#i think three or four episodes in was about when i started fixating on the suckening

[art-from-the-juice-box]

wonderlust stuff :]

[anthurak]

So with Ghostfuckers providing a fair bit of detail on how our four main characters came together and the formation of I.M.P. proper, I thought it would be fun to dive into the potential timeline of Helluva Boss again. Because at this point, I think we can actually glean quite a bit of information from what the show has stated or hinted at.

First off, the confirmed ‘hard dates and times’ we can look at to establish a broad, overall timeframe for the show:

We have Spring Broken taking place (shockingly) during Spring Break, putting it in March.

We have The Harvest Moon Festival coinciding with the actual Harvest Moon (not some Hellish equivalent, but the proper Earth moon), putting the episode on/around September 17th.

Then we have Unhappy Campers which actually notes a specific date with a poster showing that Millie’s big show takes place on July 17.

Finally we have Apology Tour taking place specifically on Halloween, aka October 31.

And now Ghostfuckers has Millie mentioning that it’s been ‘over a month’ since Blitzo and Stolas broke up, meaning either The Full Moon or Apology Tour, which puts us pretty squarely in early December as the current time of the show.

This means we are looking at a total of one year and nine-ish months between Spring Broken and Ghostfuckers.

Which in turn, given the indeterminate amount of time between the first three episodes, I’d say likely puts us at just shy of two years since the start of the show proper with Murder Family, and DEFINITELY a little over two years since Blitzo’s first night with Stolas, getting the Grimoire and the start of I.M.P.

Something that is actually further corroborated by Blitzo’s comment in The Full Moon about Stolas letting them keep the book for ‘another year’, implying that episode likely took place near around the ‘anniversary’ of Blitzo getting the Grimoire from Stolas. And I think we can all appreciate the dramatic irony/angst of Stolitz imploding almost two years to the day as their first night together.

So with a proper timeframe for the show as a whole established, what other interesting things can we glean?

Well for one, I think a couple of seemingly innocuous lines in Western Energy can actually tell us a fair bit about LOONA. Which funny enough, kind of confirms the official creator statement that she is 22, but also makes it a bit more… nuanced.

You see, Blitzo mentions in Western Energy that it’s taken him five years to get an appointment for Loona’s hellbies shot. Now obviously, we can assume that Blitzo started trying to get this appointment not too long after adopting Loona.

Combined with what we know about Loona being less than a month from turning 18 when Blitzo adopted her, this not only confirms that it’s been about five years since Loona was adopted, but also means that Western Energy actually takes place not too long before or after Loona’s birthday. Given that the next episode is Unhappy Campers, probably in the April/May/June range. And also that Loona is actually 23 at this point.

And what’s really funny about this in regards to the official statement of Loona being 22 is that, if anyone else remembers, we actually GOT that statement sometime between the releases of Ozzie’s and The Circus. Which WOULD be a point in the show when Loona IS 22.

Even though Loona would definitely be 21 at the actual start of the series, then turned 22 likely sometime between Spring Broken and C.H.E.R.U.B.S. then turned 23 sometime around Western Energy.

Admittedly I’m not sure how any of this might be actually relevant or otherwise significant aside from simply having a good idea when Loona’s birthday is, but I think it’s a fun detail nonetheless.

Now speaking of characters with confirmed ages that the fandom has become way too fixated on, let’s talk about Octavia.

Obviously, given that we are way over a year since Loo Loo Land, Octavia is DEFINITELY NOT 17 anymore. Heck, given that we’re clearly close to two years since that episode, Octavia could easily be 19 at this point. Remember that unlike Loona, Octaiva being 17 was mentioned officially before she even appeared in the show, meaning that we really HAVE to assume that she is 17 in Loo Loo Land. Other than that, the only mention we have of Octavia being 17 is in The Circus, which really only means that the present-day portion of that episode (along with Ozzie’s and Queen Bee, given that they specifically take place the night before) takes place less than a year after Loo Loo Land. Like if those episodes take place in early-mid October and Octavia’s birthday is in November, then she would be 19 at this point.*

And while we’re on the topic of Ozzie’s, Queen Bee and The Circus, ANOTHER notable detail that might be easy to forget is that Ozzie’s happens to take place on Moxxie’s and Millie’s one-year wedding anniversary. Which gets particularly interesting given what we now know from Ghostfuckers.

We know, or at least can infer, from Millie’s narration (“that year I spent getting to know your ragtag team”) that Millie joined up with Blitzo, Moxxie and Loona about a year before they formed I.M.P. Which in turn also coincided with Blitzo’s and Stolas’s reunion, given that Blitzo is shown to have the Grimoire in the flashback of the four moving into their new offices.

What makes this interesting is the fact that Moxxie and Millie seem to have been ALREADY married when Blitzo got the Grimoire and set up I.M.P. Which given, again, that Ozzie’s specifically takes place on the M&M’s one-year wedding anniversary, I think REALLY narrows down the timing of a number of events.

Like given that Ozzie’s takes place AFTER both The Harvest Moon Festival and Truthseekers, we have to assume that Moxxie’s and Millie’s wedding likewise probably happened after September.

And we know from The Full Moon taking place shortly before Halloween and the previously-discussed lines from Blitzo implying that it’s not too far off from the ‘anniversary’ of him getting the Grimoire from Stolas, that Blitzo’s and Stolas’s first night together probably happened in-or-around October.

So… putting all of these together, I think we can in fact narrow down Moxxie’s and Millie’s wedding, Bitzo’s and Stolas’s first night together AND the start of I.M.P. all to October.

Millie’s and Moxxie’s wedding, and by extension the events of Ozzie’s, Queen Bee and the present-day sections of The Circus, probably happens at the start of/early October.

Then just a few weeks, or even days, later, Blitzo tries to swipe the Grimoire and has his first night with Stolas. Heck, you want a fun theory/headcanon? What if Moxxie and Millie getting married actually spurred Blitzo into accelerating his ideas/plans for a human-assassination business and going after the Grimoire? Because he wanted to have a better business/life for Moxxie and Millie?

Which then puts the ‘moving in’ flashback from Ghostfuckers and the proper start of I.M.P. in late/end of October. I mean, given that Murder Family and a number of other episodes have released on Halloween, and given the apparent in-universe significance of the date for demons we learned about in Apology Tour, it would be rather appropriate for the Immediate Murder Professionals to have opened for business on Halloween.

And one other notable detail about Millie joining Blitzo's crew specifically a year before the proper start of I.M.P., meaning three years before the current time of the show, is that this gives us about a two year window (really more like a year and a half given Western Energy) wherein Blitzo recruited Moxxie.

Now, will any of this be actually relevant or important to the story going forward? I mean, probably not much. I imagine it's mostly just the hard-dates I mentioned at the start which establish an overall timeframe for the show that are really worth keeping in mind.

I will say that Octavia being old enough to inherit her father’s position and power does feel like a chekhov’s gun that could become important in whatever ‘Goetia Trial’ it’s looking like we’ll see in the next episode or two.

But mostly, this is just some fun analysis and ramblings.

--

*Which of course perfectly lines up with how much Octavia has been emphasized by characters and narrative alike to not be a CHILD anymore. Like as of Western Energy, she’s apparently considered fully capable, at least by law, of inheriting all of Stolas’s position, power and holdings should he die, which was the entire reason Andrealphus wanted Stella to call off her hit. Which would line up perfectly with Octavia having turned 18 sometime between then and The Circus.

[another-day]

its time for to review something i’ve been waiting for for four years now

finally, i am very happy to say, we have EPISODE IN REVIEW for the fresh new episode of SEASON TWO EPISODE 15!!!!

spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched it already!!!!

i feel like i knew where this episode was going from the start, but we’ll get there ;]

first off; taco was such an interesting character in this episode, and i’m really glad they took the time to flesh her out!!!

obviously yeah she has a whole song about her desires and all, but even through dialogue and interactions she is taken care of very well and i really appreciate that!!

her desires are still humanised even though she’s the anti-hero of the season, and i think it really shows you that she was a contestant too at one point, and she had a negative experience with the show. does this mean i don’t think she was totally manipulating the final four? not in the slightest, but its still peculiar.

this time skip had me a little confused, because from paintbrush’s statement in regard to lightbulb “missing a lot”, one can assume that season three already ended

i’m hoping this’ll be explained at some point but i’m just confused!!!

i could essentially guarantee she was going to be eliminated from this line alone, probably by her own choice. lightbulb has a tendency to fixate somewhat on things she finds important in sentences, so i knew from here.

LOOOOOK AT HIIIIIM HE’S HERE!!!!

okay but for real; this was a masterful song, and i absolutely adored all of the musical progressions and just EVERYTHING. Rheagan Rizio’s vocals were amazing and the song was totally captivating, i love it.

this scene was incredibly interesting to me, this being the moment after suitcase says she genuinely befriended balloon and didn’t do it out of spite.

its like taco forgets people have different desires, and almost believes them to reason things the same way she does, because she knows that if she were in suitcase’s situation at that point that she would’ve done it out of spite, SO INTERESTING!!!!

this was one of my favourite scenes by far, because it brings to light an underlying storyline that has been there since the beginning

knife has been trying to be a better person throughout season two, and this is where that kind of comes crashing down for him. its something so rarely brought up, but bringing it into fruition like this was a fantastic choice, especially when his beliefs of “getting better” are immediately brought down, because his “better” may not be what actually is “better” overall.

ough,,,,,, season two episode twelve parallel save me i love these two so much i had to include it

i had a feeling after episode 14 that lightbulb would be out in this episode, because she was mentally at the weakest point she’d ever been in, but now i can see how much mental strength it must’ve taken to leave behind something that has been such a constant in her life for something that she found mattered to her much more.

she’s such a wonderful character, and i know people will be upset, but she’ll be far happier like this, and that’s already made very clear in later scenes

and to finish, there he is again !!!!

i’m so happy they’re canonically friends too!!!

but overall, taco’s development has been so interesting this episode. i really think she’s starting to fully understand what she wants now, and i suppose now i can only hope she’ll actually talk to them about it next episode

i freaked when i saw this

its not the fact that mephone has his name saved only as steve cobs, but the fact that he has it saved at all.

i understand that this could just be an embedded contact from creation, but i still feel that cobs wouldn’t just put his name in as such, and that mephone wouldn’t have just deleted it by his own accord.

also the fact that COBS is calling HIM. steve cobs has been shown to show little to no interest in mephone following season one, rather focusing on his newer phone models, so what triggered this? if the timeskip is correct, then i’d like to assume its the prime shimmer that influenced him to call mephone. i dunno why, but its a thought yknow!!!

but in conclusion, this was a spectacular episode. a friend of mine screen recorded the entirety of taco’s song so i am very excited to listen to that again, and i hope to see you all next time oooooon… episode in review!!!!

[warsamongthestars]

One of the things that struck me in TBB, that after processing, immediately told me how the so called "family dynamic" worked and how it immediately grinded and gritted against fandom interpretation...

And how badly TBB really did fuck up TCWs character dynamics...

Was the episode "Common Ground". Season 1, Episode 10.

I can argue details and semantics all day, but that would require an episode by episode breakdown.

Common Ground, however, is an easy episode to point out that literally has all the flaws, in their showing, that every episode before it only inferred... and how those flaws grew afterwards in only weirder and weirder shapes.

Common Ground was when the Bad Batch were sent after a Separatist Senator, and Omega was left in Cid's bar.

There are several things to point out in this episode. Several that show case the flaws, and one that hits so closed to home that I can't, I really really can't, accept fandom interpretation of TBB family dynamics, because of.

Let's start with the flaws:

Hunter's repeated problem of expecting Omega on the team, when she's not on the team.

... One, You left here at the bar, Jackass, for safety.

... Two, goes against anything Hunter says about giving Omega a life, by immediately expecting her on mission.

... Three, Even when she's not there, she keeps having an impact on the story that isn't needed and certainly isn't wanted.

... Four, shows this nearly obsessive fixation that he never fucking gets over at any point in the show. A fixation that costs even Omega.. and I'll get to that one.

... Five, you think this about Omega, but Not about Crosshair.

Number Five on the above, is another one--The total lack of any group conflict or battlefield failure, thanks to losing a vital member of the team, Crosshair.

It only comes up here when its about the kid, who absolutely shouldn't have any reason to be on the battlefield at all. ( SHE'S LIKE FUCKING NINE YEARS OLD)

It is only roughly inferred by previous episodes (and only if you're looking for it), but for some reason, the Bad Batch never seems to suffer losing Crosshair or their Sniper, and no attempt as exploring what his duties were or what he meant to the team, is ever brought up.

The constant giving of his position and objects to Omega, really makes Omega into his Replacement, if not a full on team rebound.

And this is never explored. 3 Seasons are done now, and it was NEVER EXPLORED. Oh yes there was the Cross and Hunter confrontation, but that wasn't a confrontation, that was a pissing contest until the monster showed up. Every confrontation had been a pissing contest, because this show cannot write meaningful communication that isn't about the golden child donut steel or isn't a pun or one-liner.

Even TCWs would communicate meaningful, even when it was being funny.

Personally, if a team I had grown comfortable with, knew the dynamics of, relied on and was relied on whilst as a teammate, and had been with FOR YEARS-- decided that after my mindcontrolled zombie ass was taken / kidnapped and had gods knew what done to me... if they decided to replace me immediately with someone a quarter of my age with no training but having all my duties... I would be beyond pissed.

I would frankly never return to this group again, and would go out of my way to avoid them, will curse them for the rest of my fucking life. That sort of thing would destroy any relationships, and forget healing and repair and any communication--this right there would pretty much tell me that, the thing that was beyond my control, allowed my team the excuse to remove me entirely.

Forget trying to save me, it was easier to replace me and nobody gave a shit.

So yeah, that's another major flaw this episode brought up.

The regulation of Echo into bitchy sidepiece.

Nothing Echo says or does has any meaning in this episode. The Bad Batch don't listen to him, he doesn't do anything of import, and y'know, this kind of episode should have been an Echo Episode.

It should have been Echo centric.

Why? Because if there is anyone established in the Bad Batch group that would have a cow and character conflict with helping Seppies, it'd be Echo.

He was tortured, forcefully changed, and made into a weapon against his nation, his ideals and his brothers.

Confronting a Seppie Leader or a Seppie mission would be the perfect opportunity to dive into the character of Echo and his past conflicts.

But what does this episode do? Regulate him into bitchy side piece, and proving that the Bad Batch does not really give one shit about their brothers.

They already replaced Crosshair, so losing Echo wouldn't have been no skin off their teeth.

( So much for the TCWs team that adopted Echo because they knew how to care for them. Fuck them I guess--let's have these apathetic cardboard cutouts instead, OH LOOK AT THAT ONELINER THEY PULLED ISNT THAT AWESOME )

Exactly what do Tech and Wrecker do in this episode exactly?

Y'know, Tech and Wrecker were memorable in TCWs. But I can't seem to remember what they did here exactly that made them stand out. In fact, you could cut out Tech, Wrecker, and Echo, and leave the episode (as is) to Hunter alone, and the same shit would still be relevant.

In fact, that's pretty much a lot of TBB anyway. They removed Crosshair, and not a damn thing happened. They removed Echo, and not a damn thing happened. They removed Tech, and not a damn thing happened.

( Oh yeah, they pasted Echo back in a few times, cos y'know, Hunter's skillset means fuck all comparison to that written obsession of his )

Might as well have removed Wrecker too, they sure as hell didn't give him any satisfying endings or even character arc. Oh yeah, he's real cute when with Omega--but tell me exactly how interesting and important a MAIN character is if they're are only defined by how they look when in frame with another character.

Okay. Now, for the last one, and the personal bit.

Hunter yelling at Omega at the Bar.

Look, I like Omega as a character. My issue with here is what she represents in the narrative, how the narrative treats her, and what is spent in order to make her a good character. I would adore her more if she was a side character or side kick instead, someone who's really is meant is to define the main characters and add an extra dynamic or aspect--and maybe star in an episode or two to really get to know the side character.

The narrative treats her too much like the end all be all in everything, even in adult conflicts, and Treats that as a Good Thing.

Time for the personal stuff...

As someone who had once been a child, dragged into adult situations against both my health and my will, and worse, relied on by adults (who were suppose to nurture Me) for emotional support at cost and under threat either by forces outside or forces inside, especially after being sheltered and having been taught no skills but being expected to have those skills anyway, never once being taught communication but being expected to communicate and under a hierarchy of "Do what I say and anything to the contrary is Your Fault"--I know Omega's situation when applied to the Real World.

( Obviously I never ran from governments, never flew in space, and I sure as hell didn't have super duper genome brothers in the millions. But I did have one real shit homelife and its amazing what can translate to and from metaphor. )

( And how all the sudden, how I can have a really fucking hatred for shit writing, and writers who thought it was a good idea. )

You don't turn into a hero at the end of that journey. You don't even really get a sense of self until far into your own adulthood. Most of the time, the biggest quest of the day is getting out of bed or off the laptop to do even the most basic of things for one's self.

