#i think you need either an entire guilted deck or a deck with insanely good traits or both

[thecutestdragonslayer]

i’m so glad i finished proud mode way before the update. that iron giant would give me a headache for sure.

[prideandpen]

Can I please request the reading you are offering

Libra sun, Aries moon

Can I please know how my future spouse will be like

Thank you😊

First row. Light Seer’s Tarot 6 of Swords (R), Strength (R),8 of Pentacles (R), Ace of Swords (R) Second row. Rider-Waite Tarot: 3 if Pentacles, 6 of Cups (R), King of Pentacles Third row. Wisdom of the Oracle: Mending (R), Poised, All that Glitters Fourth row. Oracle of the 7 Energies Exposed and Revealed, A Grand Symphony Fifth row. Foxfire, The Kitsune Oracle: Hope, Beneath the Surface, The Garden of the Night

Hi kawaiimarshmallow! Here’s your reading for what your future spouse is like. The reading itself is kinda long so it’s below the cut.

In the Light Seer's tarot we start off with the 6 of Swords in reverse. Right away this tells me that we're looking at someone who struggles to accept other people's help. They have a very do-it-themselves type of personality. Now keep in mind that while they are your future spouse this could be their current energy and so it's entirely possible that this something they might grow out of, or something that through your relationship they might grow out of. However this could also just be something they'll always have to work on. With Strength reversed I think that despite their do-it-alone type personality they're probably someone who struggles to see their own value and doesn’t recognize their own strength, this energy in them comes from the 8 of Pentacles in reverse where they've likely been someone who has or has had trouble reaching their goals due to inexperience, lack of motivation, or lack of interest. The Ace of Swords reversed is where we start to expand on this because I'm seeing one of two possibilities here. Either your future spouse has tried to follow a path that was pre-determined for them (thus the lack of interest) and struggles or has struggled to accept that the path laidn out for them isn’t right and that they need to follow their own path. Or this is an explanation of why they have a hard time reaching their goals and tells us this person over analyzes themselves and their work. This person probably struggles with some sort of anxiety, adhd, or other mental health disorder (though please don't take this as a diagnosis or medical advice, it's not. Just the energy from the reading) and it affects their sense of self. There is the possibility that this card in reverse (paired with what we've looked at in the other cards so far) could be suggesting that your future spouse might be a part of the lgbtq+ community and has some challenges around accepting and embracing that.

With the Rider-Waite deck to clarify the Light Seer's deck we start with the 3 of Pentacles which tells me that although this person is someone who has a difficult time accepting help from others they're generous when it comes to offering help. I get the sense that they’re the type of person who will stop what they’re doing at the drop of a hat to help others whenever they can either with advice, working on something with someone, or financially.

The 6 of cups in reverse here makes me think of two things. One, this person is probably not someone who has already been in your life but someone new. And two, that this person has to work on forgiving themselves for the things they've struggled with. Be it work, hobbies, joy, their own identity, whatever. By working on forgiving themselves they'll reach a point where they can better maintain a healthy relationship with themselves, with their future spouse (that's you!), and with others.

The King of Pentacles here is a sign that something this person does not struggle with is their finances. This goes hand in hand with their generosity as I mentioned in the 3 of Pentacles. I get the sense that this person comes from a wealthy background, maybe not insanely wealthy, but their family has definitely been comfortable financially and that carries into their own life as an adult.

With Mending in reverse as our first of the Wisdom of the Oracle cards this repeats the theme of this person needing to forgive themselves for their past in order to have healthy relationships. Seeing as there are two people in the image of the card this could be something that either you encourage or inspire in them when you enter their life, or something that happens through the course of the natural ups and downs of your relationship with them.

In Poised I can see that through forgiving themselves, healing, and beginning to accept help offered to them as much as they offer it to others they'll begin to reach the best version of who they are. They'll start to be as confident as they pretend to be and that confidence and kindness will radiate from them. And I do think they're someone who appears to be more confident than they are. They wear a mask, often showing others what they think people want to see from them, hiding their struggles and their stress with a bit of charm, a bit of money, and a bit of kindness.

All that Glitters is another card that feels like it has a double meaning. First it's another card that suggests that this person comes from a well-off family background, and second it feels like it's confirming what I said about the previous card, and how their poise isn't as well balanced as it seems. Behind their charm and confident mask they're struggling too, they just don't want people to see it. This card could also suggest that while their family is well-off they might cut ties or be uncomfortable with their family money.

Exposed and Revealed, from the 7 Energies Oracle, is about mending that guilt and forgiving themselves - if, as I mentioned earlier, they are a part of the lgbtq+ communities this could be about them coming out, to you, to others, or in general and feeling the discomfort and relief that comes with that. If not, this could simply be about allowing you to see behind their mask and showing you their struggles. Ultimately it's about vulnerability, the kind that comes with either trust or necessity, and sometimes both.

It could also go along with the next card, A Grand Symphony, which brings me back to what I said earlier about how they've maybe tried to fit themselves into a pre-determined role that isnt right for them. I'm getting orchestral vibes from this card, particularly string instruments like the violin, so maybe your future spouse is a musician or involved with music in some way. This could also be another card about accepting help. In order to be a part of any type of team, including an orchestra, including a relationship, you have to be able to work with other people help them, and accept help in return. There has to be trust, and a willingness to allow others to see your struggles and a willingness to accept help in improving.

In the Foxfire Oracle we start with Hope. This card makes it abundantly clear to me that although your future spouse is someone who struggles initially, and maybe for awhile, with something as important as accepting help from others and letting people see beneath their mask they will let you in, in time. And not only that, but their struggles with finding their own way in life - be it with their identity, orientation, work, etc - are far from hopeless. They will find their way through to happiness, they'll find the things that really do glitter and enjoy that grand symphony of a life coming together beautifully.

Beneath the Surface is the first card here that makes me think that at first you might not be taken in by their charm and pretend confidence. You might not dislike them at first, but I feel like you wont be particularly fond of them. The word arrogant comes to mind. You might, at first, think them pretentious because of the confident way they act or even because of their money. You might even at first think it's their kindness that's fake and not their confidence. But once you get to know them you'll start to see what's beneath the surface; what's good, what's bad, and what's real.

The Garden of the Night repeats this, saying that what looks one way in one light might look another in a different light. Things, people, situations, challenges, are not always what they appear to be at first. Good things might not be so good. Things that bother you might come to delight you, challenges may actually be opportunities. One other thing I see in this card is a safe haven. A garden in the night, a refuge from the busy day to day life, some peace and quiet and a place to unwind. That's what your future spouse will be for you as time goes on and your relationship deepens, and what, in turn, I suspect you'll be for them.

To sum it up, your future spouse is someone who struggles to accept help from others, and to accept themselves, but they’re also someone who is kind and generous, and likely has an affinity for the arts. You might get off to a rocky start with them but in time you’ll be someone each other can lean and depend on, their vulnerability with you (and yours with them) will be an important factor in your relationship.

[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary - Chapter 61

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  SECOND LAST CHAPTER! EEEEEK! I’VE ALREADY BEGUN THE THIRD AND FINAL INSTALMENT OF TYLER/ESME SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED ;)

WARNINGS: none

TAGGING: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @thunderintheshadows​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @valkyrie-of-the-light​

He can’t remember the last time he woke up like this; gradually, instead of bolting awake because of a nightmare or even the smallest of noises and the slightest of movements.  Eyes slowly flickering open, taking in the brilliant sunshine that streams through the curtains; a slight breeze tumbling through the window and fluttering the thin fabric. He’d managed an entire night’s sleep. Worn out by jet lag and the multiple emotional meltdowns and their love making; once in the kitchen, again in the living room, and then their final session in the bedroom.  The pain is there.  It’s always there. And he suspects it will be for the rest of his life. It, along with the various scars that mar his body, the memories of his previous life that he’s burdened to carry forever.  

Still on his stomach, Tyler reaches blindly for his cellphone that rests on the table next to his side of the bed, using the heel of his other palm to clear sleep from his eyes as he checks the time.  

6:28.

It’s actually late for him. For five and a half years he’s been getting up at the crack of dawn; accepting his role as the one that wakes with whatever baby when they decided it was time for a change and a bottle. It made him feel useful; that he wasn’t just the one responsible for putting in half of the DNA needed to create a life in the first place. So he’d happily and willing taken that on. Enjoying those quiet moments that he shared just between him and his child. Children, in the twins’ case. Often sitting out on the front porch or on the back deck with them cradled against him; enjoying the way those tiny bodies snuggled into him, how all of their fingers would curl around one of his as he fed them their bottle, those bright blue eyes never leaving his the entire time.  Pure, beautiful moments that he’d never felt as if he’d deserved. Especially after the horrible decision he’d made when Austin was so sick. It was something he’d thought he’d pay for for the rest of his life; karma either sending him to an early grave or allowing him to escape death time and time again in favour or living with profound guilt and self hate.  But then he’d met Esme, and everything changed. He changed. Starting with those five days in a dirty hotel room in Dhaka.

He quickly checks for texts. It’s an old habit; used to either being woken up in the middle of the night or being finding missed messages.   Something was always happening; problems with other missions that Nik wanted his input on, a job that she needed him to do, or when she’d been into the wine and she’d send him her many propositions, filthy suggestions, and…once or twice…half naked photos of herself.  Constantly flooding his inbox with her bullshit; despite the four kids and the wedding band on his finger and telling her time and time again that he’d never…in a million years…cheat on his wife. The one person that loved him unconditionally, despite all of his bullshit. Who he loved in the exact same fashion.  A woman that had come into his life when he least expected and altered everything. That stuck by him during even the most difficult and trying of times, and who not only had given him everything of herself that she possibly had, but a chance at a normal life.  

Nothing from Nik. Or Yaz. They’ve gone silent and he’s grateful for that.  He needs time; time to deal with all of the bullshit going on in his head, time to let go of everything in the past that’s been weighing him down and threatening to destroy not only him, but his marriage. His body and mind need rest, and he was certain that neither of them…especially Nik…would be willing to let that happen.  They felt he owed them answers; an explanation as to why he just gave up and walked away. He felt he owed them shit. Weren’t years of blood, sweat, and tears enough? Hadn’t he already paid his debts? Wasn’t nearly dying in Dhaka a big enough price to pay?

There’s two messages. Both from Ovi. The first is a picture of the kids gathered around…and on top of…their uncle Kyle in the middle of his brother in law’s living room floor. He’d created a makeshift sleeping area with a blow-up mattress and all of the cushions from the couch, and all of them -including Kyle himself- were fast asleep.   The second is a text itself; one that brings tears to Tyler’s eyes. Heartfelt and poignant.  That once teen now a man just putting his heart out there.  Telling him how grateful he was that fate had brought them together. That they’d been strangers but now they were family. A family that he loves and is proud of and never wants to let go.  How Tyler doesn’t think he’s brave, but he’s the bravest person Ovi has ever known.

You have to do battle with your own head every day. And you always beat it. That’s courage. That’s brave.

It takes him several minutes to compose himself; to be able to see the screen in order to compose a message in response. Just a simple thank you. And a ‘I’ll see you soon, mate’.  Ovi won’t expect anything else; he knows Tyler is a man of few words. Especially in emotional situations.  

