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dermatillo-bitch · 4 years ago

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Hey I'm about to go on the hugest rant in the world about why it's important to spread awareness for BFRBs so bear with me.

Today I was in a group chat of mine, and somebody else mentioned their dermatillomania. I got real excited to discuss it, as I never actually encounter other people who own up to having a BFRB.

We had a full out discussion in the chat. It was long, and we mentioned a lot of our struggles. After we had said a lot, about three other people said they had experienced similar struggles before and didnt know it had a name.

I wasnt shocked by this. BFRBs are usually very forgettable and not many psychiatrists or therapists know they exist, so it's pretty hard to get a diagnosis. Many people who have severe BFRBs have to bring the disorder's name to their psychiatrist's attention to even get them to acknowledge it. This makes it entirely more difficult to inform people that they arent crazy.

I went on to explain that Derma and Trich arent the only BFRBs. I mentioned that there are many others, including ones where you might bite your lip until its calloused, and one where you can pick your nose until it bleeds.

Somebody then asked me if the one where you pick you nose was real, saying they thought they were just gross. I immediately told them about Rhinotillexomania and they were relieved to hear they werent alone.

(They also remarked about how long the name was, but most of them have Latin roots and are very long.)

I find the fact that people dont know about these behaviors slightly infuriating. For such a long time, I thought I was alone. I thought I was creating a struggle for myself that everyone else around me was able to repress. I thought I was weak, not being able to stop myself. All of these thoughts are so unbelievably false. If you think this about yourself in any capacity, know that you are so totally wrong. You're not alone. Other people have the same struggles and obstacles as you.

I see a lot about Trich on these "Most Uncommon Human Disorders" videos, saying that it's super rare, and that like, 1 in 3 million people have it. This statistic is so off it's not even funny. Now correct me if I'm wrong, I often am, but as far as I am aware, about 1 in 30 people have a BFRB. That's so many people, so many people who might not be aware that what they're going through has a name.

I mentioned my derma once at a family gathering (dont worry it was before rona) and my aunt approached me after. She asked me really quietly, as if she were ashamed to even bring it up, if I had mentioned skin picking had a name. Dermatillomania is relatively common on her side of my family. Lots of them had it. I told her of course it does, and if she didnt remember it to text me. She sounded so uncertain, and it made me so upset, so sad, that she went more than half her life not knowing that she wasnt alone. Not knowing that she had a legitimate issue that was a struggle for her, and that it was valid.

Another thing is that people who arent informed on the topic of BFRBs think, is that it is a form of self harm. Infact, the person I was originally talking with on the group chat mentioned they had heard before that they were self harming by picking. It is not the same. They are entirely different things, but both are entirely valid struggles. I should explain the difference.

BFRBs fall on the OCD spectrum. They are behaviors that are obsessive and compulsive. They are not the same as a full Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as those are different struggles and comparing them would not work well. Many BFRBs include subconscious behaviors that one might not even realize they are performing. My don't want to hurt themselves at all. Self harm, on the other hand, is not something I am qualified to talk about, but it is intentionally done to oneself with the intention of harm.

In conclusion, this was a mess of a rant and is super disorganized.

Jk. But seriously.

People need to know about these things. They're really common and it sucks when you're confused by your own behaviors.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#bfrb awareness #bfrb #dermatillomania #excoriation disorder #trichotillomania #skin picking disorder #skin picking #rhinotillexomania #body focused repetitive behaviors

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luvdsc · 3 years ago

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my first business midterm was a success! i only got one question wrong, and same goes for the second one i just took! 😁 so crazy i feel like i just started college and now i’m about to sign up for my next classes already :’) time flies

about the boy, don’t worry. it’s been a while since i found out about it and i am okay now. tbh i’m kinda glad we didn’t become anything more because looking back on it he wasn’t even all that omg i was just blinded by my “i can fix him” mindset along with the fact he was tall 😭 making jokes about the situation with my friends really helped me overcome it. plus i don’t think i had any sadness in me left the second i saw his new girl looks like me whoops but as crazy as it sounds even though he broke my heart i still trust he won’t ever tell anyone else the personal stuff i told him when i opened up to him so there’s that 👍

on a brighter note, so the concert was actually hitc omg which is technically not a concert lol but it was easier to type it as so but ANYWAYS hitc was SOO FUN it was definitely a memory for the books. rich brian was for sure my favorite set out of all the days. i think i saw you said you went as well??! how was your experience? whose set did you like the most?

i’m actually really happy with my life rn and the friends i have who are still in it. reflecting on the past couple months and what i went through, ik everything happened for a reason and have no regrets in any of the choices i made. in the end it all taught me lessons ik i probably wouldn’t have learned otherwise. so yeah this is the most content i’ve been in a long time :)

anyways i would love to hear your thoughts on the re-recorded version of red and the 10 minute all too well mv!! what’s your favorite song from the vault? for me ive been having message in a bottle on repeat i absolutely love the nostalgic vibe the best has & the lyrics hehe reminds me a lot of summer - 💐 anon

oh my gosh, congratulations, honey bee !!!!! 🥳🥳 that’s fantastic news, you did amazing, and I’m so proud of you 🤩🤩 I bet you’re the one who’s setting the grade curve in your classes :’) best of luck with enrollment !!! 🍀 I hope you’re able to get all the classes you want, lovebug 💕 are there any that you’re excited to take next quarter?

I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and are over that boy 💞 he didn’t deserve your time, effort, and feelings anyway 🤧 tall boys really have us in their clutch huh 😔 oof we gotta stay away from those types of boys that bring out the “I can fix him” mentality - they need a therapist first before we should even consider dating them SHUSJSDK omg his new girl looks like you?? All the best to her, I hope she sees the warning signs and moves from him too rip but it’s reassuring that you know/trust him enough that he will keep your secrets 💕

OMG YOU WERE AT HITC TOO ??? WASN’T IT SO GOOD !!!!! I made new friends there, and we’re planning to meet up again there next year !! And they also live close by, so we’re gonna hang out again sometime soon too 💘 YES I also loved rich brian’s set, also the ending stage when he and warren hue performed together was amazing 🤩 I wanted to see keshi perform the most and I loved his performance the most, but they did him so dirty with his mic 😡 I’m still mad about that hdjdjdjddk and I was super excited to see dpr, niki, and saweetie !!!! 💓💓

aaaaa I’m so happy to hear that you feel this way, sweetpea 🥺💟💟💟 I feel like when you reach that stage of happiness and contentment with your life, that’s the best place to be, like I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels so wonderful to be at peace with yourself and fully enjoy and embrace where you are in your life 💛💛 I hope you continue to feel that way, lovebug 🤍✨

OH MY GOSH I AM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH RED TV 😭❤️❤️❤️ like I am still playing all too well ten min version on repeat today, and it’s been like that since Monday 🤧 ngl i cried over the all too well mv, especially the you dropped my hand scene. The age gap was just so uncomfortable to watch, but it also was portrayed so accurately and vividly, and it just felt so raw and out there. My song favorites are still treacherous and holy ground for the original tracks, but message in a bottle is my favorite vault song too !!!! 💜 I agree, it sounds so nostalgic and summery ✨ nothing new hits me hard tho 🤧 and the very first night is really pretty sounding 💓 what about you, honey bee? Which songs are your favorites? Did they change from your old favorites when the first album version came out? 🌷🌷

#asks #anonymous #💐 anon

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 4 years ago

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If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Twelve

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

May 3rd, 1993

It was Emile’s birthday, but all he could do was sit on his bed and cry. His heart hurt, because one of his friends was sick, and wasn’t getting better anytime soon. And Emile was worrying himself sick worrying over her. When there was a knock at Emile’s door he went over to open it, finding his dad on the other side. “What’s wrong, Emile?” Dad asked.

“You know what’s wrong,” Emile said. “She’s not getting better. If the fever doesn’t go down, they’re gonna take her to the hospital.”

“And she’ll get the treatment she needs there,” Dad said. “Emile, you can’t worry yourself sick over every friend you have, or you’d never feel okay.”

“But—”

“No but’s,” Dad said. “You have to be your first priority, Emile. You can’t put other people’s health over your own, not when it’ll hurt both of you in the long run.”

“She’s really sick, Dad,” Emile sniffled.

“But she’ll get better,” Dad said. “And in the meantime, you have to take care of yourself. Stop obsessing over whether or not she’ll be okay. Enjoy yourself, and don’t feel guilty for it. You should always be your first priority, Emile, never forget that.”

December 14th, 2000

Emile was working on making breakfast in the kitchen when he heard Remy stumble out of his bedroom with a groan. He inwardly shook his head with a laugh. Remy was definitely not a morning person; at least not when he stayed up late. And he didn’t know how late Remy was up last night, but judging how Remy immediately gravitated towards the coffee machine, it was a late one. “How bad?” Emile asked.

Remy grunted as he leaned against the kitchen counter, observing the coffee pot.

“Wow, that bad huh?” Emile laughed, finishing spreading cream cheese on his bagel as he moved to the refrigerator to grab some milk.

Remy didn’t acknowledge anything else until the coffee pot had finished filling with Remy’s magic elixir, at which point Remy immediately poured a cup and drank half of it in one go.

“Oh. Worse than I thought,” Emile said. “You good, Rem?”

“Mm,” Remy hummed. “Couldn’t stop thinking.”

“About?” Emile prompted.

Remy sighed, turning to the coffee pot. “Need more coffee.”

“For the conversation, or to function?” Emile asked.

“Yeah,” Remy said, pouring more coffee into his cup.

“Geez, Rem, how late did you stay up?” Emile asked.

All Emile got in response to that was a finger as Remy drained his cup of coffee. He gasped when he finally came up for air. “Okay,” Remy said. “The first buzz should be hitting shortly. Once it does, we can talk.”