Now personal stuff over...

Omega is, like, nine. She was already left in a seedy place. She's young enough to trust adults without issue to any perceived flaws, because she wouldn't know what minor red flags look like.

And because she's really good at strategizing a game (cos apparently we couldn't allow Echo to do that, who was explicitly captured because he was THE stradegist), the local adult that she was entrusted to, exploits her ability to do so against potentially hundreds of customers.

And while this had benefits, cos it cleared the family debt (... for now), this was still exploitation of a child by an adult.

Then the Bad Batch return, and what does Hunter do? Give Omega her rights for causing attention. Even though she is Nine, and clearly, she couldn't possibly advertise for so many people, and frankly, probably couldn't say No either.

(And given the Racing episode that occurs in Season 2, Hunter Only does this to Omega ).

Sure, Hunter gets the "you're being an asshole" treatment and things seemingly clear up by the end of the episode.

But do you honestly thing that an apology game is how you remedy that sort of fuck up? That maybe, there should've been commutation about how the local seedy barkeeper is probably the last person you want to leave your kid with?

That y'know, an exspec ops super mutant might know a thing or two about communication and trust and enviromental awareness?

OR THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP GOING ON COMBAT MISSIONS AND JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!? YOUR DEBT IS PAID, GO AWAY, LEAVE, GET OUT, DO SO NOW.

Common Grounds, as an episode, highlights why the TBB doesn't work. Its not a case of "But only THIS episode is Bad and can be Ignored!" because Common Grounds highlights the prime elements of TBB, which are its many flaws.

Its underutilized characters, its total lack of environmental awareness, the emphasis on the super duper oc donut steel, and worse, its utter inability to bother reaching out to its audience unless its to twist a knife in.

( Just look at what they did to poor Tech. )

It doesn't try to be a hostile narrative, in fact its really good at being hostile to its characters and its environment, but it doesn't work any good without attempting to tarnish or ruin that good and it never considers what a positive step looks like that doesn't involve it coming off as shallow or excuse based--it overdoes Chandler's Law.

It is Common Grounds for Negligence.

... ( and I wasn't totally thinking about how that ending came together, but fuck, that checks. )

[lizaluvsthis]

How was the episode?

Once Upon an SMG4 and... gay theories-

*METAL PIPE SOUND EFFECT*

WHAT DO YOU THINK????

Oh- I think many of you guys miss how I hyperfixate some stuff out- sorry if I kinda missed some chances on using it to PV's-

I got mind block atm so I may or may not have much theories-

Spoiler theory-thoughts incoming...

I knew that Three was self aware from the beginning. I wish everyone of four's crew would break the reality. We're not even sure if this is THE crew we're watching on. Or these are fake?

He knows. Not a bit long enough for him to realize that whatever he's doing is for PV's desires to make the show on forward.

We didn't get any shots for tari. Where is tari? Where is she? Shes not here yet? Where couldve she'd been gone off to?

She knows how simulations work.

Perhaps pv kept her back to where she was trapped? During the time on that train?

What if she's locked in a prison? Or keeping herself busy with something?

Theres a high possible chance that Tari escaped and will be helping rest of her friends regain their conciousness back again. (By having a talking metallic arm she has- I think Clench might be the one who can help Tari)

Lets all say that everyone is asleep. And PV is doing literally everything to place the crew off character roles from each stories.

Meanwhile they're all trying to fight it off.

Just like how Three did. Remember when I created a hyper fixation about Three being self aware during Western Spaghetti, which whom he said he'd been asleep for a hundred years that felt like it.

Almost too real for him that he jinxed it-

Now that he's trying to wake himself up from this nightmare hole, he couldn't escape.

Can tari save everyone again? Will they fail? Who knows? Its only been 2 episodes for PuzzleVision's videos. Its 2 out of 3 more.

I'm pulling out that I guessed right. It was bob. Since I had a HUGE feeling that it might be bob than PV on that role.

"I wish we could all escapre from here..."

Smg4 is seen to be grinning a little. Is it because his concious mind says "he did it." ?

Is it because Four couldn't do anything because of PV? And that only Three can? Maybe four realized? Started coming back from everyones thoughts that- THIS ISNT REAL. THEY HAVE TO WAKE UP.

Besides from the main characters- what about the other people? Saiko? SMG1? SMG2? (Actually i think they both retired but who knows if they can both save the crew- high chance but not sure-) swag? Chris? Anyone at all? Where the heck is eggdog and Beeg?

They're not here- to who PV victimed. Bowser is also included. He was also shown in western spaghetti. Just like how he was also trapped with the rest. Would this possibly happen to the others if they tried to interfier with PV's job?

I mean- I dunno man-

[starleska]

[oh hey ig what im talking about may still be new. Uh. Maybe slight spoilers for Avery Pokémon’s Sync Pair Story in Pokemon Masters EX?]

Star, I must repent. I think I followed you at the tail end of your Avery obsession. I must admit, I did NOT get it, I did not see The Vision™️

But things changed, you may already know, but I downloaded that mobile Pokémon game, Pokemon Masters EX, bc I’m broke and know no other option; Avery was put in the game…like…yestetday?; I go “OO! Star’s guy!”; I obtain Avery; etcetera etcetera, yada yada

It’s 5am, I’m sitting someone else’s house with little to do bc I was watching a family’s dogs while they were on a weekend trip. I open the app and decide to play the little side story for Avery bc ofc I love the 💖Lore💖 and thought it’d be cool to gain clues on who he is (bc there’s no introductions in the game, really. You just go in and they expect you to already know these guys…I, in fact, know none of these guys).

Avery greets the player and starts briefly talking about his powers, his family, his Slowpoke, gym leading, etc. (probably just referencing what already happened in Shield but-) and I’m like “…omg…he is lovely <3”

and. then I see him “teleport”. For the first time…I…HE DID SAY “oh I was supposed to have all these powers but only got Telekinesis” BUT. I WASNT . I WAS NOT READY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING!!!! BUT IT WASNT THAT TURN AROUND AND FULL SPRINT AWAY INTO THE NIGHT, LEAVING THREE (3) OF HIS POKEMON JUST SITTING IN FRONT OF ME, VIBING

I don’t remember what noises I made, but whatever it was, I startled awake all four of the dogs I was watching. I was almost SOBBING. That got me so bad. I still look up at the ceiling everytime I think about it.

Tragically, my YouTube search history is rapidly becoming a mess as I try to find every compilation of this guy ever,

bahahahahaha YES!!!!!! WELCOME TO THE AVERY CULT!!!!! oh it's so funny that as roach brainrot takes over my whole being, Avery finally gets you. we really can't control when that little light switches on and makes us insane, can we? 🙈💖

gosh i ought to check this Pokemon Masters EX game out-

MY LOVE!!!!!!! 🙈💖🙈💖🙈💖 OHHH so that's why i've seen so much gorgeous art of Avery over on Twitter over the last week!!! i thought people were just finally waking up to what a handsome and funny guy he is 🥰💖 i'm so, so happy he's become your husband too...you have to be confronted with what an elegant little weirdo he is to truly fall victim to his charm!! (i'm not gonna lie when i read you calling Avery 'Star's guy' i got so giggly 🙈🙈 now he's OUR guy!!!) oh my god. TELEPORT IS WHAT GOT YOU???? i'm in PIECES 😂😂😂 we love our silly fellas with a big slice of pathetic, don't we. bless his heart he's so troubled and has so much familial angst yet is equal parts bishie bully and ready to break down in tears at ANY second!! when did he start doing the teleport thing, do you think? has anyone ever told him how ridiculous(ly pretty) he looks? 😖💖💖💖 that art you've drawn of yourself is making my sides shake that is EXACTLY how i felt when i first saw Avery. just one look at his outfit and i was absolutely gone 😭😭 omg my goddd though Kayleigh McKee, his voice actress in Masters EX, does such an amazing job, i'm gobsmacked!!! i was kicking my legs hearing him laugh so haughtily 🥴💖 hufjgk i would kill to have him in a longer anime episode please good lord...!!! Mr Big Hat over here would be so terribly smug to know he's gotten you all flustered 🥴💖 very much looking forward to the inevitable ship art of yourself and Avery (and of course your other Pokéblorbos, because we can never have just one!! 🥰)...gosh you're making me want to draw him!!this is that time where i promote the hell out of my extremely talented friends who've drawn lovely art of Avery and my OC Nix (AKA Crystelekinesisshipping 😉): art by @/mruuhaha, art by @/MrKlausSelfShip, and art by @theredmists 🥰🥰 and to feed your little Avery fixation, i made this silly little AMV for him when in the throes of my own 🔥 lying down, blood on my face. there are too. many. pretty. characters. in the world. how dare you bring Avery back i am trying to rizz up a French bugman 😂😂 Lorelei, it is a pleasure as always!!! thank you for bearing with me while i've been crushed in fixation hell, you're a champion and i am IMMENSELY looking forward to reading through your Avery brainrot backlog 😉

[zizzlekwum]

Stranger In A Not-So-Strange Land

Masterlist

CHAPTER TWO

Reid suspects a kid who reached out to him for help is a serial killer when he talks about killing prostitutes. Follows the events of Criminal Minds Season 2 Episode 11 “Sex, Birth, Death.”

Trigger Warnings: talks of suicide and suicidal ideation; non-graphic suicide attempt of side character

Word Count: 7,360

Tag List: @leftoverenvy @itsmeanobody @ctrljuls @theclassicgaycousin [if you want to be added to the tag list, please comment or send me an ask]

You’re walking away from the coffee machine, mug in hand, as Reid rushes by you. “What’s the rush, Reid?” you ask.

“Oh, hey guys,” JJ says, coming around the corner.

“JJ, who’s your contact at the DC police?” Reid asks, walking quickly to his desk, writing in his notebook.

“Uh, Victor Barnes,” JJ replies as you follow him. “Why? You need me to call him?”

Reid ignores her, grabbing the phones at his desk and dialing. “Hi, Detective Barnes, please.”

“What’s wrong?” Gideon asks from behind you.

Reid points at his notebook. “Need to get that to everybody as soon as possible,” he says. “Uh, hi, Detective Barnes. This is Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid at the Behavioral Analysis Unit at Quantico. Have you had any recent murders involving prostitutes, maybe just Jane Does? They would’ve been stabbed to death and their hair would’ve been cut off by the killer.”

JJ gives you a look. What’s going on? She mouths. You shrug.

“When was the most recent victim?” Reid asks over the phone. “I’ll explain when I see you. I’ll meet you in a half hour.” He hangs up the phone.

“What’s going on?” Gideon asks.

“DC may have a serial killer,” Reid says. “And I think I just let him get away.”

“What?” you say. “What do you mean?”

“There was this kid, he came up to me at the subway. He said he went to my lecture about how we caught the Mill Creek killer. He started asking questions, and then asked what it would mean if someone cut the hair off of a prostitute after killing them.”

“That’s… not good,” you say bluntly, unsure what else to say.

“He walked away before I could get his name,” Reid says. “I’m going to go meet with the detective.”

“We’ll come with you,” Gideon says, nodding at you. You follow Reid to the elevator and down to the SUV. Gideon drives.

* * * * *

When you get to the ME’s office, Detective Barnes is already there, standing next to the covered body of who you assume is the dead prostitute. After introductions are made, he moves to uncover the victim’s head. “We found her four days ago in an alley off of K Street,” the detective says. “Still no ID.”

Hotch walks in. “Hey, just got your message.”

“Aaron Hotchner, Vic Barnes,” Gideon introduces them.

“Hi,” Hotch says, nodding to the detective. “What have we got?”

“This is the second victim,” Reid tells him. “The first one was killed three months ago.”

“Both in the early morning,” you add.

“Both had their hair chopped?” Hotch asks.

Detective Barnes nods. “Uniform didn’t make the connection because he was fixated on this.” He pulls the sheet farther down to expose the victim’s belly, where ‘HELP’ has been carved into her skin.

“The first victim didn’t have anything carved on her, I assume?” you ask.

“Just a routine Jane Doe,” the detective says, shaking his head.

“Take a look,” Gideon says, pointing to the cuts. “A lot are shallow. They’re hesitation marks. He’s not certain he wants to be killing.”

“Makes you think the message he carved is sincere,” Reid adds. “He’s asking the police to help him stop.”

“Fits with your kid, seeking you out,” Gideon says. “Part of him wants to get caught.”

Reid shakes his head. “I let him go, I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, Reid,” you tell him. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose. We’ll find him.”

“If both murders took place in the morning, how come there were no witnesses?” Hotch asks.

Detective Barnes sighs. “The motels and alleys around the Capitol are notorious. People go out of their way not to look.”

You finish up the conversation before heading back to the BAU. When you get there, Hotch tells you, Morgan, and Prentiss to go canvas the streets where the bodies were found and see if anyone recognizes Reid’s sketch.

* * * * *

“So the kid just happened to have a conversation with a serial killer on his way to work?” Morgan asks as he drives. You’re in the back behind Prentiss in the passenger seat.

“Seems like it,” you confirm.

“That’s weird, even for us,” Prentiss says. You hum in agreement.

“Weird just seems to find us,” Morgan notes, pulling up to the curb. The three of you exit the vehicle and begin to look around. You split up, Morgan going in one direction and you and Prentiss in the other, looking for someone who might know something. Not everyone is eager to talk to you, afraid you’re here to arrest them, but you finally find a girl to talk to. She looks barely eighteen. You introduce yourselves and begin to ask her questions.

“Business is pretty heavy here in the mornings?” Prentiss asks.

The girl bites her bottom lip, looking skeptical. “How do I know you’re not just lookin’ to crack down on us?” she asks.

“Because we’re telling you. We’re here trying to protect you,” you tell her. Morgan walks up behind you, inspecting the dumpster, as another woman, presumably a friend of the girl you’re talking to, goes to her side.

The girl sighs. “A lot of johns from the hill stop by on their way to work,” she explains.

Her friend jumps in. “We always say the same politicians yellin’ about cleanin’ up the hill are the ones droppin’ fifty bucks with us before they make the speech.”

“It’s true,” the first girl says. “And the more important they think they are, the quicker they accidentally finish up with us. It’s weird like that.”

“No, that’s pretty much universal,” Prentiss says. You snort.

Morgan fights a smile, holding up Reid’s sketch. “You recognize him at all?”

“I don’t know his name or nothin,’” the girl says.

Her friend shrugs. “He hangs around, tries to pretend like he’s not watching us. He’s just a horny kid, you know.”

“You didn’t see him talking to any of the other girls out here?” you ask.

The woman shrugs again. “I just figured he’s the kind, gets his little bit of danger, and goes home and takes business into his own hands.”

“Is he the one who did this?” the first girl asks.

“We don’t know,” you tell her.

“But someone did,” Prentiss adds. “So you need to be careful.”

The woman nods. “We stick to the daylight and only work the high-end blocks.”

Prentiss eyes the first girl. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-one,” she says immediately. Prentiss glances at Morgan then back at the girl, shaking her head. “Fine, nineteen,” the girl admits.

“Just watch out for each other, okay?” Prentiss says.

They nod and begin to walk away.

“Well, if he is the killer, they obviously don’t see him as a threat,” Prentiss notes to you and Morgan as you walk back to the SUV.

“Looks can be deceiving,” you say, opening the back door and getting in.

“Don’t we know it,” Morgan says, sliding into the driver’s seat. He begins to drive back to the BAU as you continue to discuss the case.

* * * * *

When you get to the office, Hotch is in his office with a woman, so you all go to your desks to wait for him to be done. When the woman walks out, she notices Prentiss and makes a beeline for her, giving her a hug. They exchange pleasantries as you notice Hotch watching from the behind the window of his office, a solemn look on his face. Swallowing, you decide to go let Morgan and Prentiss fill Hotch in, and you head to Garcia’s office to see what she’s doing.

“This is impossible,” you hear Reid say before you enter the room.

“What’s impossible?” you ask.

“Finding this kid with how little we have,” Reid explains.

“It’s not impossible,” Garcia insists.

“There’s nothing in the juvenile offender records,” Reid argues.

Garcia shrugs. “So you think like a high school kid.”

“I was twelve, and I hadn’t been through puberty when I was in high school,” Reid tells her.

“Don’t look at me,” you say. “I was a loner who ate lunch in the computer lab.”

Garcia sighs. “Okay, reset. I think like a high school student. You guys think like profilers.” You both nod. “He said he was a junior, right?” Reid nods. “Okay, so the first rule of the teen years— when talking to an authority figure, always lie and say you’re older. He’s probably a sophomore.”

“Okay,” Reid says. “His coat was lamb’s wool, but it didn’t look vintage. It… fit like it had been tailored to him. That means money.”

