#i tried my hand at at least implying some fighting and welp

[beevean]

Let Go

AU where Eggman’s base isn’t falling apart during the Sonic vs. Surge fight, but she is.

(or: Sonic actually being nice to Surge wasn’t included in her programming)

Warnings: sporadic swearing, violent thoughts, self-loathing/borderline suicidial thoughts.

I put all the changes from canon in the notes.

AO3 link: here.

 “You can’t let Sonic the Hedgehog roam free. He is a manipulative gaslighter, who has the whole world wrapped around his little finger. He will look down on you and pretend to feel sorry for you, but don’t be fooled: his only priority is himself and his amusement. He’ll pretend to offer choices to people, but he only wants them to do what he wants. He’s a hypocrite who has no respect for anyone. He’s not worthy to be called a ‘hero’. You have to stop him.”

“Wow, doc, this Sonic sure sounds like a jerk. Guess I have some competition, haha!”

~

“All I have is this! And ‘this’ is nothing! I’m nobody! I-I-I’m just a knockoff! Everything I want – that I think I want – is a lie!”

And yet it was that same lie that kept Surge going, the reason she didn’t jump off the first building she could find after finding out the truth about herself. (that, and she didn’t care to test just how enhanced her healing powers were.)

She had no idea who Sonic was, she could barely tell how he looked like. She only knew that he was a self-righteous bastard pretending to be a hero, and he was free to do as he pleased without a care in the world, and people worshipped him, and she wouldn’t be able to rest until she beat his life out of his stupid face.

Who cared if it was true or not? Did it matter if they were the artificial thoughts of a knockoff?

(The number on the doctor’s tape was burned in her brain: it took 232 sessions with that stupid Hypno Glove until she could say with confidence that she hated Sonic. Maybe she had always been stubborn, even before the platypus played with her braincells.)

Sonic deserved to feel the same pain and despair Surge was drowning in.

What did he do to deserve to be free and loved anyway?

~

SLAM!

The sound of Sonic’s spine hitting the metal fencing was music to her ears.

He groaned and rubbed his side. “Excuse me, and you would be…?”

Finally, she had him in her grasp. The cause of her pain. The idiot she was forced to resemble. Sonic the Hedgehog, looking as dumb as she imagined him.

“I’m Surge the Tenrec. And it’s all your fault I was made!” She pointed an electrified finger at him. “You useless excuse of a ‘hero’! Why didn’t you kill the doctor when you had the chance, huh? Too afraid of sullying your perfect little hands??”

Sonic just smiled, he smiled in her face, that arrogant little bastard. “Heh, that Eggman just refuses to die, no matter what I throw at him!” he quipped.

“Not him, I don’t care about him! The other one! Starlame!”

“Starline? The Eggman fanboy?” Sonic narrowed his eyes, daring to look confused. “I barely even met the guy! I thought he died under an avalanche he caused! How was I supposed to know that he’d come back and play mad scientist?”

“Then you were lazy!” she retorted without missing a beat. She knocked her fists together, making sparks fly in Sonic’s face. “Just roll over and let me replace you! I won’t be weak like you! Your speed of sound can’t compete with my speed of light!”

“Prove it,” he smirked.

A storm descended upon the battlefield.

~

Surge exploded. Every step, every jump, every Spin Dash rumbled like thunder, and was as bright as lightning. She was everywhere at the same time, she was power, she was fury.

Sonic, on the other hand, danced. Silent, effortless, focused, completely in his element, like a gust of wind you couldn’t see but you could feel on your skin. He dodged every attack of hers with such grace that it pissed her off. He wasn’t taking this seriously. He wasn’t taking her seriously. 

Of course. Surge wasted months racing in neatly prepared circuits, controlled environments. Sonic had been a hero in the real world for years. She may have been more powerful… but he had a better idea of what he was doing.

Sonic was the entire reason her life was torn apart. Surge was just yet another nuisance for him.

Oh, but she’ll show him, she will show him alright that she wasn’t to be underestimated! She would take that grin, and crack it, and fry his useless brain into mush

like mine was and what did i do to deserve it and if i can’t have my thoughts back then you shouldn’t be able to think at all

But for every punch Surge would throw at Sonic, he responded with a kick; their Spin forms clashed, sending sparks everywhere; her body would ache in waves, trying to heal as quickly as possible from the hits, while Sonic simply wiped the sweat off his brow.

“It’s been a while since I’ve fought like this! You’re pretty strong, lady!”

Was he having fun? Was he making fun of her??

“You wanna see strong? You ain’t seen nothing yet!” Surge yelled all the rage she had in her lungs, and lunged at him, electricity propelling and enveloping her. But before she could stop in her tracks, Sonic did a breakdancing move that ended with a kick that sent her in the air; before she could reorient himself, a strong blow to her head sent her face to the ground.

As if her head hadn’t been scrambled enough already…

Surge rose to her hands and knees, her vision swimming and pulsating.

“Geez, you can’t even take a compliment? Yeah, I get it, you hate me and want to destroy me.” That odious voice was now coming from above her. Surge lifted her head, and there he was, perched on rubble, arms tightly crossed on his chest and a neutral, almost bored expression. Look at him, looking down on her like she wasn’t even worth his time, just to rub it in her face that he was superior. Oh, how she wanted to climb there, drag him down by his quills and yank them out of his skull…

Sonic cocked his head on the side. “I don’t know what your deal is, but it seems like that Starline guy is the one who hurt you, right? But instead of going after him, you’re focusing on me, and I haven’t even done anything to you. Why? Usually people who have beef with me have been tricked…”

Why.

why why why why why

Surge hated that word, hated that question, she didn’t want to think, thinking led to pain and tears and her brain getting melted and reshaped…

Electricity crackled all over her, raising her fur. She rose to her feet and she cried the one truth she didn’t want to admit:

“I DON’T KNOW!!” 

The weight of her outburst hit her in the gut like one of Sonic’s kicks. She didn’t know what she was doing, she was hitting and punching and kicking and screaming because that was all she was good for, that was what she was designed for, and it wasn’t like she could know who she really was under all the robotics implanted in her and the code shoved in her brain and the trauma she was forced to forget.

“I want to kill you, I need to, it won’t– it won’t leave my head!” she sobbed - no she didn’t, she yelled, she was angry, just angry, that was the only emotion she could feel. “I don’t care about why anymore, I just know that I need to! I won’t be happy until I see you and that quack doctor dead! Then I’ll be free!”

Sonic raised his eyebrows.

“Free from what?”

“From… from… from you! From me! From whoever I am!”

“I don’t think it works like that.”

“Good thing I couldn’t care less about what you think!”

“That’s fair, but I still don’t understand.”

“Doesn’t matter. Shut up.”

“How do you know…” 

“Shut up!”

“... that taking me out would make you happy? I know a guy who had thoughts put into his head – let me guess, Starline did the same to you, right? That's why you’re out for his blood.” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t blame you: that’s disgusting.” 

Surge stared at him, stunned despite her will. Huh, maybe he wasn’t a complete moron. 

Sonic hopped from the rock, almost… crestfallen? “Listening to those fake thoughts... would only lead to fake happiness and freedom,” he said in a soft tone. “That sounds sadder than whatever you’re feeling right now.”

Those simple words crushed Surge.

Would she never be happy?

Was she destined to stay like that? Broken and useless and angry at everything and nothing? Until she died, assuming that she could?

No don’t listen to him, he just– he just–

He scratched his nose and looked to the side. “I don't have a solution for your problem, but maybe you should try to find yourself again – or reinvent yourself! You know that you don’t really want what you think you want, so—”

“SHUT UP!!!”

Thunder and lightning rained all around her, and squashed her stupid thoughts; no time to mope, she wouldn’t leave that room until Sonic was left rotting in a corner. She jumped and kicked at him; Sonic sighed, took her leg and swung her on the ground.

“Orrrr we could keep this up all day. Your choice.”

Surge rose again, blinded with rage, only Sonic in her sight.

I hate you I hate you I hate you, I will never stop hating you, this is me now

this is all I have left

i won’t let it be taken away from me

~

Good thing the doctor didn’t install vertigo in her brain, because had she been a normal person, the pitch black of the pit she was dangling over would have made her sick.

This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t lose in such a pathetic way before grinding the heads of the idiots who took everything from her! If only she could reach the edge of the pit… but it was too high up, and the metal slid off her fingertips…

“Surge!” 

Oh, fuck no. Not him!

The blue loser appeared in her vision, eyes wide like saucers. He looked ridiculous.

“Take my hand, quick!”

What? “No!” She waved her own electrified hand. “Do you think I’m this dumb?”

“Surge, I’m not going to hurt you, I want to help you!”

“I don’t care! Get it through your thick skull – I don’t want your help!”

“You’re going to die!”

“So what? What, aren’t you going to give me the freedom to die like the good hero you are?” she sneered. Hypocrite.

Something resembling a frown passed onto Sonic’s face, yes go away, give up, give up for once, give up on me like everyone did

But instead he pushed himself further, stretching his arm like he wanted to tear it off his body. What was he doing?

My life isn’t worth this much effort.

She laughed, her voice coming off shriller than she wanted. “If-if you rescue me like I’m some sort of princess, I’ll… I’ll beat you so hard that your little friend won’t be able to recognize you. You can stick your ‘mercy’ up your ass. You hear me?” She made sure to show her fangs for good measure.

Sonic just looked at her, then shrugged. He was even dumber than she thought.

“Almost… there…”

His whole body was almost upside down, and Surge wanted to step back, she couldn’t have him so close to her, but her fingers were already getting sore around the metal girder and she couldn’t move a muscle.

“You dumbass!” she shouted. “You’re about to fall! And for what? Don’t you dare die in this lame way, I have to be the one putting you in your grave!”

He was ignoring her now, how he wasn’t toppling over she had no idea, his fingers were now too close to hers, almost brushing hers, she couldn’t move…

no don’t touch me

get away from me

if you do

if you go all this way for me

i’d rather

Sonic grabbed her hand.

“I gotcha!” he grinned.

ZAP!

A yelp, and Surge was let go.

“Last hit, I win,” she mumbled, before falling down.

Her name almost reached her before the bellowing of the wind drowned everything.

Surge felt numb, only vaguely aware of her clothes and quills fluttering all around her. Heh, guess she’d discover soon the extent of her regenerative powers. Nothing to worry about. If she survived, she’d decide what to do next; if she didn’t, welp, nothing of value would be lost.

Her throat hurt. She comforted herself remembering the horror that she managed to glimpse on the faker boy’s face. Yes! She made him suffer, just a little, like he deserved.

why does he?

It didn’t matter. His pain made her a little happier and that was what counted.

She blinked rapidly. Why was her vision so blurry?

What are you doing? Stop it! Sonic isn’t a crybaby, is he? And I’m better than him!

Her confused thoughts circled back to the only truth in her fake mind: it was all his fault. That good-for-nothing, pathetic, self-absorbed, egomaniac goody-two-shoes. He made her sick to her stomach. 

She was disgusted at the pity on his face, as if she was a poor thing to feel sorry for, he was supposed to be terrified of her, to beg for mercy as she crushed his head under her shoe, not treat her as a charity project.

She was disgusted at the thought of being indebted to him, of him lording his superiority over her, never, she’d never give him the satisfaction, she was better than him.

And most of all, she was disgusted at the idea that he might have actually cared about her.

Yeah, as if. Who would care about a knockoff? Only that Drippy does, and he had to have his personality wiped out. That jerk just wanted to feel good about himself and how much of a selfless noble hero he is. Yuck. And people love the real deal.

But the compassion in Sonic's eyes only left Surge’s mind when her body slammed onto the metal below.

[animes-trash]

Lawless’s growth

Ah, here am I, back into Greed Pair hell. Welp. 

So, in this current arc, Strike has given us some good Lawless content, and parallels. After I was utterly destroyed by chapter 117 - 118, i decided to get a bit deeper into Lawless’s growth. 

First of all, let’s acknowledge the trust that Licht and Lawless now have in each other. Even before getting into the fight with Jeje, we can see that Hyde is not the same as before with one big parallel (that some people already talked about on this site).

The first picture is from chapter 27.5, the second if from 106. The pose is obviously the same, to parallel just how much Lawless has changed between those two moments, In the first panel, he is rambling about how human lives are useless and how everyone dies in the end anyway (fucking emo).

But in the second panel, he is actively searching for Nicco, World End’s eve. In this translation, Hyde thinks “I already know what it means to find that one person*. It’s good but quite vague, whereas the official french traduction is slightly different, and I love it. Translated it says “I know what it’s like to finally find a good eve... that we don’t want to leave.”. This says so much about how Lawless has changed. His bond with Licht has become so strong with time, it’s not even that he tolerates him or something, he wants to stay with him. Knowing where he comes from, that’s a huge step.

Now, getting to the fight. (Or you can read this post where I ramble about how Licht jumped of a window).

So. Jeje unexpectedly (to Lawless, at least) hurts Licht’s hand. Beforehand, Hyde said that he’d be the one to get close to Jeje because he can survive bullets and all, to protect Licht. Why would Jeje get interested in the human anyway ? The real fight is between Servamps. Or so he thinks. And I find this panel very important.

“You’re implying that Licht is my weakness ?!” He thinks this as if it made no sense. But this is absolutely right. I don’t know if Jeje thought this far, but he knows about Lawless’s past and his story about Ophelia. He knows it’s a trigger for him, so in a bitchy way, he attacked Licht.

And boy does it work. That grin that Hyde has ? It’s his nervousness acting up. We’ve seen his laughter fits before when the situation got out of hand to him. He then straight up fights Jeje, and he is angry.

But as soon as Jeje’s guns point toward Licht ? He just loses it and completely panics.

I’ve thought about it for hours, and that’s the only way I can interpret what happened afterwards. Utter panic. That “don’t mess with me !” line ? That’s just his anxiety showing up as anger. Also, the not on my watch panel, doesn’t it remind you of another chapter, way back ?

Strike, those parallels are going to kill. (Sorry. I’m sobbing as well, seeing this picture.)

I don’t know if we can talk about PTSD for immortal vampires, but if we can, damn does Lawless have it. What happened with Ophelia traumatized him hard for centuries. He’s starting to heal, but some wounds can’t be fully closed. Especially with Licht getting shot. 

(Lot of pain coming)

As soon as Hyde tries to put Jeje’s gun away, his arm fail him, and he starts to- what, melt ? I had a big wtf is happening moment reading this chapter. I first thought that he was starting to feel the consequences of getting attacked by Tsubaki, like Lily. But then I realized that it isn’t his body failing him, it’s his mind. I don’t know if we can talk of a panic attack, but it sure looks like one. And in a way, I think we can say that it’s because of Tsubaki.

Remember, what mostly changed about Hyde is that he’s really emotional now. In the C3 arc, when we discover it, it’s mostly put as a joke. Haha he cried a lot now. But for someone with as much emotional baggage like him, it’s truly dangerous. Like right now, because his fears and trauma are getting the better of him and make him unable to fight- to protect Licht.

And he’s not only melting, he’s crying. Panic attack, hello. Again, I’m saying, look at how traumatized he is ! “I failed to protect someone again. I always fail”. (Don’t mind me wetting my keyboard as I’m sobbing). Also, that pose on the ground ? He’s losing it.

I still wonder about Lilac’s panel. Is it just for the panic parallel, or is Lawless saying that he regrets killing all of Tsubaki’s subclasses ? The way he sounds, it’s like he thinks he deserves it. We’re back on the theme of his growth. Before, he never would have put his actions in question.

Anyway, he’s starting to melt into his “demon” form again. (Still wondering how the Count decided to merge Hyde with this). If we remember, he’s transforming into some useless blob. Again, I don’t know if Jeje thought this far, but it almost worked. If he totally went back into the blob, he would have been unable to fight.

But thank the gods, Licht is there for him. “Hyde, get a grip, you idiot”. It’s so them. Lawless is stuck in his panic of Licht dying, but even if he got shot, it’s only his arm. It’s not a vital point at all. Licht isn’t in any danger. (Well, medically yes, but it is a manga and he’s a main character). My only fear is that Licht is a pianist, and he needs his arm to work. (Once again, it’s a manga. If Licht has troubles playing the piano afterwards, it’ll only be because Strike choses it. Also, look at Mahiru’s arm. Not a single sequel. So yeah, author’s choice. (THINK OF THE ANGST THOUGH. FANFIC INCOMING)).

Anyhow, the scene cuts there to the rest of the fight. It could be the end, but we learn more in the raws of chapter 120.

(No ads for me. Sniff.)

That’s truly after I saw these panels that I was sure that Lawless’s condition wasn’t him getting affected by something exterior. As soon as he gets his mind together, he’s good to go. I quickly used google translate, so basically what World End says is “Lawless ! What you said was right. As expected of Big Brother. If you care for you master, protect him properly. It’s a little rough”.

In this scene, Nicco survived a gunshot to the gut after shenanigans in World End’s core (or whatever). Point is, he’s alive. That obviously cheers up Hyde who can think properly again (and he probably understood that Licht’s not in mortal danger by now). As soon as he’s calm, his body gets right again.

To conclude, Lawless of Greed is a character who is really deep, more than we can think. He’s gone such a long way since the first time we saw him in volume five. A lot of characters went through a lot, but him especially. Also because he was among the first to have a big character arc (second to Kuro) a long time ago, we get to see him grow a lot, and I feel like Strike is really showing it at this point. Hopefully, we’ll get a bit more of him dealing with his feelings toward his past and toward Licht. Maybe a bit from when he was human too, but maybe I’m asking for too much.

Gee you guys are still there ? Damn. 

Well, see ya <3

[randomnameless]

I write and write and make comparisons between a swimsuit and themes like tolerance and freedom,

But in this fandom, some people draw more dubious comparisons, especially ones regarding a certain game - and I warned (who?) at the beginning of the FE16 trend that while it wanted to have a Jugdral flair, it obviously failed. You have a sprinkle of Jugdral in FE16, but it’s only a surface image, or even a mirage.

“CrEsT SyStEM”? Holy Blood? No, those comparisons at least were made in good faith and had some merits.

One of the worst comparisons was noted by several friends, a certain someone, wanting to push a certain ship involving a certain character, managed to write :

“Every route makes one villain from Genealogy of the Holy War the hero, Edelgard being Arvis, Dimitri being Eldigan, Claude being Travant and Rhea being Manfroy”

:(

This will not be a post about Manfroy’s hips, you are warned

Who is Eldigan (Eldie)?

A man who is the carrier of Hezul’s holy blood, Hezul being the founder of Augstria, a sovereign state. Everyone loves Eldie, he is good-looking, strong, kind, chivalrous and has the magic blood that makes him able to use his magic sword.

Is he the King of Agustria? No.

The King is a man named Chagall, who has an ugly sprite, doesn’t have Hezul’s magic blood and cannot use the magic sword. He also killed his father, and is really jealous of Eldie.

However, Eldie’s line (House Nodion) has sworn to support the royal line of Augustria (Chagall’s), so even if everyone wants Eldie to ascend to the throne, he will never accept it. Even if Chagall pisses on him, or imprisons him because he felt like it, Eldie will not rebel against his King. Eldie is seen as a Camus, because he will fight and die for Chagall, and his country, when Sigurd is... more or less attacking Chagall (because Sigurd’s forces are occupying Augstria and Sigurd’s orders are to bring peace to the land, Chagall doesn’t want peace and wants to fight to retake his throne). If everything ends well, Eldie will promise Sigurd he will try to talk one last time his king, try to convince him to accept a ceasefire and peace with Granvalle - but Chagall is an ass and beheads Eldie.

Dimitri... isn’t like Eldigan, at all. First of all, Dimitri is supposed to be the crown Prince, instead of being a mere knight sworn to serve the royal family. Secondly, Dimitri doesn’t die because his liege beheads him - Edelgard will never be his liege - he dies either by defending his borders against someone who is bringing war to his lands and wants his head, or he dies because he pursues Edelgard in a three way battle in Gronder.

We do not know what Rufus is like to his nephew, but I am pretty sure he is no Chagall.

The only common points Eldie and Dimitri have is their blond hair, and sometimes, their manner of death. there is also something about bonds with their sisters but we’re not here for that

Who is Travant?

Travant is the King of the Thracian Kingdom, a proto Nohr-like place, where farming is difficult, and the people living there are starving and often turn to banditry or become mercenaries to be able to earn some money.

Thracia’s neighbour, the Manster District (Manster) could export food to Thracia... but they do not, because, well, the people in charge of the Manster District do not like Thracians a lot (and use slurs to talk about them, but Quan is a special character). So Thracians raid the border, with hopes to reunite the peninsula, with the dream that, one day, they will seize the arable lands in the North.

Travant has an infamous line, which more or less went like “I will unite the peninsula for the sake of my people, and if that process dooms me to hell then so be it”.

And to hell he will go, because by Jugdral standards, ambushing Quan and his family in a desert (horses cannot move in sand, another example of gameplay and story integration!) with horseslayers, is despicable, especially since he leaves no one alive, even, apparently, killing Quan’s young daughter Altena.

(Travant ranks pretty high in the douchebag ladder).

With time, Altena grows, unaware that Travant, who adopted her, isn’t her real Father, Quan was. Things happen, Altena discovers the truth, and Travant finally achieves his dream by making a suicidal charge against Seliph’s forces (he doesn’t even bring his magic lance to the fight!), with him dead, finally, the peninsula can be united under one leader.

Claude? Also has a wyvern. And comes from another land than our hero (but which one?). And... that’s all.

If Almyra raids every sunday, it is not because they are starving, but because they are doing it, per Cyril, for funsies. Claude pretends to be a schemer and underhanded, but he never does something on the scale of the Yied Ambush (the moment where Travant pulled out the horseslayers against Quan). Claude never takes a child hostage, and never orders his daughter to punish civilians.

If Claude wants to unite the two countries, it is not because he wants his people to finally leave their life as mercenaries and bandits behind, but because he wants people to understand each other.

Edit because I’m sleeping : Travant will die for his dream. Claude... always survive. Always. I am not saying he doesn’t believe in it, but he is not as desperate as Travant is.

Comparing Claude to Travant is like comparing... Virion to Iago. They are both male with long hair, and pretend to scheme. Bar that? Well... they both have hands...? I guess?

Who is Manfroy?

Manfroy is... both a mastermind and a plothole.

Manfroy was the one in the shadows engineering a war in Jugdral, not because he likes wars, nope, but because he wanted political instability to recreate the Loptyr Empire.

He will help a douchebag to conquer the world, and use him to sire Julius, the only person in Jugdral who can become a host for the dark dragon Loptyr. The last time Loptyr was there... well, apparently it wasn’t roses and sunshines, slavery was rampant and citizens were pitted against each other to make sure the strongest ones would become citizens of the Empire.

Why Manfroy does this? It depends on the sources, but it is heavily implied Manfroy is part of a sect (sect as in group of people practicing a religion, here the Loptyr religion/cult) persecuted by a lot of people in Jugdral - to the point where Agustrians were having witches hunts to chase them. Manfroy and his followers escaped the the Yied desert, touted to be an inhospitable land. His people had no where and no one to turn to, so they prayed to their God Loptyr (who doesn’t give 3 figs about them).

Manfroy is thus the Archbishop of the Loptyr Church. He also killed his son in law, for some reason, and planned to turn his granddaughter in a zombie. Manfroy also supports (and conducts?) the child hunts, basically the plot in the second part of FE4 and FE5 where the Granvalle Empire and the members of the Loptyr Church round up children, take them from their families (sometimes by killing said families) to send them to Granvalle, with the highly suggested goal of sacrificing them one way or another to Loptyr.

On the not-so bright side, Manfroy doesn’t kill Julia - when Loptyr/Julius expressly asking him to do so, because Julia is the only person, story-wise, able to kill him.

What a guy! 

Now, Rhea?

There are some comparisons to be made, unlike Claude and Dimitri, but again, it reinforces how they could be seen as foils.

Rhea? Yes, also engineers the birth of a vessel.

However, unlike Manfroy who “forced” Arvis and Deirdre to marry and have a baby, Byleth’s birth, born from the union of Jeralt and Sitri, was completely unexpected. There is no trace in canon of Rhea arranging Jeralt and Sitri’s meeting, and future wedding.

