#i thought i made myself clear
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i really need people to stop asking me when i'm gonna start dating again
#my friend suggested creating a dating profile a few days ago#& she literally just asked me if i did it#like girl#i thought i made myself clear#i'm not going to do that#i literally tell everyone that i still have trauma after my last relationship#i have trust issues & i am not ready to date anyone#i don't need a guy i need a job & a therapist#why they don't get it#jesus i'm tired of trying to explain it to literally everyone around#i want to die rn#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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it's time to go, my love (ID in alt)
#vashwood#trigun maximum spoilers#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#ruporas art#been in a very bad Art rut lately... the fatigue is finally catching up so i turned to my very trusty muses#to bring me somewhere. somehow its vol 10 i always return to. though i thnk this is the first time im posting v10 art#i have so many in my drafts but this vol always made me emotional. It's been a year now so my emotions#They've cleared up. Somewhat.#i think i just delusioned myself into a place where ww is always alive bc i draw him well and healthy all the time. his death is such an#essential part to the narrative though... i'll never be able to run from it completely :']. anyway. im not too sure how to elaborate my#Thoughts on this one but i am quite Happy with the blueness of it all.
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they want to talk about mental illness and acceptance and how everyone is a little ocd it's cute and quirky and their "intrusive thoughts" are about cutting their hair off and you say yours are about taking a razorblade to your eye and they say ew can you not and everyone is a little adhd sometimes! except if you're late it's a personality flaw and it's because you are careless and cruel (and someone else with adhd mentions they can be on time, so why can't you?) and it's not an eating disorder if it's girl dinner! it's not mania if it's girl math! what do you mean you blew all of your savings on nonrefundable plane tickets for a plane you didn't even end up taking. what do you mean that you are afraid of eating. get over it. they roll their little lips up into a sneer. can you not, like, trauma dump?
they love it on them they like to wear pieces of your suffering like jewels so that it hangs off their tongue in rapiers. they are allowed to arm-chair diagnose and cherrypick their poisons but you can't ever miss too many showers because that's, like, "fuckken gross?" so anyone mean is a narcissist. so anyone with visual tics is clearly faking it and is so cringe. but they get to scream and hit customer service employees because well, i got overwhelmed.
you keep seeing these posts about how people pleasers are "inherently manipulative" and how it's totally unfair behavior. but you are a people pleaser, you have an ingrained fawn response. in the comments, you have typed and deleted the words just because it is technically true does not make it an empathetic or kind reading of the reaction about one million times. it is technically accurate, after all. you think of catholic guilt, how sometimes you feel bad when doing a good deed because the sense of pride you get from acting kind - that pride is a sin. the word "manipulation" is not without bias or stigma attached to it. many people with the fawn response are direct victims of someone who was malignantly manipulative. calling the victims manipulative too is an unfair and unkind reading of the situation. it would be better and more empathetic to say it is safety-seeking or connection-seeking behavior. yes, it can be toxic. no, in general it is not intended to be toxic. there is no reason to make mentally ill people feel worse for what we undergo.
you type why is everyone so quick to turn on someone showing clear signs of trauma but you already know the fucking answer, so what's the point of bothering. you kind of hate those this is what anxiety looks like! infographics because at this point you're so good at white-knuckling through a severe panic attack that people just think you're stoic. even people who know the situation sometimes comment you just don't seem depressed. and you're not a 9 year old white kid so there's no way you're on the spectrum, you're not obsessed with trains and you were never a good mathematician. okay then.
mental illness is trending. in 2012 tumblr said don't romanticize our symptoms but to be fair tiktok didn't exist yet. there's these series of videos where someone pretends to be "the most boring person on earth" and is just being a normal fucking person, which makes your skin crawl, because that probably means you are boring. your friend reads aloud a profile from tinder - no depressed bitches i fucking hate that mental illness crap. your father says that medication never actually works.
you still haven't told your grandmother that you're in therapy. despite everything (and the fact it's helping): you just don't want her to see you differently.