“You’re a disaster, Rem,” Emile said with a shake of his head. “But yeah, I’ve only got afternoon classes today, and I haven’t heard back after my interview yet.”

Remy grunted and went to their small cupboards, looking for something to eat. Emile knew that Remy hadn’t been going to as many of his classes, especially not after midterms, in order to pick up more shifts to help pay for rent. But Emile could have sworn that sometime soon, something important was supposed to happen in one of Remy’s classes. Could that be what was keeping him up late?

Emile shook his head and walked into their small shared space in the apartment, currently being occupied by cardboard boxes to serve as a table. He sat on the floor and put his breakfast and milk on the boxes. The bedrooms had come with beds, which Emile was thankful for, but he wished that the entire apartment had come furnished, sometimes, even if it would have been more expensive. Sitting on the floor all the time just wasn’t gonna cut it.

Remy collapsed on the floor next to him, stuffing a granola bar in his mouth. Emile tried to brush Remy’s hair with his fingers, but Remy had so many cowlicks it wasn’t even funny. Emile wondered how much hair gel Remy used to keep his hair in place on bad hair days like these.

When Remy swallowed the last of the granola bar, he kept his eyes trained on the table as he said, “I was up until almost four in the morning.”

“I...why?!” Emile asked. “It wasn’t for classes, was it?”

Remy shook his head. “I just...couldn’t sleep. I don’t really know what I was feeling, but it wasn’t pleasant.”

“Were you happy? Sad? Angry? Confused?” Emile gently asked.

“All of those, save happy, rolled into one, I guess,” Remy said, brows knitting together, even though all the while he never looked at Emile. “I just...couldn’t stop thinking. About last night.”

“About therapy?” Emile asked. “Because if you don’t think that Kim is a good fit, we can find someone else...”

“Not about therapy,” Remy said. “I couldn’t stop thinking about...about...how you said...said that I...hurt you.”

Emile blinked. He couldn’t think of anything to say, really. He had told the truth, and he knew Remy hated it when he sugarcoated things. But clearly, this was affecting Remy differently. And judging by the way Remy couldn’t even look Emile in the eye, he was pretty sure the effect was a negative one. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Remy choked on a laugh. “I thought you didn’t want to be my therapist.”

“I don’t. But I want to be your friend. And if you trust friends enough, you can tell them your secrets. You just can’t unload everything on them and expect them to magically fix it,” Emile said. “So. I’ll ask you again. Do you want to talk about it?”

“...I cried,” Remy admitted. “I’ve been crying a lot lately, and I don’t know where it’s come from. The last time I cried like I did last night, I was in the ninth grade and someone who I thought was my best friend exposed me to the whole school for brownie points from the popular kids. I felt the same level of hurt as I did then. But...the hurt wasn’t directed at you.”

Emile frowned. “Who or what was it directed at?”

“Myself,” Remy said. “I just...I got so angry with myself, because the last thing in the world I wanted to do was...was hurt you. You’re my best friend. I hadn’t had a best friend in years, unless you count Toby, and neither of us were very touchy-feely, even then. And then I got sad, because I had done all of this, and you never spoke up about it. And what if that meant I made it feel like you couldn’t speak up about it? I’d played off hurt as a joke one too many times before, you wouldn’t know that I had realized that was wrong unless I genuinely apologized and told you I realized it was wrong. And! On top of that! I was super confused, because why should I care, right? The whole point of me pushing everyone away was that I didn’t care. But I realized last night...I do care.

“I care about you, and I care about your friends, and in order to convince myself I don’t care, I make them hate me so caring about them feels pointless. But it doesn’t work. And...and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but at least right now, I do need a therapist. Like, don’t get me wrong. I don’t like shrinks. I get uneasy when someone literally has been trained to pick your brain apart, but I need that as part of my support, and I need support beyond you and the therapist, too, because I only see her once a week, maybe, and I can’t just go to you the rest of the time, because I don’t want you to burn out, and I realized I need to have some of my own friends, even if they’re also your friends, because they could be part of a support network too, and obviously I can help them, friendship isn’t just a one way street, right? And I mean—”

Emile cut Remy off with a hand over his mouth. “Remy, slow down, I can barely understand you when you’re talking that fast. And please, end your sentences with a period once in a while, you need to breathe.”

Remy stopped mumbling into Emile’s hand and Emile let his hand drop. Remy took a deep breath. “I...I really don’t want to hurt you, Emile. And I’m super sorry that I did. And...I’m willing to do what it takes to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”

Emile sat there in silent shock. Clearly, he had misjudged how much progress Remy had made over the past couple months. He genuinely cared about Emile. And while he might not care for others, not yet, he wanted to learn. And Emile felt a swell of affection and pride at that realization. “It won’t be easy,” Emile warned. “If you want me to call you out whenever you make a bad comment, it’ll happen frequently, possibly enough for you to get defensive. The key is to put that defensiveness aside and listen to what the other person is telling you, when they say that behavior is unacceptable.”

“Yeah...I...I figured. I’m not exactly good at reading a room, unless it’s to figure out how to make people hate me,” Remy said, scratching the back of his neck.

“And you’re willing to put in the work to change that? You genuinely want this?” Emile asked.

“I...yeah. I want to have friends again,” Remy’s voice was small, and soft, and fragile, and it broke Emile’s heart to hear it.

“Good. Then I can be your tutor,” Emile said. “We can hang out on campus if you want, or drive around town, or do whatever. But know that if you do something that I don’t think is kind, I’ll call you out. In front of whoever’s there. Not to shame you, but so you know that isn’t okay, and the people around you know you’re trying to learn.”

Remy nodded. “I don’t like the thought of that,” he admitted. “But if that’s what I need to do to get better, then I’ll do it.”

The swell of affection hadn’t dimmed in Emile’s chest any, and he smiled softly at Remy. “Thank you for being willing to try,” he said. “I know you won’t know how to do everything right off the bat, and I’m willing to go over things with you if you need or want an explanation. But the fact that you’re trying at all is a good sign. I’m proud of you for that.”

Remy’s eyes widened and they snapped up to meet Emile’s gaze. “You’re...what?” he asked softly.

“I’m proud of you,” Emile said. “Haven’t you ever had someone be proud of you before?”

“Maybe when I was really little,” Remy said. “Never once I grew past, like, seven. No one ever told me they were proud of me, unless I asked, and even then, it felt forced, or like they didn’t want me to prompt them.”

“You know, there are days where I’d love to strangle a majority of your family,” Emile said matter-of-factly.

Remy blinked. “That may be the first aggressive thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“And what’s more, it’s true,” Emile said with a bitter smile. He stood. “I’m getting dressed, and when I’m done and you’re out of your pajamas, we can figure out what to do today, sound good?”

“Don’t you have DnD tonight?” Remy asked.

“That’s tonight,” Emile said. “I’m free until my afternoon classes. And after that, we can always have dinner together.”

Remy did a double take. “You know, you keep talking like that, people will start to think that we’re dating,” he said.

Emile shrugged. “Eh, I don’t have a problem with people knowing I’m bisexual. You don’t seem to have a problem with people knowing you’re gay. If people ask if we’re dating, we can just be honest and say no. Unless, of course, you need to get any creeps off your back, in which case I will happily play your fake boyfriend until they leave.”

“You’re too good to have me as your friend,” Remy said, waving Emile off to his room. “I don’t know why you chose me as a friend, but I’m glad you did.”

“Me too,” Emile said with a smile, going to his room and getting dressed.

As he picked out what shirt he wanted to wear, he was left wondering why Remy brought that up. Having dinner together was something friends did all the time. And it wasn’t like that phrasing was dating-exclusive. He didn’t understand why Remy felt that needed to be pointed out. Who cared if people thought they were together? So long as Emile and Remy knew the truth and no one tried to hurt them, where was the harm in it?

“One of life’s greatest mysteries,” Emile chuckled to himself. “The enigma that is Remy Picani, with his best friend Emile Thomas.”

In all seriousness, though, he did wonder. He wouldn’t ask Remy about that right away, not after Remy had opened up to him so much already this morning. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Maybe another day, he decided. He walked out of his room to find Remy wearing that same leather jacket he had gotten recently and refused to take off whenever they went out. Emile laughed. “Where to?” he asked.

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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a-real-ackerman · 4 years ago

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Perfect Scenario

Sherlock Fanfic

summary: You, a super human, an excellent actor and a liar with debatable ethics; are having a hard time overcoming feelings no one new you were capable of. On top of it, you have to deal with your “arch enemy” who has dedicated himself on the way of ruining your chances at your new life.

pairing: Sherlock x superhuman!Reader

warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of suicide, violence, language and horrible mistakes... I dunno, I will write a current warning in red on every chapter.

A/N: Even tho I think Sherlock as an asexual character or not interested etc, I find working with well-known characters and less OC’s quite useful. Also, I see a lot of me in him so I will be writing about him more. Also, the reader is female. Also, gifs are never mine, all credits for those talented people. By the way, in case you see my mistakes don’t be shy, let me know! I am trying to improve my English.

Chapter One: “Trembling Hands.”

“You don’t know who you are, unlike me.” was written on the card you recently received. Menacing words written in an elegant handwriting, appeared by your window, every morning since last Friday. there you stood by your counter, your e/c eyes wandering over the same simple words again and again, in a hopeless struggle to find any clues. You did not know what they wanted or cared about; what part of you they assumed they knew? Your super powers? Your business? Your therapist? Your past? Your parents’ death? All the lies you have been telling whole the time?

What you could analyse from each of these notes were the fact that they actually new about you. The words they choose were written in a friendly manner which told you that even tho you have never met them, they knew enough to consider themselves close to you.

You had a few assumptions on who they could be:

A secret admirer, in a sense, stalker

A conspiracy theorist who have witnessed your... condition?

One of the investigator who had researched you in your teens

Jimmy

No matter which one they were,(more likely to be a he), he was a stalker. You did not like stalkers. But you were interested in this one’s motive. You wanted to beat their game before they could put their filthy obsessive hands on your very new and clean life.

