20th century. World War I affected this transition and changed the process as many artists tried to express their feelings in a different way during war times. Signs of early Cubism can be found in the works of Paul Cézanne with his simplified view of nature. Cézanne influenced both Picasso and Braque, it is thought that it was thanks to him that Cubism could evolve.

Pablo Picasso’s Les Demoiselles d’Avignon created a new page in art history becoming a cornerstone for the first revolution in 20th century art. The painting produced between 1906–1907 is said to be the first sign of  “Cubist thought”. Picasso was definitely impressed and influenced by Paul Cézanne’s Female Bathers in Front of a Tent, from the composure of the subject matter to the perspective used in the painting. He then used this approach in Les Demoiselles d’Avignon — he created a different perspective by using three-dimensional female nudes and two-dimensional space, including ornaments in the room.

Additionally, in 1907 when Guillaume Apollinaire introduced Picasso to Georges Braque, who was already overwhelmed by the Les Demoiselles d’Avignon, Cubism completed its frontrunners. Because of the influence of this early friendship Braque produced a picture titled Large Nude in 1908. While the frontrunners took the lead in Cubist history in the year 1910, the Cubist artists divided into two groups known as Gallery Cubists (Braque and Picasso) as opposed to Salon Cubists (Robert Delaunay, Henri Le Fauconnier, Albert Gleizes, and Jean Metzinger). This separation was triggered by Picasso refusing to exhibit his artworks in the salons and Braque following his decision.

The early era of Cubism (1906/1907-09) was influenced by these two painters who changed the primary subject in their artworks; they no longer imitated nature, but instead created their own reality. It was a continuation of the analytical Cubism formed by Picasso and Braque. Their motifs are not only portrayed from various perspectives simultaneously but are also fragmented into smaller forms, which let them become set pieces of a physical whole.

However, with the start of the First World War, the situation of the artists changed. Many artists in that era were still young, and they were mostly conscripted to military service. Communication between them was disrupted and Cubism as an independent artistic style was lost in the confusion.

[slimeinnocence]

Initial Thoughts on Art and Science

Earlier topics within this course--primarily those pieces we read which had to do with place/space and science, Einstein’s Clocks and Poincare’s Maps, and pieces on digital humanities--have enticed and foregrounded my interest in the connection between science and visuality. My first quandary is that, to my knowledge, there seems to be no canonical or scholarly development of the connection between science and art. But, there are many (as to why these are “initial thoughts”) diverging paths here. First, because I’m simply more intertwined with the history of technology and contemporary art, it might be that I’m just completely ignorant to blossoming work within this area, and/or formidable works which have paved the way for further inquiry. Second, because I’m speaking from an “academic” standpoint, there not need be a institutionalization of the connection between art and science for the inquiry itself to be formidable; it might very well be that there remains a colloquial interest which is as equally interesting and important than a more scholarly approach. And third, perhaps most importantly, I am personally theorizing a connection between science and art that is more conceptual in scope. I am cognizant of such journals as Leonardo, and Peter Galison’s piece is enough to showcase an interest between science and visuality, but I am thinking about science in a more artistic perspective.

To be honest, I don’t completely know what I mean by that statement, but I will try to elaborate. I am already aware of a technical appreciation of the arts within the sciences, for example, the commissioning of artists to depict astronomical models/diagrams (or for any other discipline) by the natural philosophers which conducted the research (if not illustrated themselves, such as with da Vinci). What I also remember quite saliently in terms of early modern science and art is also the issue of perspective, the movement away from a Durerian depiction of space to a more “analytic” and “realistic” linear perspective (here, particularly within architecture, such Vitruvius’ tenets). I am also aware of movements and arguments against the “iconoclastic” terming of Islamic art through an analysis of early modern Islamic astronomy. It can be argued that these are even contemporary problems, just as scientists may commission “science writers” to make their work easily textually digestible, a designer or artist may be commissioned to make their work visually digestible.

As described above, this is not the connection between science and art that I’m necessarily “looking for.” I am trying to understand how art can progress and help understand (or perhaps, even endanger or make chaotic) the nature of “science.” I do not think that the interesting avenues, at least within our contemporary times, is an art which tries to realistically depict art, or an art which tries to give science a visual facade because of logistical aspirations. At first, I believe these attempts while need to be conceptual, and eventually blossom out into experimental and progressive forms of stylistic representation.

Mika Tajima, Negative Entropy, 2015. https://mikatajima.com/negative-entropy/

I do believe that there are multiple potential reasons as to why technology and art is a more evident (at least, after some knowledge). One of them is very simple: technology is more ontological, more material, more visual. Technology is typically classified as “science materialized,” so there’s an obvious inspiration to be had in the physical manifestation of an abstract concept. It is “easier” to create art about technology because, unlike science, you can both create art “with” technology or “about” technology. But, again, there are some issues here. The appreciation of the relationship between technology and art can be seen to blossom globally after WW1. I believe this could also be understand as a reflection of the movement from modern art to contemporary art: moving away from standard mediums (such as painting, drawing), moving away from typical presentations (such as, canvas upon a museum gallery), and a complete re-imagining of the avenues which art can enter. Conceptual art, for example, seems to be a perfect example of an “art” only acceptable and understandable within a contemporary context, and one which does not necessarily require “stylistic” strength. So, science can fit within the arena of conceptual art quite well, but have we seen this? In terms of sheer historicization, another clear disability is the fact that there seems to be no “canon” to this relationship. Whereas art and technology have groups such as Ant Farm, E.A.T., Futurism, Metabolism, Archigram, and so on, what do the science-artists have?

Perhaps this a letter to my future self, when I have found these artists, but for now I’m yearning for art which can conceptually and stylistically depict a hadron-collider; a performance-art act of laboratory work; cells and viruses depicted through digital media.

Eduardo Kac, Alba.

[rurulaura]

I also made some headcanons for maki, daigo, and meiko if you are curious …

Zodiac

Meiko - Virgo

Strengths – Virgo is considered the most intelligent sign in the zodiac, as the place where Mercury is exalted. They are in fact truly practical and smart when it comes to everyday issues. Analytical and deep, their greatest strength is their mind at they should use it to resolve matters of life that obviously present to them for a reason. Clean and thorough, a Virgo will make everything that was broken, tainted or spoiled, clean, fixed and working again. This is why they are often found as healers, for some Virgos have a talent to fix broken hearts, souls, egos or bodies.

Weaknesses – the greatest weakness of any Virgo hides in their emotional world. While they rely on their mind to give them all the answers they seek, lack of understanding can lead them to hurtful, irrational experiences that they simply don’t understand. They need to accept their fragility, sensitivity and approach matters of the heart as valid, important and sensible. The other weakness these individuals have to face is lack of awareness of their self-worth, shown through their need to always think less of themselves, as if they cannot do anything that is satisfying enough.

For years Meiko had been hiding shame and resentment of herself under a veil of shyness. She thought she could control Meicoomon, as long she was there, Meicoomon wouldn’t go berserk. 

When she realized Meicoomon was the source of the infection that caused her friends so much suffering, she kept blaming herself, even running away. She felt she had no right to be around the DIgimon or her friends. 

Even with the reassurance of the others, it was hard to have faith in herself and to think good things about herself. To see what was good in her. 

Meiko has shown to use what she learned from everyone else to help in her goals. Reiterating SOra’s words back to her, and having to come to the conclusion that ultimately, her partner would have to die in order to save both worlds. Despite the harshness of the decision, Meiko still very much loves Meicoomon 

Daigo - Sagittarius

Strengths – Sagittarius is an adventurer, both physically and mentally. People born in this Sun sign have a broad mind and they are able to change perspective with ease, until they find the right version of words spoken, events or reasons for anything they want to examine. Highly adjustable and with a deep understanding for different people, nations, countries, governments and in general – ways of life, they blend in perfectly with the natives, wherever they are. They need enough space, don’t want to be contained in their home, by their partner or in any other way. Movement will fill up their batteries, energize them and make them confident and strong. Independent, optimistic and sincere, this is a friend you want in your life, especially if you need someone to help you find hope or a purpose to anything that troubles you.

Weakness – The greatest weakness of Sagittarius is their inability to find focus. With such a broad vision, it is not easy to pay too much attention to details, be practical and narrow down their sentences to be understandable and unambiguous. As a consequence of their faith in the goodness of human kind, these individuals will often end up disappointed or challenged, and their faith has to be built up from a point of deep understanding, or they have a tendency to turn into inflexible, grumpy people who had high hopes, once.

Daigo is very laid back and cares deeply for the people around him. So deeply he doesn’t see the big picture and how destructive Maki’s suffering actually was. He tried to be the hope she desperately needed, but couldn’t help her. 

As his time as a Chosen Child, he was the leader of the group, and probably was their hope in many desperate situations.  

He teaches Calligraphy as his part time job and helps Taichi to find a good career path for him to take. 

Maki - Capricorn

Strengths – The greatest strengths of a Capricorn are his ambition, discipline and patience. With their ability to plan ahead and think of all necessary steps in their chase for a certain goal, they are often successful in their career path. Reliable and dedicated, these individuals often have trouble opening up to other people, but become trustworthy and stable in a relationship once they decide to be a part of it. With their endurance and patience, there is hardly anything that seems impossible.

Weaknesses – While they set extremely high goals for themselves, they often do so without the proper basis in their hearts. If they separate from their emotional needs and stay focused mainly on the image they will show to the rest of the world, they easily become unsatisfied, grumpy, and even angry at their circumstances, however successful they might get. The lack of compassion that comes as a product of their own, personal lack of satisfaction, leads to them becoming cold, distant and detached from others, while selfishly pursuing their goals with no regard to other people along the way. Their direction needs to be founded in their true personality, creativity and their hearts, in order for the rest of their life to have true quality.

Maki had plans of a reboot since University years and saw an opportunity to turn her plan into action with Meicoomon and eventually “Gennai’s” help. She carefully thought of the plans and actions in hand in order for the plan to work. 

But one thing she didn’t foresee was what the reboot could mean other than reviving perma dead Digimon.  Bakumon not remembering her then running away caused her to snap.  The circumstances caused her to have an emotional break and end up in the Dark Ocean, begging for Bakumon to come back to her. 

So, quick question: Do you ever thought headcanoning a birthday for Wallace, Menoa, Maki or Daigo?

(I'm curious because, i don't remember seeing many headcanons about the non-Adv/02 kids when it comes to birthdays...)

Hmm, you know, I never thought about it until I got this ask! I don't have specific-date headcanons for the Original 12, just star signs, so I can take a similar stab at it for the movie characters based on vibes and some of my Very Specific Thoughts about them:

Wallace - Easy! Gemini (late May - late June). Mostly because of the twins thing. But also, in the US, school starts in late August/early September, with the age cutoff for entering a grade being about the same time, which would make him perpetually one of the youngest in his class. I'm projecting a bit based on what I remember from early elementary school, but since kids that age will tease you for just about anything, I think being "the youngest" among his peers would cause him to try to act more mature than he really is, and (maybe) provide some rationale for all that inappropriate flirting he does :) I'm putting that out there only because I headcanon the exact opposite to be true for...

Menoa - Virgo (late August - late September). Conversely, Menoa is perpetually the oldest in her school year, causing her to form the belief about herself early on (coupled with her ability to excel academically and start to skip grades), that she really is more mature than those in her age group (she's not).

Daigo and Maki - Based on this Wikipedia article, I like the idea of giving them birthdays to match the Holy Beast their digimon represent (White Tiger for Baihumon and Yellow Dragon for Fanglongmon. Even though we don't know that that's what Bakumon would have Mega-evolved into, that's my digivolution headcanon). That places Daigo's birthday in autumn and Maki's in midsummer (again, according to Wikipedia). Additionally, the White Tiger is associated with the Metal element, and as I know from Sailor Moon, Venus is the planet of gold/metal (kinsei), making Daigo fit very neatly as a Libra (late September - late October), a star sign ruled by Venus. The Yellow Dragon is associated with the element of Earth, which is a bit trickier, since there's no "Earth" sign in the summer (though, I suppose Virgo technically is) nor one on the zodiac with a ruling planet of Earth. The closest we have is the Moon as a ruling planet... so Maki's a Virgo or a Cancer depending on which path you want to follow. I do like going the opposite and making her born in winter though... Capricorn (late December - late January), makes the most sense to me; I actually like that quite well for her serious, goal-oriented personality.

And while we're at it, Meiko! For my-own-personal-crest-headcanon reasons, she also has to be a Libra. The scales = balance = Mei-mei (to me).

This was fun, thanks for the ask!

[authenticcadence18]

ok so. I’m gonna talk about a certain non-canon PnF ship I dislike for a bit.

(and by a bit. I mean for far longer than I intended.) 

