#i took 7 years of it and am still very very bad at it

[youcantkillamutant]

reading this insanely wonderful piece (?), work (?), analysis (?) by @plutoslvr and really deeply thinking about Kevin leaving after his hand was broken. And just thinking about how fear doesn't always make you a coward, and Kevy, oh Kevy...is the perfect example of that. I don't even remember what happened in cannon or EC at this point so I'm just imagining Jean finding Kevin in the locker room or something and idk falling to his knees in front of him, whispering in French.

"What have they done to you?" and Kevin, ever the perfect piece of property goes

"It was my fault. My fault. I did this. I made him do this." and Jean knows what Riko sounds like. Knows how Riko's words sound when they're forced past Kevin's teeth, but he knows the pain of ignoring them too, of deviating from the script given to them by their Master. And then he looks down again, and he sees so, much, blood. They will kill him. He thinks. He knows. He knows. And as much as he hates Kevin for being number 2, for having the illusion of privilege in this rotted basement, he loves him more. This is the boy he taught French to. This is the boy who whispered corrections to him in the hallway, who pushed him just enough on the court to keep his coveted 3, who tried time and time again to distract Riko from his own maniacal decline. It didn't work. They knew it wouldn't. This is the boy who made him promise to stay. Made him promise to stay alive and showed him every day how to be brave. How surviving every hour made him braver, stronger, truer, than anyone on their court.

"You must leave. Now." And the words were rushed from his lips but he could only see the blood as he said over and over again, maintenant, maintenant, maintenant Kevin. S'il te plait. And Kevin, Kevin who never imagined that this could be his life, who knew only the Court and Exy and Riko, Riko, Riko, shook his head so furiously his vision swam. It was the blood loss, he thought, distantly.

"You cannot play." The words were nothing, it was the truth of them that cut Kevin to the bone. If he couldn't play, he was nothing. He was hardly anything to begin with, not with Riko standing before him, but now? Kevin opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came. Jean, for the first time in a long time, touched his face. Cupped his cheeks and pulled his eyes to his.

"They will kill you. You must go." But Kevin was already shaking his head, already shivering, already crying. His good hand clutched at Jean's forearm, reveling in the warmth. How could someone be so warm in a place this cold, he wondered. But it was Jean. Jean had always been brilliant.

"I can't." And the words were choked from him, and his vision was swimming but Jean was there, holding him up, holding him.

"Two years ago I made you a promise." Jean was quiet now, speaking the words into the scant space between them.

"You made me promise to never take myself away from you. To stay alive." Kevin breathed, and clutched Jean's arm tighter, fighting away the memory of that night, of all the blood.

"You must promise me the same Kevin. Do not take yourself away from me."

"I can't."

"You must." then, quieter, foreheads touching, noses bumping, lips a hair's breadth away. "Leave." Jean breathed in the scent of him, the salt from his tears and the metallic tang of his blood, and even deeper than that, the clovers and the pine and the cinnamon. He looked in his eyes, the greenest things he'd ever since since coming down to this place, and knew it would be the last time. Another breath, just one more, and then,

"Partir."

[kanene-yaaay]

Hmmm life sucks so u know what that means

Time for the FLUFFIEST HURT/COMFORT hidden in my bookmarks

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[prickly-paprikash]

Pushing aside the fact that I am, quite possibly, a Kendrick fan—disregarding my biases, I think Drake needs to stop. Push Ups was a good diss. Surface level, vapid, but it possessed that mean, petty spirit that carries a diss track all the way. Even bringing up accusations that are, realistically speaking, unlikely still works because a diss is supposed to show just how much you hate a person and how cleverly you can bring it.

Taylor Made was weird. I get that it was a strategy. Drop the main diss first and then drop this one to really prod at Kendrick. Using Pac and Snoop AI voices sucks though. Distilling Kendrick as Taylor's underling also doesn't work because Kendrick only collaborated with her once (twice when they remade Bad Blood) and that's it. Meanwhile Drake is out here always looking for new, up and coming artists to pounce on their trends or cling to established artists. Then it got taken down, because of course it would have been. You used 2Pac's voice. Did you really think his estate, his family, wouldn't do anything?

So he bought Pac's ring and used his voice without permission. More and more we see just how much of a vulture Drake is.

And then Euphoria drops.

Your first diss was met with solid reactions. Your second got taken down. Kendrick drops on a random hot Tuesday, and in a matter of hours surpasses your numbers that took weeks to accumulate. Kendrick did that. Euphoria was also harsh, clever, and sounded so good that people kept replaying it over and over again. Once more, Kendrick schools you.

A few insiders then say that Drake will drop that night. Right after. But he then allegedly gets cold feet. A few hours later from when Drake was supposedly ready to drop but backs out, Kendrick drops 6:16 in LA.

In your previous disses, you begged Kendrick to drop something with quintuple entendres. Euphoria did that. But he took it a step further by naming his second diss 6:16 in LA.

June 16: Father's day. Referencing the fact that Drake has been proven to be a deadbeat father.

June 16, 1971: Tupac's Birthday. Kendrick idolizes him. Drake steals from him.

June 16, 2019: First episode of Euphoria drops. A show Drake is listed as a producer on. A show about underage girls entering a life of sex, substance abuse, and more. Things that Drake has been accused of repeatedly in the past.

June 16, 2011: in June 2, 2011, Kendrick posted on his twitter that there will be a concert at Toronto on 6/16. Allegedly this is where Drake and Kendrick first met.

6:16 AM: The time of release for this track.

6:16: Multiple possible Bible verses, given Kendrick's Christian background.

Other claims felt like reaches though, so I'll stick to that.

The final two lines of 6:16 also reference the Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, and their song "You Are Not Alone". Drake, who has always claimed he is Michael Jackson or at the very least his equal/successor, is now tied to him in a way he does not want. Because we know all of the dirt that came out after MJ's death. We all know what R. Kelly was sent to prison for. And we all know what Drake has been accused of multiple times.

Kendrick also alludes to the fact that you have a leak in your circle, Drake.

So Drake drops Family Matters. A scathing 7 minute song that makes fun of the GKMC van. Saying that Kendrick's daughter isn't his. Saying that his wife cheats on him with security. Saying that he beats his wife.

Now, these are enormous accusations levied. But Kendrick has responded before, years ago, that the DV accusations were false. He has also always been open about his faults. Adultery. Sex addiction. Insecurity. God complex. Kendrick, for better or worse, has always laid out nearly every aspect of his younger life on his songs. This also helped by the fact that in both Euphoria and 6:16, Kendrick says that Drake has spent millions on finding dirt on him but came up with nothing. Again, these accusations can still be proven true and if so, Kendrick needs to be held accountable for them.

But if not? Then Drake just adds another to the pile of "He's a liar and a master manipulator."

Drake also posts a Parody on his Insta that gains little to no attention because 30 minutes after dropping Family Matters and supposedly going on his victory lap, Kendrick drops meet the grahams.

Another thing. 6:16's cover was a glove. That meant nothing to us, the audience. meet the grahams makes it make sense by zooming out of the glove and showing off a shirt and drugs that Drake supposedly uses. Drake has not had any receipts with his accusations against Kendrick. Kendrick puts Drake's supposed prescription, his full name, on a bottle of Ozempic. Kendrick, for now, seems to make good on his threat. OvO, Drake's company, is full of leaks. And they're leaking it straight to Kendrick Lamar.

Nearly 24 hours later, Kendrick drops Not Like Us.

Euphoria was a general character dissection and assassination of Drake: Insecure about his identity as a biracial man. Culture Vulture. Blaccent user. Code switcher. Fake abs. Womanizer. Misogynist. Using black features just to feel black enough. A deadbeat dad that knows nothing of raising a child. And even revokes Drake's ability to use the N-Word (I have no stake in that I am Asian so I will keep my brown mouth shut for that).

6:16 in LA was an ominous threat that slowly reveals that Kendrick has insider information on Drake. That he is ready to leak so much more should Drake continue.

meet the grahams is a brutal open letter to Drake, his parents, and even to Adonis, Drake's son. Saying that Kendrick could be a better mentor to Adonis. Saying that Drake abandoned you and that's not your fault. Don't be like your father—whatever anyone says, for better or worse, you are a black man and don't code switch just to make yourself feel better. He says that Drake failed his mother for what he did to women. Saying that Drake's father is the cause of his gambling issues. Drake is a body shamer. Leaving the mother of his children to rot. And of course, the reveal that Drake has a secret daughter, the same way Pusha T revealed Drake has a son. Adonis.

And of course, now. Not Like Us. Where Kendrick goes all in on one topic that he has alluded to in every diss track before. Drake is a groomer. A pedophile.

I am sick. I should not be tuning into this beef. But my fever can go ahead and end me, I need to know how this ends.

[prettymonegasque]

not acceptable

Charles Leclerc x fem!driver! reader

Summary: Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do when your pretty boyfriend is a lil dumb

Warnings: Excessive cursing, Lando slander, grown men sharing a single brain cell, fluff?

Word Count: 1.3k

Based on my favourite scene in Schitt’s Creek

In all the two years you’ve been in Ferrari, the speculations and rumours of you dating Charles were non-stop. Neither of you paid much attention to it. You were both in happy relationships. However, that changed in the summer of ‘22 when you broke up with your partner. It wasn’t messy and you both agreed it was for the better. You focused on the rest of the season. 

Fast forward to the summer of ‘23, you and Charles were both single. You decided to give in to the speculations and give the relationship a real shot. You went on a few dates, each one being more fun than the previous one. Yet neither of you took the leap to become exclusive. You both liked each other but it wasn’t said out loud as much as you would’ve wanted to. So when Charles invited you to a game night with his friends, you thought it would be the one where he introduced you as his girlfriend. 

You knocked on his apartment door at 7 pm. You had brought a charcuterie board because you panicked and the first thing your mind thought was cheese. 

“Y/N! Come in.” Charles opened the door and hugged you. You tried your best to return while managing the charcuterie board. He laughed at your struggle, took the board from your hand and led you in. You spotted some familiar faces in the room. “Hey, guys. This is Y/N. My teammate as you know.” To risk being dramatic, the only description for what you felt was “death by a thousand cuts”. You still forced a smile and greeted everyone. You took a seat on the sofa next to Charles. “You brought a charcuterie board?” Pierre asked puzzled. “Dibs on gouda.” Yelled a familiar Brit.

**************

For the next few hours, you forced yourself to forget about your “teammate” and focus on the game instead. To everyone’s surprise, you were very good at Monopoly. You had already collected over $7000 worth of assets. You were more than happy to win by default. Arthur suggested Uno and everyone complied. You had never played it before which made the group very happy. 

When you got your cards you leaned over to Charles and whispered “What the fuck should I do now? ” Charles peeked at your cards and by instinct you shied them away from him. “You have to show me the cards so I can tell you what to do.” He laughed. You rolled your eyes and showed him the cards. “How the hell did you get 3 +4 cards?” “Why? Is that bad?” “No no. It is very good and I am very grateful my turn is before you.” “I am gonna crush these motherfuckers” You silently giggled.

“Y/N your turn,” Andrea called out. You placed the +4 card on the table. “Seriously?” Lando sighed and took 4 cards from the deck. “I thought you'd never played this before.” “I haven’t. I’m just that good, Norris.” “You know you could put all the +4 cards at once? ” Charles whispered in your ear. When your turn came again you placed both your +4 cards down. “Oh come on. You’re an absolute ass.” Lando exclaimed. “You just got destroyed by a UNO rookie, Lando” Pierre doubled over in laughter. “Also you have only one card left. You can call out UNO” Arthur nudged you. “UNO!” You yelled. “Well, I guess we have a winner. ” Lorenzo sighed and folded.

You started feeling a little guilty. Your winning spree kept cutting the game short. It didn’t look like anyone was having any fun. Even if Charles isn’t going to introduce you as his girlfriend, you still want his friends and brothers to like you as Charles’ girl. Charles brought in Scrabble as his last resort. He wasn’t expecting to go through 2 games so quickly. You were chosen as the judge. You promised yourself to go easy on everyone. You weren’t sure if you were making a good impression on everyone but boy did your ego love this. 

**************

“What do you mean ‘rizz’ isn’t accepted?” Arthur yelled. “Mate it isn’t in the dictionary.” “Then why does everyone call Lando ‘NoRIZZ’?” “Hey!” “I consider it as an acceptable word. We know the meaning. It exists. It’s a word.” You chimed in. “Thank you!” Arthur smiled and added 13 points to himself. The game continued and you limited yourself to simple words. And you accepted every word regardless of how ridiculous it was. 

“Yes Pierre ‘Fuck’ is a word.” 

“I mean we all know what ‘OMG’ is”

“Sure, Charles. You can make Frenglish words.” 

You could physically feel the pain from the insanity of some words but you were on a mission. You nodded and smiled and carried on. The words became chaotic by the minute. Your last straw was when Lando argued that “Skibidi” should be accepted. 

“That’s it. I can’t take this shit anymore. I respect the game too much to put up with this. You are way too old to use the word ‘Skibidi’, Lando.” “Yeah so wrong, Lando” Pierre fakes disappointment. “You! Fuck is not acceptable.” “Not acceptable. Yes sorry, Y/N” He bites back a laugh. “OMG!? Are you kidding me?” “I wasn’t.” Lorenzo shakes his head. “And my boyfriend sits there looking pretty and wanting to make up Frenglish words. THAT’S NOT EVEN A LANGUAGE. NOT ACCEPTABLE!” 

“I’m sorry. What did you just say?” Charles looked up at you. “I said Lando is old.” You tried to shift the conversation. “Why the fuck am I getting slandered?” “No. I think it was something about your boyfriend being pretty and making up words.” Charles redirects you. “Um... I don’t remember saying that.” You mumbled. “Yeah no. That’s what we heard. Right Arthur?” Pierre snickered. 

“Hey if my girlfriend says Frenglish isn’t acceptable then it isn’t, guys” Charles smirked. “Or it is. I don’t remember saying it.” You shrugged. “So you can do whatever you like.” The ceiling looked much more interesting than the gorgeous green eyes looking at you. “I think our work is done here. Let’s go guys.” Lando stood up. “And what exactly was that work, Norizz?” You called out as everyone was walking out the door chattering. Lando just smiled at you and closed the door. 

You and Charles remained quiet and just looked at each other for a long moment. “I don’t k-” “Do you r-” You both spoke at the same time. Gentle giggles echoed in the silence. “I was gonna ask if you regretted it?” Charles looked at you with a hopeful glint in his eyes. “No. God no. Charles, I don’t regret it at all. But to be honest, I kinda thought you hosted this game night to introduce me as your girlfriend. It sucked ass when you called me your teammate.” You looked down at your feet. You contemplated if sitting down would make this whole shebang less awkward. But Charles quietened your thoughts by standing up and taking your hands in his.

 “Cherie, seconds before you knocked, I was having a full-blown panic attack. I really really like you and I wanted us to be official but I didn’t know what you felt. The guys were there for emotional support because I do not trust myself with any high-risk situation.”

“You drive a car at 300 km/hr almost every weekend.” 

“Please. That is nothing compared to you. Every time I get in the cockpit, I’m more worried about your safety than mine. I was going to introduce you as my girlfriend. Trust me the word was on the tip of my tongue but I was being a pussy and chickened out. I’m so glad you did it tho.” His smile made those adorable dimples pop as he hugged you. “I’m so glad I did it too.” Your voice came out muffled with your cheek pressed against his chest. 

“And I’m so glad you called me pretty.”   

[surely-sims]

Moving Forward - End of 2024 Plans

Hello! 👋

I wanted to start this off by and foremost saying thank you so much for the support on the recent Poppy set release. I haven’t seen the community having that much fun with CC in a while and it really means the world to me.  🧡

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. It’s not bad news, just different. 

I've been unemployed for over a year now. August 2023 I finished off my last gig in Animation, and the industry has since taken a giant dive into the toilet. Greenlights are very rare and jobs are even rarer. Boo hoo so sad but what does that mean for CC? Last year I put together a massive game of Clue for Simblreen. I didn’t sleep for 48 hours straight. For Shrimpmas the story was very similar but somehow even worse. And just to put it into optics, I recently spent 3 weeks making the Poppy CAS set. Hours and hours dedicated to getting the meshes and the swatches perfect- and after all the love, all the fantastic amazing lookbooks- I made $7. (And I’m very grateful to those new patrons, and everyone that took the time to play with it, believe me I am! I just want you to understand the kind of numbers we’re working with here.) I don't make a lot of money doing this, I really don't.

TLDR; This has been a very roundabout way to say I’m going to be scaling back this year. 

For the rest of the year, I'm going to commit to making things that make me happy, and take a break from things I stress over for absolutely no reason. Simblreen will still be happening, but only for the second weekend, and I’m going to be cutting a lot of stuff I was making for it. Because when I sat down and thought about it, I wasn't making it because I wanted to, I was making it because I felt I had to. In the same vein, as of right now, Shrimpmas is cancelled this year. I’m really sorry about this one. I know it’s a ton of fun, but instead I’ll be focusing on finishing up two large sets and getting them to you in November and December.

I hate going on about this stuff, but I wanted to be clear where I’m at as a creator. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you soon. 💗

xo, Anne

[anonymous-existences]

Chapter 3: New Faces, New Job, New Everything.

Continuation to the Prolouge, Chapter 1 and 2.

Danny stares at Dante in absolute shock, Red Hood? RED HOOD?? OF ALL PEOPLE. Dante had to meet the rumored and probably the most violent of the Vigilantes. And Red Hood being a literal Crime Lord makes this worse.

"He had a fat ass to be hone-" Dante Blurted with a smirk but Danny cuts him off, "No, No. Shut up. I don't wanna hear your- or my- wait no. YOU'RE gay shenanigans." Danny pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to process the whole story.

"Let me get this.. straight-... You ... Ugh.... Ancients save me. YOU. MET. RED HOOD. AFTER. Beating up... Someone in his HAUNT?? And what do you mean he's a revenant? I thought frostbite said those were the "rare cases" of semi-halfas" Danny tries to clear up all the information in his head through just yelling it out.

"Yep." Dante popping the "P" and does not elaborate on anything else but a simple 'yep'.

"Kill me fully- wait... No. Jazz wouldn't want that." Danny reminded himself and took a deep breathe.

"I am so telling Clockwork." Danny spoke out.

"Oh come on! I'm in physical probation! I defended someone from getting bad things happen to them—" Danny cut him off.

"You can say "Fucked up shit" you know stop physically censoring yourself." Danny just stared at Dante with a judgemental face. Dante gasped dramatically like he's offended by that statement.

"OH WOW. It's not like I'm trying to 'Censor' myself because you're a traumatized 13 year old kid and I'm an adult given the responsibility of YOU cuz I love you like my brother." Dante states emphasizing every word.

"You sound like a drag queen." Danny blurts out

"I look better in pink anyways." Dante smirked smugly and Danny just frowned and sighed as Dante Ruffled his hair Mischievously.

"Don't you have a job interview today?" Danny grabbed his hand and gently places it away from his poor hair.

"I already got hired. They said I fit the job." Dante sounded very proud of himself before Danny blurts out "I think they hired you on the spot because you're Eye Candy."