Rhea? Also wants her granddaughter to “die”?

Well, not this one, since Rhea thinks Billy is actually an amnesiac Sothis. Billy would just recover their memories.

Rhea? Doesn’t start a war to build her Sothis vessel. Hell, the DLC is about her previous experiment to resurrect her mother - it was a failure, but someone supposes she fails because she did not want to bleed dry the Four Apostles. Rhea wishes to resurrect a benevolent Goddess (when Manfroy knows Loptyr is... far from benevolent) but will not kill to do so.

Sitri? Asked her to save Billy, by offering her own life.

The most interesting foil though is... how Rhea and Manfroy both belong to a community that was persecuted by others, the people they are supposed to live with.

Manfroy? Went the “if the world hates me, then I will hate it and burn it down” route.

Rhea? Doesn’t want to kill humans, hell, she and her brother disagreed because she didn’t want to kill children of the people who wronged her! She opens a monastery and offers guidance to anyone who needs it, a shelter for the needy and tries her best to protect peace and the humans living under her care.

They could have followed the same path, but didn’t. Manfroy rounds children to kill them, Rhea offers a new home to children who lost theirs.

They can also be compared with their “welp” points, Rhea gave CF!Billy the means to destroy her, just like Manfroy “forgot” to kill Julia - and yet, again, it is different. Rhea trusted Billy and never wanted to use them as a tool, in the other routes, it is because she trusted Billy with “those means” that Billy is able to save the world. Manfroy? Berserks Julia, wishes to use her as a tool and suffers when she regains some agency and beats her brother. But even without Manfroy, Julia would have recovered the Book of Naga to end Loptyr.

Rhea and Manfroy are definitely not parallels, but foils.

And the best for the end...

Who is Arvis?

Well... to summarise Arvis in a few words...

it’s impossible.

So, Arvis is the descendant of one Jugdral’s God-Crusader, Fjalar. Arvis is very proud of his heritage, but he also bears Loptyr blood, through his Mother. And yet, since the Loptry blood exists thanks to Saint Maira - the brother of the Loptry Host of that time, Emperor Galle, who rebelled and helped the Crusaders - he is also very proud of this heritage and his two brands.

Arvis’s familial history is a mess, his father was a womanizer and his mother abandoned him (which might have fueled his Freudian complex?). When his Father died, he exiled all of his bastard siblings, bar Azelle (his bastard half-brother, sired to his mother’s favorite maid). Arvis apparently wasn’t interested in women before he met Deirdre and fell in love with her...

But he had time to sire a bastard (on his best friend and confidante).

Arvis wants to build a world free of prejudice and oppression, and wants to build it by... associating with Manfroy, who blackmails him about his Loptyr blood (if Arvis is proud of his Loptry blood, sadly the Agustrian witch hunts are still a thing, and it will not be well seen in Granvalle’s nobility); however, he made it clear, to Manfroy himself, that he will never allow another Loptry Empire to be reborn. Arvis thus uses hiw fellow Dukes Reptor and Langobalt to set up a coup against Prince Kurth (the Prince of Granvalle) to kill him. Arvis grows close to Kurth’s father, Azmur and more or lesses takes care of everything in Granvalle, since Kurth has no heir left.

And, by chance, Deirdre, Kurth’s bastard daughter, thus rightful Princess of Granvalle, appears at his door. She bears the mark of Naga (the special blood of the Crusader Heim), so they marry, and if they have a son, their son will rule over Granvalle, Arvis acts as a regent until then.

(women can’t rule shit in Jugdral)

Then what? His plan is set into motion, all Granvalle Dukes die, he and Sigurd (plus his pals) are the only ones left, Sigurd dies after being lured to a welcoming party, and Arvis becomes the last man standing able to rule Granvalle, who became, through his plans and treacheries through the 1st gen, an Empire.

(and then his son becomes a Loptyr host, vaporises his mom and makes his sister disappear, wrestles power from him and he is reduced to a sad state (oldvis). He makes a last stand against Seliph, after delivering him Sigurd’s magic sword, and dies.)

Okay.

So, now, Edel.

Arvis managed to become the ruling... person in Granvalle by eliminating all of his rivals, and securing a nice marriage. Edel becomes Emperor... because Ionius gave her his crown, as her father.

So they do not rise to power the same way.

Edel never talks about her brands, but Arvis is proud to bear them and proud of his ancestors. Judging by how Edel speaks of Wilhelm I as a traitor who sold humanity to creatures, I am not sure she is proud to bear his blood.

Also, while Edelgard is extremely prejudiced against Nabateans, Arvis wishes to create a world... free of prejudice (his actions though...). He does not mind Manfroy preaching his stuff, when Edelgard will not allow anyone to follow the Seiros faith (friends put it better, but in several routes, the people who were followers of the Church of Seiros are missing in Adrestia...).

While both Edel and Arvis think they are making “sacrifices” for the greater good, as pointed out earlier, this greater good is different. They both ally with a death cult, but Arvis is naive enough to think Manfroy will not backstab him - he even wishes for him to preach his nonsense freely. Edelgard has been hell bent since day 1 on getting rid of Thales and friends.

By the time Arvis learns of the child hunts and Julius’s nonsense... he wants to stop it. He is however powerless to do so (or so we think! Apparently he and Ishtar managed to hide every children captured in a castle!) but, at least, he tried to do something.

Crest Beasts... are still used, no matter the path, and even after Edelgard became Emperor.

Now, if Manfroy had to capture children and round them up for execution to make sure Arvis would become Emperor, would Arvis have supported him? I... don’t think so. If children were captured during Arvis’s conquest of the world and it was a “necessary evil”, would Arvis have accepted it? We don’t know. Prideful as he is, I don’t think he would have agreed.

(which is all kinds of wrong, the man can start wars and backstab friends, allies and turn his own brother to ashes, but hunting children is too much? Meh. And yet, Manfroy mentions something about his ways and his pride being an obstacle to the realisation of his dream).

Arvis is... a complicated character. A douchebag through and through, who tries to redeem himself at the end, but ultimately fails. He is rewarded for his actions in the 1st gen by the 2nd gen, where Julius becomes Loptyr and destroys his Empire. He had it coming? Yes. Is it painful to watch? Yes.

Edelgard... does not face any retribution for her actions.

Yes, she can also kill her (step) brother. But either she didn’t remember it, or only cries after it, and ultimately puts the blame on him - so it is not a sacrifice ?

People doubt her words? Well, it doesn’t matter, Linhardt, Yuri and Lysithea are still alive after their... interrogations. Reptor doubted Arvis’s words? Aida was sent as back-up (and... backstabbed him).

Ultimately, Arvis loses Deirdre (whose ghost chills with Sigurd’s), Julia and Julius, whom he loved dearly. Edel loses... Billy, and some randoms.

So, in a way, Edel feels like a discount Arvis, because she misses his ascension to power and his downfall. Arvis doesn’t mow down enemies on the front lines like she is doing, Arvis maneuvers to ensure victory.

Both fight for ideals, but Arvis seems to believe in them when I cannot believe a world for “humanity” involves continuous making of Crest Beasts.

Both betray the main character, but Edelgard is hit with the uwu hammer, thus cannot kill Billy - Thales does it in the non CF-routes.

So... short story, long story, Eldie is not Dimitri, Claude is not Travant, Rhea is a foil to Manfroy and Edelgard is a discount Arvis.

Also, I don’t know what kind of weed the person who wrote this take had, but labeling Eldie as one of FE4′s villain is as dumb as labeling FE7 Karla a villain because she appears as a red unit you have to fight.

where is edel’s bastard son

[mylifeisactuallyamess]

So I thought I’d join in the Writer Wednesday from @autumnleaves1991-blog this week!

So what I’m about to post is actually part of a fic I haven’t released yet. RC a smuggler, Captain of her own ship with her own crew and Ben Solo is the last surviving member of the Jedi Temple. Only instead of fleeing to Snoke he returned to Leia and to protect him he just became a nameless face in the Resistance.

Fractured

A little part from my fic.

Smuggler!Female Reader x Hidden Jedi!Ben Solo

Warnings: brief mention of loss. Gambling, card playing, mention of cheating.

Word Count: 1447

Sabacc anyone?

Era managed to dock within the three hour time limit and you wasted no time in leaving Cantonica behind as you all settled down for the 3 days in hyperspace. You sat in the cockpit as you pulled your blasters apart giving them a clean, replacing the gas canister and power packs, you could hear the others playing Sabacc as their happy voices floated through to you. From what you could hear Ben was winning and knowing Sion he wouldn’t like that, he claimed he was the Sabacc king in the crew and usually people didn’t challenge Sion in anything. You couldn’t help the smile as a loud shout sounded from everyone and you heard the words ‘Idiot’s Array’ said more than once. They were sharing the trinkets and coins you’d stolen from the hijacked ship out between them as they got ready for another round.

The silence of expectation as the first round of cards were dealt was deafening and you knew your crew enjoyed having someone new to include. You tried to ignore the fluttering in your chest as you clipped your blasters back together, you got a brief sense of satisfaction hearing the smart clicks as they gave way easily under your expert handling. These blasters were your life and you maintained them regularly never wanting to be without them, you liked to think they had saved your life more times than you could count. You looked at the smooth alloy of the DL-44, you had removed the barrel-sights off both of them as it used to catch in the holster and a quick draw is what you needed in some situations. You gave them both a spin and slotted them perfectly into their holsters before grabbing the cloth and the empty canisters and heading into the living area.

“Captain!” Sion called as soon as he saw you. ‘This welp needs putting in his place, he’s won twice now!’ You poured some caf wondering if you should join them, part of you wanted to but also for some reason couldn’t bear being around Ben. You didn’t know what it was, maybe that innocent expression he gave you like you’d just kicked a loth-wolf cub or maybe it was the way your palms grew sweaty in his presence, maybe it was the way you felt your skin prickle as his eyes landed on you. Whatever it was, you didn’t want to be around him because when you were you couldn’t think straight and that annoyed you.

“All you losers would be just that,” you said with a smirk. “Losers!”

“That’s fighting talk,” rumbled Ben as he stacked up his winnings with those long fingers.

“Here Captain,” said Lysa with a sly smile on her face as she rose from her stool and you sighed knowing they wouldn’t let up until you had at least smashed one round.

“Alright, fine!” You snapped as Sion banged his fist loudly on the table. He shoved Ben with a gleeful look on his face.

“If I’m the King of Sabacc our Captain here is definitely the Queen!” He stated excitedly.

“Let’s get this over with,” you gently settle on the stool arranging the coins before you and throwing some into the Sabacc pot in the middle. You refused to meet Ben’s eyes as Sion dealt the first card out to just you and Ben. “None of you joining in?” You cast an irritated gaze over your crew as they all kept their expressions blank, shaking their heads. You hated them all. Sion dealt the next card and you finally reached out and looked at them.

The aim was to reach 23 or -23 in your final hand, you looked up at Ben as he looked at his cards, you watched as his finger traced the stubble on his upper lip.

“15.” He said, calling out his beginning total.

“11.” You answered. You both threw some coins in the hand pot, Ben went first taking a card from the deck and trading it with one from his hand. His golden eyes rose to meet yours and without breaking eye contact you took a new card from the deck. You glanced down keeping your expression blank knowing he was watching every small movement you made, you took a card from your hand and returned it to the bottom of the deck. Again you both threw coins in the hand pot before repeating the process. You noted how this time he toyed with his bottom lip, dragging it through his teeth and you realised that was a nervous thing, so he wasn’t sure about his hand. His eyes darted between his cards and you patiently waited, noting everything about him, the way his wide chest rose slowly with each breath, the shape his fingers made as they held the cards and how red his lip became after he’d just pulled it into his mouth.

Your crew were watching with bated breath and you could almost cut the tension with a vibroknife as they all waited for him to make a move. He took a card from the deck and he deftly swapped it for another from his hand. He settled back in his seat and you felt a flush of annoyance that you couldn’t read him, his knee brushed yours under the table as he stared at you, his cards clutched in his hand and he crossed his arms. You were about to break eye contact when he did it, the toying of his bottom lip and you tried to calm your racing pulse, but you weren’t sure if it was because you found it attractive or it was because he was nervous about his hand.

You looked down at your cards and you saw you had 20. Now you had to decide if you swapped with another card or kept your hand, the chances of The Mistress being at the top for a Pure Sabacc were slim. But this was a game of chance. You glanced up at Ben again weighing up your chances of sticking or ruining your hand completely.

“Bet you wished you were in here for the other games,” he rumbled softly and you smirked.

“Are you implying I count cards?” He shrugged and you felt his leg bounce slightly, another nervous trait. You looked down at the two 10 cards you had and suppressed a sigh. You could pick up another ten, even an 11 would be the best options. The Mistress would be the best card….your mind turned over as the moments stretched and you realised you really wanted to win. “I’m going to stick with my hand,” you finally said and you heard Lysa release a breath she’d been holding.

“This is intense!” You heard her whisper to Era.

“What have you got?” Asked Ben his chin jerking slightly as he looked down at your cards, you could feel his leg bouncing harder now and you knew he wanted to win as much as you. You lay your cards down and Sion clapped his hands together.

“Not bad Captain, come on new boy let’s see your hand.” Ben’s eyes locked with yours and a smirk began to play around his mouth as he finally laid his cards down one by one, the first was a Flask suit card with the worth 11. He laid down the next one keeping it covered with his large hand until Sion demanded he move it.

“Ooooooooohhh!” Sion jumped up with a shout as Ben revealed a Balance card and you couldn’t help the smile that broke over your face.

“Captains still got it!” shouted Lysa as she chucked her arms around your shoulders.

“Good game,” you said quietly as Ben grinned at you.

“Yeah, good game.” You stood up from the table as the others settled back down for another, the noise of their excitement and chatter filling the space as they dished out coins and cards. You quietly let yourself into your quarters, before you closed the door you took in the scene before you. They looked so happy but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t let yourself be a part of it. You missed the days when it was the 6 of you, his loss forever weighing on you and you didn’t know how to shift it. Really you didn’t think you wanted to. Your eyes met with Ben’s briefly and you felt annoyed he had witnessed your moment of reflection, you snapped your door shut closing them all out. You had another cycle at least in hyperspace before you reached your destination and you were going to spend it avoiding Ben.

[earmuffstar]

glazed eyes, empty hearts

ao3 link!! Summary: Remus lay on the carpet in the Commons, drinking something inedible and trying to figure out if he could saw off his hand. OR: Remus has ways of keeping himself from full lucidity. Janus has some things to say about it. Genre: canonverse angst Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders (platonic dukeceit/demus/intruceit) Words: 1589 Additional Tags/Warnings: Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Mentions of Dismemberment, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Swearing

Remus lay on the carpet in the Commons, drinking something inedible and trying to figure out if he could saw off his hand.

He’d have to clamp his right arm down—since his left arm was stronger—and on a table, probably, for the best angle. He’d use an electric saw, to keep himself from stopping halfway through from the pain. Maybe he’d even get away with it, too: right here on the living room table in the middle of Family Game Night, or whatever the Lights were doing, he wasn't paying attention. The others normally didn’t question what Remus did, whether a product of not wanting to look too closely or because they just didn’t care, he didn’t know. It came in handy at times like this—ha, handy, he should tell that to Pappy Patouille.

“Handy!” Remus screeched. The conversation stuttered like tripping over a stone, tumbling to the pavement, skittering off a cliff and ending up squished in half by a train on criss-crossed railway tracks before resuming its pace as normal.

Remus went back to pondering his drink, now half-empty. He kind of hoped it was alcohol, although even the more potent stuff didn’t do much for him anymore. Maybe bleach, then. He took a gulp. Snapped his fingers and malathion filled the rest of the concoction to the top. Downed the glass. It didn’t taste half bad—he almost wished it tasted worse—but it made his head spin and his thoughts appropriately fuzzy, which was all he needed.

Remus stood up, bracing himself against the armrest as the room wavered, legs quivering inappropriately under his weight. The room continued their conversation—he couldn’t make out the words, not like he wanted to, he was sure it was about Disney or some other unimportant shit—as he sunk out.