#writeblr#warm up#to be clear let me state again: i think you should id however you fucking want if it helps you seek peace#but there is a HUGE difference between being like '.... im undiagnosed but i think i might be X'#and a person who is like ''omg my intrusive thoughts made me buy a birkin!!!''#babe mine made me throw up bc they disgusted me so much <3#mine made me hurt myself evenly. even when i wanted to stop. i have had to put my hand on the stove MULTIPLE TIMES#and again i'd rather have 10000 people get help for something they don't need help for#than have 1 kid NOT get help#but there has GOTTTTT to be a middle ground here#bc at this point it isn't ''raising awareness''#it's . fucking misinformation. and ''what this picture says about you!!!!!''#& yes! im mostly talkin about ppl who are actually disgusted and offended by signs of mental illness#but use it to defend THEIR actions#like babe you hate when kids start yelling in the walmart? but you YOuRSELF can yell?#you are depressed so it's fine you were cruel to your spouse?#but if your spouse spends too much time in bed she's a lazy fuck?#your partner needs to do everything for you bc of your history in trauma? but when SHE has needs she's being clingy and gross?#HUGE difference here between whom i think most of my followers are btw. like#all it takes is fucking anyyyy empathy or kindness . like.#anyway it's hard to explain im hoping we all know the person im talking about lol
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Danse Macabre
[Commission]
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#marcille donato#winged lion#better drawn mdzs#<- art tag I really need to change.#Turns out the secret to drawing better was having someone offer you money to draw.#I jest. I just had a blast with this prompt and I seriously appreciate the commissioner for letting me have the chance to push myself.#And for giving me permission to post! Hi! If you're seeing this: thank you again!#Let me be clear: no I don't quite know where this came from. It just happened. My chakras unblocked for a few hours.#You too can unblock my chakras with money and commission me to draw cool art B*)#We are so far off from when this is relevant so this one is really just for the manga readers. *****Spoiler notes ahead:#So...As someone who read dungeon meshi monthly for many years....I admit to not seeing Marcille becoming the dungeon lord coming#Hilarious too; re-reading and watching the show made me realize that this outcome is pretty strongly foreshadowed.#Ryoko Kui distracts you by putting the focus on Laios being the 'one to break the curse' but nope!#This was the culmination of her goals and desires.#And - for those who did not have to suffer as us monthly readers did:#YES. WE NEARLY ALL THOUGHT THAT MARCILLE HAD TO DIE.#The last 20 or so chapters were a constant spiral of: 'Oh this story isn't going to have a happy ending is it?'#She just keeps losing herself! The winged lion plays her like a puppet and she is his perfect doll! So full of conviction!
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what kind of frivolity would you engage in, mecha?
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#mecha sonic#scrapnik mecha sonic#scrapnik island#sonic fanart#sonic fandom#arting#msab#good MORNING. i have given myself many emotions about mecha's big stupid cape. like a fool. such is the way i suppose#god ive been dying to get to this one. do you get it. do you understand#victories; if not on your own terms. achievements; if not the ones you thought you wanted. childhood dreams that never die.#which on that note yeah this is also my favorite one for showing eggman-era mecha as like#''yeah hes hes the most arrogant and murderous jackass on the planet but hes also like 17.''#& therefore kind of a lame little nerd by default. he thinks capes are sooooooo coool#we were all stupid kids once but sometimes u get older and u still wanna paint your house purple. and sometimes u still want a cool cape#it occurs to me that actual 17-year-olds may see this and to that i say: sorry. you guys are fine do ya thang.#its just that im 29 and have grey hair and shit so i have a certain Perspective on being 17 is all. & scrapnik mecha is like mid-30's to me#i knoooowwww he loves his big stupid cape so much. look at the refsheets with his dumbass spines poking holes through the the hood#tell me he has not made a COMMITMENT to wearing that hood despite being built in a way that makes that incredibly inconvenient#u look at nathalie fourdraine's christmas scrapniks post and tell me he isnt having so much fun#being all decorated and swishing around in that Even Bigger And Stupider Cape & shawl w/ his friends#hes so funny for that he's generally such a serious kinda character but on god he does also love some showmanship and flashiness.#i want to make it clear btw i also think capes are awesome i literally cosplay a guy with Two [2] capes.#& mecha is basically the coolest ever. but also hes still funny for that
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sorry for doing this again but how are ppl seriously claiming that rin and haru werent written with the subtext of having any romantic tension……… what the fuck do you think the association with sakura trees means in japan???? the power of friendship??? commodore between men?? it means gay sex fall in love. like come the fuck on
#read my ship discourse below boy#mh fans do this the most and its so unfair bc they are so stubborn abt meeting halfway#like i 100% believe makoto is in love with haru. like intentionally written to be in love with haru full stop#trouble is he does not reciprocate and this is made very clear by. everything he thinks in relation to makoto vs rin#and like obv we’re never going to agree on this but at least i can agree on SOMETHING#but so many mh fans it feels like are so dead set on the belief that haru has never thought of rin a day in his life#and rin fucking hates haru actually and only likes him for his swimming and forgets he exists when hes not swimming#like i dont expect fujoshis in a ship war to exhibit an honor code myself included but cmon that kind of bad faith reading just isnt fair#rinharu#rin matsuoka
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What led you to decide conversion to Judaism was "for you"?
