#i too am ace and highly uncomfortable with mentions of sex

[maracate]

Oh, for fuck's sake. I had an expression (I couldn't help it) and involuntarily retreated two meters back down the corridor.

It's just like me fr

[aroacepanorientedopentoexplore]

So I just read loveless for the first time and just WOW ! I’ve never related to a main character more!!!! It’s true that Georgia is more of an introvert but just everything in this book kinda encapsulates the feels of being aro ace!!!! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO LITERALLY EVERYONE!! Stories and first hand accounts are a great way to learn and to experience emotions and thoughts that may help you understand others emotions! (If you can’t buy the book I suggest either you local library to pick up a hard copy or looking up loveless free pdf on a search engine!!!)

In honor of fully reading the books below are quotes that I very much vibe with or are just general feelings/experiences that I have felt or my friends have felt. Warning there is explicit language. A lot of the quotes can be triggering to some people especially if you have been forced or felt pressured to be in a romantic relationship when you didn’t want to, or if you are uncomfortable with sex, mentions of sex, fan fiction or relationship failures, so just be aware plz (sorted by chapter)

readmore: +

Last Chance

I had a theory that a lot of peoples ‘celebrity crushes’ were faked just to fit in.Tommy had been my crush ever since I was in Year 7 and a girl hadasked me, ‘Who d’you think is the hottest boy at Truham?’ She’d shown mea photo on her phone of a group of the most popular Year 7 boys at theboys’ grammar over the road, and there was Tommy right in the middle. Icould tell he was the most attractive one – I mean, he had hair like a boy-band star and was dressed pretty fashionably – so I’d pointed and said him. And I guess that was that.

Romance

I just loved love.

I probably got this from my family. The Warrs believed in forever love –my parents were just as in love now as they were back in 1991 when my mum was a ballet teacher and my dad was in a band. Both sets of my grandparents were still together. My brother married hisgirlfriend when he was twenty-two. None of my close relatives had beendivorced. Even most of my older cousins had at least partners, if not wholefamilies of their own.I hadn’t ever been in a relationship.I hadn’t even kissed anyone.

Pip, Jason and Me

I’d had times when I’d wondered whether I’d end up with Jason. I’d hadtimes when I’d wondered whether I’d end up with Pip too. If our lives werein a movie, at least two of us would have got together. But I’d never felt any romantic feelings for either of them, as far as I could tell.

There were never any romantic feelings between Pip, Jason and me. But what we did have – a friendship of many years – was just as strong as that, I think. Stronger, maybe, than a lot of couples I knew.

Truth or Dare

She tried to smile warmly at me. ‘You know you’ll find someone eventually, right? ’‘Yeah.’‘ You know you’ll find someone eventually. Everyone does. You’ll see.’ Jason was looking at me with a sad expression on his face. Pitying,maybe. Was he pitying me too?‘Am I wasting being a teenager?’ I asked them. And they told me no, like best friends would, but it was too late.

Tommy

School romance was on my list of favourite fanfiction tropes. I also loved soulmate AU, coffee shop AU, hurt/comfort and temporary amnesia.I figured school romance was the most likely one that would happen to me, but now that the possibility of it happening was more than zero, I was freaking out. Like, heart racing, sweating, hands shaking freaking out. This was what crushes felt like, so this was normal, right? Everything was totally normal

Kissing.

New at romance? I wanted to laugh. I’d been studying romance like an academic. Like an obsessive researcher. Romance would be my Mastermind topic.

On Fire

There’d been signs. I’d missed all of them because I was desperate to fall in love.

But I couldn’t do it, because I didn’t fancy him. My seven-year crush on him was entirely fabricated A random choice from when I was eleven, and a girl held up a photo and told me to choose a boy. I didn’t fancy Tommy. Apparently, I hadn’t ever fancied anyone.

Loveless

I never liked him,’ I said in the car as we pulled up outside Pip’s house andI cut the engine. Pip was next to me. Jason was in the back. ‘Seven  I just lied to myself the whole time.

It’s wild how long you can trick yourself, And everyone around you.

I’ve never had a crush on anyone in my entire life,’ I said. It was all sinking in. I’d never had a crush on anyone. No boys, no girls, not a single person I had ever met. What did that mean? Did it mean anything? Or was I just doing life wrong? Was there something wrong with me? ‘Can you believe that?

I’d get a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend, even. A partner. I’d have my first kiss, and I’d have sex. I was just a late bloomer. I wasn’t going to diealone.I was going to try harder.I wanted forever love. I didn’t want to be loveless

Change

I was starting to feel a bit like I was going to be sick.But everyone probably felt this way about starting university

Rooney

In the photo was Rooney, maybe aged thirteen or fourteen, with a girl who had dyed red hair. Like, Ariel from The LittleMermaid hair.‘Is that your friend from home?’ I asked. This was a good conversationstarter, at least. Rooney whipped her head round to look at me, and for a moment Ithought I saw an odd expression cross her face. But then it was gone,replaced by her wide smile.‘Yeah!’ she said. ‘Beth. She’s – she’s not here, obviously, but ... yeah. She’s my friend.

A New Friendship

But when Pip did fancy someone, it was very, very obvious. To me, anyway. I could always tell when people had crushes on each other.

Romantic Thinking

The romance pre-game. She did it the same way she befriendedpeople – with the precise expertise of someone who’d had a lot of practiceand a lot of success. Could I do that? Could I copy her?

During the lecture, she effortlessly befriended the person sitting next to her, and in the afternoon, we went out for coffee with a few people who also did English.She made friends with all of them, too

Jokes aside, I’d never had a crush on a girl, so I didn’t really have any evidence to support that particular theory. Maybe I was bi or pan, since I didn’t even seem to have a preference at this point.

I knew almost everything about romance. I knew the theory. I knew when people were flirting, I knew when they wanted to kiss. I knew when peoples boyfriends were being shitty to them, even when they couldn’t tell it themselves. I’d read infinite stories of people meeting and flirting and awkwardly pining, hating before liking, lusting before loving, kissing and sex and love and marriage and partners for life, till death us do part. I was a master of the theory.

Sex

It was a jarring sort of oh, God, this thing is actually real, it’s not just infanfics and movies. And I’m supposed to be doing that too

College Marriage

At Durham, students in their second and third years paired up to act as a mentor team, or ‘collegeparents’ for a small group of incoming freshers, who were their ‘college children’.I kind of loved it. It made a romance out of something absolutelymundane, which was something that I was incredibly experienced at.

Baby’s first club

How could everyone live properly yet I had some sort of error in my programming?I thought about all the people I’d met in the past few days. Hundreds of people my age, all genders, appearances, personalities.I couldn’t think of a single one I was attracted to.

High standards

Type?’ I asked, my mind immediately going to Pokémon types, and thenwondering whether it was a food question of some sort and looked down atmy pasta.‘Type of guy,’ said Rooney, mouth full.‘Oh.’ I shrugged and speared a piece of pasta. ‘I don’t really know.’‘Come on. You must have some idea. Like, what sort of guys do you findyourself liking?’None of them, is what I probably should have said. I never like anyone.‘No type in particular,’ is what I actually said.

I deleted Tinder from my phone, then hit play on About Time again,wondering why picturing myself in any sort of romantic or sexual situationmade me feel like I was going to vom and/or run a mile, while romance inmovies felt like the sole purpose of being alive.

Pride

I mean, to be fair, I didn’t really know whatI was. And yes, sure, I had considered the possibility that I was not intoguys. Strongly considered. Then again, I didn’t really seem to like girlseither. I didn’t seem to like anyone. I hadn’t met anyone I liked yet, felt thenice stomach butterflies, and been able to proudly declare ‘Aha! Of course!This is the gender that I like!’ I didn’t even have a particular genderpreference when it came to smutty fanfiction

Putting your self out there

Most people would not have been able to tell what was up with Pip, butI’d known her for over seven years, and she had this look. A slightnarrowing of the eyes. Her shoulders hunched.The fact of the matter was: Pip had decided to hateRooney

Shakespeare and house plants

 Pip had always been kind of insecure about how she looked. But nowthat she was actually dressing how she’d always wanted to dress, and hadcut her hair and all that, she exuded a sort of confidence that I could neverhope to achieve – a confidence that said I know exactly who I am.‘You look really nice,’ I said.She smiled. ‘Thanks.’

Chaotic Energy

So, are you and Georgia, like, best friends now?’ asked Pip with a weak chuckle.I was about to protest being dragged into whatever this was, whenRooney replied instead.‘I’d say we’re pretty good friends already,’ said Rooney, smiling andlooking at me. ‘Right?’‘Right,’ I said, because there was really nothing else I could have said.‘We do live together,’ Rooney continued, ‘so, yes. Why? Jealous?’Pip went a little red. ‘I was just wondering whether we’d have to fight forthe title of Georgia’s ultimate best friend.’‘Am I not even a contender?’ Jason pointed out, but both the girls ignored him.

Forever Alone

Just thought there might be a specific reason asto why I’m forever alone.’‘You’re not forever alone when I’m here. I’m your best friend.’She sighed. ‘Fine.’

Are you joking? His crush on you is so obvious it’s actually painful to watch.’How was this possible? I was excellent at recognising romantic feelings.I could always tell when people were flirting with me, or each other. Ialways knew when Pip and Jason had crushes on people.How had I missed this?

Immature

I was always a bit envious ofpeople who were super sex-positive and felt comfortable enough to justbang whoever they fancied. I couldn’t even imagine feeling comfortableenough to let someone kiss me, let alone going to an absolute stranger’shome and getting naked.

‘I think it’s pretty amazing that you haven’t felt peer-pressured into doing anything by now. You haven’t made yourself do anything you didn’t want to do. You haven’t kissed anyone just because you’re scared of missing out. I think that’s one of the most mature things I’ve ever heard, actually

Rooney saying, ‘You’ll never know until you try.’Rooney saying, ‘He’s really cute. Are you sure you don’t like himmaybe, like, a little bit? You get along really well.’Rooney saying, ‘You honestly act like you’re made for each other.’That was all it took for me to think Yeah.Maybe.Maybe I could fall in love with Jason.

We Sure Do Love Drama

Popcorn?’I dug in and scooped up a handful. ‘Salted. You’re a hero.’‘We must all play our part in this bitch of a world.

Was this supposed to mean something? Was this whatflirting was? No. No, this was just what friends, did, right? This was just meand Jason being normal.I thought I got this sort of thing. I understood flirting. But now, when itcame to Jason, I had no idea what to think

He was clearly the sort of person who I should like romantically. Who I could like romantically. He looked like a boyfriend.I loved his personality. I’d loved his personality for years.So I could fall in love with him. With a little bit of effort. Definitely.

Dating Skills

To be absolutely and completely honest, I didn't want to go on a date with him at all. But I did want to want to go on a date with him. And that was the crux of my problem.

Straight out of a Romance Novel

We were only going for ice cream, for God’ssake.‘You look cute,’ said Rooney, and I felt like she really did mean it.‘Thanks.’‘Are you looking forward to it?’I actually hadn’t really been looking forward to it. I guessed this was dueto nerves. Everyone gets nervous about a first date. And I was very nervous.I knew that I needed to chill out and be myself, and if I didn’t feel that sparkafter a while then we just weren’t meant to be.But I also knew that this was a chance for me to actually experienceromance and be someone who has fun, quirky experiences and doesn’t die alone. No pressure I guess

When we left the ice-cream café, we hugged goodbye, and it felt like anormal hug for us. A normal Jason and Georgia hug, the sort of hug we’d been having for years.There wasn’t any sort of weird moment when we felt like we should kiss.We hadn’t reached that point yet, I guessed.That would come later.And I was fine with that.That was what I wanted.I thought.Yeah

The Spark

I’m not sure if I really like him like that yet. I dunno.’Rooney paused. ‘Well, if the spark’s not there, the spark’s not there.’‘No, I mean, we get along really well. Like, I love him as a person.’‘Yeah, but is the spark there?’How was I supposed to know that? What the fuck was the spark? What did the spark even feel like?I thought I’d understood what all these romantic things would feel like –butterflies and the spark and just knowing when you liked someone. I’d read about these feelings hundreds of times in books and fanfic. I’d watched way more romcoms than was probably normal for an eighteen-year-old.But now I was starting to wonder whether these things were just made up.‘... Maybe?’ I said.‘Well, you might as well just wait and see how it goes, then. When you know, you know.’That sort of made me want to scream. I didn’t know how to know

So why do you have sex with random guys?’ I asked. As soon as I saidit, I realised what a blunt and invasive question it was. But I did want toknow. It wasn’t like I was judging her – honestly, I wished I had her confidence. But I didn’t understand how she did it, really. Why she wantedto do it. Why would someone go to a stranger’s house and take their clothes off when you could just stay home and have a safe, comfortable wank?Surely the end result was exactly the same.Rooney turned back round. She gave me a long, unreadable look.‘Honestly?’ she asked.‘Yeah,’ I said.‘I just enjoy having sex,’ she said. ‘I’m single and I like sex, so I have . It’s fun because it feels good. I don’t feel a “spark” because it’s notabout romance. It’s a casual physical thing.’I got the sense that she was telling the truth. That really was all there was to it.

And I did. But not before I spent a while thinking about the spark.It sounded magical. Like something out of a fairy tale. But I couldn’t imagine what it felt like. Was it a physical feeling? Was it just intuition?Why had I never felt it? Ever?

When Rooney opened it, at least thirty of her acquaintances entered, carrying balloons and partypoppers and streamers, and then a guy got down on one knee in front ofeveryone and asked Rooney to be his college wife.Rooney screamed and jumped on him, smothering him in a tight hug,agreeing to be his college wife. And that was that. I watched the wholething go down from my bed, actually entertained. It was kind of lovely.

A Short but Compelling Presentation by Rooney Bach

Rooney stood up and flung herself over the table to hug me. I just sat there, letting it happen. That was our first ever hug. I was just about to move my arms to hug her back when she pulled away, sitting down and smoothing her ponytail. Her face returned to her usual Rooney face: an effortless smile. It's going to be amazing,' she said. Our troupe consisted of two star performers who both wanted to be in charge, one girl who threw up every time she acted, and one boy who might possibly be the love of my life. It was going to be an absolute disaster, but that wasn't stopping any of us.

