#i think this is why he has this self-doubt and insecurity about fitting the most

[pageofheartdj]

Leo views himself and his brothers a whole package, inseparable.

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Hii!!! Your blog is literally so perfect. Love it.

Could you recommend some more angsty fics where either Derek or Stiles is really insecure and has low self esteem? Happy ending only, if that’s alright. I really appreciate it!

Aw thanks anon! There's already an insecure!stiles tag so I focused on insecure!derek.

The (Tell-Tale) Heart Doesn’t Lie by novemberhush

(1/1 I 100 I General I Sterek)

After a little gentle teasing unexpectedly hits a nerve with Derek Stiles is quick to reassure him that he knows there’s more to the handsome werewolf than just being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.

I Know the Pieces Fit by shealynn88

(1/1 I 2,700 I Teen)

“Stiles?”

It’s Derek’s voice, quiet in the dark with the low hum of the pack behind him.

Derek's the hardest one for Stiles to understand. Sometimes he thinks…but then it becomes clear, it’s not like that. Derek tolerates him. Appreciates his loyalty, at least. The way Stiles appreciates the brave hiss of a kitten. Cute. Admirable. But not equal.

And Dwell Beneath My Shadow by lielabell

(1/1 I 8,695 I Mature)

Derek is not stupid. He gets why Stiles puts up with him. It's clear every time Stiles looks at him, the spicy scent of lust and arousal Stiles's body can't help but put off. It doesn’t surprise him. Not at all. Derek knows what he looks like, knows that his face and his body are more than enough to compensate for his shitty personality. Stiles wants him more than he is annoyed by him. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not anything to be amazed over, nothing to write home about. Stiles isn't the first-- and most likely won't be the last-- hormone soaked teen who has panted over Derek.

Cliche by adult_disneyprincess (orphan_account)

(2/2 I 9,305 I Teen)

It’s cliché as shit, Stiles thinks. The nerd in love with the punk. He figures he wouldn’t want Derek Hale so much if he didn’t have those fucking tattoos everywhere, didn’t give a shit what people thought about him, and didn’t wear those stupid leather jackets. They’re not the same jacket either, Stiles has counted at least four different ones that the resident punk owns

Cross a Canyon (with a broken limb) by theroguesgambit 

(1/1 I 18,010 I Teen)

“You never graduated,” Stiles says, just to say it. To test it out in the open air. That's... huh.

--

Stiles spends his senior year battling troll-gremlins, taking on an unexpected tutoring job, and definitely not falling for a certain sourwolf (even though everyone else seems to think he is).

Defying Convention by rororowyourboat

(13/13 I 24,331 I Teen)

Stiles is a newly certified fully-trained Spark, and he's on the market to chose a werewolf pack to act as Emissary for. The biggest problem? Almost every pack in North America wants him, and he's supposed to choose a pack at the 3-day conference. But how's he supposed to get to know any of the likely candidates when they're just being so damn polite and respectful?

Derek and his sisters are at the conference with bleak hopes: their pack was decimated by hunters years ago and their caustic attitudes have turned away most potential applicants.

Rarity by peanutbutter4lyfe

(8/8 I 29,837 I Explicit)

Derek let's the guys throw a party for Stiles' 18th at his loft and instantly regrets it. During the party Derek starts acting strangely, his senses going wild. He reads the signs and thinks Scott is his mate. It drives him crazy when Scott doesn't feel the same, until he figures it out... with a little help from Peter.

Thanks for Thumper, But I Prefer Cheeseburgers by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(1/1 I 58,399 I Teen)

The wolf’s head whipped around so fast, Stiles felt like he was watching The Exorcist.

Stiles wondered if he could just stand still enough to make the wolf think he was a tree. A very bright red and jean-clad tree. He doubted it, but one could hope.

He knew it was a lost cause when the wolf turned fully, lips pulled back from its sharp teeth—so very sharp, good fucking Lord!—and began walking towards Stiles.

“I didn’t see anything!” Stiles shouted, both hands out in front of himself and sweat instantly breaking out across his skin. “I swear to you! I didn’t see anything! I didn’t see anything! I won’t tell anyone! I won’t! I’ll keep this to myself, until the day I die! I promise! I promise!”

You're stronger than you know by Littleredridinghunter

(15/15 I 234,195 I Not Rated)

Stiles survives his encounter with Gerard and his goons, but it isn't easy.

The pack are letting him down again, his dad is not speaking to him, his life is just generally falling apart.

Until he has to get a bronze dagger to kill a siren and his whole world gets flipped on it's head!

My summaries are rubbish but I hope you'll still give it a chance!

[aliceramblez]

BroZone Brothers With An Insecure S/O 😔💗

Tags: GN! Reader, Self-Deprecating Jokes, Low Self-Esteem, Abandonment Issues, Slight Body Insecurities. Fluff/Comfort.

A/N: Here we go with our first request! I really liked this idea as someone who has low self-esteem, and honestly it goes to all of y'all who think you're not good enough— cause you are! Also sorry it took a bit! I've been sick because the universe hates me 🙃

Feel free to leave a request & hope you enjoy! ^^

John Dory

At first, he doesn't really know what to make of it.

He finds it a bit strange, but doesn't question your odd sense of humor, and will sometimes even join in on the joke by saying stuff about himself, thinking it's some sort of inside thing between the two of you.

“Man, I can't believe I'm so clingy, sorry! Feel free to use me as a bad example, at least that way I won't be totally useless, haha!”

“Ha! You think that's bad? Babe, you haven't even seen me when I'm up at night just staring at the ceiling contemplating my life choices.”

It isn't until getting a good smack from Bruce and Floyd that he realizes you're actually being serious. And the prospect of that kinda puzzles him, not gonna lie.

“Look at you, tiger! Got yourself plenty of groupies already— Not surprising honestly. Don't have to worry about backups when you decide you're ready to move on, either!”

After a performance at the Pop Troll village, everyone is gushing over BroZone because of course they are. JD only barely manages to squeeze past the number of fans to get to you on the other side of the podium.

The oldest sibling looks at you in shock, and has to get closer to make sure he heard you right. “Babe, why would you say that?”

Caught off guard, you manage a nervous chuckle as you play with your hair. “I-I mean... Wow, would you look at the time! We gotta meet with Poppy and the others!”

John Dory stops you on your tracks and demands an explanation, which isn't really good for your poor heart. All you can do is kick the dirt and avoid his gaze, since that makes what you're about to say much easier to voice aloud.

“I mean... You're John Dory. You could date any troll you wanted and yet you're sticking with me. It honestly feels like a dream sometimes... And I'm scared of the day you realize you can do WAY better and decide to leave me.”

After processing this, he immediately holds your face in his hands and gives you the most serious expression you've ever seen on him. “I don't want just any random troll... I want you. You're my number one fan, and I'm yours, so don't even think about stuff like that, okay?”

After the exchange, he's always on the lookout for whenever your bad habit wants to kick in again and is ready to stop it ASAP

Spruce/Bruce

He notices it happens mostly when you're working at the cantina.

Whenever you get an order wrong, trip over your own feet or don't remember how to work one of the machines properly, you'll go into an awkward insecure flight response.

You'll say “Oops! Sorry! Clumsy Twinkle Toes, coming through!” while grinning and laughing along with the customers, but Bruce knows that it's affecting you more than you lead on.

It also happens whenever BroZone is getting ready to perform and you don't know what to do with yourself since you're “standing in the way”, despite being told multiple times that it's okay for you to be backstage with everyone else.

When he talks to you about it, you get really uncomfortable and just say that it's no big deal and that you can handle it.

“I've always been a clumsy person, so I guess that's always making me doubt myself over the smallest of things... Sorry if it's annoying.”

Bruce will then proceed to give you a huge warm hug and a kiss on the forehead as he whispers comforting words into your ear.

“Hey, I can be clumsy too! I've always been the worst out of everyone when it comes to choreography. Don't tell JD though, cause I know he'll throw a fit knowing I don't practice.”

He'll throw in other examples that may seem inconsequential to you, but you appreciate the effort nonetheless and smile and giggle through the embarrassing stories he shares.

He helps you get more confident by being there with you while taking orders at the cantina and praising you whenever you get something right— albeit in private as to not embarrass you.

Same goes with rehearsals, where he WILL drag you into the lounge area to hang with his brothers and/or Poppy and Viva when they decide to visit, too.

Overall he wants what's best for you and will try and push you out of your comfort zone, but only in a safe environment where he knows that if something does go wrong, it won't be as catastrophic as you make it out to be in your head.

You never stop thanking him for being your crutch during these times.

Clay

The moment he hears the words come out of your mouth he's completely flabbergasted.

First of all, who said those things to you? Because he swears he just wants to talk to them—

It's at a sleepover with his brothers and the gals at the Bergen Golf Course, and among the many games, snacks and movies watched, pictures are also taken.

As soon as you take a look at the array of selfies, you let out what sounds like a mix between a laugh and a sigh.

“I mean, at least it stays consistent— in photos, I look ugly. And in real life, I'm also ugly!”

As soon as those words leave your lips, Clay is at your side with an almost unreadable expression, only to snatch one of the photos from your hands. “How DARE you say that about the most attractive troll I've ever met? Shame on you!”

He then starts going around the room waving the picture around to his brothers, saying stuff like “Look how attractive my S/O is! I'm dating them!” while you're just blushing profusely and begging him to stop (even though deep down your kinda giddy about it).

After that day, Clay will do small gestures in which he reminds you how beautiful he thinks you are. Everything to outright saying it each morning, joking about it with his brothers, and even bragging about you to his friends in the Bergen Golf Course.

He's a simp and he's totally okay with that because it's you.

Clay feels like he's the luckiest troll in the world for being able to snatch someone like you since he's “the most boring and uninteresting of the bunch”, so he feels like he's hit the jackpot.

You immediately tell him that he's not boring to you and that he's the best boyfriend ever, which only causes him to smirk.

“Doesn't feel good to know the person you love feels so bad about themselves, does it?”

Finally realizing his reverse psychology, you give in with a laugh. “No, it doesn't. I guess... We can both work on that? Together?”

And so you do, and end up helping each other whenever one is feeling down in the dumps, as a sort of personal cheerleader. You truly couldn't have asked for someone better.

Floyd

You're the kind of person who's very vocal about your interests.

So it's no surprise that you have to catch yourself mid-ramble whenever you're talking about something you're either interested in or knowledgeable about. And with Floyd being such a good listener, it honestly slips your mind more times than you'd prefer.

After realizing you've been talking for too long, you turn pink in the face and start apologizing profusely.

“Sorry! You probably didn't need to hear all of that. They didn't call me ‘Chatter Box’ when I was younger for nothing! Haha...”

But Floyd could care less about any of that. He loves hearing you talk, not just because he's not much of a chatty person, but because he just finds it incredibly endearing.

He'll hold your hands in his own and give you the softest smile ever that just makes you think that it should be illegal to be THIS sweet.

“You're just so cute when you get lost in the moment like that. Besides, I love seeing you happy. By all means, I'm glad you get to do the talking for the both of us, otherwise we wouldn't get anywhere in this relationship.”

You laugh at his attempt to make you feel better and melt under the touch of his lips on your cheek.

After that, whenever you go out either just the two of you or with your group of friends, Floyd will encourage you to express yourself. He does this by either asking you a question directly or subtly incorporating you into the conversation by saying something like. “I think (y/n) knows about this kinda stuff. Don't you, love?”

Obviously this all happens with your consent beforehand, since he doesn't want to put you in a tight spot, either.

Either way, he always values whatever you have to say, since you always bring in new perspectives that maybe others didn't think about before.

