#i thought the context for this ask would be an apt time to try something new!

[000yul]

some thoughts on the chinese title of here a people sows: 怀黍离

oh boy is this title loaded with meaning. i'm not an expert or anything, so this is just my own personal speculation and research.

event spoilers below

first of all, getting the low-hanging fruit out of the way, 黍 is shu's name, meaning millet.

黍离 ('millet droops low') is a poem from 诗经, an ancient collection. and by ancient, i do mean old as balls—it dates from the 11th to the 7th century BCE. here's two different translations of the poem in question. from the first link:

Millet with grain droops low; Sorghum attends the blade. So slowly I go through; My heart is so dismayed. He who knows me says I'm distraught. He who doesn't asks if I'm seeking aught. O vast, almighty blue sky, Who on earth caused this and why?  Millet with grain droops low; Sorghum is in the ear. So slowly I go through; My heart feels drunk and drear. He who knows me says I'm distraught. He who doesn't asks if I'm seeking aught. O vast, almighty blue sky, Who on earth caused this and why?  Millet with grain droops low; Sorghum is in the grain. So slowly I go through; My heart is choked with pain. He who knows me says I'm distraught. He who doesn't asks if I'm seeking aught. O vast, almighty blue sky, Who on earth caused this and why?

well! that's pretty depressing! the themes of grief basically jump out! apt for a woman who trapped herself in a thousand-year purgatory of self-destruction! there's no way she didn't know what planting those northern seeds would do there's no way

next, on 离. in the poem above, 离 is used to describe the grain (drooping), but the far more common every day meaning of the word is 'depart.' so, 黍离 - shu's departure. (i don't think 离 on its own alludes to death, but given that shu's death and departure are inextricable in the story, i can't think of one without thinking of the other...)

now, 怀. to think of; to keep in your heart. a sentimental remembrance. now this is nastily ironic considering the nature of how the sui siblings die (really hard to kill but if they do die they're forgotten, to the extent that even their works disappear from the earth).

before we put it all together. back to the poem

the first link from above has some additional historical context: the poem is about a millet field that has taken the place of an old, dilapidated imperial palace. it's a lament on lost glory, so i wonder if the choice of poem is also meant to allude to sui itself (the lost imperial palace to shu's millet field). i'm actually hesitant about this conclusion, because it's not actually clear to me that any of the siblings yearn for that past glory over all else—even wang. (ji is sentimentally motivated, and more benign than he appears at first glance, though he's still a grey kinda guy. wang's motivations are wrapped up in grief, and we don't know entirely what went down with jie, the dead sister, still, but it almost feels at times that wang wants freedom for the sui siblings more than anything else. but freedom is tied to power is tied to glory, so...)

one more thing. I'm assuming millet droops when it's just about ready to harvest, so i feel like there's an additional bittersweet layer to all of this, of the past, long-lost glory being replaced by something humble, but important and practical—a fruitful harvest for all. sui's grand power, harnessed by yan (in this case, shu in particular)...

so, the various possible meanings of 怀黍离, put together:

remembering shu's departure

in memory of shu?

remembering the drooping millet (and by extension, what it has replaced)

anyway, this is all just me trying to put pieces together. these thoughts aren't particularly organised but what the hell. if you read to the end, cheers

[meowmeowriley]

@o-birdseed-o @27potatochips here's that other bit of Outlaw Outta Time I meant to post yesterday, but I got distracted. For context there's 2 pre-order bonus horses in RDR2, the war horse and the thoroughbred. Those are Ghost and Arthur's horses, respectively.

Arthur led Ghost and Soap to the stable and hitched Obscenity. Soap slid off Calypso, once again impressed that the beast could carry both him and Ghost, and watched as Ghost handed a sugar cube to her and whispered his thanks. He was so gentle with her, it never failed to make Soaps heart swell.

As they entered the stable a man approached. "Enjoying those horses I sold you?"

Arthur nodded. "I am. Found a use for that war horse after all." He then gestured to Ghost.

The stable manager looked Ghost up and down. "Fitting." He said. Ghost said nothing, though with his face uncovered there was no doubt that the stable manager though Ghost was scowling at him. People always thought that, he just had major RBF. The man turned back to Arthur once more. "What can I do for you today then, my friend?"

"Well, ahhh" Arthur sighed heavily in that way Americans would during casual conversation, "I'm in the market for two more. One needs to be very specific though." As he spoke, Arthur brought up his hands to punctuate his words. "I need something calm. Unspookable. Something that can handle wrigglin' in the saddle. Gettin' up and down, up and down." He sounded mildly exasperated as he made each point, but his eyes were soft and fond.

"A good first horse for a toddler then?" Tje man asked after a moments thought.

"Yes." Arthur immediately answered.

Soap elbowed Ghost in the ribs as he'd started to chuckle. He had to admit though, the comparison of Albert to a toddler was apt.

The man led them to a reddish brown horse in a stall. She had a white streak down her face. "Best starter horse we have."

"Perfect." Arthur said as he stroked her. She leaned her head into his touch. "We'll need tack as well."

They walked over to the tack wall and Arthur pointed out a set with small blue and red flowers on the bridle and saddle. As the stable hands began getting the horse ready the manager asked "You mentioned another?"

"For my friend here." Arthur said and Ghost patted Soap on the shoulder.

"What're you looking for?"

Soap cleared his throat. "Ah'm not sure. But I'll know it when I see it."

The man smiled and nodded, then led them out to where there were more horses in several round pens. "Most of what we have is out here. Take a look around."

They walked around and looked at the horses for a bit,  but nothing felt right. Until he spotted her.

A darker brown horse, with a black mane and tail. Black on her legs that looked like socks, legs that she was digging into the dirt. Several men with lassos around her neck were trying to drag her along. She had a funny shape to her skull, like her nose was turned up, and her tail was held high. She looked mean. Soap liked that.

"What about her?" He asked the stable manager.

"Uhhh that one's on her way to the butcher. No one wants her."

"She not rideable?"

"After her previous owner died, no. "

"Ah want her." Everyone looked at John like he'd lost it. He stood his ground.

Arthur sighed again. "How much?" He grumbled.

The stable manager laughed, "you know what? You get a halter on that thing? She's free. But you gotta do it without losing your hands."

John grinned. He could do that. He grabbed the plain black halter that was handed to him by one of the other men, and made his way to the horse. The first thing she did the second he was stood before her was open her mouth wide to take a chunk out of him. He stuffed the bit in her mouth. She seemed just as stunned at the rest of the men around them, with the exception of Simon and Arthur, who were both howling with laughter as he led his new horse over to them. She came easily now that she had her halter on, though her ears were still pinned, and she tried desperately to get the bit forward with her tongue. She seemed hell bent on chewing on it.

"She's got an explosive temper." The stable manager tried one last time to warn him.

"So've I." John called over his shoulder as he led her towards the saddles.

He could hear Simon speaking for the first time since they'd arrived, no doubt reassuring the stable manager. "Don't worry he's got a way with cold, aggressive beasts that'd rather be left alone."

"That so?" Arthur had gotten over his laughing fit.

"Worked on me, anyway." The pair had walked up beside him, watching him look over the saddles.

[thegoldenappleofdiscord]

Idk if you’ve gotten this ask before, but is there anything you would have changed if you wrote pjo/hoo/toa? And how would you have written it?

never gotten this ask before! and oh man, yeah, there are some things i would change. i wouldn't call myself someone who does analysis on their favorite media (at least i don't do it very often) i just read/watch and enjoy, unless there's something that seriously strikes me as Kind of Very Weird. half the time i don't mind occasional bad writing if i enjoy the media very much, which is the case with pjo, but again, there are some things that were odd to me lol. keep in mind it's been a while since i've reread so these are just things i remember vividly as being something i very much didn't like/understand.

percy jackson and the olympians:

that whole 'entwining history' with pjo thing felt weird to me: like with harriet tubman being called a child of hermes? for one, it feels unnecessary, and two, it feels as though all the things she's done, all of her bravery, wit, courage, are being attributed to her demigod status, as hermes is the god of travelers, cunning, roads, etc. it feels insensitive and not handled very well. there's also a blurb that mentions that hitler was a child of hades, that world war II was a conflict of the big three, and that the civil war was a roman vs greek conflict - again, these all just feel so insensitive to the actual historical events that occurred, ascribing all that violence and catastrophe to a squabble between the children of the big three when the actual causes of these events were so much more complicated and deep-rooted. i believe it was an attempt at trying to see where the gods fit in the modern tapestry, but i don't think actual history needs to be bastardized in order to write smth like that. there's also the issue with the "western civilization" narrative portrayed in the story, but i don't feel like i could even adequately sum up the issue here.

the fix-it: just. don't have the historical stuff? the insertion of demigods in wwII is supposed to show the destruction of these big three children in battle, and the later prophecy would supposedly give more reasoning as to why the big three can't have children. but why not just have the prophecy recited before wwII and cut out the 'oh demigods partook in wwII" nonsense? [before the war, after the diangelos are born] the gods have already witnessed wars that actual demigods took part in, such as the trojan war, and saw how terrible those effects were. and there were hardly any big three kids in that battle that were main players. if demigods who weren't of big three ancestry caused that much destruction, wouldn't that be apt enough reason, along with the ominous prophecy, not to give birth to any kids? especially because greek mythology is rife with sons trying to overturn their fathers, and said fathers trying to overturn that future. that itself gives perfect context for why this child-making ban would be introduced, and why zeus especially would enforce it (ex. attempted murder of the diangelos) because. he's literally the "son who overturned his father" (kronos.)

luke having romantic feelings for annabeth: why. why. when i was reading the series i always assumed he had spared annabeth because of their familial ties, but in staff of hermes percy describes their relationship as "luke later gaining feelings for her" which...why? lmao

the fix-it: luke does love annabeth, but as a younger sister, and it is that sibling love that makes him spare her all the times he did, and inevitably helps him break from kronos' hold. i think it's much more meaningful, makes more sense [ties into the threeway "family" conflict between thalia, luke, and annabeth], and obviously isn't weird to think about it like the aforementioned canon dynamic.

heroes of olympus:

portrayal of poc characters: now, i'm going to be honest, when i first read hazel's description, i never thought there was anything wrong with it. my rationale for this was "oh, golden eyes because she controls minerals" however many people have brought up how this feeds into the exotic poc caricature. while many characters have oddly colored eyes, i haven't done enough in depth research on the history of written poc characters and their applied descriptors, i don't want to minimize what could be a genuine issue. on another note, while i don't claim to be an expert on native american culture and tradition, i am aware of the numerous claims that native american pjo fans have made about piper, especially her wearing feathers in her hair. i think in her case it's very much cut and dry; rick didn't do his research regarding her heritage, at least in the earlier books.

the fix-it: research.

portrayal of medea (and other mythological characters): in the lost hero, medea is portrayed as a "blood-thirsty psycho," all while ignoring the terrible way jason (from the mythos, not Grace) treated her and the hardships that she went through. and that is my point - pjo does subvert some tropes, like hades being the villain [although given the fact that it is also canon his children were on the axis side, well.] but many times it falls into the same overused narratives, like medusa being characterized as the killer when in reality she was born a gorgon and often visited by heroes who wanted to kill her for glory [the version where she was a priestess was written by ovid, and ovid seems to have a passionate hatred for athena and women in general, as can be seen in his retellings.] i can understand this in pjo, but i think heroes of olympus truly would have benefited from more nuanced characterizations.

the fix it: research!

di angelo's Otherness + the ooc behavior of characters: one detail i always remember is how leo and piper behaved around nico, and the apparent...teasing? bullying? that went on behind his back - at least, it's alluded to that they both make some not-so-nice remarks about him. and it doesn't make sense to me, especially when leo and piper are both victims of bullying, have been judged for their appearance, etc. leo's literal first scene is him making fun of a bully [dylan] to jason, and in the mark of athena, when he and hazel see the vision of sammy making fun of one of hazel's bullies, leo mentions that he used to do that all the time. i think having leo and piper behave this way was supposed to emphasize nico's "not-belonging" within the argo II environment, but why at the sake of their characters? additionally, the scene were he does make those comments seems another way to frame jason as nico's "ally" [which the fandom loves to do while ignoring jason's actions towards nico in general, but that's a whole other thing lmao.]

the fix-it: don't include that post-cupid jason + leo + piper scene. there was already a layer of distrust between that group and nico, which is enough to emphasize a divide.

the detriment of caleo on leo's character arc: romance is everywhere it doesn't need to be in this second series. everyone is with someone, for better or for worse. however, while relationships like jasper and frazel are either unnecessary or badly developed, there is no relationship, i think, that is as detrimental to a character's arc as caleo is to leo. i won't be doing a deep-dive, as there are other posts on this site that delve into the issue better than i could, but i wanted to list it as one of my biggest gripes - it basically takes all his struggles with self and decides to give him a girlfriend as a shoddy fix-all.

the fix-it: there are a lot of ways you could go about rewriting this, but i'd have calypso be freed after the second titanomachy, join the hunters as her sister did - that way she could retain her immortality - and travel the world with them. khione would blast leo off the ship - maybe he gets injured and has to find his way back, thinking all the while that his friends have probably moved on, but he finds that they're all still there, desperately searching. he tells them they should have moved on, and they'd say that they aren't leaving him behind, that he's important to them more than to the mission, etc. although i think for this to work other dynamics would need to be tweaked - [no jasper after the first book; focus is instead on strengthening the lost trio's friendship throughout the rest of the book.]