Dante was stunned and thought about it for a moment.

Hmm.

"Yeah I suppose but that doesn't matter now, I have a normal job and people doesn't seem to be bothered by me at all so it's very good." Danny imagined that if Dante had a tail he'd be wagging it and Danny didn't like that mental image of a fucking CATBOY DAN- "UUUUUGHH! I hate that." He drags his palm on his face dramatically.

"And you Danny. Is coming with me to work. I am not leaving you in the apartment because. I will list it.

1. Someone might break in and you're not safe.

2. You might kill that someone either through ghost or through your tendencies to grab that goddamn creep stick and hit without hesitation.

3. I am not letting you play DOOMED for 7 hours straight, But I will let you play Minecraft.

4. You or well, We. Tend to roam away from home when we are bored, in this case you do. And ding ding ding we're in Gotham.

5. If you ever got into any danger. I would not worry if you're okay. I would worry if you killed someone first.

That's your list."

Dante started Loud and Clear.

"Fine but I get to bring both my phone and headphones with my switch." Danny Complied with a deal making Dante smile triumphantly, "Fine with me Twerp, and you better behave at the cafe." He chuckles and Pats Danny's Head Gently but still mischievously.

Danny also giggled, Danny's chest felt warm. And his core buzzed in familiar happiness as Dante and Danny Pressed their foreheads into each other before Dante pats Danny's shoulder and stands back up with a groan.

"Let's go kid, get ready now." Dante stretched his body and cracks some of his "old bones" as Danny heads to his bedroom and takes his sling bag and puts his 'neccesities' inside with a smile.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Tim heard about a new Cafe opening nearby Gotham U, although at first he was suspicious of how so many people are already visiting it and even the lines reach outside. He soon found out why. One of their workers was rumored to be apparently "eye candy" or whatever they called people who are very attractive.

This worker was the main Barista and he apparently makes the drinks Infront of the people and he was good at it.

That got Tim even more curious, How attractive does someone have to be that people of all genders are lining up on a new store as if a celebrity is inside. And so he decided to wait in line like any other student as to not direct any attention to himself because that would be utterly humiliating for him.

He waited.....

And waited....

And kept Waiting and Waiting....

Until finally, what felt like an eternity he finally got to order His Coffee.

It seems the rumors are true, the bartender is indeed attractive. Tim got even more curious about how the big man seemed to have canine sharp teeth, oddly pale complexion that almost looks... Purple? And Lazarus Green Water with Red Rims.

"An Americano with two shots please.." He states to the Cashier, "And name please?" The Cashier asks again.

"Timothy." He calmly tells her as she writes it down to a receipt and hands it to the orders That the "Eye Candy" Man and Another Worker was Making.

Tim sat on a nearby table. It was the only table that happened to be empty. Except a 13 years old kid just sitting there playing... Minecraft? Okay-.

The kid stared at Tim, Tim stares back. 'He looks like adoption Bait.' Tim thinks to himself then suddenly he slowly feels weird, as if he's being judged intensely, Unfortunately and possibly even worse than how Damian judges him.

"You look like an overworked 9-5 office worker that has no paid vacations or time off for a student." the kid suddenly speaks out and it felt as though Tim had just been shot with a non-existent arrow of truth.

"Wha-" Tim tries to ask but the kid interrupts him before he could even start, "you should really get some sleep and maybe lessen your intake of Coffee... Ah right. Name's Danny by the way. Sorry. You just started staring at me so I couldn't help but state my opinion." The kid, or well... Danny said as he went back to playing Minecraft on his switch.

"I- it's... It's fine. I know I need sleep... All college students do- it's normal." Timothy just sighs and nods subtly, knowing full well this random kid is right.

Goddamit, the kid acts like Damian a bit too- and he has the typical black hair blue eyes appearance, possibly an orphan attitude. Tim continues to have a subtle Life Crisis in his head.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

'Such a weird person.' Danny thought to himself and chuckled softly.

He continues to play Minecraft with Tucker and Sam to Pass his time and so he doesn't go all deppreso mid-daylight. The amount of people entering the cafe was still... Concerning at the very least, now that the customers have heard Dante's voice... They started to call him the "Everything in one Package." Which was way worse than "Eye Candy" to be honest.

'Vlad would be confused and shocked.... I wonder how Ellie is doing.. hopefully not too bad....' Danny hums to himself as he made a gravesite ingame for Jazz to remember her by.

It has become tradition for these teens to make jazz a gravesite whenever they start a new world and they always made sure it's beautiful and colorful in a way Jazz would have liked it.

Danny smiled as he finished up the ingame Gravesite.

Although it hurts to see and do this every time, he still loves it because then he has something to remind him of her existence.

Her precious Existence as he likes to call it.

"I miss her so much..." He mutters to himself.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

"I'm so... Tired." Dante was plopped onto the couch lazily.

"I am scared to be an adult like you..." Danny just stared at Dante as he Begrudgingly sat back up from the couch to stretch his body and head to the kitchen to cook.

"I met a random older student today, we kinda talked. He called me adoption bait which was funny because technically I am considering V l a d." Danny laughed.

"Adoption Bait my ass, who would want to adopt a little messy homeless looking goblin." Dante just chuckled smugly and Danny Pouts. " I am not a homeless looking kid" he tries to defend himself "that's the thing you're most concerned about in my sentence?" Dante tucked his hair back into a tight Ponytail and let's it flow naturally like fire.

"I know I'm a goblin, it's just how I am." Danny proudly says and pats his chest and puffs it out with pride.

"Ofcourse you do... Ah right. Kiddo I have a surprise for you tomorrow. So make sure to get enough sleep today alright?" Dante kneels down to Danny's Height to speak to him properly.

Danny thinks for a second, "Sure! I like surprises!" Danny giggled nodded profusely in excitement.

"Good." Dante smiled softly, he loves it when Danny is happy. His core loves when Danny is also happy. A happy Danny is a happy Dante.

He wishes this could go on forever. Just Danny smiling and not screaming for his life in his nightmares.

My Arm is cold from writing this <33

Enjoy though.

[weepingicegiant]

HUGE TPOT 12 SPOILERS!

BUCKLE UP CHAT. CAUSE THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG THEORY!!!!!

Where do i begin?

So heres the thing, I watched TPOT 12 then took a shower right after. While taking said shower i took a moment to think about everything that went down. And thought of the wildest theory ever..

• XFHOV

LETS START FROM THE BEGINNING,

One and Three, right?

These two fellas have FINALLY appeared after 15 years! Why is that?

Here is the scene when X found out their value: 7!

Four, Seven, and X are celebrating and generally very happy. Who isnt happy?

Three and one.

Theyre clearly angered by this whole situation, but why? Who are they angry at?

Theres three possible options:

1. Seven. But that wouldnt make sense, huh? Basically every algebralien has SOME sort of grudge held against him, so its nothing new. Scratch that!

2. Four. Its possible, four has done alot of things. But thats not who im personally going to focus on. Well, partially at least.

That leaves one more person!

3. X. But why them?

"Theyre just a little silly dude, they did nothing wrong!" And youre right. Thats exactly why theyre a target.

• THREE AND ONE'S CAPYIVITY

Youre probably wondering, why am i focusing on X, and not four? Four is more of a suspect, after all.

Think about it this way,

Three is trapped in a prison inside of Four's school, so four put him there! (They are the only one with control over that place anyway.)

One is trapped inside of the moon. There isnt really any solid proof to prove my theory with this one, but she came out during TPOT. She clearly had the ability to escape and didnt seem tired out and/or surprised that she finally left her prison. One actually seems happy and collected, even going as far as "greeting everyone" once she's out. She chose to come out at this time, just like how she chose to mess with Two's show.

One also confirmed that shes an "old friend of Two's." If One is suddenly against Two after all the years of them knowing each other, Two clearly did something to her.

• MUTUAL CONNECTIONS

And youre STILL probably wondering, "Chim! You still didnt explain what X has to do with all of this!"

Four and Two hate eachother, this hatred being caused by Two when they stole more than HALF of the bfb cast.

(They seem to not be familiar with eachother when they "first" meet. Im not exactly sure why here HELP.)

But anyway!

Who does Four have a good friendship with? X!

Who does Two have a good friendship with? Also X!

X is what keeps them sane around eachother, the only main reason why they stick around.

If anything bad were to happen to X, Four and Two clearly have the power and ability to get back at whatever or WHOever caused this harm.

One and Three did something to X, and it resulted in Two and Four snapping.

• THREE'S PERSONALITY

Three has basically ZERO information on himself, we know nothing about the guy. But what we do know, is that hes agressive.

In the Number Playground Chronicles, we get an article that explains an event that takes place, Three being apart of it. The article reads:

(To reduce confusion, ill be adding the names for you guys to differenciate whos who.)

"(Five)Integer did not pick up the ball when dropped, and Three Integer, the person playing with him, became impatient. (Five)Integer was angry at (Three)Integer because, Three Integer could simply pick up the ball and throw it to (Five)Integer, and (Three)Integer and (Five)Integer could keep playing.

"FOAMING THREE INTEGER"

The horrible, tragic incident happened at 10:13 AM. Three Integer became Upset.

Three Integer at 10:16, Angry.

Three Integer at 10:31, Furious.

Three Integer at 10:24, and "Foaming."

Three Integer at 10:39, when he started to produce smoke.

(Five)Integer picked up the ball at 6:17 PM."

This event did truly happen, we can see the beginning of it play out in the first few seconds of XFOHV:

Three was so angry and REFUSED to even touch the ball. Five had to go pick it up themself HOURS after the incident.

Three also WILLINGLY closed the cell door after it was opened. He couldve escaped, yet he didnt. I have two possible reasons for this:

1. He's afraid of Four catching him, so he followed orders and stayed put.

2. Three's gone insane after a decade and a half of being all alone, to the point that he WANTS to stay inside.

• ONE'S MOTIVES

One seems like a friendly character, shes smiling in basically the ENTIRETY of her screentime, (minus the part when she conversed with Fanny.)

But something about her smile isnt right, its almost disturbing. The way she grins in the oddest situations,

She is seen with a list during the post-credits scene, with four names on it that are all crossed out, meaning they are "completed."

□ Bell.

□ Bomby.

□ Fanny.

□ Ice Cube.

Notice how all four of these contestants were in some sort of distress during that moment, and One helped them out! In exchange for a "favor."

1. She helped Bell escape elimination by removing her string (something that annoyed Bell constantly due to contestants activley climbing it.) And hiding her.

2. She helped Bomby escape elimination by hiding him.

3. She gave Fanny a new mouth, discarding the need to spend hours at a time searching for it in the ocean.

4. She gave Ice Cube a new pair of legs, allowing her to walk again.

What exactly does One need these favors for? Revenge against Two, of course!

● ONE AND TWO'S FRIENDSHIP

Theres a popular theory stating that Two was kicked out of the equation playground, this would clear up the confusion as to why they basically NEVER appear in the subscriber specials.

Maybe this is because Two hates math! They said it to Gaty in one of the episodes.

I also believe that One was also kicked out. Why, you may ask?

Take a look at this scene in the beginning of TPOT 11:

One's picture was hidden underneath Seven's. As if nobody(COUGH COUGH. Espcially four) wanted her to be mentioned so they simply hid her.

Maybe this is how One and Two became friends, two rejects.

● RANDOM THINGS THAT GET THEIR OWN SECTION CAUSE IDK WHERE ELSE TO PUT THEM

1. How the HELL did One get a mouth and... legs?

2. Judging by One's little room, she probably really likes space and astronomy, maybe thats way the moon was where she was sent.

3. Kinda freaky to think that One was there in the moon the ENTIRE time. Throughout every single episode of the series from BFDI 1A to TPOT9, and we never knew.

Yeah tbh idk what else to say this was just a little info dump cause my mind was PACKED. anyways yeah tell me if i missed anything anf let me know about your little theories and opinions on mine! :3

[levisolace]

[7] Expendable Hearts (Levi x F!Reader)

Chapter 7: The Breakup

WC: 9,089 Chapter Warnings: tiniest bit of steamy but bigger angst Summary: Everyone in Levi's life knows he only ever dated one girl and that she left him wrecked, bitter, and heartbroken. Many years later, she's back in his life and he doesn't know what to do. Note: Hi, I am back again. I know I said we might have smut this chapter but it didn't really feel right for it lol. Honestly, not very satisfied with the chapter but I hope you like it!

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When you woke up, the unfamiliar warmth of soft sheets and the faint scent of something unmistakably Levi brought you to a sudden clarity. This wasn’t your apartment. You blinked, taking in your surroundings—the room was dimly lit, with soft morning light filtering through the curtains. Levi’s apartment. The realization settled slowly, like ripples spreading across water.

You sat up, your head heavy with a dull ache from last night’s drinks, and as you took in the stillness of the room, memories from the last night washed over you. You groaned in annoyance with yourself. How could you let this happen? When had you been careless enough to be that drunk?

The last seven years have taken you far away from this part of your life. Perhaps it was the absence that lowered your alcohol tolerance. Perhaps it was Hange’s mix. You don’t know and you don’t remember. Well, you do remember Levi arriving and helping you in fragments.

Last night was different. There had been warmth in Levi’s touch when he carried you to his bed, something almost tender in the way he looked at you, even if only for a moment. You don’t remember anything after passing out on the bed, hopefully that was the only thing you did. He was nowhere to be seen, and as you sat there on the bed pondering, the soft creaks and sounds of the apartment settling only heightened the absence of him.

You pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders, feeling the coolness of the morning air against your skin, protected by the fabric of Levi’s jacket. The comfort of Levi’s presence last night had been undeniable, but now, is it bad of you to hope that the tension between you two had finally subsided? 

You stood, making the bed carefully and neatly, and made your way to the doorway. In the living room, Levi was sleeping on the single sofa, arms crossed over his chest, his head slightly tilted to the side. 

He looked… worn. Even in sleep, his body held tension, his jaw slightly clenched, arms crossed over his chest like he was still defending himself from some unseen battle. His head had tipped awkwardly to the side, and the shadows under his eyes were deep, telling the story of someone who didn’t rest easily. You remembered how he never had good sleeping habits—his insomnia was something he never spoke about in detail, but you had seen its effects more times than you could count.

Crouching down, you looked at him more closely. His sleep was shallow, restless, as if even in unconsciousness, his mind couldn’t fully let go. There were faint signs of exhaustion etched across his face—the slight crease between his brows, the constant tension in his hands, the weariness that clung to him like a second skin. 

You thought back to when you were together, the nights when you’d wake up and find him sitting at the edge of the bed or drinking tea. He rarely slept for more than a few hours, and when he did, it was never restful. 

Now, seeing him like this—curled up on that too-small sofa, lost somewhere between exhaustion and restlessness—it hit you how much Levi had endured. His eyes, which always carried that sharpness, were softer in sleep, but the strain remained. The man who was always composed, always in control, seemed fragile in these stolen moments of rest.

“…when the breakup happened, Levi didn’t take it well.”

Kuchel’s words rang in your head, settling a frown on your face. You watched him breathe, the steady rise and fall of his chest, your hand hovering close to him but not touching. This was Levi—strong, guarded, and yet so painfully human underneath it all. Seven years and this hasn’t changed for Levi. 

In this city where much has changed, you wonder what else has remained? 

Levi stirred, his brow furrowing before his eyes slowly blinked open. He blinked again, his sharp gaze instantly locking onto you crouching beside him, your face only inches away from his. His expression shifted from sleepy confusion to guarded awareness in a split second, his body tensing as though he was expecting something.

You froze, caught in the act, your breath hitching. The silence hung heavy between you, as his sleepy, narrowed eyes tried to process the situation.

“What the hell are you doing?” His voice was rough, still thick with sleep, but there was that familiar edge to it, the one that made you think he wasn’t too pleased with the unexpected proximity.

You scrambled to stand up, feeling your face flush in embarrassment. “I… I didn’t mean to wake you. You just looked…” You trailed off, unsure of how to explain why you had been crouched there watching him sleep.

He let out a slow, deep exhale, shifting his position as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. His eyes softened for just a moment, but his guard was quickly back up, the tired lines on his face doing little to hide his discomfort at being caught like this.

“Didn’t mean to wake me?” he repeated, voice laced with skepticism, “You’re practically breathing down my neck.”

You winced, your embarrassment deepening. “I was just… worried. You don’t look like you’ve slept much.” You couldn’t help the concern that laced your voice, remembering all the times he would wake up in the middle of the night, never admitting how little sleep he actually got.

Levi’s expression shifted slightly at your words, but he brushed it off with a dismissive grunt. “I’m fine.” He stood up, stretching his arms and rolling his shoulders, clearly trying to shake off the remnants of sleep. He was stiff, his movements betraying how uncomfortable that small sofa had been, but he didn’t say anything about it.

The awkward tension lingered between you as he ran a hand through his hair, smoothing down the disarray caused by sleep. He glanced at you again, his eyes flickering with something unreadable before he spoke, voice quieter now. “You shouldn’t stare at people when they’re asleep.”

“I’ll try to remember that,” you murmured, eyes lowering as you awkwardly shifted your weight from one foot to the other.

Levi’s gaze lingered on you for a second longer, then he sighed. “Do you want tea?” 

He walked toward the kitchen without waiting for your response, but the stiffness in his steps didn’t go unnoticed. For a few minutes, you stand there in the living room alone, a strange mix of emotions settled in your chest—relief, awkwardness, and something else. 

In the kitchen, Levi was standing by the stove with a tea cup in his hand. His back was turned to you, his posture rigid, his face unreadable. The warmth from last night seemed to have vanished, replaced by the familiar, distant version of Levi you had always struggled to understand.

He didn’t turn when he heard your footsteps, didn’t offer a greeting or acknowledge your presence in any obvious way. The silence between you was heavy, and suddenly, you felt like an intruder in a space that was no longer yours.

“Morning,” you said quietly, lingering by the doorway. Your voice sounded small, hesitant.

Levi didn’t respond immediately. He took a sip of his tea, still staring out the window. When he finally spoke, his tone was flat, almost indifferent. “Coffee or tea. Help yourself.”

The casualness of his words made your chest tighten. After last night, you had expected—maybe even hoped—for something more. You even joked a little in the car. But now, it was as though nothing had changed at all, as though the small, unspoken connection you had felt last night had dissolved with the morning light.

You stepped into the kitchen and prepared yourself a cup of tea, the clink of the cup against the counter louder than it should have been in the quiet apartment.

“I didn’t mean to impose last night,” you said softly, gripping the cup a little tighter than necessary. “Thanks for letting me stay and take the bed. It ruined your sleep.”

Levi finally glanced over at you, his expression neutral. “I told you it wasn’t a big deal. And I don’t use the bed much, anyway.”

You paused. “Do you still have trouble sleeping?”

He doesn’t answer. You took a sip of your tea, the taste of his premium tea leaves grounding you in the awkwardness of the moment. “Right,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper. “No big deal.”

The two of you stood there in the kitchen, silence filling the space between you as you indulge yourself with the warm drink. 

“Levi,” you began, your voice hesitant. You weren’t even sure what you wanted to say. Maybe you wanted to ask him why he had shown up outside your apartment, why he had seemed so different last night. Or maybe you just wanted to bridge the gap between the person you used to know and the man standing in front of you now.