He will also encourage you to be yourself and not try and match your topics of conversation with things you think other people will find interesting. You deserve to be happy by sharing what you love with the world.

Poppy and Viva are huge helps in the art of feeling confident by speaking your mind, and Floyd couldn't be happier for you.

You thank him by telling him about your day each night, in which sometimes he'll fall asleep to the soothing sound of your voice, which only warms your heart on so many levels.

“Goodnight, my prince.”

“Goodnight, my little chatter box.”

Branch

Just like Clay, this man is ready to throw hands.

Just give him a name and he'll get the job done before sunrise—

He notices that sometimes you struggle with finding outfits for different occasions, either something casual, dressy, classy, etc.

But it's not because you don't have anything in your wardrobe, on the contrary it's pretty much brimming. It's more the fact that you're not satisfied with any of them because you feel like you don't look good in them.

Branch tries to convince you otherwise, saying that you look great no matter what you wear, but you can't help but feel self-conscious in anything that isn't a good old sweatshirt.

He isn't knowledgeable in fashion (clearly) so he enlists the help of Poppy and The Snack Pack to try and cater outfits to your exact measurements, along with any other nitpicks you've had in the past with either texture or material.

I mean, Branch has backup plans to his backup plans, you think he wouldn't keep notes on what kind of stuff his S/O doesn't like— INCLUDING mundane stuff like their clothing?

He surprises you with these, and you can't help but feel attractive in them since he paid extra attending to the complaints you had from your own designs.

“I personally think you look great no matter what you wear. But if you feel so strongly about it, might as well get some stuff you'll actually enjoy wearing.” He'd said when you asked why he did it, and your heart just melted.

You vow to try and work on your self-imagine regardless, which he gets happy over and says he can't wait for you to see yourself the way he does.

[emp-t-man]

eiffel and minkowski are often perceived (either by the other characters of the podcast or its audience, but mostly by each other) as the lazy slacker who sucks at his job and the competent go-getter who’s the best at what she does, and yet neither of these things are true. i think one of my favorites of their parallels is they are both exceptionally good at what they do, and yet they both constantly suffer from doubts about their own abilities. they just have completely different ways of going about this insecurity, and that’s what creates this stigma about them.

eiffel has proven time and time again that he absolutely knows what he’s doing in his field. He’s extremely protective over his equipment, he knows exactly what to do when it doesn’t work ninety nine percent of the time, the man made two way radios from old audio recorders, for christ’s sake, not to mention the way he was able to figure out how to survive for months in the middle of deep space completely by himself. but one of his most fatal flaws is that he doesn’t believe he knows what he’s doing. his self hatred and insecurity run so deep that the moment he believes he’s not cut out for something, he stops trying entirely. he sees people like minkowski doing such a good job in their position, that when people like that tell him he’s incapable of doing the same, he believes it, because he never believed in himself, anyway. i think the most obvious example of this is after the season one finale, when he learns about the decima project. the minute he learns that being an officer of communications wasn’t his only purpose on that mission, he comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t serve that purpose at all. he resolves that he was simply an “experimental meatbag”, chosen for the mission because he had absolutely nothing else going for him. he’s so quick to dismiss his worth and his capabilities, and so he leans into this persona of a good for nothing procrastinator to avoid letting his peers down by never letting them form expectations of him in the first place. of course, he isn’t perfect, he is a bit of a procrastinator and a scatterbrain, but that’s far from all he is.

minkowski on the other hand, she’s constantly praised for all of her achievements and hard work, be it by goddard, by her students, her superiors, lovelace, and especially eiffel in the later seasons. she’s seen as strong, and resilient, and an excellent leader. but the thing is, she also constantly doubts her own ability. this can also be seen during the season one finale, where she apologizes to eiffel because she describes hera’s deactivation and hilbert’s mutiny as her own fault, because she wasn’t a good enough commander to prevent it. but the thing about her is when she starts to doubt her capability, she works overtime to try and prove herself and anyone else who may doubt her wrong, which is also unhealthy! it happens with the plant monster, when she continuously risks her own life just to prove to herself that she can have the slightest bit of control over a situation. it happens during pan-pan, where she attempts to keep the stress fractures in the station a secret and handle them on her own because she wants to be able to protect the lives and morale of her crew the way a “good commander” should! instead of giving up and saving herself the disappointment if ever she should fail, she does the complete opposite, working herself to the bone and obsessing over every detail to make sure she doesn’t fail, no matter what it takes.

now here’s the kicker— after the events of desperate times / desperate measures, eiffel and minkowski completely swap coping mechanisms. when lovelace comes to, minkowski almost immediately asks her to assume the position of commander in her place, because she thinks that the loss of lives means that she completely failed her objective and isn’t fit for the role. her stepping down is essentially giving up in her eyes, because why hold such an important position if you’re no good at it? meanwhile, in episode fifty two, after eiffel gets called out on his, while without malicious intent, inconsiderate and distasteful behavior, he completely withdraws from the rest of the crew in order to work extremely hard on his own tasks, ultimately risking his and the rest of the crew’s life in order to prove he can be useful. sounds familiar, right?

but the thing is, they’ve each already spent so much time reverting to their original way of coping, that attempting the other’s method is immediately clocked as simply being concerning and out of character, rather than establishing them as the opposite archetype of being capable or not. lovelace expects minkowski to always resort to overachieving, but not because its a way to disprove her insecurity, but because it’s just “who she is”. so when she does the opposite, that’s when she realizes something is wrong, and resorts to comforting minkowski instead of simply letting her do what she’s elected to do. hera expects eiffel to laugh off any mistake he makes and go back to goofing off— not because it’s his way of avoiding disappointment from those he cares about, but because it’s just “who he is”. so when he does the opposite, focusing solely and intently on his duties where he was so comfortable neglecting them before, she realizes something is wrong. and when he explains to the rest of the crew that his actions are only to “help the only way he still can”, they realize something is wrong, and choose to comfort him rather than simply rolling their eyes and letting eiffel be eiffel.

it is. so incredibly late at night so i don’t know if this makes the sense i want it to make but i just. cannot get enough of how much they compliment and reflect each other. they seem to have nothing in common on the surface, but they fit together so well in terms of how they operate as people and i’m obsessed with it

[isa-ghost]

amfmn missa.. p please.. please mother … feed us

I'M BEING ENABLED PPOVERHEAT

He's an actual grim reaper. That's where he's disappeared to so often in canon, reaper duties. It's a very demanding job, you know.

Doesn't stop him from feeling terrible about being gone so often though. He misses his husband and kids and hates how often he's out of the loop :(

Fr though Phil and the kids make him so so happy after spending countless hours working such a sad job. It's also partially why he sings and makes art. That brand of fun is catharsis for the soul.

He has all his canon weapons but I ALSO gave him a reaper deathscythe. And boy is he gonna use it. Fucking AWOOGA MissaSinfonia when he's angry.

Btw as a reaper he can FEEL souls. He can see their power, their condition, feel the surface level emotions and personality of its owner. This will come in handy later in the fic. ;)

As per the post I made asking for Missa appreciation so I can characterize him properly: He's undyingly loyal, he fights hard and loves even harder, he's protective, silly, and goddamn can he flirt.

All his wet cat behavior is a result of getting too overwhelmed by The Horrors. He's seen A Lot as a reaper. But somehow Quesadilla Island and all its... Everything. Always manage to show him a new brand of What The Fuck he's never even imagined before. Hence all his screaming and weeping when he's caught up on what he's missed. Like how tf else is he supposed to react??

Somewhat attached to that, he and Phil rlly were a match made in Federation Heaven bc they both have issues with self-doubt despite being insanely skilled and sharp-witted. Missa is better abt it than Phil though. His only acts up when he messes up a lot or just. Doesn't have a clue how to handle a situation where it's dire that he does. It's more of an insecurity about being unprepared and failing his loved ones than it is a doubt he has skill. He KNOWS he does, he hates when it's not enough. That's how he differs from Phil, who thinks he has none at all.

Btw when you fuck with the people he's protective over, he gets PISSED. We're getting a LOT of pissed off Missa in AMFMN <3 Ofc there'll be a lot of reaper tears too, his husband is suffering and there's little he can do about it. :( But ohohoho when the sad turns into rage. BARK WOOF. Eventually he decides EK is catching these hands and scythe.

He also shakes hands with his husband on being a self-sacrificing little shit. And. Yeah this is gonna happen later in the fic. (He's not dying dw dw)

You have no idea how excited I am that I basically get to build his dynamics with Fit, Etoiles, and Bagi from scratch. I'm so hyped. People are welcome to reply with this with any crumbs we have of their dynamics in canon but afaik they've rarely interacted outside of very minor moments, so AMFMN will largely be a sandbox for me to establish what I THINK they'd be like. Which in my fic plan so far, is largely taking each character's personality and applying how I think they'd react to a situation, and how that would look when two of them are interacting in that situation. Ex: at one point Etoiles has to comfort Missa bc he's just having a ROUGH time with this saving Phil stuff. But Etoiles is NOT a comfort guy. So he does his Etoiles thing: hearing Missa out while also cracking his usual brand of jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood.

I also have a plot point planned with him and Bagi when shit is hitting the fan the hardest and OUUGHHH. That self-sacrificing shit am I right.

God I'm being so mean to him specifically in AMFMN though. Ender King is a sack of shit, he knows exactly who to harass most using Phil's body >:/

See in my AMFMN Fitza headcanons, I said they're each other's confidants. Which IS true. However, no one in the fic gets the honor of Phil FINALLY communicating with someone about his issues other than his husband. Missa is the person he caves and confesses things to. Missa gets the HC Deity lore and what's been happening to him lately. This is actually what Chapter 3 is :D

Also I am so sorry but I'm sliding a Missa Romantic Love Confession attempt into the fic and it gets interrupted by The Horrors. But yeah Missa is romantically in love with Phil, he just respects that Phil sees things platonically. He still wants to communicate his feelings though.

[theshiftingwitch]

Holi. My sp is a guy from my university and I already knew him a year ago, I thought he was cute but nothing else. I only talked to him once, but for a course question and he was very polite. However, this year from one moment to the next I started to like him and I didn't understand why. He and I, we never spoke again since that one time, we have no friends in common, much less in networks and I know absolutely nothing about him, but his name. * I saw him with a girl, with a physical aspect very different from mine. She was kind of blonde and stuff) Back to the present * however, I started to claim that he is head over heels in love only with me. I didn't believe it at all, but I claimed only when I could and my negative thoughts were a bit stronger. The first week I started to pay more attention to him (before I didn't care what he did) but I was more attentive to him. I just got nervous when I passed him. Then I started to get confused if he was looking at my friend or me, so the doubts stayed in my mind and my friend started talking about him as if she was interested in him too, so I got sad. But I kept affirming, I only crossed paths with him a couple of times and his friends added me to talk but he never spoke to me, and he was on his cell phone, he ignored me. But then I saw him with the most popular girl in college, she is very pretty and obviously I am very insecure because I feel that I don't fit the standard of beauty or that I am not his physical type of him. Even more so when She is like the other girl I saw him with. I felt really bad, both because I saw no movement for me and I didn't understand how if I claimed that he was in love with me, he was with another girl flirting. What's more, he never talked to me or anything and I thought how would it happen. So I gave up and stopped affirming a couple of days ago, I feel really sad and I can't affirm because I'm kind of busy with my exams. But I really like that guy a lot, I feel like I left him in oblivion and I'm losing him, even when I try to affirm that he only has eyes for me. I remember his image with her. And even worse my friend told me that he was looking at her. What should I do? I don't even believe in my affirmations and I don't do them, maybe affirm two minutes a day or so. I want him to come closer to me and start something nice together. But I get depressed. Thank you so much and sorry for so much

Let me put this as bluntly as I possibly can:

I don't care if the entire female population of planet earth wants your man, if you stick to the rules, you will have him all to yourself.