And. Ok. I’m just gonna preface this by saying:  I am not seeking to tear down the ship in question. If you ship it, if it makes you happy, I am not trying to step on your toes and make you feel bad at all!!! I’m sure there are plenty of great reasons to ship these two characters, I just don’t agree. And that’s fine! 

I simply want to talk through a certain scene in Phineas and Ferb that fans of this ship usually point to as a pivotal moment between the two, point out another scene between a DIFFERENT ship that is often overlooked, and compare the two. 

analysis/rant will be below the cut

(this post is about Ferb*lla, btw. in case you hadn’t guessed.)

Ok so. Recently I watched a video where someone talked about shipping Ferb and Isabella and why they did so. (I’ll also say I did NOT seek out a video about this specific ship, it just happened to be a brief topic of discussion in it. And I stopped watching the video after this.). I don’t want to say which video it was because I’m not trying to attack any given person here! But I wanted to give y’all context for why I’m writing this. 

Anyway. The infamous “hand-holding” scene from “When Worlds Collide” was used as the main evidence for this ship. The person in the video claimed that “Isabella instinctively grabbed Ferb’s hand” and that they looked at each other and “had a moment” and went on about how they shipped Ferb and Isabella because Phineas was just “so oblivious.” 

Now. I understand being frustrated with Phineas’s obliviousness. Been there, done that. And I understand how some would want Isabella to be paired romantically with someone who registers and reciprocates her feelings.

But this take on that scene is just, well, not right. (I suspect the maker of this video had not viewed said scene in quite some time and it was just a vague memory.) In this post, I’m going to go over what actually happens in that scene, compare it to a Phinabella scene with a similar vibe, and then just talk about Phineas’s treatment of Isabella in general and how their dynamic is so much more than “pining girl/oblivious to a fault boy.”

PART 1: “When Worlds Collide” 

(you can run! wait...wrong show) 

Ok so. In this episode, there is a scene towards the end where Isabella reaches out for Phineas’s hand but ends up grabbing Ferb’s instead. Ferb pats her hand and assures her that everything will be alright, and Isabella immediately pulls her hand back and curiously glances over at an aloof Phineas. 

In the video in question, the speaker claimed that Isabella “instinctively” reached out for Ferb. 

But that’s not what happened. 

Isabella deliberately reached out for Phineas’s hand. You can tell by the way the shot prior to the handholding bit is staged. 

Phineas is clearly on Isabella’s left while Ferb is on her right. (From our perspective as audience members.)

In the very next shot, Isabella smiles and reaches out to the left, where Phineas should be

In any world other than that of a cartoon, she’d have grabbed Phineas’s hand. But because of cartoon shenanigans, Ferb is inexplicably standing directly to her left in the next shot, so she grabs his hand instead.

As SOON as Isabella realizes she’s holding Ferb’s hand and not Phineas’s, her smile disappears and she pulls her hand away before glancing over at Phineas, confused.

CLEARLY this scene is just a gag. Isabella wants to hold Phineas’s hand, but whoops! she holds Ferb’s instead. Phineas being oblivious isn’t even a part of the joke, it’s just 100% the universe being against Isabella 🙃. And Isabella shows no romantic affection towards Ferb whatsoever in this scene.

Now, one could say Ferb’s reaction to Isabella holding his hand indicates at least a one-sided crush on his part. But I disagree. From Ferb’s perspective, Isabella grabbed his hand because she was worried, and he reassured her like any good friend would do before returning to his former position once Isabella pulled her hand away. He wasn’t offended by her pulling her hand away, and he didn’t make a lovestruck/disappointed face when she pulled away.

And Ferb also misread her gesture. Because Isabella wasn’t worried. She was awestruck, amazed, and wanted to share the moment with the boy she has feelings for. I suspect if she’d grabbed Phineas’s hand, he wouldn’t have misread her gesture.

(Well. Ok. He WOULD have misread it but in a different way. Isabella and Phineas hold hands a lot in the show, so it wouldn’t have been unusual to him. In his mind, Isabella’s his best friend and sometimes they hold hands! I suspect he might have glanced at her for a moment before returning his gaze to the sky, smile never faltering, because who better to share such a special moment with than his best friend?)

I also personally like to think of Ferb and Isabella as having a sibling-like relationship. Ferb teases her about her crush on Phineas AND acts as her wingman on multiple occasions, which are 100% things a sibling would do. And they genuinely are friends! I love their friendship. And so that’s how I characterize this scene, as Isabella being confused and Ferb just trying to be a good friend. It’s not romantic: it’s first and foremost a joke. And on a deeper level, it’s a moment of Ferb expressing platonic affection towards a close friend.

Part 2: “The Klimpaloon Ultimatum”

This episode came out a little less than two years after “When Worlds Collide,” when Phineas and Ferb was a bit on the decline in terms of popularity. Neither episode is a mainstream one, but this one is definitely the less well-known of the two. 

This is a shame. Because it’s a fantastic episode. AND because it contains one of my favorite Phinabella moments. 

Just to set up the scene: the kiddos have been captured and learn of Mittington Random’s nefarious deeds. He’s been conducting inhumane experiments and trying to create “living” swimwear with no success and plans to take Klimpaloon--the magical old timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas himself--apart to do so. Isabella expresses distress at his evildoings before they even come across Klimpaloon, and when they DO come across Klimpaloon and learn the extent of Random’s plan, Phineas is right there....

and they REACH OUT FOR EACH OTHER. INSTINCTIVELY. LOOK AT THIS.

They don’t even have to LOOK at one another. Phineas can just SENSE Isabella’s distress, and Isabella reaches out for him to comfort her without even thinking about it and he DOES.

I mean!! LOOK AT THEM. This is Isabella realizing what’s happened! She didn’t reach out for Phineas intentionally, it just happened!! They were totally in sync!

and LOOK HOW CONTENT SHE IS NOW. even amidst the horror of the villain’s plan, just being close to Phineas comforts her. Or at least momentarily cheers her up. (And ok I know this moment is also primarily a gag but IT’S IN ISABELLA’S FAVOR THIS TIME. Instead of leaving her confused and without Phineas, it leaves her with a dreamy grin on her face and in his arms. Bless Season 4.)

And AND. The next shot is of Random speaking for a few seconds, and then we get a shot of all the characters...

AND ISABELLA AND PHINEAS ARE STILL HOLDING ONE ANOTHER. Although it looks like they’ve gone from hugging  to just holding hands, which means even if they didn’t want to keep hugging they DID WANT TO KEEP HOLDING ONE ANOTHER I JUST AHHHH. 

So. Let’s review. 

In the first scene, Isabella accidentally holds Ferb’s hand. She doesn’t need to be comforted, she just wants to share a moment with Phineas and is confused when she realizes she isn’t holding his hand. Ferb comforts her because he’s being a good friend and thinks she is concerned. He misreads her needs. So like, he means well, he’s her friend! But it’s not romantic. And they hardly hold hands at all. (And, come on, this scene is mostly meant to be a gag.) 

In the second scene, Isabella is definitely distressed, and without a word (or even having to make eye contact), she and Phineas reach out to hold one another without thinking about it. Somehow, Phineas knows Isabella needs to be comforted and Isabella knows Phineas will be there for her. And they STAY HOLDING HANDS into the next shot. 

Isabella does not instinctively reach out for Ferb’s hand in the first clip. 

Isabella and Phineas instinctively reach out for one another in the second.

Need I say more? 

Part 3: In Defense of Phineas and the Phinabella Dynamic

So. Yes. Phineas is oblivious to Isabella’s romantic feelings for him. Painfully, painfully oblivious to them. (And he’s painfully oblivious to his own feelings for her because COME ON. “Night of the Living Pharmacists” alone proves he almost certainly had feelings for her when they were kids, he just had no idea.)

But. He can’t be blamed for this. He is a CHILD, for goodness sake. When I was younger his obliviousness definitely got on my nerves, but like....he IS just a kid. He was never obligated to return Isabella’s feelings (...that should sound familiar to some of y’all). Phineas just wasn’t thinking about romance relating to himself when he was younger. He was oblivious to it, and that’s okay.

And you know what he’s not oblivious to in the show proper? How much he cares for Isabella as his friend. 

Phineas LOVES being Isabella’s friend. Like. She’s his best friend. (Vincent Martella himself said so!!) 

He goes out of his way to help her earn patches and overcome other problems (like an incurable case of the hiccups!). 

He consistently compliments her athleticism and skills and cuteness (in his own unique way, of course😂). 

Although he expresses distress when Baljeet expects him to go a day without inventing in “Bully Bromance Breakup,” he is more than happy to spend the day alone with Isabella and suggests having a regular ol’ picnic when she mentions being hungry in “It’s No Picnic.” AND he is excited to take that picnic and make it even better for Isabella once Ferb returns (because Phineas probably thinks Isabella would rather have a big picnic as opposed to a small one! He’s doing that for himself but also for her!).

He partners up with her for inventions over Ferb sometimes and is willing to put big ideas for the day on hold if she can’t participate. 

He planned surprise after surprise for her birthday (and presumably for her birthdays before that!) and felt the need to “make it up to her” when the final surprise didn’t go as planned.  

He was DEVASTATED when separated from her in “Night of the Living Pharmacists” and claimed he’d “never forgive himself” if she was infected, and once being reunited with her, he didn’t leave her side and held her hand and made sure she was alright. And he SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR HER IN THE END. Like. At that point Phineas could’ve let Isabella get infected and stopped the invasion himself. BUT HE DIDN’T. HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR HER. He both cared enough to give himself up and TRUSTED her to save him. LIKE. LIKE. 

Come on. Maybe Phineas doesn’t know Isabella has a crush on him in the show proper. But GOSH. He cares so, so, SO much about her. 

To claim Ferb is a better match for Isabella simply because he’s more aware of romance in general is just a disservice to the close friendship she and Phineas share. 

Did Isabella deserve better during the show? I mean. Yeah. (I wrote a whole fic because of that, lol.) But it isn’t really Phineas’s fault that he never found out about her feelings. So many times, Isabella’s plans to confess or spend time with Phineas were ruined by circumstances totally out of her control (aka: the b-plot’s inator of the day. aka: the writers maintaining the status quo.) If it weren’t for Doofenshmirtz, Isabella would’ve confessed to him in the main summer the show takes place in. 

And you’ll notice! Even in episodes where Isabella is frustrated with Phineas’s obliviousness, their friendship remains in tact. Isabella is TICKED at Phineas during the “do I know romance or what?” scene in “That Sinking Feeling.” But then in the next scene they’re both in, Isabella is at Phineas’s side and smiling! His obliviousness hurts her sometimes, but it doesn’t outweigh the friendship and sweet moments they share. It doesn’t define their dynamic.

Phineas is oblivious. But he still loves Isabella in his own unique way. And Isabella loves him and loves being his friend even though he’s oblivious. 

(And also FERB SHIPS PHINABELLA. He steps away to let them spend time together, he sends them off to get ice cream together at the end of “Happy Birthday Isabella”. He 100% supports Isabella and Phineas and wants them to be together. And there’s no jealousy there either! He’s just supportive and awesome and I LOVE FERB OKAY.) 

So. In Conclusion.

If you ship Ferb and Isabella. That’s great! I do not want to step on your toes, and I’m sure you’ve got your own reasons for doing so. I know firsthand just how wonderful a favorite ship can make one feel, so I’d never want to take that from anyone. 

But just. Please. PLEAAASE. Please don’t belittle Phineas in shipping them. And don’t disregard the moments he and Isabella share. 

Phineas cares for Isabella. So very much. In his own unique, wonderful way. And there is so much more to meaningful relationships than romance. 

Thank you. 