the ending + gaea: i think it's a general fandom consensus that the ending for blood of olympus left much to be desired. the final battle felt so rushed and...didn't make much sense to me? how do you lift a being who is the earth...out of the earth...? and that's the main issue with me, honestly. how do you defeat the earth? there was that whole "scatter her essence" blurb at the end of the book, but that also didn't make much sense to me. gaea as a villain seemed like a bad choice because a.) her rising up to destory the olympians because of their treatment of her children is a repeat of the gigantomachy, just as pjo is a second titanomachy. it feels like the same narrative is being recycled, and b.) because she is the earth. a primordial being. i don't know how to re-hash this, but it's simply unrealistic to have a band of teenagers defeat an entity as old and powerful in a handful of chapters.

the fix-it: different villain entirely! at least, that's what i would do, because i can't think of a way to destroy the earth that doesn't involve actively poisoning it/j. there are a plethora of interesting mythological figures who would make for good antagonists, and also shed light on issues besides the ones pjo already touched on.

trials of apollo: i have not reread this series in a long while, and unlike the others can't remember as vividly the details, but the thing i remember bothering me the most occured in the dark prophecy, in which two lesbian hunters of artemis describe how they had to leave the hunters on account of their relationship. @solisaureus has an in-depth post about this which effectively sums up the issues and goes into other problems with the hunters, and i think they break it down better than i do, so go check that out!

the sun and the star:

pacing: i enjoyed the book but did feel like it was paced weirdly - for a book all about a couple journeying into tartarus, they only entered tartarus during the last hundred pages. i think this contributes to the bad fight at the ending, too, as it felt very rushed. i think having the couple spend a lot of time in the underworld was supposed to establish will's discomfort and the later conflict, but three hundred pages is a bit much. i also find it difficult to believe that nyx, the literal definition of night, was defeated so quickly, or defeated at all. i did enjoy her as a villain more than i did gaea, but i had the same problem of being dissatisfied with the ending battle.

the fix-it: i feel like having the villain be akhlys would make sense. as the goddess of misery, she might want to convince nico that grief is eternal, inescapable, and that he may as well succumb to a life of tragedy. buuut that would also mean no cocoa puffs. and i like the cocoa puffs - so this one is a bit up in the air for me!

plague will: this is personal to me because i love this headcanon and when it became canon i was all "oh, woah" but then it was. never brought up again lmao.

the fix-it: have him use it earlier in the book [perhaps discover it when he goes out by himself] and try to suppress it, but eventually learn that his negative emotions + memories - "darkness" - shouldn't be suppressed, but rather released; that those aren't things to fear. or at least have him talk about it later with nico and try to sort out what their existence means for him. [there are other problems with tsats that people did bring up, but i don't actually have issues with them - i.e. "the first kiss," "coming-out scene," continuity errors, etc. the coming out scene is especially controversial, but my only issue with that is that nico asked out will without considering will's closeted status. the continuity errors aren't really something to dedicate a whole bullet point to, seeing as rick's timeline is eternally convoluted and just not worth getting irritated over at this point.]

if you want me to elaborate on any of these in a second post i can! thanks for the ask!

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Prompt: “You’ve been strong your whole life, it's okay to feel weak for a moment.”

Song: Carry You - Ruelle

For Tolya x Reader pls!!

Almosts - Tolya Yul Bataar

Trigger Warning on this one folks, I wanted something that felt closer to book content, so I leaned into the Kanej scenes that lead to Kaz plucking out a dudes eyeball, so given that context, strap yourselves in okay?

Grisha Reader, Order Unspecified.

Trigger Warning On This One Pals.

Content Warnings: Kidnapping. Torture. Ideas Of Self Sacrifice. Plans/Thoughts/Ideation's Of Suicide In Context Of Mercy In The Face Of Captivity, Exploration Of The "Better To Fall On Your Own Blade, Than Be Held Prisoner," Mentality. Not Beta/Proof Read.

Part 2

Wherever you are is dark, but it's not cold, if anything it is a little too warm and at times you wonder if they're trying to sweat you out, slowly bring up the heat until you're delirious. There would definitely be more efficient ways to get to you, but you don't know who is holding you, or the extend of their motivations, so their tactics are beyond your comprehension.

You have no doubt what they are after, information you will not willingly give them. You had been trained for these kind of situations, but they were behind you, your days of playing spy for a country that barely noticed if you lived or died were over. You were working for your heart now, and your heart alone, it just so happens that your heart is so closely attached to the Ravkan royalty. A fact which is likely the culprit in your containment.

They think they know something, things they could use, and you might, you probably do, being as close as you are to the Kings Guard. Being as close as you are to Tolya, you know a lot more than you would want anyone to be aware of you knowing.

The visit you get is shortly after you hear the ringing of bells, you think you count three, but in the space you are in you have no way of telling if it day or night. You cannot see the face of the man asking you questions but his accent is easy to place, clearly Fjerdan. You don't like that knowledge, it makes you aware of a pit in your stomach that your heart threatens to fall into.

You are asked questions and you reply in long silent stares, the threats pass you by, and you do not react to them. It never really matters how long ago you stopped being a solider, Baghra had once told you, because the training sticks with you. You doubted her, hoping that having severed yourself from your duties and with enough time passing you could become something more, something outside of the spy you were trained to be, the deceiver and the devoted. But you were grateful for the truth of her words now. All the old teachings bubbling up like they were fresh lessons you'd taken only yesterday, allowing you to not as much as flinch in the presence of your captor. Though you know the threats are not empty, not hollow persuasions and there was no pleasant time to be spent in this prison of their making. They wanted answers, and if you did not give them the answers they wanted, they would extract them from you by whatever means they deemed necessary. You weren't considered human to them after all. You being grisha made you nothing more than an abomination to them. The man talks low, in Fjerdan, and you never were the most apt at language but you recognise one of the words as clearly as in your own tongue, drüsje.

You don't appreciate the man talking words you couldn't understand, and you appreciate less the way he was talking about you. So you sit up, trying to remember anything you could about the language he is using. After all, nothing is more likely to rile up a Drüskelle like hearing their own language in the mouth of a grisha. "Wanden olstrum end kendesorum," you say, and you're sure you're butchering the translation, but you don't have it in you to care, you can barely even remember what the saying means, something about ice not being merciful. "Isen ne bejstrum."

That gets a rise from the man in the shadow. "Tig!" He yells at you. "You have no right to our words, in our tongue."

"Like you have no right to hold me, or is that simply because I am what you consider to be wrong?" you ask.

"I will return soon," he warns you, "and next time I will not be so kind, so consider your options, witch."

"My options," you lean back against the hard wall, "die slowly or die quick?"

"Exactly," he says and closes the door. You hadn't expected him to be so forward, but you knew that was what the situation was. No Fjerdan was going to let a grisha captive go just because they cooperated. There was no making this out alive if the Fjerdan's could help it. Your only real chance was escaping which given every angle you have considered seems nigh on impossible, or to be rescued. You didn't doubt Tolya, or the others for that matter, you know he would try, nothing could stop him trying, but you're not sure that will be enough. You're not sure exactly how much time you can buy yourself to allow him to get to you.

When you're sure you are alone again you shake your arm against your restraints and hear the gentle sound you were hoping to find.

The blade concealed in the fabric of your sleeve, so thin that they wouldn't notice it if they didn't know what they were looking for. An old habit from the work you did for Ravka before, an old habit that your generals used to call 'insurance.'

The blade is durast made, and needle sharp. It's not a blade for fighting, it's a blade for when you're out of options, backed into a corner and have nowhere left to go. It's a blade designed for mercy over the torture you might endure at the hands of your captives, mercy before you can betray what is close to you, and then die for the privilege.

The weight of the blade in your hand is almost non-existent, light as a feather, or a hope. You let your mind run away from you, thinking about home, thinking about card games with Tamar, and arguing over the colour choices with Genya, watching the way David scribbles additions to the list he has that helps him with reminders of ways to bring his wife joy, because she deserves it more than almost anyone you've ever known. You let your mind think of Nikolai looking for any excuse to be less official, leaning over balconies and smiling at the distance, like a boy who's heart is still somewhere out on the ocean. You let yourself think of Zoya and the way she rolls her eyes in a filled room, but somehow never lets you make it through a meeting without a warm drink in your hand, you'd never once asked her, and she had never once asked how you took it, she just knew, she noticed you guess. For all her cold exterior, Zoya had an unintentional tendency to love, even if she couldn't recognise that was what it is. The hardest part is when you let your mind wander to Tolya, you can see him in your mind as clearly as if he was beside you, the version of him you hold close to you, in your memories is kissed by the morning sun, smiling in the morning light, looking far too large to be sitting in the window, but he is doing it anyway, legs against the outer wall, like he could jump down if he wanted, disappear into some adventure, like some hero you'd framed him as in your mind. Your hero. Tolya Yul Bataar, the best part of your history, the thing you'd always be the most grateful for.

You feel the blades weight now as you let yourself think of him, and you force yourself to think of what it means for him if you decide to use it. Losing him, the idea of it alone is the cruelest thing you could experience, and you know that he would not feel dissimilar. But what they wanted from you, the blood they were going to spill in the search for answers, answers you could not give without giving up everyone you cared for, Tolya most of all.

You stare at the blade, wondering, what choice would be more painful, to betray or to leave them alone to preserve what you know. You would rather die than turn on Tolya, you know that as surely as you know anything, you would take his promises to the grave and nothing would stop you from doing that. Even if it means falling on an old insurance policy created by a loyalty you were sworn to without choice, to protect the only thing you would always be loyal to without even asking.

You slip the blade back to where you had found it, not ready to make that choice yet, not ready to give up on the idea that Tolya might just be the hero from all the stories and get here just in time.

You lose track of all sense of time as it passes, creeping by. The third time the Fjerdan visits you're left with a threat you cannot ignore, and the resounding copper taste in your mouth.

You move your arm the best you are able, between your injuries and the tightened restraints and you feel the blade slip out of its holding once again and fall into your hand.

You press a finger to it's tip, and you don't feel it cut into you, you're only sure it has when the blood wells up in a bright red bud on the end of your finger. So thin, so sharp a blade that it might as well slip between nerves at it's finest point. After all, the blade was designed for mercy, designed for moments when you know you're going to die but want to do it on your terms, not theirs.

You try not to think of Tolya. Knowing there is no kindness for him in this. If they kill you, or if you fall on your own blade his loss is the same, and they're matching wounds that only heal slightly differently. You'd hope he would know why you'd choose this option, but lingering on the thoughts of all the things he might feel when he finds you, if he finds you, only makes a pain worse than any torture bleed into your system. Thinking of him makes you want to live more than anything else, but that is becoming less and less of an option.

You hear the movement outside, and your instincts kick in. He shouldn't have been returning so quickly, time may not be real to you but you can still follow the sounds of routine. It doesn't make any sense, but you cannot risk him finding the blade without a chance to use it, losing your only merciful out is not an option. You grip the blade tighter in your hand, which is unsteady, so unsteady and you point the blade towards yourself, pointed end resting against your chest above your heart. You take in a deep breath, eyes on the door. If he wants to come early, you can let him watch his failure.

The door opens and you ready your pressure on the blade, but the eyes you meet in the darkness are not those of your captor, but familiar golden eyes of home.

"Tolya?" you ask and drop the blade, it clatters on the hard floor and he doesn't have time to process it before he is beside you, checking you over, assessing your injuries. "Tolya," you smile, "you came."

"Did you not think I'd come for you?" Tolya asks, gesturing for someone else in the doorway to come in and help with the bindings.

"I didn't know if I was strong enough," you say. This is when he lets his awareness come back in, at first he was too overwhelmed by the sight of you, by the knowledge he had found you, that you were alive, that he could keep you safe, and get you home. That he hadn't had a moment to process what he had been seeing when he opened the door. Zoya steps from the darkness and picks up the blade without saying a word, she recognises it instantaneously, and the look on her face causes you a type of pain you cannot describe.

"You devoted idiot," Zoya whispers to herself, giving you a glare before she storms back out.

"Did you not think I'd come for you?" He repeats. His eyes searching yours. He helps you to your feet, and you can hear Tamar down the hallway, in some fight, cursing in more languages than you know.

"I knew you'd come for me," you say honestly, "but I did not want to betray you before you had the chance. Tolya I would rather die than betray you. They wanted me to betray you-"

"Then betray me," he says, your heart stills in your chest, "if it keeps you safe, it keeps you from harm, betray me, always betray me. I can forgive betrayal, but I cannot forgive the loss of you. I could overcome betrayal, but I can not overcome the loss of you."

"Tolya..." you cannot find words, you're exhausted and in pain and you had been coming to terms with the idea you were not making it out, and yet he found you, and so many different feelings are surging through your body you feel fit to fall down. But he holds you, not letting you fall.

"I," Tolya ever the man of words, the poet, cannot find the right thing to say.

"Tolya, get your sister, make sure we can get out of here, I will take them back to safer ground," Zoya says, more of a command than a suggestion.

Tolya's eyes are blazing, like the idea of letting you out of his sight is the biggest insult Zoya could have said. "If you think I am leaving-,"

"Tolya, take that rage, make it useful," Zoya says, "do you think anyone in this place is capable of stopping me?" She moves her hands together and everyone in the room can feel the static, we all know what she is capable of, Zoya Nazyalensky the grisha who learned to control lightening. "No, so you be useful and I will handle this, we got this far do you think I would allow things to go wrong now?"