Palm to Palm

‘Who’s this, nena?’I heard Pip’s dad say. ‘Have you finally got yourself agirlfriend?’‘NO!’ Pip immediately squawked. ‘She’s – she’s definitely not!’Rooney waved at Pip’s parents with a wide grin. ‘Hi! I’m Rooney!’‘Look, I have to go,’ Pip snapped at her phone.‘What do you study, Rooney?’She leant in closer to the phone, and closer to Pip as a result. ‘I doEnglish literature! And me and Pip are in the Shakespeare Society together.’Pip started adjusting her hair, seemingly as a way to put her whole arm inbetween her body and Rooney’s. ‘I’m going now! I love you! ¡Chau!’‘Aw,’ said Rooney as Pip hung up the call. ‘Your parents are so cute. Andthey liked me!’Pip sighed. ‘They’re going to ask about you every single time they callme, now.’Roone

I loved acting. I loved getting to step into a character and pretend to besomeone else. I loved getting to say stuff and behave in ways that I neverwould in real life. And I knew I was good at it too.It was the audience that made me nervous, which in this case was Pip andRooney. And with the added pressure of performing a romantic scene withJason, my best friend who I was almost dating, it’s hopefully understandable that I was very nervous going into this scene.

I could feel myself going red. Not because I was flustered or because ofthe romance of the scene. But because I felt uncomfortable.‘Ay, pilgrim,’ I replied, ‘lips that they must use in prayer.’‘Georgia,’ said Pip, ‘can I be honest?’‘Yeah?’‘That was supposed to be a super flirty line, but you just look like you need a shit.’I spluttered out a laugh. ‘Wow.’‘I know it’s just a read-through but, like ... be romantic?’‘I’m trying.’‘Are you?’‘Oh my God.’ I snapped the book shut, kind of annoyed, honestly. Iwasn’t a bad actor. Acting had been one of the few things I’d actually excelled at. ‘You’re being so harsh.’‘Can we start again from the beginning?’‘Fine.’Jason and I reset and I opened up my book again.OK. I was Juliet. I was in love. I had just met this super-hot forbiddenboy and was obsessed with him. I could do this

Elephant in the Room

Georgia Warr. aldkjhgsldkfjghlkf

The Letter 'X'

What if I really didn't like guys and that was why this whole thing felt so difficult to navigate? As soon as the thought popped into my head, I had to investigate further. I opened Safari on my phone and typed in, 'am I gay'. A bunch of links popped up, mostly useless internet quizzes that I already knew would be unhelpful and inaccurate. But one thing caught my eye - the Kinsey Scale test. I started reading about the Kinsey Scale. Wikipedia explained that it was a scale of sexuality which went from zero, 'exclusively heterosexual', to six, 'exclusively homosexual'. Curious, and frustrated with myself, I took the test, trying to just answer the questions instinctively and not overthink anything. When I finished, I clicked "submit answers', and waited. And instead of a number, the letter 'X' popped up. You did not indicate any sexual preference. Try adjusting your answers.I read and reread those lines. I'd... done the test wrong. I must have done the test wrong. I went back to my questions and started to look for where I could change my answers, but couldn't find any I'd answered inaccurately, so just decided to exit the browser. It was probably just a faulty test. (Side note I quoted this bc I remember taking this test and getting the X, instead of being like Georgia I took it around 10 times from different sites bc there is no “official test” because I was sure it was a mistake with the differences in tests I lol I guess some experiences are shared!!)

Mr Self-Confidence

I chuckled. ‘Yeah. Let’s meet up and ignore each other for two hours.’‘Basically. I mean, it sounds pretty relaxing, to be honest.’‘That’s true.’‘I think the perfect marriage would be made up of two people who can sitin comfortable silence with each other for extended periods of time.’‘Steady on,’ I said. ‘We’re not married yet.’This made him let out a spluttery, somewhat scandalised laugh. Nice. I could flirt. I was acing this.

i. Tea in our bedrooms.Oh wait. Bedroom. Was going to a bedroom a good idea? Or would thatmean –‘Yeah!’ Jason smiled, slotting his hands into his pockets. ‘Yeah, thatsounds good. D’you wanna come to mine? We could watch a movie in myroom, or something?’I nodded too. ‘Yeah, that sounds good.’OK.It was OK.I could do this.I could be normal.I could go back to a boy’s room on a date and do whatever was usuallyinvolved in that. Talking. Flirting. Kissing. Sex, maybe.I was brave. I didn’t have to listen to my own thoughts. I could do all of it

He'd felt pressured into having his first kiss. Because people were bullying him for not having kissed anyone, he forced himself to do it, and it was bad. A lot of teenagers did that. But hearing it from Jason made me really, really angry. I knew what it was like to feel bad about not having kissed anyone. And to feel pressured into doing it because everyone else was. Because you were weird if you hadn't. Because this was what being a human was all about. That was what everyone said.

His voice quietened. ‘I really believed she was the best I deserved.’‘You deserve more,’ I said immediately. I knew this to be true because I loved him. Maybe I wasn’t in love with him, not yet, but I did love him.‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I mean, I know. I know that now.’‘OK, Mr Self-Confidence

Sunil

And I was going to end up alone. Forever.If I couldn’t like a guy who was lovely, kind, funny, attractive, my bestfriend ... how could I ever like anybody? It didn’t play out like this in movies. In movies, two childhood bestfriends would eventually realise that, despite everything, they had been made for each other this whole time, that their connection went beyond just attraction, and then they’d get together and live happily ever after

I was startled again to see that it was Sunil, my college parent, who had the self-confidence of a member of Queer Eye

I’m fine,’ I said. If I was a doll, that would be one of my pre-recordedphrases.‘Oh no.’ Sunil shook his head. ‘That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard inmy life.’That actually did make me laugh for real

But you look sexy and I look like I just rolled up to a nine a.m. lecture.’‘Sexy?’ He laughed like he had a private joke with the word, and then hestood up and held out a hand.I didn’t know what else to do or say, so I took it

Could have Gone Harder with the Pride Flags

Sunil held my hand all the way through Durham. In a slightly odd, butnonetheless comforting way, I felt like I was hanging out with one of myparents. I supposed, in a way, I was.

Could have gone harder with the pride flags,’ Sunil said, narrowing hiseyes. I couldn’t tell whether he was joking

There was no particular type of person, no particular style or look.But they were all so friendly. There were a few obvious friendship groups,but mostly, people were happy to chat to whoever.They were all just themselves.I don’t know how to explain it.There was no pretending. No hiding. No faking.In this little restaurant hidden away in the old streets of Durham, a bunchof queer people could all show up and just be.I don’t think I’d understood what that was like until that moment.

Is it stressful? Being the president?’‘Sometimes. But it’s worth it. Makes me feel that I’m doing somethingimportant. And that I’m part of something important.’ He let out a breath. ‘I... I did things on my own for a long time. I know how it feels to be totallyalone. So now I’m trying to make sure ... no queer person has to feel likethat in this city.’I nodded again. I could understand that.‘I’m not a superhero, or anything. I don’t want to be. A lot of the fresherssee me as this, like, queer angel sent down to fix all their problems, and I’mnot, I’m really, really not. I’m just a person. But I like to think I’m making apositive impact, even if it’s a small one. (I’m going to cry I think this is my favorite quote from the book dispute it not being aro ace centric it really speaks to my experiences and what I want to accomplish to just make a small impact on others that’s always been my goal !!)

Pip

She came out to me when we were fifteen. It wasn’t the most dramatic, orfunny, or emotional of coming-outs, if films or TV were anything to go by.‘I think I might like girls instead,’ was what she’d said while we werescouring the high street shops for new schoolbags. There’d been somebuild-up. We’d been talking about boys who went to the all-boys school. I’dbeen saying how I didn’t really understand the hype. Pip agreed.It goes without saying that Pip had a shit time, generally. And while Piphad many, many other acquaintances who she could definitely havedeepened friendships with, she always came to me to talk about difficultthings. I don’t know if that’s because she trusted me or just because I was agood listener. Maybe both. Either way, I became a safe place. I’d beenhappy to be one then, and I still was now.

*But I met this gay dude at LatAm Soc and we had a massive chat about bein, gay and Latinx, and I swear to God I'd never felt so understood in my life.' I found myself smiling. Because my best friend was thriving here. What?" she said, seeing the smile on my face. I'm just happy for you,' I said. *God, you actual sap.' "I can't help it. You're one of the very few people I actually care about in the world.' Pip beamed like she was very pleased about this fact. 'Well, I am a very popular and successful lesbian. It's an honour to know me: Successful?' I raised an eyebrow. 'That's a new development.' Number one, how dare you?' Pip leant back on her stool with a smug expression. 'Number two, yes, I may have got with a girl at the Pride Soc club night. Pip!' I sat up straight, grinning. 'Why didn't you tell me that?' She shrugged, but she was clearly very pleased with herself. It wasn't anything serious, like, it wasn't like I wanted to date her or anything. But I wanted to kiss her - we both wanted to kiss, so, like ... we just did.' What was she like?' We sat at the bar and Pip relayed the whole encounter to me about the girl in second year at Hatfield College who studied French and was wearing a cute skirt, and how it didn't mean anything in particular but it had been fun and good and silly and everything she'd wanted from being at university.

I didn't know what to say, because I didn't disagree. I wanted to tell Pip that I didn't feel sure about anything, and I felt so weird all the time, to the point that I hated myself, being a kid who knew all about sexuality from the internet but couldn't even vaguely work out what I was, couldn't even come up with a ballpark estimate, when everyone else seemed to find it so, so easy. Or if they didn't find it easy, they got through the hard bit at school, and by the time they were my age, they were already kissing and having sex and falling in love as much as they wanted. All I could manage to say was: I don't really know how I feel.' Pip could tell I wasn't saying everything that was in my head. She could always tell. She grabbed my hand and held it. That's OK, my guy,' she said. "That's fine.' Sorry,' I mumbled. 'I'm ... shit at explaining it. It sounds fake. I'm here to talk whenever you want, man.' OK.' She pulled me into a side hug, my face pressing against her collar. 'Date Jason for a bit if you want. Just ... don't hurt him, OK? He acts all calm and collected, but he's really sensitive after all that shit with Aimee.' "I know. I won't.' I lifted my head. 'You're really OK with it?' Her smile was forced and pained, and it nearly broke my heart. Of course. I love you.' Love you too.

Mirage

I saw the fucking flyers you were handing out at the Freshers’ Fair!Asexual and bigender and whatever. You’re just gonna let in anyone who thinks they’re some made-up internet identity?’There was a short silence, and then Sunil spoke again, his voicehardened.‘You know what, Lloyd? Yes. Yes, I am. Because Pride Soc is inclusive and open, and loving, and not run by you any more. And because there are still sad little cis gays like you who seem to take other queers' mere existence as a threat to your civil rights, even freshers who are showing up here for the first time - some of them likely never having been to a queer event in their whole lives - just trying to find somewhere they can relax and be themselves. And I don't know if you're aware of this, Lloyd, because I know you don't recognise any pride flag that isn't the fucking rainbow, but I actually happen to be one of those made-up internet identities. And guess what? I'm the president. So get the fuck out of my formal.'

But instead I found myself talking. I was sort of on a date today,' I said. 'When you found me. Sunil raised his eyebrows. 'Oh really?' But it ... didn't go very well.' Oh. Why? Were they awful?' No, it was . .. the guy is really lovely. It's me that's the problem. I'm weird. Sunil paused. ' And why are you weird?' I just ...' I laughed nervously. 'I don't think I can ever feel anything. Maybe he's the wrong person for you. No,' I said. 'He's wonderful. But I never feel anything for anyone. There was another long pause. I didn't even know how to begin to explain it properly. It felt like something I'd made up in my head. A dream I couldn't quite remember properly. And a word. A word that Lloyd had spoken with such malice, but Sunil had defended. A word that had sparked something in my brain.I'd finally made the connection. Uh...' I was grateful I was a little tipsy. I pointed at his pin - the one with black, grey, white, and purple stripes. 'Is that . the flag for, um being asexual?' Sunil's eves widened. For the briefest moment, he seemed genuinely shocked that I was not certain what his pin meant. Yes,' he said. 'Asexuality. Do you know what that is?' Now, I had definitely heard of asexuality. I'd seen a few people talking about it online, and many people with it in their Twitter or Tumblr bios. Sometimes I even came across a fanfic with an asexual character. But I'd hardly ever heard people use the word in real life, or even on TV or in movies. I figured it was something to do with not liking sex. But I didn't know for sure. Erm ... not really,' I said. 'I've heard of it.' I immediatelv felt embarrassed by this admission. 'You really don't have to spend time explaining it to me, I can just - I could just go and look it up He smiled again. 'It's OK. I'd like to explain it. The internet can be a bit confusing. I shut my mouth. *Asexuality means I'm not sexually attracted to any gender.' 'So ...' I thought about this. 'That means ... you don't want to have sex with anyone?' He chuckled. 'Not necessarily. Some asexual people feel that way. But some don't.' Now I was just confused. Sunil could tell. It's OK,' he said, and it genuinely did make me feel like it was OK that I didn't understand. 'Asexuality means I'm not sexually attracted to any gender. So I don't look at men, or women, or anyone, and think, wow, I want to do sexy stuff with them. This made me snort. 'Does anyone actually think stuff like that?' Sunil smiled, but it was a sad smile. 'Maybe not in those exact words, but yes, most people think stuff like that This shook me. 'Oh. So, I just don't feel those feelings. Even if they're someone I'm dating. Even if they're a model or a celebrity. Even if, on a basic, objective level, I can tell that they're conventionally attractive. I just don't feel those feelings of attraction. Oh.' I said again. There was a pause. Sunil looked at me, contemplating what to say next. Some asexuals still enjoy having sex, for a whole variety of reasons,' he continued. 'I think that's why a lot of people find it confusing. But some asexuals don't like sex at all, and some are just neutral about it. Some asexuals still feel romantic attraction to people - wanting to be in relationships, or even kiss people, for example. But others don't want romantic relationships at all. It's a big, big spectrum with a whole range of different feelings and experiences. And there's really no way to tell how one specific person feels, even if they openly describe themselves as asexual. So ...' I knew it was a little invasive to ask, but I just had to. 'Do you still want relationships?' He nodded. 'Yes. I identify as gay as well. Gay asexual.' As ... as well?' The technical term is homoromantic. I still want to be in relationships with guys and masculine folks. But I feel very indifferent about sex, because I have never looked at men or any gender and felt sexual attraction to them. Men don't turn me on. Nobody does.'"So romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction?'*For some people they feel like different things, yes,' said Sunil. 'So

some people find it useful to define those two aspects of their attraction differently.' *Oh.' I didn't know how I felt about that. What I felt was so whole - it didn't feel like two different things. Jess - she's aromantic, meaning she doesn't feel romantic attraction for anyone. She's also bisexual. She won't mind me telling you that. She finds a lot of people physically attractive, but she just doesn't fall in love with them.' Isn't that sad? was what I wanted to ask. How is she OK with that? How would I be OK with that? "She's happy,' said Sunil, like he'd read my mind. 'It took her some time to feel happy with herself, but ... I mean, you met her. She's happy with who she is. Maybe it's not the heteronormative dream that she grew up

