#i thought his relationship with illumi when he was /very/ young might not have been all that bad tho. it's something that goes downhill with

[i-heart-hxh]

This is a question that rarely gets asked, but do you think Kikyo Zoldyck has a hidden side to her? I don't necessarily mean a good or softer side, but a reason to explain why she is the way she is? One post I saw brings up the fact that she had grown up in Meteor City, a place where the residents have very warped ideas regarding your place in the world/relationships with loved ones (exhibit A: The Phantom troupe). I'm willing to bet she has a lot lot of generational trauma from growing up in that hellhole and then being whisked off to Kukuroo Mountain as a teen bride (considering she had Illumi when she was 18) in what must have been a very drastic and disorienting change in social standing. Hell, she probably didn't even have parents, or if she did, then they probably weren't really good ones; she literally has no idea what being a mother truly is, and if she had to claw her way up in the world to the point of being able to marry Silva, then no wonder she doesn't bat an eye at torturing her own children (after all, gritting her teeth through all the suffering and hardship worked out great for her in the end, didn't it?). In fact, I wager that is why she (and by extension Illumi) is so fixated on Killua being the heir. Why would her darling son ever give up a life of wealth, privilege, and security? Why won't he appreciate her sacrifices and all that she had to do to get this life? It also adds a lot of dimensions to why Illumi or Kalluto are the most devoted out of all the Zoldycks; since they spent the most time with her, they probably were exposed to her anxieties and fears the most.

Again, none of this is to excuse the abuse or trauma she inflicted on her own children, but it does add a lot of depth to her beyond being a nagging wife.

Thank you for the very thoughtful and fascinating ask!

Togashi tends to imbue his characters with a sense of humanity even when their appearances are brief, so it wouldn't surprise me at all if Kikyo has reasons like this for the person she became and the decisions she makes. Very few characters in HxH can be considered purely "good" or "evil" in any sense--above all, they're portrayed as being humans with their own individual interests and motivations (which are understandable to a degree even in cases where the actions they lead to clearly aren't excusable).

I do like that, even with her small role in the series, we're left with little tidbits of her that are intriguing and in themselves lead to a sense that we can connect a narrative to them--like the fact that she's from Meteor City, must have been young when she married Silva, and the mystery of her visor and why she wears it/what function it might serve exactly. It's entirely probable her background explains her emotional instability and attitude around Killua, though of course at this point we don't have enough info to say for certain what her full backstory might be.

The way you filled in the gaps would make a wonderful basis for a fanfic, honestly!

I'm not sure if we'll ever get more solid info on her in canon with how much remains unanswered and unfinished in the series as it is, but regardless it's amazing how even the small bits of info we're provided on her offer enough for you to put together this compelling writing on how she came to be the way she is and how it affects her children. I would love it if we get more info on her and the rest of the Zoldycks in the future of the series, but regardless this makes a great argument for the potential basis of her character, and it connects well with the facts we do have on her. Thank you for writing this up!

[write-like-you-mean-it]

A Hunter’s Prey: Loving a Monster

Illumi stayed at her apartment for three more days after she had left. Truly, he didn’t know where to go. Going home meant he had to tell father that he had failed; a statement he’d never told his father before. The promise of never having another love clung to his mind like a death grip. He had failed.

Every inch of the apartment reminded Illumi of her walking through the door. Her last words of criticism about not saying sorry for what he did inch its way into her brain. Why hadn’t he apologized for what he’d done? He’d meant to remove the needle after Heaven’s Arena, but it all changed when he had received Chrollo’s call. He’d forgotten in leu of a new job. If only he knew the mess he’d be in when he returned.

Her apartment always seemed too dirty for his taste. There was random clothing thrown to the ground, shoes lined the wall near the door, and old wrappers lay on the kitchen table. It seemed like a dirty mess but then he remembers she hasn’t been back since he took her. No. She had returned but only for a short while.