But before you could say more, Levi cut you off, his voice low but firm. “You should head home after tea. You’ll feel better after you rest.”

It wasn’t a harsh dismissal, but it was enough to tell you that he wasn’t ready to talk. And maybe you weren’t either. Despite feeling wrong, you nod and turn your back on him. The years apart had created a distance that couldn’t be bridged by one day. There were too many things left unsaid, too many pieces of your lives that had moved in different directions. But you should at least try to settle some things. Besides, that talk with Kuchel really got to you. 

But something inside you refused to let this be the end of the conversation. You turned back toward Levi, your voice soft but determined.

“Levi… can we—” you hesitated, trying to find the right words. “Can we talk?”

For a moment, Levi didn’t move. He stood at the counter, his back to you, gripping the cup in his hands. The air between you grew heavy, thick with unspoken things. When he finally turned, his face was calm, but there was something in his eyes that betrayed him—an intensity you hadn’t expected.

“Talk?” he repeated, his voice low. It wasn’t sharp, but there was a weight to it. “About what?”

The directness of his question hit you harder than you expected. You took a deep breath, steadying yourself.

 “I just… I know things didn’t end well between us. And I want to know if we can…” You faltered, not quite sure how to finish the sentence. What were you asking for? Friendship? Closure?

Levi raised an eyebrow, leaning back against the counter. He looked tired, as though this conversation was something he’d been bracing for, but also something he didn’t want to face. “You want to fix things? Is that it?”

“I don’t know if it’s about fixing things,” you admitted softly, shifting your weight awkwardly. “I just… I don’t want things to be like this between us anymore.”

His eyes narrowed slightly, as though he was trying to figure out what you really meant. He let out a breath, setting the cup down on the counter with a soft clink. “You think we can just… talk and things will magically be fine again?”

You shook your head, stepping a little closer. “No. But we could at least try to talk about it.”

Levi’s expression didn’t change much, but you could see his jaw tightening. “You left without a word,” he said quietly, the frustration finally seeping through. “Didn’t even say goodbye. And now you want to talk?”

The pain in his voice was subtle, but it was there, cutting deeper than you had expected. 

You understand now that time doesn’t heal everything for everyone. If Levi, the kind person that you know he is, still holds a grudge against you like this, you must’ve hurt him immensely. If you were still as closed off as you were, you would’ve told him off for this as you did back when you first saw each other. 

But now, you flinched, swallowing hard. “I didn’t leave because of you, Levi,” you started, your voice wavering. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what was it like?” he asked, crossing his arms. He wasn’t angry—at least, not in the way he usually was when something upset him. He just looked… tired. Tired of this, tired of you bringing it up.

You looked down, your hands fidgeting at your sides. “I left because I needed to figure things out for myself. My future. My career. It wasn’t about us—”

Levi scoffed, shaking his head, cutting you off. “It was always about us. Don’t act like it wasn’t.”

His words stung, and your chest tightened. “That’s not fair,” you whispered, but even as you said it, you knew he wasn’t entirely wrong. You had left to chase something more for yourself, but in doing so, you had severed ties without even explaining. The guilt that had lingered for so long resurfaced, leaving you feeling exposed.

Levi took a step forward, his voice quiet but firm. “You just left, like what we had didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter.”

You wanted to argue, to defend yourself, but your throat tightened, choking back the words. You remembered how things ended between you—how, instead of explaining yourself, you’d shut him out completely. You’d thought it would be easier that way. You were wrong.

“I thought… I thought you’d be fine without me,” you said, your voice breaking slightly. 

Levi’s expression darkened, his fists clenching. “You thought I’d be fine?” His voice was sharp now, but it was the kind of sharpness that came from hurt, not anger. “You think it was that easy?”

You couldn’t meet his gaze, the weight of his words sinking deep into your chest. “I’m sorry, Levi. I didn’t know how to stay. I didn’t know how to…”

I didn’t know how to be enough.

Levi’s frustration flared again, but there was something else in his eyes now—something raw and vulnerable beneath the subtle anger. 

“Because I wasn’t enough for your dreams,” he snapped. “You left without looking back, like I wasn’t enough to make you stay. And now that you learn I’m successful, you want to make amends?”

You opened your mouth to respond, to explain, but the words got caught in your throat. The accusation lingered in more of an offensive way but at the same time, you get him. How could you explain something that had been eating away at you for so long? It angers and pains you that he thinks of you this way. But what can he do when it was your own fault that he had this image of you? 

“I… I’m sorry,” you said softly, your voice breaking. What were you saying sorry for? A million things. Two words are nearly not enough for your regrets and mistakes. “It’s not like that.” “You keep saying that,” he stepped closer to you, face inches away from yours. “You keep saying it wasn’t like that but I’m not hearing the explanation.” "I know it hurt you. But… it was never about us, not like you think. I just—" She faltered, trying to hold his gaze. "I didn’t know how else to handle things back then. Couldn’t we at least try to find some middle ground?" 

Levi stared at you, his breathing heavy, his frustration mounting, as if what you asked of him was what triggered his anger. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out of him, as if he was too speechless and offended.

And then, without warning, he moved. In one swift motion, he closed the distance between you, hands caging in on your face. You barely had time to react before his lips crashed against yours, silencing whatever you had been about to say.

It was intense, almost desperate, as if he was pouring all his pent-up emotions into that single moment.

It wasn’t gentle, and it wasn’t tender. The kiss was filled with everything unsaid, all the anger, the longing, the pain that had built up between you over the years. His grip loosened almost instantly as if he was giving you the chance to push him away, his other hand finding the small of your back loosely. Your mind went blank, your heart racing as you responded instinctively, your body betraying the emotions you’d been trying to suppress. You kissed him back with as much passion, a hand shooting up to rest on his shoulder.

With acceptance on your part, he presses his hand on your back, pushing your bodies closer together. Hands roamed your body, tracing the curves of your hips and the small of your back. He pressed you against the wall, his body flush against yours, as he deepened the kiss. His tongue teased the seam of your lips, seeking entrance, and when you granted it, he explored your mouth with a hunger that left you breathless.

Levi’s hands slid up your body, his fingers tangling in your hair as he angled your head to gain better access. He kissed you like a man possessed, like he was trying to memorize every inch of your mouth, every sensation, every taste. It was overwhelming, consuming, and you found yourself responding in kind, your own desire rising to meet his.

For a moment, the world around you disappeared, and it was just the two of you—caught in a storm of emotions neither of you had been able to express. When Levi finally pulled away, his breathing was ragged, his forehead resting against yours.

“You don’t get to walk back into my life like nothing happened,” he whispered, his voice rough, his eyes still closed. “But I’ll accept your apology if you tell me one thing.”

You stared at him, stunned, your lips still tingling from the force of the kiss. “Levi…” you whispered, your voice trembling, unsure of what to say. You had expected an argument, maybe a cold rejection, but not this. Not the raw, unchecked passion that had just erupted between you.

You took a shaky breath, steadying yourself as the silence stretched between you. The intensity of Levi’s kiss still lingered on your lips, but you knew this moment couldn’t end like this—without clarity, without addressing the feelings that had been left festering for years. You weren’t sure how to navigate the conversation ahead, but you knew it needed to happen.

“Why did you leave?” His voice was low, steady, but you could hear the anger simmering underneath.

You froze. You knew this question was coming, had expected it, but now that it was here, you felt the weight of it crush your chest. You opened your mouth to answer, but no words came out at first. The real answer—the full answer—felt too dangerous, too raw.

“I… I needed space,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “I needed to figure out things. I wasn’t ready for everything that was happening. I wasn’t ready for us…”

Levi’s eyes darkened, and you could see the frustration bubbling beneath the surface. “That’s not the whole truth,” he said, his voice sharp. “You left without a word, without even explaining. And now you expect me to believe it was just because you ‘needed space?’”

You flinched at his words, but you didn’t have an answer that would satisfy him. He wasn’t wrong. There was more to why you left, but the truth felt like too much to bear right now. “It’s complicated, Levi. I—I can’t explain everything. Not yet.”

“Not yet?” Levi’s voice rose, his anger spilling over. “You’ve had years to figure it out, and you still can’t give me a real answer? After everything?” His voice echoed in your mind, the accusation laced with disbelief. 

You didn’t know what answer he wanted, what answer could ever fix the damage that had been done. You had thought about this moment a thousand times before—imagined what you might say, how you might explain why you left, why you didn’t say goodbye, why you broke his heart without looking back. But now, standing here, with his anger burning in the space between you, the words you’d rehearsed felt hollow.

His next words cut deeper. “You ran,” he said, and you flinched, the truth of it like a slap. “You always run when things get hard.” You felt your pulse quicken, the weight of his words pressing down on your chest, making it hard to breathe. He wasn’t wrong. You did run. You ran from him, from the life you thought you couldn’t have, from the overwhelming fear that you weren’t enough, that you couldn’t hold it all together.

“You know what Hange told me when she first saw you again? You cried. You cried in her arms like a child. Don’t expect me to believe that meant nothing but missing a friend.” 

You closed your eyes, remembering the moment you saw Hange again. The way everything you had been holding in, all the grief and guilt, came rushing out the moment she hugged you. It wasn’t just missing a friend—it was the overwhelming realization that you hadn’t let yourself feel anything for so long. You had locked it all away, telling yourself that it was better this way, that you were stronger alone. But seeing Hange again had broken the dam. You had cried because, for the first time in years, you realized how much emotions you’ve been hiding away. And in that moment, you realized just how much you missed the people you had left behind—how much you missed the old you. 

“You always run when things get hard. And you always leave me behind like I don’t matter.” Hearing him say it out loud—it crushed you in ways you hadn’t expected. Because he wasn’t wrong. You had left him behind, not just physically, but emotionally.

That stung. “That’s not true,” you snapped back, your voice trembling. Deep inside, you know he’s right. But you didn’t want to accept it. You’ve put on multiple walls for the past seven years and even before that. You don’t know how to accept yourself and that’s the truth. But he never meant nothing to you. Not in the slightest. 

“I’m the one lying?” Levi’s voice was filled with disbelief. 

You didn’t want to admit it to Levi—not now, not when he was standing there, looking at you with so much anger, with so much pain—but he was right. You had left him behind like he didn’t matter, even though he had been the only thing that mattered for so long. You couldn’t deny that, no matter how much you wanted to.

But what could you say to him now? What could you possibly tell him that would make this any better? The truth was too complicated, too messy. You had run because you didn’t know what else to do. You didn’t know how to stay, how to let him in. And now, all these years later, you still didn’t have the answers he deserved.

You could feel the conversation spiraling, slipping out of control. The more Levi spoke, the more you could feel the anger and hurt from both sides surfacing. “I didn’t know what else to do!” you shot back, your voice louder now, matching his intensity. “I thought it was the right thing at the time.”

“Well, it obviously wasn’t!” Levi shouted, stepping closer to you, his eyes burning with frustration. “You didn’t give me a choice. You just insulted me and let me figure it out on my own.”

The words hit you like a slap in the face, and for a moment, neither of you spoke. The air was thick with the weight of everything that had been left unsaid for years. You could see the pain in Levi’s eyes, but beneath it all, there was still something else—something vulnerable that he was trying to hide.

You opened your mouth to speak, to try and explain again, but before you could get a word out, Levi grabbed you. His hand gripped your arm, and in an instant, his lips were on yours—rough, urgent, cutting off whatever you were about to say again. 

“Stop it,” he said, his eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that made your heart race. “Stop making excuses or I’m going to kiss you again.”

Your breath caught in your throat. His words hung in the air, and the tension between you was palpable. The heat of the moment was overwhelming, his nearness pulling you in despite everything. 

“It’s your choice,” he repeats.

You searched his face, trying to find the right words, something that would break through the anger and pain, but the look in his eyes made it clear he wasn’t in the mood for more of your excuses and vague words.

“Levi…” you whispered, but before you could say anything more, he tilted his head slightly, his gaze dropping to your lips, the threat of another kiss looming between you. You knew he meant every word, and the intensity of it all made your heart pound even harder.

His voice was rough, but there was something raw beneath it, something unspoken that you couldn’t ignore. “I’m serious. One more excuse, and I won’t stop myself.”

You swallowed hard, torn between the instinct to push him away and the undeniable pull that still lingered between you. The anger and hurt were still there, but so was everything else—the longing, the lust.

The room felt smaller, the space between you shrinking as Levi’s words echoed in your mind. The look in his eyes dared you to say something more, but the weight of everything kept you silent. And maybe it was the way he had already kissed you two times that you yearned for more. 

Maybe it was how he looked awfully beautiful in his in-house morning clothes. Maybe it was the way his lips looked soft enough as a pillow that you want to lie on. Maybe you just missed his touch that you weren’t able to think straight. Maybe it was the pain—the longing that threw all the rationalities out of the window. 

“Kiss me again.” 

Levi’s eyes widened for a moment, a flash of pain across his glossy eyes until it was replaced by clouded lust. 

He leaned in with his eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed and jaw clenched, as if he was fighting his own desires. You almost flinch when his head drops on your shoulder, subtly nuzzling his nose on the skin of your neck.

“Then at least tell me this,” he mutters. “Are you really okay now?”

Tears fill your eyes and you let out a deep exhale.

“Yes,” I whisper while nodding, looking straight ahead. “Yes, I am.” 

And that wasn’t a lie. He knows that.

With a soft groan, he leans in, capturing your lips in a deep, passionate kiss. 

His tongue dances with yours, his hand sliding up your back to cup your head, pulling you even closer. His other hand moves to your waist, his fingers gripping your hips as he deepens the kiss. 

You start letting out soft grunts as if trying to tell him how pleasurable it is for you, as he latches his lips to the curve of your neck. You gasp for air when he sucks on your sensitive skin, only the ceiling in sight as your eyes roll to the back of your head. It had you holding on his shoulder for dear life.

"Levi," you moan, shivering and grasping at his hair as he attacks your neck with open-mouth kisses. Levi nips at your jaw next, harsh as if he was devouring you.

His roaming hands finally made their way to your chest, palm over your breast. He squeezes once, slowly but hard. Realizing your shirt was getting in the way, his hand slips inside the skin tight cloth to the clasp of your bra. 

And then he freezes. 

As if he was thrown ice-cold water, he pulls away. He stumbled back a step, his breathing uneven, his eyes wide in shock. His gaze flickered between you and the space between you, as though he was trying to make sense of the moment. You stare back at him, breathless and probably looking like a mess. 

You blink, your own breathing labored, and the reality of what just happened hit you like a wave. 

You continued to stare at him, the weight of the situation pressing down on you. The tension that had been building, the unspoken emotions, the years of unresolved feelings—it had all come to a head in that kiss. And now you were both standing there, stunned by the gravity of what had just happened.

Levi ran a hand through his hair, his jaw clenched. His usual composed self had cracked, and you could see the confusion and regret warring in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again, shaking his head slightly as if he couldn't find the right words.

The silence was unbearable. You wanted to say something, anything, to break the tension, but nothing came out. You just stood there, your heart pounding in your chest, realizing that the line between you and Levi had just been blurred in a way you hadn't anticipated.

Levi finally broke the silence, his voice rough and barely above a whisper. "I... Sorry." His eyes dropped to the floor, as if he couldn't bring himself to look at you. “I think we got carried away.” 

You couldn't find your voice, your mind still reeling. You knew he was right—this wasn't supposed to happen. But it had.

And now everything feels even more complicated than ever before.

When are you going to make the right decision?

Levi’s grip on the counter was tight, his knuckles white, as if holding onto something solid could stop the whirlwind of emotions spinning inside him. His broad back was tense, shoulders stiff like he was bracing himself for something. You watched him, feeling the weight of the silence between you both, the air thick with everything left unsaid. The view of his back reminded you too much of that night—the night you walked away, leaving him with his heart shattered, and now here you were again, uncertain, fragile.

Your heart raced in your chest, waiting, praying for him to break the silence. You needed him to speak, to say something, anything to ground you in the moment, to pull you away from the memories. Then, after what felt like an eternity, his voice broke the quiet, low and careful.

“I can offer friendship,” `he said, his voice strained, as if the words were dragging out of him. “Slowly. If you want it.”

Your stomach twisted at his offer. Friendship. The idea felt both like a lifeline and a blade. After everything, all the history, the love, the pain, he was offering you the safety of friendship because that’s what Levi did—he built walls to protect what was left of himself. You could hear the fear behind his words, the hesitation, like he was terrified of opening himself up to you again. And yet, part of you understood. Starting over felt impossible; you’d both been broken by what happened, and it scared him just as much as it scared you.

You swallowed hard, your voice barely a whisper as you spoke. “Is that what you want?”

His shoulders shifted slightly, but he didn’t turn to face you. “I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice almost too quiet. “But I know I can’t… risk everything again. Not right now.”

His words stung, but you couldn’t blame him. The kiss had stirred things up, emotions both of you had buried long ago, and now you were both standing on the edge of something dangerous, something you weren’t sure either of you could survive if it went wrong again.

You took a shaky breath, your mind racing as you tried to make sense of what you wanted. Did you want friendship? Could you even be just friends with him after everything? The thought seemed impossible. But maybe he was right. Maybe it was all either of you could handle right now.

“Okay,” you whispered, unsure if you meant it, but needing to say something. “Friends, then.”

Levi exhaled sharply, like he’d been holding his breath the entire time, but he still didn’t turn around. The silence stretched on again, heavy with the weight of everything left unspoken between you. You could feel it in the air—the unresolved hurt, the lingering desire, and now this fragile truce you were trying to build, one step at a time.

The sight of his back still haunted you, a reminder of all the ways you’d hurt him before. But this time, as painful as it was, you stayed. You weren’t walking away. Not again.

You stepped closer but not approaching him entirely, careful not to break the chance given to you. You don’t know what to do with yourself—how to step outside yourself. But you were willing to try.

“I’ll make it up to you, Levi,” you whispered, loud enough for him to hear. 

Those words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of promises that neither of you knew if you could keep. The truth was, you didn’t know how you’d make it up to him. How could you? After everything that had happened, after all the years you’d spent apart, it felt impossible to bridge the distance between you. But you had to try. He was giving you this—friendship, the smallest of openings—and you would take it, even if it hurt. Because it was Levi.

Levi, the one person who had meant more to you than anyone else.

And now, standing in his kitchen, the same man who had once been your entire world was offering you a lifeline, even if it was wrapped in his own fear and hesitation. You could feel his reluctance, the way he was trying to protect himself from being hurt again. But you could also sense the vulnerability beneath it all, the part of him that still cared, despite everything.

You didn’t expect him to answer right away. Levi was always slow to speak when it came to his feelings. He wasn’t the type to lay everything out in the open. You knew that about him. But still, the longer the silence stretched on, the more anxious you became. Maybe you had said the wrong thing. Maybe he didn’t believe you could make it up to him. Maybe he didn’t believe in second chances.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke, his voice low and controlled, though you could hear the cracks in his composure. “Alright. Make it up to me.”

Levi felt her drifting away. 