wishing for, but ... knowing who you are and loving yourself is so much better than that. I think. This is ... a lot,' I said, my voice quiet and a little croaky, Sunil nodded again. 'I know. A lot a lot. I know.' Why do things have to be so complicated?' Ah, the eternally wise words of Avril Lavigne.' I didn't know what to say after that. I just stood there, processing. It's funny,' said Sunil after a few moments. He looked down, as if remembering an old joke. 'So few people know what asexuality or romanticism are. Sometimes I think I'm so wrapped up with Pride Soc that I forget there are people who've just. never even heard these words. Or have any idea that this is a real thing. I-I'm sorry,' I said instantly. Had I offended him? Oh my God, you have nothing to be sorry about. It's not in films. It's hardly ever in TV shows, and when it is, it's some tiny subplot that most people ignore. When it's talked about in the media, it gets trolled to hell and back. Even some queer people out there hate the very concept of being aro or ace because they think it's unnatural or just fake - I mean, vou heard Lloyd.' Sunil smiled sadly at me. 'I'm glad you were curious. It's always good to be curious. I was curious now, that's for sure. And I was also terrified. I mean, that wasn't me. Asexual. Aromantic. I still wanted to have sex with someone, eventually. Once I found someone I actually liked. Just because I'd never liked anyone didn't mean I never would ... did it? And I wanted to fall in love. I really, really did. I definitely would someday. So that couldn't be me. I didn't want that to be me. Fuck. I didn't know. I shook my head a little, trying to dispel the hurricane of confusion that was threatening to form inside my brain. I should ... go home,' I stammered, feeling suddenly like I was being a huge bother to Sunil. He probably just wanted to have a nice evening, but here I was, asking for a sexuality lesson. 'I mean - back to college. Sorry um, thank you for explaining about ... all of that. Sunil gazed at me for a long moment. "Sure,' he said. 'I really am glad you came along, Georgia. Yeah.' I mumbled. "Thank vou.' Pride Soc is here for you,' he said. 'OK? Nobody was ever there for me, until ... until I met Jess. And if I hadn't met her . He trailed off, something crossing his expression that I couldn't read. He replaced it with a familiar calm smile. 'I just need you to know that people are here for you. OK.' I said hoarsely. And then I was gone. I guess it's fair to say a lot was spiralling in my brain on that walk home. I was going to hurt Jason, or Jason and I were going to die together wearing wedding rings. Pip was thriving - maybe she didn't need me any more. Why couldn't I feel anything for anyone? Was I what Sunil and Jess were? Those super long words that most people hadn't even heard of? Why couldn't I fall in love with anyone? I passed the shops and cafés, the history department and Hatfield College, drunk students and locals stumbling around, and the cathedral, lit up gently in the dark, and that made me stop and think about how I had walked this path with Jason only a few hours earlier, and we had been laughing, and I had almost been able to imagine that I was someone entirely different. When I got back to my room, the people upstairs were having sex again. Rhythmic thumping against the wall. I hated it, but then I felt bad, because maybe it was two people in love. In the end, that was the problem with romance. It was so easy to romanticize romance because it was everywhere. It was in music and on TV and in filtered Instagram photos. It was in the air, crisp and alive with fresh possibility. It was in falling leaves, crumbling wooden doorways, scuffed cobblestones and fields of dandelions. It was in the touch of hands, scrawled letters, crumpled sheets and the golden hour. A soft yawn, early morning laughter, shoes lined up together by the door. Eyes across a dance floor. I could see it all, all the time, all around, but when I got closer, I found that nothing was there. A mirage.

I Love None

"It's all just build-up to the point where they inevitably have really wild sex,' I said, thinking fondly of some of my favourite enemies-to-lovers fics. It makes the eventual sex more exciting. I suppose it makes a good story.' Jason flipped over a page. 'It's funny how much stuff revolves around sex. I don't even think I'd need it in a relationship. Wait, really?' Like, it's fun, but ... I don't think it's a deal-breaker. If the other person didn't want to do it that much. Or at all, I guess.' He looked up from behind the book. "What? Is that weird?' I shrugged. 'No, that's just a cool way to think about it.' If you really loved someone, I just think you wouldn't really ... care so much about things like that. I dunno. I think everyone's been kind of conditioned to be obsessed with it, when in actual fact ... you know, it's just a thing people do for fun. You don't even need it to make babies any more It's not like you'd die without it.'

Was there some kind of third choice when it came to mine and Jason’srelationship? Could we be together and just ... not have sex?I stood there in the doorway trying to picture it. No sex, but still aromance. A relationship. Kissing Jason, holding hands with Jason. Being inlove.I’d spent a lot of time thinking about how I felt about love, but not muchabout having sex – I’d just assumed that sex would automatically be a partof it. But it didn’t have to be. Sunil had told me that some people didn’twant sex but were perfectly happy in relationships without it. Maybe I did like Jason romantically – I just didn’t want to have sex with him

Wank Fantasy.

We all know that the concept of ‘virginity’ is dumb as hell and inventedby misogynists

People didn’t really just look at boobs or abs and get turned on. Did they?

No, but it's cool to know I'm not alone in that.' She wrapped her covers a little tighter round her. 'Like, I know I only go out with guys, but ... you know. It's fun to think about other stuff.' Maybe I was bi or pan, then. Maybe we both were. If gender didn't matter to us, that would make sense, right?

"No!' I exclaimed. The thought of having sex with Jason freaked me out. People don't - people don't actually do that, do they?' What, fantasise about someone they have a crush on?' As soon as she said it, I realised how obvious it was. Of course people did that. I'd seen it dozens of times in movies and on TV and in fanfics.

I was staring at my phone screen.And then I chucked it across my bed.‘This has to be a fucking joke,’ I blurted.Rooney paused. ‘What?’I sat up, pushing the covers off my body. ‘Everyone has to be fuckingJOKING.’‘What d’you –’‘People are really out there just ... thinking about having sex all the timeand they can’t even help it?’ I spluttered. ‘People have dreams about itbecause they want it that much? How the – I’m losing it. I thought all themovies were exaggerating, but you’re all really out there just cravinggenitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke.’There was a long silence

Countdown Timer Music

Looking back, it was almost hilarious.Whenever someone tried to kiss me, I went headfirst into a fight or flightresponse.His eyes focused on my lips, then darted back up. He wasn’t like Tommy.He was trying very hard to work out whether this was something I wanted.He was looking for the signals. Had I been giving off the signals? Maybe itwould have been easier for him to just ask, but how do people phrase that ina non-cheesy way? And to be honest, I was glad he didn’t ask, because whatwould I have said?No. I would have said no, because it turned out I just couldn’t lie toanyone except myself.As he moved towards me, only a fraction of an inch, I imagined theCountdown timer music starting to play.I wanted to try.I wanted to wantto kiss him.But I didn’t actually want to kiss him.But maybe I should do it anyway.But I didn’t want to.But maybe I wouldn’t know until I tried.But I knew that I already knew I already knew what I felt.And Jason could tell.He moved back again, clearly embarrassed. ‘Uh ... sorry. Wrongmoment.’‘No,’ I found myself saying. ‘Go on.’I wanted him to just do it. I wanted him to rip the plaster off. Yank thebone back into shape. Fix me.But I already knew there was nothing to fix.I was always going to be like this

Brainwashed

As much of a romantic as I was, I hadn’t given much thought to what myfirst kiss would be like. Looking back, that probably should have been anindicator of me not really wanting to kiss anyone, but years of films, music,TV, peer pressure, and my own craving for a big love story hadbrainwashed me into believing this was going to be something amazing, aslong as I gave it a shot.It was not amazing.In fact, I hated it. I think I would have felt less uncomfortable if someonehad dared me to start singing on public transport

knew what sorts of feelings kissing was supposed to bring up. I’d readhundreds, possibly thousands of fanfics by this point. Kissing someone youlike was supposed to make your head spin, your stomach twist, your heartspeed up, and you were supposed to enjoy it.I didn’t feel any of that. I just felt a deep, empty dread in the pit of mystomach. I hated how close he was. I hated the way his lips felt againstmine. I hated the fact that he wanted to do this.It only lasted for a few seconds.But those were some very uncomfortable seconds for me.And, from the look on his face, they were for him too.‘You look like that was terrible,’ I found myself saying. I didn’t knowwhat else to say but the truth by this point.‘So do you,’ said Jason

And then he was gone.Jason didn’t deserve any of this.Jason was ...Jason had real feelings for me.He deserved someone who was actually able to reciprocate.

Fantasy Future

It wasn’t just that I’d hurt Jason. It wasn’t even having to accept that I wassome kind of sexual orientation that barely anyone had heard of, that Iwould have to find some way to explain to my family and everyone else. Itwas knowing, with absolute certainty, that I was never, ever going to fall inlove with anybody.I had spent my whole life believing that romantic love was waiting forme. That one day I’d find it and I would be totally, finally happy.But now I had to accept that it would never happen. None of it. Noromance. No marriage. No sex.There were so many things that I would never do. Would never evenwant to do or feel comfortable doing. So many little things I’d taken forgranted, like moving into my first place with my partner, or my first danceat my wedding, or having a baby with someone. Having someone to lookafter me when I’m sick, or watch TV with in the evenings, or going on acouples’ holiday to Disneyland.And the worst part of it was – even though I’d longed for these things, Iknew that they’d never make me happy anyway. The idea was beautiful.But the reality made me sick.How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did notactually want?I felt pathetic for getting sad about it. I felt guilty, knowing that therewere people out there like me who were happy being like this.I felt like I was grieving. I was grieving this fake life, a fantasy futurethat I was never going to live.I had no idea what my life would be like now. And that scared me. God,that scared me so, so much(this is the whole chapter it just encapsulates the longing and emotions so well, like yes I’m happy for people who do get to feel these amazing things and maybe if I was selfish I could suck it up and throw myself into a relationship to experience these things too but it doesn’t change the fact that I would be uncomfortable with it and it would be unfair to whoever my partner would be)

Mirror World

I may be a virgin,’ I said, ‘but I sort of thought that filling a hole wasusually the point

D’you wanna watch some YouTube?’ she asked.This threw me. ‘Er ... sure.’She put down her mug, stood up, threw open the duvet and slippedinside. She shuffled over to one side and patted the space next to her,indicating for me to get in.‘I mean ... you don’t have to,’ Rooney said, sensing my hesitation.‘D’you have a lecture in the morning, or something?’I didn’t. I had a fully free day of no contact time tomorrow.‘Nah. I have to eat my fish and chips anyway.’ I retrieved my dinner, thenlay down next to her. It felt right and wrong at the same time – a mirrorworld. The same as my own bed but everything was opposite.She smiled and pulled her floral duvet over us and huddled towards me toget comfy, then grabbed her laptop from her bedside table

I kept giggling aloud, which made Rooney laugh, and before I knew it, we’d been watching for twenty wholeminutes. She immediately found another video she wanted to show me, andI was happy to let her. Halfway through, she rested her head on myshoulder, and ... I don’t know. That was probably the calmest I’d ever seen her. We watched silly videos for another hour or so until Rooney shut her laptop and put it aside, then snuggled back down into the bed. I wondered whether she’d fallen asleep, and if so, should I just go back to my own bed

Anyway, you’re only eighteen, you’ve got so much time –’ I started tosay, but didn’t know how to continue. What did I mean when I said that?That she’d definitely find the perfect relationship someday?Because I knewthat wasn’t true. Not for me. Not for anyone.It was something adults said all the time. You’ll change your mind whenyou’re older. You never know what might happen. You’ll feel differently oneday. As if we teenagers knew so little about ourselves that we could wakeup one day a completely different person. As if the person we are right nowdoesn’t matter at all.The whole idea that people always grew up, fell in love and got married was a complete lie. How long would it take me to accept that?

‘You want ...’ It wasn’t even that shewanted a relationship. Not really. She wanted what a relationship wouldgive her.‘You want someone to know you,’ I said.She stayed silent for a moment. I waited for her to tell me how wrong Iwas.Instead, she said, ‘I’m just lonely. I’m just so lonely all the time.’I didn’t know what to say to that, but I didn’t need to, because she fell a sleep a few minutes later. I looked over her head and saw that Roderickhad significantly wilted – Rooney was definitely forgetting to water him. Istared up at the ceiling and listened to her breathing next to me, but I didn’t want to leave the bed, because even though I couldn’t sleep, and I was paranoid about drooling on her or rolling on top of her by accident, Rooney needed me for some reason. Maybe because, despite all of her friends and acquaintances, nobody really knew her like I did

But if She Cannot Love You

I’m a genius. You’re a genius. This play is going to be genius.’Rooney joined in with the applause. So did Sunil. And I saw Jason verysubtly wipe his eye.‘That was OK?’ I asked, although that’s not really what I wanted to ask.Was I good? Will I be OK?Everything in my life was upside down, but did I still have this? Did Istill have one thing that brought me happiness?‘More than OK,’ said Pip, smiling wide, and I thought, Yeah, OK. I hatedmyself right now for a lot of reasons, but at least I had this

Two Roommates

Without it, I would have probably just stayed in bed for two weeks, because figuring out my sexuality had unearthed a new kind of self-hatred I hadn’t been ready for. I’d thought figuring that out was supposed to make you feel proud, or something.Clearly not.

The Bailey Ball

You never know – you might meet your future husband tonight!’I laughed before I could stop myself. Two months ago, I would have beendreaming of a perfect, magical meet-cute at my first university ball.But now? Now I dressed for myself.

‘I think it’s a good clash. I look like an angel and you look like a devil.’‘Yes. I’m the anti-you.’‘Or maybe I’m the anti-you.’‘Is this a summary of our whole friendship?’We looked at each other and laughed.

When they went to leave, Sunil winked at me, which mademe feel better for about two minutes, but then the brain goblins returned.This was who I was. I was never going to experience romantic love, allbecause of my sexuality – a fundamental part of my being that I couldn’t change.

Capulet vs Montague

I had felt that this was my world, and one day, I would be one of these people. I didn't feel like that any more. I would never be one of these people. Flirting. Falling in love. Happily ever after.

Defeated

Because ...’The words were on the tip of my tongue. Because I am aromantic andasexual. But it sounded clunky. They still felt like fake words in my brain,secret words, whispered words that didn’t belong in the real world.