I'm gonna need you to snap out of this self deprecating crap and start applying the law seriously before I slither out of this screen and knock some sense into you myself. You affirm for 2 minutes a day and it doesn't work and you're sad and he's ignoring you? Guess what, if you apply the law he won't ignore you, he won't care about any other girl, he will be head over heels for you!!!

So which outcome do you want? Because it's up to you.

Your self esteem is low and you think you're not his type? Work on yourself concept.

https://youtu.be/82HsdaAkC-Q?si=J7acMMLfYV9yCJCe

You don't like the way you look and you want a killer glow up? Work on your desired appearance!

https://youtu.be/p3t9w_2Hjio?si=ZZh5QWp2w7Lsk_8C

You want him to be obsessed with you and ignore everyone who isn't you? Affirm a thousand times a day that he wants you more than life itself.

https://youtu.be/cAFVEBnZXZk?si=IlqxOD_lxGNGtFem

At the end of the day, the girl doesn't matter. Only what you want does. So take a break, take a few deep breaths, relax , then get your head in the game.

Affirm, visualize, script, listen to subliminals... Whatever you want, just don't give up before you even start!

Happy manifesting ❤️ (a little tough love never hurt anyone)

[childofhypno]

just some thoughts from sherlock and co. Mailbag episode

honestly I did this to myself and at 3am no less.

In an mailbag episode on the sherlock and co. patreon, answering a question on their favorite musicals, John answered Les Misèrables. And being the romantic we know our loveable doctor to be, I was perusing the songs from the 2013 movie album and came across On My Own.

Sung by Èpoine about her unrequited love for Marius. And that is sad in its own regard, there's a reason it's one of the musicals most popular songs and Samantha Barks does a great job of that crushing emotional weight of being so wrapped in someone, so ultimately dazzled by them and wanting to be near them. But knowing they will not look at you the same, will not place the same value on the time and proximity you share. And that is not their fault and it is hard to love someone and desire to be close and yet have them be the source of your greatest pain and rejection, even though they may wish you no harm.

It's been hinted at and out right stated (by Sherlock) that John wants to be liked. And given what we've heard about John's last relationship (the one whereby he gained ownership of Archie after the split) and perhaps some insecurities there, insecurities in his own capabilities, comparing himself to others, its understandable to read John as something of an insecure man. Not in a toxic manner but John definitely has a lot of self doubts about himself and his place in the world and what he can offer to others. Despite him so naturally being able to attune to people and their needs and being quite bloody smart and intuitive. All round just a decent person.

And John, as much as anyone, marvels at Sherlock Holmes. This almost mythical figure. John admires Sherlock and maybe envies him on some level. I think not in Sherlock's deduction skills or specific knowledge skillsets but maybe in Sherlock's apparent surety in himself and where he is in life and what he wants from it. Sherlock is plainly himself, even if it means not "fitting in " John often tries to mould himself to what others might like, and hey, as a people pleaser, oh boy do I understand that. Almost becomes like muscle memory.

Sherlock in turn, I think admires John's social prowess. His ability to express the complexity of emotions. Just because someone doesn't emote the typical way doesn't mean they don't feel the emotions. And that can be incredibly frustrating when you want to communicate with others. Sherlock cares about people. He's interested in people. And he can't always express or connect with them in the way he wants. Like a language barrier he mentioned in another mailbag episode. That is why Sherlock and John work. They draw out in each other and supplement for the qualities they lack or yearn to have more of. They're a balancing act. A good one. And I'm not the first to point that out.

All this to say, imagine when that act is separated. The Fall. Grown so comfortable to have the other's support, always by each others side and then, suddenly the other person isn't there. And you have to remember how you functioned without them before. But you can't go back. You're not the same person you were. But if they aren't there to remind you, to encourage you, it's easy to fall back into old habits.

And so the song. On My Own. From John's perspective, watching the man the myth the dazzling legend that is Sherlock Holmes, getting swept up in the adventures, feeling totally out of place but thrilled be along for the ride, participating, maybe growing in confidence all because of coincidental flat share with possibly the most brilliant and bizzare man he's ever met. The world is changing for John Watson. And Sherlock is seemingly at the center of it all. He's found purpose. Friends. A home. Maybe more. But John is as fallible in his assumptions as any of us are. And Sherlock appears to have no interest in such relationships and John, not confident enough to make the first move. So he can daydream. Of what it would be like to be with Sherlock. And what it would be like be without Sherlock.

And then the Fall. And he truly is without Sherlock and his world has dulled and greyed and blurred. The city has lost its glimmer. The flat is quiet. The words are meaningless. And John sits with his what ifs.

Don't think of John hearing this song. Of the heartbreak of knowing that you can ever be with the one you love. And knowing that taste of what brilliant technicolours the world is when you were with them, full of stimulating twinkling lights. And thinking it could never be that way again. Don't imagine John, sat in the flat, in the achingly quiet flat, as a woman sings for her never was love, head in his hands, Archie resting his head on John's knee. Don't think of John cursing himself for not being sure enough to tell Sherlock how he felt, for not being good enough again to save his friend. Don't think of John Watson, once again, on his own.

[fiction-is-life]

If You Love Someone...

Summary: If you love someone, let them go.  If they return, it was meant to be.

Warnings: Angst, emotionally abusive/toxic mother, mention of divorce, breakups, classism, self-doubt

~

(Y/N) moved quickly between her tables and the kitchen, easily keeping up with the dinner rush at The Wreck.  She saw movement at the door and turned in time to see a familiar blonde head with sunglasses walk in and talk to the hostess.  The hostess pointed the newcomer towards (Y/N)’s section.  (Y/N)’s heart dropped into her stomach, but she dutifully moved towards the booth in the corner.

“Hi, how are you today?” (Y/N) asked in a falsely saccharine voice, a smile plastered on her face.

The woman at the table lowered her sunglasses slowly, her every move fluid and graceful.  It made (Y/N) think of a panther, and her gut clenched even further.

“I am not well at all, Miss (Y/L/N),” the woman spoke in a tone so low that (Y/N) had to lean in to hear her.  “I have received news of a most disturbing nature.”

(Y/N) could feel herself start to sweat, but she attempted to act as nonchalant as possible.  “Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that, Dr. Thornton.  Mr. Carrerra’s cooking will surely make you feel better, however, so what can I get started for you?”

Dr. Thornton looked (Y/N) in the eye with cold, calculated calm.  “You may break up with my son.  That will most definitely make me feel better,” she said.

(Y/N) was finally able to push down her anxiety, aided by the fury that was quickly overtaking her body.  “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  (Y/N) matched the older lady’s tone and posture, letting her know that she was not one to be steamrolled.

Dr. Thornton delicately sighed, shaking her head as if (Y/N) was a child that had done something naughty but mildly amusing.  Dr. Thornton smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.  “Don’t be coy with me, (Y/N).  We both know that you have been sneaking around with my son for the past year.  I let it go for a while, but now that Topper has been accepted into some of the top schools in the country, I can’t let him have some nobody from the Cut holding him back.”

Dr. Thornton’s face crumpled into something that resembled compassion after this, but it was forced, an act.  (Y/N)’s anger built with every word the spiteful woman spoke.  

“Be honest with yourself, (Y/N),” Dr. Thornton continued while (Y/N) was still stunned into silence.  “You don’t fit into his world anymore than he fits into yours.  Isn’t that why you haven’t told your friends about him?  Do you really want to be the reason he doesn’t live up to all of his potential?  If you truly loved him, you would let him go.  Let him marry a girl that was raised in his sphere.  One he wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally embarrassing him because they don’t know how our world operates.”

(Y/N)’s fury was on a thin leash that was liable to snap at any second.  Dr. Thornton’s words - spoken so calmly - had cut to the very heart of (Y/N)’s insecurities about her relationship with Topper, but she wouldn’t let the woman have the pleasure of seeing her lose control.

“Don’t you think that decision should be up to Topper?  It is his life, after all, that you seem so adamant that I will ruin.”  (Y/N) was proud that her voice didn’t quiver when she spoke.

Dr. Thornton only rolled her eyes.  “Topper doesn’t know what he really wants.  Sure, you may fulfill his youthful desires and lusts, but that will fade.  He will figure out what is truly important one day, and it will be much easier on him if you are already out of the picture.  

“Easier on you as well, dear.  You don’t want to find yourself married, with a couple of kids and a husband that resents you more and more each day,” the spiteful woman finished.

(Y/N) vehemently shook her head, unwanted tears forming in her eyes, but (Y/N) stopped them before they could slide down her cheeks.  “That wouldn’t happen.”  This time her voice did shake, and she hated herself for it.  “Topper loves me.”

An eye roll followed this statement.  “He loves the idea of you.”  It was really becoming infuriating how calm Dr. Thornton was staying.  “Once my monetary support is withdrawn, he will quickly realize that he cannot survive on love.”

(Y/N) inhaled sharply.  “You’re going to cut him off if he stays with me?  Your own son?”

Dr. Thornton sighed.  “What choice do I have?  I cannot have a son that is such a disgrace.  He’ll never learn otherwise.”  She leaned forward, folding her hands on the table.  “So, you have a choice Miss (Y/L/N).  Either you break up with my son within the next month - without him knowing that it was my doing, of course, and get a handsome monetary reward to boot - or you become the reason Topper is cut off from everything he knows.”

Dr. Thornton stood, completely at ease, plotting the ruin of her only son.  “The choice is yours, Miss (Y/L/N).”

~

“Topper, I had to pick up a shift.  I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to miss our date tonight,” (Y/N) spoke on the phone with Topper a few days after her tête-à-tête with Dr. Thornton.  

“Really, (Y/N)?  I’ve been planning this date for a month!”  Topper sounded so hurt, and (Y/N) almost broke.

She had been icing him out all week.  If he sent a text, she would reply with one word.  If he snapped her, she would leave him on open, losing their streak.  She knew he would see right through her if she broke up with him out of the blue.

So, she bit her lip to keep herself from letting out a whimper.  “I know but half the staff that was scheduled is sick, so I have to go in.  I also just really need the money right now.”

(Y/N) could hear Topper sigh over the phone.  “Why can’t Kie just go in?  It’s her family’s restaurant.  Also, if you need money, you know you can ask me, baby.”

(Y/N) felt her resolve slipping once again, but she found it in herself to act exactly contrary to what she felt.  “Kie is already going to be there, Topper,” she huffed.  “And I don’t want to take your money.  Do you know how that makes me feel?”

A pause followed this outburst, then Topper’s voice could be heard once again.  “Sweetheart, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.  I’m just saying if you need help with bills or anything, I can lend you some.”

(Y/N) couldn’t take it anymore.  “I need to go, Top; I’m going to be late.  Bye.”  She hung up before he could say “I love you” - and before she burst into tears.

~

(Y/N) once again moved between her tables fluidly, busy but not overwhelmed.  She welcomed the rush of work, however, as it took her mind off of how she had spoken to Topper.  

That was, until he came through the door and immediately sat in her section.

(Y/N) made her way over to the blond boy, inwardly giddy that he had shown up but not allowing her face to show it.  In fact, she schooled her features into a frown as she made her way over to where he sat.

“Topper, what are you doing here,” she whispered.  Their relationship wasn’t public, and Topper had never set foot in The Wreck before, so this would definitely cause people to talk.  

Topper smiled, his face lighting up as it only did around her.  “Hey, baby, just because you have to work doesn’t mean we can’t be together.  I’m sorry about earlier; I know you’ve been stressed out lately.”  His eyes were so soft and the cool blue of his irises somehow warm.  She didn’t deserve him being this nice to her.  “I figured after you are done, I could drive you home, maybe stargaze at the lookout for a bit.”