The corner of Thomas’ mind which embodied Dark Creativity, forbidden thoughts, the macabre, badness, demented reason, remained perpetually in disrepair. Remus tripped over shards of glass—broken Bud Light’s?—needles, plastic orange bottles, and crashed to his knees somewhere wet, cheek brushing against bones and plywood as his eyelids drooped shut.

~~~

Remus shifted as he came to: alive, in his room, with a mind far too alert and lucid. Had he messed up with whatever he’d drunk last night—accidentally used orange juice or some shit instead of malathion? Remus growled in frustration. The easiest methods of forced mental incoherence—starvation, lack of sleep, the like—always took the longest time to take effect. If he’d paid attention last night, he would have been able to perpetuate the misery longer without this unfortunate break. He’d have to resort to more drastic measures for instant relief.

At least the blackout was nice. He normally didn’t get such an easy reprieve. When nightmares didn’t torment his sleep, the knowledge of coherence and well-restedness it offered did.

Dark Imagination always exhaled cold, stinking of rot and filth, miasma and decay. His thoughts always amplified in his domain, spinning and twisting in a way that felt good—or rather, felt terrible, which was good. Remus sank his foot into the muck, his realm unnaturally still. His creations normally drew into hiding when he came here like this—they didn’t like to see him do this. Welp. Too bad for them.

Here was a total blank slate. He could do anything. Remus’ claws itched.

It sucked how much it hurt, was the thing. The pain was delicious, and he soaked it up, reveled in it like cloth soaking blood, he needed it—but it still hurt, at the very beginning, the moment when knife hit flesh. The physical pain always hurt like hell, but the greater the pain at the beginning the longer it would keep hurting, and if at least some part of him was hurting he didn’t have to hurt a different part again to balance out the hurt in his brain.

Remus heard the footsteps only after rivulets of blood ran down his fingers.

“Remus?” The voice came soft, low, with a hint of a hiss curling the edge of their words. Remus’ blood ran cold, drip, drip, dripping onto the ground, and he grinned a false smile as he turned around—pointless, Janus always saw through him, Janus was the one person who wouldn’t brush off his antics as his simply unfortunate nature.

“Hey, welcome, Janny-Jan! Just messing around, you know me.” Remus was still far too coherent for this, brain just as awake as it had been when he’d woken up feeling nothing unnatural in his system despite the pain. Remus summoned a bottle of arsenic, aiming to chug it, when his fingers grasped empty air. Janus held the bottle away from him with one of his extra hands.

“Give it back, Jan.”

“Remus, this isn’t healthy.”

Remus cackled. The notion of “healthy” deserved that much. “Does it look like I care? Give it back.”

Janus sighed, looking resigned, and Remus knew what was going to happen before it did. That didn’t mean he didn’t struggle as six arms wrapped around him, yanking him from his domain into Janus’ room. Janus deposited him on a bed, holding him down by his arms and ignoring Remus’ pleas with practiced care.

Gloved hands met his own, stopping him every time he tried to scratch his arms, eyes, limbs. Already Remus could feel the effects of Janus’ room sink into his body, denials becoming truths as they healed his wounds, and Remus detested the comfort even as he gave in to it. Janus sat down next to him as the fight bled out of him, its absence hurting somehow more than blood and guts spilling from his wounds.

“Why do you keep doing this?” Janus said quietly, no more to Remus than to the air, but he shrugged anyway. He’d tried for far too long to rationalize his actions, formulate some sort of reasoning, some story, some grand reason why. Eventually he stopped trying, because no amount of reasoning ever stopped him. He would either do something or he wouldn’t, and that was how it worked—whatever thought that had led him to that action could have been fleeting, could have been in response to the opposite inclination, could have been anything. He’d long since given up on trying to understand his mind.

Janus should stop worrying. It wasn’t like anything would kill him, anyway.

“Well!” Remus struggled to sit up. “This has been fun, but—”

“Remus, you can’t—”

“I’m perfectly fine now, so—”

“You’re not —”

“I can’t say it’s been lovely but I should be going, got places to be—”

Janus looked about to explode, or cry, and personally Remus thought the former would be much cooler, wondered how flesh would become explosive, charred, twisted, dead. “We have to talk about this, Remus! I can’t— I can’t let you continue like this.”

Something furious and burning licked through his spine. Remus went still—still like the night, still like corpses buried six feet under the winter chill, still like death. Janus’ expression quickly smoothed over, but Remus was pleased to read fear in the pinch of his brow. “What I do,” Remus hissed, “is not up to you. I am not your charity project, and I understand perfectly well what I’m doing. You don’t get to take this away from me.”

“Remus, you—” Janus’ breath hitched. Remus didn’t— couldn’t turn to look at his face. “You can’t possibly think this is a long-term solution to your problems! ‘Oh yes, continually hurting myself will make my life better, it won’t have any lasting effects on anyone at all—’”

“I don’t want to think !” Remus screamed. He would have glared at the yellow-clad side had exhaustion not burrowed into his bones. Or maybe that was just the blood loss, or the aftereffects of the alcohol. “I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want to feel normal, or healthy, I just want to— to be numb, to be—”

He’d grown too used to incoherence to be able to deal with reality without it. The fact that the poisons gave him an excuse for being a fuck up, and that he’d have no shield, no scapegoat, no backup if he was still a fuck-up while being fully coherent. He didn’t particularly want to stop, not anymore, not for all the effort it’d take with too little payoff—but Remus knew better than to talk about his self-destructive tendencies to Self-Preservation.

Remus turned his back on Janus, though he felt his gaze tracing his spine. He wondered how long Janus was going to sit here with him—Janus knew better than to leave Remus unattended in his room.

Janus stood up abruptly, drawing Remus’ eye. He grabbed Remus by the arm again, and, to Remus' surprise, he felt the vertigo-like falling sensation of sinking back into his own room. Janus released his grip, opened his mouth, closed it again without speaking, and suddenly Remus found arms around folded him in an embrace. “We will be talking about this again,” Janus murmured, before both him and his touch disappeared as quick as it had come. Silence resounded in his wake, and Remus realized he’d been given what he’d asked for—his freedom.

Remus summoned another bottle of arsenic and drained it, relishing the way it instantly weakened his limbs, confused his thoughts. He sunk back onto his bed of corpses and plywood, gaze falling limp over his realm, wind rustling over eyes that saw no sights and ears that heard no sound.

[dreamsapphire28]

Welp writing vampire Mc made want to write werewolf Mc again so here's this idea I've had for a while. This is kinda of a continuation of my last werewolf mc fanfic. This one has an implied, ahem "steamy", scene nothing is actually written in the story, but y'know it's implied that it did happen.

Man I'm in such a monster f*cker mood right now

Everyone: We're in june

Me:

Sharing a secret can truly make two persons grow closer, Akemi and Kengo got along just fine ever since the whole affair with the Ikebukuro Berserkers was concluded, as different as they were those two just seemed to connect, there was also the detail that when they ware banishing the exceptions he had only kissed Kengo but that was secret that Akemi decided to hold onto at least for now. Kengo finding out that Akemi was werewolf had actually improved their relationship, at first he was worried Kengo would start avoiding him or be weirded out by it, but Kengo just looked at him and said 'You're still my partner nothin' can change that' Kengo might never know just how much it meant for Akemi to hear that. So Akemi thought that he might as well take the plunge and confess his feelings for Kengo, he already knew the werewolf thing so a little love confession shouldn't be too much to handle, right?. While Kengo did not turn him down it took him a few moments to process what Akemi had said before he could scramble together a response, in the end Kengo did say yes, through a lot of stuttering and a very red face, but nonetheless reciprocated the feelings, as relieved as Akemi was that Kengo did love him back he couldn't help but think that the way Kengo answered was completely adorable.

Outwardly things didn't change much between them, they still trained together, participated in guild fights, hanged out with their guildmates and classmates and of course Kengo still called Akemi partner. But there were a few note worthy changes like how they always arrived together at their classes and guild meetings, they spent a lot of time in each other's dorm rooms, how strangely easy it became for Shiro to get Kengo to study whenever he told him Akemi would be studying with them.

When it came to showing affection Kengo and Akemi where quite different, Akemi was more verbal showering Kengo with praises and compliments at every chance while also having no sense of restrain always going out of his way to say something nice to Kengo, on the other hand Kengo was more physical hugs, putting his arm around Akemi's shoulders or just quietly enjoying being close to him, he was also in the opposite end when it came to actually expressing his affection, Akemi was quite smooth when he wanted to show Kengo some appreciation while Kengo was a bit more clumsy. Knowing that Akemi was a werewolf Kengo of course helped Akemi sneak out of Shinjuku Academy every night with a full moon, even though Akemi protested that he didn't have to, but Kengo had always been stubborn like that and would't take a no for an answer, even if he had some difficulties when showing how much he cared about him when it came to making sure Akemi was safe Kengo was not willing to back down a single inch.

Spending so much more time together also made Kengo notice that Akemi's more wolfish side was present even when he wasn't turned or even close to a full moon, like how he swore he could almost see a tail wagging behind Akemi whenever they saw each other or how he got "territorial" whenever Akemi deemed someone to be a little too close to Kengo sometimes even growling sometimes, in some instances for Kengo it felt as if he had an overprotective puppy for a boyfriend. Akemi's more possessive behaviours got more intense the closer it got to the full moon while his receptiveness to Kengo's affection became smaller. The time Kengo decided to ask Akemi why he seemed like he didn't even want to be touched when the full moon got close was one of the first times Kengo got to make Akemi genuinely flustered. Akemi told Kengo that as the full moon got closer he grew restless and he got a little too easily "exited" whenever Kengo was near. Of course not saying it outright made the meaning behind the words fly completely over Kengo's head which forced Akemi to use more blunt terms, by the end of the explanation both of them were equally flustered.

At the moment it was late at night Kengo was laying on his back with his hands behind his head on Akemi's bed looking at the ceiling with Akemi sitting beside him, who was reading a book he had opened on his lap "Partner do we really have to to spend the whole night studying" Kengo groaned "We? as far as I know I'm the only one studying, besides I'm not keeping you here you can go do something else if you want" Akemi retorted "But I want to do something with you" Kengo admitted quietly, Akemi chuckled when he heard that "Cute, but I'm about to lose an entire night worth of study in a few days and we have a test coming up" Akemi noted "Sure you can spare one or two nights" Kengo offered "With how unpredictable things are around me? I have no idea when will be the next time I can sit down to review the class material" Akemi pointed out. Even though the idea of going out and doing practically anything else than what he was doing right now sounded tempting to Akemi, with the full moon a mere days away he found himself with a lot of energy to burn it was taking a lot of his willpower to keep himself seated just going through his notes and Kengo being there trying to convince him to do otherwise was certainly not helping him. Kengo could tell that Akemi wanted to leave just as badly as him, Kengo might not be the brightest person out there but he had gotten pretty good at noticing things about Akemi, so he wanted to goad him into doing something that he would enjoy a bit more, Kengo just needed a way to distract Akemi and he had, what he thought to be, the perfect plan. Kengo only had to rile him up enough that Akemi would just agree go do something more fun. Brilliant right?

Kengo sat up and wrapped his arm around Akemi's shoulder pulling the shorter male close to him " C'mon partner don't be such a Shiro" Kengo goaded "Kengo stop that" Akemi whined "We both know you want to stay here as much as I want to, so let's just cut loose for a while" Kengo was sure Akemi was about to cave in, he used his other hand to pet Akemi for good measure, it always helped get Akemi in a good mood when he was in wolf form. Kengo was about to continue to convince Akemi but the words died in his throat when he heard a deep growl coming from Akemi, within the next seconds Akemi had pounced on Kengo pinning him to the bed by the shoulders, Kengo just stared at Akemi in surprise, Akemi looked down at him, lips pulled back in a snarl revealing sharp fangs. Akemi was deceptively strong specially considering the difference in height and build between them, feeling sharp claws pressing down on his shoulders Kengo realised that he had not been dealing with a puppy, he was dealing with a wolf, a predator, one that had been far too lenient on him. As Akemi's now golden eyes bore into him, Kengo tried to speak to calm down Akemi but was again silenced by another growl, now he could only brace himself for what was about to happen.

The next morning Kengo woke up still in Akemi's feeling completely spent, he was also tucked in he couldn't remember ever putting the sheets over him, but to be fair after a certain point the memories of the past night just blurred together, Kengo could also feel someone hugging him from behind, most certainly Akemi. The scene was almost comical Akemi, who was both shorter and had a smaller frame than Kengo was the big spoon, or at least trying his best. After a few seconds Kengo decided to remove the covers and the sight that greeted him was unexpected to say the least his body was littered with claw marks all over his torso, arms and he could only assume his back did not fare any better there were even a few bite marks on his inner thighs, shoulders and neck, at first glance it seemed like Akemi might have let himself go a bit too much, even then as frenzied as he was Akemi apparently took enough care to not be excessively rough since none of the cuts were particularly deep or painful at the moment.

Later at first period in classroom B-2

"Is there something on my face Ryota?" Kengo asked somewhat annoyed with Ryota's constant staring "N-no it's just that you're wearing the uniform jacket" Ryota sputtered out "So what's the deal?" Kengo asked "That you never wear it" Ryota answered hesitantly "He's right Kengo, why would you wear it now of all times" Shiro interjected. Of course Kengo was wearing the academy uniform jacket because he wanted to hide the marks that Akemi leaved all over him, as Kengo had put it earlier when talking to Akemi he looked like he had a wrestle match with a wild animal and loss, though if half the things he could remember of last night did happen he could hardly feel like a looser, he stopped himself before saying that last part out loud in front of Akemi. "It's kinda cold that's why" Kengo lied it wasn't uncommon for Kengo to have scars on him, but the amount he had now would surely raise some alarm, besides there was a very noticeable bite mark on the nape of his neck that Kengo was very intent on hiding "It is, in fact, not cold right now Kengo" Shiro stated matter of factly "You don't have to lie if you just don't want to tell us" Shiro concluded "Awww but I want to know why you suddenly decided to wear it Kengo" Akemi insisted having a very smug expression on his face "Not that it doesn't look good on you, but I kinda like how you look without it" Akemi added teasingly, never before had Kengo wanted to punch a smirk out of someone's face so badly, and that was saying a lot already, Akemi knew precisely why he was wearing the jacket, moreover he had insisted for Kengo to not wear it, Akemi was apparently very proud about leaving all those scars on Kengo, if the the almost five minutes he spent after waking up kissing the bite mark on Kengo's right shoulder and the scratches on his upper back or the way Akemi sneaked glances at the scars he left on Kengo while grinning were hinting at anything. Kengo was about to tell Akemi where he could stick it when Mr. Mononobe announced the start of the class.

Shiro had called for a guild meeting the day before, so now that the classes were dismissed for the day Kengo and Akemi found themselves walking together to the safe house "You're can be a jerk you know that?" Kengo said annoyed "I only gave you my opinion on how I thought you'd look better, I don't see anything wrong with that" Akemi answered with a barely contained snicker "You're the worst" Kengo grumbled "Hey!, i'd be careful if I were you, the full moon is still coming up, you might get a few more scratches if you keep that up" Akemi joked, making Kengo blush "What's the matter, afraid of a good time?" Akemi teased almost giggling "Shut up" Kengo mumbled "Come on I'm just playing with you" Akemi said latching himself to Kengo's arm "I'm very grateful that you wanted to help me, I thought I made that abundantly clear this morning. So even if I'm the worst you should know that you're the best boyfriend ever" Akemi concluded. Even being this embarrassed Kengo could clearly see that Akemi was in a very cheery mood normally this close to a full moon he'd be skittish, borderline irritable and most of all he'd refuse to touch him all together, so in the end his plan to help Akemi unwind had worked, besides Kengo ended up enjoying himself quite a bit too, in the back of his mind Kengo found himself considering the idea of asking Akemi if they should make this a regular occurrence.

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

HELLO... i am back

yes aditya gets a treat because otherwise indus is going to murder him and then transfer him far far away and never unground him ever and we can't do that to a baby. also i hope no actual murder of chickens occur in their plot thing but it could also be something Worse so Yikes!

i wish yao didn't know what a hickey is but. welp he would. actually this makes me propose a situation (nsfw-ish? implied nsfw?): nyo china buys encyclopedias for yao to read and one very old one has a section with a full diagram of sexual intercourse. it isn't porn, it's those diagrams where the skin is missing and serves as a view into the organs of the human body but just in a... position. so 8 year old yao reads all about sex and goes to nyo china being like "hey so sex is for making babies right? so if i want children i have to have sex right? there's no opting out of it?" and nyo china is like fuck it the kid might as well get his sex ed + introduction to adoption stuff now since he knows about it already. then the next day a teacher has a badly hidden hickey and yao is trying to figure out how the fuck that happened before he remembers that certain animals bite each other during sex and asks nyo china about it.. and then boom. (the encyclopedia part was unfortunately inspired by irl events 😔)

but anyway imagine yao mistranslating the code.. and being like "wtf why do you want to BITE people" and india + iran being like ??? and then they get an unfortunate sex ed that night (baby! yao's mildly inaccurate version: "sometimes weirdos like biting each other during sex many animals do this as well and this is called a hickey. sex is this thing that adults do for fun and sometimes to reproduce. but you should only bite other people and have sex with them if all of you are interested and not just because you want a baby, because there are other ways of getting one. if they try to have sex with you or bite you or touch you in Bad Touch areas you should -" "kill them? and get an adult later?" "yeah exactly" "how do you know this tho??") then yao probably tries to find the sex encyclopedia to bring to school to show india and iran but nyo china threw it out because it was 20 years out of date and said that pluto was a planet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

also YES MISS VIETNAM DESTROY THE PROPERTY OF THE RICH... CUT HIM DOWN TO SIZE imagine getting 2 entire ass houses at 18 lol and there was actually a person who was going to get a mercedes in my class. apparently his parents were buying 2 and wanted him to pick the one with the colour he liked more as a gift at 18 and keep the other for themselves. he asked us which colour Mercedes was better, someone accused him of being a braggart, and then there was so much drama... i am glad i am no longer in that class. rich people.

also yeah miss vietnam is definitely one of those nice but strict teachers!! she'll definitely be kind to everyone but she won't tolerate bullshit and god knows yao is full of it. but also imagine vietnam teaching india's class and then yao pouting to india about the assignment he got a b on (a slight improvement from the c) only to be met with "what? she's so nice and smart lol you're just an asshole i kind of want to make friends with her tbh" and yao's like How Dare You Backstab Me Like This? but yes she really forces him to Think instead of just letting him be and that's very good for him!! and she gets an intellectual outlet too :D

also yeah like linh is going to struggle.. how do you write "he's a complete asshole but tolerable and intellectually fun after a while" in a GOOD manner?? this rec letter will probably be full of phrases like "a spirited personality given to debate" or something

This is also a late reply :’)

I wasn’t really thinking about anything specific for the plot; I was really just trying to find a word that was slightly similar to hickey and decided on a dead chicken lmao. But honestly, it would probably be something like “I’m going to bring a (dead) chicken to class for show and tell and you two need to act horrified and cause a ruckus because it would be fun and it would scare the other kids :)”. (this is probably bullying, so in an effort to make them slightly better kids, an alternative plot is that a stray cat has been coming to their school and in order to make friends with it, they feed it a whole-ass dead chicken Nyo China got from the butchers and was planning to cook for dinner. The teachers are horrified and confiscate Yao’s backpack for fear of germs and salmonella.)

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OH MY GOD nyo China, miss, please, he’s young. But the encyclopedia reading is so accurate o-o small and independent Yao + voracious reader + lots and lots of books about Everything + nyo China’s hands-off “it’s never too early to know” caretaking/parenting strategy = what other things has he been exposed to... (let’s face it he’s probably said the F-word or insulted someone in Mandarin without meaning to, but came off as a disrespectful little chaos ball) BUT THE BADLY HIDDEN HICKEY and the ANIMALS BITING EACH OTHER salk;fsdl;ksdjl way to unconsciously roast your teacher lmao. I love nyo China’s no-nonsense way of approaching Strange Questions Asked by Eight Year Olds but I do not know how to feel about her very direct answers 😭 Also, I am very sorry for your personal loss 😔.

Scene 3 is 100/10 canon now. “weirdos who bite each other during sex” Yao thinks hickeys are weird, and good for him. Also the little summary!! Of course Yao pass on everything he knows to India and Iran... at least it’s not a fucked up version of sex-ed, even if it may have some small inaccuracies. rip outdated encyclopedia. Also “ ‘kill them? And get an adult later?’ ‘yeah exactly’” GOOD nyo china thank you for doing at least one thing correctly

also your class is crazy??? A MERCEDES oh my god... how do his parents love him so much? My parents probably wouldn’t even trust me with a second hand from 2005 lmao. Also, wtf rich kid, why would you be crowdsourcing opinions for YOUR car? (ngl I kinda think he was bragging too 😂, but drama? Do all these people have nothing else to do besides gossip smh)

Vietnam has a blacklist of Confirmed Assholes she needs to keep an eye on and Yao got on the list in the first few days after being very tryhard and simultaneously arrogant, so he just assumes she’s naturally mean because he never saw the other side of her. But then he starts hearing reviews from his friends who all say she’s their favorite teacher so far and he’s all like “????? Excuse you???” Also yes go get her friendship Aditya hopefully it will mellow you out a little as well “A spirited personality given to debate” YES YES YES! That sounds like such a nice phrase but it’s just code for “loves to argue with me and that’s cool I guess”. The recommendation makes Yao glow (to admissions) despite how much Vietnam thinks it’s bad and also how much bs-ing she thought she did. Admissions officers think Yao’s amazing and contributes greatly to the classroom environment and Vietnam is like “yeah, in a way, as long as you don’t mind someone who thinks every word you say is somehow wrong and will fight you to prove it lol. just take him, I’m trying to get rid of him”

Since there’s essays involved I’m assuming she teaches either history or literature? Kinda on the fence because I feel like she’d be good at giving a no-nonsense version of history filled with interesting details and prompts that make you think (and also hosts monthly debates on controversial issues), but I also want Yao to be as un-confident as possible in his abilities in her class, and I feel like he would be less comfortable/sure of his answers and thoughts in a lit class than a history one. I’m not sure though

[jilljoycearts]

YOU MADE ME DO IT I'M IN AGONY AND MIGHT NOT READ YOUR RESPONSE BECAUSE I'M SCAAAAAAARED

Feel free to skip a few I'm overenthusiastic thinking of trios in Enderal

---------------------

9. Snug, marry, kill

-> The Forgotten Stories Trio

Tharaêl, Dijaam, Esme

-> The Main platonic and/or romantic Relationships (imho)

Tharaêl, Jespar, Calia

-> Easy peasy maybe? The Emissaries besides the Prophetess (asking you about Siri feels wrong lol)

Tealor, Coarek, Yuslan

-> Iconic Vendors

Fresh and Tasty Bread, huh no I just place them out for you to look at, my wares it is you want to see I promise you they bring you glee

-> Dust pit adversaries (I want to write Tharaêl again because technically true hngpf)

The Twins (double trouble with two handed hammerss), Tamas Sha'Gar (first fight with the 4 people free for all, he was the one with bow and fire arrows), Raga Shadowclaw (lycanthrope)

-> more "cuddle once, have as a pet, abandon (give to a loving person to take care of)"

Whirlwind (Donkey), Standard Brown horse (not Svart), Cuthbert (the dead (& kinky) mini pig of Maxus Tabaccus, the summoned form not alive one of him)

-> The Big Baddies

The Father, Daddy, Ketaron Dal'Geyss (Rynéus' Father)

---------------------

I'm a big indecisive softy so I couldn't answer any of those. Last one clearly indicates a certain **theme** in the game ��

Long ask - long answer! Like, very long.  The following is based on my personal opinions, visions of characters, marriage, human behaviour etc etc, and I’m fine if you disagree with me. Also, warning - adult topics.

Okay, the input info: 

- I think for myself, not for my prophetess (what I am: mid twenties female who values personal space in a relationship the most).  - I don’t turn it into modern au.  - This is “fuck/marry/kill”, not “snug/marry/kill” (I believe it’s implied, but still, ADULT TOPICS AHEAD) - For me(for this game) marriage is a combo of the first of our wonderful three-positions list, the lack of wish to implement the third and commitment. If optimistic – even fruitful coexistence. I keep in mind marriage is stability and all. - “Kill” is mostly “off the table” for those characters I can’t see fitting for any of the first two positions. That doesn’t mean I want to kill them, except I specifically state so. 