You don’t have to get into dating right now. You’ve got so much time.’So much time. I wanted to laugh.‘I don’t think I will,’ I said.‘Will what?’‘Date. Ever. I don’t like girls either. I don’t like anyone.’The words echoed around the room. There was a long pause ‘You are drunk,’ she said.I was, a little, but that wasn’t the point.And she’d laughed. That annoyed me.That was how I’d expected her to react. That was how I expectedeveryone to react.Pitying, awkward laughter. I don’t like guys,’ I said. ‘And I don’t like girls. I don’t like anyone. SoI’m never going to date anyone.’Rooney said nothing for a few moments.And then she said, ‘Listen, Georgia. You might feel that way right now,but ... don’t give up hope. Maybe you’re going through a rough patch at themoment, like, I don’t know, the stress of starting uni or whatever, but ...you will meet someone you like one day. Everyone does.’No, they don’t, was what I wanted to say.Not everyone.Not me.‘It’s a real thing,’ I said. ‘It’s a ... it’s a real sexuality. When you don’tlike anyone.’I couldn’t say the actual words, though.It probably wouldn’t have helped if I had.‘OK,’ said Rooney. ‘Well, how do you know that you are ... that? Howdo you know that you won’t meet someone one day who you really like?’I stared at her.Of course she didn’t understand.Rooney wasn’t the romance expert I’d thought she was. I was pretty sureI knew more than her at this point.‘I’ve never had a crush on anyone in my life,’ I said, but my voice wasquiet and I didn’t even sound confident, let alone feel confident about who Iwas. ‘I ... I like the idea of it, but ... the reality ...’ I trailed off, feeling alump in my throat. If I tried to explain it, I knew I would just start crying. Itwas still so new. I’d never tried to explain it to anyone before.‘Have you kissed a girl, then?’I looked at her. She was looking at me level-headedly. Almost like achallenge.‘ No,’ I said.‘So how do you know you don’t like that Deep down, I knew this was an unfair question. You didn’t have to trysomething to know for sure you don’t like it. I knew I didn’t like skydiving.I definitely didn’t need to try that out to prove it.But I was drunk. And so was she.‘I dunno,’ I said.‘Maybe you should give it a go before you ... you know. Completelyreject the idea that you could possibly find someone.’ Rooney laughedagain. She wasn’t trying to do it in a mean way. But that was how it felt.I knew she just wanted to help.And that sort of made it worse.She was trying to be a good friend, but she was saying all the wrongthings because she didn’t have the faintest idea what it was like to be me……………. She was annoying me, and I realised that it was because what I was doing wasn’t ‘giving up’. It was acceptance.And maybe, just maybe, that could be a good thing.‘I don’t want you to feel like you’re going to be sad and lonely forever!’she said, and that was the moment I broke a little.Was that all I would be? Sad and lonely? Forever?Had I doomed myself by daring to think about this part of me?Was I just accepting a life of solitude?As soon as those questions hit me, they opened the floodgate to all thedoubts I thought I’d been fighting off maybe it was all just a phase Maybe this was giving up.Maybe I should keep trying.Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It wasn’t a fear or nervousness or ‘notmeeting the right person yet’. This was a part of me. I did not feel thefeelings of attraction, of romance, of desire, that other people felt.And I wasn’t ever going to

Paper Flowers

The walls around me were made of paper flowers. Above me were twinklingfairy lights. Students passed, laughing, holding hands, wearing stylish suitsand sparkly dresses. The song playing overhead was ‘Young Hearts RunFree’ by Candi Staton.I hated all of it

Survivor

I stood at theedge of the dance hall as the band were finishing their set, playing a slowsong so all the couples could hold each other and sway. It made me feelsick.

This was, perhaps, the final straw.Was everyone just having sex and falling in love all the time? Why? Howwas it fair that everyone got to feel that except me?I wished everyone would stop. I wished sex and love didn’t exist.

Ah, well. You’ll get to brag tomorrow.’ He wrapped anarm round my shoulder and started walking us towards the throng ofstudents. ‘You’re a survivor!’I tried to smile, but it just turned into a lip wobble. Sunil didn’t see, toobusy leading us onward.I blinked again.And then I said it.‘I think I might be ... asexual. And also aromantic. Both of them.’Sunil stopped walking. Yeah?’ he said Uh ... yeah,’ I said, looking at the floor. ‘Um. Don’t really know what todo about that.’Sunil stayed very still for a moment. Then he moved, his arm droppingaway from me and turned so that he was standing directly in front of me.He put his hands on my shoulders and bent a little so that our faces werelevel.‘There’s nothing to do, Georgia,’ he said softly. ‘There’s nothing to do atall.’And then the photographer started getting impatient and shouted ateveryone to get organised, so Sunil marched us over to the scrum and wesqueezed into the third row next to a couple of his friends, and as he turnedaway to chat to them, only then did I realise that what I’d said wasundeniably true. I knew that now.Sunil turned back, squeezed my shoulder and said, ‘You’re gonna be OK.There’s nothing you have to do except be.’‘But ... what if what I am is just ... nothing?’ I breathed out and blinkedas the photographer took the first shot. ‘What if I’m nothing?’‘You’re not nothing,’ Sunil said. ‘You have to believe that. Maybe I could do that. Maybe I could believe

Very Opposite People

I decided to be bold and type out:so as it turns out, I am aromantic asexualRooney gave me a look.It wasn’t the ‘what the fuck is that?’ look that I expected.It was a curious look. Curious. A little concerned, maybe, but not in abad way.Just honestly wanting to know what’s going on with me.yeah I was confused about it too hahait means i’m not attracted to anyone romantically or sexually no matter their gendersorta been figuring that out lately Rooney watched me type. Then she took a moment to think before sheresponded.R – Wow ... I didn’t even know that was a thing!!! I always assumedit was like ... you like guys or girls or some sort of comboG – haha yeah samehence all the confusionR – It sounds really difficult to figure out ... I’m proud of you!!!!!!It was far from a perfect response to someone coming out. But it was sodistinctly Rooney that it brought a smile to my face.R – Are you feeling okay about it?G – to be honest not really.buti think i will bein time?like ... realising and accepting that this is who i am is the firstcouple of steps and i have done that now i guess??Before typing a response back, Rooney simply put her head on myshoulder and rested it there for a few seconds, in lieu of a real hug, whichwould have been a bit difficult in the middle of a lecture.R – I guess I can’t really relate but I’m here for you. Like, if you everwanna rant about it or just talk things through!

Aromantic Asexual

The internet is a blessing and a curse. Googling ‘the aromantic asexual’unleashed a quantity of information I was not mentally or emotionallyprepared for. The first time I searched it, I quickly exited the window anddidn’t search again for a whole day.My animalistic instinct was this is stupid.This is fake.This is a made-up internet thing that is stupid and fake and absolutely notme.And yet, it was me. Sunil and Jess were not the only ones. There werethousands of people on the internet who identified this way and were veryhappy to do so. In fact, people had been using the word ‘asexual’ as asexual identity since as far back as 1907. So it wasn’t even an ‘internetthing’ at all. (My experience was somewhat like this as well the first time I looked up what asexual was, I did it in a Private window on someone else’s computer so what I typed couldn’t be traced back to me at all and I freaked out when I started reading about it quickly shut it down and didn’t venture to explore asexually for 2 whole months after that )

aromanticmeant little-to-no romantic attraction. On a more intense internet dive, Idiscovered there was actually a lot of debate over these definitions becausepeople’s experiences and feelings could be so vastly different, but at thatpoint, I decided to log the hell off again.

But after finding a group of Indian asexuals online, he’dstarted to feel proud of his identity.Sunil had no doubt been on a very different journey to me, and a lot ofthings that he’d dealt with, I would be shielded from due to being white andcis. But it was reassuring to know that he too had felt some anxiety aboutbeing asexual. People didn’t always love who they were right away.

It turned out that lots of asexual people still wanted to have sex for all

sorts of different reasons, but some felt totally neutral about it, and others

what I'd originally thought - literally despised it. Some asexual people still

masturbated; others didn't have libidos at all.

It also turned out that lots of aromantic people still wanted to be in

romantic relationships, despite not feeling those feels. Others didn't ever

want a romantic partner.

And people identified as all sorts of combinations of romantic and sexual

- there were gay asexuals, like Sunil, or bisexual romantics, like Jess, or

straight asexuals, pansexual aromatics, and loads more. Some asexual and

romantic people didn't even like splitting up their attraction into two

labels, and some just used the word 'queer' to summarise everything. There

were words I had to google like "demisexual' and 'greyromantic', but even

after googling I wasn't sure exactly what they meant.

The romantic and asexual spectrums weren't just straight lines. They

were radar charts with at least a dozen different axes.

It was a lot.

Like a lot a lot.

The crux of it all was that I did not feel sexual or romantic feelings for

anyone. Not a single goddamn person I had ever met or would ever meet.

So that really was me.

Aromantic.

Asexual.

I came back to the words until they felt real in my mind, at least. Maybe

they wouldn't be real in most people's minds. But I could make them real in

mine. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.

I whispered them sometimes under my breath, until they felt like a magic

spell. Pictured them as I fell asleep.

I'm not sure when I realised that I was no longer feeling melancholic

distress about my sexuality. The woe is me, I am loveless mood had just

gone.

It was anger, noW.

I was so angry.

At everything.

I was angry at fate for dealing me these cards. Even though I knew there

was nothing wrong with me - lots of people were like this, I wasn't alone,

love yourself, whatever - I didn't know how to get to the point where this

would stop feeling like a burden and instead feel like something good,

something I could celebrate, something I could share with the world.

I was angry at every single couple I passed in the street. Every single pair

I saw holding hands, every single time I saw that couple down the corridor

flirting in the kitchen. Every time I saw two people cosying up in the library flirting in the kitchen. Every time I saw two people cosying up in the library

or in the cafeteria. Every time one of the authors I'd liked posted a new

fanfiction.

I was angry at the world for making me hate who I was. I was angry at

myself for letting these feelings ruin my friendships with the best people in

the world. I was angry at every single romance movie, every single fanfic,

every single stupid OP that had made me crave finding the perfect

romance. It was because of all of that, no doubt, that this new identity felt

like a loss, when in reality, it should have been a beautiful discovery.

Ultimately, the fact that I was angry about all of that just made me

angrier because I knew I shouldn't feel angry about any of these things. But

I did, and I'm trying to be honest about it, OK? OK.

(As someone who is learning new things every day I really don’t think that anger goes away, we just have to try to live with the people we are, do I still hope that one day I’ll wake up and be able to feel these things that other people feel so easily and effortlessly of course! But that only ends up hurting me in the process, kinda like holding onto a hot coal it only burns your self, and because you feel bad you could take it out on others. This is something that I am still learning to let go! If you feel this way too you are not alone )

True Love

I have always felt lonely, I think. I think a lot of people feel lonely. Rooney. Pip. Maybe even Jason, though he hasn't said so. I'd spent my teenage life feeling lonely every time I saw a couple at a party, or two people kissing outside the school gate. I'd felt lonely every time I read some cute proposal story on Twitter, or saw someone's five- year-anniversary Facebook post, or even just saw someone hanging out with their partner in their Instagram story, sitting with them on a sofa with their dog, watching TV. I felt lonely first because I hadn't experienced that. And I felt even lonelier when I started to believe I never would. This loneliness - being without Jason and Pip - was worse. Friends are automatically classed as 'less important' than romantic partners. I'd never questioned that. It was just the way the world was. guess I'd always felt that friendship just couldn't compete with what a partner offered, and that I'd never really experience real love until I found romance. But if that had been true, I probably wouldn't have felt like this. I loved Jason and Pip. I loved them because I didn't have to think around them. I loved that we could sit in silence together. I loved that they knew all. my favourite foods and they could instantly tell when I was in a bad mood. I loved Pip's stupid sense of humour and how she immediately made every room she entered a happier place. I loved how Jason knew exactly what to say when you were upset and could always calm you down. I loved Jason and Pip. And now they were gone. I had been so desperate for my idea of true love that I couldn't even see it when it was right in front of my face.

(In our society we place an emphasis on romantic love being above platonic, there is a term in the aro community that helps break down this ideal , relationship anarchy)

Home

She had done just that when she was my age, and I think shefelt very fulfilled because of it. Fair enough. You do you.But that didn’t stop me from being deeply, deeply annoyed.‘Actually,’ I said, trying as hard as I could to keep the irritation out of myvoice, ‘I’m not really interested in getting a boyfriend.’‘Oh, well,’ she said, patting my leg again, ‘plenty of time, my love.Plenty of time.’But my time is now, I wanted to scream. My life is happening right now.My family then launched into a conversation about how easy it was to getinto a relationship at uni. In the corner, I spotted my cousin Ellis, sittingquietly with a glass of wine and one leg crossed over the other. She caughtmy stare, smiled a small smile, and rolled her eyes at the group around us . I smiled back. Maybe, at least, I would have an ally

don’t know when I started to notice how Ellis was sort of the butt of thejoke in our family. Every time she and Gran were in the same room, Granwould manage to drag the conversation back to the fact that she wasn’tmarried yet and hadn’t provided the family with any cute babies for them tocoo over. Mum always spoke about her like she had some sort of tragic life,just because she lived by herself and had never had a long-termrelationship.I’d thought she had a super-cool life. But I guess I had always wonderedwhether she was happy. Or whether she was sad and alone, desperately wishing for romance, just like I had been.

Ellis

then.I was tucked up in bed by 10 p.m. Overall, not a bad Christmas Day, despitehaving lost my best friends and the way my singleness was becoming anongoing family joke.One day I would probably have to just tell them.I don’t like guys. Oh, so you like girls? No, I don’t like girls either. What?That doesn’t make any sense. Yes, it does. It’s a real thing. You just haven’tmet the right person yet. It’ll happen with time. No, it won’t. This is who Iam. Are you feeling OK? Maybe we should get you an appointment withthe GP. It’s called being ‘aromantic asexual’. Well, that sounds fake,doesn’t it? Did you hear about that on the internet?Ugh. OK. Didn’t really want to venture into that conversation any time soon. (MOOD)

*Doesn't that bother you at all?' asked Auntie Sal. What is there to bother me?' That Jonathan is growing up, starting a family, making plans while you're still Still what?' snapped Ellis. What am I doing that's so bad?' There's no need to shout,' said Uncle Gavin. I'm not shouting. You're getting older,' continued Auntie Sal. 'You're in your mid- thirties. You're passing your dating prime. Soon it's going to get harder an harder for you to have children. I don't want to date, and I don't want children,' said Ellis. Oh, come on, now. Not this again. You are our only child,' said Uncle Gavin. 'Do you know what that's like for us? You are the sole carrier of my surname. It's not my fault you didn't have any more children,' said Ellis. And what, that's it for us? No more children in the family? We don't get to be grandparents? That's the thanks we get for raising you?' Ellis sighed loudly. We're not trying to criticise your ... life choices,' said Auntie Sal. 'We know it's not about us, but ... we just want you to be happy. I know you think you're happy now, but what about ten years from now? Twenty? Forty? What will your life be like when you're Gran's age, without a partner, without children? Who is going to be there to support you? You'll have no one.'Maybe I would be happy,' Ellis shot back ‘if you hadn’t spent my entirelife brainwashing me into thinking that finding a husband and having babiesis the only way for me to feel my life is worth anything. Maybe then Iwould be happy.’Auntie Sal went to interrupt, but Ellis cut her off.‘It’s not as if I’m actively rejecting people, OK?’ Ellis sounded on theverge of tears now. ‘I don’t like anyone like that. I never do. This is justwho I am and one way or another, we’re all going to have to put up with it.I can still do amazing things with my life. I have friends. And I’ll make newfriends. I was a successful model. Now I’m an artist and my paintings areselling really well. I’m thinking about going to uni to study art, since Inever got to go the first time. I have a really nice house, if you could everbe bothered to visit. If you tried, and I mean really tried, you could actuallybe proud of all the things I’ve done in my life and all the things I’m goingto do.’There was a long, horrible silence.‘What would you say,’ said Auntie Sal, speaking slowly as if choosingher words, ‘to thinking about trying therapy again? I’m still not sure we found the right therapist last time. If we kept looking, we could find

someone who could really help.