Hopping off the counter, you rushed into the living room and put the card on the brown coffee stand in the middle of the room, right next to others. Walking trough cold blue walls of you flat, you kept mentally checking the places you usually control, in case there were cameras. You were going to take a shower after all.

“I have to ask him first,” said the man on the line, Holmes’ face shot a fake kind smile as he was face to face with the doctor. “ tell my brother I said hi.”

Doctor threw a look at the phone in disbelief as Holmes hang up the phone. Sherlock was not in his mood for a new case. Especially not a case from his brother, which involves scammers, government, some mafia and a class action lawsuit that could bring them a big amount of money. The detective was too busy in his mind palace.

John entered the flat and found his flatmate already waiting for him, sat on his chair with hands in praying position, eyes boring into him like he’s trying to ask something.

Uncomfortable under the gaze, “Yes, Sherlock ask away.” sighed John.

“John,” said Sherlock, “I have a suggestion.”

John looked at him in suspicion, his eyes narrowing.

“How about going out to see a play tonight?”

John exhaled out of surprise to his friend’s suggestion, was he asking him on a date? For a case (of course)?

“Don’t worry John, about whatever you thought of-I don’t’ prefer to vocalise it. I think we may have a new case, which includes the leading actor. She seems to play a big part in this case as much as the play. I also want to witness myself if she was as good as they talked about.”

“It’s okay, Sherlock, just for once.”

Sherlock baffled,” What do you mean by ‘just once’? This is a case just like the others, you don’t want to solve cases anymore?”

“No,” insisted John, “All I’m saying is: it’s okay to be a human just for once.It’s okay to take interest in a play, film or a person-”

“-I AM NOT INTERESTED,JOHN,”

It was too late to deny, John was already going upstairs, with a smug smirk of a self-proud mother who has just embarrassed their teenager.

You have once again saluted the audience, holding hands with your teammates. A little stronger than usual maybe, you didn’t want to throw the decors and people off the stage. Your hands were trembling more since you couldn’t stop the seconds passing; and your head got dizzier every movement, with the help of flashing stage lights. Mavis, your co-actor since high school, leaned over your ear; “You always get so excited when it ends!” she whispered without knowing anything.

You shot your perfect, warmest smile as your eyes wandered around the place in case anyone was suspicious. You locked your eyes with an awfully familiar man around your age, with curly hair falling on his forehead and eyes piercing onto you. He knew, he knew something and made it clear. He knew you.

”There she is,” you saw him whispering to his friend. You could listen to them is you focused enough, thanks to not being so human.

But you choose to not hear anything.Thanks to your instincts being quite active this afternoon, every word had felt no different than a knife stabbing her ears. All of this pain was because you couldn’t use your power today. You were a bomb waiting to explode, your hands itching to throw people to the walls and your screams desired to ruin every window in the city.

The torture soon ends, but always leaves you shaken up. You turned from the left corner of the entrance of the theatre and entered the cafe where you have tea every night after performance. You didn’t die to drink it every night actually, yet the calming mix thing of this cafe could put an angry elephant down. Naturally, you could calm down too. It eased your nerves and relaxed your muscles which helped you overcoming your power. I you didn’t bother to control your powers, let’s say, no one nearby could survive.

Whatever, you took your usual seat and smiled at the kind young waiter. You knew each other now, so you didn’t have to talk.(dreamy isn’t it? not having to talk?) You looked out of the window, watching the shiny cars passing by and colourful lights dancing. You slowly turned to the man who just sat in front of you, his arms crossed on the table and eyes gazing you in a weird expression between curious and astonished. Admiring and contemptuous. Familiar and hateful. Friendly and strange.

“I have to say I am totally astonished by your acting,” he started. You were right about astonished. You smiled firmly, just because this one was choosing his words firmly. If he is one of those creeps you would send him off. But you had to be careful these days, anyone could lead you to the stalker.

“You come here often.”

“Yes, it’s not new. Everyone who has taken interest in stalking me knows.”

He let out a chuckle which you didn’t expect to be this natural.”Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Ironic, since I have come to apologise for making you uncomfortable.”

His gaze took a lovely, apologising, soft form, which could melt your heart if you didn’t realise him checking for your expressions in between seconds. He was trying to impress you, for what?

“It’s not very comforting of you when you follow me to a cafe.”

“So it did,” he said, paying too much attention on your hands while you reached out to your tea.

“Is he bothering you miss?” asked the waiter protectively, his voice a few octave deeper than usual.

“I am fine, thank you Oscar.” you watched him walking away with a nod.”So what did what?”

“Me. Looking at you. You noticed me in hundreds of people. You saw us talking about you.”

“Please don’t start with that ‘love-at-first-sight-soulmate’ shit.”

“I was actually going to start with ‘you-somehow-know-you-are-in-danger’ shit.”

Your mouth dropped with his super sassy mic drop. You had to be clueless, oblivious and self centred now. You were a normal person now.

“Is this a threat? I am amused.” you smirked, don’t let them him the fear.

“No,” he rolled his eyes, “This is an offer.”

“I am Sherlock Holmes.”

“OH!” you relaxed, “I know you, (y/n)(s/n).” you answered shaking his hand.

"Come on, drink it. You seem to be dying for it."

You reached to the cuppa, not being able to hide your hands. As soon as this herbal smell filled your nose and followed it's way to your heart, a soft needy smile appeared on your lips. You felt your muscles getting back to normal.You opened your eyes.

"Now look," you threatened suddenly," if you are here to investigate my parents' death and sue me for it..."

He was more focused now, his gaze melted down to a more intense, even a curious one.

"I am tired. I am tired of this. For all my teenage years, my past, people defined me as a liar. So keep going, keep evoking my traumas. You won’t find what you’re looking for."

"There is a huge misunderstanding, "

He comforted you, leaning more onto the table, you almost loved this caring facade, a pair of eyes; signing no danger, no threat but just a simple caring feeling, were more than enough to let your guard down and believing someone. Just this once.

"I don't want to sue you. I offer you my help. Someone has opened your case again."

This was too much for you, with all energy trapped in your body your heart started to ache, your hands trembling in a way no one could stop.

"Trembling hands."

"What?"

"Show them."

You obeyed, held them up in front of him.

"I thought tea would help you."

"It does. When no one triggers me."

"Everything could trigger you. You live alone in the house your very own parents committed suicide. You don't even have pets which is surprising because you love animals, judging by a different cat and dog fur on your pants, coat, jumper, pretty much everywhere. You also have been avoiding your therapist, judging by the notification sound that you didn't answer after seeing the name. And no, it can not be your lover because you are alone live alone and have no attempt on your physical self-care, in addition, the cafe you go nearly every day or your friend group doesn't look for someone else after you arrive on your own. But those are not clear assumptions, knowing what your parents like is enough to assume you prefer to be single. You are alone for a reason. You think you’re dangerous.

So you live alone, have no one, and Scotland Yard is investigating you. You get stalked and for a reason, you always stay sharp and have a very defensive observant personality.

You are interesting enough for me. I will take your case."

"Is this a nerd way of asking for my number? If it is I will say yes."

"No, it's better, it is a smart way to interest you."

" What for? Why will you help me?"

" Because there is a game waiting for me,” he sighed, “and I am bored."

"Fine, this is my number here-"

"I already have it!"

Then he rushed out, putting his collars up, ruffling his hair.

A/N: I want to thank @fanfictionislovefanfictioni-blog for the request!

#bbc sherlock #Sherlock Holmes #john watson #johnlock #reader insert #reader x sherlock #jim moriarty #murder #slowburn #slowburn romance #fanfiction #sherlock x reader #sherlock fanfiction #moftiss #this is my first fic

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truethingsiwishicouldsay · 5 years ago

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*sigh*

My guy’s best friend is basically a mostly-non-asshole version of a neckbeard. He’s neurotypical, but is incredibly socially awkward in that “I don’t know when I’m making everyone uncomfortable because I’m genuinely not paying any attention” sort of way. His troubling behavior isn’t enough for us to cut him off, but they have forced us to call him on it multiple times so he’ll get his shit under better control. Examples:

Over 50 but staaaaaares at girls just out of their teens until we have to confront him about it

Obsessed with hentai, genderbend web comics, unsettling assbaby/genderbend/dubcon fanfics, and furry porn, all of which he’s constantly bombarding us with links to

Neglects things like bathing and grooming until he looks like a hairy greaseball

Constantly lets toxic people latch onto him, then sides with them when we try to point out why he should flee from their criminal dumpster-fire asses

Refuses to get treatment or do anything about his depression even though treatment would be completely free for him

Spent four years trying to use me as his therapist and flipped out when I told him that enough was enough and that his insurance would fully cover an actual professional

Has driven away some of our other friends with his behavior to the point where we can’t invite him to group events

Basically, a slightly more whiny, creepy and unwashed version of Bill Daughtry from King of the Hill.

He is now in his mid fifties and has decided that, since he’s a bottom, likes genderbend media and cooking, and keeps being manipulated by the trans FELON who lives downstairs, that he must be a trans woman. That all his misery, which is largely self-inflicted or because of neglected health issues, is actually the result of unacknowledged womanhood.

This is not going to end well.

He’s taking the combined pain of social ostracism due to selfish obliviousness, of self-neglect, of life not being like his fantasies, and of constantly being conned by TERRIBLE “friends” who zero in on his vulnerabilities, and deciding to blame all of it on dysphoria. He’s convincing himself that transitioning will somehow solve all his problems. And if he goes through with it and then it doesn’t, which it won’t, he may kill himself.

Now keep in mind, he’s constantly trying to dump his emotional shit on me, so I’ve got a front and center seat to this trainwreck. I have tried to explain to him that he needs to talk to an actual therapist about this situation, but he would rather listen to the advice of the neighbor, who literally went to jail for ripping people off and is constantly “borrowing money”.