Tolya's eyes are on you, the idea of leaving you seems so far from right to him, but you manage to give him a nod, against what you want, against your instincts. You want nothing more than to stay at Tolya's side, at his side you feel stronger, you feel safe, you feel like nothing could happen. But you know Zoya is right, you cannot recall a time she was wrong... the one glaringly obvious one aside.

"It's okay Tolya," you tell him.

"We are not done talking about this," he says. You give him a knowing nod, and he pulls you in for a hug, his grip is so tight you're convinced your bones might snap if he wasn't careful, but he is careful, he is always so very careful with you. "I am so glad to see your face again."

"Not as glad as I am to see yours," you tell him before he disappears down the hallway to find Tamar.

Zoya wastes no time, in the hand she isn't using to support you she holds out the blade. "I am not returning this to you," she says. "This was from a time when Kirigan was in charge, and for all his talk about loving the grisha he used us just like the rest of them. This is a relic from a time where we were worth more dead than as hostages, why do you still have this?"

"You say relic like it much longer ago than it was Zoya," you say, "you don't forget that training so easily."

"You sound like Baghra," Zoya scoffs.

"I know," you admit. Zoya looks at you, and for all the sternness in her face you see a concern behind those eyes.

"I am not giving you this back," she says, "but I understand." She places it back into her pocket and puts her attention on keeping you up, and getting you out. “You’ve been strong your whole life, it's okay to feel weak for a moment.”

"I thought it was strength it took to be a soldier," you say, repeating Zoya's own words back at her.

"I've said many things," Zoya admits, "and although I have meant all of them, there are a few on occasion, that I regret." She looks at you, and you look back at her and for a moment you see past the beauty and the fierceness, you see past the Zoya she always shows, the one you've always known and you see something else, you see a Zoya you suspected was always there but doubted you'd ever see. "You're perfectly strong, but your strength comes from your love more than anything. I've not known you as strong as you've become since you've known him. And as much as I would like to say there are stronger motivators for the fight inside you, I saw the way he fought for you, and I see how badly you fought to make it long enough for him to get to you, and I doubt you could get a stronger fight than that."

[askaniritual]

So I've seen the sollux karkat Dave thoughts, but do you have Sollux Karkat Gamzee thoughts? Like what does Sollux think of Gamzee and vice versa and their respective relationships to Karkat? And do you think it's at all less complex than it is with Dave cause they are all Alternian? And like how does Terezi fit into all of this? Sorry if it's rambly, it just seems you kinda like these characters and I'm only just now noticing how interconnected and complicated they all are to each other, I tend to think of these characters in dyads a lot and it's interesting to think how homestuck plays with that concept a bit.

this is the kind of thing i fantasize ppl asking me about tbh so thank you for allowing me to give voice to the stuff i usually save for muttering to myself as i wander around my apt! lets get into it:

i get the feeling that the sum total of sollux and gamzee's opinions about the other person would be like "oh yeah that guy karkat is obsessed with". I have kind of a hard time seeing them as a triad even tho I prefer gamkar pale and solkat more red (but also kind of smeary) simply because I view karkat's relationship w both of them as so ultimate and all-consuming that I have a hard time imagining how the other person fits into the picture. Like for me davesolkat is more about the fact that dave/karkat is endgame (or whatever) so if you want to put sollux in there in a canonverse it has to deal w dave Somehow*. When I think abt gamkar or solkat I tend to think abt them more in the context of non-sgrub relationships, and then like with a focus on one or the other.

All this to say that I do not think that gamsolkat would be less complicated than davesolkat because I think dave and sollux would manage to more or less peacefully ignore each other and i think gamzee and sollux would genuinely actually for real try to kill each other. Might be fun to watch though!

As far as terezi goes. So cancellable take perhaps but I feel that pitch gamrezi is kind of fun, actually. I think a lot of the time even gamzee-sympathetic stories tend to brush off the darker, sharper parts of him but i think its interesting to have that be something that is just as much a part of him as the gentler, friendlier bits. all this to say I like when gamzee can be soft with karkat and sharp with terezi. also! this is truly just my imo but i really cannot see karkat/terezi as anything other than a high school relationship where they really should have broken up before college but are for some reason determined to stick it out. like i think they're fine together, its not toxic or anything but its like for sure the worlds most passionless relationship. and thats because karkat should be with sollux

this may sound hypocritical because again, i am a solrezi enjoyer but! for me karsolrezi is like terezi and sollux are semidisfunctional moirails and karkat is there when they get soooo dysfunctional that it requires third party intervention of the only reasonable person either of them know who will still put up with their shit. i think in general in the fandom (and canon i guess) karkat's role is that of The Great Mediator which is hard to escape.

So i guess if I were to lay all this out:

GamKarSol -> apocalyptic level hurt feelings that ends in actual bloodshed. the only time sollux and gamzee can be in the same room together is when they're both too high to function

GamKarRezi -> 2/3 possible pairings in this relationship r having fun. Karkat and Terezi have really bad sex on the first tuesday of every month and if one of them needs to miss it, they have to make a note about it on the calendar

KarSolRezi -> karkat has to convince both of them to take a shower because they both forgot they were moirails and got into some kind of weird dick measuring contest about how long they could go without bathing

GamKarSolRezi -> i think in this arrangement sollux would have to be pale w terezi and pitch w karkat, karkat would have to be red w terezi and pale with gamzee and i guess gamzee and sollux would be matesprits! wow!

*canonverse post-canon gamkar is like. technically theoretically possible but i genuinely think it would take like 100k words of plot to even get to a point where it could be like. reasonable for anybody. sollux you can just kind of drop in there but gamzee unfortunately it is not that simple i fear

[ask-missmargiezelle]

What are your thoughts on Miss Emily? I find she's a very kind lady, but she can be scarily stern at times...

“Dr. Dyer? Gosh, she looks so tired all the time… I s’pose the manor hardly leaves room for beauty sleep.”

“I guess I learned to avoid mentioning any ‘settling of debts’ after she patches me up — it always brings this guilty look on her face. Honestly, the doc surprises me! I can’t remember the last time anybody looked after me without expecting some form of… repayment.”

[liesoverthec]

OG 911 Character Details from Canon Pt 2

Hi y’all I’m back! I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reblogged the last details post - I sort of just thought people would like it and it would die, so to see it travel and hopefully reach more writers was so great so thank you again!

Details under the cut since I went a little crazy 😅 and if this is your first time seeing this, the first part, and any future parts, can be found under this tag here!

Quick note before I get to the details - always, ALWAYS take details from dialogue or plot over details from the set or props if they contradict each other. The writers have the ultimate say over what happens on the show/for the characters, so whatever they say goes, even if it goes against something props has already laid down (eg, Chim’s birthday, sorry Libra crew. He’s an Aries or a Pisces). So keep that in mind for the future in case some of these details I have which are from props/set are changed in the future, or if you’ve noticed something yourself!

Also if you have questions, I am MORE than happy to answer them, although if you leave them in the tags on this post I’m probably gonna lose them, so if it’s something you’d genuinely like an answer to, drop it in my inbox! Besides my standard “ask” tags, I’m also tagging asks about canon details with this tag here. Every time I make a big post like this, I’m going to link all the asks I’ve gotten since the last post, but if you’re looking for more info in the mean time, that’s the other spot to look!

Buck has a grill on his patio.

Eddie doesn’t hang Christopher’s art on the fridge - instead it is either hung on the corkboard in Chris’ room to the left of the door, or Eddie puts it in an actual frame and hangs it using a hammer/nails in Christopher’s room. All the Diaz family has on their fridge is a bunch of bendy people magnets. (I absolutely ADORE him putting all this effort into treating Christopher’s art like it’s something you’d buy from a professional artist).

Info on everyone’s ages can be found here. (Little more discussion of Chim’s situation here).

Albert has a bachelor’s degree! I don’t know in what though, except that it’s some field for which is a Master’s is useful.

Athena was in a sorority in college, Delta Sigma Theta. Their website describes them as “ ...a sisterhood comprised primarily of Black, college-educated women ... [that] considers the issues impacting the Black community and boldly confronts the challenges of African Americans and, hence, all Americans ”, which I love for Athena, and feel is very in-character for her at that time in her life!

Chim is an aviators dude. When he wears sunglasses, they’re always aviators.

Athena also wears nothing but aviators.

Bobby wears square aviators.

Eddie, on the other hand, always wears Wayfarers.

Buck either doesn’t really like sunglasses or he constantly forgets he owns them, since we’ve only seen him wear them once in 60 eps, in a move I’m pretty sure was ONLY for dramatic effect.

Hen’s sunglasses change style over the seasons like her regular glasses do, but she tends to like browline sunglasses.

Info on Christopher’s school can be found here!

There are two colors of dispatch polo, and there doesn’t seem to be any rhythm or reason for who wears what. Maroon - Maddie and Linda. Blue - Josh and May. Jamal has actually worn both maroon and blue, so it doesn’t seem to be TOTALLY set in stone although I’ve never seen anyone else switch. Sue is too badass to wear a dispatch shirt.

Both Bobby and Eddie drive 4 door pickups. Bobby’s is navy. Eddie specifically has a black, 2020 GMC Denali 1500 pickup truck (in case you want to specifically look up what the inside of it looks like or what features it has 😂)

Info on the 118’s medical certifications can be found here.

Correction to Eddie’s living situation from last post: no next door neighbors, but instead UPSTAIRS neighbors. (Pointed out by Abigail in this ask). Also since someone else was wondering the notes of the last post - no, there is absolutely no discussion on the show of whether or not Eddie rents the apartment or owns it. But based on the fact that it’s 1) LA and 2) an apartment, my guess would be he rents it.

When Maddie isn’t feeling like herself, she tends to straighten her hair rather than curl it. It seems to be more when she’s uncertain about her place in her own and other people’s lives, rather than just when she’s simply worried - eg it’s straight in 2B, when she’s uncertain if she wants to continue working as a dispatcher/is unsure about her relationship with Chim.

For work, Chim, Eddie and Buck all use black duffel bags with a LAFD patch on the top. Hen uses several different cute bags, and Bobby seems to have a plain black duffel bag.

Watches - Bobby, Athena, Chim, Hen and Buck all wear their watch on their left wrist (but Athena ONLY wears hers for work, she takes it off at home.) Eddie wears his on his right wrist, and Maddie doesn’t wear one.

Chim (and Maddie by default) literally still have the exact same couch as in the pilot. (Which means that Chim has cuddled Tatiana on that couch, AND Albert has had sex on it. TIME TO GET A NEW ONE, BUCKLEY-HANS 😂)

The 118 has five different rigs - the engine (E118), the ladder truck (T118), two ambulances and the captain’s truck. 95% of the time, when the team is chilling in the cab of a rig and chatting (eg the ‘stuck under a live telephone pole’ scene in Jinx), they’re in the engine, not the truck. (Which I personally learned recently are NOT interchangeable terms!)

Athena and Michael got married when Athena was 37.

If you’d like to give Maddie a full name beyond “Maddie”, you should use Madeline. (I know, I know, in 4x04 she says Maddie is the name on her birth certificate, and that you should never use props details if they contradict script details, but I always thought that was a super weird exchange in 4x04 which could be explained by Maddie getting a nickname since she was born when Margaret and Phillip, you know, actually loved their kids and showed it, so of course Buck doesn’t get one, and in 4x04, Maddie was trying to avoid the entire issue of why she got one and Buck didn’t. But! Do what you want, and use Madeline as the full version of Maddie if you’d like, since that’s what’s on the BOLO in 2x13 😂)

Athena’s call sign is 727 L30, but she doesn’t have a specific squad car - the number changes throughout the series.

Chim really likes chewing gum, but he’s the only one out of the entire family!

The station has an Xbox One S, and it’s white.

In the real LAFD, there are stations 1 through 114. To avoid confusion while filming on the streets (I’m assuming), our fictional LAFD never uses the number of a real station. So if you want another station for a fic, and you want something that would be real in OUR universe, use the numbers 115 and above. They’ve gone as high as 221 in our universe.

Battalions - station 118 is in Battalion 7, which is also not a battalion in real Los Angeles. The 118 has interacted w/ Battalion 1, which is a real battalion, but other ‘non-real which makes them more likely for our universe’ battalions include numbers: 3, 8, 13, 16, 19 and above.

S1 Buck knew the term Jedi, but based on context, didn’t understand AT ALL the context provided by Star Wars, so there’s another edge of his pop culture limits for you.

Chim is the most tech-savvy out of everyone, hands down.

Athena has a VERY active Twitter account.

Abuela’s house number is 8902. I don’t have a street name for you unfortunately though. :/

Athena’s favorite flowers are white roses. None of the other women are really flower people.

Michael likes to wear purple.

When they’re at a call, Buck does pretty much all of the stuff with the hammer and the saw. Eddie does all the work needed with the drill.

Harry goes to Meadowbrook Elementary.

Buck lives on the fourth floor of his apartment building, across the hall from Apt. 416. The lovely @lovelessmotel found this listing for what is more or less the apartment. What happened was: the set crew rented this apartment for the one episode at the end of s2 when Buck moved in, and then over the summer before s3 built their own set of it, and changed some things - eg giving him an island, and moving the sink to a second counter against the far wall, you can see the changes here in this amazing gif set by the awesome Austen, but the listing should let you click around a little more upstairs and figure out dimensions better than what the show provides!

When Athena and Hen go out to eat together, it’s always fast food burgers and fries.