1. Tharaêl, Jespar, Calia Starting with the hardest one.I’m telling bye to Calia, alas. She’s too lawful, and I’d be very grey morality-wise if put to their realities. Besides, she has these sub vibes and I agree with opinions she might be very dom when it comes to intimacy, but her whole sadness aura is not for me. I don’t want to deal with it if I don’t have to.  Jespar: we know what he thinks of any relationship - “as long as I feel like it - I’m here for it, else - adiós” and it’s pretty common for our world, but as we’re in a medieval and religious community, I believe open relationship is not common at all. I am thinking about marriage possibilities here, yes. He wouldn’t like the idea – it involves commitment. And I assume he’s the closest to me personality-wise, so we could be close friends, but I *want* commitment. Whether the relationship hits low or we’re doing pretty good – I want my spouse to be with me. Jespar is known for running away when things get bad. So yeah, he stays just for one night. And it seems I have to marry Tharael. Well… He’s very ESTJ, but I don’t mind if he takes care of, welp, everything. Pros: his understanding of “family” is quite classic to our world as well. Remember what he says in the Refuge - “no one will have to mourn me - no widow, no children, no friends”. So in his head he tried to fit the roles of a husband and a father(still can’t see how he’s capable of it, but he definitely gave it some thinking). Family for him = wife and kids. He acknowledges and accepts the commitment. Besides, he seems to be very responsible and reliable. He also tries to be rational, sometimes he even manages. And, as I see the Rhalata as a military formation, having spent 8 years there, he is very straightforward and strict/precise/exact (pick the right word). If something’s being said – rarely hidden context is implied. It makes communication much easier. Cons: he is explosive and I have strong suspicions he might be of jealous type. It is manageable, though. Especially if you set a list of rules together what is acceptable and what needs further explanations. He’s used to living following rules, so give him new ones and he’ll feel more confident. But careful, as it may play against you. Been there done that. Rules are cool as long as they’re acceptably flexible and you’re not trying to find how to cheat and break them. 

But out of these three, he is the husband material, at least for me. I’m not mentioning any intimacy above, as it would break the game for Tharael at all. But if elaborating – I don’t even know how you would drag him to your bedroom when he’s aware what he is and absolutely not aware what this new “shell” may produce as kids, if it is capable of it at all. So I politely ignore this fact. (In my otp it works as I headcanon the prophet can’t have children)

2. Tharaêl, Dijaam, Esme Why I would marry Esme: she *is* commitment. She cares a lot for a person she’s close to. She cares even after their relationship is not a thing anymore. I love this personality trait, and I’d like to see it in a potential spouse. I’m not sure what kind of relationship she prefers tho, if it’s open like Jespar wants them to be, I start doubting and think of picking Tharael again(not telling Tharael doesn’t care as much; in fact, he cares more). If not an open relationship – Esme is “lighter” than him, but also much more naive. But it’s okay, I can be oversuspicious for the both of us. So, marry Esme. And sorry, Dijaam, I have to kill you as I like Tharael more 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

3. Tealor, Coarek, Yuslan Ah, tricky. Yuslan once had a family – he’s capable of it, they were happy, so I’d pick him for marriage. I know how Qyranian people handle families and marriage, and poly relationships are definitely not my thing, but what he had was very “classy”, so I’m good.Tealor failed to have a family. He barely tried at all. Taranor – the lore never mentioned anything about any love interests. I guess not much difference here picking who to fuck and who to kill. I just pick what looks better, so… kill Tealor.

4. “Iconic Vendors Fresh and Tasty Bread, huh no I just place them out for you to look at, my wares it is you want to see I promise you they bring you glee” I barely trade in the game, I hoard everything😅 I know the first one is Marita, the second phrase is not unique to just one character and the last one I simply can’t remember. But I don’t want to do anything with the mean trader, so I kill him. Marita will be my friend.

5. “Dust pit adversaries (I want to write Tharaêl again because technically true hngpf)The Twins (double trouble with two handed hammerss), Tamas Sha'Gar (first fight with the 4 people free for all, he was the one with bow and fire arrows), Raga Shadowclaw (lycanthrope)” Ehhhh we don’t have any personalities here, so I can’t really pick anyone. KILL ALL! 

6. “more "cuddle once, have as a pet, abandon (give to a loving person to take care of)"Whirlwind (Donkey), Standard Brown horse (not Svart), Cuthbert (the dead (& kinky) mini pig of Maxus Tabaccus, the summoned form not alive one of him)” I’m keeping the ghost pig as it’s somewhat intelligent, doesn’t need food and grooming and takes care of itself in general. If given the choice, I wouldn’t pick anything. Commitment, commitment… As for the other two hoofed frens, no difference really. I’d patpat both, but I don’t want to own a pet.

7. The Father, Daddy, Ketaron Dal'Geyss (Rynéus' Father) Ahh yess daddy issues :D It’s actually simple for me. Daddy I would kill. Huge no. No-no-no. Firstly, he’s a father figure (and you associate yourself with the prophet), so no “snug”, no marriage, no anything. Kill him and that’s all. Ketaron I have to pick for just one night as I don’t see it possible for me to survive under the same roof with this shitty person… So I marry the Father. Nothing physical and it won’t be much I would have to contribute to this relationship but it would be interesting to learn new things, at least. Still, I can see it as “I don’t bother you with your business, you don’t bother me, we just coexist without hate and sometimes I ask dumb questions” That’s all. And no, I won’t try to change anything about the Father. I’d better prefer to avoid any contacts. Serious questions here, being put into a position of spouse would make me shave my head or not 🤔 

[shigaraxi]

Suns Out | Shigabaku | T 

Chapter 2 of Tuesday Rates! The obligatory Beach Episode ft. Bad Lifeguards and Bad Drown Victim etiquette. Read it Here or under readmore

Tomura really didn’t want to be here.

“Don’t be a party pooper,” Toga says, rubbing sunscreen along her upper arm. “It’ll be fun.”

Dabi agrees between inflating puffs of the large beach ball. “What kind of friends-” puff “-would we be-” puff “-if we just let you rot-” puff, Tomura’s eyebrow twitches “-in your room again all summer?” Happy with the size, Dabi caps the beach ball. 

“You guys aren’t my—hey!” Dabi snickers, catching the ball after bouncing it off Tomura’s head.

“Sure man, whatever you say.”

They are at the beach and Tomura really really doesn’t want to be here. Or outside, in general. Especially not with people. Oh how he ached to be back in his air conditioned room with his blacked out curtains and computer. No, instead here he is with sweat prickling and sand sticking to his skin, sitting on a hot beach towel under this oppressing sun. Tomura glares at the wide-brimmed sun hat at his feet that Toga had given him like it personally dishonored him. Those heathens didn’t even let him have his console either.

A sunscreen bottle is tossed to him which he responds with tossing it right back harder. 

Toga catches it and shrugs, bagging the bottle in Dabi’s tote. “It’s not our fault if you get burnt!”

“Hm!”

At least they had a beach umbrella. Tomura plans on not moving from this spot.

.

Huh. It’s hard to think but there’s someone...talking? He can’t hear what they’re saying, sounding too distant and muffled to make out the words from the garble. The voice begins getting desperate, pitch heightening as it continues babbling. Tomura feels really tired. Maybe he’ll try to understand later...when the pull of his lids don’t feel so heavy—

“—LIVE GODDAMN IT!”

Tomura shoots up because what the fuck, was he just slapped?! His cheeks are stinging, he's doubling over, mouth full of salt water and seaweed. Through his hacking, he vaguely hears a Kacchan… from a very dismayed voice, followed by a hysterical laugh from whoever this Kacchan is. 

“There’s no such thing as going overboard, Deku, he’s alive, ain’t he?”

“Yeah, but—”

“But, what? I just saved his life, I’m a goddamn hero.” What the fuck. Tomura wipes his mouth. The two look at him. The blonde, Kacchan, is the one to say, “I’m your goddamn hero.”

The green haired, Deku, one jabs Kacchan in the ribs. “Please ignore him! How are you feeling? Any chest pains, tingly sensations?” He doesn’t wait for Tomura to respond, instead turning to Kacchan to say, “Go get him a towel! He must be freezing.”

Kacchan huffs and stands, leaving to presumably get a towel (Tomura could hear mild curses from under his breath as he stalks away) while Deku turns back to him. “Don’t mind him, he’s just a bit crabby, is all. He means well. I’m Midoriya and that was Bakugou, by the way, we’re the lifeguards on duty,” he says with a mild laugh. “You almost drowned on us!”

Midoriya had an arm around him, Tomura belately realizes as he rambles on some more, probably to keep him sitting steady. When he tries to lean away, Midoriya removes his arm, apologizing, “Sorry, sorry, shock can be unpredictable. Are you feeling any better?”

Now that he mentions it, Tomura thinks, wetting his lips, his throat feels like absolute sandpaper and he still feels somewhat faint. Not that he would admit it, but it's the thought that counts. Plus, even if he wanted to respond Well, yeah, I feel like shit, a towel is thrown over his head. “Oi, he probably drank half the ocean. Let the guy rest,” says Bakugou. Tomura snorts quietly, pulling the towel around his shoulders. “I couldn’t find any extra towels so I gave you mine, you better give it back.”

“I nearly drowned,” Tomura replies, voice croaky and just barely audible, as he takes the water bottle Bakugou offers him. He twists it open, dripping as much sarcasm as he can into his words, “and you care about this? Some lifeguard you are.”  He takes a sip from the bottle. God does his throat hurt.

The way Bakugou’s face scrunches in irritation almost made Tomura laugh but instead, he hides his smile behind another sip. “Listen asshole, I can put you back in the ocean and laugh as your pasty ass tries to save itself. You should be fucking thankful.” 

Before Tomura would retort, a couple voices call out for him. Dabi and Toga. They must’ve been playing one rigorous game of volleyball because they’re covered in sand and sweat.

“We were wondering where you went,” Toga says, putting the volleyball under her arm. “We thought you ran away!” 

Tomura scoffs but Toga quickly ignores him, opting to look at the other two with him, particularly at Midoriya. She steps over Tomura’s legs, looking gleeful, to get closer. “Oh, hello! Are you guys lifeguards? What happens to our poor little Tomura-chan?”

“Toga,” the ‘poor little’ Tomura warns. Dabi laughs and helps him to his feet.

Toga continues to ignore him. Midoriya gives a nervous smile as he makes a pointed effort to look at anywhere but at Toga as she skitters closer and closer. “Uh, we-er, he saw your friend struggling to swim and pulled him to shore.” At the he, Midoriya had made a half effort wave to Bakugou’s general direction, who huffs, not paying them a dime of attention. “If it weren’t for Kacchan, he could’ve been a goner!” 

Toga nods, not listening one bit. It’s Dabi who snorts at the story and upends Tomura’s head. “Nice going, idiot. Have you thanked him yet?”

Tomura scowls and huffs. While that he was a little thankful, he wouldn’t admit it to that asshole of all people. Dabi seems to get that and instead chooses to ruffle his hair with a chuckle. 

Bakugou announces his leave with annoyance.

“I should get going too,” Midoriya said not far after, probably thankful for this out from Toga’s insistent chatter, as he follows after his partner in ocean surveillance. 

Dabi throws his arms over Tomura’s and Toga’s shoulders, saying as simple as possible, as Tomura watches them go, “Welp, at least you didn’t scare them away.”

Tomura eyes the arm around him. “I hate you both.”

Dabi laughs as Toga sighs. “Don’t worry, you’ll see your new boytoy again.” Tomura wasn’t sure who he was referring to, Toga who was looking dreamily after Midoriya or to him. 

Actually, he doesn’t want to know.

After that, Tomura sticks to their designated area for the rest of the day. Lucky for him, Dabi was lenient enough to give him back his PS Vita console because the almost drowning victim deserved at least some slack. The towel was over his head now, covering himself from the setting sun that refused to shine over the beach umbrella (and he wouldn’t be caught dead with that sun hat). He’s tapping the keys harshly, the fighting sounds rolled on the highest setting, and he’s so incredibly close to winning, and—

“Oi.”

His thumb slips on the toggle stick, breaking his ultimate combo, and watches in disbelief as Game Over title sequences flash across his screen. He stares at the syncopated message until the device just falls out of his hands as the little loser jingle rings out on loop. He puts his face in them instead.

“Uh...hey dude.” Oh yes, the reason for his failure. The words chip out from Tomura’s mouth, each stop full of as much barely controlled anger as he can possibly fit.

“What. Do. You. Want.”

Whoever it was standing behind him shifts on their feet, the sand softly crunching beneath. At some point, his console powered itself off and it’s then the person finally states, voice awfully familiar, “I said I wanted my towel back.”

Oh, it’s him. The crappy lifeguard. “Just take it,” Tomura laments into his hands. The towel resting over his head and back is swiped, but instead of the sun heat hitting his pale back, Bakugou’s shadow saves him. “While you’re at it, throw me back into the ocean too. I can’t handle this loss..." 

Bakugou snorts. “Jesus, dude, it’s just a game. Just do it again.” 

“It’s not just a game,” he quickly retorts, raising his face from his hands to shoot a glare over his shoulder. Bakugou has a hand on his hip, towel thrown over his shoulder, as he stands looking unimpressed as Tomura speaks. “It was a speedrun. I was so close to beating my records and then you had to come here and…” scare me is something Tomura would never admit, even if his life depended on it. Except Bakugou is laughing because fuck Tomura. “...ruin it,” he finished, instead, turning back around.

However, Bakugou doesn’t take the hint and doesn’t leave. Tomura thinks he’s never hated a person as much as he does right now. To add salt to the wound, when he tries to further his point of wanting to be left alone by picking up his console, the fucking thing had the audacity to blink the red battery light and power off once again, completely dead. Tomura groans as he drops the thing again.

“There. Now you have my attention because the world is awful and hates me. What do you want?” 

Bakugou laughs at his pain. Jeez. “Deku told me to go see how you’re doing—”

“Fine,” Tomura interrupts.

“—cause he’s scared of your freaky friends.” 

“They’re not my friends,” he replies out of habit, but the corner of his mouth quirks up. Good to know normal people are scared of them, maybe they’d be left alone more. “Don’t you have an ocean to watch?” 

“Shifts over,” Bakugou answers. “I needed my towel back before I left.”

Tomura makes a half hearted wave to the towel in Bakugou’s possession with a ‘now leave me alone’ implied, but just for extra zing, because he feels festive, he says, “There, you have it. Now leave me alone.” and turns back around to slump over his knees to be left alone to his utter and complete misery. 

Except, the cool shadow covering his back doesn’t retreat. Why isn’t it retreating—wait is he still there, he can’t be that stupid— “Actually…” the shadow that will not be named because Tomura no longer cares, “there a bonfire later. You should come.”

His ears are working right, right? Like, he heard what this guy said, right? Not having any post-almost-drowning-delusions right now, right? 

Tomura turns around yet again just so he can witness his own sanity possibly failing him. Bakugou looks at him expectfully, where Tomura can only think Wow, we have the same eye color. “So?” Bakugou asks with a raised brow.

He puts it rather eloquently actually, answering, “Uh.” 

A beat passes.

“Did I break you? Did I just break this nerd?”

If anyone asks, this redness in Tomura’s face is from sunburn and sunburn only. Oh he can already hear Dabi’s snickering and Toga’s gushing as he clears his throat, wetting his lips, looking somewhere decidingly not at this rude lifeguard who he begrudgingly admits saved his life. “Uh,” Tomura says, “are you—? Are you being serious right now?”

“Yes, you loser.” Tomura can already hear the amusement in his voice. He has to be fucking with him.

But…

Well...

“Yes?” He said tersely. Then quickly adds, “if it's not lame or anything, I can… I can go.”

Bakugou snorts but, when Tomura looks at him again, he’s smiling. 

Okay, maybe beach day wasn’t that awful of an idea, afterall. 

--

OMAKE: 

“See,” Dabi said as he pats Tomura’s sweet little sunhat covered head as he pulls the brims down to hide his very ‘sunburnt’ red face. “I know my friends better than they know themselves. You totally had a thing for him.”

“Shut up,” he mutters dejectedly into the straw. 

Dabi only laughs because he knows under that hat, theres a dumb smile plastered on there.

[spongeguyandlelouchvibridankia]

“Forgiveness”: A Ducktales Fanfic with Lena

 Dedicated to lenasmagic, a blog on Tumblr.

 “Gary, are you SURE you haven’t forgotten anything?”, Pricilla asked with that tone that implied that she was 100 % sure that Gary had most DEFINITELY forgotten something.

 Gary rolled his eyes as he approached the pod door of his golden spacecraft that shined and glowed in the bright noon day sun.

 “Pricilla, for the last time, I HAVEN’T forgotten anything!”, he complained, fishing in his golden pockets, his tongue sticking out in concentration.

 “Really?”, she asked in disbelief, hands on her hips. She was taller than him, so it always gave him the impression that she was disappointed in him when she did that.

 He was right.

 “I’m telling you, I haven’t forgotten…”, Gary started, when suddenly it snapped and he realized that…

 “…The keys.”, he sighed, resigned to his fate.

 Pricilla closed her eyes, triumphant. “Yes, the keys. I told you so.”

 “Hey, uh, your keys are here.”, a different voice suddenly rose up from the crowd of moonpeople walking around looking for their earthly… Or, well, moonly possessions.

 You’d think that spotting a voice in a crowd of blue and purple aliens clad in golden armor would be difficult.

 But hard as she tried, Lena Saberwing (formerly Lena De Spell, niece of one of the most evil people to ever live, but who’s thinking about that) couldn’t NOT stand out.

 The teen duck with pink dyed hair that heavily contrasted with her mood, a black and grey striped shirt over a mint collared shirt that gave her a very different feel to the more simply dressed inhabitants of the planet, and most noticeably, purple eyeshadow that gave her a haunting or haunted look, depending on your perspective, stood in front of the moon people, a golden key chain in the palm of her hand.

 If Gary and Pricilla knew the years of pain, suffering, self hatred and resentment buried deep in those black black pupils, they may have taken pity on the young girl, who held aloft their way back home.

 But Gary and Pricilla didn’t, and space traffic WAS busy this time of year.

 “Give me that!”, Gary snatched the keys, momentarily scraping Lena’s feathered palm, making her recoil for a second.

 “What you deserve…”, a voice whispered, as it always did when she got hurt.

 She had learned to mostly tune it out.

 …Mostly.

 “Hey!”, she protested, annoyed at the shabby treatment. “How about a thank you? I just helped you get off this crummy planet.”

 Pricilla waved Lena’s protests off, as if they were some annoying fly or something, and not a living, breathing person… Er, Duck, in front of her.

 “Whatever, young one. Let’s get out of here, Gary.”

 Gary unlocked the pod and mumbled under his breath as Pricilla entered their craft.

 “Gary do this, Gary do that…”, he muttered, and he lumbered inside, the door closing and the shuttle flying off into the deep unknown of space.

 Gone.

 Forever.

 “Good riddance.”, Lena thought, and she frowned at the departing space crafts, all of which had moments ago been trying to kill her and all her friends.

 Her family.

 Her only family.

 And they were going off scot free!

 She kicked a pebble with her left green and white sneaker, annoyed at the injustice of it all!

 What if someone she cared for had been hurt by these monsters?

 Someone like Scrooge McDuck, or Mrs. Beakley, whom had given her another chance after all the damage she had caused?

 Or someone closer to her, like her new friends Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck?

 Or even worse: Her new adopted sister and lovable pain in the butt Violet Saberwing?

 And Violet’s dads…

 Correction: Her dads.

 …Her dads. That felt… Weird.

 And worst of all: What if Webby had been hurt?

 Her best friend had been at the thick of the fighting, literally part of Earth’s last defense!

 “But…”, Lena admitted, as she walked up to a hill overseeing the moon men spaceships. “I can’t exactly criticize others for nearly hurting my friends and family.”

 Lena shivered for a moment as she got another intense flashback: A regular occurrence, but never a pleasant one.

 “After all… I nearly did too.”

 Oh no. She was sinking again.

 And she was hearing a weird sound again.

 One negative thought leads to another. Soon she’d be thinking about lying to Webby about their friendship, which would be followed by trying to steal Scrooge’s number one dime, followed by losing her body to her “loving” Aunt Magica, followed by being trapped for a YEAR as a shadow, followed by almost becoming Magica…

 Lena suddenly realized that the weird sound she was hearing was her own hyperventilating, and, not wanting anyone to see, she clasped her beak with her right wind and clenched her left wing’s fist, hoping that she could force it out.

 It didn’t really work, but thankfully, a distraction arose.

 “So… Moon people.”

 Lena had heard many distinct sounds in her life, but perhaps the driest (and right now, most thankfully distracting) sound she had ever heard was the voice of Violet Saberwing, her aforementioned adopted sister/giant pain.

 Lena smiled in relief as she approached the hummingbird with a mint green shirt and average expression (though Lena had lived with her enough time to know that there was a small smile that was only reserved for her), and the two sisters stood face to face… Sort of.

 Lena was very tall.

 “Should that be something I should be worried about? Most kids my age are around her height.”, Lena thought, and she cringed. “Am I seriously getting angsty over my height as well?”

 Violet nodded at the disappearing space craft with an educated sniff. “Must say, not only did I think that no one lived on the moon, but I didn’t think they’d be such…”

 “Jerks?”, Lena offered, still frustrated with their behavior and conduct.

 “I was going to say inhospitable invaders, but sure, jerks in laymans terms works too.”, Violet dryly joked (at least, Lena thought it was a joke. You could never tell with Violet).

 The two stood in silence for a moment as the ships continued to lazily leave. There were MANY, MANY ships, so the evacuation would take some time.

 Some people, like Lena and Violet, opted to stand and watch the ships go by. There were even those who sat on the grass and ate sandwiches, waving goodbye to the would be conquerors.

 Others, though, were preparing to leave back to their homes and their sort of but not really normal lives.

 Off the corner of her left eye, Lena spotted the McDuck family entering a number of sleek black limosuines.

 She could see Scrooge, Webby still clinging to his chest, stepping in to the vehicle, or at least, trying to, since Dewey tried to backflip in.

 She couldn’t hear anything, but she didn’t need to to see Scrooge humorously chide the energetic boy, or Webby giggle that lovable laugh of hers.

 Huey was excitedly jotting down something in his Junior Woodchuck guide book (for sure all the “thrilling” moon facts he had learned in the last few hours), Della and Donald were laughing together for the first time in a decade, and Launchpad was trying to reattach the car door he had just broken.

 Lena could see multiple faces in that crowd, faces she sort of recognized from the last few days, like that Darkwing what’s his name, and Gizmoduck, or faces that she had known for a long time, like Mrs. Beakly and Duckworth.

 There were even faces she was only vaguely aware of, like Qucakfast and Gyro Gearloose.

 But even those she didn’t recognize made her feel almost…

 At home.

 Like they were all one big family.

 But Lena was honestly unsure if she could ever belong to that family.

 What with…

 “No!”, She demanded, furious with her mind. “No, I DON’T want to think about this!”

 “I’m better now…”, she said to herself, but less assuredly.

 For a few minutes, Lena and Violet sat silently as the ships departed, saying nothing, Lena lost in her thoughts, Violet trying her best not to think about the fact that her adopted sister was clearly suffering again.

 Finally, Violet stood up and clicked her tongue.

 “Welp, I’ve had all the fun one can possibly have from watching aliens enter spaceships.”

 “Zero?”, Lena asked with half a smirk, looking up at her new little sister.

 Violet again unleashed that small smile that only Lena got. “Around that amount.”

 She looked back at her dads, who were waving at her next to the mini.

 “Dad and Dad want us to come home and have a “Post Moonvasion Goulash”.”

 “What the heck is that?”, Lena asked, humor laced in her words.

 “Whatever it is, it’s going into our beaks. But they’re good cooks, so…”, Violet shrugged, and she started walking out.

 Suddenly, she looked back at Lena, whose back was hunched and her shoulders were slumped as she stared at the lonely wet grass.

 “…You… You coming?”

 Hesitation could be heard, a rarity from Violet.

 Not much phased the girl; she was a bit of an emotionless girl (which worried her fathers endlessly, much to her chargin).

 However, if there was one thing that upset the bookworm, it was the sight of her new older sister depressed yet again.

 Violet, however, was a smart kid; she knew that she wouldn’t be able to talk to Lena yet.

 And if anyone could, they’d have to be particularly stubborn.

 Violet knew that right now, that wasn’t her.

 But she still asked an empty question, one she knew the answer to, hoping against hope that Lena would just come instead of spend the next few hours…

 “You go ahead. I’ll… I’ll catch up.”, Lena breathed out breathlessly, her voice as distant as the moon that had brought upon her mood.

 Violet nodded, knowing that this was to be the answer. “All right.”

 She turned her back to Lena, half a sad look back.

 “I’ll… I’ll keep a seat warm for you if you want to play Smash Bros.”

 Lena nodded wordlessly.

 “Cool.”, Violet remarked, and sighing, she began to walk up to her dads, trying to calculate how she would explain to her dads that Lena needed to feel bad again.

 And for now…

 Lena was alone.

 Like always…

 Lena was alone.

 As she would always be…

 Lena. Was.

 Alone.

 A light breeze blew gently, tickling her beak, making her wrinkle it.

 Her eyes closed as she tried to breath deeply like Mrs. Beakly had suggested once.

 Breath deeply, count to ten, and try to ignore the all encompassing guilt of existing.

 Easier said then done.

 But Lena never did do things easily, now did she?

 Entering a lotus position (sort of. She needed to work on that, it wasn’t easy), Lena tried to focus only on good things.

 “The past is behind me. The past is… Behind me.”, she said, shivering as she tried to ignore.

 She tried SO HARD.

 And she was SO TIRED.

 “Think… About what you have.”, she said to herself, and she breathed deeply.

 The wind blew through her hair, and she thought of Violet.

 “I have a sister… And I have two dads. That’s cool. Some people have no dads. I’ve got two. Beat that.”

 She took another deep breath, her words unsure.

 “I have… Mrs. Beakly and Scrooge and Donald and Della and Launchpad looking after me. And I have Huey, Dewey and Louie.”

 She took another deep breath, trying to ignore the terrifying feeling of inevitable depression.

 “I have… Webby…”

 She imagined herself grabbing hold of Webby’s hand, the friendship bracelets glowing…

 Only for a strange yet familiar hand to grip her arm hard, removing the friendship bracelet in the process.

 “Ow!”, Lena cried, and suddenly she saw herself back at the beach, contacting Aunt Magica.