The only mess that wasn’t hers was the broken glass that scattered the livingroom floor. A mess that Illumi had made for himself when he realized she was actually gone. He picked up a mug and threw it in a fit of rage.

While anger always boiled under his skin, he’d never acted in such a violent manner. Throwing things was always too immature for him. It always had been. Father made sure to strongly enforce that lesson when he was young.

Illumi could only stare at the broken pieces of glass that scattered across the room after he'd done it. The glass all around shimmered in the fading sun; lightening up the room in a cascade of brilliantly vibrant rainbows. It would’ve been considered, by most people, to be beautiful, but not to Illumi.

Rainbows brought back the time he first told his parents he loved them. He was young, around 5-6. Milluki was receiving the brute force of training at this point, and Illumi was left to his own. He was grateful for the time alone as it gave him time for his studies in between the cries from his brothers in agony. The butlers would run out every few days to get him a new book to read.

It was in these books that he found the relationship of parents and children to be fascinating. Mothers reading to their kids and fathers building forts. Children were cunning and brave. The perfect family.

The ones that caught Illumi’s attention the most were parents telling their kids how much they loved them. He didn’t know what love was. It sounded so forgein; yet, these families would repeat it to each other so often that it seemed like a code. Soon, Illumi noticed the word appearing in more and more stories. If all these perfect families said this code word to each other, then he must try it with the rest of his family.

It had rained the morning Illumi decided to try. Mother’s daily walk had been postponed to a time Illumi could join her. Normally, Illumi stayed silent for their walk so as not to disturb the peace. Today was different. His eyes were glued to the bright rainbow draped across the sky as he said those three little words: “I love you, mom.”

It was followed by a swift hit on the top of his head with her fan. “Now, Illumi. You should know better than to say such silly things. Do we need to have a talk with your father about upping your training. It seems like you’ve been reading too much fantasy and that is not good for a growing boy. If you do become head of this house, like your father, you’re going to have to stop daydreaming and practice.”

Illumi’s scolding was enough for him to not try it with his father. Love must be something earned. His mother’s telling off only made him more interested in reading about these perfect families. How do they get to say the forbidden phrase and not his family?

A crash of thunder from outside brought Illumi out of his thoughts. He’d sat so long that a rainstorm had rolled in without Illumi realizing it. He felt a deep twisting in his heart as he hoped she was alright.

She was right. He could go find her and forcefully take her back with him. It would be so easy even with her Nen growing stronger. No. He has already done too much. Instead of cleaning up the broken glass, he decided to sleep on the old, worn couch. He was, after all, paying to keep this apartment.

Illumi had always known he'd be a father. It was his only goal in life to continue on the Zoldyck family legacy even if Killua refused. Now that there was a child, Illumi finally understood the fear associated with a baby. He’d already messed up with giving this child the perfect home and perfect family. Now, he was gripped with the fear of treating the baby the same way he was treated.

He had yet to fall asleep on the couch. His mind was occupied with thoughts of his own childhood. The constant beatings if he did not perform everything perfectly. The consistent yelling and anger that filled not only his father but mother. The death that he’d become so numb to.

Illumi had lost fear so long ago. Now that it has appeared once again, fear feels like a stranger’s touch. Fear gripped his chest so desperately that he could feel each and every breath was like gasping underwater. He was afraid he’d lost her for good. He was afraid that someone could hurt her. He was afraid for his future child.

This emotion was what led him to taking her in the first place. She was as beautiful as the brightest sunrise or the clear blue of the sea on a sunny day. Her smile sent his heart on a race. When he looked into her eyes, Illumi felt a pure innocence that he craved more than life itself. An innocence about the depravity the world had to offer. An innocence again his own life. If Illumi was honest, he knew she’d never fall for a man like him.

When Illumi went to that bar the night he took her, he didn’t intend to do it. Illumi only wanted to watch her, to observe her. Illumi had taken to the table in the very back with a perfect view of her and her friend’s table. As she talked, Illumi had become more infatuated with her. Every happy look left my knot deep within the pit of his stomach.