Waffles are Athena’s favorite food, and tiramisu is her favorite dessert.

Every takeout we’ve seen Buck eat has always been in a Chinese food takeout container, and we know he likes Thai food the best. EXCEPT! The one time we see him eat takeout with Eddie and Christopher, they have pizza. So take from that what you will......

Eddie has a cell phone and a landline.

Chim is a shameless multiple texter.

Chim and Bobby sleep closest to the door in their respective bedrooms (both right side of the bed if you are standing at the foot, facing the headboard), and Athena and Maddie sleep furthest away from the door (left side).

Some canon last names for other firefighters at the station in case you wanna add more people to a fic - Mitchell, Sanchez, Serrano (woman), Porter, Meyers (woman), Maxwell, Voyta

Hen and Karen really love decorating their house with dark/red wood.

Karen is Mommy and Hen is Mama.

Bobby has a brother, and a grandmother, and that’s literally ALL we know about his family outside of Marcy and the kids.

Evidence points to Eddie being the oldest child in his family.

Karen has multiple brothers (no sisters), but no idea how many - just that one of them is named Trey, and one of them lives in LA and has kids. They might be the same brother and they might not be.

Both Hen and Athena are only children.

Athena has been on the police force for 30 years.

Christopher and Denny are the same age (born in 2011), and Harry is two years older than them.

Michael lives in apartment 308.

The bank in this universe is CalAm.

Hen and Karen have a picture of Denny, May and Harry on their fireplace mantel.

Eddie having a black thumb + a lot of plants in his living room = him buying fake plants bc he likes the aesthetic ™ or someone (cough Carla cough) is taking care of them for him.

The COVID timeline in OG’s universe is fucked up compared to the real world’s, so it shouldn’t be used as a way to measure time! They just throw it in wherever it makes sense for the story they want to tell (eg the vaccines in s4 ep 8), since s3 was both done before COVID hit but also airing while it was happening. It makes absolutely no sense for May to graduate in March nor for Chris to be going to what is specifically labeled summer camp, and the vaccine plotline was INCREDIBLY early, even for real life, so don’t use anything from that as a measure of time. I’ve found except in specific examples, eg the two tsunami episodes, it’s very safe to say every episode covers a week - fall holidays on the show line up with their real life counterparts, indicating about the same amount of time is passing for us and them.

On that note - Jee-Yun was born in late January, early February 2021. (Conceived in Pinned, which was end of March/beginning of April, meaning Maddie was around a month along at May’s graduation in May ➡ 42 weeks + 3 days from then = late Jan/early Feb. Which unfortunately means we most likely won’t see her birthday celebrated on screen. If we assume she was conceived on the date Pinned aired, aka the very sexy hotel scene, then January 21st or 22nd would be Jee’s birthday, depending on if she was born after midnight or not.

Buck has had at least one other Jeep between the one Maddie gave him, and the one he has now, which means that when he needs a new car, he is purposefully choosing Jeeps.

I hope this was all as interesting/enjoyable to you as it was to me! And just to repeat - I love answering questions so pls let me know if you have any at all ❤

🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

Tagging: @buckbuckley

[flowerbloom-arts]

Muddler please :3

EEEEEEEEEEEE okay let's do this!!

First impression: "Oh wow I can't believe the 90s series missed up his name- OMG BEST BOY"

So it all started back when I joined the fandom in September of 2020 and I was doing some very rudimentary research on the characters to make fanart and such, and that involved looking up wikifandom articles on the characters, including Joxter and Muddler. I clicked on Muddler's name from Sniff's wiki and read through it and I was very hooked until I read this line:

“However, he is a very enthusiastic person filled with love for both his belongings and others.”

- Muddler's fandom wiki

And I metaphorically slammed my hands on the metaphorical table and declared Muddler my best boy, and that's why the obsession got rolling and how I came to be as the first and active Muddler simp of the Moomin fandom.

I personally latched onto Muddler very hard and I was in a bad place at the time so I picked him up, held him above my head and ran with him beyond the desert horizon, into the orange sunset while howling and yodeling gleefully with mania.

Impression now: "M. What have I done."

He is both my baby boy and my husband but I don't like saying it that way because it sounds super weird without context or fandom mindset, but it's the most apt way of describing my relationship with him as a character.

I'm sure my content of him and my unhinged ramblings in the tags of those drawings tells you alot about how I feel about him but in case you need a summary: I need a hug from him and him specifically, I crave it, in fact, but I also wanna pat him and kiss his forehead gently to say that everything is going to be alright.

He is my number one favorite character, he is my Joxter as much as Juddler is my Snufmin.

Favorite moment: Hoooo gosh how do I pick... I haven't really thought about a favorite moment with him as much as I think about him alot, weirdly enough. I guess my favorite canon moment with him is from the 90s series where Joxter as asks M- Fuddler, how he sleeps on all his "useless junk" and he simply replies:

"These are all my valued possessions!"

And it's really iconic to me, it's like, his version of Joxter's "I don't understand signs!"

It barely answers the question posed to him, it's said so casually, and it characterizes him very straight-to-the-point.

Idea for a story: Oh body I'd be here all day to list all of the story ideas I have. My first one I ever had about him has a buddy-roadtrip adventure between him and Joxter on their way to Moominvalley for the epilogue of Memoirs.

But one story idea that I guess would really push his character would be one where Sniff makes a deal with Stinky or something, it turns into a monkey's paw situation where Stinky steals other people's stuff, it gets to Muddler and Muddler goes absolutely insane trying to find the thief going as far as to create a very elaborate trap for the thief and when he is just very irrationally angry and erratic. When he finds out why Stinky's been stealing he is absolutely pissed at Sniff but rather than taking it out of Sniff he takes it out on Stinky by kicking him out and telling him to give everything back or else, and then Muddler sits on a cliff to have a mental breakdown about his behavior.

Unpopular opinion: I think Muddler suffers from the same infantilization problem that alot of anxious or autistic and nice. Like yes of course he's cowardly, of course he would run away from danger, of course he's not the brightest bulb in the box, of course he would cry at any slight perceived against him, but his cowardice and disposition of being overly emotional comes from a place of deep trauma and fear of pain or rejection rather than the childish naivety.

Favorite relationship: I'm stuck between his relationship with Hodgkins and Joxter for this one. One is a very sweet but somewhat upsetting story of an orphan getting adopted by an emotionally distant and neurodivergent uncle and partially failing to take care of his nephew and the other is a love story that makes me soft as the woolen clouds that covered the deck of the Oshun Oxtra.

Favorite headcanon: Muddler is intersex. It's an original headcanon I came up with and it's mostly baseless aside from his terrible posture, layers of clothing and ability to reproduce with a woman, I just think it creates alot of possibilities and interesting facets that would explain some things and make things more interesting.

[pa-panda-heroes]

No one asked but take it hERE YOU GO bc I’m suffering and I just need a 2d baby to help me with my shit spine-

Megumi, Yuuji, and Nobara helping out their s/o with back issues!

Megumi:

He doesn’t know a thing about it and what it’s like, or even heard of your issue. That said, he’s quick to look it up on the internet to figure out exactly what’s goin on, what might help, and what he can help with. Really wants to help if he can’

Need your shit put back into place? Megumi’s your guy! He’ll watch dozens of videos to learn how to do it, and while he may be nervous about cracking your back and shifting things back into place, he’s a natural at it. He’s gentle with you, refraining from manhandling and yanking you around when he doesn’t need to, and he somehow knows exactly how much pressure is needed and where.

Even though he does so well, he’ll always remark a firm “You really should see a professional about it, though.” He’s just pushy like that, even though he’s always happy to help where he can. Megumi just thinks it’s better to have someone trained and licensed to do something like this.

Probably won’t be too thrilled when you ask for a massage for the first time. Again, he’s fine with learning, but he doesn’t feel apt enough and encourages you to have a pro do it. You need to be as stubborn as Nobara to convince him.

Once you do, though, he realizes it’s kinda nice. The two of you can chitchat idly about anything that comes to mind and it’s really peaceful. It’s quiet. Void of the “excitement” that daily life has, be it fighting for your life against curses or trying to keep a tight leash on Yuuji and Nobara. And if you fall asleep? He’ll swoon.

Eventually he’ll pick up on what aggravates your back and what doesn’t, as well as what helps and what doesn’t. Megumi will also quickly notice cues in your body language or demeanor that call for his help, painkillers, or a much-needed break.

If you’ve been out and about all day exorcising curses and the pain gets unbearable, asking him to carry you on his back can yield various results. If the others are around or if you’re in public, he’ll be pretty adamant you take some pain pills and rest for a little while.

It’s not that he sees it as a burden or anything; he likes that you’d ask him. However, the thought of carrying you on his back in front of other people is quite flustering to him, but if you’re actually wounded aside from your usual issue, he’ll follow along with a bit of grumbling. When no one’s around, though, he’ll offer before you can ask.

Yuuji:

You’d think he would be clueless and utterly confused, but nay! Yuuji knows lidocaine patches are a gift to this world, hot pads are a gem, and hot baths are an absolute miracle. Well, they can be. He knows that when it’s especially bad, it’s bad and your best bet is to find the most comfortable resting position as possible and leave it at that.

Sympathetic as hell. Yuuji has seen what back pain can do to someone - he saw that with his own grandfather, even if the old man’s issue was brought on by his age. While he doesn’t experience it himself, Yuuji just knows. He doesn’t know how to pop you back into place, though. The old man was stubborn about letting him do that, so he has no experience.

Great at cracking things back into place once you teach him, even if he can be a bit clumsy actually getting into position to do it. “No, you have to stand so that I’m facing you.” “Oh, so... like this, with my hands this way?” “Yuuji, sweetheart, you can’t pop my hips back into place from my knees-“

He tries so hard to help out. Whether it’s popping up out the blue (and giving you one hell of a fright) with painkillers, keeping a literal stockpile of lidocaine patches in his pockets, or constantly asking if he can “crack” you (much to the bewilderment of everyone else because he gives no context-), Yuuji nearly smothers you.

It’s cute, though, and he’s smothering you for all the right reasons! When you happen to be in the city after a job well-done, he’ll offer to buy you ice cream, “since you worked so hard today and your back is probably killing you.” “Yuuji, are you using my shit back as an excuse to gorge on sweets?!” Yes, yes he absolutely is. And with the massive puppy eyes he gives you, there’s no way you can say no.

Loves loves loves to do the thing where he hugs you from behind, squeezes real tightly, and jerks you up. He’ll say it’s because it seems to help and the relief he sees on your face afterward is wonderful to see, but it’s really because he just likes squeezing you.

Gives you piggyback rides all the time. You can refuse and tell him your back is fine to walk all you want, but it won’t work. He’ll come up with an excuse along the lines of preventing your back from getting bad. You have to somewhat admit he has a point, and he honestly does believe in that. But he’s just happy to carry you.

Horrible masseuse. Dear Fujisan keep this boy the hell away from your muscles. Popping and cracking you entails quick, hard pressure and maneuvers, while massages entail constant pressure over periods of time and slow, graceful movements. Yuuji is neither slow nor graceful. He tries so hard for you, tho

Nobara:

This poor girl has no idea what the hell is going on with you but still somehow does everything right. And she’s totally bewildered when a wild guess in the dark actually works, like.... what?? Are you sure you’re not faking it so she doesn’t feel bad for being clueless?? Y/n?? Hello??

Scared of her own shadow when it comes to helping crack you or put your back into place. Remember Noboara’s little “muri muri muri” dance when she found out Yuuji ate a cursed object? That is exactly what you get when you bring it up to her, because she’s afraid she’ll hurt you.

You will have to show her on her own body what you need before she’ll consider doing it. Or, you can taunt her. That always works! But once she’s got it down, Nobara might even ask you if you can work on her back or refer her to the chiropractor that you go to when you’re able. She’s curious to see how an adjustment could help her even though she doesn’t have any problems.

Pain killers and heating pads galore. She has so much stockpiled in her cabinet, you wonder if she eats pills like candy. In reality, she just likes to be prepared. She keeps plenty of other things of a medical nature, too. “Hey, hey, hey, y/n! Have you tried a back brace? I’ve got this kind, and this kind...”

Actually gets super interested in your condition. Nobara will scour the internet trying to learn everything she can, be it looking at x-ray samples or treatments. She even saw a video detailing the process of drilling screws and metal bars into the spine to treat scoliosis, once. Needless to say, she gets a handle of what your condition is rather effectively.

Unless you’re a fair amount under 160cm/5ft3 in height, you’re probably not getting any piggyback rides from Nobara. You can bet she’ll try, though, especially when the others (or you) tease her about it. She’ll pull it off out of hard spite, just to prove them wrong because she can do anything she puts her mind to and she’s stubborn.

Ask her for a massage. Do it. You will not regret it! Nobara’s lithe fingers are perfect for rolling out any built-up tension. She knows just what kind of pressure, where to put it, and how to move her fingers over your muscles to help reduce pain, tension, and just overall stress.

And she has fun doing it, too! She loves helping you out, and every once in a while when she’s really focused, you can catch her humming to herself with a tiny smile and cheery glint to her eyes. Nobara is surprisingly a quiet masseuse because of her intense focus, so you’ll have to do most of the talking if you feel like it.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Out Of Time ~ 31

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 2,450ish (one of the longer ones...)

Summary: Y/N speaks to Coulson. Tony sits in front of the Senate Armed Forces Committee.

