#i thought my sister how to crack an egg like 6 months ago but i cannot apply to college even 2 years out of hs

[honeyboyfelix]

My parents coddled my eldest brother so much and when it comes to me they taught me nothing about living on my own and how to not rely on them. It fucking sucks

I think it's funny cause my sister doesn't know shit about how to live on her own but she doesn't have anxiety like I do stopping her from doing stuff but she's horrible at saving money so they just like,,,, don't expect her to pay for college

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Seen ✓ - 3

Pairing: Sam x Reader Warnings: cursing, a bit of self depreciation Word Count: 2.2k Series Summary: On her way home, Y/n finds an abandoned, cracked phone on the sidewalk. Anxious about the well-being of its owner, she picks it up and texts the first contact she finds; Sam. Beta: None

Part 1  -  Part 2 Masterlist

Chapter 3: for the love of god, explain this

Sam Winchester lies awake at three in the morning, under foreign, scratchy sheets, stubbornly not tearing his eyes from the cracked, ugly wallpaper on the ceiling. A lot of things are happening and his brain is going about a million miles an hour, spinning endlessly, Castiel, Dean returning from hell, the stress of the hunting life, the current case and… Y/n. Wonderful, smart, talented, funny Y/n.

It’s been a while since someone has made him excited. He keeps bumping into her in his mind, keeps finding thoughts of her lying around, eager to distract him. He catches himself wanting to text her about every stupid thing that happens in his day, much like she sometimes does. She’s been the only thing that makes his heart a little lighter, and it’s such a strange feeling, someone’s presence being this uplifting.

He was suspicious of her at first. A strange woman (at least she claims to be one, he forgets he’s never actually… seen her) asking about him, his profession, and then about… ghosts? A bit random, too specific, Sam recognizes he got defensive. But the way she spoke afterwards… he doesn’t know.  His instinct tells him to trust her.

Amidst his thoughts, he doesn’t remember picking up his phone, but it’s just one of those nights, he needs someone to talk to- or rather, wants Y/n specifically. A thought he chooses not to dwell on.

are you awake? I can’t sleep.

I actually am. Lucky you.

Sam smiles. Lucky me, he thinks.

isn’t it like 4 am for you?

Tell me about it. No luck sleeping either.

happen to you a lot?

Yeah.

I happen to have anxiety induced insomnia.

Working at a bar also helps fuck up your sleeping schedule as well.

You?

i’m sorry :/

i don’t get much sleep either. something always keeps me up.

Yeah, I get that.

Where in the Great Unites States of America are you today?

hahah it’s Oregon today.

it’s the ugliest motel room i’ve ever been in.

Ooh

Do I ask about your case or is it confidential?

it’s confidential but i’ll tell you that i am investigating a bunch of strange murders.

You’re investigating serial killers?? That’s so fucking dope.

something like that yeah.

how was your day?

Oh, you know. The usual.

College assignments, a shift at the bar. I went out with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while.

I need to clean my house desperately.

I also nearly burned my kitchen down trying to cook lunch. Emmy and I ended up eating some lazy-ass spaghetti, because pasta is the only thing I can cook, apparently.

hahahah what were you making?

You’re gonna laugh if I tell you.

well now you must.

Ugh, do I?

come onnn

It was eggs, okay? I was just trying to make eggs.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I TOLD YOU YOU’D LAUGH AT ME

HOW DID YOU BURN EGGS?!

LISTEN, OKAY

I NEVER SAID I WAS A GOOD COOK

HAHAHAHAH

Sam laughs over his phone, as silently as he can, so as to not wake Dean up. He turns on his other side and realizes his cheeks hurt from smiling, and it’s a feeling he’s missed.

Yeah, yeah, laugh, culinary genius. Not all of us can be perfect.

i never said i was a culinary genius

but at least i don’t go near stoves if i don’t have to.

Well, it’s not like I can afford every-day takeout (or like that shit is healthy, even if I could) and someone has to cook for my sister while she’s in school

you have siblings?

and yeah you’re right i didn’t think like that sorry.

It’s okay.

And yeah, my sister, Emily.” Emmy”

oooh i thought emmy was your friend.

Nono, it’s my sister. She’s 17.

can i ask you a personal question?

Shoot

why do you have to take care of her? are your guys’ parents not around?

you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable with that.

Well, it’s a bit complicated.

My parents’ marriage kind of fell apart when I was around 10. They tried to fix things by adopting a kid- Emily. For a while that worked.

When I was 16 my mom took off and dad took care of us for 2 years almost. He really dedicated himself to us.

He worked his antique shop and supported us. For two years, I didn’t see him spend a penny on himself.

But I ended up having to take care of Em when he passed. I was freshly 18, so I could take care of her as a guardian.

shit i’m so sorry.

It’s okay, honestly.

I mean, it didn’t use to be, and it was hell for a while.

But we made it.

i admire your positivity.

I try :)

i also love that you put smiley faces in your text messages.

Shouldn’t have said that, now I’ll always think about it before I do it

hahah

Sam bites his lip. What the hell is happening? They’re… flirting. Sorta. And it’s nice- better than nice. Fuck.

What about you?

you mean what’s my relationship with my parents?

Well, when you put it like that it sounds stupid. It wasn’t what I was asking either.

What I meant was, how’s your life right now. How’s the family business. You can pick which you wanna answer.

i don’t mind either honestly.

as for my parents my mom died when I was 6 months old. my dad passed away about a year and a half ago.

Jesus, I’m so sorry Sam

I don’t know what to say. It can’t have been easy. Losing a parent never is.

it wasn’t but as you said we’re trying to sort of find our footing with Dean. we’ve had our ups and downs.

Yeah I understand that.

Do you wanna talk about it?

right now not really. I mean there’s not much to say about it.

i kinda wanna forget about it. thanks though.

Alright.

So how’s the family business?

Does it feel good to be paid to be Sherlock Holmes?

crap. but we’re doing our best.

for the record i don’t get paid nearly enough for the shit i have to do.

Hahaha, hang in there.

Dean still refuses to come get his phone?

yeah. he says you can keep it.

Tell him to take care of his devices from now on, this one was battered beyond recognition.

duly noted.

The conversation continued until well after the sun rose. Sam had officially accepted this night to be sleepless, and Y/n was good company. Somehow she took his mind off of everything that was bugging him, made him, if momentarily, forget about it, and he truly loved that about her. The back and forth tended to flow easily between them, and he couldn’t get enough of the chemistry he had with this practical stranger.

Sleepless or not, this night was a good one, after she entered the picture.

-

The glow on her skin is blue-ish and soft, combatting the one from the fairy lights above them. Laptop absolutely not low in volume, couch dipping under two bodies, slumped together, legs leaning against one another, soft flannel pants and droopy eyes. Emily’s hair is out of its usual half-up hairstyle, exploding with volume and bright, firey color, flowing onto the back of the couch.

Jon Snow is yelling on the screen, and Y/n is completely ignoring him, constantly checking her inactive phone and the way the screen doesn’t light up with Sam’s name. Every time she feels disappointed, she tries to quell the relentless thoughts of the possibility of him being completely over her.

Damn it.

“Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend I’m not aware of or something?” Emily mutters dryly, half-hearted but gentle teasing. Y/n sputters.

“Huh?”

“’Cause you keep checking your phone, and as far as I know you don’t have any friends.”

“HEY,” deeply offended, Y/n places her hand over her heart, glaring at her sister. “Excuse you!” she exclaims, “Connor? Ashley? Lydia?”

“Yeah, a neighbor and two college students that you haven’t talked to in like, what, two weeks? What a social butterfly.”

“Okay first off,” Y/n ignores the screaming and fighting on the screen and shifts to look at her sister. “Stop tracking my socializing.” Em scoffs.

“C’mon, bear, spill.” Bottom lip pouted. She pauses the episode, turning to face her older sister. “Who are they and when can I meet them?” A devilish smile, teasing like only a younger sister can, curling the right corner of her lip.

“He’s not my boyf-“

“AHA! So there is someone! I knew it!”

“I’ve known him for like- what, three weeks? Nothing is going on! I barely know the guy!” Y/n fiddles with her hair and huffs, holding back a smile.

“Where’d you meet him? Is he hot? What’s he like?!” Poking her sister’s thigh continuously, she grins wide, excited. “C’mon, you’re like, no fun.”

“The thing is… I didn’t. Meet him, I mean.” Eyebrows furrow.

“Uh…” Emily purses her lips. “I’m … not following.”

It takes all of five minutes for Y/n to explain to her sister all about her crazy adventure, the lost phone, the brother, Sam. The girls munch on leftover garlic spaghetti, talking about the stranger on the other side of Y/n’s screen.

“He’s just… different? I don’t know- I just, I’m intrigued I guess. He’s mysterious and hilarious. The type of guy we’d hang out with. Why pass it up?”

“Just hang out?” Emily wiggles her eyebrows. Y/n shoves her.

“It’s really not like that.”

“I don’t know, Y/n, he doesn’t necessarily sound just friendly to me.” Y/n won’t lie and say she hasn’t thought about it. She’s a romantic after all, and what a wonderful, movie-like love story would it be for them to fall in love and march into the sunset?

But she recognizes this is the romantic side of her picking up speed on a subject that definitely isn’t for her to decide alone. There’s a second participant in all of this, and he needs to do more than half the work by liking her. She knows it’s no easy feat. A bitter dab of paint dissolves in her chest, because why would he like her? She’s nothing quite special. She’s just a bartender, a college student, a boring, normal girl, painfully mundane, painfully boring. He’s brilliant, kind and sweet, a private investigator, he travels all the time, he’s the most interesting guy she’s ever met for crying out loud. Why would he ever give her a chance?

“I doubt it, Em,” is what Y/n decides to say, because there’s no way she can explain exactly what she’s thinking.

“No, no, you’re doing that thing again.” A hum in question falls from the older Andrews’ lips. “The thing where you put yourself down for bullshit reasons. He’d be lucky to have you.” Y/n wants to roll her eyes. “Hey,” a snap of Emily’s fingers in front of Y/n’s face to catch her attention. “I will literally slap you. You’re smart, funny, kind. He’d be fucking lucky to have you, and if you don’t believe it, I’m gonna beat some sense into you. Stop putting my sister down.”  Y/n doesn’t have anything good to say to that, so instead she lets out a huffed breath of a laugh and sits back on the couch.

“Now,” Emily leans over her own crossed legs and grabs her phone from the rickety coffee table. “Did you Google him?”

“Why the heck would I Google him?”

“It’s the 21st century, Y/n, gosh. Are you at all familiar with internet stalking?” Y/n watched pebbled coffee brown eyes get illuminated by the phone screen, freckles nowhere near as bright as they can be, because she hasn’t gone out into the sunlight today. Emily is gorgeous. Y/n is sometimes jealous, but also genuinely admires her younger sister. “What’s his name?”

“Sam Winchester.”

There’s typing, and then silence.

“Y/n…” And the warning tone on the younger one’s voice completely throws her off.

“What? What is it?” A phone screen is thrust in her face.

Mail fraud, credit card fraud, grave desecration, armed robbery, kidnapping, three counts of first-degree murder, and breaking and entering, she reads. Winchester brothers Sam and Dean, disappeared, considered dead.

“What the fuck,” she mutters under her breath, completely horrified at the chance that this is real and the universe isn’t playing some comic joke on her, creating another pair of Winchester brothers called Sam and Dean who, instead of chasing murderers, are the murderers.

She scrolls lower and sure enough, there they are. Mug shots, but more specifically, the guy from the dating app, smouldering cheekily into the camera –a real blue steel-, holding a police station name on a black plaque, sitting at close to six feet and two. Then the younger one, less joyful and sassy, more serious and puppy-eyed. Sam. Close to what was described to her, it’s all there. Pointy nose, sharp jawline, curly brown hair with a growing, swoopy fringe, pulled behind his ears. It’s him. There’s no way, the coincidences are too many.

“Bear…” Emily stares at Y/n’s shocked face, gaze empty and out of it. “What the hell have you gotten yourself into?”

Immediately, Y/n grabs her phone.

Sam

His reply is instantaneous.

hey y/n

i was just thinking about you

what’s up?

Please for the love of God.

Explain this.

She sends him the mugshot, photographed from the screen of her sister’s phone.

shit.

-

Part 4

A/N: Tell me what you thought? How the hell does he even explain this?

I realized I haven’t been tagging my forever taglist like a MORON, so just, sorry, I’ll start now. 

Forevers:   @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester​ @deanssweetheart23​ @nostalgic-uncertainty​ @mogaruke​ @superseejay721517​ @lady-hawkguy​ @thosefeelsarereal​ @superwholockmarauder​  @justiceiswater​ @petra-arkanian-1497​ @heyitscam99​ @danijimenezv​ @aj-reuth  @unicornblood4ever @mystriee​ @sadist-fangirl23 @asguardiansoftheavengers​ @superrandomnatural​ @altosaxplayer098 @winter-moons @hunterswearingplaid​ @novaddictx​ @choosemyname​  @live-like-a-girl​ @thisismysecrethappyplace​ @bowtomytenderaddiction​  @elara98azalea​ @lemondropirwin​ @emmagolden4118​ @glitchcypher @calaofnoldor​ @paradoxical-sleep​ @narynechan @canwenotdothis​ @suicidepanda07​ 

Sam Taglist

@kymberlytorres​ @theboykingsamwinchester​ @depressed-moose-78 @andi-mendes-barnes​ @captainmarvelcorps​ @nerd-in-a-galaxy-far-away​ @nellachain​

 Seen Taglist  @shutupiminlooove​ @sammysgirl1997​ @kymberlytorres​ @bambi95-blog​ @demonic-meatball​ @thekarliwinchester​ @littlekay15​ @li-m-ii​  @thinspo-isuppose​ @carryonmywaywarddemigodwitch @ellen-reincarnated1967 @moonlitskinwalker​ @marichromatic​ @illuminatus42​ @lazy-author​ @mirandaaustin93​ @hauntedsiriel​ @pilaxia​ @devilgirlsarah​ @nobodys-baby-now​ @captiveties​ @calamitychaos @midiocris @wordswillscream​ @burningforsam​ @aiofheavenandhell​

[lillabeast]

Brontophobia (wandersong au fic)

This is my first Fanfiction, and its for my wandersong sibling au.

Characters are kawn baron (the bard) and audrey redheart (the hero)

It’s a stormy night and Kawn and Audrey talk about the past.

It was midnight in the sleepy little village of Langtree. Everyone was sleeping to the sound of a heavy storm passing over. Everyone, but Audrey Redheart. 

She sat sharpening her blade, listening as the rain poured heavily on the little shed-turned-house the ex-hero built. Her mind was wandering as she slid the whetstone across the blade. How long has she been in Langtree? One month? Two? It felt like she’d lived here much longer. It was a miracle they even accepted her, after she tried to-

She shook her head. She did not want to relive that.

She thought instead about her job.

Lumber work, Bronson offered it to her. She was very grateful for that, although it’s thanks to the bard she even got a place to live. They offered to let her live with them, and was the one making dinner and all that. She looked over at their house. It was small, barely able for even one person to live in. Her eyes drifted down to Marmalade’s chicken pen.

The witch, Miriam, had gifted a chicken to the bard. According to her, Kawn kept getting confused by egg labels, and was spending 20 Dollars on a 6-egg carton. 

Audrey still can’t believe they outsmarted her.

Despite Marmalade being the bard’s chicken, she very much loved her. It reminded her of a simpler time when she lived with the other orphans in the monastery. It was bittersweet, the only people who seemed to actually care who Audrey was, was her sister and the sky seals. She still missed the sky seals. She told Kawn about them, and when she returned from a Lumber work trip from Xia-Tian, Kawn had surprised her with a small stuffed animal sky seal. She never deserved any of this. She tried to hu-

A crack of thunder brought Audrey’s attention back to the chicken pen. Marmalade was probably cold and scared in this storm, The pen isn’t the best at protecting her from rain (Boni promised to come fix it when they had time off work) but it was a good temporary arrangement. 