It was in the middle of the last semester before they graduated. Obviously, their schedules were hectic. She was barely around to study with him. Before, even if they were as busy as this, they would find time to be together, and even if they were not remotely doing anything romantic per se, they were still together, spending time and feeling each other’s warmth. Levi couldn’t even keep up with what she’s doing anymore, always running around somewhere he doesn’t know about. Whenever he asks, you do tell him but it’s not like he could force you to stop. Before he knew it, things were piling up on him too. 

That night, Levi hadn’t seen you for over a week. Your conversations had become few and far between, your texts cold and distant. But he convinced himself it was just stress. You were busy; you both were. He planned a quiet evening together, something to help you both relax and remind you that everything was going to be fine.

You just needed a break, that’s what he told himself. 

So when the doorbell rang unexpectedly, his heart skipped. Maybe you’d missed him as much as he missed you. The past weeks had driven him crazy. All he wanted was to see you, to hold you, to feel like you were still okay. With him, with the two of you.

Levi opened the door, excitement barely contained in his movements. There you were, standing still and quiet on his doorstep. Without hesitation, he pulled you into a hug, a rare gesture from him, one he reserved almost entirely for you. But something was wrong. Your body was stiff, unmoving in his arms. It felt like hugging a mannequin—cold and unresponsive. It worried him but hasn't addressed it yet.

“I’m almost done cooking pasta,” he informs you, guiding you to the kitchen. You follow him quietly, grim and almost soullessly. It was time that he had enough of you looking like that. He needed to know what was on your mind.

“Baby?” he whispered, worry creeping into his voice.

He stepped back, reluctantly letting you go, his eyes scanning your face for any sign of warmth, of familiarity. But there was none. You look up to face him with an expression he didn’t recognize—cold, distant, like a stranger. His heart dropped.

Levi repeated by calling your name, this time more carefully, as if saying your name too loudly might shatter you. His voice was soft, pleading, hoping for some sign that this wasn’t what it looked like.

“Levi,” you said, but your voice was distant, detached. You said his name like it was unfamiliar, like you’d never said it before, as if you were reading it off a page.

A knot twisted in his chest. “Baby… what—are you okay?”

You closed your eyes for a moment, as if gathering strength, and when you spoke again, your words came out softly but with an edge that cut straight through him. “I… I can’t do this anymore.”

His heart sank further. “What do you mean?” His voice was calm, but inside, he was fighting the panic rising in his chest. He knew what you were saying, but he wasn’t ready to face it. As he says that, he leans on the kitchen for support for whatever you had to say.

“This,” you said, gesturing between you two. “Us. It’s not working.”

“What the fuck do you mean?” he snapped, frustration bubbling up inside him.

“Us, Levi. We’re not working,” you said quietly, but with a firmness that left no room for misunderstanding.

Levi didn’t respond at first. He just stared at the floor, the tension between you thick and heavy. You weren’t sure if he hadn’t heard you, or if he was just trying to figure out how to respond. But then, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke.

“I don’t understand,” he shook his head, his voice growing desperate. “Don’t be like that. Tell me what’s wrong. I—I’ll make it work.”

You shook your head, your expression unchanging. “You.”

“Me?” His jaw clenched, frustration and hurt swirling inside him. His voice was low, controlled, but you could hear the edge of frustration underneath. “What do you mean, me?” 

You swallowed hard, your heart racing. He can see that you were having a hard time. “I don’t see you anymore,” you said, your voice cracking just a little.

He scoffed, pushing off the counter and taking a step toward you. “Of course you don’t! You’ve been pushing me away! I’ve been trying to see you, to be with you, but you’ve shut me out. Is that all this is?” 

“No, Levi, that’s not what I meant,” you said, exasperation seeping into your voice. 

“Then what?” he demanded, his voice rising as the desperation took over. 

You hesitated, your breath shaky. “I don’t… see you in my future.”

The room fell silent. The air grew thick with the weight of your words. Levi’s eyes widened as he processed what you had just said, each word feeling like a punch to the gut.

“What?” His voice came out weak, barely above a whisper. “What?” He repeated, louder this time, his disbelief palpable.

“My plans, your plans… they don’t align,” you said softly, your gaze dropping to the floor as if the weight of the words was too much.

His jaw tightened, and he shook his head slightly.  “I’ll make them align. It’s not as hard as you think.” 

“It’s not that simple,” you replied, your voice steady, but the finality in your tone sent a shiver down his spine. 

“Yes, it is! You just don’t want to take the risk, do you? You don’t want to take a chance on us, on me.” Levi’s eyes flickered with something—hurt, anger, disappointment—it was hard to tell. 

“…No, I don’t,” you admitted after a long, agonizing pause.

A bitter laugh escaped Levi’s lips. “So that’s it, huh? You think so little of me?”

“I do,” you said, your voice unwavering. “You don’t have a plan, Levi. You’re getting a business degree because you don’t know what else to do. You don’t have dreams, not like I do. I can’t afford to take that risk with you,” you babbled on, your frustration bubbling to the surface.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” you said softly, feeling the weight of your own words crushing you. “But I can’t stay.”

His breath caught in his throat. “Have you always thought this about me? Always?”

“Yes,” you said, without hesitation.

Levi’s face hardened. He turned away from you, his back tense. “Is that why you’ve always put me last? Because you think I’m just some spoiled, grumpy brat?” 

“Yes,” you said, your tone flat, emotionless.

“So I’m supposed to believe you never loved me at all?” His voice cracked, anger and heartbreak bleeding into each word.

Levi stood still, his hands gripping the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. For a moment, you thought he might say something—anything to make you stay. But when he turned back to face you, his eyes were cold, detached.

“No,” you whispered. “I did love you.”

Levi’s heart sunk more than it could. Did. So you don’t even love him now? He doesn’t understand. He wants you to make him understand.

“Then why?” he asked, voice trembling. “Why are you throwing us away?”

Your eyes finally lifted to meet his, and the softness in your gaze returned, just for a moment. “Because I have to. You’re the only part of my life I’m willing to let go.”

The words hung in the air like a death sentence. Levi stood frozen, his back still at you, his world crumbling around him. 

The weight of that sentence crushed him, making him feel small, insignificant, like everything he’d thought you two had built meant nothing. Out of all the things in your life—the stress, the pressure, the struggles—he was the easiest to discard. It was as if his presence, his love, had been optional all along, something you could abandon when things got too heavy. 

He had always tried to be your constant, your steady hand when everything else felt out of control. And now, hearing that he was the only part of your life you could afford to lose, he realized just how replaceable he’d been to you. It tore at him, leaving him feeling hollow and questioning whether he’d ever really mattered at all. 

But what can he do when you’ve made up your mind?

And so, even though it hurt more than he ever thought it would, he let you go.

“Fine,” he said, his voice low and bitter. “Do what you need to do.”

He just stood there, watching you go, the start of the distance between you two that would only grow as the years go on.

He could still remember that night vividly, the finality of your words sinking in as you walked out of his apartment, out of his life. He replayed every moment over and over, trying to understand where things had gone wrong. How had he not seen it coming? He thought everything was fine, maybe strained, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. He was wrong.

Everyday went on like he was dragging his feet. You would not even look at him on campus, making it so that his schedule would not align with yours. 

Hange and Erwin were torn. They were his friend first but you had already wiggled your way into their hearts. Despite you hurting him, he hoped that it was something temporary—a lapse of judgment, one could say. So, he gestured Hange to still accompany you at times, making sure you’re eating right and taking care of yourself. Even at a distance. He believed that he could make it happen. He would just have to wait for you.

That was until you left without a trace. 

The sun had just dipped below the horizon, casting long shadows over the empty streets as Levi made his way to the bar. Erwin had called earlier, insisting they meet for drinks—something Levi had been avoiding ever since you left. It had been a few weeks since graduation, and Levi still wasn’t ready to face the world outside of his apartment, let alone his friends. But after persistent texts and missed calls, he’d finally relented. He didn’t want to talk, but maybe being with Erwin and Hange would help distract him.

As he pushed open the door to the bar, he immediately spotted them at a corner table, Hange waving him over with her usual exuberance. Erwin gave a more subdued nod, his brow slightly furrowed as he watched Levi approach. Levi sat down without a word, not bothering with the pleasantries.

“Glad you could finally make it,” Hange said with a smile, though Levi could see the concern behind her eyes. She leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands. “How’ve you been holding up?”

Levi shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Fine.”

Hange exchanged a glance with Erwin, who leaned back in his chair, his expression unreadable. “You don’t have to pretend with us, you know,” Erwin said gently, his voice calm but firm. “We know about what happened. We’ve been worried.”

Levi stiffened, his gaze dropping to the table. He hadn’t talked to anyone about the breakup. The thought of explaining how you’d left him, how you said he wasn’t part of your future, was unbearable. But Erwin wasn’t going to let it go that easily.

“Levi,” Hange said, her tone softening. “We know she’s gone.”

Levi’s stomach dropped at the sound of your name, and he finally looked up, his eyes narrowing. “What do you mean, ‘gone’?”

Hange blinked, taken aback. “You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

Erwin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “She’s left the city, Levi.”

Levi’s heart skipped a beat, and he felt the air leave his lungs. “What?”

Hange bit her lip before leaning closer, her voice gentle but hesitant. “I went to her place. You know, to check on her. I was worried when she hadn’t been around, and… well, it���s not her place anymore. There’s someone else living there now.”

Levi’s chest tightened as the words sank in. You hadn’t just broken up with him—you’d left. Without a word. Without telling him. “What do you mean, someone else is living there?” His voice was low, almost a growl, but Hange didn’t flinch.

“I spoke to the new tenants,” she explained. “Apparently, she and her grandma moved out a while ago. Sold the place. It’s like she… disappeared.”

Levi felt a cold chill run down his spine. He had known something was wrong when you broke things off, but he hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected you to leave everything behind. “Why didn’t she say anything?” His voice cracked slightly, betraying the emotion he’d been trying to suppress for weeks.

Erwin sighed, his hands clasped on the table. “We don’t know, Levi. I wish we had more answers.”

Levi’s mind raced, trying to piece together what could’ve happened. He knew you’d been under a lot of stress, but he never imagined it would lead to this. Moving out of the city, selling the house you shared with your grandmother—that wasn’t just a breakup. That was cutting ties completely. Why would you do that? Why didn’t you tell him?

“I don’t understand,” Levi muttered, more to himself than to them. His thoughts were spinning out of control. The cold distance in your eyes that last night, the way you’d told him he didn’t fit into your future—it all made sense now. You had been planning this for longer than he’d realized. He’d been so focused on trying to make things work between the two of you that he didn’t see the signs of something much bigger happening in your life.

Hange leaned forward, her voice softening. “Levi, maybe… maybe there was something else going on. Something she didn’t feel like she could talk about.”

“Like what?” he snapped, but immediately regretted it. Hange didn’t deserve his anger. She was just trying to help.

Hange hesitated, glancing at Erwin again before speaking. “We don’t know. But people don’t just disappear like that for no reason.”

Levi clenched his fists, his mind going back to all the moments he had missed, the times you had pulled away or brushed him off. He thought you were just busy, just stressed about school and your future. But there had been more, hadn’t there? And he had been too blind to see it.

“She didn’t even tell me,” Levi muttered bitterly, the betrayal cutting deeper now. “She didn’t even tell me she was leaving.”

Erwin placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, his grip firm but comforting. “That doesn’t mean she didn’t care, Levi.”

Levi shook his head, pulling away from Erwin’s touch. He couldn’t accept that right now. You had walked away from him, from everything, and hadn’t looked back. How was he supposed to believe you cared? If you had, you would’ve told him. You wouldn’t have left him here, in this city, to find out from someone else. Was he so repulsive that you would leave a city you told him you would never leave? 

The café was suddenly too quiet, too suffocating. Levi stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back. “I need some air.”

Hange opened her mouth to protest, but Erwin held up a hand, signaling her to let him go. Levi walked out of the café and into the cool night, the sounds of the city barely registering in his mind. He stood on the sidewalk, staring blankly at the passing cars, his thoughts spinning in a million directions.

You were gone. Really gone.

And for the first time since that night, it felt real. The hope he had clung to—the hope that maybe you just needed space, that maybe you would come back—it was gone. You had moved on, left the city, left him behind.

Levi pressed a hand to his chest, trying to steady his breathing. The ache in his heart was unbearable, the weight of it pressing down on him until he could barely stand. He had been fooling himself, thinking that this was something you both could fix. But it wasn’t. You were gone, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He thought back to all the times you’d talked about your future, about the things you wanted to accomplish, the life you wanted to build. He had always assumed he’d be a part of that. But now, standing on the cold street outside the bar, Levi realized that he never had been. You had left him behind long before that final conversation.

Levi ran a hand through his hair, feeling the anger and sadness churn inside him. You were meant for bigger things, and he… he was just a part of the life you left behind. He felt insignificant, like a small chapter in your story that didn’t matter anymore. And the worst part was, he couldn’t blame you for it.

The day after you left, Levi didn’t even get out of bed. He lay there staring at the ceiling, the weight of your absence pressing down on him like a lead blanket. His mind swirled with disbelief. He could still hear your voice, still feel the coldness of your touch when you said you didn’t see him in your future. It felt like his entire world had crumbled beneath him, leaving nothing but emptiness. Levi wasn’t one for breakdowns, but that morning, he didn’t have the strength to face anything. Not the day, not the world, not even himself. He was too stunned, too shattered.

Days blurred into weeks, and Levi found himself trapped in a cycle of withdrawal. He barely left his apartment, hiding away from everything that reminded him of you. His phone buzzed now and then, messages from Hange or Erwin, but he ignored them. What was there to say? He knew they would ask about you, and he wasn’t ready to explain, to admit that you were gone for good. The thought of telling anyone made him feel nauseous, like acknowledging it out loud would make it even more real than it already was.

At first, Levi convinced himself that you just needed time. That’s what he kept telling himself. Maybe you’d come back, maybe you’d realize you’d made a mistake, and things would go back to the way they were. But with each passing day, that hope dimmed until it was nothing more than a flicker in the back of his mind. You weren’t coming back.

And it was his fault, wasn’t it? He had never been good enough for you. You were destined for something bigger, something more than what he could offer. He was just… Levi. Some guy getting a degree in business because he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t like you, with your drive and your dreams. You’d always been so full of ambition, talking about all the things you wanted to accomplish, all the places you wanted to go. And him? He didn’t have that. He was fine with just being by your side, supporting you in whatever way he could, but he should’ve known that wasn’t enough.

Levi spent hours sitting in his living room, staring blankly at nothing in particular, the silence of his apartment suffocating. He’d barely eaten in days, and his sleep was restless, haunted by memories of you. There was still your perfume on his dresser, and every time he caught a whiff of it, his chest tightened painfully.

© levisolace. please do not copy, translate, claim any of my works. my works are cross-posted only on my ao3 account. reblogs, asks, and comments are also greatly appreciated. thank you.

[jeongheart]

touch

summary: 'physical touch refers to expressing and receiving affection through touch, physical closeness, and other forms of physical connection'.

w.c: 1.4k.

tags: strangers to friends to lovers (kinda?), mutual pining, fluff.

a.n: i'm soft, this was inspired by that video of jeongin bumping into jisung lol. my first innie work aaa i'm so happy that i finished it, i'm so proud of this one too.

as always, english is not my first language so sorry in advance for any mistakes, leave your thoughts if you like! it means a lot.

Jeongin doesn't like to be touched.

He strongly believes that his personal space is sacred, and he can't understand the people who require physical contact 24/7.

It's no secret to anyone that he dislikes (physical) displays of affection, not that he doesn't have them with the people he loves, he prefers to let them know that he loves them with a special gift on their birthday or by buying them something that reminds him of that person.

He especially hates hugs. He feels trapped by the other person, and despite the fact that in the 22 years of his life he repeated it a thousand times, his family and friends don't seem to get the hint.

He doesn't want to be surly, really. It's something that has been like that since he can remember.

Jeongin doesn't like to be touched.

Except if that someone is you.

It's funny actually, you'd met casually, the way people met before: in real life. The first day of college was tough, everything and everyone was new and having to get used to a "grown-up" routine all of a sudden was something that took time.

He remembers the time exactly: 07:20 am. It was the first of the day, he was sitting in front of the class, he had a bad habit of being easily distracted, so he had to force himself to overcome his shame and desire to sleep to be in front of the blackboard.

The class started at 07:30, and the room was almost full. The professor arrived less than a minute ago and Jeongin was glad to be alone and in peace. His notebook lay open in front of him, the pages white and spotless.

Until you arrived, late.

You came running, it was obvious that you'd fallen asleep. Your hair was somewhat messy, probably due to the wind and the run you made through the building, your face was red (from embarrassment and exertion), but a smile was present on your face.

The professor looked at you funny and with a gesture of her hand she asked you to come in and take a seat somewhere free.

The only one was next to Jeongin.

Your eyes lit up at the sight of the empty chair, and even though you couldn't see it, Jeongin rolled his eyes as he saw you approaching the table.

With the woman summarizing her presentation, you arranged your things on the table (everything was in pastel colors, the blonde noticed) and you looked at him expectantly with that smile still on your face.

He could tell you were alone, actually, you were the only two who were. All your other classmates knew each other. So your attempt to start a conversation with him was logical, you also realized that he was alone.

"It looks like we'll be buddies" You smiled again and then told him your name while you extended your hand in an attempt to shake his, a very old gesture and not funny at all according to Jeongin.

He played dumb, but he told you his name. And then he said nothing more, watching out of the corner of his eye as you slowly lower your hand to rest it on your lap.

The weeks passed like this, you had a clear love language and unfortunately it was the one that Jeongin hated the most. You were always trying to touch him, not in a wicked or weird way, just friendly since that's how you showed affection. You were friends, but he couldn't tell you 'stop doing that' every time you reached out to touch his shoulder to get his attention.

You annoyed him every time you did that, but he couldn't deny that when you weren't getting clingy he appreciated your company. You were a comfortable presence in his life most of the time, and he liked not being alone in an unfamiliar environment where everyone greeted each other and ate together every day.

The first part of the academic year ended in the blink of an eye and the relationship between the two of you was only growing.

Jeongin didn't know when he let you touch his arm for the first time, he thinks it was in the library when you were studying for an exam.

He was nervous as he couldn't memorize anything and you, ever so nice, reached out your hand in an attempt to comfort him to rest it on Jeongin's left arm which was sprawled on top of the book he was trying to read.

Jeongin hadn't noticed that he hadn't tensed like the other times and he just kept reading and rereading the same sentences while the heat rose to your cheeks.

You didn't know what changed, but the fact that the boy who moved away every time you got at least 5 cm closer than normal had finally relaxed around you had butterflies flying in your stomach.

The months unfolded normal after that, and Jeongin would let you into his bubble of personal space more and more often.

He definitely hadn't realized how much he liked to feel your warm hands on his when he needed to calm down before a presentation or how his heart would jump in his chest when he saw you smile after you hugged him goodbye when he dropped you at your house after college.

"I like you a lot, Innie" You told him after the second exam.

Another final exam ended, and with it, the end of the year was drawing near. Jeongin was going to a vacation with his family in Busan and you definitely couldn't go weeks and weeks without seeing him, or his dimples or hearing his laugh and you would never forgive yourself if you didn't tell him everything that was on your mind every time you were together.