She and her friends went to a club with her friends, and Illumi had to follow close behind. Years of sleth training made it so easy to follow her without being seen. Illumi could've watched her dance all night. She was too gorgeous to be out on the floor and no one else took her mind. Many guys had approached her but all of them were quickly turned away.

Ilumi wanted to approach her. He craved the thought of shooting his shot. But he knew exactly how he looked and what he was. He was a monster. No one was put together and confident would ever fall for him.

It was when she took a break at the bar that he decided to spike her drink. Illumi still regrets it until the day he told her. He had to get her home. It was the only way he had a shot. It was the only way she might like him if there was no one else.

Kalluto tried to convince him to let her go but he couldn’t. It wasn’t until the constant screams and cries that he realized his mistake. It was the same cries Milluki and Kalluto and Killua, and himself had cried at the hands of our parents. Once he heard her screams of terror, he wanted to let her go.

It should have been easy to let her go. She was pleading and begging for her life. On her third night, Illumi’s mind was set to let her go. Or it was until his father convinced him otherwise. She could never be let go because she knew too much. She knew his face and Kalluto’s face. This could be dire for the both of them or for her. People could torture her if she ever went to the press. It was too risky.

That was why she stayed. Illumi had to keep her safe until she trusted him.

Illumi didn’t know when he fell asleep on the couch. The old fluff was stiff and dry which played havoc on his back. How did she ever live like this? Waking up in the room only brought back deeper and hurt filled feelings that an unrestful and lumpy night’s sleep could never fix.

He’d always known that their relationship was rocky. He forced her into a life that she did not need to be a part of joining. He did this just so he could be selfish for once. Killua was right. He would always be a monster.

However, as time continued, Illumi fell so deeply in love with her that he's convinced himself that everything was for the better. He knew he loved her when watching her on the plane ride. Her fiery attitude and bite made his heart stop.

As Illumi sat up on the couch, a few tears rolled down his cheek. Heartache was normal for him but this was different. This feeling was like a festering wound that never seemed to patch over. He should have let go of her after he knew she’d be alright. Yet, she came back.

He’d always been so distant and angry towards her that he never knew she fell for him too. Illumi knew that his needles could only do so much. They were a powerful weapon; however, they couldn’t have someone fall in love. The command he had used was dedication and not love.

So every “I love you” that drips from her lips was genuine. Illumi knew she would never believe him. She had said them 5 times. He kept count in the journal he bought to wite emotions about her that he couldn’t process. Every “I love you” meant more to him than the world itself. He found someone to love him.

Now sitting in this room, all Illumi wanted was to hear her say it again. He wanted her to fall in love with him again. He would do anything and everything for her to sleep in his arms or smile at him. Illumi wanted a life for them but he messed up. He knows that he will never find the same love again. No one can love a monster.

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter

Full Masterlist

[decembercamiecherries]

Chapter title: Going Steady

Chapter word count: 2,609 -> Total story word count: 8,318

Chapter summary:

Gon says softly, quietly, “Imagine no one could touch hands. Imagine this was a sign from the universe that we were meant to be together. Would you find this embarrassing?”

Killua’s ears grow warm. There's something intense in the way Gon gazes at Killua’s palm—almost as if he were a priest and Killua’s palm, the altar. 

“...maybe,” Killua admits. “If it was something that important, I might.”

Gon lifts his eyes. He raises a hand to brush Killua’s cheek with his knuckles, touch feather-light, and Killua sucks in a shaking breath.

“If it meant we were soulmates,” Gon asks in a murmur and Killua’s blood races. “Could I make you embarrassed just by touching your cheek...or your face?” 

Warm hands cup both of Killua’s cheeks, forcing him to stare into glittering golden eyes. Killua looks back helplessly, overwhelmed by Gon and all his intensity. He’s drowning in Gon, sinking into him, and he can’t find it in himself to care. 