[bunnywritesmarvel]

currently stuck in quarantine and rewatching the punisher (p/s: somebody give that man a hug, please 🥺) i need some interesting insights on how frank would go on about a reader who is dealing with mental abuse (childhood) trauma...it's such a fascinating area to explore the depth of his character because the situation is so much more complex, it poses a great challenge to his otherwise one-dimensional perspective of dealing with his problems, i.e. "search-find-execute", like...here, there is not a present "enemy", no bloody fights, no visible wounds to stitch, no completely messed up life situation that needs a total reboot, no real grasp of the gravity of things, you know what im saying...like how would frank knowing all that be like?

this is such an intricate question and im living for it, thank you so much for sending this in omg

its a little long and rambly and might not make sense but i loved thinking about this!! frank is such an interesting character so putting him in this situation was fun and challenging!

frank is definitely an intelligent man, and he very easily picks up on your habits. maybe youre always looking over your shoulder, holding your keys between your fingers, avoiding squeaky floor boards in your home etc. he just notices the little things, how careful you are, how you phrase certain things. hes heard little tid bits of your childhood, how it wasnt the best, to put it nicely and he can guess all these habits stem from that. how you avoid confrontation, refuse to ask for help no matter how much you need it.

he doesnt know where to start, how to bring things up, and when he notices things start to get bad the first person he calls is karen. shes kind and understanding, shes dealt with shitty things, maybe she’ll have some insight. he takes everything she has to say in, figures out which is the best way to approach you, and sets out on his mission.

he loves the talks he has with you, loves being able to get into your brain and figure out how you think, what goes on in there. he listens so carefully to everything you have to say, takes in every little word and rolls them around in his head. he may not fully understand everything, the psychology behind trauma, how it affects your daily life, but he tries. he tries to make things easier, be there for you, let you cry or rant when you need to. hes never forgotten a detail of anything youve told him. takes everything to heart and tries to put himself in your shoes. he’ll probably pick up a few books about it if he can, anything to get more insight.

it may not be his usual methods of solving problems, but he’ll find another way to support you, one that works with your personality and your way of thinking. hes a very analytical person, so he’ll find a way

[multi-lefaiye]

💬💬💬 and pen for eden!!!!!

yes thank u <3 heheeeee

okay so the first excerpt is gonna be from one of my flash fiction friday entries, a tftgs fic specifically:

For much of his life, Jack has felt like a used battery. He feels like an old, broken thing, low on energy and with very little left to give. He supposes it was only a matter of time before someone decided to throw him out.

and thiiis is from an older thing i wrote that i might go back to at some point?? not sure though. not gonna give context for now tho <3 (if you recognize the characters. don't look me in the eye rn i know this is self-indulgent):

“Did you just shoot someone!?” Saeyoung cried, still clearly panicking.

“I don’t know, maybe?” Addison replied, trying to drag him along as they tried to avoid looking in the direction they'd just fired. “Just get in the car, asshole!”

“Sorry, I kind of have a bullet in me right now!” he protested, but still did his best to get to his feet. “I told you to stay in the car!”

“Have your goddamn lovers’ quarrel later!” Vanderwood yelled at them over the sound of gunfire raining down on them all.

and theeen this is for another slightly older thing, but i like the comedy here :3

For a moment, Henry just stared at the unconscious man on his living room floor. Then he asked the question that was nagging at the back of his mind. “Why the fuck is he naked?”

AND a little Eden conversation!!! I'm gonna talk a bit about something I haven't talked about publicly in much detail: Eden's chronic pain and fatigue. I haven't talked about it in Great detail because I'm still trying to research n' such to make sure that my portrayal is as faithful and respectful as I can make it.

I won't go into how it's going to come into play story-wise in the campaign, nor the mechanics and accommodations and such planned for this, but I'll talk a bit about it! Under the cut though b/c this might be a bit long.

So Eden's mother, Hannah, dealt with chronic illness for most of her life. In the campaign, it's kind of an ambiguous illness because she wouldn't have had access to modern terminology (or even really a specific diagnosis in general, considering the healthcare available where she lived), but I think the closest to what she has would be fibromyalgia, which is what I'm focusing my research on for Eden.

(And also, if I do go ahead and write a standalone story/WIP with Eden outside of the campaign, this will be discussed and explored in greater detail since the focus would be on him specifically a bit more.)

The research I've done so far does say that fibromyalgia isn't always necessarily passed directly from parent to child, but I'm thinking it's still something that Eden has, and after his death and resurrection his symptoms start to flare up in a way they wouldn't have beforehand.

Like I said, I am still doing research into this because I want to give the most earnest, respectful portrayal I can, but I do still have some thoughts about Eden's personal experiences with it and how he processes it. Because Eden's thought process is my favorite thing to explore.

So Eden approaches everything in his life from a very analytical perspective, so once he registers that his symptoms aren't normal he immediately goes into analysis mode and tries to determine, to an incredibly exact degree, what his limits are. He's a scientist at heart, and his response to every situation is to experiment and learn everything he can.

This will have... mixed results for him. On one hand, over time, Eden will come to understand his condition very well, even without necessarily having access to a specific diagnosis in the campaign itself. On the other hand, it also means that Eden is going to push himself a TON and possibly seriously hurt himself trying to see how far he can go before he has issues.

I'm still looking into specific accommodations Eden could have as time goes on, but I'm definitely thinking mobility aids would be very useful for him--particularly forearm support crutches, if possible.

And last thing I do wanna say. While it might be easy to assume that, all things considered, Eden would be very against the idea of using mobility aids b/c he's just so stubborn.... that's not the case! Eden is a stubborn li'l asshole, but once he understands his limits better I do think he would want mobility aids and would actively seek them out.

Aaanyway okay I still have a lot of research n' such to be doing, but that's some of my thoughts so far!!! Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[senzacaponecoda]

Opening thoughts [stopping on p 34, not even through cp 1]

I feel like just arbitrarily preferencing nonconfigurational langs is just setting up a bias against analytic langs and not de-IE-ing things. Like word order really matters to non-IE langs too

I don't think the LAD can be disputed at this point. Kids acquire language instinctually and according to developmental patterns. Yeah there's some variation - VO and OV tend to get verbs in different orders, but frequency is intertwined with syntactic progression in a way that doesn't really feel like a challenge for MinX

"For approaches in the Chomskyan tradition, many syntactic phenomena require multiple, derivationally related representations, for example wh-displacement, free phrase and word order phenomena, and three-place predicates (binary-branching models only)." Why is this a criticism? It's good science if your theory can explain multiple things at once. Sometimes you run into weak and strong confinement, but usually you get quark theory. Or is this not a criticism?

Related to the above the reason phonological nulls are ok with me now is that the little bit of parsimony it sacrifices buys soooo much explanatory power.

I don't really believe that traces have to be physically timeable but I hear often via more cogsci guys that they just empircally exist

So DP predicates, ok. But in languages with DP predicates typically the auxiliary copula appears where a verb should be; when tensed, the tense elements tend to appear where such an auxiliary copula should be. Why do these tense features not simply attach themselves to the predicator? Why does Russian need to get out a byt or whatever they do when they could just attach -ela to the DP? Maria ne koshka, Maria ne byt koshka, Maria ne yest krys, Maria ne yela krys, *Maria ne koshkela

The DetP argument runs into a thing where it seems to me necessary that RRG posits NPs (no overt DP), DPs (no overt NPs), and D-N-Ps (both overt) whereas with null you get one kind of phrase (DP from a functional/constituency perspective, NP from a semantic/dependency perspective) . I don't think this is a problem for RRG, but it feels needlessly enrichening. That is I feel like it will overpredict very surface-level different approaches for the three phrase types whereas it seems to me langs just want their one DP phrase structure.

You don't need to posit bata child N and bata be a child V if you have zero copula I mean

Concerns aside, I do think it's an issue that MinX separates syntax, phonology, and semantics. And I like that RRG tries to marry... some of them, I guess. But I feel like something is wrong, like, mixed aphasia is getting lost again.

wh in situ is associated with SOV, huh. neat

Got my paws on a copy of the Role and Reference Textbook that just came out of cambridge press

I want to go through it and contrast it with Minimalism, so I guess here's a thread. RRG to block it

[vyneyard]

love's arrows

a study on love at first sight and how it relates to vyn's character

first things first, we have to get a major misconception out of the way. yes, vyn believes in love at first sight, he says so himself, right in the first level of the second episode of his personal story. one of his students asks him about it, and vyn spells out his exact thoughts on it. i will quote precisely what he says:

context - vyn explains love at first sight from a psychologist's point of view to his student, making it sound akin to an illusion

student: falling for an illusion... is love real then?

vyn: love is an emotion that cannot be quantified and measured. what matters is what you truly feel. when passion fades away, you will know true love if you still want to be with that person.

student: professor, do you believe in love at first sight?

vyn: personally? yes, i do believe in love at first sight.

student: really? i thought someone as rational as you wouldn't believe in such an... illusion.

vyn: being an illusion or not does not mean it should be discredited and dismissed. also, feelings of love are not rational to begin with. i am only human as well. however... when it happens to me, i would step back to make assessments instead of jumping at the chance. it is worth the wait to see if everything is really just a mirage, or is indeed real.

student: there's a way to find out? can you tell me how?

vyn: it is nothing hard. all you need to do is take the time to observe. observe their attitude and views regarding certain things, especially life-concerning matters. one's reactions more or less tell of their true character.

now that we are all on the same page, we can clearly tell the meaning of vyn's words. what he declares in this dialogue is his entire love philosophy - it describes the way in which he relates to love and to mc in very direct and bold terms, laid out for the player to see. not only does vyn believe in love at first sight, but he also has a plan in regards to how he is going to handle his newfound feelings of adoration. the reason why he keeps questioning mc's principles and beliefs, why he is interested in her hobbies and opinions, why he invites her to spend time with him, be it at art galleries, polo matches or merely in the comfort of his own home; it is all because he wants to get to know her, and he wants her to know him as well, in order to establish whether a relationship would be beneficial to both of them.

vyn richter is an analytical and rational man, that much is true. he is a perfectionist, seeking knowledge and reassurance in the world of facts. he appreciates when things are certain, and he lives his life with the need to be aware of every possible outcome, at any given time. however, this does not mean that he is not in touch with his feelings, or that he does not believe in love - i believe that a bunch of players do not notice this about him, believing instead that he only relies on science and reason. truthfully, vyn is perhaps the most introspective out of the entire cast of characters - he conducts psychological reports on himself in order to be aware of his current state and feelings, after all.

the next question would be "what made vyn fall for mc?", which has a quite simple answer. after the conversation with his student, vyn has a flashback to his first meeting with mc, back when he challenged her to remove a card from the house of cards, without having it collapse. after she expectedly fails, he asks a simple question: whether she would have still tried to remove a card, after having known the outcome. much to his surprise (or delight, rather), mc responds like so:

mc: the only constant in the world is change. and so, so what if i knew that the cards would collapse? i could always pick a different card. maybe the outcome would change. even if i drew the same card again, the outcome might be different depending on how i remove the card, right? i believe that we shape our own fates.

mc's words moved vyn at the time, and they still do, especially her last remark. this paragraph will contain spoilers for vyn's backstory, so in case you are not aware of his origins, and do not wish to know before finding out yourself, i suggest skipping this section. the ability to shape one's own destiny is something vyn longs for. having been born in a royal family, his life had been laid out in front of him before he even had the chance to choose for himself. although he left the Kingdom of Svart, and supposedly cut ties with his family, vyn is still plagued by the thought that he has no control over his fate. when mc reassures him that she believes in change, she believes in the power of choice, vyn is awestruck. it is all he has ever longed for: a person who would understand his stance and his hardships.

the wish to be known is what starts burning under vyn's ribs that day - the possibility that someone might be able to grasp all of his intricacies and beliefs is laid out right in front of him, materialised in the form of mc. and so, he falls. hard.

then why is he so hesitant? another question with a fairly simple answer. vyn believes in love at first sight, and even has an optimistic and idealistic view on love:

vyn: love brings light and hope into your life. love lifts you up. true love can come at any time, even without you knowing.

the next paragraph will contain slight spoilers for vyn's relationship with his father. they are not as grand as the previous ones, but if you still do not wish to know before experiencing the story yourself, i suggest skipping. if vyn has such sweet and bright perspectives on love, and if he has such a well-crafted plan for approaching mc, why is he so uncertain sometimes? because he is scared, and it has to do with his family. his father had gone through the same thing - he fell in love at first sight with a woman, and yet their relationship fell apart. vyn observed this, and he kept witnessing his father's regret and shame throughout the years. he does not wish to go through the same tragedy, so he desperately fights against following his father's steps. when he falls for mc, the fear of losing her, of ending up alone, scarred and sorrowful, makes him reluctant. even so, her words of encouragement, her belief that one can craft their own fate, push him forward.

he becomes more confident over time, wishing to make her fall for him. his possessiveness has roots in those same feelings: vyn does not want to lose mc when he barely started gaining a grasp on her. so he becomes jealous whenever a threat, as small or irrelevant, appears. he becomes grumpy, angry, cold whenever another man shows the slightest hint of interest, not because he thinks that he owns mc, but because he wishes to be with her, to be the only one she sees, in the same way she is the only one he cares about. so he fights - he fearlessly fights for his chances with her, he defends her in front of everybody, he learns new things and skills just for her, for a sliver of her affection and attention.

in conclusion, vyn loves mc carefully, with studied steps. he never takes reckless decisions when it comes to her, because since the first moment he saw her, she became the light in his eyes, the only one worth all the effort. it is either her or nothing, and vyn is not going to risk his chances - not after witnessing his father's destiny. vyn will be different; he will be better. all for mc.