I'll preface this post by saying that you are, essentially, asking to open a Pandora's box - this is an inherently huge question to ask, and I only request that you keep this in mind when I talk about this. I'm completely open to this discussion, though! I am absolutely happy to talk about my journey because it is so deeply personal and fulfilling,
I was raised in a Lutheran family - I was baptized, but I was never really... required to go to church. We'd gone before, my dad and I, but I don't remember this because I was young. However, what I do remember is just not believing in any of it. I never truly believed in Jesus, I'd only said I did. Despite having little pressure put on me in a religious aspect, I'd always just assumed that I should please my family. I went to Jesus camp (a moniker for the religious camp I'd gone to a few times), and I went to a handful of confirmation classes. As I understand it, Lutherans practice confirmation in order to educate young adults about the religion, and by the end, the person decides if this is right for them. I dropped out completely, and honestly, it was simply due to "I believe none of this besides g-d."
Once I had consciously admitted to myself that I really could not reconcile my disbelief, I decided to disconnect completely from all forms of xtianity. I mostly kept to myself and didn't even interrogate my feelings about g-d or religion at all.
After a while, I realized that I truly knew nothing else besides xtianity. I always thought it was my duty as a person to learn about others to accept them. I started throwing myself into education about other religions. Now that I think about it, I think part of myself really did want to connect with something that felt right in my soul. For a while, I didn't find that. Once I started learning about what were the true basics of Judaism, I felt a strange and indescribable feeling, really for the first time ever.
My journey into Judaism really began on an intellectual level. I truly jived with what I was learning - I remember one of my big issues with xtianity was the idea of "spreading the Good News," or proselytizing. I think learning that about judaism was what made me realize that there was something out there that I could logically understand. I loved the cultural understanding of disagreement - that you can even disagree with g-d and not be sent to Hell For All Eternity. I loved that observing mitzvot wasn't really a strict dogma. It was a process we all undertake on some level. I'd say that the common attitude held in the xtain spaces I was exposed to all my life (that is - "all of this is strict dogma, and no questions are deemed acceptable.") really made me appreciate the intellectualism that judaism often fulfills. By nature, I want to disagree with others, explain, agree, and ultimately learn, and I loved the culture of education.
I'd say much of the emotional attachment I now have to judaism came later. There is only so much you can appreciate about judaism from the sidelines, and once I got involved in my community, I truly learned this. Much of my love for judaism is simple - it's everyday life, really.
I think what made me decide so soon that judaism was right is because I am trans. I am no stranger to this feeling, I just had never felt it about religion. It's a deep, soul-level understanding of belonging. It's a feeling you can never do justice to through word alone. I've felt this before, and I know this is a feeling that I cannot simply ignore. It's something you can only grab hold of and never let go. It is a primal understanding within your entire being - at least it is for me.
Because of this, there is so much that I have not touched upon here, but I think I've been rambling for long enough. Again, I welcome any and (almost) all questions that may be remaining. So much of my decision about judaism came down to exposing myself to conversion stories and thoughts about judaism from jews, and if there is a chance I might be even a little like that, I will always welcome it!