(Y/N) bit her lip, ever so tempted.  “It will probably be pretty late when I get done -”

“That’s okay, (Y/N/N), I’m in no rush to get back home.  You know that,” he cut her off. 

(Y/N) couldn’t think of any more excuses, so she just nodded with a small smile and took out her notepad.  “Okay, so - umm -  what can I get you to eat?”

This was going to be so much harder than she thought.

~

Topper stopped his truck at the base of the lookout and hopped out to open (Y/N)’s door for her.  She should have insisted that he take her directly home, but she just couldn’t help herself.  

She missed him.  

And she hadn’t even let him go yet. 

She let him take her hand and lead her up to the top of the tower where he spread a blanket and tugged her down to sit beside him.  She melted into his embrace, his warmth enveloping her despite the slight chill to the air.

After a few peaceful minutes, Topper turned his head minutely, pressing his lips to her temple gently.  “Do you want a massage, baby?  I know you’ve had a tough week,” he murmured.  His lips tickled her ear slightly as he spoke.  

Her eyes filled with tears for what felt like the millionth time this week.  She shook her head, and started to sob softly.  “You’re too good for me, Top,” she cried.

Topper started at her unexpected reaction.  He grasped her arms, rubbing them up and down in a soothing pattern.  “Hey, hey, hey, you know that’s not true, baby.  I’m the lucky one; you are the best thing to ever happen to me,” he said in soothing tones.

(Y/N) shook her head once again, swallowing her urge to keep crying.  “I’m not,” she rasped.  She knew in that moment she couldn’t go on like this.  She took a deep, rattling breath.

“I have to break up with you, Topper.”

She forced the words out, wishing at once that she could take them back at the look of agony on his now pallid face.  

“What do you mean?  (Y/N), what did I do?  I’ll fix it.  I’ll do better.  Just tell me what I did,” he spoke, each word becoming more desperate as he noted the look of resolve on her face.  

His face crumpled.  “I need you, (Y/N),” he whispered.

She stood and backed up several paces, towards the stairs.  “I’m sorry, Top; I really didn’t want it to end like this.”

She fled the scene, running as fast as her feet could carry her away from his frantic voice shouting for her to come back.  Away from the love of her life.

She blindly made it to the Chateau before she let herself sob once more.

~

(Y/N) woke up, bleary eyed and still exhausted.  She had immediately crashed on John B’s couch the night before, her friends having asked no questions at her visible distress.  They simply gave her the peace and quiet she needed.

Even now, she could hear them in the kitchen and smell the beginnings of breakfast emerging from the old stove.  (Y/N) slowly made her way to the kitchen, too tired to be anxious about what they may ask or say in the light of day.

Instead of pestering her with questions, however, they simply handed her a plate and sat down to eat.  (Y/N)’s heart swelled.

(Y/N) swallowed the last bite of her food and pushed her plate away.  “I had to break up with Topper,” she blurted.

“Well, I mean, he is a -” Pope elbowed JJ in the ribs to shut him up, but (Y/N) wasn’t paying attention, instead studying her hands on the table.

Kie also shot a look at JJ to make sure he stayed quiet before she took (Y/N)’s hands, squeezing them lightly.  “Tell us everything, (Y/N/N),” she said.

(Y/N) took a deep, shuddering breath.  “Topper and I have been seeing each other for over a year.  We started talking at a party where we were both the DDs for our friends.  We started talking about our dreams and poetry and movies and...” she trailed off, thinking how that moment was the first time she had ever truly been seen - and understood.

(Y/N) smiled a watery smile at this, letting out a wry chuckle.  “He may not look it, but he is a huge fan of cheesy rom coms and Adam Sandler movies, especially when they are Adam Sandler rom coms...”  (Y/N) sniffled, wiping her nose on the back of her arm before continuing.  “I really thought he was the one, but then -” (Y/N) broke down, and Kie enveloped her in her arms, shushing her until she had calmed enough to continue.

Still hiccupping slightly, (Y/N) went on with her story.  “About a week ago, Topper’s mom came into The Wreck and she, she -”  Another deep breath.  “She said she would completely cut off Topper if I didn’t break up with him, and I - I couldn’t do that to him.  He shouldn’t have to choose between everything he knows and me.”

“Oh, (Y/N), you must be devastated!” exclaimed Kie, hugging her even tighter.  “Is that why he came to the restaurant last night?”

(Y/N) nodded, sniffling once more.  “Yeah, I had been icing him out all week, and last night I cancelled on him for a date he had been planning for a month.  I thought if I made him angry with me or tired with our relationship, it would be easier, but instead he was as sweet as ever!  He could tell I had been off all week, so he wanted to still get dinner with me, even if I was the one serving it.  Then we went to the lookout to stargaze, and I couldn’t do it anymore.  I just had to rip off the bandaid. I broke up with him and ran all the way here before he could convince me to stay.”

Kie tutted, rubbing her back.  “You must really love him, (Y/N/N).”  (Y/N) nodded, further soaking Kie’s shirt with her renewed tears.  After a minute, Kie leaned back, making (Y/N) look at her with red eyes.  “Hey, let’s go watch some trashy TV and just have a girls’ day.  No phones or boys allowed.”  Kie smiled, and (Y/N) appreciated her effort.  

“Okay,” (Y/N) said, putting on a brave smile and setting her phone on the counter so she wasn’t tempted to call Topper and beg him to take her back.

~

(Y/N)’s phone buzzed where she had left it on the counter, garnering JJ’s attention, so he picked it up and accepted the call without looking who it was.

“(Y/N)!  Thank god, you answered!  I’ve been worried sick after you ran off last night,” Topper’s voice immediately bombarded JJ’s eardrums.  JJ internally cringed.

He cleared his throat.  “Um, hey, Topper, this is actually JJ,” he said, moderating his tone so that (Y/N) couldn’t hear him over the sound of she and Kie’s movie.  

“God, JJ, is she with you?  Is she okay?” Topper’s voice was frantic, and JJ actually felt bad for the Kook, finally seeing how (Y/N) could fall for him.  “She ran off last night after acting really weird all week, and I’m super worried, man,” Topper continued. 

JJ scratched the back of his neck nervously.  “Yeah, Topper, I think she just needs to be alone right now; she’s pretty upset and -”

“Upset?” Topper interrupted JJ.  “I’m coming over right now.”

JJ couldn’t get another word in before Topper ended the call.  JJ ran his hand through his hair.  Shit.

~

(Y/N) was pulled out of her impromptu nap (she hadn’t been sleeping well the past week) by thunderous knocking on John B’s front door.  A pit fell into her stomach.  That could only be one person.

“(Y/N)!” The voice of the person shouting confirmed what (Y/N) dreaded, but she couldn’t help the flip her stomach did at the sound of his rich baritone voice.  “(Y/N), please come to the door; I just want to talk to you!”

Kie tried to convince (Y/N) to stay in the living room as the boys ran to the door, practically tripping over themselves.  Even as Kie stood in front of her, (Y/N) still caught a glimpse of Topper’s frosted tips as the door opened, and she knew what she had to do. 

With a shuddering breath, (Y/N) willed her feet to move forward.  She pushed through the boys gently until she stood right in front of Topper.  His face relaxed as he saw her.  

“(Y/N),” he breathed, and she melted.  However, (Y/N) steeled herself to avoid crying.

“Can we talk outside, Topper?” she said, taking him by the arm.  He nodded and followed her to the hammock.

She sat there and used her feet to make the hammock swing, the rhythmic motion soothing her nerves slightly.  Topper sat beside her, but she could tell he was trying to give her space, resisting the urge to take her in his arms.  It was a full minute before she found what she needed to say.  

“Topper, I know I’ve been acting weird lately, and you deserve an explanation.”  She took another deep breath.  

“You and I come from different worlds.  Don’t try to deny it,” she cut him off before he could interject.  “We both know this island is divided.  And people who have different upbringings just can’t last as couples.  It may be fun and freeing for a bit - perhaps go on for years - but the fact of the matter is that at least one of them is going to regret committing themselves to the relationship,” she spoke, realizing the unpleasant truth as she went along.

“I could never regret being with you, (Y/N/N),” Topper interrupted, but she held up a hand to stop him.

“It feels like that now, but think years down the road.”  She stood up and paced in front of him as she continued to speak.  “We get married.  Maybe have a couple of kids.  Then what?  You take over your dad’s business, and you need someone who can host dinners for business partners.”  Her voice started to raise in volume as she grew more agitated.  “ I would inevitably make a mess of things.  I would serve the wrong wine or not remember who someone was or try to talk business and make a fool of both of us.  Then the business would fail, and your parents would be disappointed.  And it would be my fault, and you would want a divorce.  Then we would both be lonely and sad - not to mention put our kids through the awfulness of a divorce -  but we can avoid all that by just never tempting fate in the first place,” she finished.

Topper had listened in silence as she ranted.  His face was downcast and his posture slumped.  “Is that really how you feel?”

She nodded her head slowly.  She took his hands in both of hers.  “You deserve the best in the world, Topper, and I don’t want to be the reason you don’t get that.  And quite frankly, it isn’t fair to me to put myself in a situation where I am guaranteed failure; I have too much self-respect for that.”

A tear fell from Topper’s ocean blue eyes.  “It doesn’t have to be like that.  I don’t need to take over the business -”

“Topper.  You don’t fit into my world just as much as I don’t fit into yours.  I can’t let you throw away your future for me.  You’ll meet a lovely woman who will make you so happy, and you will build a life with her that will be perfect, trust me.”

Topper shook his head, his tears falling in earnest now.  “I will never find anyone as perfect as you, (Y/N/N).”

She leaned up to brush a kiss over his lips, selfishly stealing one more moment with him to cherish.  “Yes, you will, trust me,” she whispered.

“You’re wrong.  I just know it,” Topper sobbed, but he turned away, stomping through the overgrown grass to his Jeep.  She thought he may run back to her, but all he did was give her one last, long glance before he drove off.

She wasn’t sure if she was more relieved or hurt that he didn’t.

~

Ten years later…

“Hey, sweetheart, what are you doing all the way out here?  Are you lost?” (Y/N) asked the small blond child that was walking on the beach by himself.  The little boy’s eyes filled with tears as he nodded.  Her heart ached at the sight.

She gave him a comforting smile and held out her hand.  “Let’s find your parents together.  Does that sound good?”  The little boy stuck his thumb in his mouth and nodded, holding out his other chubby hand to grab hers.

The pair headed back where the little boy had come from.  After a short time, a beautiful woman came running towards them.  “Caleb!  Oh my goodness, sweetheart, I was so worried!” she cried, hugging the boy close to her chest.

She looked up to (Y/N), her face shining in gratitude.  "Thank you so much for helping get him back to me!  We just moved here - well, my husband grew up here - and I haven't quite got my bearings," Caleb's mother explained. 

Her eyes flickered to a place over (Y/N)'s shoulder.  "There's my husband now," she said, then, "Honey, I have him!" she called to the man jogging up to their little group.  

(Y/N) turned to see who it was, her eyes squinting in the sunlight.  When he finally came into focus, she wished she had escaped while she still had a chance.

"(Y/N)!"  He stopped short, and (Y/N) was taken back to that party at the Boneyard all those years ago.

"Topper," she answered, forcing a smile after a moment.  There was a pregnant pause.  "You have a lovely family."

"Thank you," he replied, his eyes saying so much more than his words could.  He fidgeted nervously.  "Hey, why don't you join us for a -"

"I'd love to, but I actually have to get going," she cut him him off.  She looked back at his wife and child, finding it in herself to genuinely smile.  At least one of them had gotten their fairytale ending.  "It was so nice meeting you both."