[legionofpotatoes]

I love your art, it is very detailed in a neat way. Was wondering how you got started making it as a source of income? How did you get your first paid work, I'd love some advice on how to get started, if that's ok

Thank you. Of course it's okay, although I doubt I have enough work experience in art to really delve into this. I only went full freelance this year, and had been juggling art as a side hobby until then. If you're still interested in my somewhat narrow perspective, and are okay with my long-winded rambles, I'll give it a shot:

So to answer your question fully, I'll describe how I started and move into personal advice and learnings later on. As a disclaimer, I am a white cishet dude in my late twenties with a moderate cocktail of mental illnesses, but overall I can pass for a functioning adult so a lot I have to say may come laced with privilege I cannot fully identify.

So uhh I began drawing in around 2012? I think? Maybe halfway through 2011? And I mostly made fanart for things I enjoyed and tried to branch out in communities that felt nourishing to my style and interests (I caught a bug for alt posters and enjoyed mainstream movies so I spent a long time on posterspy early on). There were a handful of opportunities that came from there but I could only accept a couple because of primary workplace commitments. Still, it showed that networking in a focused community was definitely a good place to start; I myself have huge trouble committing to social networks and really staying socially active, but I knew it was an essential ingredient in succeeding so I tried to make myself be involved in challenges and art support trains etc. as much as I could.

In parallel to all that I also ran a few third party online stores (redbubble, teepublic) for disposable income and would sometimes, if rarely, hit around $100-150 a month from those sources combined. It is a sort of thing that requires helper accounts on other social media sites to promote it on, because the stores themselves have a huge volume of content that translates into low organic discoverability. Obviously it was never gonna be the way towards financial independence through art, and with community projects being few and far between, I opened private commissions in around uhhh 2017 I think, focusing on offering a few styles I knew I could do well, and sometimes operating in individual fandoms (it was mostly a bioware thing to be frank). But I had to close them back down after a year or so, again because of work-life conflict and how badly it was burning me out. The reason I kept trying to monetize this hobby is because I honestly hated what I did for my main job and wanted to see a way out in some shape or form in the future.

And then in 2020 I had to quit my main job altogether because of *gestures at pandemic* and deal with a mental breakdown from all the wonderful things it did to us and me specifically. I took a short break and decided to give art a shot full-time, and that was around May this year. I was planning on opening up commissions again (and I still am), but a few sudden opportunities that fell in my lap moved that timetable down and now I'm grateful to even be doing something I am getting adequately paid for.

So, with that somewhat limited perspective, here's what I've learned that I'd tell myself if I was just starting out:

1. Being a fan of something can be a shortcut towards effective networking kickoffs. Which are important evidently. If you love something and enjoy making content for it, join communities, settle into a combination of social media websites that feel right for those interests + your body of work + your inner rhythm, and try to play to content discovery as much as your mental health allows you to. Like I said, I know that I myself am incredibly bad at self-motivating to talk to people, so I found that synergizing common interests into fanart - which I enjoyed making anyway - could be a way to give myself a gentle nudge forward and build those bridges leading to community activities, which then net experience and coverage. Sometimes even freelance projects from official avenues. Again; picking the right spaces for what you're after is key. Companies roam twitter, concept art recruiters scour artstation or linkedin etc, instagram can land you private commissions and collab opportunities, so on and so forth. Find your niche and try to kick up dust. However...

2. I do not believe that any social profile can replace a good portfolio. The thing that made an immediate difference to me this year was building a coherent, simple website with my best work front and center and a contact form on top. Every single opportunity I got came from that form (maybe via twitter or instagram initially, but always sealing the decision after going through the website), so I firmly believe that showcasing your skills and portfolio in a visually arresting and user-friendly way is a big priority. I had some reservations about tackling that task but fortunately I had help from a savvy life partner and we slapped it together via wordpress in less than a day. Twitter/whatever social media is prevalent in your target groups is definitely important to get the right eyes on your shit, yes, but those eyes will then look for a second stop where your work and rates are more clear and concise. Simplicity is key imo, I cannot overstate this. So make a cute, simple portfolio!

3. Your skills and rates will grow and change as you do. Let them. Over the years I built several lasting professional relationships from my obsession over mass effect and kept getting opportunities both from bioware and their partner companies, some small and some a bit bigger. A one-off job earlier this year opened an unexpected door to another much larger commitment, and then the work I did there brought some attention from small businesses looking for commercial commissions. These were all incredibly different projects in terms of scope and budget, and I've been tackling them all on a case-by-case basis and slowly coming into my own irt my needs, rates, and SOW thresholds. It is still a work in progress (and a LOT of literal work as well), and very much a thing I struggle with in publicly marketing, which is why I felt a tad underqualified to answer your question in the first place (obviously I did not let that stop me). But what it means for me now is that I am rapidly developing into whatever my "version" of a functioning freelance artist is, and when the conditions for that guy are met, I need to be able to confidently plant myself and operate from that space despite past precedents. Do not let anyone bully you into downpricing what you yourself perceive as legitimate products of personal growth and development. Speaking of which...

4. The shitty challenge of turning envy into inspiration, and paddling outside your comfort zones in full riot gear. it is hard, but realizing that being a miserable, self-hating artist in my early days got me nothing but more misery back was the first real step I took and what truly blew the hinges off. I was just not pleasant to be around, I would badmouth my work all the time, and it all somehow made sense in my broken mind because the validation I sought was purely external and the way I sought it was through eliciting sympathy via self-victimization (even when I made something objectively nice). It all led fucking nowhere. Except perhaps to my own narcissism that I one day managed to identify and start managing. So I started looking at things that made me seethe with envy and calmly deconstruct and figure out their inner workings instead, do studies, and find nuggets of inspiration or discover new ways to approach rendering or building up specific elements. It was an application of analytical diligence to what I wanted to be a purely emotional, esoteric workflow, but that I deep down knew wasn't. Art is a discipline and a skill, and maybe it isn't a straight line, but you gotta find some line to thread nevertheless. Being self-hating was almost an identity I had to break out of, and despite it still being like, 4-5% there? I realize its cause and effect on me, my work, and those around me, so it is with a conscious choice that I gently set it aside when I work and especially when I learn. It won't always stay quiet, but the effort is the difference. Your doors towards accepting true growth and venturing into uncharted territories, art styles, and networking will really open from there. But there's a huge caveat...

5. Toolsets, accessibility, privilege, and all the good things that enable artistic expression and profitability are not given equal to all. you might do all the mental work I mentioned to be ready to rock and roll and learn and draw your way out of anything, but digital art is a fucking money pit that asks almost too much at times. I don't got a good case study here but identifying and ensuring accessibility to the tools you need to do your best work is, like, super important. The ergonomics can improve as you make money and settle into the job, but the basics have to be made available to you. And some of that might not even be under your direct control. That can be anything from pen tablets to software subscriptions to opportunities in hiring sullied by sexism or what have you. You gotta navigate all that through careful networking and money/time management. I don't do a good job of devoting specific slices of time to work/study, and my primary clutch is iPad software which went from a good deal to a nightmare scenario over the years. So all I can say here is do what I didn't; network, invest in a PC/tablet, and pick a software you'll learn that won't burn a hole in your pocket.

6. Be nice to work with? This one is hard to articulate and has landed my own ass in hot water in my early years because of how socially inept I am, but nothing is more worthwhile than being.. like. a good person to work with. That can be anything like meeting deadlines, or sometimes missing them but eloquently articulating why, being generous in early stages, being communicable and not too wordy in your emails, having a good grasp on abstract artistic concepts and how to describe them in simple terms, having a clear, laid out framework of your working rates in commercial and non-commercial projects and sticking to those guns with grace, understanding when you need to say no and saying it well, the works. Just being nice. Sometimes that might mean going headstrong with something you believe in, or simmering down and sucking up to the big man, all relative and adaptive. Part and parcel of the service provision dance that we all have to do in order to make bank. Know your lines here, obviously, and don't like. work for nazis. or uh.. *shudders* exposure. but be nice and empathetic and communicable and word will travel eventually. Skill may be in abundance these days, but good people are most certainly not, and capitalism has a way of bubbling up scarcity. Grim, but uh, them's the breaks.

I know I'm ultimately telling you to like. Have a body of work, make a portfolio, grow, and network. But that's really how I see it for now. And being nice can be a cherry on top that sets you apart, along with the inherent irreplaceable voice of your artwork. I think I rambled on enough, but if there is something specific you need my help with, even if you want to come off anon and talk in private, please feel free.

[beewolfwrites]

The Oar in the Sand - Chapter Four: Guessing Games

@cheshiya @tenseoyong @szallejhscorner @something-more-original-please @ofsunsetsandpoetries @nek0dzuken @allozaur @serenzippity

I’m sorry if there’s any typos or mistakes in this. Some chapters are just harder to write, and I end up repeating words over and over haha. If you spot any, do let me know! 

As always, I’ll leave the AO3 link here. And I hope you like it! 

--------------------------------------------------

The Latin alphabet.

The message could be written in any language from English to Spanish, Czech or even Latin itself.

It could mean anything.

Unlike An, Headband or Pigtails, I had the advantage, and I could still save us. Except I had no idea where to start, and the steady pressure of the game was already settling on my shoulders like a thick fog.  

The Queen was smiling at me from the other gallows. I understood now, the way her eyes had lingered on me back in the reception. She probably hadn’t accounted for a foreigner to be here – after all, her game was intrinsically designed for native Japanese speakers. And yet that smile, the way the corners of her eyes crinkled ever so slightly; she was still confident.

And she should be. She already knows I can’t read morse code.

‘I don’t mean to rush you,’ said Pigtails, ‘but do you think you’ll be able to decode some of it?’ Her previous hope had wilted away, and she was now watching me with apprehension.

The message glared at me from the screen, nonsensical and confusing. The dots and dashes were swarming, melting into one dotted mass that darkened the room. My arms and legs felt detached, swinging from this noose like a doll. So many people had died. The teenage girl, the business man, Pink Scrunchie, countless players accused of being witches... I wasn’t able to save any of them.

And now, four more lives would be added to the list.

‘Stop panicking.’

I jumped at the sharpness of An’s voice. The dots and dashes returned to their screen. My hands and legs were still intact, still moving.

‘Take a deep breath and focus,’ she instructed.

Swallowing, I breathed in and out shakily. My chest felt hollow, and at the same time, it was crawling with jitters. ‘How can you be so calm? 何を知っている分からない.’ I don’t know what I’m doing.

‘Yes, you do. Chishiya brought you to the Beach for a reason.’

Chishiya?

That was why she trusted me?

I couldn’t hold back a bitter laugh; no matter how much I loved him, what he did at the Beach, the way he had almost betrayed me, it was still painful to think about.

‘違う.’ You’re wrong. I didn’t exactly have the vocabulary to explain properly, but I was sure they’d get the gist. ‘苣屋は私を使ってトランプの盗むしていた. それが唯一の理由だった.’ Chishiya was using me to steal the cards. That was the only reason.

An’s lips parted in surprise. Headband and Pigtails were whispering in low voices. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but from their tones it was clear they didn’t think too highly of Chishiya.

‘So that’s what really happened,’ An muttered, filling in the rest of the blanks herself. ‘It was hard to believe Arisu could be capable of doing something like that.’ She shook her head slowly, processing the new information. ‘I suppose it no longer matters, since the Beach is gone now. But Chishiya still made a good decision bringing you to us. I’ve heard about your games, and I believe you’re more capable than you think.’

I remembered my conversation with Chishiya the day before the second stage, when he told me I would be good at Diamonds. Back then, he was wrong. Just looking at the dots and dashes on the screen, I knew this game was beyond me. And yet, it would be nothing more than a simple brainteaser for someone like him.

I wonder, what would he do? How would he approach this game?

I tried to picture his response to a morse code message. I tried to imagine his methods of breaking it down logically. But even so, it was impossible to understand how his brain worked. He was totally different to me. He was rational and analytical, able to uncover a solution to even the most complex situations. All I could do was notice things. I wasn’t Chishiya, nor would I ever be. And right now, was he wandering the streets looking for me? Probably not. Knowing him, he might have even gone straight to the Jack of Diamonds venue.  

No. That can’t be true.

He cared. I knew that. I’d felt his fingers playing with my hair whenever I drifted in and out of sleep during the night. I’d witnessed that unreadable expression of his when he first saw the bruises Niragi left. I’d felt his hands tearing me away from the balcony edge when...

‘If we were in a game together, and say, someone pointed a gun at me, would you do that? As in, would you stand back and watch?’

‘I don’t know.’

My vision glassed over at the memory. Chishiya, you...

You liar.

I rubbed away the tears and tried to hold my chin up higher. ‘みんな、ごめんね. 今大丈夫.’ I’m sorry everyone. It’s okay now.

There were only fifty-two minutes left. The Queen, who had remained silent this whole time, was watching on with a vague, academic intrigue. Despite the pristine neatness of her olive suit and her black shoes, she was relaxed, raising her delicate eyebrows as I looked at her squarely.