Jeongin looked like a statue, his mouth was opening and closing in an attempt to find the right words. His mind had short-circuited and it seemed that he had lost all ability to form a coherent sentence.

The snow was falling around the two of you, the heartless winter wrapped you from head to toe and as the minutes passed without an answer, your heart raced more and more and if Jeongin paid enough attention he could see how your eyes began to water as you overthought your sudden confession.

Maybe he didn't feel the same way, and you were making a fool of yourself. You began to prepare the speech of 'sorry, I shouldn't have said anything' to save your heart from the impending rejection and to be able to escape from that situation as quickly as possible.

Until Jeongin moved, he took two short steps until he was face to face to you. He was a head taller than you and your eyes searched his urgently, trying to decipher the answer he hadn't put into words.

The blond placed his big hands on your cheeks, reddened by the cold and now by shame, and caressed your skin with his thumbs.

You swore that if it wasn't for his soft grip on your face, you might have passed out from how fast your heart was beating, your legs felt like jelly, and the suspense felt eternal. You wanted to yell at him to answer or for him to do something, anything to finally stop your heart racing with feelings.

You opened your mouth to talk, but Jeongin closed the distance between you by placing his lips on yours.

You froze at first, arms still on either side of your body but then, as if awakened from a trance, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to lose yourself in the heat of the kiss, everything around you felt cold except for this moment, the soft feeling of his plush lips on yours and the warmth spreading from the tip of your fingertoes to every strand of hair on your head.

He moved only a few inches from you, enough to be able to whisper over your lips "I like you too".

You laughed slowly, so softly that it almost felt like a whisper, so only he could hear it "Yes, I think I realized that" And tangling your hands behind his neck you brought him closer to you to kiss him again.

Jeongin doesn't like to be touched, but you were the only exception.

[maximoffcarter]

Happier.

Pairings: Casey Novak x reader, Past Olivia Benson x reader.

Summary: The moment reader met Olivia, she knew it was over for her. Two 'straight girls' loving each other behind everyone's backs was meant to be cute and the perfect love story, but it doesn't always work that way. And then, there was Casey Novak.

A/n: Here is the winner of the poll! Once again, bestie here @saurgaeee giving me the ideas. I really do have to give her most of the credit because this amazing girl is pushing me to write all this great ideas and keeps me writing everyday and I love every moment of it, so please thank my bestie here. I gotta say that...I kinda feel bad for Olivia, but if you ask me...I'll always choose my wife Casey Novak. If you got any requests, please don't be shy and drop them at my ask box or message me, I’m kind of getting over the requests and ideas and I do wanna write more haha! Enjoy and leave your comments, reblogs, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻

*not my gif*

“Hey! Y/n is here!” Elliot smiled as y/n walked to them.

“Hi guys.” Y/n smiled softly as she stood beside Olivia.

“What brings our favorite therapist here?” Munch said as he sat on his chair, offering a smile.

“Don’t let Huang hear you or he’ll be hurt.” Fin joked.

Y/n rolled her eyes. “We have different but similar professions. I don’t think Huang will mind.” She grinned as she looked at Munch. “I was on my way to court, but I thought you’d need a copy of my report from the Lopez case. I have some time before I need to be there.” She placed the file on Elliot’s desk. She then smiled as she looked back at Olivia. “Can I talk to you?” She whispered softly, enough for Olivia to hear.

Olivia nodded as she offered a small smile. “Sure.” She looked back at the guys and smiled. “Be right back, gonna walk y/n out.” She placed her hand on y/n’s back and walked with her.

Truth was that y/n had not only stopped by the precinct to drop off the file, but also because she has been wanting all day to go visit Olivia. They had been secretly dating for a whole year and whenever they had a chance, they’d visit each other, Olivia more often than y/n since they had not told anyone about it. The moment y/n met Olivia, she knew she was screwed because Olivia was in her mind 24/7. Y/n sighed softly as they walked to one of the offices that were pretty much empty, and the squad wouldn’t be able to see that they had gone in there. As soon as the door closed, Olivia placed her hands on y/n’s waist and pushed her against the door, kissing her lips softly. Y/n sighed against her lips as she kissed her back, her hands going to Olivia’s neck to pull her closer, but when she felt Olivia’s hand going under her shirt, she pulled away and looked down, placing her hand on Olivia’s chest to stop her.

Olivia furrowed her brows as she looked at y/n. “Is something wrong?”

Y/n shook her head as she huffed a chuckle. “Liv…we really need to talk about us.” She looked up at Olivia.

“What about us?” Olivia asked softly as she took a step back.

Y/n nibbled on her lip as she looked away for a moment, shrugging as she scoffed. “The fact that after a whole year together…you’re still pulling me into empty offices so you can kiss me, but whenever we’re out of the apartment or the office, it’s like you barely know me.” She looked back at Olivia. “I don’t want to pressure you into coming out. I don’t want to be that person that pressures you into telling everyone that you’re dating a girl, because I am not that person. But Liv…how long is this gonna keep going?”

Olivia took a deep breath as she looked away. She shook her head softly, trying to find the right words to say. “I- I don’t know. I just…I’m not ready.”

“Olivia is not like I’m asking you to put it on the papers. I’m not asking you to tell the whole precinct that we’re dating. But I just cannot be a secret anymore. I want to hold your hand, I want to be able to hug you without you being tensed, I want to take you out on dates, I want to be your person. I want to tell you that I love you without being cautious of who is listening to us.” Y/n sighed as she walked to Olivia and held her hands. “Olivia…I hate to be this person, I really do. But how much longer are we gonna keep pretending that we’re nothing to the world?”

Olivia sighed as she looked down and shook her head. “I just can’t do it.” She looked up at y/n and shrugged. “I’ve told you before why I don’t want to go public.”

“I know the risk of your job. But we both know that’s not the real reason.” Y/n smiled sadly. She then sighed as she leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. “I’ll call you later.” She turned to leave.

“You’re not coming over today?”

Y/n turned to look at Olivia as she opened the door. “I don’t know.” She stared at Olivia for a moment and then left the office.

Y/n knew better than to pressure someone to come out, she had treated so many people before who had told her about how hard it was for them to come out to their families or friends, how it could ruin their life or their jobs, she’s had so many people asking for advice on what to do, and she’s heard of others who have admitted that even if it would affect their lives, they could and would come out. She herself had been hiding who she truly was since she could remember, and the reality was that Olivia had been the person that made her break that idea that she was straight.

She knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating Olivia, she had been in denial of falling for the ‘straight girl’ when she herself had considered herself to be one, but the more she spent time with her, the more she wanted to be with her and the fact that Olivia flirted with her every possible chance, gave away the fact that neither of them were straight. So, she gave them a chance. And no, she didn’t regret it, she had fallen for Olivia, and she somehow knew that Olivia felt the same, but lately, it had been more obvious that Olivia had no intention of mentioning that y/n was her girlfriend. She hated the position she was in, asking Olivia to not be a secret anymore, but she had lived in the dark for so long that she didn’t want to be stuck in there more time.

********************

Olivia knocked softly, looking around as she waited for y/n to open. Once she heard the door opening, she smiled softly as she looked at y/n. “Hi.”

Y/n offered a small smile. “I figured you’d come.” She said softly.

“I couldn’t just leave our conversation like that.”

Y/n nodded and stepped aside to let Olivia in. “I know.”

Olivia walked into the apartment and waited for y/n to close the door. She turned to look at her and offered a smile. “Have you eaten?”

Y/n nodded. “I just finished. I have some leftovers if you want some.”

Olivia shook her head. “I’m good.”

“Anything to drink?”

“I’m good.” Olivia cleared her throat as she looked down at her hands. “Y/n, I-“

“I can’t do this anymore, Liv.” Y/n whispered softly as she looked at Olivia, her eyes watering.

Olivia looked up at y/n, feeling a pressure in her chest. “Y/n…please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry…” Y/n bit her lip as she tried to hold back her tears. “Olivia, we can’t keep this going. I don’t want to be the reason you push yourself to come out. I hate to be that person, and earlier I figured out that I was, and I felt like a hypocrite. I don’t want to pressure you, I don’t want to push you to do that. But I cannot do this. I can’t be hiding again, not when I did it for a long time, I cannot go back to that.” She sobbed softly as she shook her head. “You made me realize who I truly was, and maybe it was me that I just felt safe enough to put it out there, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to do the same. You’re…you’re amazing, Liv. I don’t want us to end up in bad terms. So I’m setting you free.”

Olivia shook her head as she walked to y/n, her hands going to y/n’s cheeks and kissing her forehead softly. “No. Y/n, please. Don’t do this. I just…I can’t. I’m just figuring out who I am, and what I want. This job…I need you, y/n.” She pulled away enough to look down at y/n.

Y/n closed her eyes as she tried to avoid Olivia’s stare. “You don’t have to do anything, Olivia.” She looked at Olivia as she sobbed, tears now rolling down her cheeks. “You can do this at your own pace, and I’ll be here if you need me. But I cannot be part of it anymore. I cannot go at your pace anymore. I need to go at my own pace. And if we keep pushing, if we keep trying…we’re just gonna keep hurting each other, Liv.”

Olivia closed her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head softly. “I’m sorry.” She whispered softly.

Yn smiled sadly, kissing Olivia’s forehead softly. “I’m sorry too.” She whispered and pulled away to look at Olivia, her hands grabbing Olivia’s and kissing the back of them softly. “I’ll be here.”

Olivia nodded as she took a deep breath. “I should go…”

“Okay.” Y/n nodded as she let go of Olivia’s hands.

Olivia opened the door and stood there for a moment, looking back at y/n. “You know I love you, right?”

Y/n smiled sadly. “Yes.”

Olivia nodded one last time before she walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind her.

********************

Casey groaned as she looked down at her watch, waiting for the doors of the elevator to open. She thought she had more time to get to court but it seemed like destiny was not on her side that day and the traffic had been worst than it usually was. So now, here she was, standing right in front of the elevator, hoping that she could make it up in the next 5 minutes. As the doors opened, she went inside and pressed the buttons to close the doors and to the floor she needed to get to, but before the doors closed, she heard someone yelling to stop the doors, and even if she wanted to be selfish that day, she knew that she’d want someone to hold the doors for her if she was the one yelling, so she did just that.

“Thanks.” Y/n breathed out as she literally ran into the elevator, offering a small to Casey.

Casey nodded as she returned the smile. “Floor?”

Y/n looked at the floors and smiled. “Going to the same one.” She looked at Casey and for a moment felt her heart stopping as she noticed the redhead. She cleared her throat and looked at the doors, trying not to look at the redhead again.

Both of them fell into silence as they waited to get to their floor, but again, it seemed like destiny was not in the mood to be nice that day, and suddenly they heard a loud sound coming from the elevator, and suddenly it stopped. While y/n pressed herself again the wall grabbing her cellphone, Casey cursed under her breath and tried to press any button, but nothing was working, groaning as she realized that she’d not get to her arraignment in time. She pressed the emergency button and then got her cellphone out, calling someone to let them know that she was stuck in the elevator, and she wouldn’t make it.

“Guess destiny is not on justice’s side, huh?” Y/n joked as she looked at Casey, a faint grin on her face. “Unless you’re here for the defense?”

Casey huffed a chuckle. “The first one sounds right.” She turned to look at y/n and smiled. “You?”

Y/n shrugged. “I was supposed to testify but…guess that won’t be happening today.”

Casey chuckled softly as she nodded. “Yep.” She put her cellphone back in her briefcase and sighed. “Well…guess we’ll be here for a while.” She offered a smile and extended her hand. “I’m Casey.”

“I’m y/n.” Y/n smiled softly as she took Casey’s, for a moment her breathing stopped again as she held her hand for a little longer than she expected, noticing Casey’s faint smirk on her face. She let go of her hand and cleared her throat, putting a strand of hair behind her ear. “So…uh…ADA?”

“Yeah, actually. I recently started in SVU.”

Y/n scoffed as she looked down at the floor. “I’m familiar with it.”

Casey’s smile fainted a little as she looked at y/n. “Oh. I’m-“

Y/n looked back at Casey. “No! No, I mean…I’ve worked with them. I’m…I’m a therapist. I used to…to treat some of the victims.”

“Oh! Yes, I…heard Huang mentioning you once. They really miss you.” Casey grinned.

Y/n shrugged as she grinned. “Can’t say I’m not better than Huang but.” She chuckled softly.

Casey chuckled as she nodded. “Well, I’d definitely love to work with you if you ever think about going back.” She grinned.

Y/n stared at her for a moment, a smile appearing on her face without her noticing. “To see me or to actually work with me?”

Casey shrugged. “Maybe both.” She nibbled on her lip as she tried to hold back a smile.

Y/n’s eyes landed on Casey’s lips, suddenly she was left speechless. Her eyes went back to green ones, her smile widening. “We can always go for a coffee, or…lunch?”

“I was thinking the same thing.” Casey smiled, looking into her briefcase, and getting a small card along with a pen. She wrote something on it and then handed it to y/n. “That’s my personal number. We can arrange a day and time.”

Y/n looked down at it and smiled softly, nodding her head as she looked back at Casey. “Sounds like a plan.”

Before they could say anything else, the doors to the elevator opened, making them turn their heads and look at the officers that had forced the doors open. Casey mentioned that she had to run but that she’d see her again soon and then exited the elevator, leaving y/n with a smile on her face as she watched her go. She walked out of the elevator and looked down at the card in her hand, smiling as she saw her name and the phone number. She had told herself that she would only focus on herself after the heartbreak that she had gone through 6 months ago, but she was not about to lose a chance to go on a date with a pretty redhead. Maybe after all, destiny hadn’t been as bad as she thought.

********************

“Do you really need to go to that conference?” Casey pouted as she looked at y/n.

Y/n chuckled softly as she walked around the desk and pushed Casey’s chair back, so she was able to sit on her lap, wrapping her arms around her neck and pecking her lips softly. “It’s just for 2 days, and I won’t be too far away. I’ll just be in Chicago.” She ran her hand through Casey’s hair. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Yeah, well, I got a lot of work so that’s good.” Casey smiled softly as she looked up at her girlfriend. “I can take you to the airport in the morning, I got some time.”

Y/n smiled softly. “I’d love that actually.” She chuckled as she leaned down and kissed her lips softly. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?”

“You know we are, wouldn’t miss it for anything.” Casey whispered against her lips. “But, I do have to go to court right now. I got some motions and need to pay a visit to Petrovsky.”

“Of course you do.” Y/n chuckled as she stood up.

“You wanna come with me? We are going the same way anyway.” Casey stood up and grabbed her briefcase, looking back at her and smiling.

Y/n smiled softly and nodded. “Sure.”

It had been a whole year since Casey and y/n had started dating. Y/n had been more than nervous once things started getting serious with Casey to say the least, after their first date, y/n thought that maybe Casey would want to leave it there and they wouldn’t go for a second date, but Casey had been so sweet and charming, looking at y/n in a way that made her feel butterflies in her stomach and she was pretty sure that the whole date, she had been blushing like a teenager. The date had been longer than she had expected, they had stayed at the coffee shop for so long, and then they walked around for a while until they got back to y/n’s. The second date, Casey had taken her to a fancy and beautiful restaurant, and y/n felt like she was in heaven by the way Casey was treating her, everything was just perfect.

Y/n really found it pretty hard to think that she had someone like Casey in her life, things seemed too good to be truth and when Casey confessed she wanted them to be more, y/n felt so scared to be a secret again, but there was not turning back now, not when she was falling hard for Casey, and she wanted nothing more than to give their relationship a chance; and she had taken the best decision ever. The first time she thought Casey would only introduce her as a friend, was one time that Casey had invited her to the batting cages; y/n had told Casey that she wanted to see her play or at least practice, so Casey had invited her to come with her after work. What she didn’t expect was to find some of Casey’s colleagues that also happened to practice there, and when Casey had greeted them, she had thought about stepping aside and wait until she was done talking to them, but to her surprise, Casey grabbed her hand and pulled her to her side to introduce her as her girlfriend.

Y/n remembered the way her heart almost burst out of her chest at the love and happiness she felt, for a moment she believed she was dreaming, but when Casey wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled her closer, she knew it was real. That’s when y/n figured out that Casey was not ashamed of showing her off and that she really meant it when she said she was in love with her. She had told Casey about her failed relationship with Olivia but never told her it had been with her, just told her what had happened, so she thought maybe Casey wanted to show her that she was willing to make their relationship work. That was the first time that y/n had felt truly free, not afraid to show who she was and to show the person she loved, it was when she figured out that she couldn’t imagine her life without Casey, and that she’d do anything to keep her in it.

“Please call me once you’re in the hotel.” Casey said as she placed y/n’s suitcase on the floor, wrapping her arms around y/n’s waist and smiling. “And please be safe.”

Y/n chuckled softly as she wrapped her arms around Casey. “I will be, Novak. I’m a big girl.” She smiled.

“You’re still my baby.” Casey grinned as she kissed her forehead softly.

Y/n blushed slightly as she looked up at Casey. “I’ll miss you.” She grinned.

Casey smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips softly. “Just 2 days, and then I’ll pick you up and we’ll go for dinner.”

“And dessert?” Y/n raised her brow playfully as she smirked.

Casey chuckled as she leaned down. “That one will be when we get home.” She whispered in her ear and nibbled on her earlobe.

Y/n bit her lip and pushed Casey’s back enough to look at her. “Case!” She chuckled softly. “I cannot wait.”

Casey smiled and pecked her lips one more time. “I love you.”

Y/n smiled softly. “I love you more. Be safe yourself.” She pecked her lips and then grabbed her suitcase. “Try not to miss me too much!” She yelled as she walked away.

“I’ll try my best.” Casey chuckled as she watched her girlfriend go.

*******************

“Thanks for coming for a drink with me.” Olivia said as she looked back at Casey, offering a small smile.

Casey shrugged. “Of course, I knew you needed one, and I never say no to one either.” She grinned.

Olivia chuckled as she looked down at her drink. “Elliot told you what happened in there, huh?”

“Yeah...” Casey offered a sympathetic smile. “I don’t blame you for going off on him.”

“He was so proud of wanting to marry a fifteen year old.” Olivia scoffed. “Fifteen, Casey. And he swore that because he offered a good life, it was okay. And he called me a bitter bitch.” She chuckled as she took a sip of her drink. “Though…he might be right.”

Casey frowned. “What you mean?”

Olivia sighed. “I had my chance…to have a good relationship. Someone who really cared about me, didn’t mind my job or hectic hours. They looked out for me, always. They made sure I was okay and made sure I knew I was loved.” She smiled sadly as she looked up at Casey. “I lost it, because I was stupid enough to let them go.”

Casey tilted her head as she listened to Olivia. “We all make mistakes, Liv.”

“I was an idiot, Case. I’m sure they’d have done everything for me and, I just…blew it.” Olivia sighed heavily as she played with her glass, staring at it. “It took me a while but…I figured out that they could’ve been the one.” She looked at Casey and smiled. “You got someone waiting for you?”

Casey smiled as she nodded. “Well…she’s on a trip right now but…I do.”