Happy birthday Gon!!!! I technically didn’t write this for his birthday but I’m happy to post it today as part of the fandom celebration ^-^ This is part three of this drabble, which takes place in a universe where two people can only kiss if they’re soulmates!

-o0o-

“How does it feel?”

“How does what feel?” Killua asks absentmindedly. He’s sitting cross-legged on a wooden bench just outside his and Gon’s school, a screwdriver in his hand as he carefully fiddles with his skateboard. A screw in the wheel had come loose just yesterday on his way home from the Freecss’ house.

Killua frowns. He has to fix this wheel before the bell rings. He had promised Gon he would teach him after school how to—

“The kissing, Brother,” Alluka says, her tone half-exasperated, half-fond through the speaker of Killua’s phone. “I’ve never done it before, obviously. What does it feel like?”

Killua promptly drops the screwdriver.

“A-Alluka!” he sputters. “Y-You can’t just—just ask about kissing out of nowhere like that—”

“Why not? I’m curious!”

Killua snatches the screwdriver off the ground as warmth floods his cheeks. “Don’t you think that's a pretty intimate question to be asking your big brother?”

“Who else am I gonna ask? Mom, Dad? Because they reacted so well when Gon kissed you in front of—”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Killua sighs and rubs his forehead. This was so not how he had expected Alluka to react when telling her he found his soulmate.

Not that Alluka had reacted poorly—her voice had been nothing short of overjoyed once Killua finally got over his embarrassment and told her how he and Gon had (literally) smashed their faces together in some stupid attempt for teenage thrill. She even wants to meet Gon over facetime some night this week. Her approval means more to Killua than anyone else’s and had left Killua sagging with relief.

But then the whole ‘kissing’ thing has come up.

“So?” Alluka asks excitedly and Killua bites the inside of his cheek. “C’mon, Brother. Tell me: what does it feel like?”

-o0o-

Gon tilts his head curiously. “And what did you tell her?”

“I told her…”

Killua hesitates, twisting a single plastic star over and over again in his hands. It’s hours after his conversation with Alluka, hours after school finished for the day, hours after he had entered the Freecss’ house with Gon’s hand holding tightly onto his. He’s sitting cross-legged on Gon’s carpet and watching as his soulmate carefully presses glow-in-the-dark stickers onto the ceiling to match the constellations of the night sky.

Killua’s happy with Gon. Really. His is. He’s comfortable in Gon’s room, safe in this warm house and shielded from the prying eyes of his parents and Illumi alike. And yet, even with Killua more at ease than he’s ever been...he struggles to answer a simple question.

Because, the thing is, Killua’s never been particularly good at opening up. He’d been taught from a young age that feelings are Bad and Unnecessary and a Burden. So Killua learned to never voice his wants and inner thoughts, that it was better to push everything down and run rather than leave himself vulnerable for attack.

But Killua is quickly learning that being in a relationship—no matter if that relationship is with friends or lovers or soulmates—takes work and communication. And Gon is Killua’s soulmate. Killua’s other half. Killua’s life partner. And Gon wants to hear what Killua has to say, even if it’s embarrassing or makes Killua turn bright red or sounds dumb.

So Killua takes a deep breath and steels himself for the wave of mortification that will soon hit him right in the chest.

“...I told her it was a little weird,” Killua admits. Gon immediately laughs—a bright and boisterous sound that makes Killua’s heart flutter and twist at the same time—and Killua quickly ducks his head to hide his blush. “B-But in a good way, obviously! Uh.”

Gon’s snickering grows louder at Killua’s protest. “Wow, Killua,” he says with a grin, looking over his shoulder. “You know most people actually enjoy kissing their soulmates—”

“I do like kissing you, I—I just—”

“Killua.”