And then she was walking away.  Away from the life she still desperately wished was hers.  Away from the man she wished she still had the right to love.

~

My Masterlist

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[baby-girl-aaron-dessner]

Hi 👋🏼 so I heard the rest of the album and wanted to share my opinion.

So I have listened to it one time but so far I have loved most of the songs.

There are songs that started great but ended up being disappointing and others that I think should have been kept in a drawer. But I can say that my favourite is fortnight. I don’t know why but it actually stuck with me for some reason and fresh out of the slammer.

Now, I am going to share my insight into this album and you can agree to disagree but I hope we can all be civil when discussing because we are all mature adults here. And again this is my impression. And if I am not making sense please say so and I’ll try and explain myself better. English is not my first language and so I can sometimes say stuff that don’t translate well into words.

The first thing I noticed about the album is that there were no love songs on it but it was also not a breakup album.

I think the biggest theme of the album was “ I am lost”

Taylors entire life has always been mapped out. And even when she ventures off and did things differently that was also planned because everything was a theme. When people say she changes her self to fit her “boyfriends” image they are not wrong but they are also not completely right. I think a part of it comes down to finding herself which she probably never had the chance to considering how she consumes her self with the music and the industry.

My theory is that when she met Joe she found the escape she needed and a new place to explore far away from the media. But that didn’t satisfy her, because deep down she doesn’t know who she is away from the light. And thats the insecurity we see in lover. The. Locked down happened and again she was lost musically and romantically but with songwriting she thought she can fill in the wholes in the relationship but I don’t think that satisfied him and so he didn’t want to continue. Which made a bigger gap

With midnights, for me at least, it sounded like she was going back through her life to try and figure out who she was and how did she get there. I think there was a lot of questions about herself she was trying to answer. So when she and Joe broke up it added to doubt she had about herself and that why we got TTPD.

The reason we didn’t get alot of Joe songs is not because she loved Matty more or she wanted him more but because she her self was struggling, it was not just a rebound but it was an experiment. From what I heard in the swings no one in her circle understood the appeal but were playing along because of what she was going through. And it was not just the break up but being back in the spot light like that.

To me it felt like she was not saying fuck you all the fans and people around her with the relationship but more of “ I need this so let me be”. Like she was trying to prove something to herself.

The most interesting song to me was So High school, because it does seem to be about Travis, but it sounded like he is just convenient more than a love affair. She also doesnt understand him or finds him interesting and sees his world as juvenile but it’s safe to stay in for a little while

The song I Can Do It With A Broken Heart is not about heart break but about struggling with fame. I can’t explain why but that’s how the lyrics played to me.

I don’t think she is happy in her life outside her music and songwriting. Again I think she is lost and she is trying to cop with a lot of sad emotions.

Anyway, I just wanted share my thoughts because I have no where to put these thought😂

Sorry for the long post 🥰

Hi sweet anon, thank you for sharing. Your English is great.

I agree with a lot of your interpretation, especially when you say she sounds ‘lost’ on this album. It’s both relieving and heart-breaking to see a child star grow up to realise that they have been moulded to be who they are by their elders and the industry. Her anger and confusion at this is so understandable and well over due.

I agree with you when you say, “deep down she doesn’t know who she is away from the light”.

I also agree with your interpretation of So High School. From The relationship being portrayed in this song sounds quite superficial/surface level. Especially when you compare it to the way she writes about her other muses.

At the end of the day, Taylor Swift is midnight rain; she is ever changing. I can imagine this would leave her in a state of constant confusion.

[madwomanwithawarehouse]

Unthinkable 10 Years Day 3: Favorite Episode of Season 2 - "Time of Death"

Okay this is one of my all-time favorite episodes for so many reasons and definitely the one I've rewatched the most ( I'm pretty sure I can quote all of the Felicity/Sara scenes by heart)

This episode explores so many dynamics in so little time, but somehow doesn't come off feeling rushed or overloaded (at least in my opinion). Laurel being angry at everyone, but trying to help her parents get back together, her fight with Oliver in the hallway that feels like the first honest moment they've had in years, and her reconciliation with Sara finally leading to her first AA meeting.

We also get to learn about why Sara looks after Sin (side note: still pissed we got no elaboration on them after s3) and Thea beginning to notice the cracks in Oliver and Moira's relationship

The biggest focus, however, is the changing dynamic in Team Arrow now that Sara has joined full time (and has gotten back together with Oliver), and specifically, how it's affecting Felicity.

We quickly see how well Sara can hold her own against Oliver and Dig at the same time, inter cut with shots of Felicity looking worried, relegated to the sidelines. In the overhead shots you can even see that her computer chair has been moved from its usual spot, showing how displaced she is from her normal routine

They pause and compare scars, but when Felicity offers up her own story, it further reinforces how different she is from her teammates. The same (mildly flirtatious) "You're [still] cute" from Sara that was sweet during their introduction, now feels condescending when Felicity is feeling insecure. Her later attempts to train where she gets her form corrected by Sara brings out her bitter side in a way we haven't seen directed at anyone other than Oliver before, and Sara picks up on something being wrong

Her insecurities about her place on Team Arrow get further compounded with the arrival of the Clock King.

One of my favorite villains mostly due to the fact that his whole timing is everything/clock shtick does not really match his hacking capabilities thematically. He times everything, kills people with clock parts, quotes "tempus fugit", but yeah his thing is that he's a good hacker who robs banks. 10/10 no notes.

This is the first time we've seen Felicity go up against another hacker and well, he bests her, badly. I think what's almost worse is Oliver's complete belief in her abilities to beat him, which just makes her feel even more worthless when she can't and Sara comes up with a lead instead (using her computers). She's been sinking lower and lower into her self doubt and then Tockman blows up [her part of] the lair.

And it's the final straw. She was part of a trio, she was "the girl", (she was even kind of Oliver's "girl"), she had a place, a specialty, she felt like she mattered for the first time in a long time. This also comes only an episode after she reveals that her father abandoned her and her greatest fear is experiencing that again and Moira threatening that she's going to lose Oliver if she reveals Thea's paternity. So it's especially fragile, this state she's in now. Oliver's attention has shifted, 3 becomes 4, her space is not really hers anymore. In her mind, she's no longer special, now she just doesn't fit in. Dig's pep talk comes too late. How can she be irreplaceable if she's already been replaced?

So is it any wonder that she does something reckless to try to regain some control?

Felicity proves her technical prowess by tracking Tockman down and her badassery by taking a bullet for Sara and giving Tockman a taste of his own virus, knocking him out.

Now that she has proven her worth to the team (entirely to herself, as no one else doubted her), the combined efforts of Sara, Oliver, and some "aspirins" are able to raise her spirits the way Dig had earlier. Sara knows just how to compliment her and Oliver reaffirms her place in his life/the team and all is right again with their resident genius.

(And bonus, Sara and Felicity are now forever bonded by the homoerotic nature of life saving and nursing back to health)

All in all, such a good episode with solid character building, real consequences, and a quirky villain that is extra for no discernible reason. Iconic.

[jitzlemonade]

UNNAMED PART 3

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4

Hey, I'm back. Thanks for the most recent ask that reminded me I have Unnamed finished. (what do you mean, no, I definitely didn't forget *sweats*) As for why I took so long, it's because I have no inspiration :D But anyway, I finished it *gives myself a pat on the back*

Let me know what you guys think, and any ideas or suggestions to inspire me so I'll be able to churn it out faster. I always love getting feedbacks from reader OwO

Also, obviously you can't find part 3 since I didn't post it as I am master of procrastinating XD If you can, I'll be shook instead >&lt;; Contains: Angst, mental breakdown?, insecurity, low self-confidence, assuming things, not for those easily triggered etc Pairing: Zhongli x Reader

Summary:

In the end, it's always you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------- You knew the problem had never been him, but you.

 Your eyes opened and an unfamiliar ceiling came into view. Faint sunlight shone through the gaps of the window, casting scattered light upon the dark room . The scent of what you assumed to be herbs assaulted your nose.

You blinked a few more times, thinking it was an illusion conjured by a sleep-addled mind. Nevertheless, the same scenery greeted you. This time, you decided to rub your eyes. In the end, nothing has changed and apparently this was not a hallucination.

You remained lying down as you covered your eyes with one arm. You tried to get your bearings together, trying to recall the happenings from the last time you were conscious. You were a thousand billion percent confused until it clicked. Ah, Zhongli happened.

 Then in the midst of that breakdown, out of the blue, came a very painful chest pain.  You would have never expected it, while you may not be as fit as a fiddle, you knew you were healthier than that. You release a sign, you never want it to happen again either.

 You didn't know where you were. The right thing to do should really be just get up and about. Say thank you to whoever that took care of you and return their kindness on a later date after you deal with all the frustrations in your life. The only thing that’s stopping you is because you had a feeling the person might be Zhongli.

You don't feel like facing him now, it would be heart wrenching and to be honest, you don't want to have another heart attack when you have just woken up. Thus, you decided to sit up and settle into a more comfortable position as you pondered, even if all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

 You look out the window, watching the birds that flew across the bright blue sky.  Countless trains of thoughts run through your head as you contemplate how you should interact with the once love of your life.

 He still is, but your love was too destructive for both you and him.

It was funny how your rational mind and emotions had countless fistfights yet it was always your small, weak and insecure heart that won. Although you rationalise numerous times that you were overthinking, your heart never failed to believe Zhongli didn't love you enough.

It wasn't fair you took it out on Zhongli, obviously he would be tired by your outburst, when he had been nothing but supportive and caring towards you even when you were showing the ugliest version of yourself.

 You know the reason he couldn't spend as much time with you. Although you can control your thoughts, you’re much less adept with your feelings. No matter how much he does for you, the self-doubt would never fade away, lingering in the depths of your mind and whispering your worst nightmares.

You doubt there was anything he could even do to make you feel better. After all, you were the problem.

This isn't good for either of us, you thought as your hands covered your face and took in a deep breath, hoping whatever stress building up within you would be released along with said breath. That in fact, didn't help as you could subtly feel the dread slowly taking over you.

Suddenly, you hear a loud thud.

You looked over to identify the source. It was Zhongli, with a fallen basin next to him, resulting in water spilling all over the ground. Your gaze then shifted upwards to him, carefully and slowly sizing him up. Trying to observe any clues to his current state of mind.

He looks haggard, eye bags especially prominent against his pale jade-like skin, his suit was messy, full of wrinkles and creases, a stark contrast from his usual demeanor. You could feel your lips quiver, but in the end you remained silent. What were you supposed to do or say anyway?

You watch as his eyes seem to regain their clarity, his steps cautious and small as he approaches you before sitting down on the bed beside you. His hands trembled as he reached out towards you, so close yet not touching you.

It was as if he was afraid you were just the morning mist in the forest, or a mirage in the desert, one blink or a touch too harsh would break this illusion. You didn’t make any moves, still unsure on how to face him.

After some hesitation, he bit his lips, as if coming to a decision, and finally touched you.

  The look in his eyes was so soft and gentle that it moved your heart. It made you wonder whether your brain was right and your emotions had it all wrong due to being too caught up with anything negative and blinded itself. Perhaps Zhongli had only you held close in his heart and you were truly just overthinking.

The soft rustling of the fabric against your skin however, quickly woke you from the illusion that he loves you. After all, if he truly loved you, why did every skin contact you ever had with him were all done through a layer of fabric?

Now awake after your outburst, you felt a bizarre sense of clarity flooding through your head. How could you have missed all those clues? The hints scattered throughout your life that you have so blatantly missed due to letting love blind your senses.