#ask#jumblr#jew by choice#jewish conversion#personal thoughts tag#convert FAQs#long post#it's to the point where i don't know if i would have come to this conclusion if i were not trans#because being trans made me realize what it felt like to *belong* in something as fundamental as who you are#as much as i have hated being trans in the past i can't help but realize how fundamental it has been for shaping myself for the better#i suspect i would still feel lost and unsure had i not had to confront these feelings head-on in a primal way before#i talk a lot about religion in this ask but to be perfectly clear it was just as much cultural for me#i am not just joining a religion i am joining a people and i *love* the people#they are my people. they are my community#and to say that my desire for judaism is only religious in nature is to oversimplify all of my motivations honestly#i should have made that a disclaimer but i assume most of this was about the religion itself because it's so different
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bozo dubbed over dubbed over
#video#elevenlabs#i've been fucking obsessed with these stupid fucking elevenlabs dubbed videos#specifically a friend sent me a ytp sexer dub and i absolutely lost it (laughing)#so i wanted to try a few videos out myself to see what the site would do with them#for some reason my first thought was to use bozo dubbed over#''i... i...... i.... ah..... i hope nobody leaves'' fucking killed me#i only did like 5 videos to see what it'd end up generating but usually if the audios too clear it'll just repeat what was said#except in the ai voices that it uses#the second video i did was just bozo dubbed over again. but that version is like really evil for no reason#third video was hotel mario high quality. and it basically says what they already say but with weird annunciations and the likes#fourth video being meet the sniper. it wasnt exactly what i wanted but it did alter a few lines#the final one just being hotel mario again but lower quality. which did result in me laughing really hard#granted. all of them made me laugh really hard to some extent#for the record. i didnt do any alterations except just make it dub from english to english#i don't know if there's more you can do with it. i don't think i can make any more without making a new account#unless the limit resets every week or so
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i know we joke about mirabelle being the beloved token cis because of her quest, but tbh there’s something there maybe about a trans person who doesnt wish to get surgery and feels like they have to to be taken seriously as a trans person…. idk is this anything
#tangentially related but eve’s posts about potential intersexism in vaugarde have me liking intersex mira….#im not trying to distract from the aroace focus of her storyline btw#like thats still the main takeaway altogether#but idk… something to be said about the pressure a trans person feels to ‘’validate’’ their identity in the eyes of other people#maybe a bit tmi but i see a bit of myself in that bc i felt like i had to want top surgery to be a good nonbinary person#(even tho i didnt hold other people to that standard at all (hey mira also does that lol)#but it was something i always felt anxious about and didnt really want to do. and i stressed bc i thought it made me a fake trans person#because if i dont want the surgery then am i even valid in my identity?#to be clear: thats not an issue for me anymore ive moved past it#nor do i think its like. a trans issue to ‘’pressure’’ people into getting surgery bc thats dumb#i feel like that pressure comes more from cis people who dont consider you ‘’really trans’’ til you have surgery#except theyll also get pissed if you have surgery bc trans people cant win with these idiots#its not a 1:1 allegory or anything and i dont think it was intended or anything the same way the aroace stuff is#but idk. theres something there i think#echoed voice#isat spoilers
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hey so im not white
#spacie spoinks#lol#uhhh#thought i should clear the air about that#my family is from africa!! i have posted about it many times#although ppl who are new 2 my blog prolly dont know that cuz i dont advertise it#im also lightskin and draw myself like that so i get the confusion...but like. still#think about that before you send me hate mail i guess? idk#my wording on the post was based on me assuming a difference in discrimination between poc who are darker skinned#and poc like me who are lighter skinned who may not face the same things#b/c there is a big difference and it felt wrong to group myself with poc who will be suffering the most b/c of their darker skin color#yk?#anyway#instead of sending hate mail go drink some water and realize that we are on the same side here!!#i was also under severe distress when i made that post so like. of course its not gonna be 100% grammatically correct oml#some of you are....more upset about a typo than you should be#chat remind me 2 not make posts about political stuff theres racists in my notes again#always happens. jesus.#last post im gonna make about this!!!#have a good day!!#dont infight with each other#lift each other up an allat
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anyone ever think about how kit is literally ty's best friend? like kit was the only one who ever showed that he truly cared about ty as a friend, that he accepted him exactly as he is. he's the only one who laughed with him, not at him and the one who understood that ty works differently than others and didn't view him as weird or strange because of it, but rather loved him for all of those things?
