#i took the test twice

[againtodreaming]

here y'all go, just a simple fun one this time around! take this quiz and tell me what kind of cat you are! (=^･ω･^=)

[qualityrain]

[yamada-ryo]

東京駅。

[stars-webcore]

this is weird but I wanna go up to dr reflex and say "FUCK YOUR DAMN TESTS" and see how he reacts

(this was a thought I had jsjsjsj)

he doesnt like it when you insult his work like that.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[candycryptids]

I did it I... finished my hair mashup... HOOGH... I'll post it later when I can get an image done for it ;v;

I had to rebuild it entirely from the start cos I borked the normals the first time but this time... this time I fucking fixed it.. and even better... Viera ears dont float TT_TT

It's gonna be called Insomniac because of the character it's based on uwu (Its Eve Mayari from Eaternal Nocturnal)

[aurorashard]

.

[kraniumet]

sjdgdj I'm still bitter about an exam (essay answers. 16 questions, average 250 words required per question (150-350), you lost TWO POINTS for writing even one word less than designated, even if answering everything specified correctly, time: 08:00-14:00, allowed to use the reading material and googling as reference) with a question about the specific mechanisms of an obscure camera model used by pre-hollywood victor sjöström. now the thing is. that information is nowhere on the internet. the closest info is a sourceless pdf about another 1920s camera they also used. mechanism not described. the real answer was probably described in a scanned handout of a book that wasn't part of our course material. THAT OUR PROFESSOR MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN HE NEVER GIVE US

[royaldeceit]

Where should you be kissed?

Palm

You give and give. You are a gentle heart, broken but still standing... Always lending a hand for those who need it, expecting nothing in return. You deserve someone taking your hand and kissing your open palm, the hands which have selflessly helped so many others.

Tagged by: @silverymusings Tagging: any palm kissers here

[nofunclvb]

hit the level of being depressed where i'm sad shopping tell me why my card flagged me for fraud LMAOOOO

[tarmac-rat]

Side note I find it really funny when I sometimes see posts of people discovering the Johnny mirror glitch and going "Oh wow I've played the game so much and I've never seen this before!" because I kid you not there was a point in time where I'd want to use the mirror to change up Riley's looks and there was a 50% chance I would proc the mirror glitch without wanting to

[raeathnos]

.

[sl33py-g4m3r]

had an eye doctor appointment since the one last year~~

my vision hasn't changed I think~~ is what they said.

insurance let me get new frames and lenses this year~~ so now I'll have 2 of the same prescription to wear~~

found some frames that match the pastel aesthetic i have going on, and the lens tint I have will work really well with them~~~

in bad news I've got a cataract in my good eye now~~~ as one of the nurses or someone helping me with glasses said "welcome to adulthood" so I guess that just happens huh?

if they ever wanted to operate on it; it'll be a last resort, so that hopefully nothing makes me lose the only vision that I have~~

hopefully it's not a fast growing one and messes with my vision really bad~~ :(

I don't want to lose what little vision I have~~~ I couldn't play video games anymore~~~ :(

I hope I'm not taking my vision for granted~~ I hope I'm not~~~ idek what that means tho right off hand~~

there's so much awesome stuff to see~~ sunsets, sun rises, clouds, rain, the plants that you're growing getting slowly bigger~~~ your sibling's adorably photogenic cat~~~~

I couldn't dream of losing the entirety of my vision :((((((

anxiety didn't get to me cause I finally took an "as needed" propranolol before the appointment~~~ and things went fine~~~

[mishkakagehishka]

If i had a nickel for every time my irresponsible brother and his friends brought actually kinda serious illnesses upon me i'd have three nickels which isn't a lot but the court could bring this post up if they're looking for a motive

[sysig]

Everything day

[aastarions]

whoever invented private healthcare should be tortured in the worst ways imaginable