The neighbor, who came out as trans in jail (of course), is super-manipulative and controlling and has a violent temper, literally won’t leave our friend alone. She love-bombs, she crosses boundaries constantly--she basically acts like a cult member looking for new recruits. He’s in an affordable housing unit so moving is difficult, and he won’t shut her out anyway because he loves any attention that he doesn’t have to work for or reciprocate.

And I have no doubt that he wouldn’t be turning into another middle-aged, white, computer-nerdy self-ident trainwreck if he wasn’t being aggressively recruited by a literal criminal who went to jail for manipulating people. I have no doubt that if he had a good therapist and this leech hadn’t latched onto him, he would have made his peace with being slightly GNC and gone on with his life.

Instead, he’s bugging an almost completely GNC autistic woman for tips on being more “womanly”, only to be mystified when I tell him that I consider gender roles to be bullshit in the first place and don’t care about conforming to them. The oblivious fuck has known me for fifteen years, yet somehow he never noticed that I don’t wear makeup, heels or jewelry. Now he wants tips on wearing them. From me. Because I’m a woman, and must somehow magically know about all that shit.

He asked me earlier today if I was actually a closeted trans man, and I wanted to fucking punch him. This gender nonsense is out of control. I have heard it called the “trans cult” before, and I think that’s about three steps too far...

...but there are in fact trans people who treat it like a cult, and who are actively recruiting vulnerable people for that cult. And our poor, stupid friend, who listens to criminals over his oldest and closest friends, may be next.

#transactivism gone wrong #trans cult #gnc is not trans #gender nonsense #dangit Bill

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thepolycats · 8 years ago

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#i told my therapist today that about the fact that i get super obsessed with things for really concentrated periods #and then essentially suck the life outta it and move on to something else in a couple months time #and that its been going on since i was four #and she just laughed and was like 'its good to be passionate about things'#which really bugged me bc yeah #i guess that's true #but i find it so irritating i feel compelled to find out everything there is to know about this one 'thing'#and for ages its the only thing i can rly think abt? and know how to talk about #and i cant focus on anything else and it annoys the crap outta everyone around me askaksk #in case u didnt know #rn its rd #lots of tags #sorry #i just find it irritating bc ppl think im just 'being extra' no i literally cannot focus on anything else ok #idk why im even posting this on here but its almost 1am and im still iffy about it

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lostinathoughtonceagain · 5 years ago

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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.

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haleighdennis · 5 years ago

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Petscop Scared Me. Here’s Why…

At this creepy time of year I made it my business to research and create some creepy artwork inspired by games such as #bendyandtheinkmachine

View my Insta for art-related content: https://www.instagram.com/dennis.haleigh/

I had never really been interested in the #horror genre before, and #bendy was a flippin’ good game to start with. I strongly recommend it. (Bonus points if you watch #razzbowski ‘s lets play. Super, super entertaining.)

After learning about bendy, I wanted to research some more of that scary goodness, but honestly, I can’t handle gore or gross stuff. I figured, if I stuck to the cartoon-y stuff, I wouldn’t be scared crapless.

I don’t think I could have gotten things more backwards. I couldn’t stand #fnaf for instance. Too scary.

Jeez. Who’d-a thought!?!?!?!?!??????????

Then, I dug into #dokidokiliteratureclub and its various mods. Big mistake.

THEN I heard that if you like #dokidoki you should check out [insert various other foreign and obscure meta game titles here]. These effectively terrified me. But there was something wrong with my fears. They were just that – fears of the “what if,” with no real grounding in reality.

“What if my stuffed animals are evil?” A question I hadn’t seriously considered since watching Toy Story 2 in elementary school.

“What if cartoons are out to get us?”

And worst of all: “What if game characters can manipulate the world around me?”

Studying game lore led me to creepypasta, which is by far some of the most baseless fearmongering, jumpscare-driven clickbait that exists on the internet. Also some of the finest entertainment for those such as myself who astonishingly lead dull lives in the real world.

Studying the creepy led me to discover a deep dark secret of moviemaking, gaming and creative industries in general: turns out, my darkest fears were true. Entertainment has the ability reach directly out of our screens – be they VR headsets, phones, computers or TVs – and effect the real world. Your drawings can peel off of their paper and effect the environment around you.

Don’t believe me? Well today, grasshopper, I want to talk about #petscop

I would strongly recommend viewing this series if you are 13+ and like a good scare (warnings for language and disturbing content). If you’re like me and you want to explore the lore and the alleged basis of media, Petscop is richer than deep dark hot chocolate and an engaging book by the campfire in the dead of winter.

There’s one catch: The alleged basis in reality I referenced above will make your blood run cold, not due to a well-placed jumpscare or frightening imagery, but because the game forces you to do the following:

1) Look beyond the game

2) Look past yourself

3) Challenge yourself

Seriously. That’s the scary part. Allow me to explain…

****MILD SPOILERS FOR PETSCOP BELOW****

The “dark secret” of Petscop is that this series that looks cute on the surface is really a cautionary tale about #childabuseawareness (#abuseawareness ). The fictional player in Petscop accumulates information over time relating to several cases of abuse and murder. The player is shocked by what he learns and sees. Some internet theorists assume that the entire game of Petscop is supposed to demonstrate an #AI training ground, where an unknown individual is attempting to re-create the scenarios surrounding these deaths of various children. Play testers like our fictional guide are AIs involved in this experiment.

In fact, the truth is, the characters in this goofy game has a life outside of their code. And, no, I’m not talking about creepypasta Sonic.exe materializing as a plushie to kill you dead.

I’m talking about references within the game to real child abuse and murder. It’s not a pretty thing to research. Oh. You thought you’d just come for a quick scare and then you’d be merrily on your way? Fat chance. Turns out, there is heavy implication suggesting that Petscop was created as more than just another creepypasta clickbait thrillride. It actually tries its best to make its viewers *over-dramatic gasp* think.

How does it do this, you ask? By alluding strongly to a true story about a young girl who was abused and murdered by her adopted parent and several “therapists” and “professionals.” This was all part of a shockingly vain (and I mean doomed from the start) attempt to make the child feel natural love her new mother. When the girl reacted like anyone would to blatant abuse and bullying, she was murdered in cold blood. I won’t post the full story here cause its some heavy stuff, but see the below links if you want to learn more. WARNING: disturbing content. 13+ only please.

Game Theory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC88jsc-wpg

ADVOTI: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrODA-ybqdE

No, I don’t think I’ll be watching a Let’s Play of #thebindingofisaac any time. Ever.

Now, I look back on ALL the above-mentioned fear-filled games and can’t help but thinking that they are dealing with serious topics a bit too lightly. Don’t’ get me wrong. No one is going to blame you for enjoying some haunted fun this #halloween but I would ask you to consider – and remember – the truehorror stories of our age. Be solemn for those who have suffered and pray fervently for those who inflict the suffering (forgiveness and second-chances are not always a popular opinion, but hey). Pray for those who have a duty to pass judgement – that they would help make wrongs right – and that the stories would of victims be told and paid attention to with the same viral awareness of the poor-audio, one-off indie art project that viewers of Petscop have become obsessed with.

And, most of all, don’t dwell in the dark. With #Christmas and #Thanksgiving just around the corner. Make a change in yourself. Reach out. Become that stereotypical charitable little old lady who encourages the downtrodden, picks up the fallen and loves the lost ones of this world. Who knows? You, dear reader, may have been lost on your journey once upon a time. Can you remember who came alongside and helped you? No? News flash: we all need someone like that at some point in our lives. The meaning of life is to be that person constantly. It’s not easy. It’s not always fun. But it has its rewards.

And if you are of religious conviction like myself, your love and kindness – choosing to forgive vs. hold a grudge; offering a smile instead of being just another frown – has an eternal impact because 1) right and wrong exist, 2) God exists and 3) the people you interact with will literally exist forever.

BRB ya’ll. I need to check out another horror game.

#adoption #fostersystem

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sylferino · 5 years ago

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🐸 50 QUESTIONS TAGS 🐸

tagged by @onaji-yume

1. What takes up too much of your time? honestly? tumblr

2. What makes your day better? sweets and relaxation.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? today is the first day of classes, so probably the fact that both of my classes seem doable and i have a friend in one of them

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? polnareffland

5. Are you good at giving advice? yes! and i love giving people advice!

6. Do you have a mental illness? yeah baby, in fact my doctor gave me one of those doctor tests for bpd but i dont think i have it. though i might have others im not diagnosed in

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no thank good, that shit sound scary

8. What musician inspires you the most? fumika

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yeah i think i have

10. What’s your dream date? a hangout so normal and ordinary that none of us realize its a date

11. What do others notice about you? this question is the source of so much of my anxiety LMAO

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? i clip my nails obsessively. ive always been obsessed with like grooming my nails, for as long as i remember, ive never had long nails :/

13. Do you still talk to your first love? i dont know who my first love is

14. How many exes do you have? one

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i, a shuffle all kinda bitch, have 273 songs on my phone

16. What instruments can you play? none!!!!! i dont understand music

17. What do you have the most pictures of? i have so many pictures of fumika. thousands...... like well over 20gb of pictures of her....

18. Where would you like to go before you die? mojave desert, japan, iceland, nd rural russia probably

19. What’s your zodiac? aquarius

20. Do you relate to it? no? i dont know how aquariuses are supposed to be

21. What is happiness to you? fulfillment

22. Are you going through anything right now? haghaghhgahhg yeah

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? i dont know? theres not much that keeps me up at night thats not the fearful anticipation of the future. like what if i did this instead of that back then? no use in thinking about how the past could have changed unless youre thinking about the future. biologically, you only remember the past to help you make better decisions in the future.