“In DC, money means private school,” you add.

“Even a lie has to be within the depth of your own experience, right?” Reid asks.

“Fair enough, fair enough,” Garcia says, nodding.

“Uh….” Reid thinks for a second. “Pull up the district that serves Northwest High.” Garcia begins typing. “Are there any private schools within those boundaries?”

“Uh, three,” Garcia says.

“Do any of them offer elective courses at Georgetown?” Reid asks.

Garcia’s computer beeps. “One. The Morton School.”

“Pull up the junior class,” Reid says.

“Sophomore class,” you correct. Garcia smiles and begins scrolling through the pictures of students as Reid looks over her shoulder.

“Wait wait, stop. There,” Reid says, pointing.

Garcia blows up the picture. “Nathan Harris.”

“We got him,” Reid says, sounding surprised.

“I’ll go tell Hotch,” you say. “And Garcia? You’re awesome.”

“You know it,” she says, smiling at you as you exit the room, heading for Hotch’s office.

You knock on the open door before stepping inside. “Hotch? We have a name.”

He stands up from his desk chair. “Great. I’ll have Gideon and Morgan go with Reid to talk to him. You stay here with Prentiss and JJ.”

You nod. “Got it.” You walk back to your desk and sit down, sighing. You turn on the computer at your desk and begin researching more crime statistics while you wait.

* * * * *

When Gideon, Morgan, and Reid get back, Nathan Harris and his mother walking behind them, they bring Nathan right to the interrogation room while JJ takes his mother to a conference room. You head to the observation room to watch the interrogation.

“Nathan, if you didn’t do it, how’d you know the details of the murder?” Morgan asks.

“‘Cause I saw the body,” Nathan answers. “It was early. It was before school. She-she was dressed in red. She’d been stabbed a lot, and her hair was all chopped off.”

“Where was that?” Morgan asks, leaning on the table as Reid sits in the chair across from Nathan.

“In an alley off of K Street,” Nathan tells him. “They take men down there for sex, I see ‘em do it all the time.”

“What were you doing down there?” This time, it’s Reid who asks the question.

Nathan shakes his head. “I don’t know, I just sort of… end up there sometimes, you know? I-I-I stay out all night, and I just come back in the morning, and if my mom’s at work, I don’t even bother coming home.”

Reid sighs. “Why didn’t you call the police?”

“I don’t know,” Nathan says, shrugging.

Morgan takes a breath. “Nathan, the prostitutes I talked to say you watch them.”

“I’ve never touched them,” Nathan insists.

“You fantasize about having sex with them?” Morgan asks.

Nathan sighs. “No, I told you, I think about killing them.” Morgan and Reid share a look. “Look, after the lecture, I saw you at the metro stop a few times, and I thought maybe you could help me.”

“How?” Reid asks.

“I don’t know,” Nathan answers. “I saw that body and I felt excited and that really scared me.”

“Is it possible that you actually killed those prostitutes, but you just don’t want to admit it to yourself?”

“No,” Nathan says with finality.

“Then why’d you run away from me?” Reid asks.

“‘Cause… I don’t know, I thought you’d say I was crazy and there was no way to stop it.”

Morgan and Reid look at each other again before standing and exiting the room. You walk over to them.

“Wow,” you say.

“Yeah,” Morgan says, sighing.

“What are you gonna tell the mother?” you ask.

“I want to hold him overnight,” Morgan says. “Just in case.” He walks up to where Gideon and Nathan’s mother are sitting. They stand as Morgan approaches. “Ma’am,” Morgan starts, “we’d like to let the juvenile authorities hold him overnight so we can do a psychological evaluation.”

Nathan’s mother looks at him in shock, shaking her head. “I can’t believe this is real.”

“Well, right now it’s just an evaluation,” Gideon tells her. “I’d encourage Nathan to have a lawyer present.”

“I don’t know what he’s going through, but the Nathan I know is a sweet boy,” Nathan’s mother insists.

Reid nods. “I believe you.”

“Do we have your permission?” Gideon asks. Nathan’s mother sighs and nods.

“I’ll show you where to sign the paperwork,” Reid says, walking away with the mother just as Prentiss comes over.

“The juvenile authorities are waiting for Nathan Harris,” she tells Gideon.

“He’s in interrogation,” Gideon says.

Prentiss nods. “Is he our unsub?”

Morgan shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t think so,” you chime in. “I think he’s just scared of his mind.”

“He says he didn’t do it,” Morgan adds. “He actually seems sincere. But he’s a smart kid. And part of the sexual-sadist profile is the ability to mimic honesty and sincerity.” Morgan shrugs and walks away.

“Well, I’m going to go bring Nathan to the juvenile authorities,” Prentiss tells you.

“I’ll come with you,” you say, walking next to her. “Not like there’s anything else for me to do.”

She opens the door to the interrogation room and steps inside. “The police are here for you,” she tells Nathan, who nods and stands. The two of you escort him down the hall.

“Dr. Reid?” Nathan says as you approach Reid and the authorities.

“Yeah?” Reid says. Prentiss nods at you and walks away. You move to stand next to where Garcia is sitting on the corner of Reid’s desk.

“I know I, um, don’t deserve any favors,” Nathan says, “but whatever my psych eval says, you promise you’ll tell me the truth?” Reid nods. “Uh, my mom says a promise doesn’t count unless you say it out loud.”

Reid chuckles. “I promise.”

Nathan nods. “Okay, thank you.” The juvenile authorities escort him out of the room.

“You know,” Garcia says, “he might’ve killed two women. It’s not your job to hold his hand through this.”

Reid sighs. “It’s like with my mom. I used to think that is I could just understand absolutely everything there is to know about schizophrenia, then I’d somehow be able to fix it.” Your heart hurts for him.

Garcia smiles sadly. “You can’t.” She opens her mouth to say something else, but is interrupted by Hotch.

“Hey guys, I need everybody in the conference room. If Nathan Harris isn’t our unsub, we need a working profile.” You nod and follow him to the conference room, sparing a sad glance back at Reid. When you get there, JJ is standing in front of the TV screen, which is displaying pictures of the victims.

“DC Police sent us these photos of the first victim,” she says as you take a seat next to Prentiss.

“This was the unsub’s first kill,” Hotch says as JJ flips through the photos on the screen. “He held his urges in check for three months, and when he couldn’t control them anymore, he sent this message to the police.” JJ clicks to the picture of the second victim’s carved belly. “We know the ‘HELP’ and the hesitation marks mean he was ambivalent about the kill. What we don’t know is why he chopped the hair.”

“It’s weird that he didn’t take it with him, right?” you say. “Means it’s not a trophy.”

“It’s probably a way to minimize some of their power, robs them of their femininity,” Gideon says.

“That fits with him killing during the early morning,” Reid notes. “It’s the time when prostitutes have the least power sexually as opposed to the night, when he might see them as being on the prowl.”

“Hey, I know we’re just spitballing this here, but this profile points to Nathan Harris,” Prentiss says.

“I don’t wanna talk about Nathan Harris,” Hotch says.

“She’s right, though,” you say.

Morgan nods. “He reached out for help. This is an adolescent kid. He’s probably intimidated sexually. I don’t care how many times he says he didn’t do it, he knew about the last victim, and he admitted to getting off on seeing her dead.”

“We’ve got Nathan Harris. It doesn’t do us any good to talk about him now,” Hotch insists. “I just wanna make sure that if it’s not him, we stay on top of this thing before it takes on a life of it’s own.”

“All right, all right, all right, all right,” Gideon says. “We know our unsub is a sexual sadist.

“The symbolism of stabbing them probably means that he’s impotent,” Prentiss adds.

“The only way he can get off is by killing,” Morgan says.

“Considering that cutting their hair and killing during the early morning, both stem from feeling powerless, there’s a chance his pathology’s more than sexual,” Reid says.

“What do you mean?” you ask, frowning.

“This is DC. Power’s the most important commodity,” Reid notes. “Maybe this guy feels impotent in his professional life, as well.”

“But why these particular women?” Morgan asks.

“Simplest answer is that he has access,” Reid answers.

“Well, Northwest DC has three major hubs of prostitution— near Florida Avenue, off Logan Circle, and McPherson Square,” JJ tells you, drawing up a map of the area with her remote. “Where the victims were found.”

“Probably works in or around Capitol Hill,” Gideon concludes.

“Well, I’ll go back out on the street in the morning and see if any of these women know someone who fits that description,” Prentiss says.

“I’ll come with,” you say. She nods.

“Good,” Hotch says. “It’s late. Let’s go home.”

JJ frowns. “Um, shouldn’t we get word out to the papers?”

“Not yet,” Hotch says.

“Well, it’s not too late to make the morning edition,” JJ reminds him.

“I said no,” Hotch says firmly, turning and walking away. JJ shares a look with you as you follow him, going to your desk to grab your things before heading home.

* * * * *

In the morning, you and Prentiss meet up at the BAU before driving together to the area you spoke with the women yesterday. When you get there, a new alley is taped off with yellow crime scene tape.

“Looks like Nathan Harris isn’t our unsub,” you say as you exit the SUV. You and Prentiss cross the crime scene tape and find yourselves faced with the body of the girl you talked to yesterday. A new word is carved into her stomach.

“‘Failure,’” Prentiss reads. “You think he’s talking to the police?”

You shrug. “It would fit with his last message. A failure to help him stop killing.”

Prentiss reaches down and takes out the victim’s wallet. She sighs, shaking her head. “She was only sixteen.”

Morgan, Reid, and Hotch walk up behind you. “He’s getting angrier and blaming the police for not stopping his impulses,” Hotch says as Morgan crouches down next to Prentiss.

“Certainly not cooling off between kills anymore,” Reid notes.

“Which means we’re looking at a whole lot of bodies,” Morgan says solemnly.

“Meanwhile, in two days, Congresswoman Steyer’s gonna stand up at the Capitol and declare Washington crime-free,” Hotch says.

“That seems a little premature,” you say.

“Hey, what did she want with you the other day, anyway?” Prentiss asks Hotch. You try to make eye contact with her to get her to drop the question but fail.

“It was a private conversation,” Hotch says, his voice short.

Prentiss nods. “Right, of course. I’m sorry.”

“Well, this just confirms Nathan Harris isn’t our unsub,” Morgan says.

Prentiss nods. “Y/L/N said the same thing. Should we call Gideon and tell him not to bother with the eval?”

“No,” Reid says. “He wants to understand what’s happening to him. He deserves to know.”

“Probably a good thing to go through with it, anyway— see if we have anything to worry about in the future,” you add.

Hotch nods. “Let’s head back to the office. There’s nothing left for us here.”

*   *   *   *   *

Back at the BAU, you sit down at your desk as Hotch turns to Prentiss. “Can I see you in my office for a second, please?” She nods and follows him up the stairs as you grimace, figuring he’s still upset about her asking about his meeting with the Congresswoman.

You fidget in your seat as you wait for her to exit Hotch’s office, fighting the urge to look in that direction. When she does come and sit down at her desk across from you, she’s frowning.

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think it was about you,” you tell her quietly. “He’s been weird ever since the Congresswoman talked to him in his office the other day.”

Prentiss sighs, leaning back in her chair and stretching. “I don’t think he trusts me.”

“He will,” you assure her, frowning. “And I know that for a fact.”

She chuckles. “Oh, you do, do you?”

You shoot her a grin. “From another universe, remember? I know things,” you say with a wink, gesturing to yourself.

“Don’t remind me,” she tells you, smiling. “You’ll give me an existential crisis every time I remember I’m just a character in some TV show.”

Laughing, you shake your head. “The way I look at it is that the creator of that TV show was just able to somehow see into this universe and just thought it was an original idea. Does that make it better?”

She nods contemplatively, chewing her bottom lip. “That does make sense,” she says slowly. “At least, as much as any of this whole situation makes sense.”

*   *   *   *   *

The rest of the day drags on, and right when you’re about to leave for the night, Reid gets a call from Nathan Harris’ mother, telling him that Nathan isn’t in his room. You volunteer to go with Reid and Morgan to look for him.

“He’s gotta be out here, right?” Reid says from the passenger seat as Morgan slowly drives down the streets where Nathan had said he watches the prostitutes, looking for the boy. “Where else would he be?”

“No, I agree,” you tell him, peering out the window of the SUV to see if you can spot him.

“I still can’t believe his mother’s not out here searching for him,” Morgan says.

“I told her it’d be better if she waited for him at home,” Reid says.

Morgan glances over at Reid. “Reid, you know this is not your responsibility.”

“It is,” Reid argues. “I-I can’t explain.”

“Well, maybe just try,” you say.

Reid sighs. “He knows I understand him.”

“Of course you do, you’re a profiler,” Morgan says.

“No, it’s more than that,” Reid tells you.

“How so?” you ask.

Reid is silent for a moment before answering. “I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind.” No one says anything for a minute before he decides to change the subject. “What’s up with Hotch today?”

Morgan chuckles. “I don’t know. Maybe he tied that knot in his tie a little too tight again.”

You and Reid laugh. “Funny,” you tell Morgan, still smiling. “But seriously, I was just talking to Prentiss about how he’s been off ever since his meeting with that Congresswoman yesterday.”

“Isn’t she the one who introduced that anti-crime bill a few months ago?” Reid points out.

“You know what, I think you’re right,” Morgan says.

“If so, it makes sense,” you say. “She probably heard that we have a potential serial killer in DC and wants it kept quiet so it doesn’t look like her initiative isn’t working.”

“I—” Morgan starts to say something but is interrupted by his phone ringing. He flips it open and puts it to his ear. “Yeah.” There’s a pause. “Okay. We’re on our way.” He closes his cell phone and sighs, glancing at Reid. “They just found a body.”

“At night?” You frown. “Either the unsub is devolving, or….” You don’t finish, but you’re sure they both know what you mean: or it was Nathan Harris.

You’re at the scene in less that two minutes since you were already in the area. You follow Morgan and Reid up the steps to find the victim lying in a pool of her own blood, a dark red spot on her abdomen greatly contrasting with the white fabric of her dress. Gideon is already there, looking down at the body.

“I’d say he’s getting bolder,” Morgan notes.

Gideon glances at him, frowning. “If it’s the same unsub.”

“Think it could’ve been Nathan?” Reid asks.

“This kill was fast and messy,” Gideon says.

You motion towards the victim’s head. “Her hair wasn’t cut.”

“No message carved,” Morgan adds.

“Not to mention killing at night.” Gideon shakes his head. “None of it’s our unsub’s signature.”

An officer comes up the stairs behind us. “Excuse me, Agent? They found the boy you’re looking for.”

You, Morgan, and Reid move to follow the officer. He leads you down the stairs and across the street to a church. “Says he’s been here four hours,” he reports as you all step inside. You spot Nathan sitting in a pew. He doesn’t turn around.

Reid moves to sit next to him. “You had a lot of people worried.”

“Sorry,” Nathan says, slowly looking over at Reid.

“Told that policeman that you’ve been here four hours?” Reid asks carefully.

Nathan sighs, looking down at his lap. “I snuck out, and I started walking, like I couldn’t control it, so… I figured I’d come here and try and fight it.”

“Has anybody seen you here?” Reid asks.

“It doesn’t matter, anyway,” Nathan says, shaking his head.

“But it does matter, Nathan. A woman was stabbed tonight, and nobody saw you.” Reid pauses. “I’m gonna have to bring you in as a suspect.”

Nathan doesn’t react, seeming resigned to the outcome. “You gonna cuff me?” he says finally, looking at Reid. Reid turns his attention to Morgan, who slowly takes out his handcuffs and hands them to Reid.

Reid takes the cuffs, standing. “Let’s go,” he says to Nathan quietly.

Nathan stands and holds out his hands. “Do you wanna know what I’ve been doing all night?” Reid hums in response, placing the handcuffs over Nathan’s wrists. “Just been sitting here, thinking… the only way for me to save people’s lives in the future… is to kill myself.”

Reid doesn’t answer, instead leading Nathan out the door and into the back of the SUV.

* * * * *

After you, Morgan, and Reid drop Nathan Harris off at the police station, you head back to the BAU. Reid goes straight to the coffee machine and makes himself a coffee. You and Gideon wait for him before making to walk back to your desks.

“So, Nathan’s in custody?” JJ comes up from behind you and walks beside Reid.

“They’re holding him downtown,” Reid tells her.

“You really think he killed that last woman?” she asks.

“It’s possible….”

“But…?” JJ prompts.

Reid sighs. “Nathan’s evolving. This last kill, it feels like a devolution.”

“It was sloppy and angry,” Gideon adds as he starts up the stairs to the conference room. “Nathan’s smart and directed. He’s used to achieving. If he decides to kill, it’ll be clinical and efficient.”

“So where does that leave us?” JJ says.

Gideon sighs. “Back to the profile.”