‘You said before that you might be able to answer some of our questions, so I want to make a deal.’

‘What kind of deal?’ Her eyes glinted as if I’d just proposed a new game – as if I’d made this even more fun for her.

The drawing of the gallows was still waiting, empty, on the second screen. ‘If we figure out this message and clear the game, you have to answer my questions.’

She took the time to consider it. ‘I suppose that’s fair,’ she said. ‘One of us will die here, so it hardly matters anymore. It’s a deal.’

I’d said those same words to Chishiya, and I had no intention of breaking our promise here in this library. With a little more confidence now, I analysed the coded message closely. Normally in a game of Hangman, vowels were a first choice because of how often they were used. But we could only pick two.

What’s the most used vowel in the Latin alphabet?

Most people would assume it was A, but if I had to make a guess, I’d probably say E. Lots of languages with a Latin alphabet, like French, Spanish and Italian, used words like el, es, e, and est. But if E was the most common vowel, would that make it too obvious a choice?

I chanced a look at the Queen. She was smiling, not in a manipulative or secretive way, but as if she was quietly supporting us from the sidelines. It was peculiar. There was a chance she had purposely avoided E because of how often it was used, and I wouldn’t put it past her – she was still alive for a reason.

So what’s the second most common?

U was a no-go. Out of all the vowels it was definitely the least popular. A would be far too obvious as well. It would have to be a gamble between I and O. There were just forty-eight minutes left, and there was no time to waste hesitating between them.

Pick one, pick one.

‘If it’s okay with everyone,’ I said, ‘I’m going to choose O.’

Pigtails and Headbands looked unsure, most likely because I kept switching languages accidentally. On the other hand, An was open to the idea, replying only with, ‘I trust you.’

I held my breath, transfixed by the dots and dashes before us.

A number of Os appeared, scattered throughout the message; two in the first line, three in the second, four in the third, and one in the fourth. The drawing of the empty gallows remained unchanged.

We did it!

Beside me, Headband exhaled a sigh of relief and murmured a subdued thank you. Much to my surprise, however, the Queen didn’t seem disheartened by our small victory. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she looked pleased for us.

‘A good choice to start with, I must say.’ She clasped her hands together, resting them against her blazer. ‘Unfortunately, you’ve used up one of your vowels, but you seem like smart girls. I’m sure you’ll do well.’

How could she be so happy?

‘Isn’t this a bad thing for you?’ I asked. ‘Aren’t you worried?’

‘Should I be? There’s no good or bad,’ she countered, ‘just two perspectives.’

She’s a gamemaster, isn’t she? She set up these games, and she’ll die here if we win.

‘But we’re your enemy...’

She smiled warmly once more. ‘I think you’ll find we’re on the same side.’

On the same side? I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense at all. ‘What do y—’

‘Don’t bother.’ An took off her sunglasses, openly assessing the Queen. ‘She’s intentionally wasting our time.’

She was right. The clock was now on forty-seven minutes, and the Queen seemed to be particularly skilled at raising more questions than she answered. I could interrogate her about all of this once we’d cleared the game – some things took priority. I focused my concentration on the code, trying to find some kind of hint or pattern there.

.-.   ..   -.   --. / .- / .-.   ..   -.   --. / O / .-.   o   ...   .   ...

.- / .--.   o   -.-.   -.-   .   - / ..-.   ..-   .-..   .-.. / o   ..-. / .--.   o   ...   ..   .   ...

.- / -   ..   ...   ....   o   o / .- / -   ..   ...   ....   o   o

.--   . / .-   .-..   .-.. / ..-.   .-   .-..   .-.. / -..   o   .--   -.

From what I could see, the O in the first line was capitalised. It was a standalone word – usually that would mean the word was either archaic, or it was in another language. But the Os in the third line were even more curious. The morse symbols repeated themselves twice, with the Os hinting at what could only be either onomatopoeia, or again, archaic terminology.

‘What do you think?’ Pigtails asked.

My eyes scanned the repetitions in the third line. There was something off about it. Words didn’t usually repeat themselves twice in a row like that... unless they were poetic. It would certainly explain why the O was alone in the top line, and why this message was carefully constructed with line breaks in the first place.

If it’s poetry, I might have heard it before.

Headband perked up suddenly. ‘What about going with the most common characters?’

By characters, she must’ve meant letters. I still didn’t know what language the message was in, so I could only use the letters I knew rather than those with accents. Although, playing Hangman as a child, there were always certain letters that wielded the best chance of success.

‘Let’s go with M,’ I said at last. There was usually at least one hiding somewhere. The four of us looked at the screen in anticipation. My fists clenched at my sides as I willed for an M to appear in the mix.

The screen changed.

The wrong screen. A circle appeared below the noose in the drawing. The hangman now had a head.

I could feel the others looking at me, aware that they had put their trusted me and I had let them down. ‘I’m sorry...’ I told them. ‘I’m sorry. ごめん.’

A hand lightly squeezed my shoulder. ‘It’s okay,’ Headband said. ‘We’ve still got more tries.’

Pigtails stepped as close as the noose would allow. ‘This was going to happen at some point. And at least now we know which characters aren’t there. It narrows down the possible words.’

There was silence from An. Perhaps she was disappointed in me, or even regretting her decision to let me captain this game. I wouldn’t blame her if that was the case. I felt the same way, only my regret was stained with guilt too. If I couldn’t save the three of them, at least I would die too. At least I would get what I deserved.

I glanced up at the timer. Forty-five minutes until someone gets sent to the gallows. I couldn’t let it be them.

I can’t lose control of myself like this.

‘You’ve used up one of your ten consonants,’ the Queen reminded us, steady and composed as always. ‘As a word of advice, relying on an age-old strategy doesn’t necessarily work.’

Every time the Queen opened her mouth, she only confused me more. And judging from An’s response, I wasn’t the only one to feel that way. ‘Why should we listen to your advice? Our failure is your win.’

‘Maybe you shouldn’t,’ the Queen replied. ‘But I’ll leave it up to you to decide.’

She didn’t sound like she was purposely trying to mislead us, but that in itself could be what made it so misleading. Most people tend to gravitate towards common letters when playing Hangman – is that what she meant by an ‘age-old-strategy’?

In that case...

I took a deep breath. Maybe this was worth the risk. ‘I think we should try doing the opposite,’ I stated. ‘I think we should choose an uncommon letter.’ Realising I’d slipped between languages yet again, I tried to remember the words in Japanese. ‘逆が試みよう.’ Let’s try the opposite. ‘レアの文字.’ An uncommon letter.

The Queen could have purposely avoided using popular ones to throw us off. But if I was wrong, was it worth losing a turn? The bodiless head dangled from its noose on the other screen.

Only six chances left.

‘It’s worth a shot,’ said An.

Pigtails peered at us from the end of the platform. ‘Are you sure? We don’t have that many chances of guessing.’

I understood her hesitation. It felt like we were gambling with our lives, and I was the one calling the shots. And it was even worse for her as she was placing her life in someone else’s hands. ‘I know, わかてる,’ I tried to reassure her. ‘If it doesn’t work, we can try a different approach.’

Headband was twiddling her fingers again, although there was a hardness in her posture. A resolve to win. ‘It won’t be a waste, because we’ll know then that it’s the wrong strategy. I trust you two.’

It felt good to know they had my back, even if my previous attempt at guessing hadn’t worked. Maybe things would take a turn for the better? I exhaled slowly, trying to assemble the most unlikely letters. Q was definitely a contender. Z was again, too obvious, but X was hardly ever used because there were fewer words you could make with it. It was probably the most unlikely letter to appear in a game of Hangman.

Forty-three minutes ticked down to forty-two.

‘X.’

We waited with bated breath. Headband played with her fingers. Pigtails chewed on her lip. An clutched her sunglasses in both hands, her eyes locked on the message before us.

Please... please.

‘Relying on an age-old strategy doesn’t necessarily work.’

A black line appeared beneath the hangman’s head, his new body dangling from the noose.  

[sourwormsaresour]

what are your thoughts on La Squadra's sexualities?

First off, Happy Pride Month! Please have a safe one. Before I start, I just want to let you guys know that I’m a straight cisgender woman so I’m not 100% knowledgeable on sexualities so these are based on my current knowledge of the community. I’m open to all head-canons about La Squadra’s sexualities besides my own :)

Sorbet and Gelato are gay, both using he/him pronouns, and are the most out compared to everyone in the team. Even though La Squadra knew about their relationships, the two themselves aren’t open about it outside of the team and their families. This is especially because relationships can be used against you in the crime world but also because their families rely on them to have a “good reputation” to live comfortably. I head-canon that they are both breadwinners of their families: Gelato has siblings that go to very conservative, academic institutions and rely on scholarships that look into family history for recommendations, and Sorbet’s mother requires medical attention from reputable doctors that also have homophobic biases that can be used against her. They’ve secretly used some of their money to help a street kid or two that they learned was disowned after being outed or assassinated a few people for hurting kids for being part of the LGBTQ+ community or even preying on them. The two men probably both went through phases where they thought they only liked women, tried to be in heterosexual relationships, and their enemies-to-lovers type of relationship had probably stemmed from their inability to properly process their attraction to each other at the time.

Formaggio is bisexual and prefers using he/him pronouns; he has a stronger attraction to women but is unaware that he’s attracted to men as well. A big part of why he’s so unaware or in denial of it came from his conservative upbringing in a working-class family and lack of representation growing up. Formaggio knew that men can be attracted to other men, but other aspects of the LGBTQ+ community is either unknown to him or seen in a negative perception; he’s learning more about the community and how to be a better ally, especially after meeting Sorbet and Gelato, but he’s still struggling to reverse the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments he grew up believing. As a result of his past, Formaggio assumed that one can only be attracted to one gender and never crossed his mind that people can be attracted to more than one. He often tries to hide his attraction to men via “straight guy who’s unaware he’s gay occasionally spits homophobic jokes and says ‘no homo’ every time he says "I love you" to his friends but he means full homo” approach.

Illuso is pansexual and gender fluid, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns most of the time but also likes using neo-pronouns and occasionally prefers to use she/her pronouns. As a former intern for a fashion designer before he joined La Squadra, he’s relatively more exposed to meeting different people in the LGBTQ+ community through fashion; those who were higher in status and power would be more out about it than those in lower ranking and the community was a huge source for avant-garde, counter-culture influences. Despite getting more inspiration for his designs from his interactions and developing his identity in the LGBTQ+ space, that also led to him witnessing discrimination, abuse, and powerplay caused by the higher-ups; some became victims simply because of rumors that they may be part of the LGBTQ+ community or being forcibly outed, some are forced into relationships in exchange for opportunities and privileges, etc. He remains closeted and part of his arrogance stems from him hiding his sexuality due to the trauma of enduring the abuse and witnessing it as well. La Squadra doesn’t know his sexuality or know that he’s genderfluid, but they’re fine with adapting to his pronouns whenever they change.  

Pesci is unaware that they’re gay and are non-binary that prefers they/them pronouns. Although they try to stick to he/him pronouns to avoid being out, they like using they/them more and get secretly happy when someone refers to them as such. I head-canon that they’re actually younger than Giorno when they encountered Team Bucciarati, which would explain why he never killed anyone up until this point (they’re a literal kid that’s slowly getting involved in the team when Sorbet and Gelato were killed, albeit they’re on the buffer side despite their age), and with their sheltered childhood and Prosciutto’s strict mentorship, they never got to sit down and think about their sexual and gender identity. They often try to pretend they’re a macho straight man alongside Formaggio but they end up feeling bad about it after trying to say a bad comment or joke to fit in. Pesci themselves feel like they’re alone in terms of the emotions of not being able to put your sexuality into words. It doesn’t help that they’re rather isolated compared to everyone except Risotto; they only knew La Squadra as their family ever since they joined the team and they never talk to anyone outside of the group.

Prosciutto is bisexual and genderfluid, preferring to identify with he/him pronouns, but he’s also the most closeted and probably has the most internalized homophobia as well. Growing up in the entertainment industry, especially in acting, means adhering to heteronormative standards; controversies of any kind would make or break a career and he constantly heard homophobic statements “disguised” as critiques around him from all levels of the entertainment industry. The fact that he was overworked up until his “career retirement” also didn’t give him the time to sit down and realize both his sexuality and how fucked up the film industry is in terms of its treatment towards the LGBTQ+ community. With his upbringing of being presentable and hiding his sexuality, he tries to present himself in the most Italian metrosexual straight machismo man he could and uses his “gentleman charms” towards women to avoid people from questioning further about his sexuality. But at the end of the day, he knows he’s lying to himself about his sexuality. And unfortunately, his anger at being unable to express that is often misdirected.