Zhongli doesn't truly love you, he was with you merely because he platonically loves you, and he wasn't too repulsed by the idea of dating you. To some, it may be wonderful news, but you didn't want to force a relationship on Zhongli just because you couldn't control your emotions.

The gloves he donned upon even now certainly represented your relationship with him.

Thin enough to feel him close, yet it is a layer you would never be able to penetrate, a layer that separates both of you from truly connecting as one. What else could induce more sorrowness than this? When the person is clearly standing before you, yet the distance between both of you was as wide as the universe itself?

He'll never love you the way you love him.

You felt him caress your cheek, a few faint brushes of his fingers before his hand finally enveloped your face. The intensity of his gaze flustered you, you remained rigid as his fingers trailed the side of your face softly.

Perhaps the fact that you didn't break or disappear was enough for him. The next thing you knew, you were pulled into his embrace. His face was buried in your collar, a sigh of relief escaping from his lips.

 He was glad you finally woke up after being tormented by the thought you would never wake up again. Staying up countless nights by your side, afraid to miss any waking moment or emergency.

His concern was clear and strong to you, yet you feel strangely numb even though his hands wrapped tightly around your body. It was like your soul was gone, and all that’s left is the ashes from where your passion had once burned.

 When he pulls away,  you place your hand upon your chest. You could feel Zhongli's enquiring gaze on you, oblivious to your intention. You decide he could wait later as you try to feel your heart.

There it was, a very faint but still steady beat, indicating your heart was fine and working.

That's strange, you still had a heart, but why do you feel... empty?  Looking at Zhongli, you no longer feel the same joy that flooded your bones, the euphoria that makes you drunk akin to fine wine.

--------

You could tell you probably relapsed back to the time when you hadn't met Zhongli. It was the darkest period of your life, when you were still too clueless and too helpless to decide on anything.   A period where the road that leads to your future is all thorns and darkness, a path where you always get hurt. You were so desperate for recognition that you were servile to anyone and everyone.

  You always had a smile on your face, always ready to offer your help to anyone. You were exploited for your kindness, yet you always give more and more of yourself even when it’s carving into your own flesh. In the end, you only had more knives sticking out of you.

 You were a bundle of all the lost cause in the world, no wonder no one could love you. You don’t belong anywhere, no one can ever accept you, no one would even want you. You don’t deserve it.

But then, there was Zhongli.

 He probably never knew how dazzling he is in your life. Everything else becomes blurred and obsolete when he’s there, all you can do is focus on him. He was brilliance itself, the confidence that radiated off him with every step, his posture straight and proper with every movement, a world heritage painting from every angle.

  He was everything you hope to be, the way words of admiration flow from his mouth would melt even the most heartless people. His articulation was enough to contend with even the best of debaters, able to convince anyone to agree with him. 

  Your eyes always trail after him as you engrave him within your memories, so you may have something to look back upon when you're old and frail. The way his ponytail sways behind him as he walks, the smile on his face as he converse, and especially those eyes of his. Those eyes that seemed to have all the answers in the world.

   His eyes were regal amber, akin to crystallisation of tree saps, the glow of cor lapis when the sun hits it just right. You wondered if Rex Lapis had personally sculpted him and inlaid the finest cor lapis into his eyes. He was just that charming, enough to pull you into an abyss that you’ll never be able to get out from again.

   He was the pivot, drawing in everyone’s gaze unintentionally, and you were merely one of the masses that oscillated around him. It was only natural, and it would never change. Yet like Rex Lapis playing a joke on you, it did.

  Both of you were supposed to be a pair of parallel lines, close enough to see each other, but never intersecting. After all, how can you drag sunshine into your midnight rain? But the moment his eyes met yours, you knew you never wanted to let go, even if it digs onto your skin and leaves scars.

The way his voice rumbles when he laughed should be a sin, the way his hands perfectly covers yours should be a foul. His eyes lit up, and your breath was taken away. His eyes narrowed when he smiled, and you were knocked off your feet. Those eyes of his entrance you like nothing else, they make everything else irrelevant. He was the sun, everything thrives because of him, and you were no different. Your world was grey and black, but now it was filled with splotches of colours. From the brightest shade of flaming red to the violet shade of the aurora sky. You were no longer surviving, but truly living.

And when those eyes had only you in their reflection, you fell for him.

All the inferiority that used to plagued you was washed away by his love, causing you to undergo a brand new transformation. However, now that you lost him, they all come crashing against you once more in calamitous waves. This made you realise, you are nothing without him.

Everything good and pleasant about you, everything you love about yourself only existed because of his words, his validation.

You truly were nothing by yourself.

—---------------------------------

You didn't have the most flattering appearance. Staring at the mirror for too long will definitely end with your confidence in your facial features dropping drastically.

The people you called 'friends' point at you as they commented about your features before laughing, saying it was all in light jest.

In spite of it all, what else can you do but agree and laugh along with them? Even if everything they said was like one bullet after another shot straight at your heart.

Worse of all, if you really said anything in retaliation, you would be the unreasonable one and couldn't take a 'joke'.

You were never enough.

No one really likes you either, halfway through a conversation, you felt the boredom or dislike rolling off the other party.

It overwhelms you, makes you stammer and fumble over your words because you don't know what exactly you do or say to incur their dissatisfaction.

 It gets draining before it becomes suffocating, completely eradicating your will and energy to keep conversing.

The slight delight emitting off them as they excuse themself from the conversation makes your heart heavy. 

You were never enough.

The relationships you forged were never truly yours, you were just there along for the ride. A friendship that people will only indulge in when it's convenient or they have no one else.

They would hang out with you, but would never wait for you nor explicitly invite you, it all depends on whether you're present when they invite their other friends.

 Still, when they were at the lowest, you were there. You lend them your shoulder, you allow them to hurt you so they would find comfort in the midst of their own pain, so they would know someone was still by their side.

However, when tomorrow comes, you are back to being a background character for them.

You were never enough.

The scars inflicted upon your soul were numerous, each one deeper than the last. A heavy burden weighs upon you, and you submerge yourself within the emptiness and the sorrow.

Wallowing in your pain was easier than confronting everything that's wrong with you. You were never enough, and there was nothing you could ever do to change it.

 And it was just so easy to submerge yourself in suffering, to block everything else out of your heart, anguishing at your pain yet doing nothing to change it.

But then there was Zhongli.

  Zhongli made you feel you were enough, he made you feel you were everything that's perfect and more. He made you strive for better, he made you flourish and bloom.

"Your beauty overwhelms me, that no words can describe it. It's similar to the sunset by Liyue Harbour, thousands of words and poetry will still fail to describe the complete allure of it. It is something so magnificent and enigmatic that it can only be appreciated personally with one's entire being and one's soul,"

He made you love your own appearance.

"My love, please do not hesitate sharing things with me. I will always be interested in anything you have to say. I particularly adore the way your eyes brighten and the passion you radiate when you talk about the things you love, even your expressive actions with your hands. I find you lovable all the same, even if you 'throw hands' with someone."

He made you love yourself, with all your flaws and quirks.

“You're more than anything I ever deserve,” he breathed out as he caressed your cheeks. His eyes were transfixed on you, as if you were too good to be true, and he dared not take his eyes off you.

He made you rediscover that you were important too, and you wondered how you even lost yourself in the first place.

-----------------------

Now, you know the problems between you were not only Lumine, no, she was merely the catalyst. There was a much deeper reason why your heart couldn't fully trust him, but you never realised until this very moment.

 It was the way you knew nothing about his past. You knew not his parents, or whether he was an orphan. You knew none of his old friends, nor did you know the scenery he grew up in.

 He was a storyteller.

However, he never shared his life before meeting you, merely throwing you small snippets which you couldn't piece a large picture with.

  It was the way you knew nothing of how his skin feels against yours. All along he was tightly wrapped in his gentlemen, never exposing any patches of skin.

You had never seen him without his coat, he always donned it, every button fastened and crease smoothened out, even if it was only the both of you.

 You could never tell with Zhongli, he was an enigma, a mystery wrapped under so many layers that you could never fully uncover.

Does he not love you enough to tell you everything, or does he love you too much to tell you everything?

What draws the line between too much love and not enough of it? You pondered yet you couldn't come up with an answer.

However you know, in your case, it must be because he didn't love you enough. He didn't trust you enough to tell you everything.

You broke the silence first.

“If you truly love and need me, why didn't you ever tell me about your past? Why don't you ever touch me directly without your gloves on?”

You looked towards him, your voice steady, but only you yourself knew your heart was beating loudly in your chest, and how the tears were about to fall out of your eyes.

 He didn't love you enough to feel your skin against his, he didn't find the need to feel your body heat without the barrier of a cloth. The fact that you loved someone so much and who doesn't love you back the same is heartbreaking.

He remained silent, and you knew he would not do it. Perhaps it was for the best, a way for both of you to part peacefully from each other without inflicting any more harm than you already have

However, he did the opposite.

He took off his gloves and rolled up his sleeves, and despite the countless time you have spent with one another, it is the first time you saw what lies beneath them.

It was not the pale skin you have expected, nor are there hideous scars littering his arms. In fact, it wasn’t anything you could have imagined.

Instead it was something similar to obsidian, that gradually faded to a pale gold. Networks made of brilliant gold formed a pattern on his arms, glowing.

You were at first fascinated with the exquisite pattern, faintly recognising one of them to be the geo symbol. Then you paused, a frightening relevantion making itself known in your mind.

You immediately looked at Zhongli, moving further back to widen the distance between both of you. You managed a weak smile, “You're Rex Lapis, ” How could you not know? When all of Liyue made sure to teach their young of the marks Rex Lapis possesses?

 He had hidden it so long for you, even after both of you verified your relationship with one another. You wondered, how serious is he with you? To keep such a thing secret until it was inevitable but to reveal it?

But what truly breaks your heart was that you and Zhongli were probably never meant to be. You didn't deserve Zhongli before, how could you ever deserve him now?

You were the filth beneath his shoes before, now you would not even amount to a drop of water in the vast sea. You are nothing.

For a god like him, a being from a completely higher existential plane than yours, could he even truly love you? He might just be playing around with you, watching as you dance in the palm of his hands.

Just as how easily he made himself part of your life, you were sure he would have no problems ripping himself out of it either.

  You believe even at this moment, incorrigible rationality still runs through his mind. He was the God of Contracts, no less should be expected of him.

 Therefore, how could he understand all the joys and woes of love? Something that is undeniably, mortal.

 ... However due to this discovery, a lot of things that were incongruent before made sense now. How he seemed to know everything from ancient times as if he was there to witness it himself.

He carries himself unlike a mortal being, where people's gazes would be attracted to him merely by his temperament and bearing.

Maybe you can believe him when he says he loves you, only that it was in the same way he loves everyone that dwells in his land and worships him.

He probably wouldn't understand the love you try to convey to him and hoped he would return. Just like an ant with a human, how could a human ever fall in love with an ant romantically?

They weren't even in the same dimension, much less on equal standing with one another.

Even if humans and gods can really bond with each other in a romantic sense, but with such a vast life spans difference, how can the god truly devote their everything to someone who would die way too soon?

Once again, you were reminded of the fact you will never be enough for him, so why bother ridding yourself of the emptiness?

It's akin to a cocoon, the comfort it brings you as you dwell within that darkness, that sadness within you.

It isn't good for you, you know this, it will destroy you, you know it well. But why rid yourself of that sadness when it's all you know, and all that will protect you?

You were already broken into pieces, you don't want to shatter into dust.

However, if the gods possess the ability to love someone with everything they got, you can't imagine the pain that would wreck them, the insanity they would feel when everything is done and said.