The mattress creaks as Gon lightly jumps to the floor. He knees down and lays his hand over Killua’s, gently removing the glow-in-the-dark star and placing it on the floor next to the others.

Killua stares pointedly at the carpet. His heart thumps against his ribcage, throbs in the back of his head. What if he made Gon uncomfortable by saying all that? What if Gon doesn’t want—

Gon hooks a finger under Killua’s chin and lifts Killua’s face. Their gazes meet and the tightness in Killua’s chest loosens. He sees nothing but a soft warmth shining in Gon’s eyes.

“I’m just teasing you,” Gon says sincerely and drops his hand from under Killua’s chin. “I know this is all...new. It’s new to me, too! So I don’t think it’s bad you think the whole kissing thing is weird.”

Killua bites down on his bottom lip. “You really think that?”

Gon—whose gaze had darted down briefly—looks up again and beams. “Of course! I mean, neither of us has ever kissed anyone before. The only references we have are from movies and books and those don’t help at all.”

“Yeah...they really don’t.”

Killua understands exactly what Gon means. Movies are cold, distant. In the past, the imaginary connection between characters hadn’t mattered as much since Killua had nothing to compare it to. But finding his soulmate had changed that for Killua. Gon had changed everything. Killua could no longer watch a story play out on screen and pretend the edited kisses were real when they were so obviously fake and bland and lacking any of the raging emotions Killua felt when kissing Gon.

Gon rubs his thumb across Killua’s knuckles, smiling shyly at Killua. “But even though it feels a little weird…I hope you do like kissing me, at least a little.”

Killua doesn’t let himself look away. Communication, connection, honestly. He wants to be open with Gon, his soulmate. And so his voice shakes only slightly when he admits, “Of course I do. You’re...you make me happy, Gon. So happy. Happier than I’ve ever been, even.”

Gon’s eyes light up. “Really? I do that?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Really, really?”

Killua frowns, sensing where this is going. “Yes. Really, really.”

“Really, really, really—?”

“Don’t be a smart-ass,” Killua grumbles, reaching out with his free hand to pinch a freckled cheek, and Gon laughs again. The sound fills Killua with that familiar bubbling, weightless feeling. It’s true, Gon makes Killua happy. But it makes Killua even happier knowing he somehow makes Gon happy, too.

Killua squeezes Gon’s hands. “Do you...do you enjoy kissing me? ”

Gon blinks. “Wha—of course! I love kissing you, Killua. It’s my favorite thing in the world.” Gon’s freckled cheeks turn pink with a happy blush and Killua’s heart soars. “Kissing you makes my heart grow really, really big, like it’s going to explode or something!”

“And you don’t find it weird?” Killua asks, just a little desperate, and Gon shakes his head.

“No. Not for the reason you’re thinking, at least. It feels a little weird, like you said, only because I’ve never done it before. But I like being connected to you, if that makes any sense? I like feeling your lips move against mine and knowing it means we were meant for each other.”

“I...You—” Killua is very, very warm right now, “—you are so embarrassing.”

Gon grins as he releases Killua’s hand to pick up the star he’d taken from Killua not so long ago. “You’re the one who asked! I’m not gonna sit here and lie, Killua.”

Killua watches Gon peel off the plastic covering on the back of the star. His cheeks are tingling with warmth. He had been the one to ask. But Gon was too blunt all the same.

He wonders aloud, “How can you not get embarrassed saying stuff like that? We’re soulmates and I have a hard time just saying that I—that I like you.”

“You just overthink this stuff more than I do,” Gon says with a shrug. “Besides, why should I get embarrassed that I like kissing you? Kissing is part of having a soulmate and you are my soulmate.”

“You really have no filter, huh?”

“Part of my charm,” Gon teases and Killua rolls his eyes, lips twitching. “Really, though. Think about it. Would you get embarrassed over us holding hands?”

Killua frowns. “No...not really. But that’s not as intimate as kissing.”

“Imagine if it was, though.”