 “Aunt Magica…”, she had whispered, almost triumphantly. “I’m in.”

 “This… Is your fault…”, a voice whispered.

 Lena’s eyes widened and she turned to the voice, the waves crashing oddly muted, but her heartbeat pounding like a rocket launch in her ear. “Who said that? I’m… It’s not my…”

 Suddenly she got smacked by an invisible hand, which flung her somewhere else.

 Somewhere dark and cold.

 “IT IS YOUR FAULT!”, the voice screeched, echoing and disappearing suddenly.

 Turning around, Lena saw herself underground, lying to Mrs. Beakly over her allegiance.

 “You lied…”

 Lena looked around, searching for the voice that wasn’t there, yet also was.

 “No I didn’t! I mean, I did, it’s just…”

 “SILENCE!”, she got hit again, her beak throbbing now, forced tears dropping, lying on the ground, completely helpless.

 “No… I…”

 Suddenly she heard the tracks and the whistle.

 The train was going to hit Beakly, just like last time.

 “Beakly, look out!”, Lena screamed, but when she jumped at Beakly, she got hit by the train.

 Waking up, she found herself in the shark she had created.

 She had created.

 Her fault.

 Her fault

 Her fau…

 “Shut up!”, she shouted, eyes closed shut, but it wasn’t enough. The fingers kept pointing, pointing, pointing, changing, transforming, until they became…

 “We’re friends, you beautiful idiot! I don’t care what you did!”

 Lena wanted to believe that.

 She HAD to believe that, it had to be true!

 “Look at what you did for a body…”, the voice whispered again, leaving feedback in her ears, but Lena didn’t have time for guilt!

 She had to save Webby and herself!

 Sliding down like she had, she chanted “With the hand of my best friend…”

 Lena glowed blue like she had then, and she could see Webby falling.

 An excited smile popped on her face, redemption was right there for the taking!

 “I bring about…”

 But as she reached towards Webby, the invisible hand choked her, lifting her up from the ground.

 Lena grasped and throttled, barely calling out Webby’s name as the duckling fell down and down and down and down…

 “WEBBY!”, she screamed, tears falling, her vocal chords nearly damaged, as she got dropped down to the ground…

 “TAKE. THE. DIME!”

 And here she was, in the other bin, Scrooge’s fabled Number One Dime almost at her grasp, Aunt Magica ordering, demanding her to seal the world’s fate…

 Her hand slowly and surely reached…

 “NO!”, Lena screamed, taking her hand away, but the invisible hand pulled her back towards it.

 A tug of war occurred, Lena desperately trying to go away from the coin, the invisible hand dragging her back.

 “Hands off of me, you… Hand!”, Lena shouted, and with a swift tug, she got out of the hands grasp and rolled away just in time to…

 It glinted in her palm, just like last time.

 “…Oh no…”, Lena whispered, failing to believe that she had done it.

 “But why is it so hard to believe, Lena?”, the voice echoed in her mind as she went to her knees and held her head in fear, shame and panic.

 “After all…”

 Webby’s body fell from the money shark down to the ground next to her.

 “WEBBY! Are you all…”

 But Lena couldn’t finish the question. As she turned her friend around, the haunting image of a Webby doll stared right back at her.

 Lena backed away in fright, barely reaching the wall behind her, gasping and hyperventilating.

 “STOP IT! LET MY FRIEND GO!”, Lena screamed at the invisible hand.

 “Stop what? What you’ve been doing?”

 Another smack and Lena found herself in Magica’s hands, the witch’s face turning into her own, maliciously grinning at her.

 “You’ve been using her, pulling her strings…”

 Lena tried to escape, but the invisible hands held her tighter as Magica forcibly entered her soul and…

 All was black.

 All was lost.

 Her eyes, her mind, her heart…

 Poisoned to the core.

 And here she was in the mansion.

 Nearly destroying Scrooge’s life, the once great man laying distraught on the ground.

 “Mr. McDuck? You don’t have to…”, Lena tried again to help, but the shadows came tumbling down around her, a vortex opening between her feet.

 “It’s your fault they almost DIED!”

 A kick to the chest nearly stopped her heart and her eyes rolled up to her head and…

 Silence.

 Shadows.

 Nothing.

 Seconds turn to minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to weeks turn to months…

 “YOU HURT BEAKLEY!”

 A punch like a train collided with her beak.

 She tasted blood in her mouth and recoiled.

 “YOU HURT SCROOGE!”

 Her knees tripped and she smashed down to the ground, coughing out blood, her arms wobbling as she tried to stand up.

 “YOU HURT THE McDUCK CLAN! YOUR CLOSEST THING TO A FAMILY!”

 Multiple punches, kicks, pokes in the eye, scratches and slaps collided, hurt everywhere and nowhere, instantaneous and everlasting, inducing hot tears of shame that melted her face, retching out her soul.

 The ethereal brightly lit soul, looking like Webby, reached out her hand, and Lean, desperate for redemption, reached out her hand in return.

 The friendship bracelets returned, glowing brightly, Lena’s smile returning with joyful tears, hope seemingly back…

 When Webby reached in and removed her heart.

 “YOU HURT ME!”, Webby screeched, and pushed her off a cliff, Lena knowing she deserved it…

 “No… That’s not true… It’s… Not my…”

 Wake up.

 Go to sleep.

 Wake down.

 Go to rest.

 Wake on.

 Go to the light.

 Wake off…

 DOWN TO THE DARK.

 Lena crashed down, eyes braced for impact, only to be caught by…

 “Violet?”, Lena asked, Violet right there, as ever, holding her back.

 Lena burst into tears and cheered, nearly squishing Violet.

 She smiled gratefully as her tears made Violet’s shirt wet, the hummingbird still silent.

 “Violet! Oh my god, thank goodness you’re here! I almost…”

 “ALMOST WHAT? HURT VIOLET?”, The voice returned, and Lena got held back as Violet was moved away, her eyes blank and lifeless, next to Webby, her Dads, Huey, Dewey, Lewie, Scrooge, Mrs. Beakley, Donald, Della, Launchpad…

 “NO! I’D NEVER!”, Lena screamed back, when suddenly she saw a giant hand reach to hurt her family.

 “STOP!”, She ordered, and she shot a blinding magic blast, purple light fizzing everywhere, sparks entering her eyes.

 But at least the blast…

 “…No…”, she mouthed, as she saw…

 Empty eyes…

 Limp hands…

 Cold, unmoving bodies…

 They were…

 Dead…

 “Because of you…”, the invisible voice whispered, this time almost gently.

 Lena sobbed and sobbed as she got to her knees and held her face in her hands, crying tears, crying black magic, crying blood…

 “Your fault… You killed them… You always did… It was you… From the very beginning…”

 Lena suddenly felt herself changing, yet somehow staying the same…

 She felt different, yet familiar…

 A mirror was propped up between her and a wall, and Lena looked in to see…

 “YOU were the villain.”

 Magica’s face stared back at her, cackling.

 Lena screamed, and anger and rage consuming her, she shouted “THAT’S. NOT. ME!”

 She punched the mirror, but instead of the glass shattering, Magica’s face shattered, turning into…

 “Me.”, she breathed out.

 “You’re right, Lena…”,the voice said, taking shape as…

 “You’re not Magica…”

 Lena turned around to see…

 Herself.

 “You’re you.”

 Lena stared back at the other Lena and vice versa.

 The first looked like Lena always did, but the second was… different.

 Her tears were black, her eyes were soulless, and her body was scarred beyond repair…

 For some reason, Lena felt compelled to touch the other Lena’s hand…

 So she stepped towards her…

 And…

 The two put their palms together…

 “You’re you…”

 Lena, smiling bravely despite it all, tried to wipe the black tears off of the other Lena…

 WHOOSH!

 It took a moment for Lena to realize that the weird wet thing she felt on her shirt was blood…

 Spewing and gushing down from a gaping hole in her heart…

 A diamond knife twisting harder and harder into her chest…

 The other Lena crying and laughing, smiling and frowning, joyful and distraught…

 “You’re you…”, the other Lena said…

 “And that’s even worse than Magica.”

 Lena tried to speak but no words formed.

 The other Lena suddenly pushed Lena off the cliff, her family suddenly appearing, waving goodbye as she soared down and down and down and down and down and down and down and down and down and down and down and down no hope no hope all is lost all is lost it’s over it’s over I’m lost I’m lost life lost life lost love torn love gone love lost love found love taken pain granted wishes of pain slit and desist and stop and never come back the guilt is you and you are the guilt and your actions never lose their impact you try to swim but you sink because the depths of your shame know no limit and the folly of redemption is but a tick an illusion a n empty promise like your meaningless existence daring you to be anything more than what you are but you know you can’t because to your great and everlasting fault you are no one but…

 “Me”

 But just before Lena can finally sink to the bottom of the sea and gain everything by losing it all…

 “Hey, Lena.”

 Violently waking up, as if nothing had happened, Lena gasps and turns around suddenly, the voice now not belonging to herself but to…

 Louie Duck.

“…Sup?”

 Lena takes a moment to visualize her surroundings.

 The Moon men ships are soaring in the sky, the grass is blowing softly near her feet and Louis is standing next to her, hands in his pockets.

 The nightmare is over. She really is back.

 But was that a good thing?

 Right now, though, she didn’t have time to process the raw trauma she had just experience, since Louie was next to her, and she wanted to get rid of him before he caught on.

 Taking a deep breath and trying her best to hide the terror and resignation from her voice, Lena said “…Hey Louie.”

 Louie kept his hands in his hoodie pockets, a blank expression on his face.

 It was hard to tell what he was really feeling, and usually that blank expression was accurate, but one got the feeling that this time it was an act.

 “So… You watching the moon people leave?”

 Lena nodded, hoping that would be good enough of an answer.

 “All alone on this hill?”

 Apparently, it wasn’t good enough of an answer.

 “I’ve gotta get rid of him!”, Lena thought, calculating options quickly. “Maybe a barb will shut him up.”

 “What’s the matter?”, she asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Aren’t you busy taking over McDuck Enterprises and sending it down the toilet?”

 Louie took it in stride, but Lena could tell that he was hiding his true feelings about that day. “Hey, that was last week. I’m a changed duck!”

 “Wow. New Louie is only one week old and already as disappointing as old Louie.”

 Lena knew she was being a jerk, but right now that was easier than sharing… All that.

 Besides, she didn’t really have a relationship with Louie.

 Sure, he had helped her with her nightmares, and she’d forever be in his debt for that, but that was about it.

 “Oh, man.”, Lena thought, the hole in her chest hurting. “I sound like such an asshole.”

 Louie however, did not take the insult that hard.

 “Mind if I sit down?”

 Lena did mind.

 But it seemed like Louie would not take no for an answer.

 Besides, she could just avoid it, she’d done it before!

 So Lena patted the ground next to her, not daring to look at Louie out of fear that he’d see through her mask.

 “Sit down, the grass is fine.”

 So he sat down next to her, albeit with his back to her.

 And for a while, the two ducklings did nothing but sit and breath, Lena’s heart hurting and Louie’s mind working overtime.

 There were still a few moon people embarking their crafts, but they would all be gone soon, and Lena would have no excuse to stay.

 She tried to come up with some kind of way to kick Louie out, but her mind came up with blanks, instead continuing to quietly and slowly hurl more and more guilt onto her.

 Suddenly, Louie broke the silence. “…Why are you really sitting here?”

 Lena didn’t want to answer.

 So she said nothing.

 Louie sighed. “Silent treatment?”

 Lena still said nothing.

 Louie sniffed for a moment, blinking at the clouds. “…Look, if you’re not going to tell me what’s on your mind, then I’ll tell you why you should tell me.”

 Lena barely stifled a dark chuckle. “I should tell you? No offense, Louie, but I find it hard to believe that you of all people hold the key to making me feel less shitty.”

 Louie objected to this, of course. “Come on! You’re not even willing to give me a chance to prove myself?”

 “Well, let’s see: You broke the timestream, nearly losing your family, you scammed Glomgold out of his entire company, NOT that he didn’t deserve it, and, oh, there’s the little thing of taking over Scrooge’s company and almost running it into the ground in a day.” Lena scoffed and counted on her fingers.

 Louie, half jokingly and half seriously defended himself. “Ok, ok, so mistakes were made…”

 “Title of your autobiography.”, Lena quipped.

 “I was thinking something more like “Louie Duck: Lit and Fit with Moolah in the Mint”, but sure, “Mistakes Were Made” works too.”

 And again, silence fell.

 For a moment, Lena thought she had avoided it for good, but then Louis spoke again, this time with a little more emotion.

 “…I really could help you. If you’d let me.”

 Lena sighed, knowing that the youngest duck triplet’s intentions were good, but misguided. “Look, Louie, it’s really cool of you to try, but…”

 She left that sentence hanging, but Louie didn’t need the rest of it to interpret its meaning.

 That didn’t stop him from insisting. “I’m telling you, I can at least try.”

 Lena, tired of waiting, turned to him, anger in her eyes. Louie could also detect damp spots in said eyes, but he decided that he’d rather not die like that. “Louie, I’m serious: Stop trying.”

 Louie knew that messing with Lena was a bad idea: She could get pretty mad, and he knew that he was no match physically for her.

 But it didn’t stop him from staring right back, eyes narrowed with determination.

 “Why? I’m tired of taking the easy route.”

 Lena laughed. “Since when?”

 “Since last week!”, Louie shouted back, slight emotion crawling into his voice.

 “You can’t. Change. In a week!”, Lena emphasized, talking more to herself than to Louie.

 “How are you so sure? How are you so sure that you can’t?”, Louie turned the tables.

 Lena groaned, frustrated with his stubbornness. “Louie, you can’t help me!”

 “Why?”, he shouted back, not expecting the following event.

 Lena, finally out of patience, shoved him to the ground, angry tears flying off her eyes, a red face and a shaking body above him now.

 “I. CAN’T. BE. HELPED!”

 Realizing what she did, she turned her back to him, clenching her fists and looking down at the ground with shame.

 She wished it could swallow her whole, leaving no trace.

 But to her great misfortune…

 She was still alive.

 Louie slowly got up, dusting himself off, not averting his gaze from her hunched back and slumped shoulders.

 “…No. You can’t be helped.”

 Lena knew it was true, but it didn’t stop the shiver that emcommpassed her entire body.

 But Louie wasn’t finished.

 “You can’t be helped if you never let yourself be helped.”

 “Sometimes, I really just want to deck that kid.”, Lena thought, and she turned around, pissed.

 “Louie, for god’s sake, shut up…”

 “No. Not until you hear me out.”

 The two were in an unofficial stand still, a sort of unspoken staring contest, both refusing to break.

 Lena desperately wanted to kick him out…

 But at the same time, she knew that he wouldn’t leave without having his say.

 Sighing, she turned her back again, and, muttering, she murmured “Fine. What do you want to say?”

 Louie cleared his throat, knowing that he was now in the homestretch. He had to nail this or he’d lose his chance to help her.

 And hard as it was for even him to believe, he wanted to help her.

 Twiddling his thumbs, his usual confidence absent,, he started to make his point.

 “As I’m sure you know, I can be kind of… Selfish and manipulative.”

 Lena shook her head, failing to believe this. “Are we seriously talking about you?”

 Louie quickly intervened. “Wait, wait, hear me out!”

 Lena sighed and motioned for him to go on.

 Louie kicked some grass and continued. “What I was trying to say is, as you know, I can be a real jerk.”

 “Real asshole.”, Lena added.

 “Yeah, that too.”

 “And a dick.”, Lena added, now with a dry smile.

 “Ok, that’s a bit much.”, Louie protested.

 “And a prick, moron and cock.”

 Louie dryly looked back at her. “You enjoyed that, didn’t you?”

“Oh, very.”, Lena admitted, enjoying the moment of relief.

 Louie sighed. “Oh boy. Anyway, what I was trying to say, is that yes, I am all those things. And for a long time, I didn’t really think of the consequences of my actions.”

 He started to get a little more serious, the memories of his past mistakes still a touchy matter.

 Lena knew this, and she started to feel a little bad for barbing him so much. He too had regrets.

 “I regret that. I regret tricking my family, I regret the timephoon, and I definitely regret taking over the company.”

 Emotion broke into his voice, and Lena swore that she could hear a tear or two, but she refused to turn, still rejecting help.

 That, and she didn’t want to embarrass him.

 “I… I fucked up real bad.”

 Lena snickered. “Gee, what a dirty mouth. You kiss your mother with that mouth, Lellwyn?”

 “Oh, you bet! That dirty mouth didn’t even have that privilege until about 3 weeks ago! I’ll kiss her with my disgusting mouth as much as I want!”, Louie retorted jokingly, but Lena could tell that Louie really had missed his mom.

 She wondered what that felt like.

 Louie resumed his talk. “Anyhow… I… I didn’t realize I was wrong. I was sure that there was only one way in life for me: To scam everyone in my way, make it rich quick and live the easy life. But I see now that…”

 He sighed. It was never easy to say this, but he had to for Lena’s sake.

 “I see now that I was wrong.”

 Lena sighed too. “Louie… You don’t have to be hard on yourself.”

 Louie disagreed. “No. You’re wrong. I should be. I made big mistakes. And I need to fix them. And it will take time.”

 Louie then smiled hopefully, a little at himself and a little at her. “But… Here’s the thing.”

 He closed his eyes, feeling the wind in his hair. “The reason I’ve been able to live with myself… The reason I’m not just lying in my room hating myself for being suck a dick… Is because I took the first step towards redemption. Something you haven’t done.”

 Lena raised an eyebrow, turning towards him. “…What are you talking about? What did I not do?”

 Louie smiled softly, sympathy present in his eyes. “You didn’t forgive yourself.”

 Lena gulped. In a way, she knew he was right, but at the same time…

 “Louie… I can’t.”

 “Why not?”, he asked, pressing her.

 “I… I just can’t!”, Lena shot back, turning again, clutching herself, feeling cold.

 “I… I’ve done too much. I’ve… I’ve fallen too far down.”

 “No. You. Haven’t.”

 Lena growled. “Louie, you don’t know what I’ve gone through.”

 “Of course not. But answer me this: Did you choose to steal the number one dime?”

 Lena turned to him, hands on her hips. “Uh, duh! Of course I did!”

 “No, Magica did. You only did it because she told you to.”

 “That doesn’t change what I did!”, Lena protested, attacking herself.

 “Yes it does! You were being led astray by an abusive family figure! It’s a perfect excuse, ‘cause it’s not an excuse! It’s fucking abuse!”

 Lena shook her head, not wanting to fool herself into believing. “Louie, even if that’s true…”

 “Did you choose to make the money shark? Or the shadow war? Did you choose to let your body be taken over?”, Louie asked, disgust laced in his voice.

 “Well…”, Lena had to admit, he was making a good point.

 But she still felt so guilty.

 “Well, I guess I…”

 “No, no guessing. Yes or no.”

 “But…”

 “Yes or no.”

 “Wait, I…”

 “Yes. Or. No.”

 “Listen, ok, it’s not that simple…”

 Lena was spiraling, and Louie refused to budge.

 “Yes or no, Lena! It IS simple!”

 “No, it’s not!”

 “Answer me!”

 Lena shook and her head throbbed and her heart pounded and…

 “Did you choose to be made?”

 That was it. That was the million dollar question.

 But the prize was most definitely not cash.

 “NO, OK? I DIDN’T CHOOSE IT! I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO LIVE!”

 Lena collapsed to her knees, weeping, not caring anymore who saw.

 “I…”, she started weakly, her breath cold, her body aching.

 “I didn’t choose to live. I didn’t ask for all of this.”

 Louie stepped up to her, a look of pure sympathy painted on him. “…Exactly.”

 Louie knelt down and embraced her, which surprised her. They were not huggers.

 “Don’t dismember me.”, Louie asked, and Lena couldn’t help but smile at that.

 “No promises…”, she said, through the tears.

 Louie separated from the hug and gazed into her eyes.

 “Lena… I get why you feel guilty. You almost hurt all the people you love, you helped an evil witch, and you nearly became her.”

 He smiled encouragingly. “But you’re not. You were forced to do all this. You were being manipulated. Hurt. Controlled.”

 Lena started listening, almost willing to accept it all.

 “None of that was your fault. As you said, you didn’t ask for any of this: Magica did.”

 Lena shook her head. “So what? That doesn’t absolve me for life.”

 “Of course not. But…”

 Louie nodded slowly. “You have something you didn’t have before. Something Magica never gave you.”

 Lena stuttered out a question. “…W-What?”

 “…A choice.”

 The wind blew and the birds chirped and Lena took a deep breath.

 “A choice?”, she asked.

 Louie nodded, sitting down next to her. “I could choose to keep scamming. But I want to work hard from now on. I want to earn my riches. I want to do it the right way.”

 He shrugged. “And if I don’t choose to do that, if I choose to revert to type, well… I’m choosing to be what I hate. I’m choosing to be the version I’m ashamed of.”

 Lena nodded.

 “I’m not saying you’re bad. ‘Cause you’re not. But if you decide that you are bad, well… You’ll never have a chance to be good.”

 Louie smiled. “We’re all willing to forgive you, Lena. You’re family. But… Are you willing to forgive yourself?”

 Lena hated to admit it… But he was right.

 “Wow. You actually said something that didn’t piss me off.”

 Louie laughed. “Yeah, I know, shocking.”

 Lena suddenly hugged him.

“Woah.”, he exclaimed, surprised by this.

 Lena now had happy tears. “Thanks for talking to me.”

 She wiped the tears away as she separated herself from him. “…I know that… That I didn’t choose to do these things.”

 She looked down in shame. “But I can’t help and feel like I did.”

 Louie nodded. “The only way out is to forgive yourself. You’re not even giving yourself a chance to get better.”

 Lena fearfully asked the question that terrified her: “…What if I still go bad?”

 Louie sighed. “You won’t. You’re better than you think you are. You helped us all eve under Magica’s control. You’re a great person. Now it’s time to let yourself be that person.”

 Lena looked back at the clouds.

 Forgiving herself couldn’t be easy..

 She still felt all the things she had done… No. All the things she had been forced to do.

 Well… If that’s the case…

 Then she hasn’t had a chance to actually BE bad.

 Which mean, in a sense…

 “I have a blank slate.”, she uttered quietly.

 And if that was true…

 Then…

 Then there WAS hope.

 If she had a blank slate, then she had just as much of a chance of ending up good as she did ending up bad.

 For the first time in her life…

 Lena had a choice.

 Lena could try again.

 One more chance.

 Tears flowed down as Lena realized she could be who she wants to be.

 She COULD.

 And, despite spending so many years in the company of magic, that was the most magical thing she had ever seen.

 “There really is still hope…”

 Lena slowly stood up, following the last alien ship as it began to leave.

 Closing her eyes, she projected all the mistakes she had made.

 All the terrible things that she was forced to do.

 Magica wasn’t her…

 She was an illness.

 To fight an illness, one must accept that it isn’t who they are.

 But also…

 To choose to fight it.

 Lena could see that she could be good.

 But she could never be good, be happy…

 If she didn’t forgive herself.

 A hand softly landed over her heart.

 “…I didn’t choose to be like that. And I choose not to be.”

 She closed her eyes tight. “From now on… I choose to be me. The real me.”

 She smiled.

 “I give myself… A chance.”

 And that’s what she did, as her guilt flew away to the moon, far far away.

 And as one last tear flowed down, Lena felt it.

 Hope.

 It would take time… Time to heal. To discover herself. To shut the voice down.

 But…

 One day…

 One day…

 She’d be good.

 And she’d be happy.

 And she’d be… Herself.

 And that was truly magical.

[faceless-stay]

*Insert clever artsy title here*

I did a thing soooooooo...yeah. warnings for swearing, yelling, mentions of family problems and implied anxiety.

Also, shout out to a friend who basically co-wrote this they helped so much. Love you! And sorry I couldn't get the cut thing to work.

you never really had problems with the kids at school. sure, you weren't the most social person out there, and maybe you thought this whole clique thing was weird, but you weren't the type to make enemies.

except for one

lee minho

he was just so...ugh

he was loud, obnoxious and cocky, which wouldn't be nearly as bad iF HE WASN’T SO DAMN GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

while you worked your ass off for your grades, his practically fell into his lap.

all the teachers love him, his grades are higher than your self-esteem, and you were pretty sure the air around him smelled entitled, not to mention he had girls falling at his feet. he was a catch and he knew it.

which is why you took every chance you could to take him down a peg.

it was a constant battle between you two. who could turn in tests the fastest, raise their hand the most, taking any and every chance to show each other up. everyone knew you guys were rivals.

you just hadn't expected it to change so fast.

it all started with a couple of his stupid friends.

you didn't know how the hell they stood him for that long everyday.

all in all they weren't so bad. pretty weird, you had to admit, but you didn't hold anything against them.

that being said, it was still a shock when two of his lowerclassmen buddies Felix and Seungmin ambushed you at your locker. you’d be lying if you weren't at least a little bit suspicious.

“what do you want?” you asked a little too sharply.

Felix flushed, stammering over his words. “Woah, wait, i-uh, we were just, ah,” Seungmin gave him a look.

“we need a favor,” seungmin spoke for felix

you replied, “why don't you ask minho? you are friends with minho, right?”

“well, yeah, but he won't do it.”do what?

“we have this friend, jeongin-”

“he's a freshman,” felix interjected.

ugh, freshman.

“anyway, he's having some trouble adjusting and his grades are falling behind and-”

“he needs a tutor?” you filled in, quirking an eyebrow. felix nodded.

“what do i get out of this?”

seungmin smiled imploringly. “the satisfaction of a job well done? the joy of helping out someone in need?” mmhmmmm

“i'll do it,” you said, surprising yourself, “but you all owe me. big time.”

the sophomores grinned. “lunch tomorrow okay for you?”

flash forward to tomorrow @ lunch

and you're walking around looking for a kid fitting the description of “a smol boy with brown hair and braces” like that helped anything.

just as you're about to give up you see felix flagging you down from the opposite side of the room and you head over.

their table was overflowing and you had no idea how you were supposed to fit between all these people. you counted nine, recognizing seungmin, felix, some kid from your grade named changbin and, unfortunately,

minho.

“really guys?” he scoffed. “this was your solution?”

you scoffed right back at him, turning to a yet again flustered Felix. “You didn't say he would be here,” you growled

“awwwww, what's that matter y/n? you weren't looking forward to seeing me?” minho pouted

“oh shut up,” you shot back

“ooh, a master of wit”

“Look,” seungmin stepped in. “Y/n, I'm sorry you have to deal with him but he kinda comes with the territory and minho, if you would have helped jeongin, we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with, so you don't get to say shit.” Seungmin turned back to you. “I know minho's an ass, but can you please put this aside for a couple of days? There are more important things going here,” you nodded, looking around.

“So, which one of you is jeongin?” you asked, trying to ignore the current air of awkwardness. A shy-looking boy raised his hand from the far end of the table, across from two guys you assumed were seniors

You made your way around the table and sat at the head.

Welp, I better make the best of this.

So that's how your days went.

And as time went on, you got to know the boys little by little.

You learned that jeongin was good with the humanities, but math was his greatest weakness.

You learned that Felix was obsessed with this alumni girl group called Twice and nothing got in between him and his precious