Audrey sheathed her sword and hung it up on the wall before grabbing her scarf and putting her boots on. She didn’t bother with the gloves, They were just to protect from the cold, and to protect her hands from blistering while using a sword.

She trudged out into the cold, dark, and wet night. She was almost immediately drenched by the rain 

“Guuugh…” She hated being soggy, it was the worst feeling. But she had to do this

She had to save Marmalade.

She carefully opened the pen, and heard marm’s clucking. Carefully, she reached in and wrapped her arms around the sopping wet bird. The feeling of wet feathers was… indescribable.

“Eugh… Boni had better get time off soon.” Audrey muttered, as she pulled the chicken out of the pen. There was another crack of thunder, and Marmalade started flapping her wings and struggling while making distressed clucking noises.

“Wh- HEY! I’m trying to help you!!” 

She ran into the shed, struggling to hold a panicked and very upset hen without hurting it. Audrey was very glad no one was awake at this hour.

She burst through the shed door, and put marmalade on the ground as quickly (and carefully) as she could. Marmalade sat on the ground, shivering while looking around. Her beautiful feathers now depressed looking as the water dripped off of her. Her usually plump and fluffy appearance was now sleek and weighty on her slightly less plump form (she is a well fed chicken, afterall). 

She wrapped the sopping hen with her scarf and set her in a corner. She decided to turn in for the night, It must’ve been close to one am at this point. However, as she went to close the door, there was a loud crack of thunder that made her stumble back a bit, and then soon after she heard a very familiar scream. 

She jumped into action, grabbing her sword and running towards the small house, and she burst in as another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky.

She was greeted not  by danger, but by her friend. 

They were on the ground, shaken and trembling. They looked up at her in terror, tears glinting with the brief flashes of light in the sky. Both of their hands were gripping their chest- almost digging into it. 

They  let out a small whimper, and tried to scoot away

Quickly, Audrey dropped her sword, but didn’t move beyond that. She barely even recognized that disheveled and fearful figure to be the annoyingly happy-go-lucky bard that played along with her antics and helped give her a new life.

After what seemed like forever, Audrey found the strength to break the silence.

“Kawn? Is everything alright?” Audrey you fool of course they’re not alright, they are on the ground  shiv-

“Y-Yeah! I’m f-fine!” ...Are you Serious? 

Audrey couldn’t believe it. Do they really think she’s gonna believe that?? 

“Kawn, you are on the floor shaking like a leaf and crying. You can barely even smile!”

The shaky smile that the bard had formed, quickly faded. It didn’t look right, she’s seen the bard without a smile before but there was at least some form of.. Strength? Hope? She wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, it wasn’t there now. They seemed to be at their weakest point, and she had no idea how to help. She only knew how to fight. 

And there was no way to fight this problem.

The bard seemed to know she was at a loss at what to do, they didn’t want to be a burden. They attempted to stand, but their legs threatened to give out under them. 

“Wai- No! You’re shaking too much!” Audrey exclaimed as she ran over to go support the shaken singer.

Kawn let out a yelp, and stiffened as Audrey supported them. They were expecting a rush of unpleasant memories, but instead they found themself comforted by Audrey’s embrace. Other than her initial appearance a few moments ago, they didn’t seem to connect their friend with The Hero that threatened to end the world. They softened after a second, before attempting to hug Audrey. 

She panicked, she was not expecting this. She started to quickly get Kawn to their bed, but stopped when she heard another whimper. She looked down at her whimpering friend, a wave of more awkwardness and worry washed over her. The whimpering got more frequent as the bard buried their face into their friend. Audrey, now being clinged to, awkwardly shuffled herself and her friend to the bed. 

  Carefully, she sat on the bed, having to pull the bard onto her lap as they started to full on sob. There was another crash of thunder and the bard dug their fingers into Audrey’s shirt. She swore that they were about to rip a hole in it or something. This was not how she expected her night to go. She should have just gone to bed. 

Except… that would have been cowardly. Kawn would have been stuck cowering on the floor!

 ...Wait what was kawn cowering from? 

Audrey looked at the sobbing bard, it occurred to her it probably wasn’t the best time to talk to them about it. Instead, she carefully started to rub kawn’s back, and tried her best to hum the Overseer song the monks taught her and the other orphans. She never had to use it, since the Heart Overseer’s castle appeared in the real world. 

Her voice was nowhere near as good as Kawn’s, but they seemed to start to calm down. Their sobbing eventually quieted down, and Audrey carefully started to finish her song.

“...Y..you have a very pretty voice.” 

Audrey blushed. 

“Thanks.” She wasn’t used to genuine compliments from anyone other than adoring fans, despite however many months she’s been there. 

“What scared you?”

“...I don’t want to talk about it.” The bard’s voice was barely audible as they looked away.

Audrey groaned, she would threaten to call Miriam, but it was still dark outside. 

“Kawn. It would help me help you if you would tell me what’s up.” That...came out way more aggressive than she wanted. 

“I-I can help myself Audrey. I’m ok.”

“Bull.” She would swear if it didn’t put the fear of Eya in her.

The bard responded with silence. She really reminded them of Miriam right now, but they didn’t wanna say that. Instead they debated on wether or not they really wanted to share their thoughts.

“I...I’m just scared of the thunder, that’s all.”

“Oh. why would you hide that from me?” 

The Bard paused again. They wanted to word it without making Audrey feel bad. However, before they could speak, A flash of realization crossed The Ex-Hero’s face.

“Wait, it's because of me isn’t it?”

“No! I mean- yes but-”

Audrey glared at the floor, what was she thinking? She could’ve killed them. That was a fully charged shot! They-”

“Please, don’t be upset with yourself…”

What? How could she not Be upset!? 

“Kawn, I shot you!” she was mad. Not at him, just… just mad that they were trying to downplay her actions. 

“I… I know.” Kawn shifted off of Audrey, now sitting next to her. “But, I ran at you, you just reacted.”

“I was charging that shot long before you ran at me.”

“...”

“Besides-” Audrey was now choking back tears “Aren’t you mad that I hurt Miriam?”

Kawn paused. They were mad, but...not at her. They were mad at what she did, and they were mad at how she reacted. But she acknowledged that she was wrong (albeit, she made him question if she was even sorry after she killed the Heart King) and she obviously wanted to be better now! It felt wrong to still be upset.

“I...Yes. I’m still upset but… I shouldn’t be.”

“...What.”

Kawn was tense, They hated being open about this, but Miriam said that sharing these thoughts helped her. They could help Audrey! They’d just have to take that chance. 

“You are trying so hard to change. You have come so far from the egotistical and snooty hero, and actually resemble the compassionate and capable hero i knew you could be!”

Audrey huffed, she did feel like she has improved but she didn’t feel like a hero anymore. She wasn’t saving anyone, she was just a lumb-

“But…”

Oh no.

“I’m still… upset by your actions. I’m upset with Eya for telling you to kill the overseers.”

“That’s bold. Being angry at a Goddess I mean.”

Kawn gave out a small laugh, it somehow sounded musical, and it made audrey feel a little bit better. 

“Yeah… but again I’m just mad at  her actions. I’m mad that you didn’t listen to Miriam and I, or even Eyala. I know why you didn’t listen, and I completely understand why you did all this! It’s just… It still makes me upset when I think about it.”

Kawn looked at the ground, and swung their feet back and forth.

“I-I know, it’s unfair to you and i have no right to-”

“Are you kidding? You have every right to still be upset.”

Kawn looked up in surprise. Audrey was looking at them with a soft look that they’ve never seen on her before. 

“I hurt so many people, and I’ve disfigured you for life!”

Kawn carefully put his hand on their chest.

“It’s ok to still be upset. You can forgive me and still be hurt by my actions.”

She put a hand on Their shoulder. Kawn looked back on the ground and put their hand on the hand on their shoulder. 

“But… I don��t even see you and the past you as the same person.”

“Huh?”

“I see ‘The Hero’ as someone completely different. When I see her in my nightmares, I don’t think of you.”

Audrey blinked.

“I...but we are the same person.”

“I know but I can’t see it that way. I don’t think of you when I think of all the things you’ve done. Maybe I’m just broken or someth-”

“Don’t say that.”

“Huh?”

Audrey turned Kawn to make them look at her. 

“You are not broken. You are just trying to cope in your own way.”

“G-Gosh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you upset!” Kawn cracked a very awkward smile.

Audrey sighed.

“It’s just… I don’t like when you put yourself down. I’m sure Miriam also hates that.”

Kawn frowned.

“I’m sorry, I’ll try not to do that again.”

“...You’re a very funny person, you know that?”

“Huh?”

Audrey Leaned back.

“You were completely willing to help me, just as you would anyone else. Despite everything i’ve done to you.”

“Well… yeah! I believed you could be better and you seemed like you needed a place to stay!”

“...You didn’t even want my money or anything. You help while not wanting or expecting anything in return. Despite me questioning why you would do that, I think I’m beginning to understand why you do it.”

Kawn gave Audrey a confused glance. To be honest it just made them feel good to help others. 

“You just like spreading happiness. You want people to remember you for being kind and caring, and maybe even pay it forward by helping someone else.”

Kawn thought about it. It made sense but they didn’t think of it that way.

“Actually it just feels good to help people…”

“Well yeah but still.”

“...Yeah maybe you’re right.”

Kawn stared at the ceiling, thinking about what Audrey had said. Suddenly a snoring sound brought him back to the real world.

“Audrey?”

They looked over and found audrey passed out, half hanging off the bed. Kawn smiled softly and properly tucked Audrey in (remembering to remove her boots). They then pulled the sleeping bag out and set it up, and tucked themself in after grabbing a book and a flashlight.

They weren’t particularly tired, they would probably take a nap today.

For now they would just read through the night, hopefully they’ll doze off soon.

[zenithlux]

Tendrils of Regret - Part 6

Read the story on AO3 here!

Thank you for all the support <3. It means the world to me.

While it took a few days for your mood to fully improve, sleeping beside little Shadow certainly helped. And you were surprised to find that even Vergil was a bit more pleasant. You made sure to leave Shadow with him from time to time as you “conveniently” had something else to do. Then you’d leave for a bit, usually reading by yourself or something equally as important. And whenever you came back, you’d always find Shadow sleeping in Vergil’s lap. Once, you’d even caught him playing with the cat, but he’d tossed the toy aside the second he noticed you and went back to reading, stubborn as ever. 

But you didn’t mind. You found it… endearing. And you had to admit, it was refreshing to not be angry at him all the time. Not that he completely avoided doing something to annoy you. You supposed that would never change, and you were more than capable of turning it on him just as quickly. But everyone else had noticed that the animosity between you two had dissipated somewhat after you brought Shadow home. You still barely talked, but at least it was a comfortable silence instead of a painful refusal to acknowledge each other’s existence.

But today was a strange day. For the first time in as long as you could remember, everyone in Devil May Cry was all together, wandering toward the middle of Red Grave on a call about a demon infestation. You hadn’t seen much yet, nor had you sensed anything under the earth. Trish and Lady had been muttering back and forth about something, probably annoyed that they’d had to come out for nothing. Vergil led the way, with Dante sauntering behind. 

“I’m sure we’ll find something,” He said. “I doubt a client would have called just to mess with us.”

“Haven’t seen anything yet,” Lady said with a yawn. “You got anything, Rose?”

“Afraid not,” You said. “But maybe that’s a good thing.” You pressed your hand along the ground again, feeling for the roots. The streets of Red Grave had been torn up in the incident, and many plants had begun to grow through the holes in the concrete. There were also a lot of demon plants buried deep in the soil, but none of them would emerge without your provocation. Without the tree or you to fuel them, they were worthless and wilting. But you felt no unusual gaps beyond what you’d expect, and no signs of plant demons that simply hadn’t shown themselves. “I doubt I’d sense anything before the brothers.”

“Probably true,” Lady said. “It was worth checking.”

Vergil stopped suddenly. Dante knocked into him, earning a summoned sword to the shoulder. A month ago, such a random act of violence would have startled you. Now, you realized that Dante either felt no paint or didn’t care in the slightest. “What is it, Verge?” He said. “I don’t feel a thing.”

“Then you’re not trying hard enough,” Vergil said. 

“Or maybe I’m not as in tune with the demon world as you.”

Vergil said nothing after that, but you noticed how his hand moved almost protectively to Yamato. Did he sense something? Vergil wasn’t the type of person to lie about such a thing. You’d learned over the course of your time together that he preferred brutal honesty to white lies, and you’d often been on the receiving end of such thoughts. And maybe Dante was right. You didn’t know too much about the tree, but if Vergil’s other half had raised it… then maybe…

Pay attention, my little vine, V had once said to you in a situation eerily similar to this one. Some demons can hide themselves in plain sight, even from those who should know they are there. And he’d been right then too, as you quickly found demons that had managed to transform into objects on the streets and a strange suit of armor that came careening off the roof.

The roof. 

You stopped in your tracks, eyes drifting upward. You wouldn’t sense anything on the buildings unless the plants themselves were up there. Surely Vergil and Dante would have thought of such a thing already, but none of you had made the effort to actually check. Maybe from there, you could see something you couldn’t from down here? It was a possibility. So, without telling anyone - you’d catch up to them anyway - you moved toward a set of flowers budding beside a building. You knelt down, wrapping your hand around one. You willed it to grow and it did, expanding into a flower the size of a small seat. You plopped down on it, drawing the roots upward. It moved quicker than you expected, but you hopped onto the roof with relative ease. 

To your surprise, there were some plants on top, but they looked strange. They were like flowers, black and white petals with yellow stems. But the bulbous roots reminded you of the demon you’d killed forever ago. You knelt by one, feeling for its roots. But it didn’t have any. The plant just existed as if…

Oh. 

You stood up, looking to the other rooftops. There were hundreds of these plants spread out before you like egg sacs clinging to buildings. Some were bigger than others, reaching up to your knees while some only came up to your ankle. But they were most certainly demonic, you just weren’t sure how far their reach was. 

You jumped as Vergil appeared in front of you. “Stop doing that,” You wheezed, grabbing at your heart. 

He looked around, lips tightening as you assumed he made the same connection as you. “They don’t smell like anything,” He said. “They don’t even feel like demons.”

“They’re not normal plants,” You said. “They’re not grounded in soil, they're just… there, somehow growing through the concrete.” 

Vergil frowned, teleporting to the next building where more plants waited. You summoned your own small bridge, joining him on the other side. “They have to be demons, right?”

“It’s possible these were left behind by the tree, but didn’t manifest until now.”

“This place is usually a dead zone,” You said. “So Lady, Trish and I had no reason to be out here. Wouldn’t have even seen them.”

Suddenly, a pod nearby cracked. You both spun toward it with Vergil stepping in front of you. You might have thought the gesture nice if you weren’t staring at the plant falling apart. The center burst, and dozens of hand sized spiders with flowers for heads emerged. You took a long step back, but the other flowers around you began to crack. “Vergil…”

You gasped he appeared behind you, quite literally dragging you right off the roof. You landed in his arms but it still jarred your neck to an uncomfortable degree. “Ow.”

“Summon your plants,” He said as he quite nearly dropped you. “Dante!” 

“Way ahead of you!” His brother’s voice called back, but you couldn’t see the other three. Loud screeches echoed in all directions as spiders began spilling off the rooftops. You summoned every plant you could, slamming at them with vines and roots of all shapes and sizes, but there were hundreds of the things skittering down from the rooftops including some that were as big as you. 

You barely felt Vergil grab your wrist as he yanked you away from the onslaught. You stumbled at first, but found your footing and took off with him, summoning whatever you could with each step. The plants drove the spiders back, but most were used as climbing tools to reach the ground quicker. In another second, Vergil grabbed you and leapt an impossible height, back onto one of the buildings. He dropped you, but you didn’t have the time to be angry as he unsheathed Yamato and sliced all the demons around you in one go. You saw Dante and the girls down on the street, tearing through whatever they could. But the waves of spiders descended upon them in droves. It was a horrifying sight, one you knew would plague your nightmares if you all got of here alive. 