Gon puts aside the plastic star again, before taking one of Killua’s hands and gently turning it over so it rests palm up. Tingles of electricity race up Killua’s arm as Gon intently studies Killua’s hand. Calloused fingers slowly trace the wrinkles in Killua’s palm, the lines where his fingers bend. Blunt nails drag across pale skin. The silence stretches on as the tension between them starts to grow and swell.

Gon says softly, quietly, “Imagine no one could touch hands. Imagine this was a sign from the universe that we were meant to be together. Would you find this embarrassing?”

Killua’s ears grow warm. There's something intense in the way Gon gazes at Killua’s palm—almost as if he were a priest and Killua’s palm, the altar.

“...maybe,” Killua admits. “If it was something that important, I might.”

Gon lifts his eyes. He raises a hand to brush Killua’s cheek with his knuckles, touch feather-light, and Killua sucks in a shaking breath.

“If it meant we were soulmates,” Gon asks in a murmur and Killua’s blood races. “Could I make you embarrassed just by touching your cheek...or your face?”

Warm hands cup both of Killua’s cheeks, forcing him to stare into glittering golden eyes. Killua looks back helplessly, overwhelmed by Gon and all his intensity. He’s drowning in Gon, sinking into him, and he can’t find it in himself to care.

Gon whispers, “If all that were true, do you think you might find all of this just as important as kissing?”

“I—I don’t know,” Killua says breathlessly.

The corners of Gon’s eyes crinkle. “You’re a bad liar, Killua.”

Killua’s skin burns where Gon touches him. He lifts his hands to tightly grip Gon’s wrists, to ground himself, to hold onto Gon just as Gon is holding onto him. “And you are a tease.”

Gon laughs quietly but doesn’t deny it. Killua stops breathing as Gon’s thumb shifts over ever so slightly, the pad of his finger brushing against Killua’s lower lip.

Time seems to freeze. All Killua can see are scattered freckles and round, flushed cheeks, soft lips and gold eyes that won’t stop staring. Something hot coils in Killua’s gut and his nails dig into Gon’s wrist. And still, Gon doesn’t blink. Doesn’t move.

“...you wanna know something?” Gon murmurs and Killua swallows.

“What?” Killua whispers. His lips brush against Gon’s thumb.

“You keep saying kissing is this big intimate thing because not everyone can do it. And if you can kiss someone, it means that you were meant for each other and each other alone.”

“And I never really thought about it that way before now,” Gon continues thoughtfully. “But now that I am thinking about it...no one has ever touched you here where I’m touching you right now. And no one ever will. This—kissing you, touching your lips—this is a part of you that only belongs to me.”

Gon pauses, as if collecting his thoughts. Killua tries to pick apart Gon’s words and understand his meaning, but it’s hard to think when Gon is being so distracting. His soulmate's hands are still stroking his cheeks, gold eyes staring into Killua’s like they’re the most amazing things in the world. And maybe for Gon, they are. Maybe Gon really is just as entranced by Killua as Killua is by Gon.

“S-So?” Killua says faintly. “What are you trying to say?”

“So, I’m saying that I...I like that.” Gon smiles as Killua blinks. “I know it’s selfish. But I can’t help it! I’m glad you are soulmate, Killua. And I’m really, really glad that I’m the only one in the entire world who gets to kiss you.”

As if to prove his point, Gon leans in. Killua’s eyes close as warm, wonderful lips press to his. They’re the only lips Killua will ever kiss and Killua doesn’t mind it nearly as much as he once thought he might. He used to wonder how people never got bored of being with the same person for the rest of their life, of kissing them every day, of waking up and always seeing the same familiar face.

But then Killua met Gon—Gon, who is excitable and energetic and impulsive on even the slowest of days—and he’s never wondered since.