You all take your seats around the table in the conference room, the rest of the team already there. Hotch clicks the remote, pulling up a picture of the first victim. “First victim, he gets a taste for killing,” Hotch says before changing the photo to show the second victim. “Second, he asks the police to help stop him. By the third, he feels like they’re failed him. He’s already devolving. The fourth, no ritual, no message. Just a brutal murder.”

“It’s true that he’s devolving, but this last victim definitely had a message,” Gideon counters. “You don’t dump a body across from the Capitol building by accident.”

“Especially not when a Congresswoman is about to proclaim success against the crime epidemic,” Prentiss adds.

“Exactly,” Gideon says.

“Guys, that press conference wasn’t announced yet,” JJ points out. “Only someone with inside information would know that.”

“We profiled that the unsub felt impotent in his job,” Reid says. “What’s more powerless than being a bit player on the Washington stage?”

“You know, if he felt like he did his part to clear the prostitutes off the street, but was never heard, he might have felt so personally betrayed that he literally had to carve his frustrations out on those women,” Morgan says.

“So you’re saying the profile was right,” you say.

Reid jumps in. “Exactly, we were just wrong about who the message was for.”

“We need to get a list of anyone who advocated on behalf of that bill,” Gideon says.

“Prentiss, Y/L/N, when you two went back to talk to the prostitutes, did the profile ring a bell with any of them?” Hotch asks.

“A couple described what sounded like it could be the same man,” you say.

“We tried showing them mugshots but we came up empty,” Prentiss adds.

Hotch contemplates the information before nodding. “Let’s go back to them. We’re gonna need their help.”

“What are you thinking about, Hotch?” Morgan asks.

“I need to get a message to Congresswoman Steyer,” he says.

“Well, a press conference announcing that DC has a serial killer would be the easiest way to do that,” you say. “She’d be pissed.”

Hotch nods, looking to JJ. “How quickly can we put a together a press conference?”

JJ smiles. “How fast do you need it?”

“Tomorrow morning is fine,” Hotch tells her. “The rest of you can head home for the night. We’ll continue this tomorrow after the press conference.”

*   *   *   *   *

The next morning, you find yourself with Reid in Garcia’s office, trying to narrow down the list of suspects.

“Garcia, can you search people who are involved with research or advocacy groups dealing with crime control or prevention?” Reid asks.

Garcia types away at her keyboard. “I’m gonna need a little more than that.”

“The lower the group is on the Washington food chain, the better,” Reid adds.

You nod. “This guy feels like he’s not being heard, and he’s targeting prostitutes, so definitely check the groups with a theme centered around morality or values.”

Garcia sighs, shaking her head. “Okay, reality check. What you’re looking for— needle. This? Haystack.”

“Garcia, we don’t have to find it,” Reid says.

You frown. “We don’t?”

He shakes his head. “We just have to get to the people who can.”

Garcia continues typing. “Okay, I’ll let you know once I have something.”

“Thanks, PG,” you tell her, patting her on the shoulder as you walk out of her office and go to your desk. You notice Hotch’s press conference playing on a TV in the corner of the room.

“May I have your attention please,” Hotch says on the TV as he steps up to the podium, JJ at his side. “A day from now, there will be an announcement across the street on the steps of the Capitol that crime is down significantly in Washington. This is a fact. It is also a fact, however, that there’s a serial killer who’s been targeting the prostitutes who work in this area. In fact, the last victim was found not a hundred yards from where we’re standing. We’re here today to let you know that the police and the FBI are working tirelessly on this case.”

“We’d like to stress to the woman who work on these streets to please take caution,” JJ says. “All right, first I’m going to give a brief description of the man we’re looking for, and then we’ll take some questions. We believe the man responsible for these crimes works on or around Capitol Hill, possibly at a research or advocacy group dealing with issues of crime control or prevention.”

Your attention is drawn away from the TV when you notice Prentiss walking into the room, followed by the women you interviewed who recognized the profile. You stand and make your way over to her, saying hello to the women as they’re lead to the conference room. Reid is already there, standing off to the side. You all sit down around the table, and you and Prentiss make small talk to ease their nerves.

After a few minutes, Hotch leads Congresswoman Steyer into the room. “That was fast,” you mutter to Prentiss, who stands to greet her.

The Congresswoman ignores Prentiss and turns to Hotch. “Just what point are you trying to make?”

“These women described similar experiences with the same man,” Hotch says. “We showed them police mug photos and they didn’t recognize him. We thought maybe you might know who he is.”

Congresswoman Steyer rolls her eyes. “Did you think you could shock me by treating me to this sideshow?”

You clear your throat as the woman across from you glares at the Congresswoman. “Sideshow?” she scoffs.

The woman to her right shakes her head. “Lady, enough of the men you work with treat themselves to us every day.”

The Congresswoman, to her credit, has the grace to look apologetic for her outburst. “My apologies, ladies.”

“Could you please tell the Congresswoman who it is we’re looking for?” Prentiss asks politely.

“He’s tall and bald, and he’s got sad eyes,” the first woman says.

“He was always wearing a turtleneck with this long, dark coat,” the woman all the way to the right says. “Looked like a mortician.”

The second woman nods. “That’s right. Hung around just watching for months before he finally got his nerve on. But then he just wanted to watch.”

“Freak paid me and Racine 200 bucks to turn each other’s knobs,” the third woman adds. “But then he started screaming at us that we were just low women.

“Same thing with me,” the first woman reports, “and his voice got real high and nasal when he got excited.”

“Does that sound like anyone that you know?” Hotch asks the Congresswoman.

She looks at Hotch. “No.”

Reid steps forward. “I’m gonna read you a list of groups that lobbied on behalf of your legislation. Keeping in mind the description you just heard, tell me if anyone associated with these groups could be the man we’re looking for. Uh, The Crime Policy Institute, The Center for Safety, Citizens’ Brigade, Decency Watch, um—”

“Oh my God,” Congresswoman Steyer says, interrupting Reid.

“So, Decency Watch?” you ask.

“The man who runs it,” the Congresswoman says.

“Ronald Weems,” Reid says.

“Do you know him?” Hotch asks.

“No,” the Congresswoman says, then shakes her head. “I-I mean, yes, but he’s a nobody.”

Prentiss takes a step forward. “But he fits this description?”

“Perfectly,” Congresswoman Steyer says with a nod.

You and Prentiss share a look as Hotch turns to the prostitutes. “Thank you for your help,” he tells them.

“We can go now?” the middle one asks.

Hotch nods. “That’s all we needed.” The three woman stand and begin to file out of the room as Prentiss leads them out.

You turn to the Congresswoman. “Congresswoman Steyer, I can walk you out.”

She nods. “Thank you.” You nod in response, escorting her to the elevator before returning to Hotch.

“So, what’s our next move, boss?” you ask.

“I’m going to take Morgan and Gideon to Weems’ residence, see if he’s there. You stay here in case he’s not and we need to look for him.”

You nod. “Got it.” You head back to your desk and sit down to wait.

* * * * *

Less than an hour later, your phone rings. The caller ID tells you it’s Hotch.

“Was he there?” you ask.

“No,” he says. “I need you, Prentiss, and Reid to head to the area the bodies were found and start looking. We’ll meet you there.”

“Will do.” You close the phone and slip it into your back pocket, rising from your chair. “Reid, Prentiss, we’re up,” you tell them, both looking up at you from their own desks.

About forty-five minutes later, you’re out in the night, holding a picture of Ronald Weems up to everyone you meet.

“Have you seen this man?” You ask a homeless woman. She shakes her head so you move on to the next person and ask the same question. You make your way down the street as Prentiss makes her way up it, doing the same thing. When you meet up, you look to her hopefully, but she shakes her head.

“Damn,” you say. “Me either.” You both turn to head down an alley to your right, where Morgan is asking another prostitute.

“Nothing?” he asks you.

“No, you?” Prentiss asks. He sighs and shakes his head.

“Well, he’s gotta be out here somewhere,” you say as the three of you make to exit the alleyway. Suddenly, you hear a whistle blowing. You spare a glance at Prentiss as you all break into a run.

As you run up to where Hotch has his gun pointed at Ronald Weems, one of the women you talked to on the first day of the case runs up to Weems, pulling out a can of mace and spraying it into his face. Weems yells in pain as Morgan pulls the woman away.

“He killed my friend!” she yells, struggling against Morgan.

“I know he did, stop it!” Morgan says as Hotch cuffs Weems, who’s kneeling on the ground.

“She maced me!” Weems exclaims.

“Yeah, she did,” Prentiss says, her hand on her gun. You snort.

“They said they’d clean ‘em off the streets,” Weems says as Hotch leads him to the police car that just pulled up to the curb, siren blaring and lights flashing. “They lied! What was I supposed to do?! I had to do something!”

Hotch forces Weems into the backseat of the cruiser, shutting the door and cutting off Weems’ tirade. With the unsub in custody and nothing left to do, you and Prentiss start walking down the sidewalk in the direction of your SUV.

*   *   *   *   *

Back at the office, you sit down at your desk to finish up some paperwork before you leave for the night. You’re almost ready to go when Garcia walks up to Reid at his desk, followed by Nathan Harris.

“Hey,” she says, gesturing over her shoulder at the boy.

Reid stands as she walks away. “Hey,” he says to Nathan.

“Hi,” Nathan says, holding his arm nervously.

“I heard the juvenile authorities let you go today,” Reid says. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Nathan shakes his head. “Mm, it’s all right.”

Reid looks around the room. “Where’s your mom?”

“Oh, she had to go back to work. I told her I was coming to see you.” Nathan sighs. “So, were you there when they caught him?”

Reid nods. “Yeah, I was.”

“Did he say how long he knew what he was?” Nathan asks.

“No,” Reid says, shaking his head.

“Do you think it’s possible for me to maybe talk to him or….”

“I’m sorry.” Reid shakes his head again. “You’re not him. Who we are is— it’s constantly evolving.” He chuckles. “I’m a lot older than you, and I-I’m changing all the time. You know, this-this job changes me. You’ve changed me. You sought me out to try to understand how not to harm people. That’s a far more important part of who you are than the one that scares you.”

Nathan looks down. “My mom wants to… have me go to a hospital for a little bit.”

“Maybe that’s not such a bad idea,” Reid suggests.

“You know, once they lock me up, they’re never gonna let me out of there,” Nathan says sadly.

Reid chuckles. “You don’t know that.”

Nathan shrugs. “Whatever. I just came to say goodbye.”

“When you going in?” Reid asks.

Nathan swallows. “Supposed to be tomorrow. So last night of freedom.” He pauses. “I don’t know, I— thank you for caring.”

Reid shakes Nathan’s hand and Nathan turns to walk away. You stand and pat Reid on the shoulder. “You did good with him,” you tell him.

“You think so?” he says with a frown, watching Nathan walk away.

You nod. “I do. And I think you may have saved some lives in the process.”

Reid gives you a small smile. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” you say. You fight back a yawn. “All right, I think I’m gonna head out. See you tomorrow.”

“‘Night,” Reid says with a smile as you walk back to your desk and shut off your computer, grabbing your backpack and walking down the hallway to Garcia’s office to say a quick goodbye.

You’re almost home when your cell phone rings. You groan and answer it. “Please do not tell me we—” You’re interrupted by Garcia’s panicked voice. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. What’s wrong?”

“I, uh, I was with Reid, and we were gonna go hit a bar, and he got a phone call, and now we’re with Nathan Harris because he slit his wrists and I—”

You curse, turning your car around. “Okay, okay, Garcia, just breathe. I’m on my way. Where are you?”

She gives you the address in a shaky voice. “There-there was just so much blood and I— oh God, Y/N.”

“It’s gonna be okay. I’m assuming the ambulance is there?”

“Yeah, they, uh, they just got here. I-I’m gonna call Morgan, okay?” she says.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” you tell her. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Within fifteen minutes, you’re there. You step out of the car and walk over to the ambulance, where Nathan is laid out on a stretcher. You spare a minute to ask the paramedic how Nathan’s doing before you step away to look for Garcia. You spot her off the side and immediately go up to her and wrap her in your arms.

“Oh, Y/N,” she says.

“Are you okay?” you ask, leaning back to examine her. Her hands are stained red with blood, a bloody towel held tightly in her grasp.

“It was horrible,” she says, her voice shaking.

“Garcia!” You turn around to see Morgan jogging over to you. “Baby Girl, are you all right?”

“She’s shaken up, but unharmed,” you tell him as he pulls her into a hug.

“How did she know to call Reid?” Morgan asks her after a minute.

Garcia takes a shaky breath. “Nathan set Reid’s business card on the table before he cut himself, like a suicide note.”

“The paramedics say you and Reid saved his life,” you tell her softly.

Garcia glances over at the ambulance before quickly looking away. She sighs. “He didn’t want us to save him. He kept telling Reid to let him die.”

“He’s sick,” Morgan tells her, rubbing her arm.

“All I keep thinking is what if he eventually kills someone,” she whispers. “What if someone dies because we saved him?”

“It wouldn’t be your fault,” you tell her firmly.

“Profiles can be wrong, you know,” Morgan points out, though he doesn’t look convinced.

“And if it’s not, then we’ll find him and catch him,” you say. “Now come on, let’s get you home.”

You and Morgan walk Garcia to her car. Morgan tries to convince her to let him drive her home, but she refuses, not wanting to leave her car, which you come to learn she’s lovingly named Esther. Morgan settles for following her home to make sure she gets there safe, and you wave goodbye and head back to your car, finally ready to go home and sleep.

NOTE: If you think I missed any trigger warnings, please let me know!

[adventuresinanarchy]

unordinary ramble

ok so i recently got back into unordinary and i'm just a tad bit fixated on it, aka i reread all of the episodes within 3 days

first of all WHY ARE THERE BARELY ANY FICS IM GOING MENTAL

second of all i only have two coins on webtoon. i can't wait six days i'm gonna get withdrawal

onto the actual unordinary part

so in that one episode there's like the papers with remi, blyke and isen's info and stuff and there's like spots for relatives and we learn that blyke has three unnamed relatives and i believe isen has four and i AM SO CURIOUS ABOUT THAT

i know we probably won't see them anytime soon but how come we get remi and sera's siblings but not the others :( i know leilah and rei both have major importance but i think it'd be cool if we had some silly younger sibling mentions here and there

also i am OBSESSED w/ isen. like back when i first started reading i was too but i just love him sm i dont know what it is i just need more isen content so badly

ALSO IN EPISODE 39, it's said like sera meets w one of her father's business partners for an intership at NXGEN

one of her father's BUSINESS PARTNERS??? like that has to be relevant right right

(ep 305) i really hope elaine doesnt go into a villain arc :( like i get how she feels since she's just there for healing and i didnt really like her at the beginning but she's so sweet i hope she doesn't like go insane

that is all thank you tumblr

[inkofamethyst]

January 28, 2023

K so I’m back from the interview weekend and I’ll write a bit more about it tomorrow, I think (I need to write up things I learned + my own thoughts first tonight (most of the bits in this “entry” are mini blurbs I wrote over the past couple weeks lol)) but FIRST OF ALL on the morning that I was flying out for this past weekend’s event, I literally received an email from a faculty member at my “top” choice saying that they were starting interviews and I was invited to one with him!!!  Don’t know if it’s going to be a panel or an individual one but GAH that’s CRAZY.  I’m literally so happy.  Kinda funny how my first interviews are with two of the top schools in the US but that’s just how the cookie’s crumblin.  It does mean that I’m going to be talking to people from institutions other than my own (three in total) every single day next week.  Five out of seven responses in a month.

Anyway, one thing I’ll say about this weekend’s event is that all of the prospective students were just so lovely and wonderful.  There were few enough of us that we all managed to get to know one another pretty well and I’m really looking forward to seeing where they end up!!!

I put all my assignments into a new Notion Page (I’ve been using the same basic template I made two years ago though and might try to find a cuter one), and it’s crazy how little I have to do (as written on the syllabi) compared to last semester.  Partly because last semester had required/suggested readings for literally every class and I put my bio readings into Notion even though I almost never do STEM readings.  It should be such a lovely little mental rest.

I think I need another mini sugar detox.  Not entirely sure if I’ve become dependent on sweet things to get me through the day, but I think I need to majorly cut back.

I wonder if journaling so consistently for four years has had any impact on my academic writing.  I mean I’m certainly as verbose as I was in high school (perhaps a bit more so, now).  But it’s hard for me to say whether writing almost daily has made me any better at it because I’ve got such a terrible habit of doing things last minute.  I dunno.

I watched the first episode of Accused with my dad when it aired and while I really really loved the episode (no spoilers ahead I promise), I think watching it the day after a similar event occurred once again in the US was... a lot.  Heartbreaking in the most awful of ways.  Reminded me of Black Mirror in more ways than just the fact that it’s an anthology.  Everything from the music, the suspense, the cultural conversation that’s perhaps a bit exaggerated in the way that fiction should be sometimes to get us talking.