Putting the cell phone back on the table, he rolls over onto his back; grimacing at the tightness in the middle of his spine and at the pain that take erupts in his shoulder and travels down all the way to his fingers. And he closes his eyes, a forearm across his brow, attempting to will the pain away instead of having to actually get up and get some meds; content in the warm confines of his bed…their bed. With that warm, soft body sleeping next him.  

She stirs, rolling over onto her side, sliding closer to him and laying a hand on his stomach.  “What’s wrong?” she mumbles, eyes never opening

“Nothing’s wrong.  Ovi just sent me a couple text messages that I didn’t get until this morning.”

“That’s because I kept you too busy to look at you phone,” she says, and then gives a sleepy giggle.  “I told you I was crazy hormonal.”

“I am not complaining,” he grins, and remove his forearm from his eyes and lays his hand on the top of her head; slowly running his palm over her hair, down onto the nape of her neck and to the spot between her shoulders. “Think we can keep things crazy hormonal in a good way? Because sometimes…”

“I go batshit insane?”

“Well, I was going to say sometimes you’re a little off the rails. But if you prefer batshit insane…”

“Do ever wonder who came up with that saying? Who decided that batshit was the insane? How does someone go about discovering something like that?”

“Babe, our brains do not work in the same way. Because no. I’ve never once wondered that.  Do you just have all these wild, weird things running free in that pretty little head of yours? Because I’d love to be able to get in there for just one day and see what’s going on in that mind.”

“Trust me, you do not want to know,” she laughs, and moves even closer to her. Tucking herself under his arm, presses tightly against his side. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven.”

She groans. “What is wrong with you? Why are you up so early? You’re retired now. You can sleep all damn day if you want. There’s no kids here, no dog, it’s quiet, it’s relaxing. There’s no need to be up this early.”

“Force of habit,” he reasons, and drops a kiss on the top of her head.  

“A lot of habits are going to change,” she says, eyes closed as her fingers trace the tattoos and scars that decorate his body. She doesn’t have to look, every location and every inch of each long ago memorized.  “Maybe you will get fat and lazy.”

He grins. “You still gonna stick around if that happens?”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily and you know it. It would take a lot more than you getting fat and lazy.  But we both know that’s likely not going to happen because you…” her fingers move along his throat; over his Adam’s apple and up onto the underside of his chin, tugging lightly at his beard. “… can’t sit still for more than five minutes. We’re going to have to find lots of things for you to do. So you don’t start getting that itch and wind up back doing what you did before.”

Tyler knows she’s worried about it; that he’ll get bored with a ‘normal’ life.  That domesticity and the routines it comes with won’t be enough to keep his hands and his mind busy.  And maybe it will. Maybe one day he’ll wake up and miss what he used to do.  Maybe he will feel that itch to get back into something more exciting and dangerous. But he won’t let himself wander back down that path. There’s just way too much to lose.

“Not going to happen,” he assures her. “I’ll find something. There’s got to be lots to do with fifteen acres. The house doesn’t need work but there’s other things I can find I’m sure.   Something I can get the kid into. It’s going to be hard on him. Twice we’ve uprooted him.”

“First of all, you have to remember that Ovi is not a kid anymore. He’s a man, Tyler. With a girlfriend that is moving in with him. And I know it’s hard to believe and it’s even harder to accept. I have a hard time with it. That he’s not the same Ovi that we brought back here with us. Second, he’s tough. Tougher than anyone gives him credit for. Look at what he went through in Dhaka. He was only fourteen then and that could have easily destroyed him. He stepped up. When you asked him to take the kids and take off. And he managed to keep them and Chloe safe. That is huge. That is a massive step for him, and I don’t know about you, but I’m crazy proud of him and I can’t wait to tell him that.”

“I’m proud of him too.  He’s a good kid. A good man,” he corrects when she looks at him.  “But he’s still Ovi. In my eyes.”

“Well one day Ovi is going to get married and have kids of his own and then what? He’s going to make us grandparents.”

Tyler frowns.

“Sobering thought isn’t it?” she laughs, her hands in his hair -or what’s left of it now-, palms rubbing against it.  “It could happen nine months from now, for all we know.”

“It fucking better not. I don’t want to be a new father and a grandfather at the same time.”

“Especially when you’re going to have so many diapers to change.”

“You mean you’re going to have to grin and bear it when I decorate the nursery. Because it’s a girl.”

“It’s diaper duty for you. It’s a boy. Your track record speaks for itself.  You’ve made three boys since making one girl. Think about it.”

“I have,” he curls an arm around her waist, effortlessly hoisting her on top of him, those soft breasts and those silky curves pressed against him. And he combs his fingers through her hair and kisses her forehead. “It’s a girl.”

“You’re going to be eating some humble pie when we found out otherwise.”

“I’d rather eat something else.”

“I could make us breakfast. Or you could take me out for something.”

He scowls. “I wasn’t talking about actual food.”

“Oh…” she pouts dramatically, eyes widening when she finally comprehends what he really means. “…oh…you mean that.”

“Yeah…” he grabs her by her hips and unceremoniously dumps her onto her back, a grin on his face as his hands rest on her thighs, gently pushing them open.  “…I mean that.”

*****

It’s day three when the kids and Ovi return.  

The afternoon and the evening before had been rough; a lot of anxiety, and near crippling depression accompanied by the guilt he was feeling over leaving the McMann kids’ lives in the hands of rookies. Triggered by a call from Nik that he’d let go to voicemail, followed by a simple text of: WE NEED TO TALK.  And it had come out in the worst possible way: a lot of yelling and aggression and horrible, harsh words directed at the one person who didn’t deserve it.  

Afterwards he’d felt even worse; disgusted with himself for the things he’d said to her. Yet she’d never retaliated; barely raising her voice, never responding with the thousand and one harsh things she could have thrown back at him, the expression on her face remaining stoic and solid.  Yet he’d seen it in her eyes; the hurt he’d caused.  That same look she’d had when he had sent her away with Saju and Ovi.  

He’d apologized profusely, and she’d never pushed him away when he’d reached out to hold her and kiss her and stumble over his words as he tried to take back everything he’d said.  

“This is going to happen,” she’d reasoned; so calm and strong and so willing to help him. “It’s all going to come out. It has to come out.  This is just one of the ways it will.”

It had passed as quickly as it had come on. That calm and gentle way of hers soothing all the guilt and helping chase away the anxiety and take away the edge of the depression. But they’re always there; lingering just under the surface, eating away at him little by little, always threatening to explode and turn him into a monster. It’s his number one fear; that he’d become just like his old man. The job had given him an outlet for all of the hurt and anger that had taken root in him at a young age; constantly being reminded that he was a disappointment and that he’d never amount to anything or every be ‘good enough’, seeing his mother abused in every way possible.  Now that outlet is gone. And while it needed to go, he fears that without it, he’ll turn into the one person he’d vowed he’d never be like.

Nik’s in the passenger seat of Kyle’s truck and Tyler sees the way she watches him; eyes narrowed, creases across her brow, lips set in a firm line. He knows she expects some kind of explanation from him; a reason why he’d just so abruptly walked away.  And maybe he does owe her one. After all, they’ve been friends for a long time, and she’d always trusted him with even the most complex and dangerous of jobs. But he feels nothing when he sees her. No remorse that he’d cut those strings without warning her first, no connection to their friendship or anything sexual that had happened between them years ago.  

“Daddy!” Millie is the first one out of the truck, not even taking her uncle’s offer of a helping hand as she leaps from the back seat and hits the ground running, tears already spilling down her cheeks. And he effortlessly scoops her up onto his arms before she can collide with his legs, a forearm under her bum and a hand on the back of her head; tiny arms curling around his neck. “Daddy…” she sobs, and he can feel those tears through his shirt. “…I knew you’d come home…I knew it…”

“I told you I would,” he presses a kiss to the side of her head, closing his eyes against the threat of his own tears. “I told you I’d come home.”

“I missed you, daddy.  I missed you so bad it made my tummy hurt. And my heart. My heart lots and lots.”

“I missed you, Amelia,” It’s the first time he’s called her that in two years; since she decided she didn’t like her full name and wanted something more ‘fun’ and ‘kid like’.  And he lets the tears come now; not caring who is there to see them. Kyle, Nik. It doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is the little girl clinging to him with all the strength and power she can muster up. “I missed you so much.”

“I don’t want you to go away ever again.  It’s too scary when you go away. I don’t like when you leave. It makes me  sad and I worry that I’ll never see you again.”

“I’m not going away ever again. There’s no more going away. I’m home now. For good. You don’t have to worry about me going away ever again.”

“Promise?” she sniffles and pulls back to look at him.  “Promise you’ll never…ever…ever…go away again.”

“I promise.”

She holds his face in her hands. “You have ouchies again.”

“Nothing serious. And they’re going away. There’ll be no more ouchies again either. Ever.”

“Ever?”

He nods.

“I like your hair,” she says as an afterthought, giggling as she rubs her palms against it.  “It feels funny. Why are you crying?”

“Happy crying,” he assures her, as little fingers work at clearing the droplets away. “Happy tears.”

“Daddy!” the twins cry in unison, and he moves Millie over onto his hip and crouches down as the boys come flying towards him; one arm reaching out to gather both of them into his embrace, pulling them tight against him. Once more letting those tears flow. It’s the longest he’s ever been away; two weeks was the record before.  But it’s been nearly four. An entire month away from his kids.  Nearly thirty days of not seeing them face to face. Of not reading bedtime stories and tucking them in. Of not being able to even hug them.  

“Your hair is so cool!” TJ exclaims, as rubs his hands along his father’s head. He’s a tough kid; hiding a big, sensitive heart underneath a hard exterior.  Tanner is the sensitive one; an old soul stuck in a little boy. And he holds onto his dad with all the strength inside of him; his face buried in the side of Tyler’s neck as he sobs, that small body shaking with the force it.

“It’s alright, mate,” Tyler kisses the side of his son’s head, rubs his back soothingly. “It’s alright now.”

“I was so scared,” Tanner’s voice is muffled against his father’s neck. “That I’d never see you again.”

“I told you I’d be home. That nothing could stop me from getting back to you guys. That there was no one out there that could keep me from you.”

“I missed you so much, daddy. I’m glad you’re home. Don’t go away again, okay? I don’t want you to away again.”

“I won’t,” he promises, and runs a hand over Tanner’s hair. “I won’t go away ever again. Why don’t you guys go and see mommy? I’ll be inside in a little bit, okay?”

He gets more hugs and kisses, and then all three run off; their footsteps loud on the wooden porch stairs as they make a made a dash for the front door.

“Look at this guy,” Kyle says, a broad grin on his face as he holds onto one of Declan’s hand, the baby strong on his legs, gait slightly wobbly. Eleven months old and already meeting such a huge milestone; a proud smile on his little face, blue eyes sparkling. “Just happened over night Esme said.”

It takes Tyler by surprise. And makes that month seem like it had lasted even longer. When he’d left that night, Declan was just learning how to pull himself up to a stand using the railing on his crib or the edge of the couch or someone’s legs. Now here he was, so close to walking on his own.  And that emotion chokes at him once more as he gives a “look at you, mate, look at you” and then holds his hand out for his son to grab onto.  Little fingers tightly grabbing onto one of his; confident that his dad won’t let him fall.

“She wanted it to be surprise,” Kyle says, as Tyler scoops Declan into his arms and stands up, running his fingers through that thick strawberry blond hair and peppering tiny cheeks with kisses. “She told me not to say anything.”

“Feels like I’ve been gone forever. I had a baby when I left and now, I have a toddler. It’s…surreal.”