Love is beautiful and everlasting in the moment, yet it is transient, nothing can truly last forever.

Perhaps some mortals, some love are worth this pain. The kind of love that would be sung by bards even after aeons had passed, an epic praised by humans and gods alike. But how can you ever measure up to myths and legends?

You knew you weren't worth it.

Thus, a part of you hoped Zhongli was a little more selfish, that he would guard his heart a little more closely so you will never enter its deepest part, you didn't want to become the cause of his agony. Not now, and never. But there was a part of you which you would never admit its existence, whispers in your ears, "Leave him before he leaves you,"

So, you did what you do best. Run away from reality. You stood up and headed towards your destination with a firm determination.

Zhongli immediately stood up, wanting to hold you back yet afraid he'll break you even more “Wait, darling, pleas—”

You walked out the door and you didn't look back. You knew if you did, you would have stayed.

However in the end, only pain and suffering would be left. So you left, for both him and you.

All these while, you had been proud of yourself as Zhongli's lover, now, what are you without him?

—--------------

 In a dark alley somewhere, you collapsed onto your knee, blankly staring at something that’s not there.

Who are you without Zhongli?

PART 1 PART 2 PART 4

[inconveniently-discorporated]

Great. Now I'm having self-reflective feelings when it comes to how much I relate to Aziraphale. 🥲

Not putting this one under the cut because there's no pictures, but there will be spoilers and I'll tag as well, so scroll on by if you'd like.

I talked a little bit earlier how I can relate to the feeling of wanting control, and how when that was offered to me by a previous job with a toxic environment, I took it even though I had misgivings about it. And even though I wasn't happy, I was still afraid to leave because I didn't want to lose that control.

Well, I forgot about another aspect of this situation that I can COMPLETELY relate to Aziraphale about.

It's the part where Aziraphale comes in and excitedly starts chattering about how he thinks he was wrong about the Metatron, and how he wasn't so bad after all.

Holy SHIT can I relate to that.

You see, I feel like I am simultaneously petty as fucking hell (cross me and I WILL remember exact dates and quotes), while also desiring to forgive really easily. And like Aziraphale, it's not all completely selfless -- a lot of it is, it simply takes a lot of energy to be angry at someone, and it's really inconvenient to have to work around it if the other person has something you need (e.g., a coworker you need to work with, a shop owner who finds the records you want).

But I also... just generally want to believe that people are good? And I think Aziraphale does too.

One of my former coworkers was extremely toxic. One moment, they would be perfectly fine and get along with the team and actually be helpful. The next, they would be PURPOSELY awful to people with zero remorse. Just saying some of the most hurtful things, being a bully.

What hit me hard is how much I wanted to believe that maybe things could change. I could SEE that glimmer of a good person deep down! Moments of compassion or simply deep understanding. We would go weeks without incident, and I would start to think, "I think there's real progress being made! Maybe I really was wrong about them, maybe there's a reason they acted that way before."

I think that was what kept me there the longest: I kept forgiving them (plural, because it wasn't just this one coworker) for doing hurtful things again and again and again. And I also internalized the treatment as something I was not faultless in -- if only I was better, if only I was not so weird, if only I fit in or understood.

And I see this happening again and again throughout my life. I have a hard time judging intentions, sort of. It's more like, my judgement is STRONGLY influenced by my insecurities and my feeling that most people are generally good and have reasons for what they do.

But I don't know any other way to be? I'm not always wrong. I have someone like Crowley in my life, who is far more suspicious of others -- but I don't feel like they're always right either? It's just HARD, because I would rather believe someone and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I also need to make sure I don't get hurt.

There's no point I'm trying to make. Only that I can relate to why Aziraphale trusts the Metatron. And, damn, Neil did it again with a character that I can feel in the pit of my soul.

[distortedmoondisc]

Hey! I know you're a big Alkaloid fan (amazing taste btw), so I was wondering if you had any thoughts on their upcoming solos and what you'd like to see for each? Personally, I'd love something with Phantom of the Opera inspiration for Mayoi considering his backstory, but I'm not quite sure on the other three and wanted to know if you had anything in mind for them? Thanks!!!

Sorry for the late reply, but I'm so glad you sent me an ask!!! 🥹🙌

Despite how excited I am for the prospect of Alkaloid getting solos, I try my best to not have any expectations for them so I can be surprised when they release... however! I admit I do have a few expectations for them shdjf so...

An unnecessarily long post talking about what I'd like to see for the upcoming Alkaloid's solos!

I'm not sure if it's canon, but I read somewhere that the solos are based on the characters' first Feature Scout cards. Therefore, the solo songs for Alkaloid should fit their first FS cards, and I have some expectations for them to fill if that's the case 👁️

Let's start with Aira!

For Aira, I would like that his solo song has some European or specifically French elements, mostly in the instrumental (I still wonder if I'd like Aira to say some french words in the song, since an essential part of Aira's character is that he doesn't fit the foreigner image people have of him —despite his looks, he's just an average Japanese boy, he doesn't know any French—; but I also think that, if in his FS1 he embraced this side of his identity, he would also be open to use some French in the lyrics despite not knowing the language, also as a sign that he's accepting his French blood as part of his identity).

Of course, I hope that his solo song is upbeat and cheerful, and that the lyrics talk about his self doubt and insecurities, but with a hopeful outlook about it—talking about how he's still going to try to work hard to overcome his challenges, to be able to stand on stage with pride and become the idol he's always dreamed to become. Now that I think about it, it seems I'd like something like Living on the Edge— except perhaps less self deprecating and angsty, but with the same determination and 'i won't give up' vibes expressed by the lyrics (such as the lines "Though my heart seems like it might break, I wonder why / I don't feel like calling it quits here at all" and "even if I compare and envy others, I can't be anyone but myself") (curiously enough, these two lines are sung by Aira in Living on the Edge 🥹 the first one featuring Tatsumi)

Speaking of Living on the Edge, an alternative theme for Aira's solo would be the feelings of envy and jealousy he feels for those that achieve what he still hasn't. This would also make the song more serious and slightly darker. But then again, that topic was already addressed in Living on the Edge, so it probably won't be the topic of his solo song, but I just wanted to mention it since these ugly feelings of envy are an important part of Aira as a character and a thing that affects many of his decisions and feelings in his stories, even though he's getting better at it and overcoming it!

Also, as a plus, I'd like that somewhere in his solo song they make a reference to the ugly duckling story... The metaphor just fits his character arc so perfectly. A duckling that has been perceived as ugly for most of his life, living a lonely existence thinking that they aren't enough and that they're disliked by everyone, for later to find a family of his own and with them realizing his own beauty and qualities.

Now, let's go with Hiiro!

I would like his solo song to address at least one of 2 elements important to Hiiro's character arc that he's still on a journey to solve:

1. I wish his solo song could address his thoughts and feelings about what he wants to do with his life now that he's free from the imposed role of servitude he had under Rinne in their hometown. Hiiro finding the thing he wants to do by himself is one of the most important parts of his journey as a character—and ever since the ending of the !! Main Story, we already know he has chosen to keep going on this path to become an idol (sincerely this time, instead of it being just a means to an end to bring his brother back home), so I'd like to see Hiiro talking about how he feels about his new independence, as well as his feelings for being an idol.

2. I'd like his solo song to expand more on his feelings about the relativity of morality and justice, and how this clashes with the values he learned at his hometown about universal, unbending rules about what is right and wrong. Hiiro, at the beginning of the story, had a very strict and rigid set of morality that wasn't really his, but imposed culturally and socially by his hometown, but throughout the MS he learns that what is right and true in his hometown isn't necessarily right and true in the city, and how there're more perspectives and ways of thinking and doing things outside of the world he knew. What the narrative concluded for Hiiro is that what needs to do now is to figure out what is right and what is wrong by himself, to question everything he learns and to learn as much as he can to expand his horizons; Hiiro already has a core set of values regarding justice and morality that he truly believes in, regardless of whether or not they were taught by him by his hometown or by his stay on the city, and he's basing the rest of his decisions and thoughts from those.

(This is the theme I'd love to see explored in his solo song the most, and it's also the least likely one to be addressed in his solo lmao due to how complex it is.... but we never know! I had this idea in the first place after reading the lyrics of Vermilion —and I already made a separate post screaming about a specific part of the song in the past, but I'm bringing it back just because I can never shut up—because there's a part that says "In an autonomous life, there is meaning you'll never grasp / With the suit of your soul, persist in your belief" and I think this line puts perfectly Hiiro's dilemma: he now has an autonomous life, and with this autonomy and freedom comes the lack of a purpose in life (set by someone else, in this case), so he feels lost about what to do and about what is the meaning of his life anymore, but that the best he can do to navigate this world is to trust in himself and persists in his personal beliefs, which means deciding things on his own and coming to his own conclusions. Vermilion is a song that talks about Hiiro's sense of identity regarding his value as an autonomous person only in certain parts, so I wish Hiiro's solo expanded on those ideas planted in Vermilion that were limited to just a few lines.)

While Rinne is a very important person to Hiiro and their bond is a vital part of his character arc and story, I hope his solo song isn't directed to him or solely about him. I hope Hiiro's solo is dedicated to his own thoughts, feelings and struggles, instead of being dedicated to someone else—this would go against the whole point of Hiiro's character, who is now independent from Rinne and his own person. I know some solos are dedicated from one character to another, but it's important for Hiiro that his song is about himself, so I hope Happyele doesn't mess that up.

I would love some red swallow imagery somewhere!! That's hiiro's tagline, so I hope they use it somewhere in his solo.

Musically speaking, I think his solo will be something very Alkaloid-like—by which I mean, rock music that is very encouraging and powerful (like pretty much all Alkaloid songs). I am thinking of Vermilion or You're Speculation as examples lol.

Next, Tatsumi!

I have a feeling if any solo should be sad/melancholic/angsty, it should be his... Tatsumi, despite how calm and kind he is, he is haunted by the incident with Kaname and filled with guilt. Tatsumi is extremely self sacrificing and tends to pin the fault at himself, and to top it all he also avoids relying on others and instead wants people to rely on him. Tatsumi is forcing a very lonely situation upon himself, so I kinda wish his solo song talked about the 'sins' he has committed and the regret he feels for them, and how he feels he is the only one that can carry this burden, alone.

Alternatively, I really wish his solo song addressed his faith, and I'm pretty sure it will in some way, but I have no idea in which way they could... I would like to see his solo expanding on his feelings for his religion and how it related to his wish to become an idol in the first place (Tatsumi wanted to become an idol to make his sect less stigmatized by society, since Japan isn't very accepting of those who aren't part of the main 2 beliefs of the country, Shinto or Buddhism). The topic of religion and faith with Tatsumi is extremely complex, more than you would think at first glance; we don't know his real and deeper feelings about his faith, and he seems to have an unconventional view of religion in the first place (he has only talked about his faith in more depth in Feather Touch as far as I know, and in there he makes this argument that is... very particular to say the least.

Tatsumi here is saying that God may or may not exist as most of us imagine him—as a sentient otherworldly being that is omnipotent and created the world, but that God might actually be the "Thing" (Power, as he calls it) that a group of people believe in, that is what drives them and gives them strength. To me, what Tatsumi is essentially saying here is that belief itself is this Power. Belief itself, no matter to what it is, as long as it motivates you and makes many believers reshape the world a certain way, can be considered "God."

This is, of course, against not only the Catholic doctrine but against many other Christian sects' beliefs, lol. But it's interesting nonetheless. I think this might be too complex for a song to tackle by itself, but I still would like to see Tatsumi talking about God and what he believes it is, and if this Power is what led him to 'reshape' the world he knew (referencing the failed revolution at Reimei).