Melone is demi-sexual, though he presents himself as asexual and panromantic, and prefers using any pronouns. Like his teammates, he prefers using he/him for his safety. As a former scientist, he learned and got to know about the LGBTQ+ community through a more scientific perspective, but also knew there are hidden homophobic biases in the science community as well. Still, he does his best to be an ally for his peers before realizing he is demisexual and panromantic. His sexuality allows him to view the incubation and child-rearing aspect of his Stand without emotions or feelings involved and further explains how he views fornication and training his Juniors in a very scientific and analytical way without guilt taking over. Despite presenting himself as ace/straight (mostly for safety and because it’s easier to explain that he has no attraction to people than being a demisexual), I also see someone who yearns to have a strong emotional connection to someone and would give his all to the person he loves most. His overtly sexual nature is more of an act (I've heard that some aces tend to act overtly sexual, either to avoid being outed or as a result of growing up thinking that need to feel an attraction is necessary) and Melone secretly desires being attracted to someone he learns to trust, admire, and love over time. I have a backstory that plays into that but I might disclose it another time. ;)

Ghiaccio is on the same boat with Prosciutto in terms of having internalized homophobia due to his childhood career as a child athlete. At the time he was training to be an Olympic hopeful as a solo figure skater, Ghiaccio was born female and had to remain in the closet due to the conservative nature of the ice skating world and his step-father being notorious for his opinions favoring homophobia and sexism. Once he joined La Squadra, Ghiaccio began experimenting with himself and ultimately came out as transgender, presenting himself with he/him pronouns, and had been using testosterone ever since. Most members that joined after him only knew Ghiaccio as male while the other members are either indifferent about his gender or are involved in helping Ghiaccio transition to be male. Transitioning also helped him realized he was aromantic and gay, which provided him closure from the years of struggle he had trying to fit into the heteronormative expectations he thought he had to conform to when he was female. The effect of testosterone also explains his brash and short-tempered nature, although that stems more from him finally being able to express himself after years of repressing his emotions as a child.

Risotto is also aromantic and asexual, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns, although he doesn’t know that he is aro/ace, to begin with. Growing up, he never really cared when he heard his older relatives or adults making comments about how “he’d make a good husband” or “have the girls chase him”, because all he cared about was his family and friends. He just assumes that once he becomes a “big boy”, then he’ll have thoughts of wanting to get married like the fairytales say. Just let his future spouse have children with him in any way and he'll play the role of husband regardless. Since his cousin’s death, he gave up the idea of having any sexual or romantic interest in anyone. Why to go out of your way to find any relationship when they’ll be dead soon enough- that was Risotto’s logic. He’s not aware that he can define himself as aro/ace, he just assumes that the trauma he went through with his cousin’s death stops him from feeling any attraction and doesn’t make an effort to figure out why.  

[4ragon]

(Shit sorry I don’t know how to reply to replies so I’ll do it like this)

mics59

Gregory Edgeworth

Oh what can I possibly say about Gregory “Have I mentioned my son Miles yet here let me do it again” Edgeworth

No but I do like Gregory a lot! He doesn’t get the most screen time, but that entire section of AAI2 is one of my favorites in the entire series. Conceptually, I think that the whole parallel journey that him and Miles go on in that case is so good, just from a thematic level. He and Miles have walked entirely different paths in life, and yet so much of what makes Miles who he is is Gregory’s influence. He’s the one who instilled a sense of justice and honesty in him, even if good ol’ Manny v K tried to stamp it out of him.

Gregory Edgeworth is one of those characters that is able to change the world around him by being one of the most honest characters in AA. He’s not going on some massive character arc, he doesn’t need to learn some sort of lesson. He already knows who he is and what he needs to do. He’s a good guy, very straightforward and calm. He’s actually very charismatic and down to earth too, very modest and calm. Surprising, given the fact that he’s related to Walking Disaster Miles Edgeworth.

Also he just cares so much about his son! God, every single time he started talking about Miles it made me so fucking happy. Like, honestly? I think he’s probably the best parent in the Ace Attorney series. He cares about his son so much, is constantly thinking about how proud he is and how he wants his son to thrive and make friends and have fun. Like he was a stern guy, just given how he was with Raymond, but he was still very kind and patient with Raymond throughout the case, and I’m sure he was the same with Miles. I have a soft spot for single fathers of course, but he’s particularly great. It’s so sweet! It’s just a warm loving little family and it makes me so happy!!!!

Also I love all the little ways Miles and Gregory are similar to each other, it just really warms my heart. He and Miles both approach logic the same way, and I know on a meta level it’s just a game mechanic, but in-universe it’s just another thing that shows how similar they are. They’re very analytical people, even if they come at it in different ways, with different attitudes. 

Also Gregory really has that air of an old time-y detective, which is fucking hysterical given that it was what, 2000? The year 2000? I kept feeling like it should be the 70s or 80s, but it was a year before his death in 2001 and like. That was NOT that long ago (shut up I know it was still 20 years ago but STILL).

I have to admit, it is a little bit tough to analyze Gregory, considering he gets the least development of any of the defense attorneys in the series. He’s only in the one case, and while he and that case are bursting with personality, it’s still not a lot to go on. Plus, while he is a well rounded character, he’s pretty static in terms of character development. Still, from a writing perspective, I don’t think he particularly needs to! He’s the kind of character whose purpose is to be that rock for the people around him, who’s genuineness and honesty help the other characters become better people in the end. He is meant to be a counterpoint to Miles’s struggles with his own identity and sense of justice, and that’s just good writing baybeeeee.

Oh! Wait before I forget, someone did point out that the one time he was dishonest, it was him accusing Yanni Yogi of killing him, and I do think that’s really fascinating. The one thing that can make Gregory consider compromising his morals is protecting his son. And like, sure, maybe he did believe that Yogi killed him, but given how smart of a guy he was, there had to be some part of him that knew Miles could’ve been involved, even accidentally. I mean, I know in the anime (or that weird pachinko anime thing I can’t remember which) Gregory saw Miles with the gun, so he knew that there was a possibility.

(Oh also you said both Edgeworth AND Gregory Edgeworth, so I took that to mean you were clarifying. If not, let me know, I have plenty of thoughts about Miles.)

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hi, I just found your blog. And I actually haven’t read anything yet but I saw that you do crystal and star match ups and that is so niche and cool I haven’t come across that ever so I thought it warrants support.

I’m really excited to your works! I am actually interested to get a star match up if that’s possible for a new follower.

I’d like to ship myself with Kuroo as of lately that guy is the only guy I can’t get out of my head lol.

I read that the big three make up your personality but inner placements and planets: (Sun, Moon, Rising, Mercury, Venus, and Mars) have a bigger impact on your personality than the outer planets so I figured I’d offer that too.

My sun sign is Aquarius

Moon sign is Sagittarius

My ascending/rising sign is Libra

Mercury sign Pisces

Venus sign is Aquarius

And Mars sign is Aquarius.

𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣 𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕦𝕡 𝕎𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕂𝕦𝕣𝕠𝕠

𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑒𝑡𝑠 🪐

The Planets Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and the Planets Saturn and Uranus rule Aquarius.

Mars is a revolutionary, aggressive and spirited masculine energy, and Pluto enlightens these impulses and adds a rebirthing, cyclical quality.

Saturn is a cool, contained energy, and Uranus is about all things different and unusual.

Mars is emotional, reacting without thinking things through; such is the nature of Scorpio.

Saturn demands of Aquarius much hard work and discipline, while Uranus gives them that forward thinking mind.

A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an Aquarius in too tightly can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation.

Understanding Aquarians can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course.

𝐸𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠 🔥💧🍃🌬

Scorpio is a Water Sign, and Aquarius is an Air Sign.Air is about the intellect, so Aquarius tackles life as one chance to grow and explore after another, while Scorpio is more analytical.

Scorpio looks for purpose, and Aquarius seeks stimulation.

These love mates have trouble understanding one another’s origin of thought.

Confrontations arise is Scorpio’s possessiveness gets the better of them or if Aquarius seems too cool and flippant and denies Scorpio emotional reassurance.

Both need to learn that they view the world in different ways and they should celebrate and laugh at their differences.

𝑇𝑟𝑢𝑠𝑡 🤞

How on Earth is it possible for two honest and straightforward individuals such as Scorpio and Aquarius to have such a problem to trust each other?

The problem here shows its face when they get too close.

As soon as Scorpio starts to assume that Aquarius should be tamer and belong to them in a loving relationship, it will result in a forceful rebellion and the counterattack of their partner.

Things could really get out of control if any sort of manipulation takes place, and unspoken tendencies might tear them apart in a matter of minutes.

𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑢𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 🤝

For as long as they don’t give in to their stubborn, unmovable modes, these partners could have great conversations about all strange topics they can imagine.

None of them will want to have small talk or discuss their day at work. It is futile from their perspective, and although Scorpio likes to be in control of everything their partner does, it will be refreshing to talk to someone who says unusual things.

The biggest quality of their relationship is an incredible connection of depth and width in only one couple.

They will both have trouble understanding our society as it is, and have certain similar perspectives on anything out of the ordinary.

Scorpio exalts Aquarius’ ruler and this is why their relationship is the possibility for both of them to grow.

Not only will Scorpio adore the intellectual strength of their partner, but they will also help them understand the way their ideas might be realized through a feeling of ultimate possibility.

The weakest link in their relationship is their respect for each other, combined with their static natures.

We would think that both of these signs are in connection to change and they couldn’t possibly be static, but in fact, they are static in their way of change, and their biggest challenge is to stop for a minute and treasure what they’ve found in each other.

𝐸𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 😠😔😊

If love happens between them, the most typical scenario is for Scorpio to fall into an obsessive mess of feelings towards their uninterested Aquarius partner.

It takes a lot of work and commitment to reach the emotional core of Aquarius, and it is impossible to get there without spontaneity and trust.

Scorpio can be spontaneous in situations that are free of emotions, but will rarely let their love for someone be a part of a maybe-yes-maybe-no swing controlled by their partner.

Aquarius will rarely tolerate or be with someone who tries to make them be more stable and down to earth, or anyone who quenches their desire to be free.

As soon as they feel obligated to do anything, they will start pulling away and any emotion that might have been developing will suddenly be covered by the fear of commitment and the rut of everyday life.

If they want to reach emotional balance, Scorpio has to be untied, realize that their partner will never belong to them and that they are free to leave anytime.

They will have to understand that this relationship might end tomorrow and there is nothing they can do about it but accept it.

On the other hand, Aquarius will have to confront their emotional depth and be ready to make certain changes in their approach to romantic relationships, so they can steadily feel understand Scorpio’s emotional nature.

𝑉𝑎𝑙𝑢𝑒𝑠 🤲

They will both value excitement and change and this will be a strong meeting point for their characters.

Unfortunately, most of the other things they would value in their partner are completely different.

While Aquarius values free spirit, communication and independence, Scorpio values commitment and deep emotional connection.

𝑆ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝐴𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑡𝑦𝑠 💪

For as long as they stay out of their ego battle, they could find many things to do together.

They will both like to take risks of any kind and their best date could be anything from parachute jumping to a night out in a casino.

The best way for them to spend some quality time together is in some sort of intellectual activities and competitions, because this would allow them to manifest their possible hostility in a healthy way.

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦 💕

When Scorpio and Aquarius make a love match, it is a fusion of two very different life philosophies and many very different needs.

There is much chance for friction here.

Where Scorpio faces their inner emotional world directly and with an intense energy, thinking deeply about the more hidden undercurrents of life

Aquarius takes that same sort of energy and turns it outward.

With their unusual, idealistic and, above all else, very social outlook on life, Aquarius seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio.

Aquarius needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they’re always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know.

Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates.

This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want.

Both Scorpio and Aquarius can be uncooperative and opinionated: They like things to go their way, no questions asked!

For this love match, though, ‘their ways’ are very dissimilar. Scorpio is inquisitive, digging deeply into the hidden meaning of things, always asking questions and wanting to know where things are going and why.

Aquarius is progressive and affable yet does not enjoy detail. Scorpio may be enticed by their differences, as Aquarius shows them new, exterior worlds but may end up frustrated trying to get answers from this eccentric enigma.

Aquarius does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person.

But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an Aquarian might be able to give.

If Aquarius slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support.