Kyle nods in agreement.  

“Thank you. For taking them. For giving Esme and I some time alone. We needed it. There were things we needed to talk about it. Without little ears around.”

“Nothing I wouldn’t do for my kid sister.  Or you. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, and I said some things I shouldn’t have the other day. About what you do and how you handled things.  But I know you love my sister. I can see that. In the same way I know you love your kids. I was just worried about her. That’s all. I know you can understand that.”

Tyler nods.  

“But it wasn’t personal. Against you. It was just the situation. I just wanted you to know that. I was important to me that you know that.”

“I’d never do anything to hurt your sister. Ever. And it’s important to me that you know that. So…” he switches Declan from one hip to the other. “…you and Nik, huh?”

Kyle nods.

“You guys can come in if you want. Stay for dinner. We have tons of food and I know how much you like to get on the grill.”

Kyle rubs at the back of his head. “You think that’s a good idea? I mean, Esme and Nik don’t actually get along and my sister did say you wanted to put everything behind you. I just assumed that means everyone, too.”

“It does.  Which is why I think you guys need to come in. Might be the last time we ever all get a chance to be together. We’ll be leaving soon, so…”

“I just don’t want it to be awkward.”

“I promise I won’t let Esme throw down with Nik. I can’t let my pregnant wife beat the hell out of someone. Even though she’s probably fully capable of doing it. Besides, I think there’s some things that need to be said. Before I can actually move on. So humour me, yeah?”

“And you promise no cat fights? As entertaining as it might be?

“I promise,” Tyler grins and then turns to towards the house. “Just a heads up though, if you want beer, better go and get your own. We don’t do that here anymore.”

****

“There’s some things I need to say,” Tyler begins, as he and Nik sit on the top step of the back deck; watching as Kyle and Ovi entertains the oldest kids in the pool, Esme in the house putting the baby down for a nap. “And I need you to just keep quiet and let me say them.”

She blinks at the tone of his voice; quiet, all business. Then nods for him to continue.

“I don’t owe you anything, Nik. I’ve given you enough over the years, especially over the past five and a half. I let you come between me and my family.  I let you get into my head and convince me that I couldn’t properly take care of them and provide for them without doing the job.  That it somehow made me a lesser man because I wasn’t out there killing people. And if I’d been even half the man I was before Dhaka, I never would have let any of that happen. I would have told you to go fuck yourself and you know that.”

She nods.

“But I realize that I can’t move on if I don’t give you an explanation.  Because I need to let go of the past and if I don’t saythe things I need to, it’ll bug me for the rest of my life. I’ll never be able to rest…truly rest…if I don’t let it all go.  I’m done, Nik. With everything.  I’m done with that life. With the job. With everything and everyone that comes with it. I realized I wasn’t the guy who could get those kids out. Not with where my brain is. I was more of a danger to them than anything else. Because I wouldn’t have been able to focus or get my head on straight and that would have been a total disaster and you know it.”

“I do,” she agrees.

“I’m not in a good place. Mentally. I haven’t been in a good place in a long time. And I should have walked away when Esme had the twins and Tanner was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was going to make it or not. That should have been the end. I should have told you to fuck off as soon as you called me.  He was a week old and we didn’t even know if he was going make it to two weeks and I let you suck me right back in. I abandoned my wife when she needed me the most.  I abandoned my son. Who could have died. And you know what’s worse? You knew how bad things were and you knew they needed me, and you still didn’t leave me alone.”

“Tyler, I…”

“You never could leave me alone. You just kept coming back and calling me and text me and emailing me. You didn’t give a shit that my baby was in the hospital and might not even make it. You didn’t give a shit that Esme needed me. You knew I wouldn’t say no. As soon as you pulled that ‘you need the money to take care of them properly’ bullshit. You knew that that’s what would get me back out there. Whether it would kill me or not. How fucking dare you? How fucking dare you disrespect my wife and my kids like that. Put that shit in my head and take me away from them.”

“I never meant to…”

“I’m done.  For good. I can’t do that life anymore. I don’t want to be that person any longer. I want to be a husband. I want to be a father. Those are the only two things that matter now. And I want you to accept that. After tonight, I want you to walk away and forget you ever knew me. Lose my phone number. Lose my email. Pretend I never existed. He’s gone, Nik. That Tyler’s gone and he’s never coming back. No matter how hard you try.”

“And you’ll be happy? Not being that Tyler anymore?”

“I just want to be normal. I want to wake up every morning beside the love of my life.  I want to make my kids breakfast and take them to school.  I want to watch them grow up. See them get married and have babies of their own. I want to grow old alongside of my wife. That’s the life I want. That’s the Tyler I want to be. And you need to accept that.  I’m done, Nik. We’re done.”

“And when you get bored…?” she presses.

“I’m done,” he forcibly stresses. “This is it. When you walk out of here tonight, I don’t want you contacting me ever again. And I don’t just mean for the job, either. Don’t sit there and pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about. That you haven’t spent the last five and a half years trying to get me to cheat on my wife.”

She shifts uncomfortably beside him.

“I don’t care what happened between us in the past. It was never going to be what you wanted it to be. I told you that right from the beginning. What I have with Esme? We were never going to have that, Nik. I never wanted that with you. I never wanted it at all. Until I met Esme. And I’m sorry if you can’t handle hearing that. But it’s the truth. And I’m sorry if you feel that I used you or lead you on, because that was not my intention. We were in agreement; it was just sex.”

“It was,” she says. “Until it wasn’t.”

“Until it wasn’t for you, you mean. Because that’s all it was for me. And I know what you think; you think I only asked Esme to marry me because she found out she was pregnant with Millie. But that’s not what happened. I was in love with her.  I wanted to be with her. And our kid.  I didn’t marry her because I felt obligated to do it. I married her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And if you can’t get that through your head…” he shrugs. “…I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“Tyler…” she reaches for her, attempting to lay a hand on his thigh.

“Don’t,” he warns, and moves away. “Just don’t. My kids are here. My wife is right inside. Just don’t.”

She holds her hands up in surrender.

“You need to leave me alone.  You need to stop trying to come between Esme and me. I’m never going to cheat on her. Ever. She’s the only woman I want to be with. And you’ve got a good guy there,” he nods in Kyle’s direction. “He’s a really good guy and you need to give him a chance. Let yourself be happy for once, Nik”

“It’s hard,” she sighs. “Letting go. I get the feeling this will be the last time we ever see each other. The last time I ever talk to you.”

He gives a small smile. “That’s the plan.”

******

“You know what the first thing is we need to buy when we get to Australia?” Esme asks hours, her voice barely above a whisper.  

Tyler looks over at her; loving the way the moonlight bathes her smooth skin in almost silvery glow. “What’s that?”

“A bigger bed.”

He chuckles and looks down at the tiny bodies curled up contently beside him. And on top of him.  Tanner fast asleep on his stomach; stretched out along his father’s torso with his head tucked under his chin.  Millie tucked under one arm and TJ under the other, his hands on their backs and their faces pressed into his ribs.  Declan still awake; sitting between his parents, gently grabbing and yanking at a complacent Mac’s fur as the dog rests in front of him.  The kids had insisted on sleeping in the ‘big bed’; not wanting to be away from their dad for a single moment. Scared that they’d open their eyes and he’d be gone again.

“One of those double king-sized ones,” she muses. “Or maybe one that takes up half the room. That can be your first project. You can build it.”

He nods. “I could do that. Where do we find a mattress to fit it?”

“I’m sure there’s a place in Australia we could find them at. Or we can just look on the internet. You can buy everything on the internet. And you know what the best thing about having a bed that big would be?”

“I do not want the kids sleeping with us for the next eighteen years, so if that’s what you’re going to say…”

“Actually…” she reaches out to rub the top of his head. “…I was going to say that I love having a large playground.”

He grins and gives her a wink.

“Nik seemed to be in a mood when her and Kyle left,” she says, as she attempts to wrangle Declan onto his back. “What did you do? Turn down a blow job?”

“Why do I need any from her when I get enough from you?”

“Maybe you like variety, I don’t know.”

“The only one I want to be getting blow jobs from is you, so…” he lays a hand on the small of her back. “…stop.”

“You must have done something. Or said something. She looked like she was ready to throat punch you. Ughhh, child…” she groans, as Declan gets up into a sit once more.  “….do you have to be so stubborn? Do you have to be so much like your father?”

“You say it like it’s bad thing,”

“Sometimes it is. Sometimes he does things that make me want to drink. Like right now,” she sits up and scoops the baby up into her arms, settling him against her chest; one arm under his head, the other supporting his legs. “And he’s so long and he’s so solid, oh my god.”

“He’s going to be a tank. Probably taller than me. And heavier. You never told me. That he was walking. I mean, not on his own, but with help.”

“I wanted it to be a surprised. There’s been so much bad things happened that I wanted there to be something good for you when you got home.”

He smiles and runs his hand up her back, gently squeezing her shoulder.  “Thank you.”

She merely winks at him in response.

“You’re a pretty good wife, you know that?  I could spend the next forty years with you. Easily.”

“Yeah?” she grins. “Well I think I can handle a life sentence with the likes of you.”

He smiles, then trails his fingertips down her arm and over her wrist, taking her hand in his hand. “You won’t have to worry about Nik anymore,” he says. “I handled it.”

“You mean just about the job or….”

“About the job. And us. I told her she’s been trying to screw things up for five and a half years and I was tired of it. That whatever she wants from me is never going to happen. That I just want to be a husband and a father. That’s what I want to do with my life. Be with you and the kids. And if that’s all I do for the next forty or fifty years, then so be it. I’ll die a happy man.”

She raises their join hands to her lips and presses a kiss to the top of his life. “You’re a good man, Tyler Rake.”

“Yeah?” he tightens his hold on her hand. “Only because you make me want to be.”

[packsbeforesnacks]

Little Lion Man || Kaden & Winn (feat. Ricky)

TIMING: Friday, July 17th, 2020, Midday LOCATION: Ricky Cordero’s Workshop, Harris Island PARTIES: @chasseurdeloup​ & @packsbeforesnacks​ (feat. @ricky-corderbro​) SUMMARY: Winn confronts an old enemy. Kaden regrets having friends. WARNINGS: None.

Winn had come up with some piss-poor ideas in his life, but meetin’ with Kaden fuckin’ Langley easily made it into the Top Five. Ricky, for his part, seemed to know exactly how bad an idea it was, offering up his workshop as neutral ground. While Winn wouldn’t be a problem — he couldn’t shift right now, even if he wanted to — there was no way to know how Kaden would react. Would Kaden respect the selkie enough to not cut Winn open on the floor? Hopefully! Was it foolish to hope that Kaden wouldn’t be able to sense the wolf? Probably! That part of him wasn’t gone. Just hidden away, somehow. The Full Moon had been the last time Winn had really felt that part of himself, his ‘wolf’ fading more ever since he’d spoken to Mercy. Winn hadn’t slept either, not since he’d touched the raven, not since Mercy had told him what he’d done. Truth is? He was terrified that he’d fall asleep, and that person would come back. All of it, together, was enough to drive a wolf-man insane. Sighing, Winn knocked on the door to Ricky’s workshop. No turnin’ back.