Killua’s lungs burn a little as Gon continues to kiss him and he inhales deeply through his nose. Gon’s mouth is soft and gentle, but unyielding. He kisses Killua with a firmness that doesn’t leave Killua with any room to escape...not that Killua minds. He likes being held this tightly by Gon. It makes him feel needed. It makes him feel wanted.

Killua is breathless and dizzy by the time Gon finally, finally pulls away. “Y-You—” he pants, “—you really are selfish.”

Gon grins, unabashed with flushed cheeks and bright eyes. “Does that bother you?”

“No. Not—Not really.” Killua sucks in a huge breath. “That’s just—just you? I know you, Gon. And I’m not g-going anywhere.”

It’s true. Killua does know Gon—or maybe it’s just that they understand each other in a strangely instinctive, indescribable way. Gon is simple yet complicated. Straightforward but mysterious, selfish but self-sacrificing. Happy and lonely. He had grown up as a single child on a farm far, far away and only moved to the suburbs as a teenager. And in that sense, they were similar. Killua, too, had been alone and lonely for years and years before he finally convinced his parents to let him attend public high school. Being the chosen heir to a wealthy family with impossible expectations had that sort of effect on a person.

Meeting Gon had changed that, though. For the first time, someone listened to Killua. Someone wanted to know him —not for his wealth or skills, but for his personality and interests. Gon cares about Killua because he’s Killua. Because they’re friends.

And now, because they’re soulmates.

Gon’s eyes are shining with some indescribable emotion. “Yeah. You do know me. And I know you, too.”

Killua lets out a shuddering breath. There are butterflies in his stomach and his face is hot. He can’t believe he got this lucky, got to be with the one person in the world he would have chosen to be with anyway.

“Do you know that I’m selfish, too?” he asks and Gon tilts his head with a frown.

“No, you’re not. You’re the least selfish person I know, Killua.”

“I’m selfish when it comes to you,” Killua clarifies and Gon’s eyebrows raise. “I...I want to be the only person to kiss you here, too.”

He touches Gon’s mouth with the tips of his fingers. Gon’s eyes darken and his lips part under Killua’s touch. Something hot coils in Killua’s gut.

“You’re the only person I would want to kiss me there,” Gon says, causing Killua’s heart to soar. “You’re the only person I want to kiss, ever.”

Killua smiles, a small twitch of his lips as he leans in close. Gon’s golden gaze stays locked on Killua as Killua whispers, “It’s a good thing we’re soulmates then, huh?”

“It’s the best thing in the whole world,” Gon agrees before cupping Killua’s face and kissing him once more.

[flockofdoves]

hxh and/or fma (for the anime ask meme)

hxh

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching| might watch | currently watching| dropped| hated it | meh| a positive okay| liked it| liked it a lot!| loved it| a favorite

don’t watch period| drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes| give it a go, could be your thing| 5 star recommendation

fav characters: i love all the main 4 but definitely gravitate a lot to kurapika!! for more minor characters theres so many but i love knuckle bine a lot dfkjghdfk. also i love alluka and nanika so much my daughters

least fav characters: hisoka, also palm like while i want hisoka to die i Guess i can appreciate his aesthetic far away from gon and killua and also like . i guess he can be an example of how unaccommodating towards kids hxh’s freak ancap society can be but palm just being a pedophile but played for laughs but also theres weird misogyny and ableism in her characterization and then all of a sudden we’re just gonna forget all that and she’s cool now?????? hewwo??????? i would prefer hxh if she did not exist or if a palm siberia that looked similar (again a nice aesthetic) but was entirely not the same character. like . what was gained from this oh my god.

fav relationship: gon and killua!!!!! ofc i love leorio and kurapika too but killua and gon is so blatant and i feel it could literally happen or at least just . they just Are each others first loves and they make me emotional in so many ways. non romantically just the found family in the main 4 and also killua and alluka and then killua coming to love and understand nanika too through alluka caring for her…. oh my god…. Siblings….