Silence.

And then Ellis said, 'I don't need fixing. You don't get to do that to me

again.'

There was the sound of chairs scraping the floor as someone stood up.

*Ell, don't do this,' said Uncle Gavin. 'Don't have a strop like last time.

I am an adult,' said Ellis. There was a contained fury in her voice that

reinforced the statement. 'And if you're not going to respect me, then I am

not going to be around you.

I watched, hidden in the darkness at the top of the stairs, as Ellis sat down

on the bottom step to put her shoes on. Then she pulled on her coat, calmly

opened our front door, and stepped outside.

Before I could think twice, I raced to my room, grabbed my dressing

gown and slippers, and ran after her.

I found her sitting in her car, vape pen hanging from her mouth but with

seemingly no intention of smoking anything.

(This is an example of acephobia(aphobia) and arophobia and if you experiences or have experienced something like this I’m so sorry no one should have to go through anything like this EVER, this is why I’m so education focused on this blog and in real life too we are not broken and people fear what they don’t understand it doent excuse any actions that they take against us)

Platonic Magic

"You mean, do I ever feel like my life is worthless because I won't ever have a partner or children?' she asked. It sounded worse when she put it like that. But I wanted to know. I needed to know whether I would always feel uncomfortable with this part of myself.

"Yeah,' I said. *Well, firstly, I can have children whenever I want. Adoption exists. *But what about having a partner?' She paused. And then she said, 'Yes, I do feel like that occasionally.'

Oh. So maybe I was always going to feel like this. Mavbe I would never feel comfortable with this. Maybe - *But that's just a feeling,' she continued. 'And I know it's untrue. I blinked up at her. 'Having a partner is what some people want. For others, it's not. It took

me a long, long time to figure out that that's not what I want. In fact .' She hesitated. But only for a moment. 'It took me a long time to realise that it's

not even something I can want. It's not a choice for me. It's a part of me that I can't change.' I was holding my breath.

*How did you realise?' I asked eventually, my heart in my mouth. She laughed. 'It's. well, are you in the mood for me to condense my entire life into one conversation over a Christmas Day McDonald's?'. Yes. Ha. OK.' She took a spoonful of ice cream. 'So... I never had any crushes when I was a child. Not any real ones, anyway. Sometimes I

confused friendship for them, or just thinking a guy was really cool. But I

never really fancied anyone. Even celebrities or musicians or whatever. She raised her eyebrows and huffed out a sigh as if this was all a minor

inconvenience. *But the thing was,' she said, 'everybody else I knew got crushes. They dated. All my friends talked about hot boys. They all got boyfriends. Our family has always been big and loving - you know, your parents and my parents and our grandparents and everyone else - so that was always what I saw as the norm. That was all I knew. In my eyes, dating and relationships were just ... what people did. It was human. So that's what I tried to do too.' Tried. She had tried too.

"And this continued into my late teens, and then into my twenties. Especially when I got into modelling, because everyone was getting with

each other in modelling. So I would force myself to do it too, just to be

involved and not be left out.' She blinked. 'But .…. I hated it. I hated every

fucking second of it.' There was a pause. I didn't know what to say. "I don't know when I started to realise that I hated it. For a long time, was just dating and having sex because that's what people did. And I wanted to feel like those people. I wanted the fun, exciting beauty of romance and sex. But there was always this underlying feeling of wrongness. Almost disgust. It just felt wrong on a fundamental level.' I felt a wave of relief that I had never let myself go that far. Maybe I was a little stronger than I thought. 'And yet, I kept trying to like it. I kept thinking, maybe I'm just picky. Maybe I haven't met the right guy. Maybe I like girls instead. Maybe, maybe, maybe.' She shook her head. *Maybe never came. It never got

here.' She leant back into the driver's seat, staring ahead at the soft glow of

McDonald's. "There was the fear too. I didn't know how I was going to function in this world alone. Not just alone now, but endlessly alone. Partnerless until I die. You know why people pair up into couples? Because being a human is

fucking terrifying. But it's a hell of a lot easier if you're not doing it by

yourself. I guessed that was the crux of it. I could, on a base level, accept that I was like this. But I didn't know how

I was going to deal with that for the rest of my life. Twenty years from now.

Forty. Sixty. Then Ellis said, 'But I'm older now. I've learnt some things. *Like what?' I asked. *Like the way friendship can be just as intense, beautiful and endless as romance. Like the way there's love everywhere around me - there's love formy friends, there's love in my paintings, there's love for myself. There's even love for my parents in there somewhere. Deep down.' She laughed, and I couldn't help but smile. I have a lot more love than some people in the world. Even if I'll never have a wedding.' She took a big spoonful of ice

cream. 'There's definitely love for ice cream, let me tell you that. I laughed and she grinned at me. I was hopeless about being like this for a long time,' she said, and then shook her head. 'But I'm not any more. Finally. Finally I'm not hopeless any more.' "I wish I could be like that,' I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them. Ellis raised a curious eyebrow at me. "Yeah?' I took a breath. OK. Now or never. I think I'm ... like you,' I said. 'I don't like anyone either. Romance-

wise, I mean. Dating and stuff. It's ... I just can't feel any of it. I used to want it - I mean, I still think I do want it sometimes. But I can never really

want it, because I don't feel that way for anyone. If that makes sense.I could feel myself going redder and redder the more I spoke. Ellis said nothing for a moment. Then she ate another spoonful of ice cream. That's why you got in the car, isn't it?' she said. I nodded. *Well,' she said. She seemed to realise the magnitude of what l'd admitted. "Well.' "It's a real sexuality,' I said. I didn't even know if Ellis knew it was asexuality. "Just like being gay or straight or bi.' Ellis chuckled. 'The nothing sexuality.' "It's not nothing. It's ... well it's two different things. Aromantic is when

you don't feel romantic attraction and asexual is when you don't feel sexual attraction. Some people are just one or the other, but I'm both, so I'm romantic asexual.' That wasn't the first time I'd said those words. But every time I said them, they felt a little more at home in the air around me. Ellis considered this. 'Two things. Hm. Two in one. Buy one get one free. Love that! I snorted, which made her genuinely laugh, and all the nerves that had been constricting my chest eased. Who told you about those, then?' she asked. *Someone at uni, ' I said. But Sunil wasn't just someone, was he? 'One ofmy friends. Are they also ...?' "They're asexual too. *Wow.' Ellis grinned. 'Well, that makes three of us.' *There are more,' I said. 'A lot more. Out there. In the world.' "Really?' "Yeah.' Ellis stared out of the window, smiling. 'That would be nice. If there were lots out there. We sat in silence for a moment. I finished eating my chips. There were more of us out there. Neither of us were alone in this. *You're ... very lucky to know all of this,' said Ellis suddenly. 'I'm She shook her head. 'Ha. I guess I'm a bit jealous."Why?' I asked, confused. She looked at me. 'I just wasted a lot of time. That's all.'She chucked her empty McFlurry pot into the back seat and turned on the ignition.'I don't feel lucky,' I said. *What do you feel?'"I don't know. Lost.' I thought of Sunil. 'My friend said I don't have to do anything. He said all I need to do is be.*Your friend sounds like a wise old sage. "That just about sums him up. Ellis started driving us out of the car park.I don't like doing nothing,' she said. 'It's boring."So what do you think I should do?'She gave this some thought for a moment. Then she said. 'Give your friendships the magic you would give a romance. Because they're just as important. Actually, for us, they're way more important.' She glanced to one side at me. 'There. Was that sage-like enough for you?' I grinned. 'Very sage-like.' "I can be profound. I am an artist. *You should put this in a painting. *You know what? Maybe I will.' She raised a hand and twinkled her fingers. I'll call it Platonic Magic. And no one who isn't like us - wait, what was it? Aro...?' *Aromatic asexual?' *Yes. No one who isn't romantic asexual will understand it. "Can I have it?' 'Do you have two thousand pounds?' *Your paintings are selling for two thousand pounds?' *They sure are. I'm pretty good at my job.'

*Can I get student discount?' *Maybe. Just because you're my cousin. Student cousin discount.' And then we were laughing as we reached the motorway and I thought about the magic that I could find, maybe, if I looked a little harder.

(YESSS JUST YES ! THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT SHARING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHER realizing that there is no one superior form of relationship familial, platonic, Alterous, romantic ect they all exist and you can experience all or none of them if you wish)

Memories

When I was thirteen, I had a crush on one of myfriends. A girl. But like –’ she made a shrugging gesture ‘– all girls do that,right? Like, that’s common, having little crushes on your female friends.’‘No,’ I said, trying not to laugh. ‘Nope. Not all girls do that. Example A.’I gestured to myself.‘Well. OK, then.’ She looked to one side. ‘I guess I like girls, then.’She said it with such nonchalance, it was as if she’d realised her sexualityand come out in the space of about ten seconds. But I knew her better thanthat. She’d probably been figuring it out for a while. Just like I had.‘Does that make me bi?’ she asked. ‘Or ... pan? Or what?’‘Whatever you want.

Love Ruins Everything

You know what I’ve learnt?’ she said. ‘Love ruins everything.’I didn’t agree, but I didn’t know how to argue with a statement like that.So she left and I just said nothing

You Deserve Joy.

OK. I was brave. And there were cupcakes.I went to get a cupcake. For emotional support

Hearing about all these things, and seeing allthe people getting excited about them, made me feel excited in a weird way.Even though I wouldn’t go to most of them. I almost felt like I belonged tosomething just by being here

"No. It's about the relationships we form here. Friendship, love and support while we're all trying to survive and thrive in a world that often doesn't feel like it was made for us. Whether you're gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, intersex, non-binary, asexual, aromantic, queer, or however you identify - most of us here felt a sense of unbelonging while we were growing up.' Sunil looked one more time at Jess, then back out at the crowd. "But we're all here for each other. And it's those relationships that make Pride Soc so important and so special. It's those relationships that, despite all of the hardships in our lives, will continue to bring us joy every single day.' He raised his glass. 'And we all deserve joy It was kind of cheesy, maybe. But it was also one of the loveliest speeches I'd heard in my whole life. Everyone raised their drinks then cheered for Sunil as he stepped down and Jess buried him in a hug. That was it. That was what everything was about. The love in that hug. The knowing look between them. They had their own love story. That was what I wanted. That was what I'd had, once, maybe. I used to dream of a spellbinding, endless, forever romance. A beautiful story of meeting a person who could change your whole world.But now. I realised, friendship could be that too.

Jason

Fortunately, he spoke first.‘I wish Pip was here,’ he said. ‘She would have loved tonight.’It wasn’t what I expected him to say, but as soon as he did, I realised howright he was.Jason snorted. ‘I have such a clear vision of her dressed up as Scooby-Doo, doing the Scooby-Doo voice.’‘Oh my God. Yes.’‘I can literally hear it. And it’s terrible.’‘She would be terrible.’We both laughed. Like everything was back to normal.But it wasn’t.Not until we talked about it

You didn’t deserve to be treated like that,’ I continued, trying to get it allout now while I had the chance.Jason nodded. ‘That is true.’‘And I need you to know that it was nothing to do with you – you’re –you’re perfect.’Jason smiled, and attempted to flip the hair of his wig. ‘Also true.’‘I’m just – I’m just different. I just can’t feel that stuff.’‘Yeah.’ Jason nodded again. ‘You’re ... asexual? Or aromantic?’I froze. ‘What – wait, you know what those are?’‘Well ... I’d heard of them. And when you messaged me I made theconnection and then I went and looked them up and, yeah. That soundedlike what you were describing.’ He looked alarmed suddenly. ‘Am I wrong?I’m so sorry if I got it wrong ...’‘No, no – you’re right.’ I let out a breath. ‘I-I am. Uh, both of them. Aro-ace.’‘Aro-ace,’ Jason repeated. ‘Well.’‘Yeah.’He slotted his hand into mine and we resumed walking.

I did remember this incident. But I didn't think I'd been particularly forceful or bold. I'd just tried to stand up for my best friend who was clearly in the right. It just made me think ... Georgia might be kind of quiet and shy, but she'd stand up to a scary teacher if one of her friends was being shouted at. That's the sort of person you are. It made me feel certain that you truly cared about me. And I guess that's when I started ... you know, falling for you. I still care about you that much,' I said immediately, even though I didn't think what I'd said to Mr Cole was particularly special or brave. still wanted Jason to know that I cared about him exactly as much as he'd thought in that moment.

Sorry.

Sunil peered at Jason’s framed photo of Sarah Michelle Gellar and FreddiePrinze Jr for a solid few seconds before tapping it and asking, ‘Wouldsomebody like to explain this, please?’‘It’s a really long story,’ said Jason, who was sitting on his bed.‘It’s a good story, though,’ I added. Me and Rooney were on the floorwith Jason’s pillows as back rests, though Rooney was having a smallpower nap.‘Well, now I’m even more intrigued.

Beth

Rooney had stopped crying by the time I returned to our room. Instead, she was changing into going-out clothes. You're going out?' I asked, shutting the door behind me and flicking the light switch. She hadn't even bothered to turn the light on Yeah,' she said, pulling a bardot top over her head. Why?' Because if I stay here,' she snapped, 'then I'll have to sit and think about everything all night, and I can't do that. I can't just sit and be with my thoughts. Who do you even go out with?' Just people in college. I have other friends.' Friends who don't ever stop by for tea, or come over for movie nights and pizza, or check in with you when you're feeling rough? That's what I wanted to say. OK.' I said.