Kaden had no clue why Ricky had asked him over. Just said someone wanted to talk to him. Whatever weird tenuous friendship he had with the selkie, it was enough for him to show up to the guy’s workshop. No doubt Ricky had pulled a Regan and lied about the meetup time, told him to be there something like a half hour earlier than he needed to. So far he was doing nothing more than sitting in the corner, just throwing his knife in the air and catching it again and again as he waited. “This better be worth my time, Sneezly.” Ricky had all but ignored him and kept on working on something or other while Kaden practically pouted in the corner. He had no idea what half of the stuff was in here, but it was all well made, he could tell the craftsmanship was second to none. Not that he’d ever fucking say it outloud. Kaden perked up at the sound of footsteps by the door, heard them before the knock. Fucking finally. When the other guy walked in, Kaden tensed. He felt the tingle down his spine before he even saw who was there. He didn’t know who it was yet, couldn’t see, but he knew they were a fucking werewolf.

It’d been all of thirty minutes and Ricky was already regretting his involvement in this whole debacle. Kaden was lounging in the corner, tossing a knife in the air and sassing his way through the morning, and it didn’t help Ricky’s ability to focus on the project at hand. “Oh fucking shove it, Frenchie. You didn’t have shit else to do but sit here and drink my fancy coffee and annoy me while I’m trying to get work done.” He gestured to the very nice coffee tray he’d brought out, complete with some pastries he’d swung into town to pick up at Candy House earlier in the day. Taking a drink of his own coffee, he bent over the lid to one of the specialty coffins he’d been commissioned to make, frequently glancing back at the reference photos and incredibly detailed schematics he’d been up all night working on. He’d barely managed to start on one of the pictographic corners when there was a knock on the door and Winn came through. “Coffee on the table over there.” He gestured with one hand, before finishing the small symbol and looking up, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Aight. Please remember that you both are standing in a room that represents my entire livelihood. If you get in a fight in here and wreck shit you directly impact my ability to support myself. Which is why we’re in here. Everyone loves some guilt tripping incentive.”

Ricky reached under the table he was sitting in front of and pulled out a small hatchet, thunking it down. “We all went to summer camp, I’m sure yours involved murdering things and being deprived of normal childhood experiences, K. This functions along the same lines as a talking stick. Except this is the no talking stick. If you’re a dick or keep interrupting I’m going to hit you with the no talking stick. I don’t know if you can heal a detached finger. But we can find out together. Have some coffee and pastries. Be adults. Etc., etc. Go.” Bending back to his work he resumed carving, hoping that by some miracle he wouldn’t have to clean a dead body out of his workspace.

Well, this was awkward. Winn sat there for a second, unsure what to say. He had questions, but it seemed rude to lead with them. Really, had he and Kaden ever, like, actually met? I mean, he’d seen Kaden at the cookout, knew things about him from Blanche and Ariana, but this was — had to be — their first time… bein’ alone(ish) in a room together. Winn settled for standing up, walking over to Kaden in the corner, with as little tension in his form as he could manage, and holding out his hand. “I’m Winn Woods. It’s, um, nice to meet you. Thank you for comin’.”

Kaden had been sitting in the corner, arms folded across his chest as he waited for the werewolf to enter the building. It was a damn good thing for the wolf, whoever he was, that somewhere along the line Kaden had found some odd respect for Ricky. He wasn’t sure where the fuck it had come from, but he knew it was there simply because had they been anywhere else, Kaden might have considered decking the guy for even thinking about trying this little sit down right before getting up and walking away. Instead he paused, arms still crossed a moment, He held back the eyeroll that he wanted to unleash and put out his hand. He felt the hair on his arms stand on edge as he shook the werewolf’s hand reluctantly. “Kaden. But I guess you already knew that.” His teeth ground together a moment as his jaw clenched, arms returning right back to where they were before. “So what the hell is this about?” If this was some little ‘let my werewolves go speech’ or some attempt at intervention, he was out of here. And Ricky would be getting an earful later.

Winn couldn’t entirely mask the surprise on his face when Kaden took his hand, eyes a little wide. “We have mutual friends,” he tried, going the simplest route. Winn got the distinct feeling bringing up Blanche, or, worse, Regan, wouldn’t be the best idea, right now. “Including Ricky.” He returned to his seat, chewing and swallowing a bite of a chocolate croissant (maybe his allergy had disappeared with the wolf?) and sipping his coffee. “I, um,” there wasn’t a way to say this that wouldn’t bring up questions Winn wanted to avoid, “was hoping to ask you about… hunting, actually.” Not wanting to let Kaden make any assumption, he talked quickly, holding up one finger while he finished. “I have friends who are hunters, I wouldn’t abuse Ricky’s trust like that, I’m really tryin’ hard to just understand. I really, really don’t have any other motives here. Just… I want to know more about it.” He lowered his hand, biting at his lip and trying to keep steady eye contact.

Kaden didn’t love hearing that he had anything in common with a werewolf, especially not friends. He worried for his friend’s safety in this town far too often as it was. And given how little those friends seem to believe him about the dangers of werewolves, it concerned him even more. Still he nodded in acknowledgement. His coffee was left untouched for now. He couldn’t manage to feel comfortable enough to sit and drink and eat. Not while he could only focus on what was sitting in a room with him. His brow arched at Winn’s proposition. It felt like a trap. Like another way to sit and tell him why everything he did was wrong. He looked over at Ricky for any indication that he knew what this was going to be about but the selkie was just working away. Maybe this was genuine curiosity after all. He still didn’t trust it. “If you have other hunter friends, why not ask them?” he said curtly. “Hoping I’ll say something different?” Even without looking over at Ricky, he could feel the presence of the “no-talking” hatchet and figured he had to cooperate as long as he was here. With a small groan, he dropped his shoulders and tried to be a little less defensive. “Fine. What about it?”

Good question, Kaden. Why wasn’t he askin’ his friends? Winn opted, again, for honesty. “It’s because they’re my friends. I don’t want someone to sugarcoat their answers ‘cause they want to protect my feelings. And with you… We might have friends in common, but we’re not friends.” Was it too much to add yet to that? Probably. Winn took another swig of his coffee and rolled his neck, settling in for what was going to be, he assumed, an unfun conversation. Noticing the shift in Kaden’s body language, Winn tried to be as open as he possibly could. No danger, no threat. Just curiosity. He could only hope Kaden got the message. Where to start? Oddly, given that Kaden had literally put a crossbow bolt in his shoulder, Winn trusted the man. Trusted him to look out for humans, knew he hadn’t hurt Ariana or Layla. He knew that Kaden wasn’t… well, soft wasn’t how Winn would describe it, but Kaden was a far cry from Juliet — or even Adam. But. He wasn’t Gotch, either, or the hunters who attacked Ariana. Winn sighed. Maybe that was a decent place to start? “Hunters have Codes, right? I know they’re all different, family to family or whatever, but what’s, y’know, your Code? Personally now, or what you were reared on, or both. Actually, yeah, both?”

“Got that right,” Kaden muttered under his breath. Shit. That’s right. There was a chance Ricky may not have heard it, shitty selkie hearing, but there was no way the wolf across from him did. Sometimes he forgot that he wasn’t the only one with enhanced hearing. Oh well. He didn’t care much if he hurt this wolf’s feelings or not. Suppose that’s what he wanted anyway. Perhaps this wasn’t a completely misguided endeavor. He took a deep breath and held it in. Explaining his code wasn’t something he loved doing. Partially because it was hardly ever well met. It was exhausting. Felt like a waste of breath. That wasn’t his hesitation now. Now it was a matter of what the fuck his code was. He spent so long talking to Theo and Celeste about writing his own codes. But he still hasn’t figured it all out.

Okay. Easiest place to start was the Langley codes, what his family taught him. He could go from there. “You really want to know. Alright. What I was raised with. Langley family code states that nothing supernatural should live.” Funny, he didn’t expect that to send a pit in his stomach. Then he caught a glimpse of Ricky out of the corner of his eye. Shit. It was harder to spit it out knowing that, if he was following said code, his friend wouldn't be sitting there. He fucking hated this already. “Basic idea is that supernatural creatures are dangerous. And even the ones that don’t kill humans are like magnets for the rest. The world would be better without supernatural interference and humans would be safer. So hunters evolved to help protect humanity. And that’s our code. To help humanity.” Regurgitating what he was taught since he was a child was easy enough. What did he believe himself? A much harder question. “As for me. Now. I don’t know. I guess I’ve made exceptions. But I’m not about to walk away from hunting. Werewolves are still dangerous. Especially on the full moon. People aren’t going to stop dying at the hands of werewolves just because you all made a couple human friends. It’s not about to suddenly give you control or make you roll over like puppies.”

Winn barely knew Kaden, but the Langley family code sounded… draconian. Kaden was datin’ Regan, though, right? No way he didn’t know that she was fae. Between his drunken rambling, Blanche’s confirmation, and Winn’s own interactions with the good doctor, Winn was sure that Regan wouldn’t be able to keep it from Kaden. “That’s heavy,” Winn settled on, looking over at Ricky and making a soft sound in the back of his throat. He continued listening. “I, uh,” Kaden likely didn’t give a shit what he thought, but, “It’s fine not to know, I think.” Winn shrugged. “That means you’re tryin’ to figure shit out for yourself. That’s admirable, man. Honest.” Winn cocked his head to the side, staring at the hunter. “And, truth be told? I wouldn’t want you to walk away from huntin’, if I had a say in it. You’re right. Folks die ‘cause of werewolves. I’d like to think it’s all ‘bad’ werewolves, but I’m not naive. We’re all different, some of us aren’t cautious, some of us aren’t able to control the wolf any time, not just the full moon.” Winn leaned forward, hands clasped. “Like, if I was ‘bout to hurt a human, a werewolf, another supernatural… I mean, I’d hope y’all could stop me without puttin’ me down permanently. But we don’t all have the luxury of a decision, when it comes down to it.”

“I’m… ha, is it weird to say I’m glad to hear all that?” Winn looked at the floor, wringing his hands. “As much as we’re not all innocent, the same is true in reverse.” He decided to leave it at that, knowin’ Kaden didn’t need a big lecture from him on werewolves bein’ people. And ‘sides, Winn had somethin’ else he wanted to ask. Only problem was how to phrase it. “There are folks out there, though. Hunters that I’m not even just scared of. Kinds that I hate. And there are folks who aren’t even hunters, who just know there’s a market for werewolf… everything. And they don’t wait till the full moon, neither.” Winn stood, pulling his shirt over his head and turning around. It had faded, with time and werewolf healin’. But somethin’ done on a new moon… Well, he was still human. Sometimes, in some ways. “2015. I was sleepin’, next to someone who’d gone after me, knowin’ what I was. But I didn’t know that. I let him in, into my home, with my friends. Before dawn, mornin’ of the new moon, he drove a silver dagger into my back. Then went after the others.” Winn pulled his shirt back on, sitting down, looking older than his years. “What would you have done?”

Kaden had braced himself for the standard response that every supernatural or every bleeding heart gave. Only it didn’t come. His brow furrowed and he tried his best to wipe his confusion off his face, keep it neutral. But every sentence just, it didn't add up. He had anticipated being combated, fought with, he planned to be bearing white knuckles as he tried to be respectful of his friend and his workspace. “Right. Good to know some of you are reasonable.” That was all he could really manage to process of that. It was too confusing having a werewolf call his views admirable. Didn’t add up.