Incredibly thankful that the question is no longer “if” I will get into a PhD program but rather “where” I will attend (yes, yes, I know I’m fixating on this one topic to be happy about but I gotta grab the Happy Feelings by the throat and wring them for all they can give sometimes).  For months, I’ve been feeling guilty when thinking about what the future could bring.  I’ve been feeling guilty when I thought about decorating an apartment or buying kitchenware or taking bioanth classes or even exploring a new place because I couldn’t be sure that I would even have the opportunity to do any of that (and I fully recognize that it was an unhealthy mindset but uhhh.. yea).  But now I know with relative certainty that it’s at least within the cards.

[mixelation]

So, I only started watching it because it autoplayed after I was watching something else. I left it on because a year or so ago, I was debating between reading three popular manga: JJK, Demon Slayer, or Chainsaw Man. I picked JJK and didn't like it, and a couple of IRL friends said that of those three, I'd probably like Chainsaw Man the best. I'd seen a couple complaints about how women are written in CSM, but TBH they weren't in depth or prevalent enough that I took them very seriously. It's a Shounen Jump manga. Even comparatively well-written women are often lacking. Plus, sometimes people just complain about how female characters are written just to be complaining, you know?

I think (based on 8 episodes) CSM is better written overall than JJK. I'm not frustrated by poor worldbuilding and I can follow what's going on. But JJK (based on 93 manga chapters and a handful of rando anime episodes I watched with my bother over the winter holidays) seems to have more respect for its female characters.

CSM so far has four named female characters. Three of them have been objects of the main character Denji's sexual fixation (and the fourth one is so anxiety-riddled she's failed to do anything but fuck up so far, and also states she's only working as a demon hunter because her only other option was being a sex worker). The sexual fixation by itself doesn't automatically turn me off-- the Denji is just a horny teenaged boy. It's not my favorite character attribute to give someone, but it's common. Realistic. However, all three of these women's reactions to this are..... uncomfortable?

Makima, Denji's boss, is intentionally leading him on in what is probably a move for manipulation and control. She makes a bunch of sexually charged comments about keeping Denji as a pet in episode 2, which almost made me just turn the whole show off. She gives him weirdly physical advice on sex and intimacy. She tells him she'll have sex with him if he kills the Big Bad. She takes a chupa chup lollipop out of her mouth and sticks it in his. "Adult woman controls OP teenaged boy with promises about sex" is an uncomfortable trope over all, and I don't feel like the anime treats this like they understand it's uncomfortable. Like, I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it's not treated like Denji is falling down a horrible and cruel spiral of manipulation, and that makes me go hmmm.

Himeno, Denji's coworker, offers to kiss anyone who kills the devil on their job of the day. She later gets drunk and follows through, then brings Denji come with her and attempts to sleep with him. She strips down to her panties and a cami and her boobs suddenly get bigger and perkier. There doesn't appear to be a real point to any of these things, which is why this one bothers me the most. Hmmm.

Power follows the trope of "horrible gremlin demon inhabits body of hot girl." TBH I do kind of like this trope, because I like horrible gremlin ladies. I mostly enjoy Power. However, there's a whole set of episodes where she tells Denji he can feel her boobs if he helps her get her cat back, and she ultimately follows through on it. This one bothers me the least, because it's not her original idea (she makes to offer because Denji talks about wanting to cop a feel), and her attitude towards everything is bizarre and nonhuman. It could almost be an actual piece of characterization about her relationship with her stolen body and her understanding of human socialization. I did notice they started over-animating her boobs when she goes to let him do it, but this turns out to be because she used a padded bra. This could almost be written off as a joke about fanservice. But in the context of everything else, it's difficult to read this scene in good faith. Hmmm.

Oh! Also, there's three explicitly female-coded devils. One is Power, one is a giant leech who's upset Denji killed "her man," and one is a Fox demon who enjoys partnering with handsome human men. I understand that last one is rooted in mythology, and would be fine on its own. Most of these (except maybe whatever the fuck the thing with Himeno was) aren't inherently bad when considered in isolation. But together they form a definite pattern, and it's annoying.

EDIT: Okay, so, I wrote this post half way through watching episode 8, which turned out to be a turning point. From the second half of episode 8 and beyond, the writing of women inexplicably gets better. I think probably because we start to see them doing things WITHOUT horny teenaged boy Denji around? More female characters are introduced, Makima turns out to be terrifying, and Himeno [SPOILERS] which is unfortunate but also her thing bothered me the most. I was disappointed to find there are only 12 episodes. Maybe next time I have to wait in a very long line I will read the manga.

i've been watching chainsaw man and the way they write women is.... hmmm. hmmm

also the way they say chupachup (the candy) is. uh. hmmm

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries. (2)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These chronicle the time right before I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist (March) and when I started medication (antidepressants) for my depression / fatigue.

NOTE: These don't contain any long thoughts, literally just mood observations. But I think it does a pretty good job at showing just how inconsistent and sudden mood episodes / switching can be, and why they're so debilitating for trying to live a normal everyday life. I added some gifs / pictures for rando visuals LOL. Truly complete the reading experience 🤪.

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

...

March 27th, 2021

Slept: 4am. Woke: 4pm

Mood: 2/10 Energy: Neutral (Maybe a 2/10)

I just feel empty. Like I need to go hibernate/go back to sleep. I’m not hungry. I’m not particularly motivated, and I kind of wish my sister would sit down and watch Hannibal with me and my mom, so it bums me out that she continues to put that off/ignore it.

I’m tired, man. It’s 8:21 pm, and I’m already thinking about going back to bed. When my family hangs out, I can be mindless and just let their good mood and entertainment take over. Other than that, I don’t feel particularly interested in doing anything, though I know I should. I have things to do. I don’t even feel bad about not doing anything. Just empty. Just ready to sleep.

March 28/29th, 2021:

:(

NOTE: Visual reference of what I looked like during this time

March 30th, 2021:

Bed: 6:30 pm. Woke: 4:30 am

Mood: -1/10

My mood can be directly related to how many gluten free brownies I’ve eaten today. (Thee ONLY thing I’ve eaten too might I add.) (it’s 5pm)

…

[Started taking meds]

Tuesday July 6th 2021 (6:03 pm) (12th)

NOTE: The number next to the date is the number of days since I started taking medication

took meds (YES)

I was kinda so depressed from the doctor’s visit and loss of money that even with the meds, it couldn’t stop me from sleeping. LOL.

Thursday July 8th 2021 (12:10 pm) (14th)

took meds: yes

I had enough energy to watch [my niece]

I had enough energy to have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday July 13th 2021 (19th)

took meds: yes (4:44 pm)

I feel so tired…fatigued….

Thursday, July 15th 2021 (21st)

took meds: yes (2:47)

Slept four hours

Overall energy: 3/10

Mood:4.5:10

Napped for three hours, had dinner + caffeinated tea and I feel shaky-awake.

Bruh I did not sleep (for the 16th) at all 💀💀💀.

Friday, July 16th, 2021 (22nd)

took meds: yes (12:06pm)

Haha going to bed right after I took my meds 😛🤷

Friday July 23rd, 2021 (31st)

took meds: yes (11:12 am)

This week idk. It’s been weird? Like tired and then also hyper fixated on nonsense =DD.

Why (2:40 pm) am I so tired? Don’t want to do anything.

(Currently Saturday morning, 6;22 am and I can’t sleep. I’m NOT tired. But I want to sleep.)

This is the WORST.

Saturday July 24th, 2021 (32nd)

took meds: 7:21 pm

I feel wired and tired and just like I can’t do anything even tho I have the energy to

Sunday July 25th, 2021 (33rd)

took meds: yes (11:26 am)

I know I woke up at 8pm today, but man I really don’t want to do SHIT. (And after drinking that nasty ass fiber supplement, I’m feeling tired =o. When will this insanity end?)

Tuesday July 27th 2021 (35th)

took meds: yes (10:04 am)

Mood (10:07 am): 7/10

Energy (10:07 am): 6.7/10

Wednesday July 28th 2021 (36th)

took meds: yes (4:23pm)

Literally went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 4:15 pm. Wtf? (I slept 16hrs LOL)

Mood (6:03 pm): 6.5/10

Energy (6:03 pm): 7.2/10

Today was a good day, I got more work done than yesterday :)).

(3:19, Thursday am): laid down and tried to sleep but now I feel more awake than ever.

Thursday July 29th 2021 (37th)

took meds: yes (4:29 pm)

Went to bed last night at 8am, woke up at 4:33 pm. (I hate not being able to fall asleep. Is it because I slept for 16 hrs the previous night? #sucks.)

Mood (7:44 pm): 7.5/10

Energy: (7:44 pm): 6.4/10

Friday July 30th 2021 (38th)

took meds: yes (8:15 pm)

I almost forgot to take them today ahhhhhh

Mood: 6/10

Energy: 6.7/10

Saturday July 31st 2021 (39th)

I have plenty of energy (I haven’t taken my meds yet) and yet I feel like I’m going insane. I. Can’t do anything right. Why why why why why must I continue to be a failure? I had something good going for me wtf is wrong with me? I don’t want to wake up anymore

Took meds: yes (11:44 am)

(Slept till 9pm, it’s 8:22 am Sunday and I’m still awake. But on the plus side I’m not careening dangerously into another mental breakdown.,,yet)

Sunday August 1st 2021 (40th)

took meds: yes (12:17 pm)

I haven’t slept yet today

General mood: hmmm 5/10 (12:18pm)

I do feel a little tired but that’s probably because I’ve been up since 9pm.

Generally tho I’m feeling pretty okay. (Guess we’ll see how the rest of today goes lol.)

[Prev] [Next]

[lacrimosathedark]

I have made some DC posts that people actually show interest in (and most of them seem to like with...one exception) but I know a not insubstantial portion of DC fandom watches the Young Justice cartoon, and I don’t. I have no intention to change that in the near future. But because I Have A Problem and constantly feel the need to explain myself for things, I’m going to do that.

Before that, DISCLAIMER: I am NOT saying the show is inherently bad, nor do I think anyone is dumb or wrong for liking it or even preferring it to the comics. It’s just not MY thing.

If you are sensitive to people not liking things you enjoy, seriously, don’t read this. I’m not attacking anyone, this is all my personal opinion and preferences.

So!

Reasons I Don’t Watch Young Justice

1. I suck at watching things.

Honestly my biggest reason. I was that kid in school that everyone was like “you haven’t seen [supposedly culturally iconic or currently popular movie]?! Seriously!?! That’s insane! You HAVE to!”

AND THEN I DIDN’T

A big part of that is my brain is Dumb. I have Inattentive-Type ADHD. This means my brain is very bad at focusing, especially on things I’m not like, super fixated on (and even then, I often overwhelm myself). So I’m not good at sitting down and watching things, even when I AM interest.

People have been telling me to watch and/or read Lord of the Rings for pretty much ever. GUESS WHAT I’VE NEVER SEEN

I loved Supernatural, as shitty as it could be. I haven’t watched every episode in any season past season 6.

I have had lists of anime and video games I want to watch. Still haven’t.

I’ve been recommended books (and I’m generally better at reading than watching) that sound awesome that I STILL have not picked up.

I have been intending to watch Moon Knight, which I actually really want to watch. Guess what I haven’t done.

2. My brain seems to like comic books more.

I didn’t get to have comic books as a kid just because it wasn’t a big thing where I lived so my exposure was limited. However, there’s a crossover exposure that my brain liked.

I grew up loving anime, and read a lot of manga. I also grew up playing Spider-Man video games. And then, I also grew up watching the old Teen Titans cartoon.

All these kind of combine into a certain predisposition towards consuming media in a certain way.

3. It doesn’t mesh with my comic experience.

I, like I presume a good chunk of other tumblr users, got into comics because of ThePandaRedd from TikTok. He is just so fucking funny and it drew me in. And if you don’t know, a lot of his content is Bat family related. So, that’s what I was drawn to. Growing up with the Teen Titans show, I was also lowkey predisposed to an interest in Robin anyway.

I quickly learned all I could about all of Batman’s many kids (because wtf my guy). To do that, I started watching comic videos on youtube, reading wikis, finding comic book pages on tumblr. I eventually grew to love all of them.

But I learned about and almost immediately fell in love with Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and Cassandra Cain.

Why does this matter to my point? Well...

4. That’s not Young Justice.

The show is called Young Justice, but like...that’s not Young Justice. That’s basically the Teen Titans.

I have seen clips of the first episode. I don’t remember all of it, but three characters I distinctly remember being present for the formation of that Young Justice was Dick Grayson, Wally West, and Roy Harper. In comics, they were never Young Justice. Those three specifically founded the Teen Titans with Garth and Donna Troy. Like???

Young Justice in the comics is formed by Tim Drake, Superboy (later named Kon-El and Conner Kent), and Bart Allen. Not long after they add Greta Hayes and Cassie Sandsmark and on and on but like, those three boys are at the center. So much so that them, along with Cassie Sandsmark, are known as the Core Four among the fandom. And they are all intimately close friends and those relationships actually mean a lot to me.

Just a glance at the wiki makes me just...my skin is crawling. Kon joins the team with Dick, long before Tim is on the team. Ugh.

Kon dates Miss Martian, which...I don’t know much about the Martians and Kon is a flirt but like...the other characters he’s usually closer with--ugh.

Tim dates Cassie??? Without the influence of losing Conner??? And also idk does he date Stephanie? Because Tim and Steph are like, a big thing and tbh the only more intimate relationship Tim has is with Conner effin Kent, and I know Steph is in the show. (Also for a show that has a bunch of queer stuff, why does my duck boy not have a boyfriend of any kind? I know Bernard is super recent but he’s been like queercoded forever so like where is it?)

Speaking of that relationship, where is it? Even in a platonic sense, because Kon is consistently borderline obsessed with being Tim’s friend. Tim is probably the most important person to him; throughout especially the Teen Titans run Kon relied on Tim for emotional support and put a lot of faith in him. Tim literally lost his goddamn mind when Conner died. Like, he tried to bring Steph back with a Lazarus Pit. Okay, kinda fucked, but it’s happened. But when Kon died, Tim changed his costume to match Kon’s colors, tried to clone him, and “dated” his ex-girlfriend (who had, at the time, literally joined a cult who had hoped to bring Conner back). Um??? And then when Kon came back, Kon’s support made a huge difference in Tim’s shitty mental health. And the second time they met after Kon came back, Tim threw himself at Kon to hug him. And Conner refused to accept anyone but Tim (Damian specifically, but also Steph) as Robin. To him, Tim will always be Robin (and he will always be Tim’s clone boy <3). These two are a pair, platonic or otherwise, and that they aren’t so close in this show is upsetting to me.

Bart at least doesn’t appear before Tim does but he’s still seemingly not close to the rest of the “Core Four” and that just makes me so incredibly sad. I mean, points for making him not straight I guess but like...those friendships are really important to him. Like, Kon has historically been almost like his mom-friend, making sure he’s taken care of even when Bart is doing everything to avoid his issues (not that Conner’s much better at that, but yknow). The newer Young Justice comics, Conner totally mom’s Bart. He full names him (”Bartholomew Allen the Second! Don’t run away from me!” literally all that’s missing is his middle name and a scolding “young man”), and grabs some of his favorite snacks for when he wakes up after he passes out. And he also immediately called Tim because from the beginning there’s been the joke of the co-parenting Bart. And another point to Conner relying on Tim and just UGH.

And y’know, if they’re just gonna do Teen Titans, where are Vic and Raven and Kory? Like, I’m glad they had lesser known Titans like Karen Beecher and Mal Duncan but like...idk. I personally grew up with them, and if you’re gonna have Beast Boy, I feel like Cyborg and Raven kinda come with that package. And Starfire comes with the Raven package. Just my personal feelings there.

Small note since I mentioned my other beloved Bats: I know very little about what’s happening with them, but Cass is Cassandra Wu-San and Jason seems to still be brain-dead. Like, pre-Lazarus Pit brain-dead. Like I just...don’t know.

5. Artemis unreasonably pisses me off.

Prefacing this with, she’s not necessarily a bad character (I honestly can’t judge that with what little I know). This is honestly mostly because my brain is dumb.

First of all, it takes my brain several jumps to figure out who someone’s talking about when they talk about her.

“Y’know, Artemis.”

“You mean Artemis Grace of Bana-Mighdall, badass redhead Amazon, archer and ax-wielder,  and Jason Todd’s bestie/former girlfriend?”

“No, the blonde archer, in Young Justice.”

“...You mean Cissie King-Jones, Arrowette?”

“No, from the show.”

“...Oh.”

And then she’s paired up with Wally West apparently. Which unnecessarily gets under my skin.