A quiet cackle echoed in your mind. The vine constricted around your heart, shooting pain through your limbs. You grabbed at it, flinching away from the edge as your vision blurred. “What is it?” Vergil said. 

“I don’t…” You paused, trying to remember where you’d felt this feeling before. Once with him, but not because of him. At least, that’s what you could remember. No, it was something else. Something driving the vine into a frenzy. Something like…

“Another sister,” You whispered. “Or a relative of some kind.”

“What?” Vergil said. 

“I felt like this with that plant demon the other day,” You said. “I thought it was just because you were there… but maybe it was because of her…” You stepped up to the edge of the building again, searching for any large demon possible. But even cleared, your fallible human vision didn’t reach all that far. You summoned enough plants to hop to the next rooftop, stabbing through the few bulbs that had yet to break open. You spread your own vines as fast as possible, killing the horde of spiders inside. Vergil followed suit, slicing the other three plants to a fine dust. 

“You think something else is here?”

“They must be under someone’s control,” You said. “Why else would they have all broken out now?”

“Lots of reasons,” Vergil said. 

“But if someone is controlling them, then maybe finding that person will stop them.”

“Or it will do absolutely nothing.”

“Well unless you’ve got a few flamethrowers hiding under your jacket I don’t think we have many other options.” You moved to the next building, killing the single plant there. The others had already broken open, but the spiders were all focused on pouring out over the ground. You found that odd. Shouldn’t they be reacting to you? Or Vergil at the very least? Were they that intent on killing Dante? Or was there something about you distracting them?

“If the demon’s another sister, then maybe the spiders are ignoring me,” You mumbled, more to yourself than Vergil. 

Of course, he heard you anyway. “It doesn’t explain why they haven’t attacked me.”

“Yes it does,” You said, your tone a bit sour. “If she’s someone else that pledged her allegiance to you.” You moved to the next building, summoning plants wherever you went. You had a whole network of many bridges as you jumped past Dante and the others. They were handling themselves just fine, though Lady had this horrified disgusted look on her face that you could deeply relate to. “Hold on,” you whispered, not wanting to attract any unwanted attention. Vergil was moving close behind, using your makeshift pathways rather than teleporting around himself. You wondered why that was a conscious choice, but shook the thought off. Now was not the time to be questioning someone you never understood anyway. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, you found what you thought you were looking for. A giant hole in the ground that some spiders were coming out of.  You wrinkled your nose at the thought of entering such a thing, but you’d come too far to back out now. You could practically feel the vine tugging at you, but you couldn’t tell if it was excitement to see whoever was down there, or some kind of defensive mechanism warning you to run away. And you could just send Vergil in there alone - that was probably the smarter move- but the spiders had avoided you until now… maybe their controller would talk to you too. 

You gently lowered yourself off the building, pulling back all of the plants you’d used to traverse the rooftops. You felt your energy replenish in a heartbeat. Vergil hopped down beside you and the spiders ran around you both. You glanced at him, but he was already moving toward the hole. “Stay here,” He said. 

Your legs stopped mid-step, rooting you to the spot. “You’re joking right?” You said. “You’re just going to leave me here, powerless to fight anything, as you go down into the hole that I found?”

He glanced back at you. “I never said you couldn’t fight.”

“You still suck at this,” You said, gesturing to your legs. “Stay here? Really?”

He glared at you. “Move.”

You stumbled forward, caught off guard by the sudden feeling in your legs again. “I’m going with you.”

“And if I say no?”

“You won’t,” You said. “Besides, how do you know the spiders won’t just chase you if you abandon me?”

“It was your theory that whatever is down there is on my side.”

“Or it's on mine and you’re just lucky,” you said as you crossed your arms. “Now are we going to keep arguing or are you going to take me down there?”

His glare intensified, but, to his credit, he did move to pick you up. “Foolish woman,” He muttered as you wrapped your arms around his neck and peered into the hole you were about to plummet into. 

“Stubborn half-demon,” You said lamely. It was quite possibly the worst response you could have come up with, but it was all you could think of in the heat of the moment. And Vergil’s dramatic eye-roll told you it hadn’t landed well. “What are you waiting for?” you snapped. “Just ju-”

You couldn’t stop the scream of surprise when he did what you asked, dropping into the hole with little fanfare. You pressed your face into his chest, imagining all the ways you might break to pieces at the bottom of this drop. But as the fall continued, you heard the unfurling of something above you. Something like…

Wings? 

You jerked your head up to meet Vergil’s gaze. And you might have dwelled on the fact that he’d been staring at you that whole time more if a pair of beautiful, bright blue wings weren’t stretched out behind him, glowing in the dark. They flapped once, slowing your fall to a gentle glide. For once, his smirk remained longer than a few seconds. “Surprised?” He said. 

“Your demon form has wings?”

“Of course.”

You scowled at him. “That’s not a given trait of demons last time I checked.”

He landed with a quiet thud, but you barely even felt it. The wings vanished, likely summoned by some crazy demon magic. He sat you down this time - generous of him - and gazed up into a dark tunnel. You yelped as you felt spiders skitter past you, but they were few and far between. Thank whomever for small favors as you think you might have died from a heart attack had they been as plentiful in here as they were up top. “So how far does it…” You trailed off as you realized his eyes were glowing a brilliant blue, much brighter than his usual, silver-blue irises. 

“Stay close,” He said, a command you didn’t mind following for once, as he moved forward through the tunnel.  And while you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, the world felt strange. While you normally sensed the plants under your feet, this time you could feel them everywhere. Underneath you. Over your head. On both sides. You tested the waters, running your hand along the wall. You felt plants emerge at your fingers, but jumped when Vergil grabbed your hand. “Don’t do that.”

“I was just testing it out,” You said. 

“And bring the whole tunnel down on us?”

“I’m more careful than that,” You huffed. “Ye of so little-” He stopped you again with a hand on your shoulder, cutting the conversation short. That’s when you realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel. “Is it a demon?” You whispered. 

“Yes,” Vergil said. 

“So I was right?”

He glared at you again, but it was much softer than usual. Odd. “It seems so.”

You both moved forward as the light expanded. Soon, you found yourself in a pit at the end of the tunnel with rays of sun seeping through small holes in the ceiling. A massive spider was in the center of the room. You gasped as it turned toward you noticing there was a human form embedded on its stomach. At first, you thought it might be someone else like you. Someone sealed away in a demon. But then the human’s eyes shot open and a wicked smile crossed her face. “Well, well,” She said. “I thought I sensed my cousin… never expected it would be you.”

“I’ve heard that before,” You said. 

“So you killed Belladonna?” The spider said. “Good riddance. She always was a nuisance.” The spider took numerous steps forward, beady eyes jumping between yourself and Vergil. “Are you here to kill me, Demon King?”

“Yes,” Vergil said simply. 

“Unfortunate,” The demon said. “I had hoped we could…"

You jumped as Vergil disappeared. A second later, the demon screeched as demonic blood squirted in all directions. The demon collapsed before your eyes, dead. Vergil reappeared beside you, clicking Yamato closed as usual. The spiders around you fell from the ceiling, collapsing all around you. “Well that’s… anticlimactic.”

“No point in letting the thing talk,” He said. “We need to return to the surface.” 

Then, the spiders began to move. 

You lurched backward as they filled the doorway, all of them turning on you. Vergil killed the ones he could, and you pulled on the roots nearby. But they were numerous, as if all the spiders from the surface had come to avenge their master.

Suddenly, you felt it. A spike of demonic energy that washed over you like a waterfall. In another second, Vergil was gone, replaced by a massive, blue demon. You swore the vine in your chest shrieked in response as you stumbled away. No. A voice whispered. Was it your own? You weren’t sure. You were frozen in terror as the demon tore through the spiders, incinerating them with strike after strike. “No,” You whispered as the power bore down on your chest. You recognized it. It was the demon that had sealed you away. It was back. Back to seal you away again. 

No. No. No. No.

You held your head, panic overcoming you. What was happening? That was Vergil, right? He wouldn’t hurt you. He couldn’t hurt you. He was in control. 

… Right?

“My little vine…”

Your head jerked upright as the blue demon stood before you. His voice was low and distorted, but you could almost hear Vergil - no, you could almost hear V - behind it. You scrambled backward. “Don’t be afraid.”

“Afraid?” You said. “How? You’re…” You trailed off as he knelt before you, claws reaching out to gently stroke your face. Your heart slowed at the touch. The vine uncoiled, confused just as much as you. “You’re the…”

His demonic form dissipated and Vergil returned. His hand didn’t move, but you did feel his thumb stroke your cheek. It was then that you realized you were crying. “It’s alright,” He whispered. “I’m here.”

You didn’t know why that comforted you, but you found yourself leaning into his hand. This had happened once before with V. You’d been in a panic after a demon almost killed you, and he’d joined you just like this. Hand on your cheek, wiping away your tears with a quiet promise. I’m here. 

“You remember,” You whispered. 

Vergil said nothing, but he didn’t need to.

[billie-ford]

1

Days Gone By

6

Houston. The biggest city in the state of Texas and the second largest in the country. But more intimately, it was the home of Billie Ford. She was known well throughout the countryside of Houston and even into the inner city as the kid that went the extra mile. A star runner on the high school track team, destined to make state. The friendly mechanic that willingly made house trips and sometimes took a hot meal as payment. The devoted wife and mother, the lively younger sister known for her exuberant energy. The street she lived on for more than half a decade was once known for it’s exuberant energy too; music bumping from almost every open window and a potluck every other week. It was now a decrepit wasteland. One of the first cities to fall when the virus broke and when it fell, it fell hard.

Every inch of public road was cluttered with debris, abandoned cars, streaks of blood and dead bodies - roaming or not. Music would not be heard on these streets ever again - unless you chose to count the mindless humming from Billie every now and again. Despite how sparse supplies had grown, Billie couldn’t bring herself to leave. Having already abandoned her once warm, loving home, she was now holed up in a strangers house on the other side of the city. Boarded up, furniture pushed against windows and a makeshift bed of sheets and couch cushions positioned messily in the center of the living room. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to call it quits, no matter how ghostly it had gotten in the last few months. Something was keeping her here, and she just couldn’t describe what it was.

(six months since the fall)

“How long will you be?” 

Despite his name, Hunter Hammond was no scavenger. He was a meek man, all five-foot-nine of him. Abraham used to tease him when their families got together for a dinner, joking that Billie had managed to fuse her bisexuality and marry both a man and woman all in one. Hunter never liked Abraham too much.

“I’ll be as quick as I can but who knows what those streets look like now.” Billie tightened the laces of her boots before standing and slinging a backpack over her shoulder. Just behind Hunter, their son Devin played with plastic cars in their couch cushion bed. His smile and bubbly laugh was a constant reminder of what the world had been once, and for both Billie and Hunter it gave them hope.

Billie cupped her husband’s cheek, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. “Back before sundown. I promise. C’mere sweet boy,” she kneeled down and kissed her toddler on the head, breathing in the scent of his cloud-like curls. “You take care of your ol’ man for me, m’kay?” The boy smiled and nodded.

“Board this right back up.” She gave Hunter a stern look as she moved the furniture from the back door, their backyard a quiet enough escape to the road behind them. “I mean it. The second I’m out.”

“Don’t worry, I got you. Come back to me safe, Bill. I mean that.”

Hunter had shut the door before she could give him a second look, the sound of the couch scraping on the other side signaling she was now trapped on the back porch. She took off down the patio stairs, through the neighboring backyards and through the small line of trees that shielded the house from from the main road.

Billie liked to call them walkers. They reminded her of how her dad used to walk when he had knee surgery and ended up with a walking frame for a few weeks; hunched over, slow, lazy. Her father was an intimidating man - strong and stern, a frequent yeller who, just by cracking the buckle of his belt, had Billie stood straight and ready to accomplish any command. But even Abraham Sr. didn’t scare her as much as those things did. Her father could be reasoned with if you showed him enough respect; they could not. The howls of sorrow trapped inside distant memory disturbed her more than when they ran her way, jaws chomping and drooling for a taste of human flesh. Something she had only seen in her brother’s horror movies, and even those couldn’t prepare her for the sights she had seen. It was the humanity lost somewhere within them - that’s what terrified her. She remembered the first time she caught wind of the pandemic beginning to break across the globe; her ear just barely picking up the sound of the radio over power drills and welders.

She hadn’t been able to find Abraham since things really went to shit.

The military did what they could when things started to get out of control, but even they had families to protect and sticking around to maintain order just seemed foolish. Multiple trips were made to the Ford residence with no luck; Cupboards were barren, clothes strewn about and that picture he had on the mantle of the two of them one Christmas was busted out of its frame. Despite her excuses - he didn’t have time to come for me. they were in trouble. he did come by but I was already gone. he’s still around, we just keep missing each other. - she couldn’t kill the eating thought that he just left her. His baby sister, abandoned. He broke his promise. Subconsciously, that was the biggest reason she kept one foot in Houston - he was still coming back for her. But with every day that passed with no sign of life, the hope that he was still close - and breathing - faded further and further away...

7

The camp was far beyond the rest of civilization. And good for it. The tops of buildings looked like shoe boxes interwoven with visibly abandoned streets in the far distance, gray in comparison to what it once used to be. This flat plot of land had barely been touched by human hands when it was found; turned up dirt and rock accompanied by machinery and port-a-potties. A construction sight soon to be turned into a number of vacation homes, that much they gathered from the weathered sign stuck in the ground at the base of the hill.

Breakfast ended an hour ago; watery eggs with sparse salt and bitter potatoes. Everyone was busy now, in the full swing of their day; taking buckets of dishes to the river to be washed while another group returned with wet laundry to hang dry.

“You should let these grow so I can push them to the side. You don’t really want all this hair in your eyes do ya, hun?”

Jane Ford, forty-two, a high school swim coach in what now seemed to be another life now sat in her husband’s tattered flannel and blue jeans tucked into yellow hospital socks. With her eldest between her knees, she snipped away at the atrocious bob the child had given herself a year prior. Her bangs stuck out every which way and no amount of water, time, or prayer would set the needle straight hairs into place. Jane huffed in defeat and dropped the comb and fabric scissors into a cup at her foot.

“I like it like this, momma.” The ten year old stated while playing with the torn ear of her stuffed bunny, given to Jane as a baby shower gift from her aunt. The dirty old thing brought her comfort more now than ever, a reminder of her favorite - well, her only - aunt.

‘You hug this little guy every single night. And wherever I am I’ll be sure to feel it.’

“Leave her hair alone, darlin’. If she likes it than she likes it.” Abraham watched his girls while sipping a black coffee, occasionally looking out into the horizon to scan for survivors or otherwise. “We Fords have the tendency to look good in whatever hairstyle we’re rockin’.” He winked at his daughter who grinned.

“Tell that to your tenth grade mullet.” “You still had a crush on me didn’t ya sweetheart?” “Oh, stick it!” “Last time I did we ended up with the twins..” “Ew, dad!”

He howled with laughter and beckoned his child to come towards him. She jumped up into his lap and he tussled her wet hair, the act earning him a curse from his wife. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head and took that moment to thank God. His family, all five of them, were together and secure. But every thankful thought was followed by the sudden sorrow he felt for his first family; his baby sister. Big Bad Bill. 

He was a military sergeant and when he was called to duty the only thing on his mind was getting this issue under control. He only evacuated the quarantine camps when he had absolutely no choice and by the time he reached his home in the suburbs it was too late to go the inner city. She was just too far away from him. He couldn’t count on all fingers and toes how many times he’d been down in that area since then, practically swatting her home the second he could. Empty. She had taken the photo of them from his high school graduation on her fireplace.