His arms were still crossed in front of his chest as the conversation continued. He sat still and listened to what was coming next. Waited for the other shoe to drop. And there it was. Not all hunters are innocent. The tirade didn’t drop, though. Not yet, at least. Kaden wasn’t unaware of the less than favorable hunters out there, but something about disowning them to a werewolf just wasn’t the same. Like talking poorly about family. It was one thing when he said it, when he disparaged trophy hunters and those like Montgomery, it sat a little different coming from a werewolf. Still, he sat there, cold stare on his face while the wolf took off his shirt. Alright, he did roll his eyes when that happened but all the same. His gaze steeled again at his question. “What, if I were a wolf? Or if it were reversed or…” He trailed off and let out a strained sigh. “I don’t know.” Kaden wanted with everything inside of him to say he wouldn’t retaliate or defend himself. That he would never murder someone. He wasn’t sure he could. The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He chewed the inside of his lip a moment and looked back over to his coffee a moment, sitting there getting cold, untouched. “Might defend myself. I don’t know. Why are you asking?”

This was where it got tricky. Winn winced at Kaden’s question, truly not sure how to approach this. It was hard when he didn’t remember. But, he supposed, it didn’t matter that he didn’t remember. “I’m not askin’ ‘cause I think self-defense is wrong.” In fact, it was a thing Winn had forgiven himself for, largely. But… a thing he knew, now, had only been the beginning of somethin’ that he didn’t know how to process, what to think about. “Defend yourself or don’t. I think that depends on the person. But, I don’t think anyone wants to die.” Ha. Ironic. Super ironic. He swigged the rest of his coffee, buying himself time to compose himself. “It changed me, that… betrayal. You said your family raised you to think nothing supernatural should live. I— For a while, I thought all hunters were like that, that all hunters… y’know, would kill without even givin’ us the benefit of the doubt. That resentment, that anger, it built in me. Until I let it out.” There was no reason to go into the gory details. “I don’t remember it. But I got a rude awakenin’. Don’t need forgiveness, don’t expect it. But, um,” he sighed, “I’m gonna be gone, maybe, by Monday. Gone as in… gone-gone. Dead. I guess I wanted… I don’t know what I wanted, but I thought… I wanted someone to know. Someone who could do better, for the both of us.” He sighed. “You prolly don’t want to be, I dunno, the bearer of a legacy, ‘specially not mine. But if I could… I don’t know. Don’t want anyone to have to go through all that, just to realize that shit’s… complicated,” Winn finished, lamely. He waited for Kaden to say something, to pass judgment.

Hearing the wolf nearly confess outright to murdering hunters made Kaden bristle. It was hard not to. Hard not to see the clear image of his parent’s mangled bodies at the mention alone. He could feel his fingernails digging into his palm again, his teeth gritting together. “Good, cause you’re not getting it,” he couldn’t help but snap at the word forgiveness. He could feel the judgment from the seal across the room, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t something he could offer anymore than he could be upset about hearing there would be one less werewolf in the world. Circumstances didn’t fucking matter to him. Less werewolves? Only a good thing. “Legacy?” He huffed. “What do you know about legacy? I got enough of that without your help.” Maybe it was because he’d dragged up his hunter’s code earlier that he was on edge. He felt like he was failing at upholding his family’s legacy the longer he sat here. It made his skin crawl, he wanted to wriggle out of it, make the feelings of failure die down. He wondered if this werewolf wanted to be someone else some days as much as he did. “Look, I don’t know what you want from me. But are we done here? Did you confess your sins now? Feel better?”

Winn had trained as a counselor, could see the tell-tale signs of… something, buildin’ in Kaden. Honestly, the man was takin’ the almost-a-murder-confession better than Winn had expected. Ricky, for his part, was still workin’ resolutely on his project, but, then, Winn knew Ricky’s feelings on hunters — complex, to say the least, despite his apparent friendship with that-hunter-what-who’d-shot-him. “I… want you to be resolute, in whatever your path is. I want you to go into it with a clear head, I want you to think ‘bout what you wanna be, who you wanna be. I fucked up. Might kill me. Doesn’t need to end up killin’ you. I want you to— I dunno, make sure when you go out on the Moon, make sure you’re doin’ it for reasons that you can live by.” Winn felt his posture go slightly defensive, as if thinking Kaden might pull out the crossbow again and shoot him in plain sight of Ricky. “You shot me, on a full moon once. Silver crossbow bolt, right into my shoulder. I was drunk, and high, and I don’t think I was a danger to anyone other than myself, stumblin’ through those woods. Hell, my best plan to escape you was ‘drop a tree on him.’” Winn laughed, without humor. “It was close to dawn. If you’d caught up to me, naked and still-drunk and scared, what would you have done, Kaden? I don’t need an answer, but you need to have that answer for yourself. I don’t feel better. I won’t. If I live, I’ll spend the rest of my life makin’ up for that, helpin’ people others won’t, people who don’t think they deserve it.” He gave a soft smile. “This is the beginning. Or the end. Ask me Monday.”

Kaden grit his teeth as this werewolf told him what he wanted for the hunter’s life. Who the fuck was he to dictate all that. And why did he even give a shit? “That’s great. I’m glad you care or whatever but like you said before, we’re not friends.” Still, he shifted a little in his seat at the words. He hated that any of them resonated at all. There was no way he could know. Fuck that. Kaden wasn’t some open book to read and even if he was, he hadn’t invited this. He just agreed to this as a favor to Ricky, not this Winn guy. Where did he get off telling Kaden about himself like he knew him at all? As the wolf displayed his scar, the only thing that ran through his mind was: Shame I didn’t kill you. A wave of guilt ran through him that he didn’t expect, almost like he’d said it aloud, like Ricky could hear him and was judging him further. No, he was imagining that, surely. And why the fuck did he care anyway? He was a hunter. Shooting werewolves was his job. Killing them even more so. So there was no need to feel guilt looking at the scar, taking in the wolf’s words, contemplating his scenario. Right? “I—” he started, but thought better of it. No. He didn’t owe anyone a fucking explanation. “It doesn’t matter what I would have done. That’s not what happened. So save your guilt trip.”

This wasn’t going anywhere. Not anywhere he liked at least. He didn’t need to sit here dealing with this. He’d done what he said he would. He showed up. He listened. There was no punching or destruction. “Whatever it is, I don’t care. And this is the end of this conversation.” Kaden stood up, feeling a little bad that the coffee was wasted. And so was Ricky’s time and patience. “If this was some sneak attempt at an intervention, seal boy, you can keep it.” Sure, he had a feeling Ricky had shit all to do with this crap, just agreed to host and nothing more. But it would have made more sense to him if that was the end goal than whatever it was Winn was looking for. A werewolf he didn’t know, a werewolf he shot claiming to look out for a hunter’s interests or morals or whatever it really was? That was unfathomable. And he refused to listen to it.

[sometimeinjoon]

Greedy

2.3k

Jin touched you with such carefulness it could only be translated as guilt. That he has been so selfish to ask you to stay as long as you have when both of you knew it would hurt you.

Yet, he loved you with such fiery intensity it could only mean death, and that he was every synonym of sincere. Loving Jin was chaos, but it was good chaos. An evil you rejoice in partaking in. You loved him. Loved him with such intensity it literally burns you skin and runs your mouth dry. You will evaporate when he kisses you but he still dances his lips around yours dangerously close. Because Seokjin had always been reckless. Seokjin had always contested what was set.

Seokjin will always be reckless. If it meant staying with you just a little bit longer.

Tonight, he’s at the far end of the couch, just looking at you. Relishing in the way your skin glowed in the light of the TV. Relishing in the way your eyes always looked so glassy. Relishing in you. The you he had never been able to touch the way he wanted to.

He’s careful when he reaches out for your hand, and it startles you when your skin touches, but it’s a burn you’re familiar with. The touch is nothing damaging, just discomfort that no longer causes panic. Over time, you’ve realized this connnection is okay. Feather light caresses and brushes. You’ve settled for this, but there’s a distance between you that you’ve always wanted to close. On some days, you want to hug him. At whatever expense.

Thinking about doing these things, these normal things, tugs at a place that had been tormented for a long while now. Your lower lip quivers, but you don’t want to show him that. You try to mask whatever pain begins to fall down on you before the dam breaks and Jin finds out what you’re actually feeling.

Shortly after you started biting your lip to quit it from shaking, it begins to rain outside and Jin wants to scream. At you. At what you are.

And he doesn’t mean your entirety. Because he’s absolutely in love with you. Absolutely in love with every crevice, every curve, every part he has seen, every part he has touched, every part that he hasn’t. You are the love of his life. The one person that has tamed the demons in his blood. The one person that makes them want to dress up for dinner. The one person that he found has tamed him. Wild old Seokjin, hasty old Seokjin. Gone. Now he’s careful. Purposeful.

But you, the unfortunate thing you are.

A child of rain, somehow destined to be in love with a prince of fire.

“What are you feeling?” he has the guts to ask. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. You were going to flood the world with the sudden downpour.

“Just sad,” you lie and he nods like he buys it. It’s not like he can help.

It’s Jin’s turn to show what he’s feeling, as his cheeks flush a bright pink in almost an instant. The way he was looking at you made you assume that he’s sad about the same thing too, but actually, he’s furious at this point. Furious at the distance you can never seem to overcome. At this. The sight of you an arm’s length away and that being that. You being an arm’s length away. Always being a little too far away.

Jin takes one good look at the window behind you and begins to lean in. Your skin starts to hiss but you don’t pull away.

“Just once. I want to feel this just once.”

Jin had always been selfish. He knew that. And Jin had been every single variation of selfish there is. Avaricious, when he had wanted to hoard riches at the dawn of his earthly life. Narcissistic, when he had been obsessed with himself once his ego ballooned a while back. Covetous, when he had looked at your previous lovers with disdain and had wanted you as his own. Although tonight, he’s plain greedy. Wanting more than what is needed. Because there never needed to be anything more than the subtle touches. It was enough for a long while. He knew you loved him, and that he loved you. It was enough.

But who was he kidding? It was never enough. It couldn’t have been. Not with the intensity the flame inside his heart burned at. Not with the way you looked at him like it wasn’t enough for you too.

Truth be told, this wasn’t going to hurt him. And without any hesitation, had he been in front of someone else entirely, he would have kissed them until they were dry. Fucked them until they were vapor. He’d done it so many times before. Being children of rain, you were reborn with precipitation, dropped off onto the earth in the eye of a storm. Albeit a clean slate, no memories, no traces of death, but at least alive once more. You cannot extinguish princes of fire. That’s why he’d always been so bold, so rash. He was virtually invincible.

Though, he couldn’t bring himself to just ease his pain and longing because it meant losing you. And losing you, if he were honest, was not losing much. You haven’t done much. You haven’t done anything at all. Whatever intimacy was just a brief moment, ended with a flinch, a scowl, a cry of pain. One time he kissed your cheek and you cried, but you were smiling. It was murdering you in the sweetest way possible, and you weren’t being given a lot. Death by love should be fiery, ferocious, hungry. Insane passion, breathlessness, sent off with a kiss before disappearing into the air. But this, this was underwhelming, and it wasn’t fair. Never hugged. Never walked hand in hand. Never kissed.

Until this moment.

His lips were scorching hot, but you took it. You took it to the best of your ability. You toughed it out because you were sure his lips felt like everything people felt when they felt love. It hurt but it was a good hurt. Because it was hurt you’ve always wished for. Hurt you would endure, again and again and again.