Instead of going with Tony and Pepper to appear before the committee, Y/N went to the Triskelion. SHIELD’s Headquarters. She promised Pepper that she would be there before the meeting ended, but needed to make a stop. As she walked into the lobby, she spotted Phil.

“Agent Coulson,” she called, jogging up to him. 

“Agent Rogers,” he greeted, with a small smile. “What are you doing here?”

“I called Fury a few weeks ago about an issue with Stark, and still haven’t heard anything. So I came to see why.”

“Oh, Fury did inform me about that.”

Y/N folded her arms over her chest. “So he has time to inform you and not get back to me?” 

“He has his reasons. The Director always does.” Coulson glanced down at his wrist watch. “I have to get going, or I’ll be late.” He started walking away.

“Where are you going?” Y/N inquired, following him.

“Where you should be. Watching Mr. Stark in front of the Senate committee.”

“Great! You can take me with you then. Plus, I know you know more then what you’re letting on, so I’ll use the car ride there to get it out of you. Are we taking Lola?”

“No, we are not taking Lola. Last time I let you near her, she got scratched up.”

“It was an accident! And it was also, literally, one scratch.”

“Still a scratch,” Coulson said as he held the door open for Y/N.

“All you men are cry babies when it comes to things like that. Tony got on me the other day for breathing near one of the suits. I’m so over it.”

  “I thought you two were getting along?”

“We were, until I started questioning him about what was wrong.” Phil stopped at a black SUV, getting into the driver seat while Y/N got into the passenger. “Tony knows I know that there’s something wrong, he just doesn’t want to admit it. So he’s pushing me away,” Y/N sighed, putting her seat belt on.

Coulson began driving off, silently. Y/n could tell though, by the way he was holding onto the steering wheel, that something was bothering him. Or at least on his mind.

“Just say it,” Y/N demanded. “You have something on your mind. So just let it out.”

“You have feelings for him,” Phil immediately said.

Y/N’s head snapped to fully look at Phil, who wouldn’t look away from the road. “What?”

“You have feelings for Tony Stark. I knew it the moment I saw you hovering over him after the incident at Stark Industries.”

“I don’t have feel—“

“Don’t lie to me, Y/N. You know you’ve never been able to.”

“Phil, I—“

“When Fury told me about you requesting to stay with Stark, it was just a confirmation of what I knew. What I had seen. I told Fury that you should be pulled and to put in someone else, but he said that it would be good for you. I…” Coulson sighed, shaking his head. “I think you need to quit this, Y/N.”

“Are you serious? What have I done to prove that anything, let alone emotions, have interfered with my job?! Gosh! I… I can’t even believe you.”

“You haven’t done anything yet. But there might come a time when you have to choose between him and the mission. Or, what happens when you need to be honest with him? You’re a Rogers, Y/N, not a Barnes. You were born in 1918. You fell from a plane trying to save the world and woke up in a new age. Stark’s going to need to know all of this, or he’ll find out. One way or another.”

“He knows bits and pieces,” Y/N whispered after a few seconds of silence. “Tony knows I have a twin. That him and his best friend died. He knows that I was in love with my brother’s best friend. And he knows that I burned my hand on a power source and fell from a plane…. I’ve kept all the details from him hidden though…”

“Do you know if he even feels the same? Do you?” It was silent for what felt like eternity until Coulson spoke up again. “Admit it, Y/N/N. At least to yourself if not to me.” Coulson parked the car, having arrived that the location of the meeting. “I know you probably don’t want to admit it. But do you have feelings for him because of who the man actually is? Or just he remind you of someone else you used to love?” Coulson stepped out of the car. “He’s not Bucky, Y/N. In more ways than one.” Then he shut the car door and walked off.

Y/N sat there frozen in the passenger seat. Was it really that obvious that she had feelings for Tony? And, is Tony really that much like Bucky? Yes, they both know—knew how to charm the ladies. But other than that… She shook her head and jumped out of the car. She couldn’t let this stop her from doing her mission. Y/N paused right in front of the building. What was her mission anymore? Just making sure that Tony Stark didn’t try to ruin the world with his Iron Man suits? Had she really become just a babysitter?

Inside the building, the meeting had started, though it hadn’t gotten very far. Tony kept looking back to see if Y/N had gotten there yet. He felt bad driving off, leaving her on the curb. But she had been asking too many questions, she was going to find out what he was hiding. Tony Stark was dying. The core in his arc reactor, that was keeping him alive, was also killing him. So not only did he believe that he had to push her away so that she wouldn’t find out, he believed that it would be easier on him. Tony would never be able to admit it aloud, but he had developed feelings for her. And he couldn’t stand the thought of giving her hope and then dying on her. (Though unbeknownst to him, JARVIS already spilled the beans.)

Looking back once again, he couldn’t see any sign of her. Tony looked disappointed as Pepper, from a few rows back, tried to get him to turn back around.

“Mr. Stark,” Senator Stern called. He was over the committee that wanted the Iron Man suit in the governments hands. “Could we pick up now where we left off?” 

Tony ignored him. Y/N quickly entered the room and found a seat next to Pepper. He tried to give her a small smile, but she refused to look at him. 

“Mr. Stark, please,” the Senator requested, again.

“Yes, dear?” Tony said, turning to face the committee.

“Can I have your attention?” The Senator asked.

“Absolutely.”

“Do you or do you not possess a specialized weapon?”

“I do not.”

“You do not?”

“I do not. Well, it depends on how you define the word weapon.”

“The Iron Man weapon.”

“My device does not fit that description.”

“Well… how would you describe it?”

“I would describe it by defining it as what it is, Senator.”

“As?”

“It’s a high-tech prosthesis. That is… that is… That’s actually the most apt description I can make of it.”

“It’s a weapon. It’s a weapon, Mr. Stark.”

“Please, if your priority was actually the well-being of the American citizen—“

“My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America.”

“Remind me again why we could ask the lawyers to do this?” Y/N leaned over and whispered to Pepper.

“He said he could handle himself,” Pepper sighed. She looked around the room. “I see Agent Coulson. You remember, from SHIELD?”

“Yes,” Y/N nodded.

“I’m going to see if he has any ideas about how to handle this.” She picked up her bag and headed to the back of the room, where Coulson was standing and watching. Y/N kept her focus on the proceedings.

“—depending on what state you’re in. You can’t have it,” Tony stated.

“Look, I’m no expert—“

“In prostitution? Of course not. You’re a Senator, come on.” Tony turned around as the crowd laughed. He met Y/N’s unapproving  stare. “No?” He mouthed. She just shook her head.

“I’m no expert in weapons,” Stern continued, causing Tony to turn back around. “We have somebody here who is an expert on weapons. I’d now like to call Justin Hammer, our current primary weapons contractor.”

Every turned to see Justin Hammer come in from the side and take a seat at the tables in front.

“Let the record reflect that I observed Mr. Hammer entering the chamber,” Tony began, “and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance.” 

“Absolutely. I’m no expert. I defer to you, Anthony,” Justin started. “You’re the wonder boy. Senator, if I may.” Justin stood up and moved infant of the tables. “I may well not be an expert, but you know who was the expert? Your dad.”

“Howard Stark. Really a father to us all, and to the military-industrial age. Let’s just be clear, he was no flower child. He was a lion. We all know why we’re here. In the last six months, Anthony Stark has created a sword with untold possibilities. And yet, he insists it’s a shield. He asks us to trust him as we cower behind it. I wish I were comforted, Anthony, I really do. I’d love to leave my door unlocked when I leave the house, but this ain’t Canada. You know, we live in a world of grave threats, threats that Mr Stark will not always be able to foresee. Thank you. God bless Iron Man. God bless America.”

“That was well said Mr. Hammer,” Stern complimented. “The committee would now like to invite Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes to the chamber.”

“Rhodey? What?” Tony questioned, looking around. “Did you know?” He mouthed to Y/N, who nodded her head in response. Tony stood up and met Rhodey half way down the aisle. “Hey, buddy,” he greeted. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Look, it’s me, I’m here,” Rhodey responded as the made their way to the front. “Deal with it. Let’s move on.”

“I just—“

“Drop it.”

“All right, I’ll drop it.” The two sat down.

“I have before me a complete report on the Iron Man weapon,” Stern began, “complied by Colonel Rhodes. And, Colonel, for the record, can you please read page 57, paragraph four?”

“You’re requesting that I read specific sections from my report, Senator?” Rhodey questioned.

“Yes, sir.”

“It was my understanding that I was going to be testifying in a much more comprehensive and detailed manner.”

“I understand. A lot of things have changed today. So if you could just read—“

“You do understand that reading a single paragraph out of context does not reflect the summary of my final—“

“Just read it, Colonel. I do. Thank you.”

“Very well. ‘As he does not operate within any definable branch of government, Iron Man presents a potential threat to the security of both the nation and to her interests.’ I did however, go on to summarize that the benefits of Iron Man far outweigh three liabilities and that it would be in our interest—“

“That’s enough Colonel.”

“—to fold Mr. Stark—“

“That’s enough.”

“—into the existing chain of command, Senator.”

“I’m not a joiner, but I’ll consider Secretary of Defense,” Tony added, “if you ask nice.” Various crowd members laughed as Y/N rolled her eyes. “We can amend the hours a little bit.”

“I’d like to go on and show, if I may, the imagery that’s connected to your report,” Stern requested.

“I believe it is somewhat premature to reveal these images to the general public at this time,” Rhodey stated.

“With all due respect, Colonel, I understand. And If you could just narrate those for us, we’d be very grateful. Let’s have the images.” A man moved near the tv, pulling up images of groups of people trying to recreate the Iron Man suit. 

“Intelligence suggests that the devices seen in these photos are, in fact, attempts at making manned copies of Mr. Stark’s suit,” Rhodey narrated. “This has been corroborated by our allies and local intelligence on the ground, indicating that these suits are quite possibly, at this moment, operational.”

“Hold on a second, buddy,” Tony called, doing something with his Stark device. Suddenly the screens changed, being controlled by Tony. “Boy, I’m good. I commandeered your screens. I need them. Time for a little transparency.”

“What is he doing?” Senator Stern questioned.

“If you will direct you attention to said screens, I believe that’s North Korea.”

“Can you turn that off? Take it off.”

“Iran.”

“No grave threat here. Is that Justin Hammer? How did Hammer get in the game? Justin, you’re on TV. Focus up.”

“Okay, give me a left twist,” Justin’s voice came through the speakers. “Left’s good. Turn to the right. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.” Justin, in the video, lost control. But before anything else could be shown, Justin found the TV plug and unplugged it.

“Wow. yeah, I’d say most countries, five, ten years away,” Tony stated. “Hammer Industries, twenty.”

“I’d like to point out that that test pilot survived,” Justin interrupted, trying to save himself.

“I think we’re done, is the point that he’s making,” Stern said. “I don’t think there’s any reason—“

“The point is, you’re welcome, I guess,” Tony said.

“For what?”

“Because I’m your nuclear deterrent. It’s working. We’re safe. America is secure.” Tony slipped on his sunglasses. “You want my property? You can’t have it. But I did you a big favor.” He stood up and turned to face the crowd. “I’ve successfully privatized world peace.” He held his arms out, making peace signs with both of his hands. 

The crowd all stood up, talking at once. Y/N followed, not surprised that Tony made this all about himself. He began making his way down the aisle, shaking hands as he went. “What more do you want? For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns.”

Rhodey looked back at Y/N. The both of them shared a look that they were done with Tony not taking things seriously.

next chapter >

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[lucidpantone]

I was gonna ask about this at the time, but didn’t- it felt like Luka mentioning the stuff about dorms was suppose to be relevant information- at the time I thought it was possibly about Yasmina’s brother to explain him living at home, but now I’m guessing it’s more to do with the Sobbe subplot, particularly where Sander lives?

similar anon: oh my god you've made the 🍿 worth it

Fucking Finally!!!!!!

I have been trying to crack the sobbe plot for some time as most of us have but for me its been a bit different because I have a rough count of the times they have been scheduled to film closed and honestly its added up at this point.

This plot has driven me up the wall trying to figure it out because this is what I do figure out plots or how they are connected. Anyways so I thought if sobbe isn’t filming publicly and lets say one or two scenes is a group scene like a party and one clip is pov we still have at least 2-3 closed set scenes unaccounted for that have been shot so I kept thinking back to the dreaded pinterest leaks and then an anon sent me a clue and then the crew kept filming at the university. Anyways after lots of twist and turns and lots of minuit inconsequential details I think I got an angle. Here we go here is my theory with some confirmed spoilers included.

spoilers/theories after the cut

Ok so Younes lives in kot housing. Kot housing to me was explained as “Student accommodation saved especially for students but is a regular house and you can have studio rooms or roommates and a shared kitchen”. So basically dorms where you can share a 3bed apt or get your own studio but its a converted house and all the residents are students. Anyhow I got an anon like a week or so back and it was a random address in Antwerp and I told you guys dont send me stuff like that because it scares me and it goes in the trash immediately. Anyways it was the same day people in the tag were talking about the film crew possibly on a street with student housing in Borgerhout. I just ignored that anon and continued on my day but then when someone confirmed Younes is in kot housing, the pinterest boards and this tiny tiny leak a few weeks back about the team looking for a particular film location it kinda of click. Luckily tumblr sends a copy of all my anons to my email and I had to go digging in my virtual trash to find that damn anon with the address and wouldnt you know Kots in Borgerhout. I think this is where they have been filming and boy oh boy have they kept that shit undercover. I think the crew covered it up by saying it was a Younes film location which it is but I think Sander and Younes are either neighbors or maybe even live in the same flat. I could be wrong but they are so many signs. Because I kept thinking where the fuck are all these closed sets happening and this is where I think they have been happening.Also I think they film them at weird times because so many extras see the willems coming and going but never filming. I think they either filmed super early or super late. Basically completely off schedule. Anyways thats my theory I can never 100% confirm something but I have to many small clues to not at least be heading in the right direction. Also folks please do not send me addresses or phone numbers in anons with no context. Its actually pretty scary receiving stuff like that because you have to remember I am not Belgian. I have absolutely no context to what your sending me. Its like me sending you a random address in nyc and a random number like it would be super creepy. Just write a short anon giving me a general neighborhood and idea you dont have to give me the pinpoint details. If there is something to find, just drop me in the middle of the crowd and I’ll find my way out. Also I think if i am right this confirms that sobbe does move in together at the end because Robbe is starting his uni life so now am sure they end up moving in together because my brain tells me Robbe probably basically lives at Sander’s kot now so makes sense they get a place the next academic year together.