Alive. Thank God. Thank God. I ran up to her. She was just wearing the bardot top and a skirt, despite the fact that it had to be like five degrees outside. What - what are you doing?' I said, feeling inexplicably angry at her. She looked up at me. 'Oh. Good. Finally.' You .... Have you just been sitting here all night?' She stood up, attempting to be nonchalant, but I could see the way she was clutching her arms, trying to control her violent shivering. 'Only a couple of hours.' I wrenched off my dressing gown and gave it to her. She wrapped it round herself without question. Couldn't you have called someone else - one of your other friends?' I asked. "Surely someone was awake. She shook her head. 'No one was awake. Well, a couple of people read my messages, but ... they must have ignored them. And then my phone died. I was so alarmed by this that I couldn't even think of anything else to say I just let us back into college and we walked to our room in silence. You can't just ... You need to be more careful,' I said as we entered the room. 'It's not safe to be out there on your own at that time. She started changing into her pyjamas. She looked exhausted. Why do you care?' she whispered. Not in a mean way. A genuine question. Like she honestly couldn't fathom what the answer was. 'Why do you care about me?' You're my friend,' I said, standing by the door. She didn't say anything else. She just got into bed and closed her eyes. I picked up her discarded clothes from the floor and put them in her wash basket, but then realised her phone was in her skirt pocket, so I fished it out and put it on charge for her. I even poured a little bit of water into Roderick's planter. He really was looking a little perkier. And then I got into bed and wondered why I cared about Rooney Bach, queen of self-sabotage, the love expert who wasn't. Because I did. I really, really did care about her, despite how different we were and how we probably wouldn't have ever spoken if we hadn't been roomed together and all the times she'd said the wrong thing or made a mess of a situation. I cared about her because I liked her. I liked her passion for the Shakespeare Society. I liked the way she’d get excited about things thatdidn’t matter very much, like rugs or plays or college marriage. I liked theway she’d always genuinely wanted to help me, even though she’d neveractually known the right thing to say or do and had given much worseadvice than I’d initially realised.I thought that she was a good person, and I liked having her in my life.And I was starting to realise that it was unfathomable to Rooney thatsomeone could feel that way about her.

Emergency Meeting

No, Jess will actually be upset if I don’t ask her to take part,’ said Sunil.‘She’s obsessed with stuff like this

We ordered pancakes – I went for savoury; she went for sweet – andchatted for a while about mundane topics like our coursework and theupcoming reading week.Eventually, though, she cut to the chase.‘I know why you’re doing this,’ she said, her gaze level with mine.‘Doing what?’‘Making me go out for breakfast and help you with the Pip thing.’‘Why’s that, then?’‘You feel sorry for me.’I put my knife and fork neatly on to my empty plate. ‘No, actually.Wrong. Utterly wrong.’I could tell she didn’t believe me.And then she said, ‘You spoke to Beth on the phone.’I froze. ‘You were awake?’‘Why’d you answer the phone?’Why had I answered the phone? I knew most people would have just letit go to voicemail.‘I guess ... I hoped she was calling to check up on you,’ I said, and Ididn’t know how much sense that made.I had just wanted Rooney to know that someone had called. Thatsomeone cared. But Beth wasn’t that person. She didn’t care any more.‘Wasshe?’ asked Rooney in a small voice. ‘Calling to check up on me?’I could have lied.But I didn’t lie to Rooney.‘No,’ I said. ‘She didn’t have your number saved.’Rooney’s face dropped. She looked down, to one side. She took a longgulp of apple juice.‘Who is she?’ I asked.‘Why do you have to do that?’ Rooney leant on to one hand, covering hereyes. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’‘That’s fine. I just want you to know that you can.’I ordered another drink. She sat in silence with her arms folded,seemingly trying to cram herself further into the corner of the room

The Night Before

‘I’m really nervous about tomorrow,’ I confessed halfway through thethird video.‘Same,’ said Rooney, crunching a biscuit in her mouth.‘Do you think she’ll like it?’‘I honestly have no idea.’We didn’t say anything else for a little while, and we soon finished thebiscuits too. When the fourth video ended, Rooney didn’t go to find a newone, so we just lay there silently in the light of the screen.After some time – maybe a few minutes, maybe longer – she asked,‘D’you think it’s weird I’ve still got that picture of Beth?’I rolled my head to face her.‘No,’ I said. That was the truth.‘I do,’ she said. She sounded so tired.

I wanted to rewind time and give her the life she deserved because I loved her, and she was a goodperson. I knew she was a good person.‘It’s not your fault,’ I whispered. ‘You have to believe that.’She wiped frantically at her eyes, which didn’t help much.‘Sorry,’ she said hoarsely. ‘This always happens when I talk about ...stuff.’‘I don’t mind you crying,’ I said.‘I just ... I hate the idea of people knowing me because ... surely thenthey’ll hate me the same way I hate myself.’‘But I don’t,’ I said. ‘I don’t hate you But I don’t,’ I said. ‘I don’t hate you.’She didn’t reply. She kept her eyes closed. And I don’t know when weboth fell asleep but we did, tangled up like that in our makeshift double bed,and I knew there was no easy way to fix this, but I hoped she felt safe, atleast. Maybe I would never be able to replace Beth, and maybe Rooneywould take a long time to dig her way out of these feelings, and maybethere was nothing I could do to help at all. But I hoped she felt safe with me

Your Song

This was a terrible idea,’ I said to Jason, who was standing next to me at the riverbank wearing a large, bright-yellow life jacket over his own suitand tie. It was a look.‘It’s not a terrible idea,’ he said. ‘It’s a very good idea.’‘I’ve changed my mind.

You can do this, OK? I mean, you’re absolutely fucking insane for doingthis, but this is literally going to go down in history. Honestly, I wouldn’t besurprised if it went viral.’I shot him a panicked look. ‘I do not want this to go viral. I want to dothis and then never think about it again. No one is allowed to post this onYouTube.’‘OK. It won’t go viral.

‘Nearly there,’ Jason murmured from behind me.I turned to him, feeling comforted by his presence.‘It’s gonna be amazing,’ he said.‘Yeah?’‘Yeah.’I tried out a little smile. ‘Thanks for helping.’Jason shrugged. ‘We’re friends.’I grinned. ‘Let me know if you need any help with any elaborate platonicgestures of your own.’‘I will.’And when I turned back and looked up at the bridge, Pip was there.Her eyes were wide behind her glasses. The winter wind was whippingher hair into a mess of dark curls. She was bundled in a thick Puffa jacket,standing next to her friend who, thankfully, had brought her here on time.She was looking down at me, mouth open, absolutely baffled.I just grinned. I couldn’t help it.‘Hi!’ I called up to her.And then she grinned back and shouted, ‘What the fuck?’I turned to everyone on the boat. Sunil, Jess and Rooney had picked uptheir instruments, ready to begin. They were waiting for me.‘Ready?’ I said.They nodded. I counted them in.And then, with three accompanists, I stood on a boat on the River Wearand sang ‘Your Song’ – the version specifically from Moulin Rouge – to Pip Quintana, who didn’t yet know me as well as I wished she did, but despite that, was one of my favourite people I had ever met.

The Opposite of Curious

I looked at him, feeling how much my face was burning. ‘What?’‘You need to ask the question.’Oh yeah.I grabbed the megaphone we’d brought with us from the bottom of therowing boat – carefully, so I didn’t just fall into the water, which wasbecoming an ever-increasing danger by this point – and held it up.‘Pip Quintana,’ I said, and it came out so loud through the megaphonethat I made myself jump.Pip looked incredibly flustered and still did not seem to know what wasgoing on. ‘Yes?’‘Will you be my college wife?’The look on her face told me that she was not expecting that question.Then she smacked her palm on to her forehead. She realised.‘YES!’ she shrieked at me. ‘AND I HATE YOU!

Why are you like this?’ was the first thing Pip said to me, furiouslyrubbing tears from her eyes, new ones replacing them just as fast.‘Like ... what?’ I asked, genuinely confused.Pip shook her head, sitting back from me a little. ‘This.’ She laughed. ‘Inever would have done something like this. I’m too much of a dumbass.’‘You’re not a dumbass.’‘Oh, I am. Big, big dumbass.’‘You’re talking to someone who is waist-deep in a river in February rightnow.

‘All in the spirit of love,’ replied Sunil, slinging an arm round Jess.He was right, I supposed All of this was for love, in one way or another

Because ... I don’t. I can’t. I can’t like anyone. Not boys, not girls, notanyone.’ I ran a hand over my hair. ‘I just ... can’t. I never will.’I waited for the words that would inevitably follow. You don’t know that.You’ll meet someone one day. You just haven’t met the right person.But all she said was, ‘Oh.’She nodded slowly in that way she did when she was thinking hard aboutsomething.I was just going to have to say the words.‘It’s called aromantic asexual,’ I said on an exhale.‘Oh,’ she said again.I waited for her to say something more, but she didn’t. She just sat there,thinking really hard.

‘I get that it sounds weird.’ I could feel myself going red. Would I everstop feeling embarrassed about explaining this to people?‘It’s not weird.’‘It sounds weird, though.’‘No, it doesn’t.’‘It does.’‘Georgia.’ Pip smiled, a little exasperated. ‘You’re not weird.’She was the first person who’d said that to me.I hated that I still felt, sometimes, underneath it all, that I wasn’t normal.But maybe getting over that would take time.Maybe, little by little, I could start to believe that I was OK.‘A bit wordy, though, isn’t it?’ Pip continued, leaning back on to the sideof the bed. ‘Eight whole syllables. Bit of a mouthful.’‘Some people call it aro-ace for short.’‘Oh, that’s way better. That sounds like a character from Star Wars.’ Shemade a dramatic gesture with one hand. ‘Aro Ace. Defender of theuniverse.’‘OK, I hate that.’‘Come on. You like space.’‘No.’We were just joking, but I sort of wanted to scream. Take me seriously.She could tell.‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how to talk about serious things withoutmaking it into a joke.’I nodded. ‘Yeah. It’s fine.’‘Did you ... feel like that all through school?’‘Yeah. I wasn’t really aware of it, though.’

This is going to sound bad, but, like, how do you know you won’t findsomeone one day?’This was the question that had been plaguing me for months.But when Pip asked me it then, I realised I knew the answer.Finally.‘Because I know myself. I know what I feel and ... what I have thecapability to feel, I think.’ I smiled weakly at her. ‘I mean, how do youknow you won’t fall for a guy one day?’Pip made a face.I laughed. ‘Yeah, exactly. You just know that about yourself. And now I know too.

Why did you college propose to me?’ Pip asked.There’d been a lot of reasons. I’d wanted to make a big gesture, I’dwanted to cheer her up, I’d wanted her to be my friend again, I’d wanted tomake things right. I was sure Pip knew all those things too.But maybe she needed to hear it out loud.‘Because I love you,’ I said, ‘and you deserve magical moments likethat.’Pip stared at me.Then her eyes filled with tears.She leant on to one hand, covering her eyes. ‘You fucking dick. I’m notdrunk enough to cry while having emotional conversations with friends.’‘I’m not sorry.’‘You should be! Where the fuck are your tears!’‘I don’t cry in front of anyone, my dude. You know this.’‘I’m making it my new mission in life to make you cry with emotion.’‘Good luck with that ‘It’s going to happen.’‘Sure.’‘I hate you.’I grinned at her. ‘I hate you too.

Mess

Yes,’ said Rooney, strained, after a long pause. ‘So ... you and Georgiahad a sleepover?’‘Oh, yeah, erm –’ Pip suddenly blanched. ‘I mean – just a platonicsleepover. Obviously. We didn’t – Georgia’s not –’‘I know,’ said Rooney quickly. ‘Georgia’s not into sex.’Pip’s mouth twitched. Rooney using the word ‘sex’ seemed to have sentPip on to another level of panic.‘Georgia’s right here,’ I said, literally unable to keep the giant smile offmy face by this point.Pip stepped back, her cheeks tinged red. ‘Um ... anyway, yeah, I’d bettergo.’Rooney looked dazed. ‘OK.’‘I ... well, it was nice to ... um ... yeah.’‘Yeah.

I shrugged. ‘Thought I’d check.’She rolled on to her back, spreading out her limbs as if willing herself tomelt into the sheets. ‘I’m a mess.’‘So’s Pip,’ I said. ‘You’re kind of made for each other.’Rooney made a low grunting sound. ‘Don’t give me false hope. She’snever going to like me after what I did.’‘Do you want my opinion?’‘No.’‘OK.’‘Wait, yes. Yes I do.’‘Pip likes you back and I think you should actually try talking to her normally again.

*Because I'm shit and she deserves better. I can't fall in love, anyway. I'll get over this. Pip should be with a nice person. The way she said it - light and casual - I could have easily mistaken it for a joke. But because I understood Rooney on a slightly deeper level by this point, I knew she wasn't joking at all. 'Dude,' I said. 'I'm the one who can't fall in love. I think you just don't want to. She made a 'harrumph' noise. *Well?' I asked. 'Are you aromantic?' 'No,' she grumbled. *There. So stop erasing my identity and tell Pip you like her. *Don't use your identity to make me admit my feelings. "I can and I will.' 'Did you see her bedhead?' Rooney mumbled into her pillow. "Er, yes?' "She looked so fluffy.' *She'd probably murder you if you called her fluffy.' "I bet she smells really nice. "She does. Fuck you.

We Kept the Beds Together

Excuse me, we are co-directors. I get some of the credit.’‘No. Incorrect. I removed your directorship when you decided toabandon us for two months.’Pip’s mouth dropped open, and she whipped her head round to me to seemy reaction. ‘Is she allowed to joke about that yet? Surely we’re not at thepoint where we can joke about our feud yet.’‘I can joke about what I want,’ said Rooney.I was busy stacking chairs. ‘I’m not getting involved,’ I said.

Even though I still wasn’t sure whether Rooney was really OK.We hadn’t spoken again about what she’d told me that night we moved thebeds. About Beth and her ex-boyfriend and her teenage life.But we kept the beds together.We rehearsed our play and we ate in the cafeteria, and Rooney stoppedgoing out at night. We sat together in lectures and walked to and from thelibrary in the cold and we watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine one Saturdaymorning until noon, buried in the covers. I waited for her to break again.For her to run away from me.But she didn’t, and, still, we kept the beds together

Oh. Thisis an asexual thing.’ I laughed at myself. ‘I forgot other people are obsessedwith having sex. Wow. That’s really funny.’I suddenly realised both Rooney and Pip were gazing at me with smallsmiles on their faces. Not pitying or patronising. Just kind of like they werehappy for me.I guess it was a development that I could laugh about my sexuality. Thathad to be progress, right?‘It’s a good movie, but I think it’d be better if the main romance wasgay,’ said Pip.‘Agreed,’ said Rooney, and we looked at her.