The storm brewing outside intensifies, claps of thunder coming up every once in a while. When Jin pulled away, you were crying. There was something so graceful about how your tears flowed down your face, and it was sadistic of him to think that it was.

“Just once,” Jin tries to console you. “I promise it was just once.”

“You make it sound so sweet when you lie to me.”

“I promise.”

“You’re in love with me, right?”

Jin nods, without reluctance, without missing a second.

“Good,” is all you say, before you grab him by the collar and kiss him even harder than he’s kissed you.

There’s a sizzling sound barely audible in the room because your hearts beat in your ears the loudest they’ve ever had. The room starts to cloud with steam and Jin wants to pull away, he really does, but he doesn’t want to stop the fireworks in his stomach.

You both pull apart for breath and Jin takes a look around at the mess he was creating, the mess he was turning you into, and his head drops to his hands. There’s no way around this. No way around loving someone like you.

“At least make me the one you remember, Jin.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I evaporate, I don’t want the thoughts about me in your head to go disappear with me.”

“I would never—“

“You should.”

And he does. He rips his shirt off of his body and comes back in to kiss you. Comes back in to savor in this moment because it’s not going to happen again. He’s always haste, always not cautious when it comes to sex, but when it came to you, he was godly in his restraint. To make whatever tentative sliver of your skin he could touch without hurting you stretch, last until he’s just about sure he’s sent every part of you back to the sky in the longest amount of time possible.

His kisses are hot, slow, with a delicious burn when he goes down your neck, to the hem of your shirt. He pulls it down for a second before he’s tugging it off of your chest. He’s taking him time. Because there is no time. Once he rushes, it’s gone too soon.

You both knew you would be gone too soon no matter how long you draw this out.  

Before he takes off your pants he asks you to wait a second and he leaves. Leaves for about 5 minutes before he’s back in the living room, sopping wet and smiling like the idiot he is.

“Come.”

You follow.

He leads you out into the rain, into the deck that’s looking gaudy illuminated with the garden lights. The pool water sways, a little overflowing at the sides. The hum of the rain was silent. Jin thanked his lucky stars it hasn’t stopped quite yet. In his head you were no longer upset, and you weren’t, but another rain child might be close by having a rough time. He apologizes to whoever it may be for taking advantage of his/her distress.

The rain cools your skin like a carbonated drink after a long time of being thirsty. The rain splashes onto you and you glow in the moonlight. Jin lets you be for a short while, basking in your beauty under the water. He doesn’t think this would work, but he’s content with just trying. Contact in the bath tub has never worked and it left you both upset and wet, exhausted at times on your end if you’ve tried real hard not to burn yourself. But seeing you under the rain gives him hope. Maybe this was the way around it?

You look back at him and read his mind.

Easing into the Jacuzzi at the far end of the pool, you hungrily wait for him to make his way to you. Water travels down his torso and it makes your head light. This just seems too good to be true. You settle on the tiled seat, exhilarated.

The kisses that followed were borderline angry. Kisses of lovers deprived. And Jin was warm. Comfortably warm, where it should be freezing and uncomfortably cold. You’re lucky your neighbors were far away enough to not hear what was about to go down tonight, and far down enough for them not to see anything either.

Jin strips you slowly and you’re surprised that he hasn’t torn off your clothes yet seeing that it’s okay for him to. He just smiles and says you deserve to be taken slowly. He’s rushed so many others but for you, he’s going to take his sweet sweet time.

He strokes himself a few times once you’re both fully naked and he’s convinced that he’s kissed every part of your skin there is. His other hand is on your center, preparing you for the stretch, or the heat, he’s not sure. He pushes a finger inside you and warmth pools at the base of your pussy where he’s entered. You push upwards, surprised, and his eyes only get filled with even more lust. He places his thumb over your clit and starts a steady rhythm, his middle finger hitting the right place inside you every single time. He puts a second finger in and he swears he’s going to cum from just the sight of you intoxicated with only his fingers.

He pulls out a little too soon and eases down. You feel his tip on your entrance and he’s rock hard. He’s deprived, you have to remind yourself. He’s used to sex. To fooling around. To rushing. But now he’s trying to prove something. Something he’s proven the first time he could have fucked you but he didn’t. He’s saying that he actually does love you. That he’s not going to wreck you for the sake of his own satisfaction.

He pushes forward and he’s halfway in by the time your mind snaps out of euphoria and back into what was actually happening. He’s so warm, so hard, so much all at once. And for him, the cool sensation on his dick once he goes inside of you is shocking, but good. He’s used to the girls he fucks literally vaporizing in front of his eyes but you, you’re here. You’re feeling good and you’re wet and slick.

He moves at a steady pace and with the way his head is thrown back, he’s in ecstasy too. He tries to hold himself, but sooner than you expected, he’s picking up his pace, chasing after the high he’s been wanting since he first realized what he actually felt about you. Water sloshes around you and the rain falls down harder as you begin to come closer to your orgasm.

Jin leans down to kiss you.

“I love you.”

Before you can answer, he cums inside you. He’s grunting and moaning and he’s cum so much from such a short time of stimulation. He tickles at your clit and you orgasm shortly after he did as well.

The rain stops almost immediately once you finish.

“How can we incorporate rain inside the home? I was really hoping to fuck you on the kitchen counter.”

“We’ll figure that out later.”

“No, I want to fuck tonight.”

And that was Jin. Selfish, reckless Jin. Thoughtful, purposeful, but also still very, very greedy. Not like he ever denied it.

[cinnbar-bun]

Fallen [Angst]

Anon asked: “So I finally had the guts to request something. I hope this is okay. Could you do azazel where danchou just disappeared and nobody but him remembered them? Like someone else is the captain and it's as though they never existed in the first place. Again I hope this isn't too bad”

Pairing: Azazel x Reader

Azazel was a jerk. A known fact that you had accepted still, all because you loved him. 

He wasn’t good with his own emotions. He sometimes felt like he couldn’t trust you or that he wanted to just embrace you in his arms and never let you go. Everyday brought a new facet of your lover. And you accepted him still, caring for him like no one else did. 

He hated and loved the feeling of being with you. He hated how he felt so different and soft, how he felt something beat in his cold, dead heart. But the exhilaration of having someone by him, by being eternally loved and claimed, sent him over the moon. 

Azazel had a long way to go- he wasn’t perfect by any means, and you had accepted that. He was grateful, but he didn’t know how to let you know he was. 

“Y-you know...I don’t hate your face.” He grumbled, his pale skin turning red as he looked away from your curious eyes. 

“I love you too, Azazel.” You hummed, and he let out a guttural growl as he stuffed his face in his hands. 

“Damn you! Giving me a heart attack! I’ll get you for this! You’ll regret ever messing with a fallen angel!” He yelled, before he tackled you into the grass and tickled you. You squealed slightly as he kept tickling you, before he began pressing kisses all over your face. 

“Az! Stop that! I can’t breathe!” You laughed between every phrase, feeling your breath disappearing. 

“Now you understand you should never mess with me, right? You’re mine, okay?” He gave you his signature toothy smirk, a sign he had regained his pride. 

“Of course, love.” You smiled before you pressed a chaste kiss on his nose, and he squirmed. 

“D-damn you...I feel myself...losing strength...” He dramatically whimpered, collapsing to the ground next to you as you wrapped your arms around him. 

“I love you so much.” You whispered, and he sighed in defeat before he cuddled closer to you, resting his head on your chest. 

“Don’t leave me...” He pleaded. 

“I would never.” You responded, hugging him closer. 

“Did I ask for your opinion? I said leave me alone!” He growled. 

“Azazel, but you-” 

“Get away from me!” He stomped his foot like a child and clenched his fists, the anger in his eyes making you freeze. He normally had his moods, but this was so much worse than other times. 

“But why are you so angry? I only want to help you.” You gently placed a hand on his shoulder and he swatted it away roughly, his violet eyes seething with hatred. 

“Help me? You want to help me? Then disappear from my sight. I never want to see you again.” He sternly said. 

“D-disappear? You hate me that much?” You quietly whispered, the shock from his words not allowing you to digest what he was saying. 

“I wish you’d get away from me! Leave me alone! You’re useless! So useless!” He screamed. 

You couldn’t tell if it was anger or betrayal that overcame you, but you screamed back. 

“Why are you like this? Why do you push me away? I’ve been trying so hard, and nothing makes you stop hating me! I thought it was just some issues we could overcome.” You let out. He stopped his tirade and stared at you, puzzled at what you had to say. “I thought if I gave you enough time you’d stop getting so angry at me! Why do you say you love me if you hate?” 

He stayed silent. 

“So was it a lie? Was it all just one big, fat lie? Were you just using me to get stronger?” You felt your eyes water as you helplessly gazed at the ground. 

“Fine- you want me to disappear? I will. Consider this your last wish.” You clenched your fists and glared at him. Your eyes held an emotion he had never seen on you, especially to him. It made him freeze as he kept his eyes glued on yours. 

He wanted to apologize. Tell you how much you mean to him and that you are worth so much-so much more than him. He’s afraid of loving you, he’s afraid you’ll eventually leave him for someone better. And it looks like you were about to. 

But ever the hard-headed demon, he spat at your feet and sauntered over to you. 

“Then go. Don’t expect me to be crawling back to you.” He snarled. 

“Goodbye then.” You turned around and walked away, and he stood there, watching as your figure disappeared into the sunset. 

There was a tons of thoughts running through Azazel’s head, but each one made him even more catatonic. He couldn’t process the last five minutes. Why was he even screaming? Who was he even screaming at? What day was it? Why the hell did he feel his heart rip into shreds? 

His fingers twitched as he felt himself regaining his senses. He brought his head up and a slight pain built up in his head. 

“Damn...” He muttered. Everything felt so hazy, so he decided to call it a day and crash in his room. 

He tossed and turned in his bed, a frown etched onto his features as his body limply gave out. 

“Freakin sun. Freakin birds. God damn them all.” He muttered. His stretched his back and rubbed his tired eyes. He couldn’t sleep well that night, but he’d never admit it was due to his guilt and anger. 

He stood up and looked at himself over the mirror, before he noticed something on his nightstand. Or, more specifically, something lacking from it. There was supposed to be a framed picture of you and him, captured from when you two were celebrating at a festival. 

“Azazel, try the dango! I promise, you’ll love it!” 

“Tch, I doubt it’s that good. But since you look so pathetic, I’ll taste it.” 

“And? What do you think?” 

“It tastes like shit.” 

“So how many more you want, two, three, maybe even four?” 

“Oi, you callin’ me fat? I’d probably have a heart attack from all the sug-”

“Sorry, you had something on your cheek.” 

“D-d-don’t kiss me like that! G-get back here you! You’re making a deal with the devil!” 

“The hell? I could’ve sworn it was here...perhaps that brat took it or something.” He scratched his head and tried to brush it off, but for some reason, he felt uneasy. It was a feeling he couldn’t really place, but he knew it wasn’t good. 

He opened the door and was greeted by Lyria and Vyrn, who happily told him good morning. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, have you seen (Y/n)?” He dismissed their greetings and stared them down in annoyance. 

“(Y-Y/n)? Eh? Who’s that?” Lyria cocked her head to the side and looked at Vyrn for explanation. 

“You trying to be funny, brat? Where the hell’s (Y/n)?” He growled and showed of his fangs, leaning down to Lyria’s eye level. 

“Ashes, what’s wrong with you? We don’t know anyone named (Y/n).” Vyrn stated. 