You learned that two sophomores, hyunjin and jisung hated each other's guts during middle school, but one day put aside their differences for the good of the group.

You even learned to tolerate minho, if just for one period of the day.

In no way did your rivalry stop, and occasionally you two had to be broken up when things got too heated. but even then, you often found your competition fall from the forefront of your mind before you went to your next class.

Slowly but surely, jeongin's grades began to improve, and though you were less often needed you found yourself still in that same seat, with those same people everyday.

And slowly but surely you got more comfortable, throwing yourself into the banter just as loudly as the others. You could laugh and joke and tease with the best of them, even if your back and forth with minho got in the way. Everything fell into a fairly comfortable routine.

Yet as school got easier, the rest of your life began to fall apart. it all started with the fighting.

your parents used to fight quietly, late at night as not to wake the little ones. but recently it got worse, and you found yourself caring for your siblings more that your stay-at-home-mom ever had.

you put them to bed and tried to keep them happy, distracted, anything that could help them keep their minds off of the mess your family life had become.

to say you were tired would be an understatement.

the weight of caring for your brother and sister, keeping up with schoolwork, taking care of yourself and processing everything going on took a toll. you were juggling and you simply didn't have enough hands.

so school fell out of focus. you didn't rush for the extra credit, studying was nowhere on your plate, and as much as you tried to keep up with minho, you just couldn't. you kept telling yourself you would pick back up, but all you did was fall further down. you managed to coast for a while, but it really hit you when you got your AP Chemistry test back with the lowest grade you'd ever gotten. tears welled in your eyes as you look at the bright red numbers but you refused to show anyone. you thought nobody had noticed.

if you had looked up, you would have seen minho staring at you, concern etched on his face.

So everyday you pretended to be fine. and everyday it became clearer that you weren't.

One day you were helping jeongin with algebra, graphing polynomials and shit. Both of you were on edge and you found yourself gritting your teeth at even the smallest annoyances.

“This doesn't make any sense!” Jeongin shouted. The whole table startled, looking at him as he ran his hands through his hair. You took a deep breath.

“What's confusing you, jeongin?” You asked as patiently as you could muster.

“This-this whole thing! It makes sense in my head, but when I try to put it on paper it all goes to shit!”

“Language!” responded the boy sitting across from him, a senior named Chan. You tried not to roll your eyes.

Much to your chagrin, minho made his way over to your end of the table, leaning over jeongin's shoulder to look at the problem.

“Oh, this? This is easy. Wait til you hit algebra 2. That's when shit gets hard.”

“fuck off, minho,” you muttered

“What was that y/n?” Minho said teasingly.

“I said fuck off,” you repeated, ignoring Chan's look of disapproval.

“I'm just saying,” he deflected, raising his hands. “It's really not that hard,”

You turned to minho, eyes flaming. “I’m sorry we're not all perfect like you, minho. I'm sorry that some of us actually have to put in effort to get the grades we want. I'm sorry that we don't have everything fall right into our laps like you. Everything's so damn easy for you, you act like you've never had to work in your life! Not all of us are privileged like you!” You spoke in a crescendo, voice breaking at the end of the very last sentence. You clenched your jaw, grabbed your things and walked away.

it was safe to say the table was stunned. they knew you had a temper but they had never seen you lose it like that. chan looked at minho. “well?”

“what do you mean?” minho replied, shocked. “i don't know what just happened?! someone else go after her!”

seungmin called from the other end of the table. “you started it, man. now you gotta fix it!”

“dammit,” minho muttered. well, he thought as he slung his bookbag over his shoulder, might as well get this over with.

minho found you fuming at your locker, very aggressively preparing for your next class. your body screamed with tension and as he got closer he saw...tears? You were so focused on biting back your sobs you didn't notice he was heading towards you until it was too late.

shitshitshitshitshitshitshitwhatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido minho panicked. “umm, are you okay?” he asked hesitantly. you refused to make eye contact.

“i'm fine,” you choked out, brushing away the tears that kept spilling.

“You don't look fine,” he responded

“I'm FINE,” you repeated more forcefully. You weren't fooling anyone.

Minho sighed. “Look y/n. You're a lot of things, but you're not a good liar. You're obviously not fine. Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“no, because there's nothing wrong,”

“that's bullshit and you know it. You haven't been acting like yourself for ages. Hell, you started falling asleep in class! What's-”

You slammed your locker shut, cutting minho off. “why are you even talking, minho? We both know you don't give a shit.”

“Damn it y/n, I'm trying to help! You look like absolute shit, the boys probably all think you're crazy, and I'm still trying to figure out why the hell you're so mad at me! I haven't even done anything!”

You laughed bitterly. “You know what, you're right. You didn't do anything. You've never had to do anything in your life. Forgive me for entertaining the thought that you could possibly have a single flaw,”

“You're not making any sense! I don't know what you're talking about!” Minho yelled, distress evident in his voice.

“Oh, are you confused minho? Let me spell it out for you.” You spat, taking a step towards him. “you're not perfect. You're not special. Hell, no one even likes you! Not your friends, not our class and especially not me! You're a cocky, obnoxious asshole who sticks his nose where it doesn't belong, and if I could kill you, I would. Your life is so easy and you don't deserve any of it.”

“At least I'm not a stuck-up bitch!” Minho shouted. “At least I have friends, instead of pushing everyone away because I have to be the best! At least I'm not constantly begging for attention because my parents don't love me!”

You froze. how did he know? he couldn't have. It was a shot in the dark, but it hit you right in the heart. Tears welled up in your eyes yet again. “Go to hell,” you whispered as the bell rang. Barely breathing you pushed past him and rushed to class, ignoring the fact that it was one you both shared. Steeling yourself, you swallowed your emotions and walked into class, no tears to be found.

Minho didn't know what was happening. It felt like his legs were glued to the floor. He kept gasping for air and he swore no matter how much he inhaled he still felt out of breath. He pulse pounded in his head, and the last ten minutes felt like a blur. What's happening to me?

Nothing was the same after the fight. Any progress you two had made was undone tenfold that day. Class was more cutthroat than ever, and neither of you were willing to back down. Before, there was almost an air of playfulness in your competition. Now it was deadly serious, malicious even.

If everything had been fine, you could have handled it. But it wasn't. And you didn't. At least not well. You pushed yourself, running on two hours of sleep and a prayer most of the time. Meals? Never heard of her. Your life was a whirlwind, and not in a good way.

If you had the energy you would have realized that minho wasn't doing so hot himself. You would have realized that he barely spoke when you were in the room. You would have realized that when he had to speak in class his hands would shake just a little too fast, that when he sat at lunch his laugh was a little too loud. You would have realized that minho was never really as perfect as you saw him to be.

But you never did.

You still sat with the boys at lunch, no matter how awkward it became. You still helped jeongin when he needed it, though nobody had the heart to tell you that more and more often you got them wrong. They all knew something was wrong, but no one knew what it was. They tried to ask minho, but to no avail. He insisted that he didn't know, and his stone cold tone put the matter to rest.

People were starting to get fed up. Everyone knew that something went down, but your drama was quite frankly starting to get annoying. Changbin felt especially frustrated. He was constantly trapped between you too, whether it was during class as the only other junior in your group, or at lunch. He had tried getting minho to spill, which clearly hadn't worked, so he went with his next best option. You.

Changbin hunted you down during one of your few shared classes and sat down next to you, all business. “You need to figure out what the hell's going on here.” He said firmly.

“Hmmm?” You replied distantly, barely paying attention. Changbin grabbed your arm and you swung around to jerk it away, making eye contact in the process.

“Y/n,” changbin growled, “if you don't get yourself together and fix this mess with minho I swear to God I will make you regret it for the rest of your life. I am sick and tired of your dramatic bullshit.”

You scoffed. “I don't want to talk to him, and even if I did, I promise he wouldn't listen to me. In case you weren't aware, we aren't exactly friends.”

“Fine.” Changbin said, folding his arms. “Tell me what happened and I'll go talk to him myself.”

“There's nothing to tell,” you retorted.

“I call bullshit. Everyone knows something went down that day. You can practically smell the tension whenever you're in the same room.”

“If you want to know so bad, ask minho yourself.”

“He won't talk about it. We've asked him a million times by now.”

You raised an eyebrow. “We?”

“Like I said, everyone knows. I don't know what you said but minho barely acts like himself anymore. Clearly something you said hit a sore spot. I don't know if this is one of those weird straight people courting rituals-”

“It definitely isn't that,” you butted in.

“I don't care. Figure. It. Out. No one is gonna do this for you.” with that changbin stood and moved to his usual seat right as minho walked in. The two of you made blood-curdling eye contact. If looks could kill you'd both be shooting at high noon.

But even as hatred boiled within you, you felt a tinge of guilt. Is he really that beat up? And is it my fault?

the only thing keeping you alive was coffee. Were you over-caffeinated? Probably. Was human communication your forte when you were actually sane, much less now? Nope. So you're not exactly sure why you're sitting next to minho's locker at 7:30 in the morning. But, he's walking up now, so there's no going back now.

It was safe to say minho wasn't happy to see you.

“The hell are you doing here?” He said coldly as he unlocked is locker.

“Uh, your friend pretty much threatened my life,” you replied, not knowing what to say.

Minho snorted. “Changbin's being overdramatic.”

“He said you were pretty torn up,”

Minho gritted his teeth, struggling with his lock. “Like I said, overdramatic.”

“Look man,” you sighed. “I don't like this anymore than you do. But we've kinda gotta figure this out.”

“There's nothing to figure. I think you were pretty transparent.”

You folded your arms. “Mmhmm. Because I was the only one who said shit. I'm pretty sure I recall some harsh words from you too,”

“Awwwww,” minho turned to you. “Did I hurt your feelings? I must not have noticed over all of your bullshit.”

“Are we really doing this now? It's been like two minutes and this day already sucks ass.”

Taking in a shaky breath minho said, “I don't know. Do you want to?”

You shook your head. “No. I got too much shit on my plate as is.”

Minho nodded. “Truce?”

“Truce.”

“So what's going on?” minho slid down and sat next to you. “Stuff at home?” He asked quietly.

You chuckled. “What makes you think I'll tell you this time?”

“because i'm asking nicely?”

you quirked an eyebrow.

“and because i’ll never let it go and i'd tell this entire school i made you cry if you don't.”

“why am i not surprised?” you sighed. “you're never gonna get over this?”

“nope.”

“and you swear you won't tell anyone?”

“cross my heart and hope to die.”

I'm talking to an actual fourth grader, you thought as you took a deep breath.

“it's my parents.”

“what about them?”

you tried to swallow the lump forming in your throat. “they're fighting. all the time. and now i have to pick up the slack and get my siblings to bed and get them up for school and do their damn jobs for them because they're so busy screaming at each other and half the time the fridge is empty because no one's going shopping and-” your voice cracked as you tried to hold back tears.

oh shit, minho thought. is she gonna cry? please don't cry. what are you supposed to do when someone's about to cry?! “that...that really sucks,” he said quietly.

you sniffled. “yeah. it does.”

“is that why…”

“i'm such a mess all the time? yeah. you try juggling two small children, schoolwork and very angry parents.”

“why don't you ask for help?”

“ask who?” you said sarcastically. “this may come as a surprise, but i don't have many friends.”

“i'll do it.” minho blurted, totally on a whim.

you looked at him, shocked. “i’m sorry, what?”

“i’ll help you. I'm good with kids, I swear.” Minho half-joked. Should I not have said that? Is that too weird? Is that something you're allowed to say?

“Why would you want to help me?” You said, suspicious.

Minho shrugged. “Why not? I don't have anything better to do. Plus if we don't look like friends by the end of the week, changbin promised some...very threatening weekend plans.”

You smiled despite yourself. “Well i wouldn't want you to be in danger.”

“Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you wanted to kill me not that long ago.”

“Shut up.” You rose, slinging your bookbag over your shoulder. “what are we gonna tell them?”

“About...this?” Minho gestured to the both of you. “i don't know. It'd be easier not to say anything at all.”

“Then let's not,” you shrugged.

“They're absolutely going to hate that,” minho pointed out.

“That's just an added bonus.” You winked. Minho chuckled in return. You were about to go to your own locker when you spun around suddenly. “Wait. How did you know it was changbin who threatened me?”

Minho laughed, and you were pretty sure the world shone brighter. “Who else was it gonna be? Felix?”

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: PMMM Rebellion - Part 5

Alright, after that epic fight it’s time to move on. We left off at Homura being rescued by un-brainwashed Sayaka (thanks Kyoko!), but Mami was getting re-educated by that cutesy little monster Charlotte. Time for both sides to regroup and prepare for the finale fight!

So yeah, Homura snaps to as Sayaka draws her sword to cut the ribbons away or stab the lock on them, yikes. That works too I guess but for a second it looked like you were gonna shank Homura.

Both girls nail the landing, Sayaka looking away as Homura reasonably asks what the heck is going on. Sayaka of all people chides Homura for fighting Mami when, and wow this is a role reversal. In the show it was cool and collected MST Homura who kept telling Sayaka to chill, now Sayaka’s the one bailing Homura out and calling her either “really full of yourself or really dumb.” Hah!

Alright, Sayaka’s up to speed, she knows Homura was trying to kill the Witch. She remembers everything! And.. wait, what?

[Sayaka]: “Because that’s why I’m here. At any rate, didn’t you think any of this was odd to start with?”

What, are you saying that you figured this stuff out before Homura did? But… yeah you’re right that doesn’t make sense. Why would a Witch make a city-sized Labyrinth, and then just keep them there without harming them or drawing in more victims. I mean, it supports the Cannibal!Witch theory where Charlotte’s using them as meal tickets, but it still feels off. Why was it that Charlotte was the one to pull this off, the “Sweets Witch”?

[Sayaka]: “This Labyrinth isn’t a trap to lure in victims. What the witch controlling this Labyrinth wants is to maintain the status quo in here. In other words, who benefits from the way things are right now?”

Well, Charlotte’s getting fed, so her.

[Sayaka]: “If you work backwards from that, it-”

Wait Homura what are you GAH sudden spin from Sayaka she She just stabbed Homura’s shield Sayaka stopped Homura from stopping time Why No I’d not thought about it There’s another “who benefits from the way things are right now”

[Sayaka]: “Gonna run back into your own little time again? That’s a bad habit of yours.”

nononono How why

It’s not Charlotte. It’s Octavia.

No, not that Octavia. The Witch Octavia.

[Homura]: “So you’re saying the person who wished for this situation is one of us?”

This is bad this is really bad Homura’s facing the jailer she can’t timestop anymore why how i don’t understand how did

[Sayaka]: “Is it really so surprising? Wasn’t Mami just saying earlier that this is the happiest she’s ever been in her life?

Implying that the Witch is Mami, but no. Out of the five of you, you were the one who turned in-

Oh. OH. OH

Madoka, what the FUCK are you thinking?!

Welp. Time to bring back that theory from last episode that I tabled.

The more I think about it, the more obvious it is. Madoka became Madokami (and good grief you guys, did it really take me this long to realize that nickname? I mean, Madoka and Kami? My own friggin username is mashing Ra and Anubis together, that should have been obvious! Ugh, I am clueless), and she made a new world. One free of Witches.

But it wasn’t perfect, they still fought flaws in the form of the Wraiths. And on a more personal note, there was one person who was the least happy: the one who remembered her. Homura lived her life in remembrance of Madoka, carried a bow, did everything in honor of her.

And at some point, it seems Madokami decided that that wasn’t good. So she made a New New World, as perfect as she could manage. Instead of being alone, Mami has a companion in “Bebe”. Instead of pining after Kyosuke, Sayaka gets a second chance at life with her BEST FRIEND Kyoko, who likewise has a better life with Sayaka. And for Homura? Madokami creates a new Madoka, gives Homura a fresh start.

And all it took was to make a Labyrinth for them, and suppress their memories.

Guys? Is this Rebellion actually against Madokami?

Like, Madokami, I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But this isn’t the way.

Just… guys. It’s all coming together. -Madokami creates a city-sized Labyrinth, to give her friends a better world. -Madokami silences the Incubator, keeping the group of five at a set size. -She gives them “Nightmares” to fight, relatively easy foes that they take down together, gives them purpose. -Sayaka, who we know semi-Ascended into Madokami’s afterlife, is her on-site watcher, to make sure everyone stays happy. -This supports “Bebe” too, as a Saved Magical Girl in the show she works for Madokami, keeps up the illusion.

“In other words, who benefits from the way things are right now?”

Everyone in the Madokrew benefits. But in particular, Madokami is happy that her friends are happy.

ResplendentScorpion said:I think the actual problem is that nobody but Madoka sunk anything in "empathy". The rest of them are horrible at comprehending each other as well, it's not just Homura not being able to explain herself. In contrast, Madoka has no problem understanding, feeling for, and emotionally supporting everyone.

Tinkerbell said:I think all the other members of the Magical Girl Team have perfectly normal empathy levels, actually. Madoka's empathy levels, on the other hand, is anything but normal.

Yes! This! Exactly!

Jeebus, Madokami’s actually the instigator of the movie! She’s the one behind everything! Best of intentions, but still.

Just… wow, that’s a thing.

Anyways, time to get proven wrong! Back to the movie.

Sayaka’s asking what Homura will do with the creator of the Labyrinth, once she finds her.

[Homura]: “Well, that… should be obvious.”

But can she? Because we’ve established that the Labyrinth-maker is one of the Madokrew, evidence pointing towards Madoka. Can she really “vanquish” them?

Now Sayaka’s asking if all this is really so bad. They don’t have to fight Witches anymore, they can all live and work together. Is whoever Wished for that so sinful that they need to be punished?

Homura is shocked, shocked I say, that Sayaka is siding with a Witch. (Well, I wouldn’t call her a “Witch” per say…) Sayaka just says that they are the “final form” of magical girls, after all. You can’t help but sympathize.

[Homura]: “I just remembered the most crucial point in all this.”

Mami remembered fighting Wraiths, not Witches. And Kyoko didn’t understand the concept of Labyrinths, not because she forgot about Witches, but because neither she nor Mami “ever knew about them.”

Ok, establishes this post-Madokami for sure. When Madokami remade the universe, it was without Witches. Every MG’s soul is saved before it becomes a Witch. At the sacrifice of the Wisher herself.

[Sayaka]: “I see. So you do remember her.”

Yup. Yup yup yup. There it is. Sayaka remembers Madoka, because she works for Madokami as a Saved Magical Girl.

Homura states that there are three people here who should not exist: -The Witch who created the Labyrinth -Charlotte, who remains in the form of a Witch -And Sayaka, who remembers the existence of Witches

Now… is Homura talking to one of those people, or two?

[Sayaka]: “You make me sad. I’m the same Sayaka Miki you’ve always known… Transfer Student.”

… did you just do a MST backwards head-tilt at Homura? You’re enjoying this, aren’t you-

HOLY CARP HER SHADOW IS OF HER WITCH FORM GAHGAHGAH

Ok, guess we’re doing this now!

Sayaka stabs at Homura’s shield again, but this time Homura pulls Sayaka’s sword away. Not sure how useful that’ll be as she can just summon another, but whatever. Quick stomach-kick to get some distance, shield’s working again so Homura does a timestop.

Ok, let’s recap: You’re in a music-themed alley area, with someone who just attacked you after you worked out that she’s involved with the Labyrinth. You’ve managed to timestop, but seeing as you pulled out a pistol I’m worried that you used up all your serious firepower in that earlier fight. How are you going to get out of this?

Yeah, looks like she used her power just in time, she’s facing an oversized white cape with an image of Octavia in it. Pulling it away, time resumes… to an empty alleyway. Did she withdraw?

[Sayaka]: “You haven’t answered my question yet. Would you really be okay destroying this Mitakihara City? You should think hard on that before you decide. So that you won’t have any regrets.”

So we’ve established that the city is fake, “an idealized world someone dreamed up.” And seeing as she knows that now, we’re in full Labyrinth mode again, creepy children and artistic swans all over the place. Homura’s now on a boat-

Sorry, had to be done. Homura’s on a boat now for some reason, she-

...ok, goodbye Fourth Wall. She’s sailing under an arch that says “Do you enjoy the movie?”

Why yes Urobuchi, I am enjoying this very much. The animation is great, that Homura/Mami fight was glorious, and I’m loving the plot twists that are driving me insane. Thanks for making this!

Now she’s sailing through a tunnel, as paper cuttouts parrot lines by the other MGs.

[Kyoko]: “I came over to help Mami out.” [Mami]: “This is the kind of daily life I used to dream about in the old days.” [Sayaka]: “Tell me, is this really so bad?”

Homura’s thinking about how someone dragged everyone into this “unattainable dream world”. Forsaking the battle against the wraiths? Ah, yeah that’s a good point. If they’re in this Labyrinth living it up, then they aren’t outside fighting the flaws of the world. Maybe Madokami put a few of the Saved MGs on the task while they’re on “vacation”? Homura doesn’t approve, saying MGs must continue to always fight. Thought as she reaches up to a stylized drawing of Madokami.

Hey, Homura? I know it might seem outlandish, given how long you strived to save Madoka, but… maybe you could take a break? You got your miracle, even if it wasn’t by your hand. You don’t have to keep paying for it.

Yikes, “ridiculous farce”. You really don’t appreciate how Madokami tried to make you happy, huh? To be fair, if you don’t think about this as a gift from Madokami, it could be seen this way. Hopefully Homura learns the truth soon.

Creepy Kids throwing tomatoes/pomegranates? Ok then.

Back in the city, hey it’s Madoka! Er, semi-Madoka? Labyrinth Madoka? Eh I’mma just call you Madoka. She’s happy to see Homura, who quickly tries brushing away the last of her headshot damage. Then Madoka jumps down to her, and by the Laws of Anime they end up tumbling into the boat. Daw.

GAH another flash of the Incubator’s eyes, what the heck.

But hey, Madoka! How are… uh oh.

[Madoka]: “Mami is really worried about you. What happened?”

Cripes right Madoka’s part of the Labyrinth, she’s supposed to keep Homura happy. Now she’s saying that Homura shouldn’t go off by herself. Yep, Homura’s back under surveillance. You have to admit, it’s a pretty good one: have the person Homura cares about the most, or at least a copy of her, focus on keeping her happy. And peaceful.

Urgh, enough with the Madoka Guilt Trips! Have mercy!

Homura hey that’s your Meek Homura voice again, not sure if good or bad. Meek Homura is claiming a dream, that Madoka had gone someplace she would never see her again.

More emotional pain! Homura’s saying that as the only one who remembered, she began to doubt her own memories given no-one else remembered. Did she just make it up?

Yep, I’m picturing Madokami checking in on the Earth, thinking “Lah de dah, glad to see that the New World is working well, everyone’s peaceful and- wait, is Homura crying?! THIS. WILL. NOT. DO.”

Madoka gives Homura a hug, agreeing that that’s a terrible dream but assuring her she’d never go away where she would never see them again. Why?

[Madoka]: “You know how wimpy I am. And because I could never bear to do something that would make someone as strong as you cry like this.”

Yep, this… as sweet as this scene is, it’s clear what’s going on: Homura is being brainwashed again. First the voice, now Madoka is starting to braid her hair.

I… honestly don’t know if I should tell Homura to fight this.

Sudden flashback to the Hallway Scene? Homura’s crying, and why is there a dark pulse going through the flowers?

Homura is saying that she understands, that she made a stupid mistake?

[Homura]: “I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. That no matter what I would’ve had to do, I should have stopped you back then.”

Homura… no. You can’t blame yourself for Madoka’s actions, her choices. This Madoka… she’s not the one you know. She’s part of the Labyrinth.

Um guys the field of flowers is dying I don’t think that’s a good sign

Or just fading? Now they’re dandelions. Did we just see a season change?

Homura’s asserting that Madoka is far kinder and stronger than she knows.

Now her hair is unbraiding. She’s fighting it! She’s saying that Madoka doesn’t remember anything, that she thought she was an illusion or a copy made by someone. But… this is the real Madoka. Hold up is she fighting the brainwashing or not?

Homura thanks Madoka for making her happy. Then says that she’s going, there’s something left she needs to do.

Ok, what is with this movie? I keep coming up with theories, each more outlandish than the last, until now I’m at the point I am actually accusing MADOKAMI of being the Mastermind?! I don’t even…

I can’t put any trust in my speculations, now after how insanely wrong I kept being in the show itself. But I’m looking at all these pieces, and it’s all just fitting together. Am I missing something? Was there a scene I skipped, a line I was too distracted to read? Because as far as I can tell Sayaka showing up with Witch powers means that the person she works for put her there. And that is Madokami.

And I can’t even decide if it’s all that villainous or not! I mean yes Madokami put the three MGs in a Labyrinth and wiped their memories. But like Sayaka said, aren’t they happy? Isn’t this a world where they can live their lives, be safe and enjoy it?

Is anyone really being hurt by all of this? Homura’s biggest complaint was that they weren’t fighting the Wraiths, but surely Madokami put some of her girls on it? And if so, then what’s the harm? I mean besides the wiping of memories thing. But was Homura happier not remembering Madokami, not being driven by the sacrifice of her friend? Wasn’t she at peace?

You guys there’s still an hour left in this friggin movie good grief what more is there?!

[splazbee]

A guide to Reverse Asra (and how to avoid it)