[melancholic-pigeon]

WIP Wednesday #12

Set shortly after Percy and Jason meet in freshman year of high school (14/15 years old). Content warnings for domestic violence, child neglect and abuse, alcoholism and food insecurity.

"That's horrifying. You know that's horrifying, right? Please tell me you know that's horrifying." 

Sally hears Percy's voice before she gets to the kitchen. She's heard it like that before, and it never means anything good. 

She makes her footfalls heavier so that the boys aren't startled by her approach. She's ready to appear in the doorway and smile like she didn't hear a thing and ask them how their studying is going and if they'd like a snack— but Percy cuts her off before she can even open her mouth. 

"Can Jason borrow you for a second? I'm trying to prove a point." 

She looks at the two of them, textbooks and notepads and mechanical pencils spread out on the table. From the work on the paper, they haven't done much more than they had the last time she checked in, an hour or so ago. 

Percy's frenetic, though he's trying to hide it. She doesn't know Jason all that well yet, but he's sitting very still, and she gets the feeling he's holding something in, too.

"If he'd like to, certainly." She rinses out her mug and puts on the kettle, her back to them so that Jason has a second to think about it. "Hot cocoa or tea?" 

When she turns around, his face has changed. Not by much, but she can see a tiny shade of nervousness. 

"Cocoa, please. Thank you." 

He's almost painfully polite, much more so than a fourteen year old boy should be in such a casual setting. She keeps hearing her son in her head, and tries not to speculate on what he found horrifying. 

"It really wasn't that bad." 

"I'm gonna make the cocoa." Percy gets up from the table in an explosive movement. "Because otherwise, I'm just gonna interrupt you every two seconds to tell you that it was worse than you're making it out to be."

Jason rolls his eyes, but it makes him relax a little, too. 

"I never said the whole thing wasn't bad, just that I didn't suffer. All of the really terrible parts happened to Thalia, not me. She made sure of that." 

Percy makes an indignant noise. There's a picture starting to form in Sally's head, patchworking together from the pieces she already has, and she doesn't like it. 

"You don't have to say anything until you're ready, sweetheart." 

She doesn't even think about it. It's second nature with Percy's friends by now. Jason, she reminds herself, has only been around for four months; his eyes widen, like it's the first time anyone has ever called him that. 

Maybe it is. Maybe that's why he's so nervous. 

Percy clatters around behind them. She can hear the kettle starting to rumble and the soft exhalation from across the table. 

"It seriously wasn't," Jason repeats, like he's trying to assure himself more than Sally. 

She can remember thinking the same thing, going through the same process, telling herself that at least her first husband only used his fists. 

"Tell her what you told me," Percy insists over the clinking of the spoon as he stirs the cocoa. 

Jason meets Sally's eyes, with a vulnerability she hasn't seen him wear so plainly.

"I don't know how much Thalia's said about it. I'd assume not a whole lot. There's stuff she still won't tell me, either." 

"She's trying to protect you." Percy puts Jason's mug across from him and takes his seat again. "And she's allergic to sharing her anxieties, for a much better reason than I thought." 

"It's a habit. She was maybe nine years old, tops, when she started shoving it all down." Jason frowns, running his fingers over the handle of his mug. "I didn't have a clue how bad it actually was, because she hid it from me. All I knew was that when Mom was gone for a while, we'd play a game where we'd hunt for all of her empty bottles and cans, and Thalia would let me win and take us to the gas station and buy me a snack as a prize so I wouldn't whine at her while she was getting the rest of our groceries." 

There aren't really any good possibilities in a situation like this, but Sally's heart still plummets into her gut. 

"He thought it was fun," Percy mutters darkly. "Like a field trip where he got treats, instead of his third-grade sister stealing, skipping meals and collecting booze receptacles to exchange for coin deposits because their mom was too busy getting plastered to feed them and their dad cared more about his reputation than the welfare of his children."

There are a million things she could say, including every word that's come out of Percy's mouth so far. He's looking at her, weighed down by the same helpless rage he often carries when they talk about things like this. She feels it too, just as bitterly, though she's no longer apt to show it on her face like that.

"That's awfully young to be left on your own," she tells Jason, taking his hand. She can feel her eyes stinging as he squeezes back, hard, his jaw held tense. "And kids notice. It was hard on you, too, even if you didn't know why." 

She feels Percy grab her free hand under the table. She'd tried everything she could think of to shelter him— and all he learned from it was how to keep his own secrets from her. 

If she hadn't found his stash of concealer and powder, she'd never have known he'd somehow learned the same trick she used. If he hadn't walked in on her with the palettes in her hands and tears streaming down her face, he never would have known it wasn't just him.

They don't keep secrets anymore. It's terrifying, but it's worth it; with honesty comes trust, and now Percy doesn't try to hide when something's wrong. At least not with her. 

"Sometimes I wonder if that's why she's so tiny." Jason stares into his cocoa, still holding onto Sally's hand. "I don't think I went to bed hungry more than once or twice. Thalia used to do it all the time. She'd tell me she ate while I was asleep, and since I was, like, two, I didn't know any better but to believe her." 

Suddenly, Sally understands why Thalia was crying so hard.

("He's gotten so tall— I couldn't feel his ribs—")

She can still vividly remember staring at the cupboards while her little boy clawed at her leg, realizing there wasn't enough for them both and she was still two days away from getting paid. She went that long once, and only broke her fast because she fainted at work. 

Her manager— one of the rare good ones she'd had— had kept her clocked in, hauled ass across the street to buy her a peanut butter milkshake and made her sit in his office and rest for the remainder of her shift. After that, he worked hard to push through the promotion that the store manager kept finding excuses to avoid, and with it came enough of a pay raise that she didn't have to do it more than once or twice a month. 

She'd been twenty-four at the time. Thalia wasn't even in double digits, apparently.

"I'm okay, Ms. Jackson. It was a long time ago." 

She realizes she's tearing up only when Jason cuts through her thoughts. He's smiling, and he really does look healthy and cared for, if a little coltish.

"Honey." She lets go of his hand to grip his shoulder, her grip almost as tight as her throat. "I'm not your teacher. I'm a friend who wishes she could go back in time and adopt you. Please call me Sally." 

It lightens the mood like a match illuminating total darkness. Jason slumps in the chair with a breathless laugh, glancing nervously at her. 

"It's a hard habit to break, but I'll try." 

She wants nothing more than to pull him into a hug, but she doesn't want to spook him. She smiles back at him instead, as warmly as she can possibly manage.

"Trying at all is something to be proud of." 

-Untitled WIP from Sally's POV! stellarverse AU, shortly after Jason and Percy meet freshman year of high school. Some additional excerpts of published fics for context below the cut.

On the one hand, it makes him giddy to expose Jason to unconditional parental support, but on the other, the fact that he has to go to Percy's parents for that support because he can't get it from his own is spittle-frothingly rage-inducing. 

When they're at home, the only thing they have to worry about is not getting too handsy in front of the baby or scarring Percy's parents for life, or at most, doing the dishes because Jason felt it was his duty as guest. He'd vehemently insist, saying it was the only way he could think of to express his gratitude, which would make Percy's mom tear up and hug him tight and tell him that being good to her firstborn was all the thanks she needed. 

She's always liked Jason, and she's always worried about him, too. She's certainly heard enough of Percy's ranting to stay on top of the situation, and was already known for remembering everything she's ever been told about someone's tragic backstory. Jason, like most of Percy's friends, was desperately lacking that energy in his life, and by the third visit he'd given her a rundown of his entire life history. 

I feel like I can tell her anything, he'd said to Percy later, thrown off his game by a particularly raw word-vomit. Every bit of it is massively unfair–that Jason's stepmother takes out her anger over her spouse's infidelity on the children who'd had no choice in being born, that his father didn't care enough about him to do anything more than show up once or twice a month and give him a blistering, vaguely threatening lecture, that his mother had barely even remembered he existed, and only by enough to make herself look more pitiable. 

Most upsetting of all was that his sister–seven or eight years old then–had essentially been forced to parent him through toddlerhood by herself, because no one else was paying enough attention to stop a two-year-old from trying to give himself a lip piercing with a stapler. Half the time, nobody else was paying enough attention to feed him, either.

It makes Percy want to throw something out a window. Fortunately for everyone, while she's in agreement, his mom has a lot more experience in channeling her anger productively than he does, and isn't prone to agitating herself into letting it boil over. She focuses instead on making her apartment the coziest, homiest place she possibly can, on showering Jason with all of the maternal adoration and pride he'd been missing out on, and letting him know he could show up on her doorstep at three in the morning without notice and she'd welcome him inside with open arms and a mug of hot tea. 

- I Guess You're Just What I Needed

Thalia had made a game out of collecting the recyclables strewn over the floor, which just meant that she'd cheer him on and make a huge celebratory fuss when he found something plastic. The glass and aluminum were 'big-kid stuff', so she didn't have to worry about him hurting himself on sharp edges or hard surfaces; she diverted his desire to be just like her by pretending his contributions were heavier, so he could feel like he was helping. 

She'd gather them all up in a little red wagon and take Jason to the convenience store down the street to exchange their loot for deposits. His job had been putting the plastic in the machine, one at a time, while she held him up so he could reach. They'd put the change in a coffee can, already rattling with whatever bills and coins she'd found in the mess of the apartment, and use it to re-load the wagon with as much prepackaged, shelf-stable food as it would get them. 

Sometimes, they'd get someone nice behind the counter who asked where their parents were and went thin-lipped when she tried to deflect it by lying that their mother had a migraine, and they'd end up with twice as much food as they had money for. Those trips always made Thalia more nervous, and she'd tended to startle every time the doorbell rang for at least a week afterwards. 

Back then, the routine felt normal, even pleasant; he learned quickly to associate it with a full belly and a feeling of safety. Like so many of his scars, he hadn't realized how deep it was until he related the story in the Jackson-Blofis kitchen, Sally's eyes filling with tears as she took his hand and squeezed until it hurt.

-We Should Have Each Other With Cream, chapter 11

See also my "thundersibs" tag.

[entropy-game-dev]

Getting organised in 2021

Huh, me? No I mean you! You!

I'm sure many people are looking ahead to 2021, and, with the new year comes renewals of goals, habits, motivation and so forth. I'm not really about that, but I thought now would be an apt time to talk about what I've learnt over the past 2 years regarding project management and keeping motivated. 

Now, I want to preface this blog with my thoughts about the whole "productivity" thing. I make a huge, HUGE distinction between being productive at work and productive on your hobbies. The idea of productivity in the workplace can be used in a manipulative fashion, where one may work themselves to mental and physical exhaustion for the benefit of someone else. Considering most people reading this will probably be on a fixed wage (rather than commission-based), does it really make sense to push oneself harder without getting any immediate, tangible benefit from it?

So that’s my rant for the blog, I promise! Anyway, on the other hand we have productivity on your hobbies, which is a completely different matter. You get out exactly 100% of what you put into your hobby, and it'll benefit you in multiple ways. I don't think I need to sell this to you, as I'm sure most people, myself included, would love to be more productive on their own personal projects. In this blog, I'm going to be talking exclusively about this sort of productivity and how to improve it in a couple of different ways. Again, this is all stuff I've personally tried and tested, so while I am confident this approach will work for me, it may not necessarily work for you. But, you won't know until you try!! So if you're convinced and want to get motivated, read on!

I first want to talk about one's mindset, and then dive into the tools I use. The latter will provide a bit more context for the former, and in the end, the most powerful tool you have is your brain, so use it!

Training your brain

So, the biggest problem I find myself, and other people have, is how to tackle a project and starting a work session. One I start, I find it easy to get into the zone (and this comes back to the choice of tools that augment my workflow), so getting started and knowing what I'm doing is the main thing I have to tackle. 

On the broadest level, I work with a general plan that has been written up previously. This contains all the key points from start to finish, without worrying too much about the detail at this stage. There is some skill involved in identifying what constitutes a "key" point, but this all comes down to practice. For reference, if I estimate something will take a week or two to finish, that's a task. If something will take longer than that, it's more than likely several tasks, and rolling it up into one task will probably cause some decision paralysis. Anything smaller and your list will get too clogged up, and again, decision paralysis. Right, so that's your high level plan done. Cool, but not really going to help you on a day-to-day basis as this will be something to refer to between tasks.