“Are you kidding me? Stop pulling my leg! I’ll kill you where you stand if you don’t tell me where they’re at!” 

“Azazel...is it possible you’re remembering someone from your past?” Lyria frowned. 

“They’re not from my past! I just talked to them yesterday! You’ve known them your entire life!” Azazel screamed. 

“Azazel you’re scaring me.” Lyria bit her lip as she backed away from the fallen angel. 

“Fine. You’re so useless! I’ll look for them myself!” He growled, swiping his hand as he stomped off to the deck. 

“Oi! Rackam!” The pilot looked up as he heard his name being called, and Azazel walked over to him. 

“Where’s (Y/n)? I need to speak with them.” He demanded. 

“Huh? (Y/n)? That like a new crew member?” Rackam asked. 

“For god’s sake! (Y/n)! The captain! The one who made your sorry butt fly again!” Azazel yelled, gripping Rackam by the collar of his shirt. 

“Okay, now you must’ve hit your head or something. There’s no one named (Y/n). They certainly aren’t our captain, either.” 

“Oh really now? Then who’s running this place? You?” Azazel spat. 

“Azazel.” An unfamiliar voice cut the demon off as he swung his head back and met face to face with someone he did not recognize. It was a boy, a rather young one, with brown hair and eyes, and a blue sweater. 

“The hell are you?” Azazel glowered at the boy, who seemed unfazed. 

“Why are you causing such a mess on the deck? Lyria and Vyrn came to me saying you were talking crazy.” The boy explained seriously. 

“Who are you? Why’s some runt trying to lecture me?” 

“Azazel. Are you alright? You must have had an awful night.” The boy clicked his tongue and faced the fallen angel. 

“Don’t chastise me! Answer me you brat! Where is my (Y/n)?” He yelled angrily. He was done playing these games. Everyone around them looked at him as if he were insane, some giving pitying glances while others stood to see what would happen next. 

“I think you’re confusing someone. There’s no one named (Y/n) here.” The boy responded calmly. 

“NO! You’re lying! You’re lying! Give me them! I need to speak to them! I need to talk!” Azazel broke down and collapsed on his knees, slamming the deck of the ship with his bare hands. 

“Azazel, I’ll say this again. There’s no one named (Y/n).” The boy repeated. 

“Liar! Liar! Where’s the captain?” He wailed pathetically. 

“Azazel, look at me.” Azazel slowly darted his eyes up, and the boy knelt down to face him. “I don’t know who this (Y/n) is. Whoever they are, they don’t exist. Do you remember now? I’m the captain.” He said slowly. 

“No...no...that’s not-no-it can’t be...” Azazel mumbled incoherently. He gripped the flesh of his wrist as he began shaking violently. Was this some cruel prank the crew was pulling on him? 

“Ha...good one guys. (Y-Y/n)...come out now...please...” Azazel begged. His breathing became more erratic as he felt his heart rate quicken. He quietly laughed as his eyes started to water. 

“Huh? What’s wrong?” The boy asked. 

“T-this isn’t funny anymore. I didn’t mean the shit I said yesterday! Please come out now!” He covered his face with his hands and wailed out apologies and rants. 

“Azazel! Don’t cry!” 

“No! No! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it! Is this what you wanted from me? Did you want to see me beg for your forgiveness, (Y/n)? Is this what you wanted!” He looked up to the sky and screamed the last sentence loudly. 

“I-I think it’s best you go and rest.” The boy tried to touch his shoulders but Azazel slapped them away. 

“Don’t touch me! Stay away from me you filthy animal!” 

“Az-” 

“Don’t say my name! You don’t deserve to live after this!” 

“What’s gotten into you? Everything was fine yesterday! Why are you forgetting this?” The boy stepped back, shocked that Azazel was yelling at him like this.

“Me? What do you mean I’m forgetting this? You guys keep pretending to not know the captain! You know, my lover!” 

“Azazel! I’m the captain! I am not (Y/n)! My name is Gran!” The boy shouted indignantly. The man temporarily stopped his tirade and glared at Gran. 

“I don’t know who this (Y/n) is. If they’re your lover, they aren’t here. They’ve never been here. Almost like they never even existed.” Gran stated. 

“So...so this isn’t a joke, huh?” Azazel mumbled to himself. He nodded before he smiled sadly. “Ah...so this was what they meant.” He slowly covered his eyes. 

“I’m sorry? What did they mean?” Lyria asked. 

“I was a fool.” Azazel chuckled. “A big, damn fool. I wished they’d disappear. Now they’re gone. I wished for it, so why do I feel so bad?” 

The crew could not respond. Azazel slowly rose up before he tugged at a bandage on his arm. The smirk he had on his face did not comfort the crew, and they shivered from the tension his calm demeanor made. 

“Ah. I think I know the answer. I was never meant to be happy. I was never meant to have anything nice. Heh. To think, I trusted in humanity for once.” 

“A...Az...” 

“I thought it’d be fine that time. To trust them, and give them myself. They said they’d do anything I wished. And they did.” 

No words were uttered as he walked toward the edge of the deck. 

“So tell me, Gran,” He spat the poor boy’s name as if it were poison, as he stared at the bright blue sky. “If I wish for them to return, will they?” 

“I...I don’t know, honestly.” 

“Tch. Of course. Because humans never keep their promises. Humans never do anything unless they get something out of it. And my sweet, sweet (Y/n), I thought you were different. I thought you would’ve known I wanted you still. Is that not enough for you?” 

He waited in silence, waiting for you to miraculously appear and engulf him in your warm hug. You would laugh and tell him it was one bad joke, a punishment to make him never underestimate you again. 

And yet, you had not returned. 

“Is this not enough for you?” His voice got louder. “I’m crying over you, you dumb brat! Is that still not enough? What do you want from me? Please, just get back here! I’ll give you whatever you want just get back here!” 

In a flash of anger he ripped off the bandage and chucked it off the ship, watching it slowly flutter to the earth. 

“Listen to me! Listen to me clearly! If you think I’m going to spare you after this, you’re dead wrong! You’re mine! And if you leave me, I’ll give you hell! I’ll make sure you feel nothing but pain!” He screamed into the sky. 

“Azazel, I think you-” 

“Back off, Gran. You know nothing about me. You are not special, you hear? You’re nothing. You’re not them. You’re not (Y/n). If this pathetic world won’t give me them back, then there is no need for it! Just you wait! I’ll free my brethren! You’ll understand soon, Gran, what real hell is!” Azazel cackled. 

“What? What are you planning on doing?” Gran frowned, placing a hand near his sword. 

“Aha! I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier! I should’ve just stuck with my original goal! Maybe it’s good they disappeared, now I can finally finish what I wanted to.” Azazel mumbled, an insane haze in his purple eyes. 

“Azazel, snap out of it!” Azazel ignored Gran as he spread his black, feathery wings. 

“Yes! That’s it! They were a distraction! A mistake! Humans aren’t worthy! They’re all pathetic creatures! I should do this world a favor and destroy them all!” Azazel laughed, spreading his arms wide. 

Gran didn’t know what to do. He had never felt so paralyzed at seeing his comrade fall into the depths of despair and break apart so easily. 

“Gran! Mark my words! The next time you see me- I’ll kill you. I’ll tear you apart and make you feel pain a thousand times worse than this!” He pointed a slender claw at the brunette, who stayed frozen in place. 

“Don’t worry, (Y/n), I’ll make this world disappear along with you. You messed with the wrong angel, dear.” He whispered, before he took off, his massive ebony wings eclipsing over the bright sunny day. 

[oldmangrant]

       I guess I should tell this wonderful place about myself. My name is Grant, 24 and I was in the navy for five wonderful years. The navy made me grow up in ways that I never could have imagined. It made me change from a immature child, to a semi-adult. I still have my childish ways, but I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve seen the world, places I only dreamed of. I went on three deployments out of the five years I was in, and those memories will never go away. I’ve seen the worlds tallest building in Dubai, I’ve been inside of Vatican City, I’ve been insanely drunk with my closest friends in Bahrain. But that story had to come to an end, and I honestly wish it hadn’t.

       I was married for two years, but all together I was with her for three years. Was I loyal that entire time, no. I was an idiot for most of the marriage, and I regret everything that I did to her. I stopped being disloyal September of 15, but that doesn’t erase everything I did. The guilt drove me to a bad place, somewhere I didn’t want to be in. I felt so bad about what I had done, that I put a gun to my head but I talked myself out of it when I realized what it would do to everyone, that was attempt number 1(number 2 comes later). So when June came around of 16, I left for a seven month deployment. Things were rocky between her and I, the sex life was non-existent and we were fighting constantly, but we tried to keep the marriage alive. When I left she told me that she was afraid of meeting someone else, and or that she would fall out of love with me..silly me for not listening.

       The day that I left I was put on night shift, 7pm-7am, and it was my time to run my own shift of 15 people without anyone watching over me. I immersed myself into work, and I put everything else on the back burner, including my marriage. I made excuses as to why I couldn’t call, I would ignore emails, or I would respond with a few words and get back to work. Now don’t get me wrong, we were busy for all 12 hours, but I could have made time to talk to her, and I didn’t. We would stop in a port, and I would hangout with friends and not talk to her, and if I did talk to her I was distant or distracted. This went on until September, and that’s when everything changed. Originally when I left, we talked about starting a family and she was going off of birth control, but then I get an email saying she was going back on it, and I didn’t think anything of it at the time. A week or so before that I get an email asking me if I ever thought anyone I worked with was cute, of course I said no. The signs were all there, I was just too wrapped up in work to notice that someone else had slipped into the picture. She met this guy at work and he told her all of the right things, and bumped me out of the picture. When I noticed things were going wrong, I started to step it up, emailing her more, calling her more..but it was too late..she wanted a break. Now you don’t take a break in a marriage, you just don’t, but she insisted on it, and me being like anyone else knew that she wanted to go on a break to see other people. I protested it, fought it tooth and nail, but I finally gave in and agreed to it.

       We hit a port sometime October time frame and that’s when everything went wrong. We fought the entire time, she accused me of cheating(which remember I did) and all I did was deny deny deny. She became a very vindictive person, she wasn’t the same person that I married. She would put me down constantly, bring this other guy up all of the time, it was a shit show. Well I finally admitted that I cheated on her, and that’s when she admitted that her and the guy had been sleeping together. I lost it, I couldn’t hold myself together. I explained how long ago it was that I cheated on her, but she didn’t care. She started putting me down even worse, saying I’m going to die alone, I’m white trash, started talking bad about my family..the people that were nice to her the entire time everything was going down. I went to marriage classes, talked to the chaplain, I did everything in my power to fix things. I would call her three time a day, I would find work to do on the computer just so I could stay on and email her, but it was useless. She was “in love” with this guy she met at work, and she was done with me. About that time, my mental state wasn’t the best. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, I lost ten pounds just from depression alone. I had to pull myself off of the flight deck because I was afraid I would do something stupid. Anxiety started to kick my ass, and she would just make fun of me for it. So I went and got prescribed sleeping pills since I couldn’t sleep. One day she just went off on me, talking about their sex life, how much better he is than me, started talking about getting rid of my dog, and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So I locked myself in the bathroom at work and took about ten sleeping pills and gave up. When I was starting to feel everything, I kind of had an ‘oh shit what are you doing moment’ and ended up throwing everything up. At that moment I knew that I needed to get my shit together.