I’ve seen some people already covering the reversed routes for the characters, but I found the need to try and understand first hand.

So, after a lot of pain, I found my way to the Reversed Asra route. There are several keys to getting it, which is the same for all the characters: feed into their bad habits and negative traits. Don’t push them to change. For Asra, those negative traits are as such: his tendency to run away, to push away the problems, isolating himself and an obsessive need to keep MC safe.

The first three are all aspects of one problem. When talking with Asra about our past, he told MC about the argument they had. Asra wanted to escape the town, leave the people to fend for themselves and him to find a safe place. He wanted to go with MC, but MC wanted to help the city. 

Here are some roots of the problem, and Asra can react in different ways. In the Upright route, Asra learns how to stand his ground in face of adversity, how to let people in and let them help. He can make MC grow. The other, Reverse reaction, is to regret even more not keeping MC safe and going to extreme heights to do so. He already gave up a part of his heart for MC to return to life, what more wouldn’t he do?

Encouraging his desire to run away, making MC look and act helpless, therefore making Asra believe MC would never survive without him, is the recipe for the disaster that is the Reverse route.

And here is why.

I went aaaall the way back to when MC and Asra went to his Sanctuary out of Vesuvia. MC is asked by Asra if they would prefer a big, bustling city, or a remote place. Answering remote appeals to his want to run away, especially with the apprentice.  Clap and a half for escapism everyone. 

The next choice is possibly not the most important in this whole scheme, but even choosing how to ride Beast can have its weight. Sitting in front is more adventurous, while sitting behind Asra? It already shows MC relies on him, in a way literally hiding behind his back.

I forgot to take my note in this choice, so i forgot where it was exactly in the midst of important choices, but it’s about MC’s dream. Telling Asra the dream about MC and him going off in a separate dimension or universe all of their own was a good one, welp, (a little maybe spoiler) lets not plant ideas in either Asra’s or MC’s head, m’kay?

Helping the villagers. While you do help them anyway, the way you go about it matters. Picking “We’re busy”, even though that is not exactly true, makes MC seem very callous, and selfish. Asra is shocked for a moment before he laughs. While picking this choice made me feel guilty, it does its job of isolating MC, and therefore Asra, from the outside world.

Next, relying on Asra to deal with the well. Again, enforcing the notion that MC needs to rely on Asra to do all the heavy lifting, and Asra, being the precious bean he is, shows once again that he would do anything for MC. This is not shaping up to be a healthy relationship people, especially for Asra.

Not taking the initiative and asking Asra to dance, and instead sitting in a faraway corner with him - isolation again.

Next the choice of going back directly to the palace, or first visiting the shop - this is avoiding the problems, leaving them for later. Running away from them. Not literally, not yet, but going there.

Meeting Muriel is the next on the chopping block. The most important bit is MC’s reaction to meeting him - whether MC is happy to meet him, or feeling nervous. Choosing nervous shows an unwillingness to meet new people, slight suspicion of them, and most importantly - a dependency on Asra.

Following this is MC’s opinion on Asra and Muriel. The choices being “Good thing you got away” and “Good thing you had each other”, based on previous statements, it’s written right there on the box which answer makes it more likely to get the Reverse route.

When Asra is confronted about his vanishing habit by Julian, MC saying “You’re always there for me” sounds suspiciously supportive, but it isn’t really, not in the long run. Telling Asra he has a vanishing-into-lands-unknown problem right in his face provokes change. In a positive direction, god forbid. I’m saying this sarcastically, but while he cares about Muriel, Nadia and Julian, if MC tells him to do something, he will follow it to the dot. Telling him he is always there for us just keeps him blind to his faults.

And so, we reach THE TRIAL. Picking the choice of Asra telling the people he’s innocent? Nicely packaged, but ultimately a bad decision. Asra keeps his secrets close to his chest, and while we all love this floofy boy, it is a fact he has quite the dark side. So he also lies. Condoning that is not okay. Him telling the truth challenges him. It’s against him. But he trusts MC, so when MC wants him to tell the truth, he changes. He grows.

Next up, MC asking Nadia to stop the fight is a bad choice, though I don’t believe it to be such a major one. But it shows one thing: no matter how much MC relies on Asra, they don’t truly believe in him or his abilities. This exact thing will play its role again in a later choice.

The next few choices are a bit foggy for me. I’m pretty sure in the next choice, picking “Let me help” is an Upright choice. Because wow, MC doesn’t want to rely on Asra and actually tries to be equal with him, like a healthy relationship should be? Whaaat?

When asked by Asra what MC would do in his place, I am confused as to which one is the Reverse choice. To me personally, “I’d do anything” seems to validate everything Asra has done for us, making it a situation of ends-justify-the-means. While I’m very happy that he did resurrect MC, because we wouldn’t have a story without that, it may push him into thinking that its always all in when it comes to MC. Pushing his protectiveness into an obsession.

“Why am I here?” and the “...” option seem to be the next Reverse choices. The first one shows that MC is still relying on heir teacher to explain things to them, a bit of naivete that kindles at Asra’s protectiveness. It’s a similar situation with “...” MC has no idea how to react, and need Asra to support them.

I’ll be shorter for the next choices, as this is getting quite long. “Did it change you?” seems to be the next Reverse choice, because “I’d do the same for you” is supportive, but i could be wrong here, as I was very conflicted. Trying to cancel the Masquerade is again avoidance of problems and running away. When it’s about Faust the “You’d do the same for me” seems to be the reverse choice. To me it feels like MC implies they don’t really care about Faust, and who would be so mad as to not like her, amirite?

Next up, dealing with the Devil. I picked No for his first offer, and then yes after he made Faust vanish. He confusion and fear broke me. Next I chose to tell the Devil that indeed, the Masquerade was enjoyable, but now we are so far into this Reverse hell, I don’t even know if it matters anymore. The next choice is very transparent - MC telling Asra they can’t do this alone after MC is left stranding in the Half world (what was the term for it again?)

Trusting Scout and telling the Magician MC doesn’t feel safe with him also aren’t very obvious to me.

Next up - Asra’s confession!!!  I trembled as, when in the face of his declaration, I made MC stutter out an “I... um...” Get yourself together MC, this boy needs love.

Magic realm time! Choosing the “I just want this to be over” shows the now infamous in this essay need to escape and get away, preferably to some isolated place. When confronted with the magic chains, “Find a safer path” shows MC unwillingness to stand up to adversity, and, well, a lack of courage. How will MC deal with the Devil is now beyond me (pun not intended, but the foreshadowing is too good for me to redact this).

Interactions with Asra’s parents. As with Muriel, an unwillingness to meet and trust new people, no matter how close they may be to Asra, must be shown. To me shaking hands seems more impersonal, and later not commending the spell Asra’s dad crafted. When in a timed choice attacking the tree is too straightforward, so the Reverse answer should be when MC goes into ‘helpless’ mode and just going “what do we do?!” Then right after, unwillingness to trust Asra’s dad to heal us, making Asra do it, and the poor boy is so jittery and nervous and afraid and stressed he can’t cast the magic fully and/or correctly.

Here comes LUCI! Asra presents MC with the idea of trapping Lucio. And here comes that point from waaaaaay back up at the gladiator battle, where MC doubted his abilities and his decisions. Picking “I’m not so sure...” and then completely disregarding Asra’s advice about approaching the water, shows a complete lack of faith in Asra, unwillingness to listen to him and sealing the deal of his protectiveness of MC turning into an obsession.

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 20

Finally, we have come to the Reversed route. Asra goes completely into a tunnel vision mode. Where in the Upright path, he suggests we use MCs blood to give the immunity of our magic to all the guests of the arcane feast, in the Reversed path he completely focuses on running away. Asking where we should run, the oasis or the shop, trying to find the right way in the maze. 

At a moment he says “... we can escape. Make sure the ritual fails. That’s... that’s all we can do now.” and when Muriel’s charm starts to completely give out Asra says “You can escape. Run far away, live your life...” In answer to MC choosing to say “I don’t think I can”, he apologizes. 

“I... I’m so sorry, MC. I wanted to protect you, but...”

Everything we started with. His desire to escape, run to a faraway place, protecting MC. All traits present thorough the story, fed by choices of at least 11 books. This is what causes the Reversed end.

He turned into a scared, helpless wreck of a man, desperate and trapped in his needs. And even if at the table, MC finally tries to take a stand and use Magic, its finally revealed why we can do what we can do, but seriously, we all knew we were the Fool already. Even then, MC has go make a deal with the Devil.

This is the end of this long, long essay. I’ll probably make a summarized version of this. More people will be inclined to reach the end at least :D

[morethanithoughtofficialblog]

Chapter 23: Don’t be so tough with yourself

In which fights and emotional instability strikes in. 

*Sans's POV*

I woke up quite late the next day, rays of sun telling me the present timeline was still there. The smell of warm coffee filled my room, and the bed was a lot less messy than usual. I looked at my left and noticed that, indeed, there was a cup of coffee, companied by a notebook with a lot of writing on the front page. I decided to read it, not before taking a sip to the drink before it got cold.

<<Sans, buddy, I don't think you should continue hiding these things. You are important, you have a family and friends that care about you. You are so young, man! You've been given the chance to go on and start from zero on the Surface, please don't waste it. You are super smart, I can feel it, and you are way more useful than you think.

Please, if not for you, then do it for your family. I bet Papyrus doesn't know anything about your problem. He may know what you have, but not WHY you have it. That's the intimate part, isn't it? I understand you want to keep Papyrus's innocence, but think of yourself at least right now. You are the most important person to your brother (From what I've seen, you guys don't have a close relationship. I am no one to judge, though).

I don't want to pressure you. I just want you to be okay. You have people to rely on- don't waste that opportunity.  Maybe you won't tell your parents, I perfectly understand. My parents don't know about my issues either. But you have your brother, friends, and if you ever want to, I'll always be open to hearing what you have to say.

Please, Sans, just be careful.

Because we all really care about you.

(P.D. If you wake up and the coffee's cold, don't hesitate to ask me for more! I'll be downstairs... Papy's probably awake already)>>

I sighed and took the cup with me. I know that what I was doing was so damn wrong, but I was truly afraid of letting go. I'm not happy like this, don't misunderstand, but... it's comfortable. Because it's predictable. And know that I have an unpredictable person in my life, what am I supposed to do?

I got dressed in simple clothes with my favorite hoodie and headed downstairs, where (Y/N) was helping my bro to make Hot Cakes. It smelled amazing, and the loud noise of dishes clacking and Paps's voice gave the house happiness. I noticed the door that leads to the room of my parents was shut down and locked from the inside, and I had the right to assume they arrived in the morning. Why? Because they would have asked about (Y/N)'s belongings on the couch (that now weren't there), about my muffled sobs, or the steps of the girl walking to my room.

"it smells good, guys" I softly commented in order to let them know about my presence. I always did that on the Underground, and I don't mean to change it any time soon.

"OH, HELLO BROTHER!" Papyrus excitedly waved at me, but was drawn by some signs that the human was making in order to get him to return to his duties. I chuckled. "EXCUSE ME, SANS, BUT I MUST NOT GET DISTRACTED WHILE COOKING!"

"Heya Sans!" (Y/N) said not looking at me, too focused on making breakfast. "Hope the coffee wasn't too cold"

"nah, it was perfect" I lazily answered and smiled wider. "i liked it a latte"

Silence dropped in for a few seconds before they realized the joke, receiving a groan and a giggle. I knew perfectly which was from whom.

"Wow" She said between her giggles "I have no words to espresso how awful that pun was"

Papyrus seemed so shocked and horrified that we both ended up laughing like crazy. He groaned louder and started to whine about how dorky we were. When we ended our laughter fit, breakfast was ready, so we sat down and started to eat. It was nice, way better than eating spaghetti all the damn mornings. I love my bro, but pasta... it sometimes makes me feel upsetti...

Heh.

The evening was great until we started to make breakfast puns. Then it became...

eggcellent.

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GOING TO END BOTH OF YOU!" He screamed at some point.

"Wouldn't that make you a..." She started.

"DON'T!"

"Cereal killer?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"nice one, gal" I smirked at Paps's reaction.

"Oh jeez, I wasn't bready for that compliment" Oh my God, she is such a dork.

"wow, that pun was brewtiful"

A lot of puns came later and brightened my day. After a well-deserved breakfast and some other cups of coffee, we finally went to the school I wanted to inscribe Papyrus in. This time we used a freaking GPS and did our best to don't get distracted. Inscriptions' closure was coming and I did not want to leave my brother without school for a whole semester.

Ebott High School was a huge and modern-looking school owned by the same man that owns the university. However, they (supposedly) weren't correlated. I didn't give a damn, though. I just want the best for my bro for this period of his life. He may decide later what he wants...

Ah, the mere thought of he going away and making a new life breaks my heart. Just as he tends to say, what would I do without a cool guy like him taking care of me? I would probably just go on and ruin my life on alcohol and sleepless nights on beds made of bills. I... I need to be more optimistic towards the future, but is hard. Really hard. I have no abilities- only complex feelings that not even I can comprehend.

We entered and made our way to the reception, where (Y/N) did most of the talking. It was better that way since I felt like saying something stupid. Based on the looks that the receptionist was giving us, I could also say that he wasn't happy with us being here, so it was good for me not to say anything.

After some minutes, we entered a room where we would talk about how the process to join the school would go and many clubs that Papyrus could join after the usual schedules. It was going good, everything was going calm and happy. In that stage of the inscription, of course. The next one, on the other hand...

"I can't believe we are letting a monster access our buildings!" An employee shouted to another, who tried to keep a neutral expression and not to punch his partner on the face. "This is the real life, not some 'let's accept everyone' shit!"

"Dude, he has acceptable grades" The other one answered, seemingly bored and used to that bastard's arguments "The skeleton can even have a scholarship! Why should we not accept him?!"

"But he's incompetent!"

"Hey, if you want to say something, say it to our face!" For my surprise, (Y/N) intervened. Looking at her expression I easily noticed how irritated and annoyed she was by this guy's behavior. At least for a moment, she decided not to act shy and defend... well, she wasn't even defending herself! She was defending Papy...

And before I even got to process everything, the fight escalated further.

"You better shut up, you stupid monster whore!" WHAT THE FU-

"Oh, great! Is that all that you have?!" Welp, she snapped quite quickly. But that's how girls are, right? "Your retarded mind lives on the prehistoric age or what?! We are in the twenty-first century, you freaking moron! Are you really that stupid?! Or are you just so full of yourself you simply can't accept others by. their. fucking. looks?!"

...ok...

Maybe that's NOT how girls usually are...

But if it is, then, I must be wary around them from now on.

"You just want to get him in for your own benefit!"

"Oh, really? Tell me what benefits I'm getting at sending my friend to school. Oh, wait, there are none! I just want him to have a good life because I'm his freaking friend! But I don't expect you to understand, of course, since you have none!" Ok, if I have to be honest, I was trying not to be scared of her at this point.

"Oh, you dare to offend me?"

"More like defending what's right! And if that implies calling you every. single. swearword. I'll do it with pleasure!"

"ok, you guys better calm-" We can say that I tried to calm down the situation, but...

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU FUCKING BAG OF BONES!!!"

"WHO THE FUCK YOU CALL A BAG OF BONES, YOU STUPID, UNHAPPY-WITH-LIFE, SLUT!"

...

...it got worse.

"HEY!" Papyrus screamed, and God knows how many decibels that sound made. "STOP OFFENDING EACH OTHER!"

(Y/N) and that unsatisfied dude looked at each other for a brief second (needless to say, with a LOT of hate) and then back at Papyrus.

"SIR..." My bro started, taking advantage of the guy's attention. "IF YOU ARE NOT OPEN TO RECEIVE SOMEONE DIFFERENT THAN YOU AT THESE BUILDINGS, THEN I MUST SAY I AM REALLY DISAPPOINTED. I-"

"Who the hell you think you are to tell me th-"

"Continue talking and I'll rip off your mouth" Ok, girls scare me. A LOT.

"AS... I WAS SAYING, SIR" Papyrus also seemed scared by the cute, shy and anxious girl's sudden behavior. "I THINK THAT, IF SOMEONE WITH A SIMPLE JOB LIKE YOURS WON'T ACCEPT ME MORALLY, THEN I GUESS THERE'S NO POINT IN TRYING TO APPLY HERE"

"..."

"...Papyrus is right" Finally, she calmed down. "If you really don't want to do your job and accept him as a student, just like everybody else, then I guess I can't force you"

She walked to the exit door and, without a word, we followed her. We three perfectly knew that more words won't make him change his mind. And less if know he was angry with the only human keeping us company.

"Have a good day, sir" And with that, the violent meeting that I never expected to see (less today) ended. We walked out of the school and walked a few meters before I heard the girl sigh.

"I'm... I'm sorry, guys" She gave us a sad, weak smile. She looked like she wanted to beat herself to death. The guilt in her eyes was so unbearable that I had to look away. "I... I probably messed up"

The thing is, that she could have taken it better. I didn't know what to tell her, because she could have cooled down in the first place. As must as I wanted to tell her something good... nothing came out at the moment.

"IT'S NOTHING, HUMAN" Papyrus gave her a smile in return but his had pride and joy. "YOU WERE JUST DEFENDING US! I AM ACTUALLY FLATTERED BY YOUR ACTIONS!"

"But I behaved horribly..." It seemed like the guilt would never disappear. "I could have acted better, not saying swears, goddamnit! But I... I lost my cool... I'm truly sorry"

We remained in silence for a bit. It was becoming more and more painful, and I didn't want her to beat down herself after this incident, so I decided to make a move.

"hey... we all lose our cool sometimes, right?" I smiled weakly, trying to lighten up her expression at least a bit. It didn't work. I sighed and continued, not having any other reasonable choice. "that guy acted like such a bastard to us and to you, (y/n). you just defended yourself, and unfortunately, that's something that we all have to do some time or another. that guy didn't deserve mercy from someone like you. you did the right thing"

"But not the way I-"

"stop livin' in the past, kid" I bet it was easy to notice the worry in my eyes and how my smile was shaking. "you behaved differently from the usual, that's why you feel weird. but you did good"

"...Are you sure?"

"ABSOLUTELY!" Ah, Papyrus. Always cheerful, no matter what.

"T-thanks... so we... are we still f-friends?"

Wait, did she really think she would lose us because of that?

"OF COURSE, HUMAN! YOU CAN NOT GET RID OF US THAT EASILY!"

She smirked, dropping a few tears when she closed her eyes.

She... she was THAT scared?  

"So I... I guess we'll search for another school, then?" She smiled way brighter, and I felt way more at ease.

"I GUESS SO, HUMAN" Papyrus was still smiling with pure joy... how does he do that?

"if... if you don't want to be there, kid, we will understand" I bluntly said, not really thinking before talking. Thankfully, she didn't take it the wrong way.

"H-hey! If I'm not there, then who'll be the human that'll mess up with the bastards?!" She laughed eagerly and, without thinking of anything else, I smiled as well. Seeing her so relieved and calmer was nice- I couldn't do much but to give her a smile in return.

"nice" I smirked. "let's go grab some grub right now, k?"

"SANS! WE ATE LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO!"

"i know. and it's killin' me"

To my delight, she laughed at our conversation. To hear her like that rather than rambling about her "mistakes" puts an idiotic smile on my face. It's so weird.

Ok, calm down Sans.

She's a friend.

There's no way you could-

"Hey, Sans" She smiled sweetly, the gaze in her eyes softening "You've been quiet for a while... is there something wrong?"

...

Shit.

"nah, don't sweat it" My wink was as fake as my confidence... heh. "just thinkin' of somethin'"

"IS THAT SO?" I know this makes me a really messed up big brother, but... for an instant, I forgot about Papy's existence... I'm such an idiot. "MAY WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT, BROTHER?"

Oh hell no.

"nope"

"C' MON!"

"no"

"Sans, hey..." Oh no, not her. Please don't beg me, please, please! "You can tell us anything, okay? I... must admit I am a bit curious, but if it's something deeply personal, then we'll understand..."

And there it was, that so sweet smile of hers.

This is becoming so stupid.

I wanted to forget about it, but it's not easy to forget someone WHEN THAT PERSON IS IN FRONT OF YOU.

"Hey..." God, I remained silent again, didn't I? "Are... are you-"

"i'm fine, don't worry about me...?" Idiot! Why did it come as a question?!

"...You sure?"

"definitely" Wow, that didn't sound suspicious at all, you freaking moron "i'm just a bit... overwhelmed, we can say, for all the sudden changes of these last months"

Well, at least I didn't lie...

I mean, I did, but at the same time, I didn't...

This day should have been called "The day where Sans is more idiotic than usual".

We ended up going to a café to calm down (and to not get back home, since Papyrus didn't want to) and have a drink. Since we didn't succeed in getting him into the school, there weren't now any plans. Just a normal hangout, I guess. It was becoming more difficult to concentrate on the chat they were having, and my mind being a bitch, it decided to think more of... how she is. Why? I have NO FUCKING IDEA.

It's... funny. Funny how she, a human with the capacity to have it all, it's so nervous to show confidence at all. She doubts all her decisions, she thinks she's not good at all, and that no one would truly... like her by the way she is.

I remember that, when I was younger, I used to believe I could do it all. That one day, even, I would free everyone from the Underground. I'm still confident about who I am, and even if I'm lazy and a good for nothing... I'm happy. What scares me is that the kid decides to take away that happiness from me. But overall, I like my life. She, on the other hand, doesn't. And I don't know why...

I want to know why...

Looking at her, the bright smile she had when talking to Papy, the sweet tone of her voice when she asks for anything, and the pleasant light of her eyes... it's not easy to hate yourself when you simply don't have many reasons to. Her shy personality, the way she stutters when she realizes she's being passionate about something, her humble attitude... she is great overall. She has a great heart, why she has self-doubt? Or depression, even?

I'm starting to think too much about this.

I noticed awfully late that I was staring at them, and I looked away when their eyes were already on me. I stared, instead, at my untouched glass of Coke.

"BROTHER?" Oh no. "ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A ROUGH TIME"

"You've been awfully quiet, Sans..." Shit... "Are you sure you are okay?"

"...yeah" I'm so stupid! Yay! "i'm okay, really. just... i was just thinking"

"AGAIN?" Shit, I used the same excuse.

"yep"

They looked at each other for a brief second, back at me, then sighed (surprisingly at the same time).

"sorry" I started, feeling guilty of the worry they had in their looks "i'm just... i'm really just thinking, it's just... weird. my mind's been acting weird lately. and i'm dealing with that"

Wow, I finally said the truth.

"...I see" She smiled again, and I swear to God I. FUCKING. BLUSHED. "It's okay, Sans. We all have our days when our mind seems different, right? With all the changes you guys are having... I bet it's been quite something, isn't it? And, uh... more with what happened earlier, I suppose"

"YEAH, IT'S BEEN WEIRD LATELY" Papy admitted, surprising me a bit. "ESPECIALLY WITH SANS. HE'S NOT ACTING AS HE USED ON THE UNDERGROUND... HE ACTS MORE LIKE WHEN HE WAS ONLY WITH ME AT HOME. HE DIDN'T USE TO SHOW HIS FEELINGS AS MUCH AS HE DOES NOW" Is that so?

"maybe you are right, bro" I winked, trying to put aside my weird feelings and thoughts. "anyway, eh... do you think they'll have any limes here?"

"Limes or lemons?"

"limes"

(Y/N) called out a waitress and asked for limes and... guacamole.

"guacamole?" I raised an "eyebrow" (not sure what to call 'em).

"I'm... I 'm hungry, ok?"

"OH MY GOD, WE ATE LESS THAN TWO HOURS AGO"

"I know, that's why I hate it"

"can we have some?"

"SANS!"

"Sure, you can take however you want"

"I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TELL SANS THAT" My brother (wisely) adviced her. "OR ELSE HE WON'T LEAVE YOU A SINGLE BIR OF IT!"

We both chuckled, and more when the guacamole arrived instantly. Papyrus looked irritated, but as must as he won't admit it, he also took some guacamole now and then. We started to talk about which other schools would be great for him, but it turned out that not even the girl knew too much about it. I suddenly felt how an unnoticeable headache disappeared and my head cleared into the conversation.

And if you are going to ask me "hey, Sans, are you going to use this weird headache as an excuse?" then let me tell you that YES.

"I wasn't born here, you know..." She, again, smiled. And I was trying to calm down, of course. "I'm from a city that is a bit far from Ebott"

"REALLY?" My brother, too, was interested. "HOW FAR?"

"Probably five hours... or maybe a bit less"

"since when you are here, then?"

"Since I was eighteen, I have now four years studying and working here" She continued calmly. like if she was waiting for anyone to ask her about this. Oh lord, isn't she lonely? I pity her. "By that reason, I only started university here... that's maybe why I don't know a lot of high schools around here. I know more about kindergartens, though"

K-kindergartens?

Why would she search for kindergartens?!

Does...

Does she...?

"why?"

"An ol' friend I know since middle school has a kiddo, and I've been trying to help Miranda to have her signed into a good school"

I wanted to sigh out in relief but I realized it would be WAY too weird, so I didn't.

"OH!" Papyrus seemed delighted to hear about a little kid, I guess. "CAN WE MEET THE HUMAN CHILD?"