Horny and Confused

Felipa Quintana: Okay I know it’s 7am and you’re definitely asleep but oh my god youare going to murder me when I explain what just happenedOh my GOD sflkgjsdfhlgkj okayWOW Sorry I literally cannot process Okay. right. so Everything was fine last night, like, once you left we just wentthrough our last scene.(I mean fine by our standards, like obviously talking to her is just fullof tension every time)

I Will Find Her

‘No, it’s my fault,’ I said. I should have been looking out for her. I shouldhave seen this coming.I knew her better than anyone.Anyone in her whole life.‘I’ll find her,’ I said. ‘I promise I’ll find her.’ I owe her that

.It was Rooney’s phone.I picked it up and turned the screen on. All of my missed calls were onthere. Lots from Pip too, and even a couple from Jason.I sat down on the grass.And I just cried. From exhaustion, from confusion, from fear. I just sat ina field with Rooney’s phone and cried.Even after everything, I couldn’t help her.I couldn’t be a good friend to her.I couldn’t make her feel like she mattered in my life.‘GEORGIA.’A voice. I looked up.For a moment I thought I might be dreaming. Whether she was aprojection from my mind of what I wished was happening right now.But she was real.Rooney was running across the bridge to me, a Starbucks in one handand a bunch of flowers in the other

Grand Gestures

p had cried in front of me dozens of times. It didn’t take much to sether off. Often it had been warranted, but sometimes she cried just becauseshe was tired. Or that one time she cried because she made a lasagne andthen dropped it on the floor.Jason had cried in front of me a few times. Only when really bad thingshappened, like when he realised how horrible Aimee was to him, or wewatched really sad movies about old people, like The Notebook and Pixar’sUp.Rooney had cried in front of me a few times too. When she first told meabout her ex. Outside Pip’s door. And when we moved the beds together.I’d never cried in front of her.I’d never cried in front of anyone.‘Why ... are you ... here ...?’ I managed to stammer out in betweenheaving breaths. I didn’t want her to see me like this. God, I didn’t wantanyone to see me.‘Like this

‘She’s really worried about you,’ I said. ‘Maybe we should get back.’Rooney turned to me.‘You were really worried about me too, weren’t you?’ she said. ‘I’venever seen you cry before.’I clenched my teeth, feeling the tears welling up again. This was why Ididn’t cry in front of people – when I started, it took me ages to stop.‘What’s going on?’ she said. ‘Talk to me.’‘I ...’ I looked down. Ididn’t want her to see me. But Rooney waslooking at me, eyebrows furrowed, so many thoughts churning behind hereyes, and it was that look that made me start spilling everything out. ‘I justcare about you so much ... but I’ve always got this fear that ... one dayyou’ll leave. Or Pip and Jason will leave, or ... I don’t know.’ Fresh tearsfell from my cheeks. ‘I’m never going to fall in love, so ... my friendships are all I have, so ... I just ... can’t bear the idea of losing any of my friends.Because I’m never going to have that one special person.’‘Can you let me be that person?’ Rooney said quietly.I sniffed loudly. ‘What d’you mean?’‘I mean I want to be your special person.’‘B-but ... that’s not how the world works, people always put romanceover friendships –’‘Says who?’ Rooney spluttered, smacking her hand on the ground infront of us. ‘The heteronormative rulebook? Fuck that, Georgia. Fuck that.’She stood up, flailing her arms and pacing as she spoke.‘I know you’ve been trying to help me with Pip,’ she began, ‘and Iappreciate that, Georgia, I really do. I like her and I think she likes me andwe like being around each other and, yep, I’m just gonna say it – I think wereally, really want to have sex with each other.’I just stared at her, my cheeks tear-stained, having no idea where this wasgoing.‘But you know what I realised on my walk?’ she said. ‘I realise that Ilove you, Georgia.’My mouth dropped open.‘Obviously I’m not romantically in love with you. But I realised that whatever these feelings are for you, I ...’ She grinned wildly. ‘I feel like Iam in love. Me and you – this is a fucking love story! I feel like I’ve foundsomething most people just don’t get. I feel at home around you in a way I have never felt in my fucking life. And maybe most people would look at us

and think that we're just friends, or whatever, but I know that it's just ... so

much MORE than that.' She gestured dramatically at me with both hands.

*You changed me. You ... you fucking saved me, I swear to God. I know I

still do a lot of dumb stuff and I say the wrong things and I still have days

where I just feel like shit but ... I've felt happier over the past few weeks

than I have in years.

I couldn't speak. I was frozen.

Rooney dropped to her knees. 'Georgia, I am never going to stop being

your friend. And I don't mean that in the boring average meaning of 'friend'

where we stop talking regularly when we're twenty-five because we've

both met nice young men and gone off to have babies, and only get to meet

up twice a year. I mean I'm going to pester you to buy a house next door to

me when we're forty-five and have finally saved up enough for our

deposits. I mean I'm going to be crashing round yours every night for

dinner because you know I can't fucking cook to save my life, and if I've

got kids and a spouse, they'll probably come round with me, because

otherwise they'll be living on chicken nuggets and chips. I mean I'm going

to be the one bringing you soup when you text me that you're sick and can't

get out of bed and ferrying you to the doctor's even when you don't want to

go because you feel guilty about using the NHS when you just have a

stomach bug. I mean we're gonna knock down the fence between our

gardens so we have one big garden, and we can both get a dog and take

turns looking after it. I mean I'm going to be here, annoying you, until

we're old ladies, sitting in the same care home, talking about putting on a

Shakespeare because we're all old and bored as shit.'

She grabbed the bunch of flowers and practically threw them at me.

'And I bought these for you because I honestly didn't know how else to

express any of that to you.

I was crying. I just started crying again.

Rooney wiped the tears off my cheeks. "What? Don't you believe me?

Because I'm not fucking joking. Don't sit there and tell me I'm lying

because I'm not lying. Did any of that make sense?' She grinned. 'I am

extremely sleep-deprived right now.

I couldn't speak. I was a mess.

She gestured at the bunch of flowers, which had pretty much exploded in

my lap. 'I really wanted to do some grand gesture like you did for Pip and

Jason but I couldn't think of anything because you're the brains in this

friendship.' That made me laugh. She wrapped her arms round me, and then I was just half laughing, half crying, happy and sad at the same time.

*Don't vou believe me?' she asked again, holding me tight. I believe you,' I said, my nose all bunged up and my voice croaky. "I promise.

It's Been Fun

As I turned a corner, I said, ‘Are they in a dressing room, or ...?’ andwhen I got no answer, I glanced back, only to find Rooney and Pipvigorously making out, Rooney having pushed Pip up against a dressing-room door, both of them seemingly unbothered that I was literally rightthere.‘Hey,’ I said, but they either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me.I coughed loudly.‘HEY,’ I repeated, louder this time, and they reluctantly broke apart,Rooney looking a little irritated and Pip adjusting her glasses, looking likeshe’d just been punched. ‘We have a play to perform?

As I turned a corner, I said, ‘Are they in a dressing room, or ...?’ andwhen I got no answer, I glanced back, only to find Rooney and Pipvigorously making out, Rooney having pushed Pip up against a dressing-room door, both of them seemingly unbothered that I was literally rightthere.‘Hey,’ I said, but they either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me.I coughed loudly.‘HEY,’ I repeated, louder this time, and they reluctantly broke apart,Rooney looking a little irritated and Pip adjusting her glasses, looking likeshe’d just been punched. ‘We have a play to perform?

‘Whatever happens,’ I said, ‘it’s been fun, right? It’s all been fun.’Everyone nodded. We all knew it had.Whatever happened with the play, with the society, with our strange littlefriendship group ...It had all been so much fun

Good Night

‘Lastly,’ said Jason, ‘four of us wanted to say that we’re dedicating thisperformance to the person who managed to bring us all together aftereverything sort of fell apart.’He turned and looked at me in the wings, his eyes finding mine.‘Georgia Warr is the reason this play is even happening,’ he said. ‘And itmight just be a small play, but it matters to all of us. Quite a lot. AndGeorgia deserves to have something made just for her. So, this one’s foryou, Georgia. This is a play about love.

After Sadie left, Rooney was the first to hug me. She clambered over theothers and just fell on top of me, pushing me down on to the stage andwrapping her arms round me, and I laughed, and she laughed, and we wereboth just laughing and laughing. Pip joined us next, shouting, ‘I want to beincluded,’ and leaping on top of us. Sunil rested his head on Rooney’s back,and then Jason wrapped his body round the four of us, and we all juststayed like that for a moment, laughing and babbling and holding eachother. At the bottom of the scrum, I was basically being crushed, but it wascomforting, in a weird way. The weight of all of them on top of me. Aroundme. With me.We didn’t have to say it, but we all knew. We all knew what we’d foundhere. Or, I did, at least. I knew. I’d found it.And this time there was no big declaration. No grand gesture.It was just us, holding each other.

The House

And there’s enough room to have everyone here,’ I said. By ‘everyone’,I meant the five of us, plus the others who’d been coming along to ourrehearsals – well, they weren’t really rehearsals any more. It wasn’t like wehad another play to prepare for this year, and we were all getting busy withexams and coursework, so we usually just met up to chat, watch movies,and get takeaway food. Every Friday night in my and Rooney’s room.Sometimes Sunil would bring Jess along, or Pip would bring her friendsLizzie and Leo. Sometimes half the Castle men’s rowing team showed up –loud boys who scared me at first, but were actually quite nice when you gotto know them. Sometimes it’d just be the original five, or fewer if we werebusy.It had become a ritual. My favourite university ritual.‘And this is the perfect place for Roderick!’ said Rooney brightly,pointing at an empty corner next to the sofa arm.

A society for aromantic and asexual students. And Isuppose I wondered ... whether you’d want to be involved. Not necessarilyas president of it, but ... well, I don’t know. I just wanted to ask. Nopressure, though.’‘Oh. Um ...’ I immediately felt nervous about the idea. I still had dayswhere I wasn’t brimming with confidence about my sexuality, despite allthe days where I felt proud and grateful that I knew who I was and what Iwanted. Maybe the bad days would become less and less common, but ... Ididn’t know. I couldn’t know.Maybe a lot of people felt like that about their identity. Maybe it wouldjust take time.‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I’m not even out to my parents.’Sunil nodded understandingly. ‘That’s OK. Just let me know after you’vethought about it.’I nodded back. ‘I will.

I was scared that she’d gone back to heavy drinkingand clubbing with strangers, but when I eventually confronted her about it,she timidly revealed that she was spending all of those nights in Pip’s room.And the clothes she kept leaving there were a bit of a giveaway.She’d spend nights in our room too, though. Lots of nights. It wasn’t likeshe’d replaced me, or I was less important.She was one of my best friends. I was one of hers. And we bothunderstood what that meant now

It wasn’t fancy, or anything. But I could really imagine myself livinghere. I could imagine all of us here, starting a new academic year, cominghome and slumping on the sofa next to each other, chatting in the kitchen inthe mornings over bowls of cereal, crowding into the biggest bedroom formovie nights, falling asleep in each other’s beds when we were too tired tomove.I could imagine all of it. A future. A small future, and not a foreverfuture, but a future, nonetheless.

If you’ve made it to the end if this INCREDIBLY long post congratulations 🎊🎉🎈 I don’t think I would have the patients for it in all honesty! I really do love loveless as a book and the quotes that I pick out became more things that I can relate to which helps me figure out how I work as an aro ace person in this world. (Also just things that I relate to with taking care of my friends!)Sometimes I do question because I did actively deny my aro side for a long time! I’m happy that I get to read this book and it has represented some of my experiences really well! I believe it would be a good book for a more emotional understand of the aro-ace community!!!!!!! Thank you Alice Oseman for writing this fantastic and aro-ace centered story !!!

Thank you for reading 🧡💙

~skullkitten

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[pink-flower-ace]

Struck by love

When I moved from home it was to a very small community in the Swedish forest, because there is an art- and craftmanship school there that seemed very good and to give me the knowledge I wanted. (It was great. Literally one of the best choices I have made, but I must also admit that it was so great largely because of the classmates I had. Some of them are still some of my best friends in the world.) I chose to be open about being ace and with that accepted the existance of the risk that I could be a victim of 'correctional' rape if such a horrible kind of person was to know. I felt that I had to try and give some good to others by unapologetically give ace's visibility. Sort of. I have a couple of friends who are ace too (and aro), but they are not as comfortable or confident in being open to the world about it, but they still want to see themselves represented.

After two years there, my plan was to apply for british costume courses, but I chose to instead apply for one-year textile-stuff in Sweden. I felt very uncomfortable moving country right then since one of my brothers had almost died in undiagnosed diabetes type 1 not long before, and I am a soft goblin highly attached to my family. So i found my way to a community college by one of Sweden's biggest lakes, and that's where I met my partner.

How we met and got together is quite absurd. We lived in the same dorm, and with that shared kitchen. We were in the same class (them in term 2 and I in term 1), and assigned into the same group for the initial group project. We also had joint responsibility the first week for the scheduled coffe-breaks (fika in swedish), so we had to stock the fridge with snacks from the school kitchen and make sure there was coffee and tea and so on for everyone. We both like the rain and to hop in puddles so we'd take walks under my umbrella on rainy afternoons. We both like to bake and curl up with a film, so we started film-evenings with our classmates in the kitchen to watch everyone's favourite films. Three days after I first met them I was chrushing hard on them, and it increased rapidly. I also did my absolute best to deny it even to myself.

1: Why would anyone fall in love with me? 2: It's not worth encouraging the emotions only to have them shattered when they find out I'm sex-repulsed ace and just NOPEs out of any emotions they might have for me, because they are statistically most likely to not want that life. I had also grown an acceptance for how being ace can complicate romantic relationships, but maybe a bit too much because I was pretty much fully expecting mine to be a complete breaking point.

So I tried to find a situation where I could blatantly tell them I'm ace, and when I never really saw one I just tried to hint about it a lot to them. The earlier they knew the easier I hoped things would be. My hinting got through, becuase one day when we were alone in the kitchen they asked me if I was ace. Nervous but happy I answered yes, and we had a small chat about how okay that was with them (platonically, but undertones of other), and I think that was when they mentioned their own foot on the ace-spectrum. Then they asked if I was aro too, and for some reason I answered "maybe", which was very foolish since I knew 100% that I'm not, and I said it to the very person I was head over heels in love with. But a few days later they confessed that they were in love with me (much later they told me they wanted to get it out there so I could turn them down and be less uncomfortable if I was aro) and I stuttered out a "same" and... that's how we got together. 3 and a half weeks after we first met ever, laying on the carpet in my dorm room.

[thelionthemousethefoote]

Sexuality

Of the three subjects; sexuality, romanticism, and gender, this is the only one that I have a label that I am the most comfortable with.