Olivia smiled. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Would you give up everything for her?”

Casey smiled softly as she looked down at her drink. She nodded softly then, looking up at Olivia. “I would.” She said softly. “I cannot imagine life without her. It’s the first time in years that I actually feel loved and the first time in years that I actually am willing to give everything for her.”

Olivia smiled. “She’s a lucky girl.”

“I’m the lucky one.” Casey chuckled.

“And who’s the lucky girl? Someone I know?”

Casey tilted her head. “Actually-“

Olivia looked down at her phone and groaned as she picked up. “Benson.” She sighed as she stood up. “I’m on my way.”

“Everything okay?”

Olivia shook her head. “Apparently not.” She was about to reach in her pocket to get some money.

“Hey, it’s on me. Go.”

Olivia offered a smile. “Thank you.” She said before she left the bar.

********************

“So, we have nothing?” Casey looked back at them.

“It’s bull. He’s not mentally ill. He’s trying to trick us.” Elliot said as he looked back at Casey. “Let’s wait for Huang and he’ll tell us that he’s manipulating us.”

“Huang said he asked for a favor, he can’t come.” Cragen said as he walked to where the squad was.

“Who is it?” Olivia asked but before Cragen could answer, they all looked at the doors.

Casey smiled. “Baby, what are you doing here?”

Olivia turned to look at the person that Casey was greeting, and she felt her heart dropping as her eyes laid on y/n. Did she hear Casey say baby? Was that…shit. After Olivia and y/n had broken up, y/n had decided to not accept any more cases from SVU, she had asked Huang if he could find someone else because she wanted to fully focus on private practice, and SVU cases were taking a lot of time from her, so she never really saw Olivia again. Even though she had said that she didn’t want them to end on bad terms, y/n couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Olivia and working with her when her heart was completely broken. As for Olivia, she had tried to call y/n a bunch of times, but she never answered again and after hearing that she wouldn’t go to the precinct anymore, she knew then that y/n wanted nothing to do with her. So seeing her here after so long, almost 2 years later, and now knowing that she was the girl Casey had been talking about, broke Olivia’s heart even more.

Y/n stared at Olivia for a moment but then decided to walk to Casey who was already walking to her. “Huang called me. Asked me if I could cover for him.” She smiled as Casey kissed her lips softly.

“You and Novak. That is unexpected.” Fin grinned as he looked at both women.

“What can I say? I won the lottery.” Casey said as she kissed the side of y/n’s head.

Y/n smiled as she looked at Casey. “We both did.” She said softly as she kissed her cheek. “Alright. Anything I need to know?”

Olivia only stared at both Casey and y/n as they updated y/n with the case, giving her some information so she didn’t walk into the room in blank. She knew she had to focus on the case, and that y/n was here for the perp, but the fact that she was dating Casey pissed her more than she expected. She was sure that sooner or later, y/n would find someone who could fulfill y/n’s needs, that would love her and that would look out for her the way Olivia was not able to. But the fact that it was Casey Novak who made her happy, who was able to kiss her, hold her, go back home to her, it was pissing Olivia off. Y/n then walked into the interrogation room, and they all stood in Cragen’s office, looking through the window and focusing on their conversation.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had y/n here. It’s nice to have her back.” Elliot said as he smiled.

“My girlfriend is good at what she does.” Casey said softly as she grinned.

“Could you not talk? We’re trying to listen.” Olivia suddenly snapped, looking at Casey and then back at y/n and the perp.

Elliot frowned and looked at Casey who looked back at him, but right after they shook it off, focusing on the conversation. 20 minutes later, y/n had gotten more information than they had done in the last 2 hrs, Casey turned to Elliot and asked him to check his phone record and make sure to find anything at all, leaving Casey and Olivia alone in Cragen’s office. They both stayed quiet for a little longer, y/n looking at the window a while after to let them know that she was about to finish with him.

“She only needed 20 minutes to get him to talk. Isn’t she amazing?” Casey said proudly as she looked at Olivia, a smile on her face.

“Yes, Casey. We know how she works. We have no doubt that she’s good. Or she didn’t tell you that she used to work with us?” Olivia snapped as she turned closed the blinds and turned to leave the office.

“Do you have a problem, Olivia?” Casey frowned as she walked to Olivia.

Olivia turned to look at Casey. “No. I have no problem.”

“You just…completely changed in an instant. Is there anything bothering you or-“

“Look, Casey, we’re really not friends for me to tell you about my problems or go to you to talk. So, don’t pretend like you want to know if I’m okay or not.” Olivia scoffed as she shook her head, turning to walk away.

Casey scoffed as she shook her head. “Oh, now we’re not friends? What happened to that night weeks ago when we were having a drink and talking?”

Olivia shrugged. “We’re colleagues, colleagues do that.”

Casey nodded as she looked away. “Got it.” She offered a smile. “I’m sorry that I thought we were friends.” She passed Olivia and opened the door to walk out of the office.

Olivia sighed heavily as she looked up and found y/n going to Casey, giving her a kiss on the cheek, and smiling at something Casey told her. If she thought she had a chance to get y/n back, now it was long gone. She had found happiness, she had found her person…and Olivia…well…she was wishing she was in Casey’s place.

********************

Olivia knocked on Casey’s door and leaned against the door frame. Casey looked up from her notepad and offered a small smile. “Can I come in?” She showed Casey the bag of food she had in her hands and smiled a little. “I brought Chinese.”

Casey huffed a chuckle and nodded. “C’mon in.”

“I thought you might want a little help in the Duvall case.” Olivia smiled as she sat down and placed the bag in a place where it wouldn’t mess with Casey’s paperwork.

Casey nodded. “Yeah, just going through notes.” She sighed. “But that’s not the only reason you’re here, right?”

Olivia shook her head as she smiled. “I’m sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. I never got to say I was sorry.”

Casey nodded. “I figured you were just going through something, and I made you snap.”

Olivia shrugged. “Maybe, I still shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

“Well, you brought me dinner, so you’re forgiven.” Casey smiled.

“Y/n is not coming?” Olivia asked as she grabbed the bag and looked inside to get the boxes of food.

“Uh, no. She was invited to present a class in Columbia, so I told her I’d meet her at home.” Casey smiled.

“Good.” Olivia looked up at Casey and smiled. “You really are lucky, Case.”

Casey frowned slightly and then smiled. “I know.”

Olivia knew it was not her place to talk about the relationship she had with y/n, not if y/n had not told Casey anything about it. As much as she wanted to tell Casey that y/n had been the person she was talking about back in the bar, she knew that if she mentioned it, it might cause problems between Casey and y/n, and the last thing she wanted, was to have Casey coming after her or y/n getting hurt, so she decided that the best option was to continue as if nothing had happened, and be in good terms with Casey, after all, they were working together.

After an hour or so going over Casey’s notes and the files, Olivia decided to go get some coffee, seeing the hour and realizing that they would definitely spend more time in Casey’s office than they wanted to. She knew that because of the hour, she’d have to walk for a bit to find an open coffee shop, taking her around 30 minutes to get the coffee and go back to Casey’s office. Once she was back, she frowned as she noticed the lights in Casey’s office were now off, for a moment believing that Casey had gone home.

“Casey, I had to go three blocks to find the open coffee shop, if you went home, I’m gonna kill you.” Olivia huffed a chuckle as she opened the door but then she noticed it was completely dark and quiet, frowning again as she reached for the switch of the light and turning it on, finding Casey passed out on the floor. “Casey…” She whispered softly as she dropped the coffee and knelt on the floor to check Casey’s pulse. She got her phone out and dialed 911 asking for a bus and to be quick cause Casey was not responding. She put her phone back in her coat and tried to check if Casey was bleeding from anywhere else, panic suddenly taking over.

After the ambulance and the police arrived, she told Elliot that she’d ride with Casey and to call y/n if he had the chance. The whole ride to the hospital, Olivia kept staring at Casey and hoped that she’d wake up, but she kept hearing that she was not responding but there was a pulse. She held Casey’s hand the whole ride, mumbling a prayer, or anything at all for Casey to wake up and to be alright, she felt guilty for leaving her there and taking so long to find the coffee shop. Once in the hospital,  they got Casey right into surgery and they asked Olivia to wait in the waiting room. She kept pacing around as she waited, her mind filled with thoughts as she tried to remember if she saw someone or anyone that could’ve hurt Casey, and then it hit her that they had sent flowers, and for a moment they had joked that maybe y/n had sent them, which in all honesty, it made Olivia feel a little jealous, but she didn’t say anything. So, if it hadn’t been from y/n, someone else went to Casey’s office and attacked her. As was lost in thought and pacing around the room, she didn’t notice y/n walking into the waiting room, calling for Olivia until she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to find y/n right in front of her.

“Y/n…” Olivia breathed out.

“Where’s Casey?” Y/n asked almost out of breath.

Olivia took a deep breath as she tried to focus back on the present. “She’s…she’s in surgery. She has a concussion and I think…broken ribs. I don’t…I don’t really know.”

“What happened?” Y/n’s voice trembled as she looked at Olivia, her eyes filling with tears.

“We were…we were going over the case, and we were just talking about it and going over the options, and I offered to go for coffee. I left for…for 30 minutes. And I came back, and she was passed out on the floor. I don’t know-“

“Is there a suspect? Is there someone that wanted to hurt Casey?”

Olivia looked at y/n and shook her head. “I don’t know, y/n.”

Y/n sobbed as she turned away from Olivia, her hands going through Casey’s hair. “I should’ve gone to her office instead of home.”

Olivia sighed as she tried to place her hand on y/n’s shoulder. “Y/n, we didn’t know this would happen-“

“You left her alone.” Y/n turned again to look  at Olivia, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Why did you leave her alone?”

Olivia was taken aback by the question, looking at y/n with disbelief. “Y/n…I didn’t know this was gonna happen.”

“Are you sure?” Y/n snapped.

Olivia scoffed. “What? You think that because I found out you’re dating Casey, that I decided to, what, let a perp or a random person go to Casey’s office to attack her? Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“Oh, please. Casey told me the way you acted the day I went to the precinct. You were rude when she doesn’t even have any idea about you.”

“I called you. A million times. I regretted so much to let you go so easily. And you never answered!”

“I moved on, so what, Olivia? It’s been almost two years. You thought I’d sit around and wait until you were okay with coming out and telling people that you had something with me? You had no right to treat Casey like that, she did nothing to you. If you wanna take it out on someone, it should be me. Not Casey.” Y/n started to raise her voice as she stared at Olivia.

“I should be the one making you happy and holding your hand! I should be the one loving you, not Casey!”

“You had your chance! I gave you a chance and you took it for granted! I moved on, and I met Casey, and you know what?! Casey is the best thing that has happened to me! I love her like I have never loved anyone! And if I lose her, this will be on you, Olivia!”

“That’s enough!”

Olivia and y/n turned to look at Elliot standing just a few feet away from them. Suddenly they both remembered they were in the waiting room of the hospital and a few people that were there were now staring at them. Y/n swallowed hard as she looked down at the floor, trying to calm down as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Elliot then walked to them and placed a hand on y/n’s shoulder.

“I’ll go ask for Casey, to see if she’s out of surgery.” Y/n whispered softly, walking out of the waiting room.

Elliot stared at Olivia and placed his hand on her shoulder. “What was that about?”

Olivia looked at Elliot with tears in her eyes. “I blew it. I lost y/n a long time ago, and now it’s too late.”

Elliot sighed as he nodded. “You two were dating back when she was helping us, huh?” Olivia nodded. “Why you never told me?”

“I was not sure of who I was or what I wanted, I was confused. I’m not twenty anymore. I was just-“ Olivia shrugged. “I don’t know.” She sniffled as she shook her head. “And I blew it. And now she’s happy with Casey, and I’m still here wishing that it was me.”

“Liv…you need to let her go. She was out of line, what happened to Casey had nothing to do with you, it’s not your fault. But you need to let her go.”

Olivia stared at Elliot as she tilted her head, more tears rolling down her cheeks. “I know.” She whispered softly.

********************

Casey opened her eyes slowly, turning her head as she noticed y/n leaning over her arm fast asleep. She smiled softly and slowly moved her other hand to run her fingers through y/n’s hair. Y/n took a deep breath as she opened her eyes and looked up to find Casey staring at her. “Hi sleepyhead.” Casey whispered softly.

Y/n’s face softened as she smiled. “Welcome back, baby.”

Casey smiled. “I fell asleep as soon as I talked to Olivia.”

Y/n nodded softly. “You did. But that’s okay…you need all the possible rest.” She smiled softly as she got up and leaned down to kiss Casey’s forehead softly. “Do you want some water?”

Casey shook her head slowly. “I’m good.” She sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

Y/n sat in bed and brought Casey’s hand to her lips, kissing the back of it softly. “Anything.”

“It was Olivia, wasn’t it? Your heartbreak.” Casey said softly, almost in a whisper as she looked at y/n.

Y/n sighed as she looked at Casey’s hand and then up at her again, nodding softly. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Y/n shrugged. “I didn’t think it was important. Olivia and I…we broke up and after that, we tried to continue working together but it wasn’t easy. And I stopped talking to her and going to the precinct. We lost contact until that day when I went to the precinct again.” She bit her lip softly. “I didn’t mean to hide it from you, Case. If I would’ve known that Olivia was going to act that way-“

“You have history with her. I don’t blame her. I can’t say that I wouldn’t react the way she did.” Casey grinned.

Y/n huffed a chuckle as she shook her head. “Still, she had no right to treat you like that, Casey.”

Casey shrugged. “I can handle it.” She smiled. “So…are you really over her?”

Y/n tilted her head. “You really asking me that?” She smiled. “Case, I’ve been over her since the moment I met you. Even before that. Yes, what I had with Olivia…it was something. She was the first woman I was with, but things didn’t work with her. And I have you, Casey. And no, you’re not a rebound or replacement or anything. I love you, Casey. And I’d do anything not to lose you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” She felt her eyes getting teary as she spoke, afraid that Casey would tell her that they had to break up.

Casey sighed softly as she pulled y/n closer, signaling her to lean down. “I’m not going anywhere, my love. I love you too much to let you go. But…I just needed to know.” She smiled once y/n was resting her forehead against Casey’s carefully. “You cannot get rid of me.”

Y/n chuckled softly. “I better not. I mean it, Casey.”

Casey nodded. “And I mean it too. I love you, and I’d do anything for you. I cannot imagine my life without you either.” She grinned. “We’re too cheesy.”

Y/n laughed softly. “We’re disgusting.” She smiled as she kissed Casey’s lips softly. “Please, never leave me.”

“Not planning to.” Casey smiled as she kissed her lips again.

********************

Y/n took a deep breath as she walked to Olivia’s desk, thankful that the rest of the squad was gone. She cleared her throat softly, making Olivia look up at her. “Hi.”

Olivia sighed. “Hi.”

“I uh…I wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry if I didn’t call before.”

Olivia shook her head. “It’s okay. You want to go somewhere else?”

Y/n shook her head. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I was stressed and worried about Casey.” She sighed. “I really didn’t mean to tell you all those things.”

“But you were right.” Olivia stood up and leaned over her desk. “I shouldn’t have snapped at Casey. I shouldn’t have told you all those things. You had every right to move on.”

Y/n nodded. “You meant so much to me, Olivia. You really did. And you always will.”

Olivia smiled. “But you found your person.”

Y/n smiled. “I did.” She whispered softly.

“I can see that now. And I am so sorry. I’m happy that you’re happy. I truly am. And I hope we can move on from this and…maybe start over.” Olivia smiled as she extended her hand.

Y/n nodded as she held Olivia’s hand. “I’d like that.” She smiled.

Olivia let go of her hand and smiled. “Good. I’m really happy for you, y/n. And I am sorry about what happened to Casey.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.” Y/n smiled. “I know you’ll find the right person, Liv. Just…live your life as you want it. Don’t overthink it too much.”

“I will.” Olivia smiled. “Take care.”

Y/n smiled. “You too.” She squeezed Olivia’s shoulder before she walked away.

Y/n knew that what she had with Olivia had been special, she had helped her figure out that after all, she had been living in denial her whole life and she had been hiding her true self. Sadly, what she had hoped to have with Olivia, had not worked out the way she wanted, and she believed that somehow, it could’ve been fate telling her that Olivia was not the right person. As cheesy as she thought it was, she knew deep inside that Casey was her person, and the one that she wanted to spend her whole life with. Olivia would always hold a place in her heart, but Casey was her person, and she wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

[estrellami-1]

If I Should Stay

Part 1 | . . . | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

After pizza—and after El wakes up and eats her own pizza—everyone gathers around again to listen to Steve and Robin. “So I think by now we’ve proven we’re from the future,” Steve says. “We’re here, four years in the past, because a lot of bad things happen, and if we can, we’d like to stop those things from happening. The big one, and really the recurring problem, is a guy named Henry Creel who essentially took control of an alternate plane of existence we call the Upside Down.” He motions El over beside him, and she goes gladly, tucking her feet up onto the couch as she leans into his side, trusting him to hold her up. He does, sliding a protective arm around her shoulders as he says, “He’s also One.”

He watches as one by one the lightbulbs come on. “Oh, shit,” Dustin whispers, and Steve doesn’t even call him on it, just nods.

“Beyond Henry, though, there are creatures in the Upside Down that can and will kill you.” He rolls his eyes fondly at the boys. “For some inexplicable reason, you came up the names, so they’re called demogorgons, demodogs, and demobats. Demogorgons are what took Barb and Will, but they both got away. That doesn’t mean they’re safe, though. Like El said earlier, Barb was safe in the moment, but it’s still a very dangerous place. There are vines everywhere that are connected to a hive mind. You step on one, and Henry knows you’re there.”

He continues telling the story, Robin interrupting when there’s a detail he misses. It’s silent when they finish. Finally, El speaks up. “So, it is… my fault?”

“No, El,” Steve says softly. “None of this is your fault. Things out of your control happened that made you who you are. Those same things created all of this.”

El frowns. “So I am bad? Like One? Like the Upside Down?”

“No,” Mike says sharply. “You’re good, El.”

“He’s right,” Steve murmurs. “You made yourself good.” He pokes her arm teasingly, and she smiles, leaning back into him.

Steve looks around, catches Nancy’s eye, and sighs. “Nance? A word?”

“Steve?” Robin asks.

He shakes his head. “I’ll yell if I need you,” he promises, rubbing her head as he passes. She squawks and bats his hand away.

“Asshole,” she mutters, and he laughs as he disappears down the hallway, Nancy in tow.

They end up in a room Steve thinks was meant to be a study. “You have questions.”

“Understatement of the century. There’s just one that’s really bugging me, though.”

“Us?”

“Yeah.”

Steve sighs and leans against the wall. “On Halloween, Tina throws a party. We didn’t know what we do now, about the Upside Down, and you were still looking for her. I was an asshole, self-centered and unhelpful.” He blows out a breath, crosses his arms, and looks away. “You got drunk, called me, and my love for you, bullshit. Left. I tried to talk to you the next day at school about it and you couldn’t say you loved me. I was still hopeful. I’m a romantic at heart, y’know? I thought maybe if I could be everything you needed, if I changed enough, if, if, if…” he shakes his head. “So we stayed together. I tried. You slept with Jonathan Byers, then broke up with me.”