Look, the only person I can see Wally with other than his wife Linda is Dick Grayson, and that is really because he seems just as obsessively protective about both of them. I cannot imagine Wally without either of them, and tbh the idea of him not have Jai and Irey makes me so fucking sad. Man would do literally anything for his children. I know he’s dated other girls before Linda, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

In that same vein...

6. Zatanna

I know she’s implied to have...been with Dick Grayson in the show. In general, who can blame her, it’s Dick Grayson.

However, in the show, she’s around Dick’s age.

In the comics, she was childhood friends with Bruce Wayne. Those two are best friends. They sort of almost dated for a while. I may be wrong, but I think Z may even be a little older than Bruce.

And that just really freaks me out, okay? It puts me off. My brain doesn’t want to compute that her age is different than it is in the comics.

(Also I’m a fan off her on-off relationship with the lovable chaotic fuckboy that is John Constantine.)

7. What the FUCK is going on with Roy Harper? Also Cheshire and Lian.

Like, there’s like, three different versions of him or something? And the “real” Roy isn’t even Lian’s father? Like, this is things I’ve just learned from vague clips and they make me irrationally frustrated.

As for Cheshire, I know she’s played to be sympathetic in the show, to at least some extent. Which isn’t a problem.

But I don’t like her.

She did, at one point, truly love Roy. She genuinely loves her daughter probably more than anything in the world. She is, arguably, the best mother she could be given the circumstances.

That being said, this is a woman who loves what she does. She revels in her job as an assassin. She enjoys the taunting, the fighting, the killing. She finds amusement in seeing people fall to her poisons. And as much as she loves her daughter, she would not give up being an assassin to raise her.

Jade Nguyen is an awful person in my eyes and that cartoon won’t change that.

I’m also not invested in that Lian.

Every clip I’ve seen of cartoon Lian looks nothing like any version of Lian I know and love. Like, the closest is Kingdom Come Red Hood with her long red hair, but her hair was distinctly curly and she looked like Jade, according to little Lian. Then there’s little Lian, black haired, clearly Asian girl, being raised with numerous superheroes and knowing Navajo traditions, sweet and clever and brilliant and whose favorite color is red. And then there’s Shoes, who while many don’t like her mostly due to her amnesia, I do. Blue hair and usually blue lipstick, seemingly temporary (or at least inconsistent) tattoos on her neck and arms, one of Catwoman’s Alleytown Strays and upcoming vigilante Cheshire Cat. Clearly clever, already a hacker, wears a red baseball hat (like Roy!) and fishnets (like Dinah!) and all around a ‘fuck you’ attitude while still being a sweetheart, very much like Selina.

The overall white-looking brown-haired girl in pink I keep seeing doesn’t click as Lian to me. That’s not the girl I adore. And as of late, Lian has been really important to me.

I don’t know if that’s even everything, but I felt I had to get it out of my system. Particularly about Artemis. I really don’t know why that makes me so upset but I don’t like it. At All.

Sorry, my content, aside from maybe a jokey reblog, will never be about the Young Justice cartoon. I don’t intend to bash it, but I’m not gonna watch it, and comment much on it either. If that’s content you want, you won’t find it here.

[skullitonin]

Okay.. Hear me out on this. I personally think Eddie Munson is alive and this is how they could bring him back. Plus this is a mind dump too so sorry if my thoughts are all over the place.

(I am not in denial as i think this theory brings up a lot of points and hints throughout season 4 that hint at Eddie returning even though he was set up to die.)

Spoilers for Season 4 Volume 2.

One point I see people bring up quite a lot is why did Eddie died to the demo bat and Steve lives? I don’t think this is a very good argument to make as Steve was attacked by maybe three or four Eddie was attacked by a huge swarm of them. I know that doesn’t help the point I’m making but the duffer brothers were asked by an interviewer “How lethal do you think being bitten by a demobat is?” They responded by saying “I wouldn’t worry about the bats thing, that’s more my thing. I have this thing where I’m worried about bats. I was just fixating on bats at that moment.” (Notice how they say plural)

They’ve basically confirmed that demo bats cannot kill and looking at their design their teeth and claws look too small to cause any major injury. I know that blood loss is an option but looking at the demobats designs it looks like they wouldn’t even be able to puncture any vital organs and it also confirm that they don’t have illnesses or carry disease so infecting Eddie wouldn’t be possible. It is possible however to faint from losing blood so your body can heal itself while you are in a more unconscious state of mind. Especially if they have been animal attacks in real life that are worse than a swarm of bats and people have survived from that.

I would also like to point out the fact that Eddie isn’t being attacked by any bats while he is dying because the bats die due to vecna being set on fire and shot by Nancy, Robin and Steve. So his body would have enough time to go into a state of shock, cause him to pass out and at least heal his wounds quicker while he’s not using any energy. Just think of the attacks characters have survived that are worse than Eddies.

I have seen some people also try and point out the fact that apparently Eddie legs have been chewed up to the point you can see bone. This can be disproved because you see his legs both move when Dustin attempts to get him up and it’s just a mix of debris, bat remains and the shine of his combat boots. Also if they were chewed up then I have no doubt that the Duffer brothers would have added in a shot of them to further drive home the point that Eddie cannot stand up after Dustin attempts to get him help. There are also a few pictures of Joe Quinn in the costume he was attacked in after the attack and there are no prosthetics or areas of green/blue screen on any of his body, further proving my point.

I would like to point out the tape Eddie holds up when they’re talking about music in eddie‘s room at the start of Episode 9 (?). It’s an Iron Maiden tape. Their mascot is also called Eddie and he is basically an undead zombified character who they use for all of their promotions and does have a striking resemblance to Eddie Munson and also Vecna.

I would also like to add that in 1986 Iron Maiden brought out an album called Somewhere in Time and the song titles on that album seem too convenient of a parallel to not mention. “Caught somewhere in time” “Stranger in a strange land” and “The loneliness of the long distance runner” are the ones that stand out the most. If you also look at the album Art to the right of Eddie (Iron maidens Eddie) There is a black spray painted poster with “EDDIE LIVES” sprayed in white paint.

Also the Michael Myers mask that Max gave Eddie could also signify him coming back because the premise for the Halloween franchise is Michael Myers can’t die and can regenerate and the only two characters that have worn or had anything Michael Myers related to them is both Eddie and Max. Both characters who would be very critical condition but also have time to heal from their physical wounds with no harm coming to them. (That’s just me speculating though and I could be wrong)

Another point I would like to make is the fact that the song “when its cold, I like to die” by Moby plays when Eddie is saying his goodbyes to Dustin. I know at the same time Max was dying in Lucas‘s arms but I couldn’t help notice both of those things happening at the same time, to the same song that played when Joyce and Hopper found Will in the upside down back in S1. Might have been a call back but I think the Duffer Brothers are smarter than that. The song also played just before hopper “died” in season 3. I’m sure if that intention wasn’t meant for Eddie too then they would and easily could’ve split both scenes with Eddie dying first and then seeing what happened on Max, Lucas and Erica’s side while this song played separately and Eddie had his own death song. But they didn’t do that..

Music also has a very powerful meaning in the franchise too. I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie survives, went into shock and his body slowly started to heal as he was in a relatively safe place when he fought the bats. Plus his trailer in the upside down wasn’t directly harmed either. It was just a gate so he still has some type of shelter to crawl to if he wanted to make a full recovery.

I hope everyone can see the parallel of someone being killed in the upside down and that song playing because at the point where Will was found, he had a very very very light pulse and Dustin didn’t check Eddie‘s wrist or neck for a pulse as far as we know. I know the duffer brothers wouldn’t skip over this, especially with a character as cautious and calculated as Dustin and a beloved and well reputable character like Eddie. I just hope the duffer brothers stay away from the trope of bringing a well received character in and killing them and try to change things in season 5 with Eddie coming back.

Moving onto Joseph Quinn and what he has said in interviews up to this point. Joseph Quinn has stated multiple times that he would love to be back in season five and him and Joe Keery have been thinking of ways they can bring Eddie back. One of the ways Quinn would like Eddie brought back is through a series of flashbacks or by Vecna tormenting Dustin with the thought of Eddie as that is now Dustin’s trauma point. I think they could bring in Eddie to play the part of Kas, Vecna’s right hand man who ultimately betrays him or Vecna could use Eddie as a puppet (Hint Hint.. master of puppets. Also.. in D&D Vecna has the power of necromancy as does 11 as shown by when she saves Max.)

This is how I think they could bring back Eddie and also characters who have died in the past. (Also driven from Noah himself as he hinted at the possibilities of bringing character back from the dead in season 5.)

I would like season 5 to go FULL Dungeons and Dragons on us. Billy was used as a physical puppet by Vecna in season three and we know it’s Vecna’s doing because he sent the physical form of the mind flayer to destroy the star court mall. That didn’t work but Max got away twice now and Vecna is going to be fucking pissed. I want Vecna to pull out all of the fucking trauma of every character. I want him to use Alexei to torment Joyce, Hopper and Murray, I want them to bring back Eddie as a puppet or even the embodiment of Kas the Bloody-Handed to torment the hellfire club and possibly use him as a threat over Hawkins making Eddie clearing his name, that much more of a possibility and I definitely I want him to bring Billy back to further torment Steve, Max and Lucas. Barb coming back to also torment Nancy and Robin would be awesome as nancy still feels guilty about her death as Robin was Barbs friend too.

The fact that Vecna shaped the mind flayer and used it to possess Billy‘s body is such a vital plot point that I don’t doubt they wouldn’t use it again. I think it would be cool for them to also give these characters are proper goodbye. For example if Billy died again then Max would have a proper heart-to-heart with him before he died because she never got that and he had so much to say as he had an awakening type moment of clarity before his death when he saved 11. Same with Eddie, same with Alexei, Barb, Bob and hell even Brenner to further torment 11 for what she did to Vecna. 

I know it would look like a cop out to re-use these same characters but it is the last season and I know the Duffer Brothers will pull out everything they had to make this the LITERAL end game of the stranger things world and wrap up the cult of Vecna campaign our loveable metal head started and was a apart of.

I think everything I have mentioned is too coincidental for the duffer brothers to write Eddie off as just another side character who dies. Especially looking at the monetary side of things where everywhere I have looked hellfire Merch seems to be everywhere. I don’t see how they can see how well received a character is, kill them off and continue to sell the Merch without thinking that people are riot over Eddie‘s death and possibly stop buying.  I’ve also seen people threatening to cancel their memberships if Eddie dies and if they stick to their word then this is going to have a pretty decent hit on Netflix and the Duffer brothers.

I do wholeheartedly believe that Eddie Munson will make a return!

[thunderheadfred]

🤚The Second Worst (Pt. 1/?)🤚

Part 2 of my Shigaraki Thesis Headcanons. HC's // The Second Worst: 1 - 2

The half-mad ghost of Shimura Tenko is in love with you, and your life is about to become a tragic wreck. -- AKA here's when I gave up on bullet points and went off the fuckin rails

I'm self-conscious about writing so much, so uhhhh, please be kind, hahaaa. This is rather long and involved. Are these still even HCs or just a self-indulgent AU outline? There are some mysteries we may never solve.

This is on AO3 now, if you prefer reading there. Anyway. Minors do not interact.

- - - - -

You met Tenko before the League existed.

Believe it or not, there are a million ways it might have happened, but in the end: you were both bargain-binning in Akihabara.

You reached for a copy of a collectible bullet-hell cute-'em-up (near-mint! CIB!!!) and accidentally bonked hands with a complete stranger. He flinched about five million feet away from you. Ouch. You're just a nobody, quirkless and average, but you didn't think you were THAT repulsive.

(You're not. Hell, even if you were, this guy couldn't care less. He barely registers that you have a face.)

(Shigaraki is accustomed to getting in and out of this shop in seconds. He always comes in before anyone else and goes straight home. -- Is that really home? Is 'home' a real place? -- ANYWAY he's already pirated this shit, god, why does he even care? He doesn't need to be here. Father doesn't like it. Is that why he's here? Just to do something Father doesn't like? That's pathetic.)

He's had at least ten complete internal arguments with himself before he so much as looks at you.

You know in the tenth of a second he actually meets your eyes... this fucker is going to fight you to the death over this game.

- - - The death match ends in a draw. He was not expecting you to know the first fucking thing about this game. Nobody knows about it, even in Japan. Who the fuck do you even think you are? Oh, no, he's still taking it. But... maybe he can show you how to play it it. He'll give you a little taste, just to make you jealous. He's got his hoodie pulled down like he's going to commit an act of terrorism. What little you can see of his face looks twitchy and messed up. If you have any survival instincts at all, they're kicking in right about now. But... why not. You're not going anywhere with this dude unsupervised, so you suggest a crowded web cafe down the street. The cafe has the necessary console... but the retro gaming booth is laughably small. The TV is about four inches across and you end up having to practically sit in his lap. You were sure this guy was a nasty fucking creep, but he's................ only mostly terrible. Way too angry, for sure. Has no idea how to have a normal, friendly conversation. Inadvertently insults you every other sentence and seems to have a deep-seated persecution complex.

You'd prefer to be mad about the awful company, but... he's obviously deprived of human contact. When it's established that you two share a lot of media fixations, he calms down and starts treating you a little more like a human being. Or at least like a fellow elite.

Wherever he came from, he doesn't seem to want to go back. He keeps pushing you to play one more level, pretending he wants to beat your score. You feel kinda bad for him. You get the distinct feeling that his life is a disaster. He looks like he's never had a full night of sleep in his life. He trips your trigger hairs in that 'is he gonna follow me home?' kind of way, but... up close, he's a lot more depressing than scary. At the very least, you want to buy him a stupidly cute dessert. Just... as thanks. For letting you try out the game and stuff. It's not a big deal, so just pick a flavor, okay? The world isn't actually that awful, y'know.

It's not even that impressive... Definitely not a great cafe. But he takes practically a full hour to eat a single slice of strawberry cake.

When the hoodie comes down. He's all shriveled and dried out, like someone left him him in the desert to die. He chews on his peeling bottom lip and nervously scratches his neck. He doesn't thank you for the cake. Which is fine. It's not a big deal. Actually, you wish he would eat faster; you feel weirdly responsible for him now.

Under all that mess he's... gorgeous? His hair is stunning: a bright, gleaming silver that catches the light. His bone structure is flawless. If it weren't for all the scars and the misanthropic slouch, he'd look like a fairy fucking prince.

You were not prepared for that. In another life he could have been a model, the type of guy who would never even look at you. But something bad happened to him. Something... very bad. Do you even want to know? You have no idea how to ask. Has anyone ever been nice to him? It doesn't seem like it. Should YOU be nice to him? You sort of want to try. - - - This becomes a regular thing. This weird little secret. You should probably tell someone when you see him, just in case you don't come back one day, but you say nothing; how the hell would you explain why you want to see him so bad? You don't know his full name. Maybe he's on a watch list. When he gives you a long string of random numbers so you can schedule meet-ups (is THAT his e-mail, really?) he tells you to just... call him Tenko. Or whatever. It doesn't matter. (He sneaks out when Father is deep in his plots. As long as he comes home on time, it doesn't really matter where he goes, right?) He brings a different game every time. He has an insane collection. Where does he get the money for all this? You know he doesn't work. God, is it drugs? It's probably drugs. Wherever these hidden gems came from, he proudly shows them off to you, like he's never had an audience before. It's sort of cringe-inducing, the way he one-ups and rubs every little victory in your face, desperate for attention.

But at the same time, you are becoming too... something...to mind. Do you... like him? He's not funny, but he thinks you are. His mouth is huge when he laughs. He seems to hate everyone but you, and you've had to earn the distinction of being merely tolerable. Still, he gets really excited about random shit like the garage kit black market and haunted dolls and the price of weed on the dark web.

And... strawberry cake. The realization hits you both at the same time when the waitress brings one piece with two forks. God, what the fuck, are you... are you dating? Quick, think. You look forward to seeing him, and don't even mind sitting close to him anymore. Sometimes you push your leg up against him just to see if he'll still flinch away... and he doesn't.

You jealously notice the way he touches everything but you: with delicate precision, one finger at a time. His large, elegant hands always have a pinky up like he's aspiring for a fiefdom, and you wonder what his skin feels like. You go home and dwell on the way he plucks flowering weeds out of the pavement in front of the cafe. The way he stands rooted to the spot as you leave, just... looking at nothing, unsmiling.

You watch his lips too much, and not just because you want to buy him chapstick. You catch him gaping at you all the time. You thought he was just creepy like that, but maybe... Yeah. I guess you are dating him. Shit. - - - Okay, so, yeah. Bringing him back to your place was definitely a bad idea. You know you shouldn't trust him, even if he is... apparently... your boyfriend? Sort of? You still don't have his phone number. So. Um. What now? You order overpriced pizza and queue up a campy horror movie. What the fuck are you even doing. You don't really think he's going to murder you anymore, but... still. Is the suburban massacre scene gonna give him ideas? Turns out, no. He doesn't like gore, even when the blood is neon pink. He gets upset. Like, really upset. Shaky and green, like he might puke on you. He can't stop scratching that scaly spot on his neck.