Despite the “no man left behind” attitude instilled in him during boot camp, he just couldn’t bring himself to believe that his sister was still alive. She was tough, but she wasn’t survive-life-or-death-situations-tough. She was just a mechanic.

A familiar shrill voice followed by marching steps in the gravel snapped him out of his pity party. With a groan, he shooed his daughter away to play with the other kids before standing to meet the five-foot-two hurricane that was Marizol Espinosa. “Dios mio Abraham! My Rosita should have been home days ago!” The group he had sent out nearly three days ago had yet to return and despite the majorities silence, everyone was a little worried about their return. Marizol was not one of the silent ones.

“Te quiero fuera. Out there. Searching for them.” A manicured hand rested on a jutted hip, the other pointing a bullet like index into the ginger brutes face. Jane’s eyes flickered between the two cautiously as she busied herself with cleaning chunks of dark hair from her lap.

“Mary, I wouldn’t have sent the group that I sent if I didn’t think they could handle their hides. Give em the day darlin’, I’ll radio in from time to time and if nothin’ still I’ll send a crew after em.”

“Oh dios- get more people lost! Or killed! You listen to me jengibre...” As she opened her mouth to grill him with undoubtedly ruthless insults, the radio on his belt crackled with life. A female voice just barely came through. Abraham gave Marizol a smug grin.

8

“I’ve always loved you, and made you happy...and nothing else could come between...but now you’ve left me, to love another...you have shattered..all..of my dreams..” Breathless, Billie trudged along the side of the road as the afternoon heat caused beads of sweat to rolled down her jaw. With daylight running low she was worried this would be another unsuccessful supply run, having already searching multiple stores and homes throughout town. “You are my sunshine. My only sunshine..you make me happy when skies are gray..you’ll never know dear- fuckin’ hell it’s hot.”

She came to a stop outside of a gas station. A run down shack of a business that she had been to multiple times for a cigarette and a beer during her commute back home after work. But with its busted out windows and disregarded hoses it looked to be a completely foreign shop.

In and out quickly was the plan, and smooth enough it went. She packed what she could; in her months of scavenging she learned quickly that if you looked for things where those things weren’t meant to be, you could find what you needed. With a bowie knife in one hand and a half melted snickers from the cash register in the other she wandered the aisles freely, skimming underneath shelves for stray cans and water bottles. As she was preparing to leave, check today off as a successful enough day, one too many walkers began crowding the door from which she came, falling through busted windows and disemboweling themselves on shards of glass. She took down what she could with her bowie, hoping to clear a way to the road but for every one she killed two more crowded in its place. “Fuck.”

Searching hastily with a newfound feeling of vertigo, she spotted the employee exit behind the counter. A pipe had been lodged into the handle and bent outwards, trapping it shut. She cleared the counter, shivering at the feeling of rotting hands skimming the back of her arms before forcing the pipe out of place and slamming the door shut behind her. Her footsteps echoed off the walls as she searched her bag for a flashlight, her knife wielding hand still raised defensively.

“Grab them!”

Billie felt the sharp pain of a shoulder in her spine as she was tackled to the ground, her cheek crashing into the cold pavement and the wind escaping her lungs as her knife slid feet away from her grasp. She was frisked for her weapons, her bag tore violently from her shoulder as a knee remained snug between her shoulder blades.

“You one of the bitches that jumped us?” “Huh!? No!”

The cool metal of a gun barrel met her temple and she stuttered, “I ain’t here to hurt no one! I’m just stuck! On the bible, man!”

“What do you mean stuck?”

“There’s an ocean of them dead fools out that door behind me- gotta be packed to capacity by now. Man can you get off my back you’re hurting me!”

She was hoisted to her feet as a lamp clicked on. The room lit up in a small yellow glow, revealing a number of people surrounding her. To her left, brunette hair was pulled back under a military cap and tan hands secured in fingerless gloves held a glock steady to her head. Latina. Her glare was strong, eyebrows knitted as she trained her sights on Billie.

“There was a group in here yesterday. They locked us in.” In front of her, a young asian boy sat on a railing. They were in a garage. “Think you can help us out of here?” The man previously kneeling on her spine asked. He was the stockiest of the group; dark skinned, a gap tooth, and a flat cap concealing a bald head. 

She didn’t have much of a choice. Either they all got out or none of them got out. “I can try once your friend gets that barrel off my cheek.” She huffed. A delivery truck sat begging to be used in the middle of the garage. A full tank but no keys, they say. Luckily for them, Billie didn’t need keys. She looked towards the latina, and only after the asian boys pleas did she lower her weapon.

After she jimmied the lock for a while, Billie got the door open and jumped into the driver seat, the latina following her every move as she popped off the connector to the ignition. She looked down to the only other woman and quirked a smile, “you wouldn’t happen to have a bobby pin would ya, hun?” Deadpanned, she dug into her hair and retrieved two bobby pins, slapping them into Billie’s hand who muttered a thank you. In seconds she had the pins poked into each hole of the connector and the truck growled with life. First the lights, brightening the room even more but she refrained from turning the engine, alas, suffocating them all with toxic fumes. Billie turned to the woman below, already used to the bitter gaze she sent her way. “You get the door open and you’re home free.”

“You should come with us.” Once stepping out of the truck she was greeted by the man that had tackled her to the ground, now smiling at her apologetically while extending a hand to shake, “call me T-Dog.” The latina huffed in protest. “She’s useful, Rosita.” Rosita.

“I would love to but uh..I got people waiting on me.” “They can come too.” “There’s no way you’re getting this truck up that road.” “We’ll wait.” “We can’t wait for some stranger, we’ve got people worried about us.”

“I could go with you!” It was the asian boy again, short black hair now covered with a baseball cap. He approached Billie with a smile that rivaled T-Dog’s. These weren’t people that Billie would coin as survivors - all but Rosita maybe - but here they were anyways. “I know my way around the city. We can pick up whoever you’re with and head back to camp.”

“So there’s more of y’all..?” “Loads.”

Rosita shook her head again. “No, no. That’s too many more mouths to feed and we’re already low on supplies.”

“Actually, Rosita, I don’t think supplies will be an issue...”

A voice echoed from within the newly unlocked truck, the sliding door disconnecting the storage space from the front seat now wide open. They followed the sounds of his footsteps to the back door where it was then unlocked from inside, flew open with a loud clang, and revealed stacks upon stacks of unopened cans, bags of chips, and soda. The man - the eldest of the group - smiled down at them, particularly Billie. “That solves that problem young lady.”

“Look at that,” the asian quipped, “we’ve got food for a few more mouths, someone who knows their way around a sticky situation, and you got us to watch your back. Sounds like wins all around to me!”

Everyone seemed to be in agreement of letting this squirrely stranger and her mystery companions join the group, all but Rosita, who had Billie wondering if she had cut her off in traffic one time.

“She helped us when we needed it, Ro,” he reasoned, “she didn’t have to.” He seemed keen on having Billie join them but she just shrugged; made no difference to her. Even the older man, who looked to have been on a fishing trip before they got locked in here, threw in his two cents. “Always room for a survivor.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Rosita squared up to Billie with folded arms. “You get that door open and you get to come back with us. Bring your boyfriend or whatever. Bien?”

“Gracias, a-mee-go.”

If you looked for things where those things weren’t meant to be, you could find what you needed. - Billie’s Law. 

Billie knew garages like the back of her hand, and she knew of the spare clicker that came with every garage system. It was a shot in the dark, hoping the door would even work if she found it, but she searched high and low despite it. Even despite Rosita’s smug bark of ‘we looked for it already’. Like a dog on a scent she overturned garbage cans and tools boxes all while she watched impassively. No clicker. But underneath a uniform coat, beneath a stack of scrap metal, was a car jack, and Billie knew more than a few ways to use one of those.

With a loud bang and a rustic whine, Billie managed to jam the jack underneath the door enough to bend it and gave the handle a few pumps to lift it all while T-Dog and Rosita readied themselves to bash the skulls of any unwanted stragglers. She managed enough space to roll under and the asian boy quickly followed, keeping an eye out for her while she finished the job. Eyes stinging with sweat, Billie picked away at the lock while disembodied moans approached her, silenced by the lead pipe her new comrade armed himself with. The door was finally freed in minutes; they were free and she had a new home for her baby boy.

“Looks like you’re ours now.” The boy smiled again. “Glenn.”

She shook his hand, her grip firmer than his. “Billie.”

[brieannakeogh]

I’m Not Her- Ch 6

I’m Not Her- Bucky Barnes x Reader. Bucky can’t stop a girl getting killed in a robbery gone wrong, but what happens when he sees her all over the place.

Previous Chapter / Master List

Warnings: Trigger warning for anyone that has lost a loved one recently. 

Chapter 6

Steve hasn’t seen Bucky in a few days, which he figured he was busy with you, but when he doesn’t show up for the meeting that morning, ice runs through his veins. He gets through it as quickly as possible before he’s tearing out of the building and riding down the road to Bucky’s place.

There’s no answer at the door when he pounds on it, and dread forms in his stomach. Did Hydra find him? Somehow snatched him without a fight? He doesn’t see any broken points of entry. If that had been the case you surely would have come looking for him at the compound. The two of you had been practically inseparable. Steve pulls out his phone when another round of knocking fails to produce an answer. Scrolling down the list, he stops on your name. Bucky had given it to him ‘in case of emergency’, and right now this felt like an emergency.

“Hello?” He could hear the hoarseness of your voice and said your name to confirm he had the right number. “Yeah...wait, is this Steve?”

“I’m sorry to call you, but I’m looking for Bucky. He didn’t show up at the compound this morning and he’s not answering his door or his phone. Is he with you?”

“No, no he’s not and you can lose this number. I don’t plan on seeing him again.”

“What? What happened?” Steve’s brow furrows. It’s much worse than he thought. He hears the hurt in your voice, but knows that Bucky wouldn’t do anything deliberately unless he thought he was protecting you.

“I hate to break it to you but your friend is an asshole.” On some level you knew that you were speaking with Captain America, the pillar of truth, justice...blah, blah, blah, or maybe that was Superman. Either way you didn’t care. “He fucking used me, manipulated me, all to make himself feel better. Ease the fucking guilt.” You sniffle, trying to keep the tears you had cried all night, back. “I can’t believe I ever trusted him, thought for a second he actually liked me, for me. No it’s always my sister, the favorite, the only one that ever mattered and now she’s gone. It should have been me that died so the two of them could live happily ever after, but no he got stuck with me. A poor man’s substitute.” You were openly sobbing now, not caring if he heard. “Just fuck off Steve.” At that you hung up.

Steve brought the phone down, just staring at the device in his hand as a crack runs down the middle of the screen. He loosens his grip and pockets it again, slapping his palm on Bucky’s door in frustration. “What the fuck did you do?” He mutters to the empty hallway, not expecting an answer from inside the apartment.

“It’s my fault.” Bucky’s quiet muffled voice barely reaches Steve’s ears.

“Goddamn it Buck! Come open this door right now or I swear I will knock it down.”

The Bucky that finally answers the door is cold and stoic. A blank mask, that if Steve didn’t see the twinge of pink around his eyes would make him think that the Winter Soldier is back. Steve pushes past him and starts pacing in the living room, he stops when he sees the destruction around him. Bucky’s apartment was sparsely decorated and held little furniture, but what he did have was broken and ripped apart. Pillows with stuffing torn out, mugs and glasses shattered against the wall, laying in pieces on the floor.

“What the fuck happened here and what is your fault?” Steve crossed his arms, waiting for his friend to tell him what is going on. Bucky just shuffles to the kitchen, sitting on a bar stool by the counter.

“I could hear her on the phone yelling at you. Sorry about that.”

“What did she mean you used her? And she was talking about her sister? What does that have to do with you and her?” Steve had an inkling on what it was all about, but he couldn’t voice it. Believe it. Bucky wasn’t that kind of guy.

“It’s true. All of it. I used her to ease my own guilt about her sister, about what Hydra made me do, everything. It’s the only explanation.” The last bit he said quietly, mostly to himself as he stared at the island counter in front of him, not looking up at Steve as he drew nearer.

“Bucky, I’m only going to say this once. Tell me exactly what happened.”

So Bucky did. Laid it all out for him. From the beginning of the relationship to how he fucked it all up. Steve just stood quietly through the whole thing, only slightly flinching when he told him what he did to break you. Bucky hadn’t looked at him once the whole time he was talking, but after it was all said and done he couldn’t stand the silence. The moment their eyes met, Steve clocked him and sent him off the stool into the floor, broken glass and ceramic surrounding him.

Steve stood over him, seething. Hands clenching and unclenching into tight fists. Bucky just laid there, not defending himself and not making up any excuses. He had no idea why he did what he did, he wasn’t even thinking about anything but how good you felt and the sweet smell of your perfume. He had no excuse to give.

The fire in Steve’s eyes started to cool as he watched his friend lie there in despair. Reaching down, he offered a hand up to Bucky, pulling him from the mess he made of his kitchen. Steve’s nose wrinkled as he caught a whiff of the man in front of him.

Dragging Bucky to the bathroom and shoving him in the shower, Steve left to fix him something hot to eat. Scrambled eggs and toast was about all he could find to make from the mostly empty fridge. Watching Bucky carefully to make sure he finished it all, Steve shooed him to his room to sleep before he got to work cleaning up the mess he had made all over the place.

You hadn’t been fairing much better. The last few days didn’t feel real. The anger had turned to numbness as you went through your day mechanically. You went to work when you were supposed to, you ate when you were supposed to, you went home when you were supposed to, then spent the nights sitting in your bed crying. This couldn’t last, you told yourself. It wasn’t healthy, but you had never felt this gaping hole before. Breaking up with someone sucked, but it was never this. Somehow it felt as if you had lost your sister all over again.

Walking between the trees and headstones, you found yourself at her grave more and more. The first time you visited was right after you got back from France, it was one of your first stops. You knew that until you saw the marker, it just wouldn’t be real to you, and you hadn’t been back until that same afternoon that Bucky said the wrong name. Leaving his apartment you went straight to her graveside and raged. Telling her it was unfair that she still was better than you, that she still was the most important, than blaming her for leaving you all alone. One of the groundskeepers had found you curled up asleep, arms wrapped around the granite headstone. After that you found yourself there practically everyday. Feeling a little less alone sitting on the wet grass six feet above her.

The call from Steve broke you even more. The numbness not coming as easily. Somehow knowing that Bucky was having a hard time too made it worse. You wanted to get angry, like you had been on the call with Steve, but it just wouldn’t come. Visiting her gravesite wasn’t helping anymore either. It seemed you couldn’t find peace no matter where you went. That’s when you remembered about the storage unit. Maybe being around her things would help?

The key was making an indention in your palm from how tightly you gripped it. Stepping quickly to the door, you lifted it up and look at what was left of her. Honestly you should have gone through these items months ago. You could barely afford the space, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go through it until now. There were boxes stacked up on the sides from where the movers had packed everything, cheap Ikea furniture scattered about. You set about pulling out things that held no sentimental value and you didn’t need for your own home. They would need to be collected by the trash company or maybe goodwill would come pick them up for you.

Your mind went blank as you worked. Looking over some of the random things she kept. Most of the important things were small and in the boxes. You decided it would be best to take the boxes back to your apartment to go through slowly and in private, in case you started to cry again. The looks the other tenants had given you when you pulled out a piece of macaroni art from the 3rd grade already embarrassed you enough.

It took you days to go though just the big items, deciding what you would keep and what you would throw away or donate. Her tv was bigger and nicer than yours so that was definitely a keep, but most of the furniture wasn’t to your tastes, so it was donated. You now had a sizable collection of boxes taking up a large chunk of space in your apartment, but the unit was clean which was one less bill to pay.

Your sister was a lot more sentimental than you gave her credit for. She had kept a number of your school projects and toys from when you were children. The most surprising thing you found, were diaries. Somehow she had been keeping them since she was 12 and you had never seen any of them. So that’s what you spent most of your nights doing now when you got home from work. Reading her journals and learning so much you didn’t know before.