Ok, so now you have a list of chronological tasks. Take the first one and start it. Oh, you don't know where to start? Don't worry, I'm with you. It's important to recognise the mental signs related to approaching a task. If I find myself hesitating or not looking forward to a particular task, it often means I haven't defined it well enough. That means breaking the task down into individual steps, until you're comfortable saying "yep, I can do this right now" with each dot point. Again, it'll take some practice (depending on your hobby) to visualise and write down each step, but it is definitely something that you get used to, and will save you so much time umming and aahing with your program of choice open, but not actually getting any work done. If you are finding that happens more often than not, it breaks your workflow and you can't get into the zone!

A few more general tips. It helps to be consistent with your work. Try to dedicate a regular time to your hobby and you'll find it a lot easier to get into the working mindset and the zone. Allow yourself some days off, but don't use the excuse of "not being motivated enough" as a reason to take time off. What would be better is, if you can't force yourself to, say, program, work on the art, or the sound, or design. But do it consistently! 

Be accountable as well. This means involving others as much as you can - as an example, say you want to discuss a design aspect with a friend and you'll find extra motivation to work on that aspect, and get it ready for someone else to read over. Just having that knowledge of another person looking at your work will bring it to a new level, trust me! You can also be held accountable to people you don't know! Part of the reason why I started this blog and my Twitter account was because I always have in the back of my mind while working, that it'll eventually make its way to my blog. 

Finally, if your hobby has one, make use of the community where possible - get involved and see if there are ready made templates or resources you can use. I know people like to do things without help, and I absolutely respect that, but I find that people have often gone through the same struggles as you, and will provide ways to make your life easier!

Tools of the trade

Ok so I've used a lot of different software and systems in my time, and by process of natural selection the ones that I still use today are the ones that have been most helpful for me! Here's a short list with both the specific thing I use, and in brackets, what I use it for. If you already use something similar that fill a similar role, then my suggestion is to stick with what you know:

ClickUp (Project management, checklists): This is where I keep a list of all my major tasks. You can have checklists nested in checklists which is amazing for planning, and can organise things into broad categories, and tons more. Any good project management software like Trello etc. should support this.

Google Drive (Cloud storage of other assets, easy sharing, MS office replacement): I use this to store anything that isn't code related, and to work on things simultaneously with other people. While this game is a mostly solo effort, I absolutely discuss and show a ton of stuff to my more experienced friends, who in turn provide very helpful feedback. It's much nicer and more organised than sending files through a messaging app or (heaven forbid) emails!

Bitbucket (Source control, cloud storage of code): If you code, you need this. I don't care how small your project is! Actually, smaller projects are better to learn from! Github is definitely used the most for source control, so if you like that more, use it!

Google Keep (Note taking, brain dumps): Ever had a genius idea right before bed? Same, and I use Google Keep to keep track of them. I could use Clickup in this instance but I find the app to be a bit clunky compared to Keep.

Notepad++ (Rapid notes, copypasting error messages): Notepad ++ is what I use mainly for copypasting error messages to look at later, but I also use it when I need to break down a sub-task down, or make a note to do something later without interrupting my flow. The fact that Notepad++ specificaly can have multiple tabs and will save your tabs automatically without you having to manually save it is amazing.

Good 'ol pen and paper (Scratchpad): For those REALLY hard problems that can't be solved in my head, I turn to pen and paper to get my thoughts organised. While I could use something like Notepad++, I find that being able to write and draw anywhere on the paper, and link things up with lines helps immensely to get a clear idea of things.

Summing up

Right, so, that's about it from me. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on something I've mentioned here, feel free to leave a comment or an ask. In any case, I hope you’re feeling more motivated now, and all the best for your personal projects in 2021!

P.S. I've know I’ve been a bit quiet lately because I'm working on designing the five factions present in the demo - I can't reveal much lore about them (as those will be in logs you'll find in-game), but I will be showing off some more designs and gameplay mechanics in the near future, so look forward to it!

[welcometomy20s]

January 10th, 2021

Action Button Review

Review

Tim Rogers reminds me of Hank Green. They are about the same age, they look about the same age which is a combination of young and old that feel eternal. They also have the same length of experience in writing in online spaces, interest in Japanese media, and apparently have Crohn’s disease? In summary, he might be the closest equivalent to Dave Green that exists in the real world. Well, I guess Dave Green is not apt, as Dave Green is not special in a way, while Tim Rogers is special, but his speciality comes from his failures rather than his counterparts' success.

Tim Rogers is a hypothetical Green brother who did not decide to publish that book. He’s a hypothetical Green brother who went to Japan instead of Alabama or Florida. Whose project crashed and burned rather than a surprise success. He’s forged in fire while the Green brothers are eroded by water. Both are wonderful people, but with a different ground of intensity and differing wealth of wisdom.

I encountered this series because I found a twitter post about a six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial, and a white middle-aged man talking about a dating sim for six hours with laudatory blurbs would always pique my interest, but since I didn’t know the guy, I went ahead and looked if he made other videos, and found he has four other review that were all about three hours or more. Now I knew that I had to watch all the reviews to prepare myself for this six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial.

Now, I wasn’t a stranger to three hour reviews of video games. I watched Joseph Anderson, Raycevick, Whitelight, matthewmatosis, and Noah Gervais-Caldwell. In fact, in the comments below Action Button Reviews, many people talked about a comparison to Noah Gervais-Caldwell (and Brian David Gilbert) and that was quite funny since I actually watched a recent Noah Gervais-Caldwell video.

His first two reviews were perfunctory, him opening himself up and trying out new things and polishing his review style, as he went through the Final Fantasy VII remake and The Last of Us. While I watched The Last of Us, I distinctly remembered and contrasted Noah’s The Last of Us Part 2 review with Tim Roger’s The Last of Us review. I liked Tim Roger’s defense of interactive movies (although he denies it!) contrasted with more cynical but ultimately positive connotation in Noah’s review. And Noah’s thesis pairs nicely with Tim’s observation that Ellie was the main protagonist all along. That fact makes Part 2 much more understandable, even the bad parts.

When I finished watch his first two reviews, I went ahead and also watched several of Tim’s videos on Kotaku, which were slightly shorter, the longest being just over an hour, which is a review of the best games in 1994, and does contain a short segment about Tokimeki Memorial, which his six hour review was my destination. To put in context, Tokimeki Memorial was #3. #1 was Earthbound, #2 was Final Fantasy VI, and #4 was Super Metroid. And I just watched a playthrough of Super Metroid basically on a whim, because it’s a monumental and a great game to play and watch.

And while the segment of the games that I knew to be great and monumental in my absorption of knowing video games was deeply personal and rightly claimed its stake that it deserved its spot, his segment of Tokimeki Memorial never got there. It was almost as if he was deliberately hiding behind something. In the end of 1994 review, Tim pitched an idea about a three hour Earthbound review, which probably was Tim’s idea of floating a departure from Kotaku, which would happen two months later, and I wonder if he was trying to deliberately throw a curveball by making a video of Tokimeki Memorial instead of the promised Earthbound review. This may be a far leap, I admit.

I went back and watched the video about Doom. It was much better in quality and in darkness. I was reminded of Film Crit Hulk’s writing of The World’s End and James Bond, another very long essay that was deeply personal and chapter for easier consumption. Few commenters noticed that Tim Rogers was just doing a dramatic reading of his written reviews on Kotaku and Action Button dot net, and how they liked that approach, and I found myself liking that approach as well. You might believe a video review needs more than just reading an essay out loud, but just the act of reading an essay out loud in the correct intonation and inflection adds ton to experience. And Tim Rogers sounds like he has decades worth of experience to present a dramatic reading of his essay very effectively, much like Hank Green.

I continued scaling the mountain to my goal. I went through his review of Pac-Man and was delighted by his reading of Namco games, and was impressed by the opening sequence, and just generally enjoyed it. I was getting excited to set a day aside and let the six hour review of Tokimeki Memorial watch over me and reduce me to dust.

And it sure did. That six hours was a harrowing experience. What Tim Rogers is best at is telling a story, and so to go through a let’s play was a wish I never made, fulfilled. In the end, I was left with nothing and everything. It was like finishing a really good book.

I wanted to watch it again, then again I never wanted to watch it again. It was almost a traumatic experience. Tim talked about there being endless variation of love, and the love Tim Rogers went through was not the fluffy yet melancholic one that I craved, but one akin to a devotion of an eldritch god. Love made in justification for one’s efforts in attending and maintaining a relationship. A love stronger than most kinds of love, but most draining and taxing as well. Tim Roger’s synopsis of Tennis Monster reminded me of Asking for It by Louise O’Neill, which is also about empathizing a quite hateable character because we kind of have to. Apparently one person knows the full plot because Tim Rogers rambled on about it as he was couch surfing in his house, and unbelieve as it usually is, I fully trust that the commenter is telling the truth.

I was like a heroin addict, who really wanted a different hit, like talking to friends or hiking, my mother wanted me to go hiking with her, and I didn’t because, after the pandemic started, all I wanted to be was inside. Outside felt diseased. The air outside felt contaminated to me, hard to breathe. I was stuck in this place.

Tim Rogers is an exceptional figure. He seems to be a movie protagonist, he reminds me of The Librarian, played by Noah Wyle. Tim has eidetic memory, as he has access every single autobiographical memory formed, but not other types of memory. We know that those types of memory are different because of people like Tim and people who are opposite of Tim, someone who has no memories of autobiographical memory but otherwise fine. These people tend to have very few emotions and have a hard time deciding things. Lack of emotions is correlated with difficulty in decision making.

So Tim is the opposite of that, Tim is full of emotions, complex emotions and he can make decisions and carry it out in a snap. He would be good at school, and he was, but he would be too focused on his grandeur to be under some authority, which is how he became who he was. His anti-authoritarian nature rings throughout his reviews, highlight the general Generation X vibe that Tim exudes but also the modern socialistic movement of Generation Z, which adds to this odd mix of old and new.

Not only does Tim have eidetic memory and intense work ethic that he never seems to move away from, therefore making a three hour video masterpiece at a clip that seems unbelievable for a seasoned viewer, he also has exceptional skills in fast math and language, he seems to be at least familiar with dozens of languages, and of course Tim’s experience is bounded by his decade of living in Japan.

I think this is why Tim naturally gravitates towards video games. When Tim says ‘welcome to video games’ there’s a natural supposition that Tim Rogers is the protagonist of video games, and I think he is. Tim wants to be in video games, because he needs to be in video games, instead of some almighty god cruelly deciding to plop him into a real life. He should be an video game adaptation of The Librarian and go on world-spanning adventure and romance impossibly beautiful girls instead of toiling the grime of what real life portends to. His life is dramatic, but impossibly mundane as well. It’s a simulacrum of a movie or a video game, which is pretty cool on its own.

But of course Tim Rogers isn’t the only part of Action Button Reviews. In the ensuing five videos, Tim Rogers tries to do something. Video games are a wide net. There is so much to video games, something like Gone Home and Geometry Dash are included alongside Wolfenstein The New Colossus and Farmville. What makes a video game? Actually, the more interesting question is, why do we have the term ‘video games’? Why do we put all of this mess into a single category, as if there is some throughline.

Tim Rogers starts to do that. Tim Rogers boldly states that things like Doom and Tokimeki Memorial are intimately connected to each other. And that all video games are in conversation with each other, through deep and complex meta-narratives. Tim Rogers is a cartographer, trying to map out how video games are made whole.

I’ve always strived to be that kind of a cartographer, to showcase the weave of reality, of connecting two seemingly unconnected parts, and showing to a profound implication both existing, instead of one or the other. If you don’t know, I have been trying to write something out of my current obsession with Virtual YouTubers, and mostly Hololive, and while I think I stumbled upon the six hour video review of Tokimeki Memorial outside of my interest in virtual YouTubers, this video, as I expected in the back of my head, gave me plenty of thoughts about Hololive. Its rumination of cyberpunk and idol culture is so directly connected with the peculiarities of Hololive that I was quite astounded.

From the very beginning, I wonder how Tim Rogers thinks about Hololive, especially after he has done that six hour review. I’m sure he will have a lot of interesting thoughts about the prospect. I want to get in contact with him, maybe work under him. But then I don’t want to hang out with him. I want to be near him as he talks to a crowd at a party, but I don’t feel safe to be near him when there’s less than ten people nearby. I think below ten, I would be swept in some danger that I won’t be prepared for.

Tim Rogers and Action Button Review is a fascinating review series and if you have the time, I suggest you should take the journey. It’s well worth it, just to get a different perspective on video games and the world around it.

[lizacstuff]

SCK/Edser ask (33 & 34 spec)

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: Do you know what happened with the second set of writers? I know Ayse left on her own accord but why the sudden shift from that second writing team to these new ones? I don't think they even announced that the writers were changing, the fans found out during the credits one day. If that second set of writers was still here, I'd be fully confident that we're going to get a great payoff with Serkan when he remembers but they're not, so my expectations are rock bottom at this point

Such a bummer! No idea what happened to them. I’m wondering if they signed on for a certain number of episodes and when those were done, they moved on? Only being around for 7 or 8 episodes is not a lot though. One wonder if it was them or the production company wasn’t happy with them? Though the episodes were pretty well written so I’d hope the production company didn’t jettison them. Or just a run of the mill scheduling conflict.

In any case I agree, I’d have so much more confidence in their execution of this story if they were still writing. 

With this new team, I honestly thought that episode 32 was decent, but 33 just sort of dashed that away it was so poorly executed. 