Nancy looks horrified. “Steve-”

He shakes his head. “I made my peace with it. And maybe this makes me an asshole, I dunno, but Nance, I can’t go back. We’re okay, we’re friends, but I can’t pretend I still have feelings for you. I’m sorry, but we both know I was just convenient for you.”

Nancy takes a breath. “So that’s it?”

Steve shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know what you want me to do. I tried and got my heart broken for it. I moved on, found someone I think I can really be happy with, without changing who I am. And for the record? It gets rocky for a second, but I think you and Byers are it, too.” He smirks. “Plus Mike likes him better than me.”

Nancy rolls her eyes. “Oh, well, if Mike likes him better…” they both laugh, and she looks at him. “No more feelings?”

He shakes his head. “We make much better friends.”

Nancy grins lopsidedly. “And Robin?”

Steve snorts. “Purely platonic, I promise. Neither of us want anything else with each other.”

Nancy looks at him then. Studies him. “You’ve been through some shit,” she decides. “But you look happy.”

He smiles. “I am, for the most part. I know who I am.”

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[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[ihavethedreamies]

Within an Inch of Your Life | Shownu [NSFW]

Son Hyunwoo (Shownu - MONSTA X)

Rating: M (18+) MDNI

Word Count: ~4.6k

Pairing: Shownu x AFAB!Reader

Genre: Reader-Insert, Smut, Romance, Some Angst, Very Little Plot, Very Dirty

!!This is smut…if that much isn't clear you should probably leave now!! MDNI!

Warnings: She/Her Pronouns used, Swearing, Kissing, Oral (M! Receiving), Hickeys, Deepthroating, Face-Fucking, Fingering, Pet Names (Pumpkin, Princess, Sweet Girl, etc.), Very Dirty Talk, Unprotected Sex (Use a condom, reader is on the pill in this story)

Author's Note: This is my first fic, holy cow.

EDIT (7/22/24): I fixed this. Since it was my first fic, it wasn't up to my current standards. I mostly just Beta-ed it and fixed some grammar/spelling, maybe tweaked some sentences.

I am cross-posting this on Archive and Wattpad. Please reblog! If you know anyone that would like this or future fics but they aren't on here my name and icon are exactly the same on the other sites. Happy reading!

You stared at the ceramic cup on your bathroom vanity, the cheap blue toothbrush glaring back at you. It sat in there amongst your own teeth cleaning products, mocking you. The bright color stark against the black and white of everything else in the bathroom, even your own toothbrush. Reaching out you placed your own that you had just finished using in the cup and grabbed the blue one. Staring down at it, you weren't sure how to feel. It had been a few weeks since it’d been used. And it never would again. Blinking, then sighing, you left the bathroom, and stopped next to the trash can outside the door near the kitchen. Your foot rested on the paddle to open the lid, you inhaled, then pressed down as you exhaled. Your hand holding the toothbrush lingered over the gaping bin. Swallowing a lump in your throat you didn't expect to be there, you gripped the brush tighter. Emotion whelmed in you, but you couldn't pinpoint what kind. Were you angry? Guilty? Sad? Fuck it. You harshly threw the brush in the can and let the lid slam closed as your foot left the peddle.

"What's with the aggression?" Yuna called to you from the other side of the apartment where she was on your couch. She was rubbing sleep from her eyes as she sat up from her sleeping perch.

"Don't worry about it." You were still staring at the trash can, now closed. You heard her bare feet pad on the hardwood floor as she came up to you. She blew her nose into a napkin she grabbed from the counter behind the can, and you stepped out of the way to let her throw away the used paper.

"Oh." Realization hit her. She saw the toothbrush, which was the only thing in there. You moved away and into the kitchen to get your coffee ready as she took a place on a stool at the counter.

"What even happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you two break up?" she asked and you exhaled. Grabbing a coffee mug, you put the cup on the perch of your coffee maker and pressed the largest button. You didn't answer.

"Was he bad in bed or something?"

"No."

"Did he cheat on you?"

"No."

"Controlling? Possessive?"

"No. Not really."

"Then why? You don't seem all that torn up about it."

"It’s a bit of a relief…"

"A relief? Why?"

"I…I was pity-dating him."

"WHAT!?"

"Calm down. He had been in love with me for years, and I felt bad for turning him down so much…Also, I was, frustrated without Younghoon being here…"

"So, you used him? That's harsh."

"Look, he wouldn't leave me alone, kept asking me out, getting me things. Might as well make it easier and say yes…"

"So, why did you break it off?"

"I didn't."

"He broke up with you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I told him."

"Told him what?"

"That I was pity-dating him…"

"Fuck. That must have been rough."

"Yeah." You stared down as the swirling liquid in your cup, having stopped stirring the cappuccino mix in.

"I felt so guilty I had to come clean." You rested back against the counter crossing your arms, somewhat hugging yourself.

"Why? Why not just break up with him? You had to tell him?"

"Yes."

"What made you do that?"

"Because…" Your words got caught in your throat, the realization hitting you.

"B-because. I can't lie to those I love." Your voice cracked, causing her face to soften.

"You fell in love with him."

"Y-yeah."

"Then why not stay in the relationship?"

"I don't want a real relationship with him built on a lie. I had to come clean." You stood up straight, ignoring your drink and going to sit on your bed. You buried your face in your hands, your throat caught as you swallowed, your eyes burned.

"Oh, girlie." Yuna followed you, sitting on your bed next to you, and pulled you into a hug.

"I'm such a fucking horrible person." You sobbed, and she rubbed your back.

"I love him. I do. I was in denial. It hit me so suddenly and so hard, I think I must have felt that way longer than I realized. God, forgive me." you cried as she held you. Her phone went off as your sobs subsisted and she went to answer it.

"Shit. I have to get to class. I'll message you later." She kissed your forehead and gathered her stuff, leaving your apartment. Leaving your cooling drink on the kitchen counter, you curled back up in bed and fell asleep.

~*~*~

"(Y/N)!" Yuna slammed her palm on the door, ringing the bell a few times. She knew you were home. She could see your bag and keys on the table through the window. You hadn't answered her calls or texts for three days and wouldn't answer the door either.

"Yuna?" A man's voice caught her attention and she turned to see Hyunwoo coming up the stairs to get to the second-floor apartment.

"Hyunwoo! What are you doing here?" She quieted her voice, not sure how you might react if you heard. She knew your recent lack of actions was due to the breakup, and your revelation of feelings for the man.

"I was going to get my stuff and leave my key." His voice was noticeably flat, and the woman couldn't read his expression.

"You have a key!" Your friend lunged forward, snagging the set of keys from his hands. She shoved the metal into the lock and opened the door.

"(Y/N)!" she shouted, storming in.

~*~*~

You buried deeper into your pillows and sheets as Yuna banged on your door. You didn't want to see anyone, not even her. You felt you didn't deserve her comfort. You were a shitty person who did a shitty thing. You flinched when you heard a key in the lock, wondering who the hell was there. Yuna didn't have a key, and only your uncle did as the landlord. You had given the second key to your ex…to Hyunwoo.

"(Y/N)!" The other woman's harsh shout broke the silence you had been dwelling in. You hoped your uncle was there too, who else would have let her in? You are jarred to attention as your friend yanked your comforter off of you and the bed.

"What?" you snapped, and she climbed on the bed, flipping you over to force you to sit up.

"You bitch! You left me on read!" She put you in a playful headlock and ruffled your unkempt hair. You had showered, but a hairbrush? Who is she? You shoved Yuna off, and she got off the bed, stomping away. When she came back you heard another set of footsteps along with hers, too heavy to be even be your uncle.

"The only way you are going to get over this pity party you threw yourself is by telling the truth!" Yuna snapped, dragging your now ex-boyfriend into view past the half wall that separated your sleeping area from the living room. He stood there, staring at you. You wouldn't meet his gaze. Yuna moved into the kitchen, looking in the fridge and hastily writing stuff on your grocery list pad.

"I am going to go buy you food, you two better talk!" She pointed at you sternly, at him, and then left. You were left in silence with him.

"W-why are you here?" Your voice was scratchy, mouth dry.

"Came to get my stuff." He nodded toward the dresser drawer where his stuff still was.

"Ah." You licked your chapped lips. You hadn't drunk or eaten much in the last three days. He could tell, he knew you too well. He left your direct line of sight and went to retrieve a bottle of water from your fridge. Coming back, he jutted it into your face. You took it, not meeting his eyes. Your small sips turned into big gulps, the cool liquid a sweet relief.

"What was Yuna talking about? You telling me the truth?" Luckily, you had swallowed before he asked so you didn't choke. Closing the bottle, you threw it further up your bed. You heaved your legs up onto the bed, your knees touching your chest. You chewed on your thumbnail, not knowing how to start.

"You wanna tell me why you broke my heart?" His tone was harsh, a tinge of sadness laced through it. Your breath caught, the stinging in your eyes came back.

"It would have hurt less if you just broke up with me. But telling me you only dated me out of pity? I love you; I have for years-"

"I had to tell you."

"Why?"

"I couldn't keep lying."

"Why not? You had been doing it for nearly seven months." His voice was sharp with anger.

"I-I can’t…" You swallowed a lump, fighting your quivering lip, "I can’t lie to someone I love."

You weren’t sure what his reaction was, you didn't look up at him.

"What?"

"I couldn't keep lying to you. I love you-" You didn't even get the chance to work up the courage to look at him. His hands went quickly to your jaw, hauling you close, up and out of bed. His lips found yours and the kiss was different from any before. You could feel how strong his emotions were. He was rough, domineering, barely letting you breathe. His tongue wrapped around yours, sucking you in. He was practically bent over you, being nearly a foot taller, your neck tipping back far to make up for the rest of the distance. You whined, your hands gripping his shirt from under his jacket. Hyunwoo swallowed you and every little noise you made. As he pulled away, he bit your bottom lip, the tang of blood hitting your tongue. He stepped back abruptly, running his hand through his hair.

"Fuck. Don't play with me." He shook his head, and you stumbled to sit back on your bed.

"I'm not. I didn't…I only realized a few days ago how I felt…"

"What am I supposed to with this, huh?" He paced a bit, roughing his hair up.

"Do what you want. Whatever you decide…" You drifted off, not sure what you wanted him to do. You wanted him to kiss you again. But you felt you deserved him leaving and never talking to you again. You felt he should break your heart, like you did his.

"Part of me wants to walk out of here and never think about you again." He finally got out and the words pierced you, a tear rolling down your cheek.

"Another part of me wants to give you another chance…" You closed your eyes, willing the other tears back.

"But there's something else I really, really want to do." You heard him get closer but refused to look at him. You gasped as his hands dug into the hair at the nape of your neck, pulling your head back, making you look up at him.

"W-what?" His lips were so close to yours and while you weren’t sure what he wanted to do, you wanted it too.

"Please, whatever you want." you whispered, but his lips didn't meet yours. His tongue doesn't taste yours. His mouth instead went to your ear…

"I'm going to fuck you within an inch of your life." You gasped at his words, then found yourself briefly in the air as he threw you back on the bed. Hyunwoo tore his jacket off and finally brought his lips back to yours. A strong thigh jammed between your legs, rubbing against your core, covered only by your thin shorts. His large hand ran down your thigh, hitching it up to his and he grinded his growing hard on into you.

"Fuck." You whimpered as he pulled away from the kiss, a trail of saliva connecting your lips. He stared at you intensely till he dipped back down, latching onto the weak point of your neck, right under your jaw, almost your throat. He sucked hard then bit the flesh, making you shiver. You laid there and let him do whatever. The man left scathing kisses, sucking bruises onto your skin, everywhere: your neck, shoulders -once your shirt was off- your chest, breasts, ribs, stomach. He avoided anything covered by your tiny shorts, giving you more marks on your inner thighs. Your skin was on fire, and you didn't think you cum with just that stimulation, but you were close.

Hyunwoo sat back on his knees, pulling his t-shirt over his head and never before had you been so enthralled. Your type was normally guys with a dancer's body, and pretty, nothing like him. He was devastatingly handsome and while you normally wouldn't care for the taught pecs, ridged abs and sharp v-line of his hips…He truly did look like sex incarnate.

You wanted to sit up, reach for his belt, pull his pants down and let him fuck your throat. But he was in control, entirely. You weren't exactly ever a dominant lover, not really even a switch, but this time it was wholly up to him what happened. Your mouth watered at the sight for the first time, your romantic feelings fueled your sexual desire. He undid his belt and removed his jeans, his hard cock tenting his boxer briefs. Was he always that big?

"Something wrong, pumpkin?" You could hear the smirk in his voice. Due to your previous feelings, or lack-there-of, you never really gave him a good look. He was just your brother's stupid friend. You were getting a really good look in.

"Y-you, uh…" Your mouth watered.

"Wanna taste?" He gripped himself over the fabric and you nodded quickly. He huffed in amusement. Despite the fact you loved a dick in your mouth, you had never done it with him. Didn't let yourself, lest you get hooked. He motioned with his head for you to come closer and you crawled across the bed to where he stood at the foot of it. The bed was the perfect height to allow your face to be perfectly level with his cock. You let out a whimper and he titled his head, watching in amusement. With shaking hands, you reached for the waistband of his boxers and carefully pulled them off. Your mouth watered as he was revealed to you.

"Fuck." You exhaled, watching his dick bob in the air as he stepped out of his final garment. Wiggling your jaw back and forth, you thanked the stars that so many strep-throat tests as a kid killed your gag reflex. You couldn't believe that he had been inside of you before. It made you wonder if your stomach bulged from his girth.

"You just gonna stare?" He stepped closer and you scooched the little bit closer you needed to. Wrapping your lips around the head of his cock, Hyunwoo exhaled in relief, and you groaned at his taste. You rolled your tongue around him like a popsicle, making him tip his head back with a sigh. Without going much further than the tip, you sucked hard and pulled back. This made him bury his hands in your hair to prevent you from going anywhere.

"What-?" He tilted your head to look up at his face.

"Fuck me. My mouth." You cleared your throat, and he blinked in shock before a devious smirk broke out on his handsome face.

"Really? You sure?"

"Please, please-" You opened your mouth as wide as you could, and he slowly thrusted his dick into your mouth. The deeper he went the more saliva built up in your mouth, starting to drip. The head reached the back of your throat and he moved to pull back his hips, but you stopped him. Your hands flew to his thighs, pulling him closer.

"Fucking hell, (Y/N)." His voice had a hint of a whine to it. He was the perfect length. Your nose hit his pelvis, his cock buried in your throat, but not too deep. While somewhat restricted, you could still breathe when he would pull back; that fact made your walls clench, aching to be filled as well. You shuffled a bit, splaying your knees more, lowering you just a bit. This let him angle his cock down a bit more and you looked up at him expectantly. He practically growled at this and began to thrust into your mouth. Tears sprung to your eyes; you weren't sure if it was from what he was doing or the fact that it was happening at all. Drool dripped down your chin, tears from your eyes, and wet from your cunt. You wouldn't be surprised if when he came -down your throat preferably- that you too would climax. His thrusts picked up some, got shallower and his grip pulled at your scalp. The slight sting from your hair, the fat head of his cock battering your throat, and the taste of his precum was sending you into overdrive. While not one for sado-masochism or bondage, a little pain was nice. In the back of his mind, Hyunwoo marveled at the fact that you had not gagged yet. He was too focused on the wet vacuum of your mouth to think about it too much. The sight of your lips swallowing his swollen cock over and over was orgasmic in itself, but the looking your eyes was what sent him over the edge. They were glazed over in pleasure; you already looked so fucked out.

"(Y/N), can I come inside?" He grunted out and you moaned, wanting nothing more.

"Ah fuck." His hips stuttered and you felt the hot, thick cum spray down your throat. He was so deep you almost couldn't taste his release, which…Just. Kept. Going. You swallowed what seemed like over and over and over before he was done.

Hyunwoo pulled out slowly, his cock still half-hard. You caught your breath, finally getting a normal amount of air. Your core was quivering, and you knew you had cum as well from the amount of wetness stuck to the fabric of your shorts. That and your head was swimming.

"Oh, princess." He shook his head, breathing hard himself. You peered up at him with a dazed look and he had never seen you quite like that. He had seen you close, once, your true submissive nature blooming forth. He knew you would let him do anything he wanted, and man was there a lot he wanted to do to you. He had promised to fuck you within an inch of your life, and he was going to make good on it.

"What do you want me to do to you now, sweetheart?"

"Anything." You whined and he groaned, then remembered something. While you had never said it before, he knew you had a thing for hands. You had told him once he wasn't allowed to wear rings because it made his fingers look too good. How easily would you fall apart on his fingers? How many times could he make you come tonight?

"You still on the pill?"

"Yea."

"Good." He hadn't brought any condoms, not thinking anything was going to happen when he left his apartment that morning.

"Scoot up." He ran the back of his finger over your cheek, still damp from tears and you scurried up the mattress. You lay back as he climbed over you; he watched you watch his hand move to your core. He raised an eyebrow as he stroked over the fabric of your shorts. You tended to get very wet very easily, but this was much more than usual.

"Did you cum?" Hyunwoo asked; you nodded sheepishly.

"Oh my god." He dove in, latching onto your lips, not caring that you had just been sucking him dry. Your teeth clacked against his from the messy kiss. His kisses moved from your mouth, down your neck and he settled on your throat again. You were already littered with hickeys, but he was ready to leave more. As he marked your further, he pulled your shorts off roughly, a slight ripping noise coming from the seams. He tossed the last piece of your clothing away, you never slept with underwear on. Finally, his fingers touched your bare pussy, making you whine.

"Oh (Y/N)." He chuckled, burying two fingers in your hot cunt, his thumb finding your swollen clit. You released a long shaky moan, clenching around the digits. He found your weak spot quickly and your hips tilted up, your back arching. You wanted desperately for him to pull his fingers out and fuck you with his delicious cock already, but you refused to say anything. This was for him; he could do whatever he wanted to you, and you would thank him. How had you not realized that this man was the sexiest one on the face of the earth? The pads of his fingers rubbed against your g-spot in just the right way, and it was driving you crazy. His two fingers moved separately, the way they curled and thrusted making the sensations unpredictable. He added a third and spread them, getting you ready for his huge cock. You could feel the strength in his hands, you felt his knuckles rub against your walls, and his palm grinded against your clit.

"H-Hyunwoo!" Your hands landed on his chest, your nails digging into the skin, your release building faster than either of you expected.

"Cum for me, sweet girl." And you did. The breath was knocked out of your lungs, flashes of white dotted your vision. You heard him chuckle, but it sounded like he was far in the distance, rumbling through the air and cutting through the ringing in your ears. When you came down from your high, your vision sharpened, and you saw him smiling down at you. He came closer, bumping his nose against yours, touching his forehead to yours.

"I love you." he whispered, and you hitched a sob, reaching up to cup his jaw. Your thumbs stroked the arch of his cheekbones.

"I love you too." He kissed you softly, his fingers leaving your pussy. His hands cupped your thighs, hitching them up to wrap around his waist. You pulled back from the kiss with a gasp as he stroked his cock against your cunt, fully hard again. Hyunwoo knew he was teasing you, rutting against you, covering his dick in your wetness but refusing to enter you.