       So I call her and we talk, and she tells me ‘either you get out of the navy, or I’m gone’. I had orders to an amazing squadron in Florida, I finally made E-5, and I pulled my enlistment and said I’m done. I left the greatest job I’ve ever had for a flimsy maybe, but I didn’t care I was dead set on making it work. So as time went on, things were always an up and down slope. Around Thanksgiving time we were the best we had ever been. We talked normal, we started to fix things, she said she was going to leave the other guy to focus on our marriage, and I was so convinced that she was telling the truth. Well she didn’t cut things off, and I was left there trying to put the pieces back together myself with duct tape and glue. December came around and things were still up in the air, we talked about moving to Ohio and living with her mom to get back on our feet, and things were starting to look up yet again..silly me for getting my hopes up. I was supposed to fly off the boat about beginning of December, that changed. Then I was supposed to fly off mid December, that changed too, and she was convinced that I had been lying to her about flying off, there was no convincing her otherwise. So we hit France mid December and things are shit, fighting constantly, keeps bringing up the other guy and I was on my last leg of trying. She calls me while I’m in port, and it’s the other guy. He starts trying to talk to me, convince me he’s better for her and blah blah blah. I loose my shit on him, threaten his life a few times, it was just an all around bad idea for him to call me. So when I pull back out to sea, she tells me she’s done and filing for divorce.

       At that moment, I realized I fucked my whole life up for that flimsy maybe. She moves off with this dude, leaves me with every bill known to man, and expensive apartment and doesn’t have a care in the world that. I continued to try to fix it, but there was no use. Anxiety was kicking my ass, depression kept me away from my friends, I just was not in a good place. She would continue to toy with my emotions why she was with this other guy and I let it happen. Then the say came when she got her stuff from the apartment, and that was the day I couldn’t handle. She took everything, and left me with a dining room table and my office full of stuff, that’s it. I had the worst mental breakdown of all time that day, and I just sat in the middle of an empty apartment bawling my eyes out because I lost everything in my life, and I had to start over from scratch. After that day, I wouldn’t hear from her as often, so I started to get back on my feet again and feeling normal. I immersed myself in the gym and focused on that every single day. Then I get a text from her freaking out on me about insurance. She accuses me of taking her off of the insurance that neither of us have anymore because of the divorce. At this point in time my feelings for her are non-existent and I was pretty annoyed by the whole thing. She starts attacking me again, saying I’m being heartless about why am I being so mean when she doesn’t deserve this. Then she brings up the tax return I’m getting(which being deployed means I get bubkis back this year), and says she needs some of it because we are both “starting over”. Let me remind everyone that she has a trust fund she can dip into anytime she wants, I have a jar full of coins I have to use to make ends meet. So I calmly explain to her that we both don’t have insurance and that she isn’t getting my tax return that I need. She doesn’t like that answer and gets her mom involved. I have to explain to both of these women that when I separated form the navy we both lost insurance, but that wasn’t good enough.

       Where I’m at now in life is a shit show, but I’m on the road to being a better person. She is completely out of my life, I’m moving home to be with people that I know care about me, and I’m finally getting a house. My past will forever haunt me, and will always bring me down. My mental state still isn’t stop notch, but that takes time. The gym is the only thing that helps me anymore, even if people don’t understand why, but that isn’t something they need to understand. I know this may seem like a lot of rambling, but it’s my life and it is what brought me to this point.  

[magneticiris]

Discovery Episode 10 Thoughts/Reaction

Obviously spoilers

- Title/premise-wise, it reminds me of "despite everything, it's still you". I want that to be true. I want the series to end with something akin to "where I am, I choose to be", because none of them really have been at this point. You have the researcher thrust into battle, the kid who's been shunted around from one culture to another all her life, and the guy straight up tortured to the point of having no control of his reactions. Also Saru, who's basically in constant fight-or-flight mode. Only Tilly knows what she wants, basically, which is what makes her such a sweetheart. And maybe Lorca, depending on what's going on with that dude.

- Yellow alert? You'd think another universe would be red alert, but I guess Lorca's too chill for that.

- Oh shit, Saru's ganglia and the stress clicks as soon as Tyler entered. Raising some death flags?

- Seriously, why are there no seatbelts on this thing. Or padding, to stop people braining themselves on the consoles. It is insane. Stamets nearly broke his damn skull, which would have cut short all their research.

- What the hell. There's a Discovery there? With a spore drive? So does that mean Stamets always sacrifices himself, or is there like an army of tardigrades/people in there as disposable fuel? I hope the latter, because that's messed up in the best way.

- Haha, Lorca's accent is getting a little thick. "*extreme lorca voice*: gentlemen, ah love war"

- Aw, Tilly. OMG, I want to hug her so bad. AW. Poor thing. I hope there's fanfic where Stamets sits down and apologises to Tilly for being such a dick to her, because he's honestly like that with everyone and my heart just kind of broke into pieces.

- To the palace? So he's out of the woods now, getting closer to here, maybe? Hm.

- Aw, Culber is so sweet... and so salty towards Lorca, lol. "Speak of the devil", dang.

- OH FUCK. Suddenly Lorca goes from possibly good guy to straight up fucking evil. Motherfucker needs to get decked. I mean, he has a point, but the idiot should have thought of that before he drove Stamets into a fucking catatonic state.

- I guess this is him feeling guilty about it and blaming their relationship as reason this wasn't found out earlier, but it's still shitty as hell to bring it up now. Glad they didn't shunt Culber off screen though, that'd tick me off.

- UH. Why would they send the dude ostensibly suffering from severe PTSD  in to a war zone. How could Burnham have let him? I mean, I know they have other things on their mind, but still. It's not just endangering him, it's endangering everyone around him.

- What is with Lorca pulling this "I know about your relationships" bullshit now of all moments. I do get that it's guilt, but it's really undermining his whole "I care about my crew" thing. Love is important, especially in the midst of a crisis like this.

- Poor Tyler. He really was Voq. But he isn't any more? He's what she turned him into as a cover? I really hope they're not two separate people, because that's no fun. I'm invested in the idea that the torture got his wires crossed and he really thinks he is Tyler.

- I do love the idea that he wants to be Tyler so much it's overwritten his programming. Like, if Voq is a different person, it ruins the whole thing where he wanted to be part of something greater. Unless he's been staring through Tyler's eyes, maybe?

- Burnham is so pretty. i'm gay

- Aw, I like the idea that this other universe has an alliance. Like, a second of hope for this universe.

- Aw, Stamets being missing is killing me a bit, too. I miss his barely-existent eyebrows, which gave life to every scene. Bless Anthony Rapp.

- I hope this version of Tilly is Captain, because otherwise they need to explain why not. It’d be like not having the tardigrade return in terms of missed opportunities.

- Aw, so Voq's going to see what fascism looks like from the outside. I love this angle, and I'm glad it's the humans who are space Nazis after all. I was worried that they were going that route with the Klingons as well as having them be tribal, which is a whole boatload of problematic racial subtext, but they've mostly dodged that bullet.

- Oh shit, they switched places. There's an evil Discovery out there causing havoc.

- HAHAHAHAHA. YES. CAPTAIN TILLY. This gives me hope for a lot of plot threads this season, you have no idea. Also, I love the visual motif that straight hair is conformity and being crushed by the system, while natural hair is being yourself. They started that with Burnham's Vulcan bowlcut, so I love it here.

- Oh my god, Tilly is an absolute treasure. I love her trying to act tough.

- HAHAHA Lorca’s Scottish accent. No wonder his Southern accent got a little thicker.How does he know how to do that at the drop of a hat?

- Poor Tilly, she has to learn how to be cutthroat. She's clearly never had to find that part of herself before.

- help. Tilly's nicknames. Killy. I love that her evil self is clearly going to be known as Killy until the end of time now, because that nickname is just as goofy as the real Tilly. So wonderful.

- Huh. Lorca murdered her?

- Aw, Lorca had my thought. Maybe you are a better person, dude. Maybe you're secretly an antifa idealist who wanted to destroy the empire.Anything’s still possible at this point.

- Destiny? Lorca really knows how to spin some bullshit when he has to, considering he's the one orchestrating everyone's destiny. Also, is that why he messes around with fortune cookies?

- I hope they run into their "dead" selves at some point.

- Love Saru being horrified by their plan. Especially since he's basically just had confirmation that humans are a terrible predatory species. More so than usual, in this universe. I hope he meets up with other alien races or gets something to do here.

- Aw, Culber. I know it'll end up okay, but it's killing me.

- is he seeing the future? Considering the mention of an emperor, the palace thing seems relevant.

- AW, this is heartbreaking. OH god, for two seconds he seemed back.

- Terrans don't apologise? Dang, I would make a useless Terran, then.

- Their strength is in survival. Yes, necessity. Tell the world that fascists are really scared little bigots who think everyone is as horrible and deceptive as they are. Although, in having to survive here and now, they're going to have to become like them. Which is why I hope mirror Lorca was antifa, because it'd make a nice counterpoint. He's almost been forged into one of them by whatever gave him those scars.Or he is one of them. Either way.

- AW, Burnham and Tilly. They're so great, and Tilly is such a goof.

- HAHAHA I love Killy so much. She's so OTT.

- Oh shit, it's that poor kid from the med bay. Well, the brig, but he thought it was the med bay.

- Killy is too much, it's delightful. I love them all trying to act over the top, it's killing me. Also, her asymmetric RPG hair is wonderful.

- His personality could be written over this? "You're not you" Personality doesn't equal soul, though. Really hoping he's not being taken over, and that he's just super confused. If they make Voq just an evil invader, I'll be kind of mad.

- Whoa. I like that it didn't linger, though. I don't think I could bear that kind of fetishisation of his death.So Stamets is going to need to pull a deus ex machina of some kind, I guess.

- "The enemy is here."

- Lorca really fucked up in that regard. They had almost too much faith in him, to the point where he had to actively undermine it this episode. I do hope he's good, though, because the twist being "Lorca's evil" seems kind of boring.

- Unless he and mirror Burnham somehow worked out that they needed to disband the empire, and she sacrificed herself to send him to the other universe? That’d explain why he’s so desperate to keep her alive and happy. I hope that’s it, if they go that route. It’d also explain why he thinks her destiny is for something greater.

- Man, Burnham is so good at this. I guess she's already kind of lost everything, so she knows how to harness that strength in absolute terror.

- Agoniser booth? Dang.

- FUCK. Did he kill the entire crew? OH. She has to kill that poor kid from the med bay. For a second there, I thought they were going with the kid being as cartoonishly evil as Captain "cut out your tongue to lick my boots" Killy.

- I mean, obviously it's not the same person as Connor, but still. In the circumstances, they could have become these people. Either they'd be dead, or they'd have lived long enough to become cartoonish villains.

- Oh god, the applause.

- So Voq is somewhere in Tyler's body. Ugh.

- God, everyone's so broken now. Even the hearts of the show, Tilly and Culber, are both compromised. Tilly maybe not as obviously so, but she's just had her dream shattered a bit and is stuck acting evil. This is the darkest quarter, right before everyone gets built back up... hopefully.

- AW. Tyler is so doomed. I hope Voq is seeing through his eyes and understands, if they are going that disappointing route. I really want them to be one and the same,

- So, was Lorca being an asshole to Culber earlier mostly to justify his being tortured? Because I see him in pain and I'm just like "yeah, you kind of deserve that, mate".