"Of course!" (Y/N), as well, seemed delighted with the idea to present the kid to us "She is really nice and creative, and my friend is pretty good!"

Now I really sighed this time, not truly wanting to deal with kids. However, they looked pretty enthusiastic about it... I knew my thoughts would not matter. I just hope that the little girl doesn't get scared, or else Papyrus will feel bad with himself. Also, because I don't want to make an early Halloween (and yes, I know about that sick festive day humans do every October. It makes me want to die).

"MIRANDA IS YOUR FRIEND?"

"Ah, yes. And her child is called Miriam"

"WOWIE! I HOPE WE REALLY CAN MEET HER!"

"Yep, I hope so too" She looked at her cellphone for barely two seconds and sighed, seemingly in relief. Then her eyes focused on the empty bowl of guacamole and my empty glass of Coke with a hell lot of limes. "I suppose... I suppose w-we are done eating, right?"

"really? i thought we were getting started" I joked, getting out a small giggle from her and a light groan from my brother.

"WE ARE DEFINITELY OVER WITH THE EATING FOR NOW!" My grumpy brother glanced at me and, naturally, I winked.

"Ok, eh..." She fidgeted a bit, showing a shy smile... how many times I have mentioned her smile by now? "Do you want to, uh, hang out for a bit? I think it's a bit, you know, uh... late for searching a school?"

"i agree"

"YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, SANS!" He scolded me, getting another of my famous winks as a response. "BUT YEAH! WE WILL SURELY BE GLAD TO HANG OUT WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!"

I nodded and we all headed out of the café to go to... wherever. We walked through the streets, hearing the complaining of Papyrus when he saw most of the people on a car. One of Papy's goals is to ride a red convertible, the sun hitting his skin, and the air moving his hair.

Of course, most of it will never happen, but... he sure can have a car. We just don't have enough money.

Oh. That brings me to another point.

I need to get a fucking job.

Gaster, suspiciously, has not been gaining enough money on his nice job. Arial, I don't know what the hell she is doing, and I don't want Papyrus to put his studies aside. I need to get a job, any job I could ever think of. Money is money, whatever we gain will help.

We ended up going to a park, where we gained a couple of stares...

Actually, we got a lot.

Fortunately, (Y/N) seemed to control her irritation this time, so even if other people would try to search a fight, we remained calm. Instead of shouting, she just was sarcastic, but we never got into anything bigger. We sat under a tree, away from people, just talking about any topic. Papyrus and I would constantly ask about the Surface. She, on the other hand, would ask about the Underground. It was nice, and we remained there until eight pm.

"Ah, jeez..." She said when she looked at the time. "I think I should be getting home by now"

"BUT HUMAN, YOU CAN STAY ONE MORE DAY WITH US!" He looked so disappointed it was becoming clearly difficult for her to deny.

"Sorry, Paps" She sadly looked at him, trying to convince him. "I have work tomorrow"

"well..." Oh my God, what are you doing?! "can we at least go with you?"

She looked at me a bit taken-back, my nervousness increasing with every passing second. Papyrus seemed eager with the idea to go with her, so he helped me convince her.

"YES HUMAN!" Nice excuse, bro. "WE SHALL GO WITH YOU!"

"Ah, I... isn't it a bit late?"  

"that's exactly what we mean, kid"

"YES, HUMAN! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!" Why do I feel like I've heard that line before?

"We will need to take the subway, though..."

"no problemo"

"Oh... ah, ok! If you insist..." She may not admit it, but she had a goofy grin on her face. She seemed so eager about it- about not going alone.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddd........ Papyrus squealed so loud I almost thought I turned deaf. I may not have ears, but gosh, that really hurt.

"IT IS SETTLED, THEN!" He struck a heroic pose he used to do a lot on the Underground. "OFF WE GO!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

I don't know why, but the skelebros insisted to go with me to my home. Sans had a calm expression, but Papyrus was really impatient about my answer. After answering yes, he made the loudest squeal that the Earth has ever heard.

We got away from the partially calm environment of the park and went through the city streets, busy as always. Ah, this urban life... I absolutely hate it. It's so monotone that it depresses me every day. It's so boring I can't do much but fantasize about how the Underground could have been. A place with different people, where almost everybody knew each other and the day-by-day events did not involve stupid contamination and cliché campaigns.

Talking about my daily routine, after some minutes we arrived at the subway that tends to take me home every day I go out. As usual, the place was as full as a bar on a messed up weekend. People either coming out from work or carrying their tired kids, the subway stations have become like my second home. For groceries, for work, for even visiting a friend... I go there almost every day, unless I decide to stay home. But that usually doesn't happen.

The glances were there, just like in the park. Judging glances with every step we took, it didn't matter how tired everyone was... they just looked. Hate, amusement, disappointment... no wonder why this world is so fucked up. I didn't say anything for our sake, but I really wanted to kill everyone in the place (except the skeletons) and then myself. However, I should not lose control of myself like that again.

I felt somewhat guilty for having both of the skeletons by my side, when they could have been relaxing on their own home at that precise moment. I must admit, though, that I appreciated the company. Papyrus kept me entertained with various experiences of his past and Sans cracked occasionally a joke or two. It became less unbearable, and the glances soon stopped to be a burden.

Before I could tell, we were already at my station. We went out of the subway and headed to my little old apartment. The younger brother insisted on being with me until I arrived safely, and the older brother just went along with it. Just a step inside the "living room" and I remembered that episode on the bathroom... about the mirror, I mean!

I'm a fucking mess.

When they left me, teleported by Sans's skills, the loneliness hit me. I started to do my usual night ritual, but it felt really odd. Like... like if I haven't done it before.

God, I miss my old life. When I was a freaking kid with no cares in this world.

I miss my father.

I miss my friends.

I miss...

I miss my home.

I miss it so much.

I looked over the place and realized how messy it was. Papers on the main and small table, a weird ball of blankets on top of my bed, a lot of fast food trash on the couch, tons of dishes in the kitchen, and dry blood on the bathroom. Everything was disorganized, no signs of the girl I used to be when I was still studying. When I was still with him.

I went to my closet, which unsurprisingly had bunches of clothes accumulated, and searched for my old cellphone. I was feeling so nostalgic and blank that I needed to remind myself what was real and what wasn't. I was so sad that I wanted a reason to stop thinking of the present and cling on the past.

Sans's words hit me: "Stop living in the past". It is so true about myself that it hurts. It hurts a lot.

I use to think about my past a lot- the mistakes I made, the happy moments I had, my past nightmares, my old ambitions... it is so strange how things changed so quickly. How I stopped being that cheerful kid and started to be this always-tired woman.

After some tough research, I found that cellphone I got when I was about to leave middle school. Ah, that day. I was so happy I took like two hundred photos in less than an hour, most of them starring my smiling dad and me.

Tears fell down my face when I got to see those photos again. Each of one reminded me of phrases he used to tell me. Of how proud he was of me. Of how hopeful he was towards the future. MY future.

He promised me so many times that I was going to become the best scientist in all the world. That I would be the difference. That I would change everything and be the hope for a lot of people. And now, I'm not even the hope of myself. I can't even look at the mirror and stop myself from cringing of what I see. A stupid, messy, horrible human that has done nothing but destroy herself.

Sniffs turned into sobs as the time passed and the images showed. There were also photos of my favorite restaurants, of Miranda and me, of all the projects I was proud of, of my baseball cards, of my three-year-old drawings... of my proud and happy expression. It was so heartbreaking to think I was her. I was that child with bright (e/c) eyes and lively smile. That kid that used to play baseball pretty good and had an unhealthy but wonderful obsession with the Red Sox players. That child... that smart and productive child.

Sobbing turned into crying when a photo of my mother and me showed up. Ah, that woman- I loved her so much before she turned her back on both of us. Before she started to fight with dad about everything. Before she told me everything was my fault. That nostalgic picture, she carrying me with the proudest smile and me kissing her cheek with a proud smile.

It hurts so much.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts...

I wished someone else could understand why.

Why, out of everything that has happened, I'm mostly only proud of who I once was.

Why those smiles I showed mean more to me than anything.

Why my eyes seem so different.

wHy i hATE mE SO mUCh.

More photos of the three of us were there. It was so painful to notice the genuineness in our expressions. Of how wonderful and innocent our happy times were. Of how we supported each other in the hard days. Of how, even if the day was bad, we gathered together and played, laughed, hugged...

I wanted to scream. To let out all the pain and go back to that small, cheerful world. As much as I try to be happy and proud of what I'm doing now, my mind continues to shout that I did better on the past and that it doesn't matter how hard I try, because I will never be that kid again. Now I have people that try to support me. I have people that, indeed, are trying to help me get through this. Hell, I even know someone that has that same feeling of dread.

I remembered how helpless Sans looked the day before, of how devoid of hope he seemed. How desperate he was for having someone, ANYONE, to hold him and tell him that is okay to cry. It's... it's funny. It's so funny how he is a happy comedian to everyone on the outside, but the inside is more than that.

This is not a joke.

This is not a FUCKING JOKE.

That's the life of a desperate monster we are talking over here. Of a devastated brother that tries to help him in any way. Of an oblivious mother that will soon regret leaving him alone. Of a disappointed father that will shed tears if he finds out what he had done.

While I'm crying, a lot of people are, too. Their tears, like mine, remain lost in the never-ending darkness that their life has become. Silent screams that they need to say out loud, but they can't. Because they are alone. They feel alone, as much as I do. Or even worse. And thinking that someone is in a worse situation than I am... it's not recomforting. It truly isn't.

I changed my clothes into my usual pajama. I did my nightly ritual, just as I do every day. But this time, I stood in front of the broken mirror, looking at the distorted version of me it reflects. I put my sleeves up only to reveal all the cuts I created. It looked like a sad painting of someone trying to escape.

And that's exactly what I am right now.

[bluedino15]

Semi-Rant

Welp, This is kinda awkward. See, I love most of the new episode of Glitchtale. A lot. There were some things that made me giddy like a little child, and also a few moments that had me laugh a bit (for good reason, not bad). However, there was one problem about it that really, REALLY bugged me (in case the title is not obvious enough). Not enough to ruin the episode, I would rank it as a B or B+ overall, and I absolutely cannott deny how much work and love went into it. But I am more naturally inclined to let off steam about anything I dislike, and writing a post like this helps me calm down, even though I realize it changes nothing and at the end of the day Cami is her own writer who has no obligation to care about this. Below, read at your own peril a rant about the one thing that has been bothering me for a good 6 hours or so: a Goatmom. Or, just go along; probably a better use of your time. As for all you mobile readers; you might wanna start scrolling fast

See, I’m a big Toriel fan. She’s probably my favorite character in Undertale. Now i don’t dislike Asgore, or see him as a horrible monster being; I think he and Toriel are both flawed in their actions, and while I slightly side with Toriel, I don’t think Asgore is without justification in his own actions. i just don’t personally like him as much. Meanwhile, from everything I’ve seen her post, Cami does NOT like Toriel that much, or at least, she thinks what Toriel did to Asgore is terrible. Asgore is also one of her favorite characters I believe. So bias obviously factors into all of this. Now, what things are notable about How toriel is presented in previous episodes? She’s generally been a semi-background character (I’d say the same level of relevance as Papyrus was until Love Part 2, and she got more of it here so that’s not horrible)

She hasn’t really gotten any major action sequence, like when the school got attacked and she fought mostly offscreen (but to be fair, tall figures and fireballs are both hard to animate, and that battle wasn’t the focus of the episode, plus she has had a moment or two and she also has gotten to serve as a healer)

When it looks like there’s a bigger Akumu drone, Asgore has to step in and slightly humiliate her with the fire thing (though it’s not wrong of Asgore to help given he does seem like more of a fighter, it was more of a joke, and Toriel was probably just briefly surprised and could have managed)

Arguing with Asgore (but this is a tense situation, and it’s somewhat natural they would come to verbal blows normally given their history)

Asgore gets way more time with Asriel then her (but the game does seem to imply he was always somewhat closer, so it’s not that bad)

Trying to stop Frisk, and getting a cut hand and hurt feelings from it (to be fair, Frisk was trying to be an emotional jerk and it does have more impact than if Frisk had done that to Asgore)

So, not the most flattering depictions, but not terrible in any way, and understandble that it’s impossible to keep writer bias fully in check.

Episode 5 however, kicks writer bias into overdrive

To start, there’s relatively harmless stuff, like Toriel still being more of a healer than fighter, then there’s Frisk basically yelling at her that trying to stay and help Asriel is super stupid which, while a little mean, obviously isn’t wrong and Frisk would be pretty tense naturally, though the fact that it comes after the big problem and it feels more like Frisk basically yelling at her for failing kind of acts like the metaphorical cherry on top of the sundaes bellow.

First, there’s the argument with Asgore. And how do we “know” Toriel is wrong of the bat? Why, she uses the title of queen when she clearly hasn’t done anything for the throne! Except, you know, she really doesn’t show the highest attachment to the position, including telling Frisk she would rather not go by her wedded name, the one seemingly attaching her to the throne. And there’s also the fact that she IS a teacher at this school and this basically does put kids in crossfire, which, even for war, is something you generally want to avoid if possible. But, instead of debating the part that, you know, actually matters more, Asgore instead points out how she abandoned the kingdom. Now, in of itself, I don’t think the idea is terrible, because it’s true Toriel could have tried to convince Asgore otherwise or try and convince monsterkind to live in peace, even if they can’t break the barrier. I think it’s a little odd for Asgore to push this idea now, but hey, he’s probably stressed and tired of constant arguing and this has probably been bugging him, so fine. Therefore, Toriel is. . . not allowed to have input at all on her own school being used as a battleground because of the past. Okay, sure, whatever. Oh, but Toriel needs to look like a bitch who can’t get the message, so we’ll have her throw a low blow about human kids and Asgore, just to make sure she’s being a bitch about it. All so Asgore can tell her he had the “guts” to not kill one child, go outside, get more souls and quickly free everyone, nor try to push his kingdom on the path to pacfism if he preferred it and thought escape was pointless, but instead he . . . just waited for children to fall so that anyone entering the underground had to fight or die regardless of innocence, making his people wait generations longer than they need to, all because he was too cowardly to either do what they wanted, or stand against them because killing children might slightly piss off the surface (and oh look at that, it did in “My Sunshine”). And Toriel just has the saddest face, to prove how she realizes she’s so utterly selfish. Obnoxious sarcasm aside, I won’t seriously deny Toriel has problems; it’s clear part of her general protectiveness is because she’s still can’t get over her own past with children, and she puts her need to care for children in front of their own ideas, and of what everyone wanted. But Asgore is also pointed out to not exactly be acting in a way best for anyone but himself either, as he set up the situation in such a way he can’t feel that guilty for killing any human who comes down and satisfy the underground, but he also can see it so that he still doesn’t have to fight and go against his own nature to “do what’s right,” instead he’s “forced.” Both of them are kind of fucked up, and if you think Toriel fucked up more, fine, but don’t act like Asgore was doing what was best and being a selfless saint. Oh, and also Toriel doesn’t seem like the type to give a rats ass about her role to the kingdom given how she’s so distant from ruins monsters and never tired to go out and stop the others, as if she saw them beyond redemption? It is a terrible trait, but it also means she wouldn’t care that much if Asgore told her she abandoned a kingdom she thought lost. But we need to make sure she felt bad.

Then there’s the Asriel scene. It has some of that base “she abandoned her kingdom” argument which, fine, I think you can say that. And hey, perhaps you could have dived into the fact that she did essentially replace him and his sibling, something Flowey showed a level of resentment for. Alternatively, that she specifically abandoned Asgore when she could have tried to turn him, and that would especially hurt from her child who was a little closer to Asgore, and could see them being seperated as part of why he couldn’t feel joy, especially with hate clouding his judgement to make him forget Flowey couldn’t feel emotions anyway. Nope, Asriel still bothers to talk about the same kingdom that would likely spit on her ideas for the first set of years after she left Asgore, because THAT’S what we need to see her as awful for.

But, hate accentuates bad feelings far beyond their normal degree, and besides, surely Asgore probably pissed Flowey/Asriel in some way that bites him in the ass here, even if less so, right? Wait, what’s that? he really doesn’t besides the implied annoyance that he killed humans when Asriel went out of his way not to? And also that he needs to be the one getting beaten up so both we and Toriel feel bad for him? Meanwhile Toriel gets to look useless because her terribleness pisses Asriel off? O--Ok.

And then there’s the worse part. How Asriel relates being angry about being killed and when he saw what his parents did. It almost makes you think maybe it’s about Asgore this time. but look closely. He’s saying “you” right after Toriel asks him to stop, so he’s referring to what she did. When he’s saying “you had murdered 6 of them in cold blood” He’s calling Toriel the murderer. What was “old man Asgore” doing? Just throwing a fit. Because Toriel was the one putting kids on a trident. Toriel was the one who instructed the royal guard to capture/kill all humans. Oh wait, that was Asgore. Well, at least Toriel had aggressively agreed to Asgore’s angry declaration. Toriel had put the pressure on Asgore by wishing for a desire to be free as it was worth human blood. Oh wait, that was the kingdom. Look, it’s true Toriel doesn’t do enough for the children necessarily. She could have tried to persuade her people, or at least asgore, to change. She could have accompanied the humans right up to Asgore and made sure they were safe. Maybe it could even be argued she could have kept them locked in the ruins, restricted but alive. Heck, maybe even give her soul up to at least one human so they can cross without having to kill. So yes, she could have done way more. But she’s the true murderer? she’s the one who set up a culture willing for humans to die, or the one that sloppily fulfilled the kingdom’s request because it was what felt best for her? If it was just Asriel being corrupted by hate, and we at least saw some contempt for asgore as well, beyond saying he had a “fit” I might not be quite so incredulous. But Cami has at least hinted at this opinion before. This is meant to be a serious, “see Toriel actually sucks” moment. Any good qualities she has besides healing magic and a naive hope Asriel would like her are non-existent, her failings have made her a cold-blooded killer. And tons of people will either parrot this and start painting toriel like the devil, or anyone who says “why are you so anti-Toriel” will be called a retard and all that other stuff for liking someone as “awful” as Toriel (though, that does not mean I would condone being all “OMG Toriel is the best character, how could you be such a fucking bitch KYS", those people are straight idiots. I just fear non-idiots are going to get lumped in that). I guess this is what 2015 Asgore fans apparently felt like?

Whew, got that snarky, angry sarcasm out of my system. Again, and I want to emphasize this point for anyone who thinks the center of this is how I view the whole episode, that’s not the case, although if you honestly can’t believe that, I would not blame you considering six-eight paragraphs of complaining followed by “but it’s not that bad honestly” must look hilariously BS. It’s way easier to go off writing on everything you don’t like about something than everything you do like, and I just don’t see how I can add much to any thoughts by making six paragrapghs about how the basic things I like are “so awesome”. This was otherwise a great episode. I loved the music, I love Papyrus and his interactions with Gaster, i love Frisk bringing back Chara and some of the comedy in it, I love the random game face Frisk pulls, I love the heart to heart with Undyne and Jessica, the Bete noire looks super awesome in it’s true form, and the moment when it powers up is beautifully animated, especially for a fan cartoon, as well as just it’s general threatening when it confronts Frisk again. And in of itself, I thought the idea of Asriel with hate and fear was cool, and his look, attacks, and that moment where Frisk saves Asgore from him at last second with a tackle was awesome. but everything about Toriel in this episode pisses me off so much, and I feel like i need to let off steam somewhere. It really doesn’t ruin the episode itself, but i feel like, ironically given it’s the big battle sequence and those are usually the parts everyone talks about and makes fanart of, the Dremurrs plot was not handled well here. And again, i realize it’s both my own bias, and the fact that it is really hard to keep a bias in check while writing, so it’s somewhat an unfortunate inevitability, and writing out my complaints helps me cope I guess. If you still enjoy that part as well, don’t let me take away your enjoyment, even if I find it strange. 

( P.S. if you’re a mobile reading going bottom to top, you might wanna start scrolling up fast)

[antirealisation]

my (current) best description of my multiplicity

I guess I’ll start with actual experiences then try for explanations (also, trying to focus on present-tense stuff, but I easily slip into talking about pre-system affairs so uh, no promises)

I have a hard time describing myself. I feel like I don’t really have A Self the way most people do, like I’m just picking up pieces of shattered selves and trying to make shit work. Mostly the way I act ends up feeling like a mask. I have ridiculous mood swings, even feeling multiple strong conflicting emotions at once. This includes unstable opinions and beliefs about things, notably around my presence here (punishment/brief period of safety/interesting new story/nothin’ but neurons) and around Him, though there are more innocuous changes too. Seems to avoid some things, though, like favorite drinks or aesthetic doesn’t really change.

I have access to different memories at different times. Some memories are completely contradictory accounts of the same event. I often feel these contradictions in the moment as my voice yelling at myself in my head. I can identify some patterns in my memories (“ah yes, the furry childhood”), masks (“I guess this is the Wise Angel persona?”), and moods (“feeling punished, nothing but affection for my god? Welp I sure am a Green.”) I tried to track this for a bit, but sorta gave up; it’s not like X self goes with X opinions and X memories, there’s some tendencies (like “goodfeels tends to have good memories of Him”) but a lot of things seem to occur in whatever pattern.

I sometimes get told of conversations I’ve had (with the kids or Val) but don’t remember having (first-hand, outside of shared memory pool). I don’t have any clear case of recovering those lost memories, though, not in this system. Though, I once was fronting and got sorta lost and couldn’t imagine what the current house looked like, I could only imagine the previous one, buy we figured shit out eventually, haha that was a weird one wasn’t it. Sometimes I look back at things on this blog, even very recent things, and go “why the fuck would I have written that? Who the fuck”

What I think is going on:

Imagine a bunch of fragments. They each encompass some minor thing, like a set of memories or an emotion or desire, though some might be a more complete combination of self-image+goals+mood+etc. than other “single aspect of traumatic memory” ones. They can’t do anything on their own – at least, without being super dysfunctional. But they can group together to make a (more or less) complete person. (“Bigger” fragments need less help; some hardly seem to get anywhere no matter how much joining together there is, see: flashback hell.) The vast majority of the time, only one person exists like this at a time; fragmented thoughts might “leak through” (passive influence) but they can’t really “interact”, since that implies multiple people, and they aren’t people. If I say something like “I hate Reds” it’s less like “I hate those separate entities designated as Reds” and more “I hate myself for getting the anger/defensiveness/shitty memories that we’ve associated with the "Red-type fragments”“ (Though, as you can see right there, I do still sometimes feel more like a "we” :T)

Mr. Goddamn Potato Head, parts that aren’t anything on their own until you stick them in some configuration onto one thing. (And sometimes that configuration is… a mess. Please he doesn’t need two mouths and no eyes, give him at least some opinion about his current situation otherwise that’ll just be a Big Ole Blank that makes everything flat and unlivable.)

Would probably be very difficult to try to map each fragment individually ;P And frankly, it leaves me sorta at a loss of how to actually follow certain standard pieces of advice, like “fight amnesia by increasing intra-system communication” (how, when I’m only one person at a time, and when I’m not, it’s usually in crisis situations?) I guess I try to treat it more like CPTSD and BPD (hence the leaning towards just saying “secondary structural dissociation”, even despite there being multiple fragments whose purposes and actions are more ANP-like, hah), but that doesn’t always seem to get at issues like “ask me tomorrow whether I’m here as punishment, as a respite, or some weird unknowable divine duty, and you’ll get a completely different answer! :D” or “Why am I being so intellectual and wordy, I didn’t think I was someone who cared about fitting myself into theory, or knowing about that theory at all?? Whomst??” And it certainly doesn’t help with feelings that I’m Doing Things Wrong, that this isn’t how any real system would work, clearly Serpent is just a shitty unrealistic imitation of what he claims to be, and all that.