She wanted to be a writer and some of her notebooks were filled with short stories, but she knew the low chance she had at making a living off of it, so she went to school for practical things. The writing never stopped, it just got better as she got older. Apparently she took a few creative writing courses too.

The worst diary to get through was during the alien invasion on New York. You hadn’t been here at the time, but you knew she had. She told you that she had been near it, but not to worry she was safe. That was the extent of your talk with her about it, but she had lied. She hadn’t wanted you to worry, so she left out the part of being trapped in a building and almost getting hit by gun fire. That’s when she became a little obsessed with the Avengers. Steve had saved her life and she watched the rest of the team fight off the invasion. From then on there was some sort of information about the Avengers in her diary. Some mention about what the gossip channels said, or frustration on how they were portrayed in the media. You had no idea.

When she had found out that The Winter Soldier had been Steve’s best friend Bucky, she had gone into research mode. There were pages and pages of everything she could scrounge up. She refused to believe the narrative that Bucky had betrayed his best friend and country without an explanation. Eventually she found it, ‘Hydra’ scribbled everywhere in the margins.

She knew more of the details of what Bucky had gone through than you had. Reading some of the accounts of what she found was horrifying. The way she wrote about him made it all click. She had been in love with this man she never met. Wanting to protect him and give him peace. Of course she would step in front and take the hit. Her last words becoming clearer, “no...hurts” didn’t mean herself, but Bucky, she didn’t want him to hurt anymore.

You sobbed for your sister and for the man that still had a place in your heart. You had found one common ground with her and you knew what you had to do. Even if you could never forgive him, he needed to see this. He needed peace.

Next Chapter

I think going through a loved one’s items that has passed is probably one of the hardest things someone has to do. I didn’t spend a lot of time on it but hopefully at least a little of that emotion was captured here. 

Let me know what you think. Next chapter will be longer as well. 

Tags are still open if interested. 

@katykyll, @avengersrulez1536, @ultrafreespirit, @wantingtobekorra,   @i-had-a-life-once, @ghostssss​, @babybeluuga​, @bodhi-black​,  @kanupps06​, @hatterripper31, @grandloser, @reniescarlett, @kjidhzyx, @normanreedus5150, @ilovethings-somuch, @spiderman-2013, @bloodyvalentine93, @xx-raven, @passionghost,  @prettybubblesintheair, @averyrogers83, @stevieang, @albinotigerpython, @ria132love, @whom-the-fack, @paintballkid711, @lilypalmer1987, @the-strandedgypsy, @serenaphoenix81, @theonelittleone, @spidey-babe-parker, @stanclub, @clifaye,

[fanofafan2ff]

49: Long Time Coming

Madison

I groaned feeling Chris’s cold lips on my skin. You would think I was used to it by now. He’s been doing this every morning since I told him I was pregnant. So, that was about a week now. He placed the kisses all over my stomach and I couldn’t help but giggle. 

“The least you could do is put some Chapstick on them crusty lips before kissing on my stomach. Carmex. Vaseline. Something.” I joked. He stopped what he was doing, lifted his head and gave me the ugliest mug. “You a hater man.” He finally laughed. 

“Can you go back to being quiet? Me and my daughter was having a real conversation down here.” He lowered his head. He placed another kiss on my belly before he got to whispering. “...And you can’t be dating til you like what? ‘Bout 45. I think that’s reasonable.” I started cracking up. 

“You really ain’t trying to let a nigga have his father daughter moments.” “It’s a boy.” I ran my hand over my stomach. I wasn’t showing, but shit, the way I was eating these days you would I was 6 months already. I was being colorful but still. I was gaining weight pretty fast in this pregnancy.

“Imma be happy regardless.” He admitted. I agreed. He finally crawled back to the top of the bed and planted a kiss on my forehead. “I ain’t kissing them lips til you brush them teeth. dragon breath having ass.” He cackled. I shut him up quick with pinch. “I hate when you do that shit.” He whined. 

“Then stop talking shit.” I warned removing myself from the covers. “All that shit you was just talking. I ain’t did nothing.” “Cause I’m with child.” I batted my lashes. He kissed his teeth and I scurried off to pee. I heard Chris leave the room to get Christian up and ready for school. 

We were gonna get him off to school, and we would be on our way to my doctor’s appointment. Although my parents left two days ago, Mama J, Desean, and Ly would be here for a few more days so I would have company for after we came back and Chris went to the studio. 

I got in the shower, brushed my teeth, and got myself together before Chris and Christian sauntered in the room. “You look so cute.” I pinched his cheeks and ran my hand over his hair. “Mommy. I want hair like daddy.” Christian fiddled with his curls. 

I scrunched my face up and Chris laughed. He was talking about the two braids Chris donned on his head. I hated them. “You need more hair for that pumpkin.” “Daddy said I not getting a haircut, so I can have them.” He cheesed. I shot Chris a look and he just laughed a little harder. 

“What? My boy wanna look like me, hater! Now, go feed my kids.” He winked. He’s so annoying. “Mama made breakfast.” He said pulling his shirt off and sauntering into the bathroom. Christian held my hand and chatted about his hair all the way downstairs. I kissed Mama J and Ly while he told them about his hair. 

“I gonna look like daddy.” He was so happy to get braids and he barely had the hair for it. I shook my head before the scent of the scrambled eggs hit my nostrils. I wanted to gag. And seeing as how Chris and I decided that we weren’t telling anyone for another two weeks, I swerved them when Mama J tried to put them in my plate.

Fruit, bacon, and toast did it for me this morning. Christian had some fruit and some eggs. “What y’all doing today?” “Sleeping.” Ly answered first.  She yawned as she caressed her belly. I giggled, I completely understood. I knew she was ready to drop this baby. 

Chris cam down the steps singing, with Christian’s backpack in his hands. “Morning ugly.” Ly made sure to call to her brother. “Ly, I’m in too good of a mood to even start with you today.” He gently mushed her face. He kissed his mother’s forehead and went on to pack Christian’s snack in his backpack. 

Despite the braids, he looked so sexy. And with my hormones acting the way they were, I knew what we’d be doing after we got home.

“Well, if it isn’t one of my favorite couples? Chris, how nice to see you!” Doctor Lopez smiled in his direction. They embraced in a quick hug. “What’s up doc?” He laughed after he let her good. “Hi Madison. How are you? How you feeling this week?” “I’m doing great, thank you.” 

“That’s good, that’s good. How have your eating habits been?” “Great.” I laughed. Considering I’ve already gained five pounds and I’m just short of 10 weeks, my eating habits obviously have a mind of their own. I was gaining weight so rapidly, it was crazy. Chris was encouraging it too. Every two seconds he would either make sure I was munching on something or asking me if I wanted something else to eat. 

“Well, I can see that. Looks like you gained almost five and a half pounds since I last saw you. But that’s okay. Just as long as we don’t indulge in anything that can put you or the baby at risk, okay?” She was talking to me, but Chris made sure to nod his head. 

“Alright, let’s see how our little rugrat is doing, shall we? Is this the first time daddy is gonna get to see?” She asked. “Yes ma’am.” Chris nodded and latched on to my hand. “Okay, let’s get going then.” She spread the cold gel over my stomach before starting the ultrasound. 

“Okay, let’s hear that heartbeat.” Not long after she said that, the lubb-dubb sounds filled the room, and if I was right, Chris let out a sigh of relief. “Nice and strong.” She smiled at the screen. “And he or she is right here.” She pointed at the screen. I couldn’t help but look at Chris and get a little teary eyed. He was so happy.

For the rest of the appointment, Chris asked a million and one questions. Any one else would have been annoyed, but it was kind of cute actually. He just wanted to make sure everything went right with this pregnancy. We got pictures, got me cleaned up, made or next appointment, and were on our way home. 

“I can’t believe I already gained five pounds.” I whined. “Don’t even worry about it big mama, you still look good.” He kissed my hand. “Don’t call me that.” I laughed and snatched my hand from him. “Why? That’s what I called you when you was pregnant with Christian.” “I know, but I feel like I’m really about to blow up this pregnancy. I’m gonna be as big as a house.” “More cushion for the pushing.” He bit his lip making me crack up. 

“You hungry?” He asked. “No, just sleepy. And a little horny.” I admitted. “Ahh, shit! A nigga ‘bout to get some pussy!” The way he said the last word had me dying. “You not getting nothing!” I fibbed. He kissed his teeth. “I’m fucking you into that mattress.” “Stopppppp!” I whined making him laugh. “Alright, alright.” He laughed. We pulled up to the stop light and his phone rang from in the cup holder. 

He answered, “What’s up Lola?” My eye roll was vicious. They were still working together to get his album together. It obviously irked me, it has from the start, but what could I say? Stop working with the girl? No. Plus, Chris knew better. 

“Nah, I had some errands I had to run this morning. I might not even make it in to the studio today... Yeah... Um, nah. Just text it to my phone so I can look them over. Yeah, aight. Later.” He hung up and looked over at me while I kept my eyes on the road. 

“You gonna get an attitude every time I talk to her?” He asked. “Who says I have an attitude?” I asked. “That’s what it seem like. I thought we talked about Lola already?” He placed his hand on my thigh. “Yeah, we did. But we didn’t finish having our conversation, because... well you know.” I sighed thinking about that day Mark came over to deliver the bad news. 

“You still think I don’t trust you?” I looked over at him with sad eyes. He looked away from the road quickly to look me back in my eyes but didn’t answer. That gave me my answer. I pushed his hand off my thigh and crossed my legs, and folded my arms. I just wanted get home and into the bed at this point.

The rest of the ride home only took about fifteen minutes and we were both silent the whole time. When he pulled into the garage and shut the car off,  I dropped my phone into my bag, picked it up and carefully got out the car. 

When I walked into the living room, Ly was on the couch by herself under a blanket. I flopped down next to her and rubbed her round stomach. “Hey babes.” She greeted me. “Hi.” I replied. I answered. “So what got you so down miss lady?” She asked. I just sighed. 

“I honestly don’t have the energy to talk about it right now. I’m gonna go take a nap. See you later Ly.” I got my purse and resorted upstairs to our room. I kicked my sandals off, and tied my hair up in a bun before diving underneath the covers. I wasn’t wasting no time, withing a few minutes, I was out like a light. 

Chris

“Yo, you ready?” I walked in the living room to see my sister lounging on the couch. She was supposed to be ready to go when I got back. “Um, negro. I am ready!” She gave me a stank look. She sat up slowly before getting up and slipping on her sandals. 

“Don’t come in here acting like you run shit, little brother.” I kissed my teeth. “Man, whatever.” “I swear, you and Madison are so annoying. Once one of y’all is in a mood, then next one follows.” She pulled on her denim jacket and we were heading back into the garage. 

I helped her climb into her seat before getting into mine. We pulled out of the garage and were on our way. “Okay, Christopher what happened? Madison came in there looking like a sad puppy. You look like a sad Pitbull. What’s up?” I cracked a smile at her joke. 

“I don’t think Madison trusts me. In the back of her mind, one of these days she gonna find out I’m cheating on her. Which ain’t true at all. The shit got my head all types a fucked up because, if she don’t trust me what’s the point in her being my wife, you know?” She nodded slowly as she listened. 

“Okay, let’s start with this. Have you ever cheated on her?” She asked. My jaw clenched. “Yeah, a long time ago.” “Okay, did she forgive you?” “Yeah.” “Have you ever given her a reason to think you were cheating again?” “No.” I stopped myself from lying. “Yeah.” I sighed. I could tell she was waiting for me to explain.

“It’s this girl I work with. She helps write some of the songs. She get a little touchy feely with me from time to time, she flirts too but I don’t pay that girl no mind. Madi walked in on her flirting with me one day and ever since then she got it in her mind I’m cheating on her. And I mean, I get where she get that from, cause I be leaving the house not coming back till twelve plus hours later, but a nigga ain’t cheating. I’m just trying to finish my damn album.” 

“Chris, if Madi didn’t trust you or thought you were gonna cheat on her, I promise you she would have left you already. Madison is a strong woman. She would not sit around and wait for you to cheat on her. She would pack her shit, Christian shit and be out. Okay? That girl loves you. I’m not sure why, but she does.” She shrugged. 

“Now stop worrying. You told me yourself that you were ready to marry her. You are ready for this commitment. Don’t get cold feet now. Madison was meant to be your wife. You know that.” She assured me. I sat in my thoughts for a minute or two just thinking about what she said. I agreed, but this was something Madison and I had to talk through either way.

“Thank sis.” “No problem big head. Now, stop trying to ruin my chance at being a maid of honor.” She fanned me off. I chuckled and focused back on the road. We were headed to Tiffany’s for a private showing of some engagement rings. I couldn’t be walking into no jewelry store about to do this with my mind all fucked up.  

When we got there, I made sure to pull around back, and let Jack know we were outside. He let me know the back door was open. I helped my sister out the car and we made our way inside. 

“Alright, so with all the changes and details considered we’re looking at about $58,000.” Jack calculated. I nodded my head, “That’s all?” He chuckled. I looked over the ring we were starting with. In a few weeks, it would be polished with a two carat diamond and engraved before I could pop the question. 

“Oh my God.” I heard my sister whisper. “Chris, that’s a lot of money.” “She worth every penny.” I said. I worked hard for my money, so I had no reservations about spending it on the people I loved. That’s why I had Jack bring out another selection of fine jewelry. Bracelets, charms, necklaces, and earrings. Ly ogled the rose gold bracelet and I didn’t even let her ask for it before I told him to wrap it up for us, along with some earrings. I had my mama something too. 

“I feel like a fancy bitch now.” My sister cackled as he handed over the bags to her. I chuckled and we stood. I handed him the money and we shook hands. “Thanks again man.” “No problem, CB. Pleasure doing business with you. I’ll let you know how everything’s coming along soon.” “Alright man, later.” 

On our way back home, we picked up some food because Ly was craving some tacos. I ain’t object, a nigga was hungry too. We hid the bags upstairs in Ly’s room, it was easy too since Madi was still asleep, and so was my mama. Ly and I ate and watched some TV before I decided it was time to wake my baby mama up. 

She was wrapped up in the covers, on her side, snoring lightly. She looked peaceful. I almost didn’t wanna wake her up. I climbed in the bed next to her, making sure to pull her close and kiss her neck. She groaned but I didn’t let up. Eventually she started to wake up. 

“Chris get off. You smell weird.” She whined. “I smell like tacos.” I laughed. “Wake up baby, you been sleep for 3 hours.” “10 more minutes.” She bargained. “Nah, get up.” My assault on her neck never letting up. A few more seconds in I heard a moan slip from her lips.

Got her. 

Her choice of wearing this sweater dress thing really was clutch as fuck. I let my hand slip up and over her panties before sliding my hand inside completely. I let my finger rub her clit, getting her nice and wet before slipping two fingers inside her warmth. “Ooh.” She sang as I stroked her slowly. 

“Yessss.” She hissed as she started to roll her hips against my fingers. I kept pumping while she sang quietly. Her pussy was getting juicy as fuck. There was no way I wasn’t getting inside this shit today. I pulled my fingers out and licked my fingers clean before coming up out of my jeans. 

I didn’t even waste anytime pulling her panties off. I moved the lacy material to the side before pulling my dick out. She was still on her side. I lifted her leg up and scooted closer behind her. I slowly guided my dick inside her warmth, knowing she needed time to adjust to my size. 

She reached behind her to grip my arm when I was half way inside. I started stroking slow, not trying to give her more than she could handle. I groaned in her ear, her pussy felt so fucking good. She kept quiet for the most part, only gasping and moaning lowly. That was until I sped up. 

Her moans got a little louder, and I had to remind her we weren’t alone on the house. She started tightening her walls around me and mumble a curse word or two under my breath. This pussy was so good. I couldn’t help myself as I sped up a little. She put her face into the pillows in an effort to muffle her screams. Not before long she was cumming all over my dick. 