[lesbeet]

I *love* yt essays that trash TV, movies, or influencer shills. Pls link to your favorites?

ok so the thing is i actually usually don’t watch those kinds of video essays unless it’s a piece of media that i already dislike, bc they usually end up ruining shit for me lol

like i’ll absolutely watch nuanced vids about a work as a whole, or about specific aspects that didn’t work, but i’ve found a lot of the time that the “[X PIECE OF MEDIA] SUCKS!” type of vids tend to exaggerate the problems for the sake of an INSANE TAKE DOWN! where they’re either incredibly stupid or they intentionally misunderstand things cinema sins-style just to have more things to feel superior about

that being said i do have a couple favorites - i’m not gonna link them bc i’m lazy but i’ll list them here (they shouldn’t be too difficult to find):

-i’ve already said i like big joel so i’m gonna recommend his hour-long takedown of adam sandler’s click if you have a ridiculous amount of free time on your hands bc it’s actually really funny and the movie is so much worse than i remembered from my Youth(TM)

-lindsey (lindsay? idk) ellis completely ruined rent for me, and it used to be one of my favorite musicals/movies, but her points are all legit and it actually is so bad both in how it was created and in the story

-jack saint is fantastic, i like a lot of his videos but the two i think fit what you’re looking for the best (of the ones i’ve seen anyway) are one about tim burton’s alice in wonderland, and one about how sky high is actually about eugenics (it sounds silly but he makes a good case for it tbh)

-deangelo wallace has some super long videos about big youtuber drama; i haven’t heard of most of them but the ones he did about like shane dawson and tati westbrook (i think that’s her name?) and jeffree star are well-researched and actually fairly nuanced

-there are a few good ones out there about how much black mirror season 5 sucks 

but yeah honestly i much prefer to watch like analysis/study videos that approach the work from a perspective of like “this is what they tried to do, this is what was successful about it, this is what wasn’t so successful” or honestly i really like ones that celebrate certain aspects of works i really enjoy bc it helps me parse out what specifically it is about them that i like so much, and how i can learn from them in a productive way in my own writing, for example

like i watched a great video i think last week about how amazing the editing in big little lies season 1 is, and it actually inspired me to go back and watch the show again for like. idk maybe the 5th time now? but i looked at it completely differently bc i was watching through a critical/analytical lens, noticing all the match cuts and other sorts of editing tricks and whatnot that i’d never noticed before

idk if this actually answered your question lksdfjlksjd but i hope it helps!

[ask-hunterxhunter]

Scenario question about the yandere adult trio: lets say the s/o and their captor did have sex(reason could be anything from them using it as a tool to escape or Stockholm syndrome) and they manage to escape. What would happen if it turns out that they're pregnant? Would they keep the child or abort it? How woukd the adult trio react to both situations if they ever found out about their pregnancy?

This is one of those delicate subjects that can get heated quite quickly, especially with the wrong kind of people (the “I’m Always Right and Won’t Consider Anything Else” group). I think whether the girl would keep the baby or go with abortion would depend on her.

All I can do is write the possible reactions of the Adult Trio to the three ways one could deal with this: Keeping the child, having the child and giving it to adoption, and aborting.

Illumi

The fact that you escaped at all is already an impressive feat considering the high security and precautions Illumi would place around you once he has kidnapped you. And regarding the sex, there is sadly also the option of you becoming pregnant due to Illumi forcing himself on you, which he might not see as a sexual violence, but rather as him showing his love to you (his thoughts can get that twisted) or thinking that since you’re married/you’re his, there is nothing wrong with this.

After he roams the mansion and its grounds in search of you, growing anxious as he can’t find you and no one else has seen you either, the realization comes: Somehow, you’ve left… His first reaction would be a momentary confusion as he honestly cannot understand this. Not only how you did it, but also why. Why do you keep rejecting him if he took you away from all your previous problems, kept you safe and would give you everything you could want? He is a Zoldyck, there is nothing he cannot give you, so your behaviour makes no sense from his analytical point of view.

He is absolutely unable to accept that you do not love him and that what he did to you is not love. And while he doesn’t comprehend those things to their extent, it also doesn’t even matter as much as him having you.

His next reaction, which comes immediately after he learns of your escape, is set out to get you back. And he won’t spare any sort of effort, sending his most trusted butlers to find you, going after you himself as well and even offering rewards for anyone who has any information about your whereabouts. This man will move Heaven and Hell in order to find you, with a determination that is frankly scary as it serves as a brief window to the level of his obsession.

His “mood” (if it can be called that) during this “mission” changes from angry and hurt to confused and sad, as he feels nothing is right if you’re not there with him (not that anyone would be able to tell) and, surprisingly, he will worry as to whether or not you’re alright. It is not enough to make him understand things from your perspective any better, though. Someone may try to point things out and explain the actual nature of his actions and it will be a waste of time since Illumi has his own twisted logic way of seeing and interpret everything. And it is not as if he doesn’t have some idea. Depending on the level of his obsession, Illumi might not be completely delusional but still believes he knows better, that you’ll love him eventually and that is it. After all, he did feel bad seeing you so unhappy at the Zoldyck estate and his reasoning remained that he could make you happy if you allowed him.

 You’re his. Nothing else matters.

 While he also thinks about the danger of you telling others about certain secrets of the Zoldyck family, this is actually a secondary issue (probably one of the rare times this happens) and there are times when he feels somewhat personally betrayed by your actions.

 You may be careful as much as you can. You may be taking every precaution necessary. You may have changed your name and everything you can.

 And then, one night you suddenly don’t feel safe… There is something amiss…

 You’re in your new home (for the time being, you’re smarter than staying for long in just one place regardless of your situation), just checking to make sure everything is fine… Until you shiver. Before you can tell whether this is your imagination or not, you hear his voice…

 He has found you.

 And it’s likely that the people who might have helped you are dead. And Illumi may also kill others, such as your friends and loved ones even if you didn’t get in contact with them. In his mind, this is not only punishment but by making so that you have no one except him is another way to prevent you from trying to leave again.

 If you’re still pregnant, Illumi would likely know about it even if you’re not showing it yet, picking up the slightest hints of your behaviour that something has happened. If enough time has passed so the baby could be from someone else, Illumi would demand to know the truth, the cold iron in his manners as he asks you enough to make you tremble.

 Not that you would be insane enough to lie about this, knowing how he would react.

 His first reaction is a mix of anger and confusion: What were you thinking, leaving like you did and while pregnant? What if something had happened? What if someone had tried to hurt you or “our child”? And how could you do this to him, not only abandoning him but taking his child away as well?

 What makes this even more frightening is how Illumi can make all those questions while giving so little emotional signals and keeping his voice as controlled as ever. And the few hints of emotions that seep into his aura are only noticeable because of the time you’ve spent with him, making everything all the more disturbing.

 His reaction will be the same if you already had the baby and decided to keep him/her. Against what you may say or do, Illumi will approach the crib (or you, if you’re holding the baby), wanting to see his child.

 And in both cases (well, maybe all of them), your reaction has little to no consequence. You may reach your limit and argue about what he did, even yell at him. You may be too frightened to move. You may stand between him and the crib or hold your baby close, motherly instincts stronger than any fear (which may confuse him). It doesn’t matter in the end, at least no more than your protests have ever mattered to Illumi and he will have the same answers of always to whatever you say.

 It doesn’t mean your actions will be simply ignored, of course. Illumi might decide to keep you locked in the room you share for a few months for running away (and even if he decides to not punish you physically, it doesn’t mean he won’t have other means) and he won’t like the fact that he missed some months of your pregnancy or, in the second case, the birth of his first child.

 But at this precise moment, he will be more focused on how he finally found you and that he is a father. He will hug you close (in the case of pregnancy, touch your belly), whispering the same honeyed poison, of how much he loves you and that now, you’re a family with a child.

 Oh, you shouldn’t cry. You shouldn’t worry. He will take care of you and “our child”.

 And here you go, back to the gilded cage Illumi made for you…

 In the event of you having the child and giving to adoption, the chances of Illumi never finding out are very low even if you were beyond careful and meticulous about the whole ordeal. You can hope, of course… After all, Kikyo has mentioned a few of the “methods” of the Zoldyck Clan when it comes down to raise children and looking at Illumi and his siblings, you can’t bear the idea of subjecting your baby to this life (or worse, risk him/her becoming like Illumi).

 And once Illumi finds you, all you can do is pray in your heart that your child will remain free, even if you won’t…

 And you better pray Illumi never finds out about the adoption as well.

 Since he’ll know about the pregnancy, you may try lying that you suffered a miscarriage or that the baby was stillborn. It’s risky, but if you’re good enough at displaying your pain at being taken by him and the memory of your baby as sorrow for actually losing it, Illumi may fall for it. Again, the chances are low, but they exist. He will be devasted and won’t be above using this as a subtle, guilt-inducing manipulation to try convincing you that you were wrong and shouldn’t ever try leaving him again and so on, but it will be better than him ever knowing the truth.

 The thought of your child being somewhere else, free and, hopefully, with a loving family is what may give you strength to endure being back to the Zoldyck’s home and having to bear with Illumi’s obsessive “love”.

 Should the truth ever come to light, however… Nothing good will come out of it.

 Illumi will be beyond furious that you not only kept this a secret but also actively tried to keep his child away. Once more, he may or may not resort to physical punishments, but he will have ways to make his displeasure known anyway and this man can be creative in his methods. There is no telling for how long this will last, but there will be much guilt-tripping, manipulation attempts and all the while he’ll be whispering how this is for your own good, he is merely teaching you…  

 Don’t worry… He still loves you.

 And he will find your child.

 And you know this is a promise he will fulfil. And if he has to kill those in charge of the orphanage or even the adoptive family, it won’t be anything that keeps him awake at night. It is his child, after all.

 There will be a time (night or day? After weeks, months? Maybe you don’t know anymore) when Illumi enters your (windowless) room carrying the baby and refusing to hand him/her to you for the first minutes, carving a new fear inside you. Depending on how angry he is, Illumi may not allow you to see the child for a while.

 But eventually, he allows you to hold it. And you know what Illumi must have done to get the baby back… And you know what he plans to do, you remember the vicious details you heard of the Zoldyck’s way of raising children…

 As Illumi smiles to you, saying how now his family is united, all you can do is swear to do your best to keep your baby safe…

 In the event of you deciding to abort… Then you should pray all the more that Illumi will never learn of this. If you thought he was “upset” with you for keeping the pregnancy hidden or furious at you for giving the baby away, it won’t be anything compared to how things will be if he ever learns that you aborted it. This has nothing to deal with any stance on the matter of abortion itself but rather the fact that not only you took such a decision without talking to him (not that he would have agreed) and that it was his child.

 It is hard to predict how he will deal with this. This may be enough for Illumi to kill you (many stalkers end up killing their victims, despite how much they claim/believe to love them) or his obsession might still be above it, making him still want to keep you, which doesn’t mean he won’t punish you. And this time, he may be determined to break whatever resistance you might still have if this is what it takes to make you stay and no longer entertaining a similar idea when you get pregnant again. It will take a long time for him to forgive you and as terrible as it sounds, perhaps you should act remorseful, docile, and loving for a while to make your life a little easier.

 He will use the abortion as ammunition for guilt-tripping during those times (and being good at manipulation like he is, regardless of your stance on the subject, he may very well succeed) as he works to have a better control over you.

 But with those thoughts, Illumi may decide to… “Fix” what you did by getting you pregnant again.

 Hisoka

While during the first hours Hisoka may face you escaping as a sort of half-amusing game and be satisfied to see you’re not losing that special spark of yours, it doesn’t mean he will wait much before going after you. And if you manage to elude him for long enough, believe me, said “game” will stop being fun quite soon.

 Cat-and-mouse game aside, this doesn’t mean he will take well to the fact that you escaped. As soon as he realizes what happened, his entire being will be mainly focused on getting you back, no matter what it takes. And while Hisoka remains (or appears to) as composed as ever, truth is, the more time passes the more anxious (for lack of a better term) he becomes. While he hunts you down, he will be mentally revising the methods he employed to keep you and perfecting them so you won’t have another chance, as well as planning how to teach you to never try this again.

 The specifics for how he decides to go with this will depend on his level of obsession and it can get pretty ugly for you, even if he is not at the point of wanting to completely break you into submission. Again, Hisoka likes that you’re still yourself and not a broken doll, but not that you got away.

 Disturbingly, Hisoka may also want to spoil you a bit (after he gets you back and it’s all over and done with), taking some time off the fights to stay with you. It’s like he wants to either make up for the days he wasn’t with you or wanting to show you through such actions how much he missed you. It’s (almost) not so different from the other times he acted like this.

 Hisoka is not one to simply give up or chance focus, so no matter how difficult it may seem to find you, he will not stop. This makes every little precaution you take valuable… Remember that when he wants something, he gets it and this is in a “normal” state of mind. After all, it shouldn’t be easy to find Chrollo, let alone join the Spiders, but he did. And you’ve already seen how he can be when you’re involved.

 You shouldn’t hope that the time apart will make Hisoka grow out of his yandere-ism. It won’t happen so easily (if ever), so you should know better than ever letting your guard down, no matter if it seems everything is fine for the moment. Your past experience with him may help a little with this point.