"Please, please, please." You began to beg; you weren't even close to ashamed. You needed him inside of you, rearranging your insides, carving himself into you, ruining you for anyone else. His hands came up to yours, still on his cheeks, wrapping his fingers around yours, and pinned them up by your head. With great dexterity, he shifted his hips and began to slip inside of you, still holding your hands. His lips hovered over yours, not quite meeting, your mouth hung open in a silent moan as he split you in half. Not only had it been a while since you two had sex; you hadn't gotten yourself off either. No fingers, no vibrator, nothing. Hyunwoo groaned as he settled deep inside of you. The head of his cock almost touched your cervix, your walls gripping him tighter than they ever had before. Your legs held him close, your ankles linked. It seemed your body refused to let him go. He just sat inside of you, giving you small kisses, and let your walls get used to the stretch. His cock was so deep, it felt like he was in your throat and the delicious burn of the stretch was addicting. It never felt so good before, you used to think the idea sex felt better the more you loved the other person was bullshit. No. You were in euphoria, and he hadn't even moved yet.

"Can I move?" he asked, resting his forehead on your collarbone. He really just wanted to fuck you into the mattress, but he wanted this to last as long as possible.

"Yes." you gasped out, preparing for him to knock loose your kidney but he barely pulled out and then slowly thrust back in, grinding his pelvis into yours. Even this slight movement knocked the wind out of you. The next thrust was a bit faster but just as shallow and his breath mixed with yours as he hovered over you. Not pulling out any further, his hips pumped hard, and you threw your head back. Hyunwoo moved his hands from holding yours to wrapping one around your wrists his free hand moving to your lower back to shift you some. With your legs wrapped around his waist, when he sat up on his knees more your butt left the bed; he manhandled you into a near mating press. Somehow, he got deeper, and you knew if it was a thing, your cervix would get bruised.

"I don't think I can hold back." He grunted; his eyes closed in concentration. What the hell were you in for if he was holding back? You had never been taken quite like that before, by anyone, least of all him. You 'made love'. You were in for him fucking you stupid, like he promised.

"Do what you want." You pled; he had stopped moving and you desperately needed him to keep going.

"You have anywhere to be the next few days?"

"No?"

"Good, because I don't want you to be able to walk when I'm done with you." He gave you a devious smirk, pulling away to rest back on his heels. His strong hands dug into the flesh of your thighs where they rested at his side, holding him to you. You let him move them and exhaled harshly as he forced your knees to your ears, completely and easily folding you in half. Still not moving his hips he leaned down so he could speak right into your ear.

"That pill better work good because I'm going to pump you full of my cum." He thrusted, hard. If your breath hadn't left your lungs, you would have nearly screamed. It wasn't a shallow hard thrust like before, no; he pulled out nearly all the way before slamming back in. Even you could tell how tight your walls were clenching him, desperately trying to hold him in. Not able to tell what part of you wanted him more -your psyche, your heart, or your cunt- you just knew you never wanted him to stop.

"Hyunwoo-" You weren't sure if you could say anything but his name, but his next thrust stopped all thoughts.

"I want my hand shape to be bruised into your skin." He clenched your thighs under your knees.

Another thrust.

"I want to brand you with the feeling of my cock in your cunt so only I can ever satisfy you."

Thrust.

"I want to fuck you on every surface of this apartment." As he recited every filthy desire straight into your ear, he pounded his fat cock so hard into you, you thought he would split you in half.

"I want to paint your skin with my cum and then fill you back up again in the shower."

"I want to fill every part of you that I can. Your pussy, your womb, your mouth, your throat. If you let me, I'll even bury my cock in your ass and paint you white there too."

Your head swam with each word. He was always so sweet and soft before. This was different, he had turned into an animal, and he was determined to fuck you like one.

"I'll do it all. Everything I want. I promise, I will fuck you within an inch of your life."

Master-Master List

[tobiospoiltmilk]

I love you, I’m sorry.

—

summary. in which megumi could not handle avoiding you anymore. apologizing to you by letter, given he could not face you in such circumstances. could this also be an accidental confession?

cw(?). sfw, swearing, !megumi x !femreader, mentions of tsumiki, gojo and your !sister, slight angst, fluff, not proofread, terrible capitalization, reminiscing, reciprocal feelings, childhood friends, mutual pining, things not being casual, lyric/title name mentions (i love you, im sorry, casual, kaleidoscope.), basically megumi is so in love with reader his heart hurts and yearns for her

a/n. omg guys i love this so much agdydhdhsj… very first post so i hope this does well! might consider releasing pt. 2 if it does -sob-

Dear Y/n,

It’s me, Megumi. And before you decide to throw this thing out, or whatever it’s supposed to be… hear me out. Please. I know I haven’t been the greatest to you these past weeks. i’ve been a total jerk, and i’m guessing it really wasn’t a secret now, was it? Yeah… whatever, anyways. I guess i’d like to tell you that i’m sorry. I really, truly am… and i know i don’t seem the type to apologize, but i guess when it comes to you, apologies come easy. Because you deserve every damn apology in the world, and if i had one wish given to me, I wouldn’t… hesitate to use it on you. I don’t know what i’d wish for, but i do know that no matter what, it would always regard to you. When it comes to you, I’m selfish, i guess…? Please don’t make fun of me. i’m only trying to make things right. Not that i should have a say in that right now… because I know i’ve hurt you deeply, i don’t deserve your forgiveness nor your kindness, but yet, some part in my heart believes that you’ll forgive me anyway. No matter what shit, twisted way i had caused pain in your precious life.

Remember when we first met? We were both as tiny as we would ever be in our lives— so pure, (not really applying to me.) You were taking one of those daily afternoon naps like usual, and unbeknownst to you, a tiny me would be lounging around in your own family’s estate— with the exception of a loud and rowdy Gojo speaking to your sister, of course. I remember when you finally woke up, and i got to see that glass face of yours for the first time. you were 8, i was 7. Yet you looked so beautiful with that droopy and puffy post-afternoon nap face of yours. We played til’ evening in the courtyard that very same day. It’s not like you forced me to play dolls with you, i actually kind of enjoyed it… only because you were my playmate. i just wish Tsumiki would’ve been there when Gojo first took me in from those dreading streets. Yes, i was a grumpy little toddler with somehow the ability to summon a specific arrangement of creatures, you never questioned anything about it. An 8 year old like you, and a 7 year old like me, should have no reason to know anything about curses or techniques at our age. it was so cruel, and although you were older than me by a year, i still felt the need to protect every fibre and aspect of your existence. An existence i hold very dear to my heart, every damn night.

Remember our middle school days? Yes, where my grumpiness piqued at an all time high, a burning flame that threatened to burst if not carefully dealt with. I was considered a delinquent— no, i was a delinquent. It’s no use trying to defend that title, anyway. I beat up kids left and right, totally abused my gifted strength to terrorize other bullies and jerks who were entitled to popularity. Hey, atleast i only went after the bad people, haha? Nonetheless, you never considered me a bully, or a bad person. That sweet, little mind of yours thought that little 12 year old me could never do anything wrong. Yet you know every action i did proved you so wrong. You watched from afar as i would beat up several kids above grades older than me at once in an old, abandoned baseball field. A small smile on your face, sat prettily on a bench with your friends while happily eating away at your bento your sister made for you every day for school. And during recess, while i was being the usual grumpy jerk that i was, you’d somehow find away to cheer me up. One day, when things got so bad i almost lashed out on Tsumiki, you were there to comfort me. Your small little hands wrapped around my arm, rambling on about how your day went as if being this close of a proximity was casual in anyway. It immediately snapped me out of whatever bullshit show i was about to put on against Tsumiki’s teasing. Part of me hoped—no, wished the way you were with me wasn’t casual, was it casual?—

—You and Tsumiki were the bestest of friends, given you both were the same age. I loved seeing you bond together, even if i never made an effort to show my appreciation. In conclusion… i was never really necessarily a good person in my life, but during the years you were gone— two years, i’ve managed to learn how to calm down the raging fire burning within my heart. i would think about you and Tsumiki when things would get tough. Whether it be controlling my emotions, or when i’m somehow losing a battle against a curse a slight grade level above me. I always won, thoughts filled with the both of you. Minus the injuries. The most important people in my life. Someday i’ll be able to thank you for your help, and in another life, Tsumiki.

Those days you were absent from my life, i spent reminiscing our greatest memories. Not one memory have i forgotten that the two of us shared. And the one that stuck the most in my head, was the one spent at the hospital when we were 9 and 10, waiting outside the comatose room where your dearest sister lay. You were crying into your small little arms, wailing and mourning for your sister’s comfort yet you knew she wouldn’t be available right now. All you wanted was for her to wake up, why wasn’t she waking up? Your 10 year old brain asked yourself. I watched as you wept from the chair beside you, peeking to see those glossy tears falling from those God-gifted eyes of yours from under your wrapped arms, hugging your small frame. My heart ached so much for you, i swear i was going through heart murmurs at that moment. Little 9 year old me had no idea how to comfort someone… because i was never really familiar with comfort to begin with. The only solution that appeared in my young mind… was to share my red bean stuffed panda bun with you. And so that’s exactly what i did. My small, yet experienced hands immediately got to work, reaching into my little side bag to search for the familiar wrapping on mind. Once in my grasp, i carefully tore the packaging, revealing a wonky, yet delicious red bean stuffed panda bun still warm and ready to eat. Yet instead of stuffing it inside my small little stomach in 4 bites, i tore it in half, not the most symmetrical halves, but it still did the job. And with that, i reached out to give a little tap on your bony shoulder, snapping you out of your sobs as you turned to me with puffy, red cheeks stained with raw tears. I proceeded to (nonchalantly) hand you the other half of my red bean stuffed panda bun— I gave you the bigger side, of course. You deserved it more than anything. Oh the butterflies i felt in my jittery stomach when i finally saw that sad face of yours light up in appreciation and excitement. Especially when your precious smile was caused by little ol’ me. It was safe to say, that we both happily indulged in our savoury snack that day. Not to forget, I also remember Gojo taking us out for ice cream the same day. I wasn’t proud that it cheered you up more than my attempt, but as long as you’re happy, i guess.

When I saw you the first time in 2 years at the Sister School Games Event, i swore my heart stopped beating in 3 exact intervals. I saw a kaleidoscope of bursting colours grow within my blurry vision as i tried fathom if it was really you or not, but that radiant aura of yours that you carry was so igniting, i knew i wasn’t mistaken. It was you, you, you, you. Where did you go, and why did you leave me with no closure? I know i have no place to say whether i’m mad at you or not— in fact, i was more mad at myself than i was at you. I was mad at myself for letting you go so easily, without even trying to reach out to you when your clan sent you away to become a sorcerer at Kyoto Jujutsu Tech. Who were you to leave me behind for so long, only to come back happy as ever, like nothing ever happened? Not that i’m… complaining, obviously…— After those 2 years, you had become even stronger than you were before. Stronger than me, in all honesty. It was hard to admit the fact you were a higher grade level than i was at first, but i’m happy for you regardless. I remember those days when i was the one to protect you from mosquitoes and critters hungry for your precious, sweet blood whenever we’d play outside in your courtyard. 7 year old me, and 8 year old you, were practically inseparable. You loved my divine dogs so much, some days i’d think you only hung out with me to chase them around with mud all over your clothes. You always assured me that you ‘loved’ me more though, if that was casual. I don’t know.

Now… back to what i was saying at the start.

I love you, and I’m sorry.

-To my dearest Y/n L/n.

From Megumi Fushiguro.

a/n. LET ME KNOW IF U ENJOYED IT ?? 😔

and once again, i might consider releasing pt.2 of reader responding/reacting to the letter! who knows, maybe you’ll even spill out some confessions… wink wink.

[sanctum-of-ramshackle]

“I am…You know who I am”

[TWST AU]: What if MC/Yuu was an Iron Man fan and a genius engineer who created their own iron suit?

[Gender Neutral MC/Yuu]

[Synopsis]: In this timeline, MC/Yuu is this variant of Iron Man and they are titled as “Iron Force” in Twisted Wonderland.

[TW]: Some cursing

[(A/N)]: Hi everyone. It’s been quite some time since I posted TWST magic. I have been busy with IRL stuff and working on non-TWST ideas on my main blog (@swiftyangx12). I unexpectedly took a break from the fandom, but slowly getting back into business and honestly, I miss my boys...

[AC/DC - Back in Black]

Alright, let’s see how this goes…

MC/Yuu was a huge fan of Iron Man and an aspiring genius engineer back in their home world.

After hearing about Stark’s sacrifice, they felt devastated that their idol passed on.

They coped by studying and building inventions, motivating themselves to honor their role model.

Then one day as they were walking to school in New York, something happened.

At first, they were exiting from their usual coffee shop and the next thing you know, they’re confined into darkness.

MC/Yuu: Alright. Not the weirdest thing since being dusted away for five years.

After feeling their surroundings to escape from their imprisonment, they heard somebody chatting about how heavy the door is to open up.

Then after blazing fire hued in blue, blew up the the door and this triggers MC/Yuu’s iron suit (with the latest nanotechnology) to encase them, activated to confront what was a danger to their safety.

When they’re revealed to Grim, he got scared. Because it’s not everyday to see someone in an iron suit and he just screamed as a reaction.

MC/Yuu holds out their hand ready to blast away whatever that creature was.

MC/Yuu: What the hell are you? A talking cat? Raccoon? A demonic alien from another dimension?

Grim: I’m neither of those! I am “The Great Grim”!

MC/Yuu: Who? Look, buddy. I think I got kidnapped and was somehow dragged here. I need to find my way out. *Activates their boosters and flies out of the room*

Grim: Hey wait! *Chases after them*

They basically flew out of the academy and toured around the whole world having to realize they’re not on their Earth anymore.

Then MC/Yuu return back to NRC, clumsily landed in during the Dorm Sorting Ceremony.

Every student was startled by a stranger in an iron suit.

Grim unceremoniously barged into the room.

Grim: You’ll never escape from The Great Grim!

MC/Yuu: Okay. *Holds their blaster up aiming at the menace*

Then Crowley came rushing in, putting a stop to the whole mess.

Crowley: Seize your fighting!

MC/Yuu: Uhh…Who are you? *Powering down their blaster and opens up their mask*

Crowley: I am Dire Crowley, Headmaster of Night Raven College.

MC/Yuu: …J.A.R.V.I.S., scan him.

Crowley: What-

After the chaos was settled, Crowley dragged MC/Yuu to his office for them to explain their dilemma. They also explained what they can offer for NRC with upgrades around the area.

Oh! Grim is still with MC/Yuu because after he listened to what they can do, he decided to be the greatest mage with technological advances.

Grim: MC/Yuu, who are you always talking to?

MC/Yuu: My A.I. assistant. They’re called J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0, “Just A Really Very Intelligent System, but as my own version.” He helps me hypothesize possible outcomes when testing my inventions, and assist fighting bad guys by my side.

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: I’m also their assistant for daily tasks and reminders. Grim, you and MC/Yuu are scheduled by Headmaster Crowley to pick up supplies for the upcoming NRC’s annual Magift Games at 7 p.m.

Grim: No way! I don’t wanna do chores.

MC/Yuu: You get to ride with me in my iron suit.

Grim: Oh yeah, I forgot. Let’s go!

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MC/Yuu: What kind of power source I can use around this world? *Snaps their fingers* A Mage Stone. Crowley, by any chance, are there other magical crystals back in that Dwarf Mine?

Crowley: There are, but I mustn’t let you go there since it was closed due to a “monster” you fought last time.

MC/Yuu: Alright. I’m still getting that power source.

[5 hours later]

MC/Yuu: *Inserts the mage stone in their suit* There. My very own Arc Reactor.

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: Congratulations, MC/Yuu. You discovered a new element.

MC/Yuu: Definitely. Sourced a new element as this is my first.

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Vil: MC/Yuu, explain this. *Shows them an online article*

MC/Yuu: *Reads the article* Oh yeah. I had an interview and became a philanthropist.

Vil: You’re basically a celebrity by this point. What did you do to become this well-known?

MC/Yuu: I just helped some people. Carrying thousands of construction materials, assist upcoming tech companies with my knowledge from my experience and gave children the best rides of their lives…Oh my god, I’m becoming like my idol. Except the rich and player parts.

Vil: You’re a celebrity, MC/Yuu. You would have plenty of Madol from all this exposure.

MC/Yuu: Okay, I’m becoming rich, but I can’t pull no bitches.

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[During Chapter 2]

Iron Force: *Charges at Overblot!Leona and kicks him mid-air*

OB!Leona: *Knocked the wind out of his lungs*

Iron Force: Okay J.A.R.V.I.S., any chances?

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: 90% success rate of subduing the target.

Iron Force: Then 10% avoiding this mess. *Knocks him to the ground*

OB!Leona: Why that little- *Punched in the face*

Iron Force: *Repeatedly punching him* Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep!

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MC/Yuu: *Wearing glasses*

Azul: I didn’t know you wear glasses. Trying to appear as an intellectual?

MC/Yuu: Hm? Oh, no. My sight is fine. I just transferred J.A.R.V.I.S. in these modified frames.

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: Scan completed. You have a slight iron deficiency and recommend a salad in your diet, MC/Yuu.

Azul: Did it just talked?

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: Yes. I also scanned your physiology and it reveals you’re 95% suspicious of my existence and 5% envious of me for being MC/Yuu’s A.I. assistant.

Azul: I certainly do not envy your virtual assistant.

J.A.R.V.I.S. 2.0: Oddly enough, your biology categorized as relations of Cephalopod.

Azul: …

MC/Yuu: You’re an octopus?

Azul: May we change the subject?

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Iron Force: *Flying around the island*

Ortho: *Flying beside them* Hi MC/Yuu!

Iron Force: What the f-?! *Halts their flight and hovers with Ortho* I didn’t know somebody else created an iron suit in this world.

Ortho: Iron suit? Oh! You mean my structure. Nii-san helped with my upgrades.

Iron Force: You’re not wearing a suit? You’re an android with highly advanced artificial intelligence?

Ortho: Yes!

MC/Yuu: …Whose your brother?

[An hour later]

Idia: *Finishing a difficult level*

MC/Yuu: *Hacks into his door as it slides open* You didn’t tell me you’re a tech genius!

Idia: *Startled* AHH! Who let you in?!

MC/Yuu: I let myself in. Buddy, we need to collaborate-

[That’s how a friendship was made.]

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[Imagine H.Y.D.R.A. somehow created a portal and enter into TWST]

Iron Force: Oh boy. Thank god I made spare suits. *Activates the other suits*

Jack: You’re fighting alone?

Iron Force: Not alone. I made some for you guys to help everyone. *Closes their mask*

[The First Years enter into their respective suits.]

Ace: *In his suit* How do you work in this thing?

Iron Force: There’s an automated mode to help control your suit. You even get your own A.I. assistants I programmed in each of your suits.

J.E.R.K.: Hello, I am J.E.R.K. Your A.I. assistant, Mr. Trappola.

Ace: Really? Jerk?

Iron Force: The words behind the acronym are better.

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