Knowing just what she liked, I fucked her through her orgasm, and ordered her to rub her clit in the meantime. By time her second orgasm rolled around we were cumming together. I stroked her few more times before slowly pulling out. I laid back trying to catch my breath. Mid day sex was the best. 

“My kitty is sore already.” She whined rolling over. I had to laughed. If that little quickie had her sore already, she was in for it tonight. We still took a few minutes to catch our breaths. 

“I know you trust me.” I blurted out. “You just don’t trust Lola. I’m gonna get it taken care of, alright?” “No, Chris it’s okay. I’ll deal with it.” She reasoned. “Nah, you uncomfortable with it, so I’m gonna take care of it. Aight?” She gently turned my face so I was facing her. “Thank you.” She smiled before pecking me quickly. 

“What time is it?” She asked. I rolled over to check the clock, “2:30.” She smirked at me before crawling lower on the bed. She gripped my dick in her hands before starting to jerk it slowly while looking in my eyes. I bit my lip watching her hand slide up and down my shaft. The second her mouth came into contact with my dick, I groaned. 

Yeah, she was definitely gonna be my wife. 

[5point9million-blog]

Bacon, Eggs, Grits With Toast

In the literary universe that I am creating this breakfast signifies a new beginning.  I find it kind of funny that this new beginning or new chapter of my life is starting because of a bunch of confusion.  I believe that I mentioned the conversation that I had with Trenece the other day.  On how refreshing it was to talk to her but yet at the same time it felt still kind of weird and off-putting.  It kind of let me know that we were still “together” but yet at the same time... she is still not really talking to me and I haven’t really got to spend any time with her.  Of course, that makes me feel some type of way.  Especially because the only thing I find myself doing is going to work and coming back home.  This week I am on the schedule for 6 days (working 7 days straight).  Of course, I am getting a lot of hours... but yet at the same time I have no life at all.  So that just means that I can just save money.  Especially because I am not spending any time with Trenece and since we don’t talk.  She doesn’t ask me for anything... that and the simple fact that she is making her own money now.

3 things that happened that really threw me for a loop.

1. Was the conversation that I had with Trenece yesterday.

Yesterday, I had got up and went to the gym.  Then I went to the store and bought some toothpaste and a toothbrush and some new headphones.  Then I went to Subway and got a sub. Came home, ate my sandwich and took a nap.  Then I got up and took a shower.  While I was in the shower, Trenece had called me.  After I looked at my phone and noticed that she had called, I called her back.

I explained to her that I was in the shower and getting ready for work and asked her what’s up.  Then she told me that someone had called her the night before and told her that I said to call her.  Immediately, I told her no.  I had absolutely no idea who this person was and why would they tell her something like that.  I told her that I would never ask of something like that from somebody.  Especially if I have her number.  I told her that everything was everything and nothing has really changed since the last time we spoke other than the simple fact that I got a new toothbrush.

Then she said that she just want to call just to check in and see how everything was going.  She went on to tell me that she is still trying to figure out how to navigate her life with this new job and how to incorporate a personal life in it.  Especially because since she has a car, everyone is trying to depend on her to be their shofer.  So I explained to her again that I have been working crazy hours at work and the people at my house are still accusing me of owing money for rent.  And that I have been actively looking for a new place to stay.  And that I am tired of living underneath the Oxford House thumb for this long.

That was basically the whole conversation.

So she said that she would call me back and then we hung up.  I got off feeling pretty good about myself.  Yet I couldn’t shake this funny feeling that I had.  There are only 2 people in this world that I would ever ask such a task of telling Trenece to call me and that would be her sister and Chantel.  Yet ever since we started talking again, I have been in the practice of telling less about what is going on in our relationship to people in general.  Like I said to her, if I had an issue I would just bring it to her directly.  So, it got me wondering on just who this mystery person was and why would they say something like that??  On top of the simple fact of the way that Trenece had presented this accusation in the first place.  She said someone as if there are a decent group of mutual acquaintances that we share and talk to on a daily basis that I feel comfortable with to even ask of such a request.  And that this group is so massive that the person to whom she was referring to simply slipped her mind just because she went to sleep before fulfilling this request.

So the thought of this conversation actually baffled my mind and perplexed me a bit.  Truth be told, I just brushed it off as her just trying to find some kind of segway into having a random conversation with me to see how I was doing and what I was doing without having her to seem as if she missed me or wondered about me.  I think the fact that I am not blowing up her phone or sending her all these thirsty ass text messages telling her I miss her is having her think that maybe I am moving on.  Which is simply not the case.  I am just taking the time to relax and get myself together... which leads me to the 2nd thing.

2, The interactions will people in public.

So I go to work and I am about a good hour early.  I sit in the lobby and play my game and try to hit some folks up about a place to stay because this is really starting to get to me.  Ebbie asks me to cash app her some money to her card so she can take an Uber home.  She gives me $30 in cash and rolls out.  I clock in and I am really having a hard time on the line for some reason.  I eventually place myself on the front line register and from there I pretty much stay for the rest of the evening.  After that, I break down the lobby side of the line and clean it very thurow. (IDK)... Last night we planned a cleaning party where we all stayed late and cleaned the store in all its cracks and crevesess just because this week is core week and we all want to get a good score.  That is really not my concern so much.  I mean at the end of the day, I try to make myself core-ready every day.  So I really don’t have to prepare myself when the people actually do come.

With the conversation that I had with Trenny and the way our relationship is right now.  I was a bit off.  The funny thing is is that even though I am unsure about our relationship status, two things I continue to do.  (1) Is I continue to act as if we are still together.  And that is because I know how rumors work.  Especially in such a public environment.  All I have to do is do something or say something that is contrary to us actually being in a relationship and it will automatically cause a butterfly effect of negativity in which I would either have to do damage control or just suffer the consequences.  I have had too much happen within these past couple of months to make things worse.  

The second thing is not really something that I do but something that is happening to me.  I feel like there is a barrier between me and other females.  It really started building itself when me and Trenece were having sex frequently.  It was as if my body became satisfied with just her and even though I find other females attractive... I have no desire to actually be with them or pursue anything with them.  I found myself behind the counter and I’m noticing the interaction I am with these females that I find attractive.  I am having a very nice conversation.  We are kind of flirting back and forth but yet at the same time I am kind of playing nieve and at the same time acting as if it’s all for the customer service.  Which in part it is but the other half is truly just to pass the time and enjoy these attractive women’s company for the time being.  Again, I have no desire to be with these people but just having the conversation and being helpful is pleasing to me.

Even Ashley is egging me on.  Every chance she gets she rubs my ass or pushes her body against me.  And the odd thing is is that just a few months ago that motion would make my dick hard and make me want to see what she is about.  Yet with so many attempts at trying for her hand and failing.  Plus that is established that I am with Trenece that nobody could even foresee me going anywhere with her or doing anything.  I believe the only reason why she does these sorts of things is because I don’t give her the reaction that she wants from me.

She is a tease.

She likes hanging men on a string and leaves them dangling until she is ready (if she is ever) to do her bidding.  Me on the other hand, I not only don’t give her the satisfaction... I respond apathetically as if I don’t care either way... in most cases I don’t.  In some cases, I want to pursue something with her but yet I always know it ain’t gonna go anywhere.  So I play the role of Trenece’s boyfriend  and leave it at that.  And again, this all due to the simple fact that this barrier has been placed up and particularly don’t mind. Why??  Because of the simple fact that I can now live life without the pressures of trying to fit in or be with someone or act like someone in order to fit in a feel normal.  I can just be me and people seem to like the person that I am right now. sober.

I ended up cleaning up and leaving at 2:55 am and everybody else left around five.  I never really took a break and nobody really even seemed to notice either.  I just went along with the flow.  Sharae (the store manager) collected money and got some Papa John’s.  The funny thing about that was that I actually had money to help pay for it.  And that was only because I did that transaction with Ebony hours before.  Again, me just going with the flow.  It’s almost the same thing with Ebbie though... of course it’s not physically but more just vocal.  Her and her have this cat and mouse thing that we play but it never gets serious.  A few years ago, I tried my hand.  but the timing was off and I just didn’t have the right swag to pull her.  And now that I do, I have this damn barrier up that I may have psychologically put up myself... either that or Trenny cast a spell on me.

Either way, Ebony seems to respect my relationship with Trenece.  Most likely because of the time that we have been together.  I mean.. even though we just officially got together this year, people always have treated us as if we were a couple.  So now that we are official, the respect is more prominent than it would have been if we had just met at Clout a couple of months back.

3, I ran into Chantel last night.

While I was coming home, I went to the 711 to get some cigarettes.  And as I walked up, I saw Chantel in a car.  She was driving and just sitting there.  As I walked up, she turned as spoke to me.  I made a quick survey of the store to look at who she was with and come to find out... she was by herself.  I was telling her about my house situation and me trying to find some places to stay and the conversation that I had with Trenece.  I figured because she was one of the 2 people that she could have been talking about... I figured maybe she would have some insight.  And as always... she did not.  She just figured that maybe Trenece was playing some type of game to see just what I would say to something like that.  Which I hope not.  Because one of my pet peeves is people treating me as if I am not a habitual creature.

So, as we were talking, it finally dawns on me.  And it went something like... “You know, I really don’t want to move.  I like where I live.  I just don’t like dealing with these Oxford people any more... You know what... I think I could ask the lady who owns the house that maybe we could take on the rent and live there.  That way I don’t have to move and we all have a place to stay”

Meanwhile, I am thinking in my head the whole time.  Me and Chantel are all by ourselves late night/early in the morning.  We pretty much aint got shit to do and my house is literally feet away from where we are standing at this 711.  As  a matter of fact,  during the conversation, we both get a pack of cigarettes and then get in her car and she ends up taking me home.  Then we both smoke a cigarette in my driveway... still talking.  The whole time I am thinking that this would be the most perfect opportunity to fuck her.  Yet the barrier keeps me from pursuing or even caring to do so.  It is more like a fleeting thought that is reoccurring just because we are in the situation.  I think I said before that Trenece has hinted Chantel’s attraction towards me and the only reason why we haven’t had sex is her loyalty towards her longtime friend.

Yet, I am sitting in my driveway, and the only real thing that is keeping me from sticking my dick in her is the simple fact that no one is initiating anything.  And I think that’s the big thing right there.  Because if someone where to initiate any type of sexual advance towards me... I would bite.  But it’s the fact that I am kind of slow with it comes to certain social ques that I don’t pick up on things quick enough for certain things to happen.  Chantel could have been very well been sending me signals last night to try to get me to get her in my bed and I totally missed them.  I might have won a victory and didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t even hug her or kiss her good night and that is usually something that I always do.

Maybe I will talk about what happened today later... but that is pretty much I want to talk about today.  I just thought that all these things happening were kind of odd and I wanted to share.  Truth is that I noticed that I have rambled on more than I thought I would and I have to be at work in a couple of hours from now.  So I am just going to end it here.  Funny thing is I used to have regrets about all of these missed opportunities but now I just don’t give a fuck.

Love,

5.9 Million 

[noncompliant-fuckery]

You wanna do those questions? :)

A billion years later.. 😜1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.Idk I have a lot of favorites. Debs is a favorite and I remember renting it from the movie store and watching it with my sister. Poor little me didn't realize I was gonna be like the main characters one day (aka gay af) 2: Talk about your first kiss.Well, first cheek kiss was in music class in middle school while watching pride and prejudice. It was fast and sudden cause I asked him earlier that day why we hadn't kissed yet and he stepped up and did it right there. Can't remember the first lip kiss but my first French kiss was unfortunately in front of his older brother cause we wanted tips on how to do it right and considering how shy I really was back then it was awkward ah lol3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.Well the first one was a few years back I was talking to this one girl on here from the UK. She was basically the first girl to say she liked me back. Became extremely whipped for a bit. Was working up the nerve to see if we could be more but I waited too long and she randomly stopped talking to me. She messaged me months later out the blue that she had a girlfriend now and had to be friends. Was pissed at her cause she didn't have to ditch me just cause she had a gf, she could have told me and I would have switched gears cause we generally just flirted a lot. Anyways, I drifted from her cause we stopped talking for too long and wasn't in it anymore. Honestly tho our conversations were always a bit shit but I was making it work all that time considering I liked her. Her relationship only lasted 3 months. And yes I kept tabs back then lol4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.Falling that hard for a girl I barely knew was a regret. I regret giving up gymnastics because it got hard too. I regret graduating high school early because I missed out on stuff that happened that last semester. I regret how I felt about myself years ago because I had no reason to. I regret being so shy and letting it hold me back from things I want. I've got a lot of regrets unfortunately and I know life is too short for that shit but I still feel that way. Life moves on tho. 5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.Last year my sister picked me up from college and took me to the mall and to Dave and busters and I played games and shit. That was fun and I want to do that same thing next year :) 6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.Usually on my birthday growing up my family tends to always be broke so I'd often not do anything for my actual birthday. I'd have to wait till my sister's the next month to really celebrate and by then it's not really my birthday anymore, it's hers. 7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.Rather not. It's lame. 8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.I'm quite proud of making the Dean's list last year. It's like making the honor roll but the college version. Goal is to make it again but we'll see :) 9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I've got moles everywhere but the ones on my face are my favorite cause it's a family trait on my dads side to have them there. I also like my collar bone and for some reason I like my forearms which is why I want tattoos there but can't :/10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.There was one with my sister years ago but I don't remember what it was about. Just know I was pissed and I stopped talking to her for a few days. 11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.You already know I dream a lot. I think I told you that I'm waiting for my death before I say which is my favorite dream but I guess a dream that's ONE of the best is one where I was just flying around. I've practically mastered that skill in dreaming so I'm always doing it and one dream there was no plot or anything so I just flew around this world I created just enjoying the freedom I had in my head it was awesome :) 12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.I keep having this recurring dream where I'm in a building and I'm hiding and trying to get out. I climb through vents and small places and the small places sometimes get smaller and harder to move through. I believe I'm being chased in it. Idk I hate that dream currently. 13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.I imagine it being awkward as hell.. Not sure what the hell to expect really. 14: Talk about a vacation.Last week I drove 20 hours to Florida with 10 ppl which includes 3 little boys that were 8,7 and 4 years old. They were bad ah and got whoopins like every day. First morning in the house I jumped awake to someone screaming “nooo!” thought someone died in their sleep cause the ride there was too much...it was only one of the boys about to get it by there parents. I learned that I'm not a fan of my mom's mom. She's annoying to watch movies with always narrating shit like we ain't watching the same thing! And she called herself trying to get to know me by coming to sit really close to me and grabbing my hand and holding it and rubbing it and asking me personal questions and then getting mad when I don't look her in the eyes. Like bitch first of all your too fucking close! And secondly I fucking hate eye contact especially if i do not know you like that. Let's not mention when we went to her house and out of all the pictures she had up of her grandkids and kids. Me and my sister and my mom were not among them despite my parents saying they gave her plenty school pictures -.- the ride home was bullshit too. Too much church talk. But I did get to swim in the pool and that was really fun. Had bought a new swimsuit and I got complimented on my figure by my aunt and older cousin(after that I was quite feeling myself) and I bonded with my oldest little cousin Joey(8yrs old) there. Was trying to teach him how not to get his ass beat by his father everyday if he just fucking listen when someone says stop. I also cracked my phone screen again while I was there 😶… 🏃🏃🏃🏃15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.I believe that was before I beat the other sperm to the egg.. I didn't know better…  But idk, I was content when I was in gymnastics even when I was just self teaching myself. That was fun. 16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.Is a concert a party cause that was the first time I let loose like that and that was awesome :) 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.I want to be friends with Gal Gadot cause I want her to do her touch thing with me so I can be a whipped as bitch for the rest of my sad fucking life… 18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.A girl named Patience (the bitch) cut one of my braids. This was 5th grade and I had weave in it so it wasn't my hair exactly that she cut but still, my parents paid money for that shit and that was fucked up. I went to the principal on her. Can't remember what happened next tho. 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I discovered I like girls one morning cause I found myself looking at a girls ass as I was walking up some stairs. I also had a lot of friend drama. 20: Talk about something that happened in high school.I emailed a teacher a month after I graduated high school to ask if I could put her down as a reference for work and I asked if she remembered me and she said she did and that I was her teacher's assistant. The truth is I wasn't her TA, my friend was and the teacher told me once that she didn't like her as her ta cause she never showed up. I didn't correct her about me being a ta cause I wanted to put that on my resume lol21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.Lol like ppl actually like me enough for me to get the chance to do that. 22: Talk about your worst fear.Fucking spiders. Fucking death, fucking losing ppl I love and care about. Fucking life. Also I think possibly heights. 23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.Its always so fun to be let down. But it's whatever and I move on. 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.My cousin told me to basically unhinged and get out there in the world. I'm working on it. 25: Talk about an ex-best friend.She was kind of a shit friend to me. Always getting annoyed with me and finding a reason to stop talking to me for months. Now on Facebook she said nigga a lot and she's not black. Thinking about unfriending her. Not like we talk anymore. 26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.I sleep if I can. I rub on shit tons of vics. I drink extra cough medicine. I complain a lot for sympathy 😊27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.Its weird but I like playing with ppls elbow skin. It's like silly putty, so loose, so wiggly 😁 lol Unfortunately no one likes when I play with theirs… 😔😒28: Talk about your fetishes.Don't want to claim a fetish until I have more experience. 29: Talk about what turns you on.Honesty it doesn't take much to turn me on. I crave far too much attention for something not to turn me on. But really, pet names are a thing for me but like not super cheesy ones. 30: Talk about what turns you off.When ppl are dicks and just unappealing to me. 31: Talk about what you think death is like.Very scary.. Maybe a little painful. I worry about what happens to my inner voice. Like….me. Sucks when you don't have a true belief in any religion so you don't have the comfort of their beliefs of the afterlife. At this point I pull from all religions and have a belief in reincarnation, a little bit in ghosts and a odd belief in continuing life in another world after this. Blame that one on syfy television. 32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.Across the street from my childhood home was a park and beyond that was a downward hill with a field and a pack of trees and beyond that was another downward hill with a patch of trees and a sewer and a maze we made from tall grass. I loved that spot. It was everything a child could ever want in a hide out. One time the older kids made a fire and we ate sausages down there. Good times. 33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Watch TV or vent to you. 34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.When I sprained my neck and back and my mom drove me to the hospital on the most jacked up roads ever. Every bump hurt like hell. Mom was way to drugged up on her meds that she tried to take me to a regular clinic that didn't have an x-ray machine until I called my dad to update him and he said to take me to the actual hospital.. That day kind of sucked and I couldn't do gymnastics for like a month :/35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.I wish I could stop giving up on everything. 36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.I love watching game walkthroughs and napping and let's face it, masterbation 👌37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.The UK chick was a dud, moving on. 38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.I'm sorry I'm just currently too lazy to figure that out lol39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.I wish I knew that I did not need to be that self conscious as a kid. I would have been happier. 40: Talk about the end of something in your life.Idk, when I graduated early from high school it was anticlimactic. I wasn't in the process of going to college yet so I had no forward movement. I was just done with high school and that was it. Had no job and basically no friends (was still getting to know you at the time tho) shit was lame.