Tenko, are you crying? Fucking hell, did you just trigger him? Of course he has a traumatic past, it's carved all over his face. You're so fucking stupid. You don't know how to make it right. You want to hug him, kiss him... anything. But he's never really touched you, and you're too afraid to push now. It ruins the whole night. He leaves without explaining anything. Doesn't even say goodbye. He just. Leaves. Maybe you'll never see him again. Maybe that's for the best. Your chest hurts. - - - He shows up at your door a few weeks later. You haven't heard from him since that disastrous movie night. You had pretty much accepted that you'd broken up with a boyfriend you never actually had. But no. Apparently not.

This time, he’s brought his own entertainment. He's holding a boxed set of some show you're not familiar with. You're distracted by these weird little half-gloves he's wearing, like a cyberpunk hacker. That's a new look, and even if it's a bit edgelord adjacent, he makes it look cool. You tell him as much. It's the first time you've let on how attractive you find him. He's wearing a tight black shirt with a deep, deep V-neck. That's distracting too.

He clears his slender throat and doesn't look at you.

You try to apologize for before, but he's acting like it never happened. What are you even talking about? Have you seen this OVA or not? Get out of the way and let him in already. You've watched three episodes now, but you still have no idea what this stupid anime is about. You can't pay attention to a single frame. All you can think about is how his arm has crept up behind your shoulders. A few inches more and he'll be holding you. Does he... want to hold you? You lean toward him so slowly your spine creaks. One molecule at a time. After a thousand years, your head slides nervously under his chin. His arm comes down, locking you in, fingers clutching your sleeve in a death grip. Even that snobby little pinky. His head tucks down into you hair. A sharp collarbone bites into your cheek. His heartbeat is hard, fast, and irregular. There's not a scrap of fat on him, and as you wrap your arm around his stomach, you think you see a twitch in his pants. Is that just you being desperate? Or... hopeful? This is really happening. --- Soon, you learn that Tenko is a clumsy kisser. It doesn't matter; the fact that he's kissing you at all is good enough for now. His lips are dry, but not half as dry as you expected. There's a slick of menthol helping things along; he's been using something medicated on his lips. Plus, his mouth tastes like he drank a gallon of mouthwash.

All this thrills you more than a little, because it means he came here wanting to impress you. Wanting you. Full stop. Underneath that minty sting is a strange, worrisome aftertaste, like something rotten. Your brain fires off an alarm. Stop kissing him. Right now. This thing will make you sick. But his hands nervously slide over your body... and you decide not to worry about it. Instead, you kiss him deeper. He makes a sweet, startled little noise. Your brain is a fucking liar. It occurs to you he's probably never done this before.

When you lace your fingers in his and try to pull one of his gloves off, he rips his hand away.

Don't. That’s the only explanation he gives.

No need to ask if it's a quirk thing or a trauma thing. Judging by how jittery he gets, it's probably both. You remember the way his hands almost float over objects without ever holding them. Maybe his touch is dangerous. Maybe that's why his face looks like that.

Maybe you should learn more about him before things go way too far...

No. It can't be that bad. Now that he's in your arms, everything frightening about him evaporates. He's vulnerable. He's alone. He's shaking a little. Has anyone else ever seen this side of him? You want to keep him all to yourself, just like this.

So what if he has to touch you with gloves on? You've heard of worse quirk-related inconveniences.

It's okay, Tenko. Do you want to keep going?

You put his hands back on you and wait for him to kiss you again. It doesn't take long.

---

You open his pants. He's long and thin, calloused even here. Every part of him feels untouched, unloved. You hold him tight and squeeze.

It doesn't seem to occur to him to please you in return. He looks afraid. Confused. You're sure you scared him earlier with the glove thing. Is this too much? No. He gasps and leans into you. The tiniest, broken please.

He cums in your hand right away, face buried in your shoulder, his eyes wet and hidden.

I have to go, he says. Over and over and over.

It's okay, Tenko.

You know he doesn't want to.

- - - - - (oops I wrote more)

[tari-aldarion]

“all i want is to trust you”

a 4.12 episode coda inspired by this post

read on AO3

"I don't trust anyone."

Damn. Who knew four words could be such a suckerpunch. 

Buck had said it almost flippantly, talking about the treasure hunt, but the way he scowled down at his plate...

Why was Taylor the person he chose to team up with? When did Buck start trusting Taylor more than Eddie? 

Or was this something Eddie should've expected? It's not like Buck had ever explicitly reciprocated the statement of trust, but Eddie had thought...

He'd thought.....

Well it doesn't really matter what he thought, does it?

He couldn’t help the sudden fixation on those four words, that one decision, turning it over and over in his brain, feeling equal parts bitter and scared. He and Buck hadn’t spent as much time together, both of them busy or working opposite schedules. But...that didn’t mean they weren’t still just as important to each other.

Right?

Three days after Buck said those words, Eddie found himself at Buck’s apartment in the evening, still thinking about them, completely unable to get past that moment. He watched Buck gesture and laugh absently, reminding himself that he was here in Buck’s apartment. Buck asked him to come over. They still hung out, still talked.

They were fine. Just as close as before.

Weren’t they? 

“Why did you go to Taylor first?” Eddie blurted out, realizing too late that he had interrupted Buck. Buck stared at him, mouth still open from where he’d been cut off mid-word.

“What?” He asked, cocking his head and frowning in confusion. 

Eddie swallowed, regretting the impulsive question. “I was just surprised that we didn’t, uh, we didn’t look for that treasure together first...” he trailed off, grimacing at the underlying neediness in his words. 

Buck looked surprised and Eddie winced internally, wishing he had never said anything. “From what you were saying, I didn’t think you’d be interested,” Buck explained. 

Oh. Eddie breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t him, he didn’t mess it up, they were fine - 

“And I thought it would be fun with Taylor, help us bond or something,” Buck said with a smirk, interrupting his thoughts.

Eddie went incredibly still, feeling every single muscle tense all at once. “I thought you weren’t interested in her like that?” He asked carefully, unsure why the thought of Buck being interested made something unpleasant churn in his belly.

“I don’t know,” Buck looked down at the counter thoughtfully. “I’ve thought about it. She’s different now, but I think she just wants to be friends.”

Eddie tried to ignore the pulse of self-satisfaction in his chest. “I didn’t know you were dating again.”

Buck fiddled with his beer, making a face. “I’m not sure about dating,” he emphasized, “it’s such a messy thing.” Eddie nodded, leaning forward and holding out his beer for Buck to tap with his own in silent acknowledgement. Buck sent him a quick smile. “I just want to find someone and start making a real family, y’know?” 

We are your family. 

For half a second Eddie couldn’t breathe with the intensity of that thought, all the air punched out of his lungs. “The 118 is a family,” he said hoarsely, purposefully editing the thought and struggling to keep his features calm.

Whatever Buck saw on Eddie’s face had him rushing to explain. “You guys are my family,” he said earnestly, gesturing emphatically. “I just kinda want something of my own, you know? Like Maddie and Chim. They started their family. Or like- like you and Ana!” He pointed at Eddie. “You’re trying to make a family again. I want that too.” Buck looked pleadingly at Eddie, clearly willing him to understand. 

“Right,” Eddie said slowly, “like me and Ana.” He couldn’t quite understand the thought in the back of his mind that whispered not like me and Ana at all. He looked up to see an almost wistful look in Buck’s eyes. Eddie swallowed hard. “You’ll find it, Buck.”

Something flashed across Buck’s face too quickly for Eddie to catch before it turned into a sincere smile, Buck’s blue eyes lighting up like always. “You think so?”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile back weakly. “Yeah.” He suddenly felt exhausted, the feeling seeping down into his bones, like that short conversation had sapped every ounce of energy from him. He took a long swig of his beer and then sat it down on Buck’s counter definitively. “I think I’m going to head home.”

Buck frowned. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired.” Eddie stood up, slipping his phone into his pocket. Buck mirrored him, trailing behind as Eddie headed for the door. He opened it then paused, something nudging him to turn around and meet Buck’s worried gaze.

Eddie stepped forward and rested his hand on Buck’s shoulder, his thumb brushing against Buck’s collarbone. He stared at it for a moment, reminded viscerally of another time, another memory.

There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.

“Eddie?” Buck’s quiet voice drew his eyes up to meet Buck’s concerned eyes. Eddie’s heart started pounding, his thumb stroking unconsciously across the soft skin. Buck drew a sharp breath and Eddie dropped his hand suddenly, feeling like he was vibrating all over with tension. He whirled around and grabbed the door handle to pull it closed behind him before he paused, following an instinctive impulse that jolted through him.

“You’ll find someone,” Eddie said hoarsely, gripping the handle while his heart thumped so loudly, he almost thought Buck would hear it. “It’s impossible for people not to love you.”  

He fled, closing the door loudly behind him before Buck could say anything.

Not like me and Ana at all.

[palukoo]

So! @thxngam and @claudiasjeancregg enabled me to talk about that scene in Dead Irish Writers and oh boy did I run with it! 

So... the scene is super interesting for several reasons... let’s dive in...

It’s a scene that’s just women, and, by West Wing standards, several women, and you realize you’ve never really seen all the main women together without the men before that, I think. I mean, you also really haven’t seen how Donna and Abbey interact, which is why this scene is so good

The four of them actually have two scenes with this sort of thing off the top of my head-- this, and then during Zoey’s kidnapping arc with Amy and CJ trying to stop Abbey from going into the press room (though Donna doesn’t talk in that one)

I probably will bring this up again but on top of this not being a dynamic the audience has seen before, I don’t think it’s a dynamic that they’ve had before in this combination... like... 

Any group of two of them I will accept having spent some time together, though I doubt Donna and Abbey are close (partially due to the power dynamics I’ll get into later) and Donna and Amy don’t know each other well

Any group of the three of them? Not so much

Amy, CJ, and Abbey maybe, because they do say or imply that Amy knows both of them and is friends (?) with both of them before we ever see her, but... I don’t see her as being particularly close with the campaign or administration, so... (but I’m SO glad we get it here and during the kidnapping arc)

Amy, CJ, and Donna is a dynamic I adore and that I think this scene kinda opens the door for it in a lot of ways but again, since I don’t think Amy and Donna are close at all at this point and Amy’s not that close the the administration at this point, I don’t see it

CJ, Donna, and Abbey I will absolutely accept actually but not in any sort of like meaningful or non professional context. The way Donna reacts to being invited in in this scene? This is new for her

Amy, Donna, and Abbey? Nope. Love it as a concept, but nope

So the four of them? Yeah, no

Which is relevant in like. The way women get to interact on screen and like. The way women are isolated in male dominated fields

(Amy, working for the WLC, is certainly in a less male dominated subset of the male dominated field of politics, as is Donna since a bunch of the assistants are women, and I get that Abbey has a very specific and gendered position in the show, but she and CJ are both absolutely in male driven fields)

And it’s relevant because Abbey’s shifting her anger into this like, feminist framing where she doesn’t not have a point (I’ll get there) but it’s also not really the whole story at all, which is why I think it was very smart of them to have it be this group to call her on it, because from any of the guys it would’ve been... easily yikes?

The other absolutely crazy thing here is the power dynamics which I know people have talked about before and CJ even calls attention to but you’ve got like

Abbey is sort of CJ’s boss, and her friend, but the nature of their positions in the administration are weird and they’re both honestly undermined a fair amount but a lot of the admin doesn’t take First Lady/Abbey seriously, so! It’s interesting!

Not in a direct sort of way but CJ clearly has more power than Donna, and they’re also friends

Do the math on Abbey and Donna, plus again we don’t really see them interact before this

Amy sort of exists outside of this, because she’s the only one who doesn’t work in the White House, but that also like. Is a dynamic in it of itself. She also definitely has a more visible and overtly powerful position than Donna and is sort dating Donna’s boss, so?

Also Abbey used to babysit for Amy which just makes this. A lot!

So I’m gonna try to sort of break the scene up into parts and do it like that. If I wanted to make this even longer, I would start before this scene because there’s a lot of relevant context/lead up, but I’ll just mention it

Donna’s just found out she’s not a citizen which is a lot

Amy’s kind of pissed at Josh who’s kind of pissed at her

Abbey’s also kind of pissed at Josh probably, especially if she caught any of what he was saying to Amy

Abbey didn’t want a whole thing and is obviously stressed about her license

CJ’s the one who caught that the guy was recusing himself and had to tell Abbey

“Claudia Jean?” “Yes, ma’am?” “Let’s go get drunk.” “Okay” should be a master class in acting

Also relevant is Abbey choosing CJ and Amy to get drunk with for this. They’re career women in politics who are her friends and who should understand this sort of.

So they get to the residence... “Awasiwi Odinak, far from the things of man...”

Abbey instantly cuts to complaining about Jed bc she’s angry at him and in her defense only some of it is misplaced!

But like... she says “what a jackass” and CJ immediately says “I’m gonna open the wine” in a very “can we not do this” way, and Amy just... is there. Hanging out. Trying to open drawers

As a note on that there is no way Amy’s being like. Genuine there. I love how awkward she is but she’s not about to take notes while getting drunk with them. She’s being awkward and funny and avoidant and I love her (like as a random note Amy is... very rarely still)

When she comes to sit with them and sits on the arm of the couch, it’s a really interesting detail that I see as her sitting as far away from them as she can without it seeming so blatant

And Abbey keeps talking, and neither of them really respond 

CJ with the corkscrew is of course iconic and funny and I think it’s part of the reason the scene works and it makes sense because CJ’s uncomfortable in this scene. Her rambling about the corkscrew prevents her, momentarily, from being in this uncomfortable position that she’s put into so much more later where she’s thrown into the issues of Abbey and Jed’s marriage and she really doesn’t want to be because she has a ton of respect and care for both of them

What I mean by “the reason the scene works” is that it needs to keep being drawn back to funny before it can snap. It’s a very specific kind of bubbling tension, and I really like it

Abbey saying “I’m board certified in thoracic surgery” brings you back to the fact that maybe she won’t be for very long, but it’s said as a joke and moved on from quickly, so you can’t dwell on it

I describe Abbey in this scene as “erratically vulnerable” which I don’t know if that’s quite right, but I think there’s maybe a glimpse of her realizing what she’s saying here, and the specific implications in that moment, and then changing subjects immediately

And of course she asks Amy about Josh...

What I find really interesting about this is Amy’s response of “he’s... you know... he’s adjusting.”

Amy doesn’t pull punches with Josh usually, but she does here (she also seems to earlier when she tells him he’s right, but then she gets Abbey to bug him) and I think it’s because we’re seeing her talk about Josh, not to Josh

Abbey says “well let him adjust faster. Jackass.” which is again, funny, but so so indicative of how frustrated she is and how she’s taking it out because literally earlier in the episode she says to Amy and Josh something like “I still haven’t gotten credit for this (I love them and their responses of “we’ll see” and “jury’s still out” to that)

Enter Donna!

Side note on timing, Donna walking in as Abbey insults Josh vs Abbey walking up as Josh insults Abbey

Donna coming in shifts this scene a lot

For one thing, it sets up this interesting play (that feels like me being really contrived and probably is) on audience proxy, that if I get into will only complicate things so I guess... if you’re curious, ask

(Donna plays audience proxy a lot in The West Wing as they explain political concepts and whatnot, and it’s not a thing you see so much in these really character driven scenes because it becomes unnecessary and sort of clunky

But the thing is that in this scene at this point, Amy feels very audience proxy-y... I will concede that in any given scene it’s easy for me to default, in analysis, to Amy and her perspective, but she feels very much like an observer of CJ’s jokes and Abbey’s anger thus far in the scene-- it definitely shifts back to Donna after the fade out)

I also want to shout out Donna’s body language here! The way she steps in cautiously and plays with her hands as she talks is really good at showing her discomfort, and I think it’s neat to draw a parallel here between her and Amy a minute or two before. Like, seriously though, watch her hands in this scene. It’s so good

But Donna walking in this room shifts things!!

Pulls attention to the... D plot? I don’t know, it’s the B plot of the scene, but there’s a lot going on in this episode, which is funny in the context of watching it if not for Donna, and away from Abbey’s heavy plot here, like a pressure valve in that tension I was talking about. Donna looks nervous here, but everyone else seems to relax

It also makes this more of a... White House thing. Like, because Abbey and Donna specifically probably have not been friends much, it further complicates the lines between personal and professional relationships here

But let’s actually talk about the dialogue a little bit, because I think it’s really funny that she’s there looking for Amy for Josh, when Josh knows she left to get drunk with CJ and Abbey, and there’s not a second in that room where Amy is going to leave. It somehow feels shoehorned/plot device-y but also in character at the same time?