Anonymous said: Hi - I always value your thoughts on SCK so thanks for taking the time to reply to asks! :)

Something that’s been plaguing me since the amnesia plot began is that nobody seems to have told Serkan about the BIG DETAIL that his father was responsible for the death of Eda’s parents???! Like surely that would provide some crucial context to Serkan and raise several questions e.g how did I manage to stay in a relationship with this woman, we must have had a strong relationship/overcome huge problems/trusted eachother etc. It just baffles me that everyone seems to have forgotten about what used to be a major plot line. How do you think it could play out if Eda or maybe Aydan revealed that back story to amnesia Serkan?

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words!  Agreed! This is a headscratcher. When he came back I kind of assumed that he knew that part of the history, at least at a superficial level, just because he sat down with Engin and heard the story from his perspective. I can’t imagine Engin would leave that part out, and it’s pretty integral detail in how Eda’s grandmother, and then Eda, ended up with 45% of the company. 

I also would guess that Selin would have told him about it, just because it allows her to paint Eda as potentially someone who was out for revenge from the beginning, someone who targeted him and manipulated him because of it.

So I think he must know, at least something about it about it, what’s frustrating is that it doesn’t seem like something that weighs on him or that he’s curious about. Or perhaps when he first heard about it he compartmentalized it and it didn’t weigh with him because at that time Eda was some evil person out to manipulate him, so he hasn’t paid it much attention, but now that he’s gotten to know her and realizes he has feelings for her, he hasn’t really revisited it? He’s very confused and has a lot going on and he’s thinking about her all the time, while trying not to, so it may have gotten lost in that tug-o-war. 

I do hope it comes up and they have a conversation about it. How has he not already asked her, “If my father was to blame for your parent’s death, why would you want to marry me?” Because regardless whether or not he’s in love with her, this is new information to him.  And he hasn’t dealt with the emotional fallout of finding out his father did that and hid that, and the affect it would have had on Eda.  One would hope that even robot Bolat would feel some compassion toward a woman his father was responsible for orphaning. 

Anonymous said: one of the asks you got about serkan not remembering things via their special "objects" had me thinking about one line he says waaay back during their breakup where he says something along the lines of he "doesn't need things for him to remember her" when he gets rid of her things at his house.. i know the writers aren't writing it with that in mind bc i know even most of the fandom doesn't remember it since it's been so long, but i still think it's quite apt for the situation 🥺

YES! it’s in episode 24, when she is over at his house and she notices that none of the things from their time together are there and she says something like that it’s probably for the best because if they’re here you can’t forget. And that’s when he says:

“In my opinion, things are not needed to remember a person.” 

I agree that it’s quite appropriate for the current situation. It’s not about the things or the objects, it’s about them. 

Anonymous said: i know people feel like we've been going in circles, at to some extent we ARE.. (i mainly think as long as the engagement games keep going it will feel like that) but serkan has made huge progress since he came back in 29.. the serkan in 29 or even 30 would not be reacting like the serkan in 34.. sure he still says things that are frustrating to eda and audience (mainly to rile her up, but also bc he prob doesn't realize it's hurtful) but his progress IS happening even if it doesn't feel like it

Oh, I 100% agree. Serkan has made huge progress, the things he said to Engin this episode would have been unthinkable in any other episode since the amnesia. Serkan going to the flower shop and helping her plant terrariums would also have been unthinkable pre 32. However, I get where the frustration is coming from because he always sort of circles back to a place in his interactions with her where it feels like little to no progress has been made. Though, as I said last week, I do think they show cumulative affect, when they have those big moments where they make progress, he’s further along than he was during the last big moment. But I think him stepping really far back in other interactions is one of the problems of the writing. They need more nuance and they need to let us see more into what’s going on in his brain. 

Anonymous said:  After everything that has happened I cannot see Eda appreciating a kiss from Serkan while he is still engaged to Selin. So maybe her first reaction after the kiss is to ask if he got his memories back and then something about Selin. When it becomes clear that they are still together then I could see her telling him off. Something like “when you’re engaged you aren’t supposed to be kissing other people and if you want to kiss other people then maybe you should not be engaged.” Or even “when we were engaged if I had found out you kissed someone else, it would have killed me” so you need to figure out what you want & stop hurting people. I could care less about Selin being cheated on because she is the worst but Eda deserves way better than that. Plus it would show Serkan that she really is a good person especially since it is very clear how much she dislikes Selin. She gave back the ring after he got engaged to Selin and unlike Selin, is not willing to accept crumbs given to her by anyone let alone Serkan. Maybe that finally results in Serkan dumping Selin by the end of the episode to chase Eda. Probably grasping at straws right now but I so badly want to be positive about this next episode. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, I could see something like this, but right now, if I had to bet money, I’d say that kiss is his fantasy, so we won’t actually be dealing with this issue. 

We shall see!  

Anonymous said: Will episode 34 finally be when Selin leaves? Surely 6 episodes of her is enough? 😭😭😭

It was spoiled for so long that she’d be leaving in 34, but at this point I don’t see how that would fit! She appears to have been at all the location shoots. 

What do we need to do to get rid of her? Some ancient good riddance ceremony? A gofundme? I’m in!!! Whatever it takes at this point I’ll do any ritual that will get rid of her. 

Anonymous said: I think it's interesting that Ayfer actually hasn't been that anti-Serkan since this amnesia storyline started (maybe its b/c she hasn't had too much time to think about it since she was spending all her time on Alex lol), even though it'd kinda be the perfect time to dig into it since Serkan is now treating Eda differently. But now Ayfer is better than Aydan, Miss "I knew your fiance was alive but didn't tell you." I thought what she told Eda before the restaurant was sweet. She gets 1 point.

Agreed, she gets one point. But just one. We’ll have to see how she does going forward. I kind of assume that she saw Eda’s devastation when Serkan was missing and it sort of snapped her out of her selfishness when it came to her not wanting Eda with Serkan. 

[musicfren]

tend hearts to bloom (our folly exhumed) part 2

Everything takes time to grow. Some good things take so much longer than you could have ever thought possible, and the best things might never grow at all. All you can do is tend to your garden. Part 2 is HERE y’all. Me and @nottesilhouette have finished part two of our hyper-extended flower metaphor saga :P You can read part 1 here. Happy @felinettenovember y’all! May this post last you a lot longer than 3 days <3

Felix lives in a state of “too cool”: too cool to be friends with the kids at school, too cool to be friends with the teachers and faculty, too cold to be friends with anyone at all. So he’s the last to realize when a new trend finds its feverish way across the school in whispers and muffled laughter behind lockers. Normally, he wouldn’t care-- schoolyard trends are little more than the transient, ephemeral whims of children drifting on the winds of their judgement, but there’s something about the ink that peeks through the sleeves of Kim’s shirt that demands his attention. 

“What is that?” 

“...are you checking out my muscles, bro?” Kim is genuinely baffled, not a trace of judgement in his tone but clearly trying to slot the puzzle pieces together as to when Felix became someone who cared about brawn, either in himself or anyone else. Still, Kim is nothing if not kind, so he flexes in Felix’s direction to give him a better look. 

His sleeves ride up when he does, and Felix brushes his arm over the bulge of Kim’s forearm, which probably doesn’t help the confusion. But the ink is irresistible to Felix. It’s familiar and gorgeous, sharp clean lines on Kim’s skin, and so glossy Felix worries it might smudge. It doesn’t. 

There on Kim’s wrist, perfectly framed by his bulging veins, is a comically cute grey dumbbell, and a doodled little snapdragon curled around the handle of the weights. 

“Oh, dude, did you mean my tattoo?” Kim is clearly relieved that his perception of Felix can remain intact, and helpfully flexes a little more. This is a much more reasonable thing for someone like Felix to find attractive. “Yeah, I finally caved and got it done, I wasn’t really sure what to get, y’know? I didn’t want to show up there like an idiot with no idea what to say or ask for, but Max told me that she was really good about just listening to you talk about what you liked and working with you to get something nice done. I like Max a lot,” he shares conspiratorially. 

Felix nods, as if this makes sense, and wanders away. Show up where? Get what done? Clearly someone was drawing this on Kim. There’s no way he could’ve done it himself; it was on his right wrist and Kim is right handed, but… Felix needed to know. He just didn’t know what to ask, or whether he should ask at all. 

But Felix knows how to hold his tongue, how to say the right things and keep himself safe, so he waits three days before ending up in a partner project with Max. Not by design, he plans to insist to anyone asking. No one asks. 

They’re listing their skills to decide who’ll take which piece of the project when Felix makes his move. “And you draw, too, right?” 

“No?” Max looks flummoxed, and Felix panics immediately. 

“Oh, well… I just… you had… Kim-told-me-you-drew-a-dumbbell-for-him!” He rushes the sentence out all in one breath, and Max looks more startled at his explanation than anything else, which sends Felix spiraling even more. 

But Max just takes a moment (a way too long moment) to process, and then laughs. “Is that what Kim said? He must’ve explained poorly. Nah, he got it the same place I got this.” And then Max is unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it up enough to show off the robot brushed over his abdomen, adorned with a cheerful amaryllis where its heart would be. 

“Where… um, where did you get it?” 

“Oh, art room after school! I’m surprised you haven’t seen the line out the door yet, it reaches well past the auditorium and I know you like to practice violin there after school. So, the project?” 

Max is too focused on the work to answer anything else after that, and Felix is too afraid to try. But he does know that Alya spends ages in the art room writing up articles for her blog as she waits on Marinette. 

He doesn’t get a chance to ask Alya anything, though, because Chloe derails the rest of class bragging about the shopping bags on her bicep and thoroughly avoiding the subject of the creator. Each one of them has an orange lily stamped on it in bold color, and Felix snorts. Fitting, though he’d never say it. Beautiful hatred is the modus operandi that Chloe exists on. 

The day after that, he waits until Nino is busy getting lunch to corner her at a lunch table. 

“Cool drawing, Alya.” Compliments are good, right? Compliments help people get what they want. And Felix wants, needs to know what this is, because there’s something so familiar, important, the way they’re tagged, and he would know it if he just had one hint, the right clue to fit into this picture-- 

“Thanks! My girl’s talented, don’tcha think? I love the way she let me match Nino.” She tugs down her collar to show off headphones slashed through with a pencil, and the ball of a group of sycamore flowers dangling off the end of the eraser like a pom pom. 

Felix bluescreens. No, no, that’s wrong. That’s not what he’d glimpsed on Nino’s neck, and Alya said they matched, something is wrong.

“Why is that flower there?” 

Alya laughs. “Well, every designer’s gotta have her tag, right? She’s a real tattoo artist, tags every piece with a flower she chooses out of nowhere. No one can work out what the pattern is, even when we cross referenced traditional flower meanings, but they’re always gorgeous and fit in so well-- have you seen Juleka’s? You’d hardly even notice, it’s so punk rock.” 

Nino’s making his way back and there’s no sycamore pom pom on his pencil, just an aster on the ear of the headphones, and Felix’s mind is whirring too fast to follow but Alya is walking away and the clues are slipping away like sand between his fingers and gripping harder only makes them slip away faster and--

“That’s the wrong flower.” 

“What?” Nino startles, absolutely taken aback at this out-of-character greeting. He’s used to Felix being curt, speaking out of context, but this is beyond even Nino’s ability to nod through. 

“It should be a marigold, right? Creative, passionate, absolutely driven by your art and the things you love, that’s who you are, why is it an aster?”

“...what??”

Felix can do little more than point. “Alya: sycamore, curious, journalistic drive, asking questions and doing everything she can to know a person so she can take care of them. Max: amaryllis, determined and focused on the work he builds and proud of it when it works because he has every right to be. Kim: snapdragon, strong and gracious and so, so, so protective, because that’s who he is so why is yours an aster?!”

“He deserves to know he’s clever, even if he doesn’t feel it.” 

Felix whirls around, and Marinette is standing there clutching her bag to her chest, trembling, but glaring at him from half a foot shorter than where he stands. She’s so strong. She’s so strong, and Felix wonders if she kept marigold for herself. She deserves to, if she wanted it. 

Maybe it shows on his face, what he’s thinking, or maybe she’s just always been the kindest person he was ever dumb enough to let go, because her gaze softens, hurt and hopeful in equal, anxious measure. “You remembered.” 

“...you made it hard to forget.” The way her face crumples confirms that yep, nope, Felix is an idiot. He scrambles to fix it, take it back, get it right this time no matter who’s watching. “No, no!! Like… unforgettable.” His voice is breathy on that last word, nostalgic for a childhood they barely shared, and it’s wrong and someone’s going to make fun of it but right now just for a second he doesn’t care. 

“...oh.”

What people really do make fun of him for is the way he ends up apologizing, for hours, sobbing into her blazer and wiping tears from her cheeks, and still not walking into school with her art on his skin, and Felix doesn’t correct them. 

He was right: there’s a marigold inked over her heart like a treasure. 

There’s a butterfly inked over his, now, landing on the petals of a geranium, and they’ve talked about now. Butterflies, first of all, can live for years, so that wasn’t even true, and friendships… friendships are like flowers. They take root and they grow, and when the sun hits right their seeds will burst into petal and stem and exist, persist, against every odd and obstacle. 

She has no idea how apt that butterfly is. Felix brushes his fingers over a brooch barely visible behind his tie, and feels hope blooming in his chest for the first time in years. 

This time, he knows how fragile it is. This time, he vows, he’ll keep the sunlight on it, patch the soil around its roots with fertilizer and keep it safe. This time… he’ll love her the way she deserves to be, the way she wants to be loved, the way he knows he’s allowed to.