24. What’s your favorite store? hhhngghgnhn grocery store

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no

27. Do you have a favorite album? n/a

28. What do you want for your birthday? unrealistically? new computer/computer parts. realistically? new headset

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? people always used to think i was scary but i hope thats not that case anymore. i hope they think im kind but dont take any shit. also that im not straight

30. What age do you seem according to most people? not sure, but probably older. never mind i just asked my friend and they said 6. so i guess im 6

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? next to my head to MAKE SURE i can hear the alarm

32. What word do you say the most? dope prolly

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25, but thats generalizing

34. What’s the youngest you would date? 19 or 18, which is only one/two years younger, but i definitely wouldnt date anyone under 18

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? ive like only been told id be a good therapist because i like listening to peoples problems. but people always say im very creative so i’ll take that as them saying id be a good artist.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? im not super into music but i guess rock

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i literally have no answer for this. i have no idea

38. What is your current favorite song? iunno

39. How long have you had this blog for? 2013? iirc

40. What are you excited for? thursday, so i can go home after the first week of school

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. i suck shit at talking

42. What was the last productive thing you did? went to class?

43. What do you want for Christmas? see: number 28

44. What class do you get the best grades in? art lol. even now in college my best grades are in arts, my major.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 5. could be worse

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? 2029 doesnt seem like a real year but i’ll humor you. i have no plans but hopefully i’ll be making decent money from a masters degree in sculpture. i mean hopefully hopefully we’d all have toppled the united states and im welding metal parts onto random pieces in a factory line but like whatever right?

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? rip to you but im different

48. What age do you want to get married? when im ready

49. What career did you want to have as a child? artist! then i learned about capitalism and didnt want to be an artist anymore. then i stopped caring

50. What do you crave right now? solitude

im tagging @expcake @boxinc @sm980 @kisamas AND any of my other mutuals ;) youre encouraged to do this. but if you dont want to, dont worry about it

#thank you for tagging me in this is was a good way to spend some time :)

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alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog · 6 years ago

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Unapologetic - Confessions of an Imperfect Human

It is unpleasant and disturbing to be rejected. It is deeply satisfying to be accepted – Stephen Covey

That word “validation” has become so tainted for me, reminding me of my obsessive need to feel secure in my decisions both personally and professionally, a year ago I would have told you that all I wanted were for people to like me, that growing up in the light leaves you desperate to always be the best, to make people aware of what meals were brought to the table, A year ago I would have told you that every move I made was dictated by people I trust edand someone who never had any good intentions for me at all – but as he was my superior, the person who held my professional growth in his hands- I wanted his approval – and with that came the desperate need to make someone else happy, even when it didn’t feel right for me and for that the word validation became tainted, it became an addiction and I quickly developed the need for more, I wanted to know that I was doing a good job and that all the work I had been putting in was paying off, not even realizing that my entire decision making abilities were taken over by my need for approval by others- I sacrificed my own ambitions and life to have the approval of someone that in the end, their approval and validation meant Shit!! And you can argue that you are not part of the 100% of man kind that has asked to be validated in some way- but reality is there are common behaviours which we all fail to recognize as approval seeking. Sometimes these behaviours are used as tactical compromise to maybe keep the peace or maybe the situation is really not that important to you – you still don’t believe me…allow me to list 5 and tell me how many you are guilty of –

- Changing or softening your position because someone appears to disapprove.

- Paying insincere compliments to gain approval

- Feeling upset, worried or insulted when someone disagrees with you

- Expressing agreement (verbally or non-verbally) when you do not agree

- Doing something that you do not want to do because you are afraid to say NO!

Guilty Guilty Guilty…

Let’s try 5 more…

- Failing to complain when you have received poor service, or a product not fit for purpose

- Spreading bad news and gossip to gain attention

- Asking permission when it is not required

- Pretending to be knowledgeable or an authority on a subject because you are afraid to admit that there is something you do not know

- Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments and/or getting upset when they fail to do so

Ladies, we ask for validation when we go shopping with our friends and come out to show them or take a selfie to send to them to help us decide, recording artists seek validation when they put their music out there by having listening parties and sending teasers out to radio stations- and parents question their own decisions when it comes to situations regarding their kids so they turn to facebook groups that are made up of thousands of strangers who all have their own opinions on what is considered norm for raising children these days and we think that those are the people qualified to co-parent our children so here we are -all guilty of it- all trying to get the same thing from one person or another- Validation- and yet we think that we shouldn’t seek it because maybe we are considered to be self centered, or self absorbed or maybe simply seeking it leaves us vulnerable to outsiders trying to change our behaviour to favour their needs…my therapist however has convinced me to perceive the word differently –

To break down what the word actually means -

1. the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

2. the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

3. recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

In this case all 3 are the same for me – I received some incredible news last week and when my therapist asked me how I felt about it I took a deep breath, sighed and said “validated, which is terrible to say-but exactly how I feel” Puzzled with my answer, she went on to ask why I thought it was “terrible” for me to feel validated and without hesitating I said “because that word is tainted for me” and she asked me to explain-

“you see Susan, taking a stand against sexual harassment, putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable, open and raw should feel “terrible” and hearing the things people had to say about me was draining and it made me question everything, I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong, how this all happened- replaying it over and over so much so that that terrible feeling almost became a part of me - but when I got that letter I felt (as I took a deep breathe) “validated” considering for the past few months I’ve been told I needed to be quiet and knowing that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen next scared me so I did exactly what society told me to do- Change but now for the first time since having come out about “Surviving Wall street” someone heard me and it was finally being taking seriously, it feels amazing to have some control back because for the past year I have had none, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster”…and I went on to tell her that for the first time in 6 months, I slept!

And she just smiled at me – and we sat there quiet for a minute and she made me realize there is a human need to feel validated, that we are pre-disposed to it, because as we’ve grown up we were taught that our feelings should be validated, our dreams encouraged and sought after, our actions whether it be at the office or at home acknowledged not for what you can get in return but for the effort that was put forward in general – it isn’t what we are asking to be validated for that should change, it’s WHO we seek validation from that should change- as CEO of your own life you should be the only person who can validate your emotional well being maybe then we will no longer feel the need to seek validation from men, or our bosses or coworkers or even the random people we see on a day to day basis… We were taught as children that a man can either make us or break us and somewhere down the road that conversation started to change and it wasn’t until recently that women have realized that they don’t need to be validated by any one person and in fact, peoples opinions mean nothing!

I am not even kidding, since the beginning of time (my time, lol) I can remember us (women) altering our behaviour to seek the validation of a man…and how we continue to do it well into adulthood, parenting and so much more- maybe without even realizing it or maybe for reasons we are yet to understand. I am thinking about the women who are going out this week and trying on new shirts for the occasion, desperate to put forth the best first impression - failing to realize that underneath that perfectly applied make up and brand new shirt that she is probably never going to wear again is a down to earth, confident girl who just needs to throw her hair in a pony tail and just be herself – because at the end of the day her personality is her best asset (and you can look super cute in work out clothes too)

Or me, for example- the mama who calls on the 3 strongest and most fierce women I know when I feel the need to be validated - I call my mom when I need my mom (which is almost everyday lol) but when I wanted to file with Human rights my mom was right by my side and when I need that level headed person to talk me out of something - I call my sister because she always gives the best advice and when I need someone to rally with me because my own kid needs to be validated I call my mother in law because without a doubt she always has my back! But without those 3 women I would be left questioning my every move as parent- especially with so many parenting opinions out there these days from breast feeding to circumcision to even how we educate our children- you cannot make a move without the whole world watching, and when the whole world is watching you become terrified to actually be ourselves out of fear someone might have something to say again not only when it comes to being a mama but being a wife or even a woman in general, it’s ridiculous how we change our behaviour, how we adapt our mannerisms, our appearances and our thinking to fit the social norms of today and how we are left with watered down and filtered versions of ourselves- manufactured to fit other people’s needs.

I posted a photo the other day with the caption “Andrea said “just fucking post it, because you look bomb” -I really struggled with making the decision to post it so much so that I stopped myself a few times from making it public, but to be honest I really needed her to say that (not only as a friend but a mama and wife as well) and so within a few minutes of her “validating” my desire to post it, I posted it and while It was the first time I posted something that showed a little more skin (classic sports bra and underwear) it felt empowering and it was no longer a scary thing - I have always been confident enough in my body to show it off “curves for days” as I am told, something I have always been super embarrassed about and ashamed of but this photo was different, this photo made it clear that I have learned to embrace every so called flaw – it showed off how much progress I’ve made both physically and mentally and in one picture you could tell I how much I love my body just the way it was and my husband certainly didn’t have a problem with it being posted (you’re fucking hot” he said lol) The reason I was against originally posting it was simply because it was not “socially acceptable” for me to post something with that much skin (when I am a mom and a wife) even though my bathing suit is considered perfectly acceptable to be photographed in. This goes back to all 10 of those unconscious approval seeking traits that I mentioned earlier, in that moment of self doubt I was guilty of ALL of them and I felt more concerned with people’s opinions of me. “I can’t post that Andrea, do you know how much shit people are going to talk, the disgusting messages I am going to get” all I could think about was that my bother in law follows me, my 15 year old nephew, a few students from work have found their way over to my page and I know that given my circumstances where my desperate need to be liked has landed me in position that is not ideal, I was worried about how it was all going to be perceived…

”She only posted that for attention”

"She just wants the likes”

“Wow, I can’t believe she just posted that”

Before it was even made public I felt ashamed of my body, ashamed of how proud I was for how far I’ve come, ashamed that I wanted to show it off because lets remember just wearing pants with holes in them was seen as an invitation for unwanted sexual advances and I couldn’t imagine the comments I was going to get with that photo being posted-because from my experience, men cannot seem to keep their desires to themselves (even when they legally need to) but let me tell you something- among a few gross and now blocked messages- there were some incredible comments that just made my heart so full and reminded me that my social media is not for anyone else but me and that Andrea was right, I did look bomb and I knew that- and that was actually the only validation that I needed in that moment, the confidence I had to wear that proud - I needed a reminder that you all are guests on my page and have chosen to come there, to follow me and in the end I need to be proud of the content that I decided to put out there that I had control of the message that I was sending to women- so I wanted to share a few of those incredibly kind messages that were sent to me in hopes that you all realize that validation does not need to be tainted- if used correctly “validation” can be inspiring as well.