The line is “Josh was looking for Amy” to which Abbey says “She’s right here” and Amy just waves weirdly with half her hand since she’s holding her glass. Yes I know I keep fixating a little on Amy’s physicality, but it’s SO good

And then Abbey says “Where have you been all night?”

One of my FAVORITE exchanges this episode is “It’s a little tough to explain, ma’am.” “Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron?”

The way Abbey jokes about it!! It’s very specific because it’s not an “I’m moving past it so I can joke about it” it’s that she’s specifically bitter and it comes out... not hostile, but something

That’s sort of what I mean by erratic vulnerability?

Donna explaining the citizenship issue with CJ’s convenient questions is a nice break, like I said, and Amy’s “you seem pretty calm about it” gives Donna the room to freak out about it a little

And Donna freaking out about it a little gives Abbey room to be the “rational” one? Not exactly?

It’s also just a nice contrast in how they show their anxieties and it works really well for them as characters

Donna goes to leave, and Abbey invites her to stay

Which is also interesting? Since like I said, I don’t think they’re friends

But it’s also super in character because there’s something very grandiose about Abbey and it’s there in this scene. Like she... wants an audience? Even as she’s sort of trying to get away from this room where she’s forced to perform? I don’t know

Donna’s genuine excitement here is so cute

She sits even further from them than Amy had, on a chair instead of the couches

Another great exchange? “I probably shouldn’t drink, though” “I wouldn’t worry about it!”

There’s also something a little awkward and desperate about Amy’s “Canadian, huh?” like she’s trying to fill the silence and keep it from driving straight back to Abbey’s anger and identity crisis, and I just like how they play off each other here

CJ "opens" the bottle, Abbey says they'll decant it, Amy says "Now it's a party" and does the most iconic slide from the arm of the couch onto the cushions with Abbey

And then it cuts back in, and they're all boozier, especially, evidently, CJ!

But there’s something to be said, if we’re tracing body language, for Donna now being on the couch and Amy leaning into Abbey so much

With the later context that they’ve known each other since Amy was a kid, I accept it, but it’s absolutely crazy in the context of Abbey as the First Lady and Amy joining them because “you think I don’t wanna write a book some day?”

I mean, I love it either way, but it makes more sense with the retroactive context

I love love love CJ laughing and rambling about the cork and the wine and then you get another really important shift. Because Abbey seems annoyed in general but more amused than anything by CJ’s tangents before the fade out, and she’s at this point way less endeared.

Which totally makes sense, of course, ‘cause if you’re stressed and frustrated, anything is going to annoy you, including and honestly especially your friend being rambly about something completely irrelevant

I also love Donna looking around at Abbey and Amy while CJ is talking trying to make like conspiratorially amused eye contact, it’s a really subtle, human detail

Anyways, Abbey interrupts CJ to make her stop (This is another body language thing where I love how leaned back she is, how she rubs at her forehead as CJ keeps going on)

And it’s here I’m gonna start being REALLY pedantic probably

“Mrs. Bartlet, I wanted to ask you a question but I’m not sure how” “What?” 

First of all, this feels so... soft? This is actually why I’ll accept the babysitter thing

Amy playing with Abbey’s dress is so! good! Look, Amy’s so fidgety and I adore it!!

Also, I love this because Amy clearly doesn’t really want to ask, but she’s also not good at keeping quiet when something is bothering her

“Well, if the most they can give you is a year's suspension, is it...?” “That big a deal?”

Amy stops herself! Because she doesn’t want to say it! Or doesn’t know how to 

Amy never actually criticizes her in this scene, which is neat, because Amy’s practically introduced to us through criticizing Abbey. One of her first lines in the show is “[Abbey] isn’t doing enough for women” and she has lines like “I’ll keep poking him with a stick. That’s how I show my love” but in Privateers, Josh also tells her “it’s okay to tell her you disagree with her” while Amy’s refusing to go against her. It’s not inconsistent-- I just think Amy has a think about criticizing Abbey to her face, kind of, and here, while Abbey’s this upset, of course she’s hesitant at best

“Yes.” “Yes. I'm a doctor. It's not like changing your major. You of all people should...”

Abbey really says this to Amy “who has had seven jobs in three years” Gardner, Amy “and I’d [stake my job and career on a political issue] again” Gardner... “you of all people should...” Amy’s a career driven feminist lobbyist, but she’s not someone who can tie her identity to a job which is the real issue Abbey’s having, she just wants to frame it like this

I love the way Amy looks down during this, too

(“You of all people should...” makes a lot more sense, actually, after Amy loses her job because of her and Josh’s political fights over marriage incentives in welfare reauthorization)

((Also, how many times did Donna change her major? It’s not relevant, really, it just makes this an even funnier room for Abbey to say this in))

“I mean, women talk about their husbands overshadowing their careers. Mine got eaten”

She’s valid for being angry about this, but also she’s conflating things. She’s not losing her license just because of Jed

Like, it’s fair for her to hate how much of herself and her career and her life she’s had to give up because her husband is the president. I think it’s important, even with Donna’s also valid criticism here in a minute, that Abbey’s not being irrationally upset. It’s a choice she played a part in making, but it was never going to be a good choice for her, and it isn’t really fair to her, and it isn’t really any one person’s fault

And yes, I DO love how Abbey talks with her hands here. It’s that kind of grandiose thing about her

“Your husband got eaten” “My career” “Yeah, well, I’m on dangling modifier patrol” “What is your problem?”

I’m going to lose it a little bit here, because it’s really funny at face value

Like, this is one of my favorite tww comedic moments. The timing is so good. But trying to analyze this scene? Watching this scene multiple times? This is them being snippy with each other. CJ is upset here, with Abbey

(One of the things I really like about Sorkin-style rapid fire dialogue is that there’s a rewatchability where you pick up on different things each time)

CJ’s really subtle about it, which is... CJ is very subtle about her emotions a lot and there’s something similar you can look at throughout the show as a whole and also this episode in particular with the different ways that she, Abbey, and Jed learn to put on facades and deal with being very, very public people. Abbey in particular in this episode has a lot of rapid demeanor shifts, but you get the same thing from CJ going to brief in some of the heavier episodes, or, like, Jed at Leo’s funeral

I mean, really, the “What is your problem” feels way more jarring than anything CJ has said because outwardly she’s just been joking, but there’s... a tension or something? A flatness to her voice? A lack of amusement? It’s a really stark contrast to how she’s been overly amused about the cork or whatever. It’s good, and I like that Abbey picks up on it and doesn’t let it keep going unspoken

I do wanna take a second here because CJ doesn’t fully answer, I don’t think, so I wanna answer for her

A part of it is just her loyalty to Jed, too, and specifically to the president I think, and the awkwardness of being thrown into Abbey being so disparaging about that 

I also think that, as a character who takes on a lot of personal responsibility and, to an extent, guilt (less than some of the others, or at least less overtly), and internalizes a lot, it sort of bothers her that Abbey’s refusing to take responsibility here, like, at all, and that Abbey is externalizing all of her anger

The other thing is that we do unpack all of the team feeling betrayed and upset and angry with Jed and even sort of Leo during the whole MS plot, but we don’t really deal with any of them being angry with Abbey

And none of them would be, particularly, because she’s not their boss, their career, their friend, but she is CJ’s friend

She tells CJ “I wanted to be there when you were told” but she didn’t say “I wanted to tell you” (which. I could write a lot more about this but this is already too long)

And I think CJ hasn’t had any opportunity to address or unpack that

Oh, and here we see CJ refilling her own AND Donna’s glasses, meaning Donna is drinking. I would love to see the full transition between the scenes tbh

“Are you First Lady right now?” I love CJ’s sigh leading up to that, the way she doesn’t want to get into it

“What are you talking about?” “Sometimes you like to talk, and I think that’s great, but sometimes you're Abbey and sometimes you’re my boss, and I respect both very much, but--”

HOW is CJ this eloquent moments after the corkscrew monologue? 

No, but this is really it, and speaking of taking things under the surface and calling them out (wow, I did it, the whole analysis, right there...), CJ is just shining a massive light on the weird power dynamics here, and that everyone in this room other than Abbey has a really, really valid reason to feel uneasy in this conversation because of those power dynamic

“I’m Abbey.” “Yes, I agree with her”

Cutting it off right here because I love how quick they are with this. Like, it’s Sorkin, so duh, but Abbey’s hand up cutting CJ off and as soon as she’s spoken, CJ jumping in to say what she wants to

This is interesting because Amy hasn’t exactly made a point for CJ to agree with, also. Like, it’s supposed to be “is it really a big deal?” but Amy did not say that. I just think it’s neat

Also, because I’m obsessed with CJ and Amy’s implied friendship, I love this moment

“Look, they take this job away from me, I got nothing. I don't have a cat. I could get one, but I don't have one. Frankly, I'm not wild about cats. I don't hate them. I'm just not... I could learn to like them, I guess, if I...”

CJ losing the thread here again gives the scene it’s rhythm... it’s ebb and flow of tension and humor... it’s funny, to watch this, but you also kind of want to get back to the point, too

“CJ?” (with the pointed arm motion, too) “You've got a husband, children, a home and a life. And we're talking about one year of your not having a medical license.”

I think CJ is mostly being like “It’s not all you are” and sort of “stop complaining” but it’s also a step away from a point that Amy also ends up approaching, which is... First Lady is a weird position, and they do something specific with it in the west wing

Essentially, neither Abbey nor Helen wants it and it sort of becomes about sacrifice and loyalty and public and political and private life balance, but the First Lady is a public figure, with responsibilities and powers and careers, and it’s fair to on a professional level be upset with Abbey for being so dismissive about those

It’s also fair for Abbey to resent being thrust into this role she doesn’t want

“Jed got censured, and that came with no tangible penalty, and it was a banner headline, and he's having a slow nervous breakdown.”

The way I interpret this is both that she’s bitter at having to bear the tangible penalty of the two of them, and she’s trying to justify being upset at it, at the perceived injustice

ALSO, Abbey’s voice here makes me want to cry, because she sounds like she’s about to cry, and I realize half of this analysis is me saying “Yeah they were right to call Abbey out” but like. You do feel for Abbey here. You understand why she made the choices she did and why she’s upset at having made them, at being put in a position to make them

CJ looking away and almost rolling her eyes here is also really good, she’s so frustrated at Abbey just willfully missing the point 

“That’s different” “Why?” “‘Cause it is, and you know it.”

The thing that makes it different is actually, I think, basically the point Donna’s about to make. Like CJ’s close to making that same point, because the thing that makes it different is that what Abbey did is directly related to her doing her job poorly, essentially, and what Jed did isn’t, so of course she’s gonna get a more tangible penalty

“Okay, I’m First Lady again” “Okay.”

Abbey saying that is obviously a shield but also feels so vulnerable, like an admission that she can’t take it

CJ’s tone here is so good, too. Like she is backing off but the way she says it like “Okay well if you don’t wanna hear it that’s fine I guess”

Again, god, watch their hands

“You are First Lady, Abbey.” “Yes.” “And it’s not like it’s been a detour from healthcare” “No” “What, you’ve expanded Medicare to...” etc etc

Cutting in after that and keeping talking about it is... pretty bold honestly

The thing here is that Amy’s both arguing CJ’s point, basically, of like, you still have things, a career, and reassuring Abbey and being like it’s not giving you or your priorities or your identity up

It’s very smart, and it reminds me that Amy is, in very specific circumstances, really good at this sort of communication

I also love that she can list all this off. Like, of course she can, but I love it

When CJ says “There’s plenty of stuff left” I really wonder if she’s supposed to mean to list or to do but I like the sort of ambiguity there

Here’s another bit where the tension subsides, and the thing is, this is a weird sort of fake out ‘cause it almost feels like that’s going to be it, but no one has said the thing, the tension hasn’t fully erupted yet

“That’s not the point” “What’s the point?”

The point is that Abbey never wanted this, it’s not her, and god, I want to hug her

“I’m a doctor” could be a really poignant beat because that’s also the thing Abbey hasn’t explicitly said yet, or at least not emphasized, that this is about feeling like her identity is being taken away

But do they let us sit with this line? No. If they gave us a beat here, Donna’s line would feel weird on several levels

“Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, for crying out loud, you were also a doctor when your husband said, ‘Give me the drugs, and don't tell anybody,’ and you said, ‘Okay.’”

Donna has not spoken, I should point out, since before the fade to black. It makes the line really slap you in the face. Everything about this line, from timing (immediately after line before, long pause after it) to who is saying it is designed for impact, surprise

She’s also saying it very nonchalantly, half laughing. There’s a lot about her delivery that is exasperated, genuinely frustrated criticism, but it’s also just... almost playful teasing for a second in there

More on why it’s Donna saying it, though

I think you just don’t expect Donna to be... it’s not quite rude. Antagonistic at all? Beyond like lightly teasing the others? Certainly not to Abbey especially with the lead in of her being surprised and honored by being invited to drink with them

Amy criticizing Abbey doesn’t have the same impact. She’s not a main character, you’re probably gonna take Abbey’s side, really, and Amy criticizing her, like I said, isn’t new

You can’t take the personal elements out of CJ saying it. You can’t. They don’t give us a ton of context on CJ and Abbey’s friendship, but it’s very clearly deep, and CJ has also already explicitly backed off as far as this conversation

Remember what I said about audience proxy? Donna’s kinda their go to every-man, and this also is a window into how the public would feel about it. For the like, hundredth time, Donna and Abbey are not close, and she’s as close as you can get in this show, maybe, to an objective messenger for this while it’s still from a trusted, likeable main character. You have to balance feeling for Abbey with Donna’s valid point here

Also, Donna’s really good at reading people and casually calling them out/breaking things down.

(Aka being a stand in for explaining things (if it’s political, explain it to Donna, if it’s someone’s emotional shit they’re too repressed to say but you want the audience to get anyway, explain it through Donna. This isn’t criticism, I exploit the second often in my fic)

See also: her and CJ in No Exit, her and Amy about Josh in Commencement

(Donna doesn’t actually look at Abbey like at all as she’s saying this. She’s mostly vaguely looking down or looking at Amy. I don’t know what to do with that, exactly)

Abbey’s stare here!! It’s... shellshocked. Because I don’t know that she really has processed like, no, this was your mistake too, you did have agency in this, etc, bc she’s been using the anger as a defense all episode

Amy’s face is comical here, which I think is mostly not expecting that from Donna (which is the point) or from anyone to Abbey. Based on their relationship, there’s probably some base defensiveness on Abbey’s behalf, but I also think, and this is more headcanon, that like this is a position Amy’s been in before

“I used to get you in some jams” “Yes you did” plus her whole vibe, I have to assume Amy’s stepped out of line with Abbey before

CJ doesn’t look surprised, because hey! She knows both Donna and Abbey well, so she can maybe see it coming more, and like I said, I think she was really about to make the same point before Abbey stopped her, kind of. She looks like she’s waiting for it to catch up with Donna

And catch up it does! She looks over, panicked, to CJ, like she’s just remembered the whole layout of power dynamics CJ articulated

“Oh my god. You switched back to First Lady” “That’s alright”

I love that the first thing Donna says isn’t an apology, isn’t saying she was wrong, she shouldn’t have said that, she’s out of line, it’s just panic

And the fact that Abbey quickly just reassures her after! It’s so good

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Bartlet” “It’s okay”

The camera staying on Abbey here is really smart, the way she shakes her head and you can watch her distracted reassurance, her processing 

Even without the “O Canada” etc stunt, I would insist, from Abbey’s reaction here, that she really isn’t upset with Donna, she’s just upset, but she does know, really, that she needed to hear that, that she’ll be grateful for it

CJ and Amy both make faces that are kind of like... quietly agreeing with Donna. Like a “Well, yeah, and now it’s been said, and that’s... a relief?” It’s good for the release of tension they finally give us

“He took the censure standing up, Abbey. I was very proud to have voted for him that day.” “Me, too.”

This is not the place for me to unpack my feelings on Amy and Jed

Her calling her Abbey here is interesting, personal, considering she’s been calling her “Mrs. Bartlet” all night and they’ve explicitly gone over the “you switched back to first lady” but I think it really works for the line

With this, it’s different, too, because it did come with no tangible penalty for Jed, but it’s still... something about integrity, maybe.

And Abbey saying “Me, too” is so gently hopeful, in a way, and it’s the first positive thing she’s said about Jed this whole time, really, and it gives you a nice feeling, like it’s going to be okay. Abbey and Jed, and Abbey just as a person

Donna looks so sort of regretful here you just want to reassure her that Abbey really, really isn’t upset with her, that she appreciates it, but it’s okay because you get the Canadian flags at the end

“Let’s get back to the party” is sort of one of the switches I’m talking about with Abbey, and you need it to move the episode along, and it wraps it all up

anyways this is an 11 page document and i’m sorry