fav moment: omg uhhhh theres a lot?? a big one that immediately comes to mind tho is killua pulling out illumis needle ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

headcanons/theories: i think we should find a way to synthesize both the fantheory that gon was born as some . homunculus thing from the greed island pregnancy stone and the one that pariston and ging fucked and pariston is gon’s other parent for the most distressing gon origin story

unpopular opinion: i know i have some but i don’t remember atm i’ve already rambled way too much rn

how’d you find it: i literally don’t remember i gotta think about this tbh i’ve been into hxh since i was like 14?? like yeah everyone whos ever been into anime has at least heard of hxh in passing but i feel like there wass some specific prompting for me getting into it that i can’t remember anymore. almost don’t want to remember because theres a high chance it was bc of some people i get sad thinking about now but out of all the people i was around back then fortunately i think it seems most likely i got into it bc of one of the few people i still care for among the people i hung out around as a young teen

random thoughts: i’m a fake fan i’m still not caught up with the manga i love it so much but i’ve barely read any manga i care about these past couple years i just know what people are talking about through osmosis nowadays i REALLY wanna legit catch up !!!!!

fma

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching| might watch | currently watching| dropped| hated it | meh| a positive okay| liked it| liked it a lot!| loved it| a favorite

don’t watch period| drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes| give it a go, could be your thing| 5 star recommendation

my bolds make no sense on this one and thats because i’m a fake!!!!! i was absolutely obsessed with fmab as a tween and watched almost all of it but then netflix didnt have the last season and that was when i was dumb and the only thing i ever pirated was glee on megavideo so me and my brother watched the last season by recording it when it was airing on adult swim and i know i got so close to the end but like somewhere towards the last few episodes i’m assuming (??) my brother watched it when i wasn’t home and then my parents deleted the recording before i could watch it and then i just???????? never watched it??????

so tl;dr i watched the vast majority of fmab (and started the manga) as a tween but like. never finished it and i was in love with it then but its been so long now i don’t trust my opinions to be very accurate about it.

i really really want to actually finish it some day!!! but at this point i feel like i should just restart so thats why i keep putting it off bc thats gonna take some dedication when i barely finish shorter things even anymore

so. disclaimer the following is very much filtered through me as a 13 year old and my memories from that plus how friends who love it have influenced me since fdjkghdfkj

fav characters: back then al was my favorite character and i had a crush on izumi curtis dkfjghkdf and then i always loved scar but now i feel he’d def be my fav

least fav characters: i had dumb opinions about this back then i’m sure. i think now i’d probably dislike roy even tho i used to like him. i dont remember enough to say more

fav relationship: i wasn’t big on ships watching it as a kid but i appreciated winry and ed idk. in retrospect and from fanwork friends share i think ed and ling seems like a lot of fun?? oh wait who was that one other mechanic girl i think i shipped her with winry very casually back then??? (edit: ig she wasnt a mechanic i got confused bc she showed winry who made her automail but i meant paninya!!!) but in retrospect i stayed away from fanworks bc they made me uncomfortable with all the gross shit but i didn’t think i was justified in feeling like that :(

fav moment: back then i thought the reveal of some of the people who ended up being homunculuses was so Epic but idk now

headcanons/theories: idk enough!!!!

unpopular opinion: idk probably like ……. going in being conscious of imperialism stuff now i’m sure i’ll have more contrary opinions than i used to but idk enough yet

how’d you find it: i literally just was going through netflix like ‘oh this is a popular anime’ and put it on on a whim

random thoughts: this whole ask took me so long to answer why am i so rambly djfkghjkdfgh also god. my terrible pattern of never finishing media for the smallest of reasons. one day i will actually consume media that takes brain power to process again…… i mostly just read like. romance webcomics and fanfic nowadays rip

thank you for this!!!!

[todokori-kun]

Ack

 that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school?  because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological,  too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works.  so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start.  i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining! 

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES.  I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development.  I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general:  FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it... 

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.  I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;