“You’ve come such a long way since I first met you Jenna, the most important thing was with then and now, you’re smile. Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re amazing..never forget that” – T

“I have been watching your journey for a while and you are inspiration, keep going.”

“you look amazing girl! How much weight have you lost? Keep killing it”

“Girl, you look mint. Soak up all the good feels, you deserve them”

“You look amazing Jenna!! I’m so jealous. How do you manage to look toned and fit and still look thick (in a good way) you’re body is my dream girl”

As I said earlier, there is a message here…. We do not need be ashamed of our bodies, we do not need to be ashamed of being proud of them, we do not need to be ashamed of wanting to show them off and we should be allowed to do that. 90% of the comments (and somewhat dirty comments/messages) were from the women who felt inspired by what I had posted- who made me feel amazing in my own skin- who “Validated” my desire to post that photo- I have been working non-stop these past few months on personal growth, I have taken time off, started meditating, started therapy and grew (and shrank lol) in so many ways… It has been a roller coaster of emotions lately, all for many different reasons but when another woman takes the time out of her day to leave a comment as simple and as beautiful as

“Your confidence is radiant”

Then you can’t help but feel confident, and radiant and like you can take on the world (or a person) without feeling guilty of wanting recognition for it - just make sure it is from the right people, seeking validation from the wrong person or even social media can lead to destructive behaviour even without us realizing we are doing it! And something else to remember – women stand taller when they build one another up- so be a fucking pineapple and stand tall baby- women supporting women is a whole new way of life!

#beapinapple

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deeduranlive · 7 years ago

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Back in 2015 (shortly after having my child in the Summer 2014) i was super lean, cut, "in shape", but i WAS NOT in shape-- i was #sickaf In fact, i was dying inside. My husband had left me a year before then (at the end of my pregnancy), i was unemployed, literally disabled due to several conditions, i was not done with my licensing hours (residency) to become a licensed therapist which meant the only way i knew to make money was put on hold, i was heartbroken, and had #postpartumdepression #anxiety and #chronicpain . I was surviving, fighting for my life every single day, minute by minute. I chose to workout and eat differently. I was told and i also tell clients that adding these changes are game changers-- and they certainly are with the RIGHT #intentions. My workout routine consisted of #HIITrunning about 2-3 miles 5xweek then coming home to do heavy, heavy #weightlifting-- by myself, (which eventually caused a back injury and my routine came to a forced halt). When id run back then, id obsess and fixate heavily on what i did wrong, how i caused my situation somehow and how i was unworthy of love.. i also obsessed on getting my husband back... it never happened btw. However, i became a picture of #healh and #fitness on the outside.. at one point i had a ridiculous amount of followers... but it was all a #lie My life was a sham and i knew it. Today (the 3rd pic), i may not be physically in the shape i was in before, but mentally, i am in a good place-- and growing and striving for more every day. I have relearned to do everything with the right intentions. I have chosen to focus on my #mindwellness and the relationship with my daughter. Everything else is currently accessorial. I am slowly getting back into heavy lifting and being much more #mindful about my body and my mood while i workout. It is a work in progress. Today i am #happy . I hope my story inspires you. Thank you for reading. #throwbackthursday #reflection #dailyinspiration #mindfulness #mindgains #gains #fitgirl #fitmom #mindwellness #rightfocus #focus #intention #selflove #mentalhealth #bodypositive #ddben #lmft #ocmindwellness

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theoldestofthettails · 6 years ago

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The Victim

I had a very hard therapy session today. And I don’t know how to process it exactly, so I’m going to write about it.

I was abused. I was abused for 2 years by a man that I loved and who swore loved me. And while yes, I casually mention his “abusive behavior,” I have never really sat with the fact that I. Was. Abused. I was a victim. I was a victim of abuse.

And that part is really hard for me to deal with. Because I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want that to be a part of my narrative. And it isn’t just the last two and a half years of my life. I was a victim in my childhood. And I was a victim in my young adulthood. And that is hard for me to swallow because I think so much of myself as a strong, independent, resilient person. And the victim narrative doesn’t exactly fit with that.

But my therapist did make the important point that though “victim” may define parts of my past, it doesn’t need to define my future. And that’s super important. But it’s really frustrating that I have no control over my past. Not in the sense that I can’t change the past (none of us can), but that while I was victimized, I had no control over the situation to change it. And then my therapist reminded me of the serenity prayer haha. That attempting to control things that are out of my control will only drive me insane. So moot point.

My therapist also told me my ex was sick. She told me that she feels he is beyond help and the only thing I can do in this situation is stay as far away from him as I can. And that made my heart ache, because despite all of the bullshit and abuse, I still care for him. And I want him to be a better person. I want him to grow and experience happiness and love and fulfillment. But she believes those things aren’t in his future. And I don’t know how to feel about that information.

Once upon a time, before we were officially together, we were sleeping together for a couple months. I asked him repeatedly if he was my boyfriend and if we were official and he kept telling me no. So I slept with other people. And I lied about it. And whne it came out, we decided that we would be together and he would have all of my passwords and my location. We decided that if we were going to stay together, I wasn’t allowed to go out with my friends. We decided that if I did go out with my friends, I had to send him pictures of us. We decided that he would sleep with the same number of other people that I had. We decided that I wasn’t allowed to have sex with anyone, him included. And we decided that this would be our norm until he “felt” I had atoned. We decided I wouldn’t get to be happy until he decided I could. And I agreed.

My therapist tells me that’s not normal. And I hate myself for allowing our relationship to go there. I’m so disappointed that I let myself be so controlled by a man. But my therapist helped me remember that I thought he was my soulmate and that it makes sense that I would want to go through that if my “happily ever after” was on the other side. And so I agreed. And he fucking destroyed my life.

He would sext other women and show me. When we would go out, he would ignore me and hit on other women in front of me, just to remind me that he could; to let me know that him choosing to be with me was a privilege. He would ignore me when I needed him most. He didn’t remember my graduation date nor did he come. He didn’t go with me to my spirit squad formal (but don’t worry, he still paid for his ticket). He just… treated me like he hated me. And maybe he did. Maybe I hated him. There is such a fine line between love and hate and I don’t know which side of that line we fell. But he hurt me. He hurt me so much. He controlled my entire life, and convinced me that I owed him a “thank you.”

And now, 8 months after we broke up, 3 months after we stopped talking, he’s on my fucking Facebook, still trying to stake some kind of control over my life. And I’m still trying to defend him. It’s my fault for giving him my password. It’s my fault for not changing my password. Any SANE person would be curious about their ex, right? Any NORMAL person would check up on them if they had the means, right? He’s not crazy, he’s fucking normal.

My therapist assigned some homework. I am to research the psychology and social psychology of abusive men. (Yes, there are female abusers, but in my instance, my abuser was male). She thinks that if I can understand the mechanisms of an abusive relationship outside of the one I had, that I might be able to see the abusive relationship I had clearer. So I’m doing that today. And tomorrow. And every day until I can make sense of what the fuck I’m feeling.

Continuing with the “victim” thing. She also mentioned how she, as a former victim, had a really hard time dealing with other “victims.” She said that it would drive her crazy when people would play “fake victims” to things she had experienced 10x worse. And I kind of get that. I’m a little bit obsessed with this girl I knew from high school who claims to have had two miscarriages (I know their fake; her ultrasound pictures are from Google – I found them in under 2 minutes). And she posts all of this stuff on Facebook about “poor me” (don’t even get me started on her mother’s day post). And. I kind of want to punch her in the face? But I also can’t stop stalking her shit, because it makes me nauseous, but in kind of a good way? Maybe not good, but addictive. I’m addicted to her fake chaos. Maybe it’s a distraction from my very real chaos. But I also want to punch her. Repeatedly.

I don’t know.

I don’t know how to write a resolution to this post. I don’t even know why I’m writing this post. Maybe if I write it down, it won’t feel like I’m choking on it. But I’m struggling a little bit.

I miss the tinder tales haha.