nope? just me? okay then
#and ty never thought that kit would leave bc their friendship just felt so different from all the others#like i bet when kit leaves ty remembers all the times people who claimed to be his friends turned away from him#and i know that kit leaving hit so much harder bc of it#like it actually broke ty in a completely different way#bc he was convinced that this time it was different and so special and-#oh no im making myself cry goodbye#side note: ofc ik livvy is ty's best friend <3 but she is also his sister so it's different from other friendships#i hope i made this clear! like ofc SHE gets ty in a completely different emotional way (they make me so freaking sad </3)#but others who have claimed to be his friends have hurt him so badly until ✨kit✨ came along :(#thats what i call friends-to-lovers <3#god pls dont let them be parted for much longer#i am going insane#kit herondale#ty blackthorn#kit x ty#kitty#the dark artifices#the wicked powers#tda#twp#tsc
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Update: next week I’m planned for about 20 hours and I’m currently debating whether the tone of the email I’m sending is not too bitchy but also definitely not too nice
Just learned I have to work 13 hours next week while I have a 5 hour contract and they don’t know how thin the ice is they’re on
#I FUCKING TALKED ABOUT THIS#I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF CLEAR#also I’m too fucking tired I’ve been crying about this already#I added to a post#my own
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Hey! I just wanna say that I dont mind anyone wanting to draw/write/plot out with my characters, as long as I am asked first. And get follow up questions for things more interactive or in depth. Not only are my characters personal to me, but some of them are quite particular in certain ways that I feel is important to portray correctly! For example, quite a few of my characters are partial mutes, because I am as well! So thats important to me to portray properly. And I understand this and certain other traits my characters might have may not be entirely understood, which is why I would like to be part of that process! I am always grateful to all who ask questions and permission :>
#i kinda felt the urge to state this#because while i super appreciate and love art and gifts with my characters involved#there has been quite a few instances where they were not portrayed correctly#such as my partial mute characters being overly talkative#or my trans and/or nonbinary characters being misgendered as a joke or intentional confusion#of course there is a gray area for everything#but i always find myself not wanting to say anything because i couldnt stand the thought of making such kind people feel bad#but I cant lie to myself and say that it doesnt make me very uncomfortable in some cases#especially with characters that are more of a “sona” level for me#so i probably should have made my boundaries clear sooner haha#sorry for the rambles!
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I ordered something a little silly from Japan as my birthday present to meself…
That’s right it’s Freaking Out Over Gay Thoughts Mako 😌
#its an animation cel in case that isn't clear lol#she’s just like me fr#lol I found this on eBay and like IMMEDIATELY recognized the exact scene it was#I’d recognize gay panic mako anywhere#and like I don’t talk about her a TON but Mako is the character that I feel is the most like me#like we are literally the same in many ways and this episode made me INSANE#lol I’d been looking at the listing for weeks and decided I’d be mad at myself if I didn’t get it and it sold#but also it arrived a full week earlier than I thought and I’m not ready to frame it RIP#gotta go research archival framing techniques now lol#makoto kino#sailor moon
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we went up the Śnieżka mountain on monday and I think I may have used all my allocated steps for this week. I can barely walk to the toilet now lol
#nothing important#I cannot remember the last time my muscles hurt this much#I'm not sure they ever did#but I am kinda proud of myself bc there were five points along the way where I thought I'd just lie down and give up#but I made it#the worst thing was the last stretch before the schronisko/shelter bc it was so foggy that day you could not see more than ~15 meters#in front and we had no idea how much more there is to climb#on the way down when the weather cleared a bit it was funny to see you could see the peak of the mountain for quite a while from that path
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oh my god. i might actually finish making a cosplay
#FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS..........#just put on the main pieces cos. i was scared id have all the pieces but not be able#to put them on. BUT I COULD!!!!!!!! OOFHFHHDHB#now its just smaller pieces and accessories. and styling the wig#a photo finish.............#now im concerned a bit about moving around and getting the pieces on lmao#the cloak in particular will get in the way i feel like#to be clear i mean the first cosplay ive finished That i actually made entirely by myself#ohh i need to watch the fucking hubris. i just thought 'hmm what if i printed some oc cards'#I WISH.... BUT THERES NO TIME#gotta focus... gotta lock in.........
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