[medullah-oblongata]

May 25, 2017 - 6:19 PM

- Last Tuesday (May 16) he came over for our last in-person meeting together - So he picked me up out front and we drove to LCBO because I had a gift card and I would never use it so I thought we could drink together - We ended up getting peach flavoured ciroc (the big bottle) after much debate and then went to wal-mart to pick up some cranberry-mango juice to mix it with - it was actually really good and he said that that will be “our” mix - and then we listened to jind mahi by kulbir jhinjer and zara  and there’s just something about driving with him that I loove. - Then we came home and it was sunny and nice out so he wanted to drink on the balcony and I was like alright even tho I was terrified of bees or other insects and them coming into my apartment - so we’re out there and we see this cracked egg and I was like should I kick it off? and he was like so concerned saying no and that one of the birds would see and come attack me - and then a bunch of pigeons are always flying from building to building and it was sooo fucking funny because he was terrified and then came running in when he thought a bird was coming for him - Then we came in and drank, I had like 3 glasses and was toally buzzed, like I could feel it in my face and I was getting so sleepy - so he came closer and we just started talking and then held hands and I told him how we were talking about lips and how our grandmas like thin lips and us girls were like why? and that I thought of him because I like his lips and then yeah we started kissing - I still had my light jacket on and things started getting heated so I had to take it off and then he came on top, and I took off his pants hehehe - and then he’s like lets get another drink, so we walked over to my computer desk where we had our supplies and I was stretching cuz I was tired and as he was walking to the fridge he like lightly touched my pussy and moved upward to my stomach and I still can’t get over how good that felt and just how sexy the overall movement was LOL - then he poured a drink and I gave him a blowjob while he sat in my computer chair and then he told me to take off my shirt and he played with my tits hehe - and then it got even more heated so he like came leaning off the chair and gently laid me on the floor and like sucked on my nipples and we made out and it was so fucking hot - then we stood up and he was talking to me about how beautiful I was and he grabbed my face and pulled me closer so we made out again and then he rubbed his dick on me and was like he was gonna fuck me so hard tonight and asked if we should take a break to talk or go to my room and we both agreed to talk - so then we ended up talking for soooo long but  it was sooo good, like I don’t think we have talked like that before and I just learned more about him, and also felt a greater connection - He was sitting up straight and I was leaning on him with my legs across his lap - so he was telling me about how all of his friends know about me now (cuz someone from his program msged and he said he was in st catharines and i guess they knew he was with me then) - then he told me how his friends talk about me sometimes and ask how things are and he just says its complicated and how his high school friends were talking about this one guy and how he’s with P’s ex but they were like saying how he has a better girl (me) than the other guy lol - and then i guess his friends knew how he was coming to see me but one of them had no clue (the one I prank called cuz apparently he’s clueless) so he asked who i was and for him to send a pic of me, but P just said to look me up on instagram and the guy sent a selfie of me in their group chat and P was like yeah that’s her lol - and then I was like do they say bad stuff? and he’s like there’s this one guy who’s always saying like oh you gonna fuck tonight or something but P just tells him to chill but the rest (I think gopes esp) are respectful, and he said I can even look at their convo to see what he says about me but I didn’t cuz I trusted him - but he did confront me about the comment I made a while ago of him sending my pic, and he’s like I didn’t take a pic of you in the theatre,and I was like I know but you sent one, and he’s like yes I did do that because they were asking who you were and I wanted to show them, and he said it very respectfully so i was glad that he owned up to that - And then he told me how his best friend respects me and I’m like probably not, because if I don’t find out about village thing or if i can’t do long distance and we end it, he’s probably going to think I’m a hoe - and then he explained that that’s not the case because he told his friend how I was a good girl and a virgin and I’m not like other girls. Because his friend just has a bad attitude towards girls and doesn’t trust them, and then I was like omg you told him we did it, and he said yes, but only because he was convincing his friend how different I was and that he wasn’t bragging at all. And then he gave me a deep history of his best friend’s life and what he went through with girls and his own family that made him like that,so yeah that was nice to hear and to have him open up to me like that - he also said I love you multiple times that night and I loved it but kept saying he didn’t - then he asked what I even liked about him because he was like I dont even know how I got you, like I consider myself very lucky - and I was like lol idk, I dont think I answered the question properly or I must have referred to the acrostic I made him lmao - and then I asked him what he liked about me and he said he loves my attitude (i was shocked cuz he always comments on how he hates it and that it’s annooying) and that loves when a girl tells him to fuck off lmao and how I do it all the time, and he said he likes how there’s always other guys wanting me which is why he loves hearing stories of when people check me out or reach out to me after a long time lol, and then how I’ve stuck by him all this time even through all of the uncertainty with us. And then he just like kissed my hair and hands - And then he wanted to know more about the guys i’ve liked and why it didn’t work so I told him everything and about how curious george will randomly snap me after months and that last time I did reply because P ended video call with me and I was bored - and he was like “ohhh so soon as I’m gone you hit up other guys eh” and i was like LOL no i just wanted to see if this guy would address why he snaps me after so long but he didnt and just asked when I was coming home - and then he did his cute voice which i dont think he notices he does but yeah he was just concerned about me seeing other guys and if i’m going to meet up with that guy and I was like probably not since I don’t like him anymore. And then he told me to at least tell him if and when i talk to another guy or like another guy - then I was on his lap and he had his dick out because it was hard and so I was just kind grinding on it while talking or like playing with it with my fingers and some pre cum came out and im like aww, so i was playing with it and he’s like would you put that in your mouth and im like hell yeah and how i’ve been wanting him to cum on me for so long so yack an eah I put it in my mouth then we made out and then he like grabbed my boob with his mouth and then like lifted me to take me to my room but i was like no, so he like put me down but like where my back was to him and then he rubbed his dick along the front of my pussy and then to the back and holy fuck it was so hot then he took it off and started rubbing more but then I was like yo i still wanted to talk about more deep stuff related to us and then he respectfully put it away and sat me in his lap facing him so we could talk - so then I was just like how I was concerned about it not working out and if it does, me not being happy or his family not liking me or something - and he was like he is in love with me now, i am his love and he wants to marry me and that if we can’t then he’s just going to get an arranged marriage - then he asked what happened over the weekend that triggered me asking him a bunch of questions (failed marriage of cousin lol) and I didn’t want to tell him all of my family details so I just said I didn’t want to end up like one of my cousin’s cuz he’s so unhappy and he asked me more so I was going to talk about it but I got emotional so I went and put my head in his neck cuz my voice got shaky and I had tears and he was like aww look here but i said no and he asked why i was crying and im like sorry man i just get emotional when i talk about people i care about and they’re not happy - and then he made me look up and i covered my face and he was just saying how beautiful and pretty i looked even when i cry, and then he made me uncover my face and just looked right into my eyes and said he loves me - and then he continued the convo about my concerns and he was like you’ll be happy, and that if i like him now that’s how it’ll always be because it’s who he is as a person and he’s been real with me - and then he was like about his family not liking me, i dont have to worry about that, as long as i respect them they’ll love me and his mom’s already happy we’re talking. And i was like yeah but you and i already fight lots so what if they always just take your side and don’t understand my side or u just make it seem like it’s my fault, and he’s like he wouldn’t do that, plus his mom and sister-in-law are on a team and don’t talk to his brother when he’s wrong, so whoever is right, that’s who’s side his parents will take lol - and then i was like what about me not knowing how to cook or do anything? and he’s like they dont care about that, the only thing they care about is respect and I said i could defs give it because i have always wanted a good relationship with my in-laws - then he asked if i wanted to really spend the rest of  my life with him, and i shrugged my shoulders,and if i wanted to have his kids and i shrugged my shoulders again and we laughed and he was like if we did they would be little soccer players, with good looks cuz they’ll have your looks hopefully, and I’m like we have to put them in bhangra too and he just gave me a look like uhh maybe lmao and we laughed again - And then he got all serious again and was like how he really does like me a lot and wants it to work, and how I’ve helped him a lot with stress relief this year and how he loved talking to me, and I said the same and how he actually helped with assignments and stuff - and then he was like will you ever forget me? and im like lol no because i had all my firsts with you, and he was like oh yeah no one forgets those - then he was like you remember our first kiss? and i was like lol yeah and he asked where it was and i pointed to the spot on the couch and he was like lol yeah and he reminded me how i was all “idk what to do” LOL - oh yeah and when i  gave him a bj on the computer chair i had major gag reflexes so i asked what would happen if i actually threw up on it and he was like its no big deal we could just clean it up and i was like damn - and then i wanted to make a snap video for his friend saying hi but he wouldnt let me, so we just took pics of us instead -  then we decided to go to bed and i was like i need to wash my face first and he asked if i had any snacks so i showed him, but when i came out of washroom he was already in bed, and im like yo arent u hungry and he kept saying its ok and im like no lets go see - so i made him get out of bed because he aint about to sleep hungry on my watch lol so we made him a veggie burger and he loved it - while it was cooking on stove, he started like hugging me and grabbing my ass and then people in the building in front of me were on their balcony and he’s like oh shit there’s people outside lmfao so he stopped and i was like u pussy cuz i loved that shit - but yeah then we went into bed, and i went pee first, and then i came to lie down and im like why u already sleeping? and then he pulled me closer and was like all i want to do is cuddle you for the last time! and im like lol, and then we kissed and im like “but i saw it on the night table, all ready” and hes like LOL and hes like so what? and im like lets do it! and hes like do what? so he made me say it and then he put it on and went to work. - and then after he was done we were lying on our backs and he started playing with my boobs again with his hands and hes like “i love these tits of yours” lmfao - and then i was still horny so i was like playing with myself while rubbing up against him, and he just slipped his hand down there too and was like “teach me” (i guess how to do it properly or to the point where i climax cuz only i know how) and then it was his hand under mine and we just rubbed it and kissed and it was amazing - then we fell asleep after a while, well he did but i cried on his chest and had to wipe them off and then i turned around because i couldnt stop thinking about how much i was going to miss him - idk if he noticed or not that i was crying, but when i moved he asked if i was ok and i just said yes very quickly - then eventually i fell asleep too, but i’d randomly wake up and then cuddle back up to him - in the morning i was sleeping facing the opposite direction to him, and then he woke up and turned his body and put his arm around me, so fucking cute - then i turned around and cuddled him and watched him sleep some more - then i told him to wake up and that it was a certain time but it actually wasnt because i wanted to just chill and talk before he had to leave - and then he showered and got ready, then i did and we made tea - and then we talked more about him finding out and he said he will - oh yeah, the night before he also showed me pics of his fam in india and they were so cute - then when it was time for him to leave, we did a long ass hug by the couch and made out - then when he had on all his gear i started making out with him again, and that one was amazing, like i wont forget it - i’d pull away to breathe and i’d just look at his lips and eyes and go in for more - also, i felt it get hard again so we did some grinding while making out and i grabbed it but obvs it was too late for another session lol - then he gave me the longest cutest forehead kiss and i fucking loved it, like i could have cried cuz i didn’t expect it to be that hard and long - and then i kissed him on the cheek really hard and he was like have a safe flight back and that i’ll have fun in vancouver and im like no man im gonna miss you, then we hugged one last time and he went :( - it’s been over a week now since this meeting and i cant stop replaying the events and him looking at me or saying this and hearing his voice - and i’ve been procrastinating writing this post because i feel like in a way, i didnt want to finalize this as the ending even tho it is. - i mean we may still talk, but idk when i’ll ever see him again - and we mentioned perhaps meeting in brampton this saturday if he was available and he did say no guarantees cuz hes busy with schol, will be returning late on friday from washington and that he has to pick up his fam from airport, but that we could try...but yeah i dont think its happening cuz i havent talked to him all week (except briefly on tuesday night after 2 days when he was telling me his presentation went really well and then he went to sleep and said we would talk the next day but he never did message and neither did I). - so yeah, its thursday evening, hes gonna be driving back all day tomorrow cuz it took him 12 hours to get there so i dont even wanna mention meeting up cuz i just know its gonna be a no, which means i am most likely not going to brampton cuz cousins dont have anything fun planned either and last weekend i was just very emotional there but couldnt express it - but it would suck if i didnt end up going and he msgs saturday about hanging out (probs not but still lol) and even if i was there i wouldnt have an excuse last minute, whereas if we planned it out then i could have just said i have a birthday dinner to go to - i miss him sooo much though ughhhh - also last week my mom suggested that her and his mom can talk on the phone and she can explain that we just want to know if it would be acceptable but that us kids arent ready to get married right away and that if his mom already knows theres no harm in them talking and that they can see how to find out (like if his mom should ask his dad or if she wants my mom to ask), but then he said his mom is ok with it and that there is no point in them talking...and that he would just ask his mom to ask his dad...and im like u better man but i feel like you wont, and he said he would and that he was just stressed that day cuz he was supposed to wake up at 3 to drive to the sates, so then he thanked me for understanding even tho i just said ok but really did want my mom and his mom to talk lol - then my mom and i talked again yd and shes like what did he say? and im like he doesnt  see the point in you talking to his mom and said he’ll just ask himself, but i told her how idk if he will. and then shes like lol just tell him to ask or else she will - so i still have to mention that to him, but idk how to bring it up, but i hope he does ask his mom right away, and my mom said she still wants to talk to his mom, so idk how thats gonna turn out, but i wish he was more open to that - ughh hopefully it all works out and im not broken in the end.