#tindertales #victim #therapy

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nogitsvlinski · 8 years ago

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autistic q&a

1. When did you discover that you are Autistic? about 15 or 16, I believe. didn't understand what it meant til I was a bit older than that, tho 2. What are your favorite stim toy(s)? clicking pens and fiddling with the fidget cube my mom gave me this past christmas~ 3. What are your favorite stims? I tap- my fingers, feet, knee... anything really 4. How do you calm down after a meltdown? I hide out in my room and sit in the quiet for a bit. no music, no one talking to me- just the solitude. 5. What method(s) of communication do you prefer? texting/IMs over chat. I am not fond of speaking and I especially hate phone calls because if I'm speaking to someone, I prefer to see the other person's face. 6. What are your special interest(s)? music, writing, singing, anything artsy and creative really! 7. What kind of sensory inputs do you find very unpleasant? the feel of velvet is the biggest one I can think of. it literally makes my skin crawl. also not a fan of super bright lights, my room tends to stay pretty dim. or chalk. can't stand that powdery shit all over my hands 8. What kind of sensory inputs do you like the most? the feeling of being in water, the warmth of sunshine, being wrapped up in a bundle of blankets while it's cold, music 9. What are your thoughts on self-diagnosis? considering how expensive it can be to get diagnosed, it can be alright. people tend to know themselves pretty well and with the right research can find names for what they think they have/are. 10. What is one thing that you wished everyone knew about Autism? that it's not something I can change and that I'm not trying to be difficult or high maintenence with my needs/quirks. 11. If you could repel one myth about Autism, which one would it be? THAT AUTISM ISN'T CAUSED BY FUCKING VACCINES. seriously. hurts every time to hear that it is. also that autism speaks is a good organization. it's not. it's fucking awful. 12. What are some of the things that allistic people often expect you to do that make no sense to you? honestly have no idea 13. How do you feel about being Autistic? it's difficult as hell but has made me the person I am today and wouldn't change it for the world. it gives me my creativity~ 14. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory heaven to you. prolly floating in the dead sea. I love swimming and water and would LOVE to try that sometime. 15. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory hell to you. a room covered in velvet and chalkboards, ughhh 16. Do you have any mental illnesses/other kinds of neurodivergence? How do they interact with/affect your Autism? I have oppositional defiant disorder, depression, and anxiety. 17. Do you prefer person-first or identity-first language? I 100% prefer identity first. please do not tell me I 'have autism.' makes it sound like a disease when it's not :c 18. What are your Autistic headcanons? uhhhhhhh no clue? 19. Are there any books/shows/movies that you would recommend to other Autistic people? none come to mind at the moment, might change this tho 20. What are some of the Autism-related problems you often have in your everyday life? anything involving socialization with people I don't know/are only barely acquainted with, fidgeting 21. What are your favorite Autism-related blogs/websites? I'm not honestly sure I follow any autistic blogs on here. if I do, they're all inactive now~ 22. What do you like about being Autistic? I love how passionate I feel about my interests, and the creativity and drive it's given me. maybe I'm not one of those math/science savant autistics, but give me a camera or a sketchbook or photoshop and I'm set. (I AM a savant when it comes to spelling, tho!) 23. What do you dislike about being Autistic? my meltdowns. my inability to look people in the eye unless I'm good friends with them. the fact that it's hard to hear when there's a ton of background noise going on- not because there's something wrong with my ears, but because the part of my brain that controls my hearing gets overwhelmed and everything sorta blends together into mush. 24. If there was a cure for Autism, would you want to take it? nope! I am the way I am for a reason, why should I change just to fit in? 25. What topics are you most likely to infodump about? the story I've been creating over the past couple years. music. makeup. animals. I have a few things I'm super interested in xD 26. Are there any stereotypes about autistic people that you fit? that we're socially awkward. so true for me. it's like I completely derp in social situations- at least around people I don't know. 27. Which ‘social rules’ do you often have trouble with? I hate eye contact. with a fiery fucking passion. my first therapist back when I first starting going to one (at 9/10 years old) used to try and not let me leave til I looked her in the eye. it was a battle she never won. ever. also probably being too blunt and honest. I have no issues speaking my mind and that gets me in trouble sometimes XD 28. Can you pass for neurotypical? I've been told I do but I'm biased and don't see how. I DO know I've come a long way, tho. 29. Have you had any previous special interests? What were they? CATS. I was obsessed with anything and everything cat related from the time I was born until around high school age.

#autistic tag #autistic #about me

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anothergirlrecovering · 8 years ago

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Lynn 36

Unfortunately this was one of those sessions where I felt like it was a complete waste of time and money. When I got there she asked me if I wanted any coffee or tea or anything and I said no thank you. She asked if I was sure that I didn't want any coffee and I reminded her that I don't actually drink coffee. She said she was just checking and she sat down. I asked how her shoulder was doing and she said it is starting to feel better. She said that they had done this weird procedure where it was almost like they took suction cups to her shoulder and it was really bruised and gross. LOL so basically I spent the next few minutes educating her on what cupping is and how it works and that they do that in acupuncture is well. I told her I had looked up frozen shoulder and the prognosis wasn't looking so good and she said there's always the possibility that she will need surgery at some point but she is hoping that with the physical therapy it will be all right. She said it depends on the day and some days are better than others, and I pointed out that the weather will affect it as well because of the air pressure changes. She said she hadn't even thought of that but it makes sense then why it was bothering her more the other day when it was raining. She also said she hadn't known what cupping was or what they were doing but that she was glad her physical therapist knows what she's doing because she did that. She asked how I was doing and I said I was OK but that the weekend had sucked. She asked what happened and I explained that my husband and I had ended up fighting the entire time. She said there must be something in the air because I am the second person today to say that the weekend went poorly and that there was lots of spousal fighting. I pointed out that it was a holiday weekend and that the majority of us may have spent more time with each other and may have seen each other's family which would likely trigger everyone. She said she hadn't really thought of that but it makes sense. She asked me what happened, and I went into details about all of the fighting. I explained how mom when we were at my husband's mothers house we ended up fighting about dandruff and how we have such poor conflict resolution skills and we literally just decided to be over it and stop fighting and move on. I explained how Friday night we ended up fighting about me thinking he needs therapy because he brought up freaking out about his hair and that he had been pulling out his eyebrows because he was stressed but that he basically says this is all normal and that he doesn't want to do therapy. Lynn basically said that she thinks I will have to come at it from a different angle and try to maybe just drop subtle hints like about how EMDr works so quickly or how it has really helped people on that I'm working with you have anxiety or something that might encourage him to think differently about it. She also pointed out presenting more positive reflections on how therapy is helping me to help him recognize that there is a benefit he may want. I pointed out that he had turned it on me and pointed out the fact that I have been in therapy for seven or eight years and there are still days when I come home upset for no reason and she laughed and said of course he did because it's easier to focus on my stuff and my problems than it is to look at his own. She asked if I thought that he would be willing to do couples counseling with me and if it would be possible to drive all the way to where she is because there's one counselor who she thinks would be a really good fit for us and she does evening appointments. I told her it was a possibility and I could always try talking to him about it if it was a real option for us. She said this therapist gets along really great with guys and she thinks that we would all work well together. She said she really thinks we could both benefit from couples therapy and being able to connect and have better conflict resolution and that she thinks this therapist would be aware of treating his aces. She said there is a new study that was being done at UT on the ace study and how the addiction model is failing because it isn't treating trauma. I explained that my husband had five aces, and that there were two more that he experienced with his dad but his dad didn't actually live in the home so he didn't say that it counted. She pointed out that my husband is a good guy but then he need some guidance and some help processing some of the stuff. I agreed and she was laughing and apologize for laughing and said that she knows it's not funny but it's kind of funny because I pointed out that he is upsetting about his hair and then I had come home the other day and he was just laying in bed naked and saying he was depressed and upset about his hair. I explained that I don't really know what else to say or do to be helpful about his hair loss obsession. I told her that on a more positive note I had written a positive song about parenting my kids differently than my mom dad and I brushed over that quickly because I didn't really want to get into the details or explain it but I wanted her to know that it was something positive that happened. I told her about the little girl in the Mormon church and home I wasn't triggered this time. She pointed out what a huge positive that was and shows so much growth and healing. I asked her if she was ready for the negative and she said yes so I explained how am I had gotten really triggered and upset on Friday night after my session and thinking about my own experience with gaining a significant amount of weight in puberty. What sucks is she misinterpreted what I had men and had thought that it was the Doctor Who had responded poorly when in reality it was my mom who had responded poorly and had literally brought me to the doctors because she was concerned about my weight gain. She asked me how I handled it and I explained that I had cried and texted my friend amanda about it and that Amanda had asked me what I would want to say to that little 14-year-old kid. She asked if Amanda is a therapist and I said she's in a PhD program to be a therapist LOL and she said that makes sense. I told her that I had started to do it Amanda had asked but then I had gotten upset and told her never mind and said I would wait to talk about it in therapy. She pointed out that she didn't think this experience was a negative because I had allowed myself to feel the pain and cry and had reached out for support and that sometimes the best thing is to just allow yourself to feel the pain. She also pointed out that I had literally given that kid the compassion that I would've wanted to give the 14-year-old self and that it's different and easier to look at it from an outside perspective and that as a therapist we are often going to be in situations where we get triggered or think about things. She pointed out that most therapists or at least the good ones have been through painful things and that is why we are so able to empathize with others, which I agreed. She pointed out that it was at a disappointment because I had texted my mom and my mom had further disappointed me which is a reminder that my mom still can't be there for me. She also asked if we were going under the assumption that my mom has an eating disorder, then how would that have changed that experience. I said that I would guess my mom would not have wanted me to be fat because it gave her anxiety, which Lynn said would be that my mother would project onto me. I said I wasn't really sure because my brother hit a chubby stage when he was 13 and he didn't really grow out of it and while they definitely constantly got onto him about his weight gaining about needing to cut back on snacks and eat better and exercise more, it didn't seem to affect him. Lynn said we only have like 10 minutes so there really wasn't enough time to do EMDR so she asked me more about my brother. I said that looking back I can see that he obviously had a lot of anxiety because he had issues with chewing on his shirt when he was old enough to know that he needed to not be chewing on his shirt or his jacket and that he also had an issue with playing with his hands as a kid and that the teacher had thought it was Tourette's or something but that now I realize he probably would've been diagnosed with ADHD or anxiety because he was constantly moving and fidgeting. She asked me why he had always gone so carsick and if that was related to his anxiety. I pointed out that I think it really was just motion sickness because he only got carsick if it was a longer car ride like 30 minutes and that what they had found to work was not feeding him before the long car trip and giving them the bracelets and that I had thought that he was always throwing up for all of those years but that she would just get nauseous and not actually throw up but by that point once he would say his tummy hurt, I would have a panic attack and dissociate and I didn't realize that he wasn't even actually throwing up. I explained that my brother and I are pretty different and that when he looks back at his life he says that childhood was great and that the only issue was in high school when he got bullied when he had to change schools. I said I think my brother has some social anxiety but outside of that he isn't a perfectionist and he isn't really super driven or interest about his performance or anything like that. I explained to Lynn that I felt like in thinking about our last session and how at the end it had surprised me that the thought but it popped into my head when she asked why I don't have to fight my parents anymore is because I'm not fat anymore according to their standards or at least I don't think I am, and that when I got upset on Friday about the weight gain of puberty it occurred to me that maybe those issues or things that I needed to process them because they were some of the underpinnings of what helped form the eating disorder. I explained that when I think about eating disorder memories that bother me, I always think of ones that were byproduct of having the illness, but that things like the waking up puberty would've been things that came before and sort of set the notion that I needed to be thin. She said that made sense and that it would sort of be us trying to figure out what things still needed to be processed. She hadn't realized that my doctor was not the one who handled my weekend poorly but that it was my mom which she said change things. She had thought that it was the Doctor Who had embarrassed mean, but really it was my mom who had made me feel like there was something wrong with me. She pointed out that we could start there next time but that she was really glad to hear about how I had not been triggered in church and what great progress that was. We scheduled for a week from today And I paid her. She told me safe travels back and I thanked her and left. I just hate feeling like I wasted my time and money to basically just vent when I could've called Amanda and told her the same thing and still not felt any better.