Over the last few years, sex has progressively become a more prominent part in my life. That is to be expected, for I am a teenager after all, but because of that, the world has pressured me to be put into a box. Straight, or not straight. For nearly all of my life, I had assumed I was straight, because of hetronomity. But things change when the spotlight is on you. I soon realized that I didn't really care for sex the same way that my peers did. I would only think of sex in a scientific manner, while nearly everyone around me thought of it as some attainable dream, or something that they could want in the future (or they had already done). Which lead to some friends asking me some uncomfortable questions about sex, but that's for another story. Over the years I found out that I was not in fact straight, but something else.

I remember this one time, I was talking with my friend, and kids were brought up. A common fact about me is that I cannot stand young children, so of course all my friends try to pick my brain on why, and will make up scenarios to try to get some insight. So, my friend asked me that if I did like kids, would I ever have any. I responded by saying that if I ever did that I would definitely adopt. My friend asked me why, and I said that I could never see myself copulating with another person, it just isn’t something that I could ever want for myself. They then said that I was wrong for thinking that, because I was too young, and that things will change, and that everyone wants sex at some point in their life. I wasn’t in the mood to argue, so I just went back to my work. Their response left me feeling disappointed, distant, off, like I was wrong for not being the same as my friend, but I tried to ignore it. This was the first time that anyone blatantly denied my sexuality, and in turn me. My friend denied that asexuals existed. They denied that I could be an asexual. I am asexual.

At the time I didn’t know that asexuals were a thing, I simply thought that I was weird. I wouldn't even first hear the word until 9 or 10 months ago. Surprisingly enough the person that brought the word to my attention was my mom. I personally don’t like being open with my mom, she is the person that I am the most closed off to in my family. She just tends to not get what I try to tell her, and just can be insensitive when I do try to explain things to her. My mom is probably the most clueless person that I know when it comes to LGBTQ+ related topics. Ok, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but nearly everything that she knows about the LGBTQ+ community my brother and I taught her, and for the most part she still doesn’t get it. So having her introduce me to a word that is a part of me is an odd thing. In the last post I talked about the first time that I had tried to come out. I mentioned that it was “the wrong person”, this person was my mom (I will still dedicate an entire post to this experience, but it is sort of important to this story). Since then, my mom has tried to “prove my gayness” because of my failed coming out. I guess this example was her trying to do just that, but instead of “gayness” it was more “LGBTQ+ness”. One day she just stopped me while I was on my way upstairs, and just said “(insert name here) are you asexual?” I respond with “What does that mean?” “You don’t want sex*.” “Yes.” then I proceeded up the stairs.

When I said yes, it was more of me just trying to get to bed, because it was late. Turns out that I had trouble sleeping that night, so instead, I looked up the definition of ace (ace is short for asexual), and found these definitions - Adj. Without sexual feelings or associations. Noun. A person who has no sexual feelings or desires. After reading the definitions, I had two immediate thoughts. The first was that this was a very bland answer, and that I needed to learn more, and the other was that it “felt right”. Something just fit reading “asexual” and reading it thinking about it for myself. You know how sometimes you just feel like something is true, and it just sits well with you? Well that’s what happened. Because the literal dictionary definition was so cut and dry, as with everything else in life, I needed more information, and proceeded to the rest of the internet.

When I searched the internet, I found that there is some debate over whether asexuals are part of the LGBTQ+ community or not**, but more importantly, I learned a lot about the ace community. There was a lot to take in. I was discovering a new culture. I had new terminology to process, new slang to use, and of course new labels to fall under. Asexuality, like many things this day and age, is a spectrum. I found out that sexuality stretches from zedsexual (having “normal” sexual attraction; the opposite of asexual) to asexual (no sexual attraction), and that everyone falls somewhere in between. Then on top of that there are people who were sex repulsed, and then there are some asexuals who had sex. I instantly felt like I was drowning in too much information too quickly. I persisted, and I kept learning more about asexuality, and overtime, I understood it more and more. I decided that I didn’t need to choose a label that is super in depth and (to someone who knows the label) describes everything about me, but instead I could just stick with asexual. But, I also decided that I would need to define what that means for me (and right now, whoever is reading this).

So what does this mean for me? I will rarely have sex, if ever. The only reason why I would, is if a partner wanted to, but I have a feeling that I would not really enjoy it. I am fine with lots of other intimate interactions though. I can still be a normal partner. I am fine with with some things that other aces wouldn’t do, and possibly consider sexual like cuddling, kissing, hugging, hand holding (you’d be surprised what some people would consider sexual), and more “normal couple things”, I just don’t really want sex. My sexuality will probably have some implications on my life that others might see as drawbacks. One thing that my brother and I always joke about is how we are going to be the end of our bloodline. My brother is not planning on having kids, and I am asexual. Some people might think that this is horrible because we will have no one to carry on our legacy, but I just don’t really care. The only one who would be upset in my family would be my parents. My mom is always pointing out things that she would love to do with her grandkids someday, and I just laugh uncomfortably. But that all aside, what about my (possible) future partner? Well, being ace could really complicate my dating life, because nearly everyone actually wants to have sex. This would make dating harder because I would need to find someone who is fine with that. So, unless I could find an asexual partner that I am happy with, my partner and I would need to set up some rules. Because I would not be a supplier of sex, I would be fine with my partner hooking up with people from time to time, as long as it is just sex and nothing more. There is obviously more than it than that, but look, I’m just trying to give you an overview right now, we don’t need to go into detail.

The one thing that has really surprised me from my experience learning about asexuality, is that I had almost no representation. I kid you not, the first and only time I have ever seen a character on television (or any other major media for that matter) who is asexual has been on the TV show BoJack Horseman (minor spoiler up ahead). The character Todd Chavez, who, in my opinion, one the best characters, is ace. His experiences in the show were something that I could relate to. The show is able to cover some difficult topics really well, and I think that it did amazingly with this. I highly recommend the show to anyone who has not watched it, although, quick disclaimer, it is not suitable for all ages, because it has some (non graphic) sex scenes, strong language, and depressing humor. I was a little disappointed that the only representation that I have found is in a show that is kind of inappropriate and is a Netflix exclusive. One thing that I think that media really needs to do is have a wider, ACCURATE representation of more identities. If it weren't for my mom, then BoJack Horseman would have been the first time that I would have learned about asexuality. I’m not complaining, because it’s a great show, but it would have been nice to learn about it sooner, and lately, my only other source of  representation is YouTube. The thing is YouTube has absolutely everything, so it’s no surprise that this is where I can find some relatable content. My one problem is that ace YouTubers are few and far between, and the place where I learned the most about asexuality wasn’t even from a YouTuber who is ace (the YouTuber is Ash Hardell, the channel covers just about everything LGBTQ+ related, and Ash has done so much for the ace community that I just had to mention them)!

Even with so little representation, we aces do exist, and although our community is somewhat small, it is there. Being able to find out that more people like me do exist is really nice. It truly is refreshing to know that you aren't just some strange creature for not feeling a need to partake in something that is such a normal part of life for the majority of life. Sex is such a core part of human life, no scratch that, most life, that not ever having the same drive can make someone feel a bit alone. Especially when some people deny your existence, or exclude you from communities. I am glad that I have found that there are more people like me, and thanks to those others, I can confidently call myself ace.

Signed,

The Foote

*This is a quite the oversimplification of what asexual means.

**I wrote a paragraph which I was originally going to put in, but it seemed out of place, and I already write too much as it is, so I will /hopefully/ post that snippet some time between this and the next post.

[ghelikblack]

Character Study - Men

From what I’ve seen from social media, this is probably an unpopular opinion, but I actually like men. 

Anyone that knows me, knows I don’t really listen to people, in the sense that I usually “voy a mi bola”, as the Spanish say. I follow my own path and usually don’t care much what other people think either of me or of my way. 

That’s why I usually try and keep out of these highly politically charged discourses. Whenever I participate in them it’s mostly because at that moment I’m bored and in need of a good argument/discussion. I was taught to debate at school and I’ve loved it ever since. I can counter-argue practically anything -be it my opinion or not - and I love to do it. If you say brown bread is better than white bread, I would automatically jump into the discussion and try to argue my way around until I managed to convince my “adversary” of the wonders of white bread. 

The internet and social media -at least in my experience - isn’t much in favor of discussions. I had this one really interesting discussion on Twitter once, about the culture of a fictional group of people in a series. It ended with the other person saying something along the lines “you’re literally stupid” and then probably blocking me. I mean, it was a little hard arguing in favor of a culture of warriors when I am not much in favor of soldiers, to begin with. But it keeps the mind active and forces me to step into someone else’s shoes. 

What has gotten me out of my “shell” so to say it is what follows: every once in a while I would stumble  across some terrible experience some woman (or some gay man, because talking about men nowadays goes hand in hand with sexual representation, for some reason) has experienced at the hands of men. 

It chips away at you if you know what I mean. 

Then there’s the media I consume YA novels and fanfic. (I’ll try not to enter into the realm of movies and such because then this will turn into an essay and no one wants that).

I read mostly urban fantasy/science fiction/dystopian YA novels; usually with hetero protagonists. I haven’t read many LGTB+ YA novels so I couldn’t say if the trend is present there as well. 

But in those stories that I have read, I can tell you this: the heroine is shackled by The Old Ways – usually represented by some Big Bad Man, be it an evil dictator, a controlling father, etc. She breaks free of her shackles, the Male Lead discovers how badass she is, yadda-yadda we all know the gist. 

Don’t get me wrong stories are important and I understand why they exist. What they’re trying to tell. I even understand why most of the authors writing about heroines rejecting the patriarchal society are written by women. 

But whenever I come across yet another YA novel written in the First Person POV with a female lead, and a female writer I find myself rolling my eyes at it and leaving it unread. Which probably says more about me than the work that I am ignoring. I don’t dispute that. 

Why do I leave the book on its stand and walk slowly away? Because it is repetitive and boring. It is boring reading about how evil men are. It is boring to read flat one-dimensional characters that bumble around and look in awe at Awesome Protagonists, who are actually bimbos but think themselves average, who are clumsy and have a great heart and don’t think they’ll get with Romantic Interest because they’re not pretty like the adds. Not to speak about the even flatter and even more predictable villains: old men with ridiculous backward plans that are easily foiled by Special Snowflake. 

And yes, men are also heroes of exactly the same types of stories. Have been for centuries and they are as much Special Snowflakes as the females. So why don’t they make me uncomfortable? 

Because I don’t get reminded every five seconds of the fact that Special Snowflake is a man, a man that thinks himself average, a man that has the necessity of wooing Romantic Interest, and doesn’t know if she will ever look at him. 

Male protagonists are… un-gendered to me. Because there isn’t the need to insert a Romantic Interest in every story. Because when it is inserted it doesn’t necessarily hinge on the fact that “AW he’s so dreamy and I am so normal, watch me weep while I cleanse the world of demons”. Every time more often they form a partnership, or they leave the romance completely out. That is also possible. Sure, apparently people like sex, so sex is inserted in a lot of narratives. But even then, it feels like it’s not the primary goal fo the protagonists - ok the primary is to stop Evil Patriarchal Guy, but the second is to woo the man of their dreams, so... 

Yep, not a fan of YA female leads, which is my own personal opinion. Writing is difficult and if that’s the way you want to swing your story, go for it.  

Fanfic is the second Great Source of reading material for me. (Thanks to it I won’t be finishing my Goodreads book challenge this year either, so thanks, AO3) Anyway, Fanfic has always been transformative and innovator and cool and I love them and are incredibly grateful to all writers young and old. But they too have become a place where hetero men don’t seem to be welcome. An “anti-hetero”/ “anti-male” playground where characters that are male and non-LGTB+ are villainized, probably rapists and most definitely just a tool to the submission of women. 

But much like those random posts, I’ve mentioned earlier, and like YA novels, this chips at me. Makes me feel uncomfortable for starting to think this is more a trend than an actual critique.

 I mean: yeah men can be awful. But so can women, so can gays and lesbians, and bi, and ace and white and black and Asian and anyone. There are 7 billion people out there. I’m sure many can be nasty, nasty people. I am of the not-so-nice opinion that people as a whole suck.

This - I’m going to call it a trend from now on - trend reminds me of the short stories I wrote as a somewhat feminazi-14-year-old. Because now that I am older and I understand the world a bit better, my 14-year-old was an angry pessimist that didn’t write all that flattering portraits of men. 

I come from what you’d call a traditional middle-class 90’s family in which the father is an older authoritative figure. As a teen, I was rebelling against it. That is not to say that men had done anything to me, particularly. My father may be the authority in the household but he’s a good father and a good man that has always looked out for us and has given everything for his family.  – Love you, dad. 

At 14 I was just an angry rebellious girl with some very black-and-white worldviews and a flair for over-dramatization. Also, I love torturing fictional characters. So there’s that. 

I didn’t have many girlfriends – as in friends that are girls – growing up. I still don’t. I’ve always been more comfortable with boys. Most of my friends are cis, white, hetero. They’re also men. 

And of course I’ve had big explosive arguments and I’ve spent time not talking to some of them. But whenever I had a problem I could rely on them. Not to sound overdramatic, but no male friend of mine has ever “betrayed” me, or hurt me. Female friends have. Which doesn’t make all women evil and males suddenly saints. I’ve said it: humans suck. 

 But I hope you can see a bit where I’m coming from. 

And maybe I am alone in this. Maybe this is just my inability to completely grasp women psyche. Jus my own shortcomings. But whenever I hear a man saying “women are complicated” or “I don’t understand women” I totally get you! Because I don’t either and I am one of them! 

As it must be evident by now, I am not the most socially attuned person in any room - not even in this one and I am alone but for a beautiful moth flying around somewhere. 

That is the reason why this is only my opinion, and I accept that you might have a huge grudge against all men. 

Then again, I have a very limited memory and don’t really understand social cues. I am sure someone has leered at me at some point in my life, I am sure I haven’t noticed many of the times it happened. Maybe I am able to brush misogynistic comments away because not every man around me is a total douchebag. I don’t know. 

What I do know is that I like men. I enjoy spending time with them and it bothers me that social media insists on portraying them all as some faulty discriminating mass. Because that is not true and by doing so… Aren’t we stepping right into the “oppressors shoes and turning the tables to make them “pay”? Do we want to become the oppressors, make them feel bad for being what they are just as some sort of revenge for the centuries of oppression women and LGTB+ people have endured? Or is this really about feminism and equality and turning the page and making women and men of all colors and orientations equal? 

If what we want is the latter… Then we’re doing it wrong. We can’t use a hate-discourse. We can’t use the same weapons they’ve used against “us” and then just turn them on “them”. We need to find another way, a way to have no one be ashamed of the way they’re born. 

That is the hardest thing because it requires education. It requires understanding. It requires forgiveness for “Universal Sins”. And it requires a willingness to listen and stepping into other people’s shoes. Which, from what I’ve seen from my limited attempts at online debates, is severely lacking.