 Expecting him to regret what he did is more than hopeless: It is nonsense. He may even be already aware of the way he “dealt” with his “feelings” for you, but guess what? Hisoka doesn’t care. Not enough. Oh, he may genuinely want you to be happy and, as he searches for you, be also thinking of ways of making you see that being with him isn’t as bad as you believe and so on, but by the end of the day, he would rather have you unhappy with him than happy without him.  

 He’s already possessive normally. Add a yandere-state and, well…

 One to keep his actual emotions and thoughts to himself, no one can tell what he may be feeling during this time, no better than they would with Illumi (whom, speaking of which, he may contact and ask for a little “help” in finding you). Hisoka’s mood may change depending on what his mind if focusing at the moment… If he finds out exactly how you escaped (whether you just grabbed an opportunity or have been planning it carefully) he may admire your strategy, seeing it as proof that you’re indeed made for him, in a sense, only to become angered that it worked. He may lose his patience with how hard finding you is turning out to be, get somewhat upset (or as close as he can get of sad) as he misses you…  

 And if there is an opportunity of going “all-out” during a fight to let the steam out, you can bet it will be bloody and cruel. It will help to clear his mind a little, but in the end, it will do very little to actually calm him down for more than a few hours top. It’s not like it was when he was preparing to kidnap you and it may make him even more obsessed with you.

 And because you’ve spent enough time with Hisoka to get a better understanding of him than you ever wished for, you know how careful you have to be not only with keeping yourself under the radar but your… “Condition”, as well.

 So, change appearance, name, looks, constant moving… Everything that can be done in those situations, you do.

 Yet… You may wake up in the middle of the night by a certain, deliberate noise… Or come back home a little late and be assaulted by a strange feeling. As soon as you close the door, you know something is different… As much as not a single object has been touched or misplaced, the house in itself doesn’t feel the same… But by the time you stepped in, it was already too late.

 Because there is Hisoka, looking as if nothing had happened, almost as if he is simply a husband waiting for his wife.

 An act that would be more convincing act if it weren’t for his eyes.

 And at once you realize: He knows.

 You won’t ever be able to tell for how long he’s been stalking you (again) if he found out about the pregnancy because he saw you at the doctor or learnt about your exams, and really, does it even matter by this point?

 He will just approach you, asking with a smile how it was at the doctor (if you’re coming back home from a check-up) or if you don’t have something you would like to tell him, his tone at the same time cold and playful, the way he sometimes talk to his enemies when provoking them during a fight that he knows he’s already won. As if his presence alone wasn’t enough to make your blood run cold.

 And if enough time has passed that he might not be the father, Hisoka will ask for the truth (and might want to confirm it once the baby is born, anyway), though he may draw his own conclusions from observing you once he found you anyway.

 If you already had the baby, you may find Hisoka standing next to the crib, watching the child, or even holding it in his arms. And regardless if you react with protective fury or dread at the scene, Hisoka will simply give you that smile of his that means trouble while asking what is the problem of a father being near his child. It’s like he is trying to scare you on purpose (and it is a possibility, this being Hisoka after all).

 Fatherhood is not something Hisoka ever gave much thought about, as it always felt like something that is more likely to happen to others rather than him, but once he learns about it, he is strangely glad… And frankly, anxious for the birth/raise the baby. He is/going to be a father! You are/going to be parents!

 Shouldn’t you be happy as well?

 It should be noted once more that he’s happy about the pregnancy, not that you ran off and once he realizes he likes that he’s going to be a dad, he will be displeased that he missed the first months of pregnancy/life of the baby. And his happiness towards the whole ordeal is like the one of having you back: Twisted at its core. A part of him will see and use this as a chance to make you “understand” how you’re meant to be together and while he may not be at the point of objectifying you or the baby, he will make use of said opportunities offered by the situation.

 Don’t even try to lie that you got scared when you found out you were pregnant and this is why you left him (even if this might have played a role, albeit not in the sense that Hisoka may be inferring) if he asks. And don’t expect him to accept whatever reasoning you give him anyway, either. Not that it would surprise you much since by now, you must be used to how Hisoka doesn’t believe in the “if you love them, let them go” idea. He will just smile and say you should know how he can be… Possessive, right?

 Now, he would much rather prefer to not have to use his Bungee Gum to bring you along, but if you decide to play rough…

 Although he is likely to punish you (the method depending on how obsessed he is and how it is affecting him), Hisoka might not do anything related to the baby, like keeping it away from you and you won’t have to fear him hurting it (though it doesn’t mean you won’t worry anyway), but having him acting as if you’re indeed a happy family might be a torture in itself, especially when he suggests you shouldn’t be so sad. After all, you don’t want your child to worry, right?

 If you gave the baby up for adoption, Hisoka may never find out about it if you’re careful enough, keeping the whole pregnancy a secret or be convincing enough when lying that the baby was stillborn. And, frankly, it will be better this way in a sense. While he’ll take you with him again, at least you may take some solace in knowing your child won’t have to grow up in this sort of situation or with someone like Hisoka as a father.

 If he does find out about it… Well, things will get complicated.

 His emotions regarding the chance of fatherhood aside, the reasons why Hisoka won’t take this well might be more because you not only kept the pregnancy a secret but also outright lied about what happened to the baby. If he’s still unsure of what he thinks of being a father, then his reasons for searching for the child and bringing it back will be more out of selfish reasons than anything else.

 He might not even tell you that he’s searching for the baby, pretending to accept your words about not being ready to be a mother, thinking this was for the best, etc. (if he ever talked to you about it, rather than not reveal he knows you lied). He’ll just come to the hotel’s room (or wherever you’re staying for the moment) with the baby in his arms and a smile. Oh, dear, why do you seem so nervous? Aren’t you happy to be reunited with your child?

 If you decide to abort and Hisoka finds out about it… It is not easy to say exactly what would happen. Hisoka won’t like that you took a decision that should involve him as well (as if you running away wasn’t enough), but with you no longer pregnant and Hisoka having never given much thought about this sort of thing before, his reaction may not be too angry (such as Illumi’s for example) exactly because he wasn’t involved for starters, and didn’t know about it before. It may sound weird but it can be like learning about something that happened too long ago.

 The alternative is also possible: Hisoka may get furious and for more reasons than you doing this without him. While he won’t kill you for this, he will still make his displeasure known, so things will be complicated for you for a good time…

 Chrollo

 The moment Chrollo realizes you escaped, he will contact the Spiders that are with him (or close enough to wherever you both were staying) and order them to search for you. If they have a job that demands full attention (such as the York Shin case) and his presence is needed to get things done, he will stop it (he knows he wouldn’t be able to concentrate and would jeopardize the whole operation). If not, he will tell them to carry on without him and go after you by himself for now.

 While Chrollo keeps a certain line between his personal life and the Troupe (although it’s a very thin one since his life is basically the Spider and its goals), the other members would be warned about the situation and many of them would consider finding you their new mission, either out of loyalty to Chrollo or because they consider this a “breach of security” per say, since you’ve been living so close to their boss. Either way, you have not only Chrollo but also some members of the Troupe (if not all of them) hunting you down as well.

 As for Chrollo, he would focus all of his energies in finding you and bringing you back. While his general behaviour remains the same, there would be a fiery determination that would be quite creepy (if you were there to see it). Remember that he may be fully aware of his actions, but he reasons with himself that he doesn’t want to hurt you and that he can make you happy (besides, being who he is, his moral compass is seriously lacking), so while the leader of the Ryodan may admit that he understand why you escaped, it won’t make him accept he should leave you alone (even if you beg him once he finds you again). Especially after being with you for so long, so he will be thinking of means to teach you to not do this again and also how to perfect his methods of keeping you captive. If it means preventing you from running away again, he won’t care for what he has to do, even if he has to keep you inside a cage or something.

 Like Hisoka, Chrollo may also decide to spend extra time with you afterwards, even taking you to a nice restaurant for example, either as to celebrate having you with him again or as a means to show how much he missed you and how things could be better if you weren’t so stubborn. A twisted line of thought, but maybe not so surprising. Not when Chrollo, on top of being who he already is, becomes a yandere.

 Once he finds your trail, a single clue even, then nothing will stop him. As for you, it feels almost like deja-vu, a revival of back when you knew he was stalking you despite your attempts of getting away.

 You can go to the authorities and tell everything you know, asking for protection. And, due to the Spiders’ reputation, they would likely do everything in their power to keep you safe and yet, it might not be enough. You certainly feel so, having been close to the Troupe and having seen how relentless they can be. Especially Chrollo when it comes down to you… And of course, you have your condition to think about… Which he would find out either upon finding you or (more likely) as he searches for you.

 You might be in a safe house. You might have bodyguards. Top security all around you… And yet, your uncertainty won’t leave you alone… And it will not be unfounded, not when you suddenly wake up and the place is silent… But not a peaceful silence. You may pick a weapon; you may have prepared yourself for this eventuality…

 But when you see Chrollo in a room, bodies lying around and he smiles as he greets you…

 It’s hard to say if Chrollo has ever thought of having children with you (with his lifestyle, it wouldn’t be easy to raise them), but once he learns it has happened anyway, chances are he will be thrilled about it, once he gets over the initial surprise. He can think about the implications or how you’re going to raise the baby later. He will, however, be even more worried and anxious to get you back. The Spiders have many enemies and while he has kept you a secret, how can you be absolutely sure the Mafia wouldn’t have found out about you or the baby?

 Right when he encounters you, he seems to want to touch your belly (regardless if you’re already showing or not) or hold the baby (to your fear), giving a smile when you reject him and acting as if to comfort you. Oh, dear, don’ worry. Sure, he is “upset” with you, but that can wait. Right now, he is just relieved to finally have you again and seeing you’ll have/had his child.

 After all, you don’t think he would hurt his own son/daughter, do you?

 All the while, he may hold you close (the way he would do when he realized you were thinking about your “previous” life or ways of getting away), whispering how much he loves you and how he wishes you would understand it.

 His touch still makes your skin crawl.

 Just as Chrollo wouldn’t hesitate to kill the (possible) bodyguards you have with you (or whoever else is helping), he would also say that he did warn you about this and, therefore, those deaths are on your hands as much as his.

 Of course, being happy for the baby doesn’t mean he will just ignore your “bad behaviour” or how you “dealt” with the pregnancy. And as for punishments, it would depend on how “upset” he would be and also how much the obsession is affecting his behaviour. Since he’s not completely delusional, he might not be as cruel as Illumi for example, but he wouldn’t ignore your actions either.

 There, there, why are you so sad? You should know he’ll take care of his family.

 Giving the child to adoption might work well, but there is no telling what the chances are of Chrollo never finding out. It will be nearly impossible to hide the pregnancy from him (especially if Shalnark is still alive and manages to hack your medical files), so you’ll have to lie about a miscarriage or the baby being stillborn. He won’t use it to manipulate you and it’s better to deal with Chrollo grieving than having him trying to find the child because, believe me, he will.

 And it’s not something he will take well. Any “normal” reaction a person may have to this sort of thing aside, if Chrollo’s obsession is too deep he may fall in the “objectifying the person” category and, seeing you as a thing that belongs to him, it follows that the baby belongs to him as well. Despite being a thief, he doesn’t suffer for his things to be taken away (feel free to call him a hypocrite).

 It will mean an extra punishment for you. As if knowing Chrollo is going after the baby isn’t enough… You may try to prevent this by pointing out how his lifestyle is not one that allows you to properly raise a child, but it’s unlikely it will work.

 His methods to get the baby back are the same used to find you: Relentless and without a care for those he has to kill. And in a sense, this will make Chrollo even more determined to keep you (and the baby) with him. Having a child is bound to affect things, not only in the way one expects due to having a baby (under normal circumstances) but including his “security measures” as well: He will want to be absolutely sure you won’t be able to escape again. If he has to lay low for some months or always leave a member of the Troupe with you when he has a “job”, then so be it.

 The same lie regarding miscarriage or stillborn is also necessary in the event of an abortion. The normal displeasure one may feel when learning their “partner” took such a decision without talking to them will be present, but there is Chrollo’s yanderism to be taken into account.

 Whether or not he’s at the point of objectifying you or truly believe he loves you, the fact remains that he won’t just shrug this abortion off as if it’s nothing.

 If he never finds out, then it’s like it would be with the adoption: There will be grief, but it’s better than the alternative. Like in the other cases, the specifics of his reaction are related to how deep his obsession is and how it affects his behaviour, but there is no denying that Chrollo will be “disappointed”, even angry at you and it may interfere in how he treats you for a while. There is no guarantee he won’t be at the point of using this to try and manipulate you (regardless of where you stand in the matter of abortion, Chrollo will find a way to use this if he deems necessary).