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canadajoke5-blog · 5 years ago

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WHY YOU NEED CUPPING & ACUPUNCTURE IN YOUR SELF CARE REGIME

Hi guys.

So today on the blog we have my favorite acupuncturist… the man with two first names…

TAYLOR TAYLOR…. Oh my god, if you’re in San Diego & you haven’t seen him, you are missing out on life, let me tell you.

A lot of us are familiar with acupuncture so let’s talk CUPPING. What the hell is it?

I’ve talked about cupping on the blog before & I’m still IN LOVE with it…. but let’s recap:

“Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine in which a local suction is created on the skin; practitioners believe this mobilizes blood flow in order to promote healing. Suction is created using heat ( fire ) or mechanical devices. Through either heat or suction, the skin is gently drawn upwards by creating a vacuum in a cup over the target area of the skin. The cup stays in place for five to fifteen minutes. It’s believed by some to help treat pain, deep scar tissues in the muscles & connective tissue, muscle knots, and swelling; however, the efficacy of this has been questioned.There is reason to believe the practice dates from as early as 3000 BC.” via

According to this source “cupping has numerous benefits— it can help remove toxins from the body & stimulate the flow of fresh blood, lymph, & Qi to the affected area and throughout the body.

It often works wonders for patients with the flu, colds, coughs, back and muscle pain, poor circulation, anxiety, red itchy skin conditions ( though cups are not applied to inflamed areas ), allergies, fevers, aches, & a myriad of other pains.

As the name implies, in this method your practitioner applies massage oil or cream on your skin in selected places, puts the cups over the areas to be treated and then slides them around that region of the body— most commonly the back. The cups slide easily because the cream has lubricated your body.

Ultimately you ought to consider exploring the benefits of cupping ESPECIALLY if you seek relief from stress, pain, allergies, fatigue, flu, colds, back pain, anxiety, muscle aches, red itchy skin conditions or fever.”

I’m also big into acupuncture & Taylor Taylor does both!

Him & his girlfriend, Lisa, run THE BEST acupuncture & cupping situation ever in San Diego. ( Lisa makes my most favorite bath salts everrrrr- they’re all natural, & just insane. I use them every day. They’re basically these gentle, healing bath salts that are filled with French lavender & grapeseed oil…but I feel like I should save this for a different post? )

Anyways, Taylor really gets it because he’s had his own issues with pain throughout his life. He had chronic pain & injuries from being in the military, doing sports, & martial arts. Western docs told him pain killers & surgery were his only means of relief but he discovered acupuncture & Chinese Medicine. It gave him short term & long term relief. He also LOVES to help patients educate themselves so they can avoid pain & injury in the future. We very much love prevention over here. You can buy heart cupping equipment yourself too which super cute.

With that, let’s welcome Taylor Taylor to the blog.

+ Introduce yourself- tell us your background.

My name is Taylor Taylor (yep, that’s really my name!) I am a Licensed Acupuncturist (L.Ac) with quite an unconventional background. I served our country as a Combat Medic with the US Army – post military I transitioned to a 10 year career as an ER Nurse before transitioning into Chinese medicine. I treat patients of all ages, and I support various types of healing. Something that sets me apart from other acupuncturists or traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) practitioners is that (#1) I TRULY understand pain and painful injuries from a professional AND personal perspective, (#2) I treat with both sides of the spectrum in mind – Eastern & Western medicine.

+ Why cupping/Benefits of cupping?

There is so much to say about cupping! I’ve done a great deal of research on the topic and can give you in-depth, technical, scientific evidence for the effectiveness and medical value in cupping – way too much information for just a short answer! What I can tell you in a nutshell is that cupping increases circulation, helps to flush toxins from the tissue, gives a focal stretch on the muscle and so much more. The proof is in the pudding – your body will tell just how amazing cupping is especially for reducing pain and inflammation and rehabbing injured tissue. It’s a shame that there are still some medical doctors and such still saying cupping is nothing more than a fad – it just proves they haven’t done their research and they certainly haven’t tried it themselves.

+ Why acupuncture?/Benefits of acupuncture?

Another great question! So much to cover here so for now I’ll keep it cursory. #1, it’s important to mention that unfortunately, there is so much misinformation when it comes to acupuncture. The majority of information published online is inaccurate, and at worst demonizes the practice of acupuncture and/or cupping completely. In fact, even Wikipedia dubs acupuncture as a “pseudoscience” – a dangerous misnomer that contradicts the guidance of reputable healthcare organizations & medical professionals that espouse and recommend acupuncture as a successful treatment to complement (and sometimes even replace!) other “typical” Western treatments. Put it to you this way: would American hospitals employ internal acupuncturists if acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) were considered “pseudoscience” in the eyes of the Western healthcare community? Beyond that, acupuncture & TCM has been practiced for CENTURIES in our world, a tradition with results that span generations. I air on the side of caution when discussing benefits of acupuncture as treatment is highly individualized and depends on your practitioner. Nowadays there are a myriad of individuals who will tell you they can perform acupuncture – without truly being a licensed acupuncturist. There are countless chiropractors, massage therapists, physical therapists, and even DOCTORS who will make the claim that they practice acupuncture, although most of them will not possess any focused, formal acupuncture training. This translates to what is frequently known as “dry needling” – which is sadly all too common in acupuncture today. Dry needling presently is NOT legal in California and nearly half the states in the US. Malpractice insurance does NOT cover dry needling in states where it is illegal. There is NO regulation of dry needling in terms of adequate training, continuing education, sharps disposal, and safety. It is a certification ONLY and does not require medical licensure. It is basically imitation acupuncture with less than 5 percent of the education required to be a licensed acupuncturist with very little to no training on ANY of the actual concepts of Chinese medicine. It’s basically sticking needles in anything that feels tight or tender without any further consideration. In short – don’t let anyone needle you unless they are a Licensed Acupuncturist at the national & state level, with a history of acupuncture specific training! So, to summarize: acupuncture provides a variety of benefits – more than I can mention here! I can say that the world health organization (WHO) put together a list of conditions they felt were successfully treated with acupuncture which included all types of musculoskeletal pain, many digestive disorders, emotional disorders, addiction, strokes, and many other issues pertaining to men’s and women’s health.

+ Tell us about facial acupuncture? I heard it’s like Botox. LOL.

Ha! Well, it’s like Botox in the sense that it stimulates “age-defying” improvement for the tissues and skin of your face…however, that’s mostly where the comparisons end. Botox has many potentially harmful side effects, including irreversible facial paralysis, to cite just one example. Acupuncture, on the other hand, represents healing & recovery with no strings attached. There has been a lot of research on facial rejuvenation acupuncture and just some of what we see with facial acupuncture includes increased collagen and elastin production, increased circulation, leukocyte (white blood cell) migration into the tissues facilitating the removal of cellular waste, free radicals, and many other toxins that contribute to the aging process. All of these things then lead to a longer lasting and more natural way to maintain a youthful appearance in the face.

+ What have you seen acupuncture & cupping cure?

The stories I could tell you! Too many to fit on one page, LOL! All sorts of things including the entire scope of painful conditions and injuries, digestive disorders, rare parasites, hormone imbalances and the list goes on and on. Overall, without sacrificing patient confidentiality, I can say that one of the most meaningful differences to ME is the peace & emotional relief that accompanies the healing of acupuncture. Many of my patients have suffered from a variety of debilitating conditions that Western medicine has proved to be no remedy for. The sheer gratitude of my patients when they tell me I’ve helped them in a way that no one else could – that’s what I wake up for. That’s why I do what I do. So, in short form – I’ve seen acupuncture cure absolute medical torment. And that’s relief you absolutely can’t put a price on.

+ Tell us about Lisa’s delicious bath salts- I am obsessed!

So glad you asked! This is a popular question 🙂 Lisa’s recipe is under lock and key — but I can tell you that her production days involve several chocolate runs and a litany of well-scented candles to set the mood and give her inspiration. I am usually the Guinea Pig .. lol! In all seriousness, we put a lot of thought into our bath salts. Our custom formulations include: targeted essential oil aromatherapy and premium crystaline mineral salts. Lisa’s salts are great for just soaking or even doing “contrast soaks”, which are a proven recovery method for healing inflammation and swollen feet (or other body parts) through rapid temperature change from hot to cold for affected areas. Our favorite “feet buckets” are our custom Taylor Made Buckets! 🙂 Lisa’s salts are also great for post-acupuncture & cupping therapy – I recommend a hot soak in the tub after a treatment.

You can find Taylor Taylor on:

♡ Instagram

♡ Facebook

♡ LinkedIn

♡ Twitter

♡ His website

Seriously you guys, book an appointment with Taylor Taylor when you’re in San Diego. You won’t be sorry. You can also buy heart cupping equipment yourself which is fun too.

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Source: https://www.theskinnyconfidential.com/cupping-acupuncture-benefits/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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