[kenyonexeter-blog]

These are not all true. Some things I remember that did not happen. Some things happened that I do not remember. Some things I intentionally left out. Some things I simply made up because they tell a better story.

April 1. The day after classes end. I am tired. I know I should get some progress done on my essays before my mom arrives, but I’m worn out by two books a week, by Saturday daytrips, by the whole thing. I lie on my bed and play Solitaire on my phone. Thankfully, I encounter zero April Fool’s jokes.

April 2. I hope my mom has gotten on a train. The texts are brief and inconsistent. I do laundry. The sun is low in the sky when she arrives. She has forgotten her ticket and makes faces of embarrassment through the gate. An attendant must let her through.

I ask if she wants to eat out with my friends and am surprised when she says yes. Emma and Rebecca she’s met before. Zack she has not. We have dinner at Tyepyedong and drink beer.

“That Zack,” she tells me as we leave. “He’s a character.”

“He sure is.”

April 3. My mom says, “All I wanted was to see your face, so I’m satisfied now; I could go home.”

She says, “I just want to do one fun thing per day.”

We don’t do one fun thing per day. I write my essay and I pack. She goes for a walk.

April 4. I continue to write my essay. I continue to pack. She goes on more walks.

April 5. I finish my essay and we take a train to Bath in the afternoon. We haul our suitcases up to the Circus. Everything is gorgeous beige stone and columns. Three huge trees shade a grassy circle and cars drive in arcs and we pull our suitcases in arcs.

We walk along the Royal Crescent. Later, we watch an adaptation of Persuasion and Anne walks along the Royal Crescent.

April 6. We visit the Roman Baths. I wasn’t that excited going in. The Romans were too good to be interesting, too good at building and fighting and civilization in general. I’ve always cared more about the Scythians and the Carthaginians and the Apachi, who get less credit—but credit where credit is due, the baths were amazing. Ceaselessly, the water pours into the pool and steam hovers just an inch off the surface. Off the central pool are smaller chambers—tepidarium, caldarium. The bricks are still there that held up the floor. The engineering makes sense. I wonder if I could have dreamt it up two thousand years ago without my generational knowledge.

I register for classes in a cafe down the block from the hotel. I get everything I wanted. I change my

mind about what I want and sign up for a programming class. It will be good for me.

We’re three for three with sunny days and everyone sits outside besides one young woman and myself. I order a second coffee from the barista who has a blonde ponytail and seems to genuinely enjoy her work. A middle aged woman enters the cafe.

“I would like a tub of coleslaw,” the woman says.

“Um,” the barista says. “What was that?”

“A tub of coleslaw.”

The barista looks around her, as if double checking for tubs of coleslaw previously unnoticed. “I don’t think we serve coleslaw here. I’m sorry.”

The woman leaves. The barista, the other customer, and I look at each other. We crack up.

April 7. My mom and I decide to visit Prior Park before we head to London. We spend twenty minutes trying to figure out the logistics of getting to the park and what do with the luggage, should we leave it? Should we bring it? Should we store it at the train station? I’m frustrated, and I just want to go.

“It’s only forty minutes. We can walk.” So we do.

It’s a long walk, uphill along a highway. I start to think I’ve made a mistake, but I’m determined to enjoy myself, so I comment on the beauty of the trees, of the walls, of the buildings, and the more I point them out the more I notice them. I’m winded when we get there, and we discover that the route through the park is all downhill, and there’s an exit at the bottom. I have the distinct feeling of having averted disaster.

It’s beautiful. Neoclassical architecture casts its shadow down a sloping grassy hill. Unmanicured trees and bushes tumble in at the sides and a bridge at the bottom arcs over a pond with no more purpose than ornamentation. I’m reminded distinctly of Schönbrunn in Vienna, but here, the main building is at the top and the whole thing has more of a casual air, like this gorgeous stretch of land was always here, just like this.

We find a swing. I sit and my mom pushes me. My legs are too long and my feet make ruts in the earth.  

There’s a teahouse at the bottom of the hill. We order a tea and sit in the shade. We watch a duck swim past in the pond carrying a stick twice as long as its body.

We take a taxi to the hotel, a taxi to the train station, a train to London, and the underground to our next hotel. We see Les Miserables at the Queens Theatre. I cry.

April 8. My mom leaves for Heathrow. I work on my second essay.

April 9. I work on my essay.

April 10. I work on my essay.

April 11. I wake up at 4:15, gather my stuff, and walk to Russell Square Station. The entrance is barred off accept for a narrow opening at the side. I squeeze in and ask the attendant if the station is closed.

He says, “You can’t be in here.”

I says, “I checked online. I thought Piccadilly ran at night.”

He says, “You have to leave.”

I say, “Is the whole Piccadilly line closed, or just this station?”

He says, “It’s closed. I have to lock this place up.”

I say, “Excuse me. Is the whole Piccadilly line closed, or just this station?”

He says, “The line doesn’t run until 5:30.”

I say, “I have to get to the airport.”

He says, “It doesn’t run until 5:30.”

I say, “I can’t wait that long. How do I get to Heathrow?”

He says, “I don’t know. Take a cab?”

By some miracle, I make it to my plane to Pisa, and from Pisa to Florence. A family—not my own, but the next best thing—is waiting for me: my best friend since birth, her brother, her sister-in-law; and her parents. We eat pasta.

April 12. Florence has turned sour in my memory. I’d been in December and in the months following the city became two things: stone and fear. The city is still the same stone maze I remembered, beige and endless without a single plant to be seen, but I forgot the beauty of the Duomo, the texture of the streets, and the lovely surprise of an architectural marvel behind every corner.

My trip to Italy was my first visit to a country where I didn’t speak the language since my Mexico visit when I was eight, and as we—Rebecca, Melissa, and I—walked through the leather market and the vendors shouted at us, I was scared. Scared of the alienness of the culture I’d found myself submerged in. I’m used to the quiet. I’m used to strangers keeping to themselves.

On this visit, I expect the culture shock and I roll with it. The experience is much more enjoyable.

April 13. Cinque Terre. The towns are nestled into the folds between hills before they plunge into the sea, buildings stacked on top of each other, cliffs ribbed with terraces for growing grapes. The sea plunges against the rock and we move from town to town, sometimes by train, sometimes by boat, and once, we hike. It’s a long hike, stairs straight up the mountain and stairs straight down. I need to remind myself to stop, to look at the sea.

I feel exuberant. The sun is out and the wind is blowing. My legs are aching, but they haven’t failed me yet. I remember that I am young, I am strong, and the world is beautiful.

We drink wine. We buy a paper cone stuffed with fried anchovies, squid, white fish, and shrimp and we pass it between us. When we return to our AirBnB in Florence, I go straight to bed and I fall asleep immediately.

April 14. My friend’s parent’s leave for the States. She, her brother, her sister-in-law, and I take a train to Venice.

Water. I never truly conceptualized Venice before. I imagined it as a city with water, but what it truly is, is water with a city.

April 15. Multi-color buildings rise straight from the water. Narrow alleys open up onto packed streets or dead-end into canals. I love the bridges that are only a matter of course and the courtyards tucked away where you will find them once and never again. I love the porches that open up onto water where anyone with a boat may pull up to the steps, and I love the bridges that arch straight into front doors.

I buy cheap wine with my friend and we wander the city after dark, quiet and empty when the sun goes down.

April 16. Easter. I eat chocolate eggs that don’t quite make up for the fact that I’m far away from home. Easter is a big thing in my family. We all get together in Berkeley, eat quiche and chocolate, and celebrate. I haven’t made it back for four years, because Ohio’s too far away and Europe is even farther.

We go to Murano, the glass-blowing island. I break a glass cross in a shop and can’t shake the feeling that it’s a bad omen.

April 17. The four of us go to Rome. I get some work done on my essay on the train. I do a job interview and it goes very well. I do not get the job.

My friend and I go out to dinner with a friend of my friend and with that friend’s friends. All of them go to Smith College together and I keep up with the conversation a good seventy percent of the time, which I’ll count as a victory.

April 18. We take a tour of the Colosseum and the Roman Forum. I see the three columns that once were the Temple of Castor and Pollux, which I did a project on in Latin II. I take a photo, and my photo is like every photo of the columns one can find on Google. There’s only so many ways to

photograph three columns in a row.

I do a second job interview. It goes very badly. She says, she’s pretty sure they’re not going to hire people who can’t commit to the end of August; she knows I can’t. I wonder why she’s interviewing me then. My afternoon in Rome is lost. I do not get the job.

April 19. We tour the Vatican. Our tour guide tells us, if you spent sixty seconds looking at each piece of art in the museum, it would take you sixty years. The walls are lined with marble busts of dead men and dead women. The ceilings tell bible scenes. The floors follow geometric patterns in marble and occasionally boast papal crests. The artwork changes as we go: ancient, medieval, renaissance, Italian, Spanish, Dutch, tapestries, sculptures, paintings, Hercules of the Forum Boarium, the Laocoön, the School of Athens.

This is what I want to do, my friend tells me. Study something seemingly useless like Papal History and then take people on tours of the Vatican the rest of my life. If only I could do that and not live in Rome.

In a courtyard is a sculpture, bronze, huge, spherical, shattered at the side to reveal a smaller sphere inside. It’s called Sphere Within Sphere, our tour guide tells us and she points at the top of St. Peter’s Basilica. The diameter of the sphere is the same diameter of the sphere at the top of the dome. Gives you a sense of perspective. She climbs over the rope and places a hand on the sculpture. I’m not technically allowed to do this, she says. Sometimes the guards care, sometimes they don’t. She pushes on a cracked edge and walks, and as she walks the sphere begins to turn. She lets go and it rotates lazily around and around. Pretty cool, huh? she asks us.

My friend and I almost miss our train to Pisa. We have no change on us and the metro ticket machines don’t take bills. Or they won’t take our bills at least. But we do make it, after asking several people if they have change for a fiver and after I sprint out of the station, across the square, across the street, into a corner store, where I buy a bottle of water and I sprint back down. We make it to the train, and we make it to Pisa.

We’re right next to the train station and right next to the airport, which means we’re very far from town. We decide a taxi is worth it and spend the evening looking up at the Leaning Tower of Pisa in mild bemusement. It just looks so wrong, my friend says. I pictured it shorter, I say, or maybe fatter, yeah, I thought it was fatter.

April 20. My friend takes a train to Milan. I take a plane to England.

April 21. I unpack. I do laundry. I repack. I sleep.

April 22. All of the Kenyon crew (minus Fletcher, Isaiah, and of course Wendy) get on a plane to Dublin (and find Fletcher and Isaiah there). The city is a city like other cities. Cars. Buildings. Stoplights. Trash in the gutters. Men standing outside buildings with cigarettes hanging from slightly open lips.

“What do you think the Spirit of Dublin is?” I ask Zack.

He asks me to clarify.

“When you walk into New York, you’re in New York. Everything around you is New York. There’s no other place you could be. London has that too, I think. London is a city that knows what it is. And New Orleans, too. And Vienna. Not so much Rome, but without a doubt Florence and Venice have it. I’m not so sure about Los Angeles. I’m wondering, does Dublin have it? And if it does, what is it, the Spirit of Dublin?”

That night, we see Private Lives at the Gate Theatre. All of the comedy lands, and I enjoy myself quite a bit.

April 23. We visit Kilmainham Gaol, and I discover that “goal” is pronounced “jail.” I wonder how many times I’ve embarrassed myself with that one. The Goal is a building full up with other people’s emotions. I feel strange, a voyeur to the Irish struggle, and yet I cannot help but be moved. I read an eighteen year old’s last letter to his mother before his execution. “I’m dying a good Catholic,” he tells her. “I’m dying for my country.”

We see a one-man show called “Strolling with Ulysses” in which he recounts Joyce’s famous work. I can’t tell whether or not I hate the text or I hate the show. Maybe a little bit of both.

We all gather in my sitting room for the night, and each gathering feels like the One Last Gathering.

April 24. We go to Trinity College to see the Book of Kells. In a pavilion I see a familiar sculpture.

“This is Sphere Within Sphere,” our tour guide tells us. “There are fourteen across the world, including in Berkeley, California, in Des Moines, Iowa, in Tehran, New York, and the Vatican.”

I wondered if this one spun too.

We took a tour of the Guinness Warehouse, and we saw Waiting for Godot, which for years had been my go-to joke for pretentious theater, storytelling with no point, because as we all know, Godot never shows up. I didn’t expect to like it. I liked it a whole lot.

April 25. We take a ferry to the Aran Islands, to Inis Mor.

April 26. The bus driver stops to say hello with the people he sees on the road or by their doors. One local woman stops him (and by consequence us) to tell him it’s Curly Sue’s birthday. Today, she’s three.

He tells us about the island. Circular forts, two thousand years old. Escaped donkeys (“Looks like Charlie’s out!”). A trough with a curved angled stone that pours rainwater into a basin for the animals. The walls, dry stone, no mortar; the fields are thick with stones (limestone) and the have to go somewhere, so the whole island is crisscrossed with walls, and the height, the driver tells us, depends on the size of the field and the number of stones; the soil is only a few inches deep above the bedrock; some of the walls are built “like lace” (that’s how he says it, “like lace”) so that the wind blows right through and the blinding white clouds pour light through large gaps between ill-fit stones; some walls are  

built two-deep, except for a few feet across where they let the animals through (“You won’t see many fates on this island,” he tells us. “They just knock it down and build it back up again.”). The wind is fierce here, and there aren’t many trees, just thick grass and hundreds of white and pink flowers, small as a penny, spilling color along the rocks. Church upon church with four walls, two peaking into steep triangles and open sky where the thatched roof used to be, (“Lasts about five years, the thatch. On the mainland, they use reed. Lasts twenty-five.”) and graveyards too, three of them, one with ancient Romans. Cows, horses, sheep, donkeys, swans, seals, but no puffins anymore.

April 27. Ferry to Galway, my new favorite city. We sit at a bar and sing “Wonderwall” at the top of our lungs. Eric removes himself for the course of the song in embarrassment.

“Sometimes you have to be aggressively American,” I tell him.

A woman dances to the music. She’s about sixty, alone, and enjoying herself immensely. She’s an inspiration.

April 28. We take a free walking tour of the city, and our tour guide was raised in New York by Irish immigrant parents. They moved back to Ireland when she was twelve. She speaks with Irish pronunciations and American inflections. She’s very enthusiastic.

The city is colorful and jovial, and street musicians perform so close together that you’re rarely listening to just one song at a time. One performer wears a long coat and brandishes his hand in the air while he sings into his microphone. He makes eye contact with each pedestrian as they walk by. We see him several times. On the last occasion, a son has wheeled his elderly mother straight up to him. He sings directly to her.

“I’m in love with that man,” I tell my friends.

April 29. We fly to Bristol and see Tartuffe in the evening. I can’t deal with the blatant awfulness of the whole thing. I watch the performance through the holes in my sweater.

April 30. Home. I expect to feel tired, but instead I’m brimming with energy. I remember that doing things is good for me, leaving my room, talking to people, interacting with the world. I am young, I am strong, and the world is beautiful.