Musically speaking, I wonder if they could use some typical church choir instrumental in his solo? Personally I'd love to see this take place. I feel that, to fit the melancholic vibe of the solo, the song would be slow and not very energetic, though I could also see the rhythm picking up at some point (probably when the lyrics become more emotional) and become more "Alkaloid-like" where it turns powerful and encouraging instead.

I can see his solo using Latin phrases (similar to how they did in Artistic Partisan!), referencing either Christianity (using 'mea culpa' or lines of some christian prayers in latin, like the Pater Noster) or philosophy (the only example I can think of the top of my head is 'memento mori'...)

And for last, Mayoi!

I think his solo will be about his own feelings of unworthiness and self depreciation, in how he feels he's evil and bad and that he can only belong in the shadows, where nobody can perceive him and he can't offend anyone with his presence. But I hope it makes emphasis in Mayoi's desire to live in the light; in how he wishes to be seen, acknowledged and loved by others, and that he's tired of admiring the lives of others from the shadows and yearning for what they have, so he himself came out from the dark to take a part of the outside world. He might be selfish and egotistical for having these wishes, but it just can't be helped.

I really love this side of Mayoi, personally, in how despite seeing himself as unworthy, he recognizes his own desire for happiness and love and has the will in him to act upon this urge. Selfishness is usually not a desirable thing, but in Mayoi's case, I believe it should be forgiven and even encouraged.

I really agree with you and your idea of his solo being like Phantom of the Opera! I imagine his solo being like a rock opera, very powerful that makes full use of Mayoi's unique vocals and range.

I think these are all my thoughts.... I apologize if it was way longer and more complicated than you asked for lmao.

But still, I wish to remain without expectations for their solos so I can appreciate them for what they are and analyze them correctly the day they release!

I also don't claim to be making predictions with any of these! These are just my delusions, ramblings and wishes as an AlkaP that loves these 4 boys way too much shdjfkg

[misskattylashes]

One Man Band Track by Track Review

Right, so I have listened to the album twice. Miles wasn’t lying when he said it was banger after banger. But while the music is upbeat the lyrics are in places dark. Touching on self-doubt, insecurity and loneliness. For me OMB is the yin to CDG's yang. Both confessional (depending on your beliefs – both largely about the same person) but while CDG is an album of heartbreak, OMB is an album of hope. It seems Miles has found himself, and judging by the last track, he has someone who loves and understands him. And well, it all kinds of explains why he is so happy these days.

Troubled Son

This song could essentially be called I am approaching middle age and I am coming to terms with the person I am. Good and bad. Musically this track always reminds me of The Strokes.

Lyrically, despite beating himself up a bit, it is a song of hope. Once you face your own demons you can start to battle them.

This is the song that will get people singing at gigs. The lyrics are relatable to so many of us and it would be quite cathartic sharing the fact you’re a bit fucked up with several thousand people doing the same thing.

The Best is Yet To Come

Miles has admitted this is a song about being on the lash with his mates Big Lou and Romeo. Musically the driving rhythm and backing vocals are reminiscent at times of Queens of the Stone Age. Hard to explain, but this track is the most traditional Miles Kane and could have quite easily come from an earlier album.

One Man Band

Can I just start by saying there are not enough words to describe how much I love this song! Another song of self-reflection. I promise not to make too many comparisons to You Know Who, but as I have said before, the characterisation reminds me a lot of the character in Mr Schwartz. The performer who puts on the front to entertain people and make them happy, whilst hiding a lonely interior. But whilst Mr Schwartz is heart felt ballad. Miles being Miles. One Man Band sounds like sunshine.

Never Taking Me Alive

The most bonkers track on the album. Musically driven by surf guitar, lyrically an excuse for Miles to sing about his Italian American Heroes – De Niro, Pacino and Sinatra. This is a hype song. The sort of song you stick on on your way to a job interview, to pump you up.

Heartbreaks (The New Sensation)

Probably the weakest track, but still a banger. It evokes the image of a former girlfriend back in Miles’ mod day (retro boy trying to chase away time). With its Motown beat, this could have fitted easily into Change The Show. I mean it is a feel good banger, so to say it is the weakest shows how brilliant all the other tracks are.

The Wonder

Okay, anyone who follows me knows who I think The Wonder is about. So I won’t linger on that. In a nutshell, a song about realising a former lover and all the complications they bring is worth it, and this time you are going to put your fears aside and take a chance. The highlight for me are the rich backing vocals at the end, elevating it to almost gospel level.

Baggio

The happiest song in the world. I have analysed this before. In a nutshell, little Miles Kane is enthralled by Roberto Baggio and his flamboyance and realised its fine to be yourself. It is also a tale of hoping to reconnect with a lost love (cough cough)

Ransom

A mellow track about being afraid of falling in love because he is positive he is going to get heartbroken. However the object of his affections has hold of his cynical heart and he can’t afford the ransom, meaning he can’t escape them. A plea for them to be tender with him because he is trying to find a way. The final refrain being ‘cos I’d anything for you’. Whoever they are he loves them big time!

Doubles

I'm sorry but this is a Milex song. A happy upbeat song with Miles telling ‘the person’ that he is scared but he is missing his ‘Two player high’ but he will wait for this person. The middle eight lyrics ‘Never say never, never say never again, never say never I wanna know where it ends, I’m never in doubt when my heart starts to fall, there’s nothing in my life that I have wanted more, anymore’ ahhhh. This is also a sort of dancing in your bedroom alone song. Or maybe that’s just me.

Heal

This is the epic track of the album. With a heavy, rich musical arrangement, it is like the sequel to the Coup de Grace album. Where Miles was heartbroken, disillusioned with life in LA and at his lowest ebb. He acknowledges he needed time to heal to get to the place where he is now. Once again, gospel style backing vocals elevate the track to the next level. It is another song of hope. Facing up to the fact that we all have to endure the shit times in life to become the people we are.

Scared of love

A sweet acoustic ballad, where Miles opens his heart to his lover. Telling them he is sorry for holding back, but they sweetly tell him they understand because they know he is scared of love. Another song of hope. It would seem he has found love and whoever they are, they are there for him to help him fight his demons.

In no way does the last track inspire a fan fic in me.

Total score 5/5

[urfavitgurl]

Holi. My sp is a guy from my university and I already knew him a year ago, I thought he was cute but nothing else. I only talked to him once, but for a course question and he was very polite. However, this year from one moment to the next I started to like him and I didn't understand why. He and I, we never spoke again since that one time, we have no friends in common, much less in networks and I know absolutely nothing about him, but his name. * I saw him with a girl, with a physical aspect very different from mine. She was kind of blonde and stuff) Back to the present * however, I started to claim that he is head over heels in love only with me. I didn't believe it at all, but I claimed only when I could and my negative thoughts were a bit stronger. The first week I started to pay more attention to him (before I didn't care what he did) but I was more attentive to him. I just got nervous when I passed him. Then I started to get confused if he was looking at my friend or me, so the doubts stayed in my mind and my friend started talking about him as if she was interested in him too, so I got sad. But I kept affirming, I only crossed paths with him a couple of times and his friends added me to talk but he never spoke to me, and he was on his cell phone, he ignored me. But then I saw him with the most popular girl in college, she is very pretty and obviously I am very insecure because I feel that I don't fit the standard of beauty or that I am not his physical type of him. Even more so when She is like the other girl I saw him with. I felt really bad, both because I saw no movement for me and I didn't understand how if I claimed that he was in love with me, he was with another girl flirting. What's more, he never talked to me or anything and I thought how would it happen. So I gave up and stopped affirming a couple of days ago, I feel really sad and I can't affirm because I'm kind of busy with my exams. But I really like that guy a lot, I feel like I left him in oblivion and I'm losing him, even when I try to affirm that he only has eyes for me. I remember his image with her. And even worse my friend told me that he was looking at her. What should I do? I don't even believe in my affirmations and I don't do them, maybe affirm two minutes a day or so. I want him to come closer to me and start something nice together. But I get depressed. Thank you so much and sorry for so much

hellooo, you don't need to apologize, it's okay to make long texts :)

my english is not so good, i'm using translator, so i hope you can understand ♡

first of all, circumstances don't matter, don't care if he has preferences/standards, you shouldn't feel bad about not fitting into eurocentric beauty standards. i'm sure you're beautiful, you just need to be more confident

once read that Neville once said that it is the states that manifest and that even if the 3d forces you to see the old story, at the end of the day you must return to the state of your new story.

i think that, first of all, you should improve your mindset and assume more self-confidence and self-love. i don't think it's a good idea to be in a relationship being very insecure, so take care of yourself first, take on more self-confidence and a better mindset and you will see that things will improve. 3d just reflects what is in your inner world/4d.

he's not impossible to achieve... it's already worked! nothing and no one can stop you from manifesting, nothing can get in your way. once you change your mindset, 3d changes too.

maybe i couldn't help you, but a good tumblr blog (in english) is theshiftingwitch

[ariel26c]

Holi. My sp is a guy from my university and I already knew him a year ago, I thought he was cute but nothing else. I only talked to him once, but for a course question and he was very polite. However, this year from one moment to the next I started to like him and I didn't understand why. He and I, we never spoke again since that one time, we have no friends in common, much less in networks and I know absolutely nothing about him, but his name. * I saw him with a girl, with a physical aspect very different from mine. She was kind of blonde and stuff) Back to the present * however, I started to claim that he is head over heels in love only with me. I didn't believe it at all, but I claimed only when I could and my negative thoughts were a bit stronger. The first week I started to pay more attention to him (before I didn't care what he did) but I was more attentive to him. I just got nervous when I passed him. Then I started to get confused if he was looking at my friend or me, so the doubts stayed in my mind and my friend started talking about him as if she was interested in him too, so I got sad. But I kept affirming, I only crossed paths with him a couple of times and his friends added me to talk but he never spoke to me, and he was on his cell phone, he ignored me. But then I saw him with the most popular girl in college, she is very pretty and obviously I am very insecure because I feel that I don't fit the standard of beauty or that I am not his physical type of him. Even more so when She is like the other girl I saw him with. I felt really bad, both because I saw no movement for me and I didn't understand how if I claimed that he was in love with me, he was with another girl flirting. What's more, he never talked to me or anything and I thought how would it happen. So I gave up and stopped affirming a couple of days ago, I feel really sad and I can't affirm because I'm kind of busy with my exams. But I really like that guy a lot, I feel like I left him in oblivion and I'm losing him, even when I try to affirm that he only has eyes for me. I remember his image with her. And even worse my friend told me that he was looking at her. What should I do? I don't even believe in my affirmations and I don't do them, maybe affirm two minutes a day or so. I want him to come closer to me and start something nice together. But I get depressed. Thank you so much and sorry for so much

I highly recommend doing self concept work my love. I can tell just based off of what you wrote that deep down you don’t feel good enough. If you don’t feel good enough then your SP will also think you’re not good enough. That 3P is just a reflection of the qualities that you wish you had and what you think he’s attracted to.

If you don’t feel good enough then your SP will look somewhere else for someone that he feels is good enough.

There’s nothing wrong with affirming that your SP loves you but what’s the point if you feel like your not attractive enough or that you’re not his type? Change the way you see yourself and start seeing yourself as someone good enough and worthy of love.

You also mentioned not seeing any movement, does it have to happen right in front of your eyes or can the movement just be happening behind the scenes and you feel like it’s not working?? Movement doesn’t always happen right in front of you, it can happen behind the scenes. Stop checking if you know you’re going to continue to get your feelings hurt. Stop ranting to your friend and letting your friend talk to you about him if it’s only going to discourage you.

Also you don’t need to believe your affirmations.